#so it's hard for me to spend even 30 dollars on myself

[disgustingtwitches]

**MDNI**

"The closest to heaven we'll ever get"

Saw a lot of stuff about Simon helping out a s*x worker. Anyways, it reminded me of a personal experience I had so... Here I am 😃

5.5k words

*This is kind of Simon needing company and being a weirdo who needs constant validation.

Not gonna lie, it gets blasphemous at the end!

~

I always played around with the idea of being an escort. I was offered to do things while working in the strip club, but I always turned it down. I was spending every dollar I made because I could always make more, right? But when I broke up with my ex and realized I didn't have the credit or rental history to get my own place, I started panicking. The only option was to put down at least three months rent cash upfront, to even be considered. Suddenly, money was drying up at the club for me, my regulars were being whisked away by girls who would do more for less. I couldn't really get mad, it's just a part of the game really. So I knew what needed to be done.

I hit up one of my girlfriends and told her that I needed the extra cash and what I was willing to do for it. She helped me set up a website, took professional photos of me, made me business cards. The whole nine yards. Now all I had to do was wait. About a week in, I finally get my first client. It was awkward and surprisingly, both of our first times in this situation. I was sent back home in a black car and a few hundred bucks richer for just 30 minutes of my time. I felt a rush I never felt before.

As the months rolled by, the money came. Luxury was the new standard for me. Designer everything, nice dinners, even nicer dates. To my surprise a majority of my clientele were, at most, 10 years older than me, and even more surprisingly, good looking. Finance bros, guys with daddy's money, or just men who had the money to spare. They always talked about how it was more fun and less work to hire me than get a girlfriend. To get a pretty girl in their arm to parade around that wouldn't bicker and give them a hard time at the end of the night. No feelings attached, just company and good sex.

So here I am Saturday night. Instead of going out to the club like a normal woman my age in Manhattan should be doing. I am in my hotel. Waiting for a call or text from someone. Anybody. My hair in rollers, makeup half done. Just waiting. My phone lights up, a text coming in:

Hi, Gia. Was interested in spending an hour with you tonight, 11pm.

I smiled to myself. Finally, someone who reads my ad properly. Follows the instructions on what to text to me. Straight to the point.

Wonderful, just need a picture of your ID or passport.

I reply. Always a rule my girlfriend drilled into my head. Safety first. If they don't do it, then what could they be planning? Anything goes bad and all you have is a name that couldn't even be real. Any client worth your time understands your safety is a priority. So this was my way of feeling safer. A moment passes before my phone dings again.

A picture of a passport, full name and age. Along with a picture. He's cute. A little older than what I usually get but I'm not complaining. I quickly look him up, nothing out of the ordinary. Good.

Great. Thank you, Simon. I'll send an address for you to send a car at 10:20. Reach out to you then❤️

Before I start to get ready he texts,

Wear something casual.

Not an odd request. Actually most clients prefer it. Want more of a girlfriend vibe rather than an escort. I finished getting ready, helping myself to a glass of wine. Playing my usual bad bitch songs, it helped me turn into the woman I needed to be- from me to Gia.

10:25 rolls around. I get a screenshot of the Uber from him. 5 minutes out. I grab my purse and strut out of my hotel, to a nearby park. Never give your real address. Always make sure you're not being followed.

A black SUV pulls up, I slide in. Exchange pleasantries with the driver and I'm off. Headed to midtown. I share my location with a friend and how long I should be gone. My phone goes off.

Walk into the building and head to the elevators on the left. 36th floor. Apt. 4A.

I nod to myself before shooting a text of confirmation.

Got it. See you soon ;)

I pull up to the building, it's huge. Nicer than most places I've been. He must have some serious cash. I walk into the building and follow the directions he gave me. A little adrenaline rushes through me as I walk up to the door, always did when meeting someone new. I knock. He almost immediately opens the door, as if he was standing in front of it. Waiting.

Simon!

I say with a wide smile. He steps aside as I walk in, looking around. Nice place. Really nice place. Ceiling to floor windows, minimalist decor, the lovely smell of something masculine and expensive. He looks me up and down as I turn to him.

You look just like your pictures.

His voice is deep, alluring, unreadable. Sends a chill up my thighs that shoots straight to my core.

You do too.

I reply playfully. A small twitch plays at the corner of his mouth before disappearing. His face inscrutable. I shimmy off my coat before he takes it, hanging it up in a closet near the entrance. I wait for him to move. He stands, hands in his pockets, studying me. An awkward minute passes before he walks to the living room. I follow.

Really nice place you got here.

I try to make the moment more comfortable.

Hm.

He responds. He wasn't like the other men I've seen before. They are sociable, or at least try to be. I take a seat on the couch next to him, our knees barely touching.

Money's there.

He gestures to an envelope on the table. I nod, grabbing it.

Do you mind if I...?

I ask, opening it up. He nods and stands to pour himself a drink. My eyes widen. This is more than my usual rate. Much more. I'm quiet, trying not to show my shock.

Was hoping to do an overnight, if that's alright.

It was less of a question and more of a statement from him. It was more than enough for a night. I nodded.

Of course, I do wish you would've told me; I would've packed a bag.

I smiled, putting the envelope down on the table. I grab my phone and update my friend on how long I'd be gone for. I put away the phone quickly and look up at him. God, was he hot. And the way he carried himself made him even hotter, so nonchalant. He shrugged, sipping his drink before sitting next to me again, some space between us.

How long you been doing this?

He stares at me, gaze so intense I squirm a little.

Just a few months.

We're quiet again. Usually I try to carry a conversation if the other party can't hold one, but he makes me nervous. I talk again, asking mundane questions. It's like pulling teeth trying to have small talk with him. Maybe he's just not much of a talker.

I scoot closer to him, our knees barely touching. He puts his drink down, and rests his arms on the back of the couch. I lean in closer to him, resting my hand on his thigh before kissing his lips. He kisses back softly. We exchange light, almost timid kisses for awhile. He finally moves. A hand reaching up to grab at my hair, gently pulling. I moan faintly and that seems to set him off. He grabs me by the throat, not hard, just enough to stand me up and guide me to his bedroom; our kisses getting more intense. We strip each other of our clothes. I unbuckle his pants and pull them down, it feels like I'm opening a gift on Christmas. He's big. I smile up at him. He just looks down vacantly. I pull down his boxers and his erection springs up, tip drooling. He opens a drawer next to the bed, pulling out a condom and rolling it on himself.

Lay back.

He commands. I obey, opening my legs. I've done this so many times before, but this time it's different. As unceremoniously as he's treating this, I can't be more excited. His body is amazing, tattoos and scars just adding to the mysterious aura. His natural scent drives me wild. I look up to him as he crawls over me, lining himself up with me. He gives a couple lazy slaps on my slick. I take a sharp breath. He watches as he slides himself in, I tense up. Most guys are well... average. And he's well... much more than that.

Relax.

He huffs. Sliding himself in more, not giving me any time to adjust. I grip the bedsheets, clenching my jaw. I stare up at him, he doesn't even look at me. His face emotionless as he watches himself slide in and out. I try to unclench, opening myself up more to him.

Mhm...

He grunts. My nipples harden at his voice. I moan as he slams into my cervix repeatedly. It makes him shoot his eyes up at me, glaring into mine. His eyes dark pools, intense. He roughly hooks his arms under my knees, pushing them up to my chest. He digs even deeper into me as I whimper. He takes quick, shallow breaths.

You're so deep.

I say panting, the breath getting knocked out of me. I reach out to touch his muscular arms. He grunts and pounds harder into me. I throw my head back, whining. Trying to not wince in pain. He slows for a moment, pulling back, keeping my legs on his shoulders as he slides in and out. My breasts bounce up and down with each thrust.

You're hot.

A hint of emotion in his voice, he reaches down to knead my chest. My face gets hot. I tighten around him.

Fuck...

He makes a sound that almost resembles a moan. I smile up at him, almost proud of making him show any emotion. He looks down at me, a flicker in his eyes, a small smirk on his face that leaves as quickly as it came. He parts my legs and rubs at my clit in rough circles. I squirm under him.

Say my name.

He orders. His strokes picking up as I get used to him.

Simon~

As soon as his name leaves my lips, a deep rumble from his chest fills my ears. He leans over me, arms on either side of my head. I reach up to run my hands up and down the back of his neck.

Say you love me.

His request takes me aback. I pull him closer, my lips just under his ear.

I love you~

He immediately tenses up and takes a heavy breath. I could feel him twitch inside me as he finishes. He pulls away quickly, going to the bathroom to throw out the condom and clean up. He brings back a wet towel, wiping me down.

What's your name?

His tone as flat as ever.

Gia.

I responded. I know what he's actually asking me. Never, ever tell a trick your real name. Hell, he shouldn't even know your real age.

You know what I mean.

He glares at me. I shift awkwardly. Don't do it. He doesn't say a word, just stares in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Why should he know your real name anyways? I tell him my name. Stupid. Fucking dumbass. I kick myself. He nods and slides into some sweats, throwing me his shirt.

Let's watch something.

I throw on his shirt. Now this is what I'm used to. Being a temporary girlfriend. Pretending to be affectionate. Giving much needed companionship. He splays out on the couch as I lay on top of him. He turns on the TV, resting a hand on my ass and squeezing it. Maybe this is why he hires girls. Because of how distant he is. The man can't even hold a conversation. He flicks on some show he was in the middle of, a business dramedy that I couldn't care less about. I rest my head on his chest and he runs his fingers through my hair. We're like this for a while, quiet.

