#she hates him she would probably have told ian not to propose

[echosluvr]

the people who say fiona and mickeys would've been friends piss me off!!!! she did NOT like him or the milkovichs in general!!! she hated mickey and continued to hate him til like s7!!!!! "she was so proud of him when he told the register he was Ians boyfriend at the ward" SHE DISSES HIM THE NEXT TIME HE DOESNT SHOW UP??????? anyways mickey debbie friendship sweep, she told him not to give up on Ian !!! made sure he and ian got married!!!! and actually didn't diss on him OR mandy since the beginning

[collecting-stories]

One - pt. 02 - Rafe Cameron

Summary: Your ex-boyfriend’s wedding day has come and you bring Rafe as your date. 

A/N: Jumping ahead four months with a flash back included cause I can lol. 

One Thing Right Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

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The song that was playing in the background of the dinner was slowly in-graining itself in Rafe’s mind. He was positive that he would wake up tomorrow morning with that song ruminating in the back of his brain despite the fact that he hadn’t even given it his full attention. People on either side of him, sans the empty chair that his suit jacket was draped over, were chattering in a lull hum of conversation, all acquaintances of the bride, like you were. 

You were not sitting, instead you were by the ridiculously small table set up at the top of the ballroom, at the edge of the dance floor, with enough flowers draped around it to start an arboretum. You were squatting just enough to chat while staying relatively close to standing and Rafe was watching you as you and the bride talked over something meaningless. She’d called you over and apparently you had to go, as he understood it.  

You weren’t the only thing keeping his attention though. He knew the groom. He hadn’t mentioned it on your first date, or your second, or now, four months later when he spent a ridiculous amount of time at your apartment. He hadn’t mentioned it in case you didn’t remember but he remembered you. He remembered that night at the party and back at his apartment and breakfast the next morning. Rafe could remember every detail of it but, most importantly, he had asked a friend of a friend about you afterward, after you didn’t call him. Out of curiosity he asked and found out you were back with your boyfriend and there he was now, marrying some other woman. He knew this guy, staring at you as you talked to his now bride.

When you stood up fully, shifting the end of your dress where you’d stepped back into it, Rafe sat up a little more. He watched you walk back to the table, smiling at him when you caught him watching you. Being with you now, even after the first date at Menton’s, he had to admit that he was glad you never called him back in college. He was an idiot back than, reminiscent of your ex he imagined, and he would’ve never been what you needed him to.  

“She wanted to know who you were,” you supplied, sliding into the seat that his suit jacket was saving, moving as close to him as two chairs would allow. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that you would always want to sit that close. You leaned in so no one else at the table could hear you, “I told her I paid for you, does $100 sound like too low of a going rate?”  

The slow smile that overtook his face at your joke was infectious and you smiled back. “100 for an hour?”

“Oh no for the whole night.” You teased, “do you charge extra for after dinner?”  

“I’ll cut you a deal,” he joked, kissing you when you tilted your head back slightly.  

He wasn’t sure if it was because he just wasn’t as immature as he used to be or if it was you but he felt himself paying attention more. Learning all the little movements and expressions you had. He remembered you from college because he’d desperately wanted another chance with you. It was cliché to admit, and he doubted he ever would, but there had been something about you, about that night, that he’d wanted to freeze and live inside of. It panned out that you went back to your boyfriend and Rafe had, up until four months ago, always imagined that it lasted. That the two of you got married young, that you probably had adorable kids running around that were half you and half someone else. That you had everything you wanted in life. He had never let himself consider another possibility and then you were messaging him and you didn’t seem like you remembered and there was no way he was going to screw up a second chance by reminding you.  

-

“How can you not like Boston?” You asked, handing over his cup of coffee as you sat down beside him on the couch. He had texted you earlier in the evening to cancel what would’ve been your fifth date, telling you he was swamped with work and he had to stay in.  

Usually you would have just said that was fine and found anything else to do for the evening but it had been a week since your fourth date and as ridiculous as it sounded you really just wanted to spend time with him, in whatever capacity he had to offer. So you texted him back and asked how ‘mobile’ his office was and offered to make him dinner if he came over.  

Whatever you were feeling seemed to resonate with Rafe too because if it had been anyone else he would’ve written them off as being clingy. But he hadn’t wanted to cancel in the first place and your offer to still have him over was like a gateway. He was already packing up his laptop and files as he texted you back.  

You made spaghetti and salad and a ricotta dip that you’d found on Tasty once and mentioned that you could eat entirely on your own. Dinner was casual, just the two of you hanging out on the couch and eating, talking occasionally when he surfaced from work. He’d dressed nice for the last four dates, all dinners at higher-end restaurants that you couldn’t have afforded on a teaching salary.  

“Can’t believe the first guy you actually go out with on Tinder is fucking rich and you already know he’s great in bed.” Nina had bitched when you had told her about the first four dates. It was her constant complaint, reiterated in different ways each time you talked about Rafe.  

Tonight he looked more like the guy you hooked up with at Duke. He was just in jeans and an old college shirt, and you resisted the urge to tell him that you went there too, and his hair wasn’t styled back like he usually wore it. He just looked comfortable, even more so sitting on your couch working, Fivel having hoped up to lay beside him. Aside from Nina’s husband, who Fivel changed his mind about on a daily basis, your dog had little interaction with men but he seemed perfectly content with Rafe.  

Dinner ended and you prolonged the evening with coffee, bringing you a cup while he lamented about living in Boston. “I know it can be expensive-“

“It’s not that,” Rafe shrugged, taking the mug from your hands and leaning back against the cushions of the pink velvet couch. Was it a bit much, especially with a dog? Sure, but who didn’t want an instagramable apartment. Ian had hated the pink velvet and he told you so when you bought it and everyday until he dumped you. “I hate the weather, beach isn’t the same as down south.”

“I‘ll give you that we’re running out of beach days but, the snow is awesome!” You argued, “plus I get snow days off.”  

“Not all of us are teachers.” Rafe replied, turning his head to the side to look at you. It was probably stupid to still be in awe of you every time you were around and he had to wonder if that was ever going to change but he doubted it. “I still have to work when I’m snowed in.” He watched the way you smiled, leaning into him, careful of his coffee, to kiss him.  

“Yeah but you can get snowed in with me.” You proposed, knowing that the snow was a long way away and exactly what that suggested and maybe he didn’t think that far ahead.  

“I take it back, I think Boston is growing on me.”  

-

The open bar at the wedding was a godsend. Especially when you were busy talking to other people who worked at your school. Rafe had agreed to the weekend upstate with you because it was exactly that, a weekend upstate. You’d taken Friday and Monday off from work and extended the stay which meant extra time for the two of you, existing in this cute, small town bubble where you had no obligations except each other. Bring the dog and Rafe was sure he could live up here with you forever, a scary thought at four months.  

“Hey, do we know each other?” Ian asked, stepping up to the bar next to Rafe, undoing his bow tie and letting it hang around his neck.  

Rafe spared him a side glance as he took a long sip of his whiskey, trying to decide if he really felt like talking to this guy. You still hadn’t mentioned hooking up but you had told Rafe that the groom was your ex, someone he didn’t need any help remembering. He couldn’t blame you really, the circumstances didn’t lend to him being more than an irresponsible fuck boy back then but god was this guy a loser.  

“I don’t think so.” Rafe replied, looking back out over the reception. You were standing near the edge of the dance floor, chatting with the principal and her husband. You waved at him when you caught him looking and he nodded his head to you. He heard Ian say your name and toward him again, “what?”

“You came with-“

“Yeah.”  

“Crazy world man, I used to date her in college.”

“Yeah that’s real crazy.” He replied, pushing his empty glass back across the bar counter and asking for another. He’d need the whole bottle to get through a conversation with Ian.  

“Swear I know you from somewhere else though.” Ian said, squinting as if that would help, “did you go to Duke?”  

Yeah.”

“No fucking way, that’s crazy man!”

“It’s all crazy.” Rafe said, rolling his eyes. God he hoped this guy was drunk.  

“Did we have class together or something?”  

You caught Rafe’s eye again, waving your hand from him to come over. You’d moved on from talking and there weren’t too many other people around that you knew. Standing around awkwardly was exactly what you didn’t want. Rafe downed the rest of his second glass, leaving it on the counter as he turned to Ian, “no but I did fuck your girlfriend.” He said before walking off.  

Ian’s eyes went wide, trying to work out exactly what Rafe was saying as he watched him walk over to you. Like some kind of alcohol induced time warp Ian felt himself spiral back to the morning the two of you had gotten back together. That was it, he was the guy in the car that dropped you off. He remembered watching you kiss him in the parking lot, the same way you kissed him now.  

“Fuck.” Ian mumbled, tapping the bar, “can I get a whiskey?”  

The bartender poured him a whiskey, same as Rafe’s, and he kicked it back, coughing unexpectedly when the warm liquid hit his throat.

You wrapped your arms around Rafe’s neck as he came up to you, kissing him, “how long do you think the bridesmaids have to stay at the wedding?” You asked, leaning your whole body against him.  

“As much as I’d love to leave I think it’s pretty standard to stick around until after the cake has been cut.” He replied, hands slipping beneath the suit jacket you’d stolen from him and taken to wearing. Your dress was cut low in the back and he brushed his fingers across your bare skin. Watching the way your eyes fluttered closed for a moment at the feeling had him kissing you again. “When is the cake again?”

“Soon,” you promised, “then you and me can split…think they’d notice me lifting a bottle of champagne.”

“Not if you time it right.”  

“Okay, I’m getting a drink and then I’m making you dance cause I didn’t take my shoes off for nothing,” you announced, pulling away from him. You made your way over to the bar, eager for something that wasn’t just the wine you’d gotten with dinner. Your grad partner claimed they had signature drinks and she was apparently telling the truth as you saw the paper on display advertising an Ian and an Anya. “What’s in the Anya?” You chanced asking when you realised the writing beneath the drink name was just some bullshit about how sweet she was.  

“It’s just a pink margarita.” The bartender replied, “it’s…really sweet.”  

“Can I just get an old fashioned?”  

“Hey.”

You turned to the side, pulling Rafe’s jacket closer and looking at Ian. He had apparently not left the bar area, letting Anya get in some dancing with her friends while he hung back and drank. You had seen him enough through the wedding prep, it was unavoidable, but you hadn’t really talked to him at all.  

“Hey Ian, weddings really beautiful.” You mentioned, taking your drink and dropping a tip in the jar for the bartender.  

“Met your new boyfriend.”

“Rafe?” You asked, searching for him. He’d either snuck out of the reception room or Anya had nabbed him for the fifth time that day to talk to him. She apparently thought he was great, something she’d mentioned multiple times since she had met him last month when he dropped by the school on a half day to meet you for lunch.  

“Yeah, he went to school with us, didn’t he?”  

“I guess Ian,” you shrugged.  

“He said he did.”  

“Wait…he said that…the three of us went to school together?” You asked, all your attention on your ex. Rafe knew? If he knew you went to Duke then he had to know.

“Yeah. Said something else to.” Ian replied.  

“What?”  

“He said you and him slept together. I knew you hooked up with someone when we broke up.” Ian said, leaning closer so no one heard him.  

“I have to go.” You insisted, stopping to look back at him for a moment, “and yeah, I totally did.”

You left the reception, ignoring the DJ calling for the cake cutting to happen, leaving your heels on the seat of your table, your mind on one thing only. He knew. Rafe had seen Ian approach you at the bar and had hightailed it out of the reception, knowing that he would spill to you and knowing, even more than that, you’d think he was a creep for never saying anything.

He headed back up to the room, impeded only when he realised that the key was in his jacket which was on you. He leaned against the wall opposite door, pressing his hands to his face, trying to think of a solution. There was always asking the desk to open the door but his whole wallet was in his jacket, there was no way of proving who he was and unless this place had the worst precautions ever they weren’t gonna let a guy in a hotel room cause he said it was his.  

“Rafe!” Your voice carried down the hall and he stood up straight. There was no avoiding it now. You’d tell him how fucking weird he was for not telling you that he had slept with you in college. He sounded so fucking awful.  

“Look-“

“You knew!” You exclaimed, the one thought you’d had the entire way back to the room coming out. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Wait, wait, what’re we talking about?” Rafe asked, mildly confused. Had Ian told you? Did you know? You didn’t seem mad.  

“That…you know…we had sex,” you said, lowering your voice despite being in an empty hallway. “Right before spring break.”  

His expression changed from one of absolute paranoia to a smug grin, realizing that your shock wasn’t in him knowing and not telling you but in him knowing too. “You knew.”  

“Yeah,” you admitted, “but for real, it was Nina that found you on Tinder.”  

“Can’t believe you lied to me.” He replied, laughing when you smacked his arm.  

“I didn’t lie…and…you knew too!” You said, “wait, what did you say to Ian.”  

Rafe shrugged, “he was pissing me off, so I told him we’d fucked before.”  

You couldn’t help smiling, leaning into him and tilting your head back slightly for a kiss which he gave you willingly. “Why are we outside?”  

“You have both keys.” He replied, slipping his hand into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulling out his wallet. “Guess we missed cake.”  

“That’s okay, I didn’t care about the cake anyway,” you admitted, keeping your arms around his waist as he swiped the card, twisting the knob on the door and opening it.  

Aside from getting coffee in the mornings and just going on a general walk around the small town where the wedding was happening, you and Rafe had spent most of your time in the hotel room. He’d put work on hold for the long weekend too, meaning neither of you had responsibilities, especially now that the wedding was over.  

“We should order better cake and some kind of alcohol up to the room.” You suggested, tossing his jacket over the chair and heading into the bathroom to take off your makeup.  

Rafe sat on the end of the bed, watching your reflection in the mirror on the closet door across from the bathroom. He hadn’t even bothered taking off his shoes, his entire attention focused on you as you slipped out of your dress, disappearing behind the door for a split second to hang it off a hook, pulling Rafe’s gray t-shirt off the same hook and putting it on.  

“I can’t believe you never told me,” you repeated as you stepped into the room, “like I keep thinking about it and I’m like...we would’ve grown old and died not knowing.”

“I definitely would’ve told you before we died,” Rafe promised as you walked over to him, stepping between his legs. He rested his hands on your hips pushing the shirt up just slightly. “You want cake then?”

You scrunched your nose, thinking for a moment whether you truly cared about the cake or not. In all honesty you wanted the exact same thing now that you had since this morning when your alarm went off, which was you and Rafe, in bed, undisturbed. “Raincheck on the cake?”

“Sure.”  

“Since we’re on the subject-”  

“Of cake?” He asked, cutting you off.  

“No.”

“Oh, the other thing.” He replied, drawing it out as if he was truly just realizing what you were talking about.  

You stuck your tongue out at him, “yes the ‘other thing’. Sorry I never called you.”  

“Honestly,” he admitted, “this is better.”  

You couldn’t be sure where either of you would have been if you had never gotten back together with Ian and had called Rafe back. Maybe you would be married, maybe you’d have broken up and it would be him marrying Anya. A truly terrifying thought. One you might’ve lingered on longer if you let yourself. But instead you did exactly what you’d been doing for the last few hours, focusing all your attention on Rafe and shutting out everything else.  

-

Taglist: @maplelattes22 @poguesrforlife  @freckled-and-daydreaming  @chasefreakinstokes @millie-753 @fangirlwithme @alex12948 @katherine097 @tangledinsparkles @carbonated-beverage @mariofgreengables @damonsalvawhore27 @dopedoodes @dolanfivsosxox @belledutchess @poguelifeeee @faded-blue @parkerpetertingle @thebookwormlife @summer-clouds-and-long-days @jellyfishbeansontoast @minigranger @hoewkeye @love-someone-special @tiredfeels @strangerthanfanfiction713 @the-only-nana @tomzfrog @mozz-are-lla @vindictive-hearts @ssprayberrythings @jenahbell @beautyandthebleh @gothackedalready @teenwaywardasgardian @sarahcxmeron @haha-fuck-you-thot @stillbelieve398-5 @rewindlr @queenniccimicci @kissessforharryyy @thedarkqueenofavalon @alytavzla @bqmblebee @linniep @nerdypartytrashpsychic @xxchxrryxx @spencer-reid-is-a-cutie @danielladreaming @obx-saltlife @youngestxhearts @spnobsessedmemes @wowitswondergurl @aoba-josigh @pineappleandcherries @mysterious-adventurer @justawilddreamerchild @rhyetaylor62 @calm-rejects @oh-annaa @aiifandomsunite @x-lulu @ceruleanjj @wicked-laugh @obxwriterfan @allie-mcginn @literarycharleton @khiaraaa-in-spacee @crushe-s @teamnick @daydreamlilys @collectiveuniverses @activist-af @mdgrdians @buckys-sunflower @vindictive-hearts @copper-boom @talksoprettyjjx @5am-cigarette @smiithys @dontjinx-it @outerbanksbro @mysticsthinking @heavenlymama @rudy-pankow-needs-an-oscar @babymatilda @raekenliar @lemur46 @under-a-canyon-moon @calums-betch @dpaccione @bbeauttyybbx @teenwolfobx @iccyyyybitch @popcrone818 

[roddyretrograde]

I don't know why Peyton wanted lucas so badly especially in s5 after all that drama with his character I think she would have been over his shit by the end and definitely wouldn't have agreed to a phone Proposal

To me it never made sense why after all the crap he pulled she just went back to him

I feel like she would have outgrown his drama and selfishness

At 19 years old he wanted to get married because they had a long distance relationship

Instead of working on it and being understanding he just expects her to marry him and that would have solved all the problems

His lack of maturity should have been a red flag to anyone especially Peyton by now she's better then that

I feel like the writers wrote her as if she was rewarding his behavior by agreeing to marry him in s6 instead of just saying no and decided that he wasn't the one for her and she could do better

ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Seasons four and five make Peyton into this Lucas-loving-pod-person that lets a man literally say he HATES HER and she paints a whole damn mural and runs back into his arms.

You might like my posts here and here! But honestly, the show did Peyton so damn dirty by trying to force Leyton. I honestly don't believe that Peyton would have come back from LA in season five, tbh. You know how much trauma she experienced in Tree Hill? Two dead moms, being shot in the school shooting, stalked, tied up, almost raped and murdered by Ian Banks.

And then people say Lucas is the best thing that ever happened to her? He went to prom alone and spent it with another girl that was willing to give him attention when his girlfriend was heartbroken. BROOKE, who I honestly believes love Peyton the most in the whole world, is the one that knew she'd never skip prom and went to check on her.

Lucas pulls Peyton away from the only family she ever had in the finale of season six?? She gives up her DREAM and abandons Red Bedroom for him?? He gaslights the shit out of her constantly, he ran straight to his ex-girlfriend in New York after Peyton just asked for more time before getting married, he blames her for their break-up after she said didn't say no, just lets wait???

He's a trash person, and they made Peyton pine for him when she could've had JAKE FUCKING JAGIELSKI who always treated her like a person first, and thought she deserved better always. Who she wanted to marry at seventeen years old because she wanted to be a family with him and Jenny!!

Imagine the life she would have had with Jake, Jenny and Brooke as her forever people? She would have been always supported in her job, she would probably have been urged to get some therapy and mental health help, she would have been such a good mom to Jenny and had more kids, and she would have never had any garbage boy-crazy fights with her best friend and sister.

You're so right, Leyton is so out of character for all of Peyton's growth - and it was because Mark Schwann wrote Lucas as a self-insert and he LITERALLY had a crush on a girl in high-school named Peyton Sawyer which is SKETCHY af.

And on that note, do you actually think Peyton would have liked Luke's book? He literally used her name and her trauma to make a buck, and released it to the whole damn world?? You know how triggering to her PTSD that would be? Oh and that time in season 4 where he told her stop being scared after a man literally broke into her house, put all the pictures from his stalking up in her bedroom and tried to force himself on her.

Lucas and Leyton are a disgrace. I hate Leyton.

[tintinxtintin]

wouldn’t trade it for the world

This short fic will fulfill the #3 request on @gallavichthings Gallavich Gift Giving Game. This was so fun to write, and I hope the requester likes it. 

original request: (from Sunny)  I would love a fic with Ian and Mickey (married). I would love for it to include Mpreg Mickey (if you write that) and Mickey is in labour. He and Ian are having a home birth just before Christmas. If you don’t write mpreg could you please write one about Mickey dealing with his and Ian’s adopted 12 year daughter getting her first period. Nothing is a trigger. 

Note: i wasn’t exactly sure how to incorporate the home birth into the fic, so instead i decided to combine both of the requester’s ideas into one fic! I hope you all enjoy :)

warnings: some swearing from mickey (i mean, duh) but mostly fluff

 tags: @gallavichthings , sunny (i don’t have their @ ) 

words: 2k+

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if you'd asked ian gallagher how he'd want to spend the holidays with his husband, this would probably be the last thing he could've imagined. sure, he loved mickey. he'd always loved mickey. from the very first time they fucked in his room whilst mickey's dad was just a door over. that seemed like so long ago. so much so, that to them it felt worlds away. they had come so far. i mean fuck, they were literally married now. they had a beautiful 12 year old daughter, lydia, that they'd adopted when she was just six years old. on top of that, mickey was nine months pregnant and due any time now. they were happy.

if you'd told either mickey or ian that they'd end up together and married with kids, they both would've punched you in the mouth. but, somehow, after it was all said and done, neither one of them would trade what they had for the world.

it was december 17th. a freezing cold night in the southside of chicago. the snow fell down and blanketed the city. it truly looked like something out of a christmas card. at least, that's what ian thought as he sat on their back porch, taking a long drag out of his cigarette. he rarely got a chance to smoke anymore. with mickey being pregnant, it wasn't healthy to smoke around him. plus, he would throw a hell of a tantrum if you even eyed a cigarette pack in his line of sight. even though ian loved mickey from the bottom of his heart, he really wished he would have this fucking baby already. pregnant mickey was ten times crazier than regular mickey. it wasn't long before the quiet of the house was disturbed by the drama king.

"IAN GALLAGHER GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" mickey shouted at the top of his lungs. he was in immense pain. his sides felt like they were being ripped out with kitchen tongs. his lower back had turned on him, leaving him pissed that he'd ever let the ginger headed fuck cum inside him in the first place. after all, this was all ian's fault. ian was the one who had the the dick of god himself. ian was the one who had proposed. he had also been the one to suggest having a second kid. and it was ian's sperm that got mickey pregnant. so, to mickey, it was perfectly okay to let ian know exactly how fucking badly he was hurting.

ian let out a long sigh before putting out the cigarette and throwing it into the yard. mickey would most likely give him hell about it tomorrow, but ian couldn't bring himself to care. he just wanted to do whatever mickey needed him to right now to avoid the billionth argument that was sure to happen anyway. he slowly dragged his feet through the house. he noticed lydia curled up on their busted couch. she was cuddled up in one of ian's work sweatshirts while reading a book.

lydia was a bookworm by definition. she loved all books; it didn't matter what they were about. if it had words, she would read it. her dads had no clue where she picked up the habit. they never really read, aside from the very occasional story before bedtime. lydia hadn't known how to read yet when they adopted her. but as soon as she learned, it was all she ever did. if she wasn't sleeping or showering, you would most likely find her curled up somewhere with a book. she even read while she ate at the table. ian and mickey didn't mind though. they would rather her be reading at home then out doing any of the shit they did when they were her age. it was comforting to them knowing she had no interest in going out whenever she wanted and doing whatever she pleased.

as ian walked by her, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. he noticed the young girl hadn't heard him walk in. she jumped slightly before recognizing who was beside her.

"what're you reading now, smart girl?" he asked.

not looking up from her book, she replied, "to kill a mockingbird. i'm almost finished."

ian vaguely remembered reading that back when he was in school, but he couldn't recall any details about it.

"when did you start it?"

