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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 8 months

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I don’t know if you already wrote about this so forgive me if this is a repeat question but, what do you think about Leona’s depression? I feel it’s pretty obvious in game and yet it’s always glossed over as him being ‘lazy’ idk but I don’t find many talking about his really shitty mental health with any seriousness.

Surprisingly I haven't addressed this (at least not in detail)! So thank you for bringing this to my attention; I definitely feel like I've heard people (especially Leona fans) discuss this quite frequently. If you look in the right places, you’re sure to find insightful commentary on the subject! I know I certainly have, but I've yet to say my own piece on it yet.

Now, before I actually get to actually rambling, I want to preface this post with a few points so we can walk in knowing the perspective I'm coming from. Analysis isn't a "one size fits all"! My experiences and background will color the lenses through which I view Leona’s mental health.

First and foremost, I usually don't go out of my way to claim, "this character has X condition" beyond what is outright stated or implied in canon. That does NOT mean that I disapprove of fans who may have their headcanons that say otherwise or project onto or relate to characters' mental health. You can consume the media you like however you want! I am just saying that I don't have this preference so I feel somewhat uncomfortable speaking on this matter.

Secondly, I am trying to approach this situation from a very clinical viewpoint (as I do have knowledge in this area). This means that when I look for “implications” or read between the lines, I am doing so as objectively as I can. It’s how I choose to process and understand characters from a health angle. This does not mean that my opinion is certain; you could very well find someone else in this area that gives you the opposite opinion. As always, I warn you that my response is for fun, it is NOT meant to be taken as medical advice.

Lastly, PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE POST before you comment or share your own thoughts. I'm up for having a discussion, but I ask that you not do so without getting the full context of my thoughts. It’s a lot of information, and I did my best to break it down in a way that (I hope!!) is easy to understand.

CONTENT WARNING: due to the nature of the question at hand, I will be discussing or mentioning potentially triggering topics such as ***depression, suicidal ideation, dieting, homophobia, and substance abuse.*** Please look away if you are not in the right headspace to read about such topics.

Okay, let's rip the band-aid off now: I don't think Leona is clinically depressed.

Pause. Rewind. Take note of my careful wording there: clinically depressed. I don't think Leona is clinically depressed. What does that mean, and how does that relate to "being depressed"?

I think when people describe Leona as "depressed", they commonly mean that he "has depression", not that he is just feeling sad or has low self-esteem. By "having depression", I'm going to assume they are referring to "major depressive disorder", which is the technical term for the condition.

"It's just an abbreviation of the longer term. What's the issue with using 'depression'?” you're probably wondering. “You understand that we mean major depressive disorder.” Well, equating the two does NOT a diagnosis make.

Mental conditions such as major depressive disorder are documented in a handbook known as the DSM (or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The latest version, the DSM-5-TR (5th edition with text revisions), was published in 2022. The DSM is a manual that sets forth criteria for each diagnosis in its pages. Of course, this includes major depressive disorder—and it may surprise you to learn that Leona does not meet its diagnostic criteria.

A diagnosis of "depression" (the term I will henceforth be using as shorthand for the disorder) is much more than having persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness, being unmotivated/lazy, and wanting to sleep often. (I bring up these three things specifically because they are the ones I see being pointed at most frequently to “prove” the diagnosis.)

In order to be formally diagnosed, an individual must be experiencing at least 5 or more of the following symptoms during the same 2-week period:

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).

Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.

Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

At least one of the symptoms should be either 1) depressed mood or 2) loss of interest or pleasure in activities they previously found enjoyable. Furthermore, the symptoms must cause what is known as "clinically significant distress", which is defined by impairment in important areas of functioning. This includes, but is not limited to, socialization, occupation, and/or education. The symptoms must also not be the result of substance abuse or another medical condition, and the individual must ever have experienced mania or hypomania.

Let’s briefly go through each criterion + additional documents and see what evidence there is or isn’t to support it:

We do not have his medical records to cross reference, so for the sake of convenience let’s assume no underlying or additional medical conditions.

We must consider additional context about family, lifestyle, etc. which can confound his symptoms. For example, as a prince, Leona has grown up having most things done for him by servants. This is what he is used to. So when we observe Leona not doing basic things for himself (getting food, doing laundry, making his bed), how much of this can we truly attribute to an underlying condition and how much of this can we attribute to Leona being accustomed to a certain kind of lifestyle?

Leona (at least from what we know of) does not experience mania, nor is he depicted as taking mind or behavior altering substances.

Of the first two criteria, Leona must fit into one: either 1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, or 2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. These depend on how you interpret his actions and behaviors. Personally, I don’t think Leona strongly fits into 2 because he still has an interest in his hobbies like Magift/Spelldrive and playing chess (though his involvement in it varies depending on the context). I will concede that there is stronger evidence for 1 over 2, as Leona has definitely expressed sadness and despair regarding himself and his future prospects. It is these thoughts that drive him away from home and keep contact with his family at a minimum. It is these thoughts that prevent him from seeing himself as worthy or even capable of change—a sentiment he shares in book 6, when he encourages Jamil but does not grant himself the same kindness or optimism. For this reason, we will go with the first criterion.

He has not experienced notable weight loss nor gain, nor a notable increase or decrease in appetite. Regarding his general diet, Leona has expressed a preference for meat and rejects vegetables. This by itself does not really provide any useful information in of itself; many people have this preference.

Leona does not experience a slowing down of thought. He is still very sharp and quick-witted in responding to his surroundings, especially in potentially dangerous ones, and coming up with an appropriate plan to counter. It can be argued that Leona has had a reduction in physical movement, as many characters often make remarks about how they perceive him as lazy or not doing much. However, this criterion actually refers to the speed at which one completes an activity and as far as I know, Leona is not said to be moving sluggishly, he only conducts himself in a manner that can be described as "lazily elegant". Even if we stretched the definition to encompass long-term goals he is putting off (like graduation), this criteria is still not counted for Leona since the wording used in the DSM-5-TR states “slowing down of thought AND reduction in physical movement” must be present. In other words, both must be true, not just one of them.

Leona does seem to experience some level of fatigue or loss of energy. This could be one way of interpreting his desire to sleep excessively instead of tending to more meaningful matters (like class). Fatigue, in this case, can also refer to emotional or mental fatigue. The sleep, then, can serve as a means of escape from reality for Leona, but it does not indicate actual physical tiredness. Rather, the tiredness can be intangible. This is also a potential explanation for his lack of motivation when it comes to some activities, especially those that demand him to take charge.

Leona does appear to experience feelings of worthlessness, though perhaps not excessive or inappropriate guilt. In fact, I would wager Leona does not demonstrate the latter, although this could be attributed to the fact that we are not in his head and he does not open up to others about his feelings. For example, we still don't know what his feelings are on almost killing Ruggie in a fit of rage. This does not discredit this criterion though, as the wording in the DSM is “feelings of worthlessness OR […] guilt” meaning one or the other suffices. It is no secret that Leona seeks recognition for his skills—something he was denied as a child and even put down for. While he is aware of his strengths, he has moments when he doubts himself (stating that he can’t change, or giving up when he realizes his plans won’t work so what’s the point in trying?), the contributions he can make (even when his older brother reassures him he can help their country), and encouragement from others (Jack telling him his play inspired him).

As I've said before, Leona does not have a diminished ability to think or concentrate. It has been shown to us time and time again that he doesn't do schoolwork not for lack of trying or lack of understanding, but because he thinks of himself as above it. Leona has already been tutored by the finest teachers royal money can buy, so he believes there is not much else for him to learn. He is also not shown to be indecisive--he can make decisions very quickly and can guide others or at least convince them to go along with him.

Leona does not have suicidal ideation or have recurring thoughts of committing suicide/death. While it's true that this is a game rated for ages 4+ (and therefore has restrictions on what content is and is not allowed in it), TWST has demonstrated to us that there are ways to imply suicidal ideation and other dark themes without explicitly saying it. (One notable example is Idia in late book 6, where he drops lines like "I'll go with you" and expresses dissatisfaction with "this world" to Ortho, who is known to be dead. To this, Ortho reassures him and encourages him to keep living. In fact, I could go on a whole tangent about how Idia better fits the criteria for major depressive disorder, but we're not going to get into that here.) The fact that TWST does not really imply this about Leona makes me think this is not true of him.

It can be said that the symptoms Leona does have are clinically significant, as his behavior is shown to have significant impact on his studies to the point where he was held back a grade. This was not because he did not know the material, but because he failed to find the motivation to attend class and to do his assignments. It also appears that Leona didn't really make an effort to work toward his future until book 7, when he actually talks his internship plans and about wanting to graduate.

We may guess that the symptoms persisted for two weeks or more (given Leona’s history and involvement in the main story), but the frequency of the symptoms is unclear since the game controls what we see of Leona and what we don’t.

Taking all of that into consideration, Leona does in fact exhibit depressive symptoms, but only 3 at most (I say “at most” because we have no idea about the true frequency at which some behaviors occur; we aren’t with Leona 24/7, nor has he reported it to us) out of the 8 total criteria. That’s 2 short of a diagnosis.

“But wait, there’s a lot of information missing here! We don’t have medical records, his weight and appetite changes, etc.” That’s true—but see, the main issue I take with diagnosing fictional characters in the first place is that we oftentimes do not know a character in detail enough to understand the full scope of their lives and symptoms. Noticing a few details is one thing and valid to an extent, but to evaluate an individual is not purely observational. This is particularly true for TWST characters, as even though there is plenty of content to refer back to for behavior, there is still a lack of really going into daily activities or deep feelings (beyond the one post-OB flashback for the OB boys). We cannot observe their behavior extensively. Because of this, tons of key criteria may not be visible to us from the audience’s perspective, let alone a medical history or other data to consider for assessment. We will almost always have an incomplete profile of a fictional character. Health is holistic and not entirely based on what we as individuals see or on all anecdotal evidence.

Just as health considers all parts of the individual, we, too, must consider individual cases of depression. It is possible for depression to exist without a diagnosis—many people (especially older adults), unfortunately, go undiagnosed for their condition. At the same time, it is possible for Leona to have depression which manifests in an atypical way. Each person with depression presents differently than the last, so I so not intend to make any blanket statements about the general population with this condition. The only statement I am making here is that based on my own interpretation of the current lore TWST has granted is, Leona Kingscholar does not satisfy the criteria for a formal clinical diagnosis, at least not for major depressive disorder as is defined by the DSM-5-TR.

Interestingly, Leona does fit the diagnostic criteria for a subclinical form of depression in a 1994 version of the DSM (IV). Minor depression or minor depressive disorder, colloquially known as “everyday depression”, is defined as having 2–4 depressive symptoms persisting for more than 2 weeks. One of these symptoms must be either depressed mood or loss of interest. It should be noted that this terminology is no longer recognized, as new information is added and dropped from the manual all the time. The information is flexible based on the consensus of a panel of hundreds of experts. Older versions of the DSM can be horribly outdated and it is not advised to reference them over newer ones. (As an example, "homosexuality" was legitimately listed as a mental illness in the very first version of the DSM. Yikes. Thankfully, this was dropped from the DSM-II. Other conditions like "multiple personality disorder" are granted new names like "dissociative identity disorder" or reworked altogether as our studies and understanding of mental health and science improve. It is important to keep up with the research coming out and update our approaches accordingly.)

We do not currently have a label for Leona’s situation aside from perhaps experiencing depressive episodes (periods of notable sadness lasting under 2 weeks) and exhibiting some depressive symptoms. I must stress that just because we lack a full-blown diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact his life. Leona is shown to very clearly be struggling with his mental health. He spends a lot of time in bed, typically cannot be motivated to attend class or do complete assignments, and has moments where he thinks very lowly of himself in spite of the confidence he exudes to others. What's more is that because Leona does not speak to others about what he's going through, it comes off as laziness or arrogance to his peers. Think of it this way: if you have a bad day and snap at a stranger or an acquaintance, the stranger/acquaintance is far less likely to grant you grace or forgiveness for your behavior compared to, say, a friend. They are not as familiar with you, so they will have less patience and are less likely to consider what you may be going through on a personal level. This also applies on a fandom level; if a fan is not actively reading between the lines, they, like Leona's peers, may miss the depressive symptoms he is displaying because they aren't looking for it. How many people can we say are close friends with Leona for him to open up to them about his circumstances? I would say Leona barely even lets his own dorm members be intimate enough with him to let them know about this part of himself. He has Savanaclaw backing him, but he probably does not talk to the mobs extensively. Ruggie is his errand boy, but I doubt Leona pours his heart out to him. And Jack is the newbie who did technically betray their dorm, so Leona might not trust him. Forget about people beyond his dorm. Even his family is not much better off; we've seen that Leona tends to brush off his brother's friendliness and attempts to make amends. There is no strong support system in place for him, which is tricky because Leona perpetuates it by keeping others at bay. In the light novel adaptation of book 2, Leona has an inner monologue about how he is afraid of letting others give him hope because it will encourage him to try again, only to fail another time. I imagine similar logic applies here; he is afraid of showing his vulnerable side because it might give him hope for change when he as late as book 6 expresses that he has given up on himself. I think that this is the detail about Leona most look to when they consider his mental health. The hallmark of depression is, after all, the feeling of perpetual sadness and despair itself. Most do not realize that other factors are considered.

From a clinical lens, it is not “obvious" that Leona is depressed. However, I understand why the prevailing sentiment tends to skew in the opposite direction. For the layman, it may be difficult to distinguish what is and is not clinically significant enough to warrant an actual diagnosis. Again, most will cite the same three pieces of information to support the depression reading: Leona's irritability, his unwillingness to participate, and the rejection he experienced as a child (which has now manifested as self-doubt and low self-esteem). Characters are often judged based on fans' own experiences, and this naturally comes with biases and subjectivity. Thus, some fans may project their own understanding or preconceived notions of what the "typical" depressed person acts like in their head onto Leona. This is normal human empathy at play. I believe that other fans see depression in Leona either because they experience it themselves or are familiar with someone in the same shoes. It can be difficult, and at times we can find solace and solidarity in fiction, especially if we find a character that “speaks to us” and seems relatable. That character may be Leona for some people. If you see do see him in this light or relate to his situation, I’m not invalidating your feelings. On the contrary, I'm happy that you were able to find comfort in him and that a piece of media you love can serve as a coping mechanism. You keep on doing you!

It is at this point that I will reiterate what I said at the start with a little extra nuance: I do not think Leona clinically depressed BUT I do believe he has depressive symptoms and poor mental health as the result of his cumulative circumstances. It is possible for him to have major depressive disorder, but we cannot determine this for certain with the information available to us right now. We are still missing several key components that would typically be considered in the evaluation process.

I think it's important to step back from focusing on labels and instead focus on the individual experience, and how you can still grow as a person and not let a perceived label define you. Leona is definitely working on himself! Changing, particularly changing a deeply ingrained mindset, takes much time and effort. We may not see the progress since Leona tends to hide it and/or we have limited intractions with him. We may not always see giant strides because the process is difficult. Even so, Leona is trying to jump over those mental and emotional hurdles. He's putting his all back into Magift/Spelldrive training. He's attending classes and doing the assignments. He's going home for the holidays. He has an internship planned. He wants to graduate. I've enjoyed following Leona's journey of growth and self-development and seeing all the intense discussion surrounding that. It all comes from a place of love and wanting to support the characters we care about, no matter how we may individually view him.

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cyb3rtarot · 11 months

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Pick a Pile: What's an Insecurity You Need to Confront?

Disclaimer: tarot readings are not replacements for professional advice! Take what resonates; don't force a reading to fit. Readings are based on current energy; your future's in your hands. For this reading I used a recolored Smith-Waite, the Osho Zen tarot, and the Oracle of the Radiant Sun.

pile 1⋆pile 2 pile 3⋆pile 4

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)

Pile 1:

What’s the insecurity?: hi pile one! You seem to have interests that aren’t very socially accepted. You could like things considered “nerdy, childish, cringe, or weird.” Some of you feel like you’re a frivolous or immature person. You may also feel this way about your friend group or job. There’s some sense of awkwardness, embarrassment, or shame about the things that fulfill you. This may be a career that others don’t take seriously—like the arts—or something really niche like being a clown. However, I see most of you still try to pursue what feels right despite others’ pressure.

Why do you feel this way?: I feel you’re wrapped up in how others perceive you. You may fear being shunned, ostracized, and alone. Some of you have already experienced that level of loneliness before, so you don’t want to be pushed out again. You could be or have been the friend who feels least important, like the one who gets pushed off a sidewalk while everyone else walks side by side. Many of you have social anxiety; you could feel like everyone is staring at you or get easily embarrassed.

Current method of dealing with this: you like to take your mind off your insecurities and emotions as fast as possible. When you feel judged, you change the topic really fast, like by making a joke. You might blurt out something you didn’t really mean to redirect attention, like making a joke at someone else’s expense. Your constant flight or fight pushes you towards impulsiveness, and flip-flopping between embarrassment and defensiveness. This could take a physical toll, like feeling very tired after socializing. A few people in this group could’ve been bullies to deflect from their own issues (though others of you were on the receiving end).

Advice for healing: reflecting on how projections create shame is beneficial. When we judge ourselves, we feel everyone else is judging us too. When others judge us unfairly, they’re projecting something from inside themselves outwards. We can stay trapped in a cycle of shame where everyone is unhappy, or accept that we deserve happiness in our harmless interests. By taking a different perspective of your fears instead of accepting them as the full story, you can leave thought patterns you no longer align with. For those who often say things they regret, there’s emphasis on thinking before you speak, and working through thoughts before projecting them outwards. A few of you are entering a new community that will be a great opportunity to work on this. If you were drawn to pile 2 I encourage you to check it out!

