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levithestripper · 9 months

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Patience Is a Virtue

summary:

stuck in winchester due to a quicker-than-usual winter and confined inside king ecbert’s castle with nothing to do, ragnar finds himself trailing behind athelstan, being strung along to god knows where. but his little priest promises it's worth it, and ragnar makes good on athelstan’s promise.

warnings: fluff, smut, porn with a sprinkling of plot, corruption kink, god complex, church sex, oral sex, semi-public sex (?), religious imagery and guilt, degradation kink, praise kink, aftercare.

length: 7.6k || read on ao3 || join my taglist

a/n: born of a thought i had with @grantairescurls :) the brainworms consumed me while writing this and i somehow managed to finish it before the new year. ending the past two years with an athelnar fic may become a tradition around here who knows. ANYWAYS i hope you all enjoy it as much as i did while writing it. doubles as day 16 of my three year old kinktober series i'm struggling to finish lmfao.

Winchester is a fascinating place. The landscape is similar enough to Norway’s, albeit missing the country’s magnificent mountains and rolling hills that Ragnar has somehow grown bored of. It has grown even closer in similarity these last few months, with winter bringing heavy snowstorms, covering the courtyard in fluffy white snow that glitters in the cold sunlight.

Free of King Ecbert’s all-knowing gaze, he walks beside Athelstan, eagerly waiting to see where his priest is leading him. But he’s known for being impatient, voicing his restlessness to Athelstan, a man who has enough patience for the both of them. “Where are you taking me, little priest?” Ragnar asks, trying to push the right buttons to irritate him, but it fails.

“Patience is a virtue, Ragnar,” he replies, a knowing look on his face.

Ragnar rolls his eyes with a dramatic groan, earning himself a quiet chuckle from his friend. “Well, are we close, at least?”

Athelstan doesn’t answer him on purpose, knowing it’ll annoy him further. Before Ragnar can continue to complain, Athelstan announces they’ve arrived at their destination. “We’re here.”

They stand in front of two giant wooden doors at the end of the long cobblestone hallway they found themselves in. The black metal handles make it look like the entrance to a dungeon.

Ragnar looks at Athelstan with confusion. Ath must’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere! Ath surely can’t be serious when he says this is what he is so eager to show him! “Didn’t realize you’re a comedian, Athelstan,” he smirks. “Come on, where are we going, truthfully?”

Athelstan turns to meet his gaze, unaffected by Ragnar’s cockiness, far too used to him and his shenanigans. “I told you, patience is a virtue.” He leaves Ragnar’s side, walking up two pointless steps, and takes hold of the cold metal handles, pulling both doors open in a grand reveal of what lay behind. Light flooded the dark hallway, causing Ragnar to raise a shielding hand to his brow.

Through squinted eyes, what he sees takes his breath away. Larger-than-life stained glass windows filter the massive amount of winter sunlight into a rainbow of colors across the beautiful stone floors. Despite the colorful sunlight, the room is still relatively dark. The ceiling is taller than the hallways’, at least three stories worth of height between the two, the top coming together at a point. Hanging from the pointed ceiling is a fancy—and expensive-looking—candlelit chandelier, adding to the specific atmosphere in the room that Ragnar can’t find a descriptor name for. In the center of the room is a marble statue depicting what appears to be a stable of some kind. The wall behind the statue hangs a large wooden cross with a bronze man nailed to it.

“This is what I wanted to show you.” Athelstan looks as if he is in his God’s heaven. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Ragnar slowly trails behind him, head craning back to absorb everything before him. “Is this what you talk so much of back home? What is it called…” he mumbles under his breath, searching for the word in English. “A… church?”

Athelstan smiles at the effort Ragnar is putting towards getting the correct answer all on his own. “Close. A chapel,” he says in Norse, then repeats the new word in English.

He nods, trying to commit the phrase to memory. “What is the difference?” he asks, returning to Norse.

“A chapel is a place for private prayers, while a church is for congregations led by a priest.” Ath lets Ragnar take his hand within his callused one, keeping him close.

The Vikingr’s eyes light up at the mention of a priest. Finally, something he knew something about! “A priest? A priest like mine?”

Ragnar’s words cause a red dust to bloom across Athelstan’s cheeks. “I’m not a priest, Ragnar.”

He shrugs. “They’re basically the same thing.” Ragnar turns and points at the marbled statue in the center of the room. “What is that? It’s not like anything you’ve told me about.”

Athelstan looks to where he is pointing and pulls Ragnar towards it with the hand the Vikingr still held onto. “This is a nativity scene!”

He looks at him with a confused expression, suddenly lost again. “A nativity scene? What is a nativity?” Ragnar asks, the English word feeling foreign and unnatural on his tongue.

He gnaws on his thick bottom lip as he mulls over the easiest way to explain it in Norse. He sighs. “A nativity is the place of someone’s birth. And a nativity scene is a depiction of that.” Ragnar circles the statue, looking at it from every angle imaginable as if he were sizing an opponent up for a fight. He crosses his arms over his chest, pressing his elbow into the meat of his forearm, resting his chin in the palm of his hand.

“Why?”

It’s Athelstan’s turn to feel puzzled now. “What?”

“You heard me, Ath. Why? What is the point?”

Ath moves to stand beside him. “It’s a recreation of the birth of our Savior.”

Ragnar interrupts him. “Our savior?” he questions, voice full of snark.

“Shut it and listen,” he smacks his bicep. “It’s how the faith celebrates the birth of the son of God all year round. Every year around this time, churches will put together beautiful masses to commemorate the birth of Jesus. It’s an important symbol in the religion, making the Lord tangible for all the world. Etching it into stone makes it permanent, ensuring parishioners never forget that He was once a helpless babe like they were.”

He doesn’t respond immediately, absorbing Athelstan’s words and attempting to understand them to the best of his abilities. “God’s son?” Ragnar squats in front of the marble baby. The stone infant slept in a pile of straw compiled within a trough, surrounded by who Ragnar assumed were his parents and extended family. Ragnar trails his finger across the babe’s cold forehead, feeling the finely chiseled details against his skin. “Is this the eldest son?”

Athelstan sits cross-cross next to him, nodding.

“Like Thor?”

Ath makes a face. “I suppose so.”

“Who are your god’s other children? Why are they not here?” Ragnar shifts to sit as well. “Why dishonor his other children this way?”

“Jesus is God’s only son.”

Ragnar chuckles. “Your god must be stupid, then. Betting everything on one son, only for him to die before having sons of his own.”

“Everything was a part of His plan, making Jesus’ death far from stupid,” Ath counters, leaning against Ragnar’s shoulder.

The Vikingr sighs deeply. “Do you worship him still? This Jesus.”

Athelstan shrugs. “I see the Lord in the blooming of spring flowers, but I hear Thor in my ears when I run into battle beside you. I feel the Lord in the summertime breeze, but I pray to Freyja to protect my norse sisters when they enter motherhood.”

“You’re a confusing man, Athelstan. No matter how much I learn about you, you never fail to reveal something I’m incapable of understanding.” Ragnar’s words earn him a giggle from the man beside him.

Ath turns his head, his chin digging into the soft tissue in Ragnar’s shoulder. “You’d be bored if I were any different.” Ragnar’s silence is telling, confirming Athelstan’s statement as correct.

Ragnar doesn’t stay silent for long. He never is quiet for long, always spouting the first thing that comes to mind. “Why is there no table?”

“Table?” Ath questions.

“The table!” he repeats as if that would clarify it. He gestures with his hands, trying to visualize the image in his head by drawing it in the air. “The table the priest hides behind!”

Ragnar’s words finally clicked inside Ath’s head. “Oh! You mean the altar?” He nods. “Chapels don’t have altars since they’re designed for individual prayer.”

“That’s a shame,” he says with a coy smirk, a devious glint in his icy-blue eyes.

Athelstan raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh, yeah? Now, why is that?” Ragnar invades Ath’s personal space, noses just barely touching. It doesn’t startle him in the slightest, having grown quite used to it in the past handful of years being Ragnar’s partner.

Teasingly, he licks the tip of Ath’s nose. He leans in, whispering hotly in his ear. “If there were a table,” Ragnar refuses to call it by its proper name, purposely to irk him, “I could bend you over and fuck you on it.” He finishes with a sultry drag of his tongue up the shell of Athelstan’s ear, biting the lobe when the younger man shudders underneath him.

Athelstan’s expression looks as if he can’t decide between being aroused or being appalled. “Ragnar!”

“What, little priest? Does the idea of fucking on your god’s table make you uncomfortable?” Ragnar slides a rough hand over one of Athelstan’s thighs. “Or does the thought of defiling your Lord’s precious altar fill you with an embarrassing feeling of desire?” Ragnar’s words are hot against his ear, drawing another shudder from him.

“Ragnar!” Athelstan exclaims, his face a bright shade of red.

His smirk broadens as he drinks in Ath’s reaction. “Hm? Did I strike a nerve in you, my love?” Ragnar goads, teasing his hand further up Athelstan’s inner thigh, fingertips sending tingles straight to Ath’s slowly hardening cock. “Maybe I should take you right here instead, take you apart piece by piece in front of your beloved stone nativity.”

Athelstan grasps his wrist, halting his hand from edging along any further. “We can’t—I can’t. Not here.”

“Then explain why your cock is telling me a different story, my love,” he hums, breaking free of Athelstan’s hold to cup the man’s groin in his palm. Ragnar feels his own cock twitch against his thigh. “Let me show your god exactly how I worship you.” Ragnar closes the barely-there gap between them, lips pressing against his messily, hungrily. Athelstan practically melts under his ministrations, just like always. He grips Ragnar’s wrist again, trying to keep himself grounded, or else he feels as if he might float away.

“Ragnar, we can’t, it’s wrong!” Athelstan isn’t sure if he’s saying it to convince himself or Ragnar. Maybe both. When he’s kissing him, he can’t be sure of much. “Seriously,” Ragnar kisses him again. “We shouldn’t—” Another kiss. “We can’t!” Another kiss, this one sloppier than the rest.

Ragnar mocks him teasingly. “We can’t! We shouldn’t! It’s wrong! You should give me a real reason, little priest.” He moves to kiss down Ath’s neck, sucking on the spot he knows will make the man whimper and shiver. “Don’t try and hide how badly you want this. You know I can see right through your little disguise, sweetheart.” Ragnar squeezes Ath’s quickly thickening cock, pulling sweet, embarrassing noises from him. Athelstan’s resolve is quickly deteriorating, much to Ragnar’s pleasure.

“This is no fair; you’re no fair, Ragnar,” Ath complains, forgetting to add malice to his insult. His blush has spread down the column of his neck, making Ragnar want to suck pretty purple bruises into the soft skin there. Ragnar’s quick to act on his impulses, leaving an impossible-to-hide bruise in his wake. “What—What if someone walks in?” Ath manages to stutter out.

He chuckles darkly, the sound reverberating in his chest. “So what?” he snickers, kissing a line down Ath’s neck, roughly tugging on the neckline of his tunic so he can continue along his shoulder. “Who cares if someone finds us. It wouldn’t stop me.” Quickly finding the blue fabric irritating, Ragnar pulls it over Ath’s head and tosses it behind them without a care. Taking off his own shit as well, Ragnar pushes him to lie on his back, shoving his tunic underneath Ath’s head as a makeshift pillow. “So what if your beloved god watches me fuck you? He should be honored to watch one of his creations be so thoroughly taken care of,” he hums, his words sending another wave of sparks through Athelstan’s body.

Athelstan doesn’t have a response for him. And even if he did, he doesn’t think he’d be capable of speaking without stumbling over every word. So he stays silent to keep from embarrassing himself further. The lack of any comeback made Ragnar grin maliciously.

“Not talking, my little priest?” he asks coyly. “Now, now, why could that be? I know you’re good with your words.” As Ragnar speaks, his deft fingers quickly begin unlacing Athelstan’s trousers. “Perhaps,” he licks his lips enticingly, his grin morphing into a familiar cocky smirk, “perhaps you want me to turn you into a dirty little sinner. Maybe you just don’t wanna admit how hard the thought of defiling your beloved god’s house makes you. ‘Cause then,” Ragnar leans down to whisper in his ear, his breath hot against his lover’s skin, “you’d be a filthy heathen like me.”

All of the willpower Athelstan had mustered up ‘till down crumbles around him at Ragnar’s words, the thought alone making his pretty pale blue eyes roll backward in his skull. “Fuck, Ragnar,” he groans, his voice shaking as if he might start crying any minute. “Fuck it, fuck everything, fuck God—I need you right now!” Ath exclaims, wiggling out of his trousers and kicking them away. He fumbles with the ties on Ragnar’s pants, desperately trying to push them down his thick, muscled thighs.

Ragnar cheekily nips at the shell of his ear before helping Athelstan relieve him of his pants, leaving the pair in just their undergarments. “Didn’t hold out for as long as I thought you would, sweetheart. Are you that desperate for me to defile you? To ruin you in front of your god?” Ragnar kisses down his sternum, laving his tongue over the sparse freckles he found dotted across his lover’s chest. He teases his fingertips along the waistband of Athelstan’s underwear. “Is that right, Athelstan?”

Instead of words, Ath whines pathetically, embarrassment flooding his senses. He felt his cock throb and leak beads of pre at the sound of Ragnar saying his name in such a lustful, inappropriate manner. “How long do you truly expect me to hold out for when you seduce me like this?” He unties Ragnar’s ponytail but leaves the braided sections alone, running his fingers through his now mostly loose locks. “You should leave your hair down more often.”

“Only if you promise to pull on it,” he says with a smirk, earning himself a deserved smack on the shoulder. With a giggle, Ragnar unceremoniously tugs down Ath’s underwear, watching intently as his cock slaps against his lover’s toned abdomen. Laying between Ath’s now spread legs, he mouths over his jutting hipbones, kissing everywhere but where Athelstan so desperately wishes he would. Ragnar lifts Athelstan’s legs to rest on his broad shoulders as his rough, weathered hands wrap around his thick, supple thighs, keeping him from squirming away. Nipping at his inner thigh with his teeth, Ragnar slowly makes his way down to Ath’s groin, littering small kisses as he goes.

Slowly regaining his confidence, Athelstan teases him right back, gnawing on his bottom lip. “Starting to think your bark is worse than your bite, Ragnar.”

He cocks an eyebrow at him. “Oh? How so?”

“You’re going so slow it’s almost like you’ve got cold feet or something,” Athelstan smirks, egging him on.

Ragnar returns his gaze with sharp eyes, telling Ath everything he needs to know with just one look. If he wasn’t before, he’s sure in for it now. Ungentle hands spread the globes of Athelstan’s ass apart. The rush of cool air to the newly exposed skin makes his whole body shiver with anticipation. Ragnar licks a hot, thick stripe from Ath’s hole to just below his balls, drawing an unexpected yelp from him. The yelp soon turns to moans as Ragnar continues, each lap of his tongue sending his nerve endings into overdrive. Slowly working his hole loose, Ragnar slides a free hand up Athelstan’s chest, stopping when they reach his red, bite-swollen lips. “Go on, pretty boy, make them nice’n wet for me.”

He wastes no time, opening his mouth for two of Ragnar’s fingers, sucking on them fervently. Ath licks them from base to tip, acting as if they were his cock and not mere fingers. Once Ragnar deems them wet enough, he pulls them from Athelstan’s lips, a string of spit connecting them briefly before it breaks, now sticking to Ath’s chin instead. “Good job,” Ragnar hums, sliding his spit-slick fingers down Athelstan’s taint and over his entrance. “Do you feel your god? Can you feel him watching us? Watching you?” he taunts with a click of his tongue. Ragnar presses the pads of his fingers against his entrance, threatening to sink inside but never following through with it.

Athelstan nods, embarrassment bubbling to the surface once more.

“I don’t think he’ll still be your god after this, little priest,” he licks over his top teeth with a gross wet sound. “I think I’ll be your god instead.” With that, Ragnar presses two fingers inside him, and Athelstan’s jaw drops in a silent scream. The sudden stretch burns slightly, but he likes a little side dish of pain with his pleasure.

Ragnar sits up, folding his legs underneath him. Athelstan’s legs are still propped up on Ragnar’s shoulders, stretching to stay up there as he moves. He unhurriedly thrusts his digits in and out of Ath’s tight hole, watching smugly as a lewd expression spreads across his lover’s face. Using his free hand, Ragnar holds Athelstan’s left leg steady, peppering light kisses along his meaty calf.

“You can—fuck—you can add another finger; please add another finger,” he begs, fighting to keep his eyes open and focused on Ragnar.

He chuckles, but it sounds like it came from the Vikingr’s chest instead of his throat. “What if I don’t?” The pads of his fingers just barely brush against Ath’s sweet spot, enough to tease but not enough to satisfy. “Weren’t you the one just lecturing me about how patience is a virtue?”

Athelstan huffs in frustration, mildly upset that his words were successfully being used against him. He chooses to ignore it for now, focusing on the first question posed to him instead. “I’d be upset.” He looks up at him with a devilish gaze as if he were daring Ragnar to go through with his threat. They both knew he wouldn’t. Ragnar enjoys taking him apart far too much to deprive him of it just to fulfill an empty threat.

“Well, we can’t have that, now can we? A God has to keep his subjects happy, after all.” Ragnar slips out of him, wetting his ring finger with his own spit before pressing all three inside. Athelstan blesses his ears with a moan that sounds almost as pretty as he looks. “There we go,” Ragnar mumbles, spreading his fingers apart methodically, occasionally curling them against Ath’s sweet spot. After a few minutes, he deems Athelstan’s hole to be loose enough and pulls out, his knuckles glistening with a combination of their spit. Ragnar removes Athelstan’s legs from their home on his shoulders, motioning for him to sit up.

Quick to obey, he braces himself on the heels of his hands. Ragnar meets him the rest of the way, bending over slightly to kiss him. It’s sweeter than their previous kisses, but it’s not that way for long, Athelstan taking the lead and licking into Ragnar’s eager mouth, turning the sweet kiss into a sloppy makeout. Athelstan anchors his hands in Ragnar’s hair, tugging on it harshly, earning himself a low grumble from the older man. “Let me suck you off, love?” Ath whispers, lightly dragging his teeth down Ragnar’s neck.

He growls, the sound rumbling in his chest handsomely. “Like you need to ask.”

Athelstan wastes no time swapping positions, pulling Ragnar’s underwear down before settling between the man’s spread thighs. He doesn’t beat around the bush, far too eager to get his mouth around Ragnar’s thick cock. Laying down on the cold stone floor, Athelstan presses his face against the crease where Ragnar’s inner thigh meets his pelvis. Breathing in his scent, he lifts his head up and kisses the tip, licking a bead of pre-come off and swallowing. Holding Ragnar’s gaze, Athelstan slowly took him into his hot, wet mouth. Unable to keep his head up, Ragnar closes his eyes and revels in the feeling of Ath’s lips around him.

“Didn’t know you had such a sinful little mouth, Ath,” Ragnar groans out, putting all his effort towards not fucking his lover’s throat ‘till he can’t speak correctly.

He simply hums around him, sending shockwaves of pleasure straight to his core. Sinking down to the base, Athelstan chokes slightly when the tip hits the back of his throat. He gradually quickens the pace as he loosens his jaw, allowing for more of Ragnar’s cock to fit down his throat. Returning the favor, Ragnar yanks on Ath’s dark brown curls, keeping him from pulling off for a few seconds. Spit and drool drip from the base of his cock and down his heavy ballsack, eventually pooling on the gray stone beneath them. Ath’s chin is also slick with spit, his beard damp and curling even more due to the moisture.

With each bob of his head, the room echoes with sounds of him slurping and the occasional gag. One would think Athelstan had no idea he was in a church based on how he was acting, slobbering around a heathen’s cock as if it were what he was put on this Earth to do. He tongues the thick vein running along the underside of Ragnar’s cock, drawing a strangled moan from the man. Ath does it again before moving upwards, focusing all his attention on the overly sensitive head. He teases the slit he finds there, eagerly lapping up all the pre-come that had begun to dribble out. The action causes Ragnar’s cock to throb and his leg to twitch, and he’s quick to tug on Athelstan’s hair again, a silent warning that he’s close. Noticing this, he promptly pulls off with a wet pop sound. His chest heaves as he quickly tries to catch his breath.

Somehow, Ragnar looks in worse shape than Athelstan does, long hair matted against his sweaty forehead, his cock a deep shade of red and oozing pre-come. The perfect depiction of Satan’s temptations laid out in front of him, just begging for Athelstan to come and take a bite. He doesn’t think twice about going against his Lord’s wishes or what it would mean for his soul, far too enraptured in the delicious spread before him to care about some pretty garden his Lord had to offer when he could have Ragnar Lothbrok instead. Not even the King of Kings can win a fight against the King of the Northman. Ragnar beats everything his Holy Father offers him with little effort. Athelstan looks him up and down, drinking in the sight of him as if he were about to devour him whole.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Athelstan shuffles on his knees to straddle Ragnar’s hips, his cock bobbing enticingly in front of Ragnar’s face. The Vikingr gazes up at Athestan, taking in the beauty before him. His rough hands grab greedily at supple hips, thumbs meeting at a belly button surrounded by a thick trail of coarse hair. Ragnar feels Ath’s hungry eyes on him, an unneeded boost to his severely overblown ego. “You look good enough to eat, my love,” he digs his teeth into his bottom lip, returning Ath’s hungry gaze with one of his own.

“Good enough for a God?” Athelstan asks, voice dripping with lust.

Ragnar pretends to contemplate the question as he rolls his hips upwards to grind against Athelstan’s. “Depends on what His sinful little disciple can offer Him.”

Licking his lips, Ath splays his hands over Ragnar’s chest, tracing over long healed scars with his fingertips. “He can devote his life in service to Him.” Athelstan can’t articulate why, but speaking of himself in the third person like this stirs something within him that makes a pleasurable heat pool in his abdomen. “Devote himself to loving Him, serving Him, obeying Him.” He leans down as he speaks, slowly coming nose-to-nose with Ragnar. Athelstan shifts further down Ragnar’s abdomen, ass now nestled just above Ragnar’s cock. “Would He like that?”

Ragnar’s mouth curls in a devilish grin, grinding against his plush ass. “He’d have to renounce his previous Lord. This God doesn’t like to share with others.”

He kisses the edge of Ragnar’s mouth, knowing how it drives him mad. “Will his new Lord take care of him for eternity?” Ragnar turns Ath’s head to face him properly, his pointer and middle fingers holding his chin as he captures Ath’s lips in a heated kiss. The passion within his embrace serves as Ragnar’s answer, something Athelstan effortlessly picks up on.

Ragnar pulls away enough to whisper against his lips, switching back to first-person language, his brain too addled with lust to adequately phrase sentences that way for any longer. “How about you make yourself nice’n pretty for your new God?”

“How does He want me?” Athelstan nips at Ragnar’s ear before kissing it, almost like an apology for biting him.

“On all fours, face down,” he slaps Ath’s ass, and Athelstan yelps in surprise, “ass up like you’re praying.” Athelstan gets off of him, but not without a furious red blush flooding from his cheeks to color his pale chest beautifully. Sitting up, he watches how quick Ath is to obey his request. It merely fuels the flames of Ragnar’s ego, making him even more eager to take Athelstan apart piece by piece and put him back together in his own image.

Ath makes a show of bending over, swaying his hips as he goes, and arching his back, making him the picture of temptation. “Like this?” he asks innocently, spreading his legs and looking over his shoulder at him, resting his weight on his forearms.

Ragnar settles behind him, shamelessly running his hands over the globes of Athelstan’s ass. “Mmhm, just like this. Such a sinful little worshiper you are. Defiling your previous Lord’s house, throwing away your chance for holiness without a second thought.” Ragnar fists his cock, spitting on it to get it wet again. He taps it against Athelstan’s still loose hole, watching it clench desperately around nothing.

Athelstan’s cock throbs pathetically at Ragnar’s words, sending a whole body shiver through him. He presses his ass into Ragnar’s hands, silently pleading for Ragnar to bury himself deep inside. All it accomplishes, however, is getting the Vikingr to smack his thick cock against him again.

“I think,” he hums, pausing solely to draw out Ath’s torment, “you should beg your abandoned Lord for forgiveness.” Ragnar presses his cockhead against Athelstan’s entrance, barely dipping inside before retreating. “You are sinning in his house, after all.” Athelstan gasps at his proposition, and Ragnar takes advantage of his lover’s shock, deciding it to be the perfect opportunity to push inside him. He bullies his way inside, not stopping to give Ath time to adjust until his balls are pressed against Ath’s thighs.

“Ragnar!” he yelps, the sudden intrusion knocking the breath from his lungs. On top of having been a while since they last laid together, Ragnar’s cock is far thicker than the three fingers he prepared him with, so there’s a slight burn in the stretch as he bottoms out. “Fuck, you’re so stupidly big!” Ath whines, gripping the makeshift pillow in an attempt to stay grounded.

He tsks at him. “That’s no way to talk to your Lord, Athelstan. Don’t you think?” Without waiting for a response, Ragnar pulls out nearly all the way, leaving just the tip. He grips Athelstan’s hips roughly, the pads of his fingers squeezing the soft, unmarred skin there.

He panics at the sudden empty feeling, immediately backtracking, determined to be a good boy for Ragnar. “No,” he choked on his words, his brain moving faster than his mouth could keep up with. “No, it’s not; please forgive me!”

“I’m not who you should be apologizing to, remember?” Ragnar goads as he sinks back inside at a gruelingly slow pace. “Or should I pull out to help jog your memory?” Keeping one hand on Ath’s hip, Ragnar sinks his right hand in Ath’s dark brown curls, tugging his head up to force him to look at the cross directly behind the nativity scene before them. “You tell me stories of how Jesus died for your sins, only for you to shame him by sinning in his chapel.”

Athelstan whimpers and whines, shamelessly canting his hips back on Ragnar’s cock. “Please don’t pull out,” he begs, sniffling. Despite how he sounds, Athelstan doesn’t think he’s ever been this aroused in all his thirty-five years of life. Made to gaze upon the man he had once dedicated his life to serving, on his knees in mock prayer, but it wasn’t Jesus he was praying to this time. It looks unlikely he’ll ever pray to the Heavenly Father or His son again after this, having found something much sweeter and far more rewarding. Something more real to Athelstan than the figure on the wall or the marble Blessed Virgin Mother in front of him ever will be.

The unmistakable sound of Ragnar snarking breaks him out of his thoughts. He’s remained unmoving since bottoming out a second time, providing a deep-seated, pleasurable pressure within Ath’s abdomen. “I’m not above using you as my own personal cockwarmer until you start begging, darling,” he threatens, only this time Athelstan knows it’s not an empty one.

Unfortunately, Athelstan’s bratted too close to the sun more often than he cares to admit. This might end up one of those times if he doesn’t play his cards correctly. “What do you want me to beg for, Ragnar?” he questions cheekily, playing dumb, knowing exactly how to get the reaction he wants from Ragnar.

Ragnar yanks on his hair as a warning. “You’ve been good up ‘till now, little priest,” his deep voice rumbles low in his throat, words sticky with pent-up desire, the little self-control he has left quickly deteriorating with every passing minute. “I wouldn’t go fucking it up now if I were you.” He emphasizes it with a slow, punishing roll of his hips, cockhead brushing against Athelstan’s sweet spot. “But if you don’t want me to fuck you after all, keep doing what you’re doing, sweetheart.”

The moan Ath lets out is utterly sinful, and Ragnar hasn’t begun to fuck him in earnest yet. He briefly debates his options, but it wasn’t a hard decision. Solidifying his gaze on the nailed God before him, Athelstan began to pray for the Lord’s forgiveness. “Lord, I seek Your forgiveness and healing. Help me to release the weight of the guilt and shame that I carry.”

“Aww, there we go, little priest. Beg to your nailed god,” Ragnar taunts. He pulls out again and truly starts to fuck him now, thrusting into him quickly. The hand on Ath’s hip squeezes tightly, sure to leave bruises later. Ragnar tugs Athelstan’s hips back on each thrust he gives. The chapel echoes with sounds of skin slapping against skin and Athelstan’s choked, moaned prayers. Sweat slides down the ridges of Ath’s spine and pools in the divots at the end of his tailbone. “Imagine how disappointed he must be in you, Athelstan,” he says with a yank of his hair. He drapes himself across Ath’s back so he can whisper into his ear. “Once a pious little monk,” Ragnar delivers a particularly harsh thrust, hitting a pleasurable bundle of nerves inside Athelstan. “Now reduced to a devilish sinner by a blasphemous pagan.”

Athelstan wonders briefly about where in the world Ragnar could’ve learned that word, but the arousal thrumming through his body made any coherent train of thought impossible. He was barely managing to get out his prayers, let alone anything in addition to that. “Grant me strength, ‘O—oh fuuck—‘O Lord, to learn from my previous mistakes and help me grow,” Athelstan stops mid-sentence, interrupting himself with a slutty moan. “Ragnar, Ragnar, fucking hell, you’re so deep,” he whines, rolling his hips back on each thrust he gives.

His lips curl in a cocky smile. “How’s it feel, sweetheart?” The hand in Ath’s hair twists, making him groan loudly.

“It feels s’good, Ragnar!” He moans, white-knuckling Ragnar’s abandoned tunic. Ath fights his eyes from rolling back in his head, desperate not to appear as how slutty he feels. It doesn’t work. “Harder, Ragnar, please!” He almost forgets to continue his prayers, but a perfectly aimed thrust to his prostate reminds him of his orders. “‘O Lord, I thank You for even though I am a sinner, in the kindness of Your mercy!” Athelstan feels shame flood over him and the omnipotent eyes of Jesus Christ boring into him from across the room. Judging him, condemning him, and casting him down from the light of heaven, sentencing his soul to the fiery pit of hell for eternity. But that humiliating feeling is accompanied by a shameful pleasure that greedily spreads throughout his entire body, making his extremities tingle.

Ragnar is more than happy to oblige, fucking into him at a punishing speed, hips moving at a godlike speed. Each thrust hits Athelstan’s sweet spot dead on, ripping a loud moan from him every time. “You’re still so tight, Ath.” He bites the fleshy junction of his shoulder and neck, leaving a blotchy red mark in his wake. “It’s like your god made you to be wrapped around my cock like this.” He releases his hold on Ath’s hair, moving to fist Athelstan’s red, leaking cock instead. His hand nearly engulfed his cock entirely, just the tip peeking out from above his fingers. “What do you think, hm? You think he made you just for me?”

Ath manages to nod, biting his lip so hard it nearly bleeds. He’s given up praying for forgiveness now, his mind all-encompassed by Ragnar and the arousal coursing through his veins. “Just—Just for you, always been just for you!” He cants his hips into Ragnar’s hand, needy for any and all friction he could get against his poor, neglected cock. “Please, please, please, Ragnar!” he begs, unsure exactly what he’s begging for, just that he needs more of whatever it is.

“Please, please, please!” Ragnar mocks and Athelstan can practically see the conniving smirk he wears in his mind’s eye. “Please what, little priest? Can’t give it to you if I don’t know what it is.” Athelstan’s whole body shudders from his next thrust, eyes quickly rolling back from the intensity of it.

He opens his mouth to respond, but all that comes out are incoherent moans and slutty whimpers. “Please—oh, right there! Please, just, more, more of—fuuck—everything, please, Ragnar!” Ath’s arms give out from underneath him, his weight resting on his shoulders, cheek pressed against the cold stone floor.

“More, hm?” Ragnar slows his movements, earning himself a pathetic whine from his lover. “Even with all your pleas for forgiveness, you still want more?”

Ath nods with another high-pitched whine.

“Do you think your precious nailed god would approve of that desire?”

He shakes his head no.

“Perfect,” Ragnar growls, standing up straight once more, drinking in the sight before him as if it were the perfect cup of ale. He takes his hand off Athelstan’s cock and places it on his hip, spreading his cheeks apart with his thumb and forefinger. Reestablishing the pace he had previously, Ragnar watches his cock disappear inside him, a creamy white ring of pre-come circling his base. “I hope he’s watching when I paint your pretty insides and fully claim you as mine,” he pairs his words with a punishing thrust, far harder than anything else he’d delivered previously. “Watches me take you from him for good this time.”

Each thrust is like electricity, sending tingles from his toes to his fingertips. “Yours, Ragnar,” he hiccups, “Yours, make me yours!”

Ragnar lands a harsh smack to Ath’s asscheek, a slightly pink handprint blooming across his pale skin. “Always have been mine, little priest. Ever since I stole you from your comfy little monastery.” He angles his hips so he hits Ath’s sweet spot with every thrust. “I wanna hear you say it. Tell your beloved god who you truly belong to.”

