#shoutout to the friends that got to watch me have a breakdown in real time over how much i like him in this look

[eleventhcircle-archive]

7.20.2023 [35/∞] YoRHa No. 3 Type... B, reporting for duty, Commander.

[madstronaut]

I recommend bringing popcorn while binging this absolutely stunning firstfic(?!)

first off I am deeply pleased to be rambling once again over one of my earliest and beloved moots' fics

I have been biding my time to savor reading branchy’s very first (?!) fanfic works below and the best way to describe what it feels like to read KM is like watching an action movie but in writing - also once again fucking stunned by the fact this was her first fic; absolutely blown away by how many incredible firstfics i have read that rival published fic out there imho

reading: The Killing Moon by @deadbranch

I listened to the song ‘Killing Moon’ by Echo & The Bunnymen while reading this and it took me straight back to the 90s and thought of the hours of Charmed I watch for some reason...btw if a fic you read mentions certain songs playing in the storyline, highly recommend listening while reading for a full cinematic experience ✨

“Oh my…I knew you were from the States but uh…that’s…an accent ya got there.” “Likewise, sir.”

*gigglin uncontrollably* also shoutout&thank you @/jasonsmirrorball whose commentary on another fic used the indents when quoting from the story which was a fantastic idea!

You notice the subtle change when he bites the inside of his lower lip as his gaze briefly drifts to your lips and back to your eyes.

mmm the triangle eyes, might as well have a neon sign over your head blaring  AM EYEFUCKIN YOU RN

(what are triangle eyes? see gif reference below)

You fight the urge to roll your eyes but instead maintain a locked a gaze with Price, “It was something to do.  My career was headed for a desk and I’m not done yet.  I’ve got more in me, I can do more.  I want more.” “Fuck.  Finally, a real answer.  And no ‘sir.’  Feels good, doesn’t it?”

fucking love branchy’s OCs/protaggos; slay, my alpha queens, slay (also pls step on me)

 Don’t need to be caught gazing at chain of command’s ass.  Eyes forward, always forward.  Eyes fo…

a simple win-win solution my queen: don’t get caught😂

ehhehehe wedding tackle indeed i’ll wed soap’s tackle anyday hehehehe cough moving on

also i am fuckin half in love with OC and her nicknames…typhoid mary, saint of killers (PREACHER REFERENCE!!), iron maiden, sorceress..there’s something special & intimate when you’re christened with a new name by friends/a group of people some odd ones I've had in the past are: bloody mary, albondiga, bringer of tears (thankfully not because of killcounts like dallas here) 😅🤭

“Do they all have different names for you?” He smiles again, his eyes matching the mirth his mouth betrays.  You try not to smile in response.  The last thing you need is to be thought weak, or stupid.  Or like you’re flirting with a superior.  None of those are a good look. “They do.  Did.  I’ve known a lot of people who didn’t want to say my name.”

branchy has a uncommonly talented trait of fleshing out so much history and worldbuilding through straight-up pure/raw dialogue where i can see hear & smell & sense the physical surroundings, the way the characters are holding their bodies, the tensions, emotions - all between several quotemarks! one of the reasons branchy is one of my favorite writers on this hellsite (affectionate)

our mouth hardened into a thin line as you nodded.  “No worries, Johnny.  I survived his death.  I can survive his unexpected resurrection.”

i happen to be reading hunger games rn and dallas reminds me a bit of katniss - (they are direct, bold, present a flinty face to the world due to the harsh settings they’ve survived - yet despite all that, it hasn’t buried their humanity or hardened their heart that deeply just yet, and it breaks through not too far from the surface here and there)

anyway soft soap supremacy and back to thirsting, what was i saying…

..JUST KIDDING LET ME DO AN EXCRUCIATINGLY DETAILED BREAKDOWN of how much i love this scene of ghost seeing dallas again finally

literally just a few back-and-forth sentences’ worth of lore from the previous chapter and already fiending for the tension and drama of their backstory!!! the little things like dallas being able to pick up the difference in his voice, the mention of them entrusting their real names to each other, noting he touched up his eyepaint, the mention of LIMINAL SPACE!!!! (as an anthro grad I was and still am fucking obsessed with victor turner’s liminality and communitas and anyway am always soooo chuffed to see the phrase out in the wild) and anyway not really sure who to be more jealous of here, that dallas got to fuck ghost or ghost got to fuck dallas (yes yes why not both)

“I’m…sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  He says the words plainly, less gravel than usual, but with a pain you don’t recognize.  “I’m so fucking sorry, love.”  The last syllable breaks in the back of his throat.

fucking shredding my pillows in how delicious the angst is

My name.  My name was in his mouth when he died.

None of them knew Simon would whisper your name in the darkness, your name a prayer on his lips.  As though saying it would conjure the most vulnerable and savage parts of your soul so he could enjoy you more fully, so he could offer his own vulnerability and savagery in return.  To be consumed in the same fire.

🥺🥺🥺this is such fucking shakespearean levels of trauma and poetry, i doff my cap to thee branchy my literary queen

i am fucking bouncing off the walls here with the..foreshadowing? the layers of meaning baked into such small almost throwaway lines and gestures - does price even know what he’s offering (and taking) from dallas by letting her know she can call him john after hours/OUT OF UNIFORM? i know this is endgame price x dallas but i find all this past romance angst fucking DELICIIOOUUSSS

Soap backs up another step as he works his way around the rec room, his mouth open, head tilted back.  You smile as only he can make you smile.

“Your hugs fix a lot of things.” You smile as your eyes meet his.

The timbre of his laugh is a delight, a warrior’s voice tinted with naivete and levity.  But he was always easy to cheer up. 

honestly when im not simping for soap i think he’d make such a great and easygoing friend, god i love the way cod writers have headcanoned him as such for the most part

Your face is unreadable as you let the smoke escape into the space above you.  The gilded ceiling leering at you through the haze.  Your dress uniform feeling stiffer and more unnatural by the moment.  A shroud more than armor.

i have definitely felt the itchiness of having to wear a fit, or a face (as have we all at some point) that didn’t quite sit right - but i am mostly glad for the experience of learning to see them as tools and costumes versus prisons and limitations. anyway im blabberin at like 243am which is why im getting vaguely metaphorical and philosophical lol

In the three months since your transfer you’ve gotten to know Price’s moods, what annoys him, what makes him smile.  You can appreciate that he says more with his silence than most people can say with words.  You justify your attention to detail by telling yourself you notice little things in everyone around you, not just John.  The old hypervigilance.  Or your excuse.

i love seeing price through the (heart)eyes of dallas 😍 a secret pleasure of mine is discussing what crushes feel like for myself and others and comparing and listening to all the different ways and reasons people fall in love - and also love the ways prices navigates his own bids for attention from dallas behind the veneer of professionalism 

The years haven’t erased the memory of his footfalls, his measured gait. 

oooh i was just discussing this with friends, how when you’ve known someone for so long you can tell who they are by a specific jangling sound of keys in a lock turning or just the gait of their footsteps from afar

also this wasn’t in the story, just the A/N but “ghost’s abbattoir of a psyche” is a fucking AWARDWINNING turn of phrase branchy 👏👏👏i fucking slow clapped irl like a dumbass when i read it thats how much i liked it lmao

Damn he sounds sexy through the comm.  Don’t know what it is about the comm…

brutal honesty here but i could probably come just from any of the COD men speaking to me over comms, im just stating the facts

“I’ll make it up to you.  When we return, we can do two lessons back-to-back, or we can do an extra-long lesson. Your choice.  Over.”  The line crackles.

“What about every night?  I’ve got catching up to do, love.  I’m not getting any younger.”

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IF PRICE SAID THIS TO ME AFTER BREAKING PROTOCOL I WOULD PROBABLY COME IMMEDIATELY

i am fucking mooning over young ghost thirsting for dallas immediately “She looks strong, but in the way that he wants in an argument, or in bed.  Or against the wall.” yes yes ghostie this is my bread butter and jam and also to use the a/b/o lingo alpha men who want alpha women are just 😘👌🫶

At the time, Ghost was in love.  She had no idea.  He had wanted her to make the first move, the way she had approached him when he first arrived at the mess tent in the desert, unafraid.  He had wanted her to want him.   For Sorceress to claim him for herself.

🥹🥹🥹 not me crying a little and dying inside reading this and seeing ex-archangel dallas through his eyes

literally yelled out FUCK at the top of my lungs when the team cockblocked price and dallas at the bar fucking GO AWAY AND LET EM FUCK GAWD

also fucking love when writers mention music in their fics, i listened to every song mentioned here when they came up…also branchy ur texan is showing with how many country songs are mentioned in your writings LMAO

and FUCK I SIMULTANEOUSLY LOVE AND HATE YOU BRANCHY FOR ALL THE HEARTBREAK AND ANGST IN THIS FIC FROM DALLAS, FIRST WITH GHOST AND NOW SOAP? I FUCKIN KNEW HE WAS CARRYING A TORCH FROM HER FROM ALL HIS LITTLE COMMENTS AND GESTURES BUT MY GOD WHEN HE SAYS HE HAD TO BE SURE AND THEN SENDS HER OFF AFTER PRICE 😭😭😭😭

“Shh… shh… listen to my voice, love.  I’m here.  Nothing’s wrong.  We’re in the hotel.  You’re safe, I’m safe.  The team is safe.  You’re not in that place again.  Those places are gone.  You’re here.  With me.  And you’re my darling, love.  You are mine.  Shh… Come back to me.  Come back to me, my darling…”

the disassociating panic/anxiety attack scene was…wow. as someone who's experienced them myself i found it viscerally a little too realistic (once again hats off to you branchy, incredible writing) but i appreciate how raw and real it is portrayed here…and ofc price’s little comfortspeech would probably cure all heartbreak if it was real

 His wristwatch digs into the side of your right leg.  You secretly hope he leaves the watch on as he fucks you tonight.  And his dog tags.  You want to take them in your teeth as you ride him later.

*me, furiously taking notes for bedtime imaginary/IRL scenarios before realizing i would probably spit them out of my mouth immediately at the metallic taste in a very unsexy way right into wearer’s eyes most likely*

“Well, I don’t wear underwear…I bet the team gets the wrong idea about me all the time.”

😂😂😂

also my heart stopped at dallas finding the ring in the jacket pocket? im unsure of the sense of time in this fic but the ‘i love you’s made their appearances in the 1st inning here!!!

i also love vargas nickname of mija 🥹he would be the best dad (sir i can help you with that cough)

You snap out of your daze and refocus your eyes on Price.  His eyes are the bluest you’ve ever seen them.  You swear they were a slate gray when you first met.  Cold and distant, from a long winter.  Your heart tells you it’s spring.

i fucking love this line, so beautiful and tender mwah mwah chef’s kisses galore for this branchy

“This path, all of this, would be my tomb.  I need life, not death,” you finish, not sure what else can be said.

🫶

You were too much alike. 

this!!!! i clocked this back when soap said the “neither of you smile, you both can have unsmiley babies” - be wary of dating/getting romantically entangled with someone who is a mirror, speaking from personal experience…just because you can reflect and find familiarity in each other doesn’t mean you won’t get burned

anyway i am busy crying at the anguish of soap and dallas’ last convo and the “i shouldn’t have turned you away, i was mistaken” and the “no, you did the right thing” correction

Only John would be willing to challenge Death to a chess match just to buy time.  You give up.

unf!!! fucking love this and the parallel set up with the seventh seal movie reference and the proposal!!! THE FUCKING PROPOSAL and then everyone pitching in to figure out how to make this work for dallas is just 😘👌👌👌

your spare time the both of you had figured out that your height disparity, though not extreme, was enough to cause some mechanical challenges.

this is the only math i will enjoy working out, that and math rocks (dnd joke)

You don’t look up, but you can imagine he’s smiling.  That little smile John saves for you, the one the rest of the world will never know.

🥰🥰🥰

“No.  Not into the rank thing, love.  Honestly, I’ve never found it a turn-on…the power difference…” “I’ve found my equal.  My match in all things,” the corners of his mouth turn up a little at the admission, his voice quieting, “And I can’t fucking imagine a life without you.”

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

so i usually like to liveblog my notes as i read through but my FUUUUUCK THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS WAS LIKE THE LAST ARC OF AN ACTION MOVIE THE PACE WAS ABSOLUTELY DIZZYING IN THE BEST WAY AND I TORE THRU EM LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL

fucking obsessed with the archangel program lore (also slightly sobering as it reminds me of black widow + red room and bucky barnes + winter soldier + IRL MK Ultra + CIA vibes) - I know there are several other series here so emotionally preparing myself to read some of them after this

You don’t know what someone’s made of until you really fight. 

this is an IRL adage i live by and yes I do think a sense of character is truly revealed in conflict that can’t really be seen in other circumstances

also the SELF CONTROL of these two to put a pin on makeup fucking to hash out their woes

You approach Price, your arms held out.  He allows you to pull him into the warmth of your arms, but not before he kisses you. 

this small line about dallas with her arms out gave me goosebumps knowing the journey she has taken re: vulnerability throughout this fic 🥹🥹

 I know I should be, but if Soap and Ghost can survive you, then I think I’ve got a pretty fair chance.

but did they rly tho lol I feel dallas will always be the one that got away for 'em

In truth, you’ve felt like you belonged to one another long before today…. In the dark you practice saying your new names and quizzing each other on little details, like the actual date on your marriage certificate.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i love this sm

i listened to all the song refs as they came up in real time and listening to fade into you by mazzy star made me feel like IDK how I felt after finishing die hard or mad max fury road like I went on a fucking JOURNEY...a SAGA...an EPIC....and I need a drink or some taco or bbq, or preferably all of them lol

BRANCHY CAN I POSSIBLY INTEREST YOU IN A SIDE CAREER/HOBBY OF SCREENWRITING COS GODDAMN WOULD I WATCH AN IRL MOVIE TRILOGY OF THIS

[airenyah]

QL Wrapped 2023

i was tagged by @nongnaos and @ranchthoughts thank youuu <333

i meant to upload this at the latest by december 31st, but the thing is when i saw the tag i was a little overwhelmed at first bc i didn't know how to fill it out and then once i had it all written out i had a super hard time deciding on what to gif and then it all ended up taking soooo much longer than planned. and now it's already 2024. oops. well, better late then never...

so without further ado:

You watched 12 QLs this year that's about 264 hours!

(i'm counting only qls that started airing 2023 bc i didn't keep track of every single show that i watched and it's a lot easier to count all the 2023 dramas on mdl lmao)

You primarily only watched QLs from Thailand

i blame my bachelor thesis for this which i was writing on the translation strategies of thai to eng and also the fact that i'm learning thai, so any time i watch a series i'm like "do i watch something from a country other than thailand tonight??" only for a little voice in my head to go "yeah but you COULD be spending your evening practicing thai listening skills" so yeah...

You spent way too much time thinking about these characters: Pat Napat Jindapat

listen. LISTEN. i know ok, i know bad buddy is from 2021 not from 2023. however!!!!! bad buddy was part of our skyy 2 and that included my boy pat and so i'm counting it!!!! i'm always thinking about pat napat jindapat ok bye

no for real tho. i am NOT kidding when i say i have spent hours on end thinking about pat in the year of our lord 2023, two full years after the show dropped:

maybe in 2024 i'll finally sit down and write that meta that's been in my head for two years now

Your favorite show was Moonlight Chicken

it's gotta be the chicken show for me. yeah. it just felt so... idk, real in a way. idk how to explain it. i'm not even obsessing over mlc all that much but any time it pops into my head i go all kinds of 😭😭😭 and 🥰🥰🥰

not to mention the firstmix

the heartliming

and most importantly earth and fourth as an uncle/nephew duo??

i am so🥺🥺🥺

special shoutout also to jimbo the cat (left) who looks almost exactly like coco, my family's cat (right):

Another one of your favorites was Last Twilight

just. the way p'aof shows relationships on screen okay. yeah.

i cry

You are still stuck in this hallway:

yeah i've been thinking about the yank-kiss-yeet scene from hidden agenda and joke breaking down afterwards in that very hallway for 19 weeks straight gay. bye.