Extra details: a bench (especially green), staring, golf carts, driving, dancing, physically active, excitable/hyperactive, bubbly, theater kid, geeky, black hair, cringe culture, shy, fandoms, the comedian/funny friend, always smiling, secret/hidden life, bullying, travel/moving, leaving friends, feeling dumb, fake persona, panic, school friends, college, dorms, fairies (fairly odd parents?), Are We Friends or Not by Zeph

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Pile 2 [TW abuse/childhood abuse]:

What’s the insecurity?: hi pile two! You guys may feel insecure or struggle in what you want to do with your life. You may feel stuck in “analysis paralysis;” constantly ruminating over all the possibilities but never reaching a conclusion. If you compare yourselves to others, it might seem like you’re going very slow in life, a late bloomer, have no solid plan, or like you’re regressing. Some of you struggle with a heavy past, like major childhood trauma that contributes to your present feelings.

Why do you feel this way?: you have a lot of thoughts in your head that pull you every which way. You might have an inkling of what you want to do, but you get caught in the planning versus the doing. Some of you are stuck between choosing something lucrative or something more purposeful. There are also opinions from others that are confusing you. A few of you have imposter syndrome about a new opportunity, and another few are having problems at a job which is pushing them away.

Current method of dealing with this: this pile seems to deal with it by not dealing with it lol. You want to make the perfect choice so much that you either don’t make any decision or you turn away from what you like. The latter is specific to some of you that have already chosen a more material-focused path but still feel indecisive. However, I don’t feel like you guys are living in an illusion; you’re aware of your situation and the different aspects. You may enjoy the position you’re in despite the insecurity. For example, if you don’t have a job right now, you could enjoy the free schedule. You may like still being taken care of by your family and not having to work. Or, you could enjoy the potential of having many possibilities and not fully committing.

Advice for healing: you need to take a serious look at what you want out of life, what’s important to YOU and not society or others. This includes being more selective with the perceptions and advice you consider; you might also need to be more selective with who’s in your circle. Are there people in your energy who are only there for themselves? Are you maybe a bit too free with sharing your plans and ideas with just everyone? Find out who and what makes you feel fulfilled and empowered. If you also felt drawn to pile 1 I encourage you to look it over!

Extra details: looking for a job or between jobs, optimism, eagerness, vests, libraries, plants, round glasses/brown glasses, light brown hair (especially a bob), quiet or shy kid (some of you outgrew it), teacher’s assistant, childhood trauma or abuse, masculine or androgynous look, horror (the genre), drawing, pop music (some of you love ariana grande 🤨), drag, job opportunities, meditation, overthinking, inner demons, nickelodeon, moving, being busy, lack mindset

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Pile 3 [TW mental illness, substance abuse]:

What’s the insecurity?: hi pile threes! Is everything all right?? You guys have an indecisive energy like pile 2, but it feels philosophical instead of material. The insecurity is life itself. You could be having an existential crisis or existential anxiety. You don’t know your purpose or why you’re here, and this creates a stagnant but chaotic feeling inside. Some of you don’t want to be here. Another part of this “insecurity” is that you don’t share this struggle with most. Because others can’t comprehend what you’re going through, it’s isolating. This pile could be very disappointed with how society and survival works, and don’t want to put their energy into the broken system.

Why do you feel this way?: This group has pressure from themselves and others to be successful and “well-adjusted.” To achieve, move forward, and at least appear “normal.” There’s a great internal struggle happening and the pressure to keep up appearances adds to the stress. Mental health issues feel very significant for this pile. You may still conform to so-called normal life while feeling ready to snap.

Current method of dealing with this: most of this pile puts a lot of energy into keeping up the image. There’s a split self where the external you and internal you are living two different lives. You may like to hang out with friends a lot and focus on their lives instead of your own. Your friend group or the activities you do together seem to be filled with gossip, drama, or other excitement that distracts you from what’s going on. I also see a big struggle with overindulgence or addiction. There’s a sense of feeling out of it during the day and then coming alive at night; you might like to stay up or go out really late. Some of you also use partners to fill the void.

Advice for healing: there’s an extremely strong emphasis on removing yourself from people who no longer align with you. There could be a few people or places that always “enable” you to make choices you regret, or always bring drama and toxicity into your life. Specific people in this pile are in a romantic relationship that makes them feel very unhappy. The advice is to reflect on what takes peace from your life and what you can do to protect yourself from toxicity. If you use relationships to never face yourself, you can re-evaluate the energy you put into them. Some time has to be spent with the self to see what the self wants and needs (if you’re drawn to meditation it can be helpful). I highly encourage everyone who wants or needs them to see what mental health services are accessible to you, and to explore potential healthy coping mechanisms.

Extra details: impatient, may like to sing, vocal stim, or rap, goofy, “IT’S FAKE!”(?), a facade/mask, hiding feelings, uses humor to cope or avoid a topic, trap house, memes, spiritual, viewing life as sacred, anti-capitalism, immigrant family, questioning orientation, substance abuse, painting, bathrooms, the middle of nowhere, courage the cowardly dog, pop music, karaoke, bars and clubs, I think we ALL sing, housing insecurity, the characters Mabel or Sarah Lynn could be significant

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Pile 4:

What’s the insecurity?: hi pile four! This is an insecurity about being vulnerable as your true self due to the oppressive environment around you. It feels like you carry many responsibilities. You’re expected to act strong, carry out duties, maintain tradition, and in most ways you’ve done this. On the inside you reject this way of life, but also feel fear in fully living out that rejection. This pile may deem themselves as weak, immature, or sinful. I also feel many of you want to be taken care of or protected instead of always having to be the carer and protector, and this could contribute to feeling weak.

Why do you feel this way?: living as your true self may mean becoming the black sheep wherever you are. You may be afraid that the fallout will push you into an unfavorable situation, such as having to leave where you currently are. You might’ve already seen it happen to others. I feel many of you have had to live in a mature role or take care of responsibilities since childhood, and this adds an extra layer as to why it’s so hard to break free.

Current method of dealing with this: I feel like you guys are doing the best with what you have! A good amount of this pile has left or is leaving their hurtful environment, and you’re moving into new communities that align with you. For others, this may just be an internal change. Either way, I feel you’re refusing to be bullied into agreeing with things you don’t believe in. One way or another, you’re going to find a way to rebel how you can and live the way you want. It’s just been hard to reflect on ingrained beliefs and sometimes you catch yourself falling back on ideas you don’t mesh with anymore. But great efforts have been made towards the path you want to be on.

Advice for healing: be open to a completely new journey you would’ve never imagined before! There’s already a lot of energy directed towards the life you envision for yourself. You’re encouraged to be open-minded and allow yourself continuous evolution. There’s an emphasis on giving your inner child a lot of grace and space to heal, even if your first impulse is to judge them. Just as others shouldn’t keep you in their box, don’t keep yourself in your own box either! You may have had to develop certain traits to help you leave old, toxic situations, such as having a hard exterior or going ham during your rebellious phase. Keep what still feels good and let go of the rest; embody what you need and want to be in the present and not the past. But, there’s no need to shame other versions of yourself that had different personalities and beliefs; compassion for past selves leads to compassion for the present and future selves :]!

Extra details [TW abuse mention]: teeter-tottering/off-balance, scooby & shaggy, religious trauma, conservative community, church, childhood trauma, abusive relationships, regretting parenthood, religious deconstruction/leaving, becoming more spiritual, new religious beliefs, Buddhism, moving, financial struggle, single parent, hesitating, sea/sea animals, parties or gatherings, moving/travel across the ocean, writing/journaling, nature, herbalism, plant-induced spiritual experiences, acupuncture, purple

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅)

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yuseirra · 3 months

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Kamiki's feelings towards Ai- an analysis

Chapter 154 was so interesting and it happened just as I imagined the way it would, actually. What I can't fully predict is what'd happen AFTER this- there are so many things left undisclosed and yet to be uncovered, too. But it's allowed me to think about a lot of things.

Today I wrote up an analysis of how I feel Kamiki's character could be and his feelings towards Ai.

I'd speculated on Ai's relationship with him before this chapter was out. I was pretty much on the right track in a general sense (and another analysis on Aqua and how he feels about kana, too.)This seems like the best time to break out how I think about how kamiki would have felt about her from his end- before it's actually going to be told.

(This full post was originally written in a different language and I asked chatgpt-4 to help translate it in bulk because it got so long..! wow, and it did a really great job. I guess I'll use THAT to translate now)

The last episode made it clear how the protagonist's parents ended up the way they did and the deep emotions they had for each other, so I have quite a bit to say about that. Psychology is an area of interest for me. To put it extremely, it's everything in my creations (though it would be embarrassing if I missed the mark after saying this) to the point where I'd go, 'if I can't even do this, I'd wonder what I'm good at...' In other words, it's the area where I'm most confident... I enjoy watching, analyzing, and understanding things. It's a topic I can talk about enthusiastically and endlessly if the opportunity arises.

As I mentioned in a previous post, understanding others' emotions, whether in reality or fiction, is a tricky part to pin down definitively, so I'm always hesitant to speak rashly about it. I keep thinking, "Maybe it's this?" but because I really dislike being wrong, I don't speak strongly about it. And I think how one "feels" something is too personal a realm.

Therefore, when a story confirms things through dialogue, flashbacks, or actions, I get very excited. It’s like, "Now I can talk about it!" That's how I brought this post forth today.

Getting to the point, this manga is very well-written when it comes to emotional aspects (the emotions and the persuasiveness of the situations that evoke those emotions) of well-crafted characters. In my opinion, characters like Ai, Aqua, and Kana are quite well-developed, and other characters, even in their personal episodes or specific points, have at least a desirable level of persuasiveness as needed. In most cases, at least. Some scenes left me a lil confused time to time still, but at most, the scenes written with a clear perspective often show and evoke strong emotions, which I consider a strength of this manga. Considering the author's previous work was a romance manga... I guess someone who comes from writing romance manga is built differently! (I haven't watched Kaguya-sama though).

As for Kamiki, his past was as I expected. Looking at the small hints that were sprinkled earlier, I didn't think it would turn out much different from what was actually depicted. Realistically, a child who became the father of twins at the age of 15 (a highly unusual age by modern standards) couldn't have been so calculating and meticulous in using Ai or intentionally manipulating them to have their children, no matter how crazy he was, even if considering the manga’s verisimilitude. Ai is a smart person. She might not have received a proper education compared to the average person due to her inability to fit into the social safety net, but I think her innate intelligence was quite good... For Ai, Kamiki was someone who could maintain a good relationship with her, with her being the older out of the two, even. Being the cautious and careful person she is. Ai's would have coolly cut ties and walked away rather than being used if there was a need to. So I always thought their relationship would have been genuine at some point, at least.

And looking at his past, as expected... (even if it’s a manga, the whole situation he was in was too dreadful...) looking at his personality, he was a gentle and pure child who was tossed around a lot when he was younger. If an 11-year-old child had a relationship with an adult, the adult is absolutely not a proper human being. There’s no room for another interpretation. Even if the child said "it was okay", there’s no room for leniency. It’s nonsense. Kamiki had been sexually abused from a very young age, so it was almost impossible for him to form a proper concept about it, and he was at a resignation to the things that were happening to him... Ai was the one person who got close to him and wanted to help him escape from that situation. But since Ai was only a middle schooler, she realistically had no power to do anything drastic... Both lacked proper guardians and had a deficiency in love, so when they were fully exposed to an environment where outward attractiveness was heavily utilized, they had no means to protect themselves. The best they could do was create a mask to show others and keep convincing themselves that they were okay with it... They were drawn to each other because they shared that similarity and understood that part of each other. I liked that these two were set as peers around the same aga because, especially for young children, age difference has a significant impact on social experience and individual standing. It's better to have a similar age if they are to have an equal relationship. Adults should be with adults, and children should be with children. Their worlds are different, and even a completely insignificant adult can easily exploit and manipulate a child. I believe that relationships should be with people who share a similar perspective and have similar emotional resources to offer each other.

The scene where Ai goes to Airi and calls her just a sex offender might be exaggerated, but if we say exaggerated... it means there was some face-to-face interaction and that Ai helped Kamiki separate from Airi. Ai probably wanted to do what was depicted in the movie. In reality, you have to deal with the aftermath, and it probably didn’t go smoothly like the adult just backing off or listening to a teenager. However, Ai’s actions had some effect in helping Kamiki get away from Airi to some extent, leading to a period where they officially dated. During this time, Kamiki must have truly loved and been happy with Ai. The adults around didn’t know about the situation, and they never helped Kamiki. The one who listened, understood, and shared the troubling and dreadful situation that Kamiki had grown accustomed to for years was Ai.

For Kamiki, there was only Ai.

When Airi blackmailed and gaslit him into despair, Kamiki’s thoughts were to turn to Ai for help because there was only Ai for him. Ai was indeed everything to Kamiki, supporting and pulling him out of tough situations. Ai was like a light in his life. They already had mutual affection, so it wasn’t surprising.

Meeting someone who truly understands, accepts, and loves you is extremely precious and significant. The statement that he sincerely loved Ai is true because there was truly no one else in the world for him to love. He led a very isolated life.

I won't delve deeply into Ai’s analysis here since I covered that last time. But the statement that Ai wanted to shoulder everything together and share a future with kamiki was absoultely genuine. Then why did he leave and say such heartless things that would break Kamiki’s heart?

That'd be because having a child meant more responsibility for Kamiki, and Ai thought Kamiki couldn't handle it. So Ai decided to leave to lessen Kamiki’s burden, thinking that would be less painful for him than staying together. Ai probably felt that no matter what, Kamiki wouldn't break up with her unless she said something really harsh. Kamiki's mindset at that time, as shown in his thoughts, was that it was just the two of them against the world, and they could bear any pressure together. That feeling is understandable. So pitiable, really. Ai, however, also wasn’t someone who was very mentally healthy. I'm sure she wanted to help him, but her ways of "helping" wasn't and couldn't be so ideal because she too was only a child. Additionally, I feel Ai was quite conscious of being a year older, wanting to take care of the struggling Kamiki (Ai seems to have a maternal instinct despite not receiving such care herself). She wanted to share Kamiki’s burdens but couldn't share her own dark and difficult parts because she felt Kamiki was too fragile. So, to unburden Kamiki, she left with very harsh and definitive words, thinking Kamiki would be better off without her and their children. Hearing such harsh words, Kamiki immediately thought, "Oh... I am the problem," and understood why Ai left, hence couldn’t hold her back. Ultimately, he ended up believing that even Ai couldn’t love and accept him, which led to Kamiki’s self-deprecation, thinking he was the problem all along. After realizing she had clung to Ai, he thought, "Ai didn't love me, she was there because she just couldn't avoid me being too pure and innocent"

However, his love for Ai wouldn’t have disappeared just like that. Ai was too significant for Kamiki. He loved her to the extent that he felt he heard his whole world collapsed from the breakup.

When Kamiki was near the hospital during Ai's delivery, I don’t think he intended to harm Ai. Why would he harm the person he truly loved who was having his children? He was probably heartbroken for a while after Ai’s breakup with him and, upon hearing about Ai’s health issues on the news, worriedly searched for her until he found about the hospital she was admitted to. On the day the children were born, it could be that he couldn’t approach Ai due to him being self-conscious about Ai’s refusal. He just nervously lingered nearby, and that's when he could have encountered Ryosuke, who was stalking Ai. I might be interpreting too favorably...

When Kamiki learned that Ai was going to give birth, even though Ai had said she wouldn't, he was probably surprised but not resentful. He might have been confused and curious about why she decided to have the children, but upon seeing the newborns from afar, he likely felt overwhelmed with emotion, thinking they were his children.

Perhaps he even thought it would have been nice if they could have been a family together. Though Ai intended to show the children to Kamiki for the first time when they were around four, I suspect Kamiki had been concerned and affectionate about them even before that.

If they had kept in touch intermittently and Ai had sent pictures of the children, things might not have become so extreme. Regardless, I believe Kamiki felt affection for their children. Though Taiki was a trauma for him...

The phone call scene should be shown from Kamiki's perspective once. Having kept a distant watch over Ai and the children, he would have felt internal familiarity and gladness, thinking, "Could we meet again?" After being firmly rejected, he might have made bad decisions. It's hard to know how much of what he said regarding Ryosuke is true, but the idea that Kamiki wanted to kill Ai? If that were true, the more detailed confession (that it wasn’t intentional) would not have come out when Aqua had pushed for it. He said that he was the one that clung to her and killed her and tried to leave it at that at first. Kamiki’s willingness to accept lifelong infamy for his actions, by his own child, implies something different. What he's said after he was inquired further by Aqua seems more truthful than what was initially told. There's probably more to this because it still seems illogical and weird to some extent, but we have to remember he was okay with being perceived at being solely responsible Ai's murderer to Aqua in Ch 153, but his detailed explanations that may not have been even told tells to be a bit different from that. That means he probably feels guilty enough to blame himself entirely for what's happened.

Kamiki advising Aqua and Ruby aligns with my interpretation of his character. These actions seem sincere. Given his affection for Ai, he may feel some warmth towards their children, as he once referred to Ruby as "our" children. He's also been able to see through how Aqua is in a very accurate sense, he seems to have watched him intently. Hence, when Aqua approached him, he expressed his feelings honestly.

To Aqua, he says stuff like "you might find me detestable, but I was glad to talk like this with you", and he gives some advice to Ruby too in a pretty kind way, actually. These actions are likely genuine. It's only natural to find the children, who resemble themselves and their loved one, adorable. Just as Ai told the twins, while dying, that she was glad to have given birth to the children, I think Kamiki, even if they didn't love the children as much as they do for Ai, would at least be happy about their existence. I believe Kamiki would have kept a distant watch over them all along. It's just that he couldn't approach them. As I mentioned before, if he really is a god or possesses some powers, he, along with Ai, who's become a star, might have been supporting the children together in their own respective ways. Though the children were not born intentionally, they were still born out of love.

