#stay out of adult spaces for your own safety and also to respect our fucking boundaries jeez

[monstersinthecosmos]

I have sort of a policy not to publish too much fandom wank but I got an anon I want to address; I hope you know who you are! I just wanna say a couple things about it.

TWO THINGS CAN BOTH BE TRUE AT ONCE:

It is responsible to curate your social media experience, and you should block/mute blogs who make you uncomfortable for your own safety. If anyone wants to block me because they don’t like stuff that I write or ship or post about, please feel free! I don’t care, I’m trying to have a fun time and I want everyone else to have a fun time, and your fun time might mean staying away from me. I respect that 100%! I am an adult, I know that not everyone is going to like me. It is okay!!!!

Fandom antis are notoriously conservatives & radfems/TERFs who are not creative and have nothing to contribute to their fandoms aside from negativity and their own attention seeking. It’s one thing to spread information about a genuinely dangerous person who causes actual harm to real people, and another thing to posture & grandstand about your superior morals while you try to condemn people for thought crimes.

To answer your question: [TLDR] Antis are a cult.

I wrote a post about this last summer too, about the general vibe on Tumblr and how the echochamber of sensitive conservatives and teens trapped unknowingly in the TERF pipeline has contributed really negatively to the fandom experience here, especially after Tumblr banned adult content and effectively drove adults away. (Not to mention heavily queer & sex-positive adults, and sex workers, and NSFW artists, etc). I think some people who stayed saw it as sort of a win for their holy war and it unfortunately made them even more obnoxious. And like if Tumblr wants to be that space for fandom conservatives & respectability politics, cool! Have fun. It’s just also unfortunate that the corporatization of the internet is pushing transgressive independent content to weirder and weirder corners and destroying our communities over and over. Fingers crossed we find a better home soon.

I’ve seen the thing you mentioned and I’m not bothered by it. I think it’s worth questioning the sincerity of these people’s beliefs when you find them in the wild, though, like for example if someone posts that I’m a dangerous creep, I wonder if that person has a history of targeted & vicious harassment and borderline stalking to try to find receipts of my being a dangerous creep. At some point, I gotta ask: Which one of us is actually the fuckign creep here lmfao

 I would also ask how often the fandom police claim to be paragons of empathy and morality whilst simultaneously dogpiling people they don’t like and weaponizing ableism and queerphobia to do it. It might be worth it to ask how often one’s mask slips and how quickly they devolve into making serious real life accusations against people for something as ridiculous as a difference of opinion about a TV show. I’d ask if the most vitriolic, nasty, self-superior antagonists in a fandom realize that their AO3 bookmarks & Twitter likes are public and we know that they like noncon as much as everyone else.

Everyone is welcome to block & mute as needed and everyone SHOULD. It is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself online, this is extremely basic internet safety and entry level maturity. If an artist or a writer makes something that you don’t like, you can block them. No need to create a campaign against them, especially when it’s founded on absolute horseshit LMAO. It costs nothing to stay in your lane and behave like a fucking human.

But yeah I’ve been in and out of this fandom like FOR MY WHOLE LIFE HAHA and I’ve never seen it as bad as it is now. And that’s such a bummer. I’ve never had to block people in this fandom until very recently and it was all cases of dogpiling & using ableism to pick on people. It’s really nasty and I think it’s just a really unfortunate perfect storm of Tumblr’s downfall and the absolute trashfire that this TV show was LMAO. But we predicted this years ago, when the show was first announced, that Tumblr & Gen Z wouldn’t be able to cope with the dark topics and would try to create a crusade about who’s consuming the content in the most God Honoring way. The show asks a lot of difficult questions (the way the books do!) and I think it’s incompatible with black & white Tumblr Thinking. It makes people uncomfortable and they tend to lash out at others instead of getting their own houses in order.

Having said that, I keep my follow list pretty small and I have the conservatives muted. I have a perfectly pleasant quiet time and I encourage people to do the same. Curate your dash!

My role in this fandom has ALWAYS been as a porn writer. It’s what I showed up here doing. And like, if someone really wants to believe that I’m a predator for writing stories about a 500 year old who does not exist and cannot be victimized, idk man. That’s certainly a position to take and they’re welcome to it. I’m not interested in arguing about it.  It’s just, yknow. Accusing random strangers online of serious real world crime because they don’t like your TV show, or enjoy a gross book, or wrote porn that you don't like, is such unhinged cult victim behavior I just cannot take it seriously.

So idk, it’s fine if they block me or anyone else. I prefer that. I'll block them first if they seem like fascist conservative bullies. You probably don’t want to hang out with people who think that way, anyway. Find your people ! Find rational adults! Find generous creatives! These clowns are definitely NOT that.

[roseychains]

I love how you try and act all mature and intelligent in your writing. Real convincing.

"let’s break up your argument into a few parts, and let me debunk each one

First you say this can get adults in trouble? Simple solution, don’t interact if it’s really going to cause problems."

My dude. You are in a public space. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to follow the rules. Why would you go into a public space and post something your not supposed to and then try to act like if they dont like it they shouldnt even be here. Once again public space. A community you are not welcome/old enough to be in. And you are telling other people that if they dont like it they just shouldnt interact or be here at all? You dont make the fucking rules child. You arent even supposed to be here.

"Next, you say that smut is a adult only space. And that’s only true to some extent. Of course, child pornograhpy is illegal of course, but this isn’t explicit depiction of children or sexualizing them, it’s writing about fictional characters. But as for the legal aspect of it, the problem occurs specifically when adults go out of their way to interact with minors. I, atop all my posts the first content warning in bold is that I am a minor. It’s impossible to miss, I’m not going to get anyone in trouble. It’s not like I’m specifically sharing it with adults either. I put things under smut tags but again, are warned I’m a minor and further, a LOTTT of minors my age (15-17) read smut, and comply with whatever rules the author puts. If they say MDNI, then we don’t interact, it’s not difficult to comply with an respect boundary’s. Another legal aspect is roleplaying, which, ew, no."

Ok first of all. Its true to the FULL FUCKING EXTENT. ITS LITERALLY IN THE WORDS. Its smut its fucking sex its nsfw its fucking porn. ITS ONLY FOR ADULTS NO MATTER WHAT WORD YOU PUT IT IN ITS THE SAME DAMNED THING.

Second of all if you understand you can get adults in trouble just by them interacting with you why fucking post at all. Can you prove every other minor on here interacting with you is a minor? Can you prove no adults interact with you? Its not even just about your safety but ours aswell. And you know that. You know that theres the potential that if an adult is found enjoying your content their lives could be ruined. Despite everyone telling you to just wait until you are older, the dangers of grooming, the fact that no one even wants you in this adult oriented space, you just dont care. You think you want something and decide you deserve it because of that. Everyone else be damned.

You do specifically share it with adults. Its a fucking adult space. The majority and the target audience of which is fucking adults. You post it publicly. Also your "smut tags" show up in character tags too idiot.

"zhongli smut" shows up in just "zhongli" because it has his damned name in it.

Again i and every creator out there are well aware of you children reading and consuming our shit. We lurked too. And thats all you should be doing until you are an adult. Also "it’s not difficult to comply with an respect boundary’s." Is fucking rich coming from a kid who cant stay out of an adult space and not post adult content when told not to.

"Moreover, there can be potential problems for adults who have anything to do with explicit fan fiction, but again, that’s why it’s a warning. If they want to read it, by all means they are free to do so, at their own discretion."

Wow what a way to pin the blame on adults. Sure. The adults in the adult space talking about adult topics are at fault.

About the image you share i find it really interesting you only did a quick google search but didnt even bother to look further into it. That "answer" you found is under a better answer asking about someone finding a kid just like you.

"Explicit fiction is legal no matter who writes it or shares it.

But adults who have ANYTHING sexually to do with minors are risking all kids of state and federal crimes. State and federal sex crime prosecutors who go after pedophiles don't believe any adults who claim they "accidentally" found or shared something relating to a minor and sex.

You sound like a pedophile, because that's what most pedophiles claim --it was a "mistake," an "accident," they were "just clicking on it to see if it was what it claimed to be," they were "just going to report it," "it was [their] 1st time, they were only looking for a minute," etc. etc.

If you're not a pedophile, see if you manage to avoid people who come right out and say they're minors."

You ignore the fact that they even said adults having ANYTHING to do with minors relating to this stuff can get in trouble. That means even just LIKING your posts.

"The other answer simply says this (not included: laywer advertisement)A minor cannot write or read explicit stories on the Internet. Yes, you can be charged if you allow minor's on your site."

"Thirdly, you say I’m pushing myself into adult spaces, simply not true. I have never once interacted with an MDNI blog, in any way shape or form. It’s disrespectful. All I do is create my own works. Under tags that, you guess it, aren’t restricted based on age."

Oh but its not disrespectful for you to even be in a space you arent supposed to be in in the FUCKING FIRST PLACE? Do you think the internet begins and ends on your blog? Keep your works PRIVATE. Also no porn/nsfw tag is restricted based on age on tumblr. There was a porn ban and any tags that are "restricted" are banned for everyone. Even adults. What fucking popular website has age restrictions for tags. And what child actually tells the truth about their age. Even if the tags arent restricted you are well aware they are about adult content. Do you seriously think that just because its not flashing in bright colors to get your attention that its about adult content that its somehow free for you as a minor to use? Gain some damn common sense would you?

"And finally, you say I’m participating in adult activity’s. I’m typing explicit words with a keyboard. Not showing anyone, not showing myself, it’s only found under tags ppl would want to see it."

Again character names show up in character tags. Tumblr does not sort entirely based on sentences. Thats why i can see people talking about nothing to do with a character in the characters tag because in the tags the talk shit about said character they didnt mention in the post itself.

By posting it with tags you do, in fact, show it to people. By posting it publicly at all you are showing people.

Also no one wants to see a minor writing smut in any tag. We dont fucking want you here so why cant you respect that?

"typing explicit words" my dude you are writing porn. You are making porn. A child cannot legally make or consume porn.

In conclusion, it’s writing for crying out loud. It’s reading. It’s letters on a screen. If you have a problem with it, your more than welcome to block me. And in the meantime, I’m gonna keep writing, it’s fun, and able to be done safely. Hope this helped.

Oh nooo its just letters on a screen

Ok. Theres a youtuber who wrote a fanfic of their younger sibling getting raped. Written during the time their sibling was a minor. This youtuber used to bragg about it all the time until they realized they could get in trouble for writing csem. Then they wanted nithing to do with it and denies it to this day.

Is that just words on a screen? "Oh but i dont write explicitly of minors" it doesnt matter. Its just words right? You writing porn is just words huh?

Also, a word of advice minors read smut, a lot. Writers are unaware of it due to the fact that you can read something without interacting, which is respectful imo. You went, and left no trace. Minors, specifically my age (15-17) are gonna have desires and hormones. It’s pretty damn normal. So having a safe space, a little outfit to exercise things safely isn’t that better than going out and having sex?? Minors writing smut is harmless and hurts no one.

Word of advice, we fucking know. So glad you think you are special and quirky. Dont fucking speak to me about what is "respectful" ever again. You only think something is "respectful" when it benefits yourself.

You do not need to share your porn. Im an demisexual woman who is still a virgin as an adult. Ive read porn since i was 11. Ive never once had the thought "omg if i dont shove myself into this adult space and talk about sex im gonna go have sex with real people to compensate for it"

You sound so fucking dumb.

You dont get to say its respectful to leave no trace but then go ahead and write porn publicly and show the while damned world. What a fucking entitled hypocrite you are.

And sure it would be harmless if you fucking kept it to yourself and lurked like a normal person.

Also just because it technically isnt hurting anyone does not mean people are liable to legal repercussions. Peoples lives can be ruined because of shits like you. It doesnt matter how likely or unlikely you think it is. That doesnt matter. The fact is there is that chance.

"they shouldn't have interacted with me"

YOU ARENT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR DUMB FUCKING SKULL. YOU WANNA ACT LIKE AN ADULT? LEAST YOU COULD FUCKING DO IS TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. MAYBE NOT ACT YOU ARE GODS GIFT TO GREEN EARTH AND THE WORLD SHOULD JUST CONFORM TO YOUR OWN WHIMS AND DESIRES BECAUSE YOU THINK ITS "FUN".

the world doesnt revolve around you. We shouldn't have to make room for you, and cater to you and make sure you are comfortable when you aren't supposed to be here.

"If anyone has a problem with these claims, feel free to send another ask. Just be respectful, just like we are to you."

You do not get to tell us to "be respectful like we are to you" when you can't respect the fact that we dont want children in an adult space. You dont get that option.

Block me then, not that hard omfg 👎 I’m done tagging my responses tho. Firstly, like you say it is a PUBLIC space. Meaning, anyone can access it and if you claim it to be an “adult space” you have no grounds to stand on. Even if everyone agrees, it’s still a public community/space. Anyone can access it. Who the fuck are you to gatekeep a public tag?

Writing is for everyone, sue me.

Next, I’m not getting any innocent adult lives ruined because I tag everything appropriately, it they are an innocent adult and genuinely scared. Then they can read the minor warning and move on.

And finally, no one is forcing you to cater to me what? If it bothers you, block me. Not hard

[starsonmarsy]

IF YOU'RE A MINOR DON'T FUCKING FOLLOW ME

[ramberjambers]

dsmp vigilante!au headcanons (minor-centric)

vigilante info:

ranboo’s ability is teleportation

he naturally looks like he does in the dsmp, ie half-white half-black skin & hair and is extremely tall

his mutation makes him stand out a lot so he’s always nervous about going out in public and getting his identity revealed

to throw people off, his vigilante outfit is his origins skin, so he paints the white half of his body black in hopes of making his vigilante persona look less like he does irl

he’s the second one out of the four to start vigilantism, so he’s a bit more experienced (as a tribute to how much he plays hypixel)

purpled is the one who became a vigilante first

he can create this purple miasma that when breathed in, affects people’s cognitive abilities (they become less aware of their surroundings, have sloppier movements, etc). this helps him sneak past heroes unnoticed and gives him an advantage when fighting villains

his outfit includes a gas mask to both hide his face and protect him from his own power

tommy. you know what’s coming.

