#sorry about that last part by the way. it’s incredibly disorganized

[anderscim]

✦ another (even wilder) theory with bagel

similar to my teruko theory, this one also has a lot of room for rebuttal. to be honest, a lot of the evidence i have for this is quite flimsy (_ _;)

this theory is mainly about mai akasaki’s connection to the cast, and how it relates to the killing game in general.

take this with a grain of salt as always

//spoilers for up to chapter 2 part 1 of drdt

//additional spoilers for bonus content, such as the bonus episodes and the new “literature girl insane” MV

there shouldn’t be any tally5 spoilers if i’m not wrong ( ・∇・)

here’s one question i have for you all: how many members in the cast, right now, actually know mai akasaki?

it’s definitely implied in the bonus episodes and the quotes on her character page that she’s connected with everyone in the current cast, but there was a paradox i noticed—if it even is one, that is (-.-;)—that led me to think that this question…may actually be a lot more complicated than it seems.

let’s bring up the bonus episodes first. min’s bonus episode is definitely during their time at hope’s peak. they’re literally at the school, studying about it, discussing min’s “role” as an ultimate compared to the other students, etc. basically, many details point to min and “unnamed classmate” (who is presumably mai, based on the flowers in the dialogue box of the bonus episodes matching up with those on mai’s tattoo) being students of hope’s peak academy in the united states. though there’s no physical evidence or exact basis for this, i would personally like to think that xander’s bonus episode is placed during spring break at the academy. he is talking to his “classmate,” after all—and in that case, it would also chronologically line up with min’s (whose bonus episode takes place a week before spring break).

presumably, the other bonus episodes will follow a similar pattern, and we will see mai/UC talking to other members of the DRDT cast to get to know them more. i will assume this means that the whole cast, not just min and xander, have been to hope’s peak before—and attended class as students there. after all, it would be the only way the bonus episodes would make sense.

however, the dialogue from the first few episodes of the series suggests something else.

as implied from the dialogue, all of the students believe they are only entering the entrance ceremony of hope’s peak as freshmen, and had no previous affiliation with the school. including xander.

obviously, this means that at the very least, their memories have been tampered with to remove anything regarding their experience at hope’s peak academy.

— sorry, very quick side tangent (*'▽'*) going by this theory, if the drdt cast genuinely went to hope’s peak, it’s very likely that they had to do a bunch of paperwork and submit a lot of information for their enrollment—which probably includes medical information and any accommodations that were necessary for their well-being. additionally, if we assume that the cast attended hope’s peak for a year or a few years, it’s likely that whoever the mastermind is, they had the time to know the rest of their classmates well enough to be able to identify their preferences either way, this would actually be a pretty strong explanation as to why many components of their environment seem to be extremely fine-tuned to their preferences and necessities, despite no recollection of sharing that information with anyone involved in the killing game. though i bet this was already obvious, i felt like it was something i probably should bring up.

—

in that case, however—how would it affect their memories with mai?

as i can’t exactly speculate for the other students, i’m going to trace back to what i know. at the very least, it seems to be implied that min only met mai after being admitted into hope’s peak academy. min essentially drove her entire life around schoolwork, and studying for the “ultimate contest for eminent students,” the test that allowed min to receive her title—it’s likely that before then, she never surrounded herself with friends nor had any time for herself to explore her own hobbies. which probably means that she wasn’t acquainted with mai before enrolling into hope’s peak.

her backstory is really sad, by the way. i really wish she lived longer ( ´△｀)

as for when it comes to the other characters, i would like to remind you that hope’s peak scouts across the country for their students—so it’s more logical to assume that many of them resided in hometowns that were very far away from each other. so unless mai’s talent was the ultimate traveler or something, i think it would be very improbable for her to know everyone in the cast before their admittance into hope’s peak.

taking this into account, and assuming that the cast’s memories of hope’s peak were completely erased, there’s a possibility that the cast doesn’t remember mai akasaki, despite her connections with them. the only exception would be teruko, who clearly remembers mai—and seems to have been helped by her when enrolling into the academy in the first place, pointed out by this theory here by @laly-481.

…or at least, that’s what i thought at first—until someone decided to kick in the door while holding a new music video.

i guess in that case, the biggest question i should answer is this—why does david remember mai?

getting into very, very wild theory territory here. take what i’m about to say with a grain of salt assuming that the music video is really a reflection of david’s worldview and thought process, please ignore the fact that i’m acting like the antithesis of occam’s razor right now, then there’s no reason for mai akasaki to be featured in the video—much less have a photo of her placed in a wooden frame—if he didn’t remember her.

yet, there she is, on the right:

she even has a little description about how she was “someone dearly loved,” which fits perfectly with her character and the secret quotes on her profile page.

this is indicative of the fact that david remembers mai—and knows her well enough to even make an accurate statement about her. but, how?

obviously there’s the simpler explanation of “david knew mai before they went to hope’s peak,” which is of course a totally valid explanation—however, some details about the new music video made me consider a possible, different theory.

a grain of salt? more like, a mountain of salt from here on out

when i was watching the “literature girl insane” music video earlier, i noticed something interesting about this frame: 

here, xander doesn’t have his eyepatch. though i’m not throwing away the possibility that this was just a technical error on the artist’s side—personally, this could be a indication that david knew xander before the killing game. 

seeing as all of the cast are connected by the unnamed “classmate,” after all, it’s a likely possibility that the current participants of the killing game were originally in the same class at hope’s peak academy. which means, they all probably knew each other before this whole killing game went down. 

in an earlier theory, i talked about how xander may have been the person in the opening prologue cutscene, and how he probably had his eye injured at that time. given that the person speaking during that scene is aware of the killing game (and is expressing their desire to end it), this event likely happened right before the killing game started—otherwise, it would be pretty imprudent for the mastermind to announce it and then wait for an entire month to set up everything, then make everyone fall unconscious, then remove their memories, etc. 

what i’m trying to get here is that the cast, had they still retained their memories from hope’s peak, would definitely remember xander with both eyes. however, we know this to not be the case—from his introduction, we all see that xander had already lost his right eye from the beginning of the killing game. therefore, for david to remember xander from before he got his eye injury, he must’ve had at least some partial memory of hope’s peak—otherwise, it would be highly unlikely. this would give a possible explanation as to why the frame of xander without his eyepatch appears in the “literature girl insane” music video. and maybe give a possible explanation as to why david cared about xander despite only knowing him for ~three days. and defended him passionately during the first trial even after a lot of evidence pointed to him attacking teruko.

this also would explain why david remembers mai—assuming they were in the same class, since mai likely had incredibly close connections with the cast (including david), it’s more than likely that david cared about mai and possibly (vaguely) remembered her even after having his memories tampered with.

well, the “no-eyepatch” deduction completely hinges on the assumption that xander didn’t like, take off his eyepatch in front of david like he did with teruko, so i may be completely wrong about this. however, it is interesting that such a small detail was included in the mv.

so is this one:

i don’t know how it is for you guys, but that fork seems suspiciously similar to the fork in the prologue (which i theorized to be the item that caused the injury to xander’s right eye). additionally, the fork literally stabbing the “face” of the clock is… quite symbolic. it may be just me. i’m not sure. (-_-;) though, it could suggest that david remembers that scene—and perhaps knows about the “possible escape” of killing teruko? i highly doubt he was the one who wrote the note (rather i think that was xander himself), but it may account for that 2nd vote for teruko in the first trial.

my personal (unhinged) theory (with really no way to back it up) is that david may have retained partial memories of his experience at hope’s peak—but probably only a little, definitely not all of them. this may explain why he remembers mai and seems to recall xander before his eye injury (despite xander seemingly not remembering that they’ve met before)—but hasn’t called out the true mastermind nor seems to remember an escape yet. also, though his current behavior in the 2nd trial may imply that he’s trying to end the killing game early via wrong vote, i personally think he’s just breaking down and acting suicidal without that objective in mind, based on his actions.

little side note at the end: it would be absolutely amazing (and ironic) if the two people with the most distant character relationships with the rest of the cast (as of now) happened to remember the single person that had the closest relationships to all of them.

minor clarification/add-on: i just realized that i never said this, really sorry about that. m(_ _)m but basically, i don’t think david has any sort of clear memories regarding xander and mai at hope’s peak—rather, when i say “partial memories” i meant more along the lines of “vague nostalgia you can’t quite place.” he might somewhat recognize their faces at most, but likely not any clear sequences of events. and honestly, what i wanted to talk about more in regards to this theory is more about the fact that only teruko (and maybe david) remember mai in the first place—the rest of the cast probably can’t, with the way their memories were wiped.

uh, this was quite the ride. i truly felt like the antithesis of occam’s razor as i was writing this

however—this theory likely has a lot of points that can be argued against, as well as many other possibilities i didn’t consider. please, don’t be afraid to drop them in your reblogs or comments, i would love to read them!

and as always, take this with a (larger than usual) grain of salt

[ssreeder]

HI HELLO!! I JUST FINISHED “Into the Fire” A COUPLE DAYS AGO!!

I would say my thoughts about it but I have too many thoughts but I also don’t wanna fill your asks with 20 million anons so,

after I finished it I decided to re-read from LIAB and bro…

That shit broke me.

The way you perfectly constructed sokka’s arc, like I swear everything was intentional

He literally went from “it took years for him to get comfortable killing” to “he was always so good with people, that’s was before he started killing them” and from “if he felt a way about something he would most definitely share it” to literally hiding everything that happened to him from people he trusts. Wow.

Once again, absolutely amazed by your incredible writing skills, like actually impeccable.

Enough of me being philosophical,

YOU GAVE BATO A BF!!! HE CAN FINALLY GET OVER HIS HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH!!! AND JEE GETS TO BE HAPPY!!! AAAAHHH!! I’m so happy for them (ik they aren’t even an item yet but still, super happy for them)

Hooray for Ara!! She got her closure, and now she can start a new, healthier, happier lifestyle. Congratulations to my favorite violent dog!! May she get what she deserves (ominous)

But the way she just.. told Katara about zukka being together?? Like, no hesitation.

“Whoops, thought you were banging my brother. Sorry lol.”

“No lmao it’s okay. Zuko’s deff banging him though”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah lol. Toodles!!”

And then she just- LEAVES?? honestly mood though.

i liked how sweet and genuine she sounded when explaining zukka’s love story though, that was so good of her, she didn’t even talk them down or anything. It was actually so nice.

Can’t wait to see what you do for Jet, really really hope my little street rat gets better. on agni we gonna get you some will to live!!

So many exciting things happening I can’t wait!!

-suki closure!!

-TOPH AND SOKKA BONDING!!!

-IROH AND SOKKA’S TEA TALK!!!!!

literally have said this a million times but actually super scared for sokka for the last bit (zhao tea talks usually didn’t go well)

But I also feel like ur gonna make that an iroh pov… (I’m an empath) so I’ll stay tuned!!

Yue and La bless my favorite water tribe man Hakoda! He loves his kids so much I hope nothing bad happens to them (this is gonna be foreshadowing isn’t it?)

But anyways!!

I wanted to finally tell you about music!!

It’s gonna be a lot of mitski cus she’s one of my main artists I listen to but still,

I thought about “once more to see you” by mitski A LOT throughout RIA and a little bit now through ITF, it fits this part of the story perfectly (in my opinion). It’s literally just zukka through sokka’s pov.

Another one is “Christmas Kids” by ROAR, this one is more for LIAB, and a little bit of RIA, (can you tell I make the edits in my head?) But this time the choruses/verses change pov or can just be seen as multiple characters.

“First Love/Late Spring” by mitski fits zukka through zuko’s pov

And “I bet on loosing dogs” by mitski is Ara with zhao/shen

Now this one is very specific:

“Vampire Empire” by Big Thief

The first verse to the first chorus is LIAB-RIA kataang through aang’s thoughts about katara,

the second verse to the second chorus is zukka LIAB-RIA (and now more recently the current ITF situation) told as per sokka’s pov

And the third verse to the final chorus is how Ara feels about zhao. Like their entire history.

Okay that’s it sorry for bombarding you with my random ass disorganized ask 😭 I’ve been yapping too much, I know, I sound like Reho. Sorry if I said anything disrespectful!!

Anyway!! Can’t wait for the next update!! STAY SUPER DUPER AMAZING SSREEDER!!!

HI ANON WHO I ADORE & LOVE SO MUCH I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING 10000 YEARS TO ANSWER THIS. (In my defense it’s a perfect 10/10 ask and I couldnt let it go right away<3)

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOO happy you enjoyed sokkas arc because damn, I really dismantled him throughout the series and the way you highlighted some of the details about sokka pre prison and how he did a drastic 180 is *CHEFS KISS* yeahhhhhh it was a long process but I’m glad you noticed the intentional dedication I had to ruining our boy sokka <3 (i know I know he’s not ruined but he’s not in a great spot mentally but he’s getting better but hell regress and progress and regress and yeah sokkas just not the same I mean but we will love him and he’s still our SOKKA)

JEE DID GET HIMSELF A BOY FRAND… He is smitten with our boy Bato it’s cute.

Ara is hilarious that’s all I gotta say about her haha.

JET!!!!! I love him!!! He’s not the besttttt influence on Suki but FUCK IT JET IS AWESOME (don’t expect any life changing shit from him but I’m excited that he’ll stay a part of the story) sorry Jet haters he’s staying in LIAB till death does us part of the story ends haha.

oh shit you sent this ask before the last chapter was dropped so now you know ITS AN IROH AND ZUKO TEA TALK (& let me tell you HAAAAA… they’re wonderful in a room together haha)

I was trying to listen to all your songs before I answered your ask but I couldn’t get through all of them, but I will!! I love that you are so passionate about music and the scenes and characters I feel the same way and that’s why I always try to give you songs I’m vibing with lol.

THANK YOU AGAIN ANON AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DONT BE SHY COME BACK ANY TIME I LOVE YOUR ASK!!!!

[marshmallowprotection]

Hi Kait! Can I have a Match-Up? I love your way of writing, and I would love to know which character you think would suit me better (romantically). And I'm sorry in advance because this is very, very long, so I'll do it in parts, haha ^^'

I'm a 18 y/o female, ISTJ, 9w1, demiromantic atracted for men and sex repulsed ace. I'm a computer engineering student, but I'm also a certified nursing and pharmacy assistant because, well, I was given the opportunity and trying other fields is always interesting.

If we talk about socializing, I can be a bit... complicated. Crowds, meeting and talking to new people exhaust me and generate anxiety, always with this pit in my stomach, fearing to say or do something wrong. If it's not strictly necessary, I would never approach a stranger unless they speak to me first. And despite all of that, I've managed to be on good terms and even joke around with my classmates, and to earn both their trust and our teachers' trust, being the class representative for these two years.

I still feel stupidly nervous around them, but I do something right since both my classmates and teachers have the idea that I am "efficient" and "responsible", even though I am incredibly disorganized and forgetful, procrastinating instead of doing my homework and study for tests until the last minute.

What is certain is that I am quite helpful, I am always willing to help, guide and collaborate with others in whatever way possible, and I consult the opinion of my colleagues, looking for the solution that best satisfies all of us when it comes to make a decision for the class. I am also the type of person who greets, offers and returns smiles, apologizes and thanks everyone, even though inside I feel horrible, because courtesy is something that was instilled in me from a very young age and it is already natural. However, I know and make my limits clear, because just as I don't like to take advantage of others, I don't allow others to take advantage of me; trying that is one of the few ways my patience can be exhausted, along with certain noises that affect me because of my misophonia.

Although I can be productive if I put my mind to it, my mind tends to wander and I get frustrated with myself because of it. My head is almost always in the clouds, I have tripped over my own feet more times than I can count and once I couldn't even find my glasses even though I already had them on, what a case huh?

— (1/3)

Although socializing makes me anxious, my friends are the exception. I don't have many, but the ones I do have I value with all my heart and would definitely fight for them; With my friends I talk about everything and nothing, about topics like the new series that premiered, our favorite artists, how our day was, and also our personal problems, exchanging advice or just being there and listening. I tend to be more of a listener than a speaker, I really enjoy hearing what others have to say, going silent and nodding to let them know I'm paying attention, and giving my opinion at the end if they want to. Sometimes, however, I get carried away and go on at length about my thoughts and tastes, which makes me feel a little embarrassed and leaves me afraid that I "spoke too much," even though my friends always assure me that it's not like that.

What I love most about talking with my friends is debating, expressing our views on different topics and the reasoning behind them. We don't always agree, but that's okay, it's even more fun that way! I always try to keep my mind open and even if I'm not convinced by what has been said, I respect other people's opinions.

Something I don't love is cooking, I mean, I can do it, but I'm not a fan of it. I'm also not really into adrenaline rush, "wacky" activities or activities that involve crowds, and I don't drink or smoke. I can tolerate the cigarette smell as long as it's not very concentrated, but alcohol... No. Drunk people make me upset, uncomfortable and very nervous, and I try to avoid them at all costs because of family issues. I am a homebody who enjoys and is satisfied with watching a movie, series or even cartoons, listening to music, playing video games or board games, talking to or simply existing in the same room with my partner, even with both of us doing different things. I'm open to trying my partner's hobbies as long as it doesn't involve anything I've already mentioned that I dislike (except maybe cooking, if it's with a partner, it can be funny).

Also, nature seems beautiful to me, and a walk in the fresh air while we talk, or having a picnic, or sitting and counting stars or looking for shapes in the clouds, all seem lovely to me. I also like animals, and whether it's a dog, a cat or a bird, having a pet sure brightens up the daily routine.

— (2/3)

My affections are spontaneous, I could hug my partner from behind, tell him I love him and kiss his cheek, or take his hand and kiss his knuckles, or run my fingers through his hair, or pat his head, or fix his clothes or... Anything I feels like doing when I passing by, and then continue on my way. Although I would make sure to respect their limits, since I have mine too, like my slight dislike for kissing on the lips, because I can have one or two but too many disgust me. I am also one to make and follow silly jokes, with a sarcastic and sometimes black humor, and I love to tease my loved ones.

I have a bad temper, and I am so aware of it that I distance myself from others in order not to hurt them, because when angry I tend to speak and act derogatory. I never mean to hurt anyone, but when I do, I own up to my mistake, apologize for it, and do my best to correct my behavior. I warn those close to me in advance of my bad mood, to avoid conflict as much as possible.

For me, the most important thing in a relationship is honesty, followed by communication. My friends have told me I'm so honest it hurts, that's something I'm also aware of, but I'm adamant that even an ugly truth is better than a white lie. I always give them the truth so I hope they give it back to me, because even if it hurts, it's better if they lie to me. I am also usually the first person to try to clear up misunderstandings, approaching and offering a talk, because I think that as long as something can be talked about it can be solved, although I think that it is best to take some time to calm down and be able to talk properly.

That's all! Thank for your time a have a good day/afternoon/night! :)

PS: I sent the first message anonymously, but the second one didn't, so sending this one how anonymously doesn't make sense. Sorry about that, haha

— (3/3)

I match you with...

Jumin!

To put it simply, you're the kind of person that understands what you like and how you like it. That can be difficult to find in this world because sometimes you don't know what you like until you really put yourself out there. You value communication and being able to talk to somebody. You don't want to be lost in translation. You want somebody who looks at you and understands how to talk to you without even trying. Of course, it's never as simple as that. It's never that easy. It's something you have to work on with your partner. That being said, the person who relates most to you in this situation is Jumin Han. He is the one person in the world who would be able to understand what it means to value a conversation like fine wine.

When it comes to love language he is the one person who would be able to keep up with you in terms of talking about anything and everything. Talking really is his love language. Sure, there are a lot of other things wrapped up in there, but what matters more to him is the ability to be able to experience the warmth of a long conversation with somebody. That's truly all he's ever wanted out of romance and life. He wants somebody who can sit next to him and talk about whatever. It doesn't matter what it is.

All in all, you can have a great relationship with him because you both seem to fit like puzzle pieces. He never has to worry when it comes to what you mean. You never have to worry about what he's feeling. It's something that two of you have come to understand about one another. Sure, it was a little messy in the start, but what is it messy? But now you have each other and long conversations in front of the fireplace.

[h0tchner]

Something More (Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader)

pairing: aaron hotchner x fem!reader

summary: Written as a request for the loml, Abby! (@heliotropehotch!) "Could I have a hotch x reader request thats got a love confession- maybe a hurt comfort scene where the reader is maybe torn up about something like self deprecation or some cop makes an off-handed compliment and he cups her cheeks and wipes the tears away? Pretty please 🥺"

word count: 3.2k

includes: love confessions! hurt/comfort, protective!hotch, mutual pining!!!, kissing, a little teaser of sexytimes, work tension, BAU!reader, crying and other emotions, rude af deputies, fluff soooo much fluff

rating: 18+ (cursing, crude nicknames, suggestive sexual mentions, and brief explicit sexual content at the very end)

a/n: HELLO BESTIES! I hope you love this one! If you want a smutty part two, let me know. PLS (!!!!!) interact if you liked this fic; rb, comment, like and/or send me a request if you have ideas for future fics! i love y’all! - rivka💞

some pals tags: @arsonhotchner @laurensprentiss @mrsh0tchner @ssahotchie

“It’s time to give the profile,” Hotch announces.

Six words. One sentence. Zero hesitation.

“Go and gather everybody in the bullpen,” he directs Spencer, who nods and quietly exits the conference room to collect your team and the rest of the Sherrif’s department of this small, Wisconsin town.

You stand on the opposite side of the table from your boss, looking at him expectantly. Hotch meets your gaze. His tongue darts out from between his lips as he glares at you from beneath thick lashes. You wait for your instructions, but the instructions don’t come. Rather, you both stand there in a staring contest, unmoving.

You can’t help but feel bare under his scrutiny, but this feeling is nothing new. Every time Hotch looks at you, it feels as if every fibre of your being is on fire. It’s been this way since the very first day you started with the BAU, and, over time, the flame has only burned brighter.

You and Hotch have grown close over the two years you’ve been with the team: closer than he’s been with any of his other agents, even Rossi. It all started with one long night spent together in his office, sharing cold Chinese food, scribbling away at mountains of paperwork. It was then, sitting across the desk from him, laughing at his incredulous reaction when he dropped some Lo Mein on an After-Action Report, that you knew: you were in deep. From then on, your Chinese food office “dates” became a regular occurrence. And then, those regular occurrences transformed into other regular occurrences; to name a few: rides on the jet, side by side, sharing soft glances and tired smiles after hard cases… holding hands to comfort each other when emotionally vulnerable… and even bringing you your favourite coffee on mornings that you’ve needed an extra boost. All these little moments of kindness and care are what made you fall in love with him. You would cross the line from coworkers to more in a heartbeat if you knew for certain that he felt the same way about you. But you refuse to take a risk on losing what you currently have with Hotch for the chance at something more.

The way that Hotch looks at you now, tall and commanding, feels very much like something more… it’s incredibly intimate. He’s effectively stripped away all the layers of protection you’ve built up to do your job with one pointed glance. What you don’t know is that he too feeling the same way, and is toeing a line between being your boss, being your friend, and being your “something more.”

Hotch breathes out hard through his nose. You watch as he swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he does. His jaw ticks. He shifts on his feet.

“I want you to sit this one out,” he says.

“Hotch?” You question, puzzled. Nothing about this day has prepared you for him to say that. You start racking your brain, trying to figure out why he would give you such a ridiculous order. Did you piss him off somehow? Did you play-flirt with Morgan too much in the car? Overlook an important lead? Did he not like the coffee you made him this morning?

Looking over at him, you swear he almost looks conflicted… but it doesn’t last.

“This is not up for debate. Do you understand me? You’re sitting this one out.” He repeats, steadfast.

“I don’t understand, what did I do wrong?” You ask more defensively this time, wishing he would give you more information. Something, anything besides the “SSA Aaron Hotchner” routine he was pulling on you now.

“I never said you did anything wrong.” Hotch moves forward a step, finally breaking eye contact, opting to gather files and loose papers into his arms.