I got it right, didn't I? In my post about Ai, I wrote that Kamiki might have wanted to take responsibility for the children, but Ai could've had hid and left to avoid burdening him. When Kamiki heard about the pregnancy, he immediately proposed marriage, didn't he? If they had been in their early twenties, they might have really been able to get together. They might have raised the children well as a young couple, finding them quite adorable. If they had become parents at a more typical age, they wouldn't have been incapable of raising the children. In fact, Ai contacted him when the children were about four years old, and she was twenty. She couldn't reunite with Kamiki because of her thriving idol career and the potential scandal.

From Ai's perspective!! If she had hoped for and imagined raising their children together, it means she believed Kamiki would take good care of them, and she was probably right. Also, Ai's idea of happiness included this. Ai, when you look closer, was inexperienced due to her youth but still loved the children in her own way and had a maternal instinct. Talking to Ryosuke to distract him when the door chain wasn't on and he could have invaded and harmed the children was a wise choice.

Haha, speaking of that, maybe because I fell asleep thinking about this manga, I had a terrifying dream last night. I was threatened by a crazy person with a razor blade in a large shopping mall, walking with them like a hostage. I kept talking to avoid being killed, seized the blade, and ran for my life. I got in a car, thinking I was safe, but people were fleeing in panic. The person had more than one blade and started swinging it when their hostage escaped. I felt guilty. I'm so glad it was just a dream.

It's my first time having such a dream. Even though it's not real, experiencing it in a dream makes me respect Ai's response. She managed to calm and turn away Ryosuke, protecting the children. Ai is smart and thoughtful. Her ways of speech to induce not getting back together was really blunt and hurtful not not exactly the best in terms of the emotions it could bring forth, but understandable. Her character is often lacking in emotional responses but sharp in thinking. Between the two, Kamiki is the more emotional one, but Ai was more mature in their relationship. Still, Ai loved Kamiki to the point of wishing he would rely on her and wanting to be his support and that says a lot. That was her way of loving.

Back to Kamiki, what are his current feelings about Ai? He still loves her and was once(and even now) is willing to give everything for her. His feelings for Ai were genuinely deep. Even when he resigned himself to believing Ai never loved him, he was willing to be avenged by Aqua if that's what she wanted. This wasn't a lie. He wouldn't lie to his children. His parental feelings are also genuine.

But there's something more. Kamiki has something in common with Aqua. There's something vast that he carries without revealing everything. After breaking up with Ai, he might have done a lot of wrong things, but his base nature actually seems to be on the timid side, even gentle. He couldn't properly communicate with Ai when she decided to break up all of a sudden, and just let her go, indicating his mild nature. For someone like him to take extreme actions, something extreme must have happened. Ai's death would be such a trigger. If he were to act extremely, it would be related to Ai. He lived a life of being pushed around, with little attachment to himself, being saved by Ai and deeply wanting to be with her. Ai caused him pain but was also his savior. For Kamiki, Ai was his reason for living.

When I saw the lyrics of "Fatal," I immediately had a huge hunch. The psychological state reflected in the song perfectly matches Kamiki's feelings towards Ai. It's very blind and desperate, with what he's originally had twisted negatively. The narrator of the song keeps trying to give and do something, feeling it's still not enough. This song fills in the gaps in Kamiki's character that were hinted at but not explicitly described. The narrator couldn't be anyone but Kamiki.

I understood why Kamiki came to love Ai so deeply through the flashbacks. Given their backgrounds, it made sense that he would love Ai immensely. So when I heard the song and read the lyrics, I immediately felt it was right. Do you think my analysis will be way off?

It seems like Ai and Kamiki's story draws motifs from Japanese mythology. One motif comes from the gods of entertainment, Ame-no-Uzume and Sarutahiko (in terms of abilities), and the other from the couple Izanagi and Izanami (with Amaterasu—she has something to do with Ruby-, Tsukuyomi, Susanoo—the sea god—Aqua). In the myth, Izanagi tries to bring back Izanami, who died giving birth, from the underworld but ultimately fails to revive her.

This narrative aligns with the first season's ending song "Mephisto" and the second season's opening "Fatal," which are about wanting to save someone and meet them again. So far, all efforts have been in vain, and the songs mention continuously offering something. If these songs reflect Kamiki's feelings, then Kamiki must still love Ai and desperately wish for her to come back to life. This seems very likely.

The concept of the "stage" is also mentioned in both songs. The protagonist struggles on stage, which won't let them go. They don't actually want to live that way, but their only purpose for enduring it is to reunite with their loved one. These songs seem like spoilers, hinting at future developments. Otherwise, why would such lyrics appear? It feels like there's a stage set by the gods, and the characters are trapped within it.

The first season's ending is titled "Mephisto," referring to a demon who grants wishes in exchange for one's soul.

Whether it's Aqua, Kamiki, or both, there's clearly a deal involving risking their existence or life to see Ai again. But it can't be Aqua because he was told by the Tsukuyomi girl that Ai could no longer reincarnate. Aqua's goal would be to fulfill Ai's wishes, not to meet her again. However, the songs' themes are clearly different from that. Something is up.

There are definitely suspicious gaps in Kamiki's actions, but thinking this way brings consistency to his sparse psychological reveals. One way or another, this character is obsessed with Ai, and Ai wants to help him.

When he realizes that the person he loved loved him back, he should be either sad or happy. But there's a reason for his shock (which is, also natural, but he's in utter shock). It might be that he's in a state where he cannot be saved.

When this character asked Ai for help as a child, Ai sincerely wanted to help but couldn't do enough alone. So, she wanted to help him along with their children. Comparing now to then, he might have walked into a much deeper pit on his own, for Ai's sake. Depending on the extent of what he did, he might end up still being unforgivable.. or maybe he might not have actually committed something as serious as it's been hinted and have a chance to be actually brought back to happiness But I can't envision a future where Kamiki lives happily for now. His life has been too miserable, so unfortunate.. and it's probably really messed up at this point too, so sacrificing himself for his children and following Ai might be his happy ending. Ai wants to see him, so it could be most happy if she came to take him with her. Considering the scenes shown so far, it's unclear if he deserves a happy ending. But anyhow, there's likely some special circumstance the guy's in that's going to bring a new light about his character

That's it. I had to talk about it all before the next episode comes up! If I'm wrong, well, that's that! But it was so fun analyzing him~

#oshi no ko #hikaru kamiki #hikaai #ai hoshino #kamiai #oshi no ko spoilers #spoilers #I really like looking at character's psyches and stuff..#I think I'm not too bad with them actually!#oshi no theories

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caeslxys · 2 months

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I am SO fascinated to get your take on BH's reaction to Ludinus and Downfall.

*****SPOILERS FOR 102 BELOW*****

As someone who left Downfall with a very negative view of the gods, it's interesting to me that BHs (in particular Imogen) kept saying "but you're just like them" about Ludinus and then not realizing that she was saying that the gods are no better than Ludinus fucking Da'Leth. Yeah, Luda is a hyprocrite. Do you realize that the gods are no better? The GODS.

And BHs comparing themselves to the primes/betrayers as this "fucked-up family" completely ignores the power differential. "They're just little guys! We all make mistakes" but you're saying that about entities that can literally sling 9th levels every 6 seconds without using any resources.

Nothing that can feel and be motivated by loss, rage, fear, and revenge should have that much power. Respectfully.

Sorry this took me so long to answer! I’ve been letting my own thoughts simmer and rewatching the episode in pieces to grasp the Many Many different things that happened on my own because it was Quite A Lot and some of it (the delilah of it all, funnily enough) left me immediately with an overall sense of disappointment that I wanted to sift through before talking Thoughts so that I could determine analysis from bias lol. BUT. I DO HAVE THOUGHTS

Long answer under the read more, but tldr: Apart from Orym, Ashton, and Dorian (simultaneously the most and least surprising!) I don’t think we’ve gotten the full breadth of BH’s opinions at all. In part because this a topic of discussion that requires them actually, well, discussing it to form fully rounded opinions on but also, crucially, because they were expressing opinions and emotions in front of Ludinus. This is important, because Orym/Ashton/Dorian make the most sense to have no reason for holding their true thoughts back in front of either him or the party (obviously in Orym and Ashton’s case, but I’ll be honest in not considering what is now obvious—Dorian has no idea who this guy actually is! Of course he wasn’t opposed to raising his perspective!), whereas other characters—namely Imogen—have many more internal steps and hurdles to actually reaching a conclusion that must happen outside of Ludinus’ eye.

Alright. Long version.

I think it truly speaks to the characters that the ones who reacted the most immediately decisive were Orym—the one whose opinions wouldn’t have changed regardless of what was held within that orb (which. sigh)—Ashton—the punk, anti-authoritarian character who has had an established perspective of the gods and their power for quite some time, perspectives that were in many ways cemented in viewing this piece of history rather than dispelled—and Dorian—someone who, as mentioned earlier, has the least amount of context for who Ludinus is, but who also himself was raised in a comparatively high position of social power so as to understand exactly what Ludinus is saying about the gods’ misusing theirs.

And, of course, Imogen. I’ll admit: I was immediately shocked at her response, but in hindsight of course she responded the way she did. I have talked and gushed and wailed before at how deeply empathetic Imogen is, and how it is also her ultimate fatal flaw (demonstrated explicitly here), so of course her first thought was how she saw the feelings and motives behind the decisions made in downfall and not how it was also an extreme over-reach of power and influence. Of course she did. I think the only person she’s incapable of empathizing with is Delilah lmao.

And to that point: A lot of that seemed, on a rewatch and to me, posturing on her part. So much of Imogen is defined by her guilt and shame and self-loathing and its especially prevalent when she is playing leader—a role she is naturally very good at, but doubts constantly because she does not consider herself “good”. So, often, she does what she thinks others perceive as “good” and “right” and keeps her more complex thoughts to herself until she is in a safe space (often with Laudna), and projects who she thinks others need her to be in the moment.

Laudna, in the same vein, also shocked me that she didn’t push the breach of power here. But, again, she is also right next to Imogen in “bells hells characters most driven by/capable of empathy” (though hers is, unlike Imogen’s, often in conflict with her desires in really compelling ways) so on further reflection—and especially taking into consideration the massive amount of shame she is feeling from swordgate—of course she focused on the empathetic side of it all.

Ultimately we didn’t get much time at all for them to actually discuss and dissect their take-aways on all of downfall in a setting and context that would be free of bias and performance. If i’m honest, I think those conversations need to happen individually instead of in a group, though maybe Dorian’s inclusion and obvious clear decision on his stance being more in line with Ludinus’ may just be enough for Orym alone not to break the conversational thread again with his personal grief (and guilt, but that’s another post lol). I think their real opinions have yet to solidify even for themselves, and we’ll see them truly form in the coming episodes. The Delilah of it all notwithstanding.

Speaking of Orym’s refusal to think about anything—I think he and Imogen both are suffering from Predathos tunnel vision. Honestly I’d argue a good portion of fandom is as well. None of that conversation is ultimately about Predathos, it was about the gods and the role they play and the power they use or over-use or deserve. By focusing so intently on what we all already agree is the wrong and bad solution to this problem, we ignore the problem entirely. It’s one of my main issues with Orym’s stance this whole campaign. If we don’t ask what is to be done with the gods, and the campaign just wraps up with “we defeated the bad guys, yay!” well. What of the ruidusborn, who we know are treated unfairly and unkindly and who suffer through no fault of their own. What of the young vanguard members—the kids—who, also, are only guilty of caving to the idea of peace. What of Aeor, what of Ludinus—what of the cycle that birthed them both. To not engage with the questions being asked for hyperfixating on the Predathos of it all is to leave this campaign, in my opinion, on both a deeply unsatisfying but also deeply hopeless note. The cycle will continue. We may not see it—it may be another thousand, two thousand years before another Ludinus rises—but another Ludinus or Aeor or both will rise, because ultimately no change will have been implemented in the problems which resulted in them.

And—final note, promise—I was talking to a friend about this yesterday but when it comes down to acknowledging the societal implications of downfall, especially in Imogen’s case, I do think it’s going to have to be pointed out first. A lot of Bells Hells are characters who have suffered at the very hands they are trying to save, but also suffered in part and specifically due to a lack of access to knowledge about it all. It does not escape me that the very first scene of campaign three is Imogen attempting to gather knowledge on powers that have made her miserable for a decade and being unable to access them in a library due to her station. That is, to me, more and more becoming the underpinning theme of this campaign—especially as all Ludinus is doing in this moment with the Occultus Thalamus is displaying it; again, obviously Ludinus is wrong in his means (and arrogant in his assumptions that just because of his failures that no one else could find a solution) but this, specifically, the spreading of knowledge—that, I 100% find myself in agreeance with. So it’s not that they won’t understand what characters like Ashton and Dorian, both hyperaware of the implications of power here, are or will be saying. It’s that they literally do not know to think about it like that. Why would they. It has been intentionally kept from them.

Anyway I have no idea if that was uh. Sufficient Enough of an answer adksfjd at some point I just started yapping but! I’m intrigued, especially because of Dorian’s adamant belief, in what conclusions they’ll draw moving forward as the discussions truly begin! Hopefully! Hopefully they will discuss it!

#imogen temult #ashton greymoore #critical role #critical role spoilers #bells hells #ludinus da'leth #laudna #i could make a whole post on ashton and imogen and how they are both punks #and the difference between angry big city punk and the knowledge and perspective of constantly seeing abuses of power #vs the sad small town punk whose perspective was solely isolation and ostracization rather than having the means to witness systemic abuse #in quite the same way #and uh. the orym of it all. yeah i could talk about the orym of it alll for quite a while lol #anyway. back to tempering my expectations for the delilah of it all 😔

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sleepytownez · 1 year

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Luocha Analysis + Theories

Ok I'm going to actually get my thoughts out about Luocha - who, as a character is incredibly suspicious even without knowledge of HI3

This took a while to compile so I do hope you'll give it a read.

Do take heed: There is a minor beta spoiler for one of Luocha's lightcones, but there is no story spoilers of any sort (even I stay away from those.)

please enjoy!

1. The coffin

Alright, I have a lot to say about this part since it's the main point of Interest surrounding his character so far.

So firstly, I don't believe you can take anything Luocha says as the full truth, he definitely lies in some of his dialogue although it is very subtle.

He says, early on when we meet him, that he was supposed to deliver the coffin or whatever was inside to the Xianzhou, yet he seems and even says that he was intending to leave the Luofu while he still had the coffin. This is really odd as it seemingly contradicts what he said before.

(These could be seen as him scheduling but still having enough time to deliver the coffin - however he was in Cloudford where is where nobody is supposed to be and where people would usually get ready to leave. Also a certain voiceline says that most outsiders call the Luofu the Xianzhou but he could still mean a different Xianzhou ship but as I'll get into later, I think it is a lie or he is going there for a different motive than he lets on.)

The main points we learn about the coffin in 1.0 is that he knows the individual inside the coffin, yet it is not a friend, relative, or sweetheart (This was a fun nod to HI3 tho)

You could say nothing is in the coffin anymore but later when Sushang tries to get some answers out if him about it he speaks as if, yes, there is still something or someone inside.

He says they only met once, and owed someone else a favor that required the "delivery" of the coffin and the thing/person inside to the Luofu. (I'll speak more on what I think of this later)

An interesting point that was brought up and that I do not believe is coincidental is that right after Kafka tells the MC how Aeons can die we cut right to Luocha explaining the same thing. He also stares at the Coffin whilst explaining how even Aeons will eventually die and reach the end of their life. This isn't a coincidence.

It relates to something, though we don't know yet. Sure he could be explaining in relation to death with the thing in the coffin but that seems too unimportant to be drawing so much attention to, mind you?

Whatever is in the coffin is very important and lore relevant, and I don't think there is any way it isn't.

(I'll get onto theories and more info at the end and in his Lightcones section)

2. The way his English voice actor speaks (with small notes from his JP one)

This may seem like a null point but I do think it is worth bringing up.

His English voice actor was given directions on how to act and this is very common with any actor, especially one like Luocha where what he says is important and has more than one way to interpret or say.

Lines like this one (image above) could be said with a flat or informing voice, or a kind and straightforward voice, what's important to note is that the voice actor, doesn't say it like that.

He speaks as if he is weary, he pauses at points that don't make sense when reading it, but gives off the appearance of being careful with what he's saying and is uncomfortable? Or uneasy with the subject at hand.

He also switches from a medium level of speaking to a very low voice, which is actually jarring and seems very odd (you could chalk this up to bad acting but by going thru the story you would see that this isn't the case and he is very talented.)

What important is that he seems to want to move on from the topic as soon as possible and even shortens his answers to simply yes or no, as if he wanted to quickly move the subject along - and when he couldn't he gave an inconclusive answer and forced the subject to be dropped.

(right here he gives the most vague and inconclusive answer he can give to end the conversation, he is ending it without really answering anything.)

(Stops the conversation.)

This is going away from the voice acting but I do think it adds to his unease and him ending the conversation the way he did.

Lastly I would like to talk about his JP voice actor at the end of Myriad Celestia Trailer: History of the Xianzhou.

I've seen a few people say that Luocha seems too happy at the end and that he sounds eerily like HI3 Otto, and I would have to agree, something is definitely up.

Also it is very interesting that he makes an appearance in this trailer and to me only solidifies his lore importance.

Also for who he is talking to it's the scared teacher man (Master Gongshu) and as of right now I can't figure out why Luocha would feel the need to talk to him to learn all this information.

3. Voice Lines From Other Characters

The voice lines are things I don't think many have looked into in a theory lens, but I have and I want to share my findings.

