#six of crows x y/n

[writing-havoc]

Hey! How're you? I hope you're well.

I absolutely adore your works and I hope it's okay to make a request? It's just a little idea I had, sort of inspired by your latest fic :)

Where the reader is a part of the crows and one night she finds this small child outside the club and she feels really sorry for them and brings them into the club and tries to help them? Maybe with a bit of Kaz x reader? Whatever you feel inspired to write to be honest :D

I hope this is okay, I love your works so much! 💖💞

Enough

♡ Summary: You do your best to care for a little boy you found while Kaz cools down

♡ Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader

♡ Fandom: Six of Crows, Grishaverse

♡ Warning(s): Hunger, Child Abandonment, says Yn twice

♡ WC: 4.6k

I could have sworn there was a mention of like, a café by name in the books somewhere but I couldn't find it? I just made one up but man this is gonna drive me crazy lol

Anyway, here you go! I hope it is to your liking and tysm for the request and kind words <3 so glad my fic could inspire!

Please excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes

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Finding a child in an alleyway was not something you expected to tick off your bingo card so soon. Taking the child with you to the Crow Club with plans to look after him wasn't even on the card. And yet, here you are.

He's small, top of his head barely reaching your belly button, and his hands are freezing from where they hold onto your own.

You had found him not twenty minutes ago, and planned to just leave him there like any sensible person. But unfortunately, you're not as good at turning your moral compass upside down like everyone else.

So you got his attention, approaching his little shelter and offering him the last slice of bread you had swiped from someone's open kitchen window. He was hesitant to reach for it, hands slowly edging toward you as if you'd rip it away any moment, and with a certain gentleness took the piece from your hand and began to nibble on it.

His clothes were dirty, dipped in whatever dirt the Barrel has rubbed off on him and drenched through to the bone. Things were coming apart at the seams and the soles of his shoes you can tell were about to separate from the rest.

You had asked him where his parents are, and your heart immediately sunk when he looked away and towards the canal, his tiny nibbling seizing.

That was what snapped the little string you had holding you back, the other side tied to your sense of reasoning.

He's just a kid. You were just a kid once. Arguably still are. You'll be damned if you had to watch someone who was no older than 7 go through the same fate you did.

But your sentiments were short lived, starting and ending with you, as the moment you stepped through the doors of the Crow Club with the kid clutching your hand, Kaz was narrowing his eyes and his teeth were gritting.

You glared at Dreg members around you, daring them to stop you as you made your way to the back of the club where all the alcohol is stored. Nina and Jesper were setting up chairs, and you gave them a blank look as you entered the room, the sound of metal thumping rhythmically following.

"Yn." A rough gravelly voice calls behind you.

You ignore it, looking at the kid. "Is it alright if I lift you up? Just to here, hun."

In the softest voice you ever heard, the kid says "Yeah." and allows you to put your hands under his arms and lift him onto a crate.

"Yn," Kaz calls again, making your blood simmer.

There's really nothing you can do here. The Club is going to open in a few moments for the five o' clock rush and there's not any spare clothes. You'll have to wait until you can go to the market later to fetch him some clothes and bathe him at the Slat.

The ferrule of a cane drags across the floor, and you roll your eyes.

"Give me a moment, okay?" You say to the kid, waiting for him to nod before turning around, exiting into the main bar area.

"Are you mad?" He hisses at you, hand gripping his cane so hard you can see it shake. "What could have possibly made you think bringing a child here would be a good idea?"

His anger isn't too surprising. But if you're being honest, it's annoying.

"I was thinking that he has nowhere to go." You say, voice low as you walk away from the door a little more. Kaz follows you, eyebrows still snapped together and a hardness to his jaw you don't think you've ever seen directed at you. "He was outside and shivering inside a make-shift shelter made out of fruit crates and a tattered towel. He needs a place to stay."

"I don't care what it needs. It has no place here." His eyes flicker to the kid.

You cross your arms, anger bubbling in your chest. "He is not going anywhere. He is cold, and small, and hungry, and we have everything here and at the Slat to keep him comfortable."

His eyes snap back to you. "This isn't a daycare. We can't just swing our doors open to any lost kid you manage to find on the streets. This is the fucking Crow Club."

"I know damn well what this place is, Kaz." Your jaw hurts from how hard you're clenching it, head starting to pound at your temples. "I'm not blind nor incompetent. But he can't weigh more forty pounds and he's way past the age for that to be acceptable. I cannot, in good conscience, let him go for him to starve and eventually die on the streets."

He goes to say something, but stops, eyes flickering around your face. Your jaw is set, features no doubt mirroring his as you stand your ground, hands on your hips and feet stood apart.

"Please, Kaz."

You don't care that he runs this place. You're not about to be pushed around and bullied into staying complicit while this kid dies.

And he knows this.

So he closes his eyes, looking away from you as he takes a deep breath, collecting himself. His hand is no longer shaking, but you can tell he's still angry, ready to swing at both the imaginary and the physical.

He takes one last breath and looks at you, eyes only just softer than before. "You are responsible for him. He's hungry? You feed him. He's hurt? You fix him." The crows head of his cane comes up to look at you. "If he causes trouble, you deal with him."

You smile for only a moment before you push the cane away from your face, his barrier down. "He's well behaved. It'll be fine."

"You better hope so." He mumbles under his breath, walking away slightly off rhythm.

You watch him leave, members parting when they see his mood. A few even nearly knock over a chair when he gets a bit too close, Nina and Jesper arching their brows as he disappears out the door.

A few people are staring at you, eyes hungry for gossip and a glimpse at the kid you ushered in not minutes before.

You ignore them in turn for trying to figure out what to do with him.

He's sitting on a crate of Kaelish whiskey, legs shut tightly and dangling off the side, arms wrapped around his torso. But he's looking around, taking in the stockpile of alcohol.

"Alright, first things first." You say, leaving a crack in the door as you step into the room. He's jumpy, staring at you with analyzing eyes. "What's your name?"

He opens his mouth to say something, but then pauses, quickly shutting it.

You chuckle. "Listen, kid. Whatever you've got to hide, I don't give a shit. You're in the Barrel now, the only names that matter here are who you've decided to roll your dice with and those who call themselves bosses."

He thinks about it then, eyes narrowing and feet rubbing against eachother inside his tattered shoes. He wets his lips.

"Leopold."

It's... a little far from what you were expecting. You just barely stop yourself from snorting. "You'd have been better off lying."

His face blossoms in red, embarrassment clear as he begins to shut down.

"Hey, hey. I'm sorry." You're still smiling so it doesn't help much. But you kneel down in front of him. "It's customary here to at least make light fun of others when you first meet them." He's not convinced, but he's a little less prickly now, so that's something. "Is Leopold what you'd like to be called? Or is there a different name you have in mind?"

Again, he thinks about it.

"Leo, is fine."

"Leo is much better." You pat his knee, standing up.

His cheeks are still red, but you can tell he feels a little more confident now.

The arms that were tightly coiled around his waist have loosened, resting on his legs. His feet are swinging, just barely, and his back has straightened.

A thought comes to mind when you see his shoe begin to slip off his foot.

"How hungry are you?" You ask.

And before he can answer, you hear a rather loud grumbling from his stomach, and a bit of a pained expression falls on his face.

Your smile drops a little. "Well it's good to see you haven't got comfortable with being hungry yet. Come on." You wave him over as you swing the door open. "We're going to get some waffles."

"Waffles?!" You hear from your left.

Leo jumps in surprise, not expecting the voice.

You, however, were expecting it. Counting on it, even. "Yes, Nina. You can come if you want!"

It's faint, but you can hear her go "yes!" and the sound of a chair scraping against the floor. "No need to ask me twice!"

You look at Leo as he approaches the door, hands fidgeting with eachother.

"None of that." You say, tapping his hands, which in turn makes him fling them apart. "When you walk out of here, in front of all those people, pretend to be confident."

His eyebrows knit together, so you take your finger and smooth it out. "You don't have to actually feel confident, but those guys out there? They're vultures, and I dont think you have the heart to take the amount of teasing and bullying they'll inflict on you if they see you fidgeting like that." You grab his shoulders, and watch in amusement as he stiffens into a board. You give him a thumbs up, then tilt his chin parallel to the floor, bringing it out of its nook in his chest. "Fidgeting is reserved for those who have earned their place here, when everyone knows that if they mess with you, you'll hold your ground."

He's sweating, and his eyes are big and wide, but it's a little better than whatever he had going on before.

You usher him out the door, closing it behind you. People are still staring, and others are giving mean side eyes, but you ignore them, smiling at Nina from where she stands by the door.

Her face gets wider when she sees Leo next to you.

"Oh you're the little bugger that had Brekkers panties in a bunch." She leans down, ruffling his hair. "You and I are going to get along swimmingly."

Leo cringes, scrunching in on himself and away from her hand. He's absolutely not pleased, you think, as Nina takes her hand back.

Lazily helping him sort his hair back out, you start to wonder what this kid even likes.

"Nina, this is Leo. Leo, this is Nina, greatest wolf tamer to grace Fjerda's soil."

Nina scoffs, kicking her leg out and knocking your shin with the toe of her boot. "The whole world, thank you very much." She turns out the door, holding it open for you both as you exit.

You do your best to keep the kid close as you make your way through the streets, idly chatting with Nina as you shove Leo around into various alley ways when you see someone you don't have good relations with and pulling him away from an oncoming carriage when he gets lost staring at the boats that roam the canal.

He has to be an artist's son, or maybe a writer's. You don't know anyone who just stops in the middle of the road to look at boats doing their job and floating on water.

It's actually a miracle you make it to the little diner in one piece.

Inside it smells strongly like shitty coffee and various breakfast foods given the hour, much to both you and Nina's delight.

You're just happy to be out of Barrel air for a moment. Even if you were only just across East Stave and a two minute walk would plant you back in the slums, you swear the air quality just immediately skyrockets the second you cross the bridge.

The menus of this place are built into the tables, Grisha engraved into a thin piece of metal while a thick card on a rack displays the specials.

A booth a little ways away from the corner suits your group well, though you do regret not giving Leo a wipe down before coming out here.

It does seem like he attempted to clean himself off. Probably while Kaz was lecturing you. The dirt that was under his fingernails seems to be picked out, and the smudges on his face are considerably fainter.

It's a good thing you didn't walk into one of the nicer diners around here. But from your experience, the shittier the establishment the better their food will taste.

If you don't feel at least a little unsafe walking by it then it's probably not worth the kruge.

You shimmy into one side of the booth first while Nina slides in on the other side. Leo follows after you, sticking as close as he can while still giving you a bit of arm room.

"Alright." You smile, looking at the little breakfast section, scooting in just a bit more so Leo can look at the menu as well. "I know I said waffles, but really you can order anything you like."

"You're paying, yes?" Nina asks.

You roll your eyes. "Yes, Nina. I'm paying. Though do try and feel a little guilty for my poor pocket."

She doesn't say anything, eyes roaming over the whole breakfast section rather than stopping on just the waffles like usual.

Maybe you'll get some lunch to balance out the sugar that's about to grace the table.

The smallest of taps tickles your shoulder. "What's this?"

He's pounting at the menu, the item catching your eye. "Ah, I forgot these places give awful names to their foods. It's an omelet," you clarify, "with little veggies mixed in. Probably cheese in the middle."

His eyes go wide as you mime the size of such a dish with your hand.

"Would you like it?" You ask, gently probing at the little bits of personality that have managed to unravel themselves in the short time you've known him.

He looks at you, hesitant as he nods. "Yes please."

You smile. "Nice choice, kid."

The praise makes him smile, just as a waiter comes and begins to take your orders.

Of course, Nina gets a few plates of waffles with various toppings that she found interesting with a plate of toast, Leo gets his omelet with extra cheese, and you indulge yourself with a pile of hashbrowns and eggs over top.

Mixing it all together on your plate always sends Kaz into a frenzy. You hope he can feel the monstrosity being prepared and weeps at the sin you're about to commit.

"Does that man hate me?" Leo suddenly asks.

You scrunch your brows, discreetly looking around. "What man?"

"That man from before, that yelled at you." He says, rubbing his finger over a fork he received. "Did I get you in trouble?"

Nina chuckles. "Kaz is just like that. Out of everyone in that place your protector here is of the least likely to get in trouble."

You smile at that, thinking of Kaz's tendencies.

What Nina said isn't exactly true. You get in trouble just as much as the rest of them. Kaz just forgives you easier, is more willing to talk and come to a compromise.

Tonight you'll walk into his office and he'll still be steaming, angry at you for not clearing such a major change with him. He'll glance up at you, shoulders stiff and that cavern between his brows only getting deeper.

But if things go right, that edge he has a habit of keeping sharp will dull, his jaw will slacken, and his eyes will soften. He'll still be the hardstrung mini boss hell bent on making up for the past, but he'll settle down in the present for a little while, drinking the warm tea you set on his desk and heart a bit more open to you.

"No, I'm not in trouble." You fix his collar. "Just have some explaining to do."

Leo frowns, opting to pick at the metal menus. His leg is bouncing up at down, temples flexing. "So he is mad at me?"

You glance at Nina. She has a tightness to her lips, not knowing what to say either.

A joke, then. "He's not allowed to be mad at you before he meets you. However, I will be mad at you if you piss yourself in this booth."

His cheeks turn scarlet, not knowing where to look anymore. "I didnt know where the bathroom was."

"It's fine." You look towards the back, pointing to a hallway. "Down there, there's a bathroom. Lock the door behind you and knock before you go in."

He looks a little angry when you say that, but gets up and sulks his way over to the hallway. At least he already knows basic manners, then.

You turn to Nina, a deep sigh escaping your lungs.

She snorts. "I can see you turning older from where you sit."

You kick her foot under the table. "I couldn't leave him. Can you check up on him when we get back to the Club? I don't imagine he'll want me poking around at him trying to find a wound that doesn't exist."

"Seeing as you bought me breakfast, I suppose I have to return the favor."

"Thank you." You grab her hand, the both of you squeezing. "I'm sorry for tricking you."

That makes her let out a belly laugh, a short "ha!" while her cheeks glow. "If your tricks always start out like this then you wont see me complaining. Besides," she looks towards the back of the diner, "he's a cutie. Wouldn't want him dropping dead anytime soon."

"I'm mostly just worried about how calm he is. I mean, would you be this fine with a stranger picking you off the street and taking you to get food?"

Nina sighs, giving your hand another light squeeze. "Im not sure he knows he should be afraid. Which is more of a curse than a blessing. He's what, six?"

"Probably? My oldest quess is seven, but with how small he is compared to how well-mannered he is he could be ten for all I know."

"He'll be fine. And so will you. Just take it as it comes as all the advice I can offer you. He's probably going through shock."

Leo slides back into the booth, hands slightly damp from what you hope is water and not urine. Somehow the food is already done within the short amount of time you order, and a waiter is sliding the dishes onto the table.

The omelet doesn't stand a chance in front of a young boy, and a quarter of it is nearly gone before the waiter leaves.

You spare a glance at Nina, who's looking at the rapidly disappearing slab of eggs with amazement."Well if he wasn't before he definitely is about to be."

-----

You tuck the kid into bed, freshly washed and with a clean set of clothes on his body. His hair was actually a much lighter shade of brown than you thought, and beneath all that grime rested a few freckles and an old scar.

Nina had checked him all over for any sort of injury, and found nothing besides a bit of high blood pressure, which wasn't surprising given he was absolutely starving.

A bit of food in him for the next few months should help tremendously, you think.

He just got done stuffing himself with some soup you made for you and the Crows, ignoring the fact that the Slat was filled to the brim with people who also wanted some. It was enough for them that you pointed to a box of recipes and some spare ingredients, cheers sounding throughout the building.

Kaz had took his and disappeared up to his room before you could say anything, still visibly irritated.

Nina thinks he's about six, which could be why he's relatively quick to trust.

"Are you sure he's not mad at me?" Leo asks, patting down a pillow you just sewed together and bring you out of your thoughts.

You squat by your bed, head in your hands. "Maybe," you sigh. "But it's not from anything you did. He just doesn't like to be mad at me so he's using it up on you."

"Thats not very kind."

You want to wrap this kid up tighter. "No, it's not." Instead you turn the lantern beside your bed down to a very low flame, creating a soft glow throughout the room. "But it's Kaz."

Leo takes that explanation like a champ, like he actually understands what that means, and let's his eyes fall shut.

You pick up the hot tea you made earlier, using your key to lock the door behind you as you make your way over to the attic.

Strangely, you feel anxious as you ascend the stairs. The tea shakes in your hands, rattling a little against the mismatched saucer plate. But you open his door and are met with the exact situation you predicted earlier, your shoulders relaxing.

"Tea will not stave my mood." He turns over a piece of paper, setting down an ink pen.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." You set the tea on his desk, avoiding the wells of the door. "I am simply offering a nice cup of tea for my nice boyfriend who is totally not about to shove his nice cane up my nice ass."

"The last place my cane will go is up your ass." He sets the page down, looking up at you. "That's incredibly unsanitary."

You root around on his desk, looking at the various papers he's marking and reading through. "And the blood isn't?

"Arguably easier to clean." He takes a packet out of your hand and replaces it with a different one. "Educate me as to why bringing a child into my club was a smart decision."

Immediately you deflate, falling back into a chair. You cringe when the wood digs into your bones.

Honestly, you already told him everything. He's small, food was available, you had space he could occupy, why not?

"I've already told you, Kaz. I had the ability, and I dont really see a reason why not. Why don't you educate me?"

He looks about ready to strangle something, exasperated sigh shoving it's way out of his lungs.

"What are you going to do on the ocassion he gets in the line of fire? How are you going to react if his parents find him? When they take him back? Can you say with absolute certainty that this child wont destroy you?" He stands with every question, looming over his desk with his hands splayed over the surface.

"Could you have said that about me when we got together?" You counter.

It's a rare thing, to see Kaz go quiet and contemplative.

You don't particularly enjoy it.

"I can't say that should any of those happen I won't be a little devastated. But is it really justifiable to push him out just because he has the potential to hurt me?" You stand too, the packet still in your hand. "As you said, he's my responsibility. When it comes to that, I'll take the fall. You don't have to be as worried as you are-"

"I do." He interrupts. "I do, because he's important to you. And unfortunately our moods and overall state of mind have an overwhelming effect on the other."

You take a moment to look at him, purple blotches under his eyes and his scars highlighted by angle of the light. He's exhausted, and it kind of hurts to realize some of that might have been your fault.

But you're not sorry.

"He thinks you hate him."

"I don't know enough about him to properly hate him."

You smile as he sits down, bringing the cup of tea with him. He's far more relaxed than before, and is just this side of tired that you see his eyelids begin to weigh down, a deep breath is all it takes for the tension to leave his brows completely as the warm beverage meets his mouth. You swear you hear him moan when he feels just how warm it still is.

"Thats what I told him, but I don't think he believes me."

"Suck to suck. Look at the packet."

It's rather thin, you realize, black string tying the pages together. On the front, which you skimmed and didn't really read earlier, it says "Tips for new Adoptees".

On the inside are various tables and notes Kaz seems to have scrounged together, his messy cursive completely filling the pages to the point you have trouble figuring out where a thought ends and another begins.

"Huh." Is all you say, chest heavy and feet scuffing the floor.

You dont... you don't know what to say. You're reading something about how much a child costs but you're not really taking it in. It's more than you could have ever imagined.

Kaz sets the tea down. "I imagine Leo isn't going to be the last. You know where the extra paper is."

He makes your heart so warm. It makes it hard to be annoyed at him for doubting you.

The stairs leading up to the attic creak, and immediately you and Kaz are on guard, your hand moving to your back where little daggers decorate your belt.

Leo's face pops into the room, and you immediately relax, an exasperated sigh exiting your lips. "Hey, Leo. What's going on?"

He inches into the room, hands tentatively still holding onto he door. "I feel bad about going to sleep in your bed. And I wanted to say sorry for doing what I did, Mr. Kaz."

Kaz quirks a brow. "And what is that?"

"Um..." Leo freezes, looking away. "I don't know."

Immediately you look at Kaz, raising your own brow. He gives you a look that you know would kill you if it could, and you smile.

"Leo, come here and meet Kaz." You wave him over, setting the packet aside.

He hesitates, making a move to walk into the room. But when his eyes land on Kaz, he stops.

"He doesnt bite." You try and crack a joke, and while he doesnt laugh, he does drop his shoulders and release the iron grip from the doors side.

Kaz stands and walks around the table, limp pronounced as usual without his cane as Leo closes the door and makes his way across the room.

They stare at eachother for a few moments, coming just a few feet apart behind your chair. You watch their eyes scan over the other, Leo eyeing Kaz's limp and little scars and Kaz inspecting Leo' clothes and the way his ear is slightly folded inwards.

Surprisingly, Kaz offers his gloved hand first, and Leo takes it almost instantly. You watch as they share a firm handshake, nodding at eachother.

"Please to make your anquaintance." There's a slight fumble to Leo's words, and it takes everything in your power to not interrupt their moment and correct him.

But Kaz just nods, releasing their hands. "Pleasure is all mine."

You smile, the little interaction forever cemented into your soul.

Leo definitely isn't going to be the last kid coming through here. Not when Kaz let's a smile pull at his lips just so, and makes a pen appear out of thin air for Leo to look at.

For now, however, this is enough.

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Tags:

@b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @a-candle-maker @xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx @kylie18 @morrigan-crowmwell

[cyberstrm]

weakness

show!kaz brekker x gn!crow!reader

cws: blood, gun violence, panic attack details. show!kaz brekker is definitely older than 18 i've decided. there is no way that man is 17. anyways. both kaz and reader are over 18.

everything in your head was muddled and foggy. the last thing you remember was you were on a job with the crows, and it was going well. you'd successfully performed your part, and thought you were in the clear. until an ambush, a lot of shouting and gunfire, and an agonising pain in your left thigh.

you jolted awake, three faces staring down at you in front of a damp, wooden ceiling.

"oh thank the saints, y/n. you had me worried there for a moment." nina sighed in relief as her hands fell to her sides. she'd clearly just been using her powers on you, which was unnerving.

you were breathing rapidly, too rapidly, and you sat up, still having said nothing. you couldn't. you were breathing too fast and your heart felt like it might explode. this was your first proper injury, and being shot with an actual gun had left you shaken and trembling, and the dull pain in your leg wasn't helping.

"y/n? y-you're okay now, you're safe-" jesper said kindly, reading out to touch your shoulder. you flinched and scrambled to your feet, swaying. the room felt like it was spinning. wylan, nina and jesper stood dumbfounded, unsure what to do. you backed into the wall and slid down, still unable to calm yourself, still trembling in fear. it was too much. it was all too much. tears were streaming down your face and you're breathing was still too quick.

someone entered the room, a cane tapping on the floor as they walked.

"are they awake?" he asked the room at large. no one said anything. "well?"

jesper looked over at you, shaking in the corner.

kaz looked at you, his expression unreadable.

"out." he said simply. when no one moved, he said it again, louder. "out!"

the three left, closing the door behind them. kaz limped towards you, and you knew what was coming. he was going to tell you you weren't cut out for this, and should go home. this only made you sob harder. this was your home now, these crows were your home.

kaz propped his cane against the wall and slowly knelt in front of you. you backed up against the wall further.

"it's okay." he said in an uncharacteristically soft voice. "i'm not going to touch you."

you calmed a bit, trying to ease your breathing.

"you're having a panic attack. you need to breathe." he said. his commanding voice got through to you and you felt your breathing slow.

"i-i'm sorry." you choked out. "i know you can't afford weakness on your team."

"you're right." he replied. "but you're only human. everyone panics after their first real injury."

"even you?"

kaz looked away, remembering his broken leg, and the pain that lasted from then until now, and the fear that spread through him for months after, making him feel weak and worthless. kaz was unsure why he felt so caring towards you at this meoment. maybe he saw a part of himself in you, or maybe it was the way his heart broke slightly after watching his y/n cry.

"yes. even me." he fumbled in his pocket for a moment, and drew out a blue, silk handkerchief. "may i?"

you nodded. his hand reached forward and he dabbed your cheeks, wiping away the tears. when he finished, he placed the handkerchief in your hand.

"you're not weak, y/n."

a silence fell over you two, but not an awkward one. just comfortable silence. kaz remained next to you, until you finally felt able to speak properly.

"thank you for staying with me." you said in a small voice. "what now?"

kaz thought for a moment. "a glass of whiskey. come on"

he stood up and held out a gloved hand to help you up. you wobbled slightly, but kaz's hand went to your waist and kept you steady, making your cheeks redden. kaz opened the door, where nina, wylan and jesper scrambled away from where they had clearly been listening.

"is y/n...?" jesper began timidly.

"they're fine. come on, we're getting drinks."

the five of you made you way downstairs to the bar, the silk handkerchief still clutched in your hand.

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother   Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

We were in the backseat Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar "I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

Summary: While you are beginning again in Ravka, Kaz Brekker contemplates and reminisces about how you were the one who quietly made a home in his cold heart and is addicted to the terrible ache in his heart that he feels keenly at your absence in his life. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic), Six of Crows x Reader (Platonic). 

Warnings: Pure sweet fluff, humor, lots of angst, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Dregs being legends, Kaz Brekker being an absolute emotionally constipated asshole in denial.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 5 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience and understanding! I’ve written this chapter from Kaz’ POV explaining his feelings and thoughts because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time and it was a challenge but I finally did it! 

I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 4 -  Someone to Stay

Ketterdam was dark and dismal full of hidden secrets and monsters in the shadows. The city was built on blood and secrets and no one knew that better than the man who now ruled it, Kaz Brekker. 

As Kaz Brekker strode through the crowded streets of Ketterdam filled with gullible pigeons and hungry monsters, he felt empty and alone. It was a feeling now he knew all too well though he tried to ignore it. The feeling ached and hurt him in places he didn’t know he had for the last few weeks. Kaz felt terrible these days, his mood completely sour and ill - tempered than usual frightening the Dregs, hurting his enemies and concerning his friends. Kaz couldn’t sleep the last few weeks as he tossed and turned restlessly in his empty and cold bed and in the rare moments he sunk into a fitful slumber, he was dreamt of you and woke up with sweat running down his forehead and gasps. 

In the moments of sleep, he dreamt of you. The dreams always started the same way... there you were smiling at him as he reached for you, as he pressed a hungry kiss onto your sweet lips devouring you eagerly as both of you indulged in happiness and love that was only yours. But it would all fall down when the thick darkness began to envelope their surroundings and though they tried to escape it, you both would be caught in it, trapped within a dark and deserted place where nothing grew. Kaz remembered feeling your hand brush against his in the darkness. It wouldn’t make sense but suddenly the darkness would thin out slightly and they were both alone in a ship that had been wrecked as a storm poured down on them. In his dream, Kaz and you were trying to find a way out of the ship wreck but out of the blue, a shadowy figure shoots at Kaz but the bullet never reaches Kaz. Kaz wonders why he is unharmed as he realizes that in the cold of the stormy night, you had wrapped yourself around him and taken the bullet for him. Kaz watches you bleed as the life drained away from your eyes and the storm drowns you and he loses you. 

He hates this feeling of helplessness and fear he feels when he wakes up and realizes it isn’t real, it was just a nightmare but it hurts more when it hits him that you aren’t around to quiet his fears with the gentleness in your eyes and the touch of your hand. 

Since you left Ketterdam, the days dragged on and time seemed to pass by completely slowly infuriating Kaz who was haunted by you and took out his anger on everyone else. Everyone in Ketterdam feared him more than ever, and the Crows were praying for your swift return. 

Kaz remembered the first time he had seen you. It was a moment he would never forget. 

The cold season was oncoming and the Crows had heard of stories of the number of children increased in Ketterdam who were shivering in the cold, starving and had no shelter. As they made their way to the Slat that provided them warmth as they talked and laughed, Jesper’s eyes had landed on a girl dressed in a shabby and raggedy dress standing on the dirty and wet street with baskets in her arms as she stared at him hungrily. 

Jesper was used to people staring at him. Everyone stared at him in admiration, fear, awe and lust and Jesper loved it. But Jesper had never felt anyone stare at him hungrily with a wistful look. It made him feel sad as he met your hungry and starved eyes that stared at him greedily and thought that you were one of those poor beggar children who had nothing to eat and no one to go to. It never occurred to him that you had been staring at him hungrily because you were greedy and starving for the warm and happy life he led with his friends, the laughter and mischievousness that glittered in his kind eyes and that you just wanted to go back to the better days where you had your brother by your side, and everything was just perfect and unspoiled. Jesper only saw your ragged clothes, hungry eyes, skinny figure that shivered in the cold. 

And that’s why Jesper thrust his hand into his pocket and took the money he had been meaning to gamble and took off his coat as well as he walked toward you with kindness “Here you go, dear. Take this money and my coat. It’ll keep you warm.”

You had been startled and alarmed as you realized the boy with a warm and sunny disposition you had been staring at had mistaken you for a beggar girl and you realized you looked like one of the shabby and skinny poor children, the ones you had always been generous to back at home. The realization hit you like a hurricane with humiliation as you grew red and then deathly white in embarrassment as you thought of how far you had fallen down from grace. 

And that’s why you broke into a laugh because you were close to crying as you exclaimed your heart touched at the boy’s kindness because all your time spent in Ketterdam, kindness had been very rare to you “Oh no! Oh no, thank you! I must refuse!”

The Crows who had been watching the scene unfold, waiting for Jesper patiently looked in intrigue and interest at you. Kaz raised his head to truly look at you because it was your voice that had interested all of them especially him as he took a few steps forward to listen to you. You did not speak in a manner of an ordinary street child but your manners belonged to a girl who was well bred and raised in a good household. A manner of a princess, mused Kaz as he looked at you intently. 

But Jesper was not to be moved away as he placed his coat over you and put the money in the palm of your hand with kindness etched on his face “You mustn’t refuse! Don’t worry, I have plenty of coats and trust me, this one will keep you really warm. And you must use this money to buy food. If there’s anything you need from me, just ask for Jesper at the Crow Club.”

You saw something so kind and generous in his face that you knew to refuse would break his heart and you didn’t want to disappoint him. So you tightened the very warm coat around you and gratefully accepted the kruge from Jesper who grinned happily though your pride felt stung and your cheeks burned bitterly. You had known that you looked weary and shabby but until now you didn’t know you looked like a beggar girl. 

His grin reminded you so much of your brother and his kindness was such a beautiful thing that you choked on a sob of humiliation and pain, reminiscence and happiness as you flung your arms around him “Thank you! Thank you so much! You are such a kind, sweet and generous darling boy!”

And with those words, you let go of Jesper who smiled happily and you left feeling warm. Kaz’ eyes widened at your response as Jesper skipped back towards them with a happy grin and Kaz reprimanded Jesper “Jesper! Why did you do that? That girl is not a beggar! She didn’t speak like a beggar or look like a beggar!”

“And she didn’t beg. I thought she would be angry with you. Sometimes, it makes people angry to be taken for beggars when they are not.” said Inej who felt sympathetic for you but she agreed with Kaz because there had been something very different about her. 

“She wasn’t angry.” replied Jesper dismayed at his friends reactions but firm in what he had done and happy because he had made a difference in your life as he smiled widely “She was very happy. She laughed and hugged me and said I was a kind, sweet and generous darling boy! And I was!”

