#so my damage dealer doesn't really matter

[nohkalikai]

see i wanna pull for blade bcs hot traumatized character w decent straightforward kit and spider lilies but i wanna pull for imbibitor lunae bcs i think his kit is very cool.

[cosmicjoke]

Okay, this idea that Kenny abandoned Levi because he knew being around him would nurture the same violence and cruelty in Levi as he had in himself is such BS. As if Kenny didn't want to nurture that same violence in Levi. Kenny literally says later that he taught Levi "everything he knows" and that he was his "pride and joy" as a result. He wasn't talking about Levi's kindness. Kenny didn't even know Levi at that point. The last time he'd seen Levi, he was a ten year old boy, standing over the prone body of a grown man he'd just beaten the shit out of. Kenny had no idea of what sort of person Levi had turned out to be, he had no idea how kind and compassionate Levi actually was. All he knew of Levi by then, he would have learned through headlines about "Humanity's Strongest Soldier", which basically only would have recounted what an efficient killing machine Levi was. But he knew nothing about Levi as a person. So he wasn't referring to Levi's compassion when he calls him his "pride and joy", he was talking about Levi's prowess as a fighter and a killer. He was talking about how efficiently Levi was able to dispose of his own squad. That's what Kenny was proud of.

So this idea that Kenny abandoned Levi so that he might have a chance of turning out to be a good person is laughable at best, and an insult to Levi's strength as a person at worst.

It honestly boggles my mind how constantly I see people try to make excuses for Kenny abandoning Levi and trying to spin it into something positive or selfless on Kenny's part. That's like congratulating a crack addict for abandoning their ten year old son in the middle of Times Square in the 1980s, amongst the pimps and drug dealers, the prostitutes and killers and gangs, because they felt like they weren't qualified to raise their kid. Like, man, even if you were to give Kenny the benefit of the doubt and say he did it to help Levi, it still doesn't change the fact that he caused Levi untold depths of psychological damage by leaving him, not to mention the absolutely appalling level of physical endangerment abandoning him in the Underground like that would have placed Levi in. It doesn't matter if Levi's powers had awoken at that point. He was still just a little boy.

But you can't even give Kenny that much credit, because he purposefully and with intent submerged Levi into a world of violence and cruelty in order to make him into someone like him. It's absurd to claim he left Levi so he wouldn't turn out like Kenny when Kenny literally did everything in his power to turn Levi into a mini version of himself for probably five, solid years beforehand. During the most formative years of Levi's life, from likely the age of five to the age of ten, Kenny taught him nothing but violence, cruelty and destruction, and underlying all of it, the lesson that power, particularly power through violence, was the only thing that mattered. Further, this idea that abandoning Levi amongst the worst scum imaginable, I'm talking child predators, human sex traffickers, murderers, thieves, rapists, etc, etc... and expecting Levi to turn out "good" in that environment is, again, laughing at best. And yet, you still have people wanting to give Kenny the credit for how Levi turned out, instead of just giving Levi credit for it himself.

I find that so insulting to Levi, I really do. Instead of giving Levi credit for having the strength of character to overcome the toxic and ruinous lessons Kenny immersed him in for years of his young childhood, instead of giving Levi credit for overcoming the legacy Kenny tried to leave him and mold him into, instead of giving Levi credit for refusing to yield, for refusing to become like the sorts of vile men he was forced to group up around, these people instead want to say it had nothing to do with Levi's strength of character, but rather was a product of Kenny's "selfless actions" in leaving Levi on his own. I mean, I would laugh if it weren't so disgusting.

You know what Kenny would have done if he'd really given a shit about Levi not turning out like him? He would have gotten Levi to the surface and made sure he got adopted out to a good family that would have loved and cared for him. That's what Kenny would have done if he'd actually cared about Levi.

Every time I see anyone try to defend Kenny and the way he treated Levi and what he did to Levi, what I'm really seeing is people saying victims of abuse deserved what they got and that any complaints they might have are simply a product of their own ingratitude or lack of understanding.

I swear to God... people really don't think before they open their mouths around here.

[ideas-4-stories]

(Context: Nonbinary Buggy Supremacy, agender? Undetermined? Genderfluid? Who cares, the clown is a cutie no matter what they wear!!!)

Buggy figures out from an early age that they aren't really... a boy. Exactly? Maybe? Screw it. Sometimes being called a cabin boy or little man is okay, sometimes it's not, it's WEIRD and they don't like it. So they just. Avoid it.

Roger + Crew call Bugs and Shanks the cabin brats, they drop most of the man and boy comments, opting usually for brat or runt instead. And it works!

Then one day someone picks on Buggy playfully and calls them princess ((was it the hands-on-hips haughty fit? Was it a story book reference? Smth else? Dealer's choice))

Only... Buggy doesn't mind that. And soon enough, princess becomes a frequent nickname. And with it comes the tentative try at other names. Buggy likes neutral ones best, but they also feel pretty when they get called quote-unquote feminine terms as well. Masculine ones are... uncomfortable at best, but bearable by necessity.

After the execution, the world is in a tizzy searching for the last vestiges of Roger. Baterilla is a hot fucking mess, but equally easy targets are the newly separated cabin brats of the Roger Crew.

They are looking for Shanks, who is already making a name for himself, and the elusive "princess".

Buggy... is scared. So they distance themself from the truth of the matter, leave sea-salted, warm memories of laughter and hugs and teaching hand behind alongside a baritone voice calling them his pirate princess.

The Navy then ruins everything by publically calling them a crewmate of Roger, a cabin boy, a brother, a man and Buggy is going to be sick-

Luffy is the only one to clock something is wrong, and he reaches out. The ride to marineford isn't quite as fast as some would hope, so he uses this time to figure out what the hell is going on. And Luffy, in that hat, with a smile and dream so much like Roger, with a heart so full and warm like Shanks...

Luffy gets Buggy to talk.

By the end of it, Luffy nods. "You're the clown princess of the Seas, then," he declares. "If Shanks is your brother. He's an Emperor, right? So you can still be princess. Besides, I'll be king! So that just means you're my family too. Can I call you untie?"

Buggy doesn't cry, they DON'T.

But they might hug Strawhat once or twice, and maybe they even keep an eye on their new nephew. And learning his brother is Captain's son...?

Well. Luffy did claim them as family already.

And Buggy was raised by one of the best damn families there was, after all. Family means nobody gets away with hurting one of their own.

Now they aren't strong, they aren't built for brawls.

But maybe Buggy is fast enough, clever enough, and distracting enough to get some serious damage dealt.

((And maybe they can catch the attention of a few warlords, past or present, in the process...))

Buggy's gender is like lost in a Schrödinger's box that was sent to space... much like my gender. Hahahahahaha little projecting this is.

Anyway, this is so fucking cute I cannot, I wanted to cry when I read the part Luffy is being such a sweetheart that he always is. I was also thinking Princess being a nickname that Roger gave Buggy.

Poor Buggy having to distant themselves from who she is and his past. The world is too cruel to Buggy, well until he gets his crew... then other things happen... Buggy has a lot going for him... RIP

Luffy claiming Buggy as family!!! It's too cute!!!

As part, I think Buggy doesn't like fighting unless it's truly necessary, like saving a crewmate life sort of thing. Headcanon of Buggy being very fast and nimble even as he grows older, and Buggy was definitely the brains to Shanks's brawn.

(Buggy catching attention of a few warlords is so good to pass up)

[cerastes]

how do you, uh, utilize irene?

in a NOT carnal way.

what use does "makes idiot enemies fly" have that my specialists/supporters lack? s3 hits like a truck but there are many heavy hitters among guards so she never gets a turn. which operators does she best synergize with? in a NOT carnal way

Due to her height, 156 cm, Irene allows for various strategies, such as the top of the washing machine, the billiards table, the desk, an-- Not in a carnal way, right, I completely lost interest in this ask.

RIGHT SO, Irene's thing is that she's a pretty integral Operator that fills plenty of seams in a composition because she has a rare characteristic: Even though she has her devastating S3, she's not a specialist in just boss bursting, and can hold lanes effectively due to the very rare traits that Swordmasters have among Guards: 2 block, with decent bulk, good attack, and explosive skills. Irene in particular has her Module that grants passive flat 70 DEF ignore per normal hit (and she hits twice per normal hit, so 140 DEF ignores in two hits), meaning her damage is good outside of Skills too, due to the way DEF works in the game, and 50% of the time, she ignores 50% of enemy DEF thanks to her Talent. Irene is a consistent 2-block damage dealer with no real weakness. She's not a jack of all trades because she's actually good at all trades in which you would use her for. Not the best (except at burst and boss killing, in which she's top tier with her S3), but well above average.

Now, Ch'en, the other 6* Swordmaster, is burst-based almost exclusively. Irene has her S2 which takes less hits to charge and can hold multiple charges in order to actually be able to be used outside burst situations. If you are to compare the numbers on Ch'en S3 vs Irene S3, it would seem Ch'en wins out by a little, but in practice, Irene's S3 will likely deal more damage, because her S3 Floats enemies, and she ignores half the DEF of Floating enemies 100% of the time, and her hits have a small AOE, meaning that, unlike Ch'en who needs you to clear the trash mobs first in order to ensure all of her hits lands on the desired enemy with S3, Irene can do that all by herself, since hits on the trash mobs amassed around the boss (or tough enemy you want dead) will also hit the boss, while ignoring half defense for around half of S3's hits. This is why her damage output is so immense and consistent, unlike Ch'en's S3, which needs more micromanaging (such as using AoE damage to clear all mobs around the big enemy first in order to maximize damage).

Irene's S1 is also useful, making her one of the few 6*s that actually have three useful skills instead of a garbage whatever 1st skill and one or two actually useful skills (IE the majority of 6*s). S2's Float has a Weight limit (can only Float enemies with Weight 3 or less), meaning it won't Float heavy enemies. There's no such restriction for S1 and S3. S1 is an auto-activation uppercut that Floats an enemy and then hits them again, ignoring 50% of their DEF guaranteed (since they are Floating). It's her consistent "has to defend against bigger enemies and not just small fry" skill, a bit more niche, but still very useful and when you need it, it delivers.

Now, about Float: The thing with Float is that it's kind of like Bind: Sure, Stun is technically better, but also a lot of enemies you REALLY WANT to crowd control with Stun, are immune to it. There's almost no enemy immune to Float, and this includes bosses. Not even Gopnik is Float-immune. With S1, Irene can interrupt boss attacks (especially if you have more interrupts, like a shifter, since shifting cancels enemy attacks). Floating puts the enemy in the air, which affects some Operators' targeting behavior, but for the most part, putting the enemy in the air is the most unimportant part of Float, it's the fact that it's a consistent control effect that practically no one has resistance against that matters. In the case of handling fodder, if S2 doesn't outright kill them, it may give you a few extra seconds to set up better, especially early map, but again, that's more rare, since S2 will often just outright kill fodder or leave it so low that you don't need to worry about it (pretty useful in Calamity IS2, though, when fodder is tougher!). Supporters' Slow and Irene's Float fill different roles, basically. You have that right, though, you DO want to pair Irene with Specialists to continuously interrupt enemies (Specialists... Like Gladiia S2 or Laurentina? Coincidence? I think not).

