#slightly unsettling queer romantic stories

[stil-lindigo]

patchwork canary.

a comic about two girls, fate, and a powerful man who felt entitled to something that wasn’t his to own.

support me on patreon (if you’d like to see more comics like this one)

[absolutebl]

Best Angsty BLs with Family Drama & Bad Home Lives, or Past Trauma

That still end happily. Requested by the incomparable @winterswhumpblr (Warning these all have tiggers in them mostly suicide, rape, and/or child abuse.)

Until We Meet Again

Thai 2019 YouTube

UWMA is, without question, a work of narrative genius with a powerful and cohesive romantic backbone driven by family drauma and betrayal and stellar performances. It is (to date) the only Thai BL that I’ve rated a 10/10 predominantly on the basis of story structure. That said it is also very well cast (and it’s a BIG cast), with solid production values, and enduring pair branding. Discussion here.

Spin off, Between Us, also satisfies this criteria.

Blueming

Korea 2022 iQIYI

Hwang Da Seul directing this angsty BL that's a tiny bit dark and a tiny bit bittersweet, almost too honest to a university experience and first love. But if you want your mind ever-so-slightly messed with and your intimacy hellishly sweet, this BL will do it for you in a coldly distant manner, while bitch slapping you with self worth issues. I wasn’t into it at first, but the leads are solid and by ep 5 it got really good, becoming a narrative about self discovery meets understanding and accepting others people’s flaws without hurting them. Ultimately we witnessed two characters maturing because of each other and their mutual affection, without that affection becoming the conflict point. Instead, tension was built around other aspects of identity, popularity, and childhood trauma.

Tokyo in April is AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa

Japan 2023 Viki

Two young men with a shared tragic past reunite and fall in love all over again, but the past will not stop hunting them. Based on a manga, this office set reunion romance is GREAT… damn it. It’s Japan in full on soft focus which means it gets emo, abusive, and chewy. These two characters are giving parts of their souls away in a desperate attempt to shape themselves to the expectations they have of each other.

The Eighth Sense

Korea 2023 Viki

This feels more atmospheric gay coming of age romance than strictly BL. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. It’s a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs (do I detect a touch of Taiwan?) This one deployed BL tropes (messy eater, shoulder sleep, protective seme, there’s even some hyung-slinging) but front loaded them with painful backstory and tons angst drives the 2nd half. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it does have a glorious ending and that counts for a lot.

Bad Buddy

Thai 2022 YouTube

This was GMMTV’s flagship BL and it started 2022 on a BANG (okay no actual banging but you know what I mean), starring heavy hitters Ohm & Nanon in a pitch perfect university Romeo & Romeo masterpiece that will give you domesticity meets pain whiplash throughout and jet lag at the end. Some of the friendship and family dynamics are overworked, but it has great production values, killer acting, and some conscious effort to correct for half a decade of Thai BL’s anti-queer mistakes. The whole set up is build on family drama so, yeah.

Bed Friend

Thai 2023 YouTube

Office frienamies transition a flaming hot one night stand into a f-buddy relationship that is built on a puppy/cat dynamic (and kinks into it at one point). Our puppy is loyal, smitten, and protective with endlessly longing eyes, while our cat is snarky, prickly, and deeply damaged. NetJames give lovely high-heat with excellent chemistry and tuned-in performances of surprising depth, could have been spectacular but was the story is overworked, especially at the end. Still if high heat is your thing, this one will not let you down.

Lovely Writer

Thai 2021 YouTube

What Lovely Writer does, at heart, is reexamine Thai BL has done to queerness, but in a very gentle way that has more to do with Thai BL growing up than any actual queer authenticity. It’s not parody or pastiche, but it is self reflective and trying to correct for some chronic mistakes. Whether it is ultimately successful in this matter is going to depend on the watcher’s relationship to BL and queer identity. But that’s what makes this show beautiful, interesting, and thought provoking. And I, for one, applaud the effort even if I didn’t personally connect to the characters. There is both family trauma and dram and childhood stuff.

Happy Merry Ending

Korea 2023 Viki

Stars Lee Dong Won (KNK) as an ex-idol turned wedding singer with an abusive ex and a panic disorder + the sunshine pianist who falls in love with him. Timid tsundere & sweetheart gay is an interesting match. They’re gentle together, almost kindly, and there is a calm ache to their pairing. However, it lost its way as a BL, being more about the main character’s struggle than the romance. It had a strong finish but ultimately the premise & characters meant this was never going to be one of my favorites. But if you like angst, well...

Given

Japan 2021 grey

Boy joins band, falls in love with other boy. The singing is terrible, fast forward through that but with the possible exception of the hair styles, this BL could have been made in 2015 and no one would be surprised. As such, it wasn’t ground breaking, but it didn’t disappoint either. Very much a tortured past for our singer. (More here.)

The Eclipse

Thai 2022 YouTube

GMMTV does gay Blacklist with a good boy/bad boy pairing. This is a good show but the cast is excellent and the leads are absolutely flawless, which elevates it beyond just good. We got a nuanced and multifaceted burgeoning relationship: philosophical (and socio-political) conflict contrasted to moments of empathy; flirtation contrasted to moments of genuine affection, plus plenty of angst. This narrative is less about love than it is about courage and tenderness. However, near the end the pacing was off and the plot frustrating. Still, this is an enjoyable watch, with a finale that features verbal consent and a fun blooper reel.

Love Class 2

Korea 2023 Viki

3 couples form within a semester of university: 1. a hyung romance reunion of exes, one of whom has a dangerous past, 2. a friends to lovers romance, and 3. a one night stand between a mature student and a TA (many aspects of which had me laughing). I enjoyed the characters and dialogue of this show immensely. It was a little bit more breezy and friendly than I was expecting after the first installment, Love Class (to which this bears little resemblance and no connection). I’m not entirely sure Korea can handle multiple couples like this because it definitely felt disjointed, especially with the 3rd more mature couple (also my favorite) who probably should’ve had their own series. But I enjoyed something different from Korea.

About Youth

Taiwan 2022 Gaga

A truly lovely little coming of age high school BL with a classic YA low drama but high angst and an earnest depth. I didn’t even mind the singing, and that’s saying a lot. A weak seme/uke dynamic but tons of BL tropes (both rare in a high school setting but common for Taiwan) makes this one feel both sweet and colored by an almost real world authenticity and grit. More here.

Restart After Come Back Home AKA Risutato wa tadaima no ato de

Japan 2020 Gaga?

Atmospheric study in rural Japan meets complex family dynamics built on a romance framework of city boy meets country boy, grumpy/sunshine. It’s beautiful and icy sweet. Slow moving in places but ultimately worth the patience, low heat, low angst, and stunning.

DNA Says Love You

Taiwan 2022 Gaga

DNA deserves extra marks for an upbeat approach to a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled with sadness (in the guise of realism). There is a twist, which I found predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show. The leads are luminous and engaging, and it’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The first few eps are rough going but have patiences, it's worth it as the last ones really are special and life/love affirming - and the end is big-grin charming.