"yesterday at lunch."

he let out a soft chuckle before picking himself up off the back of the couch and turning towards the stairs. he could hear mickey muttering to himself before he even made it all the way up. he felt a smile creep up at the thought of seeing his husband. ian walked into their bedroom and saw mickey on his knees, bent over and clutching his sides. the redhead immediately thought the worst and rushed to mickey's side, asking him what was wrong

"i'm in fucking labor; that's what's wrong! where the fuck have you been?" mickey yelled, swatting at ian's arm when he tried to help him up.

"i had to step outside for a minute. how far apart are your contractions?" while mickey had been the one who was reading all the parenting books (pregnancy had really brought out the daddy in him), ian knew some of the basics. he knew that mickey wasn't in actual labor unless his contractions were under at least four to five minutes apart and were lasting a minute at a time.

"who gives a shit? this fucking hurts! we need to go to the hospital now."

"no, mick. you're not supposed to go until they're under four minutes apart." ian knew mickey wouldn't like this logic, but he would stand his ground. he'd endured months of torment and now, he wouldn't let mickey push him. not on this.

"are you the one writhing in pain with a eight pound baby in your stomach? i didn't think so. we're going." the brunette tried his best to stand up, but he was in too much pain. he wondered how the fuck people before him had done this and survived.

ian grabbed ahold of mickey, settling him down on their bed.

"you're not driving like this, and i'm not going to take you. you're in early labor. the doctors will just tell us to wait until your contractions are closer together. i'll go start you a warm shower." mickey didn't have it in him to argue anymore. all he could think about was the pain in his abdomen. as ian walked out of the room, mickey glanced down at his stomach.

"listen here, motherfucker. i love you, but you gotta get your shit together."

once again, ian smiled hearing this, knowing his husband was talking to their unborn child.

he made his way to the bathroom, eager to get the water started for mickey. he always jumped at the chance to see mickey naked, although now that he was carrying their soon to be newborn, his excitement felt different. ian still got aroused at the sight of his husband's birthday suit, but now it was more than that. he loved seeing the way the baby had changed mickey's appearance. the older man was more muscular and filled out now, almost as much as ian. his ass was fuller, and his cock was slightly thicker. ian loved it all, and he would never get over it.

he pushed the door open and found lydia sitting on the toilet, staring down her herself. ian jumped and profusely apologized before shutting the bathroom door. just as he was about to go back into the bedroom, he heard her call out for mickey, fear evident in her voice.

"dad? can you please come help me?"

mickey softened at the sound of his daughter's voice and immediately stood up. he waddled through the hallway and into the bathroom, ian standing next to him, just in case something was wrong.

"what's the matter, kid?" mickey had his eyes closed out of respect for his daughter, so he couldn't see that she was on the verge of crying.

"i'm bleeding," she choked out. this made every hair on ian's body stand up. this would go in one of two ways. something was either really wrong, or she was getting her period. either way, he didn't like it.

"where, baby?"

"from- from my private part." to be fair, ian and mickey had not had very many discussions with lydia about her period. they both were uncomfortable with it and she'd never asked. she knew that at some point she would begin to bleed down there, but she didn't know what to do about it or what it would be like. she was scared, and hoped that mickey would be able to help.

ian's eyes went wide. he could handle blood when it came from anywhere but a vagina. he'd had very little experience with women's private parts, only having sex with a woman once in his life and it traumatized him. he vowed to never experience anything like that ever again.

obviously, this was a completely different situation. and even though he loved his daughter and would do anything for her, he was glad mickey was there to handle this. he didn't want to think of lydia as growing up and getting her period. the thought scared the shit out of him. he decided to head back downstairs to make mickey some tea while they occupied the bathroom.

mickey, was the complete opposite. he'd had way more experience with women's genitalia than ian (although he hated to admit it), and though he wasn't thrilled about the idea of their daughter getting her period, he would help her through it because he knew it was a part of life and that's what parents do.

mickey still stood in the bathroom doorway with his eyes closed. he wasn't sure if he should open them. i mean, he needed to assess the situation, but he didn't love the idea of seeing his daughter so vulnerable. he decided to just ask her.

"lydia? i'm gonna help you, but i'm gonna need to open my eyes. are you okay with that? you can say no."

"it's okay, dad. you can open them."

and so he did.

the first thing he noticed was the blood. it was hard not to. if he didn't understand how some girls can have very heavy flows, he probably would've thought something was wrong with her. she was wearing white underwear, and the blood almost completely covered the middle part of them.

mickey padded over to the toilet and crouched down, only looking at lydia's face. she was softly crying, so he put one had on her face and made her look at him.

"hey. it's okay. this is completely normal. daddy and i should've had more talks with you about it so you'd be ready. i'm sorry we didn't do that."

the young girl wiped her tears and gave her dad the best smile she could. she knew he could always make her feel better when she needed it.

"alright. this is what's gonna happen. you need to take your undies and pants off and give them to me. i'll wash them for you and get the blood out. they'll be as good as new. i'm gonna have daddy run to the store and get you some pads, and when he gets back i'll show you how to put it on properly. then you and i can talk about what this means and i'll tell you everything you need to know, okay?"

lydia nodded, and began to take off her lower garments. she passed them to her father, who tossed them into the washer and then told her to sit tight. he made his way down the stairs, to his surprise he wasn't in any more pain. he figured it was because of lydia. her presence was enough to make him forget the pain.

he found ian in their kitchen, on the phone. it sounded like lip on the other end. once they hung up, mickey padded over to ian and gave him a kiss. he felt bad now for snapping at him. he knew ian cared about him and their family.

"can you go to the store and get lydia some stuff? i'll text you a list." he asked his husband. ian nodded before grabbing the keys from the table, giving mickey another quick kiss, and then heading out.

mickey just sat at their table and thought about how even though there were times he questioned how the hell he'd come to have his wonderful family, he wouldn't trade them for the world. he loved ian and lydia, and he already loved their soon to be newborn. they would be happy, and that's mickey had ever really wanted.

[robronvalentineexchange]

Operation Idiots

for @like-the-first-time-i-kissed-you

There was pink and red everywhere. Robert looked in the village. David’s shop was the worst offender, and he felt blinded by it all. The pink cards, the pink flowers, pink colored crisp packages and even the beer cans in the refrigerators seemed to not have been saved from the Valentine’s take over. He shook his head and wondered vaguely if Valentine’s Day as a holiday had taken over the world while he was in prison? He frowned at the flower display and tried to push the holiday out of his mind, or rather the person it made him think about.  

He’d told Vic he’d do the shopping – needing to give her something back for letting him say with her until he figured out a flat for himself. It was hard going because he wanted to be in Emmerdale. He needed to stay close to his family. He’d missed them more deeply than he expected to while he was in prison and being home. It felt amazing to back in his sister’s life, to know his nephew — even Diane wasn’t annoying him to often. He supposed eventually that might fade, but he missed her.

Robert needed them. All of them. But most of all he needed Seb. The thought of him made all the Valentine’s Day decoration fade away. He felt a rush of happiness that made him feel like he was buzzing from the inside. Seb was spectacular. He was perfect. He was too old, twelve, and Robert lost far too much time. But they were getting along, somehow, his son didn’t hate him for leaving him — it’d been his worst nightmare over the years. But after a few hard questions, Seb had hugged him and cried and told him he was happy Robert was home.  

He wasn’t sure if his homecoming would’ve gone so easily if Seb hadn’t accepted him, but he did, so Robert pushed down the what-ifs and found it easier to ignore all the cheery pink around him.  He smiled at the thought of his son and how amazing he was —

But the real reason for that popped up in his mind, and he saw himself looking at a card that was taped to the wall as decoration. To My Husband on its cover and he frowned.

Aaron.

Only they weren’t husbands, not anymore. Robert had ended it with the clink of his ring on a white table. He watched Aaron take it, not realizing what was happening and hated himself more than he ever had before. But it was the past now, and he needed to focus on the present. He told himself it wasn’t like they’d ever celebrated Valentine’s Day themselves when they were together. He remembered mocking it more than anything, shaking their heads at the fuss and people wasting their money. Then using it as an excuse to make it an early night. As if they never found on any given day to do the same.

Memories of them in bed rose up, and he couldn’t stop the smile. The truth was he spent a lot of hours thinking about them to simply stay sane in prison. There were lists and rankings, and maybe it was mad, but it’d kept his alive. It wasn’t just sex, of course, it was laughter and conversations. It was Aaron. It’d kept him alive somehow. Even when the thought of Aaron was a wound in his heart instead. Missing him, letting him go, it was a double-edged blade — thinking about him saved him, but it’d also hurt too.

He smacked a hot pink balloon with a bit too much heft as he passed it and tried to bury down the memories. He needed to let him go — again. Always. He was out now, and he couldn’t use Aaron like this any longer. They were over, and it wasn’t going to change. He’d shoved Aaron away without looking back years ago, and it’d worked. Aaron moved on with a life without Robert in it, and now there was too much time and distance.  

And Aaron had moved on.

At least he wasn’t married.

Though he was living with someone. Tim or Jim, or was Ian? Robert shook his head and hated eventually he’d learn the man’s name. The man he had to accept had a life with Aaron. But, no all that mattered was the man was good to Seb, that he accepted his son and wasn’t going to hurt him. And he knew Aaron would never put up with that, so there was nothing to worry about — his son was safe and happy. His son was being raised by Aaron, and Aaron was allowing Robert to take part in it. Somehow despite all the time and distance between them.  

He was back to thinking about his son About the things he’d learned. How he was tall for his age, how he’d inherited the Sugden freckles, and somehow he was still more of a redhead than a blonde. Robert grinned as he thought about bright and precocious Seb was, but it grew wider at the fact his son scowled a bit. It made him look so much like Aaron that it hurt a bit. It also made relief flood him that his son had Aaron in him, that he was being raised by Aaron because Robert had always wanted it. He’d always thought his son’s best interests would be under Aaron’s watchful eye.

He always knew Aaron would be the perfect dad.

He frowned as he realized he hadn’t managed to get Aaron out of his mind at all. And on cue, the bell to the shop rang and Robert looked up and in came the two most important people in his life.  He felt a bit blinded by the two of them, there together. Both of them smiling at him like they were glad to see him. Aaron’s smile seemed bright, and their eyes met, and Robert felt that familiar pull he always felt around Aaron. He wished he could give into it, wished all of this was more than just a hello, but he felt thankful Aaron seemed to have met his promise about them being mates.  

“Hi ya,” Aaron said after a moment with a shake of his head, like he was rude forgetting.  

Robert just shrugged at him and returned the greeting.

Seb made an odd snorting sort of noise, which made Robert look at him, and a rush of extreme affection rolled through him. He suddenly he realized he did have a reason to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It was the perfect excuse to find another way to spoil Seb rotten — and he meant too, he meant to show Seb he loved him in any way he could possibly manage.  

“Hey, kiddo,” he said.

“That’s a lot of food,” Seb said, pointing to his overly full cart of food.

“Your Aunt Vic’s fridge is empty,” Robert laughed. “She’s gotten a bit caught up with work lately…”

“Yeah… Valentine’s rush, mum, calls it,” Aaron laughed. “It’s like people do test runs at the Woolpack.”

“Test runs, for what dropping a ring in the wine glass?” Robert rolled his eyes.

Aaron laughed. “Who would propose at the Woolpack? Daft.”

“What’re you gonna…” he sighed and instantly regretted the question.

“What?” Aaron prodded.

“Doing for…” Robert shrugged and looked at David’s gaudy display of red and pink flowers.

“Oh…uh,” Aaron mumbled and looked down at his feet.

Robert braced himself to hear Aaron was going away with his boyfriend or something.

“Tim and Da, they broke up.” Seb nearly shouted it, and Robert stared at his son. Seb beamed at him. “Tim and Da, they broke up.”

“Oh….” Robert bit the inside of his cheek because he couldn’t smile, he couldn’t assume this was good news. It really wasn't… Aaron had been living with this man.  

“Yeah… it wasn't… it just wasn’t going to work out.”

Robert opened his mouth to attempt to tell Aaron he was sorry to hear it when his son spoke over him.

“Maybe Dad can come over Friday,”  

“Friday?” the two of them said in unison, given it was Wednesday.  

“Valentine’s Day,” Seb announced like it wasn’t anything.

He shook his head and tried not to notice that Aaron was doing the same — it shouldn’t hurt, and he was saying no too, obviously. But he needed to avoid Aaron’s face, and his own felt hot, and he wished they could spend the day together, but they just couldn’t do that…

They couldn’t.  

But he had another idea. “How about you and I do something on Valentine’s Day, Seb?”

“I’m your son,” he muttered.

“Exactly and I love ya… So, we could make a special day of it, right? If your Dad’s okay with it?”

“Yeah, it’s a great idea. What do you say, Seb?”

Seb looked from Aaron to Robert and back again with an odd expression on his face. Robert was just learning how to read his son, and he wasn’t all sure what it was he was witnessing, and he was afraid Seb was about to say no, that he didn’t want to spend time with him and he wondered if he could brace for that hurt.

“Seb…” Aaron said, his voice gruff.

“Okay, yeah, of course,” Seb said quickly, and he hugged Robert too. “Yeah, it’ll be fun.” He pulled away from Robert and looked, Aaron. “I saw Isaac was up at the swings can I go, Da?”

“Of course,” Aaron said, and Seb rushed off quickly.

“It isn’t weird, is it?” Robert asked after a beat.

“What?”

“Father and son on Valentine’s Day?”

“Bloody made-up holiday anyway, why not use it as an excuse to love on him?” Aaron shrugged. “Plus, he’s got your sweet tooth, so chocolate will win help in you continue to win him over.”

“Are you suggesting I’d bribe my son to like me?”

“Are you suggesting you wouldn’t?” Aaron’s eyes glinted.

“No,” Robert laughed, and it felt like they fell into a staring contest. Robert cleared his throat and asked another question he shouldn’t, but he was curious.  "What happened with…“

"Tim? It just wasn’t going to… It wasn’t going to work out…” Aaron cleared his throat. “It’s been coming.”

“Oh, yeah… I just didn’t…” He felt stupid and like he was making it all about him, or them when it probably wasn’t about him at all.

“It just wasn’t going to work out, we wanted different things…” Aaron said after a beat.  

“I'm…” he tried to say sorry, but it never formed on his tongue.

They stood there again, and Robert started to wonder if they were standing to close when Aaron broke the silence again. “So…A pint later?”

Robert smiled with relief, and he felt more grounded again. The truth was they’d decided to be mates. They’d avoided each other when he first got back. They’d yelled at each other, and then Robert had broken down and apologized. Aaron revealed he’d forgiven him years ago…

They got to a good place. It was for Seb, really, Robert thought because they couldn’t raise him together as strangers. And Aaron offered to do this to make them equal in their son’s life, and Robert felt grateful. The truth was Aaron held the cards, he was the one who was raising their son, and Robert wasn’t going to take away that power. But Aaron wanted them to do it together, he promised Robert they’d figure out a way and asked for them to mates.

So they were mates.

And they went for a pint.

Nearly every day.

“Yeah, meet ya there, usual time?”

Aaron nodded. “Yeah.”

“Great…” He said. “I better…” He raised up his groceries.

“Right… I should get what I came in for…” Aaron looked around the shop.

Yet they stood there together, both of them pointedly not looking at the other before they cleared their throats and went their separate ways. As Robert turned, he caught a glimpse of Seb through the window and smiled at him, happy to see him but a bit curious why he was looking into the store. Seb blinked, then smiled and waved at him before turning around and heading toward the playground.  

Robert shrugged, shook his head, and stuck his groceries down for the kid currently working for David to scan.

One Day Later

Seb sighed where he sat at the bar of the Woolpack, his maths homework spread out in front of him. He was nearly done, he could’ve been done ages ago, but he kept getting distracted. But how STUPID his Dads were. They were first-class idiots. Seb had never seen anyone or anything more ridiculous than the two of them. He really wondered how they could be so monumentally idiotic?

He turned back to his maths, but he couldn’t focus, so he ended up looking at his Dads again and sighed again. Because they looked happy, they looked more than happy, really, and Seb was sick and tired of them ignoring the fact that they only felt that way together.

He could see it. They both smiled the entire time, they’d see each other, and their faces would light up, and they’d talk, and the smiles would be wider and brighter. They reached his Da’s eyes, and he had never seen his Da smile like that and all his clearest memories his Da was there… and he was sometimes a sulky bloke, but so was Seb — so what, but he’d thought he’d seen his Da happy before. He thought Tim had made his Da happy, but then he’d seen his Dad make his Da laugh…

And yeah, there was no comparing it.

His Da was the happiest Seb ever seen him since his dad came home — Seb was too, and he knew his Dad was because he told Seb more than once that being in his life again was the happiest he’d been in a long time. But he was still sad when his Da wasn’t around, and his Da was downright moody and weird when his Dad wasn’t around.

But they kept saying they were just mates. Seb shook his head because they didn’t look like mates. And they looked way more happy and in love than Da had ever looked with Tim. And Tim had been gone for weeks now, weeks, and he definitely wasn’t coming back…

So wasn’t his Da saying anything to his Dad about them.

They loved each other, you’d need to live under a rock to not know it.

How did they not know it? It seemed the only explanation, the two of them were being idiots who couldn’t see the truth. They belonged together. Seb was starting to believe he was the one who would have to do something about it. If they wouldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together — he’d just have to figure out how to make it happen.

~~~

He decided Leyla Harding-Cavanaugh was his only hope for two very important reasons. The first was a conversation he’d overheard between her and Tracy the night before…. It seemed he wasn’t the only one watching his Dads and wondering why they were being slow about admitting their feelings. She thought it would happen sooner rather than later. Seb had heard her use the word inevitable. So, they were in agreement that his Dads belonged together, and that made her a natural ally. Second. Her job was throwing Weddings. Soppy things were her specialty, so she would know exactly what he needed to do to get his Dads to stop being idiots.

So he walked into Take a Vow, carrying the big shoe box from under his bed and marched up to Leyla at her desk and spilled all the coins and paper bills of money he had onto it and announced himself.

“I need to hire you for advice,” he said.

Leyla blinked at him a bit and stared at the money. “What?”

“I need to hire you for advice,” he repeated.

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

Then she was grinning. She leaned forward her eyes wide with interest. “Who is the lucky girl or boy you want to impress for Valentine’s Day?”

He screwed up his face in disgust. “Ew. It’s not about me.”

“It’s not?”

“No…gross.”

“I’m confused,” Leyla shook her head.

“It’s my Dads.”

“Oh…” She breathed it out like it solved all the questions in the universe.

“How do I get them to admit they should get back together?”  

She was back to blinking at him and he’d really never noticed how long her eyelashes were — they had to be fake, he leaned forward a bit to see if he could tell.

“Seb, I don’t think I can help you there.”

“No! You have too, it’s taking way too long and their all sad when they aren’t together.”

“Well… it is very complicated.”

“Is not,” he stood his ground. “They’re happier together. Da does this thing with his mouth I didn’t know he could, and my Dad gets bigger, like he’s less scared of everything since he’s out of prison. And they laugh, and they talk FOREVER and forget to drink their pints. They need to get back together, PLEEEEEASE.”

“Isn’t your dad with Tim?”

“They broke up like weeks ago….” Seb sighed, feeling frustrated.

Leyla’s eyes lit up. “Really?”

“Yes! And it’s Valentine’s Day, shouldn’t they get together then?”

“Well…”

“You have to help me make them see it’s for the best.”

“I don’t know what I can do, though… I don’t really disagree with you, always was a bit jealous of them really…. But it’s been a long time, and your dad, Robert, he just got out of prison.”

“It’s been months, he got out before my birthday.”

“Well… I mean short of knocking their heads together, I really don’t know…”

“Knocking their heads together, how would that work?”

“Not literally, locking them in a room or something until they really talk about things… but I mean, you can’t really do that, can you, Seb.”

“Lock them…” Seb’s brain felt warm, thoughts were forming, a plan was taking place. HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO. “Thank you, Mrs. Harding-Cavanagh,” he shouted before running out of her shop.

“Seb, your money…” Leyla yelled.

“You earned it,” he yelled back just before the door closed and grinned madly.

Operation Idiots was in effect.

There were just a few details to iron out before Friday.

~~~

Later on Thursday

Robert glanced at the cheap watch on his wrist, and Aaron averted his eyes from it and tried not to think about the watch that used to live on his husb — no Robert’s wrist… Aaron sighed and wondered when he’d find the courage to return the watch to Robert now that he was out — he could give it to Seb himself someday. But the thought of even touching that watch brought up feelings and thoughts that were just best avoided.  

“Huh…it’s really late, Aaron.”

Aaron glanced at the pint he’d barely taken a sip from because they’d just kept talking all night. Not about much really, mostly Seb and some random subjects. It wasn’t like they’d ever had issues just talking, or getting along, or just being quiet together. It was all so simple, really, how easy it was to be Robert’s mate and just meet for a pint. "Is it?“

"Going on ten.”

Aaron’s eyes widened, and he looked around the bar. Seb was easy to find. He was at the corner of it by the door to the kitchen. His books were all shut, and he was sitting there and looking at them. At seeing Aaron look over, he immediately looked away like he’d been caught — that was weird. Or maybe he knew it was way past his bedtime. “I’ve gotta get Seb home…”

Robert nodded and moved to his feet. “Of course.”

Somehow though, Aaron and Seb found themselves walking with Robert. He and Seb were talking. Robert checking he’d done all his homework and listening to him talk about his assignments. Aaron felt a warmth in his chest at it all, Robert getting to hear about their kid’s day at school, and he swallowed over a lump in his throat at it all. It was nice, but it also unsettled him.  

They all came to a stop in front of Keepers.

“Well, here I am…” Robert said. “So, I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow, and we’ll spend the rest of the day together?” he asked Seb and Aaron wished he stop sounding so unsure.

“Of course, Dad, I want too,” Seb said, his tone reassuring and saying with it what Aaron wished he could find the words to say to Robert. He wanted Robert to see what he did, how mad their kid was about him. Seb loved Robert, he’d never stopped. Asked about him all the time, in a lot of ways, he’d kept Robert alive for Aaron in a way that didn’t burn — too much.  

Robert looked relieved and hugged Seb goodbye, running a hand over his head before standing up straighter. “Well, yeah, I’ll see ya, Aaron.”

“See ya…” Aaron echoed.

But they stood there, gazes locked for a good minute. Aaron searched for an excuse to keep talking, but there was none, and he almost thought Robert was doing that same. But then Robert shook his head a bit and turned around. And Aaron watched him walk away and go inside the cottage.

And Aaron felt an impulse to fly at the door, bang on it, and drag Robert home with him because he was remembering another February. A night where he stood exactly where he was standing now and shouted at Robert that they belonged together because it was the truth of them. Of him. It was something he knew in his bones, that Robert was it for him and no one else would ever compare.

He loved Robert.

He knew he loved Robert.

It was in the bones of him.

He’d broken up with Tim because with Robert back, he’d seen he’d been settling — again — and he knew he couldn’t do that to Tim. Tim deserved someone who could give him all of themselves. Aaron would never be able to do that with any other man but Robert.

Yet it didn’t mean he was letting Robert back into his heart, into his home, into his life…

Even though it was all forgiven.  

He’d forgiven Robert a long time ago for pushing him away. He’d always understood why even if he hadn’t been able to admit for the first year or so… But even so, when Robert arrived back in town that anger had risen up and he’d yelled, he’d yelled until his throat was hoarse. They’d cried, they’d both apologized but hearing Robert’s had given him clarity.

It truly was all forgiven.

But it was too late for them.

It’d been too long.

It was too risky.

All those things echoed and repeated in Aaron’s head, so he’d done the only thing he could think of and promised himself they’d be mates. Best mates, close mates… that’d they be friends. Because at the very least, he could get his best friend back because it was the truth. Somewhere during all their breakups and reunions, Robert had become his best friend, the one person who knew him with just a look and that he could talk to about anything.