The soundtracks you listened to the most were:

(according to my spotify wrapped top 5)

Just Friend? (Bad Buddy)

Our Song (Bad Buddy)

น้ำลาย (My School President Cover)

Secret (Bad Buddy)

yeah. i've given up on the "only 2023 media" thing. if we're talking songs only from series released in 2023 then i've got love love love (our skyy 2) on no. 32 and no more empty nights (our skyy 2) on no. 46 on my spotify wrapped

also if you're wondering what the 5th song (on no.3 in reality) from my top 5 was that's missing above where i only mentioned four songs, well, it's none other than tilly birds' same page? which yeah. is also bad buddy related. surprise surprise 🤭

Your overall bl mood was P'Aof

You created 15 gifsets (of which "only" 1/3 were about making other shows about bad buddy)

you can find them here

You shazammed 295 royalty free background music pieces/songs from thai dramas

fun fact: i haven't mentioned this publically yet but since thai dramas keep using the same music over and over again in various series i've actually started collecting the different songs/pieces and i'm planning on making a side blog about it. i just want to go through some more dramas first before i publish anything. so this is something you can look forward to in 2024 dkjfkfdj

currently shazamming my way through bad buddy (you may have seen my blorbo breakdown about pran in the ep4 sleepover scene the other week that was triggered by me shazamming all of ep4). next on the list: theory of love and the eclipse. it takes ages tho, so don't expect it any time soon

Your favorite acting pair was JoongDunk

(is anyone even surprised by this lol)

no but for real whatever these two have going on, i'm intrigued:

i just. i love their energy ok. they're fun. and they're clearly having fun

i couldn't decide on what to gif so here's a little compilation bc fuck it, this is my post and i get to do whatever the fuck i want

(actually there's more that i could have put in there but i didn't wanna waste any more time with posting this tag game and also i was trying to keep the compilation somewhat short lmao)

they are such silly little idiot boys ("little" says the 155cm tall short person about the 180+cm giants 🤭) and i adore them &lt;3

their energy is essentially this meme and i'm so here for it:

and they just communicate so well when they're performing and you never feel like either of them is "alone" on stage (doing his own thing in his own little bubble), it's SUCH a joy to watch!!!! once again plugging two of my all time fave performances that i've been rewatching over and over again for the last 3 months:

also dunk is just SO little brother-shaped to me idek!! looking at his face just makes me go into big sister mode. it doesn't help that he's only like a month or so older than my actual little brother. AND he reminds me a lot of one of my fave kids from my youth group that i used to go to for years. dunk natachai has klein-andi energy and you all don't know what that means but i know what that means as does my mom and she agrees. so.

tagging:

i feel so ashamed for not making it in time before 2023 ended so i'm not gonna tag anyone but if you see this and you really wanna do it bc you haven't done it yet then please do so and tag me because i say so!!

and mutuals, send me yours bc i'm not sure i saw everyone else's!!!! (@celestial-sapphicss @moonkhao @visualtaehyun @telomeke @waitmyturtles @dribs-and-drabbles did you guys do this already and if yes, send me yours? i must have missed it 🥺🥺🥺)

[apple-grass-and-smiles]

A Death By a Thousand Cuts Would Be Easier

Summary: A brief history of some of the moments concerning Bruce Wayne that Selina Kyle will remember until the day she dies.

Author’s Note: So, a bit of an explanation of how this whole thing works. The italicized headers are each things or phrases from the bridge of the stunning “Death By a Thousand Cuts” by Taylor Swift. Under each header is a drabble (none are exactly 100 words, so please forgive me) that is in some way connected with whatever the header is. They are not in chronological order, but hopefully it shouldn’t be too confusing. There are also some shoutouts to some of the wonderful Batcat Fam sprinkled throughout the story as a sort of thank you for being such amazing friends. Also, thank you to Itzel for clarifying what dances Bruce may have actually learned in Mexico.

A Death By a Thousand Cuts Would Be Easier

Looking back on it, Selina gave a lot of things to Bruce Wayne. And when he left, each of those things cut her as they left with him. Her heart, her trust, her love all cut her as he flew away on a plane that didn’t have a seat on it for her. The wound he gave her when he left wasn’t what had nearly killed her. It had been the thousands of cuts those pieces of her had left.

My Heart

Selina’s heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest. Obviously she knew that wasn’t possible, but it felt like it. She hadn’t even been a tenth as afraid as she was now when they had been fighting that stupid fence to try and get the necklace a hour ago. But making her next request was probably going to be the most terrifying thing Selina had ever done.

“Will you return it?” Selina asks, putting the pearl necklace on the table.

She couldn’t bear to do it herself. The very idea of walking into the house where Ivy had killed that scientist and acting like returning a stolen necklace was the same thing as bringing back the woman’s husband made Selina want to run and hide for the rest of her life. When she weighed the cost of returning the necklace herself against the terror that would accompany asking Bruce for such a personal and vulnerable favor, her fear of facing the woman whose life and necklace she had stolen was just ever so slightly more terrifying. She could trust Bruce to take her heart and not destroy it, but there was no way she would trust herself to return a necklace to a woman whose heart had been eviscerated while Selina took her pearls.

My Hips

Bruce claims he learned how to salsa when he was in Mexico. Selina thinks he’s lying but has no proof to back it up other than that a trip to Mexico does not fit into the timeline she’s working on forming of the past ten years of Bruce’s life since he skipped town. But, his salsa dancing was really good. Like, really, really good. It seemed insane that Bruce had left Gotham a decade ago unable to do much more than a basic waltz and returned a master of just about every style of dance they’ve encountered at galas thus far. Filing away a mental note to interrogate Bruce later about his new found dancing ability, Selina returned to focusing on the mission, searching the room for Penguin.

That is until Bruce moved his hands from her back and down to her hips and any hope she had of looking at anything other than Bruce’s eyes flew out the window.

My Body

Lying paralyzed in a hospital bed as she heard the sounds of Gotham falling to pieces around her was a nightmare so horrible Selina couldn’t even have imagined it. She still wakes up every couple of hours with a jolt and, sometimes, a scream from dreams that seem so real she expects Jeremiah to be the one grabbing her and not Bruce or Alfred or one of the nurses. It had been a week since everything had collapsed in on itself and her world had been torn apart by a bullet and the bombs that blew the bridges and she was only just now beginning to reach a point where she was willing to talk to Bruce. It was stupid to blame her new, useless body on him because he wasn’t the one who pulled the gun’s trigger. He hadn’t made her go to the manor that night. He hadn’t forced them to be friends. He hadn’t made her lie about seeing who killed his parents. But if she didn’t blame him for the bullet that might as well have ended her life, then the only person left in this hospital to blame would be herself. And, at the end of the day, it was better to believe she’d given up her body, her freedom, and her life for the boy who had spent the last 96 hours in a hospital chair next to her than to think about how all the choices that had led her to this moment were her own.

My Love

For a young woman whose entire appeal is that she slinks in and out of people’s lives like a cat with absolutely zero emotional connection to those she interacts with, Selina loves a surprisingly large number of people, places, and things. She loves to play with the cats who frequent her apartment. She loves the little Mexican bakery around the corner from Cornelia Street. She loves her collection of black leather jackets that has only continued to grow. She loves Gotham and punk music and greasy, cheap pizza and the way the sky turns pink as the sun sets and rises each day. But, and this is a fact she buries so deep down inside that it only has a chance to surface when she stays still for more than a handful of seconds, she loves Bruce Wayne at least as much as all of those things combined. She never really told him when he was in Gotham and she swears she’ll never tell him even if he comes back one day, but it’s a small fact she keeps tucked away and it makes her heart just a little bit more full than it was before.

Like a Bad Drug

Selina hadn’t done drugs before. It was a bit ridiculous considering she was 18 and had been living on the streets her whole life. Most kids with stories like hers got their first taste of drugs before they were 10, but Selina’s ability to pick pockets and get in and out of places undetected required her to be sober, so drugs had been firmly off the table. Other kids could be high and still get by, but if she was even the littlest bit not completely in her own head, any attempts she made to steal things would be a catastrophe.

Selina hadn’t done drugs before, but she also hadn’t been abandoned by Bruce Wayne without a good-bye beyond a small note before. Well, there’s a first time for everything, Selina thought as she snorted the white powder.

In a Haunted Club

Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne is in England. No one has any proof, but there are pictures of an heiress named Kayliegh wandering London with a guy dressed in all black who if you look at the picture from exactly the right angle and have no idea what Bruce looks like, could be the missing Wayne. But Selina actually knows what Bruce looks like, has memorized every line of his face and can still hear his laugh sometimes as she falls asleep. But the tabloids with the pictures were everywhere today and she’s tired of hearing his name whispered by Gothamites everywhere she goes.

So she heads to the Sirens and hopes the sound of the club will drown out the idea that maybe he had moved on and maybe he was in London and maybe she wasn’t part of his story anymore. The alcohol doesn’t help her shake the feeling that a ghostly Bruce Wayn is watching her from just outside of peripheral vision, but that’s not enough to dissuade her from taking another shot.

Our Songs

Once upon a time, Selina had tried to learn to play the ukulele. Someone had thrown the instrument in the trash when she was about seven and Selina had picked it out of the dumpster. It had been painted blue with a picture of a flower on it and she had plucked at the strings and dragged it along with her for a couple of weeks. In the end, it had been abandoned one day when she had to run from the police who were very intent on bringing her back to St. Maria’s. It had just been another one of her dreams that got discarded on a Gotham street, just like she had been.

A decade later she’s stuck in a hospital bed and the doctors are talking about how she needs to adjust to this new normal and that there are plenty of new skills she can learn that don’t require her to actually move much. Selina only half listens to them because the other half of her mind is occupied with trying to think of a reason to keep on going. Bruce brings her a ukulele the next day because he figures it’ll keep her mind off of the impending surgeries and that if she can at least learn one song maybe the doctors will stop hovering as much. They learn how to stumble through “Mary Had a Little Lamb” together and even though Selina doesn’t put any of her heart into the song, Bruce is enthusiastic enough for both of them.

Our Films

“You’re telling me you’ve never seen Star Wars?” Bruce is 15 and completely incredulous. Selina is curled into a ball on the couch, completely and utterly unperturbed by Bruce’s impending, Star Wars-induced breakdown.

“When was I supposed to have the time to sit down and watch a bunch of movies? It’s not like I have tons of downtime to spend watching Spock hit people with laser swords.” Selina gestures impatiently for the bowl of imported European chocolates by Bruce’s left hand while Bruce blinks in shock at his friend.

“Well, you have time now. I hope you’re comfortable because you’re not leaving here until you understand how wrong you are when you say that Star Wars is about Spock hitting people with laser swords.”

“Whatever. But if I’m going to be stuck here for eternity you better hand me that chocolate before I smother you with a pillow.”

Bruce hands her the candy and joins her on the couch as the opening crawl appears on the screen. What he doesn’t know is that Selina has a secret: She’s seen every second of Star Wars multiple times before, but she figured that a Star Wars marathon would be the ideal way for her to try every sweet in the Wayne manor. No one could say that Selina couldn’t play dumb when it suited her.

United We Stand

The Year the Bridges Blew always feels a bit like a dream when Selina looks back on it. She can’t quite pinpoint many details from the year and so much of it seems to fade when she thinks about it too hard. Granted, if it were up to most of the citizens of Gotham, that year would be erased from everyone’s mind so that they could all move forward without the looming fear that one day they will be trapped in their city again.

But there are some memories from that time that Selina wouldn’t erase. She likes to revisit the summer evening she spent one day with Bruce, lounging on a rooftop, watching some teens below trying to set off fireworks. Despite the kids' shouts, the claps of the fireworks, and the general noise that always seemed present in Gotham and hand only gotten louder since the bridges blew, the moment felt quiet. She had slipped her hand into his as a red firework had started and sputtered out and for a single, glorious evening she really felt that she had a teammate. Someone who would still be there the next morning and the morning after that and so on until they had no more mornings to wake up to. In that moment, she felt united with Bruce in a way she never had before. You’d have to offer her a fortune larger than the Waynes’ to get her to give up that memory.

Our Country, a Lawless Land

Gotham was Selina’s city. This fact was the only one she knew so well that it felt like it was ingrained in every muscle and sinew and bone and ligament in her body. She had been born here, had grown up here, had been abandoned here, had been killed by Jeremiah here and then brought back to life here. To try and separate Gotham from Selina would be like trying to separate a single thread from an intricate tapestry. It might be possible, but why would you even bother?

That’s why, no matter how hard she tries, Selina can’t understand why Bruce left, why he always kept leaving Gotham. They built their relationship on the sound of their feet running on Gotham’s street. They had laughed together on Gotham bridges. Had shouted and whispered declarations of love with Gotham’s skyline as their backdrop. Every single part of what made them them was entrenched in the city. And, somewhere in the back of her mind, Selina realized that if Bruce could leave Gotham, the city that had made him, then that meant he could leave her too.

Our Paper-Thin Plans

“I think I’d want a house with a window seat.”

“A window seat? Out of all the things a house could have, your request is for a window seat?”

“Yeah. I like them.”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the window seats back home?”

“Yeah, if you and Alfred aren’t bothering me that’s usually where I am.”

“How have I never noticed this? Alfred, did you know that Selina loves window seats? … Okay, how did everyone know this but me?”

“Maybe your powers of observation just aren’t as good as you think they are.”

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll make a note that when we rebuild the manor to add in more window seats.”

“You better or else I might have to find some other billionaire to hang out with because window seats are a deal breaker in this whole thing.”

My Time

Selina’s time is a valuable commodity. Every second she’s spending doing something is a second she could be casing a jewelry store or picking pockets downtown. But, sometimes even a young thief needs a night off. Selina’s plan is simple, she’ll feed her current cats- Isis and Coco- and then take a shower before eating some Chinese from the place across the street that always has just a bit too much food left over come closing time.

At least that was the plan before Bruce Wayne knocked on the door (He knocked. Like she paid rent for the place.) and asked if she was up to anything. Of course, when she planned on a quiet night, Bruce wanted her to keep him from dying on some fool’s quest. She only rolled her eyes once before grabbing her leather jacket and heading out the door. She’d always have time for him.

My Wine

Selina doesn’t usually drink wine. She’s had a variety of them, ranging in cost from a couple of bucks to more than a year’s worth of rent, and she honestly hasn’t liked any of them. But a couple of times a year since she’s turned 21, she gets a small invitation in the mail inviting her to a quiet dinner at the new Wayne manor. Alfred always pulls out a bottle of what he promises her is good wine and they usually finish it by the time dinner is pushed to the end of the table and desert is being savored. Sometimes the invitation is for a special date, like Christmas or Alfred’s birthday, but other times there is no rhyme or reason that Selina can discern for the dinner. This time the invitation comes and is signed by both Alfred and Bruce and a not small part of Selina is bitter that Bruce is trying to infringe on the bond that she and Alfred forged in, and because of, his absence. She doesn’t show up on the appointed date and instead hacks the Wayne bank account and makes a very generous donation to a local animal shelter in Bruce’s name. Alfred sends her a bottle of wine a few days after they were supposed to meet that he claims is spectacular. She can’t taste the difference between it and the box wine she bought one time.

