#so like.. sure i’d Like a reply; i don’t tend to message people thinking ‘i hope this goes straight into the void’

[fingertipsmp3]

Maybe this is just me but I don’t see the point in apologising for something if you’re just going to do it over and over again. Especially if the person you’re apologising to doesn’t mind. At that point you’re not even apologising as a courtesy, it’s just totally meaningless

[carmenized-onions]

The Other Shoe | Consultation

logline; old wounds tend not to heal, if you don't let them. but, there is hot chocolate, and love. so perhaps that's enough.

[!!!] series history, this is the seventh; First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth

Spotify Playlist, if you like to listen while you read. I listen to it when I write :) Constantly gettin’ added to. Finally got Hozier on here. Don't know how that took me so long.

portion; 3.1k

possible allergies; two absolutely garbage mental states of people who are NOT over Mikey or the way they've been treated. Bunch of self-loathin, the whole lot.

pairing; Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto & Fem Reader (no pronouns!)

Took me a minute, new jobs goin' well though!! This one took a lot of stewing, lmao. Lot of staring and thinking. We'll talk after, but SO many alterations were made lmao.

It has been three weeks since you met Carmen in a freezer.

Six days since you were at his apartment. Ish.

Roughly forty-three weeks since the worst day of your life. Doesn’t feel like it.

In five days, you’ll have the second— Well, maybe third or fourth, worst day of your life.

But today is Monday, and you don’t know what’s coming yet.

It’s just after one in the morning, and you wake up to a phone call. Carmy. Yes, do not disturb was on. Yes, you’d set him on priority access— Which most people would find very cute and intimate, and it is— But he’s not the only one. It’s not a limited feature for people you want to kiss. There’s Syd, Richie, …Mikey…

Cause when is the right time to delete a dead friend’s contact info? It’s not right now. You know it’s not right now. And it probably won’t be tomorrow, either.

Phone call. You’re getting a phone call.

“Carm?”

“…”

You stir a little, bit, when there’s no reply, brain dehazing. “Carmy? Everything okay?”

You hear the beep of the phone call being ended. No way he butt-dialed you, right? You’re awake. You’re so awake. This feels all too familiar, and that's not a good thing. You immediately open your phone to text him, by the time you get to his contact, he’s already texted you. Actively texting you, in a rapid, manic succession.

‘fuck’

‘sorry’

‘you were supposed to be asleep’

Hm.

‘talking to a person hard right now?’

‘yes’

‘you’re so smart.’

‘easier to talk to robot you.’

‘wowwww’

It’s hard to write funny, right now. It’s hard to act like yourself, right now. You’re not sure how you’re doing it.

‘not what I meant’

‘I know. You’re you.’

‘you wanna send a voice message maybe?’

‘it’s fine. I’ll text.’

You give him time, you expect a paragraph since he’s taking so long, but instead you get,

‘can’t.’

‘carmen.’

‘I like you so much.’ Oh be still your stupid heart.

‘feeling is mutual.’

‘I can’t make my problems the only reason I talk to you’

Is that true? Fuck, that's kind of true, isn't it? But there's the puzzles! And there's been phone calls!

‘You talk to me for other reasons’

‘yeah. But it’s mostly problems’

‘with me.’

‘eh. Not really. Walk-in was you, toilet was Mikey, Nat had a baby, I’d consider the oven a shared problem of you and Syd’

‘oven was my fault’

He types for even longer this time. It’s hard not to interrupt him. When you start to type, he sends.

‘can I come over?’

‘I know it’s late’

‘I’ll come pick you up.’

‘no’

‘I’ll walk. I’ll be there in 20.’

‘it’s not a problem to pick you up.’ It's a problem if he doesn't let you pick him up.

‘I know.’

‘promise I just wanna walk. Get air.’

God, why are your fucking hands shaking he just wants to walk. He just wants to walk. Why can’t you bring yourself to believe people when they say that anymore?

Everything’s normal. It’s been a good six days for Carm, you know that it’s been a good six days. Everything's normal. You’ve kept a puzzle streak every morning, you’ve called him some nights, he’s called you some nights. He’s had a good week. He told you so. Everything's normal. You’ve vaguely flirted in that extremely sexual yet completely nonsensical way new situationships do, via text. People don’t do that when they’re on the brink of death, right? Everything's normal. Stop playing with your pendant. Relax. Put a shirt on. Stop being so fucking paranoid. Stop typing—!

‘can you do me a favour’

‘anything’

‘can you turn your location on for me’

‘not to be invasive. You can turn it off when you get here, I—’

Before you can even finish typing your explanation, let alone send it, he sends his location, trackable. He’s already walking.

‘be there in 18.’

You watch, with bated breath, his little contact photo bubble marching across Chicago to you. You make yourself mildly presentable and make hot chocolate on the stove—Gotta use milk, for Carmen— For when he comes to you, out of the cold. Because he’s going to come to you. He’s gonna be here. He’s gonna be here. You know that because you’ve been keeping your phone screen open and only look away to ensure you don’t pour milk on your stovetop and to blink.

He's here in eighteen minutes. You think if you had a stop watch going on, it’d be down to the millisecond. You open the door for him, before he can even knock. You watched his bubble walk up to your door. No point in waiting. You need to see him.

He’s breathing heavy. Held tight in his fist is a bundle of flowers— Importantly, not a bouquet, a bundle of flowers—Like, roots still on a few, visibly yanked out of the ground. Though seemingly from different gardens, since there's quite a variety. He looks at you, then down at the flowers, then back to you.

“I— I stole these.”

“Had a feeling.” You wave your hand for him to come inside, he does. “Are you okay?”

His steps falter, he seems downtrodden. You take the flowers, and then take his hand. He hesitates to speak, but he’s really trying to say fucking something. You squeeze his hand, it seems to help.

“I—” He swallows the spit caught in his throat. “I didn’t know— I— No. No, I did know— I knew the one place I had to come was, here. Had to go somewhere.”

You nod, you look over him. Silently doing a wellness check. You’re panicked. You’re so panicked. But he can’t know that. This is about him. You’re the one that takes care of people. He’s clean. He smells like Old Spice and you. He’s a little cold from the walk, he didn’t wear a jacket, but he’s warming up fast. He looks tired but not exhausted, which, for Carmy, is kind of as good as you’re going to get. He didn’t have the energy for a phone call, but he had the energy to come over and talk to your face; his social battery is wonky, but that’ll fix with time here. Is he hungry? That’s hard to tell on looks alone.

“You wanna talk about it, Bear?”

He nods, head down. Can’t look at you. You gently pull at his hand for him to follow you into the kitchen. “Made hot chocolate. You a marshmallow or whipped cream guy?”

His eyes are glassy, and his mood itself doesn’t change, but he does swiftly lift his head up to look at you with an incredulous, curious half smile. “You don’t do both?”

“I find it gets a lil’ busy. But I like the tiny marshmallows that come with the mix with whipped cream—”

“You gotta do actual cocoa.”

You roll your eyes. “I don’t like my hot chocolate to actually be rich. I want sweet.”

“You’re breaking my heart.”

“Good thing I’m a repairman, then.” You deadpan. He does actually seem to glow a little bit, at that. You repeat, hand full of flowers resting on your hip. “So both?”

“Both.”

He calms you down so easily, even when really, he was the oncoming stress— Or rather, your perceptions. He clears static for you, without effort. You nod, letting go of his hand— Slowly, withdrawing, like a silent promise that you will be back. You grab a paper towel and wrap the flowers in them, setting them down on the counter. You’ll plant them later. Honestly, kind of a better gift for you and your green thumb than a bouquet would be.

You turn to your oven to stir the pot of hot chocolate— Can’t have any fuckin’ clumps for Mr Michelin over here. Speaking of Michelin, he sidles up behind you and puts his head on your shoulder, hands hovering as if he’s going to hug your waist but simply cannot bring himself to.

He mumbles into your shoulder. “I lit my oven on fire.”

Ah. The oven was his fault. That's what he meant. When you pause and try to turn, that’s when he hugs you, holding you in place. “Please don’t look ‘t me.”

You take a deep breath, and continue to stir the pot. “Okay. I’m listening, not looking.”

“I did— I did it in my sleep. Not the first time. I think, I think they’re night terrors? But I don’t, don’t scream or nothin’— I don’t say shit actually. I don’t think.”

God, he’s insecure, even now, about how crazy you’ll think he is. Like telling your therapist everything that’s wrong with you except for the stuff that they might hospitalize you for. God, does he treat you like a fucking therapist? He’s awful. He’s awful for you. He’s awful for anyone. It doesn’t matter that you’re different— The common denominator is him. He’s a fucking piece of shit—

“I wake up screaming sometimes.” You reply, so softly. You feel his short nails dig into your sides just slightly for a second as he remembers where he is. He’s over your shoulder. No one’s over his. “Happens to the worst of us.”

You grab two mugs from the cupboard— Reaching with the arm he’s not leaning on. “Did you put it out or should I be calling my former C-F-D crew?”

“I put it out.” He notes your mugs. They’re mismatching. One is definitely handmade with messy floral patterns, the other a tourist trap Chicago mug.  They’re perfect. “I—I was cooking something, in my sleep— And then— Then the fire starts.”

You ladle the hot chocolate into the mugs— Usually you’d just pour it straight but you don’t want Carmen to watch you inevitably spill half of it on your counters. You nod, “Do you dream that you’re cooking?”

“K-Kinda? I’m not cooking, I’m the Head, the expediter— And, and my Exec is over my fucking shoulder and he’s— Just in my head.” He swallows, thinking of how to explain without explaining. “And then I wake up, and there’s a fire, and I watch it grow, and I think about what it would mean if I just let it, and how I’d want it to.”

“And then you put it out?”

“And then I put it out.”

“Do you wish you didn’t?”

“I don’t know. And it’s fucking with me. ‘Cause— ‘Cause things are really good right now.” You tense under him, and he knows it’s because you don’t believe him. “They are, they really really are. Sug bein’ away is… not easy, but, it’s, it’s okay—”

“Carm.” Your tone is so accusatory.

“It’s the same nightmare it used to be.” He doesn’t hesitate to correct as soon as you question it. He cannot lie to you. For one, you see right through him. For two, it’s you. You’d rather know he’s insane. For some reason. “It’s been hard. I— I know fuck all, about business, and, and we can’t afford to hire a fuckin’ replacement right now because we owe so much fucking money or the whole thing caves— But it’s— It’s been good.”