Irene's best synergies are, as stated, Shifters and Specialists, including a very special synergy and by far her best: Dorothy S2.

Irene with S1, as soon as an enemy, even a boss, enters the tile in front of her, will Float them for 1 second. During this second, put a Dorothy S2 Bind Mine on the tile the boss is no longer on because they are now Floating, thus, considered an air enemy. The boss lands, triggers the Mine, and is now hit with Bind for 6 seconds if they are the only enemy affected by the mine. In these 6 seconds, if your Irene is, say, S1M1, Irene can land 4 hits and trigger her S1 again, letting you place another mine down there, and so on. This is a true combo and can stall a boss for as long as you have DP and mines to put there. This works best if you DON'T M3 her S1, because at that point, she needs 3 attacks to charge S1 instead of 4, meaning you have to go through mines more often, resulting in a slight increase in damage short term but far less stall time overall. You can basically demolish melee bosses with this and heavily stall and damage ranged bosses (since they keep getting interrupted for the most part, which lets you heal any damage you sustain and also safely charge your burst, such as Mlynar, Eyja, Pozy, etc).

Irene can get a lot done. Her non-S3 factors might not be as flashy, but they are no less effective.

[utilitycaster]

What is your favorite build for any of the cr pcs?

Fjord. I think I've answered a few similar questions recently, so I thought I'd elaborate here on what I'm taking into account specifically when it comes to PC build!

The following all works in concert in a good build - in fact "cohesiveness" is part of the consideration - so it's not like, a discrete point-based system or anything, but I've tried to break it down for ease of understanding.

Is it a build that requires a lot of player skill to craft/customize? This doesn't mean that a very straightforward build can't be good, but if we're talking mechanics, a character like (for example) Caduceus is both a very good build, but doesn't demonstrate a ton of build choices. He has a strong subclass and some good proficiency choices given the party composition, but there's no need for spell choice (prepped caster), no multiclassing, and generally very little that's modular. This is going to be true of basically all the clerics and druids we have - they're powerful classes, but the main decisions made by the player are just day-to-day spell prep. There needs to be modular choice with long-standing consequences for me to actually get intrigued by the build: this means casters who are not prep-based (ie, those for whom spell list matters); multiclasses; and classes or subclasses with lots of ongoing choice involved (eg: warlock invocations; battlemaster maneuvers). So this rules out a lot of characters. (Feats are modular for everyone, but they're infrequent and also ASIs are really valuable and I am in favor of them; they are taken into account here but they're the cherry on the sundae, not the ice cream itself.)

Are the mechanics good: part 1: optimization. Are you good at things? What are you optimized for? As my url indicates I do prefer versatility/support casting capability, but I'm open to being optimized for something more specific. However, in that case...

Are the mechanics good: part 2: party comp. This is tough in Critical Role in that their sessions zero are more screen tests than a consideration of party composition, which is one of the things I associate heavily with a session zero. As such this is about how the character evolves once the gaps within the party are revealed. But there's more to a character than min-maxing themselves or rounding out the party, which brings us to...

Are the mechanics good: part 3: integration with character. Are the build choices being made because of the character arc? Is this narratively earned? Does it tell us something about who that character is?

And so: Fjord is a very modular build (spell choice, invocation choice, multiclass, weapon/fighting style). He is strong on pretty much every possible combat/utility ability with the exception of area of effect, which in a party with a wizard, two clerics, and an arcane trickster isn't terribly important: he serves as a tank; he serves as a capable backup healer; he is an impressive damage-dealer with a wide range of damage types available to him and who is equally capable in melee and at significant distances; and he has multiple short-range teleportation options and the mobile feat making it very easy for him to get around the battlefield. His charisma-based skills are important in a party with relatively low charisma. Hexadin is one of the rare good multiclasses for warlock and actively addresses his comparably low physical stats and is extremely narratively earned in-game. His classes, subclasses, and invocations are strongly worn into his character, thematically, and are extremely useful, and his spell choice was something Travis actively picked and revised during the campaign.

[patty-propaganda-archive]

I have played just a bit of Astral Chain, and GOD does that game made my 'Hunter Patty with demon summons' thoughts come back with a force.

That game has basically the perfect setup/structure to insert her in and make Patty a formidable opponent, while also keeping her, you know, grounded and human. So I propose a shameless ripoff of gameplay mechanics and themes for her in a DMC-universe.

(these rambles are sponsored by my maybe two hours playtime of Astral Chain)

A quick intro about Astral Chain - it's a Platinum game that is set in a sci-fi universe which basically demons invade. Humans set up a special forces division that mixes some captured via Chains demons with human material, and the result are Legions that get paired with an operative and they work together.

Important note here is that the chained demons are exactly that - chained, and they aren't really happy with their predicament, so they try to escape if they aren't controlled properly. That said, they aren't mindless either, and can operate on their own, but are normally tightly ordered around and kept on a strong leash.

I think this setup in itself is very interesting - the humans are trying to fight fire with fire, while fully aware said flame might turn on them if used too freely.

Another thing I'd like to highlight is feel of combat in Astral Chain. The characters fight demons with guns and batons, which, well, doesn't exactly do much damage. The main damage dealer in this equation is, of course, the Legion under the human command.

You can do the normal button-mashy 'attack unless dodge then attack again', but really, in this game it feels like it pays to play Smarter, not Harder. The chain that binds demons is very physical, and with proper Legion positioning you can trip charging enemies or bind them in place for a time. This translates to me that the key is getting the upper hand in a fight, and no 'power level' or some other imaginary number will truly decide the outcome.

Last thing - the main character of the game is a sort of police officer, and they get a lot of requests to help civilians around. Even while on a big demon hunt, the priority for them is protecting humans, and getting to the big bad only after they are secure.

Why I think all of this works Perfectly Well for Patty:

The main premise of 'fighting fire with fire' is something the Order demonstrated quite well in DMC. They went so far in their studies as to develop stable technology based on demonic, and relatively safe enough for human use!

That said, Patty is no martial fighter. She is a human, and she physically cannot compete with demons, even easier ones. She needs as edge in a fight - this is where the idea of playing Smarter comes in.

I have been advocating for Patty getting a summons-based combat style, based of V(ergil) in dmc5, for a while now. I'll keep the design stuff under wraps, but I think that turning the demonic against demons seems very much up Patty's alley. Especially given her sourceress heritage, which, to be fair, we have no idea if it does anything, but hey, why not an ability to bind some demons to herself right? Or well, maybe some new demon-based tech helps her do that, but the technicalities don't really matter.

Plus, DMC demons already Do have a 'binding' ritual of sorts - the Devil Arms. Humans certainly can't wield those, so that's out of the question, but a simpler demon? Bound for a time even maybe? Not a bad substitute.

So, Patty gets herself a gun for long range, something close-range (rapier) for self-defence, and acquires a demon binded for herself.

Another idea I read a few times was Patty trying to get herself a position...close to the demon-hunting, but not the task itself, as she's not suited for continuous fighting. Something more about helping people, organising them and other supportive roles for when invasions happen.

Needless to say, I think that after how Dante disappeared on her, Patty would want to keep a Very Close ear to the ground about demons. She wouldn't be able to just stand aside either, so I think she'd volunteer to help there and then keep it up.

Having an ability to Bind demons would be a valuable ability in this situation, as her main focus would be on helping and defending civilians, instead of mowing down hordes on her own.

This can be up for debate, but I think the idea of demon binding being situational is more useful than getting a single demon bound permanently. Permanent binding would probably be harder to keep up, mostly in terms of mental/magical(?) effort, and I don't think Patty really needs that ability on all times. A spontaneous binding of a single demon out of the attack group though? More sudden, adaptable and, depending on the power of the demon chosen for binding - more cost-efficient, or at least you save up on the cost outside of fighting.

Another option is a 'pokemon' situation, when the binding requires energy only for the initial bind, but the upkeep is cost-free. So, she needs to change demons only when the bound one is too weak to fight anymore. Though I don't think that fits the other dmc demons rules, and the situational bind situation is better.

tldr Astral Chain gave me the perfect vision of Hunter-Patty, which is pretty much a ripoff of abilities from that game. It fits Patty very very well in my opinion though

So yeah, Astral Chain basically gave me a fully-realised Hunter-Patty fantasy, and I really love this mix of ideas for her. The game itself is also very fun, and I highly recommend everyone tries it out, if you can (curse you nintendo for holding it hostage). Thank you for reading this ramble)

[blazerwyvernmaster]

So...I may talk about my Persona ocs here. As well as on my writeblr.

So just incase you want some basic info n stuff!!!

Yoshimi Chibana, The Fool(He/Him)

A transfer student from the city. His parents sent him away to live in a rural area to escape some sort of disaster

With the powers of a wild card, he hopes to bring some kind of hope to those around him. The shadows seem to be based on the hopeless or dark thoughts of others, so it fits.

Typical wild card. His starting persona has an emphasis on wind and slash attacks.

Daichi Yuugi, The Hermit (He/They)

An oddball who dreams of making others smile with his stories. Unfortunately, because of his attitude and actions, many have labeled him an idiot.

With their new powers, thru might not be able to prove them wrong, but they will be able to prove to themselves that they're more than a damned stupid clown.

Jack of all trades, who specializes in electric damage, buffs, and status curing and causing. Also does decent strike damage.

Sahori Asana, The High Priestess (She/Her)

The daughter of a doctor who's always wanted to help people with their lives. While her dreams of helping others are admirable, she often doesn't take the time to be kind to herself or push her boundaries.

In a world where despair reigns supreme, she ains to use her powers to save and protect people. Just...don't touch her without her permission and you'll be fine.

Main healer. Adept at ice damage, curative skills, and defense buffs. He also has physical counter skills. Don't touch her.

Taiyou Hazuma, Strength (He/Him)

The son of a retired athlete who has been constantly training in order to be strong like his father, no matter how much it hurts. He aims to be a beacon of hope to his friends, and hides his weaknesses often.

Maybe if he helps fight against shadows, he will be able to find out what really makes him strong. And hey, it's good exercise and helps people. That's good too.

A resilient tank and damage dealer. Focuses on fire and slash skills, as well as attack buffs and getting crits with ease.

Ruka Fukumoto, Justice(She/Her)

A young girl who seems like a delinquent, but is often misunderstood. She would rather just get by and be in peace, but the world is not so kind to her.

Her powers not only allow her to change society, but in a way, get revenge. She will break down the darkness in people's hearts with fury...which probably isn't healthy.

High HP and strength, low endurance. A balanced fighter who wields varied physical strikes and debuffs, as well as some ice damage for coverage.

Kagome Syuuto, The Tower(He/Him)

A surprisingly young veteran of a previous war, now a warrior against the darkness of shadows. He works at a high school now, silently hoping that the new generation learns from the old.

He hates the fact that teenagers are here, but with his power, he hopes he can protect them, and then world too. He'd never say it, but he'd throw his life away for them if he needed to.

A strong physical attacker. Focusing heavily on pierce skills and dark attacks while also having a plethora of debuffs at his disposal.

