#so dysphoric that i am not perceived as a guy

[somekindafairy]

thinking about how much of the perception of gender feels like a performance. wondering what it means to be a man once you strip away biological essentialism and the performance of masculinity.

maybe i would be less dysphoric if i put more effort into my performance. thinking about the idea of it "coming naturally" like men and women "naturally" behave differently and how that maps on to how people perceive trans people. or what it means to "feel" like a man or a woman to others, as if that isn't intimately connected to cultural gender preformance. or that your ability to master said performance proves something innate about you.

thinking about being autistic and having to learn a new script whole cloth when i barely (read: not at all) managed the first one, wondering if this one would come more naturally if i let it, and if it doesn't what does that mean.

thinking about the performance of gender as a different culture, like learning a new dialect. idk

[thefleshyougoveggie]

getting correctly gendered by someone who doesn’t even know you’re trans is so euphoric to me

[drdemonprince]

Any chance you'd expand on the hank hill trans guy post? (Sorry, best indicator I could come up with.) The concept interests me as I decidedly know my maleness, yet don't feel impeded by for the most part, any male gendered norms/boxes. I am fairly masculine, though I rarely use those kinds terms to describe myself. I have found I often do stray outside of what society pushed for me when I transitioned, yet I again do not feel it has taken from my right to maleness whatsoever. I am just me, who happens to be male. I have had friends try and suggest I am NB adjacent but I do not feel this way whatsoever. I feel more people are outliers to gender expectation than we care to admit and it's disappointing the way cis-people deny that. Hope this wasn't too long winded, I value your writing and perspective, and wanted to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Yeah, well so many things all get conflated by gender labels, and it's all so personal, you know? Masculinity does not have to mean maleness, and a person's gender identity might be a reflection of some innate quality they experience themselves as having, or a general summary of their tendencies, or their desired presentation, or their sense of affinity with other people, or an interpersonal tool, or something they just go along with because it was given to them by society, or any other number of things.

I think my recent substack piece on detransition goes into this pretty well, and I have an upcoming piece of what @pastimperfection calls "bilateral dysphoria" that comes out next week that delves into it too.

I think I mostly saw taking on a male identity as a means to an end more than any kind of innate reflection of who I was, though I did feel an affinity with effeminate men for a lot of reasons. I think I also discounted how much I have in common with my fellow nonbinary people of all stripes, because that identity became so strongly associated with being an annoying type of queer person that everybody else just wrote off as ultimately being their assigned gender at birth anyway no matter how much they protested. it doesn't help that 'nonbinary' is a catchall term for literally thousands if not millions of very distinct experiences and desires.

transitioning gave me control over how i was perceived, finally, but hormones are a throttle that only go in one very specific direction, and you don't really have all that much control over which changes kick in at which times and what people will make of you once you do start registering to them as some identity other than what you were first saddled with. it's an incredible gift to be able to toggle that throttle. but it's limited, not because medical transition isn't incredible and needed for so many, but because there is no escaping the goddamned binary cissexist logic that influences everything about how people treat you, how you navigate institutions, who finds you desirable and what they want out of you, and so much else.

if you're able to cast a lot of the external societal bullshit aside and feel strong in your maleness, maybe you're stronger than me or maybe our orientation to these things is just different, i don't know. i was never all that sensitive to feedback that i was doing the whole being-a-woman-thing all that wrong. i reveled in violating those rules to an extent. succeeding at being a woman despite my best attempts was what felt super dysphoric. and now i guess im succeeding at being a man, insofar as im always read as one, and it feels just as uncomfortable and objectifying and false. i thought that with manhood i could probably just grit my teeth and deal with it, but i'm finding that i can't.

