#sorry this is like my one million thoughts from the past couple months so i’m like. literal essay it has to stop now because i want a

[metallteeff]

okay i will rant for like two seconds my once a month rant but i have recently realized fucking psychology or i guess like modern/pop psychology especially is destroyingggg art. so bad.

like as writer/artist for like the past 2-3 years i’ve found myself being like oh i need to be able to perfectly articulate how my stories deal with mental health and then i get in this awful loop bc i’m not writing anymore im dissecting.

and on the audience part too it’s also awful. i love metas and analysis etc etc but it’s all turned into this strange phenomenon of like “proving a theory” and so many of these metas (im just going to use that for the catchall) focus on the same dissection.

just lately when it comes to art and discussion old or new academic or twitter rants i feel like i constantly see people asking “what is wrong with the artist to make them make this” instead of understanding the emotion or subject present in the piece and dissecting that as it relates to you. it has ti be clinical and hard fact and true to the creators intent.

i hate this approach so much and the way i see it effects my writing has made me crazy so i’m glad i’ve realized. i do not like to see abstract concepts put into a box im sure no one else does but being in like online art culture it’s so so so bad for that because no one can discuss anything online it has to be a debate. and then you’re debating art instead of analyzing and sharing experience.

this is all very vague and that’s kind of the point. what i’m talking about applies to anyone from like brain rotted edge lord anime girl artists to characters in mainstream/high production projects. there is no separation of art from artist on the basis of how does it make you feel it seems like it’s everyone’s wondering what’s going on in the artists head and trying to use their art as tools to figure it out. i think that has terrified me in creating and it’s made me feel like i have to make it present in my art in the first place so i have “nothing to hide” but why does an audience need to be in your psyche???

this is not me saying exploring mental health and illness and symptoms of it in art is a bad thing, it is exactly the opposite. it’s when it turns into everyone fighting about how xyz proves their headcanon correct and then no one else is allowed to interpret a character another way when the point of most art from the people i know and/or admire want the exact opposite. every character should be a mirror to a large variety of people and experiences. the same shade of green should excite one person and disgust the next. i am just so tired and appalled and over the like compartmentalization of art to enjoy it as a monolith go fuck yourself!!!!!

and i kind of got off topic with the subject of psychology present in art but looking at art with a psychological lense can be fun but that’s the lens you should already be using in the sense of connecting emotionally to pieces. i’m seeing yourself in the art right in front of you. most people (especially people who don’t create art often) go into art immediately trying to “figure it out” which i understand but how to you make it clear to everyone that they already understand, they just need to listen to what is there in front of them.

to look at art through a clinical lens is the death of art is maybe a more accurate way of talking about it. to look at art and try to dissect it, not for yourself, but to say “i know exactly what the artist was thinking” you’ll never be right. it’s fun to joke about in the basis of relation to the art but then that’s just you relating. that’s your experience and perception. you will never know the artists intent.

this is more specific and a little more silly but i feel like that^ over laps with people freaking out about character and “good/bad” representation. saying gay characters can only act this way. that characters with plurality can only be portrayed like this. that characters with a disability or neurodivergence or this or that can only say this list of things or else you’ve made a “harmful character”. of course there is harmful stereotyping but i would hope everyone able to publish and produce stuff knows what to do and not to do. i know that’s not realistic but i hope majority of writers don’t need a strict do and does list to write all of their stories!

i really mean this more in the way of making a strict view of how exactly to portray a certain character especially when it comes to marginalized identity and psychology then makes a new box that pisses people off. people did not like autistic people being portrayed as emotionless genius robots who parade as people and that’s normal because that is fucked up. but why now does every autistic character need to be almost a joke about being “too weird”. why also does a character need to be confirmed by the creator to be anything. it’s definitely nice but to me if a character portrays your experience without being confirmed anything, why not just enjoy the character in the way you perceive them. i’m also just a really big fan of ambiguity and surrealism in art so that’s how i prefer to take it but i don’t understand why every single aspect of art needs to be labeled for enjoyment. it’s killing it.

i kind of got off track with this but i hope it’s clear how i feel like psychology effects art in the ways of when you confine symptoms to one box and you put people into those boxes and those people love art and make art. then the perception of art will be affected and it’s hurting it badly. it is okay to be uncertain but i think psychology is hurting people and art badly in tandem

[goldengalore]

Intimacy

An anxious!reader fic.

Summary: Y/N hasn’t been intimate with someone in a long time, which makes her nervous about having sex with Harry for the first time.

Word count: 6.5k

Warnings: anxiety, smut (featuring soft dom!harry, fingering, thigh riding, oral - m receiving)

A/N: This is one last idea (for now) that I had for the anxious!reader universe. Lots of smut, but it’s very soft and sweet and full of love :)

***

His hands. Y/N can’t stop staring at his hands.

There are a lot of things she finds attractive about Harry. Too many. It’s actually maddening how one person can have so many attractive qualities. Lately, her brain has decided to fixate on his hands. They’re pretty and elegant, strong and masculine.

His long fingers are often decorated with an ornate collection of rings. Sometimes his nails are painted with vibrant colours; other times, they’re unpainted but still clean and neatly trimmed. She can often see the veins that travel up the backs of his hands into his toned arms. He moisturizes them well too, so they rarely look dry.

Y/N would be lying if she said her obsession with Harry’s hands is completely innocent and merely about aesthetics, that she hasn’t imagined how those fingers would feel in her mouth or between her legs and orgasmed to the thought of that while lying alone in bed at night.

It doesn’t help that he’s a highly affectionate person, finding any excuse to place his hands on her whenever she’s within reach. Even now, as they lounge on his couch, he pulls her legs into his lap and begins massaging them. She’s wearing a knee-length dress today, leaving her lower legs exposed. His hands don’t move up past her knees, but that doesn’t stop her imagination from running wild anyway.

“Y/N?” His smooth, commanding voice—another annoyingly attractive feature of his—pulls her from her thoughts.

“Hmm?” Her eyes flick up to his emerald ones staring back at her. She realizes with embarrassment that she hasn’t listened to a thing he’s said in the past minute or so.

“What were you staring at?” He glances down in his lap, where her gaze was just a few seconds ago.

“Oh, just your hands.”

His brows furrow slightly as he starts inspecting his hands, turning his palms up, then down. “Why? Something wrong with them?”

“No! No, they’re just… nice. Nice hands. That’s all. Sorry, what, um, what were you saying?”

A teasing smirk forms on his lips. “Nice hands, huh? Never heard that one before.”

She rolls her eyes, trying to ignore the heat rising to her cheeks. “Please. I’m sure you’ve heard that a million times.”

“Mmm, not really.”

She narrows her eyes at him, not believing him for a second. His smirk broadens.

“Anyway,” he says, resting his hands back on her legs, “I was just saying that I really missed you last week.”

Now she feels even worse about zoning out on him. He’s been out of town this past week for work. They reunited just this morning after his flight landed back in LA.

“I missed you too, H.”

“This week made me realize something.”

Her heart skips a beat. “What?”

“Made me realize how much I hate being away from you. I know our friendship started over Zoom meetings and phone calls and whatnot since I was on tour, but…” He shrugs. “After spending time with you in person these past couple months, I can’t imagine being away from you for weeks or months at a time. I think I’d go mad.”

His confession feels like being swaddled in a warm blanket. While he was away, Y/N couldn’t stop thinking about him. His fluffy hair and dimpled smile, his kind eyes and boyish laugh, even his cute nose consumed her thoughts from the moment she woke up in the morning to the moment she fell asleep at night. She found herself cursing the slow passage of time frequently throughout the week. To hear that her feelings were reciprocated makes her giddy inside.

When she takes a while to respond, he says, “I hope that wasn’t too intense. It’s just been on my mind lately and I had to say it.”

“No, I feel the same way.” I think I’m in love with you, she says in her head but struggles to speak aloud. She has never been the first to say those words in a relationship.

He smiles, relieved. “Okay, good.” He holds her gaze for a few seconds, then shifts closer, her legs still strewn across his lap. His hand comes up to cradle her jaw as he leans in for a kiss, sucking her top lip into his mouth.

She scoots even closer, practically sitting in his lap now. The movement causes her dress to ride up. Harry rests his other hand on her bare thigh, squeezing it lightly. Her heart quickens. His hand inches along her inner thigh, hiking her dress up even further. Suddenly, her whole body tenses up and she shrinks away from his touch.

“Sorry, I—I can’t,” she stammers, quickly removing her legs from his lap and tugging her dress back down.

She sneaks a glance at his face and detects some hurt there. It lasts for a split second, but her brain registers it anyway. She feels awful. This is the second time he has tried to get intimate with her beyond just kissing. The first was the night before he was supposed to fly out of the city. They were cuddling in his bed. She was giving him all the signs that she wanted to take things further—letting her hands roam all over his body, grinding her hips against him—but as soon as he started returning her touches, she pulled away.

It’s frustrating because she fantasizes about it all the time, yet when it finally starts to happen, she freezes up. It’s like her mind and body are on completely different pages.

“I’m sorry, H,” she repeats.

“It’s all right.” He gives her a reassuring smile. “You’re not ready for that. I understand.”

“But I am ready. I just…” She looks up at the ceiling as if the answers to her puzzling emotions will be there. “Ugh! I don’t know.”

A long silence stretches between them, though it probably feels longer in her head than it is in reality.

“I should go,” she finally says, rising to her feet, but he grabs her hand before she can go anywhere.

“Already? We haven’t even had dinner yet.”

“But I made things awkward!”

“No, you didn’t. Stop that.”

She was trying to avoid his gaze, but he tugs on her hand to make her look at him.

“We’ve been apart for a whole week. You think I’m letting you run off that easily?” He frowns a bit. “Wait, that sounded creepier than I’d intended.”

She giggles, feeling somewhat lighter. “Okay, fine. I’ll stay.”

They order sushi for dinner and crack open a bottle of wine. The awkwardness she felt earlier fades as Harry starts telling her about a deep conversation he shared with the five-year-old girl sitting next to him on his flight. Y/N is glad she decided to stay because if she had gone home to spend the night by herself, her overthinking mind would have eaten her alive.

After dinner, they transfer back over to the couch with their wineglasses in hand. They sit cross-legged, facing each other. The wine has helped her loosen up some more, granting her the courage to explain why she’s been so reluctant to get intimate with him.

“I’m not a virgin,” she tells him. “I know it probably seems that way because of how I act every time we try to do anything sexual, but I’m not. Not that there’s anything wrong with being one, obviously. I just thought you should know.”

He nods. “Okay.”

Although he doesn’t press any further, his eyes are curious and attentive in a way that makes her want to spill everything, just lay out all her secrets and fears and insecurities in a big, messy pile in front of him.

“I’m not a virgin, but I haven’t had sex in years,” she explains. “And I’ve always had to have a few drinks before doing it. I tried doing it sober once, and it was a total disaster. I was on the verge of a panic attack the whole time, and the guy didn’t know what to do. I just told him to keep going, so he did until he finished and—”

“Lovie, that’s not okay,” he interjects, brows pinching together in concern. “He should’ve stopped when he realized you were having a panic attack.”

“Well, to be fair, I told him to keep going. It was totally consensual.”

“Still. He should’ve at least stopped to make sure you were all right. Seems like basic human decency to me.”

“I guess....” She shrugs, knowing that he’s right but not wanting to think about it much longer. “Anyway, after he finished, he told me that having sex with me was like fucking a scared baby deer.” She forces a laugh, though the memory still makes her cringe inside. “Needless to say, I was mortified and never saw him again. And that’s the only time I’ve had sex while sober.”

“And all the times you weren’t sober, did you at least enjoy it?”

She hesitates. “Um, define enjoy.”

He appears even more concerned now. “If you’re having to ask that question, I’m afraid the answer is no. If you enjoyed it, you would know.”

“Well, I just asked because if by ‘enjoy,’ you mean ‘did I orgasm during it,’ then it’s a no. But my anxiety was a lot more under control, so I guess that could be considered a form of enjoyment… Right?”

Rather than answering her question, he asks, “You’ve never orgasmed during sex?”

She shakes her head. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but her cheeks still feel like they’re on fire.

“Have you ever had an orgasm?”

“Oh, plenty. When I’m alone, that is.”

“I see.” He rubs his jaw and looks away, sinking deep into thought. She can’t read the expression on his face.

“So, now you know how bad I am at sex,” she jokes to fill the silence.

He looks at her with a raised brow. “I don’t know about that. If anything, it’s the guys you’ve been with who were bad at sex if they couldn’t even make you come once.”

“Oh no, they were all very experienced.” Y/N doesn’t know why she’s defending these men, as if they would do the same for her. Perhaps it’s because she’s spent her whole life thinking she was the problem and this is the first time someone has suggested a different perspective to the one she’s become so accustomed to.

“Experience doesn’t always equate to being good at something.”

“I guess not.” She bites her lip and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I do want to try again… with you. I just don’t know how to stay calm without having a few drinks in my system.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to work on that.”

His use of the word “we” doesn’t go unnoticed by her. We, as in this is our problem, not just yours. We, as in we’ll figure this out together, you don’t have to do it alone. She feels a surge of something in her chest, and the only term she can think of to describe it is love.

“I’m calm right now,” she says with sudden realization, placing her wineglass on the table so quickly that it almost topples over. “So, technically, we could try again—”

“No.” He shakes his head. “We’re not having sex for the first time while you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk drunk though. Just a bit tipsy. I think we could still—”

“Y/N, it’s not happening,” he states firmly. “Other guys might have been okay with that sort of thing, but I’m not, okay?”

Her shoulders slump. She looks down in her lap. “Okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just want you to know that I want it as much as you do.”

“I know. Hey”—he tilts up her chin—“we’ll get there. There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”

He has no idea how much of a relief it is to hear those words. Her biggest fear this whole time has been him losing interest in her because she can’t seem to get over her anxiety around sex. It’s happened before. Guys often expect her anxiety to disappear after the first time. When it doesn’t, they take it as a blow to their ego and react by making her feel like a freak for being anxious at all. The humiliation leads to even worse anxiety the next time she gets intimate with someone. It’s a vicious cycle.

She doesn’t want to get her hopes up or anything, but maybe that cycle finally ends with Harry.

***

When it comes to Y/N, Harry just doesn’t know how to keep his hands to himself. Even before they met in person, he would dream of the day he could finally have her in his arms, how perfectly their bodies would mold together, how electrifying that first contact would be. For months, he’s been dying to touch and feel and kiss every inch of her, but after hearing about her sexual history, it’s no surprise why she’s so hesitant to take that step with him.

Taking things slow is not a problem for Harry. If anything, he feels lucky to be the one who gets to show her how fun and exciting and stress-relieving sex can be when the people involved actually care about each other’s pleasure.

It’s been a few days since that initial conversation. They’ve had several more discussions about it since then, and he thinks they’re ready to try something now.

He stares at Y/N lying on his bed, looking cute and cozy in his forest green Pleasing crewneck. Her lips are swollen from all their making out, her neck and collarbone littered with red spots where he licked and sucked on her skin like an ice cream cone.

“Question for you,” he says, leaning his head on his palm. “When’s the last time you touched yourself?”

“Hmm… A couple days ago?”

“Would you feel comfortable doing that in front of me?”

Her eyes widen. “Y—you want to watch me touch myself?”

“Only if you’re okay with it.” Her reaction already indicates that she’s not.

“Oh, I… I don’t think I am,” she admits, confirming his thoughts. “I mean, I don’t even like being watched while I cross the street. It’s like I forget how to walk.”

“Okay, different question. How would you feel about getting in a bath with me?”

She thinks about it. “I’d be okay with that.”

He runs them a bath lightly scented with a lavender oil he bought recently, while Y/N leans against the doorway and watches. Once he begins to undress, she follows suit. Starting with his crewneck, she removes her clothes at an extremely slow pace, as if she’s on the verge of changing her mind at any moment. He finishes undressing before she does and pretends not to notice her eyes bulging at the sight of his dick. Instead, he leans over to the tub to test the temperature of the water.

“I’ll get in first,” he says. “Then you can sit between my legs. Sound good?”

She swallows. “Yup.”

He steps into the tub and submerges everything but his head and upper chest into the water. His back rests against one side, his long legs outstretched in front of him.

In the meantime, Y/N finishes undressing. He forces himself not to stare, knowing that it’ll only make her more nervous. She moves quickly now, striding over to the tub and climbing in on wobbly legs. He holds out his hand for support.

“Careful,” he says.

She sits down between his legs with her back facing him. There’s still a lot of space between them.

“Just lean back against me,” he tells her.

She hesitates for a moment, then leans back until she’s flush against his torso.

He smiles. “There you go.”

“Okay, what now?”

“Nothing. Let’s just sit for a minute.”

They enjoy the next few minutes in companionable silence. The warm water seems to dissolve all the tension in her body, which is exactly why he suggested this idea in the first place. Her shoulders relax. She sinks deeper into him.

