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#so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms.
depresseddepot · 2 years
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so like. after i realized i had adhd it felt like my adhd got worse bc i was seeing symptoms everywhere, but it was really just bc i was paying full attention to it for the first time. now that i know i have autism too, it's doing the same thing, where i feel like its getting worse and harder to manage so i'm going to have to get really good at acting really quickly or i'm going to have to figure out how to not have a mental breakdown when my masking isn't working like it's supposed to
#i know nobody asked but. ive been out of sorts for the last month now#im also trying to keep this relatively light hearted but uh. uh! i don't know anymore if my personality is something i made up or not!#my sense of self is completely tied to my ability to mask and adapt to social situations i don't understand and it isn't working right now!#who am i outside of this construct!! bc right now i feel like im 10 years old again wearing the costume of a 21 year old!!!!#have i really not progressed past that!!!!!!! has all of my efforts just been to improve this fucking shell and not who i actually am!!!!#anyway. light hearted.#i hoping this is just exacerbated by current events and not like. the way my life will be from now on#i repressed that shit so desperately and hated myself so much i didn't even stop to think that maybe it was something i couldn't change#ive always been too slow at changing behaviors or too hard to understand etc etc#so i just repressed everything that was making me that way and somehow came to believe they were personal faults and not. u know. symptoms.#cant look anyone in the eye and am so tense in public settings i get exhausted right away from sheer exertion?#yeah that must be normal. im just a piece of shit who can't grow up and am so stupid my peers are passing me by ♡ /s#can't do anything new socially like making a phone call unless i see someone else do it first so i can copy their words and make a script?#yeah its definietly normal to have a social ability completely made up of patchwork quotes /s#and get paralyzed when someone asks something The Script can't answer bc you don't know how to use your own words#hmm. hmm! i hate myself (and i hate living here ♡)
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inficetegodwottery · 8 months
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So. Werewolf 5th Edition.
Werewolf 5th edition sucks. A lot.
Edit- I made some errors in my initial edit of this post that were fuelled entirely by being underinformed and almost insensible with anger, disappointment, and anxiety.
Some very informative responses have been made that I intend to incorporate into a much better and less rambling post with those updates and corrections. I'll probably delete this one soon as I type that one together, so folks only see the updated version.
Sorry for any mistakes I made on this old version, again, I was in an extremely poor place mentally and thoroughly dispirited by the total butchering of what was supposed to be a less shitty and mean-spirited version of a setting I care deeply for despite its foundational flaws and 30+ year history of exactly this thing happening.
I'm still very, very angry. But it's important to be angry and correct. This post was not made by someone informed of all the facts, and I intend to correct that.
Paradox Interactive has made the brave decision to reboot the controversial Werewolf the Apocalypse setting entirely rather than try and fix it, and have somehow done a worse job than the games studio that released an RPG book titled an ethnic slur.
It's taken me almost a month since this came out to be anywhere near mentally prepared enough to even collect my thoughts on it.
Man, it is rare to see an edition of ANYTHING that pisses off old players, new players, players who want to keep the lore the same, players who want to change the lore, conservative players, radical players, and even powergamers.
How do you set out with the intention of making an infamously dated and poorly researched/outreached setting LESS uncomfortable and racist from a modern perspective.... and end up with something EVEN MORE racist and uncomfortable, but also suffocatingly tonedeaf, insincere, and deeply sinister and corporate in its erasure of existing issues rather than addressing them whatsoever.
We made the Get of Fenris irredeemably evil because some of them in the past were nazis and also nazis like Germanic mythology, so the viking werewolves are all nazis now.
Okay, I understand why you did that from a modern political perspective even if its kind of heavy hand-
The Native American werewolf tribes have been removed entirely and replaced with American Murican werewolf tribes. Renaming and rewriting them to be more respectful was just too much work! Now they're more inclusive. :)
The Irish werewolf tribe is now the Nature Werewolves tribe, like every other tribe of Werewolves also is, but also stripped completely of celtic origins.
The Red Talons are openly genocidal ecofascist malthusians and somehow NOT IRREDEEMABLY EVIL like the Get of Fenris are.
Also the feminist all women werewolves are no longer all women or even feminist. AND ALSO SOME OF THEM ARE SOCIAL DARWINISTS AND THATS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING!?!
Also we entirely dropped the themes about how forcing children to be a part of a war they barely understand while also lying to them about the crimes their ancestors committed that led to the current crisis is fucked up and evil.
Now its actually awesome to be a child soldier born into a repressive apocalyptic death cult with a siege mentality and everything is cool about that actually, you're the Good Guys, and no amount of covered-up historic genocides or internal/external bigotry will ever change that! :)
Also we solved the way people were uncomfortable with the idea that werewolf society is transitioning messily from being horrible ableist assholes that discriminated for centuries against those they view as deformed, disabled, or sexual deviants to new generations that don't care about that stuff, by removing disabled werewolves entirely! Problem solved! No more discomfort or moral conundrums! We are the liberal-est!
There's just something so unbelievably fucked up and suspicious about erasing entire minorities from a fictional universe because they were handled poorly in the first edition, rather than talking to writers and outreach specialists FROM the real world equivalents to those minorities to try and rewrite them.
Don't worry, we removed the group the setting was bigoted against! Problem solved! Just remove the minority!
I've written my own post on why the Metis/Crinos-born should be renamed and probably rewritten, but as a severely disabled individual with multiple hereditary disabilities that severely impact my QoL, outright removing disabled characters in a work of fiction because the prejudice other characters showed them in-universe made people uncomfortable makes me want to tear out someone's throat with my teeth.
Sure, completely remove my ability to play disabled a character fighting back against prejudice and bigotry, rather than rewrite the most uncomfortable aspects of YOUR FUCKING PORTRAYAL OF THOSE CHARACTERS to make it more clear who the sympathetic one is supposed to be.
It's just so unbelievably cowardly and whinging and wretched.
So fuck it, I guess!
Fuck the deeply applicable themes of being born into a well-intentioned but deeply flawed and bigoted society, and trying to create the better world your parents always told you your ancestors fought for, while dealing with the fact that your world is built on mass graves those ancestors helped fill.
Fuck a game that deals with intergenerational trauma and the ethical hellscape that is a highly religious society devoted to the very same ideals it often violates just to win fights against the enemies it created through its own arrogance and prejudice.
Fuck a game that lets you play someone born different, born strange and sickly, bouncing constantly between people who pity you and people who view you as subhuman, before finally finding the people, the family who love and accept and fight alongside you for a world that has never accepted you, but WILL FUCKING KNOW YOUR NAME.
That's not relevant to the real world at all!
There are no kids born in deeply flawed and hypocritical societies, who grew up on stories of the glorious future their society would create, forced then to reconcile the hopeful dreams of a better world with the comprehensive list of horrific things done in the name of that future.
There are no children born confused and alone in their navigation of the maze that is past atrocities, ethnic conflicts, religious prejudice and dogma, or modern propaganda attempting to erase the histories of all of those things.
There are no disabled teens who spent their lives believing they didn't belong in the world, kept going only by the connections they forged with other outsiders and people who fought back against the kind of wretched bigotry that suffocates children to death, who found homes and families they could trust outside the pissant communities they were born into.
Apparently those people don't need a game! They don't need to explore those feelings!
Just throw some more nazis in, so we can pretend we care about social issues or understand the redeeming threads of a deeply flawed gameline, ostensibly so we market it to leftist youngsters, but while we also erase the entire point of a game WHICH IS ALL ABOUT BEING PUNKASS YOUNGSTERS DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND THE REDEEMING THREADS OF A DEEPLY FLAWED AND PREJUDICED SOCIETY THAT CONSTRAINS THEM, FINDING A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST BOTH THE EVILS OF THE RACIST BASTARDS WHO RAISED THEM AND THE POMPOUS SHITHEADS WHO WANT TO DESTROY THE WORLD OUT OF GREED.
No! We want a squeaky clean, sterile white game that AmericanTM parents can be proud of their kids for playing! A marketable game, that advertisers will gladly pay Revenue to put their products in! Play the good guys, everyone! You're the good guys! Be a big werewolf UwU!
Don't worry about historical atrocities or the flaws of the society that raised you! That's Pentex propaganda!
Fighting bad guys means you can't do anything bad yourself! The Emperor told me so! Deus Gaia Vult!
A hollow, performative, offensive jizzstain that should've been scrapped in its crib. I have no idea how this edition got past a quality assurance team.
Hell I have no idea how it got past a legal team, given the number of real peoples' likenesses they used without permission.
Devoid of artistic integrity or merit.