“You! I belong to you!” he cries, voice bouncing off the walls, echoing his shame for all close enough to hear.

He yanks Ath’s head up, forcing him to speak directly to the cross instead of begging into the floor. Ragnar hoists him almost entirely off the floor, now barely able to graze the stone with his fingertips. “Look him in the eye when you speak, sweetheart. After all, you can’t disgrace him further by being rude, and I’m sure you don’t want that.” Ragnar’s words are soaked with liquid sin, the droplets burning a hole in the consecrated floors of this sacred building he’s corrupting with each passing minute.

Athelstan hums a yes and repeats himself, staring into the cold, metal eyes of Jesus, his former savior, who died to atone for humanity’s sinful souls. Even though it’s only a statue, Ath felt as if it were Jesus himself nailed there, flesh and blood dripping to the floor with cold splats. He can practically see him there, gold and brown colored metal morphing into pale skin marred with rivers of red. “I’m sorry, ‘O Lord! Please bless me with your kind mercy!” he cries out in his thoughts, but deep down, he knows it’s not a genuine apology. He knows God knows as well. Ath doubts his soul will be cleansed, but he can’t doesn’t care any longer. He has a new God.

“Tell him who you belong to.” Ragnar’s thrusts don’t let up, somehow gaining in force instead.

Ath swallows thickly before speaking, eyebrows pressing upward, his face screwed together in overwhelming pleasure. “You! I belong to you!”

Ragnar twists Ath’s curls in his fist. “Who? Say my name, Athelstan. He might believe you’re talking about him.”

“You, Ragnar!”

“Hm? I can’t hear you, Athelstan; you’ve got to speak up, or else he won’t hear you, either,” Ragnar goads, grinding his hips hard against his ass.

The curve of Athelstan’s spine is nearly pornographic. Ath scrambles to find something to hold onto but comes up empty-handed. “I belong to Ragnar! You, Ragnar!” he yells, stretching his arm backward to grip the back of Ragnar’s head, fingers anchoring in his hair. “Oh, my God—oh, my god fuck—I’m close, Ragnar, please!”

Ragnar releases his grip on Ath’s hair to wrap his arm around Ath’s stomach, holding him closer than believed possible. He presses his sweaty forehead against Athelstan’s shoulder, his thrusts growing uneven and sloppy as he approaches his limit as well. “Fuck, Ath-Athelstan,” he stutters, the mask he wore cracking at the edges, revealing just how desperate he really is. “Fuuck, yes, that’s it, you’re so fucking hot like this, baby. Fucked open and needy, just for me and no one else.” Ragnar splays his fingers over the tensed muscles of Athelstan’s stomach, pressing down gently.

“No one else, all yours, my love,” Ath babbles, leaning his head back to rest on top of Ragnar’s. His chest heaves with each gulp of air he takes, the lower half of his ribs showing slightly every time his stomach sucks in. “Gonna—oh, fuck, there—gonna cum!”

“Cum for me, Ath, make a pretty mess all over my hand, fuuck,” Ragnar moans out, words warbly and uneven as he does his best to speak without stumbling over everything. “You’re so pretty, so good for me.” His thrusts quickly lose whatever rhythm they had left as he reaches his climax, spilling his cum deep inside Ath’s spasming entrance.

Athelstan’s cock throbs and twitches when he feels Ragnar’s orgasm, his own cum spurting all over his stomach and Ragnar’s hand. His legs shake violently, toes curling and uncurling in tandem with each spurt of his cock. The short nails of his left hand rake across Ragnar’s back and side, making the man shiver. As they both come down from their highs, a mix of Ath’s cum and sweat drips wetly onto the floor. He can feel Ragnar breathing heavily against his back, finding his equally exhausted presence comforting.

As his cock softens, Ragnar carefully slips out of him, a rush of cum quickly following. Shivering, Athelstan shuffles to turn around before Ragnar does. Now face to face with his lover, Ragnar kisses him gently, as if Athelstan would break if treated too roughly, a stark difference from how Ragnar was manhandling him a few minutes prior. He tilts his head to one side and cups Athelstan’s unmarred cheek with his clean hand, thumb stroking his sweaty cheekbone. Ath licks into his mouth, nose pressing into Ragnar’s scarred one. The kiss lasts for both years and only a handful of seconds simultaneously. Neither knows who pulls away first. “Are you okay, Ath?” he asks, rubbing his nose against Ath’s.

He nods with a hum. “Are you?” Ragnar nods, too. “Didn’t know you had that in you, baby.”

Ragnar snickers, kissing the tip of his nose. “And this surprises you?”

“Nothing about you surprises me. Not anymore.” Athelstan scrunches his nose cutely after he kisses it. “We’ll have to be quick about cleaning up; someone might come looking for us.”

Ragnar snags his tunic off the floor and uses it to wipe away the cum dripping from between Ath’s legs. “Did you mean what you said? About belonging to me and only me? Forever?” he asks somewhat quietly, the insecurity he shows uncharacteristic of him.

“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Ragnar,” Ath says softly, his voice soothing, like a wool-lined blanket on a cold winter’s night, calming any worries Ragnar might be harboring within him. “You know that.”

Dropping his now-soiled tunic, Ragnar wraps his arms around him in a tight hug, corded muscles flexing beneath his skin. “Good; perfect. You’re perfect.”

Athelstan drapes his arms over Ragnar’s shoulders, hugging him back just as—if not more—tightly. Ragnar traces shapeless designs into the skin of Ath’s lower back, pressing soft, grounding kisses along the column of his neck. He kisses the bite mark he left, which is now starting to bruise. They slowly sink to the floor, Athelstan sitting in Ragnar’s lap, legs on either side of his waist, head resting against the lower part of his shoulder. “I love you, you know.”

“I know. I love you, too,” Ragnar says, almost as if he’s been saying it to him for decades, not years. As if every time he’s said it, it’s always been for Athelstan, even before he knew him. As if his love is reserved for Athelstan and Athelstan only. He lays his cheek on the top of his head, careful not to dig his chin into Ath’s skull. “When we go home in the spring, we’ll hold the biggest feast our halls have ever seen.”

Ath gazes up at him the best he can. “What for? What’ll we be celebrating, other than a successful return like always?”

Ragnar holds his hand, lacing their fingers together. “A wedding.”

“A wedding?” Ath questions, getting a nod in response. “Who’s?”

Ragnar breaks his gaze, looking up at the ceiling. “Our wedding.”

Blindsighted but elated, Athelstan shifts to look at him properly, refocusing Ragnar’s eyes where they belong—on him. “Our wedding?” Ragnar calmly nods like he didn’t just propose to him. “You need to work on your proposal skills, darling,” he giggles as a stupidly wide, toothy grin spreads across his face.

“Is that a yes, then?” Ragnar asks, donning a toothy smile of his own.

Athelstan holds Ragnar’s face in his hands and kisses him. “You dumbass, of course, it’s a yes.”

Ragnar kisses him again, then litters small kisses across his cheeks, chin, forehead, and anywhere else he can easily reach. “Perfect,” he kisses Ath’s lips. “Next time I take you, it’ll be on our marriage bed.”

“Ragnar!” Athelstan gasps with a slight laugh. His words made his softened cock twitch in curiosity. “You can’t just say that!”

“Yes, I can.” Ragnar squeezes his waist. “We both know you love it,” he teases, pressing his thumbs into Ath’s soft abdomen, messing up the dark hair there.

He rolls his eyes with a dramatic sigh, unlacing his hand from Ragnar’s so he can drape them over Ragnar’s shoulders again. Ath holds his own hand, lacing his fingers together. “You’re so insufferable, you know that?”

Ragnar grins cheekily, far too proud of the fact. “You love it, don’t even try and deny it.”

“What if I do deny it? What’ll you do then?” Athelstan asks, licking his lips and shifting his hips to brush against Ragnar’s cock, who’s making an effort to chub up again.

He nips at Athelstan’s nose as a warning, a grin still spread across his face. “Something we can’t get caught doing in here, baby.” He reaches back to grab Athelstan’s tunic, blue eyes never leaving pale ones. Ath slips it over his head and stands, tugging on his trousers. Ragnar copies him, minus a shirt. They gather their things and clean their fluids off the floor as best as they can manage with the little supplies available. Once it looks like nothing sinful has occurred, the pair leaves the chapel hand in hand, eagerly heading for Ragnar’s chambers.

taglist: @moonlighttfoxx, @demon-of-the-ancient-world, and @procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics.

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dbnightingale24 · 2 years

Text

You’ve Always Been My Dream

An Andy Barber One Shot

(Best friend’s Dad)

I promise that I genuinely mean it when I say that I’m going to update and finish all of my stories, but my brain never shuts up and I’m always coming up with new ideas, so now you all have this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I hope you all enjoy it. Jacob’s best friend falling for his dad? My brain couldn’t just let this be a simple ‘porn with a plot’ type of deal. Nope, we’re about to have a whole fucking saga. Enjoy!

Word Count: 40,641

Warnings: Family drama, Age gap, Swearing, Drinking, Infidelity, Drinking, Arguing, Fluff, Angst, Mentions of gambling, SMUT (MINORS GET AWAY), Unprotected Sex (reader is on birth control, but it’s not mentioned), Daddy kink, hints of BDSM, Anxiety, Depression, Sexual assault (teacher makes a move without consent),...I’m sure I missed something, but I can’t think of it right now.

@fuckingbye, thank you for my kick ass mood board! I love you so much! Also, looking forward to the next time I can tackle you with a hug and not let go.

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: How Do I Make You Want Me? (And Make It Last Eternally?)

Summary: You didn’t expect to be a staple in Jacob’s life, and with the way Laurie kept Andy on a leash, you NEVER expected to become a staple in Andy’s life. However, life has a way of turning things around and changing everything you thought you knew.

I do not give consent/permission for my stories/ works to be posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

“You never come over anymore,” Jacob scoffs as drives you home from a night out with him and Sarah.

“I just have a lot going on,” you defend, looking out the window as you fidget with your fingers.

“Did something happen? Did my mom do something?”

“What? No! Nothing! I really just am busy. I know I’m not in college like you and Sarah, but I still have a job.”

“No, I know that...you know what I mean, Y/N. You used to come over all the time-”

“I didn’t even start coming to your house till I was 17.”

“And from 17-22, you would come over all the time. Now, getting you to come over is like pulling teeth.”

“I just...I don’t want to get too comfortable with your family. We come from two different worlds and-”

“You know my parents love you.”

“It’s not that it’s just...it’s really easy to get caught up in the world of the Barbers, and I don’t want to do that. Your parents automatically include me in everything, spend money on me as if it’s not a big deal, and I just...I need to remember my place.”

“So you’re mad at my parents for having money?”

“Jacob, why are you giving me a hard time about this?”

“Because I miss hanging out with my best friend!”

“You can hangout with me anywhere!”

“It’s easier for us to hangout at my parent’s house, cause I have a shit tone of papers to work on, and the last thing I need is a distraction.”

“Jacob-”

“If something happened, you know you tell me,” he says with a sincere sigh as he pulls up to your Mother’s house.

“I know I can, but nothing did happen. I’ll come over tomorrow after I get off work, okay?” you mutter in pure annoyance and defeat as you look out the window and see your Mother’s car isn’t in the driveway. “I wonder what club she’s at tonight.”

“How is it that she has time to go out all the time, but no time to find a fucking job?” Jacob questions, and it’s not hard to spot the disdain in his voice.

“Well, ya see, when my Father left, he was nice enough to leave some of the money he won. Why work when you can go to a club and find a nice rich man to bankroll you?”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. Everyone in my fucking family sucks, no big deal. I’ll be out by the end of the month, which is less than a week away.”

“It’s still fucked up.”

“Jacob, I’m not going to sit here and stomp my feet about it. We went from being dirt poor, to having entirely too much money, to both of my parents showing their true colors. I don’t care, I just want to get away from all of this shit.”

“Does he at least try and see you?”

“Every fucking weekend.”

“You should at least talk to him.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Y/N-”

“He won his money, bought this house, got a new little girlfriend, moved out overnight, then served my Mom with divorce papers out of the blue. Divorce papers that your Father gave her. My dad can go fuck himself,” you spit.

“Have you told your mom you’re moving out?”

“No because fuck her.”

Jacob waits a beat before he says anything. “See? This is why you should come over more often! We have so much to talk about!” Jacob laughs and you chuckle softly.

“Tomorrow, I promise,” you smile before leaning over and giving him a small kiss on the cheek, “text me when you get home?”

“I always do.”

“Thanks for tonight, I need it,” you nod before getting out of his car.

You close the door and quickly make your way up the stairs, doing your best to avoid the Massachusetts chill, waiving once more at Jacob before disappearing inside the house.

“Hello?” you call out, knowing that you’ll be met with complete and total silence.

When no one answers, you roll your eyes with a scowl before heading into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of vodka out of the freezer. You don’t bother to grab a glass, opting to just take the whole bottle before you make your way upstairs, and hide away in your bedroom. You’ll never tell Jacob, but hanging out with him always makes you feel small.

Well, that and what actually happened.

You take a swig from the bottle before laying down and thinking about the entirety of your friendship with Jacob, thus far.

“Hey, just ignore them,” you said as you nudged Jacob’s shoulder, trying to make him feel less humiliated because of all the attention.

“Everyone here thinks I’m a killer so-”

“I don’t,” you offer with a small smile, as you try and usher you both through the hallways of 10th grade.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I know what it’s like to have people never be nice to you,” you smiled weakly. “The people of Newton are just as sweet as they are cruel.”

“You must be new here.”

“I know who you are, Jacob. Wanting a bully dead doesn’t make you a bad guy, it just makes you honest.”

“And you are?”

“I’m Y/N,” you smiled as the bell rang for third period.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he smiled sheepishly.

“You too,” you smiled, outstretching your hand to shake his.

From that moment on, you two were inseparable. You were 15, he was 16, but he was only older than you by a few months. The first handful of times he’d asked to come over and hangout, you’d told him no because you have work. You could tell he didn’t believe you, so one Monday, you decided to bring him along with you to the library. After that, his parents wanted you to start coming around, because ever since that day, Jacob started looking for a job.

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal,” you laughed as you two walked to your locker “teenagers have jobs.”

“I don’t.”

“Yeah, but you also don’t like to leave the house. Besides, doesn’t Sarah have a job?”

“Why do you think they love her so much?”

“Well, for as honored as I am, you know why I have to work. I help pay the bills.”

“After-”

“After, I go home and finish up my homework.”

“Have you thought about college at all?”

“I don’t have good enough grades for a scholarship and there’s no way I can afford it, and continue to help out.”

“They’re grants and you can apply for loans-”

“So I can have to deal with years and years of debt? No thanks,” you scoffed as you two made your way to your way to the lunchroom.

“Well, there’s always-”

“Jacob, it’s fine, honestly.I’ll graduate from this hellhole and get a job as a temp or something. Eventually, I’ll move out of this stupid town and won’t have to think about any of this shit anymore...where’s Sarah?”

“We got into an argument.”

“Please don’t tell me it was over me again.”

“She just needs to spend time with you.”

“WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!”

“Hey, I’m sitting at the same table as you, no need to shout.”

“It’s just so infuriating. Besides, if she paid any attention to the rumors, she’d know you’re too young.”

“Yeah, you need someone around my dad’s age,” he smirked.

“Exactly,” you laughed, stealing a fry off of his plate.

Little did you know, that joke would come back to bite you in the ass later in life.

Nonetheless, Jacob convinced Sarah to go to lunch with you two. After just 5 minutes of being around you two, Sarah realized that she had absolutely nothing to worry about, and almost instantly fell into rhythm the debate you and Jacob had been having for weeks:

Which is better? French fries or mozzarella sticks, and why?

After that, things seemed to finally calm down. You went to school, you went to work, you came home, listened to your parents argue about money and whose fault it was that there was none of it, and you went to bed.

For as great as everything was, there was still one issue: you still hadn’t met Jacob’s parents.

“You didn’t come to my birthday over the summer-”

“I apologized for that.”

“I know, but my parents are starting to think I made you up.”

“Sarah can vouch for you on that.”

“Y/N-”

“Why do you need me to meet them? I don’t do well with parents.”

“Why not?”

“The moms hate me and the dads wanna fuck me. I tend to just stay away from parents. I barely talk to my own.”

“My parents aren’t anything like that and you know it.”

“Jacob.”

“You missed my birthday, you didn’t come over for the holiday party-”

“You’re not going to drop this until I agree to come over for your graduation celebration, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Ugh, fuck you, Barber.”

“June 16th at 1. Thank you,” he smiled before he walked off.

You knew you were paranoid, but the rumors always lived rent free in your head and the stares and judging glances never stopped.

There have been so many variations of what actually happened that day your 9th grade year, that you’re shocked you remember what actually happened. Yes, you do have a thing for older men, but you were never dumb enough to actually go after one. Your curves had come in by the time you were in 7th grade, which meant that it wasn’t hard for you to catch anyone’s eye. So, it came as no surprise when you caught the eye of your 9th grade History teacher, Mr. Matthews.

Everyone’s favorite teacher.

It didn’t matter that he had approached you first, it didn’t matter that you asked him to stop sending you unsolicited dick pics, and it didn’t matter that you pushed him off of you when he kissed you. What did matter was that your “friends” had heard you say multiple times that you couldn’t wait to get older so that you could date older men, it mattered that you were often referred to as one if the prettiest girls in school, and what mattered was that everyone knew you weren’t a virgin.

When you finally found the courage to go to the principle and tell her what happened, showing her all the pictures and texts, it didn’t matter that there was proof that you didn’t want it. What mattered was that you got everyone’s favorite teacher fired.

After that, your friends stop calling and coming around, dads started looking you over more often when they picked up their kids from school, and mothers didn’t want their sons dating “such a tramp” (as one mother so lovingly put it).

Almost over night, you became a recluse. You worked as much as possible, you stayed in the library on your free periods, and when you weren’t too burnt out, you did your homework. By the time Jacob Barber came back to school, you had become such a recluse you barely paid attention to the fact that he was in your class. However, the site of someone shoving him into a locker and calling him a “murderous fucking psycho” broke your heart. You two bonded on being outcasts and bullied, and that’s how you two ended up being best friends.

“The Barbers seem like nice people, sweetheart,” your mother encouraged as she helped you style your hair.

“I just-”

“Listen, those fuck heads at the school are just that: fuck heads. Not everyone is going to see you in the light that they see you in. You didn’t do anything wrong-”

“I know I didn’t, but still.”

“Just relax, you’re gonna have a great time,” she reassured you as she placed her hands on your shoulders.

As luck would have it, Mr. Barber wasn’t there when you went to Jacob’s party. Jacob said he got called into work or something and that he wouldn’t be home until later. Laurie was unfailingly kind in her words and very welcoming, but her eyes told you differently. She would look you over and you knew she was trying to decide if you had been telling the truth all those years ago. You tried to talk yourself out of it, but the fact that whenever you came over Mr. Barber was always gone let you know that you weren’t being delusional.

But, you got over it.

Laurie was always nice to your face and she never stopped you from being friends with Jacob. As far as you were concerned, everything was fine for the most part.

Then, as fate would have it, your father hit the lotto of all things. He was quick to pack up the little bit that you all had and moved you all into a house only a few blocks away from the Barbers. You thought that would be the end of the arguing, but that somehow only made it worse. You kept hoping that they’d work it out, but one day you woke up and all of his things were gone. The next day, your mother answered the door to Andy Barber serving her divorce papers.

You practically lived in Jacob’s room for a month after that.

The only thing that made it worse? Your Father had been in a relationship with another woman for months. So, your Mother took the money that he left and decided to spend it on herself. You didn’t matter at all anymore. New purses, a new car, a shit ton of alcohol, new clothes, she just kept buying whatever she wanted and sleeping with whoever she wanted.

You were left to navigate through all of the bullshit by yourself.

You would have thought that with the news of what happened with your parents, and what your Father did, you would have found some favor with Laurie.

You didn’t.

While she started buying you things for the holidays and your birthdays (always signing them from both her and Andy), invited you over for holiday dinners, offered to let you throw celebrations for your birthday at the Barber household, but she still never wanted Andy around when you were there. Yeah, it hurt that she still didn’t trust you after so much time had passed, but you let it go. As long as you didn’t have to hear about her hating you, it was easy for you to pretend that she genuinely cared about you and that Andy was an extremely busy man.

See,the thing is, Laurie desperately wanted to like you but she just couldn’t.

You were kind, respectful, thoughtful, patient, and extremely caring. Yes, you loved Jacob and looked out for him when you two were out in public, but in a way, that made her even more wary. You never showed any interest in Jacob and he was completely wrapped up in Sarah. It didn’t help that half the time Jacob went out with you, he’d come home completely shit faced and alone. When she’d ask where you were in the morning, Jacob was always truthful and said “I don’t know, she went home with some guy she met at the bar.”

Yeah, Laurie wanted to like you, but just couldn’t bring herself to for a number of reasons, and you told yourself you were fine with it.

Until you overheard a conversation in their kitchen a year ago.

“Would you mind grabbing beers from downstairs?” Jacob asked as his eyes stayed glued to the screen in front him.

You don’t know how many times you’ve seen ‘Borat’ at this point, but you could quote it line for line. A talent you weren’t necessarily proud of.

“It’s your house.”

“It’s my parents house.”

“Even more reason for you to go and get it.”

“Y/N come on, this my favorite part!”

“You owe me, Barber,” you muttered before you got up and quickly made out of the room.

It’s not like you meant to creep downstairs, but you knew how Laurie felt about you, and Jacob had invited you over unannounced because he just wanted to hangout and was worn out from college.

You were more than ready to run into the kitchen then run back upstairs, but the voices you heard coming from the kitchen made you come to a complete stop.

“Laurie, this is fucking ridiculous! She’s our son’s best friend and I’ve never even met the girl!” Andy snapped in a hushed tone.

“You saw her at graduation!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! The fact is you still have this idea about some stupid revenge!”

“Why wouldn’t you? And why not with her?! The whole town knows-”

“Jesus! She was a fucking child when that happened, and she very clearly didn’t-”

“She was a child then but she isn’t now!”

“Do you hear how fucking crazy you sound?!”

You leaned in a little bit more than you meant to and quickly took a step to regain your balance, but the floor creaked and you instantly knew you were found out, so instead of trying to run off in the other direction, you walked into the kitchen as if you’d just gotten there.

“Oh Y/N! How’s Borat?” Laurie smiled with a small laugh as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Same as its always is,” you chuckled awkwardly as you made your way to the fridge “sorry to interrupt though, Jacob just wanted me to grab a few beers.”

“As silly as it sounds, you’ve never met Andy! Andy meet-”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he smiled at you sincerely as he outstretched his hand.

“I get it, you’ve been extremely busy, it’s not a problem at all,” you smiled sheepishly before taking his outstretched hand and shaking it.

He didn’t look you over, he didn’t ogle you, and he didn’t give you a suggestive smirk. Instead, his eyes let you know that he was sorry. He knew you’d heard what they had been talking about and he felt embarrassed and awful.

It made your heart flutter just a little.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” you laughed awkwardly before letting go of his hand and opening the fridge, accidentally grabbing the entire six pack “I should get back to Jake.”

“Y/N, what you heard tonight-” Laurie started as you shook your head.

“I didn’t hear a thing,” you lied with a sincere smile before exiting and making your way back upstairs.

“What took you so long?” Jacob asked as you closed the door to his room.

“I finally got to meet your dad,” you chuckled nervously as you handed him a beer.

“It’s about fucking time,” he chuckled as he took the beer from you. “How’d that go?”

‘Well you know....me and parents.”

“Oh God, were they weird? Was he weird?”

“No, it was just me, like always,” you lied before almost completely downing an entire bottle of beer. “Hey, do your parents argue a lot?”

“All the fucking time,” he scoffed as if it were not a big deal.

“What about?” you questioned before you finished off your beer and grabbed a second; wasting no time in opening another one before you took a giant swig from it.

“Anything, honestly. My dad went through this really bad depression the summer before I met you. He was drunk every day, never wanted to leave the house unless it was for work...him and my mom were fighting a lot. Sometimes over me and sometimes over him and the secrets he decided to keep. Anyway, since then, they’ve been arguing about everything. For the last 3 or 4 years, they’ve been arguing about some girl.”

“Oh?”

“My mother swears that my father is out on some revenge quest with some young woman, and she lays into him about it every chance she gets.”

“Do you know who?”

“Nah, I just know she works at a library or something,” he shrugged.

You loved Jacob so much, but sometimes he could be a complete and total fucking idiot.

“Well,” you started before downing the entire second bottle “I’ve gotta get going.”

“What?!” Jacob exclaimed as he paused the movie. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just have to get back.”

“To what? You know she’s drunk at some club-”

“I have work tomorrow, Jake. At the library,” you muttered, hoping to drop the hint that you were the girl his parents had been arguing about for years.

“That’s not until the afternoon!”

“I’m working the full day, I need the money.”

“Y/N, did something happen down there?”

“I promise everything is fine,” you lied with a reassuring smile “I’ll call you when I get home.”

“At least let me drive you home.”

“It’s a short walk, I’ll be fine,” you laughed as you grabbed another beer and got up. “I’ll call you when I get home,” you repeated before you walked out.

You quickly made your way downstairs and practically ran out the door, pretending you didn’t hear Laurie when she called after you.

From that day on, you’ve barely ever stepped foot inside the Barber household. When you’d run into Laurie at the grocery store, you’d make polite small talk and pretend you didn’t know how little she actually thought of you, and you went out of your way to avoid Andy.

In Laurie’s defense, if you were her, you’d have anxiety about women trying to steal your husband all the time.

Besides the fact that he’s annoyingly good at his job, Andy Barber is insanely attractive. Girls throw themselves him, guys envy him, and you’d overheard a few women at school talk about how they changed their workout routines just so they could catch a glimpse of him swimming. Women wanted Andy and they didn’t try to hide it. So, when some young woman comes along, who’s never shied away from the fact that she likes older men, of course she threw all logic out the window and decided to keep her husband as far away as possible.

So, out of respect and not wanting to cause more stress for Jacob, you stayed away. The last time you saw him was the beginning of the month.

“I feel like you’re busier than usual,” Sarah commented as the three of you hung out in the living room.

Sarah was cuddled up against Jacob on one side of the sofa, and you were laid out on the other side, half paying attention to the movie playing.

“That’s because I am,” you groaned as she chuckled.

“Well, why don’t you slow up? The library can’t possibly need you as much.”

“I’m not working there anymore.”

“Oh? And why weren’t we told?”

“Because it’s a surprise!” you whined as they both start to laugh.

“Well,” Jacob started as he turned his attention towards you “now you have to tell us.”

“It’s a surprise!”

“Nope, we gotta know. It’s gonna bother us all night.”

“You both suck, I hope you know that,” you scowled as they both continued to laugh “I started working as a secretary at that advertising agency not far from the college.”

“Sloman and Brothers? Well look at you!” Jacob exclaimed. “The next time we all go out, dinner will be on you!”

“You say this as if I don’t have bills.”

“Your Mother is still making you help out?”

“No, I’m finally getting my own place.”

“SERIOUSLY?!”

“Yes,” you laughed as you felt his genuine happiness and love for you.

“That’s great, I’m happy for you,” Mr. Barber’s voice came from behind, which caused you to jump and sit straight up.

“I thought you guys were gonna go out for dinner,” Jacob said casually, not paying to your complete change in your demeanor.

Sarah did though.

“Change of plans,” Laurie smiled, but you could see irritation in her eyes. Whether it was towards you or Mr. Barber you couldn’t tell, but Jacob’s eyeroll let you know it was directed towards Mr. Barber. “Andy’s right though, Y/N. That’s amazing and we’re so happy for you.”

“Thank you,” you smiled awkwardly before you got up “but I should be going now.”

“What? The movie isn’t even halfway over!” Jacob protested.

“I know, but I do have work tomorrow, and I have to get boxes to start packing my stuff in, it’s not a lot but still.”

“Actually, Y/N is making a good point. I think I’m gonna head out. I can give you a ride back to your place.”

“What the fuck?!” Jacob snapped.

“Jacob!” Laurie reprimanded.

“Watch it, bud,” Andy warned.

“Jacob, it’s fine. You’re picking me up after work tomorrow, we’ll hangout then.”

“Yeah fine,” he huffed before standing up and giving her a small hug and a kiss on the lips. “I love you, let me know when you’re home safe, okay?”

“I always do,” she smiled at him.

“And you,” he nodded as he turned towards you “don’t start packing without me.”

“As if I have anyone else to call,” you teased with a soft small.

“Hey, finish up that paper. I know it’s a pain but you’re almost done and it’s due tomorrow,” Sarah reminded him and you sighed, knowing what was coming next.

“Jacob, we pay your tuition and you barely work.There’s no reason for that paper to not be done already,” Laurie snapped as Andy ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

“It’s almost done,” Jacob scowled.

“You shouldn’t be doing anything until that paper is done!”

“Stop it, Laurie.” Andy sighed

“Stay out of it, Andy!”

“Stay out of it? He’s my son too!” Andy shouted back.

“Okay, I’m gonna grab a fucking beer, then I’m going to work on this fucking paper. I love you both, enjoy your night cause I sure as shit won’t,” Jacob all but growled before storming out of the living room and into the kitchen.

“Um, bye Mr. And Mrs. Barber,” Sarah said sheepishly before heading out.

You followed right behind, giving them both a small wave. Jacob was about to have the night from hell and you felt awful.

“I shouldn’t have said anything, I feel like an asshole,” Sarah practically cried as you two got into her car.

“It’s not your fault, Laurie was angry the minute she set foot through the door. Whether it was with me or Andy-”

“Yeah, what’s going on there?” Sarah asked as she started her car.

“Something tells me you’re not taking me home, are we?” you groaned as you slumped down in the seat.

“Nope, we’re going to talk about this all of this over dinner.”

For the next hour, you told Sarah all about your friendship with Jacob and how Laurie had been silently against it from the beginning, but would never say anything about it to your face. When you told her about the conversation you’d overheard between her and Andy a year ago, she was understandably pissed.

“She seriously believes that you seduced Mr. Matthews?” she snapped.

“I honestly don’t know if she believes I did or that if she’s just afraid that now that I’m older, I’ll go after Andy. Mind you, tonight’s the second time I’ve ever seen the fucking man.”

“Wait, what?”

“Laurie makes sure to keep him out of the house and away when she knows I’m coming over. The first night we finally fucking met was an accident. Jacob invited me over to watch ‘Borat’ and didn’t tell Laurie first. Hence the quiet argument in the kitchen.”

“That’s such fucking bullshit! I mean, I kind of had an idea that something was wrong when he told me that his parents had been fighting about a girl that worked in a library, I kinda assumed it was you, but I had no idea it was this fucking ridiculous. I’m gonna take a guess and assume that Jacob knows nothing about this?”

“Of course not. I’ll never tell him about the conversation because it’ll only make things worse for him at home, but he’s never going to put the library thing together,” you scoffed as the waiter dropped off the second round of drinks.

“Yeah, I love the man, but he can be so clueless at times,” she chuckled before taking a sip of her margarita. “Can I ask you something? And please don’t take it as-”

“You can ask me anything, Sarah,” you laughed.

“Do you have a crush on Mr. Barber? I mean, I know you find older men attractive and-”

“I don’t know the man,” you laughed with a shrug “I mean, I’m not blind; the man is gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean I have a crush on him. Would I have a one night stand with him? Who wouldn’t? However, he’s married and Jacob’s dad, and I’d never put Jacob through more hell than hes already been through.”

“You really do love him, don’t you?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him,” you smiled softly.

“Have you tried dating guys our age?”

“Yeah, and it sucked,” you chuckled. “I don’t know, I just don’t have anything in common with guys our age.”

“There’s Jacob.”

“Yeah, but I don’t feel that way towards Jacob. You know that.”

“No, I’m saying that if you can have fun and enjoy someone our age, the way you do with Jacob, why not try it with someone else and try out dating them?”

“I’m just always bored with guys our age, I don’t know how to explain it. The conversation is boring, the sex is bad, and there’s no spark. Just a dull fucking flame,” you muttered before taking a sip of your Mai Tai.

“Are you the type of woman who calls a man ‘Daddy’?” she giggled.

“Only if he works for it,” you smirked as she burst out laughing.

The rest of the dinner went great and you told Sarah (and yourself) that would all be sorted soon enough.

You’re just hoping and praying that you’ll be able to keep Jacob in the dark long enough until you get out.

Your mother coming home and giggling at something the guy who brought her home says, pulls you out of your thoughts. You take another giant swig from the bottle before closing it; settling under your covers and quickly finding your way to sleep land.

It can’t always rain...right?

