#so i need to go thru my insurance to get them

[milkweedman]

One of those shifts that makes you wonder if, objectively, you are perhaps too disabled to work.

[angelstrawbabie420]

crazy how i have no one

[cerbreus]

it’s been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didn’t tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isn’t resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brains’ response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.

[satanfemme]

I hate my parents so muchhhhhh I hope they kill me I hope they steal the rest of my money

[agayconcept]

.

[majimasleftasscheek]

alright since RGG seems bent on putting merch behind things like UFO catcher shit, here's my crappy how to use a proxy guide lol

gonna be using buyee as an example but most proxies are more or less the same so it's your choice on what to use. I look at fee prices and customer service reviews to decide on my proxies. sorry if it's wordy! but I think I cover the most important bits for general use.

so on the landing page you got all the goobly gook but what you'll mainly be looking at is the stuff in the red box. all the shops are listed there - the ones I mainly use are yahoo! japan auctions and mercari. the other shops are more like regular shopping sites. pretty much all proxies use the same sites as they're just a directory for wherever you wanna shop.

auctions are self explanatory - you bid on things till the time runs out or some auctions offer an immediate buyout price.

mercari is largely a secondhand seller marketplace but you can find companies on there as well.

when I search for stuff, I prefer putting in the actual terms for better accuracy over auto translating. so here I put in ryu ga gotoku (龍が如く). on buyee, I have rgg and dead souls as saved searches so I can just click on them to easily autofill the search bar which is handy.

items will populate and you'll see prices in yen and for me, usd. these are the *listing prices, not the *final price. since I'm using a proxy, there will be additional fees per item I get. also, the currency exchange rate occasionally changes so if something goes up or down in price, that be why.

💥 pls also note prohibited items that proxies cannot ship internationally such as items with flammable fluid which can include perfumes, lighters, etc. other things like alcohol, which may be okay for like 99% of countries is not okay, for example, in the US lol unless you go thru customs paperwork n shit. *ebay is usually where you want to go for prohibited items as those sellers *will go thru the process of filing the proper forms to send such items.

💥 pls be aware of scalpers! I tend to browse multiple pages and multiple listings of the same item to see what the prices typically fall around. if it looks too cheap, be aware of an item's description. if it looks too expensive, it probably is.

let's use this bad boy as an example. the main things you wanna look at on any item is the condition and the photos to be *sure* you are happy with what you're getting. if you see the same photos across listings, be a lil wary. you can see estimated shipping times and the seller's general ratings. always read item explanations if there is one in case the seller makes any notes of defects or other things.

you can add to shopping cart to keep browsing or you can go to the order page to immediately purchase.

so proxies typically have different plans you can choose when you buy items and that adds towards the fees. these can include inspections, insurance, etc of items when they arrive at the proxy warehouse (see your proxy's FAQ for plan descriptions). it's up to you what you deem worth choosing, if at all. for most things, I just go with whatever costs me 0 lol - especially if it's a cheaper item that I really don't feel needs to be inspected or insured, like a plushie or keychain. regardless of plan, you'll have to pay some proxy service fee (here the "buyee service fee"). in the top right, you'll see the total cost of everything. once you're happy, then you pick your form of payment. I usually go with paypal.

you can go to your page and see typical stuff like orders, settings, and the like. there's often specific tabs for certain sites like auctions so you can go there for anything you purchase in that way. the cart is anything you've added but haven't bought.

the orders tab is for anything bought and you may see the status of its shipping to the proxy warehouse which I'll get to in the next bit.

package information is everything that has arrived to the warehouse so here you can see I have 12 items currently waiting to be shipped to me.

user information, pretty basic but do MAKE SURE your addresses and things are 100% correct. it would really suck nuts if you pay out the ass for international shipping and it gets sent to the wrong place.

on the orders tab, you can see the status of the item. it contains important bits like date ordered and order # (I've blotted out mine). order received is *you* paying for the order. order completed is *buyee* paying for the order. shipped means the seller has shipped to buyee's warehouse address and arrived at warehouse is self explanatory.

*sometimes, a seller may cancel an order after you've paid for it and you will be refunded. this is often due to the seller unable to actually send the item for whatever reason or they don't sell to proxies. nothing you can really do about it but I've only had it happen a couple of times in dozens of purchases.

back to the package information tab, here you can see all the packages that have arrived at the warehouse waiting for shipment. proxies will store packages for free for a certain number of days - buyee being 30 while I've seen other go to 45 days, etc. after that time is up, you will be charged for storage per day so be aware of that!

here you can consolidate packages which means putting everything into one shipment instead of going individually. you can see estimated costs of shipping per item which, if you did each item individually, that would be mad expensive. when you consolidate, things can still be pretty pricey but imo better to pay idk 150 bucks in shipping for 10 items instead of 300 bucks for all 10 individually.

💥 shipping is calculated by weight so be aware of that when you buy items - however baseline costs will be the same for lighter items regardless of how much they weigh. baseline costs for me is around 15-30 bucks regardless of what I get. for example, I have a teeny tiny keychain in storage and several figures. the shipping for that keychain is the same cost as the figures so it's only sensible to lump them into one package cuz I ain't paying out the ass to ship 1 keychain lol.

you are free to consolidate what you want and how. if you wanna consolidate some packages to ship now and you wanna do others later, you are free to. just keep in mind your budget and storage time!

proxies also offer services to protectively wrap your packages. if you're concerned about damage, then choose that option when you consolidate. I don't often do it unless what I'm buying can break otherwise all my packages have arrived relatively unharmed.