You grab a handful of mini marshmallows, splitting them between the two mugs. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He nods into your shoulder. “Everyone is… happy, right now. It’s not always fuckin’ breezy but— Everyone’s, everyone’s okay. And I have somethin’ I can actually be proud of, right now. And I have— I — You’re around. N’ that, that has been good. For everyone.”

You hum. Heart full, at that. You awkwardly shift to your fridge, waddling like a penguin instead of turning, as not to disturb Carmen, he chuckles against your shoulder. “You can tell me to fuck off, y’know.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to.” You hug his arm to you. This makes him squeeze just a little tighter. You pull out a half-empty can of Reddi-Wip, shaking it violently, as instructed. “Say when.”

You hover the can over the tourist mug, he shakes his head. “Other one.”

He wants the handmade one. Your fingerprints are grooved into the handle. You ignore how insane this makes you feel, and spray whipped cream into the handmade mug. You’re waiting for him to say when.

It’s getting to a concerningly tall pile, at this point. You feel him swallow. He finally says the quiet thought out loud.

“I think I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even in my sleep, I know it’s coming.”

You nod, you stop spraying. You think on it for a beat. You opt to be honest. “I am, too.” You nod. “I am, too.”

“What’d’you think it’s gonna be?”

You feel your neck flare red and hot, guilty. Horrifically guilty. Lifesaver. You spray whipped cream into your own mug. You don’t really want both whipped cream and marshmallows, but it’s a good way to disguise how shaky your hands are. You take a deep breath.

“Think you’re gonna realize I’m not as good as you think I am.”

He kind of, tugs at you, pulling you closer to him, as if to rebuke thee. “You’re very good, Tony.”

You just hum in reply, once again, the pile of whip cream grows— It sputters, and basically nothing is coming out, but you can’t bring yourself to move, so it continues to struggle. He lets you do this, for a moment, before softly, questioningly speaking your name.

You just hum, again. Everything’s fine. Everything’s normal. This isn’t even about you, this is about him. “I’m good.”

“You are.” He declares, like it’s law. He grabs the empty can from you hand and puts it on the counter, then turns you around to face him. You keep your head down, there’s every chance you throw up and die if you— “Look at me.”

“I know—” He does not give you the chance to excuse yourself, he grabs your chin, softly, but still, forces you to look at him.

“You’re very good.” Too much eye contact. Too close. Too sincere. Too much— “Too good, too good for anyone.”

Too good for him. You, of course, don’t think that. But that’s exactly why you’re too good. “I’m not gonna change my mind ‘bout that.”

“…Hope so.”

Carmen can see it, now. The way your jaw clenches, how you’re looking past him, not at him. The way you mirror how he imagines he looked in the walk-in, to you. He decides to take a page out of your book, and hugs you close. “Know so.”

Your chin hooks over his shoulder. You stare down the hall of your apartment, brain somewhere else. He stares over your shoulder at the hot chocolates, whipped cream slowly melting and overflowing onto the counters.

“You wanna talk about it?” He asks, and you can’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of it.

“I—It’s not—This about you, not me—”

“It’s both. It can be both.” The shared burden.

You sigh, putting your arms around his shoulders. “…I’ll talk about it eventually, I promise. Just not… Ready—Right now.” You’re not ready to risk him no longer liking you. You need a little more time to be selfishly avoidant. “Eventually, though.”

He nods. He gets it. He does it.

“How do you think the other shoe’s gonna drop? If it does?”

This was the exact question he didn’t want, but you answered it, kind of, and that means he has to answer it, kind of. He relaxes his hold on you. “Think you’re gonna see me when I’m— When I’m not me— When I’m— I’m like, like my fuckin’ family.”

When he’s angry. When he yells. When he’s mean. When his crises don’t take the form of hibernation. When he’s frightening.

“Think once you realize, you’ll leave, and it’ll all leave with you.”

When he said that everyone’s happy at The Bear, he knows it’s because you’re back in the atmosphere. You bring a lightness that he never could, that he always envied in his brother. He honestly needs to break something at The Bear to get you to come in soon, because it’s been two weeks since you made everyone coffee, and your presence is only finally starting to wain in power. He really needs to start paying himself so you can get on bar.

“I don’t love being yelled at, certainly.”

You know what acting like his family means. Mikey used to do it. When things got bad. And while you got better and better at being understanding, still never managed to keep yourself from tearing up. “But it’s nothing that would make me leave. Nothing that’s not worth it.”

Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. His bad side, his anger, his violence, his teeth, the parts of his functionality that he hates, you consider worth dealing with, for the sake of the rest of him.

It reminds him, of a question that’s been on his mind for a while now. His chin digs into your shoulder, a little bit. He swallows.

“Do you really not think taking care of people is a lot of work?”

You frown, thinking about it. It is a lot of work. It’s exhausting work, rotten work, to take care of people.

“It is a lot of work.” You tilt your head, kiss his clothed shoulder. “But it’s just pure instinct, to do. “I care therefore I care, or somethin’.”

“What a poet.”

“Fuck off.”

You both laugh; then comfortable silence. He’s the first to break it. “You’re good.”

“We’re both good.” You pull back to look at him. Nothing has truly been resolved, and yet he looks more at peace. Thank, God. You’re doing a good job. You’re not failing again. “You wanna go drink these barely warm hot chocolates in my bed and pass out?”

“Please.”

Carmen never turns off his location, and he never will. He doesn't ask why you want it. He takes advantage of the whipped cream on your nose and the severe lack of napkins in your bedroom when he can. He replaces the Cubs jersey wearing bear in your arms, that night. He hopes he will forever, he's pretty sure he won't.

In five days, this Friday will be the worst Friday of your lives.

But neither of you know that yet. The painting is still not finished, he hasn’t yelled at anyone around you yet, Carmen still doesn’t know about the necklace you’ve tucked under your shirt every day for the past year.

The other shoe still hangs in the air; but not in your bed.

You pray it’s fall will not wake the bear.

FUCK bro.

It was tough writing in a way that was coherently incoherent. Like, neither of these two want to talk about their problems, so they are vague, but I know what the fuck is going on-- And hopefully you kindddaaa get what's going on?? There's still a little mystery I'm holding on for myself, hehehe. I'm very curious if anyone has theories by now tbh. What's this hidden part of Tony's life!!! They're usually so open!!! So what's this shit!!!

I cut out like a WHOLE 300 words of them doin' a smooch because it just made no fuckin' sense. They're both in emotional hell, couldn't force it, even if I wanted it. But there was the cuddlin' and nose kissin' in bed. So I think that's a good caveat.

But the most insane part of this chapter for me, and you'll see later, THIS chapter and the next,,,,, 3 chapters? Were all gonna be ONE. I know. Nuts. I was essentially gonna format it like all snippets of this one week, because as we know, Fridays gonna be the worst friday! But I realized like a quarter way through writing this one, that it simply couldn't just be a snippet. It needed to breath as it's own full thing. As did the next 3 chaps. I think they'll be a lot more digestable this way and also it won't force me to hole away for a fuckin month writing it without giving you a single morsel of content.

Anyways, tell me what the fuck you THOUGHT!! I'm excited to hear thoughts, hopefully all good ones~~~

Next Part

[tealin]

McMurdo Internet

Internet service is supplied to Antarctica via a geostationary satellite. This far south, the satellite is only a few degrees above the horizon, and unfortunately for McMurdo, it's behind Mt Erebus. So the signal is beamed to a receiver on Black Island, about 20 miles away to the southwest, and bounced over to the sheltered alcove at the end of the Hut Point Peninsula where McMurdo sits.

The Chalet, administrative hub, with Black Island in the distance

The Black Island telecommunications infrastructure was installed in the 1980s, long before the internet we know and love today. It was upgraded in 2010 to allow more data transfer, mainly realtime weather data to feed into global forecast models. For this reason, it's probably the only place I've ever been where upload speed is remarkably faster than download speed – 60Mbps for outbound traffic, but only 20Mbps for inbound. Most regular internet use is receiving, not sending, so that's an entire base running on a connection that's only marginally faster than the average American smartphone. As you can imagine, this is somewhat limiting.

The limits to one's internet access actually begin before one even reaches the Ice. At the orientation in Christchurch, one is directed to a URL from which one must download and install a security programme from the U.S. government. It may feel like a hippie commune full of nerds, but McMurdo is an installation of the American state, and as such its computer network is a target of whatever disgruntled conspiracy theorist decides to hack The Man on any given day. Computers that are allowed onto this network (such as the one on which I am typing right now) have to have an approved firewall and antivirus service installed, then this extra programme on top of them. I am not sure what it does. For all I know the CIA is spying on me even now. (Hi, guys!) But you need to install it to get on the McMurdo Internet, such as it is, so I did.

To be honest, I was rather looking forward to a month cut off entirely from the hyperconnected world, so I was a tiny bit disappointed that quite a lot of day-to-day communication is done by email, and I would need to be on my computer a fair bit to get it. Had I known just how important email would be, I'd have installed an email client that actually downloads one's messages instead of just fetching them; as it was, the cycle of loading an email and sending the reply, even in Gmail's "HTML for slow connections" mode, took about five minutes, not counting the time it took to write. Tending one's email was a serious time commitment; sometimes I felt like I was spending more time on the computer in Antarctica than I did at home.

Crary scientists waiting, and waiting, and waiting

In a way, though, I was lucky, because I was technically a scientist and therefore had access to the one building on base with WiFi, the Crary Lab. And don't think you can just waltz into Crary with your laptop and poach the WiFi – in order to access it at all, you have to get set up by Crary IT with your own personal WiFi login. If you do not have Crary access, your portal to the Internet is one of a handful of ethernet cables in each of the dorm common rooms, or some public terminals in the main building. You can hop on, download your emails, maybe check the news or Google something you needed to look up, and then leave it for someone else. When most online time sinks are either blocked or too heavy to load, it’s amazing how little internet time you actually turn out to need.

Things that we have come to take for granted in The World are not a part of McMurdo life. Social media is pretty much out – the main platforms are bandwidth hogs even before you try to load a video or an animated GIF. There is no sharing of YouTube links, and no Netflix and chill. Someone was once sent home mid-season for trying to download a movie. Video calls with family and friends? Forget it. People do occasionally do video calls from Antarctica, often to media outlets or schools, but these have to be booked in advance so as to have the requisite bandwidth reserved. Jumping on FaceTime does not happen – not least because handheld devices have to be in airplane mode at all times for security reasons. Your phone might be secure enough for your internet banking, but not for US government internet!

