#someone keeps lighting garbage on fire in the elevator and sending it to the first floor

[billyhardgrove]

all i want for christmas is booze (b.h)

A/N: It’s Christmas in a month and so here’s a festive piece to get us in the mood. I think it might be 2 or 3 parts so just a mini series xx

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BOOZE

Pairing: Billy& Reader Word Count: 2.1k approx. Warning: Swearing

Summary: You’re about to head over to your parents for Christmas until you find the one guy that you despise sitting on a bench by himself.

PART 1

-

You detested him - his obnoxious arrogance that drenched and filtered into every room he walked upon; his goddamn smirk that held the sure confidence he bore too much of; his thoughtless, nasty words that departed his lips without consideration of anyone but himself – you detested Billy Hargrove and everything he stood for.

Though the feeling was mutual.

Billy hated you too – your bitchy-attitude filled with supposed superiority to him, matching your endless sighing and groaning of annoyance at anything he did; your signature response of rolling your eyes too often having had failure to actually respond with a verbal reply to his dim-witted words; your constant rejection of his crude and perverted suggestions that made you want to hurl if you heard him speak them one more time – he hated you too.

The pair of you had been neighbours for nearly a year now, and it was from the very beginning when you were sleeping in your new place that this hate-filled feud began to brew between you and Billy.

It all began with the first night consisting of him throwing a party overrun by blaring house music and rowdy young adults. It kept you awake to the early hours of the morning which wasn’t exactly how you wanted your first night in your brand new home to be spent.

But, not wanting to get off on the wrong foot, you never confronted Billy about that first night initially, hoping that this was just a one off, that not every night was going to be like this.

But you were mistaken.

Once again another noise complaint was brimming your lips. Only this time it was for a reason you’d really rather not interrupt.

The second night was a reckless one as your desperate need for sleep was interrupted repeatedly by the high screams and blissful moans of an unknown girl, the sounds of such ecstasy fighting for the urge of control over the repetitive banging on the wall of what you could only assume to be a bed.

Two consecutive nights of no sleep. Surely it wouldn’t be a regular thing?

You had hoped not but by the third night, just as your head had hit the pillow, your eyes barely closing before the unmistakeable sounds of sex echoed through the seemingly paper thin walls once more.

You weren’t going to stand for it and you didn’t want this to be a reoccurring thing so why not nip it in the bud early?

You were fuming, angry and exhausted, and you didn’t give a shit that the then unknown appearance of your neighbour would be the tanned blonde curley-haired guy with the unfortunate pretty face.

It had caught you off guard at first, having been thumping loudly on his door over and over until you heard distant curses of the disruption. Your words had caught in your throat as you took in the glistening bare chest and broad shoulders of the man before you.

His hair was dishevelled and sticking up in ridiculous places, his stubble scruffy and tracing along his jawline while his mean but ocean blue eyes glared at you.

You hated it. You hated how goddamn attractive you found him. And you had almost gasped aloud in awe at the appearance of your then-new-neighbour, but then the whiney voice of a brunette perking up from behind the blonde reminded you of the reason you were first there.

And you had been sure to give him a piece of your mind after that.

Irritated, tired and bitter, profanity after profanity had left your lips at an uninterruptable rate leaving barely any room for argument. You had made sure to get your message across at how inconsiderate and selfish he was being towards the other people in the building, and you felt satisfied and smug at the way you handled the situation…that was until the only response you got from the guy was a wordless scoff and the door being slammed in your face.

You were outraged to say the least. How could someone be so rude and have such indecency?

That’s when you decided you didn’t like him. Not even knowing his name and not actually holding a conversation with the guy yet, you detested your next door neighbour.

And you made sure he was aware of this. At first you decided to try and get some sort of revenge on the unnamed blonde, and for the next two nights you had blasted your music as loud as possible until the floors shook and the walls vibrated with the bass of the melody.

But in turn it ended with you receiving several noise complaints from other residents in the building and a smug-looking Billy that stood resting against his doorway as he watched you get bombarded with annoyed neighbours at yours.

He had known that you were trying to get back at him, and at first it had succeeded as for the first time in a while Billy was trying to sleep in his bed without a random girl in his bed, and due to the booming noise of your stereo, he couldn’t.

But then Billy took matters into his own hands and caused your plan to back fire as he let loose little gossip complaints to the other residents on the floor, planting a seed in their heads that had them annoyed at you, going against you and taking his side.

For those residents would rarely make any complaints against Billy himself because they were intimidated by him and he had gained some sort of power or control over them. So easily he convinced them to turn against you.

He made it clear to you that this was not a battle you were fit to fight. But you didn’t back down.

From then on the two of you seemed to be holding this endless dual against one another, trying to make the other’s life a living hell.

From raging parties to loud hook-ups; from placing lubricated condoms on your door handle to you adding a petty red sock in his white wash in the laundry room; from immature games of ‘ding dong ditch,’ to him locking you out of your own apartment when you left your door open just to bring out the garbage.

It was a never-ending feud and you grew tired of it as soon as it had started. But you were in too deep now- there was no way you could back down after all this, no matter whether Billy always had the upper hand or not.

Any typical person that didn’t get along with their neighbour would surely search urgently for another place to live as soon as possible, not wanting to put up with the other for more than they could. But with you and Billy, well, yes you hated each other, but you were also both as stubborn as the next. There seemed to be another silent contest, the pair of you merely refusing to move with the simple reason to spite and piss off the other.

Immature would be a word that would spring to mind, but the pair of you were too headstrong to care.

But it was different today – today you refused to let any of Billy’s unnecessary snarky comments rile you up, for today was your favourite time of year: Christmas.

Ranging from the irreplaceable holiday cheer spread amongst everyone paired with family fun filled night of happiness and joy to the overall twinkling exclusive atmosphere reserved and brought out only for this one day of the year. It was everything about this holiday that made you love it.

But the same couldn’t be said for everyone.

You quickly straightened the bottom of your velvet dress, and urgently slipped on your overcoat not wanting to keep your sister and her boyfriend waiting for longer than necessary out in that winter cold.

You were going to your parents’ house – just like every year – for the annual family gathering and scrumptious turkey dinner. Not wanting to forget the large bundle of Christmas presents you had carefully bought for everyone, you had put them in a couple of gift bags to make it easier for you to carry them, the thought of balancing several presents on top of one another not as inviting. Grabbing the ribbon handles of the gift bags, you finally closed the door to your apartment before quickly – well, as fast as you could in your heels – making your way towards the elevator.

Reaching the lobby, you spotted the familiar couple standing towards the door entrance and you instantly uttered a sorrow-filled apology to your sister and her boyfriend, Jeremy, for making them wait - they only gave you an earnest smile before Jeremy offered to carry a couple of your bags, noticing the way you struggled.

The three of you were going to arrive at your parents together, and seeing as you lived relatively close to each other, it also gave you permission to drink tonight since your sister was expecting. It was unplanned and sudden but the couple were excited for the arrival of the baby nonetheless.

Almost instantly, the quiet space was filled with chatter as you hadn’t seen your sister in a short while and there was a lot to get caught up on.

But it was stepping out into the bitter cold of the night that made you revel in the close memory of the crackling fire you sigh for every year. The star-flash of tinsel glittering brightly as the ribbons of flame twirl and spindle, dancing in the hearth of the fire. Those licking blazes that chase away the burglar-black wall shadows merely doing their unified duty of sending tingles through your fingers as they rid them toasty.

Puffing softly into the blueing palms of your hands, you gazed across the magical-looking street before you. With the various sparkling and twinkling lights overhead that slithered down the sides of houses and homes and the extraordinary paramount evergreen tree that was situated right at the entrance of the vast park that stretched in front of your apartment building, frost-spikes hung from the window sill like a Phantom’s glassy fingers as you hummed in content, that familiar and loving pleasure of joy tingling through you at how much you adored such a view and atmosphere.

Beyond the pavement, the world was a moonscape of white, Jack Frost’s fangs having bitten deep into the flesh and blood of the earth the night before and merely leaving it numb-cold and drained. There was no bird song, no grass whisper, no footfall. Jack hated everything living. He seemed to swoop down soundlessly from the casted sky and strangle the world into an imminent silence.

But that unnerving quietness was soon interrupted by the sound of footsteps and harmonious laughter as the three of you walked the peaceful streets. Everyone was tucked comfortably away with their own family, for this holiday was the perfect excuse for that, no need for wondering the ungiving sidewalk.

Everyone was with their families on this beautiful evening, everyone but one. And you came across them just as you passed the acquainted corner café you spent too much time in.

Situated on a frosted wooden bench, his feet resting on the base seat while he sat on the back of the bench, the cocky blonde you frequently despised sat alone. Between the boy’s fingers was a lit cigarette, the smoke ghosting and snaking from the ashed end. Held at home in his other was a poorly hidden bottle of alcohol – most likely whiskey – the brown paper bag grasped tightly around the neck of the bottle.

A leather jacket stretched across his broad shoulders, evidently not doing a good job of keeping him warm – though you were sure his drink would make up for that.

He looked like a ghost, lifeless and grey, with perhaps the only colour being his reddish cheeks and Rudolph-red nose, maybe paired with his bloodshot eyes. His teeth chattered as his lips wrapped comfortably around his cigarette, the ashy-end glowing orange when he inhaled the unforgiving poisons.

He hadn’t noticed your presence yet as Billy only stared at his feet, feeling nothing but hopeless and lonely.

He hated Christmas. The obnoxious cheer everyone was desperate to feel and ‘share’ with each other making him scoff at how fake it appeared, the flickering Christmas lights giving him nothing but a demanding headache when he looked at them and – the worst part being - the over-the-top family festivities that were frantic to create a non-existent feeling of homeliness and affection with the people that were supposed to accept you and love you unconditionally (at least that’s what Billy thought.)

It was a stupid holiday, he thought, one that he dreaded every damn year. But there was no avoiding it, and so he merely drowned in the uncomfortable lonesome quiet with his two favourite accomplices that would ensure he forgot this day the morning after.

But his despairing silence and self-pity was soon to be disrupted by the sound of a familiar but abnormally warm and quiet voice; your voice.

-

PART 2

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One}

Chapter Seventeen → in the Village makes a Big Mistake

“How did another poem get into the tree?” Lilac asked, pushing back hair that had fallen from her ribbon.

“I don’t know.” Hector said. “The birds would’ve been upset if someone approached the tree, and that would’ve woken us up.”

“Why can’t Isadora just tell us where they are?” Violet asked nervously, as Lilac put the paper down on the table. “Why leave us mysterious poems on the ground where anyone can find them?”

“Well, that’s just it.” Klaus said. “If anyone could find these poems, anyone could use them against the Quagmires. Someone else who wants their fortune, or one of Olaf’s henchpeople. If Olaf found out they were sending messages…”

They fell silent. “Explains why they didn’t let Nick write the poems, then.” Violet said. “He can’t be subtle for shit.”