Tell me you love me.

He says dryly, looking down at me. I look up and kiss him.

I love you, Simon.

He gets hard immediately, rubbing himself on me. He gets up, lifting me up effortlessly, and throws me on the bed. He lays on top of me, pinning me down onto the bed. Kissing me much more passionately this time, like he was trying to taste every inch of my mouth.

Keep saying it.

His voice gruff. He moves his kisses down to my neck, pawing at my bust.

I love you, Simon.

I moan. I wanted him so badly. I don't care how I got him, I just wanted to take him. Something about him made me go crazy, deep inside. He yanks up the shirt I was wearing, moving his kisses more and more south.

You fuck other people raw?

I shake my head. I might've been a whore, but I wasn't reckless.

Never.

He nods.

Can I eat you out?

I look down at him. Something about seeing him between my legs makes me wanna say yes. The way his eyes looks almost as if he's pleading, desperate. No way. Never do that.

Yes.

I allow him to keep going. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I allowing this? Before I can think more, he plunges his tongue between my lips. Lapping up desperately, burying his face into me. I roll my eyes back, running my fingers through his hair.

I love you, Simon.

I gasp. It's the only thing he wanted me to say. I saw something in him, the way he reacted when I said that, it made me want to stay in his place forever. To never leave. Make him happy. It's just the good head talking, you'll snap back to your senses afterwards. He moans so quietly I can barely hear it. Barely. My legs on his shoulders, his arms wrapped around my thighs. Digging fingers into the soft flesh. He sucks on my nub repeatedly. It's a tortuously delicious feeling. I grip his hair a little.

I love you, Simon.

I look down at him, watching him devour me. He looks up at me, his eyes showing an emotion I can't decipher. He moves one hand down to slide two fingers into me.

I love you, Simon.

I moan, throwing my head back and smiling.

Hmm...

He mumbled into my heat. Pumping in and out before bending his fingers in a way that presses against my sweet spot. I hiss, pleasure flashing through me like a strobe light. I'm dripping wet. He pulls his fingers out and plunges his tongue into my entrance, trying to suck out every drop of my juices.

You taste good.

Voice as flat as ever, as if he isn't lost in between my folds. He drags his tongue up between my lips, from my entrance to my nub again. He slips his fingers in again, pressing up against my sweet spot repeatedly. I get lost in the feeling. God I could stay like this forever. He looks up at me, like he's looking for validation.

I love you, Simon~

I slip out between heavy breaths. He picks up the pace of his fingers and tongue. My face gets hot as I get closer, grip his hair a little harder. He goes even faster, harder, almost feverant. I roll my eyes back, panting. I whimper before crying out, tightening around his fingers in a vice grip.

I love you, Simon~

I force the words from my throat as I spasm under him. He continues, seemingly determined to draw another climax out of me. I mewled, trying to push his head away. He was unmoving for an unbearable moment. The only sounds were my pants and his slurping.

I love you, Simon.

I wailed, almost hoping it'll make him stop. He does thankfully. He pulls away, tearing off his sweats, beating off himself. Staring at me, his gaze is intense as ever. He grabs me by the thighs and drags me into his lap. He continues to stroke himself, staring into my wet core as if he was hypnotized by it.

Can I...

He starts, almost knowing he shouldn't ask the question.

Can I fuck you raw?

His voice is uncharacteristically soft and unsure. I blink at him, mind racing. ABORT! ABORT! THIS IS LIKE RULE #1 IN HOE-ING!!! He looked so delicious from this angle, his eyes still glued on my wetness. ARE YOU INSANE?? NO!! His throbbing, beautiful dick is twitching.

...yes.

I nod. You're the dumbest person on the planet. I insult myself a million different ways in my head. A brief moment of regret is replaced with pleasure as he slides his tip teasingly in and out of me. His jaw clenches, chest rising and falling faster. His voice cracks as a moan escapes him, his eyebrows furrow.

I love you, Simon.

I stare at him, eyes half lidded. The smallest smile spreads across his face, still looking at himself entering me. He inches his way in. Pulling in and out, going deeper each time. I squeeze him, make him bite his lip.

That's good.

He stated, voice quavering. He clears his throat before grabbing one leg and lifting it to my chest, digging deep into me. I take a sharp breath in. He hovers over me, arms on either side of my head again. He slides in and out, slowly at first then picking up to a punishing pace. I whimper and wiggle under him. He grabs my face, forcing me to look into his eyes that bore into mine.

I love you, Simon.

I stare right back at him, passion shooting right out of my eyes. His eyes flutter for a moment before blinking back into his cold, unnerving self. He continues to dig himself into me, slamming and grinding himself into the deepest parts of me. It's a painfully addicting feeling. I take his hand and press it up against my lower stomach so he can feel how much he fills me. He clenches his jaw so hard, it looks like his head could pop.

I love you, Simon.

I whisper. He drops down on top of me, snaking his arms around and behind my back to grab my ass. His mouth right next to my ear, I can hear his fast and shallow breaths. Little groans that slip out every now and then. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him tighter.

I love you, Simon.

I hear him groan under me as I said it again. He goes faster than before, pretty much jackhammering me into the mattress. My mouth is agape and head thrown back. Only grunts escape my throat as I get fucked senseless.

Mhm...like that?

His words bounce around in my empty head. I replay it in my head over and over until I clench around him, he doesn't stop though. It only seems to spur him on even more. His warm breath tickling my ear as it gets more ragged.

Keep saying it.

He demands through gritted teeth.

Fuck... I love you, Simon.

I squeak out the words. He huffs and continues to rampage my body.

Can I come inside you?

He asks- No, begs. No use in turning back now. Just the thought made me close again.

Yes.

I nod and he breathes harder and harder until he pleads in a strained voice,

Say it.

I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him deeper inside me.

I love you, Simon~

He spills inside me. His stammered breaths and moans driving me crazy. The feeling of him pumping into me driving me over the edge. I pull him closer, practically squeezing him.

I love you, Simon.

I tenderly kiss the top of his head as he nuzzles into my neck.

How often do you do this?

My head clears, a wave of regret coming over me.

Never. I never even hired anyone before you.

He says in a way so sincere I honestly believe him. How do you know when a trick is lying? Their mouth is open. Rules. Rules to live by, to be able to survive doing what I do. Rules. They all meant nothing as soon as I laid eyes on him. Somehow saw this coming a mile away in the back of my head. He pulled away from my grasp, disappointment flooded me. He leaned back, opening my legs: watching both of our cum dripping out of me.

Say it.

His eyes so focused, as if he were trying to take a picture with his mind; so he would never forget this moment.

I love you, Simon.

I say with a tender smile. His dick jumps. Good lord is this man insatiable. He stands up and does the same routine as before, cleaning himself up and then me. He hands me his shirt:

Here.

I throw it on and he leads me to the bathroom, grabbing me by the shoulders and making me face the mirror. He gently pushes my back, I lean my elbows on the countertop. I stand on the balls of my feet, trying to get my hips to meet his. As I look in the mirror, his face looks almost tender watching me sway my hips.

I love you, Simon~

I sing softly. He bites his lip, entering me again. God, I never get used to the feeling. He grabs my hips and pulls me onto him, he bottoms me out. Groaning louder this time, he pulls my hair back so I'm looking directly at the mirror, locking eyes with him.

S'it, pretty girl...

A corner of his mouth upturned just enough to know he's enjoying himself. His words make me flutter around him. He groans and starts to pound into me. The bathroom is filled with the duet of our breaths and groans. He pulls my hair so my back is pressed against his chest. He rests a hand on my throat, squeezing just enough. Moves his lips to my neck, still sliding in and out of me.

You love me? Huh?

He grunts, warm breath on the pulse of my neck.

I love you. So much.

I moaned. I repeated the phrase so many times, it started coming out of my mouth naturally. He moved his hand from my hair to my lower stomach, pressing against it so he could feel himself hitting my walls.

You love this dick, yeah? Say it.

His voice getting more demanding and urgent. I nod and look at him through the mirror, smiling.

I love it, I love this dick so much, Simon~

He nips at my neck as he continues to fuck me. His nips turn into bites. Bites that definitely leave marks. I didn't care, that didn't matter right now.

You're never fucking leaving, you know that?

A threat that sounded like heaven to me. He could keep me chained to the bed and I wouldn't care, just as long as he kept fucking me like this. I giggled with excitement.

You like that, hm?

He smiles against my skin before continuing to lick and bite my neck.

I love it~

I truly did. It felt heavenly. Better than anyone I've ever had. Ever. Something felt so familiar about his touch. As if I belonged there.

I love you, Simon~

At this point I feel like I'm reciting a prayer, the words flowing out of me like a stream. I was melting in his arms.

Turn around, wanna see that pretty face.

I did so eagerly as he lifted me up on the counter and slid inside me. I smirked up at him. He, as always, was watching himself impale me.

Looks so pretty...

He seemingly mumbled to himself. He leaned down and pressed our foreheads together, a firm hand on the back of my head. Hitting a spot so deep inside me I never knew I had. We were like this for a long minute, sloppy sounds of our sex bouncing off the walls.