My Spirit

Selina’s birthday is either December 1st or December 3rd. Maria says it’s the 1st, but all her official documents cite it as the 3rd. Selina knows it’s weird to not really know her birthday, but it’s not like she grew up with birthday parties so it never really was an issue. But then she accidentally reveals that she has two birthdays to Bruce when they’re 13 and suddenly these previously mostly meaningless days in December are arriving with more pomp and circumstance than she had ever anticipated.

They throw a party on the 1st with games and food and gifts at the manor. Alfred prepares all the fanciest foods and Selina is asked to wear a dress to the party. (She does, but she complains about it the whole time.) It’s a fun, if strange event, and Selina enjoys herself. But then the 3rd rolls around and she returns to her apartment exhausted from running all over town in the snow to find Bruce with an enormous pile of take out from at least half a dozen of her favorite restaurants. He’s brought a projector and some movies and pillows and blankets. They make a pillow fort before settling down with the food. Snuggled beneath a pile of blankets, with some old movie about a guy in a wheelchair spying on his neighbors from his window, Selina has a shining moment where she truly understands peace. For once her mind, her spirit, her body, her heart, every part of her, feels completely at peace. It’s the best birthday gift anyone could have given her.

My Trust

She doesn’t wear the ring on her finger for a multitude of reasons. It could get lost or she could scratch herself or it could get caught on something or it could be noticed by someone and then the whole world might know about the secret Selina had been carrying around for about two weeks. It isn’t that she is ashamed or embarrassed about the engagement, but she likes the idea that this particular moment is being shared only with the people she trusts to treat it with love and kindness. She knows that the world, that Gotham, will pry and pick at the happiness her engagement is giving her, but if she keeps the ring on a chain around her neck, close to her heart, then maybe she can keep this beautiful moment going just a bit longer.

A Thousand Cuts

The bells ring louder than she had expected but the crowd of people are even louder. Selina’s still not used to the public side of being connected with this new Bruce Wayne, but she loves the private part of him too much to be dissuaded by camera flashes and people shouting his name. As they race from the the entrance of the church (Martha and Thomas got married there, so Bruce felt getting married there was the closest he’d get to having his parents at his wedding) to the open car, she focuses on the rhythmic ringing of the bells, blocking out the shouts and questions and rice that is being thrown at her. And each ring seems to to call out to her:

Bong! Don’t give up on him.

Bong! He’s got you.

Bong! He may have cut you a thousand times…

Bong! But he’ll heal you a thousand and one.

[futurebyparamore]

ooookayyy petals of armor thoughts!!! part 1 because I wrote so so much but here it is!!

leave it alone

the bass HITS

chill and sad song but still a good vibe

the lyrics hit they’re so sad :(

“now that I finall wanna live the ones I live are dying” this one is so sad

tastes so bitter I love those vocals

the bass is so good

I kinda wish hayley would be playing bass on tour that would be so awesome

“if you know love best prepare to grieve”

“then prepare to let it leave”

beautifully sad

cinnamon

also one of my favorites HOW CAN IT NOT BE

AH AHHH AH

SO GOOD PLAY THIS ONE LOUD!!

I remember having my friend listen and her saying this was a creepy funky vibe

shoutout alf!! love this boy!

I LOVE THE MUSIC VIDEO! our girl dancing!! it was so different but so fun

brand new eyes motifs

THE BASS AH!

FEMININE!!

aaah

I mean yeah I wouldn’t leave

cinnamon mmm

I got lost in the song and starting dancing

I’m not lonely I am FREE!! FINALLY!!

a woman coming into her own

creepin

not one of my favorites

the world is a vampire

“I’m a moon in daylight” kinda witchy vibes

the memory of shit stain chad creeping around while she’s trying to heal?

“starts as something so simple and innocent” that brings the memory or him?

“never know when to quit” “ had a taste but you don’t want to forget him” but fuck him tbh

it’s like she’s yearning for the familiarity of him but she’s moving on because she knows he isn’t good for her

sudden desire

one of my favorites from the absolute beginning

wanting the feeling of someone back but they did you so wrong!!

it’s like a weird shameful sudden desire

random ass feelings that you thought you let go of just come creeping back

bass is killing it can’t go one song without saying it

I love her vocals “better to walk beside it then underneath”

her vocals really kill it here

my friend

:,)

I love this song so so much I sent it to two of my best friends

it’s so real and sweet

I love her vocals on shadow

friends are everything and I’m so glad hayley has friends that appreciate her so much

brian :) taylor :) lindsey :) joey and zac ofc and alf!!

her little baby alf

“not a secret I can’t keep... all of your good and your evil come leave it with me” I love this lyric

tender friendships

chock FULL of good lyrics

the breakdown IS SO GOOD

vocals are so good

love the outro

over yet

love this song

gets me out of bed and makes me dance

motivational as hellllll

“it’s the right time to come alive”

busting in a grooove

the bass!! it’s really good okay

roses/lotus/violet/iris

appreciate women song!! appreciate yourself song!!

“I have seen your body... and your beauty... pretty pretty things”

growth!! growth within yourself and alongside friends and appreciating them

goosebumps

“I myself was a wilted women forgot my roots now watch me bloom” confident and pride in herself and her growth

“I will not compare other beauty to mine and I will not become a thorn in my own side” I cried one of my favorite lyrics ever

this is one of my favorite songs sometimes I forget what it contains but then I listen to it and it’s amazing

“ I will not return to where I once was!!! I can break through these and come out soft and wild” raw vocals and another amazing line

[artificialqueens]

bound to you (pearlet) - pipedream

a/n: this is about a million firsts for me (including the first time i’ve written in about two years) and for context this is a chapter from a much bigger trixya fic i’m writing based on the film burlesque that i planned ages ago. i knew i wouldn’t be able to include every scene and pov i wanted for this in the actual fic so hence this mess. massive shoutout to @grey-darling for beta reading and being an all round angel (thanks for preventing my utter neurosis) and i just made a sideblog for writing that i’m hopefully actually going to use so check out @piipedreams if you want!

Violet’s wedding dress is, to say the least, unconventional. Barely hitting mid-thigh, it manifests itself as a white corset pulling her waist to an almost impossible size with her small breasts perfectly cupped and stone lines running down the bodice, thick white feathers along with strips of glittered tulle hanging off in every direction as a skirt. Her hair is perfectly coiffed to avoid tangling in the white feathers rising up from the top of the corset behind her like a regal collar or strange halo, and despite looking like one of her dance costumes, the glittering tiara and jewels twisted into her updo and her signature red lips constantly upturned make her seem like the most regal person Trixie has ever seen. It is glamorous, extra and, she thinks, quintessentially Violet. Trixie loves her. Trixie loves weddings.

In spite of her expectations, the wedding is a rather small affair. Around forty guests are invited, most the charismatic yet sleazy twenty-somethings Max keeps as friends, laughing obnoxiously loudly and milling about with undone top buttons and bottles of lager clutched in one hand as they try to charm the girls from the club. Trixie feels fiercely protective of them as she watches an already intoxicated man wrap a possessive arm over a tense Farrah, and is about to stride over to the scene when she feels a hand clasp around her upper arm, acrylic nails slightly biting into her skin with the force of the grip.

Katya had left the apartment early that morning, while Trixie was showering, without a hello or goodbye, to get ready with Violet and her bridesmaids Raja, Courtney and Alaska. Trixie hadn’t seen her dress, her makeup or her planned hairstyle and as she swivels around to face the hand clutching her, she remembers why she abandoned religion long ago, because no god could be so merciless as to force her to endure such torture. Because Katya is stunning in every way, from the violet lace flowers adorning her sheer, knee length dress to the silver Dr Marten boots contrasting the elegance of her tiara, curls and makeup that must have been done by Raja. Trixie could fucking cry, she wants to say something but she’s lost, eyes firmly planted on the offensive boots she wears. But Katya doesn’t seem to have the patience to be stared at, yanking Trixie closer to her and pressing two fingers from her spare hand under Trixie’s chin to tilt it up to face her.

They’re inches apart, Katya as always chewing incessantly on gum, so close that Trixie can hear every time it’s squelched between her teeth, can smell and taste the mint radiating from her grape painted lips, can feel hot air against her face and Katya’s eyes bore into her, solemn and serious, slightly wide and pupils dilated. Her lips part in what seems like slow motion to Trixie, gentle and graceful, and when she speaks her voice is a soft whisper.

“Pearl is here.” And now it all makes sense. The words come out rushed, panicked and her eyes widen further, her chewing on the gum picking up pace and power until Trixie is slightly terrified she’s going to grind her teeth down or unhinge her own jaw. Her fingers are twitching. Trixie doesn’t break their gaze.

“Who the fuck invited her?” she demands. All she can think about is the last few weeks, Pearl’s sullen face and blatant antagonism, every biting comment aimed her way, every bitchy side-eye at one of the girls and muttered insults. Pearl drinking, Pearl turning up late, high, Michelle refusing to let her go on stage and replacing her. It’s not the day for drama or negativity, for the pendulous grey cloud hanging over Pearl’s head like her own personal crown. In short, Trixie can’t be fucking bothered with her.

“Violet, I think,” Katya responds, face contorted so Trixie knows she’s chewing on the inside of her cheek enough to make it bleed. “I love her but you know she can be pretty–” She stops, sighs and tugs Trixie’s arm harder so they’re slowly making their way across the room from the bar to the double doors, “–oblivious.”

Trixie nods once, goes to instinctively bite her thumb nail before remembering they’re now acrylic and detouring to the skin around it instead. She lets herself be pulled to the door like a child, only stopping when Katya slaps her hand out of her mouth, catching it in her own before it falls to her side to wipe the pink lipstick from her silver nails with a sweeping caress. She doesn’t let go after that, releasing her arm with a quick rub to it and avoiding all eye contact as she says, almost guiltily, “I’m taking you to talk to her. She asked to speak to you and I didn’t know what to do… or say. Sorry.” Another sigh. The tension wrapped in her lithe body aggravates Trixie but there’s now a swooping feeling in the pit of her stomach so she stays silent, lets Katya push open the wooden door with a bang and strides over to the smoke signal indicating Pearl’s presence. Katya leaves without a word.

Due to the rushed plans and low budget, Violet’s wedding is in a local town hall, a simplistic location with nothing special. Pearl’s stoic expression, precisely painted face and cigarette seems more than a little out of place somewhere so rustic, and finally Trixie sees what all the other girls must have, once upon a time, because she doesn’t want to get any closer but she can’t tear her eyes away. Pearl is like a Renaissance painting, intimidating and ethereal to look at yet much too powerful to be near. Sitting on the curb, looking out upon a carpark of battered Hondas seems wrong to Trixie, as though she is breaking some kind of divine rule. The smoke of the cigarette held between them chokes her as she carefully positions herself on the left of Pearl, neither one of them looking at the other now. Trixie’s love for weddings is slowly fading. She’s tongue-tied.

“I swear I wasn’t always such an uptight bitch,” Pearl begins, taking a drag of her cigarette as Trixie decides whether to gasp or laugh. It seems too out of the blue to be real. As she exhales, Trixie watches her features pinch and her eyes screw up for a second before she exclaims, almost desperate, “I don’t know what the fuck has happened to me!”

Trixie doesn’t speak. She has no words to say, no sympathy for the girl who thus far has only tormented her and thrown the dynamic of the club off completely. It’s not fair of her to call Trixie out like this, force her to listen to her breakdown and her frustration and her probably meaningless sob-story excuse. But she was raised too polite to say any of this, or to get up and leave to have fun with her friends as planned, so she just taps her foot in time to the new number Michelle told her to learn and listens.

“It’s a whole long fucking story I don’t want to go into and I’m sure you don’t too and I– I swear this isn’t an excuse or anything I know there’s no excuse but– fuck – I used to be so, like, flazeda, you know?” Pearl turns to her, the cigarette in her fingers long forgotten.

“Flazeda?” Trixie huffs out a breath of laughter, baffled.

“Is that– Is that not the phrase? I don’t know, I was always a dumb bitch according to Violet– fuck, Violet– but like, I swear I’m usually so fucking chill.”

Trixie finds that hard to believe. “Are you drunk?”

“No, I had like one cocktail when I got here but there were too many people at the bar and I know they don’t want to see me right now so I just kinda avoided everyone after that– God what am I saying? - anyway-”

“Get to the point, girl. I don’t wanna be out here.”

“Right, sorry, I just-” She sighs, takes one last drag from her cigarette before putting it out against her knee, burning a small hole through her dress. Trixie knows Violet made that dress. She wonders if she did that on purpose. “-I’m not a bad person. I know I’ve been a fucking asshole to you and I know you hate me, which I get, but I swear this isn’t me. And I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what you’re even saying, Pearl. And why now? Your timing is… kinda fucked.”

“I know, I know, I just-” She looks skittish and panicked, nothing like what she’s used to, or what she claims to be. “-Violet’s getting married!” She pulls out her carton of cigarettes again with twitching hands only to find it empty. Without a second thought, she hauls it into the car park and watched it bounce off one of the battered Hondas. Trixie stifles a snort. She tries again.

“Violet’s getting married and I know that now. She’s got a whole future ahead of her, a life planned and she knows who she is and what she wants and that’s so good! It is! But I’m a year older than her and I know nothing and I’m just letting things happen and fucking things up over and over again and for what? To watch a twenty three year old I care about more than anyone slowly leave me and show me everything I’m doing wrong. Everything is a fucking mess and I need to start fixing things. And there’s nothing I’ve fucked up more than my relationship with you.”

The words feel too weighted for Trixie to process. She speaks in riddle and metaphor, convoluted and fragmented all at once and Trixie didn’t sign up to solve puzzles today. She gives her a look, pointed and demanding, all hooded eyes and pursed lips.

“I never thought Violet would get married. At least, not now. Not like this.” She shakes her head. “But I’m, like, coming to terms with it and accepting it and moving on. So I had a lot of shit going on and I took it out on you and I’m sorry. I was bitter and jealous and fucking disheartened and I blamed you but I shouldn’t have. So I can put all that resentment and drama behind me if you can. I want a fresh start. So,” she turns to face Trixie with her whole body, arms wrapped around herself as she meets Trixie’s gaze, looking smaller and more human than ever before. “Truce?”

Trixie is exhausted. While Pearl’s voice can often be soothing, as pleasant as her very appearance, the neurosis under every word made it heavy and painful, and neither of them, she realises, are heartless. They’re all just girls desperate for a place to come home. So she nods, rests a hand on Pearl’s knee to repeat “Truce,” as authentically as she can and rises, ready to immerse herself in the celebration and hope awaiting inside instead of festering in Pearl’s hopelessness any longer.

As Trixie retreats, Pearl tries to gather her thoughts. She’d expected her apology to sound sincere and genuine, to allow Trixie a first glimpse into her old self, the real her she’s trying to become again, but the moment she arrived her whole situation had become too much for her brain to handle and she’d spouted out nothing, she felt, of value. She wonders if she’ll have time to pop to the shop across the street for more cigarettes before Katya sends over the next person she requested, and considers laughing briefly when she tries to conjure the image of Katya like a scout trying to lead lost girls through to her like some kind of interviewer, but all amusement falls from her when she sees the stern face of Michelle out the corner of her eye. Another demon to face.

Michelle doesn’t lower herself to the same level as Pearl. Reaching her, she doesn’t lie with her body contorted in ways that should not be possible and nick a fag like Katya, doesn’t curl up on the curb in a ball and look up earnestly like Adore, nor does she stretch out with long legs extended into the road like Trixie. Instead she just stands, looking down on the pathetic form in front of her, and Pearl has never felt more ashamed or guilty, not in all her outbursts, all her moments with Violet, all her fights with Trixie. She wants to get it over with as quick as possible.