After a while, he says, “I’m going to try something. If you don’t like what I’m doing or you want me to stop, I need you to tell me. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. My ego can handle it. Okay?”

She responds with a tiny nod.

“I need you to answer me verbally, lovie,” he says softly in her ear. “Just so I can be sure we’re on the same page.”

“Yes. Got it. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. Don’t have to apologize.”

“Sorry,” she says again, automatically. “Fuck! Sorr— Shit! Why do I keep—” She starts to sit up, but he places a hand in the middle of her chest, gently pulling her back against him. He can feel her heart galloping like a racehorse.

“Y/N, relax. You’re okay. You’re doing great. Just breathe.”

She inhales a deep, shaky breath, then releases it.

“That’s good. Keep doing that.”

Her heartrate gradually decreases with each breath she takes. Once she appears to have calmed down, he moves his hand from the centre of her chest to one of her breasts, cupping it tenderly in his palm. His other hand comes to rest on her belly before making its descent between her legs. She squirms a little once the pads of his fingers make contact with her clit.

“Are we okay?” he asks.

“Y—yeah.” She takes another deliberate breath.

He rubs her clit in small, tight circles and kneads her breast at the same time. Her hands rest at her sides on top of his thighs. As he pinches her nipple, twisting and pulling it lightly, her fingers dig into his thighs and his cock twitches between their bodies. He wonders if she felt it. His middle finger prods around her slit now and slips inside without resistance. He pumps it in and out a few times before adding a second one, using his thumb to rub her clit.

Y/N is completely silent, but the slick substance coating her pussy and the subtle rocking of her hips is confirmation enough that she’s enjoying this. He peeks at her face to find her eyes closed and her bottom lip pulled between her teeth like she’s afraid of accidentally making a sound.

That is another thing they’ll need to work on. Harry likes being vocal during sex and equally enjoys when his lovers are vocal too. He doesn’t want Y/N to hold anything back around him. But they can work on that another day.

“Does this feel good?” he asks.

She nods, then remembers what he said earlier and answers out loud, “Feels good, yes. Really good.”

Satisfied by her response, he presses a third finger inside and pushes all three of them deep into her with every thrust, turning her into a squirming, quivering mess in his arms. Her back arches off his torso as she comes, the smallest whimper slipping through her self-restraint. He gradually lessens the stimulation on her clit, then removes his fingers completely. She lets her head roll back against his shoulder.

“Wow,” she sighs. “I’ve never… That’s never happened with someone before.”

“Wasn’t too bad, was it?”

“No, it was great. Um… thank you?”

He chuckles. “My pleasure.”

Suddenly, she sits up and looks over her shoulder at him. “So… your turn now?”

He waves his hand, splashing some of the water with it. “Don’t worry about that.”

She frowns. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He shrugs casually, trying to act cool as if he can’t feel his dick throbbing furiously under the water right now.

He could take her up on the offer, but he wants to focus on her today. Y/N is too nice to admit it, but he has deduced from their recent conversations that her previous partners were too greedy in the bedroom, exploiting her selfless nature for their own benefit. It’s quite unfortunate. Someone like her deserves to be spoiled, not exploited. At least now that she’s with him, he can make sure she gets the treatment she deserves.

After they’ve cleaned up and stepped out of the tub, he grabs one of the towels off the counter and starts handing it to her, then stops.

“Can I dry you off?” he asks.

She seems surprised but not opposed to the idea. “Sure.”

“Okay, just one moment.” He quickly pats himself dry, then grabs the other towel and walks over to her.

Timid eyes gaze up at him. They fall shut as he raises the towel to her face and dabs away all the little water droplets. Next, he moves down to her neck, shoulders, chest, and so on… After he’s done with her upper body, he sinks down to his knees on the mat and works on her lower half, taking his sweet time and humming softly to himself. He glances up to find her smiling at him.

Once her entire body is dry, he leans forward and plants a kiss to her belly before standing up with the towel thrown over his shoulder. Y/N’s eyes follow him as if in a trance.

“All good?”

She just blinks at him.

“Y/N?”

“I’m in love with you.” The words rush out of her like a whoosh of air that had been trapped in a sealed container. “God, it feels weird saying it out loud. It’s been in my head for so long and I didn’t want to say it because that makes it feel more… real.”

“Why’s that a bad thing?”

She doesn’t reply.

“Because you think I don’t feel the same way?”

“Do you?” She winces slightly as if she’s bracing herself for possible rejection, as if the answer to that question could be anything but “absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent yes.”

“Of course I do, Y/N. I thought I’d made that pretty obvious.”

“You should know by now that nothing is obvious with me.”

It’s true. Even when they were just friends and Harry began dropping hints that he wanted to be more than that, they pretty much all went over her head. Y/N is a smart woman; she just happens to be totally oblivious when it comes to love and romance, which he finds deeply endearing about her.

“Well, take this as your confirmation that I am, in fact, very much in love with you,” he states, taking her face in his hands and giving her a big, sloppy smooch on the lips, which she accepts with a laugh.

***

“That’s it, lovie. Keep going. You’re doing amazing.”

Y/N rocks back and forth on Harry’s thigh, her cunt positioned directly over his tiger tattoo. His thick, firm quads provide the perfect amount of friction against her needy clit.

A week ago, the idea of riding his thigh while he watched her would have made her extremely self-conscious. But since then, they’ve spent each night exploring each other’s bodies. He has given her several more orgasms with his fingers and mouth, while she has given him some with her hand. They’ve masturbated in front of each other. One night, he gave her a full-body massage that turned her on so much that he hardly even had to touch her clit to make her come.

She doesn’t mind being watched anymore. Not by Harry, at least. His gaze is never judgemental or critical. She doesn’t need to fret over saying or doing the wrong thing and ruining the moment. This has made her fall even more head over heels for him.

“Look so pretty getting yourself off on my thigh like this,” he says, toying with her breasts.

A moan starts to leave her mouth until she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth to trap it in. Harry reaches up and drags her lip back down with his thumb.

“Let me hear you,” he says. “Wanna hear how good this makes you feel.” He grips her chin between his thumb and index finger, keeping her mouth open.

She’s close now, the heat of her orgasm building in her core. Her hips grind faster against him. He lifts up his thigh to heighten the pressure on her clit. The tight knot in her lower abdomen unravels, and she comes with a loud moan, soaking his thigh with her juices.

“You make the sweetest sounds when you come,” he says, releasing her chin.

She pecks him on the lips and, before she’s even recovered from her orgasm, gets on her knees between his legs.

He frowns. “What are you doing?”

She looks at him like it should be obvious. “Returning the favour?” As she begins to reach for his cock, he grabs her wrist.

“Nope,” he says. “You always do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act like you have to pay me back for every orgasm. Sex doesn’t have to be so transactional, you know?” The smirk on his face conveys that he’s joking, but that doesn’t stop Y/N from having the sudden, embarrassing realization that perhaps she does treat sex like it’s transactional and just wasn’t aware of it until now.

“I—I know that,” she fibs a little. “I just want to make you feel good.” That part, at least, is not a lie.

Harry has been spoiling her heavily this past week, which has been delightful. She can tell he’s making every effort to gain her trust in the fact that he doesn’t expect anything in return for how incredible he makes her feel. But Y/N likes making him feel good too. She likes the way he hisses and shudders when she finds his most sensitive spots. She likes watching his usual composure crumble simply from her touch. She lives for it.

“Please?” she adds to her request, giving him her best doe eyes.

“Okay,” he says. “If you really want to.”

“I do.”

He lets go of her wrist, allowing her to reach for his stiff cock again. Nerves make her hands tremble, as she remembers how long it’s been since she gave someone a blowjob. She wants it to be perfect, but realistically, she’ll probably be a bit rusty.

She strokes him in her hand and runs her tongue along the underside of his shaft until, finally, she feels ready to take him in her mouth. Her lips wrap around his tip and slowly move down his length, tongue gliding against him. She considers deep-throating, then decides against it because it’s been way too long since she’s done it and she needs time to work up to it again. Any insecurity she felt about that disappears the moment she glances up at Harry. His eyes are closed and jaw clenched, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows hard.

Emboldened by the look of absolute ecstasy on his face, she bobs her head up and down his shaft and massages his balls with her hand. She moans around him, and he releases a low groan at the sensation it produces. Then she lets his entire length slip from her mouth, teasing him by flicking her tongue over his tip and leaving little kisses along his shaft until his fingers are weaving through her hair in desperation.

“Didn’t know you could be such a tease,” he says with a breathy laugh.

She grins innocently, then takes him into her mouth again, determined to suck him to completion this time. His hand feels good in her hair. She imagines him holding her head in place while he fucks her mouth. She never thought she would be into that sort of thing until now.

“I’m gonna come soon, Y/N,” he warns her as he gets close.

She doesn’t pull away. He thinks she didn’t hear him, so he repeats himself. She makes eye contact to convey that she heard him, that she wants him to come in her mouth, which he does moments later. She relishes the taste of it, swallowing every last drop. As she draws back and wipes her mouth clean, he stares at her in amazement.

“You’re really fucking good at that,” he tells her.

“Thanks! I had this boyfriend in college who only wanted blowjobs all the time since that didn’t involve having to make me come, which was basically impossible for him. He was kind of demanding, but he taught me how to give a damn good blowjob.”

Harry grimaces. “You know, the more I learn about your previous partners, the more I want to hit them over the head with something.”

She laughs. “I think I make them seem meaner than they were.”

“No, I think you make them seem nicer than they were.” He pats his thigh. “Get up here.”

She stands up and sits on his thigh with her legs dangling between his this time. His arm wraps around her back.

Locking his eyes on hers, he says, “You are worth so much more than being some guy’s blowjob dispenser, all right?”

“I know, I know,” she says. “I was just young and naive back then, but I know better now.”

“Good. Don’t ever let any man or woman treat you that way. Okay?”

His eyes are so full of care and concern for her that she thinks she might just cry.

“Okay,” she replies.

***

Harry loves writing about the initial euphoria that comes with falling in love. It’s intoxicating and exhilarating and all-consuming. Many of his most successful songs were inspired by this peculiar feeling. It’s no wonder that he keeps heading into the studio lately to harness all this creative energy and inject it into his music.

Today, Tom, Tyler, and Mitch are all in the studio with him. Mitch is riffing on his guitar while Harry adlibs over it when Jeff pokes his head into the room.

“H, Y/N’s here to see you,” he says.

Harry raises his brows. “She is?” She didn’t tell him that she’d be visiting the studio today.

“Yeah, she’s waiting out front.”

“Is she all right? Did she say why she’s here?”

Jeff shrugs. “No clue. She seemed fine.”

Y/N always seems “fine.” She’s quite skilled at pretending everything is okay when it’s not, which can be rather concerning. Harry tells the guys he’ll be back, then heads to the front of the studio where he finds his girlfriend staring at a wall decorated from top to bottom with framed album covers of legendary musicians.

“Hi, darling,” he says as he approaches.

She turns to him, eyes illuminating as soon as they meet his. “Hi! Sorry, I told Jeff not to go get you, but he did anyway.” She gives him an apologetic smile. “I hope you weren’t in the middle of something. I swear if you were writing your next Grammy-winning single and I just ruined your flow, I’ll be so mad at myself.”

“Stop it. You haven’t ruined anything.” He steps closer, taking her hands. “Now tell me what brought you here. Are you okay?”

He studies her as she replies, “Yes, I’m fine. I’m not here for any particular reason. I just…” She hesitates. “I needed to see you.” As soon as she says it, her eyes squeeze shut. “Fuck, that sounds so needy.”

“That’s okay. We all get needy sometimes. Do you want to sit in the studio with me?”

She bites her lip, giving it some thought before shaking her head.

“Okay.” He brings her hands between their bodies, swinging them apart and together again. “Then tell me what you need.”

“I—I need…” She glances down in the general direction of his crotch.

A smirk tugs at the corners of his lips. “You need…?”

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t make me say it.”

He tilts his head to side, feigning innocence. “Say what?”

“Baby…”

He wanted to make her say it, but the pleading look in her eyes makes him cave. “You need my cock, is that it?”

“Shhh! Not so loud!” Her head spins around to make sure no one heard them.

He laughs. “There’s no one around, lovie.”

“Still!” She sighs and presses her hands against her flaming cheeks. “It’s not fair. You’ve been teasing me with it this whole week, and it’s all I can think about. Couldn’t even focus on my art today because I kept thinking about how…”—she drops her voice to a barely audible whisper—“how you would feel inside me.”

It’s been exactly a week since Y/N first hinted that she’s ready to go all the way with him. Harry was the one who wanted to put it off a little longer. He predicted that if he made her wait long enough, her hunger for it would overpower any anxiety that might crop up during the act.

Smiling, he brings his hand up to her cheek, her skin hot against his cool palm. “Aw, I know, sweetheart. You know the only reason I’ve been teasing is to make sure you’re ready for it.”

“I know. And I’m ready now. I really am.”

“Okay, but we can’t exactly do it here, you know that?”

“Why not? Isn’t there a bathroom in here somewhere?” She pushes up on her toes to look over his shoulder down the hallway where he came from.

“We’re not fucking in the studio bathroom, Y/N.”

She groans and lifts her hands up to his chest, scrunching his shirt between her fingers. “But I can’t wait any longer!”

“Yes, you can.” He wraps his hands around her wrists. “You’re going to be a good girl for me and wait until I pick you up from your flat tonight.”

She pouts and concedes, “Fine.”

He kisses her pout and gives her a hug that lasts for several minutes because she doesn’t want to let go and he never lets go until she does, so they’re in a standoff for who’s going to let go first until finally, Y/N releases him.

After that, the rest of the day moves at a snail-like pace. Harry can hardly focus; he’s too distracted by the thought of what’s to come tonight. Every lyric he comes up with sounds too raunchy to put in an actual song. Even his friends jokingly speculate about why he’s acting so strange—especially Tom, who just loves to make him squirm.

That evening, he has to make a conscious effort not to speed all the way to Y/N’s flat. The plan was to pick her up, take her back to his place, and maybe eat dinner before having their fun, but he thinks he’ll have to skip most of those steps.

Y/N buzzes him into her building. She’s on the second floor, so he doesn’t even bother with the elevator and takes the stairs two at a time. As soon as she lets him in, his mouth is on hers. She kisses him right back, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing up against him. They make their way to her bedroom and remove all their clothes, ending up on the bed with him on top of her.

“Naughty girl,” he says between kisses to her neck. “Came all the way to the studio because you were needy for my cock, hm?”

She covers her face with her hands. “H, don’t tease! I’m embarrassed enough as it is.”

He gently pulls her hands away from her face. “Don’t be embarrassed. Do you have any idea how sexy it is that you want me that badly? Got me all hot and bothered at the studio. Could barely keep myself together for the rest of the day.”

A mischievous little grin makes its way onto her face. “Really?”

“Yes, really. That’s the effect you have on me.” His hand drifts down between her legs to find that she’s already drenched, so he grabs his cock and runs the tip up and down her slit. When he looks back up at her face, there’s a hint of apprehension that wasn’t there before. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just remembered that I haven’t had something so, uh”—she swallows, glancing down at his cock—“big inside me in a while.”

“Do you want to be on top? That way, you can go at your own pace.”

“What if my pace is too slow and you can’t come?”

“What if I come two seconds after I’m inside you? Would you still love me?”

“Of course!”

“There’s your answer then.”

She squints at him, her lips curving up. “Well played.”

They switch positions so that she’s on top of him, straddling his hips while he leans back against the headboard. She carefully guides his cock up to her entrance, inserting the tip before lowering herself onto him. Her tight walls stretch and expand to accommodate him. She winces from the discomfort. He massages her hips, reminding her to take her time.

It takes her several attempts to get him all the way in, but once he’s there, the feeling is indescribable. He curses under his breath, closing his eyes briefly.

“Is that okay?” she asks.

“Perfect,” he responds in a strained voice. “It’s perfect.”

She seems reassured by his response and starts moving her hips in slow circles, getting used to having him inside her. Then she lifts up and sinks all the way down again. Soon enough, she’s riding him at a steady pace, her hands on his shoulders, her breasts swaying gorgeously in his face, beckoning him to place his hands over them. He has pictured this moment so many times, he can’t believe that it’s finally happening.

He starts thrusting up into her, meeting her halfway. As his thrusts become sharper, her jaw drops open.

“Harry—”

The sound of his name slipping out of her mouth like that, all salacious and full of yearning, is a drug he can see himself getting addicted to.

“Please,” she whines.

He slows down, worried that he might have been too rough. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just— Please don’t stop. It feels so good.”

“Feels good, huh? Someone finally fucking you like you deserve?”

She nods, her eyes rolling back as he resumes the movement of his hips.

“This is what it’s supposed to feel like,” he tells her. “Remember this.”

“Oh, I will.” She barely finishes her sentence before he pounds into her again.

