#so much contact on the track
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The long distance racing events stress me out so much bc they bunch up so closely to each other at such high speeds so the chances of tripping or crashing increases and while it makes for great watching it’s always heartbreaking when it takes out people close to the finish line or who never recover and it’s like how can you control for accidents anyway I’m not talking about racing anymore 😭
#olympics#running#so much contact on the track#watching the men’s heats and that first one for the 5k 😭#or the women’s road racing and the crash that thinned the field during the city circuit 💀
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who else haunted by an apology you never got the chance to make???? 🤪🤪🤪
#this isn't too serious this is about my college roommate#i was awful and i think about it all the time and wish i could send her a pizza and say any resentment is justified i'm so sorry#but i don't keep track of people. i don't know her last name i don't know how to contact her or if she'd even want that#i just think about it constantly for some fucking reason#if you're out there....man i'm sorry i didn't try harder to be friends i was 19 and at my absolute worst#I'm sorry about the illegal rat cage i never cleaned#literally i wish i could pay you reparations you wouldn't have to say a word to me just receive 'you didn't deserve that' + 50 usd#i think part of why this particular memory is so persistent- and has been for years like it constantly comes up when i'm tired-#is because the stakes are relatively low#like i was just a shit. i was just annoying and unkind. and then we both moved on and i'm better now and i assume she's ok.#the scope of it is just small enough.... like a burr. in my brain.#I'm hoping if i throw this into the ether i won't think about it as much lol#m2a
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...
#so my mom's wake thing was today and that was a lot. not in an emotional sense but in a im standing here talking for 3hrs#to ppl i dont kno or barely kno. ya kno? but it was good bc so many ppl showed up to talk abt her#so many people. my mom made a huge impact on the school system. so many ppl relied on her. she encouraged at least 2 ppl to get their#master. for one person to specilize in helping the dyslexic after her experience advocating for 3 dyslexic daughters. she wrote and was#awarded a 10000 dollar grant for special needs and intervention curriculum. which will affect so many lives.#everyone loved her. she's gonna get a track meet named after her and a scholarship created in her honor.#she was an amazing person and she affected a lot of lives and im glad she was my mom. and she raised at least one jem in my littlest#sister who is so sweet and is a great teacher. god but there was some weird stuff too. were pretty sure her old boss was in love with her.#and there were some weird comments abt her being a strong woman or this woman doing so much and its like hm y do i detect a note of sexism#y not say she was an amazing person? y the surprise? weird comments about how pretty i looked. which yes i looked great lol. my funeral fit#was cute. we did bright colors bc it was a celebration not a dower event. and im sure it was ment well but it was a lil weird. and then#everyone was telling my grandma what a great job she did raising my mom and like god fuck off she didn't do jack. my mom was great despite#her terrible mother. ugh. but altogether it was good that everyone was able to express their love for her. it was def a day that was for#them mostly. i mean partly for us but mostly for them. none of us even cried. ay but we have 2 more parties in her honor#bc everyone loved her so much we have to do one in her hometown too. plus a personal friends get together. ugh. im so tired#i wish i wasnt the most awkward. eye contact avoidant person in the room but like ya kno. what can ya do?#unrelated
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Is there anything you would like to highlight from your years searching for the key? Being a 'famous' cowboy must have been fun.