💥 proxies will consolidate things AS IS so if you have a buncha figures that don't have their boxes, the proxy will put them in a shipping box just as they are, however they received them from the seller. so if the seller only bubble wrapped the figure, it will be sent to you just like that, no additional protection unless you pay for that option.

*consolidation can take some days and you'll be informed when items are ready to ship. at that point, you pay the shipping and that's it! you can choose what type of shipping you wanna go with (such as DHL, EMS, sea mail (if it's available), etc at differing prices and arrival times. pick what's best for you. *note, sea mail is often the cheapest but the slowest (like several months arrival time) and not available to every country (plus you'd want protective packaging for this just in case cuz boat rides be bumpy)

here are some examples of shipping costs for a single one of my items. some of these options will disappear when I consolidate cuz shipping a lil figure is very different from shipping a larger box full of multiple things.

💥 be sure to read EVERYTHING and make sure you know what options you're choosing to make sure it fits your budget and expectations of arrival time.

one more thing proxies can do is order from a number of sites that aren't on the main page. for buyee, you want to go to the other sites information tab and then click "purchase request for other sites."

here you can input the information of whatever site you want to see if the proxy can purchase it for you. this is how I buy things on ebten like the jpn only preorders. if the proxy cannot buy the requested item, they'll let you know.

if they can go thru with the order, they will confirm your payment and it goes thru the same process as any other order.

[daidi-dragan-glas]

Just a quick update.... Oncologist has confirmed that I'm one of the most stubborn people she's ever run across.... Almost 2 weeks ago I had my 41st infusion of FOLFIRINOX (chemo cocktail for stage 4 colon cancer with Mets to liver, lungs and lymph nodes)... I'm told that most people have to stop taking it at infusion number 12 or 15, and the most she(my oncologist) has ever had a patient handle was 38.. until me. I've NOT allowed them to reduce my chemo for "their" fear of MY side effects ... Hell, half the questions from them are "is this side effects getting worse?" Whether it's nausea, neuropathy, energy, bloodwork levels, etc, and always seemingly with an eye towards "we should cut back on this drug so you FEEL better... FUUUUUUCK THAT! I want this fucking cancer GONE... Not just reduced and I feel great until it kills me... I'll HAPPILY go thru the neuropathy that makes it hard to think, hard to work, hard to even type on a keyboard or work with a mouse, yes, that's coming from an IT person, I'll HAPPILY feel unsteady, feel like shit all day, up 5 to 10 times a night to run to the bathroom, and half of those times to actually have to clean up grrrrrrrrrrrrr, I'll happily take the vitamins, the injections, the pain pills and patches, the sore burning ass, the weakness and the frustration of it all, AS LONG AS I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT. And that means DO. NOT. DECREASE. MY. CHEMO. SO. THAT. I. FEEL. BETTER. TODAY. AND. TOMORROW..... YOU KILL THOSE GODDAMN CANCER CELLS, I got it, I can deal with the rest, I'm my own Huckleberry!!!

It's not as effective anymore though.. and the Mets in my liver are growing fairly quickly in some concerning spots...

I pushed my oncologist for alternatives.. even 2nd or 3rd opinions and experimental treatment... And she wrote a letter to the Mayo Clinic. I'm told the Mayo will not even consider giving an appointment unless they feel there is something they can do for you that is better than what you're getting. I had a phone interview, they got all my records, had a care team review my case in detail and a week and a half later, they called to set up an appointment.

I'll be doing some packing today (Sunday July 14) to leave Monday morning and be in Rochester MN at the Mayo Clinic facilities for appointments there on Monday, I'll stay overnight (quite probably in my car since things are fairly tight lately) and more appointments on Tuesday.

So, we will see what they say and what kind of treatment plan they come up with.

(yes, things are tight... Cancer treatment is NOT cheap y'all. Each and every one of my infusions gets billed to the tune of $42,000 per... Not including the testing, the Dr appointments, the hospital visits, the drugs to combat the side effects, the drugs given in combination with the chemo to combat the "essentially" allergic reactions to the chemo... {Yes, I had to ring the bell beside my chair once and had every nurse in the facility converge on me and work to reverse what was going on}... So, so far, me and my insurance company have been billed somewhere upwards of 2.2 million dollars since November of 2022. My insurance happens to be pretty good, so my portion is somewhere around half a million at this point, and as stubborn as I am, when they ask for payments, I stick to my guns and pay an affordable amount each month, to show that yes I'm making payments, and fuck you if you want more. I'm lucky!)

I would like to add... IF you are in a position to be charitable, please do one of the following:

go to one of your local oncology clinics, ASK them what their patients might need (I know there are many of you that found fulfillment in making masks during COVID, put that same effort into making hats for patients losing their hair, donate button down or zip down Henley style shirts (most of us have a port installed in the upper right side of our chest and easy access to that for blood draws, infusion and other treatments without having to fully remove your shirt is NICE), donate homemade afghans or blankets

And if you're really squirrelly, pick a local patient and befriend them, take them to appointments, make sure the snow is cleared from their driveway (chemo takes your strength and endurance away and it makes it HARD sometimes to do the simple things around the house). Rake the leaves, mow the grass, vacuum, Help them out with whatever they need (MORE THAN JUST ONCE). find out what they CAN eat and take it to them several times a week, you cannot imagine just how much that one small thing you do for them can make a HUGE difference in their actual survival!!!

Find an organization close to you that you can donate money towards local cancer patients medical bills.