He feels himself about to crest and reaches down to rub her clit. A final medley of moans and grunts leave their mouths as they come. Her pussy spasms around his pulsing length. As the waves of pleasure subside, her body goes completely slack in his arms, worn out from the intensity of the experience they just shared. She rests her head against his shoulder, basking in the afterglow while he brushes his fingers through her hair.

Her soft voice breaks through the silence. “I didn’t know it could feel this good. I’ve been missing out.”

“We’ve got plenty of time to catch you up. Don’t you worry.” He kisses the side of her head, earning a contented sigh from her.

***

Thank you for reading! For more anxious!reader and other fics, check out my MASTERLIST

[you-have-a-metal-arm]

*gif not mine

PANIC ATTACK

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Summary: Bucky has a panic attack for the first time since the two of you got together and he’s scared to death that you’d get sick of him and eventually leave

Warnings: Panic attack, swear words,

Word Count: 756

Authors Note: Please do not copy or translate my work. I appreciate every feedbacks! Thank you for reading!

It was 3 am.

Both of you were in Bucky’s room, cuddling with each other and embracing each other’s existence. But out of nowhere, you felt a strong grunt with couple of whimpers and groans following it. You awake by the sound, slowly opened your eyes and tried to adjust to the dark room. As your eyes adapted to the room, you saw Bucky hyperventilating. You were with Bucky for about 5 months, and this was your first time seeing him like this. You heard him talking about them, but to see him having a panic attack, this was the first time. Not even hesitating, you gently tapped Bucky on his arm to wake him up. But he was too deeply consumed in his nightmare that he wasn’t even bothered. So you called out his name and shook him.

"Bucky!! Wake up baby, you’re having a nightmare."

Bucky responded with a groan. So you tried again.

"Bucky, everything’s okay. I just need you to wake up for me baby."

Bucky woke up trying to catch his breath. His hands were trembling, in fact, his whole body was shaking. You cupped Bucky’s face with your tiny hands, and he seemed to calm down a little bit.

"Bucky look at me. Breathe with me okay?"

Bucky nodded, and followed your instructions.

"inhale, one, two, and exhale, one, two. inhale, one, two, and exhale, one, two. You’re doing so well babe."

‘How long was he hiding this from you?’

you thought to yourself. The thought of your soulmate suffering this horrendous episodes all alone. While your mind was running a million miles an hour, Bucky instantly grabbed your torso and pulled you in tight and started sobbing.

"I’m sorry Y/N. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up, and I- I- it just-"

"Hey baby look at me."

Bucky let go of your body and looked at you in the eyes.

"You’re okay, you’re safe. You know that right?"

Bucky quietly nodded, avoiding eye contact, ‘cause he knew the moment he saw the hurt in your eyes, he’d burst into tears again. But you didn’t let that happen. You cupped Bucky’s face and started to kiss all over his face. And you could feel Bucky holding in his grin. However, he still had the terror inside his eyes, even though he tried his best to hide it. The fear of losing you was ripping his heart into a million pieces, making his anxiety even worse.

You enveloped your legs around his broad torso and he leaned onto your shoulder. You started caressing his lovely dark hair. And his eyes fell up with tears. He hugged you tightly, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to EVER let go.

Once again it was the two of you in the darkness, becoming each other’s candle.

As the silence caved in, Bucky started to talk.

"You’re not going to leave me right baby?"

His voice was shaking and even though you didn’t look him in the eye, you knew his eyes would be trembling with fear.

"Of course, baby. Why would you think that?"

"What if- what if you get sick of all this? What if you think I can’t be fixed no more. What if you get tired of trying to fix me?"

‘fix?’ It was the first time you heard Bucky use the word ‘fix’. You’ve never thought he’d need fixing. He was just a poor man with a tormented past living as a victim of an experiment. He was just a poor man who just figured what love was, and he was just a man to you who was the most gentle, caring, and loving. You never thought he needed fixing.

"Fix? Bucky you don’t need fixing. You’re not broken. And I’m not dating you to fix you. I’ll never be sick of-"

"But what if you do?"

"Bucky, look at me. I’ll never leave you. I’ll be right here as long as you’ll tolerate me. I’ll break the world into two pieces, I’ll go to space and fight aliens, and I’ll even move mountains just to stay with you. I’ll never get sick of you. Never. You’re stuck with me until we’re gray and old, alright?"

Bucky nodded, and the hug deepened. He trusts you once again, because deep in his heart, he knew you’d love him no matter what. And the link of the two of you will be connected for eternity.

[thesturniolos]

warning signs

part 2

catch part 1 here!

tags: @sturniolosluvv @sturnsblunt @chrisdevora @sosmatt @kirby0strombolli @stvrni0lo@vqnillasturns @slut4chris @recklesssturniolo @chrisolivia4l @silverlakee @freshlovehacker @chrisenthusiast @chrisluvbot @bluesturniolo333@rac00ns-are-c00l4 @mattscokewhore @iheartchrissturniolo @zooweemamas @sturniolotripletsarehot @mcttsturn @bernardsleftbootycheek @sturnsworld @qwertytit @putyoursemenonme @realuvrrr @klarasmith @plasticferal l @sturnvilmed @delusionalsturniologirl @thy-mission @strniohoeee @sturnsclutter @chrissturn @chrissturniolossidehoe

“chris?”

his hand lay clenched around the door knob and he stands still, deadly still.

“what are you doing here?” i look at nate to see if he had any clue what was going on because he gave me no warning he was about to turn up at my doorstep with no notice.

“well i just thought” he stops himself and looks about.

is that it? he just thought. he thought what? he thought he wanted to come back home and confess his love again? he wanted to apologise for all the nights i slept on a tear soaked pillow? or was he apologising for just leaving randomly?

“i thought maybe you’d wanna see me” i laugh at this. i laugh at this stupid comment and how naive this boy is for just thinking i’d wanna see him.

hell i’d get on my hands and knees to see him, i’d give up everything to see him. but this? this is not what i imagined.

he stands there and he’s so different. the differences make me think of the time and the change and how long it’s been. his hair’s grown and he’s even taller now. he’s wearing all of his merch and as my eyes drag down to his wrist, i notice the bareness and the exposure of his skin.

just on his left wrist there used to be a bracelet that belonged just to us, a token of the promise we made to one another all those years ago. my hand falls down to my own hand and glides up slightly to touch the loose piece of thread that has frayed against my skin.

i never dared to take it off, ever. i couldn’t ever break that promise but i guess that didn’t matter.

“you thought i’d want to see you. chris, you thought i wanted to see you?” he scratches the back of his neck and takes a few steps into my room.

“well, yeah. it’s been a while.”

“it’s been months. it’s not been a while. it’s been what’s felt like years with barely any words from you. did you know texting me goodnight isn’t exactly a conversation? and did you know the last time you did say that it was nearly a month ago?”

“i’m so-“

“no, chris. you don’t get to just say sorry and leave here feeling like you’re on top of the world. you’ve left me with nobody, literally nobody but nate for months and you have the nerve to turn up to my house with no warning, out of nowhere, to tell me that you’re sorry? well do you know what chris? i’m sorry. i’m sorry i clearly wasn’t good enough for you. enough for you to even talk to me for the past couple months, enough to stay here in boston and actually experience the future you claimed to have dreamt of with me. clearly you’ve got bigger priorities and i just wanna remind you, before this, before all of this, i was your number one. me. and i was there for you through thick and thin and i supported everything you did. and the stupidest thing is i haven’t even stopped either. i’m still cheering you on and defending you, us, when you stopped caring all those months ago.”

he stands there shocked by my words and shaking his head, all for what? he knew what he’d done. there had to be a little bit in the back of his mind that realised he’d forgotten me.

“and before you drag me for not supporting your career and all that shit, just remember i was the one who encouraged you to start that and i always always made sure you knew how proud i was of you and your brothers. i’ll never be able to forget the day i witnessed you guys hit a million, i was so happy for you guys and i’m still happy for you all now. but i’m disappointed that in amongst all of that you forgot the people that matter the most. those fans weren’t there when you were getting bullied at school for doing what you loved, i was. i made sure they backed away from you, i put a bubble around you to protect you from criticism that i knew would knock you down and i never ever wanted to see that.”

i’m off the bed now and i’m near tears. it’s raw emotion displayed through words that have been pent up since the second he left, before that even.

it’s sadness, it’s mourning the loss of the person he used to be, it’s disappointment and it’s the pain of the old memories. its betrayal on the highest level and it’s cut me like spear through the heart. it’s slowly been splitting but him being here and staring at me with water building in his eyes is like a final dagger into the pumping muscle and i can slowly feel the blood draining out of me.

“i’m gonna just head out. call me later, okay?” i nod at nate and he awkwardly moves past chris and closes the door, leaving the two of us and the silence surrounding the room.

“i don’t know what to say.” he comes closer to me and hesitated before hovering near my bed.

“i didn’t realise you thought i forgot you like that. i-uh.”

“you didn’t realise? chris, are you insane? you didn’t realise-“

“i sleep with a picture of you by the side of my bed every night.” he looks up from his lap and into my eyes. “it’s the only thing that makes me feel comforted. my pillow even has a dent from where i hold it at night wishing it was you.”

the needle and thread pierce through my heart and carefully sow upwards as i watch chris slowly open up to me.

i haven’t heard his voice for months, the gravel at the back of his throat ironically still sounding like birdsong to me.

“i used to rub my thumb across our bracelet to feel like you were there with me but the thread wore away and um, it broke.” his voice breaks a bit and he puts his head down.

i feel the need to sit down, like a magnetic force pulling me against the bed desperately trying to comfort him. so i do. i sit down and next to him and this is the closest we’ve been for six months.

“the more i found myself texting you, the bigger the hole in my heart grew and so i thought, stupidly, that by letting our conversations get smaller and smaller you wouldn’t need me as much and me being away wouldn’t hurt so bad because i knew how much pain i was in being away from you so i assumed you were feeling the same.”

he continued “i couldn’t bring myself to break up with you, i made a promise. i didn’t want to break up with you, i just thought it would be better for you to be happy rather than endlessly waiting for me.”

“i would wait forever for you, chris. all i wanted was for you to care or to text me, anything. of course, i want you here with me but i want to be with you and happy even if it means doing it through a screen.”

“i’m so sorry. i never meant to hurt you, i was trying to protect you and i was doing what i thought would make you happy. it was killing me you not being there with me. i didn’t want to just turn up here randomly but saying this in text, it just doesn’t show how much i care about what i’m telling you.” he looks at me with tear stained cheeks and my hand goes up to wipe them away. as our skin touches, i feel the heat slowly come back to my face and i smile at his reaction.

he grabs ahold of my hand and pulls it down till his hand is interlinked with mine. he sighs and quickly engulfs me in a heart-warming hug. it’s a hug that reminds me of old times, the best times, and it’s filled with love and sorrow at the same time.

it’s an apology for the break of our hearts and for the time we’ve lost.

“i’m not going anywhere and if i do, you’re coming with me.”

i smile as i lean my head against his and pull my hand to his hair to swirl it round my fingers, an old comforting habit i used to have.

he slowly pulls away from me and shuts his eyes and sighs contently, we felt normal again. well, as normal as we could be.

i press my lips to his and i feel him kiss back, we don’t part for a minute or two and we’re slightly breathless by the time we pull away.

we sit in silence for a while and i grab his hands to pull him off my bed.

“well i guess we need to make you a new bracelet then since you really liked your last one.” i giggle and he smiles.

“maybe make a few just as a precaution”

[meazalykov]

the flag of love

esmee brugts x notafootballer!reader

warnings: google translated dutch

Y/n couldn't contain her excitement as she sat in the stands of the San Mamés Stadium in Bilbao, Spain. The golden hour sun shone down on the pitch and the girl couldn’t contain herself from taking a million pictures of the stadium with her digital camera.

The Champions League final was about to begin, and her heart raced with anticipation. She glanced at the random flag she had brought with her, a silly gesture that only made sense in her mind, adorned with Esmee's smiling face.

Y/n, a girl who went to college in the Netherlands, had traveled all the way to Spain as a surprise for her girlfriend, Esmee, whose football team made it to the final. The journey had been long, and y/n witnessed her girlfriend’s stress through facetime calls and international breaks in person, but the thought of seeing Esmee's team in the final made every mile worth it.

As the match kicked off, Y/n's eyes were fixed on the field, searching for any glimpse of her beloved. After she noticed that Esmee was on the bench, she focused on her girlfriend’s teammates on the field. She cheered along with the crowd, her excitement mounting with each passing minute.

“Who are you supporting?” Y/n’s attention caught onto a girl who stood beside her.  The girl's question was unexpected because she came to Bilbao by herself with no friends, she didn't expect much interaction with people before seeing her girlfriend after the final. The girl who spoke to her had long raven colored hair and spoke with a French accent. 

Y/n, who was dressed in a black tank top with dark washed baggy levi jeans, blushed at the question when she thought about her girlfriend. 

“I’m supporting Barcelona. Um– My girlfriend plays on the team.” The other girl raised her eyebrows at the last couple of words Y/n spoke. 

“Oh my god– No way! I’m sorry– I’m Margo by the way, my sister plays for Lyon.” Margo playfully raised her hand out and Y/n went to shake her hands.

 

“I’m Y/n!! Who’s your sister?” Y/n excitingly asked. She looked around the pitch with her (reader’s eye color) eyes, wondering if she could find a player who reassembled Margo. 

“Selma. She's number 4 for Lyon.” Margo responded. 

“What is that on your shoulders?” The French girl asked. Y/n had a polyester flag wrapped around her shoulders which flowed with the light Spanish wind. 

The WAG smiled as she unwrapped the flag around her shoulders. Margo’s jaw dropped in amazement as one of Esmee’s Barcelona media day pictures with Barcelona was pasted onto the flag. 

“No way!! Your girlfriend is Esmee Brugts?” Margo asked. Y/n nodded her head with a smile as she placed the flag back around her shoulders. 

“Yes!!! She's lovely– I got this flag done by someone on Etsy too if you’re wondering— I love doing silly things like this for her. She pretends like it's silly but I know she loves and appreciates it deep down.” Y/n smiled as she looked along at the pitch. She cringed for a quick second when she saw Patri fall to the ground after a challenge with Lyon's midfielder Lindsey Horan. 

“That is so crazy because we are the same person with that kind of stuff. My boyfriend plays for Lyon's mens team too and I love making silly posters for him and other stuff.” Margo smiled. 

“Yeah I can’t wait to surprise Esmee after this game. No offense to you or your sister but hopefully Barcelona wins so this surprise goes perfectly.” Y/n said. She hasn’t seen Esmee since her international break for the Euro Qualifiers a month earlier. 

The game was intense as the seventieth minute came, with Lyon’s team displaying incredible defense skills by not allowing Barcelona’s forwards to pass through easily . Y/n's heart raced with every close call, every near miss, and every brilliant save from both sides.

Y/n jumped with joy when Alexia Putellas scored a goal in the 77th minute. It would’ve been 1-0 but she frowned when VAR overturned the goal. Alexia’s arm was offside when she ran to score the ball.

Then, in the 89th minute, Esmee stepped onto the pitch as a substitute for Salma Paralluelo, a surge of adrenaline rushing through Y/n's veins. The girl jumped with joy at seeing her girlfriend appear. She clutched the flag on her shoulders tighter, her eyes never leaving Esmee as she dashed across the field.

The girl didn’t want Esmee to notice her right away since her arrival is a surprise. However, she shined the normal sized flag with Esmee on it. A few WOSO fans in the crowd, one with a digital camera in particular, noticed Y/n shining the flag and took a few pictures of her. The fans smiled in awe at the sight of the WAG supporting her girlfriend who arrived on the pitch.

With just moments left in the game, Esmee made her mark. She dribbled past defenders with finesse, her movements fluid and precise. The Barcelona fans in the crowd erupted in chants as they’re anticipating what might happen next. And then, with a perfectly timed pass, she set up Aitana Bonmati, who scored the first official goal in the Champions League final.

The stadium erupted into a cacophony of cheers and applause. Y/n leaped to her feet, waving the flag frantically as tears of joy streamed down her face. The dimples on her cheeks were bright as she was able to witness Esmee’s assist in one of the most important games of her career so far. Y/n couldn't contain her pride and happiness as she watched Esmee celebrate with her teammates. All who ran to the corner of the pitch and jumped in joy at Aitana’s goal and Esmee’s assist. 

After the final whistle blew, Y/n breathed in relief as she noticed her girlfriend’s happy face, the girl’s heart pounding with anticipation as she waited for the surprise to happen. 

Y/n was in the front of the stands that was closest to the pitch on the ground. Ingrid Engen, a teammate of Esmee’s who Y/n could consider a friend due to the many time they’ve met, saw Y/n and smiled brightly. The woman knew how much Esmee missed her girlfriend while living in Barcelona. 