he doesn’t have a power

it isn’t that much of an issue though, because tommy has lived on the streets nearly his entire life. he knows the city’s layout like the back of his hand and he makes sure to stay extremely agile in order to take down his opponents

he uses gadgets to give him an edge during fights and has the largest win streak out of the four of them (though that’s probably cause he’s always looking for a fight so he goes patrolling the most out of all of them)

he and tubbo were the last ones to become vigilantes

tubbo’s super power is lovingly named hive mind. he basically has the ability to connect to the technology around him, making it easy to hack into police radios/street cameras and tell the others where trouble might be happening

he patrols the least out of all of them because he’s usually sitting in front of all his monitors giving them info based on what he sees

he’s very tech-savvy and was the one who made all of tommy’s gadgets

how they met:

tommy and tubbo were the ones who met first

tommy was living in an abusive household *cough* dream? *cough* and he ran away at a young age to live in the streets instead

tubbo was dropped off at a police station as a baby, and was constantly being moved through different foster homes growing up

when they were both around 14, they met at a park and instantly clicked. tommy offered for tubbo to run away with him and tubbo, sick of not having a family that wouldn’t leave him, agreed

tommy showed him the ropes of how to live in the streets and eventually tubbo used his power to very legally what are you talking about find a source of income so they could buy an apartment

they met ranboo a couple months into their vigilantism

basically tommy got in quite the pickle while patrolling and ranboo saw and teleported him to safety

they ended up keeping in touch and the three of them became friends

then tommy and tubbo ran into purpled for the first time

basically purpled had almost gotten caught by the police, and tubbo intercepted their tech to freak them out while tommy grabbed him and ran back to their base

purpled kept in touch, and not long after tommy and tubbo found out that he already knew ranboo

purpled and ranboo met about a year before they met tommy and tubbo

they were both still kinda new to being vigilantes, and they teamed up for a good couple of months. purpled helped ranboo with fighting to lessen his anxiety and ranboo was purpled’s escape if he needed an immediate out

once they improved they went their separate ways but kept in touch in case they needed each other

when tommy and tubbo found out they were like “yo that’s so cool!” and so all four of them became a team

not long after their identities ended up getting revealed to each other. tommy offered for ranboo and purpled to live with him and tubbo saying “the minors have to stick together”

they accepted and figured out how to make their tiny apartment house four teenagers

living together in such a small space made them really close. they all sleep on the floor with two mattresses pushed together since the bed was too small. they are all very in sinc/coordinated with each other from having to avoid knocking into each other in the tiny apartment

friend group roles:

tommy is feral. he’s literally always looking for a fight

he gets into a lot of trouble because he’s always getting into big fights which can attract heroes or the police

he patrols the most out of the group and is the most well-known vigilante when it comes to the civilians in the area

tommy hates it when people fuck with his family. since he’s always kinda pissed, he’s more than happy to beat the hell out of whoever messed with his friends

if tommy’s the sword that attacks people who hurt someone in the group, then tubbo’s the one who wields that sword

the dude is merciless and VERY protective. if he finds out you hurt one of the others you can expect your bank account to be empty, all of your crimes to be leaked to the police, and an angry blonde being sent after you to send you to said police. he will literally make sure your entire life is ruined in the span of one night

his friends aren’t safe from his wrath either. if one of them gets hurt he will first ruin whoever hurt them and then turn around and make sure they regret being so stupid. the others feel bad when it happens cause he sometimes cries when he yells at them to stay safe dammit

now you think that tommy is the one that causes the most trouble but in reality? ranboo takes the cake

the dude is a trouble magnet and at least 90% of the time he doesn’t even want trouble to begin with.

he just always happens to be there when a bank robbery happens, always happens to be in the same place as heroes while out patrolling

the other three get grey hairs just thinking about him and his terrible luck

with the other three being such extremes, purpled is the stabilizer. the mediator

he’s very chill and doesn’t probe or ask questions

if tubbo and tommy have a fight they will both go to him to talk about it. then, instead of saying “well tommy/tubbo feels like this” he goes “how do you think tommy/tubbo felt during that?”

it always leads to them understanding each other and apologizing, meanwhile purpled will sit there like “mission accomplished”

he’s also usually the one ranboo goes to when his anxiety becomes too much

sbi enters the fray:

tommy is the one that runs into and is adopted by the sbi first

he meets wilbur when they’re both in civilian wear and they become really good friends almost instantly

wilbur figures out that he’s a vigilante pretty quickly but doesn’t do anything about it besides telling him that he knows

meanwhile tommy’s totally convinced that wilbur’s just a chill civilian

he talks to tubbo about it and tubbo immediately does a background check

purpled takes one look at wilbur and goes “he’s giving me hero vibes”

when tubbo confirms this tommy freaks out and avoids wilbur

which makes wilbur panic because he assumes tommy got hurt while fighting crime

he ends up telling techno and phil about it and with their help they find tommy

only to discover that he’s living in a one bedroom apartment with three other children and no adults in sight

the quirky quartet is immediately freaked out by three heroes discovering their “base” and tommy, as expected, ends up getting mad

wilbur’s like “where were you?! i thought you died on patrol or something!”

and tommy’s like “you’re a hero!”

and wilbur goes “yeah??? so?!?!”

and tommy blinks

and wilbur sits there, confused, before it dawns on him

“you mean you didn’t know?!?!”

“how was i supposed to know you’re a hero?!”

“i thought you knew!! just like i knew you were a vigilante!!”

“well i didn’t, asshole!!!”

needless to say they all calmed down once the quartet realized that the other three weren’t going to arrest them

they all keep in touch and continue their respective professions

techno gets attached to ranboo pretty quickly and so the sbi starts visiting more

and when they get to know tubbo and his anger issues and purpled and his caring nature the adults all kinda just agree that “yeah, these are our kids now”

eventually they convince the four to move in with them since they have an actual house

the quartet chooses to sleep in one bedroom still cause sleeping by themselves makes them uneasy now and so they have the biggest room in the house and it has two bunk beds and a pillow fort they made their first week living there

they usually sleep in a pile inside the fort instead of their beds

it totally absolutely does not make the three adults silently scream at how adorable they are

[sageinacage]

Why I am leaving this blog

This is the truth as of why I'm abandoning my tumblr, @/sageinacage.

CW: swearing/harsher language; mentions of breaking boundaries, sexualization, bondage, non-con/tickle torture, kinks, toxicity, overall rly uncomfortable topics

TLDR at the bottom.

Before I start, I want to say that I’m not talking about everyone in this community. Not everyone is like this, but still a lot of people are, and unfortunately the negatives are louder than the positives.

Having this blog was quite an adventure. It definitely had its ups and downs, but I was quick to notice that it had a majority of downs instead of ups. As of now, I'm dreading being on this page.

I don't feel comfortable here anymore and it's incredibly hard for me to feel any sense of safety in this community, and I honestly feel personally ashamed to be in the MCYT tickle community with the bullshit me and others have seen and experienced.

People go around on anonymous and practically harass creators, I've seen so many rude anons get sent to myself, my friends, and people on my dash. People are also breaking CC's boundaries left and right, and no one will listen to anyone when it's spoken up about. I remember making a post stating that if you send anon hate then DNI, and I lost 4 followers. So disappointing. Actually after I took a screenshot of my boundary/trigger list and posted it, someone sent me an ask and did EXACTLY what was listed in my triggers. It went fully against my boundaries, and it caused me to feel scared whenever I get a notification in my inbox, because I’m scared that somebody is trying to purposely trigger me again; and I shouldn’t have to be on Tumblr with such paranoia as I’m experiencing.

Going onto the topic of the more weird and uncomfortable side of the community, I also remember I made a post a while ago saying "if you support putting minors in heavy bondage, then unfollow," and I lost 5+ followers. To put it bluntly, that’s fucking disgusting. For those people to admit for putting minors in a borderline NSFW situation, since heavy bondage is quite literally something that only happens in the kink world and there’s nothing wholesome or cute about it, and for them to admit to doing it, is fucking weird. Though, I’m thankful those people got off my blog.

I have literally seen someone post art of c!Ranboo in heavy restraints and it didn’t even look remotely fun or consensual. It was pictured, or at least my friends and I interpreted it, that he was being tickle tortured and it was non-con. Though, it’s to be expected when the art is a dark-lit room with an intense tickle machine with heavy bondage, with a blindfold and what looks he is genuinely struggling. What made me even more uncomfortable is that an adult drew it. Another person wrote a fic of c!Ranboo in a lot of bondage with the sign “tickle toy” attached to him. That’s fucking weird. That’s practically something that never gets condoned in a strictly SFW sense. The sad part is that others and I have seen a lot of this happening around.

I was actually informed that an artist the other day on another MCYT tickle server drew literal non-con tickle art of Technoblade (/srs). I was revolted. The worst part is, some people didn't even have an issue with it and reacted to the image with heart emojis. For someone to draw non-con in a completely SFW server filled with a bunch of minors is creepy and weird. Non-con isn't a fun thing, and so many people, including me, have horrible experiences related to it; and for someone to turn it into a "heehee fun tickle" situation is fucked up. For someone to even fantasize non-con as a tickle fantasy just makes me feel sick. There are a few fics like this I've seen as well, unfortunately.

Related to non-con things, I've actually gotten a request before asking me to write Schlatt literally tickle torturing Tubbo, and multiple asks that are similar to that; even when on my request rules it stated not to ask for things related to that. Anything with the word "torture" in it is not consensual, especially in the context it was in. I’ve probably had to delete around 5–8 asks in total from my inbox that were related to non-con or torturous things, even after I already stated in my rules I do not write that stuff.

Another thing I've seen is romantic-esque things written with CCs and then the creator slaps a "/p" onto it, and all of a sudden it's okay? Ranboo has even stated in a stream that he is uncomfortable with his IRL self being written/drawn cuddling his friends, and I see so many fics and concepts of IRL Ranboo cuddling in some way (which I've spoken out about before, but again, no one listened).

Moving on, I've probably met the most toxic people in this community than any others I've been apart of- and I've been apart of a lot, I've been on Tumblr on different blogs since I was 11. For some reason, so many people love to guilt trip here (both my friends and I have noticed and experienced a bunch of people doing it in this community), and the people who get called out for it avoid apologizing like the plague. A person in this community made me and a few others literally scared to say no and scared to advocate for our boundaries, because of how much we got guilt tripped. And no, no one received an apology. But still, people DEFENDED this person, even though me and other people spoke out and explained how this person hurt us. That’s so fucking upsetting. I automatically don’t feel safe in a community where people willingly associate with a literal manipulator and someone who hurt probably over 10 people in total (/srs).

Another thing I've noticed is that so many people seem entitled to something. For example, when I got practically harassed by anons for my discomforts/triggers, basically trying to squeeze out reasoning. No one needs to explain their boundaries/discomforts to you, and this community doesn't understand that from what I've experienced; after being harassed by multiple people on anonymous multiple times, all of which were because of personal reasons I was not obligated to share. No one should be able to say that they got harassed by people on anon for their OWN BOUNDARIES. ON 3 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AS WELL.

Long story short, I can’t help my triggers. Each of my triggers has developed from trauma I’ve gone through or a bad experience, and I shouldn’t even have to defend myself for my triggers/discomforts if people were respectful and weren’t so fucking entitled for an explanation. So many people in this community can’t mind their own business, and I unfortunately had to learn that the hard way.

I've also seen people project onto IRL CCs. Those are real and breathing people. I understand doing it for comfort, but, the CCs have a literal character that people can project onto, but for some reason, people have to push their things onto real life people. I’ve seen someone headcannon IRL Tommy as trans. That's like the same as your friend "headcannoning" you, a real person, as a different sexuality that isn't what you identify with, and one you may not even be OK with being seen as, and without knowing if you're comfortable with it or not. It's weird.

There are more points I could bring up and more specific things I could state, but I think you got the gist of why I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable being a member in a community which a lot of its members condone in this stuff.

This is the reason why I'm only active in the MCYT tickle community on Discord, because my server, "Mcytickles," actually respects CCs boundaries and is truly an SFW server, and people are respectful towards each other. It's the only safe space I have in this community anymore, so please do not join it if you exhibit any of these things on this post.

No, I will not be coming back, so please do not try to convince me to stay. I’ve been wanting to leave for about a month now, so this isn’t some impulsive decision. I’ve been in the MCYT tickle community since April, and these problems have always existed but have just gotten worse and more extreme, so I’m leaving for my own mental health and to protect myself from further harm than what I’ve already received.

TLDR: I am leaving this blog and the MCYT tickle community on Tumblr due to the many boundary breaking and unacceptable behaviors I've seen be exhibited, and it makes me not feel safe and comfortable to be here anymore.

I want to thank my mutuals, though. You were all awesome and such kind and loving people, and I’m happy to be your guys’ mutual. I want to thank those who were always so nice to me and hyping up my work, and those who were respectful to everyone and advocated for boundaries. Thank you so much for everything, moots <3 (/gen)

[generallypo]

in all sincerity, kim dokja makes me happy and he deserves to be so too :^(

incoherent yelling and sobbing under the cut. these fEELINGS will not be contained aaauuunnghhh. 

------

anyway i binge-read all 500+ chapters of ORV this week and i honest to god feel bad for this -- completely! fictional! aghhhh -- guy. in case you haven’t figured it out, the following is some spoilerly shit

i went in expecting a fun, brainless power trip fantasy for dudes with an isekai addiction. instead, it turns out ORV is actually a gigantic, self-deprecating prank on the entire genre itself. kdj plays more into the sad -- if high-functioning-- clown trope than the sexy, edgy, chuuni bastard type i was prepared to laugh at. there were -- gasp! -- female characters with personalities! parents (aka ADULTS who act like ADULTS) who actually survive and feature prominently! adorable children! a real sexy, edgy bastard! a power trio with amazing fashion! sexual tension and bickering! friendship! life and death bonding! 

*breathes in deeply* fouND FAMILYYYYYYY.

like, yeah, the plot around the first few arcs seems a little aimless, but the buildup is worth. the world-building is pretty decent. there’s discernible effort put into the fight scenes, and i can appreciate that. but -- but! what i stayed for were the characters -- namely, the fantastic OT3 of KDJ, HSY, and YJH -- who come together despite their initial rivalries and end up saving each other’s asses, like, every other day. granted, the other characters don’t get as much focus, and they do fall into certain character tropes.. 

but a trope done well is nothing i would gripe about. every significant character in ORV has a coherent, and more importantly, respectful take on their respective trope. maybe it’s because sing-shong is actually a married couple, but all the interactions between even minor characters are a convincing blend of awkward rambling, suggestive humor, sharp remarks, and casual banter. in other words, this cast of mostly working adults (plus a teen and two kids) talks like working adults. the relationships built throughout the story are, frankly, some of most realistic of its genre. sing-shong has managed to craft a dynamic that undoubtedly brims with fluffy fondness all around, but also drips with sarcastic tension, with unspoken urgency, with a wariness that softens into sincerity over the course of many, many chapters. it’s the kind of progression that makes even stock characters read like more than just the 2-bit villain or comrade or love interest. here, we have relationships both straightforward and not, strained or otherwise, romantically-oriented as well as decidedly the opposite -- and then numerous others scattered along the spectrum with the freedom to shift either way. 

it’s also an interesting point of note that our MC kdj actually does not end up with a stated romantic partner, much less a conventional heteroromantic harem. he gets teased about that fact from time to time, but it’s with less of the sleazy shonen locker room humor one would expect and more of the good-natured ribbing you’d find among friends or that one especially nosy auntie at the yearly family reunion. kdj is a grown ass man. in the background, i applaud his maturity, and he handles all the prodding like a champ. 

so instead of finding and fulfilling his horny, he builds himself a wealth of loving family. yeah, there are beautiful men and women around him. yeah, they unequivocally adore him. but they’re also adults, and they have priorities, too -- which are not so much finding a way to bang kdj’s brains out and more so simply keeping the damn guy alive. this is truly not ‘oblivious mc with his thirsty, sex kitten harem’. it just so happens that a guy proves himself to be unflinchingly gentle and capable in an apocalyptic setting despite his broken self-esteem, and lots of people find that attractive, romantically and platonically. 

it.. kinda makes sense? he’s a hard worker, thoughtful, and good with kids. kdj is the kind of guy you know would make a reliable partner, and anybody with eyes can plainly see and appreciate that. 

and it’s not that our MC’s a total brick wall. in fact, it’s likely the opposite, and he’s just too darned repressed to admit it. from what has been implied, kdj does indeed recognize and accept love, or at least a primitive concept of it. i like to imagine that the kind of love that he ends up seeking out simply manifests itself more easily as acceptance and safety, as warmth and a home of people to return to every day. even better, the people who surround him know this, and they give him exactly that. it’s refreshing, and honestly, really sweet.