Kaz and Inej exchanged thoughtful glances as Kaz felt mystified by you and said “An ordinary beggar girl would have never said that. They would have just accepted the money and thanked you quickly or even respectfully bobbed a curtesy.”

From that moment on, Kaz Brekker was profoundly interested in you. Not just Kaz Brekker but the Crows and nearly all of the Dregs. You knew nothing of this new interest in you and never appeared at the Crow Club seeking Jesper Fahey but whenever you passed the Slat in your broken shoes and worn out clothes, your hair tucked with a ribbon, faces would appear at the window to take a good look at you, many discussions concerning you were held and you were nicknamed at the girl who is not a beggar. It was hilarious when the Dregs said it in a hurry. 

Inej who had followed you and found information about you, told Kaz and Jesper about you “She is alone in Ketterdam. She doesn’t have anybody - she’s an orphan. She’s kind of a servant at the Van Eck mansion. She runs errands, carries parcels and does anything they tell her to.”

Inej’s anger was evident as she spoke fiercely, her hands clenched “They work her to the bone - sending her on long and tiresome errands without any proper clothing. And they punish her, hit her and deprive her of food and starve her and she doesn’t even have a proper place to sleep.”

Jesper looked like he was one second away from marching to the Van Eck mansion and getting you out of there but Inej wasn’t done as she continued “But she’s really strong. She’s friends with a crow that comes to her window and a rat in her room that she tamed.”

Jesper started laughing in amusement and wonder as his eyes gleamed in fondness “Oh! She’s odd that one but I believe I am beginning to like her!”

Kaz hid the little smile that threatened to burst at the thought of you taming and being friends with animals as he listened to Inej “And as for people who are nice to her... the Van Eck boy and her are friends. He’s the only one who is nice to her in that house.”

“What? You mean, Van Eck’s son is friends with the girl who isn’t a beggar?” asked Jesper in interest and intrigue as he snorted in amusement while Kaz sat up in interest “What? Does his daddy know?”

“No. The visits are secret and very rare. The Van Eck boy comes to her room at night whenever it’s safe, with food and books. And she reads to him and tells him stories and they talk and pretend that the attic she lives in is somewhere nicer. But she’s not a beggar.”

Kaz listened to this in rapt attention as he thought of you braving your unbearable life with a vivid imagination and determination. Perhaps that’s when Kaz had begun to like her unbeknownst to him.

The next time Kaz saw you was when he was on his way to the Slat after a negotiation and he spotted your dark mane of hair tied with a narrow ribbon as you slipped through the crowd and something in him ignited fiercely as he followed you quietly in interest. This day was a wretched one. His leg ached bitterly but he followed you nevertheless as he observed you were dressed in a dark blue dress that had grown shabbier and worn out, your shoes were downtrodden and wet with water that filled it, the coat around your shoulders was Jesper’s, your face pinched and starved and cold with blue and your heavy thick mane of dark hair was tied in a narrow ribbon. 

That day was wretchedly freezing and dreary, the street wet and sloppy and Kaz observed how the wind tried to drag the coat Jesper had given you as you waded through the mud, the water filling your broken shoes. Although Kaz knew of your position in the Van Eck household, he truly did not know the extent to which the ill tempered and depressed staff treated you as a slave driving you on errands on the worst days. Kaz didn’t know that today of all days, you were trying to keep away the thoughts of your ravenous hunger by thinking of more pleasant and lovelier thoughts of being in dry and beautiful clothes, eating the most delicious food in the company of those whom you loved the best. He did not know for you, your imagination and making up stories and pretending was your way of coping and being strong in the hell of this city. 

Kaz observed you stop at a bakery as you stared hungrily at the pastries, buns and cakes on display when your attention seemed to shift to a little beggar boy with untamable wild curly hair, a pale face with big hungry eyes and dirty clothes as he wrapped himself with rags to keep warm from the freezing cold. The boy was younger than Kaz himself and Kaz observed you talk softly and kindly to the boy for a few moments, your lips nearly blue from the cold. Kaz waited in the shadows as he saw you finish the conversation with the little hungry boy and look at him with an odd look in your eyes. 

Kaz watched keenly as you entered the bakery where you were greeted by a friendly and kind boy with unruly brown hair and watched you point for three waffles. The nice and warm ones that had just been made. Kaz quietly watched the baker boy throw in five waffles in the bag for you and you seemed to point his mistake to Kaz’ surprise. Kaz wondered why you wouldn’t just take it and leave when you were so hungry. But the baker boy just smiled kindly and gave the bag to you as you stumbled out of the bakery and look at the little boy who seemed to be crying in suffering and starvation. 

Kaz urged you to leave. You had what you wanted, there was no time for you to think about others. 

But to his great shock, you knelt down before the boy as you gently smiled at him and handed him one waffle. The boy looked at you in amazement as if you had performed a miracle and began to eat it up wildly as if he was afraid that the waffle would vanish any time if he didn’t devour it up soon. Kaz was frozen in shock as he watched you place the rest of the waffles in the little beggar boy’s hands as you said something kind to the boy and ruffled his hair. The savage beggar boy was too hungry to give thanks as you left him to eat knowing that he was starving and the beggar boy looked up to see the vanishing figure of you at the end of the street. 

Kaz didn’t know why but he knew that you could have eaten up all five waffles without hesitation. He had seen it in your eyes. And yet, you had sacrificed it for this poor child you barely knew. As he reflected on his thoughts, curiosity got the better of him as he strode toward the boy. 

“Who gave you those waffles?”

The boy nodded toward your vanishing figure and Kaz queried curiously “What did she say to you?”

The boy looked at Kaz distrustfully but answered “Asked me if I was ‘ungry.”

“What did you say?”

“Said I had nothin to eat.”

“And then she bought the waffles and gave it to you?”

The boy nodded and although Kaz knew the answer, he had to hear it from the boy’s mouth “How many?”

“Five.”

Something in Kaz’ seemed to ignite at the answer. He had seen it was five but he couldn’t quite believe that the girl would be so stupid, self - sacrificing and kind to give the food she could have sustained herself with to a complete stranger who she didn’t know. It was absolutely an act of stupidity to Kaz and yet it moved and touched Kaz in a way it had not before. Ketterdam was a city known for cruelty and exploitation with darkness of the hearts spreading through it like a disease but this girl had proven that her heart was a ray of sunshine, the kindness and goodness in her soul was still not snatched by this city even though she faced the worst trials of adversity. 

Kaz felt himself transported to his childhood where Jordie and him were completely poor and hungry. How different would their lives have been if there had been someone like her, someone who had been willing to share and listen to their woes and someone who had been completely good and kind to them without expectations and conditions. 

Kaz thought of your hungry eyes and cold figure. He knew you had wanted those waffles. He knew that you could have eaten all of those waffles and even more but instead you chose to give it to a little boy who was hungrier and colder than you were. 

Perhaps your act of goodness stirred something in his cold heart because Kaz inquired “Are you still hungry?”

“I’m always ‘ungry. But it ain’t half that bad now.”

Kaz was inspired by your little act of goodness that was enormous in his eyes as the next few words slipped his mouth “Go to the Crow Club and tell them Kaz Brekker sent you to be looked after by Inej Ghafa. She’ll help you get yourself warm and give you something to eat.”

The little urchin got up and obeyed because he didn’t care what was happening or what happened next as long as he was given a place where warmth and food was supplied. As Kaz looked at the little urchin leaving, he realized that he had done this for your sake and he decided to follow you because now he had started to see you, he couldn’t stop. 

Kaz found himself at the Van Eck household where he saw you entering it with baskets and parcels in your hands, completely exhausted. 

Kaz hid among the bushes having a good vantage point to see everything going on as he saw Van Eck accompanied by his son, both of them dressed in warm clothing as they sat at a table full of warm food with books scattered on it as Van Eck who was in a foul temper scolded the quiet son. 

When you entered the garden, you ran into Van Eck who was already in a savage temper as he snapped “Where were you? You have been wasting time, lingering out and about for hours.”

Kaz noticed how tired you looked but you still managed to reply faintly and politely “It was wet and muddy. It was hard to walk because my shoes were so bad and slippery.”

“Do not lie. You shall go without dinner tonight.” stated Van Eck savagely while his son turned quite pale. 

“I have had nothing to eat since this week.” Kaz heard you reply in a faint and low voice and felt himself tremble in savage anger. 

“Then all the better! You shall have no breakfast, lunch or dinner tomorrow either! That will teach you how to behave like a proper servant!” 

Kaz was certain you were trembling in hunger and cold as you grew pale and on the verge of breaking down when the son spoke up softly yet boldly “Father, please! She’s just a girl. You cannot starve -”

Van Eck slapped his son so hard that the boy nearly stumbled back and you gasped in horror and fear while Kaz watched in curiosity “You will speak when you are spoken to! Have you no pride? She is not a girl, she is a servant and she will be treated as so! Truly, Wylan, you disappoint me with that soft heart of yours. Go to your room and think about yourself. Have you never thought of what I think of you and try to become someone that I can be proud of?”

Wylan’s eyes were misty but it was your face that caught Van Eck’s attention. It had caught Kaz’ attention too for your face was serious and solemn, quiet and sad as you fixed your eyes on Van Eck who glared at you fiercely. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kaz’ eyes were on you as you stood steadfast and fearless in front of Van Eck as you answered quietly “I was thinking.”

By the expression on Van Eck’s face, Kaz realized that he had dealt with situations like this with you before as he demanded “Thinking of what? Beg my pardon for thinking.”

“I shall not beg your pardon for thinking.” you replied honestly as Kaz’ looked at you, your expression serious and sad as you replied quietly “I was thinking of what my father would think and do if he knew where I was today.”

Kaz’ saw Van Eck go red and then a dangerous purple as he flew at you and shook you violently, slapping your cheek and boxing your ears as you gasped in pain from the endless blows you received as Van Eck ignored Wylan’s protests as he snapped “You insolent child! How dare you be so impolite to your employer!”

There was a fire of fury that ignited in Kaz as he watched you take the blows in agony and pain as you hid back your tears. When Van Eck was finished with you, your cheeks were red and smarting and there was a slight wound from the blows you received but Kaz’ felt curious and awed as he saw your eyes were bright as stars as you let out a little amused laugh that shocked Van Eck who saw that you were not frightened by him. 

Kaz felt curiosity stir as he watched you in amazement as you laughed and then bobbed a mocking curtesy “Excuse me for laughing if it is impolite but I cannot help it when there is a clown in front of me.”

Kaz couldn’t help but grin at her daring sassiness as she ran away leaving Van Eck struggling with his rage and Wylan hiding a small smile as his eyes lingered on her vanishing figure. 

That day, as Kaz sat in his office in the Slat, he thought of your tight and pinched face, your starved and hungry eyes that held determination and thoughtfulness in them and your quiet polite manners and daring bravery. Kaz was fascinated by you from the moment he had seen you. You reminded him of a girl in his childhood. You were vastly different from this girl but yet there was something about you that reminded him of the girl back in his village Lij. 

Everyone called her the Little Empress. She was the daughter of a rich and respected man who was a businessman in Ketterdam. Her father kept her in the grand mansion and there were many stories and rumors about her and her dangerous father that Jordie used to tell Kaz to pass the time because Kaz was fascinated by the fairytale life they lived. Kaz remembers the times he did catch rare glimpses of her and believed that the name Little Empress fitted her. 

Kaz had seen her traveling in a carriage with her father as she held onto his arm. Kaz had seen her hand in hand with her father, surrounded by elegant governesses and intimidating men and women as they walked through the village commanding respect. Kaz’ eyes widened in awe and wonder every time he glimpsed her, for she looked very pretty and beautiful in her velvet dresses trimmed with furs, lace and satin dresses with puffed sleeves, lovely hats, ermine coats and muffs and tiny gloves that fitted her little hands, handkerchiefs and silk stockings that Kaz heard the villagers whisper that the little girl had a wardrobe that was much too grand for a child of seven. Kaz had learned the father was a gangster from his father but fond of his little girl and wanted his child to have everything he admired and everything he admired himself. Jordie murmured that though she had everything, the little girl was not spoiled because once Jordie had bumped into her on an errand and when she had seen Jordie cold and shivering, she had offered her silk scarf and her cloak and insisted on buying him a hot meal and food for his family as well. Kaz had never spoken to the Little Empress but all he knew of her is that she lived grandly with a gangster father who spoiled her, governesses who taught her everything she needed to know and people who protected her. 

Though Kaz barely remembers much of his life in his village, one of the memories he does remember is meeting the gangster, the father of the Little Empress who visited their farm to buy a horse for his daughter. Kaz’ father knew the gangster through casual acquaintance for both men had fondness and affection for horses and greeted the gangster excited about finding a horse for his daughter. They both walked around as Kaz’ father talked about the special qualities of each horse but the gangster was waiting for the right horse. 

Kaz and Jordie left their village after their father’s death and a week after that, they heard that the gangster’s house was burned to ashes with everyone in it and there was no possibility of any survivors. Kaz had thought of the Little Empress burning in the fire and had felt a pit of sadness grow at the thought of the gangster and the pretty Little Empress dying in the fire. Their faces were now blurry to him but he still remembered the excitement and amazement he felt every time he caught a glimpse of her. 

You were not like the Little Empress at all. You were dirty, shabby, poor and worn out. But there was something in your manner that reminded him of the Little Empress. Something bold and kind, smart and resilient that impressed Kaz who was lost in thoughts of you. 

Kaz kept an eye out for you but after a while, you stopped passing by the Slat and Crow Club with parcels and baskets in your arms. Kaz waited for you to pass by the Slat and Crow Club but as days went by, your presence did not grace them and the Dregs felt worried about the girl who was not a beggar. Kaz hid all the worry as he sent Inej to look out for you but you had disappeared from Ketterdam. Kaz felt something in him sink in dark pain when Inej bought back the news that she couldn’t find you anywhere as he realized that you had not survived the cruelty and mercilessness of Ketterdam. After your disappearance, the Van Eck boy mysteriously disappeared as well. Though Kaz, Inej and Jesper searched valiantly for you, their efforts were in vain because you were nowhere to be found and no one knew of where you were. 

After many months after your disappearance, Kaz Brekker who was working on a heist regarding taking down one of the prominent gangs that abducted young children heard stories and rumors of an infamous spy and an intelligent detective who could find anyone no matter how far they ran and how hard they tried to hide away from the rest of the world. This spy was a shadow, an enigma and a mystery that had no name but many people in Ketterdam owed their lives to this spy because this spy would take any job given to them and do it successfully with style. This was a unique spy different from the ones who dominated Ketterdam. This spy took on cases of murder, missing children, abusive households, exposing corruption and helped people with their skillset. The stories and rumors boasted of a spy who was dangerous, uncatchable, intelligent and always one step ahead of those who thought they had the spy in a trap. 

Kaz searched for this ruthless and smart spy endlessly because it was rumored they were working on the same case as him and secondly their skillset could be valuable to him. Finally, you got into a fight with one of the Dregs leaving him seriously injured. Kaz who had seen the injuries on his Dreg decided to find you once and for all as he send Inej, Jesper and Nina to inquire and found out that you occasionally hung out at a particular pub where people knew your identity but protected you. He learned that you went by name Pandora Silvertongue in the profession.   

Kaz remembered stepping into the bar that belonged to the boy with unruly hair that had been kind to you that day. The boy had now upgraded his bar to a dining and drinking pub where the patrons were drinking and eating, laughing and singing like strangled cats while the boy smiled as he poured them more drinks. 

When the boy with unruly hair saw Kaz, Inej and Jesper enter, his eyes widened in recognition and fear and Kaz announced in a steely voice that was not to be challenged “Is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?” 

Everyone was quiet in fear and fright as no one dared to breath and Jesper took one of his revolvers and shot it to the air startling the patrons who screamed in fear as Kaz announced once again with authority “I said is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?”

The private room of the bar opened up as a girl with a spring in her step, color in her cheeks stepped out calmly as her eyes glinted with understanding and fearlessness. Kaz’, Inej’ and Jesper’s  eyes widened in shock and amazement as they recognized you, the girl who was not a beggar who they had thought disappeared from Ketterdam but here you were alive and well. 

Kaz could feel his breath quicken as his eyes never left you who was dressed in a fine dark blue dress as you looked at the Crows and then at the bartender with authority that you commanded naturally “Steve, get them a drink. Everyone else go home.”

Everyone obeyed your command as they immediately stumbled out of the bar. You seated yourself at a table carelessly and elegantly without extending an invitation to the Crows to join you because you showed no signs of fearing them while Steve poured fine whisky for all of them as you had ordered. 

When Steve finished pouring the drinks, you looked at the bartender with a quiet gleam in your eyes “You go home.”

“But -”

“I said go home.” you said in a calm and quiet voice but everyone understood you shouldn’t be challenged as Steve cast a good protective and concerned look at you and scuttled to the back. 

You lit a cigarette airily and carelessly as you looked at Kaz Brekker as if he was nothing special who was still recovering from his shock and Jesper broke the silence with a grin “The girl who is not a beggar! It’s you! We were so worried about you! We thought you had died - or disappeared but you look so awesome!”

You smiled slightly but before you could reply, Kaz spoke sharply in a hard tone “So I suppose you are the infamous Pandora Silvertongue because you are looking up and down at me like you aren’t afraid of me.”

You merely smiled as you replied calmly and quietly taking a puff of your cigarette “I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.”

But before Kaz could say anything, Jesper jumped in “We’re so glad you are alright. We were worried about you, you know? I mean, we used to make up stories and theories about who you were. You probably don’t remember me -”

“Jesper Fahey from the Crow Club.” you said with a genuine smile as you nodded at him “I never forget anyone who has been kind to me. Thank you for being warm and kind on one of the many dark days I had.”

“Oh... it was nothing.”

“No, it was something. It was something extraordinary.” you replied with a genuinely warm and grateful smile as Jesper felt appreciated and happy. 

“I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.” you replied calmly and quietly as you took a puff of your cigarette. “What are you doing here?”

“Your name is Pandora Silvertongue. In the past few months, you have earned a reputation for being a dangerous spy and an intelligent detective who no one can hide anything from. You also tutor Ketterdam students. You’ve made yourself more enemies than friends. You’re in danger.” informed Kaz calmly with a deadpanned expression as he gazed at you skeptically and perceptively. 

“You’ve done your research but you are still not answering my question.” you replied in amusement as you dabbed your cigarette into the ashtray 

Kaz saw you raise your eyebrows at him and intrigue spark in your eyes as he began “A few weeks ago, someone started to capture Dregs. Not just any Dregs, female Dregs were targeted, lured into isolated areas, tortured and killed. Their eyes were gouged and hearts were ripped out and after three murders, a note was left at the fourth murder.”

You listened to Kaz who handed you the information on the murders as you looked through the papers “This is all the information we have on the killer. We’ve tried to follow and keep tabs on each Dreg but there is little progress. We need to know who the killer is so we can take him down.”

“I need to examine the bodies of the victims and visit the location of each murder to determine the behavioral patterns of the victims and murderers, preferably with one of you so I can role play and get inside their minds.” you replied thoughtfully as you flipped through each page quickly while Kaz nodded “Was the murder weapon left at the scene?”

“No. Who would be stupid enough to do that?” laughed Jesper rolling his eyes at you. 

“Killers who enjoy the thrill of the chase. To them, killing isn’t just a crime, it’s an emotional release and enjoyment.” you replied as you ran your hand through your hair, your face full of concentration and focus making you oddly attractive to Kaz “Was anything taken away from the victims when they were found?”

“Their weapons.” answered Kaz curtly 

“Well, I’ll look into everything about these girls. From their family backgrounds, traumas, how they were recruited, special skills, who they were close to and their daily routines. I also look into their autopsy reports.” you stated firmly as you closed the file and looked at an unreadable Kaz, a hopeful Inej and amazed Jesper who listened attentively to you and you were silent for a few moments as you read the note “But I can tell you this about the killer from the note.”

Kaz leaned slightly forward in interest as he waited in anticipation “Did you ever wonder why there was a note left on the fourth murder? It’s because the first three killings didn’t get the attention he wanted it to. So, to get the glory and revel in it, the killer left the note. What he doesn’t know is... he also left clues as to how to find him.”

Kaz raised his eyebrows because he couldn’t quite believe you had found clues regarding the killer so soon but he nodded at you to continue. 

“From what you told me about the killer, he is not confident enough to initiate social contact so he lures them into isolation. Look at the letters, the style of writing - not confident enough but charming enough to be trustworthy. Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants. The writer’s handwriting shows signs of emotional repression and violence. And the pressure if you look closely is excessively heavy which shows that he is uptight hiding trauma and can easily overreact with excessive violence.” you stated in one breath as you gestured to the handwriting in the letter while Kaz looked at you in hidden wonder and admiration, impressed by your intelligence. 

Jesper was the first one to find his tongue “You got all that from his handwriting?”

“Handwriting is an indicator of personality and behavior. It symbolizes your emotions at the given time just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling and speaking.” you replied smartly while Kaz processed this new information “But the interesting thing about this note is - it’s a line from a Kaelish poem. It says ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, tell no more lies about who you are.’”

Inej looked at Kaz and Jesper and then at you thoughtfully as she offered “So then, we are looking for someone Kaelish, well versed in literature, educated, narcistic and organized?”

You looked at Kaz confidently and smartly, with a grim glint in your eyes “I would cut off Kaelish. This person wants you to narrow it down to Kaelish people. Right now, you are looking for someone who knows the language of Kaelish, who is well - versed in literature, violent when provoked, smart and organized and charming and trustworthy and someone who needs to be in control. This was a person all these three girls knew and trusted... and maybe, it’s someone you know too. Someone who knows the procedures of the Dregs and how things work in there. This was someone who stalked each girl, observed the times she did everything, places she went to, people she talked to and organized the crime accordingly.” 

“So we cannot eliminate the possibility that it might be one of the Dregs.” replied Kaz calmly as he thought of the possible suspects and the people who the three girls had in common. 

“No. In fact, I believe you might have even met the killer, perhaps offering condolences for the deaths of the girls or trying to help in any way they can to find them. Keep a sharp eye and trust no one.” you replied sharply and grimly and then after a long moment of silence, your lips curved into a smile “How do you feel about the violin?”

Kaz, Jesper and Inej exchanged surprised glances because that was the last question they expected “What?”

“Well, I play the violin when I’m thinking. Will that be a problem? I also need a large space to pace about, I’m a coffee addict and I don’t talk for days on end and sometimes I talk to myself because I’m the only one in the room who makes sense. Will that bother you? Potential colleagues should know the worst about each other.” you stated easily and calmly with a charming and sweet smile as you finished the last of your whisky. 

Jesper and Inej exchanged amused glances at how Kaz looked surprised at you taking charge and twisting the conversation to surprise him as he replied “Colleagues? Who said anything about becoming a Dreg?”

“I did. Told Nina Zenik day before yesterday over waffles that I must be a difficult and dangerous woman to work with because Pekka Rollins’ has his eye on me because I just took down one of the slavers. Now here her employer is... Kaz Brekker, the Lieutenant of the Dregs, the owner of the Crow Club, clearly wanting to get to me before Rollins does by testing me to see if I am worthy of his time and investment and lives up to Zenik’s word.” you said casually and nonchalantly as if the answer had been simple enough for anyone to understand and Kaz wondered if you had set this up on purpose as he watched you stand up and put your coat on “It isn’t really a difficult conclusion.”

Jesper grinned “I really like her.”

Inej grinned wider as she nodded “Yeah, I really like her too.”

“I’ll be in contact. I need to establish my investigation so I’ll be moving in as a bar girl and Brekker’s secretary tomorrow. That way, I can discreetly find out about what happened to the girls and who they associated with and perhaps even lure out the killer.” you replied briskly in a composed and matter - of - fact voice that Kaz did not like because he was the boss as you moved across the room swiftly “I don’t need a room, I have my own place so I won’t be around for that. I’ll meet you in the evening around at five to go check the victims and locations. Sorry, got to dash... have important things to do.”

Kaz was surprised at the nonchalance and fearlessness you held toward him and the way you treated him as your equal as he called out “Is that it?”

“Is that what?” you inquired politely as you stopped mid - step to look at Kaz in curiosity. 

“Well, we just met and now you are part of the Dregs without my permission?” replied Kaz smartly in a deadly and dangerous voice as he looked at you coldly while Inej and Jesper exchanged amused looks because Kaz seemed to have met his match.  

You didn’t seem fazed at all, in fact you seemed surprised and amused “Problem?”

“We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we are meeting this evening and I suspect Pandora Silvertongue isn’t your real name.” replied Kaz smoothly and smartly as he raised his eyebrows at her with a smirk because he had to admit she had the nerve and daring combined with her intelligence and curiosity which felt oddly attractive to Kaz. 

“I know you are the Lieutenant of the Dregs, Kaz Brekker. I know you sent the Wraith to follow me yesterday. I know that Per Haskell is a puppet and you are the puppet master who one day hopes to be the leader of the Dregs but is waiting for the opportune moment. I know that you are an orphaned farm boy who was raised outside of Ketterdam in a village judging by the hint of the rural accent that is audible under your Kerch. I know you came to Ketterdam with someone you loved dearly -  the last of your family members - perhaps an older sibling. Since you are standing here alone, I know that your older sibling must have died in the firepox plague that overwhelmed Ketterdam but somehow you managed to survive and climb up the ladder in the streets, developing an aversion to touch, trust issues, avoidance of friendships, hyper vigilance, protectiveness toward Jesper who possibly reminds of your sibling by the way you look at him and reprimand him and hunger for revenge. You think the world is out to get you and you are distrustful of every single person you come into contact with because you were let down by someone you cared about. You like to think you are detached from weakness but you do care... and the reason I know that is you permanently marked yourself with that tattoo on your wrist... R... it stands for something personal... perhaps a name of someone you care about with love or hate... a reminder to you. I know that you like to pretend you are different from the rest of the criminals in the Barrel by dressing up in black like a mercher and distinguishing yourself away from them but the gloves - they hide something - perhaps your touch aversion? I know your limp is psychosomatic. And just one mention of Pekka Rollins, your face is filled with hatred but you are not competing with him for power - no, your eyes are filled with revenge. It’s personal and you intend to be the last man standing.” 

Kaz’ eyes widened as you began your explanation and analysis of him and he felt completely exposed and slightly frightened when you deducted and observed his weaknesses and shames that the world did not see because he hid it so well from them. Kaz couldn’t breath as he listened to you cleverly and calmly rattle out facts about him that no one else knew but seemed completely transparent and obvious to you and when you finished, Kaz’ knees were slightly wobbly and his grip on his cane was tight as he looked at you with something akin to fear and reverence in his heart. 

Inej and Jesper exchanged slightly anxious looks as they looked at Kaz who had gone completely pale and you grinned and winked at the three of them “That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you’ve earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

Kaz had been shaken to the core and had wondered how you knew about these personal things. The next time he had met you to help you with your investigate, he had been completely cold and threatening as he demanded how you found out his secrets but you simply explained your observations that had led you to conclude your deductions about him. Those observations were sharp and clever, things that the rest of the world were stupid enough to ignore and it had shocked Kaz you were clever and sharp enough to pick up on those little things. 

Though Kaz hadn’t liked how you had first approached him, he understood your value as a person and a member of the Dregs immediately. He knew that he could not let you go because there were a dozen more powerful and cruel men who were willing to get their hands on you and use you unkindly to their advantage. Kaz had enough information on the city to know that Pekka Rollins had a keen eye on your talents and wanted you all to himself. And Kaz was not going to let a dangerous and talented girl like you be Pekka’s property. 

“That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you've earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

You worked undercover as a bargirl and Kaz’ secretary for two weeks in the Crow Club and the Slat. Kaz noticed that you wasted no time in charming everyone and making friends with people who warmed up to you and opened their hearts, confiding their deepest and darkest secrets to you. You were an efficient and effective hard worker who never gave anyone reason to doubt that you were a spy as you observed and worked on the case. There were times you would drive Kaz crazy with your endless playing of the violin at midnight when you needed to think, your coffee addiction that was worse than his and you muttering under your breath, spouting completely random but interesting facts that surprised everyone out of nowhere and sometimes completely zoning out lost in thought ignoring his presence. Kaz found it truly annoying and exasperating but Inej, Nina and Jesper who were slightly patient with you found it amusing that Kaz had found someone worse than him. 

Through his time with you,  Kaz couldn’t believe you were real. Whenever you presented developments in the investigation, there were somethings such an elegant intelligence and raw thought that he had never seen in anyone else. He always would be surprised by your findings because you would up with observations that no one else would think of and was surprisingly accurate. Kaz never showed it but he was in awe of your intelligence and wondered where you had trained your mind to be like this and learned all these things. 

You had found the killer soon enough and suspected that Anika would be the next target. What you hadn’t expected the killer to do was twist his plan and take Inej hostage. Kaz and Jesper had set out to find the killer with the Dregs with your help and you were ordered to stay out of the line of fighting. But the killer had been too smart for Kaz and Jesper planning own traps for them forcing them to watch when he tried to torture Inej under the impression that Inej was Pandora Silvertongue. 

Jesper was full on panicking “PLEASE! LET HER GO! SHE’S NOT PANDORA SILVERTONGUE!”

The killer laughed as he looked at Jesper who was trying to break free “I don’t believe you.”

“You should you know. Pandora Silvertongue is nothing like her.” came a cocky and confident voice out of the dark shadows alarming everyone and getting the attention of the killer.

Inej let out a gasp, Jesper looked around in amazement and shock at your voice that had echoed out of the darkness and Kaz swore his heart jumped out of his chest in alarm and relief with overwhelming emotion that he could not describe. 

“How would you describe her, Mr. Brekker? Beautiful? Intelligent? Resourceful?” your voice asked from the distinct darkness as Kaz had tried to look around trying to search where you possibly might be hiding. 

Kaz had muttered “Disobedient.”

The killer who was one of the new Dregs grinned maniacally “Then you know what I want, don’t you, Silvertongue?”

You had answered as you had taken down one man through the darkness “I believe I do.”

The killer was maniacal at this point as he called out for you as he flashed his knife with a grin when you had appeared out of nowhere and hit the killer with a large brick on his head making the killer fall onto the floor in an unconscious heap as you had rolled your eyes at the killer “Moron.”

You had saved Inej, Jesper and Kaz in time much to their relief. Kaz had seen enough proof that you were worthy of being in the Dregs and offered you a position of the spy in part of the Dregs. You had accepted and from then on, the Crow Club and the Slat had become your home. You had become a loyal ally, a talented spy who was excellent at your job and a close friend to Kaz. Soon Kaz trusted you with the most important missions that you completed brilliantly, valued you as an important part of the Crows and began to see you as a close friend who he liked. 

Kaz prided himself on being someone who had a control over his emotions. After all, he was the most feared man in Ketterdam and his stoic and cold nature required a certain level of control. But when Kaz was with you, he felt something warm flood within him whenever you smiled at him reassuringly and teasingly, he found himself becoming a boy who craved to feel the flutter of his heart whenever you laughed at his dark and dry sense of humor, the reassurance he felt when you stayed up late with him planning heists and cleaning messes after parties. He found his eyes searching for you in the crowded Crow Club and lingering on you for a moment too long as he gazed at your charming and charismatic demeanor that enchanted him. He found your company enjoyable as both of you walked the streets of Ketterdam from the harbor to the marketplace to the Slat and you chatted enthusiastically about anything on your mind as he found himself listening in fondness as he memorized the expressions of your face. He looked forward to the nights where both of you would sit on the roof together gazing at the view of Ketterdam and looking up at the stars as you both shared bottles of whisky and laughed and confided your insecurities, wildest dreams, deepest secrets and untold thoughts to each other as he felt a connection of understanding and trust he had never felt with anyone else. 

