#so so scared. feeling stupid etc etc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yousaytomato · 2 years

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Feeling big - I need to leave this place, start walking and never look back - thoughts tonight

#the process is goes: i want to kms #actually. i don't. that's stupid. if i really feel like that i should just #leave/change everything. because what's there to lose #ahh i should move out!!#but if i move out. it makes more sense to move somewhere different!!#but.... scary....#anyway I'm not actually sui/cidal dw #I'm just having a time rn I'm not sure why #it just feels like nothing is going my way #so much to do and no energy #so so scared. feeling stupid etc etc #feeling worse than i have for a while #woes of emily #sorry for all the pity posts like this but i can't seem to stop

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statementlou · 3 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/louisupdates/754934426217152513/goodbye-faith-in-the-future-world-tour-272024?source=share

did he or did he not lose fans then?

I will answer this because this anon actually brings a concrete question to the table rather than just "hurhur but you're a larrie??" (tell me you can't actually refute any of our points…). Anyway this post shows the decrease in Louis instagram followers between the screenshots taken directly after the release of Faith in the Future in Nov '22, when he changed his bio to promote that album and the tour tickets, and now, when he changed it again to mention the current release. But I'm putting that response under a cut because I'm tired of the actual POINT of all this nonsense getting lost in a sea of made up things people insist are important:

There is no rational argument you can make to say that Louis has less fans now than he did 2, 4, or 6 years ago. You don't need a spreadsheet of details you need to USE YOUR EYES! He has gone from filling theaters to filling arenas and stadiums. His second album made a higher chart position than his first album. His festival has doubled in size EVERY year of its existence. And for that matter: his insta post engagement numbers remain about the same (despite the fact that older posts should have way MORE likes due to having been there longer, even aside from follower counts.) SO WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT HIS INSTA FOLLOWER NUMBER???? Serious question: what does the word "fans" mean if these things aren't what matters? ALL of this quibbling about what he should do to make things better and people can't even see that THINGS AREN'T BAD.

Anyway to address the specific question- (con't......)

NO- HE DID NOT LOSE FANS. HE LOST SOME INSTA FOLLOWERS. THESE ARE NOT THE SAME THING. As I said above, literally what does it mean to lose fans if that number change coincides with him having higher sales, more audience members, and higher engagement than ever before? Whatever he lost ISN'T FANS. I wouldn't be surprised if a significant factor was something like a bot purge, but also yes: I'm sure a lot of casuals followed him around the time of his big album release and later unfollowed him. That's extremely normal because that's how casual engagement works, and why the definition of fan really matters. Louis and his team understand this and have referenced it repeatedly, talking about how lucky he is to have *us* specifically, to have the kind of dedicated fanbase he has, to have the KIND of fans he does who will allow him to do what HE wants. @dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram named the issue of depth vs breadth with regard to fans a long time ago, and pointed out why having DEPTH is so much more important. It's like this- artists who are on top 40 radio have more numbers on things like insta follows, and for a time on sales and tickets. But those aren't FANS- they're people with a casual interest. And as soon as that person isn't being forced in their ears 10x a day, those people lose interest and stop supporting them, stop buying stuff and unfollow, and those artists end up doing the 'opener on the jingle ball' circuit rather than their own tours. One Direction as a whole, and Louis maybe most of all or near to at this point, have something MUCH MORE VALUABLE than that- DEPTH FANS. Louis has fans who will support him even if he takes years to release music, or stops parading around with a pretend girlfriend to stay in the headlines at least once a month, or completely changes his image and genre, and that is UNHEARD OF. It's ASTONISHING and worth SO MUCH MORE. And they get that! THAT is why he always bragging about us, why industry people he works with are always so agog about us, why he will do anything for US- not for randos. He is also growing his breadth- and it's OBVIOUSLY WORKING whatever his follower counts are, but that is always going to be secondary to doing things for THE FANDOM because that is his sustainable business model. That is what keeps him onstage and reaching number one. And not coincidentally, the things they do are also working to grow that- much more valuable- commodity. So the fact that that's exactly what these chuckleheads complain about- that he does things that are just fandom facing or serving rather than everything being aimed at recruiting casual fans- does nothing but betray how completely they, unlike Louis and his team, misunderstand the actual drivers of his (actual, existing, happening) success. Luckily for Louis, he and his team rely on their own data harvesting (they do a LOT of it) and growth metrics (they're off the charts) rather than the smug assumptions of random (mostly quite new to this) fans and the few bitter people leading the complaining about everything Louis does.