Y/n smiled at Ingrid, who stood 30 feet away, as tears nearly came out of both of their eyes in joy. The WAG looked over and saw her unknowing girlfriend with happy tears threatening to pour out of her eyes too. She was hugging Alexia Putellas and Ingrid interrupted them to say something in Esmee’s ear. 

“Look over there, Es!” Ingrid pointed over at Y/n. Esmee was confused until she saw the sight of her girlfriend. Not caring about who sees, the Barcelona player sprinted into her girlfriend’s arms and cried into her shoulder. The team won the Champions League final and she was able to contribute to the goal that helped the win. 

"Ik ben zo blij voor je, sweet pea.” (I am so happy for you, sweet pea) Y/n softly scratched Esmee’s back over the material of her jersey as Esmee happily sobbed into her shoulder. The girl had happy tears coming out of her eyes too, she couldn’t be more proud of her girlfriend who shined with just five minutes of playing time.  

Esmee pulled away from the hug after five minutes, but kept her hand on Y/n’s arms.

“Hoe ben je hier gekomen? Gaat alles goed?” (How did you get here? Are you OK?) Esmee smiled brightly as she dragged her hand up and down Y/n’s right arm. The WAG nodded her head rapidly in joy. 

“''Het gaat goed met me! Ik kwam vanochtend naar Bilbao om je in de finale te zien sinds ik mijn laatste examen had afgerond.” (I’m okay! I came to Bilbao this morning to see you in the final since I finished my last exam.) Y/n said. Esmee smiled again before hugging her. She was in disbelief but in the happiest way possible. She assumed that Y/n wouldn’t make it to Spain for the final since the college student was finishing exams for her last year of University. 

“Hou vol? Ben je klaar met je examens? Je studeert af!!?” (Hold on? Are you done with your exams? You're graduating!!??) The realization crossed the footballer's mind. 

“Ik deed! Deze dag gaat echter niet over mij, dus daar kunnen we later over praten. Kijk eens wat ik voor je heb gemaakt!!” (I did! This day isn't about me though, so we can talk about that later. Look what I made for you!!) Y/n unwrapped the flag around her shoulders and held it up for Esmee to see. The Barcelona player laughed in shock and looked towards her girlfriend with happiness and love in her brown eyes. 

“No way! This is so crazy” Esmee knew how silly her girlfriend can be, but noticing her face pasted onto a flag was unexpected. 

“Yes way!” Y/n looked up past Esmee and saw all of the teammates walking away from other family and friends to go and receive their medals and trophies. 

“Now go over there and celebrate with your team! I’ll see you back in Barcelona!” Y/n said and Esmee’s eyes widened at her girlfriend's last sentence. 

“You’re coming back to Barcelona with me?” Esmee asked. She felt like her day couldn’t have gotten any better. 

“Yes! Now go celebrate.” Y/n pointed over at the Barcelona squad and Esmee jogged back to them. 

After Esmee’s Champions League win with Barcelona and Y/n’s college graduation, the two girls went on to live in Barcelona together and the girl was able to attend nearly all of her girlfriend’s football matches.

<3

[zegrasdrysdale]

Hi! I wanted to ask if you could write a request for cole caufield! So him and reader are like newly public but have been dating for a couple months, but she’s getting hate on the internet bc her ex is someone who’s famous (idk who lol) but anyways she goes onto like a podcast and talks about how much better of a boyfriend cole was to her than her ex and when she gets home he’s just so in awe of her and the way she feels and speaks about him (I’m so sorry if this didn’t make sense) 😭

[ to love and to be loved ] c. caufield

paring : Cole Caufield x influencer!fem!reader

summary : tired of the hate she's been getting, (Y/N) goes on a podcast to talk about her life, her past relationship, and her new public relationship with Canadians star Cole Caufield

warning(s) : language, mentions of cheating

author’s note : my first time ever writing for cole so pls tell me if i did okay :)

༺═──────────────═༻

She didn't know what she thought would happen when she and Cole went public with their relationship a few months after they started dating. There were a few hours where all she saw was support, until her TikToker ex decided to say something about the announcement she and Cole made.

All she sees right now is hate from thousands of people after her ex's comments on his Instagram story. He called her a bitch and said she used him to gain fame and use his money to get what she wanted. He even tagged Cole in a second Instagram story to warn him about her "manipulative ways". His millions of fans agreed with him and have started to flood her feed with hate and negative messages.

She can't even imagine what Cole's comments and DMs look like.

It's been a week since that day, and she's only grown tired of seeing all the hate. She's hasn't spoken out about her ex's accusations about her despite her having more serious accusations about him and his own girlfriend.

As soon as she was invited to go on one of her friends' podcasts, she jumped at the opportunity to speak out about what's been going on. It's time to speak out, and that's the reason her friend invited her on to the podcast.

The set is comfortable. She sits on the couch next to her friend and her friend's podcast partner. A microphone sits in front of her on a stand. A table sits at her feet that holds cups of coffee for the three of them. It's a cozy set up.

"Thank you for inviting me," (Y/N) says to her friend. "I'm sorry Cole wasn't available to come on with me. He flew in this morning from his road trip and has practice today. He didn't want to risk being late to the rink."

Her friend Demi says, "It's not a problem. I understand that he has a busy schedule. Thank you for agreeing to come on."

"It's time I spoke up about this," she tells her friend. "Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions. I'll happily answer any of them."

One of the crew members tells them they're going live in less than a minute. (Y/N) throws her curls behind her shoulder and sits back to get comfortable on the couch.

The same crew member counts down from five before pointing at Demi and her podcast partner. Demi is the one that gives this episode's greeting.

"Welcome back to TikTok Stuff You Should Know," she says into her own microphone. "To my left is Payton, which is not surprising at all because she's glued to my side. Today we have a very special guest joining us. She is a very close friend of mine who has been dealing with a lot of hate recently after launching her relationship online last week. Please welcome (Y/N) (L/N) to the podcast."

Payton looks over at (Y/N) and speaks. "Welcome, (Y/N). We're very happy you're able to join us today."

"Happy to be here."

Demi smiles at her and says, "So, we're all dying to know. How is your relationship with Cole Caufield? How have the two of you been dealing with the past week?"

There it is. Starting out strong.

"Cole has been super supportive of me," she replies. "He's been doing his best in trying to distract me over the past week. I think we've both been trying to stay off social media this week and focus on making sure we're both okay. He's been playing really well recently too, which makes it very easy to distract myself from everything that's been happening on social media. I think he's been using hockey as his own distraction."

Payton nods along as (Y/N) speaks. Demi's eyes are on her. They're both listening to everything she's been saying.

That's only a fraction of what's been happening.

(Y/N) has been in tears almost every night, especially since Cole has been on a roadie for the past four days. The first three days after all hell broke loose were perfect. She laid in Cole's arms every night and woke up next to him every morning. It made the days a lot easier.

Since he left, she's been in tears on FaceTime with him. It hasn't been as easy without him near her. It actually kind of sucks. She didn't even get to see him before she left.

"What made you want to come out about your seemingly new relationship with him?" Payton asks. "Did you think that Ethan would say something about it when you and Cole posted about it?"

She shakes her head. "I always thought Ethan was a really nice guy," she explains. "I certainly didn't expect this out of him. Especially after everything he did throughout our relationship. Cole and I really love each other and we both got tired of hiding that from the public. It was his idea to make out "

"That's an interesting comment," Demi slowly says like she doesn't know what her ex did. "What did Ethan do during your relationship?"

(Y/N) bites her bottom lip for a second. "He cheated on me," she tells the two of them. "All the time at the end of our relationship. Actually, his new girlfriend is just one of the girls he fucked while we were in a relationship. He would have a new girl every weekend and I would look the other way because I loved him."

"It wasn't because you didn't want to lose your constant source of followers and money?" Payton asks. "I'm not taking a shot, by the way. He accused you of using him for fame and money so I just want you to be able to clear the air."

"No, I understand," she replies after being caught off guard by the way the question was worded. "Um, no. I never once used him for followers or money. I made my own money by posting my own content across social media. I stayed with him because I wanted to believe he was a better person and that he could change. I truly loved him and I wanted a future with him. After nearly three months of this, I couldn't do it anymore and I ended things with him."

She notes that Payton looks genuinely surprised by her words. Demi looks annoyed because she and (Y/N) are actually very close friends so she was one of the first people that she told what was going on. She was one of the people that told (Y/N) to end the relationship when Ethan started cheating on her.

"That's crazy," Payton drawls. "Holy shit." She looks over at Demi. "Did you know about all of this?"

"(Y/N) is one of the most genuine people I have ever known," Demi says. "I hated seeing her in that relationship at the end, and I hate that she's being accused of using someone for followers and money. There was a reason she rarely ever posted Ethan on any of her social media. She didn't want to constantly post him because she was afraid to be labeled as a user. She loves creating content and videos. She's so much happier now."

A small smile forms on her lips as she thinks about Cole. She thinks about how he actually loves her and isn't afraid to show it.

"I am so much happier now," she echoes. "I mean, Cole is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was so patient with me at the beginning of our relationship because I was still healing from my last relationship. He spent so long trying to show me that it's okay to love and be loved by someone that I gave my heart to him. I trust him with my everything, which is not something I would've said this time last year."

Demi smiles at her and Payton mirrors it. "That's so good to hear," Payton says. "Sounds like you caught a good one, (Y/N)."

"I absolutely did," she replies with a smile on her own face. "He is the best boyfriend. I've been so emotional this past week and he has made sure to be there for me the entire time. He checked in on me while he was on the road for the past few games. I am so in love with him, and he helped me believe in love again. I am so grateful for him."

One of the crew members tells them to begin wrapping up. Payton takes over. "Well, thank you for talking with us, (Y/N)," she says. "Where can we find you and Cole?"

"You can find Cole on the ice tomorrow night at seven when he and the Canadians take on the Calgary Flames," she says. "You can find him on social media at colecaufield. You can find me on social media as well at yourusername. Or you can find me somewhere in the stands at Cole's home hockey games."

༺═──────────────═༻

It feels like an eternity since she's been home when she walks into her apartment in downtown Montreal. She shuts the door behind her with a sigh and leans against it.

When she throws her keys in the bowl by the door, she sees Cole's car keys. "Coley?" she calls. "Are you here?"

She walks into the living room to see Cole sitting on the couch. He looks back at her and smiles. "You are freaking amazing, baby," he tells her. "I listened to the podcast on the way home and holy shit. I have never heard anyone talk about me the way you do. I swear I fall in love with you more every single day."

"You listened?" she asks.

Cole stands up with a nod. "To the whole thing," he replies. "I helped you believe in love again?"

"Yeah," (Y/N) breathes out. "You did. You showed me that it's okay to love someone without being afraid they're going to hurt you. I thought that for a long time, Cole. You helped me realize that it's okay to love someone again."

Without realizing it, tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She tries to wipe them away quickly but Cole notices them before she can wipe them away. He walks around the couch to get to her and he envelopes him in a hug. "I'm so proud of you, baby," he whispers in her ear.

She lets out a quiet sob and buries her face in his chest. "I'm so grateful for you," she replies.

"You're so brave for talking about the whole situation," Cole tells her. "I can't believe how well you're handling it. I'm in awe, (Y/N). I wish I had your strength. I wish I could've been there to witness the whole podcast."

"I'm only brave because you're here," she admits as she pulls her face out of his chest. Cole moves his hands to her jaw and his thumbs wipe away more tears that escaped. "I don't know where I'd be if you weren't here. I don't know if I'd even be here if you weren't, Cole."

Cole presses a kiss to her forehead and mumbles, "I love you. More than you'll ever know. You're so strong."

She closes her eyes and whispers, "I love you too."

(Y/N) isn't afraid to say those three words anymore. Not like she was last year. Cole has showed her that she doesn't need to be afraid anymore.

༺═──────────────═༻

MASTERLIST

have a request ? check out the guidelines !

[kunikame]

# PURPLE LILACS !

[06] - dude... | prev. | m. list | next

ace trappola x fem!reader smau

! warning(s) : cussing, st@bbing mention, sewerslide & kys jokes, is ace developing a crush? is he not? well never know, author real story incorporated (yes the scissor story is real.) ! w/c : 865

even through your doubts, you chose to accept aces invitation in the end. perhaps this meeting will help clear up said doubts, who knows? plus, you suppose it wouldn’t hurt too much to pay the octatrio a little surprise visit.

upon entering the mirror chamber you immediately notice the ginger waiting for you by the octavinelle mirror, fiddling with his phone angrily. probably texting deuce, you assume. once he takes notice of your nearing footsteps he looks up and immediately brightens when his eyes land on you. “[name]! i didn’t think you would actually come!”

“.. that would be really rude. sounds more like something you would do.”

he winces momentarily, then after a moment, he nods in understanding, “can’t say i blame you for thinking that. shall we go?” 

ace holds his arm out for you to take, which you glance at warily, only to walk past him and through the mirror.

it’s not that you don’t trust ace, you’ve been through a bunch of shit during your time in nrc together, but you don’t really want to be seen arm-locked with him, either. people might get the wrong idea, or something (you fail to realize you’re literally going on something that looks like a “date” to outsiders). 

after a short mirror trip you find yourself outside the magical octavinelle dorm building. due to the dizziness the mirrors effects still have on you, you stumble a bit upon landing and immediately feel aces hand on your arm to help you steady yourself. after the first couple months you spent here, your friends have all learned the mirror makes you dizzy, and there’s always someone reaching a helping hand out whenever you use it. ace himself has done it a million times before.

so why is your heart racing just a tad faster this one time?

and why are aces hands shaking slightly?

“jadey my dearest!”

“seven save me,” was all the eel got to utter before getting body slammed.

“oh, how i missed you so! i’m so happy to see you’re finally back from war!” you say, wiping some fake tears from your cheeks.

“he is not ‘at war’. he is simply ‘working’. as all humans should, because some clearly have way too much time on their hands.”

“zuzu! … go back to war, i did not miss you.”

azuls expression was a hilarious mix of flabbergasted and backstabbed and you wish you had a free hand to take a picture, but it seems floyd had you covered when you notice his flash go off.

“what’re ya here for today, shrimpy? .. oh, crabby is here too! here for a squeeze?”

“no. nope. absolutely not,” out of the corner of your eye you could see ace slowly backing away from floyd, who wore his signature menacing grin–

“c’mon floyd, back to work you go.”

–before azul (who was still pouting) hauled him away. to this day you still don’t understand how he can do that.

“thank you, zuzu! love you!”

“i hope you explode.” (he’s not pouting anymore)

“so, what are you here for today?”

“ace asked me to hang out. i decided i’d see how it goes.”

“i see,” the eel hums in thought, “alright. give me a call if anything. or floyd. any of us, really.”

“thanks, jade. i hope i won’t need to."

“he threw you down a well?!”

“he sure as hell did! and our dad just stood by and watched, no words, nothing! like a damn statue!”

you’re pretty sure you’re doing an ab workout with how bad your stomach hurts from laughing so much.

“they couldn’t even pull me out! had to call the fire department, they were all like, “oh yeah, my child tripped and fell in the well in our backyard” tripped and fell my fucking ass, hello?! i was screaming ‘n crying when they got me out.”

“i’m so… so sorry… i can’t-can’t breathe–” you continued your hysterical fit for a short while longer before you finally managed to calm down.

“ohhh my god i can’t believe this, man,” you finally took a drink of the smoothie jade placed on your table about 30 minutes ago, “your childhood days were fucking wild.”

“yeah,” he copied you by also drinking from his drink, “how about yours? if you want to share that is, i understand that’s a.. sensitive topic right now.”

“no, no, it's fine. umm.. let me think..” swirling the contents of the glass before you, you thought deep and far back into your memories, until you found something appropriate, “oh, i stabbed myself with scissors once,” ace nearly chokes on his drink, “intentionally, i think? we were making some christmas cutouts with my mom when i was 7 and she left me unsupervised for 5 minutes. i started playing with the scissors pretending they were planes and the plane was supposed to crash into a mountain, which was my knee, and yeah. boom. scissors i my knee, blood everywhere, mom screaming bloody murder, and im just staring with my stupid little blank face.”

you look up from your smoothie and ace is staring at you like you just told him you ate your foot raw.