Kisara Taito, The Chariot (She/They)

A young adult who works at a high school and often faces scrutiny for her life choices and gender expression. They want to ignore those who hate the fact that their life makes them happy.

Her power to assist other with her Persona, and her very good people skills will come in handy. She'll make sure the party is well cared for.

She starts as a navigator, but her powers on the battlefield are no joke. Excellent in high fire damage, as well as speed debuffs and status effects.

"Abel", The Star (He/Him)

A mysterious person who seems to want to understand humanity and protect it with his life. They seem to have a lot of compassion for this world they now inhabit

Initially against the idea of combat, they decide to take up arms to protect humanity from Shadows. They seem to...lack a true persona of their own, which is odd.

A supportive master. They specialize in wind and strike damage, and emergency healing, as well as some good physical damage too.

Ousuke Katou, The Moon(They/Them)

With odd behavior and occurances all around, there's only one reporter who wants to take the case: a high schooler who's definitely a loner. They want to help others and often do thing most wouldn't to achieve their goals.

Their powers, while not useful for direct combat, are invaluable and one of a kind. Even if their efforts are never public, they want to do everything they can to help.

Navigator, who's...a little on the offensive side? They have supportive abilities but can also debuff and stop enemy attacks with their abilities.

Tsubasa Miwako, The Sun(She/Her)

A middle school girl with an incredibly positive attitude, at least when around people, she trusts. The people around her have always told her to, essentially, stop being as happy as she is because of her foreign heritage.

After being saved, she decides to be like the mature people who saved her and fight the darkness. This worries literally everyone around her, but she's surprisingly capable.

A jack of all trades with an emphasis on light magic, slashes, attack debuffs and critical strikes. Extremely dodgy. Can heal in a pinch.

[muffinrecord]

I'm not going to try too hard for Kimochi, but that doesn't mean I won't have fun all the same.

Taking large chunks of HP from the boss is super satisfying.

This is the team I'm using right now, with a slightly different memoria setup for the "spend" phase.

I think I might swap out Kuroe but I have no idea who to swap in for her. TBH the only thing I use her for is her active mp to all, otherwise she just kinda sits there.

That said, I'm not really sure if there's a good alternative for her. I could try and sub in a different damage dealer but I have a good thing going with my spend phase. Heruka can only contribute so much damage at a certain point (and debuffs and buffs) but her mp restore is just too good to note use imo?

The spend phase is endless fun. The first three turns are literally just the same. All of these are doppels btw

Mami > Mami > Heruka Mami > Mami > Heruka Mami > Mami > Heruka Mami > Mami > Madoka Mami > Heruka > Kuroe Heruka > Mami > Mami

I mean to take a screenshot but clicked the wrong-ass button so. woops.

I haven't really looked at what the best order for the mamis would be, and did scene zero > holier mami. That's cause I'm 78% sure that Scene zero mami gives buffs to the whole team while holier mami only gives buffs to herself, so it's better to have scene zero mami buff holier mami and blah blah blah

I did Heruka last for the first few turns, even though she gives everyone buffs and debuffs the enemy. This is because I wanted to prioritize her mp regen to the team. Thinking about it though, she could probably still go first on round one because I earn enough MP there that it shouldn't be a problem? I should prob test this out.

Okay yeah just tested it out lmao and it works just fine if she goes first. well that's an easy way to increase damage done on turn one!

Alright so new spend phase:

Heruka > Scene 0 Mami > Holier Mami Scene 0 Mami > Holier Mami > Heruka Scene 0 Mami > Holier Mami > Heruka Scene 0 Mami > Holier Mami > Scene 0 Madoka Scene 0 Mami > Heruka > Kuroe Heruka > Scene 0 Mami > Holier Mami

I just looked at the wiki and realized that Heruka doesn't give damage increase/damage up but tbh that doesn't matter because by turn three, I'm consistently hitting damage cap on the two mamis anyways

[crystalelemental]

I can't front.  I hate this one.

General Overview This one's weird, because it's not as though I don't have many EX Fire types.  I have more of them than I do Water types.  But somehow, Fire feels like a nightmare.  I didn't bother trying on Electric, I know that's worse.  But I didn't expect the Fire run to be so...terrible.

Problem 1: Fire supports suck unless they're SS Morty.  Kiawe doesn't do enough in one action, Evelyn is sturdy but not good at survival, while MC Torchic and Marley absolutely suck ass.  Anything above like 300 Strength may as well instantly kill those two.  And my Marley is EX, there is no excuse.

Problem 2: There is like nothing technical in this type.  SS May is a good example.  Like oh good, defense debuffs.  Except there aren't.  They're all single-target, and unless partnered with NC Leaf, she's kind of atrocious at her job.  Anni N is super slow to debuff anything, so even with his Sp Def drops against Kiawe, he can't get to it because oops, too busy having to Noble Roar.  Serena's sleep is borderline useless with Resilience and she's not a good damage dealer, Lodge Irida has a 50% flinch rate instead of 60% and somehow this is noticeable, etc etc etc.

Problem 3: some of these stage conditions are a nightmare.  Removal of 80% sync damage is absurd against Flannery, while Flint's removal of healing is absolutely disastrous.  Debuffs should be the answer to him, but it's not great, because you have only two options to work with.  And guess what.  One of the stages cuts Striker stats, so good luck with that.

Fire just feels like it sucks.  I can't figure out a good means of approaching half of these stages.  I have ideas, but they're clearly not working. This is about as good as I can do without investing more resources, and guess what I don't really want to do.  The supports suck, there's not really any good technical utility, and the stage conditions are nightmarish.  So I feel like this one's particularly rough.

And yet apparently it's not, and I'm just dumb!  I am super far down the ranks despite this score!  Honestly I don't know why.  Outside of the Master rank, sure, I'd buy that.  But down in Great?  You're telling me there's like 40k+ players out there that have performed better than this?  I don't think my Fire roster is lacking, so I admit, I'm legitimately stunned.  It's Challenger Gloria, isn't it?  I didn't get her, I don't like that outfit and don't like Cinderace.  But I'd bet that's a huge part of it.  How absurdly frustrating.

I may try to push a bit higher.  But I'm tempted to stop here just to keep the rounded number of powerup tickets.  Not like I need the Master medal, this is just pride.  And I find myself crankier than I want to be with this, so I'm not exactly keen on it.

Vs. Kiawe (MC Torchic, Anni N, Serena) This is the "Strikers get fucked" match, so I put Anni N here expecting the spread damage to matter.  It doesn't.  Anni N kinda sucks horrifically, you know?  So slow to set up, attack only has 85% accuracy by default, he's too busy.  Serena seemed like a good disruption call, but frankly the spread sleep is terrible.  They all recover simultaneously and it's too much for Torchic, and god forbid Anni N burns.

Vs. Blaine (Kiawe, Leon, Eevee Lucas) This one could be achieved much more easily with investment.  I have no doubt that this would generate a good amount more if I just bit the bullet and invested.  Leon's able to take the sync with Eevee Lucas' Atk debuffs, and his Earthquake/Hurricane combo is supereffective against everything.  But, because Leon and Lucas are 1/5 non-EX, they can only get so far.  If I were really aiming to push the score, this would be the solution.  And who knows, maybe that would fix the godforsaken gauge issues too.

Vs. Flint (Evelyn, Hilda, NC Leaf) No healing is a brutal condition in Fire.  With Anni N accounted for, the only other offense debuffer was NC Leaf.  Without healing, the options for support were Marley or Evelyn, and I went Evelyn for the defensive ability.  I slightly regret it.  Part of my problem here is that Hilda mostly exists just to sync, but truth be told she's not the best pick.  Without healing, all this Potion goes to waste.  But my other options aren't EX either.  I haven't EX'd Ethan, I won't EX SS Red, and I highly doubt Lodge Calem or Blarcanine are going to accomplish anything.  But really, this fight is...bad.  I think it might legitimately be in my best interest to drop Leaf and put in someone else, as Flint also uses Fire-type sync, and it's brutal.  But I can't think of anyone who stands a chance.  The problem with this mode is that it's all bulk.  They deal good damage, you do not, so it's an endurance contest.  Guess what doesn't work in your favor when you can't heal.

Vs. Chili (Marley, SS May, Lodge Irida) SS May really should be better than she is, but here we are.  I tried to get Irida to flinch for some extra turns and boy did that not accomplish shit.  Marley is frail beyond belief, and without debuffs, we're all just corpses in waiting.  Nothing in this fight works in our favor.  I can't even say there's a good SS May approach, since the only possible partner she works well with is NC Leaf.  I could make that shuffle, but it's not great.

Vs. Flannery (SS Morty, Silver, SS Hilda) SS Hilda deals great DPS, and that's really the aim here.  Flannery syncs Rock, which means Sun does little for her.  Silver can take every sync after first, since the damage won't matter, while Hilda beats everyone down.  Problem: spread damage from Searing Shot is required.  V-Create will not get the job done, and you will not have a good time against full HP sides.  Even with his bulk, Morty can only accomplish so much when the strength values start flying.  I honestly hate it.

Final Thoughts I think I'm legitimately mad about this one.  I have more EX Fire types than Water, but Water had nearly 80k more points out of this event.  I held Master rank with Water.  I don't even like Water.  I like Fire.  I was kinda looking forward to trying this one.  But I think I hate it now.

This is an excellent showcasing of how badly you need good supports.  Water thrived because it's got plenty of great support options to choose from, while Fire here is a nightmare.  While I admit I could push score pretty dramatically with the right investment, I don't really want to do that.  I don't care to invest in Leon, SS Red, and Eevee Lucas, just for this.  I don't want to use my candy on this.  So this is probably right where I'm staying.  Which annoys me.  I feel like I should be able to do better, but I don't think I want to try.

[unmotivater]

A Review of Neanthadral Opens The Door to the Universe

Mild Spoiler Warning & Trigger Warning for Discussion of Suicide & Abuse

Can you believe it? I literally finished it under 24 hours, like all four hundred pages under a damn day (well technically, I started it yesterday at like seven pm and finished it at four pm today). That was how addictive it was, I just kept reading through it. Flipping through it. I couldn't believe I thought my sister was ridiculous for buying this.

Unlike most YA novels I've read, our protagonist (Cliff Hubbard, AKA the titular Neanderthral) narration is entertaining. He's self deprecating, but he isn't pathetic. He doesn't really put himself down for attention, he's just shaped that way.

Before the story started, his brother, Shane, committed suicide and that pretty much made his life worse. Then, his life took a turn for the... greater weirder when one of the school's assholes Aaron Zimmerman got a concussion and told Cliff God came to him with a list. A list on how to fix the school.

I was never one for religious books, or books with religious themes. I'm just not interested. But this one handled it well! (And most of the supporting cast are err... atheists, so that's also unique. One of the main characters turns agnostic by the end, no elaboration on that.)

Cliff is huge, as in GIANT huge (that's where his cruel nickname comes from), but don't let that fool you. No matter how much his dad tells him to join the football team, he's basically a nerd at heart. (Although he can beat an asshole up easily. I'm not sure if he needs the football team as much as the football teams needed him).

I didn't really get most of the references, but I was so invested in Aaron's and Cliff's bromance. Their friendship went from 'Yeah, I only went along with his List for the jokies' to 'I would DIE for Aaron (well he never said that, but you can assume that)'.