“What does she mean,” Klaus leaned over, “No voices come from this sad beak? Isadora doesn’t have a beak.”

“Cra?” Sunny asked, meaning, “The crows?”

“That wouldn’t make sense, crows don’t talk.” Lilac said.

“Some birds can talk,” Klaus said, “Like parrots and myna birds, but not crows.”

“Until dawn comes we cannot speak?” Lilac read. “So they can only send poems in the morning?”

“Maybe that’s when the guards change.” Lilac said.

Soli narrowed her eyes, taking the paper. “Damp.” she said.

“No, it’s not damp.” Klaus said.

Soli shook her head, trying to remember the word. “Dry?” She folded the paper. “Used… used to be wet.”

“Soli does look right. It looks like someone wet it, and then it dried.” Violet said.

“I hate to interrupt,” said Hector, and the siblings suddenly realized he was still there, “Especially because this seems to be of grave importance, but if we don’t leave, we won’t be able to complete the chores for today, and the Council of Elders will not like that.”

Lilac stared at him, and then said, “Okay. Let me get dressed- Klaus, you keep the poems with you.”

“My pockets are full.” Klaus gently reminded her.

“R-right. Violet, you- no, no, you’ll lose them. Sunny, you’re in charge of them.”

Sunny shot her a thumbs up. “Ye.”

“What’ll we have to do?” Lilac asked.

“Well,” Hector said, “We’ll start downtown. Today’s list involves trimming Ms Morrow’s hedge, washing Mr Lesko’s windows, and polishing the doorknobs at the Verhoogen family mansion. We also have to sweep feathers out of the street and take out everyone’s garbage and recyclables.”

“The Quagmires and Nick are more important than that.” Violet said.

“I have to agree with you,” Hector sighed, “But I’m not going to argue with the Council of Elders.”

Lilac bit her lip. “Okay. Everyone get yourselves ready, and then let’s go around town.” She gave them a significant look. “Perhaps we’ll see something interesting.”

“You know what?” said Violet. “I’m actually glad Nick isn’t here. If he was, he would have gotten himself kicked out about six hours ago.”

“You’re right.” Lilac sighed, as they sat down for a moment.

“No, she’s not.” Klaus said. “Nick would’ve gotten us kicked out about ten minutes into our stay.”

“Less than.” Soli argued.

Though they’d been doing chores all day- trimming hedges, washing windows, polishing doorknobs, taking out trash, sweeping sidewalks, making beds, washing dishes, making sundaes for the Council of Elders, and so on- they barely even paid attention. All they could think about was their missing brother, and their missing friends, and the confusing poems they had received.

Now the siblings had just finished polishing the Fowl Fountain, which the crows seemed to like, as they’d also had to pluck multiple feathers off.

“You know,” said Hector, sitting down beside them, “I’m impressed. When I heard the village would be taking care of children, I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to do all these chores without complaining.”

“We’re used to strenuous exercise.” Violet said. “When we lived with Count Olaf, we did all of his difficult chores, and climbed a tower.”

“When we lived in Paltryville,” recalled Klaus, “We de-barked trees and sawed them into boards.”

“We ran hundreds of laps every night at Prufrock.” Lilac said.

“Secretaries.” said Soli, gesturing to herself and Sunny.

“Vitruvius.” said Sunny, which meant, “I climbed up an elevator shaft.”

“Besides,” Lilac said, “We’re busy thinking about the couplets.”

“‘For sapphires and fortunes we are held in here’ is obvious.” said Klaus. “But the second poem makes less sense the more I think about-”

“The fountain doesn’t look very clean!”

The Baudelaires leapt to their feet as the Council of Elders approached, and Violet quickly said, “I believe it is, actually. We just finished scrubbing it.”

“It looks more gray than black.” said an Elder.

“It was gray yesterday.” Klaus said. “It has always been gray.”

“Did you enjoy your sundaes?” asked Lilac, really hoping her siblings would shut up.

“They were okay.” shrugged an Elder.

“We’ve stacked up the dirty ice cream dishes in the Snack Hut,” said a third Councilman, “And you’ll clean them tomorrow as part of your chores. Where is Hector? We need to speak with him?”

The siblings glanced around, seeing that Hector had managed to slip away. Lilac quickly turned around and said, “I’m sorry, he’s occupied at the moment. May I give him a message?”

The Elders looked to each other and nodded, and Sunny stifled a giggle, as it made it look like their crow hats were pecking each other. “I suppose so.” said one of them. “But it’s very important.”

“You must tell him,” another said, “That Count Olaf has been captured.”

The Baudelaires froze, shock overwhelming them.

“Count Olaf’s been captured?” Klaus repeated.

“It’s true.” said one of the Elders. “Our Chief of Police arrested a man climbing the firehouse yesterday, who was new in town and had one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.”

“The Council of Elders has called a town meeting.” one of Councilwomen said. “All citizens are required to go to Town Hall immediately, to discuss what is to be done with him. After all, Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are allowed within city limits. The usual punishment for breaking a rule is burning at the stake.”

“Burning at the stake?” Lilac said.

“Yes.” nodded an Elder. “When we capture rulebreakers, we tie them to a wooden pole and light a fire underneath their feet.”

“So the punishment is the same, no matter what rule you break?” Klaus asked.

“Of course. Rule #2 clearly states that anyone who breaks a rule is burned at the stake. If we didn’t burn a rulebreaker at the stake, we would be rulebreakers ourselves, and someone else would have to burn us at the stake.”

“Excuse me,” Lilac asked. “But when Officer Luciana captured Count Olaf, did she find our friends and brother?”

“Well, if she did, I’m sure she’ll tell us at the town meeting.” a Councilwoman said. “It begins soon. Come along- Hector! There you are! Hurry up, we have a town meeting!”

Hector, moving out from behind the fountain, silently nodded, and the Baudelaires hurried after the Council, all the way over to the townhouse, where they took folding chairs right in the front row, and Hector sat in the back. The rest of the town filtered in over the next few minutes, as Solitude stood on Klaus’s lap and asked, “Did they find Nick?”

“I don’t know, Soli,” Klaus said, “But if they’ve really captured Olaf, then surely they’ll find him and the Quagmires.”

“God, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about this village.” Violet said.

“And I can’t wait to show Duncan and Isadora the crows.” Klaus said. “They’ll love the Nevermore tree.”

“Balo.” said Sunny, which meant, “And I can’t wait to show them Hector’s self-sustaining hot air mobile home.”

Lilac bit her lip, and said, “I just want us all to be together. I don’t care what happens after that.”

“Silence!” they jumped as the Council of Elders sat on the bench ahead of them, and a Councilman announced, “Hector, please show Officer Luciana and Count Olaf to the platform.”

“I can make my own way to the platform!” said Officer Luciana, who strutted in, still in a motorcycle helmet. “I am the Chief of Police!”

“That is true.” admitted an Elder, as Luciana stepped onto the platform.

“Ladies and gentlemen, orphans and other citizens,” Luciana said, “I am very proud to announce that I have made my first arrest as your Police Chief, and I have arrested none other than the villain, Count Olaf!”

“Villains aren’t allowed in town limits!” shouted Mr Lesko.

“Burn him at the stake!” added Ms Morrow.

“May I present,” Luciana jumped off the platform and ran to the door, “Count Olaf!”

The townspeople turned, and the Baudelaires turned with them, and then the Baudelaires felt their stomachs plummet to the floor.

Luciana was dragging forwards a man in handcuffs, and the Baudelaires could see that, as he wore no shoes or socks, he had the same eye tattoo as Count Olaf. And as he turned to look around the room, they could see he had one eyebrow.

But that was not Count Olaf.

“Shit.” Solitude whispered, tears springing to her eyes.

Officer Luciana pulled him onto the platform and said, “I captured Count Olaf and now we get to decide what to do to him!”

“But I’m not Count Olaf!” said the man. “I’m Jacques-”

“Silence!” a Councilman said. “Rule #920 clearly states that no one may talk while on the platform.”

“Let’s burn him at the stake!” suggested a townsperson. “We haven’t burned anyone at the stake in a long time!”

“He’s Olaf, alright!” said Ms Morrow. “He has one eyebrow instead of two, and there’s a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.”

“But lots of people have only one eyebrow,” said Jacques, “And I have this tattoo as part of my job.”

“Silence!” said a Councilwoman. “Count Olaf, you are clearly a villain, and Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are to be allowed within city limits, so we get to burn you at the stake!”

“I’m not a villain!” Jacques said. “I work for the volunteer-”

“Enough is enough!” said an Elder. “Olaf, you have already been warned about Rule #920. You are not allowed to speak on the platform. Do any more citizens wish to speak before we schedule the burning of Olaf at the stake?”

The Baudelaires looked to each other, and then Violet stood up. “I wish to speak!” she announced. “The town of VFD is my guardian, and so I am a citizen! This man is not Count Olaf, and we don’t want to make things worse by burning an innocent man!”

“It is you who are making things worse!” Luciana said. “Clearly the shock of seeing Count Olaf again has confused the girl.”

“She’s not confused!” Klaus said, standing up and taking Soli with him. “That’s not Count Olaf!”

“The children are clearly confused,” an Elder said, “And thus must be put to bed. Hector, put the Baudelaires to bed, and tomorrow we will burn Olaf at the stake, after breakfast.”

“All uptown residents bring wood for kindling,” said a Councilman, “And all downtown residents bring torches and a healthy snack.”

“And in the meantime,” Luciana said, “He goes to the uptown jail.”

“But I’m innocent!” Jacques said, turning to the Baudelaires. “Baudelaires! I’m so relieved to see you! Your parents-”

“Silence!” Luciana shoved a hand over his mouth and dragged him off the platform. “Come along, Olaf, your deluxe cell awaits.”

But as she passed the Baudelaires, her hand slipped, and the man turned and met Lilac’s eyes. He stared for a moment, as if he realized with a shock he recognized her from somewhere. Then, he said, very quietly, “The world is quiet here.”

Lilac jumped and opened her mouth to ask what he meant, but Luciana had already dragged him out the door by the time she got to her feet, lifting Sunny with her.

The Baudelaires stared after him. “That man knew something.” Lilac said.

“That man isn’t Count Olaf.” Klaus said. “Meaning he’s still out there.”

“We need to find out what he knows, and make sure he doesn’t burn at the stake.” Violet said. She slowly pulled her ribbon from her pocket and said, “Soli, keep Babbitt quiet. Klaus, have you ever read a book on jailbreaks?”

“Plenty.” Klaus said, nodding.

“And I’ve broken you all out of locked rooms enough to say I’m an expert, too.” Lilac said.

They looked at each other. “This is a very dangerous plan.” Klaus said.

“What choice do we have?” asked Solitude.

They nodded, and Lilac said, “Well, looks like we’ll be causing a jailbreak.”