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capobegone · 1 year
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What I think Kny Character’s Spiritual Realms would look like
Alright, we all remember the spiritual realms of Kyojuro and the Kamaboko crew:
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I was thinking about these the other day, and it got me wondering: if Enmu somehow had a way to get into the mind of the other main figures of the Demon Slayer Corps…what would their spiritual realms look like??
And this is what I came up with!
Kagaya: just a giant, epic library. His spiritual core would be a Regina music box, if you’ve ever seen one of those. Like the core would be the disc itself. I have no explanation for this other than it would be sick as hell. The guardian would be his childhood self before he became Oyakata-sama, like in the lil kimono and everything. I think he’s the type to have some level of awareness over his own consciousness, so it would make sense to have a manifestation of himself.
Gyoumei: Mountain clearing with bigass, thunderous waterfalls. Kind of like where they did his Hashira Training! His spiritual core would be inside of a humble little temple. Protected by big stone statues.
Muichiro: Essentially a bit of a void. Very foggy and nearly impossible to navigate. However, I believe that his spiritual core would actually be nice, probably in a little pocket of peaceful forest among the fog. I think it would be a nice autumn forest, like his childhood home. Because his true self is essentially lost in his subconscious, I think that would be reflected in his spiritual core. Maybe a manifestation of himself as a child—or maybe of Yuichiro instead? Who’s to say?
Giyuu: I think his spiritual realm would be unexpectedly pleasant. A nice lake like the ones on Mt Sagiri, maybe in early spring. His spiritual core would be protected by Sabito. Not necessarily Sabito’s actual spirit, but a manifestation of him that Giyuu holds dear to his heart and soul.
Shinobu: Shinobu’s spiritual realm would probably be quite a sad place. I would imagine some rubble and calamity due to all of the anger she represses in there. However, there would also be beauty in the wreckage. Little butterflies, medicinal plants, etc. I could see her spiritual core as being quite strong, seeing as she is one of the best at holding herself together and hiding her true emotions out of all the Hashira.
Obanai: I think his spiritual core would be very gentle. Under all the layers of awful self loathing and “cursed blood”, he’s really just a boy who wants to be loved. I do think it would be pretty well guarded, though—my first instinct is big dark forest, although I’m not totally sure why. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got a giant serpent in there to protect it. (Bonus: Kaburamaru’s spiritual realm is probably a peaceful little tree, like the one that he and bestie Obanai hang out in for Pillar meetings. I think he would like to drape himself over the branches if he could.)
Mitsuri: Cherry trees. Absolutely 100% cherry trees. Like, you know that scene in season 2 where Kagaya is talking to Tengen and his wives by the cherry tree with that pretty bridge? Yeah, just like that. I think Mitsuri’s would be similar to Tanjiro’s in that it doesn’t have anything guarding it. She has so much love to give to everyone, and is so willing to trust other people, that I really think her spiritual realm would be very joyous and open to visitors!
Tengen: Big time fireworks. Super flashy. Would probably give any intruder a seizure from all of the unbridled flamboyance, which serves as protection on its own. I’m getting nighttime city summer festival from him, but bumped up about ten notches.
Sanemi: His outer realm would be TERRIFYING. I feel like his feral ass would be like Zenitsu and manifest in his own subconscious to torment any intruders. My gut says mountain setting, terrible weather, being hunted by an enraged Wind Pillar. Yikes. At his very core, though, I think there would be a little pocket of light. This is where he stores all of his love for his brother and lost family, which he never allows to see the light of day.
Nezuko: I wonder if hers would be different because she’s a demon? Based off all of her interpretations of the world in relation to her lost family, I think that her spiritual core would be similar to her childhood home in the mountains. Perhaps her human consciousness would reside there, hidden away in the subconscious realm like Muichiro.
Anyway, that’s what I’ve got for now!! Let me know if I forgot any of your favs or if y’all have any ideas because I wanna hear them✨
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leahkenobi · 1 year
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between the crosshairs
frank castle x fem!reader
word count: 2k
summary: you did everything possible to forget the day that the devil of hell’s kitchen and frank castle had saved you. somehow, even your own repression of memories wasn’t enough to keep you safe from enemy arms.
warnings: allusions to sa, guns, kidnapping, reader witnesses a murder, mentions of blood, anxiety, mostly just cannon typical stuff, frank calls reader baby but relationship is undefined
a/n: alright. i’m not gonna act like i’m great at this whole keeping up with a blog thing, it can be quite a struggle for me. but i just got POUNDED with ideas for mr. frank castle thanks to @oliviajdjarin telling me to watch daredevil. so here this is. this is set during the daredevil s2 finale!
a/n 2: to preface this fic if you are reading this, i’m intending to turn this into a bit of a universe if that makes sense. like multiple fics within the same setting and relationship situation. idk. no promises, but that’s the intention. so i suppose this is the first part. if you would like to join the frank tag list lmk and i would be happy to add ya!
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the walk home from josie’s was brisk and lonely. the snow was just beginning to flutter down and the wind was whipping it in your face. it was a safe journey you had trekked time and time again.
you stepped over broken glass and other littered items on the side walk and as muscle memory took over, your mind drifted.
he couldn’t be dead, truly, could he? if he wasn’t, where was he? was he safe now?
since the day frank had saved you from the hands of a kitchen irish member, he had been the only thing on your mind. granted, he had help from the devil of hell’s kitchen, but frank was who you always went back to. the way he had soothed you, the way he had taken care of those men who had tried to hurt you, who had tried to take something from you-
you snapped from the memories at the sound of glass crunching behind you. it wasn’t abnormal for others to be walking this street at the late hour, it had happened plenty of times. you moved in unison for a while until the steps behind you increased in speed.
you kept moving, increasing your pace as well, assuming that it was just someone in a hurry. surely they weren’t following you, right?
as the mysterious person on your tail increased their speed even more to match your own, you stuck your hand into your bag, fishing through it for the little pink pepper spray you bought before you had moved to the city.
you risked a peek over your shoulder to see a man with a black ski mask covering his face, and the only thought that came to mind was fuck, you could really use frank right now.
you stopped on the side walk, knowing that running was pointless. you would never outrun this man in heels, and if you could find that damn pepper spray and hit him with it, you could have a chance.
you pulled it out, turning to spray him just as he pulled out his gun, pointing it right at your chest.
your panic rose instantly. even during your altercation with the kitchen irish, a gun was never pointed at you. a whimper nearly left your throat as the man spoke to you.
“drop that fucking pepper spray, don’t say a word, and don’t fight. come easily and quietly, and we won’t have a problem,” the man said to you.
you didn’t release the pepper spray. you tried to push it down, tried to get it to work but the damn thing was jammed-
“i said drop it. drop it now, come with me. now,” the man said with force. every part of your body screamed at you to run, to fight, to do anything to keep this man at bay.
but he took a step closer, bringing the gun right to your chest, right over your heart.
“now,” he repeated. and the pink pepper spray clattered to the ground.
————————————
you were taken to a van filled with others just like you, others that had bound hands and terror written on their faces.
on the trip to wherever these kidnappers, or human traffickers, or murderers (hell you didn’t know) were taking you, an older man tried to stand up for himself, for all of you there. only to be shot through the head.
the fear you felt in that moment was inexplicable. your whole body was burning, your ears unhearing, your eyes watering and your mind running circles. this wasn’t real, this wasn’t real, it wasn’t real-
but it was. it was real and you were here in a van filled with screaming people and the smell of copper was filling the air and the blood was pooling around you.
and then you were being thrown out of the van, onto the cold concrete, knees scraping against it. only to be hauled up again and chased into a building, gun held to your lower back.
all sense of reality was pulled from under you. all you could think was survive survive survive. so you didn’t scream. you weren’t a nuisance. as they threw you into a room, you didn’t cry, you didn’t so much as flinch.
because the less you reacted, the less likely they were to kill you. when the kind looking blonde woman and the beat up man were being targeted by your captors, while they attempted to cut the man’s foot off, you sat stoically. completely unflinching, unmoving as the man screamed and the woman begged and the screams of others filled the room-
and then he was bursting through the window. the devil of the kitchen was here again, to save you all, to get you out. as he took out the men with guns, the other captives ran. as you remained on the ground, hardly thinking anything of the scene, the blonde woman grabbed your bound hands with her own. she shouted at you.
“get up, cmon get up,” she said frantically. her voice pulled you from your stupor, igniting you instinct to survive. she would lead you out, you would survive.
and you did. you made it out. you watched as the blonde woman went to her friend or boyfriend or brother, whoever he was.
you stood there in the middle of the street, unsure of what to do now. you were out, but your mind couldn’t move quick enough. you needed to go- get somewhere safe, but where? and how? where even were you?
your breathing rate must have increased because the nice man with the blonde woman approached you.
“hey, are you alright miss?” he asked.
you breaths kept coming out fast and labored.
