#spin the wheel of cheese romance | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

softly-savage-mint-yoongi · 4 years

Photo

Saccharine

from An Adventurer’s Guide to Romance

Part 3 of the series collaboration between myself & @guardians-of-exo! Please go check out her blog! Her moodboards are *chef’s kiss* magnificent and this go around she has listened to all of my ramblings about Won Deuk Kyungsoo in 100 Days My Prince, which I binge watched in a week just to help me write this. If you haven’t seen it yet- go watch it. <3 Pairing: Kyungsoo x reader Rating: Fluff. Nothing too smutty or excessively graphic in this one, lads. Words: 7.2k

“Chanyeol, no,” you immediately protest, frowning at him from across the sparring field. He ducks your jab with the training sword, spinning behind you and using his momentum to make a swing for your exposed back. You bend your torso down and to the left, gracefully avoiding his hit. “Chanyeol, yes,”, he replies with a laugh. The mirth in his voice suits him. Here, in one of his favorite places. Sparring with you, his second-in-command and sisterly figure. Rolling your eyes at him, you continue your dance, “She’s a distraction.” You shake the sweat from your fingers, gripping the smoothed wood of your swords and settling into a defensive stance with both. He comes at you with a grin, smacking his wooden great sword down against your crossed ones over your head. He stares you down, “She’s exactly the focus I need, actually.” The Knight Captain believes he’ll overpower you like this, with his height and weight and giant sword bearing down against you. The expression he mocks you with is wiped off his face when you tilt just enough to the right to slide out from beneath his weight. He used too much trying to force you down; now losing his balance and catching the edge of your swords with the flat side of his just in time to avoid a strike. ______________________________________________________ The following morning after roll call you cannot find your commander anywhere in the barracks or the training yard. You were sure he was with the Prince and even walked up all of those stairs to his majesty’s tower. The guards let you pass easily, because, well, you well outrank any of them except for Chanyeol. You’re disappointed when a knock on the door reveals a sleepy Prince Baekhyun, rubbing the remnants of it from his eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry your majesty,” you say formally, bowing before him. He smiles through his haze at you, knowing behind closed doors those stiff formalities drop altogether. “I thought Knight Captain Chanyeol was with you.” He shakes his head and covers his mouth to yawn, “No, I haven’t seen him since late last night when I got in fr-“ he freezes, realizing where he is and who can hear him. Your eyes widen at him and your frame sags with relief just a little bit when he realizes the nonsense he’s speaking. “Sorry to disturb you, then. I’ll be off,” you bow once more, turning to hunt elsewhere for your leader. When you enter the Medical wards, the Head Physician tells you she hasn’t seen him, either. An hour later, he is found at last. In the kitchens, bothering the Head Chef and flirting with his new assistant while she tries to work. Work, like Chanyeol should be. “Knight Captain Chanyeol,” you say loudly, giving him a stern glare. “I have been looking all over this palace for you!” The Cook’s assistant, a pretty thing, looks between the both of you with wild eyes and a blush staining her cheeks, her fingers wrapped tightly around a whisk of cream in a bowl. The Head Cook himself is watching you silently from the spits, basting a row of pheasants over the fire. There’s just a hint of a smile at the corner of his plush mouth. Chanyeol looks at you with a frown, “I was with Baekhyun!” You sneer at him, pointing a finger at his chest in triumph, “Oh you big fat liar! I just walked all the way up there and heard from him myself that he hasn’t seen you! He was still asleep.” Chanyeol whines lowly, raising to fist the side of his own head, “Ah, shit.” “Come on,” you urge. “I apologize he keeps bothering you, Master Cook,” you comment, bowing slightly before you grab the tall man by the black fabric against his back and drag him from the room. ___________________________________________ That evening, in the comfort of your best friend’s room, you’re sipping wine and slowly picking apart a wheel of cheese between you. “He keeps going to the kitchens and flirting with the new assistant. I don’t think that’s all, either.” The Lady of the Palace smiles at you, “Oh come on now, let him have his fun.” You give her an incredulous stare, “Absolutely not. We have a code of conduct to uphold and a war to fight and he’s going to get into trouble.” “It’s not a war, don’t be so dramatic. Relax a little, I know you’re worried about him but he’s also working really hard. We all are,” she says calmly. Bringing her own cup to her lips briefly, she drinks before continuing, “I’ve seen him in the training yard in the middle of the night several nights in a row.” “Yeah,” you agree. “Because he’s waiting for our troublesome Prince to come clambering back over the walls.” She nods in understanding. There are a select few of you in the palace who know about Prince Baekhyun and his personal mission to save his own people from poverty and famine brought by the Draugers. As they slowly began to run people out of their homes in the lower parts of the kingdom and farms were beginning to be overrun with the undead at night, he took it personally and his father, the King, has his hands tied in the dilemma. The power-hungry Lords in the upper parts of the city, and even some of the working-class citizens, are taking unfair advantage of the homeless farmers and their families moving into the safety of the inner city’s walls. Baekhyun- watchful, observant and daring Baekhyun, who is fair and just and will someday make a great King, takes it upon himself to save them. He watches, or has ears and eyes in the city to watch and listen for him. He knows who is in need and who is not. Having grown up a skilled fighter and a professional at sneaking in and out of the palace since he could walk, he’s been using his skills to make right ever since. His mysterious heroism just started a few weeks ago. It’s a secret you will all take to your graves unless he tells you otherwise. “Anyway,” she says. “I don’t think you should be too hard on him as long as he is doing his job.” You sigh, considering her opinion, “I suppose. But I don’t like that he’s distracting someone else from their work.” She shrugs, “Does Kyungsoo seem bothered by it?” You chew your lip, “I don’t think so. But you know Kyungsoo. He doesn’t get bothered by much, or at least doesn’t speak up about it.” Smiling, you remember his reaction earlier this morning. “He looked to think it was funny that I scolded Chanyeol this morning.” The Lady of the Palace leans forward in her chair, “Oh? How so?” “He smiled at me,” you answer. She sets her goblet on the table between you, “He smiled at you?” “Yes?” you say, tone uncertain now that she’s questioning it. “I’ve never seen him smile at anyone other than Chanyeol,” she surmises, her delicate brows knitting together. She stares blankly at the cheese while she tries to remember a time she may have seen him with that expression. ___________________________________________________ Today, as is becoming a regular annoyance, Chanyeol disappears after roll call in the barracks, leaving you to separate a pair of green soldiers fighting over the last link of sausage at the table. It's still early for the rest of the palace, but you have an inkling he’s in the kitchens again. When you enter with lungs full of hot air to unleash upon him, the monstrous Knight Captain is nowhere to be found. Instead, you’re greeted by the Head Cook himself stirring a pot. The scent of its contents hit your nose and you smile in greeting, “That smells delicious.” Kyungsoo lifts his head at the sound of your voice as if he were expecting someone else. “Would you like to try some? It’s a new recipe and I’m not sure about it,” he says after hesitating for a moment, with eyes flitting across the room until they settle upon your face. Immediately his voice strikes you in an odd way. Its deep and soft tenor equally compare to the scent coming from the pot. You think both are quite lovely. It’s not that you’ve never heard him speak, but you’ve not heard much from his voice other than simple pleasantries or reprimanding words for Chanyeol. You’re shocked and admittedly a little flustered that he so casually offered his spoon to you. His eyes are sincere as he watches you. The spoon is frozen midair- lifted with a bite crested in the shallow pit and waiting. Some of it drips back into the batch below, and you cough. “Ah, no thank you. I’ve already eaten and don’t want to spoil my stomach,” you explain shyly. His eyes fall back to his task immediately. His thick brows furrow as he concentrates on stirring. “Is there something I can help you with then, Lieutenant?” he asks without looking up. Realizing you’d been standing there watching him, you smooth your palms down the front of your tasset, “Oh, right. I was hoping to find the Knight Captain here. Not that I was hoping he was bothering you but I thought maybe this would be a good place to start looking since he disappeared after roll call.” Kyungsoo turns to you and lets his eyes flick to your face again briefly. The faintest smirk is tucked into the corner of his plush lips, “He was here, but he left to help Kennel Master Sehun carry two sacks of bones down to the dogs.” “Good,” you state. When Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything further you feel embarrassed all over again, “Not good that he was here bothering you but good that he’s not being a pest, I mean.” The Head Cook laughs. He smiles fully, making a whispered sound of joy at your awkward floundering, “It’s okay, you don’t have to keep explaining.” You barely understand what he says to you. You’re much too caught up in how nice his full smile is. The way his cheeks rise to make his eyes crinkle and his lips split into a heart shape that shows his teeth. “Right then,” you gasp, blinking twice. On the walk down to the kennels, your brain wonders about Kyungsoo and how unlike him it is to talk or smile. You wonder if perhaps he has always been that way but you never had the chance to see it. Now that you recall, there was always someone else holding everyone’s attention with a story or a joke. Perhaps this color on him looks so nice that you want to explore it. Now that your commander has reason to go to the kitchens constantly, it mean that you also now have a reason to frequent them in chase of him. To yourself, you admit that maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if it means you get to see Kyungsoo smile more. __________________________________________________ Two days later you’re awoken by a loud clanging from outside your chamber in the middle of the night. You jolt upright, immediately swinging open your door to investigate, but there isn’t a soul in the corridor or outside when you peek into the training yard. Quietly, you open doors to look into the two rooms immediately beside yours, but there is nobody other than heavily sleeping soldiers in bunks. The moment your fingertips brush the iron ring of your own door handle, the faint sound of feet hitting the stone makes your head turn sharply to squint into the darkness. The footfalls are heavy and flat, easily distinguished to know the person is barefoot. The figure passes by one of the windows looking into the training yard, and the blue moonlight gives you a flash of shaggy silver hair and a sharp jaw. A preview of the naked, broad shoulders that come to stop in front of you. “Why are you standing out here?” Chanyeol asks. His voice is not yet roughened from sleep, and even the moon does him no favors to hide the circles beneath his eyes tonight. You look behind you once. “A loud noise woke me up,” you explain. He nods, turning his lips into a deep line that puts dimples in his cheeks. “Sorry about that. I stepped into a bucket,” he sighs. Then adds, “I’m glad you’re awake though. I’ve got orders for you.” _________________________________________________ While you didn’t sleep well, you manage to make it through roll call without taking anyone’s metaphorical heads, and your brotherly Knight Captain was surprisingly present. In six days you’re leaving for a mission, orders directly from the King himself. According to what your commander told you, there’s an Apothecary coming to town to assist in healing those in need from the Draugers. With something as valuable as medical supplies and another set of healing hands, there’s worry it could be dangerous, so he wants the Apothecary well-guarded. During lunch, you catch the scent of something familiar. At the sight of the soup in your bowl, you realize it’s the new recipe Kyungsoo had asked you if you’d like to try earlier in the week. Smiling, you lift the first bite to your lips. From the taste and texture, you consider the broth has a heavier flavor. Something smoked and savory, soaking well into the chunks of potato throughout. There is just a little too much black pepper for your preference, but it does not take away from the dish overall. Still curious at the meals end, you find yourself walking into the kitchens. The Head Cook is balancing a ladle on the edge of a table when you enter. He looks up and gives you a small smile. “Did you eat well?” he asks calmly. You grin at him in return, “Are you awaiting my review of your not-so-sure soup?” You both laugh at the name you’ve given it, but Kyungsoo says nothing else. “It was very good. A little too much pepper for me personally, but that doesn’t really make or break it. What did you put in it to make that deep flavor though? Surely there were no heavy meats in my bowl,” you wonder aloud, leaning to rest your bum against the side of the large stone fireplace. Kyungsoo smirks, crossing in front of you to collect a jar from the shelf hanging above the largest work table in the center of the room. He unties the lid and comes back to you, stepping close to hold the jar beneath your nose. His wide eyes don’t miss anything as they watch you inhale the scent with closed eyes. “Yes, that’s it,” you clarify, eyes popping open brightly. The Head Cook smiles, “It’s a secret.” Your mouth drops into a pouted frown, “Oh.” His lips split into that full smile again, and it makes your breath catch. “I’ll tell you on one condition,” he whispers. You perk up again, looking around the wide expanse of the empty room. “I need an honest opinion of new recipes,” he says quietly. Those big brown eyes of his are still staring into you innocently, and it is a gaze you feel comfort in. Confused, you ask, “Why not Chanyeol?” to which Kyungsoo scoffs. “There are a multitude of reasons why,” he quips, and you can’t help but agree and laugh when you think about it. “Deal,” you comply happily, taking his hand in yours and forcing him to shake. “Beef drippings,” Kyungsoo divulges immediately. It takes you a moment to realize what he’s talking about. “Oh. I wouldn’t have thought of that,” you answer, knitting your brows and considering the taste. After a moment of silence, Kyungsoo clears his throat, “That tickles. May I have my hand back, please?” Shocked, you realize you’d never let go of his hand, idling running your fingers around the callouses on his palm while you thought about the not-so-sure soup. You drop it as if it had burned you, rising to your feet in embarrassment and excusing yourself too quickly from the room. ______________________________________________ The following day you eat with the rest of your squad in the mess hall. Your plate differs from the rest of the soldiers dining. One of them leans over when you sit, his chin flicking toward your plate of greens, fruits and nuts. He asks, “You on a diet or something, Lieutenant?” You laugh loudly at his remark, waving a hand in front of your face, “Yes! Yes, I am. That’s why it’s different!”

He grunts, leaning back to his own plate of light meats and sops. The colorful assortment of food on your plate doesn’t gain any further attention as you pour the wine-colored vinaigrette over the greens and assess the flavors as you chew the first bite. You feel a sense of push and pull between wanting to eat quickly so you can meet with Kyungsoo about this food and watch him light up with your praise, and wanting to savor every bite slowly to truly examine the taste. __________________________________________ Two days later you enter the kitchens with a brief knock. The aroma of honeyed glaze fills your lungs, exhaling with a delighted sigh. There’s an excitement in your step as your eyes look for Kyungsoo, stopping short when they land on his assistant standing in front of you. She looks bewildered by your presence and a little confused, turning to the Head Cook. “Ah, I’m sorry,” you begin. “I was looking for Knight Captain Chanyeol. I thought he might be here begging for food-“ you explain too quickly. Kyungsoo moves away from the hot kettles, wiping his brow as he grins at you, knowing very well that you know precisely where he is, and that couldn’t possibly be the reason you’re here. He pats his assistant on the shoulder warmly. “Good day, Lieutenant. Thankfully, he hasn’t,” he says calmly, pausing to add. “But I’m sure he’ll show up later.” The question lacing his statement is one that cracks a smile on your own face, earning him the dusty rose that rises to your cheeks. Suddenly, the assistant murmurs a curse and rushes to a kettle as its contents try to boil over the sides. Her action breaks the bit of unspoken words between you and the handsome Head Cook quickly. You pat your tasset down against your thighs with a smile, “Right. I’ll take my leave then. I’m sorry I disturbed your work, Master Cook.” You’re sure to smile warmly at his assistant as well before you turn to leave the room completely. An hour later you return to the kitchens as nonchalantly as possible, first peeking through the crack in the door to make sure Kyungsoo is alone. There’s a voice singing softly coming from the room, and you stop to listen when you realize it’s the Cook himself. You watch the hard plane of his back as he works, bent over the pork he was roasting in honeyed glaze earlier, singing the ballads of Red Run Keep and the Age of Oppression. His voice is soothing to your ears, more pleasant than the scent of the honey glazed meat he slices evenly and plates for Supper tonight. You enter the room as quietly as possible, sneaking in to lean back against the edge of a table along the wall while you listen. He turns around not long after you’ve settled, remaining calm rather than jumping like you would expect. His eyes lift from his work to your frame. “Is there something you needed, Lieutenant?” he asks. You laugh, “Yes, actually.” “Good. I hope you’re not trying to be a distraction just like your commander,” he jests, but it makes you freeze, feeling like you’ve been struck, and a little self-conscious regardless of the joke. Your smile falls from your lips a fraction, and Kyungsoo’s eyes don’t miss the way you wilt. “I was joking. I enjoy your company, no matter the reason,” he states clearly while he busies himself washing and drying his hands. “I have a mission,” you get to the point. He slows his movements, thick brows knitting together as he dries the last of the water from his hands with the rag tied to his smock. “I leave in two days.” “Can I ask what for?” he inquires, coming to stand beside you, leaning against the same table. You nod, “The King has hired a new Apothecary to help with the wounded. I’m leading a squad to fetch him and bring him here safely.” Kyungsoo nods, “He doesn’t want Chanyeol to go?” With a sigh, you confirm, “We all know Chanyeol’s main focus in the Prince. He can’t go and leave Baekhyun unguarded. Do you doubt my abilities, Master Cook?” His innocent gaze whips to your face immediately, full of surprise. Your eyes pierce through his gaze as if they were your swords themselves. “No, not at all. I’ve heard the stories. I know you’re more than capable,” he assures you. You squint at him, discerning the color of blush tinting his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Good,” you surmise with an air of absolute finality. Kyungsoo seems to notice the tension in your posture and the way your attitude shifts to one of authority. “What do you need from me?” he asks politely, standing to his full height again. You bring a finger to tap against your lips twice, “I wanted to let you know. I hope you can wait a few days to make any new recipes.” You feel a little sullen, still self-conscious about whether or not the handsome man was really telling a joke. Kyungsoo folds his arms across his chest, bringing one hand to wipe at his chin thoughtfully, “I suppose I can wait. I appreciate you letting me know.” ________________________________________________ “I can’t believe he said such a thing,” says the Lady of the Palace. She twirls a goblet of wine between her fingers, gently swirling its contents with her wrist. You tear off a bite of crusted bread with your teeth from the piece in your hand, “It is what it is.” She sets her cup down, clapping her hands excitedly as she sits up straight and fixes you with a devilish smirk, “I know! You should go on a date with Sehun!” You choke on the dry crumbs of bread in your mouth, gasping briefly in shock. “What are you on about? Why would I do that?” you sputter, taking a full swallow of wine from your cup. You wince from the sour bitterness as it slides down your throat. The Lady of the Palace laughs cheerfully, “Oh, come on, Y/N! He thinks you’re amazing. Especially how well you handle a sword! If Kyungsoo likes you the same way you like him, it should make him jealous.” She wiggles her perfectly manicured brows at you. Sinking further in the velvet chair, you shake your head with a scowl, “No. It’s a waste of time. I’m not interested in the Kennel Master like that.” “But Sehun-“ she tries, pouting at you from under her lashes as she sips at the wine in her glass. “I said no. Chanyeol is bad enough with his lovestruck puppy eyes. I don’t want to be compared to that any more than I already have been,” you warn. She clicks her tongue at you, “You’re right, okay? I get it. But it’s, ah… how to put this?” She considers, breaking a chunk of bread from the loaf between you. “Those feelings won’t go away so easily. It’s better not to resist them.” You deadpan, staring at her like there’s an extra head sprouting from her shoulders. She smiles at the bread, toying with it in her hand softly before she pops it into her mouth. When she swallows, she looks at you again, “That’s why you should go out with Sehun.” You groan aloud, “You’re insatiable.” “No, I just think it would be fun to double date with Junmyeon and I,” she clarifies with her strong air of dignity. “Fun isn’t something you normally have time for,” you comment with as much snark as you can muster. She smiles, tilting her head to one side briefly, “Correction- fun isn’t something I thought I had time for. Now that I’m having it, I can definitely see how much I actually needed it, and I for one am quite confident I can manage my duties and my romance, thank you.” She clears her throat, sitting up a little straighter. You roll your eyes dramatically at her, “I’ll admit he’s handsome, is that what you wanted?” Her lips stretch into a menacing smile, and it scares you a little how unlike her it looks across her face. “It’s a start. Now I only must get you to agree to a date with him,” she tells you honestly. You laugh at her boldness. She’s always been a terrifyingly smart tactician. She must be, to be the Lady of the Palace, and she runs the place with a kind but firm fist. You smile fondly at her because she’s your friend and you enjoy the relationship you two have as the most influential women in the palace. With her mind and knowledge of how to run a kingdom and your and power and leadership in war, you make a powerful combination. _________________________________________________ Uncertain whether it was the wine or your scuffed pride you ultimately, reluctantly, agreed to go on one outing- not a date- with the Kennel Master of the palace, along with your friend and her lover. In this moment, two evenings later, you feel strange as you walk back to the palace in silence. Two pairs of boots in unmatched pace walking along the wet road beneath the lamplight. It is hot and muggy and the dress you’re wearing is irritatingly itchy. Of course your dear, lovely, well-mannered and closest friend decided to go back to the Bakery with Junmyeon when you mentioned the hour and that you were leaving for a mission in the morning. Kindly, Sehun had agreed to walk you back. It is with a sigh of relief that the palace walls come into view. You cross under the iron gate in silence, turning to acknowledge the man giving you six feet of space. “Look, Sehun,” you begin with your best smile. He removes one of his hands from the pockets of his trousers, holding the palm flat up and smiling so hard that his eyes crinkle into half-moons and his cheeks dimple, “It’s okay, Y/N.” He laughs after, rubbing the same hand against the back of his neck and looking toward the ground. His hair is slicked back from his forehead, a style that compliments his features. “You’re very handsome, but I’m sorry, I don’t think I feel that way about you,” you apologize, feeling awkward. He laughs again, and the sound of it makes you feel a little better, “Yeah, I mean, I think you’re really amazing, but I agree. I think we’d be better as friends.” The weight and sticky feeling of the tension dissipates immediately after he says it. “I am happy with friends,” you say. “Half of this is Junmyeon’s fault anyway,” he laughs some more. “Always fussing at me about wanting grandchildren soon.” You laugh with him, aghast at his best friend’s antics. “The Lady pushed me into it, too,” you nod with a smile. “I’m glad we can agree they’re both terrible friends to have.” He looks at your face genuinely, “Guess we’re just going to have to be better friends to each other than they are to us, then, hm?” He steps closer to you to whisper the words, sticking out his pinky to link with yours. Craning your neck up to his face and then back down to his hand, you twist your own small digit around his, shaking them firmly with a small giggle. “Goodnight, Y/N,” he quietly comments, stepping back. You move toward the steps of the palace, sending him the same well wishes for a good night with a wave. He gives you a friendly one in return as he turns and enters the Kennel House. ________________________________________________ Yawning, you reach for your canteen, frowning while you drink sparingly from the bladder of it. You’ve ridden North for nearly twelve hours. Your thighs remind you achingly that the short break you took half way through was not nearly long enough. The map you checked twenty minutes ago told you another two kilometers would put you where you need to be, in a tiny settlement in the Sweetwoods. Although you’ve never seen it with your own eyes, you’ve been told such a name fits the landscape, in a forest surrounded by good soil full of sweet smelling wildflowers. As long as you reach it and make camp before nightfall you won’t be as worried. Nothing a full stomach and a few slim hours of sleep can’t fix for you. You’ve certainly fought and survived on worse. Lost in your thoughts, you don’t realize as the sun begins to glow deeper shades of ruby and kiss the horizon. When you notice, it’s because a heavy log gate comes into view, crested between two greater beams that end and begin the sentry walls surrounding the Sweetwoods settlement. Smiling up at the men along the ramparts, you pass through the gates, leading your troop into the small town. There aren’t many buildings or people around, but the working-class people give you odd looks as you go. Sometimes you wonder if it’s because of the troop at large, or if it’s just you in particular. Being a woman in a militant leadership role is not common practice in many places. Raising a hand, you slow everyone to a halt in front of a two story building with a golden ram’s head sign hanging from the banister of the second level. Dismounting your horse, you know this is the right place. The creaking of the door hinges is almost hidden by the sound of the bell chiming upon your entrance. “I’ll be right out!” calls a voice. You note the crates and barrels and packages wrapped in fabrics and chord in the center of the room. The barren shelves and cabinets confirm this is the right place. “Ah,” the voice projects, pulling your gaze to the left. “You must be here to fetch me.” A young man stands in the doorway to a small room off the side of the main space, one arm lifting the curtain draped across the threshold as he enters. He pushes his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose and stops in front of you with an outstretched hand. Shaking it, you smile a tad brighter, “Yes, sir. My name is Lieutenant Y/N. I’m here to ensure you and your things make the journey safely.” He nods in understanding, “Wonderful. What is the plan, Lieutenant?” Getting straight to business, you brief him kindly, “Rest tonight. We’ve ridden a whole day’s ride. The soldiers and horses are tired and hungry. We’ll load up your supplies tonight after supper, and head out at dawn.” Smiling, he gestures to the back wall, “There’s space to make camp just around back in the yard. It’s a little small, I hope you won’t mind.” Shaking your head, you agree to his offer, “I’m sure it will do just fine, thank you.” Ten minutes later, you’re hissing as your thighs protest to your position when you finally settle on the ground behind the shop. You ensured the horses were turned out in the grass and your soldiers were settling in for a well-earned supper before you sat down. Someone has started a new fire with the half-burned logs in the pit. Opening your pack, you notice a small bag that hadn’t been there when you’d packed it before passing it off to the stable keep to put on your horse, Fox. With furrowed brows, you inspect it’s contents. There’s a small bit of folded parchment and two delicious looking apples inside the small canvas pouch. There are words scribbled neatly on the parchment. ‘These are Spring Dragon apples. Rare, beautiful and delicious… Please eat well and come back safely. -K.’ Blushing, you shove the note back into your pack and whip your head up wildly out of embarrassment. Someone could have seen! Not only that, but your rising feelings for the sender of this gift pull at your heartstrings. The blow your pride had taken from him forgotten in the wake of his gesture. You remove one from the sack, cradling it in your palm as you watch the fire’s glow glint off the shining skin. Smiling, the first bite is taken gently, with your breath held in your lungs. There’s a refreshing flow of juice into your mouth and the satisfying crack of fruit as it breaks off from the body of the apple. Kyungsoo is right, it is the best apple you’ve ever tasted. The texture, flavor, consistency, all perfect scores as it melts in your mouth with a happy hum. The treat disappears from your fingers all too quickly, leaving you to swipe your tongue across your lips repeatedly to taste the addicting sweetness. ____________________________________________ “If I’m not allowed to leave the bed who is supposed to make sure this buffoon stays out of trouble?” you complain loudly. “Hey!” comes Chanyeol offended cry. Even though he wants to, you know he won’t drop you in retaliation of your comment, clutching you to his side as he helps you walk to a bed in the Medical Ward of the palace. The Head Physician pats the linens of the bed she wants you to sit on, “Relax, it’s just for a few days until the bones begin to set. Better than being gone forever, right?” She smiles softly at you, taking an arm to help the Knight Captain lower you comfortably onto the bed. Scowling, you let her get to work wrapping the bruised and painful flesh as gently as she can. Chanyeol stands back, watching her work with his arms crossed over his broad chest. “I’ll get your stirrups adjusted while you’re in here,” Chanyeol mutters without looking at you. His eyes remain unblinking at your leg- a look you know means he’s very much in his thoughts. “Chanyeol it’s fine, don’t worry about-“ you protest quietly. “Absolutely not,” he commands. “I’m not going to risk your leg getting caught again. This could have been so much worse. What if Fox didn’t just spook, hm? What if he threw you off and then dragged you for who knows how long?” “War horses are trained not to do that. I’d have been fi-“ you wave at him nonchalantly, but the flare of his anger makes you flinch. There’s a reason he’s compared to both fire and a monster. “That horse is lucky,” he growls. Frowning, you reach for him and squeeze his forearm when the pain gets a little too intense, wincing. “Please leave Fox alone. It’s not his fault,” you groan. Your commander makes a disapproving clicking sound with his teeth, scoffing at you, “You’re going to be the death of me, you know that, woman?” At least his eyes finally find yours. “Don’t you take that tone with me,” you snap back at him playfully. Just like that you start bickering with him, forgetting about the pain in your leg until the Head Physician stands and sighs, brushing her hands off on her apron. “That’ll do you well for now. Please, Y/N, stay put, yeah?” she asks with a small smile. “I’ll make sure someone brings her something to eat,” Chanyeol comments, turning to leave the room with a nod. His disappears beyond the white curtain draped between your bed and the next. “Just for three days, until the bones start setting. Then we’ll change it and get you set up for light duty only,” she warns you, holding up her index finger between you. Waving dismissively, you shimmy yourself further up the bed and twist, smacking the flat pillow loudly with a sigh, “Fine, yes, yes.” She pauses, narrowing her eyes at you as she considers if you will behave. After a breath, she leaves. Minutes pass in the quiet warmth of the Ward, listening to the quiet groans of other sick and wounded people lying behind curtains in the wide room. Eventually, the door opens and footsteps are heard evenly across the floorboards. Waiting patiently, you’re surprised to see the separation reveal Kyungsoo. He has a plate held between his hands, smiling at you. He shakes his head gently and clicks his tongue at you, “I thought I asked you to come back safely. What part of that meant you should get thrown from your horse?” You grin, raising a hand and wanting to smack him. You don’t, lest he spill all of the food you assume he brought for you. He grins back at you, pulling a stool close to the side of the bed. “Are you hungry?” he asks quietly, balancing the plate on the edge. You try your best to scoot closer to the far side, giving him space to rest the plate beside you. “I am, thank you,” you confirm. He tries not to watch you eat, silently waiting for you to finish the meal. “It’s nothing new this time, sorry,” he apologizes quietly. His hands fidget in his lap as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. “No, this is great,” you assure, raising the last forkful to your lips. Kyungsoo clears his throat, “Can I ask you something?” Blinking at him, you’re a little confused, acquiescing, “What is it?” He turns to face you fully with a hard and thoughtful expression on his face, “Are you and the Kennel Master… seeing each other?” You don’t mean to laugh, but the unexpected question doesn’t give you time to think about your answer as you burst forth in laughter. Kyungsoo only looks at you with wide, confused eyes. “Heavens, no!” you shake your head. “I mean our friends tried to make us date but we’re just friends,” you clarify.