“A jailbreak?” Hector’s eyes went wide. “No way! I can’t do that! That’s definitely against multiple rules!”

“We’re not asking you to do it,” Lilac said, tying up her hair as she walked around Hector’s barn. “We’re asking you to give us supplies.”

“No.” Hector shook his head. “Rule #626 clearly states that nobody is to aid another citizen in breaking the rules. I’m sorry Baudelaires, but even if you think that man is not Count Olaf-”

“He’s not.” Klaus said. “Which means Count Olaf is somewhere nearby, and probably waiting for this guy to die for some reason.”

“Obviously,” Lilac said, “If Count Olaf is legally dead, than he can do whatever the hell he wants. And that man seemed to know something, something about us. So we have to find out what it is.”

“And we can’t let an innocent man burn at the stake.” Violet said. “Even for a wicked man, that’s a horrible fate.”

“We can’t just break him out of jail! The Council of Elders will find out, and then they’ll burn us at the stake!”

“They won’t find out.” Violet shrugged. “We’re good at getting away with things.”

“Surely,” Hector pleaded, “It’s safer to just fly away in the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home.”

“Maybe not.” Lilac said.

Hector paused. “What does that mean?”

“It means that if your engine doesn’t hold,” Lilac said, “You’ll fall from a great height, which will injure you greatly, and that’s if you don’t land on anything dangerous, such as the ocean or a field of cacti.”

Hector’s eyes widened. “That could be dangerous.”

“So,” Violet said, crossing her arms and leaning against a basket, “How about a deal? Li and I work on your engine, you get us the shit we need.”

Hector bit his lip. “I still don’t know.”

“We’ll be in and out of that jail before anyone’s even awake.” Klaus said.

“Do you think you can fix it?” Hector asked skeptically.

“Oh, they can always fix it.” Klaus nodded.

Lilac and Violet nodded at each other, and then moved over to the basket that held the engine. They knelt down, with Violet tying back her hair as Lilac pulled open a panel. Solitude and Sunny hurried over to watch, already impressed.

Both girls reached into the basket of wires and switches. They dug through for a while, and then Violet said, “Here’s your problem. You need solid 12-gauge wires. These are standard 14.”

“We need wire cutters, banana plugs and a small oiling can.” said Lilac.

Hector ran to gather the items, and Sunny raced after him, managing to grab the wire cutters herself and running back with them, proudly showing them off to her big sisters. Hector brought the rest of the materials, and Lilac and Violet got to work, cutting and adjusting and replacing wires and oiling up parts of the engine. Klaus picked up Solitude so she could have a better view, and Sunny crawled under their arms to look for herself.

“Shit.” Lilac muttered.

“What?” Klaus asked.

Instead of responding, Violet said, “We need your biggest wrench.”

Hector grabbed a wrench from a table and handed it to her. Violet took it and slammed it against part of the engine, and then her and Lilac backed up, and Lilac flicked it on.

They heard wheels start to turn and gears start to click together, and Lilac and Violet grinned, proud to have actually fixed something.

Violet and Lilac stood up, taking their hair out of their ribbons. “Now,” Lilac said, “We will need full access to all your inventing materials.”

“And I’ll need blueprints of the uptown jail.” Klaus said.

“Dead fly.” said Solitude.

Hector sighed. “Well,” he said, “So long as you’re careful.”

“We’re always careful.” Lilac said.

“Eh.” Violet shrugged.

“But what matters,” Lilac said, “Is that we’re going to succeed. If this man can help us figure out the truth of what’s going on, than that gets us one step closer to finding Nick. And we will do anything and everything to get him back.”

They finished their invention before the morning. Lilac and Violet had put together a device that would break through the stone of the jail wall, which Klaus had located with his blueprints.

“We’ll stop at the firetruck on the way out,” Lilac explained as they pushed the mechanical device out of the barn, “We can either hide Jacques in it, or find a way to get it out of the fence and drive him somewhere safe. Obviously we don’t want to leave town without Nick or the Quagmires, but hopefully if we have to leave, we can come back with the police.”

“I’d put Nick’s stuff in there,” Klaus said, “But I like having it on me. It’s… comforting, almost. Even though it’s probably a bad idea to have it with me in this heat.”

Lilac nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder.

But as they passed the Nevermore Tree, Sunny turned towards the branches and let out a cry. “Couplet!” she cried, and her siblings jumped. They saw what she did; a white scroll falling among the black feathers. Violet ran forwards and caught it, racing back to her siblings to read it aloud.

The first thing you read contains our clues: An initial way to speak to you.

“How are these getting into the tree?” Violet asked.

Lilac looked from the tree to the house. “We didn’t hear anyone approach.”

Sunny suddenly brightened, and said, “Reuter!” she shouted, which meant, “The crows must be carrying the messages!”

“What?” Klaus asked.

“Loidya!” Sunny answered, which meant something like, “The poems must be attached to the crows somehow, and they break away when they sleep in the Nevermore Tree.”

Lilac’s eyes widened. “Sunny, you’re a genius!”

“I know.” Sunny said.

Solitude suddenly started, clapping her hands. “They must be uptown!” she said.

“Uptown?” Violet asked.

“No, she’s right.” Klaus said. “One of the poems said Until dawn comes we cannot speak. That’s when the crows roost uptown.”

“They’re attaching the poems in the morning,” Lilac said, “And letting them fall at the Nevermore Tree.’

Violet smiled. “What do you say we skip chores today, break a man out of jail, and then search uptown for the Quagmires and Nick?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” said Lilac, who almost never let her siblings skip chores. “Alright, let’s get a move on. We have to break out Jacques before breakfast, before he gets burned at the stake.”

Unfortunately, the siblings never got the chance.

“Alright,” Violet said, “Put it here.”

They placed their invention beside the wall, and Klaus said, “The jail cell should be right behind this wall. If we get started now, there should be a hole before long.”

“Bite?” Sunny asked.

“No, biting it won’t help,” Klaus said, “But thank you for offering.”

Lilac turned on the machine, and a swinging hammer hit the wall, causing a dent. The siblings let out a cheer, but stopped very quickly when they heard loud noises from in front of the jail.

“Breakfast can’t be over already.” said Violet, shutting off the machine.

“What’s going on?” Klaus asked.

“Jacques?” Solitude guessed, hugging Lilac’s leg. Lilac picked her up, and Violet grabbed Sunny, and the siblings ran out to the front of the jail to see what the commotion was.

As they reached the crowd, Klaus called out, “What’s going on? Is Jacques making a speech? Are you letting him go?”

Only one person noticed the Baudelaires- Officer Luciana, standing towards the front of the crowd. She gave them a smile from under her motorcycle helmet and said, “So good of the orphans to join us!”

Then she looked at them and said, “Last night, Count Olaf was murdered.”

[najikasunart]

@someguywearingametalmask asked:  Alphyne with 18? <3

18 - A Kiss for Encouragement

(tw for suicidal thoughts, depression/anxiety, impulsive actions, and general hard/sensitive topics.)

           [are u still up]

           [Yea, just got home.  You ok?]

           [no]

           [Gimme five mins and Ill be there.  Lab right?]

           [yea]

           Alphys put her phone face-down on the work desk and wiped her eyes with the back of her trembling hand, skin cold and head throbbing.  She forced out as slow a breath as she could manage, which was approximately as slow as a marathonist after a 5k run.  Every part of her felt heavy, especially in her chest and in her limbs, as if they were all made of the same goopy material as the things living deep in the secret lab.

           Which was where she was currently huddled, uncoincidentally.  She knew things were difficult right now, as the Underground only needed collect only one more human soul before the barrier could be broken.  Escape was within their grasp, a feasible goal and a foreseeable future, which under any other circumstances would have had Alphys motivated to continue her research through the many bumps in the road.

           Unfortunately, though, Alphys had never been a very emotionally stable monster to begin with, let alone having to contain and manage somewhere between four and eight terrifying amalgamations she created out of the dying bodies of her kind.  The weight of this secret was enough to force her to the garbage dump most days, away from her work and away from the heavy, heavy weight of her mistakes.  Garbage was her element, after all.  She felt like she belonged with it.  Like she could be herself there.

           Though after some thought, she was sure the garbage could at least manage not to accidentally kill, revive, liquefy, and congeal other monsters.

           Perhaps the garbage was better off living there in Waterfall.

           Alphys snapped her attention back to her lab after hearing pounding on the metal doors of her lab.  She was a few floors under it at the moment, but the sheer force behind Undyne’s door knocking could be heard from anywhere.  She knocked hard enough to send vibrations down the walls of the true lab, her voice almost entirely obscured, but not quite.  Alphys heard Undyne scream her name twelve times or so before anything registered in her mind at all.

           Wow, you’ve outdone yourself, Alphys, she thought.  This is even more pathetic than usual, calling her over and then ignoring her completely.

           What a worthless life you live.

           Alphys couldn’t bring herself to rise out of the swiveling desk chair, not now.  Her body was too heavy and her head hurt too much and everything was spinning out of control and she was stuck here like a chewed wad of gum on the underside of a school desk.  Even just grasping for her phone felt like all the bones in her arm had been replaced with lead ones.

           But she persisted, refusing to give up entirely just yet.  Undyne didn’t deserve that.  Undyne didn’t deserve to be led here for nothing, Undyne didn’t need to—

           [go thru the bathroom door]

           One more text…

           [its an elevator]

           Put down the phone.  No more of that heaviness.

It’s time for a whole new heaviness, one named Guilt.  Guilt likes to rear its hideous, disgusting head anytime anyone else got involved with these mistakes.  These horrific failures that drove Alphys deeper and deeper into her lab and her isolation and her mind.

Because the only reason you even make mistakes in the first place is because you try too hard to make friends, isn’t it?  You just want to be somebody else who lives a life where everybody loves them because they’re normal, and good, and they don’t even have to try to have lots of friends, or to fall in unconditional love, or to succeed at the one thing they’re even good at in the first place. And look at yourself now, you’re surrounded by garbage and taking care of zombies to avoid telling the truth.

You’re a failure.

Blink.

You shouldn’t have let her in.

Blink.

If you care about your future, then leave.

And don’t come back.

***

“Alphyyyyys!!  Alphys, where are you!?”  Undyne shouted frantically, cursing as the elevator slowly descended.  She had no idea where she was going, but if Alphys wouldn’t answer her phone and this was the only lead she had, she would follow it to the other end of the entire Underground.  Having known Alphys through times both thick and thin (mostly thin, she mentally noted, with a burst more anxiety), and having grown closer to her in all her dumb, nerdy glory, Undyne was extremely concerned receiving these vague and almost cryptically simple texts.