The hard knock on your front door brings a smile to your face and you run downstairs to answer it, happy to finally get the fuck out of the hellhole your father purchased.

Also referred to as a house.

“Okay, so basically everything is packed and...oh?” you stop when you open the door and see Jacob standing there...with Andy.

“Yeah,” Jacob laughs as he makes his way inside “it’s Saturday and he has nothing better to do. Wasn’t hard to convince to help me move a few desks.”

“Where’s Mrs. Barber?”

“Oh, she’s out to lunch with some friends. When’s your mom gonna be back?”

“She’ll be gone all day. Apparently the last guy she brought home really stuck,” you scoff before turning to Andy “thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” he smiles at you. “How many desks are we moving?”

“2 desks, 2 drawers, and 1 closet.”

“And how you were you two planning on doing that alone?”

“Hope, Mr. Barber. A lot of hope,” you smirk as he laughs.

Jacob and Andy are quick to grab the desks, drawers, and closet, while you finish boxing up the last few things you have. It’s sad that you don’t even feel a little upset about leaving. You only feel relief.

Andy volunteers to drive the moving truck, while Jacob drives his car and you drive your own.

And just like that, you’re all moved out. It’s like you were never even there.

“Y/N, this place is amazing!” Jacob exclaims as the three of you make your way inside your new place.

“I still can’t believe it’s mine,” you snort.

“I’m so happy for you!”

“I’ll be happy once I deal with my mom. God knows how long it’ll take for her to figure out that I’m gone,” you mutter.

“Hey, lets not worry about that right now. Lets get you moved in,” he smiles at you, and you can’t help but smile back.

As you all unloaded the truck, you take notice of how much Jacob is checking on Andy, and how hard he’s working to make him laugh and smile. You also notice how upset and worn out he seems, even though he tries to hide it.

“Hey,” you call to Jacob after Andy steps out, going to get another box “what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing,” he lies with a soft chuckle “just excited-”

“Jake, you know better.”

“I don’t wanna dampen your day.”

“You not telling me will dampen my day, cause I’ll be worried.”

“I wish they’d get a fucking divorce already,” he sighs, leaning against the wall.

“Who? Your parents?”

“All they fucking do is fight, and if my mom’s real pissed, she takes it out on me. I don’t see the point of them staying together anymore, because it really is just for show at this point. I don’t even know why she’s so mad all the time. She’s been angry ever since everything happened and it just feels like it never went away. The only reason I even fucking stayed home for college was to lookout for him. Remember I told you about the really bad depression he went through a little while back? He was always drunk, never left the house, cried a lot? She would just...she holds all these fucking grudges. Things she needs to let go of, but refuses to. He stays because he loves her and he feels like he owes me something.”

“Are you mad at him?”

“I mean...I was. Everything was happening at once, I was on trial for murder, and I was just a kid. I was angry, but I got older and I understood. My dad’s not a bad guy. He loves the shit out of me and my mom, and he cares about people in his own way. No, he isn’t some patron saint, but he they’re people with far worse dads than mine. A good example? His own dad. I don’t know, he just doesn’t deserve this.”

“Be that as it may, you can’t make yourself miserable over the problems of two grown adults.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“We’re standing in the middle of my brand new apartment. I am one to talk, babe,” you smirk at him and he laughs softly. “Listen, I really don’t anything about your dad other than that he loves the hell out of you. He wouldn’t want you making yourself miserable for all of this, and you can’t make him leave your mom. It has to be a decision he makes on his own.”

“I just feel guilty.”

“Trust me, I completely understand, but there’s really nothing more you can do besides be there for him when he needs or wants to talk. You don’t have to stay in that house to do that.”

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“So...all the time?”

“Fuck you,” he laughs as you wrap in him in a hug.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jake.”

“Thank you.”

“Always,” you smile as you two break apart.

“Forgot my phone, I have a call to make,” Andy chuckles with a shake of his head as he makes his way back into your apartment,

You two make eye contact for a split second, but it’s long enough to let you know that you heard everything that was just discussed.

Fuck.

He doesn’t say a thing about it and acts as if he didn’t hear anything, but you still feel bad. You hope and pray that he doesn’t think that you’re coming off as judgmental and rude, because that’s the last thing you want. You just want to be there for Jacob because he needs it. All he has (outside of his parents) are you and Sarah, and you want to make sure that he knows that he can have better if he really wants to.

So can Andy.

By the time all the boxes and furniture are setup, you’re all beat.

“I feel like I should buy you both dinner,” you smile halfheartedly at the Barber men who just laugh in response.

“We should be buying you dinner,” Andy retorts.

“No! You both spent your Saturday helping me move in! It’s the least-”

“You’re a young woman moving into her first apartment on her own, with no help from anyone, and at a young age. It’s a big deal. What’s your favorite place to get food from?” Andy asks with a sincere smile.

You ignore the butterflies in your stomach as you focus on the correct answer to his question. “Um, you know the Chinese place not too far from your job? Great Dynasty?”

“I love that place! They have the best dumplings!”

“They do!”

“Should I step out while you two have a moment?” Jacob laughs and you flip him off.

Andy takes everyone’s order, and you laugh when the both of you almost end up getting the same thing, and Jacob promises to be the one to pick it up since Andy ordered. You find your record player easily enough and pull out your favorite The Clash album, before asking the both of them what they want to drink.

“Keep in mind, you both have to drive,” you smirk as you pour yourself a glass of whiskey.

“You like the Clash, you favor whiskey, you have great taste in Chinese food, and you love black and white movies?”

“And how would you know that I love black and white movies?” you chuckle as you cock an eyebrow.

“Jacob has a big mouth,” Andy mumbles.

“You make me watch them all the time!” Jacob defends.

“And how many times have I had to sit through ‘Borat’? I don’t wanna hear it,” you shoot back before sticking your tongue out at him.

“This is turning out to be a lot more fun than I thought it would be,” Andy laughs “do you have bourbon?”

“I raided my mom’s liquor cabinet, so I have everything,” you smile before turning to Jacob “except beer.”

“Why are you always against me?” he grumbles as you and Andy burst out laughing. “I’ll go buy some and by the time I’m back, the food should be just arriving.”

“You can calculate time when it comes to school, but in high school...”

“Watch it,” he warns and you giggle.

“Either of you want anything?” he questions, grabbing Andy’s car fob off the kitchen island.

“Chips and salsa, please,” you smile at him.

“You can’t live off chips and salsa.”

“Watch me,” you smirk and he chuckles “and wear your damn seat belt.”

“Jake!” Andy snaps.

“It’s only sometimes!” he quickly counters before turning to you “traitor.”

“You shouldn’t be driving around without it!”

“I swear, you’re such a mom,” he scowls before turning his attention back to Andy “you be nice to her.”

“I’m always nice, it’s your mother you have to worry about,” Andy mutters and you almost choke on your whiskey.

“Fair point,” Jacob scoffs before walking out.

Leaving you all alone with Andy Barber.

“Well, this is awkward,” Andy smirks and a small giggle escapes your lips as you pour him a drink.

“Only a little bit.”

“Listen, about Laurie-”

“You don’t have to-”

“I do, because you don’t deserve to feel like you’re the problem, cause you’re not. I know that you heard what she said that night and I’m sorry. It was...rude, disgusting, and wrong. You’ve been nothing but a great friend to Jacob, and I don’t know why...you were a child-”

“I’m not one now,” you scoff with an eye roll before taking a sip of your drink.

“Is it bad that this is the third time I’ve seen you and I feel terrible?”

“You have no reason to feel terrible. Honestly, neither does Laurie. I see how women look at you and how they talk about you, and then there’s me: your sons best friend, with a reputation. Whether it’s true or not, doesn’t matter because the seed has already been planted. She’s just trying to-”

“She’s trying to make sure I don’t do to her what she did to me,” he mutters before he can stop himself. He quickly looks at you with shock in his eyes “forget you heard-”

“I won’t tell Jacob,” you tell him reassuringly, but your heart breaks a little and he can tell.

“She only did it the one time, it was after the trial and she had her doubts and reservations. She’s not a bad-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself or your marriage to me. You see my family, I’m not about to start throwing stones.”

“I just don’t want you to think the worst of her. I heard what you told Jacob-”

“I wasn’t trying to tell him to abandon you-”

“No, I know, I just...you’re right, he can’t fix what’s wrong between Laurie and I. I wish I had known he stayed just for me. I would’ve told him to go to Yale. Did you know that he was accepted into Yale?”

“He was accepted into a lot of colleges. He read and showed me every single acceptance letter.”

“If I’m honest, I thought he stayed for you. I’ve always believed he’s in love with you.”

“Everyone seems to think that. We’re just friends though. I should want to be with him, but it’s just not...he’s not my type.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Nothing,” you laugh before taking another sip of your drink “I’m not his type either. We’re best friends.”

“I can’t imagine you not being someones type....I don’t mean to be-”

“You’re fine,” you chuckle softly.

“You’re oddly calming to talk to.”

“Jacob always says that.”

“So,” he starts as he clears his throat, taking a seat “I feel like I have a lot to learn about you.”

“There’s really nothing to know,” you laugh “I have two friends, I don’t talk to my parents much, I work a lot, I tend to drink a bit too much at times, I have a horrible sleep schedule, I drink entirely too much coffee, I love to cook, I laugh entirely too loud when I think something is funny, and I cry every time I watch ‘Titanic’,” you finish with a smile before finishing off your drink and pouring yourself another glass as Andy laughs.

“I’m sure there’s more to you than that.”

“I’m as plain as they come.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to pay closer attention and find out for myself.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Where does Mrs. Barber think you are? Couldn’t help but notice that you weren’t there on Tuesday.”

“She thinks I’m working,” he sighs as finishes off his own drink and pouring himself another. “I feel awful-”

“Why? You haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t say it, she did.”

“I should’ve stood up to her.”

You take a minute before you speak. “Mr. Barber-”

“Andy. Please call me Andy. ‘Mr. Barber’ makes me feel like an old man. Just because I am one doesn’t mean I wanna feel like one.”

“You’re not old but okay,” you chuckle softly “Andy, I don’t wanna overstep, but...you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. You don’t owe anyone anything. Jacob talks about you all the time, you’re his hero. You did what you thought was best and I can’t fault you for that. Hell, I wish no one knew about what my dad did and all it was, was cheat and be an asshole. I just...from the way Jacob talks about you, how hes always talked about you...you shouldn’t have to put yourself through hell to feel like you’re a good man,” you finish softly.

“How old are you?”

“I am in the middle of being 23 and it’s a fucking doozy,” you chuckle and he laughs.

“Jacob’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

“He’s also lucky to have you as a father,” you smile at him, as the record comes to an end. “Any requests?”

“You may hate them but...Alice in Chains?”

“They’re my favorite band in the world, so you’re in luck,” you practically squeal as you make your way over to your record box.

You two spend the rest of your time alone together talking about music and movies, laughing and bonding over how alike you two are, but the minute Jacobs steps foot into your apartment, you change the subject. You know you have nothing to be ashamed of, but it just feels personal and like you both shouldn’t be saying anything in front of him.

From that moment on, you and Andy decide that whatever you two decide to talk about is between you two. You have private phone calls with him, you two text all the time, and you both FaceTime often. No, you’re not trying to lure Andy Barber in, but talking to him is so freeing and honest. He’s fun to talk to and it’s not like you talk to a lot of people to begin with.

“Lets grab drinks,” Andy says from the Bluetooth device that’s connected to your car.

“You know we can’t,” you laugh as you press on the brakes as you reach a stoplight.

“I hate talking about all of this shit over the phone.”

“Yeah well, Laurie will hate you and lay into Jacob because of it.”

“This is so dumb.”

“You could get a divorce.”

“Then hangout with you so she can hate you?”

“She already hates me, Andy. Who cares?”

“I do.”

“Andy.”

“It’s not fair to you, and it pisses me the fuck off.”

“Well, you’re sweet,” you smile before grabbing your phone, switching it back to personal use, turning your car off and getting out “but I’m fine.”

“Well, I’m not. Am I an idiot? You’re an adult and so am I. We should be able to hangout without having to deal with anyone’s shit.”

“Without Laurie’s shit.”

“We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“She won’t see it that way...shit,” you groan as you get to your apartment, seeing Andy leaning against your door.

“I wanted to see you,” he says simply as he hangs up.

“Why did you even suggest drinks if you were already here?”

“I knew you’d say no.”

“Andy-”

“A good conversation isn’t cheating,” he reassures you. “She doesn’t know I’m here and I’ll never tell her.”

“Isn’t that a problem in and of itself?”

“It’s only a problem because-”

“Andy.”

“If you tell me to go, I’ll leave right now,” he promises sincerely.

How are supposed to tell him no? How are you supposed to turn him down?

Somehow, you’ve become Andy’s therapist and best friend. It’s not like you two do much of anything besides talk, and you only see every other week. Of course Andy is attractive, and you aren’t going to lie and say that it isn’t nice to have someone to talk to who you feel like actually gets it, but at the end of the day, he’s Jacob’s dad and Laurie’s husband. You refuse to cross that line.

“How was work?” he asks, pouring you both a drink as you go into your room to change.

“I’d like, for once in my life, to not be fucking looked at like I’m a fucking sex doll,” you scowl as you pull on sweatpants then your Boston University crew neck.

“You can tell your boss.”

“Complain to my boss about my boss? No thanks,” you sigh as you step back out into the living area, making your way over to the kitchen.

“You could just quit.”

“Then how would I pay for this nice apartment?”

“You’re extremely smart and talented, I’m sure you’d be able to find another job in an instant.”

“You are annoyingly kind,” you smile as you take a seat at the kitchen island. “Where does she think you are tonight?”

“Work,” Andy responds nonchalantly as he passes you your drink.

“Andy.”

“Would you like for me to call her and tell her that I’m here?”

“I would like for you to get a divorce.”

“I owe her-”

“You don’t owe her shit, Andy.”

“If you’re against her so much-”

“I’m not against her, I’m against you feeling like you need to pay penance.”

“Y/N-”

“Do you still love her enough to go through all of this?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Andy, how old are you?”

“42...about to be 43.”

“That explained so much so fast,” you chuckle before taking a sip of your drink. “You’re still young. You can leave Laurie, find someone new, and not feel like you have to hide your friendships or who you really are.”

“She just needs time.”

“How much more time does she need? Andy, you’re not that guy. Don’t be that guy.”

“What about you? I don’t see you making-”

“Y/N!” Jacob called from the other side of your door.

You and Andy both exchange panicked looks as you hear him put the key you gave him into the keyhole. Andy quickly runs into your room as you down his drink and put it into the sink.

No one is doing anything wrong, so you’re not sure why the both of you feel so guilty.

“Why didn’t you answer?” Jacob asks as he makes his way inside.

“I was mid sip,” you laugh awkwardly.

“You’re wearing the crew neck I got you.”

“Gotta support my favorite guy,” you smile at him “what’s up?”

“I have a question and I don’t want you to freak out.”

“Well, now I am freaked out,” you mutter before taking a sip of whiskey.

“It’s not anything bad, I just...it’s...do you think...Christ, why can’t I find the words?!”

“Just spit it out.”

“Do you think I’ll be moving too fast if I propose to Sarah?” he spits out all at once.

“Well...shit.”

“I’m gonna talk to my dad about it, but I tell you everything, so I wanna run it past you first.”

“I mean, you two have been together forever and you love the hell out of each other....have you two even talked about getting a place together?”

“We’ve been looking at apartments, but we haven’t decided on anything yet.”

“Well, I 1000% think you two should get married, but you need a game plan. I’ve known you long enough to know that you don’t have one.”

“Well, where should I start?”

“For one, graduate first. I would imagine that planning a wedding and trying to graduate at the same time is annoying and stressful as hell. Next, decide on a place to live. I know you two have had a million sleepovers, but it’s not the same as actually living together.”

“Sarah could be the worst fucking roommate ever and I’d still propose. After all the shit shes had to put up, and all the shit we’ve been through...I love her so fucking much, Y/N.”

“I know you do, Jake,” you smile at him.

You can only imagine the smile on Andy’s face right now.

“Okay, graduate first, move in together, then propose. Got it. Graduation isn’t that far off anyway.”

“Aw, look at my little adult,” you beam and he flips you off.

“Will you go with me to pick out a ring? It’ll be me, you, and my dad...well, if he says yes.”

“You know he will,” you laugh softly “what about your mom?”

“Eh.”

“Eh?”

“I just feel like she’ll be a dark cloud. She’s so fucking moody lately, her and my dad have been arguing a lot, and she’s been a real ass to me.”

“Jacob.”

“Don’t. It’s fucking hell living in that house, and part of that is because of her and how she is. I don’t know what her fucking problem is, but I’m tired of always getting shit on because she’s having a bad day. I wish I never wrote that fucking story. She’s always going to think I’m a monster and she’s always going to be bitter about the fact that everyone looked at her as a bad parent.”

“She loves you, Jacob. I don’t have many talks with her, but the few that I’ve had, she loves. She may fuck up from time to time, but what parent doesn’t?”

“When’s the last time you spoke to yours?”

“We’re not talking about me,” you mutter as you down the rest of your drink before pouring yourself another one.

“I don’t get why I have to make nice with my mom, but you don’t have to with yours.”

“It took her a month to realize I moved out, Jake. Laurie would notice in a second.”

“Y/N-”

“Also, once she realized I moved out, she called me crying and bitched me out. She said I abandoned her just like my father did, even though it took her a fucking month to realize I was even gone. As for my dad, he’s getting married and wants me to be supportive. He told me that he didn’t abandon me, but he just needed to start over because too much had happened. So, that’s why you need to make nice with your mom and I don’t have to make nice with mine.”

“I didn’t mean...I’m sorry,” he sighs as he leans against the the kitchen island. “Ya know, I really fucking hate your parents,” he scowls and you laugh. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Both of them are selfish assholes,” you shrug. “There’s nothing more to it.”

“You’re a liar but I won’t press the matter. I gotta go though, I’m having dinner with Sarah and her family. I’ll text you later, I love you,” he smiles before leaning across the island and kissing your cheek.

“I love you too, Jake,” you smile as he goes to leave. “Wear your damn seat belt!”

“Jesus, yes mom!” he call over his shoulder before walking out and closing the door behind.

“Holy shit!” Andy beams as he steps out of your room and you burst out laughing. “He wants to propose! I’m so fucking....holy shit!”

“And he’s gonna come to you for advice soon,” you smile at him before taking his glass out of the sink and pouring him a drink.

“Why did you drink it?” he laughs.

“I panicked!”

“Why?”

“Why did you go running into my bedroom?”

“I’ve never seen it before,” he smirks and you let out a small laugh. “You know, you’re really good with him.”

“Who? Jacob? What do you mean?”

“You always know the right thing to say and how to calm him down. I forget that he’s the older one.”

“Jacob just needs patience and understanding. Just take your time with him and he’s fine. He’s a great guy, he’s just a little dark at times. We all are,” you shrug.

“Your parents-”

“Guess what I don’t wanna talk about?”

“Talk to me, Y/N. I’m not Jacob, I will push.”

“Why? It’s not a big deal. I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“And how would you know?”

“Cause I know you. Talk to me.”

“It just gets fucking irritating. They’re both adults but neither of them acts like it. I’m fine not talking to them, my life is much less hectic, but it would be nice to actually have parents instead of always having to be the parent,” you sigh before finishing your drink and slamming the glass down.

Andy says nothing as he rounds the island and slowly makes his way over to you. He wraps his arms around you tight and you swear it’s the best hug you’ve ever gotten.

All of Andy’s hugs make you feel like you’re home.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “You deserve so much better from everyone and I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry I can’t make it better for you.”

“I’m just tired. I’m so fucking tired,” you sob into his chest, wrapping your arms around him.

“I know you are, honey.”

“I’ve been doing everything all the time and I’m just ready for a fucking break. I just...ugh! I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t you dare be sorry. I vent to you all the time about everything. You can cry to me whenever you want about anything.”

“This isn’t your job. I shouldn’t be-”

“Y/N, you don’t have to be strong all the time. I want to be there for you like you’re always there me for me. If there’s anyone who deserves a good friend and someone to lean on, it’s you,” he tells you softly as he gently rubs your back.

If Andy Barber were anyone else, he’d be perfect for you. However, he’s not yours and you need to remember that.

“Are you staying for dinner?” you sniffle as you let go of him.

“Do you want me to?”

“I always want you to stay,” you scoff without even thinking. Mortification runs through your body as you realize what you just said. “I just mean-”

“You’re fine,” he chuckles. “What do you want? I’ll cook.”

“I’ll cook.”

“You need to relax.”

“I actually like cooking,” you laugh.

“Y/N-”

“How about we cook together?”

“A fair compromise,” he smiles at you.

After going through everything in your fridge and freezer (which really isn’t much), you both decide that something simple is the best choice. You make cheeseburgers and french fries in a happy silence, while The Doors play quietly in the background on your record player. You’ve never realized just how at ease he makes you feel until this moment.Everything feels so normal and simple.

You’re happy.

“Okay, what do you wanna watch?” you ask as you two sit on your sofa.

“I chose last time.”

“You’re a guest.”

“No, you just don’t like making decisions.”

“You’re annoying,” you tease and he chuckles. “How about...’Vivacious Lady’?”

“I don’t think we’ve watched that one yet.”

“Then ‘Vivacious Lady’ it is!”

Halfway through the movie, his phone rings and he rolls his eyes when checks it before ignoring it and putting it down.

“Andy-”

“She can wait.”

“She’s gonna get pissed.”

“She’s always pissed.”

“She’s gonna think you’re cheating.”

“She always thinks I’m cheating.”

“Andy-”

“I’m happy right now, Y/N. So fucking happy. I just want to enjoy it a little bit longer before I have to go home and deal with whatever bullshit she has waiting for me this time.”

“Why do you stay with her? You’re not happy, Jake isn’t happy-”

“Do we have to get into it now?”

“Yes.”

“I’m just...before Jacob’s trial, we were so happy. I don’t know, maybe it was all fake because she never knew the truth about my past. She fell in love with the version of myself that I made up so I could forget about my past. It’s really fucking hard to accept that it’s over. Yeah, she says she loves me and she wants to make it work, but I don’t know how much I believe it. Yeah, we both make good money, but I’m the DA. That title still has some pull around here and people are nice to me just because I’m Andy Barber. She likes that. She likes it a lot. I keep holding on to hope that we’ll get back to how we were, but I just...I don’t know. Saying “it’s over” and following through are two very different things. I guess I’m just in denial,” he sighs before downing the rest of his drink.

You pause the movie and turn to look at him. “Stop feeling like you owe her something-”

“Y/N-”

“Just hear me out,” you interrupt softly. “The argument can be made that mistakes happened on both sides, and yeah, fine. In that sense, neither one of you owes each other anything. However, you didn’t cheat, she did. You’re not keeping her on a tight leash out of fear that she’ll cheat on you like you did her; she is. You’re not the one taking your anger out on Jacob, she is, and you aren’t the one who gave up on the marriage. She is. So, why are you putting yourself through hell? What does it prove? That you’re willing to make yourself miserable for someone who you don’t love the same way you did before? Things happen, and sometimes things fall apart. You making yourself miserable isn’t going to change anything. You heard Jacob tonight. He wishes you two would get a divorce, and I think you do, too.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because you’re here with me instead of at home with your wife,” you tell him softly.

Andy sighs before rubbing the back of his neck, “you’re annoyingly smart.”

“Yeah, Jacob says the same thing,” you smirk at him before resuming the movie.

“You know...you’re gonna find someone who’s gonna treat you right.”

“I’m not holding my breath,” you snort before finishing off your drink. “Do you want another?”

“Why don’t you think you’re gonna find a good man?”

“Do you want another drink?”

“Oh no, you don’t get rake me over the coals then decide you’re gonna shut down.”

“I’m not shutting down,” you mutter, reaching across him and grabbing his glass before getting up and grabbing your own and getting, making your way over to the island.

“Then what’s going on?”

“If I say it out loud, it’ll sound stupid and I don’t exactly want to feel stupid in front of you.”

“Why would it be stupid?”

“Andy.”

“Talk to me, honey.”

“I just...I know what people in this town think of me, okay? I don’t date guys my age, because they’re too immature for me. I don’t take the older guys I sleep with seriously, because I know they’re just looking for a good time. The few that I gave a fair shot to, got mad because I wasn’t some dumb young thing they could control. As long as I’m here, I’m never going to have anything real. That’s just...that’s how it is and it’s whatever. I fuck around from time to time and it gets me by.”

“Why did you think that would make you sound stupid?”

“Because I sound like a child.”

“Wanting to be loved doesn’t make you sound like a child. It makes you sound like a regular adult. A regular person. We all want to be loved.”

“Yeah well, you’re sweet.”

“I mean it, sweetheart. There’s nothing childish about wanting to be loved as you are, and for who you are. God knows you’ve more than earned it.”

“I just don’t like being vulnerable, you know that.”

“It’s me.”

“Especially with you.”

“What does that mean?”

“You can always see right through me and it just...sometimes, it feels like you know exactly what I’m thinking. I feel like...sometimes you know me better than Jacob.”

“You don’t like that?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“It’s getting late and you should go.”

“What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“No, you’re upset. What-”

“Andy, you didn’t do anything, honestly. I’m just...I wish there were more guys like you,” you smile softly. “Maybe then, I wouldn’t hate it here so much.”

“The feeling is mutual,” he quietly responds.

“We should call it a night. We both have work in the morning, Laurie’s already wondering where you are-”

“We were having a good night, and I feel like-”

“Don’t feel like anything, because you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just in a weird head space.”

“Why do I always feel like I put you in a weird head space.”

“Andy-”

“Am I doing something wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“Andy, you do everything right, and that’s the problem. I shouldn’t feel like you’re the guy doing everything right. I shouldn’t feel as comfortable with you as I do,” you confess softly.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No, and that’s why you should,” you almost sniffle.

Andy lets out a sorrowful sigh, and in a way, that makes you feel worse. He’s fighting off the same thing you are. You both know that the intimacy you both crave isn’t right. It’s not so much sexual as it personal. You want him to hold you until you fall asleep, and he wants to. You want him to pepper your cheeks with soft and loving kisses, and you can tell that he’s dying to.

You’re dying for Andy to be yours and he wants nothing more than that.

For now? You’ll just blame the alcohol and pretend you won’t remember in the morning.

“Let me know when you’re home, okay?” you ask as you both stand by your door.

“We can just pretend-”

“No...no we can’t. Lets just stop while we’re ahead,” you smile weakly, ignoring the pain in your heart.

This is the right the thing to do.

Andy stands there with outstretched arms, and you’re more than happy to make your way over to him as he engulfs you in one of the best hugs hes ever given you.

“You’re better than all the rest,” he whispers into your hair before kissing it and letting go of you, opening the door, and walking out.

In that moment, you decide to let go of all of the fantasies you’ve ever had about Andy Barber. He isn’t yours (even if he does divorce Laurie), he’s Jacob’s father, and he’s never going to see you as you see him. If anything, you’d just be a welcomed distraction and a fun time. So, you start seeing him less and come up with excuses as to why he can’t come over. You miss him like crazy but what’s the point? Why torture yourself (or him) over something that can never happen?

Everything works out well enough until December.

“Okay, so ya know how I said you, me, and Sarah are gonna have a movie this Friday night?” Jacob asks from the speakers of your car asks as you drive home.

“Yeah?”

“Well, I completely forgot that, that night is the holiday party at my dad’s job. Which, I usually don’t care about, but he’s getting an award and I wanna be there for him.”

“Aww, that’s great, Jake,” you smile as you come to a stop light. “We’ll reschedule for another day-”

“Well, I want you to come cause I still want to hangout.”

“I don’t even want think about the cost of-”

“You don’t have to! My mom isn’t going and I ran it past my dad, and he’s fine with it!”

“Why isn’t your mom going?”

“Who knows,” he scowls “they’ve been arguing a lot more lately. I’m pretty sure I heard him throw out the word ‘divorce’ at least three times last night, and she was crying and begging him not to. I’m fairly sure hes been sleeping on the sofa.”

“How’s the apartment search going for you and Sarah?”

“On hold for the holidays, but we think we found a place we wanna move into by February.”

“Good, get the fuck out of that house.”

“I try not to think about it, anyway, will you come? Sarah is more than happy to go shopping with you for a dress.”

“Jacob.”

“Please?”

“When is it?”

“This Friday.”

“Jacob!”

“You usually have Saturdays off!”

“Does it really mean all that much to you?”

“Don’t make me feel like an asshole about this.”

“Oh, now you feel like an asshole?”

“Y/N-”

“I...I’ll go,” you sigh as you pull into the parking garage of your complex.

“Don’t make it sound like a death sentence.”

“You have to sit by him and I’ll sit on the other side of Sarah.”

“Why can’t you sit by him?”

“I’m not married to him, nor am I related to him, and he’s the DA. Me sitting by him won’t look good.”

“I didn’t think about that. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll sit by him, Sarah will sit by me, and you’ll sit by Sarah.”

“Lovely.”

“Y/N-”

“I just need to wash off today, it was shitty and I’m tired.”

“If you’re this upset about it-”

“I’m not, I’ll see you Friday and please let Sarah know that I’ll text her later about dress shopping later.”

“Y/N-”

“It’s just been a really long day, Jacob.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you. Talk to you later?”

“Sounds good,” he sighs before hanging up.

You turn off your car and think things over for a bit before deciding on something you probably shouldn’t have.

“Well, look who it is,” Andy scowls after answering his phone.

“Why isn’t Laurie going to the party?”

“We got into an argument, she doesn’t want to go, and I do.”

“Why doesn’t she want to go?”

“I want to see you.”

“Andy.”

“Why are you staying away?”

“You know why.”

“We haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Have you told Laurie where you’ve been spending your time?”

“Why does she need to know?”

“Andy-”

“I miss you, Y/N.”

You sigh in defeat and run a hand through your hair, “I miss you too.”

“Let me come over.”

“What did you two argue about?”

“Let me come over and I’ll tell you all about it.”

“Andy.”

“Y/N.”

“Two hours, that��s it. After two hours, you have to go home.”

“Two hours it is,” is all he says before hanging up.

You don’t know why you have butterflies in your stomach as you make your way inside of the building and up to your apartment, but you can’t shake them. You’re not going to do anything (you never do anything with him). Simply being alone with him sets your body alight with passion and excitement.

You’re quick to change: the big, black, knitted wool sweater he seems to like you in and a pair of gray sweatpants. You hurry into the kitchen, grabbing one of the bigger wine glasses and filling it. You know you should’ve told him one hour instead of two, but you really do miss him. You miss him so fucking much.

You get halfway through the glass when you hear him knock on your.

“You should turn on the heater,” he says after you open the door, stepping aside to let him in.

“I did just get home from work,” you mutter, quickly closing the door.

“Yet you changed and have a full glass of wine.”

“Priorities,” you shrug.

“You’re gonna catch a cold,” he scolds as he makes his way over to the thermostat.

“Germs get you sick, not the cold.”

“Why the attitude?”

“Why isn’t Laurie going to the party?”

“Why do you need to know?”

“Why don’t you want to tell me?”

“Because you’ll get mad and I don’t want that.”

“Jacob said you threw around the word ‘divorce’ a few times.”

“That I did,”Andy sighs as he finally takes off his coat, leaving it on the coat rack he bought you as house warming gift, before making his way to the kitchen and making himself a drink.

“She won’t agree?”

“Nope.”

“Andy-”

“I don’t like not seeing you, Y/N.”

“You didn’t come over here for this, don’t start that shit,” you sigh, quickly regretting your decision to agree to see him.

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“You don’t wanna tell me about your argument with Laurie, I don’t wanna talk about this,” you shrug.

“Why are you arguing with me right now?!”

“Because you’re annoying, Andy!”

“I’m annoy-you’re annoying!”

“Then why are you here?!”

“Because I miss you!” he snaps, slamming his glass down.

You take a deep breath before finishing off your glass and making your way to your to kitchen and pouring yourself another glass. “Why isn’t she going to the party?”

“Will you just stop it? You miss me too.”

“Yeah well, I fucking shouldn’t.”

“Why not? We’re just friends-”

“Andy, just because I’m the younger one doesn’t mean I’m naive enough to be believe-”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. You know I would never try to belittle you or think less of you because you’re younger. That’s not fair.”

“Then why-”

“Because I know what can’t happen. You’re Jacob’s best friend and I know that what people think of you still bothers you. I wouldn’t ever do anything to make your life harder, especially while I’m still married. I would never ask that of you. So, we’re just friends. All we can be is just friends,” he finishes with a frustrated sigh.

You’re ready to tell him that he can do whatever he wants to with you, when your phone goes off.