#louis promo #all this nonsense about this tag or that tag or this or that number is so getting lost in the trees #when the forest is RIGHT HERE: WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WORKING #so for now #I'm pretty done with this discussion unless someone actually engages meaningfully with the content of anything I'm saying #rather than just repeating the same things- but he needs to tag more! or the even more boring-#but you're a larry! if you send me a bitchy response that doesnt actually address any points I've made #I will assume it is because I'm right and you have no rebuttal other than to act like a preschooler because deep down you know it #honestly the discourse around this makes me feel a little sad and scared about the state of literacy and reading comprehension #and just general analytical thinking #but I hope its just that no one over 15 spends their time sending hate anons about fandom #if I'm wrong please come engage in actual conversation! but otherwise... let's just... not #blah blah blah #anyway there's a reason Louis is always so afraid no one will be there for him and that he started out solo era playing those radio fests..#because we are IMPROBABLE we are UNBELIEVABLE we are NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EXPECT OR COUNT ON #and making nurturing and maintaining that his number one priority ALWAYS is extremely correct and smart #actually #I was originally going to be like here are when there were bot purges here are other artists that have seen numbers go down etc #but then I was like WAIT WHO CARES. You're letting these people dictate the conversation... but the premise is stupid #it DOESNT MATTER #depth v breadth

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deoidesign · 4 months

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#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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🕸️

#yeah so the problem is that ... i fuck things up :(((#i know that i mattered to him i felt that he cared and that i was important #like honestly it's one of the few times i've ever felt it #but then comes the fucking bpd and avpd insecurity #like if i just one time perceive that oh im annoying #then i just pull back and think am i crazy why could anyone not think im annoying #even if i got reassurance multiple times i was like still .. it was still so hard for me #and like with everything i write on here it makes it seem like i dont care or dont value etc etc #also like :(( im not too fragile to hear abt problems or troubles. i make it seem like its that way #but i WANT to be here and listen to the person i care for. it's not too much for me and idk with how emotionally intense i am #idk how to show that... and im too scared of expressing positive emotions bc i fear being ridiculed by the universe #and it all gets so wrong bc he never made me feel ashamed or stupid or too much #he made me feel the opposite!!!! it was me who made it seem like i didnt care it was me who pulled back #it's so sad and frustrating bc the entire time i kept thinking to myself dont ruin this dont ruin this #be aware of the avpd symptoms and stop them pls dont ruin this #and i tried but in hindsight and with more context clues from the other perspective..#i realized that what i felt wasnt shown... :(((#so i am upset bc im not 'losing' someone (romantically) who doesnt value or care for me #it's someone who i did matter to who did care for me and want me #who i was too scared too fearful to be brave and show him and let him #god.. i hate myself so much!!!#and i do hate myself bc of this. bc it has happened before #it happened now with the most important person to me #and it will happen again #and idk.. bc my brain is also so stupid bc #NOW i know. now im not scared anymore with that person. but it's too late :c #(like i thought i shouldve given space but then i get anxious and i pull away too much and idk how to find the balance)

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californiaquail · 1 year

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cannot fucking wait to get this new covid vaccine shoot me tf up ‼️‼️

#my friend was complaining about how most meditation retreat centers require you to be vaccinated........#ok first of all why do you think an institution such as a retreat center which focuses on cultivating positive traits such as #caring about how your actions affect other people would want their attendees to be vaccinated. second why are you feeling sorry for yourself #there is a very fucking easy and common sense solution to this problem. its so fucking stupid i am so frustrated #once again i hate to say this but i dont think i would have moved here if i had comprehended the uhh political climate #my fault for not knowing but like sorry for expecting people to have common sense ig #in many other ways they are not conservative/conspiratorial at all but the goddamn vaccine thing is just SO fucking stupid. soooo stupid #and i'm scared of getting covid obviously and i don't even feel safe to wear a mask anymore because i know it would cause dumb drama #i mean i also don't want my friend to get it of course but like if you're going to be an idiot about it then stupid games stupid prizes etc #but goddamn i am so scared of getting long covid and becoming more disabled that's really all this is about. and stupid people annoy me ofc #sorry this post was just an excuse to bitch in the tags i'm very frustrated and have been very frustrated about this since i learned it was #an issue. which was of course after i moved here #god.#me

