#summer is even worse everything in me remembers having at least a month and a half off and now i get a week and a half unless i use leave

[yayroos]

full time work is such a con it's the first day of the school holidays (2 week break) here and I'm stuck at my desk but good god my body remembers this being free time. I am aching to go hang out in the garage or wander around in the sun or spend a whole day with a friend. I am tired and desperate for a break and I can hear kids in the neighbourhood in their backyards.

[birthedstars]

A Legends Baby

“Ash, dude…You had to have been high or something,” Liam looked at Ash skeptically.

“I'm telling you, it was Bigfoot. The guy had to be almost eight feet tall, hung like a horse by the way, and had feet big as a Hobbits,” Ash threw up his hands for example.

“You expecting me to believe Bigfoot piped you on the ski trip AND no one else seemed to notice? No fucking shot,” Liam rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well, it happened. What? Did you want me to take a selfie while he was fucking me?

“Yes. If it was THE Bigfoot, I would have!”

Ash crossed his arms and went back to his room. “Fine, don’t believe me.”

~3 months later~

“Fuck, why am I gaining so much weight,” Ash struggled to button his pants.

Over the past few weeks Ash had been gaining weight. Particularly around his lower abdomen. His belly button has gotten slightly shallower.

Ash suddenly felt nauseous. In an instant he's bent over the toilet bowl, hurling last night's burrito into the water.

Liam dropped a pregnancy test on the table.

Ash blinked.

“I'm not pregnant,” Ash said.

“Oh, so you took a test already?” Liam cocked an eyebrow.

“No…”

“Uh huh. You're Bigfoot’s or some super lumberjacks baby daddy, I'm telling you,” Liam said.

“So you believe me now?” Ash laughed and shook his head. “Bigfoot is not even the same species as us, He couldn't get any regular human pregnant.”

Liam shrugged and walked out the bathroom. “Fine, remember me when you get a deal for ‘I didn't know I was pregnant’ episode.”

~7 months later~

Ash closed his apartment door and nearly fell to his knees. So much pain, so much pressure, drowned him as soon as he got away from prying eyes. He clung to the wall, face scrunched and sweat on His brow. Ash's gait was wide as if he was preparing to squat.

For the past few hours, the pressure and routine tightening of his belly had gotten so much worse than the days prior. Brief discomfort has become aggravating pain. The work day had been bad enough with all of the comments about his appearance and the sweltering summer heat.

He tossed off his sweatshirt to reveal the cause of his pain.

His stomach was huge, round, and taut. His belly button disappeared into the skin of it, replaced by stretch marks only slightly hidden by hair. It hung low, only being cradled by his palm. The waistband of his drenched sweat pants curved dramatically beneath it. He stumbled forward into the apartment, his gait wide and waddle slow.

“Fuck, this can't be real. Please no,” Ash grunted and held his tightening belly. “Just need to rest…”

He still denied the obvious conclusion, even after 7 months. There was no way, despite contractions, huge belly, and fluid as evidence.

At least the apartment was empty, so he could save some dignity. Liam was away on a vacation out of state. No help or snarky commentary from him was going to come.

Ash gripped the frame of his bedroom door. His mouth and eyes widened as a heavy weight dropped into the cradle of his open cervix. Something was dropping into his pussy. His eyes widened as he realized the shape of it was round, hard. He wanted to just get to his bed, lie on his back, and close his legs tight.

A strong contraction crashed into him in response to that thought. Ash cried out, digging his nails into the door frame. His stomach twisted. The instinct to bear down overwhelmed him. The huge object surged forward as he pushed unconsciously. It took everything in his power not to fall to his knees.

His vagina quickly filled tightly with what he was creating for weeks. Ash's toes curled in his shoes in pain. He couldn't walk to his bed with his hips so splayed out.

Ash's pussy bulged around the solid round object. The burn nearly drove him to tears, but then the contraction stopped. He dry heaved and looked down at the pool of fluid dripping from the bowled out crotch of his sweats.

The same pussy Bigfoot had cum in 10 months ago was now spread wide and bulging through his sweatpants. Ash trembled as he slowly accepted the truth he'd been denying.

Ash untied the drawstring and allowed his pants to fall to his ankles. He reached over his belly, towards his crotch, knowing and fearing exactly what he'd find. His fingers immediately felt the wet, hairy head of a baby between his fingers.

Ash clasped his other hand over his mouth as he felt the huge head spreading his pussy under his palm. His whole body trembled in disbelief.

He should have listened to Liam. He was pregnant and giving birth. His stomach and back seized, sending Ash into another chorus of crying. His pussy spread wide into a painful circle around the hair head.

“Fucking! Get out!” Ash screamed as he slid further down the doorway into a squat. His belly, hung between his thighs, seized in on itself. The pressure and power behind his push drove the baby forward and spurts of fluid gushing out onto the wood floor.

His body lurched as the head and shoulders rocketed out of his pussy with a rough gush of fluid.

He gasped in relief, but continued to push regardless. The body didn't budge and offered Ash nothing but a severe pain in his cervix.

Ash stood up painfully with a deep ragged breath, head and shoulders between his thighs. Why didn't he just fucking listen to Liam. He just had to have Bigfoot's cock, couldn't just snap a fuzzy pic of him and run like normal people.

Another contraction came, he pushed. Nothing happened. No matter how hard he pushed, he couldn't get the baby to descend any lower. Something was stopping the baby from moving lower. The pain was already infuriating.

Desperate, Ash carefully wrapped his hands around the body. His belly began tightening and his back started to lock up. With an almighty roar, Ash pushed and pulled. His body twisted, the muscles in his body rippled as whatever was making the baby stuck started to give. Ash could feel something big come out of his cervix and into his canal. He bit his lip, tugging Bigfoot's baby out of his pussy centimeter by centimeter.

“Fucking hell!” He screamed out.

He threw his head back as his pussy rapidly spread apart . The burn hit him hard and then left as quickly as it came. Ash's body finally released its grip on the baby, his stomach deflating instantly as his child slid out of him. Ash's legs gave out beneath him, leaving him to fall against the wall.

Ash tiredly stared down at the heavy baby in his hands. It had his dark black hair as a mane on its head. But what really caught Ash's attention were what was at the end of the kids legs. The hairy, already crying baby had larger than normal feet. Because of course it did. This is Bigfoot's Kid after all.

“Never fucking without a pill again…” Ash murmured, slumped against the wall.

[unclewaynemunson]

Steve's dad was a grade A asshole. At least, that's what Steve thought ever since the first time he got in trouble for drinking beer with Tommy and Carol instead of studying for his Spanish test – which he ended up failing spectacularly.

His dad was strict, kept going on and on about how Steve should work harder, shouldn't expect to get everything handed to him on a silver platter just because they had money, that the world was unfair but that he shouldn't take advantage of that fact.

It was infuriating. They fought a lot, all through high school, but after Steve graduated, it got even worse. He vividly remembered the day he got rejected for Tech, all his chances to actually get into college out of the window. He knew that his dad knew the dean, knew that he was only one phone call away from getting in - a phone call his dad refused to make. Mr. Harrington had been stubborn as ever, with his whole spiel of hard work and honesty and refusing to partake in nepotism.

And the worst thing about all of that? The fact that his father was right. The fact that Steve had indeed prioritized being keg king and getting into Nancy Wheeler's panties over good grades, convinced that his father's connections would be his safety net anyway.

So yeah, Steve hated his father when the man made him get some shitty job at the mall and work for his income like Mr. Harrington himself had done before he got to where he was now. The man was an asshole, obviously.

Until Robin. Until he saw from up-close what it meant to be poor, to have to climb that ladder that he had been on top of only because of the lottery that was birth. So during the months after summer 1985, he and his dad slowly but surely started growing closer again. Mr. Harrington helped him with new college applications, helped him think of good alternatives in case college simply wasn't for Steve anyway. Mr. and Mrs. Harrington welcomed Robin into their house with open arms, along with Steve’s odd gang of middle schoolers, relieved to see that their son had finally stopped caring about status and started valuing true friendship and loyalty instead. And when Robin was worried about telling her parents that she was a lesbian, they told her that she'd always have a place in the Harrington home, if she needed it.

'I'm proud of you, Steve,' Mr. Harrington said when they were reminiscing Steve's old high school days together during the Christmas break. 'And I'm sorry if I was too hard on you sometimes.'

'No, I get it now,' Steve was quick to say.

'I just needed to do everything in my power to make sure you wouldn't take for granted what we have. I told you often enough how things were for me growing up – I worked my ass of to get us where we are. I needed you to grow up kind, and humble. But I always loved you, you know that, right?'

'Yeah, I know that,' Steve answered, quietly. 'Love you too, dad.'

1986 came around and before he knew it, it was March and he was standing pressed against the wall of Reefer Rick's boathouse with a broken bottle to his throat. After the end of the world, his parents rushed over to the hospital as soon as they could and they took turns keeping Steve company at Eddie's bedside while they all waited and waited and waited.

Two months later, he found himself sitting opposite of his parents at the kitchen table, his hands trembling and Robin by his side as he told them that he was in love. And they smiled, told him that they saw this one coming since before Steve was even seeing it himself; that they loved him and that they thought Eddie was a wonderful boy and that they'd love to welcome him in their family.

That same night, Steve thanked his father. Because he knew that if it wasn't for Mr. Harrington trying to steer him towards kindness instead of arrogance time and time again, he would never have grown up to fall in love with Eddie Munson.

[bidisasterevankinard]

Inspiration Saturday

tagged by @hippolotamus (all the credit for me choosing violence to my beautiful wife cause she started it) , @spotsandsocks @loserdiaz @wildlife4life thank you 💙💙💙💙

Do I know when I will write it? Not even a little bit. It was little idea while i was walking some days ago and i just wrote some lines. But yep exes to lovers buddie here (they dated after 3x10 but after well Eddie ended it)

Eddie hates that he can't see Buck now. He hates that so far they let only a family in his room. He hates that none of the doctors will talk to him. And he hates how his heart screams that he could be the main person now in everything that concerns Buck, that if he hadn't ended their relationship then, perhaps now he could have a ring on his finger and the opportunity to know everything as a husband.

Eddie is sure that they could have actually been married by now. Because Buck or even he couldn’t be dating more than a year without popping a question. Eddie is almost sure Buck would be on his knees with the most breathtaking speech Eddie ever heard, despite Buck’s stuttering at almost every word it would be perfect for Eddie because it would be the best moment in his life except the moment Chris was born.

But they're not married and he's just a best friend.

All they had apart from years of friendship was three months when Eddie allowed himself to be happy, three months when he allowed himself to want and have, and then threw them away to suffer himself and see how Buck suffers, which only made everything for him worse.

