#sorry if its a shitty audio i just wanted to post an audio!!

[sluttysaph]

oh no what happened here😟

feel free to reblog, men dont follow me but feel free to interact with this post only, minors dont even interact!

[martyrbat]

👍👍

[sag-dab-sar]

⚧️ The Gods & Gender ⚧️

Discussing Trans-Exclusive Radical Feminism and the views of the Gods is not "speaking for the Gods,"—it is looking at facts and information and drawing completely reasonable conclusions that squarely put the foundations of trans-exclusion in opposition to the Gods.

(definitely not audio proof read, sorry for the dyslexia)

🌿Aphrodite & Venus🌿

Aphroditos (or Aphroditus) is Aphrodite with male characteristics including a penis and/or beard.

A cult of Aphrodite included a bearded Aphrodite at Amathus, Cyprus on a high cliff temple. [Wikipedia citing Macrobius, Saturnalia III]

Her relationship with bisexuality (referring to being dual sex not sexual orientation in this paper), androgyny, and transvestism is also documented in Cyprus:

— Aphrodite in the Theogony by William Sale in Transactions and Proceedings of the American Philological Association Vol. 92 X

(Sorry for the shitty screenshot JSTOR did not want to work with me)

This worship of Aphrodite with a penis was also seen as equal to Venus:

There's also a statue of Venus on Cyprus, that's bearded, shaped and dressed like a woman, with scepter and male genitals, and they conceive her as both male and female. Aristophanes calls her Aphroditus, and Laevius says: Worshiping, then, the nurturing god Venus, whether she is male or female, just as the Moon is a nurturing goddess. In his Atthis Philochorus, too, states that she is the Moon and that men sacrifice to her in women's dress, women in men's, because she is held to be both male and female." — Macrobius (c. 400s AD), Saturnalia 3.8.2

🌿Hermaphroditus🌿

There is also the "intersex child of Aphrodite & Hermes" named Hermaphroditus.

I have seen many use Hermaphtoditus as an excuse to wipe away the Goddess Aphrodite with a penis that the ancients worshipped. Which doesn't even make sense because I hate to break it to you— Hemaphroditus also opposes TERF ideology by its nature. A God existing as bisexed/dual-sex/bigender (however you'd like to word it) negates the idea that the Gods somehow support the ridged biological essentialism and gender binary that TERF ideology necessitates.

There are different accounts of Hermaphtoditus' creation but one, Ovids, tells of him merging with a nymph and then asking his parents to make the water transformative causing men to have thr effeminate bodies like women:

Her prayer found gods to hear; both bodies merged in one, both blended in one form and face. As when a gardener sets a graft and sees growth seal the join and both mature together, thus, when in the fast embrace their limbs were knit, they two were two no more, nor man, nor woman--one body then that neither seemed and both. So when he saw the waters of the pool, where he had dived a man, had rendered him half woman and his limbs now weak and soft, raising his hands, Hermaphroditus cried, his voice unmanned, ‘Dear father [Hermes] and dear mother [Aphrodite], both of whose names I bear, grant me, your child, that whoso in these waters bathes a man emerge half woman, weakened instantly.’ Both parents hears; both, moved to gratify their bi-sexed son, his purpose to ensure, drugged the bright water with that power impure." — Ovid, Metamorphoses 4. 28 ff (trans. Melville) (Roman epic C1st B.C. to C1st A.D.)

🌿More on Aphroditos vs Hermaphroditus read @theoi-crow's excellent post about them here.

Also some lovely statues:

Marble copy statue from a fresco at Herculaneum, Italy. X (left)

Statue from Pergamum, Turkey. X (center)

Statue from Nymph Sanctuary in Lacori, Italy X (right)

Statue from Pompeii, Italy X

🌿Inana & Ishtar🌿

From a hymn to Inana

To open up roads and paths, a place of peace for the journey, a companion for the weak, are yours, Inana. To keep paths and ways in good order, to shatter earth and to make it firm are yours, Inana. To destroy, to build up, to tear out and to settle are yours, Inana. To turn a man into a woman and a woman into a man are yours, Inana. Desirability and arousal, goods and property are yours, Inana. Gain, profit, great wealth and greater wealth are yours, Inana. Gaining wealth and having success in wealth, financial loss and reduced wealth are yours, Inana. Observation (1 ms. has instead: Everything), choice, offering, inspection and approval are yours, Inana. Assigning virility, dignity, guardian angels, protective deities and cult centres are yours, Inana. — A Hymn to Inana (Inana-C) ETCSL 4.07.3 in Lines 115-131.

This shows:

Inana has the power to change a person's gender/sex .... which means people can change gender/sex

This is listed among other normal things such as journeys, wealth, settlements so on. Suggesting that it wasn't super special, it was a part of Sumerian society that Inana was given power over.

This was written by Enheduanna High Priestess of Nanna, Ur's city God, and Inana. Inana was a popular Sumerian deity and Enhenduanna's father, Sargon of Akkad's, personal deity was Ištar. One of Enhenduanna's goals as a priestess was to conflate the popular Sumerian deity Inana with her father's Akkadian personal Goddess Ištar. Then raise Inana (and thus her father's personal Goddess Ištar) to an extremely high place in cosmology and explain just how much control she had in society— including over sex/gender.

Also from @sisterofiris's post on Inana's queer priests here.

🌿Nanaya🌿

In later times Inana/Ištar was equated with Nanaya but in earlier times they were worshipped side by side as separate deities. While Inana's hymn gives her rule of gender, a Nanaya hymn has her directly declaring she has breasts in Dadumu and a beard in Babylon. Leick also mentions here that Ištar was worshipped in both genders.

—Dictionary of Ancient Near Eastern Mythology by Gwendolyn Leick. Page 125.

🌿Asūšunamir with Ereškigal🌿

In Ištar's Descent (not Inana's) Ea's plan to distract Ereškigal and get her to bring Inana back to life is to make a beautiful being. Ea makes an incredibly beautifully brilliant being that's mere aesthetic presence will make Ereškigal happy and let her defenses down. And Asūšunamir's beauty works..... and he is an eunuch, an effeminate male, potentially queer from the ancient's eyes. And yet he is so beautiful he distracts a Goddess.

— The Ancient Near East and Anyhology of Texts and Pictures, edited by Pritchard. Ishtar Descent translation by E.A Speiser. Page 80.

🌿Eštan / Ištanu🌿

The Anatolians (Hittite in particular) loved to both mix deities and keep them entirely dependent like 8 solar deities and 50 storm Gods. But sometimes Hittite, Hurrian, Hattic, Indo-European, Mesopotamian all meld together making the identification of gender ambiguous or even interchangeable.

Eštan is one example (who has numerous equatings):

—A Handbook of Gods and Goddesses of The Ancient Near East by Frayne & Stuckey. Page 105

You can also learn more about the Ištanu and the Sun Goddess of Arinna and her gender from @sisterofiris in a post here.

__

I'm sure there are more! But this was my quick round up and sources I could put together. To all the trans & non-binary polytheists out there, you aren't abnormal and the Gods see you for who you truly are.

Edit: Want some more? Learn about the feminine qualities of Apollo

[jojoqin]

Why the remake cabin kicks the OG’s ass -an analysis 🔎

Basically it has to do with a lot of elements. Sound, cinematic framing, how well written the entire segment is in general. All that sweet jazz. Also sorry in advance, I had to gifmaker some shitty gifs because I needed examples 😭💀

So I read up on a lot of filmmaking for this post about what makes a good set piece. At the start, the game already sets it up by subconsciously familiarizing the player with the cabin; making it one of the first areas we pass by. There’s something about how you see it in its position; in between the trees, sort of in the same center as the bridge, very by itself. Clearly it’s important. Later, the Saddler mindfuck scene at the church actually shows us why the villagers are on the chase. And it's all tied to how well realized the cult theme is in the entire story. It puts a slightly more sinister spin on the villagers' motivation compared to the og where it sometimes feels like they're purely used as obstacles.

And yes there’s actually PAYOFF this time. No more "vamanos" and the villagers just leave. Or for Luis to ask "so what now?". This time the villagers' condition gets woven into new exposition and a new goal; the Plaga ordeal inside the characters. And the end scene defines Luis role. A great set piece should have a well written purpose to advance the plot forward. And we actually experience first hand the whole hive mind thing instead of getting a 5 min Saddler monologue about it.