“So, then what it is?” You cross your arms, stepping forwards as well, challenging him with your posture.

He doesn’t respond, nor does he look at you. Instead, he lumps more files into his arms before rounding the table, moving swiftly toward the door.

You have never, ever disobeyed one of his orders because his orders have always made sense… until now.

“Hotch,” you say sternly, your stubborn feet moving to stand between him and the exit before your logical brain can stop you.

He’s practically up against you, cornering you between his solid body and the old wooden door. His height dominates your shorter frame, and the heat coming off his body is positively criminal. Your heart flutters in your chest as he stares you down, calculating his next move.

“Out of my way, Agent Y/L/N.” He breathes out, tensing his jaw.

“Fine,” you stutter, “just tell me why and then I’ll let you go.” Your confidence wavers as you’re a little taken aback by his official use of your title and last name.

You’re hurt, confused… and he knows this. No matter how hard you’re putting on your tough-girl FBI face, Hotch can see right through it. He knows this order is unjustified, but he has his own reasons: reasons that he can’t get into. Not now.

Hotch lets his eyes dart to the side, past your head, not daring to look you in the eyes. He wills himself to be gentle.

“I can’t tell you, but I need you to trust me. Sit this one out.” He verbalizes, looking at you a little softer now. His face relaxes a little more into the Hotchner you’ve come to know: the one who calls his son every night to read a bedtime story, the one who grins every time you beat him in chess.

You two stand there a moment longer, your heart racing from the heat of the quarrel and your current proximity to your Unit Chief.

Hotch opens his mouth to say something else, but a knock on the door behind you stops him in his tracks. You step aside and he whips open the door; a very apologetic Spencer stands behind it.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Spencer says, clearing his throat awkwardly, “but everyone is ready in the bullpen.”

“Thank you,” Hotch nods, stepping forward to leave, but you grab a hold of his arm.

“Hotch,” you begin, not entirely sure what you want to say.

“Later,” he answers, finishing the unspoken thought.

With that, he’s out the door and you’re left alone with only stale coffee and a bunch of disorganized files to keep you company.

You close the door behind them with a sigh, letting yourself rest against it again, closing your eyes for a moment in defeat. Three days on this case. Three days of hard work, interviews, and research just to get benched in the end zone. You wish that you didn’t love Hotch, because maybe if you didn’t, it would be easier to disobey him. Opening your eyes again, you scan the quiet room. Then, something in front of you catches your eye and you get an idea.

On the table rests one of the precinct’s phones. It is all too easy to use the conference feature to listen in on one of the other phone lines: specifically, one in the bullpen.

You grin and rush over to the device, feeling a little bit sheepish for not listening to Hotch, but you push the buttons anyway, and bring the receiver up to your ear.

At first, all you hear is the shuffling of papers and muffled voices. You take a seat, leaning back in your chair like the cat who caught the canary. Several more moments pass of bureaucratic white noise, but then, someone speaks.

“Where’s the slutty one?” A male voice whispers.

“Oh, Agent Y/N? Probably on her knees somewhere waiting for her boss to come back.” A second male voice snickers back, matching the volume of the first.

You gasp, the phone slipping out of your hand, landing on the table with a loud thunk.

Scrambling, you grab it again, your other hand coming to rest over your open mouth.

“Don’t know why he wouldn’t let us use her as bait. This whole case could’ve been wrapped up and done by now if we just stuck her in a skimpy dress and shoved her out on the street.” One of them muses.

“Obviously because he’s sleeping with her.” The other mutters. “Agent Hotchner looked like he was going to take your head off when you asked him about it. Thought he was going to deck you for suggesting disguising her as a hooker to lure this guy out.”

“Yeah, he did. She looks like the victims, though. Bet she’s a whore like them too.”

“Deputies, we’re starting.” You hear a third voice pipe up. This time it’s one you recognize: it’s Hotch. “This is your final warning. I don’t want to hear another word out of you for the rest of the day. Not only is this wildly inappropriate, but it is insulting and vile. If I hear either of you speak about, look at, or interact with Agent Y/N, I will make sure you are both charged with harassment and fired from this department. Is that clear?”

With that, your eyes nearly pop out of your head. The deputies mumble something back, but you can’t hear over the sound of papers rustling.

Stunned, you set the phone back in its holder and force air into your lungs.

Waves of thoughts come crashing down on you. You have so many questions and so many answers and it’s all just… too much.

Suddenly, you know that you need to be anywhere but here.

You stand, shoving the chair aside and burst out of the conference room, fuming. You power-walk down the hall, and past the bullpen, focused on getting yourself outside and into the fresh air. Understandably, you don’t look up as you pass the profile briefing, so you don’t see Hotch’s brow furrow at the sight of you. You also don’t see him hand his papers to JJ, excuse himself, and race to follow you out the front door.

Once you’re outside in the parking lot, you look up at the cloudy, grey sky, and the tears start to fall. You feel guilty and angry; part of you wants to run away and cry, but the other part of you wants to walk straight up to those men and kick them straight in the dick. They not only called you vile names, but they also called the victims – those poor, dead women – the same. You sniffle, thinking about how Hotch stepped in and protected you, stood up for you.

Hotch… the thought of him makes you cry a little harder.

You start to pace around, kicking gravel as you went.

Were you that obvious? Was your crush so rampant that two low-level deputies in the middle of nowheresville picked up that easily on how you really felt about your boss?

“Fuck you two,” you curse under your breath to nobody as you choke back sobs. You kick a large piece of gravel as hard and as far as you can, but it doesn’t help.

“Are you okay?” A voice prods from behind you, gently, hesitantly, as if not to spook you. It’s a curt baritone, laced with concern. It’s Hotch.

“Hotch,” you breathe, turning to face him, furiously wiping tears away from your eyes.

“What happened?” He frowns, stepping closer to you, a comforting hand reaching forward to take yours.

Any other day you would grasp it contently, letting him console you. Today? All you can hear are the deputy’s comments. Sleeping with her. Whore. On her knees. You’re embarrassed and ashamed, so, you involuntarily step back.

“It’s nothing,” you put your hands up, looking down at your feet.

“Y/N,” Hotch says, his heart pounding in his chest.

You look back up, locking on his beautiful, angular face. You see every feature clouded in a haze of sorrow and concern.

You know you must swallow your pain and try to get it out. He wasn’t about to let you off easy.

“You… they… I…” you begin, but never finish your sentence. Instead, you start to cry again.

Wordlessly, Hotch moves to cup your face in his hands. They’re large and slightly calloused, encasing your cheeks as his thumbs gently swipe away the tears. His soft eyes search your watery ones; despite your better instinct, you bring your hands up to rest on his chest. You feel his breathing hitch. One of his hands moves from your face to cover your smaller hand against his chest. The two of you stay there, just like that, for another handful of heartbeats. You focus on his hands and how warm and safe they make you feel. Soon enough, you stop crying and gather the courage to speak.

“I heard them.” You whisper, not trusting yourself to say another word. You know that Hotch knows exactly who “them” is, and exactly what it is that you’ve heard.

His brow creases and his hand grips yours tighter. He cleans another tear off your cheek, and then lets that hand down to ball in a fist at his side.

“I’m going to kill them.” Hotch states, furious and heartbroken.

“Me first.” You sniffle.

Your boss sighs, giving you a heartfelt look. Leave it to you to make a joke at a time like this.

“I told them this morning that if I ever heard them say another thing about you, I was going to have their badges. I should’ve kicked them off this case hours ago.” He huffs, closing his eyes, letting his other hand, the one that was covering yours, drop down to his side.

You know this look all too well. You know he’s blaming himself.

“It’s not your fault,” you offer, smoothing your hands over his chest to settle on his upper arms. “Hotch, look at me.”

He doesn’t at first, but eventually, he opens his eyes. His hands open and close at his sides, as if he’s fighting them to be still.

“I’m sorry.” He breathes out. “For everything. For handling this how I did.”

“I’m not.” You chime in, feeling braver, calmer now that you’re here with him. Your comment earns a quizzical glance and a slight head tilt from Hotch, urging you to go on. “You stood up for me. You honoured me. You respected me. You protected me. You –“

With a fierce momentum, your next sentence is swallowed by Hotch’s lips pressing into yours. His hands come up to rest on your hips, and then circle around your waist to pull you closer. He’s warm and soft and intense; you whimper into the kiss, moving your hands to rest on the back of his neck and card in his hair. The kiss is over far too soon for your liking, both of you needing to pull back and inhale.

Hotch looks at you with heavy eyes, hands gripping your hips. He smells like coffee and pine, with a hint of something spicier. Everything about him is overwhelming yet grounding.

“Finally,” you whisper, hands clasped around his neck. “It’s about damn time.”

“It is,” is all he musters, still dazed by the audacity of his own actions.

“Aaron?” You lick your lips, feeling his hands squeeze you tight at your use of his first name.

“Yeah?” He can’t help but start to smile, showing off his adorable dimples and crinkled lines around his eyes.

“I love you; do you know that?” You say in earnest.

Aaron giggles, giggles at your confession, and then attacks your lips again, making you yelp at the surprise. His lips detach from yours only to pepper kisses on your tear-stained cheeks, jaw, and forehead.

“I love you too,” he breathes out, giddier than you’ve ever seen him. He looks like a kid in a candy shop, and it makes your heart leap into your throat.

Just then, a car beeps on the road, startling you two. You’re suddenly reminded where you are, and why you’re here. The thought of having to go back inside makes you groan, and you bury your head into his chest for a moment. He hums into your hair, planting a kiss on the top of your head.

Reluctantly, you pull yourself off his chest to look up at him.

“Forget about them,” you say, “go finish giving the profile so we can close this case and get the hell out of this town so you can take me home and show me how much you love me.” You smile at him, pulling him in for another, lighter kiss.

He grins against your lips, meeting you for another smooch.

“Yes ma’am,” Hotch replies, giving you a kiss on the tip of your nose.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three months later, you and Aaron are coming down from your highs, sweaty and blissed-out after an amazing lovemaking session. After the team wrapped up the case and made it back to Virginia in one piece, you and Hotch went out to dinner the next night. He took you to dine in at the Chinese restaurant that you both usually ordered from on those nights you both spent pining and yearning in his office. It was… perfect. He was perfect. Just as your friendship had blossomed, so did your relationship. One date led to another, one gesture turned into more, and you and Aaron settled into life as a couple with ease. You hadn’t brought up the incident with the deputies since it had happened the afternoon that Hotch had followed you out to the parking lot to wipe away your tears.

Now, as you lay in his arms, wrapped in his strong, loving, embrace, your mind wanders back to their words. However, you don’t feel animosity toward them, rather it makes you giggle.

“What’s so funny hot stuff?” Aaron cracks open an eye and smiles down at you. One arm is tucked underneath his head, and the other is tracing patterns on the bare skin of your shoulder.

“Oh, just that case we had in Wisconsin a few months back.” You nuzzle deeper into his chest with another laugh.

Hotch frowns, recalling the memory, thinking about the way those awful men spoke about you.

“How is that funny?” He asks, hesitantly.

“They called me a whore.” You say nonchalantly, peering innocently into his amber eyes. You bring your palm up to swipe across his cheek softly, feeling the light stubble of his jaw underneath your fingertips.

Both of his eyes are open now, and his hand motions cease their patterns on your skin. He’s confused, and the face he’s giving you is downright adorable. It makes you giggle again.

You detach yourself from his grasp and sit yourself up, carefully shimmying down the bed. Aaron’s eyes never leave you.

You nestle yourself between his legs and look up at him with a smirk.

“They were partially right.” You offer, studying the small changes in his face, watching as his eyes glaze over with lust for the second time that night.

“I am a whore.” You pout suggestively and flutter your eyelashes. “A whore for you, Hotch.”

He shakes his head at you in amusement and chuckles, but it quickly turns into a deep, throaty moan as you wrap your lips around the tip of him.

As you start to bob your head on his already hardening length, you think to yourself: as much as I hate to say it... someone should really give those two deputies a raise.

[bagelboys-withcreamcheese]

Modern!Reader And The Gang In Modern Times

~~

Reader: Hey- What are doing!?

Sean, shoving a snickers bar into a pickle: Behold, the Snickle.

—

Reader, crying: What do you want from me?!

Lenny: *eating a KitKat without breaking the pieces off*

Reader, sobbing: Please just- stooop!

—

Hosea, in the other room: SON OF A- WHO SPENT $217 ON ANIMAL CROSSING?!

Reader, hiding their switch: Oh no oh no oh no oh no-

—

Sean: How do you get ‘Bill’ from ‘William’?

Lenny: How do you get ‘Bob’ from ‘Robert’?

Sean: Wait no, how the hell do you get ‘Dick’ from ‘Richard’?

Reader: You ask him nicely.

—

Hosea: I’m driving.

Reader: Shotgun!

Dutch: You had it on the way here!

*both turn to see Reader holding a shotgun*

Reader: No, I found a shotgun. *cocks gun* And I want the front seat.

—

Arthur: It’s so dark in here.

Reader: Don’t worry, Artie, I’ve got this.

Reader: *stomps feet*

*sketchers light up*

—

Reader: Okay, we’ve got to get through this locked door. Dutch, give me your credit card.

Dutch, handing it to them: Here.

Reader, pocketing it: Cool. Arthur, kick the door down.

—

Hosea, answering his phone: Hello?

Reader: It’s Y/N.

Hosea: What did they do this time?

Reader: No, it’s me, Y/N.

Hosea: What did you do this time?

—

Reader: I guess what they say is true. The ones we love the most, hurt us the most.

Arthur: For the last time, Y/N, I’m sorry I ate the last slice of pizza!

—

Reader: Hey, I don’t know where Dutch is. Can you find him?

Hosea: What, do you think I have him microchipped or something?

Reader: Well, do you?

Hosea: ....yeah, hang on.

—

Dutch: FOUR MONTHS!

Reader: What’s he talking about?

Hosea: It’s not that big of a d-

Dutch: YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT FOR FOUR MONTHS-

—

Dutch: Not another word.

Reader: Fergulous.

Dutch: I said not another word!

Reader: Ohhh, so when we’re playing scrabble it’s not a word but now suddenly it is???

Dutch:

Reader: Bullshit.

—

Reader: Morning, good sir!

Arthur:

Reader: Or afternoon rather.

Arthur:

Reader: Heh hem, I’m speaking to you, thot.

—

Reader, walking into the dining room: Sah dude!

Everyone else at the table: Sah dude!

Hosea:

Hosea: Y/N, we need to have a serious sit down.

Arthur: It won’t do anything, trust me.

—

Reader, singing softly: Two bros, chillin in the hot tub~

Jack: FIVE FEET APART CUZ THEY’RE NOT GAY!

Hosea: Y/N I SWEAR-

—

Dutch: You can’t keep doing this!

Reader: I don’t see what the big deal is!

Dutch: Throwing your clothes on a chair instead of folding them is incredibly disorganized!

Reader: I find the shirt I’m looking for eventually!

Dutch: They get wrinkled!

Reader: I’m not trying to impress anybody.

Dutch: It makes your room look like a mess!!

Reader: To match with the rest of my life! Even if you’re right I don’t have the energy to care so there’s no reason you can give to make me want-

Hosea: When you wake up in the middle of the night it looks like a man just sitting there watching you.

Reader:

*later*

Reader: *folding clothes*

—

Sean: The snack the smiles back!

Reader: Children.

Hosea: I’m concerned about your mental health.

—

Reader: What are you doing here?

John: Running from my problems.

Reader, opening the door more: Come on in.

—

*Hosea & Reader out for a walk*

Hosea, squinting at a man at the end of the street: Is that Arthur?

Reader: Hold on, lemme check.

Reader: *does weird stance*

Man: *does weird stance back*

Reader: Yeah, it’s him.

—

Reader: I am a threat.

Arthur: *lunges forward slightly*

Reader: *trips and falls backwards*

—

Reader: Why isn’t there a sad sunglasses emoji?

Reader: To show that I’m sad but still cool.

—

Reader: Look, I know from the outside I look like I have everything together-

Arthur: You don’t, really.

—

Reader: When I get murdered can you make sure I’m an unsolved case?

Hosea: Sure.

Dutch: What?

Reader: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Dutch: Can we go back to the part where you said ‘When I get murdered?’

—

Lenny: Unpopular opinion: Not all dogs are good boys.

Reader: Blocked.

Lenny: Sometimes, they’re good girls!

Reader: Unblocked.

[sleepy-shutin]

I'm someone who suspects that I may have DID or OSDD, and I want some scientifically based tools that could help me identify if that's the case (or if it's another dissociative disorder, psychosis, etc).

I also want to know if there's some sort of objective way to "measure" whether or not my trauma was severe and long-lasting enough to cause DID or OSDD (taking into account that I may or may not remember all of my traumatic experiences).

You don't have to respond, I know it's a lot to compile that kind of list.

I came here because you seem like a reliable source. I want to do my own research/look into scientific research, but honestly that kind of academic language can be really inaccessible at times. Sorry if this was the wrong place to ask

honestly, there's not really a whole, comprehensive list i or anyone else on the internet could give you. the best you can do is research. read into DID, personal experiences with it, how it works, how parts may influence each other, how switching and fronting and passive influence can feel, how DID compares to other, seemingly similar disorders, like DP/DR or BPD.

research is going to be your best bet there. there's no list.

"I also want to know if there's some sort of objective way to "measure" whether or not my trauma was severe and long-lasting enough to cause DID or OSDD (taking into account that I may or may not remember all of my traumatic experiences)."

there's not really a way to objectively measure if your trauma was "severe enough" to cause DID. the requirements to form DID aren't "you must have this much trauma", but rather having repetitive, long-term childhood traumas coupled with a disorganized attachment/unstable support system, before/around the age of 9.

it's also important to remember that trauma is less of an event itself and more a reaction to an event. having a good support system lessens the chances of someone getting PTSD after experiencing a trauma, but not having one increases these chances because lacking a reliable support system after trauma can make the events and what happens after them more traumatic and difficult to deal with, which correlates with the idea that trauma is a reaction.

so yes, people with DID often experience severe trauma, because they are/were lacking a support system to deal with incredibly stressful events.

there's also the fact that you can have childhood trauma and not DID still. not every case of child abuse, even with a disorganized attachment, leads to DID. sometimes it just leads to CPTSD, or it leads to CPTSD and NPD or BPD or ASPD, etc.

and honestly, the best information on DID is found in books and papers written by reputable dissociative specialists. the medical language can be hard to parse, but not every book or paper has that kind of language. books like "understanding and treating dissociative identity disorder: a relational approach" actually doesn't have a lot of incredibly confusing medical language. "got parts?" is a self-help book for DID that also does not have this. "separating fact from fiction: an empirical examination of 6 myths about dissociative identity disorder" and "dissociative identity disorder: an empirical overview" are both two papers that are also not heavy on the confusing clinical and scientific language. "the phenomenology and treatment of extremely complex MPD" is also a relatively easy read.

and by "easy read" i mean that all of these are pretty easy to comprehend, not that they aren't triggering, because they can easily be very triggering, so fair warning.

a great way to get started on research is reading at a book or an academic paper on DID, and then going to the sources at the end and searching those up and reading those as well.

one thing that helps me read academic language that might be confusing is taking notes on it. taking notes to see if i'm understanding it properly, googling words and phrases i may not understand, and reading passages multiple times to make sure i'm comprehending them properly. it can make reading a single paper a lot longer than it normally would be, but that's how i make this sort of thing accessible to myself.

hope this helps somewhat.

[meganwritesfanfics]

Fresh Bruises (Josh Lyman x Reader) Part 3

Warning this story contains mentions of Domestic Abuse 

It was another half an hour to almost an hour before Abby reappeared. Donna had fallen asleep her head resting on Josh’s shoulder. He knew he should be tired, he should be exhausted, it was 3 in the morning, and he had only gotten maybe an hour of sleep the night before. But he couldn’t sleep, he barely blinked because all he could see was Y/N lying motionless in his arms. 

“Josh,” Abby started when suddenly a dozen secret service agents came into the waiting area. The staff knew what to do as they quickly ushered everyone in the room to a different waiting room, the commotion waking Donna. 

After the room had been secured President Bartlett and Leo walked in, and Josh quickly rose to his feet. 

“Sir you didn’t have to come,” He started but Bartlett just pulled him into his embrace. 

“Nonsense Josh, have you heard anything?” 

“The surgery went well.” Abby said and Bartlett quickly patted Josh on the shoulder with a smile on his face. 

“But,” Josh said noticing that Abby’s demeanor wasn’t a happy one. 

“But, her head injury was worse than they had originally thought.” Abby said and Josh sat back down looking up at her as a child would look up at a parent.  “She’s in a coma Josh.” 

Josh just stared at Abby, mouth agape. 

“Oh Josh,” Donna said her voice cracking hard as she wrapped her arms around him, trying her best not to cry. 

 “What are our options, are their specialists we can see what…” Jed started as he and Abby walked down to talk. 

Josh wasn’t sure when Leo sat down next to him, but the next thing he knew Leo was grasping his hand tightly. He didn’t say anything, didn’t try to tell Josh everything was going to be ok. He just sat with him, letting Josh know he was there. 

More time passed and Josh hadn’t spoken, hadn’t moved, hadn’t cried since Abby told him the news. 

“Josh,” A voice spoke softly and he turned to see Leo still sitting next to him, but now he had a cup of coffee in his hands, Josh noticed there was another cup sitting on the table next to him. “Abby said she doesn’t think there is going to be anymore news for a while, why don’t we take you home so you can shower.” 

“No, I have to stay, Y/N might…” Josh wanted to say wake up, but he couldn’t bring himself to because he still hadn’t fully processed everything that was happening. 

“Abby is going to stay with Donna, they will be here when we get back, but Josh I think you would feel much better after a shower and a change of clothes.” Leo insisted 

For the first time since they had gotten to the hospital, Josh finally looked down at himself. He was covered in blood, his white shirt was stained red and his shaking hands were caked with Y/N’s blood. 

Before he even had a chance to say anything else, Leo was pulling him to his feet and ushering him out of the hospital. 

Neither of the men tried to speak as they made their way to Leo’s car nore did they speak on the drive to Josh’s apartment. 

Josh stayed staring at his hands trying to get them to stop shaking. His breathing was erratic and he was trying not to have a full blown panic attack, but it was incredibly difficult as he sat with the blood from the love of his life covering him. 

“Josh,” Leo said as he looked over at him noticing the sound of his breathing. “Josh, you need to breath.” 

“What if she doesn’t wake Leo, she is my whole world. I can’t…” 

“Don’t think like that Josh, Dr. Bartlett is making sure that we get every specialist in the country on the case. Y/N is going to have nothing but the best care, Jed has insisted on it.” 

“The President can’t…” Josh started. 

“Josh, you are family, he’s going to do whatever he can to help you.” 

The young man couldn’t help but get choked up hearing this. He had always considered the staff of the rest wing and the President to be his family. They had all been through highs and lows together, but actually hearing the word family come out of the Chief of Staffs mouth, really solidified everything. 

By the time they had reached the apartment Josh had calmed down. He felt like for the first time that whole evening/morning he could breath. 

The two men made their way into the apartment. Josh quickly rushed around picking up the papers and boxes that littered the apartment. He couldn’t remember the last time Leo had been to his place, or if he ever had, but he didn’t want him to see how terribly disorganized he was. 

“Josh, I have seen your office, I expected your house to look much worse, Y/N must be a good influence on you.” Leo laughed causing Josh to stop looking back with a smile on his face. “Now go shower and get changed.” 

Josh started his way towards the bathroom, but as he passed each room his mind began to flood of the memories he and Y/N had there. 

It was 2 am by the time Josh had finally gotten home from work, and instead of going to bed, he immediately made his way to the couch pulling out the files he had brought home, to read over them before he had meetings the next day. He probably had gotten through 10 pages before he was passed out on the couch. 