“But he thinks you’re amazing and I thought I saw you with him and-“ the man in front of you questions, clearly befuddled.

You wave your hands in front of you, “Yeah but we both agreed we’re just better as friends. I don’t feel that way about him.”

Kyungsoo’s brows furrow deeper, and his eyes focus on the linens of your bed momentarily before he asks instead, “Is there someone you

feel that way about?”

His bold curiosity heats your cheeks and you find yourself unable to speak. Rather, you nod lowly and stare at the last item of food on the plate, an apple. With shining skin, all of the shades between red and gold seemingly painted on with a brush, it is unmistakably the same as the ones he gave you for the mission you just came from.

“Spring Dragon…” you whisper between you, taking the fruit between your fingers and twirling it around to admire how pretty it looks.

Kyungsoo smiles at you, “Did you like them?”

Your eyes light up at his question. “Yes, they’re perfect! Thank you so much for sending them with me. It was a nice surprise,” you praise, pressing your lips to the skin just before you take the first bite.

You practically moan at the taste, choosing to sigh wistfully at the pleasure it brings.

The man beside you chuckles, “Is it really that good?”

Fixing him a stare with one brow turned up, you confirm, “Of course!” adding sarcastically, “Have you never eaten one of these?”

To your shock, he shakes his head, “No, actually I haven’t.”

Gaping at him, you flounder for words, feeling embarrassed and shameful that you’re enjoying his gift like this, “Why not?!” You place the apple back on the plate.

“They’re rare. I don’t have any more,” he comments matter-of-factly.

Curiously, you need to know, “You gave them all to me?”

He nods with a small smile tucked into the corner of his plush lips.

“Please have a taste,” you tell him, looking back down to the apple resting between you. You reach for it, intent on giving it to him, but his fingers circle your wrist to stop you.

When you raise your head to look at him, you’re met with a kiss. One that is unexpected but pleasant and sweet. Kyungsoo moves his lips against yours slowly, truly sampling the flavor of them before pulling away.

You do nothing more than stare at him in shock as he settles back on the stool. There’s a self-satisfied smile gracing those lips that were just pressed deliciously against yours.

“Very sweet,” he surmises gently.

Your fidget with your fingers in your lap, “Why?”

He laughs quietly at your expression and your heart thunders in your ears at how wonderful this image of him makes you feel. “You asked me to have a taste,” he says simply.

Suddenly your heart feels so light it makes it hard to breathe. You need to feel it wildly beating against your sternum, so you do the one thing you know will make it do what you need.

Reaching out, you pull Kyungsoo by the front of his tunic back to you. You plant your lips directly on his, feeling him smile against your mouth as his hand finds your neck.

____________________________________________

It isn’t until two weeks later that Chanyeol finally mentions anything about you and the Head Cook, Kyungsoo. He’s seen you two or three times in the kitchens when he’s come to beg for snacks or see if his own lover is present, but you’ve always been a respectable distance away from Kyungsoo’s grasp.

You suppose it’s easy to break apart from the nectar of his lips when you hear those heavy footfalls and clinking armor growing closer, but that’s not something you’re going to point out to your Knight Captain, either.

“That looks delicious… why did you get something different?” he groans beside you, frowning at his own plate of equally delicious food. It just looks different.

You laugh at him, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Feigning ignorance, you take a mouthful with closed eyes and a quiet hum of happiness, half way finished already.

When you open them again, Chanyeol is still staring at you, but his fork stabs around the contents on his plate, “No fair… Kyungsoo is playing favorites.”

Although you still have to look up to see his face, you do your best to stick your nose up at him. “Perhaps it is merely thanks for not coming and distracting his assistant every waking hour of the day,” you comment smugly.

He gapes, resting a heavy elbow on the table and motioning towards the kitchens with his now empty fork and a cheek stuffed with food, “You’re worse! You go and distract the Master himself!”

Swallowing your last bite, you lean in close to whisper, “Oh I do a lot more than distract him, Knight Captain.”

You don’t turn around to see the shocked expression on his face when you excuse yourself from the table immediately after, wearing a saccharine smile. All you can tell is that he doesn’t move for a very long time.

133 notes · View notes

onelastbreath-writes · 4 years

Text

I’ll Meet You There (Part 3)

Pairing: Marcus Moreno/ Wife!Reader (AFAB, no y/n)

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Talks about loss of spouse, loss of child, medical conditions/inaccuracies, grief/mourning, manipulation/brainwashing (subtext/implied, but we’ll get into it later *winkwink*)

Tags: Hurt/No comfort (for now), ANGST, eventual happy ending, one really sad man for whom I just keep making things worse, #sorrynotsorry, and now I’m just making stuff up as I go along

Summary(lite): You are Marcus’s wife, and you’re definitely not dead. No one is having a great time right now, but like hell if there's a force on this earth that’ll keep you apart forever. This is not a goodbye, its just a see you later. And the interim is going to be everyone else’s problem, you’ll make sure of it.

A/N: Hello dears, welcome back to my twisted mind story,,, guess who showed up like 2 weeks late with a smoothie! So things about this new chapter: I am a criminal with italics and someone needs to stop me, hello switching scenes and perspectives because I just want to fast forward to the good stuff but y’all don’t live in my head and don’t know all the stuff that happens to get us there so here we are taking the slow lane, and I keep brainstorming new and horrible things for my characters because I am A Lot, All The Time, and will not be stopped. Also hey, Marcus the Simp is here for you, so much. I hope this is acceptable to be a reader fic still, because I am giving you some serious personality traits... ehh, it is what it is. Tell me if you spot any of my various references, there’s a lot of ‘em. Thanks to everyone who has liked/reblogged/commented, y’all are gorgeous and I’m so grateful for the love <3 Drop me a message/ask if you want a secret about one of the characters (specify which one), I need an outlet for my endless b.t.s. plotting >;) Please enjoy p3!

AO3|Masterlist

[Previous Part]

---

There were more casseroles in his fridge that Marcus knew what to do with, and more sympathy and “thinking of you” cards stacked in piles around the house than he could count. He appreciated everyone’s gestures, but he could recognize the difference between people who were kind in the interest of helping others, and those who were kind only to help themselves. It was quite obvious which type were flooding his mailbox.

Hell, most of the people sending him cards, his fans, didn’t even know his wife, never spoke to her, didn’t feel the empty Her-shaped-space in their very souls. They just wanted the clout, the prestige, of being ‘involved’ and sympathetic to a grieving superhero. It was exhausting, but no one seemed to empathize with him on that.

The Heroics upper management, and the director specifically after his press conference and the publicity the attack had brought the organization, had insisted on Marcus taking an undetermined amount of leave from the team so he could “process and mourn his loss in the comfort of his own home.” Like he didn’t look around and see every piece of himself and his wife over the years; the Home they built for their family, filled with all the hopes and dreams of two starry eyed lovers ready to take on the world together. Like her absence wasn’t slowly killing him.

And it wasn’t like she was gone gone.

Dead.

She wasn’t dead.

No way in Hell.

Whether it was because she worked with superpowered people, her experience as a medical professional, or if she was just more paranoid than most, his wife was a planner, and she was prepared for this. “In the event of my death...," like she just knew it would be necessary.

Truthfully, she had schemes and contingencies and all manner of reactionary plans prepared for if (and when) the worst happened; terrified to be blindsided or caught unaware, unable to help those she would have been able to, if only if she had the time to think. Unpreparedness costs lives in both of their careers, and she refused to leave anything up to chance if possible. And so, she’d plan, and he’d listen.

All throughout their relationship, from before they’d even gotten serious enough to discuss marriage, to when they heard their unborn child’s heartbeat for the first time, and just on random weekday afternoons when they would take Missy for walks around the neighbourhood to show her the beauty in their lives, his wife would paint her theories and ideas like artwork. She’d tell him a story, full of action and mystery, humour and theatrics, tragic romance and harrowing adventure; she could spin a tale like she had a silver tongue, but she never lost herself in her own narratives. In the end, they were messages, lessons, for him to remember when everything was going wrong.

“It’s all about momentum, babe. Bleeding off energy and taking a bad hit instead of a fatal hit. You can’t just full stop; you’d absorb all the kinetic energy, and the resulting trauma will turn all your squishy internals into, like, body soup, which is just super unpleasant. And of course, head is always number one priority. Bracing for impact works better at giving you fewer serious injuries, especially for your neck and head. Muscles should absorb as much of the energy as possible, instead of letting it fall to your ligaments, discs, and nerves to take the force. So, tense up and roll in the case of a low air evacuation.”

Low air evac... she was concerned he was going to have to jump from an aircraft without a parachute at some point in his life. Which was probably accurate he’d admit, but still, he wasn’t hoping to actually need that plan.

Thankfully, it wasn’t always fire and brimstone with her, and she had many strange and terrible schemes to keep the common, everyday superhero family on their toes. Always carry at least two lip balms... never tell someone you don’t have plans for the evening... don’t smile in your mugshot... no clowns. Ever.

She was so weird, a total nerd, and so completely the girl of his dreams.

He loved teasing her about her unending train of thought, the brain that never sleeps, how she’d go on tangents while on tangents but always circle back around; even nicknamed her (quite cheekily, and because it made them both laugh) Doctor Batman, which was usually saved for when she was being particularly dramatic and gloomy. Turn the supercomputer off for a second, Bats, come see what Missy’s doing!

He was her anchor, always ready to pull her back to earth when she started drifting off too far from them, but he never asked and never wanted her to change. He adored her, silly or serious, or when she woke him up in the middle of the night to make him promise that he’d never get their kid(s) a pet owl (because they’re “scary”, and “our kids would be too powerful, Marcus. Promise me!”), or that in the event of them inviting a third to their bed, it would “absolutely never, ever, ever be Miracle. No way!”

He thought it was quite entertaining most of the time, listening to her plan for zombies and old gods and what to do if everyone just started hating cheese one day, but if it was all so important to her: having him remember this or agree to that, he’d accede to her requests in a heartbeat. Most of it was cute, harmless stuff he didn’t think would even happen, but sometimes she would hit him with serious stuff. Entirely out of left field, she’d go for his heart, and ask him for things that would hurt him, destroy him inside, if he ever had to follow through with it.

“Marcus, if it’s a choice between my safety- my life, and Missy’s? I’m always going to choose her. Kids come first, okay?”

She wasn’t superpowered, didn’t have a shred of anything other than pure, normal human in her, but she was easily the strongest person he knew. Fearless and brave, kinder than this world deserved, she’d do anything for the people she cared about. And she’d promised him, maybe as a way to repay him for all the things he’d agreed to over the years, that she’d move heavens and the earth to return to their family. That nothing in this world, or beyond, could keep her away. “Eventually,” she’d stared into his eyes, glossy with tears from how forcefully she believed, “I will find my way back to you. I swear it, so keep a weather eye on the horizon.” See? A whole-ass nerd, and he couldn’t have loved her more.

So, she wasn’t dead. Pure and simple. She was somewhere, somehow, and he was going to find her again.

---

“Marcus, the grieving process is different for everyone, but it is always unpredictable and painful. You will have days where you will feel like you haven’t made any progress, or even lost the progress you’ve previously made, but please know that this is natural; it's something everyone experiences, and that it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your objective. Healing takes time, and a major part of recovery is learning to forgive yourself when you slip up. No one expects you to be back to normal tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Healing from grief is not a race, so we will go at your own pace, and we will work together to accomplish your recovery goals. You aren’t alone in this journey, and you don’t need to handle everything by yourself.”

The grief specialist he was seeing was someone he would describe as an “old soul”. She exuded the patience and peace of someone who had watched empires rise and fall, seen the turning of the wheel of time and drifted along with the current. Her voice was deep, rich in emotion and empathy for those who needed guidance, calming and intriguing with a soft lilt on her vowels. Timeless and ancient all in one, and even if he wasn’t actually mourning the death of his wife, he did find himself deeply grieving being without her. They were two halves of a whole, and though his soul was at a loss without its partner here, he still had their greatest creation, their pride and joy, their baby girl to raise.

He would do whatever he had to do to be the best parent he could for Missy. And so, if meeting with a physiatrist every week was something that would help, then he would be here, every week. He'd learn to live with his grief, his sadness and loneliness, with just the memory of his Everything, and he’d help their kid with all hers too.

It’s what he promised to do, after all.

“If anything ever happens to me, you’ll just have to love her enough for the both of us.”

---

There was nothing they could recover of the people closest to centre of the explosion. No remains, no blood, nothing. Like they hadn’t been there at all.

Suspicious.

Upper Management had brought in a team of private investigators to handle the case, people who would keep the details quiet and the public appeased with what little information they’d choose to release.

Marcus was a superhero, and sure, his job was to hit things until they weren’t a problem anymore, but he couldn’t understand why all the highly trained professionals didn’t question the sheer amount of evidence that just wasn’t adding up.

He tried to bring up the inconsistencies once with the lead investigator, but they had just given the distraught, widowed husband, so lost in his own denial and grasping at straws, a sad smile and told him they would do everything they could to find the truth for him and the rest of the victims’ families.

Typical.

After being brushed off without a second thought, he decided to keep his ideas quiet, and since they’d proven their unwillingness to listen, he’d just have to solve the mass disappearance himself.

“Have you ever thought about how to commit the perfect murder, mi amor? I have. First: If there’s no body, they can’t prove the person is dead. No evidence of death? No murder. Simple. But of course, completely vanishing a full human would be a challenge. Short of having the superpowers necessary to, like, erase someone from reality in their entirety, there would be a lot of chances to leave evidence. Ordering suspicious chemicals leaves a trail, driving out to a pig farm in the middle of the night is shady as hell and all neighbors are professional narcs, and fires? Hah! Do you have any idea how hot the fire needs to be to cremate human remains, and how long they would need to grill for? Huh, maybe the perfect murder isn’t a murder at all...

Hey babe...

Always doubt a body, but always doubt no body, more.”

---

You tended to lose time when there was no one else in your room. It was hard to tell when your eyes were open because you started dreaming about the only things you could see since you first woke up: drop-ceiling tiles, white walls, and pale blue curtain dividers. And it was easier that way, in the end. Your heart didn’t hurt when you only dreamt of the room. You couldn’t mourn the things and people only your soul could remember if you thought of the room. Drifting in and out of consciousness was how you were coping.

---

You had been here, left in this room alone, for ages. You had agreed to help the man who had saved you from the explosion that killed your family, but apparently you couldn’t help him until you had recovered enough. You’d read your charts, grilled your nurses and doctors more and more the longer you were kept here. What were they all waiting for? There was nothing wrong with you except the mild post traumatic amnesia, and the whole not-remembering-much-(or anything, really)-about-your-personal-life-and-family-of-the-recent-few-years thing you had going on. It was nothing compared to when you first awoke and could remember nothing. It killed you to be without the memories of your husband and child, to know only of them instead of actually knowing them, but there was nothing you or the doctors here could do. The brain was a tricky thing, and you had to accept that your memory loss might be permanent.

That just meant that you had to put all that you could remember to good use. You could help people here, and work towards getting justice for your family. Years and years of school, practical experience and training, you had gained it all back; re-read textbooks and studies, wrote papers on your re-emerging knowledge and jogged your memory about long nights and early mornings, surgeries and follow ups... it was all still in your head. It had returned to you easily, like diving into a cool pool on a hot summer day. It was like coming home and taking off your shoes; it felt good, freeing, as-it-should-be.

But still they weren’t letting you leave. So: what were they waiting for?

“Ah, Doctor, it’s lovely to see you, as always. How are we feeling today?” Okay, so the guy who “saved” you (read: paid the people who actually saved your life) gave you the heebie-jeebies. He looked like a classic pompous asshole bigwig, like, oil tycoon or something. And he definitely had some sort of thing for you. Gross.

“I’m doing as well as can be expected, trapped in a room with nothing to do, you know, brain rotting, et cetera. Thanks for asking.” The sass was a choice, probably not a great choice, but your choice none-the-less. You really hadn’t had many opportunities to choose anything for yourself in a while.

Well...

You were bored, and that was going to be everyone else’s problem.

“Ah, well, good news then! You have been cleared from observation and you’ll be able to be discharged soon. Isn’t that just delightful!” Mister Craig (“Please, just Greg is fine”), was some sort of horrible group hallucination, you were convinced. No one was that cheery, that animated, unless they were on something, or you were on something. “I’ll have someone bring you your personal effects shortly, and then I can show you to your new apartment. The complex isn’t in the best neighbourhood unfortunately, but it's got some real charm, very vintage! You’ll love it!”

“I’ll look forward to seeing it then; sounds like it’ll be a real interesting place to stay. You can also explain what it is I’m going to be doing with your organization. Because you haven’t specified yet. And I expect a proper contract and wage agreement. Legally binding preferably, for your sake, of course, Mr. Craig.” Even if you weren’t the most physically intimidating person around, you knew how, and more so, when, to assert your dominance in a conversation. Especially with men like him. He was the type of guy who would pinch a nurse’s ass and then accuse them of not being able to take a joke.

“You wound me, Doctor, I am a man of integrity! I promised you an opportunity to make a difference! To get justice for the loved ones so cruelly torn from you! You have nothing to worry about!”

Sounds legit. Totally above board. Can’t wait.

---

Taglist (omg!! thanks love): @killtherandomness

Drop me a line if you want to be added <3

#we can be heroes #we can be heroes fanfiction #marcus moreno #marcus moreno x reader #Marcus Moreno x you #reader x marcus moreno #reader insert #Pedro Pascal #hurt/comfort #eventual happy ending #say hello to doctor batman lol. theres a whole thing i created just for that nickname to happen. ask me about it if you want XD #also you're a sassy BAMF. oops

10 notes · View notes

aion-rsa · 4 years

Text

Holiday Gift Guide 2020: Books for Geeks

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The holiday season is probably going to look very different this year, but there’s one thing that hasn’t changed: the sacred ritual of gift-giving. While we might not be able to gather in the same way for the 2020 holiday season, we can still let the people in our lives know how much they mean to us with the perfect gift (and maybe get ourselves something nice while we’re at it—we deserve it).

We here at Den of Geek believe there is no better gift than a good book and, with nerd culture still very much mainstream culture, there is no shortage of geeky books to get the nerd in your life. From Star Wars and Star Trek to Outlander and Wheel of Time to those speculative fiction books that broke into the zeitgeist this year without a franchise to support them, here’s a list of books we recommend for every kind of geek…

Editor’s note: Den of Geek may receive a small commission from items purchased through the links in this story.

The Eye of the World 30th Anniversary Edition by Robert Jordan

For the “Wheel of Time” fan in your life.

We’re all excited about the forthcoming Amazon Prime adaptation of the Wheel of Time series, especially long-time fans of Jordan’s fantasy epic. It’s been 30 years since the series launched, and this special 30th Anniversary Edition of the first book in the series, The Eye of the World, helps capture all the magic of reading the book for the first time. This edition features a new introduction by Brandon Sanderson, a hardcover stamp of the snake-wheel symbol so important to the series, redesigned jacket art, and a ribbon bookmark. Whether you want to give this to a longtime fan or whether you’re hoping to hook an epic fantasy reader on the series, the high production value on this special edition makes for a great gift.

Buy The Eye of the World 30th Anniversary Edition by Robert Jordan

The Wintertime Paradox: Festive Stories from the World of Doctor Who by Dave Rudden

For the Doctor Who fan in your life.

This spin on Doctor Who features twelve stories in the “Whoverse” all set on or around Christmas. While the holiday doesn’t play an important feature in many of the stories, visions of the Doctor’s Christmas Past, Present, and Future are sure to entertain. Though most likely to appeal to fans of the series, this is also a collection marketed toward children, which makes it possible to share your love of the series with a young person in your life.

Buy The Wintertime Paradox: Festive Stories from the World of Doctor Who by Dave Rudden

Heroes’ Feast: The Official Dungeons and Dragons Cookbook

For the gamer in your life.

While cooking these recipes isn’t as simple as casting the titular spell, it does contain eighty recipes for fantasy inspired feasts. In addition to the recipes—some of which may be a little challenging for beginners, as they start from scratch rather than premade ingredients—the foods come with lore about the foods from the familiar Dungeons and Dragons cultures. Included are recipes for Feywild Eggs, “Orc” Bacon, Dwarven Mulled Wine, and Halfling Heartland’s Rose Apple and Blackberry Pie. Making some of these for game night might be a challenge, but Halfling-style Melted Cheeses with Chunky Tomato Broth sounds so good, your giftee won’t even mind if some spills on their character sheet.

Buy Heroes’ Feast: The Official Dungeons and Dragons Cookbook

Rebel Sisters by Tochi Onyebuchi

For the anti-war, YA fan in your life.

It’s been a big year for Onyebuchi, with this second book in his “War Girls” series and his first adult novel, Riot Baby, hitting the shelves. Onyebuchi’s Afrofuturist YA features nineteen year old Ify as a respected medical officer on the Space Colonies, and Uzo, a synth who’s working to preserve the memories and history of wartorn Nigeria. When a virus hits the Space Colonies, Ify must return to Nigeria for answers—even though she’d pledged to leave her homeland behind. For readers who love strong Black girls leading the action in a space-bound future, this is a fantastic pick.

Buy Rebel Sisters by Tochi Onyebuchi

To Sleep in a Sea of Stars by Christopher Paolini

For the Eragon and space opera fan.

Fantasy readers remember Christopher Paolini from “The Inheritance Cycle,” published for YA readers, which were filled with dragons and magic. But Paolini’s first adult novel heads into space, introducing the Fractalverse setting, and focusing on a xenobiologist whose encounter with an ancient, alien artifact sends her across the galaxy, where the fate of humanity rests on her shoulders. This is a great choice for fans who grew up on Paolini’s YA novels, or for readers who like doorstopper sci fi.

Buy To Sleep in a Sea of Stars by Christopher Paolini

The Hollow Ones by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan

For fans of The Strain.

The Strain had four seasons on FX, and the horror drama procedural won fans and awards. The show was based on a trilogy of novels from master of horror Guillermo del Toro and literary heavyweight Chuck Hogan, who have now reunited on a fresh series. The Hollow Ones follows a young FBI agent who discovers an otherworldly evil when it takes over her partner—and forces her to kill him in self defense. For fans who love their procedurals with a heavy dose of horror, this is sure to keep their spines tingling.

Buy The Hollow Ones by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan

The Art of Star Wars: The Mandalorian by Phil Szostak

For fans of Baby Yoda.

The Mandalorian has clearly been a breakout show for Disney+, putting new life into the Star Wars universe, and featuring everyone’s favorite new character, The Child (aka Baby Yoda). The end of each episode features concept art designed for the show, and for viewers who love seeing where the ideas germinated, The Art of Star Wars: The Mandalorian is a fantastic way to dig into the details of the first season.

Buy The Art of Star Wars: The Mandalorian by Phil Szostak

Cemetery Boys by Aidan Thomas

For queer paranormal romance lovers.

Yadriel is determined to prove himself as a brujo—even though his family hasn’t accepted him as a boy. But when he raises the wrong spirit while trying to solve the mystery of his cousin’s death, everything gets more complicated. In our review, we praised the book for its groundbreaking depiction of trans identity in Latinx culture and called it “a riveting, romantic read filled with paranormal wonder.” Fans who loved the queer romance reveal in She-Ra won’t be able to stop turning pages.

Buy Cemetery Boys by Aidan Thomas

Seven of Infinities by Aliette de Bodard

For the lover of science fiction sleuths.

This latest in de Bodard’s Xuya universe features an unlikely pair of detectives teaming up to solve a murder. Vân is a poor scholar hiding her possession of an illegal implant. Sunless Woods is a mindship who is also a thief and master of disguise. The pair have to work together to solve a murder—and unravel their own secrets. For readers who enjoyed de Bodard’s previous The Tea Master and the Detective or enjoy a good detective tale in space, this is a sure hit.

Buy Seven of Infinities by Aliette de Bodard

Super Mario: Manga Mania by Yukio Sawada

For the NES nostalgic.

It’s the 35th anniversary of Super Mario Bros! This is the first Super Mario manga ever available in English, and for classic NES fans nostalgic for the good old days of their vintage system, the zany adventures contained in this volume hit all the right notes.

Buy Super Mario: Manga Mania by Yukio Sawada

Sal and Gabi Break / Fix the Universe by Carlos Hernandez

For the young reader in your life.

The Sal and Gabi duology (Sal and Gabi Break the Universe and Sal and Gabi Fix the Universe) are ostensibly about a boy who can reach through the multiverse and bring things through to his part of reality—but they’re also about friendship, finding common ground, being your best self, and sentient AI. Most middle grade books depict middle school as an evil horrible place, as much an antagonist as the book’s real villain. The Sal and Gabi books do away with all of that. Not only is Culeco Academy the coolest middle school ever, the series manages to ramp up all the tension and drama needed without having an actual villain. (Even the people who seem villainous at first turn out to be different from expected.) These are a delight for adult readers who love middle grade fiction, but they’re even more important for middle schoolers, who deserve to see kids their age saving the multiverse in communities full of hope and love.

Buy Sal and Gabi Break / Fix the Universe by Carlos Hernandez

Outlander Knitting: The Official Book of 20 Knits Inspired by the Hit Series by Kate Atherley

For the crafter in your life.

For fans of either Diana Gabaldon’s time-travel romance novel series or the hit Starz adaptation, this collection of patterns inspired by the show will transport your crafting friend into the Scottish Highlands. Featured among the projects are clothing, accessories, and decorations for the home.

Buy Outlander Knitting: The Official Book of 20 Knits Inspired by the Hit Series by Kate Atherley

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones

For horror fans.

Compared favorably to horror-master Stephen King’s It, this classic revenge horror seamlessly combines elements of social commentary and drama. The story follows for American Indian men who, as childhood friends, experienced a disturbing event together. Now, the past has come back with a vengeance, and there’s no avoiding the violence they tried to leave behind. Jones is making his mark in the world of horror, and this is a not-to-be-missed thriller.

Buy The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones

Teen Titans: Raven and Beast Boy box set by Kami Garcia and Gabriel Picolo

For DC fans.

Garcia and Picolo’s Raven and Beast Boy origin stories reinvent the characters for an audience who may have already met them in kid-friendly Teen Titans Go! or adult-aimed Titans. While the comic versions presented here draw on those previous incarnations, the stories are self-contained, giving readers both familiar and new to the DC series a chance to experience them for the first time. This hardcover box set gives the books an extra gift-worthy feeling.

Buy Teen Titans: Raven and Beast Boy box set by Kami Garcia and Gabriel Picolo

Thorn by Intisar Khanani

For the friend who needs a fresh fairy tale.

In this retelling of “The Goose Girl,” reluctant Princess Alyrra is happy to have escaped royal life. But when she learns of a plot against the prince, she must decide whether to reclaim the heritage she wanted to leave behind, or let the kingdom fall. This beautiful hardcover edition also features an additional short story set in the same world.

Buy Thorn by Intisar Khanani

Dinosaurs: The Grand Tour, Second Edition: Everything Worth Knowing about Dinosaurs from Aardonyx to Zuniceratops by Keiron Pim

For Jurassic World and other dinosaur fans.

While the 2020 entry into the Jurassic World franchise, Camp Cretaceous, was geared toward younger viewers, plenty of adults never grow out of their love of dinosaurs. And why should they? These prehistoric terrors continue to be amazing—and modern scientists continue to make new discoveries on an almost weekly basis. This huge guide to dinosaur species offers references for more than 300 species full of colorful illustrations that show these titans in all their (feathery!) glory.