MASTER POST
Asks Start 💙
Previous 💙
Next 💙
#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk mayor#monkie kid mayor#blue and violet#Cowboy Mayor was such a mood in Interlude#like this dude was not tolerating anymore bullshit from the criminal they were tracking down#for real though: I think the Mayor would have struggled a lot for the first few years after getting out of the calabash#probably not as much struggle compared to the time period LBD was inside her tomb and was unconscious for like a century#but it was different during interlude because while LBD had no contact with them they didn't really... go anywhere#they sort of stuck around within the vicinity#but in Interlude they actually had to travel around and do stuff#so it was a bit strange for them to be on their own#anyways it all worked out in the end#making Mayor a cowboy was so self indulgent by the way#completely unnecessary but I wanted to write thst segment#tehe
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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I currently have to write a thesis, work on the biggest project in my entire study programme and will have to start preparing for my bachelor's exam at some point, and my brain thinks now it's a good time to get back into Red Dead Redemption 2👍
#I bought the game last summer but I'm still only at the very start of chapter 3 because I'm slow as fuck with making progress in the story#tbh I think it's bcI've spent the majority of my playing time so far with just admiring the beautiful landscape and taming cute horsies🐴#this game really brings out my inner horse girl again😭 I'd actually love taking riding lessons irl again once uni stuff is over -#but I'm gonna feel really awkward contacting my riding instructor again after such a long (unintentional) radio silence#like 'hello I got consumed with body and soul by university for one and a half years but here I am again do you still do lessons?'#also aside that I'm just really blown away by this game from a game dev perspective#I read that Rockstar used their own engine to make it so I don't have as much of an idea how they do stuff#but based on all the interactions you can do and things you can discover in the game -#my brain is imploding just trying to comprehend the internal structure of how like objects and their states are managed#and how it keeps track of everything and all that#I'm pretty sure it's not possible with a game like this since it's a company secret but I'd love to just get to look at the code#I probably won't even understand shit but it would still be absolutely fascinating#selnia talks
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I know I’m probably really late to this but if that ask game is still happening I’d like to ask desire for Caraval.
AUGH ITS BEEN LIKE 4 MONTHS SINCE I REBLOGGED THAT MEME but yeah sure I'm always down to talk about characters!
desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?
The one thing that Caraval desires more than anything else is connection. Family. People he knows he can trust to have his back in a tight spot, and people who, in turn, he can help pull out of their own tight spots. He wants to be part of something, not necessarily something big, or grand, or world changing, but something close and purposeful. He wants community.
Unfortunately, this has been denied to him multiple times, from the family he was born into dying to illness while he was away, despite the money and medicine he sent home to them, to his reputation with the family he made in his squad being destroyed after it was discovered he was using his status as a surgeon to smuggle drugs. Follow that up with a long period of only being able to find work with the more unsavorable crowds who don't care so much about morality, and he's gotten a bit bitter and cynical. He knows family is what he wants. He just doesn't expect to really be able to get it anymore.
As for what he's willing to do for that family, should he have it, well. It's no coincidence he was discovered smuggling drugs just around the same time of his family's illness.
#pikspeak#oc:caraval#which is to say#he joined the guard > his family got sick > he started smuggling them medicine from the supplies meant for his squad >#his family died anyway > their deaths messed him up enough that he slipped up in covering his tracks and he was found out >#he was dishonorably discharged from his squad and spent time in Space Jail and lost his medical license > the only work he could find was#of questionable legality bc. well. all he knew was medicine. and he couldnt do that legally anymore. black market surgeon.#and now hes a grumpy old man who v much does not endear people with great first impressions bc why bother when most are criminals anyway#(and he makes no mistake that he is not a criminal also. he has no delusions that hes better than them.)#so he just. doesnt expect to have family anymore. contacts and clients sure. maybe even acquaintances. but no family.