It is, unavoidably, still a digital environment, it just gets by largely without internet access. Nearly everyone has an external hard drive, mostly for media that they've brought down to fill their off hours. If you want to share files you just swap hard drives, or hand over a memory stick. When the Antarctic Heritage Trust wanted some book material from me, I dropped it onto an SD card and ran it over to Scott Base on foot – a droll juxtaposition of high- and low-tech, not to mention a good excuse for a hike over The Gap on a beautiful day. It took half an hour, but was still faster than emailing it.

There is also a McMurdo Intranet, which includes a server for file sharing. Emailing someone your photos will take ages, but popping them into a folder on the I: drive and sending them a note to say you've done so (or, better yet, phoning them, or poking your head into their office) is much more efficient. To conserve space, this informal server partition is wiped every week, so you have to be quick about it, but it's an effective workaround, and also a good way to get relatively heavy resources to a large number of people in one go.

The telecommunications centre on Black Island is mostly automated, but like anything – perhaps more than some things, given the conditions – it needs to be maintained. There is a small hut out there for an equally small team of electricians and IT engineers; Black Island duty attracts the sort of person who might have been a lighthouse keeper back in the day.

Towards the end of my time on the Ice there was a spell where they needed to shut off the connection overnight, to do some necessary work. Given that most people's workdays extended at least to the shutoff time at 5:30 p.m., this meant essentially no internet for a large portion of the population, and some amusing flyers were posted up to notify everyone of the impending hardship.

Someday, faster, more accessible internet will come to Antarctica.  It's more or less unavoidable, as communications technology improves, and everyone's work – especially the scientists' – depends more and more on having a broadband connection at all times.  It will make a lot of things more convenient, and will make the long separation from friends and family much easier.  But I'm pretty sure that many more people will mourn the upgrade than celebrate it.  One can, theoretically, curtail one's internet use whenever one likes, but even before the pandemic it was almost impossible to live this way with the demands of modern life: I know from personal experience that opting out of Facebook alone can have a real detrimental effect on relationships, even with people one sees in the flesh fairly regularly, simply because everyone assumes that is how everyone else communicates.  Being in a community where no one has access to assumed channels, and is more or less cut off from the rest of the world in a pocket universe of its own, levels the playing field and brings a certain unity.  The planned (and, unarguably, necessary) updating of the physical infrastructure of McMurdo will wipe out a lot of the improvised, make-do-and-mend character of the place; how much would free and easy access to the online world change it in a less tangible way?

I'm sure the genuine Antarctic old-timers would shake their heads at the phone and email connections we have now, and say that no, this has already ruined Antarctica.  It's not Antarctica unless your only link to the outside world is a dodgy radio.  It's not Antarctica unless you only get mail once a year when the relief ship arrives.  Doubtless the shiny new McMurdo will be seen as 'the good old days' by someone, someday, too.  Change may happen slower there than elsewhere, but just like the rust on the tins at Cape Evans, it comes eventually, regardless. 

For my own part, I'm glad I got to see 'old' McMurdo, such as it was, all plywood and cheap '90s prefab.  The update will be much more efficient, and tidy, but yet another generation removed from the raw experience of the old explorers.  My generation is probably the last to remember clearly what life was like before ubiquitous broadband; to some extent, Antarctica is a sort of time capsule of that world, just as the huts are a time capsule of Edwardian frontier life.  I hope they'll find a way to hang on to the positive aspects of that. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to waste an hour mindlessly refreshing Twitter ...

If you'd like to learn more about the Black Island facility, there's a lot of good information (and some photos!) here: https://www.southpolestation.com/trivia/90s/blackisland.html

And this Antarctic Sunarticle goes into greater depth on the 2010 upgrade: https://antarcticsun.usap.gov/features/2114/

[messrsrobyn]

Ok nobody I’ve asked seems to give me a direct answer so I figured I’d just voice all my concerns with you? You don’t have to answer everything 😭😭

When it comes to fandom friends how do you move from just being moots to being friend friends? I saw a video you made about it when somebody had asked you a similar question but I’m really struggling with getting them to feel like friends and not just random accounts in my phone.

I’ve seen videos people have made and you guys are sharing jokes in the comments. I saw video of 3 girls that said “Us when anyone hates on mesrsrobyn” and you said like “Fan behaviour” which obviously shows that you’re actually their friend and you’re just teasing them.

Also how do you find people who are ok with you not responding all the time (😭😭😭) I’m just genuinely not active very much on any forms of social media. I was in a marauders gc and I was really happy thinking I was gonna make fandom friends but because I wasn’t active all the time they had a bunch of inside jokes I didn’t get and I kinda felt like an outsider.

Most of the people I see you interacting with online seem really cool and fun, so I’m just wondering where to find people like that. Just genuinely from posting?

I’m sure I’ve worded all this so strangely but honestly I’m sad because I’ve been in this fandom for 3 years in November and I have made no real lasting friendships. I feel like you yapping so much LOL

IK THE VIDEO 😭 my besties yup !!

this is long so i'm putting the lil dashy line thingy

i have v limited advice actually bc i don't think i've initiated many of my friendships in fandom?? despite how little i stfu, i'm a shyyy person. i get scared to text first.

my BIGGEST bit of advice is take. it. off. the. app.

i try to get discords mainly (bc i use it most) but once you take it off of tiktok or wherever you met it feels so much less like mutuals. like yes, we met in fandom but now we are discussing our plans for the day and getting to know each other as Robyn not Messrsrobyn.

i made most of my friends from posting !! i made my account as a whole to meet people and (ive been flagging a bit recently actually but) i always try to reply to EVERYONEEE. so most of my friends were just people that commented that i replied to, their name kept popping up in my notifs? boom. friends. one of them said they loved crimson rivers so next time i found an edit i sent it to them.

ALSO !! i'm so bad at replying.

servers im more active in i think, but just... dms? not very good at all. anyone that doesn't respect that or gets mad? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ i dont want them as a friend.

like it's frustrating i know! i hate the amount of lil red bubbles i have on every single app but it doesn't mean i value my friends any less and they all know that <3 we don't always have the time or capacity to reply and that's okie.

i tend to get it out the way immediately and test the waters. just a lil "btw i'm really sorry for my reply times! i'm not the best at it but feel free to double text me as much as you want" and always make sure that i follow up on everything that's been said whilst i wasn't replying.

im rambling a bit i fear but the right friends won't get mad at it, or make you feel less important bc of it. it might just take some time to find them but You Will.

i feel like i havent actually given much advice?? i'm genuinely so so so lucky to have found the friends that i have but i did nothing. i think i said in a few of my tiktoks rightttt at the beginning that my dms were open for friends and then i think? hope? that i've kept that energy going of like someone that anyone can message and i'll get back to them (at some point 😭 my tiktok dms are a mess but thats an issue for future robyn) so i've been able to just sit back and naturally find them.

i live by the motto of "the worst they can do is not reply" every time i send a comment or dm to a new person

we're all just losers reading fanfiction !! we all want lil friends to talk to about it so interaction and reaching out gives us that BUT it's the taking it off of the app that takes it from mutuals to friends imo.

this is UNNECESSARILY LONG omg. i never know how to answer these ones but i hope it helps a lil? <3 social interaction is NOT my finest point. potentially my worst i fear.

[devoted-domme]

How did you know your into being dominant ? Anything particular you like in a sub ?

So, this became a bit longer than I had anticipated, so my reply to both questions will be under a cut!

For your first question: Honestly, I think I have known from a very young age, even before puberty. 

I’ve always felt drawn to stories about deep, meaningful relationships based on some sort of power imbalance and extreme devotion, like servants and knights who would do anything for their master or king. Basically, any character who was naturally submissive towards an authority figure and who was deeply devoted to them.

Scenes in which someone knelt in front of their master were my favourites and I’d re-read them over and over again. It wasn’t sexually motivated since I was too young for that, and yet something about these types of scenes always made my heart race. 

Then during puberty, I discovered that I was attracted to both men and women but I don’t enjoy being penetrated and never liked the expectations that society held for women in straight relationships. I never wanted to be the object of someone’s desires, I wanted to be the active party who has agency and be the person who leads and initiates. I never liked the thought of me lying there and having someone else shower me with affection, I wanted to be the person in control and do these things to someone else and make sure they feel good. 

Because of this, I thought I was fully lesbian for a long time, even though I do find men attractive. But I never thought it would be possible to be a man without all of the associated gender roles and the way straight sex was framed in general was such a turn-off, with the language people use and all the gendered expectations. 

I only ever dated women because it was easier to escape those expectations and easier to explain what being a stone top means. I never believed men would be interested in getting penetrated and being submissive so I stuck to female partners who enjoyed it.

And of course, I’m not saying you can’t be dominant and enjoy being penetrated, it’s just something that I personally don’t want and it’s really hard to escape that expectation if you try dating in straight circles. 

Seeking out online spaces for femdom (and in particular, Tumblr as it tends to be less focused on straight relationships and rigid gender roles, in general) really helped me strengthen my own understanding of my sexuality. 

Now, onto your second question: 

Truthfully, I am very picky when it comes to choosing a sub since I’m not really interested in just casual play so my sub would also be my romantic partner (I’m not talking about answering a spicy ask/message here and there, I’m very open to that, just anything beyond that is purely reserved for my romantic partner). 

Generally, I would be looking for a “naturally submissive” sub, not just someone who is into it as a kink. That doesn’t mean I’m looking for a 24/7 type of deal at all, I just mean that I want a sub who is just that – submissive. They want me to actually be in charge in the bedroom and are happy to do what I want to do instead of only wanting a “kink dispenser” who caters to their every wish. 

It’s a bit ironic, considering that my preferred domming style is very focused on the sub and their pleasure but at the same time I don’t want to be told what to do. It’s fine to give suggestions, they should absolutely have kinks they love and firm limits they don’t want to cross but it gets annoying when I feel like they want to “direct” the scene.

It’s also very important to me that my sub sees me as an actual real-life human being who is flawed, just like everyone else. I’m not some mysterious goddess who is always “on” and in domme mode 24/7. I’m often quite dorky and awkward and they need to be able to understand that and understand that real life isn’t fantasy and people don’t behave like they do in whatever pornography they have seen or erotica they have read. 