ive always been very open that for me, gender is a thing I Do, and i guess to those who know me well it wouldnt be surprising to hear that i have gotten tired of Doing Being a Man and dont feel like playing that particular gendered game anymore. I tend to get bored of things! and find the flaws in things. and find my comfort in being fault-finding and contrarian and not being a joiner. and thats okay. i learned a lot along the way. not having to try any more is a huge relief. i can just do whatever. and know actively that people will more often than not be wrong in what they make of me.

maybe it was natural feeling for you to decidely 'know' your maleness without a care for masculine standards because that is the right identity for you! and maybe i only feel secure in the "not knowing" realm and in letting go of what people think of me or finding any kind of tidy categorization for it because that's the right spot for me. for now. until i find a new interesting way to be unhappy and striving for more and different again. :) that's just part of being alive, for me.

[emotboyswag]

The bittersweet nature of "passing" as a trans person

I have no regrets in my transition except this one thing which i find it hard to express bcs i dont wanna sound ungrateful for being a passing trans person.

my disclaimer to this post is: it is hard to be a non passing trans person and non passing trans people are far more vulnerable than passing trans people. Also passing is not every trans persons goal. Although it is one of my goals in my transition im not saying "i have it now i regret it" im just gonna say kinda like. a sadder side to passing.

pre T i would say i passed like 60% of the time to cis ppl and when i wasnt seen as a dude theyd always either ask my pronouns or like ask my gender (i live in a pretty liberal place). i was quite rarely out and out just misgendered like maybe 5% of the time in the basically 7 years i lived as a pre T trans person (not including ppl who misgendered me on purpose) but i was sooo clocky to trans people like i am a v socially awkward guy but i found it easy to make trans friends when i met trans people irl when i was pre T bcs they mostly knew and we kinda were drawn together.

Im now a year and 8 months on T and i love passing i pass genuinely 100% of the time even when im not binding (and i have a larger chest that im very dysphoric about) and i have a cis passing voice. I often have a lot of like. not imposter syndrome about it but i have bad dysphoria and often assume im not gonna pass when i do or assume i look more like a girl than i do. Also im 5'3 and have kinda long hair (not long but i used to have it super short and now its a bit longer) but im just seen as a cis guy. so like i am not pretending i dont love passing it makes my life soo much easier and lessened my dysphoria.

What i will say is i miss the immediate kinship of meeting another trans person or being in the same room as another trans person and both knowing ur trans or becoming friends bcs ur trans or automatically having someone to pair up w in a group of strangers bcs u both know ur trans. Also on nights out i miss meeting new ppl and just talking to each other about being trans bcs we automatically recognise each other. like i miss the solidarity u feel as a trans person when u seen another one rather than trans ppl assuming im cis and me actively making an effort to mention im trans around new trans ppl. also i miss that trans ppl used to feel automatically safe around me whereas now i know bcs im perceived as a cis man sometimes they feel on edge. idk its just bittersweet i think <3

[our-trans-youth-experience]

Can you give me some advice as I'm questioning my gender yet again.

So basically, I'm an AFAB teenager, and up until about 8 I went with girl [and was very feminine], then 8 til around a year or two ago, I didn't really care cause it just didn't matter to me. Then I identified as demigirl, then genderfluid, and now nonbinary, and I was just considering starting to use he/they pronouns when I started to get stressed about gender. I feel dysphoria sometimes, and I was so upset when I got my period and stuff, though I don't know if that was just not wanting to grow up. I don' understand women, or why you'd want to be one, but occasionally I feel more fem, but I don't want to be a girl. If I could have been born a boy I would've, and if I ever think into the future, I'm only happy if I think of being a man. Sometimes i don't feel dysphoric saying 'I am a woman' and sometimes [usually] that feels so wrong and stresses me out. IDK,I'll probably just stick to being non-binary, but I also want to be a man, and I wish that I'd been born one. Also,i've been quite depressed lately, and I've hated myself since I was 11, however, because I only started questioning my gender a year or two later,it can't really be connected to that, can it?

Hope you're doing good, and thank you for taking the time to do this.👍

Hey there anon, thanks for sharing your experience!

