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#so Tumblr gets to see it first yay
liquidstar · 5 months
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ok based on what im seeing from cohost it actually seems like the best alternative if you actually wanna be able to make whatever kinda posts you want. so like for my purposes it HYPOTHETICALLY works best. its also pretty similar to tumblr in terms of layout though im not a huge fan of the design of the site? hopefully i can customize it more though- theres a waiting period of about a day or two before i can really post or do anything so i really cant say 100% if im on board
but if tumblr went down i might try to use cohost for my oc stuff, and honestly i would like it if enough ppl used it so that i could just stay on there, but if i have to use twitter to keep in touch w ppl so be it. i really hate how public twitter feels though, i like it better on smaller sites like here and, well, hypothetically cohost, where it doesnt feel like i could be subject to the public eye at any point.
so yeah ill tell you all how good or bad it is once the waiting period is over and hopefully if its good enough for me and maybe some of you we can make accs to move to, if the time ever comes. but for now im happy with my stuff here and i hope i can keep it here. if you already have one my username there is the same, tho obvs its empty. anyway im going to watch k on
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kyouka-supremacy · 6 months
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٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
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fully convinced the byler tag kidnapped me and wiped my memory because i’m genuinely not sure how i got here. like one day i was like ‘i’m lonely and gay maybe tumblr will fix all my problems’ and then the next day im neck deep in gay analysis and delirium???
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blessingchordd · 27 days
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a fuckin' bee is beefing with my WINDOW
Like, I have two windows, one is open and the other is not, and yet having the FREE WILL and the CHOICE to LEAVE, she's just hittin her head once and once and once again like a fool.
But I refuse to think she's that DUMB, and the idea of her being mad and wanting to fight a window is way more interesting (funny)
Even her buzzin' sounds mad
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danzainosolitude · 2 months
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I thought I swore off my hero academia years ago but here I am reading Yesterday Upon the Stair. Not particularly interesting (not a fan of Fanon Deku) and hard to read (cringy) at some points, but I was curious about what people were raving about. Maybe it’ll get better in the next 50 chapters. Just gotta hold out and maybe I’ll find a great fic. 4/10 so far.
#complaint time yay#I was a bit wary of the fic due to the BAMF tag but still expected the scenes to be minor#fortunately there are like maybe two scenes that ‘fit’ that tag so far#on the other hand the writing hyper focuses on whatever Deku’s up to so the aforementioned scenes really stand out#the scene where Deku first goes ‘my friends are scarier than you’ really pulled me out of the fic immediately#when he starts trash talking bakugou I was convinced he was going to get an ass beating (because it’s pre redemption bkg) but bkg just… let#him go away? (according to my memory but it’s really trash)#the second scene where his weird tagline shows up again against shigiraki the part where we usually get to see other classmates interact#with Deku he starts pulling out the intimidation tactics? and they’re working? it’s so jarring I actually had to look away from my phone to#process it. everybody hates writing about large groups of characters but the background characters in this fic are so in the background you#don’t even hear about them. I saw platonic tddk in the tags and he’s been mentioned once? by bakugou?#the fic is so focused on Deku that you barely know if canon is happening in the background#a more in depth description of his childhood would be nice too#suddenly throwing in that he was mute for a little bit when he was seven (???) and that he has a massive fucking scar on his face is a bit#surprising#anyways my tumblr is glitching out so I’ll continue at a later date#rant#not tagging this as mha because I want to rant into the void#also I’m at chapter 10 so if my (very biased) critiques are wrong then whoopsie#oh man this *is* getting really hard to read (cringe wise)#additional ranting about not having any updates on canon: are we supposed go believe that Deku and Ochako are buddy buddy like usual? their#dynamic is completely different?#we barely to get to see him interact with non dead people#or almight and Aizawa
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whydoihavetowearshoes · 8 months
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milk or cereal first is a classic debate, but why not just pick one according to whatever cereal you're eating and your preferences? eating thin cereal that gets soggy quickly? pour the milk first and put it away and get a spoon and pour the cereal last. eating cereal that takes its time to become soggy? sweet! do whatever the hell you want. you have
✨OPTIONS✨
or you can do whatever is closest that you feel like doing. that's...that's actually what i do because fuck being strategic. i'm hungry and i want cereal so i will now do eat my strawberry frosted mini wheats because we ran out of cinnamon toast crunch and the cheerios feel like they're old enough to attend pre-school. farewell :D
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descending-snow · 8 months
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the minds of monsters by seneca_milestone17 is so good go check it out
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a-dinosaur-a-day · 9 months
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Meig's Comprehensive Guide to Reptiles, aka: the vast majority of land vertebrates
Welcome! This is another long post by me, one of tumblr's most annoying resident paleontologists. But I promise: it'll be fun, it'll be engaging, and you'll be glad you read it.
What the Everloving Fuck is a Reptile?
Well, back in the day, you probably learned reptiles were land animals, with backbones, that were covered in scales, were cold-blooded, and laid eggs with hard shells.
But, you see, we classified organisms based on traits back when we didn't know about evolution. Or prehistoric life. And turns out, there are a lot of things in the past that do not fit in the categories we made based on living things today. A lot of things.
Soooooooo... now we classify based on evolutionary relationships! Aka, family trees.
So what is a reptile?
A reptile is any animal more closely related to living crocodilians (Crocs, Gators, etc.) than to rodents.
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Aka, back around ~330 million years ago, animals that laid land-adapted eggs split into two groups: Proto-Mammals (that would eventually become mammals), and Reptiles.
So, a reptile is, anything closer to the group of "classical reptiles" than to mammals. Simple enough. And it is the entirety of an evolutionary unit - a single clade, consisting of a common ancestor and *all* of that ancestor's descendants.
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Turns out, this includes birds, but I'll get to that.
The First Reptile Group to Branch Off: Parareptiles
So now we go through our groups of reptiles based on their evolutionary/familial relationships, and the first group to branch off from other reptiles were the Parareptiles.
(Note: Their evolutionary history is in flux and it's possible they're actually further down on the reptile tree, or not even a natural group. for now, we're going to go with them as the earliest branching group and assume they're a single thing, even though that is probably going to be very wrong in the next few years).
These were weird mfers, living from around 310 million years ago until 200 million years ago. They had robust bodies that were low to the ground, with legs *usually* sprawled out on either side. They also had very robust and broad skulls. Many of them look superficially like lizards, in that they're quadrupedal animals with limbs splayed out to the sides, but they were *nothing* like lizards. While early members of the group had long tails, over time, the bodies of parareptiles became more stout with shorter tails. They also had swollen, thick vertebrae, and stout upper limb bones. They were CHONKY.
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The earliest members to branch off were the Mesosaurs, a small group of aquatic reptiles! They were long and slender, and quite small compared to later aquatic reptile groups. The next group to branch off were Millerettids, which were small insectivores with superficially lizard-like apperances. Most Parareptiles were Procolophonomorphs, and included everything from the bipedal Eudibamus to the huge Pareiasaurs that were major megafaunal herbivores during most of the Permian period.
All Parareptiles, as far as we can tell, are extinct today. Unless their evolutionary relationships change. Yay science!
All the rest of reptiles are in Eureptilia, which have smaller bones in the lower back of the skull that no longer connect to the roof of the skull. So, skulls like living reptiles!
Captorhinids
The next group to branch off are the Captorhinids, a group of interesting little reptiles with shorter tails, sprawling limbs, and weirdly boxy heads. Living from 300 to 252 million years ago, they started out as small carnivores, and eventually evolved to be large herbivores!
Protorothyridids
Next to branch off are the Protorothyridids, which lived only in the latest Carboniferous. They were small, superficially lizard-like animals, but their limbs were a lot more slender and long than lizards, as were their bodies and heads. In fact, they seemed to have been adapted for climbing trees, making them among the earliest known animals to do so!
All remaining reptiles are Diapsids, characterized by having two holes (postorbital fenestrae) behind the eye socket. This is where all living reptiles are.
Araeoscelidans
Our first group of Diapsids are the Araeoscelidans, which - again - were SUPERFICIALLY lizard like. I cannot stress enough that nothing so far has been an actual lizard. In fact, they had more slender limbs, longer tails, and less specialized heads than lizards. That said, they probably lived similarly to them, though some members may have been adapted for climbing, and others for swimming.
Unfortunately, we're now at the part of the tree where evolutionary relationships are a mess. Parareptiles may actually go here, or only some of them. Lots of different groups diverged here very quickly. It's a messssss. I will go through each group, but just know all we know is that these groups fall outside the next big chunk - Sauria - but within Diapsids.
Younginidae
Younginids are reptiles from right around the End-Permian extinction, basically only living in the latest Permian and earliest Triassic. They were as big as living monitors, and they had less kinetic (mobile) skulls than living reptiles. They would have been superficially lizard-like - again - but very different, and they had ridiculously long tails and toes, making them powerful movers.
Tangasaurids
Tangasaurids were a weird group of end-Permian to earliest Triassic animals, with some adapted for aquatic life in freshwater and lake environments, and other living life on land like other reptiles. As such, Tangasaurids represent another experiment in secondarily-aquatic life among reptiles. The land dwellers had long toes for efficient land movement, while the aquatic ones had those amazing water adapted traits that we associate more with living species. In fact, some of their tails were flattened, like sea snakes today!
Longisquama
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For the sake of my sanity, I'm trying to group things up in as few groups as possible without ignoring anything. But this is a weirdo, and it doesn't have any family members, so I have to talk about it alone. You know that reptile you may have seen in books with the hockey-stick like things coming off of its back? That's Longisquama. The problem is, we don't know much about it. It had a small, slender head, and a typical reptile body, with limbs splayed out to the sides. Those fins on the back were *not* like feathers, but something else entirely - maybe just elongated scales. Or maybe it died on top of a plant (unlikely). Many bad scientists point to this animal and say its the ancestor of birds, but that's been thoroughly debunked at this point. It lived in the Middle Triassic, around 235 million years go.
Thalattosaurs
Thalattosaurs were Triassic reptiles - so living between 252 and 200 million y ears ago - that were semiaquatic! They had long, narrow skulls adapted for grabbing fish, and slender bodies for moving through the water. Their tails were long and paddle-like. Some of them had long necks, while others had shorter necks. Some even had a hook-like end of the snout for trapping slippery fish prey! They ate many different things, with a few species adapted for crunchy marine food, others for slippery, and so on.
Ichthyosauromorphs
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Some of the most famous extinct reptiles go in this group - the group of reptiles that essentially evolved to be dolphins before dolphins were even a thing - a classic case of convergent evolution. These marine reptiles were extremely successful, living from the beginning of the Triassic - 252 million years ago, possibly even older - until the middle of the Cretaceous, 90 million years ago. We have early forms that show only partial adaptations to marine life, but they very quickly became fully aquatic, even giving birth to live young under water. Some of the largest marine animals ever fall into this group, including Shonisaurus and Shastasaurus. The earliest members showcase the evolution from typical reptile-shape to the weird reptile-dolphins they would become. Proper Ichthyosaurs had big eyes, round bodies, long narrow heads, and four flippers - one for each limb. Their tails were also long and ended in a fin like living sharks and whales. Some even had a dorsal fin! This group is *huge*, so I recommend digging into their wikipedia pages to learn more! Note that these are their own, huge, distinct group of reptiles - completely separate from lizards *or* dinosaurs!
Claudiosaurus
Claudiosaurus is another unique, who knows where it goes reptile, and it showcases another shift into aquatic life for reptiles during the end-Permian mass extinction. It was 60 centimeters long, and had flippers on its feet. It probably couldn't move very much on land, so it would have lived most of its life in the water. Its tail, torso, and neck were all very long, while its head was on the smaller side. Its limbs were also quite long compared to its body size. So this was a weird animal - and we're not sure where it falls in the story of marine reptiles yet. More research on this critter is needed!
Choristoderes
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Choristoderes were semiaquatic, unplaceable reptiles that varied a lot in size over their time and managed to live through to the Miocene - so they existed from sometime in the Triassic to as recently as 11.6 million years ago! Some were as small as 30 centimeters, while others grew up to 5 meters. They were convergently similar to living crocodilians, with bodies built for semiquatic life and long narrow skulls for grabbing fish. In fact, their heads are kind of weird looking - like a heart at the base with a long projection coming off of it, if you look at it from the top. They had very simple teeth, and thin overlapping scales that were probably very soft in life. They also had webbed feet! They were exclusively fresh water animals, and may have had eggs that hatched immediately after being laid. It's wild we missed them being extant by like... a blink of an eye geologically.
Weigeltisaurids
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Reptiles have evolved gliding membranes from their ribs multiple times, and this is the first one we're talking about in this article. They lived at the end of the Permian, between 259 and 252 million years ago - only going extinct in the mass extinction, though a possible Triassic fossil is known. They were not close to lizards or dinos, but had a lot of convergently similar traits to lizards. The lower ribs, aka modified gastralia, are pulled out to the side in pairs of long hollow rods, which would have supported a gliding membrane that was controlled by the abdominal muscles. They were big, which made them less efficient gliders than living gliding lizards. Their heads were very triangular, and they had extremely long tails.
Sauropterygia
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Okay, so this group is going in "miscellaneous reptiles" because currently their evolutionary origin is in flux. We used to think they were close to the lizard and snake group, which we'll get to at the end of this post (long way to go). Then we thought they were close to turtles, and we didn't know where turtles went, so they were kind of in limbo. Then we figured out turtles were closer to crocodilians and birds than to lizards and snakes, so we dragged Sauropterygians there with them. And now studies are indicating that Sauropterygians and Ichthyosauromorphs are closely related, along with a bunch of other marine reptiles. And sometimes that group comes outside of crown-reptiles (Sauria, in a sec), and sometimes that group comes into the close to crocs and birds group like turtles. I don't know. I don't know where they go. They're going here.
Anyways, Sauropterygians includes a lot of weird marine reptiles. Helveticosaurs may be in this group - they had wide torsos, short limbs and tails, and a small square head, and were early marine reptiles during the middle Triassic. Saurospharigds may also go here - this group were superficially like turtles, but they were actually convergently similar, not related to living turtles closely at all (unless all Sauropterygians are?). They had elongated flat vertebrae on their backs, with matching chest ribs, to form a rib basket. Placodonts are the first definite group of Sauropterygians, which were *also* weirdly turtle-convergent. Some members of this group had huge scutes on their bodies, for part or all of their torsos, to protect them - different anatomically from turtle shells, but similar looking from a distance. They had teeth built for crushing shellfish, and had long tails to aid with swimming. Many members just looked like typical marine reptiles, however, and did not have those shells that later members had. Nothosaurs were Sauropterygians with long necks and tails and limbs that still had toes and were capable of going on land, but were more similar to the famous Plesiosaurs than the Placodonts were. Their feet were webbed, they ate primarily fish and squid. Pachypleurosaurs were similar, but had longer necks and limbs that were unable to go on land. The next group, Pistosaurs, had full flippers on their limbs, and long necks with triangular heads. This includes all Plesiosaurs, aka "Loch Ness Monsters", as well as things like Liopleurodon - many forms had very long necks, while many others had short necks, all across this group. Sauropterygians lived for the whole of the Mesozoic, showing up in the Early Triassic and lasting until the very end of the Cretaceous, and lived worldwide.