Buy Dinosaurs—The Grand Tour, Second Edition: Everything Worth Knowing about Dinosaurs from Aardonyx to Zuniceratops by Keiron Pim

The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin

For the SFF connoisseur.

This series starter is set in a contemporary New York—but the city is coming to life. But a city killer is trying to stop New York from evolving, and the city’s mortal avatars are the target of its plans. It’s not uncommon to hear people considering N. K. Jemisin the best modern writer of speculative fiction, bar none, so picking up The City We Became, her most recent novel, is a no brainer if you’re buying for someone who likes smart, quality SFF.

Buy The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin

Cyber Shogun Revolution by Peter Tieryas

For the mecha enthusiast.

This triumphant conclusion to Tieryas’s United States of Japan trilogy, which can be read as a stand-alone, takes place in an alternate reality where Japan and Germany won World War II and divided the United States between them. An assassin known as Bloody Mary is determined to eliminate corruption from within the United States of Japan, regardless of the cost. It’s up to a secret police agent and a star mecha pilot to stop her, but determining enemies from friends is almost impossible. Tieryas balances the super cool world of mecha battles and spy action with searing social commentary and ethical questions, making this a challenging but imminently worthwhile read for fans of Pacific Rim.

Buy Cyber Shogun Revolution by Peter Tieryas

Star Trek: The Wisdom of Picard by Chip Carter

For the Star Trek fan in your life.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard has always been quotably wise. In this collection, Chip Carter pulls together some of the greatest lines, featuring Picard’s thoughts on leadership, justice, and space exploration. The quotes are accompanied by photography from iconic scenes of The Next Generation, making this a perfect gift for the Star Trek fan who already has everything.

Buy Star Trek: The Wisdom of Picard by Chip Carter

Axiom’s End by Lindsay Ellis

For fans of Arrival and Stranger Things.

This first contact story from Hugo-nominated video-essayist Ellis is set in an alternate 2007. In the world of the novel, Cora’s father has blown the whistle on the first contact cover up. Cora herself wants nothing to do with aliens, but when one of the aliens decides Cora is the only human he’ll talk to, she’s stuck in the middle of everything. For lovers of aliens and conspiracy theories, this is one to pick up.

Buy Axiom’s End by Lindsay Ellis

Court of Lions by Somaiya Daud

For lovers of YA court intrigue.

In this sequel to Daud’s Mirage, Amani, who has been forced to serve as the body double for Princess Maram, is on her last chance. The princess discovered Amani’s connection to the rebellion, and now Maram is suspicious of anything Amani does. Yet Amani is dedicated to the cause of seeing her people free, which means she has to make a choice: continue to work from within the palace and risk her life, or flee and risk her people. For a female-centered plot that deals with consequences of colonialism, this series conclusion and its predecessor are a sure hit.

Buy Court of Lions by Somaiya Daud

Star Wars From a Certain Point of View: The Empire Strikes Back

For the Star Wars fan.

Called “one of the best Star Wars books released this year” in our Den of Geek review, this anthology is packed with stories from authors both well-known and unfamiliar, whose works delve into the lives of central and side characters from The Empire Strikes Back. While some explore relationships between key characters (Luke, Leia, Obi-wan), others tackle the points of view of previously unnamed creatures (Sy-O, the space slug that swallows the Millenium Falcon). The stories are sometimes delightfully weird, other times grim or tender, and all a good gift choice for the Star Wars fan whose favorite film is still Empire.

Buy Star Wars From a Certain Point of View: The Empire Strikes Back

Remina by Junji Ito

For the manga fan.

This science fiction horror story centers on Dr. Oguro, who discovers a planet that has emerged from a wormhole and names it after his daughter, Remina. But as the girl Remina rises to fame, the planet shifts its course, threatening all life on Earth. Could Remina herself be the cause? This chilling story is a classic from Eisner-winner Junji Ito newly released for an English-reading audience.

Buy Remina by Junji Ito

Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee by Shannon Lee

For the martial arts enthusiast.

For friends who like a little more grounded, real-world take, this exploration of Bruce Lee’s philosophies, written by his daughter, offer insight into the legendary martial artist. Although this title offers no martial arts tips, it is full of philosophy, untold stories, and inspirational takes from the cultural icon.

Buy Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee by Shannon Lee

Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

For the lover of gothic horror.

When her cousin begs her to come rescue her from a mysterious doom, Noemí heads to a house in the Mexican countryside. As she looks into the secrets of both the house and her newly-wed cousin’s husband, Noemí finds that there’s more danger—real and supernatural—than she ever imagined. Set in the 1950s, this supernatural horror blends elements of Rebecca and science fiction for a chilling novel perfect for lovers of classic gothics.

Buy Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Marvel Greatest Comics: 100 Comics That Built a Universe

For the Marvel fan.

In a collection that spans the entire history of Marvel comics, characters like the Human Torch, Spider-Man, the Avengers, and the Guardians of the Galaxy show their historical origins. If you have a fan who’s waiting impatiently for the next MCU offering, this collection of some of Marvel’s defining comics from the company’s history may be just what they need to tide them over.

Buy Marvel Greatest Comics: 100 Comics that Built a Universe

Star Daughter by Shveta Thakrar

For lovers of mythology and fairy tales.

Billed as Neil Gaiman’s Stardust meets Hindi mythology, this debut novel centers on the daughter of a star and a mortal. Sheetal tries to be normal, but when her starfire accidentally hurts her mortal father, she must travel to the celestial court in order to save him. The combination of court intrigue, mythology, and a fairy-tale like tone is perfect for YA lovers.

Buy Star Daughter by Shveta Thakrar

Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews

For the romantic who needs a great stocking stuffer.

Although better known for the popular Kate Daniels series, the Ilona Andrews team (husband and wife Ilona and Gordon) has knocked it out of the park with the most recent installment in their “Hidden Legacy” series. There are now five novels and a novella in the series, with Emerald Blaze as the second book of a second arc, but while the book is most likely to resonate with readers already introduced to the character, it’s also a stand-alone magic-spy-action-adventure-romance. Despite that blend of genres, Team Andrews melds it all together in a world with both super cool magic and an alternate-reality Instagram, featuring characters you want to hang out with regardless of the stakes. The mass-market size also makes it perfect to slip into a stocking!

Buy Emerald Blaze by Ilona Andrews

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

The post Holiday Gift Guide 2020: Books for Geeks appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/36r5CNr

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

3 notes · View notes

littlemissvincentvega · 5 years

Text

the accident (vincent vega x reader)

“Fuckfuckfuck!!” The car swerves as your dumbass boyfriend yanks the steering wheel left, and you go screeching down the road. You grip the passenger seat for dear life with one hand, the other clamped on the roof handle-- Vincent had just accidentally shot a fucking stranger.

“Baby, I’m tellin’ ya, next time we go to Euro Disney you need to try a Royale with Cheese--”

You scowl at him. “Vince, for the last goddamn time, I’m fucking vegetarian.”

He puffs and blows. “Suit yourself.”

The two of you were parked in a McDonald’s parking lot chomping down on a midnight snack. He had arrived home from a job at just before 11pm, and after lazing about in bed complaining about being hungry, Vincent had driven you both to the nearest cheap drive-thru.

“The fuck is this you’ve put on?” he sniffs, fiddling with the radio.

“It’s the radio,” you sigh, and he gives you a look. “Fuck you.”

He puts a hand on your thigh, mindlessly stroking his thumb along it as he concentrates on his fatass burger. You do the same with your fries, your right hand over his. There’s always something calming about eating junk food in the car together, and it’s something you and Vince did fairly often. Content in that moment, you gaze up at the blackened sky, when--

“Can you shut your fucking mouth when you’re eating please?” you huff, jerking your head round at him. His cheeks are stuffed with food, and he looks at you, eyes wide and offended.

“What?!” he spits, bits of food spewing through the air.

You cringe at him. “Oh my god, just chew with your mouth shut, you’re driving me nuts!”

“Christ, sorry.”

Not feeling so hungry any more, you dump your leftover fries in Vincent’s lap and rest your head on his shoulder. “Thanks for my food.”

“Mhm,” he mumbles, chewing. “Baby, wanna go for a little walk before we head home?”

“Sure,” you grin, kissing his cheek.

After he’s finished snacking, Vincent steps out of the car and comes round to your side, opening the door for you like a true chauffeur. He offers you a hand, smirking, and as you take it, kisses yours. You giggle, letting him spin you around in a dance, and take his hand. “Honey, you’re hot,” he says, followed by a long, rumbling burp and a childish giggle.

“Jesus, Vince,” you grin, shutting the car door and dragging him across the street. Living in Burbank had its perks, one of them being super close to the beach-- midnight walks along the shore were the reason Vincent thought he was a (as he put it) ‘natural romantic’. Bearing in mind this was the same guy who gave you all the gory details of when he accidentally blocked up Jules’ toilet. “C’mon, I wanna go walk along the shore.”

“Of course, baby.”

You excitedly lead him down to the beach, kicking off your shoes (there was nobody else on there) and feeling the cold sand between your toes. He does the same, bending down to take off his socks while you skip closer to the shore, shivering from the slight chill of the night. Not a minute passes and he jogs down, joining you. “Nights like these, huh,” he smiles, letting you cling to his arm as the two of you slowly walk along the beach. “Natural romantic, I told ya.”

“Sure,” you giggle. As the two of you enjoy your little stroll and have one of your mindless conversations, you tug on his sleeve. “Did you bring your gun?”

“Uh huh, why?”

“Just in case.”

With a smug look on his face, Vincent pulls out his gun and suddenly grabs you, pulling you close to him and prodding it against your waist. “I’m takin’ you captive,” he giggles.

You roll your eyes, smirking. “Why?”

His grip on you softens for a moment while he thinks. “Uh... havin’ too good a tits?” he grins, giving one of them a squeeze.

“Sleaze.”

“Aw, c’mon baby, you know I’m not with ya for your tits!” he protests. “I mean, you’re good at blowjobs too!”

“I know,” you smirk. “Anyway, you can’t shoot me, I’d stamp on your throat as a ghostie.”

“You wanna bet?”

“No, I fucking don’t!”

Vincent chuckles to himself. “Suit yourself.” He fucks about with his gun as the two of you begin a steady walk back to the car, throwing it between his hands like a child-- it was as if he was trying to make himself look like an idiot.

“How old are you?” you scoff.

“Old enough to be your da-” he begins, but is interrupted by a deafening BANG! that almost knocks you off your feet. Looking at each other in horror, you and Vincent slowly turn to the man the bullet hit-- he’s sprawled on the sand, not moving.

“Vince...”

Your boyfriend looks around frantically. “Fuck, oh fuck, baby, what the fuck did I do?!” he panics, pacing back and forth. Luckily for you two, there’s nobody else to be seen, though you’re both spattered with blood (and a little bit of brain). After locking eyes with him for a couple of seconds, your instincts kick in and you grab his hand, running as fast as you can back to the car and dragging him behind you. He swings the car door open for you. “Get in, quick, baby,” he ushers, scanning the area.

As the car screeches around the corner, Vincent fumbles around the side compartment and yanks out his cellphone, shoving it in your hands without looking. “Call Jules, tell ‘im to tell Marsellus what the fuck just happened ‘cause no way am I gettin’ fuckin’ caught, nuh-uh, not today,” he rambles.

“Shut up and focus on not crashing the fucking car,” you say, dialling Jules’ cell. It doesn’t take long for him to pick up, like usual. “Jules? Can you hear me?”

“Vince, it’s fuckin’ one in the mornin’, fuck you, man, the fuck d’you want?!”

“Nonono, it’s me, it’s (Y/N), we’re in a situation, Vincent just shot a guy by accident again and told me to call you!”

You hear him sigh. “Shit. Where are you?”

“I don’t know, we drove off as soon as we could, uh, there’s like, blood all on us and stuff, I’m freaking out, he’s driving like a maniac, I don’t know what to do!” you cry, your breaths becoming hitched.

“Alright, alright, be cool, (Y/N), I’ll call Marsellus now and tell him what the fuck happened. Tell that dumb motherfucker to go home and wait there.”

Anxiously, you gulp. “I will.”

“You cool?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, sweetie. Stay cool. I’m callin’ Marsellus right now, okay? Tell that fucker to drive safe.”

“I will,” you say. “Thanks Jules, bye.”

“What did he say?” Vincent asks, a little bit calmer than before.

“He said he’s calling Marsellus now, and that we should drive home and wait there and you need to drive safely and I need to be cool.”

“Fair enough. I’m sorry, baby.”

“It’s cool. I’m cool, we’re cool.”

The usually five minute drive home seems so long and drawn out with the panic you two are in, but soon enough he pulls up in his usual parking space, slamming his foot on the brake and jerking you both forward. Without a word, the two of you immediately get out and speedwalk (arm in arm, ain’t no situation gonna kill your romance) into the apartment complex he lives at, then dash to the elevator. As the doors close, you both let out sighs of relief, looking at one another tiredly. “The fuck did we just do, baby?”

“I don’t know, it’s scary,” you sniffle, clutching onto his hand timidly. He rubs his thumb against your hand, looking at you with a layer of guilt in his eyes-- Vincent never wanted to hurt you. True, he could be an insensitive asshole sometimes, but it was never his intent to upset you.

“I’m sorry, honeypie, it’ll be fine, it always is, huh?” he assures you, and the elevator doors open at the seventh floor. Hurriedly, he heads to his apartment (no. 52) and fumbles with his keys, trying to unlock the door. You trail behind him and as he opens the door, follow him into the apartment, still anxious. “So, uh, the fuck did Julie say again?” he asks.

The two of you go to his bedroom (well, your bedroom, as you always say, seeing as you stayed there often enough it was practically home) and you join him in sitting on the end of the bed. “We just have to wait at home, I think?”

“Alright.” He wraps his arm around you, pulling you close. “I’m really sorry, lemonpie.”

“It’s fine, I just feel bad for the fucker you shot.”

“Why?”

You look up at him, scowling. “Vince, he’s a fucking person, that’s why!”

“Oh, yeah.”

Vincent was a sweetheart really, but he always found new ways to surprise you with his dumbassery. “God, look at your hair, look at all that shit-- let me comb it, babe, please!” you beg, burying your head in his neck and kissing it softly.

“Fuckin’ Christ, alright,” he huffs, and you jump up, fetching the comb from his en-suite. With a grin on your face, you kneel behind him on the bed, dragging the comb through his knotted, greasy (and not to mention bloody) locks. “Hey, not so violent, baby!” he cringes.

“Should’a thought of that before you chewed with your mouth open,” you retort.

“I said I was so--” he begins, but you flick the back of his head with a smirk. “Y’know, you’re bein’ a real little shit tonight.”

“You’re the one who shot an innocent stranger.”

“How the fuck d’you know he was innocent?!” he says defensively, turning around to face you. “I could’a done the world a favour there!”

“Well we’ll never know because you didn’t give the bastard a chance!”

Defeated, he turns back around, miffed. “It was only an accident,” he mutters under his breath.

“Are you done complaining yet?”

“I’m not complainin’, I--”

You cut him off again with a flick to the back of his head, and continue combing out the clots of blood, cringing at the state of it. “Yuck, I think I need to wash your hair, this isn’t pretty.”

“No way, if fuckin’ Marsellus gets here or some other fucker workin’ for him and sees you washin’ my hair like I’m a baby, I’ll look like--” he splutters, trying to think of a word, “--like a fuckhead!”

“You looked like one before you shot that guy, you looked like one while you shot him, and you look like one now,” you retort.

He huffs. “Whatever, just fuckin’ wash it, I don’t even care. In fact, why don’t ya make it bright pink while you’re at it? Make me look even more fuckin’ stupid?”

“I’m tempted, but it’s not worth the effort,” you smile, hopping off the bed. “Wait there, babe.” Grinning to yourself at the opportunity, you head to the kitchen and fill up a large bowl (that you’d usually use for popcorn) with warm water. Sure, it had been overall pretty traumatic, but laughter was the best medicine, right? Giggling, you return to the bedroom and Vincent’s face drops.

“I’m not a fuckin’ dog!”

“I know, I love dogs. C’mon,” you say, placing the bowl on the floor, “dip your hair in, let me baptise you.”

“Fuckin’ Christ. Y’know what? Fine, just ‘cause I complained at you earlier and I’m a good boyfriend,” he growls, yanking off his jacket and leaving it in a scruffy pile on the bed. He lays on the floor and lets you gently dunk his hair in the bowl, then you squirt a little shampoo on his hair, massaging the blood from it. He quietens down after this, and it seemed to you like he was actually really relaxed by it-- you peek round his shoulder and see his eyes closed in contentment.

“You like it?”

“Mhm. Feels nice.”

Smiling, you run the comb through his hair again, and the blood seems to be coming out nicely-- though the moment is ruined when the door swings open and Winston Wolfe (along with Jules) struts in, followed by a burst of laughter. “Christ, Vega, is this a ladies’ salon?” Winston titters, and Vincent lets out a tired sigh.

“No!”

Jules can hardly contain himself. “Jeez, man, I was gonna leave it to Mr. Wolf to deal with this and go back to sleep, but man am I glad I came along!”

“It’s not fuckin’ funny!”

“Actually, it is,” smirks Winston. He looks across at you. “Honey, you wouldn’t fetch me a coffee, would ya?”

“No problem, Mr. Wolfe. Lots’a cream, lots’a sugar?” you grin, and he nods approvingly. This wasn’t the first time you’d met him and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last time, not with Vincent’s stupidity. As you totter off to the kitchen, Vincent stands up, scrubbing his hair sheepishly with a towel.

“She made me let her do it,” he mutters, giving the two guys a look.

“Hey, hey, leave the lovely lady alone. That girl just watched you shoot some innocent motherfucker and offered to wash that shit out your hair, so be fuckin’ grateful,” Winston growls.

“Yeah, man, you want me to tell her you been shit talkin’ her?” Jules taunts.

“Fuck you, man, I wasn’t shit talkin’ her, fuck you!!”

“Alright gentlemen, stop with the arguing and let me figure somethin’ out,” says Winston. “So, uh, bet it’s been a while since you’ve had shampoo on that greasy mop’a yours, huh?”

Jules chuckles and, cursing under his breath, Vincent storms out to the kitchen, where you’re stirring the guys’ coffees. “Baby, tell ‘em to stop makin’ fun of me,” he whines, leaning against the counter.

“Christ, Vince, I’m not your mother, this isn’t a playdate!” you exclaim, rolling your eyes. It shuts him up for a moment.

After looking rather docile, he shuffles over to you. “Can I have a cuddle or somethin’?” he mutters.

“What was that?” you tease, putting a hand behind your ear.

He clears his throat. “Can I have a cuddle?”

Smiling, you wrap your arms around him, letting him cradle you. The two of you stand there swaying gently, his chest rising up & down beneath your head, and he lets out a sigh. Feeling guilty about the whole situation, Vincent squeezes his eyes shut. “I love you, honeypie,” he mumbles.

“I love you too,” you grin, stepping on your tiptoes and kissing his cheek.

“Aaaawwwwwwwwww,” a voice says, and you turn to see Jules and The Wolf standing in the doorway, cackling away to themselves. “Love’s young dream,” Winston smirks.

Almost instantly, Vince lets go of you and goes into defensive mode. “Fuck you man, fuck you!”

“No, it’s rather sweet, really. You love your little lady.”

“I know, shut up!” he complains, avoiding their eyes. “Can we just sort this shit out please?”

“Hold your fuckin’ horses, I need my coffee,” says Winston, smiling at you as you pass it him. “Thanks, sweetheart.”

“No problem, Mr. Wolfe,” you smile.

“Oh, and good job on that asshole’s hair,” he adds, nodding at Vincent, who can’t help but snap.

“Fuck you!”

#vincent vega x reader #vincent vega fluff #pulp fiction fanfic

35 notes · View notes

imagineproduce101 · 7 years

Text

Masterlist

To search for a title or person, use ctrl + f on desktop version.

Ha Sungwoon

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

Rookie Monster

Your group and Wanna One are both featured on the Weekly Idol ‘Rookie Monster’ special episode. Sungwoon, your boyfriend, isn’t always great at variety.

A Textbook Romance

Open Heart

Valentine’s day mini special

Hwang Minhyun

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Smol and Angered

You’re having trouble reaching something while cooking due to your height, and your boyfriend Minhyun is absolutely no help.

Let’s Get to Work

When you start working at Mnet Corporations, you make a lot of new friends. However, Hwang Minhyun, Mr. Cold Guy™, doesn’t seem all that interested in melting his ice for some new employee.

kind of lengthy but whatever

office au

Cuddles Reaction

Of Spreadsheets and Small Children

Your boss (and longtime crush) Hwang Minhyun has always seemed very collected and stern. However, your impression of him changes when he begins bringing his niece to work, tasked by his sister with watching the toddler while she’s away. The two of you bond over her.

Colors Showing

Upon meeting Hwang Minhyun, the CEO of vampire-run company Empire, you’re intimidated by his cold nature and enormous levels of success. As the only human working at Empire, you’re bound to get yourself in a few sticky situations, but you’d never guessed that you’d be falling for your boss.

same universe as 'moonstone' (longguo vampire au)

Sick Of Him

Minhyun is sick, and feeling a little grumpy that your next-door neighbor has been flirting with you lately.

The Bookstore on Hazel and 4th

college au

kind of childhood friends au?

Hues

valentine’s day special

Warning

kehlani mini series: do u dirty

Together We Can

kehlani mini series: honey

Ong Seongwoo

Reaction to you being close friends with another male idol

From The Moon To The Stars

You and your boyfriend Ong Seongwoo celebrate your one-year anniversary under the night sky.

fluff af

insp. by daybreak by nu’est (jr and minhyun)

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Reaction to significant other hating ghosts and you two watching a horror film

I'm Coming Home

Normally you don’t show affection for your boyfriend, but you hadn’t seen Seongwoo in a month, and you were willing to make an exception.

Strip That Down

You first meet Ong Seongwoo at a strip club, not amused by his silk shirt and easy smiles. However, you’re soon exposed to the other sides of his personality, and find yourself genuinely enjoying his company.

Your Heart is Quiet

drabble

Pick Me Up

Seongwoo is the flirty guy who works with you in the office, but you’re just there to secure the bag and go.

See You Soon

Valentine’s day mini special

Try Me

kehlani mini series: crzy

De-stress

kehlani mini series: crzy

Yoon Jisung

Harry Potter AU

Harry Potter AU (Hogwarts vers.)

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Recognize

Kim Jaehwan

Sugar, Yes Please

Your boyfriend Kim Jaehwan wants to bake cookies. He’s not a great baker.

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Vocal Gods

Your company has you do a special stage with Kim Donghyun of BNM, and Jaehwan isn’t too happy about it.

pre-established relationship

idol!reader

Perfect

Kim Jaehwan is your best friend, and you’ve had a crush on him for a long time

For You

valentine’s day mini special

Kang Daniel

Hot Summer

You and your boyfriend Kang Daniel decide to beat the heat by heading to the amusement park, and you’re looking forward to the chance to make new memories with him. However, your perfect day is ruined by events that spark Daniel’s jealousy, leading to you two fighting.

non idol! au kang daniel ft. somi, sohye, sejeong, daehwi, jihoon and jaehwan (i decided who was dating by who was the same age lolol)

i tried to do angst but it’s not too angsty

you lowkey teach daniel a bit abt rape culture/blaming the victim instead of the perp

Reaction to significant other hating ghosts and you two watching a horror film

A Hamster?

You and Daniel argue over whether to adopt a cat or dog next.

Reaction to you being close friends with another male idol

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

Crazy Cat Couples

You’re at a bar with your best friends when you find a small cat. It turns out that you’re not the only one who likes cats.

cutie daniel flirting with you

some kinda au that’s nonidol

warnings for mentions of alcohol?

Bring the Heat

You wanted to celebrate your three-month anniversary with Kang Daniel, but instead of a loving date with your boyfriend, your world collapses around you. As you’re left to pick up the pieces of your heart, you uncover a scheme that runs a lot deeper than just your own heartbreak, and you’re not going to take it sitting down.

aka, daniel and his friends are fking scumbags and girls supporting girls

heavily

inp. by this scene in riverdale

Mafia AU

What Would Kissing Him Be Like?

very short, bullet-style +too poetic lol

Red Bull

You’re busy cramming for finals when you meet Kang Daniel, a fellow student doing his best to survive a week in hell. Slowly, you start to fall for him and his charm.

Backstage

It’s not uncommon for rookie groups to run into each other often, due to the near constant cycles of promotions. Fate seems to have a lot in store for you and Kang Daniel of Wanna One.

Assignment

You’re trying to do work, but Daniel is occupying the space where you normally work. Cuteness follows.

I Hate that I Love You

Kang Daniel is your all-time enemy, your #1 rival. It’s not uncommon for the two of you to start dueling during class, but when Slughorn assigns the two of you to make Amortentia during detention, some interesting things develop.

harry potter au

enemies to lovers

gryffindor daniel and slytherin reader

actual fic; NOT a bullet-style scenario

Three Points to My Heart

You’re the basketball manager, Daniel is the star player and team captain. You were basically meant to be.

It's Ok to Not Be OK

Drabble

Captivating

in the same universe as the mafia aus, but daniel is the ceo of a company that operates as a front for the 101′s arms trading operation and the reader is his unaware secretary

Irritate Me

high school au, enemies-to-lovers

Memorable

valentine’s day mini special

Comfy

fluff!

Better

kehlani mini series: 24/7

Too Real For You to Handle

kehlani mini series: did i

Park Jihoon

Jeojang!

Jihoon gets a bit jealous of you and Daehwi joking around, and a cute conversation ensues (because the cutest kind of relationship is one with communication)

non au?

jisung and sungwoon the aunties and guanlin the angsty teen

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Harry Potter AU

Fashionista

Dating Park Jihoon can be… challenging. Especially when he’s on a mission to prove to the nation that he’s not the fashion terrorist that they make him out to be.

Dance Into My Heart

You and Jihoon are partnered up for your friend Somi’s dance video, and get closer as you prepare for filming.

dancers au (1million-esque)

Stop Being Cute

You love your best friend dearly, but sometimes the amount of attention that Park Jihoon gets just because he has a nice face can get a little annoying…

high school au/ best friends w/no romance au

Be My Distraction

Drabble

Hold Me By The Heart

drabble

Hear Your Voice

drabble

Pink

valentine’s day mini special

I’m Sorry

kehlani mini series: the letter

Distraction

kehlani mini series: escape

Park Woojin

Picture Perfect (ongoing)

1 | 2 | 3

You’re not particularly into BNM, the new rising kpop group, but your best friend has fallen head-over-heels for their adorable maknae, Lee Daehwi. Your days in college are filled with working on your photography portfolio in hopes that a magazine will hire you, while your best friend’s is filled with stalking keeping up with BNM. However, when one day, your best friend decides to attend a fansign with your best camera, your entire world changes.

A multichaptered fic ft. Park Woojin, the trainees of Brand New Music, Yoo Seonho and the pd101 boys. In this story, your best friend’s name is Lee Seonmi; you two have been friends since high school, and you attend university in Seoul and room together.

Did anyone say slow burn?

Harry Potter AU

bullet–style scenario

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

I Love You

Super fluffy

You visit Woojin a few hours before Episode 11; cuddling and cute times ensue

What Are You Waiting For?

you and woojin are best friends. the catch? you’ve had a crush on him since forever, and you’re helping him ask another girl to prom.

ft. friend! kang daniel and older brother!jisung who eats cheese shirtless

high school

set in usa au?

Sweat

Your boyfriend Woojin has a tendency of playing soccer during lunch, but at least he brings you snacks to bribe you into wiping the nasty sweat off his foreheadpre-established relationship

for anon who requested woojin fluff

based off of this pann post

Rivals

You attend a football game between your own university and its rival, Silver Creek Institute. At the game, you meet a super sweet guy, Park Woojin. However, you soon realize that maybe you didn’t know everything you needed to about him.

for an anon who requested a romeo and juliet fic without death

based off of the usa university system

You're a One Hit Wonder, Baby

Your older brother is a boxer. Through his competitions, you come to meet Park Woojin, another boxer, who catches your eye.

Being With You

You and your boyfriend Woojin had a tradition. Every week, you spend time at his dance studio, him working on a choreography and you working on your drawing, before heading over to grab some street food. It’s a good tradition.