“I didn’t sleep with Sean,” she starts with a sigh, trying to block out the fleeting memories of the night she yelled that at Michelle, drunk and high and stupid with unbridled emotion. “I just wanted to find a way to make you hurt the way I was. I crossed a line.”

“Yes.” She responds, features slightly relaxing. Pearl loves her. “But you did sleep with Violet.”

And there it is, the elephant in the room for weeks, months, over a year. The world’s worst kept secret she convinced herself was the best. In theory, she knew that most of the girls, hell, most of the workers at the club in general, must’ve known, with the exception of Trixie and Adore, perhaps, but nobody ever said anything or even hinted, so she told herself over and over again that they didn’t know, that this was just for her and Violet, something for them to enjoy in private. Just the two of them. But the club is her family, and family know everything, whether they acknowledge it or not. She can’t deny it.

“Yes.”

“Multiple times.”

“Yes.” She thought calling people out to speak to her like this would be good, that she’d have full control over the situation. Trust Michelle to hold all power over her effortlessly. Instantly. She watches her mouth open again, ready to speak more unbearable truths, to tell her things she hasn’t even spoken aloud yet, so she cuts her off with a lulling, classically Pearl voice, proud. “Michelle, I want to come home.”

“You came here, despite everything. You’re already home.” The words are gratifying, like some kind of spell that saves her, redeems her, makes everything feel not-so-hopeless and finished. For a moment, the tightness of her lungs relieves itself as she thinks about how easy her next conversations with Kim and Shea should be after that, until Michelle lays a hand on her shoulder and regains her attention.

“I know you’ve been sending Katya in search of all of the girls for you to talk to but I stopped her. I told her to just send in the one that matters, because I knew you wouldn’t call her. So talk it out, get out your own head and don’t you ever pull any of that shit again or you will be out so quick it’ll make your head spin.”

“Yes ma’am,” she responds to Michelle’s retreating form in a moment of pure catharsis.

“And don’t you ever fucking call me that again, bitch!” Pearl finally allows herself to laugh, open and real and it feels so good, so freeing and real until the tightness in her chest returns and she stops, mouth still open, caught dead. Michelle doesn’t fuck around, and she could recognise the silhouette approaching her anywhere.

“Violet,” she breathes out, stunned. It wasn’t that she didn’t ask for Violet because she had nothing to say, she just had far too much and couldn’t gather her thoughts enough to decide what was appropriate to tell her. She can barely think at all in Violet’s presence, it’s what’s lead her to the position she’s in now, sat helpless on a curb with no fags and too many feelings outside the wedding of her best friend, who approaches her like she’s a wounded animal, all gentle eyes and slow movements. It’s a Violet most of the world hasn’t seen, and she wonders how much of this side Max has seen. Wonders if it’s more than she has. Wonders whether she really wants to know the answer to that.

Unlike Michelle, Violet sits, but not next to her like any other regular human. Muttering a petulant “I didn’t want the fucking thing anyway,” she removes the long veil from her head, places it on the ground and tries to lower herself to sit on it, fighting the control of her corset, right in the road, directly opposite Pearl. Face to face. She lets out a groan as she finally sits and stretches her legs out so her feet sit in Pearl’s lap. It feels too familiar, and to disguise her expressions Pearl looks down and fiddles with the white faux fur attached by hand, she’s sure, to the stilettos. “You wanted to talk?”

“No,” Pearl admits, because this is Violet. “Michelle wanted us to talk.”

“About…?” And she’s stumped. Of course she knows what Michelle was insinuating but she doesn’t have the words for that yet, isn’t ready to open and fully delve into that can of worms, she’s dumbstruck and overwhelmed and terrified. She reaches desperately for something, anything that matters and can get across her point in a subtle and ambiguous way that she doesn’t have to fully come to terms with. “Why are you marrying him? Wait, no, why are you getting married in the first place?”

Violet doesn’t look half as offended as she’d expected, but throws out pretty quickly a defensive “Because I’m in love!” as she kicks Pearl’s hands away from her feet. She’s unsure if it’s an act of petulance or protection over her brand new shoes.

“Are you? Or at least, is that the real reason for all this, not the pregnancy drama?”

“Are you?”

She ignores that, tries to persist. “I just want to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons. I mean, Jesus Violet, you’re only twenty three.”

“Answer my question. Are you?” Violet’s tone is pointed, eyes look black as they pierce her, imploring.

“Answer mine first.” She gulps. She didn’t want to have this conversation, curses Michelle and Katya and Violet and herself and any greater being if they exist.

“That seems like all the answer I need. But not what I want. And you know me, Pearl. I always get what I want.” Pearl can’t grasp her tone and work out whether it’s seductive or intimidating as she tilts her head to the side, capturing her eyes in a fierce gaze. She finds it both, equally. “I’m getting married to secure my future with somebody I love, who can love, take care of, and provide for me for the rest of my life. I’m in love. Are you?” She tilts her head to the other side this time, eyes slightly wide, all curious and innocent.

“I– who would I even be in love with?” Pearl stammers out, barely able to form words. She feels caught off-guard entirely. Like Michelle, Violet knows how to command anything and immediately take charge of the situation. It used to be one of her favourite things about her.

“Me.” She stares harder, refusing to allow Pearl to look away.

This is Violet. The girl she calls her best friend, the girls she’s spent endless nights with, countless intimate moments, the girl she’s admitted most of her secrets and all her darkest thoughts to. This is Violet, who she promised never to lie to and never to hurt. She doesn’t break promises, but now she finds the two in complete opposition. She knows which one she has to break, but she can’t bear it.

“Do you love me?” Violet tries again, but it’s not a firm and demanding as before. It’s by no means soft or gentle, not at all sympathetic, it’s just a plain and sincere question. She could’ve been asking what she had for breakfast.

“No.” She tries. “I mean, yes. You’re one of the girls, you know. You’re family, and I love you all. You’re my best friend and I care about you more than anything. Of course I love you.” The lump in her throat swells as she speaks and she tries not to let it affect her words or block her airway. “But are you in love with me?” Never satisfied, she thinks, mentally rolling her eyes.

“No.” Pearl lies. Violet bites on the tip of her own tongue.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. I care about you a lot but I don’t think it’s love.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I promised you I’d come. And I don’t break my promises.” She lies again, but it’s enough to placate Violet, who nods once, assured. Pearl watches with hungry eyes as she takes in a deep, sharp breath and smiles.

“Good. Well, you found out why I’m getting married and I found out why you’re here so everything is even, right?” Pearl nods quickly. Violet pulls her feet out of Pearl’s lap and places her hands on the ground, bracing herself to stand. Before she does, though, she reconnects their gaze with friendly, slightly guarded eyes.

“Are you staying to watch the ceremony? Or did you just come to fix things with everyone?”

“I don’t know.”

“OK.” It feels too anticlimactic an ending. Violet must sense it too as she stands, because she looks back as she picks up her ruined veil. “It starts in five. I’ll see you in there, or– maybe not. But hey, you can keep this.” She tosses the veil into Pearl’s lap nonchalantly. “And Pearl?” She halts her movements and softens. “I’m glad you’re back. And happy.”

“Me too. With you. I’m glad you’re happy with him, and in love. You deserve it.” Blatant lies mixed with truth. Pearl thought she had turned over a new leaf. What a dumb bitch she is.

Violet walks away, outfit still as white as ever, right down to the shoes. She pushes through the booming double doors like an ice queen and out of Pearl’s sight entirely, leaving her on the curb facing the car park with nothing but a battered veil and her thoughts for company.

By time she’s finally collected herself, ran back through every conversation of the afternoon in her mind, the sun is setting slightly and blinding her and she decides to go inside. The concept of time had left her grasp a while ago and she’s not sure if the ceremony has started or finished by this point, but she decides to take her chances. She promised Violet since they were barely adults, long before they should legally have been in the club, that she’d always be by her side. Her wedding included. So she stands without another thought and strides towards the wooden double doors, a veil in one hand and an old clutch bag in the other, and pushes open the doors with her fist and a little too much force, stumbling through them like an idiot as she loses her balance and slips on one leg. When she regains control of her limbs to stop herself from falling to the ground and embarrassing herself entirely, she is met with around forty faces turned in her direction. The heaving wooden doors had slammed together behind her with a thud and, naturally, drawn all attention in the room to her pathetic, bumbling figure. She tries to conjure up something to say and, devoid of any sense of dignity, holds the soiled veil clutched in her fist up.

“You forgot your veil.”

Being such a mess, so mortifyingly out of control, she expected the guests to laugh at her. What she hadn’t expected was the stoic silence she was met with, eyes flitting between people and back at her, mixtures of shock, confusion and utter disdain upon their faces. She slowly lowers her hand and watches Katya grab Trixie’s hand, chewing on the skin of her bottom lip. Michelle will be furious if it bleeds, she thinks momentarily, but it’s neither the time nor place, and she hadn’t meant to cause a stir but she can’t see an empty seat and an all-too-familiar voice breathes out “Pearl” with such ambivalent emotion that she seems to have forgotten every reason she decide to come in the first place.

“Pearl.” This time the voice is Michelle’s, speaking to her like she’s a stubborn child. “You–”

“What is she doing here?” Max demands to an unresponsive Violet, whose full body had turned to Pearl upon her arrival, crimson lips parted and eyes wider than she’d ever seen them. The quickening, deep rise and fall of her chest as she breathes is visible even from the other side of the aisle. Realising he’s not going to get anything from his soon-to-be wife, Max rounds on her instead. “You weren’t invited. Get out of my wedding.”

For once in her life, she decides, she’s going to stand her ground. She’s going to follow her gut and do what feels right and she isn’t going to give in and let people down. Violet is twenty three and about to be married because she knows who she is and what she wants and goes for it. Pearl is twenty four and it’s time she starts acting upon that too. “Violet invited me.”

Max scoffs. “No she didn’t. We wrote the guestlist together, you weren’t send an invitation.”

“No.” She screws her eyes shut for a second before they meet Violet’s wide ones, knowing the words are going to hurt. “She invited me at the club. Face to face.”

Max rounds on Violet again, who is still motionless. “Is this true?” He does not demand, as she’d expected, but asks softly with a furrowed brow. Hurt, perhaps.

Violet nods slowly. Pearl watches her throat bob as she swallows. In barely more than a whisper she tries to speak again, a gentle “Pearl, I-” before she is cut off this time by their minister. Everything and everybody is in disarray.

“I believe we were at the vows, yes?” She aims to Max, nodding frantically to try and regain some sense of order. Violet is elsewhere, frozen, as he nods back at her and places his hands gently on her waist, turning her to face him as he expresses his love for her in words Pearl is certain only half the room is really hearing. She resigns herself to watch the ceremony standing, watch her best friend sign her life away to a man twenty years older than her who hates Pearl and has to physically move her in order to get her to marry him. It all feels so wrong. She hates that Violet wants this. A bitter, selfish, dark part of her prays that Violet doesn’t really want this but she silences it.

As Max says “Till death do us part,” with a small smile on his lips and his hands clutching Violet’s, Violet shuts her eyes. It’s the first time she’s moved of her own accord since Pearl’s entrance. Her eyes are squeezed so tightly shut her eyeshadow is barely visible and Pearl wants to call out to her and stop her, to press her index fingers against the wrinkled eyelids and flatten them out, to tell her her makeup is going to be ruined, but she can’t. There’s an aisle and a man and a ring between them, and all the man is doing is saying “Violet!” once in a sharp whisper, like a parent berating their child while trying not to embarrass themself. Like anyone could ever be embarrassed of Violet.

Taking in what looks like a huge breath, Violet opens her eyes and slowly extracts her hands from Max’s grip. She looks at him with sorrowful eyes and turns away to face the aisle. Like some sort of Medusa, she turns Pearl to stone as her gaze fixes on her, and this time she speaks properly, with volume and power and certainty.

“Pearl,” despite the newfound conviction, she is soft when she speaks, her voice all breathy and airy, perfectly regal. It’s not the first time she’s been so compelling Pearl has wanted nothing more than to get on her knees before her, but this time it is nothing but respect and a feeling of pure unworthiness that makes her feel as though she should kneel, or bow or curtsy. The aisle is short but Violet finds a way to walk only halfway down it, an equal distance from Max and her. It’s all too much and there are forty pairs of eyes trained on them that Violet seems barely even aware of as she speaks again.

This time, there is no teasing, no fleeting insinuations and speaking in metaphor and half-sentences. She is plain and direct when she finally asks “Are you in love with me?”

And while part of Pearl had been fully expecting the question, she is still somehow taken aback by the words. This is it, her very last chance, the precipice of their whole relationship and Violet’s future. It’s the final opportunity she has to act upon what she really feels, regardless of the consequences. It’s now or never. Before she opens her mouth, however, Violet speaks again. “Pearl. I need to know. I can’t get married without knowing everything there is to know about myself and my life. I’m about to give my whole future to him, until death. I have to know. Are you in love with me?”

The question has been asked so many times it’s beginning to become unbearable. But so is the old Pearl, so she straightens up, looks Violet dead in the eyes and tries to prevent her voice from cracking as she says without a hint of regret or hestiance “Yes.”

Violet takes one step closer. One fucking step. “Say it.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, just for the two of them. She does not command, implore or desperately plead. She just speaks, encouraging Pearl to speak again like she’s sharing another secret with her beneath silk sheets. And Pearl is melted by her gaze. “I love you.” She swallows the lump in her throat and it leaves for good. Her body feels light. It’s a feeling she hadn’t remembered. “I’m in love with you.”

Behind Violet, Pearl can hear Max stuttering out single syllables with an expression like a fish, all typical masculine outrage and bewilderment, completely struck wordless by the idea of his wedding day being anything less than perfect. But as Violet approaches her with an unreadable expression and grabs onto her upper arms with both hands, she finds she couldn’t care less about him, or anyone else for that matter. They have forty people as an attentive audience unable to tear their eyes away from the soap opera drama they have a front row seat to, but she doesn’t care about them either. Because Violet is gritting her teeth and pulling her closer as she turns and says, with only a slither of apology laced in her tone “Max, I can’t marry you. I love you, and you could give me the future I always planned for myself, but I’m twenty three now. And that’s not the future I want. So I’m sorry, but I guess I’m cancelling the wedding?”

The last phrase comes out more as a question, her voice breaking slightly and Pearl fears, for a moment, that Violet has made the wrong decision - is still barely able to process that Violet has made a decision, that she had a decision to make - but then she turns back to Pearl, who sees that her voice had wobbled as a huge grin had graced her face, mouth half open as though more than pleasantly surprised with her own decision and eyes sparkling.

Pearl loves her. Pearl is so in love with her and her toothy grins and twinkling eyes and when Violet ecstatically says “I– I love you too!” with a furrowed brow and breathy voice, completely dazed by her own life, Pearl feels giddy and silly and she laughs. Her hands go to Violet’s hips, slightly tickled by feathers as she pulls her closer and they laugh right into each other’s faces, ugly, loud, completely unromantic and more than perfect.

And when Violet finally kisses her, long and lingering and interrupted by dizzy grins, soft yet firm lips making more promises than even Pearl has and washing away every moment of tension she’d had out on that fucking curb, more fulfilling than the cigarettes she’d been craving for what feels like forever now and more addictive than nicotine could ever be, she feels like the old Pearl all over again. She can vaguely hear a man wolf whistle and the newfound defiant side of her itches to put her middle finger up until Violet, beautiful, perfect, unromantic yet still in love with Pearl, does it first and Pearl pulls her closer, breaking the kiss to rest their foreheads and noses together, not yet ready to face her smeared lipstick. Katya is whooping, she’s sure, and she can feel the grins from the girls from the club radiating off them.

