#she sucked last season but I am literally looking forward to her more than 90% of this house

[stephaniejuhnay]

Literally everyone on this season of The Traitors is an idiot except for Bergie and Pete at this point now that Janie is gone.

All of the housewives are/were useless except apparently Phaedra who is just coasting along by merit of being a traitor. Pavarti and Dan are BOTH bad at being traitors but bc everyone else in the house is dumb, they’re getting away with it.

Kevin and MJ are dummies. Sheree is maybe more useless on this show than she is/was on RHOA. Sandra and CT are on my shitlist for the whole Janie thing bc this “well if you blame me, I’m blaming you” thing that everyone is doing is STUPID and it’s costing the faithfuls every single round. Trichelle handled the Peppermint thing really poorly and is therefore part of the problem. Ekin-Su deserved to go so I’m not mad abt that or Larsa.

Anyway. I hate this season. I’m gonna keep watching and hope that Bergie and/or Pete wins but I’m gonna be mad abt it, lol. Everyone is so unlikable this season and it’s frustrating because I actually really love the show.

[sweetcatmintea]

So I’m a Vampire now...

Hello hello! It’s flash fiction Friday again! (Hurray!) Guess who still hasn’t learnt to stick to a word limit: This creature! (I’m so sorry <u<;;;;) Anyways, this kinda snuck up on me and I couldn’t think of anything better than this little vampire drabble. I hope you enjoy it!  Feedback is appreciated ^u^

FFF is hosted by @flashfictionfridayofficial

Prompt: Deep End Words: 1665

----

“And we’ll have fun fun fun unt- Michael, put the rock down.” I hoped my voice conveyed how done I was with his reaction. Michael stood, back to the old jeep his mum let him borrow when he mowed the lawn, arm raised, poised to bash my head in with a sizable chunk of concrete. Vanessa wondered back to him from the direction of the mostly closed shops, an eyebrow quirked above her glasses.

“I swear to god, put the rock down. I’m not here to gogurt you.” Why do I have to be friends with an idiot?

He held firmer to his makeshift weapon. “Prove it. I can see the blood lust in your eyes.”

I pressed a palm into my forehead. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. “Yeah, my eyes dilated. Y’know, that thing that happens when you are happy to see your friends. Go repeat bio. If I was gonna slurp your guts, I wouldn’t be singing the beach boys and waltzing up to you like a door knocker asking for money. Especially not after I asked you for a lift.”

Michael narrowed his eyes at me. “Unless that’s what you want us to think. I know you Jessie. You’re sneaky.”

“Oh my god, why are you so dumb? Vanessa, can you PLEase talk some sense into him.”

Vanessa knocked the rock out of his hand, pitching it across the desolate car park before he could react. She should go into a ball sport. I don’t know, baseball or something. It clattered somewhere in the distance.

“Michael, stop being weird. We both know Jessie could have pinned you before they got turned. Your noodle arms can barely open a particularly sturdy container. You’re just making them feel unwelcomed. And being a trashy friend.”

“All true.” I nodded. “Plus, it’s not like I chose to get turned. If that loser Josh hadn’t done me dirty last week, I’d be at home feeding my Tamagotchi. Has he even reported me missing yet?”

Michael mumbled a sheepish apology. “Sorry, I was just worried you’d gone off the deep end all blood lusty or something…”

I waved it off. I wasn’t really angry. It’s not like we’d exactly been in this situation before.

Vanessa shook her head, giving me a one-armed greeting hug which I, of course, returned. “He hasn’t mentioned it. I mean, you have been reported missing. That was a whole thing that happened with your parents and then us pretending like you weren’t texting us because how do you tell someone their kid is off getting the lowdown on being undead, but yeah, not reported by Josh.”

“What a soggy zit. I swear, when I get my hands on him.”

“You’re not going to kill him, are you?” Michael and Vanessa shared a worried look.

“What? No. Of course not! That’s disgusting. You think I’m gonna put my face hole anywhere near that slimy weasel and voluntarily drink two thirds of his blood?? Do you know how long that would even take?”

Michael rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding my eyes. “Well, I kinda thought you’d y’know, snap his neck or something now you have super strength…”

“Who’s gone off the deep end now?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not some killing machine. I’ll just dob him in and let him flounder some explanation for how he shoved me at the burglar while we were closing up shop and ran away. He’s lucky it was a vampire and not some lunatic or I’d really be dead.”

Vanessa plopped down on a concrete chock block, sipping her bubble tea and settling in for a long conversation. It was wild, I could hear the jelly in the cup squishing together. Michael sat to her side, patting the ground to invite me to complete the triangle. I obliged.

Vanessa started us off. “So what’s it like? Being all vampirey now?”

“Well, I’ve got cool powers now. Not the powers of being cool, I already had that.”

It was Michael’s turn to roll his eyes at me. I elbowed him in the ribs. Gently. Breaking bones had become a real danger. He snorted a laugh, almost shooting red bull up his nose.

“I got these neato glow in the dark eyes. Don’t know if you can turn that off. They do the cat slit thing though which is interesting. I can see So much more at night. But I think I need reading glasses now? Can’t make out squat near my face in the day.”  

Shuffling around in the pockets of my oversized 90s jacket, I retrieved a packet of dried wasabi peas and munched away as I talked.

“I’m like, crazy strong. No kidding, I accidentally ripped my favourite jeans on the second day of being a vampire. Just tugged them a liiiittle too hard and bam, ruined pants.”

“Have you got fangs?” Vanessa peered closer at my mouth. It would have been better to ask that before I started eating.

“Fangs for the memories, even if they weren’t so- nah, I’m just kidding. I got them.” I bared my teeth at them, poking the lengthened canines with an index finger. “They’re sharp as anything. I’ve drunk more of my own blood than anyone else’s ‘cause I keep biting my freaking tongue. Reminds me of being little and sucking a candy cane into a shank. I’m surprised none of us got an impromptu festive tongue piercing off those things.”

“Speaking of blood… Do you need to drink it now?” They both leaned forward, anxious for my answer.

“Oi, quit it with the looks. I’m not going to freaking bite you. I’m not some mindless animal, I’m just me. Just Jessie.”

“Is there a difference there?” Michael’s ribbing was, for once, welcome.

“Hardy har. Yes, I mean, technically, I have to consume blood. But, like, the pamphlet seems to say that it’s basically a supplement more than anything so I’ve just gotta eat normal stuff and chuck back a shot or two after.”

“Okay, two things. First, human blood?”

“Again. Eww. Do you have any idea how many diseases are in human blood? There’s a reason we haven’t literally eaten the rich yet. To be fair, I’m somewhat immortal now so I won’t get sick physically, but emotionally? Imagine the toll.”

“So how do you..?”

“You know you can just go to the butchers and buy blood right? It’s like an actual cooking ingredient. It comes in blocks. It tastes like satan’s toe jam but you just gotta chuck it back real quick. Or, I’m getting a fondness for black pudding. It too tastes like feet but isn’t as bad.”

Vanessa took a thoughtful sip of her drink. “Okay. Second thing. Pamphlet?”

“Oh yeah, this thing.” I fished it out of my other pocket, passing it to them. The vampire pr committee went to great lengths to make it cute with little cartoon vampires giving advice on this time of change, talking about how your body is changing and the strange things you may feel.

“Aww that’s super cute.” Vanessa pointed to a little vampire on the cover, handing it to Michael when she was finished skimming.

“I know right. Apparently they got tired of the old program where you get bitten and have to have an awkward talk with the weirdo who kinda killed you.”

Michael handed the pamphlet back. “Speaking of, what was it like living with a vampire for a week?”

I groaned. “Oh my god, he was insufferable. At first it was like ‘I vill show you ze vorld, shining shimmering splendour va ha ha’ which was neat but then it got all ‘I’ve turned you into a monster! You will suffer for eternity! Woe is ze life of an immortal. I am so sorry va ha ha’. Which I’m like, yeah you could have at least asked my name first or waited for my hair to grow out a little instead of sticking me with this too short for the long style, too long for the short style do I’ve gotta rock for the rest of time, but all in all, it’s not the worst that could happen so chill a little maybe?”

“Aw, poor guy. He doesn’t sound that bad.” Vanessa was much less, judgey, than me. I kinda felt bad for ripping on the man.