My Tooth Your Love

Taiwan 2023 Viki

Earnest dentist hottie with sad eyes who worries too much is smitten by an adorable sunshine neurotic bar owner with serious anxiety issues. They fall madly in love while courting each other with food, plushies, and naps. Then, shocker, talk about their feelings and try to actually sort out their problems so they can have an adult relationship. Bonus crumbs = 18 year old poor little rich kid in mad crush with a much older man. I really enjoyed this show, it had a unique premise, killer dialogue, there was a solid lead pair with charming chemistry, soft flirtation, delightful smiling kisses, and stinkingly cute domesticity.

Where Your Eyes Linger

Korea 2020 Viki

Ostensibly high school set about a poor kid whose been raised in a mafia kid’s family specifically to protect him (whipping boy trope, attack dog variant). Themes of codependency and survival with pretty classic Korean style romance ending.

TharnType

Thai 2019 Viki

This Thai BL has everything: university setting, great acting and complex characters, interesting friendship groups, enemies to lovers, angsty coming out, high production values, AMAZING chemistry, and multiple BL side couples with all the issues. But when I said everything I meant it because there's also: damaging queer rep, strong seme/uke and husband/wife language, classic tropes and lots of them, child abuse, bullying, mental illness, rough play, dub-con, non-con, and statutory rape (by the seme/gay character).

and its spin off: Don't Say No also qualifies for this post.

In fact most Mame stuff will involved trauma & drama, specifically.

Love By Chance 2

Love in the Air (Part 2)

Wedding Plan

Some others but I'm getting tired:

I Told Sunset About You et al

You Are Mine

Dear Doctor, I'm Coming for Your Soul

Ghost Host Ghost House

But frankly there are a ton more depending on how you look at it. I mean, what about Why R U? FIghter's dad is the issues with him coming out, but it's not really in the plot until late so ?

Lakorn BL drama llama soaps & similar

Moonlight Chicken - review here

Laws of Attraction

To Sir, With Love - review here

Sirs not appearing on this list

Our Dining Table is driven by childhood trauma but not angsty, similar to Oxygen. Not Me is angsty and dramatic and family stuff, but that's not really the driver of the plot. Life Love On the Line is all angst but he brought it on himself.

(source)

Updated Nov 19, 2023, no intention of adding to this so if you want more, look at the comments. Someone is bound to get annoyed their favorite isn't on the list.

[denimbex1986]

'There are shadows everywhere, where you can just hold on

Arthouse films rarely receive this much anticipation: the very first production still of the queer romantic drama ALL OF US STRANGERS went viral in August last year. This is of course partly due to the director Andrew Haigh, who made a name for himself with his debut film WEEKEND in 2011, and partly – and this is probably even more relevant – to the casting. What a trick to cast not only the indie heartthrob Paul Mescal, but also Andrew Scott, who has had countless women at his feet since the second season of Fleabag and his role as “Hot Priest”. So much pressure of expectation!

But ALL OF US STRANGERS is more than a well-timed, incredibly beautiful marketing product. This is mainly due to the strange otherworldly atmosphere that Andrew Haigh has adapted for the present in a somewhat sentimental but never cheesy manner from the Japanese novel “Strangers” by Taichi Yamada (1987): The lonely man in his mid-forties Adam (Andrew Scott) lives in a first recently developed new block, and he tries to write to remember his parents, who died in a car accident when he was a child. This seems like a well-known trick - until he travels back to the suburbs in the 1980s and has conversations with his parents (Jamie Bell and Claire Foy), very living ghost figures, that he was never able to have while they were alive. At the same time, he gets to know Harry (Paul Mescal), one of the few neighbors in the house, only in his late 20s. And a wonderful, intimate love relationship develops between the two, which makes you a little surprised at how quickly it can turn out so perfectly.

Although there is something slightly unreal and unsettling about the many night scenes and the dark color scheme of the film right from the start, you are happy to follow Adam as he carefully tells his story of coming to terms with his childhood and the present, even if it is peppered with many confrontations. The father always wanted to hug his son, but then thought that the harshness would be good for him. And yet the mother always suspected that her son was gay and always condemned it. Jamie Bell is outstanding, the conversation between father and son is one of the most beautiful scenes in the film.

However, ALL OF US STRANGERS is strongest at its romantic core. Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott have a wonderful chemistry that captivates you immediately, and the sex and club scenes are very reminiscent of WEEKEND (for me still the best romantic film ever) in their sensual intimacy. You can believe the openness with which they not only reflect on their big-city loneliness, but also talk about the generational differences in dating and safe sex - after all, one of them grew up with completely different points of contact with HIV than the other. And that's why you somehow understand how two completely strangers can become so close so quickly, as lovers, but also as friends, and as family.

“Every love story is a ghost story”. This is what DT Max titled his David Foster Wallace biography a few years ago. It could also be the subtitle of ALL OF US STRANGERS, which will at some point take an unusual and shocking turn for many viewers. But even in that there is still hope: as long as we can tell the story, we still remember it, it will live on. Fingers crossed.'

[nyx-b-log]

Parallel Hells by Leon Craig - Review

read: oct 2022

goodreads link here

content warnings: references to rape, gore, transphobia, homophobia, anti-semitism, sexism, and mass death, plus depictions of consensual kink, drug use, death (in the singular), and satanic rituals. these aren't all in each of the stories, but they do crop up.

if you want to try out her writing, two of her stories from this collection (in slightly different forms than published) are available here and here.

rating: 4 stars

summary:

a short story collection, featuring horror and horror-adjacent stories. very queer, often leans gothic.

opinion:

it's really good!

this isn't normally my kind of scene (short stories and/or horror) but this was pretty accessible thanks to the minimal level of gore.

rather than the horror coming from blood and guts flying everywhere (though there is some of that in unfinished and unformed), there's a sense of the uncanny that lingers throughout, that there's an unknown and terrifying world just out of sight but never far from mind. from the illness-induced hallucinations in the opening suckers to the house that never seems to make up its mind where the rooms are supposed to be in raw pork and opium (linked above) to everything about the last story saplings, it's rarely frightening but always unsettling.

but, unusually, there are some stories which have happy endings. not in that the monster gets vanquished (there's rarely a 'monster' to speak of), but that life goes on, the main character takes risks that may or may not turn out well beyond the scope of the story, or that they break free from whatever has been tormenting them since before the story began. though it's occasionally a sad read, it's never despairing or depressing. there's hope here, and it's appreciated.

there are thirteen stories (could it have been any other number, really), and they cover a range of settings and time periods. some modern (raw pork and opium, saplings, the bequest), others in the vague past (unfinished and unformed, a wolf in the temple), often in very specific settings like oxford uni in lick the dust or the house in pretty rooms.

transformation and generational trauma were two themes that stuck out to me, but i feel like this is the kind of collection which different people will relate to in different ways. living both queer and jewish crops up more than once, as do the effects of complex romantic relationships, two things which i suspect will speak to others a lot more than they did to me.

in terms of queer rep: every main character is queer (mostly queer women) and there are trans women abound. gay men and nonbinary folks also make their appearances, but the focus is definitely on queer women specifically. there's also normalised kink and bdsm, with it cropping up in a few stories and never being shamed at any point. it's welcomed with or without the queer link, too.

the writing itself is also great, with lots of precise word choices and clever depth woven into each story in a way that makes me want to read the whole thing again just to pull out those details i missed the first time. there's a slightly old-fashioned vibe to the whole thing too which i really appreciated.

the only one which didn't really click with me was pretty rooms, which no matter how hard i think about i'm not sure i understand. it's the most abstract of the thirteen, which doesn't help matters.

favourites for me are probably lick the dust (for that damn hand alone) and no dominion (which sets out to do one specific thing and does it perfectly).

if you're in the market for a short collection of queer gothic tales, this is for you!