“that’s okay, you don’t have to answer. my name is foggy, and that woman over there is karen,” he spoke softly, “can i cut these off of you?”
you nodded firmly, you needed out, needed free, needed to be away from here.
your hands were free, and slowly your breathe came back to you. you had needed the added freedom to move as you wished, and not feel like a captive, apparently.
“do you have a family?” karen asked, her voice kind and gentle.
you shook your head, “no, i-i not here.”
“that’s okay,” she said smiling faintly, “what about a boyfriend, or husband. maybe any friends?”
you shook your head. you had one friend, one who was unreliable, but somehow always there when you needed him. he had always been there, but he was gone now.
“alright, we can take you home,” she said, looking to foggy for help and confirmation. but his gaze was fixed elsewhere, focused in on the roof where some sort of fight was breaking out.
shots were heard by all of the people who were flooded in the street. loud, piercing gun shots. panic swelled in your chest once more, not sure of where the shooter was aiming.
but the shooter would never aim at you. no, that was his girl down there, his girl stood in between that lawyer and the blonde who he’d met through him.
that was his girl he saw in his crosshairs, shaking in the street, wrists bloody and red.
“y/n?” he muttered to himself quietly on the roof.
he wanted to run to you. right now, he wanted to jump from these buildings, climb down, get to you. you were bleeding and he needed to get to you, to keep you safe, protect you-
but he couldn’t. because he was dead. he was dead and he couldn’t just run into the bustling street filled with cops and strangers who had all known him as the punisher.
he couldn’t do anything as you were coaxed into a car with the lawyer and karen. he couldn’t get down there to stop the car, to get to you.
but he could meet them at the location. he could find you again. they would probably bring you home or to their office, maybe even karen’s apartment. he would find you, search all over this goddamn city to get to you.
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karen spoke with you softly in the car, asking about where you lived and where you worked. you could hardly focus on what she saying to you, confused about why she needed to know what you did for a living. you couldn’t understand that she probably was trying to figure out who to call to check in on you- even if it was just a coworker, you needed someone right now.
eventually, you reached your home. foggy and karen helped you inside your apartment, carefully walking you up all the stairs to the quaint studio style living space.
as soon as you reached your door, you pulled out your spare key from under the welcome mat and began to turn it in the lock.
“um.. thank you for helping me and bringing me home. that was… that was very kind,” you said to the two of them.
foggy gave you a nod. “it was no problem, honestly. i’m just glad we’re both okay,” karen said. you couldn’t understand how you had both been in the same situation and you could hardly function while she was here, bringing you home. how you had both seen that man get shot, how you had both been in that room-
she cleared her throat. “here, why don’t you give me your phone so i can give you my number. that way if you need anyone, you have me to text or call,” karen said.
“okay,” you nodded softly and gave her your phone, cracked from having been in your pocket.
“try to get some rest,” karen said after entering her number and turning to leave.
“i’ll try,” you responded politely, knowing just how unlikely that was. these past few days had been too much. with frank, with work, with this now too, you couldn’t take anymore.
“g’night,” foggy shouted as he climbed down the stairs with karen.
you didn’t even have the energy to respond.
you pushed open the door to your apartment, ready to collapse on the ground instead of attempting to get to your bed. it was all too much, you just needed to lay down for a while.
as you closed the door behind you, your back turned to the room, you heard a voice you never thought you would hear again.
“y/n,” frank said.
you whipped your head. and there he was, standing in the middle of the room waiting for you. expecting you.
“frank?” you questioned, knowing the answer, knowing he was there, right there.
“frank,” you said again, moving in closer, a slight whine in your tone.
“frank,” you said once more as he crashed into you, holding you together as you sobbed into him, as all of the pieces you were holding together while those nice people brought you here fell apart.
“oh y/n,” he said, pulling you impossibly closer, his jacket brushing against your tee.
“please,” you said, not even sure what you were asking for at this point.
“shh shh shh,” frank whispered, “it’s going to be okay, i’m here now, i’m here.”
you clung to him, the fabric of his coat bunched under your hands. he was here now. it would be okay.
“i won’t let them hurt you again, y/n. i swear,” he said.
you only sobbed into him harder.
hours could have passed, but you would have had no idea. all you could feel was him, his body holding you up. his presence keeping you safe.
“i’ve got you now, baby,” frank said, gently pulling you off of him to look at your face. his callused hands met your soft face, brushing away the tears that hadn’t quite stopped falling.
“let me see,” he said, grabbing a hold of your hands and wrists.
he inspected them, raw and bloody from the restraints.
he tutted. “what did they do to you?” he spoke more to himself than to you.
he brought you to edge of the sink, lifting you with ease onto the counter. he examined your knees while he had you sat up there. bloody with bits of gravel, he knew that cleaning those cuts wouldn’t be fun.
“i’ll take care of you, y/n. i got you,” he assured again, and all you could do was lean your tired head against his shoulder.
taglist:
@oliviajdjarin
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shackleton2 · 7 months
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I'm working on this fic where I'm trying to write an emotionally dark take on post-Winter-Soldier recovery, where Steve & Co capture Soldier-Bucky right after the events of Insight, when he's still almost entirely in the grips of Hydra's programming.
I loved this Sebastian Stan quote someone shared on here: “That’s why he doesn’t kill him. That’s why he saves him. That end scene to me was always like: ‘I don’t know what this is, I just know I’m supposed to do this right now. Whatever this is, I’m supposed to protect this for some reason.” I love the heartbreaking urge to protect Steve being impossible to erase or repress despite everything, but what stands out for me is also that this confirms what his expression and act of walking away seem to say on the riverbank: he has no idea what the hell is going on. His brain didn't go "OMG STEVE" and switch him back over to Bucky Barnes in that incredible final moment on the helicarrier—the wall of programming just got its first tiny crack.
It drives me crazy that the Soldier walks away after saving Steve—he wants to know why he saved him, how he knows him, obviously, but he walks away from the simplest way to find those answers-STAY WITH STEVE, drink hot chocolate under blankets with steve!! It also drives my fangirl heart crazy what a stubborn resilient competent independent SOB post-WS Bucky is. He doesn’t trust anyone and he doesn’t want anyone to own him ever again.
He’s got conflicting lines of thought that lead to the same conclusion: He’s programmed to kill Steve, those are his final standing orders, and obeying orders is all he knows. If he wants to keep Steve safe on some level, he knows that won’t be with him, because of those orders, because Hydra owns him. On the other hand, if he’s realized that Hydra is his enemy, he also knows that SHIELD is Hydra, and Cap is affiliated with SHIELD, and thus can’t be trusted to keep Hydra away from him. And/or he disobeyed orders and abandoned his mission, and he doesn’t know why, but he does know the consequences for doing that, and thus has a lot of resentment for the guy that made him do so.
To be clear, I love the Bucky Barnes character and I think any narrative that casts him as a reformed villain who needs to make up for his past actions is bullshit. He is a victim, not only of what was done to him, but also what he was forced with zero agency to do. Having said that, I’m also totally riveted by the Winter Soldier as a bad guy, a threat, a killer. In the MCU movies he goes off after the Insight debacle and somehow deprograms himself all alone, and the next time we see him in Civil War he’s got his sense of himself as Bucky pretty much back—he’s in control of his actions, he knows his and Steve’s history, and he doesn’t want to hurt people. I’m stuck on what else the story could have been instead of the hand-wave transition from brainwashed murderer to Steve Rogers’ loyal friend. The only traumatic encounters with the Soldier Steve experiences are those in the movie where he’s actively trying to kill him, which that’s definitely bad enough for poor Steve—but what about traumatic emotional encounters? What about Steve Rogers trying to talk and reach his friend, but the person he’s talking to is the Soldier immediately post-Insight, still mentally in Hydra’s possession much more than his own?
Anyway one day this little scene came to me and I'm building this WIP, including these notes, around it. Successfully? Who knows, not me.
He regarded Steve through the glass with a hint of curiosity. His voice was soft and quiet. “Why do you come?”
Steve leaned forward and tried to meet those icy eyes. He couldn’t help it. “You’re my friend. You might not remember me, but I will always be your friend.”
The Soldier tilted his head, still questioning. “That’s why you come here?” Every day, Steve thought he heard unspoken; he wasn’t sure whether Bucky registered his presence at all some days, but maybe every instance was recorded in his mind. Maybe not. What happened to a supersoldier brain when it incurred severe sustained deliberate damage was a riddle they were just beginning to examine.
Steve was determined to be steadfast, but there was little he could do to calm the intensity of what he felt. He wanted Bucky to ask these things, because he wanted him to know these things, and he would tell him again and again forever in the hope he would one day believe him and then remember himself.