Talking about the technical stuff in scenes too. Like listen to the music and audio during the run up towards and after Luis closes the door, the music become this muffled droning as soon as the door is shut. It indicates that you've entered a different space that's more confined and sheltered from the outside w/o immediately breaking the ambient tension. Not necessarily an upgrade from the og but in the og, the escalating music stops because the payoff is seeing Luis. Whilst the remake still likes to remind you that you're still in a weird situation.

I also talked before how the camera loves to follow characters. In this shot you follow Leon forward and then you’re backing up behind Luis in this continuous camera movement. And see how tight the camera sticks behind Leon’s shoulder? He takes up like 75% of the frame at one point, with the camera subtly zooming in even though Luis is the focus. There’s a visceral feel in the confrontation, how its putting pressure on Luis just by how the scene is directed.

And the sound during that is like auditory storytelling. I know my audio doesn’t quite do it justice because it’s been compressed to shit so y’all might want to seek out the actual scene. But when Luis hits the wall here, the strings fade out and the sound of the rain is brought forward. Audio-wise, it’s like it’s bringing our focus to the presence of Luis and Ashley. It's also just ASMR af.

Another example of the fluid camera transition from earlier is when Ashley hides. The camera leads away from her and it follows that same “leading away” movement when it transition cuts to the window with Leon going into frame. Like look how seamless it tells action w/o having to do a lot of harsh cuts unlike the gif of the og below. The remake tends to show multiple activities either within the same shot or following a visual style so that it's easy to digest.

And holy shit, the way the music just disappears when our dudes take position here is so FUCKING GOOD. Because all you hear is the echo of the cult chanting and the ASMR patter of rain. I think of the silence as equivalent to taking a deep breath. And it’s funny because the sound effect when the scene transitions to the player is just this very intense and layered sound of exhaling. The way the camera also pulls back in the cutscene so that there’s no break from scene to gameplay just makes it so immersive.

Also those two shots we get from Leon and Luis’ perspectives before the gameplay is kinda interesting too. Very “Main Character POV” angle because the camera is positioned at the guys’ eye level, as if we the audience are directly in front of them. At that moment we sort of take the place of the characters as the player. The “it’s game time” line is so hype because it actually does feel like it’s being said to us.

I think the writing for the fight itself is way better than in the og. There's a real rhythm to how the conflict happens; a somewhat story structure. The setup, the moment things go to shit, the resolution. The setup happens in the cutscenes and as you're battling the early wave of villagers. The Plaga baddies I see as the first climax, because they only start conveniently popping up around the time you're scrambling to get the new boards. You get them up and there's your sort of downtime, the 'falling action' before things ramp up again.

There’s a clear transition to "the moment things go to shit" phase; it's all the elements working together in the entire segment. You get a visual cue which is the ladder, an auditory cue of the noise upstairs, and then you get the in-game cue from Luis. And the musical cue is particularly what the remake does best. Like often when it wants to change up the pace during a certain part, they'll simplify the track but make it a bit deeper to build up this new adrenaline.

And every big set piece needs constrasty elements to show different perspectives. I believe just the simple imagery of seeing the mob outside as you're constantly having to kick the ladder is so effective because it shows scale. It makes us actually feel that the problem is as big as it is. It's a smart show of perspective especially after starting the fight in a confined area. This part of it was kind of weird in the og. Even though there's a mob, you could always stare out some window and it'll just be a void there (probably due to the graphical limitations).

But before you even trigger the Bull Head dude's cutscene, like again, you already hear an auditory cue of him. Also his addition makes the scene a true "everything is going to shit" moment. You kinda need that enemy as a standout variety. Like the og is iconic but it's very straightforward with the ambience and the enemy encounter. In the remake, everything is an escalating bombardment to the senses. Especially on the first playthrough, at this point you're on your last leg, no heal, no shotgun/rifle ammo left, the cult chanting is overwhelmingly loud now. It's funny but also apt that when Ashley saves the guys, she's enveloped in this holy light. Even the camera angle that's positioned lower looking up visually puts her in a higher position than the audience.

[mx-mehri]

I could only do small clips, but here is day 1 and 2 of crow noises combined!

I don’t really have a good microphone so I’m just using my tablet’s mic. plus, I’m inside a cabinet (it a comfy hiding spot, especially for using my vocal cords in ways I don’t want my family hearing much of!) so the audio actually sounds quite shitty. sorry, I’ll find a better way to record this soon…

day 1 is, well, bad. you can’t expect otherwise! I’m only starting and it definitely shows. however, there’s one really short caw that I’m REALLY proud of. can you hear it? I think it’s super believable on its own! I haven’t been able to recreate the noise, though. it was only out of luck :(

day 2 doesn’t have much to it, but I seem to be getting the hang of things? but it still doesn’t sound crow-like at all. I still haven’t figured it out. if I keep trying, then I’ll get it eventually!

I’m not actually gonna post these daily. I’ll probably post them every few days or so. they would get repetitive otherwise, I think

if anyone wants to share any tips or something, I’d appreciate it! just be nice, please :7

I’m gonna have fun embarrassing myself

[vixthefantheorist]

Thoughts on Audio findings

I originally had this typed up on phone but THAT got lost when I had to put it down in the middle of typing to do something because it needed my attention. Came back to it to find that my tumblr app decided to close the tab... so all that was lost. -angy rifter noises- So starting this over AGAIN... I realized I never typed up my thoughts and guess of what was going on in the audio files. I was functioning at 4 hours of sleep yesterday and I had things to do but I had promised to at least get those files out there for everyone. I rushed to get them out there that my brain dead, too tired to think properly self forgot to do the... you know thing of explaining what I thought of what I found. And for that I apologize, I'm sure some of you were curious of what I thought about them and provide a theory for it. And I will provide it here.

But I do want to get something clear, I know I missed a few things in my run around deciphering audio; like Echo's conversation with Chase. I know people burn for it but with my current dismal skill of Audacity and audio editing in general, I couldn't do anything to see if there was any actual words in there or it was just sounds that only Chase (currently for now) could understand and leave us to guess what the hell was being said. For all we know the sounds Echo gives are some kind of code, I don't know. I don't even have the basic understanding of editing or usage of Audacity to even begin to pick that apart. The there's the whispers of Anti's mental assault on Chase's psyche, there's so much going on in there I... couldn't even begin to know where to start on working with that. That's why I gave the full audio of the video in the files I provided in my previous post. Take a crack at it and share it. Heh, We all want to know! Now, I can provide what I heard with a few audio bits. I'm sorry for the wait! I apologize for the volume for the files, I forgot I was wearing a pair of headphones that have its own volume so I had like 2-3x the volume control... which led me to not really change the volume in the files... but I will add these to the google drive for download and you can fiddle with the volume. Though in hindsight, I think that's for the best; with my shitty audacity skills, I could have blown out people's ears. And that would be bad. At least this way, you can adjust them to your own liking without going deaf by some idiot like me. XD First off, starting at 11:13-11:16. This little timestamp holds this Anti whisper...

Originally, I thought it said, "You can't hide from me." (It probably still does) But upon further fiddling around to make Anti's voice clearer, my thoughts on what he says changed. It sounds to me like he says, "You can't help his fate." Followed by his eye. Interesting! Given the fact his eye flickers on the screen like that makes me believe he's talking to whomever is watching through the camera in Chase's room. Meaning Anti is well aware of someone else in the room, watching Chase like he's watching even though he hasn't even shown up yet. Very much talking to US, the viewers, (as well as possibly the other party. Haha, nudge nudge, wink wink. Assuming he even does know they're there. Don't know) since we're the ones hacking the joint to seek out Chase. (Then again when haven't we been meddling around look for the Egos? As well as look for Anti? Come on, you know we were all there for sights of them all. He knows this and it doesn't surprise him that we're here. In fact, he's enjoying this. (I am so sorry, Chase! We were trying to help you, I swear!)) Speaking of that other party! We're at the set of lines I was the most curious of. On the Day Anti decides to drop by for visit to the IRIS facility we get to hear THESE whispers. At 19:58 - 20:04 A lot going on in there huh? But what little you do hear is that someone else (or a group) are already here. Why they are here, we're not sure. But I'll give you some clearer audio files of that same timestamp. I know its a bit hard to hear some of the dialogue in there I don't know how to clean it up any better, sorry. But from what I was able to hear (and probably lost my mind in the abyss of Audacity) is : "You know we have a plan. We can't be here."