I don't know your brain so I can't tell you a specific label, but I can try give you some possibilities. From what I've understood, you are NOT a girl but occasionally feel more feminine, you feel non binary and also male at the same time.

Have you heard of bigender before? One of my friends is a bigender guy, meaning that he has two genders (male and non-binary).

Another one of my friends is aboy (agender boy) which means that it doesn't have a gender but wants to be perceived as a boy.

You could be a demiboy (someone who partially identifies as a boy), or genderfaun (fluid between multiple genders, but never female/feminine)

Or you might be like me! I'm a transmasc person. This means that I am a very masculine non-binary person, but not male. I use masculine and neutral terms, but obviously that is completely up to you.

About your period, being upset about your period definitely counts as dysphoria, you are not just afraid of growing up. If having a menstrual cycle becomes too distressing for you and you are in a situation that allows you to do so, I'd recommend that you look into ways to stop your period.

Hope this all helps a little, happy gender hunting!

[cleaverqueer]

Hi, I just saw the post with tags where you said your bigender, male and genderfluid. That sounds really cool, would you mind explaining how that is and how you feel/experience gender? No pressure tho, if you don’t feel comfortable with that that’s absolutely fine :]

Ya sure no problem! i love talking abt my gender (and sexuality) just in case it reaches someone whos been having trouble finding the words for themself!!

so like, i describe it to people like this usually; my gender is like a watch with two hands! instead of numbers it has like a spectrum of genders around the face. One hand is always pointed to boy'o'clock, and the other one kinda changes depending on the day/time/my mood, ect. I usually base my presentation for the day on the intersection of the two genders (boy/???) im feeling! But the second hand can also point at boy too! (this is when i feel a lot of dysphoria, but i also like to joke about it being my DOUBLE BOY TIME)

How i feel gender in general is kinda like.... i think about it more as like, what i want to be, as opposed to what i intrinsically am, because i find the latter concept vague and confusing. So i always want to be perceived as a boy, but other genders sound fun too sometimes! Like for example, when the second hand points at 'agender', i feel more disconnected from the concept of gender in general, but id still prefer people with a binary mindset look at me and think 'boy'. but even when the second hand points at 'girl', id still feel dysphoric about not being recognized as a trans guy, because thats what i want to be, even if im feeling like a girl at the time.

also i would like to point out that i identify more with terms like boy/guy/dude than man, just because 'man' feels, to me, like something that requires a right of passage to attain and i dont think ive done that yet (this is not, in actuality or to me, a universal requirement, just probably a thing for myself. idk)

[transenbyconfessions]

hi, so i’m curious if i might be gender-fluid? or maybe non-binary??

i present very femininely because i’m afab and i don’t really have any problem with people using she/her pronouns and feminine terms for me or perceiving me as a girl.

however, i’m also comfortable with presenting masculinely and using masc terms (not so much he/him pronouns, but a few close friends have helped me try it out in conjunction with a few others and it hasn’t been wildly uncomfortable, just a little strange)

i’m also comfortable with they/them pronouns, and gender-neutral terms.

i feel like the best way to describe my ideal gender presentation and perception is like pretty boy and handsome girl simultaneously.

non-binary isn’t exactly a lack of gender, and more so the lack of fitting into any other category which is making me consider that that might be it. but, i feel like maybe gender-fluid would be more accurate since it kind of fluctuates in a way?? but not in any predictable pattern, since most of the time i feel perfectly comfortable presenting fem or androgynous, but then there’s some times where i feel really dysphoric and wish i looked more like a guy, and then the next day i’m putting on a dress with literally no problem???

i know presentation doesn’t equal identity all the time, but it’s really confusing to me, since i kind of feel like all genders at once and some days one is stronger than the others??? but then there’s like this grey area where i feel absolutely nothing about my gender at all???

does someone have any way they could help because i am really confused.