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember 2020 Master List

Now that I have awoken from my post-Hypnovember nap, it’s time to post my 2020 Master List! in comparison to last year’s entries, a lot of stories this year delved more into either more intense kinks or more of my intense personal feelings than my stories last year did. Sometimes writing stories is a bit like reading my own tarot cards in that way- letting an ambiguous prompt roll around in my subconscious and sometimes being surprised or amused or even slightly unsettled by what it turns into. I hope you will find something in this group of works that soothes you, that turns you on, that intrigues you, and that most of all provokes a response. If you do, I’d absolutely love to hear about it. :)

Copying one of my favorite @jukeboxemcsa  ideas, I’ve also included a HypnoBS rating for every work about how realistic the hypnosis/mind control is in each work (IMHO). In this ranking, 1 means to is absolute bullshit and 5 is a normal Tuesday night (for someone).

Icons- 📰- story. 🔊- audio 💻- technology 😍- romantic 🌈- queer 😴- regular ole’ hypnosis 🛀- brainwashing and/or character in tub 👻- spooky 🐈- at least one happy pussy ❓- bad or reeeally questionable consent 👨‍🔬 -science! 🤪 -crackfic #-#sceneideas 😭-feeeels ⭐-author’s personal favorites

Day 1: Instant M/f 📰 😴🐈#😭

Choice quote: “Sean chuckled as he moved in closer. And closer. ‘I thought you wanted to know what it was like to be hypnotized, sweetheart. To follow suggestions? To have someone else take control? It’s not real control if I’m doing something you already wanted, now is it?”

HypnoBS- 5. Read the whole thing but- IMHO totally plausible.

Fun Fact- These are the same characters from last year’s Day 5: Poison.

Day 2: Coils F/m 📰 😴 💻 👨‍🔬

Choice quote: “Daniel rolled his eyes. ‘I bet you could hypnotize me with a bar of soap if you wanted to. That still doesn’t make me like spirals.’”

HypnoBS- 5. Maybe 4 because I don’t love the induction but- maybe you will? Also- oh no poor Daniel is so conditioned that he’ll go under to anything Jamie does! How hard for him. :(

Day 3: Staged Hypnosis (Stage) F/f 📰 😴 🌈 🛀 ❓

Choice quote: “No one needed to know she was a plant. A confederate. A stooge.”

HypnoBS- 1.5. This would collapse like a house of cards. It’s a fun concept though.

Day 4: Psychic F/nb 📰 😴 🌈 😍 👨‍🔬⭐

Choice quote: “Something about the hypnosis- being in and out of each other’s heads and in and out of each other’s bodies all weekend- made her feel like she and Tris had merged in some way. Like there was a new, deeper understanding between them now- a telepathic bond.”

HypnoBS- 5. Maybe a 4.5 if you’re recognizing some nre magical thinking here. But- I’ve definitely had this feeling and this kind of experience- and I hope some of you have had it/will have it as well. :)

Day 5: Visor F/multiple 📰 😴 🛀 💻 👨‍🔬 🤪#

Choice quote: “Besides, everyone knew stormtroopers were kinky.”

HypnoBS- 4.5. Some of the exact details would need to be changed and thought through more thoroughly, but I absolutely believe you could do something like this if you wanted to. (And if you do, you definitely have to let me know. I know some of y’all out there go to Dragoncon.)

Day 6: Pendulum F/y’all 🔊😴 👨‍🔬

Choice quote: This is a trick I first learned from a science book I read in 5th grade.

HypnoBS- 5. The real thing.

Day 7: Song Aliens/the human race 📰 💻 👻❓

Choice quote: “Anna didn’t know what she was singing.”

HypnoBS- 1. I hope. Why do the song based stories always turn out so creepy?

Day 8: Performance unknown/f 📰 👻❓😴# ⭐

Choice quote: “With each snap, the gears inside her doll body click click click clicked into action. She turned, jerky but graceful. She was determined to do well. “

HypnoBS- 5 (if part of a fearplay scene, which is my headcanon for this story)

Day 9: (Hot Under the) Collar F/f 📰 😴🛀🌈 🐈#⭐

Choice quote: “She was wearing her collar. She was aroused. It was as simple as that.“

HypnoBS- 5 With time, I think you could do this. Maybe a 4.5 for the 30 minutes thing- that might lead to a bit too much cramping.

Day 10: Gentle 🔊😴

Choice quote: “Just look into the spiral....”

HypnoBS- 5. I hope.

Day 11: Summoning Sappho (Summon) eventual F/f I hope 📰 😴🌈 🤪

Choice quote: “In fact, the only ideas left to try on their brainstorming board included ‘sexy alien invasion’, ‘sexy witches’, and this. Shockingly, at this point a sexy seance seemed the most practical.”

HypnoBS-1. Although stay tuned for Femme Flirt 2021.

Day 12: Plants unknown/m 📰 😴🛀#

Choice quote: “If he focused, Chris could feel that new suggestion also growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more firmly rooted inside of him. “

HypnoBS- 5, with the right person

Day 13: Artifact F/f 📰 😴🛀🌈 👨‍🔬 ❓

Choice quote: “She fumbled through the contents when suddenly her hand found something unexpected from her past.A red lipstick tube. An artifact.”

HypnoBS- 4? There’s different ways of reading this story, but my headcanon is that the consent here is pretty dubious.

Day 14: Tail M/f 📰 😴🛀❓👻#

Choice quote: “It was no use. She could sense her tail was still behind her. She couldn’t shake him. She should have known he’d come for her.“

HypnoBS- Let’s say 2. Although I think this could work really well for a fearplay scene in an appropriate setting (where someone wasn’t actually left unmonitored with extreme paranoia).

Day 15: Serve F/m 📰 😴#⭐

Choice quote: “He had put his heart and soul into the dish.They were hers now.”

HypnoBS- As a scene? 5 (depending on the person). As a long term effect, much lower.

Day 16: Memory F/f  📰 😴 🛀🌈 😍

Choice quote: “Mesmera waited for Galaxy Girl at the door.”

HypnoBS- 4, you could do an induction along these lines but -1 for psychic powers

Fun Fact: These characters were originally featured in last year’s Day 19: Hideout. 

Day 17: Toy F/f m/f 📰 😴 🛀🌈🐈 #

Choice quote: “Dolly hated to have Bad Manners. “

HypnoBS- 4.5. This is pretty deep into headspace, but I wouldn’t want to rule it out for the right person.

Day 18: Monster m/f 📰 😴 ❓😭⭐

Choice quote: “That kind of stuff wasn’t fair to think about here. It wasn’t everyone else’s fault that she was so warped.”

HypnoBS- 5. Ouch my heart. Poor young!Ella.

Day 19: Eyes M/m 📰 😴 🌈 😍

Choice quote: “Scott looked into his partner Brandon’s eyes. Brandon had hypnotized him so many times over the years in so many ways but- this was one of Scott’s favorites.”