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michameinmicha · 15 days

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Hate my anxiety stopping me from doing things i need to get done, but the worst part is that it completely paralyzes me so i can't even do anything else instead either, wtf is the point of this feature

#should be applying to jobs but unable to do it for some stupid reason (scared. too many steps. unsure where to start. tired. scared. etc)#could use this time to pack some things i'll take home or nap or jerk off or whatever but noooo #brain has decided we can't do this but also can't NOT do this so here we are completely stuck wasting time and energy on being anxious #and i feel so dumb the way ive been staring at my mails for half an hour trying to unravel the knots in my brain to find where to start #and it doesnt help that my mum tells me to just do it its easy just sit down and do it #maybe its time to give up for today and try again tomorrow? (or is that just me wanting to avoid things? but where does it stop?)#god i hate my brain so much #mine

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landfilloftrash · 1 month

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shoutout to my girl eno’s nightmare bc. Hi! What and/or Who the fuck was that ! its gonna haunt her and i for awhile !

#my art #its a shitpost batman #Pirate Campaign #Enososin Folook #rea rambles in the tags #OK SO LIKE IT KINDA TOLD ME WHAT/WHO IT WAS BUT IT ALSO DIDNT? YKNOW? LIKE—#it started off with normal dream stuff and then devolving into fear/nightmare stuff and ‘wtf is this who are you why are you in my house’#but then the whole argument shifted when the thing posing as Rollo— bc it WAS an outside force— said “i am his rage i am his guilt’’ etc.#and i could FUCKING FEEL ENO IN MY HEAD RELAX SO GODDAMN FAST. STILL ANXIOUS BUT JUST. ‘Oh. Is that all?’#‘Well what i’m about to do is still incredibly stupid but i feel much better about how it will go now’#AND IT WORKED. WONDER OF WONDERS. AND THEN FUCKING AFTER THAT WHEN I WAS HUGGING THEM.#the ‘creature’ for lack of better terms EXPLICITLY said “of course you are one who can calm my rage— you who was raised by the one #whom i love the most’’ and HI. HELLO. THERE ARE SEVERAL WAYS I COULD TAKE THIS SENTENCE ENTITY-OF-INDETERMINATE-EVERYTHING.#ROLLO. DAD MAN. BELOVED GOLIATH WHOM I TRUST WITH MY LIFE AND THAT SCARES ME.#I HAVE QUESTIONS. SEVERAL ACTUALLY. WILL WE EVER ASK THEM? PROBABLY NOT!!!!!!!!#BUT IM *SO* CURIOUS. WAIT A MINUTE. WHO *ARE* YOU??????????#final shoutout to the fact that both times I have tried/thought about casting a vaguely aggressive spell. to someone who was #threatening me/eno. it has not *worked!!* and I have had to use my THINK THONKING BRAIN AND DO A STUPID MOVE!!!!!#aka roleplay and use way too much compassion. *I WONDER WHY SHE'S SO INSISTENT THAT IT'LL WORK STRANGE ENTITY I CALMED BY HUGGING*#they were also INCREDIBLY insistent that I don’t die. Peacefully/trying to help someone that is. Full of rage like a supernova ?#only acceptable way to go apparently /lh /very aff (<- already attached to this strange person I DONT KNOW)#ok ok im done /jov #shut UP rea #rea's trash

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wraithsoutlaws · 1 year

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Screaming about the response you gave me LORD I love those two psychos

Any fun facts you’d like to share but haven’t told us yet??

hmm there is an ongoing rotation of Stuff About Them always playing in my mind but im always so bad at thinking of them when asked kdmdkdkd but there is one thing I keep coming back to while I replay some maelstrom gigs in the game and I dont *think* I've ever mentioned it. At some point Dagger is snooping around some files and stumbles across the database of gang initiations, like the recorded videos of the optical procedure and medical write ups/complications/cyberpsycho concerns/etc for all the members and he's not really fazed by any this, he *knows* what it all entails and he's been around them long enough to understand what happens and the risks involved. curiosity gets the best of him and he ends up pulling up dum dum's file and watching a bit, and to his own suprise, it ends up really upsetting him. its a brutal, painful procedure with a lot of risks and minimal precautions taken (including no anesthesia) and while he could watch the others no problem, he has to turn this one off pretty quick. He ends up deleting the video too, and he never mentions it to dum dum, but it stays with him for a long time :)

