#she probably couldnt give a fuck less about anyone in the car

[angelicutz]

Weaponised autism

Fifi belongs to: @thefelinerouge

[isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser]

god im so fucking sick of people telling me theyre so proud of me for taking in my little sister like this is fucking easy in comparison to everything like the moment i tell them it isnt hard for me cause i used to be a full time nanny they go "well still at your age its different" like yeah and it was different when i used to give my mom baths when she came home completely shitfaced when i was 10 but you didnt see me fucking feel bad for myself or anyone tell me how proud they are of me even my mom ignored it and didnt acknowledge the factg that i took care of her more than she ever raised me LAST FUCKING WEEK but i cant be annoyed i just have to smile and go thank you im so young and naive and then they give me unsolictied advice and tell me im so strong like holy fuck die die die die and i feel so bad because this week ive been so fucked cause of work and my little sister is gone from her friends and i got enough money to pay 10 dollars for tickets to see this movie she wanted to see cause she lost her childhood dog yesterday (and i know its probably dead but when she asks me i say god is with it and keeping him safe) and i thought here i can cheer her up and then my car got stuck and then i was sitting there for an hour trying to dig it out and some guy comes up and tries to help and then he just goes well its stuck good and i start freaking out and he says that its not a big deal and i need to calm down andd i nearly fucking went nuts on him i just told him to fuck off that he doesnt know me i didnt ask to raise a child right now i had plans and dreams and i cant even fucking be mad theyre all being ruined because its not like i had the willpower and discipline to really see them through anyways and im just so fucking mad right now and i feel like ive been so mad ive just been hiding it and im so fucking mad at everyone i know and im mad at myself now my mom only calls me when shes asking for money and all my friends say you cant blame yourself about the hospitalization like you were going to kill yourself and its like no matter what i do i wasnt good enough for my little sister because now we are broke as fuck and all my friends are throwing a fucking pity party for me that makes me want to kms cause the only way i know how to feel useful (which up until this point i felt very useful because i was the sole provider for my family) is by giving money and the moment i gave a shit about my self my entire family got evicted and everyone in my life just turned the other way. MY BROTHER who fucking molested me just ignores me when i beg him to help not for me (hes never given a shit about me ive always just been some cum rag to him) but for our siblings but he ignored me and his fucking wife has the balls to like my family photos on xmas with me and my papaw and my little sister fuck them fuck them all fuck everyone i know what a bunch of assholes. everything i do now is for her. and everyone keeps trying to convince me to take my sister away from my mom.

theyd sooner traumatize my sister more than try to actually help my family. im so fucking sad and i cant even donate my plasma just to make ends meet because i have fucking PTSD AND IM TRANS and they have to get signed off otherwise what?? i might contaminate their fucking plasma ppool with my peepee genes??

and im this close to just doing sex work to get by im so fucking mad and i dont want to ask for help i just want to do things right and none of this is fucking fair but its even less fair for ema cause she tries so hard to be happy buut i know shes so sad. and i was so overwhelemed and freaking out i had a tantrum because things didnt go according to plan and that guy just stared at me and left and i realized im always going to be alone like this but the least i can do is do something for her and i cant even do that and i was so mad i couldnt hug her and i felt bad but i just needed alone time but now shes alone and i dont know what to do because i just need to be alone but i cant have her be sad and she just wanted to see this movie and they wont refund me and im so fucking mad and god. god is the only one even here for me. everyone else left cause i got "too much" from drinking or i was "tgoo mean" or i just act weird or i am too distant or im too needy and honestly i dont think i care about anyone anymore. im so fucking empty and im so fucked up that the only people i can get off to are people who look like my brother and i fucking hate him. and i want to tell him soo bad that i remember everything. i remember when he used to kiss me when i was asleep in highschool cause i wasnt sleeping i was just too scared to move. and i remember when he left for 5 years i thought it was my fault for not taking the hint and letting him have something romantic with me wit hmy fucking brother. and now i cant have a normal realtionship without having panic attacks in bed and freezing up and dissassociating and everyone thinks its so funny because i havent had sex and its like bro who the fuck would want to after that. god i fucking hate everyone right now

[rodent-king-buunii]

Since Serial Experiments Lain is a short series + im watchin it w/friends ill do a run through of the episodes cause i have thoughts on nothin.. Thats it.

TW: death, suicide, drug use, murder

Episodes 1-4 GO!!

Episode 1:

「i-- don't want to exist in a place like this」//fuckin jumps//

Girl same

Damn Lain is sick of this world + all in it but.. Damn her classmate ust fuckin died, was told this information + couldnt care less honestly. Like she didnt understand, not that she didnt care.

NOW THE MOM COULDNT GIVE 2 SHITS LESS OF A FUCK ABOUT THIS DEAD GIRL SENDIN EMAILS TO HER KIDS-- FUCK

I love Lains bear wear :> the hat then the onesie, girl look comfy af

Her vision blurring + fading the way it does makes me think shes just fuckin blind…

Bitch clipped out of the shot, no fade, full clipped out of shot-- love that

Episode 2: [V/empty episode…]

Dude ate a fuckin bug + can now see the matrix wtf?

Lain has a child-like thought process about her.. Like shes not all there? I don't know if shes stunted or maybe just… i don't know?

「EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED」

I see dead people --Lain probably

FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT THE MOM WAS CHEATING-- it was only the dad

Damn lain is so robotic..

O SHIT JUILIE DOWN

Dude is fuckin spazzin about the wire n a g*n…

+ he shot his own throat…

Episode 3:

The dialogue in this show is.. Kinda bad

Girl is trippin over here…

Shes slippin

People are all on this “The Wire” thing + trying to get her to join

He say he don't know but the dad know somethin…

This black car has these red lasers that keep following her

She goes back to the club where this guy killed 2 people then himself + some guy recognized her “youre pulling that school girl look”

What's happenin..?

The kids recongnized her + the boy tried to call at her… he said hed seen her on The Wire but her personalities were like night and day…?

This mom couldnt give 2 shits less about anythin happenin but the sister cares..

Lains acting mad weird in this episode

Episode 4:

The parents know somethin + arent sayin anythin to anyone wtf…

Dude.. hes goin through horror movie levels of fuckery.. End him already

Was the little girl not a little girl?!

I like that Lain has friends now, by accident

She seems more human but like if a computer was a human not a.i but somethin like that

Sick everyone is just fuckin nuts

A guy is bein tormented by a game + tryin not to get killed by a floating little girl.. Will he make it? HE DO! The ghost girl whatever the fuck does not-- SHE WAS AN ACTUAL CHILD O FUCK

All the guys Lain talks to sound fuckin drunk… or like cartoon stoners.. Shaggy + Jude types

The dad is fuckin.. Let her join her cult in peace man >:/[/j]

Why wont Lain come here?

These 2 fuckin disco headed ass men in black mfers aare annoyin our girl

SHE FUCKIN W SHIT W HER MIND

TF?!

Death Count

7[?]

Overall thoughts so far… this is some Perfect Blue type shit.. You don't know what's real vs what's fake.. I like it, its slower than Perfect Blue but its a series + involves more people..

||P2||P3||P4||

[im-justso-bored]

Time for week 2 of clown theories and analysis

S3E02 - Management Sucks

So first shoutout to Sandra, Jodie, and Fiona for this episode. many different highlights from each of them this episode which i’m going to elaborate on below

Eve at the funeral was hilarious, Sandra did such a great job here. Eve is just completely spiraling, it’s such a change from seasons 1 and 2. not to say she wasn’t a mess then but she has definitely lost her composure which you see a lot of in the first half of this episode. I think they did a great job of showing that even in just small ways like when Carolyn is trying to speak to her at the restaurant and Eve throws her coke into the plant. you just tell how over she is of Carolyn’s bs and how she doesn’t give a single fuck anymore. Sandra has done a really good job of portraying that so far this season. That is to say, up until she found out Villanelle is back and active again. It seems that it wasnt just Kenny’s death that ignited that spark within Eve again but also finding out about V. it wasn’t until after she spoke to Carolyn that she started agreeing to look into Kenny’s death and collaborate with the Bitter Pill team and then later on Carolyn. 

Also can we talk about Eve’s reaction to finding out about V? Notice how she’s just been going through the motions, numb to everything, but has such a reaction to finding out about V? Like, she isn’t even noticeably bothered by her whole situation with Niko or what happened with him and his trauma. You can tell she’s bothered by Kenny’s death but not enough to break out of her habit of drinking and drowning out her feelings. it took Carolyn telling her about V for her to finally feel something again and not try to bury it. and then just like that, we have Eve back by the second half of the episode ready to risk it all again for the woman who shot her lmaooo y’all can’t tell me Eve isn’t some kind of gay

I really enjoyed the many mentions of Eve in conversations between Villanelle and others like Dasha and Felix. and then of course at the end with Konstantin. i couldnt help but notice how V avoided answering Dasha’s question “so you don’t think about her?” with saying she “dealt with it”. seeing her really empathize with Felix was nice. i don’t think i liked the whole Felix part of the episode, i feel like it was a bit pointless, maybe? i enjoyed watching it but i didn’t see the point in it. like i get that the Twelve want her to show that she can be responsible and whatnot but Felix was there one minute and then I blinked and he was dead, it kind of made the whole thing seem out of place and just thrown in there, there was just no real depth to it. 

V’s reaction to finding out Eve is alive was just perfect. you can tell she went through so many emotions in that short span of time which i imagine is overwhelming for her after spending months thinking Eve is dead. this scene perfectly represented that and Jodie did a great job here as well. they’re both so uselessly in love with each other and i cant

Probably the most interesting character so far this season is Carolyn. Carolyn is a complete 180 from seasons 1 and 2 after having the rug swept from under her by her job and now by Kenny’s death. we’re seeing a more vulnerable side of Carolyn which is rare. the scene in her car was just perfect, you can tell that she’s really at a loss and doesn’t know what to do. I find it interesting how earlier in the episode she says that she doesn’t believe in distractions but her actions contradict that all episode until she is finally out of the distractions and forced to begin to confront her feelings. working with Eve will be a welcome distraction for her. i am curious about what she said when Eve came over though, “in the field, when someone dies, they can fuel you in a good way. But this is different.” is she saying that it’s going to consume them instead, perhaps? i wonder what the working dynamic between her and Eve will be like now. will they be equals? will Carolyn continue her shady behavior? Whatever happens, I imagine that Eve will be less likely to fall for any of her bs

I’ve seen the theory floating around about Konstantin being Geraldine’s father and I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention this but did anyone else connect on Konstantin said he was getting the magnet for his daughter and we all thought it was either Irina or V but then he gave it to Geraldine instead? Was he referring to her as his daughter and did he always intend on using it as a mic and giving it to her? If so, then it looks more likely that he killed Kenny, knowing that Geraldine would travel to London for his funeral. They’re setting it up to make it look like Konstantin killed Kenny which makes me want to think he didn’t. what do you guys think? also was Konstantin telling the truth when he said he never stopped working for The Twelve? 

Also just to throw this out there real quick, i don’t trust Dasha and her sudden interest in Villanelle. i think Dasha has an ulterior motive when it comes to V. Either that or the Twelve do and they’re using Dasha to execute that. 

Overall the episode was pretty good. The acting was exceptional and i can see things were set in motion for it to pick up next episode with Eve and Carolyn and the interaction between Eve and V!

[angrylizardjacket]

always been close {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: okay i LLOOOOVe your Ben hardy/roger taylor fics and i was wondering if you could write more of them? I don't have a particular request (anything you write will probably be fantastic) but i do really like a smug or cheeky roger taylor.... so do what you want with that...

Anon asked: Could I request a Roger Taylor x reader fanfic where they’ve been good friends for years,the other members know the reader too but one day the hook up and the other members notice that something happened between them and at the end they somehow end up together.I want a lot of shocking reactions from the boys as I live for them.You don’t need to write it if you don’t like the idea.But thank you ! 💗

A/N: 2870 words. Me, cramming as many prompts into a singular trenchcoat and shoving it out into the world: are you not entertained?! also.... like, light to medium smut..... i might start writing all out smut. Not exactly what was asked for, but it was a fun time. Jealousy warning as well.

“So how do you know Rog?” Deacon smiles at you when you offer to help the boys pack up after their first show, it’s a kind smile, a smile you can trust. Brian and Roger like him well enough, and you at least trust Brian’s judgement enough to be friendly to their new bassist.

“I don’t.” You tell him, straight-faced as you haul the bass drum into the back of van. Deacon’s expression turns confused as Roger passes you another piece of equipment. Looking the newest band member directly in the eyes, you double down on the bit. “I’ve never met this man before in my life.” 

“I’m getting a beer, you want your usual?” Roger calls to you, and you turn back, making a face at him. “I’m done packing up, Brian’s the only one left.” He responded to your nonverbal complaint by making a flippant gesture to the guitarist, who was clicking the last of the latches shut on his guitar case. “Drink?” He asked you again, and instead of answering you just beamed at him. Poor Deacon just looked confused.

“Pay them no mind, Deaky.” Brian said, sliding his guitar case in the back beside the bass. “It’s a blessing they’re even coherent half the time.” Brian, exasperated, turned to you. “How’d you meet Rog?” He asked, voice flat as if it were a question he’d asked a hundred times before, and you looked back at him.

“He killed me in a past life and I’m biding my time for revenge.” You responded, expressionless, to which he shook his head.

“That’s a new one.” He would give you that much, before turning to John. “Y/N and Rog grew up together.” He said by way of explanation, speaking over the top of Roger shouting from the door that they’d run out of your favourite drink, but that you could share his beer if it came to it.

“You drink piss-water and I can see mine in your hand.” You accused, while Roger leaned down, his lips at the rim of the glass that held your drink.

“These are both for me.” Somehow, he thought the best course of action was to take a drink from the one obviously for you, slurping the top of it obnoxiously. 

“Children, children, get in the car.” Freddie called over the top of you both, and you took the opportunity to snatch your drink from Roger’s hand, spilling it both on him and yourself, though you still thought a crow of triumph was warranted.

“So how do you know Roger?” The girl he’s brought along to the band’s first album recording is pretty enough, dark hair, cute shorts. She smiles at you and it’s all teeth, something a little bit nasty and insinuating in her tone. It takes a moment for you to suppress your eyeroll, you’d dealt with this before any girl who was into Roger seemed to see you as competition, and as flattering as it was when the two of you started hitting the town together, it was wearing thin now.

“I’m his personal bodyguard.” You tell her, and the girl purses her lips, but doesn’t say anything else. Mary hides her laughter behind her hand, and drapes her other arm against the back of the sofa, an open invitation for you to lean against her and watch as the boys set up in the other room.

They record for hours, trying everything and anything, experimenting with everything they had, making music, dancing, living electrically for the time they had in there. The woman he’d brought takes most opportunities to throw herself on him, dance with him, keeping it relatively tame for present company, but you knew the look in his eyes, and in hers. 

The last take of the night is when her thinly-veiled jealousy shtick is wearing thin on you, and you leap up after his final recording session, jostling the sleeping Mary where she was lying on your lap, running to him. Wrapping your arms around him, you let him spin you around in elation.