HypnoBS- 5. Especially in a long term relationship like this. (In my pretend Hypnovember universe, these guys are some of the patriarchs of the hypnokinky convention scene and absolutely wonderful advice givers.)

Fun fact: The story of how these characters originally got together is in last year’s Day 12: Stage story. 

Day 20: Possession F/f  📰 😴 🌈 😍😭

Choice Quote- “Things that were hard to do for herself during these times became easier to do as something owned by Thadra. Taking a shower. Getting up and going to bed at the right time. Making sure she ran once a day. Making sure she ate.”

HypnoBS- Errr....4 trending upwards. Although for this to be safe and healthy you’d really need to be checking in with a therapist and working on your continuing mental health at the same time (IMHO). Please do not get relationship advice from my porn.

Day 21: Snaps 🔊😴👨‍🔬

Choice Quote- “No, that one was up.”

HypnoBS- 5. I’m not sure quite how this translates to audio but this is the kind of shenanigans I pull with friends all of the time.

Day 22: Restrict  F/f 📰 😴 🌈 🐈👨‍🔬 

Choice quote: “’Hmm. By ‘weird’ do you mean ‘hot’?’ asked Zahara, lounging above her on the couch. Nikki nodded. She definitely meant hot. “

HypnoBS- 2. A month is a long time and this is a strong reaction. But- maaaaaybe would work for a bit, especially within these boundaries?

Day 23:  Villain there’s a m and a f  📰 🛀👨‍🔬❓#

Choice quote: “They had been planning against that damned do-gooder reporter Lizzy Lampost for months and now they were about to finally have her in their clutches. “

HypnoBS-1. But you’re not reading this one for realism, are you?

Day 24: Drink F/f 📰 😴👨‍🔬🌈 😍

Choice quote: “’Leah,’ she said. ‘I’ve found a drinking game! This might be fun! Want to try it?’”

HypnoBs- 5. With the right person. (That part of the end might be a bit harder.)

Day 25:Worship: F/m 📰 🛀🌈 

Choice quote: “After all, it wasn’t the time to work right now. It was time to worship his Mistress’s cock.”

HypnoBS- Someone on AO3 told me this fic just wrecked them. Lucky that person- this one’s a 5. Maybe not with everyone, but an awful lot of people should be able to do an awful lot of the activities in this story. :)

Day 26: Fey M/f 📰😴 😭⭐

Choice quote: “Humans do not know the spells they weave.”

HypnoBS- 1 Only true in that metaphorical way. (So- really, really true. But not factual.)

Day 27: Recording F./m 📰 🛀❓👻#

Choice quote: “It’s a recording, he reminded himself. “She’s not there. No one is there.”

HypnoBS- 2 At least, I don’t know how to make this happen (outside of a consensual scene).

Day 28: Obsession M/F 📰 🛀😍👨‍🔬

Choice quote: “Some guys had cars. Some had computer systems. Some had home brewing. But Mark’s obsession was Julia.“

HypnoBS- Oh gosh. Errr...2.5? Hard to say. 

Fun Fact: This started as a one-sided scenario, then it changed, then it felt really hot, now it feels like a sweet silly sitcom premise. (If you want to read some episode synopses of this hypothetical sitcom, there are some brilliant ones here! Also- feel free to send me more!)

Day 29: Helpless F/m 📰😴😍

Choice quote: “’I want to be helpless,’ he replied. Juan felt his headspace changing. He threw himself into that feeling, trusting Josie to take the reins.“

HypnoBS- 5. Not a scene log, but pretty much How I Top.

Day 30: Awaken 🔊😴👨‍🔬

Choice quote: “Aaaaaand-awaken!”

HypnoBS- 5 Hypnotist BS- also a 5

Thank you all for reading these! Thank you especially to everyone who reblogged, wrote me comments, and generally supported me through this past month. I’m going to specifically single out @daja-the-hypnokitten​, @wellgnawed​, and @spiralturquoise​ for the encouragement- y’all are the best. :)  I know this is a long post, but I’d really appreciate reblogs of it!

Also, I didn’t have time to contribute myself but- if you donate to Hypnokink for Trans Lives, let me know and I’ll write you an epilogue for any of these stories that you choose. 

[binch-i-might-be]

looking back at my old stories and seeing patterns I hadn't noticed when I was younger is so fun, like girl...

why do none of your main characters have mothers huh

why is every single mom either dead or has fucked off

we get it babe you have issues ✨✨

ohhh also alcoholism! lots and lots of substance abuse :)

everyone is ~depressed~ and has anger management issues

a lot of my old main characters were... autistic-coded? idk if that was my bitchass projecting or what-

QUEER

usually an unhealthy codependent relationship (could be a close friend, semi-romantic partner, or enemy)

isolation :)

frankly weird amount of needless gore & torture. i was going through it ok

found family :))))

very questionable parenting techniques

a weird and slightly concerning trivialisation of self-destructive behaviour

mental breakdowns

self-loathing lmao

I had this one low-fantasy project (titled "most blades are double-edged". make of that what you will lol) about this assassin dude and his partner who had a very very odd relationship, and those two characters were basically two facettes of me? like, one was how I presented on the outside, and one was how I perceived myself on the inside. lowkey kinda interesting but also very pretentious. one of them was actually named ray :))

idk where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my essence is very easily perceived through all the stuff I wrote in my teen years

unsettling!

OH FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED THAT PROJECT WHERE I WROTE A BUNCH OF DRABBLES AND SHORT STORIES ABOUT THE PERSONIFICATIONS OF LIKE. WAR. ILLNESS. DEATH. LIFE. AGE. ALZHEIMERS. DEPRESSION AND S*ICIDE. THAT WAS FUCKING BONKERS

I mean I guess it's still very easy to see wtf is wrong with me through all my fics

suspicious amount of healthy and loving relationships there......

anyway I will Stop now lmao

[latenightcinephile]

#740: ‘Fox and His Friends’, dir. Rainer Werner Fassbinder, 1975.

Money can’t buy love, happiness, or freedom. But it can buy Valium. Life is funny that way. - Michael Koresky

Let’s race through the general synopsis and get to the good parts of the analysis, shall we? In 1975, Rainer Werner Fassbinder continued his exploration of the power imbalances inherent in romantic relationships with Fox and His Friends. Fox, a dim working-class gay man (played by Fassbinder himself), wins half a million marks in the lottery, and immediately becomes the target of a ring of viciously camp friends. After falling in love, he is encouraged by the most voracious of them, Eugen, to invest in his father’s company, to buy them a new apartment, to furnish it, and to pay for trips overseas in an attempt to repair a relationship that isn’t worth saving. Eventually, Fox is penniless and is last seen lying on the platform of a Berlin subway station.

What makes this film significantly different from Fassbinder’s previous work is that it’s an intensely and explicitly queer film. The bisexual director was not reticent about putting this facet of his life, with the cruising and the undercutting, on the screen to be explored. But it does raise the question: why tell this story with these characters? Are the class and sexuality of the characters meant to be unrelated, or are they representative of a parallel that Fassbinder sees?