“Josh,” He heard someone whisper but he didn’t move he just kept his eyes closed, his hands barely hanging onto the files. Someone sighed as they reached down to grab the files out of his hands, and then he felt a blanket be placed over him. 

In an instant he opened his eyes to see Y/N standing above him and he smiled as he grabbed her waist pulling her on top of him causing her to squeal. 

“Why didn’t you come up to bed.” She said as she snuggled into his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. 

“I had some stuff I need to finish before my meetings tomorrow.” He yawned kissing the top of her head. 

“You know that if you try to read those files this late that you are just going to fall asleep. You always do.” She giggled. 

“And you are always there to tuck me in. Maybe that's the real reason I do it.” 

“You are quite a frustrating man Joshua Lyman.” 

“But you love me none the less.” 

“Oh I do love you, I love you so much.” Y/N said looking into his eyes with such love that Josh thought he might cry. 

“I love you too Y/N, more than I ever thought possible.” Josh said kissing her. 

The two spent the night on the couch, and although he woke up sore, Josh still credited it as one of the best nights of his life. 

Josh couldn’t hold back his tears as he continued past the kitchen 

“You are not the only one with a career Josh!” Y/N screamed as she turned back to look at the food she had cooking on the stove. 

“I’m not saying you don’t I’m just saying…” 

“You are just saying that your career should always come first and that I should drop every single thing that I am doing to support you in your career.” Y/N hissed as she aggressively turned the stone off, turning back to look at him. 

“Well yes since my career actually m…” He started but his eyes went wide when he realized what he was about to say. 

“Because your career actually matters, is that what you were going to say Josh,” Y/N said, the anger completely gone from her voice. “Go ahead and eat. I'm not hungry anymore.” She said as she stormed upstairs. 

“Shit,” Josh thought as he made his way after her. 

As he cautiously made his way towards their bedroom, he could hear the sound of Y/N crying and he quickly walked in. 

“Y/N,” He started and that’s when he saw her packing. “What are you doing.” 

“I’m going to go stay with Ainsley,” She sniffed wiping the tears from her eyes. 

“You would rather stay with a republican than with me,” Josh teased but Y/N just gave him a devastated look. “Y/N I’m sorry I didn’t mean what I said.” 

“My job matters Josh, I know its not the life altering decisions like you make but to those kids, the ones whom I am their only voice during a time that is extremely traumatic for them, it matters.” Y/N said her voice cracking hard, 

Josh quickly rushed to her side putting his hands on her face. “I know that honey, I do. I was just upset I really didn’t mean it. Your job absolutely matters. I am constantly in awe of what you do and how you help people. I brag about your job to everyone. My mother when she calls she asks how your job is going long before she even asks about me.” 

Y/N laughed as she wiped her tears away. 

“I was just upset because I really wanted you to come to the gala with me. I feel a lot more confident when I have you next to me.” 

“Josh, you were plenty confident when I met you.” Y/N said as she back away turning back as she started to unpack the suitcase. 

“It was a nice little act,  but in realty, I feel my most confident and strongest, when you are by my side holding my hand, because I know if I have you I can face anything.” Josh said as he wrapped his arms around her waist burying his face in the crook of her neck. 

“For how often you are an ass, you really know how to make up for it.” Y/N sighed as she turned around kissing him softly as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

“I’ve learned to admit when I’m wrong. Because I would rather grovel for your forgiveness than lose you.” He said seriously. 

Y/N smiled as she ran her fingers through his hair. 

“You won’t ever lose me Josh.” 

By the time Josh made it into their bedroom he was a sobbing mess. Every room in the house gave him flashes of the beautiful memories he had with Y/N, and he felt like everything was slipping away. 

Josh slowly rolled over, for the first time in a long time he had actually slept well. And he knew exactly what the reason was. As he opened his eyes he smiled looking at the beautiful girl laying next to him asleep. 

Last night was the first night Y/N and Josh had spent together. And as Josh took in the sight of her snuggled up next to him, her beautiful Y/H/C against her Y/S/C, he realized that he was in love with her. 

“You are staring, Joshua.” Y/N smiled as she opened her eyes smiling at him. 

“It’s hard not to stare, you are so beautiful Y/N.” Josh said as he leaned forward kissing her. 

“You are just saying that because I am lying naked in bed with you.” She laughed. 

“You could be wearing 30 layers of clothes and I would still think you are the most beautiful woman in the world.” 

Y/N kissed Josh again as she pulled him closer. 

“I mean I’m not saying that you being naked in bed with me is a bad thing by any means.” Josh laughed as he flipped over so he was on top as he kissed Y/N passionately. 

He kissed her for a while before the two broke apart and Josh stared down at her. She looked up eyes filled with curiosity.

“What’s wrong Josh,” Y/N smiled. 

“I love you.” Josh said. “I love you Y/N.” 

Y/N stared at Josh for a moment eyes wide. “I love you too Josh.” 

As Josh got in the shower and he watched as Y/N’s blood dripped off of him and down the drain, he let out a devastated scream as he pounded his fists against the tile.

[cheeriecherry]

Can I request bakugo, kirishima and shoji with a reader who has adhd? It's totally fine if u can't, but I love seeing hcs about stims and stuff,, thank u :) !

//raises hand// u mean me <:3c I have adhd so prepare for a lot of uhhhhh habits that I have-

BAKUGOU KATSUKI

-This guy knows fuckall about ADHD lbr

-He’s the guy who can sit down and study and stay focused, who keeps a regular sleep schedule, who sits still in class (for the most part). Sure, he’s shouty, but he’s not got a clue about what you deal with.

-Before he really gets to know you, he thinks you’re a pain in the ass ngl. Like, why can’t you study, it’s not that hard? What do you mean you didn’t go to bed until 3am because falling asleep is ‘boring’? Sorry when was the last time you showered - what do you mean you thought you already did it?!

-It’s probably frustrating to deal with his remarks. Like, he’s judging you for something that’s out of your control.

-It’s best to just lay it out flat for him; call him out for being an asshole. Not only because he’s just being rude, but because he’s being rude about things that are out of your hands.

-He’ll feel guilty about it, but he won’t say anything. Which kind of sucks, because an apology would be nice but...be patient with him also, he’s still learning.

-He would probably take it upon himself to learn what the heck adhd even is, and how it affects people. And what kinds of things you can do to help with it!

-He’d be quieter around you after that, and more lenient. He’d still help you study, but he’d be less gung-ho about shoving your face in a book. Sometimes he’ll read the paragraphs to you while you follow along or make notes, and he’ll help you make summary pages that are organised and colour coded for easy access.

-He finds a neat little fidget toy online and orders one for you, it’s like. A little cube with buttons and switches and little rolly things on each side, very good for when you’re in class and your leg is bouncing and you’re twirling your pen around while staring at the ceiling.

-He definitely can relate to the emotional side of adhd tho. Feeling Everything or Nothing, not really being able to control or get a handle on intense emotions, having outbursts sometimes. He doesn’t really know how to help you with that, because he is, in fact, a loud boi. It’s probably pretty common that you’ll yell something and he’ll yell back, but it devolves into a basic conversation at a high volume.

-Once he gets to know you and starts dating you, he’ll think your mannerisms are cute. The way you sway back and forth while you’re standing, the little wiggly thing you do with your hands when you’re excited for something.

-He also really likes watching you train, and training with you. Your brain goes fast and the rest of you follows, so it’s pretty common for you to lay waste to your opponents. When you don’t doubt yourself, your instinct shines through and you’re incredibly clever.

-It carries over to conversations sometimes, where you’ll always have some quick remark to smack somebody with when they talk shit.

-He’s seen the downsides of adhd, but he also sees the kind of pros it can have, and he sees how hard you work to get things done in spite of it. He thinks you’re pretty cool.

KIRISHIMA EIJIROU

-He also doesn’t know what adhd, not really.

-He’s heard of it, but only the stereotypes. The ‘can’t sit still, always talking, not very smart’ stereotypes. So he probably sees your behaviours and doesn’t connect the dots.

-He notices you staring out the window a lot in class, and not really giving much to group conversation. Plus you sometimes need people to repeat things, two or three or four times, before it clicks with you. He doesn’t think you’re dumb, not at all (he’s seen your grades and you’re definitely not dumb) but he does wonder what’s up with you.

-He’ll probably ask you one day, after seeing you watching a movie with subtitles on, despite it being in your native language. Just be honest with him and tell him that yeah, you have adhd.

-He’ll probably be the guy to say ‘but you dont act like you have adhd’ because all he has to go off of are stereotypes. It’s important to set him straight. Tell him what it’s really like, the good parts, the bad parts, the ugly parts.

-The ‘not being able to tidy anything up because the stars aren’t in alignment’ parts. The ‘everything looks horribly disorganized but you know where everything is’ parts. The ‘I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days because I lost track of time’ parts.

-He already thought pretty good of your before, but now that he knows you really have to fight to be where you are, he’s in awe. You’re such a strong person, which he really admires.

-If you do something that’s ‘weird’ he’ll ask you to explain it. He’s honestly just curious, and wants to learn more about you and what drives you, so don’t be offended by it.

-But he’ll definitely like the fidget toys you have, particularly the squishy or stretch ones. And he finds that your study tricks really help him in terms of paying attention, and he’s able to absorb the material better. You guys always make sure to create study sheets together that are laid out well and easy to access.

-He also really like the energy you have during training, and often seeks you out to partner up. Whereas sitting in a classroom isn’t your strong suit, being out on the field and moving around is. You’re got a quick wit and a smart brain, and when you’re using your body at the same time, it’s easier to keep track of your thoughts and put them into action.

-10/10 loves the shit out of you and lowkey brags to everyone about how good his S/O is.

SHOJI MEZO

-The quietest and most understanding of the bunch.

-He -like the others- probably also doesn’t know much about adhd, but he’s far more relaxed about it when you tell him. He’s kind of just like ‘oh, okay’ and it doesn’t change his opinion of you.

-But when he sees how it really affects you, that’s when he starts to think differently. 

-He’s not a bad student in terms of grades. he’s pretty mediocre, both in hero training and classes, and he’s okay with it. But he sees how much you bust your ass just to be where you are, and he’s certainly not envious.

-When you tell him what other kinds of fun things you have to deal with, he probably feels a little bad for you at first. He’s already self conscious about himself, so if he had to go through the things you do, his self esteem would probably be pretty low.

-but he really respects that you’re owning your adhd, and working with it instead of trying to ignore it and make it go away. 

-Plus, with cons come pros, and you have so many of them. It can be hard to get into things sometimes, but once you do? He’s seen the way you get when you hyperfocus, and the amount you can achieve when you’re in that state. He’s learned not to bother you until you’re done whatever you’re doing when you’re focused, knowing that once you lose it, it’s gone and you’ll never get it back.

-And the way you enthuse about your interests is adorable. he admire you passion and knowledge about certain subjects, and the lengths you’re willing to go to in order to learn about them.

-He doesn’t usually like being your partner during training, mostly because you kick his ass using sped and intelligence alone. Plus your stamina and unwillingness to stay knocked down is...something. Something real good.

-He definitely sees the appeal of fidget toys. After he tries yours, he’ll probably get one for himself, and keep it in his off hand while he’s working. I mean, six arms, y’know? That’s like four more arms to not be busy with when he’s working, and four more arms of sensory input. Having something to fiddle with actually helps his concentration too.

-Speaking of sensory input, this guy gives the best hugs when you’re overstimulated by something. A good squeeze calms down the sympathetic nervous system, and he’s hands down the best at hugs. He holds you tightly and blocks out whatever light and noise that he can, until you’ve calmed down and are more equipped to deal with things.

-You two mesh pretty well together, and there’s a lot he can learn from you. He respects you and cares about you!

[hanijunk]

Alright boys, girls, and nonbinary folks of the world. It’s 5:36am (1/30 when I first started) as I decide to give up on my attempt to continue to focus on learning statistics, avoid studying for my two upcoming midterms, and put off my two actual essays for two different classes.

Instead we’re going into a dive about ✨ KazuFuuma ✨ . Is this me telling you you gotta ship it? No of course not, you’re entitled to your own ships! You don’t really gotta care about it as a ship. But I do want people to recognize it’s THERE canonically, and how disregarding it is extremely unfair to Kazuki as a character particularly. Also, I’m working on the assumption anyone clicking this at least knows the bare bones about what KazuFuuma (ex. You know they are a ship of Kazuki/Fuuma from Dolce, you know they are childhood friends, you know who Dolce is, you know about Honeyworks, etc.) I’ll be making references to specific things, but I won’t always go into heavy detail. Might just hope you know it or take my word for what it is, and go into analyzing it. Some I’ll put direct references to find, but some I’ll trust you can find it yourself. If you somehow read this MAMMOTH and want reference to a specific thing mentioned, hmu I can help you find it!!

Also I hate tumblr formatting sm if you legit wanna read this 7 page essay but hate tumblr format lmk I'll add it as a google doc link instead too. anYWHO

Before actually getting into the meat of things lemme preface some stuff.

Again it’s like almost 6am so this will be disorganized and very train of thought (and likely long due to the fact when I fly by the seat of my pants I’m known to get unnecessarily extensive). It’s definitely gonna be in large part why it’s important to recognize as a romantic relationship foundation and what about it shapes Kazuki’s character in particular. Maybe a bit of how it’s been built up and its general focus and implications. Dunno yet. We’ll see LMAOO

I say f*ck. Not a lot, just a handful of times. This ain’t something scholarly this is for my own enjoyment so if you don’t like that might not wanna read. And it’s not like spitefully I just curse a lot if you haven’t...read my tags before lol

Again this is through the lens of a Kazuki stan. Of COURSE I’m going to have some level of bias, but if anything that bias may help more than hurt because that means I become FIXATED and think a lot about Kazuki. Which plays into establishing just how important it is that Kazufuuma’s relationship is recognized, especially in a romantic light at this point. Lmfao. 

I’ll have a few more prefaces about the actual content below but to keep this from getting too long if you wanna read come below the cut owo

I have extremely limited knowledge of Japanese just taking a few classes in highschool (so like 3 yrs ago) and live in America. This means a lot of my knowledge is gathered through the english translations of the super duper incredible and lovely people in the Honeyworks fandom who provide translations (delaix and takanenene esp have provided so much for me being able to understand Dolce) and my own limited Japanese paired with Google Translate for things that remain untranslated.

This only will be drawing on information I have come in contact with and have access to and making assumptions based on that, most (if not all) of which is in the public domain. So things like the Dolce Manga Volumes released via Animate, exclusive 4komas, and Light Novels are out of my area for the most part (apart from again snippets of translations thanks to this fandom’s godlike and generous translators).

I will not be drawing on anything from the first Dolce album with the exception of Nade Nade. From a meta standpoint, I consider those songs as songs made as performance media as opposed to character explorations. Nade Nade is the exception because (1) it was released a whole year before the album and (2) you can tell it’s explicitly an exploration of Fuuma and Kazuki’s interpersonal relationship even if it’s in a slightly more performance based context than the songs that came out with the Dolce LNs. Easiest parallel I can make to show this is if you held Non-Fantasy, Yume Fanfare, and Samishigariya up against each other, you could tell the difference in intended audience and intended purpose the same way the Dolce 1st album, Nade Nade, and the songs of the LNs do respectively. Even if there is some basis to ground Kazufuuma, for the purposes of this essay I’ll be acting under the assumption the 1st album falls under the Non-Fantasy equivalent category.

THAT WAS A LOT OF PREFACING CONSIDERING LIKE 2 PPL WILL PROBABLY READ IT I just have a tendency to anytime I do anything analytical lay down ground acknowledgements for myself to work on just...cuz it makes me feel less guilty for any accidental misinformation even if I’m writing towards my future self to read lolll IM SORRY WITHOUT FURTHER TO DO HERE’S THE BRAIN DUMP

First let’s go ahead and establish why it needs to be recognized as an important relationship. Again, I’m a Kazuki stan. He’s my favorite character not only of Dolce but also of the entire Honeyworks series, and as much as I love him for reasons outside the ship, whether you like it or not Kazufuuma is an essential aspect of his character and narrative. Of course there’s the fact that him and Fuuma are childhood friends, so that’s going to in part define their characters and interactions with each other and those around them. They’re both going to be relevant to one another and important to one another’s stories to an even greater extent than the rest of the members of Dolce. But on Kazuki’s side at least, it’s an EXTREME amount. A running plotpoint in Dolce Diary is the sheer amount of dedication Kazuki has to Fuuma and how much his thoughts and decisions are influenced by Fuuma, whether it be how he feels happiest spending time with Fuuma, how he decided to get his piercing to represent he wanted to protect Fuuma, how he doesn’t want to dislike food so he can eat what Fuuma dislikes, etc. Not to mention running jokes about his borderline overprotectiveness and downright possessiveness of Fuuma, how proud he is when Fuuma gets praised, or that one 4koma that literally explicitly states he can read Fuuma’s mind when he thinks motherfucking ‘dirty thoughts’ about his childhood friend (Fuuma). I still don’t know what the fuck to make of that last bit. Genuinely. Or the fact it’s a fucking running joke. As in it’s not a one off. It’s been brought up multiple times. Kazuki what the fuck. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t have character outside of Fuuma or he doesn’t interact with people other than Fuuma. He’s great friends with Sara, Girisha, and Kippei and is shown time and time again to have fun interactions with all of them, generally acting as the best support friend for every member of the group, not Fuuma alone. For instance how he helps Kippei with his self confidence issues or stays over at Sara’s to protect him from a cockroach (which he fails at lol). Nor is that to say all his interactions involving Fuuma focus solely on his devotion to Fuuma, especially in instances where the manga focuses on Dolce as a group dynamic (though even in that setting there are times where jokes about his devotion are thrown in). He’s kind, he’s stupid, he’s friendly, he’s an amazing character in his own right, and I love him for all those reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact a major part of his character and his character interactions are rooted in Fuuma, and arguably some of his most interesting, eccentric, and notable behaviors and traits revolve around Fuuma (again the mind reading for example).

Hell let’s take it one step further. If you look at the character bios of the Dolce members, you get everyone’s motives for being an idol and interests. Of them, Kazuki is the only one to have another character mentioned directly, not to mention that supporting Fuuma is explicitly stated to be his primary motive as to why he became an idol. Not even Fuuma’s sister is mentioned, though two arguments can be made for this. The first would be that Fuuma’s backstory about wanting to fulfill his dream for himself and his sister was decided later to explain Fuuma’s choice to crossdress though it can be argued it was intentionally done to leave it as a reveal at a later date, to which I would argue I don’t think this backstory was a choice in post. While Fuuma’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra exploring that backstory was released a little less than a year after Dolce was revealed, the preview to set up Fuuma’s backstory was actually the first thing released after the character bios on the Dolce Official Twitter page if you exclude a drawing of Dolce from Yamako. The second argument could be that information about his sister was intentionally withheld to set up the reveal when Fuuma’s extra released to explore it. However, going by that logic (which I do agree with), that would also mean that Fuuma’s inclusion and importance in Kazuki’s character bio also set up his dedicated extra, which I don’t think would be incorrect to assume considering what his actual extra turned out being.

Which brings me to the thing that makes it inexplicable to write off the romantic implications behind Kazufuuma: Kazuki’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra, Suki. I shipped Kazufuuma before even knowing of Suki, sure. But the fact that Suki even exists is a shock to me and drove into me the fact that Kazufuuma wasn’t just my own projection. Again, it’s not a surprise that Fuuma shapes Kazuki’s life. They’re childhood friends, of course they’re going to be important to each other. But this extra explicitly brought Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma under a direct spotlight. At first I was thinking oh, this extra was just to acknowledge the fact that Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship can have romantic implications, but the end of it the conclusion that we got was that it didn’t matter what type of “like” he felt for Fuuma. Originally, I thought it wasn’t anything more than saying there are all types of like, and it doesn’t always need to be explicitly defined, but I appreciated the fact they were aware that they were writing Kazuki in a way that conveyed romantic implications. 

Then I thought about it because, again, I love Kazuki of course I’m going to think about his character extra, and realized...that’s not how these character extras have worked. There are only three character extras out as far as I know and have read: Fuuma, Kippei, and Kazuki. If we look at Fuuma and Kippei’s, each extra had a conclusion, sure, but they didn’t have a resolution. Rather, they were simply setting up explicitly what each character’s primary character arc and conflict were. Fuuma’s extra brought attention to the fact that he’s particularly a crossdressing idol by exploring the motives behind it. His choice to be a crossdressing idol is constantly under fire both by himself and the world around him. He’s not immune to those who consider his crossdressing strange, and a part of his story is both finding people who accept his decision to crossdress and to succeed for himself as a crossdressing idol. It’s an essential part of how we understand and define him as a character and it’s a central part of how he interacts with the world around him. For Kippei, it lays the severity of his insecurity under the spotlight and his journey and motives for improving himself. Again, this isn’t something isolated and resolved in the extra; his extreme insecurity and negativity is constantly affecting how he interacts with practically everyone from his fellow Dolce members to his fans despite the fact in all honesty? He’s fucking insanely talented in his own right, his own brother mentioning how smart he is and how he has amazing reflexes. For Kippei, his negativity is an essential part of how we understand and define him and central to how he interacts with the world as much as Fuuma’s decision to crossdress is to him.

Which brings us back to Kazuki, of course. In his dedicated extra, in the chapter that’s supposed to explore and establish and bring attention to an essential part of his character, the aspect of himself under investigation is how he feels about Fuuma. It’s not just how he behaves around Fuuma, it’s explicitly an exploration of his feelings, on top of the fact it’s explicitly an exploration about whether or not he likes Fuuma r o m a n t i c a l l y. Literally the conflict is spurred on by someone outright asking “Do you like him?” and having to clarify “I mean romantically.” What they decided to focus on for Kazuki’s character and emphasize and establish is that Kazuki’s like towards Fuuma toes the line between friendship and romance. His ambiguous feelings towards Fuuma (if we leave them inconclusive as Suki did) are just like Fuuma’s crossdressing and Kippei’s insecurity in the sense the weight of whatever those feelings may be are seen in how he interacts with the world around him and influences his behaviors. It would be another story if they introduced the potential and shut it down all within the extra, because then his central conflict would to me be less directly open to romantic potential and more simply about how his arc was meant to explore the dynamic of the behavior of an extremely dedicated best friend. The fact that he may be romantically attracted to Fuuma or may be only platonically dedicated to Fuuma is instead something that looms over Kazuki in the same way Fuuma’s decision to crossdress constantly looms over him. It’s what Dolce wanted to point to and say this is Kazuki’s central character conflict and central arc: exploring what type of feelings he has towards Fuuma. 

Sure, it can be argued that there’s only three Dolce Diary character extras, there’s not enough to be sure about that being the purpose of the extras unless we get the other two’s extras. First, at this point I honestly don’t know if or when they’re going to release an extra revolving around Sara and Girisha just because not only has it been over a year and a half since the latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Kazuki’s) was released despite the gap between the first and latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Fuuma’s and Kazuki’s) were within a year of release but also because the Dolce 4komas and comics they’ve been posting to Twitter have decreased (last one being over half a year ago) potentially due to them deciding to focus on releasing Dolce manga content through the purchasable volumes instead. (This is not particularly related to the Kazufuuma argument, just wanted to put out there my two cents on what Sara and Girisha’s extra/focal arc would be. Based on a large part of the Dolce Diary in conjuncture with Can’t an Idol Fall in Love, I’d argue Sara’s would be his journey to regain his passion for performing, and if it’s not that I’d say it’d be coming out of his self-imposed isolation and opening up to people again. As for Girisha, I have less of a concrete idea but I’m assuming it’d be something pertaining to how people often misconceive him whether it be in tandem with his determination, his optimism and sociability, or his stupidity/ability to ignore those misconceptions and work past them. But Girisha is treated like the comedic relief 90% of the time so I’m not entirely sure, but his primary conflict is definitely rooted in misconceptions of him being his roadblock imo. #MoreGirishaContentPlz) That being said, I personally feel like the three are already enough evidence, especially considering it would be honestly even more cruel for Kazuki’s character-centric extra to be focusing on something that wasn’t essential to his character and character arc, anyway. And though it’s not explicitly stated that these chapters are extras exploring a central character, you can kind of tell based on how they are (to my knowledge) the only Dolce Diary updates with cover/title cards each which include their focal character front and center. So working off that fact, the Kazuki-centric chapter established that a pillar to his narrative was his feelings towards Fuuma and that those feelings are still open to romantic potential. 