The last time she felt this worked up over Alphys was the first time they’d met, with Alphys standing on the very edge of the garbage dump waterfall, just staring into the endless abyss below, watching the trash cascade down with the dirty water.  She’d never seen someone else look that hopeless before, and she’d watched humans die in front of her.  It seemed…more intense in someone who wasn’t fighting for their life.  It was almost like it was the opposite, really. A longing to end it, instead of a striving to protect it.

It was that thought that spurred Undyne to move a bit faster, determined to break her five-minute promise in exchange for a faster arrival.

She arrived in three and a half.

The elevator grinded noisily to a halt on the only other floor available, the basement that Undyne didn’t know existed.  She supposed Alphys did need more room to do whatever sciencey stuff she did, but something this expansive (and dusty…) was unexpected.  Undyne puffed out her chest and exited the elevator, filled with an intense determination to find Alphys, wherever she was in this eerie basement laboratory.

Undyne ran her hand along the wall to try and find a light switch, cursing when she couldn’t.  She reluctantly decided to stick to the right-hand wall.  It couldn’t lead her in circles that way, and though it would take longer, she knew it would be effective at getting her furthest into the lab.  She wanted to say she wasn’t afraid of anything right now, she truly did, but she was afraid of being too late.  So she kept moving, step by sticky step.

A few right turns in, her eyes only just adjusted to the dim light only assisted by the dull green glow of mounted screens, Undyne heard the unfamiliar crunch of glass under her boots.  She attempted to step over it, but her efforts were in vain, as the glass continued to splinter for another few paces before Undyne could move forward a bit more stealthily.  Everything save for the occasional metallic groan and her own footsteps was silent.  

The floors only grew stickier, the walls too, and the bits of glass grew in quantity, along with something softer that stuck to the bottom of the soles of Undyne’s shoes.  The rooms smelled of dust and something vaguely sweet, and mirrors appeared just as often as science supplies did this far in.  As much as Undyne wanted to call out for Alphys, she felt it was too dangerous to do that – Alphys could get hurt if she was startled, right?

Upon removing another sticky something from the sole of her shoe – a flower petal, she discovered, how weird – Undyne took a step back to find whatever plant she’d just accidentally decimated.  However, when her body shifted backwards again, it bumped into something.

Something solid.

Well, almost solid.

Undyne gasped and launched herself forwards, away from whatever’s path she’d inadvertently crossed, and summoned a magical spear.  The blue light pierced through the hallway (Way to go, Undyne, she thought, you could’ve saved all this time using magic) and she was face-to-probably-face with something that was definitely not a monster.  She took another quick few steps back, holding her spear out in front of her in defense, when she saw the thing shift – lurch – towards her, sputtering out a gurgled moan into the dark room.

Undyne did not hesitate to summon a circle of spears around the beast to contain it.  Her reflexes victorious, the hulking being slammed into the spears, but stayed put.  The noise was sure enough to alert Alphys, but if this thing was in the lab, it could also belong to her.  Undyne decided running was a safer bet here, and continued following the righthand wall, spear lighting the way just enough to make out the cracked linoleum flooring.  And as she ran, she began shouting again, shouting for Alphys, hoping to hear a shout back, a voice, a noise; anything at all would have relieved Undyne, but how she did find Alphys was somehow worse than anything she could have imagined.

“Alphys…” Undyne breathed out, spear slipping from her grip as she took a few careful steps forward, towards the lump in the old swivel chair, hunched over in front of five different computer screens.  “Alphys, are you—”

“Stop,” Alphys responded tersely, nerves making even her strongest voice sound weak.  “I-I’m sorry, but…I shouldn’t have—I shouldn’t have called you here.”

Undyne looked confused, and attempted to keep her rough voice low. “What’s that supposed to mean? There’s obviously something going on, your texts are—”

“Yeah, I-I know.  My texts are a mess, I’m—nothing’s working out right now, and you don’t need to-to get involved, I’m sorry…” Alphys stumbled over her words as tears welled up in her eyes, her head resting in her folded arms upon her desk.  She took a quick breath.  “I freaked out, it’s just the same as always.”

Undyne walked a little closer, perhaps to try and soothe the heavy feeling in her limbs.

“Look, Alphys…if you were freaking out, then it’s gotta be coming from somewhere.  And if you can’t tell me about it, then I can’t really do anything about it, right?”

“Nobody can do anything about it now,” Alphys mumbled glumly into the desk.  Teardrops were balancing on the lenses of her glasses.

“Does it have to do with that thing in the lab?” Undyne asked, mentally cursing herself seconds after the question left her mouth.

Alphys nodded but said nothing.  Embarrassment was radiating out like steam, eyes watering and face on fire; she was sitting here crying and wallowing in muddy self-hatred while Undyne was right there!  Was this fishing for compliments?  Or rather, fishing for company?  Fishing for an escape from a problem that couldn’t be solved anymore?  Alphys shook as she took in another breath and fought to steady herself, to make herself look anything like what one would expect from the Royal Scientist.

“This—hhhgk, this is…I’m sorry, sorry, Stars above, I—this is so bad, I-I messed up, but I can’t-I can’t do anything about it, and neither can you, and-and neither could the king, or anybody, okay…?”

Alphys swore aloud to herself and lifted herself up just enough to toss her glasses to the side of her desk and hide her face in her hands, holding her breath to try and refrain from scaring Undyne away by bursting into tears right as she walked inside.  As soon as she began to spit out apologies again, though, she found herself being lifted under her arms from her desk chair and carried out of her study. Alphys didn’t move her hands from her face, didn’t move her body at all, hardly breathed until she was eventually put back down onto something soft.  Even after that, she didn’t move.  It was too hard to move, too hard to look, too hard to take in the world right now.

***

           When Alphys awoke, she found herself in her bedroom, under the covers of her bed.  She looked to her nightstand, put on her glasses, and sat slowly up.  Her body ached, her face felt sticky, and it took a few moments for her to remember exactly what she was doing before she fell asleep.  Though, her memory was soon jogged by the fact that Undyne’s boots were next to her door…

           …attached to Undyne, who was leaning against the door, sleeping.

           Alphys blinked twice before she put the pieces together and gasped sharply, quickly covering her mouth with both hands in hopes that she would not wake Undyne.  However, Undyne rose almost immediately afterwards, her reflexes and instincts that of a true warrior.  There was a brief moment where neither one said anything, and only stares served to convey any clarity to the other.  Finally, Undyne got up, stretched both arms in the air like she was punching the sky, and walked over to Alphys’ bedside.

           Still, Alphys said nothing.  It was a moment where she felt immobilized in her own body, a rare moment where anxiety didn’t just mess her up, it froze her entirely.  But she wasn’t afraid – she was just watching Undyne come over, sitting in her bed with a tearstained face and puffy eyes and crooked glasses, her mind perfectly still for once in her life.  It felt almost freeing.

           It felt especially freeing once Undyne leaned down, placed one hand on Alphys’ shoulder, and pressed her lips to Alphys’ forehead.  That moment seemed to simultaneously a lifetime and a split second before Undyne pulled Alphys into a close hug, tight but gentle, and Alphys felt her hair draped over her arm, and everything suddenly came to a quietus from all stimuli. Everything disappeared, silenced, and dissipated, except for her. Except for Undyne.

           Alphys felt her arms wrap around Undyne’s back and her claws dig into the fabric of Undyne’s top.  Undyne whispered something she didn’t quite understand and Alphys closed her eyes.  Not that it really mattered right now.  Time stopped, life stopped, color stopped, stressors stopped, everything stopped. And it was perfect like that, frozen in the chronosystem, where nothing needed fixing and no one needed saving.

           Alphys tightened the hug, and when she opened her eyes, they were full of hope.

[thecruciblegavemeyou]

Snowbaz Swimming Au

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12

ao3

yoooo i think this might be the longest chapter yet, and I started planning the other ones. i want to finish some more and queue them or something idk

baz pov again

I was leaving practice Monday night when I got the call. Fiona hadn’t sounded that distressed since my mother died, which is how I knew something was wrong.

Everything had been going so well for me, too. My grades were up, we had just enough boys to compete this year (and our first meet was this Saturday), Snow and I practiced together every morning and night and we’d started walking places together. Not saying anything, but that meant that we weren’t fighting. I could feel myself want to start a fight with him, because with him being this nice to me I was screwed. I couldn’t get him out of my head.

Even as I drove through the night to Hampshire to see Mordi in the hospital, I couldn’t stop the images of Snow that were running through my head.

Snow laughing at early morning practices. Snow trying to do the fly again (he secretly loved it. I could see it. He wanted to beat out Dev as the first seat flyer by the end of the season, which would be an incredible feat). But he had the shoulders for it.

I tried to ignore the images of Snow running around in that tight bathing suit. It was torture. I’m honestly glad I didn’t have to swim so close to him in the afternoons too; I would lose it.

He wasn’t in the sixth lane anymore, though. Our morning practices were helping. He’d moved up to the fourth lane. His technique was impressive; he had learned surprisingly fast. His endurance wasn’t up to par yet (but neither was mine, we were still building yardage at practice). And I’d caught him and Gareth trying to lift together in the gym one Saturday (at least I wasn’t the only one smitten with the golden boy; a number of girls in our class had been watching through the windows). I even saw Wellbelove walk past and take a second glance.

I wanted to tell her to fuck off.

By the time I reached the hospital at three in the morning, visiting hours were over. I should’ve expected that. Fiona had even told me to wait until morning. I didn’t really have the self-control at this point (all of my self-control went into not kissing Snow at morning practice).

I banged on the doors until security threatened to make sure I wouldn’t be allowed inside once the doors opened in the morning, so I kicked over the nearest garbage can. I napped in my car until Daphne knocked on my car window.

“Basil, the hospital just opened.” She called through the glass. I stalked inside behind her and my father.

He still wasn’t speaking to me, but I didn’t mind too much because conversations with my father had never been particularly pleasant. When he found out I was gay, it was just another disappointment to add to the list.

The hospital seemed deathly quiet as we made our way to Mordelia’s ward. The only noise was Daphne’s clicking heels and soft elevator music playing in the background. It made me itch; I would rather it was silent.

Nurses and doctors all blended together as they rushed from point A to point B. everything was white and sterile and mute. All the smells and sounds and colors blended together. I ignored the rumbling in my stomach and followed Daphne into a blank, white-walled room. The room felt as dead as the rest of the hospital. The only sound was soft breathing and the persistent beep of machines. I hated hospitals.

Mordelia was just waking up when we walked in, so we all tried to stay quiet. When my father and Daphne went to talk to the doctors, I took a seat next to Mordi on the bed. I watched her chest rise and fall as the nurse quietly checked her vitals and checked the drip she was hooked up to.

I hated seeing my sister like this. She looked so vulnerable. I decided to keep that to myself (even if she was dying, she’d summon the strength to punch me for a comment like that). Her eyes fluttered open, and she greeted me with a wide smile.

“What happened?” I asked. She looked sickly and pale still. Fiona had been very vague over the phone about what had landed my eleven year old sister in the hospital.