Our first clue to this is in Fassbinder’s self-casting. Fassbinder plays Fox really strongly, to the point that my first instinct was that Fox was a self-insert, representing Fassbinder in most facets. But a bit of cursory reading indicates that if anything, Fassbinder saw himself as more of a Eugen - if there was a Fox at all in Fassbinder’s life, it was one of his boyfriends from around this time, who eventually found himself suffering in the same way that Fox does.

At first, it seems like the viewer knows where this story is heading: Fox is our working-class hero, familiar from cinema at the time, but even more specifically from the cinema of Eastern Europe at the time. He is a genuinely charming figure, too: when we see him rapping the table at a restaurant rhythmically, unsettling Eugen and drawing stares from those around him, it feels like he might disarm the “posh and prissy” gay men around him; he might reign triumphant over their squabbles. I was put in mind of the ‘Golden Heart’ films of Lars von Trier, where savage sacrifice is met with beatific reward. But right from the beginning, Eugen belittles Fox and makes it impossible for him to get a foothold - the only way he can hope to hold his ground here is by doing what Eugen wants to do but can’t, which is to spend money.

What could demolish the stance of Eugen, Max, Philip and the rest is if Fox’s genuine (if naive) love could destabilise them. In order to coax Fox’s money out of him, Eugen has to unceremoniously dump Philip. Likewise, Fox’s ex, Klaus, seems to be a genuinely nice guy. These factors could, in the hands of a slightly more optimistic director, lead to Fox’s triumph. Philip’s jealousy could thwart Eugen’s schemes; Klaus’s return could throw Eugen’s behaviour into clarity for Fox. Sadly for Fox, there is another theme that Fassbinder wants to explore in this film, and it pins down the agency of the characters at all four corners. In order to keep Philip in his good books, Eugen gets Fox to purchase clothes at his establishment. Max is kept quiet because he happens to own a furniture store. Klaus is rapidly embroiled in a smuggling operation. For these characters, love is just another thing that can be leveraged in order to get at the capital. Fox is too giddy to notice it.

One of the major ambiguities that I noticed while watching Fox and His Friends is that it’s hard to tell when the characters are being actively malevolent in their behaviour towards Fox and when they’re merely thoughtless. Eugen is the most clear in his attitudes: he constantly promises to turn Fox into ‘a real human being’, Henry Higgins style. Even with Eugen, though, there are times when he seems genuine: it’s only after the fact that we see the extent of his machinations. There are twitches in the facial expressions of Eugen’s parents that seem to suggest they might have a more calculating goal in mind, but Eugen’s father in his final scene seems defeated by his son’s total immorality. Even Max’s character motivations seem to be built on a seesaw: he’s positively affectionate and avuncular one minute and almost a literal devil on Fox’s shoulder the next.

Overall, though, that ambiguity doesn’t make a difference to the way the story plays out. Despite the desire we may feel to protect Fox (who, after all, is as dim as he thinks he is), it’s hard to feel that any great injustice has been done to him. Fox’s great flaw is that he wants to use his money to impress people, and thinks that someone being superior to him is the same thing as someone being worth falling in love with. As Michael Koresky suggests, “for Fassbinder, the tragedy is that [people] could choose to extricate themselves from the morass but often don’t.” Fox, and everyone around him, could turn back at any time from the capitalist hellscape of 1970s Europe. That they choose not to might say something about queer identity at the time; it might say something about the economic situation of West Germany. But even if it doesn’t say anything about that, it tells us a lot about the power capitalism holds, and how it dwarfs any other power imbalance that might be in play.

It’s not like everyone in the film is unsympathetic to what happens to Fox. There are a number of small roles, usually women, who offer support. But even those people are too unwilling to lose a sale, or too poor to offer anything significant. They’re just as much victims of capitalism here as Fox. The only real difference is that Fox is running towards his doom, arms wide open to embrace it when he thinks he’s embracing a lover.

Perhaps you might imagine from the images I’ve chosen that Fox and His Friends is a stylish film. It’s not; it’s absolutely a film about its storyline and themes. It doesn‘t have the ostentation of Petra von Kant, which I’ll have to write about another time. But this lack of excess style means that its characters seem even more seedy and appalling at their worst, and never rise to anything approaching redemption. They get exactly what they deserve, and they deserve exactly what they get. Is it a victory? No, but we don’t always get what we’re told we will.

[chimepunk]

What novels or book series would you recommend?

oh fuckin boy dude so many. 90% of what i read is either gay or scifi/fantasy or both, and some are technically for a younger audience but still great, so thats what most of this is which hopefully you’re cool with here goes

this got super long so i’m putting it under a cut. bolded titles are the ones that i’m super recommending, though i love them all

novels

the coldest girl in coldtown by holly black - vampires! a trans character! a bi character! one of the most novel approaches to vampires in fiction that i’ve seen! 10/10 would recommend

the darkest part of the forest by holly black - again, holly black is one of my favorite authors. this one’s got faeries (the proper vaguely unsettling kind that i’m all about) magical music, girls embracing their sexuality, girls being knights, interesting sibling dynamics, and a super cute m/m pairing

les miserables by victor hugo - ok yeah, it’s like 1400 pages long and historical fiction, but i love les mis a lot ok. it’s gotta be on this list just because it owns my ass. it’s like a old drunk french man trying to tell you about the june rebellion but he keeps getting distracted by things like people’s personal lives, the intricacies of the parisian underworld, and how much he wants to fuck the sewers. it’s wonderful

the night circus by erin morgenstern - magical circus that mysteriously appears for days at a time and then vanishes? a competition between young magicians drawn out for years? a wide variety of fascinating side characters? (i will say that the synopsis available for the book is somewhat misleading, as it’s actually less about our two protags and more about the circus itself. but that’s what makes it so enchanting)

the song of achilles by madeleine miller - retelling of patroclus and achilles story to be explicitly romantic. will make you feel like you’re floating on clouds and then rapidly crush your soul. sort of a happy ending? but it’s still a tragedy. their ending is the same as it was in the illiad so if you’re not prepared for that then maybe don’t read

good omens by neil gaiman and terry pratchett - a demon who’s not very good at being a demon and an angel who just wants to collect his books in peace thank you very much try to sabotage the end of times. absolutely hilarious

fairy and folktales of the irish peasantry by w.b. yeats - the best collection of irish faerie stories by one of my favorite poets. if you like creepy and tricky faeries i would def recommend checking these out

rootabaga stories by carl sandburg - another collection of folktales, this time inspired by the american midwest. kinda weird, kinda zany, very neat

the poison eaters by holly black - a short story collection of faery stories that are sometimes creepy, sometimes touching, sometimes gay. my personal favorite is about a library science student who finds a book collection where the characters come out at night and interact, but they’re all really great

series:

alex rider adventures by anthony horowitz - teenager gets recruited by MI6 as a spy, has incredibly high success rate, gets pretty fucked up along the way but damn those one liners tho, maybe have some self preservation alex? just a thought

all for the game by nora sakavic - about a fake sport called exy that’s kind of like indoor lacrosse but more violent. contains: crime families, found families, an aspec protag, girls kicking ass, unhealthy levels of sass, wonderful slowburn m/m that you can’t even see coming for a long while, and a happy ending for everyone!! i came for the gays and ended up reading all three books in two days. also you can get the whole series for less than five bucks on kindle! (note: tw for rape, physical abuse, torture, ptsd, child abuse, drug use, alcoholism, some use of slurs, mentions of past self harm, mental illness)