“What now?” Violet asks as she pulls her face away, eyes flickering down to their conjoined hands almost self-consciously. It’s a very un-Violet like gesture, the kind to put her on edge for a moment, until she continues. “I’m not letting you be the Elaine to my Ben so you better have a plan.” Always so demanding.

“When have I ever had a plan for anything?” Pearl responds, shaking her head with her lips upturned and eyes more fond than she’d like. Violet laughs again, loud and obnoxious, turning away to face the girls from the club. As they’d got caught up in each other, the guests had for the most part made their way to the bar, trying to make the most of its availability before they inevitably get kicked out. Their club family, however stand in a cluster closeby, waiting for them to break away so they can round on them, and for a minute Pearl has flashbacks to playing football as a child and the team gathering her up after scoring a goal. Violet, she thinks, is the greatest goal she’s ever scored.

Alaska is softly sobbing into the crook of Sharon’s neck, who has one arm wrapped around her and is laughing hysterically as Katya bounces up and down behind her with her hands on her shoulders, talking endlessly about everything too quickly for Pearl to process. Violet is wrapped under her arm now as people speak to them, congratulations and jokes and bets and claims they knew all along tossed on them unrelentlessly until Michelle appears.

“How do you feel?” She asks, and Pearl doesn’t know who she’s directed it at. She lets Violet speak first.

“This was the right decision.” Pearl’s heart feels full. “I would’ve been signing my life away to him, bound to him for eternity. I don’t think I’m meant to belong to anyone like that.” She nudges Pearl with her hip. “This one wouldn’t dare try me. She knows me too well.”

Michelle laughs, hearty and glad. “Good luck with that one,” she says, addressing Pearl this time. “She’ll keep you on your toes. I hope you know what you signed up for,” she jokes with a wink.

“So do I.” She returns with false dread, teeth gritted and brow raised as Violet screams beside her and pushes her away momentarily, pulling her back by her hand into a chaste kiss as Michelle retreats before turning to her, eyes doe-like and youthful with sudden sincerity.

“You know you could’ve avoided all this drama if you’d just said yes outside. I knew you loved me all along, but I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t admit that to me. I’m too old to be ashamed of anything anymore, especially not love.”

It’s too much for Pearl to take. She is brimful with love. “Shut the fuck up,” she simply says with a grin, shoving her head slightly. “You’re a fucking baby.”

“Your fucking baby.”

“Oh, do you have a plan for us now, since I’m apparently so useless?” she shoots back, all playful and flirty, and god how she’d missed this.

“Maybe,” Violet replies conspiratorially, tapping the side of her nose before she plants a big, red kiss on Pearl’s cheek. Pearl fucking hates her. “I love you!” Violet adds with a grin.

[soniathesquishy]

My Dumbass Greyhound Journey Across the Country

[crispsevans]

2018 in review.

Here’s my year in review. It’s been a tough one. I know, you shouldn’t blame a system that mankind came up with to keep track on time for all of this, but it just happened to happen in 2018.

January: My year started off in Rotterdam, The Netherlands, where my former roommate and I went to for New Year’s last year. When we came back home a lot of not so nice surprises waited for me which led to a mental breakdown in...

February: Probably one of the worst months of my 2018. I spent hours and days of locking myself up and cry and feeling empty, just like I did all those years ago. I knew it was time for a change and since we had to move out of our flat anyway, I took a step back and instead of looking for a new place for myself, I made the decision to go back home to get healthy again. I looked for an open therapy spot and arranged everything to go back home to my dad’s house.

March: Saying goodbye to Cologne wasn’t very easy for me at all. Packing all my stuff, I realized I’d be leaving with way more stuff than what I have moved in with. I packed up 17 huge boxes and tons of bags and suitcases filled with my life and it took us three days to get everything back into my old hometown and into my old bedroom. Thanks to my boss at this point, because he was such a big help, really!

April: Back in my hometown, I felt relieved. So much pain was just gone in a snap and I felt so much better now that the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt a lot more free than I have in the 7 months before and my anxiety slowed and stripped down, which was a nice change. But I kept being dumb and made some stupid mistakes which led to bad things in the following months.

May: Being a wedding photographer, I only took on very few weddings this year which meant financially I was basically ruined. I haven’t thought about this too much, but I thought I should take care of myself and my health first, since I overworked myself in 2017. Well, not my best idea, let me tell you. I should’ve worked a way out to stabilized both, my health and my finances. Instead, I didn’t and a huge mess was waiting for me by the end of the year. But for now, in May I had my very first wedding of the season and it was a very good and beautiful one. I won new friends and clients through this and in general that day was one of the happiest of my 2018. Shoutout to Patrick for sticking with me that day.

June: Shot my second wedding of the year in June and it was so interesting and also made friends again through it. Amazing, really. And then I went to London, the only place in the world that makes me feel home and secure and happy. I went there with two friends to actually see Ed Sheeran in Wembley. Hell, what a day that was. We stood like 6th row and it was phenomenal. Probably a day I’ll never forget - EVER. Also we were staying in this really nice AirBnb and the hosts name was also Kate which was very funny. On my last day in London, I had a few hours for myself and walked through the city as I always do. My feet brought me to the V&A, my happy place in my happy place. It’s a place where I can think and get my mind off all the bad things that surround me. I was getting inspired by paintings and pieces of fashion - I’ve seen it all a billion times but it keeps inspiring me every time. I was very sad when I picked up my suitcase and made my way to Heathrow to catch my flight. 

July: Probably the month I have the least memories off, because barely anything happened. I just tried to survive with the growing feeling of emptiness and numbness. I probably annoyed all of my friends with my moodswings, I mean I even annoyed myself with it. Shot my third and originally my last wedding of the season and it was meh, but thanks Tascha for making it a great day anyway and we found this really good Italian restaurant near where I live - we need to go there again. Never thought Spaghetti Aglio e Olio can taste THIS GOOD.

August: Favourite month of the year and also my birthday month. August is not necessarily my favourite month because it is my birthday month, but it marks summer for me and I’m a summer person. To me, it has the most beautiful days of the year and I can’t get enough of it. I like the number 8 as well... so yeah.  My August started with a visit to Vienna, where I saw a whole bunch of my friends who did their best to make me feel better (looking at ya @promisedmistake and @uneven-odds ), even though I had a moment, where I kinda fell apart, but I guess that happens. I cherish those days very much, because they were also a big part of the best days of my year. Spending the days by the pool, getting a sunburn, turning like really brown afterwards... having a birthday party for my friend we were all staying with... be reckless for some time, having tons of laughs with those great people, eating good food and some great pizza, drinking delicious drinks, watching “Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again” and just simply having a good time. When I headed back my anxiety hit me really hard again, because I actually left a letter to my father before i left saying many things about myself that are very true to the core but that I have never managed to tell him. He tried to talk to me about it, but then again anxiety hit me so hard that I ran away and we haven’t talked about it ever since.  My birthday came up on August 14th and it was a pretty boring day. Didn’t really celebrate it at all, also was reminded on my real friends who really thought of me that day and how they treated me and wished me a happy birthday. It’s not necessarily the fact they remember your birthday, but to me it’s also the way someone wishes you a happy birthday that shows you how important you are to them.  I also met one of my wedding couples from 2015 (or 2016???) again, because they were expecting a baby! AHHHH! We had always planned to see each other again but we never made it due to our busy schedules and then it finally worked. It was a beautiful summer evening and to be honest, I took many of my favourite images during that photoshoot. The rest of August was pretty calm, started to work in a the pub again more often and well...

September: A game changer month for me in many ways. It was so stressful but so inspiring and a good month for me with a few bad days in between, but that’s just the way life should be, right? I started September with working and then I actually flew to GREECE (yes GREEEEEECE!!!!!) to shoot my last wedding of the season. Okay, I was second shooting it but seriously - best wedding of my entire career. Not only because it was beautifully planned and decorated, but this wedding felt like a freaking friends wedding where I just happened to be. It didn’t feel like work for just one second. Everyone was so kind and so nice and caring, the food was incredible and the photographer girl I went with is probably one of my closer friends now, because we learned so much about each other in those 3 days, insane. What an experience. I also flew business class for the first time and I’m a bit sad that I’m so broke, because that experience was just AWESOME. Luckily, I didn’t have to pay for any of that. I got paid instead. What a dream. When I came back from Greece, everything felt like a dream, because I still couldn’t believe it. I went back working in the pub and then the event I had been waiting for the whole year took place - photokina. Seeing all my amazing colleagues in one place was a very good thing for me and something I needed so bad. Listening to very inspiring talks (Christian Anderl, WHAT A GUY) and seeing my one and only Nadia again was so refreshing and healthy for me, I don’t think these people know how good this was for me and how much I needed it. I spent three days straight on this fair and looked at new gear, tested out new lenses and listened to many inspiring people, as well as shopped some new stuff for my business. I also met some people again that I literally haven’t seen IN YEARS and that was also one of the best days I’ve spent this year. Seeing Lynn and Jan was really something that lit up my mood by a 1000.  What else happened in September? I captured a christening by the end of the month, I went to see my favourite football club (YES FOOTBALL, NOT AMERICAN FOOTBALL OK) in the stadium and something happened I never thought would happen - my love for this one stupid person finally started to freaking FADE. 

October: I don’t like October very much until the 8th, because the 7th is a very ... memorable day for me, where I always feel very bad. Coincidentally the two men I have shared the biggest love for in my life actually were born on this freaking day. Like there were only two.. AND BOTH OF THEM WERE BORN ON OCTOBER 7th ... two years apart from each other but seriously, PLEASE. So that day didn’t turn out to be very well, I spent it in bed and I tried to sleep through it as much as possible. October 9th marks a very life changing day for me, as on Oct 9th in 2006 my little brother was born. I was 12 years old back then and spent the day in an amusement park. I got the news when I came back home in the evening. This year, he turned 12 himself and it’s ridiculous how fast time flies, because I feel nothing like 24, I still feel the same like when I was 14 and yet I can see time run when I look at my brother. He eventually grew taller than me this year and his voice lowered down by an octave already. Like how is this happening.  Other than that, October was a pretty boring month but it opened up the more or less catastrophe in my life that I created myself in April this year. Great. 

November: Even though November isn’t far away time wise, I barely remember what happened in that month, because I actually just lived from day to day, trying to survive. It was a bad month, a really bad one. The only light in that month was probably that I went to see the Mamma Mia Musical.

December: Wow, I don’t even know where this month went. It was shorter than ever before. For the first time in years I actually made biscuits again, like german christmas biscuits. I tried to bring up the christmas mood, but well. Didn’t really work out that much. I ordered a new phone, because my old one is actually dying. And I started to go to the cinema more often again. A real plus side. My anxiety level is probably around 90 of 100 and I am scared of what 2019 holds up for me - like literally. But my number one favourite memory of December and probably also of 2019 is seeing my best friend again after two years. We rarely talk, but she is still my best friend, because I know she’s there when I need her - always.

So in general, I had some pretty good memories this year. I went to see a lot of movies in the cinema, I made some new friends, I went to Greece for a wedding, I lost my love for photography at some point and gained it back at another one, I had a ton of bad days this year, so many that I just stopped to count them and it all felt like a huge blurry mess. 

Thank you 2018 for teaching me and showing me the life I don’t want to have, but I am not strong enough yet to change. 

Just keep swimming.

[allegra0]

Franz Ferdinand 8-8-18

one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to and basically one of the greatest nights of my life.

sorry this is so long i just love them so much!!!!

I got to the venue around 5:30 when doors weren’t even going to open until 7. Even as I sat outside with only six people ahead of me in line, I was SO anxious about getting front row and I was really afraid that I wouldn't make it. I know this sounds weird, but when they let us into the theater and I bolted for the barrier and actually got it, I felt like I could finally relax for the first time in months.

I loved chatting with the people around me on the barrier! I don’t know any Franz fans in real life so it was nice to be able to talk to people about them.

I really enjoyed POW! They were fun. The keyboard player was cute as hell and her outfit was adorable. I was dying laughing at all the people in the audience who kept randomly yelling POW!!! between songs.

It was surreal when the lights finally went down and they came out. Bob and Paul first, then Julian and Dino...and then Alex, casually strolling onstage with his guitar in one hand and a mug of tea in the other. This video says it all. ♥

I was so happy they opened with Always Ascending! It's one of my absolute favorites of theirs and I feel like it's a great opener with the way it builds up. My memory of this song is a fucking blur because I was mostly just standing there attempting to process the fact that holy shit, this is happening, they're real!!!!! They're fucking real!!!!

They played Come On Home next (which I wasn’t expecting at all!!!) and they dedicated it to a woman in the front row, Reese, for her birthday. :’) Such a lovely song and the fact that they played it for her is amazing.

Alex had to stop during the second verse of Walk Away because he was having some sort of sound issues...they finished the song, but afterwards he had to walk over to the sound guy to get something fixed and he told the other guys to jam and told Bob to start lmao. So they all started awkwardly jamming and laughing and it was cute af.

When Alex came back they played The Dark of the Matinee which was AMAZINGGGG. The intro with Julian and Dino and Alex all on guitar??? So fucking cool. This was the song that sort of lowkey got me interested in them last summer (shoutout to @flakybandit ♥) which made it even better.

Come and dance with me...come and dance with me...now cOME ALL OVER ME MICHAEL

Lazy Boy is so much fucking fun!!! Alex played that shaker thing during the intro (idk what it's called) and then just fucking...flung it onto the floor behind Bob and it landed with a soft chhhk and I was dying. It was also cool to watch him counting out the 10/4 time signature in the middle of the song!

Alex held my hand during the second verse of Glimpse of Love!!!!!!!! aaaa 

It took me a second to recognize Lucid Dreams when they started playing, because I'm more familiar with the version on Tonight, but when I figured it out I fuckin lost my shit. I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH.

I was still reeling from hearing Lucid Dreams and then they fucking started playing EVIL EYE. SAJDJSDJ OH MY GODDDD. This song makes me so fucking happy. Screaming “IT'S RED YA BASTARD!!!” is definitely a life highlight.

I know I said that DotM is the song that got me interested in them last summer, but Do You Want To is the song that finally got me hooked on them this spring. I lost my mind a little bit haha. So much fun. They really drew out the “lucky lucky” part, which I loved. Alex was so into it dsjfjsf. Like yeah, Alex, you know what? I am so lucky. ❤️

Ulysses though ;o; I’ve loved that song from the moment I first heard it. I was a junior in college when it came out and I distinctly remember listening to it while walking around campus, rewinding the “you’re never going home” part over and over because I just loved it so much...yeah. Finally getting to hear it live was incredible.

The first song of the encore was Finally!!! This song means a lot to me for various reasons and I'm so happy I got to see it live. The whole band stopped playing during the little breakdown part in the middle of the song and Alex encouraged the audience to sing along. It was quiet because most people didn't know the song haha but he tried. (God, how it feels good to be with people like me.)

Feel The Love Go. Oh my god. I know I say this about a lot of Franz songs but I honestly think this is my favorite song of theirs. Back in May, when I was first getting into FF, I had a really horrible day at work. I felt like such a failure and I honestly wanted to give up and quit teaching forever. I remember listening to this song that night and the next day, and that was the first time I really paid attention to the lyrics. “For the things that you do are not who you are.” “Think of a friend and wish them love. Think of an enemy and wish them more.” It sounds ridiculous, but it spoke to me at a time when I really needed to hear it – and it kind of put some things in perspective for me. I love it so much. It gives me such a good feeling every time I listen to it. And it's so good live!!! Alex's dancing is impeccable, and I absolutely love when he gives his fucking sermons on feeling the energy and the love in the room tonIGHT!!! Fucking magical. ♥

One of my favorite things about concerts is how the energy in the room changes when a band starts playing their most popular song. The Killers with Mr. Brightside, Duran Duran with Hungry Like The Wolf, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones with The Impression That I Get...everyone just seems to come alive. That's how it felt to hear them play Take Me Out. I love it sosososo much. It takes me back to being 15, in a good way haha. Alex and Julian and Dino jumping at the beginning is cute as hell. I love those bouncy boys.