“Dehydration. I got the stomach bug at school and kept throwing up.” She shrugged, “At least I keep to keep missing school.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I laid down next to her and snuck her her phone from Daphne’s purse. We snickered as she scrolled through her instagram, taunting the other girls from her school. She hated her all-girls boarding school, but Daphne had insisted. I missed hanging out with my sister during the summer. I rarely got to talk with her during the school year. The rest of our siblings were still too young to hold an intelligent conversation.

Around eleven thirty the nurses brought Mordelia some lunch and I remembered how hungry I was. It was lunchtime at Watford and I had skipped breakfast. I also needed to get back. Even if I left now, I probably wouldn’t make it back in time for the start of practice. I definitely couldn’t miss another day of classes. Dev and Niall had been texting all day in a groupchat i’d forgotten we had.

(07:23) Dev: mate where the fuck r u

(07:23) Niall: fucking answer would you

(09:02) Dev: bazzzzzzzz

(09:20) Niall: i stg mate

(010:36) Niall: your cars gone where the fuck did you go

(011:50) Baz: tell coach im sick

(011:54) Dev: hes not gonna believe that. youre never sick

(011:55) Dev: where did you go

(012:14) Dev: are you fucking with me

I didn’t bother trying to find Daphne and my father before I left, but I did send Mordi a bouquet of flowers from the gift shop for when she woke up again. Hopefully Daphne wouldn’t notice her phone gone from her bag. I’d text her later, I promised myself as I hopped back in my car.

I cranked up the volume and kept my eyes on the road, praying they wouldn’t close on me before I reached Watford.

I stumbled back to the dorms across campus in the dark, ignoring the small groups of giggling drunks trying to be discreet, hushing and tripping over each other in the moonlight. I could smell the alcohol from halfway across the courtyard. I figured at this point the teachers just didn’t really give a shit.

I winced as the dorm door creaked, I prayed Snow would sleep through it. Unfortunately, he had always been a light sleeper and he was staring at me when I walked in. He was sitting straight up in bed, he had obviously been asleep: his curls were everywhere. I stifled a laugh and switched on his lamp so I didn’t trip over his dirty clothes. The soggy bathing suits that had been added to his collection of dirty clothes meant that our room always smelled vaguely of chlorine.

“Where the fuck were you?” He growled. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so angry with me (maybe when I held hands with Agatha?). There was fire in his eyes, and it might’ve been the exhaustion, but I could almost see steam coming out of his ears.

“What?” I raised an eyebrow at him. Other than smirking, that was the one thing sure to set him off. I’m convinced it only pisses him off so much because he can’t raise one eyebrow (despite the number of times I’d overheard him insist that Bunce teach him how).

“I waited for you all morning at the pool! And then you never showed up to practice either! What the hell Baz?”

I could feel anger bubbling inside me, “I was busy.” Selfish bastard. I kicked his shoes aside, and made my way towards our bathroom.

“Where did you go?” he was still seething. Snow never knew when to let things go, did he?

I didn’t even realize he enjoyed morning practices that much. I ignored the way my heart lurched at the possibility. The possibility that maybe he enjoyed our time together.

“None of your fucking business, Snow.” I rolled my eyes and tossed my jumper on the bed. The stress of the day was getting to me. I was just happy Mordi would be okay. Eventually, I mean; she still looked like hell when I saw her. At least it wasn’t serious. Maybe I’d try to drive down and see her again on Sunday. Sunday was the only day we didn’t practice.

“Yes, it is! You promised to train me!” he whined. I wanted to choke him. Or kiss him. I still couldn’t figure out which. And I still couldn’t figure out how I’d managed to fall for someone who drove me so crazy.

I spun around to face him. He was sitting on the edge of his bed now, in his boxers, arms across his chest (he really was starting to look more filled out. His scone-pudge was slowly receding. I couldn’t tell if I liked it or not).

“Alright Snow, fine. I drove to Hampshire to see my sister in the hospital.” I snapped and slammed the bathroom door behind me.

When I came back out Snow was asleep again. Figures. I turned off all the lights, and crawled into bed.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 22: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: And, unfortunately, in this instance, I think, Ratchet has to be the cat.

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast.  An episode by episode recap of the generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 22, Enter the Nightbird. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Sure.  We open with a bunch of the Autobots working on the Ark.

O: Installing floor sensors to keep out Decepticons.

S: They fly! The Autobots aren't good at, you know, reasonable thinking or forward planning or, really, considering what their enemies are likely to do.

O: Yeah, I- like, um, this will come into play, specifically, in this episode but I-uh- with a Con who's not part of the normal roster but, I think, just in general, like, Ravage could jump across what little section of the floor they do this to.

S: And then-

O: Laserbeak can fly.

S: Yes! All of the Decepticons can fly in robot mode.

O: Well, do we ever see Ravage fly?

S: I feel like we do.

O: I don't- I don't remember. Probably, though, and we at least know- I'm still convinced he could jump over this or run, get enough momentum, turn into a tape, and go flying over.

S: Yeah, especially because, you know, with mass shifting- “I'm small and tiny and very, very light compared to how I am as a big honking cat.”

O: Exactly.

S: And then Cliffjumper comes running in and says, “There's a famous scientist that wants to talk to Optimus.”

O: I don't know why the line read on this was so funny to me but Cliffjumper sounded like super rushed. It was- it was like, “Hurry up, guys! I want to get back to watching my cartoons!”

S: [Laughter] And here, we’re introduced to Dr. Fujiyama. He's got a proposition for the Autobots.

O: He's also rightly worried about being eavesdropped on by the Cons but, of course, Ironhide tells him that's unlikely.

S: Oh, Ironhide, you’re about to be the wrongest you've ever been.

O: The good doctor here has invented a sexy robot- I mean, a girl robot- I mean, pretty robot- I mean, a ninja robot. [Laughter]

S: He does have the decency to say it's the, “Greatest robot created by man,” so no accidentally insulting the Autobots here.

O: However, Optimus says, “My curiosity is aroused.”

S: Oh, words Megatron's long wanted to hear and they're not for him.

O: [Laughter] The Autobots agree to attend Dr. Fujiyama's unveiling.

S: And, at the unveiling, Ratchet and Wheeljack are Mean Girling the shit out of this thing.

O: As they're joking back and forth, Optimus walks by and says, “We're here to guard the robot, not make jokes at its expense.” Personally, I really liked the line, “I wonder if batteries are included.”

S: And they snicker like middle school children here so it’s like, oh, those guys.

O: I love it, actually, but Dr. Fujiyama unveils the first female-ninja-robot!

S: This show is bad about stereotyping.

O: And we're not even to Carbombia yet and if you think I'm kidding, boy, do I have news for you.

S: Yeah. We’re not kidding, we’re really not kidding.

O: Ah, yeah. Can we talk for a moment that he specifies the first “female” ninja robot. What does this mean? Have there been other female robots? Have there been other male ninja robots?

S: Have there been, like, cat ninja robots?

O: Yeah! Yeah, he does not specify here. I have questions and these questions will never be answered.

S: Oh, so this robot- her name is Nightbird. We should probably mention she's black, grey, and purple.

O: And with that color scheme I think we all know what's coming.

S: We get a chorus of supposedly impressed sound bytes from the audience but one of the voices used is very definitely Ratchet’s voice actor, which is really jarring when Ratchet was insulting this thing, like, two seconds ago.

O: Poor Optimus has to ask what a ninja is.

S: Jazz is like, “Oh! I heard about these things. They’re deadly assassins.”

O: And one man rises from the audience to ask the important questions:

S: “I mustache you, why you decided to build a ninja robot?”

O: The doctor will, unfortunately, give a very unsatisfactory answer as to why he had to build a sexy lady robot as a sexy ninja lady robot other than, “Blah blah blah, expanding humanity's horizons.”

S: Expanding horizons? For what?

O: [Laughter] Uh, that sweet, sweet Robo love! [Laughter]

S: He says that she's not for battle but she has sais and nunchucks! Why would you arm her if she's not for combat?

O: It’s just lovingly ridiculous.

S: Suddenly, we see Trailbreaker get blown through the air as the door behind him explodes and the Decepticons are here.

O: Look! It's my garbage children! Hi, Rumble! Hi, Frenzy!

S: Laserbeak bursts through the ceiling as the last of the humans evacuate.

O: And then Megatron kicks his way through the human-sized door, taking out the wall for good measure, closely followed by Soundwave.

S: Megatron's just like a goddamn Kool-aid Man here.

O: [Laughter] Yep, can I just say how much I love all the destruction right now? Everything is exploding.

S: Megatron walks in and says, “I bring you greetings, Prime, lethal greetings.”

O: I love everything about this. [Laughter]

S: And then we do the weirdest time jump as Megatron goes to shoot Optimus. First, we see Megatron firing, then we cut to a view of Optimus as Bluestreak jumps in front of him as Megatron fires… again?

O: But it seems like it's the first time because Optimus clearly hadn't been hit prior.

S: Yeah.

O: It was weird.  Soundwave finally seems to get some revenge on fucking Brawn, as Brawn attempts to shoot him but Soundwave shoots the platform out from underneath him.

S: And then Mirage shoots Soundwave before he can finish Brawn off.

O: Damn!

S: Megatron is super pissed about this but Optimus gropes, I mean, um, tackles him from behind, causing Megatron’s shot to miss. Elsewhere, Ironhide is fighting Laserbeak and gets stuck under a girder of his own making.

O: He's reaping what he sows, he's getting what he deserves. Yes, I know we used that joke already but I think of it every damn time.

S: And then Optimus tries to save his bud but Megatron shoots him in the back.

O: He looks so gleeful here.

S: Optimus gets back up with no ill effects and then decks Megatron as the Seekers rip off the top of the building to steal Nightbird.

O: And the Megatron decks Optimus and all the Cons fly off.

S: And how they pick up Nightbird is, like, super weird. Like, they send grappling hooks down?

O: Yeah and, basically, the Seekers all fly off with her.

S: Yes.

O: Very strange.

S: They're just dangling this robot lady underneath.

O: Yeah.

S: As they're flying and you know if someone saw it, they'd have to lay off the drink.

O: Yeah, that's a fair statement.

S: The Decepticons return to their extremely obvious temporary base. There is, literally, a giant, purple Decepticon badge sticking up out of the middle of nowhere.

O: Had the Autobots not seen this with the Sky-Spy or something? I feel like this is something that should show up on their scans or something.

S: It damn well should but maybe they forgot to send out a Sky-Spy today.

O: [snorts]

S: Who the fuck knows? Soundwave appears to be their new doorman, as his badge glows and a cave opens up, or a cavern, or something.

O: An entrance and, of course, he's their doorman- the Decepticon symbol’s based on his face after all.

S: It's only fitting. Bombshell shoves a bunch of shit inside of Nightbird and now she's evil. Whoo?