Drepanosaurs
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In the Triassic, a group of mystery reptiles - possibly in this group of not closely related to anything today weirdos, possibly closer to crocs and birds - that truly showcase the weirdness of the Triassic Period. Living between 230 and 201 million years ago, Drepanosaurs had very long bodies, with flexible limbs and hands adapted for grasping branches, including opposable toes on the foot and giant claws on the hands. Their heads were very small and triangular. They had a hump on their upper backs to allow for strong muscle attachments, giving them the ability to rapidly catch insects in midair. The tails of some species ended in a freaking extra claw. In short, they were generic reptiles - or almost-archosaurs - trying their damnedest to be monkeys. And they got terrifyingly close. Some had heads that were so convergently bird like that they confused bird researchers for years, but it was convergence - in fact, the beaks of Drepanosaurs are completely different anatomically.
SAURIA
If we defined reptiles above as everything closer to living reptiles than to living mammals - ie, the most inclusive group that has crocodiles but does not have mammals - this is the *least* inclusive group that still includes every living reptile. So like, Sauropsida - where we started - is like a huge clan, with only some surviving members, but the most recent grandparent those ancestors shared was not the start of the clan, it was later on in the clan's history. I hope that made sense. Anyways, this is the group we call Crown-Reptiles.
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And it, by that definition, has to include birds. Because birds and crocodilians are more closely related to each other than either are to lizards and snakes. Saurians first appeared at the end of the Permian, and diversified like crazy during the Triassic when all the niches opened up after the Great Dying. We can thank the End-Permian extinction for the sheer diversity of reptiles we have in the fossil record *and* today! Because while all those lovely friends from before were great - including the ones that persist to the Jurassic - most reptiles? Are in Sauria. There are so. Many. Reptiles. In fact, today, over 20,000 species of animals are reptiles! Mammals are only 5,513 species, and living amphibians are at 7,302. Among tetrapods, Reptiles are King! Saurians come in two groups: Archelosaurs, and Lepidosauromorphs.
ARCHELOSAURIA
The first division of Saurians is Archelosauria, the group that consists of Turtles, Crocodilians, and Birds, and *all* of their extinct relatives. For a while the position of turtles was uncertain - were they the only surviving Parareptiles? Were they cousins of Lizards? But genetic data has revealed that they go with what we call "Archosaurs" - Ruling Reptiles - the group of crocodilians and birds. How their fossil relatives are or are not a part of that story is where the mess remains. Archelosaurs come in two main flavors: Pantestudines, and Archosauromorphs.
Pantestudines
All living turtles, and everything closer to them than to any other living thing, go in this group. Turtles are truly bizarre animals, because their shells are unique among animals and not repeated by any other group. During development, ribs grow sidewise into a ridge along the back, entering the skin and supporting the carapace, which is made of dermal plates that form a hard shell, that is then covered in scutes made of keratin. The lower ribs, or gastralia, along with the collar bones, extend to form the Plastron, or lower shell. The lower shell flattens out and extends on the sides to connect with the carapace. Scutes also cover this side of the shell. It's just *weird*. Turtles are just *weird*. They originally evolved from aquatic ancestors, such as Odontochelys; though some forms became secondarily terrestrial again, with many lines of the group going back and forth - making this a rare example of a secondarily aquatic tetrapod returning to the land! Turtles laugh in the face of biome preferences.
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Many extinct turtles took on interesting forms, with some having large feet, others having extensive ornamentation - horns and bumps and nodules - on their heads. Some, like Meiolania, grew to extreme sizes. As the turtle group evolved, many returned to the sea, and became the largest ocean-dwelling turtles of all time - animals like the somewhat well known Archelon. Living turtles come in two main groups: side-necked turtles and hidden-necked turtles. They differ exactly how you'd expect - side neck turtles will retract their heads via the side of the body, curling it around the circumference, while hidden-necked turtles curl their neck into the body, pulling the head directly back into the shell. Most turtles - and all tortoises - fall into the hidden-necked group, including sea turtles! Turtles vary in size, limb length, head shape, and tail length, and live on every continent in the world today. In general, turtles are omnivorous, though many species show preferences for plants or meat.
ARCHOSAUROMORPHA
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We now dive into the rest of this side of the reptile family tree, everything closer to crocodilians and birds than they are to turtles - the Archosauromorphs. During the Triassic, this group took on many different and weird forms, making the entire group one of the most diverse groups of reptiles in terms of species count and differences in shape. All of these animals have a few things in common in their skeleton, though modern archosaur features took a while to evolve. Animals such as Sharovipteryx, the long-tailed reptile that used its legs for gliding membranes, the end-Permian survivor Protorosaurus, the *ridiculously* long-necked Tanystropheus, and aquatic Dinocephalosaurus were all early branching members of this group. But as we get closer to Archosaurs proper, we see more and more weirdness.
Allokotosaurs
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Allokotosaurs were weird large herbivores, with sprawling limbs and long tails, as well as short necks and boxy heads. They lived throughout the Triassic and were just bizarre. Some species even had horny beaks in the front of their jaws to help clip off plant material. One species, Teraterpeton, had a long, downward-pointing mouth. Other species had long, thin necks to reach higher vegetation. And, to just round out the craziness that is this group, Shringasaurus falls in here - a weird reptile with a sprawling body, shorter tail, long neck, small head, and horns on its head. Just for funsies. These herbivorous behemoths were some of the most unique animals of the Triassic Period.
Rhynchosaurs
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During the Triassic, there was a group of small, quadrupedal Archosauromorphs that really showcase the fun of convergent evolution. See, these little animals? Were Archosauromorphs doing their best to be rodents, long before rodents would ever appear. These little herbivores had short tails, stout bodies, short limbs, and front teeth that grew long for gnawing on plants - much like living rodents. Some got as long as two meters, and these were a fixture of much of the Triassic, before going extinct during the end-Triassic extinction.
Proterosuchids
Proterosuchids were a group of Archosauriformes - so still Archosauromorphs, but now getting closer to proper Archosaurs - that were a group of predators that really capitalized on the whole End Permian Mass Extinction thing. Found only in the latest Permian and earliest Triassic, these were medium sized reptiles with long tails and stout bodies. Their heads were long and narrow, with a hooked upper jaw interlocking with the lower jaw. They looked superficially like crocodilians, but lacked the scutes that are found in said group.
Erythrosuchids
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The next group to branch off, the Triassic Erythrosuchids were the apex predators of the Early and Middle Triassic, before Pseudosuchians really took over later on. They were extremely large, reaching between 2.5 and 5 meters long, with huge heads and robust bodies. When I say huge heads, I *mean* huge heads - they were robust and deep, and the upper jaw has a distinct dip that goes down lower than the lower jaw, giving their heads a very characteristic shape. They also are some of the first animals to have the Archosaur Hip Shape, so they only had a semi-sprawling posture - their limbs were more nimble!
Euparkeria
Many people have heard of Euparkeria. They even think it's a dinosaur ancestor. Well, it's not, not really. Euparkeria goes around here in the Archosaur tree, closer to living Archosaurs than the Erythrosuchids but not as close as the next group. In truth, Euparkeria is very similar to what we'd expect the common ancestor of both crocodilians and dinosaurs to be like, with fairly upright limbs - though recent studies indicate it was only quadrupedal, not capable of bipedalism. It had a long, rectangular skull, similar to early members of proper Archosauria, and osteoderms (scutes) on its back. This little guy from the Early Triassic gives us a hint as to how Archosaurs came about, with the specialized ankles we'd see in the Archosaur group first showing up in Euparkeria.
Proterochampsia
The closest group to living Archosaurs, Proterochampsians were weirdly crocodilian like, to the point of often being found to be in the crocodile line of Archosaurs! These were Triassic reptiles shaped very much like living crocodilians, with long wide bodies and tails, and very long triangular skulls. They had sprawling limbs, and scutes along their backs and bodies. The heavy osteoderms are well documented in a fully aquatic member, Vancleavea. In fact, on that side of the group, the animals had less of a crocodilian like head and more of small, tempered heads, possibly due to different lifestyles.
Phytosaurs
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Okay, these guys are either actually in the crocodilian line or just outside of Archosauria, it's a huge question. They were also weirdly crocodile like reptiles that lived during the Triassic, but were distinct from the Proterochampsians. Some had long snouts with conical teeth to eat fish, but others had shorter snouts with differently shaped teeth for eating land animals. They had distinctly serrated teeth, unlike living crocodilians, and didn't have erect or even semi erect gaits like living Archosaurs. Though many specialized for life in the water, this was a very diverse group that was doing a lot of the crocodilian-type jobs of later periods, but weren't crocodilians. They didn't have the secondary palate bone that allows crocodilians to breathe when their mouths are full of water! Weirdly, they were way more heavily armored than crocodilians, with heavy bony scutes and dense abdominal ribs (gastralia) for protection. Finally, they had their nostrils near their eyes, rather than at the end of the snout - allowing for them to breathe while submerged without that secondary bony palate.
ARCHOSAURIA
This is the group of the most recent common ancestor of living crocodilians and birds, and all of that ancestor's descendants. So while everything from Archosauromorpha to this have been closer to Archosaurs to anything else, these are the proper Ruling Reptiles as we currently define them. Archosaurs have teeth set in deep sockets, extra openings in the skull, and a pronounced ridge on their femur. They also only have claws on their first three fingers of the hand - the fourth and fifth, if they have them, lack claws. Archosaurs immediately branched into two groups: Crocodilians and their relatives, versus Birds and their relatives. We will start with the Crocodilians.
Pseudosuchia
A lot of early crocodilian relatives were superficially similar to living members, so they were originally given the name "fake crocodiles" or Pseudosuchia. Then, it turns out, that group was just the ancestors of crocodilians - which underwent many different shifts and turns in their evolution - so that means real crocs are... fake crocs. Remember friends, the names we give these things? Are extremely arbitrary. Do not take them for indicators of what these things are like. Early members had very broad, bulky skulls and even somewhat upright gaits, allowing for active predatory lifestyles. Everything from here until Avemetatarsalia are all Psuedosuchians.
Aetosauriformes
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In the Late Triassic, there weren't any armored dinosaurs, but there were Aetosaurs! These animals had extreme armor all over their bodies, with overlapping scutes on their back and often spikes or other armor on their limbs and back. They also had small, triangular heads, built for feasting on a variety of plants! These were extremely common animals, often having weirdly pig-like snouts if you squint, and mostly sprawling limbs. Found worldwide, their armor would have allowed them to be protected from the many varieties of large predator reptile around them, though they still ultimately went extinct during the end-Triassic extinction.
Poposauroids
A group that used to include other animals, this weird hodgepodge of a variety of Triassic Pseudosuchians including sail-backed animals, toothless creatures with beaks, and animals weirdly similar to dinosaurs to the point of being confused with them in the past. All of these crazies had upright limbs, and in the Shuvosaurids, this lead to animals evolving into essentially scaly lithe bipeds, what we used to think dinosaurs looked like! In fact, Effigia and Shuvosaurus both had long necks, beaks in the front of their small mouths, and completely upright postures, making them just straight up look like scaly versions of their dinosaur neighbors like Coelophysis. Alas, the Poposauroids, like many groups, went extinct in the end-Triassic extinction.
Rauisuchians
The top predators of the late Triassic, these were very large terrestrial pseudosuchians, with large boxy heads and upright limbs. This allowed them to move quickly and attack prey efficiently, making them extremely well adapted hypercarnivores. In a lot of ways, Postosuchus and its relatives in this group were convergent with later theropod predatory dinosaurs - even having huge boxy heads like Tyrannosaurs would. This means that what dinosaurs one day perfected, crocodile relatives tried out first! Alas, like most apex predators, they were not immune to mass extinctions, going extinct during the end-Triassic.
Crocodylomorpha
Now, at this point, the line that would lead to living crocodilians - Crocodylomorpha - actually look less like living crocs than the Rauisuchians and Phytosaurs did at the same time! These little reptiles were quadrupedal, thin, and built for running fast - they were lithe creatures built to avoid all of those big scary animals around them. But these were the only Pseudosuchians to survive the end-Triassic! And the first group to branch off here?
Thalattosuchians
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During the Jurassic and earliest Cretaceous, a common feature in the oceans were marine crocs - the Thalattosuchians! Still fairly distantly related to modern crocodilians, these reptiles convergently evolved many of the same adaptations for ocean dwelling as the Sauropterygians we met earlier. Some members, like Metriorhynchus, even evolved flippers and a tail fin! They had elongate bodies and very long, thin skulls for catching fish and other animals. They also gave live birth - possibly the only Archosaurs to ever do so!
Many more croc relatives would evolve into a variety of active terrestrial predatory niches, so we're going to jump down to the next major group:
Ziphosuchians
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Ziphosuchians were a group of croc relatives that actually lived from the Jurassic until the Miocene, as recently as 11 million years ago. These animals were ridiculously diverse in both diet and lifestyle, with a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Some, like Kaprosuchus, straddled the line between aquatic and terrestrial predation; others, like Sebecus, were completely terrestrial and huge predators during the Cenozoic; others had weirdly diverse teeth and thus potentially unique diets; and still others just straight up evolved to eat plants or to be omnivores, even shortening and squishing their skulls to be dubbed by modern researchers as "Pug Crocs". This huge diversity of form and ecology makes Ziphosuchians an intriguing extinct group, one that will benefit from increased research in the future. Some were even built for running around, and others had duck like snouts! This was a very diverse group I recommend learning more about.
Neosuchia
The rest of Pseudosuchia - Neosuchia - are all living crocs and their closest relatives, closer than those Ziphosuchians. Many were very similar to living crocodilians, even filling similar niches, though evolving to do so independently. Some had huge, long jaws, potentially to hold onto a throat pouch for catching large prey during the Cretaceous. Some were slender, marine reptiles, evolving to be aquatic again! The Dyrosaurids were a group of global marine, long-jawed crocs that survived the end-Cretaceous extinction and were some of the only predators in the post-extinction seas other than sharks. They had teeth in deep pits, distinct from other croc relatives. While they never developed flippers like Thalattosuchians, they did adapt their limbs for more efficient marine locomotion.
Crocodylians
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Living Crocodylians, a group of Neosuchians, only first appeared at the end of the Cretaceous, and were not the only surviving Pseudosuchians until relatively recently - many other forms, like the Ziphosuchians and Dyrosaurids, lasted until late in the Neogene, within the last 20 million years. Crocodylians have semi-sprawling limbs, lots of scutes all of their bodies, and even hearts like birds, pointing to their close relationship. They are semiaquatic animals, spending time both on land and in the water, and have their nostrils on the ends of their jaws. They have a sturdy second palate that allows them to hold water in their jaws and breathe at the same time! They also have some of the most powerful bite forces of any animal ever. Some extinct forms even did more terrestrial predation. Living species come in two groups - the Alligatorids, which have both caiman and alligators; and Longirostres, which have proper crocodiles and gharials. While most of them look very similar, Gharials have very long narrow snouts, while crocs caimans and alligators all have broader snouts.