All these months, Eddie can't stop wondering if that look and Buck's slight emphasis on the words about the couch meant that Buck begged him to tell him that they could try again, that Buck gave him a chance to say "let's do it again, but this time will do it right, okay?". The chance to tell him that Eddie's in love and his attempt not to fall in love with Buck is long dead.

Dead as Buck was in his hands. And maybe he will be again soon. Because Bobby said Buck was in a coma, said that everything looks bad and that the doctors miraculously did not lose him again.

The doctors said there was little chance Buck would wake up again and they should be prepared.

And Eddie wants to scream that it's not fair, that they should work better, should do more, should give him his lover back.

But more he wants to cry wrapped up in the hoodie Buck left the day Eddie told him they should finish their “thing”(Eddie still remembers he never could actually name it somehow and Buck let him never name it) before he’s in love if only he knew it wouldn't save him.

Then maybe he heard Buck say he loved him at least once. He could hear it every day he thinks with bitterness like someone poured vinegar in his mouth, because Buck would love him fully with his big heart, never letting Eddie even question his love. He would always show Eddie how much he’s loved. But it was never their case. Because Eddie was a coward and asshole and broke the best thing he had in his hands when it was so little, scared it would kill him one day. He was so scared of loving Buck that he never considered that never has a chance to love Buck before one of them dies, it’s worse. So now he is drowning in the pain of the possible loss of half of his heart and not knowing if Buck is still in love. Not knowing if he has a chance if Buck would open his incredible sky eyes.

Tagging if they want to share : @honestlydarkprincess @911onabc @ebdaydreamer @alyxmastershipper @transbuck @cowboy-buddie @lover-of-mine @heartshapedvows @bekkachaos @giddyupbuck @rogerzsteven @shortsighted-owl @buddierights @housewifebuck @thewolvesof1998 @wikiangela @hippolotamus @transboybuckley @devirnis @buck-coded @spotsandsocks @monsterrae1 @spaceprincessem @userdisaster @caroandcats @mandzuking17 @translasso @firemedicdiaz @jesuisici33 @bigfootsmom @jeeyuns @forthewolves @eddiediaztho and anyone who wants to share

[cassiopeiasdaughter]

labyrinth

Theodore Nott x fem!reader

part of the midnights collection

                    February 22nd 1999

Dear Diary,                   

Everything is fucked.

Notice how I only write when somethings terribly wrong? Well, try not to be too surprised with this entry.

Up until a few days ago everything seemed to go fine- well as fine as it could, given everything going on.

We’ve been making progress, rescuing muggles and muggleborns, shutting down attacks, even the horcrux hunt seemed to be going well, it felt like we had reached the beginning of the end.

But we were so fucking wrong.

There was an attack last week, well two of them. One was a distraction and the other one…well two safe houses were compromised, most of the order members got out on time, but two died. A Hufflepuff and a Ravenclaw, a year older than me. I never talked to them at school, but I knew them, I remember seeing them during breakfast and at hallways. And now… 

I kept thinking how it could have been me, and I hate myself for being this selfish, for not being the bigger picture. It’s survival instinct, I know, but I wish I could overcome it, ever since the war started I keep finding myself, wishing I was someone I’m not.

The only thing worse than dying in an attack, like that, would be, being the only one left. What if I survive and everyone I love dies, what’s the point of winning this- if there is nothing left, after. If the world ends up destroyed beyond repair, why keep fighting? For Harry, who claims the Light- Good will win?

Harry who could be a Horcrux? Yes, I know. Its unthinkable but Hermione and Moody think it’s true, it could be a possibility we shouldn’t ignore. It could explain so much that, almost everything that has happened all the years. His ability to speak with snakes, the nightmares, the visions. They could be tied to that. And if it is true, what then? 

I had

I slept with Theo on New Years, I… don’t know how to feel about it. It feels stupid even writing about it with the direction our world has taken.

It was weird at first, the next day, things felt different. It felt as if…the safety I feel when he is in my room, when we sleep next to eachother at night, it felt like that safety had spread everywhere, like it followed me around the next day.

I thought I would feel self-conscious around him, but I don’t, it feels as if he is the only thing left that makes sense. Maybe, it our way to cope, getting drunk isn’t practical and getting high…well I can’t do that everyday. Maybe having sex is our way to get through this war, sane? 

Although, it doesn’t feel like it’s that simple to me, it’s not just a coping mechanism, for me at least. But I won’t get into that, it’s selfish and wrong to think about that when there are bigger problems out there, tearing my sleeve as they beg for my attention.

Hermione has been doing a lot of research into Horxcruxes, Malfoy helps her a lot, he tells her everything he’d heard that summer- before 6th year. He, told Moody about his aunts vault, at Gringotts, how she had it checked every month, she was paranoid about it, that’s what he said. They think there is something important there. Bellatrix and her family, they have been nothing but loyal to Voldemort, all these years, it would make sense for her to be trusted with something as important as this. 

The Order, planned a mission tonight, a run-in at Gringotts, to at least inspect the vault, or find a way inside, and if they are lucky, find the Horxcrux.

They

You stare at the page in front of you, you can’t bare to continue writing, because what you are about to write, is the thing that’s been eating you alive all afternoon. You can’t explain how Theo was sent on this mission, how he could be recognized and then-

You don’t want to think about what could happen next, not if you want your breathing to remain even and your stomach settled. Instead, you charm your diary and conceal everything you’ve written, from the outside world, and then head downstairs, wait with the rest of the house.

“Any news?” You ask worried 

“No, not even a Patronus.” Hermione shrugs and hands you a cup of tea

You grip the hot mug with both hands, savoring the warmth in your skin, taking in the smell and focusing on the feeling it wakes inside of your chest. Ginger, lemon and honey. 

It reminds you of your childhood and the drinks your mother made you every time you got sick. Then, your family and summers with them, flash before your eyes. You would always miss Hogwarts in the summertime, all your friends would be either at the Burrow or at their homes, far away from your summer house. You’d complain about how isolated you felt then. It is almost ridiculous to think now. You would give anything for one more summer, taking walks at the beach- savoring the orange sky and the way it kissed the sea, how the color got lost in the water and danced on the waves. And then, as you think of the waves- you imagine the house Theo had told you about, that night. And how you would go there, once the war is over. And perhaps, this is the first time you’ve felt nostalgic about a place you’ve never visited before. 

You’ve clung to the hope of an after so hard, that this house- the one by the sea, with the perfect library and velvet loveseats, almost feels like home. You’ve painted a new picture of safety in your brain and the walls and colors of the house fit the drawing perfectly.

Then again, maybe, it isn’t the house that plants this hope inside you, but it’s the person that would join you. The one who would fill the house with laughter and stories, the one whose smell would float through each room and the one who’d make it a home. 

But that person isn’t here, and the frailty of his return shatters you. 

“They’ll come back. Moody is with them. They’ll be fine”

Your friend offers knowingly. As if your fears have spilled out of you and have turned into a cloud around the two of you, turning everything darker and colder.

You can only nod in response and ask about her progress and the boys, in hopes that her words will distract you. 

“You went flying yesterday.” She says with a smile “I haven’t seen you fly, since… Hogwarts.” Since Dumbledore died

“You’ve seen me fly on missions.”

“Yeah but that’s different, you looked free yesterday- it took me back to quidditch practice. Remember how I’d watch you three practice?” 

“Yeah; I remember you had a different book every single time. Ron always joked about that”

“I miss it” she says tear-eyed “And I miss the boys and-and” my parents you think to yourself and grab her hand tightly- anchoring her to you.

“I am so tired.” She finishes; and it hits you then how much this war has changed her. From the color of her face- to the spark in her eyes, everything now seems washed out.

Voldemort and his followers have taken pieces of her, of Theo, Ron, Harry, one at a time, stealing memories and feelings, taking away their safety and friends, leaving behind nearly empty shells; that fight- fight back and desperately try to reverse everything. And you can’t help but think of why they-why you keep fighting back. You can’t possibly undo everything that’s has been done so far. You can’t bring people back to life, you can’t reverse stolen memories or forget new ones. You can’t chase away the demons that will hunt you at night. With or without Voldemort in this world, you struggle to decide if it is worth saving in the end. 

Defeat one evil just for the next one to appear? To bring more nightmares and fights? More death?

At last, it may be that you keep fighting- because if you stop now, after everything that’s happened, everything you’ve had to face, and do, ultimately it will all have been for nothing. And that; is a fate worse than Voldemort winning, worse than death.

“I know you are.” You reply and open your arms for her to hide in. Hide and then let everything out- every disappointment and regret. Cry and hide from the world just for a few minutes, because that’s the only thing you or anyone can give her, right now.

They haven’t returned yet.

You finish writing a few hours later, with the weight of the night sky settling on your shoulders; the constant thought of “they should have come back by now.”, sitting at the pit of your stomach.

You notice a few of Theo’s things around the room, a sweater on your chair, a couple of books on the floor by his side of the bed. You realize then, the pattern you two have fallen into, a life inside the one you already live in. Intimacy; the kind that scared you once, is now your only shelter: your refuge from reality. It’s because of that newfound intimacy, that your room now feels lived in, and isn’t a gray space for you to sleep in. Its because of another person, that you feel protection at night and warmth despite the blistering cold.

The chance of never feeling his warmth again- paralyzes you. And it shouldn’t, because the chance of him not making it back tonight- or after a mission- the possibility of him dying, is a reality you must come to terms with, if you want to keep fighting this war sane And you almost laugh at the irony of that thought

And it is a cliche, its something you’d normally condemn stupid and immature- but there is nothing normal about this, so you must act accordingly.

I shouldn’t have gotten this close you begin writing but you hear voices all of a sudden and the familiar creak of the floor outside your room.

The door opens and its him, no blood, no limping- a darkens under his eyes- sharper than the one you’ve seen before.

“Hi.” He whispers and his eyebrows soften almost instantly.

You shouldn’t have gotten this close you remember, but you can’t control your legs as they move towards him- and you can’t help the way your body molds to his.

“You’re back.” You breathe in his scent as you bury your face in his chest, your hands gripping his jacket tightly- keeping him as close as you can.

He doesn’t say anything back, he just lowers his head to your hear- breathing you in in return.

You’ll stay like that for a few seconds, before you ask how the mission went, if everyones alright… You’ll stay frozen for a little while, before you have to force yourself to stay away from him, before you reprogram your brain to learn to cope without the comfort of his touch, or the whispered words he speaks into your hair at night.

I have to get away, remind yourself as you kiss him goodnight.

I need to get away, you think again, as you watch him fast asleep in your bed.

