#someone needs to get my girl some lexapro or something

[romajuliettesupremacy]

stephanie garber wrote scarlett dragna for the mentally ill girlies, the older sisters, and the swifties

[swampgallows]

thread on reddit about “what made you not kill yourself?” and all these people being like ohh my pets, my kids, my family, my best friend, etc and all i can think of is how people in my life would just make it about themselves

when T died all these fake ass motherfuckers came out of the woodwork talking about how they loved him sooo much and blah blah blah. none of these people fucking took him in. i lived in my dorm at the time but i let him sleep on my floor when i could get away with it, he even stayed over at my parents house once or twice cause they knew he was a good guy. all these people who knew he was trying to go straight and recover but kept pulling him back into drug shit. the system failed him in a lot of ways too (esp options limited to people who’ve been to prison) but i saw how people around him failed him too. i, too, feel that i failed him. i could have done things differently, but i was young and naiive. 

ive written it before but when T died the main reaction was people making it about themselves, how theyre so sad now, how theyre missing something, etc.  theyd make him take the bus to his own fuckin parties. demand guest list when it was like 10-15 at the crud. his own fucking mom wouldnt take him in but still posts on his fb all the time about how she misses her beautiful boy. when it came to actual talking about T, the majority of people just sort of shrugged and went “eh, he was on that track anyway” or “it was inevitable” or “it was bound to happen eventually”, and feeling no real remorse or regret that someone who was clearly in need of help never got any. 

and i feel pretty certain that would happen with me. all the people who bullied me in high school hearing that “bead girl killed herself, but eh, she was always pretty weird” or “well she’s always been depressed so :\” or “omg did covid finally get her? she never shut the fuck up about it” or “oh THOSE PEOPLE would have just died of the flu anyway”. those people. those people. those people. hell people have been begging me to kill myself since i was like 13 years old, i would just be fulfilling their wish.

there is a lot of talk about ‘battling suicide’ and ‘raising awareness’ but we still dont use the language yet about losing the battle. we never say we lost someone to suicide, we still say that they “committed” it, that it was an act on their part unprecedented by anything else, a choice they made that was “selfish” and independent of other factors. some have been trying to say people “die by suicide”, but you dont hear anyone say that people die of depression or that people die of mental illness.

and yet they do. they die of illness. they die of mental illness. suicide is not something that happens when you are healthy. every fiber of our being rebels against it, unless there is an illness to override it. saying it is a selfish choice someone made is like accusing someone of purposefully cultivating their cancer. and yet people do that too, the way they treat substance users. they ignore what help these people need and blame them for their poor coping mechanisms or their lack of access to treatment.

yes, i know being isolated at home for the last decade isn’t the best for my mental health, but what else am i supposed to do about it? “Go to the doctor”? and what then, genius? is prozac going to pay bills? will effexor boost my resumé with more work experience? does wellbutrin immunize against covid? does cymbalta allow me to meet with my therapist more than once every 6 weeks? is a daily dose of zoloft all i need to combat ptsd? does lexapro double as emdr, c/dbt, ect, or other professionally-led treatments? did me personally taking celexa remove any of the institutional barriers preventing me from connecting with my community, feeling included, being productive and valued and capable of actually participating in the world around me?

no. it made me hallucinate and unable to sleep for 56 hours.

[whump-town]

The Unforgiving Tide

Today I got my first dose of the Covid vaccine so to celebrate I wrote Mortch h/c because I love it and I can't help it. It's also centered around one of my favorites-- Route 66 so enjoy the pain assholes

No warnings or anything just the normal stuff

Derek Morgan knows one thing for certain and that is that there is absolutely no way that anything about love is a choice. The absolute light of his life, the person who puts a pep in his step and gets him through the day is Penelope Garcia and that is who he would choose. Day in and day out, it is Penelope and he loves her to the ends of the Earth but love, as Derek has come to understand it, is very much so not about choices. Rarely is it ever the easiest and that’s, of course, the option Derek has been given. Because while Penelope fancies the worst type of men and the prettiest women Derek gets her polar opposite.

Which is strange because he knows he’s heard somewhere that love like his balances out in some ways-- that Aaron and Penelope should have more in common. But Aaron looks like if the Grim Reaper walked among them and Penelope as if one person could harness all that is the rainbow. Well… maybe that’s only for straight people and those not screwed by life into falling in love with brooding, silent idiots like Aaron Hotchner.

None of them say it, and he’s acutely aware that he’s mostly the reason why, but it feels strange without Hotch here with them. Dave unflinchingly keeps them moving on, doesn’t push at Derek’s coiling rattlesnake of a mood, but he keeps them in motion. The others need it because this is the part of the job that they stumble over. The part that requires they leave certain things behind. Today it’s Hotch not even an hour after seeing his limp form moved from the conference floor onto a stretcher. When they’d watched for seven and a half minutes as he lay on the floor unresponsive. Deaf to Dave frantically calling out his name, to JJ trying to squeeze his hand to make his fingers curl back around hers.

Derek had sat on the plane looking at all the signs he’d managed to miss. The WebMD page pulled up on his screen so he could flick back and forth between his messages with Aaron and the symptoms listed out on the page. Felt his stomach churn as each symptom made its way into their conversations from the week. How Aaron had known something was wrong but Derek hadn’t, he wasn’t even concerned. He’d let Aaron turn food away and didn’t press on that like he should have. Aaron had told him his blood pressure was low, anxiously rubbing at his fingers and his voice going breathless with his struggle to admit that. Derek had… He’s become blind to the countless, never-ending problems with Aaron’s body and now Aaron’s having emergency surgery for something Derek should have seen. Alone in Virginia while Derek hunts down some girl who likely doesn’t want to be found.

Because Derek hadn’t seen.

He hadn’t known.

“He’ll be okay,” JJ whispers, squeezing his fingers the same way she had Aaron’s. He looks down at their joined hands, hears Dave calling out for Aaron again. Hears the silence of his own thoughts, remembers that he’d just stood there. Maybe the problem isn’t Aaron at all…

Somehow he ends up angry, not at himself, but at Aaron. The doctors are always warning him about things like this. Dips or rises in his blood pressure are detrimental to his body, he can’t regulate his body temperature like a normal person. He has to have so much caloric intake daily. When he doesn’t meet that level he’s playing a very dangerous game with his body. Throw in the anticoagulants that he takes, the Lexapro, the steroids that bombard his body to fight off the arthritis swelling in his right hand. There are so many more and Derek can’t even begin to name them, Aaron can’t either. If he misses a dose their day crashes to the ground.

He needs that medicine to survive and Derek doesn’t need to be told that somewhere along the line this can be accounted for. That he’ll find one too many of something in one of those prescription bottles pushing the cabinet’s ability to stay closed. A doctor’s going to tell him Aaron’s weight has dropped again and they’ll probably put him on some special diet that makes him miserable. Have him choking down thick smoothies choked full of spinach and vitamins and some special blend of chalk.

Where was Derek?

He’s in the kitchen with Aaron, they eat ⅔ of their meals together. Derek checks these things so how did it slip by him? How did he miss something so in his face?

-------------

Time is very warped but he knows the intensity of the pain eating up his body. Overwhelming heat spreading through him, breaking his skin out in a cold sweat that leaves him shivering and moving wounds that he can’t see but he can most certainly feel. His dry lips part and he grunts, eyelids too heavy to do more than flutter but he can see the blurred outline of someone by his side. Can track pale flesh to where it’s connected to his own.

“Hotch?” a cold hand presses to his face, a finger brushing through a tear that slides down his cheek. “You’re okay.”

That’s not really the question, not the most pressing thing on his mind. Memories tangle in his poor understanding of past and present. Tasers and gunshots and stabbings-- he can’t discern what has happened with what already did. Bits of tragedies creating a confusing web he finds himself ensnared in.

He sees blonde hair, feels those cold fingers ghosting along his skin. “Garcia?” he asks because he needs one solid piece of truth to hold onto. “What happened?” She won’t lie to him, he trusts this blindly. There’s something about the two of them, with or without Derek in the equation, that draws them to one another. A safety he finds in all her brightness, like turning your face to the sun and he is everything that she is not but there is always safety in his shadows. A place she can tuck herself into to escape being known for just a moment and just be.

She squeezes his fingers, bringing feeling to them. The movement is something to focus on, something real where only hazy snippets have made themselves known. “I don’t--” she’s uncertain if she’s allowed to tell him. The risk of upsetting him far larger than her want to please him by telling him. “Everyone’s ok. We’re all okay.”

His hum of understanding comes delayed, his presence of mind slipping. He wants to press on, ask more questions, and know exactly what she means by everyone and what “okay” constitutes. Not because he doesn’t necessarily trust her but because he isn’t sure how many people is everyone. Jack? Did he hurt his own son? Is Emily here? Did he hurt her? What about Dave? He feels distanced from Dave but he won’t forgive himself if he hurt the other man. And what of Derek? Oh… Derek, would she really tell him if he were hurt?

She presses her palm to his forehead, working her fingers through his soft hair. Smiling when he turns into her, closing his mouth and giving in. Stopping this futile fight. “Just rest,” she assures him. “You’re okay.” He thinks, passively as she presses a kiss to his temple and tugs the blankets closer to his chest, that she’s being too tender. Too nice. He hasn’t got the proof just yet but he’s too tired to push for more.

-------------

Derek goes home as soon as they land in Virginia, he can feel their eyes on his back as he moves to his car without comment. They got Samantha Wilcox and now his job is done, nothing he does anymore has to be something that they see and he cherishes the thirty minutes it’s going to take to get home. Thirty whole minutes to do what he needs to. Cry or scream or punch something and all without Spencer’s sad eyes following him or JJ trying to be supportive. He just wants to feel unabashed and freely, without consequence.

He turns the volume of his CD up, tears form and the last thing he wants to hear are his own sobs. He’s not focused on the music, he just needs something loud and distracting to get him home. The CD starts to play and quickly, harder than what’s necessary he turns it off. It’s Aaron’s and angry tears that he can’t blink away swell in his eyes as he thinks about how much he hates the song “Back In the USSR”. It’s just bad music but Aaron loves it.

And he’s back to thinking about reality and not this bubble of nothing he’s trying to convince himself he has. Aaron’s go-bag is with Penelope but there are other things that he needs that won’t be in there. Derek realizes that he has no idea if the hospital will need Aaron’s other prescriptions or just what all he should bring to the hospital. He really doesn’t know anything at all but home is safe and it’s not the hospital so heads there.

He grabs what he knows Aaron will want.

Aaron’s worn copy of Anna Karenina is sitting on his nightstand, his reading glasses on Derek’s. They once had a case to go in but Derek doesn’t waste time looking for that, just tucks one of the sides into his shirt. He goes to his own dresser and pulls out a flannel. Aaron has plenty of his own, and ones that fit those abnormally long arms of his, but he’ll prefer this one nonetheless. Not that it’s special, it’s just Derek’s. There are other, nonessential, things that he grabs mindlessly trying to think about those stupid lists Aaron’s always making for this exact case scenario but he can’t remember everything.

Derek grows flustered and with a thick sigh, tears swelling in his eyes, he throws himself across their bed. His chest hitches and he moves until his face is in Aaron’s pillow, breathing in that distinct smell of his soap and detergent. This is his fault, isn’t it? He can’t begin to think about how many times Dave warned him something like this would happen. That loving Aaron means things like this and watching his back. That this isn’t fieldwork and he can’t let his guard down the second he thinks the dangers over. And he’d promised Emily when she left he could handle it. He loves Aaron so it shouldn’t be that hard and she’d smiled so sadly when he said that and now he wishes he hadn’t understood why.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he has half a mind to ignore it. Whatever it is can wait but he doesn’t want to miss anything with Aaron. “Hello?” half his face is still pushed into the bed.

There’s a crackle over the phone, something being moved and Penelope’s voice just slightly distanced. He’s just about to speak again when the sound gets clear. “Sorry!” she offers. “Hotch looked cold so I was fighting the blanket monsters in the closet to save him!” She sounds just breathless enough that he can imagine her standing on her tiptoes trying to fight down a blanket from somewhere too high.

He knows there’s no way Aaron asked for a blanket. “How is he?” Derek asks softly.

Penelope sits herself down in the visitor’s chair and looks over at Hotch. He’s sleeping, hasn’t so much as moved a muscle since he woke up. “Confused,” she sighs. She’s not really sure if he had looked cold but she can’t stand just sitting here and watching so she had to do something and besides, Hotch is always cold.

Derek hums.

“Are you coming?”

The others are all probably there already. He knows he’ll use this trip home as his excuse but he could have asked any one of them to collect these things. They wouldn’t even need him to tell them where things are, wouldn’t even need to be told which things to get. He’s just stalling and he knows it. “Yeah,” he pulls Aaron’s pillow close. Wrapping his arms around it like it’s the body of the man he wishes so badly were here right now. Then Derek could think about something else-- the way Aaron’s legs get tangled in the bedsheets or the fact that he drools when he’s sleeping really, really good.

But Aaron isn’t here.

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming.”

He’s met with tears. Spencer stands before him, shaking the limb of a tree in the wind of a great storm. The kind that would wake Aaron in the middle of the night, enticing him with the sharp whipping sounds and the crashing of distant trash cans. Forcing Derek to wake up shivering, wondering where Aaron’s dragged himself off to. He’s fairly certain he no longer knows how to sleep without Aaron there-- without the feeling of his comfortable weight settled against his hips. Aaron always sleeps so close to him, never more than an arm’s length away.

The tears that hit Spencer’s cheeks are like the fat drops that ping off the windows. The harder ones always startling Aaron until he can self-consciously glance at Derek and see if he noticed. He always does. Spencer pulls his mouth open, moving his jaw like the hinges of an old front door.

“Is he dead?” Derek doesn’t feel up for waiting for all the foolishness of whatever nonsense Spencer’s come up with. Whatever it is that he’s gearing up for can wait, Derek only cares about one thing.

Reid glances to the floor, “I-- I-- He’s, ugh, Garcia’s still back with him.”

Good. Derek squeezes Spencer’s shoulder as he passes but doesn’t say anything. Spencer doesn’t do well with this business, the realization that the people he loves crack. They stumble and they fall and they get hurt and Derek doesn’t feel like lying. Because Aaron is like this a lot and Spencer won’t believe him anyway.

He passes Dave and he gets a good supportive nod. “I called Emily,” Dave tells him. “I think she’d appreciate it if you called her back later.”

Derek nods his head, she’ll likely want to speak to Aaron. He can already hear that argument but it’ll be good for someone to be angry with Aaron. God knows Emily won’t be pleased. It’ll give Aaron something to focus on, an argument to win while everything else falls in around him. Because he already knows Emily’s going to threaten to come home but Aaron won’t let her. Derek smiles as he thinks about that, she’ll wait a week he already knows. In a week she’ll be down here and she’ll be met with one of Aaron’s tired sighs while she vehemently denies she came home to make sure he was really okay.

Derek doesn’t understand why they can’t just say express worry like other people.

Penelope greets him with a tight hug as if she’s squeezing all the bad feelings away. He lets her try but she pulls away and knows she was unsuccessful. “He’s been very well behaved,” Penelope tells him brightly. As if they’re talking about Derek’s mischievous toddler. “Almost… snugly.” He’d let her hold his hand, turning himself in towards the comforting hand she’d placed against his cheek. No one else’s definition of warm but for Hotch that’s… it’s pretty snugly.

“Mmm,” Derek knows he’ll get the moody, if not clingy bits of Aaron but he’ll be okay. “Thank you,” he tells her sincerely, squeezing her hands and sinking into the hug she wraps him into. “He doesn’t like--” he can’t get the rest of the words out, choking on tears. Aaron hates waking up in the hospital. Derek’s seen it enough to know. It’s too disorienting but a familiar face always helps.

Penelope nods, squeezing him. “I know,” she whispers. “I know.”

With a nod, Derek pulls away and he wipes his eyes. Tries to pull himself together but he’s been too angry all day, too on edge to really clean up.

“He’ll be happy to see you,” Penelope says, her bags collected as she’s stepping out.

Derek can only hope that’s true.

He settles down in the visitor’s chair and frowns when he sees how swollen Aaron’s right hand is. He finds the grooves of the joint easily, rubbing at the boney digits mindlessly as he searches the bed for the TV remote. There’s got to be something on the TV. It’s not football season anymore but baseball is on and that’s the best sport according to Aaron. Derek wonders how he ended up with someone who hates watching sports so much but that can make things interesting. But baseball… Aaron hates everything else but won’t complain when Derek puts on baseball of all things.