“Okay, he’s not terrible, but the lamenting. God, the lamenting. ‘Woe is me, I have seen so many seasons I can not even remember my age.’ Why don’t you just get a calculator and subtract this year from your birth year? Then you can know that bit. ‘Oh, but ze isolation! My human friends are long dead and buried!’ That’s super sucky bro. Why don’t you make some new friends and ask if they want to be turned? Or like, go on immortalsingles.com and get a butt touch buddy? With the internet age, it’s a lot easier to connect. ‘oh but who could love a monster like me? I haven’t even seen my face in five hundred years va ha ha.’ There is a Whole genre of people online (and in line) for that. And just, update your mirrors. Get a cheap one and it won’t have silver in it and you can see your face again. I kinda think he just enjoys lamenting. If he’d get with the times, things wouldn’t be half as unpleasant for him.”

“You’re not a very empathetic listener, are you.” That’s a lot coming from the guy who was going to stone me fifteen minutes ago.

“Hey! I hooked him up to the internet and gave him my number. I didn’t just leave him.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever you say Jessie.” Michael got up, brushing his jeans off and stretching. Vanessa and I followed suit. One thing remained on my mind. Something I needed to prepare myself for.

“Okay, before we head home, I have one last, very important question.”

They looked at me quizzically.

“Has anyone been looking after my Tamagotchi?”  

-----

Tag List

@snobbysnekboi, @inkovert, @kainablue, @i-rove-rock-n-roll, and @goblin-writer

[thisislizheather]

January Jewels 2020

I’ve purposely put off writing this monthly wrap-up because, well, christ. January was a terrible month. I don’t need to go into the details of why, but the consensus from everyone that I’ve talked to fully agrees with me on this. What the hell happened? Starting a new decade is supposed to be great. In any case, I’ll always have high hopes for the future. And I’m just thankful to begin a new month. Here’s what went down in the pit that was January 2020.

First things first, I recapped how my 2019 resolutions turned out. Why don’t more people do this? Where’s the accountability in reviewing your past resolutions? They’re not fucking birthday wishes, they’re intentions! More people need to follow through with this, even if the results aren’t what you hoped for.

I made my 2020 resolutions.

I fell absolutely in love with this sketch.

I did two podcasts with Nathan - one where we talked about the pope incident and one where I absolutely scream at him about Hillary.

I read Jenny Slate’s new book as well as a tiny little book about how to live a good life.

I ended up buying another J. Crew swimsuit (the same one I bought a few months ago, but this time in red) and I have no regrets.

In love with Trader Joe’s (dairy free) coconut whipped cream, I can’t stop using it in hot chocolate.

I rewatched (or watched for the first time, I truly can’t remember) The Staircase and it’s so good. I’m pretty sure Marla got me MP3 copies of this years ago and I did watch it, but I completely forgot about it in detail. Such a good watch. If you’ve already seen it, do you know about the owl theory? It’s a wild one, but, like, I think an owl did it now?

I’ve been using a small bottle of OUAI’s Wave Spray and if I can figure out how to not overspray it, it’s a great product. Once you use it though, your hair only looks good that day. After you sleep on it, your hair looks like shit. (Is that true of all hair products? I have absolutely no idea.)

Bought this Banana Republic top for $13 on sale and I love it because it does not feel like it cost so little.

I don’t know if it’s a Canadian brand but I have found a wicked alternative to Dollarama: Buck or Two. I went to one in Brampton and they’ve got everything.

I watched most of the SNL with Jennifer Lopez and wow did it suck. 99% of the sketches were basically “She’s pretty. That’s the joke.” Fucking hated it. They do this a lot of the time with certain actresses and I can’t ever tell if it’s because the actress loves doing these sketches or they’re afraid she can’t be funny. Whatever the reason is, blow my brains out, please.

I went to the Ear Inn in the city and it was lovely! Super old place. Service was great. Burger was great.

I went to Glossier with the intention of buying the cheek stain and then decided against it. It’s not a good product. I literally pinched my cheeks and got a better rosiness.

I came across probably my favourite winter children’s book of all time, The Snowman by Raymond Briggs. Look at one page of this magic.

I was so happy to hear about this matter finally being settled in New York.

I went to The Dutch again for Restaurant Week for their steak tartare and it’s just heaven on a plate.

I rewatched the great What Lies Beneath and man, it’s still just such a great movie.

As you may have heard, Papyrus is going out of business, so I’ve popped in twice to see what the closing deals are and they aren’t worth it yet (only 30% off! C’mon! I won’t get out of bed for at least 60%), so I’ll keep stopping in every so often until they’ve become desperate.

Love this part of a recent SNL (below). (If you can’t see it in Canada, search for “white male rage SNL.”

I finally went to Boulud Sud for their pasta happy hour and man was it not worth it. The place has a terrible setup if you’re sitting at the bar, the food was absolutely nothing special and had ridiculous portion sizes. It’s also a bad sign when the bread is tastier than the entree. Super disappointing.

I tried on the bras and underwear from LIVELY in Soho and even though it’s priced reasonably, I couldn’t find anything I loved. I have a feeling that I could be into it though, so I’ll go again sometime in the future for sure.

I’ll forever love the lunch special at Pil Pil on the Upper East Side. I know I probably bring this up too much, but man. Love tapas.

I can’t stop buying sunglasses for sale at ALDO. And I won’t.

I finished season one of The West Wing and it was really good. I keep forgetting about it, but I should stick with it. People, like, loved that show, didn’t they?

I started using Sol De Janeiro’s Bum Bum Cream… on my butt. That’s what it’s for, no? So far, I mean… it feels smooth? It’s not at all greasy, which I like. Seems weird to have a cream just for your butt, but who am I to criticize.

Ate the fish tacos at Summer Salt and they’re good! It’s insane and great that they sell margaritas at a fast casual place, too.

Very into this Pat McGrath mascara that I got as a Sephora reward.

Love this Wells For Boys sketch (below) from a few years ago that I just saw for the first time (thanks for showing me, Irene!)

I haven’t been there in years, but I went to Sweet Afton for happy hour in Astoria the other day and had the pickle martini which actually wasn’t terrible. Love that place.

Tried the lunch burger at Peter Luger finally! And yes it was a good burger (love that they use American cheese and the bun was very good even though it's not a potato bun). Steakhouse burgers are always hard for me to rate since a steakhouse burger is a real *entree* unlike the regular, everyday burgers that other places have which are not as big and overwhelming. An everyday burger is easy to rate since it's either great, overrated or shit. A steakhouse burger has nuances, how juicy is too juicy? How's the quality of the meat? What are the ideal toppings? Should someone shoot me for my extensive burger thoughts? Yes.

I went to see a free orchestral performance put on by Julliard at Lincoln Center and it was great. It reminded me so much of going to my brother Gary’s recitals when I was a kid, just loved it.

Had dinner at Portale. The pasta was insane. This place might be a rival for L’Artusi! Dare I say it! Every bite was phenomenal. MUST return. (Noteworthy: it also just got two stars in the Times.)

LOVED this piece about Ricky Gervais and the Golden Globes. Favourite line: “The least risky thing in the world is announced apathy.“

Maybe you don’t know this, but 90% of post offices in the U.S. have bulletproof glass between the workers and the customers. It’s obviously because awful things have happened, but I’ve been going to this one post office in the city on 23rd street that doesn’t have the glass and the workers are SO MUCH MORE PLEASANT. I wish all locations were like this one. Just a thought.

Just bought another one of these UNIQLO shirts that I love in dark grey.

Every January I make sure to:

Mark down all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries (Valentine’s Day, Daylight Saving Times, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving)

Check expiration dates for passport/license/health card/insurance and write down any important renewal dates

I’ve watched the first two new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and it fucking blows. There was only one thing I laughed at (when a server thought Larry was “oggling” her but he was really just keeping an eye on her tray with pigs in blankets) but OTHER THAN THAT, what a piece of shit season so far! I fucking hated the part in one episode where he videotapes the consent given between him and some woman as they’re making out. ALSO, and this has happened a few times over the seasons, he’s recycling fucking Seinfeld jokes. FROM THE SHOW. Talking about when it’s too late to get “Happy New Year-ed”? Are we kidding here?! Fucking lazy as hell. I might just stop watching.

I watched the new Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix and it’s really good. Even if you have zero opinion on her, I really liked it. (It also introduced me to this great song.)

