#steviemillerslife

[steviemillersdiary-blog]

I’m back..

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU’RE TRIGGERED BY ANYTHING NEGATIVE PLSSSSSS

Okay, so i said i’d have a blog post up by 8pm, but here i am with 8 minutes to go and i’m still on my first sentence and there’s so much to write.. I’ll be late for my own funeral, i swear to God, haha.

I’ve not been doing too good. In fact, i’ve not been this unwell in a long time.. Years! It’s shit, i’m so depressed and angry and stubborn and cba and everyone fucks me offfffffff. If there’s one thing i’ve learned over the past few months it’s that 

Your happiness is in your hands, never put it in anyone else’s hands. 

If you get a ‘feeling’ about something, it’s probably your gut telling you something. Don’t second guess yourself and go with it, even if that means hurting for a little while. 

Not even the most perfect human in the world deserves your tears.

Self harm is so unbelievably addictive.

Christmas Eve 2015, i chucked myself from a top (3rd) floor flat, i split my femur in two, shattered my hand and broke my wrist, shattered the front of my pelvis, broke the back of my pelvis and then later on in hospital my entire pelvis collapsed in on itself.. I hit the floor and was completely conscious, the pain tore through me and my world got turned upside down. I had multiple surgeries to fix my body, i had a metal bar screwed to my femur to help it grow straight and normal and shit and i had a bar put in my pelvis to hold it up and in place to heal which was removed 4-5 months later. I also had another surgery earlier this year to remove a screw from my leg that was lodging in and out.

I regretted the decision to jump the minute i hit the floor, i knew shit was gonna change but i wasn’t prepared for how much. I had to learn to walk again, it was horrible. So many times i’d just give up, refusing to try walk at all. I couldn’t do it, why bother trying? But they pushed and pushed and one step turned into two turned into five and so on. After discharging myself against the doctors will and lying my way out of the psych ward, i was finally in my own bed. 

I told everyone that i was having a cigarette at the window when i lost my balance and fell out.. Everyone knew i was lying but i just wouldn’t drop it, i lied and lied and lied and lied. I didn’t leave my flat for months, i could barely walk to the toilet and back, so many times i got stuck in bed and ended up pissing myself.. Gross, right? Yeah, reason 1 as to why you shouldn’t jump out of a window. I gained weight. I gained so much weight. Of course i did, i couldn’t fucking move, haha. I started losing myself, i didn’t know what direction to go in, i didn’t even know if i wanted to go forward.. Why couldn’t my neck have snapped when i hit the floor? That’s the only thing that was going through my mind.

Anyway, long story short, i ended up being fucking miserable, hating my appearance, unhealthy, lost, etc etc etc. Going from someone that worked out, danced, bubbly, hot mess but super fun to someone that couldn’t move was hell, i just wanted it to end. 

I then started to be someone i wasn’t, i lied about my past because i was so worried of other peoples opinions. I lied about some things so much to the point i started believing my own lies. I was a COMPULSIVE liar. What’s most annoying is that i’d lie about stupid things, like how many people i’d slept with, how deep relationships with certain people went, i lied about being stable, i lied to everyone to make them think i was okay, i lied so i didn’t worry anyone. I lied because i was worried about OTHER PEOPLE.. Where the fuck is the logic in that?!

I got called up on all of my years of bullshit and i didn’t know what the fuck to do. There were so many things that i wasn’t and still am not ready to face and instead of listening to myself and taking my mental health into account, again i just made stupid choices because i didn’t want to make anyone unhappy.. I was a mess. I felt like i was stuck in a dusty snow globe that had been left on the shelf. I felt disgusting, tired, grey, deflated and fucking miserable. I listened to other people and started to believe their mean words and slowly but surely i went from hating myself to fucking HATING myself.. And then hating myself even more for letting other people get to me on this level.

Everything was shit and i just wanted out, so i took myself on a walk, bought a bottle of wine, wrote 6 letters, got on a bus and took myself to a bridge that was over a dual carriage way. I took my coat off and climbed over the barriers. There was no-one around and then suddenly there was.. A man appeared out of no where and grabbed me just as i let go, the next hour seems like a dream, i was dragged over and pinned to the ground until police arrived, i was cuffed and still pinned to the ground, so i started smashing my head off the concrete, i gave myself horrible concussion that months down the line i’m STILL dealing with! I was put on a section 136 and taken to the psych ward.. I once again managed to bullshit my way out of that and was sent home.