I love you, Simon.

I stared into his eyes. They seem to soften for a moment before he tightened the grip on the back of my neck. A huff, and then he came undone. He stayed inside me until he was soft. He pulls out and pushes his fingers into my cunt, stuffing his seed back into me.

Hm.

He grunts in a way that sounds like approval before helping me off the counter. He leads me to bed and slips under the covers.

In my arms.

Commanding as he usually does. I press my head against his chest, his heart beating hard and fast. He wraps an arm around me, his touch much gentler than before. I fall asleep. Not too sure if he does too.

Morning comes and I'm woken up by the sun shining in my face. Sitting up, I'm in his bed, still wearing his shirt. Alone. I walk out to the living room and see him setting up breakfast on the coffee table.

You made this?

I question, surprised.

Ordered it. Good morning.

He turns to me, shoving his hands in his pockets. He looks at me expectantly. I blink at him.

Good morning.

I say. He looks at me as if he was anticipating something else. I think for a moment before suddenly remembering.

I love you, Simon.

He steps to the side, inviting me to sit on the couch. I help myself to a seat and look at the plate in front of me. It's simple, French toast and eggs. I help myself.

Are you gonna eat anything?

I look at him quizzically. He shakes his head, staring like always. We're silent as I finish my plate. I grab my phone and check the time. Almost time for me to leave.

Can I book you for longer?

His voice is gruff. An underlying tone, pleading?

It'll be expensive.

I didn't want to say that. Wanted to say I'll stay as long as he likes. But I already made too many mistakes. Gotta get back on track.

I don't care.

Of course he didn't. He could probably buy me out for the rest of my life if he wanted to. He pulled out his phone, asking for my personal number so he could send the money straight to my bank account. Hesitantly I gave it to him. He probably could find out that stuff if he wanted to anyways. My phone dings, I check my bank app. My eyes pop out of my head. I look up at him bewildered.

How long would that get me?

He asks, as if he didn't send me an ungodly amount of money.

It's enough for a whole week...

Shock still overwhelming me.

You wanna stay that long?

He doesn't really ask. He knows I'll say yes. Doesn't even wait for my answer.

I'll let you get your things.

He throws some of his clothes my way and sends me back in a car to the hotel. I grab my bags and checkout. Is this really happening? A call from my girlfriend. I tell her about his extension. She says something about making sure he's not a serial killer. We laugh, tells me to have fun, don't fall in love. I scoff as if that was the stupidest idea I've heard. As soon as I know it I'm back at his place, he's grabbing bags from me, setting them to the side. Turning to me and running a hand up the side of my waist.

I love you, Simon.

We spend the whole week tangled up in each other. Taking a break before I say those four words and he has me pinned against a wall or over a dresser or kitchen counter. Any flat surface, really.

It's Saturday night and we're showering, cleaning off sweat and other bodily fluids from each other. His touch is so gentle, handling me like I was a piece of china. He liked me. It was obvious. Seemed like the only way he knew how to show it was by fucking me, though. I liked him too. Maybe not to the extent he did.

Seemed like he found something he needed for a long time. He was hungry. Famished. He couldn't just let go of me. He's not satiated yet. Don't know if he'll ever be. It was a looming feeling. Dark and heavy. A little scary. But it made me feel more desired than I've ever been before. And not just a carnal desire. It made me feel coveted.

We're laid up on his couch. Watching the show I didn't care for before, a little more invested. My phone lights up, buzzing. The name of a regular of mine across the screen in big bold letters. This is usually the time of the month he calls to set up a date. A reminder that this is all temporary. I let it go to voicemail. He tenses up. Jealousy and disappointment radiating off him.

How much for the whole month?

He doesn't even let me think of an answer before speaking again.

How much to make you quit for good?

I'm a little shook, sure I've heard it a dozen times before. Always said in jest. But he's serious. The few words he said, he always seemed to mean. No need to waste his breath beating around the bush. My heart races. I can feel his pound against mine. A number doesn't come to my head.

Let's just see how this goes.

He doesn't like that answer. He wants something solid. A promise that I'll never leave. More than a promise. But that's as good as he can get right now. There's a tense silence between us.

I love you, Simon.

The only thing I can think of saying right now. He takes hold of me, climbing into the bed and sits me in his lap. His back against the headboard.

C'mon love.

He says frigid. An underlying tone of disappointment and hurt. I slide myself down on him, a little more adjusted to his size now. He wraps strong arms around my waist, pulling me so close it seems like he wants to coalesce into my very being.

Give me a number.

A demand that seems more like a plea. We hold each other. Unmoving as he is still buried deep inside me.

Maybe it is a little toxic to spiral into the addiction to fast money. Maybe I'm a little sick of pretending to be the perfect woman. Maybe it is a little exhausting to be a fantasy and nothing more. Maybe it is a little lonely when it's just me lying in bed, when I have to comfort others. Where's my comfort in all of this? Where's my happiness in all of this? No more fake smiles. No more fake orgasms. No more fake feelings. I don't care if he's lying. I want to indulge in delusion. Even for a moment.

Ok.

I give in. He leans over, placing me on my back before adjusting himself on top of me. Touches my face, his showing an emotion that is genuine and staggering. Devotion? It feels like it.

I could almost cry, the way he takes me like I'm his. The way he talks to me like I'm not someone he hired. That didn't matter anymore. I wasn't an escort to him. I was his girl. The sex was different. Transcendant. Divine. Did I know I wanted to be saved? Of course I didn't know; for the life of sin and suffering is simply a thing to toil in until you are shown salvation. Every time he came, he baptized me. I was born again in his eyes, I was perfect and clean. Absolved of my sins.

He looked at me with so much adoration. I looked up at him, much in the same way Magdalene did to her Redeemer. He had turned a prostitute into a Saint. The unshakeable feeling of deliverance washed over as he touched me, no longer a leper. I was saved by him. His body. His sweat. His seed. Akin to taking Communion. The closest to heaven we'll ever get.

[seraphsfire]

Life situation & kitty update! Help me stay in Seattle instead of being forced to go to wyoming

Hello! I was able to make rent this month, but so far I cannot make rent for next month.

Ko-fi has been holding donations since paypal has been flagging them as "income" so that no longer works.

If you would like to help me out using paypal, the link is HERE. I will look into other venmo and cashapp. you can also reach out for a commission! If you donated via paypal and would like me to draw you a little something in thanks, please let me know!

I also put together an AMAZON WISH LIST , most is things for the kitties or food and some non-essentials / self care things for the hell of it that are things i haven't been able to buy myself for a while. Other than rent, kitty supplies and food are what I spend most $ on.

More on what I'm facing and what my kitties need:

about the kitties:

My sweet kitty Jade, needs a steroidal shot for her dermatitis. She should have gotten another one on the 25th, but I had no money to take her to the vet and she started ripping her fur out and made big, golf-ball sized spots completely bald on her armpit and chest :'( We put her on benadryl, moisturized her, and gave her a little jacket thing to help but I can tell she's really uncomfortable and really needs a vet visit to get that. it's $80 just to visit my vet and i'm sure the shot could be anywhere from 10-40 dollars, I really don't know. She's not in danger of pulling huge chunks of fur out thanks to the little jacket but she's really not happy and it makes me so sad.

About my situation (kind of long, sorry):

My Parents (mostly my mom; it's very hard to get responses from my dad) gave me rent money for September, but then made it clear that she will no longer help me financially under any circumstance if I want to "choose" to live in Seattle, then I'm essentially on my own. She doesn't want to give me money because she doesn't want ours to be a "transactional-based relationship" (after spending my entire childhood having them pressure me to move out on my own)

My dad is convinced that since Seattle is a city, it is very unsafe (and too full of Democrats) and that we would be safer living in their small town of Pavilion, Wyoming--which is literally just like, a few very spaced out neighborhoods. The nearest actual town is a 30 minute drive, and it's not very big either, and I don't drive. I would be snowed in *with them* for 4+ MONTHS every year, and every summer unable to leave the house for weeks because of the heat.

My dad has told my sister and I that if we choose to live right next to them, where they could have complete control over our lives, they would even buy us a house--but because we're not doing that, they refuse to support us in the life we've chosen for ourselves. They do not see the cruelty in this and think we are being nonsensical staying somewhere like Seattle which is "dangerous" and they do not like that it is full of non-republicans. I came out as queer in 2016, something which they have never spoken about since. I would likely be the only (out) queer person for MILES, and I don't feel like being the guinea pig for whether the anti-gay people there are the kind who ignore you or the kind who will hatecrime/kill you (:

Since I'd be at zero in my bank account in wyoming, they would have complete control over what I eat (not fun since I have a messed up digestion), clothes I buy, where I go, and how I behave just like they did when I was a child, or they'll start taking things away hoping that "tough love" will work. (it just made me mentally ill lol)

If I start a job in a week and a half I might be okay, but if I can't start until after that I won't have enough for October rent. I have one interview coming up but the future is still very up in the air.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for asking my flatmate to actually go halves in rent + pay on time and / or asking her to help pay utilities?

(Long one sorry)

So I(25 FTM) live in a 2 bedroom flat with my flatmate (>25F) and my cat (11F). I've been living in the flat for around 3 years with different flatmates, and only my name is on the lease. It's always been a 50/50 split for rent even though the rooms are different sizes (mine is the smaller room) which I rationalised for myself as paying a bit more because I have my cat and myself.