Can't Be With You

drabble

You Spin My Head Right Round

When your best friend Jaehyun ditches you at the county fair, you find yourself riding the ferris wheel with a stranger (who is admittedly quite cute). The catch? You’re super afraid of heights

Pretty Cute

You’ve just moved to a new school and have an interesting interaction with Park Woojin, the school’s resident bad boy ™

Can’t Be With You

kehlani mini series: in my feelings

Bae Jinyoung

Reaction to significant other hating ghosts and you two watching a horror film

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Best Friends AU

bullet-style scenario

no romance

Sick

You’re feeling a little under the weather, but Jinyoung is there to cheer you up!

Special

Valentine’s day mini special

Beautiful

kehlani mini series: bright

Lee Daehwi

Hit Me Up

You play hard to get, but Daehwi is determined to get you as his date.

Hit Me Up (The Sequel)

Now that Daehwi’s managed to get a date with you, how does the first date go?

Secrets

You and Lee Daehwi are dating, but your older brother Daniel isn’t aware. What happens when you two go to a movie and Daniel is there as well?

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Banana Milk Love

You and Lee Daehwi have been best friends since kindergarten. However, when you reach high school, you start to drift apart, and you find yourself missing his sunny presence.

(childhood friends/best friends to lovers; next door neighbors to lovers)

Help Me Fly Again

drabble

Dear Guardian Angel

You work at a barbecue restaurant fairly close to the buildings that all the businesspeople work in. One night, you notice a new face among a crowd of regulars.

Focus On Me

Your boyfriend Daehwi has the tendency to flirt with other people without even realizing it.

Forever

valentine’s day mini special

Lai Guanlin

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

One of Those Days

It was one of those days where you just felt down about yourself, comparing yourself to other people. Luckily, Guanlin’s able to cheer you up.

pre-established relationship

ft. blackpink cameos

warning for body image-concerned reader

Mafia AU

bullet-style scenario

Let Me Love You (complete)

1 | 2

When you were first paired up with Lai Guanlin for your Advanced Business final, you didn’t know what to think. Guanlin was quiet and shy, but as you continued to work together, you realized that he was also kind and a gentleman with his own personal problems. Slowly, you fell for him, and unbeknownst to you, he’d been in love with you all along…

featuring kang mina (pd101/gugudan), kang daniel and ong seungwoo as your best friends; park jihoon and yoo seonho as guanlin’s best friends

high school! au

Reaction to significant other hating ghosts and you two watching a horror film

Reaction to you being close friends with another male idol

I Can’t Let Your Heart Go

As one of the hottest rookies, your participation in collaboration stages is a given. But when you perform Troublemaker with YHUA’s Justin, your boyfriend Guanlin gets a little worried about his own talents and it’s up to you to reassure him that you love him all the same

ft. yuehua trainee justin bc dont lie he would do a gr8 troublemaker

and idol!reader

Let’s Dance… or Try

To boost popularity for your own group, C.I.E.L, your entertainment company decides that you’ll do a special stage with Lai Guanlin of Wanna One. It’s decided that you’ll be performing Troublemaker– the only catch? Guanlin isn’t exactly the world’s best dancer.

Hype

You, Guanlin and Seonho are best friends and it’s messy as hell.

no romance

best friends/high school au

Savior

royalty!au; guanlin is a prince and you’re a palace healer

Nice Shot

You’re practicing basketball in your school’s gym when Lai Guanlin decides to join you; a strange friendship blossoms.

Will

valentine’s day special

I’m Down For You

kehlani mini series: down for you

Kim Jonghyun

Reaction to PD101 Ep.11

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

New Beginnings

On your first day of college, you’re introduced to Kim Jonghyun, a kind third-year student. As your time in university progresses, you experience many of your college “firsts” with him, leading you to fall for the junior. ft. yuehua sprouts as your best friends (pls ignore their ages omg)

4.5 k words

warnings for alcohol, drugs, attempted use of date-rape drugs

Mafia AU

Cuddles Reaction

New Neighbors

You move into your new apartment, and discover Jonghyun and Jisoo, the adorable father-daughter duo across the hallway. It doesn’t hurt that Jonghyun is incredibly attractive.

non-idol! au

single father jonghyun

What Would Kissing Jonghyun Be Like?

short bullet-style drabble

Forgetting Isn't Easy

drabble

Rosy Cheeks

office!au

Kang Dongho

Reaction to PD101 Ep.11

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

What Would Kissing Dongho Be Like

bullet-style

Mafia AU

Sunrise

You and your boyfriend go on a date to the beach to watch the sunrise.

Mornings

Just a cute mini fluff about you and Dongho waking up together

Cuddles Reaction

Blue Salvia

Written version of Dongho’s bullet-list mafia au

Captivated

vampire au, set in the same universe as moonstone (yongguk) and colors showing (minhyun)

Here

valentine’s day mini special

Comfort

kehlani drabble series (unconditional)

Beautiful

kehlani mini series: everything is yours

Warmth

kehlani mini series: unconditional

Choi Minki

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

Cuddles Reaction

Personal

drabble

Ahn Hyeongseop

Reaction to PD101 Ep.11

Mafia AU

Harry Potter AU

Mall Date

Just a cute mall date with Hyeongseop. That’s it.

Dinner

Lee Euiwoong

Mafia AU

Harry Potter AU

Huang Justin

Mafia AU

You Know I Want Your Love

You’ve never liked Huang Justin, the #1 fuckboy at your high school. That starts to change when you’re assigned as his tutor in Literature.

I’m Here

You get into an argument with Justin, your best friend

Just Relax

kehlani mini series: hold me by the heart

It’s November

kehlani mini series: honey

Jung Jung

Moments Like This

drabble

Noh Taehyun

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

Host Club AU: The Sporty Host

That Soulmate Kinda Love

brother ha sungwoon and brother’s best friend noh taehyun

Im Youngmin

Confession

It’s Valentine’s Day, and in a moment of true bravery, you decide to gift your long-time crush Im Youngmin with chocolates. When you see how many other girls have also given him gifts, your confidence dips, but it all works out in the end

valentine’s day fic in july? hell yeah lets do it

high school au! ft. im nayoung (pristin) and choi seungcheol (17) bc they’re also 95 liners

seonho and guanlin as reader’s best friends

Harry Potter AU

bullet-style scenario

You’ve Got a Pizza My Heart

You and your boyfriend have your first fight, but he has an incredibly cheesy way to say he’s sorry

pre-established relationship w/youngmin

Don’t Play (complete)

1 | 2

ft. ha minho as the asshole™

Im Youngmin is your brother’s best friend. You happen to have a huge crush on him.

angst and fluff ish? in chapter one; pure fluff in chapter two

some weird non idol au

kim donghyun is your older brother

warning: this includes unsafe/underage (?) drinking and sexual harassment.

Passion

link to navigate chapters

Ever since you accidentally spilled your lunch on Im Youngmin, the popular chaebol senior with money and fame, he’s seemed to hate you. However, when some odd photos of the two of you arguing appear in a tabloid, he has a solution as to how you can make up for it– pretend to be his girlfriend.

high school au + fake dating au

same universe/basic timeline as let me love you

multichaptered for all you youngmin stans!

dancer!reader

reader is a second-year in high school; youngmin is a third-year

Yearbook

You and Daehwi win “the best couple that never was” in the yearbook. Your boyfriend Youngmin is not pleased.

Conceptualize

As a famous producer, your good friend KittiB asks you to help her label out by lending a hand to BrandNewMusic’s latest project– an idol group. You decide to help out

no romance!!!

producer!reader

Mafia AU

Cinema

It’s your first date with Im Youngmin, and you’re incredibly nervous about your movie date.

Sweet Like Honey

Drabble

Kim Donghyun

Conceptualize

As a famous producer, your good friend KittiB asks you to help her label out by lending a hand to BrandNewMusic’s latest project– an idol group. You decide to help out

no romance!!!

producer!reader

Mafia AU

Harry Potter AU

Heart to Heart

kehlani mini series: 24/7

Kim Samuel

Reaction to PD101 Ep.11

Mnet Who?

After seeing all the activities that Wanna One was participating in, Samuel feels a bit down and it’s up to you to cheer him up.

Harry Potter AU

Yoo Seonho

Cute

You’re babysitting your older sister’s 6-month old daughter, doing your best to get her to sleep, when your boyfriend Seonho shows up on your doorstep. Cute, snuggly times ft. a baby ensue!

Welcome to Paradise

Summer is a time for the sun, ice cream, and of course, beaches. You experience this first-hand with Yoo Seonho, the could-be-a-five-year-old boyfriend.

Oppa?

As a new trainee at Cube, your fellow labelmate and sunbae Yoo Seonho has a lot of advice. Is he really an oppa, though 👀👀

no romance!

Welcome to the Family

high school!au

bullet-style scenario

Harry Potter AU

Hype

You, Guanlin and Seonho are best friends and it’s messy as hell.

no romance

best friends/high school au

You're New Here

School has just begun, and you’re deskmates with the new kid, Yoo Seonho.

Spiderman Squad

spiderman!seonho au, high school au

Kim Donghan

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

They're Wrong

drabble

based on 24/7 by kehlani

Make It Official

drabble

Life is Cold

drabble

Host Club AU: The Prince Charming Host

Come Home?

kehlani mini series: jealous

They’re Wrong

kehlani mini series: 24/7

Make It Official

kehlani mini series: the way

Jin Longguo

Harry Potter AU

Misunderstanding (complete)

1 | 2

You really dislike Kim Yongguk, your seatmate in Civics, because he cheated on one of your best friends a while ago. However, you soon learn that he wasn’t the only Yongguk to attend your high school.

Moonstone

You sign up for a Blood Partners program online, which matches humans up with vampires to get fed on and be paid for their services (college is expensive). You’re paired up with Kim Yongguk, a kind vampire with money and a lot of secrets.

modern day vampire au (vampires are integrated into society au)

I Got You

drabble

Only You

drabble

Distance

drabble

Host Club AU: The Natural Host

There’s No Turning Back

You’ve been pining over Jin Longguo, a surgeon at the hospital where you work at, for ages, and your friends decide that it’s time you put yourself out there again, arranging a blind date for you.

Not Right Now

kehlani mini series: do u dirty

Kim Sihyun

Ice Packs

You’re beating the heat of the summer with your boyfriend Sihyun and his best friend’s cat, Tolbi.

All I Need

kehlani mini series: wanted

Did It Again

kehlani mini series: good life

Takada Kenta

Harry Potter AU

Mafia AU

Guest MC

You’re on Weekly Idol as a guest MC when JBJ is featured as a guest. One of Kenta’s more embarrassing secrets surfaces, and it has to do with a certain guest MC.

I Like You a Latte

You first met Takada Kenta on your college campus’s only 24 hour cafe, desperately trying to finish an essay for class. Slowly, the two of you grow closer.

college au/coffee shop au

Heart On Your Wrist

You’re super excited to be seeing Takada Kenta and the boys of JBJ at their very first fansign. However, while you’re there, you find your soulmate

soulmates au (the one where your soulmate’s first words are tattooed on your wrist)

Keep Your Heart

drabble

Talk

kehlani mini series: jealous

You’ll Be Alright

kehlani mini series: be alright

Woo Jinyoung

Mafia AU

Kwon Hyunbin

Mafia AU

I Love You

kehlani mini series: jealous

do u dirty

kehlani mini series: do u dirty

OHSHC AU

Jung Sewoon

Heartache

drabble

Mayday, Mayday

After the first time you spilled coffee on an incredibly handsome man at a bus stop, you never expected to see him again. When you spill coffee on him the second time, the two of you get to talking.

Get To Know You

You’re a counselor at a summer camp, and Jung Sewoon is the cute counselor who plays his guitar during camp bonfires. Unfortunately, you’re too shy to say anything to him.

A Song For You

Fluff, pre-established relationship

Stay

Valentine’s day mini special

Mafia AU

Taedong

Harry Potter AU

Stuck On You

drabble

Wrong

kehlani mini series: you should be here

Hong Eunki

Take Me As I Am

drabble

Kim Sanggyun

You’re the Apple of My Eye

idol rapper! reader who is from starship

pre-established relationship w sanggyun

ft. Doni and Coni!Weekly Idol

Lee Gunhee

Mafia AU

Cozy Vegetables

Move On

kehlani mini series: do u dirty

Zhu Zhengting

Mafia AU

Lee Gwanghyun

Harry Potter AU

860 notes · View notes

tripp-shephard · 7 years

Text

Sunlit Romance || Tripp + Sawyer

@sawyer-james

“Are you ready, Sawyer James, to be so romanced that all night dates will now fail in comparison?” He asked as one of his hands covered her eyes while his other hand held hers as he led her into his condo. He had tried to get as creative as he could with their time together having a limit. After what he felt was not getting a chance to take her out on a proper date, he pulled out the works transforming the main space of his place into little activity stations. Shutting the curtains and having low lighting and candles, he tried to create the illusion of night. “Alright. Here we go.” He took down his hand giving her permission to look. “What we have is what I’d like to call love stations,” he smiled playfully as he walked over to the first one, being a pottery wheel that he had rented. “Here is called The Swayze. Because what is more romantic than sitting making pottery while getting a little messy? It worked for Demi Moore, but I’m alive so it’s like a bonus for you. Over here we have a game of Pictionary. If there is anything Titanic and Leo taught me is that drawing can really get the ladies going and over here,” he walked over to the kitchen. “We have some fondue cause I ask you is their any sexier food than melted cheese and chocolate? I didn’t think so.” He moved back into the living room, heading over to the record player that he had on the shelves. “Finally after all that,” he moved to put the needle on the record an old slow jazz song humming from the speaker. “If that doesn’t all do it for you,” he reached for her hand, giving her a spin before pulling Sawyer into him. “I thought a little dancing to end our evening might work.”

#para #sawyer

1 note · View note

evenstevensranked · 7 years

Text

#20: Season 2, Episode 14 - “Sadie Hawkins Day”

The Sadie Hawkins dance rolls around and Louis is expecting Tawny to ask him. He ends up blowing his chances with her by trying to seem desperately desirable to all the girls. He's left to go to the dance with Monique last minute.. and Tawny goes with some popular, shirtless dude Tad. Meanwhile, Ren’s stuck taking care of a pig. Seriously. So, let’s listen to some Relient K and get into the Top 20!

This one opens with Ren getting everything settled for the upcoming Sadie Hawkins Dance. Of course she’s in charge of it. Who other than Vice Principal Ren Stevens? We see that a pig has been delivered to the school a day early, so Ren is now stuck taking care of it for the rest of the episode. Ren honestly deserves better plots. Like.. what the heck. Louis gets an entertaining, romance-y main plot -- and Ren gets... a pig. Christy Romano even said in an interview recently that working with this pig was a low point in her career, lol. Wow.

A scene later, Tawny and Ren have a little conversation about the dance and Tawny mentions that she’s gonna ask Louis!! Yeeeee! She asks Ren if she’s gonna ask Bobby, but the melodrama strikes and Ren is all “That’s actually been over for a while...” EXCEPT!!! This episode initially aired the literal day before Sibling Rivalry, which is Ren and Bobby’s official break up episode. Seriously, Disney?! I will never understand why they jack up their airing schedules so bad. At least the order of my countdown inadvertently tackles these episodes sequentially! I’d also like to mention that Tawny says the idea of the girls asking the guys is cool, but states “I don’t do Hillbilly” with an air of disgust. I RELATE TO HER CHARACTER SO MUCH???

At lunch, 6 girls who have asked Twitty to the dance swarm him, anxiously awaiting his decision. This is one of those instances where you realize... Oh, right. Twitty is supposed to be cute and kinda popular even though he hangs out with the outcasts? Okay. Louis walks over with Tom and shouts to the girls “Hey, what’s up! I’m Louis!” The girls scatter and you hear one snicker “Yeah. No kidding! So what?!” HAHA. Louis is a little salty over the fact that not one girl has come “within 50 feet” of him, yet Twitty has 8 potential dates lined up. I think y’all know by now that if I were a student at LJH back in the day, I totally would’ve been that weird girl who asked Louis Stevens lol. Tom exclaims that the only other guy with as many offers as Twitty is Tad Taylor. Some popular dude we’ve never seen or heard of, who Disney clearly didn’t want to cut a check for because he never says a word.

Twitty himself is shocked that the Sadie Hawkins thing has suddenly turned him into a “babe magnet.” Tom interjects “I’m like a lint magnet! I mean, how am I getting this stuff all over my trousers?!” *whips out a lint roller and gets to work.* Gee, I wonder why Tom hasn’t received any invites!! Tom doesn’t understand it either! “Why do all the really good looking guys with sparkling personalities get all the girls?!” he asks. Which is possibly one of the greatest lines in the entire series. Louis is left wondering the same thing! So, Twitty reassures him that no girls have asked him because they all assume that Tawny will. :)

Later that day, the guys are hanging around Louis’ locker when Tawny starts approaching. Twitty tells Louis “This is it! She was just makin’ you sweat a little!” and Tom says yet another gem: “Yeah, ya know. Girls are always doing that! ...................*cough* or, so I’ve read.” Tom seriously has SO MANY incredible lines in this episode. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through this review without quoting every single one. This is probably my personal favorite Tom performance ever.

Louis royally messes everything up. Tawny was totally going to ask him, until he tried to be over-confident. “Yeah, I figured. You wouldn’t believe how many girls have been asking me out to that thing. Can’t keep their paws off me!” Since Tawny is the greatest ever, she’s immediately turned off and doesn’t ask him. Yaaaasss, gurl.

Twitty: I said play it cool.

Tom: “Yeah, and you played the foooooool! ...Sorry. Ya know, I just like to bust the occasional rhyme.” -- I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW FANTASTIC TOM IS.

After school that day, the guys go to Louis’ house and spin a literal wheel of dates to help Twitty make a decision. We get yet another A+ Tom moment. “Big money, big money!” he shouts as it spins... and lands on DORIS!!! HIS FREAKIN’ MOTHER. The camera zooms in on her photo and it kills me. “Oh. *nervous laughter* Sorry. That... Must’ve fallen out of my wallet” is Tom’s excuse. I don’t even fully understand this comment or why the HELL Tom (or Twitty accidentally) would put her on the wheel to begin with, but it’s hilarious. Just because it’s one of my favorite moments, I have to gif it:

That zoom in is something straight out of The Office and Louis’ reaction is the best.

Just then, Donnie receives a phone call from a random girl who called to say he’s hot. Donnie tells Louis his appeal and ability to nab dates comes from giving off a “bad boy” vibe. Louis takes that information a little too far (as usual) and transforms into the most repulsive version of Louis Stevens ever:

First of all: He’s burping here. Secondly: Yeah, Louis. Dressing like a total bum from Middle of Nowhere USA with a taped-on anchor tattoo and bag of cheese puffs is really gonna reel in the ladies.

Obviously, this attempt at being a “bad boy” did not work for Louis. It did, however, work for Tom. Who looks absolutely amazing!! haha.

“Hu hu hu, au contriare pierre!” he says as Gwendolyn, his date, appears. Are we sure this chick isn’t at least 30 years old? Is that part of the joke? No way in heck she’s in 7th grade. I always thought that was a little disturbing, lol.

It’s weird because Louis is actually already a “bad boy” ...is he not? I mean, he’s not the stereotypical “bad boy” but it’s not like he’s a nerd. He’s always getting into trouble, always in detention, etc. I guess people like the idea and aesthetic of a bad boy instead of the real thing, ayyyy!

We get a montage of Ren trying to ask numerous guys to the dance but the pig keeps ruining everything for her. It eats one guy’s lunch, farts in front of another guy, and attacks some other dude. Which means that guy is really weak, or that pig is really strong:

If this were a lame sitcom someone would shout “Aw, shucks! That darn pig!!” and the audience would erupt in laughter and applause.

Louis runs into Tawny in the hall and tries to apologize for acting stupid earlier by yelling "WHY DON’T YOU JUST ASK ME!!!!” assuming she hasn’t asked anyone else yet. Wow, Louis. Wow. But Tawny, being the badass that she is, tells Louis “There’s one little problem with your logic... I do have a date. Bye.” Yes. Just, yes. Louis is left sulking on the floor when Monique approaches him. She’s trying to give him a bag of some pig food that Ren left in her locker, but Louis jumps to conclusions and is all “YESSS, I’LL GO TO THE DANCE WITH YOU!!” before she even says anything lol. Even though that wasn’t Monique’s plan, she agrees to go with him. So, in the end Louis basically asked a girl to the Sadie Hawkins Dance... that’s not how it works, Lou.

That banner tho... “GALS GIT YOUR’N FELLERS for the SADIE HAWKINS DANCE!”

CUT TO THE DANCE! Monique isn’t there yet. So, once Twitty and Tom arrive with their dates, Tom gives us his last great line of the episode: “I gotta say, we’re all a little worried about ya. Truth be told I had Doris on standby.” Louis is so insulted: “DORIS? YOUR MOM DORIS?! No, Tom. I’m NOT gonna go out with your mom!” -- The way Shia says this gets me every time. He informs them that he was “asked to the dance” by the head of the cheerleading squad -- Yeah, that’s a bit of a fib, Louis.. but I’ma let it slide. Louis thought he was going to the dance with a hot cheerleader.. but Monique shows up in full hillbilly mode.. complete with blacked-out teeth and everything. Meanwhile, Ren is stuck in the pig pen. She’s purposely dressed to kinda look like a young farm girl so this is one of the only times I’ve watched this show and thought “wow, Christy actually looks 14.″

Lawrence Jr. High is really dedicated to ~immersion~ I guess, because Principal Wexler gets up on stage and speaks in the most ridiculous southern accent. Like... I always wonder... How do people from the south feel about stuff like this? Wexler announces that the square dance caller for the night is STEVE STEVENS. Oh my freaking god. Steve is the best, hahaha. He pops up outta nowhere like “HOWDYYYYY” and a crowd of 30-something-year-old adult extras stare back at him, confused and unimpressed.

Yeah, Gwendolyn probably is 30+ years old.. because apparently the majority of LJH students are grown adults. Either that or... Did these adults not get the memo that it’s a dance for middle schoolers? Why is no one concerned that adults are partying it up with 13 year olds? WHO LET THEM IN?! *shrugs* But, seriously. Disney couldn’t find some KIDS to attend the dance? Come on, now.

Monique invites Louis to square dance with her and Louis says "I'm not a square dancer, I'm more of a circular kinda guy." Idk I just kinda like that line. Tawny shows up with her date, the popular silent boy Tad Taylor. She and Louis spend their night trying to act like they’re having a great time without each other. Tawny is specifically trying to make Louis jealous and it’s pretty great. They give us these dramatic slow-mo shots of them dancing and glancing longingly at each other from across the room. I love it. There’s also a bit where Monique takes the call “Swing your partner round’n round!” a little too seriously and I can’t help but laugh:

I will always be a sucker for a good obviously fake dummy gag.

That crazy swing ends with yet ANOTHER Louis stunt double flying into (and destroying) the pig pen. I seriously never realized how many stunts happen on this show!! There has literally been a stunt every week of this countdown as of late! Anyway, the pig gets loose, runs to the principal’s office, and starts oinking into the intercom. That’s basically the end of the pig subplot.

Louis is scarred from the twirling incident so he hides from Monique in a tiny, little pig house. For whatever reason, Monique looks for Louis in handfuls of hay! WHAT?! She literally holds some hay, looks at it and asks “Louuuuis???” I kid you not:

WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY

She eventually finds him, of course. Right around then Wexler announces that it’s hitchin’ time! While Monique excitedly asks Louis to go get hitched, Tawny looks on and decides to get hitched to Tad before them as a way to get back at Louis... and it works. He’s all depressed watching the two of them up on stage. Monique can clearly see he’d rather be with Tawny so she encourages him “Go get her, cowboy!” So Louis ruuuuuuns up there and interrupts the “wedding.” Which is something else that must be gif’d:

“If ya’ll wanna get hitched, say waaAHHH-HOOO!” I love how Margo is laughing as she shouts “waaaahhh” lol. That zoom in on her confused face as Louis runs up there is too good.

Louis objects and claims “This whole wedding is a mockery!” To which Wexler says “Oooo! You’re a sharp tack, Stevens” as he points to a sign that says “Mock Weddin’s: 5 Cents.” That’s one of my favorite moments ever honestly.

Tawny pulls Louis off stage and out into the hallway where they end up having a really sweet talk where Louis admits to messing everything up. It’s so nice, complete with tinkering romantic piano in the background and everything, haha. I love their dynamic so much. So, yeah. They makeup and square dance the night away to royalty-free, generic bluegrass music.

And that’s it!

I like this one a lot. Tom pretty much MAKES it, he’s so good here. I obviously adore the Louis/Tawny content as well. It’s just a fun and solid episode overall, imo.

Question: Did your school ever have a Sadie Hawkins dance? I remember both Even Stevens and Lizzie McGuire (among other childhood shows, I’m sure...) had Sadie Hawkins episodes. So in Junior High, I remember waiting for my school to hold one but it never happened. For the longest time I was under the impression that Sadie Hawkins dances only existed on television. To this day, I still kinda believe that lol.

Thanks for reading! Chime in via Disqus below please. :)

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram | Redbubble

#rank #even stevens #disney channel #old school #shia labeouf #louis stevens #ren stevens #christy carlson romano #louis x tawny #louis and tawny #top 20 #review #tv review #retro review #comedy #tom gribalski #tawny dean #doris #season 2

4 notes · View notes

disneyelite · 5 years

Text

Cinderella Treats Celebrate the Film's 70th Anniversary

On February 15, Disney's animated classic, Cinderella, will celebrate 70 years since its original theatrical release. To commemorate the occasion, Disney unveiled a line of Cinderella-themed treats that are as delicious as they are stunning. The story of Cinderella captivated audiences as far back as the first century BC, with over 1,500 different variations made throughout the centuries. Almost every culture has its own adaptation of this timeless tale of rags to riches, though our beloved Disney version is one we hold near and dear to our hearts. Based on Charles Perrault's 1697 Cendrillon, Disney's Cinderella breathes magic and romance into the Magic Kingdom's theming. There is nothing more iconic about the Magic Kingdom Park than the jaw-dropping beauty of Cinderella's Castle -except for the big cheese himself. So it only makes sense for a milestone as grand as this one that Disney would celebrate with such unique fairytale-inspired desserts. They are only available for a limited time, so get them before time runs out. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Cake: Disney's Magic Kingdom Park

The most appealing treat guests can't wait to bite into is the Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Cake in the shape of Cinderella's carriage. Found at Main Street Bakery in Disney's Magic Kingdom Park, the delectable dessert features a lemony Bavarian mousse cake covered in blue icing and seated atop a small citrusy sponge cake. For the center, a blueberry compote rounds out the fruity flavors. Top it all off with some gold-coated chocolate wheels, and you have yourself a dessert worthy of a princess. This mini cake costs $6.99 plus tax, which feels reasonable for the size and design, especially by Disney standards.

Supplies are limited, however, and it actually took us a second trip to the park to claim one of these culinary treasures for ourselves. So, getting yours as early as possible is your best bet. Since the bakery also doubles as the resident Starbucks, grab yourself a cup of coffee to go with it in the morning as you make your way to the castle. Cinderella Soft-Serve: Disney's Polynesian Resort

If you're heading to Disney's Polynesian Resort, then the opportunity to enjoy two different Cinderella-themed treats is right at your fingertips. The first is the Cinderella Soft-Serve available at the Pineapple Lanai at Polynesian Village. This small outdoor quick-service area is located right outside the lobby before you get to the pool area. They also serve Dole Whip and some dairy-free, gluten-free options.

The good news is you don't have to be very adventurous to try this tasty ice cream. The glittering blue hue is merely a mask for America's favorite flavor: vanilla. And yes, you read that right. The ice cream actually sparkles. The creation is topped with tiny pearl crisps and embellished with a white chocolate clock. The price is $5.29 plus tax. Cinderella Cupcake: Disney's Polynesian Resort

Another yummy fairytale-inspired dessert to seek out at the Polynesian is the Cinderella Cupcake. To make finding this food item even easier, Disney provides resort guests with two different locations to purchase it. The first is on the bottom floor of the resort at Capt. Cook's, the resort's counter-service restaurant located across from the pool. Cupcakes are stored in the refrigerators, along with yogurts and drinks, where you choose your favorite and take it to the counter for purchase.

The second location is at Kona Coffee Bar at Polynesian Village Resort, found on the second floor over the lobby area. The coffee bar is a little baked goods station right next to the Kona Café, which is more of a casual dining area. No matter which place you plan on getting the treat, it'll set you back $5.99 plus tax.