Kaz remembered when one day Jesper had dragged him to one of his games where they had to disguise themselves and fool as many Dregs as possible. Kaz and you had been friendly competitive rivals as Kaz promised to beat you in the game. But he had been destroyed when he had only managed to fool two Dregs and you had managed to fool around ten Dregs with your disguise and cover story. 

Kaz walked toward you who was drinking as he scowled “I blew it. I only got through two Dregs.”

“Woah! I got to ten.” you had replied with a playful and sympathetic grin as you looked at him. 

“I can’t believe I lost this stupid game! I was so excited for this. What happened?” exclaimed Kaz as he sat next to you wearing a scowl as he looked completely frustrated. 

“Well, maybe you being excited is what happened. Like every time we’re planning heists, you’re always super intelligent, you take your time, you stay calm and examine every possibility. But every time we do dumb games like this, you get excited and act like a crazy idiot. My advice... don’t act like a crazy idiot.” you replied with an insightful and thoughtful smile as you looked at Kaz with a soft glimmer in your eyes.  

Kaz was surprised at your answer that made him think because it made sense at how perceptive and true it was “Thanks. That was surprisingly wise.”

“Yeah well, motherhood really opens a woman’s eyes. I finally feel as if I’m finally part of something bigger than myself.” you had dramatically said as you touched your fake pregnant belly that was part of your disguise in the game while Kaz rolled his eyes at you and slapped the fake belly in exasperation. 

You placed a protective hand on your fake belly as you gasped dramatically “Hey don’t you dare touch Kazper Jr! That’s right! It’s your baby!”

Kaz had to stop himself from laughing outright as he played along “Are you saying I knocked you up?”

“You sure did!”

Kaz liked it when you were with him. With the rest of the world, he knew you were a gold rush. Everybody wanted to have a taste of you and wanted to know what it would be like to love you. Kaz couldn’t keep his eyes off you because you were an inviting temptation as you flirted and talked with the people with such charismatic and charming sweetness that he felt a flicker of twisted jealousy that crushed him. But when you were with Kaz, though you still teased him with that charming twinkle in your eyes, you displayed a soft sense of vulnerability you never showed to the rest of the world. There was a softness and sweet sincerity in you that you gave Kaz that you never showed the rest of the world and before he could stop himself, Kaz had opened himself and showed his deepest and darkest parts baring himself vulnerable and you had accepted and loved him unconditionally. 

Kaz knew he felt something special for you, something that he never felt for anyone else and something that he couldn’t afford to feel for you in this world. In this world, sentiment was the greatest weakness and it would be used against him by the countless number of enemies who he had made on his way to greatness. So he tried to keep a distance from you as much as he could but there were times he was just drawn to you and he couldn’t stop himself from indulging in your company and worrying about you. 

Before the Ice Court, Kaz had promised Nina that he’d keep an eye on Matthias. So as he searched for Dregs who could infiltrate Hellgate, befriend Matthias and protect him, you had volunteered eagerly. But Kaz had turned down your suggestion feeling something akin to terror of losing you to the darkness and cruelty of Hellgate but when he realized that there was no one else he could truly trust and that you were not backing down from this assignment, he had reluctantly sent you into Hellgate to spy on Matthias. Your absence had been absolutely maddening as the Slat felt cold and empty without you and he worried about your wellbeing in Hellgate. When the chance to break into the Ice Court had arrived, he had seized the opportunity to break you out along with Matthias. 

Kaz remembered when he had reunited with you after your year in Hellgate. You looked completely different, grown up as if you had lived through darkness and survived to tell the tale. But the kind twinkle in your pained eyes was still there as Kaz finally caught up with you and found himself smiling genuinely in relief as he had said “Can I get a free woman a drink?”

The grin you had given him reassured his heavy heart that despite the pain you had endured, you were still completely in sync with him as you said the words he had wanted to say “I missed you, Kaz Brekker.”

You had been by his side through the Ice Court Heist and watched him take down Pekka Rollins as he enjoyed his vengeance on the man who had destroyed his life.

Kaz remembered the aftermath of celebrations when they had overthrown Pekka Rollins and taken Ketterdam to themselves. He had stood with bruises that didn’t seem to hurt but felt victorious and triumphant as he heard Nina, Inej, Wylan, Matthias and you celebrate with Jesper who announced loudly to the Dregs.

“Alright everyone! Pekka Rollins is history, we are absolute legends and we can finally walk freely around Ketterdam!” exclaimed Jesper in an absolutely celebratory mood, feeling blissful as he looked at the Crows who were grinning madly “Who wants waffles?”

You had grinned at Jesper’s infectious mood but had approached Kaz who was staring out of the window at the view of Ketterdam as you looked at Kaz “Hey, you alright? You did it. You finally got your vengeance on Pekka Rollins. 

Kaz’ lips twitched into a small smile as relief and victory blossomed in his chest at his accomplishment and looked at you curiously because he knew if you didn’t have such faith and optimism, he couldn’t have done it “How do you do it Y/N? Keep hoping. Hope is dangerous and it clouds your judgement. And yet after everything you’ve gone through, after everything that happened, everything I did... how did you still manage to hope that it could all work out?”

You smiled gently as your eyes gleamed knowingly and sincerely as you looked at him softly “Because of you. You don’t realize it, Kaz... but you’re actually the most hopeful person I’ve ever met.”

Kaz’ eyes widened as his breath hitched at her unexpected words that he was completely taken aback by as he stared at you in disbelief and surprise seeing only the truth and kindness etched on your face as you said honestly “From the day you crawled out of that harbor having lost everything you ever loved, everyone assumed your place in the world was in the bottom as the weak and lonely, a boy who was defined by loss. But you wished for more. You dared to dream and hope as you worked to climb your way up and gain the power. You dared to hope to succeed in the craziest heists and became someone who everyone feared. You dared to hope to bring down the man who was responsible for your brother’s death.” 

Kaz felt breathless at how you saw him and you smiled at him brightly “Now it’s all over. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Kaz’ lips curled into a soft smile as he looked at you hopefully “I guess in the end, there really is no end. Just new beginnings.” 

You had tended to his injuries patiently with tenderness and kindness he did not deserve. You had saved his life countless times from taking your first gunshot that was meant for him and committing your first murder as you killed a man in cold blood to protect him. 

You had stood by his side through every questionable decision and defended him when you disagreed with him. You had been loyal to him even when he had pushed you away and lashed out at you in a cruel manner. You weren’t afraid to pushing and telling him when he was wrong and cruel with the stubborn and fiery look in your eyes. You had seen his lawless demons and dangerous ghosts that haunted him but had understood him and helped him work through it. You had seen him as the darkest demon who was dangerous and cruel and yet loved the monster within him. You knew about how he struggled with touch from the very beginning but never questioned or mocked it but simply allowed Kaz to take it slow as he started it with simple fleeting brushing of shoulders to soft fingers interlocking with each other and holding hands to the feeling of being close to you without drowning in the waters. 

You were unlike any other woman he had ever met. 

Kaz sighed as he buried his head in his hands as he remembered when it all went wrong. He had an important mission that required him to retrieve information and steal a valuable documents from the vault hidden in a highly guarded mansion of one of the merchers in Ketterdam. The mercher had a reputation for throwing lavish parties to make connections and relationships so Kaz had decided to ask you to be his pretend wife so they could disguise themselves as guests and get into the vault. 

Kaz’s eyes had flickered toward you when you had entered into his office. He had pretended to be busy but the truth was you had a way of making him painfully aware of every breath you took and every smile you flashed as you brought a warm light into his cold life and he informed you of what he needed. You had grown completely silent and your smile had vanished slightly concerning Kaz who raised his eyebrows at you waiting for your answer.

“No.” you had replied curtly and crisply as you had looked away from Kaz. “Ask Inej or Nina. Or -”

“Y/N... I want you.” Kaz had replied softly as he had slipped out of his seat and stood in front of you “You and I work well together. We make a good team together. And you are the only one I trust for this.” 

His gloved fingers had brushed against yours as he looked deeply at you waiting for your answer and you had surprised him as you smiled at him warmly as red dust scattered on your cheeks and you replied “Ask me properly and I might say yes.”

Kaz had smiled genuinely as he watched you walk away. Later, you were working late into the night with him as both of you were looking through information on a mercher that Kaz wanted to rob. Both of you dug into boxes of information that you had found of books, letters, documents, and photographs of the mercher’s life. As Kaz and you sat side by side enjoying the comforting silence of the moment, and Kaz found a photograph of two lovers laughing on the porch of their old house. It felt hard to explain but in that photograph, he saw himself and you living that life.

You had looked over at him with a small smile as your eyes flickered at the photograph “They look very happy. They must have loved each other very much.”

Kaz looked at you and he felt time stand still as he couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt in that moment with you as he felt breathless staring into your enchanting and warm eyes and finally broke the silence as he asked “Y/N, do you want to dance with me?”

You had blushed but your smile was answer enough as you had accepted his gloved hand. Kaz’ lips twitched into a smile as he felt your hand rest upon his gently and your other arm holding onto his shoulder gently as he ran his hand softly along your waist and placed it on the small of your back. His breath hitched as he looked at your tender and sweet eyes that twinkled brilliantly as both of you began to dance around the room to the slow and romantic music echoing from downstairs as the rain splattered outside. 

At first, Kaz hated that he was nervous and clumsy tripping over himself and stepping on your toes. He was the Bastard of the Barrel who had humiliated and overthrown Pekka Rollins and now ruled Ketterdam inspiring fear with intimidation and violence and yet he couldn’t properly dance with the girl he possibly liked. 

You had grinned brightly much to Kaz’ mortification at his mistakes as he stepped on your toes once again and you offered “Hey, do you want me to teach you how to do this so you don’t hurt me or possibly yourself?”

Kaz had flushed a bright red in mortification as he had nodded “Yes.”

“Hold your back straight. Now you will lead and I will follow. And now one, two, three...” you began softly with a tender and encouraging smile as you let Kaz guide you across the floor and much to his surprise as Kaz followed the gentle hum of your words, Kaz found himself dancing without causing you any grievous injuries. 

Kaz felt his breath hitch and his heart race as he danced with you smoothly and his eyes flickered down to ensure his feet were not going to hurt you when you instructed him gently “Look into my eyes. Dancing is seeing one another for who they really are, understanding and trusting each other. That’s why I love it.”

Kaz had looked into your eyes and had seen you who had always been there for him through thick and thin and had changed him in the most unimaginable ways as he murmured softly “I see you.”

You had sucked in a breath as your eyes had grown wide but you had smiled softly and joyfully “You dance incredibly.”

“All because I have a talented teacher.” replied Kaz smoothly with a soft smile as he spun you around as you chuckled. 

Kaz had never felt so light-hearted and happy as he spun you around and held you in his arms as both of danced perfectly together in harmony. Kaz knew it felt foolish to give in so easily to how he was feeling but in this moment, he didn’t care as light and humor danced in his eyes feeling weightless, all the burdens and worries he carried washed away as he held you in his arms as you glowed in happiness and laughter. 

Kaz felt free and weightless laughing in delight as you spun him around as you laughed in amusement, breaking rules of dancing but he didn’t care because he knew this moment with you was right and wanted this forever. He couldn’t let go of this perfect moment where the stars had aligned and everything felt just good to be true as Kaz spun you around and dipped you down, his hand supporting your back, stopping you from falling. You held onto his shoulder trusting him to hold you and never let you fall and break. Kaz pulled you up once as you held onto his gloved hand and his nose brushed against your forehead swaying to the soft and romantic song echoing through the Slat as both of you stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. 

“Y/N...” murmured Kaz as his eyes fluttered open, memorizing every inch of your face and committing you to memory afraid you would vanish if he let you go “Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?” 

Your heart rate escalated through the roof and your eyes had widened in surprise as you stared at him in speechless amazement as he took out a ring that had a crow with a R engraved on it as he held your hand tightly in his “Marry me, Y/N and be my partner in crime for life.”

Kaz saw you chuckle and smile at him as you nodded “Yes. I’ll be your partner in crime for life, Kaz Brekker.”

“Kaz Rietvald.” confessed Kaz softly, his voice barely a whisper as he looked at you vulnerably “Kaz Rietvald is my real name. The name of the boy who came to Ketterdam with hopes of making it with his brother. The name of the boy who died in the harbor that day.”

You had looked at him with understanding and sincerity as he swallowed a lump of emotion and confessed “But when I’m with you... I feel like Kaz Rietvald once again. The boy who believed in magic and beauty of the world.”

“Kaz...” you had murmured as you looked at the ring that held great meaning for you now and then at Kaz with so much you wanted to say to him but he shook his head as he placed a soft and fleeting kiss on your hand. 

“Y/N...” he whispered as he slipped the ring onto your hand with his own trembling hands and then placed a sweet and tender kiss on your forehead “You are the reason.”

The reason that he was alive. The reason that he still felt alive. The reason that he looked forward to waking up every day. The reason that he paid attention to all the magical little things you did. The reason he felt worry whenever you were hurt and wounded. The reason that he dared to dream once again. 

From there on, Kaz had felt connected to you in a way that he hadn’t before. He had wanted to practice perfecting the image of pretending to be an engaged couple so he encouraged both of you to do little things that couples do. But it was easy to forget that Kaz was pretending when he hid sincere love notes inside your room, replaced the wilting flowers in your room with your favorite flowers and left little gifts for you. It was easy for Kaz to forget that you were not his to lose when he found little notes filled with jokes and small affirmations inside his files, his favorite books annotated with your thoughts and sentences highlighted that reminded you of him, flowers pressed to the pages.

It was easy to get lost in the act of being your husband when he exchanged knowing and lingering glances with you in secret, whenever he would feel the twisted dark feeling of jealousy when he saw any man look at you in the wrong way, when you bought coffee made exactly how he liked it in the mornings and when he was working late. It was easy to forget that you weren’t his lover when both of you worked late until night, your head resting on his lap as he ran his hand through your hair smiling down at you as you read your books, when he listened to you play the violin, when he shared meals with you and cuddled with you relishing the comfortable silence and teasing each other and confiding his secrets in you.

It was easy to forget that you were not his wife when he had seen you laughing in amusement, your eyes gleaming brightly and his lips had met yours passionately and tenderly as time stood still and his heart beat violently out of his ribcage when you had kissed him back with equal tenderness and desire. It was easy to forget that this was all just an act when he would indulge in the pleasure of nipping your earlobe and placing a trail of kisses from your cheek to your neck and collarbone taking his time to taste you and feel your body tremble underneath his touch. 

It was easy to forget it all because you were easy to fall in love with deeply and madly until it was too late for him to back out. 

When the day came for the party, he had dressed up and you appeared in front of him making him speechless as his eyes widened because you were a breathtaking sight to behold. You were wearing an off the shoulder satin long emerald green dress that hugged your curves perfectly. You were wearing simple pearl earrings, your hair braided into loose waves and your cheeks pink and your lips ruby red as you smiled at Kaz. 

Kaz had placed his hand on the small of your back as he guided you away and whispered into your ear “You look beautiful.”

You had blushed when you felt his lips brush against the nape of your neck as you squeezed his hand gently “You don’t look so bad yourself”

At the party, everyone was full of admiration for Kaz and you as a couple. Kaz and you socialized with the crowd of aristocrats, merchers and businessmen as you charmed them with your signature charisma that got enough information for Kaz. Though Kaz was not much of a social creature, he observed you morphing into the form that you needed to take in order to charm and lure your target into giving you what you wanted. 

As the time drew near for them to rob the vault, Kaz and you were talking with a few ladies and gentlemen who were very impressed with the both of you, the affectionate and loving couple and one woman had asked Kaz how he knew you were the one for him. 

Kaz had frozen at the question but his panic had disappeared as soon as it had come as he tightened his arm around your waist as he replied to his surprise with the truth of his heart “She makes me laugh. She’s smart, kind and funny and accepting of who I am. She’s truly the kind of woman who comes once in a lifetime. She’s beautiful and impossible. The way we got here was unexpected. But no matter how I think about it... we were meant to be. And the more time I spend with her, I know that I don’t want to lose her.”

Everyone cooed over the answer but you had frozen at Kaz’ answer as you looked at him in amazement and surprise but Kaz didn’t meet your eyes. The lady was insistent on knowing what you liked so much about Kaz that you knew you had to marry him. You wanted to hit that woman with the tray of champagne because she was putting you in a very awkward position at the moment. 

“He is... well, one night we were just gazing at the stars and talking when I looked over at him and it struck me that he is my closest friend. He’s awesome, intelligent, strong, brave and protects those who he cares about. How could I not want to be with him?” you had replied easily and sincerely with a tender and sweet smile shocking Kaz who had not expected such an answer that sounded terrifyingly real. 

Both of you had escaped the crowd and made it to the vault in time. You had distracted the guards while Kaz broke into the vault and took what he needed. Both of you were on the verge of an escape when both of you heard footsteps heading your way. Kaz had looked at you with desperation and desire as he had pushed you against the wall but before you could say anything, his lips were moving against yours passionately and fiercely, roughly and hungrily devouring you as his hands explored your body and sparks flew within him as you kissed him back with fierce passion and overwhelming emotion as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer toward you. 

Kaz couldn’t stop. He knew what he felt for you was a weakness. And if anything, you felt the same way about him too. And Kaz was secretly ecstatic that you felt the same way toward him. But Kaz had realized as he broke into the vault, he was a criminal. He was Kaz Brekker, the King of Ketterdam, the Bastard of the Barrel who had no weakness and who could not afford to love anyone. Kaz had realized the true harsh reality that he could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. He was not a man made for love. He was a monster created for chaos and cruelty. And you were weakening him, bringing his softer and vulnerable side that he had hidden from the world for so long. He couldn’t let it happen. As Kaz kissed you, he kissed you goodbye as he held you in his arms trying to keep you with him for a bit longer but he knew he had to end it before the world ended him. 

The guards who had been patrolling cleared their throats when they had seen you and Kaz and you had narrowly escaped their scrutiny and attention as a very handsy couple. When both of you had left the party, Kaz hardened his heart ignoring your pleasant conversation and then your inquiring questions. It didn’t take you long to notice this sudden change in Kaz who had grown cold and distant from you. 

“Kaz!” you had snapped as you shoved him getting his attention “What is wrong with you? What’s going on?”

“Y/N... I’m not your fucking husband, so stop nagging me!” snarled Kaz harshly, the softness in his eyes completely gone as he looked at you coldly “It’s over. We completed our mission. I got what I needed.”

Kaz started walking away because he didn’t want to see your fallen face when he heard your trembling voice speak up “Is that it?”

“Is that what? Did you think this was real? It was just a game... part of a mission.” replied Kaz coldly, his eyes flashing with harshness as he began to break the one thing he was falling in love with. 

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. I don’t believe you. I know you feel the same way I do, Kaz.” you had replied with a trembling and shaky voice that you tried to keep strong as you looked at him with a pained expression “You - please don’t do this. You can’t just do this to us and then run away from all these feelings because you are scared.”

“Scared? Y/N, I don’t love you. You are an investment to me.” replied Kaz cruelly and harshly shoving down the voice screaming that he was lying as he glared at you. “You are nothing to me!”

You remembered how safe you felt with Kaz and how he had always assured you that you belonged and had a home with him as you felt everything you thought you knew burn once again into ashes as your heart shattered into pieces at the words carelessly and brutally uttered by Kaz and you sucked a breath as you looked at him in disbelief and heartbreak “You don’t love me?”

Kaz answered with cold silence that rang loudly among both of you and he could hear your heart shattering into pieces and had to hold onto looking at how your once bright and happy face now fell into an expression of shocked disbelief and pained suffering as you tried to understand how your world could quickly fall apart. Kaz couldn’t bear to look at your pained expression any longer so he decided to walk away from you, to leave you alone and save himself from the pain. 

“I don’t believe you. Two hours ago, at that party, you wanted me. You were in love with me, Kaz. All these months, you made me believe we could share something special.” you called out, your voice shattered and hurt but there was a sliver of spite and anger in it that stopped him within his tracks as he closed his eyes and stiffened because he was losing you because this had to end “But we can never be that because you put yourself above everyone and within you is -”

 “Is what? A cold monstrous dark dead heart?” snapped Kaz clenching his jaw as he turned around to look at you with a dark and cold look in his eyes as he thought of how everything they had built up on a shaky ground was now falling apart “I thought you knew better by now. I don’t have a heart, Y/N.”

“Who knows? Because you never show anyone who you are!” you had spat out with tears in your eyes as you looked at Kaz with hurt and pain. “You aren’t letting me in, Kaz!”

“Nothing good comes from loving people! Everyone leaves in the end. I intend to live my life knowing that I have no weakness that my enemies will not exploit against me and knowing that I have no one who loves me mourning for me when I’m gone wishing every single moment that I would come back for them!” yelled Kaz fiercely, his eyes flashing with powerless reminiscence of a destroyed childhood and suffering that had made him monstrous as he looked at you knowing that he couldn’t afford to love you, not when he was weakened with you, not when he could never give you peace. 

“Well then, I love you! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” you had screamed at him hysterically, tears rolling down your eyes as you felt nothing but piercing heartbreak and completely broken at how casually cruel and brutal he was being breaking you into pieces. 

Kaz’ breath hitched as he froze at your confession, his heart skipping a beat traitorously with hope and happiness but he collected himself reminding himself that both of you could never have a shot in the dark because he was too damaged to be loved by you as his lips curled into a cruel sneer “You disgust me! It’s too bad for you that I don’t love you. That you didn’t make the cut into my heart. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“You - you shouldn’t have let me in! You shouldn’t have made me feel safe with you! You shouldn’t have made me feel like I belong with you and the Dregs are my home!” you had snapped in unbearable pain that burned every inch of you as you gasped through a broken sob and looked at Kaz who looked so pretty like the devil through the tears as you slapped him “Because now it’s far too late!”

Kaz felt the sting of the slap but your words lashed across his heart more than the pain of the slap. He clenched his jaw as he felt his heart bleed in unbearable pain as he looked at you in hurt and wistfulness. He wanted to take back all his cruel words that broke you and crumpled you but he knew he couldn’t do that. 

And as Kaz looked at you, he wanted you more than anything in the world. More than all the kruge and the most beautiful paintings and precious jewels that he spent his life chasing to steal. Kaz was painfully aware of the aching desire he had to call you only his and to come home to your bright smile and tender heart every single day. Kaz wanted more than anything to hold your hand through life and death and to love you with all your scars and bruises and protect you from the rest of the world. Kaz had never felt this kind of powerful love and aching desire for anyone in his life, the kind that made him want to live each moment and love fearlessly. He wanted you so much that he was afraid that what he shared with you could bring him back to life as Kaz Rietvald or break him down.

Kaz loved you. Kaz had so much love inside him that he wanted to give you but he was terrified of how much you meant to him and what he would do to the world if you ever were hurt. As Kaz looked at the moonlight shining upon you, Kaz believed in Saints who had created the most perfect punishment fitting for him. For he was a monster, and it was only fitting for a monster never to hold and have what he loved the most in this world. 

Kaz felt you sense his reluctance and desire for you as you took his hand in yours and caressed his cheek gently as he was hypnotized by your tender eyes as he stared at the one that he loved and dreamed of as you softly and earnestly confessed “Kaz...I know you are scared. I’m terrified too. But I want you. I love you with all your flaws and scars, Kaz. Don’t give up on us. So let’s stop pretending and do this for real.”

Kaz’ breath hitched as he leaned toward you, drawn in like a moth to a flame. He could feel your breath fanning against his cheek as he inhaled in your intoxicating perfume and felt your hot skin against his lips that longed to kiss you. His eyes fluttered shut and his heart was racing inhumanely as his mind forgot to remind him that you were a bad idea. You were an addiction he couldn’t yet give up on and wanted more and more until he was completely satisfied. Kaz had an inkling he would always be wanting more of you as his hand held the nape of your neck wondering how something that was so rationally wrong could feel so perfectly right. 

He did not ask for this. He did not ask for you in his life. You were beautiful, intelligent, dynamic, wonderful and brighter than fireworks in the night sky. Kaz did not ask to be plagued by these feelings for you, to be driven to distraction every time you entered a room. 

“Say you want me like I want you maddeningly.” your voice whispered as your breath fanned his cheek, and Kaz couldn’t breath or think as he was lost in his storm of feelings for you as his lips lingered close enough toward yours eager to taste you.

But your words jolted him from this madness as he took a deep breath and stumbled back from you, realizing that he had been giving into his weaknesses and he breathed heavily trying to compose himself. What had he been thinking? What was he doing? This wasn’t fair and - this wasn’t right. Kaz ran his hand through his hair as he convinced himself that this wasn’t love, this was a distraction, a fleeting infatuation that would pass with time. You were not going to be his destruction. Kaz felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he convinced himself that he was not the one for you. You deserved someone better, someone who was not broken and damaged who would only bring you down. 

“I don’t love you. You were a pleasant distraction from my work.” replied Kaz firmly and coldly as his heart cried out at the lie but he knew it had to be done as he looked you in the eye “This isn’t a fairytale, Y/N. I am your employer and you are my Dreg. So stop being delusional and be what I need you to be and do what I need you to do.”

Then it had taken everything in Kaz to walk away leaving you alone in the dark, the masterpiece of what they had torn apart as you felt alone, tears of heartbreak and pain running down your cheeks. 

It hadn’t taken long for everyone else to notice what had gone wrong between you and Kaz. Both of you had been inseparable, never one without another and now both of you were distant and apart. Kaz kept his distance coldly and cruelly from you refusing to listen and talk to you as you tried to fight for them again and again and the brightness in your eyes began to fade away slowly as you wondered where you had gone wrong as you sat in the dark choking on your sobs dying inside of pain and heartbreak. 

Kaz didn’t know that you were trying to hold onto him as you stayed in your room. After a while, you stopped coming to see Kaz but your presence lingered with him as he heard you play the violin, vulnerable, soft and sad, melancholy heart tugging and heart breaking melodies that would float through the Slat down to the streets. The melodies you played were piercingly agonizing, beautifully emotional and reminded Kaz every single moment of the memories he had shared with you, the unconditional joy he had felt in your presence and now the sorrow that ached within him at your absence as tears sprung into his eyes. He wasn’t the only one affected by your emotional performances. One of the most toughest Dregs who was violent had burst into tears when he had heard you performing a heartbreaking farewell song. 

One day, Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer as he quietly walked toward your room as his eyes fell on you facing the window playing an achingly sad and sweet melody that touched Kaz’ cold heart feeling that your melody was a breathtaking story that never got a happy ending. 

“Is it a sad song?” asked Kaz softly as he lingered at the door, his eyes full of sadness and curiosity when you had finished playing and he noted that you didn’t look surprised at his presence. 

“Nothing is sad until its over. Then everything is.” you replied quietly and contemplatively, your eyes full of grief and heartbreak as you looked at him with a sliver of hope in your heart. 

Kaz had felt a lump of emotion swell up in his throat as he tried to speak but he was too lost in your eyes that mirrored how he felt and you took a step toward him “Kaz... I just wanted to say -”

“Y/N - I just came to say it’s enough.” said Kaz clearing his throat and taking hold of himself as he took on the coldness and harshness against you who looked slightly confused “Enough of your melancholy whining and playing the violin! It’s a headache and distracting all of us from doing important things.”

Kaz had watched you freeze in shock at his order, your eyes burning bright in disbelief and hurt and Kaz knew it that you loved playing on your violin. Your violin was the most precious possession in the world to you and you would never give up your violin to save yourself. You loved playing music on your violin more than anything in the world and to hear Kaz order you to stop playing the violin was an equivalent to ordering you drown yourself and kill yourself. 

The despair and grief in your eyes flashed into cold anger as you gripped your violin protectively “You once looked me in the eyes and told me that you would be by my side until the end. But it’s wonderful to see that you are okay being a liar who wants everything to revolve around you. I guess my pain - the pain you caused is such an imposition to you.”

“Y/N... I’m sick of you! So please stop playing the violin! If you so much as play a note on that stupid thing, I will burn it!” exclaimed Kaz who had felt anger that derived out of guilt and self - loathing as he glared at you with lightning in his eyes. 

Kaz saw you were paralyzed with shock at his cruel words that he suddenly regretted as he looked at your grief-stricken expression but he didn’t want to stay and dwell on it as he turned away but as he took a few steps away from you, he heard you say in disappointment and sadness “I thought you might be different than the rest of the monsters in this world. But I guess you are all the same.”

Kaz had frozen but before his anger could get the best of him, he had marched to his office. You had looked down at the streets of Ketterdam that were haunted by your father who had come before you, your brother who you had lost to the cruelty of this city and the one person you had always felt like you belonged in this godforsaken city had abandoned you making you feel unspeakably lonely and terrified, unbearably heartbroken and hurt. You had been the phoenix in this city rising from the ashes every single time they burned you but you were getting tired of rising and fighting like it was nothing. Kaz had dealt the final blow. 

When Nina had offered to take you with her, you had not hesitated. Kaz had been surprised that you had accepted and something in him wanted to stop you from leaving to Ravka. But he stayed silent as you packed your bags and left for Ravka with Nina without saying goodbye to him as he had the deadly sinking feeling that he was losing you. 

Kaz had expected that he wouldn’t miss you at all. After all, it was good that you were far away from him as possible and it would give him time to move from this disaster. But the air was thick with loss and indecision as he realized the truth of the saying that you never knew what you had until it was gone. Kaz had thought your absence would only satisfy him and give him the satisfaction that he was right all along.

But Kaz had been completely, utterly, tragically wrong. 

Because after you had left, everything seemed empty and wrong to Kaz. Your absence could be felt in every single vein in Kaz’ body and your absence taunted him as he felt the little things about your presence in his life. His office that had once been full of light and warmth, a place of shelter from the cruelty of the world where he shared sacred moments of sincere smiles and easy conversations with you had now become cold and dark, empty of your vivid intelligence and easy laughter that lit it up as Kaz stared frozen at the blueprints, maps, documents, contracts that didn’t make any sense to him any longer. Your scent of sharp jasmine and comforting pages of books lingered on his pillow that he buried his head into every night trying to hold onto you as he missed you terribly. Kaz missed your incredible intelligence and imagination that saw the world through different eyes and observed things that everyone else missed. Kaz felt your absence ache terribly at the lack of beautiful, magical and lovely music that you would play on your violin during the most random and inconvenient times of the day when you needed to think. Kaz missed the little things from the little soft and knowing smile you had reserved only for him, the midnight conversations that made them smile and cry, the afternoons you would come back from your favorite café to share coffee and pastries with him, your furrowed brow when you were focused on sketching, and the playfulness and childlike innocence you exuded brightening his life. 