“I’m here because I want to know how you’re doing. I want you to know I’m here. I’ll come every day unless you tell me honestly you don’t want me to.”
Still the cocked head, the mystified expression. “You come because…he was your friend.”
He leaned in an inch more and found his forehead touching the glass. “You’re my friend. You are Bucky Barnes. You were born in 1917 and we grew up together. You are a good man. What happened to you…was wrong, and I will do everything I can to make it better, for the rest of my life. That’s a promise.”
The cocked head straightened and it looked like some kind of comprehension dawned. He was looking at Steve in a way he couldn’t remember Bucky ever looking before, and after wondering for a few moments Steve realized it was pity on his face.
“You think he’s here.” The look of pity intensified. “You think you...can talk. To him.”
Steve swallowed. “I…I know he is. I don’t know how to convince you it’s true, but I swear it. We played together as kids and then we grew up and lived together and then the war came and we fought together. And now we’re here. I know you don’t remember, Bucky, but there’s no way I’m giving up on you, even if you never do. I know you. I’ve known you as long as I can remember.”
On the other side of the glass Bucky’s expression had settled into the blank resignation the Soldier often wore. He licked his lips, an oddly human gesture that hurt Steve’s heart, and then said, with what might have been an attempt at gentleness, “Your friend. Is gone.”
Steve took a moment, felt his forehead press a little harder on the glass. “If he’s gone, who am I talking to?”
“What,” the Soldier corrected, and then answered, “Hydra.”
He was going to need a lot of punching bags later. “Emotions don’t help,” Natasha had told him, brisk and flint-hard the way she was when she was being kind. “Men think they understand this, but they don’t. Understand it.”
Steve was beginning to understand. He didn’t howl or pound on the glass or leave to find a fight. Instead he swallowed again and asked with a calm that shocked him, “So you…believe in Hydra? In what they do?”
“The Soldier is the fist of Hydra. Weapons don’t believe. They do not need to. The Winter Soldier. Is. Hydra.”
That was the most the Soldier had spoken in one go.
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fraterfalls · 4 months
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Hi, I'm new to Blood Brothers AU and I was curious about it. Can you explain about it or show me where I can see the best explanation about it?
ohhh, dear asker, the rabbit hole i'm about to send you down... >:)
alright let me try and explain it in the most coherent way possible, it's late at night BUT i will try my best!!!
explanation under the cut!
(in general, if you're new to the bb au like this asker and trying to find your way around this overwhelming hell of an au we've concocted, i recommend you start here :D)
wow. i tried SO HARD to make this a semi-concise explanation and YET it somehow turned into a mini-fic in itself towards the end there. sighhh... (lol even still, have fun reading!)
first thing's first i need to tell you aboutttt
The Parallel World / "Better World".
in journal 3, ford mentions visiting a parallel dimension in which stan never pushed him into the portal, and instead took his journal and hid it as ford had requested.
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^ some screenshots to give you the basic gist of what's going on in that dimension, everything you need to know for the time being. you can read more about it on internet archive if you like
at some point in august i reread this part of journal 3 and became obsessed with the idea of a parallel dimension. i also noticed that apart from mentioning how he never pushed ford into the portal and took the journal in this world, parallel stan is just... not really brought up. at all. ...which opens up some interesting possibilities.
as you can probably guess, this dimension features in the blood brothers au! in my interpretation, the reason stan was never mentioned is because after leaving with ford's journal, he never came back, just seemingly disappeared off the planet. parallel ford... has not been handling this well (and a certain bastard triangle only serves to play up his worst fears!), and because he has such a large student body to attend to and take care of and protect, he represses his issues, buries them under layers and layers of work and responsibilities. nobody even knows he has a brother...
not even his nephew and niece, dipper and mabel. however, they're observant as all hell. as secretive as ford is, they see past his little white lies, they see how he doesn't eat properly and falls asleep at his desk and laughs nervously when someone asks if he's alright. (i haven't talked much about the role they play in this au on tumblr, but rest assured i'll be elaborating more on it in my upcoming fic that may come out sometime within... um... the next few months to the next few decades. they're still the same old mystery twins we know and love, except now they've set their sights on figuring out what their grunkle ford is hiding. very Not What He Seems reminiscent)
alright, now that i've mostly covered the parallel world, time to move on to:
The Portal Stan AU
while i was obsessing over the Better World, a parallel dimension/"alternate universe" which already exists in canon, i started thinking about another AU which is fairly popular in the gravity falls fandom: the portal stan AU. in which stan, rather than ford, gets sent into the portal. thought it was a fantastic concept ever since i first saw it, because it opens so many doors for interesting characterization and also some good ol' angst (and later a healing arc, of course). portal stan has, after all, spent 40 or so years without a solid family base or anyone to care for him. and i can imagine that in those 30 years he spent dimension-hopping, his only thought was to return to his home dimension and see ford again. yes, he was furious and frustrated when they had that last argument, but surely in hindsight he saw how paranoid and jittery ford had been throughout their meeting. he would want to get back and make sure his brother was safe as soon as possible.
and then i had the thought which kicked off this entire au:
what if portal stan fucked up and somehow stumbled upon the parallel dimension while searching for a way home? what if portal stan and parallel ford... MET?
portal stan sees parallel ford and his situation and comes to the conclusion that, without him in the way, ford would flourish. parallel ford sees portal stan and comes to the conclusion that no matter the universe, he somehow manages to destroy stan's life just by being in it. even just knowing that the other exists exacerbates their own insecurities. IT'S SO AWFUL AND SO PERFECT.
also, portal stan couldn't be more desperate to get out of the parallel dimension- partly because he hates the reminder that ford would be better off without him, but mostly because he wants to see his real brother again. however, parallel ford has other plans for him. he's been in denial about the true fate of his own brother for a long time now, but he sees this version of stan and decides he can't afford to let go of him. (his own mental state is too fragile to accept the idea of losing stan again, even if this isn't his own stan. he already let go of him once after the WCT fiasco, and again after the journal incident. thrice is... thrice is too much.)
you may also be thinking "hey, smart guy, i actually DID read that screenshot you posted above while explaining the parallel dimension. it said parallel ford and fiddleford constructed a little something called a Vortex Neutralizer which allows for safe, bill-free multiversal travel. couldn't portal stan just use that to get out of there?"
yeaaah, parallel ford doesn't tell him about that!
he will do almost anything to keep stan with him. he is sinking his claws into that man begging him not to leave-
and stan hates him for it. tears into him with insult after insult. he can't stand this ford, why's he acting like he doesn't have everything he could ever want? (except, of course, he doesn't really hate him. after all, this is still stanford pines, maybe not his ford but he's certainly a ford. same old easily excitable nerd he used to tease back in high school. but stan still has his own ford to attend to, one who needs him more than anything... probably... hopefully, so he shuts out the part of him which is growing fond of parallel ford. tells himself not to think too much about this one. he hardly even knows him. he shouldn't have to bother.)
-
and yeah that's. i think that's enough information to take in in a single post. there's still plenty more going on with the au that i haven't touched on here, but hey that's just the premise! i would link you to more specific posts which will help you further acquaint yourself with the au, but it's. it's 2am and i am incredibly sleepy, so instead i will simply provide you with the link to the blog archive, where you can look at all the posts on here without having to scroll endlessly trying to find specific things. enjoy!!!
if you have any more questions DON'T BE AFRAID TO COME BOTHER ME ABOUT IT !!! i loved answering this ask... <3 been meaning to rewrite a better AU Premise Post than the one i made back in august anyway lol
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24 and 25 for Arthur?
I feel like the answer to 24 might be "nothing, he thinks he's perfect," but I'm very curious. And if there is an answer, I'd be curious to see how it compares to 25.
(Also, if you ever want to expand on the "Francis responds to pain with rage" thing I would be DESPERATELY INTERESTED. I would never have thought of it but somehow it makes perfect sense.)
(Also also, I still have to send you a thing for the latest chapter of the Danegeld Axe!!!! It was amazing and nearly killed me, I've just been very tired and when I'm tired my brain doesn't like articulating things. But I have this next week off so I will do it soon!!!)
24) What they wish they could change about themselves
I feel like this is giving him way too much credit for how self-reflective he is, but christ he wishes he was better at the tender things in life. Save for kneeling beside a death bed, he's hardly ever expressed emotion in a way that wasn't traumatizing for all those involved without using a quote from Shakespeare. And his best moments as a man and father, friend or partner are either exceedingly dual purpose, ungodly awkward or... human. He has this wonderful, sublime language with more words than most and hardly ever uses it to its full potential in a kind way. He's so sharp-tongued that when his passions are up, someone will get cut down. Whether that be by speech or by sword is the only variability. He's an expert at cutting people down to size and much less so at doing anything to build them back up.