"We have/got to go"

"Stop being stupid!" * The one saying "We have/got to go" sounds a bit like Echo... (or the pitch is high, very likely the pitch is high) And the last line... I don't even know where to begin with that one. It sounded like, *"Stop being stupid" "Stop sounding stupid" or "Stop sending stuff". The last bit of that dialogue is just super distorted and I don't know how to fix it, I'm sorry. But of the three guesses to that one thing, I just chose the one that made more sense for the argument. Now is the version of the same time stamp where we only hear Anti's demonic screeching. Settle down there, eldritch boy.

It might not be anything of actual value but the way it sounds, to me at least, sounds like Anti is screeching Chase's name. Creepy. But with all of these together... we can somewhat get a picture here. Besides us, the viewers being here to see Chase and try to find a way to help him, there's another party that's also there, making their own plan. What the plan is... I don't know for sure but I have a guess. Whatever the case is the pair (I don't know if its just two guys, two guys and Echo, or one dude and Echo, working together. For now I'm thinking just the two guys here) are arguing over what to do. These other files are what sounds to be the other half of the pair, arguing back with their partner of what to do. (20:07-20:08, 20:09-20:10, 20:13-20:15, 20:18-20:18, 20:25-20:28)

"No! We are going for it." This one wants to deviate from the plan and do something else while they have the chance, much to their partner's annoyance. But one of them states, "We gotta go." In confusion the partner asks, "What did you see?" Instead of answering the question, they merely urge the other, "Go." They seem to be aware of something, "Whatever happens happens." Suddenly an alarm blares, red lights flashing all over the place as Chase figures that something is happening from Arin's mannerisms and urgency to move. Those very same alarms seem to surprise our other party! One of them exclaiming, "What?!" at the alarm system going on. From the sounds of... My guess is that they didn't see that one coming. (-cue Last Surprise from Persona 5- ...I'm sorry I had to.) Though there is one piece of the whispers I can probably point out at 20:53-20:55. It sounds like it says "He won't give up." I'm not entirely sure, so if anyone can figure that out, cool. And as Chase is dragged down the hall, kicking and screaming, begging to be released... we hear one last thing... before things go silent in that hallway. (21:09-21:11) Anti whispering softly, "This is your grave."

*~*~*~*~*

My Summarizing Thoughts :

So what I can gather from all this... is that the same time we were poking around IRIS' computer systems, there was another party at the facility. I don't know if they were imprisoned in there as well or had broken in on their own. They had a plan of their own that they were going to do but I guess our meddling with the systems changed things for them. I don't know if they're here for the Stone Tablet or somehow planned it to be there to collect Chase and escape the facility together with the rock... maybe, I don't I'm just guessing here. But I don't think they accounted for our meddling which allowed Anti to speedrun (I can't help but think of Anti going "SPEEDRUN!" running around in there) the facility, forcing the party to go into action. What that action is, is anyone's guess. My guess though, is that they're going to try to rescue Chase. How, I'm not sure. Either intercepting from one of the T section of halls Chase is sitting at and block Anti from him or if Marvin is there or something, magic his ass out of there before Anti can kill him. Either case, that scene is not over! And I can't wait (of course I'll wait, I want Sean to have the time to make it as spectacular as he wants it to be and to do that, he needs time. I'm a patient birb) to see what that will entail and what will happen! Also I would like to apologize... again. I wanted this post out MUCH earlier in the day but I kept getting interrupted in my typing. And then, I originally wanted to add audio clips to talk about them, sadly I wasn't aware that there was a limit of how many flies/links one can add to a post. And I really didn't want to break this into two parts... so... here! A SUPER ASS LONG ONE! With timestamps to match to the files I gave. (Yes, I'm well aware there's a lot of files with the same timestamps, I will move those into a folder within the JSE IRIS Clues folder and leave it for anyone to see them if they want. That has been updated as I wrote this out) Well, I hope you guys enjoyed my thoughts on the files. I'm curious to what you guys think, or discover on your own with the audio files I gave. Please do share them, Sean did point out about looking into the audio so I hope there are others out there mining away at this to truly uncover the hidden clues within! At least we know there is another party involved! I'm sorry we screwed up your plans, honest! Please save Chase.

[unorcadox]

2 years of unorcadox.

hey hi welcome all -- hello especially to my trans and nonbinary followers, hope we’re all doing well ^_^  today’s the blog’s birthday!!  as of this post going live, assuming tumblr actually does its job, it will have been 2 years since uo’s first post!  i wanna just talk about the blog a little because i haven’t talked on here much as of late.

however, before that, i want to just say that i’d like to eventually start releasing video edits to accompany certain edits!  i have no idea when this’ll get sorted, but i’m gonna try to get it ready by the turn of the year, so keep an eye out for that!  these will mostly just be a single edit with accompanying audio on them, but who knows.  maybe i’ll do something more?

in case you choose to not read the stuff below the read more, i just want to say thank you to everyone for supporting the blog over the years, and for continuing to do so!  anyways, onto the actual post:

first of all, thank you all SO much for 9000 followers!!  it’s over 9000 wow!!  ok but seriously, when i first started this blog, i didn’t expect anyone to ever see it.  i know it’s a cliche thing to say but i told no one i was making it, i didn’t network to other blogs, i just made a really shitty edit and slapped it up on here, and somehow i got lucky.  i’ve made over 800 edits as of today’s post, and that’s just the ones i’ve posted!  fun fact, if i’d never mass-posted my backlog in august, i would’ve ran out literally days ago.  that’s how much content i try to stay ahead on.

second of all, i kinda wanna take a moment to say that i’m sorry about the lack of requests being fulfilled -- both recently and in the past.  i edit in batches, and prioritize content i need for scheduling purposes, but sometimes requests get kinda forgotten in the shuffle, or i don’t really have much in the way of ideas for it, so i shelve it and hope i can come back to it later... which i very rarely do.  😔  going to try and catch up on a couple of ones i have and feel free to send in more!  i know i don’t really interact as much on here as i probably should, but i love getting asks and requests and i read the notes on my posts frequently so.  thank you for being there!

third of all, the future of the blog.  so, i want to make this clear now -- uo’s not going anywhere!  i don’t intend on changing the blog at all, if anything i’d want to add onto it.  i post 3 times a day now currently, with intermittent unplanned posts at off-times, mostly reblogs of others’ edits.  however, weirdcore is probably not forever and i am kinda thinking about where this blog could go in the future.  i’ve considered opening a redbubble, ko-fi or patreon, as a way to support myself financially (i take virtually every photo used on this blog, and use very little outside content esp. in these newer edits) but i am uncertain about it.  i could also try branching out my image editing into other styles or something, but idk what!  what would you guys like to see?  i’ve considered actually talking on the blog more, transitioning to having text posts be a major part of the blog, but i’m not quite sure about how they’d be received.  let me know if you want to see anything on here!  --  relatedly since we’re mentioning blogs, check out @dreamlink3d as i’m still working on it :)

one last thing actually, for those who choose to read the read more, enjoy the secret -- before i had to go on hiatus in august, i was working on trying to attach songs to specific uo edits, for a compilation album of some kind.  i ended up running them through a site that just attaches audio to an uploaded images in ...ways i don’t understand, BUT the end results were so fun, i edited and compiled them into 2 “albums”!  i don’t consider them my own work as i didn’t make the audio, and they won’t be used in the upcoming stuff, but you can listen to them here [1] and here [2] !  click on a song title to see its associated edit btw!

i know i said the last thing was the last but i just remembered actually, i want to say like.  it’s weird being one of the “first” weirdcore blogs to really hit its stride, and one of the only from that time to still be around and actively posting.  cahwwcabh is deactivated and they were a huge influence on me and wc as a whole, sanfor has deactivated, shwenthe/hazy/dragon/hauntedearth/a lot more tbh have more or less gone inactive, godenteredmybody and pirate-flavor still post intermittently, and most of the active blogs now are a newer set that i didn’t ever meet in my time in weirdcord.  it’s weird but cool in a way!  i really like the newer set of editors tbh, and i hope that me supporting them encourages people to check them out.  in general this whole section is meaningless but idk i felt like vocalizing it.  it’s a weird feeling watching all your peers more or less move on while you stay behind and see a new wave of artists take their place more or less.  anyways, i just hope that my edits still bring happiness and meaning to the people who see them :)

ok NOW i’m done.  sorry for the wall LMAO i just felt like actually saying something for once on here.  btw i’ve been doing a lot better since i got back from hiatus, i hope you (yes you, the reader of this post) are doing well too -- i know this blog tends to lean heavily on negative emotions, and as such it kinda attracts people who are troubled -- so i feel like i gotta check in every once in a while LMAO.  i hope life is being kind to you, thank you so much, and have a lovely day <3.