They act like straight teenage guys, you know, ass, boobs and girls, but they also got a lot of chemistry together. Honestly, they're one of the few bromances I don't find myself shipping romantically. I just love them.

I forgot to elaborate on his list, but they were basically pointers on how to make their school better;

Put an end to Niko (one of the bullies obviously)'s bullying

Call the JTs (group of crazy Christian teens) to repentance

Remind Mr. Spinelli (an asshole teacher of theirs) why he chose to teach.

Show Frankie's gang (notorious gang of drug dealers) a better way

Find and stop HAL (a hacker)

Yes sir, I busted the book out!

Of course, it's left ambiguous on if Aaron did see God. Weirdly, the book also implies that Shane had a hand in transporting the message to him? The book does lean towards it being the result of his brain damage, but personally I liked to think there was a God sending him a message. Not a traditional God in our religions, no, I think a God.

Granted, I am an atheist so I don't have a horse in this race.

But seriously. Aaron got the best character development in this book. He went from a handsome, sexist douchebag to a well... handsome, loveable douchebag. Seriously. It wasn't just the concussion changing him, he really does change for the better. Albeit, he's still a teenager so he got a far way to go in terms of change but this is still better than nothing.

And did I mentioned Tegan, Cliff's girlfriend? I was worried she'd be those girlfriend characters that are only used to further the protagonist's development, but she has her own arc, personality, and hurts.

If I was a straight man, I'd fall for her. That's a queen.

But this topic does touch on some heavy topics. They may be hard to read through. For one example, Cliff has flashbacks to Shane's graphic suicide a few times. So, it might be triggering for any readers sensitive to that.

Cliff's dad also physically abuses him a lot, so that's also another sensitive topic the book touches on. But don't worry, his life gets better from here. A lot better. Everything I discussed in this post is just a tip of the iceberg, the four hundred page novel is a LOT more than that.

Overall, this is one of the few books I'd give a five star. Captivating, emotional, fun story, fun characters, beautiful themes. I adore everything about it. I wish I had read it earlier, but better now than never, right?

Please check it out if you love a YA novel that isn't centered around a romance. It's beautiful, fun, amusing.

And that was all that unmotivater wrote.

[brionysea]

what’s so bad about superheroes being a group? are the avengers unethical or something i don’t watch marvel stuff

it's not really a bad idea in and of itself. friends/teammates who understand what it's like; people to hold you accountable and keep you from making bad decisions; presenting a genuinely stronger, unified front against really big threats to protect more people across the board. that kind of stuff isn't a bad idea. but it can go south with interpersonal conflicts, which is bad considering how powerful they all are, and it's something that spider-man - in this case, peter parker, because i really don't know that much about the others, and miles morales as he is in the spiderverse films (but it probably applies to all of them) - reeeeally doesn't vibe with

partially because it leads to nonsense like the government (or some other authority) trying to control them, which happened in a marvel film a while back (and in the latest spiderverse film). partially because of probable security mandates like disclosing secret identities, which spidey wouldn't go along with because of the danger to his loved ones - all the spidey films you've heard of have covered this already, but that's a much bigger deal to Normal Person Superheroes like spidey than to rich people with security teams and huge mansions to hide in. partially because the friendly neighbourhood spider-man could not STAND being chummy with someone like billionaire arms dealer t*ny st*rk and you cannot change my mind

it's a really specific problem with spidey, and i'm not sure how to adequately get it across other than what i said in that other post. i guess he plays well with others, but he doesn't work well with others. his moral compass is too strong and he can't go against that for the sake of "the team", if he were to be part of one and they were to disagree on something really important - which everything is when you're a superhero, because it's a matter of life and death for the people they're trying to protect. it's better to only answer to himself and not have to waste time playing diplomat or fighting his way out when he knows what the right thing to do is and people could be dying in the meantime

spidey is also just... grounded, in a way i don't think big names like the avengers really are anymore? his perspective is smaller, but in a good way. he looks out for the little guy. i could see spidey helping an old lady carry her groceries home, because he's the friendly neighbourhood superhero, but the avengers? nope. too busy fighting aliens. just thinking about the collateral damage of their fights stresses me out. that overall team focus on the Bigger Picture wouldn't mesh well with this specific hero

[scentedchildnacho]

My relationships........class directed me to an apa website that was surprisingly coherent for psychological discourse.....

Usually psychology is dreaded classes because people try to skew unscientific research into whatever their subjective interpretation of theory is no matter how much damage using women's studies for power plays do

Epidemiology trying to cure water supply concerns with vaccines causes very very disorganized language acquisition

They just don't want you to use the water fountain and tried to make you feel like a military base

Needles doesn't fix things it experiments with phobias and abnormal psychology

Needles kept wanting to be forcibly invited and the sanger method was already improved on to not need entire strands of DNA

So now I have attachment theory about the scary drug dealers....and that's their parents wouldn't go to jobs and take care of things if they wouldn't take care of them to certain doctors recommendations

I also have ethnography and needs for jeans fit as really really important for power discourse

This apa website explained I get angry about the drug dealing because I can't stand the underlying methodology of how they study the dealers behaviour....

Some of the fires were started by someone from California.....neighbors report finding him a normal guy and not seeing anything that would have alarmed them as someone who would do that

So I think it's about sports and district real estate desirability....the dealers are maybe from a near by city and go around riverside to encourage that it's not viewed as a quality lifestyle to sell

Gambling assurances insider trading

I get upset by drama of dealers thinking they may be around her public doll adherents if you won't give that teacher her ladies in waiting she will try to kill you

Its a public school teacher....and if people ever take Them away they will hit you with cars rape you in jails if you were called private practice

That's me about legal research out of concentration camps in Nazi Germany and why I study online with many teachers it's not normal sane or correct practice to expect people to orate in front of a differential group it made them suppress normal anxiety

[shummashum]

Klaus Goldstein Ch14 [11~15]

eh failed?

oh fuck there was an attack reflection gimmick okay let's memo this she has an attack reflection gimmick at the beginning of phase 1

"tsun tsun" thank you LuciLuci by the way this is my first time seeing Luci use magic this guy uses a pendant as a medium

well I'm not that concerned about him he has a dedicated tank, supporter, and sub-dealer for him after all the possibility of Zeus' injury or death… is probably low

Anyway, Zeus recited the incantation again, making her arm damaged.

oh… capturing her alive? not in dead state?

Well Liz also joined in and added a second rope.

um… Al that statement is quite dangerous

uh… guys? the bgm hasn't turned off yet guys would you please stop using magic spells like that it's a ridiculously powerful spell that can instantly revive a dying opponent restrain yourself let's do something called mouth crackdown yeah??

I told you,,, I sense the energy of being fucked that looks like some kind of ancient incantation, then the one who recited that might be the culprit

and Cae, also sensing that something got wrong, told everyone to run away!!

don't ask just run for your life

but wait why did you guys come here alone? why didn't you get support from the Ministry?? now that you're cooperating with them, you should've suck out their marrow come to think of it, they just came without any report to the higher-ups

that that that that that killer doll was he really the culprit that fucking killer doll someday I'll definitely catch that bastard and break his horns

Meanwhile…

I told you I repeatedly told you to watch your mouth it's your fault the reason things ended up like this is because you guys spoke carelessly

oh… shit a meat shield -- I mean, a tank was needed

As she helplessly looked at the arrow flying towards her…

uh… he's gone he's gone… he's gone after all

well but I knew it he piled up the flags endlessly, it's even weirder that he wouldn't die oi Eli your brother got fucked!!

uh, whatever is that going to be processed as an industrial accident? in any case, he got injured while working but then again, can I consider this as "while working" they didn't tell the Ministry in advance like "We're going to raid the wizardess" or something then this case will be treated as a non-work issue then it's not going to be considered as an industrial accident

uh erm um well…… let's at least retrieve the body first

so centered around Caesar, Al, Zeus, and even Luci gathered their strength but why not Hiro,,? um… because there's no light magic in Hinomoto? now that I think about it, I've never seen him use any spell is it true that he uses Hinomoto magic aka Onmyodo in the first place? what kind of magic does he use eh… I don't know

oh… this guy can recite an ancient incantation?

but it looks like… a kind of Japanese? that might be an anagram of the Japanese form of a certain spell but my head will hurt from trying to interpret it, so I'll pass

oi you you still do that even after what happened

well… can we judge that they really did it this time, right?

since the heart was pierced, can it actually be considered death? but he was pierced by a magic arrow, not something physical like a unicorn horn doesn't that mean there are no physical wounds then can we say that the mechanism is ultimately the same as cardiac arrest caused by internal factors it's a matter of golden time after all maybe we can save him?

-Ch14 End-

[nothing-but-dreamy]

SECRET LOVE

Pairing: DBH!Connor X OC!Character

Words: 3.636

Warnings: smut, dominance (nothing too heavy), slightly rough Connor

Summary: Kat is a detective of the DPD and secretly dating one of her colleagues for a few weeks. After a long day, the only thing she is yearning for is a nice evening with her boyfriend to forget about all the idiots in the world. But sometimes ‘nice’ is not the wanted thing.

02. January 2039

05:26:07 PM

… and the only thing Kat wanted was a coffee, a hot shower, pizza and maybe watching a movie… But instead she pushed a junky around she had arrested thirty minutes ago as he was dealing nearby an elementary school.

The junky grunted as he stumbled forward, a bit clumsy on his feet, “Come on, sweetheart, be a bit more cautious with me. There is still a chance for the two of us to work out. I mean after everything we went through so far.”

“I don’t think so, asshole.”, Kat muttered and pushed the guy further through the department to put him finally into one of the detention cells. It was a pity that the cells had electrical doors nowadays, otherwise, she just could throw the key away.

“But darling-”

“Shut the fuck up and move.”, Kat spitted and pushed him around once again.

“You need help there, hon?”, Gavin asked with a lopsided smirk while he leant casually against his desk with crossed arms and legs.

Kat rolled with her eyes. That was another asshole she didn’t need right now. Not after such a long day. “No, thanks, I’m fine. There’s no need for you to get your hands dirty.”, Kat fired back.

“Oh, but Kat, I would love to get my hands dirty...with you. If you just could read my mind right now-”

“Then, I’m sure, I would puke straight into your ugly face.”, Kat hissed and was happy to reach the detention cell and to leave Gavin, the biggest asshole of the DPD, behind. Kat pushed the junky into the cell and closed the door with the scan of the palm of her hand.

“But, baby. You can’t leave me alone here. I’m afraid of the dark.”, the junky said with a disgusting smirk.

Kat closed her eyes, breathed in and counted to five to calm herself. She really needed the end of the work day or … her boyfriend.

“Hey, Chris! Where's Hank?”, Kat asked as she stopped by the abandoned desks of Hank and Connor. Neither the Lieutenant nor the android were around.

“They brought a suspect in ten minutes ago. I guess they’re still in the interrogation room.”, Chris answered and turned back to his own work. Kat considered if she should just wait til they were done or if she should visit them. She looked quickly around, her eyes fell on Gavin who spoke to a colleague. If he would see her sitting around alone, he would come over to her - the last thing she wanted.