Aaron makes a soft crackling sound as he wakes, turning his head from Derek, and grunting a half whimper when he can’t pull his hand away from Derek’s hold. He pries his eyes open, mouth too dry to form full words but the sound of his lips touching sounds just enough like Derek’s name for him to smile up at Aaron. His eyes close again, pinched with the pain rolling through his chest and the agitated flames licking at the joints of his right hand. The latter of which Derek is not helping as he rotates his thumb over the swollen skin, digging into hurt like he’s trying to draw blood.

Tenderly, Derek moves Aaron’s fingers to the bed, standing with a groan of his own when the small of his back lights up like timber as he stretches out. He smiles when he sees Aaron’s hazily drugged gaze go right to where his shirt rides up over his hips and blushes furiously when he’s caught. Derek hums to himself, shaking his head but smiling all the same. It’s cute, he thinks as he pours Aaron a cup of water. Very cute, he decides when he finds that the blush hasn’t crept away when he turns back to him.

“Small sips,” Derek directs softly, holding the straw to Aaron’s lips.

The first sip hurts, burns his sensitive throat as it goes down but it creates an insatiable thirst. He greedily pulls at the straw for more until Derek pulls it away from him. If Derek could have it his way, he’d never tell Aaron no but too much water will make him sick. While Aaron looks at him now as if a victim of something truly heinous, he’ll be thankful when he has nothing in his system to throw up when the anesthesia wrecks his stomach.

Derek sits back down and picks Aaron’s hand back up, eyes flicking to Aaron’s when he whimpers at just the gentle touch. Without a word, Derek resumes his rubbing to try and soothe the joints of his hand into some sort of reprise in normal hood. But Aaron’s exhausted and confused, nearly overwhelmed by the drugs and Derek and the weight of his chest, and he whimpers. Tries to pull away again because all he knows is that touching hurts and can’t fathom that it is so much worse when Derek doesn’t wring the pain out.

“Ouch,” Aaron croaks, breathlessly grunting and trying to move his fingers. It’s as pins have been set in the bones and he cries out at this new overwhelming pain. “Please,” he asks Derek, “stop it. Hurts.”

Derek shushes him softly, pouring his attention into willing Aaron’s pain into submission. “You’re okay,” Derek promises. “You’re okay.” But his words do nothing to stop the pain and Aaron just looks back at him. Sad, pained eyes darting over Derek’s face. “It’s okay, Aaron.”

Aaron turns his head, gasping slightly at the way it pulls at the stitches. “Sorry,” he whispers. Looking up at Derek and searching Derek’s face for some inclination of truth. Of what’s happening but he’s certain there’s something to be sorry for. There’s no way he hasn’t done something he shouldn’t have. Pushed something or forgotten it.

Derek wipes the single tear that falls down Aaron’s cheek away with his thumb. “You haven’t done anything wrong,” Derek soothes. “You’re okay.” That seems to work in some small way, Aaron swallowing thickly but not dragging his tired eyes away from Derek’s. Slowly he combs his fingers through Aaron’s hair, pushing back the long strands. With a smirk, seeing the blissed eased way Aaron has fallen back into the pillow at his touch alone, he feels a spark of mischief hit him. He can’t help but smile. “Emily is going to call you later,” he whispers, smiling brighter when Aaron groans. Pinching his face up. Derek rolls his eyes, “you love her.”

Aaron cracks an eye open, setting a drugged sort of haze scowl onto him. “Don’t let her hear you say that.” With a shake of his head, he knows his Aaron’s back, just a grumpy little glimpse but he’s there. Fighting his way through the drugs. “I mean it,” Aaron grumbles. The last thing he needs is Emily getting the idea that he might actually cherish her friendship.

Derek does roll his eyes this time, “if you behave you can buy my silence.”

Aaron cracks an eye open but doesn’t complain. Derek’s going to tell Dave anyhow so it doesn’t matter if Aaron does behave, even though Derek knows he won’t, Emily will hear it. He might even sprinkle something else in there as payback. That what he gets, serves him right for scaring Derek like that. Derek is really going to enjoy watching Aaron get himself out of this hole but for now…

He squeezes Aaron’s wrist, smiling when Aaron turns his head towards him humming just under his breath. “I love you,” Derek confesses softly and it’s rare that he gets a verbal reply but he’s learned to lean into the numerous ways Aaron knows how to say it. And today he doesn’t hear the words back but tomorrow he’ll find a popsicle or a jello cup waiting for him. Aaron’s grumpy scowl lightening when he steps into the room. And Derek will know that Aaron loves him too.

[funkyfreshramblings]

A Story Twenty Years in the Making

CW: Swearing, sex, transphobia (Look, I'm not proud of who I was).

Shortly after I was born, a cousin of mine was as well. My mother took me to a store where she looked to buy a dress for her new niece to celebrate her birth. A woman stopped and looked at my mother, baby Devon in the stroller, dress in her hand, and curiously spoke up.

"Excuse me miss, but you know that you have a boy, right?" The woman shopping, presumably for her own daughter, had said to my mother.

"Of course I know I have a son. What about it?" My mother said in response.

"Well, that's a dress you're holding. Why would you be buying that for your son?" The woman puzzled.

My mother, quick as a whip and smarter than most people I know today, responded without a second thought.

"I'm letting him experiment with his sexuality."

---

At twelve (12) years old, I became aware of this really weird website. You see, everyone was talking about it, a schoolyard rumour we didn't dare to talk about in front of the teachers. The mythical status of this website was nothing to scoff at, students would huddle around and talk about their findings. It was like an ARG, a new puzzle added every day. The school was rife with these conversations, and everyone was hooked.

I'm of course talking about Pornhub.

Obligatory "don't go on Pornhub unless you're the legal viewing age in your country" aside (even though I'm aware those warnings stop nobody), I too became a curious mind. One day, when my parents had slipped out of the house and I was alone, I pulled it up on my computer upstairs. What I say fascinated me, women and men having sex.

Sex. Woah. Penises, vaginas, anuses. There was everything on this website. Everything. Including this one tab which I didn't dare click.

This one category had what appears to be two men on it. I assumed it was two men, after all neither of them had pronounced breasts like all the women had. And the title of the category? Gay. 'What the fuck does that mean?' twelve-year-old (12) me thought. I ignored it, thought it was weird, and continued on.

In the back of my mind, I was curious. A few weeks after watching straight porn and being mostly repulsed by how awful the women screamed in those videos, I tried it. I clicked on the category tab and was immediately hit with my first exposure to the gay community.

'Twink? Bear? Fisting? Now that's nasty.' I was curiously disgusted but clicked on anyways. "Twinks" looked cute, so I clicked there. Wait, cute? Did I really think these guys were cute? Like I thought my girlfriend was cute?

The video was, simply put, less aggressive than straight porn. Holy shit was straight porn aggressive. It terrified me how much those women screamed like the men were killing them by inserting their penises too far into their bodies. But gay porn looked softer. It was sweeter, with more love. After all, sex is about love, right? Forgive my younger self, you see. He clearly did not understand that nothing in porn is about love. But hey, when working with a half deck, you have to make the cards work.

So I watched gay porn over straight porn. That doesn't mean I'm gay! But wait, if gay porn is between two men, what is porn between a woman and a man. What's porn between two women? Never mind, I'm not that curious about two women together.

A quick Google search sent me down the most soul-searching adventure I'd ever partake in. At least, up until this point.

I soon learned what gay meant, what straight meant, what lesbian meant. You mean boys liking other boys was normal? Girls can like other girls? Wait, you can like boys and girls?

Oh, wait, you can also not be sexually attracted to anyone.

Asexual was a term I first read those years ago, and I soon thought that it described me. See, up until this point, women never interested me sexually. I was twelve (12). Sex really never crossed my mind, even when it was supposed to. But I was watching porn, I thought!

Doesn't matter. I didn't want to be part of those acts. That's what made me ace, I thought.

My lord was I wrong. (Not about ace people, but about my identity. This is where things get juicy. And chuddy.)

---

Okay, so cut to two years later. I'm fourteen (14), in grade ten (10) during Art class. One of my friends sat beside me, my ex across from me, and I hated Art class. Why'd I taken this god-awful course again? Regardless, as I sat there and thought, I thought about my bullying up until high school.

I filled out as a kid. I mean that literally, I grew tall and wide really quickly. No one fucked with me when I was in high school. No one wanted to, and I faded to the background.

But in elementary school, I was the new kid. Backing up to 2009, eight-year-old (8) Devon moved. I would celebrate my ninth (9th) birthday in a class where no one knew me or no one cared. Well, that's not true. One kid cared. Bless that kid. Regardless, 9-year-old (9) me had a target on his back. A big one, and it quickly meant I was being bullied.

My mother is terrifying. I use bold there because I don't think italics can describe just how terrifying mama-bear is when she's angry. After finding out that I was being bullied, she pulled into the school and chewed out the principal. And the parents. And the kids. Hell hath no fury like a mother who went through the shit mine did. So quickly the bullying died down.

Stopped? No, but quieted. My new friends surrounded me in a wonderful bubble of love, but that didn't mean they also didn't pick on me. The most common insult? Gay.

Gay? Like, porn gay? No no no, I said. I'm not gay.

Cut back to 14-year-old (14) me, thinking throughout Art class. I swear Ms. Taylor had it out for me. Oh, right, gay.

'Holy shit.' I thought.

'Wait. They're right, I'm gay. I like men. Holy shit I really like men. Men are hot, and I want to be with one so bad. But I live in this crap town of conservatives (my parents taught me right, conservatives are some of the shittiest people on the planet after all).'

Okay, so I'm gay. I figured that out at the very least! Now I have to tell people.

Oh. Fuck. I have to tell people.

Coming out. Hell, as I like to call it. First to my friends. My friends would understand, after all, I had a pansexual friend. What the fuck does pansexual mean? Never mind that Devon, focus on your own damn self for a second.

Oh. My. God. I have to tell people.

I pulled up my big boy pants and blurted out in the middle of class...

Nothing. What did you expect?

I waited 'till the next morning. That made sense.

---

"Hi, Sierrah!" I said to my colourful friend. Her hair was always a different colour every month and still is. I wish I had half the hair strength she must have.

"Hey, Devon!" She said, blue backpack on her back, meeting up with me to walk to school in the morning.

"I have something to tell you. I'm gay." She looked at me and squealed before wrapping me in a big hug.

"I'm so proud of you!" Okay, one down. A lot more to go.

My best friend in high school used to be someone who I absolutely despised. We bonded over our shared dislike of our shared ex. We became really close. Telling him was pretty easy. Okay, two down.

Remember that girl I sat beside during Art? Not my ex, the one I bonded with my best friend over disliking, I meant the girl sitting beside me. Well, let me tell you.

No one can give me a reception nearly half as good as what she did when I told her.

"Sara, I'm gay," I said. Less than five (5) seconds later, my face was buried in the tits of Sara. That was... fun. Not sexual in the slightest, it was fun. She was warm, and she loved me. I could tell that as a friend, Sara would become the most important person in my life. Thank you, Sara. Should you ever read this.

I hope someone reads this.

Anyone?

Moving on, I eventually told all my friends that day. None of them gave a shit! Cool!

My parents.

Oh no. My parents were next.

I'm skipping that part, it's no longer relevant.

Sorry. (Not sorry in the slightest.)

---

So I graduated the gay kid of 2018. Yay! Seventeen-year-old (17) me made it to grad!

But before I did, I need to preface this part of the story. I was, unfortunately, a fan of Soygon of Asskad. And Blairina Weiss.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Not a day goes by where I'm not sorry for my actions during this period of my life. I am so profusely sorry for the racism and transphobia I perpetuated during this period of my life. I was even homophobic. God damn it, Devon, what the fuck are you doing?

I am now a proud socialist. University helped. So did Vaush, and BadBunny (who's chat might be reading this. Henlo Nicole! Henlo chat!).

Scream at me about Vaush later.

Okay, where was I? Right, grad. University applications.

I made it into the University of Toronto Mississauga. Canada's best university. One of the best universities in the world. Holy shit, I should be more proud of myself for that. I am proud. I made it there, and as I write this, I'm on my last year.

Here's to me becoming a med student soon, I hope!

So school happened. I went to school as a shy gay kid with undiagnosed anxiety problems. That wouldn't last, and soon my anxiety was written in the prescriptions I was handed over the counter for Lexapro. This is where I met my first friend from university.

He will remain unnamed for legal reasons.

He introduced me to one of the most beautiful men I've met to this date.

S. (Name redacted for reasons you need not know. Not legal reasons. Personal ones. Please respect this decision.)

Woah, was this guy just... hot. He was an athlete, no way he'd like me. He probably also sleeps around, and I don't want that.

Boy was I wrong. I soon found out that S was very much into me. I was someone's crush. Wow!

That eventually turned into a... relationship. You get the gist. Affirmation.

I was very, very gay. S helped me understand that I was very very gay.

Okay, so eighteen-year-old (18) Devon was gay. That was very clear.

So that's the end of the story, right?

No.

We just crossed the halfway point.

---

Cut to twenty (20). I am gay, an active chatter in BadBunny's (Twitch streamer, not singer) discord, and really really confused.

See, progressive streamers like BadBunny typically have features to add yourself to a role on Discord that would tell everyone your pronouns when they clicked on your profile. This is a really good way to affirm pronouns of everyone, so I'm down.

Well, I do have one problem. Any/all isn't listed here. Wait.

Wait...

Any? All?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm cis. Let me make that clear. I am cisgendered. I identify as a man, I was born a man, and I think I will always be a man. I think.

But I know pronouns don't necessarily tell you someone's gender. They is a really popular pronoun for all sorts of non-binary identities, all of which are different from each other. So pronouns do not equal gender.

Can I really use they/them, she/her, he/him, fae/faer, fawn/fawn, etc/etc. all while being cis? I think so, let's try it! I don't know how to describe my gender, all I know is I'm apathetic to my pronouns.

Cut to a TikTok video. I learned my fucking gender identity from a TikTok video. This is why representation is important.

"Gender Apathy" we're the words coming from this person's mouth. She? He? Them? Didn't matter, they didn't care. I didn't care.

We didn't care.

Holy fuck.

---

Google has been a really important resource for me as an academic student. Wikipedia articles affirm my suspicions before I move onto Google Scholar to look up articles.

I'm fucking kidding.

Fuck Google Scholar.

But Google did introduce me to the world of fandom wikis.

Is gender wiki a thing? LGBTQ+ wiki?

As it turns out, it is.

Gender Apathy is an article there, as well as many many other identities. If you're question, do some keyword searches. You'll never know what you find.

Anyways, Gender Apathy. Cisapathetic, which I kind of interpret as someone who identifies as cisgender but doesn't really care? I guess? This is all still confusing, but whatever. Cisapathetic.

I quickly shared this with all my friends. I found something new out!

But we aren't done yet.

---

Cut to a little while later. It's Pride month, 2021. This month, if you happen to read this as soon as it goes up! Someone on TikTok is making Pride moths.

Fucking TikTok.

Moths were, at one point, a really popular meme online. Lämp. Gen Z humour will be the end of us all.

So naturally, people found a love for moths. Great, that's lead us to this point. I notice during these videos that these moths are pretty. I want one, or rather, two.

I want the modern Pride moth. The trans flag and a black and brown stripe were included on this modern Pride flag to signal that BIPOC are central to Pride, and need to be celebrated and that our trans friends need our help. Need our platform. Need our rights too.

And I wanted the Gender Apathetic moth. After all, it was something new I discovered! Well, I noticed something in the comments while I was requesting a Gender Apathetic moth from this creator (they were open to suggestions, so please don't heckle me about it). One commenter said the words "are you doing a Neptunic/Uranic/Saturnic moth as well?" What the hell are those?

To the LGBTA wiki!

Neptunic is described as a sexuality "attracted to women, feminine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Saturnic is described as a sexuality "attracted to androgynous aligned non-binary people."

Uranic is the one I'm really curious about then. I'm attracted to men, after all. Uranic is described as a sexuality "attracted to men, masculine non-binary people and neutral non-binary people."

Woah.

So let me back up a little bit.

When I had access to Twitter (they suspended me for defending my sexuality from someone who was saying gay men all have AIDS, so thanks Twitter) I once made a thread talking about how I didn't feel comfortable with calling myself gay.

"But Devon," I hear you say, "the whole first half of this story was dedicated to you realizing you were gay! How can you say that after wasting so much of our fucken' time?"

Give me a minute, dear reader. Let me explain what I said in this thread.