However my current flatmate has not been paying half the rent for the year+ she's lived here, which was annoying but I could manage (was only a $30 difference or so), but recently our rent has gone up a lot (like almost $300 a month) which means I've really had to reassess a lot of my spending (hard cause I don't spend a lot outside of absolute necessities). Now this might be assholey but the last time she paid rent (the new amount) it was a very small amount short of half (like less than a dollar) but I already have a lot of issues with the general living situation so kinda want to have the correct amount even if its barely short of 50%.

She often pays rent late (longest was close to 2 weeks, rent is monthly) , which I wouldn't mind if she gave me a heads up or apologised or something but she hasn't at all.

The other issue is that our utility costs are going up. Currently I cover electricity and internet 100% on my own. I was fine covering the internet cause I work from home and previous flatmates didn't, but I did previously go 50/50 with the electricity bill with other flatmates. I probs wouldn't try to push for her to pay 50/50, but maybe if she could pay the difference with the internet (~$10 /month)

Important context (maybe?):

I did not really know my current flatmate before she moved in so we have no established relationship or anything like that

I was desperate to fill the room after my previous flatmate moved for uni, because of this splitting of utilities was not properly discussed before she moved in

I work minimum wage and can't do a lot of hours because of a variety of health stuff / disabilities so my money situation is not great nor stable

She is an international student doing her PhD but money does not seem to be too big an issue for her eg. travelling overseas (not back to her home country), going to music festivals , buying pricey tech for herself, etc.

(again sorry for length, unfortunately I post too much of my cat on my blog to safely pay the cat tax while still being anon sorry)

So, WIBTA for asking my flatmate to actually go halves in rent + pay on time and / or asking her to help pay utilities?

What are these acronyms?

[thegeminisage]

bro i was SO excited to get into coral island. have been waiting on it to come out of beta for literal years - i didn't want to play the early access version because i wanted to be able to enjoy the entire game at once. when it released i read something about like the merpeople romances not being ready until 2024 and i was like ehhhh should i wait but my brother was like no that'll give you something to bring you back to it later you have been talking and talking about this game it's finally out so you would be nuts not to buy it. so i bought it. $29.99 american dollars. that's about 3 hours of cleaning houses. i had some steam money though so i actually got it for $23

there is an "i'm stuck" button in the menu which acts as if you had passed out - you lose cash and stamina. once my game glitched and i ACTUALLY got stuck because the controls would not allow me to open the door. there've been a few other minor glitches here and there - some weird dialogue, or fenceposts vanishing if you put them in the wrong spot. and steam shows me the xbox controller button prompts instead of the ps4 ones. that was all fine. it's an indie game and it's just been out a couple of weeks. i didn't think a thing about it. for the past 3.5 days the only thing i've wanted to do is play more coral island. you might not be able to marry a merperson yet but i have been cleaning the ocean so i can go talk to them, you know?

but this morning moseyed my ass on over to the subreddit, sure i would find cool tips and trivia etc. instead it's every console player on earth talking about how the crashes make the game unplayable. even on the pc version, there's apparently only 3 merpeople you can even talk to and the cleaning the ocean quest ends with a literal "wip" on the screen. the pet adoption function is still in its infancy, you can't dig for fossils, kids don't grow up, and chests keep vanishing with items in them. i felt like i had only barely scratched the surface of this game but in actuality. maybe not.

andl ike. not to be a whiny pissbaby. but i am SO FUCKINGGG TIRED of games releasing when they aren't FINISHED. i thought an indie game that was in early access for SUCH a long fucking time would be safe from this phenomenon but apparently fucking not. i was fine to wait as long as they needed but when i am flat broke - when as a household we are food bank 2-3 times a month one house payment behind BROKE - to spend $30 on an INCOMPLETE GAME during the HOLIDAY SEASON when i have to fucking buy presents for people is INSANE. if i was going to play the INCOMPLETE version i could have paid the much lower early access price. and i deliberately on purpose did not do that and got tricked into doing it anyway!!!

like how can you raise your price and claim it's because the game is complete now and RELEASE IT ON CONSOLE when the game isn't actually complete now? did they need the extra money to continue development? did some suit stick his nose where it didn't belong? and my ass is WAY past 4 hours so there's no way i can return it. i'm stuck with this game now, just as it is, with the money i paid for it.

idek if i will keep playing. it's fucking fun as shit and ik when it's finished i'm gonna love the hell out of it, plus i've got a ways to go yet before i start hitting walls. but man what a way to take the wind out of a girl's sails. "wip." i spent the last 4 in-game days doing nothing but cleaning the ocean. good lord.

tbh going on reddit was a mistake. that was my bad. i would have preferred to find all this out the hard way and enjoy myself until then. or: better: i would have preferred not to buy the fucking game yet! wild how that works! i hate i hate i HATE this economy!!!!!!!!!! that's so fucking evil!!! i literally want my money back!

[strohller27]

Man. Last year was wild (memories and musings under the cut).

One memory from last year that I probably wont be over anytime soon is when I was working a retail popup on the waterfront for the cruise ship guests.

A bit of context: At this point of last year, I was painfully homeless and when I wasn’t spending $2200 a month airbnb-hopping, I was living out of a tent at a campground to save money. My access to showers and potable drinking water was iffy at best (the showers on the campground were $2 for five minutes, and the closest water spout that worked well enough to fill bottles with was the literal bathroom sink. I’m surprised the water didn’t make me sick. The water from there often left a really weird taste/cottony sensation in the back of my throat that took days to get rid of, unless I boiled it first, and that was *if* I had access to a power outlet and an electric kettle. Also one of the airbnbs I stayed at got the water shut off for almost 28 hours because the host wasn’t paying his goddamn bills. But that’s a story I tell elsewhere). I had no reliable access to refrigeration, whether I was at an airbnb or the campground, so everything I bought to eat had to be non-perishable. For a while there, I was skipping breakfast to save enough money to buy myself loaves of bread, peanut butter, protein bars, and ramen packets.

If I wanted a hot meal, the best thing I could get was Tim Horton’s (and when I did, I was mostly using a credit card). Sometimes the only reason I could afford to both eat and have a place to stay was because I had built up Tim’s rewards points.

Thank goodness it was still mostly summer and I wasn’t also freezing cold at night.

And then I had to go to work and there were so many customers at that waterfront popup telling me I should give them discounts because “Well, I’m broke, I spent all of my money on a cruise!”

Oh? Oh??? I’m so sorry, you poor, unfortunate little soul???? Does the poow wittle bwoke babykins need a wittle discount??

First off, friendo, you keep asking me if the price is in ‘american’ because you forgot that you’re in a literal different country right now. Second, you’re complaining to a minimum wage worker about how, ‘everything is so expensive here! Oh my god you have to pay that much in taxes? What do you mean I have to pay taxes on purchases, too’. You have main character syndrome and you have the absolute goddamned gall to think you deserve $300 off a $500 handmade, HAND EMBROIDERED woollen cape that you probably won’t even wear because you live in texas????

OH, YOU “““CAN’T AFFORD””” TO BUY THAT 30 DOLLAR SCARF BECAUSE YOU *CHECKS NOTES* HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO GO ON A LITERAL INTERNATIONAL FUCKING CRUISE, BETSY-ANN??

CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.

But the one that gets me the worst was when a guy was there with his daughter. She was probably 12 or 13. And she wanted to buy a little Canadian flag to commemorate her visit. It was literally priced at. Two. Dollars. Ninety five. Cents.

And he said to her, “Oh, come on. What good is buying this going to do? Who is it supporting.”

I was so done by that point I literally raised my hand and yelled.

“ME IT WILL SUPPORT ME IT WILL HELP ME DO FUN LITTLE THINGS LIKE BUY GROCERIES. AND EAT.”

The daughter bought the flag.

I spent so much of last year worrying about where I was going to live. Worrying about how precarious my situation was. My mother was on the phone with me almost begging me to “come home”. To give up on my dreams because it was too hard. Several people suggested that, including my academic advisor. But I wasn’t going to let it go. I let spite get me here and goddamned if I wasn’t going to let spite keep me hanging on.

And now I’m living in a place that has mostly everything I need. I don’t have to crawl under a desk to get to my bed. I don’t have to ask for permission or worry about who it will affect when I want to do something nice for myself. I’m able to make my own decisions about my living space. I get to set my own schedule. I get to do things at my own pace. I get to eat what I want to eat (and my landlady keeps feeding me, too). Now that I’m not hemorrhaging funds, I’ve been able to save up some money. I’m regularly showering and brushing my teeth. I finally have the energy make my goddamned bed every day. I’m taking care of myself in ways that seemed insurmountable last year.

I’m not saying it’s perfect, and there are still things I have to address (like the weird numb spots on the tips of both my big toes that I noticed when I was still living at the campground; like staying on a consistent schedule with my medications; like taking too many hours at work because I’m worried about affording things). And I’m aware that I completely lucked out that I speak enough Russian to be able to understand my landlord/lady. But this is so much better than I could have hoped for.