Sorry, turned out to be not so short of an update and there's some rant in here too, sorry not sorry.. lmao!

but I'm sure hoping for the Mayo to pull something phenomenal out of their hat... I don't even care if it ruins my health or quality of life for awhile, I don't care about short term, I can deal with the shit of it, but I DO care about sticking around until people can honestly say... "Thank GOD that fucker is finally dead, let's PARTY!" Yes I still plan to live until I'm a total pain in the ass for even those few that love me, and then when I've died at 103 yrs old, they can spread my ashes on the Appalachian Trail across TN NC and VA and if they wish to visit they can go into the mountains and woods and I'll come to them as the breeze and whisper of the beauty of nature to them

[gamertales]

Gotham, July 30th, 2024.

Hey, over here. Youre that blogger lady, right? Looking for info on the supposed ring of collectors of objects belonging to the Bat clan? We talked...well texted a bunch recently about the market.

Hah. Well i cant speak to this supposed ring, but i can show you my own personal collection. Sure its secured, i get a lot of people sniffing around so i try to keep it locked up, but im not stupid. No point tryin to hide from the Bats or what have you, this is just for the schmucks and their bosses. Hah.

Alright, if you follow me into my van.

Oh, yeah, i get that a lot. But look, im 52, i havent got the energy to flirt with 40 year old tired house moms. Kidnapping sounds like a lot of work.

Bit of a shocker compared to the outside, huh? Yeah, I had the interior and body upgraded a few years ago, added comfort and protection,still kept the rough looking exterior tho, keeps attention down.

Yep. Glass repair, window replacement, skylights. Heh. Youd be surprised to know how many small contractors making a living cleaning up qfter the Bat clan. Lotta companies downtown cant get insurance for windows, doors, ventilation systems. Gives us smaller guys a little more space to play.

After that throw down between Nightwing and Riddlers goons across from the Bank of Gotham last week, i managed to get in quick, and lock down the window contract.

This parts important, first crew on the scene gets to move in after the cops move out. Now Gothams finest do their best, but the number of small things they miss...

Take this for example, its a section of Nightwings glove with those fancy little spike things on them. Found it in the rubble under the skylight. Along with some mooks hand. Turned the hand in of course.

What? Oh its an informal alliance, but we keep each other in the loop, and let each other know when shits going down near em. If I cant make it across town, i'll send a text to the crews closest.

The goggles? Harley quinn dropped them a couple years ago, found them in the bushes outside the Exchange. Thats not the prize piece.

This. Two Batarangs from the Bat himself. To be fair i didnt really have to go far to find them. Summer of '19 the big guy landed on my roof. Hard. Dropped, rolled, and started running down the alleyway. Now i was dozing at the time, and that startled the literal shit out me. Cue the clown goons jumping on my truck to give chase. Big threw four of these beauties, making them scatter, and doing more damage to the van.

Four batarangs tho? I sold 2 of them to my buyer in the city. A collector of this stuff. He calls it "pretentious peacocking for poorly adjusted prats." Yeah, Mr Wayne is different enough. Only met him the one time, but he was very affable, even hired me to do the new windows for his guest house.

Made enough to upgrade ole Greaser here to their current condition. And a little.

Other than Mr Wayne? Im afraid i only deal with Mr Wayne; he pays fair, promptly, and usually sends a gift basket. No, i go thru his Butler now.

Right? A Butler. In 2024. Still, he seems harmless enough, spends all his time at charities i hear.

The Ring again? Look, im serious i have nothing to do with that side of the market.

...if you are really determined tho, contact Marc Belvedere, if anyone i know knows about this, itll be Marc.

Listen, i have toinstall some skylights at the City Hall in an hour, so i gotta get moving. Yeah, tell your friends Karl Aleksev is The Window guy when in a pinch.

By the way, what was your name again? Barbara Gordon? Like the Gordon Gordon? Your his daughter? Well, good luck, and be careful, theres a lot of money in this business, and money gets people killed.

Yeah. I guess you didnt really need that advice, huh.

Maybe we will cross paths again.

[campbyler]

if i may ask, i am v curious when the party got their cars/how long theyve had them

ella i hope you don't hate me from harboring this ask since the end of august bc i really did mean to answer it sooner. i love u mwah.

mike: some of the lore surrounding the mustang has now been revealed through chapter 9.1, but to reiterate for the purpose of this ask: mike really wanted to get a car with manual transmission, and wanted something used so it could be a purchase he made himself. he did a lot of research online and in person before finding the mustang, which he did think was a little gaudy, but to me he's also a pretty big car buff and likes a lot of classic models -- no matter anyone's feelings on mustangs as a whole, it is a very iconic car with a lot of history, so mike definitely appreciates that a lot. he had nancy co-sign but he paid for everything himself! as of acswy, he's had it for just over a year!

will: will's car is also used, and also something he (mostly) paid for by himself! originally he was going to inherit jonathan's car but like in the show, it died. rip. but hopper Knows A Guy who works on and then sells a lot of used cars and that's who they ended up buying will's car from. he got it when he turned 17 for around ~$2500 since hop's friend cut them a deal, and he paid for Most of that himself (using money he's saved up from camp and the part-time job he had during the school year when he was in hs) and hop and joyce covered the rest. that said, will does pay them back on a monthly basis and pays for his own gas and insurance, so to him they didn't help at all (even tho they helped more than mike's parents did lol). by the start of acswy, he's paid his parents back in full and now just worries about the insurance payments.

lucas: lucas's parents and smart and invest and told their beautiful talented son that if he worked hard and got good grades they would buy him a car for graduation. so he did. and then also got a full ride scholarship to uconn to play basketball and his parents said oh ok slay boy. thanks so much. so since they are saving on a LOOOT of tuition and room and board fees they said we will get you a nice car. and lucas said bet, hellcat? and his mom said ABSOLUTELY NOT and his dad said ABSOLUTELY. mike was fuming btw. if you care.

