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#suicidial thoughts
brokenobstacless · 1 month
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x: how bad did it hurt?
x: I lost all my motivation.
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mostlysadposts · 8 months
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Some nights I can't even fall asleep anymore. Some mornings it's hard to get up.
Some days its hard to keep moving.
And some days I just don't want to wake up anymore.
I guess this is one of them.
I guess im just really tired of trying not to love you anymore.
I guess I just hope I won't wake up anymore.
But there's always a light. Right?
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rskbunny · 6 months
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get out of the fuckin sh tags if yer goin to mock anybody for how they sh and pressure them to sh how you like to. we're not makin fun of our fuckin addictions nor encouragin others to sh. fuck off.
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rpdepartment · 1 year
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all this time, i've felt like my time to go would arrive
that ɪᴛ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʟᴀsᴛ ғᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ           i've been decaying
                                                                   moldy scaffolding                                                                       ritual strangling
                             no matter what i try, ɪ sᴇᴇᴍ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʏ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ
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innamorato del dolore
l'ho inseguito in ogni dove
mi ha promesso protezione
poi mi ha tradito e rapito il cuore
non ho più le forze, dico soltanto che non ce la faccio
anestetizzo qualsiasi emozione, la depressione mi ha preso in ostaggio
e non penso voglia lasciarmi, c'è qualcosa dentro che mi sbrana
la realtà mi sta lontana
mi sento perso, cerco me stesso dentro gli altri
poi il tempo passa
ma ad un certo punto ho detto "adesso basta"
che così si muore
- Scusate per il sangue, LowLow ft Mostro
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bi-naesala · 1 year
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(TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation)
After spending day after day in a cell, this interview they’re going to subject him to should’ve been a breath of fresh air, a nice break from the monotony of the inmate life, but Adachi couldn’t be more annoyed about it.
Who exactly thought he wanted to appear on TV? Oh right, they weren’t thinking about what he wanted at all; not that they ever did – he wouldn’t be here if the world had ever fucking listened to his needs – but c’mon, can’t a man be left in peace? He’s already agreed to live by the rules of this world, what else do they want?
 He’s already dreading this interview, and it hasn’t even started. Soon, he’ll be retrieved from his cell to be taken to a TV studio – ‘ cause apparently he’s dangerous, but not enough that he shouldn’t be let out of his cage – where first, he’ll be styled in a decent manner, as if there’s really the need for it, and then he’ll be drilled by questions about things that he’s sure won’t have anything to do with the actual case, all to sate people’s curiosity about the twisted mind behind Inaba’s serial murders.
If he’s lucky, he might at least get a reporter that will pretend to be sympathetic – or at least not judgmental – to get him to spill everything, and won’t try to humiliate him in front of the camera-- wow, talking about a very reassuring best case scenario here!
 Oh well, it doesn’t matter: what Adachi truly hates is that he’ll have to come up with something that will make his answers make sense. It’s not like talking about the TV world is a viable option: they’d think him mad!
Sure, they’d surely give him a lighter sentence if they believe he’s crazy, but then, wouldn’t they put him inside some mental facility? That feels even worse.
Besides, if he has to abide by the rules, he has to get the sentence he deserves, no matter how harsh it’s going to be. He isn’t going to run away.
 Geez, he can’t wait to be done with this, so he can go back to enjoy the solitude of his cell, hoping that this will be the last time he has to do something like this.
… It won’t be, won’t it? Even before he was caught, this case was making the rounds on TV; he doubts they’d back away now, not when they can torture him like this. One would guess that his desire not to be seen and get on with the sentence peacefully would be seen as something to encourage but no, he’s gotta do this fucking interview no matter what.
 … He wonders if they’ll let him wear Dojima’s tie. That’s one of the few things he’s been granted to keep, that and his suit; Adachi doesn’t know who’s pulling what strings for this, but he is a tiny bit grateful that he doesn’t have to wear the prison garb, though he has no idea if it’ll change once he gets his sentence.
He hopes it doesn’t. It was gift, after all, a gift from…
 As he fidgets with the tie, feeling its texture beneath his fingertips – a recently acquired habit – he can’t help but to think of the Dojimas.