As I type this out, I recognize the transphobia I had against trans-men even while typing out that thread. I want to say, right here, right now, that my sexuality is trans-inclusive. Men with vaginas are still men. I am still very much attracted to men with vaginas. But this thread still falls on transphobic remarks. Once again, I profusely apologize for my past. I am currently working towards being a better person to my trans friends, both online and offline. I am doing my best to be better. I love you all, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.

Oh, and U of T, if you're reading this, before you even think about kicking me out for admitting my previous bigotry, I urge you to think about your staff first. Jordan Peterson still has a job and makes the campus trans-exclusive as he continues to teach. Catch yourself before you come for me, a student doing his best to be better.

Okay, so back to the Twitter thread.

I essentially said something along the lines of this:

I really struggle with calling myself gay when in reality, I'm only attracted to people with penises, and who lack vaginas and breasts. I would have sex with non-binary people who have penises. So am I really just "gay?"

But in a lot more words. Before I continue, I want to take the time to explain how this comment is transphobic, and why I am sorry and why I want to explain that I no longer feel this way. Okay? So, here's the short of it:

I go by the term gay, but by saying I'm explicitly only attracted to people with penises while liking men, I was indirectly making the point that trans-men are not men if they too do not have penises.

This is not true. Trans men are men, and I have come to realize my attraction for trans men as well, despite genitalia. My sexuality encompasses men of all kinds, and non-binary people who are masculine aligned or neutrally aligned. Once again, I can only apologize and do better.

I am sorry for my previous transphobia. I hope I can make it better by acknowledging it and doing my best to avoid these implications ever again.

Okay, now that we have all of that out of the way, let's talk Uranic again.

Uranic really does describe me. I feel it in every bone of my body, that I really do find myself sexually attracted to even non-binary people.

So, gay is out, uranic is in.

Where does that leave me today?

---

When I started this post, I explained how I was a cisgendered gay man who was a liberal who almost fell down the alt-right pipeline. But as I type this post, not only has my identity evolved, but so has my political ideology. I am a cisapathetic, uranic man who still uses the term gay in casual conversation because it's easier even though it doesn't really describe me, socialist.

BadBunny/Nicole, chat, if you're reading this, thank you. You helped me a ton in discovering socialism and to reject ideas of capitalism that only serve to continue the systematic racism against black people, the systematic transphobia that kills trans people, and even the systematic homophobia I face as a "gay" man.

Wow, that was long. Really long. If you made it this far, give yourself a pat on the back. You just read the life history of a twenty-year-old (20) and how he came to understand his identity.

I love you all.

Signed,

Devon.

FunkyFreshHomo on Discord.

[doseofdeath-blog]

It’s time to be honest and raise awareness.

This is a really hard topic to discuss. I literally took a deep breath before making a huge decision to talk about this. The following story time will be covering some triggering, taboo issues but very crucial to be highlighted in respect of Suicide Prevention Month.

Hello, I’m Alia. It doesn’t matter who has known me longer or for the past 5 seconds ago, I have been very secretive about my struggles. I’ve been so afraid to open up about my battles with my mental health. After a couple of years, I sat down and reflected how it can be unfair for me to not be honest to myself when I’m out here trying to help others. I was not helping myself and I did not want to be get better as if like I didn’t care anymore.

Back in my pre-teen years, body image/self image became a huge concern for me. I was constantly worried about how I looked and my body size especially when one comment was made on the way I looked. Measuring the size of my arm wondering when it can become smaller was one of them. It haunted me for the rest of my life. It still stayed in the back of my mind and I guess it was the start to where I am now.

At 14 years old, I started to fall in love even more with Islam. I wanted to become closer to Allah. Little did I know, I started losing control of myself when I was praying and taking ablution. It became a ritual to make everything become perfect and if I didn’t get it right, I would repeat everything up until an hour plus. I had negative intrusive thoughts of religion and other messed up things that I will never ever feel comfortable to say. I started to become this girl who panicked everytime my mom tried to leave the house even just for a few hours. 

This continued until I reached 16 years old. My closest friends started transferring to boarding schools. I have never felt so alone. I started getting really depressed and nobody knew that I went home crying everyday after school. I started to self-harm because that’s the only way to inflict my emotional pain. I hated school and I dreaded the whole year going to school. Every sort of relationship I had just failed. I pushed people away and hid about all the things built up in me. As I was struggling with everything mentioned above, everything was just too much. You know, everything has an end. I finally opened up to my mother about what I’ve been struggling with and convinced her to get help for myself. I needed help because I wasn’t getting any better. I remember how I was completely done with myself. I attempted to kill myself wanting the pain to end. But I didn’t. I just ended up crying and crying until I didn’t feel anything.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by my doctor at 17 years old. My first session was hell. It was hard to tell strangers about what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself. I was prescribed with antidepressants (lexapro) for 2 years straight to treat my anxiety disorder. I stopped taking them towards the end of 2015 because I was just relying too much on antidepressants to feel like I’m on the top of the world. I hated all the doctor’s appointments because I had to be honest and I couldn’t be honest because I was embarrassed of myself. Yes, I was a defaulted patient. I shouldn’t have done that because the side effects really took a toll of my life the following year.

I found love with a boy I was very much in love with the whole time we were in school. Around this time was the time I had my medication withdrawals (lexapro withdrawals). Our relationship didn’t work out because my anxiety went through the roof. I became very toxic. I lost my best friend. It was so hard to cope with it. At that point of time, I had to prepare myself for my final year of law degree in Newcastle. Everything moved so quickly.

I lived on my own that one whole final year. I felt very lonely like how I used to. felt like I was 16 again. It was winter time and my anxiety was severe. I started having random anxiety attacks in campus. at the restaurant. I cried out of nowhere and I am still thankful to this day that my friend, Megan was there through it all. I tried to make myself busy but I just couldn’t. I cried every night. I isolated myself every chance I got. I didn’t wanna see anybody. I had 2 suicide attempts around this time leading up to January 2018. I survived. 

I’m still here. Whatever that was going through my brain at that moment was all blank. You don’t think about people who truly love and care about you anymore at that point. All you want is for the pain to end. You wish that it’s easy to just rip it off of your chest. But, I survived and ended up harming myself, just cried and prayed to Allah numerously to make me feel okay again. Talking about it with my best friend definitely helped me not to harm myself further. Never keep it to yourself. 

Now, as i’m writing this post... I want the readers to know that I’m not ‘cured’ or ‘I’ve solved the problem’. I still struggle till this day although I can say that I am better than I used to be. Suicidal thoughts come and go especially when I feel very lonely. It’s never been easy but I try to fight it as much as I can. It will be okay. Even though you don’t see the light in the darkness you’re surrounded with right now, it will eventually come. I used to be so so negative and toxic, I wanted to be happy. I hated seeing others happy because I told myself I’ll never be like them. I’m trying to and I can see a little light coming. I tried to surround myself with positive people, messages and try to fix myself on a daily basis.

Cry if you want to. Let it all out. Get professional help. Talk to someone. Don’t keep it to yourself. Someone out there will understand. I got the help that I needed from the people I could trust. I got better. There were some rough patches but those patches made me who I am today. It made me a stronger person. A more understanding, self-reflective person. It made me realize that I need to work on myself too. to give myself a chance to try and not give up on myself. 

I’m right here. I understand. Anyone who is going through something... I am willing to listen. I will never judge you because your mental health does not define who you are. 

****** for another form of outlet, befrienderskl has a hotline that is open for 24 hours. They’re available to give you emotional support through a phone call or email. https://www.befrienders.org.my/ 

[sickandtiredandhealing-blog]

my story (take 1)

i shrugged through middle school then high school and eventually went off to college, my whole future ahead of me. i was in the honors program. i failed. a 0.9 GPA and no job nor a boyfriend. second semester started and then came the wall. i’ve heard it said that becoming broke happens slowly then all at once. that’s how depression and anxiety work. I had been sad before but not like this. I had been scared before but not like this. I was scared to get out of bed. i was scared of what they would say. i was scared of being alone. i was alone. i was 18.

then i went home.

i started going to therapy and she said i needed medication. i had become part of what has been termed by some the “prozac nation”. on lexapro so i didn’t get worse. but it didn’t exactly make me better either. i was 19.

I got a job. then another. then another. three jobs juggled and balanced on a pin. then i got sicker. doctor after doctor after doctor looked at me completely confused and lost. i had to quit my jobs. i couldn’t handle the daily pain and working and the exhaustion. i was going to the doctors every week if i was lucky.

then i started school again. i went to a junior college near home. i started feeling part of something bigger than me, like someone was looking out for me.

then the ball dropped.

i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. 

i will never get better. doctors will forever throw drugs at me hoping to give me better living through chemistry with no consideration for the side effects. i will never get better. i was 20.

i let my wellbeing be the target on an untouchable dart board at the end of the bar and literally paid doctors to throw drunken blindfolded pill-dart after pill-dart at my symptoms. i fought for nothing. then a doctor told me that i needed to get over it and lower my expectations on my life. i woke up. 

it took too long for me to finally figure out that this was not my fault. i have many theories as to what caused this in me. none of them matter. what matters is i no longer take it lying down. i am proactive and vocal about my needs. i am communicative with my doctors. i don’t look down on holistic approaches. i do my own research and find what works for me. i live each and every day as if tomorrow belongs to Schrodinger - both heaven and hell. every day is a new day and i have to be ready for whatever comes. because if this medical whirlwind has taught me anything, it’s that Murphy’s Law applies to my health too. 

i’m 24. i’m chronically ill. i consider myself very very lucky, but i am still sick. i will always be sick. there will always be scars i can’t erase. i wear them proudly. i share them here for all to read, so that when a girl like me gets lost someday, she might find this and know: 1) there is hope, 2) you are not alone, and 3) there is always another day coming, just give it time. 

[sage-nebula]

Voltron thoughts beneath the cut (for spoilers, and also negativity).

I don’t know if I can really say everything I need to say coherently. I’ve barely slept, I haven’t eaten practically anything in nearly twenty-four hours, and part of that is because every time I try, I can’t get myself to do it, even when it’s soup. Between the medication I’ve been on and the anxiety that flared up due to this show despite the medication I’ve been on, I’ve been really sick all day today. So I’m going to try to be coherent, but I don’t know how much I’ll end up succeeding. Anyway, here we go.

TL;DR: I watched season six of Voltron: Legendary Defender. And I’m not going to watch any of the seasons to follow. I’m getting off this shuttle here, though I’m probably still going to continue writing my AU fics since they’re AUs and have nothing to do with canon anyway, therefore.

Longer version:

There are a few different reasons for this, all of which stem from this most recent season and how it made me feel. It’s kind of funny, in a way; I thought the thing that would make me want to quit would be how Keith was treated, given that he’s my fave, but he was actually treated really well this season (mostly, anyway, but I’ll get to that in a second). He got to get back in Black, he got a wolf companion, and he whooped untold amounts of ass as the Black Paladin. We also got to learn some more about his past (although we still don’t know his dad’s name, smfh), and we had it confirmed that he and Shiro are found family and that Shiro had a hand in guiding and raising him (both because Keith told Krolia as much, and because in the flashbacks young!Keith has a higher pitched voice while Shiro is in an instructor uniform, i.e., they met when Keith was so young his voice hadn’t broken yet; I’m guessing 11 or 12). All of these things were things that I personally really liked, even though that last one is one that I feel I can’t really enjoy thanks to how this fandom is. (Like, every time one of those scenes came up---like when Krolia thanked Shiro for “raising Keith to be the man he is today,” or we saw young!Keith and Shiro---my thoughts were, “Aww ♥♥♥,” immediately followed by, “god, this will cause so much Discourse™.” Kind of ruins it . . . a lot.)

And that’s what brings me to this decision. At least, partly.

I was not excited for this season. At all. Any time I heard something about Voltron, it made my anxiety spike and filled me with dread. I knew that part of this was because I had already known that season five was our one shot at positive interactions between Keith and Lotor, and that was shot. My guess was that what was going to happen was that Lotor would discover the Shireplica plot, attack him, and then Keith would attack Lotor because Lotor attacked “Shiro.” And honestly, that would have been better than what we got. But my point is, leading up to this season I felt nothing but dread. While watching it, there were some things I enjoyed (see above), and other things I . . . absolutely did not. And afterward? I can’t think about it without feeling my anxiety flare up despite the Lexapro. I’m not even a little bit happy. I’m not looking forward to season seven, because I don’t know how season seven could possibly be good after the sheer assassination Lotor’s character suffered at the hands of the writing staff. And it’s funny, honestly, because I was expecting Lotor to part ways with Team Voltron, and hell, I wanted him to because they literally sent him to his execution last season, but I wasn’t expecting them to assassinate his character the way they did. I thought it would be Keith’s treatment that made me leave, not Lotor’s. But here we are.

Okay. Coherency.

My point is, I’ve come to realize that this show . . . does not make me happy. At all. And it’s not even just that it makes me want to complain (although the writing this season surrounding Lotor, his generals, and tbqh the way they had Keith and Krolia ~away for two years~ just so they could get out of actually showing us how they’ve bonded was completely terrible), but that it actively stresses me out and upsets me. Like, I’ve been incredibly open about how much I relate to Keith (which is why his found family bond with Shiro is so important to me; it’s a really personal thing that made their relationship my favorite in the show before The Discourse™ sucked the enjoyment out of it), but I relate a lot to Lotor, too. The narrative they were setting up with him, and the character journey that he was on---the way that he was specifically rejecting his upbringing, adamantly refusing to follow in his parents’ footsteps, toeing the line between different cultures and sides of his heritage, living as an abuse survivor whose reactions weren’t always ~*~pretty~*~ but were real . . . all of that really, really spoke to me. And it was a deeply fascinating and interesting narrative, too. It was one that I wanted to see play out. As much as I rejected the “he’s been alive 10,000 years lmao” nonsense they tossed in there (because he doesn’t act like it at all; they don’t know how to write characters that have lived that long), the idea that Lotor has rejected ten thousand years of conditioning in order to do his own thing is one that is incredibly compelling. It’s one thing to be Good (or at least Not Evil) if you were raised to be Good or Not Evil. It’s another thing to choose to be those things despite years upon years upon centuries of abuse and conditioning designed to make you a Horrible and Evil person. I’m not saying that I wanted Lotor to be a Pure Hero, but rather that I saw the narrative setting up an anti-villain and I was interested in following that story. I related a lot to that story, due to my own personal experiences. I am definitely far more of a Keith in terms of personality (and trauma disorders), but I related a lot to Lotor’s story as well and was very interested in seeing that narrative play out.

And then . . . they threw it away in favor of making him a batshit crazy definite villain who went laughing mad and decided he was going to slaughter his own people and start his own empire just like Zarkon.

I’m sorry, but nothing can redeem this. It’s character assassination, straight up. The thing with the alteans is bad enough; you could sort of maybe explain it as Lotor sacrificing a few to save billions, but that’s doesn’t jive with the Lotor that let planets rule themselves, and that worked alongside the miners to harvest things from their planet. It doesn’t jive the way that he did it, anyway. But even that, like---even that is not as much of a straight up assassination of his character as the villainous breakdown rant he goes on near the end wherein he declares he’s going to slaughter everyone, including the galra (who . . . follow him?), and start a new altean empire, like . . . honestly, just . . . 

Coherency. Coherency.

I couldn’t enjoy the Sincline vs. Voltron fight (despite wanting to see Sincline form forever . . . and thinking that it looks 10,000 times better than Voltron) because of how Lotor’s character was mangled to make it happen. I just sat there staring blankly at the screen the entire time, feeling nothing but heavy disappointment and sadness. And that . . . is not how I should have felt during that sequence. I should have been excited. I should have been into it. And I mean, parts of it were nice; seeing Keith be the boss I always knew he could be as the Black Paladin was nice. It’s good that his character arc was finally re-railed. But the rest of it . . . what was done to Lotor . . .

