#suicidalgirl

[g4taverde]

Quiero seguir y no.

¿Cómo se explica?

[lonelybrokengirl99]

I want to cut. So bad. Watch the blood run down and feel the sting. Feel the rush of endorphins the only thing keeping me sane. Scars aren’t enough, they heal and fade. The only thing for sure is the knife and the blade. They find me here time after time. They’re in my head and outside my mind. You know who you are, I need not say it twice. I hope you’re happy with my brutal sacrifice.

[ladyzess]

It has been two lonely Christmas days. 2 consecutive years. I feel like shit. It hurts so much. I just wanted to cry forever. Or maybe just die right now.

[pattch]

Cuando siento una presión en el pecho que me impide respirar dejo que mis muñecas hagan el intercambio de gases

Suki-pach

[chinchinobcena]

The Day I Attempted To Kill Myself

Behind this smile is a story of a woman who attempted to end her life. Yes, I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE that’s why I got hospitalized. I’m posting this not for attention because when you’re depressed, all you want is to be alone in your bed or just be with very few people you trust the most and feel comfortable with especially just the love of my life (he was my family and made me feel like I was never alone). And it was hard for me to find the courage to share this because I don’t want to be judged. It’s just such a chaotic world out there… Anyway, I knew there was something in me for more than a year or two already. But I never faced it because I thought I can manage it. Mind over matter, right? Get a hold of your feelings, just do the things that make you happy, surround yourself with good people, stay busy with work that you’re passionate about, and inspire people the best way you can do… But at the end of the day, it’s still there. And as time went by, I got worse… I came to a point where I’m scared of so many things, I cry over people leaving as if they died. I felt so lonely (even when I’m not). When I’m around people I’m not close with, it suffocates me, I just want to go home or be on my phone. I feel so walled, I’m scared of everything and everyone. I always assume that everyone I meet will just leave anytime, like people just come and go… I always had a hard time sleeping so I’ve been drinking Benadryl before. But I’ve still been so anxious and sad even if it made me groggy. I had episodes—I was sad and crying, sometimes without a reason even. There’s just something inside me that I can’t control, AT ALL. There were months I couldn’t eat, and when I was just about to take a bite of my food, it makes me want to vomit. And then I helped myself get up again. And it became a cycle. I’d tell people, I was just on a diet…

I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with clinical depression. She first asked me why I was there and I said, “I’m tired of fighting this everyday and it makes me sadder how it affects the people around me especially the people I love.” My medicines have been working well and sedates me at night so I can sleep. I became my old self again—jolly, talkative, I don’t run out of stories to tell, annoying and makulit. It gave me hope and every day my boyfriend would remind me that I’m strong and I’ll get through it. He made me believe more in myself, he made me feel like I had a support system. But at the same time it makes me sad how I affect him and how he has to deal with me like this. He never made me feel like I’m a burden, but I always think that I am. He doesn’t deserve someone like me.

While taking medications, I looked for other things to do so I won’t depend on meds. I started playing games, watching netflix, reconnecting with old friends, and learned to rest. Because all I did before was to work—I only get up to work, go to events, take photos, finish deadlines, do unboxing, create whatever content. Yes, that makes me happy, but the pressure and knowing that it’s all work also drains me at some point. But I promise it’s my passion and it’s what makes me happy and keeps me going. I also like the feeling of how I make people happy and inspire them, all their messages on Instagram help me to keep going too. But then eventually, I felt like my body got used to the meds and it’s like I became immune from it.