[shadowsong26fic]

Papa and J---- Update!

Author: shadowsong26

Rating: PG/PG-13

Fandom: Les Misérables

Characters: Technically all on-page characters are OCs; Valjean, Cosette, Marius, and Javert are discussed as historical personalities. Backstory Cosette/Marius and heavily implied Valjean/Javert.

Warnings: Nothing specific, I don’t think?

Summary: Euphrasie Pontmercy–known in the art world as La Jardinière–isn’t exactly a household name. Still, the sheer length of her active career (her work was first displayed and sold in 1839, and she left one last work unfinished at her death in 1910) makes her interesting to people who actually study that century in art. But as far as the historical record is concerned, Jardinière seems to have sprung semi-fully-formed from the streets of Paris somewhere in the mid-to-late 1820s. Other than the fact that she was educated in a convent, essentially nothing is known about her parents or her childhood.

Until now.

Or:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a PhD student with no thesis topic must be in want of an undiscovered painting to go absolutely feral over.

Disclaimer: All characters are the property of their respective creators.

Notes: Here we are with Chapter 3! Where Ari talks to Phil’s mom and gets a little more background/family lore. Which is...fairly accurate, even after nearly two centuries of generational telephone, lol. also I am. Tempted. to find someone to commission to actually make a version of the painting are any of y’all who might be artists interested/does anyone have any recommendations of artists who are open for commissions who do that kind of style

Updates will be posted here on Thursdays and crossposted to AO3 on Fridays.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Wednesday afternoon, as soon as the last class I was TAing let out, I headed back to Phil’s house. I’d spoken with his mother on the phone the night before, and she’d agreed to meet me at four. Foot in the door, at least. First hurdle cleared.

Traffic was shit, because of course it was on a day I needed things to run smoothly, and I got there about five minutes late.

The woman who answered the door when I knocked was a little bit shorter than me, with the same bright blue eyes Phil had. Too old to be his sister, so this must be his mom.

“Hi, I’m sorry I’m late,” I said. “I’m Ari Wright, we talked on the phone?”

“Of course,” she said, and smiled, stepping aside. “Please, come in, ah…?”

“Ari is fine,” I said, and followed her inside. “Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me, Mrs. Riley.”

“Oh, please, Louise is fine,” she said. “Would you like some water, tea?”

“Uh, water would be great, thanks,” I said.

She left me in the living room, excusing herself to go into the kitchen to get it, which gave me another minute alone with the painting.

Which was just as ordinary-extraordinary as it had been on Friday night. Exactly like I remembered it.

To be fair, I’d spent probably way too many hours the past few days studying my shitty phone pictures of it, so.

“I have to admit,” Mrs. Riley--Louise--said, rejoining me and setting a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses on the table. “I was a little surprised when Phil told me one of his friends was interested in Mémé Cosette’s painting.”

I stepped away from the wall and sat in one of the armchairs--not the couch; that would have been Awkward at least in the back of my brain. “I saw it when I was over here with Phil the other day, and…well, it jumped out at me.”

“Right,” she said. “So, what exactly are you looking for here?”

“Well, I was hoping to get your permission to do a more thorough study of the piece,” I said, then hesitated. “…if I can start by asking you some questions? About the painting and its history, whatever you know about it. And recording, if that’s okay. Easier than taking notes.”

“That’s fine,” she said, picking up her glass and settling into one of the other chairs.

I took a sip from the other glass, then set my phone to record audio and put it on the middle of the coffee table. “I suppose I should start with...well, I’m not sure how much you’re aware of your ancestor’s career--Phil wasn’t, at least?”

Louise smiled. “I know who Mémé Cosette was, or at least what I was told about her,” she said. “Euphrasie Pontmercy, also known as La Jardinère. I always liked listening to the family stories.”

“What can you tell me about the painting?” I asked. Obviously, if I went forward, anything she told me would have to be backed up by other sources. Anecdotal family history had a funny way of getting tweaked or embellished over the years, especially when the relative in question was someone even moderately famous. “Phil told me it’s always been in your family, and she’s your…”

“Great-great…great grandmother, I think,” Louise said, taking a moment to count. “My grandmother’s grandfather was her son René.”

The youngest of the five children. Right.

“I’m not sure how exactly the painting ended up in my great-grandmother’s possession, as opposed to any of the other children or grandchildren, but I know she was the one who brought it with her to the States, when she emigrated from France in 1912.” She smiled wryly. “According to the story, they almost boarded Titanic at Cherbourg, but one or more of the children had the measles. Or possibly diphtheria, I’ve heard different things at different times.”

“Not something you’d normally think of as lucky,” I said.

“No, not really,” she agreed. “Like I said, that’s the story, and who knows if it’s true. But I do know that the painting came to my great-grandmother somehow, and she passed it on to my grandmother Marie-Celeste, who left it to me. Since I was the only one of her grandchildren who liked to listen to her stories.”

“Had she actually met La Jardinière?” I asked. It was possible--if they’d been planning to sail in 1912, and Jardinière had died in 1910…

“A few times,” Louise confirmed. “She was about six when Mémé Cosette died, but she remembered visiting her.”

Well, that was a pretty damn solid foundation for the painting’s provenance. Again, I’d have to back up the authentication in other ways, but this was looking more and more promising.

“What about the subjects?” I asked. “The men in the painting, I mean. It’s labeled as Papa and J. Do you know anything about them?”

“Only the stories,” she said. “She was adopted, did you know that? Mémé Cosette, I mean.”

That was interesting; adoption wasn’t a very common practice in the early nineteenth century, at least not in the United States or Great Britain, and most of what did happen was very much behind closed doors. I made a mental note to add the history of French adoption law to my research list. It was unlikely, but maybe I’d get lucky, and there would be some kind of record of the adoption somewhere. If I could track down exactly when and where it happened.

“No, I didn’t,” I said. “Unless there’s something in an obscure French biography I haven’t been able to find and muddle through, I don’t think anyone knows much of anything about her childhood. Which is one of the reasons this painting is so interesting. When did this happen? And where?”

“I don’t know where, exactly,” Louise said. “Some little town in Normandy, maybe? Somewhere in the north of France, I’m pretty sure. Again, according to the family stories. It was when she was around seven or eight, I think? Before that…I don’t know. My grandmother didn’t know, or if she did she never told me, but I think she had the impression that it wasn’t a very good situation. And then Mémé Cosette was adopted, so that’s where Papa came into her life.”

“Do you have a name for him?” I asked. “Her marriage license listed her maiden name as Fauchelevent, but was that his name, or from her birth parents…?”

“That I don’t know,” she said. “All I know is that she was adopted, and that she named her eldest son for her adoptive father.”

And Jardinière’s eldest son’s name was Jean, which was. Extremely, unhelpfully common.

“Do you know which of the men he is?” I asked. “In the painting, I mean.”

Louise got up and went to the wall to examine it. “I…think the bearded man. My grandmother obviously never met him, and I think her grandfather--René, I mean--was very young when he died, but that matches up with what she heard from her aunts and uncles, as she passed it on to me. He was a very private person, and supposedly very strong. One story--and I can’t say I believe it’s true--involved him physically carrying another man to safety for something like twelve hours after some kind of disaster.”

Which…well, Louise was right, that story didn’t seem all that credible. But the more general description, and the kind of man who would give rise to that sort of story, did match up with the impression the painting gave.

I stood up as well, leaving my glass on the coffee table, and joined her at the painting. “What about the other man? The mysterious J?”

“We’re back to a game of generational telephone on this one,” Louise said. “I know even less about him. But my grandmother said he was a close friend of the family, according to what Mémé Cosette told her when she asked once. That he and her--that is, Mémé Cosette’s--father lived together for the last decade or so of his life. Not sure which him she meant.”

…well, all right then.

My eye was, once again, drawn to J’s hand, resting on the back of the chair. And they lived together, maybe, for a decade or so.

Of course, that could mean a lot of different things. And, you know, it’s easy to see what you want to see, especially when there’s so little information to go on. Whatever their relationship was, though, I’d been right in my initial impression of intimacy. Whatever kind of intimacy it was.

“Right,” I said. “I think that’s a good baseline, at least for now, but I might have more questions later. And I…not that I’m saying I doubt your version of the story, or anything, but…”

“But if you want to actually research the painting, you need more proof than half-remembered family stories after two centuries of generational telephone,” Louise said, and smiled again. “It’s fine, I know how research works. I remember when my husband got his Master’s degree.”

