#sir walter roderick kensington

[parf-fan]

(Screenshot from my 2017 Halloweekend Chess video)

[parf-fan]

Yah this is gonna be badly written but I literally do not have time to write it well.

I'm gonna talk about Sir Walter.  Maybe no one was wondering how in the year 1560+, Sir Walter could still be alive and young as he was in 1518-1520.  But mayhap some of you were. And for those hypotheticals among you who maybe were, I present several options.

The first is that which I deem most canon compliant, and I do to bring receipts.  In autumn of 1518, Sir Walter got engaged to a faerie monarch.  This moment can be seen in Renaissance Road Trip's video here, from about 0:40-1:50, with further reference made at 4:06-4:33.

Though this moment was never repeated at future Finales, a relationship between the two was implied in Rumple's famous Sank Zee speech, as can be seen in PARF Performers's video here, at 27:31 – 28:11.  

A relationship was further alluded to in the Halloween II Finale of 2018, as can be seen in PARF Performers's video here, at 45:27 – 45:46.

Sadly, the most overwhelming moments to support the canonicy of Walterstiltskin were never recorded that I know of, for it was through interaction with Alex as Sir Walter.  At any time in the 2018 season, one could (and my friends and I often did) interact with Sir Walter at length regarding his marriage to Rumpelstiltskin.  It was through such interaction that I learned that Sir Walter canonically split his time between the fae Realm of the Black Forest and the mortal Realm of Mount Hope.

Now, I don't know how familiar you all are with faerie folklore, and it's true that – as with all folklore – there is variation throughout the lore, but it's generally pretty consistent that humans in the fae Realm don't age, particularly when acting as spouse or consort to a faerie.  So it's probable that, at least so long as he is in the fae Realm, Sir Walter does not age. Whether or not he continues aging when in the mortal Realm is up to individual interpretation.  My headcanon so far has been that he does continue to age when in the mortal Realm, and began phasing himself out of the mortal Realm around the time that his peers begin aging and dying off, eventually settling permanently full time in the fae Realm.  This season may change that headcanon, or at least introduce other options, we shall see.  Regardless, there's plenty of canon-sound fae-based explanation for Sir Walter to still be alive and young in the year 1560+.

"But PARF-fan!", I hear you cry.  "Sir Walter canonically died of a heart-attack!  They said as much in the in memorum section of 1558's DisasterCon!" (as can be seen in PARF Performers's video here at 34:05 – 37:19).  And you're correct!  Howe'er, I call your attention to the weekend of DisasterCon: Time-Travelers' Weekend.  Chronology is relative on that weekend.  While I do not deny the fact that Sir Walter eventually dies, that information could have come to them from anywhen, particularly the future.  The distant future.  Given on Time-Travelers' Weekend, this knowledge nullifies nothing.

There are yet some other options, which I run through now.  First, for all we currently know, this could be a descendant of the original Sir Walter, much as I'm theorizing that this season's Diggory Applebottom is a descendant of 2017's Diggory Applebottom.  There is precedent here in the characters of Olivia Charnwood and Yeoman Adam Cringer, both of whom were described in their 2019 character descriptions as the respective grandchildren of the 2018 characters of the same names.

Second, I would be remiss to not call attention to this most excellent theory put forth in the Facebook comments of my character name post by Katie Markey, all hail: “I hear that stress creates minor amounts of electricity. This makes perfect sense, you see, because Sir Walter Rodrick Kensington was an adult in 1518, and has not aged since. It is my theory that the man has promptly had 500 heart attacks only to be brought back with the sheer electric shock of his own stress, and is therefore immortal. I am not taking criticism at this time.”

The lack of ~realism~ of that theory brings me to my final point.  There doesn't have to be an explanation!  Hell, the Lady Mayor hath been here from Elizabethan to Catherinian-Henrecian to Elizabethan again, through several universes and versions of events.  So too have Rip Skeleton and, until recently, Lanky Hemptwister.  We don't need a why in order for it to be believable, any more than we need an explanation as to why a scullerymaid or a painter is a skilled fighter, or why nobody (except Hans) cares a whit that there are actual pyrates running around.  I make it my business to determine the whys of some of these things (not all of them), because I fckn love consistency and continuity, and enjoy fitting all things into a cohesive universe.  But my interpretation of the Faire is not universal, nor would I have it be so.

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

Alex Stompoly's typecast is monsterfucker send tweet

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

Someday, some fairy is going to show up at Mount Hope on a festival day and try to fuck things up and Sir Walter is going to be like no.  Absolutely not. No, I don't give a fuck what sort of power you wield. You are getting the fuck out of my village and away from my festival, right. fucking. now. I will physically yeet you out of here if I have to, and yes I'm scrawny and I will do it anyway.

And the human monarch(s) will be like, oh, well we should be as welcoming as we can, we're trying to be peaceful in general and also the fairy is clearly powerful so we don't wanna make them too mad too quick.

And Sir Walter will be like, your Majesty, no. I will not have this, the fairy is leaving right fucking now, and I don't give a flying fuck what either you or they think about it. And he just marches the fairy out of there before they even get a chance to fuck things up, and the fairy is too shocked to do anything about it because this? doesn't? happen?

Either that or Walter says the fairy can stay if they don't try any funny business, and the second the fairy starts trying to fuck things up, Sir Walter practically materialized by their side and does, in fact, physically yeet them clear out of the whole shire.

[parf-fan]

(Have a look at Andrew Lesny’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

Self-care is spending the whole day in a panic-attack and dying at a joust before getting engaged to the fae king who caused it all.

[parf-fan]

(Screenshot from wavking’s Duchess Sussex Memorial Peasant Shoot video.)

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

[parf-fan]

Something I wish to God they would do pre-Chess

Sir Walter: Please, God, just let me have one good day?

Soundbooth person over the mic: Oh my god, you again? Give it a rest, buddy.

[parf-fan]

(Check out Michael Ulrich’s photography!)

(Lettering by the incomparable Shitpost Calligrapher, whom everybody should go commission.)

[parf-fan]

(Have a look at Andrew Lesny’s photography!)