25) What other people wish they could change about them
The first word that came to mind was 'everything.' But the big one is just how... realistic the man is. He is one shitty third of an island at the edge of the world's largest continent who then went and conquered a quarter of the known world and controlled far more of it. Everything is a resource to him. His children are incredibly dear but they are also projections of his power and reserve battery packs of it. There's a part of him that is genuinely deluded by his own arrogance but he's also much less morally befuddled than say, Alfred, who genuinely believes the shit that comes out of his mouth. Arthur's bloodtype may as well be realpolitik. Jack especially liked to dress things up when he's little, and kind of disdains Arthur and too a far lesser extent Matt for how little they actually believe in things like democracy and liberty and equality. Well at least until he came back from Gallipoli. But man its the repression. It all boils down to the repression.
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realbeefman · 3 months
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Your foreman takes are always SO CORRECT and it's a fucking DELIGHT to me. You get it!! He's been my ABSOLUTE fave for a loooong time but somehow I never really came across much analysis of him so reading your posts and tags is like being a shark that's drifted full of hunger for nearly 20 years and FINALLY found some delicious crunchy fishies. I'm EATING your insights yum yum yum chomp chomp
AHHHHH this is the absolute highest compliment to me. i’ve always been a foreman fanatic if secretly but i feel like something has really clicked in my mind where now i UNDERSTAND why i like his hypocritical guilt-riddled self. i never see any analysis of him either… i think it’s because if you surface-level read him he is a deeply boring individual. because he kind of IS boring!! his life is deeply boring even though he does work for house!!! but this makes me love him even more because he’s trying so hard to be normal but because he’s deeply repressed he only has one outlet that genuinely emotionally fulfills him. he’s a control freak who can’t win in this one part of his life and it’s the ONLY place he ever actually feels genuinely happy!!! he makes himself miserable and THAT’S why he’s so boring because he doesn’t do anything because doing things opens himself up to feeling anything other than how he currently does and he needs to be in control of everything, even his own emotions, and it’s not that he’s consciously TRYING to be miserable and boring but he’s trying to be safe and it’s slowly slowly killing him. he’s miserymaxxing and he doesn’t even consciously REALIZE IT!!! house is AWARE that he’s miserable and depressed and he tries to cope with it (albeit mostly in very self destructive ways) but foreman is so out of touch with himself that he’s just. like a caterpillar that crawled into a cockoon and never emerged.
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tofu-gaycat · 2 months
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This is the time to talk how exactly compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) affected me and in what ways trough my life, this is more of an intro post and a personal story.
When I was young I was always told that “guys should look after me and will pay attention to me eventually, that will make me happier and just be essential with time”. Even back then I didn’t understand what so cool about dating a guy? What makes him so special and why each girl should do this somehow? That it brings kids? Isn’t our planet already overpopulated? Some people can be child free? Even when I was small I didn’t really care for this “aspect of happiness” and therefore wasn’t affected compulsory heterosexuality due to my young age and attitude - I didn’t see my future where I settle down with a man.
Everything has changed when I thought I caught a first crush for a guy since everyone around me already did and it so cool. It wasn’t cool and it wasn’t a crush in the first place, it was a first example of attraction I needed to unconsciously fit in. After this I’ve developed another one-funny how both of guys were unavailable and of course ones I made in my head. Back then I couldn’t even bring myself to a thought that it was comphet. After I’ve finally came with terms that I was lesbian all along (May of 2022) and was repressing my attraction to women, I explained it as an attraction to men didn’t feel so real as it is to women, plus I’ve never had an attraction to men who were available and ones who were available were pushed away by me (literally lol). Even when I did so I couldn’t give it a name and just thought it was my unique experience and people don’t usually deal with it…I was wrong.
In one of my previous posts I shared a lesbian doc: it says that having attraction to unavailable men (fictional and ones unavailable irl) not seeing your future with a man and just feeling as this attraction is forced - is a huge sign of comphet (you can read it for yourself).
However, the story doesn’t end here since trough those almost 2 years I couldn’t live without having a damn crisis. I went back and forth from lesbian to bisexual - all due to same reason and wanting “to fit in” aka being forced into standards by compthet- the past issue like this is no easy to fight with even after years of being sure. I’ve never in my life felt legitimately sexually and romantically attracted to men. I can recall liking several girls and women and it felt real and not forced. Funny enough how despite getting romantic attraction almost never - I felt it for woman anyway. So all my “crises” ended in their own when I recall that comphet is still there and can affect anyone so it’s important to outline an issue so your true self won’t have to hide away.
In the end, I believe that it takes a while to spot and realise your comphet, how to fight with it and seek similar experiences. Don’t worry - being a lesbian is beautiful and no one should tell you otherwise <3
P.s I will make more posts about my exact experience with it so stay tuned!
👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Love for y’all, stay safe👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽
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Meme by @louvainisntacity
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jason's stressed.
well, perhaps stressed isn't the right word. he has trouble admitting it to himself much less anyone else and that's exactly why he's staring at kyle, draped across his chest, like a creep.
just before kyle's mission jason had the strangest thought.
they were sitting in his living room. jason on the couch with a book and a tea on a table next to him, kyle a bit further with paint on his hands and cheeks as he created another masterpiece. there's a soft melody in the background and it's peaceful in a way it only ever is with kyle.
and jason thinks that it wasn't supposed to happen.
the peace.
warm and loving and made out of feelings so sincere - of feelings he once thought were unreal.
it wasn't supposed to happen, he thinks, there was pain which lead to even more pain which lead to death.
and there wasn't supposed to be anything after that.
but somehow there is.
huh.
there was pain and death, but now there's peace, warmth and... love. such pure and sincere he sometimes worries it will leave the same way it came.
across the room kyle starts humming the melody that's filling the room. it was such a minor thing in the background and now it's all he can focus on. he relaxes back into the couch and reads.
“In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”
and oh.
i love you, he thinks, marry me.
and suddenly he's so terrified.
he was sure it would pass by the time kyle came back from space.
and then he catches himself thinking about what ring would suit kyle best. if he would cry or laugh.
he doesn't notice just yet, but not even for a moment does he wonder if kyle will agree. like it's obvious, like it can't end in a way other than a "yes".
the fear doesn't leave, not really. it's there, but - jason thinks - it has always been there.
and it's no longer about losing what he has now.
god only knows kyle is too stubborn and too loving for that.
no, he's not afraid of losing kyle.
rather, about how much he wants it. craves it, longs for it. he's terrified of how much he loves him.
so clearly, the decision was already made for him.
then he remembers. a memory, a small store in saudi arabia and jason is across the country before any of his siblings can react. he's back the next week with a small box in his pocket and is sure, absolutely sure that this is it.
it's so much bigger than anything he has ever done.
when kyle returns there's a feast waiting for him. after that, he insists he's not tired and jason stares for a long, long moment before thinking one intense "fuck it" and dragging him out of the apartment.
they end up on a field and suddenly jason has no idea what to do.
so kyle, the love of his life, puts his arms around his shoulders, leans on him and hums the same melody that played in his apartment that day.
and jason thinks that this is actually the end. because there's just simply nothing else. there was nothing before kyle and there will be nothing after him. jason can only feel his heart if he has kyle in his arms.
“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
there just simply won't be any "after kyle". this is it.
there is no power in any world, any universe that could make him stop loving this man.
he isn't doing this right, he thinks, he's supposed to be on his knees offering kyle his heart.
instead he takes kyle's face in his hands, looks him in the eyes and offers him everything he has, everything he is and will be.
offers him his heart, his soul and his life. gives and gives until he has nothing left.
"marry me"
he already owns him, might as well make sure everyone else knows that.
kyle smiles, so beautiful and sure. jason feels the acceptance pressed into his lips. he will feel it for days, weeks, months after this moment.
and that's, he thinks, that's the reason. that's the reason it's so easy.
because he looks in his boyfriend's, fiancé's, future husband's eyes and sees everything he feels mirrored in them.
he does not believe in god, never has, but - he thinks - he's quite sure this is what salvation feels like.
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cloudninetonine · 1 year
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*walks on tiredly, looking like I just had a tussle with a Guardian or a particularly vicious Lynel, pats both Wild's and Hyrule's head over their birthdays, perishes like the Skulltula* Hey there, just passing on by quickly after the new chapter, how you doing?
Also, I came as soon as I heard like holy mother of the Golden Three- I have so many thoughts of the new Player's Aid chapter just, Cloud, you wonderful individual you just slayed me, perfect thing to come back to after a bad week of existence making me want to do it like Time in the Downfall timeline thank you for the food.