I need to get the impression that I actually matter to them as a person, beyond the utility I can offer to them (and of course, I will do them the same courtesy!). 

Needless to say, the same things apply here as in any other relationship: good communication, the willingness to listen and speak up if there are problems, mutual respect (especially with regards to boundaries) and trust, willingness to compromise, a strong sense of self and independence, loyalty, empathy, dependability, an overall emotional connection and so on. 

(And of course, what I have listed here are things that I would also strive to give back in return in a relationship!)

Naturally, we should also have compatible kinks and a similar idea of what our D/s dynamic should look like and my sub should have a strong idea of their limits (saying they have “no limits” is a red flag, for sure!). I need to be able to trust them to actually use their safeword if they need to (just as they need to trust me to also then stop the scene if they do and not be mad at them for using their safeword). 

Having standards is also a green flag – if I get the impression that they are actually picky about who gets to dom(me) them it already helps to make me feel more at ease and like I’m actually being treated like a person instead of just their kink wish fulfillment. 

Of course, like anyone else, physical attraction plays a strong role in who I want to date/take as a sub, but I am attracted to a lot of different "types" and I do think how someone carries themselves and their general mannerisms and personality play a huge role in my attraction to them as well.

Also, I think as someone whose love language is Acts of Service and who enjoys taking care of my partners, it’s easy to attract subs who genuinely believe I can/will “fix” them when the truth is: no one can fix you but yourself. Of course, it is always easier to improve yourself when you have the support of someone else but the drive to change needs to come from within. 

So, I need my sub to be an actual adult, capable of living their day-to-day life. That doesn’t mean they’re not allowed to struggle with things (I do as well), just that they need to be overall mature and independent. 

Now, I do think it's fun to give subs incentives to improve their lives, to give them little tasks and rewards and I think it can be a good way to help them keep good habits, but this only really works to a small extent and they still need to be motivated to change by themselves. 

Additionally, a potential sub would need to not be into any kinks that are misogynistic, homophobic or racist like s/issies and c/uckolding (it shouldn't be degrading to be penetrated or to wear feminine clothing or to have sex with black men, unless you actually believe being a woman or being black or gay is inherently more degrading than being a white straight man). 

For male subs, they need to be feminist allies and be actively working on undoing toxic masculinity and be respectful to women in general, not just the ones they’re attracted to and not just for however long they need to get into a woman’s pants. I think a lot of male subs think just because they’re “submissive” they’re somehow above misogyny when truthfully, I have experienced more sexism from male subs than I have from any of the regular blokes in my life. 

In terms of overall personality, I’m hugely attracted to people who are just genuinely good people – kind and helpful. I adore gentle people and even those who are a bit shy. I don’t need someone to be the smartest person or the most confident or the funniest, just try to be the kindest version of yourself you can be. 

I think that’s all! Sorry for the long rambling response but I really enjoyed getting all my thoughts out. I hope some of this is still useful to you (or anyone else who happens to be reading this!). 

[evieismol]

Big Bend Chapter Nineteen - Thoughts

Word count: 1437

Cw: cursing, brief mentions of being anxious over giant character hurting smaller characters (nothing comes of it)

“Is Dan around?”

I looked up to see a skinny, overly tan woman glaring at me. She looked vaguely familiar - I was fairly certain I’d seen her around before. That made sense, if she was asking for the park supervisor by name.

“He’s out to lunch right now,” I replied. “Is there something Annie or I could help you with? Or you could leave a message for him?”

The woman gave me a look that almost made me take a step back - a sneer of pure disdain. She eyed my name tag.

“Dave, huh? I take it you’re new. When I want to talk to Dan, I talk to Dan.”

“Right. Well, he’s at lunch, so…” I said. She huffed.

“Fine. I’ll wait.” The woman took a seat on the bench near the door of the visitor center. I shot a quick glance over to Annie, who just shrugged. I looked back to the woman. She was scrolling through her phone, her back now turned to us.

Not my circus, not my monkeys, I decided after a moment, returning my attention to the countertop I’d been organizing. Hardly the most important job, but it was a slow afternoon. As most afternoons when Easton wasn’t working tended to be. The giant certainly drew the crowd management was hoping for, I’d give him that much. I placed the last highlighter in the cup they sat in, then shook my head. They’d look better organized by color, I decided.

“Any idea when Dan will be back?” The woman by the door asked, still sounding annoyed. I sighed internally. I’d really dared to hope that the end to my interaction with her had already happened. Annie answered before I could.

“Probably within the hour. I think you just missed him.”

“Fantastic,” she said sarcastically. “I have things to do, you know.”

Maybe don’t stop by unannounced, then, I thought. I forced a smile.

“We could take a message for him-“

“My father’s cattle are missing.” She said, cutting me off. I fought to keep the confusion off my face. She continued. “Three of them.”

“And you think they wandered over here?” Annie asked. I didn’t know much about cattle ranching, but I couldn’t help but think this was a weird amount of effort to put into finding three cows.

Don’t ranchers have, like, thousands of cows or something?

“No,” the woman replied. She rolled her eyes. “I think they were taken.”

“Okay, so…what does that have to do with us?” The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. She gave me a look that suggested I’d just said something hopelessly stupid.

“My cattle are missing. You lot employ that freaky giant alien predator. Do the math,” she said.

“You think Easton took your cows?” I said, finally catching up.

“Beauty and brains,” she responded sarcastically. I mulled over her accusation in my head. It didn’t seem especially likely, at first thought, given that Easton had said he was a vegetarian and didn’t seem to so much as blink without asking John.

He could have lied about that, my brain whispered conspiratorially.

“I assure you, I’m sure Ranger Parks isn’t responsible for any missing cattle,” Annie said. “There’s a number of predators in the area, from mountain lions to-

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s what they told you to say,” the woman replied. She looked over at me.

“Are you also going to give me some canned PR response?”

“Coyotes are a major source of cattle loss, I’ve heard,” I added half heartedly, still considering what she’d purported. I recalled the nightmare I had about Easton. The one where he’d killed people, and been planning on killing me, without a single care. I also remembered the way he’d been looking up at the stars that seem night, his pale green eyes filled with wonder. The way he’d been so careful in picking us up. How warm and soft his hand had felt to stand on.

God, why can I never have a single straightforward thought about him? I thought in frustration.

“Yeah, so are fucking giants.” The woman’s tone was laced with sarcasm and contempt. “Whatever. You know what, just let Dan know I stopped by.”

“Will do,” Annie replied. The woman shot another sneer in our direction, and then stormed off out the door.

“She’s always fun,” Annie said, as soon as the woman was gone.

“So I was right thinking she looked familar,” I mused. Annie nodded.

“Yep. Her name’s Joy. Kind of ironic. Her dad owns a ranch nearby, and she apparently never grew out of her highschool mean girl era. She stops by semi regularly with some half assed complaint for Dan. Personally, I think she has a little crush on him and is just looking for a reason to stop by. Like, no one can really be that dramatic over “kayakers ruining in the view” or whatever else she drags in here,” Annie said.

“So, you don’t think Easton took the cattle?” I asked, half jokingly.

Of course Easton didn’t. Wouldn’t. He’s way too nice, anyways.

“I don’t think she’d notice if 300 of her dad’s cattle went missing,” Annie replied with a snort. “Unless it got in the way of her next tanning appointment, anyways. I’ll mention it to Dan, I guess.”

By the time I got off work that evening, the incident had all but faded from my mind. It was brought back to the forefront as I saw Easton sitting outside the employee housing building. He was talking to Angie, who was sitting in the frame of her window. I probably shouldn’t have still felt surprised when he turned to glance over at me as I walked up. Aphirial super hearing and all of that. It was maybe more nervousness than surprise, I realized a moment later. I wasn’t exactly sure why.

Probably because he’s like, 200 fucking feet tall, I thought. Or because he’s like, 200 fucking feet tall and actually looks happy to see me, which feels almost…flattering? I’m smaller than one of his fingers and like, that insignificant and he still looks happy to see me. I pushed that thought from my mind. It was just that he was a giant - a fucking aphirial, for crying out loud. That was enough to make most people nervous, no weird confusing thoughts of how he was such a stupidly nice person and flattery or whatever needed. That was all.

“Hi Dave!” Angie called from the window. “How was work?”

I walked over to them, noting that I didn’t feel nearly as uncomfortable standing next to Easton’s leg as I might have a few months prior.

“It was work,” I replied with a shrug. “What’re you guys talking about?”

“This girl who showed up last night,” Angie said. “Apparently she made quite the impression on Easton.”

I wasn’t entirely sure why I felt my stomach turn slightly at that last sentence, and I didn’t particularly want to dwell on it.

“Oh?” I asked.

“Yeah. I guess she ran into him outside his place and like, didn’t even know he was working here? And then was just like, ‘oh, you’re an aphirial, that’s nice. Know any good camping spots?’ Which is not the usual reaction.” She looked over at Easton. “No offense.” He shook his head slightly.

“No, you’re right. It caught me off guard,” he said with a slight laugh. “There’s just usually more…questions.”

Or running and screaming, I added silently. I could only imagine the reaction I’d have had if I randomly ran into Easton in the middle of the night, especially not knowing he worked here. It probably wouldn’t have included asking for camping recommendations.

“Oh, also, he does have snapchat,” Angie said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” It took me a moment to remember I’d been wondering about that the other night.

God, why did I say that outloud?

“Because of my other friends from Earth. And my sister had some sort of program designed for the software interfaces because of the whole Earth-Aphiria liasion thing she’s a part of, which I don’t really understand techwise and I’m rambling now, so…uh, long story short, yeah, I have snapchat.”

At least Easton seemed to interpret my embarrassment over having asked Angie as confusion about how that was possible, I thought flatly.

“Oh. That’s cool. Yeah, I was just wondering how that would work,” I said.

I didn’t add that I wasn’t really sure if that was true. Or that I wasn’t even sure what the alternative option was for why I’d asked Angie in the first place.

[s3thwrit3sstuff]

Hi Seth!! I finally found the time to write a proper message…

First off, all your recent works have been so good! Your art too, it’s all so well done. It’s been so long since I’ve seen anything sally face and it made me go watch some old playthroughs… brought me back to my childhood.

(Also, not sure how I never noticed your creepypasta work? Reignited a few of my childhood crushes.)