You scowl in irritation (even though you know it’s for the best) as quickly make your way to the bedroom and answer your phone. “Hello?”

“We’re going dress shopping!!” Sarah squeals and you can’t stop yourself from laughing a little.

“That we are.”

“We never go shopping together, I’m so excited! What time should I pick you up tomorrow?”

“You don’t have to pick me-”

“Oh no, we’re making a day of this! Call in sick and then I’ll pick you up and we’ll spend the day shopping!”

“You are way too excited about this.”

“It’s gonna be so much fun! I feel like we haven’t spent a day together in so long!”

“I’ll text my boss tonight and tell him I feel like shit. He’s got a crush on me anyway, so I’m pretty sure I can get my way for a while.”

“Ah! This is perfect! Oh! Lets do brunch! I’ll pick you up at 12:30 and we’ll brunch first, then shop!”

“Sounds like a plan,” you laugh.

“Ugh, I can’t wait! This is gonna be so much fun! I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Sounds good, see you tomorrow?”

“Fuck yeah!” she squeals before hanging up.

You laugh to yourself before shaking your head. What the hell did you get yourself into?

“Wanna watch a movie with me?” Andy asks as you make your way out of your bedroom.

“We don’t have enough time for a movie.”

“Just stop. There’s no fucking time limit on this.”

“There should be.”

“Y/N-”

“Andy this isn’t right and you know it.”

“I miss watching movies with my best friend.”

“Laurie should be your best friend.”

“But she isn’t, not anymore,” he states softly, meeting you intense gaze. “Lets order dinner and watch a movie. I’m not going to do anything and you’re too good of a person to do anything. Lets just get sushi and enjoy the night.”

“You’re paying for the sushi,” you mutter, making your way to your little living area.

“Sounds like a plan,” he laughs softly, following right behind.

As you text your boss a bullshit excuse as to why you won’t be in tomorrow, you tell yourself that your Andy Barber fantasy is over, but it’s just a lie. Andy just basically admitted that he feels the same for you as you do for him, and it only makes you want him more. After you two finish dinner, he lets you choose the movie for the night, and you decide on ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ without hesitation.

One of your favorite movies.

You don’t know if it’s because of how much wine you’ve had, or how tired you are, but you find yourself cuddling up against him and not pulling away when he wraps his arms around you. You want, more than anything, to stay this way forever. Every so often, he presses soft kisses into your hair. and want so badly for him to kiss you everywhere else.

You’ve never felt so happy and safe and, at some point, you drift off .

“What’s happening?” you question lazily as you feel yourself almost floating, curling into Andy.

“It’s time for bed,” Andy chuckles softly.

“I don’t wanna go to bed.”

“Then you shouldn’t have gone to sleep.”

“Are you staying?”

“You know I can’t,” Andy sighs as he rests you down on the bed.

“I want you to,” you fuss as you get comfortable under the sheets.

“Don’t be difficult.”

“Then stay here.”

“You know I can’t,” he repeats as he gets off the bed.

“At least until I fall asleep?”

“I’d stay forever, if I could,” he tells you softly as he gets in next to you.

You turn over and hold him tight as you lay your head on his chest.

“Thank you,” you tell him softly as you quickly fall back into a state of unconsciousness.

“Anything for you,” he tells you softly, kissing the top of your head as he strokes your back softly. “I would do absolutely anything for you.”

When you wake up, you’re alone and somewhat heartbroken, and that irritates you. You already knew he wasn’t going to stay, and you know you can never be with the man, so why do you keep letting yourself fall for him more and more? Even if Andy was single, he’d still be Jacob’s dad. Jacob would never be okay with it, and you would never ask him to be.

You need to get over him.

“Hey, what’s up with you today, hun?” Sarah asks, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“You’ve been a million miles away since I picked you up,” she laughs. “You’ve barely touched your mimosa.”

“I just have a lot on my mind,” you laugh awkwardly before taking a sip.

“Care to share with the class?”

It sucks that your only other friend is your best friend’s girlfriend.

“You can’t say anything to Jacob,” you all but whisper.

“I won’t say a word.”

“I mean it, Sarah. You have to promise me.”

“I promise, Y/N. What’s wrong?”

“I...uh...I uh, think...I know I have a thing for And- I mean, Mr. Barber,” you quickly correct before downing the rest of your drink.

“Oh no.”

“Listen, I know nothing can ever happen, I’m not dumb, but I just...I don’t know, Sarah. We just bonded the day he helped me move into my place, along with Jacob. It started with just texting every so often, then phone calls at night, and then he started coming over. Nothing has happened, but...what the fuck is wrong with Laurie? How could she cheat on him?!”

“I’m sorry, come again?”

“Fuck, don’t tell Jacob!” you groan as the waiter comes over.

“Are you two ready to put in an order for food?” he kindly asks.

“Uh no, but we will take two more pitchers of mimosas as well as two pitchers of Merlot,” Sarah smiles at the man as you face palm yourself.

“Will do,” the man smiles awkwardly before walking away.

“We have to find me a dress, still.”

“Oh, we’ll find you a damn dress alright. Now what happened?”

“Some time after the trial, Laurie was still having reservations about everything, and she cheated on him. He said that she cried to him about it at 2am a few weeks later, and that’s when things really started going even more downhill. He doesn’t want Jacob to know because he thinks it’ll make everything worse.”

“It definitely will, but Jacob isn’t a child. He has a right to know.”

“Sarah.”

“I know I know, but it’s frustrating.”

“Imagine how I feel,” you smile sarcastically as the drinks are delivered. “So, anyway, I knew that I was starting to become too attached, so I’ve been seeing him less. Now, there’s this fucking party tomorrow and I don’t want to go, because...ugh, when Jacob called and told me yesterday, he said Laurie wasn’t going because they got into an argument. He said Andy threw around the word ‘divorce’ a few times, and I just...what the fuck am I supposed to do? So, I called Andy and asked him what it was about and all he kept saying is that he wanted to see me. He said he’d tell me if I let him come over, so I finally agreed.”

“Well, did he hint at what the argument was about?”

“He never told me. We ordered sushi and watched ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’,” you sigh.

“Fuck.”

“I told him that we have to stop, because it’s wrong, and he said that he knows we can’t do anything, because I’m Jacob’s best friend and he knows that it still bothers me that everyone in this shit hole thinks so little of me. He also said he’d never ask anything of me while he’s still married.”

“Which means, if you had a different best friend...”

“So, that’s been running through my mind all day.”

“Well...shit.”

“What makes it worse is that this is exactly why Laurie didn’t want me around him-”

“Fuck Laurie, I’m sorry but that was bullshit. You didn’t hit on Mr. Matthews, and she fucking knew that. She made you feel like shit because of her own insecurities.”

“Be that as it may, she was afraid of me stealing him and now look.”

“I mean, it’s not like he wants to stay in the relationship. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve gone to that house and have heard them arguing. He usually gets fed up and storms out, and will stay out for hours.”

“I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“But you both want to be together.”

“He’s married, Sarah. Everyone here already thinks I’m man stealing whore, I don’t need to actually prove them right.”

“Fuck this town and the people in it. Mr. Matthews wasn’t even all that great, and you were a kid. They should’ve fucking stood beside you. This town is really good at blaming the wrong fucking people.”

“Speaking of that, there’s Jacob.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“He won’t like it. I’m younger than him!”

“Only by a few months! Listen, he’ll throw his little hissy fit, then he’ll be happy, cause both you and Andy will be happy.”

“You’re surprisingly happy about this.”

“I mean, I can see it. It doesn’t seem too far fetched to me, the more I think about it. You two are more alike than I ever thought.”

“You’re supposed to be telling me to stay away from him.”

“Probably, but it seems like a stupid thing to say. I’m not telling you to sleep with a married man, but it’s not even like he wants to be married anymore. Jacob told me that shes been begging him to go to marriage counseling, and he doesn’t want to. He’s over trying.”

“Even if he does leave her, which I really don’t believe he’ll do, what-”

“Why don’t you believe he will?”

“He’s in denial about it and why wouldn’t he be? They’ve been together for so long.”

“Babe, everyone can see that time is running out on that marriage. Jacob said he seemed pretty adamant about that divorce last night.”

“I’m not holding my breath. I don’t know, I just...I don’t know. What if Jacob thinks I’m the reason Andy is pushing so hard for this divorce?”

“So what if you are? You two haven’t actually done anything, have you?”

“I mean, we cuddled last night and he held me until I fell asleep, only because I asked him to though. He kissed the top of my head a few times.”

“Oh, you two are desperate for each other,” she giggles before taking a giant swig of her drink. “I see where Jacob gets it from.”

“Huh?”

“Before Jacob and I started having sex, he was always afraid that he was moving too fast and that he was gonna scare me off. After everything that happened, he was afraid sex would scare me off,” she scoffed before rolling her eyes. “Anyway, that was his way of showing me that he’s ready when I’m ready. Longing stares, holding me close, kissing the top of my head or my temple, just little ways to show that he’s ready to take the next step but that there’s no pressure.”

“I don’t think that’s what Andy’s doing. We were both just sad. He misses me and I miss him.”

“He told you that?”

“He said he misses watching movies with his best friend. When I told him that Laurie should be his best friend, he said she isn’t anymore.”

“Well, what are you gonna do?”

“The only thing I can do, stay away and mind my business. I won’t be the reason for their divorce.”

“Hate to break it to you, honey, but there’s no avoiding that at this point. Andy Barber has a thing for you, and he’s not getting over you any time soon,” she smirks softly before grabbing her drink

As the day goes on, and you two get drunker, her words roll around in your head.

Does Andy really have a thing for you, or is he just sad and looking for someone to make him feel better? Is it really all that wrong to explore since he’s trying to get out of his marriage anyway? If you ever decided that it was something you wanted to try and explore, would Jacob actually ever get over it, or would he hate you forever?

The more you think about it, the more annoyed you are. Why are you setting yourself up? You can’t ever be with him, so why does it even matter? None of it should matter.

“You have to pick on a dress,” Sarah slurs as you two clumsily make your way around the store.

“Everything feels inappropriate.”

“Well, if you’re not going to reel him in, you can at least reel someone in for the night,” she smirks at you and you let out a loud laugh.

“You’re a terrible influence!”

“I just want you to be happy,” she smirks with a shrug before her eyes land on a dress. “You have to try this on!! You’ll look so good!”

“Sarah! No!I can’t-”

“Why not? Make him fight harder for that divorce.”

“No!”

“You know you like it! Try it on!”

“Sarah-”

“Try it on,” she repeats, giving you the dress.

You begrudgingly take the dress and make your way to one of the fitting rooms, quickly undressing and pulling the dress on. The fact that it fits you like a glove only irritates you more, because you really do love it. However, you don’t want to wear it in front of Andy.

“Well, come on, lets see it!” Sarah calls from the other side of the door.

You scowl as you make your way out. “Don’t say anything-”

“He’s gonna have a hard time keeping his hands off of you,” she snickers as she looks you over “you look amazing.”

“I shouldn’t wear this-”

“The damage is already done, you may as well enjoy it,” she shrugs.

“I forgot how much of a trouble maker drunk you is.”

“I live for the chaos, baby,” she smirks and you burst out laughing.

At some point, Sarah calls Jacob and asks him to pick the both of you up. You know you shouldn’t, but you feel so guilty when he pulls up outside of the store. You haven’t done anything with Andy, so you don’t know why you feel like you’ve betrayed Jacob.

“Why are you so quiet back there?” Jacob smirks as he looks up at you from the rear view mirror.

“Words are hard,” you mumble as you gaze out the window.

“Bullshit, you haven’t been yourself in weeks. What’s going on with you?”

“Leave her alone,” Sarah snaps with a slur.

“Why do you get to know and I don’t?”

“Because I’m a lady and boys have cooties,” she says matter-of-factly, with a s smirk while Jacob laughs.

“Fine fine, what time should we pick you up tomorrow?” Jacob asks as pulls up to your complex.

“You don’t have to-”

“It makes more sense for us all to go together. I promise we won’t stay too long. I think my dad is just looking for a reason to get out of the house, honestly.”

“Does your mom knowing I’m going?”

“I don’t know, probably. They had another one of their famous mind numbing arguments, so who knows. He kinda stormed out last night and didn’t come back till late, and I haven’t seen him yet today. I’ll just tell her when I get home, no big deal,” he shrugs and you feel a pang of guilt.

Another painful reminder that Andy Barber is off limits.

“I’ll text you when I get home from work tomorrow, and we can choose a time then. For now, I need to lay down,” you sigh as you grab the big black garment bag that contains your dress, before opening your door and getting out. “Jacob, thank you for picking us up, and Sarah, thank you for getting me entirely too drunk,” you smirk as they both laugh. “I love you both, please be careful.”

“Yes mom,” Jacobs scowls and you flip him off, before stepping back and he pulls off.

The minute you get into your apartment, you hang the garment bag up on the coat rack, followed by your coat, before toeing off your shoes. You know you shouldn’t but you go into the kitchen and make yourself a drink, just wanting to be numb.

You’re in the middle of searching for the menu to your (and Andy’s) favorite Chinese place, when the your phone starts going off.

“Hmm?” you answer lazily, still looking for the menu.

“What color is the dress you got?” Andy asks and you roll your eyes.

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Andy.”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t start this shit.”

“You can always hangup.”

“We both know I won’t. Plus, I’m drunk and am in no mood to be responsible one right now.”

“It’s 4:30 and you’re drunk?”

“Sarah and I had a talk during brunch that we both needed to be drunk for.”

“What was it about?”

“Don’t you worry about that.”

“Ya know, for a while, you told me everything.”

“Yeah well, you and Jacob can pout about it together, because I didn’t tell him either.”

“Ah, you and Sarah had a talk about you and me.”

“There is no you and me,” you huff, finally finding the menu and ignoring the pain you feel in your heart at what you just said.

“I’m trying to get her to sign the papers-”

“What does that mean to me? It doesn’t change the fact that you’re still Jacob’s dad. We just talked about this last night,” you sniffle as you put your glass down and wipe your eyes.

Fucking alcohol.

“Please don’t cry, sweetheart,” he begs softly. “Listen, if it’s making you this upset, don’t come tomorrow night-”

“That’s not an option because Jacob is really fucking excited. Also, I just got a dress just for this.”

“I’m sorry I’m so selfish.”

“It’s not like I’m not either.”

“There’s not a selfish bone in your body,” Andy sighs and you can tell he’s at war with himself. “Should I tell Jacob to go over?”

“No, because I’m not gonna tell him why I’m crying and he’s already worried about me, because he can tell something’s wrong.”

“Sarah?”

“She’s just as drunk as me. It’ll be like the blind leading the blind.”

“Well who? You know I don’t like leaving you alone when you’re upset. Especially, when you’re crying.”

“You don’t like to leave me alone at all.”

“That’s true,” he chuckles softly and a small smile comes to your face.

You could listen to him chuckle and laugh all day.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Andy.”

“It’s not like I can stop it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to stop it.”

“You have work to do.”

“I’m done.”

“Then go home.”

“Laurie’s home so I’d rather not.”

“Then what are you gonna do?”

“Sit in my office.”

“You can’t do that, Andy.”

“It’s my office, I can do whatever I want,” his says with a little smart-ass tone, and you can tell he’s grinning.

“I don’t like the thought of you sitting all alone in your office.”

“Well, I don’t like the thought of you sitting all alone in your apartment.”

“What are you gonna do for food?”

“Order Chinese food and have it delivered here.”

“Just come over,” you mumble in defeat.

“You just said-”

“We’re both about to order Chinese food, and I’m more than sure we’re about to get it from the same damn place. Just...just come over.”

“Sweetheart-”

“This is...it’s the last time. After this, we can’t do any of this anymore. We’re just making the wound worse, and it’s not fair to either of us. So, I’ll put in the order-”

“I can put in the order and pick it up.”

“I already have the menu out and I know what we both want. Just get over here.”

“Yes ma’am,” he laughs softly.

You quickly call the Chinese place and order 2 containers of dumplings (fried) for you both to split, a sushi platter that consisted of a dragon roll, Alaska roll, a tempura roll, and a kani roll, an order of the house special lo mein for Andy, an order of Singapore mei fun for yourself, and an order of two egg rolls for the both of you.

If it’s going to be the last hangout, you may as well make the most of it.

Finally, you go into your room and change out of your clothes, pulling on a pair of Boston University sweatpants and a ‘Rolling Stones’ t-shirt, before putting your hair up in a messy bun. After pulling on your fuzzy socks, you make your way into the kitchen and grab a glass, putting in only one ice cube before pouring some bourbon in it.

As if perfectly timed, there’s a soft knock on your door, and a small smile comes to your face.

“You didn’t waste any time, did you?” you giggle as you open the door and step aside, holding out the glass you made for him.

“Wanna get in as much time as I can since this is the last time,” Andy sighs as he takes the glass out of your hand and makes his way inside.

“You know I’m right, Andy.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Lets just enjoy the night, okay?” you scowl as you make your way into the living room and grabbing your drink.

“Why are you still drinking?”

“Because it’s been a long fucking day, Andrew.”

“Well, when you say my name like that,” he smirks as he makes his way over to you, and wraps his arms around you. “How’d you sleep?”

“Shitty. You?”

“Shitty.”

“Sofa again?”

“Of course you know about that.”

“Jacob tells me everything, you know that.”

“So why-”

“So why won’t she sign the papers?”

“Ask her.”

“I’m asking you.”

“Honey, I don’t know. I don’t have a single fucking clue,” he glowers as someone knocks on the door and announces ‘delivery’.

Before you even have a chance to move, Andy’s pulling out his wallet and making his way over to your apartment door. He pays the person, takes the food into the kitchen and grabs a couple of plates for you both, before finally bringing everything into your little living area.

“You didn’t have to pay.”

“You ordered it, the least I can do is pay for it. However,” he laughs as he takes a seat next to you “I wasn’t aware that you were gonna order the entire menu.”

“Only of all our favorite things. Figured we’d make the most of the night.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Both can be true,” you tease before sticking out your tongue, and he laughs softly.

You’re both about to start opening up the food when there’s a knock on your door. Both you and Andy look at each other with a raised eyebrow before you answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s uh...it’s Mrs. Barber,” she responds softly.

Andy is up before you can look in his direction, grabbing all of the food, plates, his drink, and placing them all in your bedroom, before coming back out and grabbing his coat off of the coat rack and disappearing into your bedroom.

The man is efficient.

You try to calm your nerves as you slowly make your over to the door, suddenly feeling a bit more sober than you were before. “Hey,” you smile as you slowly open the door, realizing that she’s never seen your place...and that you’ve never been alone with her.

“I just realized I’m the only Barber who hasn’t seen this place,” she smiles awkwardly as she makes her way inside.

“That’s right, Mr. Barber helped us move everything in,”

“I know you were out with Sarah-”

“How is she?”

“She’s fine, sleeping it off in Jacob’s room,” she chuckles before anxiously rubbing the back of her neck. “You’re always so thoughtful and that makes me...”

“Mrs. Barber-”

“You can call me Laurie. You should. I honestly shouldn’t even be here, but I do want to tell you that the place looks great,” she mutters awkwardly as she looks around.

“Well, thank you, but-”

“Before I say anything else, I want to apologize. I know you heard what I said few years ago and you didn’t deserve that. It’s not that I have an issue with you, you’ve been nothing but great to Jacob. You don’t know how happy it makes me that both Sarah and him have you in your life, but...”

“You don’t like me around Mr. Barber.”

“I know you’ve done nothing to warrant it, but I know how you are-and there’s nothing wrong with that !” she quickly defends when you quietly scoff. “You’re young and gorgeous, and you should have fun while you’re young, before you start the next chapter of your life. Hell, sometimes I’m jealous because I never got to explore that part of myself. I fell in love and became a mother young, and that’s...I’m paying the price for it now,” she smiles weakly. “The thing is, Jacob and his father are more alike that people tend to realize-”

“Jacob’s never had a thing for me.”

“I hear the conversations you two have, the debates, your taste in music and movies, hell, you two have the same favorite Chinese place,” she laughs incredulously. “No, you’re not Jacob’s type, but you’re definitely Andy’s. I know Jacob tells you everything, so I know that you know that things are a bit rocky right now. I have no one to blame but myself, but I’m trying to fix everything and I can’t...I can’t do that with you in the picture.”

“So, do you just want me to stay away all together?” you sniffle, doing your best to hold back your tears.

“I’m fine...I’m fine with you being friends with Jacob. He needs you in his life and we need you in his life. I just...I know you’re going to the party tomorrow and that’s fine. Jacob’s excited and you bought the dress today...it’s fine. However, after this-”

“Stay away from Mr. Barber,” you nod with a soft smile.

“I know-”

“I’ve never done anything to you, Laurie. Even after you said what you said, I didn’t yell, I didn’t tell Jacob, and I didn’t make you feel like shit. I kept it to myself.”

“Y/N-”

“I just want you to keep that in mind the next time you decide to think little of me. I will steer clear of you and your husband, you don’t need to worry about me,” you smile softly.

Laurie says nothing. She just stands there and nods before slowly making her way out. The second the door closes, your bedroom door opens.

“She had no fucking right!” Andy all but yells as he storms out.

“Andy stop, she can probably still here you.”

“Good-”

“There’s no sense in making it worse,” you sob, finally letting your tears fall.

“Oh honey,” he sighs, making his way over to and wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. “You’ve done nothing-”

“No matter what I do, she’s always just going to think of me as some home wrecking whore. It doesn’t matter that I never did anything wrong. It’s never going to matter.”

“Stop it. You are a fucking saint, Y/N. You haven’t done a thing wrong, and you’re probably the most selfless person I know. Let’s just...let’s enjoy our dinner, okay?”

“Andy-”

“You have no reason to feel bad, you’ve done nothing wrong. Between the two of us, I’m the guilty one. Lets just enjoy dinner, okay?”

“Okay.”

Andy does his best to cheer you up as he brings the food back out, and puts on a movie you love, but even he can tell that you’re a million miles away.

“Y/N-”

“She’s always going to think less of me,” you sniffle as you throw your container of food down. “What’s the point of me trying to do the right thing, if this is how it’s always going to be? What’s the fucking point?”

“Honey, I know it’s easier said than done, but just ignore Laurie. You’ve seen enough and you know enough, to know that no one can do right by her. Especially because she’s incapable of holding herself accountable for anything.”

“If she’s just going to act like this, I don’t see why we don’t...” you trail off.

“Why we don’t what?”

“Nothing, just forget I said anything.”

“Y/N-”

“Andy, please don’t,” you smile weakly.

Andy’s only response is letting out a deep sigh before pulling you close and holding you tight. You settle up against him and take in his scent and his warmth, knowing you’ll never have a moment like this with him again. As he gently kisses the top of your head, you find yourself drifting off to sleep and wondering what it would be like to have all of affection.

You wonder what it would be like to have all of his heart.

When your alarm wakes you up the next day, you’re in bed alone and under the covers. You feel anger towards yourself as your eyes start to water, for not staying awake longer. The last night you got to spend with him and you fell asleep almost immediately after dinner. You wanted nothing more than to just stay in his embrace and hear his voice as much as possible. You were robbed of full night with your most favorite person, and you have no one to blame for it but yourself.

You try and get yourself out of your funk as you get ready for work, but you just feel empty and lonely. What you’re doing is for the best, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. By the time you arrive at work, you’ve cried and have had to reapply makeup twice.

You can’t wait to get to the part where this doesn’t feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

“Oh, that’s not a face that looks ready for the holidays,” your boss smirks as he makes his way over to your desk, and you fight the urge to roll your eyes.

“How may I help you, Mr. Hathaway?” you smile the best you can as he leans against your desk.

“I’ve told you at least a hundred times, call me Thomas.”

“And I’ve told you that I’m not comfortable doing that. It’s unprofessional.”

“Maybe I want us to be unprofessional,” he smirks suggestively.

You take a deep breath before putting your pen down and look up to meet his sultry gaze, “how may I help you, Mr. Hathaway?”

“Go out with me tonight.”

“No thank you.”

“Why not?”

“Besides the fact that you’re my boss and it would be unprofessional, and that I don’t want to, I have plans tonight.”

“Oh? And what are you up to?”

“A party.”

“A party that you can’t bring a friend to?”

“It’s not that type of party, plus it’s not my party.”

“Well, make sure to let your friend know I’m offended.”

“I will make sure to let the DA know you’re offended,” you scoff without thinking.

“Oh?”

“I’m best friends with his son and Jacob invited me. No more and no less. District Attorney Barber is happily married.”

“I guess I’ll just have to try again another time,” he shrugs with a mournful sigh. “I’m not a man who gives up easily,” he winks before getting up and walking away.

It takes all of your energy not to let out a frustrated sigh and slam your hand down on your desk, but you remember how much you make and that you have bills. You grab your phone and instantly start to text Andy, before remembering that you have to stop going to him about everything. You want to tell Jacob, but you know he’ll just rip his head off. Telling Sarah is basically the same the thing as telling Jacob, so you just throw your phone back into your drawer and let out frustrated sigh and fight back tears.

It hasn’t even been a full day, and you miss the fuck out of Andrew Steven Barber.

Andy’s P.O.V

“Andy, did you hear me?” Lynn asks as she shakes me out of my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I’m here. What’s going on?”

“Tonight, for the award-”

“Oh yeah, no, that’s completely taken care of. Jacob is going to present it since Laurie isn’t coming.”

“Is everything okay there?”

“Not really, no, but you’ve known that for a while,” I smile weakly as I take off my glasses and look up at her.

“Andy, if this is anything I did-”

“Laurie was Laurie long before anything happened with Jacob. The cracks were always there, we both just decided to pretend they weren’t. We were never supposed to end up together.”

“Andy-”

“It’s fine, Lynn. Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“Andy, its not that work hasn’t been amazing as always, but you just seem far away. You’ve been going non-stop for a few years now, and it’s understandable if you want a break-”

“I’m fine, Lynn. I’m just tired of fighting her on this divorce. I’m tired of a lot of things. Work keeps me going and that’s what I need right now.”

“Andy-”

“Jacob is graduating soon and he’s gonna propose to Sarah this upcoming Summer. Probably his birthday, cause their anniversary isn’t until Fall. I need something to keep me going, Lynn.”

“Just...just let me know if you need time, okay?”

“Will do,” I tell her reassuringly as she gives me a small smile.

As she walks out, I can’t help but think of you. All I want is you. Every time I have to leave you, it’s the hardest thing in the fucking world. Now, I don’t even get to leave you, and for what? What’s the reason for two adults not being together? One way or another, I’m leaving Laurie, so that just leaves Jacob. I’m putting my happiness on hold for my son, who is moving out and getting married soon anyway?

I owe him that though. I owe him and I owe you.

You’ve been through so much already and you don’t need anymore shit messing up your life. You don’t need me messing up your life. This town is so fucking stupid for not even trying to understand what a beautiful soul you are. You’re courageous, funny, charismatic, caring, generous, thoughtful, and...

And what am I doing?

I can’t fall for you. We can never happen, so I need to get over whatever the hell is going on in my head. This isn’t serious, I’m just upset. I’m hurt and you’re a more than welcomed distraction.

Except you aren’t.

You are so much more than that. When I’m around you, I feel like I can finally breathe again. Your smile lights up my heart and when you laugh, I swear it’s a melody God composed just for me. Holding you has now become an all consuming addiction for me and I don’t known how the hell I’m supposed to survive without it now.

How the hell I’m supposed to survive without you.

Everything about you is everything that I love. It’s insane ton me that no one sees all the love you have inside, and all the kindness you hold in your heart, and it infuriates me that people let you down at every turn. I don’t want to be another selfish asshole to let you down though, so if you saying that we need to stop seeing each is for the best....

I run a frustrated hand through my hair and let out an exasperated sigh, as I take out my phone and look for the one video that always makes me smile when I’m fed up and overwhelmed.

“Andy! I know how to drive!” you laughed as you slowly turn the corner.

“There’s no one on the road and you’re driving at the speed of ‘no’.”

“Your car is nice! I don’t wanna damage it!”

“You’re not gonna damage my car at 2am! If you were this nervous about it, why did you offer to drive it?”

“Cause it’s a really nice car and I really wanted to drive it,” you told me innocently as I burst out laughing. “Besides, you’re the one who wanted to go out at 2 in the morning for ice cream!”

“I had a hankering,” I shrugged as you started laughing again.

“And you couldn’t bother Jacob because....?”

“He’s a terrible conversationalist this late, especially when you first wake him up.”

“That’s a painfully good point,” you giggled as you came to a complete stop.

“The ice cream is right there! Why are you stopping?!”

“Cause there’s a fucking stop sign! It’s the law! You of all people should know that!”

“I’m not a fucking cop!”

“You’re just as good as one!”

“You’re insane, did you know that?”

“Why are you recording me anyway?”

“So, that the next time you tell me you’re a perfectly capable driver, I can pull up the this video and show you that you are not,” I snickered.

You deadpan and turned towards me, before flipping me off, and there was no way to stop the full bodied laugh that left my body.

“I am a capable driver! We got here in one piece, didn’t we?” you laughed as you finally pulled into the parking lot.

“Sweetheart, we left your place at 2 and we’re just getting here at 2:20.”

“So?”

“It’s a 10 minute drive!”

“It’s a 24 hour ice cream shop!”

“Thank God, or else I’d be fucked.”

“Oh fuck off,” you laughed as turned the car off.

That was the best night I’d had in a while and it made me realize a lot of things. Things that felt guilty for...things I still feel guilty for. I had more of a connection with my best friend’s son than I ever had with my own wife, and I had only known you for...2 months? How fucking pathetic is that?

We sat on the hood of my car that night, eating ice cream and talking until the sun came up. We were both so open and vulnerable with each other and that’s when I started that things were different. I wanted to change so many things after that night, but it was out of my control. All of this has felt out of my control and I can’t change that, can I?

I can’t stop myself from loving you, believe me, I fucking tried.

Before we left, you took a selfie of us as the sun was coming up, and it’s my favorite photo ever. Your smile is so big and genuine and I’d never felt so content in my life.

Ugh, what the fuck am I doing? I can’t do this to you. I can’t put you through more hell. That’s not love, but holy fuck do I wish you feel my love for you. Feel it and know just how great and deep it is.

As I look at the photo of us, I know what I have to do tonight. No, I don’t like it one bit and it’ll hurt like a mother fucker, but what else can i do? Staying away is in your best interest, and I’ll do anything to keep you happy. Happy and safe.

How else am I supposed to show you just how much I love you?

Y/N’s P.O.V

“I’m sure you look amazing!” Sarah sighs from your phone as you finish up a few last minute touches on your hair.

“I should have gotten a different dress,” you mutter as you look yourself over in the mirror. “My shoes are all wrong.”

“Stop it, no they aren’t. If it makes you feel any better, Mr. Barber seems to be just as anxious as you are.”

“He’s getting an award tonight.”

“Yeah okay, we’ll blame it on that. That makes sense,” she scoffs. “Listen, we’re gonna be leaving soon, so just clam down. I’m sure you look beautiful and we’re all gonna have a great time tonight. Just take a deep breath and we’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Sounds good,” you sigh before hanging up.

You know that everything is fine, but the thought of seeing Andy after everything that happened last night, it’s just too much. You know you can always say that you just don’t want to go, but you also can’t. Not when it’s this close and not when you’re so desperate to see Andy. Even if you can’t hold him, you can still hear his voice, and that’s better than nothing.You start pacing around in your apartment, trying to relax and telling yourself it’ll be okay. For fucks sake, you’re going to be in public with the man. If neither of you would act on anything private, there’s no way anything is gonna happen in public.

But still. The thought alone of just seeing Andy makes your whole body hot, and feel insanely alive all at once. Plus, you know Andy is going to look amazing, because he always does. How you’re supposed to be out with all of them tonight and not think some of the thoughts that you’ve been thinking lately is beyond you.

There’s also the fact that it’s just Andy. Andrew Steven Barber. In such a fast amount of time, he’s become the center of your world. You want to keep him safe, happy, laughing, and...

Well, you want him to feel loved.

Whether it’s late night drives, late night phone calls, movie nights, listening to him vent, holding him while you two sit in silence, or just indulging in his favorite movies when he’s frustrated...you want him to know that he’s so insanely loved.

That he’s insanely loved by you.

You can’t love him though. You’re not supposed to. He has been off limits since the day you met, even before then. Maybe it would be different if you two would have met when you were younger, but Laurie made sure that didn’t happen. No, when you finally met Andy, you were both adults and all of the rules that should’ve been in place went out the damn window.

Now, you’re just a woman with a broken heart, in love with a man that can never be yours.

Your phone buzzing pulls you out of your thoughts, and you take a deep breath before looking at it.

The Dark Lord: We’re here!