“dude…”

## ❝ after the events of the phantom bride wedding, ace started wondering whether he still had the ability to charm girls. he hasn’t thought about anyone romantically in years, hasn’t really flirted with anyone either, what if he’s gone out of it? perhaps it’s time to put his talents to the test; with the person who hates him most, no less. if he can charm her, he can charm anyone. ❞

#TAGLIST ! : @solxima @gabirii @lunavixia @y2unagiz @the-ghost-0f-t0m0 @borlining @verity-moon @myunghology @doughnuts-eater @lifeless-bug @babygurlenthusiast @shirishere @xopeach @stormyovent0aster @bontensbabygirl @ars-tral @wrathy-mcwrathface @sinofthesloth @skeet-2 @everettelz @sakuram1nt @shatiyuh @ambigrueity @junebunny06 @norylight @dyedracoonhair // ask/comment to be added/removed! (if you're in bold i can't tag you)

[applejuicefruit]

I love your blog ❤️❤️ never stop writing ❤️ can i request Neymar and Reader where maybe they are cooking together and Neymar breaks a plate and reader flinches because she was in a bad relationship before Neymar but he doesn’t know it please?❤️

Thank you so much <3

Thank you for requesting this I hope you like it ❤️

Neymar x reader

Tw : mention of panic attack, domestic violence and abuse

My angel

You and Neymar started to date only a few months ago, everything was new into your relationship, you were still in the honeymoon phase where he would bring you flowers at your office, you would meet every single time after dinner to spend some quality time together and he would give you free tickets to his games. Everything was beautiful but there was just one little detail you didn’t tell him ; you came from a very long and abusive relationship, your ex boyfriend manipulated you into thinking you couldn’t live without him, he made you needed him to the point you couldn’t live without knowing if he was okay or not and when you realised you were stuck into his mind game it was too late, he took all of his anger out on you, it didn’t matter how many times you begged him to stop, he wouldn’t listen.

Your opportunity came when you applied for a job in Paris, that meaning you would had to leave all of your life and start a new one but you didn’t care, you wanted to be free so one day you took that job and left when he was at work. It was the best decision you ever made. It’s been a year now. You met Neymar a couple of months after you moved in Paris and even if you stayed friends for a lot you both felt a pull, you both were so in love with each others it was almost sickening. You would still live in your own apartment, needing your time alone and your spaces and it was okay with that plus you knew he had a son so you didn’t want to make things awkward for him too.

You liked being with Neymar. He made you feel safe and protected, something you thought you would never feel again. He showed you real love and how to love. He knew you came from a bad relationship but you didn’t say anything else, he thought your ex cheated on you and you were okay with that, you didn’t want to bring him in your dark past, not when you created your own perfect bubble to live in.

One night you were having dinner at his place, Davi was with his mother so you and Ney had the place all for yourselves. Instead of ordering food you both decided to cook something, he wanted to make a brazilian dish for you and he asked you to help him cook. You were having so much fun that you didn’t think that a simple plate breaking would trigger all of your trauma in that moment.

Neymar accidentally dropped a plate that it ended all smashed on the floor.

The moment the plate broke something triggered in you and you flinched, scared by the sound.

“You okay?” Neymar asked you when he saw you flinching

“Uh? Oh yeah I’m-I’m fine I just got scared” you said keeping your voice from shaking. Ney seemed okay with your response so he didn’t asked more questions and you were grateful for that but still something wasn’t right with you. Your mind was back at your old place with your ex, the moments he used to shout ad you, the moments he used to lay his hands on you, the moments he used to throw glasses and empty bottles at you and in that exact moment the glass you were holding completely fell from your hands, smashing into millions of pieces on the floor.

“Oh my…I’m sorry Ney” you said with tears in your eyes, remembering all the things your ex would do to you if you dared breaking something he bought because - how he used to say - he worked hard for all you ever had and you didn’t show him appreciation if you broke something “I’m really sorry…I’m so sorry Ney, I promise you I’ll buy you a new one please don’t be mad” you said, head low while taking a few steps back

“Babe? It’s okay it’s just a glass” he said trying to reach for your hand but you flinched away “honey can you look at me?” he gently asked you and you nodded. Your glossy and now puffy eyes meeting Neymar’s worried face

“I swear I’ll buy you a new one, I didn’t mean to break it” you spoke again, fear in your voice while tears fell from your face “just please don’t be mad…”

“Babe…I really don’t care about that glass, I promise you, I’m worried about you my love…can I come closer?” he asked you but you moved your head no “…okay, it’s okay…y/n can you tell me what is going on please?” he asked now, he was kinda worried, not knowing what was going on with you

“Promise me you won’t be mad please…” you asked him and he nodded “okay…so, you know how before meeting you I was in this ehm…kind of toxic relationship right?” you asked him

“Yes, with the shit that cheated on you…” he raised his voice a little bit and you flinched again “babe…did he ever hurt you?” he asked you softly when he saw you flinching again. At this point you started crying more and more and Ney had no idea of what to do, you clearly showed that you didn’t want to be touched and it was okay for him, but he wanted to comfort you and had no idea how.

“He was…he was manipulative and when I tried to stop him it was too late - he became more violent and abusive and I was stuck there” you cried “I had no friends, my friends were his friends and I knew they would have never believed me…I was completely alone and I got stuck into that situation for months and months and I-I” you kept telling him your story but you were panicking and Neymar sensed it

“Honey shhh…it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me the whole story if you don’t want to…I just want you to know that I’m here okay?” he said comforting you giving you a smile and you hugged him, needing him to comfort you. He wrapped his arms around your body keeping you close “shhh…it’s okay baby, it’s okay, it’s over now” he whispered you

“It’s just…he used to throw bottles at me so when you broke the plate it kinda reminded me of him and-and when I broke your glass I panicked…” you explained while his hands were gently massaging your back

“I’m so sorry you went through this baby…” he said, letting a few tears fall but quickly wiping those away because he didn’t want to cry in front of you, he wanted to be strong for you in that moment even if his blood was boiling but he kept it calm and he kissed your forehead “…I’m really so fucking sorry this shit happened to you…you didn’t deserve it okay? You should be proud of you meu amor, you’re so strong you got out of it…I’m so proud of you baby, I love you so much” Neymar was fuming, he couldn’t imagine someone hurting his girl, his love. To him you were an angel, so pure and kind and just the thought of someone laying their hands on you made him so mad but in that moment all he wanted to do was hold you and keeping you close and closer to him, comforting you and telling you how proud he was of you - “okay…I have an idea, why don’t you put on a movie, whatever movie you want to watch and I finish cooking so we can eat and then cuddle all night?” Neymar asked you and saw you smiling a bit

“It’s perfect” you said kissing him and going to the living room to pick up a movie. Neymar smiled at you while finishing to cook, already thinking that you may have chosen a marvel movie even if he was more a dc person but he didn’t care, all he wanted was for you to be comfortable and happy with him.

[rocketboots564]

Here is part one of my thoughts, notes, and reactions to Red Versus Blue Season 9 as a first time watcher!

Yes, I have heard the news about Rooster Teeth. No I will not let that stop me from binging this series one way or another!

The rest of each individual season will be posted separately instead of being a reblog of the first post… mainly because I saw how egregiously long my post on season 8 was.

Season 9 Part 1:

Epsilon… what do you mean nobody’s called you “Director” in a really long time? Sir, season 8 was probably just a couple months ago… I think…

I don’t know how much time has passed from S8 to S9

FIRST OF ALL TUCKER, CHURCH IS CABOOSE’S BEST FRIEND

Wait… how can you get winded if you’re an AI. I mean I know Epsilon is in a memory unit, but does that mean he relives everything in a human body too?

It does make sense that Epsilon doesn’t really know how to use a Rifle. Sure, Church (or Alpha? Imma stick with church) didn’t know how to properly use it either, but he did know how to adjust the scope.

“Torqued in my pants” pffft…

WOAH TUCKER?! You did WHAT IN ALONE TIME? WHAT THE HELL’S “ALONE TIME”? 😦

Erm… what the Metal Gear? I unironically love this stealth mission thing. And knowing South Dakota… I wonder how long it’ll take for this to go tits up…

I’m betting five to ten minutes

also, YESS THE BIG BUCKS BUDGET OF ANIMATED CG SCENES RETURNS.

South MY GOD LISTEN UP?! HAVE YOU NEVER PLAYED ANY STEALTH GAME?! Set up the MOTION DECTETORS!!!

As someone who’s had years of experience sneaking past light sleepers in the dead of night for snacks and video games… I could do this better than you South Dakota.

SOUTH THIS IS WHY WE SET OUR SOLITON RADAR!!! I mean motion detectors… sorry I got Metal Gear Solid on the brain

MY GOD THE ANIMATION?! THE TAG TEAMING?! What happened that got South Dakota to eventually abandon North Dakota?

I too could take 50 of them South… in a fight… definitely a fight

Oop I saw that in the background! Who’s that?!

OOH THEY BAITED ME WITH THE BLACK ARMOR! They almost made me think it Tex… it’s actually well… whoever this cyan lady is

Supportive Sarge? He WANTS to hear the blue perspective? He DOESN’T want to command and yell at his subordinates?

GRIF? CLEANING? Actually I could get behind Maid Grif.

“I actually like being talked down to” woah WOAH SIMMONS?! 🤨 real, me too…

I mean… at least Donut’s still kept his accidental yet somewhat intentional innuendos. And, also his diary apparently…

Damn SHUT UP SOUTH DAKOTA! SHUT UP!! NOBODY HEAR WANTS TO HEAR YOUR SHIT!

North? WHOAH ANIMATED FACES?! NORTH DAKOTA WITH THE CLUTCH!!

Medics = bad luck. Honestly… yeah for you guys they are.

THE PHOTOSHOPPED WET FLOOR SIGN AND MOP IS KILLING ME

The ultimate OTP battle: Caboose x Sheila versus Caboose x Email

Listen… Tucker… never in a million years will I ever call you Professor Fuck

Damn the Freelancer Program only has ranked mode? No wonder they’re all assholes

CONNECTICUT? SHE’S CT? Yeah I can see why you’re so mad about your low rank… you’ll get your shit rocked by Professor Fuck of all people. Fuck it… it’s a funny name

So like… you know you’ve got absolutely dogshit rizz when Caboose has a better shot at dating someone than you.

Speaking of which… Caboose is now in my top 5 of the most dateable guys in this show. Like take this quote from him:

“I just really want to meet someone nice. Someone who appreciates me for who I am not so much because I’m pretty but because they really want to get to know me…”

HOW HAS THIS MAN NOT WOOED THE HEARTS OF THOUSANDS?

Tucker has NO rizz…

Oh wow Epsilon, just drop the existential dread on your teammates like that with no warning. It is a damn good thing your teammates either don’t understand it or don’t care.

Huh… seems even in a memory unit in which everyone is different fate still finds a way to make Grif lazy and sarcastic again.

Then again, that’s kinda happening with the rest of Red Team as well, minus Simmons and Lopez

Also, LOPEZ IS BACK! And this time is immediately beefing with Simmons… or rather the other way around.

“I’ll show you who’s likable and funny, and who people like” SIMMONS BABY ITS YOU! YOUR THE ONE I LOVE! YOUR THE ONE I NEED!

I just like Simmons… a perfectly normal amount…

Conclusion: this season already fucking ROCKS I LOVE IT! HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME!

[jamneuromain]

I Knew You Were Trouble

Steve Rogers x Reader (You)

Life Lesson:  There's always going to be a coworker that you don't like.

Warning: Cursing? A lot of cursing (?

A/N: This is my entry to @ronearoundblindly's Ro's 1-1-1 Challenge <3 Based on the inspiration from Eclipness. I mostly do the editing work :3 Basically some short snippets of your life being a task force leader in the Avengers.

*

Past

You heard of the funny business, that Rhodey commenting on Peter Quill, the legendary Star Lord, “So he’s an idiot?” To be honest, even if you are barely the type to joke around and have fun at the workplace – mind you, you work for the Avengers, the place that a single mistake could cost the lives of millions if not billions - you could barely keep the amusement off your face for three full days after you heard the anecdote.

“You’re laughing now, but I’m telling ya’,” Rhodey sipped his coffee, his words were more of a warning and a piece of advice to you, when you both and seven new recruits happened to be in the coffee room during the break and Rhodey shared his experiences in past missions, “sooner or later you’d figure there’s someone dumb as hell and you’ll feel the exact same way.”

The new recruits burst out a new round of laughter, but you shook your head with a small smile. The warmth of your coffee mug prickled your fingers slightly as you picked it up, “I’m sure it is not as bad as it sounds. We have the best agents here in the compound. They are the best of the best of the best.”

You knew Rhodey for a long while now. In fact, he was one of the instructors in your early years of army life. However, it wasn’t until later that the Avengers Initiative became more stable that he introduced you to this line of work, when all the other Avengers are either too busy or too incompetent (and yes, Rhodey was referring to Tony when he used this word) to lead a special task force that dealt with missions that were not quite Avenger’s level, but tricky if put in the hands of normal agents and squads.

And for the record, Rhodey wasn’t talking about anyone specific this time when he said “someone”.

While you thought otherwise. Sure, there will always be an annoying coworker or colleague at work, but you were certain that you could keep it professional.

Oh boy Oh. How wrong you were.

**

Now

“Cap has been on this mission for six months, and now he needs your help on this lead.” Sam, who has been like a big brother since your arrival, and even more brother-like when he knew about your army life, opens the conference room door for you. He flashes his pearl white teeth, “Debriefing starts in two minutes. I know this is your first time working with him. Don’t worry, he doesn’t bite.”

The glass door opens, and there stands Maria, mission dispatch officer of the Avengers Initiative, who simply nods and gestures you to sit down, checking her tablet and probably taking notes on her brief later. Your task force teammates sit on either side of the table, talking or minding their own business.

“Good luck!” Sam waves and disappears down in the corridor.

A few seconds and Maria still hasn’t started debriefing.

“Maria, do you need a couple of minutes?” You ask in confusion, seeing that Maria has no intention of introducing your next mission.

Maria raises her head from the tablet, blinks in confusion, before realization hits her, “we’re still waiting for one more.”

Debriefing was supposed to start three minutes ago.

No matter who comes through that door next, you’re going to show him, or her …

“Sorry everyone. There’s been a little incident downtown.” Steve Rogers, the blonde bulky super soldier rushes through the door, crashing himself down the chair beside you, “hello, you must be the leader of the task force. I’m Steve. Nice working with ya.” As he extends his hand.

You shake his hand out of politeness, while Maria starts pulling out the map of hostile locations where the lead points to.

It’s hardly likely for you to show him … some moves or anything.

But Captain Rogers is one of the greatest soldiers ever walk the Earth.

It’s going to be pleasant working with him, right?

… right?

***

The first mission that your task force is on this lead, you hand Steve full authority of commanding you and your unit.

Literally every recon mission you have been on, whether leading the task force or when you were in the military, was orchestrated perfectly. You get in, gather the info, and get out. Easy peasy.

But no.

You heard of the saying that goes around in the compound. “Every recon will turn into a full-on engagement.”

Whoever says that remains anonymous, but it’s no secret that these missions refer to Captain Steve Rogers.

It was an urban myth, you thought. How can someone as experienced as Steve Rogers, a man who has been through actual World War II, could make mistakes and blow up a simple recon?

You were proven wrong.

“Coming in hot, four o’clock!” Steve shouts as he blocks an RPG with his vibranium shield, explosion and dust wrap around him and engulf him in flames.

You curse under your breath, hands steady on your sniper rifle and take out another guard on the gate.

It wasn’t his fault, nor your teammates’. When the recon became an engagement with hostile members of this organization. It was … purely bad luck?

When some guard hit the panic button, setting the entire place in lockdown, and yelling in the comms that he couldn’t see his pal heading to the bathroom on the security cams.

But still, this NEVER happened before.

You join the messed up battle field as Captain Rogers plans for extraction, which includes getting in the RV (seriously, RV? These bad guys sure know how to have fun) and blasting the concrete walls using the new plasma cannon that you snatched from the bad guys’ weaponry room.

“Do we know how far is the blast radius of this thing?” You are in favor of getting out, but you aren’t in favor of killing yourself when getting out.

“We’d have to wait and see then.” Captain Rogers says in extreme optimism, covering your six when you and your teammates cram in the bus-like RV.

David, the mechanic expert in your team, plops up the skylight with the help of his teammates, holding the dangerous cannon and nodding to you, “we’re ready.”

“On my mark, go!” Captain Rogers hops on the RV as well, and tells you to drive.

The firing gradually ceased, as the enemy agents sure are baffled as well why you are driving towards a wall.

“NOW!” He shouts to David, who steadies himself and fires the cannon with a spectacular aim.

Oh, the plasma bomb-thing hits the wall alright. It blasts a hole with a radius of ten miles, taking down the whole wall with it, and burning a few yards of trees near the castle as well.

You hit the gas pedal and go through the hole – technically there isn’t a hole. There used to be a wall. You take the RV through the empty space which used to be a wall, and get out of sight of the enemy agents.

While your teammates lie down and rest, some taking care of their wounds with a first aid kit they found somewhere, you spare a glance at Captain Rogers. Ash and dust smear his pretty face, hair all tousled and his helmet lost – again, you heard that the equipment room produces ten helmets per month for him, just because he’d lost one somewhere almost on a daily basis during the mission.

And you know. You just know.

He’s reckless as hell and you won’t enjoy working with him.

Not one bit.

****

He hurries on the Quinjet before you and your task force take off.

“What’s this mission?” He speaks to you in a low voice, placing his shield near his feet, taking a seat right next to you.

“Caribbeans. For the felon codename ‘Tower Gate’.” You fasten your seatbelt, instructing the pilot to take off, “I thought you were on another mission?”