And the rest of it wasn’t all bad either. Airbnb-hopping was expensive, but staying in different areas helped me learn the city. And now I’m working at a place that I don’t hate with a passion like I did when I was working food service in the states. I actually really like my coworkers (and funny enough, the small business I work for really does feel like a family). I get to wear my kilts to work. I have the necessary knowledge to be a perfect fit for the job, and I was apparently ‘an answer to a prayer’.

The misty mornings on the campground were more magical than any other mornings I’ve ever experienced in my life. I walked around the campground and saw its little lake beach and river. I made friends with the spiders. I named most of them. Every time I heard the squirrels and chipmunks get into an argument I would giggle to myself and think ‘the girls are fightinng!’ I drove to the beach, and I saw a little boy hold up a crab he’d found with the biggest smile on his face when he asked if I wanted to pet it. I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to pick up the seaweed and eat it. I met interesting people. I made some friends. I went to a famous lighthouse. I rode the ferry to work and watched massive cruise ships docking, feeling as much awe as I did when I first saw Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I watched the sun both rise and set over the harbour. And I fell in love with this place despite all of the challenges that were in my path.

Perfect or not, I needed this. I needed to be self-sufficient and live my own life. I needed to see beauty and wonder and touch sand that was on a beach instead of on my bedroom floor. And I’m so sad that the only two times in my life I���ve really been able to do things like this and live the life I want were when I left the US. And because of that, I’m really not planning on going back to live there.

Funny that I had to leave the “land of the free” to really feel/be free, eh? Whatever the case, now I’m a maritimer by choice.

Here’s to 2024. May I learn from all that 2023 taught me (If shit sucks, hit da bricks. Leave. Do it scared. Do it alone and scared. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Find beauty in the mundane. Advocate for yourself and your skills. Make decisions that will provide for your future so that you can take the steps you want to take, even if people think something like learning Russian isn’t going to be useful. Take those steps you want to take to follow your dreams, even if your dream seems flimsy like a cardboard façade to you. Even if those are the hardest steps you ever have to take. Today can be ‘someday’, if you let it. The greatest adventure is what lies ahead, today and tomorrow are yet to be said). May 2024 be a year for more steps forward than steps back.

[zhuhongs]

well I thought I was going to fall asleep early, but it seems like I have too many things keeping me up and since its too cold to sit at my desk and write at my journal this thought is going on the internet. Tl:dr: tomorrow is my birthday. send me 50 dollars. i am going to bed. gn

Yea, recently everything just feels so.... much. Like I'm always at a state of just slightly overwhelmed that makes it feel usless to do anything. Like I'm worried about money, and I know that I have credit so I can use it and I have things that I need and things I want that I shouldn't deny myself of just because things are a bit trying (like food I want, things I need to fix). But then I can't help but have that internalized poor mantra of "why are u buying this when u have bills to pay?" which is dumb bc I deserve to use what little money I have in making my life more enjoyable . But I'm also like. sage did U really need to upgrade your phone or buy an interview shirt or hair dye? Like, no not technically, but these are things I should do to just make myself feel better. I don't want to be using a broken phone, might as well upgrade when theres a promotion that sure makes it hard right now but is a smart idea in the long run. And yes while I didn't need the dye or the shirt - it will make me more confident in my interview so I can get a higher paying job and not be surrounded by Stuff all day causing me to want to constantly buy things bc I wont be in a store 8hrs a day 5 days a week. So like, yes you do need those things and its negligible when I consider the credit I have. And even if I have some debts, I know that no one can bail me out becausemy family is in the same situation. And I have time. I just started working. Its a rough month, and the fact that I have a trip planned makes it even harder. Because that means more money. But if I always deny myself the opportunity to go and do things bc I don't have the money then I'd never leave my house ever, and thats how I grew up and I was miserable and the money will be gone and the month will be tight anyways so just go anddon't think about it. But I do think about it, because it's hard, and I work so hard my entire life, for what? To pay rent?? other people my age get to say the money they make and build a life yet I was dealt a shitty hand and have had to spend my time working for something people are given. And it hurts bc I've wasted so much time and worked so much andhave 9 dollars to my name and so much debt. But I will find a way. ANd it will all be paid off. I don' know how but I've done this same thing before, cried about it, and went to work the next day and figured it out. And my mother has done this everyday for the past 30 years, and I feel so sorryforher because I know it's hard. And she deserves so much more and I want to give it to her, and I'm not even 23. And tomorrow is my birthday and I have to go work. Even if I called out I don't know what it would help. And I want to go out with my friends and have a good time but I need to paymy car and I need to pay my bills. And I work 9 to 5 and when I get home I have to walk my dog and make dinner. And it's cold. And by the time all of that is done I feel like I have no time to make art or practice chinese or do any of my hobbies and better myself. I''m so tired that all I do is sleep. And I feel myself falling into old habits. And I hate it, i hate it, I am trying so hard to clawmy way out of it. It's starting with a simple routine. Even if it hasn't gotten to the point where I sit and draw or read or write every day. At least I do the dishes when I finish eating, brush my teeth twice a day, foldmy clothes, make my bed, stay off my phone during my breaks, and pack a lunch. Even if that's something I should have achieved long ago, I didn't. So now I need to do that before I can learn how to do hwat I want sadly, because dreamings costs money and dreaming requires habits. AAAAAA. okay. I need to go to bed bc I need to be up at 8am to get ready for work. Happy bday to me.

[thedarkcaustic]

It's taken me till my 30's to learn that we need to do things just for fun--

(CW: Mentions of diet culture and body image issues)

I don't think the people around me necessarily set out to raise me with the idea that everything had to be the best, but it's certainly what I internalized. I also internalized this idea that you are either good at something or you're not. I mean, yes I was told to practice, but there was also this like weird emphasize on natural talent - you either had it, and should practice to build it up, or you didn't have talent and therefore any time spent practicing was a waste of time.

But I was never encouraged, and even to some degree, to do things just because they were fun. Drawing, dancing, learning instruments, writing --

None of it was just for fun. Just because humans like to create art. I'm thinking about this on a couple different fronts.

One, I'm doing this like deep work on unpacking diet culture (and the many diets I was put on without my consent growing up and how that has impacted both my physical and mental health). A huge part of unpacking internalized diet culture and the relationship with my body isn't just how I eat - but how I move my body. And I've had periods of my life where I was very active, and I'm currently not active at all and trying to figure out how to get myself active again.

And my therapist is literally the first person on earth to suggest I find a physical activity that brings me joy. Moving my body has literally never been about joy one day in my whole fucking life. I did karate for over a decade (which I did happen to love!) but that was so I could defend myself. I hired personal trainers and did crossfit and ran 5Ks-- because people kept tell me I needed to be thinner. Nothing was ever good enough. I'd spend hours in the gym and trying so hard and still-- being told that it wasn't good enough. Trying so hard and always failing and dreading going to the gym and spending all of this time emotionally preparing myself to go to the gym because going to the gym was supposed to make me thinner! And I would enjoy the benefits of the gym! And it would improve my mood! But it became this miserable thing that swallowed my life whole. I couldn't do any other hobbies because I was going to the gym and it's a whole affair with find the time and the money and the energy and how is it gonna fit into my literal work schedule and when am I going to shower and how am I going to sleep and when am I going to eat dinner--

Just making me so miserable. And still not being thin enough. And still not lifting heavy enough, running fast enough, having good enough form, doing enough reps-- Not making friends at the gym. Hating navigating the social space at the gym. Sometimes having literal PTSD flashbacks in my body and being unable to explain, "I can't do that because my body feels like I'm being sexually assaulted when I move in that way." Because trauma is irrational and hard to articulate.

I really don't want to blame anyone, cause I don't think anyone is to blame and I think the adults in my life genuinely wanted me to be healthy-- but when I think back on the physical activities I did as a kid, and PE classes-- how they were all so miserable. I wish I had been, instead, taught to just find movement that brings me joy. Yes, some physical activity is arguably better exercise than others. But any movement at all is better than the hours I spend on my couch. It's hard to try to motivate myself to find physical activity I enjoy when, for so long, it's been stepped in misery both physically, emotionally and socially.

If I had been encouraged to literally just have fun, and not be perfect, I think it would be a totally different story.

It's hilarious how in the need to police my body (and all many fat bodies), those people who were so offended by my few extra pounds as a teen, have actually made me fatter. Caring so hard for my health that I am spending hundreds of dollars a month on multiple professionals to help me untangle the web of lies I was raised in.

Thinking about humans as creatures who are just seeking happy brain chemicals has been one of the single most important realizations of my adult life. I believe my body wants to move, my brain wants to move. It's just a lot to unlearn.

[toalliveloved]

8/10/24

Money. This foolish concept.

It determines what you eat, or lackthereof. I reached for the flour tucked in the cupboard. I’m glad I never make eggs in the morning, I seem to buy them and romanticize the idea but they’ve now been my savior. I added too much water to the eggs and flour. I hopelessly mixed the unmeasured ingredients in a Tupperware, hoping for the best. I center poured them like pancakes on a skillet. I shuffled around the spice cabinet to find cinnamon and 1 Splenda I could mix with water as dip. This is all that I will eat in a day. Trying not to let an oyster platter on Instagram throw me off the edge.