My point is, this . . . isn’t enjoyable to me. Between how the fandom has been (i.e. the worst; if this show manages to run to completion without someone actually, literally trying to murder someone I’m going to be goddamn amazed), and the terrible writing, it’s just . . . underwhelming at best and severely upsetting at worst. And make no mistake, the writing is terrible. Lotor’s character assassination aside, as I said above, it’s very plain to me that the entire reason why Krolia and Keith were gone for two years was so that they wouldn’t actually have to show them building up a relationship. The generals were controlled by the plot wholesale. Ezor went from being the most devastated over Narti’s death (to the point where she stops seeing Lotor as her prince in the JP dub) to being glad to be back on Lotor’s side even though Narti is, you know, still dead. Zethrid has been reduced to “as long as I get to blow stuff up, I don’t care.” And Acxa went from wanting to protect Zethrid and Ezor, to . . . being loyal to Lotor? To wanting to ditch him again?? Who the fuck knows. It’s pretty clear that the girls are just plot devices at this point, and as someone who actually really cares about them, that’s upsetting to me. (Like, I’m just going to be honest here, most of the “OMG BADASS LADIES STEP ON MEEE” that I’ve seen in the fandom doesn’t seem to really care about the girls as people. I’m sure there are some people out there who do, but most people seem perfectly happy to have them being Haggar’s lapdogs because “omg badass ladieezzzz” rather than thinking about what’s good for them. But I really care about and like the generals as characters, so to see them reduced to plot devices who just follow whoever with no rhyme or reason is incredibly disappointing to me.)

But what I’m trying to say is, this isn’t enjoyable to me. I’m not having fun. And while at this point I’m not sure what narrative they’re actually trying to tell (the characters are literally just reacting to the plot now, rather than moving it forward; we have no idea what the hell their goal is and I’m sure we won’t find out until some villain does something new), I also know that it’s not one I’m particularly interested in seeing play out. I still love several of the characters (Keith primarily, but also Lotor (despite what they did to him), Kolivan, Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti if she’s somehow miraculously still alive), but the overall plot of the show is not one I’m interested in anymore. I don’t think things are going to be handled with the nuance they deserve. I don’t think the writers have the ability to do that at this point. And knowing what this show could have been, versus what it is, makes it really difficult for me to want to keep watching.

So I’m not going to.

Because I don’t see a point in watching something that doesn’t make me happy. If I’m going to come out of every season feeling like this, I shouldn’t do it. To be fair, there are probably a lot of other factors that go into this, such as being on antidepressants / anti-anxiety meds for the first time ever (lot of good they’re doing!!), and other stressors, but . . . still, a show should make me happy. A show should alleviate the stress, not add to it. Even if the show isn’t ultimately what has reduced me to crying so much (and I’ve cried a lot), it’s still a contributing factor and it shouldn’t be that way.

So I’m stepping off. For me, VLD had a good run (mostly the back half of season two, and season three), but this is where I’m done. With the show, at least.

Because like I said, I still do really love the alternate realities I’ve created, and I’m probably going to keep writing those. They’re AUs, so they have nothing to do with canon as it is. My Keitor Zine fic is already done and has been submitted; and my Big Bang fic is an AU as well. So I’ll probably still write those, as I want to, because they’re not beholden to any of the nonsense that just went down in s6, or any of the nonsense that will follow. So if anyone is still interested in those, I’ll probably still write them.

But as for watching the actual show? No. I’m done. Seeing that done to Lotor, and the girls, and how bad the writing is overall . . . I’m sorry, but there are better shows out there. And I just can’t do this anymore.

So . . . that’s that. As coherent or incoherent as this was, that’s that. And I don’t even have a good way to end this so just . . . here’s this, ig.

(don’t reblog it, though. likes and replies are fine, but no reblogs, thanks.)

[sazzafraz]

crashing tide 2 eclectic bugaboo

got my ass kicked accidentally coming off lexapro and had to tidy this up for people who aren’t me. 

arc title: a timebomb

so rachel (hanko. do not call her this) is more of an anti-fan. a peerless cucumber, if you will. she died dissing the war arc. when she arrived she immediately left ninja school and forced her way into a cooking apprenticeship. she aims to eventually make the malaysian food of her childhood accessible to the masses. this is all before she finds a kid upside down in her dumpster. nart, with half a grilled fish in his mouth, hisses at her. rachel, tired and strung out on not-coke, hisses back. this is her dumpster to steal bad fish from. eventually she shows nart the best spots for getting decent food on the cheap. then she feels bad. she knows that the war restricted produce from the other nations and she doesn’t have the money to spend. so, dumpsters. why the fuck is a kid here.

she ignores that he is naruto

for like awhile. during which she bullys him into a nicer apartment (because the hokage pays for it) with a good kitchen she can cook in. she doesn’t live with him but shes around a lot.  so nart grows up w a weird millennial who’d rather have plants than children.  

nart grows up. and rachel isn’t nice she’s blunt and casually dismissive of people and terrifyingly weak when nart pushes too hard and takes things too personally. but she’s a person. so nart grows up with a handful more social skills and different incomprehensible fear drives. rachel being rachel ignores that this is the protagonist until people try to kill him. naturally. 

rachel nearly dies. like rachel is 90% dead. naruto taps into the kyuubi much earlier. its a shitty back alley with shitty men who are shiity about pretty redheads and demon children. after nearly dying rachel doesn’t speak to naruto for like six weeks. what? she’s busy. she’s busy and it was scary. when she gets sent to an outpatient program run by the hyuuga she meets a slim man names touma. who immediately locates that she’s a transmigrator who then scolds her for messing with the plot

rachel:.........thE PLOT-

two hours later they stop fighting and bringing up specific fights they had on forums. two hours after that rachel gets Read In on the whole situation with the other transmigrators.  touma asks her to look out for her kid but otherwise accepts that she could not give a shit. 

fast forward. some weirdo throws a weeks worth of meals thru her window with a heartfelt note attached. touma sends her a coded letter saying that sasuke’s guardian is like them and making some moves. the hokage comes to visit. it is not a very nice visit. she ends p on the couch over night holding naruto. they both cry.

mirako disappears for a year. this is good. rachel sharpens her knife.

fast forward again and rachel has a knife and a tired uchiha at the end of it.

rachel has some expectations here: she remembers the uchiha and how snobby and insular and frankly scary they were. she also remembers that they were weird and silent and scared. mirako is some of those things but she’s also just straight up a shinobi. she has the eyes of someone whose killed and doesn’t care about it.

mirako throws her hands up! fuck it! lets get drinks!

they get drinks. rachel gets really specific and mirako is like. oh. its you. i remember you. did you ever get over the Itachi twist because like. you were too mad about it. they bond a little.

at this point we switch back to mirako fully who realises that...sasuke has to go to ninja school. he has to go to ninja school and that sucks. see now sasuke has several things OG him didn’t. he knows how to make friends! he has a conception of the world that doesn’t focus Konoha or Itachi! he has a weird aunt and cousin! what he doesn’t have and mira can’t take off time to teach him is a basic ninja foundation. her mom could do it, but she extremely does not want him to internalise what her mom has. she can probably undo Fire’s brainwashing, she cannot undo her mothers. she’s tried. 

so mirako nuts up and goes to the hokage. during this meeting, crashed by dan, she meets danzo for the first time and something is just.......fucked there. danzo literally screams with parts of her family. she can sense the book womans work, unwilling, and knows the only reason he doesn’t have her eyes is because danzo is cursed.

‘oh shit’ mirako thinks

‘what a way to find out THOSE fairytales were true’

but she gets through the meeting despite the wailing and terror of again. her literal family. drifting off this old man. she and dan settle up there debts for the time being. she’s more than repaid him for what he lost and she’s feeling centred enough to let SOME water pass under the bridge.  

she and dan genuinely part on good terms.

some months pass. sas goes to school. mirako goes bask to work. rachel becomes a fixture in mirako’s life. she never ever brings naruto and mira accepts this as a protective measure. after enough time that her paranoia settles mirako begins to look into the bookwoman to try and get a handle on what the fuck is up w danzo

things she finds: recipes for napalm, arrows embedded with the blood of divine beasts, pages of script so dense with seals they make her brain hurt, secret techniques she is never going to have the chakra to use. 

she finds no evidence this woman ever existed. she has three options: talk to dan, who might know by virtue of magpie-espionage. talk to touma who also has magpie techniques. talk to her mom, who was raised uchiha.

she chooses option four and hunts down hatake kakashi.

now this is hard, and stupid. but she has two things on her side: he is a main character and she is raising one. and two, he canonically stalks naruto. so she and rachel essentially bait a trap.

okay they surprise him when mira knows he’s chakra depleted and emotionally blackmail him, still! a temporary ally! 

kakasi doesn’t have useful information but he does have access to secret black ops nonsense and when rachel is done using her strategic hatred of kishimotos character building to create a backdoor to kakashis empathy he agrees to have a look.

more months pass. sasuke grows enough that we have another shopping interlude. this time he comes home with a series of lovely pale green and lavender undershirts (dramatic robes) that are like, lovely? but his whole deal makes a little much? mirako regrets that her self-soothing method for them is watching wuxia/xianxia.  

hey! it’ll be kakashi’s problem! she can give him that along with occasional medical care.

right: kakashi occasionally drops his bleeding ass on her doorstep. he’s sniffed out shes a trained medic and that she is thrilled when she can make him leave. perfect! no matter how many times she points out that she’s a fucking beautician now he still ends up bloodying her good towels. shameless. 

its been another year and a bit. sasuke doesn’t have friends in konoha because everyone is still Too Intense but he did remember his promise to let nart do the shit he’s good at and judge him by that. now sas turns up in front of him makes rude demands and then leaves. they truly aren’t friends but their relationship is stronger. naruto has more people around him and sasuke has friends outside of konoha. mira needs to know more about the bookwoman but it’s fine right now. the hokage got what he wanted and they have a few years before The Plot. it’s fine.

sasuke is probably close to nine now. he’s still well mannered and a little feral. he cares Too Much and he wields a training sword like his favourite actor ( WWX no we will not talk about it) and has a hauntingly lovely collection of bespoke fashion that mirako can’t actually object to. mirako has more money than ever thanks to touma’s investments. she takes time off for her and sasuke to travel a little and teaches him Ancient Uchiha Nonsense. they never leave for long paranoid about the other transmigrators but they genuinely eek out a good few years for sasuke. enough that she’s cautiously optimistic about his chances.

hahahaha

four days after a trip, when rachel and touma are also mysteriously away, kakashi crashes through her front window covered in blood. in his arms is a young girl with pink hair absolutely riddled with knife wounds. 

enter the full cast of team 7 

end ‘timebomb’ arc pt 1 

[your-dietician]

Evolution Could Explain Why Psychotherapy May Work for Depression

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/evolution-could-explain-why-psychotherapy-may-work-for-depression/

Evolution Could Explain Why Psychotherapy May Work for Depression

A consensus has emerged in recent years that psychotherapies—in particular, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—rate comparably to medications such as Prozac and Lexapro as treatments for depression. Either option, or the two together, may at times alleviate the mood disorder. In looking more closely at both treatments, CBT—which delves into dysfunctional thinking patterns—may have a benefit that could make it the better choice for a patient.

The reason may be rooted in our deep evolutionary past. Scholars suggest humans may become depressed to help us focus attention on a problem that might cause someone to fall out of step with family, friends, clan or the larger society—an outcast status that, especially in Paleolithic times, would have meant an all-but-certain tragic fate. Depression, by this account, came about as a mood state to make us think long and hard about behaviors that may have caused us to become despondent because some issue in our lives is socially problematic.  

A recent article in American Psychologist, the flagship publication of the American Psychological Association, weighs what the possible evolutionary origins of depression might mean for arguments about the merits of psychotherapy versus antidepressants. In the article, Steven D. Hollon, a professor of psychology at Vanderbilt University, explores the implications of helping a patient come to grips with the underlying causes of a depression—which is the goal of CBT, and is also in line with an evolutionary explanation. The anodyne effects of an antidepressant, by contrast, may divert a patient from engaging in the reflective process for which depression evolved—a reason perhaps that psychotherapy appears to produce a more enduring effect than antidepressants.  Scientific American spoke with Hollon about his ideas on the topic.

[An edited transcript of the interview follows].

You described in your recent article the idea that humans evolved a propensity toward depression as a means to restore emotional and psychological equilibrium. That allows people to stay well integrated within their social milieus. So, can you explain how depression may be a product of evolution that can actually protect us?

In the late 2000s, I read a paper by the evolutionary biologist Paul Andrews. It was masterful, very thoughtful—and I totally disagreed with it. The main premise was that depression was an evolved adaptation that serves to make people ruminate.

Why did you disagree?

For clinicians, we think of rumination as a terrible thing that at best is a symptom of depression and at worst leads to something that deepens the depression. We’ve always thought of it as a kind of exhaust out the tailpipe that is not really helpful.

But the work of Andrews and his colleague J. Andrew (Andy) Thomson recounted that in our evolutionary past, what got you depressed was some kind of major problem—probably a social problem—that might get you excluded from the tribe. And what you had to do is sit down and think about things.

Most of us can think of anxiety as being a useful function, because anxiety takes us away from danger. It’s quick, it’s rapid, the reaction that occurs after stepping on a snake that might be poisonous when you’re out in the woods. But most folks don’t think of depression as having any function. It’s just something unpleasant. The trick is to figure out what the purpose of depression is—and when Andrews and Thomson looked at what goes on when you get depressed, they found that a lot of energy went to the brain.

And the reason for that is to help us to think more carefully about the things that are going wrong, and first to understand what’s the cause. That answers the question: How come I’m feeling so bad? And the second thing is: How can I do a good job of figuring out a solution to a problem? 

So, you don’t have to move rapidly in depression; the bad thing has already happened. You don’t have to get out of the way of a poisonous snake or a leopard. But you do have to solve some kind of complex social problem, and rumination is what gets you there. So as opposed to being an unpleasant byproduct of being depressed, rumination is actually the reason why depression evolved. And it helps you solve complex social problems.  

You seem to now be giving some credence to the ideas of Andrews and Thomson. How does this line of thinking actually play out in people’s lives? At what point does depression and the social problems that need to be ruminated upon begin?

These complex social problems often gear up in adolescence when young people start to ask: Am I going to have a boyfriend and girlfriend? How do I get a boy or girl to like me? Am I going to do okay in school? Are my parents happy with me? Am I going to get to go to college? Will I be able to find a job?

How does your expertise in psychotherapy—and specifically cognitive behavioral therapy—jibe with the evolutionary theory of depression?

Cognitive therapy in this context becomes a bit of a natural. It teaches people how to ruminate more effectively. Cognitive theory holds that people got depressed because they hold inaccurate beliefs about themselves. This can be combined with the additional notion that people can get stuck. For example, if something bad happens, you start thinking that you’re a failure, you’re a loser. For most people, depression motivates them to think more deliberately about the causes of their problems and the solutions they can apply. In most instances in our ancestral past this worked well enough; most depressions remit spontaneously even in the absence of treatment. Cognitive therapy, at the least, hurries the process along and, at the most, helps unstick that subset of individuals who get stuck making negative ascriptions about themselves, typically about personal competence or lovability.

The solution is to essentially teach them the scientific method so they get unstuck. We ask a patient to ask themselves: what do you think is the cause of the problem? What other explanations could there be? What’s the evidence supporting one or the other? And especially we encourage patients who get stuck to pit what are called their stable trait theories—“I am incompetent” or “I am unlovable”— against a more behavioral explanation: “I chose the wrong strategies.”

One area that you’ve worked on is whether CBT has a more enduring effect than drugs, and you’re interested in how that might provide evidence for the evolutionary basis for depression.

Basically, we have good clinical evidence that cognitive therapy is at least as effective as medications in the short run, and more enduring in the long run. CBT may get people thinking carefully about their problems in a way that facilitates coming to a resolution, whereas medications may just anesthetize the stress that underlies a depression.

Are you going to test that idea in some way?

I’ve got colleagues in Vietnam, where they’re quite interested in a study we want to do in which we compare folks treated to recovery with CBT versus folks treated to recovery with medication—and compare those against a control that uses Chinese herbal medicine, which is widely believed there to be effective. And if it’s really the case that antidepressant medications suppress symptoms in a way that worsens the underlying course of depression, then those patients should be more likely to have recurrences when we take them off the medications than when we take them off the Chinese herbal medicine. If it’s really true that CBT truly has an enduring effect that protects against depression, then patients treated to recovery should be less likely to recur following treatment termination than patients who recover on Chinese herbal medicine. In essence, the Chinese herbal medicine serves as an ideal nonspecific control because it provides neither the coping skills taught in cognitive therapy nor the pharmacologically active serotonin-related ingredient provided by antidepressant medications. We have a trial that we want to do that should answer the question, but it hasn’t yet been done.

Doesn’t some evidence exist along these lines already, though?