I don’t know why but I always get so giddy when I see song lyrics from the songs I recommended being used, I’m so glad you like them as much as I do.

I’m sorry anons are being rude in your messages, I fear they need to relearn the virtue of patience and that you don’t owe them work. I personally am willing to wait however long you need for one of your works (even if it isn’t in a fandom I’m from) because I know your works are always absolutely amazing and nothing short of a masterpiece. <3

Have you listened to Ariana’s new album and Hozier’s new EP? I loved ‘We can’t be friends’, ‘don’t wanna break up again’, ‘boy is mine’, and ‘I wish I hated you’ from Ari’s album specifically, although every song in that album was so good. ‘Too Sweet’ and ‘Fare Well’ were my favorite from Hozier’s album, the guitar in both is just so good.

My recommendation for this time (if you haven’t heard it already) is Luna Day’s ‘Obsessed’ and ‘Say it Back’. Unrequited love songs will always have a special place in my heart.

I hope you’ve been well! I missed being able to send messages but school has been kicking my ass… Rereading your works has reinspired me to finally go work on my wips tho lmao

Lots of love,

-Music anon! 🎶🎶🎶

Music nonnie! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I’m so sorry it's taken me a while to respond, I always worry a bit about not replying with the same energy sometimes because every time you send an ask it makes me so excited 🥹 I just wanna sit down and give proper responses!

Hehehe, I’m happy to hear the fics have made you stroll down memory lane~! I scoured around online for Sal Fisher X Male!Reader works for so long, that I decided to just make my own at that point. Truly, a queer icon Sa is 😤 I’ve only ever watched Jacksepticeyes playthrough, although! I am peeking at the dubbed playthrough that I saw floating around 👀 Thank you so much for supporting my writings and my art 🥹

(Whenever I streamed myself playing Sally Face on Discord with my IRL friends, we always made silly voices so hearing real VAs do it instead sounds both fun and humbling, lmaooo)

Also! Yes! I’m a huge Creepypasta fan 😫 I may need to touch up on their new “fan-official” lore now but TBH, I tend to just make up my own little stories for them in my head. 💀Very happy to hear that you’ve returned to the trenches that is the creepypasta fandom ☝️😋

About the anons,,,yeah :/// Unfortunately, some people think just because writers are writing fanfiction, we’re not entitled to some respect and patience. I am so thankful for your kindness and understanding, Music nonnie 🥹 You have no idea how comforting your words are to me 🤍

I only listened to “We Can’t Be Friends” but I hopped on to listen to her entire album and my heart hurt 😭 The upbeat songs were so funky though! But “I Wish I Hated You,” made me wanna sob (instantly added to the Gojo YN playlist ☝️).

Hozier always slaps with his siren songs. Seducing me with his voice and lyricism and ARCK! “Too Sweet,” makes me wanna gnaw off my own arm because of how good it is, god...

I’ve listened to the two songs and you never miss 😭 The lyrics, the instrumentals, the vocals...They both sound so full of yearning but so different! Like, they both love someone but they way its expressed makes them angsty itch in my brain go stupid and crazy 😫 You always give me such a big boost in writing with your songs recommendations, ong.

I hope you’ve been doing well, too! School sucks but I know you’ll get through it, I believe in you! >:3 I’d love to read some of your works once they’re published! We can be mooties! 🥺

All my love to you, Music Nonnie! I’m terribly sorry that I suck at replies but I adore your messages and your music so much 🥹

[ciaossu-imagines]

So I’m finally responding since you said not to send anything while you were finishing off your old requests and then I forgot so now finally I’ll send in a response to your admin chatter. Here I honestly have no idea what to say about the series apart from the fact that I’m glad I found it. It’s so fun and interesting and I’m looking forward to seeing what more the author has planned. And so true to what you’re saying about the manga and I really love it for that and wished that all anime also paced things like that. So yeah, same.  

Cool. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts when the time comes. And sure thing. Thank you. And I see. If I remember correctly, my friend also mentioned the Undertaker but I can’t remember anymore what exactly she said. Thank you so much. That’s really sweet of you to say. It did take me some time to remember the names and sometimes I still have to look up where I know them from so there’s that as well. Or I’ll do what you do and look up the character, then the voice actor’s page and then see whether I’ve heard them somewhere else.

Honestly same. Like I used to send so many messages to my friend because I’d want to share any kind of exciting news or fun pictures with her but she told me it was quite overwhelming so I always wait until she’s responded and then I’ll add the new stuff on. Though sometimes there are images that I feel like I need to send and then I do, hoping she doesn’t mind. I’ll use a recent example. To celebrate the Haikyuu!! movie release, the author of the manga released a special chapter and I got to see some of my favourite boys grown up and it was so nice and beautiful that I just had to send it to her. A part of the scene also kind of had to do with something we were talking about before so there’s that as well. And now it lives rent free in my mind so yay to that 😅 Though literally I am happy about it. I can’t say much more since I don’t want to give anything away but just know I’ve been blessed. Though I’ll also say beautiful smile, beautiful man. And it’s concerning the character I recently info dumped to you about. And I feel the same way about long replies so truly is a win-win here. You didn’t disappoint and I don’t think you ever could. And I’m looking forward to reading your Ever Young story and anything you post on AO3.

I hope you got your radio silence and that things are going well.

Yeah, this bitch caught up in pretty much a week 😅 And thank you so much for saying all that 😭

Yeah, really. And that information should be, especially since it’s info about the patient themselves. Oh gods. That’s so much. I see. I’m also kinda jealous of people who don’t have to wear glasses since I’ll be in my house and someone will tell me to look at something on the TV and I’ll have to go really close to it or will have to tell the other person to wait while I grab my glasses from my room. Even though, yeah, I got my glasses a few years later than you.

Oh that sounds so cool. And thank you. Though it’s more like that since I always finish my stories in Word before I post them, all I have to do afterwards is copy and paste the chapters afterwards one by one so it’s nice to listen to music while doing that routine thing. And I’m actually one of those people who can’t listen to music while writing since I want to be able to fully concentrate on my ideas and what I’m writing. Sine I do tend to let the music take up most of my brainspace while listening to it. And that’s nice 😃 It’s really cool that you have specific playlists like that. For me it’s just a whole bunch of songs that I like all together. Though I don’t add all songs that I like anymore since my mind is used to those songs and I like it that way.

C

Hey there! It’s nice to see you back in the inbox and thank you so, so much for waiting for me to finish off everything and open the box up again. I love seeing the response and getting to talk to you, especially since like I mentioned, I’m still waiting to finish catching up  on Servamp to finish up my dm replies to you – got sidetracked with a lot of things, haha. I love the fact that you’re enjoying the series so much! It really is an absolutely amazing story, the characters are engaging and fun, and I’ve always said that Servamp is almost criminally underrated. I’m going to be happy if I can introduce even one more person to the series, honestly!

I look forward to sharing my thoughts and then talking all kinds of things out with you when I get the opportunity! I’m busy at the moment building a solid queue here on the blog (after the event, I had 150 actual requests and, like I said I would, I used all the unrequested prompts for all my fandoms, so I have a little over 500 posts to write and queue…should have plenty to keep the blog going for the next three or four months, even if I bump the queue up past 1 a day and I’ll have a shit ton more time for chatting and writing passion projects that way, though that means you guys see unrequested headcanons and fics quite often sorry) but I’m so looking forward to taking the time to not only write, but read and watch things again! I have decided to go manga for Black Butler, just because I can breeze through a couple hundred chapters in two days so it’s quicker for me to get caught up. I’m hoping it’ll live up to how good everyone keeps telling me it’s gotten! Aww, that’s awesome! And I have to do the look up to see where I know them from not just with voices I recognize but actors and actresses all the time too because I’m terrible at names! I think it’s so cool that you put the time and effort into remembering voice actors like that because yeah, they definitely deserve fans and all the respect!

I’m horrible for not sending messages until I know I have everything I want to say out so I can sometimes hoard messages for a good couple days or a week so my replies can get overboard! And I’m sure your friend has so much fun, getting the add on messages and pictures because I know when you do that in our messages, I always love it! That’s so exciting about Haikyuu! movie release getting that special chapter! Was it an interesting and good chapter? Did the boys you saw grown up look like you figured they would as adults? Were their lives what you thought they would be? I’m curious as to your reaction to it all! I’m glad to hear I don’t disappoint and thank you so much for saying that 😊 I look forward to sharing but the delinquent! Shouhei story will definitely be coming out first. The Ever Young is so dear to my heart that I want it perfect and several chapters to be finished before I post them.

As far as radio silence, it did get better. I got one ask after that outside of the box being open, but it calmed down a lot, both for dm’s and for the ask box. I really appreciate everyone giving me that time and space and being so patient and supportive of me while I work on things both on and off the blog. I really do consider myself super lucky to have such amazing readers! And you did get caught up really quickly! I have thirty more chapters to read before I’m completely caught up on Servamp, and my manga app updated Nanbaka to chapter 355 so I think that will be the next one I work on getting caught up on after Servamp!

And yes! A lot of people don’t know this but at least here in Canada, a patient can legally request a copy of their medical file and history from any of their doctors at any point and the doctor has to comply. It’s just a little known thing and most of the time, patients aren’t really kept up to date on their information, which bothers me greatly. And I am so jealous of people who don’t have to wear glasses. Not only can they easily see, but it’s annoying to have your glasses fog up when you wear a mask, something I’ve had to do at work since I came down with a bad cold. Mask and medical grade non-latex gloves for 7-8 hours a day…not fun, but at least it keeps people safe and healthy.

And that is cool to learn! I’ve been wondering, since I haven’t messed around with it yet, how the formatting of stories goes on AO3, so it’s good to know I won’t have to mess around with a lot of formatting or html codes to post stories on there, if you can use copy and paste! I completely get that – everyone’s different and I know some people simply cannot concentrate on their writing if there’s music or a lot of noise around. I need the background noise because all the little sounds bother me in complete silence and throw me off – dripping taps, the click of the baseboard, the hum of the refrigerator, the sounds of the neighbours and things like that. I love the way you worded that by the way, that your mind is used to those songs because I know the exact feeling you mean and it’s a pleasant-unpleasant feeling all at once haha.