“That was good! That was so good, wasn’t it, Y/N?” And he’s glowing with excitement, eyes only for you. You answer in kind, gushing about the music, how excited you were for it. There’s triumph running through your veins when the other girl has to clear her throat to get his attention. He went home with her, but you still feel victorious.

It’s a feeling you’d always experienced, since you were young; at first it was only the two of you, both of you going to the same high school a district away, not knowing anyone. But Roger had a magnetism to him, and an aggression that brought in a certain type of person. You weren’t lonely, no more than any other high schooler, but for all yours and his friends, you both made damn sure to stay best friends.

It continued into university; he’d brought you in to meet the band at the first gig, and they took to you immediately, so you kept coming, would help them pack up, make yourself indispensable, earn your place as Roger’s best friend in this world he’d cultivated around himself.

And now here you were, the final gig before he and the others officially drop out to become serious musicians... Or, there you were, because after half an hour of drinking and throwing peanuts at Roger and the girl he was with - who had said the band was shit, though the drummer was cute, while in the bathroom - Roger had dragged her out to the car he had managed to scrape together enough cash for.

“Roger?” Now you’re just tired, lying in his bed, wearing his shirt. “Why’d you bring me back here? I was a dick to you, to-” you can’t remember the name of the girl he was with, but she was just trying to have a good time, you know you shouldn’t have-

“Stop talking.” He yawned as he walked into the room, wearing his pyjamas shorts and drinking from a half-filled bottle of water. When he sense you’re about to say something else, he puts up a hand, eyebrows raised at your possible defiance, and you close your mouth, sulking.

Climbing into bed with you, the two of you shift automatically, your head resting on his chest as he wrapped an arm around you, looking up at the ceiling. The two of you hadn’t shared a bed like this in years.

“Sorry.” You find yourself murmuring as he strokes your back, well, as much as he can with half of it being used as part of your pillow.

“Why’ve you gotta be like this?” He sighed, but you just tucked up closer to him.

“I thought we weren’t talking about it.” Voice low, you feel a quiet, self-deprecating laughter rumble through his chest, and his hand comes to rest at your hip, fingertips brushing against your thigh where his shirt ends. You’re waiting, holding your breath to see what he would do. You know he’s looking at, can feel his gaze on your face, but he doesn’t stop, fingers moving slowly just beneath the fabric of the shirt to your underwear. His thumb slides beneath the elastic, and finally you look up at him. He’s so serious, God, you could cut the tension with a knife, and it snaps as he does, pulling the elastic of your panties up in one quick flick and letting it snap against your side. 

“Ow! That hurt, you asshole!” You laugh, shifting to prop yourself up on your elbow, but he’s already pulling you down for a kiss, grinning against you lips. It feels like it should. You fit together easily, his hand moving to keep your hips steady as you shift automatically to straddle him. “You’re such a dick sometimes.” You pull back, still grinning, lips still only inches from his. He raises his eyebrows pointedly at you, and you’re pretty sure there’s nothing hotter than Roger’s smug fucking face, as he then proceeds to graze his nails up your thighs, kissing you to swallow the whimper that escaped you.

It feels like it’s been a long time coming. It’s fun, but its not unfamiliar; you’ve known each other for so long it’s like it’s a natural progression. You can read each other like a favourite book, somehow instinctual and a little awkward, which is, well, it’s perfectly you two. 

“You know what? I don’t think I’m actually sorry for cockblocking you tonight.” You mused, a little out of breath, shooting for serious. Though it takes Roger a moment to process what you said, he grins up at you, gently poking a spot on your inner thigh where he knows a hickey will bloom.

“Maybe should thank you.” He snorts, which only goes to set you off laughing again. The sound of it, warm, syrupy and at ease, it makes him grin, proud of being able to illicit such a genuine laugh from you in this situation, and soon you’re pulling him up to kiss him again, still thrumming with laughter.

No-one notices at first. Well, to be fair, you and Roger are weirdly touchy, so if he’s pinching your ass more than usual, no-one seems to care enough to comment on it. Well, you notice, but you couldn’t care less. Things between you have shifted; not gotten weird or bad, just shifted sideways. Roger’s still sleeping with any practically any girl that throws herself at him, and you’re free to hook up with anyone and everyone you like, but sometimes... you just find yourself together at the end of the night.

One night, the girl he’s talking to at the bar gives you a catty look when he’s not looking. She saw the two of you come in together, never mind the cute guy who had been buying you drinks for the past hour. Excusing the poor guy who you know is now probably going home alone tonight, you make your way to the bathroom, leaning against the wall beside it, watching Roger and waiting until you catch his eye.

He frowns slightly at you, but you just nod towards the bathroom and raise your eyebrows in silent question. It’s almost comical how fast he leaves the girl at the bar. When she follows his trajectory with her eyes, she sees you waiting; you wink at her, the grin on your face stretching into something smug as Roger wraps his fingers around your wrist, pulling you into the bathroom. Mine. 

It’s not like you do that every time you go out together, just if you get bad vibes off whoever he’s with, or if she makes a face at you like you’re some sort of competition... which you are, but you don’t want to seem like it.

The thing is, Roger does it too, he’s just a tad more possessive. Sometimes he’s subtle, mentioning to you and whoever you’re with that you had to go; band rehearsals early the next morning, even though it was usually a lie. Your favourite, however, was the night you both went to a dingy little pub with a jukebox rather than a band, and the guy who had been plying you with alcohol had come back from the bathroom with a grin. You were tipsy, feeling on top of the world with this stranger’s hand on your thigh, when out of nowhere, Roger’s arms wrap around you, warm and familiar.

“You right there, mate?” The man at the bar had snapped.

“He called you a ditzy bitch in the bathroom.” Roger had murmured against your ear, low enough so only you could hear, and in your liberated state, you were ready to yell at the man, though the man had enough yelling of his own to do.

“Alright, you wanna go, mate?” He growls, standing, and your smile turns poisonous as a new thought occurs to you.

“Yeah, Rog, do you wanna go?” The soft, amused nuance in your voice conveyed such a different message that it was laughable, you turn your head to rest your forehead against his where he’s perched his chin on your shoulder. The man at the bar deflates a little as you lose interest in him, and Roger’s smile widens. 

“Sounds like a plan.” She mine. It’s there in his eyes, the way he keeps an arm around you as you leave the bar, you feel it thrumming through him as pulls off your shirt in the back of his car.

Sometimes you head to bars with the boys and Mary, sometimes they still play pub gigs, and yet they still don’t seem to realise. Or, most of them don’t seem to realise.

“You and Roger are hanging out a lot.” Mary smiles at you, a glint of mischief in her eyes as you watch the boys complain about trying to fit their gear in Brian’s stationwagon. 

“Of course, he’s my best mate.” Shrugging noncommittally, you hear Mary hum, unconvinced. Shooting her a suspicious look, she just shrugs in return, mimicking your own dismissive gesture. 

“You want me to give you a lift home?” As if to prove Mary right, Roger calls out to you, pulling out his keys. You can feel Mary’s pointed look, and your expression falters, shaking your head with a smile, though your heart’s not in it.

“No, I-” you start, but then the rest of the band is looking at you, “there’s someone at the bar.” Gesturing over your shoulder awkwardly, you give them all a strained smile and head back inside. Catching Roger’s expression, he actually... looks hurt, and a little jealous, though he covers it up quickly.

“Can I ask you something?” The pub’s doors closed behind you, and you’re fully intending to stumble into a taxi when a voice is heard behind you. Whipping around and almost losing your balance, you spot Roger, leaning against the edge of the building.

“Do not sneak up on me like that Rog.” You admonished him, reaching an arm out to him for support, and he’s there automatically, wrapping his arm around you. 

“What are we doing?” It’s actually snowing outside, and you’re tempted to say freezing my ass off, but he seems serious.

“Fuckin’ around.” You mumble, turning to wrap both your arms around him. “You’re my best friend.” Voice dreamy, you feel it when his arms tighten around you.

“Best friend.” He repeats, quietly, and you hum thoughtfully for a moment.

“Mine.” The word is firm as you speak it, and he leans back, eyebrows furrowed.

“What does that mean, Y/N?” He asked, and with the distance between you, he watches as snowflakes drifted about, settling on your closed eyelashes.

“Means I hate that you fuck other girls, Rog, but you’re my best friend and an adult so you can do what you want.” It takes you a moment to get the full sentence out around your vaguely uncooperative tongue, but when you open your eyes, he’s smirking at you.

“There was no guy at the bar.” It was a statement rather than a question, but you snorted with laughter anyways.

“’course not, you knob. Mary was getting suspicious though.” You told him, and he had to muffle a laugh at that. After a beat, you raise your eyebrows at him. “And yet, Roger, you walked all the way back here and waited until I was kicked out to spend time with me.” 

“Yeah, well, gotta look after what’s mine.” 

“Those look fresh.” Mary poked at the hickey on your throat, commenting loud enough for the boys to hear as the two of you draped yourselves across the sofa in the rehearsal room. Giving her a shit-eating grin, you can see Roger’s own wicked smile where he’s tweaking his drum kit. 

“That’s because they are.” Swatting her away, you pulled a magazine from your bag, flipping it open.

“So the boy at the bar-?” Mary giggled, shifting to read over your shoulder, though you weren’t paying attention to the words.

“Oh no, this is all Roger’s work.” Shooting for nonchalant, you can hear the others stop their tuning as Roger continued to set up. Looking up, you can see Mary grinning out of the corner of your eye, Brian looking like he was quickly forming a headache, John frowning into space, deep in thought, and Freddie looking between the two of you.

“How long’s this been going on?” He asked, seemingly still unsure about the nature of the relationship.

“A while.” Roger supplies, which John echoes as a question.

“Year, maybe?” You look to Roger, for confirmation, and he shrugs, making a noise of vague confirmation. Brian finally unfreezes where he’s got his base in one hand, and other pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What the fuck, guys?”

[lukebaker-archive]

Road To Hell .

Date: Saturday, January 2020 Key:  TW Drug Relapse , @dallas-micheal Sober/Clean: 0 days.

Luke: Everything was still, but Luke's mind had been racing. The days and nights had melted together and no matter how fast the world was moving around him, it felt as if his body was glued to the car seat. His nose was on fire, dry, but craving for more substances to inflame his nose was all he needed. Reaching for his phone, he grunted to himself. No service, no drugs. "Fuck." Luke forced himself up, his pulse rising, the world spinning, and the only thing he could think of was his cravings. That was when the lightbulb hit him. Luke forcefully pulled up the floor liner on his passenger side, a small plastic baggie with white powder taking over his thoughts. Within the next seconds, his body went into autopilot, drawing the line and praying for some kind of comfort to avoid the withdraw.

Dallas: It was odd when his right hand didnt answer his texts. Even more odd when he wouldnt answer his calls. Dallas left a few messages for Luke, letting him know Becky was on the lookout and everyone was wondering where Degrassis resident playboy had went. He knew if Luke wanted to be found then the boy would let people know of his presence. "Im gonna head for a walk," Dallas called out into the abyss of the Torres home, knowing someone heard him before he left. Ever since the Vanessa drama, and not having Luke around to discuss and distract. He was left to his own devices, and going for a walk seemed like his best and favorite option. It had been about half an hour when Dallas decided that he should probably head back home, but as he turned the corner to go the back route home, a familiar sight caught his eye. He would've recognized that car anywhere, but why was it in this neighborhood. As he started walking towards the car, he realized someone was in the car. "Luke!" He called out as he neared the same the vehicle

Luke: He could hear his name in the distance, but Luke was too transfixed in his own mind to let himself be bothered. His body relaxed into the chair, the numbness in his body grabbing onto his body. Luke had missed this feeling. The world was quiet. The fighting in his head had finally silenced and he was safe inside his own head, but it would come at a cost. First he had images of Fiona at first to comfort him, to carry him into safer dreams, but he knew better than that. The safer dreams needed to erase Fiona, Becky, anyone who mattered for that fact to fully feel everything. All he had was darkness, that's what he wanted.

Dallas: He scrunched his brows when no one responded, he kept walking towards the car. He realized the drivers door was popped open as he got closer. "Luke," He spoke as he finally made his way towards the door. Eyes immediately training on the little baggie sat on the passengers seat. "Fuck," He spoke as he looked down at his friend, he knew all to well where the boy was in his high. He shook his head as he quickly grabbed the baggie and shoved it. He spoke quickly, trying to get eye contact with his friend. He was supposed to help this from happening, he tried to help the boy. And had done decently up until this point, or so he had thought.

Luke: The cool breeze threw Luke off as the figure was speaking out to him. He simply nodded I response to his best friend. Or at least what he believed was his best friend. Everything was bright and in focus despite the darkness of the night, but he couldn't pull his friends face or name from his mind. Only Dallas' voice was able to reach to Luke. A sniffle as he reached over to make another line. His eyes widen not being there. "Fuckin' hell. Where'd I put it," he whispered mainly to himself. "You got it right? You saw where it was?" His thoughts weren't on anything else but riding this high out. He felt his inner self screaming in the back of his mind, but the urge was too strong. "Come on, man. I just need one more bump."

Dallas: He shook his head at his friend, the boy barely knew what was happening besides his next fix. The boy was already high as a kite, "What you need is to move over so I can drive us out of this place," He stopped himself from calling the boy a fucking idiot. He knew the history, why it was his kryptonite. He understood the thrill of the drug, he was lucky to not get to the same point as Luke, at least with the ivory powder. "We'll go to my place," He didnt have his keys on him, but Luke was given a key to his place the day his mom met him. "We can chill there and Ill let you have all the bumps,"

Luke: "Just lemme get one more on the way there," Luke spoke erratically. He didn't feel in control of his body as he lifted out of the car. Instead of walking around the car, Luke forced himself into the back seat, laying on his back forcing to stare at the car roof. The drive wouldn't take long, but Luke didn't know that. He barely knew where he was right now and all he could focus on was the next line. "Lemme get just one before we get there. Just something small to keep the edge off."

Dallas: Dallas got in the car quickly starting it and pulling out, checking on Luke through the rear view, "You'll be fine, its a couple minutes. Do you know how long you been gone?" He quizzed, already assuming the boys answer. If it had been anything like how Dallas found him then he definitely didn't even know the time of day let alone day of the week. "I got some shit to tell you when we get there. As always its about Vanessa, I already know what youll say," He tried to discuss anything but the drugs, hoping it would at least distract the boy.It had been a while since he'd done anything, now Dallas was just wondering what ignited it.

Luke: Luke's face turned confused at the question. "Uh, depends? Is the dance still going on?" His brain was fuzzy with the timeline and he felt like he was forgetting something. Or someone? "Was I supposed to do something?" He hadn't thought he was gone from the Match Dance that long, but then again the amount of sunrises he had seen and forgotten made him think differently. "I always liked you and V. She smells like vanilla and made you less of a dick," Luke laughed to himself. "Your game was better too. Maybe it was the lack of V from V," he continued his laugh even distracting him from himself.