I'm pretty sure Julian noticed me at one point during Take Me Out, since he was in Dino's spot... I smiled at him and did a heart with my hands and he smiled :D

This Fire was insaneee. if you haven't seen FF play it live go check it out here (not my show but it sounded pretty much exactly the same). I loved the extended guitar jam in the middle! When Lexi and I were outside later talking to Alex, she told him how much she loved this version of the song, and Alex said he thought it was great, too! He said it's not always so drawn out, it all depends on whether he and Dino hit the right groove or not, and tonight they did. :D

Getting down on the floor and watching them through the barrier and then jumping up and dancing my ass off is another experience that I'll never forget. Part of me regrets not taking any videos of this, because it was fucking amazing, but I knew I had to just experience it. (Oh, how I burn for you. <3) Some more random observations from during/after the show:

Alex came back out for the encore with a second mug of tea

When he introduced Dino he referred to him as “the man that is loved by every cat in the world” :')

Julian has the longest legs known to man

Also Julian kept randomly giggling throughout the show jdsfjds so cute

Paul and Bob were so far away :( but it was cute to see them looking so focused and intense!

Alex has a nice butt. Thanks for coming to my TED talk

When Dino and I took our picture he leaned his head into mine (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ��

When I went to take my selfie with Paul we did that awkward thing where we both put our arms up so he was like “Here, I'll go up” sdjfsfj :’)

I wanted to talk more to Bob but I didn't know what to say! At least I got to tell him that the show was amazing and he thanked me :) What a cutie.

This is going to sound weird I think but like...Alex looked really nice in the dim glow of the streetlights in the alley? It really brought out his eyes or something haha. He's just so stunningly beautiful, and it's even more pronounced in person. <3

I almost didn't tell Alex how much their music has helped me this year. Lexi and I had taken our pictures and she was talking to him and he looked like he was about to head over to someone else and I knew it was kind of a now or never thing so I just...fucking did it. He smiled and put his hand on my shoulder and told me how much he likes hearing things like that and he hopes that next year will be better for me. :)

I was SO nervous to talk to them, especially Alex, but they all instantly made me feel at ease. They're just as lovely as everyone said they would be. If any of you ever have the opportunity to meet them after a gig, do it. They’re so kind and genuine and you can tell they enjoy getting to talk to their fans. 

It’s been a week since I saw them now and I’m not gonna lie, I’m sad and I miss them so much. Weirdly, though, I’m comforted by the fact that even though I don’t know where or when, I’m going to get to see them again (and maybe even meet them again!) and that’s enough to keep me going. ♥

[adorealeclightwood]

SH Live Review, 3x05: Stronger Than Heaven.

Hey there! If you’re new to the blog, allow me to explain what this is. 

All I’m doing is reviewing the episode as it’s playing. Keep in mind, I try SUPER hard to avoid any spoilers (aside from the usual promos/clips posted by cast members, or the official SH accounts), and I haven’t read any of the books. I may pause to refer back to previous episodes, or go into a bit of detail about certain events. 

A breakdown of Alec’s emotions and thoughts in the episode will be posted afterwards. Once that goes up, I’ll be answering all your burning questions. 

Let’s begin! 

Wait, was that Matthew saying “previously on Shadowhunters?” 

Can Lilith stay the hell away from Magnus please.

Okay, I’m pausing already. Magnus is the son of Asmodeus. Wouldn’t that mean he’s able to sense that Lilith is a demon and not a warlock? Pressing play.

OH MY GOD. GUYS. THIS IS SUCH A GREAT PARALLEL. I’LL DISCUSS IT IN THE ANALYSIS.

A sliver of the soul? That would explain why Lilith was ordering a demon to get Clary’s in the promo. Oh shit.

 See, now I’m mad. Magnus is so helpful and pure. He doesn’t deserve to be manipulated like this. Lilith has to know that he’s dating Jace’s parabatai. 

Jace going to the City of Bones? FUCK.

I understand Clary’s feelings towards the situation, but Jace is tired, scared, and sick of feeling this way. I’m glad he’s willing to take the necessary steps towards getting the help he needs. 

“What are you gonna do, text him?” There’s the sarcastic Jace I know and love! 

What’s in the box? I see feathers and jewelry. 

Magnus, you’re a bad liar. 

Alec’s little smile. My son is so cute. 

Magnus is so dramatic trying to conjure up one of Alec’s shirts lol.

Magnus’ reasoning is legit. It’s easy to forget they haven’t been together very long. 

Alec still looks upset though. 

Jace taking a personal day? Since when?

Is it weird that I wouldn’t mind a Jace + Simon ( Jimon? Sace? I don’t know.) brotp? They’re funny!

I like the fact that Jace tries to cover up his interest in Simon’s situation by saying Clary is the one that cares. 

Izzy, you don’t need any of Clary’s clothes. Have you seen your wardrobe? You always look hot. 

FINALLY, Clary tells someone! (Should’ve been Alec, but I digress.)

Luke doesn’t seem very surprised. It’s like he can totally believe she did it, he just didn’t think she would, you know? 

When did Lilith get a sidekick? Who is that guy, and why isn’t she using him instead of Jace? So many questions. 

“Friend of a friend.” Oh Jace, you snarky bitch. 

I have to say, Jace walking around touching everything reminds me of season 1. 

Alexander Lightwood, what are you doing? 

Do not open that box, young man. Put it back right now. 

DAMN IT ALEC. NOW YOU’RE SAD. 

Luke has a farm? I didn’t see this coming. 

She bypassed her brother to hug Clary? Oh. Well then.

As annoying as Jace can be, he has a point, Simon. There are way too many coincidences for this to be written off as “luck”.  

Poor Simon just wants to have a normal life with a normal roommate. 

SIMON, WEED DOES N O T LOOK LIKE THAT, LMFAO. TRUST ME.

I feel like they’re about to get caught going through Kyle’s things. 

Well, what do you know! They got caught.  

The seraph blade is glowing??????????????

WHAT THE HELL? 

KYLE IS A BITCH ASS LIAR. CONFIRMED. 

He looks attractive with his eyes glowing like that though. 

So THAT’S what the Praetor is. 

Ohhh, so they’re protecting Simon. 

“I’m not a job!” I felt that!

Telling the truth would solve 99% of the issues on this show. 

That was intense. 

OH BOY. I’VE FOUND A NEW KINK. 

Aw, this is so sweet! 

Alec, you inspirational little Shadowhunter you. 

He looked away when he said “trusting”. HMMMM. 

Wait, doesn’t Clary have angel blood? Can’t she contact the angels herself? 

Ah, okay, she said it. 

Luke looks worried. I trust papa Luke! 

The premed in me is in love with Charlie. 

Izzy is so adorable. It’s good to see her out enjoying herself. 

Oh damn it. There’s a demon nearby. 

That’s the same one that’s supposed to be after Clary! 

Now there’s two of them???

Lilith, you could’ve saved yourself the trouble and done it yourself in the first place, ma’am. 

Charlie’s back! 

No, she needs to use her healing rune, not the E.R. The struggle of interacting with mundanes. 

Wait a minute, the last time a Shadowhunter got involved with that stone, they almost died. I don’t know how to feel about this. 

Leave her? HELL no. Watch her from the trees or something.

Something bad is going to happen in these woods, I can already tell. 

Jace is so damn PETTY lol.

Why don’t you take your own advice Jace? Hmm? 

Alec has been working on his apologies! I’m so proud. 

Gin? Since when does Alec drink? 

OH MY GOD. MAGNUS. 

That box is full of things from past lovers. This is so sad. 

Alec ):

Magnus yelling? Oh shit.

The way he looked down. My chest hurts. 

He’s obviously still upset. 

THAT LOOK. I KNEW IT. 

Izzy has no idea how a hospital works. Perks of being a Shadowhunter! 

Charlie is such a good guy. I really want this to work out. 

Papa Luke is right, he can definitely keep and eye on her from a distance. 

Girl, a dog and an angel are completely different. He’s right to be worried. 

Hey, didn’t we see him in 2x20? I don’t know how to spell his name. 

OH MY FUCKING GOD?????

WHO RIPPED HIS HEART OUT?

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS THIS SHIT? 

ANGELS CAN DIE? JUST LIKE THAT? 

IS THAT LILITH????????????? THAT EVIL BITCH.

NOOOOOO, SHE GOT SOME OF CLARY’S SOUL.

That was a lot to take in. 

Oh look, Kyle and Simon are arguing again. 

Yes, Simon! Own your life boo. 

Alec is always putting other people first. He should be the one venting right now. 

I do find it interesting how it’s been proven time and time again that they can see right through each other’s bullshit, yet they continue trying to bullshit one another. 

Silent City? Did the City of Bones get a name change? 

Alec refusing to let Jace go alone? Be still, my beating heart. 

THAT HUG WAS MUCH NEEDED. (For me, anyway.)

Of all the times for Clary to not answer her phone. 

That shoutout was funny. Do your thing Simon! 

I’m so sick of Lilith always popping up. 

WATCH YOUR FUCKING DRINK, JACE. BAR ETIQUETTE 101.

I like the stark contrast between the real Jace, and the Jace that Lilith is controlling. He just zones out and you can see that he isn’t himself. 

Shit is about to get real.     

All done! This episode was...a lot. It felt rushed at times, but I realize that they’re still setting up for what’s coming. I’m sure we’ll be seeing the aftermath of these actions in future episodes. Thanks for reading (or watching?) along! I’ll be doing this again next week. 

[local-idiot-heartbroken-blog]

06.12 - 06.18: How I Ruined My Life In Under a Week

This was by far my busiest week socially (this says a lot about how uneventful my life has been in my 21 years of life). Regardless, it was very enjoyable and provided a much needed change of pace.

Breakdown:

6/12: Had a celebratory dinner for the end of finals for Baery’s ass. We ate at The Boiler, which was really good, so much so that I am going again with my family soon. Then my friend imploded on both of us and left an unsettling mood for a bit. Condolences.

6/13: Another dinner plan but this time with Francis and Andy in OC. We ate from one of those random local taco trucks, the food was decent. After, we got boba and watched Avengers, which they both really liked (I already saw it prior and it was extremely difficult not to spoil).

6/14: After work, I headed to Riverside for Jackie’s party. Caught up with AJ and Royce at Tiff’s apartment (haven’t seen them in over a year and surprisingly it was still natural talking with them). Once we were at Jackie’s, holy shit it was so hot and musty. All these sweaty ass Asians cramped on one floor, half already gone, while the other half are in awkward cliques. After a few shots, an L in beer pong and some small talk with random drunks we left that sausage fest (thank god).

6/15: My first time at a company party, and I had a lot of fun. The event was much more organized than I expected. They had casino games, two djs and plenty of food/drinks. It was my first time gambling (although it was with fake money) and my luck was the best of the night. I drank about 5 shots and two cups of some mixed drink (personal record so far) and surprisingly I was still functional by the end of the night. I never really believed/understood the social aspect of drinking with your bosses, but this night proved to me that it is a very real thing. Overall the night was filled with many memories that I will cherish.

6/16: Lione’s show at The Union was on Saturday. To be honest, I only knew one of his songs, but Francis was super excited to see him and the tickets were only $13 (I’m guessing Ami was there for the same reason as me). We made our way to KTown for food and to kill time before the show. I told them we shouldn’t go on time because only losers go to events right on time (Shout out to Barry for teaching me that). We got boba at Tan-Cha and I must say their matcha was one of the highest quality I’ve ever had from a boba place. For some odd reason they were playing strictly Taylor Swift in the store even though majority of people in the store were fobs. I tried to make small talk with a cute worker at an ice cream store where we were getting dessert at. She was not having it LOL. Around 10:00 we made our way to the venue, struggled a bit, but got that free parking. The setting was very similar to Jackie’s party situation, a bunch of sweaty Asians, but this time in a dark room with loud EDM blasting. Although we only went for Lione, the opening acts were all really great. There is something so surreal about live performances, I felt so immersed in the music. I was DD so I bought rounds for Ami and Francis (an early graduation gift for them) because they were literally walking hours after the event. In attempt to get out of my comfort zone again, I asked a girl if she wanted to get closer to the stage (I really was trying to dance with her) but she declined it LOL. To make matters worse, some rude white bitch yelled at me to get away from her friend when I was asking her if she wanted to get past me. This bitch really thought I wanted her beanpole friend who was flailing around on the dance floor. Lione’s performance was really amazing, the energy of the crowd was unreal. We left the event with two new friends, who were nice enough to walk us all the way to our car. Francis was really into one of them (Nicole), too bad she has a bf. Once I got home, I had trouble going to sleep because I was overwhelmed with emotions from the whole experience. The whole day was a great time, I am really happy I decided on a whim to go.

6/17: Sunday was a necessary break from all the hectic events. All I did the whole day was hw and worked on my new business venture. I also reflected on how I could be a better person for myself, my family and friends/loved ones. The most productive day out of the last 6 for sure lol.

6/18: This was the most important day out of whole week of events. My bestie Barry was finally graduating after all the years (I’d like to believe Tiffany and I played a big role in convincing him to walk). I freed up my whole day in honor of his dumb ass. I couldn’t sleep the night before I’m not sure why. I was a little anxious about the ceremony because I thought I was going to be watching alone, but luckily Jenna spotted me and we all sat together. We all bonded through our jokes about Barry and the ceremony seemed to fly by. His family was super cute and supportive with their print outs of his many expressions. It was wholesome af! I was the first person to make it to Parkway Grill besides Barry’s family and I was awkwardly engaging in small talk with them. Despite the large party, lunch went smoothly. I didn’t feel out of place at all and we all shared food and laughs. But the celebration was far from over, our next location was at Barry’s family’s house. We played a few drinking games (some Chinese game that I still don’t understand and beer pong) before hopping into the pool to play volleyball. Huy and I won both games, even though they don’t want to admit. Sherry and the others started barbecuing while the rest of us proceeded to dry off. My second bestie, Tiffany, finally showed up and the legendary trio was at last complete! Around 7-8pm is where mistakes started to be made (lol *facepalm*). Succumbing to many opportunities of peer pressure I kept taking shots with everyone. I was feeling good and thought this time around I’d be okay because I ate before, but almost all at once the alcohol hit my system. By 10pm I was clearly drunk, flushed face, sloppy motor functions and touchiness. Thanks Sherry for letting me lay on you and keeping me warm (; (sorry Tiffany). Courtney and Mark dragged me off her and brought me inside to rest on the couch. The whole time I’m having an internal struggle between my body’s desire to vomit and my desire to keep it down. Eventually my body gave in and I threw up 4 times with most of it going into the bag (sorry once again Tiffany LOL). Immediately after my violent vomit session I felt much better, but I was still dazing in and out of consciousness. Many people were coming in to say bye (Sherry, Courtney, Mark, Brandon, Tiffany are the only ones I remember). Although I planned on driving home and going to work on Tuesday, I ended up crashing at Barry’s parent’s house in the guest room. Huge shoutout to Barry and his family for having unrivaled hospitality. That was my first time ever having to stay the night due to intoxication, it was lit as this generation would put it. To end this insanely long post, I want to extend my congratulations again to Barry and Tiffany for graduating. They’re my bbs and I always wish the best for them. Looking forward to more days/weeks/years with memories as sweet as these.