Things that I’m looking forward to this month: seeing a Raptors game at Barclays Center, finally sitting down and watching season two of Shrill in its entirety, reading Joan Rivers’ book Enter Talking and and maybe going to another Restaurant Week lunch before the end date. February, please oh please don’t be as terrible as January.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in December over here!

[sage-nebula]

I caught up on Miraculous Ladybug a couple days ago, so I thought I’d jot some thoughts down now that I’ve seen every episode and have a clearer scope on the series and characters as a whole.

First and foremost, let me just say that I think people take this show way too seriously. As I mentioned before, all I saw before I actually sat down to watch the second season for myself was hate and negativity. People bashed the show, the creators, and so on and so forth left and right. The thing is, sure, there are concepts in this show that could be taken deeper if this was meant to be a serious, deep show. But it’s pretty clear that’s not the case. Miraculous Ladybug is a bit like a ‘90s action cartoon, albeit one with a shoujo flavoring. It’s meant to have about as much depth as, say, Jackie Chan Adventures. The characters do learn lessons and develop, sure, but the creators don’t hold true and fast to those lessons because their main objective is to entertain via monster of the week battles and the occasional plot movement here or there. That’s not to say that there aren’t areas where the show could be improved, but it is to say that this show isn’t meant to be a sprawling epic and is instead just a shallow, fun show to watch and unwind with. But regardless of what it’s meant to be, I think that people in the Miraculous Ladybug fandom should remember that no one is holding a gun to their head, forcing them to watch. If the show isn’t to their tastes, if they’re not having fun, if all it does is make them angry and miserable, they should stop watching. That’s what I did with Voltron: Legendary Defender. Of course I still hear things about it that make me mad, but I’m far less devastated than I would be if I had to watch the nonsense unfold in front of me (not to mention that I stopped feeling stress leading up to new season releases because I stopped watching the show). This is a cartoon about teenage superheroes. You’re not obligated to watch. If it’s not fun for you, go do something else. Find a new series to get into. I promise you, your life will only improve if you do.

That said:

Aside from the above, probably the most unpopular opinion I have about this show is that Gabriel Agreste is hands down the most interesting character. It might be because I’m an adult rather than a teenager myself, but I’m not that interested in the high school romances the show has to offer (and when I am, I prefer rarepairs that will never happen, lol), but I am interested in Gabriel’s history, what led to him becoming Hawk Moth, and how he continues to deal with that in the present day. Romance-wise, I think that Gabriel/Nathalie has the potential to be the most interesting ship on the show. I think that episodes that focus on the Agreste family and their history are the most interesting ones. And while Gabriel is clearly a villain and has done some awful things, I’m interested to see if they’ll successfully make him a tragic villain, because I feel the groundwork has already been laid out for that to be the case.

I’m crossing every finger I have that when Emilie Agreste is awoken from her coma, it’s revealed that she’s ten times the villain Gabriel ever was. Part of this is because I heard it said somewhere that Mayura was Hawk Moth’s boss, and yet we know that’s not the case with Gabriel and Nathalie; part of it is also because I’ve seen so many “OMG I WANT EMILIE TO GET FULL CUSTODY OF ADRIEN!!11!!” posts that give off the vibe of “mothers could never be abusive” and that rubs me the wrong way. (Same with “Nathalie needs to adopt Adrien” posts; she clearly doesn’t care about him half as much as she cares about Gabriel, stop acting like she’s a better parent than Gabriel just because she has a surplus of estrogen.) We know that Adrien has fond memories of Emilie and that she took sweet pictures of him, but: a.) If she was nice to Adrien, that doesn’t mean she wasn’t a villain to everyone else, and b.) She could have easily been the type of abuser to guilt trip and manipulate rather than neglect like Gabriel, meaning that Adrien might not have recognized her abuse for what it was and might have instead felt that any time she was upset, it was his fault, and c.) It’s entirely possible that Gabriel would have taken the brunt of whatever abuse was doled out in order to protect Adrien, with Adrien being none the wiser Any one of those possibilities could be true, but the fact that people don’t even want to acknowledge that Emilie could be terrible to reeks of “she’s his mother, of course she wouldn’t abuse him,” which I just don’t vibe with at all. Gabriel is an abusive parent as well (though we can see that he does care about Adrien, though not enough to stop what he’s doing), but that doesn’t mean that Emilie is great. The fact that Gabriel’s love toward Emilie is so unhealthy speaks to the fact that there was more to her (and their relationship) than meets the eye. (And yes, Gabriel’s love for her is unhealthy, and severely detrimental to his quality of life. Since losing Emilie, Gabriel has: - Not gone outside even for a moment, instead staying locked up in his manor all day. It’s noted several times in both “Style Queen” and “Queen Wasp” that his appearance in the latter episode was the first time he’s shown his face in public since Emilie disappeared. - Cut off practically every relationship he has and socially isolated himself from everyone else, including those who would show him any sort of love or affection, to the point where it catches him off-guard when someone---even his own son---does. - Neglects any other kind of needs in his life outside of those that are either necessary to support his family (his work) or bringing back Emilie. We never see him having fun, spending time with others, or even taking time to relax and recuperate. - Become extremely paranoid and mistrustful of others, keeping secrets from just about everyone and casting a suspicious eye on anyone he comes across. He’s also paranoid about the safety of his one remaining family member. Particularly with regards to how Gabriel has isolated himself from practically everyone save Emilie, I would argue that Gabriel’s abuse and neglect of Adrien is continuing a cycle from what Gabriel himself has experienced as a result of Emilie’s “disappearance,” and possibly even beforehand. Which of course DOES NOT excuse what he does to Adrien, but it might explain it. All in all, the relationship we see between Gabriel and Nathalie is far healthier than what we’ve been given of Gabriel and Emilie, and I’m curious to see if this continues in later episodes.)

I love Luka, and I really hope that we see more of him. Additional thoughts:

Upon watching “Captain Hardrock,” I got the vibe that Luka might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. I hesitate to say this because the last time I made an autistic headcanon I was screamed at for it and deemed a horrible person, but particularly with how Luka said that it’s easier for him to communicate through music rather through words, how he often looks down at his guitar instead of right at people (though he does make eye contact sometimes), how he tried to joke around with Marinette but ended up hurting her feelings and looked genuinely panicked / upset that he did so . . . I don’t know, I just kind of got that vibe from him. Like maybe he’s on the autism spectrum and music is his special interest, particularly because it’s a lot easier for him to convey what he’s feeling / thinking through music rather than through words, particularly without upsetting other people (because most people don’t get angry or upset when they hear music, whereas they might with his words). I think it’s be really neat to have the cool, suave character on the autism spectrum, anyway.

I don’t understand why people say Luka has no personality when he has about as much personality as any other character on the show, particularly the classmates. How does Luka have less personality than Nathaniel, or Rose, or Max? I think the real reason why people want to say Luka is “cardboard” and therefore a bad character is because he “threatens the love square,” which is nonsense. All Luka is doing is living his best life. (And the same goes for Kagami, tbh.) Let him live.

On that note, though, I prefer Luka/Marinette to Marinette/Adrien at this point. Marinette/Adrien has had some really sweet moments as well, and I still ship it (and know it’s endgame anyway), but at the moment the way Adrien behaves when he’s Chat makes him feel like he has a Nice Guy complex toward Ladybug, and I’m not here for that. “Glaciator” was one thing, but how he behaved in “Frozer” was unacceptable. I don’t hate the ship, but I much prefer Luka/Marinette, particularly since Luka has genuine interest from Marinette and has never been afraid to treat her like a princess, but at the same time will encourage her to go be happy when he realizes she has stronger feelings for someone else.

I wish that Luka would get the Dog Miraculous instead of the Snake Miraculous, but at least he’s getting one regardless, I guess.

I do think it’s an issue that all of Marinette’s love rivals are antagonistic in some way or another. Chloe is . . . Chloe, Lila is a compulsive liar who’s addicted to evil butterflies, and Kagami . . . honestly didn’t do a single thing wrong, but she was still characterized as being somewhat forward and antagonistic rather than sweet and perfectly nice like Adrien’s love rivals. I feel that this show has a bit of an issue with pitting girls against each other over a boy, and since Adrien’s not even that great of a boy (I like him fine, but he’s honestly not worth ladies fighting over), it rubs me the wrong way and I hope that, in season three, Marinette and Kagami can become friends.