That concludes the Pseudosuchia. Now we go back to the base of Archosauria, and look at the other half of their family - the bird line archosaurs!
Avemetatarsalia
All animals closer to birds than to crocodilians fall into this group. But that doesn't mean they were all shaped like living birds, just like so many Pseudosuchians looked very different from living crocodilians! They were originally characterized by having bird like ankles, though now the earliest members of the group lack them. At some point early on, members of this group evolved both warm-blooded metabolism and feathers, and we're not sure where. The earliest members of the group, Aphanosaurs, were semi sprawling long-bodied reptiles, fairly nondescript in appearance. That said, long was just their thing - their vertebrae are weirdly stretched out!
Pterosaurs
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Also commonly called "pterodactyls" even though that's... wrong; this is the classical group known as Flying Reptiles, and the next group to branch from the Avemetatarsalia tree! Evolving from thin, lithe, agile floofins - things like Scleromochlus and Lagerpetids - these animals extended their fourth finger extremely long, attaching a membrane of skin and muscle to that dramatically lengthened finger and down to the ankles. Early forms had long tails, with later forms shortening the tails to smaller nubbins. These were the FIRST vertebrates to evolve powered flight. Early forms were fairly generic, but over time they diversified extensively - having diamond tail ends, interlocking long thin teeth in their jaws for catching fish; others grew bristle like teeth for filter feeding small invertebrates; some grew huge bodies, with crests and display structures on their heads like Pteranodon. The Azhdarchids, huge forms that had long necks and giant heads, were some of the most successful members of this group, becoming apex predators in many ecosystems - and no wonder, given they were the largest flying animals ever and stood as tall as giraffes. In general, pterosaurs walked on four limbs, folding up their wings at their sides in order to do so. They first appeared in the Triassic, and, alas, went extinct during the end-Cretaceous extinction. This group is so diverse and fascinating that I could go on forever, so I will leave it here - but feel free to dive into their extensive wikipedia pages!
DINOSAURS
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We now move on to Dinosaurs and their closest relatives, the rest of the Avemetatarsalians. We define Dinosauria as the group composed of the two branches of the family - Ornithischians and Saurischians - usually phrased as the Most Recent Common Ancestor of Megalosaurus (a Saurischian) and Iguanodon (an Ornithischian) and all of that ancestor's descendants. Everything from here until the end of our trip through Archosaurs is a dinosaur - including every. single. bird. However, *nothing* outside of these paragraphs are dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are a single group of extremely successful reptiles, unique from all these other reptile groups - and all these other reptile groups are unique from dinosaurs. The main feature dinosaurs have in common? A completely open hip socket, allowing for limbs to be placed directly underneath the body, making dinosaurs very different in locomotion and posture than living nonavian reptiles, and very similar to their living members the birds. Early relatives showcase this evolution from semi-sprawling archosaurs to fully upright dinosaurs. Dinosaurs first appeared in the middle Triassic, though they weren't common until the Late. All the early forms were pretty much the same - small, bipedal animals, with long necks and tails, and fluffy bodies.
Ornithischians
The first main group of dinosaurs are the Ornithischians, which are united in having a small beak in the front of the jaws, called a predentary. It is possible that Silesaurids, once thought to be early Dinosaur relatives - quadrupedal lanky herbivores from the Triassic - fall in this group. All Ornithischians were primarily herbivores. Most of them were small, bipedal herbivores, but four main groups showed up over time: Stegosaurs, Ankylosaurs, Marginocephalians, and Ornithopods. Among the miscellaneous dinosaurs outside of those four groups, however, were interesting weirdos - the toothy and small Heterodontosaurs; the burrowing and armored Thescelosaurs; and, of course, the fluffy Kulindadromeus.
Stegosaurs
Stegosaurs were huge, quadrupedal herbivores with plates and spikes on their backs, necks, and tails. The plates were primarily for display and communication, while the spikes were for both display and self defense. They had very small heads, too, giving them a weird appearance. Alas, Stegosaurs lived mainly in the Jurassic, going extinct in the early Cretaceous... probably. Jury's still out based on some fragmentary fossils and tracks.
Ankylosaurs
Ankylosaurs, cousins of Stegosaurs, lived through to the end of the Cretaceous. They were heavily armored dinosaurs, with non-overlapping osteoderm scutes all over their backs and necks and heads. Many had spikes on the sides of their bodies, while other forms grew strengthened tails with clubs at the end for fighting each other. Still others grew weird sharp tail ends, formed from scutes creating a flat surface at the end of a stubby tail. They were not just like turtles, with the scutes evolving from scales rather than a shell evolving from the ribs. In fact, often times the scutes formed distinct rows along the body, not even really touching. There were tons of these dinosaurs throughout the Jurassic and Cretaceous, only going extinct in the end-Cretaceous extinction.
Marginocephalians
Marginocephalians included both Pachycephalosaurs - the dome-headed dinosaurs - and Ceratopsians, the horned and frilled dinosaurs. Pachycephalosaurs were bipedal animals, with huge domed heads and extremely strengthened tails - allowing them to butt heads and fight each other much like rams today. Ceratopsians had frills on the back of their heads - though in early forms it was very small, like Psittacosaurus - that evolved into large crests for display. Many grew horns on the side of these crests, while others grew huge horns on their faces in a variety of patterns. These horns were great for defense, but primarily served for communication and display, because some - like the curved downward horn of Einiosaurus - weren't really built for defense. Pachycephalosaurs were rare, but Ceratopsians were some of the most common dinosaurs around the world, with both groups only going extinct in the end-Cretaceous extinction.
Ornithopods
Finally, Ornithopods! Ornithopods were cousins of Marginocephalians, much as Ankylosaurs and Stegosaurs were more closely related to each other earlier. Some forms from the southern hemisphere (known as Elasmarians) were weirdly diverse, with lots of different forms from stocky and armored to small and lithe. Rhabdodonts had ridiculously complex teeth for efficient foraging, with some forms being more quadrupedal and others more bipedal. Some of the Ornithopods, Dryosaurids, evolved into extremely fast reptiles, adapted for running quickly away from predators with elongate, lean bodies. The second dinosaur ever described, Iguanodon, is from the Ornithopod group, with huge spike claws on their thumbs. Others, like Ouranosaurus, grew huge sails on their backs. While in the Jurassic and Early Cretaceous these animals were well adapted for feeding on dry hard plants, as the world grew more wet in the Late Cretaceous, they adapted to be able to chew on soft mushy plants. This huge group of Ornithopods - the Hadrosaurs- were extremely social animals, living in large herds with complex nesting sites. Some forms even grew huge crests on their heads, connected to their nostrils and lungs - allowing them to blow air through the crests, creating different sounds like brass instruments! What's really weird is that to chew that soft plant material, they grew thousands and thousands of teeth, which formed a single serrated surface for chewing. They also had weirdly long heads, superficially similar to horses; and hooves on their front feet! These diverse dinosaurs also only went extinct due to the end-Cretaceous extinction.
Saurischians
The other branch of the dinosaur family tree were the Saurischians - animals with hollow bones and lungs much like living birds, and it is from this group that birds would evolve. They come in two main flavors: Sauropodomorphs, and Theropods.
Sauropodomorphs
This is where all of the "long-necked" dinosaurs go, as well as their early relatives. In the Triassic, most of these animals were "prosauropods" - an artificial group of dinosaurs that were very successful, and from which proper Sauropods would evolve. Originally small bipedal omnivores, over time Sauropodomorphs grew longer necks, quadrupedal stances, and bulky bodies. The earliest Sauropods appeared in the Triassic, with four pillar like legs and huge torsos. Over time, a variety of different Sauropod groups would evolve. The Mamenchisaurs of Asia had the longest necks of any animal ever - reaching enormous sizes. The stocky Turiasaurs of Europe, North America, and Africa had short stocky necks and sturdy bodies. Diplodocoids included classic dinosaurs such as Apatosaurus/Brontosaurus and Diplodocus, but also weird squished forms like Brachytrachelopan, sailed ones like Rebbachisaurus, super grazers like Nigersaurus, and the weird spine-neck having Bajadasaurus. However, most sauropods fall into the group Macronaria. These were bulky dinosaurs, but evolved into some of the tallest animals ever in Brachiosaurus and Sauroposeidon. And, from this group evolved the Titanosaurs: The Largest Land Animals Ever. These were the dominant sauropods for the Cretaceous period, and were found on every continent around the world. Some grew to enormous sizes, while others were smaller; some grew armor on their backs, while others weirdly curled their tails into a spiral. Some had humps on their backs, others lost all their toe claws for maximum front limb pillar supportive action. While all other Sauropod groups had gone extinct by this point, Titanosaurs were extremely diverse and common right until the end-Cretaceous extinction.
Theropods
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All remaining dinosaurs fall into this group, the Theropods. These were all bipedal animals, and where feathers were regularly retained (other dinosaur groups usually lost their feathers as they grew bigger). Early members, like Coelophysis, had long thin necks and small heads, and were efficient fast predators in the Triassic - though not the dominant ones by any means (that went to the Pseudosuchians). Over time they grew bulkier and more powerful, with display crests on their heads like in Dilophosaurus (note: it did not have a neck frill, it did not spit poison).
Ceratosaurs
The first big grouping of Theropods to diverge were the Ceratosaurs, which were bulky predators with huge skulls and progressively smaller arms. Many had horns on their heads and armor on their bodies. Some forms remained small and thin, like Masiakasaurus, and even evolved herbivory, like Limusaurus. Others, the Abelisaurs, evolved very long thick bodies - sosig/sausage bodies - and teeny tiny arms for display purposes. They primarily caught and ate other animals with their huge, sturdy, square shaped jaws.
Megalosaurs & Allosauroids
On the line leading to birds, many different types of large predators evolved. Megalosaurs - of which the first named dinosaur, Megalosaurus, is a member - were lean predators with long arms and long heads, found across Europe and North America. One group, the Spinosaurids, evolved to be huge heron like predators, living at or near the water and scooping up fish and other animals - even creating pouches in their mouths to do so. Some evolved huge sails on their backs, presumably for display. Efficient, flexible jawed hypercarnivores - the Allosauroids - appeared in the Jurassic and were some of the largest predatory dinosaurs to ever live, lasting until the mid Cretaceous.
Coelurosaurs
Coelurosaurs contains all the rest of the Theropods, and these were very birdlike animals with more complex feathers and brains more similar to birds. Here we had Megaraptors, huge predators with giant hand claws. They were also very unique in another way. Outside of mammals, terapods are not able to turn their wrists inward, ie, form "bunny hands", rendering the "T. rex" pose that many people do to mimic dinosaurs extremely inaccurate, and all the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park et al have very broken wrists. However, Megaraptors? Could turn their wrists inward. So, I guess everyone was just mimicking Australovenator this whole time, or something.
Tyrannosaurs
Tyrannosaurs were a huge group of Coelurosaurs with a variety of different members - some were small fast bipeds covered in floof with display crests on their heads; while others were bulky predators evolving bigger and bigger heads. The bulkiest known land predator, Tyrannosaurus, was one of the last members of this group. Tyrannosaurs evolved shorter and shorter arms in order to grow stronger, bigger heads - and were some of the most highly adapted carnivores in history. They lived throughout the Northern Hemisphere, and only went extinct thanks to the end-Cretaceous extinction.
Maniraptoriformes
Many different types of small, bipedal floofins evolved in Coelurosaurs - things like Compsognathus, Sinosauropteryx, and Ornitholestes. These animals progressively evolved more feathers on their arms, until finally in Maniraptoriformes we see the appearance of bird-like wings. The "Ostrich Mimics" - even though they came first - Ornithomimosaurs were dinosaurs that essentially looked like modern ostriches but with long, bony tails. These fluffy dinosaurs had simple wings on their arms for display. Some members grew huge and weird - Deinocheirus, the Demon Duck, was a huge herbivore with giant arms and a hump on its back. Evolution is amazing like that. The Alvarezsaurs remained small, and their front limbs shortened until they had a single claw on each wing - allowing them to dig up bugs and other animals from hard to reach places. Therzinosaurs grew to be upright in posture, with huge hand claws and pot bellies, allowing them to digest huge quantities of plants.
Oviraptorosaurs
The Chickenparrots - Oviraptorosaurs - were herbivorous dinosaurs with near-modern wings. They had shortened tails, and long necks, and squat bodies. They lived throughout the Cretaceous and were extremely common. Some members had huge crests on their heads; most of the later members had huge, parrot-like beaks as well. Honestly, Oviraptorosaurs were very weird and charismatic dinosaurs, and mainly ate an omnivorous to herbivorous diet.
Scansoriopterygids
At this point, one of the weirdest dinosaur groups - the Scansoriopterygids - diverged. They didn't live for very long, only found in the Jurassic of China; but they evolved membraneous wings between their fingers, making them - essentially - actual (small) wyverns.
Dromaeosaurs
Dromaeosaurs - "raptor" dinosaurs - are where we see the first signs of flight in dinosaurs, with Microraptor having wings on its arms and legs allowing for a clumsy version of flight. Most members couldn't fly, but they came in a lot of weird shapes and sizes - with some even being semi aquatic and shaped like geese! They had sickle claws on their feet, which were good for stabbing strategically at certain places in their prey, leading to the prey bleeding out. They would hold their prey steady by rapidly flapping their wings, which they could also do to move quickly up steep surfaces. These predators ranged in size from very small to bear sized, though Velociraptor - the most famous one - was only the size of a coyote. All of them - ALL of them - were feathered like living birds.
Troodontids and early Avialae
Their cousins, the Troodontids - which may or may not be closer to birds, we don't know - were also very bird like, but more slender in proportion and with smaller sickle claws. Interestingly, they had some of the largest brains for their bodies among Mesozoic ("nonavian") dinosaurs. Other forms similar to them - may or may not be in a group with them - called Anchisaurids, still retained the leg wings of Microraptor and co. Many of these animals have been preserved with complex, fluffy feathers, similar to living birds. Still similar yet, Archaeopteryx didn't have four wings, but did have fluffy legs and sickle claws on its feet similar to Troodontids and Anchisaurids. One dinosaur, Jeholornis, evolved to eat seeds; while another, Sapeornis, was one of the first dinosaurs to try out a lifestyle similar to living birds of prey.
Enantiornithines
At this point, dinosaurs lost their bony tails and grew shortened, fused tails - the tails of modern birds. They tried out lots of different forms with this - dinosaurs with ribbon tail feathers like Confuciusornis, and then the Opposite Birds, or Enantiornithines. See, living birds have a concave joint location on the coracoid (shoulder bone) and a convex joint on the scapula to link to it; in Enantiornithines, the concave joint is the scapula, and the convex is the coracoid. Enantiornithines were extremely common, with countless forms across the Cretaceous period - some were waders, others were like birds of prey, some even adapted to look like toucans with teeth. Still, all of them went extinct at the end of the Cretaceous.