I was so fucking miserable that i was caught. I literally did not want to face up to some of the horrific things i had done. I couldn’t bare to live with myself knowing how many people i had hurt and was continuing to hurt. Sounds cliche, but if i was to die, people would hurt but then they’d move on and they wouldn’t have to hurt anymore, you know? Obviously that’s bullshit and in actual fact, everyone would hurt more than ever and for a very long time, but since when did i think rationally? I felt all of this pain, but something kept me holding on, every time i felt like i was losing it, i saw a white feather, or a butterfly, or two magpies, small things that just kept me holding on. False promises kept me holding on. Fake friends kept me holding on. Bullshit insults kept me holding on. POISON kept me holding on and i’m fucking glad about it. 

I’ve learned so many lessons through all of this, i’ve learnt about myself, i’ve got friends for once in my life, i’ve found interests about things i didn’t know i was interested in, i’ve pushed myself to the edge time and time again and some fucking how i kept holding on.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been tough and i’ve fucked up several times but if you fall down 7 times, you get the fuck up 8!!!!! I’ve recently been struggling with self harm which is annoying as i went so long without anything drastic and then i fucked it up and self harmed through muscle and caught my tendon which if i went a little further would have ended in the loss of my right hand. It’s fucking incredibly addictive, i wish people knew how addictive it was before they started cause fucking hell if i knew, i’d have never started in the first place.. The euphoria, the dizziness, the hot and cold flushes, the RUSH of adrenaline, fucking hell it’s so messed up. Bad habits really do die hard.

I want to get back into making Youtube videos cause the happiest i’ve been was when i first started making videos. I knew what i wanted and where i was going and how to get there, i enjoyed everyday, i was thankful to be alive, i was LIVING.. It wrecks my nerves and boggles my mind as there’s so many people that watch my videos and i don’t wanna let anyone down. So i’m kind of stuck as to what to film.. An update video? Something quite the opposite? IDK!!!! Help.

I’m 53 minutes late on posting this and i love writing so much that i’d be here all night talking about my mess of a life so i’m gonna stop here. I’ve probably missed a million things and there’s so many tiny details that i could get into, but i’m thinking of saving that for a video? Sometimes it’s easier to chat shit than it is to type shit..

Thank you so much for your constant love and support and thank you SOOO much for all your hate and nastiness cause boo, i’m kicking harder and harder.

If you’ve read up until here, PLEASE comment on my recent instagram post so i can thank you!!! I’m so fucking grateful like you legit do not understand.

I love you all so much!!!!!!!!!

[steviemillersdiary-blog]

A positive post wtf

Okay, so i wanna start by saying THANK YOU. Thank you SO much for your response on my most recent blog (if you haven’t read it and want to, click HERE!) You guys are legit the reason i get up every morning and i’m so so so thankful for your love and support and allowing me to do what i love.

PLOT TWIST, I’m feeling positive for the first time in what feels like FOREVER. I’m starting to feel myself again, embrace my extra, over the top, ridiculous personality, accept my flaws, come to terms with my past and absolutely SMASH the present. 

Today, i watched a talk on Youtube by Marisa Peer, click HERE to watch it. What i mean by that is, you have no choice in the matter. Click the link, sit back and enjoy.. Then thank me later.

I didn’t realise how important self affirmations were, how much they actually WORK?! Just by writing ‘I am enough’ on your mirrors, you’ll begin to feel a positive change in your life. It’s as simple as that.. It doesn’t matter whether you’re genetically depressed, or breezing through life, this one simple change will change everything.. You wanna bet that i’m going to write it EVERYWHERE!

I’ve tried different therapy, i’ve tried every medication under the sun, i’ve had stays in the psych unit, i’ve tried what feels like everything.. Yet, i have only recently begun using positive affirmations. 

I was introduced to positive affirmations for the first time when i was in the psych unit, i was having therapy to build my self esteem and confidence, they had me write all of these cringe things on paper and stick them everywhere in my room, i literally laughed at the idea and only bothered giving it a chance for a couple days before getting stressed that i was STILL a miserable fuck that hated herself. I left the affirmations there and never went back to give it another go up until i was reminded of the power behind such a simple thing, so i decided to put 5 affirmations in my Reminders that pop up throughout my day. 