But if you follow me, this is why up until Can’t an Idol Fall in Love With Another Idol’s release, I was terrified of them writing that off. I would have been ok if it was just an arc that was given attention then continued to actively work in the background, as all the character arcs have been over all of Dolce’s content. The fact that they might be giving Fuuma a love interest and giving Fuuma a love arc while Kazuki’s feelings were still up in the air and were still the primary highlighted narrative for him would have been fucking scuffed. To me, it would be like… why would they make him so Fuuma-centric to the point that even his dedicated chapter was not just focused on Fuuma but focused on the ambiguity and potential of him having romantic feelings for Fuuma, yet reduce him to being Fuuma's designated right-hand man. Don’t get me wrong, friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. But again, rather than conclude Kazuki’s answer in Suki to be that his feelings were of friendship, they left it open ended and allow audience members to be actively aware that Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma still had potential to be romantically coded. It would just be so weird to quickly close off that narrative by giving Fuuma a love interest as opposed to letting Kazuki conclude it himself. It would be fucking beyond frustrating for me, at least Eventually, I kept trying to drive my hopes that they would explore Kazuki’s narrative at all down to the ground because it was a Fuuma-centric novel; maybe if anything they’d explore those feelings in his own novel after the fact. But then they kept having little drops here and there of Kazuki being even the slightest bit relevant and I’d go back to questioning “Are??? They??? Is this on purpose??? Do they know what they’re doing or are they just doing this because Kazuki’s just so important to Fuuma as his best friend that he’s there as his right-hand I genuinely can’t tell???” And um. Welp.

Safe to say Can’t An Idol Fall in Love sold me on the fact that they know what they’re doing LOL. And to anyone who thinks that Kazuki’s feelings can still be read as ambiguous in CAIFILWAI as opposed to explicitly romantic - whether it be due to a fear they may pull the “I like him as a friend” card or due to the disbelief that they have an explicit mlm main character in the Honeyworks series - I’d like to cover any bases that may make you think this way. If you think it’s just Kazuki acting like a protective friend, why do you think he calls Yui a rival? If you’ve only seen the MV and think it’s ambiguous or can be taken as the "likfe" for friend, then does that mean you think Yui’s feelings toward Fuuma are also ambiguous or as a friend? With the way Yui responds, she is trying to rival Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma. She and Kazuki recognize whatever feeling it is that they hold towards Fuuma, both of their feelings are the same type. I don’t think most people would argue that Yui’s confession about Fuuma was one of pure respect and friendship. Plus, if anything I’d argue of the three characters in the MV, Fuuma is the one whose feelings are left the most ambiguous despite him being the central character. It’s heavily implied that he may be forming feelings for Yui, but nowhere is it established either in the song or in the MV, especially if you compare it to Kazuki and Yui’s declarations or if you compare it to Sara’s feelings for Uru in Can’t An Idol Fall in Love. Fuuma’s romantic narrative here is trying to figure out how he feels for Yui, while for Kazuki and Yui they’ve established a rivalry because they both have mutually established they like Fuuma romantically.

If the MV isn’t enough for you and Suki isn’t enough for you for...some reason…??? You can check out the snippets of the light novel which the wonderful takanenene translated: one which revisits the conflict set up in Suki and one that covers the confession scene in the MV in more detail. If the fact that the conflict set up in Suki (aka the lurking feeling of not knowing if all he felt for Fuuma was only platonic or more than platonic) was specifically reestablished in the LN for anyone who didn’t keep up with Dolce Diary didn’t tip you off that it was something important, his behavior in the confession scene as depicted by the LN definitely should have. He’s possessive about his spot by Fuuma’s side. He doesn’t want that spot to be taken by anyone else. Even if he knows that they can help Fuuma, he wants it to be him. And this line: “Kazuki then trails off his words, quietly saying ‘That’s why…’ and then gave Yui a slightly painful smile, his cheeks turning red,” before he declares Yui a rival and states he likes Fuuma. If you can tell me you read that line and are still on the fence about Kazuki’s “like” towards Fuuma being romantic, please message me and I will see how I can get through to you. Like it wasn’t even just a romantically coded confession. It’s just a romantic confession. That “like” is romantic. And I’m so proud that he’s not only come to understand for himself how he feels, but that he’s confident enough to ask the person he sees as a romantic rival to speak in private and not only clarify her feelings for Fuuma but before she can even do that firmly establishes that he loves Fuuma with conviction. Kazuki my boy I’m so proud of you. *sniffs*

And that’s it for establishing Kazufuuma as at least canonically one-sidedly canon and why there’s not only no reason to deny it but also why denying it is a fucking disrespectful move towards Kazuki. He’s a character, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t write off his struggle to come to be convicted enough to say it out loud. This has been something weighing on him at least a year, if not more (all I know is it started when both he and Fuuma were in some year in middle school). And as a character in a piece of media, I’ve been saying this the entire time, but brushing it off as non-romantic is literally chucking a fucking pillar of his character’s story into the gutter. And to those who may be saying Kazuki’s confession came out of nowhere and is pandering reread this entire fucking essay again I dare you to do it and tell me to my face it’s pandering. Again. Writing off the buildup as pandering is disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his character and narrative, and disrespectful to the wonderful people who have been creating Dolce so diligently and have crafted this narrative for us. Saying his “supposed feelings” and “ambiguous confession” is pandering is like saying Fuuma’s crossdressing is pandering which. If you say either of those I will find you and I will shank you in the fucking gut. Even if you’re not fully into Dolce, recognize these characters are actually very well developed and executed amazingly, as per every Honeyworks character that has come to exist. I don’t blame you if you weren’t aware of the weight of Kazufuuma, but now that you read this I hope you are. That’s mainly what I needed to get out there, but as follows will be me more exploring how Kazufuuma has been built up and generally waving my hand off at where it may be going. If you want you can dip, thanks for reading up to here because I know I repeated a lot because it’s just. So important to drill into your head and has been something I’ve been hung up about constantly. LOL

As for where exactly they’re taking it from this point on, I honestly don’t know. In all honesty, I didn’t even expect them to take it the direction they did. But honestly, I think the direction they went with it is really interesting and better than I could have imagined, in my opinion at least. Honeyworks never ceases to amaze me with their storytelling and narrative choices, and I don’t think there’s any that stand out to me as being severely questionable that they haven’t reapproached at some point down the line. And, again, I think they’re treating this with a lot of care and deserved respect. So I’m just gonna be gushing about how smart they set it up and how smart they’ve been executing it and maybe my own hopes on the direction it could go.

Whether they make Kazufuuma reciprocated I have no real clue or bearings, but to me my gut reaction is they will. Of course, I’m biased, but again if you trace things all the way back to 2018 and step through Dolce’s content and growth from there, I’d say even if they didn’t know if they could execute it like this and see it to fruition, I’d argue that Kazufuuma has been at least heavily implied since the beginning as a relationship they wanted to explore from both sides of the relationship. Obviously I brought up Kazuki’s character bio already, but if you look at the *goes to count* 5th Dolce Diary update already has a joke jabbing at the fact that Kazuki is technically Fuuma’s type (and the way Kippei and Kazuki excitedly react is so cute). The fifth update. And as stated before there are tons of Kazufuuma moments in Dolce Diary, whether it’s played for comedic effect or played straight (and this is post Suki but oh my god I’ve said it before I’ll say it again get yourself someone who looks at you the way Kazuki looks at Fuuma oh my jesus). But song-wise, I mentioned the one Dolce album song I would bring up is Nade Nade and this is where it comes! 

Not only is Nade Nade specifically focused on Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship as opposed to the whole of Dolce despite being the first song, it included the setup/preview of the Fuuma-centric extra prior to the full release of the Fuuma-centric extra itself and was released early as fuck. Literally between the 6th and 7th update to Dolce Diary. Sure, it could be to isolate them as a duo for marketing purposes (they’re very often the two promoted idols together if the whole of the group aren’t included), but the way it’s established as a perspective song as opposed to a general idol duet is what fascinates me. Anyone who didn’t know about Dolce prior and only followed Honeyworks for music would be first introduced to these characters through this song alone, and maybe this is where my Kazufuuma bias comes from but I was one of those people LOL. I thought it was just a cute one-off relationship that they had set up for the purpose of a song and that it was an implied friends-to-lovers story that would never get a conclusion. Also I mistakenly thought Fuuma was a girl oop-. In the full context of Dolce, this song in part helped establish Fuuma and Kazuki more solidly as a unique duo out of all of Dolce, but it also specifically explored through Fuuma’s eyes just how much Fuuma recognizes and appreciates the unwavering support Kazuki gives him to follow his dreams as he wishes. For Fuuma, he loves Kazuki too, though whether it holds any romantic potential in the same way Kazuki loves him has never been explored to nearly the same extent. But Fuuma appreciates how Kazuki’s remained by his side and does everything he can to support him, so Nade Nade explores how his way of expressing his love and thankfulness to Kazuki is by never saying that he needs Kazuki by his side. He’s glad Kazuki’s always been there for him, and his reciprocation takes on the form of being ready to unwaveringly support Kazuki and not ask for more than he already has, even if it meant Kazuki would be leaving his side, despite the fact that he really does wish they could remain together forever just as Kazuki does. The one point he lets himself say something vaguely close to always wanting to stay together, he gets a surprised expression out of Kazuki and says an ambiguous “suki dayo.” Of course, this it much less romantically coded than what we get from Kazuki in Suki and CAIFILWAI, but there is an interesting emphasis put on it nonetheless. Keep in mind, this is all established through the song, which released long before not only Fuuma’s character-centric extra released but also Kazuki’s character-centric extra released, so there is at least a substantial setup for Fuuma’s feelings towards Kazuki’s being strong as well and possibly grow to be reciprocated one day.

I think for me the most fascinating part about Nade Nade is how they tied it back around to Can’t An Idol Fall In Love with Another Idol. Again, without remembering Nade Nade, I still thought CAIFILWAI was brilliantly explored and executed, even if some people would have preferred no love triangle. But honestly, revisiting Nade Nade makes me trust even more the direction they’re taking with this. Whether or not they make Kazufuuma canon mutually (which. Even if they for some inexplicable reason didn’t I’m going down with this ship.), I’m sure they’re putting a lot of thought into the story, because the last bit of Nade Nade directly parallels the misunderstanding that arose from Fuuma mishearing the Kazuki and Yui. Fuuma is resolved to support Kazuki in any area he’s given the chance, and that explicitly includes if Kazuki had some girl he liked, which is what he assumes is going on. The fact that they tied this back around in the form of a misunderstanding was really really smart and Honeyworks is always so good at parallels and references back to their older songs, but for some reason I didn’t expect this. I don’t know how to say why, but the fact that the song that started it all, kicked off both Dolce and Kazufuuma, was directly referenced both visually in the MV with a cameo at the start and narratively despite the central dynamic being predominantly explored in this story in particular was that of Fuuma and another potential love interest and involves said potential love interest for some reason makes me think that (sorry Yui) this is all planned out for Kazufuuma in the grand scheme of things. That being said, I don’t know if me thinking it was planned all along is just me with shipper goggles, but the idea it’s come full circle nearly 3 years later is not shipper goggles and a very very well done parallel in my opinion, whether this trajectory was their plan for Kazufuuma from the beginning or not. Just wanted to gush about that some more. 

There’s more I could go into especially if I went into specific details about interactions or specific implications established in Honeyworks' Dolce content about different characters that would be fascinating to explore in relation to and under the lens of Kazufuuma, but I think this is uh...plenty long enough. Plus, I doubt you'll stop seeing Kazufuuma posts from me so those ideas will probably just be miniposts or somethin.

Back to the overarching point of this segment, idk what they’ll do with this story in the end, but do I think Kazufuuma will canon? I’m used to looking at ships that aren’t explicitly apparent with a sliver of skepticism, but all things considered (as I stated before) yeah. I don’t see reason why they wouldn’t now that they’ve explicitly identified there is a romantic dimension to it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like to me, the setup isn’t something that would be written off as unrequited? And this doesn’t have to play into why I don’t think it will canon, my personal opinion on the Fuuyui relationship (again albeit through the lens of a hard Kazufuuma shipper lmao) has it’s own merits and is really cute, I find it cute in the way I found Koyuhina cute. I personally never really shipped Koyuhina, and especially since they slipped Kotarou into Ima Suki Ni Naru I was more curious about who this kid was and how he played into things I didn’t really see Koyuhina as something that would come to fruition. Similarly, there’s more importance in the overall sense on Kazuki than there is Yui (considering he’s one of the 5 original and focal members of this generation of idols, this would be natural), as well as the fact there’s just way more foundation and exploration in Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship than there is Fuuma and Yui. As for how much of a balance there is inside the LN itself, the fact that they seem to have spent a substantial amount relaying the foundation of Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship and re-exploring it (at least in Kazuki’s perspective) at all on top of how much content there is covering their relationship prior to the LN ever since Dolce’s origin just feels like that relationship holds more weight. Pretty much Kazufuuma feels more established as a priority in general. The way I personally hope Fuuyui plays out is whether they wind up holding mutual feelings or not or whether Fuuma doesn’t feel that way towards Yui is they get a relationship akin to Kotarou and Arisa. Albeit, Kotarou and Arisa never viewed each other in a romantic light, but they had mutual respect and solidarity. That’s the type of friendship I hope comes out of Fuyui. And considering there hasn’t been a break-up in any Honeyworks’ canon relationships (nor do I expect there to be… they’re all perfect for each other LMAO) it would actually be interesting if Fuuyui get together but don’t endgame and Kazufuuma is established as the inseparable endgame after some realization or another, though I don’t expect them to go that route nor do I know if that’d be the best way to go about it anyway. Also final point, Honeyworks seems to have a thing for childhood friends trope anyway soooooo owo All in all, don’t know where they’re taking it, just excited to see where it goes. 

TL;DR of this *counts* 7 page essay, stan Kazufuuma. Not gonna proof this. Maybe I’ll edit and repost but yall are getting a confusing clusterfuck of ramblings over 2-3 hr periods of me writing across 3 different days at around 5am each day. Uh. If you got this far like and subscribe and-- jk plz reply to this mammoth anywhere you see fit or tell me if you have stuffs to add or counter or whatnot I like hearing people talk about Kazufuuma ;w; I am Kazuki and Kazufuuma brainrot can you tell after reading this? No? Lemme just remind you I’m K--

[kingofthewilderwest]

Are you really happy without the conventional work? How do you deal with feeling like a failure compared to your peers? How the fuck do i adult i'm so tierd and stressed and don't know what i'm doing

I'm really sorry about how tired, stressed, and uncertain you may be feeling. <3 That's really hard stuff to feel. And I mean that with every ounce of sympathy I wish I could express better beyond this stiff text. Sending you all the love.

I am happier without doing conventional work. It might be less stable because my jobs are short-term, and the instability does make me nervous, but I feel like it has more pros than cons for my personal happiness. It will not be for everyone, though, and I would not recommend it for everyone.

I'm assuming when you ask about feeling like a failure, it's both in concern to how I feel with it, and how you might feel yourself. <3 <3 I hope that this answer ends up helping. It's the best I can try. <3

As for myself, I don't for a second believe I am a failure. I've always been a cocky bitch, and here the cockiness reigns supreme: I'm pretty awesome whether I do anything or not. When I'm exhausted and unhappy and Depression takes over (and hooboy Depression can take over like demon possession), my mind might stray to unbearable self-hate and self-deprecation, but I argue against those voices rather than let them enter my everyday language about myself. (It's a dangerous habit to ever repeatedly insult yourself; it ingrains those thoughts in you worse, it really does.)

There's nothing that makes me a failure compared to my old peers. They're pursuing jobs that society traditional deems "successful." So what? They're irrelevant to me and my life, and my life is irrelevant to them. Society's ideas of what is and isn't good has always been complete bullshit anyway... why should I care if I amount anything to what broader society feels? Broader society is stupid and I don't give a damn about it. I'm not saying this out of bitterness or rejection or something; I honestly don't care because it's irrelevant to me.

I'm here to pursue myself, pursue what I personally like. If I feel happier, if I make a milestone that's relevant to me and myself and I, then that's awesome. In many ways, if I'm different than my old peers and not following into their notion of success, then I know I'm doing right by myself. ;) It's proof of my own growth, isn't it?

The truth of the matter is, nobody is a failure for being different than someone else. Every person has a different life path. I know for many people, they are more self-conscious about how the world around them operates, how the world sees them. If the world doesn't find them successful, beautiful, etc., they feel like shit. Maybe you feel self-conscious about not meshing with society or being "as good as" other people around you. And I'm here to say: your life is your life. <3 <3 I know it can be hard to stop comparing yourself with others, but in the end, I do believe we have to understand our own innate value is permanent. Our value is there no matter what. You are beautiful. Period. There's no ifs, ands, buts, accomplishments, actions, or choices that will change the fact you are innately incredible. <3

The people whose heart meshes with yours, the people who lift you up, those are the people that matter, and those people will never believe you're a failure. Those people will see you as the diamond you are. If people judge you and are cruel to you for that, then their voices are the irrelevant ones to be discarded, because they aren't valuing you, and so they don't have good life advice or good values. There's no value listening to idiots, fools, and castigators. Now, that's not to say that good friends and acquaintances won't tell you you're doing something wrong or struggling or making a bad choice... a good friend is someone who protects you by speaking honestly and warning you if they think you're stumbling... but they aren't going to put you down as some failure, either. They're there to help you move forward with your life's journey for yourself.

We all struggle. We all stumble. We all fall. We all fuck up. We all get tired. We all don't know what we're doing. We all flail around aimlessly. We all make the wrong choice. We all look "better" to outside viewers than we see of ourselves. We see the sloppiest parts of ourselves whereas most others don't, so that's why it's easy to be the most critical with yourself and start bashing on yourself. But I guarantee that my peers, shiny as their PhDs might look, have probably had nights where they've cried into their pillows, or been frazzled, or been at bad low points, or wished they were anyone else. And I wish them the best and emotional security, but what it means is: we're all some level of fucked up anyway. Some people have worse struggles than others, and that needs to be respectfully recognized, but at the end of the day, we're all human and we all struggle and our pains are all real things we experience. The pain is real and it's valid to feel bad over it. The best we can do is give ourselves a break, stop tormenting ourselves internally over our natural inability to be perfect, and when we have the strength, to give love and support to others so they don't stumble as bad as we did.

I want to relate to you by saying... I think I was constantly clueless, confused, anxious, and apprehensive in the first half of my twenties. It sucked and I'm sorry if things suck for you.

Somehow....... I think a switch was flipped somewhere when I got more years of "adulthood" under way. The switch flipped from "I hate that I don't know what I'm doing" to "ehhh, whatever, life is life." Now, it's not to say I'm more organized. I'm not. My refrigerator has more mold than food. There's a horrible smell coming from the kitchen sink where water's been resting in a dirty pot for several days. My laundry is scattered all over the floor and I've run out of pairs of clean underwear... ran out several days ago. Don't ask what I'm wearing. I don't know the last time I've vacuumed and my place looks like a tornado zone. It took me several months to have the mental energy to schedule my first COVID shot, and I often have to cancel my banjo lessons like an unreliable buttfart because something Came Up In Life Just Now. In many ways, my life is still a chaos zone. I think I'm getting better (I've earned a ton of money in my savings account the last two years, victory!!! I'm no longer living month-to-month!!!). But I just want to say in all this.... it's okay. It's not preferable that my house is disorganized piles of crap on the floor, but I can continue to live. If we manage to wake up, get ourselves food, do hours of work, then we have achieved adulthood, and everything else is icing on the cake.

In the end, I think "stability" in adulthood is being semi-comfortable with instability. Adulthood just means handling unstable shit, and if we're novices with it, so be it. Maybe as your life goes forward, things will be less tiring and less confusing. Maybe things will be more stable. Or maybe not. Maybe the same problems will keep coming around. But I think adulthood is the ability to accept that these problems come around, and handle them, even if you aren't 100% a master at the novel circumstances.

And over time, I do believe it gets easier. <3 It takes more to rock the boat. It takes more to daunt you. The things that were initially anxiety-causing become a part of everyday affairs, and when a new novel circumstance comes up, you're more mentally prepared to try on something new. I encourage you to keep at it, my friend. I hope things feel better over time. It's okay that you aren't sure what you're doing right now. Maybe someone can help you in the present day. Maybe in the future you'll know what you're doing with tasks that previously confused you. Maybe in the future, the new weird tasks won't feel as daunting. Adulthood is weird and we don't know what we're doing, but that doesn't mean that life is going to fuck us through that.

In the end, you will still have beauty in your life. No matter what, beauty will exist in its simplest forms, and the simplest forms are the best. You don't need to achieve anything to get there. You don't need to be put together (although being put together is nice and something I want to help my friends feel <3 ). You don't need to look impressive in society. If you see a beautiful sunset, if you see a cluster of cute mushrooms, if you pet a cat or dog or animal of your choice, if you spend twenty minutes talking with your friend on voice call, if you read a good book for half an hour in the morning, if you buy yourself a tasty $4 drink to treat yourself, then your adult life is worth it, and your adult life is enough. <3

[marvelousell]

The Agreement (Part 8.)

Pairing(s): frat boy!fwb!Tom x reader, frat boy!Harrison x reader

Summary: Tom is a typical frat boy, his love for partying, drinks and girls are bigger than his ego. Y/N is a whole different dimension, she keeps her circle small, and even though she knows her best friend Tom is a total douche, she can’t say no to the little deal that was sealed between the two of them.

Word count: 3.7k

A/N: I really loved this chapter, Tom and his feelings are making me weak af😫, can’t wait for him to finally say something. I’m also so happy that you all love this series because the drama is coming lol. I would appreciate it if you leave a comment, reblog or send a feedback if you liked this part!❤️

My tag list is open for this series!

Warnings: kinda angsty, swearing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of smut

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4. Part 5. Part 6. Part 7.

Masterlist

“Look who is the centre of the world today.” Anna said lowly as her eyes were glued on the large group of people in front of us.

It was Tom of course with his fellow frat boys. Not just girls but boys were around them as well, laughing at what he was talking.

Probably something unimportant as always.

“I’m sorry but these girls are blind and naïve. Ten girls drooling over a frat boy. Poor girls don’t know how he rolls, or they do but talking around that they slept with the hottest guy in college is totally worth it for them.” She continued rambling to both you and Mel.

Yeah poor girls.

“I find it kinda boring. Doesn’t he get tired of them? I mean I get it he likes the attention but isn’t it a bit too much sometimes?” Mel joined the conversation, you on the other side remained quiet.

You didn’t want to say a thing, you fell under the spell just like the other girls did.

However you saw someone else behind Tom’s façade. No one could tell you that he enjoyed just the sex, and that he didn’t crave a warm touch and love from a partner.

That was bullshit and you knew it.

He opened up to you, spilled the truth and you understood the fear that was eating him, but what you didn’t understand is why he closed his heart for everyone.

It wasn’t okay, he needed to see how love wasn’t as daunting and terrifying as he thought.

You were sure that he isn’t that guy that he and others claimed to be.

“Y/N?” A muffled voice brought you back to reality, making you turn your head immediately.

“Huh?”

“You zoned out. I honestly need to tell Harrison that he was so incredible that he got you all disorganized.” She giggled alongside with Mel.

“Yeah..Yes sorry I was just thinking about the date and all that.” You murmured, feeling Tom’s eyes fixed on yours.