Euornithes
The line to true birds, with the correct wing articulation, wasn't quite as diverse, but had many members. Many of these animals were adapted for water based life, while others evolved to be large flightless animals. Others were simple tree dwelling birds, living alongside the similar looking Enantiornithines. The closer you get to living birds, the more teeth were lost - and the modern bird beak began to evolve. Still, teeth are found in the closest relatives to modern birds, Ichthyornis and the Hesperornithes. Hesperornithes were a group of Cretaceous dinosaurs that evolved for aquatic life, spending all their time in the water hunting fish - kind of looking like a toothy penguin or loon.
NEORNITHES
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All remaining dinosaurs fall into Neornithes, the least inclusive group that still has all living birds, a derived clade of the Theropods. These were the only dinosaurs to survive the end-Cretaceous extinction. You can literally divide dinosaurs based on that extinction - everyting above this, from the Mesozoic; everything below this, from the Cenozoic. Today, half of all reptiles - over 10,000 species, possibly up to 20,000 - are birds. There is no way for me to go over all birds without losing my mind, so I'm going to summarize them as simply as I can. But these dinosaurs are, as you can see, firmly nested in the dinosaur family tree - there is no way to separate them out. What follows is the world's most efficient description of bird diversity ever.
Palaeognaths
The first major division is between Palaeognaths and Neognaths. Palaeognaths include ratites like Ostriches, Cassowaries, and Emu, but also the flighted Tinamou. It seems that this group evolved flightlessness multiple times, and did not all stem from a flighted ancestor - an extinct group, the Lithornithids, were fully flighted, tree dwelling dinosaurs of the Paleocene and Eocene (right after the end-Cretaceous extinction). Neognaths contains all other birds.
Galloanserans
Neognaths contains Fowl - chickens, ducks, and relatives - and all other birds. The fowl group, Galloanserae, has some of the only Neornithines we have fossils of from the Cretaceous. These animals come in a wide variety of forms - including the extinct, large, flightless Gastornis and Mihirungs. Ducks, Geese, Swans, Screamers, and Magpie-Geese all fall into the Waterfowl side of Galloanserae; while Chickens, Pheasants, Megapodes, Partridges, Grouse, Curassow, Guineafowl, Quail, Guans, and Chachalacas are on the Landfowl side.
One group of birds, the extinct pseudotoothed Pelagornithids, resist classification - it's unclear where they go, but they might actually be closely related to the fowl. These were some of the largest flying birds ever, and had eldritch horror mouths. Birds can't reevolve teeth - they lost the genes for enamel - so instead, some make their tongues sharp, while Pelagornithids just decided to eff up their jaws.
Neoaves
Now, the rest of birds are in Neoaves, which seems to have arisen at the very end of the Cretaceous and diversified extremely rapidly at the start of the Paleocene. This means their evolutionary relationships are a MESS and we don't really know what goes where between here and Telluraves. Different groups of these miscellaneous Neoavians include Mirandornithes (flamingos, grebes, and the extinct giant swimming flamingos), Columbimorphs (pigeons, mesites, and sandgrouse), Otidimorphs (bustards, cuckoos, and maybe turacos), Strisores (hummingbirds, swifts, potoo, frogmouth, nightbirds - the flying specialist clade), Gruiformes (cranes and rails), Charadriiformes (waders, gulls, and auks), Eurypygimorphs (Sunbittern, Kagu, and Tropicbirds), and Aequornithes (water birds). Aequornithes is an extremely diverse group, including loons, penguins, albatross, petrels, storks, boobies, cormorants, herons, ibises, shoebill, hamerkop, and pelicans - as well as an extinct group, the Plotopterids, which were boobies doing their best penguin impression! There's also the Hoatzin, which is a mysterious bird among these mysteriously related birds, that doesn't really go with anything - but man, does it smell.
Telluraves
The rest of birds fall into Telluraves, known as the tree dwelling birds, which evolved from a predatory common ancestor. These include the Accipitrimorphs, which fall into Cathartiformes - Western Hemisphere Vultures, including the Teratorns that went extinct recently - and Accipitriformes, which includes all hawks, eagles, buzzards, Eastern Hemisphere vultures, the Secretarybird, kites, and other diurnal birds of prey that aren't falcons or seriemas. Owls, aka nocturnal birds of prey, form another group in this clade, with many weird extinct forms - including the stilt-owls. Coraciimorphs are a major group of Telluraves, which includes mouse birds, cuckoo roller, trogons, quetzals, hornbills, kingfishers, hoopoe, and woodpeckers - this extremely diverse group of tree dwellers is found worldwide and includes so many weird animals (have y'all seen how the tongue works in woodpeckers? Yeah).
Australaves
Australaves is the last remaining clade, still within Telluraves, and its a group of birds that arose in Australasia. The first group to diverge were the Seriemas and their relatives, which includes all the Terror Birds - one of the most successful predator bird lineages ever, with tons of species that carried on the theropod legacy excellently in South America and then North America, only going extinct due to the ice age. Next to diverge are the falcons and caracacaras, which are very different and separated from the other diurnal birds of prey we discussed above - and also, very cute. Next up? Parrots! Finally! Parrots includes everything from the Kakapo to the Macaw, and had a lot of huge varieties over their evolution.
Passeriformes
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Sister to Parrots, our last bird group, within Australaves, and including HALF of all bird species, are the Passerines - Perching Birds. Literally, there are more species of Passerines - just one group of birds - than there are of all mammals. I'm going to list them now as simply as I can, but just know, there are so many of these, and they are very diverse and very colorful and very weird and they include the second smartest animal on earth after people, the members of the genus Corvus. So, Perching Birds include New Zealand Wrens, Asities, Broadbills, Sapayoa, Pittas, Crescentchests, Gnateaters and Gnatpittas, Antbirds, Antpittas, Tapaculos, Antthrushes, Ovenbirds, Woodcreepers, Manakins, Cotingas (including the Cock of the Rock), Tityras, Tyrant Flycatchers, Scrub-Birds, Lyrebirds, Australian treecreepers, Bowerbirds, Fairywrens, Emu-wrens, Grasswrens, Bristlebirds, Pardalotes, Scrubwrens, Thornbills, Gerygones, Honeyeaters, Pseudo-babblers, Logrunners, Jewel-Babblers, Quail-Thrushes, Cuckooshrikes, Trillers, Whiteheads, Sittellas, Whipbirds, Wattled Ploughbill, Shirketits, Australo-Papuan Bellbirds, Painted Berrypeckers, Vireos, Whistlers, Oriols, Figbirds, Boatbills, Woodswallows, Butcherbirds, Currawongs, Australian Magpie, Berryhunters, Shrikes, Boubous, Tchagras, Bristleheads, Ioras, Wattle-eyes, Batises, Vangas, Fantails, Drongos, Flycatchers, Ifrits, Birds of Paradise, Choughs, Apostlebirds, Melampittas, Jayshrikes, Crows, Ravens, Jays, Satinbirds, Berrypeckers, New Zealand Wattlebirds, Longbills, Stitchbirds, Australian Robins, Rail Babblers, Rockfowl, Rock jumpers, Hyliotas, Fairy Flycatchers, Tits, chickadees, Titmice, Reedlings, Larks, Nicators, Warblers, Crombecs, Cisticolas, Reed Warblers, Grassbirds, Donacobius, Malagasy Warblers, Wren-Babblers, Swallows, Martins, Bulbuls, Babblers, Parrotbills, White-eyes, Laughinthrushes, Fulvettas, Leaf-warblers, Hylias, Bushtits, Scrub Warblers, Bush Warblers, Yellow FLycatchers, Palmchats, Waxwings, Silky Flycatchers, Hylocitrea, Hypocolius, Hawaiian Honeyeaters, Elachura, Dippers, Chats, Thrushes, Oxpeckers, Starlings, Rhabdorns, Mockingbirds, Thrashers, Goldcrests, Kinglets, Wallcreeper, Nuthatches, Treecreepers, Gnatcatchers, Wrens, Sugarbirds, Dapple-Throat, Sunbirds, Flowerpeckers, Leafbirds, Fairy-Bluebirds, Olive Warbler, Przewalski's Finch, Weavers, Indigobirds, Whydahs, Waxbills, Munias, Accentors, Sparrows, Snowfinches, Wagtails, Pipits, Finches, Euphonias, Thrush-Tanagers, Longspurs, Buntings, Cardinals, Mitrospingid Tanagers, regular Tanagers, Yellow Breasted Chat, Grackles, Blackbirds, Orioles, Wrentthrush, a bunch of weird warblers, spindalises, and Hispaniolan Tanagers.
Why the fuck are passerines so diverse, you ask? Apparently their genetic makeup leads to speciation at the drop of a hat. It's wild.
And that, my friends, is all dinosaurs. Everything from the Dinosaur header to now.
Let's go back to the base of Sauria! Take it back now y'all!
LEPIDOSAUROMORPHA
Finally, the other half of the Saurian tree! Lepidosauromorphs, unlike Archosaurs, kept a fully sprawling gait, but had a sliding joint in the shoulder blade chest area to allow for longer strides while moving, and pleurodont teeth - teeth fused to the inner surface of the jaw bone. They also retain the Parietal Eye - a small "third eye" on the top of the head found in earlier reptiles and amphibians - which is not found in Archosaurs or Turtles. Thus, these are extremely unique reptiles - though they superficially look similar to many of the reptile groups we've covered, they have adaptations for more efficient feeding and locomotion. In addition, many Lepidosaurs - including Tuatara and many forms of lizard - have tail autonomy, meaning, they can shed their tail and regrow it in order to elude predators, a feature not found in Archosaurs. This group is the group of Lizards, Snakes, and Tuatara, and all of their extinct relatives - things closer to them than to the Archosaur side of the tree.
Kuehneosaurids
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Unlike Archosaurs, Lepidosaurs don't have a lot of varied and diverse extinct relatives - while Archosauromorpha is filled to the brim with weirdos, Lepidosauromorphs only have a few isolated forms showing the evolution to Lepidosaurs, and possibly the Kuehneosaurids. Kuehneosaurids were another experiment in reptilian gliding via rib extinctions, living entirely in the Triassic and completley separate from the Weigeltisaurids from earlier. They were insectivores, with pin like teeth, and very small heads. Some members were capable of gliding, while others were only really good at leaping from branch to branch.
Crown Lepidosaurs are made up of two groups: Rhynchocephalians (Tuatara) and Squamates (lizards and snakes).
Rhynchocephalia
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Today, there is only one: the Tuatara. In the past, they were everywhere, extremely common reptiles found around the world, especially in the Triassic and Jurassic. Compeletely separate from lizards, these reptiles had fused skull bones into a bar across the top of each side of the head, and unique teeth for digesting a wide variety of food. While the only living member looks superficially like lizards, extinct species took many forms - including one that had very small legs and a very elongate body for simming through the water (Pleurosaurus). Sapheosaurids had huge broad tooth plates, allowing them to eat hard shelled organisms. Today, the living Tuatara doesn't replace its teeth during its life, leading to a changing diet from childhoood to adulthood, switching from hard prey to softer prey as they age. Today, they are only found in Aotearoa.
Squamates
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All remaining reptiles - including just as many species as birds - are the Squamates, otherwise known as lizards and snakes. Squamates aren't just generic reptiles, but highly specialized animals with very unique adaptations. They have horny scales all over their body that have to be shed via moulting, and are very differently formed than the scales found in Archelosaurs. They have movable bones in the quadrate, allowing the upper jaw to move independently. In addition, viviparity - giving birth to live young rather than eggs - evolved multiple times in Squamates, across a variety of members. And they varied extensively in size, with extremely small members less than an inch long, to huge marine members that are long extinct.
The first group to diverge are the Dibamids, or Blind Skinks, which are small insectivorous lizards that burrow into the soil. They also lack limbs, but will not be the last lizards to lose their limbs.
Gekkotans
Next up are the Gekkos - small, mainly carnivorous lizards found everywhere but Antarctica. They have a variety of clicking and chirping sounds, unique among lizards, and have loud mating calls. They are usually nocturnal, and many have specialized toe pads, allowing them to grab and climb on smooth and vertical surfaces. There are over a thousand species of Gekkos alone.
Scincomorphs
Next are the Skinks and their close relatives, the Scincomorphs. This has a lot of different forms, including many extinct ones. These lizards have cone shaped heads with very large and symmetrical scales, forming kind of a shield over their bodies. These scales are smooth and glossy. They have dermal armor, as well, and long tapering tails. There are over a thousand species, and many are found in the desertws of Australia and temperate areas of North America. Girdled Lizards, Spinytail Lizards, and Night Lizards all fall into this group along with Skinks.
Lacertoidea
Up next are the Lacertoids, a big group of diverse lizards united by having tile-like scales on their bodies, which form characteristic rings in Amphisbaenians. Members include the Amphisbaenians - aka worm lizards, yet another lizard group that lost their legs - as well as the Wall Lizards (Lacertids), Largescale Lizards (Alopoglossids), Spectacled Lizards (Gymnophthalmids), Whiptails, Racerunners, and Tegus (Teiids). This group also has over a thousand species with a variety of ecologies - and some members even are capable of parthenogenesis! Most Lacertoids are small or medium sized, though Tegus get quite big. They are slender lizards, with long tails, and a wide vareity of colors.
Toxicofera
All remaining squamates - literally all - fall into a single group, the Toxicoferans. As the name suggests, these reptiles have in common the presence of venemous members - species that produce venom and are able to deliver it to prey via biting. In fact, venom seems to have only evolved the once in reptiles: in th ancestor of this group, Toxicofera (see why a venomous Dilophosaurus, a dinosaur very far removed from this group, was ridiculous?). Containing half to sixty percent of all Squamates, Toxicoferans are to Squamates as Passerines are to Birds. There's just SO many of them. We used to not know about this group, because they don't have morphological similarities other than the venom - but thanks to genetic studies, we have been able to recover it with genomic phylogenetics. Evolution sure is fun! They first appeared in the Late Triassic, meaning all these other lizard groups diverged rapidly during that period. Toxicoferans have two main groups: Iguanians with Anguimorphs, and Snakes.
Anguimorphs
Anguimorphs include a lot of different varied lizards, such as beaded lizards, Gila Monster, Knob-Scaled Lizards, Galliwasps, American Legless Lizards, Glass Lizards, Alligator Lizards, Crocodile Lizards, and Monitor Lizards. As such, it includes the largest living lizard species, the Komodo Dragon! These reptiles can have limbs or be limbless, can have long tails or short tails, can give birth to live young, feed on insects, be hypercarnivores, be semiaquatic, or even have well developed limbs for climbing. There were also many extinct forms of this group, which were venomous and often very dangerous predators in their Mesozoic environments.