Kona Coffee Bar is located right next to the Kona Cafe

But boy, is it worth it! Undoubtedly my favorite from the collection I sampled, the cupcake consists of a yellow vanilla cake with a fruity blueberry filling. There was even a whole blueberry in the center! The vanilla buttercream frosting is covered in sugar crystals, followed by layers of royal and light blue icing. You'll also come across a crunchy pearl or two when enjoying this tasty Disney treat. For the cherry on top, the flourish is Cinderella's memorable glass slipper. Only it's white chocolate. Yum!

This treat appears throughout multiple resorts, all of which put their unique spin on the delicacy, much like the classic tale itself. The Contempo Café at Contemporary Resort serves a similar yellow cupcake with pumpkin custard and topped with a tiny orange pumpkin beside a shimmering blue slipper. Port Orleans' Riverside Mill and Sassagoula Floatworks and Food Factory also serve their variation of the treat with strawberry icing instead. Resorts Pop Century and Art of Animation will also be selling a version of this cupcake until March 7. Cinderella's Cake Pop Coach: Disney's Grand Floridian Resort

Another food to satisfy your sweet tooth is the cake pop in the shape of Cinderella's Coach. Gasparilla Island Grill sells these delicious treats at Disney's Grand Floridian for $8 plus tax. If $8 sounds like a lot for a cake pop, that's because it is. But it may soften the shock just a tad to note the unusual size of the cake pop in question, which is about the size of a tangerine. The pop itself is a triple-chocolate cake with wheels made of white chocolate. Other Cinderella-Themed Treats at Disney

Off to the Ball Dessert: Centertown Market at Caribbean Beach Resort Greedy Gus Gus Cupcake: Food Courts Disney's All-Star Resorts - $5.99 Cinderella's Coach Chocolate Box: The Ganachery at Disney Springs - $7.50 Cinderella's Carriage Mini Dome Cake: Amorette's Patisserie at Disney Springs - $9 Prices do not include tax. The Ganachery also offers Cinderella's Coach Chocolate box year-round. Of course, if you make your way out to Disneyland, the Disneyland Hotel is hosting the "So This is Love: A Cinderella Anniversary Tea" at Steakhouse 55. Times to enjoy this opportunity are on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays from 12:00 - 3:00 pm. There's still plenty of time to try these Cinderella cupcakes and creations before the clock strikes twelve on this limited time offer. While all supplies are subject to availability, the celebration is set to continue until February 28. So Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo on over to the Disney World resorts and treat your taste buds to some culinary magic while you still can. Read the full article

#Cinderella #disneyfood #Disneyprincess #Disneytreats #PolynesianResort #TheResorts #WaltDisneyWorld

0 notes

denvntr-blog · 7 years

Text

Writer’s Block : Varric and Cassandra

A/N : Another fic for the weary hearts. Or for all of you guys. (slight Trevelyan x Cullen pairing)

----------------------------

"YOU want me to do what?"

"Try it out, Seeker. It might land you a couple of friends here and there. Or, maybe not."

Varric stood before a disgruntled Cassandra. Wearing a sour expression, she closed the book that she held out of anger. It was the book that Varric had given to her a few days back, giving the sneak peek to his worst romance serial as a peace offering from their previous feud with one another. She then became not so much of a bother later on, spending every spare time the hour to read the new chapters of the released book. It amused and satisfied him when he basically observed Cassandra devouring the the book, page after page of endless words and sentences that deemed quite useless to him now, yet meant everything to Cassandra.

Cassandra stood up from the stool she sat on, walking towards Varric in a menacing manner.

"Varric, I appreciate you writing down the sequel for me, as per request from the Inquisitor, but to do such--" Cassandra waved her hands about, obviously baffled. "Such inappropriate actions! What kind of woman do you take me for?"

"Look, I know it sounds weird. Heck, even I'm weirded out, but I'm doing us a favor here."

Cassandra's eyebrow rose in confusion. "The both of us?"

Varric nodded. "The both of us."

Cassandra pauses for a moment, her thinking-process expression showing. After a few contemplations, she said, "You are... quite positive of this? That it will possibly remove you from your writer's block?"

"Have I ever lied to you, Seeker?"

Cassandra glared daggers at him. "As a matter of fact,--"

"Forget that thought. But yes, to answer your question, I am positive that it will work out."

She hesitates. After another few seconds of deep contemplation, she gave out a frustrated sigh.

"Tell me everything I need to do before I disagree and cut you down."

"Will do, Seeker."

-----

She moves the other pieces, her face scrunched in disgust as the last one lands into one of Orlais' landmarks.

"Ugh, Orlesians."

Cullen snickers, crossing off a task written on his papers. "I find it endearing that you're slowly getting sick of their affairs, Trevel-- Inquisitor." The small error immediately earned Cullen smug looks from Leliana and Josephine, to which Trevelyan either ignored or did not notice.

"As if that had to be pointed out." She pinpoints the several pieces scattered around Orlais. "Parties, political unrest, a new duchess getting throned or de-throned, written contracts, what more does Orlais have to offer for us to do?"

"Parties with political unrest, with a duchess getting throned or de-throned, accompanied with written contracts. Bonus points for assassins."

"Ah, of course. Remember the Winter Palace?"

"Don't remind me. The headache I've gained during our time there was incomparable to the headache I've been receiving for weeks."

"It's that bad?"

"Very."

Trevelyan places her hand on her chin, deep in thought. She moves one of the other pieces again, but as she places it on top of a landmark located in Ferelden, the door opens. The sudden interruption caused Trevelyan to squeak out a yelp, immediately letting go of the piece she held. The piece rolled until it, unfortunately, landed onto another Orlais landmark. Josephine sighed, mumbling about her encounter with the Orlesians in said landmark. She muttered something under her breath about six packs of cheese wheels with assassins wearing scandalous and preposterous attires, as chosen poorly by their leader. Vivienne and Dorian cringed at the sight, as they proceeded to go to the nearest clothing store to breathe clean air once more.

"Inquisitor." The heavy-accented voice boomed within the War Room, which silenced all three advisors, including Trevelyan. The advisors, whose directions were facing towards the door, looked at the Nevarran with shock. Trevelyan, however, was faced towards the advisors, with the table in between them. The way she called out to her just now was electrifying in a way Trevelyan couldn't explain. She could only rack inside her head if she had done anything to provoke Cassandra for her to storm all the way down here to the war room.

"Ye-Yes, Cassandra...?" Trevelyan slowly turned around, scared that she might have done something wrong. Again. When was the last time the Inquisitor hadn't done something wrong?

There were the pots. The training dummies, and the horses getting loose. Most of it was Cole's ideas, and I wanted to help him help people. In a way.

As Trevelyan's eyes landed on Cassandra's, the first thing she noticed was the lace sitting on top of her head. And then the frilly dress she wore. It was outrageously covered in pink. Trevelyan could have sworn that Cullen cringed, backing one foot away from the war table. Josephine stood, frozen, not believing her eyes. Leliana, however, stared at Cassandra with delightful amusement, but her interest piqued to almost a maximum when she spotted the shoes that Cassandra wore.

"Are those shoes made from Orlais? Val Chevin?" Leliana commented, moving towards Cassandra with a frightful speed, her gaze still not breaking away from the pair of shoes. Cassandra stood her ground, but it was evident from the look on her face that she was positively horrified at Leliana's sudden curiosity.

"I, um, yes. It is."

"Is this... the same pair of shoes that were delivered here to the Inquisition's storages, as request from an anonymous sender?" Josephine added.

Cassandra shamefully nodded, which would mean that she was the anonymous sender.

"Inquisitor, would you care for a poem?" Cassandra said, her teeth grinding. Trevelyan could tell that she didn't want to do this, but it only deepened her confusion she was doing this. On her own accord. Trevelyan looks at her advisors, who gave her a concerning and sympathetic look.

"Um. Sure?"

Herald of Andraste

You are the nicest compadre

My heart swoons over your heroic deeds

How shall you fare, when I tell you of my sinful seeds?

(Cullen : What?)

(Leliana : *tries not to snort, but a small smile escapes* Shush. Let her speak.) (Josephine : I certainly do not know what is going on.)

Might you fancy a cup of tea with me,

Or will a bloody, sweaty, and heart-racing battle satisfy thee?

You may not look that nice on a nutcracker wannabe vest,

But you'd look great and ravishing, on Cullen's sturdy desk.

(Cullen : *suddenly choking on air, grasping and reaching for the war table's edges. The pieces that Trevelyan worked so hard on to place have now been ruined and rolled over to either side of the map.*)

You use your hand to close these rifts,

But would you like for a spin, on a summer's day feast?

(Trevelyan : Yes.)

Orlesians give us much of a headache,

But you'd be fine with the pain anyway

Not when our commander perfectly handles the situation at bay.

(Cullen : Andraste be my guide, preserve my soul.)

Now, I must conclude this short-lengthed poem

(Cullen : *heaves out a sigh of relief* Thank the Maker.)

(Leliana and Josephine : *lets out a huff of slight disappointment*)

With you managing the troops, the council, and the nation, your time will not be stolen

Adieu, Inquisitor

May you strive for a more higher position.

Cassandra did a graceful yet forced bow, her head dipping really low onto the ground. Trevelyan noticed Cassandra's ears going red from sheer embarrassment, and felt her regret just from standing a few feet away. The last time Trevelyan ever did anything horrendous or as embarrassing was when she tried to do the "Orlesian Dip" with Cullen. It did not go well for them, resulting to Cullen having to lock himself away inside his office, just because he was that ashamed of himself.

With the swift movement of a Seeker, she bolted right out of the room in a blaze, her shoes producing a loud clack, clack, clack upon the floor. After her figure has gone out of sight, a messenger appears right out of the blue, scaring Cullen.

"Ser, sister Leliana's report--"

"Yes, I'm aware of that." Culen snatches the report away fro the scout, giving him a frustrated look. The scout places his fist against his armored chest, and walks away.

"Maker, I swear that messenger has been stalking my movements for how long."

Leliana chuckles.

"Especially right outside your office?"

"What--" Cullen stops, suddenly remembering his momentary talk with Trevelyan during that time, which the scout had rudely disrupted. He blushes, his hand now placed on the side of his neck in a sheepish manner.

"I--You--Thatiscompletelynotinyourlineofwork, Leliana."

"Oh, but it is. I know everything. Mostly everything."

"Even the--" Cullen stammered for a bit, when went near Leliana. "Even the thing we did...?"

"The "Orlesian Dip"? Yes." Leliana smirks at Cullen. "It'll be alright, Cullen. If it brings you some small reassurance, both of you lacked the skills to perform such a feat--"

"Okay. I've heard enough." Cullen stated, his face now flushing, as he slowly makes his way to exit out of the war room. Trevelyan looked at Leliana with much more horror, stepping back for only a few inches.

"I still have no idea what just happened." Josephine stated.

--------

"I will kill you, Varric." Cassandra said, as amshe finally wore into her other pair of boots, tightening the grip around the legs to prevent from becoming anymore loose.

Varric sat upon a wooden chair, his eyes focused onto the paper he held, scribbling away the words that kept popping inside his head. Ever since Cassandra started her 'performance', Varric had already occupied and written three papers. He was on his sisxteenth page now.

He chuckled, still writing down his thoughts. "You did a pretty solid role, Seeker. I swear I could have applauded for you once you were finished right after, but then they'd spot me and it'd ruin my writing-process."

Cassandra opened her mouth to fight back, but closed it. She sighed heavily, dumping the frilly, pink dress somewhere nearby.

"You are certain that the trilogy will be released very soon?"

Varric smirked.

"I'll let you cut my head off if this doesn't come out in stores in a matter of weeks, Cassandra."

#cassandra pentaghast #varric tethras #cullen rutherford #inquisitor trevelyan #female trevelyan #dragon age inquisition #Inquisition #cassandra and varric #leliana inquisition #josephine montilyet #dai #dragon age #da3 #myfic #myprompt #i do not own the characters #cullen x trevelyan

9 notes · View notes

spinthewheelofromance · 2 years

Text

Meet the LI's

As a BIG point of reference. The colors are off because tumblr is restrictive haha. Lex:

Full Name: Lex Bergstrom (Lex Burg-strum)

Pronouns: Xey/Xem/They/Them (genderqueer)Sexuality: OmniAge/Birthday: 19 (Jan 1st)

Height: 6’3”

Ethnicity: Norwegian/Swedish

Position: Switch

Likes: brunost, improv, acting, cooking, baking for others, being a bastard (damn bitch, you lanky and have an attitude), romance novels/manga, gaming, cousins (best friends), Vocaloid, rain, Nightcore (understandable but damn.) Their lizard named Brann

Dislikes: talking shit, ableist comments on eye, xyr body, carrots (ew), sarcasm (although they do it, wow hypocrisy), band kids (it's mostly a joke….maybe), xyr Christian parents (told them they're sinning for how they changed their name), basketball (played it in high school)

Love Language

Giving: nothing Acts of Service/Quality Time

Receiving: Words of Affirmation

Rania:

Full Name: Rania Habib (Raan-ya Haa-beeb)

Pronouns: She/Her (trans) Sexuality: Demi/Omni Age/Birthday: 19 (July 21st)

Height: 5'1 (Lumi height lmfao) (rude </3)

Ethnicity: Cyrpus/Egyptian/Japanese

Position: Power bottom/Switch

Likes: halloumi cheese, very gen Z humor (fried memes make her snort), fashion! (Decora; japan), studying (English literature student but works part-time at the in-school bookstore), koshary (dish), plushies, her books <3, cats, long naps, societal issues, her cat BiBi

Dislikes: being told she's over-cluttered, being held back in her studying (she wants to finish it in one go if she can, although she takes breaks), being owned things, popping candy (surprisingly), her fucking shit and wack ass classmates, existence, girl can't cook sorry

Love Language

Giving: Words of Affirmation

Receiving: Physical Touch

Darius:

Full Name: Darius Harris (Dar-ee-us Hair-is)

Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Pan Age/Birthday: 28 (October 26th

Height: 5’6”

Ethnicity: African American

Position: Service Top

Likes: laughing cow Cheese, his kid. His kid very much, loves his kid (will do anything for her), his job, surprisingly! He actively likes knowing the town and speaking to the regulars every day, DND! (Nerd), jazz (plays a few different instruments;) ), fruit loops (on God he eats it uP), coffee snob, his apartment decorations, hockey, dad jokes

Dislikes: smoking, Starbucks, newer pokemon games, Mcdonald's fries (they really went downhill in recent years), garbage not put on the curbside (PLEASE PUT IT IN THE RIGHT PLACE HE TRIES HIS BEST), people who tell him he works a shit job :( (he likes it a lot how dare you insult his trash), glitter (that shit gets everywhere), (monarchy shhhh secret)

Love Language

Giving: Quality Time/Gift Giving

Receiving: Acts of Service

Perkins:

Full Name: Perkins Arsenault (Perk-ins R-sen-o)

Pronouns: He/Him Sexuality: Bi Age/Birthday: 21 (April 22)

Height: 6’2”

Ethnicity: Québécois/Canadian

Position: Switch

Likes: oka cheese (blue cheese is second best), his mom's <3, cheese. His cows!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Millie <3), calligraphy, nature hikes/long walks, road trips, baking bread, yoga, gardening, sunset/sunrise, fruit snacks, those pamphlets you get when you travel

Dislikes: Animal cruelty, large crowds, the cold, pineapple on pizza (IT DOESNT BELONG THERE), peaches, hotel mints (he’s been tricked far too many times thinking it was just chocolate), doing nothing

Love Language

Giving: Acts of Service

Receiving: Quality Time

Milo:

Full Name: Milo Davis (Mee-lo Day-vis)

Pronouns: He/They/She (Intersex/Genderfluid) Sexuality: Bi Age/Birthday: 25 (September 1st)

Height: 5’11”

Ethnicity: Australian

Position: Top (youre welcome Lumi)

Likes: goat cheese, strawberry milk (secretly), his tattoos, oil paint/acrylics, rock, leather clothes, BBQ fanatic (cooks really well), specific paint brushes (Rembrandt), quietness, fucking with people (will make you believe stupid things), ex-wife (1 year). Mom <3, AAA meetings, yellow, punk fashion and ideology

Dislikes: hot dogs (will kill on sight), alcohol (ex ad.), Fighting, fake rock fans, watercolor paint, math, pickles (has cried before), mocking. Loud noise.

Love Language

Giving: Quality Time

Receiving: Physical Touch

Andrés:

Full Name: Andrés (Roberto) Rodríguez (Han-dre) (Rode-dre-gaze)

Pronouns:They/Them (amab) (agender) Sexuality: Pan Age/Birthday: 20 (July 7th)

Height: 5’3”

Ethnicity: Cuban

Position: Switch (Top leaning)

Likes: queso nabacoa, guayaba, dancing (hip hop), family!!! Big time especially his grandfather, soccer (inter Miami CF), photography, cigarettes, caffecito

Dislikes: puns (sorry for your loss in humor bro), water (can't swim for shit, will drown), horror movies (horror in general), anyone who says bullshit about his team <\3, being dismissed when he talks about his interests

Love Language

Giving: Quality Time

Receiving: Acts of Service

Merry:

Full Name: Merry Winsterfield (Mare-ee Win-stir-field)

Pronouns: She/They (enby) Sexuality: Omni Age/Birthday: 25 (May 5th)

Height: 5’5”

Ethnicity: American/Irish

Position: Bottom

Likes: cheddar, video games, Instagram-worthy dinners, social interaction, skateboarding, mom's side of the family, beer!

Dislikes: unfashionable people, being criticized, overworking herself, ducks. Hates ducks (they scare her), her dad, panic attacks

Love Language

Giving: Quality Time/Physical Touch

Receiving: Gift Giving

Liam:

Full Name: Liam Hugon (Lee-am U-ong)

Pronouns: He/Him (trans) Sexuality: Pan Age/Birthday: 22 (March 17th)

Height: 6’1”

Ethnicity: Vietnamese/American

Position: Switch (Bottom leaning)

Likes: brie, designer clothes, big-time fashion nerd, sewing!, Drawing (has to do with fashion but has drawn other pieces), reading, Bún thịt nướng (good AF tbh, pop off Liam), high-end restaurants…like reservations are impossible to get in I mean bro, does work out (has an in-home gym ;) ) and helps out at the community garden, providing for loved one's, has a dad who was very supportive of his transition (although he's a traditional man)

Dislikes: one of the aunties that keeps telling him that he's not "a real man," and etc. Good old transphobia from old traditional people, am I right, lads, yelling, cucumber (will fight you if about how gross they are), ex (toxic mf? Can't imagine), anything that's pure wool….just ew. Being recognized in the streets/paparazzi (although not famous famous still has a following important enough)

Love Language

Giving: Gift Giving

Receiving: Words of Affirmation

#cheesegame #cheese game #spin the wheel of cheese romance #visual novel #otome #otome game #dating sim #indiedev #asklex #askrania #askdarius #askperkins #askmilo #askandres #askmerry #askliam