It was a common thing, he would stare at every girl, give a little wink while his mouth curved into a smile.

He had the most beguiling brown eyes that left every single girl wanting more.

Somehow this stare felt a little warmer, like he wanted to show something.

“Oh he is coming here.” Anna whispered.

Tom excused himself, making his way to his three friends.

“Good morning ladies.” He crunched, giving a small smile.

“Tom.” Anna greeted, still a bit disappointed in her friend but she couldn’t stay fake angry at him forever.

“Not happy to see me Ann? C’mon.” He stood up engaging her in a hug.

“I’m sorry for my behaviour, you know how I can get stupid when I have a few beers too much.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t that angry just wanted to hear the word sorry from you love.” She answered.

“Gosh you’re so hard to handle. Anyways as you know, or don’t never mind, our frat is throwing a party on Friday.”

“Wow a party? Again? How’s that possible?” Amelia added sarcastically, laughing during it.

“So hilarious Mel, no really I just wanted to let you know about that.” His eyes shifted to your figure, trying his best not to stare too long.

“Don’t worry for us Tom we always come, but our miss ‘my head is in the clouds because a certain boy is on my mind’ is not a fan of that.” The smile never left Anna’s face as she turned towards you waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know..” You began, feeling unsure about a party where you would probably just find yourself looking for Tom and with who he was there or for Harrison.

“Your boyfriend will be there as well sweetheart.” Tom stated with his gravelly voice, like something was bothering him.

“He is not my boyfriend.” You answered, just like you did the previous night.

“Yet.”

You all went silent for a second after that, but it felt like an eternity for you. His eyes were focused on your tired ones. The ones he loved to see when your walls would tighten around him while the orgasm washed over you and the ones that were always shut when you laughed at something.

Tom wanted you there, he wanted to see you on that stupid party.

Even if it meant that he needed to persuade Harrison to bring you with him.

The feeling of your body close to his, your soft lips pressing against his made him feel dizzy, he wanted you by his side forever.

Tom never thought about anyone in that way. Sure he enjoyed a second, hell sometimes even a third time sex with the same girl, but never did a feeling made an appearance like this while he was with them. There wasn’t something that made him want to come back to the girls and crave more out of it.

With you it was different and he knew it. The feeling was new and it scared him, so he tried to tell himself that it’s because you two were best friends not strangers and that was the reason why he was like that.

“By the end of the night you will be his Y/N I assure you.” Anna’s sweet voice made you break the eye contact with him.

“Who says I’m going?” You crossed your arms over your chest, looking at them.

“We will come Tom.” She confirmed, knowing you will eventually give up when you hear that Harrison was going too.

“Good, can’t wait to see you.” Tom responded, giving you a one last glance before going back to his friends.

-

“I’m not wearing this.” You argued as you looked yourself in the mirror.

The black cliché dress hugged your body perfectly you couldn’t deny that, it was just not your cup of tea.

“Please Y/N just this time! I really like it, it suits you, look at you you’re gorgeous!” Amelia practically begged, wanting to doll you up for tonight.

Of course you accepted to go. Harrison asked you if he would see you there, and you didn’t want to say no. You missed him. Ever since that night, he didn’t leave your head. It was something about the touch and how he was gentle with you, always making sure he didn’t overstep something. A big difference between Tom and him.

“Harrison will be having the hots for you, listen to us.” Anna joined her, waiting for your approval.

“Fine.” You shrugged, the screeching filling the room.

“Are you nervous for tonight? You know a relationship after a while.”

“Kind of Ann, Harrison is the most tender-hearted guy I ever met. I don’t know how he was single until now, he just screams ‘I’m the most caring boyfriend’.”

“Harrison was a bit disappointed after his last relationship, he thought that he didn’t give enough but it wasn’t his fault he was so in love with a girl that just didn’t put him first.”

Is she talking about the same girl Tom mentioned?

“What happened?” You asked, hoping she will give you some informations.

“I think it’s Harrison’s duty to tell you that. Don’t sweat it, she is in the past, look at him now! He is over the moon ever since he met you. I would gladly have someone like him in my life, don’t stress much he adores you.”

Every girl would love to have someone like him undoubtably.

Harrison made you enjoy the blissful time you had together, always showing you how a beauteous girl you really were, especially to him.

That is the only thing that mattered.

-

“This is why I don’t go to events like this.” You uttered monotonously, eyeing the dim house that was a mess already.

Usually when you attended parties like this your mind and eyes would be focused on Tom that would chat and flirt with various girls around, making you look so miserable and disconsolate that it was actually tragical.

Tonight it was just Harrison that made you actually exhilarated.

You’re eyes were roaming through the crowd, searching for the familiar blue eyes.

You were so engaged in the search, that you didn’t feel or see Tom who was a few steps away from you, staring at your figure.

He already found the petite blonde from the previous party here, sharing a few innocent kisses with her.

However she became bland, dull right when you stepped inside the house.

Tom never saw you like this. It wasn’t your style, you would say always to him how that kind of dresses were lacking originality. Guess everyone changes their mind.

He wasn’t drunk, but you sure made him feel intoxicated and that terrified him. You were just so beautiful, genuinely beautiful.

“Don’t be so afraid to let love into your heart, you’re a lovely person Tom.” The words haunted him as well as your sweet voice from that evening. He would lie if he said he didn’t consider that. Especially after the kiss you shared that made his stomach turn upside down.

You were still standing there, playing with the edges of your tight black dress that was wrapped around your figure perfectly.

At that moment he was pushing himself to go where you were standing, the girl he was with was talking to her friends so she wouldn’t even notice that he was gone for a minute.

Who would have thought that a ladies man like him would struggle to go talk to a girl.

He took a deep breath, starting to walk towards you, however he froze immediately seeing Harrison wrapping his hands around your waist.

Tom’s jaw was clenching, eyes still on his two best friends that looked so content.

“Fuck this.” He muttered, turning around to go look for his friends.

You on the other hand were shaking.

Harrison was feeling anxious as well. He became even more nervous when he saw you.

His instant thought was how winsome you looked and how much he was lucky that a girl like you was interested in him.

The broad smile was pure, real and he didn’t want to hide it.

“Love, you look astonishing tonight.” He whispered in your ear, giggles escaping past your lips.

“Oh please, you’re stealing all the looks tonight for sure.” You placed one hand on his chest, loving how talking wasn’t making you feel uneasy like the first time.

“Stealing them now only because a stunning lady is by my side.”

“But I kinda don’t want others to stare.” He added, cupping your cheeks carefully kissing you, not wanting to wait a second anymore.

God he was dreaming about your pinkish lips that tasted like cherry. It was driving him crazy how a girl could made him feel like this.

The butterflies erupted in his stomach during the kiss, just the thought that he will ask you tonight to be his got him all thrilled.

“If you keep smiling like that I won’t be able to restrain myself. Gosh you have the most softest lips.” He stated, rubbing small circles on your cheek.

“Who says you should restrain yourself?” You asked, smirking at him.

He let out a bashful chuckle, going in for another kiss but he was forestalled by you. Harrison could see how relaxed you were in his hands, softly moving your lips in a perfect rhythm.

“A drink my lady?” He spoke, stroking your hip.

“Absolutely.”

-

“So did he ask you?”

It was just you girls now. Harry, Harrison and Tom were on the other side of the garden, to engaged in a silly game.

“No.” You spitted, eyes glued on his body and Tom’s as well.

They weren’t alone, girls were practically jumping on them.

“If you keep staring at him like that you’re eyes will fall out.” Amelia laughed, looking at your face that didn’t show any emotion.

“Good, because I don’t want to look at that.”

Harrison was clearly not interested in that brunette that was trying her best to seduce him, you saw it, but the sight was still bothering you.

“Look, he is clearly giving her signals that he is not fascinated by her.” Anna pointed at the table they were standing next to.

“And then look at our Tom. He is eye fucking that girl right there in front of everybody. They are definitely two different worlds I don’t know how these two are best friends, but you sure don’t need to worry about Harrison babe.”

That was true. She had her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest. It was obvious they are going home together tonight.

It was the same girl you saw him with at Harry’s house. Looks like he got the message about settling down.

Is he then going to realize that this between you won’t function?

Too much unanswered questions.

“Having fun without us?” The sound of chairs moving made you look up from your boring drink.

“Looks like you had fun without us.” Mel said, tapping Tom’s back.

“Hey.” Harrison whispered, running his thumb up and down your shoulder.

“Hey.” Your voice flat, mouth set in a hard line when you saw the blonde approaching your table.

“Here you go Tom.” She gave the drink to him, her honeyed voice filling your ears.

“Thanks a lot love. This is Gracie, Gracie these are my friends.” Tom introduced her to the group, bringing her closer to his body.

She looked gorgeous, she was probably a good girl as well. It was just the jealousy that made you think otherwise.

You glanced into their direction every minute, hoping Tom’s eyes would already be looking at you. However he was too focused on his girl.

You tried to stop thinking about him because you knew you didn’t even cross his mind.

“You look incredible Y/N, I know I already told you but I thought you needed to hear it once more.” Harrison spoke lowly in you ear, the hot breath tickling your skin making you chuckle.

“You two are making my heart swell with happiness honestly.” Anna grabbed the attention from everyone. Their eyes fixed on you two cuddling.

“Man..Harrison couldn’t keep his mouth shut after his date, believe me Y/N you were in my dreams that night because he was talking non-stop about you.” Harry added, making the whole group laugh at how Harrison was smitten.

“Fuck off mate, it’s not my fault that she is the most amazing and loving person I’ve met.” Harrison replied, wanting to show absolutely every person how much he liked you.

You just hid your face in his chest from the stares and whistles that came after Harrison’s words. They were all smiling, Gracie as well, happy to see you two in love.

However Tom was battling with the pang of jealousy that he felt towards the couple.

Tom was trying to stop looking at you the whole night, shit he even grabbed Gracie to keep him company just so he could try erase the picture of you kissing him and moaning underneath him.

Why did he have such strong emotions for you? There was no way he was feeling something more. You were really good friends and the sex was just a bonus.

Was he wrong? Did he just deny that because he didn’t want to start anything more than sex? Or because he didn’t want to hurt Harrison?

“I’m sorry I need to go to the bathroom.” You excused yourself.

This was Tom’s chance to go see you.

Thank God everyone else was standing up from the table at that moment, so he could made something up and not look suspicious.

“Want a drink? I’m gonna need a refill.” He asked Gracie, praying that she won’t offer to go with him.

“Sure, the usual.” She answered, placing a kiss near the corner of his mouth.

Tom just rushed inside, hoping there wasn’t a lot of people upstairs.

You were stepping outside the bathroom at that moment, Tom catching you completely off guard.

“Fucking hell, you scared me.” You screeched, catching your breath.

“Calm down love, it’s just me.” He trapped you, your back was pressed against the wall and his body was close to yours.

“What do you need.” It wasn’t a question because you could assume what he wanted.

“Just wanted to talk. Was trying to come to you the whole night but looks like Osterfield didn’t give me a single chance.” He gave you a lopsided grin, eyes travelling from your breasts to your lips that looked so kissable at that moment.

“God Y/N why are you messing with mind like this?” He thought to himself.

“He didn’t stop you from doing anything. You just had a great time with Gracie, that’s why you probably didn’t have the time or chance to come and talk to me.” You responded in a gravelly tone.

“What’s the matter love? This is not about Gracie now.” He lifted his hand to your face to stroke your flushed cheek gently, but you were not buying it, removing his hand instantly.

You craved the feeling of his lips and hands around your body, but you were just so distracted by the image of him and her that you refused to do something.

“And it’s not about Harrison either.”

You were both jealous, but to stubborn to say it.

After all you two were nothing, so the term jealousy would sound ridiculous since you agreed that you both could have someone during this deal.

“Yeah? Well you were so into him the whole night, sharing kisses, innocent touches and all that sweet shit that you couldn’t even say hi to me.” He raised his voice, not ready for a fight that was absolutely unnecessary.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now Tom? What should I do? Leave my date and go looking for you? Do you hear yourself now? I like him and he likes me of course I will enjoy my time with him! Why are you all of a sudden so bitter about it?” You were fuming.

It was so confusing, why is he so angry about it now?

“And if I’m correct you shared a good amount of kisses as well, hell you almost fucked her in front of everybody. You’re being stupid right now.”

“You’re so hot when you’re jealous.” He murmured, not giving you a chance to say anything.

Tom pinned you back against the wall smashing his lips to yours. You didn’t push him, fuck you wanted him how could you?

It was a rough and steamy make out, his hands were squeezing your sides during it, and yours were lost in his hair.

A shallow groan escaped from your mouth, making Tom dip his tongue past your lips.

The adrenaline was running through your body, you two were in front of the bathroom anyone could pass by and see you.

“Fuck, T-Tom we need to stop someone could come.” You broke the kiss, breathing heavily.

“Fuck this stupid party I want you.” He responded, trying to kiss you again.

“Tom seriously, we need to go back before someone suspects something.”

“Not fair sweetheart..I just want to have my time with you. Like others.” Tom was feeling like a child when a toy would be taken away from them.

“Tomorrow, movie night? I’m free the whole day.” You suggested, biting your lip when he pressed a sloppy kiss to your neck.

“Sounds perfect beautiful.”

“G-good, now I need to go find Harrison before he thinks something happened.” You uttered, marching towards the stairs.

Fuck Harrison, fuck Gracie, fuck everyone.

He raked his fingers through his hair, thinking about Harrison.

Tom and him were best mates and he wanted him to be happy, he really did. But he turned out as a shit friend possibly getting attached to his friend’s soon to be girlfriend.

-

You were walking through the crowd, hoping someone from your group would eventually show up. Your legs were hurting, you were still in shock from the make out and Tom’s words were echoing in your ears.

Were you really that obvious? Did Harrison suspect a thing about your jealousy towards Tom and Gracie?

A large pair of hands stopped you in your tracks. The well known warmth made you relax, turning your face to the person.

“Looking for someone?” He asked, placing his palm on your lower back.

“Ah no one special really, just a very handsome guy that I daydreamed about ever since we went out.” You continued the act, making you both grin.

“Oh really? Would you maybe want to go to my place and tell me more about him? He wouldn’t mind don’t worry.”

“Why not?” You accepted it, heart skipping a beat when you thought about possibly becoming his girlfriend.

This was so tough.

Tom then Harrison. Both of them made your mind go crazy, both of them were incredibly hot. But they were so different.

Anna was right, they were two different worlds. Tom had that reputation, he loved to see girls around him all the time. However there was something that made your body always go mad when he was near you. Also not to mention your long crush that you couldn’t throw away, that made it even more difficult.

On the other side there was Harrison, a soft-hearted and warm person that was totally your type. There was nothing wrong, you wanted to be with him so bad, there was a spark between you without a doubt.

You knew that he was the one you should go for. You knew it because he would make you forget everything and everyone when you were with him.

Even Tom.

He showed you how much he liked you and how much he wanted you, maybe it’s about time to show him that you wanted him as well.

Maybe the feelings and the crush on Tom should be forgotten just like the deal until he doesn’t make up his mind and shows what he really needed.

-

Tag List

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[aswallowssong]

Second Child, Restless Child

Chapter 9 - The Devil Whispered Lies

@valkyrie-5583

Read on AO3

If I told y'all I got engaged and that's why this chapter is literally a billion years late, would that make it better??

Jokes aside (not really a joke, I did get engaged, I just hid it in the notes a few weeks ago) spring break is one week away for this teacher, and my goal is to write a whole bunch so I can not have to post chapters like... 2 months apart.

Let me know what you think of this one!! Have a lovely day!!

Continuation of chapter 8 - Heaven Knows How Hard I Tried. The Keystone Killer has given Kit a lot to think about; including some things she wasn't quite counting on.

Kit wasn’t quite listening when they walked back into the precinct. Her conversation with JJ earlier in the day had helped. If JJ had met pushback, but now she was allowed to be a full part of the BAU team, she should stand up for herself. The director himself saw all of her reports, she could tell Ramos she disagreed with him. Especially if, for the time being, her work was good enough for the literal director of the whole FBI.

But her talk with Hotch outside of Harbin’s house hadn’t done her a lot of good. Her mind was still reeling from the events of the last hour, she still hadn’t slept since Friday night, and it was actively Sunday. 

What brought her back to reality was Morgan’s voice, deep and steady at the front of their group. It caught her up to the present so quickly she almost stopped short, which would have sent Hotch right into her.

“Well, that's got to be a first. A killer actually leading us to another killer.”

“Come on,” Gideon said from further back, “we all know they make the best profilers. They admire each other's work.”

“Ya, but usually from afar,” Elle said as they spilled into the conference room.

Kit didn’t even let herself imagine sitting down. There was no way she would be able to stay awake when she had nothing of value to add. At this point, she was waiting to get back on the jet and back to her apartment. The image of Claudia was twisting in her mind, and she couldn’t help the desperate need she had to see Monty face to face.

Hotch didn’t let her stay in her head for very long. “At least we got Harbin off the street. All right, let's review. What do we know about the Keystone Killer?”

He’s killing women at an alarming rate.

“Well, we know that he's not dead or in jail,” Elle offered.

Gideon continued. “Enjoys taunting the game.”

“Ya,” Morgan agreed easily. “He's in complete control.”

Reid was quick to add on, statistics rattling from him easier than Kit was even keeping her eyes open. “He strangled seven women in the 1980's, stopped for eighteen years, and then began again suffocating them. Ten percent of all violent crimes are caused by strangulation, it only takes eleven pounds of pressure to fully incapacitate your victim and if you hang on for at least fifty seconds, they will never recover.”

“Yeah,” Kit said, stopping short once she’d realized the words had come from her mouth, not someone else’s. Everyone’s eyes were on her, and she took a moment before she voiced the fact her brain had produced for her, however reluctantly. “It’s one of the most lethal forms of violence. Victims can be unconscious in a matter of ten seconds.”

Hotch shook his head, confusion pushing from his before he said, “When you suffocate someone you actually have less control over their death. It's actually more passive because the killer doesn't feel the life leaving the body.”

“He's changed almost everything that he does,” Elle said. She was lost, mild annoyance and confusions coming off her in waves. Elle had joined the team just as JJ did, and Kit wondered if she ever felt as completely baffled as she herself felt.

In that moment, it felt like the answer could be yes, and that was comforting.

Gideon took over then, speaking to them as a whole in a series of questions. “Why why why why? What? I mean, what's he getting out of this new M. O.? Where's his payoff? You got Carla Bromwell, she sustains a significant head injury. Blitz attacks suggest disorganization, no self-confidence. This is a guy who walks into seven victims' homes prior to this. There was no forced entry at any of the scenes. Where's the loss of confidence?”

There was a beat of silence, and she really hoped anyone had any idea. It was moments like these that made Kit feel the most out of her element. She had no idea why the Keystone Killer would want to kill anyone anyway, how could she know why he would change his methods?

“He would never change the way he kills by choice,” Ryan said, breaking the silence.

“What?” 

Ryan spoke again, confident in a way the rest of the team lacked. “We've been operating under the assumption that he purposely changed his M. O.”

It was like something physically snapped into place. Kit looked around as everyone was suddenly much more engaged. 

“You're saying he changed because he had to change?” Gideon asked.

“He knocked her unconscious. And it wasn't to scare.”

Elle seemed to be catching on, and Kit wished selfishly she wasn’t. “Because he couldn't control her physically while she was awake.”

Ryan nodded. “He could be incapacitated.”

Gideon latched back on. “At least partially.”

“Maybe an injury.” 

“Or a stroke,” Hotch added, and Gideon started nodding. “Either way you're gonna have to have medical records. Agreed?”

It took her more than a few seconds to notice that no one had said anything else, and she looked over at Gideon, who was looking directly at her.

Why is he looking at me? He never looks at me? We have a spoken rule to not look at one another during cases so why is he looking right at me?

“Colghain?” he said, and she shook her head. He most certainly was looking at her for an answer, and everyone else had gone quiet so she could answer.

“Yeah.” She said, and she saw Ryan raise an eyebrow in annoyance before she stumbled over herself to continue her answer. “Yeah, yes, sorry. Yes. There would be injury reports, charts, notes, scripts. It’s a lot of records, depending on who your doctor is and what hospital you’re at.”

There was another pause before they were all nodding, taking in what she’d said and running with it.

Morgan was first to speak. “Okay, so what are we talking about? This had to have happened after the middle of 1988 in Philadelphia?”

Gideon nodded, first at Kit, and then to Morgan. “Somebody who fits the rest of the profile.”

“It's a lot of hospital records,” Reid said, also looking towards Kit, who nodded her affirmation. “There’s hoards of people going into ERs every day for exactly those sorts of things. It’ll be a huge pool.”

He smiled at her, and she found herself taken a bit aback, but returned his grin with a shy one of her own.

“Call our girl Friday,” Gideon said, directed to Morgan, and as the flurry of movement and new hope danced through the room, she found herself feeling much less tired than she did before.

She’d been helpful. Gideon had known she was an expert about something and asked for her agreement and input before simply inserting a thought. 

Her feelings were incredibly jumbled as she stood there, waiting for directions. Gideon’s affirmation made her feel better than she thought it would, considering they didn’t usually talk if not to argue. JJ’s conversation still lingered in the back of her mind, and she wanted to talk to Ramos. If JJ could stand up to the coms department and get what she wanted, why couldn’t she stand up to Ramos?

But Claudia filled the leftover space in her consciousness, and she didn’t know if she could fight for more time with the BAU, or to try to be more fully integrated, or whatever it was that she actually wanted if the cases were going to stay with her.

To scare her. To make her feel like she needed to know that her sisters were alright, even though there was no way to do that while knees deep in a case. 

What do you even want, Kody? What do you want?

She didn’t have an answer for herself.

-----

Kit stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom of the precinct and splashed another cupful of water onto her face, holding her cheeks in her hands a moment before looking up at her reflection. 

You look exhausted.

Monty’s voice, as always, chided her. Sometimes she wished the voice of her overinvolved consciousness was her brother Al instead. Alaska couldn’t be bothered over things like that. His biggest qualm in life was the fact that his name was Alaska, and it had been quickly remedied by Ari telling him he could just go by Alex at school. 

You’ve got bigger problems than that. You’re having a moment in a police precinct in Philly while the rest of your team waits on a comprehensive file to be faxed. 

A feeling of dread shot through her chest at the realization that Monty didn’t even know she was gone. She’d been so tired and so incredibly thrown by Garcia’s text, and then Hotch’s insistence that she was on the jet that she hadn’t thought to walk down and tell Ari she was leaving. He’d been on the clinic floor; out of sight, out of mind. Then she was on the jet, and then at the crime scene. 

She hadn’t even sent a text. 

Hell, she hadn’t even really slept since then. Her time in the jet and her few minutes in the car were nowhere near what she needed, and with all the feelings and thoughts she had flying around her head, she was surprised she hadn’t crashed. She was definitely feeling “Big Feelings,” and she didn’t have time for it.

Ari and Monty always helped the big feelings. They had to be wondering where she was. Why hadn’t they called her? Or texted? They had to be worried. Girls didn’t just go missing in the middle of the day.

But they do. And worse, they’re murdered too. Right out of nowhere for no reason at all. People are sick, Kody. They kill for pleasure. They kidnap for pleasure. They’ll take anyone at any time. 

She had her phone out and dialed in record time.

“Penelope’s hotline for all things truth. Speak and know.”

“Garcia.” She swiped at her eyes. When had she started crying? “I need a favor.”

“Oh, Kit, hey.” Her voice was as sunny as always. “I’ve got that file almost through, the medical was-”

“It’s not about the case.”

There was silence on the other line for a moment. “Oh?”

“If I gave you the first and last name, could you trace a cell phone?”

“A cell phone? As long as it’s registered to the same name, yeah, I can. Why?”

“Virginia.” She said. “Virginia Colghain.”