How will I get away? you ask hopeless as you hear the beat of his heart and let his arms trap you.

a/n: am I happy with this chapter? no. Was it necessary for me to finish it so this story could get moving? yes

taglist: @avalynlestrange @spacecadet16 @lucywritess @aleviia @marina468 @annaisabookworm @liarajoah @notasadgirlipromise @pariseffer @unlikelysadgirl @ktz-bb @lizisthecoolest

btw free Palestine!

[surftrips]

butterflies — part seven.

pairing: rafe cameron x female reader

summary: after returning home from college for the summer, y/n runs into rafe cameron and the two form an unlikely relationship.

word count: ~ 1000

warnings: swearing, violence, blood, angst

a/n: thank you for all the love on this series! i made it it’s own masterlist, which you can check out here!

Rafe wasn’t sure what exactly had transpired over the phone call between you and Emma, but he was determined to clear things up today. 

He would have called you last night after Emma left, but he remembered how you liked to go to sleep early. 

After spending longer than he’d like to admit picking out his outfit (he settled on just a t-shirt and jeans), he grabbed his keys and started heading towards the front door.

“Hey, where are you going? Isn’t it Saturday?” Sarah asked him from the kitchen. 

“I’m not allowed to go out on the weekends now?” Rafe responded, slightly annoyed. 

“Rafe,” Sarah sighed, “I’m talking about the fact that you haven’t left the house for something that isn’t work-related in months.” 

“Look, I’ll tell you later.”

“Is this about Y/N? Are you finally going to see her?” she asked, the hopefulness apparent in her voice. 

“Yeah,” Rafe gave in, knowing how much Sarah had liked you. “If she’ll even see me.” 

With that, he closed the door behind him and headed to his car. 

Last night, everything seemed so clear. But now, on what was supposed to be a short car ride to your house, Rafe began to overthink. A ten-minute drive became thirty as he took the long way and got “lost,” ending up parked outside a coffee shop downtown. 

"I didn't know you drank coffee like that," you remarked.

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me," he had responded.

That was months ago, the first time you two ever went out. It was the beginning of summer when nothing was certain, and you guys were okay. That was all you had needed. Now, Rafe looked longingly into the windows of the cafe, noticing that the seasonal flavors for fall had returned. 

For the millionth time, he wondered how you would react to seeing him again. Would you even be able to look him in the eyes? Would you forgive him? Or would you push him away like he did to you? 

But whatever Rafe thought, he knew he had to at least try. He could either take the chance now or spend the rest of his life wondering about what could have been, chasing your shadow in grocery lines. 

Rafe’s heartbeat began to quicken at the sight of your house as he pulled up. He noticed there was a new car in your driveway and wondered when you had bought that. Whenever you two had gone out, he was always the one to drive, and though he complained, there was no place he’d rather you be than sitting next to him and throwing gummy bears into his mouth as he navigated the streets of Kildare. 

Before he could change his mind, Rafe stepped out of his car and began the walk up to your front door. As he approached, he heard some loud noises that made him stop in his tracks. 

“Y/N, he is not your friend!” 

“You don’t get to tell me that anymore! You know nothing about him!” he heard you respond to a man’s voice. 

“I know enough! I know you called him, Y/N!”

“What the fuck? Are you going through my phone again?” 

Again? If this was the man Rafe thought he was…

“Yeah, maybe I am, since you can’t be trusted!” 

Suddenly, Rafe heard you scream, “Dylan!” 

Yup, definitely the ex-boyfriend you had told him about and Rafe was pretty certain he had just put his hands on you. He quickly ran to the door and began knocking fervently, yelling “Y/N, it’s me, Rafe! Let me in! Dylan, I know you’re in there, asshole!”

It was quiet for a moment before you started screaming again. “Rafe, please just leave! You’re just going to make it worse!”

“No, fuck that! Is he hurting you, Y/N? Because if he is, I swear to god-” 

“Swear to god, what?” Dylan yelled back, now at the open front door. 

“I swear to god I’m going to fuck you up,” Rafe replied sharply. 

“I’d like to see you try.” 

With that, the two boys began going at each other, each with no mercy for the other. Neither of them heard your pleads to stop, and unfortunately for you, you were home alone. 

You had no choice but to intervene before things got worse, knowing the two boys had matching anger issues. Looking around, you grabbed the nearest object (your mother’s favorite vase) and swung it blindly in the boys’ general vicinity. 

Wincing at the impact of ceramic on bone, you weren’t immediately sure of who you had hit. 

“Shit, Y/N,” Dylan said. 

Rafe was holding his head and bleeding onto your hardwood floors. 

“Fuck, fuck,” you hastily kneeled down to the floor, tears beginning to blur your vision. “Rafe, I’m so fucking sorry, oh my god.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Dylan interjected. “Don’t be sorry, this guy’s an asshole.” 

“Dylan, seriously. Now is not the time. Can we do this later?” you responded bitterly. 

“And what? Leave you here with him alone? No fucking chance.” 

“Dylan, please leave. Or I swear to god-” 

“You swear to god,” he mocked. “What is up with you two and swearing to god? You swear to god WHAT, huh?” 

“I will call the cops on you.” 

He faltered, “What?”

“You heard me.” 

“Y/N, you don’t mean that. It’s not that serious. We can handle this ourselves.” 

“Exactly. So please leave my house right now so I can figure this out.” 

“Shit, fine,” he relented, taking one more look at Rafe’s bloody face and spitting on the floor next to him. He mumbled something on his way out, but you didn’t care anymore. 

With Dylan finally gone, you turned your attention back to Rafe, who had not made a sound since he hit the ground. 

“Rafe, please, please say something. Can you open your eyes?” You were helplessly hitting his face to get any sign of consciousness from him. “Shit, did I give you a concussion or something? I don’t even know what the protocol for these things are, oh my god.”

On the verge of giving up and for fear that you had quite literally murdered the most important person in your life, you began to sob violently and reached for your phone to call 911.

—

TAGLIST: @holy-macncheese-balls @everythingmarveltopgun @maybankslover @totallynotkaibiased @allsmilesreally7 @kys4-20 @golden-tangled-earphone @siesie2 @palmwinemami @madelynie @drewsandsebastianswife @missamericanablog @loveu-always

(let me know if you want to be added!)

[icedmetaltea]

Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

[obliqueblade]

Update- Health Concerns/Inspo/ rambling a bit

“So Oblique where have you been?” 

That is a great question reader. The truth is complicated… and rather long. 

Not to be like “ao3 writer moment” but… 

I have cancer. Had it for a while actually. I got diagnosed right at 20, but I had symptoms for a while before that. We had thought it was just my asthma acting up, but nope. 

I have lung cancer. Wooo. 

Funnily enough, about a month or so later, Technoblade released his announcement video. 

It was strange. Knowing that while I was going through treatment, someone I looked up to across the country was doing something similar. I remember watching that video hooked up to my oxygen machine, and feeling a pit in my stomach when he had mentioned being able to see where it was. While I don’t have Sarcoma, most cancer patients, especially those in the ward knew what that meant. 

I made a joke though, that none of my doctors, or friends really appreciated. Statistically, I would die before he did, so I at least wouldn’t have to live in a world without him. 

… clearly, this did not go the way I had hoped. 

Off and on for that year, I was in and out of the hospital in Clevland, Ohio. Now this is not where I live normally, but it was close to my grandparents. I also found out how much I hated snow. Moreso, when your lungs also hate it and you at the same time. 

“Oh, Oblique, just how common is lung cancer in your early 20s?” 

Why dear reader another GREAT question! The answer is- it’s not. Or the early signs are easy to miss. I was one of the youngest patients at CC frequently, and one of the only ones with lung cancer during my stay. We were able to catch it so quickly because my step moms brother had CF, so my mom spent a lot of time in hospitals around people who couldn’t breathe. After the first few times, I couldn’t catch my breath, no matter what I did she wanted me to go and get tested to find out what it was since it was clearly worse than just asthma. We knew it wasn’t CF, because they would’ve found that earlier. Ruled out pneumonia pretty quickly too as it was the middle of summer. My FP happened to think to test cancer, just in case. My Dad and I had laughed, it was such a long shot it was more likely I was just having pretty frequent panic attacks. Now I knew deep down it wasn’t panic attacks and my mom did too, but the C-word was terrifying. 

And then we got the tests back. I knew as soon as he walked in, hell I knew when they did the tests, and yes there are multiple. 

I asked my mom to leave the room, My Dad hadn’t been able to come in that day with us, and I needed to talk to him about how long he thought I had. 

He didn’t reply for a while, and I’ll never forget the look on his face. 

At the time of my diagnosis, I was 19. Statistically, the chance of living to see my 24th birthday was almost impossible. 

Doc pretty much told me that IF I could survive the next 7-12 months without the cancer spreading to my other organs my chances were pretty good. I’d later find out that the chances of it spreading were so high, and if it ever does the chances that I make it almost none. However, even once I passed every year after would be considered a miracle if I got past five. 

He went into the next room and talked to my mom for a while, while I tried to wrap my head around everything. Just how quickly my life had changed. How fast it was all going to happen. What finally broke me, was my youngest sister texting me from one of her middle school classes asking me how it was going. Realizing I’d never get to see her graduate, take her on girls' days, help her through heartbreak, watch her get married. 

At that moment it felt like the cancer had already killed me. It had stolen not only my life but my place in the lives of my family. Doc and Mom came back in at some point during my breakdown and sat with me. 

We didn’t leave that office for a while. When we did, I told my mom that I wanted to be the one to tell my Dad and sister before we talked about where we were going to go. 

So that night after dinner, we sat at the kitchen table, and I simply said 

“This air quality seems to be so shitty, that my lungs have decided to refuse work,” 

And my mother broke into tears, and my dad and sister stared at me like I was crazy. Which I kind of felt I deserved to be. Once we had cleared up the confusion, my dad asked me the same question I had asked the doctor. 

I told him that realistically he was going to have to rely on either my older or younger sister to wipe his ass when he couldn’t do it anymore. I was trying really hard to make light of the situation because I didn’t want everyone to be sad before I died. There would be plenty of time for it afterward anyway. 

Maybe that���s another thing I recognized from Techno’s initial video. Trying so hard to make sure that no one was worried despite knowing what was going to happen. And even though I think deep down a lot of us at least feared, the concept was so ridiculous and insane. How could someone like him just… 

On the day of the announcement, I saw Dreams tweet before the YouTube notification came through. 

I sat in my hospital bed playing Minecraft on the PC I had finally saved up enough to get, and I was on the phone with my best friend back in my home state. All I can remember is saying “Please. Please don’t let it be who I think it is. Please don’t let it be.” The last thing I remember hearing was my friend say “Oh ____ I am so sorry.” 

I hung up the phone and just sobbed. I ripped out my IV and heart monitor culled into a ball on the floor and just lost it. It didn’t take long before my nightly nurse ran into the room and they eventually had to sedate me. 