Oct 31, my Tito and Tita went home to the province but I couldn’t cause I had work for Halloween. Nov 1, my body felt so tired, I felt sick too. The whole building was quiet, and all I saw on Instagram were people with their families. It was sad but I was still okay watching Dynasty. But every after a few hours I’d go to my bed and just relaxed my body and then watched again. It was only my boyfriend’s presence (through text) that didn’t make me feel lonely. I was so excited for him to be home so I can see him on FaceTime. He wasn’t my world (because I do so many things everyday and I don’t always get to see him), BUT he was my hope, he gave me hope, and he made me believe in so many good things in life. Everytime I see his face, I just get sooo happy and I make a lot of chikka to him that sometimes it’s too much that he couldn’t absorb everything anymore but I see it in his eyes how happy he is too seeing me lively and talkative and excited about my kwentos. Nov 2, I was so down and crying because idk maybe bec I’ve been in my condo alone for days or my meds weren’t working anymore, idk if I needed a higher dosage, but my mistake was I never messaged my psychiatrist about it. I called my boyfriend crying, I “needed” him again. And eventually, I couldn’t take being a burden to him or to anyone anymore. I can’t always be a burden to people I love. I love him so much and I just felt like he deserves someone better and I shouldn’t be his responsibility. I wanted him to have a better and happier life—everyone wants that. But at that moment, I just realized I’m already too much for anyone to handle. Too much for my friends, too much for all my loved ones. So I decided to take my life away…

I always thought that nobody loves me as much anyway, and maybe they wouldn’t even mind if I die. Cause I’m just a burden to people I love. And just always wearing a mask in front of other people pretending she’s that jolly funny talkative girl. I just got tired of myself and got tired of fighting… The normal dosage of my meds are Tab A (¼) and Tab B (1 whole), so I took Tab A (¼ x 48) and Tab B (1 whole x 10). I wrote a letter to my mom saying, “I love you… I will always be here…” and messaged her “I love you Mama.” Because we were never the cheesy type but I just really love her for whatever. And then I messaged my Tita that I overdosed myself. She and my Tito went all the way from Tarlac but I was already unconscious/sleeping idk when they arrived. I barely remember things because I took so many meds, all I remember was my Tito, Tita, Mom and my boyfriend were there in the ER. And lastly, that my boyfriend kept hugging me and kissing me on the forehead before he went home telling me to be a good girl and that he will message me. I held on to that... And that moment I realized there were people who really love me, that I actually mattered. I suffered so much in the hospital and until now. The feeling is just so bad. And I was having withdrawal syndrome, that I just wanted a successful suicide yesterday. I couldn’t find any reason to live. There was nothing else on my mind, but to end my life. My mind was vague because of the withdrawal, like it’s also withdrawing my brain (char). I just don’t want this to feel so heavy for you guys. But kidding aside, my friends had a hard time stopping and controlling me and they made me realize that what I was feeling was just the withdrawal and I shouldn’t let it get into me. I was still supposed to be in the hospital, but I forced them to discharge me because being there made me feel worse, sad, and sick. It’s like I’m in a cage and there was nothing that could make me happy. I want to heal naturally, choose to heal with a healthy mindset, but still see my psychiatrist of course.

All I wanted to avoid was to be a burden that’s why I wanted to vanish but I just ended up hurting the people who love me. I just became a total burden rather than not at all. All I feel right now is guilt, I hurt the people I love. And if I actually died, I would regret seeing them affected and carrying what I did for the rest of their lives. I just want to say sorry to everyone I’ve hurt, it was just really hard for me fighting my depression everyday and seeing people having the “responsibility” to make me feel better so I chose to end it all. To the people going through something, never be afraid to seek for help, and I promise you there are people who genuinely care. Don’t ever feel like you are a burden because if they truly love you, you never will and they will help you get through it without even asking for it. Because that’s what my boyfriend kept telling me but I just let my depression win me over. Please trust your loved ones more than that depression that kills you inside. Don’t let all the love and effort they did for you to be put to waste. The only way you can pay them back is to help yourself get better, trust them, and keep yourself alive even when it’s hard. Sometimes, if you can’t do it for yourself anymore, do it for the people you love, it helps to be strong for the people you love too.

I actually wonder why I’m still alive cause I really took a lot of meds to make sure it comes to an end. But as my friend told me, “Surely you’re not meant to die yet. Your life still has a purpose, there’s a reason why you’re alive.” And maybe this is it, sharing my experience and realizations to the world. Let’s all help each other and not only think about ourselves. Be positive even when it’s hard. But don’t bottle up your feelings, and let it out once in a while. Balance is key.

