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incorrectbatfam · 1 month ago
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[Wayne Enterprises Zoom call]
Bruce: Team, please come into the office at least once a year. Just check in. When we were fully remote, we found out that Tim had been working while he was locked up by the League of Assassins. I mean, his Wi-Fi was incredible.
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everwalldigan · 2 months ago
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(Bruce has been brainwashed. Again)
Tim: hey man, I think you got him
Dick, letting out all his pent up rage: YOU WANT WHAT HES HAVING??
Tim, backing away: nope
Dick: THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.
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gothamundernightlight · 7 months ago
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Incorrect Batfam Quotes
Bruce: Tim, do you want to explain what happened today?
Tim: I picked Damian up from school.
Bruce: And you gave a statement to the press?
Tim: No, a reporter just questioned me as I was leaving.
Bruce: And you said, quote “He’s my brother, I’m not stealing him.”
Bruce: And you followed it up with “If I was going to take one, it wouldn’t be this a**hole.”
Tim: I believe I did say that, yes.
Bruce: …I’m never asking you to do school pickup again.
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moonyswarmsweaters · 3 months ago
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Regulus: Hey, what do you think? Red Suit or black dress suit?
James: Oh I don’t , you’ll look handsome in whatever you decide
Regulus: oh well thank you, but I’m actually having a hard time deciding so I was hoping you could pick
James: either way you’re going to be the prettiest one at the party babe I love you so much
Regulus: Ok, no. I love you too and I know you think I’m beautiful and this isn’t a test. I just…
Regulus: Which suit would you prefer to see me in tonight?
James: I prefer you just the way you are
Regulus: Oh my go- Hey Barty! Red suit or black?!
Barty: Black. The red makes you look like a bitch!
Regulus: thank you!
Barty: any time!
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bruhseidon · 1 year ago
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[At Damian & Y/N’s wedding]
Alfred: I now pronounce you, husband and wi—
Jason, who is uninvited by Damian and is petty about it, so he decides to cause some chaos: HE CHEATED ON YOU!!
Damian, who has never once betrayed Y/N: WHO SAID THAT!?
Jason:
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Damian: Who said that? Who said that…?
Alfred: I now pronounce you, husband and—
Jason: HE SLEPT WITH YOUR SISTER!!
Damian: WHO SAID THAT!?!
Jason:
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Damian: WHO SAID THAT SH—
Alfred, speeding up: Inowpronounceyouhusban—
Jason: HIS HAIRLINE’S RECEDING!!
Damian, taking out his katana as he finally catches sight of Jason: [screaming]
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incorrectdccomicquotes · 7 months ago
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Red Hood: The first rule of gun safety is get the fuck out of my house.
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sleeplessdreamer14 · 6 months ago
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Bill: (trying to get Ford to take him back)
(Name): (picks Ford up like a sack of potatoes) Oops, got your man! Shoulda treated him right, now he with a real (redacted), he loves it over here!
Ford: Yeah, I love it over here!
(Name): You want him back? Too damn bad!
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walterfairholmes · 15 days ago
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[Ahsoka is recording a video in the hangar bay]
Rex: We are currently looking for some professional, no-nonsense troopers to join the 501st here on the Resolute.
[A mouse droid is chasing Fives and Echo down the hallway. It appears to have a knife taped to it.]
Rex: Our ship is a very professional work environment, filled with competent troopers who love to work hard and work together.
[The mouse droid runs over Dogma's foot. He promptly starts yelling at Fives while Echo tries to calm them down. A fight breaks out.]
Rex: Troopers must be efficient, quick-thinking individuals who will contribute to our serene, by-the-books work environment.
[Hardcase blows something up. Jesse uses the fire extinguisher.]
Rex: Give us a comm if you're interested in joining. Have a great day.
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delulu-with-wandanat · 8 months ago
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(how I imagine) Wanda doing the "Watch my gf" trend.
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Natasha, minding her own business whilst cleaning her gun in the common room. Wanda then enters the room with phone in front of her face.
Natasha: Hi, detka-
Wanda, setting down the phone: Hey guys, can you just watch my girlfriend for a sec, thanks.
Natasha:
Wanda, walks away:
Natasha looks back and forth at the phone and Wanda's disappearing figure.
Natasha: ...Wands, what's going on?
Wanda, from afar: I'll be right back, just watch my girlfriend!