Submitted April 6, 2023

[wolfsbanekisses]

any tips on how to be a more confident trans man :,)? I’m over here with tits and ass and curves for days and I don’t know if I like it or not 😞

Like sometimes it’s there and I’m like ‘omg I could have a big strong dom grip and grope by curves and extra fat and it’d feel so good’

and then sometimes I’m like ‘why the fuck do I look so fem I don’t like it take it all awayyyyyy’

anyways hoping this doesn’t make you uncomfortable :,)

have a nice day / night 🧡

Well, I don’t know if I can offer any particularly helpful tips — but I’ll share my thoughts and maybe they’ll be a useful starting point at the very least.

I am well into my transition at this point, 5 years on t. I am fairly relaxed and confident in myself at this point. I was not always like this. I used to have crippling dysphoria and thought I’d want every gender affirming surgery there was — now I’m content just being on t and having a hysterectomy.

I think the best advice I think I can give you is take control of what makes you feel comfortable in your body and gender. Gender affirming care if it’s an option and you want it. Wear clothes that you enjoy, style be damned. Mess around with your hair. Sculpt yourself into what you want to be, instead of modifying how you think other people are perceiving you. It takes a while. Dysphoria might never fully go away. That’s ok. I’ll dress hypermasc and pack on dysphoria heavy days. I choose to do that cause I love the performance of it all. Cause I like it, not cause I feel the need to pass. On days where I’m not dysphoric, I might wear a dress to the club. I aint trying to stay in one box my whole life. I do what makes me feel good. I know who I am, and I’ll express that however I want.

Remember that cis men also come in every shape and size. I get misgendered because of my long hair occasionally — thats okay. Cis men with long hair do too. Like, yeah, it sucks, but if I can laugh it off, that’s good enough for me. And anyway. There’s lots of handsome as fuck curvy guys. Masculine and feminine, hairy and smooth, soft and muscular. Trans and Cis. There’s absolutely no reason you aren’t one of em.

Discard only what no longer serves you. If you enjoy it only upon occasion — make something else you enjoy more in the moment the spotlight. Hips feelin too curvy today? Well maybe you also got broad shoulders that would look fuckin’ great in a thick leather jacket.

It takes time. To build confidence and make your body one you feel at home in. To know yourself well enough. You will get there. I know you will.

[multigenderswag]

I actually hate being multigendered. I lay awake at night debating on whether I should just re-closet myself or lie and say “I was wrong, I’m just a cis girl!” so I can have an easier time navigating both queer spaces and romance. I’ve always felt that I’d have a hard time in terms of dating because everyone’s views of man and woman are so black and white.

The only thing stopping me from this is that some days I’m so undeniably uncomfortable with she/her (I’m bigender/fluid), and other days the thought of not being able to be called “he” or perceived as a man or a boygirl upsets me. I get so much joy from people using mismatched terms for me- like “she’s a guy who’s….” or “this lady thinks he’s…” etc. and i the thought of that not being able to have that happen makes me sad. It leaves me feeling hollow.

But I’m just so tired of arguing with terfs and exorsexists and transmultiphobes. So tired of being ignored and invalidated and degendered. So tired of spending time and enjoying myself with the guy I’m interested in and holding back the urge to confess because if he found out that I was also guy I’d feel like a liar or a predator.

Being multigender often times feels like a curse.

Do you have any words of encouragement?

I'm aromantic, so I haven't had the experience of difficulty being multigender in terms of dating, but I definitely relate to the urge to re-closet myself and just pretend I'm cisgender. But I try to just remind myself of how dysphoric and alone I felt when I was fully closeted, and how much happier I am now that I have some friends using my pronouns and name. That helps me realize I don't want to go back to how I used to feel.

The thing about being multigender is, I don't have a choice in the matter. I am who I am, and I can't change that. Really my only option is to live with this identity, so I might as well learn to like who I am.