Rose’s English voice (in season two, at least) is literally the worst thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of hearing. She sounds like a chipmunk that sucked helium. No teenage girl actually sounds like that, what in the honest hell.

For that matter, Juleka’s English VA had a real bad day in “Zombiezou.” I’ve never heard more emotionless voice acting in my entire life, and for a zombie apocalypse parody episode, that’s a real issue.

For the most part I think that most of the “omg why can’t they recognize each other!!1!!!!111″ nonsense that I’ve seen around the fandom is just that, nonsense, because being unable to see through a paper-thin disguise is a superhero staple, and this show has even gone the extra mile to explain it’s the magic of the suits protecting their identities. That said, there have been a couple instances where I felt like Adrien and Marinette should have gotten suspicious or had questions, and most notably in “Frightengale.” Both of them had great reasons for not wanting to put on the Chat Noir and Ladybug masks, but what they both failed to consider or question is why the other person had such an issue. Like, Adrien knows that he doesn’t want to put on the mask because he’s the real Chat Noir and people will recognize him. But didn’t it strike him as odd that Marinette had similar objections to putting on the Ladybug mask? And the same is true in reverse. Marinette knew why she didn’t want to dress up as Ladybug for the video, but didn’t she ever wonder why Adrien was reluctant? I guess they were both too wrapped up in their own drama to consider it, which makes sense if you consider they’re teenagers, but it’s still something you’d think they’d ponder over later.

On that note, Plagg and Tikki are the real heroes for having to put up with this love square nonsense in-universe. Pour one out for them.

Adrien being a Nice Guy while he’s Chat Noir is an issue, but I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he said in “Malediktator” or “Chameleon”, and here’s why:

In “Malediktator”, Adrien was upset that the only person who provided him any company or friendship was leaving the country for an indefinite amount of time because she was upset, and he never even got to say goodbye to her. Note that (at least in the English version), Adrien never says that Marinette or the others can’t celebrate; he just says that he, personally, finds Chloe leaving to be awful, and objects to Marinette calling Chloe useless (which is a reasonable thing to object to, because in honesty saying someone is useless is pretty harsh and terrible). He then goes and sits quietly by himself, waiting for the party to be over. People have grown angry with him for this because Marinette was bullied by Chloe for years and they think that he should see her side of things, but the fact of the matter is that the people who make those claims aren’t seeing Adrien’s side of things, which Marinette herself realized when he left to go sit by himself. Here’s the thing: Neither Marinette nor Adrien were in the wrong. Marinette is perfectly entitled to be ecstatic that her bully is leaving forever, particularly since she’s Ladybug and said bully akumatizes people all the time and this will make less work for her. She wasn’t doing anything wrong by celebrating Chloe leaving, although again, saying that someone is useless is crossing a line (particularly since, as we find out later in the episode, Chloe already believes she’s useless because of her mother’s emotional abuse). Marinette didn’t do anything wrong. But Adrien is also perfectly entitled to be upset that his childhood friend---the only person who gave him companionship during his incarceration in his own home---is leaving on a bad note. If Chloe was leaving perfectly happily, I think he’d feel differently. He’d be happy for her. But he’s seen a side of Chloe that no one else has, and moreover, Adrien tends to be rather compassionate for other people’s struggles (something Kagami calls him out on). It’s perfectly understandable that he’s upset that his oldest friend is leaving on a bad note, and that he didn’t get to say goodbye to her besides. Moreover, since it was a shock to him, it’s natural that he didn’t realize how his words might have sounded to one of Chloe’s victims, especially since Marinette herself didn’t bring up the fact that Chloe had bullied her, but instead just said Chloe was awful and useless (which, as her friend, Adrien naturally rankled against).  This isn’t a situation of one being right and the other being wrong. This is a situation of two people coming at a situation from different perspectives, and feeling differently as a result.

As for “Chameleon,” as I believe I’ve explained elsewhere, Adrien was looking at the situation from the perspective of Chat Noir. If they upset Lila, she’s going to get akumatized again. This is something he knows for a fact, because it has happened multiple times now (at least twice that he knows of). Akumatizing Lila over and over again isn’t going to accomplish anything meaningful. All it’s going to do is create more work for Chat Noir and Ladybug, which Adrien wants to avoid. Adrien is looking at the bigger picture, which is hoping that perhaps Lila can become a better person, and if not, it’s better to pick your battles so that you can ultimately win the war rather than picking a fight every other day. He wasn’t wrong, and I strongly feel that people who insist he was are those that are projecting onto Marinette and just want to live through her as she stomps her bullies into the dirt.

Which, on that note, I find it really funny how people who claim to hate Chloe are the same people that like fan content where Marinette is being “petty” and “salty” and no better than Chloe herself. I agree that Marinette’s friends (sans Adrien) didn’t have her back in “Chameleon,” and that Alya’s behavior was especially out of character (and kind of funny at the end, because . . . yes, Alya, we do think you’d let your best friend sit alone, because you already did that, lol), but to imagine that Marinette Dupain-Cheng would suddenly take every single opportunity to insult and tear them down is completely missing the point of who Marinette is and why she’s a better person than people like Chloe (at present) and Lila. Again, I can only imagine this is self-projection of the “I wish I had been able to do this” variety, but I still find it really ironic that the people who hate Chloe and Lila make Marinette act almost exactly like them. (Also, it says something if you think Alya being a jerk once makes it all right for Marinette to treat her like dirt. For two seasons Alya was the best best friend someone could ask for. She made a mistake in one single episode, and you think Marinette should turn on her? Should say she’s no longer worthy of the Fox Miraculous? Please. That’s not how relationships work. Sometimes there are bumps and low points, but you communicate, work through, and apologize when you make mistakes. No one is perfect, Alya included.)

The first time Gabriel akumatized the baby it was funny because it was clearly an accident and he was just working with what he had (and it was a struggle). The second time I suppose it just happened because of all the akuma that were out at the time. But why was the baby akumatized again in “Weredad”? What purpose did that serve? What were you doing, Gabriel? Why this, again? Part of me feels like it was done because the writers needed a giant akuma, but like . . . there have been others . . . why the baby when he didn’t even want to akumatize the baby in the first place, I just . . . why.

Chloe’s transformation sequence has a similar grace to it that Adrien’s does (and tbh I like it a little more, especially with the toe tap and whatnot), and it makes me think that she’s secretly as much of a weeb as he is and they probably watched Sailor Moon together.

I like the unique transformation phrases in the English dub, but I wish that there was a bit more variety. Three out of five are “on/off” variants, and I like it when they’re a bit more creative like “claws in/out” or “let’s pounce.” Hopefully the transformations for future Miraculouses will be a bit more creative.

There are probably other thoughts but this is all I have for right now. Curious about the upcoming episodes and I’m surprised we got season three so soon, but also I imagine the release schedule might not be consistent, so there’s that, too. In any case, this is a cute and fun show so long as you don’t take it too seriously. I’m enjoying it, at least, and as far as I’m concerned that’s all that matters.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[superleeleehipster]

Caryl Speculation S8-9

After the episode last night, and after reading the few interviews Melissa had done for the episode this morning, I kind of felt prompted to speculate about what this season and next season entails for our favorite couple.

This is simply pure speculation under the cut with some SPOILERS from last night and possible spoilers for the future. It’s a bit long (nothing new there XD). I’m sure ppl will agree as well as disagree. Feel free to comment your opinion.

Okay, first of all, I am a die hard Caryl shipper. Just like the lyrics to that 90′s song (can’t remember the name), ‘I will go down with this ship’ b/c it gives me joy and it is something I love being a part of. Now unfortunately we haven’t had many filming spoilers this year b/c much of the filming has happened at the studio, so no one has any clue as to how much Daryl and Carol have filmed together this season. Keeping a few things in mind, I’ve decided there are two outcomes that could happen for our Caryl ship in season 8 and 9. I’ll tell you what the variables are that we have to keep in mind before I say my theories:

A) First thing to think about is what the actors have said about the ship itself. I know quite a few caryl fans were disheartened by Melissa’s comments on one of the interviews last night. Personally, I wasn’t necessarily surprised by what she said, nor does it bother me. You can tell her patience for these kinds of questions are sort of running thin. In fact, you can tell by both actors that these questions are starting to become annoying to answer b/c they really have no answer that would give us 100% satisfaction and stability. Now granted Melissa shows her annoyance more flawlessly than Norman (foot in mouth disease), but you can tell that both are starting to struggle with this question. Keep in mind that both actors have been asked this question arguably since season 2, so 6 years. The first couple of years they were fine with answering, and in fact I’d say those first few years were the years that Norman had the best answers about the Caryl ship. Then the shipping wars happened and they both seemed to become more reserved about answering... then 4 more years of answering the same question over and over again and you’re left with two actors who both seem to be at their wits end about it.