the procedure goes well for dd all things considered but does result in some negative side effects: memory lapses to start. He has a hard time remembering specifics from his past before maelstrom but even his short term memory starts getting worse as he gets older. (Dagger helps him with little memory games which is kinda cute but they're both terrified of him losing everything. This has also led to dd recording a lot of interactions so he sort of his a digital scrapbook of moments between the two of them.) He also gets "stuck in time" sometimes, really vivid flashbacks, often of the procedure where the pain comes back full force and he doesn't know Dagger until it passes (usually a couple minutes but bad ones go longer). Dagger has aggressive night terrors and ptsd from his childhood so they really become each others anchors in these moments.

#x: perfect drug #shout out to tumblr app for crashing after i wrote this out and making me rewrite it :)#anyway! one of those flashbacks dd has leads to a cyberpsycho scare where he sort of snaps and beats the ever loving shit out of dagger #and almost kills him :)#later on dd gives Dagger an old cyberdeck he programmed to essentially shut down his cyberware if it happens again #dagger thinks this is stupid and reckless and flat out tells him to destroy it bc what if someone else got their hands on it he doesnt want #it etc. but dd convinces him bc ultimately its a safety precaution he feels he needs and he will Only trust dagger with it.#so dagger begrudgingly accepts it and keeps it near and safe at all times #hm i guess it was time to drop a little angst :3

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nomairuins · 3 months

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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately

#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard #mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i #meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL #also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you #guys as a whole so it doesnt count #one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying #BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me #i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to #expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak #unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here #but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh #but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone #wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who #thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity #which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical #but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck #and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎

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steelthroat · 3 months

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Stupid School related vent

Look objectively speaking this has been a good school year.

Good classmates(except when they were indefensible w the teachers)

Good teachers (except when they acted like whiny children. Idc if they were good to me I speak objectively and generally)

Best grades I've ever achieved

But honestly I am not happy, we did too many useless things, we lost many hours to things our teachers were forced to make us do because the program said so...

I am now making notes and studying alone things we didn't do but they're gonna ask me at my exam.

I haven't studied certain artistic movements, artists and important paintings because our art history teacher was... hhhhrn bad.

Some important authors were skipped

Some historical periods of time just barely mentioned or were explained superficially.

Some philosophers skipped or explained badly.

No, it's not a pretty picture and most of it wasn't our or our teachers' fault. I am not blaming anyone but the school system that now more than ever I am convinced is deeply flawed.

I am going to do my final exam and get my final grade that will determine my "worth". 5 years of work but 5 days are gonna determine 60% of my final grade.

I know whatever happens the grade is gonna be good because I already have 80/100 and if I get 20/20 at the final exam it's gonna be 100/100. And frankly it's not that hard.

I don't even care if something happens and I'm gonna guck up, I'm gonna give my best because I care and I want to be proud of myself when I'm gonna look back at this time of my life.

But I am not happy because I feel like whatever I did and I was taught wasn't enough. I don't care if the final grade is gonna be good, I am still not happy about my own level of education.

I mean, I am happy for myself, i did my best and had my kind of fair "reward" for my efforts... I'm simply not satisfied

#steel rambles #honestly speaking it's stupid #but idk thinking about this exam i feel empty #90% of my peers feel anxious or nervous or scared... idk i just really don't care anymore #and I'm sad about it because i want to care #and to a degree i still do #but it's just...#it's like middle-school all over again #like it's different. I'm in a different head space and all #but it's the same emptiness that looks like confidence/standoffishness from the outside #i was tired and wanted to get shit done in middle school #i am tired and want to get shit done now #and i can't even complain about it to my classmates or my friends because they all say #“oh shut up you have it easy you have such a good grade etc etc”#okay sure but still it's not the grade that bothers me it's my fucking level of education and my feelings towards the school system #and i worked my ass off for that grade. no one is gonna give me back all the time i wasted crying over my notes and books and documents #and it's because of this that i am angry. because it doesn't feel worth it.#so yeah stuff maybe it's just my evening induced melancholy and maybe tomorrow I'm gonna look at this and say #“duuuuuude shut fhe fuck up come on”#which is fair #but as of now it all feels unsatisfactory i guess lol

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e77y · 5 months

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Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.