max: tbh we haven't so super fleshed out a lot of max's family lore so i'd have to consult w suni re: current arrangements BUT 2 me max shares her car w her mom. i think her mom works from home and when she needs to go somewhere uses max's step dad's car just so that max can have some extra freedom. it's also my headcanon that max is the oldest in the friend group so she got her license first and was will and el's designated chauffeur for a while <3

el: el Just got her car and license before the start of acswy! i think she's the youngest in the party and she had will and max to drive her places so there was truly no need to get her license or car until now, plus i think she had some driving anxiety. she also got her car thru hop's friend but it was a little more expensive than will's since it's a bit newer and a nicer model, but she's had more time to save up for it! she mostly got one because she wanted to be able to have something to drive back at school, and also because she's more willing to admit than will is that the cobalt is not going to last super long, so one of them needs to have a car lol.

dustin: dustin got his car from his mom when she upgraded to a new one and while most people would complain dustin said FUCK YEAH because he loves his mom's car and also didn't have to spend a single dime on it lol. i think he got it when he was 17 as well so he also drove lucas and mike around for a bit before they got their cars as part of the indy crew!

AND THAT IS IT. THAT IS ALL. I HOPE THIS WAS WORTH IT AT ALL

[haunybooboo]

Trying to stay a float despite the mess I unintentionally made. And it’s not entirely bad, just messy. Something I should have done a while back but I didn’t want to make him mad.

I filed the petition and they found enough reason to bring it back to court to hopefully modify support. The original amount 92$ for THREE boys a week was based off a minimum wage job. (7.50hr in IN) Due to other garnishments thru court there’s public record of how much he makes a week and using the calculator based on what he makes and doesn’t pay and what I make and do pay. (Insurance, child care, school etc) I should be getting about $280 a week. Which would be super helpful.

These boys are growing and it’s hard to do it on my own with zero government assistance minus the child care vouchers but I still have a copay.

He doesn’t help with anything at all. And I’m over it.

The documents say it’s all from the prosecutor, the only mention of me is that I have to appear as well because I’m the custodial parent. Nothing saying I turned him in. But he has still decided to lose his shit.

Mass messages thru the court approved app. Sending more of if I don’t respond. Which I don’t unless I absolutely have to. Screaming “fucking bitch” at me as you peel out directly after dropping the boys off. So this was in front of them.

I wish he’d just go away. I wish the court system didn’t believe they every child needs both parents. I was raised by a single mom and I turned out ok.

[loving-n0t-heyting]

So i get my healthcare thru medicaid. Well, not thru medicaid ofc, it’s just insurance, you can’t just force doctors into slavery or anything. But I am on medicaid insurance.

Though obviously that’s administered thru the state, right, so it’s not just medicaid as such but California’s particular incarnation of it, MediCal. Bc like, states are the laboratories of democracy yk?

So I get my insurance thru the state. But ofc it wouldn’t be feasible to have like, an actual nationalised state insurer. Think how many ppl that would be! With such diverse needs! No, ofc it’s gotta be administered on a local county level! Whence my alameda agency for handling it

Well, not all of it ofc. Division of labour makes the world go round! What do you want, vertical integration? No, the county agency only handles my appeals and grievances, they’re a coordinator not an insurance provider. The claims themselves go thru another org freed up to just focus on best serving them!

I sure am lucky to be blessed with this kind of subsidiarity in something as vital as my healthcare. Can you imagine if the federal government were to get its hands all over this stuff? It would be a kafkaesque nightmare! That’s the beauty of bringing the private sector and local government into the mix, cuts out all that bureaucratic fat big government types love so much. Simple economics, really!

[violentviolette]

i think i have aspd or traits . but i dont wanna go to a psych and be like " btw here are my symptoms ive never told u about before , have fun ! ( insert the entire ASPD criteria here ) . sorry " because that makes me look bad & i appear the opposite ( passive , fearful , not aggressive ) , & dont want to appear as a threat and i most definitely dont want them to think im manipulating them when im not ( like for example when im just telling them my symptoms regarding other conditions ) . and i dont want to admit to committing crimes incase they report me or i have to go through a security clearance for job reasons and they go thru my stuff . anyways as far as anyones concerned i seem nice but weird but not the type of person to have those kinds of symptoms , and i want it to keep my Good Girl(tm) image . but also . i dont want to start having legal issues , become dependent on substances , pursue any illegal occupation , etc since it would suck to get caught and im only 21 so i keep trying my best to avoid it everytime i almost continue with it , but i need help bad lol . any idea of what i should or can do ? anything helps

okay real talk but literally do exactly the opposite of everything ur doing and also get out of ur own head and stop overanalyzing every thought u have to find justifications for not doing the very simple basic first step towards what u know is the right thing to do but just dont want to because being vulnerable feels yucky and ur scared

i say this with genuine compassion and no judgement because i *absolutely* did and still sometimes do the same thing but unfortunately the only way to get urself out of that cycle is to get over urself and touch grass (encouragingly) so that u just Do The Thing u know u need to do