artemis fowl by eoin colfer - more faeries, but this time they live underground and are way more technologically advanced than humans. the first book focuses on our anti-hero trying to catch one and steal their gold, and they quickly become allies and solve faerie related cases together!! one of my favorite series growing up, and i cried in the middle of the hallway at school when i finished the last book

camp half-blood series by rick riordan - does rick riordan write a lot of mythology books? yes. do i love them all? yes. neurodivergent kids! kids from a huge range of racial and ethnic backgrounds! queer kids! collect them all! ft. greco-roman mythology and a lot of stupid jokes

emelan series by tamora pierce - ok this is easily one of my favorite series of all time. non-western high fantasy setting (picture greece/turkey, china, tibet, mongolia, scandinavia, etc type settings), following four young mages who have unique kinds of magic as they train and grow their skills and become powerful in their own right. only one of the kids is definitely white (jury’s still out on sandry), one is a lesbian, one is ace, one is pan, all four are raised by a loving f/f couple, body diversity, one of the best found families i’ve ever read, feminism, discussion of racism, classism, cultural identity, war, and so much more. it’s so so good and so under-appreciated please read all of the emelan books 

the dark is rising sequence by susan cooper - full disclosure i have not finished this series yet but i’ve re-read the first book a million times. it’s a neat take on arthurian mythology, with dark forces trying to take over and kids getting shit done

diviners by libba bray - psychic teenagers in 1920s new york! i’m a slut for prohibition, but these are also super fun and have likable and real characters, and doesn’t only focus on wealthy white people having parties which is nice. the occult! government conspiracies! historical references! genuinely scary situations! it’s rad!

the enchanted forest chronicles by patricia c. wrede - i adore this series so so much. it’s about a princess who’s father keeps telling her that she can’t have hobbies like fencing or cooking or conjugating latin verbs because they’re unladylike and insists that she marry this doofus prince that she couldn’t care less about. so she runs away and volunteers to work for a dragon and proceeds to send away all the princes that try to rescue her. it’s genuinely funny, has a really neat magic system in the later books, great female friendships, cats, dragons who have no time for your gender roles, and wizards who are the most ridiculous group of antagonists you will ever see

the infernal devices by cassandra clare - i really really do not like the author of this series but it also broke me so it must go on the list. if you’re familiar with the mortal instruments or shadowhunters on freeform, it’s set in that universe in the 1870s in london and it’s very steampunk and very angsty and it made me cry a lot

the kane chronicles by rick riordan - see: camp half-blood series but egyptian

fablehaven by brandon mull - oooooh fuck me up i love this series. this is another one meant for slightly younger readers but all of brandon mull’s series are so wildly imaginative and i’m a slut for world building so. the premise is basically that there are secret preserves all over the world that house magical creatures, and five of these preserves have vaults with artifacts that when brought together make a key to this massive demon prison. an evil society called the society of the evening star is trying to get the artifacts to open the prison, and a different group who is allied with the preserves called the knights of the dawn is trying to get to them first to prevent this from happening. there are dragons, light and dark powers, crazy convoluted vaults to get through, and some really cool creatures and characters

beyonders by brandon mull - this guy again! this one’s about a parallel world called lyrian that people on earth can only get to through small liminal windows, and usually can’t get back through. the story follows two kids, jason and rachel, who get stuck in lyrian and end up becoming major members of the resistance against the evil emperor maldor. just like fablehaven, the world building is insane and you’ll fall in love with all the characters. this is yet another series that made me cry in the middle of class when i finished it

the kingkiller chronicle by patrick rothfuss - this is series is long as all fuck and the last book isn’t out yet but it’s my #1 favorite series of all time. i found out about it bc a cashier at a local grocery store held up the line to write it down for me and i never went back. parts of it are achingly, hauntingly beautiful, other parts are hilarious enough to leave you in stitches, others make you want to pull your hair out. there’s sass, recklessness, beautiful and deadly girls, an overwhelming love and emphasis on the importance of music and storytelling, magic that’s more like science, ethnic adversity, student loans, a thing that might be a cow or might be a dragon depending on who you ask, and more quotable lines than you could dream of. the audiobook by nick podehl is also fabulous, and lin manuel miranda is producing and adapting it for the screen and maybe stage at some point in the future!

a modern faerie tale by holly black - guys. i love holly black. almost everything she’s ever written is on this list. this one is fairly self explanatory by the title, but it’s gritty and dark and has those lovely creepy faeries that she’s so great at writing. also a surprising m/m couple in the last book, both of whom are characters in the other two installments. (tw for drug use/addiction, brief sexual assault, and probably other things that i can’t remember right now)

the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater - also in my top 3 favorite series of all time, i cannot begin to describe this series. i first read it while up in the nc mountains which improved the experience to a surprising degree, but it’s stuck with me for the last several years. basically 5 teenagers go in search of a dead welsh king, but along the way there is magic, psychics, ghosts, a sentient forest, dreams becoming reality, curses, teenage shenanigans, classic cars, swearing, church, kisses and not kisses, illict hand holding, a baby crow, bisexuality, a death list, hitmen, and nicknames and it will consume your heart before you know what’s happening to you (tw child abuse, implied sexual assault, substance abuse, dissociation, mentions of past suicide attempts, body horror, gore, and disturbing scenes esp. in the last book)

six of crows by leigh bardugo - a team of criminals band together to break into an impossible fortress, fall in love, con an entire city, and get rich. set in the same universe as the grisha trilogy (which is also good but not as good as soc), this is basically a heist followed by a con, but pulled off by ruthless teenagers and with the help of magic

curseworker trilogy by holly black - crime families, magic that can only done through touch so everyone wears gloves, moral ambiguity, and a twisted romance. one of holly black’s best and most underrated series

baccano! by ryohgo narita - this is a japanese light novel series which has been adapted into an anime, but is much more extensive in print. the plot is extremely convoluted, but an absolute ride spanning several centuries, although the bulk of it is in the 1930s in nyc and chicago. there’s an elixir of immortality, crime families, trains, a solipsistic assassin and his mute assassin gf, serial killers, a demon with a catch phrase, murder, explosions, adorable couples, gambling, a gang leader named jacuzzi who is always terrified, killer corporations, and much much more

no.6 by asuka asano - another japanse series, this time focusing on two boys, one who grew up in a utopian city, the other who grew up outside the walls after the city destroyed his life. they meet when they’re 12 years old, and several years later, they’re reunited when the outsider rescues the city boy from arrest. they, along with a pimp and a nonbinary dog hotel owner, try to expose and overthrow the government. also ft. drag performances, mice who like shakespeare, killer bees, and boys falling in love.

the merlin saga by t.a. barron - my favorite take on arthurian mythology, chronicling merlin as he comes into his power. there’s a vividly magical island, giants, amulets, talking trees, stones that will try to swallow you, a swamp witch, celtic deities, huge wicker hats, poetry, new kinds of fruit, people that are also deer, and human’s long lost wings.

[coreymichaelsmithson]

The Spaniard

I was once given a gift of love by a stranger.