She didn’t know why she picked Ginny. Something inside her said that Seese, George, and Lina would be at home with their mam. Ginny lived in the city, and Kit couldn’t call her. 

Ginny didn’t know she was in the field. Ginny didn’t even know she’d been paired with the BAU.

“Where should it be? Just so I know what I’m looking for.”

“Probably the US Attorney's office.”

“Which branch?”

“The one in the district. On fourth street.”

Garcia hummed as she typed, the clicking of her keystrokes halting as she said, “Wait. Wait, Colghain?”

Kit bit her lip. She was sort of hoping Garcia wouldn’t notice. 

Which is stupid, because of course she’d notice.

“Yes.”

“Virginia Colghain?”

“Yes, Garcia, can you track it or not?” Kit glanced at herself in the mirror, letting her reflection ground her. She tugged at one braid, and then the other with her free hand before wiping at her eyes again.

The clicking started again before Garcia said, “Virginia Colghain’s phone is, in fact, inside the US Attorney’s office on fourth street.”

Kit breathed a sigh of relief. While it wasn’t proof that Ginny was okay, it certainly helped Kit’s nerves. “Thanks, Penelope. Sorry about that.”

“Sure, my sweet clover. But, why don’t you just call her and ask where she is? I’m going to assume that’s one of your many many siblings.”

Because I haven’t quite told her I’m working with the BAU now, or going in the field again, and I’m not ready to have that conversation with her just yet, considering no one knows but Ari and Monty.

“I don’t want to interrupt her at work, I just needed to know she was okay.”

Garcia was quiet again before saying, “You know, we’ll get him. My system has faxed almost all the papers now, and then you can go bring him in.”

Kit took a breath, glancing again at the reflection in the mirror. She almost didn’t recognize the face staring back at her. Had she always looked so sad?

“Thanks, Pen,” she said quietly. “I, um. I’ve gotta go.”

“Go fight crime, clover. But, hey,” Penelope’s voice took on a different quality. A serious one. “You and I should talk when you get back.”

She sighed, but nodded. “Okay… bye, Penelope.”

Kit hung up the phone.

Ginny was fine. She knew that it was a given, and she probably just looked like a crazy, paranoid moron, but she also knew deep down that Penelope didn’t care. Maybe she understood.

Before she could convince herself otherwise she hit the first position speed dial, pacing a bit in front of the sinks as it rang.

“Dia dhuit?” Came Monty’s groggy, listless voice over the line, and Kit nearly burst into tears at the combination of her sister’s voice, her real voice, and their mother tongue.

“Monty.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Where are you? Thought you were in the living room, but I only hear you on the phone.”

Kit wiped at a stray tear trailing down her cheek. There was no way she was keeping it together when she finally got home.

Monty’s accented Irish was thicker than it normally was. Her voice was lower too, telling of the fact that she quite possibly woke her twin up. She bit back a bit of guilt, her own voice launching into a language just for them.

“I’m sorry, I woke you, didn't I?”

“It’s alright, I’ll go back when we’re done. Where are you?”

“Are you feeling any better?” She was stalling. “When was the last time you took-”

“Dakota.” Kit stopped in her tracks. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything is fine.”

“But why are you crying?”

Damn it.

She tried to keep any tremor out of her voice, but she knew Monty would always be able to tell. “I’m not.”

“Why are you calling me, crying-”

Kit sighed, her pacing stopping dead in its tracks as she tried to keep herself together. “Everything is okay. I’m not hurt. I’m fine. Everyone is fine. I needed to hear your voice.”

The coughing across the line was grating, and then, “Kody, where are you? What are you talking about? What’s going on?”

“I…” Kit started, steadying herself with a hand on the counter. “We’re in Pennsylvania.” 

“You’re what?” 

“It’s fine, I had to leave overnight. We’re on a case.”

“You didn’t call,” Monty said, obviously upset. “You didn’t even send a text. Ari was at the bureau last night, too, why-” She cut herself off to cough, the line being muffled as Monty pulled away from the speaker.

Kit ran her hand down her face. This wasn’t the conversation she needed to be having. She should have called Ari. He tended to be a little more level headed when he was upset. 

“Why wouldn’t you say anything?” Monty finally asked, voice much rougher than before. “What if something happened?”

“Nothing is going to happen,” Kit said, her voice more steady than she felt it should be. “I’m sorry, Mont. I’m so sorry. I know I should have told you.”

“Why…” Monty trailed for a moment before she said quietly, “Why did you call now?”

Claudia’s face flashed to the front of her mind, and then Monty’s; the reflection of her own staring back at her in the mirror. 

“I needed to hear your voice. I had to know you were alright.”

Another moment of silence passed before Monty asked, “Something happened, didn’t it?”

Kit sighed, sniffling quietly before letting out another, deeper sigh. “I don’t know if I can do this, Mont.”

The door to the bathroom swung open, JJ standing on the other side.

“Hey, the whole file finally came through, we’re meeting in the- are you crying?” 

Kit’s head whipped around to look at JJ square, and she hastily wiped under her eyes. “No, I, um. I’ll be right there.”

JJ tilted her head, but nodded and shut the door again. The air between the twins crackled quietly before Kit cleared her throat.

“I have to go. I… hopefully I’ll be home tonight. I’m sorry, Montana. I am.”

“Kody, wait-”

“I love you, Mont, I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t just say those things and then go put yourself in danger! You can’t do that to me! I-”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I-” The door to the bathroom was pounded on. “Lep! Let’s go!”

Derek.

“Dakota!”

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

Before Monty could say anything else, Kit snapped her phone shut. 

------

Her leg bounced as she sat in the SUV in between Reid and Elle. She was twisting at the hem of her shirt, and some of the threads had ripped and stretched. It was keeping her from pulling on her hair though, so she didn’t care about that. Ginny could sew it for her when they got back to DC.

If Ginny’s still there. Anyone could grab her at any time. Anyone could-

“Are you okay?” Reid asked quietly, his eyes locked on her fingers as they tugged at the material.

She stilled her hands immediately, feeling the concern dripping from his tone.

“Yeah,” she said. “Just… tired.”

“You could probably sit out if you need to,” he said, not noticing the way her face had started to heat up. Everyone in the SUV was actively pretending they couldn’t hear their conversation, but Kit knew better.

“I don’t need to,” she said quickly. “I just want to get home, so the faster we cuff this creep, the better."

"Because of your sister?"

"What?"

How could he have possibly known what you were thinking about Ginny? Did you say something? Did-

"Your sister's sick, right?"

She stared at him for a moment before it clicked. He wasn't talking about Ginny. Of course he wasn't, the only one that knew about her minor meltdown was Garcia. Monty being sick was common knowledge. 

"Oh," she said. "Yeah. And because he's, you know." She gestured vaguely. "Murdering women."

Elle laughed quietly next to her, nodding as she said, “Right, there’s that. We’ll get him. Right, Gideon?”

“Oh, we’ll get him,” Gideon said, sending more anticipatory energy into the world than usual. Kit didn’t have to think about the implications of that, though, as the SUV came to a halt outside a two story home.

They got out of the van quickly, all thoughts of Monty and going home gone as they strapped into Kevlar vests and double checked their weapons.

“I believe Walter Kern is in Sylvia Gooden's home now,” Gideon said, addressing the five of them and the SWAT captain. “Hotch confirmed he left the community center hours ago, and Kern's car's parked on the next block.”

“I want Walter Kern alive,” Ryan said quickly, and the SWAT captain nodded at his request. “I'll stand by for the word.”

“Reid, Greenaway, I'll call you when we've secured Kern. Morgan, Colghain, you’re with me and Ryan. Okay, let's move out.”

“Yeah,” Elle said, watching them as they walked away, Kit trailing just behind. 

It didn’t feel right to her that she was going and Elle was staying back, but that was one of the reasons she was even on the team.

Or, working with them, at least. There’d been too many conversations surrounding that topic for her to understand her feelings about it.

They crept towards the house, pausing as the SWAT team pried the door open. Gideon led and Kit held the rear, covering and watching to make sure that nothing happened to them. Team or not, they were her responsibility.

They weren’t in the house for very long before they could hear Gooden crying for help on the second floor. Every movement they made was succinct, and within seconds they were in the room.

“Don't move! Don't move!” Gideon yelled, all weapons drawn at Kern as he tried to hold a plastic bag over Gooden’s face.

They scuffled for a moment, Morgan able to knock Kern’s gun out of the way before holding his arms behind his back. “Down on your knees! Down! Don't move!”

Kit held her gun steady, shifting into a position that allowed her to still have a sightline on Kern; at least until he was cuffed. Not that she believed he could get out of Morgan’s hold.

Gideon spoke quickly into the com, letting Reid and Elle know that Gooden was alive, and Kern was secure.

Morgan struggled a bit to keep Kern’s hands together, and Kit didn’t change her aim. “Cuff him, Morgan.”

“Gideon, I need your cuffs, man,” he said over his shoulder.

Gideon didn’t move right away, but Kit didn’t take her eyes off Kern. She couldn’t until she knew he didn’t have any chance of getting away.

“Why don't you do this? I'll take care of her.” Gideon had spoken to Ryan, who had clearly been soothing Gooden until that moment. 

"That's enough. Now get up,” Morgan said, passing him off so Ryan could cuff him. “You got him?”

“Ya, I got him,” Ryan said, and Kit lowered her weapon as she heard the click of the cuffs secure around Kern’s wrists.

“Colghain,” Gideon said, “Some help, please.”

Kit turned quickly, realizing that Sylvia Gooden, who had just been nearly suffocated, was still crying and panicking with flex cuffs around her wrists. 

She wasn’t done yet.

The two steps to the bed were swift, and Gideon stepped aside as she spoke to the traumatized woman. “Hi, my name is Kit. I’m a nurse, and I’m going to check and make sure you’re okay. Is it alright if I touch you?”

Gooden looked up at her for a moment before she nodded stiffly, taking a deep breath before dissolving into hysterics. 

Kit grabbed her hands and squeezed gently, giving the older woman a small smile despite all the crazy going on around them.

“You’re going to be okay,” she said. “I promise. It’s all going to be okay.”

-----

Kit sat next to Reid on the jet, which was odd, because she normally tried to keep herself as far away from everyone as possible. She’d gotten a very strange read off of Hotch, though, who had secluded himself in the corner she usually would have taken, so she figured the conversation would keep her awake if anything else.

It didn’t stop her from propping a blue notebook open in her lap and tapping at it quietly with her pen. They were laughing at a story Ryan was telling about Gideon that made him seem almost human, and the laughter she shared was genuine. Gideon had stepped aside for her to take the lead with Gooden, which meant he was going to be true to his word when they were in the field. Stay out of each other’s way, and things will be fine. 

She just hoped it would last.

“What goes in that notebook?”

She looked up at Reid’s voice, noticing that while she’d allowed herself to be in her own head for fifteen seconds, everyone had splintered into their own conversations. Elle had even walked away from them, and was now engaged in a quiet conversation with Hotch.

“Hm?”

He nodded down at the blue notebook in her lap. “What goes in there? I’ve only ever seen the red one, and that’s where you write all of our medical information, and things that happen to us medically during cases. Like when I was sick in New Jersey. But that didn’t happen this time, nothing did, and that notebook is blue, and it’s much more worn, and -” He stopped short, frowning. “I’m rambling.”

She shook her head quickly. “No, it’s alright. I don’t mind. I was waiting for you to be done before I answered your question.”

Reid’s eyes widened a bit, his jaw dropping for just a moment before he seemed to right himself. “Most people don’t wait until I’m done.”

“It’s a skill I picked up in college. It’s hard to help someone if you won’t listen to their entire story.”

“Huh,” he said. He seemed to think on that for a moment before he said, “So, what’s it for?”

She blinked up at him. “Oh.”

She hadn’t thought she’d actually have to answer. She was sort of hoping that he would talk himself in circles until he was on another topic completely. He’d done it a few times over the short time she’d known him.

“Oh?”

“Well, it��s sort of personal,” she settled on.

“Like a journal? A diary?”

If he noticed she was blushing, he didn’t let on. “A little bit, it’s like-” She stopped short as she saw JJ move from her seat towards the coffee machine, and her brain flipped a completely different switch. “Sorry, I need to talk to JJ,” she said, and before he could protest, she’d dropped the notebook on her seat and was across the short length of the plane.

“Hey, JJ,” she said, causing the blonde to turn around and smile. 

“Hey, coffee?”

“No, actually I-” She hadn’t quite thought the rest out. “I um.”

She found her hands grabbing for the ends of her hair, but she stopped herself before she could start tugging. She was far too late on her meds, which were officially out of whack, considering the fact that she hadn’t slept in two days. She wasn’t even sure what day it was.

“Is today Sunday?” She said, which was not at all how she’d intended to start the conversation she wanted to have. 

JJ laughed. “I have no idea. Maybe? When we left it was the middle of the night, so I would need to check my phone.”

“Right,” Kit said, easing a bit and giving a quiet laugh of her own. “I um. Well, I wanted to tell you that I thought about what you said.”

JJ tilted her head, eyebrows pulling together. “What I said?”

“What you said about pushing back.”

“Ah,” JJ said, eyes flashing with recognition. “And?”

“I… Claudia really threw me.”

Her head tilted before she said, “The woman they found under the bed?”

Kit shivered. “Yeah.” She didn’t regard the moment with fondness. 

JJ didn’t seem to notice. She thought for a moment before shrugging. “I heard Morgan telling Gideon that you were incredible with her. That you didn’t leave when EMS got there because she didn’t want you to.”

Kit shook her head quickly, deflecting the praise. “I didn’t really do anything. She just… I don’t think she wanted all those men around her without another woman around.”

“And you were that woman for her.”

Kit stopped for a moment, watching JJ’s eyes soften. She was going to deflect again - insist that she’d done exactly what anyone else would have done, but something stopped her. 

“I want to be here,” she heard herself saying. She hadn’t had time to process it herself, but it seemed she was going to do it outloud, in real time. “I want to be a part of this, but I’m scared. Because there will be more Claudias. And more Sylvias… And more Kerns.” She moved a hand to play with the seam at the hip of her slacks. “And we won’t always get there in time. I won’t always get there in time.”

The two women stood in silence for a moment before JJ reached out and took Kit’s right hand off her braid, squeezing it gently between her own fingers.

“But we’ll always try. And sometimes?” She shrugged. “We win.”

Kit took a deep breath, allowing that thought to fill her senses. Sylvia Gooden was alive. Claudia was alive. Kern lost. 

“I think you should talk to Hotch when we get back. Not now. You look exhausted.”

They both laughed, Kit’s a little lackluster. “It’s that obvious?”

“You’ve got two black eyes.”

“Damn.” Kit shook her head, averting her eyes from JJ’s before saying, “Thank you. For listening and telling me what you knew and for making me feel like I deserve to be here.”

JJ nodded, saying simply, “You do.” She gestured to the coffee machine again. “You sure you don’t want some?”

Kit laughed, shaking her head again. “No, really, I shouldn’t. My body doesn’t know what time it is already, I think that would put me in dangerous territory.”

She stood on the Red Line platform, struggling to keep her eyes open. She pinched the skin between her thumb and forefinger, trying anything subtle to get her from point A to point B as quickly as possible. It was already dark, and she didn’t need to fall asleep on the train, or worse, while standing and waiting for the train. 

That would really cap this weekend. Falling asleep on the train, missing your stop, getting abducted…

“Do you have a headache?”

“Ah!” She jumped, turning over her shoulder and swearing loudly. “Reid, what the hell?”

“Sorry!” He said, ducking just a bit, as if he was worried she was going to strike him. “That pressure point is effective in relieving headaches, grounding panic attacks, and quelling nausea. Are you sick?”

She groaned and rolled her eyes. “No, that’s not- I know exactly what this pressure point is used for Spencer, what the hell are you doing here? At my train stop? Again? I told you that I don’t-”

“I wanted to make sure you got home safely,” he said quickly, cutting her off before she could really get going. The anxious sincerity flooding off of him stopped her long enough for him to continue. “The odds of being accosted on the Red Line are significantly lower than the Blue, but you’re exhausted, and this case made you nervous, so I just wanted to be sure you…” He slowed, a dark flush rising in his cheeks. “Got home safe. Which I’m sure you can on your own, because your field scores dwarf mine. I, um…”

He had stuttered to a halt.

He’s embarrassed. And he wanted to help you.

She didn’t have time or energy to process the fact that he’d most definitely profiled her. The sentiment was sort of touching.

Sort of, as far as Spencer Reid was concerned. 

“This… isn’t a Gideon thing?”

Reid chuckled quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets. “No. It’s, ah, a me thing. Gideon offered me a ride home, but I said no.”

She tilted her head at him, frowning as the train squealed into the station. “No shit?”

He laughed again, shaking his head and offering a small smile, his cheeks still flushed, but relief in his eyes. “No shit.”

“...Fine. But only because I’m really tired… You know, you could have said all this, or offered, in the bullpen, right? You didn’t have to follow me to the train like a stalker.”

The blush flooded his cheeks again, and he shrugged, unable to meet her eyes. “I didn’t want you to yell at me or something in front of everyone else.”

Her heart sank. 

Look what you’ve done, Kody. You made him anxious to be alone with you because he thinks you’re some crazy person that’s going to fly off the handle.

Well, aren’t you?

“I wouldn’t do that, Spencer,” She said, starting towards the train door. “I appreciate the concern… thanks.”

He looked up, eyes flashing a combination of relief and hesitance. “Oh. Yeah. Ah, yeah, sure.”

They sat down inside the train, Kit immediately leaning her head against the window. She sighed, closing her eyes.

Maybe Reid isn’t so bad. Maybe he’ll stay quiet, or read the whole way and you can actually get a short-

“You know, there’s a staggering amount of germs on the window on a DC train. Approximately 45% of people…”

-----

Spencer stalked away from her door, his long legs making him look somewhat like a baby giraffe as he turned to descend the stairs. He gave a last, incredibly awkward wave.

“See you tomorrow, Dakota,” he said.

She fought back the instinct to groan. “Bye Reid, thanks.”

He grinned as his head slipped below her sight line and she let out a sigh, her entire body seeming to settle into exhaustion. It was late, and dark, and hopefully she would be able to slip into the apartment and deal with her siblings in the morning before she left for work. She’d talk to Monty then, and Ari at the clinic, and everything would be fine.

She’d need to call Ginny, but she could do that in the morning as well. She needed to sleep first. Sleep, and then deal with whatever came.

Her hand fumbled a bit with the key as she tried to fit it correctly into the door, eyes dry and tired and brain scrambled. The residual jittery, anxious feeling of both the case and messing the the time on her medication wasn’t helping her fine motor skills, and she’d nearly resigned to search through her backpack for the flashlight she kept when the doorknob was ripped away from her hand, the door flying open. 

Something hard slammed into her body, arms wrapping around her in a vice grip and knocking the wind out of her.

Instead of words, there were hitching sobs from her attacker. Congested sounding, sad, and overly frustrated, matched with hot tears that were falling onto her shoulder. She took a breath, wrapping her arms around Monty and holding her as close as she could.

“Shh, it’s okay, dair, I’m okay,” she mumbled quietly, feeling her twin’s arms tighten around her. 

“Don't… ever do that,” Monty managed, voice gravely and tearful. “Never, ever.”

“Oi, Mont, what-” Ari turned the corner, making eye contact with Kit over their sister’s shoulder. She watched physical tension release in his shoulders. “Ah. Okay. Mont, deirfiúr, come in and close the door. She’s okay. We’re fine.”

The mixing of languages wrapped around Kit, filling her like a breath she hadn’t taken in days. Monty let go, rubbing furiously at her streaming eyes as she walked back through the door, settling down on their couch and curling herself into a ball.

Ari pulled Kit through the door, looking at Monty and shaking his head. There was no need for the mix now, they could speak as they did among themselves. “Ah, no, get up. Come on. She’s tired, you’re sick. Bed. Now.”

Kit didn’t know how it happened, but they all ended up in Ari’s bed. Granted, it was the biggest. He didn’t share a room, and he was significantly taller than both she and Monty had ever hoped to be. They’d slept all together as children often, and when they were first living in the district on the floor at Ginny’s, they ended up in some sort of pile of limbs the nights they all worked the same shifts. 

Now they rarely did. Six months before when they were back at home after Al needed to get his appendix out. A year before that when their Grandad had died. Before that? She wasn’t sure she remembered. 

Monty’s head rested on her chest, quiet congested snoring coming from her in even breaths. Her face was flushed; from fever or crying, Kit wasn’t sure.

She’d been nearly pulled into Ari’s lap, and now her head rested on his stomach, rising and falling just slightly as he slept. 

Regardless of how incredibly exhausted she was, she forced herself to stay awake and listen. To feel them breathing. To be sure they were there, and alive.

JJ’s words played in her head. 

You do.

She deserved to be with the BAU. She deserved to be there.

Her senses focused back in on her cúpla, and the stress she’d caused them. The fear. The anxiety.

But do you really want to be?

-----

It's me again!

The plan right now is to make each season (year?) a different story, with a different song as the title and lyrics for the chapters. I'm a music person, this is the only way I operate.

If you've heard a song that made you feel feelings, hit me with it!

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Troublemaker (Before)

Previously on Troublemaker

“See! You’re having a good time!”

The music pulsated through the streets, and Lexa didn’t care that her sister was gloating because she really was having a good time despite all intentions otherwise. The sun was bright and glaring without a cloud in the sky, and downtown was brimming with all colors, alive and vibrant, celebrating. And she as swept up in it, proud and overflowing with the music and freedom of being completely herself and being completely unknown in the crowd. 

It’d been a hard fought battle for her to agree to come with her sister to Pride, but she didn’t have anything else to do, and because of Anya’s need to be an overachiever, something they both ascribed to genetics, she was going to be doing an internship and leaving soon enough, thus cutting their summer together incredibly short. The guilt and her sister’s incessant need to prove a point brought them downtown for the day, and Lexa was almost okay with it.

“I knew you would like it,” Anya gloated, dancing around with her sister in the pulsating group of bodies at the concert in the park. 

“Is it always like this?” 

A gaggle of scantily-clad men moved through in nothing but speedos and suspenders, and Lexa let one of them grab her and twirl her around. The entire day, she’d been absolutely adored and adoring of everyone around her. An inundation of love and support was enough to make her unsure of how to go back to real life.

Her sister watched as Lexa danced, hands up, smiling wide and overjoyed. She enjoyed the fact that her sister came out to her and she could actually do something about it. Though straight, Anya spent her first two years of college taking a crash course in gay when her random roommate was a very out and very proud girl who liked to use Anya as a wngman. She was incredibly helpful in coming up with things to help Lexa feel normal and supported, and Anya was going ot be the best big sister possible. She was that type A.

“Pride is always like this,” Anya promised. “And you get to be super gay anytime you want. Isn’t that great?” 

“You’re worse than mom and dad. They’re like oddly proud to have a gay kid.” 

“Nah, just because you’re you.” 

“Shut up,” Lexa rolled her eyes and moved, wiggling around, goofy and carefree. 

For the entire day, the sisters moved through the crowds, checking out vendors, eating delicious food, listening to speakers, and got decked out in glowing necklaces and rainbows painted on their faces. It was exhausting to be so gay, but Lexa finally understood what she’d been missing in her fear of joining the GSA, and her fear of being out at school. She hadn’t thought about how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about hiding, or at least, not actively living. 

“Thank you,” Lexa offered, as the pair stood on the side of the road for the parade. She hugged her sister as the sun began to set between the tall buildings. “This has been the best day of my life.”

“You’re a sap.” 

“I am not.” 

“You are.” 

“I’m not,” she smiled and danced around, her sister not used to such a carefree girl in front of her. “I’m just super gay-- Oops, I’m so sorr--”

Lexa stopped moving after bumping into someone behind her, not paying attention and living her life too widely and too queerly for such a confined area. She gaped and stared at the body she bumped into, more mortified than she’d been in her entire life. 