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literally yesterday i was saying that i was relieved she turned up alive and i can’t stop wondering if she was gone when i said that
#she’d moved so far away#so there was only so much mom could do to help her#and then suddenly communicating with her became impossible#she contacted her family (that lived in the same area)#and they didn’t really take it seriously#then months later they reached out to mom asking if she’d heard from their sister#which no#mom couldn’t join in the search because she vanished in an area so far away#but when the missing persons report was filed she cooperated to fill in the blanks#since mom was determined to be the last person she was in contact with#a long time passes#we’re pretty sure she’s a jane doe#finally! she’s tracked down#not dead!#at a homeless shelter (homeless camp? i don’t know the terminology for the situation where there’s no roof)#this was a VERY recent devolopment#anyway she’s dead now#the heat took her out#120 degrees F where she was
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add this to the list of things that annoy me about Lana*
#queen in space#*i guess it's more how bioware *utilizes* lana than the character herself?#there are some things about her that annoy me#(not enough to outright dislike/hate her like liara and some others#just enough to stick her in the ambivalent camp with koth ''valkorion fanboy'' vortena)#but that they use her as the easy way out of ''why can't i X?'' or ''why would i do Y?'' situations with a handwavy ''lana said so''#like this is a good example#a perfect example really#rather than have lana turn away a (back-up) sis contact who's on slightly less shaky standing than theron#(who LEFT the sis during your carbonite nap)#which feels like an ooc move for your canonically pragmatic advisor#lean into the fact jonas mentions being on denon while the trooper's running sor#we know things got REAL messy there during arcann's reign#use that (i have plans for the conjunction of those two facts in a longfic :3)#he got tied up there in some sense#OR he was on a deep cover op since he clearly still feels the sis is where he can do the most good#given he stayed throug hall of saresh's fuckery#(and not wanting to lose his job puts limits on how much he#helps with tracking down the deadeyes on jorgan's questline so there's precedent for him putting high priority on his job)#idk i just think there are many better explanations for jonas not joining than ''lana wouldn't let him get in touch with you''??????#and there's other spots where they use lana as the handwave ''bc i said so'' character bc they wanna streamline the story#i understand wanting to streamline the story there's way too many variables to let us do *everything*#(I say as someone who desperately wished elara mentioned aleksei in that bonus 1-on-1 the trooper gets with her#TELL ME HOW YOUR BROTHER IS DOING)#but they put like 85=90% of the explanation for why/how they do that on lana#and just hope she's enough a loyal badass people don't question it#she basically has plot armor at this point since they put in the option to let theron die in nc :|#she's drifting dangerously close to ''bioware assigned bestie'' territory#and it has me very 'eh' about a character i would normally like a lot more#(i do wanna be clear about that.
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DARN, missed it again! 2nd anniversary of being a they/themer :D
#just me hi#i should cue a post for next year cuz i just Keep missing it hfhsv#cool though!! two years of queer yeah babyyy#i now have it/its but they/them was where i started hehe :>#i've considered neos but you know i think they'd be a bit much for me lol#character customization Truly#//i am NOT missing this blog's birthday. proooollyyyy hghfsh#these aren't such huge things but i like to know things have happened hfsh :3#these are two things i really only celebrate on here so i've just Gotta say it :33#//anyway i've been listening to the radio a lot (did i say that? i think i told you that some weeks ago lmao) and it's Funnn (mostlyyy) :D#yes they play the same 15 songs over and over and i'm starting to learn all the words to even the most unremarkable ones but that's part of#the Fun :DD#been listening to it because once in a while they play a song i already have in my playlist (yayy !!) or a song that i like (which then goe#in the Playlist (yayy !!)) that and it supplies a background track to whatever i'm talking about with my siblings which is funny at times#/imagine. you've slipped up. a secret of another's you were never supposed to know was mentioned by accident. so instead of#trying to excuse yourself from guilt you admit to knowing even More. the person you're speaking to is betrayed confused and overall upset.#and you're trying to get in contact with a ghost to give you pointers. it's not great. in the background Lovin On Me is playing#that's how our games have been going hfhsvhf#/i let them play in the plots of my stories sometimes and it's So Ridiculous Dude#i've had to ban specific organs from their characters because they were being wretched little beings. it Was funny though i'll not deny hfh#they've tormented shye + weirded out oath + killed and been killed many times#there were a couple times i saw genuine horror on their faces and i am living on that i'm ngl hfhsvbhs#like the horse thing! it would take a sec to explain so i won't go into it but oh i hurt myself laughing Lolll (it was dark but it was stil#funny hfbvs)#//OH i've gtg now lol --#ciao ciao see you somewhere later from now !! :D
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.