I woke up a few hours later, and for a moment I thought I had dreamed it. Yet I saw my mom in my room and I knew that I hadn’t. She had started working remotely due to COVID-19 and her job was letting her continue to remote in so she could come to Ohio with me and stay between the hospital and my grandparent's house. My dad would drive, and while Ohio was closer than some of the other hospitals this is still an 8+ hour drive every other week with my sister and stay with me. 

I had actually been doing pretty well at this point. Due to my age, and the fact my cancer had not spread yet, I was a really good candidate for surgery. However, there are underlying health conditions and risks that have to be monitored and dealt with before they can do the surgery. They had to give me enough time between treatments so I still had the strength to survive the surgery. 

When the video was released, I finished up another round of medications, this time ones that showed promising effects and weren’t damaging to my strength so I would survive the surgery. 

After the video came out, my mental health dipped hard, and fast, and my physical health soon followed. Then one of my best friends as the center passed. She was three months younger than me. She had leukemia, and the doctors had been amazed she had lived as long as she had since she had it since she was a kid. They thought she was in remission in her teens, but she relapsed pretty hard right before she turned 19. Halfway through my stay there, she had taken a dip, and her health hadn’t been able to recover. 

At that moment I wanted to die. I couldn’t see a point in living, of fighting, when the time I bought through these treatments maybe would last a few years. My doctors essentially had to rework my treatment plan and appeal to my parents that if they wanted me to live, they needed to have me fight for it. 

So much as those days where my family would come in and beg me to try and fight I just didn’t have it in me. I couldn’t see a life for myself anymore. Now some people may look at that and think it's dumb, like “Oh some guy you never even met, someone who didn’t even know you existed, died and now you’ve decided to just die?” 

Well first off rude. Secondly, I was already suicidal, and you’ll find it’s extremely common for patients with life-threatening diseases to need therapists constantly because they have extreme suicidal tendencies. Also, I want to state that yes I am referencing Techno a lot in this, but know that I am remarking about his passing and how it affected me, I am not doing so as a way to blame or hate him. Obviously, I cannot claim to know what or how he was feeling in those last few months, but I do know that we don’t get a choice when cancer kills us. 

It isn’t up to us. 

Hell, maybe no one is even reading this, maybe I dyed typing it up, or before I posted it. The point is I don’t want some moron to read this and think “Wow attacking a cancer patient, Oblique whatever is next?” 

Dear lord this thing is four pages now, alright to quickly wrap up on why and how I’m back. 

Just before all this went down, I had gotten into Hermitcraft. Now back when I was growing up and living under different circumstances, I wasn’t allowed internet access, so I missed out on a lot in the mid-2010s, one of which being Hermitcraft and well Minecraft as a whole. 

Anyway, I found specifically GoodtimeswithScar and Grian. 

Now, I do watch other Hermits, but at this time I watched these two the most. I never used Twitch before, and while I still don’t really like the platform I loved watching Scar stream. 

Scar, actually, was the reason I got determined to at least try and fight this damn cancer. 

See, before this, I didn’t know about Scar’s illness. I didn’t know he was in a wheelchair and I didn’t know he was on oxygen tanks either. So the first stream I got to watch, lying in my hospital bed, hooked up to about a million blinking machines, I opened it to see someone else wearing oxygen tubes. Someone who was also hooked up to a million different things. Yet, Scar could create some of the most beautiful things I had gotten to see while stuck in that room. It was like he weaved pure magic through the screen. 

So, I came to the conclusion that what the hell. If I died so would my memories. The things I’ve seen and people I’ve met, all of it would go with me. And if there’s one thing I learned from Techno, is that “... the Sun Kast fallacy wouldn’t allow it,”. 

So, we restarted my treatment plan. Eventually, we did the surgery and after making sure I was stabilized and showed no signs of infection, or that the cancer was making a comeback right away they allowed me to be transferred home. Right in time for that good ol’ Southern heat. 

Now, I still have to regularly go to the hospital, as well as wear my lovely little oxygen tubes around, and take PLENTY of drugs (OMG so many cotton mouth is REAL), but not to jinx anything I’ve been doing fairly well these past few weeks. 

Of course, this can change in an instant, and I have to be extremely careful, especially due to Covid (Seriously guys if someone coughs on me I might as well get into the coffin now.) 

As for why I decided to write this fic? Well, in a way the Hermits helped me live. Helped my parents not have to bury one of their kids. Helped me see my sister start high school. Helped me reach my 21st birthday. 

19-21. 

Three years down. 

Realistically, I know there’s going to be a day I get the results that not only is the cancer back, but that it has spread. I know this. And I also know that when that time comes I will have to accept that and move forward as I can. I may never be as great as Alex, and I don’t want to be, but I want to be like him in that I will accept and try to easily go when it’s my time, knowing that I did all that I could. 

In the meantime, I might as well leave something for the small part of the world that I can. 

If and when my updates stop, I’ll leave a message for my friend on how to log into my Tumblr so she can at least give you guys some closure. 

Take care, and I will see you when I see you, Readers! 

Update:

So originally, this was going to be posted on the 13th– clearly, that didn’t happen. I had a minor health setback. Bacteria truly is my greatest enemy. I got sent back to the hospital and then saw my specialist on the 13th and a whole new wave of antibiotics. I’m still in the hospital being monitored, which is kinda like every few hours someone comes in and pokes me so I can never sleep. 

Which ya know is fun. 

So I got my roommates to bring my laptop under the guise of doing school work but in reality, I just wanted better access to edit because that’s hard to do on my phone. 

Anyway, I’ll keep you guys posted. Chapter 2 should be posted within the next week or so health providing. Knock on wood.

[motownfiction]

mold

In the summer of 2001, the only thing Sadie’s kids want to hear is the Shrek soundtrack.

She’s not really sure how they got here. Like every other family with children between the ages of three and eleven, they saw Shrek at the theater. They liked it enough. Billy, who’s three, really liked the big red dragon. So when they came upon the soundtrack at Borders a couple months back, Sadie bought it. She remembers thinking the music was pretty fun.

Actually, she remembers Sam saying the music was pretty fun. And if there’s one thing you take Sam’s word about, it’s music.

The kids, as it turns out, have a lot more in common with Sam than Sadie ever assumed. Because they also enjoy the Shrek soundtrack. They enjoy it so much that they miss out on all the new hits of the summer. Years from now, Sadie will discover they weren’t missing much (Who could forget that Atomic Kitten cover of “Eternal Flame,” except for everyone?), but for now, she’s drowning in hell. And hell sounds like “All Star” by Smash Mouth.

It gets worse when the kids learn the lyrics to the song. Even Michael, who normally hates poppy songs like this one, seems into it. He thinks it’s funny.

“Really?” Sadie asks. “You think it’s funny to sing the same song over and over and over while your mother graciously drives you to and from your friends’ houses? To and from the pool? To and from the restaurants you want to go to?”

But Michael doesn’t answer. None of the kids do. Because “All Star” is playing, and they’re singing.

Some-BODY once told me / the WOOOORLD is gonna roll me …

Sadie sighs and accepts her fate at the red light. This is what life is like. Life is schlepping three kids to and from their various schools, activities, and appointments, all with Smash Mouth playing in the background. No, the foreground. It’s too loud to ever be the background.

She thinks back to when she was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old. Before she fell asleep, she used to dream about a life like this one. A life where she married Daniel (which happened), where they had kids (which happened), where she was involved with every aspect of their caretaking (which she is). It’s just that when she imagined driving her kids around metro Detroit back then, she imagined them listening to “Take It on the Run,” to make fun of Daniel, who always hated that song. And to be fair, they do that.

At least, they did before the Shrek soundtrack came into their lives.

The light turns green, and All Star whines the chorus.

And all that glitter is go-wold! / Only shooting stars break the mo-wold …

Sadie grits her teeth. What in the world were they thinking, putting an extra W sound in words that have never needed an extra W sound? She’s never written a song before, but she’s pretty sure that if you have to add in extra W sounds, you should probably go back to the drawing board.

“Mommy?”

Sadie jumps herself out of her thoughts. She spots Rosemary in the rearview mirror, a question in her eyes. She looks so much like Daniel, but there’s a little gleam in her eyes that’s very Sadie. Curious about everything. Wondering, wandering.

“What’s up, Rose?”

“What does that mean?” she asks. “Break the mold? Is that like bread?”

“Or penicillin,” Michael cuts in, almost certainly to remind everyone that’s the word that won him the spelling bee this past school year.

“Pencil in,” Billy says, so he can be part of the conversation.

“Mommy?”

Sadie sighs.

“The mold is, like, what people do to fit in,” she says. “It’s when people do what’s expected of them. Do you know what that means?”

Rosemary nods.

“When you act right,” she says.

“Or when you act like people think is right,” she says. “Anyway, when you break the mold, you decide that those expectations aren’t working for you. So you stand out because you’re unique. You do something new. It’s actually a good thing.”

Rosemary nods.

“I wanna break the mold,” she says.

“And I’m sure you will,” Sadie says. “You’re the kind of person who would.”

Rosemary grins, and for a second, she looks more like a Doyle than a DeLuca. Sadie’s heart soars. All summer long, she’s wondered what she did to deserve a bunch of kids who only want to listen to the Shrek soundtrack. But that’s not what she should have seen.

When she was a kid, all she wanted was to find her way into that mold. Sadie wanted to do everything right, everything normal, everything that a girl was supposed to grow up and do. All the things she thought she could want, she put on hold because what if she missed her opportunity for something normal? And she can’t be sorry for the things she chose. She got these kids. These kids who have their whole lives ahead of them … who can forge their own paths without clinging to expectations, no matter how shiny and romantic and normal they seem.

And maybe she wishes she didn’t have to thank the Shrek soundtrack for that.

But it’s better than nothing.

(part of @nosebleedclub july challenge -- day xxiv! watch as a woman tries to catch up with a bygone era)

[iphigeniainaulis]

Hello, everyone 💛

I begin to write this draft and then delete it. Again, again and again. Cool summer evening with clouds that stretch like cypress trees leaves behind, it’s got replaced by the silence of the night. Dark little nothing with distant cold lights from distant neighbour windows. I’ve been trying to avoid writing this letter, pretending that I have so much to do. The truth is that I’m scared to be honest. Yet, there is this feeling, this need to share the burden of the past with somebody. Even if the only person that reads this letter will be me. Especially if it’s me. 

I rarely write something to myself and almost never publish it on the Internet. Sadly as it is, I feel ashamed to do so. It’s as if I moan and grumble about silly things while the world is shaken with real problems. But this time is different. 