Kaz couldn’t bear your absence that echoed in this godforsaken city of Ketterdam. Ketterdam, the city that used to be a reminder of Jordie was now driving Kaz mad by screaming your name everywhere Kaz went. Kaz couldn’t walk past and live in this city of blood that was now haunted by you as he was reminded of you in each place from your room that used to be scattered with papers, books and boards that were marked with ongoing investigations but now was empty of activity, the marketplace you frequented bargaining with the vendors driving them to despair, the bookshops in the University District you lingered in for long hours, the Crow Club where you laughed and drank with the Crows sharing intimate and secret glances with Kaz, the library where you loved to read losing track of time, the waffle house where you and Nina loved to eat waffles, the hot chocolate stand where you and Kaz would always buy and drink hot chocolate after a heist or a job or whenever they passed it by, the crowded canals where you liked to sit and sketch landscapes of Ketterdam, the harbor shore where you liked to run into the sea and jump around in the waves childishly and freely and the bar your friend Steve owned where Kaz had first met you. 

Your seat at the table was empty and no one in the Dregs dared to sit on it. Everyone in the Dregs missed you too. Jesper didn’t frequent the Slat often and when he did was restless and anxious, Wylan was quiet and thoughtful as he worked on his bombs but when something went wrong, he would be frustrated and once snapped in anger at one of the innocent newly recruited Dregs because no one else except you understood him and his love for inventions. Inej prayed daily to her Saints to keep you and Nina safe, posted letters all the Crows and the Dregs wrote to you, sent you little trinkets, and tidied your room replacing the wilted flowers and arranging it. Matthias would try to raise everyone’s spirits as he reminisced of good times with you making everyone smile and laugh and encouraging the Dregs to keep going but inside he was worried for your wellbeing since you were the first friend he had from Hellgate until now. 

Kaz also was subjected to high sass levels of incredibly frustrated and angry intelligent, skilled and protective teenagers and your friends in the Dregs who were first seen by you and touched by your kindness to them in the streets and were forever in your debt for giving them a home and a purpose. This was the worst punishment yet for hurting you and he wished that he had never done anything to you because the revenge from the kids and friends in the Dregs who loved you was worse than any humiliation he had been subjected to. 

He had once come down in the morning to get coffee but the last of the coffee was taken by the dark haired, sassy kid called Hari who had marched into the kitchen completely covered in blood as he held an axe and glared at Kaz as he marched away with the jug of coffee, never letting Kaz get coffee at any given moment. The red head named Betty who was completely mad at Kaz had arranged to deliver the most distasteful cakes that tasted horrible to him every single day with the most hurtful and imaginative sayings on the top ranging from ‘IT’S GARBAGE DAY. CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE A WHOLE DAY DEDICATED TO YOU’, ‘SORRY YOU ARE SUCH A HATEFUL BITCH’, ‘YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE’, and a cake with a middle finger on it that said ‘YOUR LOSS’. There were three kids named Tony, Sabrina and James who helped you with your investigations and whenever Kaz ordered them to do anything, they would defy him sassily by shrugging him off and not taking him seriously. There were two twins named Rob and Hal who pranked Kaz every single day after he had broken your heart, nearly driving Kaz crazy but Kaz could never trace the prank back to them but Kaz knew it was them when they smirked in amusement whenever they saw Kaz covered with glitter and pink confetti or Kaz’ hair completely blonde and purple. The curly haired boy named Joe who you had given all your waffles to on that terribly hungry day would replace Kaz’ gloves with brightly colored, crazily patterned leather gloves, hide Kaz’ documents in places where Kaz couldn’t find them, replace Kaz’ coats with bright and colorful coats, redecorate Kaz’ cane into silly shapes and replaced Kaz’ perfume with a spray that made Kaz smell like rotten eggs for days. A medik you trusted and had taken into the Dregs named Hungyun would sharpen his blades and recite facts about surgeries and how to dispose of a body whenever Kaz passed him by so Kaz avoided him all together.

Matthias who had noticed Jesper’s restlessness, Wylan’s frustration, Inej’s worry and the Dregs’ sass had gathered them for a project to cheer you up by making an album about how much you meant to them and soon all of them enthusiastically joined in the creative venture. The only thing that calmed all the Dregs and Crows from starting a revolution was your letters to them that kept them happy that you were doing fine. 

Kaz received your letters and he read them the moment he received them. You wrote so beautifully about Ravka and how it was so different to Ketterdam. Every letter was a piece of you that he clung onto as he read it over and over again, tracing your elegant yet messy handwriting full of enthusiasm and sadness as you described everything in vivid detail, put down your own thoughts and confessed how much you missed him and couldn’t forget him no matter how hard you tried. Kaz tried to write back but every time he tried to write, words failed him as emotions overwhelmed him because he didn’t know where to start and he knew if he wrote back and really confronted how he felt, he would be giving into weakness. He couldn’t afford to be weak. So he wrote the letters he wanted to write to you secretly and locked it away and read your letters over and over again never sending you a response hoping that in time you would forget him. 

But the thought of losing you terrified him. Because that was kind of heartbreak time could never mend. Kaz could never feel this kind of love for anyone again and though he was adamant in holding onto strength of not giving into his weakness, he never wanted you to leave him for another because it petrified and terrified him. He could never walk the streets of Ketterdam again if you were not by his side. 

Kaz knew he had to do something when he dreamed of you and started seeing visions of you in broad daylight. The first time Kaz had seen you in broad daylight was when he was supervising the Crow Club and he had seen you laughing in the Crow Club and you winked at him with that charming and knowing manner that always made him blush and his eyes widened in wonder and disbelief because he couldn’t believe you had come back so soon but then you vanished. Kaz had blinked in confusion realizing that he had hallucinated you but that was just the beginning. When Kaz had been walking down the street, he had heard you call out his name cheerfully and his heart had soared in traitorous hope as he swerved to look in the direction where he heard your voice and saw that it was you with your sweet disposition and bright eyes running toward him with wind in your hair and his knees had almost given out but then the vision of you disappeared as a girl ran past him to hug her lover behind him. Kaz tried to shut you out but you were impossible. You were in his head and you didn’t leave. He saw you sitting in his office looking at him in disappointment and anger, tears of sadness rolling down your cheeks as you begged him to love you. 

Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer. Kaz didn’t care how long Nina had said she would be gone with you. Kaz needed you with him. Kaz wanted you with him because he couldn’t live without you since this was hell. Kaz pulled out a new paper and wrote a letter to you ordering you to come back home to him because he couldn’t live like this any longer. He hoped that once you got the letter, you would not hesitate to come back. 

After all Ketterdam was your home. Ketterdam was where you belonged. Ketterdam was where he was. There was nothing special tying you to Ravka. 

As Kaz sent the letter, he looked at the sun setting down on the horizon and muttered with all the sincerity and piercing agony in his heart as he remembered the rare masterpiece he shared with you, remembered you all too well “I miss you, Y/N. Come back to me.”

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[jahayla-parker]

💭Headcanon: send in a character and a scenario or type of reader to get a bullet point list of thoughts on it.

okay okay, kaz brekker x sister!reader

Kaz Brekker's Sister Headcannons

I feel like his sister would be the youngest (born after both Jordie and Kaz). 'Cause part of his trauma is being afraid to rely on someone older who he thought would take care of him.

Running with that thought, Kaz would take that ^^^ type of role towards his sister very seriously. He vowed he wouldn’t let her down the way Jordie let him down (don’t come for me! His internal thoughts mention this frustration in the books so it’s canon).

We know Kaz is obviously very protective over those he cares about, which would undoubtedly extend to his sister. But, his role as the older brother added to that. And his disappointment and anger towards Jordie’s role in what happened ask those years ago, added to that as well; he wasn’t going to do that to his sister.

Although, he knew it wasn’t something he could prevent. Since it already happened to her once; the same day it happened to him. Jordie was her older brother as well. But Kaz nevertheless vowed to never let her down.

Kaz vowed to never make her have to worry about or even question having a roof over her head, a warm room to sleep in, food , etc.

He kept a healer on hand should she get sick ever (even so much as a cold). He wasn’t taking any chances. While he refused to let healers touch him he required it for her wellbeing.

She never had to worry about her safety. He’d taught her how to defend herself, how to fight, kill, etc.

He kept her from having to experience the financial difficulties he was old enough to experience due to Jordie’s deal with Rollins and as they aged, he made sure it stayed that way now that she was old enough to be able to know if that was the case as he made sure they always had enough funds saved up and the means to get more some should it be needed.

Kaz would’ve been so upset when his sister became ill, to the point it inadvertently made himself much sicker from stress.

Kaz tried to do whatever he could to get her feeling better, giving any scraps of sustenance to her instead of taking his portion/share and using their only blanket to cover more of her body by not covering any of his.

It would only have driven his anger against Pekka even further because he not only lost his older brother, he almost lost his little sister and he watched her suffer the loss of jordie as well

Given she was so young (given the age gap between Jordie and Kaz at the time of incident, I’m assuming she’s roughly 7 ish), it was a lot to process and try to make sense of

And poor Kaz wasn’t much better at that; certainly not to the point he’d be able to be much help for her in this area

As such, he resorted to simply helping raise her as if this new life was simply how their lives had always been

Because he’d used the blanket on her and not himself, and had literally given her some of the clothing off his back to keep her from freezing to death, she’d managed to survive the night.

In fact, while her body was too hypothermic to wake up when the medics came through and took her brothers, she was fortunate enough to be just warm enough to not be considered dead the way Kaz was, and as such, wasn’t dumped in the harbor with Jordie.

As such, she didn't develop the trauma with touch like Kaz

But, it was her presence on land that truly drove Kaz’s survival.

His body was giving up and he wanted nothing more than to just give in

And he especially didn’t want to have to use his brother’s body as a flotation mechanism in order to survive

But his vengeance and his inherent need to protect his little sister drove him

We know Kaz is shit when it comes to being around sick people now (understandably) but the one exception would be his sister should she fall ill.

That’s not to say he wasn’t still horrible at handling it, or that he wouldn’t go into a full on panic spiral at the tiniest sign of her getting sick

But, he was also unable to pull himself from her side until she healed.

He refused to ever risk being away from her while she was ill ever again.

As far as his touch phobia, that undoubtedly extended to his sister as well, although he truly hated himself for it (more so than when it came to his touch phobia in general).

But, it was out of his control. Besides things got better with time.

It started rough and killed his spirit each time when his little 7yr old sister wanted to hold her surviving brother’s hand while walking through the “scary” streets of the Barrel or otherwise simply sought physical comfort from him.

Especially because he’d once been able to offer that to her and he knew she was old enough to remember that and he saw the clear proof of that in her sad eyes every time he pulled away

But by that point, he’d suffered the worst of it. So he knew they’d power through

The worst was when he made it back to her and he’d had to explain to her that jordie was not coming back. As if her sobs and screams weren’t painful enough for Kaz, she tried to cling onto him for support, only to find herself confused and more distraught when he scrambled away

With time, the two orphans inevitably took over the town.

At first Kaz wouldn’t let his sister get involved

Until he realized that was futile, especially if he wanted her to start safe

He had caught her defiantly trying to help on her own, so he eventually caved and taught her everything she needed to now how to do and brought her into the business

Inej and Kaz’s interaction about crows was actually similar to what happened with his sister years before and that’s what made him choose to name their new elite crewmembers and dare his sister say friends, his crows.

Kaz used his power in the Barrel to create a safety shield around his sister

He knew she was a vulnerability to him and in turn was at risk by association, so most people didn’t know she was his sister

She’d been hurt at first when he told her this was how they’d go about their new life, after all, she was so young and didn’t understand but he did it for her sake

And if people did find out about them being siblings, they’d assume that she and Kaz must not be as close as normal siblings because they saw the business relationship only and assumed that’s all there was between them even when finding out about the blood relation (it helped that Kaz always made a name for himself as someone who didn’t care about anyone else), which worked to keep people from using her as bait or something against Kaz. Which was what he’d masterminded of course.

She was 7 so she didn’t understand the need to change their last names and start fresh but she trusted Kaz fully

She is and was the only person he ever took flack from and or allowed/allows to yell or argue etc with him but only in private

Kaz knew his sister would be struggling with Jordie’s death, as he himself was and still is

But he knew he was not going to be much help

He did as much as he could, if she’d suffered anxiety or panic attacks, he was there to offer verbal assistance and support

And he helped her take part in getting revenge for what they went through

But he couldn’t talk about it. It was still too much and talking was no longer a strength of his.

He couldn’t talk to her when she was younger as he needed her to simply follow along with what he said and believe this was just the way things went all along

But as they got older he still found himself unable to talk to her about it

But that’s why he finally told Inej just enough for her to know that his sister would be having similar issues as him since she was so worried about his behaviors and in turn, he knew Inej would go to her and be able to offer the support he couldn’t

Again, I could go on and on, but I loved this idea!

Kaz Taglist: @dil3mma @directioner5life @ell0ra-br3kk3r @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @winstonthecow22 @alex-kazbrekkersimp @wolfmoonmusic @phoenix666stuff @kentucky-criedfricken @twlegit @valeridarkness @shara-ne @crazyhearttragedy @opheliaofficial07 @historynerd77 @missdreamofendless @nikfigueiredo @el-de-phi @adalia-jaycee @bookloverfilmoholic @beekeepingageissome

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[restinslices]

Mortality

Jesper Fahey x Spouse (no gender specified) Word count: 2150 Summary: You and Jesper aged differently. You aged as any Otkazat’sya did. Jesper on the other hand is Grisha and ages much slower. As your mortality gets closer and closer, you and Jesper have a much needed talk. Wrote this on my phone at midnight😀

People could say a lot of negative things about Jesper Fahey. 

He was a shit gambler, a flirt, a drunk, he didn't think, he could be selfish at times, he could give you a headache with one sentence, among other things that could make anyone go in the opposite direction. 

But it was impossible to say he wasn't loving. Jesper held onto people and treated everyone like family, even when there were conflicts. There were plenty of times when you and Jesper would have a disagreement, yet he still looked at you like he'd both die and kill for you. Jesper could sometimes make promises he'd easily break for the right price. The promises he made to you though? There was no card game, no shiny gun, no heist, no amount of cash that could make him turn on you. 

Jesper supposed that's how he got himself to where he was now and honestly? He wasn't sure he liked it. 

Was it selfish to say apart of him wished you two never became something more or maybe that he never met you? Was it selfish to look at your aging body and wish he walked away and stayed away after The Ice Court heist? Maybe. He wasn't sure he cared though. 

Aging gave him a tap on the shoulder, but aging slammed into you. That didn't mean you were unattractive in his eyes, it just meant your body felt the stings of aging. Bad knees, hips, shoulder pains, wrinkles, all that was normal and expected. Jesper practically looked the same as he did when you two met. You were closer to death but he felt like the true ghost; forever stuck in a single moment. No changes to himself, only to his environment and the people around him. 

Or maybe even a time loop, but only for himself. Everyone else was free and moved on. Not him though. 

Jesper didn't realize he was staring until you said something, 

“A penny for your thoughts?”. 

“What?”

“You're staring”

“Oh” Jesper said with realization, “an accident”. Partially true. 

He smoothed out the blankets in front of him to distract himself but that worked as well as anyone would imagine. Your face was imprinted on his mind, and although Jesper could've just laid down and went straight to sleep, he knew it'd be all he'd see when he closed his eyes. 

Jesper heard you close and set your book down, then felt your eyes on him. 

“What're you doing?”

“Smoothing these blankets. They're quite wrinkly”

“Why?”

“Why? Why does anyone do anything?”

You sighed, “why won't you look at me?”

“I'm getting rid of the wrinkles on this blanket like I said”

“Because you can't get rid of mine?”. Jesper's hands stopped moving and he finally looked at you and another wave of sorrow hit him. Why did your inevitable death hit him so hard? 

Maybe it was because you were the last one left. 

Kaz, Inej, Wylan, Matthias, they were all gone by now. Matthias’ death was the first hit he received since his mom passed and as time went on the rest of his family, even if not by blood, passed on. Sure, he had Nina but Nina’s home was Ravka. Nina was more often busy than not and she was not the fondest of Kerch. Many times you suggested moving to Ravka for a “change of scenery”. He knew the truth though. You wanted him to get used to living somewhere else so he could be closer to Nina and not alone. You were the last consistent thing attached to his younger life and by some twist of fate, he'd be doomed to outlive majority of the people he met. He wondered if he did something awful in a past life to deserve this. 

“You've gone quiet again Jes”

He shook his head. “I don't know what to say”

“Too much on your brain? Don't know how to get it out?”. He assumed you took his silence as an answer because next you said “just say whatever, even if it doesn't make sense”. 

He took a deep breath then. It's not like you two hasn't talked about this before, but it was usually a small conversation that he'd slip his way out of with some dumb excuse. 

“I have something to do”. “I'm tired”. “Let's go eat”. “I have to go write a letter”. The list went on and on. This time though he couldn't think of an excuse and with limited time, he knew he had to speak to your living body now instead of a tombstone. 

“I don't think I'm ready to do this without you”

“Do what?”

“Live”. It came out breathy and quiet. He could tell he had upset you by how deep your frown was. Or maybe that was another sign of aging. He couldn't tell. 

“I can't do it”. 

“Yes you can”

“I can't”

“Jesper Fahey you can break into a Fjerdan Ice Court, escape, survive months at sea with Kaz Brekker, go toe to toe with every gang in Ketterdam and you still use the words 'I can't’?”. In any other circumstance he would've laughed and made some comment about how amazing he is. He didn't this time though. Nothing really felt enjoyable or funny anymore. Not when you could have some attack at any moment and be gone. 

“You're beautiful,” he said. “Absolutely stunning. I don't think I've ever seen anything as beautiful as you”

“There's the stars and sea yet I’m the most beautiful thing you've seen?”. 

He nodded. “Absolutely”. 

“Is that why you're with me then? My charming looks?”

“You could look like all things wrong with the world and I'd still want you”

“Jesper the poet? I think I like it”. Your fragile hand held his and your eyes locked onto his. “You can live without me-”

“I can't”. The tears he had been fighting so hard to keep away finally slipped. He didn't bother wiping them away, too scared to let go of your hand. “I wanna be able to but I can't”

“Why?”. 

“Why?”, he  repeated. “I just can't”. 

Your thumb rubbing over his hand soothed him for a moment, but only a moment. That calmness died when you spoke again. 

“If this is hard for you, you can go. You don't have to see me like this”

“Where would I go?”, he asked with furrowed brows and a mix of hurt and confusion etched on his face. 

You shrugged. “Ravka maybe? Make it your new home-”

“My home is here. With you”

“You'll have to find a new one when I go”. 

His hand slipped from yours, frustration building in his chest. It all sounded so easy but it was only easy because you were the one dying. You wouldn't have to feel another part of you ripped away. You wouldn't feel anything anymore. He would. 

He'd think about it almost everyday and a hole would form in his chest and pull him into this thick fog and within this fog he'd hear the future. He'd hear a heart monitor go flat. He'd hear your breathing become shallow before it eventually stopped. He'd hear his own crying. Yet you would come along and act as if everything was alright. You'd be calm and fine while he was breaking on the inside. 

“Jesper Fahey, I am going to die and there's nothing you can do about it”. 

“What?”

“Jesper Fahey, I am going to die and there's nothing you can do about it”. 

“Stop”. 

But you didn't stop. You repeated it again and again and he thought he must've been hallucinating and finally reached his breaking point. He covered his ears but you grabbed his hands and intertwined your fingers with his. You opened your mouth but he cut you off with a broken voice. 

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you don't understand you can't control this”

“I understand fully” he said quickly. “That's the whole problem. Can you stop being calm and show some sort of emotion for once?”

“What do you want me to do? To cry? To think about it and stress myself to a migraine like you do everyday?”. He hated how you looked at him then; with pity. It felt like with one foot in the grave, you'd always use the other to stay near him and soothe him and it made him feel selfish. “You wanna know how I feel?”. He didn't answer but you continued anyway. “I am terrified of death. Faith exists to calm us of this fear but honestly, I'm still scared. I don't know what's next. I don't know how it'll feel. I don't know if I'll see a light or if I'll be in darkness. I don't know how I'll go out and I don't know how it'll feel to take my last breath. I'm terrified but worrying about it everyday? That's not living. I'll be on my deathbed slipping away and all I'll think about is how I should've lived more”

“You are so stressed about me dying but honestly Jes? You're just making yourself live through the inevitable every single day. We should be loving each other now more than ever when we have the time. We're gonna get to my final moments and we'll both have regrets, the only difference is you'll have to live with yours”. 

Jesper couldn't help but let tears fall from his eyes. He knew you were right and that he should be holding you close during this time, but he couldn't help but listen to the tiny voice in his head that drove him insane everyday. Everyday was a reminder that for some unknown reason, he'd live much longer. Years would pass and he'd forget your face and always have to look at pictures or letters to remember you. One day he'd even forget your voice. How long would that take? 10 years? 20? 30? 

The more he thought, the more his breathing became erratic and his vision blurred. Blinking away tears didn't work. They'd just come back. You guided his head to your shoulder before your hand found its way to his back to rub circles on it. Jesper wasn't known to cry, but he cried. Hard. And you let him. When his breathing returned to normal, it wasn't because he was no longer sad. It was because he was exhausted. His eyes and nose had gone red by now and his face felt incredibly sore. 

When he quieted down, you spoke again. “I want to love you while I still can but if you don't want to see what'll eventually happen… I’m… I'm willing to let you go”. It was hard for you to say. He could tell because of how quiet it came out. Were you willing to? Probably. Did you want to? Absolutely not. He didn't need to ask or look at you to know. 

Jesper had a big choice to make. He stayed, spent the rest of your life with you and eventually buried you or he could leave and try to get a jumpstart at a new life. He wouldn't see age continue to eat at you and when your time came, he wouldn't be there. He'd be leaving you alone. He probably wouldn't know exactly when you died. Years would pass and he'd just guess that you were gone. 

Jesper was ashamed of how long it took him to make a decision. Leaving seemed so good. The pain of watching you continue to grow old would be no more, but then he'd be left with another pain; the pain of never seeing you again. Of knowing he abandoned you when all you wanted was to hold him close. You had no family and no notable friends besides him and Nina now. You'd probably be found and with no one to identify you, who knew what would become of your body in Kerch. A body with no name. And he'd become a body with no home. 

“I'm not going anywhere”. He finally lifted his head up to look at you and although he still felt that pang in his heart, he didn't look away and try to avoid your gaze. He just looked at you, mapping every detail of your face so he could look back and remember just how beautiful you were when you're gone. 

“I am so going to miss you”

“Of course you will” you said with a small smile and you finally got a chuckle out of him, even if it was small. 

You didn't have forever. You both knew you were on limited time and one day you'd be apart, but you both promised to love and cherish the time you still had together and maybe, just maybe, you'd see each other in the next life when the sun finally set on the both of you. 

I am feral for this man in the most wholesome way possible. Legit just wanna hold his hand and hear him talk about dumb shit.

[mayfieldss]

Till Death - Jesper Fahey

Warnings: Angst, mentions of violence, blood and main character death

Summary; The dregs are on a dangerous mission and there are no guarantees that you'll all make it out alive. Jesper loves you, and you love him, but sometimes that's not enough to save a life.

The sky was your first warning. Dark clouds rolled in, thunder shouting down at you as if pleading you to turn back. You had the chance to, but you would never take it. The risks were clear, set in front of you by Kaz Brekker a dozen times before this very day. This could be the last job your little crew would ever do.

Jesper walked beside you, the both of you falling behind the rest of the group. There was no doubt this was going to end in blood, and Jesper held your hand in his. He refused to let it go, a clear understanding between the two of you that not everyone was to make it out alive.

In truth, Jesper wanted to lock you up in your shared room of the slat and complete the job without the risk of losing you, but Kaz would have killed him for it before anyone even made it to the battlefield. The lot of you needed all the help you could get if this job was to have any semblance of success, keeping you out of the fight was a risk Kaz would not allow Jesper to take. You also never would have made this possible, even if Jesper used the strongest of chains to keep you in place, you would have found a way out. You would always find your way back to him.

"What are you thinking about?" Your voice is soft, melting like snow through the heavy thoughts that weigh Jesper down.

"You." He doesn't hesitate to say it, he never does. He made it his mission about a year ago, to be honest in always telling you how he felt, and what he thought. Most of the time it was a string of cheesy romantic comments that made you blush, but today the word he spoke held sadness.

"It's not too late to turn back, you know." Jesper glances over his shoulder, the gloomy street behind him staring back. He hears you chuckle, the sound so sweet and out of place. Jesper didn't think you belonged here, in the barrel. Of course, you fit in well enough, you were a dreg through and through, but Jesper thought you deserved more. He knew you deserved more. Your smile was unmatched by any toothless grin the other criminals could give him, and your laugh was a sound that shouldn't be drowned out by the sound of gunfire and curses.

"Turning back was never an option, Jes." You loop your arm through his as you walk and that's when it really hits him. The fact that he could lose you today, that fact that you could lose him. He stops pulling you back with him as he does. His eyes scan over you, furrowed brows causing concern within you.

"Promise we'll be okay." Jesper knows it's a stupid thing to ask, but he does it anyway, and when you nod a wave of relief crashes over his heart.

"No mourners, no funerals. You know that Jes." A gentle smile graces your lips, one that you try to maintain but can't. You both know it's not as easy as a promise, and balancing all hope on such a fragile thing is more dangerous than one can bare to think about, but you do it anyway.

"I promise, you Jesper Fahey, that we will be okay."

Your friends are far ahead of you by now, and you'll have to run to catch up very soon, but Jesper doesn't let that stop him from kissing you. His lips meet yours in a desperately sad kiss as if sealing the deal between you that you'll both make it out alive. When he pulls back from you he brushes a hand over your cheek. "No mourners, no funerals."

-

The battle was bloody, and the deal Kaz had intended to make hadn't gone as planned. Bullets were flying, knives were being thrown and the shouting that ensued as both sides of the fight tried to communicate with their allies was almost incomprehensible.

"Jesper," his name is left hanging in the air as you say it, your voice taking a change in tone as you collapse to the ground. It's sudden, and Jesper hardly has time to react, but when he sees the blood, everything around him begins to blur.

He's not sure what to do. He's not medic, and while he's patched up cuts and scrapes before, this seems beyond his expertise. He's pulled your limp body behind cover, and he sits with you now, unsure and afraid. He doesn't think he has the right to be. He's not the one that's dying so he shouldn't be scared, but the concept of losing you is worse than the possibility he could die himself.

"Are you comfortable?" he knows that's most important now because he knows he can't save you. He wants to, but he can't. He also knows it's a stupid question, because how can one be comfortable with a bullet lodged in their abdomen.

"I've been shot, Jes." You laugh, though it falls from you as more of a cough. "It's not exactly a spa day."

He's glad you still have enough fight in you to joke, and as the battle rages around your hiding place he watches your breathing slow.

"But I'm as comfortable as I can be. Thank you for being with me." you try for a smile, but Jesper struggles to send you one back. He manages, weakly, and feels the pull of the sobs he's holding back in his chest.

"My pleasure, love." he doesn't know if that's true. He doesn't find pleasure in being here, watching you slip away from him bit by bit, but he supposes it's better than not being able to say goodbye.

"I love you." he whispers, wanting you to know one last time. He wants you to hear him say it, but you're already gone. He doesn't realize at first, until he takes in your features. Your eyes look empty now, void of any feeling or pain, and your chest doesn't move an inch for any kind of breath. He calls your name softly, shaking your now relaxed body in his arms. You don't stir.

you never will again.

-

AN: I-T-G-I-R-L you know i am that gurl

GENERAL TAGLIST: @heliads @candywh0r3 @caplanreadss @hiya-itsamber @s00buwu

GRISHAVERSE TAGLIST: @avyannadawn

JESPER FAHEY TAGLIST: @karamarie2

[system-to-the-madness]

Cooking - Inej Ghafa x Reader (Drabble)

Pairing: Inej Ghafa x Reader Genre: drabble, fluff Word Count: 944 Warnings: Food, implications of Inej’s past but nothing explicit Summary: Inej lerns how to cook

I’ve seen a few head canons a while back, that Inej cooks a lot. I want to propose another angle: she wants to but doesn't know how.

She can't find the right spices, and every time she cooks something she lacks basics (like how you add a little salt to cake dough), because nobody ever taught her. After all, those are not things you figure out all on your own. At least not when you’re as young as Inej is. So it never tastes like she wants it to taste, and eventually she gives up because it brings her more disappointment than joy.

You, living in the Slat with the rest of the Crows, notice this of course, and start cooking whenever Inej is hanging out in the kitchen. Trying to encourage her to continue her search for recreating the recipes she saw her mum cook, you always ask her for help.

At first it’s little things, like cutting veggies (she’s good with knives after all). And over time you begin carefully guiding her into trying things herself. It’s small things, little encouragements so she doesn’t realise what you’re doing and won’t hide away from the pain of making mistakes again.

“Can you add a pinch of salt to the soup?”

The first time you ask her this, she looks at you with her deep brown eyes widened, as if she didn’t consider herself capable. But she does it, exactly the way you showed her just the day before yesterday, and you quickly turn away from her, so she doesn’t see your fond smile.

“Try this. Something's missing but I don't know what. What do you think?"

By the time you try holding up the spoon to her lips to let her try a soup you made, she already built some more confidence in the kitchen. Of course, you know what spices are missing, but you want to teach her, and she’s exceptionally good at figuring out what else needs to be added to achieve the usual taste.

Slowly, over several weeks, you build Inej's confidence in her own instincts and taste buds with local Kerch spices that are cheap and easy to come by, so Inej doesn’t start suspecting what you are doing.

Until one day you bring home an array of spices imported from Ravka (very expensive imports, which you may or may not have paid for, but what do you have Kaz for, right). By the time you do this, Inej is already a pretty decent cook when it comes to Kerch dishes.

So when you hand her the box with the different spices – spices she remembers from her childhood, spices she can’t all name, but she knows the texture and taste of each one of them – her eyes light up in something akin to disbelieve and she… promptly kicks you out of her the kitchen.

That night she creates the most amazing dish for the Crows. You swear it tastes like heaven. Sitting around the kitchen table, everyone digging into the delicious food, Inej talks about her childhood. She rarely shares her memories of that time, but as candlelight flickers over all of your faces, Inej sitting so close to you that you are almost tempted to scoot just a bit to the side to sit pressed against her, she tells you of her family. You almost think you can smell the firewood (no, that wasn’t one of Wylan’s experiments gone wrong) and hear the melodies she tells you of.

For hours you sit in the small room, plates long empty, and you all talk about everything and anything. Even Kaz laughs a little bit that night. All thanks to Inej’s wonderful food. Eventually you get up, stiff from the hard, wooden chairs and benches, and together you clean up the pots and dishes, before you bid each other good night, and retire to your rooms. But you already know, taking a last look at Inej through the closing gap in your door, that you’ll see her in just a few minutes again. And you do. She knocks on your door only seconds after the last of the other doors got shut, and you immediately let her in.

The happy smile she had been wearing throughout the night is gone, but you’re not surprised. You know her better than most people after all. Tears rise into her eyes as she thanks you for gifting her the spices that remind her of home. And then she really cries, confesses that she misses her family so much.