So, Kat decided to sneak into the interrogation room. An officer sat at the desk and controlled the camera and the microphone. Hank sat next to him and observed the interrogation room through the one-way mirror. Kat closed the door softly but Hank noticed her nevertheless. He greeted her with a quick nod before he looked back ahead to his partner.

Kat knew about their latest case. An android had killed its owner and they had searched for it for a while. Since the successful revolution, these kinds of attacks were rare but they happened from time to time. Hank and Connor were still assigned to these cases and now, as they had found the suspect, it was Connor’s turn to question the android.

Connor wore still his grey jacket and his typical white suit shirt underneath but the android markings were gone. The blue band around his arm and the android label on his back were both removed. He was no longer property of CyberLife but he got used to the style of clothes, so he had decided to keep them. Even the black tie was still around his neck. Kat liked to watch the android no matter what he did.

That was one of the reasons why she had said yes as Connor had asked her out several weeks ago. He had been nervous as hell, Kat had seen it in his eyes and his insecure expression but she had said yes and till now, it was the best decision she had ever made when it came to men. To date an android was interesting and new. She had expected it to be more awkward but there was nothing that felt uncomfortable with him.

Connor was extremely nice, the complete difference to all her ex-boyfriends before. He acted as a real gentleman and treated her right. Always. Til this day, Kat didn’t regret getting into a relationship with Connor. But they kept it secretly to avoid any unwanted attention - mostly of Gavin who already had made it to his personal mission to torture Connor whenever he could. It is not for nothing that Kat always called him Detective 'douchebag' Reed.

Kat enjoyed watching Connor interview a suspect. She had seen it several times before but each time, she was amazed by his skill to get a confession. Sure, his analyzing program was helpful to find clues before the suspect even spoke a word but it was for his special ability to piece these information together in no time that made the difference.

"Is this the android who killed its owner? Have you found it finally?", Kat asked curiously. Hank nodded.

"At least, that's what the eye witnesses said. They saw it running away but it came back one night. Maybe Connor will get something out of it.", Hank explained and Kat was sure the android would be successful. She was glad that she came to the right moment.

Connor sat across the suspect, an MC500 model. An android for paramedic purposes. The victim had been a dealer, maybe there was a connection. But this one android was rigged up with dirty skin and clothes which were damaged. This model reminded Kat always of a Ken-like guy but this one seemed to be living on the street or it had experienced some bad times.

Connor considered the best approach. He considered a friendly way to gain his trust but the android in front of him seemed to have experienced a few rough things so, maybe, it wouldn't be impressed by kindness and wouldn't fall for it. The android's right arm was covered with deep scars which were glowing blue and even its chest seemed to be damaged, visible through the shrewd fabric. The best way would be a more aggressive one. Maybe if he would scare it, it would talk more easily.

Kat watched how Connor skimmed through the case file and the pictures with his long, slender fingers. She saw him stopping at some pictures, probably searching for the right way to start.

Several minutes passed before Connor looked at the handcuffed android. "What's your name?", Connor asked directly to start the interview slowly. His smooth voice sounded like honey and Kat was looking forward to seeing her boyfriend doing his job. After this rough day of chasing a junky through half of Detroit’s city, she needed some eye candy.

"So, you want to stay silent, huh?", Connor said and stood up more aggressively than necessary. With crossed arms, he walked around the table and towered above the other android. He looked down at it with a stern expression. His brows were drawn together and his brown eyes were gleaming darkly. Suddenly, Connor freed his hands and slammed them violently on the metal surface of the table. The booming sound echoed through the interrogation room and Kat jumped a little. Surprised, she watched how Connor lowered towards the android to be on the same level while he was still towering him.

"Just because androids aren't slaves anymore doesn't mean that you can run around and kill humans.", Connor grunted deeply. "You're accused of murder,", he said low but threatening, "Crimes like this will be punished. You hear me?", Connor asked, still very threatening.

With huge eyes, Kat watched how Connor grabbed the android by its collar to pull it up to his eye level.

"Do you hear me? I swear you will be sent back to CyberLife." he threatened. "They will switch you off and tear you apart piece by piece!", he screamed into the android's face. The android winced and shuddered. But Connor just tightened his grip on the fabric. "You're just a fucking murderer! A cold blooded piece of shit who killed an innocent human!", Connor spat poisonously and let the android drop back on its chair.

With an open mouth, Kat looked shocked at Connor who had cursed in front of her for the first time. He acted aggressive. He screamed. He became physical. She had never seen him like this before. Her mind was racing to process what she had seen and heard. His voice was dark, deep and demanding. He was dominant and the boss in this room who showed off his power. Kat was speechless and became… turned on.

"I… I don't want to be destroyed…", the android whispered weakly.

But Connor didn't seem to be impressed. Instead, he waited and stared down at the android unemotional. He waited a few more moments before he slammed his hands on the surface again. "I don't care what you want! The victim also didn't have a chance to decide if he wanted to die or not. You took that chance from him!", Connor said low but powerful.

This low voice shot goosebumps down Kat's spine.

"But just because he attacked me first!", the android screamed back desperately to explain himself and that was the breaking point. Connor sat back on his place across the android and listened to the confession. Hank was also listening but Kat had difficulties to follow the interrogation. Several times, she tried to concentrate but her mind was always drifting back to the demanding voice and rough behavior of Connor.

Kat felt that something rose inside her. She knew the hot feeling that rose deep in her core all too well. And she knew the reason behind that feeling: Connor. Connor had turned her on so much with his aggressive way that she wasn't able to concentrate anymore.

Kat sneaked out of the room. Neither Hank nor the officer had noticed her disappearance. In the hallway, she leant against the wall next to the door and stemmed her hands into her sides. She tried to calm her thoughts but intense pictures were running in front of her eyes and fueled her lust even more. Her mind was running wild.

Several minutes later, the door opened and awoke Kat from her trance. The officer left the room with the android and Hank by its side. Connor followed them. Kat grabbed Connor by his arm to pull him towards her.

"Oh, hey, Kat- what's wrong?", Connor asked, concerned as he saw Kat's dark eyes.

But she just dragged the puzzled Connor after her, down the hallway and slipped into the next available room.

"That's the male bathroom, Kat.", Connor explained softly but she pressed her hand over his mouth.

"I don't care.", Kat said low. She saw the confusion in Connor's eyes. "I saw you. During the interrogation. What was that?"

"What do you mean?", Connor asked with a raised brow.

"You were cursing! You were aggressive and dominant. I had no idea you could be like this!"

"It was a tactic to approach the suspe-", Connor explained matter of factly.

Kat stopped him from speaking once again. "I don't care, Connor. You turned me extremely on with this behavior and for ten minutes, I can't think of anything else than how you acted in this room.", Kat whispered low but heavy. Connor noticed her aroused manner. Slowly, Kat removed her hand from his mouth.

"So, you liked that, huh?", Connor asked low and straightened himself to his full height.

Kat nodded slowly with a lopsided smirk. She moved her hands up and down his chest but Connor reacted quickly.

He grabbed her wrists and pressed her against the door with his lower body while he shoved her hands above her head. "You like it rough, baby girl?", he asked with a deep voice and dark eyes. Connor watched how she gnawed on her lower lip while she was nodding. Connor lowered his head but stopped inches from her lips to tease her. Kat tried to escape his hands but he just tightened the grip. Only then, he crashed his lips on hers for a hungry kiss.

Kat moaned and arched her back to greet his chest with her breasts. Connor understood the hint and changed his grip around her hands. With one hand, he held both of her wrists while he stroked along her side with his right hand. Teasingly and very slowly, he slid his fingers down her ribcage to her hip. Then, he slipped underneath her shirt and stroked up to her chest. Kat's breath quickened as Connor reached her breast to squeeze it softly. Kat enjoyed it and let her head fall back against the door.

Connor took the chance and bit into her neck with the right amount of pressure to make her moan again.

"Connor…", she whispered raspy with closed eyes.

"Yes? What can I do for you?", he asked but his voice was filled with dominance.

"I- I need you…", she breathed low and Connor released her hands. Kat took the opportunity and dug her fingers into his soft hair. She looked into his eyes. A cheeky smirk played on his lips. Before Kat could say anything, Connor grabbed her ass, raised her up and brought her over to the sink to place her there on top. Kat snaked her legs around his waist, grabbed his tie and pulled him down to kiss him passionately. Both his hands worked his way up and down her body while Kat rolled her hips against him to increase the friction.

Connor dug his fingers into Kat's long, braided hair and pulled her head back to get a good spot on her neck. He kneaded her breast and played with her hardened nipple through the fabric which caused her to moan his name once again. He kissed up and down her neck before he bit down.

"Uh… not that strong…", Kat cried out but her voice was filled with pure lust.

"I just want to make sure that you know that you're mine. And only mine.", Connor whispered husky against her skin.

"I.. I'm just yours, Connor.", Kat admitted raspy.

"Well, that didn't sound very convincing.", Connor said and stepped back from Kat who was already a mess. Her hair was tousled, her lips were swollen and her clothes askew.

As she saw Connor stepping away from her, she was shocked. Kat jumped from the sink and stepped forward to reach him but Connor stepped back until she stopped.

"Turn around.", Connor commanded low. His eyes held an arrogant expression.

"W-what?", Kat asked, confused. She was overwhelmed by the situation. By his dominant way and his strong voice.

"I said, turn around!", he said, more demanding than before.

Kat followed his instructions. She turned around and stood in front of the mirror. She looked at herself and untied her hair because the braided tail was already disheveled. Connor closed up to her from behind. And Kat watched him through the mirror coming closer.

"Look at me!", Connor said deeply into Kat's left ear. Just his voice shot goosebumps down her spine and she shuddered, already filled with lust. Connor towered behind her and stroked over her hips to the button of her jeans to open it. He opened the zipper slowly to slip his right hand inside.

Kat's knees started to wobble as she felt Connor's hand slowly moving forward down her slip. As he touched it, Kat felt how soaked the fabric already was.

"Oh, you're really in this mood, aren't you, baby girl?", Connor whispered.

Kat nodded while she bit down on her lower lip. She squirmed against his chest the longer he teased her over the fabric. As Kat started to roll with her hips to grind her ass against him, Connor moved his hand underneath the fabric of the soaked slip. Kat cried out with relish as she felt Connor's fingers sliding between her folds. He stopped his moves and placed his other hand over her mouth.

"You have to be more quiet or someone will hear us. If you're too loud I fear I have to stop. Got it?", Connor asked and removed his hand slowly to move it down to her neck. His long fingers were laying softly around her throat. "Say it!", he demanded with his lips sliding on the outer rim of Kat's ear.

"I have to be more quiet. Please, continue…", Kat begged desperately what caused Connor to grin.

He waited a few more seconds and concentrated on Kat's rapid heartbeat and her erratic pulse caused by him. Her chest was moving uneven and she was shuddering against him. Very slowly, Connor slipped two of his fingers back into her. Kat's hot core was dripping wet and his fingers were covered in seconds. "You feel that?", Connor whispered as he pushed his fingers a bit deeper inside her.

"Y-yes…", Kat nodded and whimpered low to stay quiet.