“Tower Gate? I thought he was in Spain?” He furrows his brow in confusion.

You clench your jaw, trying to make your voice sound calm, “the last mission when we,” you point at you and him separately, “were pursuing Tower Gate in Spain, and he got away, was six months ago.”

“Oh, right.” He pauses for a moment, clearly taking in you and your teammates suit up as divers, “what’s with the suit?”

Inner peace. You tell yourself. Inner peace. Breathe in. Breathe out.

“You didn’t get briefed?” You eye him, almost speechless, trying not to sound mad, “we are going to dive into the ocean to approach the island. Does your heavy armor…” work in the ocean? Won’t it drown him???

That would be tons of reports to write.

“I’ll figure something out.” He smiles, leaning back against the cockpit when the plane hits a small turbulence and he sucks in air and rubs the back of his head with a painful expression.

You kind of know where he gets his crazy ideas from.

He probably banged his head a lot during missions without his helmet.

Speaking of, “where on Earth is your helmet?” You can’t help but ask.

An embarrassed smile lingers on his lips, “kind of … lost it. During the last mission, and equipment room hasn’t produced the new batch yet.”

“Lost it???” You raise your voice by an octave, “and you’re going on missions like this?? Without your helmet?”

He definitely banged his head a lot.

……

“I’m telling you, Maria. He has the worst intel, rushes in front of the whole team without even a proper plan in mind, and he keeps putting himself in danger, which I will not tolerate when I’m running missions.” You complain to Maria Hill, who looks thoughtfully on hearing your reasons to kick Steve out of your team, or stop running missions with you at least.

“I’m sorry, but Steve can pick his own missions.” Maria shrugs, “however, I can forward your opinion to him, if it helps.”

If it helps?

You huff and leave the room.

*****

“Hey, I think we’re supposed to go over the briefing for the mission tomorrow.” You are stopped by Steve Rogers on your way to mission dispatch center. He taps your shoulder and asks if you could join him in the conference room.

“But there’s no mission tomorrow?” You shake your head for clarity, “what’s the codename for this mission?”

“Code name Streetlamp.”

“That’s … Agent O’ Hare. O’ Hare is working on ‘Streetlamp’.”

“Uh… where can I find Agent O’ Hare?”

You know O’ Hare. Not so well, but you know him. He’s one of the new recruits at the time you were brought in. His office is right next to yours and you occasionally bump into each other in the coffee room.

“He’s … on leave.” You choose your words carefully.

“When will he be back?”

“The day after tomorrow.”

“He’s got a mission tomorrow. Who authorized this?” Steve furrows his brows. Even though he’s extremely handsome, you still want to punch him in the face.

And you are extremely sorry for O’ Hare too.

You bet Steve is going to wake up in the middle of tonight and think about how he should have NOT asked you this.

“His father passed away and he headed back to his home to arrange the funeral.” You sigh, feeling the blood pumping in your head, “and you authorized his leave. You are the only person who can authorize senior agents’ leave.”

“Wait I do?”

“GO ASK THE HR NOT ME!” You exclaim in frustration, “I’m not your secretary!”

“Oh. Umm… okay. Have a nice day.” Steve looks apologetic. And it seems he is heading towards the HR department.

Jesus Christ. He needs a secretary or an assistant or something.

Why doesn’t he have one?

Why doesn’t anyone see that?

Is Avengers Initiative that broke?

******

Steve was wounded in action during a mission together.

Apparently, he still has the power to choose which mission he participates in.

Sure, he was wounded when he was crazy enough to draw fire from half of your opponents.

Two ribs, a cracked skull – see, you knew he’d get hurt when you realized his helmet has gone missing again – and a broken arm.

Touching. Truly. But you prefer it if no one gets hurt.

You went to the medic bay and sent flowers and shit, leaving shortly because you have leave for the mission briefing.

Out of curiosity.

Just out of curiosity.

That Steve decides to poke around the phone.

It should take two days to heal and he can’t really paint or read, with his headaches and the cast on his arm.

The small and handy phone seems like a way to kill time.

See, no one, and you mean no normal person, would check other people’s Whatsapp signature.

But Steve, being completely ignorant to modern day social rules, accidentally clicks in your profile and reads your signature: SGR is a big dumbass.

And your twitter, which he almost magically found, your twitter that was unattached to the rest of your social media, but he stumbled upon.

“Jesus F Christ pay ATTENTION this is YOUR mission brief???!!!”

“You are the team leader??? Could you TRY NOT to get us killed????”

The dates of the post miraculously click with the missions you went on together.

“Parachute. The fucking dude jumps off without a parachute. From the plane. WITHOUT A FUCKING PARACHUTE!!!”

“THAT FUCKING SHIELD ALMOST KILLED ME YOU CAN JUST TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO SPEAK AT MY FUNERAL”

“I should resign JFC I might get an aneurism for working with this dumbass”

“The helmet the helmet the helmet how many times do I have to say put the FUCKING HELMET ON”

And the one from the very start: “Maria asked me why the enemy fortress seems different on satellite image. What can I say? Because we BLEW THE FUCKING WALL and BURNT the ENTIRE FOREST DOWN???”

Steve would argue that he’s not a dumbass before he read all the posts on your twitter.

But now he doesn’t have any evidence to back him up.

He does sound like a dumbass when you repeat his actions in your tweets.

*******

You were hauled up in the middle of a night in your bed for new updates on your last mission. Afterall, villains work 24/7 and don’t care what time zone you are in.

You yawn behind your coffee mug, but the rest of the participants seem energetic when they are in Russia, adjusted to the local time zone already.

Steve, not surprising, was also in the meeting. The background of this online conference looks like his office in the Avengers compound. Clearly, he too is a bit disturbed by the conference at 2 am, as he tries to focus but you can still see the tiredness on his face.

Your phone pings with one new message as you yawn again, failing to cover your tiredness with your mug this time.

Steve Rogers: I heard that the Avengers Compound is haunted in the middle of the night ;)

You double check your surroundings.

You are at home, only that your online meeting background was set with a virtual office background, looking like as if you are in your office right now.

Focus on “AS IF”.

You chew on your lower lip not to reveal the smugness as you type back.

You: I’m at my house. But is there something just floated behind your back just now?

The next second, you see Steve panics and looking over his shoulders frequently, having Maria and Tony stop and ask him if everything is alright.

Nope. Everything is not alright.

You are completely wide awake at this point, as Steve blushes and tells them to continue.

You did not miss that he adds a jacket to his thin T-shirt as soon as the briefing continues. The super soldier serum does nothing to compete with the chillness coming from the bottom of his heart for fear of ghosts.

You hide your smug smile behind your coffee mug.

Steve Rogers. Fear of ghosts. HA!

Is Steve cute? Do you like him when you are not on missions? Sure.

Do you still think he’s dumb as hell and want to punch him in the face whenever you are on missions together? Hell yeah.

A work I hold dear: Attached

This, absolute this. This is the fic that started my madness of (writing for) Steve Rogers and dragged me down to hell of sinfully hot Professor Rogers :3 This is an absolute masterpiece that I'll forever hold dear (and definitely rush back to if I ever get an email saying that another chapter has been updated)

My work that I hope gets more attention: Wishful Thinking

I know it's yet to finish and dark and everything but def I hoped for more responses to a fic with a few chapters that I haven't managed to work out ;_;

[monstersinthecosmos]

Do you have any advice/tips for writers with ADHD? I have ADHD and dyslexia on top of it and I've recently started writing fanfic. I love it but it takes so long for me to actually order my thoughts into something readable and find the right words to put down. I get distracted easily. I usually need to get in the mood of the fic I'm writing to have a decent flow but it's rare that I can do it. I just feel distressed cause I have so many ideas but I'm so slow at writing it takes me months to write a 5k oneshot.

Hello!!!!!!!! Yes I have some advice, I would love to share what helps me! I do want to acknowledge that what works for me might not work for you, but something that I find like mega super-duper important as an ADHD life hack is to be honest with yourself and start learning what works for you and how to find tools that work with your specific life. Like, for example, I heavily rely on routine to function AT ALL, but I know that I have to come up with a NEW routine every few months because when they become too familiar they get boring and stop working. And it took me a long time to learn it was okay to just like, leave an ineffective routine in the past and come up with a new one instead of beating myself up because it wasn’t working anymore.

(Please keep in mind that I’m in the US and I don’t have insurance so I’m like learning all this shit cold brew, white knuckling it on my own where like maybe this is extremely pedestrian advice that a mental health professional could’ve just told me years ago and saved me the time LOL)

And re: Dyslexia! I am not dyslexic so I’m not qualified to give you advice about this; if anyone wants to pop in and share please do! The one thing I know that can help is picking fonts that work for you!!!!!!!!!! Using a screen reader can also help when you’re reading to proof read so that you can hear typos or wonky sentences that your eyes miss. (I do this for all my fics and it’s so helpful!) Also if you’re in a frenzy to jot ideas down in your notes to start organizing yourself it might help to use voice to text!  

This is gonna be long, I apologize LMAO. Easy for me to scream and shout because I have ADHD but perhaps not easy to read if the reader has ADHD SORRY SORRY, take it a piece at a time if you must. But I’m gonna break this into two main parts, the ADHD Life Advice Stuff and the ACTUAL WRITING STUFF.

ADHD Life Advice Stuff:

I mentioned a couple things in my last post about how I approach writers block & burnout and I think tbh I approach this from an ADHD perspective, as well, particularly the burnout part. I don’t wanna repeat too much of that but basically for me, I think it’s just extremely essential to be honest with yourself, know your limits, and build your life AROUND the ADHD. You really can take any ADHD life advice and apply it to writing. I’ve done it a lot with house cleaning advice!

I’m a slow writer, too! And it’s taken a ton of practice to get to a place where I write longer fics. But like, five years ago I don’t think it would’ve been realistic for me to sit down and crank out a huge fic, I just didn’t have the skill and practice and confidence and patience yet.

This is not a race, it’s not a contest. Patience can be frustrating but getting to where you want to be might be a slow process and take practice, and if you sit down to write and think you’re gonna crank out 50k fic on your first try it’s probably not realistic, and if you push yourself and fuck it up, it’s only going to wind up being discouraging and unmotivating in the end. Imo it’s better to be gentle with yourself until you feel confident and have the hang of it; set smaller goals and be realistic about where you’re at NOW. It doesn’t mean that you will ALWAYS be at that level, it just means you have to walk before you can run.

I would say this also goes towards having a million ideas; THIS IS ME, I HAVE IDEAS ALL DAY ALL THE TIME, but I realistically know that I do not have the time to write all of them. Sometimes I write them down in my notes app so I don’t forget, but it doesn’t mean I’ll commit to writing a whole fic. Again, you have to be realistic about the time you have and the level you can write at. Prioritize ideas that really inspire you and make you excited.

In my last post too I mentioned that a lot of times my “writing advice” is more like, COPING WITH ADHD advice and tbh I think they’re inextricable. My life was a COMPLETE disaster before I found out I had ADHD because I was constantly forcing myself to try to live like other people, to some “normal” standard, and it’s just not how my brain works. It’s important to set up your life FOR your ADHD and just make things easier for yourself. And a lot of that is very personal and individual, so when I say be realistic and be kind to yourself, YOU know you more than I do. You will know if turning your wordcount goal into a game is more motivating than not stressing about your wordcount. You know if writing in a noisy Starbucks is more motivating than writing in your cozy silent home. I think sometimes you have to just try stuff on and see if it fits and create a routine that helps you, and sometimes the routine is gonna wear off and you come up with a new one. And it’s frustrating as fuck when you haven’t figured out what works yet. It’s a fucking process!!!!!!!!!!!! But there’s something to be said for being kind to yourself and saying “It’s okay, this doesn’t work for my brain, we can try something new tomorrow” instead of “This sucks and I’ll never be good at it and I can’t do the thing everyone else can do.”

So I’ll share some like actual technical tools now but I always feel like it’s important to talk about the ADHDness of it FIRST, like. This is you, it’s how you are. Find ways to make it work for you and don’t force yourself to use random normies’ routines if they aren’t built for people like us. Personally when I started being kinder to myself and making accommodations and cherrypicking random bits & pieces of advice that I thought I could manage, I became a lot more productive and had a lot more fun writing!!!!!!! This is like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before your child.

Actual Writing Stuff:

OUTLINES.

I feel like ADHDers don’t want to hear this LMAO. And it took me a suuuuuuuuuuuuper long time to figure out a method of outlining that worked for me. I was against it at first because it made me feel way too constricted and I thought I wouldn’t be able to be creative if I was sticking to one.

People talk about planners and pantsers with writing and I started thinking of my outlines as a TOMATO CAGE. (I found out this is also called tentpole method LMAO but I’m still calling it my tomato cage.) But picture that you have enough of a framework to have some structure and keep the story moving forward, but the plant will grow however it wants to and you can arrange the limbs accordingly.

I talked about how I outline a while back in this entry too so I don’t want to repeat too much, but basically I try to think about like what’s the structure and pacing of the story and build from there. For example, my longest fic on AO3 is called Tonight the Stars Revolt! and I started it by listing out 14 kinks/sex acts and arranging them in order of escalation. So that was my outline.

Chapter 1 – Jerking off in front of each other

Chatper 2 – Jerking EACH OTHER off

Chapter 3 – Oral

Etc!

That’s how the story started, that’s all I knew, but it gave me a roadmap to work with.  So you can start an outline as vague and broad as you need to, and as you approach each chapter you can start adding more detail. You can also leave yourself notes as you have ideas, like as an idea strikes you, go ahead and park it in the outline where you think it might fit. This is so helpful if you're trying to build motifs or foreshadowing so that you can be sure to plant all those seeds earlier in the story.

And again, like I said with being flexible about routines and accommodations, it’s okay to rearrange your outline! It’s not the end all be all, it’s your story! I’m constantly tinkering with the outlines as the story evolves.

But for example, say you know chapter 3 is about oral, when it’s time to write chapter 3 you can then start thinking about what scenes you might want to include, like

Chapter opens with them fooling around in a closet

They get called away to do a mission

Mission is very scary! Action! Danger!

Blowjob when they get back!

And then you add to it EVEN MORE as you approach each scene. Like, when it’s time to write the actual scene about the mission you can break it down even more

Open with the team strategizing how to escape

They get separated

There’s a fire

I also like to choreograph all my smut scenes LOL so like when it’s time to write the blowjob it’ll be like

He grabs at Shiro’s waistband

Gets on his knees

Shiro is telling him he doesn’t have to

He does it ANYWAY

Shiro tries to pull out to not come in his mouth!!

So that way when it’s time to actually WRITE! I just have to look at the next point. Like, instead of climbing the mountain that is a WHOLE FIC every time I try to sit down, I can check the outline and go “Today I just have to write about the fire.”

It breaks the story into manageable pieces!! And if your attention span is such that you can’t focus for a LONG time at once, that’s perfect! And if you’re someone who can like get into the zone and need to be really tuned in to get there, it works for that too! You’re just leaving yourself a trail of breadcrumbs to follow so that you always remember what’s the next part you need to write.

I also prefer to write full screen so that I’m not distracted (I use Scrivener which has a full screen and you can customize the colors so I have full screen & dark mode!) and I keep all my notes in the bottom of the document, so I always to make it that I can SEE the next point at the bottom of the screen so I’m always sort of typing towards it. (Scriv also has typewriter mode which is awesome for this, where the line you’re typing on is always centered!)

SPRINTS.

This goes both towards the “small manageable pieces” concept but also towards the “set a time of day to write” concept. But if you have any friends who also write and would want to write WITH YOU to stay accountable, it’s fun to text them and you can both start the clock and write without distraction and then compare at the end. (I’m gonna come back to this in a sec re: wordcount games.) But having someone to spend that time with you really helps.

There’s a Discord bot called Sprinto that you can use to have it in your chat but you can run it on your own too if you want to have a log. I use this a lot! I also sometimes have “sprint time” with my friend who ISNT writing, like she’ll do her dishes while I work on my fic. LOL. It’s just about having someone to be accountable with.

PRODUCTIVITY APPS.

Speaking of sprints, for me personally I try to be like DISTRACTION FREE while the clock is on, and on days where my attention span is particularly garbage I have some apps that lock me out of distracting websites/apps. On my phone I have Forest App, I THINK IT’S A DOLLAR? But very cool and cute. It plants a lil tree and if you leave the app the tree dies and you feel bad. So I’ll put that on when I’m writing so that I don’t pick up my phone and start fucking around.

I also use StayFocusd on my laptop for Chrome. This puts a daily timer on how much you allow yourself to use certain websites and then locks you out. I tend to write at the end of the day so I’ve usually used all my fuck around time by then.

WORDCOUNT GAMES.