being open and honest with a therapist about ur thoughts and feelings is the only way to get any actual positive growth or help out of it. u cant fix what u dont talk about and keeping it all to urself will only drive u more and more insane. staying cooped up inside ur own mind without telling other ppl what ur thinking out loud creates a feedback loop of crazy. u gotta hear urself talk to another person sometimes to actually really *hear* urself, u know? ur brain is where the crazy is and u cant stay there alone and expect it to work out and get better. u have to talk it out and be confronted and challenged with other viewpoints to realize where urs are disordered if u look for reasons not to do something u will absolutely find them, and while i could offer rebuttels to a lot of ur concerns, things like how ur medical records and psych details are not that detailed. u doing illegal behavior like stealing or doing drugs is not something that gets listed on those and falls under patient confidentiality. the only thing that gets documented is the official diagnoses name which most therapists are going to be very reluctant to hardline diagnose someone with aspd (and even then it only gets logged with that practice and submitted to ur insurance only if ur seeking care like meds or hospital stays or get incarcerated. otherwise, if u dont tell someone "i saw dr.x at yclinic from 2019-2022, then they have no way of knowing or finding out what that dr wrote on their internal records/notes. there is no centralized database of "medical history" outside of ur insurance company and specific practices internal networks) individual symptoms like "illegal activity" do not get listed and unless ur planning on enrolling in the military or working for the feds no job is looking more deeply than that into ur history unless u personally volunteer it. what comes up when specific companies do background checks with a medical history is ur insurance records. ur insurance only knows what gets submitted to them specifically, if ur therapist doesnt file paperwork with ur insurance to list aspd as a diagnosis they are looking for ur insurance to pay them to treat u for specifically (instead of more generalized things like "depression" "anxiety" or just "mental health care" ect, which they have to get ur permission to do) then there's no paper trail of what u two talk about in that office or how ur "good girl" image is legitimately worthless garbage and will grant u absolutely nothing in life and clinging to it in the false hope that other ppls perceptions of u will change who u actually are and make u happy is only gonna lead u to looking at ur shitty unhappy life in 5 years and being filled with nothing but regret and anger and wanting to kill urself or that while u cant know or control how ur therapist sees u or reacts to the things u share with them, u can control who they are. if u fuck up with this therapist or it takes a turn u dont like or they start treating u badly, u can very much just get another one. u can request a different person at the same clinic for any reaosn or u could switch clinics entirely. most insurance in the us is taken by more than 1 provider in an area and there are almost always multiple practices that take the local insurance. and even then, if u wanna drive 45mins to see a therapist a town over cause u burned a bridge with this one u can do that. ur not beholden to a single person, u can get dozens and dozens of opinions. ive had over 15 different therapists in my life. if u fuck up with one u can always get another

but all those rebuttals dont really matter because if u want to, i have no doubt u could find counter points to all those points. i know i could if i tried. so really it just comes down to the simple question of are u going to keep standing in ur own way or are u going to cut the bullshit and take it seriously and do the hard thing because u know its what u need to do? ur young still, uve got so much time, dont waste more of it waiting for the perfect solution or situation because it will never exist. do it now, do it messy, do it scared, fuck it up and get it wrong a bunch, and then try again and again until it works

[cios-correct-opinions]

i wish there was more knowledge on ME/CFS bc as someone with chronic fatigue syndrome it gets. so tiring. seeing posts abt like. yknow revolutionary anarchist etc stuff. and one of the things is like "you gotta go out there and build community"

brother. listen to me. i am housebound almost entirely, partially due to us only having 1 car and 0 money, but also bc every time i leave the house, even if only for a few minutes, i am completely exhausted. the meds that used to help me are no longer helping me almost at all. i am lucky if i have the energy to write 100 words on my fandom fanfics each day. drawing is nearly impossible. everything exhausts me and it's only getting worse. i'm so tired all the time and it feels like every day i'm getting slowly closer to dying. i can LITERALLY feel myself getting sicker, getting worse. NOTHING is helping and nobody knows why i'm so sick. on top of that i have anemia and severe vitamin deficiencies. all of this has gone on for years since childhood and was neglected by my parents as well until i moved in with my grandparents. even now, i probably won't be able to afford treatment if they figure out how to treat what the fuck is wrong with me because i'm gonna lose my health insurance this year and i doubt medicare/medicaid (my only option as i do not have a job and possibly will never have one if my health continues on this path) will pay for the no-doubt expensive shit i'll need.

so like. i need the community to come to ME. i cannot go to community outreach things unless i want to be in physical agony for the next several days or weeks. going to a community day or something puts me out of commission for at least 3 days. that means i have almost 0 energy to do jack shit for 3 days except MAYBE scroll thru tumblr and twitter and sometimes talk on discord. i might be able to write if i'm lucky.

but nobody wants to do that. nobody wants to help me or the people like me because it's "too hard" for them and "if you really cared you'd come to us" as if that's a choice we make.

honestly i think we should start telling them that. if you claim to be a revolutionary leftist, and you aren't willing to engage in creating community and helping people who literally cannot reciprocate that with you due to their health? i don't think you actually care about us. because if you REALLY cared you'd come to us.

[puffpasstea]

hiii I love all your writing! it really makes me feel some type of way 💖🥲 I was wondering if you would be willing to write something about y/n feeling like her friends are using her (to get to harry, $$$, or for clout) and Harry is comforting y/n. Or something like y/n feels left out at a Hollywood party with all of Harry’s friends?

im going thru a rough time with my friendships and kind of feeling lonely. no pressure though 💖 thank you for being a source of joy during this time 🥺🫶🏻

Hi babes! Thanks so much for your lovely message 🥰🥰 and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve been where you are. It hurts no matter how you try to rationalize it. Please know that my inbox is always open if you need a friend, or just to vent. I hope this little one shot helps somehow. Let me know what you think! 💗

—

She plumped down on the barstool, tucked away in the shadowy corner of the room, letting her feet dangle and hover over the floor. Those heels were killing her. She glanced across the room, scanning the crowd of faces for Harry’s comforting eyes. He was standing in between Jeff and some really old guy in a suit, the grin on his face slowly growing until his dimples appeared. At this distance, she had no idea what he was actually saying, but she liked to imagine that he was telling a joke, judging by his face, that’s usually what he looks like when he’s laughing at his own joke before he’s even reached the punchline. She was glad to see that he was at least having fun. Because she’d be lying if she said that these kinds of events felt fun for her.