Dojima senior comes to visit quite regularly. It used to take Adachi by surprise how relieved he felt each time the guard retrieved him for his visit, but by now, he’s gotten used to it: after all, there isn’t a person more stubborn than Dojima. If he says that he’s going to keep visiting him, he will continue visiting until he can.
He speaks of Nanako often, sometimes prompted by Adachi himself, though she’s never come to visit. Neither Adachi nor Dojima have ever brought that up knowing that, while Dojima can pull some strings to visit him himself, he can’t do the same for Nanako. Besides, she might be too upset if she sees him like this; now, Adachi isn’t sure about how much Dojima has told her about this ordeal, or how much she’s heard from the TV or her friends at school, but from the way he talks about her – “she misses you” – she must not know the entire truth. That, or she’s as forgiving as her cousin, which he hopes isn’t the case – she’s smarter than that c’mon.
Still, he wouldn’t mind seeing her again, or even just hearing her voice. He’d even be willing to help her with homework if she ever gets to visit… but it won’t happen, so he might as well stop daydreaming like that, lest he gets trapped inside a series of dumb fantasies that will never become true.
 Ugh, he really doesn’t want to do this interview, but what can he do about it? It’s not like he can leave…
Well, there is something he could do, a way that would put an end to everything.
As he caresses his tie, he wonders what would happen if he were to pull it too tight. Would someone even notice it, or would they just leave him to suffocate on his own? He’d be alone in death, just like he’s been in life.
It’s a thought that has already crossed his mind, since he has memory: even before he was aware of his death wish, he used to think about what would happen if he were to suddenly disappear, or die; he actually spent a lot of time fantasizing about this: at first, when he was still a naïve little boy, he used to imagine his parents, classmates and teachers attending to his funeral, crying from desperation and regret, because they should’ve treated him better, they should’ve paid more attention to him, but then he grew up.
Now, when he thinks about his death, all he’s able to picture is a tomb, dusty and ruined by the passage of time, just that. Nobody mourning, nobody crying, just a lonely tomb. After all, who would want to visit him?
 Images of Dojima and Nanako flash in his mind. They would mourn him.
 A sudden sense of sickness comes over Adachi…
 H-He’s gonna vomit any second now…
  Feeling like he can’t breathe anymore, he loosens his tie, but when that doesn’t seem to work, he throws it as far as he can.
Okay, it’s a bit better now. At least he can breathe.
 No, he can’t do that now: if he dies before he gets his sentence, the investigation will have to resume. Everything that happened would’ve been all for nothing.
If he has to play by the rules, then he must get his sentence. This story has to end.
 He thinks back at Dojima and Nanako. He can’t… Not to them…
 Ow, his head hurts.
 Adachi sighs, and goes to unroll his futon, so that he can lay down, hoping that some rest before the big event will help. At least he won’t feel too shitty when they come to retrieve him.
 No matter how much it sickens him, he knows these bad thoughts will surface again, but he’ll keep ignoring them.
Maybe after he gets his sentence, he’ll think about it, but for now, he has to stay alive.
 … What a pain.
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maxitob · 4 months
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Tengo muchos revuelos en mi cabeza,
y cada pensamiento me pesa.
Estoy condenado, y aunque quisiera no estarlo,
ya no hay manera de correr,
solo de persistir sentado,
y con un vacío que me seguirá a todos lados.
No creo poder zafar nunca más de este abismo,
porque sin este vacío,
¿En donde queda mi camino?
No veo otra fase mía sin este sentimiento,
solo en donde he perecido
sin ningún arrepentimiento.
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hurtfinch · 1 year
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When will today be the last today?
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nonbionearth · 2 years
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Er hat es geschafft.
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thefostermen · 1 year
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No necesito que salven de mis pensamientos suicidas, esa batalla yo la perdí hace tiempo, necesito que me comprendan, la muerte es la única cura para eso que esta mal en mi cabeza y que los antidepresivos no pueden borrar.
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brokenobstacless · 9 hours
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They say that someone dies when they no longer have a place in the world, I guess I died several years ago.