O: Bombshell is super fucking horny for mind control it is creepy as balls.

S: It's so creepy. Nightbird proceeds to sit up and Starscream says some non-complimentary things about her before she jabs him, knocking him over. Apparently Nightbird’s been programmed to steal the “World Energy Chip” from the Autobots.

O: A thing that's literally not been mentioned in this episode up to this point, let alone the series.

S: Yeah, we don't know what the fuck it is.

O: And I feel like their explanation later is kind of lacking.

S: Back with the Autobots, Dr. Fujiyama is begging the bots to get Nightbird back in one piece because she is apparently super important?

O: Uh, I think she was probably very expensive and his vest- investors are pissed at him. As the bots head back to base, Brawn is being an idiot and tries to refuse to ride back in Ratchet so he can walk home while being very damaged? I don't know why he does this or what relevancy this is- this has, sorry.

S: I think they just shoved him, I think Ratchet gives him a talking-to and he ends up getting shoved in.

O: Oh, he does, he does. That's why I'm like, what was the point of the scene? I don't think a place into anything else that happens other than Brawn’s just an idiot.

S: I think it's attempting to show him being a stubborn jackass. Establishing character-

O: It doesn’t have any relevancy in this episode, but okay.

S: Who knows. The Autobots new security system cannot hope to keep out ninjas, as Nightbird breaks in so very easily.

O: She enters through the top of the volcano and hops onto an elevator were Spike and Prowl are having a very ironic conversation about finding her.

S: Nightbird sneaks around the base and gets past the, “state-of-the-art,” floor panels by magnetizing her feet walking up the wall and walking on the ceiling.

O: Which also tells me these things have no sensitivity if something is going right above it, either. She steals the world energy cell or whatever and Ratchet and Optimus are alerted to this when the lights go out.

S: On her way out, she runs into Mirage and promptly kicks his ass.

O: Also, a nice detail, the Autobots are all using their headlights to get around the base since all the lights are off.

S: I'm not sure how Mirage has a light but he's got something. I mean, he's not a street legal car. Formula 1 racers don't have-

O: Headlights.

S: Headlights, yeah. It's just really weird.

O: I can only assume that they, regardless, of, like, what the vehicular alt mode they'd pick they'd have something. Maybe it's, like, default to their anatomy, or he had Ratchet add it. Nightbird unveils that she can shoot buzzsaws from her hands before disappearing.

S: She's a multi-talented lady.

O: Yes, she is.

S: The Autobots catch sight of her outside the Ark and Optimus hits her with a stun gun.

O: Bluestreak approaches her but she jumps up and punches him. Optimus says, “She was playing roboto-possum,” or robot- was it ‘roboto-possum or robot possum?

S: I feel like it was roboto-opossum.

O: Ok, roboto-opossum!

S: Optimussssss!

O: What even is that. Optimus, what even is that?

S: She then proceeds to chuck throwing stars at them.

O: Cliffjumper pulls out a gun, ready to fight, but he has stopped by Optimus and, oh no, now she's got a lightsaber.

S: She's got it all, man.

O: No, really, that was the lightsaber sound effect.

S: Optimus tries to talk to her but she knocks him down and then steals his laser rifle when Bluestreak shoots her sword out of her hand.

O: She runs off and seems to disappear. Again.

S: As a ninja does.

O: As a ninja does, ok. [Laughter]

S: Back at the Decepticon base, Megatron seems very impressed with Nightbird’s performance so far.

O: Starscream is jealous and I am convinced that their goal was to have Megatron talk about Nightbird like this so he sounded like he found her attractive. It really just seems like he's trying to make Starscream jealous, though?

S: And, back at the Ark, Ratchet is fucking amazing because he gets the power back on by, uh, [clicks tongue] futzing with two wires.

O: Yep, he then informs Optimus that Nightbird stole the World Energy Chip.

S: The World Energy Chip can, apparently, tap into any power supply onEearth. It’s like, okay?

O: I have so many questions, like--why do you guys have this? Like, there's gotta be a better way to get you guys power than, oh, by giving you this thing that would be really dangerous if the Decepticons got it, but whatever.

S: I mean, if it was something that just listed all the locations of energy sources that would be dangerous enough instead, no, they've got to give them-

O: Power over them?

S: Yeah. Some very stupid, ill-thought-out thing I can't imagine Earth's governments ever agreeing to.

O: Yeah, yeah. Optimus orders Hound to track Nightbird with his infrared and they corner Nightbird in some sort of canyon and the Autobots follow after her one after another.

S: Like ducklings. And then they have to jump up a cliff. And the only one who needs help is Cliffjumper.

O: You know, for a name like, “Cliffjumper,” he sure can't jump up cliffs very well.

S: He's all about jumping off them, you know. Not- not up them.

O: Obviously. Nightbird attempts to climb up another cliff to get away from the Autobots but falls off and then has to confront them.

S: Mirage proceeds to turn invisible and steals back Optimus’ gun. And here, we have one woman outsmarting five Autobots as they all try to take her down with their special abilities or weapons.

O: An earth made lady robot no less. What I was so-so- Uh, about Ratchet and Wheeljack being a dick, earlier. She's kicking their friends’ butts.

S: Yep. Megatron's watching all of this as he tells Starscream he's definitely going to replace him with Nightbird.

O: Of course, Starscream then tries to attack Megatron in retaliation to this comment but Megs just has him tossed into an energy cage.

S: And then Starscream pterodactyl screeches and, like, it's just.

O: It's very weird moment.

S: Yeah, apparently in the script or whatever, he's supposed to actually touch the thing but he doesn't actually do that in the animation. He just screeches.

O: He just screeches.

S: He's just a dramatic jet.

O: He is a very dramatic jet. Nightbird is finally captured and Megatron mobilizes the rest of the Cons to retrieve her.

S: The Autobots and Decepticons fight. Again!

O: Megs has a new toy, another gun: An antimatter blaster, which he uses to free Nightbird from an energy cage the Autobots have trapped her in.

S: And then we cut to the Decepticon base where Starscream is still trapped in his cage.

O: Why are there so many damn cages in this episode?

S: They just love cages, man.

O: All I can think is, “kinky.”

S: Yeah. Starscream fires the gentlest missile in existence that taps the button to release himself.

O: He then flies off to show up Megatron's precious ninja.

S: Nightbird is still kicking everyone's ass but Starscream shoots her with his Null Ray and Megatron chases after him with the rest of the Cons in tow. The Autobots then proceed to return Nightbird to Dr. Fujiyama, who's delighted that she doesn't have a scratch on her.

O: How was that even possible, given everything that happened in this episode? You know she got hit at least a couple of times!

S: She's a durable lady.

O: Earth technology!

S: They say she's deprogrammed but she honestly just looks pissed as hell about being locked up forever at the end of the episode.

O: Who knows?

S: Yeah.

O: And the episode cuts with basically her being super angry and her eyes glowing menacingly. Join us next time for Changing Gears. Helpful, happy Gears? The horror!

S: Mm-hmm.

O: And I hope you're ready for Don Messick because there's a lot of Don Messick in the next  episode. So, something I wanted to talk about is in the Legend comics, apparently Nightbird actually got released and got an alt.

[It’s actually Transformers: Earth Wars where Nightbird gains an alt, not Transformers Legends, which is a mobile game ~Owls]

S: Ooooh!

O: Um, they actually released a toy of it recently. And it was looks pretty cool, so I have the link- I have the post queued up and I’ll- I'll post it when we post this episode.

S: Nice-

O: I just thought it was neat.

S: Was it a retool of one of the Arcee toys?

O: It actually wasn't Arcee, I don't think. You know what, I'll pull it up.

[There’s been two toys of Nightbird.  The Transformers Legends version is a retool of Arcee, while the Generations version is the retool of Chromia ~Owls]  

S: Oh yeah.

O: It is a- it is a retool of Chromia, actually.

S: Nice.

O: And it does look pretty neat, so-

S: It does look kick-ass.

O: Uh, if uh-

S: I wouldn't mind having one of her.

O: Yeah, I've had that thought, too. So, if you either go looking for this or you see Nightbird and think her design actually looks kind of neat, there is actually a Transformer available or a, you know, a figure available of her now.

S: And it actually looks pretty- pretty much like her. Actually, if you could pull it up again I'd like - it's like, yeah, we've got the right head, she's got-

O: Like, it's obviously not perfect. Especially, you know, being a retool of a different one, but- but- but I think it's a good version of, like oh, if she could transform kind of thing, you know.

S: It's got this- it's got the general, um, silhouette of her.

O: Yeah.

S: Except with, you know, transforming parts which she obviously didn't have.

O: Yeah, she- she didn't have any kibble.

S: Yeah but, I mean, none of the lady bots- none of the female bots have kibble.

O: A bunch of them don’t, yeah you’re right.  They've gotta look like sexy, lady robots, don't you know?

S: They gotta be, uh, obviously, visibly girls.

O: Again, I’m convinced the only reason they have them in there is because they're, like, “Oh, no!”

S: “We’ve gotta cover our asses.”

O: Pretty much!

S: Yeah.

O: Anyway, she does look cool and we will be posting- at least, posting pictures. I don't think I'll actually have a link on this but somebody had- had actually posted pictures online. I was like this looks neat!

S: Yeah, I think it's cool.

O: So, Specs, what is our fanfic for today?

S: We have two fanfiction recommendations for today, one which I will be covering and the other Owls will be covering.

O: Yep.

S: The first is “Return of the Nightbird” by Zilly. It's uh, continuity-wise, it's G1 cartoon with G1 comic elements. I don't remember if those are IDW elements or Marvel elements. It's been a while since I've had a- since I put this on the list.

O: Whoops.

S: Yeah, it's been a while. This is one of the-

O: It says G1 comic elements, so I'm gonna assume it's the G1 comic?

S: Yes, but it could be G1 Marvel comic or it could be IDW G1.

O: Oh, okay, when I put them on here I usually specify IDW or G1 comic so...

S: I did that- I've been doing that recently, but I hadn't-

O: But this is an older rec, right.

S: Yeah, this is one that I put on, like, at the very beginning- when we started this, so this has been on the list for like, six months.

O: Yeah.

S: So it's a rated T, it's Gen, there's no pairings. Characters: Marissa Faireborn, Nightbird, and Earthforce. So I'm guessing Marvel Comics, maybe?

O: Okay.

S: Marissa and the Earthforce reactivate the robot Nightbird and learn her origin is far more complicated than anyone expected. And the character for this one is obviously Nightbird.

O: I've read this one, too, and I actually- I like it. I think it works better as an explanation for all the stuff that Nightbird did in this episode, if that makes sense. Like, the whole, the Autobots can't even put a scratch on her it seems kind of ridiculous that she has the origin we're told she has in here.

S: That's cool, because I'm pretty sure I read it, I just don't remember. Let's go to yours.