I just thought…

Hey, this is my blog. It’s little and broken, but it's good. I find joy everytime I come here. I hope that it makes somebody happy to visit and scroll through it as well. So, why not be open and honest here? 

For the last few years I’ve been dreaming about studying abroad. Can't tell when this thought occurred in my head for the first time, but when it did it captured my mind. Setting goals is something I’m genuinely keen on, since it helps me to organise my life while giving this ephemeral sense of stability. If today I do this and this, then tomorrow I’ll get that and that. But during the last year this perfect system began to show signs of strain. In autumn the Titanic sank completely. Without going into details, let me just say that the financial situation in my family changed. Therefore, my upcoming departure even after winning a grant that covered most of tuition fees could still make it even worse. My parents never said it out loud, and I’m sure that if not for me making the decision to withdraw, they would have supported me at the cost of their own comfort and health. But I couldn't accept that. The initial plan was to settle down, improve language skills and try to find a part-time job after the first semester. Before the change it seemed possible. But not now. So, I did what seemed right -  lied that the university refused to accept me because of the pandemic restrictions. Soon after that I received a job offer from a company where I'd been an intern before. A rainbow after a rain. 

Or not. 

It’s worth mentioning that the job offer I got was from the department that specialised in a field different from my undergraduate major. At first, I even liked it because it was the long-awaited challenge I needed after a period of apathy. After the first working day I even got back home in tears, because my boss didn't give me ‘enough’ tasks to complete as a fresher. I took it personally and acquired a habit to work long hours in order to delve deeper into my projects, read additional literature and ‘re-do’ the tasks to make everything perfect. Not even A. Only A+. It was as if I punished myself for not being able to pursue my dreams about pursuing education in various countries. I just couldn't accept the thought that sometimes there is something that is out of our control.

While being afraid of not getting enough tasks, I completely lost the sign of a more significant issue to take care of - my mental health. The first months at the new job were a nightmare. I imagined things that didn't exist, put constant pressure on myself and could starve for the whole day only to return back home and overeat chocolate, bread, fast food. Working extra hours, from 10 to 12 hours per day. Taking at least one extra hour every single day, since I was scared to be not good enough. Not smart enough. Not fast enough. I didn't want to fail my boss, my colleagues. Ironically, I didn’t even know them. I wasn't introduced to them and, to make things worse, was the only one who worked on the other side of the building because of them ‘not having enough space’. I remember when I went to meet with one of the seniors - a lovely woman in her 50s. She smiled so genuinely at me and then said, ‘Darling, if you don’t sort out things, get out of here. We don’t need you’. I felt useless. 

In winter it felt almost bearable. I still overworked without any compensation and got disappointed over the silliest mistakes. I felt bored because of the projects not being related to my professional interests, but pushed myself to take more. At least, I made some friends and got praised by my boss. 

During spring they began to give me even more complicated tasks, but I no longer felt satisfied. Serving in a top company, I was ashamed to tell my friends about my duties. Because it was boring and not mine, but was ‘being mine’ really an important criteria when I could provide for myself and my family? I found myself increasingly irritated with the lack of creativity at work. Bureaucracy. Writing a paper in order to get another paper that was mentioned in a paper from that paper. Constant delays in working schedule because of ‘immediate problems’.    

Not so long ago I decided to leave. It was hard and painful. But I knew that I’d given them everything I could. Now I’m preparing for entrance exams here in my city. Even if it's not the mysterious Kyoto or ancient London I’ve been dreaming of. I've got a lot of experience. Now I know how I will never allow people to treat me. How I will never allow myself to treat this body and mind. How I will act in a new place. I know that no single task is worth completing when it crushes your health. Currently I’m experiencing some problems with my back and knees. And I miss the time when I could stand on my feet without pain. Nevertheless, I’m sure that now I'm where I was meant to be. Healing. In the present. Not in my imagination. 

I’m so sorry that I’ve missed so many birthdays of my mutuals. So many wonderful works, art and talks. Sometimes life was fast and unclear just like a fleeting image from a train, and sometimes it slowed down like a raindrop on the glass. I didn't have energy to come here and interact, but I never stopped thinking about this special place where people from all over the world can feel for a second as if they sit close together in a house full of happy memories. 

I’m planning to answer, review and reblog as many things as I can in the upcoming weeks. Therefore, if you feel that it may be too much for you to see on your dash, it's absolutely and totally fine to block or unfollow me for a matter of time. 

As for now…

Love you,

Iphi

(My poor attempt to recreate Vincent’s ‘Almond Blossoms’)

[terpernoctem]

well hi there

i think it's high time we bring the personal posts back, what do you think? yeah let's do this

not really sure how—

happy new year, i guess, for a start!

2024. *insert paul rudd gif* (you know the one) (i could do it, really) (insert it, i mean) (after all, this is the internet) (but i don't want to) (so just picture it in your mind's eye and pretend you can do telepathy) (perhaps you can) (thrilling, innit?)

anywayssss

it's the fucking year 2024, you guys. who can believe this. how??????

i don't know about you but i never even thought of 2024 before.

more than that—it's like, i never thought of myself growing past the age of, let's say 22.

i remember being a kid, like in high school, vaguely trying to shape out the contours of the person i wanted to be. i remember applying for law degrees. but it was so unserious—i don't even think i ever gave it serious thought. they said pick something to do and i was, and honestly still am, shit at science (which was, the big thing back then) and too lazy to think of anything else. in retrospect, maybe i would have liked that. law, i mean. maybe it would have given me some kind of purpose.

maybe my nervous break down would have happened two years earlier.

in senior year, i was briefly crushing on a guy who wanted to be a vet (at least that's what i imagined it was what he wanted to be—it's not like we ever talked about it so maybe i made it up completely). i visited paris that summer right before senior year (i was traveling alone with my mum for the first time) and i remember thinking like "oh yes, i will definitely come and live here, i guess" (and do what? watch that dude become a vet? bet.) and i could picture it, for like 5 seconds, but it was like watching something from above. i wasn't actually picturing myself living this life. it's like, i was a character in a movie.

meanwhile i didn't have the faintest idea what i would be doing with my life.

and i still don't! yayy

i kid you not

more than an entire decade went by and i still have got no clue what i want to be. worse: i honestly believe that i'm useless at most things.

last night i got a rejection email for a ny internship i applied to 3 months ago. it's not that i was surprised, but still. i think i still have these delusions that my life hasn't quite started, and that there's this great big thing that's going to come up and change everything for the better.

in a way, i think the reason why i took the last job i had is somewhere along these lines. such big hopes.

and all for what?

i'm writing these lines on my parents' couch. since november, i'm back in my teenage bedroom—the one where i brought the only boy i've ever loved all these years ago. it looks nothing like it did back then and yet, it's full of ghosts, no matter how thoroughly i cleanse it. everything in this town, everything on this island haunts me. my old life in europe feels like a distant dream.

pros: free food. not constantly worrying about my aging parents. cons: i'm never alone. but it's strangely okay. (i guess a decade of acute loneliness would do that.)

and yes, haunting aside, where else would i be? my mum has asked me a couple times: "what are you doing here, rotting away with your old parents? why don't you go and keep living your life?"

and boy oh boy, wouldn't you like to know? i sure would.

stay tuned, it's going to be a packed year—i'm (finally) going to get my driver's license in the next few months (never got to get around it before) and potentially, a sense of self.

[cryptidvoidz]

Dad? Is it really you? I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you

It is! I've changed @ so many times by this point ;3; But yes, it is in fact me~ (life updates under the cut, where I've been, what my plans are, etc)

TLDR; I left Tumblr for quite some time, as I made changes to my life and dealt with everything else. I'm finally on anti-depressants and trying to get back into the art grind.

But to fully update you all, I went to a really bad place mentally. I didn't want to keep going or do anything. The pandemic made things inherently worse as I was kept inside with nothing to do. I turned to streaming, but there's only so much that can do for me. I had a fight with my mom, moved out and to another state to live with friends, where I barely left the house, barely went outside. I was chronically online (Twitter mostly), and without a job, I had nothing to distract me at all. There weren't even any sidewalks where I was, so I wasn't able to walk anywhere. Shoutout to my friend Aimee for taking me Pokemon hunting or buying me gifts because it boosted my mood a bit.

My physical health also tanked. I do not have a single tooth that is not decaying and/or broken. I dealt with a few UTIs, and since I had no insurance, I had to deal with it by myself, that led to a kidney infection. I was in pain for a whole month. My knee is fucked up because I slept on a tiny couch. My sensory issues have gotten worse. My eyesight has also gotten worse. Apparently I'm also allergic to animals, so that explains why my breathing and allergies were super bad while living with my friends.

Another thing that tanked my mood were the gacha games. I got into Genshin, and lets just say the RNG hates me. I'd get increasingly frustrated and upset at having to pull till damn near hard pity, or losing 50/50s, seeing everyone have this amazing luck, that it was depressing. This one's no one's fault but my own, of course.

Now, though, I'm back in with my mom. She's a hell of a lot more understanding, I think, or at the very least we came to an understanding. She still struggles with my being trans, but we're working on it. My dad calls me Q, or Cubone (q-bone, get it?). I'm still struggling to find a job, and so I stream every night on Twitch, as well as having art commissions open. I also have a Ko-fi. As I stated, I'm on anti-depressants now, after so many years of being without, on the max dosage of Lexipro. We're in an AirBNB right now, as my dad was transferred up here, and is going to get transferred again at the end of summer, so moving isn't done yet.

All in all, things are (hopefully) getting better. The Pasta Mafia is still here, it's just changed shape. My current community molded it a little bit, so it has lore now, blah blah. You can find the blog here at @slimesyndicate, and I plan on posting shenanigans when I finally get the chance. Other than that, here is all the places you'll be able to find me! :) I do plan on coming back to Tumblr, slowly but surely. I miss it here. It's mostly still just going to be binges here and there for the time being.

For those who are still from the glory days of the Pasta Mafia, please know that I've remembered you and keep you in my heart to this day.

I love every single one of you <3

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[vroomvroommbtch]

So it goes: Chapter 31 - MI x OC

Masterlist

Summary: Three years of privacy get ruined in a blink but there’s really nothing Michael can fix. Or at least, he makes Maggie forget about it for a while.

Pairing: Michael Italiano x fem!OC

Warnings: Some angst, some fluff, swearing and people not knowing how to mind their own business lol.

Word count: 5.8k

A/N: Hi u guys! Weekend without race got productive lol Anyway, I’m less than ten chapters from finishing this and I’m getting nothing but emotional. I started this mess so long ago that I don’t even remember what life before Maggie and her little disasters. Still don’t know how many chapters are left, but its gonna be a little crazy ride. Any guesses of what’s gonna happen?? Let me know? Kay, see you during the race weekend. Bye✌🏻

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Chapter 31 - This is why we can’t have nice things.

