#so ive been struggling with the larger spaces. but i wanna make it work for pollution town

[mokeonn]

I finally got really into City Skylines recently and I have to say, if you get the game you NEED the natural disaster pack. If not for the new gameplay features and the chaos of natural disasters, get it so when you make a city and you know you're not gonna play it again. There's nothing more fun to decide that you're done for the day and then unloading 15 meteors on your city.

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[800-dick-pics]

White wlw you have let me down, and will sadly continue to do so

durring the past few months ive really woken up and seen how much white wlw are quick and ready to throw both cishet and lgbt black and brown women under the bus, so ready to believe that they are not coming from a racist place, so ready to ignore our pleads of help and our demands for better treatment

recently i left my ex girlfriend because i saw/felt that she was not treating me / giving me the same quality of attention as her white partners, and that i wasnt being included in her life like her white partners were. I was being called “wife” but i didnt feel like i was getting the treatment a wife was susposed to get. I felt like a token and a diversity quota for her larger that humanly sustainable polycule.  when i did bring it up to her wrote tons about how i felt and what i was seeing/feeling 

“[...]I feel like the space i take up in your life is smaller than i would like it to be and it hurts

 It hurts when we havent talked in a long while but i still see you interacting with your other partners and/or going on tinder dates, I feel like the level of care attention interaction/ love you give to your other partners or other people who are mainly white is a lot more than i feel than i get from you 

I just want to do more coupley relationship things with u, and i understand like im far away but we still dont discord/rabbit or like talk in general a whole hell of a lot, and it really just makes me feel like “ just some thing to be had and called “wife” bc you dont have a black one yet”

When i see all the other parters who get called wife getting the attention i wish i had from you i just makes the hurt feel even more intense bc i know its not distance bc you date people from all over it just really makes me feel like its my blackness that makes you give me less than what your other partners get 

Even if youre not doing that conciously, i still can see and feel the differnce between the level of care interaction attention and overall energy you give to white partners vs me, this may not be something you can clearly see and feel but i can see a herierchy even if its an unintenttional  subconscious one Reguardless of your intent id really like to be/feel like im more to you/your life[...]” this was only a portion of what i wrote but really conveys the other side of the coin of racism from white wlw, because even after i brought this up to her nothing changed, and then i decided i was going to leave because I realized i dont have to endure racism/racist treatment in a realtionship. and when i did finally have the courage to tell her how i feel again a very important thing i included was 

“My self censorship around white people is very real and i realize that i've been not expressing how i fully feel for fear of making u upset/addressing race and like I felt / feel like a token bc i see all the very visible appreciation you give to white partners,It makes me feel and known im loved and appreciate when its visible, and i see how visible it is/has been for your white partners, tinder dates and tumblr fans.I don't wanna feel hidden from your lifeI've felt very hidden with my white partners just in general, felt very kept away from their families, friends, and other relationships, and seeing that unfold in front of my eyes again is very painful,I feel like an outsider to your “group” (friends/partners). Just like you have to actively go out of your way to unlearn your racism and anti blackness you have to go out of your way to active make sure your black partner is getting attention and is feeling included in your life/community/world and i have not felt as included in these things as i feel like your white partners are.It's heartbreaking when i see the patterns over and over of you treating me differently than your white partners, heartbreaking when i feel ignored and excluded from your life while you are on a tinder date or flirting with ppl on tumblr and i can't get a “hey babe how ru?have you eaten today?” I'm not even getting the bare minimum,I get less, less time, interaction, less you, i feel like get a censored cut off dollar tree version of Franziska” but her response was saddening and just gave me a smack in the heart, i realized that white wlw arent going to unlearn their racism for their partners (friends and fuck buddies) when we address it , that if we (black and brown wlw) advocate for ourselves and treatment we will be ignored it hurt more that she didnt want to accept what she was/is/has been doing is racist, that she didnt want to make her only black partner more included in her life, that she wasnt going to unlearn the racism/race dynamics that made me a “second class” partner than the hurt of actually breaking up with her ive been through this many times before of white women esp white wlw who have excluded me from parts of themselves their lives and community but expect me to be ok isolated while also being an open book

white women have excluded me from friend groups and social circles, have stopped their niceness when i speak up for myself, have given up on working on relationships bc it involves changing their behavior, have denied me medical access when i needed it the most, have bullied me for my body, my blackness and my culture  my bestfriend is white and shes let me down too, just like ive been let down by white past friends and partners, just like im being let down by racist white wlw and lgbt folks

ive learned to accept that white (ppl) women letting me down is something i will face for a life time, that being lesbian bi trans queer doesnt change how whiteness interacts with blackness, that i will always be the bad guy in a white womans story or her fetish or her item to fawn over  ive learned that asking for basic treatment and for white women to unlearn their racism while changing their behavior is too much to ask for  white wlw yall have let me down, and continue to do so

weather is outcasting and overly criticizing black n brown wlw esp if theyre trans, only boosting white wlws donation posts, forgetting you still can hurt us and not realize it, mocking features found on woc esp since yall get real transmisogy/noiristic real quick an just by ignoring the struggles we face because we are people of color and gay!!!!

[this post is not for reblogging, do not ask me personal questions about my past relationships thank you]