You are NOT your mistakes,

You are stronger than anger.

You are WORTHY of love.

Other peoples opinions are nothing but opinions.

You don’t care about other peoples opinions.

I hadn’t even noticed whether this had made a difference cause i was so caught up in things changing until today when i was sent a message from someone i care about deeply reminding me that sometimes you don’t know how far you’ve come until you pause and look back and my mind just blew up after reading that.

Since putting these reminders in my phone, i have bucked up the courage to remove the people from my life that were dragging me down and if you don’t know me, this is one of the HARDEST things for me.. You could be completely toxic to me, but if i give a shit about you, i struggle to let you go. I’ve started blogging again, filming for youtube, looking after myself, i have friends.. Let me repeat that.. I HAVE FRIENDS!! Like people that come and chill and hang out and enjoy my company......... It’s been so long since i actually felt wanted, hahahaha cringe but idgaf. I don’t dwell on the past as much (still working on that) and the biggest change of all.. My anger.... I’m in control again and i am fucking GLAD ABOUT IT. A few months ago, my anger started spiralling again. I felt completely out of control. I hated it cause i’d worked so hard to put it all in my back pocket and it all felt completely pointless cause it had come back with vengeance. I let peoples choices wind me up to the point i’d hurt myself, someone else or the closest object to me.. I would end up a mess on the floor, repeating ‘you’re not this person anymore’ over and over again. I’d lose my shit after like 2 minutes of drama and it never ended well and i hated feeling so angry, hate hate hate hate anger... Now i don’t give a shit, someone fucks me off and i remind myself that someone elses choice of actions of words are nothing to do with me.. That’s THEIR choice, not mine, so whyyyy am i getting mad about it? Then i’d get the fuck over it.. It’s BEAUTIFUL!!!!!

I am finally coming out of one of the darkest places i’ve ever been in and i know it’s not all going to be a breeze and i have more struggles to face up too, but one thing at a time.. 

I

AM

ENOUGH!!!!!!!

You are enough.

We are all enough xo

PS - If you’ve read this far, thank you so much and i hope this helps you in one way or another, i’ll be adding back the first 50 people to screenshot my snapcode and add me!

ALSO!!!!! PLEASE watch the video i suggested at the top of this post! It will help, i pinky swear. xxxxxxx

[steviemillersdiary-blog]

MY FIRST POST! -From the start (age 6) to my first section in a psychiatric unit.

May be triggering to some.

Hey, my name is Stevie-Lee Miller, but i prefer just Stevie. I’m 21, i was born 18th June 1995 and crazy bitch is my middle name.

I’ve been on a absolute rollercoaster when it comes to my mental health and sustainability. When i was around 6/7 years old, i used to get overwhelming feelings of sadness, emptiness, loneliness, you name it, i felt it. I didn’t understand why i felt this way as my family were wonderful, and people i went to school with never spoke of or seemed as if they were feeling the same so with my lack of understanding, i began turning sadness into anger. I understood anger. Anger was on TV, adults got angry, my friends at school would get angry, teachers got angry, i just understood it a lot more than sadness.

I began turning into a demon child, smashing up my room, my siblings rooms, my mums room, ok so basically i smashed up the whole house on a regular. I refused to leave the house, let alone go to school, i punched and head-butted absolutely everything until i either passed out or was restrained.

At the age of 11 and after a long 4 years of me hating the world and causing my family so much distress, i finally broke down and begged my mum for help. I was immediately put forward for Anger Management and i worked my ass off to try get control of this horrible demon in my mind, that stopped after around 2 years and my anger got better, i still struggle sometimes to keep it under wrap, and i do lose control sometimes but surely that’s better than before?

Well, kind of.. As i began to learn to control my anger, i also began to learn that it’s okay to feel sad and that everyone feels sad sometimes, so as i pushed one issue under the rug, many more issues began flooding out.

When i was 13 i began self harming, whether that was through cutting, burning, pulling my hair out, head butting things or food. When i started, it was MY thing, and no one would ever have to find out, i finally had control of something.. Well, so i thought.