The depth of how he’d just missed that alone was unspeakable.

So, they had a pint, every day, and talked about everything, talked about nothing — like today where they’d mocked Valentine’s Day again like they used too and talked about Seb and what he might like to do with Robert. Then they just talked about their son, because it was the easiest and both their favorite subject… But it’d been quiet too, or they’d spoken about nothing really, it’d just been good to sit together, to laugh together.

Aaron ignored the fact he’d ached to touch Robert the entire time, and now he pushed down the ached he felt to fly at Vic’s door, pound on it, and shout at Robert to come home.

“Da?” Seb’s voice broke through his thoughts.

And reminded him how terrifying his feelings where. Because it was terrifying. What if it all went wrong? Aaron wouldn’t be the only one hurt. He turned to Seb and smiled at him and ignored that it was a bit forced because he did ache for Robert. But their son was everything, to him and to Robert.

And they weren’t going to risk hurting him.

“Let’s get home,” Aaron said and started walking toward the Mill.

“Why can’t you come with us tomorrow.”

“It’d be good for you and your dad to have a day to yourselves, don’t you want too?”

“Of course, yeah, it’ll be fun, but…”

“What?”

“Couldn’t all of us just play some games and watch a movie at The Mill?”

“No,” Aaron shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Seb, I have to work tomorrow anyway, there is a big shipment, I will be stuck up there long after you get home from school. And this is important to your dad, all right. He likes to spoil the people he loves, and he’s got a lot of lost time to make up with you.”

Seb’s face went serious, and he nodded. “I get it, I guess, but I love him. He doesn’t have to spoil me.”

“I know, I think he might know that too, but remind him, alright…” Aaron frowned. “Sometimes, he doesn’t think he’s enough.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated. Come on, we’ve got to get you home, it’s past your bedtime, I don’t know how it got so late.”

Seb snorted.  

“What?”

“You don’t know how it got so late?” Seb was giving him a look.

Aaron blinked at him.

“Whatever,” Seb whined two seconds later.

“Seb?”

Seb sighed and yawned. “I’m just tired, I guess, since it’s so late, forget it.”

Aaron smiled at him, fondly and put his hands on his shoulders. He was getting so tall, he would be taller than him, and he wondered if he’d be taller than Robert or the same height as him. “Let’s get you home.”

“I just…”

“What Seb?”

“He never comes to the Mill, Dad… Unless you’re not there.”

“Seb,” Aaron sighed. “It’s just complicated.”

“Why?”

“The Mill is…” Aaron shook his head. “It’s better this way, alright.”

“Why?”

They weren’t purposely doing it, at least Aaron didn’t think they were. But it made sense, he thought. Them avoiding being together at the Mill. It’d been their home, and it’d been a happy home. Robert built it for them, and once they finally were truly together, nothing else between them and living together. It’d been the best days of Aaron’s life, and he looked back and knew he’d never been that happy before. And he only came close to be that happy again when he was with Robert — he knew it, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.  

They couldn’t go back. Could they?

As they walked closer to it, Aaron realized he hadn’t allowed it to change much over the years. He could bring himself to completely de-Robert it. Things here and there changed but the soul of it… The soul of it was what Robert built.

For them.

Robert had been in the Mill a few times since he came home. And the space was loud around them… All the happy memories had echoed around them, and for Aaron, it brought back their dreams too. Seeing Robert in the Mill reminded him about their life together, how they’d wanted more children. He thought about them now, those children. Would they be boys or girls? Would they be more like Robert or him…  

“Da?” Seb sounded worried, and Aaron looked at him and knew they’d all be as brilliant as him. Suddenly he was missing children he never had and never would have…  

There was no blame, but that dream was broken.

“It’s just complicated, Seb,” Aaron repeated.

“I just… I like having you both around and…”

“You’ll always have the both of us, Seb,” Aaron interrupted him. “Always,  Robert’s not going anywhere. Never again.”

“I know that,” Seb sounded exasperated. “Do you?”

“What?”

“I know Dad’s staying. But I don’t think you’ve figured it out.” Seb stalked into the Mill.

Seb suddenly seemed older than his twelve years. Aaron had seen a fierceness in his eyes that showed he’d meant every word, but Aaron wasn’t at all sure he understood at all what Seb meant. He hurried into the Mill and caught him just before he went upstairs.

“Seb, I know your dad will never leave ya, again.”

“I’m not talking about me, Da,” Seb sounded even more frustrated. “I’m going to bed.”

All Aaron could do was shake his head.

Valentine’s Day

“So, you’re working?” it was the third time he doubled his check his dad planned to be at the scrapyard ALL DAY. But it was important to his plan that the day goes according to THE PLAN.

“I told you, big shipment coming in this morning, will be busy all day.”

“Right so, the shipment’s at…”

“Around noon… Seb, what’s this about?”

“Nothing,” he muttered and put a piece of toast in his mouth. But he felt his dad’s eyes on him. Seb knew he seemed suspicious, but it was hard to act calm about everything. This plan could change everything. This plan had to change everything, he thought as he stuffed more toast in his mouth and hoped Da would drop it.

He got lucky, and his dad went back to eating his own toast.

Seb started to smile as he chewed.

“Looking forward to your day with your Dad?” Aaron asked him, and it was the third or fourth time. He wasn’t the only one repeating questions.

“Yeah, of course. Still think it’s a dumb holiday,” he muttered, because it was dumb — unless he managed to get his Dads back together, then it might become his favorite holiday.  

“It’s important to your dad to treat ya, Seb.”

“And I’m gonna let him…” Seb grinned. “I mean, he tries too hard, but it’s nice…” He bit into the last piece of toast because he felt his eyes getting wet. The truth was he really did like spending time with his Dad. Anywhere and anyway, he didn’t really care.  His Da wasn’t the only one who had missed him.

The truth was before Dad came back, all of Seb’s memories about him were pretty blurry. But, he remembered a lot of sweets being given to him, and there were funny voices he’d make for the characters in all his favorite books. Seb remembered being held in strong arms and feeling safe. And he’d tried hang onto that memory the hardest after his mum died. He’d tried to hang onto all of them harder after she died, and wished he had clearer ones to hold on like he did of her.

But it got harder the older he was…

And now he had him back he knew again how safe his hugs felt and that his Dad loved him and how he smiled at hard he was always trying and how sometimes he asked too many questions and Seb didn’t really have all the answers. But his Dad wanted to know him, and he wanted to know his Dad too…

But he wanted him home more.

Being back in the village wasn’t enough.

Harry shouldn’t be the one getting to live with him.

Seb wanted his Dads together because that was going to make them happier, and it would make him happier too.

So, today his Dad wasn’t going to get to try to hard to show his love. No, today, his Dad was finally going to admit he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his Da again…

At least if Seb had any say in the matter.

“I love him, Da,” Seb said.

Aaron smiled at him at that, and the light in his eyes almost lit up as much as it did around his Dad. But it faded out quickly, and his father shook his head. “Yeah, yeah…he loves you.”

“Da?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you?” Seb asked as doubt about his plan creeped in out of nowhere.

“Do I what?”

“Love Dad?”

“Seb…” His voice sounded clogged up. “It’s complicated.”

Seb frowned. “That’s grown-up, for I don’t wanna lie to you.”

“It is not.”

“Then tell me the truth? You always say the truth is best.”

“Seb…”

“What?”

Aaron sighed and moved his chair closer to Seb. “Sometimes, love is complicated and when you’re older…”

“So, you do, love him,” Seb exclaimed because that was all he needed to know to be sure again.

“Yes….but.”

“I knew it,” Seb grinned, cutting his father’s disclaimer off. Seb was pretty sure it was just grown-up lies and silliness anyway. His doubt was gone, and he nodded to himself. He’d seen them together, he knew his Da’s smiles, and he knew only his Dad had the power to make him really happy.

He was definitely doing the right thing.

~~~

“No?” Robert scratched the back of his neck and tried not to feel out of sorts, but it was easy to feel thrown by Seb. He wanted them to get along, and he wanted to spend as much as time as he could with him. He knew he’d never get bored of him, he loved him so much — it hurt sometimes. And he’d lost so much time, and since deciding on spending Valentine’s Day with him, he’d been looking forward to it a lot.

But Seb seemed off, and now he was saying no to a movie, and Robert felt hurt, and he tried to shove it aside because it wasn’t about him. It was about his son. He took a deep breath and told himself it was just a no to seeing a movie. Maybe Seb had something else he wanted to do.  

“I forgot something in Da’s car,” Seb said as he finished off his chocolate donut. “It’s part of a maths project that’s due Monday.”

Robert frowned. “Was it assigned today, you haven’t mentioned it before?”

“No, I just forgot about it. But I thought Aunt Liv is always saying your good at maths and all. Can you help me with it today? Maybe we can do a movie later, with Da? Please, Dad?”

“Yeah, of course… I mean, I’m not going to let you not finish your homework… Seb, you should have brought this up sooner.”

Seb just shrugged at him, swallowed the donut, and grinned at him in a way that was a lot like looking into a mirror. It made Robert smile, but something about the shine in Seb’s eyes made the hair on the back of his neck stand up.  He chuckled a bit and told himself it was probably a warning that he was in for it with this kid – that this amazing kid was his and he was going to have his hands full. All he wanted was to be a good father, he could at least do all he could to get that right and be there for Seb.

Always.

“Alright, so you left it in your dad’s car?”

“Yeah, the backseat…”  

“Alright, I’ll call him,” he started to pull his phone out of his jacket pocket.

“He’s probably outside, he’s at the scrapyard, said there was a shipment….” Seb hopped up from the table, “Let’s just drive up there.”

Robert nodded and felt thankful he had Vic’s car for the day, and soon enough, they’d climbed into it, and his son started texting. He frowned at that and elbowed him a bit.

“Who are you texting?”

“Belle… I thought since we’re heading that way, I’d walk over to see the pigs? Just making sure someone is home.”

“Okay…” Robert nodded. “You like pigs?”

“Oh yeah, and the cows and lambs at Isaac’s…it’s fun to play with them. Isaac doesn’t like too so much, says he gets stuck having to wake up early, and he gets smelly from things his mum makes him do. I like my chores better.”

Robert smiled. “I hated farming chores, myself.”

“You had chores like Isaac…”

“Yeah, I grew up on a farm like Butler’s…’ Robert smiled and started talking about his childhood, amazed at how easy it felt to talk about memories that use to cause only pain. But it was made easy by Seb’s smiles and simple questions and put everything into a different perspective.  

"Belle says I can come over.”

“Tell her, I’ll be there too…” Robert laughed as he pulled into the scrapyard, a flood of memories hitting him, and he gripped the wheel a bit tight at an onslaught of memories. He and Aaron had been through a lot, and the scrapyard had always been there through all the ups and all the downs. Robert had lost count of the times they’d locked the doors to the Portacabin – when they remembered too anyway.  

But now wasn’t the time for those memories, and he pushed it down for another memory to rise up. It was a bright memory and one of his favorites. He’d thought about it a lot over the years. I’d gotten him through a lot of hard times, and now he could share it with his son… He was back in his son’s life, and he could tell him about the amazing moment Aaron first held him.

“You know, the first time your dad held ya, was in that PortaCabin.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… You were a little terror, I was stressed out, and you were picking it up. Your dad, he held ya for me, and you calmed right down and wrapped him around your finger, I think…” Robert smiled. “I remembered thinking it looked ao right, you two, together…” he sniffed hard to fend off tears, the visceral memory surprising him a bit as he spoke. “I’m just so happy you’ve had him in your life Seb. There is no one who can love ya better than Aaron.”

“There’s you, too, Dad. You both love me loads,” Seb smiled.

“I’ll try.”

Seb beamed and in a blink he was out of the car.

“Seb…” Robert laughed and hurried after him. He felt weird about stepping into the PortaCabin. He’d been working out of Vic’s flat or Nicola’s house rather than up here. It’d felt wrong to encroach on Aaron’s spaces after so long… The first thing he noticed was that the desks had been shifted about a bit bit, but it was the same four walls. There was a slightly newer looking heater that it seemed to keep the room a bit of bearable temperature even in February in Yorkshire.  a

“Hi ya…” Aaron said, looking at the two of them with confusion. “I thought we decided…”  

Not to see each other today. Robert finished for him in his head, and they hadn’t spoken about it. It’d been a silent agreement, and Robert wasn’t totally certain why… Valentine’s Day wasn’t important to them, but it felt like… It felt like it might bring up all the things they both want to say, or the things they feel they can’t say. It just felt best to avoid it altogether.

After all, there was no them.

“Seb forgot about a maths project…” Robert said.

“He what?” Aaron looked at their son.

“Yeah…” Seb muttered. “Sorry… I left it in the car, can I have the keys?”

Aaron sighed and pulled his keys off the ring by the PortaCabin door. “Alright, go get it.”

Seb took the keys and grinned.

Robert felt his hair on his neck, go up again.

“Seb?” Aaron was saying Seb’s name in a parental tone and standing up.

Seb slammed the door shut behind him.

“Oi, no need to slam the…” Aaron shouted but stopped short as they heard the clang of keys and loud click. “Seb!”

Robert stared at the locked door and jumped when his cell phone rang. He grabbed at it and nodded. “It’s him,” he muttered as he answered it.

“Put me on speaker…”

Robert followed the order, mostly because he was too puzzled to do anything else. “Seb, open the door…” the both of them yelled.

“Welcome to Operation Idiots. It’s been FOREVER already, I can’t wait any longer. I’m tired of watching you be all happy together and then sad when you’re apart. I might be a kid, but it is obvious you belong together. I am tired of waiting. So, it is Valentine’s Day, so it’s the perfect time for you two to GET BACK TOGETHER. You’ll be alone, no one will interrupt and you can’t wuss out and leave cause I locked the door. I’ll be over at Wishing Well with the pigs and Belle, so don’t worry about me, I’m sorted.”

The line went dead.

“SEB,” Aaron shouted, and he pounded on the door. “SEB.”

Robert walked to the window and peered out. Sure enough, his son was skipping, his way toward Wishing Well. He shoved his phone into his jacket and suddenly wondered what the hell to do with his arms, legs, hell his entire body.

He was alone with Aaron for the foreseeable.

And the truth was they’d been meeting in public spaces for a reason.

Even if they never spoke it.

Aaron shouted Seb’s name one more time before just stopping. He seemed to just freeze facing the door and let out a long breath.  Then he turned around, and Robert forced himself to look at him.

Aaron looked as frazzled as he felt.

Somehow that allowed him to breathe.

Aaron moved next to him, both of them sitting a bit on the desk with less clutter on it. Aaron scraped his hands over his face and shook his head. “He’s…”

“Mine?” Robert offered with a laugh.

Aaron chuckled.

“Does he really have a maths project?” Robert asked.

“Probably not.”  

Robert laughed again.

Aaron sighed.

“Operation Idiots?” they spoke together, then laughed together, and Robert felt his heart hammer in his chest as he remembered every time he’d fondly called Aaron an idiot… Especially that day, during the last proposal when they’d jinxed each other and Aaron been mad, Robert tried to step on his turn to propose…

It felt so long ago. It was so long ago. But he looked at Aaron and felt like no time had passed at all. But it was heavy now, the memory and realized they’d only managed a year of happiness. He’d ruined it, he’d ruined them every time and did he really deserve another chance.  He wanted it, he wanted it enough to take it – he knew he’d take it if Aaron offered.  

But he couldn’t ask for it.

And he doubted Aaron would offer it.  

Aaron cleared his throat and looked away from him.  

“I’ll call Belle…” He said and dialed her number.

Robert nodded.

“Belle, it’s Aaron…” He started. “Look, can you get the keys from Seb and come and let… What… What do ya.. What?”

“What is she saying?”

“It is not a good idea…” Aaron sighed. “What did he tell ya?”

“Aaron?”

“Belle, no… Belle, just… Hello? Hello?” Aaron groaned.

“Is she coming?” Robert asked though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

“No. She thinks Seb has a point, and we should talk.”

“She what?”

Aaron’s cheeks went red, and he ducked his head. “She’s decided to support Seb’s plan.”

“He’s twelve.”

“Liv was fourteen,” Aaron said.

Robert laughed. “At least we had a beer then.”

Aaron smiled, and their eyes locked.

Then they both looked away.

Robert sighed.

“Belle really won’t make us stay here too long… So uh… Get comfortable?” Aaron muttered and he sat down at his desk. “I guess I’ll do paperwork.”

“Really?” Robert said.

“What?” Aaron said as he sat down.

“Paperwork?”

Aaron averted his eyes and pulled out a pen.

Robert stared at him, and he shifted where he stood. He tried sitting down. He fiddled with the zipper on his jacket. He sighed a few times and glanced at Aaron — a few times he caught Aaron glancing at him, and he was pretty sure Aaron wasn’t actually doing the paperwork in front of him.

Robert cleared his throat loudly.

Aaron looked at him.

“Would…would…” He shouldn’t. He knew he shouldn’t, …but he wanted too and somehow that won out.  "Would talking about what Seb said be so bad?“  

Aaron pretended to be reading whatever paperwork he had under his nose for a bit longer before he finally just dropped the pen he was holding. But he stayed silent.

"Forget it…” Robert muttered.

“Maybe…” Aaron sighed.

“What?” Robert asked they’d spoken at the same time.

Aaron looked at him. “Maybe we should say it.”

“Say what?”

“That’s it’s…off the table.”

Robert clenched his jaw and looked away from Aaron. He ended up turning his back to him as he tried to tell himself he deserved how hard that hurt. It felt like something been slammed at his chest, and the mere thought of it made him feel wrong in his skin. Robert gritted his teeth and forced himself to turn around again and face Aaron. When he turned, he saw Aaron had stood up, and he looked a bit uncertain where he stood, but he wasn’t speaking. But he wasn’t taking it back, and his mouth opened a bit like he wanted to speak, but nothing was coming out of it.

“Alright, then… Say it,” Robert said because it was what Aaron wanted. He could voice it out loud. He could make it true, that there was no going back to them — that was real, there was no hope.

Aaron opened his mouth and closed it.  

Robert waited.

“I can't…” Aaron sighed.

“Love me?” Robert asked before he stopped himself.

“What? No, Robert, say we’re off the table. I can't…I can’t say that.”

“What? I thought you wanted that…”

“Can you? Do you?” Aaron asked him.

Robert shook his head.

“But…” Aaron winced and sat back down at his desk.

Robert sighed.  

“Seb asked me if I still loved you…” Aaron said.

“What did you say?”

“That it was complicated.”

Robert nodded.

“But it isn’t…” Aaron stood up.

“What?”

“Loving you isn’t complicated, it just is Robert.”

“But?”

“It scares me, it always has and it always will…”

Robert nodded.

“And maybe if…”

“If what?”

“If Seb wouldn’t get caught up in the tidal wave…” Aaron said.

Robert nodded.

“I love you, but I don’t know how I can risk you again, Robert.”

“I know,” he said because he did. “I don’t… I’ve never deserved you, and I definitely don’t deserve Seb.”

“No…that’s not. No,” Aaron snapped at him.

“What? It’s true, Aaron.”

“It is not,” Aaron shouted. “Is that..is that what you made you able to do it?”

Robert looked down at his feet and shook his head.

He heard Aaron moving, then he felt him, hovering right in front of him, and then their hands were clasped. He shouldn’t have held Aaron’s hand back, he shouldn’t have let him thread their fingers together, but he allowed it. He let the electricity skate up his arm, the zap he always felt every bloody time Aaron touched him from the first second to the last second.

“Look at me.”

Robert looked up.

“Was that it?” he asked again.

Robert nodded.

“You idiot…” Aaron shook his head. “I knew, I knew it was letting me go because you loved me, I knew you were too stubborn for me to get to – when you were locked away but…”

“But what, you didn’t think I knew I never deserved you?”

“Fuck that,” Aaron snapped. “You do…you deserve whatever you want, Robert. You deserve our little boy, you do.”

“I left him too,” he sniffed. “I walked right away…”

“I was there right after that, I remember you crying out in your sleep, the tears…” Aaron sniffled, and his free hand wiped at his eyes. “You love him like you love me…” He paused. “You do still?”

“Always, Aaron,” Robert breathed. “Don’t know how to stop, and don’t want to learn.”

Aaron sighed.

Robert squeezed Aaron’s hand, felt that zap, and felt dizzy and hopeless. They had to let go. “But it’s not enough, is it?”

“That’s not it…” Aaron shook his head. “You’re enough. Your the only one who is enough…” He laughed. “I tried, more than once, but… I almost married someone, not Tim, but the day came, and I found myself in the garage.”

“Yeah?”

“Us, there, that day… Those vows,” Aaron sighed. “I couldn’t say them to someone else.”

“No?”

“And Tim… He thought he’d change my mind, said he was gonna wear me down…but I was honest. I told him I’d never get married again. I thought I could be with him anyway, that it’d be enough… But that wasn’t fair to him, was it? Especially after, after you and I breathed the same air again.”

“Aaron?”

Aaron squeezed his hand, and his eyes closed. “I don’t know what to do… I know what I want, I just don’t know if it’s right.”

“What?” Robert shook his head. “You can’t…”

“I can’t what?”

“You can’t want me back, Aaron. That’s…”

“What?”

“Stupid… I’m not… I’ll mess it up again, somehow.”

“No,” Aaron shook his head. “We messed it up, Robert.”

“No, I did.”

“I didn’t fight for ya,” Aaron sighed. “I should’ve. I almost did more than once, but…”

“I wouldn’t have let you try.”

“Yeah, and I let that stand. I regret it.”

“Aaron… It was fourteen years, I served most of it… I’m old.”

“You were always old,” Aaron muttered. “And you don’t look it, you look amazing…just some more lines around your eyes, but I always loved the ones already there. And I’m gray.”

“Barely,” Robert whispered, and his free hand hit Aaron’s cheek. Beard stubble against his palm, the perfect scratch, and Aaron’s gray hair was really fine and white, and you’d only notice it if the light hit them just right.  "You’re beautiful.“

"Shut up.”

“You are?” Robert smiled.

Aaron looked at him, and their gazes locked. Robert felt rocked by it harder than the first time it happened. Because he felt rocked by Aaron seeing him every single time it happened. He saw Aaron too, and Aaron’s eyes fell to his mouth for a split second, but it was enough…

Robert kissed him, and he felt like he was breathing for the first time in a decade.

~~~

Aaron sighed as Robert’s mouth landed against his own. It wasn’t a kiss, not yet. For a suspended moment, Aaron just felt like he exhaled a breath he’d been holding – for a long time – possibly since he lost Robert. He sighed, and his eyes closed, and the hand that’d taken Robert’s tightened its hold on him before his other landed on Robert’s chest, right over his heart. He felt it beating, wildly against his palm and he sighed again, he felt Robert breath slip right into his mouth and then they were kissing.

They swayed, their bodies crashing together, there was a push, and a pull and their hands let go, only for Robert’s to land behind his neck, thumb in his cheek, like their first kiss and so many that followed. Aaron grabbed at his arms, biceps that felt bigger than he remembered, and he frowned about why – there was only so much to do in prison. He made a sound, at remembering why Robert was gone…

Why he left…

It’d been easy to just focus on him being gone if he thought about the why it broke his heart, it made him miss him, it made him fight himself about allowing the time and space between them.

They’d never fell out of love.

Robert never did anything wrong.

He heard voices in his head that were his mum’s, Paddy’s, Cain’s… Talking about murder, but he shook his head. Because Robert had ended a monster, a real true life monster. He dug his hands into Robert’s arms and allowed himself to fall deeper into the kiss.  