5 notes · View notes

clubpenguinkiller · 7 years

Text

all my copypastas up to date

Copypastas You don’t have to be a parent to understand the horror of walking into a room to discover that the baby crawled out of his crib and onto that pottery wheel you forgot to turn off. And while the baby is spinning around and around, the dog is sitting there all calm, like a person, gently using his paws to fashion the baby’s soft cartilage head into something a little more modern. It might be the classic tale of bad parenting, but let’s see where the dog is going with this. somebody once trolled me, successfully rickroll’d me im not the sharpest n00b in the thread… just took another one of my signature “dust baths” it’s like a regular bath only i roll around in a bunch of dust and sand and start screaming when it gets in my mouth and eyes. anyway don’t trust the government Oh, purple-moustached clever Waluigi. Thou art such a genius when it is thy time to attack Mario and Luigi! How thou attach springs to thy shoes, know I not! Why dost thou not have thy own video fame? Art thou enraged that thou dost not have one? Why dost thou fight the Mario brothers? Thou art negative and wicked when shooting fireballs at thy green plumber, thy foe! Why art thou always cranky? Art thy purple knickers in a knot? Perchance Alvin Earthworm annoyed thou with his Youtube video. Why art thou so tall and slim? Perchance a Power Flower fell in you mouth when thou wast a baby. Why dost thou wear a purple suit? I like thy violet outfit for its unique hue. Shouldst thy brother Wario and thou fight so repeatedly? Is Bowser the Dragon-turtle you fiendish companion? I dost wonder what it wouldst be like to be friends with Bowser and thou. Dost thou own the Vicious Petey Piranha Flower? Dost thou like the kind Princess Peach? If thou couldst own a Yoshi wouldst thou? Thou art so sly and crafty our slippery Waluigi. Dost thou fight Geno the Explorer dangerously? Why art thou not in Super Smash Bros Brawl? Perchance thou art sad for being excluded from that rough game. Why art thou so nimble when thou escape the police? Thy symbol is an upside down L. Oh, thou art sneaky, secretive and tricky, mine own Waluigi! Ohhh my god. Ohhh ,y god. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh THERE IT IS THERE IT IS. THERE IT IS. OH MY GOD. EAYEAYEYAYEAHEYAHEY EYAEAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAS. I FOOUND IT. I FOUND IT. I FOUND IT. I FOUND IT. YEAH. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I FOUNDI IT FINALLY!!!!! YEAH!!!!! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD I FINALLY FOUND IT. OH MY GODO. HOH MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. TAKE A LOOK AT HTIS EVERBODY. A LIVE SHINY PONYTA IN MY LEAF GREEN VERSION. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I FINALLY GOT IT. OH MY GOD my heart is beating 100 miles per hour. i was listening to my favorite band once again. Sum 41. No Reason. Live in Ontario 2005. after 25968 encounters I HAVE FINALLY GOT IT OH My god corre al gol, lo va a patear yyyy GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOoOoOoOoOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL!!!!!……QUE GOLAZOOOOO!!!! *churns butter very quickly I hope my last words are "see you in hell" spoken to my grandchildren at age 99 right before I cut out my tongue and live another 401 years 私は究極のミームだ I love everything about you Boy, do I love chicken strips. Sometimes, when I’m home alone, I’ll take some chicken strips fresh out of the oven and rub them in my scalp. It doesn’t do much for my hair health, but I like the way they feel running through my strands of hair. The flakey coating, smooth white meat, and warmth. Yum. stuffing your face as usual. I gotta have a good meal Garfield, you fat cat. You are so big and fat. Why are you so fat? I eat, Jon. it’s what I do it’s time to kick odie of the table dont do it garfielf, that’s our pet dog odie you’re going into orbit, you stupid mutt GAAAAARRRFIIIELD!!! time for a nap. I’m a cat who loves to snooze (echoing) garfield you lazy cat I hate alram clocks I’m am hungry I want some lasaga you’re eating us out of house and home, GARMFIELD enough with The Chit Chat let’s get some grub going GRUB TIME… where Are the 3-cheese pizzas I ate those food where Are the tacos shells ? I ate those food where did all the hamburger helper go *brup* You’re such a bad kitty that’s it I’ve had it with you that does it I’m done that’s the last straw grarfileld Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow [Chorus:] Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older But the media men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is getting pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. [Chorus 2x] Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas I need to get myself away from this place I said yep what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow. [Chorus] And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uU_eaXsPxOY "You'll never stop me!" I shout, running away. My body transforms into a small bee, and as I fly off, I turn around and shout, "You can't stop me! No one can stop me!!" I hit a glass door and fall to the floor. As I lay there, withering in pain as my small bee body dies a slow death, I whisper, "But I never said nothing could stop me." My body looses all movement as my lifeless corpse lays on the cold floor. A single tear runs down your cheek as you whisper, "Godspeed, honey man." HAPPY fourth of July! Hello! My name is Jeremy Frederick Wilson, but you can just call me… Bombittyboo! I know, yet again, I have not been dedicating, enough time to my vlog. However, today, I’ve created a new interpretive dance and poem routine! I hope this is the climax, the outcome, of all my creative juices, since my last interpretive dancing vide which was from over a year ago. Well anyway, this poem is in the format of an english sonet. I hope you really like it, and I hope you like it as much as me. Again, HAPPY fourth of July! I hope you all celebrate it carefully, and wisely! Well, here goes nothing! I hope you enjoy it! Oh so, so many years before today, our founding fathers with their many signatures, sculpted the greatest nation, as some say, one that too this day, still grows, and matures. This, our home. This, our country that we love. That we still celebrate, July fourth. The men who made us completely free of… British tyranny. Which reined south and north. Free from this! We join together in bliss. To honor all those, who came before us. But we do not just sit and reminisce. We look to the future, as we discuss. The bright prospects of our nation so dear. Which much proceed with strength, and lacking fear. Hey guys its Sam hi here with more tips for your everyday life, helping you out, bringing you wisdom. Hey im 27 I’ve been there I’ve done that I’ve been around the block. This next tip has to do with relationships. Love, romance, whatever you wanna call it. I’m gonna give you a surefire way to get her, your special someone, wrapped around your little finger. I mean they’re gonna be just.. Ooohh thinking about you all day. Here’s how you do it. You have to awaken the motherly instinct. You have to get your sweetie, your sweetie pie, to awaken her biological, uh, genetic motherly instinct. and it’s very easy to do. I’m gonna show you how to do it. Kay? You ready? Here we go. (gets on hands and knees) Mommy! Mommy! (smacking lips)Baby Sammy want milk! (slurping) Gimme milky! Mommy! Mooommy! Mommy mommy!! Mom! Mommy! Mommy Sammy want milk! (slurping) Baby Sammy hungry! Baby Sammy Hungry!! I want milk!! WAAAAAAH!! Gimme milky! Gimme milky! Gimme milk! Wah wah wah!! Baby want milky! Here comes the baby! Baby Sammy hungry! (crawling) Baby Sammy want milky! (approaching) Gimme milky!! Gimmy milk! Here I come! I want milk!! GIMME TIT MILK! GIMME TIT MILK!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK!!! BABY SAMMY WANT TIT MILK NOW! GIMME THE TIT MILK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯＯ I came here to have a good time but I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. It’s a metaphor, see? You crave that mineral, but you don’t give it the power to have an extra hour with the ball pit. Oh sad frog, if only there was someone out there who loved you, but my anaconda don’t noot noot unless you talk dirty to me and make me squart across the room. Even if the girl kissed the boy, your fave is problematic – John Green is the zodiac killer, Luigi is giving the death stare, and it’s actually blood orange. Free him! Not all starter kits are for stealing her look, but sometimes you have to eat Lay’s chips during peach time and submerge unnecessary color palettes in bluespace, covering them in text posts for the aesthetic. I told my bae to come over because my parents aren’t home, but girls don’t like boys, they like the selfie olympics. the way they just [clenches fist] olympic all those selfies. According to the science side, “The average skeleton fights in war for 31 days” very factoid, much statistical error. The average skeleton fights in war for 0 days. Skeleton Georg, who uses tumblr pro, wears a fedora, and has fought in the skeleton war for all eternity, is an outlier and should not have been counted. You’ll never see the last meme of 2014 the way Garcia Lopez de Cardenas saw it, but that’s none of my business. Anyway, here’s Wonderwall. [Muffled Flappy Bird Music Plays in the Distance] neopets is honestly a horrifying and disturbing look into the faults of late capitalism and the unfettered exploitation inevitable in unregulated economic systems like first you have the ridiculous inflation rate caused by the ease of which you can generate new neopoints. it’s like the post-WWI germany thing—if you keep printing money, it loses its value. similarly, as people play games, play habitarium, use the stock market, (basically any way of earning neopoints that doesn’t involve rsing from the NPC shops) they’re not actually exchanging currency cyclically like economies rely on—they’re just making it out of thin air. 10,000 neopoints today was 1,000 neopoints a few years ago. even avatar items that have been around for a while have soared from 300k to 3 mil. inflation is further worsened by a few things. one is that there are very few neopoint sinks (only notable examples are the main shops, wishing well, paid dailies, and slots) and only ONE that works even remotely efficiently. they had the save the wheels neopoint sink a few years ago to try to combat the problem, which only fucked things up worse. in order to incite people to sink their neopoints, they offered prizes to people who donated a lot. but the prizes themselves, both during the event and after, just encouraged people to generate more neopoints to donate and get prizes. it’s also awful because kids don’t play neopets anymore. in a capitalist system there’s always relative poverty, but the poor are disappearing. do you want to play a game where anything worth doing costs more than you could ever dream of earning? how is an 8 year old going to learn how to restock draik eggs? poverty in neopia is earning, like, 33k a day, and richness is incomprehensibly huge. we’re talking billions, trillions. wealth disparity is huge with no regulatory system helping out the lowest tier, and the rich get richer with bigger interest, bigger stocks, and more wiggle room with auction sniping the supply/demand is so integral to everything you do, buy, or take part in. you have things like codestones that generally stay constant (in the 3-7k range, with some inflating 20-40% around war time when people are training more because hello demand!) and things like junk items that you think could NEVER inflate because the supply is so high suddenly inflating 1,000,000% or more in a day due to a site event. and the staff actually have NO IDEA how to fix it. save the wheels? fucked up. portal plot? hilarious. there are rules against hoarding items just to raise the price, but how do you control that? bread costs less than rotten tomato salads. if you earn 16k a day (about average if you’re casual) it would take you 59 years to save up for a dark faerie wand. hell will eventually be sucked into the vortex of neopets.com and we will all despair and i will be richer than all of you In ancient Greek mythology, Pygmalion was a highly accomplished Cypriot sculptor. Though skilled at imitating the human form, and well acquainted with it's subtleties, he became disgusted by it when he witnessed the Propoetides prostituting themselves. These women were punished by Venus for their lack of worship with a coarseness of skin and a crudeness of nature, and were then forced into prostitution. Seeing this, Pygmalion the sculptor was repelled and could no longer appreciate women. Seemingly alone, Pygmalion sought to create for himself a perfect, pure, unsullied companion. He used his particular skills to this end: he created a statue bride. What you are about to watch is a mysterious video. It's origin is attributed variously, and almost certainly spuriously, to various abstract artists or surrealists. The truth is that what we are seeing, and what we perceive to be strange and disturbing, is actually beauty to it's creator. Perhaps what we are viewing is the work of a modern Pygmalion. To him, her toneless voice, the paleness of her skin and the comparative vibrancy of her lips may indeed be the very embodiment of a perfect woman... Consider the mind-scape of the creator. In whose mind does this appear beautiful? In whose mind is this pure, near worshipful? Are we missing out on his perspective? Who are we to be afraid or to judge them? He may well love her fully, perhaps more fully than any of us could ever hope to be loved. In the mind of her creator, she is a near goddess; the perfect representation, not just of femininity, but the peak of human potential. A perfectly satisfactory being. How does that kind of unconditional love feel? Well, how does she feel? Fantastic. The "Swing Daddy" of the piano, Artie Antlers was one of the early cabaret characters at Pizza Time Theatre. Artie sang with a deep soulful voice, and his style of music ranged from boogie-woogie, to swing, to early Rock and Roll. He often referred to himself as "moose-ical" and also played up the moose theme by making quotes such as "this Moose is loose". Artie was used in the early 1980s, and was the final culmination of the characters of Elkton John and Glen Camel who were mentioned in the original 1977 PTT Program but never put into production. He was originally announced in 19793, and debuted during the first half of 1980. He originally appeared at three of the earliest Pizza Time Theatre locaions - San Jose (Kooser), Concord, and Sacramento, replacing Dolli Dimples in the Cabaret (then known as the Piano Bar Lounge). Artie Antlers was voiced by Jim Cunningham, a jazz artist whose band "The High Time Octet" had been written up in national papers. Jim was hired by the ad agency of Foote, Cone & Belding and flown from Denton, TX to do the recording at Wally Heider Studios in San Francisco. The piano player on the tracks was a man who played for the Pointer Sisters, and the entire recording session happpened over the course of only four days. Artie dressed in a flashy blue tux, and originally had a black nose which was later removed. Mechanically, Artie was identical to Dolli Dimples (minus the breast movement) – the duo can be seen together at the factory here. Shortly after his introduction, Artie required a retrofit for his antlers which were originally made of wood and broke easily. A styrofoam version was created that was more durable and did not break from the characters movements. During the very early 1980s, Artie was used widely on PTT merchandise, appearing in print on items such as calendars and annual reports. He was also featured on items such as the “Chuck E. Cheese Cube” and other redemption items. Despite his prominent exposure and usage, Artie was never given a second showtape - in 1982 when Dolli Dimples was renewed for a second tape, a new character was introduced named B.B. Bubbles instead of new material for Artie. Aspects of Artie Antlers were used in ideas for new retrofits, such as a Davy Crockett style retrofit for Artie, and a lumberjack character retrofit for The King, however neither materialized past the concept art stage. sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt. i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won. i’m a jaded teenage girl👸. i’ve been through shit💩that you wouldn’t even dream☁️🌜 of. you think💭 your life is hard?😁😣👿 try asking💬❓ the cutest😙😻 guy👱in your grade👦👱👧👩👸👲 out in the middle of the cafeteria🍔🍟🍕 only to find out😨 he has a fucking girlfriend👫💏💔. you don’t👎 know my life or my story📖📚 so keep my name👸 out of your nasty mouth👅💩. life is a battlefield💣🔫🔪 and it looks👀 like i’ve already won👌 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit I AM GAY! GAY! GAY! I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. I’M A SUPER SUPER GAY I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. Now once again, I would like to make this very clear. I AM GAY! GAY! GAY! I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. I’M A SUPER SUPER GAY I LOVE LONG BIG COCKS. Thank you for your attention and I hope for your support. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanama….Hana, Hana, Hanamura. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanama….Hana, Hana, Hanamura. Teru! Teru! Teruteru! Hana…Hanamura! Hanamura! Hanamura! He’s a cook. He’s a cooooook. He’s a cook, cook, cook. Hanamura! Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Teru. Teru. Teruteru! Teru. Teru. He’s the cook. He’s the cook at the Super High School Level. Cook! Cook! He’s a cook. Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! It’s Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hanamura! Hanamura! High School Level Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! Cook! He’s kinda plump, plump and round. Flirts with everyone. (guys and girls) (guys and girls) (guys and girls) He flirts with them all. Flirts with them all. And he loves his mom! Mom! Mom, happy mommy’s day. Teru! Teruteru! Teru! Teruteru! Hanamura! Hanamura! He’s Super High School Level Cook! He’s the cook at Dangan Ronpa! Super Dangan Ronpa 2! Goodbye, goodbye, despair academy! Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye to despair! Des-des-despair academy! Academy on a tropical island. On a tropical island. Trop-trop-tropical island of hope and despair! Hope and despair, it’s Teruteru Hanamura. Hanamura. The cook at Super High School Level! Cook, cook, calls himself a chef. Cook, cook, calls himself a chef. At the highschool, at the highschool, super highschool, super highschool. Super Dangan Ronpa 2! 2! 2! 2! 2! It’s Teruteru Hanamura! Hanamura, he’s a cook. He’s a chef. He’s a cook who calls himself a chef. Chef, at the Super Highschool Level. Level! Level! Level! It’s Teruteru, Teruteru, Hanamuru. Teratera Hanamuru. He’s the cook, the cook, at the Super Highschool, Super Highschool, Super Highschool. I'M WITH STUPID (TRANSCRIPT) SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning frantically. He featherdusts SpongeBob] Patrick: NEED...FURNITURE! [makes a lamp post model out of the sand; he then makes a sand drawer, television, stool, and a couch. The whole time he is still frantically mumbling] SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? [Patrick barks like a dog and continues to clean]Hey, Patrick! Patrick: Oooooooh, sweep sweep!! SpongeBob: Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing. But I can see you're busy having an episode. Patrick: [Stops cleaning. his face turns mad] You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. [imitates SpongeBob] "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate!!!" SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. Patrick: [Patrick snaps out of being angry and starts crying] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob. You gotta to help me! SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel. Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob; it's worse. SpongeBob: Darn, I like the funnel. Well, what is it, then? Patrick: Look! [Takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button] SpongeBob: Hey, a note! [A sixteenth note is shown] Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over, there's a letter! [The letter B is shown] SpongeBob: You're right! Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents! [Hands out a smaller letter] SpongeBob: Your parents? [Reads the note out loud] "Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy". Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers. SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! [pushes Patrick's nipples and his eyes elongate]Nauuugh! Patrick: [Laughing] That always cheers me up. [His eyes go back to normal] But not today. SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is. Patrick: But don't they watch television? SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If your parents got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are! Patrick: But don't geniuses live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people. SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever! Patrick: Math is power! [Bubble transition to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror] Patrick: A, B, C, D, E, F, G... [Doorbell rings] Oh! H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O...! Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty? Patrick: W, X, Y and Z! [Marty doesn't realize the door has been opened and knocks on Patrick's head] Hi Mom, Hi Dad. Marty: Son! You recognized us this time! Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents? Marty: You never were a bright one. [Patrick groans. Marty laughs] Well, aren't you gonna show us inside? Janet: He probably forgot where it is. Patrick: Well I know where it... Marty: Oh, let me lead the way so we don't get lost. [Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands] Huh? Hold hands now! [Inside the house] Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three! [Marty and Janet let go of Patrick's hands on three] Janet: Good job! Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! [Both laugh as Patrick looks annoyed] Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. [Patrick leaves, then comes back with a tray with three drinks on it] Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must've been working all night to put these together for us. Janet and Marty: We love you! [Both kiss Patrick as he looks even more annoyed and groans] Patrick: [Doorbell rings] Hooray, the idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it! [Outside, SpongeBob is putting on his karate helmet] SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check. Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary! Gary: Meow? [Goes back to SpongeBob's house] SpongeBob: What could go wrong? [Patrick's rock opens] Patrick: What a surprise! SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Hi. Marty: Hello there! Janet: How do you do? SpongeBob: Hi. [Walks to Patrick's parents] Marty: Put 'er there. [SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand] Doll: Mama! Mama! Patrick: He means "shake". [SpongeBob shakes his entire body]No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! [SpongeBob shakes both his hands]No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. [Puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand] Grab it with only one hand! [Puts his left leg and hand down] Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! [He moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles] Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby? SpongeBob: Hi. Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house! [SpongeBob pulls up his pants and reveals a blouse]No, not your blouse! Your house! [SpongeBob screams and runs over to his house. He runs into the shell and gets stuck] Janet: He lives in a fruit? Marty: That's unhealthy. Patrick: [Giggling] Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner? [SpongeBob babbles like an idiot. Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners] Marty: Does he always do that after he eats? Patrick: Only on Wednesday. [Pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles] Marty: [Starts giggling with Patrick]Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken. Patrick: Yeah. And it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. [SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck siren sound. Makes other various sounds] Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay? Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. [Dolphin chirping] You should see him in the morning prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm rea!" [Rooster crows] He drives all the neighbors crazy! [Horn] Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was--- [SpongeBob jumps backwards over Patrick, Janet and Marty while making an elephant trumpet sound, then he crashes on the floor]. ---was really no help for him. [SpongeBob makes imprints of himself on the walls while making horn sounds] I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape! I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! [Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns]Hey, SpongeBob do you have any mascara I could borrow? [Makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands] Marty: [Chuckles] The boy wears make-up? Janet: What a card! [Everyone laughs, except SpongeBob, who's now very annoyed] SpongeBob: [Confused] Hey, Patrick! Patrick! Patrick: Aw, he said my name. Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that? [SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger] Patrick: Ow! He bit me! SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen! Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. [Janet and Marty laugh] A dumb one! [They laugh again, as SpongeBob and Patrick enter the kitchen] So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! [Patrick laughs very hard] See, that's funny. 'Cause your dumb! SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit? Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumbing them down a bit. SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! [glances at Patrick's t-shirt, "I'M WITH THE DUMMY" with an arrow pointing towards SpongeBob] Patrick: That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [Patrick drools] SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember! Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now, with your talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've caught me at a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone. SpongeBob: Ok, I will! [Takes off his helmet] Patrick: [Puts on helmet] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya! SpongeBob: [In front of Janet and Marty, clears throat] I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk, and eat, and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the lights. So what do you say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy. Marty: [laughs] Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Oh, good work, son! Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad. SpongeBob: [sputtering] But... but, but, but, but, but, but... Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man! SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [He shows them a small picture of his brain] Patrick: That must be actual size. [All laugh] SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional, watch. [Writes on Patrick's chalkboard] 2 plus 2 equals 4. Marty: Hoho, son! You taught him math too! SpongeBob:Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Marty: And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering] Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much. [SpongeBob imagines them all laughing hard. Marty and Janet look at each other and laugh; then they all do the can-can. He imagines the three popping out of SpongeBob's pores. SpongeBob is inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye. SpongeBob screams and runs through the wall outside, running all the way back home] Marty: You know, son, I've always known that when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But this guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He makes phone operators seem smart! [clears his throat] But more importantly, son, he's shown me what a sharp, quick-witted boy you've become. [Hugs him] Ha! I feel like I'm really meeting you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet? Janet: You bet, Marty! Patrick: [His eyes widen] Janet? Marty? Who are you people?! Janet: Marty! I'm scared! [Doorbell rings, then the rock opens up. Squidward, Herb and Margie are outside his rock] Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts! Patrick: Mom! Dad! Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time. Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! [Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh] Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son. Janet: Oh yeah! [Both walk away. Patrick and his parents laugh as their rock closes over them] 👀👀👍👍👍👀👀 nice 👌👌stuff 👀👀👀 ✔️thats some ™™™ nice 👨🏻 stuff 👨🏻👨🏻 ® (cool ) 👌👌👌👌👌 niiiiiiiiiii👌ce 👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌 stuff that is some nice ✔️ass✔️stuff👀 ya got there ✔️ congrats 🎉 on the nice👍👍👍STUFF👍👍👌✔️👀✔️👀 👍👍 👀✔️™ nice 👌 shut the FUCK up 👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀 bull SHIT bülł sHit 👎 thats 🚫 some bull shit👎👎 right👎👎th 👎ere👎👎👎right🚫there 🚫🚫if i do say so my self❌ i say so❌ thats fucking horrible right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ fucking ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) UGHHHHH❌ 👎👎 👎B0ОଠＯOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👎👎👎 👎 ❌ 👎 👀 👀 👀 👎👎BAD SHIT DO IT, just DO IT! Don't let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said tomorrow. So just. DO IT! Make. your dreams. COME TRUE! Just... do it! Some people dream of success, while you're gonna wake up and work HARD at it! NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, and you're not gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? ... DO IT! Just... DO IT! Yes you can! Just do it! If you're tired of starting over, stop. giving. up. >le maymay arrow is this a le new epic meme? screen kapped for dat sweet karma xD. FUS ROH DAH!!!!!1 i used to be a christmas but then i took an arrow 2 da knee :^( BAZINGA BAZINGA ZIMBABWE. top kek, toppest of keks. le nyan cat? hahahaha le mayonaise. fucking epic ass meme i love that fucking meme so much man wait let me just *gets crack pipe out* smoke some of that good 420 shit :) *rips a bong* AHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that sure hit the spot ok now repeat that fucking epic ass M E M E WHATA FUCK MAN xD i just fall of my chair cuz i couldnt and i CANT stop laughXXXXXX DDDDDD OMGOSH DDDDD XXXXX DDDDD DDDDDD LOOOOOOOLLLLL FUCKIN HOLY SHITTTT I CANT JUST STOP LAUGHING CAUSE HE HE HE HE HE JUST TO FUNNY MAN!!!1!11! GOOD MEME SORRY I MEAN GREAT MEME EPIC MEMEING /b/ro BAZINGA BAZINGA BAZINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ZIMBABWE is this a le new epic meme? screen kapped for dat sweet karma xD. FUS ROH DAH!!!!!1 i used to be a christmas but then i took an arrow 2 da knee :^( BAZINGA BAZINGA ZIMBABWE. top kek, toppest of keks. le nyan cat? hahahaha le mayonaise. fucking epic ass meme i love that fucking meme so much man wait let me just gets crack pipe out smoke some of that good 420 shit :) rips a bong AHHHHHHHHH YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that sure hit the spot ok now repeat that fucking epic ass M E M E I'm Squirting Pure Mio Water Flavoring Into My Mouth And Walking Around With Swiffer WetJets Taped To My Shoes I Don't Give A Fuck Damn About Society You Know What? I'm Going To Write A Song About How Bad I Want To Fight You, And Once It Makes A Lot Of Money, I'm Going To Buy A Plane Ticket And Come To Your House And I'm Going To Break All Of Your Electronic Devices, You God Damn Pincushion. Okay, first of all, FUCK your fandom and FUCK your bullshit fandom politics. I know you’re not going to like this but I don’t care and before you start thinking about flaming me my ask box has anonymous off so you’re going to listen to what I have to say. Monica would be a firebender, I think that’s one thing we all agree on. Now is where you’re going to hate me. Phoebe and Joey would both be airbenders. Now before you start flipping a shit let me just say this: go fuck yourself. Ross would be an earthbender and Rachel would be a waterbender. I KNOW THIS INTERFERES WITH THE SHIP. I DON’T CARE, FUCK YOUR SHIP AND FUCK YOU. And Chandler? Chandler would be a nonbender. I know it hurts but it’s true. I have watched every episode of the show and all of his actions lead me to believe the creators envisioned him as a nonbender from the start. Disagree? FUCK YOU. What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. hi every1 im new!!!!!!! holds up spork my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!! DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!! love and waffles, Getting salt from gamer boys in my inbox. Listen up turd turrets, I WANTED to just play video games, I WANTED to just have fun, I NEVER wanted my gaming to be political or a struggle, I just wanted to play. But you wouldn’t fucking let me, you brought up my gender, you judged me based on it, YOU made it political. So now I WILL wreck everything with my fucking feminism, I am the feminist nightmare you fucking created. Witness me. you guys we gotta hurry i just got back from walmart theyre selling nintendo 3DS systems for $149.99 on sale plus every time you buy one you get a $50 gift card brings the total price down to $110 after tax NOW LISTEN we can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks a piece EASY they’re all limited edition zelda ones! HURRY hurry come with me! We can be rich and also i’ll get to keep one and we can play NINTENDO GAMES nintendo give me free stuff 14 years ago ⬅️📅today⬇️, the episode 📺✨”Band Geeks”✨📯🏉🇺🇸🎸🎷🎺🎤 of spongebob🌕▫️🐙🐚🐳 👔👖🍔🍟 squarepants came out😱📡. Our hero spongebob 🌕👔◽️👖 and his squad 🐙🐞🐚🐠🐟🐬🐳🍁 valiantly turnt up 🎉💥🔥💃 the bikini bottom bubble bowl 👙💘💭🍜🏉. Send 📲 this to 1⃣4⃣ other band geeks 👓👔. if u get 5⃣ back⬅️😄, it’s sweet 🍦🍩 sweet 🎂🍪 sweet 🍫🍭 victory 🎉🎊🎆 . If u get 0⃣😩 you are a #squilliam 🐙💢👎😰 Bring Tooth Ghost Pipe Hell Tooth Man To School With You. You Have No Other Choice. Bring Him. Feed Him Lies. He Will Crush The Nonbelievers. Listen To His Voice, Do You Hear His Song, O? Does He Cry? No. He Is Laughing. He Is Only Laughing. His Voice Is Fire. His Laugh Is Thunder. His Existence Is Forever. Fear Him. Love Him. He Is In Us all. Believe. Believe. Believe My OCHIN is gigantic, O.T.N is it's abbreviation It is mainly handled with things such as △○□× it serves combined use for men and woman Recently, a portable style that disassembles became possible All kinds of OCHIN have come into circulation Remove the portable-type OCHIN, so there aren't a lot of lost cases I advise you keep the lock nice and tight Furthermore, be careful because OCHIN as a so-called sex symbol is completely different Again, the above text is completely appropriate I actually met Guy Fieri at a restaurant once - we’d accidentally been given his table. Apparently he was fond of the restaurant and had a specific table he liked, and the management had messed up and gotten their days wrong, (it was Tuesday and they thought he was coming on Thursday or something like that). Anyway, the manager, completely embarrassed (this is a pretty nice restaurant) comes by and says “I’m so sorry, but we’d like to move you to another table if you could be troubled, and we’ll gladly compensate you for the cost of the meal and any other meal you’d like while you’re in town.” My sister and cousin were both like “Yeah that’s cool.” and I kind of played the asshole a bit. “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. We’ve been here for 15 minutes - we’ve just ordered. Can’t we finish our meal here?” Then out of nowhere Guy Fieri shows up next to the manager and says “Paul, these guys can finish. We’ll be at the bar. I got some time.” And I (being a big Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives fan) said “Oh wow, uh… I had no idea. Please feel free to give them the table.” Guy was grateful, shook my hand and said thanks, then gave me a card with his number on it and told me to give him a call later. After working up the nerve, I gave him a call that night, and to make a long story short, we had a glorious 11 month love affair, man on man, that I shall never forget. Our bodies intertwined as one, and from the beauty of Morocco, to the French Riviera, to the snorkeling in the Galopagos, Guy Fieri and I made glorious gay love to each other on six of the seven continents. Our MURDERCUBE, who art intangible, hollow-pointed be your name. Thy kingdom come, Thine will be Gun, on earth, as it is in /k/ Give us this day our daily Nugget, and forgive us our 9mm vs .45 threads, as we also have forgiven our Nogunz brethren. And lead us not into Taurus, but deliver us from Kimber. For thine is the ‘PING!’-gun, The Mauser, and the Glory Forever, and ever Amen Ave Nex Alea; War is the way of Man; Man is the means of war; the Murder/k/ube allows us war; our worship is our readiness. Saluto Nex Alea. You know who/what is “on fleek?” Jesus. My Savior. My Love. My Ultimate Hero. Jesus is on fleek. The Catholic Church is on fleek. It is on point. It points us to our True North – Heaven – Jesus. Our Blessed Mother is on fleek. She is on point. Her ultimate job is to bring us to her Son – Our Savior – Our Love – Our Ultimate Hero. Thinking of the slang, “on fleek,” I started to think about as a working Catholic wife and mom, what things are on fleek in my life. I came up with a top 5: 1. Father. Son. Holy Spirit. They are on fleek. 2. My Family. So extremely grateful to be the wife and mom in my family. Straight up on point. 3. My job. Even with some of the difficulties I have balancing it with being a momma, I am extremely GRATEFUL to the Lord that He has entrusted me with this responsibility. Definitely leading to my holiness – so, yes, on fleek. 4. The faith community to which we belong. First, the Catholic faith in general – 2000 years old. So on fleek. Then, the particular parish we belong to – St. John the Baptist Catholic Church in Brusly, Louisiana. It’s a small little Cajun town right outside of Baton Rouge. The people are real, filled with love, and completely community centered. On Fleek. 5. The Saints. Those who have gone before us, filled with the Holy Spirit, the faith, and an incredibly awesome love of Christ and His precepts. They are like my “on fleek” gang of intercessors! On point, on point, on point. Мы начинаем наше космическое путешествие в те времена, когда трава была зеленее и музыка прекраснее, когда еще не было плохой музыки, дабы вернуть давно утерянную формулу хорошей музыки. Рассекая пространство и время, мы слышим звуки божественной музыки, в которой каждая нота находится на своем месте. Кажется нечто подобное испытывают люди когда слушают альбомы Sigur Ros, некое блаженное чувтсво. Это состояние невозможно описать, трудно уловить и легко потерять, но удивительно, на всем протяжении нашего путешествия оно все усиливается и усиливается. В окне иллюминатора пролетают все самые значимые музыкальные и исторические вехи в истории. Важна уже не конечная точка прибытия, а само путешествие, потому что стремление - вот самое главное в нашей жизни, достигнув определенной точки нам обязательно захочется продолжить путешествие дальше. Честно говоря я уже не знаю где мы находимся, достигли мы того самого места? И где это место? Скорее всего мы улетели намного дальше, за пределы пространства времени. Неужели мы так и не нашли формулы? неужели все напрасно? Наше путешествие - вот та самая формула, точнее одна из ее композиций, собранная из обрывков воспоминаний. Вычислить ее невозможно, но нам крупно повезло и мы стали редкими счастливчиками которым открылась одна из идеальных музыкальных композиций. Сможем ли мы когда-нибудь повторить это путешествие… возможно не скоро, но когда-нибудь обязательно, а пока нужно вернуться на землю и передать человечеству данные собранные нашими датчиками. Мы не настолько умны чтобы из полученных данных вычислить формулу, но зато у нас появилась одна из композиций сгенерированных этой идеальной формулой. Так правильно, ведь если бы человечество обладало “ключем” ни к чему хорошему это не привело бы. My baby he don't talk sweet, He ain't got much to say But he loves me loves me loves me, I know that he loves me anyway And maybe he don't dress fine, But I don't really mind 'Cause every time he pulls me near, I just want to cheer Let's hear it for the boy Let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy My baby may not be rich, He's watchin' every dime But he loves me loves me loves me, We always have a real good time And maybe he sings off key, But that's alright by me, yeah 'Cause what he does he does so well, Makes me wanna yell Let's hear it for the boy Oh, let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy 'Cause every time he pulls me near, I just want to cheer Let's hear it for the boy Oh, let's give the boy a hand Let's hear it for my baby, You know you gotta understand Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, But he's my lovin' one man show Whoa whoa whoa whoa Let's hear it for the boy Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's hear it my man (Let's hear it for the boy) (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Pull yourself together (Let's hear it for my babe) (Let's hear it for the boy) Whoa let's hear it for my boy (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's hear it for my man (Let's hear it for the boy) (Let's hear it for my babe) Let's it for my man There lived a certain man in Russia long ago He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow Most people looked at him with terror and with fear But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear He could preach the bible like a preacher Full of ecstacy and fire But he also was the kind of teacher Women would desire RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on He ruled the Russian land and never mind the Czar But the kasachok he danced really wunderbar In all affairs of state he was the man to please But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze For the queen he was no wheeler dealer Though she'd heard the things he'd done She believed he was a holy healer Who would heal her son RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on [Spoken:] But when his drinking and lusting and his hunger for power became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder. "This man's just got to go!" declared his enemies But the ladies begged "Don't you try to do it, please" No doubt this Rasputin had lots of hidden charms Though he was a brute they just fell into his arms Then one night some men of higher standing Set a trap, they're not to blame "Come to visit us" they kept demanding And he really came RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen They put some poison into his wine RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine He drank it all and he said "I feel fine" RA RA RASPUTIN Lover of the Russian queen They didn't quit, they wanted his head RA RA RASPUTIN Russia's greatest love machine And so they shot him till he was dead [Spoken:] Oh, those Russians... I had this friend who used to brag to us all the time that he could catch his cum in his mouth without fail every time he masturbated. He actually wrote down how many times he successfully did it. 327. I’ll never forget that number. And every day at school, he would talk about this. It was always during lunch my sophomore year of high school, too..so it was extremely unnecessary. He used to always try to demonstrate his techniques with packets of mayonnaise but we’d always threaten to move tables so he’d stop. He was really one of those people who needed attention constantly. Aside from those times at lunch, he was a completely normal dude. Like…even after class we’d ask him about that stuff and be like “dude, what was with that cum stuff at lunch,” and he’d always look at us like we were crazy and say “what the hell are you talking about?” I’ll never forget that classmate. His great personality will always be remember but his perplexing obsession with catching his own ejaculate in his mouth will live on forever at my previous high school. He was a one of a kind guy. His name was Norman Reedus. Don't u ever ever fucken send me any thing like this again. U r so ignored. U will be so sorry one day. But u don't even know it yet. That pride of yours u think u know everything but u know shit. Your have really pissed me off. One day u will say. Wow Mom was right but it will be to late for u then. Fucken no all. I will not help u with ur hair or anything else so done ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to throw u out off my property. You r the most disrespectful little bitch I know. Don't ever disrespect my 'Lord' to me again. U and Chris will be able to talk to each other in Hell. Hey nightcore-ers. This is Mod Angel. Recently I have gone through a complete change of lifestyle and want to be referred to Mod Priscilla Valkyrie the Fallen Angel. Anyways, I’ve decided that nightcore isn’t enough so I will also be posting breakcore and dubstep remixes that sound nightcorey Yep. This right here is probably one of the best things I've ever heard. Honestly, it is. Every song i listen to now in my waking moments is nightcore remixes, full albums especially but its hard to find mixes for them all so sometimes i speed things up myself, I admit, because I just really like it so much better when its sped up 3000x. I usually do it in my offtime and it also helps me be more creative and inventive in my musical style as an artist. It really adds something different to the music and makes it so much better. So yeah. That's my two cents as a proud nightcore listener/artist

#text post #rin rambles

3 notes · View notes

humanityinahandbag · 7 years

Text

Frustrated

Or: Sam likes Max, Max likes Sam, and The Geek Needs to actually get work done, so they need to resolve something stat.

AKA: The one with the date

I am woefully late in finishing up a long overdue prompt for @thewittyarsonist for Zootopia, which I am hard at work on! But then the opportunity struck for something to give in the meantime, and I had to take it! Based on this absolutely hysterical (and really awesome) piece of art! Check it out. I couldn’t stop laughing. And then one thing led to another and I slipped this 13 page monster out between study sessions.