There is only so much you can say after all these years. They have literally said anything and everything you can about the ship without actually flirting that they will go canon, or, “oh hell yeah they’re romantic, and I guarantee they’re gonna fuck in the next episode.” Both actors have said that they’re each other’s person, they do love each other and care deeply for one another. Daryl is the most important person to Carol and vice versa. Both actors have also said that there’s always a possibility of a romance between them. In fact one of my favorite answers that both actors have said before is that it goes beyond romance. The bond is beyond a friendship, a familial relationship, a romantic relationship, which is how I feel about them. They’re the epitome of soulmates in my opinion.

Melissa’s answers last night, I feel, is exactly how both of them feel about these questions. “I don’t know what else to say about it. It’s basically whatever ppl want to see”. In other words, Mel has said practically everything she’s allowed to, but she herself doesn’t know. So what else can she say after all this time? I don’t necessarily think she said Caryl won’t happen, I just got the impression that she just kind of threw her hands up and said, “Look, I’ve said all I can say. I understand ppl ship them and I wish I had a better answer, but I don’t. I’m sorry.”

B) Second thing to keep in mind is AMC and their promoting shenanigans. Now part of me feels like there’s no way Caryl won’t happen this season simply b/c of all the promoting they have done during the pre-season and even the low key promoting during the season so far. I mean, let’s be honest, they have never promoted Caryl this hard before. But another part of me is side eyeing it b/c it coincides with the HUGE rating drop from the season before. So I’m not sure if they’re promoting it simply to get ppl excited and watching TWD again and that’s it, or will they give us more.

We also have to keep in mind that no matter what, there will always be a fraction of the GA that won’t like Caryl going canon. It’s unfortunate to admit, but they know that part of the appeal with Daryl is that he’s the “hot bachelor” of the show. Every show has them, and every network knows that once you pair the hot dude with someone, there’s a good chance not as many ppl will tune in. Same thing with simply shipping a couple. Once they’re together, the show becomes less appealing. It sucks, I don’t like that they’re possibly thinking this way, but it happens all the time. AMC will lose fans no matter what, no matter how small, and right now, they don’t want to lose any more than they got. HOWEVER, it would be a very dumb move on AMC’s part to flirt and promote Caryl and not give us anything. They can’t afford to lose the die hard Carylers, so they HAVE to give us something. 

Now that I’ve bored you all with a bunch of hoopla, I’ll tell you the two scenarios that I’ve been speculating for our Caryl ship:

1) First theory is the less likely of the two. I call this theory my “compromise” theory b/c I feel that its a “meet me halfway” between AMC, Caryl shippers, and the GA who don’t necessarily ship them (Not including the haters/ageists or ABC/D’ers). Whether you ship these two characters or not, you cannot deny the fact that they have an incredible bond with amazing chemistry. Even though we’ve never seen them become romantic, and even though their dialogue has been shit sometimes, Melissa and Norman steal the screen with their natural chemistry. AMC knows that, hence all the promos and the 8x01 hug and the ‘Carol hear’s Daryl’s bike and smirks knowingly’ (I’ll admit, I squealed out loud when I saw that). So what AMC might do is meet us halfway. As in, at the end of the war, Daryl and Carol do live together/near each other, and are always together, but the possible romantic/intimate side of their relationship is never disclosed.

In other words, give what the vast majority of the entire audience wants, which is Caryl scenes, and Caryl hanging out together and just being near each other and happy together. But all the while still keeping Daryl as a lone wolf so that they wouldn’t lose part of the DD fanbase that is all about the “hot bachelor”. In fact, I could see them creating both Daryl and Carol as the lone wolves of their group, and they naturally just stick together after the war but don’t take that final intimate step. B/c, honestly, I do believe that in regards to both Carol and Daryl, it’s either them together, or no one. That’s not a biased Caryl shipper opinion on my part, that’s from a writer’s/character’s perspective. There is no one else Daryl would be able to have a romantic relationship with other than Carol, and vice versa. It just wouldn’t work with anyone else, especially after their similar, harsh backstories.

Now, personally, I think it would be a horrible idea for AMC to dangle Caryl as much as they have without giving us something. And I also think it would be bad taste for them to have them ‘together’ but not intimately together, so my second theory is still not only the better option, but also the more likely option. Season 8 is the perfect time for them to go canon, even if it is by the end of the season. I want more than anything in the world for Daryl and Carol to be a couple, and I think it could be an incredible new character arc for both of them. AND US CARYLERS DESERVE NICE THINGS!!!... ehm... But unfortunately, I have to take into account the ppl who actually write, produce, and run the show... b/c we’re stuck with them and not these beautiful writers I see on tumblr.

2) This is a no brainer, Caryl goes canon by the end of the season. I say “by” b/c I really am not sure how they would go about it. Would they mirror the canon moment like Richonne, where they would have them kiss during 8x10 (like 6x10)? Would they have something happen during the mid season finale to keep people tuned in? Would they have it at the end of the season after the war’s over? I’m just not sure yet b/c the filming spoilers have been sub par at best.

But there are two ideas that I’ve fiddled around with that I like (although to be honest, I like any kind of Caryl canon ideas. I’m not picky AMC!!). The first one is the idea that we see the first steps in Daryl and Carol’s relationship after the war in the season finale (intimate hand holding, a shy first kiss, etc). At the same time, we’ll get flash forwards again, except Rick will see how Daryl and Carol’s relationship has blossomed after all the years that have passed by. Maybe we could see Daryl kissing Carol passionately in front of everyone like it’s no big business, or maybe even a sex scene in the future and showing how confident they both are b/c they’ve made love before (sigh).

Now fair warning on this second idea. I won’t say the spoiler, but I will be hinting at a MAJOR UNCONFIRMED SPOILER in this theory. Again, I won’t blab, but I will refer to it, so skip this paragraph if you don’t even want to hear references to it. Another theory of mine is that Caryl will go canon during the mid season finale b/c there’s a very big event that happens in the mid season finale/premiere. This event (if true) will shock TWD fandom to it’s core, and it’s something that AMC I’m sure knows would cause an uproar (again, if true). It’s so big that I seriously doubt Daryl or Carol will die this season b/c AMC wouldn’t be able to afford it. So for AMC to save face, they might have to give the fans something to cheer for the second half of the season b/c there might possibly be a boycott for TWD after mid season finale... yeah, it’s that bad.

Now like I said above, no matter what, I do believe that Daryl and Carol are soulmates and that they will stick together after the war no matter what. Everyone can agree that they should be together (whether in a platonic way or romantic). To me, just like with what both Mel and Norman have said before, Caryl is beyond a romantic or friendly relationship. You can’t label what they have b/c it’s one of the purest relationships I’ve ever seen on television. It has every type of relationship in one. The only label I would put on them is soulmates, b/c they really are each other’s half. They don’t feel complete without the other, and they feel at ease when they know the other is safe. Both of the actors agree that they’re the most important persons in their character’s lives, as well as the closest.

I know many ppl have gone over this but both Daryl and Carol have shown that they are each other’s exception. Daryl had the same fierce revenge during the 2nd half of season 7 as he does now in season 8. But the only time he was not willing to take an opportunity to kill the saviors was when it put Carol’s life in danger. Vice versa, Carol shooed everyone away from her creeptastic house... everyone except Daryl. He was the only one she invited in, the only one she hugged without hesitation, the only one that was able to make her laugh and smile for the first time in god knows how long. I know we’ve said this before, but 7x10 happened for a reason. It didn’t progress the main story line whatsofuckingever, yet TWD was willing to spend money to give the audience Caryl for basically half of an episode. Gee I wonder why.

I can go on about 7x10 and the significance of it but I’m pretty sure we’ve beaten that dead horse enough.