It was Robert, he inhaled and smelled him and felt it settle into him and over him, he pulled at him wanting him closer, wanting to feel the heat of his skin and see if remembered what his skin felt like… He was yanking and pulling, he felt himself losing his hi-vis vest, and he was on top of a desk, Jimmy’s he thought idly, but then his eyes fell on freckled skin…

He pulled more buttons apart and ran his hands up Robert’s chest and counted his favorite spray of freckles that were between his nipples. He pressed forward and kissed him there. Robert made a noise, both whimper and moan, and he did it again. Missed him making sounds like that, missed every fucking thing about him.  

It overwhelmed him, and he was pulling back and looking up. He was on the desk, and Robert was standing between his legs, he felt large and looming over him. Aaron felt his insides curl, and he realized he was crying, just as Robert’s thumbs caught his tears. He looked at Robert’s face and saw his own chin, wobbling in that way it did, the way Aaron knew Robert hated.  

Robert let out a deep shuddering breath, and their foreheads smacked together, Robert curled down over him and Aaron looking up, his legs around his waist – he thought he should move them but he couldn’t. He took a few breathes and tried to find words.

“Aaron?” Robert breathed his name, and it sounded to reverent.

“It’s just me,” he said.

“But it’s not…” Robert whispered. “It’s like you said. We have to consider Seb.”

Aaron nodded.

“I want you…” Robert’s voice was deep. “But I can’t if it’s not going to be…”

“Forever?”

“Yeah?”

“I wish I could make grand promises, I could make them sound believable.”

Aaron laughed.

“I love you, I’ll always love you but…”

“You do, though,” Aaron sighed and moved just enough to lean back, grab Robert’s face and stare at him. “You deserve what you want, you deserve happy Robert.”

“I destroy.”

“Tell Jack to shut up,” Aaron spat.

Robert’s mouth clicked closed.

Aaron sighed, and the guilt ate him. “I let myself pretend you really left me.”

“I did.”

“No. You let me go…” His voice broke. “You loved me, and you let me go… And I let you do it.”

“I thought it was a lifetime, Aaron.”

“But, your home…” Aaron sighed. “And I never, I never found anything close.”

Robert sighed.

“You’ve always said no one comes close…” Aaron sniffed.

“They don’t, no one could…”

“Same, Robert…” Aaron sighed. “Why do you think I broke up with Tim?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t want too…”

“What?”

“Hope?”

Aaron laughed. “It’s scary, it is… You’ve terrified me from the first second I touched ya…”

Robert laughed.

“I shoved you against that wall, remember… Told you right off for being a smug arse.”

“I remember.”

“But I had ya there, against that wall and I just wanted… I wanted ya, Robert, and it scared me. You scare me, I know you, I know what we have…and…” Aaron stared into Robert’s eyes, the color of a tropical ocean, full of tears, and he blinked. Making tears fall from his own eyes, he remembered drowning in a car and knowing he couldn’t live with it if Robert went with him…

But Robert would’ve in a heartbeat.

It was scary.

It wasn’t normal.

But nothing about his life ever was….

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

Robert nodded, and Aaron saw the same fear in his eyes.

“But…”

“Aaron, don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“I do, though, don’t I, I always mean it… It’s you. I’ll always choose you.”

Robert smiled. “Aaron?”

“We belong together.”

“But…”

“We risk it,” Aaron lunged forward and kissed him, again and again, and spoke between the press of their lips. “We risk it, for us, for Seb… We won’t be happy apart, it won’t work, Robert, you know it… You know.”

“I know,” Robert whispered into his mouth.  

“I love ya,” Aaron smiled.

“Always,” Robert whispered.

“I need ya…” They whispered in unison as they pulled and yanked at the rest of their clothes, remembering how to touch each other just right. Aaron realized he never really forgot the taste of Robert’s skin – it was a craving he’d never been able to sate.

Their intimacy was their own and it blew anything else he’d ever felt out of the water – because no one ever came close despite the lies he told himself. He panted into Robert’s neck and let him hold him as he came apart.

And Robert shook his arms, and he felt tears against his shoulder. He had his fingers in Robert’s hair and into his scalp. “It’s alright.”

“I just… Thought I’d lost you forever.”

“Never.”

Robert breathed. “Might have to prove it a few times,” but he laughed and their eyes locked. Robert winked, and it made a tear fall, Aaron pressed forward and kissed it off his cheek.

“I’ll prove it.”

Robert kissed his forehead, and Aaron felt himself cry. It was relief though and a bit of fear but knew he’d made the right choice. Robert was always his right choice. They fit together too well, they were…

“You’re my soulmate,’ Robert breathed, lips pressing the skin of his forehead again.

"I know,” Aaron whispered, buried his face into Robert’s chest. The only place he’d ever felt complete safety.  

“Now what?” Robert asked after a few minutes.

“We get dressed… It’s bloody cold in here.”

Robert laughed, and reluctantly they moved apart and slipped back into their clothes, stealing glances, and Aaron felt younger than he had in years. He felt a bit giddy and grinned, and then he laughed loudly.

“What?”

“Valentine’s Day is one of our anniversaries now.”

Robert scoffed. “Why don’t we just make it all of February.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…” He smiled.

Aaron knew he meant it too. “Come home? Tonight?”

Robert smiled. “Are you…”

“Of course, I’m sure…” Aaron smiled, and old memory flashed in his mind, of Robert on other February day, pulling two rings out of a wallet.

“Aaron?” Robert protested as Aaron moved out of his reach.

He found the safe and hurried over to it and turned the combination. He looked through the papers and things inside for the specific large blue envelope he’d put them in and found it. He pulled it out and turned toward Robert. “I had to keep them safe.”

“Aaron?”

He opened the envelope and pulled out a watch and two rings.

Robert’s mouth fell open.

“I was going to give this to Seb, like you wanted, on his eighteenth – now you can, and you could…”

“Aaron?” Robert licked his lips.

“I love you,” Aaron said. “I want this…” he stepped forward and took the cheap watch off of Robert’s wrist and snapped their watch back around his wrist where it belonged. Then he grabbed his left hand and held up one of the rings?

Robert nodded.

“Marry me again?” Aaron laughed as he slipped it on his finger.

“God, yes…I love you,” Robert smiled, and he took the other ring from Aaron, took Aaron’s hand and slipped it onto his finger. In that second, Aaron felt himself become whole again.

“Soon,” they both whispered.

They kissed, and Aaron whimpered when Robert broke it.

“We should go tell Seb,” he said.

“Give him a right big head.”

“Say he deserves it… He’s pretty brilliant. One his first schemes, and it’s worked.”

Aaron laughed. “He gets that from me.”

[donaldresslerfanfic]

Unpredictable

Rating: M

Warnings: Strong Language, Sexual Content.

Word Count: 2867

Donald Ressler X OC Maggie Waters.

Chapter: Eighty-Two

Chapter Index

Story on Wattpad

Ressler. 

After Liz was reinstated, things against Garvey moved fast. Liz saw the littlest sign of hope when she found a witness who could identify him as the killer of the detective that was helping Liz, but quickly lost it when the witness was snatched from Aram's custody.

I'd seen Aram looking over at files and  security cameras and CCTV footage in his off time, non stop.

We were stalling in reports so we could get moving. I received an update later in the morning.

"Forensics says the report’s gonna be ready later today." I informed as I walked to Aram's station.

"I promised that we would protect him – that I would protect him." Aram said with a sad look on his face.

"Aram, we’re gonna find out whoever took this witness, all right?" I tried to cheer him up with a pat on the back.

"Tony Mejia was gonna testify that he saw Ian Garvey murder a cop. And thanks to me he probably never will." My eyes fell from him to the side

"Whoa, wait. Is that what I think it is?" I said referring to a little bag I saw peaking from his first desk drawer.

"Oh, uh – it was my grandmother’s. Amethyst is Samar’s birthstone." I chuckled a bit as he handed me the little bag. Birthstones were like zodiac signs to me, how that meant anything related to the day you were born was always going to be a mystery to me.

"Now, here I thought you were all doom and gloom." I opened the box and gave the ring a look, it was a nice ring, definitely fitted Samar. "When are you gonna pop the question?"

"What?" Aram asked with a chuckle and a frown "No. No, no, no, no" he said as I placed the ring back in the bag. "This is not an engagement ring. It’s just a ring."

"But you guys have been dating for over a year. You give her just a ring, she’s gonna think it’s a proposal."

"That’s insane. How can she think it’s a proposal if I do not propose?"

"I can guess what a woman’s gonna do, but why she does it, I got no clue."

"Apparently, I don’t, either."

"Well, why don’t you ask one"

I motioned with my head at Liz, who was walking towards us. Her and Samar tried to convince Aram once again that it wasn't his fault the witness was taken. Upon revising the events, it was obvious it was an ambush. Liz received a call from Reddington and left to meet with him.

We were stalled for a bit until Liz came back, and whilst Samar and I headed out for a case, I leaned that Aram did ask Liz the question about the ring.

"She told me that Samar would only think it's a proposal if she wants to marry me"

I frowned and shook my head a bit. "I guess I really don't know what women want"

He let out a little chuckle and sat down in Samar's chair in our office. "You already have one woman, I guess you only need to know what she wants"

My eyes landed on a photo I had of Mags and Alma when she was a baby. I guess I need to update it. Alma was on her way to her second year already.

"About Liz" I diverted "I don't think we're going to get too far"

"Why do you say that?" he said a little offended by my pessimism.

"Because Reddington is working for his own benefit as always, and we've learned before that even though he cares about Liz, he's always his first priority"

He frowned a bit, confused.

"Do you know about the car? How could you?"

"No, what car?"

"The car we used to transport myself and the witness, it was hijacked, and after I did some digging I got an ID of the person who placed the device. He works for Reddington"

I let out a dry laugh and shook my head.

"See? Reddington is hiding something from Liz, and he values that more than helping her get to the person who killed her husband"

I stood up from the chair with a grunt.

"Makes me sick" I said in a sigh.

I heard someone walk from the stairs, and I exited the office to meet up with Samar and Cooper, he gave us our last directions and we were off again.

That day we resolved the case of the vigilante child bride. I had the chance to go home early and leave the investigation to Samar and Liz. I still couldn't believe she was willing to help Reddington retrieve something he wanted from the girl.

"Don" Maggie called from next to me, I led my eyes to her and then down to Alma who was handing me something.

"Oh look at this" I said taking a piece of paper scribbled all over "what a masterpiece, thanks cupcake" she smiled sheepishly and was off again to  continue drawing in the floor in front of us. Mags was watching a movie after we'd had dinner, I was just there to make company.

"Ever since you came back on the taskforce you've been different" she noted. I stopped watching Alma draw and looked up at Mags, she was hugging her legs on her chest, waiting for me to answer.

"I've always hated secrecy and lies and... That's all Liz is getting and I don't think it's fair. I also had a car bomb explode next to me and some idiot stopped me from getting the unsub but that's beside the point"

"I see" she said with a little nod "but is it just the Liz thing that has you worried?"

"Yes" I answered with certainty, because it was. "Everything else is fine. Because we're fine right?" I asked her, she gave me a little smile and ran a hand on her hair.

"I mean we haven't had sex in a week"

"Oh I see, that's all you want me for" I teased as I leaned over her, she gave me an eyeroll as she looked sideways with a smile.

"No" she said with an obvious tone. I grabbed her by the legs and pulled her to me, leaning over her and latching her legs on my sides "the kid is watching"

"She's not" I downed my lips to hers and kissed her. I realized only then that we had been doing our own things and hadn't been together all that much, because I felt like I hadn't enjoyed a kiss with her in a while. She rounded my neck with her arms and I hummed against her lips. "I guess it has been a while uh?" I said quietly over them. She smiled a little and leaned in to kiss me again. I rubbed her waist and pulled her up, sitting back on the couch with her on arms.

"That's not all I want you for" she excused, hugging me by the neck "I just miss you"

"I know" I hugged her tightly by the waist, pulling her closer to my chest "we should go out tomorrow"

"I don't know, you're kind of unpredictable now" the corner of my lip pulled down to give her a sad smile.

It was crazy how we talked about how unpredictable everything was and the next day I got sent to Paris. After we rode in Reddington's private jet to Paris, he left us in the hotel to wait for him. For hours.

I hated when he left us waiting.

"Okay, enough" I said standing from the rather cozy loveseat in the living room, Samar looked up at me with a little frown "where is he? We need to call him, we need to get moving"

"Okay, I'll call him" she said standing and pulling her phone from her jacket.

After finding out that Reddington was kind of planning things as they went, we met up with him later that day.

He went on with the information he had about Mosadek and his security, and by the end of it I was sure it was impossible.

"No way, this could take weeks to plan out correctly, there's no way we're getting in"

"Let alone get Mosadek out" Samar chimed in.

"Oh come on, where's your sense of adventure?" He stressed.

"So you've got a way to get this lowlife out without getting us all killed?"

"The elevator" he replied simply.

"Oh the elevator?" I asked with sarcasm.

"Oh my God, you had the same idea!"

Few were the times when I actually felt like I could jump to Reddington's throat, because I wasn't in the mood the joke, and most definitely not in the mood to die. The elevator sounded like a terrible idea already.

We went on with the plan barely got the guy, and after Reddington interrogated him and somehow involved us all in a bigger thing that the one we signed up for, I had to call Cooper to get authorization. Later that day I face timed Mags to let her know the news.

"Hey princess" I saluted, Maggie smiled.

"Hey love, how are you"

"Daddy!" I heard Alma yell in the background, Maggie chuckled and moved the camera to focus Alma in the background, she was sitting in a chair eating.

"Hey cupcake" I saluted "where are you guys?" I asked after I didn't exactly recognized the furniture of the place.

"Well" Maggie said and turned around to focus Aram on the background. "I'm with Aram, he invited us over for dinner"

"Oh, it's uh, agent Ressler"

Maggie frowned and gave him a side look.

"I know it's hard but you can at least try to call him Donald, his first name is not Agent" she joked, Aram was clearly flustered.

"Okay, hi Donald" he saluted, then frowned "that sounds awful"

Maggie laughed and shook her head.

"What are you two doing?"

"You left me" she stressed "and went out to Paris with his girlfriend"

I stood up and walked around the suite, finding Samar sitting in front of a computer in the living room.

"We're being cheated on" I announced, sitting next to her and focusing us both in the camera.

"Hi Samar" Maggie saluted.

"Oh, hi Maggie. What are you two doing?" Samar asked, clearly weirded out as well.

I don't think either of them were too comfortable knowing that we were hanging out with eachother's partners, but I'd walked on James having breakfast with Mags too many times to be weirded out at this point.

"I think Aram and I would make a better couple, you know why?" Maggie said holding Aram by the shoulders.

"Because you ramble too much?" Samar answered.

"No, because we-" she motioned between them "believe in ghosts"

It was unbelievable how Samar and I grunted in reply.

"Oh yeah, Samar doesn't believe in ghosts" Aram interjected.

"Neither does Donald, he laughs at me"

"Everything that has happened to you, is completely explainable" I said. Aram and Maggie looked at eachother in surprise, I guessed that Samar must tell him the same thing.

"Anyway" Maggie said walking away from Aram "what are you two doing?"

"I saved Dembe from a falling elevator whilst Samar talked to a Parisian old man" I answered, standing up from the chair and heading back to the couch near one of the windows "I'll have to stay in Paris for a few more days"

"Oh, okay" Maggie replied with a little look I couldn't pinpoint "say bye to your dad" she moved the phone to focus Alma. She was still a little weirded out by the FaceTime method, so she kept looking at Maggie while talking to me "say bye"

"Bye" she complied

"Say bye dad"

"Bye dad" she said, then threw me a kiss and a hand wave. I bet Maggie made her do that.

"Bye love, I'll talk to you later" Maggie yelled, then ended the call.

My time in Paris lasted two more days between shots and not so nice runs in the catacombs of Paris. We arrived back home, then Cooper gave us our leave, even though we didn't catch the blacklister, our case was finished.

I arrived home by the time of lunch, though Mags wasn't at the house.

I was rolling my suitcase down the hall towards the bedroom when I heard a scream on the other side of the hallway, I looked up when I heard hurried steps coming down the hall, I bent down to catch Alma in my arms as she came crashing to me.

"Hey cupcake" I said with a chuckle, picking her up and holding my suitcase with my other hand.

"Hi Daddy" she said showing me some kind of dough she had in her hands.

"Did you miss me?"

"Yes" she replied, I set my suitcase near the door of the closet and left Alma on top of our bed

"Really? How much?" I made conversation as I took off my jacket. She extended her arms at her side "wow, that much? That's a lot" I said with a smile. I finished unbuttoning my shirt and headed into the closet to put on a shirt, then changed my pants to some sweatpants and headed out.

Alma was focused on her dough, I picked her up again and headed to the kitchen, Carol was there setting up something for Alma to eat.

"Hey Donald" she saluted "how are you?"

"Half tired" I replied, leaving Alma on the high chair, I'd eaten something on the way, because we were still on Reddington's jet and he doesn't take a "no" for an answer, so I sat next to Alma as she ate.

The phone of the house rang, I picked it up after a few rings because no one called landlines these days.

"Yes"

"Who is this?" I recognized Mags voice.

"This would be Donald Ressler"

"Oh, then this would be your wife" she answered with a chuckle "what are you doing at the house?"

"Just arrived, what are you doing calling the landline?"

"Carol doesn't pick up her phone while working, which I think it's great, but I wanted to let her know I'll take a little longer today, but if you're home then-"

"Yeah, I've got you covered, why do you need time?"

She let out a kind of annoyed sigh "my sister is going to some doctor for some operation and I'm going to take care of her during the post op"

"Something serious?"

"No" she said with a chuckle "not at all, you'll laugh when I tell you"

"Okay love. I'll make you something nice for dinner" I offered.

"Oh, can't wait" she said with a low voice "I'll see you tonight love"

"Love you" I saluted, then hung up.

Maggie.

"A breast augmentation?" Don asked confused, placing a plate of barbecue ribs in front of me, my mouth watered instantly, and even more when he set French fries in front of me.

"Oh my God I love you" I muttered, taking one and eating it quickly "yes, she wants-" I motioned at my breast.

"I mean, don't take me wrong, but your sister doesn't need bigger breasts"

"She's on a 2 for 1 deal, I wanted to check with you"

He looked at me with a twisted eyebrow, then gave me a sly smile.

"You're not against it!" I exclaimed.

"I'm not against it, but you definitely don't need it either" I laughed and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks for the confidence boost, but I would never get anything done. And my sister is going through some weird middle age crisis thing, even though she's not even 40."

"What's in it for me then?" He joked.

"Is it good?" I said looking at Alma going to town at the ribs. I grabbed a napkin and cleaned up her face. "She's going to surgery in two weeks."

"And the kids?"

"Ethan is going to take care of them for that week"

"Alright then" I looked at him, giving him a smile "I'll take care of the kiddo" he reached to me and rubbed my cheek.

"I love it when you cook for me" I said leaning into his hand.

"I'm trying" I took his hand and kissed his palm, then continued eating because his barbecue ribs were actually heaven.

"What about your whole Liz thing?" I asked, giving that he hadn't talked about it in a while.

"She's working on it, so far not getting us involved all that much" he replied shortly.

"Does that upset you?" He gave me a look over his glass as he took a sip, then twisted his lips.

"A little. She'll come around, Reddington will leave her no choice"

I gave an understanding nod, then leaned my hand to place it on top of his arm.

Sometimes I felt guilty for wishing that Don didn't get involved in Liz's things, I felt bad for wishing he wasn't the way he was, so helpful, so righteous, so overall good. Because when things went bad, they went terrible.

[deanie1987]

Mostly positive thoughts about Shameless 10x11 Location, Location, Location

This wasn’t my favorite episode of the season, but I really enjoyed it. As always, I wish we could have gotten a little bit more in the way of emotional scenes/real in depth dialogue, but clearly this is not the show for that anymore. But I’m going to be positive and there was a lot to like in this episode:

The general nonchalance and irritation with which both Ian and Mickey registered the fact that Terry was outside of the house screaming his head off. Then the fact that Mickey told him that he was irritating everyone LOL.

This episode was full of great line readings and one of my favorites was the way that Mickey said “I DEFINITELY love one.”

I thought Terry’s line “it does if it falls on a dick” was kind of funny. I’m not proud of myself.

I loved how Ian was trying to get Lip to talk about the move to Milwaukee and then trying to get Lip to talk to Tami about it as well. He mentioned it a couple of times and was trying to be supportive of the move. Either the self-help books he read in prison really helped or that boy has been in therapy and didn’t tell anyone about it.

Along those lines, I appreciated that Ian seemed a bit concerned about Lip and the move. He was clearly thinking about it and distractedly playing with his ring right after Lip left. It reminded me of when he was in prison and worried about Lip, Tami and the baby and the way he looked last week when Lip made his announcement. I don’t know if Cam does this on purpose, but it seems like he has different mannerisms or facial expressions for different characters. The way he smiles at Mickey or the softness of tone he uses for Mickey, for example, was different than the softness he used for Monica.

I loved seeing Mickey at home in the Gallagher kitchen and interacting with the various Gallaghers. It has been one of the things that I’ve wanted most this season and I’m trying hard (and pretty much failing) not to be bitter that it took until the second to the last episode of the season. The promo for next week and the thought of season 11 helps though.

Another great line reading with Ian’s “what is happening?” and literally every single facial expression that he had during all of the wedding vendor scenes. From the eye-rolls to the stunned expression to the warning glances to various shop clerks and finally trying to limp after Mickey on the way to the caterers and his increasingly exasperated YESes as Mickey barked out questions about the infamous chairs.

I liked Sandy in this episode. I liked her being on Mickey’s side and I like her offense at Ian’s seeming indifference and incompetence. She and Noel play off each other well. I loved the line readings of “I can see why you called me” and Mickey’s sincere “thank you.” My favorite thing, however, is the disdain that she and Ian seem to have for one another. When Mickey asked about Ian’s ring, the way that Ian kept glancing guiltily at Sandy as he answered made me laugh. He’s like, “not only do I have to deal with Mickey but now this judgmental bitch too.”  LMAO!

As much as the groomzilla stuff was played for laughs, I loved that Mickey took all of it extremely seriously. He has opinions about stuff, he’s clearly done his research and he wants the best for his big day. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if he has thought about his wedding day with Ian before. He knows what song he wants, he can envision how it looks and I love that he is focusing on the “atmospheric” stuff like candles, music, flowers, etc., rather than the more practical stuff like food and drinks. Mickey is an artist after all.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about Mickey as Groomzilla when we first saw the preview but I totally get it now, and as per usual, Noel played every between the lines note perfectly. Mickey seemed unbothered by Terry after their altercation but his increasing stress level and emotion was palpable. After everything it took to get himself and Ian to this point, obstacles keep getting thrown in his way and by the time they’re sitting at the Alibi he is overwhelmed and anxious. Noel conveyed both the humor of the situation (I cracked up everytime Mickey threw down his pen in annoyance and every time that he shot Ian an exasperated look). But he also conveyed the anguish that Mickey must have felt as he tried to do something meaningful and joyous and NORMAL. People in love plan wedding everyday, why can’t Mickey? Why does everything have to suck?

And I appreciate the patience that Ian had with him and the way that it slowly dawned on him that Mickey really did care about all of the wedding stuff AND that he was more affected by his dad than he was willing to admit. And I liked that he was willing to indulge Mickey on his plans but also gently remind him of why they were there. Because they’re Mickey and Ian.