O: So, um, my recommendation is, “Two Good Old Boys,” by Not_Whelmed_Yet. And the continuity is IDW, it's rated G, it's Gen, there are no pairings. The characters are Ratchet, Rung and some original alien characters

And in summary: Ratchet is taking his first vacation in a millennia and he's going to- wait? He's going to a model ship hobbyists conference? That can't be right. Ratchet gets some bonding time with the ship's most popular and only therapist on a relaxing vacation that definitely won't turn into a bit of an adventure.

And the theme for this is, uh, basically, “free space,” in that Specs forgot to make it- to add a second- second fic and I have decided that if that happens I'm going to recommend fics that I don't actually see a chance for me to recommend in any other context. Namely because most of the characters involved are characters from the IDW comics which I don't see us covering any point in the near future or maybe ever. Um, so I would like to start tossing some of these in here. Or it's, like, some pairings and stuff that don't exist in other continuities aside from the comics. It is actually very fun, though so I do recommend reading it, cuz it's just sort of this fun weird adventure romp with a, you know, Ratchet and Rung, who's just a delightful, nice guy. So enjoy!

S: Well I haven't read that so I'm going to.

O: You should read it, I think you'll like it. I want to see- say it was part of, like, Secret Solenoid or something last year, so I saw it get posted either from- from the person who it was gifted to or by the person who did it. I don't remember which one.

S: All right, let's get to that outro! And that just about wraps it up for us today! Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word) and at various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast. Such as: AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few. Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I'm Owls!

S: Toodles!

[Outro Music]

[frostywraith]

New Story

Hello. Currently writing a story about a couple oc's and a BBS/Misfitz AU. It takes place in San Diego where one man holds the city in the palm of his hand through his very powerful gang. The story follow my oc's gaining powers after a freak accident and teaming up with some of the BBS and Misfitz boys to try and bring the gang down I also want to warn about a lot of gore, language, and violence throughout the whole story. Hope you enjoy Chapter 1: How it All Started As I lay there on the cold, hard, concrete floor, a mixture of my father, brother, and my blood soaking my clothes I remembered the face that did this to us, to me. The face that held no remorse or guilt. His dark brown eyes and slick combed back black hair, the scar that ran across his jawline, his almost insane facial expressions as he beat us. He thought that I would die in that dark alleyway but all he did was ensure that he would be in the same position as me, only he would die. He would die, that I knew, and it would be more slow, agonizing, and painful than anything he could do to me. This is the start of the story of how 5 losers saved San Diego The memory of that horrid day still haunts me. They day that Micheal Batchman, the ringleader of the largest crime syndicate of the Western United States, had killed my twin brother and father in cold blood. Because my father had missed a payment on our "protection fee", it cost him his life. That day as I lay in a a pool of blood I promised I would kill him for what he'd done. Little did I know two weeks later I would have the powers to do it. My name is Hayden Howlett and this my story The day Micheal killed my family is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. The sun was shining over over the clear blue sky, it was the middle of August and school had just started 3 days ago. I was wearing my favorite Red Nike hoodie dispite my fathers protest and snarky comments from my twin. We went to school as normal, my brother, the athlete of the family went to his early morning football practice while I, the brother with the brains went with my few friends in our corner of the gym, one of which was captain of the football team Jared Batchman, he was a massive geek under that football helmet but I was the only one that knew, the other thing was obvious from his last name, my other 4 friends weren't much but I loved them. Quincy Marshal, one of the few African-american students which gave him his share of "token friend" remarks, anyone who made those were promptly quieted by him. Almost every week he had different designs for the sides of his short black hair. He was like and older brother to me, he was an animal nerd dispite him acting like one of the jocks so I've learned I lot about animals being his friend for so long. Aiden Kasady is my best friend, he was an odd ball at times coming up with dangerous and weird stuff to do all the time, after being his friend for just a year I learned how to put out fires In the most successful and quickest ways possible, he was a quiet kid a so was I so there was no need to separate us as kids but our such similar name's made it nearly impossible to get our names right and still happens to this day Shane Williams is a very lazy kid, we had to practically drag him out of his house but he was a kind hearted and shy kid but around us he was the main person to help Aiden with his stupid adventures and other dumb stuff Max Wilson was quiet and soft spoken, a very small person with a lot of anger that got him in trouble more often than not, that kid is practically my son, he was always up for Aiden and Shane and whatever they could come up with and usually was the one to get hurt so I'm usually no more than 3 feet away from him at all times, he was an jerk but he meant well and cares for the people he's a jerk to. After school my brother and I were walking home and during our conversation my brother noticed a black Porche that had been following us, he grabbed my wrist and took of without a word dragging me behind him as the car sped after us, my brother ran down an alleyway, the car didn't stop it's pursuit pushing its way past garbage cans and old cardboard boxes, just as we were about to exit the alley another car, a red corvette blocked our exit sealing us in the dark alley, three men suddenly exited the car behind us, one pulled a gun out of his jacket pocket while the other two grabbed my brother and I. We we're completely frozen in fear as they grabbed us and forced us into the backseat of the car, the man with the gun sat to my left while Clyde sat to my right. Lights flashed by us as we drove to the edge of the city, people walked on the beach and sidewalks in pairs, groups, or alone, if only someone could see through the black tinted windows that blocked us from the view of everyone outside. "What do you want with us?" My brothers voice snapped me out of my trace, the man in the passenger seat looked back at us "It's not what we want with you, it's what Michael wants with you two" he mocked at us, my brother turned to face me "Isn't that Jared's dad?" I nodded not wanting to speak "what does he want with us?" Clyde asked, very interested in the subject "I'll let him explain it to you two" the man with the gun next to me spoke, joining the conversation. Silence filled the car until we pulled into an underground parking lot of a mansion. "Get out" the driver finally spoke after he parked the car, we complied and exited following the two while the third man with the gun stayed behind us, he led us past a very expensive looming kitchen and towards an elevator and motioned his hand for us to get in, we complied and stepped through the large metal doors into the glass interior. I could only focus on the reflection of the glass in front of me as I stood in between Clyde and the man with the gun, the only noise in the elevator was the ding of the change of floors as we gradually ascended into the mansion. The elevator opened, revealing a sight that made my heart drop, Micheal stood over my dad holding an aluminum bat that was covered in blood, my dad's face was covered in blood and bruises. When he heard the door open he turned to face us, a look of joy spread across his face while my dad has replaced his pain with terror. "Clyde and Hayden Howlett! How good of you two to finally join our little party" Michael sounded pleased, but I could hear the insanity in his voice "Micheal... Please don't hurt them" my dad croaked out, his voice sounded course and dry like he had been screaming for hours. "Oh James, you know I don't make promises" Michael smiled menacingly and pointed to our captor with the gun "Steve, cuff them" the man with the gun complied and put the two of us in handcuffs and threw us to our knees. "Now that you're all together I might as well tell you why you're here" he pointed his bat at my dad "Someone missed their protection payment to make sure a specific crime syndicate didn't fuck with his family" Micheal pushed that bat against his face Our gazes turned to our dad who we could barley tell it was him because of how jacked up his face was. "I-I'm sorry kids" my dad's eyes drifted to the floor In shame, he had accidentally dragged his children into the shit storm he tried so desperately to keep us out of. "Oh you're gonna be sorry James, now who gets the bat first?" He moved that bad motioning to all three of us "How about.... You!" A sharp pain exploded in the side of my head catching me off guard, I fell to the floor as a cry of pain escaped my mouth. My head hit the concrete floor beneath me hard. More pain shot through my side as Micheal brought his bat down on my again and again and again. Blood poured out of my mouth onto the floor, I could feel my ribs cracking under the constant force of the bat. Clyde had somehow broken out of his handcuffs and punched Michael square in the face sending blood out of his mouth as he stumbled back finally letting me breath. "Wrong choice shithead. Steve!" The blonde bodyguard put brass knuckles on his fist and with one square punch to the jaw, sent Clyde into the wall. Steve landed punch after punch into his stomach sending blood spurting from his mouth onto the blonde, Clyde grabbed Steve's wrist and twisted it making it snap. Then delivered a swift knee to the stomach, the bodyguard fell fell to the ground giving Clyde the chance to grab me and rush into the elevator,  flipping Michael off while he pressed the elevator button The doors shut and he quickly got me out of the cuffs "How the fuck did you manage to do that!" I said, still slightly buzzed from the hit to the head "I'm a tough kid HayDog, you know that" he knew I hated that name but because I was too zoned out to care he said it anyway, the doors opened and we rushed to the garage, well more like he dragged me as I crashed into everything, I must have grabbed something because I felt a cool metallic object hidden in my hoodie pocket, Clyde found a car and punched the driver side window and opened it and set me in the seat "You remember how to hot wire right?" He could clearly see I was back from my gaze at the steering wheel. "Yeah, I think I got this" I said as I began messing with the wires underneath. The car stared in a snap as I took off driving through the metal gate and into the streets ahead, we could hear cars speeding after us as I kept driving trying to avoid them, a car that was tailing us suddenly rammed into the back of our car and we spun in circles and collided with a stop sign. Clyde and I scrambled out of the car and bolted down the nearest alley. Two men in black suits grabbed us out of nowhere and held us, the object I grabbed flashed through my mind, a kitchen knife, the largest one in the room, I pulled it out of my hoodie pocket and jammed it into the guys neck, blood spewed out of his throat as he fell to the ground, I jumped on the back of the one holding Clyde and shoved the blade into his neck, forcing him to let go as he met the same fate as his comrade. We got as far as we could until Micheal and two other men blocked our path, I ran at one of the men and tried to stab him with the knife, he managed to get it out of my hand and panted it into my right thigh  sending me to the ground as Michael shoved his bat into Clyde's throat and into the brick wall. "Congratulations kids, you two managed to kill twp of my guys and put my best man out for a while. I would be impressed if it wasn't my men, so now you must pay for killin' em" He rained down the bat onto Clyde beating him senseless and all I could do was watch as shock, panic, and pain froze my blood and veins solid leaving me motionless. What had felt like hours of Micheal taking turns on Clyde, my dad, and myself the searing pain had finally stopped coming. "Well James, pleasure doing business with you, hope we never see you again, mainly because you're fucking dead." It was true, as much as it hurt he killed him a while ago, he had snapped his neck with his bear hands and left him there to stare at us as he beat the two of us senseless. Micheal took off and left Clyde and I to die there in the alley, laying next to each other soaking in blood. "H-Hayden?" Clyde choked out "Yeah? What is it?"I managed to reply "Do you remember my favorite color?" "Of course, it's orange. How can I forget that?" "Wh-What's my favorite animal?" "A Bengal Tiger, you do love cats" I let out a halfhearted laugh "What's my favorite type of movies?" "You love those shit romcoms" We both laughed at that one "My favorite type of music?" "Classical... Clyde what's the point of-" "-What's your favorite color" "Blue," "Favorite animal?" "Wolf," "Favorite movie type?" "Horror," "Favorite music type?" "Rock metal," "You see it now?" "See what Clyde?" "Us you dumbass... we're opposites" "What does that have to do with us dying" "Everything, I'm going to die Hayden. We both know that. So if you're my opposite what does that mean?" "I have to live?" "Yes Hayden. More importantly, you have to kill Micheal. Do it for me and dad... promise me ok?" He reached his hand toward mine as tears streaked down his face I took his hand in mine "Okay Clyde, I'll kill him.... I'll do it for you bro" "Thank you, I love you Hayden" "I love you too Clyde" we were both crying now. Life slowly faded from his eyes as he left me to complete my promise. I'll do it, I'm gonna kill that sick bastard. I made a promise to my brother The world around me grew fuzzy as ask slowly faded from consciousness, the last thing I heard before I blacked out was someone screaming Brock! Tyler! Come help me!