There isn't too much but Tingyun and Jing Yuan have very interesting lines I would love to dive into but first let's get the others outta the way.

Nothing too interesting of note here except the immortality line, there are a couple back ups to support what she is saying but simply not enough for me to consider this thus far.

The weak part is what I focused on and it does make me wonder if Luocha also had the same sickness Otto from HI3 had as a kid? Just things to think about.

Nothing really of note at all in this one but I do think it is funny he thinks Luocha's coffin is a 'sword casket' - though now that I do think about it this lends even more evidence to his words being lies since he was supposed to deliver it - although perhaps the coffin and the body do not come as a package.

ALRIGHT. This one is really fascinating. This proves that he was probably lying about having a meeting with Tingyun, or at least that he had it planned beforehand. Also, he is apparently not on record. The Whistling Flames is a merchant guild and Luocha says he has been to the Luofu many times as a merchant and traveller, this is very very odd. Makes me wonder if he is even a merchant at all.

Not to mention that Tingyun states that she can't remember him and that is weird. This is weird! She lives here and is IN the merchant guild, the fact that she's never seen him lends even more proof that he is also lying about being a merchant or at least being here before!

This is for Jing Yuan, and I honestly think it explains why he is watching Luocha in the Lightcone I'll discuss later

he shares that he doesn't think many merchants would act like him - like they didn't want or were in a hurry to do business at all. Makes it seem like he wasn't here to do business or be a merchant at all. I think Jing Yuan is very suspicious of Luocha and Luocha knows this (hence, lightcone.)

Also this is backed up by what Luocha says about Jing Yuan:

"The general not only knows how to reveal other people's intentions, but also skillfully hides his own and does it spectacularly. When you want to "prove" something, you have to be careful."

Anyway I think I'll touch more on this later, during the theory section but this is wild.

4. Lightcones

First up we have the one currently in the game

The description reads:

"On a bustling street he walks and walks. The sunlight closely follows his footsteps.

He makes a stop and picks up an umbrella to shade himself from the sun …and from that prying gaze."

this is obviously referring to Jing Yuan, who is keeping a close eye on him due to his odd manners. Luocha is aware of Jing Yuan watching him and picks up an umbrella to hide himself. This shows that Luocha probably knows of Jing Yuan's suspicions, however for some reason instead of trying to change Jing Yuan's mind, he simply hides himself from him. Perhaps he wishes to simply avoid him yet we do not know yet.

This one isn't in the game yet, and although it will be soon, this is a minor spoiler warning.

Next we have this one - and oh boy this one does imply a whole lot.

The description reads:

"Under the watch of the white irises, he knocks on the coffin. "Sometimes I feel I underestimated you by proposing this deal."

He receives no response other than a thorny branch piercing through his palm.

Yet he smiles, and tightly grasps the thorn, "Indeed. This is how it is. We wanted to use each other, and both ended up underestimating each other."

This is SO much. This teases so much it is actually insane how much it is trying to imply.

First off, it implies that whatever is in the coffin - is alive.

This also makes it seem like the favor itself maybe was a cover up for this "deal" which he seems to have made with the person in the coffin.

Between Luocha and the entity in the coffin, they both had something they wanted to gain from the other, they both probably wanted to take advantage of the deal and each other - but ended up - as they said, underestimating each other.

The entity in the coffin seems to be able to control these "vines" and is seemingly quite unhappy with Luocha or the situation since he stabs his hand.

It's also interesting to note it seems like this Lightcone takes place in a church. There is a lot of symbolism in this, but I am not knowledgeable to say more on it at this time.

I want to get into this right now - and luckily I can because for the last section I have today is -

5. Theories and Possibilities

Ok so first I want to touch on who could be in the coffin, and I've narrowed it down to only two possibilities.

Void Archives

An Aeon

These are the only things that stay consistent with all information we have thus far.

For Void Archives - he fits the description of being not friend nor family, and it would be very fitting for them to have only met once before this situation came to be.

This explains what happened to Void Archives and it also fits very very well with Luocha's second Lightcone description. It fits well with HI3 Otto and VA , and I do think it matches up too well to be something small or insignificant.

even if VA is not in the coffin I am pretty confident he has something to do with Luocha or WILL have something to do with Luocha in the future - it is simply too much of a story opportunity.

As for it being an Aeon - He looks at the coffin while speaking on how Aeons can die - also he bears the name fool in one of his eidolons and one of his skills. This bears resemblance to someone who apparently majorly injured Nanook...the presumably final boss at this point in time, ...and again bares resemblance to Otto from HI3 (a lot of his skills and eidolons have easter eggs).

However these are not end all be all's and it's way to early in the game to make any substantial theories for this. Especially when it could be someone or something completely new.

No, I do not think Kallen is in the box.

While I do think it is a possibility, it is not likely. The way he speaks to the coffin in the lightcone is not one of love - it is of something more serious and important to him, but seemingly in a more dangerous way than a loving way. There is a small allusion to the thorn seemingly about to pierce his heart but I still think that relates to a different symbolism than "Oh it's just Kallen."

Also while there is more evidence I do think Hoyo wants to do something new with his character, however instead of making him good like more people thought, they are probably doing something else.

Luocha placed or activated the Stellaron

I do believe that Luocha either brought the Stellaron or activated it. However with the timeline of events being the way it is, I suspect he simply brought it but did not activate it.

Kafka said that the person who brought it and the person who activated it have different goals, so this makes sense with the lore presented thus far. None the less he came here for a different reason than trading, and of that I am certain.

Ending Thoughts

All in all Luocha is one of the most intriguing Honkai: Star Rail characters and I am very excited as to where they choose to take their story, there are so many unanswered questions and at this point it would be very odd to not elaborate or for him to just be fully good.

This is only as much I could stand to talk about today, I could write even more about his medical usage, his relation to the abundance, his potential to be an emanator and how Dan Heng and Luocha possibly know each other but I think I'll wait until 1.1 comes out, I hope you enjoyed my crazed ramblings haha.

#honkai star rail #hsr #luocha #void archives #hsr theory #I am perfectly sane #*spent 2 hours writing this*#hsr luocha

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riant-draws · 2 months

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You're so big brain yes yes yes moon and younger pebbles thoughts yes I'm eating up your art

First, thank you!! Sorry I took so long to respond ;-; been pretty tired lately and had to give this a lot of thought… perhaps too much… eheheh buckle up, anon, you’re in for an essay~ (also, I know you asked about Moon and younger Pebbles but this is like, 90% an analysis about Pebbles, oops-)

^ excuse me what happened here

also please in mind that these are just my headcanons (although some of them are very closely tied to canon, which is why I’ll be referencing some pearls) sooo uhh yeah! rambles under the cut!

To talk about Pebbles as a “kid” (in quotes because I don’t believe iterators have a childhood or developmental period that can effectively be compared to humans), I first have to talk about his construction—mostly because it was so unique.

When reading the pale green pearl (exterior) to Artificer, Pebbles mentions that his construction was very controversial among the council. And, when given to Moon, one of the white pearls reads:

“‘We, of the Five-hundred-and-ninety-second High Convocation of the True Anointed Citadel, do hereby demand, with full force of Law and Religious doctrine, an Immediate end to construction of the Apostate Superstructure Abomination. To place shadow upon the Divine Body of the True Anointed Citadel is outrageous blasphemy and cannot be tolerated, no matter the circumstances...’ Clearly this was ignored.”

As we can see in the game, Pebbles was built mostly on top of what’s now Shaded Citadel—which really pissed off the monks and religious leaders of the True Anointed Citadel, a very holy site. While talking to Artificer, he speaks casually and plainly, so you can assume that he didn’t mind their disdain for him. Granted, by the time of Arti’s campaign, all his citizens are long gone, so perhaps he just doesn’t care about their opinions anymore (if he ever did to begin with). But. When he was still brand new, he would have had to listen to so much hate directed at him, all for simply existing. While I did say earlier that I don’t think iterators have developmental stages like humans do, they definitely still mature and develop. Just because you’re created with an adult brain doesn’t mean that you’re automatically mature and experienced. Even Pebbles reflects on how he’s changed while reading the viridian pearl (garbage wastes):

“[…] much of my early work was encrypted before storage. Though my younger self has done a very poor job. […] now I can just see all of the holes in it. Created from a youthful and reticent mentality.”

So, clearly, iterators do learn and grow. But getting back on topic, I imagine that especially since Pebbles was very young when all that hate was piled on him, it would’ve been traumatic. Additionally, it’s implied (again, mainly in the pale green pearl) that he’s not exclusively hated. The pearl’s author clearly doesn’t want to piss Pebbles off, and they also state that one problematic House “[has] less than forty members on the Council, but still Tilt the spiritual Discourse with Our Iterator in a direction that most obviously Displeases him, and is hardly High Held by anyone in the Community either! We can not Risk this!”

(Of course, the pearl’s author is probably biased so who knows if they’re a reliable source of info or not, but there’s no way to verify that and hey it’s in the game after all so I’m just gonna roll with it.) This means that there are citizens (possibly even the majority) who actually like him, or at least want to remain in his good graces. With him. Y’know. Being responsible for their livelihoods and all. And you might think: great! Pebbles isn’t being universally hated! Well. The outpourings of both love and hate from his creators would create such a toxic environment and cause a lot of cognitive dissonance in him: he’s adored, even worshiped, a proud iterator revered as a godlike figure. But on the other hand, he’s despised, called horrible things like “Apostate Superstructure Abomination,” generally told he has no right to exist, etc etc. And this probably went on for years and years (or whatever the in-universe equivalent is). That would wear down anybody’s self-esteem. Which, in canon, you can see echoes of those thought patterns when the storyline takes place, who knows how long later. This stuff has affected him deeply.

All of this to say, I think his arrogance and god complex (that he displays in canon) are coping mechanisms—whether he’s aware of it or not. He tells himself that he’s “godlike in comparison” to everything that walks this forsaken world, that he’s so much better. In doing so, he runs from his mistakes and doesn’t process his emotions and traumas, generally making a bigger mess of himself. Because to admit the truth would be to admit that he’s broken, that he’s lonely, that he hates himself, I could go on but this isn’t getting any shorter aha…

Moooooving on, not to state the obvious, but it’s heavily implied throughout various pearls and bits of dialogue that Pebbles was one of the last iterators ever built. Given that he was constructed far closer (relatively speaking) to the time of public mass ascension and the fact that Moon was struggling to care for them, his creators would’ve likely been desperate (and perhaps a bit sloppy) while building him. As a result, the parts of him responsible for regulating his emotions and decision-making (his equivalent of a prefrontal cortex) are stunted, as that would’ve been one of the last things to develop. All of this just contributes to his, well, susceptibility to mental health issues/instability. Yaaaay.

side note: I also headcanon that iterator cans are more grown than built. When reading the light pink pearl (outskirts), Moon mentions that structures are infused with microbes that initiate healing cycles that gradually heal and waterproof broken structures. While she’s likely referring to structures on the ground, it would make sense that at least all parts of an iterator below the rain layer would be made in the same fashion. And if you take the bronze pearl (Metropolis), for instance, Moon tells the player that “It’s a blueprint for a type of large immobile purposed organism. This one seems to be specifically for the cities built on top of our structures. […] newer designs began to use a mass-produced cellular build called living blocks,” she’s basically saying that the buildings on top of Pebbles and other newer iterators are primarily organic. So why not grow large parts of their superstructures as well? We already know that iterators are partly biological, and also, growing them certainly would make a lot of the construction process at least semi-autonomous. And this way, the ancients wouldn’t have to risk their lives to go below the rain layer and work on his legs, underhang, etc.

Time for one of my favorite headcanons! And one that’s much more headcanon-y than the others lol, that is, Pebbles’ puppet being child-sized. Big head, big eyes, sorta stubby limbs, rounder features (except his antennae, those are triangles for some reason ffs lol idk what I’m doing) etc. First (and more boring) reason is that if Moore’s law applies in some form in-universe (not an all-important Law of Science or anything, just an observed trend meaning that as time goes on and developments improve, tech gets both smaller/more space-efficient and better), that means Pebbles shouldbe both one of the most powerful iterators and one of the smallest. But if the whole reason e was built was to provide a home to Moon’s citizens because she couldn’t care for them very well anymore (deep green pearl, Metropolis—this is Moon’s reading, but Pebbles’ is interesting, too), why would they make his can smaller? Simple: they didn’t. Instead, his can has more empty space inside it as components are smaller, and his puppet is tiny. Like. Waist-high on an ancient.

Another reason he was designed to look childlike was to try to make him look as appealing & likeable to the public as possible. With how controversial his construction was, his creators and whatever equivalent of a marketing team they employed would’ve hoped to sway the monks and everybody who strongly opposed his construction, like, “look! he’s just a little guy! look at those pink cheeks! you wouldn’t hate a ‘kid’, would you?!?” (spoiler alert: they would)

But as consequence, his image was very marketable soooooooo

yeah idk man pebbles plushie canon

On the more angsty side of things, unfortunately for Pebbles, many ancients and even other iterators (looking at you, Sig and Suns) didn’t take him very seriously since he permanently looks like a kid. This just added fuel to the fire, making him even more frustrated and feeling unheard. Just. All of it is such a bad situation.

Moon, of course, sees how he’s being treated by his citizens (who used to be hers, and she wasn’t fond of them anyway) and her own peers, she knows it’s so harmful to him, but what can she do? She may be the local group senior and his administrator, but he strikes me as having such an independent personality (yay more stuff caused by trauma) that he feels like he’s caught in her shadow, perhaps. “Looks to the Moon’s little brother.” So he probably isn’t… very receptive to her attempts to build him up, but man, she still tries. And it’s worth mentioning that he’s also a workaholic, so he always thinks that he has “better things to do” than, say, spending time with his sister.

I bet she’d still try to play games with Pebbles (and he’d probably indulge her on occasion), show him cool things, engage him in conversation, try to get him to talk about his interests, etc., all to bond with him and get to know him better. And he’s a stubborn little piece of work, sure, but he genuinely does care for her (it’s in canon and shows up in several places).

I could say more but this has gone on long enough, but I do wanna clarify that while I don’t support his decisions or actions, his motivations are understandable. my guy is a dude who was put into a horrible situation and screwed over from the beginning. sure, all the stuff he’s been through doesn’t excuse his garbage, sometimes immature behavior in canon, but it certainly explains it. (good lord, I could write an essay on how he’s changed by the time of Rivulet’s campaign alone) uh anyway he’s a fascinating character who I spend too much time thinking about thank you for reading if you made it this far lol

(also, gotta say that a lot of these apply to my fic, too, shameless plug and some of them have already been mentioned or alluded to in it—it’s a time-travel fix-it that starts waaay back in the past so if that’s your thing, hey XD)

#long post #a literal essay #ramblings #rain world #five pebbles #rw five pebbles #looks to the moon #rw looks to the moon #headcanon time #iterating fate #because all of this is relevant to my fic lol #who would've guessed #ask

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brehaaorgana · 2 months

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You still do not understand the point. You are not Black. Therefore your analysis of the situation is not warranted or needed. You should instead, reblog Black bloggers, repost (with credit and links) from Black users of other social media and donate to Black people in need. Adding another non Black voice on the topic of antiblack racist violence is never helpful. You are not the exception.

Okay, so first, I think this is inherently going to be a difficult conversation since you're anonymous.

second, I think we're talking past each other here, and genuinely, I'm not really sure why you think it's unhelpful for me to tell non-black people to stop and ask themselves some questions about a call by a non-black person to go watch a black woman be murdered by the police. I didn't make a huge callout post or demand anything or insist anything.

this is i guess point three, but: in all my time in the world thus far, it has been understood that I, as a non-black person, should tell my fellow non-black people when they don't have the right to decide something or say something or demand something regarding antiblackness or black people.

Like...genuinely, did we stop doing "Somebody come get your cousin?" on the social justice internet in the last decade for some reason?

Was I NOT supposed to say anything when fellow non-black people were trying to make choices/claims/whatever that aren't theirs to make, because we're not black? am i not, as a non-black person, supposed to speak up if i see something potentially problematic about non-black people's behavior towards violence against black people, particularly police brutality and murder, and ask them to THINK ABOUT IT?

also this is just....a Real Take. Like.

i've had my literal (mexican-american, cop) uncle blocked on facebook since Freddie Gray was murdered in 2015 because I told him he was being antiblack, which he was.

was i supposed to just phone a black friend to do the emotional labor of telling him he was being antiblack since non-black people can't speak on the topic of antiblack racist violence? That's sort of what you're implying here.

anyways anon i edited my other post, so here you are:

Black Voices on the topic of Viral videos of Police Killings of Black People:

PBS: White people don’t understand the trauma of viral police-killing videos by Dr. Monnica Williams.

Al Jazeera: Videos of police brutality can perpetuate Black trauma — The wanton display of footage of violent Black deaths re-traumatises Black communities and promotes racist tropes.

Sage Perspectives: When Black Death Goes Viral: How Algorithms of Oppression (Re)Produce Racism and Racial Trauma

Jstor Daily: Viral Black Death: Why We Must Watch Citizen Videos of Police Violence

This whole book: Bearing Witness While Black: African Americans, Smartphones, and the New Protest #Journalism

What to Consider before Watching Videos of Police Brutality

the New Republic: What Does Seeing Black Men Die Do for You? (Apparently re-titled as: Videos of Police Killings Are Numbing Us to the Spectacle of Black Death)

NPR's Codeswitch: A Decade Of Watching Black People Die

hope that works.

edit -- also for context my full comments:

brehaaorgana

Genuinely (as someone who has handled graphic original photo print documentation of genocide/war crimes before)*** I don't see a reason to make a spectacle of a video recording of a black woman's murder by cops in order to understand what happened. It's just not necessary to do. Being a direct eyewitness to this kind of thing is not always necessary or even something desired by surviving family/community/friends.

bolding my own. Generals and specifics my own.