“Yeah, exactly,” I said. “Thank you, for your understanding. Um, so, with your permission, I would like to borrow the painting for a few weeks. To authenticate it, and do a more detailed analysis of the technique and construction and so on, see what else I can learn from the actual physical piece.”

“Right,” Louise said, turning back to the painting again, thinking. “Just to study it, you said? And, obviously, write about your findings if you find anything worth writing about. But you won’t put the painting on display in a museum or anything?”

I shook my head. “Not unless you agree to it, no. I’d take photographs, to include with the paper, but the painting itself won’t go on display unless you allow it.”

“And when you cite it…I don’t know how it works, exactly, but you wouldn’t have to specifically name me?”

“No, I can just list it as being in a private collection.”

“Right,” she said. “…I have to admit, now that you’re here asking questions…I didn’t really think about it before. How many gaps there are in the story.”

“It’s funny how memory works sometimes,” I said. “Especially…well, like you said, when generational telephone gets involved.”

And it was…a weirdly appropriate question in context, since that was something Jardinière had come back to time and time again in her work. This idea of memory, and how it lines up with reality. How it changes. Those repeat paintings she’d made of the same locations in Paris over the years. The series of paintings of her own memories.

And, of course, her last painting. Souvenir--inachevé. Memory--unfinished.

Definitely need to get to Chicago to see it in person.

“True,” she said. “All right. Under those conditions--that the painting won’t be displayed, and that you’ll leave my name out of it, you have my permission to borrow it and do whatever tests or study you need for your research.”

“Thank you!” I said. “Thank you so much, this…I really appreciate all your help, Mrs.--Louise.”

“You’re welcome,” she said. “And I hope you’ll share whatever you find with me, before publishing?”

“Of course,” I said. “It’s your painting, your family history.”

“Good,” she said, and smiled again. “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

“Me, too,” I said. “Me, too.”

[lyriquette]

Old RWBY AU description from the Frosen Steel chat server - 1/25/2021

This is a continuation of the Salem and Ozpin reincarnating into Penny's head (/prior post if queueing is working properly.). The Qrow and Winter convo about sobering up is probably the one I'm most proud of.

__

lilac — 01/25/2021 10:52 PM

Soo...>>. just gonna yell more background involving the au with Salem and Ozpin reincarnating into Penny's head.

Jacques had managed to get away from the White Fang that day by using his children and his bodyguards as bait, but it did not come without its consequences. When Jacques Schnee held the press conference to salvage his reputation, Momma Schnee, in an unprecedented act of assertiveness, threw a slap to his face before throwing the divorce papers right into his chest.

“Get away from my kids. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

“What is the meaning of thi-“

Willow pressed a button on her scroll, and the quiet background music was replaced by an audio clip.

----

“Both of you, stop following me! They’ll spot us easily from the bleeding!”

“Father!” Whitley exclaimed.

“Sorry, son. We have to part ways. The Schnee Dust Company will fall without me. I’m too important to die!”

A startled cry could be heard, followed by the soft sound of something falling. Numerous clicks, reminiscent of a safety coming off, could be heard.

“Stop following me.”

“You monster!” Weiss’s voice growled out, “Ordering people to draw guns on your own children.”

“Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good,” Jacques said self-righteously.

The audio clipped shut out.

----

Willow didn’t quite get custody of the kids. Jacques didn’t manage it either. Turns out being an extreme alcoholic who neglected her kids for a good number of years worked against her. Though at this point, anything would be better than awarding custody of the Schnee kids to a man who purposefully put them in a situation where they could get killed.

It didn’t stop the Atlasian Government from trying though. The man nearly won custody because he had the “means to take care of them”, and it took a mysteriously-appearing stack of information appearing on General Ironwood’s desk involving the recent financial transactions of the jurors and judge that made the head of Atlas himself act.

Willow just wanted her kids out of the house, even if they couldn’t come with her. It would hurt, but she’d understand. What probably prevented Jacques Gele from fighting as hard as he could was that she offered to let him keep everything so long as he never interacted with them again. Faced with both his greed and an Ironwood ready to lay down the law, Jacques reluctantly let go of his rights to his children.

However, Ironwood was also uncomfortable with letting a woman who, by all counts, seemed to have neglected her children for a greater part of their life, a lot of it because of alcoholism. So he required her to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and set her up with a mentor who had beaten his alcoholism, though he didn’t come willing at first. He had to call a favor from Headmistress Goodwitch who threatened Professor Ozpin who in turn called the man in question, Qrow Branwen.

----------------------------------------

Willow works as both a programmer and security specialist with one of the local businesses in the area. The business had its misgivings at first, but when Willow breaks into their core security with nothing more than a shitty laptop and some social engineering, she’s hired on the spot. Pretty soon, everyone, even the big boss, begin to see her as the boss, because she knew her way around corporate bureaucracy and navigated through it well. In a couple of years, they’re one of the top ten digital security companies in Mantle.

The Schnee family’s new home is now located several blocks from Penny’s house, a place they continued living in despite Willow’s success. To her, the people were more sincere here, but more importantly her family loved it here compared to the central city of Atlas where they had to constantly put up a façade.

---------------------------

Qrow and Willow slowly test the waters in their first meeting and eventually have a heart-to-heart. He begins to tell her his tale.

Like Willow, Qrow had to pick up his life after alcoholism. He was one of the rare Hunters in the business along with his sister after Mantle cleaned up the local bandits in the area. Going on the run, they sought refuge in Vale and eventually enrolled into Beacon under Headmistress Glynda and Assistant Headmaster Oobleck. Team STRQ was going well until they encountered the real world. There was no such thing as fighting the good fight, just eliminating the enemies of the Kingdom – people who have been neglected and oppressed by society and could only survive by fighting back – people who could empathize with having lived as a bandit before. He eventually quit being a Hunter but because he had no physical reason for why he couldn't perform his duties, Vale forced him into a dishonorable discharge and prevented him from getting benefits during his stint in the military.

He eventually got into an unfulfilling bodyguard gig and sunk deep into his alcoholism because of the unfairness of it all. When he started arriving to work drunk, he got fired. He probably would’ve been out on the street If it weren’t for his savings he accumulated over the years from the military.

--

“How did you decide enough was enough?” Willow asked.

“…”, the man shifted uneasily, the question clearly uncomfortable for him.

“Err. I’m sorr-“

"No. No. It’s a valid question,” Qrow waved a hand shaking his head, “I just…I just never told anyone about it before.”

“I wish I could say it was a piece of cake. That I did it through my own strength of will and flipped my alcoholism off as though I flicked off a switch,” Qrow said with a rueful grin before sighing, “But it’d be a disservice to you. And as much as James and I dislike each other, he trusted me enough to give you sound advice.”

“You’ve met my niece earlier, Ruby,” Qrow said.

Willow furrowed her brows at the non-sequitur.

“Yes. She’s a nice girl, even if my youngest daughter doesn’t want to adm-“

“What if I were to tell you that I nearly pointed a gun at her when she was 8?” Qrow deadpanned.

Willow stopped speaking upon hearing that, her words caught in her throat and her eyes wide in horror.

“And that I nearly did it over a stupid prank?” Qrow took another breath as he continued, “Because all she wanted was attention from the uncle who ignored her for most of the weekend cause he was drinking?”

His hands shook as he quietly pulled out a silver flask from his vest.

“So she hid all the alcohol in the house while her uncle was asleep,” Qrow frowned deeply as he stared at his reflection in the well-polished flask. Loathing and hatred and a burning urge to hurt could be seen in his eyes, causing Willow to step back instinctively. “And when he woke up in need of something to curb the hangover and figuring out what his niece did…” the man then bellowed, “he started to desperately demand where his drinks were and began to lose his patience with his niece who still thought everything was still a game.”

“And then it stopped being a game. Because in that moment all I saw was an enemy who had to be dealt with so I could get what I needed.” Qrow let out a sigh and let some of the tension in his limbs go, “And I think she saw the difference too, because she started looking at me the same way you’re looking at me now.”

Willow’s breath caught in her throat.

He shuddered.

“I’m grateful,” Qrow smiled faintly, “For that tiny bit of clarity that stopped me from pulling out my pistol that day,” he said, “When I saw her face full of fear, the only thought that ran through my head was ‘what the hell was wrong with me?’ I hugged her and apologized and played everything off as a joke and promised to take her out for pancakes, and everything was okay again.”