Does my first theory mean that I’ve lost hope in the Caryl ship? Of course not, it’s just speculation. I know others have said this before me, and I agree, I will not stop the hope for Caryl to go canon until one or both is dead. There is always a chance, and honestly, I think season 8 has the most potential for something to happen between them by the end of it. If one thing gives me comfort, it’s that Gimple does like Caryl. He knows it’s a big ship, and he plants easter eggs for it all the time. So if anything, he may even want Carol and Daryl to go canon too.

Also, after watching last night’s episode, it’s pretty much confirmed to me that Carzekiel isn’t going to happen. The sound of Daryl’s motorcycle gave Carol more joy than any time she was around Zeke. The mere rumbling of the motorcycle caused her to smile like she just got her favorite toy at christmas, despite just being shot at ruthlessly, and the threat of being eaten alive still looming over her. I’m sure Carol and Ezekiel will develop a good, close friendship, but in regards to romantic? I don’t think so.

Anyways, these are my thoughts. I still very much believe that Caryl is endgame, and that season 8 still looks promising to me. I think my first theory is still more likely to happen. Either way, I believe Caryl will wind up living together after the war, and I cannot wait for them to have nothing to stand in their way between them. No matter how intimate they become, they deserve to grieve, to heal, and to finally be happy again. And the happiest I have ever seen these two is when they are together.

Caryl on guys!

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #461

Top Ten Good Things That Actually Happened in 2020

Well, thank God that’s over, am I right?

It feels kinda weird to be sitting here looking back over the wreckage and general weirdness of 2020, a year that pretty much defines the word “anxiety”. I have a lot to be thankful for: none of us died, for a start; we all seemed to avoid The Plague in its entirety for the whole year. We still have a house, we still have food, we always had enough toilet paper, and above all we had each other. It was hard, it was long, it sucked a great deal at times, but there are substantially worse hands to be dealt all things considered.

Anyway, amongst all the crap, there were some good things, too. And I don’t mean the end-year highs of them finding a vaccine, Biden beating Trump, and us narrowly avoiding No Deal by eating a ton of rotten mud instead of actual shit. No, throughout the year, there were actually some things that happened that were genuinely good; great, even.

And so once again, with no further ado, here are my ten favourite things. Like usual, these are, y’know, things that I watched or played or whatever. I don’t go on about my great kids being great, or the fact that I finally finished writing and formatting enough children’s books to start showing them to agents. But my kids were both elected their respective class’s reps to the school council, which is pretty badass. Here you go. Ten good things. Watch them on catch-up, or whatever.

Mega Mando: without a doubt the best “thing” that I saw was the second season of The Mandalorian. Managing to be both an event-of-the-week show (a heist! An infiltration! A siege!) as well as a long-form narrative; feeling distinct and its own thing but tying into so many aspects of Star Wars; full of absolutely excellent scenes and direction and performances; and holy crap what an ending. When you watch a few of these kinds of shared-universe genre shows, this sort of thing is a rarity to the point of my never having seen it before. Seasons that are too long? Filler episodes? Disappointing lore? A “thirteen-hour movie”? Mando swerves all of these things and – notwithstanding my love for The Last Jedi – emerges as possibly the best thing Star Wars has done since at least the classic LucasArts games of the late nineties.

Series SeXy: finally the new consoles came out, and I got an Xbox Series X. It was quite a ride for yours truly: I managed to successfully pre-order one from Microsoft directly; it turned up on the day of release, except it was late in the evening and the kids were around so I couldn’t open it; then, after briefly testing it, I shoved it back in its box till Christmas. Honestly, you wanna talk about anticipation much? It was literally in my house and I still didn’t properly set it up till the evening on Christmas Day. Anyway: it’s great. It just works, y’know? It’s a beautiful boxy delight, with its chunky green holes and its shiny edges. It makes all my games look amazing, it’s so fast and buttery-smooth. It’s like upgrading a PC, but far more successful and expansive an upgrade than I was ever able to do when I was actually upgrading a PC. Anyway, it’s great. It even runs Cyberpunk 2077.

Lockdown Crossing: Animal Crossing: New Horizons arrived at exactly the right time. Lockdown was starting, everything was darkness and fear, people were dying, we needed distractions, and here was a game about being happy and friendly and doing up your house and digging up fossils. It was perfect. It was also a great social game, with my kids loving sending presents to each other, or meeting up with their uncle (who they literally saw only once this year). A great game at just the right time.

The Stream Where it Happens: Mando might have been my TV highlight of the year, but film-wise my favourite new movie was not only not really a movie but was also several years old. Hamilton popped up almost by surprise on Disney+, and it was the first time I’d been able to experience it – and it was just as good as I’d heard. At this point you don’t need me to rhapsodise about the lyricism, performance, staging, and West Wing references; I think you either get it or you don’t, and I got it big time. Weirdly, experiencing it at home made some kind of perfect sense, and it made up for missing out on the big cinematic musicals such as In the Heights and West Side Story.

Fantabulous Harley Quinn: Harley rocked on both the big and the small screen this year. Birds of Prey, or whatever it ended up being called, was actually the last film I saw at the cinema before the Big Shutdown of 2020. It’s not perfect, sure, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun; Margot Robbie is a blast, it’s really funny, and is edgy in just the right way, rather than feeling like it’s trying too hard. I was more sceptical going into the Harley Quinn animated show (starring Penny off The Big Bang Theory, for goodness’ sake!), as “sweary adult Harley Quinn cartoon” is pretty high on my checklist of “things that are trying to be edgy”, but I’m glad I gave it a chance, because it followed a very similar line to the movie. Hilarious, violent, filthy, but also offering a subtle unpeeling of Harley’s psyche and giving her more character development than she gets in most of her comic appearances. It was a great year for Harley. Just wish they’d show the second season of her show.

All This Plus Disney: yeah, I’ve already singled out Mando and Ham (great unmade detective show, there), but I’ve gotta say Disney+ in general has been a huge highlight. From getting all yer Marvels and yer Star Wars in one place, to a wealth of preschool and middle-grade shows for the kids (my youngest mainlined Vampirina this Spring), to being a home for loads of high-quality family films from years gone by (it was the prime destination for many a family movie night), to, well, the future. WandaVision launches in a couple of weeks, followed by dozens of great shows and movies; not just ones about sad superheroes, either – personally I can’t wait for the likes of Chip & Dale. I’ve gotta say, I’ve been really impressed, and once they roll out the sexier, swearier Fox stuff later this year, it’ll only get better.

A Schitt Year: we got into Schitt’s Creek rather late (like many a sitcom – I think we only discovered Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Good Place in the last eighteen months or so), but it’s truly sublime, and it only got better and better as it built towards it joyous climax (ewww, David!). It was a great show about a family of people who were kinda arseholes, but were really very nice underneath it all, and how this town of people who were sorta idiots but kinda nice underneath it all brought out the better natures of everybody. It was, basically, a show about the all-encompassing power of being Nice. I’m so, so happy that it achieved huge success in its final season, winning literally all the Emmys. Hot Schitt.

Top Trek: 2020 was bookended by the two newest incarnations of People Boldly Going, Picard and Discovery. I was super excited to check in with Jean-Luc and pals nearly twenty years since we’d last seen them; although the show wasn’t a Best of Both Worlds-style masterpiece, it presented a believably fractured vision of the Federation, and a sadder, wearier Picard. It got a bit bogged down in Borg stuff, and I wasn’t totally sold on the ending, but I’m very, very eager to spend more time with these characters in future seasons. Discovery, meanwhile, flashed forward, with a season set about 900 years after Picard, and gave us what amounts to the closest Star Trek gets to a dystopia. It took its time settling in, but by crikey it pulled its threads together for a great run of episodes as we gear up to the finale later this week. I’ve very much enjoyed Star Trek on TV this year, and I’m really looking forward to whatever comes next.