Someone replied:

I mostly agree with you, but I do think there's something to be said about how disconnected most of us feel from these issues, I think sometimes it does help to actually see it, if you can handle it, and if it's done respectfully with intent to educate. I have a lot of thoughts on this that won't fit in a reply.

My response:

that's fair, I also have a lot of thoughts that won't fit in a reply. Another (less about ethics) concern I had was jury contamination when this goes to court. But in general I think it's not…great to encourage people to make a spectacle of black people being murdered, especially in the US, & especially given the horrific history of using black murders as a recreational visual consumption activity by non-black ppl in the US. basically I would say there's a lot of questions I believe ppl need to ask of themselves if they do this. "who decides if, how, and when it is respectful for you/me to watch someone's murder? How does seeing it in the wild on the internet ensure an educational understanding? How is watching a black murder today different from when people made souvenir photos of black lynchings in the past? What makes it different? Does watching murder teach me something new? like ultimately I don't need an answer from anyone or even your answer specifically. That's all hypotheticals. but there's a huge amount of labor, ethical & legal guidelines, praxis theory & usually multiple degreed people that goes into things like "presenting [community traumas and state violence] the Atlantic Slave Trade or Holocaust or Trail of Tears in meaningful, educational, and respectful contexts" and ppl encouraging folks watching a horrific murder online aren't…engaging in any of that.

Someone else just replied to me:

@brehaaorgana thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in such a thoughtful, understanding, & appropriately serious manner. You never admonished but you certainly didn't mince your words/hold back from implying that this is anything but superfluous, unnecessary, and garish. Watching is nothing but gawking, when details and precise relaying of the event exists. One doesn't need to watch to understand that the cop is repellent & unqualified to be armed w/ authority. I don't care how much it helps you to "engage"; you've now admitted that you're watching the butchering of a human life for a self-serving purpose, even if that purpose is part of an otherwise commendable effort to remain informed and critical.

idk i feel pretty okay saying i, personally, am wary of personally making a spectacle of black people being murdered by police.

***I've obviously been to holocaust museums, native american museums, black american history museums, and so on, but I am referring specifically here to personally handling albums of photos taken and developed by Japanese soldiers during World War II while working in a museum research context.

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megamikmini · 2 months

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My dream redesigned Slenderman with the most BOMB design choices I've ever seen: an analysis of key character points and how a subconscious thought blew every design I've ever seem out of the water

I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that people don't really take this design anywhere. It's the same blank white face, suit, and sometimes you can throw in a splash of color with a red tie

But all that changes with this design.

Boys.... we've missed out on so much potential it's CRAZY

Key point 1: blank face. In my dream he came from a distance, and as I have bad vision he looked just the same as usual (I dream about the dude a concerning amount. A lot of the time, as with this one, I spend the dream constantly keeping an eye out for him, making plans of escape or spots to hide, until the end where I get chased into a corner and the dream ends. Of course, some of them are like "yo! It's my boss!👉👉" ) but back on topic: he got closer to me and as I scramble realizing I'm caught in a corner I turn around and... it's not a pale blank slate. It's a man, pale skin, tall, in a suit and tie, sure, but -- it wasn't an artificial pale. It was a real person, and he had intricate, white lace ribbon wrapped around his shaved bald head, covering his features (not everything) very purposely. It was ornate, definitely intentional. Then, like you take off earings before a fight, he took them off

Part 2: no eyes, always watching. He had actual human features underneath. Something in dream me knows he was white Egyptian, but most notably staying true to character, he had no eyes. Instead of them just being missing, with skin laying over where they were supposed to be, they were instead simply missing, like regular, underdeveloped eyes! I'll try and find a photo. It was very obvious he could see, because at this point I chucked the ice in my drink at him and it kind of force fielded off, so I threw the cup at him and he caught it and looked at me like I was an idiot XD Anyways, point being dude could see - well - and he had full intention of bashing my head in

Part 3: asshole attitude. Yes, slenderman is your dad and yada-yada, but that's fannon, and I'm talking about cannon. This is the guy who ruined Kate's life from day 1, chasing her down and making her go slowly insane until she broke. Same with CR. Same with Charlie, and the whole Matheson family for that matter. And that's just from one game! We could look at Marbel hornets and the Operator, with Alex being led around like a puppet even after his girlfriend is killed, he's stalked into oblivion, and has his mind distorted until he believes the only think he can do is off everyone he's ever cared about to "cure the sickness". That's one guy out of SO MANY in that whole series who's life was decimated by this dude. And dream Slenderman, redesign and all, lived up to the potential.

I spent the entire dream, with different plot points, adventures, people to meet, etc all just waiting for this guy to turn up. Every time I was alone I'd check my back. Every chance I got I'd arrange stuff to find a box, plant, or open door to dissappear behind. And yet, he found me, backed into a corner without a way out. Most dream slendermen kind of just appear there, look menacing, then I get brain-fried or whatever else. This guy had intention. This guy was power walking at me, full speed, ready to physically beat me for whatever I did. Taking off his decoration so I could watch his face and know he was serious

Crazy! 10/10 would experience again

#slenderman #slender the arrival #slenderverse #slender the eight pages #marble hornets #character redesign #oh. my. god.#never before has my subconcious been this creative!

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littlepadika · 5 months

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ttpd thoughts... 🤍

The concept of a post mortem, at first, seemed to suggest we were conducting an autopsy on a relationship, or a man, but in fact it is a post mortem of Taylor, herself. She says she presents herself before us for judgement.

And after listening to the album this feels completely the right take. There's mention of emotional infidelity, sin, violence, anger, revenge. It was unsettling at times even. She is much less of a victim than some would like to believe. And it's crazy to imagine writing an album about your flaws like you're collecting evidence for your own trial!

Her humor has developed as well through her self analysis. "Narcotics in all my songs" was a cheeky line. The way she says "you should see your faces" because she knew people would react strongly to that line in "but daddy I love him". "Vipers dressed in empaths clothing seems particularly pointed at certain people". "I cry a lot, but I am so productive, it's an art" Are we ready to sit with that? She is telling jokes both at her own expense (we've seen that before) but now at our, the fans, expense. I laughed :) It is hilarious. Yes please call us out!

Even topics she has written about before, like the constant threat of being replaced as a female musician, are explored in new ways. She touched the topic in Nothing new, Lucky One, Anti Hero, but in Clara Bow and Who's Afraid of Little Old Me it becomes more tragic because it's no longer hypothetical. It has already happened.

The concept of emotional infidelity has been written about before, but in this album (and maybe because we think it was 🐀 heely) it isn't as exciting as Glitch or Gorgeous. But is it ever really fun?

She applied every lesson from Midnights. Longer songs. More Aaron Dessner and evermore vibes. More real instruments.

I hope that when the initial fever dies down we can enjoy these songs as an evaluation of Taylor and not the men she's dated. I think people, including myself, wondered if this album would be like a long gossip session. Full of marvel esque fan service. But it isn't that easy. And maybe if we know her business we think we would feel closer to her but in fact, in her metaphors and imagery she offers something much more intimate.

I'm looking forward to digging in and sitting in all the feelings. So exciting!!!

Some hot takes ☕️ :

I like the Jack Antanoff production on this album for the most part (more than midnights).

Some of those 2am songs should have been on the original run, in lieu of certain *cough cough* songs. the alchemy was a little too close to that tik tok parody, but we won't talk about that

She chose the wrong single. Should be I can do it with a broken heart.

This was the most Fearless, Speak Now, Red album we've gotten in years! 2am picked up right where Evermore left off.

#ttpd #taylor swift #taylor nation #the tortured poets department #now back to our regular programming #i'm not going to tell you how to enjoy things but some of you aren't enjoying it and i think i know why...

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marmixedwithabitofintellect · 2 years

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Chapter Three: Understanding

Chapter 3 is finally here!! I have enjoyed writing this chapter so much especially because of all the topics it covers! I have loved it so much and it definitely is my favorite in this story so far 🥹✨ Come talk to me after you read and tell me what you think! All the love 🤍 Mar

Disclaimer: In no way do I wish to spread hate or negative opinions about any of the characters here depicted, this is just fiction and with the purpose of entertaining you guys

February 14, 2022 – March 13, 2022: Month Three

October 16, 2014

Boston, Massachusetts. 7:35 AM.

The smell of coffee was welcome on this fall day, for once I had made it on time to Professor Jameson’s class and was able to buy my coffee. The class started filling up with students from all over campus since “Political Analysis of the 21st Century” was a common core subject for a lot of majors and minors, including mine.

After a series of arguments with my parents they agreed to let me get my bachelor’s degree with a major in Communications and a minor in Graphic Design, and so far, I have loved every single moment. Upon the recommendation of juniors and seniors I decided to get done with the common core subjects first, hence the reason I was here sitting at one of the biggest halls at Boston University waiting for my professor.

While I was reviewing my notes someone cleared their throat, I turned to look at him and I had to hold my breath, he was tall and lean, head full of loose curls, brown eyes full of kindness hidden behind a delicate frame and a smile to die for, “Hi, are you Y/N?” I stared for a few before I cleared my throat and nodded

“Yeah, that’s me”, his smile grew bigger if that was possible, “We got partnered up for the midterm project, I tried to catch you last class but had no luck”, I chuckled, “Yeah, I tend to get out as soon as I can, but thank you for reaching out”, he nodded and took the empty seat next to mine, “No problem, hey why don’t you give me your phone so we can work a schedule or something”

I nodded and reached into my bag for a post-it, scribbled down my phone number and handed it to him, he smiled before speaking up in a half whisper since Professor Jameson had arrived, “Thank you, I’m Matthew by the way”, I smiled, “Nice to meet you Matthew”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 12:30 PM.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I felt someone squeeze my arm, I opened and closed my eyes wanting to make sure I was not dreaming, however when I opened them, I came across the smile that a few years ago had me weak on my knees, Matthew chuckled before speaking up, “I’m sorry, I guess old habits die hard”

I chuckled, “How are you? It’s been a few years”, he nodded before asking, “About four or five I reckon?”, I nodded. Harry then cleared his throat and I turned to see him, he had a strained smile on his face and was silently asking who the man standing in front of us was, “Oh! Where are my manners? Matthew this is Harry”, he smiled before offering his hand to shake, “Harry it is a pleasure to meet you”

He nodded and curtly answered, “Yeah you too”, they both pulled back before I cleared my throat, “So, do you live here now?”, he nodded, “Well not really, I’m in the process of moving”, a ding from his phone had him checking the message before sighing, “I’m sorry, I have to go, but I hope to see you soon yeah? Maybe catch up?”, I nodded, “Yes of course”, he nodded before turning to look at Harry, “Nice to meet you Harry”, Harry gave him a tight-lipped smile, “You too”

And as he pulled back, I felt myself get lost on memories before Harry squeezed my hand, “Hey, everything okay?”, I smiled at him and nodded, “Yes baby, just surprised I guess”, I cleared my throat before squeezing his hand back, “Shall we?”, he nodded and reached to kiss my temple while we made our way to the museum.

February 20, 2015

Boston, Massachusetts. 9:30 PM

The party was in full swing when the girls and I got there, Chelsea went to look for her boyfriend while Cassie and I searched for Otto and Davie, the four of us were studying communication and had become a very close group of friends. A few minutes later we could see Otto’s blonde man bun and standing next to him was Davie with his favorite Red Sox cap and beside him was another tall man.

When Otto saw us, he smiled and waved to us, and as we were making our way to where he was standing Davie and the mysterious guy turned, and when he did, I stopped in my tracks, it was Matthew. I could see a flash of recognition and a smile on his face before he smirked, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my favorite partner”, I laughed before saying hello to them and pulling each of them into a hug and stopping to stand next to him.

“It’s good to see you! How have you been? How is junior life treating you?”, he smiled and nodded, “Good, good, working on my dissertation and final credits, and you? How is freshman life?”, I sighed, “It’s interesting, but I cannot wait for it to be over”, he laughed, “Oh you’ll regret saying that soon”, I smirked, “Speaking from experience?” he nodded.

I did not realize but soon enough we were left alone, and we decided to go sit to the back patio next to the bonfire where we delved into a conversation about anything and everything. And as we were sitting there, I realized I could get used to this, conversation on never-ending topics, a feeling of ease and well, looking at his handsome face. I was pulled back from my thoughts when Cassie made her way to me, an apologetic look all over her face

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have to wake up in about four hours so we should sleep”, I stood up and nodded before turning to look at Matthew, before I could speak up he blurted, “Go on a date with me”, my heart started beating faster after he said this, I pretended to ponder for a few before giving him a small smile and nodding, “I would love to”, he smiled

“I’ll text you the details, yes?”, I nodded and reached in to place a kiss on the corner of his lips before making my way to where Cassie was waiting for me, after we linked our arms, I turned to see Matthew standing there and waving, I gave him a wink and turned back to see where I was walking to.

February 13, 2022

Harry. London, England. 5:00 PM.

Our date at the museum had been everything I expected and more; I had forgotten how much I enjoyed visiting museums and especially with her and being able to share our passion for art with Pippa was everything I ever dreamed of. After we finished visiting the exhibitions, we went to the gift store and bought Pippa a few books and puppets so we could play with her.

We stopped at the café so we could grab a drink and let Pippa feed, and while we waited for her to be done, we discussed what we wanted to do while we were still here and what we would need to get done before leaving for Coachella. About forty minutes later Pip finished feeding and after we made sure we had everything, and she was buckled back in her carrier we made our way to the car and headed home.

Tonight, was bath night and it was Y/N’s turn, while she was busy bathing the baby, I handled the laundry we had definitely been neglected these last few days. I had just finished putting away the last of my t-shirts and changed into some sweats when the bathroom door opened and out came my girls, I smiled and went to grab Pippa from her arms and kissing her cheek multiple times, “Hi little bug, oh you smell so nice! Did you thank mumma for your bath?”

Y/N smiled and went to the closet to change into some cozy loungewear, when she came out, we headed downstairs for our evening routine. Rain had started to fall since we got home which had us cooking some Minestrone soup and garlic bread for dinner and while everything was ready, we sat down in the living room, Pippa was laying on my knees and Y/N cuddled to my side and started playing with her tiny hand.

There was a question that had been nagging me since we ran into Matthew a few hours ago, and truly I did not want to ruin our day, but I knew that if I kept quiet it would not be good, so I took a deep breath, kissed her forehead and half whispered to her, “It was him, wasn’t he?”, after a few moments of silence I felt her nod her head.

I swallowed the lump of anxiety I could feel was stuck in my throat before speaking, “Do you… do you want to talk about him?”, she nodded again before whispering, “Let’s eat and put her to sleep and then we’ll talk okay?”, now it was my turn to nod and kiss her head in reassurance while she cooed at the baby who was enthralled with the attention that she was getting from her mumma.

August 20, 2015

Boston, Massachusetts. 2:45 PM

My plane had just landed and the only thing I really wanted to do was run to Matthew’s apartment. He had been in Washington for the whole summer working, we had been able to see each other a few times but truly it had not been enough.

After that first date back in February we had continued to see each other until he asked me to be his girlfriend in April. May brought the end of the semester and a few tears with a promise to see each other during summer and a much-awaited reunion in August. Once I got out of the plane I ran across the airport and picked up my bags in baggage claim, ordered an Uber and made my way to the dorms.

I dropped my bags and decided to take a shower before leaving to see him; however, a knock on my door had me furrowing my brows and quickly running to open it, when I did, I found Matthew standing there, a bouquet of daffodils in his hand and a smile adorning his face.

I smiled before letting him in and pulling him into a hug, “What are you doing here?”, he kissed the top of my head multiple times before muttering, “It’s been too long Birdie, I missed you and couldn’t wait”, I smiled and nuzzled into his arms before kissing his pec and pulling back a little, “I missed you too hot stuff”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 7:30 PM.

After we finished eating dinner and cleaning the kitchen Harry said good night to Pippa and I headed upstairs, I sat down in the loveseat in our room and started feeding her; as I did, I took the time to grasp the fact that she now was two months old, her personality was definitely showing through, and she is starting to look like a complete mix between Harry and me.

After a feeding, a diaper change and a little sway and kisses she was fast asleep, I settled her into the cot, turned on the monitor and headed downstairs to meet Harry, I smiled when the smell of apple and cinnamon filled my nostrils, and my suspicions were confirmed when I entered the kitchen and found him brewing some apple cinnamon tea.

When he saw me come in, he smiled and handed me the big cup we had made a few years back during a pottery class, it was definitely well loved and held a lot of memories. We turned off the lights in the kitchen and settled in the T.V. room, the fire was on, and soft music played throughout the speakers.

And as we sipped our tea, I took my sweet time studying Harry’s look; there was something bothering him, and he was conflicted about it too. I could bet it had to do with Matthew and the run-in we had today, but as I had learned with Cece my therapist, I would need to let him speak and not pressure him to do so.

We sat there in silence for a few before he spoke up, “Were you shocked?”, I turned to look at him, “Hmm?”, he gave me a small smile, “Matthew, were you shocked you ran into him?”, I sighed and nodded, “Very”, he nodded too before taking a sip of his tea.

March 25, 2016

Boston, Massachusetts. 9:00 PM

After unlocking the door, I was met with the pleasant smell of Bolognese pasta and my favorite chocolate cake. Soft music was heard through the whole apartment and Matthew’s humming made me smile. After dropping my bag and keys, I removed my shoes and made my way to the kitchen.

I smiled when I saw him finishing plating our dinner, “Hi darling”, he turned and gave me a smile before dropping the plates on the table, “Hi Birdie! Happy birthday!”, he walked to where I was standing and pulled me into a hug, “Thank you babe”, once we pulled back, we made our way to the kitchen where I was welcomed by the smell of Italian food, a personal favorite at the moment.