Polyglyphanodontians
A completely extinct group of lizards, these reptiles were relatives of Iguanians and were the dominant type of lizard across North America and Asia during the Cretaceous and earliest Paleogene. Many had large, blunt teeth for crushing food; others were specialized herbivores with iguana like teeth; and yet others had blade like teeth for shearing plants. Most went extinct at the end-Cretaceous, with only one form surviving into the Cenozoic and going extinct in the Eocene.
Iguanians
Iguanians, the remainder of the non-snake lizards, includes two thousand species of Iguanas, Chameleons, Anoles, Phrynosomatids, Agamids, and more - such as Collared Lizards, Leopard Lizards, Helmet Lizards, Curly-Tailed Lizards, Spiny Lizards, Swift Lizards, and Tree Lizards. Most are arboreal, but many are terrestrial. They have non-prehensile tongues, which are extremely unique and modified in Chameleons. Most are found in the Western Hemisphere, though many are found on islands around the world.
Mosasaurs
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A group of large marine lizards, closely related to snakes (which we will visit next), these huge predators were a fixture of the Late Cretaceous seas, before going extinct during the end-Cretaceous extinction. These reptiles over time turned their legs into flippers, and developed fins on their tails, completely adapting for aquatic life. They had bodies similar to living monitor lizards, but elongated and streamlined for swimming. They would swim through the water with strong tail propulsions, similar to sharks and ichthyosaurs. They probably would rapidly pounce on prey, swimming extremely fast to catch them by surprise. Many were adapted for eating on shelly hard prey, while others were more adapted for feeding on fish and other vertebrates (such as other marine reptiles). They had double hinged jaws and flexible skulls allowing them to swallow huge prey whole. They gave birth to live young, and had a lot of similar adaptations for marine life to living cetaceans - kind of making them the lizard version of whales, especially given they were warm blooded. They had diamond shaped scales over their body, similar to their living relatives, the snakes.
Ophidians
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Snakes and their relatives, Ophidians, are our last group of Squamates. Firmly nested in the group, more closely related to some lizards (Iguanians and Anguimorphs) than to others, this makes snakes - by every definition - a kind of lizard. This bothers a lot of people, but there's no way around it: Snakes are highly adapted lizards. They had many extinct relatives, where all living snakes are in the group Serpentes. Early relatives, such as Lapparentophiids and Simoliophiids, show the evolution of snakes from their lizard ancestors. Some indicators show that snakes may have originally been marine - which explains the whole "Mosasaurs are closest to snakes" thing, at least somewhat. Some early fossils even showcase the reduction of the limbs, which would be lost entirely in proper snakes. However, most researchers think snakes certainly started out as burrowers, with an early relative Najash in the Cretaceous being a terrestrial burrowing animal and the even earlier Tetrapodophis also showing adpatations for burrowing life. Snakes first arose in the Cretaceous, and exploded in diversity during the Cenozoic. The puzzle of snake and mosasaur evolution is one that many scientists are actively working to solve - did snakes start as burrowers, or swimmers?
Madtsoiids
One group of snakes, the Madtsoiids, evolved in the Late Cretaceous and persisted up until the Pleistocene - so very recently - in Australia. Including some of the longest snakes known, they were either just outside the group of living snakes or the first group of them to split out (or maybe they aren't a natural group, but this post is already too long so I'll leave that there). They didn't have the highly mobile jaws of living snakes, so they couldn't swallow large prey, but they did have strong trunks to allow them to squeeze their prey like living boids. If this is a natural group, they only went extinct probably due to the climate change of the Pleistocene, or maybe due to human activity.
Scolecophidians
The nexzt group to diverge are blind and thread snakes, which definitely bolsters the burrowing idea, as many of these snakes have extremely reduced eyes and spend their lives burrowing in the ground. These snakes only use one lung and one oviduct, presumably to make themselves more streamlined and efficient for burrowing life. They do sometimes come up after rain, which is usually the only time you can see them - they do this to escape flooding in their burrows. These are small snakes, found across the world.
Amerophidians
Amerophidians, which is a very small group of unique snakes, includes the American Pipe Snake, Dwarf Boas, and Thunder Snakes. Most members of this group aren't venemous. They have very striking color patterns and are found in South and Central America. Some species are arboreal, while others mainly spend their time burrowing underground. The American Pipe Snake especially eats a very wide variety of other animals, including Caecilians, Amphisbaenids, other snakes, fish, and frogs.
Uropeltoids
This next group of snakes includes shield tailed snakes, earth snakes, pipe and cylinder snakes, and dwarf pipe snakes. These snakes are also burrowers, ranging across South and Southeast Asia. They are nonvenemous, and have distinctive patterns on their bodies. These are some of the most enigmatic snakes, with many poorly understood by researchers. They eat a variety of food, including small invertebrates as well as other snakes and vertebrates.
Pythonoids
Pythons and snakes closer to pythons than to Boas or Caenophidians are what we find in this group, though it's unclear how they're related to those two other groups (the three of them together make up most snakes). Pythons are nonvenomous snakes, suffocating their prey to kill it, and are found across Africa Asia and Australia (with invasive forms in Florida thanks to pet release and one species just native to Mexico). They are ambush predators, hiding to strike prey by surprise. Many forms have very iridescent scales, and some species do burrow and spend most of their time underground before coming up to hunt for frogs and small mammals. They reproduce with eggs.
Booids
Boas, anacondas, tree boas, and their relatives fall into this group, which are extremely common snakes in the Americas and also found in other continents around thew orld. They also, interestingly, have vestigial hindlimbs, that are spurs near the vent region. They, like pythons, kill their prey with Constriction, but can eat prey up to the size of tapirs - even swallowing prey whole, taking weeks to fully digest. They don't crush their prey to death, but rather kill them with suffocation. Unlike pythons, most booids give birth to live young.
Caenophidians
This is our last reptile group, and it includes 80% of all living snake species - basically every snake not previously mentioned. As such, this includes file snakes, racer snakes, odd-scaled snakes, snail-eaters, vipers, water snakes, mudsnakes, cobras, coral snakes, sea snakes, mole snakes, sand snakes, shovel-snouts, burrowing asps, stiletto snakes, hognose snakes, ratsnakes, and so many more. Venemous snakes - like vipers and cobras, including rattlesnakes - are in this group, but not all members are venemous. These snakes are found all around the world, and feed on a wide variety of prey items, including other snakes and lizards.
And those are the reptiles. So many weird extinct forms, so many diverse living ones, the age of reptiles did not end with the Mesozoic - instead, it adapted into the wonderful forms we see today.
I hope you enjoyed this, as long as it was, and thanks for reading!
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stupidwarriorkitties · 4 months
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Daniel Mullinverse Dashboard Simulator
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🎮 lionelsnill follow
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Walk WIP! Usually I don't share these for free but I've decided this would be a great way to give the game some publicity and promote my kofi
🐹 weazelkid01 HELLO?? WAS NOBODY GOING TO TELL ME THE CREATOR OF SUPER FUCKING WEASEL KID WAS ON TUMBLR??
#rb #HOLYSHIT??? #super weasel kid
(123 notes)
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🌵 ilovecowboys unpopular opinon, rust from waste world is a gilf
🌵 ilovecowboys
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🐱truekeytohappiness
I cannot believe you OP, rust is a fucking DILF not a gilf. get your fucking facts together
🌵 ilovecowboys
oh fuck you're right im sorry. rust from waste world is a dilf.
#ww rust #waste world
(200 notes)
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🃏 luckycarder
hey guys, sorry to have a serious video out of the blue but some important stuff has popped up. i'll keep this post pinned for a while since it's a big issue rn
youtube
#important #lucky card posts
(320 notes)
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🔼 gamefuna-offical follow sponsored
merry christmas from gamefuna headquarters! as a little gift super weasel kid 09 deluxe is going on sale til january! #gamefuna #merry christmas (2 notes)
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🎣 carla51
merry christmas guys, remember to boycott gamefuna because they fucking suck and so do their games.
#carla goes fishing
(5,200 notes)
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🎩 thedarkclown follow
:) #i see you (666 notes)
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💎 orbofpoweryum
#vallimar speaks #secrets of legendaria (170 notes)
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🎣 carla51
i saw the secrets of legendaria poll and HOLY SHIT THANK YOU for saying all that nice stuff about the fishing bit it genuinly means the world to me people found that and enjoyed it anyways im gonna go cry now :') #carla goes fishing (61 notes)
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🐹 weazelkid01 happy birthday super weasel kid! :D #super weasel kid #swk #super weasel kid: radical road (20 notes)
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⬛ bandito7
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(70,000 notes)
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🔼 gamefuna-offical follow sponsored we are sad to inform everyone that inscryption, a game that many have been talking about is not real. it's simply a rumor that some very rude people made up. if you have come across any sort of content of gamefuna without it being sold, please not that (read more) (10 notes)
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📺 t0theweb follow
HII HII HELLO!! IM NEW TO THE WEB AND IM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE AAAAAAAA YAY!!!!!!!! #FUCK YES YEAH WOO (0 notes)
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🎣 carla51
taking a break from tumblr, alot has happened in the last few days and i need some time to process it. i'll hopefully be back in a week or two, sorry. #carla goes fishing #important (30 notes)
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🃏 luckycarder
gonna start a gameplay series soon! i know most people probably only follow me for card stuff but found this neat little game in the woods and i wanna check it out, i'll upload the first video soon! (120 notes)
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gammija · 1 year
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[CECIL]: "So, as we move into the final hours of the competition, vote! Whether it's for your favorite, local, Night Vale community radio host or some... pile of bones, don't let your voice go unheard.
Also... Well, this might be a little bit outside the rules, but you could even make a second account to show a little more support for whoever you think should win. You probably won't get caught. As City Council declared in a recent press release, "Voter fraud doesn't exist."
"There is no such thing as voter fraud," City Council said last Wednesday, their many mouths moving as one. "No one can vote more than once. We certainly can't. Ha, ha." Some of their feet shuffled. "We definitely did NOT commit voter fraud by using the recently developed cloning technology to make copies of ourselves, force them to vote for us, then bus them into the Whispering Forest where we threw them out. That. Never. Happened," they added emphatically.
Immediately after the press conference they disbanded the City Council's, 'Night Vale committee for Fair Elections', by eating them."
[A door creaks.]
[CECIL]: "Listeners, someone has just entered my studio.
Uhm, excuse me! You're not allowed to be in here!
It looks like it's a small man, with a smoothly bald head, and dark empty eyes...
Oh no. They're sockets. This must be him, this 'Snas' the skeleton. He's coming to defend his title...
Listeners, as I prepare myself for what will surely be a fight to the death, seeing who takes who out first, I take you... To the weather."
[CECIL]: "Welcome back. I know you're all dying to know whether I won the Tumblr sexyman poll, and if I defeated the small skeleton. Well...
I was all ready to fight, getting into a stance, when the skeleton held up his hands. He said that he didn't want to fight, and that he'd come here to concede and hand me the title.
I'll admit, I was a bit taken aback by this at first. Of course, I had to protest. Wouldn't that be unfair to the few people who voted for him, I asked?
But he explained that, since he already won last year, he wasn't really looking forward to all the attention and hassle from winning a second time. And seeing as it apparently meant a lot to me, he'd rather just let me win than miss his wedding.
Yeah, apparently he's about to be wed to someone named Komaeda in a few days? Good for him.
Dear listeners, after his heartfelt plee, I felt I had no choice but to accept the win.
Which means I am now, officially, Tumblr sexyman of 2023. Yay!
Stay tuned next for muffled sounds of celebration, overheard from a neighbour's house nearby.
Good night, Night Vale. Good night."
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slut4satoru-blog · 9 months
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Husband Head Canons— Satoru Gojo minors DNI +18 content (NSFW)
*✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚
well, this is my first post to tumblr. yay! haven’t really proof read this so sorry for any mistakes. taking suggestions on who to do next!
content warnings: nb!reader, mentions of oral sex (giving, receiving), temperature play, very light bdsm if you squint, name calling (baby, slut), mentions of fingering (receiving), mentions of riding, mentions of biting.
*✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚: *✧・゚
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that always kisses you good bye before heading off or he swears he’ll have a bad day.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that always uses the most stupid excuses for giving you gifts. like when he gave you your favorite plant on “Earth Day” so you could celebrate it to the fullest.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that secretly loves whenever you use his stuff, and purposely gets stuff for himself that he’ll know you will like just to see you walk in his office and steal his supplies.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that loves meal prepping for the week with you. he swears it’s the closest thing to “predicting the future”, specially when it’s dessert time.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰jo that is amazing at making the bed. you have no idea how he gets it to look like a hotel every day. he’ll surprise you with different towel animals every day. and they range from bees to dinosaurs so you never have a clue on the next animal.
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚ *ੈ✩‧₊˚
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that secretly loves when you take charge. the way you chain him to the bed, bite his nipples and stroke his hard cock might just be the best view on this planet. whenever you ride him and make him see stars, that one time when you guys tried temperature play will be engraved in his brain for years to come.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰j𝘰 that is obsessed with the way your ass bounces on his cock whenever he’s pounding into you. is he more of a missionary guy? well yeah, he loves seeing your face squirm; however, there’s something about that sinful sound your bodies create when he’s drilling you from behind that he just can’t get enough of.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰𝘫𝘰 that secretly loves it when you kiss him after giving him the sloppiest of heads. tasting himself on your mouth is a constant reminder that he owns you, you are his precious little jewel for ends of time.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰𝘫𝘰 that loves calling you pet names when doing the nasty. there is no range whatsoever. he’ll call you baby and the next second he’ll call you a slut for sucking that spot he loves so much.
★ ➜ 𝘏𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘶 𝘎𝘰𝘫𝘰 that is very, very sound dependent when it comes to sex. he needs to hear you. the way your moans sound, the way your fluids squelch when he’s fingering you and eating you out, when when he plays with your ass & chest. he just loves any and all sounds that come from you. he can literally cum no contact just from hearing you fuck yourself on the shower whenever you think he isn’t there.
Masterlist
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colubrina · 28 days
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How I Got My Agent, Take Two
I’m so ridiculously over the top happy to say I’ve signed with a literary agent to sell my magical bookbinder book.  This has been a long process that started in 2017, and I’m genuinely overjoyed.
It played out thus:
Write book one.
Write book two. Query the book.
Write book three. Query the book.
Write book four. Get into Pitch Wars with the book. (Yay!) Query the book.
Write book five. Get into Author Mentor Match with the book. (Yay!) Query the book.
Write book six.
Write book seven.
Write book eight.
Write book nine.
Get a Revise and Resubmit offer from an agent for book five. Do it.
Start querying book six.
Get an offer from the R&R (Yay!)
Write book ten.
Book five dies on submission.
Start writing book eleven.
My agent and I amicably part ways.
Start writing book twelve.
Finish querying book six.
Query book ten.
Start writing book thirteen.
Go back to book eleven.
Go to a live pitch event. Pitch book eleven to two agents. Neither likes it. One asks what else I’m working on, and when I do the one sentence pitch for book twelve, says, “I could sell that.”