Dallas: Dallas furrowed his brows, remembering someone saying Luke left them at the dance, "Its about a week later buddy, and I think you may be right about forgetting someone. Cant remember who," He shrugged as he pulled onto his road, the familiarity hitting him immediately. Dallas couldnt help the chuckle that left his mouth, "She smells like vanilla with a hint of citrus, but only if you're close enough," He failed to mention the light leather scent she held due to the countless jackets she owned, and the lettermans she borrowed. "She always had twisted ways of getting me to focus," He chuckled lightly, before a frown over took his features, "Unfortunately, she needs time for herself," He sighed as he pulled into his driveway, parking the car. "I get it and all, but I just fucking got her back into my life,"

Luke: "A week?" Luke raised an eyebrow. The time couldn't have been passed through that much, could it have? "She needs time alone or you let her push her away?" Luke called him out. Luke didn't know much, but even in his mind he had clarity about things sober Luke didn't want to speak about. "Fi did something stupid when I let her be alone. Don't let it happen to her either. You don't wanna see her like that," he said lowly. The mention of Fiona shook Luke's head. He didn't want to think about her right now. Her face began flushing in his mind with disappointment and replaying the night before she was hospitalized. All that guilt and hurt circling back, fixating on his mind. "Fuck, gimme the baggie." Luke's voice more forceful. "I need it."

Dallas: "She just said she isn't herself and she inst that happy. She cant be with me if she doesn't know herself type of thing i guess," He turned as he heard the shift in Lukes tone. "You good? Whats going through your mind?" He could see a few different emotions crossing his face but couldn't make em all out. "Lets head inside," He got outta the car, making his way to the door to unlock it. If he got Luke inside first, it'll be a lot easier to keep him there for a bit of time. At least to try and detox him before bringing him home.

Luke: "And you just /left/? Sounds like a cry for help, but what do I know," Luke replied, chuckling. The laughter echoed in his head even though he had stopped being audible with it. He just needed a sound to get Fiona's image out of his head. "Just give me my damn drugs." Luke's voice was aggressive as he leaned up from his the backseat. Against his own mind, Luke's body followed Dallas' words only for the powder he was holding. He was hard on his feet, heavy in his steps as he made his way to the Torres' residence. The last thing he needed was a lecture from Audra so he remained quiet without being told sold. Luke's sniffling had become heavy now, "I did what you asked. Draw me a line, would'ja."

Dallas: "I didnt know what else to do Luke. The love of my life was telling me she couldnt be with me and I panicked. Shes the only girl ive ever loved and honestly more than likely will ever love," He thought about Lukes words, he knew he needed to eventually talk to her about the situation. But he also assumed she wanted her space for a little bit, and honestly he needed his too. Dallas sighed as he pulled the baggie from his pocket. "How bout I indulge with you? A little bro bonding,"

Luke: "Look, dumbass, the love of my life told me the same thing. I left her alone and next thing i knew she had drank herself to the bottom of the staircase. I'm not letting you make the same mistake," Luke spoke trying to reason. All he could see in his mind right now was Fiona in that hospital bed and it was beginning to eat at him. He wanted to forget, he needed to forget. The drug must have been wearing off because he was beginning to see clearly again. The baggie made the "Yeah, yeah man. It'll help you forget her. Help us forget them both," he spoke quickly. It was beginning to hurt and at this point he'd say whatever. "You won't think about her or any of them, just one line."

Dallas: "So that's what really happened. I knew she didn't go to Paris," He shook his head as he took the baggie out of his pocket. Opening it, he glanced at Luke noticing him looking in the opposite direction before he "accidentally" dropped the baggie all into the carpet. "Fuck!" He said loudly trying to play it off as if the bag slipped. "They need to put fucking grips on these things,"

Luke: "Call your fucking girlfriend." Luke's eyes stayed focus on the bagging until he thought he had heard footsteps. In that quick second everything had turned red. The powder was completely on the floor and he was on his knees trying to pick any trace up. The rage grew on his face as he snarled up at Dallas. "You need to get me more! I can't... I can't go back," he rambled. "You gotta help me man. You gotta get me more."

Dallas: "Im sorry it slipped!" He had never seen the amount of anger on Lukes face as he had in that moment. He knew he couldnt go get him more, let alone leave him by himself. "Sit," He spoke calmly, pointing to the spot on the opposite end of the couch. "Do you think if I call her she'll actually answer? I did leave her in the middle of the a diner, " He silently begged that he would just forget, and focus on the conversation.

Luke: He could only sink into the seat, knowing the inevitable was coming. "Ask yourself the same thing, if she called would you answer?" he replied. Luke was stubborn and impulsive, but the one thing you couldn't say about him was he didn't know how to treat people he loved, well not in this mindstate anyway. "If you're gonna make me suffer, can you at least get me a beer to try and ride this?" It was a shallow statement, only needing him away from a quick moment so he can try to save everything that was on the carpet.

Dallas: "Fair point," He looked at his phone that was sat on the edge of the table. He had stopped himself many times in the past couple days from picking it up and texting her. "You think Momma Dallas has alcohol? Funny," He chuckled, after his dad went away his mom decided that alcohol was the reason, and no more would be allowed. "I may have a bottle of vodka in my room if you wanna go check," He shrugged, " Not positive however," He grabbed the television remote, turning it on and switching the HDMI so they could use the PlayStation.

Luke: only shook his head, knowing he was going to have to find a whole new stash all on his own. His eyes just stayed focus on carpet, not even noticing Dallas turning his attention to the tv. He could feel the comedown happening, his mind leaving high alert and his body trying to avoid the mania that was coming. He leaned back into the couch, just ready tp let the suffering kick in.

[nikvs-blog]

pov rp: i try to wink at u but i close both eyes like jinsoul in this gif <3 SBJDWBDJWBDJ hello im xan im 22 & from the est timezone i use she / her pronouns & ur watching disney channel. is this super late ? yea...but thats super on brand for me its fine its fun its sexy so * jugkook vc* let’s get it !

— jung jinsoul. she/her. cis female. | was that niko seo i just saw in the hideaway lobby ? i hear the twenty-two year old spends most of their time working as a waitress, but i’ve always just seen them scribbling poetry on napkins. they live in 3A and i often see them in the halls. they always give me a vibe of making wishes on falling stars, silk ribbons adorning messy ponytails, and breakfast at midnight.

BACKSTORY

so miss niko was born in a teeny tiny suburban town in north carolina to a pair of  young high school sweethearts ! unfortunately her mom passed away during childbirth so it was a very bittersweet arrival into the world for baby niko

her dad was a mechanic who never made it to college since his girlfriend got pregnant towards the end of their senior year. they got married before niko was born though because they were pretty serious abt raising her right but they never really got the chance to /: but her dad loved his job he loved working with cars & it was something his own dad did before him plus it was a job the town really valued since it was so tiny ( u really only needed one of everything )

when i say tiny i mean everyone knows everyone tiny. growing up the town kinda pitied niko bc of her mom dying so to compensate everyone kinda tried to do their part in raising her ! her neighbors were just as much of a parent to her as her own dad was, and everyone had stories abt her mom so niko kinda appreciated how small the town was.....sometimes

that changed as she got older ! when she started high school her dad kinda entered a rough patch & started drinking more with his buddies, started working less, and niko started getting calls from the sheriff at 2 am like “hey we’re gonna keep ur dad for the night he didnt do anything crazy but he got a little too drunk u can pick him up tomorrow” sort of thing 

she was there for him every time but it got kinda overwhelming knowing everyone was in her family's business & how much kids would gossip at school or adults would give her sad looks

basically she kinda just....became very disillusioned with her reality & began to realize no one around her was really.....happy or had big dreams and their entire lives revolved around this tiny town which scared her

but also ? it had started becoming her life, too. she was voted prom queen senior year, she had a job at a diner where the same people ate everyday, she’d been dating the same boy for four years and everyone talked about how they’d probably get married soon. she’d become exactly like everyone else without even realizing it....she didnt have some big dream.....she didnt even have plans for college she was just so stuck

and then disaster hit the summer after she graduated high school. her dad had crashed right into a tree on a rainy night trying to drive home after a night out drinking & died on impact. the news honestly didnt feel real to her until her grandparents were helping her clear out her house so she could come move in with them 

which is when she finds her mom’s old diary ! and boy was that thing . fat & juicy ... it had all four years worth of her mom’s high school years inside and niko became ...obsessed with it. all she did that summer her dad died was read her mom’s old diary learning more abt the woman from those pages than she ever had from the mouths of everyone in her town

 thats how she found out her mom had always dreamed of moving to some city like seattle and starting this new life once she found out she was pregnant with niko ! so niko was like ok this has to be a sign....told her grandparents she loved them but she couldnt stay in north carolina.....and boop ! she pretty much disappeared from the town, didnt tie up any lose ends ( including her bf of four years who she was kinda engaged to ? JSDBJBDJ ) because she just had to leave that bad. 

cue a scene on bus with niko looking out the window as some dramatic song abt new beginnings plays . JSDBJSBDJW seattle was truly her new start at 18 ... and all she wanted to do was just ... reinvent herself 

so she did ! first thing she did was get a job as a waitress bc uh ur girl was BROKE broke but she knew she was good at serving. the first year was.....pretty rough there’s no sugar coating it niko was struggling bad, probably living in some questionable apartment when she wasnt coach hopping at her coworker’s places. despite all this she was....insanely happy she really believed ( and still does ) seattle is magic !

she was working at a diner ironically, just like she had been back home, but this diner changed her life about a two years ago. one day one of her regulars ( a very well off lawyer who worked downtown ) told her she was way too pretty and charming to be serving at a place like this & that he had a buddy who owned an upscale restaurant near his job downtown & that he could probably get niko a job there if she wanted

so she was like UH hell yes....showed up the next day at this fancy restaurant, charmed the pants off the owner, and the rest ? is history !  she moved into hideaways a bit after getting this new job & has been there ever since <3

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS

personality wise niko is kinda ....hard to figure out. she doesnt do it on purpose, she’s just still learning about who she is and what she really wants. back home in north carolina she was kind of the small town golden girl, loved by everyone type of deal but also very romanticized by those around her ??? ppl thought she was brilliant and knew so much about everything when the truth was she just knew a little about a lot. she would read to escape the suburban boredom of her reality & took a special interest in things like art and poetry and astronomy. shes the type to want to share the stuff she’s learned with those around her

in seattle since no one knew her the way they did back home, niko decided she wanted to keep it that way. because of this and because shes so hesitant to talk about her family sometimes she can come across as mysterious but she’s a surprisingly open person !! she’s naturally super curious and friendly and she’s found it really helps to be the kind of person people want to get to know and trust when working in the service industry. she’s got the type of aura about her that makes you feel as if maybe you’ve known her forever, even if she’s only told you one thing about herself ( which is often the case) . can probably make anyone feel at home within five minutes of talking to her & you won’t even realize how she’s doing it. her boss swears she’s charming enough to sell honey to a bee ! 

she’s also got a flighty side though that comes out when you get too close. niko’s great at relationships when they aren’t deep, but the moment you start and figure her out and see past the smiley walls she’s got up she recoils fast. in a way she’s terrified of anyone knowing too much about her because she’s scared that once they do they’ll pity her, and niko can’t stand being pitied. she’s also super good at dishing out affection but not so good at receiving it. the type to fall in love then right back out of love in one day. kinda a heart breaker bc of this but she doesn't mean to be, she just gets infatuated kinda easily & isn’t very good at keeping things serious ever since literally running away from her long-time ex in north carolina JSBCSJBDJW 

some fun facts: she wants to get a cat and name it cat so bad but she’s not sure she’d be a good pet mom so she just settles for petting stray cats in public. 100% that weirdo crouching in the street making kissy noises because she saw a cat and wants to pet it. she can name just about every constellation & loves to sit outside and look at the stars on clear nights, usually while smoking a joint . she’s a hardcore lightweight .... im talking one tequila shot and she’s floored ... two glasses of wine and she’s taking her top off  then crying kinda deal like she CANNOT handle her liquor so she tries to keep partying to a minimum. she’s got a collection of napkins from work were people have scribbled their phone numbers onto as well as a collection of napkins niko herself has scribbled on. she mostly writes poems and sometimes she even leaves a napkin with a poem on it behind at a table like a little gift for whoever sits there next. she’s probably always writing poems for all her friends or infatuations so if you’re in her life....you’ve gotten one at some point ! 

the only thing she brought with her from north carolina were all her records. she’s got a pretty extensive collection that ranges from donna summer to louis armstrong to led zeppelin & when she finally got a record player of her own in seattle it was probably the best day of her life <3 she really likes to watch scary movies but also they scare her so bad so it’s a cycle of oh yes lets watch this.....fuck why did i do that.....im sleeping with the lights on rinse & repeat. she really likes to cook ! she learned at a pretty early age out of necessity but now she does it for her own pleasure also because of her growing interest / knowledge in the restaurant industry. her wardrobe is 95% thrifted and 5% stolen from miscellaneous people ( her dad, old boyfriends, hookups, friends, etc. ) is a notorious hoodie thief so dont lend her yours......

and this is WAY too long im.....so sorry this literally always happens aha <3 yes i ramble but thats bc . i have a lot to say and i also have a lot of love to give ! spare some plots ? we can im on tumblr but i am 100% easier to reach on discord  @ EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172 so hit me up there & lets get this show on the road baby ! 

[tuba-d-toph]

Answer all 92?