Personally for me, I don’t like to agonize over my wordcounts because I worry I fall into “quantity over quality” mindset. I just have my lil challenge to write 100 words a day, but other than that I don’t worry about it. But if that’s motivating to you, you can make it a race or a challenge. Even doing sprints you can see if you can write more than your friend.  I think Scriv lets you set a word goal for a session so you can watch the words count DOWN as you’re typing.

I just know for me I have to turn everything into a fucking game to make it interesting LOL so I would encourage creating wordcount games if that will work for you.

TIME OF DAY.

I tend to write at night because I have too much to do in the morning before work, but I like to write in the morning on weekends when I have the day off. Figure out which time of day works best for you!!!!!!!!

Writing in the morning can be awesome because your mind isn’t smushed down by the decisions fatigue of a whole day. Writing at night can be awesome because it’s dark and quiet and time to be cozy. Maybe you’re most alert after lunch, idk man! Figure that out and work with it.

ATMOSPHERE.

When I write at night I like to fucking, put the appropriate music on, turn all the lights off, get my purple fairy lights going, light incense, have a snack, etc. This is gonna be different for everyone. I also live alone so I have the luxury of controlling the environment the best I can. But create a space for yourself if you can, something that works for you. If you get distracted easily try noise cancelling headphones, if you get overstimulated by something try to remove yourself from it. Wear comfy clothes if you need to, etc. Make it easy on yourself so that you can show up and be present with your writing.

I also wanna mention if you can’t write with music on, try ambient sounds. I know there’s a bunch on YouTube and some other writing sites but you can like, listen to ambient café noise, or traffic, or the woods! It can be really immersive!!!!!!!!!

TRY DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.

It can be helpful to write in a different location, if you’re able to. (This is not easy if you’re writing on a desktop but!!! If you’re able to move around sometimes it helps.) If you’re stuck in one space try to change the lighting, or hang up a new picture, get a plant, whatever you wanna do to make your desk feel different.

I do most of my writing at my desk, but I also have my WRITING CHAIR that I sit in sometimes, and when I’m really stuck sometimes I write on the couch, or on my bed! This is the same as if you go write in public. When I used to work on ships I’d go out in port and write in the woods, or in libraries, or in cafes. Inside the ship I’d try writing in my room, in my office, in the crew bar.

I think people call this “change your environment writing” like I’ve seen articles about it and everything. But it’s the theory that being in a different space sort of unlocks different parts of your brain, stimulates you differently, etc.

OF COURSE, if you are too distracted where you NEED to be in the same old boring space, don’t do this!!!!!!!!!! But it’s worth a shot. This is my main trick when I’m STUCK on fics and it usually works. :D

and finally THINKING ABOUT WRITING IS WRITING.

I set aside an hour a day to write, and sometimes it's 53 minutes of zoning out to music and tinkering with the outline, and 7 minutes of writing LOL. It's not a failure or a waste of your time if you sit down to write and the process isn't JUST writing and isn't JUST words coming out of your head. I think there's a lot more to writing than the words coming out of your head. Spending time with the ideas internally and letting them grow is so important and like, I think if it makes you more in love with your story or more confident about the story you're trying to tell, the words will follow!!!!!! Make a playlist or a mood board or some shit, too. Invest in that time because it'll help you stay inspired. (At least, it does for me. :D ) I know there's a balance here on like, at some point you DO have to actually write the words, but I don't think it's bad to invest in your inspiration as part of the process.

Anyway I know this was a lot, but it was really tough for me to figure out what worked for me so I just wanted to share as much as I could think of at the moment. I’d rather overshare if it can help you!!!!!!!!!

As always, take or leave it as needed, modify it to your own needs, do your best!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing fanfic above all else is supposed to be FUN and if it takes you months to write 5k that is FINE. What’s the rush, what’s the race! Be patient with yourself and go at your own pace!

[reigningqueenofwords]

Plenty of Chances

Pairing: past Dean x Reader, Dean x Allie (OC), Benny x Reader Word count: 2,454

Read on AO3

Part 5 of Unholy

The next day at work, the guys were constantly checking on you. It was sweet, but a tad tiring. You said nothing, however, knowing they had all been very worried the day before. You couldn’t fault them for that. By the time the day was over, you were greatly looking forward to relaxing. However, you knew that before you could relax…Allie wanted to talk. There was a pit in your stomach. 

Fifteen minutes after you got home, Allie was at your door. She came with dinner, as well. “Courtesy of Mary.” She explained. 

“Oh, I’ve never met her, but I have heard good things about her cooking.” You told her as you let her in. 

“She’s dying to meet you.” She admitted, setting her purse down. “We just need to put this in the oven at 350 for about ten minutes to heat up.” 

Nodding, you took the dish and made your way to the kitchen. Surely she wouldn’t be coming over with dinner if she knew about you and Dean, right? “Can I get you something to drink?” You asked once the oven was preheating. “I have milk, juice, water, I have Bolthouse smoothies in there.” 

“Juice would be nice, thank you.” She didn’t think she was doing well hiding her nerves. As you moved around, she watched you. Dean’s words from the night before echoing in her mind. 

The silence hung over them, making every moment more and more tense. Finally, you’d had enough. “So, you wanted to talk? What’s up?” You asked, ripping that band aid right off.

Allie took a breath, steadying herself like she had the night before, as well. “Yesterday Dean told about the pair of you.” She told you honestly. “He told me that the baby is his, and that you had no idea that he’s married. Is that true?” 

You nearly dropped your glass as her first sentence, but managed to set it down on the counter. “I’d never heard any of them mention a wife, your name, or anything.” You told her. 

“He said that you tore into him after work the day you met me, too.” 

“I did.” You nodded. “I felt beyond gross. I’ve never, ever slept with a guy who was seeing someone, or married. I had been wondering why we’d never gone on dates outside the shop. I knew that day when I met you exactly why. I felt used.” 

Allie felt for you. “Why didn’t you tell me? You had plenty of chances.” Her tone wasn’t harsh, which honestly made it all that much worse. 

“I felt it was Dean’s place. I had so many conflicting thoughts in my head, and the more I got to know you the worse the guilt got.” You ran a hand through your hair. “I’m sorry. I should have contacted you. I should have told you, in the off chance that he never owned up to what happened.” 

“Thank you. I do appreciate that.” She said honestly. “I sat him down to talk to him more last night. Ask him some things.” You didn’t say anything, letting her say things in her own time. “I asked him if there had been anyone else, and he said there hadn’t been. So, I asked him what about you made him want to cheat on me.” You looked down at that, knowing that your actions ruined a marriage. A marriage that seemed to be going so well until you walked into that shop. “He said there was just something about you. That he was drawn to you, and he was attracted to you the moment he saw you.” 

Feeling a tear on your cheek, you wiped it quickly. Hearing the oven beep to let you know that it had preheated, you quickly put the dish in the oven and set a timer. 

“I asked him if he would have said anything if you hadn’t gotten pregnant. He said ‘no’.” Her voice wavered slightly. “I then asked if he loved you.” 

You sucked in a breath at that. Never in a million years did you think that would have come up. It had only been a couple months of sleeping together and sharing dinner. There were no ‘real’ dates. All your interactions had been at the shop. Dean loved Allie, not you. You already knew his answer. 

Dean sat at the bar, downing a shot. Benny sat on one side of him, Cas on the other. Garth was off playing darts. “I’m sure you guessed I told Allie the truth.” He finally said after a few shots. 

Benny nodded. “Bout time.” He muttered, sipping his beer. 

“I’m guessing since you’re here, and not at home, that it didn’t go well.” Cas glanced at his best friend. 

“She’s over at Y/N’s right now.” He sighed. “We had our talk last night.” He went on. “She had questions she wanted answered, and I told her I was an open book.” Before he said anything else, he got the bartender's attention. “Can I get a beer?” He nodded his thanks once it was in front of him. Thankfully he’d been there enough that they just knew his beer of choice. “She asked if there were any others, I told her there weren’t. She asked what it was about Y/N, I told her I was drawn to her. She asked if I would have told her if Y/N didn’t get pregnant, I told her ‘no’. She asked me if I love Y/N.” He sipped his beer, eyes on the bar. 

Benny and Cas shared a look over Dean’s back. They felt his silence spoke volumes. “What did you say?” Cas asked softly, wanting confirmation. 

“I’m sorry, Benny.” He said simply. Dean felt even worse at this. Not only did he cheat on his wife, he clearly led you on in terms of him being available, he got you pregnant, and he was in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. What the hell was happening to him? He didn’t feel like himself, but a small part of him liked that. He couldn’t even begin to explain why . 

What the hell could Benny possibly say? He couldn’t tell him it was okay. He couldn’t lash out angrily, either. “She’s a good woman.” Was what he went with. It was the truth. Now he wondered. Did you love Dean? He knew you wouldn’t cheat on him, nor did he think you’d sleep with Dean even if you were single. However, he wondered. How could he not? 

It felt like an eternity before Allie ripped the rug out from under you. “He said he’s in love with you.” Her voice was soft. 

Whipping your head up, your eyes were wide, full of confusion. That couldn’t be right. What the hell did you even say to that? ‘No, he’s not’? Your mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. 

Allie gave you a sad smile. “I’m not angry with you. I’m not one of those wives who is going to go after the ‘other woman’, especially one that didn’t even know a wife existed.” She assured you. 

“I ruined your marriage, though.” You sniffed. 

“No, you didn’t. Dean did that himself. He chose to pursue you. He’s the one that didn’t mention me. He’s the one who lied to us both.” Her tone was firm. “And I don’t even know what’s going on with our marriage right now, honestly. He’s staying at home, for the kids’ sake, but…” She sighed. “I told him I can never forgive him. That’s true. But I don’t know if I can have him earn my trust back. Can I ever not wonder? I’m not saying I’d ever worry about you sleeping with him again, not only can I tell you’re truly sorry, but you did tear into him about it. And you’re with Benny. When did that happen, anyway?” She was curious. 

You let out a humorless chuckle. “Benny asked me out to lunch maybe five minutes before I met you.” You told her. “But we got close after I quit. It just kinda fell into place.” 

Hearing the timer go off, you got the food from the oven. “How about we find something to watch, push all this from our minds, and enjoy Mary’s cooking.” She was upset, and could tell you were, too. “Do you have a favorite show?” 

“Uh, Criminal Minds.” You wiped your cheeks before getting plates. 

“Yes! Please tell me you root for Garcia and Morgan!” She got excited. 

“Who wouldn’t? I would climb that man like a tree.” You giggled. “I really hope that they’re an end game couple. Like, even if it takes seasons to get them together.” 

Allie nodded. “Same. Reid, such a cutie, right?” If anything, maybe Criminal Minds is what could help turn this from an awkward friendship into a true, not awkward, friendship. 

You plated your food and handed her a plate. “Yes. He is so adorable.” You agreed. “What season are you on? Or do you just wanna start on season one?” You asked as the pair of you carried your plates and drinks to the living room. 

After two episodes, Allie was at the door to leave. “I’m glad I decided to talk to you.” She smiled. 

“Me, too.” You agreed. 

“Especially because our kids will be siblings. I want to get any awkwardness out of the way before they’re older, ya know? I’d like them to be close.” 

That took so many worries off your shoulders. “I’d like them to be close, too. Well, then I hope since you’re having a boy…that I have a girl.” You chuckled. 

“I like how you think.” She laughed. “Night, Y/N.” 

“Night.” You gently shut the door behind you. You planned to wash the dishes from dinner, and you’d bring Dean his mother’s casserole dish the next day to get it back to her. That night took so much off your shoulders, and you hoped that it did the same for Allie. 

The next day, you set the dish in the breakroom, and there was a bag with a couple cookies in it. You’d spotted them while you were getting a drink that morning, and decided to get them for Mary. You’d also put a little thank you note, complimenting her cooking. Now that Allie knew, you wondered if Dean would be telling his parents. You’d met John, and he was really nice. Would that change now? 

“You okay?” Came Cas’s voice, jerking you from your thoughts. 

You chuckled lightly. “Yeah, I’m okay. Was lost in my own thoughts.” You shrugged. “How’ve you been?” You asked, sipping your frappe. 

He smiled, moving to get himself a cup of coffee. “I’ve been pretty good. Glad I didn’t drink that much last night or I’d have a hangover.” 

“Yeah, those are no fun.” You scrunched your nose. “My worst one was when I was in college. My best friend and her boyfriend broke up. We went out drinking to distract her. I had many regrets the next morning.” You laughed. “I’m so glad that cell phones weren’t all that popular then!” 

Cas laughed at that. “Oh man. College days.” He sighed, shaking his head. “We’ll have to swap stories some time. I bet you have some fun ones.” 

You grinned. “I really do.” You thought back to those more carefree times. “That feels like it was lifetime ago, really.” 

“It does.” He agreed. “Sometimes I wish I could go back, but I do love my life. Ya know? It’s not that I regret how life has gone, but at the same time I miss it.” 

“I totally get it. Life, while stressful, was more carefree.” You knew exactly what he meant. 

“What’re we talking about?” Garth asked, walking in, taking a bite of a sandwich. 

“College.” You and Cas answered at the same time. 

“And are you eating a roast beef sandwich? At 7:30 in the morning?” You chuckled, earning a shrug. “Should I start bringing in breakfast foods?” 

“Technically, anything is a breakfast food. I don’t adhere to the ‘certain foods should be consumed at certain times’.” He told you. 

“Touche.” You felt that as long as he was eating, it was fine. “I do love a good slice of cold pizza for breakfast.” You agreed. 

Both men nodded at that. “Can’t go wrong with cold pizza.” Garth agreed happily. While he understood that you were still looking for a new job, he truly hoped you came to love working there again. Him, Cas, and of course Benny, loved having you there. He doubted anyone else could come close to bringing the same life you did to the shop. 

As days went by, you began planning what you would get Allie for Ethan. It had to be perfect, and wanted it ordered with plenty of time to arrive before she had him. One night while Benny was in the shower, you were scrolling through Etsy. Spotting the cutest little cardigan, you melted. “Perfect.” You said to yourself. You’d get Ethan a little Spencer Reid inspired outfit! You felt that Allie would love that, and got to work finding what you needed. 

Everything was ordered as Benny came out in a pair of lounge pants. “You look happy, cher.” He smiled. 

“I just ordered the perfect present for Allie.” You said happily. “We both like Criminal Minds and find Reid just adorable. So, I got her a little Reid inspired outfit for Ethan.” You showed him the outfit. 

He chuckled. “That’s adorable.” He agreed. “When we do find out what you’re having again? Next month?” He was over the moon excited for that. 

You nodded. “One month from tomorrow, actually.” You had toyed with the idea of not finding out, but decided against it. “Lunch date after?” You asked, hopeful. 

Benny licked his lips and nodded. “I’d love that, but I had a question.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Would you rather have Dean there? Seein’ as it’s his kid.” He wondered if that was something you wanted with Dean, as you clearly expected Dean to step up for this baby. He wouldn’t really be hurt by it, but he was hoping it was him you wanted to bring along. He’s the one that had gone to all your other appointments with you. 

You blinked. “That hadn’t even crossed my mind.” You admitted. “You’re the one I go to appointments with. I don’t even think he goes to Allie’s appointments, honestly. Why would he want to come to mine? I was the ‘other woman’.” You shrugged. 

Benny kissed your temple. “I’ll happily be by your side, suga.” He promised. “He can find out with Garth and Cas.” 

[medicallymercury]

Too Much, Too Young and Switzerland (16/09/23)

I feel like half my episode posts open with a “this one is so late” disclaimer but this must be nearly a month…the thing is that I don’t even think my thoughts will be any more developed than they’d be if I posted this the day the episodes aired. Also, I think I’ve gotten so used to not posting about episodes that for some reason my brain has become embarrassed about expressing my thoughts which is a weird feeling I’m trying to get rid of by acknowledging it right away in my pre-post notes.

I didn’t really like the first of the of these episodes, it felt like it was focussed mostly on dealing with storylines I don’t like or dealing with storylines I had been enjoying absolutely terribly, but Switzerland was brilliant (though I do think it should’ve come first).

Too Much, Too Young

Can Faith be gone now? Every time I feel like we’re finally about to lose her and this storyline, she manages to hold on somehow. At the very least, can she be off in rehab for a couple months? I get that a lot of people have started to not like her from all of this but I’ve been not liking her since before I even properly picked the show back up and I just want a break from her at this point. Honestly, I’m expecting her to make an annoying and immediate comeback once the hiatus is over and we get a time skip.

I didn’t think the Donna in prison thing really made sense but I didn’t entirely mind it until I realised that was supposed to be her exit from the show?? Already??? I expected that she’d be in prison but still in the show and then she’d get out somehow but no, she’s genuinely gone to prison. I’m really disappointed about this honestly - in a few months on the show, Donna became such a great part of the whole team and her storyline was interesting even before the car crash, it feels like such a waste of her character and the whole storyline and that’s all I really have to say on it.

Interesting details with Jodie and her nan but I wonder if there is more to it than what she said in the pub. For all that we’re learning about Max now, there’s still quite a lot we don’t know.