You want to hug her, but you don’t, knowing she doesn’t always like to be touched. She thanks you again, this time because you took the time to teach her how to cook, because just as you know her she knows you, and obviously she picked up on your effort. In a burst of courage, which not even she can explain, she quickly leans forward and pecks your lips before embarrassedly escaping into the night through the window without another word. She doesn’t see the way your face heats up, or how you reach out to keep her from running away. And she doesn’t hear how you mumble to yourself about your feelings for her.

In the morning, when she comes down to the kitchen, you're already waiting, a plate with freshly baked waffles sitting on the table for her, arranged in a heart shape and decorated with her favourite fruit. She takes a look at you, then the plate, and looks back to you, you with this small, shy but hopeful smile on your face. That's when she knows that her heart landed true.

[achingwoundforaheart]

Once a week, in hellgate, thanks to Pekka Rollins there was hellfight, if you come out alive you get a clean room all to yourself.

'maybe I should enter' y/n said while eating a sad excuse for breakfast.

'you realize you can die right' Matthias asked sarcastically.

'I'll die in three days either ways' y/n replied shrugging.

Matthias and Maria looked at her uncomfortablely, they had come to like this inmate, mostly because she could talk any guard out of punishments. She was a good ally in the prison.

'Why do you have a death sentence' Maria asked.

'Killed a monster' y/n replied, flash backs going through her brain and an uncomfortable tingling in her scars.

'Monster' Maria raised an eyebrow, Matthias tired to silence her by kicking slightly, not wanting to make y/n uncomfortable but wanting to know the same thing.

'A rich monster' y/n added unhelpfuly

'hey we shared our stories I think you owe us yours'

'I owe no one anything' y/n replied coolly. Maria was sort of getting on her nerves.

'Why hellfight, don't you already have a cell to yourself' Matthias changed the topic.

'it's the worst possible cell, it reeks, there's mice, and something is dripping from the ceiling' y/n shuddered. She'd lived in worse places but would rather spend her last days somewhere more comfortable.

'can't you threaten your way into a better cell' Maria asked shifting on her seat, feeling uneasy after hearing about that cell. 'I'm sure you have dirt on every guard here'

'I don't know if it'll work really' y/n said, scratching her chin slightly, she did have dirt on most of the guards, she could try and control everyone, the idea seemed tempting, it'll take a whole day atleast but it could be fun. She smiled to herself imagining running Ketterdam's worst prison.

'I can see you scheming something' Maria laughed. Matthias also gave a rare smile in her direction.

'hmm' y/n said looking around, pinning secrets on guards mentally 'I could do something, need a lot of distraction because if they come together then I will overpowered'

Suddenly something connected in her brain, she DID know Matthias, wait why am I just making the connection she thought, huh anyway this could be useful.

'you know Nina Zenik' y/n said, smirking a but as Matthias clenched his jaw.

'How do you know her' he asked slowly, anger seething through his words.

'oh calm down' y/n teased, 'aren't you two lovers'

'no fuck you' he shouted banging his fists on the table, quietened down as he saw a few guards looking in their direction.

'Well she certainly loves you' y/n said amused at the anger, she knew Nina is the reason Matthias is hellgate from Nina's drunk confession one night. Matthias seemed to soften a bit at that. 'she's trying to make money to buy you out of here, her Ravkan crew saw you two together and were going to kill you'

Y/n didn't know why she was annoying Matthias exactly but hey drama is always fun.

Matthias furrowed his eyebrows at that, making mental connections and probably remembering good times with Nina. Things made sense for the first time in his two months here.

'help me out I'll try and reunite you with your asique' lover. Y/n said in Fjerdian.

Matthias breathed sharply, here was this new inmate offering freedom barely three days into her sentence. Maria faced her and was about to ask something when y/n said 'yeah to you too if my plan works out'

Maria smiled 'at your service', Matthias gave a curt nod. Y/n grinned, working out her scheme, she just might be able to break out of hellgate, eventhough she'd already accepted her death sentence, this seemed much more fun. And hopeful, a small voice in her head said, she shook it off.

Back in Ketterdam, the crows were trying to finalize their plan to get y/n out. Their odds were thin, but they were willing to bet. Nina was a bit miserable because she wanted to get Matthias out as well, debating with Kaz every chance she got.

'Breaking out one person is difficult enough, I'm sorry if I can't bring you your lover' Kaz said ending all discussion. Inej just returned from a patrol, gathering all information she could only the stadwatch, prison guards anything really that would get y/n out.

'Find anything ' Jesper asked eagerly, the planning phase making him restless, he wanted to be on his feet, doing something. Anything other than looking at things that can go wrong.

'Nothing good' Inej said, 'y/n might have signed up for hellfight' she continued 'does she have to make things more difficult'.

'What is hellfight' Nina asked.

'they make prisoners fight to death with with beasts every once a week for a better cell' Jesper said grimacing, trying not to imagine y/n fighting a bull. Why bull he thought internally.

'That's barbaric' Nina exclaimed 'hoe is that legal, not everyone there has a death sentence, they just let them die'

'it's hellgate' Kaz said. He hated the guilt he was feeling these days, especially with Inej not talking to him. He had come to become close to her, they talked a lot, he'd come to rely on her, if not trust. He felt Jordie's ghost, you are doing to her what pekka did to us, he seemed to say.

They all felt defeated.

'we should go to hellfight' he said finally, everyone looked at him with irritation, he didn't care about that. 'it should be easier to break her out of a nicer part of hellgate, possibly with lesser guards and saves us the energy of breaking in' his brain trying to cover any holes in the plan

Everyone looked at each other with uncertainty, but feeling a bit of hope, this was by far the least risk.

'What if she dies' Inej shook her head, trying to put away the picture of her lying beaten in the ground.

'that's a risk we'll have to bet on'Kaz said grimly.

'she took out a guy twice her size' Jesper said trying to convince himself more than anyone else.

'I don't like this' she said, 'but it may be the only chance'. Feeling a bit defeated she retired to her room. Freshening up, laying on her bed. She thought of y/n, she might hate me. She thinks I sent her there. Inej remembers the face of betrayal on y/ns face. She refused to look at me she thought painfully. Why do I care so much about her she blinked away a few tears.

[bubblegumbabycow]

The Phoenix

Six of Crows x Reader

WC: 1.5k

Warnings: typical Crow stuff, other than that there’s nothing.

Chapter 1

Shadows cloak me. Silently slipping over the rooftops, I slither into the darkness, melting away like snow on wet ground. 

I watch her. Waiting. So does she. The Wraith. Silent. Watchful. Kaz Brekker’s number 1.

Heart racing, breath shaky, I feel my power flicker at my fingertips, flames running across my knuckles. Fear claws at my chest. A savage animal waiting to tear me to shreds at the slightest slip in composure. 

She prowls across the roof; the moon casting a silver shine across her silky, golden-caramel skin. A flash of silver. She is armed. My palms grow hot. The rumbling power within me waiting to be unleashed.

“I know you’re there.” She hisses, continuing to circle before my hiding place. 

I make no move to reveal myself. I know her games. Danced this dance many times. Had each step memorised. I am not falling into Kaz Brekker’s trap this time. 

My body is stiff and rigid. Ready to spring into action. Flames lick at my fingertips. 

“Tomorrow, sundown, Goedmedbridge, Kaz Brekker will be waiting.” And with that, she is gone, slipping soundlessly from the roof.

It isn’t an invitation. It’s a demand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel.

The man, the myth, the legend.

But what does he want from me?

I lie there, on my poor excuse for a bed, mind alight with the unknown.

Pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes, I fruitlessly try to calm my restless mind. Squeezing my eyes shut, I wait for sleep to sweep me up into its awaiting arms.

But sleep never comes.

The first rays of sun push through the dense fog that blankets Ketterdam. My mind is still buzzing as I proceed with my morning’s business. 

The cold Ketterdam wind nips at my cheeks when I step out of my dingy, mouldy flat. Swiftly, I slip through the thickening crowd at East Stave. Already, tourists were pouring onto the street. Jostling about. Moving with the slow flow of traffic. They laugh and point at people dressed up in costumes from the comedie brute or get drawn into the many gambling dens and pleasure houses spread along the winding streets of Ketterdam.

The roofs are my preferred route to work but at this time of day, with the sun already peeking over the lopsided, mismatched buildings, they aren’t an option. So instead, I stick to the shadowy corners, dingy alleys and cold, musty back ways. 

I know the art of blending in well, finding the shadows and running between them. I had perfected the skill in my time at the Little Palace, slinking through the corridors, unnoticed, with my best friend. 

Squirt. 

My stomach twists into knots at the thought of him. I haven’t seen him since he was drafted in the Second Army. He was my Squirt and I was his Spark. The Tidemaker and the Inferni. Tears threaten to fall but I brush them away quickly. It is best not to show weakness in the barrel. 

Sliding in through the back door of the shop, I quietly tiptoe to my work bench. Harold was busy working on an order. Head bent low, eyes screwed up in concentration as he bent the steel to his will. 

After evading capture from slavers when the war was over, I had escaped to Kerch, to the bustling streets of Ketterdam. I was an empty shell of the person I was before, but life on the streets of the barrel has toughened me. I am no longer the girl from the Little Palace. No longer the girl who would sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night or run through the fields giggling, carefree and unburdened. The girl I have become is tougher, more formidable. There is less giggling and more scowling, less frolicking in the sunshine and more slinking in the shadows, less likely to get killed and more likely to be the killer.

I have changed. There is no denying that. But whether it is for the better or worse, that is still undecided.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work was another problem I had to solve quickly, or risk being left to rot on the cold, miserable streets of the barrel. Lucky for me, Harold, an old Fabricator, welcomed me with open arms. 

I am no Fabricator. No, my skills are as an Inferni. I help where I can and get a fair pay. Enough to scrape a living on the bustling streets of the big trade city in Kerch.

The day had flown by in a blur of monotony and dullness. Out the back, I am sliding orders off the shelves to prepare them for customers when the familiar tinkle of the bell chimes through the shop as someone enters the small, homely shop.

My insides turn to ice when I catch a glimpse of the man standing in the doorway. Dark Zemeni skin, tall lean frame, pearl revolvers at his hips. He smiles warmly, saying a few words I can’t catch. As Harold guffaws and makes his way towards me, I can feel my insides turning to ice.

‘Tomorrow, sundown, Goedmedbridge, Kaz Brekker will be waiting.’

Plastering a fake smile on my face, I continue my work. My stomach is flip flopping around in the ice filled void where all my intestines are supposed to be and my heart is leaping out of my chest. I feel my palms grow hot and sweaty, I clumsily fumble with the orders when they begin to shake.

“Didn’t realise you had plans to day,” Harold smiles a devious smile, coming around the corner and leaning against the shelving.

My heart races as I scrunch my eyebrows together in mock confusion. The intensity of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks, I am about to meet the Kaz Brekker, the most notorious gang lead of all time.

"I had no idea either," I respond, trying my best to conceal the tumultuous feelings raging inside of me.

“There’s a man at the door asking for you,” Harold's voice was gentle but insistent as he gave me a push towards the door, “go out and enjoy yourself for once Y/n, it’s time you moved on.”

 Guilt and grief consume me, threatening to drown me in their depths. I know what he is talking about. Squirt's absence is an unfillable void in my life that haunts me endlessly. I have no idea where he is, whether he's still alive or if he had died on the front line, fighting for his country, but one thing is for sure - he's not here with me.

Squirt, with his infectious laughter and charming personality, was a bright and shining light in my life. His crooked grin, endearing quirks, and soft, curly locks cascading over his piercing, ocean blue eyes…

No. 

I can't keep doing this to myself. The mere thought of him leaves me drowning in a sea of despair, struggling to stay afloat. How could he leave such a massive void that I can't seem to fill? I feel like I'm on a never-ending rollercoaster, where the highs are so high, and the lows so low, leaving me sick with emotion. I need to find a way out of this vicious cycle of pain and heartache. I need to muster the strength to overcome my own vulnerabilities. I can't keep letting my emotions control me. What happened was for the best. He is better off with out me.

Reluctantly, I step out, walking briskly towards the door.

“Good morning darling” Jesper drawls, the sweet nickname flowing effortlessly from his lips. I can't help but wonder how many others he's whispered those very same words to, how many hearts he's captured with his endless charm. The mere thought makes me shudder and my insides churn with disgust.

I brush past him, “Don’t make this any more unpleasant than it already is,” I mutter.

He throws up his hands in frustration, trailing behind me with an air of disbelief. It's as though he's never encountered someone who could resist his words. 

With great difficulty, I force my body to walk towards Goedmedbridge. Every bit of sense in me screams in vehement protest, but I make my legs put one foot in front of the other, despite the overwhelming urge to run and never come back.

There he is. Kaz Brekker. Black tailored suit, raven black hair, hands lazily resting atop his infamous crow headed cane in front of him, and a smug smirk that makes my blood boil

Fury, an intense and searing wrath, boils within me, burning through my veins and igniting a ferocious blaze that consumes my very being. Flames flicker and dance across my fingertips.

“Don’t get frisky Y/L/N” he rasps

“What do you want,” I snap.