Pivot to finishing that book.
Query book twelve, sending queries first to four agents who only want queries and who are actively requesting off those queries. Get a 75% request rate. Query is fire. Check.  Unfortunately, every agent rejects when they see the opening pages, which turn out not to be fire.
Revise opening
Resume querying book twelve.  In case you’ve lost count, while this is the twelfth book I’ve written, it’s ‘only’ the seventh I’ve queried.
Finish drafting book thirteen in NaNo. Revise. Send to CPs.
Have existential crisis on a Tuesday. Meltdown on Tumblr. Weep in my living room. All my books have failed.  I do not know how to write a better book.  Maybe I should give up. This turns out to be a very well-timed dark night of the soul within the narrative.
Get two full requests for book twelve on Wednesday.
Get an email telling me one of my short stories has been held for consideration on Thursday.
On Friday get an email that the woman who handles submissions for one of those agents from Wednesday loved the book but she doesn’t think it’s a great fit for the agent I queried.  Would I mind if she forwarded it in-house to a different agent?  In shocking news, I would not mind this. 
On Monday, get an email asking for a call.
On Wednesday, which is Valentine’s Day, have a call with the agent.  She’s lovely in every way, her thoughts on the book are so good, every editorial idea she floats is good. Like, really good.  She is super enthusiastic about repping the book and offers to do so.
There is an etiquette requirement at this point that I tell any agent who has the book that I have an offer on the table and give them two weeks to respond, so I go around nudging all the agents with a full (four people) and several agents who only have a query. Three more agents request fulls. The rejections start trickling in.  People are very sweet and complimentary, and I am deeply, deeply relieved that I never waver from how much I adore the original offering agent.
I sign with her on February 29.
Final stats for Book Twelve (THE ARCHIVE OF THE WORLD):
Total Queries Sent:  39 Requests Before Offer: 8 (20.5% request rate) Request Rate Including Post-Offer Requests: 28.2%
Year I Started this Nonsense:  2017 Total Queries Sent across 7 books:  456
Takeaway wisdom:  The query trenches are a soul-mangling machine into which we all keep putting our souls and most of us don’t make it out unmangled.  I am not unmangled. BUT, I am a persistence hunter, and I will walk steadily towards publishing until it lies down in exhaustion and gives up.
Thanks for hanging out with me as I do.
Also, this book is so much fun.  You’re going to love it.
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floralcyanidee · 7 months
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ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀ ɢᴀᴍᴇ - ɴᴇɪʟ ʟᴇᴡɪs
Neil Lewis x AFAB!Reader (NSFW)
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After a fateful game night between your two rival video stores, Neil proposes a new way of playing your favorite games. Will this new idea lead to something more than playful rivalry?
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warnings: smut, face-riding, oral (f and m receiving), throat/ facefucking, cum swallowing, drinking, mentions of alcohol, strip poker/game
word count: 3632
author’s note: still shadowbanned on my main account yay /j but I'm so glad to have so much support and love on this new tumblr! thank you all for the follows and feedback. I didn't proofread some of this (but what's new), so if it flows weird I'm sorry >.< lol please enjoy!! I've had a few requests for Neil so (:
main masterlist | cillian murphy masterlist | add yourself to the taglist here
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“That’s it! You’ve got to be cheating.”
“I am not cheating, Neil. Jesus.”
“There’s just no way you’re better at this game than me.”
“There’s a lot that I’m better at than you.”
“Woah, woah, woah,” Jonathan pipes up, coming in between you and Neil, “Let’s calm down here, guys.”
You glare at Neil, tossing your cards back into the pile. You had been playing UNO. It was tradition for your two movie stores to play against one another every first weekend of every month. And tonight, the players dwindled down to you and Neil as per usual, to which you won the final game of the night. Neil was obviously not happy about it. But lately, Neil hasn’t been happy about a lot of things. You chalk it up to his breakup with Violet. A sick, twisted part of you was glad he and Violet had finally broken up. Not because you didn’t like Neil or anything- it was quite the opposite. You were rivals, of course, but the tension between you was unmatched and intense. Every time game night came around, that tension became even more taut and thicker. But it’s not like you could tell Neil or anyone else you like him. Absolutely not. It would ruin the healthy competition between Gumshoe and your video store. And it would make you look hypocritical, considering how much you lightly bully Neil, especially when he wore those weird costumes at work.
“Two out of three?” Neil crosses his arms, sitting back in his chair, eyebrows raised.
“I think I’m gonna turn in, actually,” you start collecting the cards, neatly stacking them before putting them back in their respective package.
Neil mumbles a defeated, “Fine.” 
As you get up from the poker table, Lucien gives you an apologetic look from the ragged old couch sitting adjacent to it. Jonathan urges Neil to get up and accept his loss for the month. Meanwhile, your best friend and coworker Nina is busy aimlessly walking around the store, taking in the interesting scenery of Gumshoe Video. She acts as if she’s never been in here before, taking in various movies and movie posters. You walk over to her, card games in hand.
“Ready to go?” you ask her, and she looks up at you, only for her eyes to advert behind you as she becomes visibly flustered.
You turn to see Jonathan helping Neil pack up the games, smiling at your best friend.
“Does someone have a crush?” you coo, and Nina shoves your shoulder playfully.
“Me? Have a crush? You’re delusional!” she throws her hands in the air dramatically as she walks toward the door, you trailing behind her.
Nina goes into a rant about how she’d never date a guy from this city, much less a guy from our rival video store. You glance behind your shoulder, saluting Lucien and Jonathan as you leave. Neil doesn’t look at you.
The next few weeks are relatively slow at your movie store. You wonder if Gumshoe is doing any better. Judging by the new and more dramatic costumes that Neil has come up with, you’d say the answer is probably no. When you and Nina occasionally stop in there to casually scope out the place, you make sure to make a witty comment about whatever getup Neil is in that day. It always came with a frown from him and a laugh from you. Lucien would just act like he didn’t hear anything, a knowing smirk on his face when you meet gazes. You’d glare at him until he eventually went to do something else. You and Lucien are pretty cool with each other, and he figured out how you feel about Neil pretty quickly. Lucien wasn’t stupid by any means. Jonathan was too busy stupidly flirting with Nina to notice how your stare would sometimes linger on Neil for too long. Nina knew, of course, but she didn’t care much. She always figured you and Neil had something going on whether you two knew it or not.
It’s nearing the end of the month, which means another game night soon. You hope Neil has gotten over whatever animosity he felt toward you for winning the last game. How he reacted was odd- he usually didn’t make such a fuss. Once again, you figure it has to do with his breakup. But then again, he’s been kind of grouchy even before the split and well after it so far. You’re in your office at your video store gathering the games you’re bringing, along with a bottle of alcohol to spice things up. Maybe Neil could loosen up a little. Nina knocks on the door as she walks in, ready to go.
“Got the stuff?” she asks.
“Yep,” you say, popping the ‘p’ as you turn out your office light.
The two of you begin walking to Gumshoe as the sun sets. Nina starts talking about something Jonathan said the last time you were at their video store, to which you roll your eyes. Definitely not a crush at all, you think to yourself. You arrive at the store, knocking on the glass as you wait for one of the boys to unlock the door. Neil approaches and opens the door, allowing you and Nina in. You walk over to the poker table, where Lucien and Jonathan are already seated.
“So tonight we’re gonna try something new,” Neil claps, rubbing his hands together as he grins deviously.
“And what’s that?” you wonder, sitting down the bottle of alcohol in the middle of the table.
“Strip poker,” Neil smirks, grabbing the bottle, “And this will definitely make it more interesting.”
“Strip poker?” you raise an eyebrow.
“Yeah, or, well, strip UNO and whatnot,” Neil shrugs.
“Uhh,” Lucien chuckles nervously, “I’m good. I’ll just be the moderator tonight.”
“Oh, come on, Luc,” you pout, “Don’t make me suffer alone.”
“You won’t be suffering alone. Jonathan and Nina will be here with you, right guys?”
Jonathan opens his mouth and then closes it, looking to Nina for her response.
“Uhh, sure. I guess. But I’m not getting naked, that’s for sure,” Nina scoffs, falling into a poker chair.
“Thank you,” you throw your head back in relief, sitting beside Nina. Neil sits across from you as Jonathan takes the seat to your right, already grabbing the bottle of alcohol from Nina and taking a swig.
“Let’s get this started.”
You run your hands through your hair. Tonight was going to be a long night.
“Any article of clothing counts, right?” Nina asks after the first round of 21 is completed, meaning everyone but Jonathan, who had won, had to take something off.
“Correct,” Neil answers.
“Cool. Take my shoe and shove it up your ass, then, Neil,” Nina pulls off her shoe, pushing it into Neil’s chest.
He rolls his eyes, “Whatever.”
You decide to remove a shoe, and Neil does the same, tossing it behind him. 
“Another round?” Jonathan asks, sipping the whiskey that he brought.
You thought about taking a swig yourself but decided to wait until it was absolutely needed. 
“Sure,” Neil drawls, reshuffling the cards before dealing them.
This time, you win, and everyone begrudgingly removes another shoe or a sock. Nina snatches the vodka bottle from the table, taking a large gulp of it before slamming it back down. 
“Gonna chicken out already?” Neil taunts, gathering the cards to shuffle once more.
“No,” Nina says pensively, “It’s just lame that everyone else has to be involved in your weirdly sexual revenge plot against my favorite coworker over losing a stupid game.”
“I’m your only coworker,” you glare at Nina.
“Exactly. Now, if I will dip if it comes down to me flashing you guys my tits. Unless this alcohol starts setting in soon, then we’ll see.”
You raise your almost empty first cup, “Cheers to that.”
“Let’s get back to the game,” Neil grumbles.
No one says anything about Nina’s comment. After two more rounds of 21, you’re without a sock and shoe on your right foot and a shoe missing on your left. Neil has no socks or shoes, while Nina is just shoeless. Jonathan already took one for the team and removed his shirt and his other shoe after everyone lost to Nina twice in a row. Lucien cheered and clapped dramatically when Jonathan stripped his shirt, Lucien snatching the shirt and whipping it around like a lasso. It’s the first time tonight you see Neil crack a smile. 
“How about we switch to a board game now? Something quick, of course,” Nina shrugs.
“Be my guest,” Neil says, and Nina chooses Connect 4.
“Jonathan and I can go first,” she grins wickedly.
“Good luck, dude. She’s a master at this game,” you warn Jonathan, who cracks his knuckles.
“Nothing I can’t handle. I beat Lucien at this all the time,” he says, and Lucien protests.
“Only because you cheat,” Lucien says matter-of-factly.
“Well, since you're the moderator, you can make sure I don’t, huh?” Jonathan bites back.
Neil cackles while Lucien purses his lips together into a line, wordlessly watching as Nina separates the color pieces.
After 3 rounds of Connect 4, Jonathan has won one and Nina the other. You beat Neil once already, and now it was time to see if he’d win or lose this final round. You’re nervous because if you lose, you have to remove a pretty vital item of clothing. It didn’t matter if it was pants, your shirt, or whatever- it would be embarrassing. You carefully calculate your moves, studying Neil’s determined and methodical facial expression. He catches you in a trap, letting his color piece fall on top of yours, blocking you from your final winning move.
“Fuck,” you seethe, dropping your head onto your arms.
“Fuck is right, my dear,” Neil slides the lever, letting all the pieces fall onto the table, “Now strip.”
You scowl, reaching behind your back to unclasp your bra, pulling the straps over your arms, and tossing it to the floor. Neil watches, his eyebrows raised. Jonathan scoffs, and Lucien is distracted by the music video playing on TV. Nina laughs at Neil’s face.
“Neil, my guy, you look like a tomato,” Nina teases.
“Do not,” he protests childishly, gathering the colored pieces and putting them back into their little bag.
Jonathan checks his watch, “Shit. Gotta head to bed. Double shift tomorrow,” he frowns.
Lucien also checks his watch, “Yeah, I oughta go too. Early morning.”
Neil sighs, “Well, if you guys are up for it,” he motions to you and Nina, “I’ll still play.”
“I actually am getting sleepy, but I think Y/N is totally down to stay,” Nina volunteers you with a smile. 
You go to protest, but everyone is already heading out the door, leaving you with Neil.
“Well, shit. I guess it’s just you and I,” you scratch your neck.
“Yep,” Neil nods, pulling out UNO, “Wanna rematch?”
“Sure,” you chuckle, “But you can’t pout when I beat your ass again.”
You’re nearing the end of the first round, and your heart is starting to beat out of your chest. Both of you have one card left. And you’re going to have to remove your pants if you lose. You aren’t sure if you want to cross that line with Neil or not, but a game is a game. And you aren’t about to turn down your win streak and look like a fool. You draw a blue 9, to which Neil slams down his final card. A blue 5. 
“Noo,” you drawl, and Neil cheers.
You put your head down on the table in defeat.
“Time to-”
“Strip. Yeah, I know,” you sigh, lifting your head.
You reach down and hesitantly undo your pants, pulling them past your thighs and down your legs before kicking them away. Neil doesn’t look anywhere but your face as he shuffles the cards, his cheeks turning red. You nervously keep your legs closed, scooting closer to the table. 
In the next round, Neil loses, removing his shirt. His torso is slim yet fit for his size, and you can’t help but stare. Neil clears his throat, and you quickly look away. Now, the tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. It was way more intense than your usual tension. Especially since if you lose this next round, you’ll be showing something very revealing. Thankfully, Neil loses again, having to strip his pants this time. But it only makes you more anxious.
“We don’t have to continue if you don’t feel comfortable,” Neil says.
You shake your head, “I’m fine. I’m not pussying out.”
“Alright,” Neil puts his hands up.
You watch him unwaveringly as he shuffles the cards, distributing 7 for each of you. As the game progresses, you and Neil exchange increasingly heated glances. You catch yourself pressing your thighs together, biting your lip when you catch Neil staring at your nipples poking through your shirt. It’s time for the final draw, and to your horror, you lose again. Sighing, you begrudgingly grab the vodka and chug it. When you put the bottle down, you look at Neil, and he looks at you. Hesitantly, you grab the hem of your shirt, pulling it up and over your head. Neil keeps his eyes on yours, visibly trying not to look at your breasts. He clears his throat and shuffles the cards, focusing intently on them. Neil tosses the cards between the two of you, his eyes nervously flickering between your tits and the cards. Neil gathers his cards, neatly stacking them and putting them face down before standing up from his seat.
“I’ll, uh, be right back. Don’t look at my cards,” he says, his voice strained.
When he stands, you notice the painful bulge in his jeans, and the alcohol gives you a moment of bravery.
“Neil. Stay.”
Neil stops in his tracks, not turning to look at you, “Can’t.”
“Why is that? Never seen a pair of tits before?”
Neil rolls his eyes at your joke, turning back to you, “It’s not that. I just-”
You grab Neil’s hand, pulling him down harshly so his face is level enough with yours to kiss him.
“You’re not helping,” Neil whines after he pulls away, uncomfortably shifting around. 