You look yourself over in the mirror one more time, making sure your grandmother’s blue, rhinestone encrusted butterfly pins are set perfectly, before grabbing your coat and purse, and slowly make your way out.

“Your hair looks amazing!” Sarah beams as you get in the backseat of Andy’s Audi.

“It’s alright.”

“No, it looks so good! I love it so much!”

“It really does look great,” Jacob smiles as he turns to look at you from the front seat.

“And you all haven’t even seen my outfit,” you laugh nervously as you close the door behind you. “Thanks for the ride, Mr. Barber.”

“Thanks for coming,” he smiles as your from rear view mirror, “your hair really does look nice.”

“Thanks, yours doesn’t look so bad yourself,” you smile softly as you put on your seat belt. “Excited for your award tonight?”

“I have a feeling that it’s out of pity, so no,” he scoffs as he pulls off.

“Dad, you’ve worked hard your entire career,” Jacob encourages “you deserve this.”

“It would be a lot easier to believe if-”

“Mr. Barber,” you interrupt softly “you’ve dedicated your life to your career. I don’t know what the award is for, but I know you deserve it. The work you do always finds a way to show its reflection of yourself in life.”

“That’s funny,” Jacob chuckles “my dad always says that.”

Sarah gently squeezes your hand and gives you a sad but reassuring look.

You’re in for a long night.

“You haven’t danced all night!” Sarah whines as another song she loves comes on.

“Go dance with your boyfriend,” you snort as you take another sip of your whiskey neat.

“Are you going to be a sour puss the entire night?”

“Sarah, since I’ve taken my coat off, I have been hit on nonstop. The last thing I want is to go out on the floor and make it worse for myself. I should’ve gotten another dress,” you sigh, contemplating finishing off your drink completely.

“Okay, what happened?” she asks sincerely, taking a seat next to you “you weren’t completely defeated last night and now-”

“Laurie came over last night, while Andy was hiding in my bedroom-nothing happened,” you quickly explain once you see the look on Sarah’s face. “We were about to have dinner when Laurie came by, and Andy ran into my room to hide. Anyway, she came over and said...she said some things,” you scowl before downing the rest of drink, quickly standing up and grabbing another drink for both you and Sarah, as a waiter with full tray walks by.

“What things?” Sarah all but growls as she takes the drink from you.

“She has asked that I stay far away from Mr. Barber. I can continue to be friends with Jacob, and it’s fine that I came here tonight, but after all is said and done I need to stay away. I’m a threat to her marriage, even though I haven’t done anything, and that in order to keep her marriage to keep her marriage afloat, I can’t come around because I’m Andy’s type.”

When Sarah says nothing, you look up and see her trying her best to hold on to her resolve and you scoff.

“Yeah, that’s how I feel too.”

“She’s the one who cheated! She’s the one who said those nasty things about you!” Sarah whispers harshly.

“Which I reminded her of by telling her that I never made her feel as small as shes always made me feel, I never told Jacob and started drama, and I never made a scene.”

“What did Andy do?”

“He wanted to go after her and yell at her, but I stopped him.”

“Why-”

“It only would’ve made it worse. She doesn’t know we’ve been hanging out in secret, and she’d start a shit show. She wouldn’t care about the impact that it would have on Andy or Jacob-”

“Or you.”

“I don’t matter in all of this,” you smile sorrowfully at her.

“Babe, yes you do-”

“Jacob has been through enough and so has Andy. Why the hell should they have to endure more hell over me? Because I’m in love?”

“Because you deserve to be happy!”

“Sometimes we just don’t get what we want, and that’s fine. At some point, I’ll get over it and things will be alright.”

“He shouldn’t be with her!”

“That doesn’t mean he should be with me, Sarah,” you sigh as you fight back your tears. “I can’t force him to leave her, I’m not going to beg him to leave her, and I’m damn sure not about to make anyone’s life harder. I know Andy is pushing for a divorce, and I hope he gets it, but him being with me will never be okay. Age difference aside, she’s going to turn this whole town against him, and hes worked too hard. Hes done too much, and Jacob? You and Jacob?”

“We can all just move!”

“Sarah-”

“Why can’t you both be happy? Why does she have to win? Yeah, Mr. Barber and Jacob deserve to be happy, but so do you! He wants to be happy with you! He loves-”

“Don’t,” you warn as a single tear falls from your eyes. “Just don’t.”

“This isn’t right and you know it.”

“Why can’t you just-”

“Because you’re my best friend too! You have been through so much and you’ve handled it so much better than anyone deserves. If it were me, I would’ve gone off on everyone a million times over. Both you deserve a win! You deserve a win,” she sniffles softly as she wipes her eyes.

“Sarah-”

“Hey, what’s going...babe, what’s wrong?” Jacob asks, instantly seeing the distressed look on Sarah’s face and tears in her eyes.

“Nothing, I just need to go for a walk,” she sobs before getting up and quickly making her way out.

Jacob looks to you and you just shake your head “go after to her and clam her down.”

“What-”

“Just go, Jacob.”

“Fucks sake,” he sighs before following after her.

“What the fuck was that about?” Andy whispers as he takes a seat next to you.

“Just spreading holiday cheer,” you smile sarcastically as you raise your glass and take a sip. “Seems like everyone is a fan of you tonight.”

“Honey, please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that when you already know what’s wrong.”

“Listen, just because-”

“Andy!” a tall man greets, pulling both of you out of conversation.

You look him over and instantly recognize who he is.

“Neal,” Andy greets with a warm smile.

“Just wanted to congratulate you on tonight, you’ve more than earned it.”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry, don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t think we’ve met,” Neal smiles at you, and you glare straight through him.

Fuck Neal Loguidice.

“Neal, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is Neal Loguidice,” Andy smiles awkwardly, noticing that your glare isn’t going anywhere.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Neal smiles at you as he looks you over, extending his hand, which you just stare at.

It’s Andy’s job to place nice with his coworkers, not yours. Neil fucked over both you guys so, as far as you’re concerned, he can go fuck himself.

“Well,” Neal starts awkwardly as he clears his throat, “I guess I’ll see you around, Andy.

He’s quick to smile with a small nod before almost rushing off.

“Well, I guess that’s that.”

“Fuck Neal,” you mutter before taking a sip of your drink.

“Sweetheart, lets take a trip to my office.”

“Lets not and say we did.”

“We need to talk.”

“This isn’t the time or the place.”

“Please, let’s just go to my office,” Andy pleads desperately.

You can hear the pain in his voice and it only makes all of it so much harder, “let’s go,” you mumble, standing up and grabbing your drink.

The walk to his office is tense, quiet, and fairly quick. You try to keep a good distance from him, but you also long to be near him. By the way he’s holding out his hand, (like he wants you to take it) he feels the same.

“Somehow it’s exactly how I thought it’d be, and at the same time, it’s not,” you comment with a soft smile as you take a seat in front of his desk.

“You’ve thought about my office?” Andy chuckles as he closes his door.

“You’ve called me from here enough, it’s hard not to wonder what the place you love so much looks like.”

“You know the place I love is any place you are,” he sighs heavily, taking a seat at his desk and opening the bottom drawer, “you look miserable.” He takes out a glass and a bottle of bourbon, “I feel like I’ve done nothing but make your life miserable, and that makes me feel like shit, cause you’ve done nothing but make mine better. In so many ways.”

“It’s nothing you’ve done and you know that.”

“Me not being in your life would make it better though, wouldn’t it?”

Your silence just causes him to shake his head as he pours himself a drink.

“Y/N-”

“What do you want me to say? Obviously, there are parts that would be easier if we weren’t as close as we are, but since you’ve been in my life, I’ve been happy. So fucking happy. I look forward to our late night calls and texts, I’m so happy when you randomly stop by and we go on drives, I can listen to you talk about anything forever, I just...you’re married and I’m the town whore,” you scoff.

“Stop that, you didn’t do anything-”

“It doesn’t matter, Andy. You heard Laurie last night! She believes I didn’t do anything, and she still wants me to stay the hell away from you!”

“Yeah well, Laurie’s a bitch,” he mutters before sipping on his bourbon, placing it back down.

“Andy-”

“What? It’s just you and me right now, there’s no need to lie. We don’t lie to each other and we’re not about to start now.”

“Andy-”

“Fuck her! Fuck her and this whole fucking town! You haven’t done anything to deserve this! I’m so sick-”

“Baby, there’s Jacob,” you interrupt softly, reaching your hand across his desk to hold his free hand.

“There’s Jacob,” he sighs heavily, grabbing his drink again with his other hand and taking a long sip from it. “You look so beautiful tonight. Absolutely gorgeous,” he smiles at you, his eyes watering a little.

“Please don’t-”

“I’m going to stay away. Even after all is said and done with Laurie, I’m going to stay away, because I refuse to be another person in your life to let you down. I love you too much for that and you deserve better. You deserve so much better from everyone, and I want to be someone who does that for you.”

“Andy, you know it’s not what I want-”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I know it’s not what either of us wants, but you’ll never do anything and I’ll never ask you to. Enough has happened and this is for the best. It’s the right thing to do...you feel it’s the right thing to do, and I’ll abide by that.”

“Andy, I...wait a minute, what do you mean you love me?”

“What do you mean what do I mean? I love you. Of course I love you, how could I not?”

“Wait, you can’t-”

“You don’t get to tell me what I do and don’t feel, sweetheart. You are funny, kind, charismatic, tough, sexy, energetic, witty, smart as hell...I could go on forever,” he chuckles humorlessly as he grabs his glass and takes another sip. “I love you just as much as you love me.”

“You don’t know that I love you-”

“You’re not as slick as you think you are, sweetheart.”

“I don’t want to-”

“I don’t want to love you either, but it’s starting to feel like we didn’t have much of a choice. All I want is for you to tell me the truth. In this room, in this moment, tell me the truth,” he begs softly.

You give his hand another gentle squeeze and a weak smile as tears start to fall from your eyes, “I love you, too.”

“I’ll stay away from you. I’ll stay away and keep you safe.”

“Andy-”

“It’s the least I can do. Like I told you before, you’re the least selfish person I know. It’s time you get something back.”

“I don’t want this, Andy.”

“Neither do I, sweetheart. However, you think this will be best, so I’m abiding by your rules.”

“If you don’t want this, why are you-”

“Because you do, and I love you. When you love someone, you don’t force your ideas and wants on them, you listen to them and do you your best to make them happy.”

“Andy-”

“I love you, Y/N. It’s as simple as that. If this makes your life easier, I’ll do it. Anything that makes you breathe a little easier, I’ll do it.”

For the next 10 minutes, neither of you say anything to each other. You just sit there in silence, sobbing softly while you both drink, holding hands. It’s the closest to heaven you’re going to get, so you just want to live in it as long as possible.

However, you both know you need to get back and that Jacob’s patience is wearing thin, so you’re the first to get up and head back. When you get back to the table, both Jacob and Sarah look irritated.

Great.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?” Jacob asks softly, standing up once you reach the table.

“I’d really rather not.”

“Y/N.”

“Why?”

“Just come on,” he scowls, taking a hold of your wrist and practically dragging you out of the room.

“What the fuck?!” you yell the second you two are outside.

“What is going on with you?”

“Jacob-”

“No, you protect me from everything and everyone all the time, but this is the first time that you’re not letting me do it for you. Sarah won’t tell me a damn thing, you’ve been distant and moody, getting you to hangout is like pulling teeth, and I’m fucking worried about you!” he shouts, almost out of breath.

The sight of him has your eyes welling up all over again. His eyes show nothing but pure and genuine concern, his shoulders are tense, and he looks like he’s at his wits end.

This is why you can never be with Andy.

“I’m fine, Jake,” you sob.

“Hey, it’s me. You can always talk to me. What happened? Did someone hurt you? Is it your boss? Did I do something? Y/N, please just talk to me.”

“I’m just never...I’m just unhappy with my life right now. I’m so fucking unhappy and I feel like that’s just how it’s always going to be,” you cry, finally letting go.

“Hey no, that’s not true at all! Stop it,” Jacob coos softly as he wraps you in a tight hug. “This isn’t like you at all, Y/N. What happened?”

All you can do is continue to sob, so Jacob walks you both over to a nearby bench and sits you both down. You continue to cry into Jacob’s shoulder, and he gently strokes your back. You can’t help but feel like a complete idiot.

Why did you set yourself up? You’ve always known that Andy is off limits, so why did you ever start making yourself available to him? Why did you ever let yourself get excited at the thought of spending time with him? Him opening up made you feel so fucking special and for what? Him memorizing all of the things you love and make you happy; it shouldn’t have mattered at all.

But it did.

Andy Barber was the first man you’d ever met that made you feel like you were more than just an object; more than just a thing to fulfill men’s fantasies. He took the time to know you, he took the time to learn all of the things you love and make you smile. He was always there for you (no matter how big or large the problem was), he was always able to make you laugh, he was always able to pull you back when you’d go too far off the deep end. He always listened to you without judgment...from the day you two met, Andy had been everything you dreamed of and more.

Even Jacob, with all of his well-intentions, he still looked at you with bedroom eyes from time to time. Hell, he still does every once in a while. Maybe it’s because Andy’s older and more experienced, but he has never made you feel like you’re good for only one thing. From day one, Andy has always made you feel like a person instead of an object. He made you feel like everything about you mattered, not just the parts that could get men off.

“Tell me what’s going on, Y/N,” Jacob coos as your tears finally start to slow.

“My fucking parents,” you lie, trying to calm down and figure out the most believable thing to tell him. “The fucking holidays...they know Christmas is my favorite fucking holiday and they’re bickering about who I should spend it with. When in reality, I don’t want to spend it with either of them.”

“Just spend it my family. My mom loves you, you and my dad are best friends whenever you two are around one another, you and Sarah are best friends-”

“No, it’s not...it’s not just that. I fucking hate this stupid town. I just...I’m just worn out, Jake. I’m exhausted and just need a fucking break. I wish I could just start over and be someone else.”

“The world would be a much shittier place if you weren’t you. Why didn’t you just come and talk to me?”

“You have so much going on already-”

“Listen, you are the best friend I could ever have. You make all of the time in the world for me, of course I’d do the same for you. I just realized that I’m an asshole who dragged you out here without a coat. Lets get back inside,” he smiles and chuckle, wiping your eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Just know that there isn’t anything you can’t tell me. I’m always here for you, no matter what,” he promises sincerely.

Well, if you didn’t feel like shit before, you sure as fuck do now.

You two head back inside and when you get back to the table, it’s obvious to you that Sarah and Andy had a talk. Andy looks defeated and Sarah looks even more heartbroken than she did before.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Jacob laughs as he takes a seat.

“I think I’m going burn these shoes,” Sarah laughs.

“I told you you’d end up hating them!”

“But they were so cute!” she laughs as he dips down to kiss her. “Next time just carry me out of the store.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he smirks “dad, what’s up with you?”

“Just wish tonight could’ve gone differently.”

“Don’t let mom being mom ruin this for you. It was a great night and I’m sure she’ll regret it. Just focus on everyone here who actually supports you.”

“You’re right,” Andy smiles weakly. “Lets say we get out of here, huh?”

“Yeah, I don’t think my feet can tolerate much more of this,” Sarah laughs as she stands up.

“Dad, it really was a great night,” he tells him reassuringly before taking his suit jacket off the back of his chair.

If only Jacob knew how shitty the night really went.

The days leading up to Christmas are the loneliest days you’ve ever experienced. Some days, you’re able to talk yourself out of a breakdown, and other days they’re unavoidable. Since you can’t talk to or see Andy, you settle for the next best thing: watching old video and reading through old text messages. It’s the only thing you can think of to dull the pain without actually seeing him. Every day you hope he’ll cave, but you know he won’t because that’s not who he is.

That’s not the man you fell in love with.

It doesn’t help that Jacob keeps begging you to come over for Christmas. You know he means well, and that it’s part your fault because you lied to him at the party, but the thought of seeing him with her fills you with so much anger. It’s all bullshit, because he isn’t happy at all. Having to sit there and watching them fake it for hours will only drive you insane. Plus, you know she’ll make a show of it because you’ll be there, and that’ll only anger Andy and make him uncomfortable, and you could never do that to him.

Sarah’s been giving you small updates from time to time, and she says he’s barely home. When he is, he’s a recluse, the arguments have gotten louder, and he’s easily irritated. Part of you wishes she wouldn’t tell you anything, because all it does is make things harder, but at the same time you’re happy to get them. You want updates on him because you need to know how he is. The fact that he’s so unhappy and frustrated makes you even more upset. You just want to hold him and make everything better, but you can’t. You want to take a late night drive with him and tell him it’ll get better, but you can’t. You want to take care of him the way hes always taken care of you, but you can’t.

You just want your Andy to be okay.

Eventually you got Jacob off your back about Christmas by lying and saying you decided to spend it with your mother, because you’re worried about her, which is why you’re now laid out on your sofa (in just the extra large AC/DC crew neck he got you on a whim), watching ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ while eating a pint of strawberry cheesecake ice cream. You can’t have your ideal Christmas, so you may as well settle for second best.

You roll your eyes when you hear your cell phone going off and choose to ignoring (hoping that Jacob, your mother, or father) would take the hint and go away. However, when it goes off for a second time, you scowl before answering it.

“Hello?” you answer harshly, hoping whoever is on the other line will take the hint and go away.

“Well, Merry Christmas to you too,” a familiar deep voice responds with a soft chuckles.

“Andy?”

“Hey sweetheart.”

“What...you can’t-”

“I told everyone I needed to go for a drive, it’s fine.”

“We’re not supposed to-”

“Come to the window,” he demands softly.

Almost instantly, you’re on your feet and looking out of the full window in your small living area, “you get to see me but I don’t get to see you? That’s not fair.”

“Let me rectify that,” he laughs before letting his window down and smiling up at you, “better?”

“Much,” you smile with a small wave “why aren’t you home?”

“I am now.”

“Andy.”

“It’s Christmas. I wanted to get as close to being with the one I love as I could.”

“Andy-”

“You have amazing legs, sweetheart. Is that the AC/DC crew neck I got you?”

“It is,” you laugh softly with a small sniffle.

“Are those tattoos I see on your thighs?”

“Yes they are,” you laugh, remembering how much your mom hated them and cried when she first saw them.

“How did I not notice them at the party?”

“The dress covered them.”

“Well, I was robbed.”

“Andy,” you laugh “what are you doing here?”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby.”

“I also dropped off your Christmas present.”

“What?! Andy-”

“Relax,” he laughs softly “it’s not some big to-do. I know you’d hate that.”

“I didn’t get you anything! I wasn’t-”

“Seeing you right now is a gift, even if it’s not exactly the way I want it to go. I’m happy, honey. This is more than enough.”

“Andy...” you trail off, fighting back tears.

“Go to the door and get your present. God, you don’t know how hard it was for me to not knock on that fucking door.”

“How long have you been out there?” you ask as you make your way over to your door, quickly opening and closing the door after you pick up the neatly wrapped gift.

“Longer than I should,” he laughs.

“You didn’t have to do anything for me,” you smile softly as you sit on the window sill.

“Open it!”

“I am! So damn pushy,” you laugh as you pull the wrapping paper off. “Oh...Andy...this is so fucking thoughtful.”

“I did good?”

“I’m putting it in bedroom and the other on my key chain holding my car keys and the key to my apartment,” you sob as you look over the thoughtful gifts.

One of was a medium sized framed picture of the selfie you two took while sitting on the hood of Andy’s car, while the sun rose and you two eat ice cream. The other, was a quote from ‘To Have and To Have Not’ that said “If you want anything, just whistle.”

“I should have gotten you something,” you sniffle as you dry your eyes.

“This is more than enough.”

“I love you, Andy. God, I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too, honey.”

“You should be here.”

“I know I should be,” he sighs heavily “how’s ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ going?”

“Same as it always goes,” you laugh softly.

“I’m gonna go.”

“Please...just a couple more minutes?”

“You don’t know how hard it was for me to not knock on your door and beg you to let me in.”

“Who says you would have had to beg me for anything?”

“Honey.”

“I just...I keep thinking what this day would’ve been like if I spent it with you. Really spent it with you.”

“Yeah? What do you have in mind?”

“We would’ve had breakfast together, watched sappy Christmas movies, exchanged gifts, watched more movies together...”

“And then what?”

“Hands where I can see ‘em, Barber,” you smirk and he chuckles “we would have taken turns showing each other how we appreciate each other.”

“Tell me not to come up there right there right now and show you how much I love you.”

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because it can’t happen, baby.”

“I just want to be with you, honey.”

“I feel the same,” you smile weakly.

“I’m gonna go. Merry Christmas, I love you.”

“I love you, Andy. Merry Christmas.”

As you watch him drive off after he hangs up, you clutch the key chain tighter and wish that you’re selfish enough to tell him to stay. All you want is to fall asleep and wake up him by your side, holding you close and kissing you deeply. It’s not fucking fair that the one person who finally makes you feel alive is the one person you can’t be with.

So, from that day on you’re even more frustrated and irritated. Why can’t she just give him the damn divorce? He clearly doesn’t want to be with her, so what the hell she still trying to hold on to. She knows that Andy will give her whatever she wants, so why she can’t she just let it go? As for Jacob...if he really hates the idea of you then obviously you’d back off, but what it really be so bad to try?

Ugh, you don’t know why you keep thinking about it, because it can’t happen. Even with Laurie gone and Jacob magically accepting it, there’s still the fact that you have a reputation that will never change. You could never do that to him. He’s been through enough, and the last thing you want is to add another obstacle and frustration to his life.

You can’t be with him, so you just need to let it go. You need to let all ideas of Andy Barber go.

“Darling,” your father calls, pulling you out of your thoughts “you didn’t answer my question.”

“I didn’t hear it,” you mumble before taking a sip of your coffee.

“Are you going to be mad at me forever?”

“Can we not do this today? It’s a nice Spring day and I’m just not in the mood.”

“You’re acting like I’m some sort of-”

“First of all, I’m not acting like anything. You’re an asshole and you know what you did was fucked up. I know how you lost all the money in the first place. You gambled it all away, not giving a damn that you had a wife and child at home. You did what you wanted, then picked fights with mom over it. THEN, you somehow managed to beat the odds and win the fucking lottery, and you’re still a dick. You start seeing her,” you snap looking over at his young bride “and start picking the most idiotic fights with mom. Then, to top it all off, you fucking leave like a coward. In the middle of the night so you don’t have to deal with any of the aftermath. As if that wasn’t bad enough, you had my best friend’s dad serve mom the papers! So let’s not sit here and pretend you’re not a complete dick, because you are. Second, you brought her here and didn’t bother to fucking tell me about it, because you knew I wouldn’t fucking show if she came. You’re trying to force me to be okay with her, when you know I’ll never be okay.”

“Y/N-”

“You left!” you snapped, slamming your down on the table. “You left and you left me all alone to clean up the mess that you made! I don’t wanna hear it!”

“Y/N-” his new wife starts.

“If you wanna leave this place without a broken fuckin’ nose, I suggest you shut up,” you warn, glaring at her. “As for you, don’t sit here and act like it’s damn surprise that the sight of you makes me sick!”

“What about you?! It’s not like you’re some saint! Everyone knows that Laurie Barber doesn’t want you around her husband!”

“That’s because she’s a cunt! I haven’t laid a hand on Mr. Barber and I haven’t seen him in months! Don’t try to paint us as one and the same, because we are so much less alike than you’d ever think!”

“Y/N, stop. I had no right and I’m sorry-”

“Jesus, are we done here? Have we put one another through enough?”

“Y/N-”

“Are we done?!”

“Yes,” he sighs sorrowfully, hanging his head in defeat.

“Fucking amazing,” you mutter before throwing your towel down and getting up “feel free to never call me again.”

As you walk out, you can’t help but feel bad. Yes, your father has had it coming for years, but your outburst wasn’t because he’s a piece of shit, it was because you miss Andy. You haven’t seen him since Christmas and it’s driving you insane. Is that all you two have now? Stolen moments on holidays? Stolen moments where you two can’t even touch or hold one another? Why can’t you just let it go? Why can’t you let Andy go?

You’ve studied the photo he gave you for Christmas a million times, hell you even hold while you sleep sometimes. Why? Because it’s all you have. Sometimes, you tell yourself that you’ll just move and start over, but just makes everything hurt more.Yeah, you’re away from him now, but being another state away? Another country? It’s just too much.

You try to get your mood together as you get ready to go over Jacob’s house, but you know he won’t be there and she will be. How you haven’t got into an all out fist fight with Laurie Barber yet is beyond you, but with the way your day is going, you won’t count anything. As you try to put together a decent enough outfit, your phone goes off and you pray it’s someone who won’t want to make you throw yourself out of a window.

“Hello?”

“So, I hear you went to lunch with your father and I’m the big bad witch.”

Prayer denied. “Hi mom.”

“I don’t know why you even bothered to go at all, why you try to have a relationship with him.”

“The same reason we keep up this charade, mom: he won’t leave me alone.”

“Don’t be a bitch.”

“You started it.”

“Why don’t you settle down? Everyone knows you love older men, and older men love to settle down. Laurie Barber is so desperate to keep you away from her husband, why don’t you go after him?”

“It’s 5:30 in the evening, mom. You’re this drunk already?”

“Well, I was bored,” she sighs with a humorless laugh.

“Unfortunately, I don’t have time to entertain you. Talk to you later,” you mutter before hanging up and almost throwing your phone down.

It’s not like you were in a good mood to begin with, but after having to deal with, but there’s no way in fuck you can be in the Barber household right now, especially with Laurie being there. You let out a heavy sigh knowing that the call you’re about to make isn’t going to go well.

“Hey!” Jacob answers enthusiastically and it only makes you feel worse. “Are you on your way?”

“I uh...I’m not coming. You guys have fun without me.”

“Y/N-”

“I don’t need it today, Jake. I had the lunch from hell with my father and then my mother called me, drunk, and decided to tell me that she thinks everyone in town still thinks that I’m a whore.”

“What the...are you serious?!”

“Don’t Jake, just don’t.”

“She can’t talk to you like that!”

“She’s my mother, apparently she can do whatever she wants.”

“I’m gonna-”

“You’re not going to do anything, Jake. Just leave it alone. I’ll handle all of it at some point, I just need to decompress.”

“So you’re gonna find someone to sleep with?”

“Well, I haven’t been fucked in months and I’m having the day from hell, so why not?”

“It seems like you’re always having the day from hell.”

“Jesus, not you too! Can I just catch a fucking break?! We can argue tomorrow?!”

“I miss my best fucking friend! I feel like I haven’t seen you in-”

“Jacob, when you’re in this house, watch your mouth!” you hear Laurie yell and you feel your blood start to boil.

“Jake, I’m sorry I let you down and I love you to death, but I can’t fucking do this right now. I need time away.”

“Fine, whatever. Talk to tomorrow,” he grumbles before hanging up

You can’t catch a fucking break.

You throw your phone down before heading into your bedroom and searching your closet. Maybe getting fucked will help you. No, it obviously won’t be getting fucked by the man you want, but something has to be better than nothing at this point...right?

You pull out one of your sexier dresses, making sure to tie it low, so there’s a good view of your cleavage,you wear your favorite skinny open-toed black heels, and apply your makeup perfectly. It’s not lost on you how good you look, and you’re hoping to be back at your place soon enough, but all of it feels wrong. If you’re not going home with the one you want, why are you going out at all?

The only thing you can come up with is that you need some sort of release before you snap on someone.

By the time your car service pulls up to the bar, you’re regretting going out at all, but you have to try. You can’t make your whole life about Andy, and you have to try and move on. Moving on doesn’t mean finding Mr. Right, it just means not letting yourself get wrapped up in one person that you can never be with. You’re determined to leave with someone.

However, by hour two of your excursion, you’re ready to throw in the towel.

It’s not like you haven’t been hit on by attractive men, but they’re all the wrong men. The more you try and force yourself to be engaged and attracted, the less you feel encouraged to go through your plan. As you sit at the bar, wondering why you can’t just give him up. ‘How Do I Make You Love Me?’ by the Weeknd starts playing.

“Well, this is a welcomed surprise,” a deep familiar voice says as he takes a seat next to you.

“Of all the gin joints in the world,” you smirk before finishing your drink “how may I help you, Mr. Barber? This really isn’t the type of place I ever expected to find you in.”

“Wasn’t my idea,” he smirks as he nods towards the other end of the bar, a few of his friends nodding at the both of you.

“Why aren’t you at...cause I’m supposed to be at your house right now,” you chuckle humorlessly as the bartender brings you another whiskey neat.

“How many of those have you had?”

“Not enough,” you grin “I’m sure Laurie called you to tell you it’s safe to come home.”

“I don’t want to be in that house.”

“And why is that, Mr. Barber?” you slur slightly as you turn to look at him.

“It’s not a home unless you’re there and you know that,” he confesses softly. “Why are you here?”

“I’m trying to get over you.”

“Don’t do that,” he begs quicker than he means to.

‘How do I make you love me? (How do I make you fall for me?)’

“Why not?”

“Because you’re mine and I’m yours. Don’t throw us away so quickly.”

‘How do I make you want me? (And make it last eternally?)’

“Don’t.”

“You’re right, lets get you home.”

“That defeats the purpose.”

“Don’t make me watch you go home with someone else, please.”

“You can leave now.”

“I don’t wanna leave without you.”

‘I only want what’s right in front of me.

It’s quite unusual, seeking approval,

Begging for it desperately’

“We can’t keep doing this to each other,” you tell him softly as you look away from him.

“Let me take you home,” he begs softly.

“What if I said I don’t want you to take me home?”

“I’d call you a big fucking liar,” he smirks before looking at the bartender “she’s done here and would like to settle her tab,” he smiles as he pulls out his wallet.

“Andy-”

“If I hadn’t see you, I would be able to pretend,” he confesses softly as he hands the bartender his card, “but I wouldn’t leave until I saw you leave, and it would fucking kill me.”

“Andy-”

“I love you, Y/N. God, I love you so fucking much, and it drives me insane, because I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want to fall asleep next to you every night, I shouldn’t want to hear your voice every second of every day, I shouldn’t want to hear what my name sounds like when it leaves your lips as I fuck you senseless, I shouldn’t want to shower you with gifts, I shouldn’t want to kiss you all the time, I shouldn’t fucking love you, Y/N. Even if there wasn’t Laurie, even if you weren’t Jacob’s best friend, you’ve been through enough hell and you deserve to be young and finally fucking have fun. You should be hooking up, dating around, and just having fun. We shouldn’t be what we fucking are to each other, but I just...Jesus, I love you. I’ve tried to stop and do the right thing, but I just...you live in my head and my heart. I can’t get you out, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, because I don’t want to be another person in your life asking too much of you,” he finishes, letting out a defeated sigh as the bartender hands him his card. “If I hadn’t been here tonight, I could pretend that you’re at home watching ‘Casablanca’ for the millionth time, but I’m here and I see how you look. Someone else being buried deep inside you, feeling your warmth, getting to know you intimately...I just can’t handle that. Finish your drink and I’ll let the guys know I’m taking you home,” he says softly before walking.

You instantly down your drink, because what else can you do? The man just poured his heart out, telling you that he feels the exact same way you do, so what else are you supposed to do? You’re in public so you can’t cry, you can’t hug him, and you sure as shit can’t kiss him. All you can do is drink your fucking drink and ignore what you’re feeling.

As he makes his way back over to you, he cocks an eyebrow and you just nod. The walk to his car is quite and so is the car ride to your place. You want to say something, but you don’t know what to say. The only thing you can think of is how much you love him, how much you want him, and the fucking lyrics to that song.

‘How do I make you love me? (How do I make you fall for me?)

How do I make you want me? (And make it last eternally?)’

All you want is Andy and you want everything with him forever. It also doesn’t help that his confession about wanting to fuck you senseless won’t stop playing in your brain on surround sound. You know that part of the reason for it is because you’re touch starved, but it’s not like that matters much anyway.

The only touch you’re starving for is Andy’s.

By the time he pulls into the parking garage of your complex, your brain is at war with itself and going a million miles a minute.

“You didn’t have park down here.”

“You’re drunk, I’m not letting you go up there on your own.”

“I can take the elevator, Andy.”

“Good, so I can drop you off and come right back down.”

“Andy-”

“Honey, it’s been a long fucking day. Just let me do this, please?”

“Fine,” you huff, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut.

“Why are you mad at me?”

“Like you said, it’s been a long a fucking day-”

“No, talk to me!” he snaps grabbing your wrist.

“Jesus Andy!” you yell, but as you turn to meet his gaze, you see that his eyes hold nothing but love and pure genuine concern.

Why are you two so fucking gone for one another?

“Andy...just let me go.”

“Talk to me.”