Okay, sure

1:When did you lose your virginity? My 23 birthday

2: Rough sex or soft sex? I’m usually more of a softy

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? Not that I’ve found yet

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? Hmm... Probably this person’s bed who didn’t know we were staying there

5: Favourite sex position? This is probably weird... But the pancake

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? A mix of both

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? Just one (that I’d hoped wasn’t going to be one, but oh well I guess)

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? Bed normally, but also the floor if I’m trying to keep the noise down or couch if we’re feeling risky

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? Yep, in the car at an overlook at 2 in the morning

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? I think when I was a teenager haha

11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like? I don’t really have a preference, whatever the lady I’m in the situation with feels great in is just fine by me

12: How often do you have sex? Not regularly, it’s been a while

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Oh absolutely, but I doubt it’ll happen

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? I’ve received a lot more than I’ve given, but the person I was most involved with wasn’t that into receiving, so that’s skewed the results

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? I couldn’t finish the last time I did it and I think she thought she was the problem, but it was definitely shit going on in my head

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? I’ve never experimented here, so I’m not really sure

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? Same as above

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? I’ve never tried it, but I wouldn’t necessarily be opposed

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Hmm... I’ve done it in the shower, but want to try in the bath because there’d be a lot more stability

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? I’m not into revealing things like this, especially because they’re someone mutuals know and I wouldn’t want to out them like that

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? I haven’t, but I’m definitely interested

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? I don’t, but there are a few I’m intrigued by

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Oh definitely, more of the former over the latter

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? It’s tough to determine a best friend at this point, so I’ll leave this one up in the air

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink) Pee/take a shower, if we got hot and heavy enough

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? Knowing someone’s mutually interested in getting intimately involved with me

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Late night, I’m not usually an early morning person for anything haha

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Hmm... Speaking sexually, it’s always a toss up between the booty and boobs

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Ehh, n/a

30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: I’ve stolen a few things, oops... And a few of them being inappropriate things from people I know, so I could never let those be found

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: N/a

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] I mean, I made out with the last person I got a bj from after that act if that counts, it was just kinda a saltier taste haha

33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: If you’re wanting a baby together; otherwise I’d rather stay safe and worry less about the baby thing or disease

34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: Another thing I’ve not thought much about

35: Worst possible time to get horny: Probably a funeral

36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? Oh absolutely, but it’s also super fun when you have to be super quiet in an apartment so as not to attract the attention of your roommates in the living room, and you try everything you can to get each other to make a noise anyway

37: How much fapping is too much fapping: Eh, when it hurts I guess

38: Best sexual complement you ever got: “You’re so deep, babe” I haven’t gotten much else besides that

39: Favorite foreplay activities: Teasing each other until we can’t stand it anymore

40: What do you wear to bed? Usually just underwear, sometimes nothing

41: When was the first time you masturbated: Summer of seventh grade

42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? Not currently

43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? Just the once a couple of months ago, if car sex counts

44: Have/would you ever have sex in public? Oh sure

45: Have/would you ever had a threesome? This one’s been answered

46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? This would kinda reveal something from question 30 and I don’t wanna

47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? Lesbian sometimes, I’m more into solo things though

48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not) Oh definitely, it adds to the interest rather than just with intercourse

49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Fine by me, it’s their body, not mine

50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? If they’re comfortable with it, so am I

51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Probably syrup, that sounds like a terrible idea

52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Hmm, probably a prostitute, it seems like you’d have more options for choosing who you’re involved with there

53: Do you watch porn? Oh of course

54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Middle school was fucking awful, let’s just leave it at that

55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? Not usually, but I had to when I broke my leg, it was tough getting underwear over that x-fix

56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? If was really thick, probably. I hate getting my own hair in my mouth

57: If you could give yourself head, would you? No I don’t think so

58: Booty or Boobs? Always a toss up, but if I’m really forced to choose: booty

59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) Not physically, but I said some inappropriate things to a couple of people outside of a relationship in high school and I’ll never be proud of that

60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do? Think of the usual answers to this and those’ll probably be mine haha

61: have you ever watched someone masturbate? Oh yes, in a couple of situations

62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate? Same as above

63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? Yep, a few awkward times, and a few that played to each others advantage

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) Just my hand haha

65. What is your bra/penis size? Just shy of 6″ if you must know

66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? N/a

67. When was the last time you masturbated? Earlier today

68. When was the last time you had sex? April 29

69. When was the last time you watched porn? A week or so ago

70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? I haven’t and I’m not sure when I will if ever

71. Guys:Circumsized? I am

72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? In a sexual situation, my thighs or knees oddly enough

73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? The only one I have haha

74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? N/a

75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr? Oh yes

76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? A couple of weeks ago I think

77. Which wet dream was your favorite? The last one I had was definitely interesting, and it just happened to be about someone who doesn’t mind at all knowing (knew about this before talking to them about it haha)

78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? Oh definitely, there are a few

79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? Bonnie Wright and Maisie Williams are the first who come to mind right now

80. Favorite sexual position? Already been answered

81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? No

82. Are you into any BDSM? Not particularly, but I’ve never experimented

83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? Oh absolutely, there are quite a few and it’d take a while to get into

84. Do you like dirty talk? It depends on the situation. Definitely over text, but I get too anxious in person usually

85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? Quiet during both haha, much like my usual personality

86. Have you ever been interrupted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? Masturbation, yes. A roommate knocked on my door needing my attention

87. What kind of porn do you like to watch? Already been answered in a few above

88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? Yeah...

89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? A few times, but after we started having sex there wasn’t usually a night we weren’t together

90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? Yes just the one, and we still talk occasionally because we’re friends, but we’re becoming more distant lately

91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? I haven’t, but there’s someone who’s mutually interested at the moment but we’re too far apart currently to try anything

92. Ask whatever you want - N/a

[crystalninjaphoenix]

One Short Day

A JSE Fanfic

Yay, I wrote something that isn’t connected to pain for once in my life! Or at least, the most you get are hints and maybe a moment. I was planning on working on something else, but...I don’t know, I just felt like I needed something softer, and I’m sure there are people who need that too. So behold, an attempt at mostly-fluff! I just wanted to write the boys having fun out on the town, simple enough ^-^

It was rare that there was a full day they could all be together. A day where Schneep wasn’t working, Chase wasn’t recording, Marvin didn’t have a show, and Jackie didn’t have to bolt off at the last minute to do heroic vigilantism. A day where they could just do whatever they wanted, all of them, together.

They met up at Jackie’s apartment building. Naturally, JJ arrived first, then Schneep and Chase at about the same time. Just when they were starting to get worried, Marvin showed up, sprinting up to the group and skidding to a halt beside them.

“Late again, I see?” Jackie said when Marvin finally caught his breath. “Maybe we should just tell you we’re meeting thirty minutes earlier than we actually are.”

“Gimme a break.” Marvin rolled his eyes. “My phone was out of battery so I couldn’t check the time, then I got distracted.”

Jackie raised an eyebrow. “With what?”

“Um...” Marvin looked away, embarrassed. “I may have started playing Plague Inc...for an hour...or more.”

“Dude. Set a timer next time or something,” Chase said. “Ask JJ if you can borrow one of his watches if you have to, I dunno, anything.”

“Enough of this, we are wasting minutes,” Schneep said, checking his own watch. “Jackie decided what to do, what is it?”

Jackie immediately brightened. “Okay, so, we all know JJ hasn’t seen much of the town.” Everyone nodded. “So I thought we could give him the grand tour! Get lunch, go to the park, and I think the fair is open tonight so we can finish with that. That good with everyone?”

“So we’re just gonna walk all over town?” Chase asked. “Only two of us can drive, and none of us have a car right now.”

“Toughen up, Chase, walking’s good for you!” Marvin teased. “Right? Schneep, you’re a doctor, tell him I’m right.”

“He’s right,” Schneep said.

“See?!”

JJ snapped his fingers for attention. I thought we were wasting time? I certainly can’t lead the way, so I’ll ask one of you to.

“Right!” Jackie started off. “C’mon guys, lunch is waiting for us!”

They ended up at a local restaurant near the center of town called Kassie’s. It was a quaint little place, and since it was a warm day they decided to sit at a table outside. The chipper waitress gave them a plate of free fries, then took their order, and headed back inside.

“Is it just me, or is it kind of hot today?” Chase asked, fanning himself with some of the napkins.

“No, it’s not just you. God, I’m dying,” Jackie agreed.

“Jackie, you are not only wearing long sleeves, you are wearing two layers of them,” Schneep pointed out with a smile.

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Mr. Sweater-all-the-time!” Jackie rolled his eyes. “What about Jays? He’s got that vest/dress shirt on.”

JJ looked aghast. You four can run around and show your arms all you like, but I’ll have you know it isn’t proper for a gentleman!

“Are you implying we aren’t gentlemen?” Marvin asked, right before tossing a fry into the air and catching it in his mouth.

JJ raised an eyebrow. Indeed.

“I don’t care, it’s hot. I’m taking this off.” With a few flailing arms, Jackie pulled his hoodie over his head and tugged it off, revealing a Marvel-themed T-shirt underneath. “Ah. That’s better.” He looked around to see the others staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“Holy shit, Jackie!” Chase yelled. “Your arm!”

“Wh—oh fuck I forgot I was wearing short sleeves today.” Jackie looked down at his left arm. “Yeah, okay, I got scars, you can look all you want.”

“So that’s why I’ve never seen you in T-shirts,” Marvin realized. “Jackie, what the fuck happened?”

Jackie frowned, then coughed awkwardly. “Y’know...I’d rather not talk about it right now. Maybe later. Besides, Schneep already knows the story. ‘S how we met.”

“Honestly, you three are making mountains out of mole hills,” Schneep said. “Is fine now. You should see his torso, now those are scars.”

That only made the other three look more worried. Jackie sighed. “Look, guys, we’re having a fun day. We’re gonna have fun, and not gonna get all concerned, though I do appreciate it. And you—” he glared at Schneep “—need to stop saying that, ‘cause it makes it sound like I lost some epic battle instead of just having top surgery.”

Chase and Marvin relaxed in unison. “I’m still convinced you have, I dunno, fucking bullet scars or something,” Marvin muttered as Chase pulled the remains of the fries towards him.

“Oh yeah, but Schneep’s talking about the surgery. He’s done this before, and it’s no longer funny!” Jackie looked pointedly at Schneep when saying that last part, who just responded with a massive grin.

JJ was the only one who still looked concerned, but now that was paired with confusion. He looked around at the others. What is top surgery?

You could almost hear the hiss as the others all inhaled sharply in unison. They’d all forgotten for a moment that JJ didn’t know. Schneep cleared his throat. “Jackie, would you like to explain?”

“Right yeah. God, where do I start with this?” There was a slight pause in the conversation as the waitress returned with their food. The moment she was out of earshot, Jackie started up again. “Alright, so...” he leaned forward, hands clasped together, eyes wide and nervous. “You know how I call myself Jackieboy Man, right?”

JJ nodded. A moniker I never understood, but yes.

“Well, I didn’t always call myself that. Neither did anyone else. Because, well, they all thought that...I was a, uh, girl. Even I did. For the longest time I just sort of...accepted it. I only started to figure it out in high school. I got my first job, and one of the customers called me ‘that nice lady,’ and hearing it...just sort of surprised me. Like someone gave the wrong answer to a really easy test question. So...I started thinking, and eventually I realized that I wasn’t...actually a girl. That was when I renamed myself.”

JJ didn’t look any less confused. Why would they not understand that? Wouldn’t they be able to...see that you are not?

Jackie winced. “Well, no...you see, I...fuck.” Jackie put his head in his hands, took a deep breath, then looked up again. “I was born...in the wrong body. Top surgery is...it’s to get rid of the parts I didn’t want. Are you...are you getting this now?”

After a moment, JJ’s eyes widened. He nodded hesitantly.

“Okay. Good. Great.” Jackie sighed. “I don’t know if this word existed in the twenties, but nowadays we have ‘transgender’ as...a thing. When someone is something other than what their body is born as. I’m still a he. Or, just, anything but she, really. Literally call me anything but a girl. And please, don’t ask about what my name was before. Or what’s...down there. Those questions make me...really uncomfortable.”

My good man! JJ signed. Why would I do such a rude thing? And to my dear friend, nonetheless. 

Jackie’s shoulders slumped. He leaned back in his chair and exhaled in relief. He’d been dreading this conversation, but better to rip the bandaid off now. “Thanks, man. I...appreciate your understanding.”

JJ smiled. No trouble at all, Jackie! I may not fully grasp the concept, but that’s no reason to disrespect your wishes.

“If you want, I can answer questions. Just...later. And as long as you get I don’t represent everyone who’s trans.”

JJ nodded and gave a thumbs-up. There was silence for a moment, before Chase broke it by saying “Hey, guys, I made a Jenga tower out of fries.”

Schneep rolled his eyes, and immediately knocked over Chase’s tower.

“Aw you bitch!” Chase gasped. “You didn’t even play the game right!”

“Fuck your games. Actually eat the food like it’s supposed to be.”

“You’re just jealous cause you got a salad instead.”

“Maybe I am! Did you think of that?!”

“Dude, I just said I did!”

The rest of lunch was covered in the blanket of familiar banter. Jackie smiled to himself. God, he was so glad nothing changed.

About two hours later, the boys had made their way to the southern part of the city. That was where the park was. It had an official name, but everyone just called it “the park” because there was only one of them and it was shorter. The park itself was pretty big, with trees, paths, flowerbeds, and two playgrounds at either end.

Since it was the middle of the afternoon, there were quite a few families with young children hanging around, parents watching their kids climb all over the jungle gyms and pushing them on the swings. While Marvin and Jackie walked ahead, pulling JJ with them and talking his ears off, Chase and Schneep hung back a bit. Chase was staring at the families on the playground.

“Chase? Are you okay?” Schneep asked gently. 

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine. It’s not a down day.” Schneep gave him a Look. “No, really! It’s just...y’know, seeing all the kids kinda bums me out. You know?”

“Of course I do, Chase,” Schneep said. He was probably the only one of the boys who did. “If you are feeling upset, you can go home.”

“No! God, no, that’s not what I meant at all. This has been good so far. I don’t want it to end.” Chase frowned. “Now I’m just...man. I’m starting to lose it.”

“Chase.” Schneep grabbed his hand. “If you are not enjoying yourself, we can always go do something more quiet. We would hate to push you to do something you are not up to.”

Chase considered it for a moment, then shook his head. “Nah, it’s not too bad. It helps that you guys are here, I think. But I’ll let you know...if it gets too much.”

Schneep gave him a long look, before finally judging that everything was alright. “Okay. You have to do that, or I am going to break into your home at night and yell at you for lying.”

“Okay, okay, I get the idea,” Chase laughed. He looked down at their clasped hands. “You’re not worried people are gonna think we’re a couple, then?”

“What? Oh. Is there no such thing as regular hand-holding in this country?! Besides, it should not fucking matter. Also you are not my type anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re not mine, either. You’re a guy.” Chase and Schneep both had a good laugh at that.

Marvin looked over his shoulder at the two of them. “Are you two gonna walk fast or what?”

“Or what,” Chase said with a smirk.

“Oh, you’re hilarious. A fucking comedic genius. Hey guys!” he said that last part to Jackie and JJ. “We’re gonna slow down so these two assholes can join us.”

“Marvin, how dare you,” Schneep said, mock-offended. “At least be more creative in your insulting us.”

“No.” The two mini-groups merged together to form the main group once again. “So what’re you two talking about?”

“Chase is worried that hand-holding makes a couple,” Schneep tattled.

“Bullshit,” Marvin stated. Jackie went “yeah!” in the background. JJ frowned at the use of language, but nodded. “What makes a couple is the kissing. And romantic interest in each other, which leads to the former.”

“You say, having not been on a date in at least five months,” Jackie muttered.

“Shut your stupid face, you...lovely person.” Marvin pulled his wand out of his pocket and twirled it, like he did when he was nervous. “We’ve all been kinda busy lately.”

“Yeah...that’s true,” Jackie sighed. “But maybe if you went out more, you could find someone you could go out with. Just once, if a commitment isn’t your thing right now.”

Marvin frowned. “Why in the wide world of wingmen would I go on a date once deliberately?”

“A night of fun?” Schneep suggested.

“With a complete stranger that I have no interest in? No. I need to have some intrigue in whoever they end up being.”

“None of you are gonna get anywhere with him,” Chase said. “He doesn’t get one-night stands.”

“Damn right I don’t! There’s no point!”

And it just seems improper, JJ signed. If you aren’t going to court someone, don’t approach them at all.

“Marvin! You have an ally!” Jackie gasped. 

“Good. Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Marvin held up his hand and, after a moment of figuring out, JJ high-fived it. “Yeah! There we go, you got it!”

Jackie checked the time on his phone. “Alright, it’s starting to get a bit late. If we want to get enough time at the fair, we’re gonna have to book it to the eastern side.”

They didn’t actually run the whole way there, despite Jackie wanting to. By the time they got to the fair the sun was starting to set. They bought tickets and headed inside, where the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster towered over the smaller rides and the carnival games. It was a weekday, but it was one of the first days the fair was open, so the fairgrounds were crowded but not packed.