Netflickin’ Ass: on the one hand, it was quite nice to see streaming services picking up the slack during the cinema closures, with many films winding up on Prime Video or Netflix or wherever; there were also those “Premium VOD” options, such as Trolls World Tour or Mulan, but I never quite fancied parting with so much cash for a rental (“Only if it’s Black Widow or Wonder Woman,” I said… so, yeah, see you later this month for the latter!). One trend I did notice, however, was Netflix also picking up the slack of “big Hollywood star-driven action movie”. Y’know, the stuff that had Van Damme or Seagal in it in the ‘90s, before everything became franchised (Mission: Impossible could almost fall under this banner, but Cruise became too huge and the series itself eventually was the draw, I’d argue). Anyway, these sorts of films nowadays are low-rent DTV fodder starring slumming former megastars, so fair play to Netflix for resurrecting the genre and giving it a fresh coat of paint and lease of life. Stuff like Extraction and The Old Guard weren’t exactly masterpieces, but they were solidly entertaining with great central performances and some nicely turned-out action. Looking forward to more of the same – bigger, better, and with more people getting killed with rakes!

A Summer of Anticipation: it was a weird year – well, yeah, of course it was, you know, you were there. But one of the things that was weird was that so much was going to happen. I mean, there were loads of things I was looking forward to as the year began; from the MCU and Star Wars shows to big movies, smaller movies, and – of course – new games consoles. And as the year went on, amidst the angsty real-world wait-and-see, there was also a steady drip of news and non-news as we held on to find out which films were pushed back, which were skipping the cinema, and mostly what the games would look like on the new consoles. Barely a week seemed to go by without new rumours, new stories, and new leaked videos or imagery. It was maddening and infuriating but also, weirdly, glorious. This strange ongoing sense of anticipation and wonder, even if quite often the news ended up being disappointing as more and more big hitters slipped to 2021 (everything from Bond to Halo to pretty much the whole MCU). But like an entire year made up of Christmas Eves, it felt for the longest time that anything was possible… just round the corner.

See? It wasn’t all bad. And maybe this year we’ll get to enjoy all the stuff we thought we’d enjoy in 2020! I mean, at the very least, Trump’s gonna be gone… right?

[triathlol]

Rumpus in Bumpass

After devoting wasting all of 2018 running two marathons, I’ve returned to triathlon with my first swim-bike-run since September 2017. For my 10th career tri, I picked the first open water swim of the season at the Rumpus in Bumpass race, located in a lovely part of Virginia only about 90 minutes from DC. 

That was an eventful 90 minutes. 

The Wawa cashier literally LOL’ing at me and asking “is that it?” when I bought a bottle of of advil at 7 in the morning, apparently looking hungover.

Lindsay using both of our phones as mobile hotspots while she tried to submit a story for work with no service to speak of.

Dave throwing up in the car. 

A 30 minute line to get into the parking lot of the damn race.

All of this led to a mad dash to get checked in, apply all of the various stickers, put on my wetsuit, stretch, and fret nervously through a porta-john line. Running a marathon is much more difficult and traumatic event, but getting ready for a tri is a lot more involved. Luckily, the only thing I forgot was 1 GU. I made it out of the transition area with about 4 minutes to spare.

Swim // 0.9 Miles // 33:40 // Strava File

Lindsay zipped me up, Dave (dog, pictured above) gave me a one last nervous stare, and I jumped into ~65 degree Lake Anna. This is the “warm side” of the lake because it receives warm water discharge from the attached nuclear power plant. I haven’t been able to make the case to anyone about how this is safe, but apparently it is.

The plan for the day was to take it slow. After being out of the triathlon game for 18 months, there was no tight range for what I would consider a “good” time. After running three consecutive running races where I was wishing for death at the finish line, I wanted to not do that this time. Finishing with a smile instead of looking like I’d just seen a Bird Box demon was worth a couple extra minutes. Here’s what mile 9 looked like at the Cherry Blossom 10 miler a few weeks ago.

Soooo I took it easy at the start. Wet suit and cold water kept this effort firmly in Z3. Probably too easy, but whatever. Trying to avoid Bird Boxing. Couple things to highlight here.

1. I am really bad at swimming in a straight line.

Exhibit A: The GPS data of my swimroute (red) overlaid on the satellite image of the course.

What the hell is that? It looks like a little kid trying to trace a rectangle with their non-dominant hand. This is more than just something to laugh at, swerving like a drunk driver added serious time to the swim. The course is measured at 1,500 meters, and I swam 1,679. 1,679! That’s almost 2 extra laps in an olympic sized pool. Fuck!

2. I got into a wrestling match with a buoy.

At the first hard right turn, I miscalculated and ended up swimming straight into the buoy, instead of around it like you’re supposed to. I then got stuck under that buoy, flailed around for a few seconds, and had to throw a fist at the big yellow plastic thing to continue moving forward. Coming to blows with an inanimate object--who said triathlons aren’t exciting.

3. Being heckled by a 10 year old girl.

As I got out of the water and made my way up to the dock, I was feeling pretty good, but not good enough to run through the knee deep water (this is ridiculously tiring for even short distances). The first thing I heard when I got out of the water was a little girl yell:

“HEY! Why are you WALKING?”

Gonna go ahead and assume she was confusing me for her Dad, but that just brings up whole other set of insecurities. Moving on.

Bike // 24 Miles // 1:24:31 // Strava File

Shaking off the haters and my wetsuit, I hopped onto the bike. Before this race, I had ridden my bike three times this year. Three times. Three. All year. 

That alarming level of abdication, combined with almost a year off of cycling, catches up with you (literally), it turns out.

But I knew this going in, and had accepted my fate of a relatively weak bike split. What I wasn’t prepared for were the several dozen people over the age of 40 that passed me. Men. Women. People in tennis shoes. Didn’t matter. Every time I heard an “on your left” followed by a cadre of what I would generously call veteran competitors, I felt a little piece of myself die. At one point I think I said “god dammit ryan, you might actually be in last.”

If nothing else, this stupid ride was a 1 hour and 24 minute reminder to spend some more time on the bike, which is something I write in every race blog, and even hear from my freaking followers on strava.

I tried not too push it too hard. My hamstrings (muscles that don’t really get used unless you ride your bike) felt not great, and the last thing I wanted was to have to hobble around for the run. I ate one GU at the halfway mark and drank almost both of my 20oz bottles of powerade.

Run // 6.2 Miles // 51:31 // Strava File

Going off in the first wave means that you’re gonna get passed, a lot, unless you are actually good at these races. That’s fine, but the run is something I should theoretically be better at. And it turns out that’s actually true! I wanted to run something under 50 minutes, and probably would have gotten there if it wasn’t for some truly fucked-up conditions.

Above is the graph of my pace on the run. You’ll notice two very steep declines, both of which happen in the same physical space (the course loops). This was in the part that was on what must usually be a trail, but on this day was a mud pit. At least I think it was mud. It felt like we were running through that pit from Return of the Jedi that ate Boba Fett.

This sucked, but it was the same for everyone, and there is nothing that gives me more joy in the world than experiencing a type-A triathlete freak out. You can set your watch to this shit: 

“WHY DIDN’T THEY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?”

“THERE GOES MY PR”

“I’M STUCK IN MUD. [EXPLETIVE].”

I got through the pit both times without falling, which is more than a lot of people could say. I saw folks with mud on there knees, hands, and everywhere else. Some poor woman had mud on her forehead. Think about that and try not to laugh. They don’t put in the promotional material, but they should. 

Aside from the pit, the run course was actually nothing to scoff at. There wasn’t much flat territory to speak of, and plenty of wet, slow grass to boot. I clocked a few mid-8 mile splits and I felt like I was flying. The good news was that I felt really good off the bike. My hamstrings were shifting their responsibilities elsewhere, and I was able to push the cardio to the max for the last 5K. Something I hand’t been able to do in a race for over a year. 

Grinning like an absolute moron, but not Bird Boxing! 

Conclusions

After crossing the finish line with a decent kick and a huge smile on my face, I’m not gonna lie, I felt great. I said I would be happy with anything under 3 hours, and 2:55 put me comfortably there. 

Upon further endorphin-less reflection, however, I’m looking at these times and seeing some real decay. The competition at this race was probably stronger than most others that I’ve done, but I was in the bottom 25% in my age group, and in the bottom 50% of all the male athletes. Woof.

Compare that to my last olympic distance race which was 20 minutes faster than this, and that buzz transitions into a hangover. The opportunity cost of taking a year of triathlon to run marathons is a real thing, friends.

But I’m still happy with the way my return went. I treated this like a training day for my next race (I’ve got a Half Ironman in 3 weeks ::gulp::), and in that frame it was a wild success. If I had done any better, I probably would have crossed the dangerous threshold into overconfidence--something I’ve been burned on more than once.