Natasha: ???
Natasha, proceeds to clean her gun but awkwardly looking at the camera pointing at her.
Natasha, leaning forward: Is this recording?
Looks around awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Looks at gun in hand. Natasha, shows her gun like a beauty influencer showing a lipstick.
Natasha: This is a Glock 26, I take this on every mission. It's small but durable and-
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minimarvelh · 29 days ago
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Peter, through the radio: on 3 cut the gray wire, ok? 1..2..
Tony: wait, I don’t have a gray wire! I have red, green and yellow.
Peter, scratching his head: that’s weird. I have light gray, medium gray, dark gray.
Tony: you do?
Peter: fuck. my bad, I forgot I’m colour blind.
Tony: you’re WHAT?
Peter: doesn’t matter, just cut the middle one.
Tony, slightly panicking: it DOES MATTER! My middle one could be different. The wires are all twisted!!
Peter: on 3..1..2..
Tony, overly panicked: PETER, STOP
Peter: *rolling his eyes*
Tony: wait, I’m coming to you.
Tony, running to him: point to the wire you want me to cut.
Peter, showing him: this gray one right here.
Tony, heavily breathing: okay, by the way, it green, kiddo.
Peter: ohh.. which one is red?
Tony: the one in your left hand.
Peter: wait, which one is that? I’m also dyslexic.
Tony: how. did I. not know. THAT
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incorrectbatfam · 3 months ago
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Duke: I love these new WayneTech phones.
Jason: Take one.
Duke: What?
Jason: Take it home. I do it all the time. They have plenty, trust me.
Bruce, entering: Plenty of what?
Jason: Plenty of fish sticks in the cafeteria. He was asking if they're out.
Bruce: If they're all out, I'll tell you they're all out, alright?
Bruce: *leaves*
Duke: Jason, I'm not gonna steal from the company.
Jason: If you came over to my safehouse, you'd see my whole setup is Wayne Enterprises stuff. The electronics, the furniture, the salt and pepper shakers.
Duke: Are you serious?
Jason: Steph, do you ever take stuff home from here?
Stephanie: I take the gala champagne glasses home. Give 'em away as gifts. It's a perk.
Jason: It's like a monthly bonus.
Duke: It's stealing! Tim wouldn't do it.
Tim: Do what?
Duke: Take Wayne Enterprises stuff home.
Tim: No, but I do keep a bunch of clean coffee mugs in the trunk of my car and I bring them in every day for Bruce to check and then I put them back so I don't have to wash the dishes in the break room.
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everwalldigan · 5 months ago
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Random reporter: Mr Wayne, do you think men can get pregnant?
Bruce: uh, I am.
Reporter: *laughs* you are?
Bruce, offended: how about a congratulations instead of laughing at me?
Reporter, starting to get flustered: oh, um congratulations, I’m sorry… so how far along are you?
Bruce: two weeks.
Reporter: oh, uh… how did you know you were pregnant after two weeks?
Bruce: my stomach was growling more than usual, plus me and him had sex so that’s probably where it came from…*points towards Clark across the room*
Reporter: did you take a pregnancy test?
Bruce: uh, no?
Reporter: then how do you know for sure?
Bruce, smiling condescendingly: because I have a kid, I know how it feels like and it was like this. Where did you think Dick came from?
Reporter: But you took him in after his—
Bruce, putting his hand on the reporters shoulder, concerned: There are pictures everywhere of the day of his birth. Are you feeling well? You look a little pale, maybe you should take an early night…
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gothamundernightlight · 7 months ago
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Incorrect Batfam Quotes
*anytime Bruce has to socialize
Bruce: Unfortunately due to foreseen circumstances that were completely within my control, I will be late.
Reporter: And what were the circumstances?
Bruce: I didn’t want to go.
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jasonsthunderthighs · 2 months ago
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Roy: *Under his motorcycle fixin it* Can you hand me a 9mm?
Jason: *Opens bag and takes out a 9mm pistol, handin it to Roy*
Roy: *Takes it, lookin at the gun then back at Jason* I meant a ratchet.
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teddylobo · 2 months ago
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Incorrect Steddie 5/?
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incorrectclonewars · 11 months ago
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Maul: Skywalker has been groomed to become Sidious's new apprentice.
Ahsoka: Nu-uh.
Maul: The fuck you mean "Nu-uh"?!
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