Chase gasped. “Games. We can do the games first.”

You do realized they’re all rigged, right? JJ asked.

“Who cares? They’re fun! Games now.”

Soon, the others started to suspect that the reason Chase was so eager to play games was because he knew he would win every time. The dude was scarily good. A combination of sheer luck, skill, and fuck-it-let’s-take-a-chance-ness led to many more victories than the others, something Marvin and Schneep immediately called him out for.

“You are cheating, I am sure of it!” Schneep huffed, folding his arms.

“Nah, just have a knack for it. And, in this case, practice.” Chase tossed one of the wooden balls back and forth while he waited for the carnival worker to hand him his prize. “Ya gotta aim for a bit above the spot where the third jug sits on top of the other two, then throw hard. It’s a bit of an arc.”

“No, you’re a cheater,” Marvin asserted, muttering darkly.

“Aw, c’mon! Here, will this make you less salty?” Chase accepted his stuffed prize from the worker, then handed it right over to Marvin. “I got it for you! You like cats.”

Marvin glared down at the plushie. “You’re lucky it has a cute face,” he said.

“See?!” Chase smiled. He was actually having a good time. It was a good change of pace from the park.

Eventually, everyone had a prize except for JJ. They were running out of games to play, but then Jackie spotted one of those ‘find the ball under the shuffling cups.’ “Hey guys, you up for that one?”

JJ brightened. I’m actually quite skilled at those!

“Well, then, let’s go!” Jackie pulled him over, the others in tow.

The carnival worker was calling out the rules of the game. “You get one, you win one of these lovely roses, you get two in a row, you win one of these tiny fellows here, and you get three in a row, you win one of these adorable penguins! Step right up, step right up!”

“Hey!” Jackie waved to get the worker’s attention. “We want to play!”

“Well then, young sirs, the rules are simple. Keep your eye on the ball, see right here, right here, it’s under the middle cup. Now watch as I take the cup this way, then that, then this and oh look at that! It’s goin’ fast, it’s goin’ fast don’t lose it don’t lose it! Now, which one is the ball under?”

Jackie was fairly sure he knew where it was, but he turned to JJ anyway. “So, which one?” he asked.

JJ bit his lip, then reached forward to point at one of the cups...only for the worker to slap his hand away. “I’m sorry sir, please don’t touch the cups. To prevent tamperin’, see? Just tell me.”

JJ looked a bit stunned at the worker’s aggressive tone. But he signed It’s under the left one.

“Excuse me?”

“He says it’s under the left one,” Marvin jumped in.

“...ah, I see.” The worker lifted up the cup to reveal the ball. “Seems you were right. Do you want to try again?”

The boys glanced uneasily between each other. The worker’s tone had dropped from the polite-carnival talk to one that was a bit...short. She was also talking much slower than she was before, drawing out the vowel sounds. “He can hear you perfectly fine,” Chase said. “He just can’t talk.”

“Mmm...I see...” The worker pursed her lips. “Do you want to try again?”

They all nodded. The worker was silent this time as she shuffled the cups, faster than before. When she stopped, she looked at Jackie. “Which one is the ball under?”

Jackie had a vague idea where, but he wasn’t sure. “JJ, do you know?”

The left one again, JJ signed, less enthusiastically.

“The left,” Jackie translated.

The worker frowned as she revealed the ball under the left cup. “You boys aren’t cheating, are you? Those weird gestures seem like symbols.”

Marvin laughed bitterly. “Yeah, they’re symbols alright. They stand for words. Do you not know how sign language fucking works? He’s telling us the answers ‘cause he’s the best one at it. Now let’s do this one more time.”

The worker shuffled the cups impossibly fast. Once more, she asked Jackie where the ball was. This time, he had no idea, and just looked at JJ. JJ, in turn, stiffened a bit, eyes hardening. It’s under the right one, though I wouldn’t put it past her to sneak it up her sleeve.

“Right,” all the boys said in unison.

The worker reluctantly lifted up the rightmost cup to show the ball sitting underneath. “Congratulations,” she said dully. “You win one of the big prizes. What color do you want?”

Turquoise, JJ signed. “Turquoise,” Jackie translated.

They walked away from the booth in silence. After a few moments of walking, Marvin said, “I could totally put a curse on her.”

“No,” Jackie said firmly.

“Just one little spell. She can lose her voice for a week.”

JJ shook his head, then tucked his prize under his arm so he could use his hands to sign. Revenge is never the best answer. 

“It’s what she deserves!” Marvin snarled. “She was making that difficult on purpose. I saw her, she was going much slower with the customers before us. JJ, I’m so absolutely sorry on her behalf, cause god knows she’s not gonna fucking apologize.”

It’s okay, JJ insisted. Believe it or not, I’ve faced worse, especially in my day. They were much less friendly back then.

“I am sure you are not using that word in the correct meaning,” Schneep mumbled.

Marvin shoved his hand into the pocket containing his wand. “One hex. Come on. Just one. I won’t even make her ears fall off or anything.”

Everyone refused to let Marvin curse the carnival worker, and he reluctantly relented. At this point, they’d finished with the games, and all that was left were the rides. They took turns, one or two of them sitting out to watch the accumulated prizes while the others spun and flew and then stumbled off the rides. After trying most of the rides out, they took a snack break for ice cream and cotton candy.

“I think the Ferris wheel is the only one left,” Jackie said. “Unless we want to catch that sideshow thing. There’s supposed to be magicians—”

“Fake,” Marvin interrupted.

“—clowns, animals, and they advertised a knife-thrower—”

Schneep nearly choked on his ice cream. “No.”

“Okay, got it. No show then.” Jackie nodded. “But I’m not too sure about the Ferris wheel. I know at least one of us is afraid of heights.”

“Yeah, uh, me.” Chase bit his lip. “But I think I’ll be fine if I don’t look over the edge. Unless someone else doesn’t want to go on it, then I’ll stay off with them.”

“I’m good,” Jackie said. “Schneep? Marv? Either of you scared of heights?” Both of them shook their heads. “Alright. JJ?”

JJ signed, A bit, but after all these dizzy rides, I’ll take something calm like the Ferris wheel, if you please.

“Alright. Guess we’re going on the wheel, then!”

Night had truly fallen by this point. The Ferris wheel wasn’t exceptionally tall, but it still rose above everything else in the fair, providing a fantastic view of the colored lights below. Instead of having the traditional two-person seats, this wheel had booths that could fit up to eight people, so all the boys fit into one just fine. The wheel turned, and the booth turned with it. Chase squirmed, resolutely not looking over the side. Jackie and Marvin did the exact opposite, practically leaning out of the booth to look down below.

JJ tapped Schneep, signing something real quick. Schneep nodded, then yelled “Can you two stop that?! You are going to fall out of the fucking side, and you are making Jamie nervous.”

“Oh, sorry.” Jackie sat back down.

“Aww,” Marvin groaned, but pulled back into his seat. “I hope you know I do this for you, JJ.”

JJ smiled. Thank you, it’s appreciated. And I’m sure your body feels the same way, having narrowly avoided a fall to great injury.

“Nah, I would’ve been fine.”

The wheel stopped. Their booth was right at the top. “Oh, fuck,” Chase muttered, covering his eyes with his hands.

“You know, you didn’t have to come,” Jackie said quietly. “We would’ve been alright letting you stay down on the ground.”

Chase peeked between his hands. “I know. But...it’s really nice up here. Quiet. And with just you guys. As long as I ignore the distance from the ground, I’m good. You’re my friends, you know, and you make everything better.”

“Oh, Chase,” Marvin gasped. “That’s...really sweet!”

“What? Didn’t think we where friends?”

“It’s...always nice to be reminded.” Marvin smiled softly.

Well then consider this your reminder, Marvin! JJ wiggled his mustache happily. I consider you all my friends, maybe even family. You are all wonderful people and I love having you in my life!

“Nooo, stop.” It was hard to see in the dark, only lit up by the lightbulbs on the Ferris wheel, but it was possible that Marvin was actually blushing.

“You know what? I love you guys.” Jackie grinned. “Not afraid to admit it! Best friends I’ve ever had.”

Schneep cleared his throat. “Yes, I feel the same. You are all great people, and I am fortunate to have met you. I...love you as well.”

“Aaaahck!” Marvin appeared to be trying to fold into himself. “Too much love! Fatality!”

Chase chuckled. “Marvin! Accept our love!”

We love you, Marvin! JJ signed eagerly. Now you have to say it back!

Marvin made a strange sort of groaning exhale before inhaling deeply, calming down. “Yeah...I—I love you guys too. God, I love you guys so much. You should all know that.”

“There we go!” Jackie said, triumphant. “Marvin, you are, truly, the emotionally constipated one. And I thought Schneep was the worst.”

“Excuse me?!” Schneep gasped. “I assure you I am very love-sharing. I just do not use words too much because they are complicated.”

“Understandable,” Chase shrugged. “I can barely speak half the time, and I was born in English.”

I thought you were born in Ireland, JJ signed, amused.

“Oh, you know what I mean!”

The Ferris wheel started lowering, stopping and starting as it let passengers off. The boys stepped out of the booth and onto land once again.

JJ yawned. I must say that I’m rather tired after all this. I think it’s time we go home.

“Yeah, I’m starting to feel it,” Jackie agreed.

“You all are weak!” Marvin countered. “I’m good for another couple hours.”

“Watch you crash immediately upon entering your room,” Chase laughed.

“Oh, shut up.”

“I think JJ is right,” Jackie said. “It’s time to go home.”

Schneep nodded. “Yes, I could stay up longer, but I have morning shift tomorrow so I should not push my luck. I will see you all later?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Course, dude!”

“Definitely.”

Count on it!

With that, they left the fair. Eventually they split up, each heading their own separate ways until they eventually got to wherever they were staying that night. Some went to sleep immediately, some stayed up a bit later, but eventually they all went to bed.

And when they decided to do it, none of them had trouble for once.

[babyshawwn]

Say It First (smut)

MASTERLIST

Word count: 5.6k.

I had just gotten off from yet another busy day of rehearsing with the guys for the up-coming tour around Europe and though I was excited to get back on the road again, I was feeling rather exhausted and a slight headache was beginning to nag me. 

As much as I loved what I did and my insane schedule was mostly fun to me, I couldn’t deny that working non-stop and traveling the world left it obvious traces on me when I forgot to relax once in a while as well. 

As Mike gave me a ride home, I was too tired to listen to his endless rambling about drumsticks and music, but I managed to nod at the right times and seem somewhat interested in what he was going on about. 

I stared out of the window as cars passed beside me in the dark while thinking about what the plans were when I got home. I was currently living with my best friend – since she had gotten kicked out of her dorm for smoking weed, which wasn’t really a surprise to me – but it was nice for once having someone around when I was home. 

I had known her for years and years and I guess she made me feel less lonely. Suddenly I wasn’t all alone with my thoughts, I actually had someone to share them with, someone who never seemed to judge me. 

Since it was a Saturday night, the chances of her going out with friends and dragging me along was rather high but I didn’t really mind it, though. Her friends were pretty cool and I always had a good time when being around them. 

And really, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. Alone or with others, it didn’t matter to me. I felt more comfortable when she was around, a little less tense and I lately, I’d been craving that feeling more than I usually did. 

Mike turned into the familiar parking lot as I reached for my bag, thanking him for the ride home before jumping out of the black car and headed towards my apartment. As I unlocked the front door and stepped into the hall, I couldn’t hear any signs of her being home. 

Sadly.  

No loud music, no chatting in the distant nor any noise from the tv in the living room. The lights were out too and her coat wasn’t laying on the floor, I noticed, since I wasn’t tripping over it on the way in as usual. 

She was great, rather messy but great. 

I figured she had already left for town, half drunk on a bottle of vodka with a friend in her arm, singing along to some indie song, I’d never heard before. 

A slight disappointment reached the surface of my stomach as I pushed the warm hoodie over my head and carelessly let it fall on the floor. Moving my head to each side, desperately trying to ease up my tense muscles, my ears suddenly caught a faint, unfamiliar, rather strange noise coming from the end of the dark hallway. 

At first, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but as I walked further towards the source of the noise, it sounded like a small sob coming from y/n’s room at the end of the hall. 

A sudden heat flashed to my cheeks as I realised it was a soft moan and the panic began pumping in my veins as the noises grew wider. 

Who was she hooking up with? That dude from last Friday night? Maybe the one from the Drake concert?

As I wondered about it, a sudden tug started in my chest and forced a sharp pain to spread within a few seconds. The thing was, I was completely smitten with her. I probably always had been. From when we met each other as kids, into our younger years starting school and all the way till now. 

I had always convinced myself it was a silly, little crush that would pass at some point but no, ever since she moved in and we practically spend each waken moment together, I found myself falling all in her. 

Her long, wavy hair and those warm eyes. The way she bit the tip of her fingernail when she was fully focused on something to the way her smile could light up a room when she walked in. She was without a doubt the most beautiful person, I had ever come across. And I was all about her.  

We had always been the complete opposite of each other. She was wild and adventurous and I had a boring habit of playing it safe and thinking too much. 

She just jumped into it without any regrets and I had always been insanely attracted to that side of her. 

Her spur of the moment decisions that either got her in trouble or ended up being another great story to tell. She had intrigued me at the beginning simply because she was everything I wasn’t and even after years of knowing her, she still took me by surprise, she still caught me off guard. 

And the way she acted around me, that was without a doubt the best thing about her. She was fun and always innocently flirting with me, her spontaneous ways and weekend get-aways made me feel young again, free. Maybe even a little careless. 

And the way she was always making sure I was okay and always made me feel better whenever life was hard to handle, I loved that about her. She always put other people before herself.

She had always been there, with absolute no judgement, she had always taken care of me when I was falling apart at three in the morning. 

One night, she had found me sobbing my eyes out on the floor in the living room and I had been terrified of her reaction to it, because I had never let anyone see my weak sides before. And all she did, was hold me. She held me to her chest the entire night, knowing it was all I needed her to do. She was and had always been my rock. 

And though all of this had been going on for years, I still had to suffer when she brought home guys and hooked up with them in the room next to mine. I still had to suffer when she asked me advise about guys or had me help her pick them up at bars and clubs. And I guess, I just did the same as her. To hide the pain. 

I’d never said anything, though. She would probably have a mental break down if she knew how I felt about her and our friendship would probably become too awkward or uncomfortable to deal with. 

She didn’t do boyfriends. Heck, she didn’t even do love. And she definitely didn’t do either of those things with me. 

I heard it again, another moan from her bedroom, this time louder and a little husky. My body was tense and I felt the urge to bite my bottom lip hardly as I continued hearing sensual whimpers from her room. 

“Fuck” she gasped with a sore cry as I felt the heat rush down my spine.  

I knew I shouldn’t be listening to her having sex – it was just weird - but somehow her sweet groans forced my body to freeze completely outside her door. 

“Mhh, Shawn.” 

Wait, was that? 

My mouth dropped completely and my eyes widened fully as I heard my name escape her mouth. 

What the heck was going on? 