Connor looked Kat in the eyes through the mirror. "That's me inside of you, Kat.", he said smirking and pushed deeper. "I know how much you love my hands on your body.", he said low and moved his left hand to her breast to knead it slowly. "And my fingers inside of you like this.", he continued and pumped into her again.

Each time he did that, Kat shuddered more and more. She felt her core tightening.

Connor noticed that she was close, so he removed his hand a bit to extend the moment. "Kat", Connor said to get her attention, "Tell me you're mine.", he demanded, breathing against her ear. She looked him straight in the brown eyes which were sparkling darkly.

"I-I'm yours…", Kat whispered low between two heavy breaths.

"I can't hear you. What did you say, baby girl?", Connor asked innocently. But his dark voice compared with the nickname gave her goosebumps again.

"I'm just yours, Connor.", Kat said more clearly.

"Exactly, you are just mine! No one else is allowed to touch you! Got it?", Connor said as a statement and Kat had to obey.

"I said: got it?", Connor asked again, smirking and slipped his hand back down her slip.

"Yes…", Kat breathed husky as she felt Connor's long, slender fingers deep inside of her.

"Repeat it! I want to hear it from your sweet lips.", Connor commanded and pumped rhythmically into her in the way Kat liked the most.

"I-I'm just yours. No one else is allowed to touch me…", Kat repeated breathless.

"Good, baby girl. Now, would you like me to finish you?", he whispered raspy into her ear. He looked Kat straight into her lust filled eyes with a devilish smirk.

"Yes, please. I- I can't take it anymore.", she begged and watched the lopsided smirk growing bigger on his lips.

Connor adjusted the position of his hand and rubbed along her clit while his fingers were pumping steadily into her.

Kat's breath fastened, she closed her eyes while she leant her head back against his chest.

"Fuck damnit, Connor...", Kat moaned raspy as he pumped to her climax.

"Kiss me!", Connor demanded.

Kat's mind was spinning but she managed to turn her head to the right.

Connor crashed his lips on hers in the same moment Kat cried out because of the orgasm washing over her. He continued his moves to intensify the feeling for her even more.

As she stopped being too loud, he left her lips and watched her amazed how she enjoyed her satisfaction with closed eyes.

Kat was still jerking as he removed his hand from her slowly. She leant against the sink to catch her breath. As she was slowly recovering, her heartbeat slowed down and she straightened herself to smooth her clothes.

"Was it good?", Connor asked and smirked as he watched Kat coming clear.

"You have outdone yourself, babe.", Kat said smiling but still a bit breathless. She walked over to her boyfriend and kissed him lovely while she flung her arms around his neck.

"I had no idea you could be like that."

"Yeah...but if I shall be honest, I would like to keep that in the interrogation room.", Connor admitted.

"Well...but from time to time…", Kat said with a wink and let the sentence unspoken.

Connor chuckled, cupped her chin to raise it so he could meet her lips for another sweet and caring kiss.

"I will see you at home?", Connor asked low. Kat looked into his soft brown eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm already looking forward to it.", Kat answered and checked her appearance in the mirror. She smoothed her hair one last time before she went to the door to step out. "Watch it, dipshit!", Kat snapped as she left the bathroom. She pushed Gavin aside who looked confused at her as he was about to enter the restroom.

"Wrong restroom, you idiot!", Gavin called out and shook his head. Kat's only response to him was showing her middle finger while she went into the kitchen for a coffee. Gavin was about to open the door to the restroom once again as the next person stepped out and almost crashed into him.

"Watch i-", Gavin started but stopped as he noticed Connor in front of him who fixed the knot of his tie while he walked through the door.

"Detective Reed.", Connor said politely with a nod and passed a speechless looking Gavin to go back to his desk.

"But- what the hell.", he muttered, confused before he entered the restroom finally.

[delaber]

Can’t Have Your Cake and Another Cake Too

Rafael Casal x Reader

Note: Okay, I’ll stop breaking Rafa’s heart now... Last time, I swear! Thanks for the prompts to these lovely anons. Alhough this is not a prequel to Poetic Justice (Rafa x ER Nurse), poor Rafa’s facing some of the same issues. I very loosely based this story on J. Cole’s Kevin’s Heart (don��t know why I’m always incorporating J. Cole into my fics, but apparently he’s always lurking in the back of my mind) and Phlake’s So Faded. Let me know what you think!

Words: 4.7K

Warnings: Cocaine addiction! Does not have a happy ending (nobody ODs and nobody’s dying ...Only on the inside lol)

Tagging: No one! This might not be for everybody and I don’t want anybody to feel forced to read it 😌

It was supposed to be a great night out. The entire gang was there, and at the instigation of Diggs, Rafa was supposed to be on the prowl to get laid so he could take his mind off of his broken heart.

From his seat in the booth, Rafa had a fairly good view of the dance floor and he had already spotted a few honeys who likewise had acknowledged him by smiling and sending him a couple of long looks. One of them had even twirled her hair between her fingers while blowing him a kiss. He had the green light, all systems were go!

However, of all the things that could've thrown him off his game, Rafa would not have placed a single bet on a phone call. But the minute he pulled out his vibrating phone and checked the caller ID, both the group of honeys on the dance floor and his friends occupying the seats all around him were completely forgotten. Nothing else mattered anymore.

He stared at the screen for a while, reading the name over and over again. What the fuck was Morris calling him for? Rafa had told him to stop. Morris knew he was too weak to say no even though he had promised his girl that he'd stop for good.

...Or, you weren't his girl. Not anymore.

But Rafa was still determined to win you back no matter if you had stopped answering his phone calls or not, so he took a tough decision and pressed the decline button beneath Morris' name. He even contemplated putting his phone on flight-mode to remove all unwelcome temptations - he knew you'd never take him back if he fell back in - yet, for some reason taking himself off the grid was easier said than done, and before he had pulled himself together to actually press the little airplane button, a text from Morris had ticked in. It only consisted of two words but Rafa understood perfectly.

'New candy.'

Fuck... Rafa considered the pros and cons of accepting for a few milliseconds before he came to his senses. No, no, no. The only way he'd ever win you back would be by showing you that he could stay sober even after your break-up. Morris could fuck off! As if awaking from a trance, Rafa hurriedly put his phone back in his pocket and desperately tried to forget about Morris' enticing offer by telling himself that he was strong enough to shake it.

...although deep down, he was aware that it was already too late. That no matter what, he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it now. And no matter how hard he tried to re-focus on the honeys on the dance floor and tell himself how stupid it was to hit Morris up, it was no use, the damage was done; he was desperate to get high!

Deeply, horribly ashamed of himself, Rafa texted Morris the address of the club and impatiently waited a couple of minutes before he walked outside with heavy footsteps. It felt as if he was walking to the gallows, the shame eating him up from the inside. You'd be so disappointed in him!

However, in order to make himself accept what he was about to do, he reminded himself that apparently, you didn't care if he was high or not. If you did, you would've returned his phone calls, and you would've reacted to the fact that he had been sober for three weeks now - but you hadn't. And with that in mind, Rafa managed to push away most of the shame as he laid eyes on Morris' sketchy Subaru parked by the curb on the other side of the road. He walked across the street with determined footsteps, carefully looking over his shoulder to check if anybody he knew were watching him approach what was clearly a dealer's car.

"What's up, bruh!" Morris called as he rolled down his window. He was wearing sunglasses, looking like an absolute turd in the dark night.

Rafa put his arms on the car's beltline and shot Morris a bro handshake through the open window, "what the fuck are you wearing sunglasses at night for? You look like a dick."

"Nah, man, it looks cool," Morris laughed, "do you like them? Hell, you should like them - you paid for them."

"What do you mean I paid for them?"

"With the amount of money you spend in my shop, I think it's safe to assume that you paid for these sunglasses and the rims on the ride too," Morris snorted.

"Yeah, about that," Rafa looked away, the embarrassment slowly creeping up his spine again, "you gotta stop calling me."

"You said that last time as well but look at you now," Morris laughed.

"Come on man, it's important that I stop."

"You don't wanna stop though."

Rafa let out a sigh, "look, I'm trying to prove something to my girlf- ...ex-girlfriend."

"A'ight, I respect that," Morris nodded slowly but then he quickly continued, "so did you just call me here to pin your lady troubles on me? Cause I have a customer waiting up on Seventh Ave."

Rafa blew out some air, embarrassed by the decision he was about to make.

"...Or do you wanna buy?" Morris continued as he read Rafa's body language.

"...you're not gonna tell Diggs are you?"

"Do I look like a fucking snitch?" Morris looked offended, "and you know me and Diggs don't talk no more."

"Yeah, alright. This stays between us, okay? If word gets out, I'm fucked."

"A'ight bruh," Morris laughed, "Now, how much do you need?"

"Just... just give me an eightball," Rafa mumbled.

Morris let out a small laugh, "an eightball? Man, you're not about to quit," he chuckled and handed Rafa a zip-lock bag with white powder in it.

"Shut up," Rafa mumbled and pocketed the baggie, "how much?"

"Rafa, you're my man, so I'mma give you a discount because I feel bad for you and your girl. Three hundo."

"Three hundred?! Last time it was two-eighty without the discount."

"Times are changing. I haven't seen you in three weeks, man. Plus, this is a good batch," Morris poked Rafa in the chest, "my contact got it shipped in directly from Medellín. Look, it got fish scale and everything!"

"You better not fuck me over," Rafa muttered and threw Morris three hundred-dollar bills before he turned away from him with an annoyed huff.

"Pleasure doing business as always, Casal! See you next weekend!" Morris yelled after Rafa with a small laugh, apparently not a care in the world for who knew about their illegal transaction.

"Fucking idiot," Rafa muttered to himself without turning around. He had more important things to do than to scold Morris about his indiscretion.

Rafa hurried to the restroom and carefully locked the door behind him before he frantically pulled out the zip-lock bag. He examined its contents and saw the pearl-like surface that Morris had talked about - Fuck it looked good! He opened the bag carefully but froze when he caught his own reflection in the bathroom mirror; the loving look he was sending the bag of coke was sickening. It made his stomach plummet. Had he really been reduced to snorting coke alone in a dirty bathroom of a sketchy club? He remembered when it had been a group activity. Before he couldn't control it.

Shake it off! He told himself. He had every intention of stopping after tonight. This would be the last time.

You said that last time as well, a small voice rang in the back of his head, but he ignored his guilty conscience and instead poured out a small pile of the pearl-like coke on top of the hand dryer. Quickly, he pulled out a random card from his wallet and used it to form two heavy lines. Before his guilty conscience could interfere again, he also grabbed a one-dollar bill that he neatly rolled into a small tube and put between his right nostril and one of the white lines, ready for the rush. His gaze, however, lingered on the random card he had used to break the coke into lines; it was his fucking rewards card for the small organic, artisan shit coffee house that you liked. What wouldn't you say if you knew what he was doing? In his mind's eye, he could see the disappointed look you always sent him whenever he'd come home all hyped up, rambling his mouth off. You never got angry with him and his love of coke, but somehow your disappointed demeanour was way worse. He would've taken screaming and yelling over the disappointed stare and the slow shake of your head any day.