Never beat yourself up, you can still start over. Believe that it will all get better… You have no idea how much courage it took me to share this to the world so please, be strong… I just want everyone to believe that life is worth living. When things feel heavy, just look at the people who love you and it will all make a difference.

I’m sincerely sorry to all my loved ones for trying to take my life away. It was so selfish of me. When all my boyfriend did was to make me happy and help me get through everything...

To my boyfriend, hurting you was the last thing I would want to do or should I say I WOULD NEVER WANT TO DO and I fucked up, and made you go through the worst... It breaks my heart to know that I broke yours. I’m deeply sorry and I know it will never be enough. If only I can take it back to take away all the pain I’ve caused you, I would. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you so much. And I will never put all your love and effort to waste, I will be better. (Just had to write it here, because messaging him directly won’t help him and won’t make things any better…….)

I don’t care about what people think of me now. If some of you are gonna be judgmental or whatsoever. Cause I tell you what, I never believed in depression before and I thought it’s all in the mind. And this life changing experience proved me wrong. But I know there are still people out there who have a big heart and I hope you could help people who are in need and make them feel loved, especially your loved ones. I kept this from a lot of people even my close friends because I didn’t want to be judged. I don’t feel embarrassed nor scared about it anymore. I accept myself for what I am. And I choose to pick myself up to be the best that I can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still normal. I just have episodes of sadness especially when someone triggers it. That’s why I only surround myself with people I trust and I’m comfortable with. Their care just calms me and makes me happy.

Just 5pm today, for the first time, I went to a Psychologist. And this is what he told me, “You may not see it now but you’re in the process of seeing life in a deeper perspective. There’s a reason why you didn’t die.”

I don’t want anyone, in any way, to feel sorry for me. All I want is for everyone to learn from this whether you’re depressed, just around a depressed person, or none at all.

There’s still so much to say but I’ll end this here.

THIS IS ME, CHIN CHIN OBCENA, RAW. I AM CLINICALLY DEPRESSED BUT I SURVIVED AND I WILL BE BETTER.

[ashleyjonashart]

Día 2 de 365: decidí quedarme a pesar de que me lastimaba todo lo que hacías, decidí que no podía dejarte solo en este momento, pero ojalá me lo hubieras pedido, ojalá me hubieras dicho que me necesitabas, tal vez así no estaría sintiendo que te estorbo, pero claro... el hubiera no existe.

ImAshleyHart

[jlcorvobianco]

Tʀᴀᴅᴜᴢɪᴏɴᴇ:

“Voglio solo dire addio, scomparire senza che nessuno lo sappia; non voglio vivere questa bugia, sorridendo al mondo inconsapevole. Non voglio che ci provi, hai fatto abbastanza per mandarmi avanti; starò bene, starò bene, starò bene per l'ultima volta.”

[𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬 • 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐲𝐰𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐝]

[loveingandhatinglife]

[xweirdalienx]

"i rather die than be alive for one second & cry myself to sleep everyday."

@xweirdalienx

[lonelybrokengirl99]

Have you ever felt like nobody was there. Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere. Have you ever felt like you could disappear. Like you could fall, and no one would hear.

[hitomi-soulknight]

Amazing story and to be honest, some things that are said there are kind of really true

[destructedsoul]

Why does reality exist when dreams are so much better #reality #sad #depressed #depressing #depressive #depression #suicidal #suicidalteen #suicidalgirl #suicide #suicidalthoughts #quotes #killingmyself #killmyself

[hoping-to-be-saved]

my life’s motto…

[lilytangel-blog]

Não preciso de um iPhone, nem de um carro importado, não preciso de todas as makes do mundo, nem uma coleção de sapatos... Eu preciso é ser feliz... E é o maior obstáculos de todos pra mim.

[inkgutszato]

#gothicgirl #darkart #suicidalgirl #darkcarnival #digitalart #mexicanartist #drawitinyourstyle (en Zapopan) https://www.instagram.com/p/ByegIAyBKkh/?igshid=10g8qrza8c6l

[xweirdalienx]

i died & no one cared... this is killing me inside.. i can't think straight everything is still there it doesn't matter if i want it to leave it won't it never leaves until it ends you..