“But it wasn’t okay. Only I knew that day how close I came to pulling my weapon on my niece,” Qrow closed his eyes solemnly before opening them again.

“And now you do too.”

“Qrow…” Willow truly didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t reconcile the playful, rogueish man as a guy who would pull a gun on a kid, much less a niece as adorable as his own. And though he didn’t direct his emotions at her specifically, she could feel the anger and rage and self-loathing he felt as he recalled his painful past for her own sake.

“I checked myself in to a rehab facility as soon as Tai picked Ruby up,” Qrow continued on, running a hand through his hair, “During my first year alone, I relapsed twenty-two times and sent myself to the hospital around half of those cause my alcohol tolerance no longer matched my bingeing.”

He paced back and forth, clearly trying to figure out what one recovering alcoholic should be saying to someone who wanted to stop. <c> 73

“It’s going to be hard at parties,” Qrow continued, “Seeing everyone around you enjoying their drinks while you’re forced to sip on some non-alcoholic Tomato-Lime Sipper will eat at you inside.” He frowned at the mention of the drink before he added, “It’ll be even harder when you’re stressed out, knowing that blissful numbness is only two blocks over.”

“You’re probably going to fail. Multiple times even. Other people won’t understand,” Qrow said, “They don’t understand how much we…need this. How unnatural being without drink is; they can’t appreciate that we choose to go without anyway. Others will judge you for being ‘too weak’ or ‘not having enough willpower’ or that we don’t care for the reasons we stopped drinking enough. It’s why us recovering alcoholics stick together, because we can at least understand each other’s struggle.”

“It’s going to be hard. But as long as you remember the reason why you stopped drinking – and keep picking yourself up when you fail, things will get easier. I promise you that.”

A pensive silence.

“…Thank you, Qrow. For sharing. For everything,” Willow said sincerely, “I think I understand a little bit better now.”

“Don’t mention it,” Qrow said with a faint smirk, the playful rogue returning before her eyes.

He opened up the flask and took a sip from it.

Willow could only look on incredulously with wide eyes.

Qrow glanced at Willow confusedly and then at his flask with an understanding expression. His teeth lined up in a grin.

Closing the flask and tossing it to her, Willow caught it awkwardly in her hands, and prompted by a nod of his head, she opened it and took a sniff.

“Apple juice?”

“You really think I’m that shameless to drink alcohol after my whole schtick?” Qrow said with a chuckle.

Willow couldn’t help but laugh to that before closing her eyes and nodding her head.

“To apple juice then,” she said before taking a swig of Qrow’s flask.

“To apple juice,” Qrow laughed.

[m0e-ru]

HAPPY HOLIDAY S !!!! here are the answers to my moel activity book 2022 aka my birthday quiz but theres also a bunch of lore questions in there. part 1 !!!!!!! with the more personal stuff because i hit the image limit so theres part 2 hehe. here <-

YOU CAN ANSWER IT HERE FIRST !!! or read this and see how bullshit my logic is from the get go SORRY

Results

tourist - this was meant to be the lowest scoring result like you dont know much about me or lore like what it says !! you pass by my blog just occasionally like from a tag or a reblog. like a tourist at a gas station. yknow? but the way I scored was like you get bigger penalties when you pick a wrong answer whoopsie (●>ω<)ﾉﾞ

beloved okyakusan - okyakusan means customer I just think you might follow this blog or know enough of it to get some answers right but the way I scored it I dont think. anyone would get this. yikes

loyalty discount - you know more than enough of my shit on any branch I might have been in . YEAH !! you know a lot. I hope. or I scored it bad. BUT ANYWAY !!! loyalty discount realness

oh youre in this hole with me? - this was supposed to be hard to get especially with the more bullshit personal questions sorry. but I think you could get this easily while I’m looking at it whole. welcome to my hole. my friends call it a mineshaft or another said it was a lake from digging up a puddle.

Questions

mega blorboism go - mim, adachi, marie, teddie, souji seta, (bonus) akc [akechi]

OKAY !! first 4 self explanatory. Souji vs Narukami I like Souji more from his depiction in the official manga by Sogabe than the more official Narukami from the animes, spinoffs, etc.

well yeah okay I admit I was a goroboy back in sweet 2017 too bad I only made noise in the fandom in 2020 when Royal came out and GOLDEN had the audacity to show its ass in Steam. my highest note post is this dumb aksh comic btw. I thought nothing of it.

I didn’t include maruki he’s a nice guy but he never hit blorbo category I mean he’s there. hi sensei

What’s their ultra mega favorite p4 adaptation - VISUALIVE STAGEPLAY !!!

the audio drama and manga bags some points too. I’m OBSESSED with visual voiceless media and visualess voiceful media but if you try to wrap my brain with the shitty anime I might throw up

yeah yeah the animes were fine im just more partial to those three yknow. they’re a bit liberal as broadcast media so uhm… the way they handled a few details weren’t for me. BUT WE HAVE AIKA CHAN it’s fine. I dont like anthologies though now that’s just a ball out of the park.

thoughts on tohru adachi - []

these all bag points but the discord screenshot gives the biggest penalty. it’s funnier that way. thank you tekuya. context on the messenger one was that I was partially live-blogging to another friend while I played. IM SORRY !!! I was really interested if he had a social link or not. I did not know of the Horrors. <- only knew he was a bit of an edgy bad guy from the floating fanart and lack of blacklisted spoiler tags but it’s 2022 im built different. I want to put him under a magnifying glass and if he makes me mad I concentrate the light on him till he combusts.

kai moeru is a silly - []

three of these have points except you get bonus points if you choose either of the kpop fan names because it’s fun.

when did they take over the gas station - they dont remember either

september 2022 also gets points because that’s when I think I started roleplaying as a manager.

OKAY strap in here’s some kai moeru lore. I used to subtly role play as just some guy who’s at the gas station too often for their own good. they dont even have a car they just talk to whoever also passes by with their silly conspiracy boards, red string etc etc. then at some point I became the manager of the tumblr branch and that was that! I have discounts and vouchers and promos and etc I think it’s fun that way. im the ceo of moel gas corp on discord btw

when did it all end - “Ohh Mimi”

I mean this is when I started playing the game on my own and had a little too much thoughts about this dumb fucking npc. me and my dad started calling them mimi when we finished the game <- we were playing at the same time he finished first but I blocked out all the spoilers and had my own peaceful endgame. I give you a nickname and it’s ALL OVER !!!!!

or are you really so spineless that youd fold over some bullshit trivial threat on my life sorry for the royal question - small potatoes

like I said. bought royal on launch and finished it in two weeks where “small potatoes” was still there before it got patched out HAHA. i just thought it was silly. people were making essays about the expression then BAM. no more small potatoes.

whos the adachi of p5s (ROYAL + STRIKERS SPOILERS) - ichinose

okay I really liked her when I was playing OKAY? actually I dont think I’ve ever posted my doodle dumps ever but I always thought she had something to do with Sophia and EMMA and the formula making it look like she’d betray you or work with god at some point. SHE FUCKING DID it was so so fucking funny <- cried after the boss fight

i mean i did this. because it's ridiculous

what’s the first nickname they used - mimi

I did mention it before. I just think it’s really cute how it ended up being a household name for me. ive printed them out so many times, framed them and talk about them with that nickname at home that that’s how my siblings know them. it’s a very special name to me honestly. Time went by and I ended up calling them mim. hehe. not that I dont like Nami as a name it’s just that /gestures hands/ yeah

The whole Izumi Izanami thing is just that! Most of my devices’ autocorrects kept turning one word into the other I also ended up calling him zoomy instead and used one (1) “z” for Izy.

rie kugimiya - why are you pitting two bad bitches against each other

she’s the voice actor for both Rise and Haruka and I like them both !!!! You should listen to konnan janai

which emote is not part of the gas station discord server - nodding naoto

Now that one was from the Persona modding discord I think. I do have mim and Nagi rotating and the Adachi True was from a friend who also added Adachi False

[sassycordy]

What is the sga debacle?? Did he do something specific?? I only know that he also made the shows Dark Matter and Utopia Falls which both have diversity and representation so that makes me hopeful for the same treatment in a new stargate series.

hi! whew im so sorry im just getting to this lmfao. truthfully ive been rly busy and this is such a serious topic that i wanted to make sure i chose my words carefully and laid everything out in the best way possible. 

disclaimer section! im not the best person to speak on this topic ahha. I just got into the fandom last year and it was only a few months ago that i started to hear some of these issues that existed previously (so if any veteran stargate fans wanna hop in on this and explain things in greater detail, please do)! also this is not a call out post or canceling thing. this is simply a hey-these-things-happened-and-maybe-we-should-be-careful-with-who-we-interact-with-and-trust type thing. anyways without further ado, here’s some of the sketchy shit that went down behind the scenes of stargate atlantis! (all sources are posted in the comment/replies btw)

> let’s start with the decision to kill off carson beckett because thats where the first weird comment pops up. now a lot of people claim that this was a move made by writers & producers to shake up the show and “make the actors feel less secure.” i’ve never been able to find that direct quote although ive heard people say that someone openly admitted it on the audio commentary/bonus features on the atlantis dvds soo take that however you like aha.