As far as arguing with terfs and exorsexists and transmultiphobes, you don't owe them shit. You're not obligated to engage with them. Some advice my friend gave me that I try to keep in mind is "I will not engage with people who want me dead." Walk away, or block them. Their bigotry is not worth your time.

Something that really helps me have hope is just... seeing or hearing about other multigender people living their lives. Seeing posts about multigender people feeling euphoria, or finding multigender art or poetry or music, or reading about multigender history. There are other people like me, expressing themselves or finding joy in their identities or just existing.

There are going to be people who accept you, anon. Maybe you're in a position where your irl friends will be supportive, in which case, being able to be yourself around them could be immensely helpful. Or maybe you're not safe to come out right now, but someday you will be. Being multigender may feel like a curse right now, but it won't feel that way forever. Once you make it through this difficult part you will find support and euphoria and pride in your identity, okay? I wish you the best of luck, anon.

[sharpsharks]

so im a trans guy, right?

i was dysphoric about my body and hated it for years and then...

i stopped.

why?

i realised that i was dysphoric because of society and how i was perceived, not because of my body.

i have never worn a binder, and nowadays the only reason i really want top surgery is so i can be more aerodynamic and also make outfits looks cooler on me.

i dont want to go on T for a number of reasons (one of which is that i dont want to deal with facial hair and also im a singer and im quite proud of my vocal range) and i never want bottom surgery.

i simply dont see the point for me.

my speaking voice is fairly low with a slightly gravely and monotone sound. i have sharp features. i am skinny with a slight hourglass shape. i'm average height but on the tall side. i have hips, i have a (admittedly slightly small) chest. 

i usually dress in oversized clothes because that is my style, not because i dont like how my body looks. 

i love and appreciate my body for what it is. 

it may have taken a couple years for me to have this mindset but im glad i came this far.

there is nothing feminine about my body to me.

i have the body of a man.

the only reason i sometimes doubt that is because of the people who live outside of my body.

and even now, ive come to realise.

that what they see and think doesnt matter.

the only thing that matters...

is what i feel.

[genderplugin]

tw// me being annoying

ok so like for gender and sexuality are completely divorced people shut up i haven’t reconciled that and ever since i came out and it has broken my brain >:(

i guess i am probably bisexual but i def like boys more but i seriously hate talking about dating stuff/attraction with my friends because i swear i can literally feel their perception of my gender change whenever i talk about it. it really scares me because like i will feel lots of guilt around my gender and how i’m “performing” and idk i’ve had so many experiences now where i’ll talk about boys i’m obsessed with and people will just talk to me like i’m a faggot or twink 😭 idk i usually feel pretty ok with how i’m perceived with friends but like as soon as i talk about attraction like i literally wanna put my hands on my head and rip my skin off. i’m def not lesbian but there’s like such a stigma around all trans girls being lesbians and i’m terrified to be seen that way too… i feel like people poke fun at it in both ways where if i like boys i’m gay and if i like girls i’m actually just a straight man and i can’t fucking win… i don’t know the amount of times i have been called a twink when i go out dancing has had such a bad effect on my sense of self 😵‍💫😵‍💫 (also fuck djboywife lol). it’s gotten to the point where i like literally get sad when gay men are attracted to me and it happens literally all the time. even last summer i was seeing this guy for like a month and he would say so much shit to me that wasn’t mean spirited but would get in my head so badly :-( like he would always ask my to top him and one time said my facial hair was tickling his face (immediately started laser after this) and i was like oh this person definitely sees me as a man :)))) and like i was dumb enough to ask him about it and he said he was attracted to how “androgynous” i am 😭

like i don’t know i don’t actually hate the idea that sometimes during sex i should feel more fem and sometimes i should feel more masc like that’s kind of a pretty idea but i swear i’ve had some of my most dysphoric moments during it and like i will literally go nonverbal.