(as a side note, i really, really do appreciate the cosmic bi energy radiating off of kdj, who canonically earns the title of being loved by all and is all but in name married to yjh and hsy. he also respects women and small children and honestly anyone who isn’t total scum to him or his family. i respect that.)

but the happy stuff aside, you know it it just ain’t ORV without the generous screaming dollop of angst. admittedly, there’s self-sacrifice, injury, lonesome wandering, more sacrifice, some epic fighting, reunion and confrontation. all of it is a lot to digest, sure, but never does it feel entirely hopeless, or truly, truly heart-clenching. ORV, up until the final act, is a mostly light read. you relax in your chair, thinking that nothing beyond this point can disturb you. 

yeah fucking right.

------

and then the beginning of the end arrives. when the squad finally break through to their ‘ending’, the scene that kind of breaks me is the reveal of the Most Ancient Dream. it ties so much thematically into the little tidbits that we get of kdj’s past, and it though it feels like almost a joke that the source of the goddamn apocalypse is a kid with bruises smeared across his skinny ass body -- it’s such a pathetic picture that it’s kinda poetic, actually. you’re left mystified but somewhat convinced, like a math problem explained halfway through. this.. child.. is a villain somehow, isn’t he?

and then 999th turn uriel speaks up, and she. just. hugs him. 

[[You are this universe’s most powerless existence, aren’t you.]] 

that. that gets me. kdj’s reaction immediately upon this revelation? absolute murder. seeing him essentially self-destruct upon realizing that all these people he’s surrounded himself with -- some who continuously proclaim their loyalty and affection for him throughout their journey, some who suffered eons of war and loss and trauma because of his existence -- not only forgive his younger self but smother him with unconditional acceptance and love is stifling, is too vulnerable and exposed and he simply can’t cope -- it’s so telling of his true mentality, of his crippling insecurity and crumpled sense of self-worth. kim dokja is a liar, through and through, so much that he fails, or perhaps refuses, to comprehend the veracity of others’ kindness and love towards himself. 

by some miracle, the events at the end of the world somehow resolve.. or so it seems. there is a departing train, a liberated team of ex-gods, and a child rousing from his slumber. in the aftermath, i am left shaking. somehow, despite the ending having been (happily?) reached, there’s still another chapter ahead. what is this witchcraft?

------

and then ah, yes -- the epilogue arc. i teetered on the edge of being critical for a little bit there -- is that display of deus ex machina, of sad, self-sacrificing nobility a bit too egregious to be acceptable? is this some wild last let-me-yank-this-outta-my-ass plot twist to drag out the chapter count? i sincerely thought that the arc before it would have been the finale. i was wrong. thank god.

anyways, as an answer to the above: no, and no. i stake my firm claim on the belief that the epilogue arc was meticulously planned out well in advance of its release, confusing and time-warpy as it is. i liked it. tremendously. even if it entirely invalidates all of kdj’s supposed development (”haha lol yeah sure i won’t sacrifice myself or anything anymore guys don’t worry about me” -- KDJ, at some point because he’s a lying rat bastard). actually, our beloved MC disappears for a large chunk of this arc, and i think it’s great. in his absence, the other characters not only go absolutely fucking nuts, but they have to figure out this new problem on their own, even if the lure of peaceful complacency in the newly saved Korea might convince them otherwise. 

and then the whole time paradox thing comes around. yjh goes to space, hsy saves the only life she can, and kdj grows up. the crew waits, holding onto their hope even if it bleeds them dry. sing-shong does a damn good job of illustrating their fraying calm, their lurking madness, the unseen but pervasive depression that seeps in from kdj’s absence. the kids lose their father, lhs and jhw lose their reliable leader figure, ysa loses a best friend and confidant, lsk -- as distant as she pretends to be from her son -- loses her only child. and then there’s hsy and yjh , who are essentially bereft of the other half of their existences. their pain is palpable, is grounded in the hopeless, gnawing frustration of an utterly meaningless victory. emotionally, ORV hits all the right -- if agonizing -- beats.

however, a story can’t sustain itself just through its pathos. i’m happy to say that ORV doesn’t drop the ball after the first milestone, and after all the hurt, the characters do leap straight back into action. even better, the plot holes actually do get patches, and the poetic cycle of writer, protagonist, and reader comes full circle by making use of all those supposedly throwaway characters from the myriad world lines. 

at the end of the road, there is a distinct sense of unity, of a delicate but undeniable cohesion to the world lines and their origins. sing-shong lets us guess a little here at the finish, but there’s just enough information to feel hopeful. maybe there never had been a definite start -- or finish -- to the story of kdj company, and... that’s okay. everybody ends up where they were meant to be, where they fought and struggled to reach. it’s.. almost like a happily ever after, if we’re allowed to dream of that.

------

now, i realize, this was all an orchestrated maneuver.

i’ll take it.

to me, all of this work sounds like someone put some serious thought into this behemoth of a plot. it cements the entire original premise of the story. it suggests -- but never explicitly confirms! -- the possibility that breaking free of the cycle is possible through the exact same system that sustains it. it’s terribly interesting -- and inspirational! with all the dramatic revelations and life-threatening scenarios  and the cast’s resigned acceptance of them that essentially make up ORV’s entire mood, there’s still that last hint of rebellious and righteous anger that lights up the whole damn nebula. it’s like the kdj company blasting away at the heavens just to yell into the nether: we’re not looking for the happy end, but the free one. stay alive.

it’s subtle, and yet it’s such an emotional gut punch. i came away with the most ruinous, frustrating, bittersweet sense of longing in ages. i pined. for these fictional darlings. god, i am weak.

so. yeah. ORV is pretty good. flawed, but ambitious and impressively thought out.  i’m stoked that the webtoon is making pretty good progress, even if it’ll take an eternity and a half to meet that monstrous chapter count. i’m still gonna follow it. hell yeah. 

------

(by the way the idea that secretive plotter and co are literally gonna take care of and raise baby kdj and spoil him and be the best friggin family a kid could ever want does things to me. protect him. he’s suffered too much. let at least one worldline’s version of him know happiness. and actually, aLL OF THEM DESERVE DOMESTIC BLISS TOGETHER IN A BIG OL MANSION WITH SUN AND FRESH AIR AND TENDER FAMILY MOMENTS UGH)

------

and there you have it, folks. you made it to the end. in the far, far distance, i’m cheering you on and crying my eyes out in gratitude. thanks for tuning in!

[softlygentlymine]

Compersion & Spirals

Compersion. I’ve understood its definition for a while, and even felt it at times. Being confronted with it at the happiest moment of a friend's life is absolutely wonderful. This weekend I attended a Birthday party for Shifter’s long-term partner, we’ll call her Macaron, who we haved played with in a foursome. It’s the first time we had been introduced to their respective families, which was really special. What was more significant, was the advance notice that this wouldn’t just be a Birthday party, it was also going to be a surprise wedding.

～

About a week ago, or so, I had been messaging Shifter, explaining that Firestorm and I had been discussing polyamory more seriously. I explained to Shifter about wanting to explore that option with him, to ask if the door was open. He did say it was, but I didn’t get the impression it was a discussion that he’d been able to fully explore with Macaron. Ethical Non-Monogamy is one thing, Polyamory - feelings - is a lot messier in its nature, which not everyone can understand. It didn’t come to much of a surprise to receive the following message:

“[Macaron] and I have been chatting on the poly subject again. And she has cold feet about it and would like to keep it just sexy time fun for the time being. I’m sorry to have gotten your hopes up. But when the reality of it set in to [Macaron]. She questioned her ability to manage it. And I will always side with what she says.  Again. I’m so sorry”

It’s more than disappointing, and I tried my best not to feel too let down by the outcome. I tried to explain the feelings I am processing to Firestorm, to keep communicating how I am feeling, and to help him understand my reaction to other relationships as the bloom and wither.

“That's perfectly fine, I totally respect her concerns and am happy to oblige. There's no issues from me on that ”

“Yay.

I feel bad.”

“It's more important to love your wife in a way that respects her. I enjoy our time, and am open if she changes her mind, but respect her decision and will treat it as final ”

I think I handled the rejection well, and although I was not in love, it still hurts to cut short any potential romantic relationship.*

～

Cut back to the surprise wedding, we arrived as per the invitation, which was quite early as far as the festivities went. This meant that we arrived and met the Bride and Groom before most of their own friends and family had a chance to turn up. Seeing him in person after 2 months apart, it was amazing how the electricity returned, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. It’s odd, because objectively he isn’t the most handsome man around, neither is he the fittest. There is a sweetness to his smile, and a depth of honesty in his eyes.**

Knowing this was a special day for the happy couple, I had already resolved to be demure, polite, and interact in a way that suited their introduction of us. I did not want to bring dishonour to their union in front of their families, what we share as consenting adults is none of their business. Just because I would like to behave differently with those I build a relationship with, doesn’t mean they would.

The afternoon passed somewhat quietly, being isolated with Firestorm and his children from the rest of the attendees, it taught me a lot of lessons around guest seating and structure of the event for keeping their interest. I am extremely grateful for the privilege of attending, as it means there are key elements I will try harder to ensure are completed for our wedding.

Keeping with their intent to break tradition, the bride and groom pulled up to the seating area in the same car, a lot of sentimental value attached to the ‘chariot’. The happiness was evident on both their faces, and I felt support, cherishment and love towards them as they walked down the ‘aisle’ together.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it was meaningful. Seeing the culmination of 15 years of life together, 14 years of engagement, was something so incredibly special to be a part of. It made me yearn for my own day later this year. It helped affirm my desire for meaningful connections, with my fiancé, and others who will come into my life.

Seeing Shifter and Macaron in their little bubble of disbelief that they actually completed their intention to marry from so many years ago was interesting. I’ve thought often about the significance of marriage, and that whilst it might not be necessary in the modern era to make the legal commitment, there is a declarative nature to it that I want to take part in. I also think through the injustice of the system itself, restricting the nature of marriage to only two people. The historical frame of monogamous culture restricting the rights and societal recognition of non-monogamous relationship structures is so wrong in my view, I wish there was more I could do to change this.

We left early due to Firestorm wanting to keep a regular bedtime for his children, but I dearly wish we had stayed longer, if only to gaze across the room and celebrate the happy couple. I am looking forward to the shoe being on the other foot, and shining as a bride in my own stead. Before my engagement, I had never fantasized about the big wedding scenario, and yet the closer I get to mine, the more I look forward to it.

～

We are looking at purchasing our first home together. I’ll skip the financial rabbit-hole, and instead focus on how weird it is that this might actually happen. Our personal debts are not perfect, but there is hope that we might be approved and can begin the purchasing process. I’ve been filled with such a nervous energy. Firestorm has been calling the people who can make this happen. Hoping that the outcome of judgement is favourable to making our future a reality.

The location is interesting, as we have chosen to purchase significantly far away from the locations at which we both work. For the compromise in location, we succeed in value of the actual property offering. Better conditions of building, land size and keeping the price well within our budget. There is also the benefit of being nearer to Shifter and Macaron, just the other side of town.

I’m a little conflicted, because I have such a strong attraction to Shifter, and whilst that makes me more comfortable with the decision to purchase a property so far away, it’s not a factor I can rely on to guide my rational decision making. I will enjoy their friendship, but am unable to expect more emotional commitment.

The property comes at a time where we need our own privacy, our own space. We have spoken about it for some time now, and I really think that in the next twelve months we will start trying to fall pregnant. That’s a super intimidating challenge, partially for the life altering, no take-backs consequence of bringing a child into the relationship, and partially because it’s been a discussion for a number of years that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even know if I wanted children for such a long time. It has absolutely helped having a partner who is so domestically inclined, I feel a sense of safety, that I will have someone who cares enough to be completely hands on with child rearing.

～

*Spiral: This feels like all I’m good for some days, a quick lust, a fuck, and sent on my way because I’m not valuable enough to want more from. The difference between Shifter and Crowns (the married man who has pursued me at work) is that I can sense there is a reciprocal emotion with Shifter, and that he’s honouring the commitment to his wife, Macaron, to value her before all others. We still have an open door to playtime as well. I feel sad, but respectful of the decision he has made, and the promise he is keeping to her.

With Crowns...there has been a blatant sexual interest, a retraction and then lust that disobeyed his wife’s requests. I have reason to doubt that there was ever any discussion with her. I could never totally regret my interactions with Crown, as challenging monogamy with Firestorm has led to enough self-awareness and recognition that my desire for established romantic relationships is not unreasonable. It has led to more self-love and actually asking for the kinds of relationships I want, rather than taking the meager offering they wanted to give me. It doesn’t mean that I will accept his advances when honesty is not his first motivation.

Crowns has been frustrating to manage expectations with. A lot of the initial expectation was crushed quickly, and I had thought that would be the end of the discussion. Then, he didn’t let go so easily. I felt caught between leading him on, and genuinely enjoying the company he presented. Conversation always lulled if I didn’t continue the expectation of sexual interest. I felt disappointed that I didn’t warrant more respect. The shadow of interest hadn’t dissipated, but he never crossed the line between wanting me, and actually getting to know me. It left me sad after interactions, and devalued my self-worth. I have come through those emotions to recognize I am worth more than that. I want more than that.

～

**Spiral 2: Shifter is out of my reach emotionally, but the look I received from him at the wedding was so heated, I was filled with want. It was a promise of more, a promise of sexual satisfaction, and the honour of his genuine desire for my interaction. I may not be able to enjoy the significance of a romantic relationship, but there is a kindness, a caring and an ethical component to his non-monogamous practice. It also helps that he identifies as polyamorous, so I feel a kinship of understanding.

And even going through my own thoughts, there remains an undercurrent of sadness that he is removed from my potential romantic partners. I really thought there might be something there worth exploring. It’s scary putting yourself out there to people, hoping that they’ll be able to love you. It’s also difficult recognizing kin, and having the frame of romantic monogamy limit your natural inclination to fall in love. I want to fall in love and be loved. I don’t need to spend every day in their pocket, but to acknowledge that the time we spend together will be valuable and sacred.

[mindwideopen]

What do you do, when you feel..... ALONE? Well, Grover has some ideas. He sings, and dances, and even pretends to fly. But then he feels sad, and lonely, and misses... me, and he wishes I was there with him, to do all those things with him. But I’m not there. Because he recorded this album in 1974, and that was the year I was born, so I was busy doing that.

Grover makes a great point. Sometimes we’re ok spending time with others and by ourselves. Sometimes we can be around a ton of people, in a huge crowd, or at a party, or anywhere, and still feel alone. Or, the flip side to this album, not sure, but the flip side to my point definitely, is that we can be alone, and choose to feel, content, happy, and at peace with ourselves.

We have sooooo much power! We can’t necessarily fly literally (if you are a pilot, or take an aircraft, I stand corrected) but you can take off in your mind to a place of tranquility any time you’d like, no matter what the outside circumstances may be. The flight, is up to you. You can go to bora bora! Or, ass gulch. I vote for bora bora! A place I only know the name of. I should look it up! I have no clue where the geographical location is, nor do I know if it’s a good place to visit, but I hear that’s it’s tropical, and a delightful place to vacation, so that’s worth thinking about. Good things, are worth thinking about.