“Patience, you will find out in good time,” and with that he turns on his heel, beckoning me to follow.

~~~~~~~~~ Let me know what you think!

[mcntsee]

The real barbie is Y/n.

Y/n’s a doctor, a cop, a scientist, an agent, vet, hero, villain, astronaut, lawyer, spy, criminal, artist, chef, engineer, psychologist, architect, journalist, firefighter, event planner, mechanic, photographer, musician, actor, interior designer, bartender, fashion designer, barista, florist, forensic scientist, flight attendant, profiler, tour guide, translator, etc.

[writing-havoc]

HII! HOW ARE YOU? Okay so i have a kaz brekker x reader request but it's kinda meh but i just can't stop thinking about it. And it's kinda similar to your fic 'high' (my favorite piece of media EVER)

So fem!reader (or gn whichever is easier for you<3) drunk and makes fun of the way kaz talks and his hair and the way how he's really bossy. (I would so call him emo king) and he's just trying to get her to take a bath (be a fish) and rest.

Please please don't feel pressured you can just ignore this. Don't forget to drink water. Have a nice day or night love youu<3

Loverboy

♡ Summary: Kaz comes and fetches you after you have a bit too much to drink. Getting you to bathe and rest for the night is a little more difficult than he remembers.

♡ Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader

♡ Fandom: Six of Crows, Grishaverse

♡ Warning(s): Alcohol, Nudity (not smut)

♡ WC: 3.5k

Hello hello!!! Thank you for your request <3 I'm doing pretty alright thank you for asking. I hope you're doing okay!

I loved being prompted to expand on this and experiment with how it would go. To be honest that's also one of my fav pieces of work that I've done, and I'm glad someone else holds the same joy for it that I do!

Anyway, here it is!! Hope you enjoy it anon, ly <3

Please excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes

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"Oh for Ghezen's sake just put one foot in front of the other." Kaz nipped, pushing just a bit harder on your back.

Your head was lolling back and to the side, unwillingly looking at the stars. Yet your eyes remain half closed, barely a fraction of your pupil visible in the moonlight. A smile is painted on your face the whole time, lips chapped and cracked from dehydration. "'M tryin' Kaz. But my head is just, so heavy and the stars 're so pretty."

"I know I know- hold on to the cane- the cane!"

He shouldn't have let you have those last few drinks, but unfortunately you batted your little lashes and made the same little promises you do after enough time has passed for his memories to become just a little bit muddled and forget how far from the truth your promises are.

You'll say you'll be fine. You'll say you'll get home safe. You'll say you'll see him soon.

But you can't really fulfill any of those. So he at least has the foresight to stay with you, or to have someone else stay with you and come get him when you down more than your promised two or three.

And he makes a big deal out of it, saying all these things and talking like he's annoyed with you, but really?

He's not.

Not as much as he thinks he should be anyway. If he had heard anybody else complaining as much as he does in his own head he'd stuff his own glove in their mouth and tell them to deal with their inadequate relationship elsewhere.

But it's him, and it's you, and it's different.

You're not like them. You're not violent or a verbal tyrant or negligent.

"Did I ever tell you..." You start, then chuckle to yourself when you straighten up and sway around. "Did I ever tell you that kin'a remind me of a cat with your hair slicked back like that?"

You're,,, silly. And he feels silly saying that but you are. It's the perfect word to describe you when you get like this. Light jabs at the things you like about him, your feet walking to a rhythm in your head that makes you stop and go and speed and slow at random, laughing at the most mundane things.

"I don't believe you have, no." You definitely have. But he allows you to repeat it.

The Slat is wonderfully empty as he opens the door. Only a few people occupy the tables off to the side, but they're just as drunk as you are, and he doubts they can see this far from their drooling.

"Come on." He leads you over to the stairs. "Up we go."

You lean on the rail, shaking your head, smile gone. "Mh-mhn. I can't." You continue to shake your head, eyes closed. "Your leg is bad."

Silly.

"Good observation. Your legs, however, are fine, if a bit wobbly. Up you come." He tries again to coax you up, to no avail. You lean on the rail more, even pushing into it.

He forgot how much you resemble an ox when it comes to getting you to do something. It's like you contain this ability to just plant yourself anywhere and stick no matter the force that's pulling or pushing you.

"Your leg is bad. I can't go up."

"My bad leg does not effect your ability to walk up the stairs." He says as gentle as possible.

"But it does."

He sighs. "Could you explain to me why that is?"

Your bottom lip pushes out just barely, eyes opening and looking at him through your lashes. It's a look that would have any man in Kerch on their knees, he's sure of it. "Need your help."

His heart sunk. "Just grab the railing and my cane, dove. I'll take my good leg up first."

You analyzed the stairs, scrutinizing them. "Promise?"

"You know I don't make-"

"Promise?" A hint of anger bubbled in your tone, the same firmness in your eyes when you snapped your head to look at him.

He takes a deep breath. "I promise."

And just like that you were ready to ascend the stairs. You grabbed the railing, clumsily reaching out for his cane which he gave readily.

Even in your drunken state, you knew exactly which stairs creaked and which ones were just this side of broken. You skipped a stair, glaring at it as Kaz ascended with his good leg first, then continued with your usual lax expression.

He tried to step with his bad leg, but you immediately backtracked and held his cane firmly, holding him back as well. "You promised." You bit out.

"I did." He switched back, good leg going up, slowly edging you along. "It just slipped my mind."

"Nothin' slips your mind." You pouted, begrudgingly ascending when the cane went too far to hold close.

"Important things," he corrected. "Important things don't slip my mind."

You yanked on the cane, making him look at you. "You're important."

And he... doesn't know what to do with that.

Of course in whatever realm you were occupying he'd be important. He's important for a lot of things. His businesses, his club, whatever constitutes as leader of the crows.

It's not that he thinks he's not important. He just forgets to take into account that with you, he's important in the little things too.

Pointing him where to massage on his leg when it's giving him trouble, bringing him fresh tea when he tries to drink the day old stuff pushed to the corner of his desk, at least reminding him to sleep when the clock reaches two bells in the dark hours.

And right now, when you force him to take the pressure off his poorly healed shin.

"You're right." He confirms, helping you to the top of the stairs. "I am. Now come on."

When he began to lead you to his room, you groaned and stood in place. "Noo. I don' wanna fish."

His mouth struggled to stay in a line, corners quirking up. "You have to fish. You're sweaty and you smell like alcohol."

"I's a good smell."

"You gag in the morning when you smell it."

"Hogwash, you walking shadow."

He tugged you along, walking ahead of you and up the stairs to the attic. His help wasn't much needed here with how narrow and more secure the steps were, but you needed the extra hand to coax you up and towards your inevitable bath.

His office was dark, the only thing preventing the room from being cast in complete darkness was the street lights outside pushes a faint yellow glow through the window.

A lantern was stored in a bookcase next to the door for this reason. He clipped his cane onto his belt and hooked a finger under the handle, giving you little assurances that he wasn't going to let you fall while he navigated the room he knew by heart.

He parked you by his makeshift desk, guiding your hands to the desktop for some leverage while he rustled through a cabinet for the matches.

Immediately you were enthralled with the fire. Nina thinks you were an Inferni in your past life, and he finds the idea hard to not believe as he watches your once droopy eyes widen and follow the ball of fire in his hand as it lights the lantern.

He closes the shade, putting out the match and watching you smile as the whole room lights up.

"So bright." You whisper, as if it's your first time seeing fire.

He shrugs off his coat, throwing it over the back of his chair. "Very. Don't touch it."

You pout, taking your hand away. "I don't know what you're referring to."

He takes the lantern from where it rests on the desk, unhooking his cane and walking to the bathroom. "Come take your bath."

"'Come take your bath'." You mock him. "You're a bossy bossy man, you know that?"

He can't see you as he hangs the lantern on a hook, but he knows your hands are on your hips and your head cocked to the side. You always became so sassy when the initial fuzziness seems to wear off.

"It's what im paid for." He calls, swirling the basin of water he had filled up before he left. It was only expected that you should get a bath tonight, and he didn't want to wake anybody now of all times to come and fill it up.

"Youre not getting paid right now."

He didn't have any soap. He used up all of his last time and you usually keep yours tucked in your room, eager to hide its existence from greedy hands.

Just water will have to do, since he doesn't trust you to not fall asleep in the time it will take to go to your room and retrieve yours from your spare set of shoes.

He exits the bathroom, coming face to face with you. "I should be with how I'm ordering you around right now."

He waves you over, and it seems at this point you're becoming too tired to really fight back. You shrug off your outer layers, leaving them in a pile on the floor that you attempt to kick to the side. It's seems you think that you did away with them well enough, but really you just kind of spread them around.

That will have to come later, he thinks, and then puts a hand on your bare shoulder as you take off your shirt, throwing it over the side of the basin. Your pants come off and are thrown at its base, shoes somehow already off in the time span it took to check the tub and come retrieve you, socks following.

"You can keep your undergarments on if you'd like." He says, resting his cane against the wall.

"Oh don't get shy on me now, Kaz. You've seen me naked at least a dozen times." You look back at him, a shit eating smirk on your face.

He's thankful for the warm lantern light to obscure the warmth creeping up his neck and nipping at his ears. "Only because we end up in situations like these. It's more efficient to just get you clean now than have you complain in the morning and almost throw up in the tub."

You moan, the sound throaty and like gravel. "I don't wanna be a fish."

"You dont have to be one for long. Just a few minutes until you're clean."

"Can' be clean if there's no soap."

"We can at least get most of the grime off. Come on, one leg over the other."

Slowly, you climb into the tub, Kaz helping you get in with minimal sloshing.

And now comes the hard part.

His gloves are made of leather. He can't dunk and soak them in the water and expect them to be fine later.

They come off quicker than last time, but just as shakey. He puts on two pairs of cloth ones he's kept in here since the third time this happened, when it became apparent that this would happen again and several more times after.

Once they're on he flexes his hand, feeling the cold unforgiving waves slosh at his knees and lick up his thighs.

It's not the same. It's a bath. It's you.

"Can you get your body?" He asks, though. Because as much as he'd like to be of some help here he can't help but need to touch you the least amount as possible.

You think it over, stretching out as much as the tub allows before nodding. "M'yeah, I can do it."

He hands you a rag, watching it sink under the water and become several shades darker.

He turns around and allows you to do your thing, but knows your routine from when you, Nina, and Jesper had a heated debate about which order to wash your body in.

You'll wash your neck and chest first, digging into your collars bones and over your shoulders, then do you arms, followed by your torso and around your back. Then you'll scrub at your legs, moving to your face, then your waist, then your feet.

It'll take about ten minutes to go over every part, scrubbing in places you think have the most grime, and all the while having your shampoo already scrubbed into your hair so that you can rinse everything out all at once.

But you're tired and drunk, and he doesn't know how far you'll make it down your list until you eventually get frustrated or too exhausted or both.

He listens to the water in the tub move as your scrub yourself beneath its surface. A throaty hum emanates from your throat, a tune oddly familiar to the song that plays in the club filling the room.

Every once in a while you'll sigh, the water halting. He'll lean back and ask if you're alright, and you'll hum and get right back to scrubbing.

It's fifteen minutes before you say anything.

"You alright t' do my hair?"

His stomach churns, acid bubbling at its entrance.

"Ill be fine."

He turns, gesturing with his finger for you to lean your head into the water.

There's a pause before he reaches into the cold depths, wondering if he actually /will/ be fine.

When you look at him, eyes rimmed in red and glassy, he scrounges up whatever stability and modicum of the word "cope" he has and dunks them in.

Immediately he finds your hair, burying his fingers between the strands and finding your scalp.

It's hard to feel anything besides temperature with these gloves, and your head is practically burning against the cool water.

You're definitely cold. He can tell by your flushed cheeks and the way you curl your arms around your waist, goosebumps littering your arms. Yet you remain warm under his touch.

He watches the little hairs on your arm wave in the bath current as he scrubs, almost hypnotizing in their back and forth movement as you move to let them rest against your thighs.

But it's not enough.

He's scrubbing your hair, trying so hard to just focus on the grime under his fingers as his hands make the cold water slosh. The feeling is oddly familiar to the waves coating his hands as they dunk half under as he clings to blue flesh.

But you look at him, and your giggle is like little bells that keep him above water, just for the moment.

"You know what you look like?" You ask. "You look like- oh, what's that new style they got goin' on?"

He has no idea what you're talking about. Fashion trends are far beneath his radar unless necessary for a job.

You snap your fingers, pointing up at him. "Emo!"

That makes his eyebrows raise. Because he is familiar with Emo, because a bunch of kids called him that when they were out much past their bedtime. They found it necessary to shout it at him while he was passing by, laughing as they ran into an alleyway.

"I don't think that's accurate." He manages to get out, dunking your head a little further to cover your ears and get the wisps of hair in front of them.

"It's sooo accurate." You draw out your o's, blinking slowly and out of sync. "Emo king."

He sighs. "Whatever you say, little fish."

You pout, moving away from him and turning belly down, chin dipping into the water. "I thought I was your dove."

Again, thankful for that warm light. It makes his stomach feel all twisty the way you say "your". For just a moment, he let's himself smile, really smile, and puts his chin on his hands. "You are. But right now, you're a fish."

You huff, turning back and putting your head within reach. "Okay, mister emo cat."

He sighs, beginning to scrub at the parts of your scalp that he already got but feels he needs to do another once over for. "I am neither emo nor a cat."

"Tell that to your hair, loverboy."

Loverboy.

He scoffs, taking his hands from your hair. "Your hair's done. Get out so you can dry off."

You laugh at your accomplishment, sitting up and scrunching your hair as he discards his wet gloves on a towel rack and dries himself off.

Honestly, loverboy? He's not some lovesick puppy. Loverboy applies to those who are unfathomably whipped, wrapped around their partners finger and touching at all times. It has no place being in the same sentence that his likeness occupies except to say that he is not a 'loverboy'.

He hands you a towel as you get out of the tub, heading to his closet to fetch you some of his clothes.

"An old one, please?" You yell out to him.

"I know." He calls back.

If he can help it he replaces his button ups every few months. But you like the ones that are just around that area of wear and tear. In your words, they "ain't tight and smell like him. Win win."

He doesn't bother with pants, but grabs a pair of his underwear for you to change into instead that he knows you'll find more comfortable.

As he limps back to the bathroom, he halts as he analyzes his thoughts and actions.

Fuck. Maybe he /does/ deserve the name Loverboy.

The realization almost makes him groan and sit down on the floor right then and there.

Can't he just carve his heart out? Isn't that what the poets and song writers do?

Alas, he is neither a poet nor a musician. So he will instead take the long way out, and bring you his clothes and get you into into his bed before the third bell chimes.

He hands you the clothes, watching your face light up for a moment before he exits to his office to clean up the mess you made.

The beak of his cane hooks under your coat, dragging it up and into his hand which he then throws onto the chair. You hate getting it off the coat rack, half the time pulling it with you when you take your coat back. So he sets it here for now, and takes your shoulder bag and shoes and organizes them around the chair just as you usually do.

"I think I found my new look."

He turns around, seeing you trying to pose against the wall. It's supposed to be sultry and sexy, but it definitely does not read that way with your soaked hair, stiff back, and uncooperative limbs.

"If you think so." He nearly chuckles, taking his gloves from your hands and slipping them onto his own, and then retrieves the lantern from the bathroom. "Come to bed."

Thankfully, you seem to love the idea of the bed. It doesn't take much to lead you to the little nook he calls his bedroom. He hooks the lantern to the wall as your body slumps onto his partially eaten sheets.

"Mmm." You hum, smile hidden under your squashed cheek. "Warm."

"Doubtful." He jabs, unfolding a blanket at the foot of the bed and draping it over you.

"It really is. Should try it sometime." You poke at the space beneath your eye, tongue sticking out.

He assumes you're referencing the eye bags that have taken permanent residence on his face, to which he rolls his eyes and hikes up the blanket to cover your back. You hate the cold creeping in.

If you wake up cold in the morning, you will be cold for the rest of the day. And unfortunately for you, you have a job in about six hours.

The less you have to complain about, the better.

"Ill try it later." He promises. "For now, you need it more."

You mumble something, but with the way your eyes are drooping he figures you're not even aware you said anything at all.

As you doze off, he half sits on his nightstand, and watches your breathing begin to slow and even out. It's loud at first, but eventually you grow quieter and quieter, muscles relaxing as you sink into his hard mattress.

Your hair is thrown about everywhere, still wet from your bath, and you'll need Nina to remove a kink in your shoulder in the morning. But for now, you're calm, and safe, and that's enough.

He takes a deep breath, just the same as you do, and then sighs.

"Goodnight, little fish." He mumbles, and then stands, off to collect the ingredients for a hangover tonic and catch up on paperwork.

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Tags:

@b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @a-candle-maker

[ashessonfire]

Hello, i have a potential kaz x reader request for you!! I, for some reason, love the idea of a very soft/domestic kaz moment with reader who isn’t involved in the crime life. So what about y/n being married to kaz and for some reason she makes her way down to the crow club (maybe someone broke into the house or something) and kaz is extreamly confused and concerned and the rest if the crows are like "andddd who are you?"

if you don't feel it, feel free to ignore!

'Intruder' - Kaz Brekker x reader

Prompt - Kaz is a highly secretive man, even to his closest friends, but what happens when a panicked citizen rushes into the Crow Club demanding his presence? It could even suggest that he had the ability to love. - Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Civilian!Reader (Gender neautral)(married for at least a few years but not specified) - Warnings: Thief enters readers house, brief mention of fighting and injury, a knife?? Kaz just being super soft for you! <333 PART TWO NOW POSTED! (click here) - A/N: Thank you for ALL the love on the last post, and my first fic ever! I hope this does just as well and its enjoyed too. I know its not as fluffy as maybe expected but i really like how it turned out. PLEASE KEEP REQUESTING!!(some moonknight coming soon) <3333

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The chilling wind of Ketterdam rushed past your face, adding to your already watering eyes that couldn’t stop frantically searching around for further threats.

You had been enjoying a quiet morning, browsing the market, drinking tea with friends, and even finding a new hat for Kaz. All was serene, until you turned the lock in the front door, only to be confronted by a menacing figure, knife gripped in one hand, Kaz’s favourite (and most expensive) tea set in the other.

A small gasp escaped you, before your mind took control, rushing forward to land a harsh blow directly on the figure’s nose, just at the right angle like Kaz had demonstrated.

He let out a murderous scream whilst dropping the tea set onto the ground, the shattering of the pieces echoing in your heart and mind. However, this granted you enough time to grab the edge of his jacket and pull him through the doorframe, using every ounce of your strength.

He stumbled down the steps of the small apartment, loosing his footing and falling rapidly, landing brutally on the cobblestone street below and roaring in pain as a jolting crack resounded from where he landed.

Without thinking, you scrambled inside, bolted the door, and ran as fast as you possibly could out of the side entrance, internally crying as your boots struggled through the remains of your husband's most beloved item.

As you struggled through the tight alleyway, you prayed that the Stadwatch had noticed the commotion and apprehended the man. As you bolted down the poorly lit streets of the barrel, thoughts of terror began plaguing your mind.

What if Kaz hadn’t taught you to defend yourself? What if you had reacted too slowly? Would Kaz be angry with you for not finishing the job? How would ‘Dirtyhands’ react to your utter horror at one intruder?

You were abruptly ripped from your thoughts by the unmistakable image of a crow, hanging magnificently above the crowded street. Pushing your way through the crowd, you suppressed the nerves rising in your chest, threatening to choke you, as you entered the crow club for the first time.

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The unmistakable smell of alcohol and smoke clouded your senses immediately, as crowds of ‘pigeons,’ as Kaz may call them, wandered around the floor without a care for others around them.

As frightening as the previous events had been, you didn’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed by this too, shoving your violently shaking hands into your pockets to stop the visible nerves from showing.

Jesper and Wylan sat in close proximity at the bar edge, as far from the yelling and cheering of the customers as they possibly could. Your gazed locked onto the face of the tall Zemeni man, thinking back to the hundreds of times Kaz’s mask had slipped, and he had spoken fondly of his best friend.

Despite Kaz’s firm objection to verbal communication, he often fell victim to your warmth and comfort, his affections for his crew spilling into casual conversation, almost subconsciously. Of course, the Bastard of the Barrel couldn’t hold onto something as weak as friendship. However, this meant that you were very familiar with each of his ‘crows,’ despite never officially meeting any of them.

Mustering all the courage you could, you sucked in a sharp breath, preparing yourself for the challenging journey to your last hope at finding him.

You weaved your way cautiously between the rowdy groups, dodging drunken gestures and swinging arms, until you reached the pair sat at the bar, panic spreading through your body like wildfire. You made note to keep your hands firmly tucked within the safety of your jacket, in a feeble attempt to keep up a façade of confidence.

As their gazes turned towards you, you gently cleared your throat in the hopes of removing any indication of fright, and in turn, weakness from your voice.

“I’m looking for Kaz? Kaz Brekker?” you stuttered out, eyes darting around to avoid the quizzical gazes of the two men in front of you. Under different circumstances you wished to have met them when your usual air of joy blanketed not only you, but all of those who encountered you too. Yet it seemed like the Saints weren't on your side for that wish today.

You were snapped back from your thoughts, as they glanced at each other, sharing an unspoken but clear sense of bewilderment between them at your odd request. Often drunken pigeons, or rough street urchins would request to see the boss, but it wasn’t a common sight to see a regularly dressed citizen in such a state demanding an audience with Mr Brekker himself.

“I’m afraid it’s pretty difficult to get a meeting with the boss, always busy you know?” spoke the man you assumed to be Jesper, in a kind but skeptical tone, swirling the drink in his hand as he failed to decipher the reason for your visit.

Panic began to claw its way deeper into your chest, as you quickly blurted out “Please, its important, I need to see Kaz. Please bring me to see him.” The sudden outburst once again surprised the men, however Wylan’s gaze softened at the clear desperation on your features, and Jesper’s confusion morphed into something that resembled pity.

Wylan subtly leaned into Jesper, whispering “I think you should take her, she seems pretty desperate?” causing Jesper to let out a sigh before meeting your gaze yet again.

Reluctantly, Jesper stood up, stretching his limbs well, before letting out a dramatic sigh, followed by a feigned annoyance at the request, analyzing you for a moment before stating, “Let’s go see the boss then.”

He quickly turned back to you, flashing a lopsided, yet winning grin, which put to rest some of the bubbling anxiety that was becoming inescapable. As you ascended the stairs to his office, a skeptical looking woman glanced curiously up at the three of you, hopping out of her chair to trail behind you, whilst stuffing the remains of what looked like a waffle into her mouth.

Before you could inquire about the third individual following your small group, you were suddenly met with the dark oak door of Kaz Brekker’s office. Jesper shot another reassuring grin back at you, as he rapidly knocked on the office door and let himself in before an answer called out.

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The instant you saw your husband, the tears glossed over your eyes, shining with a dangerous threat of escaping. However, to your surprise, you were able to win the valiant battle for a little longer.

You knew how vital it was for your husband to keep his personal life separated from his work life; one wrong move, and you could end up in the hands of another gang, tortured in exchange for information on the Dregs. This knowledge was what kept you from barreling towards his desk without a second thought, with even the smallest slip from Jesper potentially ruining every bit of yours and Kaz’s struggle to break down his walls.

Kaz sat at his desk at the centre of the bleak room, a faint patch of light hitting his face from a glowing street lantern, casting deep shadows across his sharp features. His shoulders tensed as he remained solely focused on the blueprint in front of him, his harsh glare at the sheet almost seemed as if he was planning to murder it. Perhaps if you weren’t so shaken you may have let out a soft laugh at his pure concentration.

“What is it? I have no time for irrelevant interruption, this marksheet needs to be completed before twelve bells tonight,” A sharp voice suddenly cut through the thick silence. Jesper cleared his throat before confronting his boss, shifting his weight between each foot at the temper that Kaz was evidently displaying.

“Well, you see, I was sitting downstairs with Wylan at the bar, when all of a sudden…” Jesper started, but was cut off by a deadly look from Kaz to get to the point. As his gaze shot upwards towards the sharpshooter, he finally noticed the second figure in the room and his heart plummeted.

Why were you here?

Kaz’s mind began spinning, grasping for any logical reason as to why you were in the one of the most dangerous staves of the Barrel, requiring his assistance.

An identical panic to yours seized his chest as he inspected your state, your hair was windswept, eyes glossed over and glinting with a touch of fear, a visible shake to your arms and legs, which he had been fortunate enough to never experience until now.

You looked utterly terrified.

A single murderous look was enough for Jesper to throw his hands up in defense, and saunter quietly out of the room, glancing curiously back at the two of you as he shut the door. Jesper thought to himself that his life in the long run would be far more valuable than the price of his curiosity now.

Although Kaz is a man of few words, he seemed truly speechless, barely managing to register his own steps as he moved slowly towards you, each limp bringing his comfort closer and closer to you. Once he had reached your figure, he noticed you had curled in on yourself, hands clasped firmly together in front of you, and eyes darting rapidly around his face, searching for something, as it appeared to him.

He slowly reached towards you, and with a gloved hand, tenderly unwound your fingers from their iron grip, instead intertwining them with his own to bring you comfort and slow your light but swift breathing. Kaz remained tight-lipped, words rushing through his head, yet not formulating into any combination which he thought would be appropriate to calm you down.

He gazed intensely into your eyes, softening with each moment as he took in your shaken state, something that was rare due to his exceptional ability to keep you away from his violent life.

Until now.

Yet you had taught him not to run anymore when he encounters challenges, leading him to battle his mind later, and care for you in the present. Plus, you had the courage to make your way through the barrel in this condition, the least he could do was give you his everything.

You released a long, shaky sigh, staring only at Kaz’s chest now in order to match your breaths, imagining that your hearts were beating together too. You knew Kaz was struggling to find a grip within his thoughts, fingers twitching against your own as his body worked overtime, in a way it only did for you.

Several minutes passed in a strange silence, as the pair of you basked in each other's presence, the close distance allowing both of you to be assured the other is safe and within reach, yet the tension and anxiety still buzzed through the air.

“Someone broke in, I’m not sure who or from where. Tried to steal your favorite tea set, you know the one you brought back from Ravka once? I hit him square like you said. But it, but it boke. Shattered actually. It gave me enough time to run, but I don’t know. He may have followed or…” you suddenly burst out, the emotions flowing out of you through your words, and soon to follow were the tears.

You were cut off in your rambling however, as a feather-light kiss graced your temple, drawing you into a pool of warmth, suddenly able to feel the heat of the fire and the glow of the candles that surrounded Kaz’s office, likely gifts of yours.

Although Kaz’s voice was hardened, you knew he was holding back significantly to soothe you, building up wrath to unleash on the unfortunate man who entered your house earlier. The claws of the anxiety released their hold on you, allowing you to breathe deeply for the first time in hours.

“I’m here, darling, and you don’t need to think about that anymore,” he eventually breathed out, “I'll take care of it. I promise. I promise you,” he whispered against your forehead, again leaving the faintest outline of a kiss on the soft skin.

Whilst he was nowhere near healed, over the years you had opened up his deepest wounds and started to stitch them up, with each moment the pain easing ever so slightly. Direct touches were now common, with light pecks, or hand holding being Kaz's most favored actions.

Sometimes if you were lucky, you could get a short kiss on the lips, or a long hug through the safety of many layers; each being evident signs of his love for you, and how you were truly the only one to crack the code to the Bastard of the Barrel's heart.

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Kaz didn’t leave your side for the remainder of the night, bringing you anything you asked for, sitting the armchair closer to his desk to keep him company, hands held tightly until he deemed it safe enough to escort you home.

Wrapping you warmly with his largest coat, he gently placed his best hat atop your head, offering a small smile and breathy laugh as it tilted at an angle. Looking up to meet his gaze, you returned the grin, smile spreading to your eyes and cheeks. Kaz carefully adjusted the edges of the coat to obscure your face, being thorough in the process to avoid any identification of who was accompanying him.

As the door clicked open, and the pair stepped into the hallway, pinkies interlinked, a group of three snooping crows barreled backwards, hitting into each other and the walls. Kaz sent a deathly glare at each of them, as they stood in shock at the sight before them, Jesper gasping, Wylan gaping with fright, and Nina's smirk widening by the second.

After a series of extreme threats hurled at the group outside his office, Kaz pushed past them and dragged you with him, turning his coat collar upwards to hide the growing embarrassment colouring his face.

He crushed the feeling down, instead turning to his internal plotting to enact revenge on your behalf, inwardly smirking at the image of the man begging him for mercy as he pays for his offence in blood.

Meanwhile, Nina stood grinning to herself, proud of her newfound knowledge which she was certain she could use against Kaz at some point soon. Because from that office, she not only heard the hammering heart of the poor citizen girl, but also the one of a love-struck gang leader too.

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[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

All my flowers grew back as thorns Windows boarded up after the storm He built a fire just to keep me warm All the drama queens taking swings All the jokers dressin' up as kings They fade to nothin' when I look at him

And I know I make the same mistakes every time Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right I did one thing right I'm laughin' with my lover, makin' forts under covers Trust him like a brother, yeah, you know I did one thing right Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night

Summary: Nikolai Lantsov is sick and you take care of him and both of you have epiphanies as you let your guard down. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, nightmares, mentions of traumatic childhood and sickness, references to It’s Okay Not to Be Okay TV Show.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that means the world to me! After a long wait, here is the long anticipated and awaited Chapter 3 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience!  I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because it means a lot to me! I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth 

Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

You had no reason to be here. 

In fact, you should have been outside enjoying the nice sunshine, the lovely fragrance of flowers and cool wind. You could be anywhere at the moment. You could be training with Zoya, taking walks with Genya and David or just gossiping with Nina over your favorite sweets and hot tea. 

But here you were in Nikolai Lantsov’s chambers as you gazed at him, his blonde hair messed and disheveled, beads of sweat running down his forehead as he muttered in feverish delirium. 

Nikolai had been unwell for three days. The Healer who had been annoyed by your irritating disposition of questioning them in worry had stated that it was a fever with a cold and cough that would last a week but Nikolai would be fine. But that didn’t ease the anxiety and worry that coiled in your stomach every time you looked at Nikolai’s pale, sweaty and feverish face. He looked no better than he was the past days. Nikolai had met you in the morning three days ago looking rather unwell and when you suggested he should go rest, he had collapsed onto the ground unconscious. The feeling of dread and worry that you had felt in that moment still lingered with you. 

You knew you should leave now. You had stayed long enough. You had been by Nikolai’s bedside for the past three days watching over him, looking after him, nursing him and holding his hand in his feverish delirium when he called out for you. You didn’t plan to stay with him but something about Nikolai lying so still and unmoving made you brave through your loathing for sickbeds as you dabbed cool towels on his forehead and fed him gently through his bleary consciousness where he was barely awake. You first had insisted on sitting there watching him but Nina had persuaded you to eat and sleep. When Nikolai was asleep, you would read to him, talk to him, help Zoya, Genya and David with state affairs and brighten up Nikolai’s room with flowers.

Now you were staring at Nikolai who was burning up with fever as you desperately dabbed a watery cold cloth on his forehead as you looked at him helplessly. 

You didn’t know why you were crying. It was maybe because you hated sitting near sick people waiting for them to wake up. It was maybe because you missed Nikolai who was loud, joked around and smiled brightly and it scared you that he was lying on the dozens of pillows pale and sickly, weak and unconscious. You admonished yourself for being childish and silly as you wiped away your tears that you knew wouldn’t change anything. Crying didn’t bring what you lost. 

You wiped away your tears as you looked at Nikolai earnestly and honestly and then lightly slapped him on his cheek “ Listen to me, you ridiculous boy. I don’t care if you get better or not... there are plenty of ridiculous, silly, idiotic kings who I can become friends with. But... I’m going to give you one more chance, Nikolai Lantsov.”

You squeezed his hand gently as you smiled softly at him and didn’t let go. As the moments passed by, the sleepiness overtook you and you drifted into sleep next to Nikolai, your book forgotten on your lap. 

After an hour, Nikolai stirred through the darkness of his consciousness, feeling heavy headed and sore as everything ached within him. The light struck his sleepy and bleary eyes that fluttered open as his mouth felt like sandpaper and his body ached in exhaustion and pain. His head thrummed in pain as he shifted himself upwards feeling something soft and steady in his hand. Nikolai blinked as his eyes landed upon you lounged lazily on a chair next to his bed as your hair was a mop of messy tangled hair as your head lay on his bed next to his hand you were holding onto tightly. 

Nikolai’s jaw dropped in surprise as he blinked and then once hoping that this wasn’t a dream as he stared complete surprise and wonder unfurling and blooming in his chest at the sight of you sleeping next to him, waiting for him to wake up. It looked uncomfortable to sleep like that and Nikolai wondered how many days, hours you had been there next to him. Nikolai had never expected anyone to be there next to his bed when he woke up. He had never had anyone waiting for him to wake up and inquire whether he was fine when he was sick. They only cared about the King’s good health not about how the boy was feeling. 

Seeing your head lying down on his bed as you squeezed his hand gently and tightly made a lump of emotion grow in his throat, as his fingers quietly traced little patterns on your skin. Nikolai’s lips twitched into a small smile as he stared at your peaceful expression, relaxed stance as you slept deeply and he knew this was something he wanted forever. 

At that very moment, the door opened as Nina walked in startling Nikolai from the blissful and intimate moment he was enjoying as she observed in gladness that he was awake “Saints! Thank the Saints, you are alive and awake! Y/N was driving everyone crazy around here!”

Nikolai’s throat was parched as Nina handed over a glass of water to him and he didn’t miss the teasing smirk she threw at him as she looked at his hand intertwined in yours as you slept next to him “Nina Zenik... how long was I out?”

“Three days. You were having a raging fever with a really bad cough and cold.” said Nina honestly as she handed over another glass of water to a thankful Nikolai who drank it greedily and Nina smirked as she nodded toward you “Well, well... you two seem to be very cozy with each other.”

Nikolai nearly choked on his water as he started coughing “I - this - nothing happened between us! I woke up like this and she was just holding my hand!”

“Uh huh? So why are you still holding onto her hand?” asked Nina with a teasing grin while Nikolai glared at Nina, his head hurting really badly and Nina laughed knowingly “Don’t wake her up. She has had no proper sleep staying next to you all the time these three days.”

“What?” queried Nikolai stunned and shocked at the revelation of you staying by his bedside every moment of the three days where he tossed and turned in sickness and restlessness. Nikolai felt something odd and wonderful bloom in his chest as he wondered why you would do that for him. “Y/N... she was here with me all this time?”

“Oh yeah. Such a stubborn ass, wouldn’t leave you alone. She insisted on nursing you and looking after you. She nearly strangled and had a shouting match with the Healer because you weren’t getting better.” said Nina honestly and sincerely, her lips twitching into a small smirk at remembering how today morning Zoya, Genya and her had to calm down a fight between you and a Healer who had argued about the best course of medicine to be taken. “I’ve never seen her so worried about anyone.”

Nikolai’s eyes glinted in amusement and surprise as he looked at you softly amazed at how protective and worried you had been over him. There you were resting deeply, your head wandering in peaceful and sweet dreams where your worries and nightmares were washed away. 

“I didn’t know.” whispered Nikolai in amazement wanting to run his fingers through your hair. “I suppose it’s natural for her to be worried about her friends.”

“No. Y/N hates sickbeds. Loathes it with her life. She hates getting sick and sick people. She doesn’t really stay by anyone’s side when they are sick because...” said Nina quietly and softly with a protective gleam in her eyes and cut off her sentence, stopping herself from revealing anything important “This is the first time she’s stayed by a sickbed... so you must be someone very important to her.”

Nikolai looked over at you. You hated sickbeds so much and yet you had stayed firmly by his side, refusing to leave him. He wondered why you hated sickbeds and what changed your mind about staying next to him. Why were you beside him when you could leave and spare yourself the horror?

Nikolai was greeted by Zoya and Genya and the Healer who was sent for. Nikolai noted that the Healer sent a look of relief at the fact that you were sleeping as he was examined by the Healer. As the Healer finished examining him and spoke about his quick recovery if he adhered to bed rest and drinking his medicine, you stirred awake from your deep slumber as your eyes fluttered open and you groaned as you hoisted yourself up to meet his hazel eyes. Nikolai saw your eyes widen in pleasant surprise and grateful relief as they darted across his face and swore your hand tightened on his with gladness. Nikolai saw you take in your surroundings as you blushed when you saw Zoya, Genya and Nina grin and waggle their eyebrows in teasing. 

But your demeanor grew stiff when you saw the Healer who prescribed tonics and rattled out cures that frankly you didn’t believe as you questioned the Healer skeptically making Nikolai hide an amused grin and the Healer breathe out in exasperation “Out of the both of us, I believe I have studied the intricate art of human anatomy thoroughly. Therefore, I don’t think I need your suggestions.”

You glared at the Healer as you pursed your lips while Zoya, Genya and Nina quickly ushered the Healer who threw you a dirty glance out of the room while you carefully inspected one of the tonics given for a coughing fit. 