#simultaneously while me and my bf are watching through season 2 - almost to 3 - i'm rewatching 6 on my own#and just got to the part where the spider crawls into theo's skin and like that whole sequence just fucks me up so much#like my boy is homeless#fresh off the victory against the wildhunt but no one's kept in contact with him despite him risking his life multiple times for them#harassed by the sheriff's dept#thinks 'oh this little guy's kinda cute' and then is betrayed by a demon spider#does a quick little surgery before seeing it vanish into smoke and at that point he's got no one to turn to but he's sitting there#struggling with whether or not to call scott#(ignoring the parked on the train tracks part bc i can't handle that rn)#like imagine what's going through this man's head he must be losing his mind and feeling completely alone#and then the hunters literally open fire on him while his hands are up LIKE#he learned so many lessons and became so good and it still didn't matter#he was still alone and getting hit with the shit end of everything even while just minding his own business#i....................i'm just...........#like i'm right right?????#😪😪#theo raeken never did anything wrong (lie) and he deserved better (true)#theo raeken#🤡
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It's interesting to note how the Tabris Origin, which involves a wedding, kidnapping and attempted sexual harassment, and fighting your way through an estate full of guards, is the Origin where gender plays a huge role in what story you experience. M!Tabris will always storm the castle coming to the rescue of his cousin and his betrothed, while F!Tabris will always have to fight her way out because the men in her life can't fully protect her (Nelaros dies, Soris literally hands her the sword, Cyrion is powerless to stop the abduction. Okay, this may be a little unfair to Soris who does fight side by side with Tabris and counsels caution the same way regardless of Tabris's gender). I'd go so far as to say that Tabris is the only Origin where the gender of your PC has a definite impact on the story.
TLDR to the rant in the tags: Tabris is constrained on all sides by being an elf, by their gender, in part by their family, and by society at large (both the Alienage and the wider city).
#bumble our guys are occupying my mind again. the origin defines their roles and experiences so#a lot has been said about the superficial equality of men and women in dragon age: they are equal from a legal point of view#both can become soldiers inherit or assume a position of political and social authority#but that's pretty much it#that experiment aside i think for the tabris story it's interesting. tabris is so contrained#don't go out of the alienage at night. don't anger the shem#don't carry weapons. don't insult them. live in squalor & misery with no hopes of social mobility. get married to a person you don't know#this happens to you because you are an elf. and this happens to you because you are playing as a man or a woman#the other origin where gendered violence might crop up is brosca and idk to what extent bc i haven't had much contact with f!brosca's story#but it would be just like beraht to make weird comments. aeducan gets a weird comment by trian too but that's it#but the alienage is a pressure cooker and the violence dealt unto its inhabitants has a perverse amount of nuance#unlike the circle which is another pressure cooker but a different one the alienage has a better life and more opportunities paraded in#*front of its inhabitants at every waking hour. the mages don't have that jarring contrast (they are reminded of how bad they have it in#*other ways but violence is much easier to normalize in closed communities. there is a reason uldred was able to stoke a rebellion after#*having been at ostagar. one taste of fresh air and that stuffy tower must've been hell awaiting. even wynne takes ger first chance to gtfo#the alienage however knows with striking clarity what it doesn't have. and that hurts. that stings. this ramble went way off track#but my main point is that tabris is constrained on all sides while at the same time having a better life dangled in front of their nose#*every single waking hour. no wonder their origin ends in massacre at their hands#the dam has broken loose. the water is finally cooking over and the pressure cooker explodes#tabris has a body count comparable to that of a seasoned criminal (brosca) and of a knight defending their invaded home (cousland)#which is freaking impressive if you ask me#dragon age#dao#dragon age origins#tabris#warden tabris#f!tabris#m!tabris#astala tabris
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ABOVE THE CLOUDS GOT FOUND YESTERDAY? AT 7 PM? Girl
#So much lostwave is getting found recently…..#How long was found after like 11 years. Kenya song. Fond my mind. The fucking year started off with DFIAD BEING UBCOVERED#(Uncovered as in. We don’t have the full song yet but the bands are in contact & will release the full track sometime in the future)#This year’s gonna be good for lost media bitches I can feel it.