Grover is my absolute favorite muppet of all time. He is basically a paired down version of me. He has ups and downs, ins and outs, big feelings and emotions. But, unlike Grover, I don’t usually wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. I used to more, but I’ve retreated. Grover is a lot braver than I am. He creates a space of safety for himself in his head to be able to express his feelings honestly to all of us. He misses us, he loves us, and he wishes that he can spend his time with us, having fun, and loving. What a sweetheart he is!

When I was younger, I used to think that someone from Sesame Street was going to come to get me, so I could visit. True story. I was eventually disappointed, because that never happened. But I wanted to swing on that big tire they had there in the opening credits, and run and laugh with all the kids running around on the black top, or in the park. They looked like a fun group. I was an only child til I was 10, and basically hung out with adults. Back in the day, people didn’t really set up play dates. So, I had Sesame Street, and my sandbox, and my big imagination.

I went on tiger hunts with Ernie and Bert, and I swam in the jungles, and climbed trees, and sang and danced with all the kids from my grandparent’s living room. Fuck. This story is super depressing, or not, depending on how you view it. Being alone doesn’t have to be sad, or lonely. It can be, exhilarating!

I did a ton of reading as a kid. I used to disappear into my cubby hole that I decorated with my drawings and books, and stuffed animals, and read for hours on end. I also had another hiding spot. It was underneath my dressing table in my room. It had curtains, and was a perfect place to make my little nest, and read, and dream about who I wanted to be. I experienced a lot vicariously through the books I read. Louisa May Alcott, girl of old Boston. Anne of green gables, Judy Blume books, Beverly clearly just to name a few. I never felt lonely with them. I felt like i was with them, living all of their adventures too.

One of my favorite books as a kid was, “the monster at the end of this book.” By Jon Stone, illustrated by mike smollin. I still have my copy. It’s ripped cause I got overzealous about guarding Grover from the outcome. The synopsis is simple. Grover, the monster you see above, was nervous about getting to the end of the book, because he had heard that there was a monster there. He wasn’t into it. He was afraid of monsters. So the whole book was about getting us, the reader, to stop reading, and to stop turning the pages. Well, to me, that was all he had to say. I loved Grover, and I used to argue that we should adhere to his advice, and not turn the pages. Well, the adults reading it with me decided we should, even at my insistence, so we continued. I won’t give the end away, but it’s pretty great. The fear that Grover had throughout the entire book? Unfounded. But, the fear he had during the process of the book... real.

What we feel, is real to us, whether it’s founded in reality or not. So why not choose to love, and to feel peace in the moment, as opposed to not? Grover is my hero in a lot of ways. He loves sooooooo much, and he’s not embarrassed or ashamed to show it, no matter how nutty he gets, or what anyone has to say about him. He is steeped in the knowing of love. And his life is the product of that love. I don’t know what his apartment or house looks like, but I picture it really cozy, with lots of love surrounding him.

Grover will always be my first love. But I have lots of other loves. People are good, and I love them. And some need more love shown to them than others, and that’s ok too. Sometimes love isn’t 50/50. In relationships some need more, depending on how they feel within themselves. Maybe it’s 80/20, or even 100/0. But eventually the love balances out. Because the love you can give to another, pays you back too. The love we all share, is the love that’s real. The rest, can go scratch. That’s not a Grover thing to say, but it’s my truth.

Sometimes I get pissed when people don’t show me the same love, giving or consideration that I show them. But I’m starting to realize that it all comes out in the wash. Love is an energy that is never ceasing. And Jimi Hendrix the awesome guitarist likened it to, “going to the well”, and replenishing. See, that’s love. Love, God, the universe, spirit, however you want to define it, it’s ultimately the same thing. Love is, the energy of evolution. It’s the movement to more. It’s the creation of life, and its ever present expansion. So why not create a world from within, that you want to experience?

Life isn’t always going to present you the exact same thing you’re asking for, but how you decide to react to it, is what you’ll end up getting out of it, no matter what. So things can suck sometimes. It’s true. The contrast, (meaning the ass things you may experience in life) is there for you to learn what you do like, and either focus on that, or more of the lamenting of the ass thing that’s been dealt. See, life is really cool like that. When an ass thing occurs, it’s only at the moment it actually occurred. But it’s our choice whether to stay in the moment or not.

Grover and I dig each other a ton. He’s my guy. I will always love him, no matter what. So I’ve decided that if he ever does show up to my house, and throat punch me, we’ll still be cool afterwards, cause I trust and love him. Will I fight back? Probably. But the point is is that the throat punch is a moment in time, and the rest, would be up to me, and the police after they’ve been called to break up the brawl. I kid. Grover and I will never go there. Because of the respect and love we have for one another, it would never escalate to that point.

Talking things out? Not my forte as of late. I’ve fallen out with so many people in the last 6 months it’s kind of insane. But I’m also human, and in need of love and understanding with my process of hurt. And I’m forgiving myself, and accepting my own apologies from the ones I didn’t get from others. Self love allows for that. It takes care of you when you find that the outside doesn’t.

So the next time you’re feeling alone and lonely, think about Grover, and what he does to take care of himself. He does the things he loves, and focuses on loving things. I promise you, the more you practice that, the easier it will be to be happy alone, and with other people too. ❤️

[jcmorrigan]

Valentine’s Day F/O Letter

For the event hosted by @nougatships​ and @megane-shipping​! I decided to write a letter to Giovanni Potage from EE because I am love him SO MUCH right now. Anyway, it got kinda long, so most of it will be under a cut.

***

Hi Gio,

             This is the first time I’ve ever really written anything of length to you. To any of the ones I love this way, really. Beginnings are hard. There’s so much I want to say, and I’m not sure where to even start. So let’s get the basics out of the way: how are you doing? Successful heists lately? Epic tales of villainy I simply must know about?

           I’ve been fine. Life’s boring, as usual. I would say I don’t even know how you put up with it, but I’ve seen your couch-potato side, so that’s not really a big mystery. I like that. I like that you’re equally up for breaking the mold with some adventure and just…kicking it. (Wow. That’s some old slang. When’s the last time anyone said “kicking it”? Me. Just now.)

           So as for the reason I’m writing this letter…I think it’s best if I just begin in chronological order. So you and I both know you’re not the only one in my heart, and I’m glad you respect this. There’s a time, a place, and an AU for you, and it doesn’t make you any less special. But I’m always stunned when I look back at how we met. The others, it took time to realize I loved them, and how much they meant to me. But you? You broke through that fuckin’ museum wall, and I KNEW you were my type. If you want the receipts, I have the Discord chat of when I was talking to my friend while watching you and screaming about how much I wanted to cuddle you. (LISTEN. I KNOW THAT WAS FORWARD. I’M SORRY FOR BEING A CREEP. SOMETIMES I’M A STALKER.) …Actually, the exact words were when my friend, knowing you were my type, said “If he were any further up your alley, he’d be at your house” and I said “He could come to my house anytime” and I’m sorry your girlfriend is such a creep.

           I haven’t felt that instant…fall that many times in my life. The last time I can remember it, it was for someone real. As in who originates in my world. I think you’ve figured out that sometimes, I compare you to him. That chase went on such a runaround…with men, my whole life after him, I’ve thought of them as goals to achieve. I got the attention of the hot one! Yay! Finally! Now he can love me and all of my little quirks, even though I’m super boring! And I’m not saying that’s incredibly wrong. I’ve made some good relationships that way, actually. (All fictional, of course.)

           But you…what struck me is how much I wanted to be with you for your sake. Not mine. Not to bandy about getting you to notice me, or playing the tsundere game, or worrying I’m not good enough. Sure, I like a slowburn and a good confession, but I really just wanted to be close to you because you made me smile. You had a good sense of humor, you have that unbreakable lighthearted confidence I adore…you’re a little bit of an idiot, but in the absolute best way possible (and you have emotional smarts where I don’t). And on that note! You’re one of the nicest guys I know! Even if you are the bad guy.

           Which was kind of the two-hit combo that slayed me. I have a villain problem. You know this. I know this. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. Some days, I want to be a villain, myself, and have the freedom to do what I want, take revenge on those I feel wronged me, take whatever my heart desires, just not have to live by the RULES anymore. But some days, I become acutely aware of my conscience. Could I ever be a real villain? Could I actually steal? Could I KILL? I think about the people I’d hurt, and I don’t wanna do that. I now know that depending on the situation, I can laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints. (Little Billy Joel for ya.) But with you, I know I don’t really have to…pick. You let me be me, and you let me have that freedom of just…doing bad things that are against the rules. And it feels AWESOME. But then, we never really take it too far, and we still have our friendships, our standards, our moral codes, our etiquette. Basically, you’ll let me be the good guy, too, and you’re just a sweetie pie. Some days, I need to toe the line more; some days, I need to shed blood. But you let me suspend in between, getting the best of both worlds.

           And all this is why I think…maybe you’re my favorite out of all of them. It makes me feel guilty to love you best when I’ve given my heart to two others, and who knows where it will stop? But it’s you I find myself thinking of most often. You who I’d have fun with. You who’d make me smile. You who I’d want to make smile.

           Also, I realized lately. I don’t get jealous over you, not like I thought I would. I like seeing you depicted with other partners, the Blasters or other selfshippers/OCs. I love when I meet someone else who had the good enough taste to fall for you! If you want to invite Crusher or Spike or anyone else you like to be part of this…I know you have enough love for all of us. We can all be happy together. Just say the word!

           Knowing you would support me emotionally no matter what is touching. I’ve relied on you for a lot. I’ve done scary grown-up government stuff while listening to your theme. I invited you to the crew that would go on that flight with me because I hate airplanes so much, and I knew you would give me amazing distraction-cuddles (though I suspect you, also, fear the airplane, and if I’m right about that, I admire you so much for not letting it show). There are times I…really hate myself, or feel worthless. Especially because I have so much trouble validating myself. But I know you’d just put a hand on my shoulder and tell me it’s going to be all right before inviting me to slip on some ski masks and pretty supervillain clothes so we can go hijack sugar cookies from the bakery. (Pink for you. You always have dibs on the pink ones! I haven’t forgotten! And blue for me <3)

           The adventures we’ve been on in my imagination…the walks around Twilight Town (YEAH YEAH I KNOW WRONG WORK OF FICTION), snuggling up in your knitted blankets (which are SO SOFT), making my villainess dress together, the first kiss on the rooftop, dancing like idiots, THE HEISTS…it all makes me really happy. You remind me that I don’t necessarily have to “grow up” to be a grown-up. And, I mean, I knew that, but you make sure I REALLY know that. (Speaking of which, don’t you love how if you add the two of us parents’-basement-dwellers together, you probably end up with one [1] functioning adult?)

           I also really have to thank you for being accepting of my asexuality. I’m always scared it will push others away. They say men only want one thing, right? And I am unfortunately attracted to men. Yaaaaay me. But there are big exceptions to the rule, and you’ve always been the one to say “Fuck gender roles!” I feel like when I’m with you, I never have to worry that you’ll be wanting something I can’t give you.

           In return, I will accept you no matter your body, your identity. I’ve run into a couple different takes on you, but they’re all you.

           I guess that brings me to the hard part of this. This is going public, so I don’t know how specific I want to get. But there was a very powerful force that suggested I couldn’t see you through my own eyes. That no one could do so. It almost tore us apart. I thought it was my moral obligation to let you go. I thought loving you would mean taking a stand on the wrong side and hurting my friends. I thought that what would happen is that every time I thought of you, I would be reminded of ugly truths and harsh realities.

           But after two days, I missed you so much. It was a good wake-up call to know this relationship wasn’t completely baggage-free, and it reminded me that I have many characters in my life who I want to give my attention, but it also proved to me that if I tried to let you go…I would have to physically push you away instead, and in the end, I couldn’t do it. I think back all the time to how good of a brother-dad-mentor-figure you were to Molly, and how you got worried about Fred’s astigmatism, and how I was sure you’d get along with so many of the characters who already made up my world, and how this spoke to your heart. Oh, and also, I needed your dumb ass to say loitering in front of a truck was a valid crime. (Please don’t ever loiter in front of a truck. I’m begging you.) I need you to show me how easily you shift from Grandma Mode to Knife Mode with your knitting needle, to be proud of the way you season your soup attacks, to keep making your own capes, to insist on the benefits of wielding a bat with a fucking knife taped to it, to jet your friends to safety when they’re afraid of such things as fire and traitor bears.

           Whatever comes of all that, I hope there can still be a space for us. You and me. And I’m confident it will happen, now. It already is happening. Because I know that you’d just want me to be happy, no matter where you fell on the issue that began it. And you love and respect my friends, too. I know you see us as our own little group of villains and co-minions and talk about us like we’re an evil team that has to take care of each other, and that’s…honestly so cute. Too bad I’m terrible at putting your words to work. Maybe one day. When I learn how to find the approval I seek without fighting it out of people. But I think that was the moment it went from a crush to actually loving you. When I saw how you would do that with Molly. With everyone. Make sure they knew how valid they were. I…feel bad that I haven’t been able to live up to this lately. Like I’ve failed you. But I can always try again, right? That’s what you’d want me to do! And I do improve on things every day. One day, the minion will surpass her villain (but still stay around with you because that’s what we do)! I hope I can support you in the same way – that when you have things that trouble your mind, that I can help you feel better and get you toward a solution to the problem.

           I know I’m safe with you, and I want to keep you safe, too. I know how much you’d put on the line to defend me, and I just want to protect you from all of the bad in your world – from snooty Vice Principals who call their armies to beat you up (I’m still SO SORRY you went through that!), from the law chasing you away from all that’s familiar, from all the insults and mockery that could ever come your way. I want to stand before you like a shield. To gather the troops of the other characters I know and form a protection squad around you. To make you smile. (Even if you are really, really cute when you cry. Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush – I do love getting to comfort you. It SUCKS that you have to go through the hard times, but I like…being there. I hope that doesn’t make a sadist of me. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s an overreaction.)

           By the way, I’m kinda sorry for not ordering the lobster bisque at the pub in the airport. I was gonna because of you! But I chickened out! And that salmon I got instead was REALLY good, okay? But it’s a double whammy because I had JUST found out the soup place in the mall closed and I need to make up for this. There will be soup!

           (As of the most recent draft, I had a horrid stomachache last Sunday, and chicken soup was all I could eat for most of the day. I thought of you. Though yours would’ve been better than Campbell’s and we both know it.)

           Fun fact: you are dating a silly, sappy lady. I keep thinking back to this letter – I drafted it once, then went back and added things, and here I am saying I ALMOST mailed this without talking up your looks. Which is probably a good thing because it means I’m primarily with you for your personality, but everyone deserves to feel like they look nice, so here goes: I love your silly, sly smirk. I love your cute little fangies. I love your untamed pink hair. I love when I can see just how deep-pink your eyes are. I love how much of a beanpole you are, and how much taller you are than me (even if it does mean you can’t carry me bridal-style for more than thirty seconds). I love how innocent you can look, and how you can look the absolute OPPOSITE of innocent when you want to. I love the way your face lights up when you’re happy about something, or when you’re being cocky. I love the way you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and I can always see how you feel just by looking (I’m bad at body language and reading between lines, after all). Do not ever doubt that is one handsome man looking back at you from the other side of the mirror! Because I could just watch your smile for so long, unbroken, you don’t even know.

           Thank you for being you. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for the fact that we’re our silly selves and we can be grown-ups without growing up in the gray space between good and evil. I can’t wait to see you more – in your own story, where I’m not; in the story just for us, in our own little timeline; in the TBTCverse Twilight Town where we are hounded by complex crossover lore; in the beautiful art everyone draws of you; in any other universe that may bring us together.