(To those who think they have control over their self harm, whatever form, i promise you with every inch of my heart, that control will disappear and it will be difficult to stop.. So while you have control, don’t test it, stop NOW.. Before it’s too late)

A year later, my mum found out about my self harm and took me to the doctors, they refused to medicate me due to being a high suicide risk (some tablets can make you more suicidal) and instead, i went for counselling - which was pointless as i'd had a great upbringing and they were searching for a problem that wasn't there and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). Sessions were going well, i was too miserable to care that much, but they were going okay, until my counsellor went on annual leave and i had someone fill in for her.

The conversation went something along the lines of:

"Hi, Stevie. I've read through your notes but i'd like to hear things from you, if that's okay?" "Yeah sure, what do you wanna know?" "Just a bit about yourself, please." "Umm, okay. I'm Stevie, I'm miserable, I self harm, I-" "OHHH you self harm, what do you use?"

I then went on to tell her what i used and how i did it and no word of a lie, she cracked up laughing and said "Damn, you must be determined!" To which i responded "No shit, why do you think i'm here?!"

I walked out and never went back. I went from age 14-17 with no professional help other than a prescription of Prozac from my GP. Due to both my mum and dad reacting awfully to Prozac, my mum wasn’t happy about this decision. I was clueless towards everything, to me, this pill was the answer to all of my problems...

Damn, i was wrong.

My mood began to elevate over the course of a few weeks, and it continued to elevate, my anxiety was crazy, but my mood? Fuck, it’d never been better! I continued going up up up up up up up until the 21st December 2012 - I had my first psychotic episode.. 

I now know that the reason for this is because someone with Bipolar shouldn’t be medicated with antidepressants alone, they almost always have to be either replaced or paired with a mood stabiliser, but because i had no mood stabiliser (They didn’t know i had Bipolar at the time) my mood continued to shoot upwards until it couldn’t go any higher.

I remember it like it was yesterday, fuckkk. I began having HORRIFIC anxiety attacks and had to be taken home (i was at a friends birthday) when i got home, the paranoia kicked in, i felt like someone was watching me. Everything escalated so quickly, next thing i know, i have people saying the words ‘you’ve got to get out, you’ve got to go, you know you’re not meant to be here” OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER for hours! I was freaking, i could hear them, like as if someone in the room was saying it. I didn’t know what or WHO was real. My mum wouldn’t let me leave the house, all the doors were locked and my shoes were hidden - not that i really cared about shoes, - so i attempted to jump from my bedroom window but was caught and pulled back in. I wanted the voices to stop, i was scared, why me? What did i do to anger them? Where are they? I can hear them, but i can’t see anyone?

And that’s when the psychosis went from hearing things, to completely changing my reality.

My mums girlfriend (at the time) was trying to restrain me while my mum tried to humour me and i thought my mums girlfriend was a monster that had got in and was going to hurt me and my family..

So i grabbed a knife and launched at her with every bit of force i had.

Thankfully, she managed to JUST dodge the knife and i was tackled to the ground where i was held until a doctor come out and medicated me, sending me to snooze land until the next day.

I woke up with what felt like the worst hangover EVER. I was sooo tired, my muscles hurt, my head hurt, i had bruises and cuts, both self inflicted and not and i was scared. Everything felt like a bad dream..

After i woke up, my mum bought me in a coffee and explained that we had to go see some special people that were going to help me be happy again and after begging her to cancel it, i was put in the car and driven to the local hospital where i met with the Crisis Team (now known as the Access and Assessment team) being 17 and a half, i was given the choice between an adult psychiatric unit or a child’s one.. I refused both and was put on a section and given the same choice. I decided to go to the adults unit as it was only 20 minutes from my home, whereas the child’s unit was around 2 hours away.

That was my first ever psychiatric admission, it was fucking crazy and so much shit went on.. But i’ll save that for another blog.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you sooo fucking much for reading this and actually paying an interest in all of the rubbish i have to vent.

For those curious about Youtube, don’t worry, i’ll be back!!! I just have to focus on my health first which is why i made this blog.. And knowing people are reading it makes me nervous, but happy but still nervous. I’ll be posting probably all of the time, i’ll also upload videos that are like phone quality with little to zero editing. I will be using this as a diary of my life.

If you want me to write about certain things, or post about certain things or reblog certain things, just drop me a message! (There’s a button next to the ‘Follow’ button)

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIENDS AND SUPPORTING ME THROUGH EVERYTHING! I hope this blog can bring us ALL closer together, like a little family.

Tomorrow is a new day, smile.

I love you, Stevie xo