I was distracted with dinner before Matthew cleared his throat; when I turned, I smiled at him, he was standing there with a big bouquet of daffodils and a gift bag in hand, we both started walking and met halfway, after he handed me my gifts, he kissed my temple before I pulled him into a hug.

Once we pulled back, he started cooking again and I went in search of a vase to put my flowers, while fixing them I spoke up, “Thank you for the daffodils, they’re so beautiful Momo”, I turned and gave him small smile which he returned and continued to serve dinner. I helped him bring the salad and bread to the table while he carried our pasta plates.

And as the soft music played, we started eating and catching up on everything we had missed about each other since the last time we had seen each other two days ago. Being a junior and trying to finish getting all credits while working on projects was very tiring, but I knew at the end it would be worth it.

After we finished dinner Matthew picked up our dinner plates, I was pulling out the dessert plates while he went into the fridge, when he turned, he had a small chocolate cake in his hands; and after he placed it on the table and lit up the candle, we both sang ‘Happy Birthday’, and just before I blew out the candle, he told me to make a wish.

So, I closed my eyes, placed my hands over my heart and made my wish, I wish for a life of adventures, love, and happiness, I opened my eyes again and blew out the candle while he clapped for me.

February 13, 2022

Harry. London, England. 7:30 PM.

A million thoughts ran through my head; was the surprise good or bad? Either way why was she so quiet? Did she miss him? Did she love him still? No, please no, I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Alice had told me that I shouldn’t keep quiet my fears and doubts, but the question is, am I willing to learn the truth and live with it?

She squeezed my hand before asking, “Hey, what’s in your head? Talk to me, yeah?”, I nodded, sat up straighter and turned to look at her, “I know you have told me about your story with Matthew, but I have always felt like there was a part of it that you kept quiet, and I never tried to peak into it”, she nodded, and I took a deep breath.

“But I want you to trust me, to share it with me; I want to know you, what lead to your breakup and what I can learn from it to make our relationship, if you want us to have one, better”, she smiled, “You got me physically naked already and now you’re getting me emotionally naked huh?”, we both laughed at her comment because technically, it was true.

She reached in for my hand and squeezed it before pulling it up to her lips and kissing it and then lowering to her lap, “I agree with you, and you are right, I didn’t give you the whole story, but I need you to know that it had nothing to do with me not trusting you, but with the fact that I was hurt and grieving still”

I nodded before asking her, “Did you ever stop grieving?”, she smiled a little and nodded, “I did, actually”, I smiled, “When?”, “The day I flew to LA to meet a certain singer who had been busy traveling the world, I think you know him?”, a mischievous smile on my face when I answered her, “I may know who you are referring to”, we both laughed before she cleared her throat.

“I’m not going to lie , Matthew was someone really special in my life; you already know how we met and how we started dating”, I nodded, a melancholic faraway look took over her face, “He was my first in so many ways; first love, first kiss, first time, he was the first one to help me pull out of my comfort zone”, there was a feeling at the pit of my stomach I couldn’t identify but I hoped it would disappear soon while she continued to talk.

“Everyone loved him; for my parents he was the perfect future husband: a young handsome guy with a nine to five job, that was a philanthropist on his free time and played tennis at the club and who never missed Sunday Service and Brunch. For me, a guy who didn’t undermine me for our age difference, even if it wasn’t that much and who always said that if I wanted to work I could, or if I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, he would support it too”

Okay now I understood why she had kept so much private about her relationship to him, and God I wished I would’ve stayed quiet, but if we wanted to learn and be better, I would have to. As if she could read my mind she quietly said, “This is why I was so reserved on talking about it, because you are probably overthinking the situation”

I laughed while nodding my head before clearing my throat, “I really don’t want to be cross or rude, but I really don’t find other way to ask a question”, she nodded and I continued, “If he was so perfect, what happened?”, I saw her lip quiver and tears start to line up her lash line, my heart started beating too fast before I reached to pull her into a hug.

Once she was safely in my arms I kissed her neck before whispering, “Baby no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry”, she shook her head and sniffled, “No, don’t apologize”, she pulled back a little and I grabbed her hand and started running my finger down her knuckles, “Harry, before I continue I need you to know that you are the first person I have ever told this to, not even my siblings know”

My mind started running with the worst-case scenarios, but I had an inkling on what she would say, she blew her nose before continuing to speak, “Matthew and I, we never labelled our relationship; yes when people asked if we were dating we said yes and I referred to him as my boyfriend and him to me as his girlfriend, but there was never a lot of fuss around what we were, the only thing we knew for sure was that we loved each other”

I nodded and continued to run my finger over her knuckles while she continued talking, “Once I graduated college we moved to New York together, we were renting this little apartment in the West Village and life was good, I started working for Vogue while he was working at one of the top financial companies” I nodded.

“We had started discussing what were our common goals, we both agreed we wanted to get married, have babies and maybe move to the Upper Side of Manhattan and raise them there, but the answer was always ‘in a few years down the line’, until one day I found myself with a missed period for two weeks and anxiety crawling out of my throat waiting for the test to finish loading”

What? I was not expecting that, and I bet my face could tell how shocked I was because she let out a half chuckle before continuing, “I think it is safe to understand the result the test showed given the situation we are currently in, but that result lead us to a conversation on how ‘a few years down the line’ could be kept for moving and babies, but not for marriage”

She let out a laugh at the shock I bet was displayed all over my face, this was all too much too soon but I was glad we were talking about it, I cleared my throat and spoke up, “He proposed?”, she shrugged her shoulders before answering, “I mean he did not get down on one knee and said the words ‘Will you marry me’, but there was love; we decided we loved each other enough to share a forever together and then he gave me a ring”

I nodded in understanding still processing what I was hearing, “ However the words ‘we really don’t have to make a big deal of this’, and ‘maybe we should keep it to ourselves for a while’ were involved, which at the time seemed to be a comfort, when in reality it should have been a sign”, I gave her a half chuckle and cleared my throat, “How… how long were you two engaged for?”

“Three months, first month and a half was as if nothing had changed, then came the letter to Edinburgh”, I furrowed my brows, “Edinburgh?”, she nodded, “He applied to study a master’s at the University of Edinburgh, when he first told me about it, I even started looking onto programs for me, but I never found one that fulfilled me”

“I still remember the day the letter came, we had just returned from visiting my parents and there it was, sitting in between bills; I still remember how happy he was and how proud he felt of himself, and I did too, I knew how much he had worked for it, but as the excitement of acceptance washed off and reality of what this move meant crashed, I knew deep down what would eventually come”

June 26, 2017

New York City, New York. 8;45 PM

Thunder, rain, and lightning had overtaken the city over the last few hours, the only source of lights coming from the candles I had lit up a while ago. Boxes were staring to line the hallway, and it seemed they were mocking me, knowing what was about to happen.

A key turning inside the lock pulled me out of my thoughts and made the dread wake up again, he went into his routine, closing the door, dropping his keys in the bowl, removing his shoes, and walking to the kitchen where he leaves his work bag.

A few seconds later he appeared at the living room entrance giving me a smile, “Hi Birdie, how was your day huh?”, the nickname was enough for me to start tearing up again, he started making his way to sit next to me, I answered quietly, “Hi Momo, it was good”

He furrowed his brows, “Birdie? What’s going on huh?”, a small sob left my mouth before I covered my eyes and let the tears fall, he placed his hand in my back and started rubbing it, “Birdie… come on”

After I cried for what felt like an eternity and clearing my tears, we sat there in silence, Matthew’s hand not stopped running down my back, I took a deep breath and prayed to the heavens that the correct words would leave my mouth, “I have been thinking a lot in the last few days, about us, the pregnancy scare, the engagement, Edinburgh”, he nodded.

“And I have found myself feeling conflicted every time the reality of what this all means”, he cleared his throat, “Conflicted?”, I nodded and sniffled, “Matthew, I’m not ready”, he squeezed my hand, “We still have a few months Birdie, everything will be okay yeah?”

Silence. An uncomfortable silence I have never experienced, I started toying with the ring that had been sitting on my finger, but instead of feeling joy I felt dread, I dropped my hands before turning to the window and started talking again.

“I know I was the one who said we shouldn’t make a big deal and we should also keep it quiet; I really thought it had to do with us enjoying the moment, but there was always something there, at first I thought it was because of all the newness this would entitle, but truthfully as the weeks have gone by, the uneasiness has grown”

I sniffled, “And I’ve come to realize that… that I’m not ready for it all”, he whispered, “What?”, I sniffled again, “I’m so sorry Matthew, but I’m not ready; this is all coming too soon too fast, and… and I don’t feel the same excitement or dreaminess I felt a few months ago when we talked about it”

Matthew nodded, a solemn look in his face, “And us?”, oh God, a sob left my mouth while I reached to squeeze his hand, “Matthew, you are so special, so unique, you have brought me so much joy, happiness; you showed me a world I didn’t know and for that I love you, and I’m so thankful for you”

A sad smile started adorning his face, a squeeze returned to my hand, “But you’re not in love with me anymore huh?”, I couldn’t look him in the eye while I nodded, a sob leaving my mouth while he pulled me into a hug swaying and shushing while I cried whispering how things were okay.

When we pulled back, he started clearing my tears, while I apologized, “I’m so sorry Matthew”, a smile adorned his face, “Why Birdie? You were honest and your feelings are so valid; I will not lie, it hurts, and I will probably be sad for a while, but everything will be okay, yes?”

I shook my head, “How can you forgive me so easily?”, he kissed my cheek, “Because I love you, and you are special to me, and I’m so grateful we got to share so much and before you start thinking I hate you I don’t, Birdie you’re young, you deserve to live your life, not the life I want or your parents want”

“And if that is not next to me, it is perfectly fine, I just hope that one day we can run into each other again I hope you tell me that your life was everything you wanted it to be, okay?”, I nodded and sniffled, “Thank you Matthew”, he smiled, “Thank you Birdie”

February 13, 2022

London, England. 7:45 PM.

“I moved out the next week into the apartment we now live in, we didn’t keep in touch after that, but it took me a few months to be other the heartache”, Harry sat there a serious look on his face, “And then?”, I smiled.

“And then, I fell in love with my life again, continued to work in free-lance projects, until I landed a very picky client, he’s a pretty famous singer”, he smirked and pretended to think, “I think so, care to tell me more about him?”, I laughed before continuing.

“Well, he hired me to help him with his album, and somewhere along the way we fell in love; but sadly, one day we broke up, and heck was I felt with a broken heart. I had started to learn about living without him, until one day a little tiny plus sign changed our lives forever, and now we are trying to raise a baby and getting to know each other again; after all I never fell out of love with him”

The smile on his face made everything worth it, he reached and pulled me in for a kiss, a kiss that was everything I needed at the moment, I hear you, I love you, thank you for trusting me, when we pulled back, he smiled at me before whispering, “Thank you for sharing this with me, I feel honored that you trust me enough”

“I do Harry, and I want for this to work for us to be together; frankly we both know that if we were to co-parent, we would do It awesome, but I love you and I want to have a relationship with you”, he ran his knuckles down my cheek, “I do too baby, more than anything I want you”

February 14, 2022

Harry. London, England. 4:30 PM.

I had just finished burping Pippa while Y/N was getting ready, my mum was finishing setting up in the guest room; she had agreed to come stay with us for a few days because she missed her granddaughter and future daughter-in-law, a comment that had me laughing every time she told me.

When I heard someone come down the stairs I smiled when I saw it was my mum, she smiled as she started walking to where I was standing with Pippa in the kitchen, “Hi mum, everything okay?”, she nodded and reached for Pippa, after I handed her the baby, she started kissing her forehead.

“Pippa you need to ask your daddy when will he ask your mumma to be his girlfriend again huh? Say ‘Daddy Nana wants to call her daughter in law”, I laughed before turning to the door to check if she was near before leaning in to whisper, “Baby tell your Nana it will be soon, like soon next week” I winked before pulling back while my mum danced a little.

I laughed and turned when I heard footsteps come down the stairs, I walked out of the kitchen to meet her, she looked so beautiful, once she reached the main floor, I pulled her in for a kiss and whispered against her lips, “Well it seems I’m the luckiest man this Valentine’s Day” she laughed before giving me an eskimo kiss before whispering, “Hi handsome”

We started making our way to the kitchen where my mum was finishing her tea, she smiled and walked to Y/N and handed her the baby so she could give her a cuddle before we left, my mum took a sip of her tea before speaking up, “So, what are your plans today loves?”

I smiled before answering, “We have an appointment for a painting class with a friend of Gemma’s and then we have dinner plans; is Darren still planning on coming over?”, she nodded and smiled, I was happy to see my mum falling in love again, Y/N made her way to stand next to me while my mum gave us a questioning look.

“Are you two sure you have no issue if he comes?”, we both shook our heads before Y/N spoke up, “Anne you deserve to have your date, it is the least we could do after you agreed to babysit”, my mum smiled, “I missed my girl, so this makes me happy. I’m just glad he can be here with us too”, I smiled, “Mum dinner is on me and don’t even try to fight it okay?”

She rolled her eyes and nodded while making her to where we were standing saying goodbye to Pippa, “Bye baby, be good for Nana yes? We’ll see you in a few hours”, after we kissed her forehead once more, we gave her back to my mum and grabbed our coats and masks before making my way to the van.

The drive to the little art studio took about twenty minutes, we got out of the car and walked to the white door before ringing the bell, and while we waited for, I pulled my girl into my arms and started cuddling her and kissing her forehead, and in return she kissed my pecks, we pulled back a little when we heard the lock turn.

When the door opened, I smiled, the brunette had not changed through the years, she smiled before excitedly saying hello, “Harry! It’s so good to see you!”, I smiled and moved from Y/N so I could pull the brunette girl into a hug, “Sadie! It’s been so long”, once we pulled back, she turned to look at Y/N and smiled, “Hi! You must be Y/N, I have heard so many good things about you from Gemma”

Y/N smiled and pulled Sadie into a hug before telling her, “It’s so nice to meet you Sadie, I have also heard so many good things from Gemma”, she smiled and motioned for us to come in, we removed our coats, but she told us to leave our shoes on to prevent accidents and we started following her when she spoke over her shoulder

“By the way, congratulations on Pippa’s birth, Gemma showed me a picture and I died, she’s gorgeous”, we both smiled and thanked her before she stopped in her kitchen and turned to smile at us, “I might have a little surprise for you two from a little birdie”, from the distance you could see the fairy lights inside the greenroom.

I laughed while shaking my head as we followed her to the backyard where I could see a little greenhouse, “I’ll thank Gemma later”, she grinned and nodded before opening the door to the greenhouse, inside the first thing you could see was a long table full of little remnants of arts and crafts, in the back corner there were big racks where different clay figures were sitting, two cabinets full of material were hidden in the back wall and along the right side you could see painting hung up to dry.

When we got in, we noticed that Sadie had set up two canvases opposite of each other and an array of paint colors I bet there were colors I didn’t even knew existed. On the ither side there was an ice bucket with a bottle of sparkling apple juice chilling and a picnic basket with some paninis, chips, fruit, and chocolate.

I smiled as I watched Y/N take in everything before giving Sadie a smile, “This is so beautiful Sadie!”, Sadie smiled and cleared her throat, “So, there is a speaker on the table so you can play your music, and I will go inside. I left a little book with some pictures so you can get ideas on what to paint or you can leave it to your imagination; if you need me you can click on that doorbell and I’ll come, otherwise I will see you two in a few hours”

We both thanked her and waved as she left the room before settling down and getting ready to paint, while I was looking at the book for inspiration she cleared her throat, which had me looking up to her, she smiled before speaking up, “I have an idea for our paintings”, I nodded and placed the book in the table to give her my whole attention.

“Let’s paint something that represents a happy memory for us”, I smiled, “Just one?”, she laughed, “But it cannot be around Pippa, let’s think, like really think about everything”, I smiled and nodded, and while I opened the bottle of wine, and she unpacked the food I raked through my mind on what I wanted to paint.

And as we sat down, I got the perfect inspiration, I cleared my throat before asking her, “Know what you will paint?”, she nodded and grabbed her brush to start painting, I pressed play in my phone, and we started painting.

It had been about fifteen minutes before Y/N called my name, “Yes baby?”, she let out a shuddering breath, “Can I… can I ask you something?”, I nodded, “Did you and Olivia, uhm, ever discuss the future?”, I dropped my brush before turning to look at her, “What do you mean?”, she shrugged, “Like, did you two ever discuss marriage, having your own children? Like it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it”

“No, no, it’s okay darling, I understand, and we did promise we were going to be honest with each other”, she nodded, and I sighed, “I made it clear since the beginning that before we ever thought of the future, things regarding Otis and Daisy would have to be settled with Jason, she wasn’t too happy about it but agreed”

“When Jason and her were able to work something out for the time being we started discussing moving in, truth I wasn’t too sure, Otis and Daisy were getting used to this new arrangement, I still remember one day Daisy asked me to call her dad because she missed him and it broke my heart, funnily enough, the day I found you in L.A. we were discussing the fact that she wanted to move in but I didn’t want to”

She nodded and squeezed my hand, which I took as a sign to continue, “Marriage was not on the table, I was busy touring and she still had to settle with Jason, and kids were ever only brought up when she had that scare last year, and we know how that ended”, she cringed at the memory and I kissed her knuckles before speaking up, “So yes, there was some talk, but nothing too serious”

She nodded and I cleared my throat, “Baby everything okay? Where is this coming from’”, she nodded, “Well… no, I guess I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with Matthew and your relationship with her, and… I don’t know”, I squeezed her hand once more before kissing her knuckles, she sighed before talking, “I cannot help but compare myself to the Y/N that broke up with Matthew all those years ago, and how karma did reach me when I broke up with you over falling in love with Olivia”

I nodded solemnly letting her know I was listening, “If I told the Y/N that was sitting in her first NYC flat that things would improve after her break up, then go to shit again and then shift so much, she would laugh; because truly my life has been so unexpected and what I needed but wasn’t sure I did, and I know that it sounds like a complaint but it isn’t, I’m still trying to understand everything, and well truth is that every time things come up in therapy I stir the pot”

I smiled a little, but there was something in her eyes that told me she wanted to say more, “Darling, what’s bothering you still?”, she laughed before speaking up, “You’ve always known me too well… I guess I have a confession to make, and I’m scared of how you will react and the floodgates it will open”, I furrowed my brows, but she beat me before I could speak up, “I saw the ring H”

My heart stilled and I whispered, “What?”, she smiled a little, “I was putting away your laundry from set, from the two weeks you were away due to the Covid case, and all of your underwear were not fitting perfectly, so I reached in to see what was going on and found the box”, I gave her a nervous laugh and she cleared her throat, “I thought you were acting the way you were because you were going to propose, and God how different it turned out to be huh?”

