#shit my players say

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: My kitsune Ranger who was raised by actual foxes was introducing themselves to the party

Kitsune: **Holding up a fox** This is David! Wizard: Aww, your pet is really cute! Kitsune: He's my brother... Wizard: Oh, so he's afflicted by a curse Kitsune: No, he's always been a fox, keep making assumptions about my brother, I fucking dare you

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM: There's a chest with clawed feet--

Warlock: It's a mimic isn't it?

DM: Uh...

Warlock: Keep the party back while I Mage Hand it open. Everybody get ready--prepare to Blast and Firebolt this thing to oblivion

DM: The treasure box opens and it's only a mirror inside that none of the party are now at an angle to be reflected in. So no, it's not a mimic, the clawed feet were decorative. It was just a trap.

Warlock: Oh well if it's only that...

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Wizard: So we have all the keys... want to see what this button does?

Warlock: Sure.

DM: Suddenly you hear a booming voice: "20-19-18..."

Warlock: Oh shit.

DM: You want to get in the shielded area?

Warlock: Yes please.

DM: Okay the party is safe as the device goes off and disintegrates everyone else on this entire floor.

Warlock: OH SHIT!

DM: Don't worry they were all Hobgoblins and Fire Giants. Bad guys.

Monk: Hooray! War crimes!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Did she just call me what?!

Rogue-Bard: i’m trying to be more open to everyone, you know? 

A literal goddess: your legs don’t count.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Player A: before the tsunami hits us my character launches himself on his boyfriend to keep him close

Player B: before the tsunami hits us my characher transforms herself in a salmon

Player C: wait I’m in my underwear!!

DM: there are three kind of characters, I guess

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Are you some kind of Snow White?”

Monk to Warlock after witnessing speak to animals

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Player A: [Player B] just threw an apple to the elf’s head! Say something to him!

Player C to Player B: nice aim.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Paladin: [*smites a flying boar demon with her angelically reflavored version of Shadow Blade (...Light Saber)]

Paladin: Ooh here we go, big smite!

Wizard: Well that was a real boar.

Monk: Who wants barbecue?

Warlock: ...I'm guessing that thing isn't Kosher?

Paladin: Of course not, it's a demon!

Wizard: It's the Baconator!

Monk: Anyone want wings?

Paladin: Um... no.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM: Are you drunk after only one mug of ale?

Barbarian: Well, I had the formaldehyde, with the little crunchies–

DM: The innkeeper did NOT serve you formaldehyde–

Barbarian: I stepped out and found the local physician. The local veterinarian, actually.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM: [Describing a Mindflayer cult.*]

Warlock: They're scientologists?

DM: Now, now don't insult the Mindflayers like that.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

cleric: all im getting at level 13 is level 7 spells, which... i probably shouldnt understate actually. those are probably a big deal

rogue: resurrection, regenerate, summon lesser florida...

cleric: summon lesser what now

monk: just wait until 9th level for greater florida

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Paladins are dumb and gay.”

“You’re playing a Paladin.”

“She has 8 intelligence and a wife, my point stands.”

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM: Bard, Warlock and Rogue make wisdom saves against the siren's mass charm.

Warlock: I'm an elf so advantage for me!

Rogue: DM, can I also have advantage since I'm asexual?

DM: ...

Bard: Can she have advantage if I take disadvantage because this walking red flag is absolutely my type?

Rogue got advantage. Bard had to be revivified.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Rogue: Father I have sinned

Cleric (female): Okay first of all, it's "Mother"

Rogue: Mommy I have sinned

Cleric: No-

[yourplayersaidwhat]

DM (me): as soon as you cross the boundary of the gate, you are unnaturally silenced and cannot make a sound.

Warlock: *in ASL* fuck you!

DM: *also in ASL* eat shit and die

Warlock: *mouthing* hey I taught you that! You can't use it against me!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: My cleric’s god, the god of healing, is also his adoptive dad. Less than 2 hours after waking up for the day, after an encounter, our spellcasters have less than half their spell slots left and everyone has less than 20 hp.

Me: Do you think we could just ask our dad for a free long rest?

Barbarian: Did you just communist your dad into our dad?

Me: Considering they’re the only decent parental figure we have that’s still alive, yes.