There are over half a dozen studies that indicate that patients treated to remission with cognitive therapy are less likely to relapse following treatment termination than patients treated to remission with antidepressant medications—and a pair of studies that suggest that this enduring effect may extend to the prevention of recurrence. What we do not know is where all this fits within the proposed evolutionary context: whether cognitive therapy has an enduring effect, or antidepressant medications may be detrimental in terms of prolonging the life of the underlying episode—as evolutionary theory suggests. What is needed is a nonspecific control that neither has enduring effects or the anesthetizing effects caused by the medication. Whether cognitive therapy truly has an enduring effect, or antidepressant medications have a detrimental effect, remains to be determined. The comparison of each to a nonspecific control like Chinese herbal medicine should allow us to determine in absolute terms which is which.

You’ve talked about the difficulties in trying to measure whether there really are enduring effects in this type of trial.

It also is possible that the enduring effects observed for cognitive therapy (relative to antidepressant medications) have to do with changes that occur during the course of a clinical trial. Although we randomize patients to cognitive therapy versus antidepressant medications at the outset of the trial, we typically lose about 15 percent of the sample because of attrition, and another 25 percent as a nonresponse to either intervention. That means that only about 60 percent of the sample initially randomized makes it into the comparison of subsequent rates of relapse. If different kinds of patients remit to cognitive therapy than to antidepressant medications, that could bias any subsequent comparisons.

Do you think that these insights about CBT could have an impact for severe depression?

I don’t know, and wouldn’t necessarily assume that they would. For psychotic depression, you’d go to electroconvulsive therapy first. I’m not sure that the analytical rumination hypothesis will apply to psychotic depressions, or that it needs to. For every evolved adaptation there are instances in which the mechanism evolved breaks down and the condition can be considered to be an actual disease or disorder.

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[lalka-laski]

1. Other than the expected things, what is something you’ve done every day for the past month? Hmm... I’m not great at maintaining a routine so I can’t think of something I’ve for sure done every day. Even something like taking my supplements hasn’t happened daily. 

2. What is one way in which things have improved for you lately? I started a new skincare routine with higher quality products (bye-bye drug store brands!) and I noticed a considerable difference in my skin’s clarity and smoothness.  

3. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? Binge eating and drinking are probably my most prominent bad habits. They’re a constant struggle to kick, but I try... 

4. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? Nothing springs to mind. It was probably somebody at work though. 

5. Are you good at committing to things like nanowrimo or inktober? i’ve attempted some of those “X Day Challenges” on Facebook & Instagram but I’m sure I never made it to the end. 

6. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Always. 

7. What outfit or clothing item have you been wearing the most lately? My Aerie leggings are pretty much glued to my legs at this point. Oh also my mom got me this ADORABLE pink pajama set for Christmas that I’ve been lounging and sleeping in a lot. I love a luxurious pair of jammies! 

8. What kinds of videos do you like to watch on youtube, if any? It varies wildly. Lately I’ve been watching this channel called “Squirmy & Grubs” that documents the life of an inter-abled couple. It’s fascinating & feel-good! I also like DIY craft videos, and the occasional beauty or skincare vid although I try to stay away from that side of Youtube just to preserve my own self-esteem. 

9. Have you had any snow yet? Is this normal for your region? We just finally got a few decent snowfalls here, which is very late for my area. We’re usually up to our eyeballs in it by early December.

10. How would you describe your sleep schedule? CHAOS. 

11. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? If you count phone hotlines as crisis centers then, yes. They got the job done for the time being but I need ongoing, consistent support (and that’s ok!) 

12. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? Well I’m kind of afraid of daily life so every morning I get out of bed and face the world is a day I confront my fears. (Look at me acknowledging my own accomplishments! WHO IS THIS GIRL?) 

13. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I am a kind and thoughtful person who considers the feelings of others. 

14. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? It goes without saying, but moving into my own apartment gave me a sense of independence and self-sufficiency that I’ve never had before. And just the entire process of searching and applying for a place, then asking for my parents’ blessing with it, strengthened my confidence. It was scary as HELL but I’m so proud of myself for doing it. 

15. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Willpower, motivation, restraint. But these are all fixable issues, right...?  16. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? There’s a lot on social media that I try to tune out, but I have this cool self-sabotaging habit where I seek out content that’ll upset me just so I can spiral. I will never understand why I do it, but yeah.

17. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? I got into some kind of debate with a guy last weekend while drunk but I honestly have *NO* clue what it was about. All I remember is my friend & sister signaling to me that the argument wasn’t worth having because the guy in question is too close-minded and incitive. 

18. When was the last time you were envious and what caused it? What types of things are you inclined to envy? I’m a very envious person, so I could take my pick here. My greatest source of envy though lately is Glenn. It’s unfair to him, because he provides MORE than enough attention, affection & love, but the green-eyed monster still gets to me. I have retroactive jealousy, so I get upset thinking about the fact that he loved other girls before me. Again, I *KNOW* this is unfair, and the love he feels for me is different- stronger- than the love he felt for them. But that doesn’t stop me from stalking their Facebook pages and spiraling into a self-deprecating hole!! Love it!!

19. What is something you wish was different about your family? I wouldn’t change much about my immediate family, but I do wish I was closer to some of my extended relatives. I have cousins & aunts I hardly ever see, despite the fact we live in the same city.

20. Name someone you miss and the last time you talked to them? Do you think you’ll ever talk again? Instead of taking the obvious, but saddest, route and mentioning someone who has passed away, I’ll say I miss Eileen & her girls. I haven’t nannied for them in almost a year now and it’s heartbreaking. I’ve missed so many of the girls’ milestones and it’s time I’ll never get back. I know this is the safest & healthiest decision but it doesn’t diminish my sadness in any way.  21. What is something unusual that irritates you? Is there anything that seems to bother others but doesn’t bother you at all? My biggest pet peeve is walking behind slow people. But that bothers most of us, doesn’t it?

22. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting my health in order. Oh, and my finances.  23. What was the last piece of candy you ate? A Reese’s Christmas tree 

24. Are you more dramatic or stoic? Oh I am HIGH DRAMA HONEYYYYYY 

25. When was the last time you wished you could take something back? Something small happens daily that I wish I could rewind & redo. But that’s showbiz baby. 

26. What was the last thing you mailed? How about received (other than bills and such)? Last thing I mailed was work-related & the last thing I received was a baby shower invite! 

27. What was the last kind thing someone did for you? How about the last thing you did for someone else? This is a trick question because I’m engaged to (and live with) the kindest gentleman in the world. Our whole relationship is just a back-and-forth of favors and cute gestures. (Am I bragging? Probably. But I don’t care!) 

28. If everything in the world that was happening now was because of something you were doing or thinking, what aspects of yourself would you have to improve to change the world for the better? I um.... do not like this question. Lol! 

29. What is your favorite thing to dream about? Nora <3 

30. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? I just started Lexapro a few months ago & I notice a nice difference in my anxiety levels. I’ve never been afraid of medication and I’m very pro-science. 

31. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Medium! 

32. Are you happy when summer ends, or do you wish it would last longer? I always have this sad nostalgia because it reminds me of the back-to-school blues of childhood. Even though I’ve been out of school for years, I can’t shake that feeling every season. 

33. How do you feel about the idea of turning 30? Or, if you already have, did your expectations or worries hold up to the reality? I’ll be 30 in just 2 birthdays and I don’t have many feelings about it. I’ve never let an age (or any numbers or stats) dictate my life, so it’s of no consequence to me. 

34. Just as a guess, how old do you think you’ll live to be? I don’t wanna answer that 

35. What keeps you going lately? My loved ones

[quill-ink-requests-blog]

Behold Yourself

Chapter 1

It was a fine morning as I rolled out of bed, stretching my long, muscular arms, and shaking my long, gloriously soft red hair---yeah, who am I kidding!

It wasn't a fine morning. Or rather, it isn't a fine morning. My feet trip over themselves, causing me to hop around, as I scurry to my closet to whip through my available clothing options.

Let's see here, I have a pair of skinny jeans, 3 t-shirts, a blouse, a black and red checkered skirt, and some scrubs. . . I really do need to do laundry.

Pulling out the jeans and a gray t-shirt, I rush through the morning process. I'm almost about to brush my teeth before Fiona calls out "Meds, Yusa!"

Oh, yeah, right. Setting down my toothbrush, which is currently properly covered with toothpaste, I rush downstairs. On the table is both my Lexapro---Fiona was always so nice and prepared for everything, wasn't she?---along with a glass of water. Downing a quick gulp of water, I swallow my Lexipro---ugh, thank goodness I don't have to split it anymore---and rush back up to the bathroom.

My toothbrush with toothpaste is still sitting there, nice and proper, and I hurry through that process before running back to my room to make sure I have all my tiny trinkets. Watch, check. Phone, check. Necklace?

My hand flies up to my neck as I gaze around the room. Where is it, where is it?!

There! On my wardrobe, half hidden by what can only be described as a mass of junk---not that the stuff isn't useful, but I never use it, and it's just amassed into a pile. Snatching my necklace from among them---without knocking anything off, I grin, put it on, and rush back downstairs.

Fiona's already waiting for me. "Your backpack is in the car already, and so is your tablet." Never let it be said that my foster mother isn't amazing.

Yes, foster. My parents died when I was young, at the hands of some very careless bullies. I don't mean that they just didn't care, I mean that these bullies weren't careful as they tried to set some of my stuff on fire. The blaze found my house, decided it was very hungry, and that a house, with my parents inside, was much better than the little pile they'd amassed.

Yeah, not a fun memory. I try my best to keep it from showing, though, and I guess it succeeds, because Fiona returns my grin with an eye-roll and a smirk. "Geez, you'd think you're going to an awesome place, or something, not Reggard's Parochial High."

I snort, laughing as we get into the car. "What, Reggard's isn't awesome?" At her incredulous look, my laughter escalated. "I'm kidding, just kidding." Yeeeeaaaah, Reggard's Parochial was a high school funded by the local church. They were a very. . . religious bunch, but there were no other schools in town.

Crappy, I know, but it's all we got. Quite a few of the kids there take to some of their practices easily, but for people like me, who refused to be forced into a belief, and didn't actually believe in something like that anyways. . . well, it's sucky.

A few minutes of laughter and silence as we drove later, and there it was. Reggard's Parochial, the only high school in town, and home to hell. Ironic? Yes. Overstatement? Not really.

See, the thing is, many people at Reggard's, and admittedly many people in this small town of Hildeburg, were very judgmental. Very, very, very judgmental. So while it might've been sucky for the extremity of religion, it was hellish for how easily everyone found that one thing which seemed out of place and placed all their burdens upon it.

Getting out, I grab my backpack, wave to Fiona, and begin the walk. At the door, one of my only friends, Mack. Her hair was in a braid today, I noted as we waved to each other. Today must be off to a terrible start.

"Hey, Yusa," Mack grinned at me. "The ghouls seemed extra vicious today." Grinning back, I exhale and hide my necklace under my shirt.

Maybe I should explain. Ghouls are the term I used to describe our current bullies. Yes, our; Mack---whose real name is Erin---befriended me in our first year, and after my home and parents burnt to bits, joined the ranks among the bullied; I had seemed uncaring about their deaths, and that she remained my friend made them think she didn't care either, but I digress. I had come up with the term after a particularly silly spill with Geronimo Hacks, a prankster who had listed me as his target.

They don't have a brain, they don't have a life, and they haven't found their purpose. Until they find one of those three, we're stuck with them haunting us. Pretty accurate, I figured, and so it's stuck ever since.

"Oh? What'd they do?" Mack sighed before pointing at the banner---the banner I hadn't noticed because I was too busy thinking. On it, painted in gold, were the words, You're Not Welcome Back, Bollix!

What a lovely welcome. I said as much, Mack smiled wryly, and together we made our way into the wolf den.

Inside wasn't much better. Glares and whispers---okay, more like very loud talking that they pretend is private---follow the pair of us as we head to our first class. Today was the first day after winter break, so our classes hadn't changed, but it was a long enough absence to warrant a welcome back.

"You'd think they'd get a life by now," I muttered. "It's been an entire month for them to do so, so where'd they go?"

Mack snorted, giving me a patronizing look. "Now, now, Yusa. We shouldn't belittle the less fortunate."

We both laughed at that---really, having no life is unfortunate, but had to stop as Kirsten Wallace approached.

Just great.

Kirsten was among the privileged in the school, known for being devout, being hot, and being a complete and utter wagon.

Okay, well, it was more to Mack and I that she was a wagon, but still. She was a wagon, and a particular pox of one, at that. "I'm surprised you're talking, ginger-face." Her voice was sickly sweet, as always. The girl might look like and sound like sugar, but I'm pretty sure that sugar was actually lead. "I mean, being without parents is pretty unfortunate."

I raise a brow. They usually tried to avoid that topic, because it made them feel guilty, and ginger-face was a ludicrous insult. Kirsten must've had a bad break or there was someone new, because she'd never be such a 'female dog' otherwise.

The sugar-lead girl doesn't move, as if she's waiting for a reply.

She must've had a really bad time.

"It's not so unfortunate when I know they have no chance of meeting you. I'd worry they wouldn't be able to get to heaven, with the smell of your perfume." I wrinkle my nose. "You could drown out a flock of sweaty athletes who haven't bathed in a month just by walking by, and still have stink left to make people gag."

Mack was snickering into her hand, but I was being honest. Kirsten always wore too much perfume, as if she failed to get the idea it was supposed to make it easier to breathe around a person, not suffocate those nearby.

I guess the bratty brunette wasn't expecting me to spit something back---which was astonishing, truly. Surely, after three years of me returning fire and laughing at theirs, they'd have realized by now---because she became flustered, gaping for something to say before spinning around and marching off.

Mack leaned over to me, and whispered, "Despite how bitchy she is, she's probably the most pitiable soul around." I nod in agreement. Anyone who spent all their hours trying to make another feel like crap, but couldn't take anything they said back, they didn't even have an okay life.

Shrugging it off, I grinned lopsidedly at Mack, who raised a brow at me as we continued to first period. "With all she says and tries to do, I wasn't aware she had one."

Mack let out a bark of laughter, shaking her head at me, before shrugging. "Okay, good point." Our chuckles dwindled down as we found the door to her first period. Mrs. Madison, English 111. How sad. I sent Mack a little wave, walking away as I called, "Good luck!"

Mack glared at me, frowning as she reached for the door. "Coward!"

"When it comes to Mrs. Madison, that I am!" Is my reply, especially as I zip through to crowds to my own first period. It is, thankfully, not far away, but the ghouls always got worse when I wasn't around Mack. I guess they were reluctant when one of their former own was right beside me. If I lingered too long, they'd find some way to mess me up, and I didn't want to be late.

As I made my way to the classroom door, I felt a shiver go up my spine, like something bad was going to happen. Frowning, I slowly pushed the door open with my foot. It didn't feel like the danger was nearby, but it was better safe than sorry.

Sploosh!

Knew it.

>> A/N Originally written on my Inkitt, BreathingInk. The link is below. Please, tell me what you think!

Inkitt

Chapter 2

[candidlycaro]

Phoenix

Well, I haven’t been on Tumblr (besides a school project) since I was 15 years old. This used to be my place to vent, share my feelings, write creatively, and obviously post the impromptu emo-cutting GIF that this trash website used to be filled with nonstop. I’m just thankful that it’s popularity decreased and I was actually able to get this username? Kinda sick. You know what I mean.

SO-- what brings me back? There’s a lot of easy answers to this question and then I think there are deeper ones. The most obvious, glaring answer is that I got dumped last week. No, not the kind of dumped that makes me want to key his car (it’s a Honda, anyway) or punch him in the face, but the kind that makes you take a real big look at yourself on the inside. So I did that. I took everything that he said and I looked inside-- and for the first time in the entirety of our relationship I realized something. He was right. (If you’re reading this I promise this was a half-joke meant for dramatic effect, you deserve more credit where credit is due!)

But in all seriousness, I took a look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I saw a girl so consumed by negativity, fixation, and obsession that she forgot how to be happy. I looked in the mirror and saw someone whose idea of self care was skipping a meal or putting off smoking weed until AFTER doing something that was much more important (no friends, I am not getting rid of weed. I should. But right now it makes me laugh when I want to cry so I think I’ll be sticking to it for a bit). 

Anyways, the point that I’m trying to make is that he really did me a favor. Not a favor as in like leaving me, in fact I’m pretty sure we’re on fine terms considering we almost broke his bed and my knee having sex the other day but I’m talking bigger picture. He actually cared about me enough to be like HEY FUCKER. YOU’RE NOT YOU ANYMORE. And for a bit I hated him for that-- I really did! I was like dude, fuck, two years of my life and you’re telling me this isn’t SERIOUS? But, when I realized he had signed up for something completely different it kind of clicked with me. He didn’t sign up for this or this version of myself, he signed up for the happy go-lucky Caro that lit up every room she walked into. Not to say that our SO’s shouldn’t be through thick and thin, but when thick becomes your entire lifestyle it’s different. And I got it. I seriously stood in front of my mirror this weekend, took a huge look, and was like well, fuck, who is this?