I creeped over to her door, which was cracked just a tiny bit open. Silently, pushing it to open just a tad more, I felt an uncomfortable feeling reach the surface of my stomach, knowing I was fully invading her personal space in this very moment. I was just confused and a bit curious to what was going on. 

I peeked through the tiny crack of her door while keeping my balance with my hands on the doorframe, trying to make as little noise as possible. My eyes caught her heated, red face as her head was resting against the white headboard and her eyes were tightly shut while she was fingering herself roughly. 

Once again, a massive wave of heat flushed my face and I felt sweet, sensual tickles between my thighs as I watched her pleasured face and heard the slight whimpers from her pink lips.

She was fully naked and her perfect, plump boobs were slightly bouncing as her fingers continued pumping in and out of her wet core. She was dripping – leaving traces on her black sheets – as the squinting sounds from her fingers colliding with her wet centre filled my ears. 

I felt myself grow hard at the sight as my toes curled when another loud moan escaped from her perfect, little mouth. My body was tense and the throbbing feeling in my pants grew stronger each second, I stood here, peeking on her like this. 

She was gasping for air and her chest was covered in small drops of sweat. Her legs were spread wildly apart and her toes were curling the sheets from the sexual frustration she was clearly giving herself. 

Her hair was messy and sticking to her sweaty neck as she threw her head back and whimpered once again. 

“Fuck, Shawn…” She cried as she added another finger and forced them in deeper this time. 

Drops of white liquid ran out of her as her fingers twisted inside her throbbing core. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I realised she was fantasising about me; all alone in her bed, wet and horny. 

And so fucking beautiful. 

I was beyond turned on already as my hard cock pressed against the tight fabric of my jeans. I was aching from hearing her raspy voice moan out my name, throbbing from the idea of her finger-fucking herself to the thought of me, growing harder with every whimper that fell from her trembling lips. 

She was so wet, so ready and all because the idea of me.

A warmth rose in my dry throat and somewhat of a loud groan suddenly sounded from my mouth gaping wide open. 

“Shawn?” She asked as her eyes popped wide open. 

The loud sound from my mouth drew her attention to the crack at the door and shortly after, her wild eyes fell on my shadow, hiding cowardly behind. She didn’t remove her slurred eyes from mine but she continued sliding her fingers in and out roughly as she used her thumb to add more pleasure against her slippery clit. 

I was a little confused, a tad uncomfortable and pretty fucking heated from the surprise of how she carelessly continued masturbating after she had caught me watching her from a distant. 

Her tongue slipped across her pink lips as she hummed sweetly while her fingers spun inside her and made her strain a muscle as a shot of pleasure made her exposed body tremble. 

She locked our eyes together and bit roughly into her bottom lip, knowing she had caught the boner hiding in my pants. I scratched the back of my head as I tried removing my eyes from her, but somehow, they always ended on her body again. 

“y/n… I-I sh-“ I stuttered as the heat spread further. 

I felt a sharp yank between my thighs as I rubbed them together to get some sort of friction to my cock throbbing for her. Sensually, she licked her lips and lowered her eyes to my hard dick. 

“Oh Shawn.” She hummed, tilting her head with a tiny smile. 

“Arr-are you?” I stumbled over my words as I felt a tight knot in my stomach.

“Thinking about you?” she asked teasingly with a massive smile on her face. “Yes, Shawn. I am.” 

I swallowed as her playful words sent a warmth, tickle feeling down my spine. 

“You like what you see?” She breathed, bucking her hips to fully expose her dripping core to my lusting eyes. 

I couldn’t find the words to speak, but nervously I managed to nod at her teasing question. I had thought about her naked on many occasions, but this vision was much better than I could have ever imagined it in my mind. 

Roughly, she removed her wet fingers from her core and put them into her mouth, sucking her juices with a moan. 

“Fuck.” I breathed as I watched her mouth moved around her fingers. 

“You want to taste too?” 

“Please.” I gasped out as I felt a tremble. 

She held out her fingers – the fingers – and then I didn’t waist more time on watching her. Swaying across the room, I kneeled on the white bed as she watched me carefully while I put her fingers into my mouth. 

Shutting my eyes, I let my tongue lick her as her sweet taste exploded in my mouth. She groaned as my tongued played with the tip of her fingers and I forced a rough suck every other second. 

I had imagined this moment in my head for such a long time, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact, that this was actually happening. At last. 

Suddenly, her hand tugged into my curls and forced chills down my back. She removed her fingers from my mouth and let them slide down my damp neck, leaving wet traces behind on the way. Her fingertip followed my clenched jawline as she sent me a tiny smile. 

“So you were thinking about me?” I asked, stuttering over my words. 

“I was.” 

“What were you thinking about?” I found myself asking as another flushed reached my already steamy cheeks. 

“Oh Shawn, always so shy.” She whispered as her thumb slipped to my lips and pushed them from each other. 

She bended forward for her mouth to reach my ear and I held my breath when she came closer. 

“I was thinking how this…” Her hand stirred to between my legs and brushed against my hard cock. “Would feel inside me.” 

I whimpered as her fingers moved around in small circles against my most sensitive area. Biting hardly into my bottom lip, I tried somehow coping with the massive amount of sexual frustration she was giving me with her gentle touches. I pressed my heated neck against her face as she let out groan from the contact with my skin. 

“Is it bad that all I want to do is fuck you?” I asked her as she continued sending waves of frustration through my body. Moving her fingers into my hair, she pushed my head further against her mouth. 

“I’ve wanted you to for so long.” She admitted. 

“You never told me.” 

“I thought I gave you plenty of signs.” She whimpered desperately, feeling my breath against her skin. 

Thinking about it, maybe she did, but as always, I was too much of a pussy to do anything about it. I was too scared of misreading the signals and ruining the bond we had grown strong throughout the years. 

“I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship.” 

“Really, Shawn?” 

“What?” I asked confused at her statement. 

“Friends don’t look at each other like we do.” She muttered as her eyes locked on mine. 

For a second, her stare was vulnerable as she forced in air between her lips. I smiled lovingly at her, knowing she was exposing her heart to me in a moment of weakness, as I let my hand stroke her burning cheek.  

“How do we look at each other, then?” I dared her, raising my eyebrow playfully.  

“Like we want to rip each other’s clothes off as soon as possible.” She gasped back, biting into her plump, bottom lip. 

“Then do it.” I blurred out, taken back by my own eagerness to feel her skin on mine. 

She laughed at my comment, probably just as surprised at my sudden boldness before she let her hands wander down my back, reaching for the hem of my white t-shirt and slowly pushing it over my head. 

Throwing it at the floor in her messy room, her eyes lingered at my naked chest and I watched as they slowly widened by the sight that met her face. Her fingertips were suddenly on my skin, tracing slowly down my chest to my stomach to the beginning of my happy trail. 

I threw my head back and sucked in air as her hands unbuckled my pants and she forced them halfway down my thighs. Her mouth began kissing my lower stomach and she used her warm tongue to leave sore hickeys on my body, teasingly avoiding the area throbbing for her the most. 

I forced my fingers into her messy hair and dragged her head closer to my burning skin, too eager and impatient to feel her properly. 

I reached down between her legs to rub my palm against her wet centre as she moaned against my skin when my hand made contact. She was wetter than I expected her to be. Soaking actually and already dripping into my palm that barely brushed against the sensitive area between her quivering legs. 

“Take your pants off completely.” She told me, removing her hands from my body. “I want to taste you too.” 

Her whispering words punched out the air in my lungs but I did as she told me. Licking her lips, she tilted her head at the sight. 

My cock was hard and ready for her warm mouth, just the thought of those plump lips around the tip of my head was enough to push me further towards the edge. She lowered her body as she wrapped her left hand around my length and forced a groan to escape my mouth. 

“Shit!” I breathed as her mouth attached itself to my tip. 

I was extremely sensitive from watching her play with herself. She closed her lips around my tip and twisted a few times, making me squirm in pleasure from her wet mouth caressing me. She moved her mouth fully down to the root of my cock as her tongue licked along with her soft yet firm sucks. 

I bucked my hips to meet her mouth as she moved further down and flicked her tongue to add a tad more pleasure. 

“Fucking hell.” I sobbed. 

My eyes lowered their stare as I caught her looking towards my face while sucking my dick and I couldn’t help but let out a tiny smile. Using my hands in her hair, I pushed her head towards my face and pressed my nose against her burning cheeks. 

“I’ve spend so many nights thinking about this.” I breathed, my thumb softly gliding back and forth her lips. “Are we really doing this?” I asked her. 

“Yes. Now shut up and kiss me, Mendes.” She gasped, demanding as always. 

I leaned forward and crashed my lips eagerly into hers. She kissed me back hungrily, tugging her fingers into my hair and pushing my lips closer to hers. Her tongue spread my lips apart and forcefully, she slipped it into my welcoming mouth. 

She tasted better than I imagined her to, better than I had hoped. 

I groaned against her mouth as my hands began rubbing her tender, pink breast. I felt her writhed against me as my thumbs pinched her sore nipples.

Her hands moved to my back and she forced her nails roughly into my skin as my fingers continued adding pressure on her hard nipples. 

“Fuck Shawn.” She muttered into my mouth as I felt her gasp desperately for air. 

My hands slipped down her bare back and as I reached the curve of her soft ass, I slapped her harshly to tease her. She broke the kiss as she screamed loudly by the pleasurable pain I was coursing her.

My fingers grabbed around her ass, yanking and rubbing her roughly as she threw her head back and moaned loudly. I attached my lips to her throat and began sucking as I continuingly slapped and squeezed her ass to make her moan out my name. 

She was big and soft, plump and round; the best ass I’d ever laid eyes on.  

“I’m obsessed with your fucking ass.” I growled against her sweaty skin as I heard a faint laughter from her mouth. 

“I know.” 

“You know?”

“I’ve caught you looking multiple times.” 

Another heatwave floated my face as I felt a slight embarrassment of how obvious I had apparently been. Heck, an ass like hers was impossible to avoid looking at. 

I pushed my hips against her stomach, letting her feel my length digging into her skin just to tease a bit more. Her lips went to the soft spot underneath my ear and began kissing down my neck. 

My hands trailed down, rubbing her bum one last time and then I let my fingers drag along her soaked centre, my thumb brushing lightly against her clit. 

“Are you just going to tease or are you actually going to fuck me?” She whimpered. Her voice was desperate and cracked over at the end. 

I placed my hands on her hips, forcing her to sway her back bend over in the bed. I settled myself behind her ass pointing upwards completely exposed to me as she was bending over in front of my body. I leaned forwards and kissed gently down her spine as she pushed her ass back to touch the tip of my cock. 

“Not yet.” I told her as my hands found her boobs hanging from her chest. 

I twisted her nipples between my fingers as she whimpered arched her back to cope with the tension she was feeling. I grabbed her inner thighs, my fingernails sinking into her skin, as I spread her legs apart and exposed her pussy entirely.  

“Please Shawn. Don’t be such a tease.” She begged in a whimper. “I want to feel your cock.” 

“You’re sexy as fuck. I can’t stop looking at you.” 

“You can look later, okay? Just get to fucking work.” She hissed back at me. 

I rolled my eyes at her as I rested my palm on her sweaty back. Without giving her a warning, I pressed myself into her in a hard move. She whimpered while I slid in deeper and filled her out. She was tight, a perfect form for my dick.  

Arching her back, she pushed her ass further against to hips to meet another of my thrust into her slippery core. 

“Fuck, Shawn. Yes!” she cried as I bucked my hips and slipped in deeper.

“Shit, you’re fucking tight.”

“Fuck Shawn, you’re so big.” She whimpered at the pleasure pain she was feeling. 

I slowed down my moves as I kissed the top of her ass carefully while she adjusted herself to my cock. She used a few slow thrust to get used to the feeling of my cock inside her.  

“Better?”  

“Much.” 

I started moving in and out of her again, slowly at first then adding more speed to the pace of my thrusts. My hands gripped tightly around her inner thighs as I pushed her to meet my slams, wanting to fill out as much of her as possible.  

“Harder, Shawn. I can handle harder.” She moaned, her head tilting back to look my way. 

Her face was red, pearls of sweat where sticking to her forehead and her mouth was gaping wide open. 

She was insanely beautiful; even with messy hair, falling into her eyes, sweat dripping down her naked body and those red cheeks.

My eyes lingered at her for a couple of seconds as I felt my heart increase slightly. I let my hand slide up and down her bare back as a smile escaped from her heated face. 

“You’re just so fucking breath-taking.” I told her, biting into my bottom lip. 

After spending a couple of seconds admiring her body, I remembered her begging words and picked up the pace. Her entire body moved as I fucked her roughly from behind, her boobs bouncing, her ass vibrating, her thighs trembling. 

I forced my hand under her stomach and used my thumb to add more pleasure to her high as I continued to fuck her roughly. Arching her back, I heard a few swear words slipped from her panting mouth as her entire body began to shake. 

I felt her pussy tightly around my cock, slipping perfectly along to my slams as we shared a groan whenever I hit all the right spots inside her. 

“Fuck, Shawn. I ca-can’t much longer.” She cried out as I filled her out perfectly.  

I pushed myself as deep into her as possible and then I stopped moving. I attached my mouth to her the curve of her ass, kissing her lower back as I twisted and turned my cock inside of her. 

I leaned back to sit on the bed as she followed along and was now sitting on my lap with her back towards my chest. Her hands reached back and she forced her fingers roughly into my hair to tug my head to the side. 

My hands moved to her chest and my palms covered her boobs entirely as she began moving again. Throwing my head back, I felt her ass move against my thighs as she picked up the pace and left me whimpering. 

“Fuck, I’m about to cum.” I cried in her ear, attaching my lips to her sticky neck.

She placed both her hands on my thighs, riding me harder and faster and I felt her entire body bounce from her quick yet rough movements on my cock. As she cracked her hips slightly, we both reached our bursting point. 

Riding our high, her fingernails dug desperately into my thighs and sent a pain through my body. 

“God Shawn.” She moaned as I released inside of her in a loud groan. 

I pushed her head to the side and exposed her lips to mine. Attaching them together and panting into each other’s mouth, I felt my load drip from her wet and well-fucked pussy. 

It forced a smile to appear on my lips. 

Riding the last of our orgasms, we both collapsed on the bed beside each other; eyes shut, hearts pounding and gasping desperately for air. I spend a few minutes gaining back somewhat strength to open my eyes again. 

She was lying beside me, her hair sticking to her neck and her body fully exposed to my eyes. She was covered in hickeys from my mouth wandering wild and trails from my nails digging into her skin. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. 

I let my fingers stroke her damp cheek as she opened her tired eyes and looked at mine. A tiny but exhausted smile ran across her lips. She kissed the tip of my finger as it ran over her trembling mouth. 

“Can you believe this actually happened?” I asked her. 

“Not really. I feel like I’ve been giving you signs for years and… nothing.” She laughed back, shaking her head lightly. 

“I know.” I leaned forwards to kiss her warm lips. “You know I need to rethink everything at least a hundred times.” 

“Well, I’m glad you finally came around then.” She joked as her fingers brushed my arm. Her eyes flickered around the room as she bit her bottom lip. 

“What?” I asked her, lifting her chin with my thumb to meet her stare. 

“Do you regret it?” She asked and my heart dropped to my guts. 