“You shouldn’t have been that hard on her. After all, she knows what she is doing.” said Nikolai quietly in amusement as he stared at you inspecting his medicine skeptically. 

“I studied medicine at the University of Ketterdam and apprenticed with one of the finest medik for a few months.” you said pleasantly as you rolled your eyes at Nikolai “I think I know far more than I let people know.”

“What? When? How?” spluttered Nikolai in bemusement and surprise at the very shocking revelation because he couldn’t imagine you dilligently studying medicine at the University of Ketterdam. 

“For a mission to retrieve information.” you replied shortly and then kept the medicine away as you looked at Nikolai who had, had better days “So... you’re not dead.”

“Sorry to disappoint. It didn’t suit me.” replied Nikolai playfully with a grin as you smiled softly “Were you crying over me, Y/N? Tears of sorrow?”

You glared at him fiercely as he laughed “Tears of joy. I hate finding new Kings to befriend.”

“Ah. Why did you stay with me here while I was sick?” queried Nikolai curiously with a small smile but his heart wanted to know the truth as to why you cared so much. “You could have entertained yourself with the delights of the palace.”

“I didn’t want you to feel alone when you woke up.” you said softly and quietly, your face gleaming in thoughtful contemplation as your eyes glinted in understanding and companionship that took Nikolai’s breath away “I know a little of how that feels like and I never want anyone to feel that way.”

“Well, I’m sick and tired so if you want... you can tell me how you know the feeling of being alone.” proposed Nikolai softly as he looked at you intensely, his breath catching in wonder and affection.

You were silent for a long moment as your eyes strayed into a land where Nikolai could not follow as your face grew deadly quiet and reminiscent as you finally spoke “My mother, brother and I came to Ketterdam when I was little. I barely remember my village. Ketterdam became my home the moment we stepped foot there. We were hungry, poor and alone in the land of the wicked.”

“My mother did odd jobs. I remember her always complaining about how she should have had no children, then there would be no mouths to feed. My brother...” you trailed softly in quiet remembrance as pain and grief seeped in your eyes as a flicker of a tiny smile appeared on your face while Nikolai listened in rapt attention “My brother... was big on dreaming. He wasn’t like my ma... he was very positive. He would always be tired after his day but he never went without teaching me every day and dropping me off at the library, encouraging me to read and talk with him. He’d have these crazy ideas on how to change the world... how we both could do it. He had a dream that he’d save up enough money one day so I could attend university and ‘become a lady’, he called it.”

Nikolai smiled at the description of your big brother that he thought he would like to meet as he replied quietly “I like him. He sounds like a lad full of hope. I’d bet we’d get along famously if we ever met.”

Your eyes flickered with grief but you smiled at the thought of these two boys meeting but your smile was brief. Nikolai watched your face harden with steel and grief as your eyes were full of tidal waves of fury and suffering as you gripped the arm rests of your chair so tightly that your knuckles grew completely white. 

Nikolai felt concerned at the sudden change as he leaned toward you because he had never seen your kind and good - humored demeanor suddenly and quickly change into one of vengeance and fury fueled with grief and broken trust. 

“You can meet him. If you plan on dying.” you retorted quietly but there was a cutting edge to your voice that took Nikolai’s breath away as the overwhelming realization of the truth of where your brother was hit him hard. 

Nikolai’s eyes widened with concern and understanding “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity.” you replied harshly as you looked away from Nikolai “People die all the time. It’s what defines life. Nothing lasts forever.”

Nikolai didn’t understand how to comfort you because what could he say that would fill the hole the loss of a loving brother left in your heart? He wanted to say so many things to you. He wanted to hold you in his arms and never let you go. He wanted you to know that he understood the grief of losing a brother too. Nikolai wanted to take away all the grief and sadness that spoiled your life and grant you nothing but happiness and love all your life. 

“When the firepox plague hit Ketterdam, my brother and I got hit with it. My brother wasn’t struck down badly as I was... I was dying. My mama told us we’ll be fine, that finally she had found a medik who would treat both of us... treat me and give both of us the medicine. We believed her... we thought we’d soon get better together.” you said quietly and reminiscently as you remembered the coughing fits and burning fever that made you delirious as you held onto your brother who stroked your hair gently and told you stories and sang you gentle lullabies giving you hope. 

“The firepox made me delirious and weak... weaker than my brother. The last thing I remember about my Y/B/N is seeing my mother hand a few kruge to the medik with a lily tattoo who gave her more kruge and dragged away my struggling brother. My spinning feverish head thought he’d come back all cured.” you said with a dark gleam in your tearful eyes as you fiddled with a purple ribbon that you had tied around your finger, your heart feeling bitter and broken as you had realized the truth far too late. “I tried to call out his name but I couldn’t speak and before I could do anything... my mother laughed and knocked me unconscious.”

“When I woke up... I was on the street all alone. I was meant to die but somehow I survived.” you whispered softly as you looked at Nikolai whose expression was one of horror and shock as he stared at you wide eyed in amazement and pain as you felt incredible grief and agony within you “Alone in Ketterdam... I learnt to fend for myself. After I really realized what happened to my brother, all I did was try to find my brother.”

There was only one thought that echoed in your head after you woke up, in every moment of your waking hours and dreams after you survived and motivated you to keep going.

“I need to find Y/B/N. I need to find him. I need to make sure he’s okay. No matter how far away you are, where they have taken you, I’m coming for you and I will never stop until you are safe!”

“I did everything. I tugged on every string and listened for every whisper and waited patiently and sharpened my skills because I knew he was alive. I felt it in my heart.” you said honestly and quietly with thoughtfulness and reminiscence in your eyes that met Nikolai’s curious and shocked hazel eyes that gleamed with empathy for you as you remembered how you had met the Devil himself “I tugged on one of the strings Kaz was working on and he helped me with his contacts and finding information on slavers and indentures.”

“I finally found Y/B/N. He was alive. And I knew I wouldn’t rest until he was safe. The plan was we free those captured along with my brother. I remember I managed to free him with the help of the Crows but the slavers wouldn’t let him escape easily. One of the men tried to shoot me but my stupid brother... took the shot meant for me! He was so brave until the end... and I hate him for that.” you spat out in anger and pain as your eyes were filled with tears that trickled down your cheeks, the bottled suffering and grief suddenly uncorked and broken as you remembered how you had let out an inhumane howl as your brother caressed your cheek and asked you to smile for him one last time as he tried to tell you everything you didn’t get to tell him. 

You remembered his last moments clearly as if it was yesterday. 

“You listen to me. You’re going to be alone now. You’re going to be furious, angry and sad. Whatever happens next, wherever you go... always be kind and brave.” breathed Y/B/N harshly as you tried to stop the blood from flowing out while the rest of your friends looked upon you respectfully with sadness as you shook your head in denial and pain and your brother held your hand tightly as he could while Nina was trying her best to save him “Please... this is an order. Don’t you dare turn into a monster... don’t insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die... and no one will get hurt.”

Kaz had looked at you intently as you gazed upon your brother in stunned disbelief and denial, your hands warm with his blood as you cried “What about me?”

“Let’s both be brave.” he whispered softly as he pressed a soft kiss onto your hand, his eyes fluttering as the light began to fade. 

“No! No! Stay with me! Stay with me! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this!” you screamed and shrieked as tears fell down your cheeks in big fat drops, heartbreak and disbelief written all over your face as you tried to stop Death from taking your brother. 

“Smile for me... one last time... my brave princess...” whispered your brother with a brave and reassuring smile of his own as he tried to wipe away your tears while you couldn’t understand why he wasn’t fighting to live as you managed to smile a little for him and his face grew content and happy as he drew his last breath “Don’t worry... in your dreams, I’ll still be there.”

“Please don’t leave me! Please, I won’t leave you! Stay with me!” you sobbed in piercing agony and suffering because you had never felt this type of pain in your life, the pain that tore you open and made you bleed until there was nothing left as you buried your head into your brother but suddenly there were more gun shots, Jesper trying to drag you away from your brother but you were being stubborn until you heard a rough salt stone voice apologize quietly as he dragged you screaming away from your dead brother’s corpse. 

“Y/N!” exclaimed Nikolai’s concerned voice interrupted the flashback as you came back to reality startled and alarmed. “Y/N!”

“I’m fine. I just remembered.” you answered quietly with a sad smile that made Nikolai’s heart ache with hurt and pain at the sadness that tugged at your eyes. “Do you want to know how the story ends? What I did to those who killed my brother?”

Nikolai took a sharp intake of breath as he felt his heart pound loudly in his chest as he stared in quiet shock and understanding at you, the darkness within you that had been unleashed freely in front of him as it taunted him. Your darkness and mercilessness that you had displayed with vengeance and cruelty came to light in front of him and seemed to laugh at him, challenging him to truly see you for who you were and asked him whether he could truly love a girl with blood on your hands. Nikolai looked into your eyes dark with mercilessness and vengeance and saw that whatever you did to those who had taken your brother from you, they had suffered until their last breath more than they could handle.

You challenged him to leave you. You were hoping that he would be afraid of you and run away.

Well tough luck because Nikolai was here to stay. 

“I don’t care what you did to them.” replied Nikolai with surety and certainty that surprised you. “I care about how you feel.”

“You won’t hate me if I told you I tried my best to obey my brother, to not insult his memory with bloodshed but I failed because my spite and anger got the best of me? That I couldn’t rest until I had ripped out their heart as they did mine? That before they died, I taunted them with their worst fears and demons? That when they died, their last thought was nothing but fear and shame, screaming for me to have mercy on their loved ones? That I skinned them and hung their heads in the Fifth Harbor as a warning to all slavers?” you questioned, sitting in your hurt and pain as you remembered how you had been vicious and cruel in your quest for vengeance, your spite and hatred clouding your heart as you unforgivingly snatched away the lives of those men.

There was utter and complete silence between them as you looked into Nikolai’s hazel eyes flickering with soft understanding and quiet empathy as he stared back at you as if he was seen you for the first time and finally he spoke, his voice barely a whisper as he extended his hand to you “I can only assure you that I hope they knew the meaning of pain and regretted snatching your brother’s life in their last moments.”

Your eyes widened in shock because you didn’t expect Nikolai to understand you and agree with you. You had expected him to gasp in shock and push you away in loathing and hatred. You had expected him to see the truth of your darkness and the devil you saw in the mirror and feel nothing but anger and loathing toward your twisted and crooked ways and choices. You hadn’t expected him to understand your bitter past and all the times you couldn’t be good and sweet in this world.  

You looked at Nikolai who extended his hand toward you in welcome as you reluctantly placed your shaking hand in his as his fingers wrapped around your hand reassuringly and tightly, a promise to stand by you through your darkest times glinting in his hazel eyes. 

“The worst thing you’ve ever done, the darkest thought you ever had, I’ll stand by you through it all.” whispered Nikolai sincerely and softly, with staggering honesty and affection in his hazel eyes that took your breath away. 

You couldn’t breath for a moment as you met his unwavering gaze and spoke hoarsely in disbelief “And why would you do that?”

“Because...” began Nikolai, the three words dancing on the tip of his tongue in certainty ready to spill out but he felt scared at confessing those sacred words that could change everything “Because you’re my friend and I won’t leave you.”

Nikolai saw your eyes flicker in surprise and warmth at his confession as you looked at him in quiet gratitude and wonder as you held onto his hand, a small smile appearing on your face as you were lost for words and he squeezed your hand “Did you love your brother?”

Nikolai saw your brow furrow with pain and grief as you glared fiercely at him in response and he looked at you gently “Then stop blaming yourself and hating him for what he did. He died for who he loved the most in this world and believed that your life was worth living.”

You felt a lump of emotion swell up in your throat as tears pricked your eyes and you looked away because this grief was a tidal wave that you thought you could survive but a part of you felt empty and useless as you croaked out “It just feels - it doesn’t feel fair. He had a life ahead of him. I could have... I could have saved him but I just froze.”

“This - it’s just - it feels as if a part of me died with him that night. Whatever I do, he won’t be there.” you said as a tear rolled down your cheek as you felt the grief that had persevered in the form of love for your brother “It’s been years and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. I loved him so much!”

Nikolai understood the pain and grief of losing someone he loved deeply. He truly understood the pain and suffering that overwhelmed him at the remembrance of seeing the light fade away in the eyes of his best friend and brother, Dominik as bullets flew overheard them and explosions were the sound of his heart breaking. He felt tears prick his eyes as he remembered how Dominik had taken the bullet for him willingly with such courage and fervor, with the belief that Nikolai would be the one to make Ravka right again. 

“I know.” said Nikolai sincerely as he shifted toward you, both of his hands reaching out to cup your hand in his as he pressed a gentle kiss on your knuckles as you cried “I understand. But I have a feeling nothing was going to stop him from saving you.”

You sniffled as you felt that Nikolai wasn’t talking about just your brother, he was speaking from a deeper, tragic experience from his past that was full of grief and suffering for him after losing someone he loved as well as you buried your face in his hands, your lips gently brushing a kiss on his knuckles as you squeezed his hand comfortingly as you realized this was the second time you had let yourself truly break down. 

The first time you had broken down was with Kaz. After your brother died, you had lost sight of all meaning and purpose of life as you silently screamed and drowned in the abyss of pain and grief. You had lost appetite, the light in your eyes had extinguished, tears and regret were your constant companion as you locked yourself in your room. Your friends had tried to help you but they didn’t understand you as you pushed them away. 

But you hadn’t expected Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the heartless bastard to sit outside your room and keep you company as you cried your heart out, bring you food and sustenance that he forcefully fed you, sit in quiet silence with you, stand in the rain waiting for you as you sat by your brother’s grave on the day of his funeral not moving for a long time as you tried to comprehend reality and quietly confide little pieces of his past about Jordie as he made your grief, anger, vengeance and pain understood and seen. His gestures had been quiet but it had meant the world to you. Perhaps that was when you had started to fall for Kaz Brekker without even knowing. 

You took a deep breath as you wiped away your tears with the sleeve of your black shirt. You suddenly realized that it wasn’t your shirt. It was Kaz’ shirt, one of the many you had stolen from him and he had let you borrow it with that little smile of his as he reassured you that you looked better in it with that sly twinkle in his dark eyes. You had always felt safe and cozy in his shirt as you felt a sudden sense of quiet pain and soft affection bloom in your heart for the Bastard of the Barrel who had found a way to be with you through all these miles. It smelled like him, cuttingly comforting and honest as the fragrance of sharp mint and clean soap seeped into your senses making you feel dizzy. 

“Y/N?” asked Nikolai with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at you who looked lost in your thoughts “Kruge for your thoughts? Does my presence bore you so much that you are lost in thoughts of a certain enigmatic Bastard of the Barrel who broke your heart?”

“What? No!” you exclaimed shaking your head in denial and surprise at how well Nikolai could read you as a faint color seeped into your cheeks. “I wasn’t thinking of him!”

Nikolai’s heart cracked in hurt and pain as he coughed but shook his head slightly as he smiled sadly “You have an expression when you think of him. It’s wistful and sad with a touch of fond happiness. Your eyes... they do this thing when you think of him where you are smiling and happy but your eyes are big and sad. It’s like you’re feeling two emotions at once.”

You were surprised at how sharply Nikolai had observed you and understood you as you were silent for a few moments and you finally found your tongue “I - I - I just got lost in my thoughts. That’s all.”

“Do you miss him?” asked Nikolai, feeling a sharp pain in his heart as he thought of your head full of thoughts only of Kaz Brekker.

There was a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai so intensely with quiet contemplation as you tugged on the sleeve of your shirt and whispered “Sometimes.”

Nikolai felt a spark of hope light up in his heart as he felt your gaze burn him intensely and passionately as he realized that you were beginning to perhaps take tiny steps to move away from Kaz without you knowing it. He felt breathless as he felt your quiet burning gaze on him, making him feel warm and tethered, dizzy and happy. There was something in the way you looked at him now that had changed. Your eyes smiled softly and fondly with sparks of affection when you looked at him and Nikolai felt his head spin not entirely from the fever at the thought of you loving him back. 

Nikolai was tongue tied and speechless as he looked away trying to squash the traitorous hope in him that had blossomed since the last night they had spent together at the ball and now was lit afire at the way you were looking at him, looking so beautiful as you sat by his bedside when you could have been doing anything in the world. 

“Are you thinking or have you finally found a way to be silent as a grave?” you remarked sassily as you looked fondly with a teasing smile observing Nikolai who had fallen into a thoughtful and confused contemplation. 

Nikolai smiled softly “No... just thinking.”

“Don’t think too much, it might hurt that pretty head of yours.” you snarked with a fond and teasing smile as you observed Nikolai who looked exhausted and sick as his eyes fluttered shut for a moment “What are you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing.” said Nikolai tiredly as he lay back on the pillows, his head aching profusely and stubbornly as he closed his eyes and you didn’t press and prod further. 

You reached for the medicine that lay on the cabinet as you realized that Nikolai needed to drink his medicine and took them into your hands when Nikolai opened his eyes “What are you doing, my love?”

You ignored the fluttering in your stomach at the little endearment Nikolai used to address you as you poured the medicine in the indicated dosages “You need to drink your medicine, Nikolai to get - SAINTS, NIKOLAI, DON’T TRY TO RUN!”

Nikolai’s eyes widened with horror at those words as he tried to get up, his body aching with pain as he tried to run away but he got tangled up in the dozens of pillows and blankets as he cursed ignoring your shouting, and when he finally managed to stand up, he felt you hold him from behind preventing him from leaving the bed. 

Nikolai struggled and screamed, kicking his legs like a little child while you snapped “Come on, be a good boy and take your medicine to get well - OUCH, YOU WRETECHED TERROR, DID YOU FUCKING BITE ME?”

Nikolai grinned widely as he tried to slip away from your grasp feeling slightly bad for you but he was not going to take his medicine as he heard you admonish him “Nikolai, I swear, I’m sick of you!  Come here now before I make you!”

“OH YEAH? TRY ME!” challenged Nikolai as he managed to stand up and wobble with the bloody blankets wrapped around him. 

You were not going to tolerate Nikolai biting you and challenging your authority as the responsible caregiver in this situation as you took off your earrings “Oh no, oh hell no! You see, I’ve been treating you with respect like a King but I forgot what you really are... a whining brat waiting to be punished!”

Nikolai was stunned for a moment as he felt his soul leave his body at your words and the furious and commanding glint in your dark eyes as you cornered him and leapt upon him making him scream, your legs wrapping around his waist tightly as you pushed him back onto the bed with no hesitation and mercy as he fell back to the bed, tangled up with the blankets and you on top of him.

You were on top of him, your legs wrapped around him as you held him down by the shoulders, your face just inches away from his. Nikolai was going to die. This was how Nikolai died. Not bravely in battle. Not saving anyone’s life. Not peacefully in a deathbed. No, Nikolai knew he was going to die because you were now holding him down with a wicked grin that was going to be the death of him because he was having multiple heart attacks at the fact the girl of his dreams who he loved with all his heart was on top of him with a deliciously wicked smirk, your eyes glinting in amusement.

“I told you not to test me, you wretched brat!” you exclaimed in exasperation as you slapped Nikolai twice on the cheek making him groan in submissive enjoyment and slight pain. 

Nikolai was sick but he had to admit this was a pleasant outcome of having fever and cold as he smirked “Saints, I’m loving the view. Care to slap me again?”

“I am not going to give you the satisfaction.” you replied, your cheeks coloring a rosy pink much to Nikolai’s delight as you took the medicine and he wriggled underneath you trying to escape but you had a hold on him “Nikolai, don’t make this harder than it already is! If you don’t drink the medicine -”

“What are you going to do? Spank me?” challenged Nikolai with a teasing twinkle in his eyes as he grinned at your flustered blushing expression but his thoughts were now in a place of pleasure and delight with you and him, nothing but kisses on your skin and hearing you scream out his name. 

You spluttered but schooled your expression into a stern and honest one as you replied coolly “No. If you don’t take the medicine and behave yourself... I’m going to leave Ravka tonight and never come back again.”

Nikolai froze underneath you in shock because he didn’t believe you, only thinking that this was just a trick to get him to drink his medicine “You’re lying.”

You slipped away from Nikolai easily and he winced at the loss of contact with you as he itched to reach out and wrap his arms around you to keep you close to him and you replied completely seriously “Make smart choices if you don’t want to find out the truth.”

Nikolai flinched as he looked at you because he didn’t want to believe that you’d leave him in this state. He didn’t want to believe that you would leave him and never come back for him. But the truth was, why would you stay? There was nothing tying you down to Ravka and he was just a friend to you, a companion who you were friendly with during your holiday. Ketterdam was where your heart was. 

Nikolai suddenly felt that he didn’t want to find out the truth and thought the bitter medicine was a better option than have you leave his side as he snatched the medicine from your hands “You win, you impossible girl.”

Nikolai saw a small smile appear on your face and he felt warmth bloom in his chest at making you smile and thought he’d always let you win to see you smile as you gave him his medicine “See, that’s better. Here drink these. You’ll feel better.”

Nikolai pouted as he took the first dose of medicine and promptly started coughing at how bitter it was as he felt you pat his back sympathetically and he exclaimed “THIS TASTES LIKE ROTTEN EGGS AND DEATH!”

“Is there such a taste?” you queried curiously as you hid your amused laughter and you were shot a glare by Nikolai “You have to drink the other two as well, Nikolai.”

“I rather die.” said Nikolai dramatically as he crossed his arms with the privileged air of a spoiled king. 

“If you drink the medicine, I’ll kiss you when you’re better.” you said casually as Nikolai started coughing in shock at your words. 

“Don’t tease me.” retorted Nikolai looking at you in disbelief and surprise, as his jaw dropped in amazement because he couldn’t handle the thought of you kissing him properly. 

“I’m not! I swear on my honor!”

“You don’t have much of that. You’re from Ketterdam.”

“Alright, fine. I’ll leave, you stubborn ass!” you exclaimed as you put your hands up in the air in surrender, pretending to walk out and leave when Nikolai immediately surrendered to you.

“No, no! I’ll be good! Please don’t leave me!” exclaimed Nikolai immediately not wanting you to leave him alone as he quickly drank the medicine you had given him. 

You were surprised at his earnestness and sincerity in wanting you to stay as he finished drinking the medicine with a disgusted expression and groaned “The things I do for you, my dearest Y/N.”

Nikolai felt drowsy as the medicine sank in and his eyes fluttered with exhaustion and he sank into the cozy pillows as he suddenly felt the exhaustion catch up with him. He felt sticky, dirty and sweaty, the fever making him feel absolutely unclean. He wanted a bath but it was just so hard to move. As if you had read his mind, Nikolai can hear you ordering for a warm bath for him. Nikolai wants to call out your name, reassure that he doesn’t need you to do everything for him but the fatigue overwhelms him as he tries to stay awake. 

And besides, Nikolai feels that it would be nice... just for once to have someone take care of him. Even though that thought deeply offends him because he hates feeling so weak, so dependent on someone. 

“Nikolai.” he hears his name called out gently and sweetly by you as he jolts awake from the place of sleep he had almost fallen to. 

He sees you gently looking at him in concern “Nikolai, the bath is ready.”

Nikolai stands up on his own. He is sick but he isn’t weak. He can do this on his own without help as he takes a few steps, his vision slightly blurring and he realizes that it’s taking more energy than usual to walk. His legs tremble but he is determined that he won’t fall. He is grateful that you are not fussing and coddling over him. He doesn’t need help.

He almost makes it to the bath when his trembling knees and buckle and give away. You catch him before he falls down and Nikolai hates the feeling of being so helpless and wants to just push you away and reassure you that he can do this on his own. 

“I can do this -” began Nikolai in wavering determination as he looked at you in exhaustion but you interrupt softly.

“I know you can.”

But you don’t let go of Nikolai as you guide him to the bath gently and steadily, your hands holding him gently enough to reassure him that you were there for him but also showing him that he could break away from you any moment he liked. Nikolai sees the golden gilded bathtub with steaming warm water and feels you let go of him as you help him sit down on a stool and then turns around. Nikolai thinks you will leave and as much as he wants it, he feels weak. 

But you stay, your back turned toward him as you remain silent while Nikolai takes off his sweat soaked clothes. He wants to ask why you are staying with him but a part of him is just too exhausted and grateful that you are present with him. Nikolai looks over at you in curiosity mingled with teasing amusement and quiet thoughtfulness as he wonders what your reaction would be to his naked body. Women around him swooned and never hid their desires when he was fully clothed. He wanted to know what the one he desired was feeling at this very moment. Did you desire him too? But you didn’t seem moved at all by the fact that Nikolai, the King of Ravka was undressing behind you. Nikolai was not shy about his body and for some strange reason, he felt safe with you and trusted you not to be lewd in this situation. 

Nikolai dips himself into the bathtub, the warm water kissing his aching muscles and calming his mind. He reaches for the sponge only to drop it along with a few bath salts. He groans wanting to stand up and reach for the sponge but he just couldn’t bring himself to move. 

You hear the clattering and turn around to see Nikolai weakly looking at the fallen sponge and the bath salts. Your eyes meet his vulnerable hazel eyes and you suddenly feel heat creep up your neck at this unusual situation. You knew Nikolai could handle himself but he just looked so small and vulnerable, weak and exhausted by the sickness. You avert your eyes from his well chiseled and handsome body as you dispose of his filthy clothes and pick up the bath salts arranging them in order and pick up the sponge under Nikolai’s curious gaze. 

Nikolai feels his heart beating loudly as he feels small and vulnerable, naked with the woman who he is head over heels in love with as he sees you avert your eyes respectfully. He expects something, a reaction but you just busy yourself with arranging bath salts. 

Well, this was the first in all his encounters in his wild youth. He had certainly never had a woman avert her eyes away from his body in such a compromising situation and you surprised him with your innocent reaction. 

Nikolai sees you look at his face, your eyes never shifting downwards and feels something odd and quiet bloom in his chest as he slips down into the tub relishing the warmth of the water and comes up. He looks away from you expecting you to hand the sponge and leave with some sarcastic remark or flirtatious remark but you stop by the bath instead. Nikolai can feel your gentle presence waiting for him and lifts his eyes to meet your quiet eyes that holds the sponge that is easily within his reach. 

But your eyes speak what silently echoes among both of you as you seek permission from Nikolai. 

“Can I take care of you?”

Nikolai wants to take the sponge and do this himself to prove that he isn’t helpless. But there’s something gentle and tender in your eyes that stops him. And Nikolai is really exhausted. He wasn’t just exhausted by the sickness, he was exhausted with running Ravka, dealing with ignorant ministers who were blind to the needs of people, exhausted of compromising and smiling, exhausted of being different versions of himself that the people needed and wanted him to be. It would be nice to have someone take care of him for once in his life. 

Especially if that someone was you. 

Nikolai meets your eyes and gives the tiniest of nods daring you to have the bravery to stay and you nod at him as you sit next to the bathtub. 

You slow your pace of breathing and steady yourself as you dip the sponge in water before lathering some soap in it and waits for Nikolai to initiate contact. Nikolai raises his arm out of the water and you take it gently and tentatively, bringing it closer to you as you slowly and gently begin to wipe the sponge under the space between his fingers, the top of his knuckles, the skin of his hand and palm. You notice that Nikolai isn’t moving or wincing at your contact and you continue to do so gently. 

Meanwhile Nikolai was having a heart attack. He was certain he was having a heart attack because his heart had never raced this fast before. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, his feelings of shock, surprise, amazement and wonder were clouding his screaming mind as he stared at your thoughtful concentrated face in breathless awe wondering for a moment whether he was having a fever dream. He couldn’t believe that the woman who he was in love with was gently and tenderly taking care of him in his most vulnerable moments as you cleaned him in the bath. Nikolai stared at you work skillfully and gently as you wiped away dirt and sweat with the soapy water as you began to clean the other side of his hand. Nikolai’s senses are assaulted with the gentle fragrance of lavender as you rinse and lather more soap. The scent is gentle and sweet, and calms his mind. He breathes it in greedily and wonders whether you did this with anyone of your past lovers. 

Suddenly he felt small and insignificant and didn’t want to think of you doing this with anyone else as he looked at you gently holding his wrist, your fingers resting on his pulse as the words burst out of his mouth “Do you do this for all of the boys you take care of?”

“No. I’ve never taken care of anyone like this before.” you replied softly and tenderly as you rinsed his arm. 

Nikolai’s jaw drops in shock and amazement because the realization that this was the first time you had done this for anyone hits him like a load of bricks. Suddenly all of this carries more weight of meaning and sweetness as he realizes that it has been a long time since anyone had cared enough to take care of him. 

You finish his left arm and move to begin on his right arm. You begin the same ritual over again and Nikolai realizes how soft and delicate your fingers were on his skin. Nikolai observes you lather and rinse his palm gently and feels breathless. He doesn’t understand why you are doing this. You were thoughtful and kind but also sarcastic and guarded so Nikolai was having a hard time comprehending why you were being so gentle and loving with him. 

Perhaps it was pity. You were full of pity for a boy king who was sick and couldn’t barely soap himself and take care of himself. He felt hurt and gutted at the thought of you offering to take care of him out of pity and sympathy. It felt cruel and painful. 

Nikolai looked at you, your lashes fanning your eyes that were full of concentration and gentleness as something darkly insecure lashed out within him as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “Why are you doing this?”

You didn’t stop the gentle strokes of the sponge but your gentle eyes met his hazel ones as he was staggered by how wonderfully kind they were as you replied lowly “Because I want to do this for you. I want to take care of you and let you have peace.”

Nikolai felt a lump form in his throat as he blinked back his tears that had sprung into his eyes all of a sudden. It had been so long since anyone had truly wanted to take care of him and had made an effort to take care of him. The expression of sincerity and honesty etched onto your face surprised him as he stayed quiet for a few moments as he tried to think of the last time someone had told him that they wanted to make him feel good. 

“I can do this by myself. You don’t have to - I’m not weak.” said Nikolai defensively, still disbelieving of the fact that you cared about him “You don’t need to take care of me. Everyone knows its a bother to do that.”

“It’s not rotten work taking care of you. I know you are strong and carry everyone but I can see it in your eyes. You take care of a thankless nation but who will ever look after and take care of you, Nikolai? I don’t know why but I like being the one to see you smile and take care of you.” you confessed softly and sincerely as you gazed at Nikolai intensely with gentleness etched on your face as you finished washing his arm and lowered it to the rim of the tub so he could hold onto it. “It’s okay to let someone take care of you.”

Nikolai was trying to play it cool but he was turning all shades of pink as his heart beat in happiness and disbelief as he looked at you quietly and whispered after a long moment “Y/N... I don’t want to be a burden to you. I don’t want people to worry about me. I - I need to do everything by myself so that I won’t be a nuisance.”

Your gentle touch made him shiver in delight and comfort as you looked at him, your gaze never drifting away from his eyes as he felt vulnerable and exposed as you tilted your head with curiosity “Why do you think you are a burden?”

“Aren’t I? Look at me, I can’t even do this one simple task by myself.” snapped Nikolai in frustration as he lowered his head in shame not wanting you to see the tears in his eyes “I feel so weak, I have to rely on you. I don’t want to depend on anyone because I - who am I if I can’t do anything by myself?”

“Human.” you answered sincerely and softly 

Nikolai let a huff of sardonic laughter as he shook his head “I am the King who is meant to unite Ravka and protect them. There is no room to be weak and human.”

“Your desire to help others is noble. But I doubt you will find much success unless you allow others to help you.” you said honestly and sincerely as you looked at Nikolai earnestly with quiet understanding and soft concern that made him breathless as he felt the warm water lap at him skin, your gentle fingers lightly touch his skin.

Nikolai dragged his gaze up at you and it struck him that this felt intimate, domestic and blissful. Nikolai feels open, exposed and vulnerable in a manner that he has never felt before with anyone and yet in this vulnerability, he feels a forged deep trust, intimate understanding and soft tenderness between the both of you that felt new and beautiful, inviting him to sink in and drown in it. This moment with you where you gently took care of him at his weakest felt like the beginning of building a home for the both of them out of the ruins of their broken hearts. 

“I understand that you are the King of Ravka and that comes with a great burden. But you are also a boy... Nikolai who likes to steal macaroons from the kitchen, who has the craziest, most wonderful ideas for inventions and will break the very ground you stand on to make people happy. As much as you hate it, you need to understand that your life... you require support, encouragement and love. People who care about your well being. People who will be there to stitch up your wounds and take care of you when you fall.” you stated calmly and sincerely, your eyes sparkling with honesty and wisdom beyond your years that stunned Nikolai who was speechless with surprise at the wise truth of your words as he contemplated on them quietly. 

Nikolai was silent as he looked at you unashamed as he drifted his gaze away from you, feeling warmth and vulnerability bloom in his chest as he realized that you were offering support and encouragement for him. Nikolai realized that you were not scared to be there for him, to look after him, stitch up his wounds and take care of him when he fell. The thought of you doing that made his chest swell in happiness and disbelief, wonder and warmth as his lips twitched into a small smile. 

Nikolai’s head and heart is floating with bliss at you taking care of him so tenderly. Nikolai takes this as an opportunity to really look at you. You are completely quiet in a companionable and comforting manner, the strokes of the sponge never lingering too long on one spot as you focus on the task at hand, never meeting Nikolai’s gaze.  You wear an expression of complete concentration and calmness that Nikolai does not feel. Nikolai had seen you laughing, smiling, crying and angry but he had never seen you this... calm. Your face is relaxed and soft, your eyes brimming with staggering tenderness and gentleness. Your hair falls messily over your shoulder, your eyelashes fanning over your eyes as your hands are lathered in water and soapy bubbles. 

Nikolai had seen you relaxed but never in such an intimately quiet way and never this up close and for this long. He knows you can feel his gaze burning you and fears that you will make a teasing remark that will make him blush from his cheeks to the tip of his toes but you are absolutely respectful, letting him contemplate on his thoughts silently. Your presence is genuinely soothing and comforting as he breathes in easily and stares at you unashamedly knowing that you won’t meet his gaze. 

Saints, in the candlelight, so close to you, Nikolai couldn’t breathe because you were so attractive. Attractive wasn’t the right word for you. You were indescribably divinely beautiful. Nikolai wasn’t a fool, in the short time you had been here, many men and women had found you attractive and flirted with you. Though Nikolai had been boiling with jealousy each time he saw someone flirt with you, he understood why they would be drawn to your easy smile, expressive eyes, the shape of your lips that he wanted to kiss. You had shown no interest in anyone and now heat rose in Nikolai’s neck at the realization that the girl who had shown no interest or response for flirtations was the one who was quietly and comfortingly taking care of him. 

Nikolai feels you move to clean his bicep and tip of his shoulder. He feels the sponge gently move toward the spot where he first got shot as he realizes that there were scars littered over him that weren’t exactly flattering on him. Nikolai feels his muscles tensing as he breathes uneasily remembering the sound of gunshots and shrieking screams, the blood and mud of the battlefield where he had lost so many of his comrades including Dominik. 

Somethings he couldn’t just speak about. 

You withdraw immediately when you feel Nikolai tense as you notice his expression of anxiety and Nikolai remains silent for a long moment. You don’t touch him unless he gives you permission once again and you can see something is bothering him. 

“Nik?” you whispered softly, in worry and anxiety as you looked at him. 

Nikolai looked at you who wasn’t his to lose as he saw concern glinting in your eyes as he finally murmured “My first bullet wound.” 

He traced the small scars on his bicep that the war had left on him as he averted his eyes away from you “Not very pretty, huh?”

“I like them. In fact, they might be the thing I like most about you.” you admitted softly and tenderly as you looked at him in quiet understanding. 

Nikolai raised his eyes to meet yours as he wore an expression of curiosity and inquisitiveness and you stated firmly and gently “Those scars, wounds show me that you are very loyal, kind and deeply brave... not at all cowardly. I like them because they are proof that you stood up for what’s right, fought the cruelty of the world and survived to tell the tale.”

Saints, Nikolai wanted to marry you. Nikolai had never felt this enormity of feeling, never felt such overwhelming tidal waves of emotions that engulfed him now as he felt breathless and speechless your sincerity and kindness. He searched for laughter or teasing in your expression but there was nothing except genuine honesty and truth as you looked at him with something that hadn’t been there in your eyes. Nikolai can’t help but warm up to the thought that now you were becoming a fixed and steady presence in his stormy life.

You were looking at him with utter softness and tenderness that you had never displayed with him before “Does it hurt?”

“Sometimes.” whispered Nikolai as he breathed in deeply and placed his faith and trust in you as he gave you permission “Be gentle.”

Nikolai feels overwhelming intimacy as you start wiping carefully over his shoulders, gently over his wound and scars, the collarbones and base of his neck, and the muscles of his spine. Your brushes are quick and efficient yet gentle and tender as you cleaned him. Your sponge brushes over his wound softly and tenderly with reverence and he swore his heart stopped beating. Nikolai couldn’t breathe as he felt you clean the spot where his wound was softly and gently. Nikolai closes his eyes and settles into drifting into his thoughts of a universe where this was a reality. Nikolai knows you don’t like him romantically. But he felt himself drift into dreams of where you and him were more than friends, where this domestic bliss was present every day and all he had was you. 

He wakes up to his name murmured and looks up to see you standing extending the sponge with soap as you say quietly “I’ll turn away.”