I will admit that I am not a Bon Jovi fan and I often run my car off the road trying to turn the radio station should Living on a Prayer or Dead or Alive come on. I also don’t reeealllly believe that of all of the hair band power ballads that Mickey could choose from he would pick a Bon Jovi song. BUT I will admit that the lyrics do fit and the scene itself was sweet. The singer was terrible but that somehow made it better. As cute as Ian’s gesture was, I was still a little underwhelmed. Maybe it’s just that seeing Ian so much more expressive toward Mickey is still new to me and I notice it more, but I sort of felt that Noel underplayed this scene just like the proposal. Or at least the version that made it air. I wanted to feel more from this scene than I did. Is it just me? I think it might just be me. And it makes me a little nervous for next week because I really want tears and heartfelt vows and not misdirected emotion and 100% shenanigans.

As for everyone else, Liam was better this week. I’m so glad that the show remembered that he is only a ten year old kid, who misses his siblings and his father. I don’t know if the actors who played Debbie and Carl were better at that age or if it was the writing or a combination of both, but I still don’t feel for Liam the way that I felt for them for whatever reason and I wish I did.

I didn’t mind that Lip, Ian and Mickey let him ride the L to find Frank on his own because Debbie was running a daycare at that age, Ian was 4 years away from having sex with his boss and god knows the kind of stuff that Lip and Fiona were dealing with at that age. They shield him and encourage him where they can but he’s one of Frank Gallagher’s kids and in their view, he should be able to ride the L by himself to the nice side of Chicago without holding anybody’s hand. The fact that Lip told him to check in once he got there is probably more than any of the other kids got at that age.

Lip getting cold feet makes perfect sense to me as did all of the reasons he gave Tami. Lip doesn’t ever want to leave the Southside of Chicago. That has been hammered into our brains since season 1. He says he does and I think a part of him WANTS to want to leave, but he doesn’t really. He has always liked being a big fish in a little pond and he has always liked succeeding without having to make an effort. That’s who he is and his story with Tami could really be interesting, because for the first time, he has a real reason to try to work things out with a woman who is “forcing” him to better himself. And he has a reason beyond himself to want to do it. It is an organic and interesting dynamic and I hope it goes into season 11. I also see Tami’s side as well. I like her and I like her with Lip and I think that the actress is good enough to go toe to toe with JAW. All of this makes me very happy.

Frank’s screen time continues to be ridiculous. How many times did we need to see Frank walking nervously down the hallway looking for a ghost. I didn’t even hate his scenes this episode but there were soooo many of them in a time when that time could be spent elsewhere.

I’m glad Carl is trying to do good, but I don’t care. Debbie looks good in that tux, but again, I don’t care. Kev’s line reading of “do you even lift, bro” was funny. Vee looked incredible doing her plank on the keg. But...you guessed it...I don’t care.

The promo for next week looks INCREDIBLE. I have a tiny bit of hope that outside of Lip, the majority of the storyline will be the Gallaghers trying to white trash the shit out of this wedding and I hope that everyone will be involved. There is a lot of plot to move on that score and there are some things that I really, really want to see happen in the next episode (which I will probably post about later), so I’m trying to keep my expectations low.

[kotorswtor]

Saw Rise of Skywalker. Some scattershot, spoilery thoughts under the cut:

I kept thinking “It’s like they overfilled a jar with too many disparate things: characters, set pieces, plot threads, callbacks/fan service, and then shook it really hard.”  Like we know that the initial plan was for RoS to be Leia’s sendoff, and then Carrie died right after tLJ wrapped, and left the writers to piece her performance together from spare footage from the prior two movies. Honestly, this entire picture feels like it was haphazardly, desperately slammed together from leftover bits, with heavy-handed color grading and strobing lights to hide the seams. I wonder how it reads for the rare someone who doesn’t have that metaknowledge going in.

Re: Leia in particular, we know she’s gifted in the Force, but she’s never evinced any interest whatever in Jedi Stuff outside of SWEU/Legends foo up to this point. Having her oversee Rey’s training, being told that she quit Jediing because Mom Stuff, and having Rey be handed a lightsaber that we’re only now being told was hers feels a special kind of weird and squidgy.

When people proposed that Rey was any given legacy character’s grandkid, my thought was always ‘Maybe, but that would be very risky, because it flies directly in the face of Conservation of Narrative; they’d have to pull the rest of her lineage completely out of their ass.’ And, well, here we are. Rey is the grandchild of a character who was killed before I was and probably the majority of you were born, by way of a grandmother and parents we don’t know and have no reason to care about. Also now you have to imagine Sheev Palpatine reproducing naturally. Congratulations/condolences.

My Snoke Theory panned out. Ayyyyyyyyy.

Gotta hand it to him, as much as I hate the circumstances around him being here, Ian McDiarmid is very good at what he does. I was elbowing my 40K fan husband and giggling because Palpatine is now looking like a galactic emperor from an entirely other IP.

The multiple Character Sacrifice Fakeouts (Chewie, Zorii, Threepio, Kylo *twice*, Rey) were annoying and totally deadened the impact of the deaths that did occur.

All I really wanted out of this trilogy was for them to actually develop and pay off the friendship between Rey, Finn, and Poe...aaaand they totally declined to do that.

Things I liked:

Rey healing the eel monster (I know this mainly existed to set up a mechanic that would be used a couple of other times in the story but it hit me weirdly hard; I cried.)

Alien Holi

Wedge Antilles is here, y’all!

The implication that Finn is also Force-sensitive

Socially Clueless Prat Threepio

Hux being 100% That Bitch

[thelittlestcheshire]

+ Hey Mom!

Dear Maman;

I don’t know why I keep writing you, perhaps it’s because in some ways - I feel like you’re the only one who’d understand everything; even if you’re not here to listen. Grand-maman keeps telling me just how similar you were at my age, for years I thought she was just confusing me with Effie, or Ella. A few lost marbles in her old age, but over Christmas, she actually gave me your journals. I suppose this isn’t the way you would have wanted me to learn about you, but they help.  It gives me hope that, maybe, if you were still alive today, you’d actually be able to talk me through all of this. I suppose we Andrieux women are forged in fire, perhaps like that quote about the stars. Withering, dying, beautiful, brilliant. From all the stories, I can’t imagine arrière grand-mère’s tale is much different the rest of ours, I suppose I wish I knew her better when I was still able to.

I wish I could write to you to tell you about how wonderful things are going here, how the clouds have cleared and we’ve finally reached the end of the tunnel but I’m afraid that’s not quite the case yet. I keep having the nightmares, every night I wake up screaming. Reaching for you, trying to stop it - feeling almost as if your blood is back on my hands and I’ll never quite be able to clean it off of my skin. I feel like they’re actually getting worse, I’m sorry maman. I keep hearing you’d want me to move on, but I can’t. I let you down, I’ve probably let you down so many times over the years it’s not funny. With him, for following down the path you went down you’d never want me to follow down. I’m sorry I still can’t shake the feeling that it should have been me, that you should still be here.  

Sometimes it feels like I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing; like I’m being torn in different directions all the time, and I thought coming back to school would make things easier but it’s even worse. All I want is to go home, but I don’t even know which home anymore. Manhattan, Paris, Luxor? Nothing feels right. I still feel like that poor little lambie, maman. “Birds and the butterflies, pecking out its eyes” and all. Sometimes, I think the sensation is getting worse. Perhaps it’s thanks to everything going on here with the circle.

I’ve been drinking again, Emmett has been too. Sometimes, after the nightmares, I still call him and he talks me down like when we were children. I don’t tell him about the circle, about what’s going on here, I can’t bring myself to hear the concern I’m certain you’re feeling as you watch from above. You’d be so disappointed in me, drinking, sleeping around, trying so desperately to keep father happy and failing every step of the way. I haven’t been going to Mass, I haven’t gone to confessional, I’ve been letting you down every step of the way. And yet, when I read your journals, I feel closer to you than ever before. You made so many mistakes, and yet, you became the best mother a girl could have ever asked for - we were so lucky you were ours, I just wish you never had to go.

I wish I could go back in time and change it, I wish I knew who pulled the trigger, I wish I could tell him how much I hope he burns for everything he did to you and our family. If we have answers, nobody will tell me, maybe it’s for my sake, maybe it’s for his, maybe it’s even for yours. You weren’t the type to wish ill on others, grand-papa says that’s the one trait I got from my father. I just hope you understand why I feel the way I do, that you don’t hate me for the anger, for the guilt, for the throbbing pain I feel sometimes when someone says your name.

I’m back in therapy again, I think you’d be happy about that - he’s pushing me, but it’s helping. I still refuse to do the homework he gives me, there’s no way I’m bringing mental health packets anywhere near these people, they’d eat me alive, but I think he’s starting to understand why a bit? Not that I’m telling him the truth either about the Circle shit, I told him something about a bitchy cheerleader named Barbara who likes to torture people and while I don’t think he’s completely buying it, he’s not pushing. Sorry for the language, I’m trying not to swear in this, I promise I remember how much you hated hearing those words.

In some better news, Logan’s doing better! At least, that’s what he keeps telling us. I’m scared, he lied the last time things were getting bad, and I’m not there to keep an eye on him. I’m not there to intervene and take care of him if he needs me to, I’m here. I keep reminding myself Jonah is right there, that the better twin has him and it’s going to be okay. That none of us are ever going to let him down again because we can’t afford to lose him, but I’m scared. I’m always scared lately, I really wish I was able to cut out my heart at this point. All of these emotions would go away, it’d no longer matter how much I think about everything going on as I stare at my ceiling late a night because it’d no longer hurt. I wish I could, but I can’t. Human biology hasn’t gotten there quite yet, I’m afraid. Let’s add that to the list of things I’d like to happen, probably after bionics - Mass Effect style.

Impossible wishes, but maybe you’d get a chuckle from them.

Jamie and I still can’t see eye to eye, it’s the same old argument. He slept with my boyfriend, he refuses to apologize, and he’s massive jerk every time I see him and I react. I think he knows it upsets father when I react, so he’s doing it to keep his spot as the favorite without competition. as if I’d want that spot. I’d just love it if father would actually show up next year for Christmas so I don’t have to give his presents to the secretary to deliver to his office, but that’s about it at this point. I’m sure things would be different if you were still here, I really miss you. I can’t believe it’s almost been ten years.

Otherwise, I know I mentioned Emmett is still my emotional support human, but did you see he’s going to propose to Camellia. Jamie’s throwing a fit, screaming everyone’s too young, but I know Cam - it’s going to be a long engagement anyway. I’m happy for them, I wish you had been able to meet her. You’d love her, she might be a model but I swear I’ve never seen anyone light up at the words “poisonous spider” the way she does. She’s so down to earth, I’m looking forward to meeting her father the next time he’s in the states. I’ve heard so much about the famous wildlife photographer, Pascal Lima, but meeting him? That’s going to be amazing. Jonah is doing well, he has a new girlfriend, he’s still photographing all the dogs he gets to pet and turning it into a scrapbook - I wish I was more like him sometimes. So full of life, so happy to be alive. I miss him a lot this time, but I suppose it’s okay. I have my own electric bright spot keeping my on my toes here.

I’ve written to you about Elliot before though, so I suppose in this exercise, you already know exactly who I’m on about. I wish you could meet him, Lucy, Ian, Adrian, Callie, and Sora, they’re some of the best friends a girl can have - you know? I’m used to this feeling, but sometimes, I wish I could actually have confirmation for this gut feeling - that you’d like my friends, that you’d be happy I found people who make me feel good about myself regardless of all the fucked up things that have happened. That leave me feeling like, that maybe, someday, if I put enough hard work in, maybe I could actually matter and be more than just a person who existed. Like I could actually go after my dreams and make it, if I wanted to. Anyway, let me cover the rest of what I want to discuss and wrap this up. I’m sure heaven has better things to do than reading a letter your daughter wrote.

I don’t know how guardian angels work if it’s actually a thing and what-not, but if it is - I need you to do me a massive favor. Please send someone to keep an eye on Effie and Ella. I’m really worried about them, they look up to me so much, and the last thing I want is for them to become fucked up like me. To become so disappointing their own father can’t even look at them without being reminded, that one, that one destroyed my family. I’ve noticed Effie counting calories, I’ve heard the puking she’s tried to hide in the bathroom. Logan and I are trying to nudge her towards help gently, I don’t know what will set her off, but I can’t watch another sibling go down the path of destruction and yet, I don’t know if my attempts to help will make things worse or keep her safe. And Ella, she’s already asking to go to the MAC counter, for leather pants and crop tops. She’s so young, I can still remember braiding her hair and watching Sesame Street during breakfast with her. She’s growing up so fast and I want to pull her back, hand her a doll, and say “no, you need to enjoy this before it’s too late; before you spend your nights worrying about children at home and ‘that test was an A-, how could you let everyone down with an A-, you’re a worthless, disgusting person for being less than perfect.’”

Before you turn out like your big sister.

Maman, did you feel this way with Tatie Adeline? Were you this scared, looking at your decisions and praying that she wouldn’t make your mistakes, that she’d be better? I feel like I failed the girls, that I failed you, and I don’t know how to fix any of this. I’m trying my best, but maman, please, if it’s possible, help me keep her from making my mistakes. From feeling like alcohol is the only thing that’ll keep her together once everything feels like it’s about to shatter on the floor around her, from getting testing for STDs at least once a month because she thinks flings are better than heartbreak, from believing - even for a second, she’s not worth more than every single star in the sky or that I don’t love her and Effie with every fiber of my being. Help me do a better job of filling your shoes so I do better by them than I did for myself.

I’m sorry I’m writing about my problems again, I promise it’s not all bad here though. Remember what I said about my friends? Lucy and I might vacation this summer if things go to plan, I think I’m going to try to drag Sora to a few baseball games this year, and Elliot genuinely makes me feel like music - it’s strange to think about sometimes. I’d say don’t ask, but, it’s not like you could if you wanted to. My boys are a pretty good pick me up, Ian and Adrian - of course, even with everything going on in all our lives. I’m okay, really - I’m doing better, it’s really great here. So please don’t do that thing with your nose, if that’s something you’re able to do up there. Can’t say I really know for sure what the deal is, but I hope you’re okay.

I love you, maman. I’ll write to you again soon.

Love always,

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: hey Janis: I hope you're alright, like Janis: I am and Janis: yeah Jimmy: 👍 Janis: sorry about that Janis: just Janis: family shit Jimmy: Alright Janis: it's not Jimmy: if any dickhead gets that, it's me Janis: yeah Janis: but Janis: I said I'd try Jimmy: we've both said shit Janis: I meant it though Jimmy: that'll be why you're here now then Janis: trying don't mean I'll always get it right Janis: and will you let me in when I am or Jimmy: you know where the spare 🔑 is Jimmy: and I meant when I said I weren't kicking you out Janis: would it help if I explain or don't it matter Jimmy: would it? Janis: I don't know Janis: maybe Janis: so you know it weren't nothing to do with you or Jimmy: would it help you? Janis: I care about you Jimmy: I care about you Jimmy: stalemate that Janis: It's hard Janis: but this is probably easier than in person Janis: for you too, it's Jimmy: I'll put the kettle on then Janis: you'll wanna Janis: just careful you don't scald yourself with any spittakes Jimmy: I'm not at work and Ian's not gonna comp me Jimmy: 💔🎻😭💸 Janis: no flat whites for him Janis: really like this story and all so jokes on you, sir Jimmy: all black everything for him Jimmy: that's the dress code when you're mourning not being 24 still or at whatever point his #heyday began and ended Janis: definitely several jokes to be made there but I'm not really black enough and you look good so Jimmy: there's been enough #bants Jimmy: it's obvs a mancave for lads lads lads the second you leave Janis: gutted, truly Jimmy: #relatable Janis: ugh Janis: right Janis: what have you heard about my sister, Rio Jimmy: she's fit Janis: is that it? Jimmy: yeah why? Jimmy: like I've heard she's a porn star but I didn't feel the need to do a search Janis: just so I know where to start Janis: so that's her, right Janis: but on top of that she Janis: it'll sound like a joke but it ain't so go with it Janis: married our cousin when she was like 18 Jimmy: hang on, your cousin or your mum's friend's kid who you call your auntie but ain't owt to do with you actually Janis: actual cousin Janis: as in they have the same fucking grandparents Jimmy: how did that come about? Janis: good question Janis: this family is fucked Janis: it's not like they didn't know each other growing up or anything, like they didn't know each other from any fucker Janis: it's Jimmy: I get that, the fucked families bit Janis: yeah Janis: well, that was 5 years ago and they did it basically in secret 'cos yeah, they would've been stopped Janis: hopefully Janis: but now they're deciding they need to renew it and force us all to come Janis: and grace just dropped that in a DM like that was something I knew or would be chill with Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: all round Janis: you're telling me Janis: she didn't know I didn't know apparently but still Janis: it's just so Jimmy: you're not gonna go and play happy families Jimmy: why would you Janis: exactly Janis: but they all will Janis: they always do Janis: they've got kids and that's a whole other tale too Jimmy: together? Janis: one, she has one that ain't his too Janis: surprisingly normal looking Jimmy: is it? Janis: [sends Grace's insta] Janis: boys theirs Jimmy: he don't look like a 🐙 or owt Jimmy: your sister must be fit Jimmy: rumour mill got one 🏆 Janis: they're both obsessed with themselves Janis: still think we could've diluted the DNA tbh Jimmy: 😂 Janis: alright, you can laugh Jimmy: sorry Janis: would if it weren't my family Janis: try to anyway Jimmy: she cheated on him and they're still doing another 💍👰? Janis: that's the other story Janis: she was meant to surrogate for my brother Junior Janis: who you'll have heard fuck all about 'cos he keeps to himself and everyone forgets he exists Janis: but then she didn't wanna give it up and it was stupid anyway 'cos he was fresh into uni and dating a lecturer like that situation needs a child Janis: and her life's such a roaring success she should be giving a hand Jimmy: what? Janis: I'll give you a sec Janis: it's literally the most blatant and stupid way she's wrecked a life, like Jimmy: 💔 Mia ain't told me 'cause I thought we had something 💕 Jimmy: but it's alright, I'll live Janis: who knows what Grace told her Janis: that one might actually be family only 'cos as I said, no one gives a fuck about him Janis: he stays well away now, sensible Jimmy: fucking hell, mate Janis: just the local freakshow Janis: it's neverending, the amount of shit there is like that Jimmy: I'll keep it 🤐 about Ian from now on like Jimmy: you can have 🥇 Janis: nah Janis: not a competition Jimmy: is a bit Jimmy: just 🤏 though Janis: well I don't want him feeling left out Janis: still a 🏆 for being an outright twat Jimmy: he ain't 💀💀💀 yet Jimmy: still time to #flex Janis: him and shaz can make it down the aisle 'fore them Jimmy: she ain't been back 🎻🎻 Jimmy: can't keep a mum me Janis: letdown Janis: really wanna be a bridesmaid but can't on principle Jimmy: no 😭😭😭 in my kitchen Jimmy: we're all 💔 Janis: stay strong, boy Jimmy: alright fine I'll bring my proposal forward so we can get 💍 before them Jimmy: stop begging Janis: it'd be worth pissing off the pope to piss them off harder Jimmy: 💕 taking that as a yeah Janis: go on then Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: brb stealing my dad's 💳 to buy a 💎 Janis: 😂 Jimmy: gold or silver? Janis: it's called white gold, so silver but make it expensive #weirdflex Jimmy: #goalsforever Janis: put that in the vows Jimmy: obvs Jimmy: I'm writing them rn Janis: Thanks Janis: for making me feel better Janis: 🤏 Jimmy: if I can't do that then you'd have nowt to come back for Jimmy: have to hang up my boyfriend 😎 Jimmy: put on my 💔 ones Janis: I wasn't leaving you Jimmy: for now Janis: I won't Jimmy: don't promise owt to me, you've been warned, girl Janis: it's a threat Jimmy: hot Jimmy: alright then Janis: I mean it Jimmy: you don't scare me Jimmy: 😘 me or 💀💀💀 me ain't that the phrase Janis: you can't die right now Jimmy: might do Jimmy: you're really beautiful Janis: you don't know Janis: I'm a state Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: that's fake news Janis: shh Jimmy: Alright Grace, put your sister back on Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: it's a good thing you can't see her too tbf Janis: not practical having to hide from you for life when you marry in Jimmy: wait, you're with her? Jimmy: I'll hide the body but bit of warning, babe Janis: ha Janis: yeah Janis: IOU on the rescue she wanted to cash Jimmy: if Mia's there an' all & you don't say hey from me I'll be fuming Janis: she's definitely not Jimmy: have you checked the boot? 👀🍿🔪 Jimmy: folds up like paper, her Janis: wouldn't pit it past her Janis: I'll dry my eyes and get on it Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: tell Grace she ain't having a tea unless she's 💰💰 Janis: She's taking my spare bed at nans Janis: musical faves atm Jimmy: I won't go throw shit at her window tonight then Jimmy: tah for the head's up Jimmy: soon my dear 💕👵 Janis: subtle Janis: find somewhere else to kip, it's alright, like Jimmy: no Janis: 💕 Jimmy: I mean it, don't Janis: okay Janis: if you'll have me Jimmy: I want you Janis: I love you Jimmy: do you? Janis: I said it like Jimmy: yeah but Janis: you can pretend I didn't Jimmy: we don't do that it's like the only rule Janis: if you need a free pass then take it Jimmy: I'm not saying I do Jimmy: just Jimmy: It's nowt I ain't heard before and Jimmy: for what? Janis: what do you mean? Jimmy: she said it and she still went Jimmy: my mum Janis: it's okay, it doesn't have to mean anything Janis: I already didn't promise you, yeah Jimmy: it's not Janis: no Janis: it's not Janis: but Janis: I don't know Jimmy: why couldn't she just Jimmy: why did he have to be so Jimmy: fuck's sake Janis: it's bullshit Janis: and it's unfair Jimmy: you know that I Jimmy: so important you Jimmy: Alright? Janis: I know Janis: it's all good Janis: isn't it Jimmy: Yeah Janis: I'm sorry everythings shit Jimmy: not everything is Jimmy: you're Jimmy: 🥇 Janis: I like you too Janis: you're about all I do like Janis: no pressure Jimmy: is that what you wanted it to mean? Jimmy: when you said Janis: I meant Janis: that I give a shit about you and I think you're funny and nice and fit and I wanna be around you Janis: and I don't wanna fuck you over Jimmy: then I love you too Janis: yeah? Jimmy: I said what I said Janis: allright Janis: I'll come in then Jimmy: were you waiting for me to say it before you got off the doorstep or what? Janis: not exactly Jimmy: [is at the door like oh hey] Janis: [the most dramatic hug flinging yourself at him like it's been 84 years 'cos lowkey] Jimmy: [we're never letting go bitch thank god its april and not the dead of winter] Janis: [you need all the moments so deal] Jimmy: [has he ever held onto anyone this tightly, no he has not] Janis: [the casual state she is godbless] Jimmy: [when you still look more beautiful than anyone ever probably] Janis: [rude] Jimmy: [this is why Grace hates you girl but pop off] Janis: [when you say it out loud but really quiet] Jimmy: [just really snuggling into her like we're not all dying okay bye] Janis: [just saying how she's gonna stay and how scary it was and not making a whole load of sense 'cos didn't even get to that bit honey] Jimmy: [all the comforting touches ever because now isn't the moment to be like um what but we'll get to it] Janis: [too much to try and be reasonable and logical rn 'is everyone asleep?'] Jimmy: [nodding because you can't trust yourself to speak rn because if you start what are you even gonna say like] Janis: [just like yes good 'cos we don't need to be starting any more scenes do we 'this was not how I planned any of this going'] Jimmy: [especially not with Ian cos at least cali wouldn't give you a slap 'bit shit at plans, us'] Janis: [nods and does a little lol like 'understatement'] Jimmy: [just sitting on the step so you can 🚬 cos so needed but pulling her into your lap cos you don't wanna let go still] Janis: [could be worse, could be meth] Jimmy: [true facts] Janis: [now everyone calm] Jimmy: [take all the moments you can to be soft] Janis: [just got no business being this close and smoking but at least you both are so it's fine] Jimmy: [I'd die literally] Janis: [my poor boo can't speak 'cos she can't breathe] Jimmy: [don't like set anything on fire either tbh] Janis: [lmao not a mood] Jimmy: [that'd be next level drama] Janis: [winnie drama] Jimmy: [that silly old bear] Janis: ['is my tea going cold?'] Jimmy: [lols because he's obvs not made it yet because #distracted we've all been there boy just put the kettle on and get no further like] Jimmy: [but puts his hand out like help me up so they can go inside] Janis: [does but pulls him towards her first and is just looking like !!?! all the emotions] Jimmy: [says 'what' in the softest way literally ever] Janis: [just gonna kiss him but so soft 'cos you're unsure but also don't know where to begin with anything] Jimmy: [all the soft kisses and comfort ever because he's never seen her like this before so he's like must not say or do the wrong thing] Janis: [have a brew lads] Jimmy: [fixes everything so actually go and make it boy give her chance to work out how she's gonna do this like] Janis: [makes me lol but also sad like there's so much you gotta explain before you can get to the now] Jimmy: [literally like no wonder Grace don't wanna see a therapist how exhausting] Janis: when did your mum go Jimmy: does it matter? Jimmy: she's not gonna show up here tonight Jimmy: you're alright Janis: obviously Janis: just thinking Jimmy: what? Jimmy: we've got enough milk to see us through if that's what she went for Janis: doesn't matter Jimmy: go on Janis: if it was about the same time Janis: as my sister Janis: Bobby is 6, yeah Jimmy: She didn't leave him in the hospital or owt like that Jimmy: let him get to nursery age, like Janis: that's something Jimmy: might've been better Jimmy: wouldn't remember her then Janis: does he Janis: remember, like Jimmy: a bit Janis: yeah Janis: Grace said he asked if she had a mum Janis: at the fair Jimmy: he's always doing that Jimmy: tries to go home with kids if he likes the look of theirs an' all Janis: fair Jimmy: 💔 I can't get away with it, me Janis: you probably could Janis: some of them have very unsatisfying marriages, babe Jimmy: just trying to get a tea I don't have to cook myself, babe Jimmy: but tah Janis: don't get nothing in this life for free Janis: soz Jimmy: alright, rich girl Janis: shut up Jimmy: 🤐 Janis: you're taking forever Janis: am I getting a biscuit too, like Jimmy: ruin the surprise Janis: I can pretend Jimmy: you're not that good of an actress Janis: rude Jimmy: only if that's your back up career Jimmy: and you'd have to get well fed up of the modelling first Jimmy: unlikely love the 📷 you Janis: now I'm an attention seeker Janis: charming Janis: and the 📷 loves me, tah Jimmy: nah just a 🥇 muse Jimmy: so supportive of my talents you Janis: you are good Janis: no lie Jimmy: [brings in the tea and a mug cake he has made for her to be comforting cos cute nerd] Janis: [what a sweet boy] Jimmy: [when that's about the extent of your cooking ability bless him] Janis: ['you're so-' does 🙏 hands to show 😇] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [she sits she sips] Jimmy: [likewise just drinking that tea] Janis: [just shrugging 'cos gotta be blase like this is so casual and matter of fact okay 'my sister did run away, like, but then she had a car crash so, dead now'] Jimmy: [just looking at her like ???!! cos what can you even say 'shit, sorry' so awks] Janis: ['was four years ago so it's whatever'] Jimmy: ['did she leave 'cause of all that bollocks with your sister and cousin?'] Janis: ['partially but Janis: 'partially but-' sighs 'she was fucked up because she weren't my dads, third kid in and white, not an easy time'] Jimmy: [just looking at her cos even if you have heard that rumour you'd have thought it was too ridiculous to be true] Janis: [nods like yeah, I know] Jimmy: ['I get why you don't wanna be here, it were like that for us before we moved an' all' a shrug too because obvs also so casual for you] Janis: ['people must've had a field day' sympathetic look 'probably why I said yeah, to the plan, why I give a shit what people say still' shakes her head 'stupid but'] Jimmy: [when you're just having a moment remembering what it was like and you have to shake yourself out of it cos not about you rn 'people are twats, no dickhead but Ian's loving that kind of attention' gives her a look like you're not stupid] Janis: [giving him a nudge like sorry but not wanting to say it 'cos what use is it] Jimmy: [giving her one back as a shameless excuse to then just lean into her shoulder with his for an age like it's not a hug it's so casual bye] Janis: [leaning into it too, which is good 'cos voice is strained now 'cos emotions 'but she thought it was fucked up too, what they're doing, what they all do, she got it, you know'] Jimmy: [nodding cos he agrees that it is fucked up and is also having many emotions but eye contact anyway because wants her to know he gets it and is not going anywhere even though he doesn't know what to do or say about any of this really] Janis: [maintaining even though you'd be trying really hard not to cry for a hot sec there before being so meh it's chill again 'cos easier lbr 'know this is a lot but otherwise you'll just think I'm even weirder, yeah'] Jimmy: [touching her hair for literally no reason like is it even in the way, probably not 'everyone's got something that makes them weird, but you're alright an' all, got loads more shit going for you that counts towards that'] Janis: ['I don't wanna mess this up' and then going in on a kiss 'cos that'll fix this] Jimmy: [letting it happen even though you probably shouldn't because you just wanna make her feel better and also don't want her to think you think she's weird/you don't want her anymore when you obvs love her] Janis: [will stop at a kiss 'cos it'd be clear he weren't into it like per and we don't need that to be a thing for either of you] Jimmy: ['I ain't gonna let you mess this up if you don't let me either' holds his hand out like shake on it with me cos nerd] Janis: [is like 😏 really? but does] Jimmy: [then draws a heart on her with his fingertip like he did at Cali's but on her palm this time after the handshake] Janis: ['you really are the biggest nerd though' but 😍] Jimmy: ['piss off' but a little genuine smile] Janis: ['still like you anyway'] Jimmy: [😏 a look like yeah? and a IRL 👍 because committed to being a nerd now] Janis: ['don't push it, mate'] Jimmy: [playfully pushes her but really soft] Janis: [playfight forever] Jimmy: [just 😍 the whole time like] Janis: ['you really are so'] Jimmy: ['I like you so much'] Janis: [nods 'cos words are risky] Jimmy: ['I- I love you so much'] Janis: ['I love you too, Jimmy'] Jimmy: [gotta just hide your face in a snuggle because dying]