           And someday, the time might come that we have to part ways romantically. I’m not looking forward to that. I’m really not. I hope it doesn’t happen. But someday, we might not have the chemistry anymore, or you might find someone better, or I might have to put more focus in what I guess is the “real world.” If that day comes, I hope we can still be friends and mean something to each other. Zucchinis/QPPs, preferably. But if we have to be more distant…just so that I can think of you, and you can think of me, and we’ll both treasure those memories.

           I love you, Giovanni. Or should I say “Boss”?

 Sincerely, with all my heart,

Rachel “Composer” Scribere/Inlustris

(P.S. I wasn’t sure which universe’s last name I should put, seeing as I obviously am not going to write my last name in THIS world, so there, have both the ones you know me as.)

(P.P.S. “If there’s a place that I could be, then I’d be another memory. Can I be the only hope for you? Because you’re the only hope for me.” ~MCR, “The Only Hope for Me Is You,” Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys)

[braveryjournals]

New beginnings – leaping into the unknown.

Disclaimer: always do what feels right to you. Don’t listen to me or anybody else. Search yourself for answers and do only what you feel you are able to handle at this stage of your life and your development. 

Life brings unexpected turns. Or shall we say, we're not always able to foresee what is the best, most relevant thing we should do next. From our limited, earthly, human point of view, we cannot see the whole picture so when those moments happen we may feel uncertain and anxious. But just think about it: sometimes the most unexpected, crazy things come our way and there's no way we would be able to bring them about with the means of control and out limited mind-based perspective. They would seem out of reach or irrelevant. The thing is life is not linear, the events don't line up perfectly so our CVs make sense. This life is not a German fantasy, all ordered and perfect, it's a fucking jungle. In a good sense, of course.

If you think all this perfect universe, working like a swiss clock and regulating all life on this planet and beyond is here so that you can get up every morning feeling miserable, working in a job you hate (or not, I’m just giving an extreme example), fall asleep while watching Netflix and get up the following day to do the same for the rest of your life... well think again. What a huge waste of energy and intelligence this would be!

So how did it become somehow normal? It's crazy.

Sometimes I tell my friends - if this was the way life should be, if this is actually what life is, I'd rather be dead tomorrow.

Fortunately, it is not so, so I guess I will stick around for a while. I know I can be radical sometimes, but I'd rather be radical than frustrated. And I also think we need to be more radical with the way we live our lives otherwise there's not going to be any change we’re in such a desperate need of.

But let's get to the specifics and focus on some practical examples (taken from my personal experience).

Long story short I got into a situation I didn't particularly enjoy. I started in a new job a few months ago, feeling enthusiastic about the new start, but at the same time intuitively sensing that it would bring a lot of challenge for my inner balance. Even before I started there the intention I set for this new chapter was to be the light, to be the transformation. Like... how did I even know this would be called for? Anyway, I quickly realized that was the case and it was very difficult for me to do. I felt there were so many elements that would need to be fixed and not so much will to work on them so there's only so much you can do while still respecting the will of others and their choice to do things a certain way and remain on the low vibrational frequency.

I was alternating between being drawn into this energy, feeling frustration and buying into the gossip and complaining which the entire company fed on, and working my way through with my energy, focussing on raising my vibration, letting go of the negativity and practicing forgiveness and unconditional love. I started bringing stones with me to work which I found worked pretty well. I was wondering whether I should just drop this situation altogether or would it just be avoidance. When I set an intention of manifesting freedom, in whatever form, and maintaining the high vibes no matter the circumstances I was fired from work. And I felt a great sense of relief.

Now, for most people it is a negative event but as I hope you can clearly see, in this context it just makes perfect sense. The experience acted as a contrast on many different levels, that is I realized what I don't want and where I need to go next. It's very important to see value in contrast. Without it, we would hardly be able to see what is our true preference.

I am now finding myself in front of a blank piece of paper. Standing on an edge of a bottomless abyss, not knowing what will come, let alone the how. People are asking me, and what are you going to do now???

Well, this is what I'm going to do and I want to write this down (in the end it's a journal) so it's on record for future reference. (Now I will have to be really confident about this working out!)

1. Ignore the circumstances completely and turn inwards.

Worrying and feeling insecure naturally appear in this time of not knowing what is going to happen. Anxiety kicks in. But what's the point of getting involved in them? How are they of any use?

We believe we cannot or shouldn't disconnect from those natural safety mechanisms because then we won't get what we want. When they appear it’s important to investigate what hidden belief is behind them.

2. Examine your limiting beliefs in operation and let go of them.

Ask yourself: What do I believe if I feel this way?

And then: Why do I believe what I believe? What is this belief providing me with or is protecting me from?

Usually, the answer will look like – I believe that I am not safe without any plan/ I believe I'm separated from the whole/ I live in a hostile world of which I am a victim/ I am not naturally supported by the universe.

Why? Because I believe those beliefs will keep me safe. If I believe in that I will have strength and stamina for fighting for my survival.

This kind of thinking comes from the lower energetic centers which are responsible for the instinctual responses and survival. It's all fine, we are animals in some ways but we want to make it conscious so we can operate from the higher energy centers and so gain access to a higher wisdom, instead of operating on compulsive or fear-based instincts.

Therefore it's crucial that we ignore the situation completely and don't take our cues from the circumstances. If we do we will fall into this fear trap – Omg, I lost my job, what am I going to do now? I will be broke, my life will be miserable, who knows when I find a new one, it's so difficult to find a good job nowadays (in this city, in my profession etc.), people will think I'm a failure, I feel like a failure, I'm not good enough... blablabla. You see how easily those limiting beliefs can flow providing you with more scary visions and limitations.

Remember that if you will buy into them, you will get what you're asking for. And that's not how we want the new beginning to look like!

Once the limiting belief is identified it should leave. Sometimes you'll need to filter the same belief through those question more than once till it's let go. Investigate yourself and identify all the beliefs you have about the situation, all the ideas you got from conditioning, projections... everything. It may take some time. You may need to take time off to do this in peace and quiet. It may feel uncomfortable, most probably it will because you're dealing with layers of conditioning and beliefs you just picked up unconsciously. You need to make it conscious so you can be free.

3. Let go of control and jump.

Many people feel they cannot just ignore the situation because they feel like as responsible adults they need to look the problem realistically and deal with it. But if you focus too much on your situation you may find yourself blocked. You're already dealing with labels and projects from your friends and family. They don't matter, just stay sane in your own mind and soul and jump! Jump to that abyss.

Looking at the problem won't help because it will just bring more of the same. You can as well say, ok Universe here I am. I am ready to bring to the world whatever you want me to. Be open and humble and jump.

Ponder this: what are you gaining holding onto your present vision of the reality? Nothing new can come from repeating the same ideas, acknowledging survival fears and staying in the present conditioned state of mind. If you want to make a leap and enter a new stage of your life you need to make a risk. It's actually not a great risk to leave behind a boring and outdated version of yourself, but it may feel like something dangerous. Just realize you have nothing to lose so you may as well let yourself be carried by the universe and see what else is out there that you would not be able to conceive with your limited human mind.

4. Live your new vibration.

Seach yourself for your desires and see what is it that you desire to feel in your new life. What is your true essence? Feel it and make it your reality. Stay in this vibration as much as you can. Make your whole day, your whole life turn around this high vibratory state: consume only things that are in alignment, meet people who resonate with you, meditate, do yoga, go for a walk in nature, walk slower, be more mindful of the beauty around you, be gentle to yourself, send love to others, sing, dance, do something creative, smile for no reason, eat good food and so on.

Envision yourself embodying the new vibration and living an aligned life. You may only focus on the way you feel. It may be feeling expanded, inspired, loved, appreciated, connected. Or you may envision a specific symbol of how it would look like, so a specific circumstance: an inspiring job, living your theme, having a beautiful house and a family or whatever that is that would symbolize your new frequency.

Focus on this vibration and try to maintain it despite the circumstances.

Remember that the outside reality seems very real only because it's what we see all the time. It's very distracting, it's shouting at us all the time. But that's where its power ends because it has no real power. Don't forget that. It's like those small dogs that make a lot of noise, exactly because they're powerless and ridiculous.

So live your new vibration and be confident there's no way anything can go wrong from here. Reality has no other choice than reflect it back to you. That's how it works, period. Just don't doubt, don't give up your power going back to the „safe” space of tight but familiar beliefs and fears. I mean, you will do whatever you want, but if you feel it's the moment to jump into the unknown, take the chance life has provided you with. If you don't then it's fine, it will come back to you some other time anyway.

I feel like I laid out a whole recipe for enlightenment in this short post but I think it's important to address all the methods and ideas from specific and practical angles. I hope it will resonate with some of you. 

As I wrote at the beginning it also holds me accountable for my own transformation so I will keep you posted. I’m excited! 

[violetsystems]

#personal

Weekend two has started since being let go for financial reasons due to Covid-19.  Much like the lack of email communication from responsible parties, I feel I shouldn’t say too much more about it.  One of the last official trainings from that job I did complete was about Social Engineering.  I was twelve when my parents first put a second phone line in my room.  In that back bedroom I connected a WarGames-esque computer modem to my computer.  I would post the number up on local bulletin boards my mother and I frequented.  Before I had the computing power to run an actual BBS like Telegard, I had an open terminal open accepting random calls.  It was just me typing out on the other side.  Acting like the AI’s I read about in William Gibson novels.  I dreamt I was Wintermute fucking with random hackers on that phone line.  I did probably freak people out.  Computers were so new back then that everybody thought they were hacking a military grade silo.  Being twelve on the internet back then was far different than it is now.  I was playing Crucible the other day and the scripted team chatter caught me.  My character, a space trucker named Earl, wants to show a team mate a picture of his children.  They’re marooned on a lush space planet harvesting essence.  The character chides him to put the photos away.  She remarks the safety of his children is in jeopardy.  He mumbles and puts them away.  These days being an accountable adult on the internet with a twenty year resume can be frightening.  I worked in an academic environment for years where cancel culture had it’s place at times.  There is a fair amount of graffiti in my neighborhood that talks about “provoking culture.”  A very transgressive sentiment.  Provocation is a tricky word.  It doesn’t mean what you think it does.  It’s a test, yes.  One to make a person deliberately angry.  A trick to melt someone down to their base metals.  And in some ways, the universe has reared it’s head in my life with a fair amount of reminders of the culture I already wield.  I’ve faced my power.  Faced my privilege.  Face the very essence and critique I swam in for years.  And now ironically just like my signature line in an email locked out after twenty years.  I know nothing other than the time I spent here seems more valued at the end of the day.

I am an adult.  I’m pretty sure everyone figured that one out by now.  I’ve talked with people on this platform for years.  Opened my heart up about things.  Had it weaponized against me in varying degrees.  I weaponized it back at times.  And these days, it’s definitely apparent that many things have changed in my life.  I spent the entire last week decoupling my personal information from my work without access.  I had given up a personal number years ago to be on call twenty four seven on a new cellphone.  Ironically I have new service and a new number with the same provider.  That now rings the watch I could never get set up with my work phone.  I sat in the Verizon store for a good hour talking with the employees behind plexiglass.  Getting a job is always an audition.  I can’t exactly jump at getting a job at the moment or I void some of the benefits I’ve been promised.  I also don’t have written details about any of that in an email yet.  There are some details I do have and they relate to financial obligations I’m owed that people would rather be rid of anyway.  Again I’ve spent years talking vaguely enough about romantic feelings on the Internet.  I’ve seen those weaponized against me even worse.  I lost my job.  Not those feelings.  Ironically those feelings are still communicated loud and clear.  People expect you as an adult to handle your shit and remain accountable.  And there are also people out there who expect to catch you slipping.  And truth be told, this time is both the worst and best time for me.  When I reflect about how long I have been inside the culture of Information Technology, I know where I belong.  And for the moment I’ve been enjoying playing the Crucible beta for free.  I’ve had to be painfully clear that I don’t work for anyone right now.  This is for fear of someone jeopardizing the verbal agreements I still have no written acknowledgement of.  I haven’t signed anything.  I don’t know anything.  All I know is I am afloat on a wave of loss.  I’ve been riding that wave.  Out on my bike or running.  An eerie silence.  The phone only rings when it’s my parents.  My friends and people I saw daily are now gone.  No one seems to know how to get ahold of me other than my business email.  And every few days it’s something about still getting details.  I could go on and pine about it in an election year.  Someone could hone in on the message.  Retailor it.  Use it on the virtual campaign trail.  And it still wouldn’t solve anything.  I’d rather handle it myself and go back to the safe haven I’ve created for myself.  Here online in a community that respects each other’s privacy to a certain extent.  I cling to that respect I have here.  Because you don’t know the shame I feel losing something I worked so hard to keep.

I am not really ashamed at all now.  I had to get through all those feelings by myself the last week.  I will say that playing video games has been therapeutic.  Playing a closed beta in an inclusive and respectful environment has healed a lot of damage I feel.  The truth is the damage is far deeper than I really care to admit.  It’s twenty years of connections dropped in an ocean like a brick.  Probably for good reason.  It’s a massive disconnection of being known and yet exiled.  Fenced off to the side.  Made to feel like I am nothing without that time in my life.  And yet all the time I spent here seems worth more.  How we all learned how to get along and watch each other’s back.  How we learned that people can talk to you for hours and say nothing.  How conversations are just projections where you have no say.  And how we’re all fucking bored with that and would rather speak through memes, hints and clues.  The major clue phone alert being that I still love you.  Tumblr too.  But most importantly the person I always address in these.  I feel like a loser.  I feel like this was meant to be this way.  I don’t blame anything.  I just know how I survive.  I had four job offers ping my watch on my bike the other day.  I wonder if somebody is just waiting for me to jump at the first offer so they’ll be off the hook.  And again these are thoughts that are best left to myself.  I spend most of my business days thinking about them.  Dealing with the trauma that’s reached a frightening crescendo in my life.  Financially, I probably could sit the rest of the year out if need be.  But I only have three months of health insurance in the middle of a pandemic.  And I spent five months grappling with the concerns of my employees and their concerns about being at risk.  I don’t really have the luxury anymore to wonder if I’m at risk.  I don’t even think I mean anything to anybody anymore.  At least in my past life.  Other than you.  Let’s be truthful.  The signs and portents are still out there.  Nothing on that front really changed.  Although I think I needed to be set free from my old life.  A life that spends years plotting and harvesting information about me for no other reason than to trick me.  To provoke me into something I’m not.  And when the final showdown happens and the smoke clears, it’s just me and you and everybody else down here on the internet.  Playing games, staying safe, wearing masks, and treating each other like human beings.  Respecting privacy.  Being accountable for our actions not only in this public space but in the trust and intimacy of our friends.  I’m not ashamed to be here with all of you.  And I know you trust that I move forward with nothing to be ashamed about.  I’ve got some time to play games and be a community leader in my own way.  By just being me and showing the love.  All you need to do is stay on point.  <3 Tim

[candlefright]

The Blob (1988)

This is less of a new venture and more of a reflective blurb. 

Can we all just sit down and talk about the underappreciated remake; the ooky spooky oozy woozy gobbling wobbling Blob?