I was supposed to be in residential treatment at this time. My insurance policy wouldn’t cover it. I needed a 3,500 deductible, which isn’t even two months of full-time work for me. After I filed for FMLA from my main job, I was informed I haven’t accrued enough money to use PTO. I have nothing but $30 and a month off. My rent payment is gaining on me. Miraculously, I have a temp job floating around luxury hotels and condominiums as a front desk agent. I watch people in fancy jewelry snark at my rough edges. I’ve never tasted caviar, but I’m sure they abandoned their leftovers at some five star next to a pathetic tip.

I’m mostly concerned because I’ve read only two chapters of a library book, and touched my DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) workbook maybe twice. I’ve done nothing but sit in my room, inhaling the comfort of weed and exhaling this insatiable discontent. I have no money to fly home and embrace my family who I’m so far removed from. It’s been a sweaty marathon of work for maintenance. I have little time for therapy and spend too much time rationing old prescription drugs. I can’t even afford to be sick.

$30 will only fill up a quarter of my gas tank. I have $5 left on a McDonald’s gift card in case I have to consider shoplifting. I don’t qualify for food stamps because of the 1,100 dollars I make biweekly. My rent is one of those paychecks, my car note is $428, my insurance is inactive because I can’t afford it. I have gas, little groceries and miscellaneous fees to take care of with the remainder of my income. I know what you’re thinking. It’s a luxury to have a car, an expensive one at that. My 2017 Jeep Patriot is big enough to sleep in, parked neatly out front, just in case I have to live in it; again.

I was born economically six feet under, so I have to work twice as hard as the average citizen to live. Simultaneously, I must attend college, watching federal student aid take a sledgehammer to my credit report. I sought moving to another country to avoid this bloody hamster wheel. I’m a dreamer, an empty vessel washed on the shore of Miami Beach. I couldn’t move 2 feet without the current pulling me back out to sea. Moving to Spain would band-aid a hemorrhage, my fake husband and I were living in the clouds. Our dreams quickly turned into nightmares, lawyers fees, and stagnancy which are all one and the same. I thought of going back home to Boston, remembering this same feeling, just frostbitten.

I was conditioned to this lifestyle. I’ve only ever been a minority in big cities. I’ve had glimpses and appetizers of what money could buy me. I feel I deserve more than what my circumstances are. I try to ignore the way kids in alternative countries have no shoes, but they never knew any better. I only engage in the thought of their happiness, having a sense of community and always having a hot plate, even if it’s from the neighbors. You could be homeless here, a product of the streets and even I wouldn’t blink an eye. The idea that my few cents would buy drugs angered me. Hidden behind windows and my steering wheel, I knew that even I couldn’t afford to give up a few cents.

Among the hardships of what this life provides, money has value in the way you handle this life. How I long for a residential facility in Wyoming to gather my thoughts and rebuild myself. How I wish food wasn’t a privilege. Money to build a wall but no money to cover tuition. I didn’t need luxury, I needed a sense of belonging and basic necessities. I didn’t want to decipher what I did and did not need from Dollar Tree. Money is enough to break us down to our knees. Imagine, a deficit in every other department of life.

[rodechi]

Living Anxiety

It is 4am and I am unable to sleep, and so I find myself writing the rough draft of this in the hopes that writing it down will tire me out. To all of you who have noticed me withdrawing more and more lately, I am pulling back the curtain a bit to share a bit of what I have been wrestling with privately.

To give some insight into my home life: it is a house, but not my home. I have lived here in this small podunk town in Tennessee all my life. Opportunities were always few and far between unless you work a dead-end job for pennies on the dollar (TN has no state minimum wage, so a lot of jobs will start you at the federal $7.25/hr -- or less if you work a job that gets tips!) or really enjoy dealing in antique furniture. It's also a terrible place to live as someone queer. My nephew got run off the road just last year because an older man saw him with makeup on, veering toward him and forcing him off the road, calling him slurs in the process. Hell, I STILL have neighbors who are die-hard Trump supporters. Which brings me to my mother. Mercifully, she's very anti-Trump, but in many ways still very conservative. She worked as a nurse nearly 40 years and is set in beliefs from that long ago as well. To her, gender is immutable -- although I have been on HRT for over 2 years now, she doesn't make even the barest effort to acknowledge it. To her, I will always be Daniel, not Wren. Always her little boy. Always "him". I'm not even respected enough to have my own bank account; she has access to view my statements at any time and will frequently question me about purchases I make, money I send to friends and partners, anything. "I want to make sure it's you spending your money, not anyone else." No trust, no boundaries. Hell, she told me once "My boundaries mean that I can ignore yours." In addition, she's developed a victim complex, always blaming me for perceived slights against her that she has imagined. She uses that as fuel to make "jokes" about how she wants to tie me up so I'd miss a flight away or how she'll get me arrested for something just so I wouldn't be able to leave.

With all of that in mind, you can surely see why I would be eager to move away. However, there are a few extenuating factors that make it difficult for me, especially lately. Notably, my lack of income, lack of living history (since I've lived here my whole life), and just sheer logistics.

First off, at the moment, I have no income. I had a job, from April 2018 until January 2022. I worked as a veterinary assistant at a local clinic, since I wanted a job that served a purpose and I love animals. I initially wanted to go to college for it (after failing at another college under a different major), but quickly learned that while I was okay with doing it as a job, I didn't want it to be my career. I was overworked, underpaid, taken advantage of, and regularly given tasks outside my job description and above my paygrade. I was part-time, despite being scheduled for 30 hour workweeks (and frequently having to stay an average of 4 to 6 hours late over the week). As such, no benefits! Woooo! I was also given the job of about 3 to 4 other people, including being the person expected to teach the newer hires, perform tech support, and more roles beyond that. It was a soul-crushing line of work that chewed me up and spit me out. I even had to write up one of my bosses (and got her forced into retirement) because she would punch and kick some dogs, and one of the doctors that replaced her… I still relive a moment where I had to assist him with a euthanasia on a puppy that he botched and did improperly (and illegally!) So while I only worked there just shy of 4 years, it left me with the worst burnout, depression, anxiety, and compassion fatigue I have ever experienced in my life. When I found myself getting impatient and mad at the animals regularly, I knew that was my sign to quit while I could. I should have gotten another job since then, but I was content to live off my savings while I recovered my mental health.

In addition to these issues, I also have been living with a phobia of driving a car. Not just a fear, mind you. An honest-to-God "diagnosed by a psychiatrist" phobia. Not just me being worried I'll get into an accident or anything… Even thinking about being behind the steering wheel of a car is enough to send me into panic attacks. Mom forced me to take Driver's Education in high school, and I forced myself to drive in the hope that I could condition myself to get past it. Instead I had a hellish semester, with the teacher literally telling me "The only reason I'm not failing you is that you didn't crash the car." and criticizing me because "You will do something right 10 times and then screw it up so bad the next it's like you've never done it." It's definitely given me a complex on top of the existing phobia. And so, living in this town where a car is basically mandatory, my options for getting out are very limited.

And so, when one of my partners invited me to move to the West Coast to be with them, I was eager to get out. So we have been spending the past few weeks looking at apartments online, trying to find a place that would take us, even with me being dead weight as I am now with no job, no living history, and mediocre credit. It's been incredibly stressful, and we are still searching. But god if it ain't soulcrushing. Most places require us to have a cosigner, and most places in the area require them to have the frankly-absurd requirement of the cosigner making 4 times the rent. My parents refuse, not wanting to be responsible for "someone you don't know." At this point our options are getting slimmer and slimmer, with the deadline baring down on us.

And so here I am, in a house where I am regularly emotionally abused, in a state that hates me for being pansexual and transgender, trying to move to a state where no apartment will take me because I'm expected to have an income from a job that I can't get until I'm over there. It hurts and it stresses me the fuck out.

I could write so much more, but I'm exhausted and upset. I'm going to nap.

[freeworldallahexecutivembaclass]

Good morning

I propose that Minimum based wages and salary get a big raise in all regions cities towns and countries California pay $ 20 to $ 22 dollars an hour New York City $ 15 to 17 $ dollars an hour for base salary how about all cities and regions and places like Atlanta , Texas and Louisiana, Kentucky , Alabama raise their pay standards for its every day worker to that same amount of starting out at $ 22 dollars an hour call it eliminating the working poor and poverty in general and paying them a livable wage , pay your workers generously and they will provide better services for your company and represent your companies better with pride and having customers coming back to their second home your store and establishment . This is very sad and needs attention to this some states where people go to work and provide years of hard work to work and get nothing in return from their employers they give great service and keep their customers coming back and yet the minimum wage been stuck since 2009 while so much states have give their workers a raise that is a shame I hope they catch up me and Governor Andrew Cuomo raised for New York state and city and other cities with my incubator my machine and other cities and states followed suit California pay their workers $ 20 dollars now imagine every state in those regions raise their wages to the same amount at $ 20 dollars an hour in Texas , Atlanta , Louisiana , Tennessee, North Carolina and even South Carolina out there hopefully they carry on from there and all states and cities follow suit and raise their wages and pay their workers their fair wage .

Get the message , we made progress if you look at the pay where it used to be now we just need to get these employers to pay us a lot more they get tax benefits to pay you more and we need employers to decrease the taxes on our paychecks , so we can afford to make it to work and to be able to work at a place and a boss we enjoy .