I don’t really know where she went, but I used to like actually enjoy life. I used to like doing activities, getting up early for workout classes (something I think I’d rather swallow literal shit for than do now), being incredibly kinky, cooking, taking my dog places-- I don’t know, point being, I was a person. Now all I seem to do is sit in my job from like 9:30 (fine, 10 if we’re being honest) to 7, maybe I have a good day if I’m lucky, I would leave, go to my (ex)boyfriends apartment and complain up the wazoo, smoke, sleep, and repeat. Is that ANY FUCKING WAY TO LIVE? I THINK NOT!

Like as much as what he said hurt me, he was completely right. Who the fuck was I? Why was I making both of us so unhappy and why couldn’t I at least see it? And I think the most hurtful question or the one that pains me the most rather is why did it take me so long to realize? Because it’s not like he never told me or gave me the chance to change, he really did. But I didn’t want to change and I wasn’t ready to. I was content being that type of person for some reason and didn’t really realize what was at stake.

And it wasn’t just the relationship that was at stake-- if it was then the whole point of this post or whatever would be so fucking dumb. I didn’t realize that MY LIFE WAS AT STAKE. I’m 22 why the FUCK am I hung up, sad, complaining nonstop, wasting my life smoking it away (once again, I love you weed but only in doses. Like crack!-- kidding. kind of) instead of having amazing sex with someone I was so infatuated by, getting in the best physical shape of my life (I was an exercise science major, after 25 shit goes DOWNHILL!), spending time with family friends and just enjoying. I actually started hating GOING OUT too which like if you know me you know I’m not a huge drinker but I always was down to go out and just like socialize? What happened to that? 

Bottom line: shits gotta change. And like I kind of wish it could be one of those self-discovery things where I’m like “what do I need to change? I’ll do it and find myself randomly in Thailand with the elephants, ah!”-- but I know exactly what I need to change. And I’ve made some INTENTIONS. 

1. Appreciation

Something me and my (ex)boyfriend agreed on heavily was that we took each other for granted. When we spent time together we’d just be there on our phones, not really appreciating and recognizing how lucky we both were to be in the presence of someone that loves you. That lack of appreciation turned into resentment, and I don’t want that to happen in any of my relationships-- family, friends, lovers, whatever. I won’t let that happen again. I want everyone in my life to know that I appreciate them, I want to be present with them. I don’t want to go on my phone when I’m at dinner with friends, I want to give my parents all the attention they deserve, and frankly I want everyone in my life to know they’re loved. Ex boyfriend included. 

2. Motivation

I don’t really know where this one went. When I was in kindergarten I remember kicking a middle schooler in the nuts simply because he told me I couldn’t go on the swing because I was a girl. My ultra feminist chic 5 year old self would kick ME in the VAGINA if she knew that I was acting like this. I am such a lucky, lucky girl with a loving family, friends, and more. I’m smart, I’m beautiful, I know my self-worth and most importantly-- I know that I can succeed anything I put my mind to. Why am I fucking afraid of yoga, or running, or failing. It’s time to get the fuck up and do it. Did I go to yoga today? Yes. Did I cry twice when Mac Miller came on in the middle? Also yes. But I WENT. And that’s better than the day before!

3. Calm

Everyone who knows me knows I live breathe shit anxiety. It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life and something I never really put in the effort to fix. Sure I’m on lexapro, I used to spoof my ex’s klonopon every once in a while and at one point I smuggled 100 xanax from Mexico. But like I’ve never gotten to the root of it. Yes, I know I have death-anxiety because my parents are literal dinosaurs. Yes, I know I’m insecure because my ADHD makes me seem annoying. I know all these things, and based off of all the psych classes I’ve taken in the past I could probably hit the nail on the head but I’m not a professional. It’s time to stop self-diagnosing, fixating, and get some damn help. Maybe if I wasn’t so stressed and pushed that stress onto everyone else everyone in my life would be happier? I know my ex definitely would be. 

 4. Work is what it is-- work. It’s not your life

As mentioned above, I live breathe and shit anxiety. I also live breathe and shit my job and it’s time for that to stop. I don’t give two shits anymore if I had a bad day, if someone’s trying to cause shit or my boss is a bitch. At the end of the day I’m there to get money? If the opportunity cost of my happiness versus my paycheck is at such a huge discrepancy it’s time to rethink careers. Not saying I’m quitting my job, but I need to learn to start leaving work at work. They don’t pay me after I go home so I shouldn’t think about it. Easier said than done but I need to work on it. 

5. Acceptance

Let’s be real-- I have an acceptance problem. I refused to accept it when my ex left me, I refused to accept it when my dad got sick (I actually fully never visited him in the hospital after he had a stroke which is one of my most embarrassing secrets. That one felt good to get out!), and sometimes I just blatantly refuse to accept things I can’t change. 

As my wise mother Charlene once said,

You can’t make someone call you back who doesn’t want to.

You can’t make someone love you who doesn’t. 

And most importantly, you can’t change what you can’t change. But what you can change is YOU. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. 

It’s been Day 1 of this journey, and it definitely wasn’t easy. I cried 6 times, ate two donuts, almost passed out in crescent moon pose, heard my ex’s favorite song in MY YOGA CLASS and started crying in front of a group of randos, but I got up. I went to work. I got on the mat and was present. I focused on my breathing. I cried my eyes out to Fleetwood Mac, Selena Gomez, & Lady Gaga all in one day. Weird combination but it’s fine. Will Day 2 be easier? Probably not-- but it’s not supposed to be. Changing and molding yourself isn’t supposed to be easy. If it was then every single time me and my ex had this same exact conversation we would’ve changed. But we didn’t. I know this is going to be hard-- probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it will also be the most worth it. 

-Caro

[aslaton8-blog]

Mood

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, my birthday was yesterday but I didn't get to enjoy it at all. Ryan is out sick with the flu... I didn't plan any celebration because those never turn out well. Last time I threw a birthday party this girl Ashley made it all about herself. She tripped out on mushrooms and started screaming at the top of her lungs just because she wanted to, then invited us to her party in her head "you should come see this!!!"

That was almost 6 years ago and I haven't had a birthday party ever since. Really the only birthday party I can remember that I actually enjoyed was when my father surprise me by taking me to the fire station and surprising me with my first bicycle. I was 7 years old...

All I fucking wanted this year was to spend my birthday with my husband because we haven't been as intimate lately due to my sexual abuse and being pregnant. Really that's all I really wanted besides that donation for the baby Penguin which I got before my birthday when in came in the mail labeled with the WWF organization as the sender. That's never a problem; receiving gifts before my birthday. I only care that I don't receive gifts on Christmas or in Christmas wrapping paper. I love my little plush penguin but I love my husband a whole lot more. I can't even spend the weekend with him. I mean we spend weekends together but this is my birthday weekend, this is the day that is supposed to remind me that I belong here and that I'm not a mistake and that I matter and have purpose.

I've been invited to Christmas parties and to Winter Solstice parties but none of which I feel like celebrates my existence. With 8+ billion people on this planet, I need to feel like my tiny little flower bud of impact is meaningful. I almost see this as a reflection from the world that I'm dead inside and unrecognized as a part of life. A man who is dead and no longer with us is very important this time of year. Mother Earth gets recognized this time of year. But Ashley... Well she's just a piece of rock that fell down that mountain and hit someone in the head. Just here, existing for everyone else to stand on.

I know this is my depressed brain talking. When my husband feels better I'm sure I'll bounce back like I always do, but that isn't the point. I know everything will be okay eventually but while it's not, I should be allowed to express my anger without someone taking responsibility for it. It's a virus. I want to blame planet Earth or God or Allah or Krishna but that's the human brain always looking for something to blame.

I don't blame myself for my mood. I always feel like I have guns pointing at me and I'm helpless to defend myself. I can't make my husband take vitamins. I can't suggest anything for his health, he's a nurse. There is really nothing I could have done. So I get to sit here writing a pessimistic blog about how lonely I am this weekend. It's my fucking birthday weekend. I can't even feel angry because I'm pregnant and on Lexapro. I need to get it out somehow. I'm sick of feeling down by one fucking silent battle or another.

All I wanted was to be with my husband on my birthday. Why do people win things so much that just don't matter enough in the long run and I actually ask for things that matter and I not only get denied what I want, I also get spit in the face by one of my friends telling me I should do something for Ryan on my birthday.

Direct Message:

"Hey, you can completely disregard this, but maybe instead of you getting something for yourself, you can get something for Ryan. I know it's not perfect, and you're completely entitled to your anger, but it's just a thought"

In response to a post I wrote complaining that Ryan wanted to give me money so I could go shopping to replace his absence. 😭😭😭 I felt like throwing a tantrum. I hate this society. I do and have done things for other people my entire life. Here I am trying to make a life for myself and care about myself for once and I get all this backlash from my environment that I'm not putting out or helping other people enough and that's why I deserve this lonely birthday. Fuck you planet Earth. I'm killing you in my story. You're an asshole to me. You have been from the get go. Everything I have now is because of ME! and my hard work on all the mental damage you did. I deserve better.

I won't help you anymore until I see you working on your own darkness. Stop dumping it all on me. You created this mess, now take some responsibility for it mom and dad... Whatever that means... they weren't parents... they were assholes. I mean my dad killed himself and ran away and couldn't even face the damage he did to me when I confronted him. What a coward. Own up to your shit people. I mean I did. I wasn't always the best person, I didn't start with breaking the cycle. But I confronted what I've done. I didn't get met with love and forgiveness. But that's the point of actually caring about what you did to somebody. You're not going to want to complain about how they react. You can't, you damaged them. This is concerning my ex-husband. I was extremely verbally abusive to him calling him stupid and all sorts of names well kind of like my father used to do to me. That's no excuse, though.

I faced the consequences, I dealt with them and now I'm trying to move forward. I haven't been in that relationship in seven years so I don't know why I'm still paying for it while that sociopath gets clean away from it. I'm sick of fighting your demons for you. Go fight your own God damn demons.

[lesbianrpc]

writing a character with ocd: a guide written by a writer with ocd.

“so, you want to write a character with obsessive-compulsive disorder (ocd), but you a.) aren't sure where to begin; b.) want to do it respectively and need some assistance; c.) don't trust what you've read online and want an inside perspective; or d.) all of the above. well, congratulations!  you've come to the right place.

i've had ocd since i was a child. it first manifested as childhood ocd, went away until puberty, and then came back as full-blown ocd. i was diagnosed officially (don't worry; your girl supports self-diagnosis) at age sixteen and have been through cognitive behavioral therapy as well as take medication for it to this day.

i'm here to give you the perspective of someone with ocd that you may be unfamiliar with thanks to the popularized "neat-freak" and other stereotypes. this is not to say this isn't accurate for other sufferers, but it's my hope that this guide will shed some light on a broader perception of ocd.

DISCLAIMER: this should not be used as medical advice or treatment. i am not a medical doctor or certified psychologist. please seek a doctor or certified psychologist for any and all medical treatment and advice. this guide is purely for FICTIONAL CHARACTER CREATION and not meant to be used for anything else.

1. WHAT IS OCD?

according to the international ocd foundation, it is a "mental health disorder that affects people of all ages and walks of life, and occurs when a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions.

OBSESSIONS are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images or urges that trigger intensely distressing feelings. COMPULSIONS are behaviors an individual engages in to attempt to get rid of the obsessions and/or decrease [their] distress." (x)

the page goes on to state how most people deal with obsessive thoughts or compulsive behavior during their lives. this does not an ocd sufferer make. ocd arises when it becomes clear that the symptoms are so severe that it prevents the person from living their life in such a way that is meaningful to them. when the obsessions and compulsions consume time and get in the way of performing tasks that the person enjoys, then it's a disorder.

important terms for ocd:

intrusive thoughts (sometimes shortened to ITs)

overt compulsions (compulsions we can see like hand-washing, hair twirling, etc.)

covert compulsions (compulsions we can’t see such as counting, praying, etc.)

ego-dystonic (in order for something to qualify as an OCD symptom it must be this, which is defined as “[the symptoms] clash with the sufferer’s self-identity and cause distress”)

2. WHAT IS HAVING OCD LIKE?

there is a good example on the same above about page that i want to share, because i find it's very indicative.

again, from iocdf.

"imagine that your mind got stuck on a certain thought or image… then this thought or image got replayed in your mind over and over again no matter what you did… you don’t want these thoughts — it feels like an avalanche… along with the thoughts come intense feelings of anxiety… anxiety is your brain’s alarm system.  when you feel anxious, it feels like you are in danger.  anxiety is an emotion that tells you to respond, react, protect yourself, DO SOMETHING! on the one hand, you might recognize that the fear doesn’t make sense, doesn’t seem reasonable, yet it still feels very real, intense, and true… Why would your brain lie? why would you have these feelings if they weren’t true? feelings don’t lie…  do they? unfortunately, if you have OCD, they do lie.  if you have OCD, the warning system in your brain is not working correctly.  Your brain is telling you that you are in danger when you are not. when scientists compare pictures of the brains of groups of people with OCD, they can see that some areas of the brain are different than the brains of people who don’t have OCD. those tortured with OCD are desperately trying to get away from paralyzing, unending anxiety…"

ocd is often difficult to describe. it’s also a very diverse disorder. how i experience ocd may not be how anyone else with the disorder experiences it, so on and so forth. it's important to remember this, as there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to have ocd.

keeping this in mind, let's talk about some common obsessions.

3. OBSESSIONS

click here to review each of these common obsessions in detail. 

contamination

unwanted sexual thoughts

losing control

religious obsessions

harm

perfectionism 

concern with getting diseases or illnesses

superstitious ideas about lucky/unlucky numbers or certain colors

this leads us to the part where i tell you about PURE-O (click to read more about it in detail).

PURE-O also known as primarily obsessional OCD or purely obsessional OCD is OCD without overt compulsions or with covert compulsions.

if you click through the link, you’ll read that pure-o is - in laymen’s terms - a form of ocd that focuses either heavily or entirely on obsessions. the sufferer does not or does not often revert to compulsions to combat these obsessions. that is not to say compulsions don’t happen with pure-o, but they don’t revert to them as frequently as suffers with other forms of ocd.

with pure-o, this is where you'll often find the extensive list of acronyms. sufferers that deal with one or several obsessions over others will sometimes like to differentiate this.  the following are examples you may see:

COCD (could be Combination or Checking OCD)

ROCD (could be Relationship or Religious OCD)

HOCD (Homosexuality OCD)

SOCD (Sensorimotor OCD)

VOCD (Violent OCD)

so on and so forth; basically add a letter or two in front of OCD, and there you go.

anything can be an obsession, really, but these are what are considered ‘most common.’

so, with obsessions more or less covered, let’s talk about compulsions.

4. COMPULSIONS

click here to review each of these common compulsions in detail.

washing and cleaning

checking 

repeating (actions, phrases/words)

mental compulsions 

hoarding

putting items in order

telling, asking, or confessing to get reassurance

avoiding situations that will trigger obsessions

compulsions can be physical actions just as often as they can be mental gymnastics. the sided of ocd that most people are familiar with are the physical routines (washing, cleaning, checking locks, hoarding, etc.).  the mental routines are equally important to consider when writing a character with ocd, because for many people with ocd, in an effort to hide our illness, we’ll resort to “quiet” compulsions or ones that are easy to mask.

repeating things in our heads, reviewing events in sequence to ensure “good” outcome, praying because if we don’t pray something “bad” will happen, cancelling and redoing something until it feels right or good, and verbally checking with someone else to confirm events over and over again are lesser known but crucial characteristics for many people with ocd.