Please be advised that reading further will result in potential spoilers for the film listed in title and related films: so if you haven’t seen The Blob (1988); come back when you have, or abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

I was a thirteen year-old babysitter the first time I watched this movie. When you babysit, you inevitably wind up with some free time when the kid lays down for bed and you’re waiting on the parents to get home. A brief period of time where you get to feel semi-adult, and for tweens like me, steeped in my own burgeoning angst, a scary movie was the closest thing to a thrill I could touch without putting myself in danger. I popped some popcorn, I pulled out the snacks I couldn’t have when the kid was up. I hopped on-Demand (some of you might not remember on-Demand, I feel old writing it out) and found Chuck Russel’s The Blob. I was already familiar with the hokey but legendary original from 1958. I figured it was within my fear threshold; nothing to worry about, why not dive in head first?

Let me start with the facts, The Blob opened on August 5th in 1988, sandwiched between Cocktail (July 29) and Young Guns (August 12). In the commentary and in interviews, director Russel has attributed the film’s lack-luster success with the competition it faced hitting the box office. It’s true, Cocktail grossed nearly $12 million opening weekend and was given extended runs of up to ten weeks in some theaters. Young Guns fared about as well, breaking $7 million in it’s first week and packing theaters for nearly eight weeks in some locations. The Blob, however, grossed only nearly $3 million, with what has been estimated to be about $9-10 million budget, and averaged a modest two-week run in most theaters on average. (Source: The Numbers)  

Now, over thirty years later (and 60 years since the original), the film has respect, but in my opinion, not nearly enough.

The horror snobs will tell you that The Blob remake doesn’t stand up in comparison to films like The Fly, or it’s cosmic-horror cousin, The Thing. I’m calling bullshit. The remakes of The Fly and The Thing are phenomenal, refreshed versions of influential films, and The Blob deserves equal respect. While The Fly and The Thing leaned on the edge of a very serious, professional revamp; The Blob dared to poke fun at the tropes of the original, and then willfully and literally fed a tired stereotype to the beast. They also framed a female as the unlikely hero while illustrating her journey in a subtle way that only young girls with experience in microaggressions can understand. While The Fly and The Thing are remarkable remakes, and remakes that I cherish and love; they both center on the male persona. The Blob invites the strong female perspective and openly challenges the idea of the strong male lead.

Shawnee Smith plays the role of the high school cheerleader. Her doe-eyed stare is one of the first things we encounter during a scene that I appreciate for it’s illustrative power. The setting appears deserted until this scene. A small town lured into sleepy stasis right before the introduction of each leading role. The silence is dispelled by cheers and stomps; the entire town is at the local football game. So we see, this is a small town. Everyone knows each other by name. Children grew up together here. There is a delicate shell of community waiting to crack under the flat foot of impending doom. This scene is fragmented by the cheers of the crowd. We see Meg the cheerleader (Shawnee) pining over the freshly sacked, dazed Paul (played by actor Donovan Leitch Jr.) who comically asks her out on a date right there on the ground, still counting the cartoon birds orbiting his skull. He feels like the stereotypical male character, the re-imagining of Steve McQueen’s Steve from the original. The football player and the cheerleader; this feels like the serendipitous event that would normally predate a love story.

Meanwhile between claps and thunderous booms, the camera flashes to our third lead role: Brian Flagg (played by actor Kevin Dillion; yes, Matt Dillon’s brother.), the skid row rebel with a bad reputation and seemingly no concern for his own safety; as expressed by his weak attempt to jump a broken bridge on his motorcycle (of course, bad boy). 

We’re seeing what feels like an immediate dynamic between the three; notice they will be relevant and can speculate the potential relationship they will have with one another. We can see Meg as the girl next door, Paul as the white knight in football gear, and Brian as the trouble-making instigator who will almost certainly be butting heads with Paul. Spoiler alert: all of these initial assumptions are true. 

Brian Flagg is your classic bad boy “fuck you, won’t do what you tell me” burn-out who is known by name at the local police station. Granted, this comes as no surprise in a small town, but his relationship with Sheriff Herb (played by my Walking Dead favorite, actor Jeffrey DeMunn), who warns him to watch his behavior now that he can officially be considered an adult in the eyes of a judge. Brian scoffs this off characteristically, butting out his cigarette and rolling his eyes in the way boys with authority complexes tend to do.

The film proceeds down a long, horrifying snail trail of goopy gore and apocalyptic dread. If you’ve seen the film, I won’t bore you with one great long write-up of each scene, but I will pick out my favorites.

At the local pharmacy, Paul and his wannabe frat friend Scott Jeske (played by actor Ricky Paull Goldin) lurk around. Scott needs to pick up some skins for what he hopes will be a lucky night with his squeeze. This is the bait-and-switch that totally eviscerates McQueen’s role in the 1958 original. Without our knowing, Scott has inherited Steve iconography, and we get a peak at the nature of high school boys and their burgeoning sexuality. We see the other side of popularity, of the jock reputation. Chivalry flies out the window, and we laugh at Scott when the local priest reverend Meeker (played by Beware! The Blob!’s Del Close) grills him on his participation in the church. All the while, waiting for a pack of condoms to be delivered by the pharmacist. I still laugh wholeheartedly when Mr. Penny, the local pharmacist (and Meg’s father) stands between the good reverend and Scott and asks: “You want the ribbed, or the regular?”

This joke is only further extended past the punchline when Scott denies that the condoms are for himself, but rather for his friend Paul, who he says is too nervous to get them himself. Moments later, Paul will come to retrieve Meg. He encounters Mr. Penny, who peers over his newspaper and, with wide eyes, delivers one of the most memorable lines of the whole film: “Ribbed.” (Fun fact: the condom scene was based off of a real event from the director’s life.)

Paul and Meg’s date is interrupted when they nearly reduce a homeless man to a skid mark on asphalt. A homeless man whose hand has been completely engulfed by our star; the lovely baby blob. Brian is in hot pursuit, trying to calm the old man in that I’m-damaged-but-I-have-a-heart kind of way, earning him some gentleman points and drawing him into the triangle we ruminated on earlier. As expected, Paul and Brian immediately butt heads. It’s clear that the jock/bad boy dynamic is completely in play, here. Paul wants Brian to stay, basically accusing him of foul play- while Brian is quick to want to disengage. Meg is stuck in the middle, focusing on things more important than a pissing contest: like the wounded man they’ve helped into the car. What follows once they reach the hospital is quite honestly one of the most terrifying scenes I ever watched as a young girl.

Paul’s death hit me like a Mack-fucking-truck. Even as a kid, I had immediately cataloged him as a main character. He was safe, untouchable, the football superstar. The McQueen legacy. I read about this scene. Leicht really was under all of that slime (mostly composed of a thickening agent called methocel), struggling for air. Comparable to being waterboarded, Leicht crawled inside a large base shell and was covered in the flimsier material before it was pulled and dragged over his face to create the harrowing effect. 

Oh, my gods. How my face mirrored Meg’s in that moment. I remember pausing the movie and getting out of my chair, earnestly shocked and frightened. I was thirteen, and shaking. I was disgusted, terrified, and stunned. I gathered myself, and stomached the rest. Watching Meg struggle to free Paul, only for his arm to slough away into a soupy mess- it will always stick with me. To this day I will re-watch this scene and marvel it as one of the first films to ever solicit my interest in the special effects industry. 

Alterian Studios was responsible for these unholy effects, including special effects legends like Tony Gardner, whose film credit list reads like a Walgreen’s receipt; Chet Zar (who had a credit in Dark Man for his special effects prowess), and the incredible Bill Sturgeon (who had a hand in several favorites and cult classics such as Army of Darkness, Hocus Pocus, Aliens, and Killer Klowns from Outer Space). The work of this team, those mentioned and unmentioned, is really impressive. Practical effects were always a part of the horror scene, from the very beginning; but the 80′s really welcomed and embraced a new age of creativity. It wasn’t enough to just produce a monster anymore, it was about fooling the audience into believing these things could climb right out of the screen and swallow you whole if you dared to look away. While the crew in charge of legends like The Thing and The Fly will forever be shining stars in any fan’s lexicon- The Blob only smoldered, and now rests as a sort of hidden gem that I feel nobody gives a second glance. Which is shameful. If you’ve seen The Thing, The Fly, From Beyond, Event Horizon, or any other FX-heavy horror: The Blob should most certainly have a place somewhere in that collection. No excuses. 

After Paul’s death I was primed for the rest of the movie. I really was, my sense of safety was shattered and I was on the edge of my seat with sweating palms. Who was going to be next? The blob dissolved people!? I was stuck between fear and fascination. Paul’s death is a showstopper, an absolute mess that deserves more recognition than it has received, and to place it beneath the visualizations of its like-films is just a shame. Watch Paul’s face as it stretches and then deflates and slips away into the ambiguity of the blob; with streams of syrupy red blood streaming into what looks like a sentient tumor. 

Scott’s death is also an honorable mention. I appreciate this scene mostly because of what it represents to me as a fan of the original: the burning effigy. Scott represents what is left of that football player icon. He’s also a total sleaze who, for some reason, has a fully stocked bar in his trunk and a collection of class rings to toss out like party favors. His karma comes so quick, he watches his dates face cave in like a sinkhole, then gets swallowed up himself. 

Scott’s death felt like a high-five. The demise of the jocks resonated with me; pointed out the bad in both of them- how chivalry could be just as boring as sleaze. These men weren’t special, they were poignant representations of the type of boys we all fall in love with: The white knight, who uses his chivalry as a means to assert dominance, and the sleaze- who uses sheer charisma to assert dominance. Watching both of these boys literally melt away within the first 30 minutes felt like a deliberate act of kicking that tired, overused trope out of the picture. Which just leaves us with leather-jacket McGee; Brian Flagg.

Another one of my favorite scenes is when Meg chews Brian for being so damn apathetic. She looks him in the face, searching for help in what is a helpless situation, and he totally dumps on her. His fuck-me-fuck-you attitude completely ignites her. She said what I was thinking as a girl:

“You act like you're different, you put on this big show, but you're just like everybody else in this town, you're full of SHIT, Flagg!”

This is the moment where Meg completely rejects what would be a characteristic stereotype. 

It is so important, how her exhaustion eclipses her next-door nature. How as a female character, she blinks away the obscurity of the male-savior trope and calls a spade a spade. Dressing rebellion up in a leather jacket doesn’t make a hero. A hero spits in the face of apathy, the way Meg does to Brian, confronting his bullshit “I don’t care” attitude with her own intuition. Pretenders don’t survive horror movies. Hell, even heroes don’t survive horror movies always, and Meg makes that poignantly clear by throwing Brian’s crybaby hungry boy attitude back into his face. The apocalypse is a little more urgent than your abandonment anxiety or survival complex, Brian. This is final girl energy, that utter rejection of fate, that “fuck fate, I will change it with my bare hands” sense of responsibility. Meg is a small town girl, a small town hero- and a bad motherfucking bitch.

So, needless to say, Brian quits pouting and hops on board. Is it because he’s got a thing for Meg? Does she remind him of his place in this spiraling catastrophe? Is she a love interest? His motivation felt driven by his attraction to her, perhaps his own responsibility- feeling obligated to shield the token sacrificial lamb from an inevitable end. Whatever it is that drives him, he resigns himself to helping her- and the horrors star to accumulate around them. Including the death of a cook (sucked down the drain almost comically), and the death that gave me a panic attack: the sweetheart waitress Fran Hewett (played by the lovely Candy Clark). 

Fran’s death was scary because it fully described, without mystery, what it felt like to be aware of your own approaching death. She scrabbles in the phone booth like a trapped animal, dialing 911 in search of Sheriff Herb. When his head floats into her line of sight, half-dissolved and digesting within the Blob, terror sets in like a death rattle. The shots of this scene are claustrophobic and stifling. We feel her raw terror, we see her as the individual who cracks in the face of death- the real sacrificial lamb of the film. Her role, though small, was innocent and wholesome. We’ve all known a waitress by name, we’ve all been treated special by that woman who seems to channel maternal energy. Watching her die feels like peering down the barrel of a loaded gun. She braces herself against the booth and then the glass breaks, engulfing poor Fran in a mass of agonizing pink gloop. 

This scene was filmed using a mock-booth that was only 3ft tall, with an articulated doll made of Candy. They blasted the doll with air mortars to create what was the world-ending scene of the film for me. I myself am claustrophobic, and this entire experience sat with me long after I watched the movie. I would have nightmares of being trapped inside a photo booth, surrounded by pink, waiting to be burned away to slime.

The blob gets bigger, angrier, and more effective. It infiltrates the local theater through the air ducts and wreaks havoc for a strobe-festered horror on the crowd inside. Children are swallowed up, girls peel off the floor like melted bubble gum, and our main characters juggle the chaos with the introduction of the fucking government.

That’s right, the Blob is a scientific experiment gone AWOL. I’ll give kudos to Brian for his role in their involvement. Where Meg believed in the integrity of the government, Brian sets her straight: these people are worse than the thing they created. I’m not trying to say not to trust the government (now I am, don’t trust the government), but the film definitely winks at what is a very real concern. The danger of government experiments, what would happen if something like this actually took place? My first thought was that they were going to nuke the city, blow it to smithereens the way we saw in Return of the Living Dead. However, it seems that they don’t intend to do this, instead these hazmat poindexters want to sacrifice the whole town to the “specimen”. They scare the public into believing Brian and Meg are “infected” with a pathogen related to the Blob. One of my favorite supporting characters, the lead scientist Dr. Meddows, does his best to manipulate the public into a sense of ease. He seals Meg, her little brother, Brian, and a fellow colleague in the sewer in order to preserve his specimen. Human life is expendable. He meets his deserved end by literally getting sucked out of his suit (a comical, entertaining way to see someone go).

I won’t leave without mentioning the death of the melt veteran from Robocop; actor Paul McCrane’s deputy Bill Briggs. Dude literally got folded in half hamburger-style and was never seen again. Props to that effect, was very cool. 

Like the blob in the original, this blob doesn’t do the cold. Long story short, they run a truck full of CO2 into the big pink mess and freeze it into tiny shards. The good reverend from the beginning has lost his mind throughout all of this, and I suppose, in honor of open endings, saves a piece of the blob for the day his senile ass wants to bring about a second coming.

Though Meg and Brian both live through the entire ordeal, the film is still satisfying. You root for them the whole time, you bite your fingernails and wait for the moment a pink tendril comes out to end it all. 

The Halloween movie had underwhelmed me as a child. I wasn’t checking every room of the house for a masked man. I was looking in my sink and my shower for signs of a color out of space. I could rationalize a murder. I couldn’t make sense of a manufactured organism getting out of control. I couldn’t rationalize or shake away the fear of being enveloped in viscous sentient acid. 

Say what you will about The Blob remake. Say it isn’t as influential, you’re lying. Say it isn’t as entertaining, you’re definitely lying. The Blob is a hilarious half-satire about the things that scare us the most: things we can’t understand nor control. It taps into the same vein of supernatural fear that cosmic classics like The Thing and The Fly boast about. 

If you haven’t seen it; do.

If you’ve seen it but not in a while: go back, sit down, pop some corn, settle in, and take it in. Take it in for the silly filming errors, the drifting booms and clockable reflections, the subtle mistakes in FX. Appreciate it for what it is, a sci-fi thriller that isn’t afraid to make fun of where it came from. 