and ALSOOO like big thing i hate the way other trans women talk to me so much. like haha funny trans women are all horny but literally they just say deranged shit to me that i doubt they would say to a cis woman so quickly and it makes me feel so gross like how about u be nice to me for like 10 texts instead of talking about what u want to do to me!!!! and then i feel like i can’t even be mad at them because i’m like a prude or something and should just be comfortable with people saying deranged shit to me when i barely know them just because we are both trans???????????? like i get being down bad sexting is fun but it’s seriously like the lack of even seeing me as a person before they start that that makes me wanna cry

really i’m just exhausted and angry because whenever i yearn i feel like i have to do it correctly or else it will affect people’s perception of me and it’s so fucking annoying. i could be literally crazy and projecting my insecurities ig but also like, i don’t know i see that pattern with how people treat me 😭😭 like i just wanna like pretty boys who actually see me as a woman but it always feels so impossible!!!!!!!!

anyways this was entirely incoherent i’m sure i started points and didn’t finish them but i’m not reading any of this again before i post i am just sad methinks

[illnessfaker]

I was wondering, as someone who dislikes mind/body dualism, and suffers misogyny as an afab person, why don't you identify with your femaleness? And I know in your childhood you were socially punished for not being feminine enough, but that's something.... That can only happen to people who are perceived as female. Not as an accusation, it just seems like your worldview would lead to being a "dysphoric woman" or something like that

this seems like concern-trolling but i guess i'll humor you lol.

i don't think occurrences like my ostensibly cis and gender-conforming female peers in public school often staring at me weirdly for what i can only guess is the crime of using the same restroom as them (or existing in the same space as them in general, maybe) is something that can be considered "perceiving me as female." that's very much like, perceiving me as a "thing" that exists outside of womanhood. some kid standing up in the school cafeteria, pointing at me, and shouting "hey, it's a guy wearing girl clothes!" (along with other instances of anti-effeminacy) is not a case of being perceived as female, and i don't think that one requires explanation. it wasn't so much punishment for not being feminine enough so much as leaning more towards "why is this thing masquerading as a girl?" despite the sex i was assigned at birth.

my gender situation is as nebulous as everything else about me and genderfluid or bigender are labels that i apply to myself that, in a sense, include womanhood in them, but beyond not finding any comfort or sense of correctness in labeling myself as a woman or as female, i don't feel any significant kinship with cis women or non-binary women who were cafab. if they're overtly gnc i might feel a little but not enough because i imagine that, for example, butch cis women or non-binary butch women who were cafab find comfort in their masculinity and that is their preferred mode of existence. i do not have that same relationship to masculinity.

i feel slightly more kinship with trans women and non-binary transfeminine people due to overlap in experiences. i've only known a small number of trans men and transmasculine people who have similar relationships to femininity as me but i would say i feel the strongest kinship with that particular subset of transmasculine people (not transmasculine people as a whole because, as i said previously, I often do not have the same relationship to masculinity and manhood that they do.) i don't feel a significant amount of kinship with overtly gnc cis men either because they have a different relationship to manhood that i do at the end of the day.

i spent 2-3 years, i think, labeling myself as a non-binary woman who was cafab. that didn't take. it very much felt like trying to put a round peg in a square hole. at present, i am most comfortable and content understanding myself as feminine/effeminate and being genderless, genderfluid, bigender, genderqueer, androgynous, or w/e specific label i might use to express my complicated individual relationship with gender. i'm comfortable being seen as feminine but not as a feminine woman (or a woman in general.) i am not comfortable being seen as masculine or as a man, though i am slowly learning to love the traits i possess that might be seen as "masculine" such as my strong jawline, my shoulders, body hair, etc.

basically, what it comes down to is what i feel is the most accurate way to express how i view myself, how i want others to view me, and what groups i feel the most connection with in terms of gender experiences, and "dysphoric woman" (which is...a term i internally associate with transmisogyny) or non-binary woman simply aren't labels that fulfill any of that for me.