I lowered my head to allow my nose tip to stroke her cheek softly while my hands searched for hers underneath the covers. I wrapped my fingers around hers and let my thumb stroke her knuckles. I nipped to her lips a few times before finding her stare again. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this. For you.” I told her as I moved my head closer to her face. “There’s no way I could ever regret this.”

I stared into her eyes as I leaned towards her and kissed her naked shoulder, my fingers still wrapped around hers. My nose brushed lightly back and forth her sweaty skin as my mouth planted a few sweet kisses on her chest.

“Me either.” She whispered back, shyly. 

I had never seen her like this before – completely emotionally exposed - but I liked that she finally let down her guards. She usually never did. 

We stared at each other for a while, embracing and stroking each other, our lips nipping to each other once in a while.

“Shawn?” 

“Yeah?”  

“Say it first.” 

“What?”

“Can you say it first?” She asked me. “I need to hear you say it first. If you actually do, then say it first.”

I tilted my head towards her as I took in the expression on her sweaty still heated face. Her eyes gave her away within seconds and I suddenly understood her strange outburst. 

“You know I do, right? I always have.” 

I knew she had been burned before, I’ve watched her fall apart in front of me, but I wasn’t aware of how much pain it - apparently - had cost her. How deep the scars had apparently cut into her. 

“I guess, I just need to hear you say it...”

“I’m crazy about you. I always have been. I want to be with you, y/n.” I told her, my fingers removing tots of messy hair from her face. “And I won’t hurt you. I promise.” 

The relief on her face from hearting those words made a slight nag appear in my chest. The fact that she needed to hear me promise her, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, meant she had been burned badly before. 

Someone had left obvious traces on her heart that she was still trying to somehow mend. I wondered how anyone could ever hurt something as beautiful as her. 

“I want to be with you too, Shawn” she smiled back to me. “I think I’ve always just loved you.”

And though I had always seen her as the bold one, I knew she was risking her heart by saying those words aloud to me. And in that moment, I realised, she had never given those words to anyone but me. She had saved those words for me and I had saved them for her. Entirely. 

[ghoulstars]

im only posting this bc i desperately need to exorcise this thought somewhere bc it wont fucking leave me alone

those of you who know me personally or follow my instagram know about this but for those of you who dont: in a horrible turn of events, our plan to put down our geriatric yellow labrador retriever dixie was unfortunately and unexpectedly doubled today to having to put down our 3 year old engam bulldog, bean, as well

when we got him in mid december, 2015 he was barely out of puppyhood, we found him wandering around near the highway at our local gas station with a collar and no tag, trying to jump into two out-of-towner girls’ car. my stepdad intervened bc they couldnt take bean with them obviously, and brought him home instead.

we put up lost dog flyers everywhere all over our very small city, in an attempt to maybe see if someone would indeed come forward for their dog. we knew he wasnt just a stray because of his collar.

almost right off the bat, we were told by a woman who worked at the gas station that there was a man who lived in the trailer park just across the road, located behind the pancake diner. you can see it from the gas station parking lot. she told us that he had a lot of dogs that he typically kept chained up outside in poor conditions, and beat them regularly. to us? it seemed totally reasonable that that must’ve been where bean came from, given the fact he was a dog and we found him literally less than 50 feet away from where this fucking man lived.

no one came forward to claim bean. we kept those flyers up for months, we only put them up to begin with knowing he may have been thrown out by (or escaped from) this disgusting man just because there was the possibility that it wasn’t his dog, but someone else’s. as well as the potential for legal intervention if this fabled abuser found out we had technically stolen his dog (and full disclosure, fuck him for what he does, i hope all his dogs get stolen like they need to be, i myself was not fond of the idea of just giving the dog back to this creep if he was indeed the owner but i was only 16 at the time so there wasnt much i could do)

with no one claiming bean, after those months passed, we decided that he was ours now. flyers were taken down, we gave him his collar and nametag, to be real he’d already been named by us in the first few days we had him. he was going to be ours no matter what; my mother always told me its a rule that if you name a stray, and do it quick before anyone can object to keeping it, it’s yours now. that’s your pet, with it’s new name.

so we carried on with our lives, now having not just one dog, but two. it was a bit iffy with my stepfather keeping bean since we didnt technically need to manage two dogs at the time, but we still did it anyways because we loved him, the little bean man.

but here’s where my problem lies and this is why im writing this now: as time went on and we continued to have bean as our pet, some stuff about the original suggestion that he belonged to an abusive older man who lived in close proximity to where we found bean wasnt adding up

due to dixie’s failing body, she would sometimes lose control of her bowels inside the house, which was becoming unacceptable when she stayed in overnight. so, she stayed outside. she and bean bonded, so they stayed outside together too. (and for clarity here, i know what some of you might want to say, but we knew very early on that bulldogs do not do well with heat or isolation. we also know that dixie probably shouldve been put down years ago, but here’s the trouble: my stepfather would not let us euthanize her. she is his dog technically, and the thought hurt him so much that he would not agree to it for YEARS. dixie and bean were too attached to separate them for long periods of time like they would be if we kept bean inside mostly and her outside mostly; that would’ve been cruel in its own special way. we put pools out for bean and visited with both dogs for as much as we could outside, bathed them, put fans out for them in the summer. our only option to give bean the main love and care he needed was, and of course we had other reasons to do this, to put dixie down, which was where we thought we were finally going to be by tomorrow, but thats not what happened, as you can tell)

as to be expected, bean sometimes found his way inside, mostly by applying his american bulldog traits to memorizing when unfamiliar guests would come over and bolt in the house. he did this enough times and very recently we were letting him stay inside instead of taking him back out, and all of these experiences combined, we noticed something: bean was housebroken. he was out of practice with it, and did not know very well how to communicate that he needed to go outside to use the bathroom, but he did know what to do. he would run to the door if he had to go, not always making it, but still, he was housebroken. he only marked furniture once while inside, in his entire lifespan thus far. that was a red flag to us, but especially my mother, who realized this skill of beans directly contradicted the statement that he was probably kept outside, chained up, starved, and beaten by the trailer park guy. not to mention, bean came to us in nearly perfect condition to begin with, just skinny. no patches of fur gone, he was the opposite of skittish and aggressive, no bruises, nothing. just a loving, bouncy, stupid bulldog mix

this, im not sure if im correct about this, but it stands out enough to me that i feel its worth mentioning: bean is not a mutt of any kind, and his breed contradicts those types of breeds most people who abuse animals come to own; usually large breeds, breeds inaccurately known for aggression, and breeds used by abusers to make aggressive bc they know the fighting power of these dogs (pitbulls, american bulldogs, etc). bean is an engam bulldog (english/american mix), which is a very obscure mixed breed dog to begin with and especially obscure where i live, and as we all know english bulldogs are short, stout, fat little things that can basically do no harm whatsoever. they also have a history of inbreeding to look how they do. i know this man may have just seen ‘bulldog’ and snagged him thinking he’d be aggressive, but that does not sit right with me for two other reasons: bean’s conformation (body structure) and coloration. there is nothing about bean that suggests he was bred to be used for fighting, or that he’s a true mutt, or anything of the sort. his body type literally resembles that of show dogs, and his fur coloration is highly unusual because he’s blue. obviously not literally blue but the type of blue-grey you can find in animals, typically seen in cats. bean’s coloration is almost NEVER found in ANY breed of bulldog, it is INCREDIBLY rare that he looks like this. his condition in which we found him, his housebrokenness, his color and his body formation lead, in me and my family’s opinion, to an alternative opinion: he belonged to someone that got him because they wanted a dog as a pet, not to beat, and they either bred him themselves or bought him (probably from a pet store or breeder) for his color and conformation. 

but why would they dump a dog this valuable? my mom said this to me earlier, sobbing after she returned from the vet today, and this is my whole reason for writing this insane fucking novel of a post: whoever dumped bean threw out a sick puppy, and on purpose.

bean hasnt been injured or contracted an unvaccinated illness or anything like that. he had been experiencing extreme stomach distension for the past month, whereas he was losing weight everywhere else on his body. he had also been vomiting. but he wasnt depressed, or lethargic. maybe his personality was a little off but not so much it was horribly noticeable, and at that, he was still eating regularly everyday. we came to the conclusion he had parasites, though ive always been terrified something more serious was going on (i dont get listened to though).

as it turns out, i was right. mom took him in today, the day before dixie was set to be put down, for his deworming pills. what she got instead was a diagnosis of possible lung cancer. his blood work was normal, which is unusual in animals with cancer, but he still had nodules on his lungs that highly resembled cancer. his heart was also severely enlarged due to heartworms, and his stomach was so distended because it was full of fluid and blood. they did send his blood off for labs, but even if his lungs were fine, he was going to die anyway (they got a second opinion from another practice and they also agree it was probably cancerous). he has a 15% survival rate for only the very first heartworm treatment, which will cost $500. nothing lives very long with an enlarged heart to begin with. we don’t have that money, and for a treatment that will definitely kill him? i dont even know why he has so much blood and fluid in his digestive tract. bean, a dog who is only 3 or 4 years old, has an enlarged heart, lung tumors and fluid/blood all in his abdomen. the vet was apparently stunned that a dog this young could have this many potentially (and one definitely) fatal health problem(s).

i now fully believe that whoever owned him before knew he had all these issues, or that he was going to develop them. i think it makes sense. i also think they’re cheap, cruel fucks who didnt want to shell out that much money to take care of him, or pay to take him to a shelter/sanctuary, and so what did they do? they did what many people these days very regularly do when their new pet has become undesirable: they fucking dumped him on the side of the road and booked it. took his nametag off and everything, to make him look like a stray. they left him for some well meaning, animal loving family like mine to find him, not know anything about these preexisting health issues, and assume he’s healthy enough; maybe just needs a few more vaccinations and a worm and flea treatment. he showed no signs of lung cancer or heart problems in all his life up until this past month, and he’s still so young. i will even go as far as to say that he himself may be severely inbred, which could be the cause of these health issues. given his specific posture and color, and that he’s a bulldog, it’d make sense. it seems like he came from some kind of breeder to begin with anyway.

so now that ive said that and got it all out of the way, i want to leave an open letter to the hypothetical cunt that did this to us and bean:

i hope god fucking strikes you down where you stand. i hope every single day of your miserable fucking life, you think about where he ended up, if he’s still alive, if anyone found him, if he ever got hit by a car or died alone of cancer and heart failure in a field somewhere. i hope you feel guilt for leaving him knowing he’d develop cancer and that he had heart worms, and knowing you did it BECAUSE of that. i hope you never fucking forget about the fact that you threw an INNOCENT LITTLE PUPPY out on the highway because you just didnt want to have anything to do with his illnesses, and i hope one day you find out what you did to us and this innocent little boy. he’s such a good fucking dog, he is so patient, kind, loving and gentle, and when he has bursts of energy to play he fucking goes, and now he has to die barely halfway through his lifespan because of your fucking negligence. he is laying outside on the porch right now, uncomfortable with fluids and blood backing up his intestines, coughing and huffing just to try and breathe. at the very least, if he were taken to the right shelter, he couldve been fucking cared for and given treatments to extend his life as much as possible, or at least given hospice care for however long he could live, which has now been shortened to 3 or 4 years. if you yourself knew this dog was inbred or you inbred him yourself, fuck you. i hope you get run over by a fucking truck. this breed can live from 12-16 years, that’s a LONG time for a dog like him, and you had to fucking ruin it all because of your own fucking preferences; you wanted the perfect dog. and you could’ve had him if you’d grown a fucking heart and actually gave a shit about animals beyond how they look aesthetically; as well, if you fucking actually gave a shit about your animals HEALTH and wanted to maintain it instead of apparently assuming he’d just be fine and healthy with all his vaccinations and that’d be the end of it. you do not deserve to own an animal if you dont even want to acknowledge it will sometimes need medical care, how fucking heartless are you? we never had enough money to take care of dixie’s failing health, and we always knew it’d be better to put her down, but my stepdad kept refusing. you had enough money to fucking breed or buy a blue show-quality engam bulldog and you still wouldnt fucking care for him after you found out what problems he had. fuck you. eat shit and die. i hope you never find peace from the guilt of knowing you fucking killed what became our dog because you’re selfish. my mother is physically sick with grief. i am physically sick with grief. i feel so bad that it’s as if i have the fucking flu. i was trying to talk with my mother about this situation earlier and i had to rush to leave because i felt like i was about to throw up if i didnt. everyone in this house has cried so much today it’s disgusting. 

the only thing good about this is that bean came along for dixie when she needed him most, and became her helper and provider, giving her company and being a literal post to lean on for when she couldnt see where she was going. they’re going over the rainbow bridge tomorrow morning together, and in a way, this is probably the best outcome. at least bean wont have to grieve. dixie can see her old companion again (who died from a ruptured tumor in 2014) and bean can meet him, and they can all play and be together in that field in the sky. 

my family will never have another dog again because of this pain this has caused us.

[asklynden]

My dad is abusing me part 4

I can’t hardly believe what’s happened in recent events. My dad phoned me, so naturally I pretended to not be here and did not asnwer. He then sent me a txt message asking me to come over so I could sort out my suit. A suit for what? He’d decided I was going to his wedding as an usher. Didn’t even ask first. And he knows I have speaking problems so, an usher? Is he senile already??

Anyway I told him no, I told my sister too who was nosey enough to ask. I told me sis I couldnt go because I am an alcoholic. I’m not, but it felt like a good reason. I couldnt do that with my dad, giving him something to lecture me about? No thanks. So I just said I’d considered it and it wouldn’t work out.

Then my youngest bro who lives with my dad begins chatting with me. We talk and he’s doing well. The wedding comes up and we talk about it. I eventually bring up some issues I have, like how my partner is never invited, which kinda seems like there’s some prejudice going on. Apparantly my dad is just dum and thought my partner was just “a friend”. It doesn’t help that it’s not easy to explain my relationship with them. But we’re family without a doubt, and I love the heck out of them. But that’s enough about that, this post is meant to be about bad people, so back to my dad...

He started to seem less bad, and more stupid as things went along. Eventually the main topic came up. My dad owes me £3000. He’s got spending problems, so even though he has a very good job, he never has any money. I am the opposite of him in so many ways. I’d get money in a card from my grandparents to spend on what I want for my birthday and such. I never spent that money. I saved it. I was a very boring child. I then got a job at an Amazon warehouse. And yes it’s as bad as the rumors say. But not the first week. That first week they make it so easy that it’s actually fun. Then they make it harder and harder until it’s not doable anymore... Yeah you can just look up other people’s stories on that. It was hell. And deserves it’s own post. My dad is only relevant to the day I got fired.

That story, to keep it short went like this: I called in sick, because, I was sick. At about noon I got up out of bed to have something to eat and drink, and felt a bit better. My dad sees me and forces me into the car and drives me to my workplace. I don’t have a choice. I get in and walk right into my boss. I have never forgotten the look he gave me. “So you think you can just come and go when you want do you?” he asked me. What kind of person calls in sick and then shows up late instead? It looked to him like I just didn’t want to go in so early. It was because of that moment that my scanner never got upgraded like everyone elses did. I was told not to worry about the extra training session. I didn’t realise how clear it was at the time that this was the moment they decided to fire me. They gave me only a week after that day i think to keep working, all the while talking bad about my performance and how I needed to improve or else.