Stop spending as much time comparing films that pushed the limits of what are now very modern special effects. Appreciate the handiwork of the practical magic involved in making this shit come to life. With the rise of CGI, films like The Blob are going to become increasingly more difficult to find. That’s not necessarily a knock on CGI, I have appreciation for it as a separate medium- but practical effects will always have me by my balls.

Enjoy craftsmanship, watch The Blob.

[nomiruiz]

The Lingering Trauma of Searching for Love as a Trans Youth

by Nomi Ruiz

When I was a teenage girl, I dated an extremely handsome and charming man named Diego. We met over the internet, and eventually would spend time together in his souped-up truck, talking and touching beneath the moonlight, under the loud boom of his sound system as his brand new rims glistened in the night. Eventually we graduated to the back seat, where we fucked all over that fresh interior until the sun began to rise. Slowly, as our relationship progressed, our tryst moved up to his apartment. That seemed like a big deal to me; we had never stepped foot onto the same concrete until that very moment.

The world wasn’t ready to see a man lusting over a trans woman, and so there was an unspoken agreement between us to never be seen together in public. Imagine what would happen, we thought, if strangers saw the look in our eyes as we sat across from one another at a dinner table. It was too much for us to even consider, so we chose to avoid public circumstances. There would be no holding hands on our way to brunch on a Sunday. No overnight stay, or sweet goodbyes in the a.m. as he scurried off to work, wondering if I was still in his bed, in his t-shirt—wondering if I was wondering about him. We knew we were safe in the dim light of his bachelor pad, hidden behind the fantasy and fallacy of it all. For what crooked smile could question the intent of star-crossed lovers if we never challenged their belief system? If we never even questioned the world around us and remain encapsulated in the callous act of limited love? Secrecy seemed like an easy solution.

This went on for a couple of years. The sex was exceptional and over time we became connected deeper on an emotional level—until one night it all came to a screeching halt. During one of our lengthy telephone conversations, he said, “Damn Nomi, if only things were different we would be in love,” and in that moment, the spell was broken. The magic had vanished, and I finally saw beneath it all.

I knew he was telling me he loved me while using a language that hurt me. I knew he was making an attempt to dedicate himself to me while asking for forgiveness. I was an outcast who taught myself that love was a weakness, but as I began to feel it for the first time I realized that love was like death, it was unavoidable and it was coming for all of us. In that moment of unveiling rage, I learned a lesson in both love and hate. Maybe over the course of our relationship I had silently accepted the barriers he built in his mind, but by no means had I ever given up on love. I was open to loving him even if it meant I was weak. In that moment, however, I realized it would never be an option. It would never happen in this context because he was in possession of a dead end soul. He was ashamed of his desire for a trans woman and wouldn’t let our love to come to life. Not in public and definitely not in his heart.

I told him he was right, that if only things were different we could be together, but I wasn’t the one who needed to change; it was him and his closed mind.“You understand what I’m saying! You know how I feel,” he argued. “I love being with you. I don’t want this to end. If only things were different. If only things were real.”

I stood there, shocked by his delusion. “You are going to die old and lonely,” I responded, “looking back at life regretting never having given yourself the opportunity to live your truth.” I never spoke to him again. And almost a decade later, I was right. Although he’s not dead yet he is still chasing me, still chasing his truth.

Diego was one of many lovers who kept me in the dark. Many who I never met at a restaurant for dinner or at a bar for drinks. Never did we go to a theater to catch a movie or a walk through a park. No museum visits or romantic nights out on the town. It was door-to-door delivery service, like Seamless for lovers. It was easy. Why face the pressures of society? Why take the chance of someone realizing I was trans and giving us a hard time? Why take the chance of his friends and family finding out he preferred the company of me over a cis woman? Why put us through that shame?

My fear of judgement allowed me to accept this poor treatment. Even as I grew older, prouder and wiser, I felt as if I was never perfect enough to be on the arm of a man. As society began to accept me because I grew to be what it deemed beautiful, I still wondered, was I beautiful enough? Beautiful enough for love—beautiful enough to be loved in public? Why couldn’t we just live in a fantasy? Why couldn’t we hide from violence? Why did we have to prove anything to anyone? 

It was all too much for my lovers and myself, so we never put ourselves in that position. We created safe spaces in the comfort of our homes, or whatever hotel room was available. Our intimacy only existed in these moments, and sometimes these romantic bubbles would become our primary relationships. Lighting and lingerie; our favorite wine and music. It was always the perfect setting with no pressure. We’d make love like beasts behind those closed doors, our sanctuary. We would speak about the possibilities of our future through weed smoke and locked lips. We’d discuss what the future held for us or would hold for us… if only things were “different.” Once, a man imagined how I would be pregnant, and I had to listen to him describe what our child would look like, how we would live together in a one-bedroom in Spanish Harlem where we would have way too much sex for our own good. We became addicted to this standard of love. Addicted to pretending we didn’t want something more from our trysts and to pretending our trysts were actually something more. It was easy to fantasize while living in a dream, for fantasies are not frightful nor do they cause any pain. The reality of seeing them through was the nightmare.

To this day I’ve kept some of these lovers. Not because I keep my romantic life hidden behind closed doors anymore, but because these men are still addicted to these moments of fantasy. Addicted to the sex and safety of it all. And even though I live my life in reality now, it is still easy to dip back into that bubble. I mean, who doesn’t love a comfortable night of wining and dining and fucking ‘til the sun rises while Mobb Deep plays lightly in the background, right? But as I find myself owning my identity and stepping into womanhood with pride, realizing my worth and what I actually want out of an adult relationship I can’t help but wonder: Am I enabling these men?

Eventually, I met my first serious boyfriend. We were together for five years and had a fairly normal relationship. But one night while we were having an argument, he said, “You should be thankful for having a man like me who accepts you.” I told him, “This is not special. You are not rare. This is normal. And the same way you accept me, there are millions of other men out there just like you.”

Although I may not have fully believed myself as the words fell from my lips, I was right. Since then, there have been others. I’ve met some extraordinary men who are brave and who have allowed themselves to be present with me even in the face of society’s judgment, but it has definitely been a journey—and I’m only now realizing how I’ve carried so much trauma from my shameful past. It turns out those safe spaces I created for myself and my lovers were actually danger zones, and were extremely detrimental to my mental health. I let myself believe that I was not worthy of love or of being treated with the same respect as any other woman walking this earth. I love a good passionate, private night indoors, but not under the pretense of shame. At one point I found myself involved in a terribly abusive relationship. I was so used to being shrouded in this constant shame that I found comfort in being trapped and controlled—comfort in what I believed to be a constant exhibition of pride and love through anger. He couldn’t live without me. He would show me off to the world and even challenged his parents when they threatened to withhold his inheritance because I was trans and couldn’t bear children. He was ignited by the anger in their eyes. It excited him. It made him feel alive. His revenge was a threat brought to life. He would die without me. He would kill for me, and even kill me, if I ever thought of leaving. In his own words, he would “dig my grave.”

My trauma had convinced me that this was love because it was out in the open. All his rebellion—in the face of a rich, traditional family and in the face of the society I had feared my whole life—became my revenge as well. Eventually, this sense of redemption became the misstep which left me open to receive even more trauma. I told myself how no one else could love him because I was the only one who understood his madness. I settled into the pain while giving him all my magic only to be handed back a diminished soul. “Forget about the bruises on your body babe,” he told me. “Imagine if they could see the bruises I put on your soul.” I allowed my character to be assassinated because I was high off his pride and, after years of building it up, had a high tolerance for pain—so high I didn’t even realize I was hurting.

Thankfully, it began to hurt too much. I never thought I would be thankful for pain but it saved me. It rose to the surface and finally became unbearable. I planned my escape. When I left, not only did I take my belongings, I also brought with me a new set of traumas that still follow me as I navigate my way through life and love. I still have a lingering fear and anxiety about dating in public places, but once I push through I begin to realize it’s only in my head. Getting there is the hard part. Meeting men by chance while I’m already out in public is much easier for me—but I find myself surrounded by predatory men attracted to my past sexual, emotional and mental trauma. Sometimes I’d rather not deal with it at all. Being alone is so peaceful. Loneliness is my new safe space, but there are times when I let myself out of that cozy little bubble and I meet men who actually don’t give a fuck what anyone else has to say. I call them brave and they tell me, “This isn’t bravery, this is humanity.”

I still don’t understand all of this. I’m still learning. But I know the more I stand up for myself and refuse to settle for less, the stronger I’m becoming and the less my traumas seem to have a hold on me. Saying it out loud has been the first step for me. Talking about it with friends, admitting to them when they ask “How are you?’ that I’m actually not that great. You’d be surprised how many times they appear relieved and reply, “Me neither.” I’ve learned to love myself unconditionally and I hope someday that will be enough. As a good friend recently told me, “Eventually you’ve gotta just jump and figure out that you have a daughter on your hands and it’s yourself and you have take care of her.”

It’s difficult to admit that you will never be a part of the society you’ve grown to know. But what if that freed us? What if looking good on paper became poisonous? What if being that thing the world rejects made you feel sexy and you found power in that feeling? How powerful it could be to find confidence and love yourself in the face of such opposition. I hope being rejected makes others feel beautiful, powerful and unique—because rejection is only a violent form of jealousy. I especially wish this for young trans women who are navigating their way through womanhood. What a fragile device, to be frail in the eyes of the preying. 

It’s only now that I see how much pain I caused myself. I look back and I feel so sorry for that poor, young girl who only wanted to love and be loved. To touch and be touched. To make love and build love and live in love. I hurt her, and it isn’t until now that I finally see it and I need to apologize. I’m sorry, Nomi, for causing you so much pain all those years. Sorry for poisoning your mind to believe that you are not worthy of love. You are worthy, you are love, and I know that now.

[sellinout]

TRANSCRIPT for DEEP CUT #1

Courtesy of Steph DiBona!

[music]

MIKE MOSCHETTO: If you’re listening to this you probably play in a band or at least did at one point. Probably not an unfair generalization to make. So, where do you practice? If you’re lucky you rehearse in your basement or your garage, some room in your home, or possibly your parents’ home. I had that luxury for many years, but now I live in a one-bedroom apartment that I share in one of the most expensive cities in North America so even if I didn’t have neighbors on either side of and underneath me, say I could make all the noise I wanted without a landlord, superintendent, or cops knocking on my door, I realistically couldn’t fit two amps and a drum set in this shoebox if my life depended on it. So what I and others like me do depend on instead is commercial rehearsal facilities. These are often converted storage lockers or rehabilitated industrial buildings. But, they can also be their own little cultural hub, places of expression for not only snotty punk bands but also performance artists, craftspeople, all types of outsiders that maybe can’t get heads through the door at your bog-standard rock club or even your DIY venue at the same neighborhood but whose creative output is no less important.

And such is the reputation of the EMF building, just across the river from me here in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Or at least it was a complex filled with local and touring artists and storied recording studios until it was purchased and shut down recently. The circumstances of its closure may seem unique on the surface but to me, deep down this is just another shining example of the way that economic realities like the luxury condofication of urban centers and predatory real estate speculation can make their way into our lives as creative types. Every once in a while the invisible hand of the free market will reach out and sucker punch you.

So joining me to talk about all of this is Ben Simon, a former EMF tenant himself and a board member of the Cambridge Artist Coalition, an activist group trying, perhaps in vain at this point, to save their space. It’s a story that I think needs to be head, one that contains many valuable lessons for you, the paying patron of a program like this one, from respecting the autonomy of other performers, to just the transient nature of institutions with artistic missions and simply valuing what you have while you have it.

Anyway, here’s the conversation I had with Ben, stick around to the end if you’re so moved to find out how you can help his cause. Enjoy!

[music: “I can’t afford to live in the town where I was born / but hey at least they’re developing this place for somebody”]

MIKE: You were obviously a tenant. How long were you there?

BEN SIMON: I’ve never calculated the exact number of years -

MIKE: That long.

BEN: - but something like five, six -

MIKE: Five or six years.

BEN: - years, something like that yeah.

MIKE: Would you say that there was a sense of community there prior to the eviction? Because like I have a space in Charlestown, I tried to get a space in EMF when I first moved to the city, and it was, like I was waitlisted. But you know, when I’m walking around my practice rooms no-one says “what’s up” in the hallway really, I haven’t met any friends or collaborators. So was that there prior to this or was it the impending eviction that galvanized people around the space?

BEN: I think it depends on who you ask. There were certainly people who had more of a sort of like knit community, probably somewhat insulated within the whole building. It wasn’t as though everyone knew everyone and said hi in the hall but...

MIKE: Well, there was obviously some turnover, right?

BEN: That as well, yeah, but WEMF Radio kind of had a crew of people around it, they eventually got pushed out before we were all evicted. Um, but yeah.

MIKE: It was, you know, New Alliance was kind of a fixture there too.

BEN: Right, right. There’s definitely been like communities within the EMF community that perhaps didn’t like include the entire building, but I wasn’t like really viewing it as a community space, more just like something I needed for my band. But yeah my experience was like this was a catalyst to becoming part of a community and pushing back. A bit of my own personal history, I grew up in a rent-controlled building in Porter Square in Cambridge and after rent control was abolished, you know, it was just a matter of time before our building was sold to a developer, and that indeed happened in the late ‘90s, and we were all evicted. We settled in the Midwest.

MIKE: Whoa.

BEN: And I came back as an adult and I’m just sort of more or less waiting to be priced out or have the same thing happen to me again. So this happening and seeing people starting to organize and fight back really meant a lot to me and it allowed me to feel like I was doing something to fight something that’s already, I’ve already dealt with.

MIKE: So, does the Cambridge Artists Coalition, does that rise out of this or was that preexisting?

BEN: It was not preexisting, um, yeah. The...

MIKE: So that’s like part of the organizing effort.

BEN: Right, yeah. The group was formed to sort of organize the tenants and see what we could do to preserve it as an art space and we decided to give ourselves the name Cambridge Artist Coalition.

MIKE: How many members is that, and compared to how many tenants were there at the time of the eviction notice going up?

BEN: Um, there were over 200 people, um, artists musicians in the building. As far as our group membership it’s difficult to say precisely, the first few meetings we had were, you know, around I don’t know 30 to 50 people, but you know as time went on it’s sort of been a core group of people that have like stayed committed. We have a Board that I’m on which is right now six people. We encourage more people to get involved and join the group, you don’t have to necessarily come to meetings to be part of the group.

MIKE: Sure. So this building is purchased in 2016 by this guy, John DiGiovanni, who is operating as some kind of, you know, property management developing company but he’s also president of Harvard Square Business Association. We’ll get to that later.

BEN: Yes.

MIKE: When these eviction notices go up, are there any grounds cited or is it just like “this is what I’m doing, see ya.”

BEN: When I first heard we were getting evicted I wasn’t given any reason. It seemed like the person who had received that notice hadn’t been given any reason but I’m also told that some people initially got safety as being the concern. That, you know, the building wasn’t up to code, et cetera, and we were all, you know, in danger so we had to leave the building. However, you know, people that formed the group went to the fire department and asked if the building was up to code and they said it had always passed inspection, there was nothing wrong with it.

MIKE: When this news starts going around do people start to jump ship immediately? Like, because the story here is obviously the steely resolve of the people who stuck around and fighting to the bitter end, including possibly at the time of this recording, people who are still occupying the space. Is that still happening?

BEN: That is still happening, yeah.

MIKE: Fuck yes. That is so awesome.

BEN: Yeah, it’s very cool.

MIKE: So do a lot of people just try to jump the gun...