Slowly, he removed the dollar-bill from his nostril, stood up straight and met his own eyes in the mirror again - and for a moment, he could truly see how pathetic he was. What the hell was he doing? He was throwing away his last shot at getting you back - and for what? A few hours of euphoria and confidence?

But she doesn't want you back, a small voice rang inside his head, you called, and you called, and you called. You declared yourself clean to her voicemail and she still didn't reach out. Fuck her!

"Yeah, fuck her," Rafa mumbled before he put the dollar-bill back to his nostril. Quickly, he snorted both lines of coke, shooting his head back afterwards, sniffling a bit as he cleaned his nose with the back of his hand. He knew he only had a couple of minutes before the euphoria kicked in, so he quickly brushed off the dollar-bill and the rewards card and tugged them both back in his wallet. The remainder of the coke was stowed away in his shirt's breast pocket for safe keeping.

Ready for the rush, Rafa was impatiently staring at himself in the mirror. He was thinking about how to avoid Diggs and his condescending looks for the duration of his high, when he was finally overwhelmed by the familiar fuzzy feeling. It came out of nowhere and started behind his eyeballs and continued all the way down to his toenails. It felt as if someone had pulled a large, fluffy blanket down over him, and it was slowly heating up his body, making him feel safe and secure. His pulse quickened in time with his breathing, and he had to close his eyes to get himself under control. He felt fucking powerful! Morris had not lied about this coming from a good batch. "Shit, Morris," he laughed.

There was a knock on the door, and Rafa remembered that he had occupied the men's room for a good five minutes now. He took a last look at his suddenly hazed eyes, aware that no matter how hard he tried to hide it, anyone could see that he was high as a kite. He contemplated riding out his high alone in the bathroom but also knew that with the amount of energy present in his body, he couldn't stay in the small restroom all night. He had to dance! To fuck! To fight!

With a suddenly confident bounce in his step, he opened the door, and sent the guy in line what he hoped was an apologetic nod before he confidently strode towards the honeys on the dance floor.

"Hey Rafa!" he heard someone yell behind him.

Hoping it was someone who wanted to fight, Rafa quickly turned around but was slightly disappointed to see Diggs coming towards him with a huge grin on his face. Shit! Rafa realised that he had to act nonchalant around his best friend. Diggs absolutely couldn't know about the coke in his breast pocket, or he'd be all up in Rafa's face about it.

"Diiiiiggs! My man!" Rafa yelled overly excited, clearly very, very high.

Diggs shot him a look at his weird behaviour before he continued, "where've you been, man? I've been looking for you everywhere."

"R-r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrrrestroom," Rafa laughed, he was too happy to pretend otherwise.

"Why are you saying it like th-" the huge grin was slowly slipping from Diggs' face, "...hey, Rafa - look at me," Diggs suddenly sounded all serious as he took Rafa's face in his hands, carefully examining his features, "Rafa, look at me."

Rafa let out a low chuckle, "Diggs, you know I think you're handsome and all that, but I don't like you that way," he joked.

"You're being weird," Diggs furrowed his eyebrows, "- and your pupils are huge. Have you been doing lines in the bathroom?"

"Maybe," Rafa laughed, unable to stop himself from revealing his dirty little secret, "why? You want some? I still have a few hits left," he padded his breast pocket.

"You know I don't do that shit anymore..." Diggs let go of Rafa with a sigh and looked away from him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you're a fucking saint now," Rafa said a bit more harshly than he had intended to. Ever since Diggs had met Emmy, he had been boring as hell.

Diggs chose not to comment on Rafa's low blow, and managed to keep his calm, "I thought you'd stopped, bruh."

"Morris made me an offer I couldn't refuse," Rafa laughed in an accent halfway between Tony Montana and Vito Corleone.

"Yeah well, I'm not the only one who thought you were done fucking around," Diggs said seriously. He was having none of Rafa's jokes, "I just saw your girl downstairs. She wants to talk to you."

It took a few seconds before Rafa understood, but when he finally grasped Diggs' words, he felt the blood drain from his face and his mouth run dry, "what? No, you're kidding me..."

"Nope," Diggs sighed, "I've been running around trying to find you for fifteen minutes..."

"Shit! What the fuck do I do?" Rafa said in a panicked voice, licking his lips frantically, "I told her I was sober! If she sees me like this, she'll never take me back."

"Yeah, well you better pray that you don't run into her."

Rafa ran his hand through his hair, "fuck I'm screwed. She's downstairs?"

"Was fifteen minutes ago."

"Alright, I'm jumping out this window. You stall her, tell her that I got sick or something."

"You can't jump out this window?" Diggs said incredulously, "we're 50 feet up, if you do that, you die! Just walk out the doo- ...oh shit, dude, we're blown. She's here. She's coming over."

"Fuck! Can I still bolt?"

"Of course not!"

"Well how do I look? Alright?"

"You look-" Diggs cut himself off, "...maybe just try and avoid her looking into your eyes, okay?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"

"The light in here's paying you a favour but apart from that you're gonna have to pull yourself together. You brought this upon yourself," Diggs said harshly before his demeanour changed completely as his eyes interlocked with yours over Rafa's shoulder, "heeeeey," he smiled broadly, "look who I found."

Rafa slowly turned around and met you. Your stunning beauty - as always - immediately knocking him to the ground. He couldn't believe that it had been four weeks since the last time he'd seen you. He'd do anything to get you back!

"Rafa," you nodded formally with a stiff face. Rafa couldn't help but make a mental note on how weird it was to see you without a smile on your lips. You were normally always so happy. He had done this, he reminded himself.

"Hey baby," he whispered, the words weirdly familiar in his throat.

You briefly raised your eyebrows while looking away from him, clearly uncomfortable by the sound of your old pet name.

"Sorry," he continued, "force of habit. ...I'm just happy to see you."

Your gaze slowly found his face, and Rafa prayed that you couldn't see his coke-eyes from where you were standing.

"Well..." you said and clicked your tongue, "I'd like to talk to you."

"I'd like to talk to you too," Rafa said quietly.

"And you're sober? Like you said on my voicemail?"

"Yes," Rafa breathed, "completely sober," he lied thickly, hyper-aware of how awkward it was with Diggs shuffling nervously beside him. He was uncomfortably rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"Good," you finally let out a small smile, "do you want to sit down?"

"Yeah," Rafa nodded.

"Yeah, I'll - uh - I'll leave you to it," Diggs cleared his throat and padded Rafa between the shoulder blades as a way of wishing him good luck.

"Thanks man," Rafa muttered before he followed you down to a vacant booth in the corner of the room. Instead of sitting down opposite you, he made sure to occupy the seat next to you, hoping that it would minimise the risk of you looking into his eyes. He just had to pretend that he was sober until the high quieted down. Fourty-five more minutes - Less if he was lucky.

"So, how've you been?" You said quietly as you were both overlooking the dance floor, avoiding looking directly at each other.

"Not good," Rafa said quietly, "like shit, actually... how about you?"

"Yeah, well I guess 'shit' sums it up neatly... How's sober life?"

"Oh, it's - yeah - it's - it's great!" He said, the lie thick in his throat, "I feel so much better now." He knew how much he had hurt you, and he knew how difficult it must be for you to face him after you'd said that you never wanted to see him again - which just really only made his lying so much worse. Fuck, how he hated himself for what he had done. What he was still doing.

Your eyes darted across his face before your gaze settled on a spot just below his chin. He was relieved that you weren't staring him square in the eyes. "I was so happy to hear your voicemail," you whispered, "you really flushed your stash?"

"Yes," he croaked.

"I'm glad that you're finally taking care of yourself," he couldn't make out your face in the dark but he could hear a hint of happiness to your voice that you were clearly trying to suppress. It made him feel horrible.

"Yeah, I want to stay sober for you," he said slowly. At least that wasn't a lie.

"You have no idea how happy that makes me," you said quietly, the happiness definitely shining through now.

Rafa's heart was fluttering in his chest, and he felt the coke-induced euphoria run amok in his brain, "...does that mean you'll forgive me?" All his senses were heightened.

"It's a step in the right direction" you said quietly, still not looking directly at him, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too baby," Rafa said quietly and boldly took your hand in his.

Finally, you looked up at him, and to avoid you noticing his bloodshot eyes with the dilated pupils, he took a quick decision, leaned in and crashed his lips against yours.

Luckily, you mistook his desperation for passion and fiercely kissed him back, your hand releasing itself from his, and instead caressing his neck. In-between kisses you managed to mumble, "I'm still... mad... at you."

"I know," Rafa mumbled, enjoying the familiar feeling of your lips against his. Your hands switched to caressing his torso, and your small fingers travelled over his stomach and up his chest, coming to a halt over his heart. It was racing against his ribcage and he had no idea whether it was due to the coke or due to the heap of emotions he felt in his chest. He couldn't believe he was kissing you again. He had completely written it off no more than half an hour ago.

Your right hand moved away from his heart but came to a sudden halt when you felt a small bump in Rafa's breast pocket. Still kissing him, you ran your fingers over the bump a few times before you remembered that it was where he always kept his coke. Quickly, you pulled your lips away from his.

"Wait, no, don't take kissing away from me," he hummed, completely unaware of the discovery you'd just done.

You were looking at his euphoric face with the closed eyes and the swollen lips as you moved your hand over his breast pocket once more.

When Rafa realised what was going on his eyes flew open and he spluttered, "it isn't what you think!"

But he was too slow to react, and before he had had the chance to move away, your fingers went inside his breast pocket and grabbed the small bag from there. "You've got to be kidding me!" You said angrily as you held his coke between your fingertips.

"Baby, I can explain," Rafa said quickly while desperately grabbing your wrist.

"Rafa, you fucking idiot! Don't touch me!" You wrestled yourself out of his grip, got up from your seat, and fast-paced towards the door.

"Baby! Baby!" Rafa yelled out as he ran after you.

"Don't touch me!" You cried, attracting the attention of everyone in your path.

You stormed out the door, Rafa at your heel desperately clinging to every inch of you that he could reach. When you reached the curb outside, he finally managed to run up in front of you, stopping you in your tracks, "baby, I can explain!" He said desperately.

"You said you'd flushed it all!" You were screaming at him now, the tears running down your face.

"It was a mistake, baby, I swear I didn't mean to. I flushed it all, I promise. It's just a setback."

"When did you buy this, Rafa?" You said through gritted teeth, "how long did you manage to stay sober before you decided you wanted to throw it all away?"

Rafa looked away from you, he was so embarrassed by himself, "Morris called and I tried to say no, I really did! Baby, I tried so hard to resist it. But he was persistent."

"Well, did he force you to buy?" You hissed. You were having none of his excuses.

"...No." Rafa admitted.

"When did you buy it?" You emphasised every word, "before or after you called me last weekend?"

"After..."

"When? How long after? When did you have your setback?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! I need to know if you did it because you were physically craving it, because you just felt like getting high, or if you did it because you’d thrown the thought of us away when I didn’t answer you.”

"I tried to fight it, I swear I tried to fight it," he was getting choked up.

"Rafa, tell me when you bought it."

He considered shooting you a lie but he didn't want to fuck up any more. "I bought it tonight..." he finally muttered under his breath, avoiding your gaze.