I nodded and she squeezed my hand before taking a sip of her wine and clearing her throat, “Wow okay this feels loaded now and I do want to continue talking about it, so why don’t we finish our paintings and once we do, we’ll show each other and continue yes?”, I nodded and reached in to pull her for a kiss, okay maybe two and then we continued painting.

February 14, 2022

London, England. 6:00 PM.

I knew what i wanted to paint since we arrived at the studio, and I was very excited Harry was so onboard with it. As we were painting, and conversation started flowing I realized we still had a lot to discuss but we needed to decompress a little before we could continue talking. I had just finished putting on the finishing touches to my painting when H cleared his throat and let me know he was done too.

I smiled before speaking up, “What if we showed our painting at the same time?”, he nodded and grabbed his canvas before clearing his throat, “On the count of three yes?” I nodded, “One… two… three!”, we both turned our canvases, and we started laughing. Because right in front of our eyes I found that we had both painted something related to the same memory.

Harry had painted the landscape of the hill where the house we stayed during our visit to Sorrento, while I had painted the hill and the ocean because we both knew we weren’t professional, his eyes lit up when he came to the realization and he let out a laugh, “Really? Same memory?”

I nodded and grinned, “Guess we really loved it huh?”, he nodded before reaching for my hand and squeezed it, “It was a very special trip and time baby, it was magic and bliss”, I reached from across the table and pulled him into a kiss before whispering against his lips, “It really was”, he smiled before pulling me into another kiss.

While the painting dried, we started munching on the contents of the basket and continued to talk, I was finishing my panini before he cleared his throat, “Should we… uhm should we continue the conversation we left off?”, I nodded and swallowed before speaking up, “Just promise me, that this won’t cause a fight between us”, he reached in for my hand and kissed it before speaking up, “Uncomfortable topics will make us have a better communication okay?”

I nodded and cleared my throat, “I have trouble understanding why would you buy an engagement ring if you weren’t sure”, he sighed, “I bought the ring a year into our relationship”, my heart stopped, “What?”, he smiled, “Funnily enough, during the Sorrento trip, while you were busy baking and cooking and learning Italian with Giuseppina, I was visiting jewelry stores”

I nodded and he continued talking, “I wanted to propose right then and there, but I knew it would be too soon, so I decided to wait, and wait, a year later we were both in our projects and on top of our careers that I thought 2021 would be a better year to get married, but… yeah”

I chuckled, “We both know what happened”, he nodded, I sniffled and cleared my throat, “If you were so set on us… on us getting married, why Harry? Why break my heart like that?”, he reached in and pulled me in for a hug, where he let me cry for a few moments before he pulled back started caressing my cheek and speaking up.

“Everything was good, yes we had our fights and we made up, we shared our dreams, goals and aspirations, and for the first time, ever, I felt complete peace, I was truly happy, because I had found my better half and yes I know it sounds cheesy but is the truth, you balance out my perfection and I do my best to uplift your confidence, you help me see the good in everything and I help you remember how beautiful and charming and incredible you are”

I smiled while he continued to speak, “It was finally starting to feel real, it was sinking that sooner rather than later I was going to ask my best friend to marry me, that we would start a new chapter of life together, have some babies, and live until we were old together, and as exciting as that was, the realization was also hitting; how could I, a child of divorced parents keep a healthy relationship and marriage together?”

I squeezed his hand before whispering, “You are not your parents H”, he nodded, “I know that now, but at the time I didn’t, and my insecurities got the best of me”, I squeezed his hand, “Baby how long had you been feeling that way?”, he shrugged, “A few months, I was planning to propose on the anniversary of you moving in with me”

I nodded while he continued, “But then filming started, and I formally met Olivia and Chris and met again with Florence and Gemma, and you were here and everything was great, until one day the compliments started flowing, ‘Great job H, better than last time but we will roll it again’, ‘Harry the dancing? Impressive I’m so glad you agreed to it’, and we then moved to ask for my imput on shots, what emotions should we convey”

He sighed, “Then after we came back from our break from the Covid case she seemed even more excited than before to see me, and there were subtle details like a coffee just how I ordered it in my trailer, some lunch a few days and when the cast and crew got together she always made sure I was there for the important discussions and the thoughts and opinions got back to my higher up management which was a win-win”

I bit my lip and nodded a little before he continued, “I guess at the time I was loving getting that attention, and slowly I was expecting those details, because I started to see that this was not because of my acting but for me; I would be a hypocrite if I said that I didn’t love the attention I was getting, and after breaking up I used it as an excuse”

He squeezed my hands, “A few months later I realized that I had confused being needed by someone to being wanted by someone; because unconsciously I needed her attention and her love to heal up the pain I was feeling from our breakup, but truly I wanted all of you, your heart, your best and worst, your thoughts, and above all your love”

I sniffled before speaking up, “I really thought you had feelings for her”, he nodded, “I cared for her, and I was appreciative of her helping me deal with what I was feeling, but I didn’t love her”, I nodded, “You didn’t come for me”, he gave me a sad smile, “I did”, I furrowed my brows, and he ran a hand down my cheek

“I flew to New York after Jeff and Glenne’s wedding, I was determined to get you back, and I remember standing outside your door about to knock until I let my fears get the worst of me, like how on Earth would I explain to you what I was feeling without hurting you even more? And if you did forgive me, how would I be able to make it work? like I said, I realized I didn’t have the best examples; so, I didn’t knock and left”

I gave him a sympathetic look, “Harry…”, he smiled, “I am better, therapy has done wonders and I know I am not them and I am only responsible for my actions and not theirs; and I do get to choose and learn from them”, I nodded and smiled in agreement, “but there is one thing that will never change: the fact that I am choosing you; I am choosing Pippa and I am choosing the life we will build together” I gave me a timid smile and nodded, “I am choosing you and Pippa and our future life too”

February 25, 2022

Harry. London, England. 8:30 PM.

We had finished eating the past we spent all afternoon making, and while Y/N went and settled Pippa for the night I was cleaning up the kitchen and moved to the living room, I could hear some steps behind me before she spoke up, “She went out like a light” I smiled and patted the space next to me in the couch.

She gave me a smile and started cuddling her and kissing her forehead while she sighed in contentment, we pressed play in the movie and ate our sweet treat my mum had left for us. There has bene something on my mind for the last few days and especially since her and Pippa would fly back to the US pretty soon.

That had caused a fight between us, but I understood that it would be the best for Pippa, and in turn I would definitely push to be back soon with them. Once the movie finished, we sat up and stretched she turned to look at me and tapped my nose before asking me “What is on your head baby?”

I smiled, “I have been thinking about a lot of things, but above all about how much we have both grown and above all, how much I love you”, she smiled and squeezed my hand, “I love you too”, after a few seconds in silence before I blurted out, “Be mine”, she sat up straighter, “Sorry?”, I smiled and squeezed her hand, “Will you be my girlfriend?”, she smiled and gave me an apprehensive look.

“Harry, how can I be sure you won't pull a freak out again? Because I must remind you, now it isn't just me but her too”, I nodded and understood where she was coming from, that is why I had something planned, I reached into my jacket and pulled out a box, handed it to her and asked for her to open it, when she did tears were filling the corners of her eyes before she let out a wet chuckle and whispered, “My necklace”

I cleared my throat, “Turn it around”, she furrowed her brows but followed my instruction, a choked sob left her mouth once she did, because the inscription had changed from To a promise of forever to read, To a promise of forever; cross my heart

She grabbed my cheek and pulled me in for a kiss, we pulled back and pressed our foreheads together before I whispered, “I know it’s not promise ring, but I need you to know, I held onto this until last month when I had to send it to add the new engraving”, she pulled back and sniffled before speaking up “What do you mean?”

I smiled, “Had Lamby add a small pocket in my concert and in normal outfits i always had it in my pocket, I couldn't part with it; like I told you last time, I screwed up, but I’m done thinking about the what ifs, I’m not wasting this second chance and as soon as you let me, I’ll marry you and we will think of when's”

She let out a wet chuckle, “You’re so sure I will say yes that you’re thinking about marriage huh?” I laughed and nodded, before she pulled in for a kiss before whispering against my lips, “Yes”, I pulled back and gave her a small smile, “Yes?”, she nodded before kissing me again, when we pulled back, she kissed my cheeks before saying “Let’s write the story of us”

March 4, 2022

Harry. London, England. 12:30 PM.

The tarmac was buzzing with planes getting ready to leave, Harry, Tommy and Jeff were finishing talking with the stewardess about our flight information; we had agreed that Tommy would fly with us and make sure we got home safe.

The last few days here had been spent visiting family, house hunting and above all enjoying the bliss of being able to tell people we were together again; I will always remember the happiness in Anne’s face when we told her, and Gemma was on her way to celebrating a party.

We had to tell my family and our friends back home through the phone, but the excitement was the same. Yesterday we had spent it packing and crying, Harry would be staying here for the next two or three weeks while I would return home and settle back into our routine. We both weren’t so happy about this but knew it was for the best, and that was enough to keep us both going.

The mood had significantly dampened since we left Harry’s house and made our way to the airport, the private terminal was empty which allowed for us to be a little more at ease. I had just hung up with Anne and Gemma and said goodbye again, Pippa was in her stroller sleeping, when she started stirring up a little, I placed her cover over the stroller, and I swayed it a little hoping to help her settle.

As I was putting my phone away, I saw Harry make his way to us, I gave him a smile and he gave me back a very small one, “Hi mister”, he sat down next to me and kissed my temple, “Hi sweetheart, everything is set”, the knot in my belly tightened, we waited for a few minutes before Jeff came to get us before he stopped in front of us and asked us, “Shall we?”

We both nodded, we stood up and Harry grabbed the stroller’s handle, while Jeff grabbed our bags and I grabbed my backpack, security helped us get to the plane and waited until Harry and Jeff were ready to leave, after storing the bags we wouldn’t need for the flight along with the stroller and car seat, Jeff and Tommy let us know they would confirm some things with the crew.

Jeff hugged me and he caressed Pippa’s head before wishing us a safe flight and walking away with Tommy, when I turned to see Harry my heart broke, he was sitting and cuddling Pippa to his chest while tears clouded his eyes, I kneeled in front of him and squeezed his knees, he closed his eyes and sniffled

“Baby…”, he shook his head before sniffling and speaking up, “I know we agreed to do what’s best for her, but that doesn’t mean I’m not devastated”, I kissed his knee before speaking up, “We always knew this would be hard my love, but we will always make things work okay? you’ll be back with us before you know it”, he nodded and then leaned to kiss her forehead multiple times before whispering to her temple.

“Please don’t grow up too fast Pip, daddy won’t be able to handle it”, Pippa let out a squeak which made us laugh, I hadn’t noticed I was crying until I tasted the salt on my lips, “She won’t, but I promise we will talk every single day yes?”, he nodded and then pulled me into a kiss, “I’ll miss you my love”, I smiled, “I’ll miss you too handsome”

He disembarked the plane but not before sending us a kiss, and once the doors closed and the plane started sliding around the tarmac, I started to breastfeed Pippa while whispering to her, “Everything will be okay baby, it’s just you and me for a while, yes? And then daddy will come home, and we will be very happy together”

Taglist @adoredeanna @alienorknight @be-with-me-so-happily @beachwoodcaferryy @behindmygreyeyes @cherrylovesblog @clarawolf22 @dayxoxodreamer @dirtytissuebox @futuristicpalacegardenpsychic @goldenlouvr @groovychaosavenue @harrysficreblog @harryspirate @hoya122 @imaginesofdreams @i-got-the-cinema @infinitely-yellow @irelilien @itsgabbysblog @itsgigikay @jgoff717 @kathy522 @kaitieskidmore1 @last-saturday-night @michellekstyles @msolbesg @qualitygiantshoepsychic @shawnsblue @spicyscorpsag @sunshinemoonsposts @tinydeskwriter @tinydestinybear @tpwkstyles1d @voosa @watercolorskyy @wherethehellhaveyoubeenharry

#harry styles x reader #harry styles imagines #dad harry styles imagine #the story of us #harry styles imagine #harry imagine #dad!harry #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles story #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles fluff

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seventeenlovesthree · 2 years

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Since I’ve been in rambly mode recently, I wanted to pick up some of the points I thought were highly interesting when it came to “how Digimon actually tried to foreshadow (and allude to) Taichi going into politics”. This will not be a FULL analysis, because I always like to include picture evidence to further my points, buuuuuuut I still wanted to get my general thoughts out of the system.

The rant I went into started with the simple notion that I was wondering whether or not Taichi has learned/will learn more languages in the future - since Kaguya-sama’s Chika Fujiwara is supposedly able to speak 5 languages, as her parents are diplomats and Taichi may or may not have become studious (or may have Koushirou develop an auto-translator-device for him, the jury is still out there).

Considering how we saw Taichi already being in his fourth year of political sciences on university level in Kizuna, I was wondering about the transition period here. Because despite the fact that he still seemed pretty aimless by the start of the movie and hadn’t even decided on the topic of his thesis yet, he at least must have had a general idea of where he wanted to go - right?

If you take it at face value - Tri as a whole was contextualizing it by making him not wanting to fight at first and find a better alternative with less damage. That's even what Yamato of all people says about him in the last movie (with only Koushirou going "Nope, I will not risk more lives by letting a reboot happen, I’ll find a different solution" as additional impulse control, but let's not dive further into that).

Either way, the first half of the first Tri movie WAS about Taichi not having figured out any career choices yet - and thanks to being exposed to Daigo working for the government linked to Digimon affairs, his experiences and especially his DEATH may have had a huge impact on Taichi wanting to change the course of how the Digital World is perceived already (especially by the public/media), strengthening the relationships, etc. So in that regard - Tri may actually have succeeded in explaining why Taichi went where he went. It may not have been pleasant to watch him falter so much, but considering everything he went through, it's NOT unlikely, because that's what he HAD to overcome.

But before looking at that, we of course have to include 01 and 02, because the epilogue was interwoven here. Besides Koushirou, he was the most committed to Digital World related shenanigans in 02, adding Yamato at times, but Taichi was already pretty involved there. All iterations of the anime Adventure timeline confront him with making unpleasant choices for the sake of everyone time and time again and while that visibly stressed him every single time (and required some punching to get out of his system), it was basically the best preparation he could have gone through.

Going even further back, in 01, throughout the first half of the season, he displays more of your typical Shounen growth attitudes - overcoming his recklessness, etc. -, nothing too outstanding here, but if you squint, you can already see that as him having to become more "moderate". Once he gets called "leader", he doesn't really apply that to himself yet, BUT he absolutely has the sense of responsibility, not only because he is used to that as a big brother, but because he IS a caring, perceptive person under that layer of "head-through-wall"-attitude of an actual 11-year-old.

And then in the second half of 01, he was seen contemplating a lot more, weighing options (even if Yamato still told him he was reckless, but we know Yamato is an unreliable narrator due to being influenced by his own dark cave arc at this point).

In sum, you may not expect the sporty leader stereotype to go into politics, but his personality structure actually made him want to look for options that were suitable for the most amount of people involved at some point! And the relationship between the real and digital world became more and more important to him as well!

The only thing they struggled with was finding a good transition, because they spent SO MUCH TIME on Taichi not knowing where he wanted to go (which is VERY relatable of course!!!). Personally, I like to believe they just wanted to make Taichi's story more complicated, because the focus HAD to be on him due to main character syndrome. He was so put together in 02 already and then hormones and depression and abandonment issues hit him... Him wanting to go back in time, because everything seemed simpler (even though his brain was pretty much lying to him there, because nope, that wasn't simple, that was at least 8 near-death-experiences in a row, you are traumatized, my friend), because he felt like he was more courageous back then. When, in reality, life DID become more complex, yes, but like Agumon said in the stageplay: There are simply more things he learned he wanted to protect.