[atlatsofstories]

get to know the author!

name : Splitz, Anna, AK, Splootz

pronouns :  she/her

preference of communication : IM works just fine with me, though disco also works for me with people I am comfortable chatting with (most people). Sometimes I am lazy with messages, sometimes I jump on things quick.

most active muse :  Miss Karen Page, my favourite muse. I also write some of my OCs more frequently than the other.

experience / how many years :  Let me math this, I think I started rping maybe 17 years ago? I hadn’t really written anything in English before that, some fanfiction-ish stories in my native language. I’ve done several canon and OC muses independently, groups, on different platforms (mainly twitter and tumblr).

best experience : It’s the people who make the experience amazing, making close and good friends, some of them I am still in contact with from early years.

rp pet peeves : all sorts of policing and canceling culture. sure, we need to be aware about certain problematic aspects, but we don’t need to police everything.

fluff, angst, or smut : Angst. Angst, angst, angst, and sprinkles of smut. You can add a dash of fluff, but that’s not keeping anything going for me, so I am not a big fluff writer.

plots or memes : Generally I am very plot oriented, at least I like having some sense of where it’s going. But I also support using memes, sometimes that can inspire with how to approach the chemistry between characters and where to take it.

long or short replies : I tend to write *ramble* a lot sometimes, but I can work with both. Plus , sometimes shorters are all you got energy/time for. SO LET’S DO BOTH.

time to write : Usually it’s a few hours on the evenings, due to working a day job and trying to maintain some everyday routines for sanity and health reasons.

are you like your muses : Yes and no. Some muses and I have more in common with than the other. I like to find something relatable with my characters, though sometimes it’d be, for example, a trait that I’d like to embrace more in myself etc. Pls donut ask me why most of my muses got daddy issues.

tagged by: @prettytm

tagging: @decadentias @sugcrkisses @samhlaiocht @muutos @wardogsong @wintcrstcrfall @wintxrx @hclysins @missmvrder @fxcdboys and who everelse feels like dewing it!

[blackberrysummerblog]

15 Questions

Thanks so much for the tags, @thewholelemon and @alleycat0306! And I’m sorry it took me an age to get around to replying, I’ve been meaning to I swear!

1. Are you named after anyone? I’m named after the title character in a historical romance novel, of all things 😜 I got chicken pox when I was 13 or so and my mom finally let me read it; the character has a very eventful life without ever getting the one thing she really wants, so…thanks Mom lol

2. When was the last time you cried? Ugh, I cry all the time. Happy, sad, angry…it all gets me going. The last time was probably a day ago after an extremely dumb argument with my husband and it was over 3 minutes later

3. Do you have kids? Two almost-adults! Yikes

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I don’t think so? I tend to be pretty earnest I guess. I don’t dislike it, though

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? I spent way too much time thinking about this, mainly because I’m going to *first* notice whatever stands out. If you have spaghetti sauce all over the front of your shirt I’m going to notice that before nice hair or eyes, right? I think beyond that, physically, I’d take note of a contagious smile, and on a personality level I’d notice if someone were particularly sunshiney or grumpy. I have a weird and desperate love for both, in real life as well as fiction

6. What’s your eye color? Gray, though the kind that often gets called blue. It’s not a very exciting color

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings every time. I can appreciate an open or tragic ending for its realism and/or artistic message, but it’s kind of the same as seeing a deeply ugly or tragic piece of visual art that you can appreciate the skill, vision, and message of in a museum, but do you want it on the wall of your home to look at all the time?…I mean, some people definitely would, but it’s not me. I like an ending that makes me feel happy or at least hopeful (I’m capable of and have written endings that aren’t, but these days I’m not very likely to, at least in fanfic). As for scary movies, I like the idea of them but seldom get on with them. I don’t like gore full stop, and while I do enjoy tension and jump scares, it can get overwhelming. I’m very much the person who will sit there burying their face and/or literally jumping in the air when I’m startled

8. Any special talents? I like to think I’m a decent writer, and I used to be a pretty good artist, but I’ve let it go a long time and these days when I sketch something I’m kind of appalled at how the skill atrophied. I’m sure it would improve again if I worked on it—I’m good at really visualizing something in my mind, which I think is the most important thing about being able to create any kind of art. On a more quotidian note, I’m really good at research and I’m a fairly good cook. I love love love to eat, so that helps motivate me in the kitchen lol

9. Where were you born? Arkansas

10. What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, walking, cooking, looking at art, trying new food. Classic introvert

11. Do you have any pets? Five dogs and two cats, it’s a proper zoo up in here

12. What sports do you play/did you used to play? *tries not to laugh*

13. How tall are you? Just barely over 5 feet

14. Favorite subject at school? I started listing my faves and it turns out it was pretty much everything but math, which I feel like I’m bad at but my test scores always indicated I was slightly above the average, so I suppose I must be ok at it. I like learning and enjoyed most of my liberal arts and science courses, but I’m going to narrow it down and say literature

15. Dream job? Writer! (I would very much not be good at this because left to my own devices I procrastinate like hell) I’ve had a lot of jobs over the years that I found interesting though, and I like doing work that I find meaningful. My current job lets me feel like I’m doing good in my community and the world, and most of the time it’s an extremely full work day, which is honestly better than having too much time on my hands.

Gah, I’ve really not been on tumblr much in the past week or so, so probably every single person I’ll tag has already done this. Please don’t think too badly of me (and if you haven’t done it and don’t have the energy, no big deal. Take care of yourselves!) @papierhakuphoto @shutup-andletme_go @captain-arealias @onepintobean @j-nipper-95 @rwithoutaspoon @martsonmars @cutestkilla @maedhrosrussandol

[ofgravitation-moved]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. REPOST.

name. dandi! 

pronouns. she/her!

preference  of  communication.  i meannnn. discord & ims are best! i prefer to keep my discord for people i am super comfy with! so closer mutuals, but the more we talk and interact i am always open to sharing it!

name  of  muse. TOO MANY. but this is an ochako uraraka blog that’s disguised as a multi cause i suck. :3c

rp  experience  /  how  long. i’m 30.. lmao!! i started rping in the roleplay boards on NEOPETS, okay? i don’t even know what year that was!! EIGHTH/NINTH GRADE DANDI???  soooo like-- fuck. i graduated high school in 2010 so like 2007/2008 ish? sure, let’s go with that. i’ve been around the block. rped both on tumblr and off. & i have a bachelors in english literature aka a fancy $40K paper that says i can write. 

best  experience. oh shiiit. i mean.. there really have been a lot over the years! i have friends i’ve met irl from rp when they came to the east coast! i’ve been in fandoms where it was just such a sweet and family vibe until some sort of choas always ensued, but the happy times in the inuyasha rpc or rwby & fairy tail rpcs here was fun. honestly?? now? i feel like there at times will always be some kinda drama on the dash, tbh. but the friends i’ve made / have now at this point in my life? i am just having a great time! :)

rp  pet  peeves  /  dealbreakers. i mean drama, negativity, sure. but-- constant pestering is kinda big for me. i work on an average of about 46 hours a week. and my job can be stressful. i am SLOW with messages on discord and responses/asks/replies. so, constant asking for threads / asks does get under my skin because then rp feels like it’s part of my job & it’s not. this is a way for me to de-stress & relax, so please don’t be that guy :tm: i’ll get to it when i can. i think another that also tends to bother me is i’ve told you once, i shouldn’t have to say it again. & that’s irl too. like if you know the answer, why ask again? idk-- and i digress. jsadhfb;l

fluff,  angst,  or  smut. fluff & angst more than the nasty. & obviously the nasty is with of age muses only, but that just needs a whole level of comfort from me that i will not have with each mun when we just start writing. i mean that goes for all shippy things and such, like the chemistry has to be there for me. but, i’d need to be comfortable with the mun too. & the nasty is like super rare so i don’t even know why i’ve typed all this on it, oops.

plots  or  memes. honestly, i like both!! sometimes with multiple muses (which i have, have you seen my gdoc?! who am i-- ajskdnbf) it’s just easier to plot! because then i have something to look forwards to with a lot of different characters, plus it gives me more ideas when doing starters / asks. but winging it? hey, sometimes that’s the best way!

long  or  short  replies.  sdflgjksfd;gl/ if you cannot tell by the size of this freaking thing, idk what to tell you. my replies can get lengthy! esp. if i am super into the thread / character interactions, etc! i mean i do try and post shorter things, but more often than not they tend to be on the longer side. my characters are all over thinkers, sorry lmao. but i always say to my partners not to feel obligated to match if it does get long!

best  time  to  write. god... whenever i have the free time? a lot of times i write asks on mobile at work and then answer them in the ask, but i’ll always mobile tag it and usually only do that with asks i think won’t be turned into threads! other times it’s usually after work or on a weekend if i have some free time there. 

are  you  like  your  muse. i think we put a little of ourselves into each muse we write, i know i do, for sure. but the muses that are probably most similar to me would beee: lucy heartfilia & ochako uraraka. :3

tagged by. @knightinsourarmor - thanks reina!!! <3

tagging. anyone who hasn’t done this yet & wants too! tw: long post

[firespirited]

So having identified that I need to change a bunch of habits, here’s what I’ve done. personal accountability check in yay.

Exercise: no abdominal work just dorsal stretches, added a steep-ish small hill to my walk instead of two walks to work my hips more. Made peace with the grumpy man on the hill who hates dogs by telling him he’s totally right, it is disgusting (he is fr totally in his right to be upset, people are terrible at cleaning up after their dogs and several just roam free) and showing him that I don’t just pick up my dog’s but other people’s dog turds.

Will test 1 leg at a time abdominal work early May and if the pain causes the whole back seizing, we move it to June, etc...

Ergonomic computer use: I got out of the habit of typing due to a need for speed, especially in french with all the accents on the top and side and I’d like to stop pecking at the keyboard until it becomes the default. Can’t hide the keys as i peck from memory. just gotta keep catching myself and switching back into f j position.

Treats: new dolls that need TLC are out of the question and I’ve done a decent job at saying No to cool dolls that would “just need...” but that’s not enough. I’ve saved my ebay and aliexpress bookmarks to separate google notes and archived them and removed most from my browser. Same with amazon warehouse and leboncoin. There are a couple of Monster High I’d like to find and de-glue (& possibly de-stain this summer) but only if they appear at reasonable prices. I’m going to switch focus to making sure everyone is dressed and nicely displayed.