Maura Tracy Healey is an American lawyer and politician serving as the 73rd governor of Massachusetts since 2023. A member of the Democratic Party, she served as Massachusetts Attorney General from 2015 to 2023 and was elected governor in 2022, defeating the Republican nominee, former state representative Geoff Diehl

CoverageHealey signs budget bill, vetoes $317 million in spendingUpdated July 30, 2024 Colin A. Young, State House News ServiceGov. Maura Healey signs the fiscal 2025 budget at the State House. (Jesse Costa/WBUR)Gov. Maura Healey signs the fiscal 2025 budget at the State House. (Jesse Costa/WBUR)Gov. Maura Healey gave her OK to sweeping statewide policy changes Monday afternoon as part of the overdue fiscal year 2025 budget, signing free community college, online Mass. Lottery products, free rides on regional transit authorities and more into law while making only minor adjustments to the spending plan crafted by House and Senate Democrats .

Say it out loud we support this , permanent free community college in Massachussets hopefully more states , cities and other countries follow suit , congratulations .

Congratulations on the permanent free community college for Massachusetts I'm self educated but me myself would want my kids or any kids for that matter to have a much better future than I did and education is going to get you there all the time it never fails the magic and wonder of having an education and what it can do for you it opens up different worlds and more opportunities for you .

Allen Henry , Brooklyn NYC Ceo , Incubator and Hospital owner I own my own hospital and incubator in Brooklyn New York City

The Allen Street guy my field of studies until I branched out now my help reach across all races and communities and neighborhoods on promoting betterment in diversity .

And I'm

Spending my summer in Pittsfield Massachusetts living outside to get a free business education .

Governor Maura Healey -

Every taxpayer dollar is focused on making life better for all who live and work in our state."Legislators packed the budget with policy provisions, authorizing free community college, free rides on regional transit services, and legal online Lottery sales to fund a permanent Commonwealth Cares for Children (C3) grant program that launched during the pandemic with federal dollars — all of which Healey signed off on Monday. The governor also touted the budget's investment in her "Literacy Launch" program, which aims to connect all children from three years old to third grade with high-quality and evidence-based reading instruction, as well as its dedication of 1 percent of total spending to environment and energy initiatives.The Senate initiative to make community college permanently free for all will cost $117.5 million, covering tuition and fees for students. And the House-backed idea of authorizing online Lottery sales is projected to pull in $100 million for the popular C3 early education grant program. Another section of the budget aims to prevent so-called home equity theft, which refers to a municipality taking more of a property owner's earned equity than is owed in unpaid taxes and other expenses."All of these investments are focused on making life better, making life easier for people in Massachusetts, making it more affordable to live here, to work here, to raise children here. This also makes us more competitive — more competitive for our employers, for economic growth, particularly as we compare ourselves to other states," Healey said. "So it's a really important investment, this budget."

Big businesses invite themselves around me where I'm at so good luck to you and your city .

Hopefully and good luck and check out all definitions of what having a credit union does for you and your neighborhoods it equals lower interest rates on car loans and mortgages and even loans to buy you and your families first home every town should invest in a credit union to build your city up and make it better for all people .

Hopefully guys and good luck it usually does happen around me so give it like 1 year and watch your city get much better , good luck .

Bringing business to Springfield , Massachusetts, Lee Massachusetts , Pittsfield Massachusetts North street is that perfect location inviting all business to join this small town and it's flavor and turn into a hub of progress fun great nightlife and economic prosperity for all people .Environmental impact report : Create thousands of more into the tens of thousands of jobs to their country and entertainment and food and fun major national chains to that small town flavor for your city . Inviting

KFC

Olive Garden

Home Depot

Walmart

Whole foods supermarket

State farm insurance

Farmers insurance

Credit unions

NBA store

NFL store

NHL store

Champs sports

NBA cards store

NFL cards store

NHL cards store

Gap

Old Navy

These companies bring jobs full time jobs for part time students from their free community college classes where they could work and support themselves while in school

Jobs such as :

Stock clerk

Cashiers

Cooks

Prep cooking

Maintenance men and women

Janitors

Security

Drivers

Delivery

Warehouse

Bookkeeping

Accountant

General mangers

Regional managers of a stores national chain Jobs is needed just for the culture of the community and to better the roads and the nightlife and the mood of these communities and neighborhoods .

How does a credit union work?

A credit union is a self-help co-operative whose members pool their savings to provide each other with credit at a low interest rate. To be part of a credit union you have to share a common bond with other members. This is something you all have in common such as: living or working in the same area.

How do credit unions make money?Any income the credit union generates through interest, fees and loans is then used to fund community projects, reinvest into the organization or provide services that directly benefit members, like paying higher savings interest rates.Jun 22, 2023

What is the difference between a credit union and a mutual savings bank?

Credit unions are exempt from federal tax and most state taxes. Mutual savings banks pay taxes, including federal income tax. If [insert name of credit union] converts to a mutual savings bank, these additional expenses may contribute to lower savings rates, higher loan rates, or additional fees for services”.

How does a credit union work?

A credit union is a self-help co-operative whose members pool their savings to provide each other with credit at a low interest rate. To be part of a credit union you have to share a common bond with other members. This is something you all have in common such as: living or working in the same area.

Why would you use a credit union?

Profits made by credit unions are returned back to members in the form of reduced fees, higher savings rates and lower loan rates.

Sitting on a bench in front of my building in Pittsfield Massachussets 76 east from greyhound stations using flixbus services I just got here and I brought the vice president to your city already and the Governor passes the free permanent emphasis on the word free and permanent free community college no tuition good advantage for a great future for you , I love living now life has been good to me and now to you .

Taking a year off sleeping in front of my building given to me by 2 politicians now literally no lie that is cool with me , thanks .

Problems fixed my name cleared I own my own incubator my own hospital in Brooklyn New York City attached to my technology hospital and I'm staying with my hospital my incubator and what I'm about I'm keeping mines and move on from people from my past good luck to the common man and woman .

Again

I propose that Minimum based wages and salary get a big raise in all regions cities towns and countries California pay $ 20 to $ 22 dollars an hour New York City $ 15 to $ 17 $ dollars an hour for base salary how about all cities and regions and places like Atlanta , Texas and Louisiana, Kentucky , Alabama raise their pay standards for its every day worker to that same amount of starting out at $ 22 dollars an hour call it eliminating the working poor and poverty in general and paying them a livable wage , pay your workers generously and they will provide better services for your company and represent your companies better with pride and having customers coming back to their second home your store and establishment .

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3640

today was a decent day.

tw weight loss and food, childhood trauma about money

i decided midway through my day that i would try out the app my sister has been using for a year to track her calories and subsequently lose like 50 pounds.

i was not ready for it.

so for the time being, i'm going to use the app to track what i eat and become accustomed to tracking and figuring out what it is that works and what doesn't in terms of nutrient balance.

this is the first time i've ever thought to do something like this. but what got me was what my sister said as to why she started tracking it in the first place. she said, "i was tired of being a fatass." which, same.

so that was something.

i eventually decided to change it to what it is now after realizing that i was real fuckin hungry and needed dinner. so i'm gonna spend time learning first, and THEN i'll go into hyperfocus mode.

yeah.

at work today i played some games and wrote my china report and spent a while in there by myself. mom said to work from home. i told her i don't have that kind of space. she keeps telling me to use her office, but i literally can't do that. her office is so uncomfortable for me and it doesn't have enough space AND i'd have to use my computer on her desk that doesn't even have a way to connect monitors to my laptop. it sucks. so i don't work from home because i don't have space for it. so im always in the office.

which is fine. i much prefer being in the office to working from home. but that's just me.

the day was relatively calm.

at one point i talked to joel briefly about where my "don't ask for money" characteristic comes from. it's the ✨childhood trauma✨ from always knowing that we never had enough money. i had a hard enough time asking to go on field trips that i never asked for money to spend at the gift shop. i would go to the mall with my friends and not ask for money to spend, and instead use the few dollars i had as leftover from lunch money to buy a pair of fun socks if i could. never had the money for it. i knew that first-hand from an incredibly young age. so i don't ask for money.

so that was an interesting analysis.

joel asked me when my next therapy appointment was. it's in two weeks. i think i'll go back to every other week tbh.

after work i made my way back up here and i ended up stopping at mcnaldos and coming back with food. and now im in bed and it's 10:30. im proud of myself for getting in bed progressively earlier and earlier.

good job, momo.