[cheap-pack-of-cigarettes]

Memories of the Alhambra

so here’s my thoughts on this show lol

*spoilers*

Ok so overall it’s a full 10/10 it’s fucking insane. Usually i’m not someone that’s into sci-fi (?) movies or shows, even though when I actually watch them, I really like them so I should probably stop doing that

The Plot:

I love this plot bc even if it’s fake in some aspects, I can totally see this game/the contact lenses being a thing in the near future. I love Hyunbin’s character, Jinwoo so fucking much wow. This poor dude is given nothing but shitty, difficult situations but he still deals with them and overcomes them no matter what. Why? bc Jinwoo ain’t no bitch!! Yeah it’s hard to level up, yeah everyone think’s he’s going crazy and he knows that, yeah he see’s Hyungseok every single day of this life, yeah he slowly gets addicted to drugs and alcohol, yeah he’s trying his hardest to find Sejoo, yeah he hurt his leg and has to use a cane to walk now; but he’s doing it. Through all the shit piled up on his shoulders, he’s still pushing through. He refuses to give up, not because he can’t, but because he knows he won’t be able to live with himself if he doesn’t finish what he started. Also I know a lot of people weren’t happy with Heejoo as a character because she cried a lot but honestly the way I see it is, even though Heejoo & Jinwoo start to develop some kind of relationship, she is still living her life and he’s living his. Heejoo is still taking care of her family and running the guitar workshop, Jinwoo is still dealing with trying to find Sejoo in the game and all the personal shit he has going on. They’re both still their own people. She cries because she’s worried. Worried about her brother that’s been MIA for a year, worried for her family, and worried for Jinwoo because she’s just trying to understand what he’s been dealing with every day of his life. And people were upset her character never went into the game and became this badass, beat-everyone-up-girl, well that’s because even when she found out about the game and what the lenses do, that wasn’t her. She isn’t a gamer, she isn’t someone who’s gonna go head first into this game and try and find her brother. Jinwoo is the perfect example, it took him a year to get where he was and at that point he still wasn’t very close to finding Sejoo, so what did you really think Heejoo joining the game would do?

Jinwoo & Heejoo’s relationship:

No lie I love their relationship. I’m totally someone that loves romance and to see the two leads fall in love, and be cute and clingy but with them, their slowly progressing relationship felt the most real. Ever since their first meeting you can see that when they meet again and again, they slowly start to care for each other more and more. And at first it can be seen as a friendly thing, but I think the moment that all changes is when Jinwoo leaves Granada on Heejoo’s birthday. He runs away because he’s scared then he see’s her running after his train, crying, and he knows at that moment that he feels something for her because she’s the first woman to every cry for him because he wasn’t there. And Heejoo as well, she didn’t have to leave her birthday party to run after him, but she did because she hated the thought of her not saying goodbye to Jinwoo. I loved that their relationship wasn’t rushed especially with the kisses. In all of the 16 episodes, they kiss twice, and for me that was all I needed as a viewer because in those two moments you can see how much they really care about one another. I actually really liked that their ‘romance’ wasn’t the main plot point of this series even though that was one of the reasons I initially watched it. I liked how they never really said that they were together or not and I think that was very relatable. Cause watching it you can clearly see that they slowly start to mean something to each other but it’s also never quite the right time for them to be like “ok what are we seriously” even when Jinwoo & Heejoo have that conversation about “are you my girlfriend or what? I don’t remember proposing to you by any chance?,, // i can be your girlfriend what’s so hard about it?” it’s kinda taken lightly and not as ‘we’re a thing now’. Also the age gap didn’t bother me at all, they looked at each other like you look at anyone you have love for so I thought they were really cute together.

The Ending:

Ok, i’ll admit that I wanted nothing more than for Jinwoo to get the happy ending he deserved but also, did you watch the show? Nothing good in all the 16 episodes has happened to Jinwoo (besides Heejoo) so why would the ending be different? I think that would’ve thrown the show off more tbh. I mean think about it, he’s literally dealing with so much shit through the whole series but that’s magically supposed to change? Even if the ending was different, the game is still programmed into his brain isn’t it? The cops are still looking for him aren’t they? In no way was he gonna get the storybook happy ending even if that’s what he deserved. Honestly it reminded me a bit of Shameless when Mickey escapes jail & is on the run, i’m just glad Heejoo wasn’t the Ian character & gave Jinwoo false hope only to be shattered (can you tell i’m still not over Ian doing that to Mickey lol). Anyways let’s start with Jinwoo not ringing the doorbell & letting Heejoo know he’s safe. To be honest, I understand why he did it. Jinwoo clearly loves cares for Heejoo and he wants to see her and let her know he’s safe but also, he doesn’t want to rope her into all his shit. Even if he rings the bell he knows the cops are still after him so why should he drag Heejoo through that? and her family through that? For Jinwoo, it’s better that she doesn’t know what happens to him and just leave bc she’s already knows what its like to lose him. He doesn’t want to hurt her but he knows this is the best way to deal with the situation. And Ik this might be a shitty excuse but he told Heejoo twice not to put her trust in him and that she might end up hating him one day. Now, with Jinwoo being stuck (?) in the dungeon, it makes sense and it doesn’t. Why would he willingly want to trap himself in the game if he knows how difficult it was to get Sejoo out? but on another hand why wouldn’t he? Maybe he thinks that after everything he’s done in the game, and everything going on in real life, he deserves to be in there or wants to be in there. Maybe for him it’s the only way he wants to keep living or to wait for someone to get him out. I hate that Junghoon had to get killed as a bug and clearly It was really hard for Jinwoo to do it but also I think Jinwoo knows that Junghoon shouldn’t be stuck in the game as his ‘saving grace’ and that he should be put the rest the right way.The Yura wedding scene was so unnecessary and I really don’t know why it was even in the final cut like?? Idk maybe there will be a season 2 that answers all the questions and maybe there won’t. Either way I really enjoyed this show, I was hooked straight from ep1 and overall I’m glad I watched it.

[collecting-stories]

Peace - pt. 04 - Rafe Cameron

Summary: The moments leading up to your wedding to Rafe.

A/N: I’m so sad to see this series end honestly, I’ve so loved writing this version of Rafe. Could probably write him like this forever😂 (I should note that I truly hate the Reagan’s but I do admire the love they had for each other and that’s why I reference them.)

One Thing Right Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

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Rafe’s first apartment in Boston was a little generic. It was sleek though, modern, like someone had plucked it right out of a magazine and stuck it, piece for piece, into his living space. And it stayed that way for almost three years and then you left your coat hanging in the hall closet. It was banana yellow and looked like it belonged in a Paddington Bear book. But it was just one jacket and when he closed the closet door no one could tell the difference.  

But then a toothbrush popped up, green against his color coordinated grays. A pair of sneakers you wore to the gym sat in his bedroom, a pastel rainbow of colors highlighting the white of everything else. They were small though, little minute changes that he could hide away until slowly, maybe without him even realizing it, you were all over the apartment. A dog bed for Fivel, throw blankets that you somehow smuggled into his place and never took home, by New Years his apartment looked more lived in than it had in three years prior.  

It wasn’t just your things that made their way into Rafe’s apartment though. It was you. Somewhere between a one-night stand in college, a first date, and your second New Years eve together, you had made room for yourself in Rafe’s life. The somewhat generic party boy that had coasted through every other aspect of his life, relationships included, was suddenly thinking more than a week in advance.  

He was thinking about houses, about where you could live together. A place that was yours and his, that was a space you both chose, you both decorated, you both lived in together. He thought about actual schedules, yours and his, but he thought far in advance to. What it would be like to come home from work at night and spend time with you. Watching dumb TV shows and eating take out and trying to cook and buying groceries together. It was all on his mind, all the time.  

He’d taken up showing you houses now, brownstones in Beacon Hill that had enough bedrooms for kids, “I liked the one with the garden.” You said, passing Rafe his phone back.  

That was new, at least in the last year that you were together. Topper had been the first one to say something about it when he’d been up to visit for Rafe’s 27th birthday. Sitting there on the couch watching the game, talking about what bars they were going to hit up.

“I can check...” Rafe patted his pocket for his phone, “babe, do you have my phone?”

“Oh yeah, sorry. Mine died and I plugged it in the bathroom.” You had walked into the room like it was nothing and handed over Rafe’s phone and Topper just sat there in mild shock. There hadn’t been a time in their friendship that Topper could pinpoint Rafe ever letting anyone use his phone. Just looking at the lock screen ran the risk of incrimination.  

“He lets you use his phone?”

“As long as I don’t look at the messages his other girlfriends send him.” You joked, your sentence dissolving into laughter when Rafe tripped you and pulled you down into his lap.  

“I don’t want to sound like a broken record here but...you’re just totally different man.” Topper confessed later once the two of them went out bar hopping. A school day the next morning demanded that you stay in but you waved them off and told them to have fun. Topper had been friends with Rafe since high school and he had seen all the bad sides of him. The excessive drinking, the recreational drug use, “I’ve never even known you to be monogamous.”  

Rafe shrugged. It was probably true but there in the bar, where any other time, regardless of a girlfriend, he would’ve been more than happy to get some attention, he was just drinking, texting you sporadically. “I don’t know. I gave her a key to my place over Christmas.” He admitted, “I think I'm losing my mind.”

“That might not be a bad thing.”

“It definitely isn’t.”

Two months later, in March, when Rafe suggested, for the first time, that you should live together you had assumed he meant in one of your apartments. Yours was smaller than his so you figured it would be ruled out immediately. But you didn’t necessarily love his apartment building and the co-op that owned it could be a little strict for your taste. But Rafe didn’t mention either apartment. Or anything more on the matter until April when he asked what you thought about a brownstone while you were walking Fivel.  

“Kind of big for two people and a dog.” You joked, slowing down in front of one of the brownstones in Beacon Hill. They were beautiful, the epitome of Boston life, a dream you’d definitely let yourself have before.  

“What if we’re not two people and a dog forever?”  

Rafe had a way of asking questions that sent your head spinning with all the giddy hope and optimism you thought you’d packed away when you decided that traditional life and milestones weren’t for you. When you knew for sure that people who got married for 30, 40, 50 years were just flukes, it wasn’t something to aspire to because it was never going to happen to you. The cynicism had been easy for a long time but then, whenever you were with Rafe, you felt like it was melting away.  

He told you to look at brownstones, see if there were any for sale that the two of you thought could fit into your life. You looked on the cheaper side of things while Rafe was more realistic about his finances. And yours, you had told him around the same time as Ian’s wedding that your grandparents had set up a substantial trust for you that deposited to your account monthly. Enough that working was just because you wanted to.  

It was no surprise that it was Rafe who found a house. A beautiful brownstone right in Beacon Hill with a garden entry, nestled back from the street, between two other homes,  the courtyard in the front. It was gutted inside, closer to your proposed budget but it would require enough of an overhaul that you and Rafe would be putting a decent amount into renovations.  

“You said you liked the one with the garden.” And somehow it became the second real argument you had. Silly, because you both loved the place. But you seemed willing to resist, to hold out even though he knew you wanted it.  

You had sent pictures to your mom, saved images on Pinterest boards of all the house inspiration you could find, had bookmarked different tiles and wallpapers and furniture stores. And yet every time he mentioned it you said you weren’t sure.  

“We’re supposed to sign today to buy it.” Rafe complained as you stalled. He was pulling his coat on and his scarf, the temperature drop in Boston was a nightmare, especially for Rafe. He hated the winter, and the fall, and part of the spring.

“I’m just not positive.”

“What’s the matter with it this time?” He asked, a little more than exasperated honestly.  

You sighed, sitting down on the bar stool in Rafe’s kitchen. You knew what was the matter, the same thing that was the problem every time that you thought about the brownstone a little too long. “What if something happens?”  

“What do you mean?”  

“What if something happens between us? What if we start renovating and you hate all the stuff I like or what if we move in and you break up with me-“

“Can I ask why I’m doing all these things?” He asked, walking back over to where you were sitting, turning the seat of your stool so that he could cage you in a little. “What if you hate the stuff I like or you break up with me?”

“That’s ridiculous.” You dismissed.  

“Yeah and it’s ridiculous for you to think that stuff about me.” He replied, “look, I get it. I’ve never taken anything seriously before. All the shit my dad says about me is true but this,” He waved his hand between the two of you, “there’s nothing I want more than this. Okay?”

“Okay,” you nodded, “but I want pink cabinets in the kitchen or no deal.”  

Rafe smiled, shaking his head before. “Whatever you want.”

“That’s dangerous.” You teased, leaning forward in your chair and tilting your head up a little, silently asking him for a kiss which he happily reciprocated. “I love you, I just freak myself out sometimes.”

The brownstone took six months to finish, six months of meetings with a contractor, six months of walking through half finished abstractions and picking out tile and flooring and cabinets and paint. Six months of talking about color schemes and trying to convince Rafe that the pink velvet sofa was moving into the house.  

And somehow, during those six months, it wasn’t Rafe’s modern, spacious, sleek apartment that you co-habituated in but your apartment. Smaller, brighter, more homely. Rafe’s lease ended before yours and he wasn’t sure how you convinced him but he moved out of his apartment, sold furniture he didn’t care about, and moved into yours.  

-

The brownstone wasn’t the only thing that occupied Rafe’s mind during those six months. Between work and renovations Rafe had started spending an unhealthy amount of time looking at rings. There was a significant difference between what he knew you would like (which he had to base solely on what he knew about you because damn it if you never brought up a wedding at all) and what he would’ve liked to give you. He considered asking but he thought that might be in bad taste, who asks someone to help with their own proposal. So he did the next best thing he could think of.  

“This is so exciting.” Nina’s high pitched whisper was hardly a whisper at all, far too invested in this ‘no one could see them talking’ conspiracy. She claimed it was for your benefit, to keep the secret a little longer, but Rafe had a better idea that it was just so she could boast about having helped after the fact. “God, this one is beautiful.”  

“I thought she’d like it, it’s not very traditional and it’s something she’d feel comfortable wearing at work.” Rafe replied. He decided that was an important criteria. You didn’t wear a lot of jewellery solely because you worried about six year old hands grabbing at it or losing it throughout the day.  

“I like it, I think she’d really love it.” Nina replied honestly, “you should just go with your gut, you know what she likes.”

“I just second guess myself.”  

“Well don’t, you guys are…it’s nice, to see her with someone that makes her happy. She used to be so stressed all the time with Ian and he was always such a dick to her.” Nina commented. She let Rafe take his laptop back, the two of them sitting at a table in the Starbucks near your apartment.  

The ring was modest and, for lack of a better word, delicate. It had been the first one he’d seen that he’d felt confident about and hearing Nina confirm that you would love it reassured that anxious feeling in his gut. He didn’t know how to explain it in a way that made sense, that didn’t sound like some cliché sound bite, but this wasn’t something he ever thought about it. He had friends who thought about stuff like that, who made plans or thought further ahead than a week but he had never been one of them. Topper had been right, this wasn’t him. Or, not the version of him that he had been before.  

“You have plans to propose?” Nina asked, sipping her latte and watching Rafe so casually ordering the ring right there in Starbucks like it was a pair of shoes.  

“The house is done in two months so, I was thinking about waiting until then.” He shrugged.  

“You’re gonna ask her to marry you just, in your house?”  

“It’ll be first thing, kinda a ‘here’s our house, marry me’ thing. Why?” He asked. Rafe thought it was a pretty good idea. Take you to the house for one last walk through before you officially moved and ask you to marry right on the rooftop deck that you loved so much.  

“Just wondered,” Nina replied. “You were so worried about the ring, I expected you to be more unsure about everything.”  

“I knew the brownstone was the spot when we toured it with the realtor.” He replied, matter of fact. “Obviously don’t say anything.”  

“I won’t, I promise.”

-

Rafe could’ve asked you about a ring, a wedding, future kids, and you probably still wouldn’t have put two and two together. It wasn’t that you didn’t think about those things because you did. It was like flipping on a TV that was only playing a series of ex machina broadcasts. Even if you weren’t thinking about it immediately it crept in. When Anya had told you about her honeymoon you immediately wondered what your own might be like, if it would ever happen. When a new class of kids started and a name stuck out to you as one you liked you’d start to wonder about your own future children.  

You thought about the future to an overwhelming degree and you always had. But you didn’t think that Rafe did. Or, more accurately, you didn’t want to think about whether or not he did. What if dating was enough? What if the brownstone was enough? Your mom always spooked you with the same advice, “never move in with a guy before you’re engaged or you’ll never get married”.  

You only broached the subject once, laying on the couch after a day of parent-teacher conferences and watching the Bachelorette because it was ridiculous and you needed ridiculous television.  

“You could audition for this show.” You called as Rafe came out of the bedroom, changed out of his work clothes (slacks, button downs, you were truly blessed to see both sides of his wardrobe as often as you did).  

“For…” he looked at the screen as he pulled his Duke University shirt over his head, “for the bachelorette?”

“Yeah, I bet you’d be like, a fan favorite.”  

“I don’t know how you watch this, it’s all manufactured.”  

“It’s kinda nice though, I mean they all get right to the point.” You replied.  

“Saying ‘I wanna marry that person’ before they even know each other is dumb. Very rarely does that happen in real life.” Rafe said, walking into the kitchen.  

“Will you make me popcorn? Also, it’s not dumb…you’ve never met someone and been like ‘that’s the one’ right off the bat?” You called.  

Rafe grabbed the popcorn out of the cabinet, Fivel appearing at his feet at the sound of rattling. “Did you feed Five?” He asked, already opening the fridge to grab his food.  