Tagging along to these parties increased her sad and admiration for Harry. It always made her proud to see him in “work mode.” This wasn’t even what he normally does for a living. Giant parties like these were usually hosted by the record label, designed to make really rich, really old people feels important enough and respected enough to convince them to invest their buckets of money into musicians’ tours. Someone needed to pay the insurance companies, purchase the bands’ equipment, pay the crew, and fund the millions of things -big and small- that went into carrying out an entire tour. Learning this gave her a better understanding of why, to make it in an industry like this, you need more than just a pretty voice and a little bit of hard work. But as proud as she was of Harry, she couldn’t help but feel like an outsider in moments like this.

Harry always wanted her to feel included, so he would keep his arm hooked into hers, introduce her to his team and investors, and whisper any background information into her ear to catch her up to speed. She loved witnessing first-hand how he was good at remembering a CEO’s 4-year-old daughter’s favorite cartoon, or how he complimented an ancient rich lady on her brooch. She found his ability to make everyone feel important to him weirdly attractive. But, when Harry and his friends would so quickly fall in and out of industry talk, making inside jokes or using technically lingo, she often found herself feeling weird. Like she was an anchor weighing him down. His constant need to keep an arm around her waist, or to explain a joke to her, or rephrase something in a way that she would understand, it made her wonder if he wouldn’t be more present in the moment if she wasn’t trailing behind him, so she found a quiet place to sit and admire him from a distance, hoping he’d be too engrossed in his friends’ conversations to notice her absence.

She pulled out her phone to check the time. It was almost midnight. She could pass the time by scrolling through her phone, but it would honestly just make her more miserable. Scrolling through Instagram posts of people that felt so far away would just hurt.

Perhaps this whole thing wouldn’t be on her mind if things in her own friendship were different. The truth was that some of her most important relationships have felt nonexistent lately. Which made her more conscious of how she related to people. Often even wondering if she had some invisible flaw that she’s failing to see, or if she was too stubborn to realize that she was unintentionally pushing people away. It felt like her relationship with Harry had altered the way that people saw her. Friends that she had had for quite sometime, and honestly thought would hold on to forever, were now gone without a real explanation. It was like they’d decided on her behalf that she no longer needed them. They began acting different around her, gradually growing colder and more indifferent. It was difficult to come to the realization that, if they would treat her this way, maybe they weren’t really friends in the first place. Maybe they only liked having her around to make them feel better about themselves and seeing her happy, successful, and in a relationship with someone like Harry was doing the exact opposite of making them feel good. So, they no longer had any use for her.

She felt a lump form in her throat. At least ending friendships in this way was better than the opposite. The people who’d never actually liked her, never treated her with any respect at all, and never bothered to hide their feelings about her suddenly “reconnecting” with her because they found out who her boyfriend is. How did things get so fucked up and why hadn’t she noticed until it was too late?

“There you are!” The feeling of Harry’s soft lips kissing her cheek yanked her out of her spiral. “How’re you, darlin’?” He smiled, grabbing the stool next to her and ordering a drink. He still had a smile on his face and seemed to be giggling to himself.

The look he was giving her forced her to smile back. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh, it’s- it’s nothing Mitch was just telling a funny story over there.” Harry chuckled at the memory of the encounter. “Anyway, where’d you run off to? I looked behind me and you’d vanished.”

She waited for a moment, considering just telling him the truth but she didn’t want to burden him. He was clearly having a good time. And he’d earned it. He’d been working so hard lately; a night out with his favorite people is what he needs. Besides, she liked that Harry felt comfortable enough to introduce her to his friends and bring her to industry events. She didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.

“N-nowhere, I- my heels are just too much. Probably should’ve worn a different shoe tonight.”

Harry’s brows furrowed. “Oh, I’m so sorry, baby. Wanna go home?”

“Oh- no, no. Don’t worry about me. I’m good just staying right here. You go, have fun.”

Harry wasn’t having it. She should’ve expected it. He wasn’t the kind of person to just abandon her after she’d admitted to being in pain. Instead of going back out there, he brought the party over to her. Within minutes, Mitch, Sarah, Pauli, some assistants from the wardrobe department and a few drum techs were gathered around her previously private corner. They’d ordered some appetizers and sat around telling stories from past tours, making plans to visit the landmarks and hidden gems of certain cities they were touring, and recalling the time someone had intentionally re-tuned Mitch’s guitar and fucked up his string-matching.

For the whole night, Harry’s hands were on her thigh, glancing at her in between conversations and casually kissing the top of her head. She felt selfish for not having fun. After all he does for her, and after he’s forced everyone to hang out at the bar so she can be included. She still felt like an outsider looking in. What the hell was wrong with her?

The ride home was quiet. Harry asked her if she wanted to take her shoes off and stretch her legs but she’d just hummed a quiet “no,” looking out the window of the passengers seat to avoid his eyes.

She stood in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and trying to shake the feeling of intense isolation that had clung to her. She wished she could wipe it off the way she’d just wiped off her makeup. Maybe if she just went to bed and started fresh tomorrow?

Harry called her name “come over here and give me a cuddle alreadyyyy.”

She made her way to the bed where he’d been plopped, reading a book as he waited for her. The goofy smile on his face disappeared as soon as he saw her. “What’s the matter, baby?”

“N-nothing.” Her voice betrayed her, already breaking. It’s just that the softness of Harry’s voice and the concern in his eyes threw her off. The tears that she’d been pushing away all night were now stinging the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Not nothing.” Harry asserted, reaching for the side of her hip and gesturing for her to come closer.

