#sorry i'm just trying to study for my stats final that starts at 8:10 FUCKING PM and all of a sudden they grabbed me in a chokehold.

[cornertheculprit]

you guys remember phoenix and iris. do you remember how phoenix instinctively knew the SECOND dahlia started pretending to be her in 3-5. do you remember how iris got up on that witness stand and said she would have killed dahlia for phoenix. do you REMEMBER

[mycanyon]

Should I do this?

Imma just answer all of it at once now so bare with me.

1. Your stats:

Hight: 172cm (5.6ft)

Current Weight: 64,8kg (143lbs)

Highest Weight: something over 80kg (177lbs) if not even 84kg (185lbs)

Lowest Weight: Two years ago scratching on the 62kg (137lbs) but I have reached that weight just two or three days ago so I guess that makes it the lowest weight of now.

Goal Weight: 55kg (121lbs) final but I want to reach 50kg (110lbs) so I can start to reverse diet and settle at 55kg.

2. I do not like my height. Or... I am not bothered by it but if I could choose I would me smaller. I am over the average height for a woman in my country. Just today I saw a taller girl walk past me that had just bones as limps and she looked like a model but not like cutesy dutesy kawaii lil' daisy. Which would ALSO BE FINE but you can look like a cold hearted victoria secret model when you are small but looking cute when tall ist harder.

3. My favorite thinspo are pictures of me on my lowest weight two years ago. Maybe I should take some new pictures soon. Am on a fast right now. Will get to 60kg (132lbs) soon and maybe its not a bad idea to have thinspo pictures of yourelf.

4. My greates fear is people pressuring me into eating. Like... I live on my own, I'm a fun gal I'd say... I dont have to fear anything. But I do could scream when anyone makes it look like I am not eating normally no matter if I do or dont.

5. $elf H@rm I guess? I am actually doing really fine since I am on my adhd meds. Life somehow became manageble allthough I still have to get used to it and figure out how to study. All of my self destructing behaviours have disapeared accept for this one. I guess I just like how thin looks. I did grow up in the 2000s afterall. Maybe I am just wired to want it. (Ignoring the fact that my whole family struggles with their weight and I do seem to be the only one who is not overweight).

6. I binge... but not on purpose though! Whats that question?! My last binge was yesterday. I had reached my new LW two days ago after a fast and then I had broken the fast but I broke it with a lot of carbs and I guess I just thought I had fucked up and so I allowed myself a metabolism day but metabolism day turned into "why is food appearing everywhere?!" day and just like that I had probably eaten around 4-5k calories yesterday consisting of cake, chips, sandwich, a salad, instant noodles and cocolate bonbons.

7. Probably not. My mom is so up in her own mind. To her I probably look just like how I looked with 80kg (176lbs) . Because if I weight a lot I often wear baggy clothes that seem to hide my weight pretty good I guess. Or at least nobody has ever thought of me of something different then slim and athletic. But I do notice people taking note of my looks a bit more. I believe they are just fascinated by it. I do worry about my brother noticing though. He knows about my ed but not what I am doing when and I am pretty good at USING my ed to make it sound like I dont want this ed and how I "found ways to live with it" and how its the people making me insecure about eating instead of the food itself. I hope he buys it. In care u ever read it boy. Sorry... but then again... you are smart... you probably know and just let me be.

8.

ca. 10 min treadmill intervall running

3x 25kg chest press (always trying around 10-15)

3x 50kg Backstretch

3x 45kg Ab Machine

3x 50kg Legpress

3x 45kg Adduction-Abduction

3x 40kg Lat Pull Down

3x 2,5kg reverse Butterfly

I also try and train my wrists by using 4kg weights and then just circling my wrists.

Then I do at least 3 negative pull ups (while also trying an pulling me up at the beginning).

3x Hanging Leg Raises

3x 20x Russian Twists with a weight to just hold onto something

Stretch however I feel like stretching

10 min Treadmill (eighter running or a really steep slope)

9.

Yes but none of it was truly meant in a bad way and they probably didnt even realize it. It just stuck with me.