BEN: I got the impression that there were some bands that yeah, moved pretty soon after they knew that we were going to have to leave. Yeah probably some of them thought that they would beat the rush.

MIKE: I mean it’s a tough thing to tie your fate to if you just need to keep being a band and keep rehearsing.

BEN: Yeah, for sure. We had our initial eviction date and then we got a one-month extension after going to City Hall and seemed to have the city, you know, concerned about our plight and wanted to do something. And they were able to negotiate with the landlord to give us an extra month, but I think that last month we were probably something like around, for most of the month around half capacity and then even less towards the end of the month.

MIKE: Dwindling, yeah. And somebody posted something about going into Public Records and finding John DiGiovanni’s donations to various members of Cambridge City Council.

BEN: Yes.

MIKE: Does this kind of explain maybe the city’s resistance to really pushing, like putting pressure on to buy it from him?

BEN: Um...

MIKE: Because that was a tactic, that was kind of the initial tactic of...

BEN: Yeah, I mean obviously you can draw conclusions from seeing the list of donations, um, and who received what. We’re not sure, we are concerned for sure that like the city’s initial interest and then eventual backing away might have had something to do with John DiGiovanni’s influence, financial and otherwise.

MIKE: President of Harvard’s Business Association.

BEN: He’s a very powerful man. And it seems very suspicious to us that, you know, the building had passed code and then suddenly was retroactively determined to be a death trap as soon as he wants everyone out.

MIKE: And is that the language used, “death trap” too?

BEN: I don’t know if he ever exactly used that phrase, but he said it’s unsafe for anyone to be in it in its current condition, which makes us very confused why he had us in there and was collecting rent.

MIKE: And the city also justified their resistance by saying like, “oh this would be a huge investment on our part,” right?

BEN: Right, they were saying, I guess their thing was like, “it’s up to code, but if were to buy it, it has to be even better than up to code” or it has to be really, really top notch. But we were concerned that it might have been you know a diplomatic way for them to backpedal out of coming to our rescue. Yeah, more or less.

MIKE: So, tell me about the genesis of the idea of protesting the Make Music event. So I should maybe, the background is that Harvard Square Business Association puts on a festival, kind of just like an outdoor music and arts festival every year called Make Music, or Fete de la Musique.

BEN: Yeah [laughs]

MIKE: Very pretentious.

BEN: Yeah. Well it was started in France, it’s actually an international event. Harvard Square Business Association just manages the local one.

MIKE: Oh, maybe I’ll be a little more charitable. So where does the idea come from to protest this Make Music event in Harvard Square?

BEN: So the structure of the thing independent of the Harvard Square Business Association’s running of it is that I guess musicians are not compensated. Maybe in other cities they are, but in Cambridge they never have been. And we just thought it was especially egregious and you know insulting for John DiGiovanni to evict all these musicians in what was, as far as I know, like the only affordable practice space in Cambridge. Claimed to be a patron of the arts, claimed to be concerned about community and art and then a couple weeks later ask those same people to play for free so that his businesses, the businesses in his Business Association can make a bunch of money from the people coming in.

MIKE: “Patron of the arts” in that capacity certainly seems to mean like art that you can kind of line your pockets with a little bit. And so leading up to this protest DiGiovanni agrees to a meeting. Were you at this meeting?

BEN: So there were two meetings, one was with the mayor, Mike Connolly who is also the State Rep. Mike Connolly who has been really a great ally. And then a couple people that were running businesses from, in EMF, recording studios and had kind of different concerns, had spent a lot more money or invested a lot more money in their spaces than the musician tenants. And yeah, apparently that meeting got a little heated at points. Um, so I wasn’t in the first meeting at City Hall so I can’t, um, one thing I can describe about the first meeting is that we initially came with somebody who’s been giving us free legal counsel. And at the beginning of the meeting as soon as he identified himself as a lawyer, John DiGiovanni said, “This meeting is not going to continue if he’s still here.” So he had to leave before we could proceed. But during that meeting John Glancy who is more or less the guy who got this whole thing started, the CAC group, asked John DiGiovanni if he’d be willing to meet again, the next day, with some people from the Board of CAC and he agreed.

MIKE: Okay.

BEN: Sort of surprisingly. But um yeah. So we had a meeting at Charlie’s Kitchen in Harvard Square. And he offered us beers, I think only one of us accepted that beer, oh, and then another guy got a like a Sprite or something. But yeah that was a, it was a strange meeting.

MIKE: Basically though, the Charlie’s Kitchen meeting sounds like a bit of an olive branch.

BEN: Yeah, yeah perhaps. It, it was not an accident that he refused to meet us until after we were already evicted. You know, like, we really have...

MIKE: The silence was deafening.

BEN: Yes. He completely refused to meet with us, and now, and then after we were evicted he’s finally willing to come to the table when we really have very little to gain, that he would be willing to give us. I think he was probably hoping to see what he could do to convince us maybe, or persuade us not to have the protest. He actually said during the meeting at Charlie’s Kitchen, “Oh no I believe in democracy, you guys should do whatever you want. But you know, this is totally misguided and you’re conflating all these things and you don’t really understand the way the world works. And, you know, if you really want to know the truth, this protest is gonna make me even less likely for me to want to play ball with you guys, to do what you’re asking for.”

MIKE: Well, I mean what are you supposed to do, your hands are kind of tied.

BEN: I mean, in a perfect world it wouldn’t rely on, you know, private developers to keep our communities intact.

MIKE: At any point has he made his intention with the building clear or is it just kind of a foregone conclusion that it’s gonna be a luxury condo?

BEN: He at least is making it seem as though he has no definite plans right now for the building. He said he’s intending to lease it to somebody who has a plan for it, but that you know he’s hoping to any economically viable project that should come his way.

MIKE: So ransom basically.

BEN: Yeah, I mean...

MIKE: From reading from this Cambridge Day article about it, Mark Levy the author here says “DiGiovanni made clear he has investors and has ‘to do something financially viable.’” Is any kind of optimism that is gleaned, any kind of olive leaf that is extending by having this meeting, is that just totally invalidated by this ideal like well, the bottom line is the thing?

BEN: It’s tricky ‘cause he at least professed to be willing to have it continue to be something like EMF provided that you know that x, y, and z were such that it was good for him. Yeah, we said would you be willing if we could find a non-profit to be involved perhaps, or we would get money to get the building up to code so it could continue to have the function it’s had as a rehearsal space. Um yeah, he’s like “yeah as long as the numbers work.” But yeah I think it allows him, I mean he can obviously just say that you know it doesn’t have to, it can be completely insincere, but he had a lot of blame to put on pretty much every party concerned in the matter except for himself. He said, you know, the tenants are at fault here, the city is at fault, the previous landlord is at fault, the previous manager of the Sound Museum who operated in EMF before he bought it, all these parties are at fault, but he is entirely not at fault.

MIKE: But he had to buy the place, so.

BEN: Yeah, I mean, he didn’t say this precisely but it’s probably true, that if he didn’t buy it someone was gonna buy it, and that someone was going to want to do something more profitable than what it was currently being used as, with it.

MIKE: Yeah that’s one way to look at it.

BEN: Well, that’s true. The thing that I really want and I think yeah the group generally wants to kind of promote is the idea that it shouldn’t just be a handful of wealthy developers that completely control the shape of our cities and like get to make the call about what kind of buildings, what kind of businesses go into our cities.

MIKE: Yeah, why should they get to decide, like why, when the ultimate incentive is just to go for what enriches them personally.

BEN: Right.

MIKE: And I have a, you know it’s very cool to me that you have Mike Connolly on your side, a Representative, and I have a quote from him here, from the protest where he says, “What good is Central Square’s Cultural District designation if the 99% of us who want to enjoy it can’t afford to live or play in that community.”

So did a lot of the folks that attended either of the two meetings, were they put off in any way from participating in the protest?

BEN: The second one certainly not, the first one I can’t say. The people that own the studios who were there, they didn’t go to the protest, so it’s possible that the way the meeting went had that effect to them, but.

MIKE: It’s been a couple of days since that action, and DiGiovanni was conspicuously absent. Has anyone heard from him since then, has he put out any...

BEN: Not that I know of, no. After the main protest and rally was done, we marched past Trinity, the Trinity Building on Church Street and posted a list of demands on his door, and chanted a pretty humorous chant, I think, outside his door, and marched on to Cambridge Common.

MIKE: Were those demands composed by the Board, or by the members of CAC?

BEN: Yeah, I don’t know that we ever really officially agreed on them in any sort of official way but they were ones we were talking about and they were bouncing around for a while. Kind of things that, the core things that we’ve been fighting for the whole time you know that he’d sell the building to the city or some non-profit that can maintain it as a formal art space, or lease it possibly. I think the term we used was sell. That he preserve it as an art space in some manner and also I think on there was that he refund us a year’s worth of rent, all of the tenants, for having, collecting rent in what he termed “an unsafe building”.

MIKE: Yeah, that seems...

BEN: And, and I think lastly was if he does not do these things that he should step down from the Harvard Square Business Association because he’s not committed to its tenets, or its core values.

MIKE: And you had a big turnout it seems like, on your side?

BEN: Yeah, yeah it was a good turnout, somewhere between 150-250 people came out, and uh, yeah I mean I think it was the biggest stage area of the event. Previous years, you know, I think there were twice as many stages and twice as many bands but a lot of bands dropped out in solidarity with us.

MIKE: Excellent.

BEN: And that sort of, like the core stage area in front of, in Brattle Square, in front of Crema Café and stuff like that, all the bands of that stage area dropped out and the person running the stage offered it to us.

MIKE: Wow, that’s amazing.

BEN: So, yeah, we, from my perspective we had the biggest, best-attended event going on in that festival.

MIKE: And what I appreciated about, from what I read about it, was that there wasn’t any really vocal discouraging anyone to play, it was just like you know “I don’t wanna deprive you of your autonomy to gig,” it’s about the music ultimate at the end of the day, if you wanna sing protest songs, if you wanna turn the mic over to an EMF member, something like that.

BEN: Right, we definitely very deliberately tried to not be divisive, and make it seem like you know we were against any musicians who chose to play. There were some people on Facebook who like described musicians who refused to drop out as scabs, and a lot of people disingenuously tried to say, “oh that this is what this movement’s about” but no, we never endorsed that and we were, we tried to be very upfront about the fact that we were totally fine with anyone choosing not to be part of our protest, not to, you know, to just continue to play as they would. I mean it’s a very, yeah, it’s a tough world, the world that music occupies and I totally understand you know, not wanting to pass up the opportunity to have a gig.

MIKE: Absolutely. Now that that has happened, what’s next? Like, what do you do moving forward to continue the push? Is there another big action plan, how can people help?

BEN: We definitely want to have another big action, while momentum is still strong. We also have potentially a court date coming up for some of the people who are still occupying their space in EMF so we do have a GoFundMe. Anything you give to that we’d be using towards potentially legal fees, lawyer fees for that court date and planning future actions to elevate this and similar issues. Personally what I would really like to go forward or do going forward would be sort of to broaden our anti-displacement and anti-gentrification tactics or strategy, and I don’t want to be fighting about just like we shouldn’t have artists being displaced, we shouldn’t have anyone being displaced out of their communities and that’s the kind of really bold, progressive legislation that needs to be getting passed and is criminal, I think, that state and city governments aren’t on this. We have to be a huge pain in the ass to both private developers who are, you know sort of de facto city managers but also yeah definitely our city and state representatives who are sort of sitting on their hands and letting this, you know the evisceration of our communities nationwide go on.

MIKE: So have you personally found a new practice space? Of all the people who have stayed behind to occupy the space or who got out early, like how cataclysmic has the displacement been? Are people kind of floundering without a place to express themselves or..?

BEN: I think it’s really cataclysmic. A lot of the bands I talk to, you know, the last few days as I was moving out my stuff said not only did they not have a space, they didn’t know when they would get a space, they were gonna go on hiatus with their bands for a few months. Some people were talking about moving out of Boston. Like, this is a devastating blow to the city of Cambridge, greater Boston, we’re losing a ton of artists because we’re not recognizing that we need to give them the infrastructure they need to do what they do.

MIKE: Have the folks who’ve managed the spaces at EMF set their sights on kind of relocating or trying to take over another unused space that would maybe fill that gap?

BEN: When we first started getting organized and went to city hall to bring this to their attention, Quinton Zondervan, one of the Cambridge City councilors who hasn't taken money from John DiGiovanni and has been also you know in addition to State Rep. Mike Connolly, really awesome and helpful, he wrote a thing that’s called a policy order and some of the items on it were you know, negotiating for more time for us, which happened, but also one of them was looking in to find another space that could do the same thing that EMF did. Even that still hasn’t happened but it could happen, I hope it does.

MIKE: Sure, yeah. I mean in Cambridge, eh, I don’t know.

BEN: Yeah, I mean there are actually a fair number of just disused buildings that are kind of sitting around and empty lots here and there. But when you know the mayor and the Cambridge City Council were discussing potential future sites and they brought up this handful of buildings that are sort of lying vacant right now, something that kept coming up was that people are gonna be angry if this doesn’t become affordable housing when we have an affordable housing crisis.

MIKE: I mean people are gonna be angry if EMF doesn’t become affordable housing on the same token, so...

BEN: Right, right. And there, I don’t know, it’s been very frustrating to me because I think a number of people in city government have sort of made us seem out to be like we’re these little privilege musician folks that you know, and obviously a lot of us are not at all privileged but, um, but that we’re vying for a bigger piece of the pie but there are other people that we’re just ignoring and sort of more or less pitting us against other marginalized groups and saying that we’re being selfish and egotistical or whatnot. But, I mean it’s somewhat understandable...

MIKE: I mean yeah, you’re right, there’s an affordable housing crisis right now.

BEN: Sure, sure sure.

MIKE: But to me, it keeps coming back to the fact that it is designated as a cultural district, like, so other than bands that can you know, basically play at any two-drink minimum bar or like bring heads through the door at one of the places on Mass Ave., right like what about the people who don’t necessarily, what about people who are still artists whose work is valid and vital right?

BEN: Definitely. I guess the thing that I would want to throw back at city and state government is like, if you all would actually do your jobs and actually represent the masses, there wouldn’t need to be different groups pitted against each other, struggling for bits of these handouts because we would have policies enacted that would prevent displacement from happening at all. And that parallel organizations like our own need to emerge in order to put pressure on our representatives and hold them accountable. And, you know, or even run their own candidates for city councils and stuff like that. I mean the Richmond Progressive Alliance, the RPA, on the West Coast has been a great example to similar progressive groups all over the country and I think is a, yeah a great model to look to. But yeah, going forward we’re definitely hoping to endorse people for city council, who knows maybe even run some people from our own group.

MIKE: Yeah, a coalition of kind of concerned parties.

BEN: Yeah.

[music: “every new business that opens up is an overpriced bar or bougie restaurant / our venues are closing but we got a Whole Foods, everything a tech startup could want”]

MIKE: That’s Ben singing under the name Toby Tantrum. To contribute toward the EMF occupiers’ legal fees visit gofundme.com/saveEMF. You can get in touch with me at sellinoutpodcast@gmail.com or on Twitter @sellinoutAD. Thanks for supporting the show! I’m Mike Moschetto, you’re listening to Sellin’ Out. See you next time!

[music: “you’re not as smart as you claim to be / but hey no hard feelings when it comes around, for Christmas I’ll buy you a dictionary”]