Maggie felt like the hallway of the hotel was even longer than it actually was. She felt the weird sensation tightening her chest and practically squeezing her heart as she played with the key card of the room between her fingers. To say she was praying Michael would be back in their room was an understatement. She was begging for every single thing out there for him to be back because she couldn't even think about looking for him in the hotel or even calling him. Damn, she had no idea how she was going to explain what was happening because she wasn't sure the words were going to leave her mouth at all.  

As she walked in the corridor, Maggie was still rethinking the conversation she had over the phone with Lily. She was still thinking about how the hell it happened and why the hell it was happening. She was playing in her head again and again what Lily said, not really believing it was exactly what happened to Jas years ago. And while all that ran through her head, all Maggie wanted to do was hug Michael and forget about it all. She just wanted to stay in his arms while he promised everything was going to be okay. She just wanted him to whisper 'She'll be apples, sweetheart' like every time something went wrong.  

The problem was that when Maggie opened the door, she found a dark, empty hotel room, which only made her feel worse. One of the worst things was how this was happening when everything was fine, at least between them. They were nothing but happy even when everything around them seemed uncertain, and it felt odd. It felt weird, and now it felt like the universe was coming against them to remind them that maybe they shouldn't be that happy.  

For a month life was nothing but happy, at least in their tiny little bubble. Since the moment they came back together and especially since they decided to finally move together, everything felt way easier for some reason.  

Every time they went back to London, the apartment normally turned into a little mess. Suitcases all over the place, dirty clothes that needed to be washed before they left again and new stuff that needed to find a new place was a normal sight. It was the regular thing, but that first day at home was kind of worse. It wasn't the normal 'Coming back from a race week' kind of mess, but a 'Coming back from summer break', 'Coming back from a weeding' and 'Maggie moving' all together at the same moment.

But even in the middle of the disaster Michael made it seem easy. Every single time she was about to throw something in the air for some ridiculous reason or every time she was thinking about leaving it for later, Michael would cover her in kisses, helping calm her nerves in no time.

What also made her smile was the silly little detail of Michael saying yes to her ridiculous conditions for her to move with him. She was clearly joking when she said it for the first time. It was a short list that included a monthly one morning with breakfast in bed, another morning staying in bed till late and a normal date just the two of them, and he agreed to all of them. She was joking, heaven knew she was joking because she couldn't ask anything from Michael after all he did for her, but he agreed anyway. They were still going to discuss and arrange the details of what they considered 'Staying in bed til late' but he agreed, repeating there was nothing he wouldn't do for her, even if it included changing his schedule once or twice a month. The other thing they still needed to discuss was Maggie's offer and insistence on paying half of the apartment's bills, which Michael automatically said no to. Their deal was that his apartment in London and her apartment in Dublin were their apartments, and Michael insisted it was enough with her paying for everything in Dublin, so he automatically said no to her offer. But even after they both insisted and insisted on trying to convince the other, they agreed to talk about it in another moment, knowing perfectly well it was good to take a long day to figure it out.  

The whole moving thing was also what got Maggie with her head away from all the mess that was around their family. It got her distracted enough for the rest of their time in Dublin and during their short trip to London, but nothing was good enough to distract her when she knew the negotiations with Mclaren had started. While she was trying to fit her clothes in the closet and see what she was gonna pack for the triple header ahead of them, Maggie couldn't help but think about how in that exact same moment, Daniel, Jas and Blake were having a meeting with his bosses at the MTC. Jas wasn't supposed to be there, damn, Maggie knew it was gonna be a surprise for every single man at the table to see newly wedded Mrs. Ricciardo there by her husband's side, but she had one simple reason to be there. Mclaren wanted Daniel's seat, the boys wanted the respective economic compensation Daniel deserved, but Jas just wanted the Monza trophy. She was -rightly- convinced they didn't deserve it, so she was there to give it back to his rightful owner. She was there to fight for it, and knowing her sister, Maggie knew there was no way she would ever leave the room without what she wanted.  

But none of it really mattered that afternoon in Monza. None of it mattered as she paced the room, waiting to hear the door opening and finally see Michael. She knew she could call him. She knew she could tell him to go back to the room because they needed to talk, but the last thing she wanted was to scare him. She didn't need to scare him when she needed him to calm her down. She didn't need to worry about him while he was training with Daniel. Damn, she didn't need to worry Daniel with something silly when he had more than one issue. But the thing was it wasn't silly for her, and she knew it wasn't gonna be silly for Michael either. No when they were talking about them and their lives and their relationship.  

And once again, nothing really mattered when she finally heard the door opening, making Maggie run to his arms, burying her face in his face. "You're very lucky I showered at the gym, sweetheart" he joked, placing his arms around her body the second she was in front of him. "Weren't you supposed to be with Jas and Oli?"  

But Maggie didn't answer and didn't move from her place. She didn't move from his arms, feeling once again that the world was gonna fall into pieces if she did. She just stayed there, arms holding handfuls of his shirt as she tried to focus on his breathing and his heartbeats. "I need to talk to you" she whispered with her face against his chest.  

"What's going on, babe? You okay?"

"Lily called me" she announced, and the second she said those words, she realized how bad it sounded. Michael automatically moved away enough to look at her face, trying to figure out what was happening. She could see how he was reading her expressions and especially her eyes, trying to find out what was wrong. She could see how he was practically scared to ask what was wrong. She couldn't blame him, tho. The last couple times he asked, things ended up in tears, so she would be scared too if she was in his place. "Don't worry, Lil's okay. She just called me to give me a heads up"  

Showing him the problem was going to be easier than explaining it, so Maggie took her phone out of her pocket and gave it to him. An automatic 'shit' left his lips the second she saw what Maggie was talking about. There was right in front of his face what she already saw, the terrible tweet that said 'F1 performance coach Michael Italiano dating Daniel Ricciardo's sister-in-law'. But if that wasn't enough, right under there was a thread of tweets that included pictures. Maggie knew perfectly fine which day it was. She knew perfectly fine it was two days earlier.  

It was a normal thing for them to act as friends when they were out with Daniel. It wasn't Daniel's fault that people would go around taking pictures of him, but neither Michael or Maggie wanted someone talking about them. That's why they would act like friends, always teasing, winking at each other, sharing smiles and touching hands or stroking each other's legs under tables. Those rules were specially remembered during race weekends, but Maggie learned how to live with it. She was okay with not holding his hand or kissing or hugging around the paddock or when they were out for dinner, knowing perfectly fine that Michael was going to be all hers as soon as they walked inside their hotel room.

Back home they had a normal life like a normal couple, so that's all she cared about. That's why Maggie was slightly surprised when that Monday night Michael offered his hand for her to grab as soon as they left the car. If Michael was sure then she was sure, so she grabbed his hand and laced their fingers while they listened to Daniel and Jas discussing wedding plans for their second wedding in Perth. She didn't say anything as Michael kept holding her hand over his leg as they sat together, but as soon as he placed his arm around her shoulders, Maggie had to ask if he was sure. While everyone was thinking about what to order, Michael only whispered a softly 'I love you' in her ear, followed by a kiss on her temple. Once again, Maggie couldn't help but smile and kiss his cheek simply because that was all she needed to know. That was all she needed to hear. As they spent their night between family, friends, pizzas, laughs, wine and beers, Maggie absolutely forgot about the acting like friends thing. Michael was her boyfriend, the love of her life and the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with, so she acted like it. They kissed, they held each other, snuggled together and acted like any couple would do and like they always did behind closed doors.  

That's when someone saw them. Nobody approached to say hi to Daniel, but someone clearly recognized him and that's what Lily found online. The kind of low-quality picture were enough to see it was them. It was enough to recognize Maggie kissing his cheek, resting her head on his shoulder, and especially to see them kissing and holding hands as they walked out. That was way more than what she ever posted. Even when Maggie's Instagram account was private, she was more than careful with what she posted. In some kind of subtle way, she let know she had a boyfriend, but not even once she posted a picture showing Michael's face. If she ever included him in a picture, then it was about them with their families, with the boys or at least with Olivia. Besides that, she was absolutely careful to whom she accepted when a follow request appeared on her account. Being Daniel Ricciardo's sister-in-law included having more requests than she would like, but every day she denied one by one. Maggie was always trying to be careful with everything because it was their life and their privacy. Besides, she knew how Michael wanted to protect her, that was one of his priorities and what he has been doing for the last three years, but the second they let their guard down it all got ruined.

"No fucking way. Was this on Monday?" Michael asked, scrolling through her phone, seeing proof after proof of their love right in front of his face.  

"Yes. And it's already on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Tumblr. Lily already checked" she explained, walking to the bed to sit there, too exhausted of absolutely everything. Three years of protecting what they had and suddenly it was all gone, so Maggie was nothing but exhausted.  

But not after a second after she walked away from him, Michael went to her, kneeling right in front to be able to look at her, holding her hands between his. "Mags, baby, I'm so fucking sorry. I had no idea someone was doing this"  

"It's not your fault, grá. People is just shit. They think they can do or say whatever they want"  

The little shrug from his shoulder was enough to let Michael know that wasn't the only thing that happened. And the second Maggie opened her mouth, she absolutely regretted saying anything, knowing Michael was only going to get more worried and pissed with the situation. "'Say whatever they want?' Did you read the comments?" he asked very clearly, looking straight into her eyes, not giving her any chance to hide the truth.  

"Yeah, but you don't wanna know about it" she shrugged again, trying to see if Michael would let it go while she internally cursed herself for the stupid comment. But once again, Michael was having none of that, and only one look told her to keep talking. "It's the same as when people found out about Jas and Dan. Maybe worse. But it's alright, I know I'm not a whore or a gold digger. I mean, a bit whore but just for you"  

The joke was stupid, but at least it made them smile for a second. It was nothing but a sad smile drawing on both their faces, but it was better than anything. And before he said anything, Michael got up from his place and sat down right beside her, letting her hands go, but making Maggie sit in his lap, knowing perfectly fine how they just needed to be as close as possible. Knowing how she needed to be as close as possible. "You're none of that, sweetheart. You're the most amazing woman in the world and they know nothing about us, so fuck ‘em" he affirmed, looking down at her eyes while his hands stroked her back and legs.  

"Fuck the rest, right?" Maggie whispered, once again not being able to hide a tiny shy smile saying those words once again. Those three silly words represented so much to them that it was impossible to not feel something every time she said them.  