( ◠‿◠ )

[soft-slow-blue]

happy 2018! read below for some end-of-year thoughts, a lot of sappy btob love, and shoutouts.

2017 was a hard year, in more ways than one. it was certainly a very tough year, globally speaking, but it was also very hard for me personally. I moved back to my home country after over two years abroad. I started a new job in a new city. I ended a six-year friendship that had turned toxic. I poured too much of myself into my work, suffered several mental breakdowns because of it, and had to come to grips with the fact that, despite my best efforts to pretend otherwise, that I was not okay. I learned the hard way that refusing to seek help is not a sign of strength - it’s just another way that we continue to hurt ourselves.

outside of regular therapy, I coped by getting back into kpop. since college, kpop had been a way for me to escape when my problems become too much. watching these beautiful celebrities with their carefully manicured personalities allowed me to pretend everything was fine, even when it clearly was not. the fact that I was using these groups as a distraction from my real life meant, though, that I was not particularly attached to any of them. sure, I liked some groups for their musical talent and their humor, and I would support and applaud them in their endeavors, but I never felt the need to declare myself as a fan, or to talk to other people about them.

then, in mid-september, I encountered btob for the first time, and that all changed.

I didn’t find btob the way that I usually discover new groups. I didn’t click on one of their music videos or hear a song of theirs on spotify. instead, I came across them while watching monsta x-ray. at first, I was confused by their guest appearance. monsta x is already so loud and funny, I thought. what can this new group possibly teach them?

yeah. they proved me very wrong. and that was with only five out of seven members present.

after that, I was intrigued, and kept looking into the group. I watched a few music videos and enjoyed them, and giggled at their appearance on amigo tv (sungjae catching the gummy that was meant for ilhoon is still one of my favorite moments, hands down). but it wasn’t until I came across their appearance on “hello counselor” that I realized, this group is different.

I watched the episode avidly, charmed by peniel’s personality and the easy way that he joked with the hosts about his hair loss. I laughed, along with everyone else, as he exposed (?) eunkwang for calling him a football and a globe (sidebar: when will btob ever let eunkwang live?). then, as eunkwang, minhyuk, and hyunsik expressed their genuine concerns for peniel, I found myself tearing up a little bit, though I am usually not a crier. the level of care that they showed peniel, and the candidness with which they revealed the unseen challenges of the idol industry - it affected me very deeply. by the time that their segment was over, I knew that I was a goner.

(it was also the moment that minhyuk cemented himself as my bias, but that’s a story for another time).

this was the first time I wanted to support a group beyond just streaming their videos from time to time. this was the first time that a group motivated me to actually participate in the fandom. this was the first time that I pushed myself to connect with other fans, and made friends who also loved btob.

it has now been just over three months since I first got into btob. every day, I think that I could not possibly love them any more, and then they do something to prove me entirely wrong. I have never laughed more deeply with any other group, nor felt as fiercely proud and protective. their music reassures me that things will be alright when I cannot tell myself the same. the love that they show each other and their fans inspires me to offer the same to the important people in my life.

I will remember 2017 as a year of challenges. but I will also remember 2017 as the year that I fell in love with btob, and for that, I am incredibly grateful. thank you, for continuing to make the music that you care about, for giving so much love to your fans, for being a close and affectionate family. you surprise me daily with your talents, your humor, and your willingness to just be your strange, wonderful, lovable selves. I have learned so much from watching you. you make me want to be a kinder person, to reach out to people, to celebrate the things that we love.

you have done so, so well this year. I am so proud of all of you, and wish you nothing but the greatest happiness and success. see you in the new year.

and finally, thank you also to everyone on tumblr who has made my experience in the fandom wonderful.

shoutout to @kwangie for putting up with my awkward first forays into tumblr messaging and introducing me to btob’s excellent japanese discography. @ddonggeun, thanks for responding to my weird asks and sharing my (poor) sense of humor ^^ at least we can forever agree that hyunsik...could be making better fashion choices. @softki you are super super kind and caring and your posts about kihyun (aka my monsta x bias) always make me smile! @irishthanhy we haven’t talked much, but I really appreciated you reaching out to me and telling me where to find subbed episodes of “unexpected heroes”! I hope all these minhyuk gifs continue to brighten your day~ @sungjaesgf you are the sweetest spreader of btob love ever, and I always enjoy talking with you! I don’t know how you managed to tell that I have an intimidating stare (confirmed by irl friend) by simply chatting with me, but I guess sungjae isn’t the only psychic out there, hehe. @eunk1 seeing your messages always makes me happy when you have time to drop by tumblr, and you always say the most lovely and caring things! @riversonfire, my fellow minhyuk lover and pretzel sister, I love our long convos about btob, suju, and just about everything else.

further shoutouts to mutuals (apologies if I missed anyone - please let me know if I did!): @hyunsiks-eyesmile @squirrel-minhyuk @withyook @lovebtob @meloversee I am a grandma when it comes to tumblr and I often forget to press “like” (it’s nothing personal - I also fail to do this on instagram all the time), but I love and appreciate all of you so much.

and thank you to everyone for 300 followers!! I never thought I’d get this far when I started this blog about a month ago. please feel free to message me anytime, and I hope I can continue to make content that makes your day just a little bit brighter. 

[maryofone]

Role Models

I’ve talked a lot about the guys I’ve loved on TV growing up but I’d like to give a shoutout to some of the girls too. Those girls I wanted to be exactly like when I grew up. They make a pretty solid list and they’re pretty much all from the 90′s.

Cher Horowitz. Not Alicia Silverstone, but Alicia as Cher. She was my fucking idol when I was 12. I just remember being so obsessed with her hair. It was so long and soft and perfect, and at 12 my look was all kinds of busted and I honestly thought it was humanly impossible for me to ever have hair as beautiful as Cher’s. But it wasn’t just the hair. She also got attention from all the boys and seemed perfectly aware of it and oblivious to it, all at once. And even though she was popular, she was super kind and well-meaning. I loved her and that movie so much I’ll probably watch it on my death bed.

Christina Ricci. The 90’s gave me two reasons to love her: Now & Then and The Addams Family. I was just beginning to carve out the chip on my shoulder when I was around 12, so of course I loved Wednesday. Sullen, morbid pre-teen who never smiles? What’s not to love? It’s also why I loved Dawn from Welcome To The Dollhouse and Enid from Ghost World. Pretty much any girl with resting bitch-face had my heart in the 90’s. But back to Ricci, I mostly idolized her in Now & Then. She played the tomboy who taped her growing tits down and never wanted to talk about feelings because she was quietly grieving the death of her mother. She was so tough and cool and complicated, and got to kiss Devon Sawa, so she just won all the points with me. I desperately hoped that my girlfriends saw me as the Roberta of our group. Only I wasn’t nearly as cool or complicated and I never would have taped my tits down.

Fairuza Bulk. My idolization of dark and misunderstood girls reached its peak with my love for Nancy from The Craft. I think most girls my age would agree that she was the coolest fucking thing we’d ever seen. She just happened to be a total wackjob. Even the fact that she was a wackjob was cool. The movie literally ends with her strapped to a bed in a mental institution and I still thought oh my god she’s the coolest.

Britney Spears. Admittedly I only idolized her because she was so fucking perfect-looking at the height of her career, and my obsessive quest to be considered attractive by boys had her on a pedestal. Honest to god one of the reasons I started going to the gym was because a friend once told me that I - while a few pounds overweight at the time - could have a body like Britney if I wanted.

“I’m too skinny to have a body like Britney’s,” she said. “Even if I worked out every day I would end up looking like Nelly Furtado, at best.” 

Not only was this assessment hilarious to me, it was also highly motivating. Britney also came along when I was just discovering my own sexuality as a woman. I was light years away from being as sexy as her but she was certainly an inspiration. Then after years of loving her solely for her sexiness, she had a mental breakdown and shaved her head in front of the world and that’s when I really fell in love with her.

Rizzo. The bad girl to end all bad girls. I remember first watching Grease and not understanding why Danny and Sandy were the lead characters. Rizzo and Kenickie were EVERYTHING. They were so badass, having unprotected sex in the back of his car; and she was so badass, skipping class and taking that terrifyingly greasy drag-racer guy to the dance. She was so fucking hot and so painfully cool and honestly I still want to be Rizzo when I grow up.

Valerie from Beverly Hills 90210. I think I’ve already touched on her unfortunately significant influence on me as a teenager, but it bears repeating here. That shady, law-breaking, boyfriend-stealing smokeshow could NOT have come at a worse time in my impressionable adolescence. I wanted to be exactly like Valerie and arguably I got my wish. No regrets but damn. Life is not like Beverly Hills 90210, and girls who are like Valerie in real life are not cool at ALL.

Lydia from Beetlejuice. My favourite Winona Rider character. Not only was she dark and misunderstood, with the coolest gothic hairstyle I’d ever seen, but she had one person who understood her. Is it weird to say that the connection between adolescent Lydia and undead grown adult Beetlejuice gave me hope for my misunderstood heart to find love? I know they were never in love, but I always kind of wished they were. How can you not love someone when they’re the only person in the world who understands you? Where’s MY Beetlejuice?

So yeah, it’s interesting to write all of these role models out. Evidently I idolized a lot of bad girls who had a kind of base-level resentment towards all of existence; and then some impossibly attractive girls. What do all of these role models tell me about myself? Probably nothing. Except I have a lot of fuckin movies to watch today.

[hopewritteninthestars]

When the Reylo Awakened

Okay as we get closer to TLJ I’ve felt on a roll post wise. The hype is real. Anyway I’ve been feeling nostalgic about TFA and where it all began and thought I’d share how I fell into the Reylo fandom. First I’ll povide a bit of a breakdown before the movie even hit. When I first saw the trailer in summer of 2015 I had been already keeping light tabs on it. It was exciting but I was nervous for what a new trilogy would bring to the table. I had grown up a Star Wars fan and it was actually Adam Driver who really sold the new trilogy for me initially. Besides the original characters Adam was the only new actor I knew going in. I watched Girls and had become a big fan of his I can even remember the first Star Wars rumblings back when I bought GQ’s September 2014 cover to read Adam’s interview. When summer 2015 came I was in one of the darkest periods of my life. My mom had passed away the previous spring and after previously losing my father when I was younger I was alone at 19. I was staying with my grandparents which was a toxic environment and emotionally abusive. I can still remember watching that first trailer in their wreak room in the middle of the night. It was so intriguing and made me feel so excited especially after the shot of Han and Chewie. Flashforward to December 2015. During those months in between I had made quite a few transitions in my life but despite getting out of a toxic living arrangement I wasn’t quite happy. I remember sitting in a restaurant with a cousin we had been Christmas shopping. I remember the cherry red blazer and the Santa brooch I wore, I remember the tube of red lipstick I was wearing. I was browsing my phone and realized it was the exact day of the TFA premiere; the first reactions coming in were quite ecstatic and it seemed to be a hit. I was intrigued once again and went home and couldn’t quite help but dive in to it all despite not having seen it yet. I spent some time reading all the media reports but being spoiler hungry I wanted a good fix and went to Tumblr’s search page. After delving in I soon came across Reylo for the first time in its mere infancy. I then watched my first fan video on YouTube and actually seeing footage I officially began to set sail on this ship. That video I remember was set to Another Love by Tom Odell, I can’t find that original video anymore and I can’t remember the original creator but whoever you are thank you because I remember it was beautiful and was when I first truly fell in love with Reylo. Also a shoutout to a video by a YouTube user by the name of “inspired-destiny” their video of Rey and Kylo called “Don’t be Afraid, I Feel it Too” was also part of my first foray into Reylo. Then I finally got to see TFA for myself and was so happy to escape back into the Star Wars world at a time when I really needed it. I soon felt connected to these characters for personal reasons. I to had felt alone especially after losing my mother that spring beforehand who had been my closest friend. I had no siblings and besides a few distant relatives I no longer felt as if I had a family all my own. I was insecure and very lonely and these two characters in particular helped me a lot. So excuse this mushy and sentimental post getting all nostalgic over TFA and Reylo but it’s been a fabulous two years as part of this ship. Shoutout to my fellow Reylos you are all awesome and I’m so excited to start this second chapter.

[biggy-habes]

So another year came to an end. But not just the end of a year, but the end of the decade! The '10s have come to an end. With the end of every year there is always a reflection. What happened? What was great? What really sucked? What could I have done differently? What do I hope for in the new year? Well, this was not just a single year but an entire decade to process! In the past 10 years I have lived in 3 different states. I've worked 4 different jobs. And like a typical drifter, I am a bit private with my past. I seem to just appear at a new job in a new state every couple of years and apart from some lingering drama I seem to have an undisclosed past. There are many of you who did not know me before I came to North Carolina. There are quite a few of you who did not know me before I was in recovery. And only a few of you who knew me before I lived in New York (the first time). I have lived several lives and have displayed countless shades of personality. Well, here is your chance to catch a glimpse of what my life has been like. Well, for these past 10 years anyways. The ups, the downs, the shitty heartaches, and the bitchin' experiences. A lot has happened and my memory is absolutely horrible, so I will recruit the assistance of my timeline on The Facebook and a few Spotify playlists. I have added a few songs to give a soundtrack as you are reading. I carefully selected these to be specific to the time period as well as where I was during that era. So now, here is a walk down memory lane. The Tens of Haber.

I welcomed 2010 in at a 12 Step Recovery function in Lawton, Oklahoma. I had recently moved back to Lawton after spending a year working in Washington, DC. You see, I had grown roots while stationed in Oklahoma during my time in the service. Life apparently felt like that I needed a second tour, but this time as a civilian. I had carried a lot of emotional baggage with me from my year living in Maryland, and I believed that running and starting a new life was the best course of action. When I returned to Lawton I was losing my mind. I was straight off my rocker! I was at the height of one of my worst mental breakdowns. I recently moved back to Lawton, Oklahoma. By choice. From Maryland. Yeah. See the previous statement. Anyways,  I was waist deep in 12 step programs and played a very active role in my local Narcotics Anonymous group. But one thing that I had always had was a weakness for women. I would fall hard for girls that I had no business being with. At this particular time I was messing around with girls from the local halfway house. And I was getting the results that you may expect. I had fallen hard for a girl named "Lori" (no need to drag her real name into this), who I allowed to tear into my life and my heart like a goddamn tornado! She had recently started coming to meetings after ending up how most addicts end up in the rooms. The courts. She was what you would refer to as "adorable". Short dark hair that seemed to reflect light with its shine. She had deep, sultry blue eyes with long, fluttering eyelashes. When she started to show attention to me I was immediately became hooked. When things came crashing down and my heart got crushed I started sliding down the slippery slope of sanity. Fortunately I had an amazing friend, Nicole, who lived in Oklahoma City. Nicole is one of the most enjoyable people that I have had in my life. We briefly dated and she has played an incredibly important role in my story!  I have so many wonderful stories and experiences involving us. Stories that I will save for another post.

 Anyways, Nicole and I share the same birthday, and we both love to go big so we both took a trip to Boston to celebrate my 31st birthday. As it turns out the Yankees were in town so I fulfilled a lifelong dream of watching the Sox and Yankees play in Fenway Park! We got lost in downtown Boston and had to find our way back to our hotel using public transportation in the middle of the night. Nicole, who has lived in Oklahoma all of her life, got to get a wonderful glimpse of the not-so-nice parts of South Boston. It was a great birthday weekend for the both of us.