“Only dry food before I walked him.” You called back, “you didn’t answer my question.”  

“Your question is a trap.” He replied.  

You sat up, leaning over the back of the couch so that you could see him in the kitchen. “It is not!”  

Rafe only hummed, ignoring you as you flopped back onto the couch to watch Chris Harrison announce that the guys were flying to Ireland for the next leg of the competition. Rafe looked back over at the TV before putting your popcorn in the microwave. Fivel ate and then headed into the living room, jumping up on the wing chair that you always kept a heating pad and blankets on. Somewhere in all the domesticity of his life Rafe had stopped thinking so much about the differences. He didn’t dwell too much on the kid he’d been in North Carolina and just let himself enjoy doing absolutely nothing with you on a Tuesday night, watch trash TV and talking about all the stuff you had to do in the upcoming weeks.  

He carried the bowl of popcorn into the living room with a beer and a diet coke, depositing everything on the coffee table. He turned the heating pad on for Fivel before sitting on the other end of the couch from you, your socked feet tucking under his thigh. “College,” Rafe said, glancing over at you.

“What?” You sat up a little bit, moving away from him only to move closer.  

“When I saw you in the stairwell at Duke. I was pretty sure.” He replied. Pretty sure was an understatement. If there was one thing that Rafe was positive about it was that he had known then and there, as you stood on the other side of the door in the cold, or maybe before that even, when you first walked into his line of view, that you were it. He would’ve chased that feeling forever if he’d never gotten a second chance at it.  

“I was so nervous that night...I thought like worse case, you were gonna try to take advantage of me,” you pointed out.  

“There goes my credibility.”  

“Well, in hindsight, we did sleep together. But you’re just…I don’t know. Especially in college. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person in my entire life who so embodies the phrase ‘I get what I want’ but you certainly did then.” You replied. He still did now but you didn’t want to give him too much of an ego boost.

“I’d say I can’t argue but you never did call me back.”  

“Yeah well you’ve got me now.” You teased.  

Rafe had told Nina he had it all figured out. In two months he would propose to you, in the house you bought together, and it would be romantic and thoughtful and planned. And all of it went out the window for a Tuesday night in a cramped apartment watching the Bachelorette and eating popcorn.  

“Marry me.”  

“What?” You looked away from the group date that was dissolving into chaos on the screen. You had to shift back a little to look at him because when you’d moved you’d leaned your whole body against his.  

“Marry me.” He repeated, that same confidence that had been seeped in every word that he spoke when he flirted with you in college was there now, as if he was just so incredibly sure of himself. “I was gonna wait another two months to ask but I’d rather not.”  

“Okay, yea, yes.” You nodded. You felt like a whirlwind was going in your mind, all the things you wanted to happen, the things you pretended not to think about, that you spent far too much time on, came rushing forward as you kissed him, unconcerned with the TV or anything other than your boyfriend in that moment.  

Rafe kissed you back, pulling you over his lap, hands on your hips. He was all for a quiet Tuesday but he certainly wouldn’t complain about having this instead. “Bedroom?”  

“Yes sir.” You replied, arms wrapped around his shoulders and smiling against his mouth. Your grip tightened when Rafe stood suddenly, your legs locking around his waist as he carried you into the bedroom.  

You had teased him the first time you toured your future home that he would have to buy a really good couch for the living room so he wouldn’t have to carry you up a flight of stairs. He’d only replied that he would have to put an elevator in.  

-

“You didn’t ask about a ring,” Rafe pointed out, laying in bed with you, hand holding yours over his chest.  

“What do you mean?”  

“People usually propose with a ring.”  

“Oh,” you scrunched your nose up and pressed your forehead against his shoulder, you hadn’t even thought about a ring. Anything that wasn’t solely Rafe had gone out of your head without much effort, your sole focus on him and the fact that he’d asked you to marry him. There was nothing else you could even imagine thinking of in that moment. “I totally forgot.”  

“I was going to propose at the house, when we moved in,” he commented, tightening his grip around your waist as if he could pull you any closer.  

“That would’ve been really nice.”  

“I know.” He had it all planned perfectly, “so I won’t have a ring for another month or so.”  

“You shouldn’t have mentioned it then! I might not’ve even realized it.” You teased.

“Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t have.” Rafe replied, “you probably would’ve forgotten we were engaged. I could’ve re-proposed.” 

“You should’ve, you could’ve made it more romantic.” 

“What can I say,” he shrugged, “I’m impatient.”

“That’s okay,” you reasoned because honestly it was fine. This was good enough, “you just couldn’t resist me.”  

“Yeah that’s what it was.”  

“Hey!” You laughed, untangling yourself to sit up in bed, “hey, did you have a speech and everything? Was it gonna be like, really sappy?”  

“I did have a speech, yes.” Rafe replied. “It was pretty good too.” And it should’ve been, he had drafts saved on his phone of different possible speeches he could’ve given you.  

“Are you gonna not read it to me now?”  

“It’s on my phone.”  

“Easy fix.” Before he could grab you, you had gotten off the bed, running out to the living room. You made it to the other side of the door before you ducked back in, grabbing Rafe’s shirt off the ground. “Mrs. Murphy is home.”  

“Flash her, she’d love it.” Rafe joked, laughing when you threw up the middle finger at him as you left the room.  

Your window ‘neighbor’ was a retired older lady who liked to sit in her living room and pretend to watch TV. In actuality she had angled her TV just so that she would be able to watch all the windows on the building beside hers, your building, and she’d caught you in some fairly compromising positions since you had started dating Rafe. She was happy to peep and you were pretty sure Rafe purposely walked around the living room naked or next to naked just to give her a show but you most definitely were not.  

“Is it in your notes?” You asked, coming back into the room with Rafe’s phone in your hands, swiping through apps.  

“I’ll get it, give me my phone.” He offered, holding his hand out.  

“I wanna read it.”  

“I’ll read it to you.” Rafe replied.  

“Fine.” You climbed up on the bed, hand pressed against the arched ceiling above your head to keep your balance, Rafe’s shirt riding up. When you got close enough he wrapped a hand around the back of your thigh, pulling and causing you to fall into his lap, knees on either side of him. “I was this close to kneeing you,” you said, holding your thumb and forefinger almost together as indication.  

“But you didn’t.” Rafe took the phone from you, searching his notes to find the speech he’d drafted.  

-

Though you were sure Mrs. Murphy was sad to see you go you were practically bouncing at the prospect of the new house. A house. The word felt so foreign. And maybe because you’d packed up all those silly childhood dreams ages ago when you decided that you would never be the type of person to meet someone that felt so wholly part of you. Nina got the childhood sweetheart life you’d wanted for so long and when you finally cancelled those plans and put your focus on a life that revolved around you and Fivel things like houses felt silly.  

But there it was, something you’d only ever walked passed before. Three stories of space, four bedrooms, an office space, a kitchen that looked fit for the pages of a magazine. Rafe was sorting through books to put on the shelves in the living room space, and you were tackling the kitchen while Fivel napped on the back patio space.  

“We should have an engagement party here.” You called over the music you had turned on. “Honestly we could have the whole wedding here.”  

“I think we might need a little bit more space for a wedding.” Rafe replied, leaving the books in boxes momentarily to find you in the kitchen. You were on the floor, unpacking the pots and pans and loading them into the lower cabinets.  

“I saw this post that this woman and her partner had a small wedding and did a lot of diy stuff and then saved all their money for the honeymoon.” You replied. “If we time it right we could honeymoon in the summer.”  

“That’s fine with me.” Rafe shrugged, “you’ll be planning by yourself though, I’m going to Beijing in May, for the-“

“For that whatever thing your boss is having you do.” You cut him off, leaning back against his legs, “Lucky you. And don’t think for a second that I won’t harass you every day with emails and texts and facetime asking about what venue should we rent, where should we get pictures, what should we eat.”  

“Can’t wait,” Rafe laughed, “we’ll figure something out. Though I do like this small wedding you're talking about.”  

“That’s cause you hate everyone.” You replied.  

Rafe was a party person in the sense that he liked showing off and parties gave him the opportunity but he was not fond of too many people. Polite, friendly even, sure, but he wasn’t rushing to plan too many outings that didn’t immediately benefit him in some way. The only close friends he had were from childhood.  

“Fine then, we’ll have a big wedding.” He shrugged, stepping away from you and causing you to grab the floor before you fell on your back.  

“No,” you groaned, “I don’t like people either.”  

“I’ll only be gone a month; we’ll figure out the wedding details and all that shit.”  

“All that shit.” You repeated, getting up off the ground and walking over to him.  

“What?” He asked, skeptical as you smiled at him, wrapping your arms around his waist and tilting your head back slightly to get him to kiss you.  

“We’re living together.”

“We have been living together.” He pointed out, just barely kissing you, nose brushing yours.  

“Yeah, but this is our house.”  

-

The wedding was small, exactly the way you both wanted. Rafe’s sisters were there by Ward and Rose stayed in North Carolina. Your family came and a few friends, you skipped inviting anyone from work aside from Anya, who came alone. The small church in was in Western Massachusetts, in your hometown, decorated with wild flowers and greens.  

“Topper,” you whispered, waving your soon-to-be husband’s best friend, and best man, over to where you were, peeking out of the pastor’s office. You were almost completely ready, all you needed was your veil and you’d be ready to walk down the aisle. Rafe was already in the chapel, talking with your family as they waited for the pression to start.  

“Hey,” Topper came over, giving you a quick hug. He’d arrived yesterday and you hadn’t gotten the chance to seen him because you were staying at your sister’s. You had made Rafe swear that the two of you were going to spend your pre-wedding night separate. “Cold feet? Want me to stall so you can make a getaway?” He teased.

“No.” You laughed, “will you get Rafe for me though?”  

“Yeah.” He squeezed you in a hug one more time, kissing your forehead before pulling away, “you look beautiful by the way.”

“Thank you.”  

Topper disappeared back into the chapel, walking up the aisle to where Rafe was, whispering in his best friend’s ear that you wanted him. Rafe glanced down the aisle, as if he could see you through the doors. He clapped Topper on the shoulder and headed down the aisle into the vestibule where the pastor’s office was. A few stragglers were chatting as he passed them, coming to the door and knocking.  

You opened the door enough that he could just see you, your robe obscuring the dress you were wearing. “Hi.”

“Hey, you trying to cancel the wedding on me?” He teased.  

“No, god, don’t listen to Topper.” You laughed, “I just wanted to see you. I missed you.”

“I saw you yesterday.”

“Rafe!” You pouted, glaring at him.  

He placed his hand on the back of your neck, leaning in to kiss you, “hey, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I’ll see you soon.” Rafe promised, kissing you one last time before letting go, heading back into the chapel.  

Everything felt like a blur that fast forwarded to the vows, standing there at the top of the church, pastor in front of you and crowd of family and friends sitting, watching, as Rafe read off the index cards he’d written his vows on. He’d obsessed over them, from the moment you said yes until now, he’d gone over them and over them and back over them. What if he said the wrong thing, what if he sounded stupid or insincere? But you were looking at him like he’d hung the stars, like no one had ever looked at him before.  

He took a deep breath before beginning, “one time at your parents' house you tried to tell me about something Nancy Reagan said to her husband and I know I cut you off then but when we went home afterward, I read up on the President and his wife and I don’t know exactly what you intended to say but in a letter to Nancy, Reagan said ‘I more than love you, I’m not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I’m waiting for you to return so I can start living again.’ When I saw you across the street, waiting outside the restaurant on our first date that was it for me. I knew in the stairwell of Duke that you were it and when you messaged me the first time after that I knew I was never letting this go…”

You listened to his vows, blinking furiously as you tried not to cry. It was a useless attempt, by the second sentence you could feel the tears, probably soaking through makeup that you’d have to redo before pictures.  

“You never told me you read that,” you laughed, trying your best not to cry, “damn it.”

Rafe smiled, that same smugness he always had when he did something he knew you would undeniably love. You pressed the folded piece of paper to your chest, taking a breath before steadily unfolding it and looking down at your handwriting scrawled in successive paragraphs, all collections of feelings.  

“Okay,” you breathed, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to stop crying and then down again at the papers...

-

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[ianmunro-blog1]

[ stephen amell, thirty-six, cismale, he/him ] ━ hey, I just saw [ ian munro ] walking down the streets of crownsville. he’s lived in town for [ a week two months ], and you can catch him around town working as a [ pediatric doctor ]. I hear he’s known to be [ caring & loyal ] and [ stubborn & withdrawn ]. if asked, he would say his aesthetic would be [ sleepless nights, long hikes & leather jackets ].

tw: child death, PTSD.

Edward-Anthony Ian Munro is the son of the well-known thriller movie screenwriter & director, Chandler Munro, and Lana Munro. He has a baby sister, Elly, who’s his greatest weakness. 

The only place where his full name is written, is his ID. His parents, who already planned on picking a name that would stand out, thought the proper thing to do was name him after their parents, and since his dad grew up with two dads... You do the math. He exclusively goes by “Ian” though.

Ian is the definition of a duckling who turned into a swan. He wasn’t pretty enough as a baby to become a kid’s model. However, his parents were adamant he’d be part of this Hollywood life. His father used to cast him in all the kid roles in his screenplays until more people saw him and wanted him. Little Ian did as he was told.

It was around his teenhood that he started to rebel. His parents had shaped up his whole life for him already. He didn’t get the chance to choose anything on his own. It started to bother him; a lot.

Ian felt angry and smothered, but he hadn’t realized just how much until he got in a fight in school because some asshole was bullying a friend of his. The kid realized he felt better after throwing a punch or two and asked to get in martial arts. His parents, who weren’t paying as much attention to him at the time since his little sister was just born, agreed. Ian’s life took a turn after that. Fighting classes helped him control his anger and chanel it where he was supposed to. Today, he holds a black belt in Taekwondo and a black one, level five, in Krav Maga. Being active is a part of his daily routine that he can’t let go of. Crossfit, sparring, hiking... You name it and he’s in for it.

Martial arts helped him shape his personality. However, he still felt like something wasn’t right. Once again, little Elly became the factor that shaped who he’d be. For once, Ian was left alone. You see, his baby sister became the new “toy” their parents tried to mold into their will. In the meantime, he got to focus on school only to realize that he actually liked it a lot. Not only that, but the boy was smart and a quick study. By the time he turned 15, he’d made up his mind for good: He didn’t like acting at all. Hell, he was mediocre at it, at best. It just wasn’t for him. Instead, he wanted to do something meaningful that would impact lives for the better. His parents couldn’t stop him if they wanted to. Thus, Ian spent the remaining three years of high school studying his ass off to get perfect grades in order to apply in Med School. He was accepted into New York Medical College.

Once he was able to let go of the pretentious life, Ian found himself and happiness on the way. Life in New York was heavenly. Elly was the only person he missed when he was away, the only reason he travelled back in LA every single week to see. It seemed like she wanted to follow his footsteps in the sense of practicing martial arts herself. Ian was there every step of the way. As her older brother, he was her protector and one of her closest friends. It’s been tough on him, not seeing her as much ever since she moved to Crownsville. To this day, she’s still one of three greatest loves of his life. 

( He lost the other two. )

New York became his new home. He majored in Pediatrics and worked at one of the local hospitals. Around the time he got his medical degree, he met the second love of his life. They started off as good friends, considering they had terrible timing when it came to dating other people. There were feelings there for a very long time though (even if blind idiot Ian couldn’t recognize them for what they were for way too long) so when they eventually did get together, they hit it off instantly. Roughly a year later he proposed and only a couple months after their wedding, she got pregnant. His son, Jason, was the third love of his life. 

Everything seemed to be going perfectly until little Jace passed away at 2 years of age, due to a terrible case of Pneumonia. The child was allergic to most antibiotics. Ever since it happened Ian drowned in self-guilt for being unable to save him whilst his wife detached from him and everyone else completely. Unable to figure out a way to make it work after what happened, they called it quits and Ian moved in to Crownsville to find his sister. 

So this is where he is now. He’s been in town for about a week two months but he plans on staying. He got a loan upon arrival and opened his own office in town so he’ll be staying with Elly until things start evolving on a steady pace.

STRAY FACTS & TRAITS.

Ian would never call himself that, but he’s actually a truly wonderful guy who’s always trying for the best and holds a positive stance to almost anything.

He hasn’t smoked once in his life and he’s not a drinker either. However, he suffers from insomnia and PTSD since his child died in his arms.

Yes, his parents insisted Edward-Anthony Ian auditioned for Twilight. Yes, his friends found it hilarious and held it over his head forever. Yes, he’s thrilled he didn’t get the part.

Idk what’s gonna happen in the future, but right now he’s still very much in love with his wife and can’t imagine ever moving on or starting a family again. He just plans on dedicating himself to his world for the rest of his life, pretty much.

He’s a trust-worthy guy who one can trust with their deepest secrets. However, he hardly ever trusts anyone with his own. 

He hates gossiping and he’s hardly ever judgemental of other people’s choices. He’s the most loyal friend.

SOME CONNECTIONS.

His sister. Shoutout to @ellymunro !

His ex-wife. I’d probably gift you my firstborn child if you brought her, ngl. 

Friends. Pretty self-explanatory. 

Exes (on good terms?). Before meeting his wife, Ian used to date a bunch. Tbh the relationship could’ve ended on bad terms only if the girlfriend cheated but even so, he’d be long over it by now. He’s pretty civil in general.

Ex girlfriend. Now I separate this one from the rest because this would have to be the girl he dated in New York right before his wife. In fact, he broke up with her because he couldn’t ignore or deny his feelings for his future wife any longer. This could be the source of some unresolved drama? Because the ex-girlfriend might believe Ian cheated on her or something? ( shoutout to @ohnotony ! )

Best friend. Pretty self-explanatory. His ride-or-die. His drinking buddy when he truly needs it (Bonus points if he’s lived in Crownsville for at least a couple years now thus he watches over his baby sister).

Fwb. I picture this as a future plot. Ian doesn’t feel divorced yet but I can only imagine he’d need someone to warm up his bed at night at some point in the future. 

Co-workers/ex co-workers. Another doctor or a nurse who used to work at the same hospital as him back in New York, and maybe a secretary who works in his office.

Anything else, really!

[maxhoemo]

tw; abuse, suicidal thoughts (not explicit)

have a scene that came to me randomly at 3am. Inspired by a request, but not the actual fill for that request. 

It was getting harder and harder to avoid fights. Max wasn’t sure how he caused them. But he knew he was the cause of them. His girlfriend, Annie told him so. And after a while of being told things, one tends to start to believe it. Like the way she always liked to remind him of the time her friend had said to her; “Why are you with Max? He’s not attractive. He’s not smart. He’s not successful...” Soon, you start to doubt your own intelligence. Your own self image. Your own worth. 

He had agonized for days how to bring this up to Annie. She always had people over. Every night. Max understood. She worked hard. But Max hadn’t been able to film any videos all week, and he was starting to run out of his backlog. “I just need a few evenings where the house is quiet...Or we could get some sound-proofing...”

“All you ever do is ask for money! Am I just your ATM!?”

“No, no, no!” Max had backtracked in every way he could. 

He just had never learned how to avoid it. The screaming. And the throwing things. And the violence. He was sure there was a way, but he just hadn’t found it yet. It was becoming more and more common then it had ever been. 

Annie liked makeup sex. Max didn’t. 

Annie liked to buy things to apologize. It was funny. She always accused him as treating her as a bank, or spending too much. But she would spend so much money on him. Not anything he’d ever asked for of course. The more gifts Max received, the worse the fights would get. He really did wonder what she wanted him around for.

Tonight was a night, just after one of these incidents. Max was still pretty shaken up. He’d gone to the kitchen for a glass of water. 

“Max.”

Max jumped, turning around in the darkness. His glass falling to the ground with a crash.

“What’s wrong with you!?”

“I’m sorry...!”

“You’re always so sorry!”

“I’m sorry...”

“Stop saying that! Don’t be sorry! Clean it up! Dumb cunt...”

Yet again. He just didn’t know how to avoid it... As he dumped the dust pan of glass into the trash can, he heard her footsteps climbing the stairs back to bed. 

Max took a deep, but shaky breath. Letting himself out through the sliding glass door, into the backyard. Grabbing a small wooden box from a patio table and taking it over to the sitting area in the backyard. It was beautiful. White whicker chairs, surrounded by a white canopy mosquito net and lined with fairy lights. Anyone who came over and used it instantly got the impression that he and Annie were the perfect, happy couple.

Opening up the little box, Max rolled himself a joint. It wasn’t booze, but it would do in a pinch. Lighting it, he took a long, slow inhale. Then did the same on the exhale. He just needed this. Needed something. Something that would make escaping to his happy place a little bit easier.

“Hi, Max.” Finally. After several minutes the voice finally greeted him.

“Ian...” Max smiled. Ian smiled back at him. 

“How are you doing?”

“Oh... Not good...”

“I know.” Ian’s face was so understanding. Just as it always was.

“I can’t take it, Ian.”

“It’s okay, Max. Everything’s gonna be fine.”

“Ian...” Max sobbed.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

“Can you just stay here with me?”

“Of course.”

“Oh Ian. How did I end up like this?”

“It isn’t your fault.”

“Will you be here for me?”

“Of course. Always.”

“Will you protect me?”

“You know I will.”

“Ian... Can you take me away from all this? I just wanna be with you. Please. Let’s run away and be together.”

“No. I can’t.”

“W-what...? What do you mean you can’t?” Max felt tears start in his eyes. Slowly, sliding down his cheek.

“I’m not gay, Max.”

 “I’m not gay...” He choked out.

“Max...”

“Ian, please! I need you!”

“I’m not gay, Max. You know that.”

“No!”

“You know I’m not interested in you in that way.”

“Stop it!”

“You know I have a girlfriend who I love.”

“Ian, why are you doing this!?”

“Telling you the truth?”

“No...”

“Do you want me to lie to you?”

“I want you to love me! I want you to love me the way I love you! You’re the only person who cares about me.”

“I do love you. You’re my best friend.”

Max buried his face in his hands. Sobbing harder. “Go away! Just go away! This is all wrong!”

“I want to help you, Max.”

“Then take me away from this!”

“But Max. I don’t believe you.”

Max’s head snapped up. “Shut up! Shut up!”

“I don’t believe you. Erin and Annie are such good friends. She’d never do anything to hurt you.”

“Nooo-ho-ho-hooo...” He screamed it rough in his throat. 

“Max! Ian! We should do more stuff as couples. That was so fun when we...!”

“Go away Erin! I hate you, i hate you, I hate you, I hate you! I hate you so fucking much! I hate you, I hate you! I hate you!!” His fists were clenched so hard, his nails dug deep into his skin. “Why did you take Ian from me!? How can you be so fucking stupid!? Why is Annie your best friend, you dumb cunt! You turned my best friend against me! I would kill you if I could!” He took a second to breath. “Ian! Help me...” he begged.

“But Max... You guys seem so happy... I don’t understand....”

“Ian, I love you! Tell me you love me!”

“Max, stop. You know I like women. Only.”

“Ian. You know what happens to me. I’ve told you everything.”

“No,” Ian sneered. “You’re too pussy. You’ve told your imaginary boyfriend. You’d never tell the real Ian.”

“...But I can’t...”

“You’re pathetic.”

Max brought his feet up on the chair, hugging his knees together. “I know... I just want to die, Ian...”

“Why?”

“Because. I don’t know how to get out of this. I want you to come and save me, but I know you won’t....” he sniffled. “If you were gay, would you like me?”

“No. I could do much better than you. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’re stupid. And you’re so annoying! I’d probably have to hit you too.”

“...That isn’t true...”

“Then why did you think it?”

Max didn’t have an answer. “I want to call Ian.”

“I won’t answer. I don’t have time for you anymore. I’m with Erin.”