My childhood best friend tried to encourage his sister to do a front flip (on a trampoline) because she was nearly there but got frustrated. He said "Look! OP is also not the fittest and she can do it too!"

Once my elementary school teacher saw that I got out a toast with nutella from my lunch box and he said "Ouuu. Really, OP? Nutella?" (I just realized that it looks cruel written. I swear back then I liked this man and he totally meant it as a joke. He probably would have loved to eat it too.

I have always been picky with my food and my mom always used to say in front of friends and family and strangers "OP eats everything GMF with chemicals and a bunch of cheese." (because one food I knew I liked was a McD cheeseburger why I always wanted to eat them) as I grew older and more embarassed of that phrase I asked her not to say that anymore and she promised. The new slogan then went like "OP eats everything GMF with chemicals and a bunch of cheese but she doesnt want me to say that anymore." (what a cruel woman. Jokes on her because her habits in absolutely everything in life is actually worse than mine).

And one of my best friends in middle school projected her own insecurities onto me. She thought she was to heavy and needed to lose weight and because of her anxiety this was all she could think about and then she had to check out and compare the boddies of everyone around her. I guess she did that with mine too. And she wanted to be nice and even asked out third friend beforehand if this would be too much. But she came to me and voiced her concern of me gaining weight and not wanting me to realize that later and find it terrible.

10. Döner Kebap (my fellow berliners will know what I mean)

11. Perfect Body I think? The movie on youtube. It just presents this whole topic so bare. Its so hard to find content in that direction because of its riskyness. But I also love to watch documentaries or try to find content to read on wattpad. But I have whole list of 4n4 media saved and its not very small.

12. Normally like healthy normally or normally when I'm on my sh1t? Because... I cant remember the first thing. I start forgetting how I would "normally" eat as soon as I start restricting again. But I know that I always try to get my fruits and veggies in. But now normally... I eat a lot of "salad" consisting of only cucumber, cherry tomatoes and some dressing packages you would usually mix with water and oil put I just dump it in like that. If sweet then its mostly apples and bananas allthough I eliminated them again because of all the sugar and carbs (yes I know cucumbers are also basically just carbs). I always try to avoid sugar so I wont crave it.

13. Define healthy! Because a lot of people would call what I do "unhealthy". But my body really thanks me for being so picky of what I feed it.

14. My UGW is 50kg (110lbs) ... maybe 49kg (108lbs) just to set the 50 straight and have a prettier lbs number. With my current determination I expect to reach it after maybe one or two months... or less.

15. I'm a vegetarian. I think it has helped since the focus lays on more natural products. I made myself lactose intolerant which is why I dont eat much other animal products eighter or at least only if I have decided to pay the price hahaha. But yeah... becoming vegetarian has shrinked my nutritional value down but to a much healthier point.

16. My ed started when I was 12. But I have felt "too big" ever since I could think of. I think most of my life I have just thought that this was a problem only my future me could fix... and I guess then I became the future me.

17. Mainly 4noreks1a but mia has been an all time companion ever since I figured out how to make myselp puke. I am not sure if you can say that I have a b1nge ed since binges are kind of natural to exist as well when you have a restricting ed. Then there is orthorexia where you are overly focused on healthy food or how healthy it is when I got that right. Definetly a part of me. I have all of it but only part time. Is this what arfid describes? But besides that I and various therapists also think I am somewhere on the spectrum but it presents itself in a way more "managable" way. But I believe you can definetly see it in my eating habits and not only now but maybe even more prominent when I was a child. I was so picky that I got scared of some foods.

18. When I am really in the zone there is nothing to really stick out. But I do notice when I am walking past a heavy food spot in the city and I'll get all those exited feelings when smelling all of the different things. I love how good food tastes after you have ⭐️ved for a while. And it loses flavour the more you eat. It even becomes bland.

19. Does cake count? Because then its yesterday. The binge. But if we are really talking burgers, fries or pizza of some sort... it has been a while. I am also broke af. I cant afford to buy fast food. McD is not cheap anymore.