This does leave a void where the dopamine of new arrivals and projects was and that’s something to further ponder. Having things to look forward to is good for my mental health. The surprise element and “oh remember that doll” element of ebay thrifting was good too. Can’t be craft materials, I have what I need in makeup, don’t wear jewellery as I tend to swell and de-swell during the day and get irritated around the neck. sugar is not an option. local supermarket is very limited with new tastes to try. I’ll figure something out - It’ll probably be in the middle of the night after a day of brainstorming and being stumped!

Projects: I’ve decided to part with 4 more: Myscene Westley Tshirt, Barbie fashionistas greek, Barbie Grace fashionistas, Barbie Mbili blue brocade fashionistas

Getting stuff out of the house has proven more difficult, very low traffic on ebay france so it’ll probably be heads only, tracked bubble envelopes worldwide via instagram then ebay dot com when I can get that organized.

Part of that is reluctance (and reluctance to deal with the nail-biting drama of postage) but I’ve been really quite wiped by pain and the extra exertion.

Entertainment: dolltube didn’t yield much so far, I like retrospectives but that doesn’t happen often. I need to venture more into the doll crafting that’s entertaining vs crafting that makes me sad I can’t do it if that makes sense? Think Bobby Finger’s incredible diorama story videos. Also looking into documentaries that aren’t downers like How Things Are Made and upcycling stuff.

Find EU rerooters: not done but I have closed my commissions page and wiped all the numbers.

Make friends: well I got myself in some drama but I am trying to resist the strong urges to go hermit-mode, still deleting posts before I press send but eventually we’ll get there. Trying to connect with more french doll collectors. Shoot I have two messages to french ladies about rerooting I need to reply to and chickened out.

Sort damaged or too baggy clothes: still too soon. I managed 1 pair of super pilled and worn trousers. I think i’ll have perspective on the jumpers as soon as it’s hot and they don’t look so cosy with memories of being soft and warm.

[churchofthegreytrousers]

Yea so I’m the person who wrote about Max and Tony which has caused some backlash on your asks so I wanted to say I’m sorry for that. Some people seem to think I’m saying that Tony hates Max but that’s not the case at all they are just not as close as they used to be due to some personality clashes. I think for us ballum fans it can be hard to accept that the boys are not as close in reality as they once were or that we hoped they were. Max has been good to the fans by helping them enjoy ballum with the way he promoted them and he does care about Tony. But I wanted to stand up for Tony too as I saw some asks saying that he is wrong for creating some distance which wasn’t fair and I think even Max would agree. I have no reason not to trust my source. They are a link to one of the actors in the Panesar family who has just recently left. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble but they’ve left the show now. This person wasn’t as close to Max and Jamie off screen and got on better with Tony so maybe they do have some bias. There was no beef though. There is a beef between Balvinder and another cast member but I don’t want to go down that road as the sukeve fans have been known to start shit with ballum fans and it’s not worth it. No my source is not Kellie the jay freak as she’s not a trustworthy source and has been banned from group chats due to all the shit she always causes. Max did apparently have some tension with James Farrar and another person I won’t mention as it will only cause trouble but I think Max was on okay terms with Shona before he left but I don’t know if he saw her on his last week. Max is still in touch with a few people from ee privately who support him which is good to hear and Tony does want the best for him but they might need a bit of space for now and even if they argue there’s no hate, that’s not what I was saying. Hopefully they all go see Max at his play. Anyway I’m sorry for bringing X drama to your asks but there was a lot of questions about what was going on with max and Tony so I came to say what I’d heard.

Firstly, let me say I really appreciate the apology, though I'm sure you didn't intend for it to blow up like this. I hope anyway. I'm once again taking this all in good faith.

Secondly, I understand the desire to want to spread the news and open discussion. However, I do think we're all still very sensitive about the whole situation. Max's exits came as a shock to everyone and I don't think any of us are over it. Max tends to get a lot of hate and I think a lot of fan have had to turn into a protection squad for him, more so than Tony who as one anon said, tends to be seen as everyone's golden boy. So I think your post hit a lot of raw nerves.

And finally, while I'm sure you trust your source, you can't expect other to believe an anon. And again, considering the hate Max gets on the regular, I think that's understandably. And if there is someone out there spreading misinformation, people are even more on guard. As I said in one of the replies, I will not call you a liar or a shit-stirer because I don't have proof you are one. That said, I'm not going to comment on what you've said (that's what got me in trouble in the first place) I am simply going to post your message and let everyone else make their own judgement.

Thank you for coming back to clarify things and I hope we can all move forward. It is pride month so let's all try to remember what brought us together in the first place.

HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE🌈

[unreleasedwrites]

𖤐 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐬 𖤐

✃ 𝐴𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑝𝑎𝑔𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑒𝑥𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛𝑓𝑜

⌗ 𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍 ⌗ 𝗐𝖾𝗅𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗋𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗂𝗇𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 !̆̈

⚠��︎ 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐌𝐞

I really don’t write much at all. As seen with my posting habits, I’ll suddenly post 1-2 new works then I’ll disappear for a few months and upload again, and the cycle repeats— Which is why I am so sorry if your request or even questions takes various weeks or months to be done / answered.

It’s due to the fact that I am a student, so I tend to be very busy with my studies.

I do see everything that makes its way into my inbox, it’s just that I have so many drafts due to various ongoing ideas and requests. With that being said, I’m so sorry if you see that I uploaded a new post while the request / question you sent in is still in my drafts / inbox.

It was most likely because what I posted was in my drafts first so it already had progress.

I don’t proofread the entirety of my finished works so along the lines, there may be grammatical / spelling errors that I overlooked, so I apologize in advance.

You can ask for pt.2’s or more of some of my fics if you’d like!!

sorry for the formalities of tone and text

theres probably spoilers in my account so beware

I will no longer be updating this, nor will i keep it as my pinned post but I linked it to my new, shorter version of this post just in case!! ( - 07/05/24 )

✔︎ 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 🍉

Whether you credit me or not, please don’t copy or try to claim any of my works, with or without permission.

I appreciate all the feedback under my works. I'm sorry if I don't reply to them, but I do see them and I am so happy to see that there are people who actually seem to like my writing. I really appreciate all of you, thank you so much!! ❤︎︎

And please do read the cw (content warnings) before you proceed and feel free to comment / send a message in my inbox if you think that there is a particular warning that needs to be placed in a certain post of mine !! I will happily put it and I do apologize for not placing it in the first place.

❣︎ 𝐆𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐑𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

❥ I only write for lookism characters

I don’t write for any of the girls, except maybe Mary Kim?

Other than that, I write for almost any character. No matter the generation, occupation or situation.

My fav characters are the Baek brothers, Yoojin & Yooseong, Gun & Goo, Seongji & Jaegyon, Jihan, James, Jiho, & Gitae.

❥ I only write the reader as female

I write the reader as a female because I am one, so it’s much easier for me to write and visualize.

But feel free to just alter the pronouns used (she/her) and the descriptions of the reader in your head.

❥ I write fluff, smut, and suggestive fics / drabbles

Check out my ⌗masterlist for the different series’ and types of fics that I write. I can write angst but its bad 😭

➪ Please also be very specific with your request, as there are many possible scenarios and I’d like to be sure of what you are expecting.

➪ Please also have some consideration with the fact that I am a stressed student so I am very busy and can’t just be writing 24/7.

✰ 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐈𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

I do apologize for not replying to comments.. I’m very shy and I wish I could like comments instead to acknowledge and show my gratitude without having to embarrass myself with messed up words… But I will try to start replying now but I can’t guarantee that i’m not gonna sound awkward 💔💔

I would also like to say that the age of the character in a fic you’re reading would depend on what yours is!! So let’s say you’re 22, then you could consider that character as 22 as well. But if you don’t care about that, then I would like to justify that all of the characters I write for are aged up to atleast 18 (that is if there isn’t any nsfw / smut)

Now that I’ve started writing smut / nsfw, I would like to justify (because I wasn’t able to put this in the actual posts 😓) that all of the characters featured in those posts, including the reader is aged up to atleast 21 and are fully consenting to whatever is happening in the given scenario of my posts.

If there are hints or actual parts that include anything such as implied drugging, kidnapping, or whatever was in the content warnings of my gitae fics, then i would just like to say that I DO NOT condone any of that in real life and i would like to remind that everything I write is COMPLETELY FICTIONAL and for entertainment or enjoyment purposes of those that wish to proceed with reading my works.

I would also like to apologize in advance if I say something that may come off as offensive, I do not mean anything by it and I simply didn’t know so I am very sorry and I will try to do better

This entire “more important information” was pretty rushed.. Very sorry if it’s unclear or it sounds a bit informal 😓

If you do not like one or any of my works, then simply block me or just ignore my whole page. AND i ask that you please do not report me!!

— 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 💝

[vgckwb]

P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 189: Taste of Freedom

After school the next day, Ren got a message on her phone.

Haru: Pardon me, but do you think you can meet me on the roof?

Haru: I have some gardening club business to take care of, but I need to talk to someone about something.

Ren: Sure.

Ren: I’ll be up in a second.

Haru: Thank you!

Ren put her phone away.

She started making her way to the roof. Once up there, she found Haru tending to the vegetable garden. “Hey,” she said.

Haru turned around. She giggled. “Glad you could make it.” She turned back to the garden.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Ren asked.

Haru frowned. “I’m feeling a little…listless.”

“How so?” Ren asked.

Haru hesitated. “Well…remember back in my father’s palace when we fought Hiroki?” Ren nodded. “Remember when we started hearing those voices, and we found out that Hiroki went to ask my father for my hand in marriage?”

“Yeah,” Ren answered.

“Well…” Haru said. “Up until that point, I didn’t notice anything. But thinking back on it now, I think Hiroki might have a crush on me.”

Ren nodded some more. “Hm.”

“And, well, I just don’t know what to do,” Haru finished.

“Well, the first question is do you like him like that as well?" Ren posed.

“That’s the thing,” Haru said “I don’t know."

“Oh!” Ren said.

“You see, for a while now, I’ve barely had a choice,” Haru said. “I didn’t choose what I’d wear to certain events. I didn’t choose where I’d go on certain days. I didn’t even get to choose who my husband would be.” Ren was aware of these things, but hearing them said aloud was still discomforting. “But now, I have the option to choose things. And I want to figure out what I’d choose and when.”

“That doesn’t seem unreasonable,” Ren said.

“I know,” Haru said. “But I think Hiroki wanted to tell me how he felt yesterday,” Haru said.

“Oh my. How’d that go?” Ren wondered.