"Exactly"

And there was her favorite pair of brown eyes, shining right in front of her, making her forget about the world for a second. And how she wished that second would be enough. How she wished that second lasted forever or at least an hour. How they wished they could pretend none of that was really happening. But instead of that, Maggie had another detail that she hadn't shared before. "Someone knows we have been together for three years. Lil couldn't find it so I don't know who or how, but someone said it and it’s also everywhere"  

Maggie could feel the grip around her body tightening as she explained the situation. She couldn't even blame him because she did exactly the same thing, squeezing his body around her arms and grabbing handfuls of his shirt, trying to hold herself into anything.  

The thing about dating Michael for three years was that Maggie knew him. Not only did she know every single inch of his body, but she also knew his heart. She knew in which mood he was in the morning by just looking at him moving on his way to the bathroom. She knew how he was feeling by the vinyl he would play as he made coffee in the morning. The same thing would happen in the night, but she would find out by the way Michael would grab her and fuck her. But more than anything, Maggie knew it by his eyes. Sometimes words weren't needed simply because she could see his eyes and know what was happening inside his mind. That was how she knew he was worried but also absolutely pissed. If someone said something about them being together for three years then it means someone betrayed them, but they had no idea who, which was more dangerous.  

"The only ones who really know are our families and friends" Michael affirmed, looking at her with a serious expression. She could practically see how his brain was working nonstop, making a list and trying to find out whoever did this to them. She has been doing the same thing since she found out, but she couldn't find one option. Not even one name came to her mind, no matter how much she thought about it.  

"Maybe someone in McLaren? I mean, I know Jas and I are not the most welcomed women there" Maggie whispered, resting her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes to try to forget all that was happening. She knew it was impossible, but she could try. She was gonna try, getting lost in his touch, his smell, and especially in his warmth.  

They were still not on good terms with the whole McLaren team. They weren't talking to Zak or Andreas; they weren't talking to Tom while they were in the garage, and they would barely say hi to the rest. The girls knew that way they would only get people to dislike them. Damn, they knew some people already disliked them, but she didn't care at all. They both were there to support Daniel, not to make friends, so they kept themselves in their little bubble, talking in Irish whenever someone was nearby. It was just even worse after negotiations started for Daniel to leave the team. The rumor of Jas wanting to take the Monza trophy home started to spread all over the MTC and the McLaren garage and hospitality until every employee knew. From then on, she went from being Daniel Ricciardo's wife to the crazy woman who wanted to do that. Now the sisters were going to be the crazy woman who wanted to take the Monza trophy away from its place and her little sister who was dating his brother-in-law's coach and friend. But Jas didn't give a shit to what anyone said, she never really did and finally Maggie was slowly starting to learn to do the same thing.  

"Nobody knows, baby" Michael insisted, kissing her forehead as he stroked her head and waist.  

"Jon knows. Maybe he told Lando by accident and Lando told someone without realizing"  

"Or maybe someone just saw the way we look at each other" Michael pointed out, looking down at her as his hand went to her chin, making Maggie look at him again.  

Those were exactly the words Jas said to Maggie. Jas was convinced it was the way they always looked at each other who gave them away, but she also said since they went back from the summer break something was different. Michael always looked at Maggie like she was his whole universe and Maggie did exactly the same, but Jas insisted now it was something else. It was something she couldn't even explain. It was pure devotion and hearts in their eyes. It was an invisible string between them but every single time it was becoming more and more visible. They tried to keep it cool and pretend nothing was happening but every day that passed people could see more and more how in love they were. Esmé always said they were rotating around each other. She always joked saying they were like a planet and a moon orbiting on its side, not moving away from each other even if they tried. It was nothing but true, that's why it was so hard to act like friends when they were in the paddock or outside with Daniel. But after three years and all the things they went through together it was simply impossible to hide it anymore, especially not now they were a happy little mess living together, rebuilding and reinforcing their relationship.  

"I don't think it’s that. It goes beyond that. I don't understand what's going on, but Lily told me people started to realize that every time you're not with the boys I'm also not there with Jas. Michael's not in New York? Oh, what a coincidence, Jas' sister ain't there either! Who the fuck knows or noticed that?" 

And then she could see again the surprise in his face because it was all insane and too much. It was a new level of craziness they were kind of used to seeing happening with Daniel, but never with them. "What? People are really doing that?"

"Yes. And its fucking scary not knowing who we can trust. It's weird knowing now they're gonna look at me like the whore who trapped one of Danny Ric's besties" Maggie breathed, repeating one of the comments that she read somewhere. Not that she read more than four or five, but that was the first one and it was gonna take some time for her to forget it. And she couldn't care less about what people thought about her, but it wasn't nice.  

"Hey, no pouts, sweetheart. They can say whatever they want but they don't know anything about us and especially not about you. I know who you're and I insist, you're the best woman in the world. That's one of the reasons why I love you the way I do. That's why everyone who knows you loves you" Michael affirmed, running his thumb over her lower lip and then over her cheek. But before he could do anything else, Maggie moved her arms from his waist to his neck, hugging him as tightly as possible. She didn't want to cry. She didn't need to cry. None of those idiots giving opinions about them deserved her tears, so she just took a deep breath and focused on Michael's kisses on her head and especially on his hands on her back as he ran his fingers over it trying to calm her down. "I'm gonna talk to Dan, alright? I'll fix this. I promise I'll fix it"

"Can you talk to him tomorrow? I'm not in the mood now. I don't even wanna leave the room to go have dinner" Maggie murmured, closing her eyes as she hugged Michael even tighter. She didn't want to let him go, so she was gonna stay there as long as he let her.  

"Wanna order room service?" Michael asked and Maggie didn't even speak, she just nodded. It was stupid trying to hide from everyone knowing they would have to go to the paddock on some days, but at least that night she wanted to be just them. "Alright, tiny"

For a second Maggie smiled as she heard Michael's nickname for her and Olivia. It started with Olivia and it was his favorite thing to call their niece considering how extra tiny she looked in Michael's arms, but the funny part was how Olivia seemed to like it. Every time Michael called her that, a tiny smile would appear on her face. Everyone knew it was probably a coincidence, and even Michael knew it after reading articles and books about babies and especially about their development, but he loved to say it was because Olivia loved him. It was his pride and joy to say it was because they had an especially niece-uncle bond, and Maggie knew part of it was probably true because they were simply obsessed with each other. From the day Olivia was born, uncle Michael took over and it was his first responsibility. Maggie was always his priority but Olivia joined in the first position. He turned into the kind of man that would talk about his niece to everyone who would listen and then would show a picture to see how precious she was. Meanwhile Maggie loved to pick on him saying he used to do the same about her when they made their things official and how he didn't do it anymore. She loved the way he would hug the hell out of her and kiss her neck and face while he said it was a complete lie because he would still talk about her to everyone who would listen. That's how he would insist she was his first tiny lady and nothing was gonna change that. That's how we also started to call her tiny, making her smile just like Olivia did.  

"This is karma coming at me, right? Like, its coming at me for every bad thing I did" she wondered, and had no idea where that question came from, but in her head made a lot of sense. "I made you go through hell and suffer for a whole year and I'm finally paying it"  

But those words were also enough for Michael to break their hug and look at her face again. Maggie knew he hated it when she blamed herself for what had happened to them. Michael hated when she tried to take the blame when it was both their fault and once again she could see it in his face. "No, sweetheart. It has nothing to do with you. Its just people sneaking in things that doesn't concern them. And I told you already, I'd do it all over again if it means we end up like this. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, so watch me shield you when we go to the paddock this weekend so nobody bothers you" he smiled sweetly, giving her a kiss after what felt like an eternity without doing it.  

"That's what you do every time, especially when there's too much people and it gets too much" Maggie murmured against his lips, placing her hand on the back of his neck to run her hands through his short hair and so he wouldn't move away from her.  

"That's my plan for the rest of my life so you better get used to it" Michael shrugged, biting her lips carefully. "You want me to tell you a secret?"  

"This is you talking to me about random things so I don't get more anxious? Cause maybe sex would be better. I know you worked out already but maybe a little extra cardio won't hurt, coach" Maggie shrugged, throwing the question to help him in his task of forgetting about the problem.  

"You know me, don't you? Cause you know you're my favorite workout" Michael joked too, kissing her neck to make her giggle. "But listen to me. You know when I started working with Dan I was really homesick and all that, but what I never told you was how I felt when I saw you the first time"  

"I know you fell in love with me cause I was a vision in green and the best thing that happened in your life" she smiled, kissing his cheek a couple times before letting him keep talking.  

"You're right about that. Jas told me a lot about you before that night, but when I saw you I really understood everything she said. The thing is I saw you, and at some point that douchbag that was with you left and then you looked at me and you smiled and suddenly I had this feeling inside me. I knew it was ridiculous, but I could felt how something made sense. Somehow there was something telling me I could handle the homesickness cause staying meant seeing your face from time to time. I know it was gonna be good if you were around"  

"Are you serious?" Maggie asked, melting at the simple thought of Michael settling in with just looking at her from afar when he couldn't do anything. She knew he hated every single second of that year because he knew Sebastian was nothing but a dickhead who didn't deserve her. But it made her feel terrible to imagine how bad it would have been for Michael, especially when she couldn't really stop thinking about him either.  

"I'm serious. You were twenty percent of the reason why I stayed. Besides, at some point I also started to suspect you were the one cause I couldn't forget your name and you know how terribly bad I am with names" he laughed, kissing her forehead as Maggie kept stroking his neck.  

"You suck with names. You're good with everything except names" she giggled, kissing his chest as she remembered how many times she asked how he remembered her name when they barely saw each other the first year Jas and Daniel started to date. Michael used to say it was because Jas was always talking about her, but then Maggie secretly prayed it was for another reason.

"That's why I also asked Jas three hundred times about your family's names. I couldn't fuck it up in front of the girl I liked so much so I had to get it right, sweetheart" he explained, holding her hand to kiss her knuckles and the tiny ring he gave her all those months ago in Perth. "I still like you so damn much. I like you and I love you so much"  

"Even if I hate making the bed in the morning? And even if I do ham and then cream instead of cream and then ham in the scones?" Maggie asked, looking at his shiny eyes as she moved their joined hands to her lips, kissing his knuckles the same way he did with her.  

"I'm sure the scones thing is a crime but yeah, I love you anyway. Just like you love me even when order oysters for breakfast"  

And at the simple mention of that, Maggie wanted to run. She was used to seeing him eating weird stuff for breakfast, but seeing him ordering oysters was a new level of disgusting, to the point of looking to the side whenever he would eat them and then tell him that he wasn't allowed to kiss her until he brushed his teeth at least twice. "Ugh, don't remind me that, or you can forget about the cardio before bed" Maggie joked, acting absolutely offended by getting up and out of his lap.  