[junker-town]

Trash Or Nawl: The 10 trash albums of the year

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what's going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I've given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn't trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it's up to you.

Good morning, hopefully y’all are hungover too. Today on a special edition of Trash Or Nawl, I’m finna discuss why y’all decided to make and praise these garbage ass albums. A lot of the blogs kept saying these tapes were fire, so we found out. Please enjoy this rare moment of where I put my Diddy hat and matching fur on.

“The inability to tell the difference between good pop and trash pop is the sign of a music philistine.” — My editor, Nate Scott.

With that in mind, I’m bout to fry tf outta all of the music Nate likes. [Editor’s Note: I don’t even like two-thirds of these albums and I’m not sure why I’m allowing this article to run, but whatever. Happy Holidays everyone.]

Lorde — Melodrama

I’m so muhfuckin tired of you internet people tellin me that Lorde, who basically only makes music that belongs on FIFA video game soundtracks, is making good music. This is some bullshit. Last night, I thought I was bangin out some whiskeys and was ready to party and tried out this wannabe Avatar background music. Woke up in a daze, night ruined.

And don’t you give me that “you a hating ass asshole I love Lorde” bullshit. I was gettin busy when “Royals” came out just like you were. And then whatever the hell “Green Light” is came on and ruined it. Lorde gon’ stop whisper singin’ on these tracks.

[Editor’s Note: This is one of the albums on this list that is objectively Good, and you need to understand that Tyler is just doing this to get a rise out of me and you.]

Also idk who told Lorde that this pop art album cover was litty, because this some diet Pablo Picasso ass shit. Ain’t fuckin wit it.

Haim — Something To Tell You

What the actual fuck is this? Most of these artists also just sound the same: like some weird version of whatever ‘80s movies made for white people were. Like, this easily coulda been the opening music for Pretty Woman. “Want You Back” doesn’t even make sense to me. Do you have a fear of forgiveness? Are you too proud? Are you blaming yourself?

We gotta stop telling our kids in grade school they can do anything they set their minds to because then we get shit like this. Seriously tho. I’m tired of the re-incarnation of Hall & Oates making pop music. I listened to “Founded It in Silence” five times by accident before I realized it was playing and not just my heater making noise.

Feist — Pleasure

Before “Pleasure” finally came on, I thought I got an album that didn’t have any music on it. Then when the song started and I spent the next minute not knowing what was actually said. The guitar was dope tho. Can’t hate on that. That fuckin guitar was dope as hell. But if I actually hear the word “pleasure” anymore in the way I have on this album that makes me think I’m in a Brooklyn dive bar with some round glasses ass hipsters wit they stupid turtle faces, I’m finna fight someone.

This album makes me feel like I’ve taken a lot of acid. I’ve never even had acid. Someone send me acid so I can know how I’m supposed to feel for listening to this album. [Editor’s Note: Please do not do this.] But, still. Can’t lie. This guitar is real real dope. Especially on “I Wish I Didn’t Miss You” but that ain’t gonna cut it, fam.

Charly Bliss — Guppy

I can fucks with a lil bit of some good rock music. But this fake ass Paramount [Editor’s Note: I think he meant Paramore but it’s a lot funnier as Paramount so I’m leaving it] sounding ass band wasn’t poppin. The drums was litty tho. New Indie Rock loves to do this thing where it remakes music that was born in the 80s but also the 90s now too. I felt like this coulda been played in Bring It On when Kirsten Dunst was hype because some bro made her a mixtape with his I’m Really Doing Something In Life struggle stubble. Also: Go Clovers.

Guppy wasn’t as bad as Lorde and Haim and Feist, but I just felt like someone was crying to me for 30 minutes. It also isn’t Future, Kendrick, SZA, John Legend, Migos, Badu or anything resembling it. Shit. This ain’t eem Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah” level litty. [Editor’s Note: (Long, sustained sigh)] This ain’t making me pick up a guitar. Yeen head noddin to this. I can’t keep lettin y’all whine on a track and say you waxin poetic. I fuckin refuse. Empire wouldn’t even play this on they show.

Jason Isbell — The Nashville Sound

This is purely here because in a world where we’ve decided we ain’t fuckin with blatant white supremacy and nationalism (lol, this won’t last), I am triggered by a song titled “The Last Of My Kind.” Also, Isbell getting mad because folks laughed at him in college as a justification for this song is highkey highkey highkey the same reason people comment on Breitbart.

Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images for Country Music Hall Of Fame & Museum

He also made a song called “White Man’s World,” which, lol, y’all never really need to keep asking why folks don’t listen to country if this what y’all keep giving us. #WokeSZN #Resist #DumpTrump

[Editor’s Note: All the sportswriters of the world who are obsessed with this dude, please know that I had nothing to do with this section. Jason Isbell is great. Jason Isbell is the best. The Beatles? Beethoven? Fuck em. There is no one better than Jason Isbell, except maybe Bruce Springsteen, who I think you all also love for whatever reason. Please, for the love of god, don’t yell at me on Twitter.]

Margo Price — All American Made

A lot of you On The Internet Money Makin Whites love Margo Price. So because of that (and because OG Willie Nelson was making an appearance) I turned this on expecting non-pretentious and pompous ass country bangers I am accustomed to. Y’all told me this. Y’all told me she was the shit.

Welp.

Somebody call Deputy Raylan Givens and whip up that good wild west bullshit because Margo sound like the soundtrack to Justified. Margo dropped some bars that say “a little pain never hurt anyone” which is a whole lie because I promise you I was reeling from this weak shit.

OG Willie was dope tho. Don’t worry about that.

Taylor Swift — Reputation

Y’all knew this was gone be here.

First of all: IF CARDI B WASHED YO MIDDLE OF PENNSYLVANIA ASS ON THE CHARTS THEN YOU SHOULDA KNOWN WE FINNA GET THAT ASS UP OUTTA HERE BOI.

**re-adjusts collar**

I’m sad Future had to be dragged onto this album, but I know he owe Rocko a few Brinks trucks so I understand. I don’t know what Taylor keeps doing with these albums, tho. She’s always gonna get a few body rolls from me just because Future was featured here on some childish ass beats. But, y’all can’t expect me to think it’s pawpin for Tay Tay in the year of our lord 2017.

Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images

The New York Times, however, wants you to know this was super hot fire. Smh.

Katy Perry — Witness

Listen dog. I used to get it EXTREMELY LIT at high school mixers to some Katy Perry. Ain’t nobody gonna ever tell me Katy Perry wasn’t the white T-Pain at one point in my life. Left Shark is the hero this world needed at a time we didn’t know it. But the song “Swish Swish” which includes a line saying “Swish Swish Bish” featuring Nicki Minaj is one of the worst things created in a year full of some of the worst things ever.

The thing I didn’t expect: Nicki Minaj was actually the second-best thing about as much of this album as I was able to tolerate. Quavo yelling “KATY PERRY,” harmonizing with her in autotune, rapping many random “ayes,” yelling his own name, and randomly saying “Bon Appetit” on “Bon Appetit” is the best thing. [Editor’s Note: This is actually correct.] I need you to notice, the good things here have nothing to do with the person who made the music. If Space Jam and an elevator had a child and it grew to become a singer, it would make this album.

Macklemore — Gemini

Skylar Grey SANG her ass owf on this tape for “Glorious.” But Macklemore following up her vocals with “I’m feelin glorious, the crib lookin Victorian, you know we been goin in, since we hopped out that Dolorean, I’m gone, things are just things, they don’t make you who you are, can’t pack up a UHaul and take it wit you when you gone, we posted on the porch my family glasses to the stars, my grandma smiling down on me like OUU THAT BOY GOT BARS” is the most sickening thing I’ve ever had to take part in.

I don’t know if I’m more mad that another Macklemore album came out or the people who keep letting Macklemore let another Macklemore album come out. The sad part is: Macklemore actually gets some really fire ass beats. But we keep getting some fake ass Eminem verses because nobody gonna tell Macklemore either 1) he can’t rap that well or 2) he can’t rap that well about happy go lucky shit all the time.

Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images

Mack also steps on Kesha’s angelic vocals on “Good Old Days,” Yachty’s assumed piano playing in “Marmalade,” and Offset’s ad-libs on “Willy Wonka,” which is just unconscionable. Also every single song on this tape except “Ten Million” had a feature. He reverse J. Cole’d himself. What world are we living in.

DJ Khaled & Friends — Grateful

I’m mad at Khaled for several reasons:

I followed him on Snapchat in anticipation to this album

His bit is lowkey tiresome at this point

Asahd is the most handsome baby in the world, which brings envy from my being

The album has 23 songs and is an hour-and-a-half long

The album was no where near any other Khaled bangers out

Khaled hyped this shit up for no good damn reason

That being said, this Khaled tape is probably the best worst tape of the year. “Shining” with Beyonce and her lil’friend is a fun song, and Qween has never made bad music. You’re welcome, Shea Moisture Twitter. “Wild Thoughts” still got me thinking about Havana fwiw even tho Bryson Tiller is the corniest dude alive next to Big Sean. “I’m The One” had me trine buy Bieber Merch and loudly singing said song at many functions. “I Love You So Much” was some cute Disney shit. “On Everything” had me jumpin on people’s couches.

But literally the other 80 percent of the tape is hot ass garbage. Which is super disappointing because a dude with the most Jordans in the world, prettiest baby alive, 18 mansions, superstar friends, and a call log that would envy the Lord hisself should be able to do marginally better than this.

Most times I think Khaled’s music is only good as an audio soporific. Sometimes that’s okay. Not this time. I’ve been deceived. To make up for this: Khaled plz send me some sneakers, Bellaire Rose and Jordan sweatsuits and all will be forgotten. [Editor’s Note: Khaled, don’t do thi... Actually, you know what? Khaled, do this. And throw in a sweatsuit for me.]

We’re good, Khaled. Because at the end of the day: You still better than Lorde.

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.