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

school rant

today is our academic awards assembly and i know i wont get any but i so desperately want an academic award i mean truly i think id cry if i got one but unfortunately no matter how much i try i have such a hard time getting good grades. i pay attention, i do the work, i turn it in, etc etc but the issue is id like to also focus on trying not to off myself so trying to get all As and trying to let myself actually make it to graduation is something i dont think ill ever manage to do. idk how everyone else does it. my best grades and my worst grades are always when im mentally at my worst (rn tbh) so well just see if i can even swallow my pride and jealousy and get thru this assembly. plus my ma has been riding my ass abt what i want to do w my life, i would love to be an artist but that doesnt pay as much as global relations careers do, im in and love model UN so my parents want me to be some ambassador or something and i just wanna draw for a living. also wtf is with that??? like all adults ever tell me when i wanna act grown is that "ur still a child!!! ur still figuring life out!!! and u will be well into ur 20s!!! ppl dont have their lives figured out till at least 30!!!" then why make me choose what i wanna do for the rest of my life now and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to do that???? makes no sense to me

[claimbo]

Do you Understand #businessminded #successmotivated#successdriven#busine... 👉Most people will not be able to keep up ↓ It’s HARD even right now to cover basics expenses for most families.. 💰Investing is the best advice I can give you…one I only realized late in my life. Invest in yourself and in your financial future.We retirees should have spend less when young but we didn’t.  So, you now need to catch up! 😇INVEST IN YOURSELF!! 💸I now invest my money as often as I possibly can, but don’t wait until your 30 to come to this realization. And, if your 65, you need to press every dollar into service. The second one took me awhile to figure out as well, but glad I finally did. 😓I owned my business and worked for the government!  I was very successful, and built a great name for myself, in my industry which was fine, but now that I am retired I need more money. Unless you invested very well, (making unbelievable returns) you need to read this. I finally was able to achieve that through digital marketing, aka affiliate marketing. The only problem was that I had ZERO experience. I tried to go out and learn it on my own via YouTube & blogs, but just ended up frustrated with no results. Eventually, I was introduced to my now mentor who is & was my saving grace. I wouldn’t be anywhere near where I am today without him.  But it did not start overnight. Good things take time. I finally get to work 1-3 hours a day from my phone, computer, or pad I have been able to eliminate my debt. 👉🏼If you’re burnt out from your 9-5 that is going nowhere, want to be able to live life on your terms and learn how to create a better financial future or your now retired or disabled, you need to do this. Follow @margetingtom & Comment “I’M READY” and I’ll send over access to 17 step by step training videos to help you get started:#businessminded #successmotivations #successdriven #digitalmarketing #digitalproducts #smallbusiness #businessadviser #Passiveincome #digitalmarketingforbeginners #howtomakemoneyonline #richdadpoordad #seo #businessforretirees #businessforpeopleover40

[roguestarsailor]

so i was planning the NYC trip with my friends tonight and...i am actually quite excited to go now! i forgot what a real true city is like and it screams opportunity and fun everywhere! i think maybe that's where i need to be?

i was thinking i'd move over there in 2026 but i realize i'll be 30 and i dont know how to exist in a space with such young energy. how will i make friends? how do i find people my age? who would i even be by 30? i dont think i'll be too different when im that age but it does overwhelm me. its more new experiences and i dont know how many of those i can take solo. will i have a boyfriend by then? will i be close to marriage age? or will i just stay single and continue to do so? my career? i was looking up on linkedin of potentially roles i can apply to and i hate all of them! i dont even know what to do to get those higher paying roles. i dont have anyone to talk to. it was so much easier as a student because everyone was just higher level than me and i had role models to base my career off; now im on my own and i dont know where to even go to ask??

NYC, mixed with my anxieties of not finding a roommate and this city not being the city i had hope it to be, and not feeling like i fit in here is making me fantasize and wonder again. this place also does an AMAZING job making sure you can't live here unless you make at least $1 million dollar salary. NYC is also expensive yet somehow still livable? still full of those who hustle and bustle??

i do feel my age tho. i am ready for stability; i want to just...settle down and find a home and spend time in it. maybe its this roommate/living situation limbo that im in, but its exhausting. begging someone to come live with me? spamming the digital spaces to hope that that ONE person is willing to live temporarily with me? even if i got a roommate, its constantly reacting to the whims of other people who have such different goals? i cannot do this anymore... and also just the fact that i don't make enough to get my own place for a decent price! heartbreaking and it's just constantly thinking about money and what is worth the price. my time is also precious and im stretching it every single day.

maybe i should have tried to find a husband. i am dumb for wanting an independent life. its soo hard and im soooo tired. i'm tired to my bones. dual income would be soo fucken nice.

anyways, maybe it's just my anxieties these days. i even made the calculations for the anticipated costs and im so broke. i cannot afford a home at this rate. i literally need a new job and one that will pay even higher for me to be back on track again and on top of that finding a place to live that ensures my living expenses are low enough to achieve my long term goals. maybe a child is truly out of reach and i just have to be satisfied being on my own? just helping myself survive in cities and afford more high end apartments and have nice furniture? i think thats the goal now.

[queenbeewinner]

What's worth?

Hi luvs, haven't updated in a while. A month-ish or so.

Well I must say my weight hasn't fluctuated too much, I'm actually kind of discouraged because I've been trying really hard to loose more weight "formally"for like two months now, but maybe I need to be a little bit more extreme this time. My weigh fluctuates between 47-49 every freaking time! But I need to be 45 at most by summer pleaseeeee!

Anyways, the good thing about having some money I can call my own now (via savings, given from my parents + gifts from family and friends), is that you start to gain so much more perspective and maturity about the things you spend money in.

Like, yesterday I was at the Banana Republic store and started to see the prices of this clothes, they're more expensive to what I'm used to buy at Zara and H&M...so I decided to buy one blouse that I actually loved how it suited on me. This may not be a luxury brand, but it surely is high couture and it shows, so now I've been thinking about how good it feels to buy clothes instead of food!

Literally it got me thinking about all the ways I could earn more money to buy myself a new blouse like this every month, and I could perfectly earn like at least $30 dollars per month from my alternative business + save around $70 dollars or more from the food I eat monthly.

I just write about this to create conscience, that there are more importaant things in life that food, like clothes / relationships / study / sports!!

Would you rather look nice and skinny in quality clothes, or feel the fat overflowing from the edges of your hips while you wear something that's not nice at all or that's fast fashion and won't last long? Wouldn't you like to spend that money in new yoga or pilates classes? Or even a ballet class?

There's just so many thinks apart from food that can make you feel amazing, and I know that maybe by this time you have already reached your limit of restriction and are not loosing any weight, but you can easily loose it by implementing even more exercise into your fitness routine! By doing weight training or resistance training from pilates or yoga, you can create a little bit more muscle and this can create a faster metabolism!

That's what I'm planning on doing from now on, usually I just train like 3 to 4 days a week, but I still ca touch fat around my hips and my arms...well, the good thing is that I don't have that much core fat anymore.

But! The amount of fat I can still feel all around my body. It just doesn't let me sleep at night. And there's a girl at my Nervous System class that's super skinny and sure could wear whatever she wants and still look good. Some day that'll be me. I'll make sure of it.

See ya! Love ya! Take care luvs XOXO

[murphyzzz]

This was gonna be about struggling to make art but I gave myself a little internal therapy session instead.

I feel 800 years old when it comes to digital art. I only ever learned traditional and never had any technology that could work for making art. A few years ago my brother bought me a thing to plug in to my laptop to draw digitally but I’ve never used it. I want to, but art is really hard and painful and upsetting sometimes. I wish I knew more about technology but I can’t fully blame myself, i only ever used the 1998 dell desktop for boohbah watching family videos lmfao. Having grown up poor in the 2000s-2010s made me feel set me apart from people who could afford all the rapid changes going on in the world. With all my shit being hand me downs I relate more to 90s kids sometimes it’s funny. For example, I love Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and watched all their movies as a kid, bc they were cheap to rent from the family video nearby.

I hate that for me everything comes back to money. It was and still is something I’m always hyper aware of, as a kid my first thought was always “what’s cheapest” or “how do I get the most with (however many dollars)”. I have always used my own money for everything and especially so when buying my family gifts. I always begged to get paid for chores but never got a dime haha. I’m super cheap it’s almost pathetic but I love spending money on other people. I love spoiling people. But I can’t bring myself to shop for me.

For me everything comes back to being the oldest kid/sibling. I was totally a trial run, my parents have always admitted they never knew what they were doing, though. It does make me sad though when my parents talk about how toddler me used to “run the house” and take charge everything from plans to taking care of my siblings. I loved being a kid, but at the same time a piece of my brain was always connected to the real world even when I was little. I saw that my dad had to work to make money, that my mom’s (who was a stay at home mom until I was about 13ish) cleaning, cooking, and taking care of me and my brother was something crucial to the quality of our lives. I saw that my parents who just reached their 30’s struggled with bills and the house as well as having their own family problems and personal issues.

I have always been independent. But that doesn’t negate the fact that my independence is completely self made. I know I know too much about other people. I found while I was a teen understanding others was much easier than understanding myself. I’m now 21 and trying to meet the real me that has been living idle all these years.

I guess all of this was to say I’ve been able to bring myself to draw the last few days. It was a relief in a way. There is a part of the real me that I know like art and I can work with that. I might plug in and try out the drawing tablet my brother got me all those years ago. Because maybe just like how I know others better than myself, the only other person who lived a life close to mine might have the same feelings as me. Maybe he knows that digital art is something I should explore and work on. And although my motivation and willingness to do anything comes as fast as it goes, I want to make myself make digital art. Not just for me but for my brother, my sister, and my parents. My severe struggles have really affected them over the years and I’m trying to work to become a better person as an apology for all the issues my physical and mental health caused for everyone.

Guilty. As always. But I am more guilty over things I neglected to do. So we keep moving forward, no dream or destination in place yet, but maybe one day, and that’s enough of a goal for me.

Not sure where this came from, but some good introspection always does me well. If anyone read this and had any similar stuff come up I relate! I understand, I feel you, and if you ever wanna vent to an out of touch internet stranger I gotchu. Or we can have a conversation, we can show each other art, I don’t want anyone to feel alone because I did for the longest time and I still haven’t gotten over that fully. My point is I’m here and I’m a real person who’s got real shit too. <3