"Come here you small thing!" Michael exclaimed, and before she could even walk two steps, Michael grabbed her hand, making her come back to him, standing right between his legs and lacing his arms around her hips, making sure she wasn't going anywhere. "I loved you before knowing you did aberrations with the scones, so there's literally nothing that could make me love you less"  

"That's why you were thinking about hitting on me anyway when we met?"

"Yes, and cause that dude didn't deserve you. Told you before, I was going to wait for six months and then make a move" he affirmed, resting his chin in her stomach as he looked up at her.  

"And I told you before, I would have run away with you that same night if you asked me. All you had to do was smile at me and ask" she smiled sweetly, running her through his hair, making a little mess of it, just like she always did.  

"Would you still run away with me?"  

And that simple question knocked the air out of her lungs. The fact that after everything they went through together Michael was still asking her for such a thing made her melt. He was looking at her with nothing but love and adoration in those brown eyes that she loved so damn much and she just couldn't believe she was so lucky and that Michael was asking that. She loved him so much that running away with him seemed nothing compared to what she would do for him, but she was out of words to explain it. She would give him the world if he asked, and if she couldn't then she would try to find a way to do it.

"Yes. You work this weekend so it's impossible, but yes. Anywhere" she whispered, kissing his forehead as she stroked his cheeks with both hands. But suddenly that wasn't enough for her. She needed to hold him as close as possible so she moved, placed her legs on his sides and sat on his lap once again facing him and hugging his waist as tightly as possible. "Hugging you makes everything better. You seriously give the best hugs in the world" she murmured against his chest, breathing him in and letting herself go in the warmth of his body and the comfort of his arms.  

"Just the best of the best for my girl. I'm gonna fix everything, sweetheart, I promise. Let's just enjoy this first and figure out the rest later" he promised, placing kisses on her hair and running his hands over her back and under her shirt as he spoke. "You sure you don't wanna go out to have dinner?"

"No. Lets be just you and me tonight, please" Maggie begged, hugging him tighter and burying her face even more against his chest if that was possible. She just needed some silence. She needed a quiet room and, even if she loved her family, the only way she could get that was by staying there. Plus she needed some love and cuddles, but the kind that only Michael could give her away from everyone.  

But before any of them could say anything about her plea, Maggie abruptly moved her head away from his chest. "You alright, Mags?"

"Yes" she whispered, placing her hand over his chest, trying to hold onto something as the realization finally hit her. It was as if somehow all the pieces on the puzzle got together without her wanting it. It was the answer to the question they had in mind since she walked into that room. "Son of a bitch. Who's the only person outside friends and family who hated you since he met you and who knows we are dating since 2019?" she asked looking at Michael's eyes.  

It took him a second, but then she saw the second the realization also hit him. She could see in his eyes the second he understood of who Maggie was talking about, but more than anything she could perfectly see the second his face went from the loveliest guy in the world to the most dangerous man that could exist. "I'm gonna kill him" Michael affirmed under his breath, hugging Maggie closer to his body.

---

Taglist

@jamminvroomvroom  @starlightoctavia @dr3lover @monte-carlando  @brightlightsinlife​ @a-distantdreamer​ @callsign-echo 

[beauty-and-passion]

So... hey :)

I’m not dead, apparently.

Okay, okay, let me explain: there were things going on in my life.

* I found another job and yes, it’s way better than the old one: better working hours, better environment, better wage. The old job had a toxic environment in which people kept talking behind other people’s backs: here people cooperate for the same goal. The old job had an insane pacing and I couldn’t get one minute to breathe: now I can finally do one thing at the time and not 20 together - and if I need a moment to go to the bathroom, I can do it without people knocking at the door.

However, this is a temporary job. My contract is for 5 months, then we will see how things are going and see if i will keep working here or not. And, if things don’t go well, I need a plan B. So I am working on plan B too (read: teaching).

During all of this, I didn’t get any time to breathe because as soon I left the old job, I jumped into the new one. Take the mental stress of the old job, the stress of leaving it behind, the stress of starting a new one, the stress of not knowing what I will do and how things will be... I was just mentally drained. And maybe that go on my health too, because...

* I got sick on December 24th, just in time to ruin the holidays. I still had to work, sure, but I would’ve appreciated to do it while feeling better and not a piece of trash. This year the flu is worse than Covid and I can assure you that it is: headache, fever, chills, cough, all together. Some days I felt bad, others I felt worse.

Luckily, I also had no plans to go anywhere, so I just spent Chistmas and New Year with my family. But it’s the third year I am spending these holidays at home: before Covid, I used to spend at least a couple of days somewhere else in Europe and, even if for a short time, I could visit some places. Hopefully, I will be able to travel again for 2024 - and I won’t get sick again.

* Speaking of being sick, cough is still bothering me. I have always had cough during winter, for years, and still didn’t find a solution. The cough starts in winter, it lasts for months, then as soon as spring somes, the cough magically disappears.

I tried everything and checked my lungs: nothing. Tried syrups and medicines: still nothing. More sun in summer and more warmth in winter: nothing.

And then, a friend told me it could be gastroesophageal reflux. It’s very possible, considering that I have almost all symptoms. So I did a lot of medical examinations, got the medicines in case the cough started and tried to change my eating habits.

The change was good and so I had great hopes. Maybe, the winter cough will leave me alone!

But then the flu came and now I am coughing again. I am taking the medicines, still no results for now. If this doesn’t work either, I will visit the doctor again - but I really really hope they will work. This stupid thing can’t go on forever.

Now I am (almost) back on track. I feel a bit better (except for the cough), I am slowly getting accustomed to the new job. And yes, I started writing again. Do you remember my Moceit? Yes, it’s still going on, yes I finally finished the first chapter and started the second one. It took me a little longer than expected, but by now I know I can’t make plans, because if i want to follow them, something else will come and ruin them.

So I will just go with the flow and write as much as possible, before the next thing will come and mess my plans. Hopefully, it won’t be soon :)

In the meantime, please take care of yourself <3

[winterrose527]

Lantern, cinnamon & maize?

(Sorry that I can’t include the questions, I’m on mobile!)

thank you for the ask my darling I hope you're feeling wellll or at least cozy

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

So I met my bestie on the first day of university. We lived in the same dorm. I was super nervous and super keen. Some upperclassman boy had invited me to a party when I was somewhere on campus earlier in the day, and I was sort of holding that in my eager little freshman hands. She was gorgeous, still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in real life, and was already surrounded by a bunch of girls and I sort of awkwardly went up and joined them and told them about the party. Her roommate buddied up to me in a weirdly aggressive way, and they had a big double so us and a bunch of girls were getting ready in theirs that night. I remember she pulled me down on her bed and started doing my eyeshadow, rolling her eyes whenever one of the other girls said something.

I thought she was the coolest, most beautiful, funniest girl I'd ever met (I was right). Within two days we were best friends. She told me when I moved into her room six months later (the roommate was genuinely bizarre) that she had been overwhelmed by my sweetness, and she thought I'd either make her a better person or would reveal myself to be a psychopath which would be really good fun. Both happened.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

Look there is the obvious caveat that obviously everything was so much worse for so many people, but if I had to, I would say: My grandparents seemed to have a hell of a time fucking around (and we are now finding out), so maybe when they were younger, or maybe 1920s in New York because if you're going self-destruction you might as well do it sipping champagne from a tea cup dripping in pearls.

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

This is a longer story than you need BUT: I spent the summer in Florence when I was 17. My girlfriends and I went to Siena for the day, and it was just sort of a bizarre day overall. There was some festival day happening I think and it was so hilly and so hot. I remember being in this insane shop that smelled of leather even though it didn't sell leather, and one of my friends wouldn't shut up about the cameos because her grandmother had one and had given it to her sister and it was this whole thing, and it was so hot and the leather smell was making me dizzy so I stepped outside to get some fresh air, and this man, totally unassuming looking, probably mid 60s/early 70s, was right there as I was leaving and I nearly bumped into him so I said mi scusi signore and he said in English something like 'it's dangerous to smile like that when you don't believe it'. Which like, sounds made up but I swear to god it was so jarring. Two weeks later my older brother was visiting with my mom and I was smiling at something one of them said but my heart wasn't in it because my dad was supposed to be there and he wasn't yet, and I turned away and this young guy thought I was smiling at him and I wasn't, and he started following me and then tried to grab me and my older brother lost it and they got in a fist fight, so yeah that older guy was right and like probably a deity of some kind.

[mitigatingacademics]

{9.19.24}

I have a co-worker who gets questionably upset, for someone who has lived his entire life in an area that experiences all four seasons every year, at the end of summer.

He makes FB post after FB about how the whole world is dark and everything is dying. If I wasn't familiar with his dramatics, I might actually be concerned for him.

As it is, fav co-worker and I start muting him 30 days at a time around this time of year. He's in good company with my Aunt who gets muted for her bad political takes that I just don't have the patience for.

I say all of this to offer a different perspective.

Autumn brings my soul to life.

This is the time of year where I'm inspired in all things.

See: My return to accountability here.

...and there's nothing like a trip to the pumpkin farm to kick-off the seasonal festivities.

🍂🍁🧡🎃☕🍂🍁🧡🎃☕🍂🍁🧡🎃☕🍂🍁🧡🎃☕🍂🍁

Since we last met, I have taken the LSAT twice.

The first time, in February, with logic games. The goal, at that point, was just to do my best and get a score on my record.

I ended up scoring three points (at least) above the median of every school I intend on applying to.

This was achieved leaving out one of the logic games in its entirety. I don't remember the details after all this time but there were multiple variables to account for and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to set it up. I tried two different ways before giving up.

That being the case, I figured I'd probably be able to score better without the games section - and might be able to garner additional scholarship funding. So, I set about studying for August. And I *was* PTing higher.

When it came to actually taking the August exam, however, I'm not sure what it was, perhaps the fear of scoring worse and indicating that my first score was a fluke, but when I time-checked and found myself a bit behind on the first section I panicked to the point that I very seriously considered getting up and walking out.

I managed to talk myself down, but the time and focus required for that cost me, in my estimation, the equivalent of two logic games.

When scores were posted in August and I received the exact same score as in February... 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

It's a sign, y'all.

I'm done with the LSAT.

I read somewhere that it's best to have applications in by Halloween.

I'm currently waiting on a Letter of Recommendation from my manager. I've asked for it by the end of the month and have promised myself that I won't...ask her how it's going...until at least the 25th.

The Train Master, who is not my direct supervisor, and I was unsure about even asking for a letter, got so excited for me when I told him I was applying that he said he got chills. He had his letter in within a week of receiving the official notice. Bless.

My Personal Statement is written. I continue to edit it in bits and pieces, but for the most part, it's done.

I'm leaving for vacation on October 14.

Ideally I'll have everything submitted by then.

Fingers crossed. 🤞🏻

This law school thing is kinda sorta really happening.