5. THERAPY AND TREATMENT

not all people with ocd seek or get treatment.  however, knowing firsthand how unbearable the disorder is, i believe it’s safe to say most are interested in some form of coping mechanisms or ‘healthier’ ways to deal with their disorder.

there are special types of therapy that work especially well with ocd sufferers.

cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) - this is the most common therapy given to ocd patients because it’s seen as the most effective and successful for this particular disorder. if your character has sought treatment for ocd, then this is likely the kind of treatment they were given.

exposure and response prevention (erp) aka exposure therapy - this is a subset of cbt and is almost always included in cbt. this is where the therapist will work with the patient in a controlled environment to expose the patient to triggers in order to retrain the brain to lessen anxiety when exposed.

psychotherapy - this is classic therapy wherein the patient verbally communicates concerns and experiences to a therapist whom listens and may offer some guidance toward personal insight. it’s largely passive and more centered around figuring out the how’s and the why’s as opposed to building tools or coping skills. it’s still helpful, especially for trauma.

here are the most common antidepressants given to ocd sufferers. medicine + cbt are the most effective treatments when paired together and maintained.

selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (ssri’s)

sertraline (zoloft)

paroxetine (paxil)

fluvoxamine (luvox)

fluoxetine (prozac)

citalopram (celexa)

escitalopram (lexapro)

if the patient doesn’t respond to ssri’s, sometimes a psychiatrist or doctor may try a tricyclic antidepressant (tca). this is the most common cleared for ocd treatment:

clomipramine (anafranil)

the serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (snri) most commonly used is:

venlafaxine (effexor)

IN SUMMARY...

ocd is a very diverse disorder. if you do not personally suffer from it but want to write a character (which i encourage!) who does, please keep this in mind. here are some fast fact tips:

your character can and likely should have more than one obsession and compulsion. of course, they can have their main/central ones where others are less common and only arise for certain triggers

ocd suffers very, very often partake in STIMMING

ocd can be a spectrum in that there may be days where your character is functioning very well but others where they can’t even leave the house or perform simple tasks because of obsessions and the need to perform compulsions. they can be late to events or not go at all. they can be completely incapacitated by their ocd

anxiety is nearly constant unless the obsessions are sated, and this should reflect in your character’s actions (eyes darting, hands fidgeting, stuttering, fast heartbeat, etc.)

there’s often a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment involved in ocd, especially if others become involved or witness compulsions

ocd can be treated and sufferers can live happy, productive lives if the disorder is continuously treated with therapy, meds, or a combination of the two

your muse can and should have multiple coping mechanism methods

do your research

be open to criticism

HELPFUL LINKS

Kinds of OCD

OCD Masterlist 

OCD Treatment Options

Coping Mechanisms

Managing Your OCD at Home

happy writing!

[ghoulteaparties]

So i guess nowhere is safe to house my thoughts on any “public” media. So I’ll just post everything on my tumblr.

I feel super hopeless. In almost every aspect. I just want to cry all the time. I feel like i don’t matter and for some reason i try to fight people for a spot in their life. At least that’s how i feel about it.

I want my own space, i don’t want to live at my moms and i don’t want to live with my roommate anymore, not only because the room is horrendously small (which is the main reason) but mostly i just can’t do it anymore. I’m always stressed out, I’m always doing something wrong, it’s awkward sometimes.. and idk i just don’t like it. And it makes me so angry that i can’t just have my own thing. I can’t find my own home and/or i don’t have any friends to move in with.

Then there’s i guess what would be my “love life”. I feel so ignored and useless. I’m not very pretty and i haven’t been wearing make up. I’m about to live with my mom again and i know my “friend” doesn’t care but like.. let’s say i find someone else and they care. I hate it. I hate everything. I just want someone to want me. And no one seems to want me. I feel like I’m being left out again. I feel, actually i know my “friend” is talking to other girls and probably just gonna find someone else to spend time with. I feel so useless.. i can’t even get myself to draw anything.

I guess i just wanted to finally have someone who i get along with really fucking well to just want to be with me. Why is that so fucking hard. I hate that i am constantly afraid of this and i can’t even talk about it without wanting to cry. Like right now i just want to call him and talk to him but i can’t and i won’t because it’s late and ugh idk. I really just needed a friend tonight and i have no one. Yet again.

Guess who’s probably gonna need a higher dose of lexapro lol

[captain-unlikelynutbouquet-blog]

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Will 1 speeding ticket make insurance companies deny you coverage for a job?

I know my question was a little confusing, but I wasn't sure how to word it. In other words, about a week ago I got a job with a local company called Rental City. It's like a ...show more""

How much do you pay a month in auto insurance?

ok i am 23 years old..i live in the city. i was interested in getting a dodge charger r/t.. hemi included..anyhow, i called to get an insurance quote and they told me that i'd have to put 1000 down and pay 800 a month in auto insurance alone. i think that is so crazy. but if i move 20 minutes away i'd pay 550. i am so frustrated because i know that my age is working against me. my brother is financing a 2000 bonneville ssei and he is only paying 340 a month and he is 21. do you think the year and model of the car is what made the quote so high? what kinda car do you have and what is your monthly ins cost?""

How much (on average) would private health insurance be per month for a family of three?

male 40 y.o., female 36 y.o., and child.""

Bankers home insurance in Florida dog question?

I currently have bankers home insurance for home insurance and wondered if there are any dogs that are not allowed or would cause my insurance bill to go up?

How much is insurance for a honda rebel on a 15 in a half year old boy in missouri?

How much is insurance for a honda rebel on a 15 in a half year old boy in missouri?

What would my insurance be for a supra?

i will soon be 16. i get As and Bs occasional C. i will be insured with my mom and brother she is 51. My idea is to get a very cheap car and after about a year when im 17 i want to buy a supra with a salvaged title. nothing to bad done ive seen a few go for about 10k. so what do you guys/girls think will be the total insurance for the supra and the cheap car?

""By looking at these charts, can you understand why the U.S. needed health insurance reform?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/03/health-care-costs-_n_3998425.html

Fleet Insurance?

Can anyone who has fleet insurance tell me roughly how much would it cost to insure 4 cars for a car rental business. i am doing an a level business studies project and need to know. thanks for your help!!!

If I own property and pay insurance from 2 different insurance companies.?

If something were to happen to my property can I collect money from both insurances?

""Any companies you would recommend for cheaper car insurance rates (in Ontario, Canada)?

I've been calling around some of the major companies and the quoted rates have been sky high despite my spotless record. Maybe there's some hidden gem companies out there? I hope!

Why is auto insurance cheaper in quebec than ontario?

Why is auto insurance cheaper in quebec than ontario?

Cost of SR22 insurance in Texas?

Anybody knows the cost of SR22 insurance in Texas?

How much does your health insurance cost per month?

I'm not trying to be nosy. Ax on another question stated his is $60 a month. Mine is a little over $100 a week. Does that seem high?

Somebody help me find cheap car insurance in uk...........?

i am 20 year old foreign student in uk from 2 years....i am about to buy some cheap car with 1 ltr engine which is worth of 1000. but the biggest problem is for the 700-800 worth car they are asking me to pay 5000 insurance........... some body please help me find the cheaper insurance... can you advise me on what basis insurance is counted like age... address so that i can figure out from where to buy insurance.... some extra information:: i don't have any NCB first car I have very new licence in full time education. can afford max 150 per month please guys suggest me some cheap insurance provider....

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

What kind of motorcycle insurance do I need?

I'm thinking about financing a motorcycle and I was trying to get the most accurate quote, just wondering what I would need in each category (i.e. $25,000 bodily injury/property damage or $25,000 uninsured motorist etc etc)""

Where can i get free insurance when buying my first car???

im looking to buy my first car, and was wondering if i would be able to get free years insurance from a local dealership, or is it only mainstream dealerships do that? im looking to spend 1000 on a car, but 2000 if i can get free insurance, how would i be able to get this? Im 17, if age takes any part in this, and living in britain.""

What is the best website to reseach and compare auto insurance quotes?

What is a good website to use when researching auto insurance. One where I can get numerous rates from various insurers and compare them with each other?

Really Angry ! where can i get cheap van insurance im 18 ?

i been on go compare the cheapest i got was 4600 thats on a 1.9 litre van i think its stupid how can i make a living paying that kind of money out i need my van for work plus its not like its really powerfull its a sh!tty van i wolud not mine if it with a 1.9 sports car buts its a van it sholud be cheaper on vans im 18 do u know where i can get cheaper van insurance plus i got quoted 2600 on a 1.1 car

Insurance question?

When setting up your insurance online does the company know how many years NCB you have? if not could you lie?

E&O insurance?

Any suggestions on where or from what company I can buy affordable E&O insurance? I'm in GA with a soon-to-be life and health license.

How much will my insurance raise after DUI and totaled vehicle?

I totaled my 2005 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Friday night and got a DUI. I have been with Nationwide for a number of years, and had a pretty exemplerary driving record. I was paying about 100 dollars a month full coverage as a 26 year old male on my Jeep. Does anyone have an educated guess at what my insurance rates will do now? I'm trying to decide, when I get my license back and buy a new car, if I should be looking at a sports car with full coverage, or if insurance prices alone are going to make me want to get something cheap with liability coverage. By the way, I live in West Virginia.""

Will my car insurance go down after having a child?

I am 19 and pay around 250 a month for my car insurance, my girlfriend is due to have a baby in december, how will this affect my car insurance? if at all, Thank You""

What effect does not being at fault in an automobile collision have on your insurance premium?

Doesn't the cost go up any way?

Insurance quote for 2002 Chevy Cavalier z24?

Hi, I am interested in buying a 99-03 Chevy Cavalier, and I am wondering if anyone knows how much the insurance would cost per year or month? I'm a 17 year old male, and this will be my first car. Also have finished drivers' ed.""

Worries about insurance with a tracker?

Being a 19 year old male who lives in London, insurance was clearly going to be a problem. I have however found some decent quotes which include having a tracker fitted. Now, I don't mind it too much but I do have some worries: a) The location/address: on the quote, I provided a relative's address which is outside of London (the address is about 40 to 50 minutes away from my actual address). Consequently, the price was cut by about half! The worry I have is that if I have a tracker installed, won't it be obvious to the insurer that this isn't my real home address when they see me parking and basically using my actual address instead of the relatives'? I won't be anywhere near the relative's address b) Speed limits: I once read somewhere that '90%+ people go over the speed limit' and although I don't know how true this is, it's clear from driving that in some areas, going at 30 causes delays and its a bit daunting when you're at the limit but everyone else is just speeding past. How much would this change the insurance? c) Price: is the price of the quote they provide the limit? What I mean is if they see bad driving with the tracker, could it increase the quote or is there a limit? Thanks for any help :) P.S Happy new year!""

Insurance on ford focus?

i recently came across a cheap ford focus 2000 edition, and recently passed my test and just wondering what would the insurance be like? exspensive? i really like the car but i dont want it if the insurance will be a bomb""

Best value car/insurance for a new driver (teenager)?

Hey Ive just started taking driving lessons (im 17), and am hopefuly gonna buy my first car soon. I'll probaly just get a second hand one from the paper, but, is there that much difference in the insurance cost with the different cars (like, if i buy a Vauxhall Cora will it be more expensive in insurance than if I get a Ford Focus etc etc). Also, how much will I be looking to pay for for insuance? Im hoping its no higher than 500 a year, as I dont have a ton of money. Thanks""

Information about health insurance in indiana?

I need some best and cheapest health insurance company . Any site would be helpful .

New Car/ Insurance.?

I just got a new car, and my mom needs to put me on her insurance. We are with State Farm, will she just go in and say what car it is? or will I have to go in with her with the car?""

Is fully comprehensive insurance worth paying on a 1000 car?

I'm a 39 year old driver who's had a full licence since the age of 17, I have full no claims and although I've been involved in 2 accidents neither of them were my fault (fingers crossed I'm not to speak too soon). I'm only buying a car worth 1000 and the difference in cost between fully comp and 3rd party, fire & theft makes it worth thinking about going for the latter as the fully comp is 609 with 250 excess and TPFT 480 with 250 excess. Does anyone know, if I was involved in an accident cause by a 3rd party driver can I claim from their insurance? I remember on my 2nd accident (about 14 years ago before the recent technology) although I got all the details of the registration and the driver he gave me incorrect details and the DVLA never actually found him as the car had been in between owners. However I was put in contact with a type of agency who assist in these cases and I got reimbursed for my car and neither did it affect my insurance. How am I covered 3rd party if I have an accident that's the fault of the 3rd party? Logically I'm thinking that I can claim for my car from their insurance? Any advice appreciated, would you go fully comp or TPFT?""

Insurance for a 16 year old?

Im currently looking around for my first car. What would the insurance be for a 16 year old male for a 2005 chevy silverado. Also what would the insurance be for a 2001 camaro. I have a a good gpa if that helps. Also Travelers insurance and live in Connecticut.

""Which monthly expense is more expensive: car payment with insurance, or health insurance?""

Wining and dining, or health insurance? Travel and accomodations, or health insurance? Cigarettes or health insurance? Street drugs or health insurance?""

How much will my insurance rise?

I recently got a speeding ticket for going 9 over in a school zone as well as one for talking on a cell phone in a school zone. I was curious as to how much my insurance will rise. I am 18 and recieved the ticket in Texas. This is my first offense(s). How many points for insurance is a cell phone ticket? Thanks so much!

Chicago health insurance question?

I was wondering what businesses in Chicago probably have no health insurance for their employees?

No proof of insurance ticket in CA?

I got pulled over for speeding, but also cited for no proof of insurance. I was in the process of getting it since I had just bought the car a couple weeks ago. I got insurance a couple days after the ticket. My question is, if I decide to plead not guilty, can I change the date of the insurance and show it to the judge? Would they call the insurance? The insurance sent me the proof through an e-mail so I can try to change the date on it if I wanted to. I dont want to pay the $480 fine for getting insurance after the citation...let me know, thanks""

""I'm 24, I'm young and healthy. PPO or HMO policy?""

I'm 24, I'm young and healthy. PPO or HMO policy?""

Do trucks have high insurance?

As a ''rule'' are trucks high or lower side of insurance? BTW, I am looking at older trucks, 1994-1999 4x4's Thanks everyone. Please now Yes sort of maybe. Just a simple straight forward answer with facts to back up up! :)""

When getting insurance for a vehicle??

Do you get the insurance first then a licence..or get a licence before you get insurance?i've heard 2 different stories from 2 different insurance companies..which is true?

Auto Insurance/Roadside Service. Is Roadguard Auto Club a scam?

I have Robert Moreno Insurance Services via my broker Adrianas Insurance. I googled Roadguard Auto Club, and cant find it. I dont think its a real company. The roadside assistance is $42 and its not mandatory. Their California Motor Club License is #3427-2.""

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Car insurance in Trinidad?

What are some car insurance companys in Trinidad, Im moving there in Decemeber, and considering importing a BMW Z4 with me, but need to find out how much its gonna be to insure :o) Thanks guys. Also Im kinda assuming its not really safe enough to drive around with the Roof down?""

How much is the average annual amount for a sport(crotch rocket) motorcycle insurance?

How much is the average annual amount for a sport(crotch rocket) motorcycle insurance?

How much should I be paying for car insurance?

I live in the Philadelphia metropolitan area, although not in the city itself. I'm 25, and I've had my license since I was 18. I've been in one accident, and the other driver was ruled at fault. I've had no traffic tickets. I have a two year college degree and good credit. I drive a 2006 Chevy Cobalt that will be paid off in August. It's currently under my parents' name and on my parents' insurance policy. Once it's paid off, they're supposed to sign it over to me. (I'm reimbursing them for the car and insurance.) My parents might be ripping me off on the insurance costs; my father bought a second truck around the time of my 25th birthday, and there hasn't been any drop in the policy costs. How much can I expect to pay for a policy in my name only with the car in my name only?""

""Just got 3 tickets, how much does insurance rise?""

I was driving 79(the cop said this, i realy was not going this fast) in a 50 and got a ticket for that. I have a provisional license(I am 17) and had a total of 2 passengers who were not supposed to be in the car(including myself there were 4 people in the car). I also did not have the red sticker on my car. I live in New Jersey. This is my first offense. How much will my insurance rise? I get 4 points for the speeding, and i do not believe any others because points are for moving violations. 220$ for speeding, I believe 100$ for the red sticker, and I have no idea for the extra two people. They are minors, and no i did not get reckless driving.""

16 years old can I get insurance ?

K so I'm 16 getting a 2002 BMW m3 how much will insurance be with just the cheapest I can get how much will insurance be ??? 10 points

Do I need to add my unborn baby to my health insurance before I deliver?

I'm not due until May 19 but I read in a book that if you choose to add your unborn child to your health insurance, you can. But no one can tell me for sure if I need too. Open enrollment for my insurance isn't until September of next year, after my baby is born. What do I need to do?""

What is a good health insurance for the self-employed?

I own a real estate investing business and I want to get health insurance for me and my family. Do you know of any good insur. companies for the self-employed?