[saxophones]

What made you detransition or rather how did you realize you no longer identify as such? /gen

Well basically I went to a gender therapist per the recommendation of my regular therapist (who fully believed I was trans but she didn't feel comfortable prescribing HRT considering her lack of experience in the field). I had about 20 sessions with him and at one point after about 8 he said that based on the criteria for gender dysphoria he was prepared to write me a prescription for HRT but he wanted to know that I was comfortable with it. I realized I wasn't because giving up the possibility of having biological children hit me like a huge truck. I am aware that some trans men can get pregnant but it's not a sure thing for everyone and also the idea of being perceived as a pregnant man made me very uncomfortable (back then I would have said dysphoric, in reality I'm sure it was just the social stigma), more uncomfortable than the idea of being perceived as a pregnant woman. I am adopted and I have seen firsthand how hard it was for my mom to not have her own bio kids. She still feels sad about it even though I am enough for her. I had always planned on having kids and went through a phase when I was 15 or 16 where I was researching pregnancy in-depth. This should have been another sign I was cis lol.

Anyway so I told my gender therapist I wanted to wait and have a couple kids with a likeminded bisexual cis man or trans woman and then transition. We then spent several sessions talking about other things entirely. In my mind I still identified as a closeted trans man for another year or so but I only told my boyfriend at the time who was bi so he didn't care and I un-came out to my parents - told them it was just a phase and they were relieved. :(

While I was dating that guy, I had a huge crush on a different cis guy who was straight. With this straight guy I would fantasize about having a straight relationship and straight sex, and eventually I did start dating him but didn't really feel the desire to come out to him as trans. I felt weird about having come out to my old bf and I wished that I could just pretend to be a cis woman again to everyone I knew. At some point it occurred to me that while the obvious explanation for this is that trans identity is stigmatized, many trans people do feel relieved when they come out regardless, especially to people that are as supportive as my boyfriend and friends were. It instead occured to me that I wanted to present as a cis woman because I WAS a cis woman but I was still kind of throwing ideas around in my head, not sure what was going on.

Then I happened to go on the subreddit for OCD and they had a bunch of subreddits for specific obsessions listed in the sidebar. I didn't know what /r/tocd stood for so I checked it out and it turns out there is a pretty common subtype of OCD based on the persistent idea that you're trans despite no evidence for this or pre-existing desire to transition (I think the sub is /r/transOCD now). I read through a bunch of posts on there and it basically explained everything I had gone through in the past few years. It was an OCD-based intrusive thought like my old ideas about having to do every problem in the math textbook or having to wear purple to open my crown chakra. Unfortunately this one was spurred on by a bit of social pressure like those posts that are like, "If you even are thinking about being trans, that means you're trans, cis people don't think about this shit" and egg memes on Reddit. Obviously there is also social pressure to NOT be trans but when you've filtered your social circle so stringently that it doesn't include any bigots and therefore anyone who would pressure you to not be trans, the pressure to accept it if you're thinking about it can be stronger in reality.

Like I'm sure that a lot of people who wonder if they're trans are the real deal, a much higher number than the general population, but people with OCD should stay far away from ideas like "If you think about X you are X." OCD makes you fixate on completely random things that have nothing to do with reality, they're not necessarily things you're afraid of, just because you fixate on being trans doesn't mean you're afraid of trans people or dislike them - it just means it's something that your brain has decided to latch onto because it's stuck in a horrible anxiety loop. Maybe I was afraid of being a man in women's spaces and the anxiety that unconsciously provoked in them, or of never coming across as feminine enough, or of my hypersexuality meaning that I was some sort of failed woman. There may very well be a rational root of the obsession but unfortunately TERFs and other people skeptical of trans people existing at all will take that and spin it to be an explanation for everyone who identifies as FTM. I'm sure a lot of trans men had similar feelings to me growing up in a lot of areas but the difference is that they have male brains and I simply don't, they're happier being men socially and physically as much as possible and I am happy with the opposite. So I hope no one takes my personal experience out of its personal context. If you have any more questions feel free to ask and sorry for the novel :)

[gibbearish]

hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry

uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.

but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.

i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.

so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).

sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?

anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.

howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol

my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.

all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy

[callyypso]

I miss feeling like a part of the queer community. I used to be so happy to be a part of something but then I did something stupid and assumed something stupid because I thought because I was queer it was okay.