“I mean, I could if you let me,” you say, biting your lip nervously, worried he’d reject you.
But maybe he won’t. Maybe he needs you badly enough that he won’t pass up your opportunity. You hope he doesn’t.
“Wouldn’t it be, I don’t know, weird?” Neil grimaces.
“Not if you don’t make it weird,” you say sassily, your hand now in his hair, gently pulling at his locks. 
“Fine,” Neil closes his eyes, exhaling shakily, “Let’s go to the couch.”
He walks over to the beat-up sofa, letting himself fall into the cushions. You get up from your chair, moving quickly to kneel on the floor in front of Neil. He stares down at you, gulping as you fumble with the fly of his jeans. You aren’t going to lie, you’ve been waiting for this moment for some time. Granted, it wasn’t here in the video store, but you’ll take what you can get. You pull Neil out from the confines of his pants and underwear, immediately marveling at his size and girth. He groans at the contact of your hand around him and spreads his thighs apart as you kitten lick his tip. You take Neil into your mouth, hollowing your cheeks as you slide your head down into his lap. Your nose touches his pelvis, his hair tickling it as you let him hit the back of your throat. Gagging around him momentarily, you take a deep breath and focus on the feeling of him filling you up.
“Just like that,” Neil praises, his fingers carding through your hair.
A swirl of your tongue sends his head lolling back on the couch, and he glances down through his lashes to watch you bob your head along his length. Your hands grip his thighs to hold him steady as you gain a rhythm, letting his hand guide your head back and forth. Neil’s hips stutter as he involuntarily thrusts into your mouth, and you gasp through your nose as you try not to gag. 
“Sorry,” Neil cringes, a moan leaving him immediately after you keep him deeper in your throat, letting it pulse around his head.
You stare into Neil’s intense blue eyes, now overtaken by his dilated pupils. Both of his hands are in your hair, gripping harshly as you move your head up and down even faster. Neil curses, hissing as you play with his balls with one of your hands, urging him closer to the edge. You can feel him twitching inside your mouth, letting you know he’s close. Suddenly, you pull off him.
“Fuck my throat,” you say breathlessly, jerking his wet cock with your hand as you wait for his answer.
“Are you sure?” Neil asks.
“Yes,” you say before putting him back into your mouth. 
When you let his tip hit the back of your throat again, Neil then pulls out, slamming back into your mouth with a strangled cry. Slowly, he starts finding a good pace, not thrusting enough to hurt you but enough for your throat to be sore tomorrow. Spit and precum are spilling out of the sides of your mouth, tears streaming down your cheeks as you gag and moan around him. You wish you could see the situation from a different point of view just to see how Neil is wrecking you right now. 
“You like me fucking your face like this, sweetheart?” Neil grunts, his hands holding your face and wiping away your tears.
You attempt a nod but fail, letting out a hum of content instead. 
“Gonna cum in your pretty mouth,” Neil moans.
You let him continue fucking into your face until he twitches a final time, his cum shooting down your tongue and throat. You allow Neil to pull out of you, and you close your mouth to swallow his load. You open your mouth to show him it’s all gone, to which he lets out a weak groan.
“That’s hot. I didn’t know you could do that with that sassy mouth of yours.”
You shrug, “There’s lots of things I can do with it. Now, lay down.”
Neil obeys, scrambling to lie down on the couch. You stand up, peeling off your soaking underwear and moving it away with your toe. You climb above Neil, “Ever had anyone sit on your face?”
“No,” he exhales, shaking his head.
“Would you like to?”
Neil nods vigorously, and you move up enough to rest your foot on the couch's armrest and press your knee next to Neil’s head, spreading open enough for him to have plenty of access. He marvels at the sight of your arousal and the fact it was all for him. He reaches tentatively to your folds, spreading them further as you lower yourself to his face.
Neil then drags his tongue up your wet slit, avoiding your clit entirely as he gathers your slick. You whimper at the feeling of the contact of his warm tongue on you, your pussy sensitive from lack of touch and being incredibly turned on. Neil then flicks the tip of his tongue along your clit, circling and teasing it. You cry out, gripping the couch with one hand and his hair with the other. You buck your hips as he swirls his wet tongue around your cunt, lapping up everything you’re giving him. 
“Fuck, you’re so good at this,” you moan, meeting Neil’s eyes below you.
Neil doesn’t respond but instead dips his tongue into your entrance, twisting it as he starts fucking you with it. Your grip on his hair tightens as you start rocking your hips on his tongue. 
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you seethe, feeling warmth spreading in your belly.
Neil replaces his tongue with two fingers, moving his focus back to your clit as he sucks on it, pounding his fingers into you. He finds your G spot relatively quickly, considering you nearly jump out of your skin when he rubs his fingertips against it. You’re a mess, sweating, moaning, and swiveling your hips shakily on Neil’s mouth and fingers. 
“I’m close,” you warn, the tight knot in your stomach threatening to come undone any moment.
Neil picks up his speed on flicking his tongue and harshly suckling your bundle of nerves, letting his teeth graze against it as he adds a third finger. He lets you fuck yourself on his fingers hard as he lets his teeth bite into your clit softly, sending you over the edge. Your body shakes, your legs nearly giving out on you as Neil guides you through your orgasm. He holds onto your hips, keeping you steady as you buck them wildly. When you slow down, panting, he removes his fingers and sucks off your juices from them.
“You’re a filthy little fucker,” you chuckle, running a hand through your hair as you dismount from Neil’s face.
Everything about Neil acting weird and ornery around you suddenly makes sense. From the sneaky glances during game nights to him occasionally stopping in your video store to snoop for no reason, it was all for you. Just like everything you did was all for him as well. 
“So who wins this round, hm?” he asks jokingly, wiping his face with the back of his arm.
“Truce?” you ask sweetly, moving to sit on Neil’s fully clothed thighs.
Neil sighs, a weak smile on his lips, “Sure.”
“Now take off your pants,” you urge, “It’s time for round two of this game.”
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roxannarichie · 10 months
Text
THE ANOMALY | Miguel O’Hara
Chapter One: Willow-Dean
“It…she… isn’t… hasn’t even been bitten… by anything!” Lyla yelled confused, her knowledge about this anomaly was extensive. She had detected her weeks ago but quickly realized the difference from past anomalies. Absolutely zero attachment to any kind of supernatural activity or phenomena. Nothing. Then why did the system detect her as an anomaly?
“What?” Miguel questioned, also confused, he walks toward his computer screen while putting on his Spider-suit. There was no way— there has to be something wrong with her— something that have away that she didn’t belong in that universe. His fingers tapped quickly and softly his watch– he pulls up a holographic screen of information about the woman. As he read the information, he gave intense look.
Looking at his from his peripheral vision, “Lyla, how long have you known about this anomaly?” His voice was calm with a hint of knowing and depth. The pixels assistant chuckled, her guilt was evident.
“Well you see– Miguel, it’s” she stammered.
“Lyla…” Miguel said sternly.
“Three to Four weeks”
“Three to Fo– How does that make any sense! A month? You know the damages this anomaly could have caused to that multiverse!” He lectured. Everyone knew the damage but how could an innocent woman who was blissfully unaware of how out of place she was cause so much harm and how!?
“Miguel, I only did it to watch her and study her. She lives an normal life, she not even a superhero of ANY kind.” Lyla argued. In her defense, the system glitched when it detected this woman which cause Lyla to doubt if she should warn Miguel immediately. Instead she did her own research. He glared at her still not seeming to loosen up.
“She was born September 16, 1998, she was raised by her mother and grandmother. Her father died while serving in the military months before she was even born.” A pixelated sweat droplet rolled down her forehead. She didn’t not want Miguel to put her on “do not disturb” like he did last time. It was absolutely torture.
Miguel sighed in defeat, placing his thump and pointer finger on the bridge of his nose, “Dios, dame fuerza, okay, what is her name?” He scrolls through the anomalies file, not seeing a name.
“Willow-Dean Jones” She said proudly.
“…..Willow what?” Miguel twisted his face, it was an odd name, and not unique odd though it was unique, more like weirdly odd.
“Willow-Dean Jones”
“So Dean is her middle name—“
“No, it’s her first name–“
“I’m not understanding.”
“It’s a double— a double name have you not heard of double names?”
“Yes but her name is already odd—I don’t understand the point of a double— WHATEVER!” His frustration and annoyance was obviously, he typed her name into the file.
Lyla was excited, “Yay, are you bringing her here?”
“Where else would I bring her?”
“Yes! Finally, some female company, though Jessica is lovely, she is pregnant and sleep most of the time, and—“ She looked at Miguel with a smirk, “Possible a new lady friend for—“
“No” He replied quickly
“—you and it gonna be so much fun, we can talk about girl stuff and then We talk about—“ Lyla chattered ignoring the brooding spider.
“Lyla. No–“
“–how mean you are and– oh, maybe you two can get married!”
“Lyla– for heaven sake, I’m 32!”
“That is only a seven year differe—“
Miguel had reluctantly put her on “do not disturb” which he knew she despised but anything to get her to stop specking about the anomaly with the weird name.
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svmjaeyvn · 1 month
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love maze, s.jy.
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chapter four pairing: jake x afab!reader word count: tbd (series)
masterlist
add yourself to the taglist here!
genre: college!au, mutual friends, fake dating, smut.
synopsis: an unfortunate encounter, drunken mistakes, and a sort of (definitely) stalker leads jake sim ‘dating’ his best friend’s childhood crush.
or, your life gets intertwined with a rich boy’s in attempt to not get sued by his crazy personal fangirl and like with all good cliches, sex overcomplicates things.
contents: smut, sort of strangers to fuck buddies to lovers pipeline, childhood best friend!jay, mentions of best friend! yunjin, curly haired & mixed reader, uni!au, rich nepo baby!jake, enha frat boys, lots of kissing, fake dating turning into fwb real quick, totally way too into it for it to be fake early on, big booty reader that’s jake’s obsessed with, partying and alcohol use, slight violence, he fell first and harder trope, stem bf & writer gf, (kinda overly) possessive jake, some angst to spice things up, daddy issues, hyper independent reader who struggles with her feelings, fluff and happy ending!!
a/n: hello~ i’ve never been a tumblr girly but i have went through my w*ttpad era back in 2018 so bare with me y’all. this will be a series but not that long (i hope) so pls look forward to it. warning tags will be placed before each “chapter” to specify what to expect. pls pls reblog and interact, i’d love to have feedback and see what your thoughts are. okay! yay, for now enjoy and thank you sm :D
MDNI, 18+
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CHAPTER FOUR: FIRSTS
previous masterlist next
word count: 2.9k
warnings: alcohol, partying(what’s new), hints of needy jake, reader being a tease, established desire, highly suggestive themes
a/n: YEAHHH GET INTO IT moving it along now
"I GO HOME for three days and you suddenly have a new life?" Yunjin gapes, hands on her hips as you had just finished explaining the whole story in what happened between you and Jake. From the beginning of the creep at the store, which she was throughly upset that you didn't call her considering she didn't even get laid that night, to the agreement the two of you came up with yesterday.
You were in the process of getting ready, Jake having texted you earlier in the day asking if you were free. After talking over everything, coming up with a story down to the smallest details, and finding a middle ground in how this would work, Jake suggested at least once a week you two would go on a 'date.' In reality it was just hanging out, time to get to know each other better and have the ability to be comfortable with how you'd act in public from then on.
"Apparently," You snort, swiping one last application of lip gloss onto your lips. Puckering them before letting out a small sigh, decidedly put in enough effort for the mock date. "Good?"
Yunjin glances over your outfit. The denim jeans sat nicely on your hips, low rise exposing a good portion of your stomach along with the white baby tee, a brown oversized jacket on top with white shoes to compliment. The outfit was casual but cute enough to show some effort, showing off enough skin that emphasized your curves but also comfortable.
"You're hot," She nods, a wink added to the effect. Watching as you bent over to retie your shoe lace, a loud gasp left Yunjin's lips before her laughter filled the air. "You're trying to get laid aren't you!" Pointing toward the thin string-like material that poked out as you bent due to the low waistband of the pants, the brown thong you wore was exposed and something you didn't particularly wear without good reason.
Quickly standing up straight, a sheepish smile made way onto your lips, shrugging slightly. "Maybe, mind as well have fun with this, right?"
"Sure, fucking your already fake boyfriend sounds like a great idea that won't lead to any problems," Yunjin nods, voice dripping with sarcasm.
You smile, turning back around just as your phone pings. "Glad we agree," You nod, collecting your things as Jake was now waiting outside for you to head down, Yunjin rolling her eyes as she bids you goodbye with a playful slap to your ass as you walked past.
"Text me how it goes!"
JAKE HAD A hard time focusing. Maybe it was the colorful lights that blinked in every direction, or the loud buzz of other people who played along the rows and rows of arcade games, or maybe it was the fact that he got the perfect view of your ass in those tiny little jeans every time you remotely leaned over. He thought he was imagining things the first time you bent over, trying to convince himself that you hadn't been bold enough to wear a thin g-string in those already low pants that exposed the definition of your waist and the two dimples on your lower back.
Surely it wasn't planned, wearing a thin little thong under tight pants that left little to the imagination with how utterly perfectly perky your ass seemed squeezed in them. But it was, definitely was because although he hasn't worn one himself, he assumed having a string up your ass all day wasn't something you willingly did, knowing well enough it was for the view not your comfort.
It took everything in him to tear his eyes away every time you glanced back, though his continued slip ups caused you to grow rather amused. Feeling how his eyes practically bore into your back, you began to have fun with it. Whether it consisted of teasing him with the sway of your hips as you walked or ensuring to wiggle around more than usual when you bent over to place the tokens in the slots of the machines.
The current game the two of you played consisted of basketball, playing on the two player option to go against one another, rushing to beat the others score of how many baskets made in the 90 second period. Jake finished before you, having started a few seconds prior and he smiled seeing the 72 on his scoreboard while yours was slowly trickling up from a mere 48.
Just as he was about to comment on his obvious win, he took note of the two who lingered off the side, seemingly waiting for their turn at the game. Presumably within your age range, the two men stood patiently, one occupied by his phone but the other had his eyes set on you in specific.
From the way his eyes traveled up your body, slow without a care for how bluntly obvious it was to see him checking you out, Jake felt oddly in disbelief at how shameless his actions were. The loud buzz indicated the end of your round, the score finalized at a 54 as you turned around with a small huff.
"Cheater," You tut, your competitive nature beginning to show its colors as you turn to Jake who was now a mere few inches apart.
Quirking a brow, he points to his scoreboard, the big 72 in bold letters along with WINNER flashing after it. "Face it baby, I'm just better,"
You blink, slightly surprised by the sudden pet name while Jake leans in suspiciously closer than before. One of his arms snaked behind your waist, hand resting low on your back and the heat of his fingers against your exposed skin caused a chill to run up your spine.
"Don't be cocky, you're just taller so it's easier for you," You defend with a roll of your eyes, turning away from his gaze that made you want to squirm away. You could feel the sudden shift in his demeanor, one that you wanted to see but it also made you nervous.