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wild-pineapple-butt · 2 years
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(ɔ ˘⌣˘)˘⌣˘ c) (@godless-crownless-king)
Snuggle the Pineapple ||| Accepting
@godless-crownless-king
It was just one of those days... where his mind was a dark muddled mess, toxic and negative thoughts swirling in his mind. Already, Renji was someone who didn't excel in the self confidence department, yet today, for some reason those self deprecating thoughts were weighing much heavier on his mind.
As he sat on top of the roof of Las Noches, staring out into the dark desert, his mind took him through the journey of his past up until now. Ever since coming here, this was his favorite place to go and find inner peace, looking out at the endless sand dunes, the rise and falls of the dunes cleansing out his mind.
With a sigh, he leaned and glanced over the side, wondering if he fell, just how long it'd take to plummet to the bottom. A tempting thought. Immediately, his mind conjured up an image of him laying on the cold hard sand, blood splaying out from his body, most likely void of life.
Was he better off like that..? It disturbed him to realize that image didn't affect him one bit, his heart and mind already numb from all the deaths he'd seen, all the trauma he'd gone through. He'd just be one life missing from the millions that already existed. What difference would it make?
Another exhale and sigh. What was he doing...? His head and eyes were starting to hurt, exhaustion slowly settling in. His body didn't want to move, only to sit here and stare out at the vast empty space. No sign of life, save for the small scorpions that occasionally darted out, scurrying off to wherever they were headed. Not even they wanted to keep him company. How funny.
His eyes glance down over the edge of the castle again, peering into the deep dark depths. It'd be a long way down... for sure. Would it hurt? Probably. Maybe... he'd try..?
No. Not today. Not today. With a resigned sigh, he gets up off his feet reluctantly, and jumps off the edge, smoothly landing at the bottom with a soft thud. Entering the castle from the front, his legs bring him down long various hallways to where he needed to go. The maze of hallways, ingrained in his brain, already knowing where his destination lay.
Aizen... he shuffles over to where his lover sat, reading a book. Without much of a warning, he takes the book and places it on the coffee table in front of them and proceeds to sit in the other's lap, facing him. Wrapping his arms around the other's neck, resting his weary head upon his lover's shoulders and closing his heavy eyes. This was his home now.
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girlblogging9 · 2 years
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Sometimes I feel like I don't have much time here,every day a part of me leaves and doesn't come back. I didn't want to die without experiencing love.
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rpdepartment · 10 months
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would anyone ᴄᴀʀᴇ would anyone ᴄʀʏ
if i finally stepped off this ledge tonight ?
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I'm gonna get real here again, besties, and it's dark so please don't read if that's a trigger for you!
If there's anything I've learned from the past year, it's that the depression will always be there. It's not as overwhelming anymore, I got it under control most of the time.
But it's there, the black emptiness crept in 10 years ago and it never really left. Sometimes it comes back in full force and that happened a few months ago, I fell back hard and at one point I seriously considered going back to rehab. Cause with the darkness come the dangerous thoughts and when that happens is when I realise how much of my own survival I hold in my hand every time I give myself insulin for food, every time I take my beta-blocker meds... I realised a long time ago how very easy it would be for me to overdo it. I have to live with that knowledge now and sometimes that's harder than it should be.
People talk about bouncing back you know, but I don't think I will ever be the same person again. And maybe that's a good thing, because I learned a lot about myself, I really did! I appreciate the good times so much more now and I can just bask in the sun, but as the saying goes: there can be no light without the dark.
I think that knowledge just hit me and I'm taking a minute to mourn the old, more carefree me.
I will be okay, and I got it tattoed on my foot:
This too shall pass
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organizzare giorno per giorno il proprio suicidio è pazzia
eppure lo fai anche tu... eppure lo fanno tutti...
lo stile è potenza isolatrice
perdere il senno
giustificarsi una vita e non perdonarsi mai
siamo l'ultima speranza di noi stessi
un giorno capirai che non avere niente
è la parte più bella dell'avere tutto
quel giorno ti bacerai la mano e ti sorriderai allo specchio
ti ringrazierai di cuore e poi ti tradirai
ogni atto di volontà è un atto magico
ricorda...
quel giorno sarà il primo ed unico giorno
in cui avrai potere su te stesso
sarà il giorno in cui capirai
che è sempre stata solo colpa tua
- Liberami dal male, Axos
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