#my two cents #taichi yagami #tai kamiya #digimon #digimon adventure #man i love this boy so much and making sense of his arc is a lot of fun #as frustrating as it can be at times it's actually more consistent than you think #meta

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doritofalls · 2 years

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I don't know how to say this, but I think Korekiyo sliced open my brain in some capacity. I became a fan of him through his execution before I even knew that Danganronpa was a MYSTERY game, and then just everything about his character -- the murder. the fact that he was a murderer before the killing game. the self-soothing gestures. the mask -- and then the more OFF-PUTTING ELEMENTS of the character like the sister angle or bondage aspect or the military uniform just cleaved my brain in the fact that you can really just. rod serling a character in a work that was not made for it. just go "man, wouldn't it be fucked up if there was a guy like that" and they DID. And it's not like Danganronpa has never done mini stories or implied arcs for the murderers of the given chapter or handled sensitive topics poorly, but Korekiyo just tips the scales in such a way that I find RIVETING. It's actually gotten me more interested in more disturbing media and movies to just try and figure out how to do it myself. I kinda just want to take Korekiyo and jam him into a different work and try to DO something with him, grant closure or something, but I can't even imagine how I'd start, if that's even my plan. It's all so much in ways I can't even begin to comprehend and I have no idea if any of this sounds coherent, but I guess that's my general take on things and your Korekiyo analysis is just so. so good to me. so good for me. bless.

that first sentence hit me as such a jumpscare i was like hE DID WHAT TO YOUR BRAIN????

that being said fantastic ask, let me answer properly under the read more 💕

i think just generally speaking, the executions are one of the strongest visual aspects of dr. like sure they are usually quite silly and over-the-top, which is very brand conscious of the games, but i always found the disconnect between the situation and the (lack of) expression of the character so. eerie is not the word, but something like that. a strange disconnect between the world these characters claim to be from and the situation they are forced to exist in. very fun.

and kiyo's execution is definitely one of the stronger ones imo, both visually and conceptually! it takes near full use of his themes and motifs as a character and it's just. brutal, unusually so. not an execution as much as torture stacked up till he's dead, and even after that. which i think, makes reasonably good sense when you consider his victim count compared to any of the others.

it also carries a great symbolic reading looking in from the "kiyo Was abused by his sister" angle, because near all of its elements - being tied up, being slowly boiled alive - can be interpreted in a symbolic relation to an abusive relationship. i also find it interesting that kiyo's execution continues post-mortem because he is deep enough in his delusions for death itself not to bring him despair. he is used to pain. he is used to death. monokuma needs to use his sister's explicit rejection of him to break his spirit, something he has spent his life convincing himself, working to ensure could never happen. like the writers really said fuck this guy in particular.

i hadn't touched upon much of the bondage/milita inspirations of his character - it kind of baffled me for a long time as an odd aesthetic choice to make tbh -, but i feel like i understand the line of thinking, at least? even if i'm not a fan. korekiyo's character takes a Lot of inspiration from both japanese folklore (the kuchisake-onna and futakuchi-onna inspo) and just the edo period in general, of which the roots of kinbaku are originated from. from there we make the leap of bdsm and bdsm fashion culture (gimp mask and the frequently echoed miliata motif), and you kind of get from point a to point b, even if it makes very little sense outside of a character specific angle. i do NOT think kodaka my man put this much thought into anything at all concerning this game but that's what my brain's for ig.

yeah though, even compared to edginess level of any previous addition of the series, korekiyo's just a Handful. it's not like we hadn't had a murderer part of a killing game before with a long track list (genocide jack), or a murderer with a quote-unquote split personality (genocide jack...TWO) or a victim of explicit csa (kotoko) or a crazy guy that's just a touch too fruity (nagito) but with kiyo it's just. all of it and it's SO much. and it's all handled and framed so BADLY. like kiyo's just such an insane character, not referring to his mental health, more like, the concept of him. he's norman bates from psycho and he's billy from black christmas and he's pinhead from hellraiser and the narrative is completely unable to handle half of his over-the-top baggage. he's the perpetrator and he's the victim in a way the narrative refuses to elaborate on, and while he doesn't exactly deserve better, you feel like he deserves at least a fighting chance in a competent narrative. iunno. i also don't make sense here, but feel free to dm me anon if you wanna talk about kiyo not making sense. i'm free all the time.

thank you for liking my analysis!!! he is the worm in my brain i have no say in the matter right now, but i love to know that people actually read them and go hm :'] i've been busy with work/a dhmis drawing i been sitting on but have like some...post game kiyo shoochi sketches where they're friends and niche internet micro celebrities.

#me at you our brains are broken in a very similiar fashion #mcfreakin answered #anon #kiyoanon

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modernwizard · 2 years

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Why I love the Spymaster #105: He's a dancer!

Find my full series under the HELP I WUVS HIM tag.

The Spymaster is a notoriously unrestrained character. His repetitions [#31] show how use does not seem to think before he speaks, but in the very process of speaking. He seems to think by acting out his thoughts and emotions [#11: You can SEE his mind at work!]. Additionally, his gestures provide insight into his preoccupations [#12: His brainfingers!]. He involuntarily vibrates when he's angry [#2] and when he's happy [#104]. He rocks from side to side unselfconsciously when anticipating something [#14], flaps when happy [#78], and exhibits lots of movements associated with autistic stimming and ticcing [see #78 for an extensive list].

The Spymaster is also notorious for dancing, i.e., moving purposefully with rhythm and choreography. We have him intentionally twirling in Spyfall I, right after he says he controls everything:

We have another twirl in The Power of the Doctor when he explains to Thirteen that the CyberMasters and Daleks are his "fam:"

And then, of course, there's his actual dance party to Rasputin shortly afterward.

Saying that the Spymaster is a dancer is different from celebrating his nerdy dancing [#3] or his OMINOUS yet dweeby dancing [#69]. Both of those mini essays focus on instances of dancing, but this mini essay speaks more generally. "He's a dancer!" = The Spymaster likes dancing, and he's a dancer, insofar as a dancer is someone who makes art out of the body in motion.

I call him a dancer for the following reasons:

He already emanates his emotions through facial expression, hand gestures, and bodily movements, so dancing, an art about one's body in motion, has an understandable appeal to him.

Dance, like theater, is a performance art, calling on an audience to admire the dancer's beauty and physical prowess. This appeals to the Spymaster because he's an over-the-top performer who needs an audience and also because he considers himself beautiful.

We know he likes club music [#96: Further implications of the Rasputin song!], so Rasputin [Majestic remix] is probably not the only tune he likes to groove to.

While expressive, dancing is not the same as the Spymaster's sometimes involuntary physical expression of emotion that the Spymaster frequently has. Dancing involves intentional control of one's body, which speaks deeply to the Spymaster, who's constantly worrying that he has lost control.

Another reason for the Spymaster's fondness for dancing connects to his neurodeviance or neurodivergence [#47]. I imagine that the Spymaster may be frustrated on occasion with his involuntary or unconscious stimming/ticcing. The planned choreography of dancing may help him to feel more at home with himself and grounded. In fact, his overall serious expression and relatively restrained body language during the Rasputin dance indirectly suggest that his dance of intimidation may be successfully quieting his impulses of nervous energy.

And on that note, folks, I am taking a break. I have been inflicting HELP I WUVS HIM mini essays about the Spymaster onto a hapless public for two solid months now. I haven't run out of mini essays. I've just run out of motivation.

Possible future topics include American Gothic, the Spymaster's gender, the Spymaster in the short story "The Master and Margarita," detailed analysis of the seismology professor costume, "Did you know she used to be a man?", and more!

Also, if all three of my readers have any things that you love about the Spymaster, feel free to send them to me. Or if you notice interesting things about the character and you have your own interpretations, send them along too. I don't guarantee that I will use what you send, but I will credit and tag you if I do.

P.S. If you like the kind of Masterful humor abounding in these essays, check out my parody self-help book Your Villain & You. It features a LOT of characters who look suspiciously like the Spymaster!

@natalunasans @sclfmastery @timeladyjamie @whovianuncle @rowanthestrange

#the spymaster #spymaster #sacha dhawan #HELP I WUVS HIM #body language #dancing #he's a dancer #stimming #ticcing #interpretive dance #everything's a dance #doctor who #dw meta #dancing while neurodeviant #dancing while neurodivergent #neurodeviance #neurodivergence

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an-apocalypse-of-magpies · 1 year

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Why you wouldn’t actually like the Serbian Pigeon Film

Seeing that thing about ‘film bros when you’d rather watch marvel movie than 2hr black and white movie about serbian govt through the eyes of a pigeon’ again has given me thoughts about performative interest in art.

Specifically, the amount of people coming forward and saying about how, actually, they really like the sound of a 2hr black-and-white film, about the Serbian government, told through the eyes of a pigeon.

I’m probably going to ruffle a few feathers here, but ... no, you probably won’t. Or, more specifically, the audience that would actually like that film is probably a lot smaller than the Tumblr comments would imply.

Before we get any further, I want to point out that I’m not saying this in a ‘marvel movies are true art and i can’t handle any cinematic nuance’ kind of way. Mass market blockbuster movies could definitely stand to be more ambitious as far as artistic endeavour goes. Nor am I saying that complex art movies cannot be good. What I am saying is that, deep down, a lot of people like the idea of art movies more than the actual art movies themselves.

A lot of people like the idea of going to the opera, to fine art museums, to poetry recitations and lectures on obscure and specific topics. But whether they’ll actually enjoy the art when they get there is another matter. I am reminded of a study where, when asked about their taste in coffee, most people will say something like ‘a rich, dark roast’ or ‘full-bodied’, but when those same participants actually drank coffee, they tended to go for a lighter, middle-of-the-road roast that could brew quick and easy. This isn’t necessarily duplicitous - many people like cake but wouldn’t have cake every day, rich dark roasts might be expensive or time-consuming and thus had as a treat rather than an everyday coffee - but, for the most part, people tend to overstate their interest in ‘sophistication’.

‘Sophistication’, and by extent fine art, is entirely subjective and cultural norms shift. A couple of centuries ago, prawns/shrimp were seen in Europe as only good for fish bait, and lobsters were so reviled that an actual worker’s rights movement in Massachusetts in colonial days limited their lobster ration because it was seen as a garbage foodstuff fit only for criminals and slaves. A lot of old films were the blockbusters of their day. Shakespeare, to use the famous if facetious turn of phrase, was writing dick jokes for the masses. But, based on the aesthetics of the day, certain things will be associated with class and good character. Because of historic gatekeeping, this is often art that is rare and/or expensive for the area in which it is consumed, or requires a high level of technical skill to create, or requires a high level of analysis to appreciate everything going on, and as such has often been the province of the rich, who have the time and/or money to invest in such pursuits. A mill-worker who can’t read or write and works 12 hours a day won’t be able to access a complex metaphysical novel like his rich and educated boss who has much more free time. Obviously, in the modern day, media is very accessible and literacy is generally speaking pretty good, global trade means that rare luxury goods and foodstuffs from the other side of the world are not so prohibitively expensive, and many more can engage with the things that are considered ‘sophisticated’.

Coming back to the coffee thing, I once worked in a shop selling fine loose leaf teas and coffees. Even among the coffee lovers who came in, the darkest coffees were a really hard sell. The darkest coffee in the range was intensely roasted, aged in the monsoon season, somewhat oily and extremely powerful in its odour, often described as ‘tarry’ or ‘peaty’. Most people went for a medium roasted coffee from Colombia, or a magarogype coffee that was slightly darker roasted but had more natural sweetness. The price difference was insignificant - in fact, but weight, the magarogype was slightly more expensive - and the access was there. I have no doubt that the intense and rich flavour of the monsoon-aged coffee beans would have been complex and multifaceted, a perfect dark rich roast. But the only people who liked it were old men. Most of the coffee fanatics went for the middle-of-the-road, because at the end of the day, that’s what they really wanted to consume.

So why am I going on about coffee and not Serbian pigeon movies? Because enjoying complex, philosophical/metaphysical art films is the film equivalent of a rich dark roast of coffee. Everyone says they like them, because it is considered a mark of good character to appreciate complex art, and a lot of people think of themselves as having good character (and the media literacy to appreciate and analyse complex art). Many people, I’m sure, even enjoy complex art films every now and then, as an occasional treat. But if asked to put their money where their mouth is and actually go and watch, again, a 2hr film in black-and-white, about the Serbian government, told from the eyes of a pigeon? I’m willing to bet most people would not have the motivation, or find it hard to justify the time and mental energy it would take to unpack that film. And, to be clear, it would not be an easy film to make and it would not be an easy film to watch. People pointing out the interest factor, of this intensely human political drama being observed from the point of view of an animal that fundamentally does not understand what’s going or, frankly, care, have left an unspoken issue hanging - if our viewpoint character has no reason to engage with the narrative happening around them, they’re never going to drive or even necessarily follow the plot, and if that happens it’s not a story. At that point, it’s just a nature documentary with stuff happening in the background that, again, the viewpoint character cannot understand. The dialogue of humans probably wouldn’t mean much if anything to a pigeon. One doorway is much like any other doorway. Pigeons can recognise faces, and recognise people who are good to them, but with a pigeon’s priorities, the narrative is unlikely to stay with those humans while they do things that might be of interest to a human audience. It’s a film that sounds very interesting, but wouldn’t be any fun to watch, because it spits in the face of all of our conventions of plot, characters, storytelling, or motivations.

And maybe some people will like that. Some people would really like that. But, on the whole, people are overstating how much they would like that. Hbomberguy, in his video essay on the game Pathologic, asked whether media has to be enjoyable to be good. To that I say, no, it doesn’t necessarily have to be enjoyable. People love harrowing human tragedies because they allow us to workshop our way through difficult circumstances and emotions that might not come up very often in our own lives. But while art does not have to be enjoyable, it does have to be engaging. Because to call art good art, you need to be able to see if not necessarily understand what it is trying to talk about, and to do that you need to be able to attend to the art and pick out its themes and motifs, and you can’t do that if you can’t engage with it. This is why a lot of people write off certain works as being ‘boring’ or ‘difficult’, even if those things are widely considered to be good art. How many people have the complete works of Shakespeare on their bookshelves and never read them, complaining about the inaccessible language and humour/wit shifts over the last 400 years?

‘That’s quite interesting’ can only carry a person so far as far as engagement goes. Sooner or later, they are going to have to get in the weeds of what that work is trying to do. And, if that work hasn’t grabbed them by that point with some other intrigue, it would be easy for people to say ‘well, that’s boring’ and move on to something else. Is the Serbian Pigeon Film bad art because you got bored of it? Debatable. The merits of art are subjective. You are allowed to not be interested in something that is ‘good art’ just as much you are allowed to find enjoyment in something which is considered ‘bad art’. And, in this instance, I may be a bit biased - I don’t think the Serbian Pigeon Film would be a worthwhile artistic experience, and that colours both how I perceive the film’s potential artistic merits and also my opinions on the sorts of people who would find it a worthwhile artistic endeavour.

I’m going to throw some names out that will probably cause psychic damage to seasoned Tumblr users. All or Nothing, the series about a vibrant and extroverted asexual person and their roommate relationship with an introverted and subdued pansexual person. Miss Officer and Mr Truffles, about the wacky high-jinx of an earnest police officer and her bear cub sidekick, based on a viral photograph appearing to show a police officer taking notes and conferring with a wild black bear. Dashcon, the convention celebrating all aspects of Tumblr culture and popular fandom. Even Goncharov, a joke film based on a bizarre label on some bootleg shoes that turned into a collaborative brainstorming session for a movie that never existed. All of these were born from an idea. An earnest idea, a joke, a quip (also, all of them turn out to be crowdfunding scams where the creators stole the money and ran, except for Goncharov, which was never in any serious talks to be made that I know of). A series with a rarely-represented ace and pan protagonist duo, overturning the stereotypes of both sexualities for humour value. A quirky buddy-cop-meets-animal-mascot show. A place to meet and share fandom with other Tumblr users. The so-called ‘greatest mafia movie that never existed’. All of these are things became memetic sensations because they were ‘quite interesting’ or ‘sound fun’. But, as we saw, none of them could keep up the momentum after a couple of bits. A few comic panels and short animated opening sequences couldn’t convince people to care about Miss Officer and Mr Truffles’ wacky exploits. The enormity of organisation that goes into setting up a fan convention sank Dashcon. Goncharov doesn’t even have a plot, just the outlines of vignettes, with the central appeal of Goncharov being the willingness to weld different people’s ideas of the ‘canon’ together and relying on the gaps to hold it together; the cinematic equivalent of the old joke about nets being holes tied together with string.

Sure, the Serbian Pigeon Film sounds interesting on the surface, but I don’t think it can carry itself with its own premise. And, if it does, it would probably be Tarkovsky-esque in its cerebrality and only of real interest to scholars. It would go the way of so many Kickstarters - inventive ideas that people just aren’t really that willing to invest in. Or, y’know, a scam. It’s fun to sit an look at, but not to put any actual effort into. To use a low-art comparison, it’s like cheap schlocky monster movies like Shark Exorcist which trying to sucker you in with a premise because a mildly-humorous premise is all they’ve got. Cinematic Potemkin villages.

Fundamentally, the original post wasn’t even about the Serbian Pigeon Film being good or bad, enjoyable or boring. It was about the film bros who do like this (hypothetical) art film, being scandalised that someone would rather watch a mass market appeal film, like a Marvel superhero blockbuster, than the Serbian Pigeon Film. And while we can infer mockery towards either side (the film ‘normie’ who doesn’t want challenging media, or the film ‘snob’ who is so obsessed with art films that they forget that art films may not be enjoyed by a casual moviegoer who just wants a couple of hours of enjoyable film entertainment without needing to do homework), the post seemed to be making fun of pretentious film snobbery. Not the enjoyment of the Serbian Pigeon Film specifically, but losing sight of others’ tastes in the process.

I guess the conclusion I’m trying to draw here is less ‘stop having fun guys’ and more ‘be mindful of overstating your interest in hypothetical media to yourself, not because you cannot like pretentious or cerebral media, but because it’s easy to write yourself as an enjoyer of media not because you actually like it but because you think you should be’. Liking art films is fine, don’t let me stop you. But do you really like art films, or do you just say you do because it’s unseemly to say you don’t? Because that last one goes both ways, too - do you really like the popular thing, or do you just put up with it because everyone expects you to like it?

#magpies does rambling #serbian pigeon film #for context my partner legitimately thinks this would be interesting #but then my partner had a fun afternoon out recently watching a documentary film about public rights of way #i rest my case

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