Without a word, Jake shamelessly leaned closer. His lips pressed to the corner of your mouth, lingering there for a moment just missing your lips before he pulls away, moving to whisper in your ear. "Your little outfits catching eyes sweetheart,"
He had a smile on his features, a seemingly fond look thrown your way but you could see the hint of something other by his eyes. Glancing around for a moment, attempting to confirm what he was referencing, it wasn't until your turned your head momentarily did you see. From the corner of your eye, you could see the two who stood still waiting, one in particular unable to take his eyes off you no matter how shameless he seemed.
"Is that a problem?" You counter, voice just as quiet as his as you peer back to Jake. This time, the smirk that fell upon his features definitely wasn't in good nature, feeling as his hand slightly squeezed your hip at the words.
"Not at all, I have a hot girlfriend," Jake shrugs, his amusement dripping through his words. "As long as I'm the only one that gets to touch you, they can look all they want,"
Finding yourself at a loss for words, you shake your head at his comment. Breaking the tension that began to linger through the air, you loop your arm around his own and begin to lead the way towards another game in the opposite direction. Jake merely laughs, allowing for you to pull him along without comment.
"Didn't take you as the possessive type," Finally finding your voice as you pulled him along to a less busy area in the building, you stop at one of the claw machines.
"Didn't like the way he was looking at you," He shrugs, pulling two coins from his pocket and inserting them to begin the game. Now focused on the rather weird chick looking stuffed animal that sat at the top of the pile, Jake's tongue was poked out slightly at the corner of his mouth as he concentrated.
You watched, waiting for him to drop the claw before speaking. "Still possessive," You snicker, the stuffed animal being picked up for a few seconds before falling out of the metal grasp. Still, it fell significantly closer to the exit shoot and Jake began his second attempt that the coins bought him.
He merely hums back at your words, redoing his attempt and waiting patiently to watch as the claw picked up and dragged the chick toward the shoot, it falling down in success causing a small smile to fall upon his lips. Bending down to pull it out, Jake takes a glance over it before holding it out to you.
"Well, like it or not, you're mine for the next few months," He reminds. You half heartedly nod at his words, far too engrossed by your newest stuffed animal and picking off a piece of extra fluff around its eye. The baby chick looked rather awkward, far too round and compressed but it made you smile, happy with the weird looking stuffy that'll be added to the rest on your bed.
"I'm fake yours," You finally respond while he raises a brow.
Taking a note of how excited you got over a mediocre claw machine prize, Jake sighs at your words. "No one else knows that, so as far as I'm concerned, you're mine to make it known,"
You smile at his words, a sort of guilty pleasure in knowing just how much he intended to keep you by his side even if it were an unpleasant trait outside of anything fiction. With a small hum, you lace your fingers through his own, pulling him along.
"Careful Jake, someone might think you actually like me,"
                  "TRY NOT TO let her do a replay of last week, yeah?" Jay spoke rather loudly, leaned close to the couple after spotting them heading for the kitchen. You had been dragged along to the frat house after a call interrupted your date. Allegedly, Bianca had made an appearance to the party, running around making scenes in attempt to find where Jake was hiding out after avoiding her all week.
Heeseung had made it clear that he either needed to come home and kick her out himself, or he'd be throwing her in the pool if she came up to him again cockblocking the girl he was trying to talk up for the night. Thus Jake proposed your first real act in your relationship, something that you were slightly reluctant to but also couldn't pass up the opportunity of seeing Bianca lose her shit over you attached to his hip without room for her to do anything this time.
It didn't surprise you that there was yet another party going on at the house, the boys notorious for being the main party frat on campus. What did surprise you though, was the fact that Jake willingly chose to take you on a date rather than attend.
You rolled your eyes at Jay's comment, shoving his shoulder causing Jake to let out a laugh beside you. His arm was draped over your shoulders, keeping your body close to his own while his other hand sported a red solo cup, yet another jungle juice made by Sunghoon who knew what he was doing this time around. Meanwhile you held a spiked cup of pineapple juice and tequila, keeping the alcohol minimal and pacing yourself.
"Go away," You huff, shooing Jay away with the wave of your hand. Raising a brow, he takes a glance over the two of you momentarily.
"Don't be weird," Is all he says, the comment thrown to Jake who seemingly understood, shrugging halfheartedly but agreed with a nod. With a small sigh, Jay's hand reaches up to ruffle your hair and quick to pull away as you swatted the air. "Bye teeny, don't fight anyone!"
"He's annoying," You mumble, turning back to Jake who hummed in response.
"He cares," He says softly, taking a sip from his cup while you click your tongue.
"Yeah? Too much then," Glancing around, the dim lights that flashed throughout the house provided minimal visibility, mostly shadows of bodies rather than seeing faces. "How long is this public appearance supposed to last before I can head home?" Truthfully, the thought of your bed seemed ten times more appealing than the stuffy kitchen you stood in. Partially sure that you had seen a girl running by about to hurl, the sight solidified your belief of partying sporadically, it gets old fast every week in your opinion.
"You wanna go home?" Jake began to feel around for his keys but only to pause realizing the cup filled with a concoction of alcohols may have not been the best idea.
"Not now," You shake your head. "I can always call an uber later, or have Yunjin pick me up... or even stay with Jay I guess,"
“What, you don’t want to stay with your boyfriend?” Jake teases, leaning closer causing you to roll your eyes. Slightly pushing his face away with the palm of your hand, small giggles began to fall from both your lips and mixing together in a little world of your own that seemed far away from anyone else in the room. “I’m hurt, truly you should be wanting to spend the night with me.”
“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” You hum. Pushing away the few out of place strands of hair that fell onto Jake’s forehead, his eyes glinted at the suggestive tone while his hands sat comfortably on your hips. Moving to your tippy toes, you leaned up to whisper directly in Jake’s ear, the words and your warm breath that fanned against his neck causing a shiver to run up his spine. “We wouldn’t be getting much sleep,”
“You know, I think I’m actually getting a little tired right now,” Jake says quickly, you pulling away enough to make eye contact, his pupils visibly dilated at the thoughts running through his head. “I think we should head up early, could be a good bonding experience,” The cheeky smile that played at his lips didn’t go unnoticed while he squeezed your hip, one of his hands trailing down dangerously low just above the curve of your ass, lingering there without any intention of moving back up.
“I don’t remember that being a part of the contract,” You tease while Jake shakes his head. Maybe it was the low lighting of the party, or maybe it was the more than obvious way he had been looking to you all night that made you so comfortable to entertain the thought. Well that and the fact that Jake was admittedly hot, you had always had the tiniest attraction towards him the few times you met in the past. Plus, there had to be some truth to the rumors that clouded his name, most girls deeming him as some of the best they ever had and you couldn’t help but want to figure it out for yourself.
“Exactly, that means there’s no rules against it, right?” Jake persists. No longer hiding his growing desperation, you were sure he’d kneel down and beg if you asked. “C’mon baby, it’s a good thing you know, for couples to be intimate n stuff,”
“I feel like I’m gonna have to keep reminding you that this is fake,” You snicker, seemingly nonchalant but you took a long sip from Jake’s cup, attempting for some liquid courage to calm your rapid heartbeat.
“We can be whatever you want us to be,” He agrees, hand cupping your face, tilting up your chin up as he placed a light lingering kiss to your bottom lip. “There’s a reason you wore those tight little pants and if not me, you’re out of luck in having someone else take them off cause of your rules,”
A small hum left your lips, your bottom lip tucked between your teeth which caused Jake to look away, finding something else to focus on to push away the thoughts of what your pretty mouth would look like around him instead. Immediately regretting it, your attention was caught by the string of curses that he mumbled under his breath.
Frowning your brows, your head turns to see the culprit of his sudden change in mood. Feeling the same sentiment as you see the faux blonde who looked more than annoyed when your eyes locked, you had to resist the urge to act childishly and flip her off.
Suddenly turning toward Jake, you grab hold of his hand. Raising a brow at your change in heart, he allows you to pull him toward the stairs. “If I would’ve known you had a possession thing too I would’ve said she got here way earlier,” He smiles, visibly pleased at the turn of events and switching to lead the way to his room.
“I’m proving a point,” You huff back while Jake lets out a laugh at your words. Following his lead with no hint of hesitation, you ensure to send a sickeningly sweet smile toward Bianca who seemed to be on the verge of losing her poise.
You had to admit, following Jake up to his room and seeing the look of envy from so many faces boosted your ego in more ways than one. This is gonna be a long night.
my tags!! @slutforsjy @jaklvbub @whowantshota @addictedtohobi
( pls make sure your settings make you applicable to tag)
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smoft-demons · 2 months
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If you aren't busy could you try writing about an mc that looks identical to Lilith and maybe even has a similar name example: lily, Lillian etc. (If you can, maybe mc that has a similar personality with lilith) And Ofc its platonic. (sorry if you don't understand, I barely ask on tumblr(⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠;⁠)
Also! It can be fluff or angst (if you can't write all of the brothers lucifer, belphegor and Beelzebub would be fine(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)
Mc can be gender neutral! (You can choose whatever format you're comfortable with)
Ofc if u don't want to its fine, i just saw your requests open
Sorry if this is too long(⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)
Sure! No worries about it being too long, it gives me lots to work with :)
First request yay! Hope you like it
MC’s name is Lily
Lucifer:
Lucifer double-takes when he first sees you. He knew your name in advance, but looking at you, seeing the resemblance… it shocks him.
He keeps a straight face, however.
It becomes increasingly obvious that he has a soft spot for you. It grows softer and softer as he gets to know you.
When you harmlessly disobey him, he can’t help but let you off. Lilith was a bit of a rebel too, and you look just like her when you’re trying to be sneaky
He loses it when you put yourself in danger! You remind him so much of his baby sister, who he gave everything he could for… and he’s supposed to keep this blasted human alive, so help him he will succeed! It’s a matter of pride—and also trauma.
All that is there, but still Lucifer makes an effort to pay attention to the differences between Lilith and you. Few as there may be, he will not cloud his own judgement by thinking of you as the new her.
And he will not do you the disservice of acting like you’re someone you’re not.
When the ancestry reveal happens, he’s not exactly surprised. It’s still great news, but… not shocking!
He’s already had his crisis about not being unfair to you by acting like you’re a replacement, so he’s actually pretty good about not saying anything hurtful along those lines.
Beelzebub:
He can’t bear to look at you at first
I mean really, how he’s grieving his sister plus how he’s missing his twin… what’s he supposed to do? You’re in Belphie’s spot, and you’re called Lily, and you’re even acting like her… his heart aches
Good news tho, he definitely won’t eat you
He feels AWFUL for scaring you that one time, about the custard
And that conversation when he opens up to you about that impossible choice he had to make about who to save? He won’t admit it to you or to himself, but a big part of why he asked you who you would have chosen is that he hopes you can give him some insight into what Lilith would have chosen. If she would have made the choice he did.
Once you’ve become good friends with him, he does make an effort to not confuse you with his sister… but it’s hard for him, especially if you look and act like her. He’s really trying!
He would want to hug you for hours after having nightmares of falling. It helps him feel like maybe he’s not a total failure of a protector
He’s giving Mammon a run for his money in terms of being protective of you.
Beel finds himself conflicted after the big reveal. He’s overjoyed to have Belphie back, but he’s so angry with him for hurting you, and also he’s so upset with himself for not realizing Belphie was trapped in the attic the whole time, and ALSO he’s struggling with keeping you separate from Lilith in his mind, similar and genuinely connected as you are, and that makes him feel even more guilty because he genuinely does love you just for yourself. He feels like it’s very mean to you if he lets himself be distracted from that.
This is further complicated by you naturally falling into the role of his baby sister. He loves having you in that role, but it’s hard. A bit triggering. He’s working through it!
All in all, he’s a good big brother. He’d be overjoyed to hear it if you tell him that.
Belphegor:
Learning your name sends him spiralling. He was thinking of this exchange program as a betrayal to Lilith’s memory, he thought Lucifer had forgotten about her, he thought Lucifer didn’t care, but he chose a human named LILY?? Is this him being manipulative, is this coincidence, does it mean he HASN’T stopped caring, does it mean he’s trying to replace their lost baby sister with some human?
Belphie can’t figure it out.
He hangs onto his hatred. He carries out the first steps of his plan
When you meet him, he just… stares. You look like her…
He refuses to cry about it! He sticks to the script, lying to your face as planned, summoning all the hatred and resentment in his fallen heart.
But… you keep coming back. Not just to update him about your pact collecting, but also… just to chat? Checking on him, bringing him small snacks and things that fit through the gaps in the door, telling him about what his brothers are up to, reminding him that Beel misses him terribly and no one has forgotten about him
He’s finding it hard to keep hating you. In all honesty, he’s grown fond of you! But he has a plan and he’s sticking to it! You’re NOT his sister, and nothing short of a miracle can convince him to let go of his resentment!
In timeline A, after the first jailbreak, he never gets around to harming you. He can’t figure out if it’s due to laziness, lack of opportunity, fondness for you on his part, or not wanting to make Beel sad. This becomes irrelevant of course, after Diavolo imprisons him
In timeline B, you’re sent back in time to see how he got released. You open the door, he offers you the hug, you accept.
It’s… nice, for a long moment. Gentle and warm and comfy.
And then he regains his determination, going ahead with his plan to kill you. He gets as far as “Finding it hard to breathe?” before he looks at you. Expecting to feel sadistic satisfaction at seeing a human face screwed up in pain like that. But… you look like his baby sister.
You look just like his baby sister, and you’re scared and hurt. His baby sister… panicking and tearful, because of HIM
He can’t do it
His grip relaxes. He doesn’t let you go, but he’s no longer hurting you.
He’s shaking.
You feel… moisture in your hair. Your throat is bruised and bleeding from his claws digging into your skin. You’re wheezing through your crushed airway. Your brain is flooded with adrenaline. Your prey terror hasn’t let up, as the demon who was threatening your life is still holding you, and he’s CLEARLY still unstable. But, maybe crying from guilt is safer than cold determination to murder you…?
At this point, the others rush in. Mammon tears you away from Belphie. Beel is frozen in horrified confusion. Belphie is having a breakdown on the floor.
Diavolo and Barbatos fill everyone in. Belphie can’t even look at you, he feels so awful.
As you both heal, you get closer. You become real friends. You learn what aspects of the Belphie you knew from the attic were lies, and the surprising amount of things that were true. With everyone’s help, Belphie really digs deep and commits to finally unpacking his trauma and his survivor’s guilt and his grief.
Once you trust him enough—and he trusts himself enough—he takes every opportunity to spoil you. He’ll cuddle you whenever you want, he’ll make sure you don’t get any nightmares, he’ll share his food, he’ll even let you wake him up for dumb things without getting mad at you.
______
I didn’t have many ideas for the rest. I had some for Mammon, but nowhere near as many as for these three. I might add the Mammon ideas as a short bonus later, if I have the energy or any more inspiration.
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