He takes the sponge with soap numbly wondering what you meant and as you turned away, his brain caught up to what you meant. Nikolai sees you completely silent as you face the wall and he finishes cleaning his face, his chest, and between his legs. 

After Nikolai is done cleaning himself, he calls your name huskily “Y/N...”

You turn around to face him and take the sponge and soap from him. Nikolai leans back on the tub and then closes his eyes as he dips into the warm water. Nikolai feels weightless, as if time does not have an effect in this place as he feels relieved and vulnerable at the same time. Finally, Nikolai sits upright, coming up to the surface but his eyes are still closed. He doesn’t want to open them yet. 

Nikolai hears you shuffle around for a few moments and drop something as you mutter an apology as you said dorkily “Sorry, sorry, dropped it.”

Nikolai doesn’t open his eyes but he can’t help smiling widely at your silliness and comfortable presence. Nikolai imagines you flailing and shuffling around, arranging the soaps and salts in an orderly manner and pink dust of embarrassment clouding your cheeks when you dropped whatever you dropped. Nikolai realizes that this is the happiest and comfortable he has felt in a long time. 

Nikolai feels goosebumps rise in his skin when he feels your fingers in his hair, the scent of apples of his hair soap drifting into his nose. Nikolai feels your fingertips firmly but gently running through his hair, your touch never lingering for too long as you lather the soap on his scalp. Nikolai lets out an involuntary moan of pleasure as your fingers thread through his hair skillfully and pulling at the knots tugging at them until they come lose. 

Nikolai feels himself turning all shades of red as heat creeps up his neck at the realization that he had moaned and melted at your touch of hands in his hair... but to justify it, you had very skillful hands. Nikolai doesn’t know what to say, all he feels is absolutely embarrassed as he tries to find an excuse but you ignore it as you assure him gently there is nothing to be embarrassed about as you ease some of the aching pressure and tense muscles in his face. 

Nikolai wonders what it would feel to have your hands in his hair as he kissed the little scar on your collarbone. Nikolai takes a sharp intake of breath as he realizes he is drifting into his wild fantasies of you but it’s hard not to when your gentle hands are skillfully tugging at his hair and running through them. Nikolai melts into your gentle and sweet touch, enjoying every moment of it. 

You let go of Nikolai for a moment as you fetch another bucket of warm water. Nikolai feels you gently tilting his head back as you scoop a cup of fresh warm water and pours it slowly over his head, rinsing the soap gently and slowly, your fingers threading softly and skillfully through his hair with each cup of water you poured over him. Nikolai feels your soft and gentle touch on his forehead, his hair, his ears, his neck and his face and if you notice him sigh and melt into your touch, leaning his head against your hand, you don’t say anything to him about it. 

Nikolai feels you cradle his head gently as you finally use the towel to dry his hair slowly and gently, getting the excess water out of his hair. Nikolai feels warm and happy, burdens and worries lifted off his shoulders as he feels light - hearted. Nikolai feels you finish drying his hair and return your attention to rubbing sweet and musky hair oil into his hair, smoothing it into his scalp. As you smooth the oil into his hair, Nikolai falls asleep, the water once warm now cool lapping at his skin. 

As sleep tugged Nikolai, Nikolai didn’t feel alone anymore. 

Nikolai heard you murmur his name as he drifted out of his sleep and realized you had finished as he heard you murmur “There you go.”

Nikolai’s heart hammered in his ribcage and threatened to burst out of his body when he felt you place a light kiss on top of his head. It was brief and quick but Nikolai was certain he had felt the gentle pressure of your lips on his damp hair as he froze in surprise and happiness.  

It feels too intimate, too raw, too good to be real. And yet, Nikolai was living this very real moment with you and he felt blessed. 

Nikolai turned to look at you as you handed him a fresh towel and a bathrobe and turned around. He looks at the towel feeling saddened that this intimate, blissful moment had ended. It had been nice to be taken care of for once. It had felt nice to be the one to sit back and enjoy being taken care of. He wanted to cherish this moment forever as he closed his eyes savoring this memory and then opened his eyes. It was time to leave. 

Nikolai lifted himself up, stepping out as he quickly scrubs himself dry and wrapped the bathrobe around himself. Nikolai takes a few steps and finds exhaustion taking over him as he nearly falls onto the floor again but once again, your arms catch him as he clings onto you. 

“I can do this on my own.” said Nikolai lazily and firmly as he looked at you with a commanding glint “I am the King, I order you to let go -”

“To hell with your orders.” you replied firmly as you held him tightly making him laugh in surprise and amusement at your defiance as he leans toward your warmth. Even though he feels vulnerable and small, he likes being held like this by you and feels safe and comfortable with you as he breathes in your inviting perfume that makes him feel that everything is perfect in the world. 

Nikolai sees his bed and immediately feels tired and content as he falls down onto his lovely bed dramatically with gladness. 

You try to hide your smile through an exasperated expression but you can’t help the smile that play on your lips as you reprimand Nikolai sternly “You can’t sleep in a wet towel.”

Nikolai drawls lazily, his eyes closed in satisfaction and sleepiness “I can do whatever I want. I am the King of Ravka.”

You roll your eyes fondly at him but go to retrieve his clothes while Nikolai drifts into a hazy sleep when he feels you tugging him from the bed you announce loudly and cheerfully “Up you get, Nikolai!”

Nikolai loves you. He really does. But he is tired and all he wants to do is sleep and you’re not letting him do that as he replied annoyed “What for?”

“To get dressed. You will catch a worse cold if you sleep in a wet towel.” you replied in a matter - of - fact voice as you tried to tug him out of bed but the King of Ravka was a stubborn child who clung onto the bedsheets as he complained. 

“No... no... let me sleep.”

“Come on, we don’t have time for this. Out of bed and into warm clothes.” you said in a matter - of - fact voice as you grinned while pulling a sulky, childish, petulant Nikolai who was protesting and Nikolai groaned when he felt you smack him on the floor. 

Nikolai feels the coolness of the carpeted floor and is tempted to lie down there just to spite you because how dare you defy the King of Ravka like this? But a part of him enjoyed it, your defiance and careless attitude intrigued and amused him though at the moment it had him slightly annoyed and irritated. 

You lifted him up from the floor as you both groaned as you exclaimed “Here, get dressed.”

Nikolai’s lips twitched into a playful smile as his eyes twinkled in teasing “That’s so close to the perfect sentence.”

You blushed as you tossed him his night clothes and he grinned at being the reason for the pink dust scattering across your cheeks as you turned around shyly. Nikolai gets dressed, his thoughts slow and unfocused, muffled and distant as he realizes that you had handed him a loose, comfortable blue nightshirt, one of his favorites. Nikolai fiddles with the buttons, his hands shaking weakly and as if you sense it, you turn around, your eyes seeking for permission. Nikolai nods he watched in enchantment at how your fingers work the buttons and undemandingly and gently tucks his collar and smooths the fabric, her fingertips lightly brushing over his skin. 

This is a glimpse into the life Nikolai wanted to share with you. This feeling of being this close, tender and real with you that he wanted to last forever. This moment felt soft and sweet, untouched by the cruelty and sadness of the world where it was just the two of them and nothing else mattered. Nikolai’s eyes glint with tenderness and longing for you as he sees his future mapped out with you, where he comes home to you and feels that tonight has created a stronger bond between them that they couldn’t describe. 

How could he ever fall in love with anyone else?

Your soft eyes meet his tender hazel eyes and you blush as your fingertips drop from his shirt. Nikolai wonders whether you feel this indescribable and sacred bond he feels with you too. Nikolai drops and sinks into the mattress with a happy sigh, the luxurious sheets and pillows fresh and new. Nikolai feels peaceful and calm for the first time in a long time and realizes that he tastes soothing peace of mind whenever he is with you. Nikolai’s eyes flutter as he feels you drape blankets over him making him feel safe and secure. 

Nikolai opens his eyes as he feels you set a tray of hot and warm food before him. As he eats it, he sets his eyes to observe you and for the first time in the evening he sees that your clothes are drenched wet. Rivulets of water run down your arms and the wet fabric clings onto your body that Nikolai is shamelessly appreciating while sinking in and out of consciousness. Nikolai feels at peace as he watches you pick up the used towels and his clothes. Nikolai feels a strange sense of calm wash him as he watches you tidy the mess of his room quietly and calmly, the wet fabric clinging onto your skin, your eyes alit with firm purpose and conviction and your movements precise and careful not to awake and startle Nikolai. After finishing eating, Nikolai inquires about you eating. You smile and reassure Nikolai that you’ll eat after clearing up the mess.. 

Nikolai briefly wonders whether you are going to bath as well as you duck out of the room as he sinks into the drowsy unconsciousness. He breathes in as he drifts in and out of sleep and finally after what seems like a long amount of time, he hears a click of the door and flutters open his eyes to see you quietly come in, your hair damp and your skin fresh and smooth, dressed in a beautiful green nightdress. 

Nikolai watches you arrange blankets and pillows on his sofa as he blinks drowsily, his eyes lidded heavily with sleep as he drawls “What on earth are you doing?”

You are startled and surprised at the sound of Nikolai’s drowsy voice because you thought he was sleeping as you met his curious gaze and stood up “Well... there isn’t really any space on the bed and I’ve heard you are a notorious snorer -”

But you are cut off as Nikolai drags you down to his bed as you land on the sheets in an ungraceful heap squawking inelegantly and Nikolai smiles fondly at you making room for you “You’re sleeping here. With me.”

Nikolai can feel your weight settling down onto the mattress as you pull up the covers over the both of you. Nikolai feels warm, clean, happy and content, taken care of as he sinks into the mattress blissfully. 

Nikolai felt breathless as he glanced over at you lying by his side, your beautiful hair a disheveled mess on his pillow, your eyes gleaming with quiet drowsiness as you met his gaze and he turned a bright shade of pink hoping that you couldn’t hear how loud his heart was beating because this was a dream come true. He had to control himself from shrieking happily when your hand brushed against his softly and tentatively and it took all of his courage as he met your eyes seeking permission and when you smiled softly, his fingers intertwined with yours, the warmth and gentleness of your hand seeping into his reassuring him that everything would be alright. 

“This is nice.” murmured Nikolai in content and dreamy haze as he looked into your eyes with tenderness and sincerity as he felt breathless by how beautiful and wonderful you were. 

You smiled softly and widely at him as you shifted to his side a little squeezing his hand gently as he looked at you with an expression of gratitude, adoration and wonder as he brushed a gentle and fleeting kiss on your knuckles, delighted when your eyes widened in surprise and your cheeks blushed a rosy pink as he confessed “No one has ever taken care of me like this. Thank you.”

“Always.” you murmured as you smiled affectionately and sincerely at Nikolai who didn’t need to say anything, as they held hands in the meaningful silence, you both felt enough. 

As sleep overtook Nikolai, he drawled looking over at you “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

“No one can take me away from you.” you whispered softly and gently as you stroked his hair gently as he leaned into your hand with a happy and comfortable sigh, his eyes closing as he held your hand in his.  

As Nikolai fell into a deep slumber, you watched him breathe in and out peacefully. You stare at his divinely beautiful face etched with peace and content that was a luxury to him when he was the King of Ravka. In this low light of flickering candles, he looks more like a boy who wants to be loved than a King who is to be revered. You listen to his deep breathing as you stare at him with a soft smile playing on your lips, your soul feeling strangely content and happy as you traced soft patterns on the skin of his hand that held yours tightly. Nikolai looks boyish and soft, vulnerable and peaceful in this light and you feel your heart tighten in wonder that you are the one who gets to see him like this. 

Earlier, you knew that Nikolai had been watching you keenly. He might be the King of Ravka but he wasn’t the King of being subtle. You had averted your eyes away from him, not wanting to disrespect him and take advantage of his vulnerability as you focused on the task of helping him. You weren’t lying earlier when you told Nikolai that this was the first time you’ve ever cleaned someone like this. When you were with Kaz, you had simply left him, giving him privacy to clean himself. You were going to do the same with Nikolai but for some reason, you found yourself rooted in the spot and reaching out to take care of Nikolai because you couldn’t let him shoulder everything alone. It didn’t seem right to just leave him alone. Your heart had been beating wildly as you had averted your eyes from his well - built and handsome body that had made heat creep up your neck as you focused on your task of cleaning his soft skin that made you feel slightly breathless. 

You had felt his surprise at the fact that you had volunteered to take care of him. You couldn’t help thinking now... did he have no one to take care of him? Was there no one to care for him?

Had he truly been so alone?

Now you take the opportunity to properly look at Nikolai. His hair is damp and curly, his skin is fresh and clean.. Nikolai was your friend, in a steady and confusing manner. You convince yourself that tonight was purely platonic. You did this to help him, to take care of him because he is your friend and you hate seeing him suffer and alone. And yet, your heart beats and your breath catches as you look at Nikolai and remember how he stared at your reverently in adoration and amazement as you tended to him. 

At that moment, Nikolai sighs in his sleep as he mutters something indecipherable and yet amusing to you as you stare at him fondly and smooth his hair gently. You are aware that this is such an intimate and sacred moment where you are witness to every sigh, every word, every movement, every expression he makes. Tonight had bloomed something different in the way you looked at him, a tenderness, a gentleness and a wonder as you realized that Nikolai was a storm that you were now trying to navigate as you inhaled a sharp breath understanding that he had let his guard down and exposed his vulnerability to you and you had done the same. 

You found yourself torn between throwing yourself out of the window and squealing into your pillow as you blushed. 

You were lying next to Nikolai Lantsov. This was not on your bingo card. In fact, this was not on anyone’s bingo card!

You couldn’t exactly understand why you felt so protective of Nikolai and cherished the time you spent with him. You didn’t understand why the thought of Nikolai’s future wife sleeping next to him, seeing him up close and personal like this, sharing tender and intimate moments with him in secrecy and privacy of their own world made you want to burn down something. You didn’t understand why you wanted to wrap Nikolai in a hug and assure him that he wasn’t a burden, he was a privilege. 

Maybe it was because you were friends. Yes... that’s exactly it. You were just friends. That’s all you were. 

Your eyes flutter shut as Nikolai mumbles in his sleep again, his lips twitching and your lips curve into an adoring smile as you adjust his blanket and stare at him. You do one last thing for him and your eyes flutter as you treasure the intimacy and beauty of this sacred moment that you share with him as you fall asleep by his side. 

Nikolai was back in the battlefield as he fought to survive the Fjerdan bullets, terrified screams and gunshots ringing in his ears as he struggled to march on. Mud and grime covered him as he stood by Dominik, both of them bleeding and bruised as they shot down the Fjerdans, protecting each other and their comrades. It was wild and untethered, cruel and merciless and Nikolai remembered the promise to Dominik when they had started in the army. It was with him that Nikolai served, with him Nikolai promised to fall down. But as Nikolai failed to fall down as he watched Dominik fall down, as he breathed in and out, his blood on Nikolai’s hands that tried to stop Death from taking away his friend as he sobbed and screamed wildly, unhinged begging for anyone to help, begging Dominik not to leave him. 

Tears slipped down his eyes and all he could do was scream in fury and pain in a war that took away his best friend when he heard an urgent, gentle and reassuring voice that called out his name. 

Nikolai! You got to wake up! 

Nikolai screamed and the voice answered back as he felt it wrapping around him and dragging him through the depths of unconsciousness as he woke up alarmed and startled, tears rolling down his cheeks and beads of sweat on his brow to see your concerned and worried face hovering above him, your hands pressing gently onto his cheeks as your eyes glinted with anxiety and worry.   

He blinked once and then blinked twice as he stared wide eyed at your beautiful face etched with complete concern and alarm as he was startled, breathing heavily and panting in worry, flashes of his nightmare still haunting him as he clutched onto the sheets frantically. 

You were right by his side, your eyes full of concern and gentleness as your hands cupped his cheeks and he breathed in and out, his heart beating wildly as he buried his head into your chest as you wrapped him in a warm hug that exuded safety and affection. 

He still couldn’t believe this was real as he held onto you, tears rolling down his cheeks as he breathed in and out heavily, the flashes of Dominik’s breath leaving him haunting him as he felt you place a soft kiss on top of his head as you murmured soft and comforting words “It’s alright. It’s alright, I’ve got you. You’re safe with me, nothing and no one is going to hurt you.”

A sob escaped his body as your name slipped through his lips “Y/N...”

“It wasn’t real. It was just a nightmare. This is real. I am real.” you reassured him sincerely and honestly, your heart beating wildly in fear because you had woken up to a screaming Nikolai thrashing wildly around as sobs escaped him. You had never seen him so wild, so startled and unleashed in pain and suffering as you had woken him up from his nightmare with great effort. “Listen to my heartbeat. This is real.”

Silent tears escaped Nikolai as his breathing and beating heart eventually and gradually calmed down after a long eternity as he listened to the steady beating of your heart, a sweet melody, a soothing lullaby and a saving prayer. He doesn’t know how long both of you stay like this together in the darkness of the night, him with his head on your chest listening to your living, beautiful, wonderful heartbeat as he held onto you tightly afraid of the monsters in the dark, his breathing gradually lulling into normal and tears coming to an end as you held him tightly and warmly in your embrace, murmuring soothing words of comfort and reassurance. 

After what seems like an eternity, Nikolai raises his head to meet your quiet and steady gaze that exudes safety and warmth, blazing fiercely like a fire driving away the darkness. Nikolai suddenly realizes the enormity of what happened in front of you as he understands that he cried and screamed in fright and fear like a child in nightmares. 

He withdraws from you with an apology and shame in his face but you take his hands in his as you wear an expression etched with acceptance and understanding as you said lightly “Nightmares? Do you have them often?”

Nikolai nodded, unable to speak yet as he looked at you and saw the same understanding of the pain in your eyes “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nikolai shook his head dumbly and you knew you had to distract Nikolai from his thoughts of the nightmares as you jumped down from the bed and extended your hand to him with a quietly mischievous look in your eyes “Come on you! Let’s go see the stars.”

Nikolai’s eyes were alit with curiosity as he took your hand and you led him to his window, both of you taking a seat at the window seat where you could see the starry sky from the glassy pane. It was a beautiful night with a clear sky dotted with glittering stars patterned into beautiful and mysterious constellations. It was the kind of breathtaking night that made you glad to be alive. 

Nikolai was quiet for a long time and you realized that he wasn’t going to talk to you at all. It wouldn’t bother you generally and you would leave anyone alone but for some reason, you wanted Nikolai to at least have a small conversation with you instead of bottling all of his emotions up and bearing it on his own.

As you sat in silence with the boy who was haunted by the nightmares, you remembered one of your favorite stories from your favorite author, Ko Moon Young, a beautiful, intelligent and infamous literary children’s author in Shu Han who had the penchant for darkly crafting beautiful stories. You had read this story many times, in the library and in the Slat with your tattered copy soothing and comforting you after your horrible and terrifying nightmares and you had even once read out the story to Kaz who had suffered from terrible nightmares. 

You could remember every word of the story by heart. That’s how much you loved it. 

“The boy woke up from another terrible nightmare.  Bad memories from the past he wanted to erase from his head were replayed in his dreams every night and haunted him nonstop.” you began softly and soothingly as you looked at Nikolai who had been gazing at the stars but as you began to speak, his attention was on you with curiosity sparkling in his hazel eyes as the words that you loved and knew by heart slipped from your mouth “The boy was terrified of falling asleep so one day he went to find a witch and begged “Please get rid of all my bad memories so that I won’t ever have a bad nightmare again. Then I will do everything you ask.””

You saw Nikolai shift up straight as his hazel eyes stirred in curiosity and interest as he looked at you in anticipation as your lips curved into a small smile, the moonlight spilling around both of you as you continued in an entrancing voice “Years went by and the boy became an adult. He no longer had nightmares. But for some strange reason, he wasn’t happy at all.” 

“One night, a blood moon filled the sky, and the witch showed up again to take what he had promised in return for granting his wish. And he shouted at her with so much resentment “All my bad memories are gone. But why can’t I become happy?”” you continued in a soft and enchanting voice that held Nikolai’s rapt and intense attention as he wore an expression of intrigue, interest and unbridled curiosity and you paused for a moment as Nikolai leaned forward in anticipation wanting to know the answer, eager to know how the story ended. 

“Then the witch took his soul as promised and told him this “Hurtful, painful memories, memories of deep regrets, memories of hurting others and being hurt, memories of being abandoned... only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, passionate and emotionally flexible. And only those can attain happiness.” you answered in a intriguing voice as you looked at Nikolai whose eyes were eager, hungry and curious for the answer and as he listened to the story, his eyes became misty, full of thoughtfulness and surprise as he stared at you in wide eyed in wonder. 

“So don’t forget any of it. Remember it and overcome it. If you don’t overcome it, you will always be the kid whose soul never grows old.” you finished quietly and calmly with affection and love for the story as your eyes never left Nikolai who was blinking back tears as his breath caught in his throat and his lips twitched into a small smile for the first time since he woke up. 

Nikolai cocked his head in curiosity “That’s a sad yet surprisingly inspiring and heartwarming bedtime story. Who told you that?”

“Ko Moon Young. She’s my favorite author.” you admitted with a small smile as you looked at Nikolai with affection and kindness “The story is called ‘The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares’. I read it all the time when I have nightmares.”

“I like it.” confessed Nikolai honestly as he flashed a genuine smile at you making up his mind to research this author and read more of her books. “Thank you. Surprisingly, I needed to hear that story.”

You nodded with a small smile as you looked out of the glassy pane at the universe that extended out there when Nikolai’s voice disturbed your reverie “He would have been best friends with you.”

You cocked your head as you looked inquisitively and curiously at Nikolai wondering what he was talking about when he smiled warily and sincerely at you “Dominik. My best friend since childhood. We did everything together, thick as thieves. He sacrificed himself taking the bullet meant for me in the war because he believed I was the King that Ravka deserved.”

You were tongue tied and speechless as you remembered Nikolai screaming the very same name in his nightmare while you tried to wake him up. You realized that Nikolai had suffered deep loss and felt tragedy in his life. You knew Nikolai had bravely fought and bled in the war for Ravka but you didn’t know and understand the impact it had on him, the cruelty of it all, the comrades and best friend it had snatched away from Nikolai in the trenches and the tears shed and tragedy of it all. You saw that Dominik was someone who meant a great deal to Nikolai, someone who had faith in Nikolai and cared for Nikolai. You understood from taking one look at Nikolai that Dominik was someone extraordinary and important to Nikolai, someone who Nikolai didn’t want to lose and cared for deeply. You felt your heart break for Nikolai because you understood the pain and grief of losing a brother, someone you loved deeply, someone you wanted to stand by with you forever. The world has been cruel to the both of you by snatching away the two people you loved the most but you felt Nikolai’s grief and loss because you understood the feeling of having someone important to you sacrifice their life for yours. 

Nikolai looked at you with unshed tears in his hazel eyes, looking so beautiful and vulnerable in the moonlight “It’s him I have nightmares of often. I can’t save him even in my dreams. I wish it was me that had taken the bullet instead.”

You want to stop him from saying that awful thing because you can’t bear the thought of him dead but Nikolai is lost in his self - loathing and doubt “Dominik was a good man. The best man I ever knew. And he sacrificed himself for me. I wish he hadn’t. I wish all of them hadn’t died for me.”

“I understand.” you said softly and sincerely, your fragile heart full of sincere understanding and acceptance for him as you looked at the boy who had touched your broken soul in an unexpected manner “I wish I didn’t... but I do.”

Nikolai felt his heart bloom full of love and warmth for you as he felt nothing but gratitude for your comforting and uncommonly kind presence that soothed him as he smiled lovingly at you as both of you stared at the night sky and Nikolai realized that he had shown you where everyone had given him scars and you had accepted and understood him. 

Nikolai sighed as he wiped away his tears in remembrance and reminiscence of his hopeful and brave friend “He was brave until the very end.”

You wore an expression of thoughtfulness “They’re always brave.”

“I wish he wasn’t. I wish for once... he had taken the coward’s way out and let me take the bullet.”

“Do you know why we both survived, Nikolai? You survived because of Dominik and I survived because of my brother. It was because of them. Because in spite of their fear, they refused to step aside. Because their love for us was stronger than anything else in this world. Because they loved us more than their own lives and believed in us.” you said passionately and thoughtfully with sincerity after a long moment of silence as you looked at Nikolai who was stunned and surprised, full of disbelief and shock. 

“They broke our hearts but they loved us so much. And as much as it hurts, we need to be brave and kind and live our lives in a way that they would be proud of us. Otherwise, they died for nothing. Otherwise, we insult their memory. If we regret their actions and waste our lives, their sacrifice will be forever meaningless.” you said softly and quietly, your voice barely a whisper but it echoed loudly around Nikolai who was speechless and tongue tied as he processed the truth that you spoke with sincerity and honesty as you blinked back tears of grief and pain. “So we grieve, mourn but must live on and honor them.”

Nikolai was speechless as he processed your honest and wise words as he looked at you wide eyed in wonder and shock, wondering whether all along there had been an invisible string tying you to him, tethering both of your fates together as the words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself “I wish I had met you earlier.”

Your eyes widened in pleasant surprise as you let out an involuntary chuckle “What? Why? How would that even happen?”

Nikolai looked at you with a warm and wistful gleam in his hazel eyes “I don’t know. I imagine that instead of staying in Ketterdam, your family made it to Ravka. Your brother and you grew up together. Both of you would enlist for the Ravkan army. Maybe you’d be a medik... or perhaps a soldier in the trenches. You’d be a soldier with different medals of honor, a soldier who everyone has heard of for your bravery. And then one day Dominik and I meet you and your brother. And then the rest is history.”

You found yourself grinning at the story that was nice to ponder over as you looked at him in amusement “That’s a nice story. But our lives are so different... I only wished I could have met Dominik. He sounds like a great, kind - hearted person.”

“Dominik was one of the best people I knew. And I wish you could have met him too. I know that both of you would get along famously. Both of you are thoughtful, brave, kind - hearted.” said Nikolai sincerely and softly as he gazed in wonder and enchantment at how ethereal and divine you looked in the moonlight and bit his lip “I wish I could have met your brother. He sounds very different from mine.”

You smiled softly, grief and love bubbling in your heart as you looked at Nikolai with a reminiscent and wistful look “Not only was he enormously clever, he was also uncommonly kind and had a certain talent for mischief and laughter. I think you would have given my brother a run for his money... and that is saying something.”

Nikolai felt warm as an involuntary smile curved on his lips at those sacred words that meant the world to him as his eyes twinkled “I’m glad. It’s just... sometimes it’s lonely. I miss Dominik. The nightmares just remind me... that I should haven’t worried so much about the war. I should have asked him questions, I should have talked to him more and spent more time with him because every scrap of him would be taken from me. Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I still think he was still around.”

“I feel the same. My brother loved the amber skies and long walks but I used to be annoyed when he tickled me and played his pranks on me. I should have asked him how to be because all he left to me was his unfulfilled dreams.” you said honestly and sincerely, confessing the truths you kept hidden in your heart as you looked at Nikolai vulnerably and softly, remembering your brother who was easy to descend into laughter and full of kindness and light. “But now, after all this time, I know though he is dead, he didn’t stay dead. He’s alive in my head. I feel him all around, in the sad melody of a guitar, in the beauty of the sun set, in the stars, in scheming pranks with the Crows, a bright smile and in everything really. It’s hard to explain but it feels as if he never left.”

Nikolai was silent for a long moment because he understood the depth and magnitude of your emotions and was stunned that he had found another soul who felt the same as he did and who he could confide in easily and didn’t feel alone with. They stayed like that for a long moment in silence filled with meaningful and easy companionship and understanding with no need to fill it with meaningless chatter and small talk, glad to have each other to trust and understand their deepest fears and vulnerabilities. 

Nikolai looked at you who were hugging your knees tightly as you stared in fascination and wonder at the stars as his lips curved into an adoring smile as he finally broke the silence “Do you have nightmares?”

Your expression was enough of an answer and Nikolai was curious “How do you cope?”

“I used to drink until I forgot. But now I read and on nights where I have really bad ones, I lose myself in memories. Well... a memory. It’s not a happy memory, exactly. Well, it is happy... but it’s strange and complicated.” you answered sincerely after a long moment of silence, your expression one of reminiscence and wistfulness 

Nikolai was filled with fascination and curiosity as he leaned forward, his hazel eyes gleaming in unbridled affection and softness “What is it?”

“I think of him. I remember his bright face. He is holding me in his arms and talking to me. Just talking, hugging and laughing back at home before we came to Ketterdam.” you said softly and wistfully as you remembered one of the long - lost memories that you would lose yourself in of your brother who was always smiling brightly, his eyes full of mischief and kindness as he showered you with affection and warmth making you feel so loved and happy. 

Nikolai’s eyes widened slightly in soft understanding and empathy as he looked at your expression of hidden grief and painful reminiscence that longed to go back to a time where everything was sweet and innocent as you smiled at him bravely, and his heart tugged with sadness and understanding for you as he reached out for you and squeezed your hand gently wanting you to know that he was there for you. 

You squeezed his hand in return gratefully as you met his hazel eyes burning with affection and adoration as you smiled softly and sincerely at him surprised and glad that he of all people understood you better than anyone else. 

You looked at him with wonder and affection, fondness and warmth blooming in your heart for him as you whispered “You’re a true friend, Nikolai. I’m so glad I met you.”

Nikolai felt a twinge of hurt in his heart at only being thought of as a friend but knew deep down that you needed time to heal and move on from the demons that haunted your head as he felt happy that you thought of him as someone true you could trust, his heart fluttering in happiness at your words hoping one day he would be more than a friend to you “I’ll always be by your side, Y/N. No one can take me away from you.”

You smiled as you blushed, red dust scattering on your cheeks at how intensely and adoringly Nikolai was gazing upon you as he once again spoke, his voice full of concern “Y/N... I don’t want to lose you. So I want you to promise me that no matter what, if we’re in a dangerous situation and I’m - well, I’m - you won’t put yourself in danger for me. Promise me that you will think of yourself first and run away without caring about my fate. Don’t be brave.”

Your eyes had widened in shock because you had not expected such a confession out of Nikolai but the thought of leaving him in danger where he could be hurt and tortured, bleeding and bruised or worse snatched by cold cruel hands of death made you feel as you were pummeling down an abyss of disbelieving darkness as you shook your head immediately and firmly “No. I don’t think I can promise you that because I can never leave you in danger to fend for yourself, Nikolai.”

Nikolai felt too much all of a sudden, too hot as he felt your warm eyes full of beautiful fondness, complete concern and overwhelming protectiveness take his breath away as he felt time cease and stop surprised at how much you cared for him as he breathed “Look, I want you safe, alive and unharmed and I’m trying to do that.”

“Why?” you retorted back fiercely and quickly as you glared at him, your hand holding onto his tightly and Nikolai was taken aback in shock at your quick response as he found words failing him as you continued passionately and sincerely “Nobody is ever safe, not ever.”

Nikolai blew an exasperated breath as he realized you were stubborn, unwavering, fierce and loyal, qualities he loved about you but they were the same ones that got Dominik killed in the first place and he would not lose the love of his life “Look, I’m trying to take care of you and protect you because I don’t want to lose you.”

“But I never asked you for that.” you replied softly, your eyes softening with understanding and amazement at the depth of how much Nikolai cared for you and you felt like you didn’t deserve to be cared about so much. 

Nikolai’s eyes softened in exasperation and sincerity as he replied softly and earnestly “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

You felt such an enormous amount of intense emotions that you couldn’t begin to describe that it terrified and exhilarated you as you stared into Nikolai’s frightened and sincere eyes as you placed your hand on his cheek gently and confessed “I can’t promise you what you want me to. But I can only promise you that I will be by your side until the end and we will fight our way out of anything the world throws at together.”

Nikolai was breathless at the overwhelming devotion and sincerity burning in your eyes as he closed his eyes cherishing this moment and opened them as he looked at you with earnestness and adoration “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, you silly boy. I’m not going anywhere.” you replied with a bright smile as your eyes twinkled in mischief and amusement as you placed a brief and light kiss on his cheek, unaware that Nikolai had gone into cardiac arrest at your lightest touch. 

Nikolai grinned loopily as he looked at you feeling incredibly happy and over the moon. As you talked, laughed and played chess, finally Nikolai and you both grew drowsy and sleepy enough to go back to bed. As you both sank into bed, your hands found each other as they intertwined with each other, warmth and reassurance seeping through. Nikolai glanced at you who was worn out and exhausted, resting next to him, your eyes fluttered shut as you breathed in and out peacefully lost in a sea of dreams and he smiled in content and happiness. This was blissful and beautiful Paradise that Nikolai wanted to last forever. 

 As Nikolai felt his drowsiness take over him, he realized something was different about him. He puzzled his head over what it could be and he sat up feeling warmth in his feet that were cold earlier when he had gone to bed. Nikolai pulled up the blanket to see blue socks with silly faces on his feet that he definitely had not put on before sleeping. Nikolai looked at the socks that warmed his cold feet and realized as he looked over at your peaceful sleeping visage that it was you that had cared enough to warm up his cold feet by putting thick warm socks on. Nikolai suddenly felt an odd sensation of warmth and surprise bloom in his chest as he blushed in shy happiness at the thought of you caring so much that you would do something so thoughtful and kind to take care of him and make him feel more comfortable and at ease. 

Saints, Nikolai wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. He knew in his heart you were the only one for him.

As Nikolai brushed a stray hair from your forehead as he stared at your peaceful, sleeping face, he sent a quiet prayer of gratitude to the Saints thanking them for creating such a beautiful, kind hearted, brave creature with the courage of stars and a heart of love and sending you into his life that had been changed forever. 

Nikolai pulled up the blanket to ensure you were warm and cozy and brushed a fleeting kiss on your forehead bidding you goodnight as he sank into the pillows, his eyes never leaving you because he was certain with all his heart you were the one he wanted to spend all his starry nights with and wake up to watch the dawn of a new day. 

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[jahayla-parker]

Karma : Kaz Brekker x Reader

(Some/mention of former Reader x Darkling)

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Description: Y/n suffered at the hands of the Darkling years before but her karma was now on her side. Whereas, the Darkling couldn’t say the same about his karma; especially when Kaz learns of his presence upon him nearing Kaz’s girlfriend, y/n once again. Hurt-comfort, Protective!Kaz, Exes-turned-enemies, angst, fluff, etc. Somewhat set to tone of (&/or connected to) Karma by Taylor Swift, but it goes beyond that.

Warnings: Typical SoC, S&B/SAB, and Grishaverse triggers and warnings, mentions and descriptions of violence, abuse and physical harm, stalking/tracking/hunting down people, the Darkling and his shadow army and other character related topics, lying, threats, fear and flashbacks (and other trauma related things), betrayal, themes related to topics and notions mentioned in Karma by Taylor Swift, weapons, protectiveness, emotions, a few curse words, and related warnings.

Release Schedule is TBD

I’m in the rewriting, editing, and revision stage currently, so I’ll update the schedule soon)

I’m planning to release a minimum of the following number of parts, but there might end up being more once my rewriting, editing, and revision stage is done!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9 TBD

Kaz Taglist: @dil3mma @directioner5life @ell0ra-br3kk3r @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @winstonthecow22 @alex-kazbrekkersimp @wolfmoonmusic @phoenix666stuff @kentucky-criedfricken @twlegit @valeridarkness @shara-ne @crazyhearttragedy @opheliaofficial07 @historynerd77 @missdreamofendless @nikfigueiredo @el-de-phi @adalia-jaycee @bookloverfilmoholic @beekeepingageissome

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Six Of Crows/Shadow & Bone Recommendations

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Smut - *

Kaz Brekker Masterlist

The Darkling Masterlist

Matthias Helvar Masterlist

Jesper Fahey Masterlist

Tolya Yul-Bataar Masterlist

Nikolai Lantsov Masterlist

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

"That's my wife."

pairing: kaz brekker x wife!reader

genre: fluff

el's thoughts: requested by @jahayla-parker i realized i had this written ages ago and never posted it so here you go hahaha

~*~

“Just a cup of water please.” Y/N sat at the bar in the Crow Club, observing all the people playing at the tables.

Jesper sitting with Wylan by his side, Nina and Matthias sat farther down at the bar talking with Inej. Her eyes scanned over the laughing faces until they met a familiar pair of dark brown eyes. She smirked into her glass as she saw Rotty come up to Kaz with a small piece of paper.

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing all by yourself?”

She wrinkled her nose at the strong scent of alcohol as she turned around to face a young man around her age. She tried her best to smile politely, “I’m just waiting for some friends.”

She wasn’t lying. Kaz told her to wait until one of the other crows were ready to walk back to the Slat.

“Well then, mind if I keep you company?”

Y/N racked her mind trying to think of some way to turn him down without making a scene. Footsteps and the clicking of a cane were heard behind her.

“I mind.” Kaz’s raspy voice spoke over her shoulder.

The young man stood up taller, “So what? You’re saying this girl is your girlfriend?”

By now, Jesper, Wylan, Nina, Matthias and Inej had slowly made their way over, standing behind Y/N. Kaz stepped forward and placed both hands on his cane, leaning ever-so-slightly towards the man.

“No. What I’m saying is that this girl is my wife.”

A small gasp was heard from both Nina and Inej. Y/N turned and looked at them shyly, “Surprise…?”

She turned back around to look at Kaz and the young man, only to see him making a beeline to the door. She looked up at Kaz as he stood right beside her, “Well, cat’s out of the bag now.”

He shrugged, “It’s about time they knew anyway.”

Jesper made silent hand gestures between the couple, “So you two have been married this whole time?!”

Y/N chuckled, “Not the whole time… Just about a year.”

He stood there, eyes flickering between the two as the rest of the crows tried to wrap their minds around the news.

“When were you gonna tell us?!”