“This can’t ever...you deserve better! You talk about how much I’ve been through, what about you?!”

“What about me?”

“Your dad, losing your mom right before college, everything with Jacob, all of the shit Lauries’ put you through...you think I want you to have to deal with the scrutiny that comes with dating the town whore?”

“You’re not-”

“It doesn’t matter, Andy. They’re all committed to seeing me in that light-”

“But I’m not,”he says firmly, but his tone is still soft as softly grips your shoulders.

“Andy, I love you. It honestly hurts, because you were never...this was never supposed to happen. You’re a dream that’s never supposed to come true.”

“Sweetheart, you’ve always been my dream,” he tells you softly as he rests his forehead against yours.

You want to live in this moment forever.

“You have to get me upstairs,” you sigh, looking down at your fingers interlocked with his.

“We should get started then, shouldn’t we?” he questions so softly you barely hear it.

You two continue to hold hands as you walk to the elevator, and you don’t let go for the ride up to your floor. The only time Andy lets go of your hand is when you’re fishing out your keys, and even then he’s reluctant to let go.

“You’ll let me know when you’re home safe?” you question as you both step inside your apartment, but you can barely focus on hearing his answer.

“I always do. I’m sorry I-”

Before the last bit of the sober part of your brain can protest, you’re pulling Andy close and kissing him as if you’re life depends on it. It’s not desperate or messy, but it does a good job of showing just how much you need him. How much you’ve always needed him.

You expect him to stop and pull away, but his response is the exact opposite. He pins you against the wall and deepens it, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you as close to him as he can. His tongue traces the outline of your bottom lip as his hands start to explore your body, and you gladly give him access as you run your hands through his hair, gripping it just enough to get a grunt of approval.

It feels like you’re finally alive; every bit of your body tingles with excitement, and every part of you that he touches feels as if it’s on fire. You’ve never felt something so all consuming and powerful, and you never want it to end. Andy’s awoken something deep inside of you, and now you don’t know if you can survive without him.

You barely were before.

He starts to trail skillful kisses down your neck as he fumbles with the front of your shirt, trying to untie it, and it feels like heaven. “Andy,” you moan as your eyes flutter shut and you lull your head back.

He freezes almost instantly.

“Fuck!” he breathes heavily into the crook of your neck. “I gotta go. Shit!”

“What? No! Why-”

“Don’t, sweetheart,” he sighs as he stands up straight, “fuck, I’m so sorry-”

“Andy what did I do? What’s wrong?”

“You are perfect, you could never...it’s me. I know better and still...you’re drunk!”

“What does that have to do with anything? I love you whether I’m drunk or sober. I want you whether I’m drunk or sober.”

“It would be one thing if we were both drunk or sober, but I can’t do this and not feel like I’m taking advantage of you!”

“I kissed you!”

“Because you’re drunk!”

“Okay, so I acted on liquid courage, so what? It doesn’t change-”

“Honey, please.”

The look on his face lets you know that he’s at war with himself and it breaks your heart. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I can’t keep...you aren’t mine.”

“Yes I am, Andy,” you tell him softly holding his torn gaze. “I’m all yours and yours alone. No one’s touched me since that day you showed up at my apartment for drinks, and I’ve been in love with you since that night we went out for ice cream and watched the sunrise. I am all yours and I only ever want to be yours. Drunk or sober, you’re all I’ll ever want.”

“God, this isn’t fucking fair,” he grumbles, resting his forehead against yours. “I’m so fucking in love with you...I wish I could show you...I’m gonna go, sweetheart.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I don’t want to, but it’s for the best. I’ll text you when I’m there.”

“I love you.”

“I love you,” he sighs heavily, kissing your forehead before leaving.

In no time at all, you’re undressing yourself and getting yourself off in bed; Andy’s name leaving your lips every time you reach your climax. No, it’s not ideal and definitely how you wanted to end your night, but it’s enough.

For now.

Andy’s P.OV.

“Jesus Laurie, just drop it! It was three weeks ago and I told you about it!” I yell as we have the same argument, for what feels like the millionth time.

“What were you even doing in a club, Andy?!”

“You didn’t want me here, remember? You wanted me to out of the house, because Y/N was supposed to be here.”

“Well, she very clearly wasn’t, Andy! I text you that it was okay to come home-”

“I’m not a fucking dog, Laurie! You can’t just command me around-”

“I’m not trying to command you-”

“Yes you are! For fucks sake, just sign the divorce papers! There’s nothing to save! Let it go!”

“Stop saying that! What? Are you in love with someone else? Are you-”

“Yes Laurie, I am in love with someone else, and you refusing to do the one thing I ask you to do is making it all that much harder to move on!”

“Why am I the only one fighting to make this marriage work?!”

“Because you’re the one that cheated!” I shout as I make my way into the living room. “You never loved me, because you never knew the real me, and that’s fine. It’s my fault, but now...what’s the reason to keep this up? Jacob’s about to move out, you clearly have other interests-”

“That was once!”

“It was twice, and one of them was an actual fucking relationship! Laurie, I can’t keep-”

“I love you! I know I’ve fucked up and I’m sorry, but we can salvage this!”

“There’s nothing to-”

“Yes there is!” Laurie yells, throwing her glass down.

How the fuck did we end up like this?

“Look at us, Laurie. There’s nothing healthy or right about us anymore. We just don’t work anymore. This doesn’t work and there’s no reason for us to try and force it. Just let it go. Let me go. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“You just need time, Andy. We both do.”

“Laurie, I’m in love with someone else and I’ll be in love with her until my dying breath. I did everything in my power to fix this and now I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m done.”

“You just need time.”

“No, I need a fucking divorce. I’m done, Laurie.”

“I’ll spend the night at my parent’s place and give you time to think about it. We’ll talk about it more when I’m back in the morning.”

“Laurie, you can be gone for a week. You can leave for a month for all I care. I’ll still want a divorce!”

“Just think on it!” she snaps before heading upstairs.

I let out a frustrated grunt before heading into the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of bourbon. 12pm on a fucking Saturday and I’m already pouring myself a drink.

Great.

I don’t know how many times I can have the same fucking argument before I truly snap. I’ve done all I can to be graceful about this, and maybe that’s the fucking problem. I keep trying to spare Laurie’s feelings and am unable to show you that I’m all in.

It’s not like it’s lost on me that our relationship is going to be hard, but I don’t care. I don’t care about the stares, I don’t care about the whispers, and I don’t care about the backlash. Jacob? He’ll be pissed, but he’ll get over it. If he can’t...then it’ll just something else that we have to work through.

I love you. I just want to be with you.

“Alright, I’ll call tomorrow when I’m on my way back and we can-”

“Laurie, I’m moving out. I’ve found a condo and I’m gonna start packing up my stuff next week.”

“You just need time, Andy,” she mutters as her eyes start to water.

“Laurie, please just sign the damn papers. We tried and it just didn’t work-”

“We’ll talk when I get back tomorrow. We both just need to cool off,” she sniffs before turning and walking out.

Why can’t any of this be easy? I just want you. I just need you. For the sake of Jacob and you, I’d really rather not get into an all out war with Laurie over this, but I’m done. I can’t keep telling you I love you and not actually showing you. Not actually prove it. I’ve gotta figure out a way to get out of this and get you back in these arms where you belong.

I need to figure out how to make you mine.

Y/N’s P.O.V

As you pull up to the Barber household, you only see Andy’s car in the driveway.

Great.

You quickly pull out your phone and dial Jacob’s number, praying that he answers.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. We should be leaving soon,” Jacob sighs as soon as he answers.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t think we’d be at her parents so long, and now I feel like an asshole because I bullied you into hanging out.”

“Don’t feel like an asshole,” you scoff, rubbing the back of your neck, “I’ll just head home and you can-”

“No no, just stay there. You know where the spare key is and I’m sure my parents won’t care. Just hangout in my room and we’ll meet you up there.”

“Jake-”

“No, because if you go home, you’re just gonna wanna hangout there for the night. We all swore that we were gonna go out tonight. Between work and school, we all need this.”

“I promise that I won’t make us all stay in the house.”

“You’re so full of shit,” he chuckles as you start laughing, “we really should be leaving soon. Just make yourself comfortable and we’ll see you in a bit.”

“Sounds good,” you smile before hanging up.

You know that it’s in your best interest to go home, especially since Andy’s home, but you don’t want to let Jacob down. You’ve been a moody bitch for months and it only got worse after everything that happened with Andy.

Andy.

You haven’t seen or spoken to him since you two briefly made out in your apartment. Hes tried calling and texting, but you’ve been too embarrassed and ashamed to answer. How could you be so careless? So empty headed? He’s married and you’re best friend’s dad. What made you think it okay?

The fact that you love him.

Drunk or sober, it was bound to happen. Trying to hide from your feelings could only get you so far for so long. You and Andy had been playing a dangerous games with fire for a while, and it only made sense for it all to come to a head when you’d been drinking.

However, facing him after everything...it feels impossible.

But you’re not about to let Jacob.

You take a deep breath before getting out of your car and looking the house over. You’ve been in this house a million times, but this feels so much heavier. It feels heavier and it feels wrong.

How are you supposed to go into the family house when you know you’re part of the reason it’s about to be broken up? No, you’re not the main reason, but it’s become very obvious didn’t start pushing hard for the divorce until you two started spending all your free time together. It also doesn’t help that you told him just how in love with him you are.

You let out an exasperated sigh and rest your head on the steering wheel. You owe Jacob, plus he said he’d be home soon. As long as you hide out in Jacob’s room and avoid Andy, you should be fine.

The second you get out the car, you race up the steps (not wanting to be seen my the neighbors for fear of them telling Laurie), grab the spare key from the inside of the porcelain frog that sits on the top step, and and practically run inside. You expect to be met with some sort of noise, but it’s eerily quiet.

“Hello?” you call out.

No response.

“Andy?”

Non response.

‘I guess he’s out with Laurie,’ you think to yourself with a shrug.

You check your phone and see that it’s 5:40. The plan was to head to the restaurant at 6, so you just have to hold out for a little bit. You quickly make your way upstairs, and stop right outside of the Barbers bedroom. Well, Laurie’s bedroom since Andy never sleeps in it anymore. For just a moment, you contemplate going in and grabbing one of Andy’s sweaters. It’s not like anyone’s home. You can quickly spray it with his cologne, throw it in the trunk of your car, and none on one would have a clue.

But you can’t.

Besides the fact that it’s stealing (and borderline crazy), it’s not going to help anything at all. In fact, sleeping in something of his that smells exactly like him, will only make it worse. You’ve got to stop. You complete your journey to Jacob’s room and lay down on his bed, hoping and praying that Jacob get home before Laurie and Andy do.

As much you try to fight it, you find yourself falling asleep, finally realizing just how tired you are. It makes sense, because you did spend last night crying over Andy.

Just like every other night.

You’re not worried because you know that Jacob will have no problem with waking you up loudly and rudely. You fall asleep hoping that, for once, your dream won’t be about Andy.

However, you know in your heart that it will be. Everything is always about him.

You’re awoken by a loud thunder clap, and you almost fall out of the damn bed. It’s pitch black and you can heavy raindrops against the window and the roof, and you try to figure out what fucking day it is.

You check your phone and see that it’s 10:30, you have three missed calls from Jacob, one unread text from him, and a flash flood warning.

Lovely.

The Dark Lord: I’m assuming you’re asleep. I’m so fucking sorry, when we were finally ready to leave, this stupid storm started. Sarah’s parents begged us to stay until it was over, but it only got worse. Now we’re 6 wine glasses in and in no shape to drive. Not to mention, this rain isn’t letting up any time soon. PLEASE stay at my house, I don’t want you driving in this shit, and I promise to make it up to you. I’m so fucking sorry.

You roll your eyes as you look at outside and see that Andy’s car is still the only car that’s at the house. Maybe everyone decided to stay where they were at.

Y/N: I’m finishing off the bottle of whiskey that’s in your room.

The Dark Lord: That’s more than fine. We’ll all out to breakfast or lunch tomorrow. Again, I’m so sorry. I love you.

Y/N: It’s fine, I’d rather you be safe more than anything else. I love you and tell Sarah I love her too. I’ll see you both tomorrow.

You toss your phone down onto the bed before grabbing the bottle he keeps tucked away in his bottom drawer. Deciding that you’re not in the mood to wear pants, you change into one of his hoodies while turning on his TV. All you’ve eaten today is a granola bar; you’re hoping that you’ll get drunk and knock out quickly. Even though you drink the bottle quickly, it’s not working: you’re at the end of the bottle and you’re only buzzed. You groan in annoyance and decide there’s no shame in raiding the Barbers’ alcohol cabinet since no one’s home.

You make your quick trek down the steps and you’re so focused on your task at hand that you don’t notice anything else around you. You just want to get back in bed and go to sleep.

“Watch your step, there’s glass,” Andy slurs, causing you to scream and jump at the same time.

“What the fuck, Andy?!”

“How did you not know I was here? My car’s parked outside.”

“I called for you when I first got here! I called for anyone!”

“Oh, I was knocked out. I was drunk by 3:30, slept it off. Woke up again at 7 and decided I was still thirsty.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“You’re drunk, not fucking stupid. Don’t lie to me.”

“What were you going to get?” he smirks, finally looking over at you.

“A glass and a bottle of something to drink so I can go back to sleep.”

“Grab a glass and have a drink with me.”

“Let me go put pants on.”

“It’s not like I haven’t seen your legs before.”

“This is different.”

“How so?”

“We’re alone.”

“Which makes it even better.”

“Andy-”

“Go grab your glass, honey,” he urges reassuringly, with a wave of his hand and a car dealer smile.

You ignore all of the voices in your head telling you not to do it; instead you watch your step and grab a glass from the kitchen. You take a deep breath and look at the pictures on the fridge: Jacob, his parents, Jacob and Andy.

‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ you tell yourself mentally before making your way back into the living room.

“Since when do you like the Turner Classic Movies channel?” you ask as you take a seat on the sofa.

“Well, ‘Maltese Falcon’ was on earlier and I wanted to impress you, then ‘Fall of the House of Usher’ came on and I just never turned the channel,” he shrugs and you laugh. “Sorry you got stuck here.”

“It’s fine. Better than being stuck in my apartment.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Needed to get out. I wasn’t doing good in there all alone.”

“You should’ve answered my texts or returned my calls.”

“And deal with having to face you? No thanks, I’m good,” you chuckle humorlessly as you pour yourself a drink, down it in one shot, and pour yourself another.

“Is loving me really so terrible?”

“It is when we can’t be together.”

“Why can’t we?” he asks, turning his full attention to you. “You got bangs.”

“Sarah said I should.”

“Good choice on her part, you look amazing. You always look amazing.”

“What happened, baby?”

“I lied to you,” Andy starts as he pours himself another drink, “I said Laurie only cheated once, which was complete and utter bullshit. The first time she cheated, it was a full on affair. They had hotel dates, he took her out to dinner and bought her flowers, fucked her a lot, but I forgave it because I wanted to try and make it work. She’s my wife, the mother of my son, and we’ve been together forever, so of course I wanted to make it work. Then, the night that I was at your place and we were watching ‘Vivacious Lady’, when I didn’t answer. She went out and cheated again.”

“What the fuck?! Andy, I’m so fucking sorry!”

“So, I’ve been pushing even harder for the divorce and she still refuses. She thinks I just need more time, which I very much don’t. I’m not in love with her, and the more that I think about it, I don’t think I ever was. Sure, I had feelings for her, but never like the feelings I have for you. Not even close. So, we got into an argument, she threw the glass down in frustration, she asked me if I’m in love with someone else and I told her yes, and she said that I just need time and we’ll talk about it when she gets back in the morning from her parent’s house.”

“Andy...I’m so-”

“Why are you sorry? What did you do? You didn’t tell her to cheat, you didn’t tell her to lie to me about it, and you sure as shit didn’t push her into someone else’s arms. She did that. If anything, I’m sorry. I keep telling you that I love you and then I don’t prove it. I don’t show it.”

“It doesn’t matter because we can’t-”

“Why can’t we be together, sweetheart? I’m leaving Laurie, one way or another, and Jacob will get over it. I love you and you love me, so why can’t we be together?”

“The town-”

“Fuck all of them. Who gives a fuck what they think? Who gives a fuck if they turn up their noses? You wanna move out of state? Let’s go. You want me to fight any asshole who gives you a hard time? I’ll fucking do it. I love you. I want to be with you. That’s not changing.”

“Andy-”

“Come here, sweetheart,” he coaxes softly, and it’s like your body can’t help but obey; it’s on auto pilot.

With your drink in hand, you slowly make your way over to him and straddle him, “I should go back to my place.”

“Not in this weather, and we both know you don’t want to. You belong right here with me, just like I belong with you.”

“How are we supposed to be together? Laurie will go out of her way to make your life miserable-”

“Isn’t that what she’s doing now?”

“Baby-”

“You are so fucking beautiful,” he comments softly as he looks you over. “So fucking beautiful and the best fucking soul I’ve ever known.”

“You’re drunk,” you basically whisper as you look over his features.

His grays aren’t necessarily noticeable, but the ones you see peeking out accent him well. He looks exhausted but not old, frustrated but not worn out, and anxious but not terrified. He looks like he just needs someone to take his mind off of things for a while, and you want more than anything to be that for him.

“Ya know, I really like your tattoos,” he chuckles as his hands smooth over your thighs.

“Yeah? You don’t disapprove?”

“Hard for me to do that when I have a few of my own.”

“Oh?”

“If you want, I can show you tonight.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to love you until you’re spent, honey,” he whispers hotly against your neck before kissing it.

“Andy, are you sure you want this?” you moan as you grind against him slightly.

“You don’t know how many times I’ve gotten off to the thought of you being a begging mess beneath me,” he groans as he starts rubbing your clothed clit, making you let out a desperate whimper. “Lace panties?”

“I didn’t...I didn’t think anyone would know. It’s laundry day.”

“Lucky me,” he chuckles, picking up his pace. “Ya know, if this thin material is already soaked, I wonder what that perfect little cunt feels like,” he smirks as he pushes your panties to the side, before lightly tracing over your aching lips. “God, this pussy is just begging for me, isn’t it?” he questions before easily sliding two fingers in you.

“Andy,” you moan softly, gripping one of his shoulders tight with your free hand, giving in to what you’ve wanted for so long.

“Aren’t you just the perfect girl?” he husks as he starts to slowly fuck you.

“Baby, please don’t stop!”

“I’ve barely done anything and you’re so ready for me to destroy you.”

“I haven’t been touched in so long...been dreaming of this, Daddy,” you whimper as he picks up his pace.

“God, I can’t wait to taste this fucking cunt! What a good little girl!”

“Andy!”

“Oh, someone’s close,” he smirks as he curls his fingers, rubbing that spot that brings you to life.

“Daddy please!” you cry out as you press your forehead against his.

“Cum for me, baby! I’ve been dying to taste this cunt and I can’t wait to be deep inside you.”

“Andy!” you cry out, cumming hard on his fingers as you get lost in the euphoria of it all.

He fucks you through your ecstasy, pressing soft kisses to your temple, as you try and come back down to reality. You’re well aware that there’s no coming back from the line you two just crossed, but you also don’t care. You don’t want to come back from it. The both of you held off long enough and it’s way past time for you two to truly express how you honestly feel for one another.

He slowly removes his two fingers before smearing your lips with them. Before he has a chance, you kiss him deeply as you grind your hips against his. He groans into your mouth, and it’s enough to send you off all over again.

“You taste so much better than I ever imagined,” he broods once you two break apart. “Tell me you want this as much as I do.”

“I’ve never wanted anything more,” you whisper, leaning in closer. “I think you should take what’s always been yours, Daddy,” you finish before gently biting on his ear lobe.

In almost a blink of an eye, Andy’s hold on your waist is tighter and he’s standing up as if you’re weightless. You wrap your legs around him before going in for another all consuming, passionate kiss, surprising yourself with just how well you’re able to keep a hold of your drink.

Andy only makes it halfway up the stairs before he’s pinning you against the wall, and furiously making out with you while grinding himself against you.

“Baby please,” you whine, desperate to feel his skin pressed against yours.

“Wait...waited so fucking long to have someone as perfect as you,” he breathes out as he trails kisses down your neck: “I wanna savor every moment of this.”

“You can have anything you want from me tonight, baby. You can take everything you want from me.”

He marches you up the hallway, a step at a time, pace quickening the closer he gets to the already open bedroom door. He kicks the door closed behind the both of you before gently letting you down off him and lying you onto the bed (you finally placing your drink down on the nightstand), leaning over you with an eager smile, raining kisses onto you like a spring shower.

Right as he’s about to pull off your panties, he stands up straight and takes a step back, “take off the hoodie.”

The command is soft, but is stern enough to let you know that he’s done being cute about everything. You keep your gaze on him as you sit up, before slowly removing Jacob’s hoodie, which leaves you only in your lace black bra matching your panties.

“Fuck.”

“Now, you have to show me something,” you encourage as you slide one of your hands down between your legs.

“Anything you want,” he husks as he fights the urge to start palming himself over his pants; his eyes never leaving you and your movements.

“Lets start simple, baby. Take off your shirt,” you moan, separating your legs so he can get a better view of you caressing your clothed clit, biting your bottom lip so you can suppress a moan.

It’s hard not to focus on the bulge in his pants and how much you want what he’s concealing inside your mouth, but the second his shirt is off, you can’t take your eyes off of his chest.

“Jesus.”

No, he isn’t littered in tattoos, but he has a few on his perfectly sculpted pecs, and his abs look like you can cut diamonds on them.

Andrew Steven Barber is perfect.

“My turn, get that fucking bra off,” he pathetically moans as he finally gives in and starts to palm himself over his pants.

You’re slow to stop your movements. You move your hands up to the back of your bra, unclasping it, letting it fall down in front of you; before removing your arms from the straps, letting it fall freely and tossing it to the side.

“Fuck me,” he growls as he starts to crawl on to the bed, but you hold up your foot to stop him.

“Gotta make it fair, Daddy. Pants off,” you pout as your hand resumes its place in the middle of your legs.

“Don’t keep me waiting, sweetheart.”

“Then take them off,” you demand with a moan and a seductive smirk.

He almost falls over with how fast he tries to get his pants off, but the second they’re off, you feel your cunt clench around nothing but the sight of him in his boxer briefs.

He’s about to ruin you for every other man.

He slowly crawls onto the bed before forcing your hand out of the way and ripping your panties off, “I’m done waiting.”

It’s not lost on you that Laurie and Jacob could come home at any moment, but you’re so far past the point of caring. The both of you have waited long enough and no one is doing anything wrong. You both did your best to be as responsible and mature about this as you could be. The waiting is over.

He belongs to you just as much as you belong to him.

“Andy,” you whine as he hooks your right leg over his shoulder, kissing up your inner left leg.

“Don’t be a brat,” he warns, slapping your cunt as he continues to kiss up your leg, changing once he reaches your thigh and he slowly runs his tongue up its lower side, teasing your clit with little kitten licks.

“Shit! ‘m...I’m so sorry, Daddy! Won’t do it again,” you promise with a silent cry as you grip his hair, grinding yourself against his face.

“Such a needy little thing,” he chuckles before teasing your entrance with three fingers, “this pussy... tastes like a fucking dream!”

“Daddy please!”

“Daddy’s gonna take care of you, don’t you worry that gorgeous little head of yours,” he coos before using his lips to pull on your clit, while he easily slides two fingers inside you.

“Oh God, yes!” you cry out, arching your back a little as your free hand squeezes the sheet. “Just like that, baby!”

Andy takes his time exploring you with his tongue, licking and sucking on your clit as if trying to commit it to memory, before removing his fingers and licking your soaked folds, while his thumb skillfully circles your clit.

“N-need you so much, please,” you mewl, releasing the sheet and starting to claw up his back.

If Laurie finds out, oh well.

“ ‘m so fucking close!”

It’s almost as if you’ve activated a primal need in him, because his mouth is instantly back on your clit, licking and sucking on it with more determination than before while sliding three fingers inside of you, curling them and hitting that spot that makes you blossom like a flower for him.

“Fuck!” you wail, squirting hard as you feel your body ignite all over from pleasure, curling your toes.

You try to regulate your breathing as Andy cleans up between your legs, but the thought of what’s to come has you writhing in pure want and desire. The only thing that brings you back is the feel of the tip of Andy’s tongue slowly making it’s way up your body.

“Please,” you whimper, arching your leg and scrunching up the sheets with your toes.

“What did Daddy say about being a brat?” he growls before taking one of your nipples into his mouth and swirling his tongue his tongue around it, while his hand takes the other, kneading it between his fingers before pinching it.

“I’m sorry, I-oh fuck! I just need to feel you! Dreamt of...oh my...Andy!”

“My sensitive, sweet girl,” he smirks against your nipple. “So, so needy.”

“Please!”

“This is the only time you’ll get rewarded for misbehaving,” he warns before resuming his painfully slow trail up to your lips.

Once his lips are finally on yours again, you grip him tight and moan at the taste of you that lingers on his tongue. You’re so wrapped up in him that you don’t notice him shimmying out of his boxer briefs. You’re on the verge of begging again, when you feel him pushing his way inside of you, his kiss swallowing your gasp.

“I swear this pussy was made just for me,” he grunts as he bottoms out.

“Oh my God!” you cry as he stretches you, trying to adjust to him, but loving the way he’s pulling you apart.

“You take me so well, baby,” he groans as he starts to fuck you hard and fast.

“S-so...so full!”

“Yeah baby? You like the way this fat cock stuffs your tight little cunt?”

“Oh fuck!” you sob, his filthy words pushing you closer to your release. “So much better than I imagined!”

“Of course my filthy girl thought about me fucking her stupid. That’s what you want right? You want Daddy to fuck you stupid?”

You moan in response, wrapping a leg around his waist, moving your hips along with his, digging your nails into his back.

Andy isn’t having that.

“Use your words, sweet girl, or I’ll stop,” he warns and it only turns you on more.

“Y-yes!”

“Yes what?”

“Y-yes I wan...want you to fuck me till I can’t think, Daddy! Fuck, right there! P...please!” you sob pathetically as a few tears escape your eyes from pleasure.

“That’s my good girl,” he smirks before dipping down and starting to bite and suck on the hollow of your neck.

“Jesus, you’re gonna make me...oh my God!!”

“Never want to be without you again,” he moans, sliding a hand down between the two of you, starting to massage your clit.

“Oh...oh, fuck!”

“I love you so much!”

“I love you...Andy! I can’t...mmm yes!”

“Let go for me sweet girl! Cum all over my cock!”

“Jesus, FUCK!”

Your cunt clenches tightly around Andy’s cock as you squirt hard. You start clawing at the bed, praying that you’re not ripping them, as Andy fucks you through your high. You know he’s whispering sweet nothings in your ear, but you can’t focus on anything except how good you feel all over.

“Such a good girl,” Andy praises as he pulls out while you whine at the emptiness you now feel. “Get on your hands and knees for me,” he instructs as he strokes himself while looking at the blissed out mess on his bed that is you.

When your only response is to stare at him blankly, a sinister smirk plays on his lips.

“We’re not finished yet, honey. Didn’t think I’d be able to fuck you so stupid, so fast,” he tsks as he flips you over with ease.

It’s not that you don’t want more, you’re brain just isn’t keeping up with anything at the moment. You’re slow to get on your hands and knees, but the second you are, you’re moaning in want.

You can’t get enough.

“Never thought you’d be so fucking amazing,” he grunts as he thrusts himself inside you. “You take Daddy’s cock so well, honey.”

“Please don’t...don’t stop,” you whimper as you strangle the pillows.

“This pussy is mine and mine only, got that sweetheart?”

“Only ever want you, Daddy,” you sob as he starts pumping into you faster. “I’ll only ever need you!”

“Never knew someone as perfect could exist, baby. Especially in my fucking world....shit! The way this pretty little cunt squeezes me is perfect!”

“Make me cum again, please! Fuck me like a pretty little whore so I can make a mess all over your bed, please!”

“Jesus Christ!” he growls, gripping your hair tight as he picks up his pace.

“Ah shit! Just like that! Fuck, you make me feel so fucking good! I love you so much!”

“Say it again,” he demands, before slapping your ass.

“Yes! Fuck, I fucking love you, Andy! I love...love you so much! “

“Fuck, let go for me baby! Give it all to me right now!”

“Fuck!” you shout, your orgasm demolishing whatever energy you have left.

Andy lets out a low and guttural growl as he wraps an arm around your waist as he paints your walls with his seed. He hunches over and leans his forehead against the back of your head, and you both try to regulate your breathing as you come down from your highs.

“You are everything to me, and I...I love you so much,” he breathes out after a moment. “Nothing will ever change that, I promise.”

“I just want you, Andy. I love you and I’m here for you always. I won’t turn my back on you. I won’t hurt you,” you promise softly.

Andy slowly pulls out and, if it weren’t for him guiding you, you would’ve collapsed onto the bed. After he gently lays you down, he walks out of the bedroom and you get under the covers and try to get comfortable, but you just want Andy to hold you. A small laugh escapes your lips when you look over to the nightstand and see your drink from earlier there.

Funny how a few drinks and a couple of confessions can change a night completely.

Reach over and down the rest of it, before laying on your back and going over the events that just happened.

“I can’t tell if you’re in a good mood or not,” Andy laughs, coming back in with a wet towel in hand. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asks as he pulls back the covers.

“I love you,” you smile at him as he starts to clean up the release between your legs.

“I love you too, honey,” he chuckles, “what’s going on?”

“Just...if...ya know what? Never mind.”

“Talk to me, sweetheart. This doesn’t work if we don’t talk to each other.”

“What even is “this”?”

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“If you don’t want this anymore after tonight...I understand.”

“Y/N-”

“I know you’re not a douchebag and I know you would never do anything to hurt me, but I also know that we’re both pretty fucking buzzed and upset. If you acted on impulse-”

“Hey, I love you. I have loved you for so long and this isn’t something I’m just going to be over tomorrow. I don’t want to just fuck you, even though it is insanely,” he smirks and you scoff. “I want to help you, support you, care for you, be your best friend, be someone you can count on, you can cry to. Y/N, I want to be everything for you, all the time, forever. I love you,” he smiles at you.

You sit up and pull him close, and you both get lost in a passionate and soul consuming kiss.

You never meant to fall for Andy, you never meant to add any complication to his life, and you sure as shit never meant to fall in love. However, when he makes you feel like you do now, you can’t seem to find a single reason to feel any shame or regret over anything you two have done.

You don’t feel an ounce of shame or regret over what you both have decided to start.

“Lets get some sleep,” you smile at him once you two break apart.

“Sounds good to me,” he nods before kissing your forehead.

He quickly discard the washcloth in the hamper, then gets in next to you and pulls you close. As you fall asleep to him peppering kissing along the side of your neck, you know that you’re going to be okay.

Everything is going to be just fine.

You giggle as you feel hairs tickle the inside of your legs.

Andy.

“What are you doing?” you laugh with your eyes still closed.

“Time for you to wake up,” he murmurs against the inside of your thigh.

“And what does you being in-between my legs have to do with me waking up?”

“It’s breakfast time and I’m starving,” he simply mumbles before licking your clit.

“Andy,” you gasp as you reach down, gripping his hair.

“That’s right, honey, come alive for Daddy.”

He slides three fingers into you with ease and you don’t stop the silent gasp that escapes your lips as he starts sucking on your clit. You didn’t appreciate it as much last night, because you were focused on what you truly wanted, but the feel of his beard hairs on your thighs only heightens everything for you.

“Fuck! Daddy, if you keep...oh God! Yes, yes....I’m right...GOD, YES!” you exclaim as you squirt hard on his fingers, more than sure that some of it got in his beard.

“What a good little girl,” he praises before cleaning up the mess between your legs.

You’re never gonna tire of the way he makes you feel, or the praise he gives you.

“We can’t do this!” you giggle as he kisses his way back up your body.

“Why?”

“She said she’ll be home in the morning, and it’s very much...fuck!” you whimper as he thrusts himself inside of you.

“I think after last night, we both know it won’t take me long to bring you off,” he teases as he starts relentlessly pumping into you.

“Daddy, I-”

“Andy!” Laurie’s voice rings out from the entry way as the door slams shut.

“Shit!” you whisper as Andy stalls within you almost instantly.

As you both lay there, sheer panic written all over your faces, you can’t help but think about what the future has in store for the both of you. Yeah, if Laurie catches you both, it’ll be hell to pay.

But what about Jacob? It’ll crush him and what will happen to your friendship. Both you and Andy scamper around as quietly as you can, as you do your best to avoid your panic attack.

“Andy!?” Laurie calls again as she searches around downstairs.