“It’s dumb. Please just forget it, Harry.” She pressed her palms to her eyes, wiping the tears away.

“It’s not dumb if it’s got you this upset, honey.”

“I- I just wish-“

Harry said nothing, his eyebrows shoot upward.

“I wish I wasn’t so lonely all the time.”

Harry felt his heart split in half at her words and the simplicity with which she’d said them. He wondered how long she’d felt this way. If the feeling just rolled off her tongue like that, it had to have been sitting in the pit of her stomach for a while.

“Lonely?” Was all he could say.

She just nodded, tears now unashamedly rolling down her face.

Harry was now replaying all the conversations that he’d had in the past few weeks where she seemed to jokingly suggest that she was fundamentally in likable, or that she was too rough around the edges for friends to want her around, or that she hated people so much that she hardly left the apartment anymore. How could he have been so blind? He knew her well enough to know that when she made self-deprecating jokes like this, it was usually because she believed them to be, at least partly, true.

“W-why?” He cleared his throat, hoping to sound more like an adult. “What’s made you feel so alone?”

She shrugged, finally pulling her hands away from her face and shifting nervously on top of the duvet. “Just don’t have any friends anymore, Harry.”

“What do you mean? You’ve got plenty of friends!”

“Name one.”

Harry wracked his brain. “Well there’s Je- okay, fine? What about Sa-“ he was stumped. Every name that came to his mind was a friend of his that had, by extension, gotten to know her through their relationship.

She could see the wheels turning in his head. “Exactly.” She huffed.

“Well, what about people at work? That nice lady, Melanie? You seem to get on really well. And, besides, you can share my friends!”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like I don’t know people. But those superficial relationships only make me feel worse. They just remind me of the connections that I’ve lost. I don’t- Harry, I don’t wanna have perfectly mundane conversations about the weather, or what I did over the weekend. That’s not what I mean. I just- I miss the kind of connection where you could text someone your random and extremely niche take on a specific topic that only you care about. Or call someone cuz you’re bored and want company. Or make spur of the moment plans. Or vent to without worrying if they’re secretly judging you for talking too much. You know? The kinds of things that you can just build overnight.”

“Intimacy.” He said simply.

“Yeah…”

Harry said nothing. He pulled her into his side, letting her lay her head on his shoulder and blink her tears away as he squeezed her shoulder.

“I’ll be your friend!” He said suddenly breaking the heavy silence.

She laughed, the chuckled disrupting her sobs. “Thanks, but, I think I like what we are.”

“No, I mean, like, sometimes you date someone but you can’t really talk to them about stuff. You know? I’m saying you can talk to me.”

“I just- I don’t know why it’s so hard for me.”

“Baby, it’s not your fau-“

“Don’t! Don’t say it, okay?”

“But you know it’s true.”

“It makes me feel like a bad person to just say that they’re dumb for not wanting to stay friends. Somehow I’m the perfect Angel and everyone else is wrong for leaving me.”

Harry said nothing for a moment. He could tell she firmly believed that and convincing her wasn’t going to be simple. Plus, he didn’t want to interrupt her as she finally let things off her chest. After he was sure she was done speaking, he started again.

“I’m not saying you’re perfect. Nobody is. We all have our flaws. But people who really care about you wouldn’t give up on you when things get difficult. Friendships only work if both people are invested.”

“What if- What if I’m just not good at this? What if people leave me because I’m not a good friend?”

“Bullshit.”

“Harry! I’m serious.”

“So am I! You care, and you’re so kind. And you’re fun and gracious and-“

“Then why am I so alone??”

Harry kissed the side of her head gently.

“I get what you mean.”

“No you don’t. You’re surrounded by people who love you all day everyday.”

“Yeah, but that hasn’t always been the case. I felt really lost and alone for years before all this happened. You know? After the band and all?”

“Hmm”

“It was hard.”

She just nodded silently listening to, taking his words in, letting the sound of his voice comfort her.

“Just can’t change who you are to make people want to stick around. You’ll lose sight of what matters to you. Even though it hurts to let people go.”

“It does.”

“I know baby.” He nuzzled his nose into her neck. “But you’ll meet the right friends eventually. Ones who won’t take advantage, won’t be threatened by your light and love.”

“I hope I do. This is exhausting.”

“Let me help. Hmm?”

She finally turned to face him, locking her lips into his, causing him to hum into her mouth.

“You always do, Harry. Everyday.”

[apomaro-mellow]

alright, i'm going to go ahead and made a rant post about this car situation just so i can get it out and put it to bed. I don't mind if yall wanna comment or whatever but after this I'm just done.

So we need to go back almost a year. My car at the time seemed to be on its last legs. There was a repair it needed that was going to cost like $1200 and I had already paid close to that amount just a few months prior for another repair. I didn't want to pay that again but was willing to save up until it was suggested that I start looking for another car.

I will give my dad props for this one and only thing. He held my hand during this process bc it was my first time. Every other car I had, had been gifted by my grandparents. This was my first time shopping for one. Now it gets interesting bc instead of just getting rid of my old car, my grandparents were going to foot the $1200 bill anyway so that my brother could get it.

I felt iffy about that situation but figured it was for the best since I'd be getting a vehicle with no problems. The problem came about when he decided to drive it around and rack up tickets while MY name was still on the title (this cause my insurance premium to shoot thru the roof but thankfully i got it fixed). I literally had to escort my brother to the DMV to sort out all the paperwork and even THEN he took forever to actually change the plates so I was STILL getting tickets on my record and I had to be the one to go and take what were still my license plates off the car.