> after the sudden exit of paul mcgillion, tori higginson left the show a few episodes later anddddd ok this is where things escalate. this is an interview she gave where she openly talks about everything that went on behind the scenes. but to summarize, the writers ignored all of her input and refused to grow the character further when she had clearly outgrown the “Hammond” role. joseph mallozzi states in his blog post that brad wright himself was very fond and loved the weir character and he claims that the decision to write her out was because of “just simple logic.”(1) however, torri tells a different story. (2) 

“Honestly? I found that quite shitty, to be honest (laughs).Oops. But I found out, because I kept going to them, I kept going up to them saying ‘I have a feeling my character, you’re not doing anything with me, and you guys have me for six years and I don’t want to, you know, be here not doing anything. Let me know what’s going on.’ And they kept saying “no, no, no, it’s great. We love you. We love you. Things can be great.’ And I said ‘well, if that’s the case, can we do something with her’ and they kept reassuring me that nothing - and the very last day of filming season three, as I finished filming the last scene on the last day I was called up to the office and was told that my character was going to become recurring if I chose to be. So, I thought that was not very, um, dignified, way to deal with it, and I was a bit surprised. So I was—so my reaction was one of yeah, I was a little bit surprised. I was a little bit upset by how it was dealt with. But I wasn’t upset at the decision because I understood it. I kept going to them saying ‘I get, I get what’s going to happen, just give me some notice so I can pack my apartment and move back to L.A. Really. So I wasn’t upset with the decision. I was upset with how it was handled.”

she was led on and told her role would be reduced after the filming of season three which is uh. absolutely insane to think about considering she’s the main female lead of the show. And this is just my personal opinion but i think its interesting timing that as soon as brad stepped down, joseph mallozzi and his writing partner, paul mullie got rid of her. It’s also pretty telling that there was some bad blood behind the scenes because she didn’t even reprise her character in season five for the ghost in the machine aka the episode where they “kill elizabeth” off. although i do wanna mention that since then, jm has posted that he believes elizabeth would actually still be alive today and is just in stasis somewhere waiting to be found …which is nice. i guess. maybe they shouldn’t have fired her in the first place but hey whatever. 

and to end the torri section, here’s another quote that i think is the real reason she was let go from atlantis.

Question: And now Amanda Tapping seems to be doing exactly the same… just filing an episode. Torri said “Well, no. I understand that it’s a club, and you know, some people.. .you know. I think they didn’t like me constantly rapping on the doors saying ‘excuse me, why aren’t there any women writers or any women producers on the show?’ I think it bothered them. And so, Amanda, bless her, just had a kid so... bless her, man, she needs that gig more than [me]… you know what I mean? So I have no issues with any of them. I understand how it works. It is a bit of a political game and… I’m not very good at politics (laughs). I’m like Weir. I just want to act.”

> now this is where the joe flanigan of it all starts to come in. he’s been vocal about defending torri higginson and openly saying how bad of a decision it was to kill her off. (3) and his interview with dial the gate was enlightening on a few topics. (4)

his character didn’t get a backstory until season 3. tptb literally told him, “john likes ferris wheels” and called it a day. which is actually mind boggling. they gave him nothing to work with and somehow he turned it into gold. 

he’s also said many times and in different interviews how terrible it was that the writers carried over from sg1. the cast would pitch ideas but would be shut down because they would sound “too much like an sg1 ep” which is ridiculous considering how many atlantis scripts are just a rip off of sg1 eps anyways.

> and finally the whole whispers debacle. now i don’t really know a lot about this, so I'll just link the tumblr post that first brought this to my attention! (5) there’s also the whole “the writers stopped taking notes from the cast after season 3 and specifically started to shun joe out”  thing (which is very obvious in seasons 4 and 5) so i’ll also link another great tumblr post because they explain it so much better than i can. (6)

> there’s also the fact that once it became clear that universe was not doing well, both bw and jm turned and blamed it on atlantis and even sg1 fans.

“I don’t think if we, for any reason, go away, it is an issue necessarily of the quality of the product that we’ve been making. I think getting moved on the schedule has hurt us. And the fact that some of the fans that liked SG-1 and Atlantis were so angry that they have deliberately hurt us, which is unfortunate.” (7) Brad Wright. 

Jaso967060 writes: “Heck I think alot of people from “that other site” could be won back if some changes are made. (Finding out the Destinys Mission and the crew working together more instead of tearing each other down…and having more action…changes like that.)” 

Answer: Disagree. Given that their deluded mission statement is to see SGU cancelled in order to pave the way for an SGA return, I doubt that very much. (8) Joseph Mallozzi

this post is getting too long so i won’t go into the whole “stargate atlantis viewers were not the right demographic the writers wanted” thing. because yes this may have been said by one of the writers (i don’t have a source but so many people bring it up and it makes sense considering the type of show universe is). also joe flanigan talked about how the writers and producers disrespected atlantis fans and he sorta mentions this quote too so im gonna link it. (9) also i would just like to say huge shoutout to joe for not caring to be diplomatic lol. 

but yea. please take this post however you would like. all of this happened years and years ago so one can only hope people have learned from their mistakes. and if a fourth stargate show is ever made, I just pray they'll finally have women and poc writers/producers/directors as main contributors. also joseph mallozzi has done so many interviews with dial of the gate in recent years, so i would check those out if anyone would like to hear his current thoughts on stargate. (if you do, please message me because i would love to know if he acknowledges any of these topics ahah). 

and to end this lovely post, let's reminisce on that one time joe flanigan called the writers of atlantis “rodney mckays” <3

“Because the writers are all McKays – they are the collective Rodney McKay. It’s a whole load of little McKays running round up there in the offices.” (10)

so sorry this took a million years to respond to ahha. and i may have gotten a bit sidetracked but i hope i answered your question !!

[blossom-hwa]

Could I request . . . best friend!chan + boys' night out, some platonic banter and wholesome drunk escapades?

Okay ngl Javi I have never gotten drunk or anything so like.... I’m so sorry I don’t know how to write this smdkgshg but I wanted to write platonic banter and I started this like texting series in my last drabble game so.... I kinda continued it here but with a reader too?? I hope that’s okay I’m so sorry kjfskdjhguh

(Read the original text aus here: danceracha | 3racha | vocalracha | the boyz | both groups aka a nightmare)

Stray Kids drabble game: send me a Stray Kids member + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and I’ll write a drabble for you!