You both stop and look at each other, and the look on Andy’s face tells you that you’re both thinking the same thing:

What the fuck did you two just get yourselves into?

taglist: @maroonsunrise83, @fuckingbye, @emerald-evans, @whxre4cevans, @autumnrose40, @greeneyedblondie44, @whiskeytangofoxtrot555, @pono-pura-vida, @nomadstucky,

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easypeasylindyvesey · 4 months

Text

I Think it’s Strange We Never Knew: Jimmy Vesey x fem!OC

Summary: After the unforeseen death of Abby’s boyfriend, one of the NHL’s star defenseman and her teammate, she severely struggles with managing her grief. She confides in Jimmy Vesey, who is not only another teammate of hers, but is one of the very few people she has a strong friendship with. That is until that night and the days that followed. Does this life-altering news change the trajectory of their personal perceptions of each other? Or does it entail a chance of crossing boundaries for the risk of moving on?

Word Count (excluding title and heading): 15,745

*(General) Warnings: (foul) language, mentions/discussion of death, suicide attempt (brief, closed door description), eventual confession of feelings, grief, panic attack(s), angst, eventual sexual implications but no smut, age gap

*Note: This story takes place in the future. Abby is 24-25 and Jimmy is 33-35.

MAY 2027 (Warnings: angst, grief, mentions/discussion of death, suicide attempt (brief, closed door), (foul) language)

I am confined to this state of nothingness. I feel like I am passing through each day without any purpose. There’s nothing to do, nothing to distract myself with. The hours take so long to pass. It’s probably because I spend them in my room.

I’ve fallen into a pattern where I only leave my room to use the bathroom and to get food, otherwise, it’s my little private habitat. I don’t even attempt to talk to Jimmy. He’s forcing himself through the exposed cracks that happen to be parts of my soul. The forced conversation does not work. I see it as a little tactic of his. I hate to break it to him, but he’s not going to get anywhere with his strategy. If it’s not going to work with anyone else, it sure won’t with my roommate. God, it still feels so weird to call him that.

Ever since the argument about the panic attack, we haven’t had any others that have escalated to that point. A few quick arguments here and there, but he’s done better with not verbally attacking me. We didn’t even have a discussion about that fight. There were no apologies or anything. It was kinda shoved aside and forgotten about. Well, I wouldn’t say forgotten about. More like something that didn’t want to be revisited. After that, we’ve still talked to each other, but it’s more short-term, if anything. I think we’re both avoiding the elephant in the room. The meals are shortened, quick pleasantries are said half-heartedly, little to no quality time is spent together in the same place. I don’t mean to shut him out. I really don’t. I’ve always craved my own space, and he’s starting to realize that now. It doesn’t change the fact about previous encounters, but he’s being cautious. It’s as if he’s walking on eggshells. Now again, I don’t want him to feel like he has to do that. He’s probably afraid of saying the wrong thing, which he’s actually never admitted before. Hey, there’s a first time for everything. He’s not getting an out.

I’m watching how I talk to him, too. I have to remind myself that he is still hurt and upset by everything. It just might take him a little while longer to fully express it. The thought of him exploding at any minute never leaves my mind. I’m not prepared. So in order to avoid it in the near future, guess I’m walking on eggshells too.

The room grows dark as the evening sky makes its way to settle in. I’m watching the HGTV channel. It’s been my hyperfixation for most of the month. The shows are calming and have great personality among the hosts and guests. There’s no mystery, no uncertainty. It’s there to boost your spirits and keep you engaged. It sure has kept me focused. It has definitely not boosted my spirits, that’s for sure.

Out of the corner of my eye, my phone lights up next to me on the duvet. It’s a text message, and who else would it be from than the man that’s about 10ish walking feet from me right next door? I quickly gaze at it. Sleep well, it reads.

I unlock my phone and tap my fingers on the screen. you too, I answer, hitting send. I lock my phone and turn it camera side up. A new alternative the both of us have silently came up with is engaging more in text than verbal conversation. It gives us the choice of actually wanting to respond without being forced when we’re stuck in front of each other. It’s not like we go all day without talking, but you can tell there’s some sort of weakened part in us being able to hold a dialogue. Then again, it’s a touchy subject, and I’d rather not talk about it. One of us will end up getting hurt. Both of us are used to it by now. At least we’re making the minimal amount of effort to maintain contact. It’d be nearly impossible to ghost him and vice versa. It would’ve poured out in an argument at some point or another.

I end up watching TV for another hour before shutting off the lights and getting comfortable to go to bed. The only problem is that I’m wide awake. My eyes are completely alert and show no signs of rapidly closing. It’s probably because my brain is racing. It’s racing with the thought that tomorrow is going to be a very tough day.

Tomorrow was supposed to be Ryan and I’s second year anniversary. I know my last year self was so excited about getting past 1 year. When it comes to relationships, whether you’re still with the person or have ended it, the time you were together matters. Even if they were the biggest asshole to walk this planet. You wouldn’t be able to consider it time really wasted. At one point, you meant something to them and were prioritized. The unsatisfying part is never being fully aware of when it started to spin sideways. Where it started to slip away from which both of you would not be able to fully recover.

The thought of never being able to find out if the two of us were going to stand the test of time is one of a million thoughts that is going to forever haunt me. Then, I’m reminded of Jimmy’s comment saying that it was a blessing in disguise. Even though it didn’t come off as sincere, he really wasn’t wrong. Who knows what the universe had in store? Who knows if we were really built for a future? Who knows what his true, bitterly raw feelings about me were? If there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I never regretted the time we had together. It might have been cut short, but it was evident that we were always going to share that special bond that no one else would ever be able to understand. It’s somewhat comforting.

What’s not comforting, however, is the fear of having to replicate another close bond with another man. It’s not going to be the same, not that I want it to be, anyway, but to open up my heart and soul again will be even more daunting than I might realize.

Okay, that’s enough thinking for tonight. I hit my head on the pillow and shut my eyes, hoping that the task of faking to be asleep will eventually pay off. I can’t be kept up all night. Not by him, anyway.

I’m awoken again, this time not by noise, but by what feels like bright lights. I squint my eyes open and look to the carpet floor. I don’t see any outside light pouring in. My curiosity decided to get the best of me and I find myself dragging out of bed to open up the curtains.

Well, now I know the source of the “bright lights.” It’s cloudy.

So much for a good day. Even the sky knows it’s not time to celebrate.

“Well, that’s just great,” I say aloud. I discard my unmade bed and head straight for the door, taking a quick peak to see if Jimmy’s awake. By the looks of his closed door, I can tell that he’s not. It’s either that or he’s doing his morning social media scroll. I wouldn’t blame him because I do it too.

I use the bathroom and wash my face, spritz on the perfume, roll on the deodorant, all that jazz. I tiptoe into the kitchen and do everything I can to be quiet while making breakfast. I’ve always been known to act like a mouse when it comes to wandering around places. I don’t draw too much attention to myself and I’ve got tiny feet, so it doesn’t really count for much noise. Jimmy’s kinda the same, I’d say. I mean, he can’t help his tall stature, so he can be a little loud when moving around, but he does his best to maintain my mouse-like quietness. Although, there is one time where I recall sleeping within the last couple weeks, and since I’m a light sleeper, I heard footsteps approach my door and it creaked open, shutting several seconds later. This is under the assumption that he was either watching me sleep, which is really creepy, or he wanted to see if I was awake and wanted to have a conversation. Should I even give him credit for trying?

I settle for scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast with a side of store-packaged fruit, specifically the assorted containers with cantaloupe, watermelon, pineapple, honeydew. That’s the good shit. I take the fruit out of the fridge and keep it out on the counter while looking through the newly organized cabinets for a decent sized pan to cook the eggs in. I decide to double my workload and make breakfast for him too. I hope he appreciates the sentiment, even if it’s through expressions rather than words.

I crack the first 2 eggs into the pan and prepare the toast by dropping the slices of bread into the toaster. It’s only 9:10. A little earlier than I get up, but I guess both my brain and body had different plans today. While waiting for the food to get caught up to speed, I decide which fruit to pick out. The package isn’t even open yet, so I have first-hand advantage. I pick one of everything, arranging it on the paper plate and pushing it off to the side. My attention returns to both the eggs and toast.

It’s too quiet in here. I don’t hear any shuffling or evident signs that he’s gotten up yet. That’s okay. I’ll just take the time to think, collect my thoughts. Maybe by the end of it, I’ll have my shit together. Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone knows I won’t.

I continue folding the eggs around on every corner, every crevice, every edge there possibly is until I’ve gotten them all yellow and scrambled before I remove them from the pan with the spatula and place them onto the crisp, golden brown toast. I reach into the cabinet above the pots and pans, moving my hand around blindly to grab the salt and pepper. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t hard because they were right in front of me. I sprinkle a small amount onto each slice before I locate them to their own spot on the counter. I reach bag into the egg carton and grab 2 more and crack them above the pan, watching them fall out of their shells and sizzling underneath the flame. At least that one can be retained. Mine’s upgraded into a wildfire.

Conversation has continued to be limited with the team. There hasn’t been much to really discuss, other than the fact that it’s technically summer vacation and we’re free to do whatever we want without the constant routine of showing up to the rink and practicing almost everyday. With that temporary absence of a consistent schedule, it’s been difficult figuring out how to spend my free time. Then again, I’m having several solo parties a day in my room. It really cannot get that much better, right?

I’m so adjusted to the drastic decrease in communication that I don’t even realize another voice infiltrating the room. “Morning.” It’s said in a sleepy voice, just like the one in Minnesota. I hear the scrape of a chair on the floor.

I turn around and meet his gaze. He was already looking with my back turned to him, wasn’t he? “Hi.”

“This for me?” He points to the full plate I pushed away earlier.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m making my own now.”

“Thanks.”

“Sure. Killing two birds with one stone.”

I immediately regret using that phrase, as it brings me back to the night of that argument. I remember him saying he wished I would’ve died with Ryan, hence, the two birds being us and the stone being that drunk driver and his stupid fucking truck. Sometimes, I wonder if he really wanted it to end up that way.

Returning to the eggs, they look perfect. I shut off the stove and take the toast out of the toaster, unplugging it right after. I arrange the toast on my plate and gently put down my eggs on top, sprinkling the salt and pepper for a perfect finish. I decide to take a fork out from the drawer and just eat the fruit straight out of the container. I turn back around to face him, my forearms leaning down on the counter. “Got anything planned today?” I say, attempting to sound as honest as possible.

Jimmy shakes his head. “Not really,” he responds. He points to the plate with his fork, a diced piece of watermelon taking up its space. “This is really good, by the way.”

“I’m a good cook.”

“Hell, you’re better than me.”

“Don’t I know it,” I reply sarcastically.

“Alright, stop that.” He flashes me his little smile.

I can’t help but flash one back at him.

“What about you?” Now it’s his turn to pry into my personal mental journal of thoughts.

“Nope. Got nothing better to do than just sit here.”

“That’s fair.”

I give him a little nod.

“I’m, uh, I’m sorry about today.” He flashes me those sparkly puppy-dog eyes, that even I, too, can really see they are filled with sadness.

I look down at my plate and then look back up, glancing everywhere around the room that isn’t directly into his eyes. “It’s fine,” I mutter.

“Is there anything you’d like to do today, to uh, like, commemorate it or anything?” He’s sincere when he says that, too.

I shake my head. “No. It’s not the same without him here.”

“For what it’s worth, if anything, I thought you two were a great match for each other.”

I finally gain the courage to look at him. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he continues. “You both really cared about what was best for one another. It was evident there was some other level you two had unlocked that no one else could’ve cracked. I don’t want this to come off as creepy or anything, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happier than when he was in the room. I know you didn’t have to be everywhere with him, and you were fine with that, but he just generated a different aura, you know? I’ve never seen you not smile when he was there. It made me happy to know he was treating you well.”

A rare sighting of sweetness?

“He did,” I admit. “There were rarely any arguments, and even if there were, it’d be over stupid things, like where to go get ice cream after a day on the beach or what music to play when driving. He was never too serious. I mean, he obviously was about his career, that’s a given. Don’t get me wrong, he was serious about us too, but I never had to question if he truly enjoyed it. If he could make me laugh at least three separate times during each time we saw each other, then maybe it was something worth my time.”

“Never made you cry?”

I stare him down. “Not until recently. He never made me go to bed wondering if I wasn’t an important part of his life.”

“Sounds like he was the perfect guy for you.”

I scoff. “Well, he wasn’t perfect, by any means. He obviously had flaws, just like you and I do. However, he did put in the effort. That’s what mattered.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s always going to matter.”

Jimmy clears his throat and gets up from his chair, retreating to the fridge and grabbing the jug of orange juice to place on the counter. He takes a cup out of the cabinet and pours himself some to go along with his breakfast. He looks in my direction, jug in hand. “Want some?”

“No thanks. Orange juice is dehydrating.”

He scrunches his eyebrows. “What do you mean? No, it’s not.”

“Uh, yes it is,” I sarcastically argue. “I don’t know how anyone drinks it God-willingly.”

“You’re so weird,” he replies back.

“Damn straight.” I give him a devious smile.

Now it’s his turn to scoff and shake his head. “You want anything to drink?”

“I’m good.”

He puts the orange juice back in the fridge and shuts the door, walking back to where he was sitting. He takes his piece of watermelon and pops it into his mouth.

“You excited for Wednesday?”

He finishes swallowing and looks at me. “I guess so, yeah.”

“You don’t wanna turn another year younger, do you?”

I get him to crack a smile, and with teeth. Damn, I’m good. “Not according to you, no.”

“But, like, do you have an idea of what you wanna do? We can’t just do nothing. Maybe, we can do a team outing or something.”

“Not everybody’s here,” Jimmy corrects me. “Lots of the guys went back home for the summer, remember?”

Oh crap, I forgot about that.

I exhale a frustrated sigh. “Alright, fine. I’ll go buy a tiny cake from the store and stick 34 mini candles in it. How does that sound?”

“It sounds like a fire hazard.”

I wave my hand away in his face. “I’ll keep it under control.”

“Oh, I’m sure you will. But seriously, we don’t have to do anything crazy. We can run to Dunkin to get breakfast and then maybe come back here and just lounge. We could walk around the city if it’s nice out. Just wanna keep it lowkey, okay?”

I nod. “Got it. Your parents aren’t gonna be in town?”

He shakes his head. “Not this year. It’s not a big deal. You didn’t celebrate your birthday with yours, either.”

“Well, yeah, but I did it with another family instead.”

He nods in agreement. “Have your parents checked in on you at all?”

“Yeah. I call my mom once a week. I’m tired of her constantly texting me, asking if I’m okay. She should know by now that I’m not. My dad hasn’t thought to formulate a sentence, but that’s how he is.”

“When did you last call her?”

I finish the last bite of my toast before moving to my fruit. “Yesterday. It was only like 15 minutes. It’s the same old shit. There’s not much to talk about.”

“Does she seem worried?”

“She’s always gonna worry about me, even if I’m in the happiest mood ever,” I retort. “She was a nonstop mess when I moved here and had to live on my own, but she feels slightly better that I’ve moved in with someone.”

“Has she said anything about me?” Jimmy wonders.

I pretend to think. “She told me to thank you for being there when she couldn’t.”

“Well, tell her that it’s my utmost duty.”

“Okay, now you’re just being a little shit,” I laugh, closing the fruit container and putting it back in the fridge, then throwing my plate in the trash can. “You done? I can take it for you.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Thanks.”

“Oh, it’s my utmost duty to serve you, James.”

“Okay, enough of that,” he laughs. “What do you wanna do?”

I look around the apartment. “Actually, I think I’m gonna get organized. Make the bed, put away laundry, maybe start shifting some stuff into the other closet so that it doesn’t come crashing down on me the next time I open it.”

“Sounds like a great idea. Today’s probably not gonna be a good day to go out, anyway.” He gestures to the windows behind the TV.

It’s started drizzling. That’s great! Perfect weather for a somber day!

“Well, thank goodness for our lives being boring and having no plans!” I reply. “And with that, I’m going to go distract myself with plans.”

“Let me know if you want any help.”

Oh, like he’s ever done that since that night? He cannot be serious.

“I will,” I respond. It’s the only thing I can say that won’t start something. I make my way to my room, shutting the door behind me.

I start off with making my bed, propping up all the pillows so they look fresh and totally not worn out. I brought my pillows to sleep on and kept Jimmy’s boring ass white shams. Same thing with the duvet. To make the room a little more interesting, I placed a couple throw blankets at the end to add in some color to make up for the lack thereof. The next task was perhaps the most daunting of them all as an adult: laundry. The basket was heavy because I let it build up, and Jimmy always wanted to take my basket down when our laundry had to be done so he could separate our clothes. He has not yet made the mistake of throwing in one of his own articles into my basket yet. I’m still waiting for the day.

After the longest 25 minutes of flipping shirts inside out, finding unoccupied hangers, hooking them on the closet rail, folding all of my pants and putting them in the drawer, repeating the process with my bras and underwear, which now, it got me thinking. I wonder if he ever peaked at them longer than he should’ve when I wasn’t around. Oh, who am I kidding? He most definitely did not. He’s too innocent for that. Although, he was guilty of calling me a burden, so I wonder if he’s gonna reverse his charges. Wait, what was I alluding to? Oh, yeah. My laundry’s done.

I move all of my hockey gear, equipment, all of its corresponding bullshit to the empty closet. It’s not one that I want to open in the near future. I forgot how heavy my duffle bag was, so I literally had to shuffle it across the carpet because I really don’t want to throw out a shoulder right now. Not that it would matter because we’re not playing, but it would make my life just the tiniest bit easier. I go back for the skates, stick, and gloves. Only they’re not mine. They’re his.

The other option was that they get discarded in some deep, dark closet that no one would ever open again, the lock being kept in place. I drove up to the practice rink one day to get them. Of course, I chose not to tell Jimmy where I was going, so when I got back an hour and a half later, when I opened the door, I found him sitting on the couch and immediately turning around to give me one of the most disapproving looks. We quickly bickered about how I need to let him know where I’m going, yet I’m a grown adult just like him and that he doesn’t need to become a helicopter “parent” and know all of my whereabouts. The good news is that he hasn’t had to worry since. I have not stepped foot out that door probably since close to the end of April. The closest I count to escaping is standing out on the balcony for a little while until I start to feel claustrophobic, and then I make my way back inside. I finally got an apartment complex parking sticker, so I did end up bringing my car over, but it’s never left its parking spot since the day I came back from Greenburgh. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know who to go see.

Exhaustion begins to set in after moving everything around and rearranging my space. I don’t even make a run for lying down on my bed and instead settle sitting next to the deep, dark closet on the carpet. It’s not even 12 yet and this day is already going by too slow. I need it to be over. The goal is always getting to the next day without feeling the need to perish. Has it gotten easier? No. Am I starting to come to the conclusion that this accident was probably the one thing the universe did to me on purpose? Yes.

I hear a faint knock. At first, I think it’s at the bedroom door, but I hear footsteps make their way from the room next door all the way across the apartment. Someone’s here. Who is it? What do they want?

There’s a distant sound of voices. Are they conspiring on something? Does someone know I’m here? Are they coming to kick me out? Are we being invaded? Are they here to tell me that someone else is dead?

Now is the time when the footsteps approach the bedroom door. I hear a light knock. If it’s actually him on the other side, kudos to finally taking the hint at knocking. Every time that I’m in here, he never feels the need to. I could be standing naked in the middle of the room and he wouldn’t be able to burn that image out of his head. That would be the day where his embarrassment would’ve created a permanent fixture of remembering the importance of knocking on a door. It’s courteous. It’s considerate. It’s smart.

“Who is it?” I call out.

“It’s me.” Ah, yes, Mr. Boston boy!

“Come in.”

The door opens and he emerges onto the carpet, keeping his hand on the knob. He notices me sitting on the floor. “You, uh, you okay?”

I cock my head at him. “Yeah, why?”

“Because you’re sitting on the floor.”

“Because I couldn’t find the energy to flop down on my bed after moving everything around.”

“I see.” He looks skeptical.

“Still find me weird?”

“Yeah, definitely. Hey, listen. Laf’s here. He says he’s got something to give you.”

“Laf?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, what is it?”

“I don’t know. You gotta go see it for yourself.”

What is this? What could he, out of all people, have to give me?

I gather myself off the floor and drag my feet on the carpet, following Jimmy out into the hallway. He was right. Gosh, I haven’t seen him since the funeral. It feels like years.

I walk past Jimmy to approach him first. He’s standing by the far side of the island. “Hey.” It comes out as a combination of curiosity and surprise.

“Hey, Abb.”

“How, uh, how are you?”

Alexis looks around the apartment before back at me. “Good. I’m, uh, I’m flying back to Quebec in a few hours, so I’m not gonna be back in the states for a little while. I was cleaning out Ryan’s apartment for the new tenants and I came across this.”

I don’t even pay attention to what he’s holding. I ask the more important question first. “Wait, what do you mean you were cleaning out his apartment? They just decided to end his lease?”

He coughs. “Well, yeah. I mean, he’s not there. Landlord needs to clear out space.”

Yeah, I’m not buying it.

“Since I had his spare key, I spent a few days cleaning out what I could. I was looking through his room, and it took me forever, but I found something stored away in the back of his dresser.”

It’s when I look down at his hands and notice he’s holding a light blue bag. It’s got white tissue paper sticking out and a lime green envelope.

It’s my birthday present.

The one he forgot because he was in a rush.

The one he promised he would give to me after practice the next day.

And he broke that one, too.

I stare at it, wondering if I should even accept it. It’s two months overdue. I meet Alexis’ eyes. “You didn’t think to give this to me sooner?” My voice is riled with hesitation.

“There was never a right time. The funeral, the wake. Everything was happening so quickly that I wasn’t sure if I was going to bother. I had it sitting in my room for the longest time before I remembered that I was leaving, and it’s not like anyone else would’ve been able to get it. That’s why I’m here.”

“Did you peak?”

“No. It’s wrapped up pretty good. Your guess is as good as mine.”

I outstretch my arm to release the gift bag from his grip. I continue looking at it, as if there’s an unwanted surprise that’s going to jump out and scare me.

“You don’t have to open it now,” he says. “It’s whatever you want.”

I turn to look at Jimmy. He’s sitting against the back of the sofa. “Yeah, Abb, you don’t have to do it now. It’s probably something that would mean more if it were just you that opened it.”

I sigh, thinking over my options. I’ve done everything on my own for this long. This should be shared with someone else. It was the original intention anyway.

“No, I’ll open it now.” I pull out a chair from the island and sit down, deciding if I should focus on the card first or the actual gift at hand. I settle on the card. The writing will probably throw me in for a quick waterworks show. Shocker.

If you ever looked at Ryan first glance, you would assume that his physical appearance would indicate that he was very tough and manly. You could indicate based on his tone of voice that he was always so stoic and serious; never had time to joke around, didn’t seem like the type of person to let themselves have fun. Oh, you would’ve been so wrong.

I wouldn’t say that he was the absolute best at giving gifts, but I told him to never go over the top, whether it be for Christmas, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, our one and only anniversary. Did he ever listen to me, though? No. I’m about to be proven that.

I tap my fingers on the envelope, flipping it upside down and opening it. I wiggle the card out and turn to look at the front. It’s got an animated illustration of two cats. One’s playing with a ball of yarn and the other’s watching from afar on the couch. I don’t realize the destroyed birthday cake in the bottom corner. The cat on the couch has a speech bubble above its head, saying “The sweetest of lives are lived with you.”

Alright, here it goes.

I open the card to read what’s in the middle. “Here’s to the rest of them. Happy Birthday.”

I drop it on the counter, head already in my hands. I let out a tiny squeak. This really is hitting a lot harder than I thought it would.

But it’s not over yet.

He filled up the whole card. Both sides.

If I’m being honest, Ryan would sometimes be an annoying little shit because he would choose not to communicate his feelings verbally, so that’s when he resorts to writing it out, whether through a card or a quick text or even on a Post-It note. He never ignored me deliberately. I’d give him some time for him to sort them all out, and then when he was ready, he would come find me and we would talk about what was bothering him. He would always start off with “It’s not because of you.” And he really meant it.

I direct my eyes to the top of the card and begin reading.

Dear Abby,

Happy 24th! It feels as if I’ve known you in a past life, and it’s given me the privilege of replicating in the real one. I’m gonna be sappy real quick. Where do I start? Oh, yeah, thank you for literally being the BEST girlfriend, the BEST person, the BEST human that I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. I’m aware that I don’t tell you as often as I should, and that’s my fault, but you are everything to me. I’m fortunate to make you the happiest I’ve ever seen you, and you’re fortunate to make me the luckiest and most blessed man. I appreciate your mind and your heart; the way you care for everybody and only want what’s best for them, the way you’re never afraid to say what you want/need, the way you’ve become more comfortable as a player and a person, dealing with the consistent pressure to do well. You’ve handled it with such grace that I’m almost jealous, only because I wish I could do that. You are the greatest gift I could’ve ever received, so the one that I got you might finish in second place. Here I am to say that if not for you, I don’t know where I’d be. I guess the extra time of just remaining teammates and friends really paid off. I’m excited to celebrate with you and everyone else, and I can’t wait. You’re perfect. Just as you are. And to me, you always are. Excited for the next one. There is truly no one better, and there never will be. At least, not for me.

Love always,

I shove the card to the far edge of the countertop, distracting myself by ravaging through the gift bag like a hyper kid rushing through opening their presents on Christmas to see if they got the toys they asked Santa for. There’s two things. One is placed in a skinny, rectangular box, and the other is standing up, wrapped in blue tissue paper. It seems like it could be fragile, so I place it down gently on the counter without having it hang too close to the edge.

It almost seems like I’m opening the gifts by myself until I hear a shuffling noise in the background. It causes me to turn around in my chair. Laffy’s moved over to sit with Jimmy on the back of the couch. I furrow my eyebrows at them. “Why don’t you guys come over here and we can open it together?”

“We don’t wanna impose,” Alexis pipes up. “It’s not our business to know what he got you.”

“You’re not,” I say. “C’mon. Please?”

Both of them stand up and make their way to the kitchen area, still maintaining their space by hovering near the pantry. Good God, what are they so afraid of? What’s the worst they’ll have to do? Comfort me? Watch me cry? Grow up.

I start off with the box. I lift up the cover and my eyes are immediately drawn to the two presents inside that I don’t even know what to pick up first.

How about with tickets to Country Fest in Detroit Lakes in August?

He told me this was one of the reasons he always looked forward to summer. He went every year with friends and always had the best time. I kept mentioning that I would gladly go with him, even though I don’t religiously listen to country music like he did. Every time he’d drive us anywhere, it would always be on. He stuck to his true Midwestern roots, and never once let them go.

Is there even a point of using them now? He spent a good amount of money. I don’t want it going to waste. Maybe I’ll sell them or something. Why would I go when it’s not going to be intended quality time?

I reach to the second gift. I speculate on how to open it; that’s even if there’s a right way. I move the tissue paper, pushing it down until all of it hits the counter. The good news is that it’s not glass. Essentially, it’s two things in one. The first thing, giving way to its tall stature, was a rectangular pillow. It was red and white. Embroidered in large font and large letters, it read Abby & Ryan, and on the bottom, it read 05/22/2025. It had tiny red hearts protruding from each side. It looked stitched to perfection, handled with so much care.

I stare at it for a couple seconds before snapping myself out of my trance and looking to find the next part. I scoff. As if it couldn’t get any worse than a personalized pillow.

It’s a personalized photo blanket.

With what looks to be several 4x6 and 5x7 photos all meshed into each other.

On the top, it reads A different type of warmth that will never die.

On the back, this time in smaller font, it reads Happy birthday. You’ve warmed my heart, and now it’s time for me to return the favor. -R

Just when I think it’s over, it’s not.

A container of something spills out from the middle of the blanket and onto the floor. I reach down from my chair to pick up. I see a tag attached to what looks like to be a bottle. I turn it over.

It’s his favorite cologne.

I look at the tag.

In case for when you start to miss me.

My lip starts to quiver, but I bite it so hard to prevent myself from a meltdown in front of one more person. I look over at the two men still lingering by the pantry. They’re looking along as well.

“Those are really nice, Abb,” Jimmy says. “Guess he meant it when he said you should’ve opened it in front of him.”

“Are you glad to have gotten them?” Alexis asks. “He really knew you like the back of your hand.”

I turn in my chair and face the both of them, one eye focusing on each. “Yeah, he did,” I mutter.

I stand up and grab the gifts, stopping myself in my tracks before heading to my room. I look at Alexis and attempt to sound as grateful as I can. “Thanks for stopping by,” I say. “I’ll see you around. Be safe.”

He folds his mouth into a grimace and nods his head. “Of course,” he responds quietly. He reaches past me to retrieve the card off the counter. “You almost forgot this.”

I take it from his hand. “Thanks.” I walk past him and into my room, shutting the door. I let out a long, frustrated sigh. I quickly walk over to the deep, dark closet before I can change my mind, and lackadaisically throw the pillow and blanket on top of his equipment, shutting the door immediately. As for the card, cologne, and concert tickets, I walk in a different direction, this time to my nightstand drawer, and toss them in, closing it loudly. Sliding down the side of my bed, I find myself present on the carpet again, staring out at the balcony. It’s stopped raining, but everything is wet. Dreary. Diminished.

“You stupid son of a bitch,” I whisper under my breath. “You stupid fucking idiot. Can’t use this shit now. Couldn’t have held on for one more day, right? Took the easy way out, like Jim said? Forget how I feel. No one could understand. I mean, I’m sure you could. But you’re not here, so it doesn’t fucking matter.”

I hear mutters of conversation from the kitchen before I hear the door close. An exasperated sigh escapes Jimmy’s mouth. “Goddamn it,” I hear him say.

Well, at least we’ve finally agreed on something.

The unfortunate yet familiar footsteps creak outside my door. Another knock.

“What?”

“Do you want me to come in?” He sounds sad.

“Leave me alone.”

I don’t hear anything.

I try again. “You just gonna fuckin creep out there?”

“I was just gonna ask if you needed anything.”

“I need you to go the fuck away.”

“I-”

“JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO!”

The door opens.

Alright, time to kill him.

I hear his footsteps on the carpet. “Where are you?” his voice calls from behind me.

“Dead.”

He follows the trail of my voice and finds me sitting next to the nightstand and up against the bed. “Nice try.”

I shrug. “Not like it’d be hard.”

“Abb-”

“I told you to go away and you still don’t listen.”

“Because you’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, I think you are.”

“I literally just said I’m not.”

He kneels down on the carpet, sitting on his right leg. “What is wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Now, see. That’s a lie.”

“Oh, what the fuck do you know?”

“I know that you’re upset.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not.” He sounds legitimately serious.

“Yeah, I am. I think I can manage.”

“Have you, though?”

The tips of my ears start to burn.

“Not in the way you want me to.”

Got him there once again.

“I think you should talk to someone.”

What an absolute abomination.

I heavily focus on the balcony, shifting my focus to the trees in the distance past the buildings. “I absolutely do not. I already talk to you.”

“Yeah, barely.”

Okay, it was in due time he returned the hypocrisy back to me.

“It’s like you don’t wanna talk about it. You can’t let it eat you up for so long. Everything’s going to come out one way or another.” Wow, how inspiring for a man who went to a fucking Ivy League, Daddy’s money funded institution. The advice can seriously not get any better.

“Is it finished eating you up, or has it never bit you to begin with?”

Jimmy sighs. “It lingers around from time to time.”

“Then you can’t tell me to spill it all out. I don’t have anything to say.”

“So all of your underlying feelings are gone for good?”

Pause.

“You’re brave enough to leave out the pillow and blanket on your bed?”

Another pause.

He motions to stand up. “That’s exactly what I thought. Seriously, though, you should talk to somebody. It doesn’t have to be me, but I think it’d feel a little less heavy if you expressed how you feel. You know?”

I look up at him, my eyes seething with rage that is invisible to him. “No, I don’t know,” I snap. “Maybe you should talk to someone to help with your nosiness.”

He laughs.

“I’m not kidding, Jim. You need to give me space. Still haven’t learned that, either. Who ever knew you were so stubborn?”

“I give you space. You’re always locked away in here. It’s like there’s nowhere better you’d wanna be.”

Actually, there is one alternative.

He continues. “You do know you are allowed to leave here, right? You can go out and drive around the city for a little bit. You can go to the park and feed the ducks. Hell, we could maybe go out and get dinner once in awhile. Have you ever thought about the idea that we haven’t spent any time together?”

I roll my eyes. “That’s all we do.”

He shakes his head quickly from side to side. “No, Abby, I mean really spend time together. I’m talking about actually walking around Manhattan and spending the afternoon acting like tourists or going for a quick run around the block. I feel that I’m somewhat confined here too because you refuse to leave.”

