#serotonin this serotonin that yeah yeah yeah where's my fuckin dopamine

[lesenbyan]

terrible day and don't even have the money to buy myself a Little Treat I need to make myself another Little Treat :ccccccc

[itsjustrad]

Today is World Mental Health Day

And... my serotonin and dopamine machines have both fuckin checked OUT! I’m very low energy, very irritable, very sad, angry, and depressed. This is shit I struggle with on a regular basis but keep quiet about in my daily life until it gets bad enough or until something triggers me to want to talk about it on here. This is the only place I can kind of vent without fear of anyone finding it or talking to me about it. That’s not to say I don’t have friends on here or that they don’t read it but just that it’s nice to have a place where I can vent these feelings into the ether and people can respond if they want and I can answer if I want. Right now I feel like I’ve been tending to and taking in a lot of outside energy. A few of my friends and people close to me are struggling with various things and I’ve been an ear and a voice to help them work through these hardships. I don’t think I realize how much mental energy and just energy in general this stuff takes from me. I’m incredibly happy and blessed to be of service to these people. They appreciate it and show their love in many ways but I forget to put up a guard for myself. I forget to seperate my emotions from theirs and it gets tough, or maybe it’s that because these people are close to my heart my empathic senses just kicks in in weird ways. Idk but I feel drained as fuck today. I also feel very emotionally raw like any amount of interaction on any end of the spectrum is gonna be enough to make me cry and idk why. Like I wanna cry because I don’t have much left in me but I also wanna cry because I love my friends and my life so much lmao. I’m feeling like every emotion my body can for no reason and it’s simultaneously making me feel nothing at all. I’m tired man. I need to like eat and take care of myself but really don’t fucking want to. Idk what’s going on with me. Mental Health Day, ya’ll take care of yourself and feel the feelings. Talk, ask for help, breathe, hydrate, take a day, make yourself and your sweet little brain a priorty, you’re important, you’re loved, you’re supported, you’re valid, all of you inside and out, good and perceived to be bad is valid, if you haven’t heard it today... I LOVE YOU!

Sorry this post is long and sorry it’s sad but I’m sad today because I’m overwhelmed by my own emotion. But yeah, I love you, please take care of yourself.

[harmonyresonant]

Daily reeds.

So this morning. I wondered how best to get anti-depressants. I took a liporush and a DMHA capsule it’s all SWEEEEET. Worlds all vibrant n shit, positively good day outside. What a cracka. Or whatever. But I was thinking on the way back from the local Deli holding milk, cause I unfortunately picked one without a secure lid, lol fuck. I know why now! I googled, “How to meet INTJ girls.” and basically, my suspicions where confirmed. I also googled the relationship between Serotonin levels and Testosterone. Cause there’s a Riboflavin or some bullshit ingrediant in the liporush that seems to fill the void between the dopamine and norepinphrine rush. Weird! But I got some answers. Apparently I’m fucked without Serotonin boosts, cause naturally, I’m inclined to display dominance and aggression behaviours - plus - naturally also have a lower Serotonin level than usually anticipated - which - generally leads me to be more impulsive than usual. So I am a highly sensitive, prone to impulse, aggressive male that wants to fuck everything that walks, that is also intelligent to keep himself in check in a game of cat n mouse between impulsivity, attention, motivation and joy - whilst being hunted the shark of depression. You know truly. It is entirely in line with my personality type - my sensitivity - my sub-type sensitivity - my general behaviour - my struggles - my general lack of company - and my general mismanagement of life - and my inclination to fuck my day up with poor decisions. - well to fuck the next day up - with poor decisions. So - I guess the best thing to do. Is to improve my serotonin levels. Which will stop my impulsivity - limit my social sensitivity to negative stimuli - probably stop my obsessive thinking - and in general - quieten my brain down to a soft humming pristine muted waterfall. Beautiful. You know I should pat myself on the back for somehow making my way through the shitstorm that is literally every aspect of my life and cognition. We made it, me and myself. Now all I need is artificial serotonin - and mate - we’re laughing. LITERALLY. So fucking dumb. You know, I’m kinda sitting here. And thinking of ways to get a doctors appointment - get a prescription - but truth is i wont have any money - likely until next Monday haha fuck. And then beyond that bullshit hurdle - which - really just requires me to ask for 40 instead of 20 $ from Ian - which is derogitory enough - shameful enough - I have to then front to a Doctor and tell him I’m sad and please help. For which he’ll say - yeah talk about your issues/ - to which I’ll respond. - Yeah mate. Love it. You’re the boss.

He’s not the boss though. I’m so fucking done.

Cause after that, I then have to go and live a positive life where good things happen on my way to something better - while the girls that I wanna date go and rightfully have their high standards and do their thing. It’s a fuckin lost game it is. And shit. Idk what to do about that. Do I just be real super good friends with them. Woud i appreciate that? Pfft. Yeah, real super good friends. Not a partner though. Do I want a partner? Ah - yeah. That’d be pretty swell. Farily terrific. So - idk how long I’m gonna ride this little euphoric FTS vibe I have going on. Maybe it’ll last forever. But I’m about 2 or three decisions away from whipping up the argon bag and chocking myself out into oblivion because I honestly - dont think I can win anymore. Like really - deeply - to my core. Am not convinced I can make anything

satisfactory

come from my life. Maybe someone else can convince me. Who knows. I don’t anyone can convince me to be honest. Only person that could convince me is another INTJ. Which islike finding a fucking needle in a haystack. You know, in every computer game that gets tedious far beyond fun. I generally just quit out of it and do something else. And like - that’s basically where it’s at at the moment.