~

Title: Cafe Shenanigans 2: Electric Boogaloo

Pairing: none (all platonic), reader is gender neutral

Word count: 1.3k

Triggers: cursing

~

quick clarification:

better than tony: chan

chingban: changbin

gremlin: jisung

y/n/wow: y/n

~

better than tony: we have a new worker joining today please for the love of god do Not scare them off

better than tony has added y/n to the group chat!

y/n: chan why is this your nickname

chingban: and why did you talk about a new worker all serious n shit we literally know y/n

gremlin: probably better than we know chan tbh

y/n: what’s my favorite color

chingban: ...

gremlin: ...

y/n: that’s what I thought

better than tony: I'm regretting everything rn 

chingban: ???? nothing has happened ????????

better than tony: something is going to happen I know it is

better than tony: it’s only a matter of time

y/n: chan you still haven’t answered my question

y/n: why is this your nickname

better than tony: I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you

gremlin: I'm gonna do it

chingban: I'm torn between wanting to cease existence

chingban: and wanting to see chan melt into the ground out of embarrassment

better than tony: I swear to fucking god you assholes IF YOU DO IT

gremlin: [ sent 1 audio attachment wow.mp3 ]

y/n: oh my what’s this ??

better than tony: y/n go to work

y/n: I'm taking my break now <3

better than tony: I'm revoking best friend privileges

y/n: that’s fine I can make two whole other best friends right here 

gremlin: :D

chingban: :D

better than tony: I knew this was a mistake

y/n: I think my twenty minute break is long enough to listen to a three minute song! 

y/n: bye whores

better than tony: jisung say your prayers

gremlin: I'm willing to take one for the team

gremlin: it was only a matter of time before they found out anyway

chingban: you can’t argue with that

better than tony: I’D STILL RATHER KEEP IT UNDER FUCKING WRAPS

gremlin: are those choking noises from the back

better than tony: this was a mistake this was a mistake this was a fucking mistake

chingban: dw I'll go check on them

chingban: make sure y/n isn’t dead on their first day on the job

better than tony: I honestly hope they choke

chingban: update all is well

better than tony: damn

gremlin: that?? is??? your???? best????? friend??????

better than tony: not anymore

better than tony: anyone who knows about wow must be put to death

chingban: so our entire friend group should be put to death?????

better than tony: are you arguing with that

gremlin: you know what I can’t argue

gremlin: I'm surprised the fbi hasn’t shot us down yet

y/n has changed their name to wow!

better than tony: ok you know what fuck you

wow: what the fuck are you doing to get the fbi to shoot you down

gremlin: IT’S ALIVE

better than tony: unfortunately

wow: it ??????????????????????????????????

chingban: idk about them but I've never done anything that merits being shot down yb the fbi

gremlin: wow is an offense punishable by death

chingban: I agree it’s an offense but death ???????

better than tony: stop texting and go back to work I'm tired of you all

wow: I'm still on my break

better than tony: everyone except y/n stop texting and go back to work

chingban: the favoritism is real

better than tony: y/n is my best friend suck it up

gremlin: I thought you disowned them from that position ???

better than tony: unfortunately they’re still more tolerable than you two combined

wow: I'm still reeling over being called ‘it’

wow: bitch ass han jisung you think I'm Frankenstein’s monster or some shit? or the clown from that movie???

gremlin: do you want me to answer that question

wow: say your prayers

chingban: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

better than tony: I regret everything

~

wow: hey I didn’t know hyunjin/minho/Felix worked at the build a bear at this mall

chingban: literally where have you been

chingban: they’ve been there for at least six months

gremlin: why is only felix’s name capitalized

wow: 1. bitch do you think I come to the mall to go to build a bear?

wow: 2. autocorrect

wow: wow jisung your autocorrect is shit if it isn’t capitalizing Felix

gremlin: what do you come to the mall for

gremlin: also what of it

wow: to bother chan

wow: and mooch off the wifi because the connection at home is shit

wow: oh and work now ig

better than tony: nice to see your priorities

wow: <3

wow: actually jisung. don’t tell me you fucking actually go back and make Felix uncapitalized 

gremlin: caught

gremlin: and wait till they find out where seungmin/jeongin work at 

chingban: what the fuck why wouldn’t you just let autocorrect do its shit

better than tony: he’s jisung do you really need another reason

chingban: fair enough

gremlin: fair enough

wow: also I've known where the fuck seungmin/jeongin work I used to work at the tutoring center too dumbasses

better than tony: isn’t the pay better there? I still don’t know why you quit

wow: if you mean better by like fifty cents then yeah

gremlin: I-

chingban: I thought tutoring would pay a lot more than working at a shitty cafe???????????????????????????????

wow: yeah that’s what I thought too

wow: and then I found out how much chan was getting paid and I was like what the fuck I'd have so much fun working here even with slightly lower pay 

wow: so I quit

gremlin: respect

wow: wasn’t a hard decision

wow: the kids are horrible

better than tony: I thought you liked some of them

wow: “some” is the key word

chingban: ouch

wow: at least I get to fuck around here without getting in too much trouble

better than tony: isn’t sangyeon chill??

wow: Ella isn’t

gremlin: oh I've heard horror stories from seungin

wow: they’re all true

wow: honestly wish you’d burned down the tutoring center when you set fire to the refrigerator jisung

better than tony: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT

chingban: more like who DOESN’T know about that

wow: seungmin sent me pics

better than tony: betrayed by my own children

wow: he’s more my child than yours and you know it

chingban: does that mean y/n and chan are our parents????

wow: no

better than tony: no

gremlin: oh my god I have more parents now !!!!!

wow: suddenly I feel Regret

better than tony: welcome to my world

gremlin: I'll set fire to the refrigerator again if you don’t say you’re my parents

better than tony: isn't this how you bribed Jacob into giving you hugs instead of giving me hugs

wow: Jacob?

chingban: other worker along with chanhee they’re on vacation for the week

wow: o

better than tony: also please don't set fire to the refrigerator

better than tony: or even try to

gremlin: have my conditions been met

wow: fucking gremlin bitch ass child

wow: fine I'm one of your parents

gremlin: 1/2

better than tony: fine

gremlin: 2/2 :D

wow: let the record say I only ever wanted seungmin and jeongin

wow: and Felix

gremlin: ouch

chingban: ouch

wow: you force me to be your parent you suffer the consequences

better than tony: Felix is MY SON

wow: SO YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS ARE AUSTRALIAN YOU HAVE AN AUTOMATIC BOND? SUCK MY DICK CHAN

better than tony: I’LL FIGHT YOU

wow: SQUARE UP OLD MAN

chingban: jisung did you predict this

gremlin: in reality no but for the clout yes

chingban: ...

gremlin: I am Agent of Chaos(TM)

chingban: that I can see

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

[everyday-is-brighter-with-you]

Don’t give up. Because the sun is rising tomorrow for you too.

[ICON ID: Princess Luna smiles sweetly at an opossum hanging upside down and a snake is beside her too.  ICON ID] \\

[HEADER ID: The Progress Pride flag. A purple box with scratchy texture is edited in. Text on it reads 'I RIDE WITH THE PACK MFER' in allcaps. The box is outlined red, glowing yellow. Realistic fire is on top of it. Text down of box reads 'ur cool 2 with a cute smiley face’. end HEADER ID] 

 i wrote these here bcuz its not showing fully in the under icon description option

--

Happy new yearrrr! I’m back!

Hi! If you’re visiting my page because i image\video\GIF\audio described something of yours, please reblog with the ID for accessibility!

* If you follow me out of nowhere or barely interact with me, I’ll probably softblock, its nothing personal ^^

PINNED INTRO POST

- Kanmani.கண்மணி!!! Name. Proud of it. You can say Mani for short. If we’re friends and you want to be cUTE you can say,,,Kanna :) (smile emote )

- Tamil Indian, Sunni muslim.

-I’m a young adult.

-He/him. It/Its for specific close people( ask me first before using...!) All the letters in Q-U-E-E-R Babeeyyyyy

-Neurodivergent...probably !

/////

blacklivesmatters.carrd.co 

-Inclus.

I just do not want to blog about the mspec lesbians or gays debate right now, I am currently neutral, please respect this.

-I’m sorry for my previous words against it, I support SAM (Split Attraction Model) users

-TME( Transmisogyny Exempt)

/////

bootlickers, pro-BJPs DNI. Proshippers and ‘anti-antis’ DNI. ‘’transmisandry\transandrophobia’’ supporters DNI( I’m not very clear on the concept you’re trying to express but i don’t like the community members involved so far). transmeds DNI. Radfems DNI.

Hamilton, South Park\Family Guy, Attack On Titan, Hetalia etc fans of similar media DNI...if the whole purpose of it is bigoted misinfo and hate, I dont want to involved with any fandom or fans of it. Ymmv I guess since everyone has different standards.

---

feel free to tell me if I ever reblog from a bad source, or do something shitty myself. I will try to correct it. Trying to be better about accountability. Note: I don’t necessarily follow everyone I reblog from.

i try to block liberally.

To message me(and assuming I don’t know you); send me an ask explaining why you want to; I’ll reply privately. You can ask me about any deleted posts.

Don’t vagueblog about me please.

---

I’m sorry ever for hurting someone. I’m trying to be better. I was confused on a lot of things and I may not have been clear. There’s not much I can do except say that if you have an issue with me clear it directly with me first please.

--

I LOVE THE HIM.... ↓ ❤︎

[ GIF ID: Digitally made and fully colored GIF of Dr Habit. His eyes are closed. He looks happy. He rocks fast from side to side, hair bouncing around, mouthing, ‘’I love you!’’. BG is mild yellow-orange. end ID]

by finndraws

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.