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oh shit just noticed the only boy i’ve ever been into and who made me question for a long time about being lesbian or bi is liking a suspicious amount of wlw posts on twitter…
👀👀👀👀
…egg?
#not to speculate about his gender/sexuality but…#going through his likes and it’s a lot of sapphic anime fanart (the non overly sexualized ones) a few tweets from sapphic accounts etc#and like it doesn’t necessarily mean anything but i’ve always thought there was something queer about him#and i did ask once or twice if he was gay or bi but he said he thought about it but came to the conclusion that he was only into women#which tracks like he always seemed to genuinely be into girls#like i was his first kiss and it was real cute and he seemed to like it a lot and i did too#even though we never kissed again after that#again not to assign him a gender or whatever but IF he is trans it would explain a few things…#anyway he’s studying abroad so i haven’t seen him in a few years and only keep in contact via twitter so idk how he’s like irl rn#but really wish him the best either way!#also it’s funny that i noticed his likes now cause yesterday i was talking about sexuality with the girl i’m seeing#and i mentioned how he was one of the only things that kept me wondering about being bi until recently#my post#also as as addendum: by only boy i’ve ever been into i mean like after the age of 12 cause before that i had crushes that are prob comphet#OH MY GOD#i was looking through his tweets cause i was trying to see if he's been using any pronouns/gendered words to refer to himself lately#and he doesn't tweet much just likes stuff but a year ago he made a thread about going to a convention and in that thread he said:#'a guy got into the bathroom saw me thought he was in the women's bathroom let's goo'#and then complained about wearing heels for 12 hours for his cosplay#oh yeah#again not to assign a gender but it's looking like trans woman to me#will start adressing them as they/them in my head for now until i see them refer to themselves by gendered pronouns/words again#also their twitter name is their surname and not their given (dead?) name?? yeah... it's looking sus#don't wanna talk about this to anyone i know irl for fear of possibly outing them but dbsoafpdsnf#i wish i could let them know somehow that even though we haven't talked for a while i would support them 100% if they were to transition#it's not my place to do so so i won't but dsaoças sending them good vibes!!!
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this just in: i refuse to let my injured wrist stop me from doing shit so i'm making a white patch based on my pathetic beast of a cat
#cicada blabs#clangen#cicada's sprites#don't worry i'm not actually using my wrist THAT much#i'm not touching the screen i'm using the track pad#and i'm just using my right hand to move the cursor and my left hand to click#i'm also working on another set#but uh. they're taken from another person#and i realized i should. probably contact them first to ask if it's okay that i recreate them#so that's put on hold for the moment#bc technically there's two people i gotta ask because both were working on them#and the thread is locked and inactive since august sooo. yeah.#gotta actually dm them lol#i think it'll probably be fine bc i'm not planning to release them publicly#i just really like some of them and want them in my own game#anyway this is very interesting to figure out#since the sprites don't have a defined chin#and she doesn't have white on her chin#i'm also doing other white patches in this set#one is based on a mime 👍
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logically i know that there are several more steps in Getting My Life Together that i have to achieve before i start socializing for real (getting my license and a job being the main ones), but consider: i’m lonely now.
#:(((((((((((#i’m just being a baby but i feel SO deprived of contact#i value my older friends so much but they’re not really *friends*#i can’t open up to them in the way i could somebody my own age#i just want more connection and companionship and i can’t have it yet and it Hurts#once i’ve got my license and a job i’ll be on the right track#still not exactly sure how to find people - but at least i’ll have myself together#but the license is just taking foreverrrrrrrrr and idk when i’ll start the job and it’s just like.#i want irl friends NOW - ya know??#i miss being around people#and idk what to do#other than wait#like i’ve been doing for years now#:((
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