“Well…I kind of put it off for a while,” Haru said. “But I basically told him I wasn’t ready.”

“Did he understand?” Ren said. Haru nodded. “Well that’s good.”

Haru nodded. “I don’t think he’d be the type to force things,” Haru said. “But I was still so nervous.”

“I guess that’s understandable,” Ren replied.

“But it’s not just that,” Haru said. “There are people at Okumura Foods who want me to relinquish control of things.”

“That…sounds serious,” Ren said.

Haru nodded. “Indeed. They say I’m not ready, but I want to help turn things around. In particular, one of the chairmen, Takakura, seems particularly insistent that he should be helping me.”

“Huh,” Ren said. “How well do you know him?”

“Well, I know him to the extent that I know a lot of people at the company,” Haru said. “But there’s always been a distance; what with me being the CEO’s daughter, and the company being what it was.”

“Hmmm.”

“Aside from that though,” Haru said. “There’s a lot of distrust for Takaura among some of the staff. They tell me that he was always hoping for my father to get his just desserts, and that they’ve overheard him saying we didn’t go far enough.”

“Yikes,” Ren said.

“But I don’t know if that’s true,” Haru said. “From what I know, Takaura always seemed like an even-keeled man. It’s still hard though. Should I trust Takakura? Or should I trust the others?”

“Well, what do you want to do?” Ren asked.

Haru thought about it. “Well…I’m not sure yet. I want Okumura Foods to turn around after all of this, but how is another question entirely.”

“Well, I mean, that’s something, right?” Ren said. “You want more time to think.”

Haru was surprised. “I guess that’s true,” she said. “I’m just not used to having that time. I guess I still don’t. I have roughly five months left of high school, so figuring out what to do by then will be something of a miracle.”

“True, but you don’t need to come up with an answer tomorrow,” Ren said. “So that’s a silver lining.”

“That’s true too,” Haru said. “I guess I’ll give it some thought and come back to you if I need anything.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ren said.

Empress-Haru Okumura: Rank 2

“So, do you want to help me with some of these?” Haru asked.

“Sure,” Ren said. “Just tell me what I need to do.” Haru instructed Ren, and together, they finished tending the garden on the roof.

Later in the evening, Ren got another message.

Ohya: Yo! Come on over!

Ohya: It’s been a bit, and I’ve got some good news!

Ren: Alright. I’ll meet you there.

Ren: Just give me a bit.

Ohya: Don’t keep me waiting for too long.

Ren put her phone away, and headed over to Shinjuku.

Once she entered Crossroads, Ohya cheered “Hey! You made it!”

Ren smiled. She took her seat. “You sure seem to be in a good mood.”

“Well, she’s been handed everything she’s wanted on a silver platter,” Lala explained.

Ohya nodded. “My boss had a change of heart. He’s letting me investigate Kayo. Furthermore, he’s standing up to the board more and defending me until I get some answers. Talk about a 180!”

“That sounds wonderful,” Ren said.

“It really is,” Ohya said. “The reason I didn’t call you sooner was that I was doing a little digging to see if I can find anything now that I no longer had anything weighing me down.”

“Well, what’d you find?” Ren asked.

“I believe that I know where Kayo is currently,” Ohya answered. “I’m preparing to make a visit.”

“Oh my!” Ren said. “I hope it goes well.”

“I hope so too,” Ohya said. “But after all this time, I can’t help but worry.”

“How come?” Ren wondered.

“Well…” Ohya said. “I’m afraid of what happened. They branded her as a murderer, but they’re keeping her hidden. I don’t know if the Kayo I’m meeting will be the Kayo I once knew.”

Ren grew serious. “Well, you know I’ll always be there for you.”

“Right…” Ohya said. “Listen, I know you’ve been a big help, but I don't want you putting your neck out there for me.” Ren seemed confused. “I mean, you’ve given me a lot of information, but from here on, things might get scary.”

Ren paused for a moment. “I know the feeling,” she told her. “But I don’t want to just sit idly by if I can do something.”

“I agree,” Lala said. “I mean, she’s been giving you information. It’s not like she’s staring down the barrel of a gun to get it.”

“Mmm,” Ohya groaned. “Alright, fine. But if the going gets tough, I need you to back down. I don’t want you to become my second Kayo.”

“But what about you?” Ren asked. “I mean, I don’t want you to be my Kayo either.”

“She has a point,” Lala said.

“Well, I have Lala here,” Ohya assured her.

“And I have you and Lala,” Ren countered. “And a lot of other people. If things get too tough, I’ll go to you or them.”

“Hm,” Ohya smirked. “You know, that’s what I like about ya, kid! You have a lot of sense.” Ren giggled. “Order whatever you want. My treat.”

Ren nodded. “I’ll take a soda for now,” Ren said.

“Coming right up!” Lala replied.

“Hm,” Ohya chuckled. ‘Thanks for coming out tonight.”

“No problem,” Ren said. “Hope things go alright with Kayo.” “I hope so too,” Ren said. “But even if they don’t, just knowing is better than not. Besides, like you said, I have you, and I have Lala. So I know things aren’t so bad.” Ren got her drink. Ohya lifted hers. “Cheers?”

Ren lifted her glass. “Cheers.”

Devil-Ichiko Ohya: Rank 8

They drank their drinks. “By the way,” Ohya said, “It’d be easier if I had some Phantom Thief information to put out while I’m investigating.”

“Of course,” Ren said. “What do you want to know? I’ll try my best to fill you in.” They discussed things until Ren had to go home for the night.

Meanwhile, at the Niijima residence, Sae walked in. “I’m home!”

“Oh!” Makoto said. “Um, how was your day?”

“Pretty good, all things considered,” Sae said. “I feel like I’m on the cusp of something big. I’ll have those Phantom Thieves in my grasp soon enough! And then things will only get better from there.”

“I see…” Makoto said.

“Aside from that though,” Sae said, “I have another case coming up in court. There’s still some prep work that needs to be done, but it’s a slam dunk.”

“Of course,” Makoto said. “Did you eat yet?”

“Not yet,” Sae said.

“Oh,” Makoto said. It’s just, you’ve been eating with Riko a lot, so…”

“Right…” Sae said. “Well she is nice. I think you’d like her.”

“From what you’ve told me, I’d think I’d like her too.” Makoto replied. “So, should I get dinner ready?”

“You haven’t eaten either?” Sae wondered. Makoto shook her head. “Well…let’s just order in tonight. I’m in a good mood.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Makoto said. They placed their order.

“Alright, it should be here soon,” Sae said. She smiled. “You know, I know I’m not home every night, but I am going to miss this once you get into college. Even when you’re not living here, I wouldn’t mind doing stuff like this every once in a while.”

Makoto smiled. “Me too.” She paused for a moment. “Um, to change the subject a bit, you remember my friend Eiko, right?”

Sae was confused. “What about her?”

“Wll…” Makoto said, “she’s not exactly a fan of her home life. So I was thinking of inviting her to come live with us. It won’t be for too long. She’s also graduating this spring. But…”

“Hmmm,” Sae pondered. “Alright.”

“Huh?” Makoto said.

“I think it’s wonderful,” Sae said. “Like I mentioned, I’m not always here, so having someone here with you would be nice. You two get along nicely as well. Plus, I think you two could look for housing together once you graduate. Besides, it sounds like she needs it.”

“Yeah…” Makoto said.

“Although I will say I’m still in control here,” Sae said. “I don’t want any wild parties or anything like that.”

“Gotcha,” Makoto said.

“And no offense to Eiko, but she seems a little boy crazy,” Sae said. “I don’t want you bringing any strange boys home.”

“I…don’t think you’ll need to worry about that,” Makoto replied.

“You can never be too careful,” Sae said.

“Right,” Makoto agreed.

Sae smirked. “Thank you for coming to me first,” she said. “I know you have good intentions, but I don’t like it when people go behind my back.”

“Right…” Makoto said, pondering her involvement in The Phantom Thieves and their latest mission. Still, she knew she had to do it.

There was a knock at the door. “Our food’s here!” Sae said. She went to pick it up, and the two sisters ate together.

[theirealnvisibleblogger]

Again, no replies.

Hey secret tumblr; long time no talk.

Let’s come clean about a few things before I get to this:

1. I lost 50 pounds. I’m really proud of myself, but I still have a long way to go (about 100 more).

2. I had a crush on a guy. It was the first one since high school and I had it bad. He has absolutely no feelings for me, which is for the best. Throughout the year, he got really angry at me and seemed uncomfortable around me. I know it’s my fault and it got to a point with him yelling at me over getting him chocolate because he was having a bad day. That was so so stupid of me. Never doing that again. I’m over it, but it has forced me to realize “shit, I might be pan,” so there’s that.

3. No one replies to my texts anymore or they take a really long time to reply. Or in a group chat, no one acknowledges what I say. When I feel like I’m hassling or annoying someone, I give that person space. I know back when I was a kid, I’d have moments where I was too much. So, I’ve learned to show people myself and my interest in bite sizes. I’ve been trying to make myself more quiet, including lowering the volume of my laugh (unsuccessfully). And I notice people are getting annoyed with the bite-sizes, I retreat. Call it a defense mechanism.  No one can get annoyed with me if I say nothing and I’m not there. or I can at least pretend that’s true.

4. I’m done dating. Every time I think about dating, I only think about the worst parts of every relationship I’ve ever had, and it makes dating unappealing. I can do things by myself that others can do for me. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die alone. Every once in a while, it kind of sucks to think about, but I’ve mostly made my peace with it.  people who, like what’s inside tend to not like with outside, and the people who like what’s outside, usually are repulsed by what’s inside.  I can’t imagine anyone wants to date someone who likes stuffed animals at my age anyway.

5. Everyone forgot my birthday this year. I left work crying. My work friend was a real jerk that day and everyone else really tried to make it up to me once they realized what happened. It was bittersweet, but still sweet none the less. Sometimes I forget my coworkers are just that: coworkers, not friends.

So the story is I have a chat going with three of my coworkers. We all play Wordle every day and post our stats. I wanted to twist things up and tell them about this new place i discovered that I figured at least two of them would like. No one replied, except to post their Wordle stats. God I’m so so stupid. Why do I even bother? No one wants to talk to me. My friends don’t even reply to my text messages anymore, so why would I think my coworkers would? I have to keep things professional with them from now on.

God, I’m so stupid and wish I wasn’t so annoying.