[survivor-switzerland]

EPISODE 12: AND OF COURSE, A BLOWUP ENSUES - BRETT

i love the winner of tumblr survivor switzerland brett

So Abel is voted out, finally that's a thorn off from my side but not before calling out Nick on all his shit and playing both sides and stuff. I mean I sensed he was playing both sides the moment he told me of Luke's vote stealer.

Right now, I'm keeping cautious of Nick because this might be an ideal for him to make his move. He could easily rope in Luke and Jev and use Luke's vote stealer and boom there in majority. I need to make it look like I don't give a fuck in what Abel said and make him feel that I'm with him regardless. But in reality I'm already plotting his demise.

For this challenge, I'm channeling my inner Jenn From. I mean she's won two Touchy Subjects comps (that I know of) so maybe her grace will help me FINALLY win an immunity.

I'm so nervous cause if I make it through this week I can pass my original placement. All I gotta do is get through this. I'm hoping my connections will keep me in!!!! I doubt I win immunity cause this challenge is so hard to figure out how everyone else will feel. I'm gonna make sure I talk to everyone so they at least get me through this!!!

Well by some absolute miracle I managed to scrape throigh the last round and I'm still here. But, that doesn't make things any easier for me. Abel, one of the people I was willing to use as a human shield, is now gone and now I only have Luke to throw under the bus if I so need to. It's pretty much just me and Luke now in this game, so I mean throwing him under the bus would probably only get me another round but still, another round is better than no more rounds.

I also /kinda/ have Nick I think? I'm like 90% sure he wasn't the other vote for me (since one was from Abel) So I mean that's two people that I think I have for the foreseeable future. But how long my future is in this game I'm pretty sure is determined by how useful Brett finds me to his game since he runs the other side of the tribe.

I've still been working on my plan of getting Brett to the most paranoid he can get but MAN that guy remains calm pretty much no matter what. Either that or he's just excellent at hiding his feelings. I planted a seed to him saying that there could be a possibility that Zack gave his idol to Tyler on the way out just to paint more of a target on his back, to which he responded was an "interesting idea" so maybe he's beginning to doubt Tyler but idk. We'll have to see what happens.

Well these past 2 tribals have been quite the event. The first 2 merge boots (Zack & abel) were exactly who I wanted to leave first. But I didn't expect a handful of other things to come along with. Like for example to make a long story short, my closets ally Luke going rogue and trying to flip people against my alliance and in the process threw me hardcore under the bus. Whew that was something to say the least. But tbh I don't feel like dwelling on that right now.

Right now I'm just really exited I won touchy subjects and that I wasn't the answer to anything lol. For me it just means I'm right where I want to be in this game. Which is a little not so much in the forefront. I don't want people to be threatened by me, I don't want them to know I'm smarter than I'm letting on. And I feel like at this point I'm doing what I wanted too.

Interesting that I was voted the majority for wasting my second chance when I literally haven't had a chance to play since merge because a dumb ugly ass majority alliance of original Monte-Rosa's are dominating it's fucking stupid.

And what's even more irritating is that there's the likes of fucking Ashley-Sarah and Dumb... sorry, Dom, who literally follow Brett around like the pied piper doing whatever he says. LIKE WAKE THE FUCK UP AND PLAY THIS GAME FOR YOURSELVES!!! GOATS!!!

Me and Luke are literally fighting our asses off to stay here round after round and they all just sit there comfortably while Brett orders them around to do his dirty work it's SO annoying!! Why are they so blind to the fact that he is gonna win this game if we don't do something.

Interestingly enough, not even two tribals after my closest ally Luke completely fucked me over and therw me so hardcore under the bus, here I am trying to save his ass over Jev kdhdisjsosjsijdis

Listen, I know this may sound crazy considering what Luke did to me two rounds ago, but what can I say? Luke is my friend at the end of the day and I love him. And he deserves to be here more than Jev at this point.

So I've come up with a plan to save luke and I feel like it's the only way I can. I'm going to recommend to the monte rosa people that we split the vote tonight at Tribal. 4 votes on Luke, 3 on Jev. What they monte rosa people don't know is that I'm going to leak to Luke who is voting for who and then I'm gonna have him play his vote steal (on probably me) and make sure Luke votes for Jev twice so we fuck up the split vote and Luke gets to stay. Not to mention no one is gonna worry about Luke's advantage at that point.

I just need to make sure everyone else is on board and I feel like I can do this. And if Luke stays than I can also use him moving forward to vote out people like Dom, nick, and Ben. I love them all but let's be honest, we're all gonna try to vote each other off at some point.

I am NOT playing this season! This is my second chance and this bitch is clocked IN.

Wow I flopped that one huh?

Jenn why didn't I grabbed some of of your Touchy Subjects winning essence. But at least Tyler won so now we have our pick of Luke or Jev.

Although I adore him, I need Luke to go because he's dangerous. And I don't know if it's our time zones or like I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. Especially after the Zack vote I feel like our convos are forced which is really sad. :(

Anyway, the plan I'm brewing is to split the vote. 4 Luke and 3 Jev in case of an idol however the risk of that is Luke's vote stealer and the possibility of Ben flipping. It really scares me on this vote because we need to be right with what our vote is going to be because it's imperative that we decide on the correct voting strategy.

Plus there's also at the back of my mind that Nick could be scheming some shit up, but I hope that I have a good enough relationship with him that he will inform me of any other plans that does not align with my and the H4rmony alliance's plan.

i hope this isn't my last confessional!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1H_0Jfd9Bs&feature=youtu.be

EPISODE 12

Abel left, and of course, a blowup ensues. Abel had some choice parting words for Nick and Nick screamed at him on the call in a very Tiffany Pollard-esque manner that I didn't find particularly appealing. Oh well. What's done is done. On to the next, please.

Immunity was Touchy Subjects and when all was said and done, Tyler won immunity. I was really hoping to maybe pull a fast one on him this round, but it's not the end of the world. I have other ideas. And Dom and Nick both agree with me. The three of us are done with Benjamin. We've lied to him time and time again and he's simply of no more use to any of us. Furthermore, Jevvon and Luke are looking to not be the ones to go home this time AND they hate Benjamin for not voting with them on the Zack vote. So there's that! I made a deal with the two despondent Matterhorns, solidified things with Dom and Nick, and we're off!

A few hiccups:

1) Touchy Subjects went incredibly well for me which is another way of saying Touchy Subjects will screw me. I received so many accolades including:

Player in the best position

Player controlling the game

Player you trust with your life

Funniest player

Player VL is happiest with

Most dateable player

Player you want to see win

Yikes. This is terrible for me. And it feels amazing, but it sucks! The player that receives the positive things in game and in personality is the player that suddenly has their expiration date move up a fuckton. People who might not have been looking at me are looking at me now. People who were already looking at me now have a microscope on me. Jesus Christ.

2) Tyler, Ian, and Ashley definitely don't see the need to remove Benjamin this round and I wasn't going to set off any red flags by trying to control them.

3) I wanted to pull in Ashley Sarah, but Nick and Dom jumped the gun and talked to her before me. I feel like if it were me, I would have been able to coax her over or at least I would have had the best crack at it. I could have maybe even pitched it to her as a maybe to see if she wanted to jump and if she didn't, pretend like it never happened? I don't know. And now she's submitted her vote, so the opportunity is gone.

4) Nick wanted to flush Luke's advantage and wanted to make me the shady one that might not vote with them so that he would use his vote steal. Maybe Nick should have made Dom be that person? I don't need the two people I just sealed a deal with to think I'm shady or noncommittal. No, thank you.

5) Dom is approached by everyone about the vote and he OPENLY IS CAMPAIGNING TO VOTE OFF BENJAMIN! No one from the Tyler contingent is into it even a LITTLE BIT, but he can't stop-won't stop and it set off so many red flags! I approach him and say, "What the hell? Why aren't you lying?!" And he said "I don't want to be a liar." And this truly is the first time I've been disappointed in Dom. He was apparently fine with Nick and I looking like malicious assholes, but not he? Rather selfish. And I hope that this is the only time Dom disappoints me because I truly love the kid.

We're just 45 minutes away. The next time you see me, the backlash will have started. Brace yourself. This won't be pretty.