This could have potentially been an asshole move, bc I had no idea where his new plates were, but that's not my responsibility. Lucky for him, the new plates were where? In the car, bc he never did anything with them after our DMV appointment. This all occurred in summer/fall 2023.

Then in December, he starts having problems with that car. It even stops on him a couple of times. There is talks of him getting another one. Just like me, all of his (many) previous cars were gifts from our grandparents. I should have probably said earlier but these are all USED cars. We're not getting brand new ones, but still, good condition that we've never had to pay a cent for.

It's also worth mentioning that in the like....six months my brother has had my old car he got hundreds of dollars worth of tickets. Not a single one he paid on his own. Either I took care of it bc they were in my name and he's literally gone to court for not paying, or my dad has paid. But I feel like I'm digressing.

About last week, he curses out my mom because she asks him to *checks notes* receive his infant child when his baby mama drops her off. Apparently that was disagreeable and he cursed her out on the phone, then later to her face when she got home. The part that stuck out in his rant to me was that no one in our family had ever done anything for him. I think just from what I've stated above, it's pretty obvious to see that's false.

So whyyyyyyy

Why why why

After that breakdown, my dad and grandparents thought "Let's just give him another car"?

It is exhausting to see the same thing happen again and again. But this time kind of burned me bad because he got the exact same car that I have. The one I had to shop for. The one I had to visit sellers for. The one I am currently on the hook for a $10,000 loan with like 15% interest. My mother told me this was the case but I didn't actually see the car until this morning.

Here's where I give my dad the benefit of the doubt a single time: It's a common car, dealers have a ton of them, it's probably still an attractive price range. And that's the end of it.

But what I see, is that I can do everything I was told to do: do well in school, get a degree, get a job, start building my career. And it gets me virtually the same as if I did none of those things and on top of it disrespected my parents to their faces.

Like really, why am I working so hard? If doing what I do gets me the same as a foul mouthed, lazy ass, ungrateful son who's shackin up with the most frustrating baby mama in the world then what the hell is this all for anyway?

[goodbyenorthernlights]

I'm curious to know if you've pulled some of Rezo's vibes into your characterisation of Saejid or did you perhaps already intend to draw some inspo from him when coming up with Saejid's premise. :3

Not at all, honestly! I didn't even know Rezo existed when I was developing Saejid- I was vaguely aware of Slayers as an anime I had tried watching as a teenager and only seen the first episode of before going "Ehhh this isn't my thing."

Saejid was originally based on a character I came up with as a teenager for a Gaia Online RP where the antagonists were themed around the idea of childhood fears- the monster under the closet, that sort of thing- and proto!Saejid (his name has been lost to the sands of time/my memory, alas) was meant to be the anthropomorphic personification of Iatrophobia (the fear of doctors) because finding doctors scary struck me as something kids do a lot. So I had this concept of a sadistic doctor archetype already just lying around.

(Proto!Saejid also was based off of a random drawing I'd found online, probably via searching something like "anime doctor" on photobucket and using what I found as a FC, because that was what you did on Gaia Online. Art theft was unfortunately widespread and not recognized as theft. This is actually one of the reasons I eventually stopped using the website for RP entirely tbh, once I learned more about art theft and why it's a problem I wasn't able to strike a comfortable balance between "most RPs expect you to provide a picture of your character" and. Not committing art theft about it. Anyway, tangent!

And proto!Saejid's FC wasn't of Rezo btw, it was... Some white haired anime dude in a labcoat with a :| expression that I think came from a yaoi manga originally.)

Anywho I had this concept lying around and I remember we wound up discussing the concept of Dragonsbayne as a farming sim with the characters as marriage candidates, because I was playing a lot of Rune Factory 4, and for a protag I made up this gender-neutral design I called Luka...

don't ask me how the pattern on their scarf works And Luka I had the concept that it would turn out they would be an amnesiac homunculus, and so I figured I'd make up a character who would have been Luka's creator.

I remembered this vague concept I had still floating in my brain and, never one to turn down the opportunity to draw a bishonen, wound up designing Saejid.

I didn't get into Slayers, and Rezo, until late 2021- digging thru my files, it looks like Saejid's original concept art was drawn sometime in February 2020.

isn't the ms paint glorious

Anyway, Rezo and Saejid do have some noticeable similarities- both of them are "mad scientist" archetypes with kind of a "usually cool-headed intellectual" thing going on, and both of them are very manipulative characters. And also they're both anime pretty boys. So it's likely that there's going to be some more overlap in characterization when I write either of them.

That said they are actually still very different characters in my head! I think the key is in their storylines/motivations. Saejid is a character who starts out in a very good and secure place for him, personally, where he has power over other people and everything he needs and wants. When his world starts changing and the fae community starts opening up to other people, he panics and schemes and conspires to keep his position from potentially changing- even though his behaviour ultimately puts him in a worse place than he'd have probably wound up if he'd just gone with the flow.

Basically he's like a billionaire who's mad that he might have to start paying more taxes and giving his employees health insurance.

Rezo on the other hand... My personal take is admittedly controversial in the fandom but I see him as someone who has spent his entire life struggling in the literal and metaphorical dark under the manipulations of an outside force, fruitlessly pursuing something he thinks will release him from his own misery. He's someone stuck in a genuinely bad situation and trying ruthlessly to get out of it.

If I had to compare Saejid to a Slayers character... Rezo would be in there in terms of demeanor and methodology, but so would Halcyform and a touch of Hellmaster. But in terms of motivation Saejid's, I think, actually closer to being the Supreme Elder from Slayers TRY. He wants to keep a "safe" status quo and doesn't care who suffers because of it, as long as they aren't someone he sees as "his people." (And by the end maybe not even that.)