#source: brooklyn nine nine

[superiorsturgeon]

Doctor: *wheels Pyrrha out in a wheelchair*

Pyrrha: Wheeeooooo…! 🥴

Doctor: Sir. your wife is so muscular that we didn’t have enough anesthesia on-site to perform the procedure. You’ll have to take her home and schedule another appointment later.

Jaune: Wow… 😦

Pyrrha: *holds up her hands in amazement* Jaune…! They made me into a superhero!! 🤩

Jaune: So, she has no filter at all right now?

Doctor: Absolutely none.

Jaune: Pyrrha, what’s your opinion on Professor Goodwitch?

Pyrrha: *snorts* That lady needs to smoke some WEED! 🤣

[moonyswarmsweaters]

So I had a thought. Harry: "Come on Uncle Moony, the strategy thing isn't the problem. Night classes are keeping you and Sirius apart. You just need to bone."

[Dead silence]

Remus: "What did you say?"

Hermione: "Don't say it again."

Ron: [taking out popcorn]

Harry: "I said you and uncle pads need to go bone."

Hermione: [whimpers]

Remus: "How dare you, Harry James Potter. I aM YoUR FUCKING PROFESSOR !!!"

[five minutes later]

Remus, shouting: "Bone!!!"

[ten minutes later]

Remus, sternly: "What happens in my bedroom, Harry, is none of your business.”

[twenty-one minutes later]

Remus, shouting: "BONE?!"

[forty minutes later]

Remus, calmly: "Don't ever speak to me like that again."

[incorrectcanucks]

J.T. Miller: You were right.

Elias Pettersson: Yes! Did you get it, Huggy?!

Quinn Hughes: My phone was in selfie mode.

Quinn Hughes: But I look really proud of you!

[gardentool]

Nanami: Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Gojo: Yes.

Nanami: I was hula-hooping. Y/N and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.

Gojo: Oh my god.

Nanami: I've mastered all the moves. The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Gojo: Why are you telling me all this?

Nanami: Because no one will ever believe you.

Gojo: You sick son of a bitch.

[waterfire1848]

[ AU where the Batkids are kids. ]

Bruce: Clark! Where is Damian’s stuffed cow!?

Clark: Umm…he must have left it in the watchtower. Don’t worry. I’ll get it tomorrow and-

Bruce: Let me be clear. Damian can’t sleep without that stuffed animal, and if Damian doesn’t sleep his siblings don’t sleep and if none of the kids sleep-

Clark: I know. Bruce doesn’t sleep.

Bruce, holding Kryptonite: No. Clark doesn’t live!

[that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction]

In the marketplace

Arthur: This is where we were the day we fell in love.

Merlin: Arthur.

Arthur: The day you flirted with me for 15 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever.

[lovelymagnoliarose]

In the Featherington gardens

Colin: This is where we were the night we fell in love.

Penelope: Colin.

Colin: The night we kissed for 15 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever.

[incorrectbatfam]

Stephanie: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty, sixty bucks?

Duke: Two thousand four hundred and thirty-seven dollars.

Stephanie: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

[chaoticace2005]

Vox: You played me like a fiddle!

Alastor: Oh no, old friend. Fiddles are actually difficult to play. I played you like the cheap kazoo you are!

[thebat-musicman]

Bruce: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Tim: Okay, but in my defense, Steph bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink that shampoo

Bruce: That’s not what I wanted to-you drank SHAMPOO?!

[incorrectquotesmcu]

Y/N: Remember the day we first met and you fell in love with me?

Natasha: Y/N.

Y/N: Fine. The day you punched me in the face and I became obsessed with you forever.

[incorrect-bridgerton-family]

Penelope: I don’t have feelings for Colin anymore. So, time for me to go out there and spread my-

Madame Delacroix: Legs.

Penelope: Wings. Get out there and spread my legs?!

Madame Delacroix: Well, either way.

Penelope: No. Not either way. Only wings.

[moonyswarmsweaters]

James: Quick, Reggie give me your hairdryer

Regulus: My what? what are you talking about?

James: Don’t you carry one in your bag?

Regulus: Who does that!!?

James: Sirius do you carry a hairdryer in your bag?

Sirius: Of course, i am not an animal

[incorrectcanucks]

J.T. Miller: Rules are made to be broken.

Quinn Hughes: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken!

J.T. Miller: Uh, piñatas.

Brock Boeser: Glow sticks.

J.T. Miller: Karate boards.

Brock Boeser: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

[gardentool]

[Another Itadori training session]

Nanami: You couldn’t use Black Flash fast enough. You just killed Y/N.

Y/N: Honey…

Nanami: I can’t hear you, Y/N. You’re dead.

Nanami, to Yuji: They bled out in your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.

Yuji: We don't have to do this.

Nanami: Ah, Itadori, how are things going with Y/N, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?

Yuji: Okay, I get it.

Nanami: It's Y/N’s? This is devastating. I'm inconsolable. And…

[Nanami snaps his fingers]

Nanami: I’ve killed myself.

Yuji: Cool. I can see this is gonna be fun…

[incorrectstarwarsquotess]

Anakin: Obi-Wan is looking at us, act natural.

Padmé: Politics, politics.

Anakin: The Force, The Force.

Padmé: Republic, Republic.