For those who don’t know Sam and Max, you probably should. And that’s not advice for story reading. That’s just life advice. Go watch it. Witty got me hooked. So now I’m gonna get you guys on it, too. It’s brilliant. So go watch.

(The prompt was Frustrated. So Witty, you’re getting the same prompt for this, and then the other for Zootopia! You’re getting it all!)

(side note, this was impossible to write because if you’ve ever watched the show you’d know that dialogue, among many other things, is fucking insane. But that was part of the fun.)

Sam says “glad to have you around” like it doesn’t mean anything. And maybe it doesn’t. He says everything like that. The weather's good today. How about those Mets. Intergalactic cheese wranglers have stolen the world's supply of gouda. Pass the milk.

So when he says “glad to have you around” while he slaps a hand against Max’s back, it hard not to feel...

What’s the word?

Max reaches through his limitless supply of Seussian diction and pulls out “frustrated”, which is as mundane as it gets. But there it is.

Frustrated.

He’s frustrated.

“Whatever you say, Sam,” he chirps, loading the bazooka and flicking the switch in their car to open the sunroof. “Now, you gonna give me a lift, or am I gonna have to vault out’a this car by myself?”

Sam lets go of the wheel and laces his hands together, their car hurtling over the cliff side. Oh, the Geek was going to fucking kill them for this one, but they’d survived worse than a perilous plunge and an angry adolescent. “You sure you wanna go out like this so early? You haven’t even had your coffee!” Granted, their coffee was now somewhere down in the depths of a rock quarry after the third spin. But Sam always packed a french press under the passenger seat in case mid-hurtle cappuccinos were needed.

Still.

It’s stupid and it’s little and they’re flying through the air, spinning around in what is essentially a glorified Campbell’s soup can, but the mundanity of the small show of care leaves Max once more regarding the word frustration with a certain level of ire. And through the smoke and the gasoline he can just catch glimpses of that safe smile and eyes. God, his partner was practically built for trust. So he puts his left foot into Sam’s waiting palms. “Save me a cup.”

Sam nods and grins and shifts for better velocity. “What floor?”

When he returns, a little crisped and smelling like burned popcorn, Sam passes him a towel from somewhere and slaps him on the back. “You know, Max,” he says. “You’re just amazing. I could kiss you sometimes!” He laughs hard. “I have! Remember that?”

Max rubs his face hard against the towel and wonders if long, drawn out frustrated screams would be at all noticed.

He remembers.

It’s the little things that bother Sam, who is very aware that his position in their partnership is the level headed and reasonable one. And that despite his many acts of quick violence and rabbit throwing, he still holds that title, and he holds it well.

But he can’t be level-headed about this.

Not when Max is on his knee in front of a crowd of man-eating bananas brought to life by some undercover government experiment they’ve been called to stop (and the Geek had gracefully ducked out- claiming a certain amount of repugnance for the whole thing: if I can’t tell you for sure if they’re berries or fruit then I’ll be too busy wracking my brain to do much else!), stretching out his hand and smiling a serrated smile through flashy, freshly sharpened teeth.

“Marry me, Sam!” he says, a free hand to his chest. “Marry me, and make me the happiest chemical experiment to ever come out of a test tube!”

Sam swallows. They’ve played this game before.

It just gets harder to play each time.

He’s...

(perturbed)

(embittered)

(tabefactioned)

He searches through his formally educated brain for the word and somehow can only come up with frustrated. Which is a dumb word. He’s so many other things. But frustrated rises to the top, suffocating and separate as oil, and he slips in it.

“Oh Max,” he plays along, wondering if the sincerity leaked through. “There’s nothing I’d like better.”

A few of the bananas began to weep, a few others distracted by the fanfare. And the ones that weren’t were clogged in their pursuit by the crowd of cheering fruit/berries.

Sam would choose then to throw Max, who’s teeth went to work sawing away at whatever he could, while Sam grabbed a blender from his infinitely packed pockets and went to work.

“Ain’t it great, Sam!” Max asks him later while they watch the sunset sitting atop the fallen bananas and their brethren. The air is smelling a little foul, and the stuff under them is beginning to ripen and squelch, and eventually they’ll need to explain to the commissioner why there’s a pile of desecrated banana skins sitting in the middle of the freeway (and the traffic at rush hour was going to be insane- he’d have to remember to drive up the I-90 instead and hope that the remaining drivers heard the news about the great fruit/berry/TBD massacre before taking to the road). But for now, Sam leans back against a few lumped up banana peels. “The two of us, workin’ together like that!” Max reaches down and grabs a hunk of banana, biting in. “‘oo ah’ too goo’ too me,” he says between bites.

Sam fiddles with his tie. “Uh huh.”

Max swallows. “And talk about quick thinking! I thought you were about to say our vows! Your acting is just-“ he chef kissed, throwing his hand out. “Stupendous! A real slay! Get it?”

“Uh huh.” Sam stood. “We should get back. Geek’s gonna wanna hear the whole thing.”

Yeah. Frustrated was a good enough word.

The Geek is... in her limitless intelligence and infinite access of sources, she can only come up with one thing: fucking pissed.

But frustrated works too.

She’d always been a floater of sorts. Belonging to no one and pretending like it didn’t bother her. She’d had foster parents before, and she’d most likely have them again should her latest ones perish, fall victim to their own stupidity, get lost in home depot, or get tired of her.

The latter usually won out.

But never before had she ever had foster parents who were this completely stupid. Living in the same place, eating at the same times, throwing one another like hand grenades through the air, and yet neither could seem to get a grasp on the fact that one was hopelessly in love with the other.

“How do you get married twice,” she mumbles into the mirror while she brushes her hair, “and still not actually figure shit out-“

“Language!” says Sam, who was passing by the bathroom to collect Uranium from the supply closet.

She mutters something else before reaching for her toothbrush. Sam walks past again, Uranium in one hand, a bag of skittles in the other. “Hey. You good?”

“Sure. There are nuclear rats in my closet, but other than that-“

“I can’t tell if you’re just being sarcastic to spite me.“

“Sarcastic,” she affirms. Then: “Well. The rats are real. But they were a good placeholder for sarcasm.”

He rolls his eyes and adjusts his hat. “I’ll get Max to take care of them.”

“Don’t! Last time he did that I couldn’t get the smell out for weeks.”

“Well, I’ll tell him to be more careful. Have a little confidence, won't you?”

She mutters “god... just marry him already” into her toothpaste and he pops his head back in.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Could have sworn you just said I should marry Max.”

The Geek shrugs, says “you said it, not me,” and starts on her molars.

Sam leaves in thoughtful silence.

It’s the Geeks idea.

Well... not wholly her idea. She won't let Max think it was her idea. He’s like that sometimes. Max: the overenthusiastic dreamer. Sam: the all too intelligent unintelligent anthropomorphic bustler.

But she’s really the one behind it all.

“You seem alone,” she says one day, fiddling with the engine in their car.

Max, who was busy pulling all his best dresses from the glove compartment in search of a burger, looked out the window and over at her. “Huh?”

“I said you seem alone.” Her hands were covered in grease. She’s a better conversationalist when her hands are covered in car grease. It eases the tension of trying to be normal. “Have you ever thought of going on a date.”

Max blinked. “A date? With who!”

“A girl. You should meet a girl.”

“You’re a girl.”

“A girl your age.”

“What’s my age?”

Darla concedes that she doesn’t know. Still: “Someone adult or something.” When he wrinkled his nose she said “they don’t need to be normal! Just adult. Find someone who’s got seven fingers or someone who only eats glass or something. But find someone who eats glass and has an insurance card.”

“Insurance is for the weak!”

“You get what I mean. Someone who has a rewards card or two in their wallet and eats cereal out of real bowls instead of deflated footballs.”

“Sounds feisty!” He pulled out a washcloth of a tight blue dress and held it out, admiring the way the sequins sparkled under the chemical emissions. “But why do I need a girl?”

“To date.”

“Why do I need to date?”

“So you won't be alone!” She looks down at the engine and says, “and you... can maybe bring Sam along. On a date.”

Oh, she got him then.

She got him good.

The gears that he reserves mostly for wildly unimaginable schemes and harmoniously planned multi-purpose disasters. Romance must have counted as one of them. The Geek hoped the former. Guessed the latter. “Interesting.” He holds down the ’s’ when he says it, hissing a long, long second. “I suppose that someone of my... cultured wiles needs to be shared.”

“Exactly.”

“And the internet is a vast and fruitful place. There’s gotta be a way to find all sorts to go out on a- what day is it?”

“Tuesday.”

“Well, that settles it! Only freaks go out on Tuesday nights, and I’m lookin’ for the freakiest!” He hopped out the window, dress still in tow. “You think I should wear this?”

“I think you should stop messing with my car or give me a hand.”

He reaches up and pats her head while he passes. “Add some boosters, will you? Last time we crashed there could have been more pizazz.”

As luck would have it, finding three women was easier than to be expected. Especially when those three women were attached at the hip.

“They call themselves a BLT,” says Max, showing the Geek the picture.

She squints. “Beautiful Ladies in Tandem?”

“Bitches Living Together.” He snorts. “What a crude trial of triplets! I adore them already!”

“And you got a date with them?”

“I did!” He waved the printout around. He’d found them on craigslist. Not as if they’d been actually advertising on craigslist. More like, he’d started bidding for a lot of vintage landmines and they were the only other taker. So with some searching (and a few hours of illegal activity in which two different branches of the NSA were bribed with a false promise of information about who knows what), he managed to get a name and an email.

They’d responded back only three minutes and twenty-seven seconds after he’d reached out.

BLT: It’s odd, one of them (or all of them, Max wasn’t sure how it worked) replied. Not many people reach out for dates unless they want something.

Max: Just the company of a lovely lady.

BLT: That’s what they always say.

Max: No. Really. And you can trust me. I’m an unauthorized scientific mutation of the most unmistakable screw-up!

(Which is true in more than one way.)

(That being: Sam is not pleased.)

“I don’t want a date,” he grumps.

“But Sam!” Max follows him around, twisting through the pernicious jungle they found themselves in. The Commissioner lost his keys again, somewhere next to the swamp of doom and the valley of certain maiming, and their mission had gotten them air hauled out the back of a commercial airline and into said jungle, they now larked through. Well... Max larked. Sam sort of trounced.

Max had told him the news on the way down, sometime after they’d reached three thousand feet.

By one thousand feet, Sam was sulking.

“I don’t want a date,” he said again.

“You’ve always wanted to date!”

“Since when.”

“Since you were born this heart haltingly handsome!”

It doesn’t work, and Sam brushes past a few more vines.

“Aw, c’mon, Sam! Give a rabbit a break! I got bitten by at least three different kinds of mosquito back there.” He shook out his arm for emphasis. “I might die soon, and your last words to me would be, I won't go out with you.”

“I won't go out with you,” says Sam.

“Aw SaAam!”

“No’s a no!”

“Why.”

There’s frustration on both sides here, and it chisels an almost permanent admission against the space between. Max smiles up at Sam. Sam glares down at Max. They both hollow out their chests to try and not grasp too hard onto what they want to say-

“Fine.” Too close. It was easier than three words. One word is always better than three. “I’ll go on the stupid date.”

Whether or not he expected the walls to fall, Max can’t blame them for staying strong. His are impenetrable. He was made that way. And he’ll blame it on white coats until the day he withers away; nothing but a great body in a (most likely) great dress (he has one picked for the funeral already and it is to. die. for.) in a world full of batshit crazy.

“That’s the spirit!” says Max, who chooses those three words over any other. “It’s tomorrow. So we can’t die today.”

“I hope we do.”

Max clucks his tongue. “Last one to find the keys pays for drinks!”

They were set to meet at 8:30 in that little Italian joint a few blocks over. The Geek refused to let him take the car, and so the two of them walked, waving to random kids who recognized them from Nietzsche-esque class trips or some daily newsreel.

“Can’t believe you got us a date,” Sam kept saying.

Max shuffled along, stomping on acorn caps. “Yup,” he said. “A date. For us.”

“I’m not happy with it.”

“Sure you’re not.” That twisting feeling came back again, and Max stomped especially hard on an extra sharp cap. Somehow the little pinch at his ribs won out. “But it’s about time you did!”

The girls, as it turns out, are lovely. In that we would kill you if it were Wednesday but it’s Tuesday sort of way. Max reaches a hand over his head and waves it back and forth like a faulty windshield wiper. “Girls! Oh girls! Yoohooo!”

The three girls look their way before leaning back into their limited space, chattering quietly.

Sam leans over and hisses “You found us conjoined twins.”

“It fit into our line of work.”

“How did we go from two girls to three!”

“The more the merrier.”

He pulls down his hat. “There is nothing about this that I like right now.”

“Buck up!”

“I’ll never let you live this down.”

“You’ll have fun!”

“This will be the worst night of my life.”

“I brought lip-gloss! Would lip-gloss help?” He smacked his own lips. “It’s cherry flavored.”

Sam went quiet a moment, considering something. And then sulked again. “I,” he mumbles, “can think of at least six different problems I have with this arrangement.”

Max waves at the girls again, locks his jaw, smiles, and says “We’re joined at the hip. I thought it would be best to date people like us” through his teeth before actually opening his mouth and saying “so glad you could make it!”

Sam just grunts.

The middle of eyes the rabbit up and down, one thin brow raised nearly to her hairline. “You thought we wouldn’t?” The triplet to her right sniffs and pokes the air with her nose.

“Nah. Just though we might not. Never know in a job like ours!” He holds onto the edge of the booth and wiggles up. “Now! How about we look at that menu!”

Max is the perfect gentleman. He only burps twice, only spills two glasses of wine onto passing waiters (red, always red), and laughs at all the right moments when the girls speak.

He spends most of the time trying to get Sam to laugh along.

To his credit, Sam isn’t rude. He’s sullen. Which some could argue is the same, but those someones have never had a date with three women and their frustratingly adored sidekick before. So.

The girl to the left takes his paw at one point and leans her front down on the table, taking the middle girl down with her just a squeeze. “I’ve never met a police officer before. Not like this. What is it that you do exactly?”

“Solve crime.”

Her face drops. “Oh. I was under the impression- I mean. Well, Max told us that it was a little bit more than just that.”

“It is,” Max strains, giving Sam an elbow to the kidney that’s just a little too hard. “Right, Sam?”

The larger of the two sips his wine. “Sure.”

“What he means to say, girls, is that we deal with threats of a tremendous tenacity! Aliens with craniums the size of Utah. Misshapen malamutes the size of Utah.” He throws his hands up, nearly spilling glass number three. “At one point we just fought Utah! The most permissive of states!”

“Very interesting,” says Right.

“Intriguing,” says Middle.

Left bats her eyes and sighs, “divine. I wish I could see that.”

“Well, we usually allow visitors, so long as you carry your own protective headgear and sign our complimentary waver. Ain’t that right, Sam?”

Sam grunts.

The night moves on like that for a while. Sam watches the time flicker by. He watches Max talk on and on about new and exciting things. He watches the girl to the left, the girl to the right, the girl in the middle-

The girl in the middle watches him.

Sam squints at her.

She squints back. Looks at him. Looks at Max. Looks at him again. He can almost see her thinking, eyes flashing a sort of mania he usually only sees in the eyes of subterranean squids.

“You know,” she says, cutting Max off in the middle of yet another retelling of his best crashes. “I think the three of us need to skedaddle home.”

Max falters mid-explanation, his hand in a little demonstration of the angle the car hit the side of the 14th-century gothic church. For a moment (the barest, smallest, breaths of a moment) Sam swears he sees panic. But then it’s gone. And he’s back to himself, crossing his arms and kicking his feet up against the. table until the salt shakers quaked. “So soon?” The rabbit tilts his head. “The night is young!”

“We have work in the morning. And, by the sound of it, so do you!”

He nods sagely. “You’re right. The freelance police never do sleep.” Wiggling off the booth, he salutes the table. “I’m just gonna go powder my nose.”

it’s only when he’s gone, slipping past a few waiters and tripping more of them on his way towards the bathroom, that Sam says, “What was that about?”

“Oh! Look at that! He speaks!” The middle sister snorted. “Some conversationalist you are!”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“As if I need to.” She rolled her eyes. Her sisters nodded along. “It’s pointless to be here. This isn’t going anywhere anyway.”

“Totally stale,” says Left.

“A real burnout,” says Right.

“Well- well you don’t know that! You know, under all that thick padding and grade A steel and elastic he’s really a sweet guy.”

“Yeah. But that sweet guy isn’t ours to take.” She and her sisters coordinate getting out of the booth and stand, adjusting their skirt. “He’s not available. So there’s no point.”

“He isn’t taken.”

She snorts and throws her head just so. “Yes, he is.” Left slips a hand into their purse and takes out three dollars, folding them neatly and handing them to Right, who leaves them on top of the sugar packets in the center. “A tip for the waiter. And a tip for you. Try to maybe go on a date without a moderator sometime. That isn’t our job.”

They leave.

Sam feels like he wants to vomit.

Or maybe just eat another half a pizza.

He orders a pizza to-go and picks it up before Max gets back. Apparently, he’d decided that the bathroom needed a powdering too. “They’re going to love the new color scheme,” he whispered to Sam. “Those last ones were too muted. Really did nothing for the place.”

Sam hums.

They end up finding a random car on the way home and sit on the roof, fishing anchovy pineapple pizza slices out of the box and throwing the onions at squirrels.

The frustration gets a little tighter.

“So that date was a bust,” says Max.

“Yeah.” Because this is stupid and I think I’d rather just go out with you instead of three random chicks you found online-

“They didn’t even stay for desert! And I was gonna break out my armpit rendition of moonlight sonata!”

“Mmm.” I would have listened because I always listen, and if you’d just say something before I did then maybe this would work better, because I’m a big fat coward who carries a loaded gun in nearly every orifice of my person and somehow still can’t say what’s driving me nutso-bananas and that’s not about to change-

“But they just got up and ditched us like the broads they-“

Yeah because the didn’t think you’d be interested in you because- “They think you love me?”

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck-

He did not mean to say that out loud.

Or did he?

Sam shoves a half a pizza slice into his mouth and looks away.

Max looks like he wants to drop his jaw. But he just stares. It’s much worse. “You...”

“Sorry,” says the dog. “Sorry, just forget I said that. Slip of the old tongue, buddy. Left my mouth somewhere else tonight, if you know what I mean!” Except it isn’t that. It isn’t, and they both know that. And at some point or another, they’re going to have to face it. Because they practically live together. They work together every day. Their lives depend on one another. And he isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to throw Max across a canyon again if he can’t even look the rabbit in the eye so-

“That’s why they left.” The admission is a slow one, and he says it mostly to the anchovy that’s half buried under a thick grease track of cheese. “The date. They thought that we were dating. Thought we were just stringing them along.” He laughed sourly. “Funny, right?”

Max doesn’t laugh. Max doesn’t do much at all. He looks down at his greasy fingers and says nothing. Which isn’t Max. Max is supposed to brush off all this stupid shit and laugh with him. And maybe even punch his shoulder and say you got me! But he doesn’t.

Fuck.

How is he going to explain to the commissioner that he ruined the best team up corporate never had because of one little admission of undying affection. He won't, that’s how. Because he’s going to fix this all.

He starts, trying to erase everything he’s started behind the obvious and the benign. “Look. Max. I’m sorry I ruined your date-“

“Are we?”

“Are we what?”

“Dating?” And whatever he was trying to fix, Max effectively stonewalled.

Sam swallows. He wants to say no. Because that’s what he’s supposed to say, he’s sure. But instead: “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Huh,” says Max.

He’s faced killer scorpions and giant brains and once he’d even faced down the school board with only minimal terror, but the bravest thing he ever does is look up from his greasy hands and say “would you like to?”

Sam doesn’t know.

But he does.

Actually, fuck that. He sure as shit does.

The Geek is more than pleased. Things are better in the lab. Less frustrating. The weird vibe between them, a mix of something between butane gas and cottage cheese, had started to really mess with her work space, and it was better to have relative peace again.

If relative peace was Sam throwing Max at a dartboard to see if his ears would stick.

“Guys,” she snaps, “I’m actually trying to call the President of France here-“

“Sorry, sorry!” Sam lumbers across the room and helps Max from where he had, successfully, stuck. “Just waiting on orders from the Commissioner! New case apparently! Somewhere deep in the bowels of the sewer system.”

“Literally,” cackles Max, straightening his ears. “Bowels.”

“Okay, but can you do it quietly.”

They both give her okay signs and slip off to the car to wait for orders. It doesn’t pass her by when one lends the other a nudge, a hip bump, a whisper. She connects her headset and looks away, glancing just once more when Sam opens the door for Max and bowing low. There’s a lighthearted humor around his face. He looks younger.

The image is not long for the world before normality slips back into place with Sam passing Max a preloaded glock, a freshly steamed one-shouldered red number, and an energy drink.

The screen flashes on. “Oh! Mrs. President! How are you? I’m fine. Fine. No, sorry for not calling you back yesterday. There was just some... frustrating stuff. But it’s all sorted now. So what did you want me to do about that national bank of yours?”

#sam and max: freelance police #oops #my hand slipped #and by slipped #I mean wrote a 13 page story #sorry #it's sort of a mess #but I'm PROUD of this mess!#it's like a golden trash pile!

203 notes · View notes

elevatephoto · 6 years

Text

Gina + Jake | The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park Wedding Photos

It was sunset and the moon was huge as the sky turned soft pinks, oranges and blue. Gina asked me what makes my favorite weddings. Is it the people, the location, the style, the plan of the day? I told her it is a mix of all of those but the people always come first and where that is the case her and Jake were winning. In reality, this wedding was awesome. It had everything. It all starts with the people. Gina and Jake are one of a kind. They are snarky and funny, they are real and raw, they are sweet and lovable. They have it all. I feel comfortable around them and happy. I believe in love when I am with them.

When I see Gina and Jake together I see two incredible individuals who are different yet share the same heart, world and dreams. Over the last 6 years they have forged a bond that is unstoppable. Their sense of humor will take them through all the hard times. Their real and grounded outlook on life will keep them growing with each other, sharing their vulnerabilities and loves each day. Their sweetness will keep the romance alive. This is the kind of love we all strive for. It is well rounded and still exciting. In fact, I am pretty sure it gets more exciting every day. These two people are the couple that will live the saying “Let this day [your wedding day] be the day you love each other the least.”.

So you take that and add in a beautiful and unique location, good food, music, people who want to dance and party and an ice cream bar and you pretty much have magic. Yes, The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park itself is pretty phenomenal. The unique rustic two story barn filled with stunning stained glass and market lights as if it needed added ambiance. Jim ‘N Nicks’ Bar-B-Q hit it out of the park with their mac and cheese and collard greens. Then the cherry on top was literal with Little Man Ice Cream. YUM!

The events filled in the rest of the space that made is so great. Everyone had their own unique song down the aisle. Jake came in to Kenny Chesney’s “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” and Gina and her dad danced their way down the aisle. We wandered the property with the most perfect day. It was slightly crisp but sunny and warm. The sunset was out of this world with what looked like a big glowing harvest moon. Their were bets on who would get more cake in their face. Jake lost, of course. The line dancing started with Jake and Gina’s perfectly choreographed first dance.

Yes, folks. It had everything to make it one of my favorite weddings. Now, do I pick favorites… of course not! But lets just say this one will make me smile for a long, long time!

Congrats Jake and Gina. You deserved the best wedding ever and well, your marriage is going to mirror it for sure!

–Katie

A shout out to all the incredible vendors who made the day possible:

Venue // The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park

Catering // Jim ‘N Nicks Bar-B-Q

Hair // Shear Elegance by Tawny

Dress // Luv Bridal

Make-up // Magnifica Bella, Elite Beauty

Dessert // Little Man Ice Cream

Photography // Elevate Photography

DJ // A Music Plus

Starting the day with beautiful stained glass at The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park.

Both bride and groom had their own suites to get ready in.

Lacing up the bride Gina’s sweetheart cut strapless beaded wedding gown.

Gina made all the flowers. They were wooden boutonnieres and bouquets.

Groom waiting for his bride amongst the rustic wagon wheels.

First look in the trees outside the barn.

Full wedding party in raspberry and gray.

The groom and groomsmen had a rustic wedding chic with their vests and jeans.

Beautiful bride at The Barn at Evergreen.

Custom made art for their unity ceremony of tying the knot.

The bride danced down the aisle with her dad and had the whole crowd giggling.

Ceremony site at The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park.

Wedding vows.

Photos including the beautiful barn, trees and rustic space around the property.

View of barn from afar.

Our hipster wedding photos with the rustic wagon wheels.

Every brides dream is to spin in her wedding dress.

Overlooking the lake and the mountains in Evergreen.

Cornhole as a wedding guest book

There were bets on who was going to get more cake in their face.

Line dancing inside the barn.

Gina + Jake | The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park Wedding Photos was originally published on Denver Wedding Photographers - Elevate Blog

#colorado mountain wedding #colorado wedding #Colorado Wedding Photographer #Colorado Wedding Photos #Cowboy boots #Denver Wedding Photographer #Evergreen Wedding Photographer #Mountain wedding #mountain wedding photographer #Raspberry bridesmaids #red #Rustic Chic #rustic wedding #The Barn at Evergreen Memorial Park #wooden flowers

0 notes

3one3 · 7 years

Text

The Sequel - 847

No Secrets

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Should we wake him up for ice cream or no?”

“No. His little tummy is already sticking out and if we pump him full of sugar now he won’t go back to sleep when we get back.”

“Can you move the dish closer?”

Christina unfolded her legs from the bench cushion and nudged a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream closer to André, who couldn’t reach it from the end of the table because of the small child passed out on his shoulder. Lukas ate a whole slice of kale and sausage pizza and then lapsed into a coma. The busy beach cafe atmosphere and slightly too-loud music were not enough to keep him awake. They stumbled upon a pirate ship playground between where The Fonz dropped them with the launch and the restaurant Christina found on Google on the island next to the nature park. It had slides, and bouncy dolphins to ride, a plank to walk and then jump off into the sand, rope ladders, a bird’s nest to climb up to and sit in, a big wheel to turn, flags to hoist, and ropes to swing from. Lukas exhausted himself, and so did his mom. She loved a good pirate ship play set. André had to drag them both away to eat.

“Did you text Georgina to send someone to come get us?” he asked between cold, creamy, minty spoonfuls of dessert.

“Yes. I don’t know if I can walk to the dock though,” his girl grimaced. She wasn’t eating the ice cream. “I should have skipped the coconut shrimp. Nobody needs to eat pizza, salad, and fried shrimp.”

“Yeah but you look cute when your tummy sticks out too,” he winked. It was the umpteenth thing she’d done that he found unconventionally cute since they got together in Cannes. They’d been busy since the afternoon, so the tension of the uncomfortable conversation in the shallows moved out with the tide. It was very easy to forget problems when he could do things like watch Christina play pirates with Lukas, and it was easy for her to forget problems when she could do things like watch Lukas sleep on him. Cute dad things were her kryptonite. Instead of looking at her sleepy, sun-kissed son drool on her handsome, sun-kissed partner and fretting over what would happen if she left him for his ex-teammate and necessarily split father from son, she just became immune to the existence of the possibility. The quandary disappeared as long as the scene persisted. “Sure you don’t want some ice cream? It’s good.”

“Positive. I want the couch.” She rubbed her stomach through her loose tank, and turned her lower lip over to pout about her discomfort. Really she just wanted to hurry the footballer up. It was late, the baby needed to be put down for the night, and she needed the satisfaction of the day being over- that wonderful feeling that ensued after taking her bra off for the day, switching from cutoff denim shorts to softer, stretchier ones, and putting her head on some part of her partner.

“I want the crib for this one,” André snorted. “My arm is cramping.”

“Yeah but you look cute too,” Christina winked back.

“I’ll ask you how much that matters to you next time he falls asleep on you and you go numb.”

“Hey, I told you not to let him sit with you! I told you he has to learn to accept staying in the highchair.”

“But he makes that face! He does the same little sad person thing you do to me when you want something, and I literally cannot say “no”. I’m incapable,” he argued. Just wait until he’s old enough to understand the power he wields, he thought. Then they’ll double-team me. “Dad, Mom and I want to build a go-kart track at the house.” “Dad, Mom and I want to go to Disneyland for a week.” “Dad, Mom and I want snowboarding lessons!” I should just give them all the money now.

“In that case, can we go now? Can we get a to-go thing for your ice cream?” The rider made the compelling face he was talking about, and he immediately and dramatically surrendered his spoon and folded his napkin. “I was just kidding,” she laughed. “You can finish it.”