Hyrule and Wild being soft and protective of Player? Perfection, it's in the little things like cradling their cheek and holding their hand to keep them close so he won't lose them again because they were one of the few good things left he really had in a ruined world, his ears fluttering at his faith in him which honestly probably means everything for Wild, who feels like he failed everyone in his era and likely failed Player too when they dissapeared at first (goodness I can't imagine how that was, defeating The Calamity or Ganon, reuniting with Zelda and then Player just, being gone? I have a feeling the boys didn't cope well), and Player shielding Rulie from the Ache's sight even if it won't do much? And the immediate understanding and knowing of Hyrule Castle both Player and Wild even if not quite for the same reasons? Wind being a shit and Player biting back? Player's faith in Time? Perfection, I adore those little details because it really illustrates how as much as the heroes need and want their guide around, so does Player want and need them around.
Also Player's thoughts are very valid and realistic and I love them for it, if you're not used to gore in any way or with rough injuries you're not going to cope well in an environment like Hyrule at all for a while, something tells me there's going to be a lot of ongoing trauma to deal with (or repress) when Player actually learns how to fight with a weapon (because I can't see the boys not teaching them how to handle at least a bow or a dagger after this) and inevitably has to kill a monster, or heck even a monster disguised as a human or a Yigah Clan member since those guys are people, even if in self defense.
Also the horror enthusiastic in me adored the whole build up with the Ache, sure it's an obvious trope, specially if you're one for playing games or watching literally any media ever, but it was still really great between the description of the Skulltulas (ten out of ten, would kill with fire again because even if I don't hate spiders any that eats flesh can meet my old buddy: the homemade flamethrower) and the sheer body horror of the transformation, Zelda has plenty of horror elements when you really dig into it and I always adore when someone makes use of it, I called it the second Player describes Maggie (because they look too average and usually that's a red flag when it comes to lone adventurers, because if they weren't alone before then were are the remains of the others? Plus somehow it feels in character that a disguised Dink or his subordinates as shapeshifters would pick forms with dark features) and the reveal really broke that amazing build up of tension, because there's nothing worse than knowing there's something wrong, knowing it's a trap, and still having to walk into it.
Dink's reveal was also masterful, although yeesh that's really building up a theme with Player having awful luck with teleportation huh? Between the Yandere's and the Mess Au and Koridai and Courage and likely Mecha too and if they meet First at sone point we can also add that to it, and also Satori Mountains, Craein sends their solidarity from the Ancient Au (Player 🤝 Craein : Really bad luck with teleportation and it's mostly Dink's fault), someone give them a lucky charm or something, wait, now that I think of it Twilight tracking people by scent was a whole thing in his game, get to memorizing man! That or maybe Wild can since they're half Sheikah Tech now? I dunno, I'm just guessing and likely getting off topic because I'm sleep deprived and excited (also I have a feeling that the hand reaching for theirs was likely Wild or Hyrule, and that's gotta be rough on them who remember Player and now have to cope with losing them twice, that and all of the Links have trauma with losing or failing people, so seeing someone that even if they don't fully trust but feels familiar in the back of their mind and whom they've sworn to protect because they can't fight is probably going to smack all of the boys on the face with a fish). The prickling feeling of unease, like being watched by a predator when you're acutely aware you're prey and vulnerable one at that? Dink is looking at you ?! Looking at all angles and even above only for him to drag them below? The claws? (not quite human featured Dink and the Uncanny Valley of it my beloathed- {affectionate but also wanting to hit with a brick}, the sheer drama and theatrics of it? Such good food, it clearly shows how he's a really wrong, tainted Entity, like a stain or sickness in reality itself and I eat that up, it really drives home how inhuman he is and I love it, that was great even if I'm really concerned for Player because welp, that just proves Dink is very aware they're the Guide {the Guide's current iteration? I've been thinking about it a lot, because Player is one of the many people in the Zelda fandom who played the games, and you already said how it works when the games are replayed, so maybe there's a lot of candidates, but our Player is the one the most like the Guide or they're an iteration like how all the Links are iterations of each other/the Hero's Spirit?}, Can't imagine he wants anything good with them in any way, specially depending on how much information he has.
Anyway, that's all for now, I'll be back on the semi regularly scheduled Lora and Ancient Au trio plus Ancient Player/Craein content and thoughts at another time since I'm tired, thank you for the great update and have a nice day!
-Signed, Just a Tired Summertime Musician.
HI SUM I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED THE RECENT CHAPTER! Took me long enough to get it out OIUBFOEIU
I hope you're feeling much better! I understand hard weeks but I'm here if ya need me!
I'm glad you like the littlest details I do try my best! The same with the realism in the scenes! We love a joke here and there but reality is reality and at the end of the day seeing blood and guts, even from a monster is still at the end a very disturbing sight to see!
Gonna love writing the trauma that follows with Player having to kill something for the first time!
I'm also glad you liked the Ache build up! Wanted the trope to be there as a kind of reminder that Player's a bit more self aware than a lot of people around them, even if the Chain did know that it was a trap Player still has that critical thinking by their side! (I also want to eventually tie it to Guide properties but I still need to build on that, ya know?)
I'm also a huge horror fan myself so expect more horror elements in the future! Hopefully if I write it well the next chapter is gonna have them
We gotta love Dink and Uncanny Valley (Please someone with artistic skill draw some Uncaanny valley shadow boyo I will pay in life force) I really enjoy writing his scene because I just can't wait for what's following! :D Probably first introduction to the true abilities of the Guide ;)
See you around babes!
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skepticalarrie · 1 year
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Sorry this got kinda long but; Do you think that in 1D days when they were told/forced to distance and they were younger and perhaps more naive, it looked like they were kinda raging against the closet/management in whatever way they could and trying to show fans in the best way they could they were together? Rainbow bears, serenading, tattoos ect, whereas nowadays it looks to me as if they want to remain quite private about their relationship and instead of trying to convince people they are together like back in the day, the ‘proof’ we get now; queer coding, bluegreening and clothing coding (like Louis wearing maison shirt for H shirt for example) is less for proving to Larries and fans and just more like Louis making a gesture from himself to H and parallels in lyrics and the way they speak about certain topics so similar isn’t them trying to convince people of anything or intentional it’s just them being themselves and naturally we can all make the connection? Like now they’re Not necessarily trying to piss off their management (especially considering they’re probably more friendly with their individual mangers now than they were with modest) and more just being themselves as best they can. And they know that the people who actually get it will get it and they have nothing to really ‘prove’ because the fans that know, know. Probably just accepted that in order to have successful careers and keep their teams employed they can’t really come out in this still majorly homophobic industry and probably value their relationship enough to keep it for themselves, that they’ll just accept having to stunt for the foreseeable(as much as it sucks, especially lately, bleugh)
Things like the Umbro shirt for example I always thought it was more of an oopsie moment than internationally for fans/Larries. I don’t think Harry specifically went out that particular day to be caught by a random fan wearing it or else he would have worn it somewhere more public or for a media day or something. I think that was like an oops moment for them.
I just feel right now that they’re being quite private and not everything they do is connected to proving ‘Larry’ but naturally we’ll still see the connections because there’s too many. Disappearing at the same time, being so similar in mannerisms and how they define fame and success, lyrics and not wanting to say what they’re about this time around. Of course it could just be because they’re not in the band anymore so naturally the ‘proof’ we get is no longer looks and serenading and instead things you have to piece together and have knowledge of, but anyway those are my thoughts
Hi, anon! I like your thoughts, this is a very interesting discussion. In my opinion, I don't think they ever did it for us or to piss off management. Not really, or not directly. You're making everything a little too much about us, sometimes we forget it's their closeting, their fight, their relationship. We're just watching it, we don't have any active participation in it and what we know doesn't even scratch the surface of what they really have. So I think the way they felt the need to communicate so intensely at times was always about themselves, and how they were feeling. To make what they had valid, acknowledged, and somehow express their love. They were obviously so much more oppressed before, everything was so so so cruel and rough, so I think the natural reaction to this much repression was to scream louder, to fight back. And the fact we got involved, we listened to what they were saying, is just a plus, they ended up feeding from our reaction as well... and I believe that's where the bears came from. They wanted to educate people about the industry about gay rights, they wanted to make sure people were aware that this kind of things were happening and it's still happening. But it was never about us or giving us proof.
Now they're older, their relationship is more solid and mature. They went through hell and back. I fully believe they're much more in control of what they want. So maybe there isn't much need to feel what they have validated or to express that so intensely. Although it is still there, the colours, the songs, the coded clothing. It's their way to make it real and it's lovely, they need to do what they feel like doing. I wonder how many things they do it only for themselves that we have no idea of. The only things we're picking up are the stuff we already have some sort of knowledge about it, there's so much stuff we could never possibly make sense of. It just hit me one of these days that we've seen them more as solo artists than in the same band by now, more separated than together. The only thing we have to piece things together is a few hundreds of videos during 5 years of their relationship. And that's a speck of dust compared to their reality.