The body came attached to a pretty face. A familiar face. A face with bright blue eyes, and a mischievous grin and a messy bunch of wavy blonde hair. A face that had a tongue ring. A face that was attached to the girl who protested the Sadie Hawkins dance, the pep rally, and last year single handedly turned the swimming pool pink for women’s history month.This was the same face that Lexa couldn’t help but stare at anytime she walked by in the halls at school. This was the face that didn’t even know she existed. 

Clarke Griffin stared back in equal parts amazement at the girl who did the bumping. In all of her wildest dreams, she never imagined Lexa Woods, class president, Academic Decathlon team captain, Student of the Quarter, perfect attendance-winning, overall adorable nerd, would be standing next to her at Pride. And not just standing-- dancing, covered in rainbows, and smiling in something other than a primly put together button up shirt with a schedule strapped to her chest. 

“Clarke,” Lexa gulped, unable to say anything else, unable to hide her fear and confusion. “I-I-I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you. I was just… um… ” 

“It’s okay. Kind of close quarters and you were just being super queer,” she returned gracefully as she eyed the entire being of Lexa on summer break. “I didn’t think I’d run into anyone here. I thought everyone left for summer.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Oh, I’m always recruiting people for my zine. Intersectional politics and good music with a queer tint. Honestly, it’s whatever anyone submits. We set up a tiny booth,” Clarke explained, rambling slightly. “And I’m kind of gay.” 

“Kind of?” 

This was incredibly new and important news to Lexa, even if she didn’t know what to do with it.The entire school knew that Clarke ran with the same crowd, a crowd Lexa didn’t know anything about other than idle gossip. And it always looked like she was very close to Bellamy Blake. Romantically close. 

“Bi.”

“You have to go?” 

“No-- no… I’m bisexual.” 

Lexa felt her face burn and she wanted to melt into a puddle, right there in the early June evening. Maybe disappear into the sewer and wash away into the sea for the rest of time. But she didn’t. Instead, she just stood there, in front of the biggest badass tough guy hot girl she’s ever seen in her entire life. 

It was the longest they’d ever spoken, and she’d ruined it in under three minutes after learning that Clarke was gay-ish.

“That’s cool,” she finally managed, earning a small smile. 

Clarke pushed some hair away from her face and scratched her neck, using the pause to look at Lexa’s legs. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t try too much. 

“Is this your first Pride?” 

“Is it that obvious?” Lexa sighed, bashful at her display. 

“No, you look cute. I like the festiveness.” 

That didn’t help anything at all. Lexa looked around for her sister who made herself busy talking to other people and not at all available to bail her out of saying anymore words. 

“I’m gay,” Lexa finally blurted after a prolongued moment of silence. 

“That’s cool.” 

“Thanks.” 

A shout reached them over the noise of the parade, and both looked in that direction. 

“I have to um,” Clarke looked over her shoulder at the group that was calling her name. “I have to go catch up with my friends.”

“Right, yeah, definitely.” 

“It was good to see you, Woods,” she grinned as she backed away. “I hope I get to bump into you again.” 

“Right, yeah! Me, uh. Me too,” Lexa nodded.   

With another wave, Clarke was gone, swept up by her friends as they moved through the crowd. Lexa caught the look that Clarke gave her over her shoulder and she smiled because she got a look back. It might not have meant anything, but it still felt kind of good. 

“Your first Pride, and you’re getting chatted up by a grade A hottie. I’m impressed,” her sister slung her arm over her shoulder. 

“That was just a girl from school.” 

“She was not what I pictured for your type.” 

“I don’t-- I don’t have a type,” Lexa furrowed. 

“Everyone does. It just so happens that yours seems to be punk baddies with probable daddy issues.” 

“There’s no way you could know--”

“She was digging you too, by the way.” 

“There’s no-- I don’t-- She wouldn’t-- That was-- No,” Lexa shook her head. 

“Trust me. I’ve seen gay relief, and that girl was gay relieved you were gay.” 

“That’s not a thing.” 

“Don’t be mad because i have my ear to the ground in the gay community,” Anya shook her head. “I’ll have you know that Kaitlyn said I’d make a great lesbian.”

“Please let me die right here.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

The library on Fourth Street was nearly always empty around the end of lunch time. It seemed to empty out come the hottest part of the day with the normal crowd of parents and kids looking to stay busy during the long summer hours came in for story time and craft projects. 

With no particular impetus to move quickly, Lexa pushed her cart of returns through the aisles and rearranged any messy or disorganized stacks she found. But her head wasn’t particularly in it. 

Instead, Lexa thought about Pride, and replayed the entire interaction with a certain mild degenerate who had a pretty smile, who called her cute, she realized, halfway through overanalyzing it again for the hundredth time. All she could wonder was if this is what having a crush felt? And if so, was it possible to have crush after just three minutes? Nothing really prepared her for this. How could it? He didn’t have time for a crush. She only had to focus and get into the school she wanted. And then she could be who she thought she might want to be. 

“Hey Woods.” 

Lexa stopped as she turned to the next aisle, only to find the exact subject of her internal debate. There was a book tucked into her elbow as she retracted an arm reached out to grab something on a top shelf. Lexa looked to her bare arms, and then to her hips where a flannel was tied, and only subtly hiding her short shorts and some of the long legs and Lexa was gay. 

“I know it’s a library, but I’m sure you can talk a little bit,” Clarke smiled. 

Sunglasses tucked and holding her hair up out of her face, the girl had a motorcycle helmet tucked into the same elbow as the book. 

“Hey,” Lexa managed. 

“You work here?” 

“Yeah, just doing some little things, stacking, kids story time and stuff.” 

“Sounds fun,” Clarke nodded. She leaned against the shelf behind her and watched Lexa push her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. This was the Lexa she was used to seeing, and it did nothing to make her less interested, which was insanely weird. 

“Here for anything good?” 

“Uh, just some of the summer reading for Lit. And I’m kind of interested in a few SAT practice books. I took it already, but there’s one more that I can take before applications are due, and I’d like to see if I can do a little better.” 

It certainly wasn’t the reason Lexa expected, but she should have known better to expect anything from someone she really didn’t know other than through stories of stories of stories from other people. 

“Sounds like you have a busy summer planned.” 

Clarke laughed and ducked her head and Lexa tried not to be entranced by the action. 

“Have to keep busy between the protests and debauchery.” 

“Right, same.” 

“Everyone kind of left for the summer, it seems. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Lexa agreed. “I miss my friends, but I’ve gotten a lot of things done.” 

“I’m sure you’re already done with the summer homework.” 

“No… well, just most of it.” 

“We’re two weeks into summer break, Woods,” Clarke pretended to admonish. Lexa shrugged, slightly guilty. “We’re going to have to find something to keep you busy.” 

“I think work will take care of that.” 

“You’re forgetting that I saw you at Pride. I know that you know how to have fun,” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows slightly. “And I know that you find me absolutely irresistible and cute.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“So you admit it then?” 

“What? No,” Lexa shook her head and pushed her cart down the row, looking for the place to put the next in her pile. 

But Clarke wasn’t ready to leave, and she hung around, pushing off of the shelf only to follow Lexa and hover closer than Lexa could almost handle. 

“You checked me out at Pride.” 

“I did not.” 

“You did. I saw it. And you let me know you were interested in girls. If you didn’t know yet, I’m a girl, so the math seems to be adding up.” 

“Correlation does not imply causation,” Lexa responded quickly. “Your logic is not at all close to sound.” 

“So you don’t like me?” 

“I don’t even know you. If anything, I just find your face and,” Lexa moved her hand in Clarke’s direction, “that, all, pleasing.” 

“Good to know.” 

“Who even walks around telling people that they find them attractive. It’s maddening to have that much confidence.” 

Lexa jammed the book into the shelf as Clarke leaned beside her, grinning that grin that meant she was amused. That was also maddening. All of it suddenly was maddening, and Lexa missed the quiet of her shelves and wished she could go back in time and not let herself go to Pride. Then she wouldn’t have to see Clarke Griffin. 

“I like to have a healthy opinion of myself.” Lexa snorted. “And you should have one of yourself. Want to know a secret?” 

It was the smile that did it. And the eyes. But Lexa looked at Clarke and softened somewhat. It was due to the proximity, she told herself. Nothing else that she could control. 

“Sure.” 

“I didn’t really need these books,” Clarke offered. “I mean, I could have just ordered them online like a normal person. And I live closer to the Redwood Branch.” 

“Then why’d you come here?” 

“Hard to imagine you’re the valedictorian,” she chuckled. “I came to see you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah. I saw you at Pride and was intrigued. Thought I might feel it out a little bit.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Why not, Woods?” Clarke sighed. “I’ve got nothing but time and… well, I didn’t know you were into girls.”

“How can you be so just… How can you just say what you’re thinking?” 

“Lots of practice,” she smiled. 

“I could never imagine just… just… just…” Lexa waved her hands around slightly as she tried to explain what she couldn’t. “I couldn’t just do that. What if it went badly?” 

“Is it going badly?” 

“No, but-- wait. Maybe. What I mean is…” It didn’t help that Clarke was leaning closer and Lexa was stuck in the stacks with a girl that was flirting with her and she’d never had that before and it was way better than she could have ever imagined. “Wouldn’t ou have been embarrassed if I just ignored you or something?” 

“Oh yeah, big time,” Clarke nodded. “But my dad used to tell me to do one thing every day that scared me. Figured I’d get it done before dinnertime today.” 

She was charming and honest and refreshing and unlike anyone Lexa had ever met. It was a whirlwind. 

“I have to finish this before my shift ends,” she tore her eyes away from Clarke’s and looked back at her cart. 

“Right, yeah, definitely,” Clarke agreed. 

“I should do that.” 

“I should go check these out.” 

“Maybe I’ll see you around this summer.” 

“Yeah,” Clarke grinned. “Maybe.” 

Lexa stood there as Clarke turned back toward reception.

“Clarke-- I um,” Lexa watched as she turned around. “I’ve never flirted… with anyone, really.” 

“That is surprising news.” 

She could tell from her tone that it wasn’t news, and Lexa pursed her lips and set her jaw. She stood a little straighter, steeling herself. 

“I hope I see you around.” 

“We do seem to keep running into each other.” 

With a final smile, Clarke winked and disappeared. 

XXXXXXXXXX

Standing outside of the house on the corner, Clarke looked at the perfectly trimmed hedges and the flag that hung by the door. The lawn was manicured and neat, the house was beautiful, lit up and glowing with life inside in the waning light. It was in the suburbs and insanely suburban. A tire swing hung from a giant oak. A basketball hoop hung over the garage. 

For the life of her, Clarke wasn’t sure how she ended up here, except that she made herself stand awkwardly in front of Lexa Wood’s house. Three years ago, she met Lexa as a freshman, and instantly had a crush on the girl who argued with her in history class. But Clarke also decided to avoid having a crush on the cute girl who pushed up her glasses and tried very hard to be absolutely perfect. 

She still kind of always had a crush, despite her refusal to admit it. For the past three years, Clarke tried to make Lexa smile from time to time. She’d do something stuipd and make sure Lexa was watching. 

But Pride was one of the few times in the past year they’d spoken. And Clarke was certain that now was her chance, so she took it. And after the library, she spent every day for a week and a  half showing up at the library. She brought Lexa lunch a few times, followed her around the stacks, chatting and fully developing a crush. It was easy to do. Lexa was funny, and serious, and witty, and quiet, and smart, like ridiculously smart, and she wasn’t afraid of Clarke, or intimidated. She debated her with vigor, had opinions, had plans, and more importantly, had dreams. 

Clarke knew why she was standing on Lexa’s front porch, and she knew why she was slightly nervous to knock, she just hated someone being able to do that, in equal parts as much as she craved it. 

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was good before she knocked. 

“Hey,” Lexa greeted her, smiling and pushing up her glasses as she does her best to not look winded from running to the door. 

“Hey,” Clarke sighs,  matching her grin, forgetting all of the thoughts of before. “You look really nice.” 

“Thanks. I, uh, you too. I like the black eye in particular.” 

“Oh, this?” she motioned toward the eye that had a little bruising. “Just, um. Bopped myself in the face while working out.” 

“What were you doing? Boxing?” 

“Krav Maga. My partner got a little overzealous.” 

“Goodness.” 

“I’ll try to be extra charming to make up for my disfigurement. I hope your gentle eyes can make it past my horrible appearance.” 

“I’ll do my best to look past it.”

“Good,” Clarke smiled and handed over a helmet. “Are you ready for the first date?” 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

They walked toward the motorcycle sitting near the curb. Clarke pressed her palm to the flat of Lexa’s back. She handed over a helmet and Lexa looked at it curiously. 

“For your protection. Have you ever ridden on anything like this before?” 

“I’ve driven go karts.”

“Not the same thing,” Clarke chuckled. “Here, I’ll help.” 

The helmet eclipsed her, but Lexa tilted it upwards so that Clarke’s skilled fingers could tighten the strap beneath it. She lifted the visor and watched Clarke work. 

“I feel like a badass.” 

“You are.” 

“Do I look the part?” Lexa asked, smiling slightly as Clarke hopped on the motorcycle and put on her own helmet. 

“Very much,” she promised, flipping down both of their visors. “Hold on tight.” 

The date wasn’t anything fancy, but Clarke was hoping it was enough. They drove to the park, with Lexa’s arms wrapped tightly around her, and she took the long way, nice and slow, just for that reason. 

The park was busy, fully of people ready to enjoy the evening and a movie. Clarke unloaded a blanket and her backpack full of snacks, fully prepared to show off her dateable skills. From what she knew about Lexa, she assumed it was her first first date, and she was going to set the bar extremely high. 

Before the movie started, they talked about nothing in particular, and Clarke was careful to get in a little teasing, which Lexa returned, smiling the entire time, challenging her. During the movie, Clarke let Lexa lay her head on her lap, and shivered because she gave her the only sweatshirt she had. 

Even after it ended, they remained, hanging out in the twilight and talking, hovering, close and unsure and happy. Later into the night, after another trip back to Lexa’s, Clarke bashfully stood on the porch and earned a hug and completely bungled the kiss, unable to read Lexa and unable to make herself that brave. 

“Did you have a good time?” Clarke ventured, leaning against the railing. 

“I really did. Thank you.” 

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.” 

“I’d like that.” 

“Good.”

“Good.” 

“Great,” Clarke grinned. 

“Great.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

It was almost like a game at this point, for Lexa to stumble upon Clarke somewhere in the library during her shift. Rarely was it in the same place twice, and rarely was it when she was expecting it, though she found herself always looking forward to the smile and girl that sometimes brought her snacks. 

For the first month of summer break, Lexa didn’t even realize she’d spent most of it talking to or spending time with Clarke Griffin. It just kind of happened, and she found herself getting attached. She found herself flirting, or so she thought. She definitely found herself flirted with, which was still so wonderful. 

Clarke wasn’t what she’d thought. She was insanely frustrating and still too hot for her own good, and smarter than she wanted anyone to know, while at the same time being absolutely addicted to her moral code and her’s alone. 

In a month, Lexa learned that Clarke was not in a gang, despite everyone thinking it was a gang, but rather had a close knit group of friends that occasionally contributed to shenanigans of a disruptive nature. She learned that she was a hell of an artist, sketching things here and there, and when they ventured out on a hike or spent time lounging around, showed her sketchbook very timidly. She learned that Clarke’s father died three years ago, and that was where she disappeared to freshman year. She learned that Clarke liked to work on her motorcycle herself instead of taking to a shop because she wanted to feel closer to her father. Lexa spent an entire afternoon learning parts of the bike and helping with an oil change. 

For an entire month, Clarke pushed Lexa. She pushed her to go on dates. She pushed her to jump off of the old bridge foundation at the river when they went swimming. She pushed her to watch a few movies she wasn’t sure of. She pushed her to egg street signs for the first time ever. 

“Excuse me, but I’m looking for a book about a cute librarian who has a crush on a girl named Clarke. Know where I can find that?” 

Lexa smiled despite herself as she turned the corner in one of the farther aisles in the library’s second floor. 

“I was just thinking about you.” 

“All good things I hope.” 

“More or less.” 

That seemed like good enough for Clarke who returned Lexa’s smile. The two stood there, close in the tight aisle, but used to the proximity. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to come over tonight. We could watch a movie and you could read my essay and give a million edit suggestions. I’ll even let you use your red pen.” 

“It shows up better.” 

“Yeah yeah,” Clarke humored her. 

“I’ll be over after dinner then.”

“Good.” 

“Were you leaving already?” Lexa furrowed as Clarke shoulder her backpack and shifted instead of getting comfortable or even grabbing some of the books to help her put back on the shelves. 

“I have to see a guy about a thing.”

“Just a drive by today, and no snack?” 

“Like I would ever leave you wanting,” Clarke tsk’d as she dug in her bag and pulled out Lexa’s favorite assortment of gummy bears. “I know what you like, Woods.” 

“You’re spoiling me. I’ll have to start working out more often or I’ll be too slow for track.” 

“You’re fit. I mean, you’re--”

“Perv.” 

“Sometimes,” Clarke shrugged. 

Lexa held her bag of snacks in her hand and smiled at them softly. She saw Clarke’s shoes nearly touching her own, and when she looked up, she realized how close they truly were. But she didn’t move. She just stood there and tried to figure out what Clarke’s eyes were saying, because they were furrowed until they weren’t, and then there was a peace there, a decisive calm. 

Lexa felt a hand on her shirt, grasping it near her heartbeat. Clarke paused before she did it, waiting for Lexa to pull away, asking for permission. Only when she got it, did she lean forward and kiss Lexa enough to take her breath away. The only thing Lexa could hear was the blood thumping in her ears, but she ignored it and kissed Clarke back eagerly. 

“Thanks, Woods,” Clarke murmured after a few seconds. “I needed that.” 

“Yeah, no, yeah.” 

“I’ll see you later.” 

“Right, later, mhm,” Lexa nodded and ran her thumb along her bottom lip as Clarke moved, leaving her rooted and blushing. 

“If you liked that, we could do it more often,” Clarke offered as she walked backward out of the shelves. 

“Sounds very good to me.”

[25centsoda]

Initial Thoughts

Mister Impossible spoilers under the cut! 

Okay I am still feral but can use real human words now (like a human not a dream-- okay okay sorry) SO here are my disorganized first thoughts having just put the book down about twenty minutes ago, expect little in the way of chronological order

I was not jazzed about the book when I first got it, gonna be honest. The title, okay I guess, I can understand - the song Mister Impossible is a banger and definitely fits the mood. Would’ve prefered a line from the song rather than the title, which is, as some have pointed out, a bit more of an action-novel title than what we were expecting from the Dreamer Trilogy. But fine. Okay. 

Then I read the summary in the inside flap and I went :/ Hmm. Sounds a bit too high-stakes for me - listen, finding one dead king? Fixing one local ley line? That I can vibe with. Finding another dreamer a city over? Underground criminal magic market? Cool. Tangible. Fantastical! But tangible. World-ending stakes? I’m sorry, you’ve kinda lost me? But okay, okay, I trust Mrs. Stiefvater, I want to know more about dreamers and dreams, I’ll bite. 

The three quotes that come before the story itself? Another :/ Another hmm, okay. I’m not terribly jazzed. It’s not caught me. Even the first page! Didn’t catch me. I had to intentionally set aside critical-mode as I started the book

*takes a moment to set aside critical mode again because I did genuinely enjoy this book*

MATTHEW AND HIS CRISES, AA. Poor boy. “Was I made to be this way, or am I this way because I am me? How much free will do I even have? How much does it even matter? How much does anything even matter?” My philosophy phase last summer would’ve totally vibed with you, my dude *fistbump*

ALL OF THE MODERATORS EXCEPT CARMEN WERE DREAMS???? I’M SORRY?????? WHAT

No seriously they were all dreams?!?!? Since when?? Since how?? If they’re killing Zeds, were they killing all but their own Zed?? Did they all have sweetmetals?? Did Ronan dream them, too?????

If so that’s incredibly fucked up

SPEAKING OF SWEETMETALS

Bro what was that. I’m sorry but what was that.

Listen okay it makes sense in the context of the story I guess, but I couldn’t help but read it more as a part of her metaphor for like “dreamers are artists” and I totally get where she’s coming from looking at it as part of the metaphor, especially considering her recent/semi-recent health issues BUT as a story? Idk I just didn’t feel like I could mesh it with the story itself, see it as a thing on its own outside of the metaphor

TRC I could see both the metaphors and the story. CDTH I could see both the metaphor and the story. All The Crooked Saints I could see both the metaphor and the story. Here I was having trouble

Speaking of the metaphor

Why was Ronan committing ecoterrorism

I was almost getting like. Idk y’all read the latter half of Maximum Ride? We were edging into that territory where we were losing the thread of the story in the metaphor. Anyways

BRYDE

BRYDE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I had to go scream at a friend when I read that part!!! Ronan dreamt himself a father figure, a teacher, a leader!! I’m FERAL

This part I felt was well-done

But BROOOOOOOOOOOOO, a dream that is also a dreamer???? WHAT. The power that takes, the power that has. Unstoppable.

MATTHEW FELL ASLEEP AT THE END AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wait tho what was that at the end. I do not understand.

I get why Hennessy killed the ley line

BUT WHY DID MAGGIE

I saw Ronan and his dreamt fire and his internal conflict/angst. I saw Hennessy and her lace. Get it.

BUT WHERE DOES IT MAKE SENSE THAT ALL THE LEY LINES SHOULD DIE. WEREN’T WE GIVING MATTHEW AND JORDAN FREEDOM. WEREN’T WE WAKING BACK UP THE ARTISTS OF THE WORLD.

And Matthew was gonna go to school and be a real person instead of his brothers’ pet T_T

How could they do this to my sweet boy

And the book ended with Jordan??? I didn’t feel like she was a main-main character, enough to be ended on like that?? I thought the Dreamer Trilogy was about the dreamers primarily and dreams secondarily. CDTH even opens with stuff about the Lynch brothers (fantastic, btw, still catches me and gets me excited with the very first line even after three reads and about two years)

this is saltier than I intended whoops

Also

Also

Carmen and Lilliana

Appreciate the lesbians! Very much appreciate it. Feeeeeelin like it fell a little flat. Idk I saw possibility for more in the last book, maybe, but this book went from “hint of hint of space for development” to “they are KISSING, they are RUNNING AWAY TOGETHER, they are PAINFULLY OBVIOUSLY DATING”

Lowkey where did that come from

And where was Adam aaaaaaaaaa. I was worried about him! What happened to him! But then turns out Ronan just threw his phone away too fast bro, Ronan, plz 

I think that’s it? I think that’s it. No wait I did really like Jordan and Declan, that was nice. Henessey’s characterization was well-done I think; she be self-destructive and #struggling and desperately in need of some lesbian aunts (good for her on getting them).  ADORED Matthew and his personality and crises. Overall the book was just not the vibe I was expecting/necessarily came for; the stakes were too big, I think, was the most major issue.

What I’ll be looking for in the next book

WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW THAT THE LEY LINES ARE DEAD. Will Matthew be okay? Will Ronan be okay? We established that he doesn’t work without a ley line, right, boy just nightwashes out of life?

ALL OF THE MODERATERS WERE DREAMS??? MRS STIEFVATER EXPLAIN

Ronan just. Did a bunch of ecoterrorism. For nothing? What’s up with that lol. Is somebody gonna arrest him

Opal was mentioned but we never saw her. Where is she? Is she okay?

HOW IS JORDAN AWAKE, WHAT. Is the sweetmetal, like, inside her now, because she made one? Also why did we end on her. I feel like “It was a very nice day/she felt awake” is a VERY different mood from the devastation we were just reading. Matthew slipped out of consciousness AND HE WASN’T EVEN A KING. Like this was TRK-level dramatic but then our last bite of story was not that. I Must understand.