Sorry for that detour, but my dad got me fired from that job. And he’s never once helped me get a job before or since. But I had earned myself a nice amount of cash over these years. I earned a nice sum. My dad had many moments where he struggled. But I knew he was a bad spending since he bankrupt us back when he was living with my mum. It was cars that did it.

I don’t think he ever asked me for money. Instead it was just an “I’m sorry”. Naturally I said “I can lend you some money”. I don’t know if i fell for the bait, or if he really didn’t expect this. But I lent him money, and he promised he would pay me back. He was very grateful and aksed that I not tell anyone about this, since he’d feel so ashamed to have to borrow from his son. So, I kept it secret.

As time went on more things happened. His car had troubles and needed to be fixed, so I lent more. He couldnt pay the phone bill, so I lent more. He needed eggs for dinner, so I went out and paid for them. With the food I was always the one he sent to go buy it, and I’d often pay for it too, but he was meant to pay me back whatever it ended up being afterwords. I wrote this amount down, and I didn’t mind if a few were forgotten or he didn’t have the money at the time. I just kept the recipt for next time. These began to build up really badly. And before I knew it, he owed me over £3000. He never paid any of it back. Not until I moved out and tried to get him to.

So after I did leave, something I got no help with from him, because... Well I did it in secret. I saw a chance to get away from him and took it. Thank GOD I did. I was deeply depressed and my dad was against me taking anti-depressants. I was already on some, but had been calling them sleeping tablets to stop him from getting angry. Technically, they do make you drowsy, so it wasn’t quite a lie. But they did nothing for my depression. Which was at it’s breaking point. I moved out to a place only 10 minutes drive away. I regret being so scared to move further away. But this was my first time on my own. And I’ve got a few difficulties too that made it scarier.

During this time I struggled with rent far worse than i imagined. I asked my dad to help and he’d pull out £20 or one time £80 to help. I got whatever was in his pocket. And then one month he says “Don’t ask me for anymore money, not until October. I have it already all tied up in other things, sorry.” and so I stopped asked. October came, which was 4 months or more from then. And I forgot totally at this point to bring it up again. And so for another year I didn’t ask. And then another year. And in all that time he never once offered to pay me back. Never since this payment began growing did he ever offer to pay me back. He did offer to take me on holiday and said I could go for free, but, he’d not owe me anything anymore. It was a tempting deal, but I didn’t really like France that much. I said no.

Time went on and I heard abotu him going on holiday more and more, and buying new things, more cars. He had money to spare afterall, but still offered me nothing. Eventually our landlord decided to raise our rent by £100 a month. We were already overpaying for that crappy little place, and it wasn’t a case of “should we?” but “can we?”. And we could not. Oh “we” by the way is my roomate. The “partner” I mentioned earlier. So we had to move, and found a place 2/3 the cost and 3/2 the size much further away. It was a fantastic deal and we moved in.

My dad helped us move, by costing us around £1000. Because he did things cheaply, and told us to do things we werent allowed to do and got us fined. That needs it’s own post too. The damage he cause us is not something I added to the amount he owes though. I chose to just, not bring up that day at all.

So in our new place, doing well. Months of joy, when finally our old landlord tells us he’s not giving us our deposit back, but he also wants MORE money for damages. I didn’t even know this was legal to do. He took the deposit, and then a second amount the same. My mum had to come in and haggle for us because we were pretty much in tears over this. She saved us, and paid a lot of it for me. She expected my dad to do the same and save me, because this shock cost came out of nowhere and we were not ready. I dont have the amount on hand, but I recall I had to pay £800 myself, my mum paying more than that. £1500? £2000?

Anyway I ask my dad. Not to pay back what he owes, but to save me from seriously legal troubles. He did not help.

Over the next YEAR I was able to pay my mum back all that I owed her for bailing me out. And now I’m back on my feet, and could survive a shock payment if one somehow appeared. But I think I’m safe from that happening again. I hadn’t even thought about the money my dad owes me for ages now.

But this wedding, and talking to my little bro (yes finally back to the original topic) it came up. And my bro was like “Oh well I can talk to him and get that sorted. I was chuffed and said I’d go to the wedding. My dad is honestly fun to be around when it comes to parties. Well, as long as he’s not sober to be more precise. He was sober at one party, and was a huge killjoy. But it’s his wedding, he’s not gonna be a downer there! I was getting excited to see my whole family there, and have a great time and-

“Oh hey, your dad says he doesnt owe you that anymore.” What? Yeah what I got was a big load of messages from my bro telling me my dad didn’t think he owed me anymore because of things he’d done for me previously. Like some early holidays we went on. He also claimed to have “helped with rent” which was a very confusing thing to read. As if he was doing it periodically instead of the 3 times he did it.

Sadly this got me into venting a bit at how unreasonable it all was. I lost my cool. But I dont regret what i said. I imagined he’d go back and tell my dad and it’d get straightened out. I explained he did not help with rent nor did I owe him for any holidays, since the one time he asked me to pay, I declined.

I get a reply, my bro calls me entitled. Says so what if I paid for food and phone I used that stuff so I should pay for it. I’m in disbelief. He’s my dad, he provides for me. Besides you don’t tell someone afterwords “Oh you have to pay for those years of me helping you out”. That’s what pimps do. Other people probably do that too but I only saw it with pimps in the shows I watch.

So more ranting back that this was nuts, and that I just want my money back. I also lay into my dad’s spending habits, how he always has cash to burn, but never any for me. Fuck sake this wedding he’s having is costing him a hell of a lot more than £3000! Sadly this stuff I tell him is what he focuses on, saying my dad isn’t a bad spender cause he always buys cheap... yeah don’t I know it. Every birthday and Christmas I get a foreign or second hand phone or computer that breaks not long after. He’s a computer.. something. He gets this stuff dirt cheap thanks to his job. I couldnt really argue againt my bro there, but no way is that a positive.

But in al lthis arguing, it’s clear that my little bro has some bizarre ideas in his head if he thinks you can wave away owed money by being nice enough to someone. And he thinks me living with my dad is him being nice. But uh, that’s called being a parent, and it’s require by law. I wasn’t some friend staying there, I wasn’t a roomate. I was living in my dad’s house as his son. Jesus my lil bro is meant to be smart but what a fucking... Oh. He’s paying rent and food costs and all sorts. My dad’s gotten him paying for everything. He actually thinks this is normal. There is no low my dad wont sink to.

I can’t be mad at my bro, but it’s clear now that my dad plans on not paying me back. That’s theft. So, what should I do? I don’t want revenge, I don’t want to cost him anything, and I don’t want to take this to court because I know that could cost me. I’ll give it more time. But I hope he looks at my empty chair whilst he’s getting married and knows this is his fault I’m not there.

[we-do-recover-together-blog]

so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that  pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving 

[welcome-to-sanjis-shitty-kitchen]

This is why we can't have nice things Gabby. Please read if you have time, just sharing my thoughts a little.

Got assaulted by my sister over a pair of leggins, if she had just let it go i could have looked tomorrow but she had to punch me when i asked her to leave. And i did find a pair of leggins i can't remember if they're mine. So i did the only thing someone salty af would do, marked them with my initials, shoved them in her face and told her they were mine. But as my sister is the biggest failure in humanity i know she still believed they were hers. But it looks like i won for now, She acts as she owns everything in our house including the house itself, she owns 95% in our shared bathroom because she places her million of things on every available space there is and i have one tiny shelf, there's like no reason for me to have anything nice because she will take it. i'm so enclosed and store everything in my own room because sooner or later that shit will disappear. She's disgusting, annoying and the litteral worst type of person there is. So utterly selfish, stuck up, can't think for her self kind of person. And me as her sister is only good for serving her, there's so much fucking wrong and fucked up things with me because i'm not living up to her standards in what a little sister should be. Because apparantly i'm suposed to humor her and agree with everything she says...is she fucking insane? Just because i like sitting around in my underwear and play videogames and my room is "boy-ish" and i only care about essential hygene products and clothes rather then lots of lots of makeup and being a godamn fahsionista i'm not "normal". She calls herself a feminist but shoves that gender role bullshit down my fucking throat. Like different opinions doesn't even exsist in her dictionary, she is correct, she has the only will. Ofc she will think that because she only values her own opinion and can't respect anyone elses. She's like an obstinate fucking toddler and idk how to deal with this. So this scenario when mom bought her some soda, like a 2 L bottle. The one mom bought me today is 1.5 L. I would not say anything because maybe the store only had that soda, or maybe mom just grabbed one, or she didn't remember what she bought and is really tired from work and i'm just glad she didn't forget to pick that soda up from the store. But oh boy, my sister though, she would have screamed bloody murder at mom then start a fucking civil war with me because she wants half of what i have then. I'll still come out with less because she thinks she deserves more. Because it's unfair, well newsflash asshole, life aint fair. It annoys me to death how unacceptable she is of someone having more or better then her..... I don't fucking understand how she thinks, shes so stupid and overdramatic.... She has no fucking shame or compassion or humanity and it's honestly so sad that it is this way. My family is litterly the weirdest collection of selfish, racist, homophobic, biggoted cheating assholes i know and all i can say is thank fucking god i became nothing of that, thank god i don't drink, smoke, do drugs or is a garbage piece of human shit. I have a bad example of pretty much all bad there is in my closest family. I mean, i became a ball of anxiety and depression but hey thats waaaaay better then some fucking redneck biggoted asshole. My family is like a bunch of hardcore christians in a way except it's for the swedish lineage. YOU CAN ONLY BE SWEDISH IN THIS HOUSE. is basicly what my parents say aka i'm banned for speaking another language or things they don't understand or want to hear. I love my dads argument that only retarded fucking toddlers speak english. I would call that a gifted toddler u piece of shit. AHHH MAN, they hate me for being so "cultural" just because i can speak like 3 languages and some fucking latin, because i'm not interested in swedish culture. Because i'm different. Like i said different and different opinions is a bad thing here. And i'm not suprised parents don't understand anything whats going on the times and this world. Stuck in their little rutine and safe bubble of their work and home. Ofc they wont think anything different because they dont get involved with something else. As someone who invests in a lot of time on social media and see a lot of whats going on the world and different cultures and opinions, ofc i would have a broader perspective and way of seeing things. Thats not gonna change. I'm not gonna force any parents to see my way because thats a shitty thing to do. But i just wish, if someone bothered to read all this shit. No matter what, why can't parents be supportive, you don't need to understand it, you don't need be a part of it. Why can't u just tell ur own child like "ohh u wanna do that thing, well good on u! And have fun" is that too much too ask? Supportive parents could change childrens lifes, because no matter what happens you know mom and dad got ur back. So why is it that people like my parents cant even talk to their own kid unless its to relay information about something they have planned, or when they want me to do somethint. They dont ask about me, how im doing or what im thinking. It's probably been 10 years since i last trusted my mom to tell her anything i felt. And ive never talked to my dad that way unless its to defend myself for some bullshit. They cant even remember the names of my friends ive had for the past 7 years. They honestly couldnt give 2 shits about me as a person and it breaks my fucking heart having to deal with this shit. In like 90% of my conversations with my parents its either an argument or im lying trough my teeth to make it seem like im fine, that everything is fine. Because i can't trust the bastards with even my life, which why i fear for my godamn life everyday that they will get tired of me. Which is hella unfair seeming as my sister is barely employed and works like 3 months a year the last 3-4 years. For now i'm being forced to get a drivers license so i can get a job. But when i do get a job and make a decent wage im gonna move into town which litterly makes my cars useless as monthly bus card is probably cheaper then maintaining a car and paying for a parking spot and i would have to look for an apartment with a garage....no thanks..and everyday....just a parking spot at work would be like 1/3 of my salary. Because thise things aint foe free. But i guess i'm gonna be glad once i have a drivers license, even if i dont use it. But i am petty as hell that theyre gonna force it on me and not my sister. If you actually read this you deserve a godamn gold star. Or like an entire cake.

[calmcoolcollect]

w(r)ong one?

‘Maktub’ she said. ‘it is written. ‘If i really am part of your dream, youll come back one day.’

So ive started reading the alchemist again just coz there was so much in it that i could relate to with my old relationship. ‘If i really am part of your dream youll come back one day’ when I first read that i thought it was the idea that things will go back to exactly how they once were, her and i sitting in eachothers cars laughing, chatting and kissing the night away listening to chris brown the good ol days, but recently after meeting up with and realising that shes moving on and seeing someone i realised that this quote has a whole nother side to it, you can be a part of someones dream still but just play a different role i dunno if that even makes sense or what im is a load of wank im waffling tryna make sense in my head with all these feelings.

after seeing her the other day i realised how much i actually missed her company, she was first ever person id fully opened up too, trust me i was a hard nut to crack and she cracked me right open. I thank her for that she taught me alot about myself. theres still this sense of vulnerability i feel around her and a sense of safety, one of the things she said was ‘i never thought id feel content around anyone but with you i did and still do’. That spoke volumes to me and its something i know ill sit and comtemplate for days to come.

I still have feelings for her i havent told her because i cant. just no. i havent told anyone because ive been trying to convince myself that i dont and i know i know its been 4 months and weve probably seen eachother about 5 times in that space of time. She was my first love and first for everything (who am i). Sitting with her the otherday i couldnt help just stare and fall in love again with the way shed nervously look down at floor after saying something or how she does this weird bounce when she walks its hilarious i dont even know if she knows she does it or her slightly weird love of ketchup with every meal and how she would go to great lengths to check if the food im about to eat contains nuts like jesus my family dont even do that and even just how she knows how im feeling and her nose! jesus christ her nose maaaaannnnnnnnnnn. i knew i would aswell david said just look at thos things and appreciate them but dont get caught in them and what do i do, get caught.

‘We are one.’ was the phrase we used to say to eachother all the time because wed always agreed on more or less every topic, music, fashion, politcs, life everything. dont really know where im going with this one so imma gonna fade it out. fading...fadi..fad..fa.f.

but im still trying to turn romantic love into a mutual love as a friend where i can be happy and her for what shes accomplshing and trust me i am shes gonna do great things i pray for her always, but there were times i just wanted to tell her ‘Sam I love you still’ and just kiss her. i know that probably sounds soooo weird and creepy but its true but knowing youre no good for someone and you dont want to put them thorugh that pain again of letting them down and constanlty feeling sorry for yourslef becsue you cant give them what they deserve. i couldnt tell her. i couldnt. im no good for her.

Stevie asked me the other day is there anyway it could work out between us 2 and literally the answer is no.its shit beyond shit its a cruel world out there crease or cry.

i dont know theres still this part of me thats like maybe there still maybe a chance in the future maybe we could work it out somehow, some where with some miracle!! im such a fucking loser sometimes why am i the emotional child of the family (trust man cried when lord of the rings ended when gandalf and frodo rode off on the boat the white shores, why my nigga frodo gotta leave his homeboy samwise gamgee like that man, shit aint fair man, man travelled with you all that way for you to say safee im gon on dis boat. PEACE. na man).

whatever is written for us will come, until then b take time.

i got you