I talked about this several times, but I'm sure there are many reasons why they're not out, it's not that simple and I think it's very plausible if privacy is one of these reasons. I fully believe they love to express themselves like that and feel acknowledged by us, but what they have is still theirs. This is the kind of thing you only realise when you get to a certain level of maturity. And to be honest, I would also want to protect that if I was them. They have this fraction of fans who know about it and acknowledge it, and look how complicated that is already. So, good for them!
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bthump · 1 year
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As it seems Griffith's a character who likes to be in control and has a tendency to repress his emotions. Do you think that he is the type of a person who would have a panic attack (since panic attacks are related to the inability to let go of the need of control)? What may trigger a panic attack in him? And also how would he respond to the situation it, if seen by Guts( or Casca) while having one?
It's my understanding that panic attacks can happen to anyone - though I'm no expert, so maybe repressing emotions can make you more prone to them? Idk, but either way I could definitely see Griffith having a panic attack as being in character, depending on how it's written.
It doesn't seem too far off from the river scene in canon, or Griffith's state of mind post-Charlotte. Plus dude probably at least has ptsd. Idk if I'd personally connect it with his emotional repression, like if I was writing it, but yeah maybe that could be a factor too.
As far as triggers go, idk that's tricky for me to come up with because we see him in a lot of situations that could easily be triggering, and he manages to be chill. Like the Battle of Doldrey, eg. Post-torture you could probably justify just about anything lbr, but during most of the Golden Age... idk, maybe a substantial blow to his dream would fuck him up? Like if somehow a wedge came between him and Charlotte, or his part in assassinating the Queen was discovered or something, and everything was about to come crashing down around him.
If you're looking for otherwise innocuous things that could be triggers, I mean you could go with anything, like smelling the same scented soap Gennon used or something like that.
And lol this is probably a boring answer for like, h/c trope purposes, but I think if he was about to have/having a panic attack in public, he would keep quiet about it and remove himself from the situation asap to hyperventilate alone. I don't know if all panic attacks are created equal, but at least in my experience that's generally something very doable.
If he was discovered in the middle of a panic attack by Guts and/or Casca I can see him doing what he did in the river, reining everything in and pretending everything is fine super super hard, even if they just saw him crying/self-harming/etc. Maybe Guts could break through that and get him to talk tbh, I could see him calling bullshit and forcing a conversation, particularly pre-Promrose Hall speech. Casca would probably accept Griffith's lie for the sake of his personal comfort.
Or if he was past the point of giving a fuck about breaking down in public, you could get your traditional h/c scene of someone like, holding Griff while he has a sobbing breakdown.
I do always kinda wonder what the next ten minutes after Guts was out of sight was like for the rest of the Hawks after the first duel lol. Could be an awkward breakdown right there for Casca and co to witness and deal with.
Thanks for the ask!
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purrpickle · 1 year
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Honestly, and I mentioned this in another post, but Tee, Jim, and Kade's plan of making Sam jealous to keep Mon and not fire her, made everything so much worse.
Maybe Sam would have changed her mind on her own, but we can't know that for sure.
Instead, that jealousy fueled reversal is what caused Sam's whiplash and absolute further shutdown when telling Mon she had changed her mind. We see that in Sam's flashback to Tee telling her that she would never let Mon leave her company.
I mean, c'mon, Tee, Kade, and Jim! You know your friend! You think someone who grew up under such trauma and forced repression is going to react well and balanced to having the woman she's obviously fallen for so easily taken away and pursued by someone else? Especially since you already know Sam thinks Tee actually likes her?
Look, I'm not saying Sam's reaction was okay, at all. I've already discussed that in my other post. It was absolutely not okay. But what I am saying is that the outward backlash caused by Sam's internal emotionally and angrily panicked reversal of Mon's firing (because if she went through with it, Tee would swoop in and date her when what Sam wanted was to fire her so she could date her), along with her complete shutdown and inability to open up or realize she should or even could talk to Mon about her reasons or why she so suddenly looked like she was just so easily changing her mind and that the firing didn't matter at all - when it really had! It really, really had! Just for horribly stunted and selfish reasons - was fueled so much more by her friends' actions.
Sam had had her plan: fire Mon so they could date. She'd spent two days pushing everything down to come up with her plan, and had set it into motion, pushing everything else away and shutting down until it came into fruition.
And then, in the span of ten minutes, she'd had her plan, her desire for being with Mon, and Mon herself threatened to be taken away from her, all wrapped all up in an oh so casual insulting insinuation of Sam's ability to run her company being lesser than Tee's if she lets Mon go: "It's my company. I can fire anyone I want," versus "If Mon worked for me, I'd never let her go," and Tee would "...take care of her properly," along with Jim and Kade's absolute fawning over Tee's company as well.
So in one fell swoop, Tee and Jim and Kade threatened Sam's pride, her ability as CEO of Diversity, her decisions on how to somehow get her life in an order so she could live with it in a way that finally let her have something she desired (after running away from a proposal from Kirk, even!), her feelings for Mon, and her hoped for future with Mon.
So now, after having built up her walls for Mon's firing in two days, Sam only had an evening to prepare for her emotionally tailspinning reversed decision, so forcefully shoved at her by her friends.
A decision that meant she couldn't date Mon anymore.
But also meant it would hopefully stop Mon from dating Tee and that she wouldn't be working for her.
That meant Sam would see Mon every day and be unable to do anything about it or explore the relationship she wanted with her now that her feelings were known to her.
But also meant she would still be able to see Mon every day and get to be around her.
That meant Sam's desires would be taken away from her again.
That meant Sam would have to marry Kirk anyway.
That meant all the good things Sam finally let herself feel and pursue and hope for and start to build with Mon didn't matter anymore and would never go anywhere.
Really, that meant that to keep Mon, she was now going to lose Mon.
...
And the worst part is, you see all of that overwhelming conflict on Sam's face in the scene in her office!
You see her spiral of destroyed plans hammered over with quickly thrown up walls as she stays away from looking at Mon and keeps herself moving and looking at anything else so the tears fighting to come out don't and pushes pushes pushes for Mon to drop it and go back to work so Sam doesn't have to show her her own horribly torn apart heart.
I've already covered that it doesn't occur to Sam that she can talk to Mon (or anyone), or that she should talk to Mon (or anyone), which makes her shutdown so much worse. She wants Mon out of there. She can't be around her, so her only way to get through this is to tell Mon she changed her mind and to go back to work.
And it's not like Sam doesn't see the hurt she's doing to Mon, or doesn't care about it. She does! You watch her react, in her expressions and in her eyes and body movements, but Sam honestly cannot do anything, at that moment, about it. Because everything is roiling around in her brain and she's overwhelmed and stressed and does what she's learned to do: become cold, dismissive, and shut down.
So yes. Sam was already mentally exhausted before meeting with her friends, but afterwards, they tore her plan apart and she was left reeling and angry and now had to pivot and treat the serious decision of firing Mon and pushing her away as trivial and without consequence.
Which was wrong. Absolutely wrong. I say Sam had to change her plan, but I do truly mean she ultimately chose to reverse the firing - Sam is still one hundred percent culpable here!
This post isn't about trying to excuse Sam. No, it's about further getting into her actions and how good intentions spiraled into terrible reactions, and how there was more behind Sam's coldness and cruelty than just her ignoring Mon or belittling her or changing her mind 'because she could'. And as I have said before, I hope the show moves forward with letting Sam learn and heal and work through her trauma and issues, and makes her be responsible for her actions.
And that maybe Tee, Jim, and Kade stop trying to make her jealous now that she's started dating Mon. I love them, but they absolutely misstepped here.
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catalanobreeze · 2 years
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Ok look, I’ve only seen the first episode of Our Flag Means Death (bc I live in the UK, but used a VPN to watch ep 1 for free on HBO Max) but it has dominated my dash and I ain’t mad about it because both Rhys and Taika are fine as hell and also I too and not immune to the queer pirates.
However, I’ve seen enough clips and read through the wiki synopsis of the show, and watched the video and gifs of That Kiss enough to have formed this heartbreaker of an insight:
Stede didn’t know it was a romance until Ed’s lips touched his.
I know, I know you’re all going to be like `lol yeah cus he’s repressed and doesn’t know what love feels like`... but hear me out a little bit.
Ed probably recognised his latent attraction to Stede pretty early on. Realised it was love when he came back on to The Revenge instead of leaving (the lil’ foot nudge). Ed and everyone around him and Stede saw that it was a romance, and would most likely lead to sex/couplehood and probably love.