It lasted only a few hours of one evening, but it seemed like an époque, an age of unalloyed bliss. I could, of course, elucidate for you the mechanics of our pleasure … pepper this text with explicit particulars, offer up all the "naughty bits" that people love to fixate on. With a few choice expletives, I could stir your discomfort or your titillation, your outrage or your envy. But I'll spare you all that, and share with you instead the emotional epiphany that bloomed within this one encounter. Trust me, as I lead you into and out of the hothouse.

The stranger and I walked towards one another from opposite ends of a hallway … both of us clad only in towels, striding barefoot by closed doors, from behind which we could hear all the moans and slaps and sighs of a place like this, a place where men gather to lose themselves in pleasure, or pain, or both. In the dim center of the hall, we passed one another, unable to see much more than our outlines … for in a house of red lights, there are only silhouettes, blurry and unfixed suggestions, just enough visibility to define a few salient details. You can see things that suggest the paintings of Francis Bacon: cages, metal rails, open mouths, anatomy lit by televisions or neon, torsos half-cloaked in shadow, limbs dangling from slings, nightmarish smears instead of faces. Club music pulses from hidden speakers. If you have a checklist of sorts, and many men do, you could stand under a bare bulb, and see if each potential dance partner passes muster ... but you probably wouldn’t glean very much, because certain kinds of dark have a real thickness to them.

I could not see him, but I could feel him, even from a distance.

The gravity in the room had changed. Suddenly, we were like two comets of equal mass, each interrupting the other's trajectory, turning until we were in a locked orbit around one another, spinning together through the glittering dust of space and time. He guided me backwards through the hall, until we stood under a lantern, and we looked into one another's eyes, and everywhere else, and nothing that I saw under the scarlet lamp surprised me, save for the irresistibility of his dimples. But in that moment, I knew him, and he knew me.

The first thing I did was to place my hand upon his heart, and he placed his own hand atop it. I reached up with my free hand, and ran my fingers through his beard, and he did the same with mine. The hair on his jaw was soft, luxuriant. He closed his eyes, and I could feel his grin more than I could see it. Everything else fell away: the DJ's music and its insistent "untz-untz-untz", the reek of poppers and desperation, the nearby custodian with his latex gloves and disinfectant. We were alone.

Arm in arm, we walked back to the room I had rented. It featured a narrow twin-sized bed, with the cheap kind of plastic-covered mattress that is easy to clean. There was a storage locker beneath, and a monitor on a tilted bracket, and a mirrored wall. Not much for décor, but it was sufficient.

After an initial, overpowering rush of ardor, we strung our remaining hours together with long passages of conversation. I learned all that I could. He was an architect, and a polyglot … born and raised in Spain, now living in Germany and working in France. While men in other rooms around us groaned through their catalogue of kinks, their grunted litanies, the architect and I just lay there, naked and entwined, and talked about art. We talked about Matthias Grünewald's "Crucifixion", the interpenetrating forms of Moshe Safdie's "Habitat 67", the genius of the Centre Georges Pompidou, and Moroccan food. We talked about Serge Gainsbourg, Divine, Carravaggio, the Taj Mahal, Versailles, Berlin's decadent years, and Bernini's "Ecstasy of St. Theresa" … to which, a short while later, my facial expression would be favorably compared. Our conversation flowed with such ease, such candor … it seemed we had been friends for years, rather than minutes. Obviously, we did much more than talk, but our dialogue was every bit as stimulating as all of the nonverbal, concupiscent business.

Men in our culture are trained from an early age to avoid intimacy. Vulnerability and emotional availability are seen as a weakness. Even platonic affection is looked upon unfavorably. The "bro-hug", in which the two parties' bent arms and clasped fists form a boundary, a barrier to real closeness, is an unsatisfying expression of our anxiety. Men are so starved for touch that we sexualize and even pathologize our needs; love becomes horseplay in the locker-room, trust becomes violent sport, lust becomes wrestling, and curiosity becomes a secret assignation in an underground cave. Men are encouraged to swallow their emotions, wall up their desires, and refrain from physical bonding. As a result, some butch dudes are drawn to heavy BDSM scenes as a way of coping with this conflict … own pain before it owns you, use ritualized shame to regain a sense of control. “Real men” punch each other instead of kissing. “Real men” rape or get raped.

In this setting, in this harsh climate, two men lying peacefully in each other's arms can feel like a revolutionary act.

All around us, we heard sounds of guys hurting one another, or begging to be hurt. All of the devils in Hell were howling. Masculinity became a showy, loud parade of safewords and signifiers, and from behind a hundred closed doors rose a chorus of denials, denigrations, demands. Meanwhile, in the midst of all this, the architect and I embraced. As our neighbors spat and hurled invective at one another, the Spaniard and I examined, and fondled, and praised all that we touched. We took our time to explore, without fear of reprisal or rejection, and to enjoy all the soft, yielding sensations of adoration.

What I remember most is the sense of permission. Permission to touch, to look, to sniff, to taste, to explore, to enjoy. Permission to relax, to be present, to lounge lazily together on the cheap mattress, nuzzling, with neither goal nor expectation. I rested my head on his chest while he pressed words and kisses onto my brow. Later, during one of our numerous sweating ascents, as we worked together towards our white hot rewards, I stared upwards into his eyes, and received his gaze in return, holding his face between my hands as we moved in unison. We felt unashamed. There was nothing dirty in our coupling, nothing furtive or tainted. It was pure.

A few hours later, after a refreshing shower, we left the bathhouse together and walked through Capitol Hill, ground zero of Seattle's queer life. As a teenager, I had spent a great deal of time there. When I was a young punk-tinged faggot in the height of the AIDS era, this neighborhood was holy ground. It was the first place where I saw that love could be weaponized. It was the first place where I wore queer clothing, hung out with my queer friends, raised my fist in queer solidarity. It was where I could try on various adolescent identities to see what would stick: affected conceptual artiste, potsmoking poet in a black beret and hoop earring, goth queen with runny mascara and ratted hair, pacifist protestor in army jacket and combat boots. Capitol Hill was my real schoolhouse, long after I had abandoned the silly structures of high school. I explained all of this to the Spaniard as we strolled, arm in arm, through the soft, tepid drizzle.

He wanted to sit for a while. We found a quiet, romantic restaurant, the kind of joint with pressed tin ceilings and good lighting. The kitchen was closed, but he got a beer and I got a coffee. There, away from the red bulbs, away from the growling animals, I could look deeply into his eyes, and really study him, and I found that he was even more beautiful than before.

But for all of his graces, and there were many, the Spaniard had one very strange, slightly unsettling aspect … his face kept changing.

It wasn't just his expression. He looked utterly different from moment to moment, shockingly so. His ethnicity was impossible to guess. All the countries of Eurasia battled for supremacy over his features; sometimes he appeared Greek, sometimes Italian, sometimes Turkish, sometimes Dutch. Between sentences, his eye color changed, his nose grew longer or shorter, his cheekbones raised or lowered, his hair thinned or thickened. I've known a few shapeshifters in my life, and have studied other historical ones, people like Feodor Chaliapin, but I have never before encountered one as startlingly adept as this. If I were not so completely convinced of his kindness, his abundant and quite obvious goodness, I would be terrified by the plasticity of his appearance. I gasped aloud a few times as I watched it happen. I knew that I was not going mad, that I was not hallucinating. His face was transforming itself before my eyes. He was an angel who couldn't choose which human skin to wear.