Somebody better talk to Ronan bro seriously kid needs therapy, he made his own father/mentor/leader figure. Declan was worried Ronan joined a cult but turns out boy made one. Plz help him

Hennessy better be vibing. She doesn’t have the Lace to contend with anymore

I think that’s it legit! This was waaaaaaay longer than I thought it would be lmao and less comprehensible/deep but hopefully in the future I will be back with more organized thoughts because boy does this book invite them (and no those thoughts will not be majority salt)

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Hey, so I really like your work so I have a request 👀 maybe you could write Luke and reader being best friends but both having deeper feelings, they're roommates but they fight over Luke's gf bc he says that she needs to move out bc his girlfriend wants to move in and she doesn't like reader so she ends up leaving and running with Crystal but she asks to not tell anyone (except Mike for obvious reasons) that she's there and Luke is really worried but he and reader end up together, pretty please

I LOVE THIS REQUEST!! Sorry if I didn’t do it justice, but I hope you like it!

Also I’m so sorry that the layout went weird! I posted it from my computer and now it looks odd on the phone!

Original story by sarcastically-defensive17

Love? Love. - L. Hemmings

"If she gets those fake blonde extensions wrapped around my straightener one more time, Lucas, I will rip them out myself."

He simply sighed, focusing more of his attention on his phone rather than his best friend.

Y/N and Luke has been best friends since they were 17. They kindled their friendship on the very last day of year 12, such as she did with Calum and Michael.

Since that day, as they sat in the barren English Room and discussed everything and anything that came to mind, her and Luke had been inseparable.

She was the Bucky to his Steve, the Yang to his Yin, the regular sized human to his giant stature.

Well, until Suzanna stepped into the picture.

She is 5"7, coated in fake tan that was applied by somebody with the vision of Stevie Wonder and fake blonde extensions that accentuate how beautiful she would be, if she toned down the Geordie Shore look.

Y/N couldn't help but wonder if her personality would be able to shine brightly through the thick foundation, if she had one, that is.

"Thank you for pretending to listen to me, I appreciate it so much," she rolled her eyes.

For the past few weeks the air in the house had been incredibly tense.

"Y/N?" He asked, his voice hesitant. "Can I talk to you about something?"

She couldn't stop her eyes from lighting up. This was the calmest her and luke had been with each other in almost a week, and she would take any chance to talk to him in a civilized manner.

To be honest, the idea of talking to him did nothing to quell the overflowing feelings she had for the man.

"Is that even a question? You can always talk to me, Lu," she sat opposite to him on the lounge, pulling her legs up underneath her.

He was nervous. That was obvious in the way he raked his fingers through his blonde curls. Suzanna constantly hounded at him to cut his hair but Y/N knew how much he loved his hair.

She couldn't deny that she adored the ringlets that decorated his soft locks.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a little bit," he rung his hands together, spinning rings on his fingers. "I, um, I'm gonna need you to move out."

He mumbled the last few words, sighing softly when she asked him to repeat it. It's safe to say, she was at a loss of words.

"You - you want me to move out? Why?" Her eyebrow was cocked, and she tilted her head to the side slightly.

Luke couldn't help but admire how much she resembled a puppy dog. He always found her to be a mix of adorable and purely beautiful. Which is part of the reason he forced himself to say yes when Suzanna asked to take a larger step in their relationship.

He had spent so much time fighting his feelings for Y/N. Suzanna helped, but he still needed to force himself to deny his feelings in favour of the smaller ones he had for his girlfriend.

He was cruel, he knew it.

"Suzanna and I were talking, and we’re ready to move in together. And she couldn't move in here because of-"

"Because of what? Because I can't stand the woman that has cheated on you multiple times?" Y/N was angry, that much she knew. She couldn't believe the audacity. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Well I would love nothing more than for my girlfriend and my best friend to get along but you make it so difficult for Suzanna to get to know you," he snapped pinching the bridge of his nose between his long fingers.

"I gave her a chance before she slept with one of your mates, Luke. As far as I'm concerned, you should have gotten rid of her months ago when she did it a second time."

"Why can't you just be happy for me?" His eyes were narrowed and the blue orbs held the same lack of patience she had seen a lot over the past week.

She opened her mouth to retort but couldn't find the words to say. Truthfully, she was shattered when Luke told her about his relationship, but she decided to be the bigger person and let go of the idea that Luke could be hers. Their friendship has lasted too long for that to be a possibility.

Luke's comment set her off.

"Oh so I am meant to happy for you, with the Geordie Barbie who fucks another guy regularly, but you couldn't be happy for me with Daniel?"

"Daniel was an asshole!"

"And so is Suzanna!"

They were both on their feet now, staring each other down with a ferocity they hadn't seen since an argument in their teenage years.

Sure, Daniel was a bit of an asshole, but Luke knew he was in the wrong for hating the man so fiercely. The moment he had finally worked up the nerve to ask Y/N on a date - a real date - Daniel swept in and the two were together for almost a year until he started getting more controlling.

The last straw was when Daniel flipped because of the close relationship Y/N and Luke shared and Luke threw a punch at him.

"You're jealous," Luke scoffed, his blue eyes aimed anywhere but at her for he knew his anger was unwarranted but he couldn't bare to face the truth about his relationship.

"Excuse me?" She cocked a brow again and he had to glance away quickly as his eyes fell on her for a second.

"You are jealous that I can keep somebody around and you haven't been able to keep anybody around for almost a year." His brows were pinched tight together and he squared his shoulders.

It was easy for Y/N to notice the slight hunch in his posture, a symbol that he was immediately guilt stricken by his words.

"Oh, I'm so sorry that I can't settle for somebody who doesn't deserve me," she barked out a sarcastic laugh, slamming her hand on the bench to grab her keys.

Luke opened his mouth to retort, but she fixed him with a glare so angry that he physically recoiled.

She slipped her vans on at the door, grabbing her bag off of the hook where she organized all of her daily belongings. She was meticulous and Luke had always admired how neat she was compared to his disorganized chaos.

"You wanted me gone? I'm going. Don't bother contacting me til you wake up to yourself," she stomped towards the door, pausing as she pulled the wood open. "I'll have my stuff gone by the end of the week. Tell Barbie to keep my straightener. God knows she fucked it anyways."

The door slammed behind her and the entire house instantly felt as if the warmth was gone.

She went straight to Crystal's house. The woman was packing for the impending move to a new house; one which her and Michael would share.

"So he wants you to move out so that thing can move in?" Her voice was laced with disgust.

All of them despise Suzanna. The woman had hurt Luke more times than they could count, she blatantly ignores or insults both Y/N and Crystal for fear of any sort of threat in her relationship, yet she regularly cheats on him.

Go figure.

Y/N made a noise of agreement around her glass of wine. The minute she had stepped in the door Crystal had phoned Micheal and ordered a Girls Night, to which Y/N profusely demanded that she would make it up to the couple whose date night she disturbed.

"He better hope I don't get my hands on him, Y/N."

"It's not worth it Crys," she sighed, swirling the contents of her glass in a circle. "I've been basically invisible in that house since the Barbie started coming around."

Crystal pulled the girl into a hug. Not many knew of her hidden feelings for Luke, but Crystal figured it out after a week of knowing the pair.

"I'll cut her extensions and glue them to Luke's eyebrows."

<><><><><><>

Exactly a month had passed. Y/N had ordered Crystal and Michael to not speak a word of where she was because she didn't want to see Luke. Instead, she found a small apartment to live in, while she gathered her wits to find a better place.

She knew it was petty, but she didn't have the care to feel guilty.

Luke on the other hand, was going insane and harbored so much regret surrounding his decision that he couldn't bare to think straight.

Moving in with Suzanna did nothing to make the home feel less empty. Y/N had made sure to collect the rest of her things while Luke was out.

She knew his schedule inside and out and used it to her advantage.

Luke wanted nothing more than to see her face. To hear her voice. The time apart made him realize just how deep his feelings went. The same feelings he had spent many years attempting to bury.

Now his only fear was that he would never get the chance to tell the woman how much he needs her in his life.

That, and how he would manage to get rid of the woman who he had caught sneaking out of their house at all hours of the night.

He didn't know what to expect when he entered his house to hear pornographic moans echoing from the bedroom.

He didn't feel angry. He didn't feel sad. He didn't even feel betrayed.

In fact, he couldn't contain his laughter. After all, catching her in the act of cheating on him simply opened the window for him to break up with her without the guilt.

He simply walked towards their bedroom door, which was ajar, and entered with no hesitation.

He was met with the sight of a bare assed male and a moaning Suzanna.

"I'm breaking up with you," he had a wide smile on his face, already planning his next actions with severe determination. He pulled his long curls into a small bun at the back of his head, “Please get out by tomorrow?"

He didn't leave room for her to argue, instead choosing to snatch his keys off of the bench and exit the house while Suzanna called him from behind.

The minute his backside hit the seat of his Jeep, he had the key turned in the ignition and he was dialing Crystal's phone number.

If anybody knew how to get in contact with Y/N, it would be the woman she had the closest bond to.

"What do you want, Luke?"

"Is Y/N at your house?" He asked quickly.

He was met with silence for a moment. He knew that Crystal knew where she was, but he also knew Crystal would most likely be reluctant.

"Why should I tell you? Want to go kick her out of her own house again?" He heard the malice in her voice.

It was obvious that after a month the pain would still linger. He deserved to be spoken to in such a way.

He knew he had a lot to make up for.

A deep sigh sounded through the receiver, and Crystal took another moment to reply.

"She is going to kill me for this, but I swear, you better be taking your breadstick ass over to apologise or I will kill you myself," she recited the address for an apartment not far from where Crystal and Michael now lived, and hung the phone up without another word.

He arrived at the apartment block soon after, and rushed up the stairs - not having the patience to wait for the elevator.

Number 304 shone brightly in his vision, and his heart tugged at the thought of seeing Y/N again.

He knocked with such urgency that caused the girl inside to jump out of her seat.

The door swung open and before she could close it in his face a converse covered foot was wedged between the door and the frame.

He cringed at the pain but refused to move it.

"What do you want?" Her voice was hard, and his stomach lurched at the sound. Even if she was mad, she still sounded more melodic that he ever could.

He chose to jump straight to the point, not wanting to leave room for her to reject him before he could confess.

"I have been in love with you since a few months after we met. I realised it when we were at your house, and you were doting over your baby cousin," His eyes were basically smiling, as he retrieved the fond memory. "Since that moment, I have done my best to push down how I feel about you, but I am sick of hiding it. I just broke up with Suzanna. I walked in on her with another guy, but I can't do this without you. I can't go back to that house for another minute without you there."

She was at a loss for words. He spoke so fast that it took a moment to piece his sentences together, and when she did, she couldn't help the confused look that coated her features.

"You- what?"

"I broke up with Suzanna," he had a wide smile on his face that she couldn't comprehend.

"Finally?"

"Yes. And, I have been in love with you since we were 18."

"Are you sure?" She cocked her head again.

The action made his stomach erupt in butterflies. He truly adored how she could look so cute through a simple gesture.

Y/N was genuinely confused. She knew how she felt about Luke. The month apart from him hadn't done anything to stop those feelings.

She truly had feelings stronger for him than she had for any of her past relationships. If she were to think about it, she would even say that she loved him.

"How could I not be sure?" He pinched his brows together in confusion. He grabbed both of her hands in his, leading her into the house and to the lounge where they both slumped down.

She stammered, "Where did this even come from? How?-"

He moved his hands to the side of her face, framing her confused expression.

She didn't know how to feel. For so long, Y/N had longed for Luke to notice her in such a way, and now that he is admitting that he has felt the same way about her that she had about him for so long, she was truly at a loss of words.

His eyes were full of pent up emotion. He didn't necessarily look sad, but he looked the most apologetic she had ever seen him, and she had been there through many emotions with the man,"Y/N, I'm sorry. Not just for what happened last month, but for everything I have done. I'm sorry I couldn't work up the courage to confess to you so many years ago, I'm sorry I let my jealousy ruin your relationship with Daniel, I am sorry I wasted time with other girls just to try and deny how much I truly adore you, and I am sorry that I ever thought I would be happy choosing anybody over you. I can't stand to live without you, and even if you have zero feelings for me in the same way I feel for you, would you please come back-"

She pulled his hands from her face and put her own on his before crushing her lips against his in an urgent moment of passion.

The contact was full of so much emotion, and it was the most loving kiss she had experienced from any of those who she had kissed.

It was intimate, but not rushed. Simply lips against lips; no pushing to move it deeper.

They pulled back after an unknown time, and she bumped her nose against his.

"I can't tell you how long I have wanted to do that for," she told him, feeling most of her anger melt away along with her confusion.

Instead, they both felt a love that they hadn't felt before.

"Come back, please?" He was ready to beg. Hell, he was ready to not go back to that house until she was ready to go with him.

"My name's still on the lease, you can bet your thick ass I'm coming back. But if I see one blonde hair extension, I will go on the warpath," she smirked at him, staring at his plump lips.

"I'll make sure it's spotless for your return," Luke beamed at her, feeling his nerves both escape his body and ignite at her touch.

"Good. Now get back over here and kiss me some more."

[poorrichardslegacy]

Kacxa Week 2020 Day 2 - Late Night Adventures

The Melmachian Defense

SUMMARY: His family asleep, Keith sits alone with his thoughts. He is bothered by his daughter’s reaction to the story Soran told them about their parents first visit to the planet. Acxa joins him, knowing her husband is upset. To cheer him up they sneak away for what they think is a safe midnight stroll to reflect and talk. It proves to be anything but the romantic interlude they were hoping for.

NOTE: This is my entry for Day 2 of Kacxa Week 2020, and it is Part 3 of a 3-part Return to Braylar IV story line.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26834671

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Acxa/Keith (Voltron) Characters: Acxa (Voltron), Keith (Voltron), Keith's Wolf (Voltron), Original Galran Character(s) Additional Tags: Family Bonding, Meet the Family, Kacxa Week 2020, Family, Family Drama, Teenage Drama, Teenagers

---------------

Kogane Campsite, Braylar IV

Keith sits quietly at the entrance to the cave, alone with his thoughts.

He looks out at the night sky, thinking back to the last time he was here, at night, staring out into the darkness. Back then, Acxa was lying on a bed of straw covered with blankets, fighting off the effects of Hyena poisoning. Narti had just arrived on the planet and, thinking Keith had taken advantage of Acxa in her debilitated state, got into a brief fight that only ended when Sonai wolves backed Narti into a corner. Later that night, Soran emerged from the cave to warn him that a storm was coming.1

He sits here, 23 decaphoebs later, staring out into the same inky darkness that is nighttime on Braylar IV. This time, there is no storm coming. This time, his family sleeps peacefully in comfortable sleeping bags behind him.

His family. The last time he was here, a family was the furthest thing from his mind. Now, somehow, he is both the husband to the prettiest woman in the universe (his opinion) and father to two beautiful, independent, and frequently rambunctious girls.

Just as before, someone emerges from the cave to join him. This time it is Acxa, come to check on her husband.

“Hey you. What’s wrong?” She sits next to him, takes his hand, and brings it to her lips.

He squeezes her hand in return. “Hey…nothing’s wrong, I just couldn’t sleep. I came here to look at the stars.”

Acxa stares up at the night sky. “And you expect me to believe that? Keith, it’s a cloudy night, there are no stars out. I’ll ask my question again. What’s wrong?”

He leans back against one of the boulders at the cave entrance and exhales deeply. “The girls’ reaction to Soran’s story tonight…they must think their father is a real jerk.”

“Keith…they think no such thing. Why would you say that?”

“Oh, let’s see. How about ‘Not exactly good boyfriend behavior’, and a sarcastic ‘wow Dad that was really romantic’ for starters.”

“Oh, for the love of…THAT’s what’s bothering you? Keith they are teenagers! Of course, they are going to think their parents are the stupidest and most awkward people in the universe! That, biologically speaking, is what happens with teenagers in every known species! They’ll grow out of it and they’ll see just how cool their incredibly awesome mother and father really are!”

Realizing that emo Keith has settled over her husband and that he is not likely to snap out of his funk on his own, she stands and grabs his hand. “Come on.”

Keith protests meekly as his wife hauls him to his feet. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to go for a walk by that lake we passed on the way here. It’s not that far away. The clouds are breaking, and I want to see what it looks like under the two moons of this planet. Especially since the last time I was here you called me, what was the term you used…loopy?” She grabs him by the arm, pulls him close, and nuzzles his earlobe with her nose. “Besides…I need some alone time with my husband.”

“Hmm…I like how you think, woman. Bring your blaster pistol, just in case. I know the Hyenas are supposed to be gone, but you never know.”

---------------

As they leave the campsite and head down the path leading to the lake, two pair of eyes follow their progress down the hillside.

“I don’t know, Mireya. Going to the lake this time of night doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.”

“Yeah. I think we need to tell Cosmo where they are going.”

---------------

Lakeshore, Just Below the Kogane Campsite

Keith and Acxa arrive on the lakeshore and are immediately blown away by the sight of two moons shimmering on the water. The walk hand-in-hand down the beach for a quarter mile before Keith slips his arm around Acxa’s waist and pulls her close.

Stopping, they put their foreheads together and stare longingly into each other’s eyes.

“Credit for your thoughts, love.”

“Oh, I don’t know if you can handle my thoughts right now my dear.”

She purrs softly, tracing the scar on his cheek, and speaks in a low, sultry voice. “I can handle anything you bring my way, Mr. Kogane. That includes you and your thoughts. Try me.”

Their moods change in an instant as a rustling in the woods causes them to freeze. “Keith…what kind of animals are on the prowl at night on this planet?”

“The bad kind.”

They peer into the underbrush, their eyes adjusting to the ambient light of the area. Four sets of yellow eyes peer back at them.

“Keith, are they what I think they are?”

“Yeah. Hyenas.”

“Pistols or swords?”

Keith vividly remembers what happened the last time they were in close quarters combat with the Hyenas. “Pistols first. Don’t let them get too close.”

He quickly scans the area looking for a close defensive position. Finding none, he tells her to do the only thing they can do. “Move to that little spit of land sticking into the lake. The water is deep. They can’t surround us there.”

Keith and Acxa move towards the spit but are cut off as the Hyenas emerge from the forest, slowly surrounding them. Like they did 23 decaphoebs earlier, Keith and Acxa go back to back to defend against the Hyena attack.

Sensing an easy kill, the Hyena’s charge their position and get the shock of their lives. Their easy prey is ready for them.

Keith and Acxa swiftly land blaster pistol shots on all four of the hyenas. The Hyenas withdraw and, while stung by the shots from the pistols, they are by no means seriously injured by them.

“This isn’t working. We need to draw swords.”

Taking advantage of the temporary disorganization in the Hyena’s attack, they reach the spit and put the deep-water lake to their backs, so that the Hyena’s cannot surround them again.

Assessing their position and the attack tendencies of their enemies, a thought strikes Acxa. “Keith, did your mother teach you the Melmachian defensive technique?”

Keith smiles. “Yeah, one of the first ones she taught me. A bit suicidal, don’t you think? This isn’t a game of Gorblonthian Checkers we’re playing here.”

“Look wise guy, do you want to have any chance of seeing your daughters finish growing up? We’ve only got one shot at this.” She shoots him a quick glance and a wink. “You ready, Paladin?”

“Oh, yeah. Let’s do this!”

Still stinging from the blaster pistol wounds, the Hyenas charge their position and immediately run into a problem. The Hyenas are so large and the spit of land so narrow that only two can reach Keith and Acxa at a time.

The pair swing their Blades in unison, stopping the first two Hyenas charging at them in their tracks. As the wounded Hyenas struggle to scamper backwards and get away, they stumble over the ones behind them.

“ACXA NOW!”

Taking advantage of the Hyena’s temporary confusion, Keith and Acxa charge towards the retreating animals. Nimbly clambering up the flanks of the wounded Hyenas before the startled animals realize what they are doing, they hurl themselves into the air and in mid somersault land solid Blade blows across the backs of the third and fourth Hyenas.

As the four wounded animals fall back to regroup, Keith and Acxa do the same and make their way back onto the narrow spit of land.

“I think it might have worked.”

Keith casts his gaze towards the snarling and drooling Hyenas. “Actually I think we just pissed them off. They don’t look happy.”

Before the wounded and now incredibly angry Hyenas can mount another charge, five bright flashes of light erupt in front of them. Their eyes clearing as their night vision returns, the Hyenas four wounded Hyenas find themselves confronted by five exceptionally large Sonai Dire Wolf males

A sixth Sonai Dire Wolf, Corima, appears. On her back are Keith and Acxa’s daughters Mireya and Cataleya.

The Sonai males growl and bare their fangs at the wounded Hyenas. After some pawing of the ground and a back-and-forth exchange of growls and snarls, the Hyenas retreat into the forest.

---------------

Cosmo quickly approaches Keith and Acxa as the males stand watch on the forest trails leading to the beach

“Are you two ok?”

“Yes, we’re fine. Sorry, Cosmo. When you told us the Hyenas had moved on, we thought it would be safe to come down here.”

“Yes Keith, but what I should have also told you is that they test our defenses every now and then. You two just happened to go for a stroll during one of their tests. When Mireya and Cataleya told us where you were, I knew there would be trouble. We got here as soon as I could round up some help. So…would you mind telling me why you two are down here in the first place?”

Keith and Acxa both visibly blush as they exchange awkward glances. Keith turns back to Cosmo to respond, but the crafty alpha male already has the answer to his question.

“Never mind, let me guess.” He sniffs the air, then looks disapprovingly at the pair. “Two people, alone by the lake, on a moonlit night. No need to tell me why you are here, I can smell the pheromones on you both. Great stars you two!”

Corima strides up to them, and not a moment too soon as far as Acxa is concerned. “Apologies, Acxa. Your pups told us where you and Keith were going. After they told Cosmo and I, they insisted on coming to help and make sure you were ok.”

“I see.”

Acxa looks sternly at her daughters.

“Your father and I will deal with you two back at the campsite.”

---------------

Kogane Campsite, Braylar IV

“So, you eavesdropped on a private conversation between your mother and I?”

The girls look down at the ground, dejectedly. “Sorry Dad. We heard you and Mom talking. You sounded upset. We wanted to make sure you were ok.”

“So, what did you hear?”

Cataleya hesitates before shyly looking at her mother to answer her question. “Pretty much everything.”

Acxa buries her face in her hand in embarrassment as Keith crosses his arms. “I see.”

“Dad, I know you’re not happy with us for listening in. We’re sorry for violating your privacy. But…if we hadn’t…I don’t want to think about might have happened to you and Mom.”

Acxa crosses her arms and looks to her husband. “She has a point, Keith.”

“Yes, she does. Ok. I think that’s enough excitement for one night. Let’s all try to get some sleep.”

As the girls slink off towards their sleeping bags, they stop and turn back to face their parents.

“For the record Dad, Cataleya and I don’t think you or Mom are jerks, or the stupidest people in the universe. What you and Mom did tonight… wanting to be alone together and taking a romantic moonlit walk on a lakeshore…that was cool. Not giving a crap about the killer Hyenas on the prowl…ok, sorry, that was stupid. But then using a suicidal Blade of Marmora defensive tactic to fight them off…that was quiznacking awesome!”

“Yeah. Mom, Dad, you guys are pretty special.”

Keith and Acxa rush forward and pull the girls in for a group hug. Acxa’s eyes fill as she kisses each of her daughters on their foreheads.

“You two are pretty special as well.”

 END NOTES: The full story of Keith and Acxa’s first visit to Braylar IV, when they were still on opposite sides, is found in Chapter 11 of Return of the Prince (Chapter title is Cry of the Wolf)

In the story yu’ve just read the Kacxa daughters are 16 years old. They are entering what I call the Mark Twain years. According to my father, Mark Twain supposedly related the following anecdote to a friend. “When I was 16 years old, I thought my father was the dumbest man on the planet. When I turned 21, I was amazed at how much he learned in 5 years.”

In my experience with my own father, I have to say Mark Twain was right. Dad, this one is for you.