But Stede? He thought he had a new friend, a real friend, and maybe this was what it felt like to have a real friend? Doesn’t matter if he recognised any sexual attraction to Ed or not, Stede was happy doing Pirate Things with his new Pirate Buddy - and he was happy.
So when he heard “What makes Ed happy is you” his reaction is very `Oh!! How flattering!! I’m his best friend!!! I finally make SOMEONE happy!!`
And while his inner monologue is going `Friend??!?! Best friend!!!!?!` and he starts to respond he finds himself in a liplock with Ed.
Ed, who reaches out to Stede. Ed, who puts his hands so tenderly on him and pulls himself closer to Stede rather than pull Stede to him.
Ed keeps his hands on Stede, and looks so downcast as Stede takes a few moments to think about his proposal of running away - because he thinks it’s going to be a no, but in reality he gets a shakey yes.
And Stede, who isn’t the kind of person to shove away someone seeking out affection from him DOES participate in the kiss but seems rather uncertain when it ends. But tells the truth, Ed DOES make Stede happy! He just didn’t know why, and doesn’t even truly know until Mary talks to him about being in love.
So Stede doesn’t know it’s a romance, doesn’t want to hurt Ed in anyway (and gets told that he will, and truly believes that), and doesn’t even know what he’s feeling even after the kiss. And I assure you, I know in my heart of hearts, that the moment Ed pulls away from the kiss Stede’s instinctive thought is
`Oh no, somehow I’ve tricked this man into falling in love with me`
Because Stede is the kind of person who would believe he had scammed true affection out of someone, because no one has ever really loved him before - is he even suitable to be loved? Worthy of it? Worthy of a man like Edward’s love?
No, he wouldn’t believe that. He’d feel like he had faked his way into being loved, just like he had tried to fake his way into being a pirate captain.
And the underlying idea that no one could ever feel so deeply for him is like an emotional imposter syndrome. Soon he’ll be found out and everyone will realise that he is unlovable and unworthy. He could accept the friendship, maybe convince himselfe he does deserve a good friend, still feel like the sword of Damocles was danlging above him - but maybe that sword will never drop?
But love? Ed being IN LOVE with him? Wanting to leave his thrilling life behind for Stede?
He wouldn’t be able to accept that, it would all go wrong and Ed would hate him for this trickery. It is so much easier to believe that he is a plague, a curse, he is unsuitable for loving or caring for anyone because he wrecks everything he tries to do.
And so it’s the worst kind of dramatic irony that we, the audience, can see how much these two men have fallen for each other. We can see that it’s a romance, and through the comedy and the scars on our hearts from so much damned queerbaiting/no homo bro we get blinded by the fact that Stede was the last one to know what we all did. That in the moments during and just after the kiss he is a man on the verge of breakdown instead of a man realising his love is in front of him.
He has never seen real love, never felt it, he is an imposter to his own emotions and wants. He goes back to his loveless marriage, to make it up to the wife he felt a duty to and follow through on the expectations that he be the head of his family and carry on without complaint. But then he sees it, really sees romantic love and devotion played out in front of him - sees what he could never feel for and give Mary.
Someone has to tell him he was in love for him to realise that YES he really was what made Ed happy because Ed LOVED HIM.
And now we just have to see where that realisation takes him, how he will carry on with that love. And how will Ed heal, because he has so many of his own insecurities and demons that he needs to address before loving Stede will be healthy, instead of escapism.
And yeah, I guess a good parallel is Good Omens, where Crowley knows he loves his angel from early on but it takes Aziraphale a hot minute to clue on. And then he panics about it.
Anyway, I’ve had a long week and very, VERY few hours of sleep (like, max five hours on one night) so this is all nonsense, and I’m maybe projecting... although my reaction to the last time a partner told me they loved me was “Um.... ok, you sure?” and for kind of different reasons to what I’ve rambled on about here.
Also, super fun knowing I can quote multiple lines from episodes of a show I haven’t even watched. But unlike with IT and my brush with Reddie, I actually have intentions of watching OFMD.
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icksam · 1 year
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pre-slash steddie fic idea. had a different idea for the dialogue but i forgot while writing the intro whoops
-
After everything, Steve decided to throw a little celebratory “We all somehow survived again!” after Vecna. It’s taking place at his house, from 5-11pm. Around 7, all of the kids (“We’re not kids anymore, Steve, We’re teenagers!” “Whatever helps you sleep at night, Henderson.”) made their way home to leave all of the older kids to mope around.
In hindsight, Steve should’ve just made a crap ton of gift baskets and given them in person. He almost wishes he left with the kids but, again, they’re at his house.
Everyone’s in pairs, somehow. Jonathan with Nancy; Argyle with.. Jonathan? And Robin with… Nancy.
Okay— maybe not solid pairs but certainly not with Steve. Steve, who’s all alone. Steve, who’s currently watching Eddie who is, well, also alone.
Steve at least expected Robin to keep him company but he must have underestimated her crush forming on Nancy. Not that he could blame her, of course. Nancy was a force to be reckoned with. But still. He’s whiny and lonely and he doesn’t want to be alone, damnit. They recently saved the world.
Steve, somewhat drunkenly, decided to make his way towards Eddie. The man looked lonely just like Steve, so he figured that was reason enough.
Eddie noticed Steve a few steps before he was in front of him. Steve thought he saw some wariness flash across Eddie’s face before he schooled it into a confused, thin smile.
“Hey, man.”
“Hey, yourself. Got something on your mind, Stevie?”
Steve averted his eyes to stare at the carpet in the living room. (Stevie Stevie Stevie) A wine stain was barely peeking out from beneath the rug. (Stevie) Clearing his throat, Steve looked back at Eddie. He tried not to notice how pretty his eyes were.
“Everyone’s in pairs and you’re alone and I’m alone and— fuck, um. Wanna pair?” Jeez. What happened to being a smooth talker?
Eddie huffed before saying, “Is this your way of asking me to hang out with you?”
For a second, Steve felt irrationally disappointed and repressed the urge to say, No! I want to pair. PAIR pair.
“No. Pair pair.”
Aw shit.
(The only source of light in the living room came from a single lamp in one of the corners, so Steve wasn’t sure if the red creeping up Eddie’s neck was his imagination.)
“.. huh?”
Shit. How does he backtrack from this?? Good going Steve. That was the type of smooth he wanted to slip on and crack his head. God, what??
Steve must have been silent for a few too many seconds because when he tuned back into reality he noticed Eddie started squirming in his place on the sofa.
“Sorry, I mean. Yeah. Hang out. Like a pair. ‘Cause everyone’s kind of pairing up right now and, well.” Full sentences Steve, where had those gone? He was never this inept at previous parties while drunk.
Eddie visibly relaxed and threw a smile at Steve, albeit still a little tense. Patting the spot next tp him, Eddie said “Well then I invite you, my liege, to sit on this humble spot next to me.”
Steve plopped down, narrowly missing the wink Eddie threw his way. Steve propped his feet onto the coffee table and watched his hands as he messed with the beer’s bottle cap.
“So. How’re the bat bites treating you?”
“Same as you, I s’pose. It’s kind of sick we got matching scars, huh?”
Steve glanced up to meet Eddie’s (pretty, so pretty) eye’s again. Eddie’s eyes were watching Steve, glancing between Steve’s eyes as if watching his micro-expressions. After a bit of hesitancy, Steve mumbled, “yeah. Metal,” and hoped he used the term correctly.
Eddie broke out into a very bright grin.
(his smile is as pretty as his eyes, oh no.)
All wariness seemed to leave Eddie after that. Their conversations went smoothly, almost as if something clicked between them. Steve’s bitchiness left as his loneliness faded.
Before either of them knew, it was 10:55 and the others were getting ready to leave. Robin and Argyle were a little more than tipsy, but they’d both be grabbing rides from Jonathan and Nancy. Steve bid them farewell until it was only he and Eddie left standing near the doorway.
“So-” Eddie started, at the same time Steve said, “Well-”.
They looked at each other and chuckled, eyes never leaving each other. Eddie pressed his lips into a thin, wide smile that showed his dimples. Steve tried not to stare.
Steve shot him a warm smile, leaning a little on the wall. Softly, he said, “I guess I’ll see you around, Munson.”
Eddie, standing up from putting his boots on, equally as soft, “I guess so, Harrington.”
Before Eddie entered his van, Steve jogged down a few steps and met Eddie, the driver door dividing their space. A little breathlessly and loud in the quiet of the night, Steve told him, “Don’t be a stranger, man. You’re welcome here any time.”
Eddie did the thing again where his eyes darted between Steve’s, searching for something. After a moment, he grinned. (Teeth and dimples and all the glory.)
“Thanks, Harrington. I’ll hold you to that.”
Steve didn’t walk back into his house until he watched the van’s tail lights disappear.
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