“I’ve had enough. I’m less cute with a fat tummy. You have to carry the diaper bag though.”

Christina reminded him to look after Dave when he got up. The pony was held precariously to his chest by Lukas’ little hand, and there was no guaranteeing that it was secure. He still managed to hold her hand on the way back to the boat though. It was her left one in his right, and the grip was loose and lackadaisical- so much so that he could attempt to spin the engagement ring on her finger. “Attempt” being the operative word as her fingers were bigger in the heat and humidity and thus the ring more snug. The whole ring thing was rather apropos.

While in Miami and riding the long-lasting high of winning the DFB Cup, Marco pondered giving marriage a second go. He told the group of guys that he was thinking of asking Zoe to marry him, again. There were endless jokes about how close he’d get to an actual wedding, let alone through a ceremony and into an actual marriage. Still, he stopped a couple of times to look at rings whenever they walked by a jewelry store. At some point he asked André about wedding bands. Specifically, he inquired as to whether his teammate got a curved one for Christina to accommodate the large setting on her engagement ring or if he didn’t bother since her sapphire and diamonds were more of a rectangle together than a round shape that would fit nicely into a curved band on the same finger. His teammate had to tell him that he never actually got his wife a wedding band, which jogged Marco’s memory. He helped him pick out his own band right in Locarno, the day before the ceremony. That got André thinking.

He had an anniversary coming up. It sounded almost ludicrous to him to entertain the idea of surprising Christina with an after-the-wedding band given the rocky nature of their marriage of late, and yet he couldn’t get it out of his head. For years he hated that people probably got the wrong idea when they saw him wearing a wedding band and her wearing an engagement ring. He thought it looked like two people cheating on their significant others together. And he hated hearing her have to explain to people that she didn’t have a wedding band. It made their wedding sound like some cheap, shotgun thing. He almost wanted to ask her if such a gift could be an appropriate token for their anniversary, because he was afraid it would put too much pressure on her, or be too presumptuous. That it could be actually made him pretty angry, but still, the thought persisted. On the reverse side of that same coin, giving her a ring could show her he was all in, that he wasn’t giving up, and that she was still his. His instincts told him she wouldn’t necessarily appreciate that though. Asking in advance would ruin some of the romance, he reasoned. So the belated wedding band gift idea lingered as an unanswered, multi-part question. And that was totally discounting the most difficult question of all- which one to get.

“Did he go right to sleep?” Christina asked before a sleepy yawn when he reconvened with her on the fly bridge after putting the baby down for the night. He had to hold him on his shoulder the whole way back to the boat.

“Yeah. What are you drinking? And are you really that cold up here?” he questioned because she had a crewneck sweatshirt on and a blanket over her legs on the daybed.

“Pink grapefruit juice, soda water, lime, and a splash of vodka, and yes. It’s windy. Hurry- get under the blanky before you freeze.” The rider blinked innocently at her partner and conveyed the opposite of innocence, though he wasn’t entirely sure she meant to.

“Can I try?” He bent down to take a sip from the tall straw in her plastic cup once he stretched out beside her. Her cocktail was painfully sour. “That’s not a good bedtime drink, pretty girl. That’s something you should have at brunch, to wake up.”

“It’s cutting all the heavy food in my stomach. I wanna talk to you and if I don’t do something about the giant block of cheese and bread in there, I’ll have to fall asleep like the Munchkin.”

“Uhoh.” His heart sank.

“Wha-oh?”

“”I want to talk” never goes well for me.”

“Oh, babe, no,” Christina hurried to reply reassuringly. “I don’t mean it that way! I mean I want to talk about anything. I just mean I want to stay up.”

“Okay. You had me worried, Prinzessin. I thought about earlier, and-“

“No. Never mind earlier. I’m sorry I get like that sometimes. I don’t want to.” Her eyes dropped to her drink, and her sadness made André sad too. Watching her struggle as much with herself as anything else for months and months wore on him almost as much as experiencing it firsthand did to her.

“You don’t have to apologize. I asked you to talk to me instead of ignoring how you feel, or keeping it to yourself. It’s fine. Do you need that pillow?” He pointed at a big square cushion behind her legs, and used it with two others to make a nice ramp to recline on. Not two whole seconds after he committed to a position on it did his girl move in for snuggles, and to use him as a table for her cup. “Good?”

“Always.”

“What shall we talk about?”

“Can we go to Ibiza on the 29th?”

“What for?” How random.

“To see Above & Beyond at Cream.”

“Ohhhh,” the player laughed. “So when you said you want to talk about “anything” you meant you want to discuss plans for your second Mediterranean holiday.”

“Well, I mean, among other things,” Christina argued, defensive. “Do you want to go dance to trance with me? We could meet the boat there. I blacked out that week when we were still talking about sailing to Cascais instead of flying.”

“Wouldn’t you rather go with your girlfriends?” André was wincing above her head. He had no intention of going anywhere near a trance music event in Ibiza, and was surprised his wife even wanted to go. Normally she hated crowded, trendy, cliché scenarios such as that one. Many times he heard her question why anyone would want to party in Ibiza with a million kids on drugs and the world’s most overplayed DJ’s at the world’s most overpriced venues.

“Which girlfriends would those be?”

“I don’t know. Stefanie? Nat? Zoe would probably like that. It’s not really my thing, Prinzessin,” he told her apologetically. “You know I can’t stand that music. I don’t know how any sober person can stand it.”

“Is it okay if I ask Juan, then?” the Cannes Grand Prix winner questioned tentatively while spreading condensation from her drink around on his shirt. Her theory was that spreading the water around would prevent a more concentrated and thus noticeable puddle. “Stef is showing in Paris and Nat can’t leave Eden to fend for himself with the broken ankle. I don’t think she’d be down for this anyway.”

“I guess. Better he has to listen to that than me,” her pillow and table and coaster shrugged. He meant it too. He didn’t want to go, and Juan was the only go-to friend his wife had left.

“Mkay.” She was quiet for a minute and had some more of her sour drink. She knew André couldn’t love the idea of her spending time with Juan again so soon, but he was also believable when he gave his consent. All sorts of ideas sprang up. He wanted me to go to the beach house with him anyway. I could totally fly to him in Mallorca on Wednesday morning, have the boat meet us AT HIS HOUSE, sail over to Ibiza during the day on Thursday, party all night, sleep on the boat, and go back to the house on Friday. I’ll go home Saturday. Then I’m still in Ahlenburg for like 6 days and 7 nights. That’s plenty of time to ride and, like, be with boyfriend. He can’t even complain that I don’t need to be with Juanin that long just to go to a club for one night because going to a club in Ibiza for one night is practically a three-day experience. You have to prepare and recover. Not that I’ve been before, but it sure seems that way. I wonder if Juanin knows anyone else who would want to go. I feel like that’s the kind of thing that’s more fun in a group. Maybe the friends he’s with in Mykonos right now? I’ll text him later.

“If you still want to go dancing on this trip, I’ll go,” André offered bravely. “But not to a trance thing! Regular club music, or even the other kinds of electronic music is okay, or even the Spanish music, but not that stuff that gives me a headache.”

“Okay,” his cozy appendage smiled. “Maybe we can just sneak into a club after dinner in St. Tropez tomorrow. Like a hit and run. Get a drink, dance in the middle of everyone for a little while, and then get out.”

“Yeah, or you could dance for just me, downstairs, to any music you want.”

“Will there be a cash tip?”

“No but I’ll make sure you cum first.”

“Chivalry isn’t dead.”

“Did you pack any sexy lingerie you could take off while you dance?”

“Maybe,” Christina yawned. “Can we have sex tonight too?” she asked plainly before a second, bigger yawn. “I have pain in my thigh again. It might help.”

“This is the most married conversation we’ve ever had.” The blonde forward shook his head ruefully and fluffed his hair. He didn’t bother trying to tame it after his shower for when they went ashore for dinner, so it was all over the place. His wife secretly loved it that way, and when she glanced up to check whether he was being facetious about his assessment or if it were a literal complaint, she saw him messing with it and thought about doing the same to it, but with his head between her legs.

“And?”

“And nothing. Just an observation.” André booped her nose and then finger combed her hair too, from her part.

“We’ve had way more married conversations than this, and I’m not gonna bring them up because I really do want to have sex tonight and it’ll totally ruin it.”

“What’s wrong with your thigh?”

“I haven’t worked out in a few days so I haven’t properly stretched in a few days. It gets tight and uncomfortable.”

“This one? Where you pulled the muscle?” He moved his hand from the side of her butt to the inside of her right thigh, and she kind of opened it up for him so he didn’t have to squeeze between. She was curled up enough that it was a pretty easy reach either way. His fingers prodded and squeezed just below where the actual trouble spot was because he couldn’t see. Christina guided his hand up to the right area for him, and wriggled onto her back so he had even greater access.

“That feels good,” she muttered. She let her head tilt back some against his chest, right under his chin, and let out a tiny sigh. Someone else’s hands always felt better on her sore spots than her own. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baby.” André kissed the top of her head and kept at the thigh massage. He wasn’t even trying specifically to relieve the tightness or soreness in her adductor. He just wanted to touch her in a place that mattered- somewhere different from the things he always rubbed and massaged for her, and different from the touches to which she was so accustomed that she was almost immune to them too. He also just liked holding onto her thighs. Their shape was to him what Juan’s wrists were to his wife, and he didn’t like just looking at them. His palm fit a little more than halfway around each one at its thickest point, and that felt satisfying somehow. Christina’s tininess was dear to him, and at the same time he loved that she had muscle tone everywhere. He could almost close his hand around Leigh’s thighs just above her knee. That wasn’t the same. That wasn’t as good. She was just skinny. There was no diagonal line of muscle definition cutting down and across her thigh to make him go “damn, so sexy” the way he did when he saw his wife in a teeny skirt or dress and high heels. He also marveled at how sensitive that spot up there on her thigh was in spite of the fact that she used it extensively while riding. It seemed like an area that should get desensitized as a result of all that time in the saddle, the way the inside of her calves did. They were the least ticklish part of her body. He could feel her thigh tense against his intrusion at first, as if it took some getting used to. Then she clenched it on purpose a few times just to see if his kneading fingers were working. Feeling her muscles move was one of his favorite turn-ons. His stature compared to hers was one of her favorite things about him in general.

“Babe, what’s going to happen when you’re really old and you start shrinking? You won’t have a big broad chest for me to lean on anymore,” she pointed out, her head flopping to the side against him.

“You’re going to shrink too! You’ll be like 4 feet tall eventually.”

“I don’t want to be old.”

“Should we make Mausi agree to euthanize us at 75?”

“Maybe.”

“Are you sure you’re not too warm in this blanket? Your leg is burning.”

“Positive.” Christina picked up the player’s left arm and put it across her lap for even more warmth. “That’s just the warmest part of my body. Did you know heat is good for fertility for women but bad for guys? We need warm crotch areas and you need extra cooling. I guess boiled sperm isn’t as good as cold?”

“Thanks for that science lesson, Prinzessin,” André frowned with his nose scrunched up on one side.

“Welcome.”

He opened and closed his thumb and forefinger a little higher up her leg, looking for the point where he’d run out of room. It took one more adjustment, and then he was effectively just rubbing the skin right before the little trim on her underwear with the side of his pointer. It was still fairly smooth there, even as her wax was turning 10 days old. His thumb rested on the sheer nylon mesh of her panties.

“Do you still tell me your secrets?” she asked quizzically, out of nowhere. André wanted to roll his eyes. Why now? Why do girls wait until you’re about to put your fingers inside them to ask a question like that, he begged silently of no one in particular. No guy would ever ask about secret sharing when his girl puts her hands up on the inside of his leg. All we want to know is the secret to getting her to put her hand around the cock sooner. “Babe?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, you do, or yes as in “yes? I’m listening”?”

“Yes I tell you my secrets.” This is so lame. I don’t even have any secrets. He nudged his fingertip under what felt like slightly lacy trim, and ran it up and down inside the barrier.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Are you just saying that so I shut up?”

“Kind of.”

“Tell me a secret.”

“Do I have to? Can’t I play with your pussy instead? Isn’t that more fun?”

“I think you can manage both, boyfriend,” Christina chided. She nonetheless closed her legs and turned over on her side, completely atop his torso and lap. The Dortmund forward could feel her gaze fix on him from below.

“I don’t have any secrets,” he protested.

“Think of one.”

“No.”

“Please? It can be anything. Tell me some sex thing I don’t know.”

“Why?”

“Just because!”

“Fine. I’ll tell you a sex thing, as you call it, but you have to turn around and let me in your panties again.”

“Don’t say “panties”,” the rider ordered as she very ungracefully and begrudgingly switched to lying on her back again, but more centrally on top of him instead of hanging off on one side. She also took a hold of his right hand, lifted up the waistband of her underwear, and put the hand where it could be most useful. He found wetness with even the most cursory of exploration with two of his fingers, and wondered what that said about her interrogation about secrets. Was she wanting to hear a sex thing the whole time? She’s just really turned on by my touching her thigh before? She wants to hear, like, a sexual desire? I’ve never kept them secret from her anyway. “I’m waaaaitiiiiing,” his girl prodded.

“I’m thinking!”

“Just tell me a thought you had today that you didn’t say out loud.”

“About sex?”

“About anything,” Christina groaned. She was losing patience, and that was ruining what his fingers were doing. They were hardly noticeable anymore as she focused on his inability to spill a close-held thought. Sitting with him there under the stars and a fuzzy blanket was very relaxing, and cozy, and nice, but there was something missing, and she thought back to the discomfort of having nothing to speak about in the water off the island. There was something there. It had to do with their connection, or occasional lack there of. That was the reason she tried to explain the discomfort and the anxiety. There used to be so little she bothered to keep to herself. It was always okay to just tell him whatever popped into her head. But it hadn’t been for a while. There was too much strategizing. She had to consider what she said, and the consequences of saying it. She was playing three-dimensional chess with her husband for months, and he was playing too. The equestrian star truly hated that. Games between partners were only fun when they were lighthearted and inconsequential, she believed, like trying to trick André into doing something for her, or seeing if she could turn him on through entirely non-explicit measures. André was playing the more superficial “two-dimensional” chess in that moment. He didn’t want to get into some hidden thought that would distract from the way he was trying to be intimate with her. He wasn’t thinking about keeping something in because of any grander picture. He just didn’t want to alter the moment.

“I don’t know, pretty girl.” He sighed, and he was frustrated too. “How about one I haven’t not said out loud yet? I’m about to think to myself, “I would much rather make out with her than have this conversation”. Does that count?”

“Never mind.”

“Do you mean “never mind” as in, you’re disappointed and are going to be pouty and unpleasant for the next 10 to 30 minutes, or as in you don’t really care that much?”

“I just wanted you to share something with me. If you can’t or don’t want to, I can’t make-“

“Whoa, whoa, hold up,” the footballer urged, both tightening the arm around her and removing the hand from her panties so he could squeeze her with that arm too. “Don’t go from Sleepy, Sore, Horny Prinzessin to Storm In a Teacup Prinzessin in 5 seconds.” He bent down to rub his chin and cheek on the side of her head as well, hoping to physically overcome the anger sprouting out of her. His affection could be like the foam that comes out of a fire extinguisher. “I don’t not want to share with you. It’s just that I already tell you pretty much everything. You’re asking me to tell you a secret I don’t have.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Well what do you want to know? That I thought it was dumb of you to wear those big blocky sandals to dinner since we had to walk in the sand?”

“I was hoping for something slightly more significant than your opinion on espadrilles.”

“I tell you everything. Baby-“ André paused, exasperated. He didn’t want to lose his temper or turn the escalating talk into more of a fight than a conversation. “I get that you feel like we aren’t as close anymore. I get that. I feel that way too sometimes. But it’s not because I’m keeping things from you, or hiding my feelings. Okay, I am thinking about an anniversary gift for you lately that I obviously haven’t mentioned to you but it wouldn’t be a nice surprise if I told you a month ahead of time, yeah?”

“What kind of gift?” Christina narrowed her eyes up at him and it made him laugh, which made his long, full, pretty lashes do appealing things from her vantage point.

“That’s the thing you took from what I said?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not telling.”

“Is it more or less expensive than a luxury sports car?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, because if you’re getting me some ridiculous anniversary present then I need to reconsider my gift for you!” Christina complained.

“Are you getting me a luxury sports car?” Her husband of nearly 6 years was deeply confused, as he’d just gotten a new car, and hadn’t expressed any wish for another.

“No.”

“Oh. Well. It’s less.”

“Exponentially?”

“Yes.”

“K.” She stopped swooning over the eyelashes and wriggled around to make herself more comfortable. “Now tell me a secret.”

“You’re a royal pain in the ass.”

“That’s not a secret.”

#heyooo

0 notes

junker-town · 7 years

Text

‘Bachelorette’ Episode 9: It's time to exploit family dynamics during hometown dates!

Just another day in the morally sound universe of ABC’s hit franchise!

Welcome to Sports Bachelor Nation. I, your host, Charlotte Wilder, must apologize for leaving you in the lurch last week. MLB All-Star weekend was in Miami, and I was covering it, which means last Monday night I watched the Home Run Derby instead of The Bachelorette.

Now, I know that I’ve gone on this whole crusade to convince you all that this stupid show is sports, and it is. [*Extremely Stephen A. Smith voice*] HOWEVER: when presented with the option of witnessing Aaron Judge crush thirteen thousand home runs in four minutes or having to suffer through Rachel’s predictable dates with a bunch of boring-ass dudes for two hours, I will always — always — choose the dingers.

Rachel was at All-Star weekend, it’s worth noting, but she did not respond to my tweets asking if she wanted to hang out. I tried. And I’m sorry to have failed you.

Fortunately, I don’t feel like we missed much on this journey together, since Adam and Matt were the two dillweeds that Rachel was obviously going to get rid of before meeting four guys’ families this week. To jog your memory: Adam was the man who brought a creepy stuffed human to the mansion on the first night. Matt was the construction worker with hair plugs. I miss neither of them.

(Also, shout out to Rodger Sherman at the Ringer, because thanks to his recap, I know what happened last week.)

Let’s do this.

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND, WITH ERIC

Eric is from Baltimore, so it’s off to the City of Lights (as they call it) we go. Rachel shows up, they sit on a bench, and she puts her legs over his. Eric is wildly distracted by this physical contact. She asks him what he has planned for them and he’s like, “uh, I thought we could, see, the, uh, city, if you wanted, to, I’m from here” in that halting and unfocused way men speak when they’re trying to think with their brains and not their you-know-whats.

Eric takes Rachel to a basketball court, where he tells her that the men in his life were involved in the streets, and growing up watching them, he vowed he never would be. He was a straight-A student who was always there for his friends. Speaking of friends, his friend Ralph shows up, and says Eric is great (good friend!). He also says that Eric has never brought a woman home to meet his family before.

Rachel's always asking the right questions. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/BxBzGprluA

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 18, 2017

You can see Rachel visibly freak out. Her body language changes as the wheels start spinning and she’s like …. “What have I gotten myself into with this relationship noob?”

Rachel is very, very nervous to meet Eric’s family. But when she gets into the house, Eric’s gathered parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings cheer for her. She relaxes immediately.

These people rule. Eric’s Aunt Verna sits Rachel down and she’s like (I’m paraphrasing here), “Man, it must be tough being the first black Bachelorette.”

Rachel looks at her as though she’s been waiting to hear this for months, because she probably has. She’s like (I’m paraphrasing again), “Yeah, Verna, it’s been really goddamn hard!!!!!”

What she actually says is, “It’s a lot of pressure, because you’re being judged by two different groups: black people and everybody else. I don’t think people realize that. Having to worry about what an entire group of people think about your choices.”

That moment when... well, anything great happens. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/nFg83iuRnv

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 18, 2017

Eric is talking to his mom and they’re both serving up a dish that I like to call Bachelorette Word Salad, where they say things like “overwhelming love” and “I’ve been running from love my whole life,” and all the things you’re supposed to say to convince America that you are Serious About This!!!!!

Eric tells Rachel he loves her. I like Eric. He’s sweet, he’s straightforward, and he’s clearly very into this woman. But he doesn’t say, “I’m in love with you,” so in the limo when she leaves his family’s house, Rachel’s like, “I’m skeptical.”

This show is wack.

BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI, WITH BRYAN

Bryan is from Miami, otherwise known as The Windy City, so that’s where we are. Rachel runs up to meet Bryan, who I find smarmy, underneath a canopy of palm trees. It’s immediately apparent that she is more into the idea of being physical with him than she is with Eric. They make out a ton and she says, “Hey baby!”

Before we go any farther, we need to talk about Bryan’s horrendous clothes. His polo shirt is ombre, sliding from pinkish red to slate gray, and he’s wearing a gray V-neck underneath it. But the worst part is that the gray of his shirt perfectly matches the gray of his pants, so his pants appear to be an extension of his top, and the whole thing ends up looking like some hideous jumpsuit. Look at this:

"Miami is city of vibrancy...a city of romance." - Bryan #THeBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/UatZNgBvXV

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 18, 2017

They play dominos and go dancing before they meet Bryan’s family. We get a hint of trouble when Bryan’s like, oh, so the reason my last relationship ended is because she and my mom hated each other. We are primed for a Controlling Evil Monster Mom, which is a Bachelor/Bachelorette trope.

We meet Controlling Mom at her Miami home. She raises her drink and toasts her son, calling Bryan the most special thing she has in her life. She then drinks an entire glass of wine while her eyes widen and she looks as terrifying as any potential mother-in-law could. I’m laughing, because you just know that two producers looked at each other as she did this and high-fived.

“Bryan is very close to us,” Bryan’s mom says to Rachel. “Bryan is my life. But I just want to give you a warning. You are marrying the family too.”

“Yeah, I want that,” Rachel says.

And Controlling Mom is like: “If a woman wants to take husband for her family she can do it. Some women want only for himself. If he’s happy, I’m happy. If not, I’ll kill you.”

If not, I’ll kill you.

Rachel’s like hahahahaha. But I’m like yo, watch your back, Rachel. I think this woman is serious.

But then, weirdly, Controlling Mom does a 180 and becomes really kind. She says look, it was a pleasure to meet you, you’re a good person, love is the most important thing.

Then Not-So-Controlling Mom starts crying, and Rachel starts crying, and the problem is that I am crying. This is extremely embarrassing for me to admit, but I cannot lie to you: I am very moved by the conversation these women are having about true love. No amount of snark can protect me from my emotions as I wipe away my tears, a few of which fall into the mostly empty container of hummus in my lap as I sit alone on my couch.

Bryan says, “Rachel, I’m in love with you.” Rachel kind of moans, and then they make out, and I thought Peter was going to win this whole time, but Bryan is really giving him a run for his money.

MADISON, WISCONSIN, WITH PETER

We are now in Madison, Wisconsin, otherwise known as Sin City. Peter lives here, so he takes Rachel to this big-ass farmer’s market that they have in the city square every Saturday. Fun fact: I have been to this farmer’s market before, and there's this one stall sells the best cheese-y bread in the entire world. Another fun fact: I was in Wisconsin a few years ago when I worked at a cooking magazine, and my phone had a thin film of meat and cheese grease on it the whole time. It got so bad the touch screen momentarily stopped working. I wish I were kidding.

Rachel meets some of Peter’s friend at a bar. There are two black men and two white women, and Peter’s like, “I told Rachel when we first met that eight out of my ten best friends are black.” DUDE, ARE YOU REALLY PULLING A “I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS”?!?!?!?

His friends are like, hey man, you show her your Black Friend Card? They're also like look, Pete’s an accepting dude. But I’m like, if you treat being friends with people of different races as though it makes you a goddamn saint in 2017, you’re doing it wrong.

Uncle Peter. ❤️ That's okay, we're melting too. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/atqvJGeuMG

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 18, 2017

Anyway. The rest of the hometown date is devoted to Peter’s “holding back,” and his reluctance to “let his walls down.” His family and Rachel get along, and you can practically see her ovulate when he’s holding his sister’s daughter. But then his mom tells Rachel she isn’t sure he’ll be able to propose to her, and Rachel seems pretty crushed. She’s like, “I don’t want a boyfriend at the end of this.”

I get that she really wants to lock this thing up, but I’m also over here thinking … why does what the person is called matter? I don’t know, to me, the ideal situation for this show would be to end up with a boyfriend so you can see if you guys are compatible in the real world, as opposed to Fake Reality Land, before he gets down on one knee (the woman never proposes because the patriarchy is oppressive and must be dismantled).

But Rachel wants a husband, and I can tell that this will be the main storyline for the rest of her and Peter’s relationship. Until the producers reveal it was all a pump-fake and they’re actually engaged.

Peter doesn’t say I love you, and he’s like, “Shit, I blew it.”

ASPEN, COLORADO, WITH DEAN

We’re in Aspen Colorado, otherwise known as The Big Easy. Dean is from here, and he spends the entire first part of the date freaking out about seeing his family because they all haven’t been under the same roof in eight years. His mom died when he was 15 (he’s 26 now), and his dad kind of went AWOL afterwards, then converted to Sikh faith.

I’m like … are you sure national television is the place you want to do this?

But Rachel is like, why haven’t you talked to your dad in two years? And Dean is like, “Is it my responsibility to talk to my dad? To make sure there’s a relationship?”

I kind of wish Rachel would drop it, but she keeps pushing Dean on why he hasn’t worked harder to have a relationship with his family. BREAKING: Not everyone wants a relationship with their family, and not having one is sometimes way healthier than forcing something painful.

Dean keeps saying he’s terrified as they walk up to the door, and I’m very uncomfortable at how morally bankrupt it feels to use this young guy’s family strife for TV ratings (not that this franchise is some bastion of virtue). This feeling continues through the entire date. Everyone manages to have an okay time until everything goes to shit when Dean and his father speak to each other alone.

"The energy felt good to me." - Rachel #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/rQdcFoCJkb

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) July 18, 2017

They get into an argument about how Dean’s father wasn’t there for Dean, and about how hard it was for both of them when Dean’s mother died. They both clearly loved her deeply. Dean’s dad keeps turning the conversation around on Dean and can’t take any criticism. He’s being pretty cruel as he refuses to accept that he’s hurt his son. But he’s also definitely deeply damaged by the loss of his first wife, so. I don’t know.

I just hate this whole thing and wish they’d stop filming it.

But I guess it’s what you sign up for when you make it this far on this show. It just feels really manipulative, exploitative, and shitty to make a person bring his estranged family together in front of millions of people because it’s “what you sign up for.”

Rachel finds Dean lying on the floor after he talks to his dad. He’s a total wreck, and tells her he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s falling in love with him, too. This feels like a big mistake on her part.

Note: Dean recently posted this.

Hometowns are 2 days away! ..and I'm asking for a favor: when I said my father was eccentric, I was not referring to his Sikh faith or the turban he wears on his head. I'm not asking you to spare his feelings (or mine) but instead to be cognizant and accepting of the millions of people that belong to the Sikh community. Although he and I are not close, I respect my father’s decision to follow his heart and pursue the life he has chosen. Let us not criticize him for his appearance or his beliefs because by doing so we are disparaging an entire faith and culture that includes millions of people. And I know we are all better than that. That is all (for now) #endrant HAPPY SATURDAY PEOPLE

A post shared by Dean Unglert (@deanie_babies) on Jul 15, 2017 at 1:04pm PDT

ROSE CEREMONY, WITH EVERYONE

Saying she’s falling in love with Dean is a big mistake on Rachel’s part, because she ends up sending Dean home. I get it, I guess — he’s young, and his family is clearly not the ideal cookie-cutter that she’s looking for, given that she keeps talking about how her parents have been married 37 years.

But Dean is like, uh, why’d you tell me you were falling in love with me if you’re sending me home? And Rachel says she is falling in love with him. And he’s like, then, wait, what!? But you got rid of me?! And says she just felt like he couldn’t give her what she needs. Which sounds like a lot of B.S. to me.

In the limo on the way home, Dean is like, “she made a mistake.” It’s interesting to me that in the limos when a dude gets sent home on The Bachelorette, he’s often like, “She just made the most wrong decision of her life!” But when it’s a woman on The Bachelor, her reaction is usually, “No one will ever love me, I’m not good enough for anyone, this is a direct reflection of my character.”

Even though it’s really just a direct reflection of some strange and kind of awful Stockholm Sydrome version of love. This is how society conditions us. AGAIN, WITH THE GODDAMN PATRIARCHY!

Anyway, next week the guys meet Rachel’s family. Things don’t seem to go that well for Bryan in the previews, and there are a lot of teasers devoted to Peter’s “walls,” which makes me sure that they are red herrings and that Peter wins, as I originally predicted.

0 notes