"You're not serious!! You bought it tonight?" You bellowed, "are you trying to tell me that you planned on throwing away your soberness tonight? That if I hadn't shown up, you'd be high as balls right now?"

Rafa didn't say anything, he just looked at you with huge eyes, the embarrassment evident on his face - and first then did you notice his blood-shot eyeballs with the abnormally large pupils that had taken over most of the green that was normally present.

"No..." you whispered when you realised, "no, no, no..." you groaned quietly, clutching your chest, "you're high right now?" The heartbreak was evident in your voice.

Rafa sent you a pained look. He fucking hated himself.

"You're high..." You stated in a whisper, the tears were streaming down your face, "you lied."

He had broken your heart. Again.

"I - I didn't mean to," he croaked, "I was just so happy to see you. I knew you wouldn't want to talk to me if I told you the truth."

"So you planned on telling me when?"

"I don't know," he croaked, "I didn't think it through. I've been sober for three weeks. Tonight's just a small setback. Baby, I swear, I'll block Morris and I'll flush this baggie right now if I can just get you back," Rafa was begging, “I’ll stop if you tell me to!”

"Rafa, how many times do I have to tell you," you cried, "You have to stop because you want to. Not because I tell you to stop! I don't care about the snorting! I don't care that you party and get high! You've done lines of my tits several times for God's sake! But I can't live with the constant lying that has become part of it!"

Fuck, Rafa knew what you were building to. His life's biggest mistake. He had it coming, he knew it. He deserved it. He was a fucking cheating coke-head and he hated it. "Please don't bring it up," he sobbed.

You didn't listen to him. You had to confront him with it because he clearly hadn't understood. "Rafa, you fucked another girl! And you were so high that you didn't even realise it! And when you woke up the next day and saw what you'd done, you lied about your whereabouts and the fact that you'd been high as fuck! I had to learn about it through her!" You were sobbing, "...and instead of staying home and comforting me, you lied about having to go to the studio, and you met up with Morris and you got high! Again! If knowing that you're breaking my heart with your constant lies doesn't make you want to quit, I'm not sure what will."

"I want to stop!" he sobbed. He had never felt so horrible before, "I love you, I want to be with you," he sniffled and took your hand, "please give me another chance! I'll stop snorting. I'll stop lying. I'll do anything for you."

It looked as if you were contemplating his words but the look in your eyes darkened suddenly and you let out a whisper, "no Rafa!" as you pulled your hand away from his.

"Baby, please!" He pleaded desperately, "I love you."

"You love coke more," you whispered.

"I have a problem," Rafa tried desperately, "I know. I can't stop. But I'll get help. I'll do whatever you want me to do!"

"Rafa, if you stop snorting because I tell you to stop, it will never last! You love getting high!"

"That's not true... it's pathetic," he cried.

"Rafa, honey,” you said quietly, “- ask yourself this; would you be throwing away this baggie and deleting Morris' number if I wasn't leaving you because of it?"

"Yes," he croaked immediately.

You took a deep breath of air, hurt written all over your face, "Love," you sighed desperately as a fresh wave of tears started streaming down your face, "you're lying again..." you sobbed, and put the baggie in the palm of his hand and folded his fingers around it.

"I'm flushing it," he croaked.

"Do whatever you want," you whispered and looked him in the eye, "We're not together anymore. I'm done - it's over,” you said as you slowly turned around and started walking away from him.

“No, no, no! Please come back!”

“No Rafa… This time I'm serious,” you said before you started walking again.

This time, Rafa didn't run after you. He just watched you walk further and further away from him as your hands dried the tears off of your face every two seconds. He imagined you stopping, imagined the hurt look you'd send him. How he'd run over to you and take you in his arms. Imagined how he'd apologise and you'd both hug and cry and kiss it out. But you didn't stop. You didn't send him any look at all. And he didn’t run to you, he was glued to the pavement.

He stood as if frozen in time and looked after you even long after you'd disappeared around the corner. Suddenly, however, he noticed that he was still clutching the baggie in his closed fist. Slowly, he opened the palm to reveal the beautiful mother-of-pearl-coloured powder. He contemplated dropping it down the gutter next to him. It would all be so easy.

But instead, he closed his fingers around it and pocketed it right above his broken heart. It would help relieve the terrible thunder that he felt rolling over him. It brought along a storm of emotions. A hurricane of regrets. And he was desperate to get high.

[goldlightsaber]

No Country for Old Men

No Country for Old Men doesn't really need my praise, given that it won the Academy Award for Best Picture and Best Supporting Actor and several other awards. But I'm here to give it anyway! It is truly a work of art. Over a decade old and it has stood the test of time as a gripping thriller. Warning: this review is a bit all over the place, but I covered the bits I liked best!

The Big Bad

Javier Bardem. Where do I begin with him? I could watch this man clean up gunshot wounds in a cheap motel room for hours. It was so fascinating to see him work -- even if a lot of that work was brutal, cold-blooded, psychopathic murder. Watching him was like watching a true crime documentary. He felt real and chilled me to the core.

I commend the script for all its cleverness, but especially the intentionality behind Anton Chigurh's dialogue. I have never seen more unusual, rhythmic dialogue. What stuck in my head was his relentless way of asking questions. "Where does he work?" he asks the trailer park management lady. She tells him she can't tell him. Again, he asks, "Where does he work?" She tells him again, more firmly, that she can't reveal the information. In the same monotone, he asks for a third time, "Where does he work?" He puts on no charm. He does not bribe or threaten. He asks questions straight. He disguises himself as --but does not claim to be-- something he's not. He pretends to be a cop; a man stranded on the road; a hotel guess. People believe what he only appears to be. They make something of him, something recognizable, so that they know how to interact with him. Except slowly, through dialogue, he reveals to them his true, sadistic nature. And no one wants to believe it. Often the people he speaks with are dumbfounded, stammering out "Sir?" and "I don't understand." It doesn't dawn on them until its too late that he is someone they should run from. It's ironic, really. The goodwill and trust of other people is his bread and butter -- it's what allows him to extract information without force (at least at first) and to obtain all the resources he needs. There's a Southern hospitality theme that runs throughout. Many of the Texans he runs into offer him help -- little do they know that, with Anton Chigurh, it will likely cost them their lives. Everyone is a means to an end unless they are the end -- the person he means to kill.

Don't even get me started on his weapon of choice. It looks like he's carrying around an oxygen tank. It even gives him a misleading look of frailty -- like he might be using it to survive despite it not being attached to his person. If he was carrying around a gun, people might run in the other direction. But, seeing a captive bolt stunner, people are often just confused (I had to look up what it was called) -- and that's part of his genius too.

Yet he's tone deaf. He is easily irritated by small talk, seeming not to understand its point (award for most extreme introvert like, ever?). He nearly killed a gas station worker seemingly because of the small talk. A hint at his disturbed, unusual mind. As I mentioned earlier, he always cuts to the chase -- no fluff. He will get what he needs now, or else. Unless you're lucky and the coin toss flips in your favor. Or there are too many witnesses nearby. But rest assured -- there is no escaping this man. As Woody Harrelson's character, Wills, asks Llewelyn: "You've seen him, and you're not dead?"

Subverting Expectations

With a crime movie, you hope the good guy lives and the cops catch the killers, or that at least one of the two things happen. Nope! Not that simple with a Coen brothers film. Llewelyn is a law-breaking and a "street smart" guy but has a golden heart. He's empathetic (like when the "agua" man hung over his conscience) and only shoots people when he needs to -- Anton Chigurh is his foil, in that sense. Even though his resourcefulness and quick thinking gets him out of trouble for the majority of the film, he is suddenly killed by the Mexican cartel. We don't see it happen, we only see the drug dealers fleeing the scene and the aftermath. It comes minutes after a flirty motel patron tells Llewelyn that, whatever is coming, Llewelyn will never see it coming. And he doesn't. And neither does the audience, for that matter. With Llewelyn seemingly gearing up to fight Chigurh, I expected the two of them to have a showdown over the money. Llewelyn's death was sudden and abrupt. He didn't go out with guns blazing. He didn't get to showcase his strength. For all the times he has healed from injuries, Llewelyn--likable, honorable--still dies.

The sheriff retires -- he doesn't manage to track down Chigurh or anyone else for that matter. To him, Chigurh is a "ghost." The sheriff, at the end of the movie, describes himself as "ummatched," and that is underwhelming too. You fully expect -- or I did, based on previous crime thriller movies-- for some sort of justice to be served, for someone to be caught and locked away, but Chigurh is alive and free at the end of the movie and so are all the anonymous players of the drug cartels working these deals. There was no justice. Not for Llewelyn, not for his wife, not for all the collateral damage.

A Brilliant Script

Speaking of Llewelyn's wife! I loved her last show of defiance in the face of Chigurh. She was shocked but not surprised. Surely, his appearance scared her, but she knew death was coming for her -- and she didn't give Chigurh the liberty of making her death her responsibility. He was fully accountable -- and she made that clear. Was it a foolish choice? I don't know. It did leave me thinking for a while -- what would I do in the situation? The coin toss is the greatest mercy Chigurh is capable of bestowing on anyone. He is a Harvey Dent without a grudge. She chooses not to participate in the game and he kills her. I asked myself: were I in that situation, would I have chosen not to play? There were two options: she plays and has a 50% chance of living. She doesn't play, and she will, for certain, die. She chooses the latter. Is that bravery? I think so. It's certainly strength of character. She is principled in a wholly other way than Chigurh. I feel that I would have wanted to "call it" -- give myself a chance at living. But even that phrasing is misleading. No matter the "choice," Chigurh is the real judge, jury and executioner. And he chooses to kill. Always.

When he exits Carla Jean's house, I found myself wondering what had happened. In the first few seconds of the scene, it isn't yet clear whether he killed her. What follows is one of the more brilliant, subtle moments of the film: Chigurh checks the bottoms of his shoes. We know from an earlier scene that he takes care to keep them clean from the carnage of his crimes, and so, we also know he was checking to see if Carla Jean's blood had spilt on them. He murdered her.

The Ending

I have not yet uncovered the symbolic significance of the car crash, but I can try to take a guess. The car crash brutally injures Chigurh, breaking his arm and God knows what else. It is a random accident, not someone intentionally trying to kill him. Two boys who were riding their bikes behind him approaching Chigurh, who is sitting on the sidewalk, seriously injured. The boys offer him help only out of goodwill. But then he offers them money for one of their shirts, which they initially reject until he insists they take it. Is the symbolism in that? Of yet-uncorrupted youth starkly contrasted with his total evil? In offering them a large sum of money, is he corrupting them to think of life transactionally? As he walks away, the boys argue about splitting the money and he is no longer their concern -- greed is on their mind but only because he brought up money in the first place. (I feel like I cheated on this one because I read somewhere how the movie is about the rising forces of evil in the world that are hard to defeat -- hence the sheriff is unable to defeat them). Will this start them down the path of chasing money and power? Who knows. Maybe.

Overall: a movie I couldn't look away from except to run to the bathroom. I could watch hours of Javier Bardem in this role just sitting. Or eating. But preferably treating his own wounds.

Watch if: you're a fan of Ozark (TV show); or Fargo (movie or TV show).