20. 4n4 for the results? M1a for the freedom but tbh... I hate pukig... its definetly not m1a. I like "eat what you want and add what you need" but it doesnt quite work with restriction. High Protein. Keto. Tbh i dont know. I like the diet that makes other people feel bad for eating a toast beside me.

21. I dont know, I am too broke for new clothes. But I do fit into a boys/children hoodie 158/164. Maybe even smaller. I do have tops size S and maybe I could get myself into an XS but I think it would be a squeeze. I do own a dress in size 32 or 34. I checked and was able to squeeze myself in with 66kg (145lbs) but I couldnt close the zipper. I bought my last pair of jeans when I was still heavier and I always bought a 42. This... is way too big now. I have already sown an elastic into onenof my favorite jeans and I constantly have to wear a belt (which I hate). I believe I am a 36 there now or close.

22. I gained because I was mentally sick. I had undiagnosed and untreated adhd. I was/am an alcoholic (nearly two year clean lol). I had financial issues due me moving out of a toxic shared apartment and then having to live on my own. To get my degree I went backt to school and it started right then and there. Two different offices told me that I was owning them (each) 3k because of my mom. I had reached my lowest weight, found myself agreeing to dinner invites to really delicious food. And I noticed I wasnt gaining too fast again. So I guess I let loose to give myself some sort of slack. But all of this is not now and I am in my prime time so this time... I will be better!

23. Not by showing me pretty people. It was just there and helped me find the name for the thoughts I had already on my mind.

24. I am very detatched from those names. Like... I will call things like that and thats it. But I cant actually pretent like 4n4 and/or M1a are actual people or voices in my head. Thinking about it though makes me think though. I dont believe anyone is TRULY "Pro" about it. And if you are its probabl because of some fetish. Because if you were "Pro" you would wish everyone would participate right? You believe that this is the right way. But most know that its a sick and ridiculous mind game that they just have come to obsess over.

25. Yes. First time trying to puke? Didnt work at all. Didnt work in a loooooong time. I just didnt get it. But then I got it and it was the most ecstatic feeling ever. I have had found THE deletion button!!! But I also had my first time lax... it was surprising to say the least. Didnt change much.

26. Not needing the number go down any further. Having some slack. Having a body I wont have to think about. Being light and people around me being able to pick me up without thinking.

27. I cave in easily. But only when I feel like I am looking obvious. I just dont want anyone to think I am weird with food. I dont want them to call me out. I am bad at lying!

28. I want that gap because others want it. I want it because a friend back in school (long time ago) wanted it and couldnt have it (the one who kindly pointed out that I had gained weight). And I think its not much of a topic for her anymore but I know myself that this wont leave you. And knowing her insecure mind I believe that just seing me in good shape (fittest in our group) can make her envy me. And I believe she would check my thigh gap. I should check if I dont already have it now... but I have lost my biker shorts. they would have been perfekt.

29. My definition of beauty is seriously so different from what I am doing to myself. As long as you can move healthily I dont even care what size you are. There are some people on the "bigger" side that I have always been jealous of. I mean when I was overweight I also always defined me as the "wrong kind of fat" because there were pretty fat people and not pretty fat people. I was the later. And then if you move with confidence even better. Then I am sold. Thats basically all there is to it. If we go completely superficial then yes, I would probably prefer a pimple free face, smooth skin, symetry and white teeth. "Ordinary Bodily Proportions". But I guess this is just what we as humans have to like because of our genes. It shows health and cleanliness. But I do live in a woke 21st century world so I dont need a pimple to be gone to be able to see your beauty. I like All kinds of colours in skin, hair and everything else. But I do have to admjt that I have a weakness for people that have a certain natural vibe to them. Like... they just not only look stereotypical good or anything. They dont have to match the beauty standard. But every once in like maybe three years, I will walk past a person outside which makes me think "Holy sh1t!" and when you ask me what it was that made me think that I wont be able to give you an answer.

30. Imma leave this one out. I think its boring.