“I know...”

“Do you think I should ask her to marry me?”

“No.”

“When are you proposing to your girlfriend?”

“Never.”

“I think it would be better if you pretended you two were as happy as everyone thinks you are.”

“I want to die.”

Ian chuckled. “I know.”

“How should I do it?”

“You have to go on. For your dog.”

“She wants to take my dog away from me. She says I’m not responsible. I think she knows how much he helps me. I can’t have help. She likes me like this...”

“Why’s that, Max?”

“I don’t know... Easy to control maybe...”

“Yes. You are.”

“I want Ian to talk to me until I die.”

“I won’t answer your calls.”

“I know...”

“Why do you fall in love with people who hurt you?”

“I guess I’m stupid.”

“Yeah. Annie’s right about you.”

“Oh.....Can’t you please love me? Like you did before?”

“That was all fake. The real Ian won’t love you.”

“I don’t care... I just need you. Please.”

....

“Ian?...Ian...?”

[nickrbockr]

Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 7 - I Wore Contacts Today

Ao3

Warning - Explicit Scene

It was finally the weekend where I get to visit Bram in Baltimore. Spamalot closed last week and the next show was a some what new play by a local playwright. I had a lead role in this but we were given the weekend off of rehearsals because our professors knew how college students were about this holiday. I kissed Leah on the cheek after we had lunch Friday and I threw my suitcase in the back seat. Ian was also there, sad that I was leaving this weekend.

“Can’t you just tell Bram to come up here this time?”

“It’s my turn to go there, he’ll be up again.”

“Ugh, but not probably until Spring Semester.”

“Sorry, he’s a little grumpy because he hasn’t had lunch yet.”

“I’m not grumpy” Ian replied in a pouty tone. “But I am hungry. I need to go into the house; I’m raiding the fridge. Safe drive Simon.”

The door shut quickly behind him. Ian was also a little angry because it was Halloween (Halloweiner) weekend and I was going to Bram’s stomping ground. It worked out perfectly because this will be the first time in all four years of college that we can dress as a couple for Halloween! Bram had been a pretty safe Halloween dresser in college, only going as a soccer player. But knowing we’d be together on Halloween, he was willing to branch out.

“What were you thinking of?” I asked Bram a few weeks ago.

“I don’t know, but definitely a couple costume. I want this Halloween to be fun and cute and Disney for you and me.” He replied. It was becoming harder for him to hide the thirst in his voice for us to be together again. “I also wouldn’t mind if it was…uhm…”

I could imagine Bram blushing on the other end and it made smile.

“I wouldn’t mind if it was...a more revealing costume than conservative.”

“For you or for me?”

“Both.”

Hot. Hot, hot, hot.

“Bram,” I said, “I can imagine you in so many revealing costumes.”

“It can’t just be any costume though, it has to be us…I want to show you off at the party.”

Then it clicked. I knew what we could be. “Bram, I have the perfect idea, trust me, I’ll prepare everything.”

I gathered everything I needed and bought the ones I couldn’t make. I was now on the road and Bram still didn’t know what his Halloween costume was going to be.

“If I guess it can you at least tell me if I’m right?” He asked into my earbuds.

“Okay, but I don’t think you’ll guess it.” I reply, knowing he won’t.

“Mario and Luigi?”

“Ugh, too cliché now.” I respond.

“Batman & Robin?”

“Nope.”

“Thing One and Thing Two.”

I clicked my tongue. “No, but that one would have been cute.”

Bram guessed a few more minutes but was wrong on all of them.

“Trust me,” I tell him. “As soon as you see it you’ll get it. I hope you like it, you’re going to look super cute.”

“How close are you now?” Bram asked, probably biting his lip out of impatience.

“I just left, B” I laugh. “I’ll be in around 5pm.”

“That’s too long,” Bram moaned into the phone. “I need you here.”

“I’ll drive five miles per hour faster, I’m coming as fast as I can!” I plead.

“Si, I’m laying in my bed between classes and I’m only in my underwear.”

My heart started pumping blood to another extremity of mine as I imagined Bram laying down on his sheets and bulging out of his boxer briefs.

“I need to concentrate on the road, mister.” I say, lying because I didn’t want him to stop talking.

“That’s too bad,” Bram started, “Because, oops, now I’m naked.”

My pupils dilated and I let out an involuntary gasp. I had to unbutton my pants so that I could rearrange myself as I had a raging hard on and it was bending in my jeans.

“You’re bad, Bram. Don’t do this to me now, I want to wait til I can see you.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Bram said, straining and moaning his sentence. “I’m jerking off right now, Si.”

I swallowed hard and couldn’t keep my mouth shut as I kept licking my lips in hunger.

“Abraham Louis, what kind of man have you become?” I whisper into the dangling microphone. “What if I told you that I had to unbutton my jeans because hearing you talk about yourself doing that got me so hard I needed to let it out?”

Bram sensually breathed into the phone. “It’s out while you’re driving?”

“Yeah,” I reply. Cars are passing me on the highway because I am going five miles under the speed limit.

“You’re crazy,” Bram replied. “You’re so crazy sexy. But you’re right, I want to wait to see you too. But how am I going to go to my one o’clock class with this boner?”

My dick jumps at the thought of Bram laying in bed, extra hard, trying to put on jeans to hide himself.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to control myself when I see you, Bram.” I warn. “I would suggest to Nick that he finds himself away from your apartment between five and six-thirty tonight.”

“An hour and a half?” Bram purrs. “Ugh, yes, Simon. I will fulfill your wish.”

I was hard until just before I reached New York City, which was good because traffic was right next to my windows and could have seen everything.

Once I was outside of New York I began thinking about the proposal. I know I’m used to doing the sweeping romantic gestures, but when I asked Bram’s parents for their blessing, I didn’t do it in front of a group of people, I did it in a one-on-one setting. And it was perfect.

Maybe there’s a time and place for the grand romantic gestures, but maybe when it comes to this proposal that the perfect scenario would be a place just for us. People were there for the ferris wheel moment and that was great, but the most fun moment was in the car the next day when Bram and I skipped lunch to eat Oreos in his car.

 And if you have a minute why don’t we go, talk about it somewhere only we know.

The Keane song played on the radio as I thought about the place only Bram and I know, and that’s our emails. For old time sake, we would cutely email each other from the fake emails fun messages. It would cause us then to review our old conversations and remind us how we fell in love and what we overcame and finally what we’ve built.

The more and more I thought on the drive, the more and more I convinced myself that perhaps my gut was wrong and that what’s best for us was a nice, Bram-style proposal: me and him and dinner. I needed to talk to Dad.

“Hey big guy!” Dad answered the phone. “How’s the drive?”

“Hey Dad it’s good, I just passing Philly so just about another hour and half.”

“You’re making good time. So what’s going on?”

“All’s I’ve been doing is thinking on this trip, and I wanted your opinion.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m thinking now about making it a more intimate proposal to Bram.”

Dad sucked in air through his teeth. “You’re trying to cut out your mother, I get it. Will it be weird if I’m still there?”

“No, Dad, I’m thinking of not having anyone but Bram and I now. What do you think?”

“I think,” Dad started, “That it’s your proposal and you have to do it in the best way you know how.”

“Yeah, but will that be the best way?”

Dad was silent, too silent. “When I proposed to your mom, I did the ring in the cake after a good dinner and she loved it. It was just us, at a restaurant, surrounded by strangers, but everyone still claps and congratulates you.”

That didn’t sound too bad. If I did the dinner thing, there would still be people there. But if people will be there, should I make sure it’s his family and friends?

“Simon,” Dad continued, “whatever you decide will be great. If I can give you any advice, Bram is a planner, he plans things and he knows every step. Try something so unexpected, so out of character from you that you’ll surprise him.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“I’m sorry kid, I wish I could help you more, but this is something you gotta decide on your own.”

“Don’t be sorry, I know, I know.”

“Okay, well do you want me to tell your mother you’re possibly booting her from your proposal?”

“Oh, god no. I can leave the house, you gotta live with her. I’ll tell here as soon as I decide.”

“Thanks for having my back, Si. Alright, go have fun, tell Bram hi for me.”

I pull over and fill up the tank and think about what Bram would expect from me. He knows I give things away accidently, he knows I am about showing all my cards, he knows I like grand romantic gestures. The opposite of that is literally Bram, so maybe the last thing he’ll suspect would be to do something extremely casual and then proposing.

The gas pump clicks and I fill it up until it’s an even dollar amount. I know you’re not supposed to do it, but I will add twenty extra cents to make it an even forty dollars.

Bzzz

Bram I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m missing you more even though you’re so close!

                                           Just about an hour away, had to stop for gas

. .. … Why is it cute to think about you pumping gas? Am I weird? Be sure to pick up some peanuts Mr. Peanut! ;)

                                                       I was hard for so long after we spoke

. .. … Now I’m picturing you as Mr. Peanut, but with a humongous boner. And now I am sexually attracted to Mr. Peanut, thank you.

                      It was only a matter of time. I’m getting on the road again.                                                                                        See you so soon.

. .. … I love you Peanut. ;)

That better not transition into a new nickname, but if it did, I would only hate it until I head Bram say it in person because he can make any word sound sexy if he wants to. Ugh, I can’t think about the proposal anymore or it’ll stress me out and then Bram will notice and he’ll ask what’s wrong and I’ll probably let is slip. I gotta focus on this weekend and the sexy costume for Bram.

“Simon…Jesus Christ.” Leah commented after I laid out our outfits on my bed three days ago.

“What?” I adjust the fabric to let them lay out more.

“Are you positive Bram meant this when he said he wanted to be less conservative?” She asked.

“I don’t know, but it can be as revealing as he wants it,” as I point to an intricate part of the costume.

“That’s true,” Ian added. “So which one is Bram going to be?”

“That one,” I pointed to on the bed. “Definitely that one.”

Ian cackled. “Oh…Okay, I can see it now.”

“No you can’t,” Leah accused.

“Yeah, I can’t. Sorry, Si. But it looks like you’ll have fun. Hug Bram for me.”

I pulled into a guest parking spot outside of Bram’s building five minutes early. So efficient, Bram would be so proud of me.

“You’re here five minutes early, that’s….really hot for some reason.”

Bram told me as he opened the door. We fell into each other’s arms and kissed as he placed his strong hands on my cheeks and pulled my lips against his soft, open ones. My hands wrapped around his waist and I could feel his back became more muscular. I leaned back to catch my breath but Bram was too hungry and followed me as he found my lips immediately and pulled me wantingly towards his hips.

Our thighs pressed against each other as I moved from his lips to his neck. Bram moaned and tilted his head up and let his hot breath roll past my ear. I leaned up to his ear and whispered.

“I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” he replied. He proceeded to place his lips on my neck now and lightly suck and caress my skin with is tongue. Our hips were moving against one another as we stepped into Bram’s apartment and closed the door.

I pushed my suitcase to the side with my foot and pushed Bram onto his living room couch. He looked me up and down with his sexy brown eyes and licked and bit his lip as his right leg dangled off the couch. I took off my shirt and Bram immediately inspected my body as his eyebrows shot up. I teased him by not straddling him on the couch and his eyes started to beg. I smiled coyly and looked at his bedroom door and started walking to it. I opened it just as Bram followed me inside his room and shut the door behind him.

I used the opportunity to pull up his arms and pin him against the door as he exhaled sharply as he arched his back and his butt rubbed against my crotch. My lips found his neck again and I kissed the spot that always made Bram shiver and moan. I spun him around and shoved him back against the door and moved quickly back to his tender lips.

I’m not sure why because I had never done this before, but I picked Bram up off his feet by his butt and it surprised him in the best way. His confused, sexy look was followed by wrapping his strong legs around my lower back as he aggressively resumed to kissing me.

I carried him to his cutely made bed and laid him on his back as I crawled onto it myself. I unbuttoned my pants and observed my boyfriend as he removed his shirt and his sexy brown skin looked flawless as ever. My pants dropped quickly around my feet as I kicked them off, sporting a solid boner through my boxer briefs.

“I’ve had this since you left me in August.” I tell him between pants.

“I’ve had this since I saw you in high school,” he replies, eyeing down to his print through his jeans. I unbutton and unzip them as I kiss the skin near his belly button. I can see his muscles respond as they flex and relax with pleasure.

I remove and throw his jeans onto the ground and immediately follow them with his boxer briefs until Bram is laying on the bed completely naked and I lose it. An animalistic urge overcomes me and I throw his legs on my shoulders. I lean between his legs, lips on his lips and hand on his penis, stroking it to work out his moans.

My other hand lays gently on his cheek as my fingers extend into his hair I gently pull his hair back to reveal his neck and plunge my lips upon his flesh.

“Si, top drawer.”

I open it and put the lube on my hands as I start to touch both of us as he lays down. I don’t want him to do anything. He’s not going to work at all right now, only lay back and allow me to make him feel physically what he makes me feel emotionally every single second since we’ve started dating.

His eyes cross and mouth dances, trying to properly manifest what he is feeling as I take my hand of myself and place more lube on it to rub between his round, full cheeks. Bram squirms as I apply a bit of pleasure and pressure and moans something I couldn’t hear. I continued until he place his hand on my wrist to stop me from jerking him off.

“St…stop. I need you inside me, right now.”

That sentence has never been such a turn on and the animalistic side took over. My finger began to softly and slowly enter Bram as his chest raised in lowered in ecstasy. I started with one finger until few minutes I added another. His head shot back in pleasure as it rolled slowly from side to side like he was trying to break through the bed. I removed my fingers and removed my boxer briefs that had pre come and lube residue.

“Right now, Si. Right. Now.”

I complied silently but my eyes told Bram a story as he stared deeply into them, extremely attentive to the tiniest of details. I rubbed more lube on and approached Bram, both legs still on my shoulders and I pressed myself into him.

Bram made non-verbal, extremely sexy noises as I made my way in. It felt so phenomenal as his penis seemed to get harder and I saw pre come leak up.

“Oh my god, Si.”

I began to thrust back and forth and the rhythm of our bodies created a symphony of pleasure. I felt every warm part of Bram around me and it egged me on as I increased my pace. I leaned more into him as he cried out in pleasure.

I pushed him further onto the bed and moved one of his legs off my shoulder, changing how deep I could go. I saw on his face how I reached the next level pleasure as he bit his lip and grabbed my butt to pull me in deeper. His eyes rolled back and his mouth couldn’t stay shut.

Like adding fuel to the fire, knowing I was causing him so much ecstasy made my thrusts longer, deeper, and more passionate. His fingers dug into the flesh of my lower back.

“Fuck…Si…Oh my fucking…Fuck.”

Nothing got me hotter than making him speak in fragments or when I made him swear. I had to pick up the pace, the feeling of only Bram around me made the feeling so much closer and deeper and more meaningful and I knew I wouldn’t last much longer.

“OH, Si…Oh shit!”

Some of it landed on his face, most of it landed in the crevices of his neck, and the rest of it was scattered up his abdomen. No iris could be seen as he finished and I could feel him tense around my penis and that was it for me.

It was fire. It was passion. It was love pouring out of me and into him. I gripped him closely to me and fell into his chest and mess and shouted into his shoulder as sweat and panting mixed around my head. When I was sure I was done, I relaxed onto him, sill in him, panting ear to ear.

“I lo…love you.” He panted, a little dazed and confused.

“I love you…love you more,” I panted, a little dazed and confused.

“Impossible.”

I lay next to him on his bed, both of us messy and we soon decide to take a shower.

Together of course.

The lube and sweat and come wash off with little effort from the showerhead and we stand under it, next to each other. Once that has been taken care of, I notice Bram’s biceps and the way the water beads on his flesh. I get half hard again. Bram notices it as it brushes against his leg and he turns to me mouth open, eyes eager for another round.

Our lips kiss as the water washes over our backs, cascading between our black and white skin. Bram is now fully hard again and I squat down and put him in my mouth. It’s such a nice view of his abs when I’m down here as well has is sculpted v-cut and well trimmed pubic hair.

I was down there for about ten minutes until I tasted him. It was sweet, just like Bram. He returned the favor, but I couldn’t last that long. And could you blame me with you have the most gorgeous human being on the planet doing the one thing that proves the closest thing to the manifestation of love?

My toes shoot out as I shoot into Bram’s mouth and like me he swallowed. He came up to my eye level, even though he is a few inches taller than I am and I could see God in his eyes. This is what heaven is. The moments of pure connection with another human. When it’s not about you, but it’s about someone else. My heart pounded as he stared at me through his dripping wet hair

“All of that…was long over due,” I tremble out.

The water falls against my back and down through my leg hair.

“Every moment leading up to right now has been worth it.” He replied. Another kiss was taken, another given.

We finished washing ourselves and each other. I explored his body like I was seeing it for the first time, wanting to memorize ever inch, every area of skin to make mental image of his beauty. Bram got me a towel and he walked out of the bathroom.

The proposal. It was just about Bram and me. No one else. No one else makes me feel both giving and wanting. Selfish and selfless. When I ask him to be mine, to be my husband, for the rest of our lives, I want the moment to be between us and only us.

I dry off and walk naked from the bathroom back into Bram’s. He moved my suitcase into his room and it laid on the foot of the bed with Bram staring at it.

“You so badly want to know what it is, don’t you?” I ask, smiling the biggest smile.

“Almost as much as I wanted to have sex,” he replied, returning a large smile.

“Okay, close your eyes.”

He complies and I set out our outfits on his bed while he impatiently tapped his foot. Once everything was arranged, I put my hands on his shoulders.

“Okay, you can open them.”

He did. And he open mouth smiled and let out a big laugh.

“Slutty Harry Potter and Ron Weasley!” He cackled.

Two Gryffindor robes, my round glasses (I wore contacts today), a red wig, two wands, and two black spandex trunk shorts with a picture of a gold and red tie down the center where our crotches are housed. No shirts, no pants, only robes.

“You're Harry and I'm Ron. I even have something to give you a scar...Do you like it? Is it too much? You can always zip up the robe.”

He turned me towards him and kissed me deeply.

“I love it.”

“Really?” I qualify.

“Really,” He plants another long kiss on my lips. “My Harry Potter nerd.”

[weirdohippiefreaky]

Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, OY!!

Right, so on 7/3 I was in Target after work. I get a call from Dawn. It started as a normal conversation. What time I was getting the boys to go into Philly, what they need, what I should pack, etc.  She then tells me to watch what I email to the email address I used to open Kevin’s Tablet, because there was a photo in one of her. The one topless photo she let me take.  I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to send it from the RIGHT email address TO the ONE address she would have access too via Kevin’s tablet. She was shocked to see it. She seemed shocked I would even want it, because I hate her so much (she doesn’t get the way men think...like, at all). We started to have a serious talk about us for the first time in months, covering the usual topics while avoiding the triggers (which means not discussing most topics). We talked about her seizure and how she now admits that it was probably caused in part by not eating or sleeping at the time.  Something that I said from the beginning which she got all pissed at me for saying. She said it was something she had to figure out for her self.  I then brought up another reason I was so upset Monday night after Therapy (the initial cause of the conversation).  I remembered Missy told me Dawn blamed ME for said seizure. Dawn freaked out when I said that, saying that Missy almost had our children taken away due to her addiction and she doesn’t care what she said.  Plus, she can’t defend herself against things a proven liar says (ironic way to put it) and please don’t bring up anything Missy told me she said to her. “I thought she was my friend” she put it. In other words, she didn’t deny it, just doesn’t want to have to face me now knowing that I know all the dark secrets she told her. I have no way of knowing what is true and what was said to just keep me mad at Dawn. Like how she never really wanted to marry me in the first place, but only accepted my marriage proposal because “society expected her too” or some such nonsense. This one I believe Dawn said...because it really does sound like something she would say.  Missy also told me she had multiple affairs that I didn’t know about. This one I do kind of take with a grain of salt. She did do a lot of speculating and make a lot of exaggerations. Plus, she really wanted me to stay mad at her. Oy. In any case, I’m not an idiot. Naive?  Oh yes.  But, I know Dawn just doesn’t want to have to face the music knowing that I know pretty much every shitty thing she did (without proof though). It’s ok.  It really doesn’t even matter at this point. 

   Skip ahead to the early evening of the 4th of July. The boys and I dropped my father off at the folk festival to set up his tent. Dawn met us at the house. The boys got hair cuts, we went to Target (Nathaniel laughed at pointed at the manager, a tiny dwarf woman, which embarrassed the hell out of us and I had to yell at him). We had dinner at Red Robin. Dawn was absolutely about to have a melt down at any second. The boys were their usual rambunctious selves.  Running around, knocking things over, Nathaniel periodically crying after Kevin got too rough. She was visibly shaken at Red Robin with their shouting. She said she can feel all the stares and judgement from strangers.  That they don’t judge fathers the same way (which is probably true). I wasn’t shaken by it. We were in a family friendly place with high ceilings and a lot of space. Red Robin is well equipped to handle spirited youngsters. She had the look of panic pretty much the whole time. We get home and she asks about my text stating I miss her sometimes. She said she thought I was coming around to her point of view, which was we never made a good couple. “you said you missed me.  I’m right here”. I was all “you know I didn’t mean we weren’t spending enough time together”  I said that I missed the companionship. She acted surprised that I felt that way, as she didn’t make a good companion for me.  Which is true. I am always so sure to word everything carefully as to not make her head explode with anxiety. I already had it in my head that I was only going to bring up the controversial parts of the past if she pressed me on the topless pic (”oh, you’re embarrassed by the pic and are afraid I might share it with my friends?  Well, why can’t I?  I mean, I just want to know what they think.  You know...the same reason you shared my list of improvements to Ian.  Not to be mocked and laughed at, no. Just so he could give an unbiased opinion.  riiiiiiight”) But, she didn’t bring it up.  We talked about our failings, on the role models we both had for marriage. Her folks split up, fought and hated each other for over 3 decades.  Her mother is still pissed at her father. My folks probably would be still married to this day had my mother not died. Happily married?  Not a chance. I was telling her about this...about how my attitude was that you tough it out.  She suddenly interrupted me and said she had to go.  I said “I thought you wanted to talk about this.  You brought it up!” “I know, but it feels like you’re making me out to be the bad guy for not wanting to be in a marriage I was unhappy in” Funny.  She totally IS the bad guy in my (and pretty much everyone else’s) eyes in most aspects.  But I actually wasn’t meaning to paint her that way in this case. I explained to her that I was just telling her my thought at the time and why divorce was something I thought should be an absolute last resort. I explained how I was pretty much willing to tolerate almost anything (the qualifier “almost” is key here) because this was how I thought it worked. At least I figured out while I was with Missy that she and I were never a good couple. I was unhappy with her constant fighting, fight provoking, clingy-ness (only not in a sweet “I love you and want you near me” kind of way. More like “your free time will never belong to you, but be spent taking care of the boys while I go do whatever” kind of way), constant double standards, all the trash talking about other people, no sex, etc. This is not even counting the obvious other things post Sparke.  She said she thinks I was so mad because I never got the chance to make it up to her after I found out what was wrong. That, of course, is only a fraction of what I was pissed about...a part I am no longer really that pissed over. She still has major delusions as to her value in my eyes.  She still thinks that I think of her as this prize that I was denied and now I’m sad because I can no longer have her as my woman. Her inability to handle any pressure makes it impossible to have a real conversation about what I think.  Not that it really matters at this point. 

   She still freaked out and abruptly left, leaving me feeling weird.  I texted her later with a better explanation as to what I meant by missing her. I miss waking up next to her, I miss watching TV with her feet in my lap as we laugh and make mystery science theatre 3000 like sarcastic comments to what we’re watching, I miss the deep conversations, I miss parenting together, I miss thinking about and buying her little unique gifts that I know she would love.  I also miss seeing her naked and giving her a good hard pounding. That part I didn’t include though.