I can't really explain the situation but I feel so guilty for being this way. My love always feels like a sin. If I like girls it feels like a sin because we have the same bodies. If I like men it feels wrong because I feel like I'm one of them and part of being one of them is not feeling attracted to them.

No matter who I'm attracted to it always feels wrong. My attraction feels disgusting. It feels wrong. You would think that being afab that attraction to men would feel normal but it DOESN'T because I have such a DEEP DEEP NEED to be seen as a guy and guys don't get crushes on each other. No homo bro.

To fit in with male culture it feels like I can't be attracted to any of them but sometimes I am and it feels WRONG. It feels more wrong than my attraction to women, which also feels wrong but it's a "wrong" I can wrap my brain around. It feels wrong because I was brought up to think that way, but it's not! Women are beautiful and I love how different they are from me! I love that feeling!

But liking men feels so wrong because I feel like if I can't squash my attraction then "I'm not a real man". If I'm attracted to a guy in the friend group it feels like my "role" goes back to a feminine one and I DONT LIKE THAT FEELING!!!

THIS IS WHY I LOVED OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH--BECAUSE IT WAS A RELATIONSHIP THAT SHOWED EXACTLY HOW I WOULD WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!

They are both men who behave like men and are socialized as men and neither one has to take a "feminine" role to fall in love. I need to be able to fit in with male culture and I don't know how to contextualize attraction feelings with the very comfortable feeling of being "one of the guys". Feeling that attraction almost feels dysphoric because I feel like I'm being perceived as a girl even if I'm not.

I hate it. It's frustrating. All my attraction always feels like a sin there is no right way to love as a queer trans man and I'm SAD that I feel this way because I used to feel so much fucking joy in my identity.

And I know--i KNOW part of the problem is I'm trying to fit a heteronormative masculine mold that will never fit me because I'm queer. I'm trans and I will never be cis. I'm bi and I NEVER WAS and NEVER WILL BE straight.

I WILL NEVER BE A CIS MAN AND I HAVE TO GET OVER THAT. I CAN'T GO BACK AND BE REBORN AS A MAN. I CANT SUDDENLY UNDO ALL THE YEARS I WAS TREATED AS A WOMAN BY SOCIETY. I CANT FORGET THE EXPERIENCES I INTERNALIZED AS A GIRL BEFORE I HAD THE WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHY IT FELT DIFFERENT.

I am feeling so much dysphoria. I feel like I'll never be seen as a man. I feel like I will always be trapped in my body. I'll never get the money for top surgery so I can never fully pass. My hands will never be big enough. I will never have the angular masculine look I want. I'll never have a voice as deep as I want.

And under all of it is a deep, deep, deep fear that I'm faking it all. That I'm a straight cis girl pretending for attention or making shit up.

That I don't actually belong in the queer community and never did.

What if I'm a lie.

[oldtreeinanalley]

i find it interesting that i feel somewhat comfortable being perceived as a girl in russian spaces but in english spaces that makes me incredibly uncomfortable

also i never really feel dysphoric about my body on the daily, but that is probably linked to the fact that i am not really aware of my body as me. it's just kind of a thing that im in not something that i am

and sometimes i just forget that boobs are not the typical attribute for a guy, well i know it but it isnt clicking in my brain

but the moment i see shirtless guys in public my heart fills with rage amd jealousy and i want to cry and it's not even about the fact how unfair it is that female bodies are so sexualised but the fact that i cant look like that