Something I’ve actually really been wanting to point out in this episode that I’m surprised no one else seems to have mentioned or noticed: Sah saying that Teddy “says it’s fine”. That means that they’ve spoke and while Sah thinks that Teddy isn’t past how he feels about it and while Sah doesn’t seem to be past their guilt, he has ~kind of- forgiven them?? It’s not the “let’s get back together and I’m sorry for pushing you away” forgiveness that Paige got (and which is definitely not actually healthy for their relationship), but he has at least tried to pretend “it’s fine” which is interesting to me.

Switzerland

I have less to say about this episode on a general level because I don’t think anything I could say would really be worth saying. It’s obviously great and incredibly sad, I don’t need to say that, it’s obvious.

I also don’t need to say that Di Botcher and Robert Pugh were amazing in this, because that’s been said a million times.

I don’t know what else to say, even three weeks out I still feel like all my thoughts on this episode are a bit useless. I think my favourite scene was the one where Jan starts asking about everything she’s got to do after he dies when Gethin has had the first drink. I just really liked how it was written and performed.

I don’t wanna make this post about Teddy because this episode very much wasn’t about him as much as it involved him but a girl has to hold off her inevitable start-of-uni induced autistic burnout somehow so here’s just the broad strokes of my Teddy thoughts, please ignore: It’s kind of always been obvious to me that he became a paramedic to be like Jan but now that’s explicit canon. This episode really leant into something I think I kind of alluded to me picking up on in my early posts about Aftermath, Teddy as Son 2.0. Specifically, “he’s a good lad, he’ll look after you” and Jan asking what she should tell Teddy after she asks what she should tell Ross and the ways that the answers to those questions are different. Lots of thoughts and I really don’t wanna go on breaking down every line (and all the ways I’m absolutely projecting) but yeah, it really added to how that argument felt for me. Equally too many thoughts about how this episode and that argument between Teddy and Jan fits into how Teddy’s like maturity level (I guess) has been dealt with in recent episodes but I equally don’t want to break the scenes down too much in that area.

[bellafarallones2]

Promptober Day 11: Someone who made a deal with a demon/fae for money or fame, twenty years ago tonight

(SFW, but there are references to drug overdose/general poor mental health)

The show was over, and Indrid Cold was alone in his dressing room. The mirrors lining the walls, surrounded with lightbulbs, made the large room seem even larger. There were plush couches and armchairs to seat at least eight, all unoccupied except for the man sprawled out on one of the sofas, his shirt riding up to show the silver piercing through his navel. 

And now, a demon. Indrid saw him first reflected in one of the mirrors - red skin, horns rising from his wavy chestnut hair - and then looked around to see him in person. His eyes were unsettlingly human - Indrid would feel better if they looked demonic. His name was Duck Newton, a name Indrid hadn’t spoken or written for twenty years but still had never forgotten. 

“So, uh, how’s it going for you?” said the demon. 

The most famous rock star in the world glared balefully up at him through his smudged stage makeup. “How do you think it’s going?” 

“I was sorry to hear about your boyfriend,” the demon offered. 

Indrid grunted. For the past eight months he’d been in a very public relationship with another celebrity, a country music star. Until two weeks ago, that was, when the country music star had overdosed and been posthumously revealed to have been cheating on Indrid with no less than three other people.

“Were y’all real? Or was it just for the tabloids?”

“I thought we were real,” said Indrid. He took a handful from the bowl of peanut M&Ms on the coffee table and crunched on them. “What’s with the small talk? Aren’t you going to just take me?”

“I figured it was polite to give you some time to process things.”

“I’ve had twenty years to process things.”

“Was it all worth it?”

Indrid gave a short laugh. “In a sense.”

Duck sat down across from him and took a couple of M&Ms.

“Twenty years was plenty of time. If you really wanted me to fight being taken you should have made the timeline shorter.”

“So you’re ready?”

“Fuck yeah I am.” 

Duck’s tail flicked against the upholstery. “You’ll have to take out the silver jewelry.”

“Would it really protect me from you?” said Indrid with some interest as he removed the ring from his navel and set it down on the coffee table with a small clink. 

“Not really. I’d just have to rip it out, which wouldn’t be pleasant.”

“Fuck no it wouldn’t be.” Indrid pulled his shirt up to his collarbone to remove the bars from his nipples, and then the six tiny rings from one ear, the silver serpent curling around the other. 

“Good?” said Duck when Indrid had removed the rings from his fingers.

“Nope,” said Indrid, and unbuttoned his jeans. 

“Oh, Christ,” said Duck, and averted his eyes as Indrid removed the Prince Albert from his cock. It took some doing. Indrid was a little surprised at the demon’s modesty.

“Yeah, I went all out. I thought it might protect me from you.” This was, of course, back when Indrid thought he had something to live for.

“Nope,” said Duck. He reached out a hand across the small midden of silver on the table between them. “Now are you ready?”

Indrid took his hand. “Yep." 

–

Twenty years ago, that night, Indrid had just been booed out of his third open mic night in as many weeks and his dad was threatening to kick him out of his basement unless he got a real job. So he opened the book of spells he’d bought at a garage sale when he was twelve to the page reading MINERVA: GODDESS OF FAME AND FORTUNE and lit a ring of white candles. 

The demon that appeared certainly hadn’t looked like a Minerva, with beefy arms and a potbelly. “...Minerva?” said Indrid.

The demon sighed. “I’m Duck. She fucked off and left me in charge. What do you want?”

“I want to be the most famous rock star in the world. I want to make millions of dollars and for everyone in the world to have heard my music. I want my music to be good.”

The demon’s face softened. “Your music is already good.” 

“Yeah, well, not good enough.” 

“Fine,” said Duck. “And you’re willing to give up your soul for it?” 

“Yes,” said Indrid. “It says here you’ll come to collect in twenty years.” He was twenty. Twenty years in the future was unimaginable. 

Duck was looking skeptical again. “And you’re really alright with that?”

“Yes.” 

“Alright,” said Duck, and held out his hand for a handshake. 

Indrid got a call from a record label the next day. 

–

They plummeted together through the layers of the earth, down into Hell, through red sulfurous clouds, and Indrid doubled over coughing. He didn’t catch his breath again, eyes streaming, until after his feet touched the ground. Then he looked up. “Woah.” 

Hell was less like a Bosch painting than he’d been imagining. Sure, the sky was red, and the dirt was also red, but there were no writhing masses of suffering bodies, at least not that he could see. In fact most of what he could see was gently rounded mountains, carpeted with trees. And, directly in front of him, a well-built log cabin with checkered curtains in the windows. 

“Is this where I’m going to be eternally tormented?” Indrid asked. 

“Nah,” said Duck. “If you’d been a real asshole there’d be some torment, but not for you.” 

“So what are you going to do to me?” 

“...That part I ain’t quite figured out. See, just having souls is sort of a… status symbol among demons.”

“How many do you have?”

“Counting you? One. See, when I made that deal with you, I was only standing in for Minerva for a few weeks. And then I went back to my other job.”

“Which is?” 

“Forestry.”

Indrid giggled. “Holy shit.” 

“It’s not like I’ve been neglectful! I, um. I watched all your shows.”

“All of them?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re good.”

Indrid didn’t quite know what to say. He was no stranger to praise over the years, but he knew it all was because of Duck. “Did whatever magic you cast on everyone to make me famous work on you, too?”

“No. Here, c’mon inside.” Duck led Indrid up the steps and into the cabin. It looked to be just three rooms - a bedroom, bathroom, and open-plan kitchen/dining/living area. Duck went into the bedroom, opened the top dresser drawer, and pulled out a mess of gold jewelry. “I got you replacements for your piercings if you want to keep them in. Uh, except for the dick one. I didn’t know about that one.”

“You don’t read the tabloids?” Indrid teased as he reassembled the metal parts of himself. “That’s fair. I think now it’s mostly stories about how old and unattractive and washed-up I am.” 

“Is that really how you see yourself?” said Duck.

Indrid examined himself in the mirror on the back of Duck’s closet door. Yes, that was what he saw. He’d never been muscular, but now he just looked skeletal. The dark hollows under his eyes seemed permanent now. And his voice had been damaged by years of screaming into a microphone. 

Indrid turned away from the mirror. Maybe if he ignored his appearance it would go away. Maybe he could be young and attractive again. He’d been hoping, deep down, that being sent to hell he’d revert to the body he had twenty years ago. No such luck. 

“I think you’re just as handsome now as you ever were,” said Duck.

There was still something gold in the dresser drawer. “What’s this?” said Indrid, pulling it out.

“Nothing!” said Duck. “Nothing.”

“Handcuffs? And a collar?” The gold was thin, but far sturdier than it would be without demonic magic. “Are these for me?”

“No! I mean. Uh.” Duck scratched his neck. “Look, I went to a goldsmith and said I wanted stuff for a human and she insisted I needed those too. Apparently folks like to keep their humans restrained. But you don’t have to. Unless, uh, unless you cause me a lot of problems.” Duck rearranged his face into something more menacing. “Then it’s into the handcuffs you go.” 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Indrid slipped the cuffs and collar back into the drawer. Then he went back into the living room. There was a stereo in there and he was curious what kind of music Duck listened to, what kind of radio signal you might get in Hell, but before he could turn on the stereo the box of CDs next to it caught his attention. Flipping through them, he saw a lot of bands he himself liked listening to, old rock he’d found inspirational, and newer stuff too. And then - his own music, too. His albums. Every single one of them, arranged by year of release. “Do you actually listen to my stuff?”

“Of course I do.” 

“Do you have a favorite?” Indrid said, idly flipping through again. Christ, he looked good on the cover of the first album. The most recent ones didn’t have his face on them; he didn’t photograph well anymore. Most critics thought the music had been getting worse ever since his sophomore album, but that had never stopped him from making music. The songs just kept coming. Probably a result of whatever Duck had done to him. 

“Your most recent one. Bug Venom.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah. I like Bumblebee. It’s a lot more positive than a lot of political songs.” 

“If you’ve got a guitar around here I’d be happy to give you a live performance. Unless your gift doesn’t apply anymore now that I’m dead.”

“Indrid, I did nothing to your ability to play. Don’t talk that way about yourself.”

Indrid looked up again and looked, really looked, at the demon in front of him. There was an expression in Duck’s eyes that Indrid knew well from groupies and admirers of all kinds, though as far as he could remember he hadn’t seen it on anyone for about fifteen years. Duck was attracted to him. 

“What does Minerva do with her souls?” Indrid asked. 

“She puts them to work. Trains them to fight her enemies and all that. But I don’t really get into all that. And you seem like you could use a break. After two decades of touring and all.” 

Indrid carefully kissed Duck’s very warm cheek. “You’re sweet.”

[eddisfargo]

I posted 3,305 times in 2022

That's 1,882 more posts than 2021!

7 posts created (0%)

3,298 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@exponentiate

@bbauthor2

@luminarily

@testingcheats0n

@copyrightedpodcasts

I tagged 916 of my posts in 2022

#dracula daily - 233 posts

#ouat - 33 posts

#goncharov - 24 posts

#once upon a time - 22 posts

#psa - 17 posts

#queen's thief - 11 posts

#elon musk - 9 posts

#backreading dracula daily - 9 posts

#skipping the queue - 9 posts

#incredible - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i sometimes have like a dozen that are still sitting on my default new tab page just because i opened one and then remembered there's a tab

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Not a day will go by (9/?)

Hello my patient friends! Sorry for the wait! It won't be this long again (for real this time)! This is a Christmas fic for last year's Secret Santa, and I've given myself a deadline to finish it before this year's secret Santa. Specifically, I'm trying to finish before December 18, which is mine and @cosette141's birthday! Thanks so much to everyone who's still reading and leaving comments--they keep me going when my brain refuses to write! Thanks especially to @MotherKat for being the best beta EVER! I'm going all out in November, and I've actually already got Chapter 10 written!! So it won't be too long!

Tagging: @resident-of-storybrooke, @everything-person, @teamhook

AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9

Summary: He may not remember his present, but she doesn't know his past. If she did, she wouldn't have married him… right?

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19 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

#4

Not a day will go by (10/?)

OK, confession: I've had this one mostly-finished for a couple weeks. Nervous about it! Finally earning the M-rating, although it definitely goes nowhere near E. Not a thing I've done before, so your patience is appreciated! I'm really hoping I can finish the fic this month! Wish me luck! Thanks as always to @motherkatereloyshipper for her EXCEPTIONAL beta-ing, and for this BEAUTIFUL cover I just edited in! If you find any errors, they were probably my last-minute pre-post edits!

Tagging: @resident-of-storybrooke @everything-person, @teamhook

AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10

Summary: Hook gets a chance to get to know his wife.

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20 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

#3

Not a day will go by (7/?)

APRIL FOOL'S.

Get it? The joke is, you thought you were definitely not getting an update of this fic today, but actually YOU DID. The first of 2022 (yikes)!

But seriously, so sorry it took me this long! ADHD is apparently the boss of me much more than I would like. But I'm hoping to get back on--not nearly an every-day posting schedule, but definitely better than every-four-months.

Thanks a bazillion to @motherkatereloyshipper for coincidentally being awake at a million o'clock her time and willing to beta so I could post this on April Fool's!

Tagging: @resident-of-storybrooke   @everything-person @teamhook

AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7

Summary: Captain Hook wakes up in a strange bed, next to a woman he does not remember. He finds nothing particularly unusual about this situation. But the woman seems to know him very well.

In Storybrooke, there’s only one surefire way to get back a lost memory. And it’s not going to work until he loves her.

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20 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

#2

My beautiful complete set, + a bonus first edition I got from a Secret Santa and the Spanish edition I’m working through! Somewhere I have the Vince Natale edition of The Thief, but I lent it to a student. I’d... better get that back before graduation, huh?

I think I might already have a somewhat more matched set in my classroom, at least part of it. I don’t mind whether I win or not, I just really wanted to share my beauties! 

25 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

My fellow Friends of Jonathan on the Discord were talking about who they picture when imagine Quincey P. Morris. There were many excellent answers, like Owen Wilson, Woody Harrelson, and Daniel Craig doing his Benoit Blanc accent. 

I apologize profusely but my answer is Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome. .

42 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[pacifymebby]

Hi bestie it’s age gap crush anon and I’m here with a little update about how things have been! So overall absolutely wonderful! We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I’ve been staying overnight at his place quite a bit and it’s actually been him asking me to. He’s definitely been making an effort to show that he’s serious about this and he’s not just jerking me around.

Now this is a big one… he asked me to go to his parents for Christmas Eve. I would absolutely love to and I hope I get to but I’m not sure about my family plans. We’ve barely even been back together for two months now and it feels like forever. Do you think it’s moving too quickly? I’m not sure but I’m so nervous that I’ll make a fool out of myself in front of his parents and im clueless on what to get for gifts! Any help is appreciated

Anyways love you lots and I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas season and staying warm!! ❤️🎄

Hi bestie im so so sorry i left this late!!!!

First up, if it isn't too late and u haven't made plans you should take the leap and go for christmas eve with him. Its kinda cute and not too serious but like, will show him youre into all this too and that you're taking it serious.

Honestly its like he's a whole new guy at this point he sounds so different from the age gap crush of summer!!

I think the speed at which a couple moves is entirely a personal choice on their part and how quick they feel they can move. If you feel uncomfortable taking a step, or you get a gut instinct not to take a step then listen to it, but if the thought of going to his for christmas eve fills you with excitement and happiness then do it. Also don't confuse nerves for a gut instinct not to do something, sometimes we feel nervous about things we really want to do.

For their christmas I'd say you don't have to get them something big. I always get B's family a bottle of wine, some chocolates they like. This year I'm going to put together a wee hamper with some wine and some crackers or something for them.

It doesnt have to be fancy just so long as you've tried. Ask him what wine they like and start there lol.

Also in terms of meeting family for the first time, that actually is nerve-wracking. I haven't had to do it for agesss and with B's mam i met her way before me and him were together. But with his grandparents i was nervous because they were kind of way more important haha.

I just got thrown into the deepend as well there, fully dropped in it because they just turned up at his house one day when I was round and started talking to me.

But my general rule is smile, be polite, and try to answer their questions in an open way rather than just saying yes or no. And like, if you are feeling any more confident than that, you can ask them questions. But usually if parents are excited to meet you they will just ask you a million questions and all you have to do is keep smiling and laughing at any jokes haha. Thats how i got through the first meetings.

Now they just sit and take the piss out of B haha.

Anyway, because i havent already said it in this message, i am so so happy that this is going well for you and that you're happy and excited to be back in this relationship. Im so glad he's treating you seriously and not jerking you around this time. He's maybe worked through those issues of the past and is feeling ready to be with you which is amazing. Sometimes these things just take patience <3 try your best to relax into it and enjoy your time with him. It sounds so cute how into one another you are <3

Also merry christmas hope you have a lovely season! <3