We lingered for a long while, trying the patience of the waitstaff, who were probably eager to finish up their tickets for the evening. We talked about his life in Germany, his upcoming teaching appointment at a university in France. We talked about our relationships, the failures and the successes, the crushed dreams and the enduring flames. We tried to compress as many of our life stories as we could into the tiny space between us.

I told him about the fate of my poor William, who slid into a spiral of drugs and madness and loneliness, a decline that ended with his putrefaction in a darkened hallway. The Spaniard listened to all this, wide-eyed and silent, nodding, and he held my hand throughout. After I finished, and was left at a loss for words, surprising myself once again by the intensity of my grief, he came round the table without a word and held me, cradling my head against his bosom, stroking my hair. He did this with no self-consciousness, even though we were sitting right by the front windows, in plain sight of the passersby. It was the sweetest expression of love, abundant love, and I drank of it like a burnt man in the desert.

Shortly after midnight, I walked him back to his hotel. It had gotten colder, after the rain. Our arms remained wrapped tightly around one another the entire time. We came at last to his place, where he would meet his traveling companion; they would head off in the morning to Vancouver, and then onwards to home. We kissed, and then I confessed what I had known, with absolute certainty, since I first placed my hand upon his breast … that I loved him. And I meant it, so much so that I felt as if a part of my heart were being wrenched from its anchors. And then I walked away, smiling but reluctant, shoving my hands into my pockets and leaning into the quickly chilling air. The night collapsed between us like the Red Sea.

It's quite unlikely that I'll ever see him again. He lives, after all, on the other side of the ocean, near the intersection of Germany, France, and Switzerland, where he has all the riches of Europe at his disposal … while I live in a vapid cultural wasteland, where teenagers eat detergent and racists burn their shoes. I'm desperately poor, and don't know how I could possibly get back to that part of the world.

But, it doesn't really matter, anyway. He gave me the gift that I needed. Right as we were about to part, I realized, as he held his lips against mine, that the intensity of our coupling was as much a matter of urgency as it was pleasure. Seeing the approaching end of something brought every moment into sharp relief. Yes, we met in a lurid place, and yes, our romance could only last for one evening. But the fleeting nature of this encounter helped give shape to our joy, definition to our goodwill. Our dalliance was not the vast ocean of a long marriage, with many tempests and calms; ours was a tiny alpine pond, ringed with wildflowers and glinting in the sun, lasting only a season, or a tidepool that came alive for a few hours, rippling atop a shoreline rock. In its brevity it was perfect. In the days to come I will think of him, and cherish our one flawless night, turning it over and over again in my mind like a faceted jewel, a gem made more brilliant by its rarity. And the next time I'm asked what it means to fall in love at first sight, I will recall the Spaniard, and his devastating dimples, and his gentle radiance … and while I must keep for myself much of what he whispered to me, in the dark, I will later relay in short conversational bursts our glimpse of heaven, our small but significant triumph over wickedness, and what we discovered together in the middle of the bathhouse, way down in the lowly maze where men descend together, into the depths, under the infernal glare of red.

[denimbex1986]

'In All of Us Strangers, Andrew Haigh’s sixth feature film, the first thing we see is light: the hazy blue dawn, then the sunrise painting the tower blocks on London’s skyline a raw, fiery red. There’s a kind of otherworldly radiance that courses throughout this haunting romance, landing somewhere between modern-day ghost story and deftly rendered family drama – with a shy, gay writer Adam (Andrew Scott) at its heart.

Mostly locked away in his city flat and gazing listlessly at a blank Word doc on his laptop, or otherwise watching crackly Top of the Pops videos while snacking on gingernut biscuits, Adam has decided to start work on a new screenplay which revisits his childhood growing up in eighties Britain. Simultaneously, his sole, slightly chaotic neighbour Harry (Paul Mescal) in an eerily empty (and yet very tall) apartment building begins paying him late-night visits, having spied Adam through his window during a routine fire alarm drill.

Aside from the unsettling lack of other people in this metropolitan setting, so far, so normal. That is until Adam hops on an overground train back to the sprawling suburbia of his youth and there encounters his parents (Claire Foy and Jamie Bell) going about daily life as usual in their two-bed detached house, mysteriously unaged – roughly as old as Adam himself – and seemingly ready, if a little bit startled, to welcome him back home.

In terms of thematic territory and genre, All of Us Strangers draws the most parallels to Haigh’s 2011 Tom Cullen-starring romcom-adjacent drama, Weekend. But unlike the rest of his oeuvre, Haigh’s latest has a distinctive supernatural edge, owed in large part to his source material, Strangers by Taichi Yamada. Around the skeleton of the concept of Yamada’s novel, however, Haigh – both writer and director – has done the heavy lifting, fleshing out a reality in which the ripples made by the AIDS crisis are still felt in the lives of queer men. The present is threaded with the past in this stirring love story where what’s real and what’s not are left captivatingly unclear.

The echoes of eighties anthems, from the Pet Shop Boys to Frankie Goes to Hollywood – amidst a masterfully hypnotic score by Emilie Levienaise-Farrouch – are both comforting and unnerving in equal measure, hoisting this bygone decade back into the present, while other hints of the past (a car screech, a child that resembles the young Harry) are scattered cleverly throughout the narrative like a trail of breadcrumbs. And – the dialogue between Adam and Harry suggests – fundamentally things haven’t really changed that much for the queer community, despite Adam’s faltering protest to his mother that “things are different now”.

One concern that runs through Weekend and All of Us Strangers is the idea that coming out to one’s parents is a key, formative experience. The two protagonists of these films, for different reasons, have this moment stolen from them, leaving them unable in some way to settle into their sense of self. For Adam, queer loneliness – the isolation triggered by the fact that society posits straightness as the norm, necessarily leaving queer individuals on the margins – is compounded by the grief of losing his parents, doubling up on his fears of forever being alone.

Scott navigates this tricky emotional terrain with irrefutable skill, harnessing the many complexities of this young writer, from a cautious reservedness in his new romantic relationship with Harry to a childlike fragility found with his family. Meanwhile, Foy and Bell give staggering performances as his parents. Only Mescal feels ever so slightly out of place as Adam’s zany, troubled neighbour – with a northern accent unconvincing enough to rival Barry Keoghan’s Liverpool accent in Saltburn – often seen swinging a bottle in his hand. (He does at one point ditch alcohol, but that doesn’t last for long.) There is, though, plenty of chemistry between the two leads, and the sex scenes in which they both star feel refreshingly sincere and understated.

These juxtapositions – crimson and violet, past and present, emotional frostiness and warmth – seem to be at the core of All of Us Strangers, Adam see-sawing between these different poles as he struggles to hold onto his relationships. With its many-windowed apartment blocks and sunlight-brushed train windows, All of Us Strangers is a film swarming with reflections, both literal and symbolic – but in spite of this self-scrutiny, Haigh’s conclusion finds our sense of the present is as hazy as our sense of the past. Beneath its light, tenderness and warmth, this examination of queer loneliness is often chilling, disruptive and bravely unafraid of leaving its question marks un-erased.'