 I got back from our trip with a clear head and I decided to get my ass back in school. I remained active in my NA group (shoutout to Different Way in Lawton, OK! That place was my home for a long time!)  I may appear salty sometimes when speaking of my time in NA, but recovery mad a lot of positive changes in my life. One of those changes was gracing me with the motivation to complete my Bachelor's Degree. My apartment was an 8 minute ride away from the local university (Cameron University…GO PIONEERS, BITCHES!!!). I was able to focus my energy on studying. I have always had a knack for school, and I really enjoyed studying psychology and sociology so I was easily able to focus on my schoolwork. I was working a side job as a per diem psychometrist for a neuropsychologist named Dr. Hamil. I have so much credit to give to him for taking me on as a mentor. He saw something special in me. He saw talent. And I was happy to work for him whenever he needed me to. I was taking a lot of trips to Oklahoma City for testing assignments in assisted living facilities. And to be honest I was making a decent amount of scratch doing it. Now my full time job was working with the trainees going through Fort Sill that were having a difficult time adjusting to military life. On slow days I would have plenty of opportunity to work on the testing data that I had collected over the weekend. One day while scoring testing paperwork that I had sprawled all over my desk there was a knock on my office door. It was the chief of the clinic giving a potential psych tech the grand tour.  "Mr. Haber, I would like you to meet one of the interviews for the tech position." She was slim and stylish, with long, dark hair and a smile that seemed to radiate comfort. And that was the first time I laid my eyes on the woman who I would eventually ask to be my wife. She extended her warm, slender hand. "Hello! I'm Amanda."

Our first encounter was short and sweet. And to be honest, it really did not leave much of an impact. A few months would pass before I would learn that she was hired. So this would be the first time that Amanda would actually enter into my life. By the time she was hired I was back working at the main behavioral health clinic on Fort Sill. I shared an office with several other psych techs. At any one time there could be 8 or more of us fighting over a computer. I walked into the clinic and was told a crop of newbies had started. I went in to introduce myself. And there she was. I reintroduced myself and blushed a little when she told me that she remembered me from our first encounter. We commenced with the getting-to-know-you chit chat. As the weeks went on we talked more and more, and flirting began. She knew about my side job in the city and asked if she could sit in on a session with me to learn more about what I do. So one night after work her and I drove to OKC for a 4 hour testing session with an ADHD child who was bouncing all over the room. Afterwards we stopped at McDonalds on our way back to Lawton and shared a 20 piece Chicken McNugget (because yo boy Haber is classy!). I would later find out that she had no interest in learning about psychometry. She just wanted a reason to spend time with me. Anyways, while driving back I mentioned that MC Hammer was going to be at the Oklahoma State Fair and if she would like to go. And that, my friends, is how my relationship with Amanda began. At an MC Hammer concert! In TRUE Haber form!

Eventually Amanda and I started dating. And it was incredible! She was a great woman. And she was great for me. When we had met I was going through a lot of internal strife, and being with her was calming me down. That November, after discussing the idea with Amanda (and after we got back together following a HUGE argument and eventual "break") we decided to adopt a pup. I went to the pound on Fort Sill. I walked down the row of cages and looked at every one of the hopeful pups. I stopped at this scrawny auburn-colored little shit who was barking as loud as he could as he put on his meanest look. But there was something in his eyes that told me that he has been in some shit and he was just needing someone to love him. I could relate to that. I asked the Poundtender (I'm really not sure what the manager of a pound would be referred to as, so we will go with this) about him and he told me that he was surrendered by an elderly couple for being too aggressive. I asked if I could take him for a walk in the yard. I sat on the grass and reached out my hand and he timidly came over to me, not certain whether to trust me or not. This was all it took for me. On November 8, 2010, I took Fennie into my home and into my life. Which means that it has been him and I for an entire decade!  Women and jobs would come and go, but he has remained by my side through all of it. He truly is my Ryde or Die!

The winter this year was unusually harsh in Oklahoma. It seemed as if at least once a week work was closed due to ice and snow. I was living in a shitty 1 BR apartment on the borders of the Lawton hood and the heat just was not capable of handling the cold temperatures for so long. There were several days where Amanda, Fennie, and I would just huddle around the fireplace and turn the oven on to keep us warm. December rolled around, and we were still in the still-kinda-dating-but-not-sure-where-this-is-going phase so I chose to spend Christmas with my family. My sister had been living in Georgia at the time and my mother had recently moved up there as well. Two days before to make the long drive to Atlanta I received a call from an old friend Jake. Jake and I had worked together at a treatment center in Tampa. He informed me that a mutual friend of ours, Emilio, was reported missing. Emilio was a gentle soul who, like most of us that got deep in the drug lifestyle, had his share of demons. But he was a kind and fair man who had a heart that was filled with love for others. He was a new daddy and one night he just vanished. While walking into Moe's to have dinner with my family Jake called to let me know that Emilio's body had been found. I will never forget that Christmas. I sat in front of my loaded burrito with a dazed feeling all over my body. Emilio was a remarkable human being, and the world lost a great man the day that he was taken from us.  

2011 began with Amanda and I…well…shit was getting kinda real.  

Amanda and I ended up making the decision that I would move into her apartment. The reasoning that she gave was that it would be more economical, but I am sure that her being afraid of staying at my shitty apartment played a major role.  Around this time I also started getting an itch to do something more with myself. I was one year away from completing my Bachelors degree and I was starting to question what I was going to do with myself now that I had no schoolwork to complete or classes to attend. This was when the idea came to me….BAM! I am going to become Dr. Haber! So this was when I made the decision to pursue my PhD in Psychology.  If I had only known how much of an uphill climb the next 3 years would be on me because of this decision, perhaps I would have reconsidered. I developed a plan of action. I would boost my vita with extracurricular positions and accolades. I was asked to join the psychology honor society and attend the Psychology Club meetings. I worked with an outstanding neuropsychologist and mentor named Dr. Jason Albano, who pushed me to be the best PhD candidate that I could possibly be. I would spend hours in his office just asking for direction and recommendations. He suggested that I take the Psychometrist Certification exam, the gold standard in the field of psychometry. Dr. Albano would help me find time to study and my colleagues were an invaluable resources.

I will get more into the certification exam. But first, I am aware that I dropped a bit of a twist earlier with the Starting Attending Mass Again comment. As you could probably deduct from my postings on The Facebook that this just ain't me! Well, let me tell you about my Catholic Jon phase. Gowing up I attending Mass every Sunday with my grandfather. This was mostly due to the fact that he would buy me McDonalds afterwards. I never really had a strong belief in a god. Even as a kid I remember reading my CCD workbook and would think "Hey, wait a second. Something does not add up."  It was once I got sent to rehab that I slowly started to build a belief in a higher power. We would get taken to 12 Step meetings and I would hear everyone talk about how you can't make it in recovery without a Higher Power. So, I guess I better get one of those! So I would work with my sponsor and talk about it at meetings and eventually I had some sort of Higher Power of my own. It hit all of the qualifications that they told me. It was loving. It was forgiving. It was greater than me. Cool cool cool. Let's go full speed ahead with this whole recovery thing. It wasn’t until I started seeing a girl named Jill in Oklahoma that I was able to call it by the name God. I would attend church with her and one day I decided to go up and get "saved". And ever since then I started learning more about Christianity and my idea of God would change as I grew. I started going back to Mass after encouragement from a friend who was heavily into the Catholic Life. One thing about me is that I latch onto something and go deep into whatever that might be. Catholicism was no different. Before too long I was absorbing anything involving Catholic Dogma that I could get my hands on. Every night I would pray the Rosary. During Lent I would practice self-mortification. When Amanda and I started she started attending Mass with me and it became a fairly strong bond in our relationship. She was accepting of my zeal towards my beliefs at the time and would support me however she could. This was something that I would eventually take for granted, and what would be a major factor in the demise of our relationship.

And that is where I will end this chapter. I will get further into all of the changes that 2011 would bring. I will label this period the "Amanda Era".

Now I will say that there was a lot of heartache involved in the ending of our relationship. However, I will only write about her in a positive light. She played a very important role in my story, and there were so many great memories in my story that involved her. At this point time has faded most of the hurtful memories and the good ones are what remained. So stayed tuned for the next chapter where we will tag along with Amanda and Jon on their journeys around the country.

[stephaniejuhnay]

Prince On Every Tour: Sign O’ The Times

Good morning children.  Jk, it’s not morning. It is very much night, but I’m currently jamming to The Dance Electric as I type this and I love the way he says that. ANYWAY. It has been quite some time since the last POET post. We last visited Parade Prince which was a TIME. It was the culmination of what felt like at least 2 or 3 months of being very much swept up in that era. But now we’re here. To my favorite album. Favorite rehearsal show. Second or third favorite era because he and Parade Prince consistently fight. There is no circulating tour footage outside of clips which is A CRIME AGAINST PRINCE-MANITY, but I have hope that we will get at least one concert from this tour. Just like we’ll get Second Coming. We’re gonna get these things guise. We will. Anyway, while in Detroit, my mom and I watched SOTT so I may throw a bit of that in, but I just finished Valium, which will be the focus. So, without further ado... 

SIGN O’ THE TIMES. FIRST AVENUE.  MARCH 21, 1987. LET’S GET INTO IT.

Overview: Welp. It’s happened. That thing that we all knew was gonna happen. That thing that probably hurt a few folks hearts. I know it hurt mine. Prince gave up the signature Parade slickback. Just as we were getting used to it. The 1999 curls that I LIVE for were stolen, and he lulled me into a false sense of security when I finally accepted the short, suave ‘do. But in true Prince fashion, he swapped it out for something JUST as fabulous: another set of wonderful curls with just enough to put into the world’s most unnecessary ponytail and what @the-beautiful-1 refers to as the fishing tackle braid. It’s all very glorious. He’s ditched suits for the most part for crop tops with matching pants and jumpsuits with ridiculous cutouts that would get any normal man sideeyed to death, but gets Prince these draws praise and adoration for the slayage.  Valium starts with something everyone needs: Prince in a polka dot suit with a pair of glasses (which I would very much like to have for myself) looking like an entire Thanksgiving feast. He talks to the crowd, lets us know this show is basically a rehearsal we’ve been invited to. We don’t care. We know it’s going to be fantastic. Especially because of the getting got that will take place afterwards when you see him in the final number outfit. For my peace of mind, this person I’ve created in this series through which any of us can live gets got and lives the dream forever. Amen. Moving forward.  We are joked with a bit, introduced to his new friends, some old friends, and my favorite friend: the polka dot suit. He also reminds us that if we don’t know who he is we MUST be on some type of drug. Daddy.  Where the concert film opens up with a wonderful rendition of the titular song, Valium wastes no time in the edge-snatching and gets right into Housequake. How jarring it must have been for the still screaming crowd to hear “SHUT UP ALREADY, DAMN,” not knowing that it was the beginning of a song that would incite some of the hardest dancing of their life. He probably thought it was hilarious. Daddy.

This setlist is short, but sweet. We get some (then) upcoming SOTT album stuff, but a couple old gems with Girls & Boys and Kiss. The show is just over an hour and it does not let up at all, even when Prince disappears and let’s his band get some shine. Which brings me to my next point. This band. Now, I love The Revolution just as much as the next opera bloused, curly haired, fake moled 80′s enthusiast with lace gloves on, and am fully aware that much of SOTT was tracked with them. However, I cannot imagine this music being played by them. Not in it’s final form. The SOTT band is a band full of insanely talented musicians, and they executed a sound that was absolutely incredible and sounded a lot more....idk mature? Polished?  I can’t put my finger on it. Not to take anything at all away from The Revolution because they too were insanely talented. The SOTT band just offered an element that the previous band couldn’t. If they could, Prince would’ve kept them around. He was exploring new sounds, therefore needed new inspiration. It’s why we love him. During the band’s solo’s, there wasn’t a single person that I wasn’t completely in awe of. Levi and his crazy bass solo was funky and in the pocket, Fink sounds the best he’s ever sounded on the keys, Atlanta Bliss and his God-awful ponytail are still puttin’ it down on the horn, my man Sith Leeds (soon to be) is KILLIN’ that sax, and Sheila. Miss. Sheila. What a legend on the drums. Miko is a wonderful guitarist, which we learned on the last tour, and Boni has some PIPES you hear me? And of course, I cannot forget about Cat. Technically the first REAL dancer to join the band, Cat brought an energy to the gang that really rounded out these shows for me. She put her ALL into those dances, and she even forced boyfriend to step up his moves imo. I would argue that this tour is the most he’s danced so far, and it’s absolutely delightful. Honestly, what is better than any dance he does during Hot Thing on the concert film? Precisely. Nothing. Thanks for agreeing. We also get the fantastic dancing during Housequake in both shows, and Beautiful Night on the concert film that warrants mentioning. 

Favorite Number:  This is the easiest pick of all the tours, however, let’s start with some honorable mentions.

Housequake: It’s a funky groove that you cannot escape. Be prepared to dance to it for the rest of your life no matter how many times you’ve heard it within a 5 day span. You’ll be fine, trust me. This number was a fave of mine in both shows.

Slow Love: First, it’s Slow Love. Second, during both shows it’s one of my top vocal performances. I love it when he sangs ya’ll. Third, shirt rip on the “shut the door, baby” during Valium. He also ripped his shirt a bit after that same line in the concert film. Never change, boyfriend. 

Hot Thing: CUTOUTS. “COM’ERE BAAAAYBY, I WANNA TALK TO YA.” CUTOUTS. FACE DURING ORGAN PLAYING AT THE OPENING OF THE NUMBER. CUTOUTS.

Forever In My Life: The breakdown during both shows is funky as all get out. Another song on which he was SANGIN’, especially on the concert film. The “I gotta tell ya” screech? How do you not throw it back after that? Like....

Favorite of all though: Strange Relationship. Hands. Down. Disappointingly not in the concert film, this 12min funk marathon is rivaled by none, other than the very same song from the rehearsal boot. Maybe. I say maybe only because this version includes the simplest but greatest chord progression before he let’s Boni do her thing (Whatchya sayin’ Boni?!) for a little bit that I rewound a good 35 times when I first saw this show. Idk what it is, but it’s just right in the pocket and it gets me every single time. I love the little stuff like that. We also get the playful fake radio station with DJ Prince shoutout, and the always welcome Squirrel Meat groove. It’s the obvious winner. Even boyfriend knew it was too funky. 

Favorite Outfit: WELL. SOTT is ripe with wonderful outfits. I’m even okay with the egregiously large-shouldered leather jacket that opened the concert film. I hope he burned it though. Or at least de-shouldered it.  I’m a huge, HUGE fan of Prince in suits, especially polka dot suits as you will hear PLENTY of in the next POET post. And the Valium polka dot suit is a doozy. As is the crop top in that shade of blue that makes him look absolutely STUNNING in the final number during Valium. Hang it in a museum. Please. It wins as favorite outfit from Valium.

I also am a huge fan of the tasselled white number he’s in during Beautiful Night in the concert film. And the Orange cutouts he graced us with during I Could Never. And his adorably fine self in the black cutouts with the hat during Forever In My Life/It. However, Hot Thing cut out wins the concert film war. Because....I mean...like....

Still Would Rating: SOTT Prince fights for second place with Parade Prince constantly. It’s a fight I do not mind at all. Swoop me, the both of you. 

Overall Rating: Overall, both of these are absolutely amazing shows. Well, one is an amazing show, one is a concert film made UP of what I am sure are amazing shows (audio) strung together with one heck of a visual performance that sure did fool me for years and years. Could’ve been a tour filmed for all I knew. Valium is a rehearsal that might as well have been an official tour show if you ask me. Even without the full production of the official tour, that show for 1600 people at First Avenue holds up to any of the other previous shows. Whether in a small club or a stadium, boyfriend slayed regardless. Daddy.

PREVIOUSLY, PARADE                                          NEXT UP, LOVESEXY