""My friend does not have auto insurance, can he drive other people car?""

my friend want to drive someone's else car, which the car owner does have insurance to cover 3rd party driver. However he does not have auto insurance himself. If there is an accident, will his license be suspended? Will he be responsible for anything else during the accident? Thanks""

Health insurance after i drop out?

hello everyone i am a 17 year old male who chose to drop out of school after getting clean from drugs. now that i am dropped out and sober i am very happy but there seems to be an issue. in january, january 28th to be exact i will be 18 and my mother insists that unless im in school i cannot be covered under health insurance anymore. so my question to you all is, is this true? is there a way i can be covered under her health insurance even after dropping out? if no what other affordable options are there for me pertaining to health insurance? i know of cobra but 500$ a month is a little absurd. so any information would be much appreciated thank you so much!""

Where can I get consultation for health insurance?

I have been having a lot of insurance problems after about a year ago I went to a PCP for chest pain. They charged me for a general check up ($100) and referred me to 3 places, a hospital for an ultrasound (hospital bill $3500, doctor bill $750), a place for x-rays ($75), and a thoracic surgeon consult. The surgeons office was the only one to warn me that my insurance would not pay for their consult. My insurance, UnitedHealthcare, has only put in about $2000 towards the ultrasound and I am left with a lot of bills that I had no idea I would have until months after these was all done. Now I feel very frustrated and I do not feel like I can trust any insurance company to help me. I was wondering if there are businesses that can help me get the best insurance for me and explain how much everything will cost as I do it. I find it way too confusing to figure out on my own. I have a thoracic disorder which I was born with and I may need surgery. I have had health insurance under my parents until 23, then I got this insurance with UnitedHealth care when I turned 24.""

So can I lie about my grades to the car insurance company?

So im 17 and getting my license in a couple of days. Apparently i need car insurance to drive by myself. Seeing as how my parentals want to pay less, they want as much discounts as possible (who doesnt?). So i kinda have like a 2.5 GPA and you need a 3.0 for the discount. So, im thinking i can get a report card, scan it and change the grades. When i do that, i just give it to whatever insurance company and they'll give me the discount. Sounds fool proof. Now, is it? Can the insurance company find out my real grades? i doubt they actually look. So can someone fill me in?""

""Closing on a house, need the title insurance?""

So far this home buying process has been hell, and I am ready to close this month rather than next month... But our broker said, to close by the end of July, it depends on when they recieve the title insurance... Everything is done on our end, basically we are just waiting on the sellers to do their part... Could it really take longer than a month to get the title insurance? And, what is title insurance? Thanks in advance""

Pay as you go car insurance in UK?

Hi My Insurance will be expire in feb 2013, In june 2013 iam going in a holiday for long term, so i need car insurance only for 4-5 months, is there any kind of pay as you go car insurance,,,,i got 2 years of experience as a driver, so how much will they charge for 1 month.? thank u""

The average price of car insurance for VA drivers?

I'm planning on getting my license very soon. I've been planning ahead by saving up car money and figuring out what type of car I want. However, my dad often mentions how insurance is gonna bite you in the ***. so I would like to know what the average price of car insurance is for young or new Virginia drivers. please and thank you. (I've heard rumors that sometimes it helps if you have a beige or gray car. true?)""

Car insurance involving my best friend?

recently my dad got me a car, the car's in my name, the car insurance is in my name and everything to do with the car is in my name but my dad's on the insurance as an additional driver which on my insurance additional drivers are free on my insurance, does that mean I would be able to add my best friend to the insurance enabling her to drive my car and my dad to teach her aswell under my insurance?""

How much would u predict the insurance on a 98' eclipse with turbo cost?

i'm looking to buy this car. keep in mind that i'm also 17 years old...and i'm a male...althought i passed drivers ed with an A and i've been driving for almost 4 months with a license..accident free..i need help trying to convince my parents to let me buy this car

Does anyone know some cheap insurance companies for drivers who just passed?

UK only please :)xx

Who cannot receive health insurance in NJ?

can a college summer event receive health insurance?

Buying used car. What do I do for insurance?

I'm buying a new car today and I was wondering if I could drive it home (~2miles) without insurance. If not, what do I do? Thanks""

Mobile Insurance?

I have a nokia n95 on vodsphone it suddenly started playing up sending messages and makeing phone calls by its self,i have only had it a month if i took it to a vodaphone shop would they fix it??? I have no insurance""

Can you get life insurance if your already sick?

I have life insurance, and my children have the gerber grow up plan, but my husband doesn't have any and now he's sick. He's 21 - in case his age matters - he was tested for lymphoblastic leukemia last night - but no results yet. Probably because it's Saturday. If he ends up having this, can he still be approved by life insurance?""

Emergency Roadside Assistance(ERA) in my auto insurance policy vs. or do I get AAA?

I was speaking with AAA about auto insurance and she advised me not to get ERA but to buy a AAA membership. Granted, I have to consider the fact that works for AAA, but she said that ERA is bad because if you use it, it counts as a claim and could affect your renewal price or if you switch providers they may use that to charge you more $. ERA costs me about $35/year and AAA is about $65 (although you did get more ). Any thoughts? Is here claim claim something valid? Thanks!""

Will my car insurance premium increase for passing a red light in NY?

This is my first moving violation, it originally was failure to stop for a school bus but it got reduced to passing a red light and is now only 3 points. I have a clean record otherwise and my auto insurance is under my mothers name, I am just a secondary driver under her quote. Will my insurance premium go up and if so will it be much? Is there anything that I can do to lower it if it does go up?""

Young mens experiences of high insurance premiums?

Im a 18year old male that has a full Uk driving license but I don't have a car because of my insurance being quoted at 2500. Just wondered if any else had similar experiences and is it any wonder lots of young men go around without insurance.

Will my insurance rates go up for a traffic ticket?

I have a restricted license and i got a ticket going 38 in a 25mph school zone. The cop reduced it to 34 and it is $80.00. Im almost 16 and i have state farm. Will my rates go up. Should i just go to the office and pay it. I have no defense i know i was speeding. WIll my parents find out?

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Car Insurance Problem!?

Hey all heres my problem. I go in the navy in 4 weeks and my car insurance does'nt run out until april 2009. While im at base i wont be using my car until maybe feb 2009. Is there anyway i can cancel due to the fact that i wont be using my car. I don't want to be paying 121 a month when im not using my car at all for a while. Much help appreciated, mark!""

Health Insurance costs?

According to the National Coalition on Health Care, The average cost for employer based health insurance for a single person is $4,700.00 or $391.66 per month. A family of four costs $12,700.00 per year or $1,058.33 per month. Now to put that into perspective, you can lease a Mercedes Benz SLK 300 ( thats the sporty two seater ) for around $883.07 per month. Question is, does this sound like a fair deal?""

Why is my car insurance quote 1700 more if women and men are meant to have the same premium?

After an EU court of justice ruling I believe that male and female insurance is supposed to be the same? I have a quote as a male at 2800 whilst 1100 as a female? these were found on a comparison site. Why is this allowed and what can I do about it? thanks!

Who has the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

This is going to sound crazy but try to stay with me here. I'm 17 about to be 18 and I live in Michigan. I'm going to be going to college in Lima, Ohio and will be driving back to michigan every couple of weeks. I have a truck that sucks gas so I am going to buy a bike. Either an 98'-05' Yamaha YZF R6 or R1 I haven't decided yet. I was wondering who has the cheapest insurance for what I'm doing with the bike. Basically driving it long distance and to class every so often. It will be stored in my apartment down there whenever I'm not driving it. Can anyone help me out. I know I'm a little young for any kind of cheap insurance but maybe there is a company out there that gives breaks to college students? Well anyway the main question is : From your experiences which company has the cheapest motorcycle insurance?""

How to deal with car accident with no insurance?

FYI: this falls under New Mexico laws I drove a small 2 door honda civic and was on my way to school. There was alot of traffic being it was around lunch time and i was approaching an intersection when this dodge durango came out of nowhere and tried to cross in front of me. (I had the green light) I tried to brake and swerve but my driver side front end hit her passenger front end. I didnt have insurance at the time of the accident and she came and said it was completely her fault and that she went because the other drivers were waving her to go ahead and go. She was 19 with no DL so ended up getting 2 tickets. I, on the other hand,didnt get any tickets and took an ambulance to the E.R. being i was having bad chest pain so my husband emptied the car because it was pretty much totalled. So, since ive never been in an accident before, what steps can i take to make sure she pays for this? I have a disabled husband, a 6 year old child, and now without a car with injuries i cant afford to have right now.""

Do I need car insurance to drive?

So I'm sixteen and use to think as long as the car had insurance I was okay. I have my license and sometimes I drive my moms car in case it was required since my mom really needs someone in the family to drive. Recently I was told I needed to be added to her list but my mom says since I have medical insurance it's okay? oO That I just need some sort of insurance in order to pay.. not necessarily car insurance. So if I get pulled over and police ask for my license [which I have] and registration [which I also have] would I get arrested and have my license suspended?

Car Insurance Coverage and a DUI Question?

My daughter received a DUI a while back, as she put the car in 'Drive' (instead of 'Reverse') and drove through the side of a restaurant. (closed, thank God!...No people there) She refused the Breathalyzer, and was taken to the ER for about 7 hours. She was given a DUI. This car was titled, registered and insured by me- I am her mother. She is over 30 years old. The insurance has covered to fix the car, but the restaurant has retained an attorney. (I live in SC and have $100,000 property damage on the car) Yesterday, my insurance adjustor called to ask for a release of my daughter's medical records, so they could meet with the restaurant's attorneys and show that she was not drunk. Well, she was drunk, and my daughter's attorney has told me not to release that information, as it is a violation of her rights- she already refused the breathalyzer, etc.Also, she WAS drunk, and this would only release that information possibly to others. Please no rude comments about all of this- I get it! Question: Can my insurance company refuse to pay for my daughter's ER bill ($13,000) AND the property damage, AND whatever else- due to the fact that they are going to decide she was 'drunk.' ??? Is there any way to protect my assets? Specifics would be great, if you know them. Thanks.""

Reduce motorcycle insurance?

would it be feasable to buy a moped (100ccish) & insure it for a couple of years just to get some no claim bonus!! then in a year or 2 buy a proper bike ( 650ccish) & hopefully the insurance will be cheaper. i used to have bike in my youth when i passed my test but as i havent ridden 1 for a while its difficult to get insurance ( reasonable cost any way ) thanks

Recommended Car Insurance Coverage?

I'm 18 years old and have to buy car insurance for the firsr time on my one. I don't know what level of insurance to get... what's the recommended car insurance coverage amounts?

Vehicles with lowest insurance rates?

I live in Ontario Canada. I'm needing a car for work now. I have three tickets about two years ago; two running red light tickets and one for driving ten over the limit. I'm looking for a car that is good on gas and easier on the wallet for insurance. Thanks

Cheapest Car Insurance in California?

I just moved to Los Angeles and I'm wondering what is the cheapest car insurance company in general? Thanks in advance!

How do I find out my cars auto insurance points rating system?

Insurance companys give cars a rating number to determine if one type of car pays more insurance then the other. Where can I find out what the number of my car would be?

Need advice for car accident with allstate insurance?

My boyfriend got into an accident 2 weeks ago. Basically it was a 5-car pileup. The two cars in front of my boyfriend left the scene because they had no damage. The lady (Lexus driver and Allstate insurance carrier) who actually hit a Toyota Corolla (Traveler's Insurance carrier), which in turn hit my boyfriend's Ford Escort is not returning phone calls and did not give a statement to Allstate. She did give a statement to the Corolla's insurance company but basically claimed that the Corolla hit the Escort then hit her Lexus, which makes no sense because the Corolla didn't back up! He got estimates on his bumper from the Allstate and Travelers insurance companies which came back between $1100-$1600. He just wants to do a cash in lieu and get it fixed by a friend of his. Is it possible for him to just go after the Corolla's insurance company or does he have to continue to wait for the Allstate's policy holder to respond back to Allstate?!""

What is the estimate car insurance cost for me?

Hello~ I'm a 16 year old female who is looking into cars and insurance. I've made a deal with my parents, so I believe that I am getting a 2013 Kia Rio. My question is...What is a rough estimate for the insurance cost that my parents will have to pay?  16 years old  Female  2013 Kia Rio  I have a 3.5 - 3.8 ish GPA (Can't remember exactly)  If I have to, I'll probably take a drivers ed class (Although I'd love to avoid that)  I believe my family is with State Farm  We live in Gilbert AZ Thank you in advance! <3""

Can someone please explain how health insurance works to me?

Ok, I realize this question shows how ignorant I am about the real world, so I'm embarrassed but I have to be honest: I have no idea how health insurance works other than that it covers certain medical expenses! I'm just getting out of college so I am not used to having to deal with this. I know you pay a monthly fee, but what is a deductible? How does this work? For example, say a company charges $50/month with a $2,500 deductible fee...when would I have to pay the $2,500, if ever? I need the most affordable health insurance possible... I am really struggling with money at the moment. I am a U.S. citizen with a very very good health record. 22 yrs old and non-smoker. I plan to travel to Canada (Montral) and live there for about 6 months after I graduate. If I get health insurance in the U.S., will this cover me in Canada as well? Thank you for any info, it will really help me out a lot!""

What will Insurance company do?

My brother got hit by someone while driving. He and this other person exchanged information and the other person agreed to write him a check, but never followed through. He isnt sure if the person who hit him had insurance, but has a feeling they didnt. He reported the claim to his insurance company, but decided to sue(small claims) the person who hit him on his own for the deductible. When he arrived to court he found out the person who hit him filed a counter-claim for damages done to their car, but they are the ones who hit him! Can he get the insurance company to give him a release letter to sue on their behalf or will they take over? I dont know what to tell him or how to help him. Help please!!!""

Does anyone know where I can find auto insurance to cover car parts?

I need new tires and brakes, and rather than paying for them I want to get insurance so all I'll have to pay is the deductible. Please help. Thanks.""

Health insurance for 18 year olds?

im 17 turning 18 in may and im wanting to know what are some affordable or good health insurance for an 18 year old

Domino's Pizza Delivery Driver- do you need commercial insurance?

I have an interview today for a job at Domino's Pizza to be a delivery driver. My only concern about it is right now I have personal insurance. If I were to get in an accident while delivering a pizza for domino's, would I still be covered? I'd like to hear from actual insurance reps or people who have had experience with this.""

Insurance for teenage mustang driver?

Ive made enough money from my jobs. I have enough to buy a newer mustang (definitely not the newest one but over the 2005 brand) with help from my parents and grandparents. They are all throwing in 2000 dollars for me. But anyways, some backround information, I'm a teenage girl, have taken the driving defensive class, drivers ed, and also get higher than a 3.0 grade average. Would insurance be very high still?""

Should I cancel my car insurance to save my money?

Currently, I'm living in WA, I have a car in TX. But my family member in TX driving it, and there names are under insure by my car insurance. If I want to save money on my car's insurance. I need to ask my insurance remove my name out of car insurance; is that right? or there is no difference between keep my name on car insurance and remove my name out of car's insurance? Thanks""

""If I ride my friends motorcycle, do I need insurance?""

I have my license, and will be getting my own bike at some point, but for now, if I drive my friends motorcycle around, do I need insurance for it? Or does his cover me?""

Got rear ended my rates will go up?

Tonight I was sitting at a red light when I heard breaks screeching and before I had time to see where it was coming from I was rear ended by a tow truck. I just got my car yesterday a honda passport, the only thing that saved my car from severe damage was the spare tire on the bottom of my car by the bumper. The damage is not too bad the bumber has been pushed to the side and there is a gap along with some gouges on the bumper. The cop did not give police report to me as he said I would not need it in the state of florida for a claim but he warned me that my insurance premiums could possibly go up if i file a claim. I have full coverage insurance, Why would my premium go up?? When I called my insurance company they said to wait for the claims department to contact me. I was rear ended 4 years ago and I got a lawyer only because the damage and injuries were bad, This is not even close to being as severe as far as damage and injuries go. I only have a slight head ache and some moments of intense pain in my neck and upper back. Should I consider a lawyer?""

I have a question about a car wreck and insurance?

I got rear-ended the other day and it's the first time I've ever been in an accident. I got an estimate and it was $1800 dollars. I paid $800 for the car! I have heard of people using the money for other things, I was wondering can I just keep the money and sell the car and maybe buy a new one, or do I have to have it fixed at the place I got the estimate at? I'm also wondering if there is anything I should look out for as far as crafty insurance people? He's coming to inspect the car tomorrow. Thanks for your reply.....""

Why is it important that all Americans have health insurance?

Currently, health care in America takes care of everyone, regardless of whether or not one has health insurance. By requiring all Americans to have health insurance, will this make our health care system better than it is now?""

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

Rolla Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67954

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