I blink at him, then look away.

“Just think on it, okay? Remaining trapped in here isn’t going to make anything easier. I think it’d be good for us to go out and get some air. Obviously, not today, but sometime in the near future.”

“You have no idea what’s good for me.”

He sighs frustratedly. “You’re right. I don’t. But I think a step in this direction might have us both uncover what actually is.”

I don’t say anything.

“Wanna give it a shot?”

I lift up my hands and slap them against my knees. “Fine.”

“Okay. And with that, I will now leave you alone.”

Finally.

He walks across the carpet again and grabs hold of the door, shutting it quietly behind him. The footsteps disappear.

I have to admit, he’s not wrong. I have been making the decision to stay in the apartment. It’s not helping me, but it’s what I’ve adjusted to. Why change the routine when it’s working? No one else needs to agree. No one has to support it. No one has to approve. I’m choosing how I deal with it. And it’s enough.

The rest of the day is spent in my own head. I don’t even attempt to start another conversation with him. All he’s gonna do is talk about what he thinks I need to change. I don’t wanna say that he’s trying to force it on me, but I just feel that constant pressure to be over it by now. Every single day has not been easy since. The saying “Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud” is exactly what he’s trying to do. He’s anything but a rainbow. More of a category 5 hurricane trying to wash everything away and take me with him.

It’s dark out now, the stars illuminating the sky. The post-rain air has made its way in. I’ve opened the balcony doors to cool down my room. The distant sound of traffic makes me temporarily miss being stuck in it. The bright LED lights on the store signs makes me tempted to go down and walk through the doors of one. The sturdiness of the black railing makes me want to sit on the edge and drop from it.

But I won’t. That’s too easy.

In fact, I know an easier way.

The closet has made its return. I open the door and grab the pillow and blanket, tossing them to the floor behind me. Stepping over them, I walk in the opposite direction to the nightstand where I placed the card, cologne, and concert tickets. I take all three and place the tickets inside the card. As for the cologne, I wrap it up in the blanket. I pick everything up off the floor and make my way out to the balcony. I stand there for a few moments, clutching it all tightly against my chest. I can’t bear to hold onto it. My arms are getting tired. Everything about me is just tired. It never seems to end. Two months later and he’s still finding a way to haunt me, this time through gifts that I cannot utilize. You know what? Maybe it was a good thing I had to wait so long to get them. They sure weren’t going to help me anyway.

I drop everything over the balcony, watching it fall to the concrete. Then, I shut the doors and close the curtains. I do the same thing with the closet and crawl my way into the bed, turning off the lamp. If I am not allowed to enjoy these things to my fullest potential, then no one else will be allowed to. Fuck him.

As I drift off to sleep, I can’t help but think about a random stranger finding them on the sidewalk and just stealing it for themselves. All of that is personalized. It was just for me. Doesn’t matter. It can make someone else happy now. There’s no coming back from that, and I don’t think that I’m ever going to.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The chirpy birds serve as my alarm as I keep my head buried in my pillow. “God, leave me alone,” I mumble.

The sun has returned, as I see it peaking on the carpet. There’s only so much light that can protrude through before it becomes an eyesore. Aggravated weekend traffic has resumed, given the nonstop honking. It helps to know that other people must’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed, too. Dragging myself out from under the covers, I sit on the side of the bed and vigorously rub my eyes. It’s clear the eyebags are still there. I’ve thought it would’ve become a permanent part of my physical appearance by now. Strands of hair fall next to my eyes, temporarily interfering with my ability to see. I push it out of the way and grip the bed, my feet landing on the carpet first before I stand myself up. Ignoring the closed curtains, I open one of the balcony doors and overlook the city before looking down at the spot where all of the gifts landed.

They’re gone.

Well, that’s a relief, I think to myself. The worst case scenario would have it still be lying there. At least it held enough value for someone to take it. Whoever that person was, they definitely hit the jackpot. Enjoy.

I walk back into my room and shut the door, keeping the curtains where they are. Making my way toward the actual door, I handle the knob before emerging out into the kitchen. There’s something on the counter. It looks big. It’s definitely taking up space. However, it doesn’t look edible, so it’s not breakfast. I walk a little further to get a better look.

First, I’m met with the judgmental eyes of the man of the year. His hands are planted on the counter. I can see his veins. I’ll go under the assumption that he’s building some type of tension there.

And then I’m met with the pillow. And the blanket. And the card. And the cologne. And the concert tickets.

“You’ve got some explaining to do.” I can tell he’s so over it. You’re not the only one.

“No, I really don’t.” I walk over to the living room area, looking out the window so that I don’t have to face him. “How did you even find it?”

“I’m not an idiot, Abby. I was taking out the trash and I saw everything lying there. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking to get rid of it.”

“Why on earth would you do that?”

“Because I don’t need it.”

“Hey, you know how much he must’ve spent on all of that to give it to you?”

“Yeah, well, he never did, did he?”

Another deafening silence.

“You could at least store it so that it’s not just lying away.”

“Oh, yeah, for it to only collect dust? What a real smart idea.”

“It’s better than having it spread out on the concrete in Manhattan.”

“I was doing myself a favor.”

“Which was what?”

“Getting rid of him.” I move to the other window on the other side of the TV, still avoiding any type of contact.

“I don’t think that’s the right way to do that.”

“I don’t give a damn what you think.” I raise my voice in the slightest octave. “Why can’t you just let me do things the way I want to? You keep trying to save something that’s already gone. There’s no need to salvage it.”

“You can’t replace these things.”

“It’s not a matter of replacing. It’s a matter of letting go. Something you’ve already done.”

“And something you’re not even remotely close to doing, so why start now?”

Ouch.

“Abb, you need to get help.”

Here we go again.

“I don’t need help.”

“Yeah, you do. If you were thinking clearly, you wouldn’t have even thought of throwing away those memories.”

“They’re not memories, they’re pity prizes.”

“Fine, call them whatever you want. In the meantime, I’m gonna call someone who can work this out with you.”

“No.”

“You have not left this place since the day we got back from the funeral. Go out, get some air, and I’m not talking about just standing on the balcony. I mean really go out and take some time for yourself.”

“Oh, you’re not gonna join me?” I reply sarcastically. “That’s a first.”

“I’m worried about you.”

Those words cause me to turn and look at him. “Now you’re worried about me? A month ago, you wished that I was dead, but all of a sudden, you care? Your empathy’s been restored? Your heart’s finally started beating again?”

“Your’s hasn’t.”

Ouch again.

“I can’t stand to see you like this,” Jimmy says. “We need to figure something out.”

We? I thought this time, it’d be me. You know, since it’s been us against each other.

“Not now.”

“Okay, fine, not now, but soon. I don’t wanna go out one day and come back here and see you passed out on the floor.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Oh, I think I do.”

“Jim, I promise that you don’t.”

He lifts his hands from the counter, moving them to his hips. “How do I not know that you throwing that stuff off the balcony was alluding to someone else doing the exact same thing?”

“Because it’s not.”

He rolls his eyes. “I give up with you. Really, I do.”

I just stare back at him.

He walks over to the direction of where I’m standing by the window, positioned toward the door as if he’d leave. “I am letting you know right now that if you ever, ever, ever try to pull something like that on me, and I’m the one that finds you, and they’re not able to get you back, I will never forgive myself. You understand? I know that I seem like a helicopter whirring over you, but seriously, it’s in my best interest. I know that you don’t trust me right now, and that’s fine. I’m just gonna put it out there and say that doing what you might want to do as a last resort and getting away with it, if you fail, it’s going to take a long time to earn my trust back. I’ve always been here for you, and it’s only fair you do the same. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Directing himself back to the kitchen, Jimmy reaches into the pantry and pulls out a brown paper bag. He got bagels again.

“Pick the one you want and I’ll throw it in the toaster,” he instructs.

With slight hesitancy, I make my way to the island, peering through the bag. It smells so good, so fresh. I think Sunday bagel breakfasts should be a little tradition that we start. I’ll ask him at a better time. Choosing the sesame seed bagel, I give it to Jimmy, who cuts it down the middle and pops it in the toaster. He does the same to his bagel. This time, he chose an everything one. I’m surprised he deterred from the plain. You’d think it’d be impossible for him to give up that consistent routine of picking it, but I won’t call him out. I always thought plain bagels were boring, and the man that loves them is surely not.

“Jim?”

He turns around, not even looking at me. He’s handing me a plate. “Yeah?”

“Are you really that worried about me?”

A disgruntled sigh leaves his mouth. “Abby, I literally did not sleep that night because even I couldn’t figure out what was really going on. Frequently, I can’t sleep because I think about how you might not wake up after I find out you’ve done something to yourself. I don’t like the change in mood. I’m not blaming you by any means, but I’ve noticed that it’s become a little more drastic and I just wish that I could have a bigger role in stopping its growth.”

“Then just watch me sleep from now on,” I reply. “You’ve done it before.”

He scoffs. “C’mon, I’ve never done that.”

“I once heard my door open while I was sleeping and then shut like 20 seconds later. It would’ve been impossible if someone wasn’t there to twist the knob.”

Another sigh. “Okay, fine, it was me.”

I smile. “No shit, Sherlock. Do you want me to move in your room, share a bed? I call left side.”

He laughs. “I’m good. Plus, it would be your turn of invading my privacy.”

I bat my eyes at him. “Yeah, but I’d only be trying to help you, right?”

“Fuck off,” he responds, and I giggle.

The toaster dings and Jimmy turns around, taking out both bagels. He hands mine over to my plate and slides the cream cheese over. “I know you’d never voluntarily take butter.”

I take a knife and open the container, sticking it in and spreading it on the first half. “You know what’s funny? I always thought you were a butter guy.”

He shakes his head. “Nah, it’s too much sodium for my liking. You can buy several flavors of cream cheese, while butter just remains the same. It gets redundant after awhile.”

“Like me?”

There goes the puppy-dog eyes. That’s when I know he’s about to be serious with his words. “Anyone but you.”

Anyone but you.

Anyone but me.

The world could end tomorrow and he’d probably want to spend the last few minutes with me, wouldn’t he?

I don’t think so. Nice try.

Breakfast is quick and quiet as always. I don’t even end up finishing all of my bagel. I tell him that I’ll save it for later. Both of us know that’s not true.

I get up from my chair and motion toward my room. That is until I forget the gifts are still sitting on the counter. No. I don’t wanna bear the weight of them in my arms again. I’d be carrying the burden right back in when I don’t need it. However, I’ve somewhat succumbed to the thought already. Would it really make a difference?

Picking up from where I left off, dead in my tracks, I lift my feet again and head toward my place of solace. Again, it can’t hurt me if I don’t see it. Well, that doesn’t apply to everything, but whatever.

Shutting the door, I walk over to the nightstand and grab the remote, turning on the TV and flipping through the channels. Brain rotting for the rest of the day sounds better than talking about nothing.

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday was the same.

Tuesday was too.

Wait, what day comes after Tuesday? Last time I checked, I was repeating the same cycle over and over.

I’m awoken not by my alarm, but my phone lighting up my home screen. It sent me a notification. It’s a message.

And of course, who else would it be from?

It reads Ran out to get us Dunkin. I’ll be back in a little bit

How long is a little bit? Ten minutes? Thirty minutes? An hour? Ten hours? Hell, not coming back at all?

I drag myself out of bed and head straight for the door, opening it to walk the short distance into the bathroom. I shut the door and turn on the light. Staring at myself in the mirror, I evaluate my reflection. She’s unrecognizable again. The hair is too messy, the face is forming boarders of stress zits (at least that’s what I suppose), the eyebags look a little heavier, skin a little paler, brain more foggier.

I grip my hands on the sink and wander my eyes down to the counter. Jimmy was obviously in here before he left. His toothbrush looks to be drying and a razor sitting on the marble countertop.

I pick up the razor, looking down at the shiny blade with what feels like not a wave of exhaustion, but a wave of dehydration coming over me. It occurs that I never filled up my water bottle before I went to bed. I could always get up in the middle of the night and refill it, but I don’t wanna wake him. Besides, I’ve never felt comfortable being active in the late night hours. How weird to be awake when everyone else is asleep.

My vision starts to blur, and I immediately grab the counter for support. I crouch down onto the floor an lay my legs down on the bathmat and my head back against the wall, shutting my eyes. Gosh, I’m freezing. It’s not like the A.C. is on. I blindly fumble for the razor that’s still sitting on the sink, feeling it fall into my lap. I press the blade to my face, feeling the cool metal rest on some part of my body. Surely, it will help.

But it doesn’t.

I move it to my kneecaps. Nope, not there, either.

I pin it to my wrist. That’s the spot.

The feeling of goosebumps take over my body, legs shaking at the sensation. I still can’t see clearly. Shutting my eyes again, the blade traces around my wrist. I still feel cold.

One slow, steady motion.

And then another.

A rapid gasp escapes my mouth, settling into the intruding warmth. Now I feel better.

Until I don’t.

Between the dizziness and the absence of sharp metal doing everything it can to keep me warm, my head slides off the wall and hits the floor. It’s at a cool temperature. I don’t feel myself starting to slow down, but my eyes are pressed closed. I can feel my lips slowly part.

I see him. He’s smiling. He’s been waiting for me. “There you are, babe. I hated waiting this long. Let’s go finish the story we never got to write.”

I take a weak yet deep breath. “Okay.”

And then he’s guiding me past the gates.

Or so I think.

He disappears. Where did he go? I guess this pattern of leaving continues in the afterlife.

Or so I think again.

He comes back with his A bracelet. He smirks. “You really thought I left without it, huh?”

I shake my head, smiling. “But I did.”

“Don’t worry about that. That’s what this place is for. It’s all about fresh starts.”

A fresh start, you say?

“I can’t believe you’d do that for me,” he continues.

I look into his bright blue eyes. “I had no other choice.”

“Of course you did.”

“And what was that?”

“To live.”

I look back at him with a blank stare.

He grabs me by the hand. “Live for me.”

I sigh. “But I already did.”

“No, you didn’t. You’ve barely even started.”

“I can’t do it.”

“Sure you can. You’ve done it for 2 months already. It’s just the rest of your life to go.”

“That’s a long time.”

“You know what? Maybe it is. Soon enough, you’ll be here when you need to. But not right now.”

“What do you mean?”

I see the gates open. He turns around, dragging me by the arm.

“Go live for me, will you?”

I try to escape his grip. “No, no, I can’t do it again! Why can’t I just come with you?”

“Because that’s not how this is going to work.”

“Well, then, how is it going to work?”

“It starts with you waking up each day and me not being the first thought. You’ll move on from there.”

“But I don’t want to!” I yell in earshot.

“Gonna have to, babe,” he responds. “You’ve got people waiting for you.”

‘Yeah, like who?”

“Your family, the team, anyone that you have ever known is anxiously awaiting your return.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“Then why do I see you lying down on the gurney in the back of an ambulance?”

What?

“Why does Jim’s face look red, like he’s just finished crying?”

But he’s never cried. What is he even doing here?

“Why are you intubated?”

I don’t know.

“Why did your heart stop beating again?”

It’s never beaten since you’ve left.

“Why are paramedics pushing down on your chest?”

It’s a lost cause.

“Okay, never mind, babe, you came back. Whew! That was a close one.”

Damn it.

“Oh, the ambulance stopped! I think we’re here!”

Great.

“Hey! New York Presbyterian! I died here! What makes me think they’re gonna save you?”

I hope they don’t.

“You know what, Abby? You might have actually gotten your wish.”

God do I hope so.

“Aw man, do you see Jim’s face? Look at it. He looks scared out of his mind, like he saw a ghost or something. I’ve never seen him like that.”

Me either.

“Yeah, you might wanna turn around and walk back through these gates. Once you wake up, he’s gonna kill you.”

I’d dare to see him try.

“You’re really brave for doing this on his birthday. What a great present for him to have, right?”

Oh, no.

Wait.

Oh, my God.

I forgot about that.

“Still wanna go back?”

No.

Anywhere but there.

“Help me,” I manage to say.

“Oh, honey, I can’t help you,” he begins. “But I can guide you, make sure you don’t do anything like that ever again.”

“I wanna go with you.”

“No, you failed this time. You’re not ready.”

“But I am.”

“You will be very soon.” He kisses my hand. “I gotta go. Do me a favor and wake up, yeah?”

And that’s exactly what I do.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My eyes struggle with fluttering open, but I feel another cool metal surface beneath my hands. It definitely doesn’t feel like the bathroom.

It’s quiet. I can hear distant murmurs, but none of them can be picked up on in a close distance.

I wiggle my fingers and then my toes. My vision slowly starts to come back, too.

The first thing I notice is the grippy socks that are covering my feet. They’re blue. They barely fit. Something’s not right.

After that, I look at the closed door. There are signs on the back of it, depicting a pain scale and informational resources. Physically, my pain is a 10. Emotionally, my pain is a 10 too, thanks for asking.

On my left side, there’s a sink with a long countertop and numerous cabinets. I wonder what’s in them.

I start to feel like I’ve been stripped of my clothes. That’s because I have been.

I look down ay my legs and notice I’m covered in a cotton gown. It’s got blue and white designs. I’m starting to feel warm again.

My wrists feel tight, and that’s because of the bandages and gaws that are taped down. It’s difficult to move them around. Wait a minute. Why do I have bandages on?

I take a deep breath and divert my gaze into the corner. I see a shadow sitting in a chair. It’s slightly hunched over, their face buried in their hands. I don’t think it’s crying, but it sure looks discombobulated.

I don’t even know who it is.

The shadow lifts itself up from its bent position, sitting up straight now. I can hear the tapping of one of their shoes on the floor. A shaky breath, rubbing their hands on their thighs. A sniff of the nose. The feeling of their eyes watching me.

I look down at my right wrist. It’s got a bracelet on it. Only it’s not the one with the R in the middle.

It looks like an admitted bracelet.

It’s got my name, birthday, and unit that I’m placed in.

Emergency.

What happened?

I look back up to the shadow.

Only it’s not a shadow anymore.

There’s an actual person sitting there.

An actual person has come to see me? Oh, how sweet.

That is until I get a better look.

At him.

Ryan was right.

Jimmy.

He’s actually sitting there.

RIght where I can see.

And it looks like it’ll be his turn to kill me.

His face is red, his body completely on high alert. He might just bounce out of that chair if someone opens up that door.

He doesn’t say anything. He looks at me with the darkest set of eyes I have ever seen. It’s like they’ve lost their sparkle, their shine. Let’s just say they’ve gone lifeless.

He’s not the only one.

I stare back at him. I can feel my glasses on my face, helping me see him better. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if I’ve ever noticed him look so utterly hopeless. Not until this moment, at least.

I don’t say anything either. I’m waiting for one of his sarcastic, knife-stabbing words to take a dagger at my heart. You know, the one that literally stopped beating? That’s a first occurrence where I don’t have to live in a figurative state of mind.

Everything about him looks absolutely disheveled. His face, his clothes, his hands that are holding so much tension right now, given that I can see his veins, that I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to strangle me and have me go for another round.

But he doesn’t budge.

And with sudden abruptness, as the door starts to open, he quietly says these three words.

“You promised me.”

I just sit there, no change in expression. Wait, what did I promise him?

Both an ER doctor and nurse emerge from behind the door. The doctor is a middle-aged man, probably not too much older than Jimmy. The nurse is a woman with her shiny blonde hair in a slick ponytail. She’s got pink and purple pens sitting in her coat pocket. Neither of them look excited. Instead, sad.

The doctor opens his mouth as the nurse shuts the door. “Hi, I’m Dr. Sanderson.” He points to the nurse. “And this is Dr. Rileston. She’s gonna take some of your vitals real quick.”

I adjust my sitting position on the bed, watching Dr. Rileston listen to my heart, both on my chest and upper back, “Elevated, but steady,” she reports.

Then she takes my blood pressure. “Elevated, but steady,” she repeats.

Then I have to follow the pink pen waving in front of my eyes. “Alert and functioning. Doesn’t look like there’s any signs of brain damage.”

Guess she’s a woman of few words. Concise and to the point.

That’s how I wish our conversations would go.

It’s time for Dr. Sanderson to possibly interrogate me. “Can you recall what you were doing before the attempt? Do you remember what happened? Anything helps, even if it’s the smallest detail.”

I swallow the saliva in my throat. “I don’t know,” I squeak out. “I was in the bathroom and then got dizzy, so I sat on the floor.”

“And you don’t remember taking anything with you?”

I pause. “No, but I did get cold.”

He clears his throat. “There was a profuse amount of bleeding from both your wrists when paramedics arrived. Not before your friend here found you.”

I’ve just made his most recent nightmare an actual reality.

“He said,” gesturing to Jimmy, “that you were pale and your lips were dry. Could it be that you were dehydrated before this?”

“That explains the dizziness, I guess,” I reply soft spokenly.

“He found a razor in your right hand. That was yours, I presume?”

I don’t answer.

“Based on the extent of the injury, we can assume that this was intentional?”

I don’t answer again.

“Yes.”

That didn’t come from me.

Dr. Sanderson turns his attention to Jimmy. “It was?”

He meets his eyes. They’re not glassy, but they might as well could be. “I’m completely positive.”

I hate him even more than I ever thought I did.

“Has she ever had thoughts of killing herself?”

“Yeah, she’s joked about it a couple times.”

I hate him.

“She lost her boyfriend in a car accident 2 months ago. Hasn’t been the same since.”

I hate you.

“Any changes in mood, appetite, lifestyle?”

Jimmy answers for me again because God forbid I should. Who cares? Let the man blabber on.

“She has her own place, but she’s been living with me for the time being. Appetite’s been the same, but I’ve noticed her not eating as much, let alone finishing her meals. I’ll say that her mood tends to differ, but honestly, she’s been upset and sounds a little hopeless that nothing will get better. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have done this.”

It feels like a knife being stabbed to the heart.

“Are you concerned about her inflicting harm on yourself or others?” Dr. Sanderson asks.

I look at him, and then at Jimmy.

“She’s already done so, just not physically. But to answer the question, no, I am not.”

Did he really have to mention that first part? Of course he did.

“Well, we have two options here,” Dr. Sanderson continues. “We can keep her here under 48-72 hour watch and then refer her to grief counseling, where they’ll prescribe her treatment, or we can get someone in here to clean and bandage up the cuts, give you the referrals, and then you’ll be on out of here.” He looks at Jimmy. “It’s up to you.”

Wait.

It’s not up to me?

“Given her current status, we’d feel more comfortable if someone else were to make the decision. The situation can account for not being in the right mental space to think about something like that.”

Seriously?

“If I were to keep her here, she’d have to be admitted, right?”

Oh, don’t tell me-

Dr. Sanderson nods. “We’d admit her to the ICU, have a nurse check in on her about every hour or so, perhaps bring a psychiatrist down and speak with her about options to seek help.”

God, I hate that word.

I can tell that Jimmy’s concentrating. I don’t think he’s even afraid of saying the wrong thing. If he wants to get the hell away from me, get some temporary freedom, maybe it’s his best choice to have me stay.

He catches me looking. Please, please don’t do what I think you might. However, he has every option to do so. As we’ve already established, I’m not in control of this decision because I’m too weak, too empty minded. What kind of patient care is this? I swear it has to be some sort of hoax. It’s gotta be, right? No.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll let her get bandaged up.”

Oh, thank God.

Dr. Sanderson tilts his head, perhaps in uncertainty. “You certain?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy replies. “She’s not a danger to anyone.”

“But do you think she is to herself?”

“I don’t think she ever will be again after this.”

He sighs. “Alright, then. We’ll have a nurse come in and clean the cuts, then stitch them up.”

Jimmy clears his throat. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Dr. Sanderson replies. He and Dr. Rileston walk out the door, shutting it behind them.

The sound of noise coming from the hallway is the only one that fills the room. I hear a loud, frustrated sigh, face buried in hands again.

I stare up at the clock. It’s a little past 11:30. It feels like we’re here at night, but my mind is playing tricks on me. I want to get out of here.

Neither one of us thinks about talking. He’s too distraught, and I can’t take back what I did. I can’t justify it. I will say this, though: He is definitely having a harder time at grasping this than I am. Did he seriously think it wouldn’t happen? I literally warned him.

There’s a knock on the door. A woman enters. She’s got curly brown hair and glasses. “Hi, I’m Dr. Cole,” she says. “We’re just gonna clean and sterilize these cuts and then bandage them up good as new. I’m just gonna remove these gaws, okay?”

I don’t even nod. Instead, I zone out on the posters plastered on the wall. Then, I decide to close my eyes. Perhaps I can transport myself into another world where I meet with him under different circumstances. That was until I feel the rubbing alcohol make contact with my left wrist, making me wince.

“Yeah, it might sting a little bit. Just gotta hang in there.”

Oh, I’ll try.

Jimmy can’t even bear to look at me. He’s got his phone in between his hands, probably texting the group chat (you know, the one without me, of course) about what happened. Then again, it is everybody’s business, right?

I don’t know it took me this long to see this, but he’s got my purse resting on his lap. He seriously thought to bring it? Okay.

Dr. Cole moves her spinny chair over to my right wrist, starting the cleaning process. I turn away from the both of them, staring at the cabinets. I wonder what hospitals really keep in there. I’ve never seen them open, let alone be touched. Are they just there for show? The rubbing alcohol burns my skin again, so I clench my left hand into a fist, digging my fingernails into my palm, forming tiny crescents. It’s only a few seconds before she applies this cream onto my cut, taking away the uncomfortable sensation. She goes back to my left side and does the same for my other one. Finally, she takes the bandages resting on the tray and unwraps the roll, cutting it with scissors at an appropriate length before lifting my wrist and rolling it around tightly until it ends. She repeats the procedure once more.

“Given the depth of the cuts, there is a possibility they might scar if you don’t take care of them,” she says. “You’ll want to clean them out with rubbing alcohol and any kind of anti-inflammatory cream. It will decrease the current bits of swelling and the risk of infection.”

Great. Another thing to keep on top of.

She gives me a sympathetic smile, but I barely look at her. “You’re all set. One of you will just need to sign out at the front desk, and then Dr. Sanderson told me to remind you about doing research on certain grief counselors in the area. He’s already got a list printed out.”

Jimmy nods. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” She shuts the door behind her.

I sit up from the bed, my legs dangling off of it. I hold on to the tiny bit of courage I have to speak. “Do you know where my clothes are?”

He reaches underneath his chair, my pajamas scrunched up in a plastic bag. Yeah, that totally doesn’t elicit a similar memory.

He extends his arm out for me to grab it. “I’ll let you change,” he mutters, not even looking at me, as he stands up and opens the door, shutting it quietly behind him. I don’t hear the footsteps fading away. He’s seriously trying to guard me? When will it end?

I notice that he took my purse with him. Does he not know I could easily wear it myself? Why can’t I just get through to him? It’s exhausting.

I undo the knot on the back of the gown and shimmy my way out of it, the only thing remaining on being my underwear. I open the bag and fumble for my bra, T-shirt, and shorts. Oh, and don’t forget the slippers (Yeah, he totally picked those out. I guess those would be the easiest to put in there). After I’ve put everything on, I take one last look around the room. It’s a miracle he chose to let me leave. Someone in their right mind would have me remain here against my will, but I don’t think it would do him any better if he wouldn’t be around to check on me. Guess I’ve signed up for more of his helicopter “parenting.”

Opening the door, I slowly walk out, looking around for him. Where the heck did he go?

And then I spot him at the front desk with the receptionist. I would assume he’s signing me out. In his right hand, he’s holding what I believe to be Dr. Sanderson’s list and a bunch of brochures. Damn, he’s really not gonna give me the chance to explain myself, huh?

Then again, I’m not sure if this can be worth an explanation.

He turns around and notices me awkwardly hanging by the door, motioning his head toward the exit. Ah, I see we’re on no speaking terms again. I walk as quick as I can in my slippers and remain behind him. He’s literally walking so fast that it’s freaking me out. I’m afraid he’s actually planning on abandoning me.

Just as I think that, he stops dead in his tracks on the pavement outside the hospital. Turning around again and looking at me, I’m expecting him to start a scene. No, he wouldn’t do that. His self-control is too high. He walks a little closer, my heartbeat picking up speed, the opposite of what it did just around two and a half hours ago.

“I rode in the ambulance, so obviously, I can’t drive home. I’m gonna order an Uber, ‘kay?”

He sounds impatient, if anything, the tiniest amount of pissed off. I don’t even bother to respond.

We find a bench to sit on that surrounds the flowers growing in their own little corner. They’re so many different colors. The miniscule attention to detail when it comes to those things do not usually go unnoticed. They’re always so pretty that I wish I could pick one up from the dirt and take it home. I’m obviously not going to do it now, but it’s just a thought. It’s a nice distraction.

He’s looking out at the parking lot, watching cars roll on by, pull into an unoccupied spot, people entering and exiting. Anything he can do to avoid me. I don’t blame him.

“Could I have my purse, please?” I ask.

He flings it over to me, hitting me on the thigh. I bite my tongue, doing my very damn best not to cry. That action alone can signify he’s already given up on me.

I clutch it in my hands, my eyes already starting to burn. No. I will not let him win. Not today, at least.

Side-eyeing him, I can see he’s on his phone again, probably telling the group chat ‘Oh, hey, she’s walking free! Without being given any time to think about her decisions! Isn’t that great? Fuck yeah!’ His leg bounces like it’s an out-of-control bug that’s buzzing around a room. I wanna hold it down so it can stop, but I’m sure he’d lose his mind at the thought of me, out of all people, attempting to provide any comfort to him right now.

Our Uber shows up about 5 minutes later. At least it wasn’t too long of a wait. I don’t know how more I could’ve continued sitting next to someone who has all of their emotions bottled up and slowly leaking from a powder keg. If it won’t happen today, I’ve delayed the inevitable. And that’s my fault. I know.

Entering the backseat, I sit down quietly, putting on my seatbelt and listening to Jimmy giving the driver the address before we take off. I try to remove all of the voices in my head by staring out the window. The sun is shining at perhaps its highest angle of the day, and I’m not even halfway through it yet. It’s almost blinding, but maybe it can cleanse my eyes, help me see in a different light. Bad joke, sorry.

The drive is dead silent that you could hear a pin drop. I wanna jump out of a moving vehicle again. It feels like I’m suffering, as this could’ve been the worst punishment the universe chose to grant me. However, I think the worst punishment has already occurred. There’s no need for another one.

When we make it back to the apartment, both of us get out of the car and walk through the parking lot to get up to the entrance doors. He doesn’t even wait for me. That’s deserved.

I see him get in the elevator and watch the doors immediately close. It’s okay. I’ll wait for the next one. When the next one does arrive, I step in slowly, pressing the ‘4’ on the keypad. As the doors close again, this time around me, I have never felt more alone. I’m so used to him being next to me that I recently started to push him away without totally realizing it. It’s not like I reached my goal, but my actions and attitudes are continued catalysts for it to actually become a thing, where I’ll have to listen to him telling me to pack my things and go back home and to never come here again. Because I didn’t promise him.

The doors open and I walk out, tiptoeing down the hallway. The apartment door is still open, so at least he didn’t forget that I was still trailing behind. I thought it would be in his benefit to not let me in at all. Luckily, I have a key. Unless he actually locks it with the latch. I won’t have so much luck then.

Walking through the entrance, I notice the Dunkin sitting on the counter. He’s got his regular, bland, boring coffee, and for me a matcha latte. He knows how much I love it. There’s a corresponding bag next to it. I think there’s donuts in there, but at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever get to know.

He’s sitting on the couch. The TV’s not on, so I’m not sure what he’s staring at. I shut the door behind me and lock it. That’s enough to grab his attention and shift his frame to intimidate me once again.

“Get the hell over here,” he says gravelly.

I kick off my slippers and walk over hesitantly. I stand on the rug that’s beneath the couch.

“Sit down,” he continues.

I sit on the coffee table in front of him.

“Look at me.”

Again, why should I?

I do it anyway. His face isn’t red anymore, but you can tell the life has been drained right out of it. He doesn’t look relaxed; in fact, kinda the same way he did after we drove back from packing up my things at my condo.

“What-,” he begins, “in the hell,” he pauses, “is wrong with you?”

I shrug. “I don’t know.”

He scoffs angrily. “You don’t know? I’ll let the blood on the bathroom floor do the talking then.”

“I’m s-”

“Don’t give me that bullshit.” He seethes through his teeth. “You are not, and you sure as hell ain’t getting out of it this time.”

I look down at my bandaged wrists.

“How could you be so selfish?”

I continue looking down. “I wasn’t.”

“Really? That type of action doesn’t scream selfish to you?”

“No,” I whisper softly.

“What was that?”

“No.” I say it a little louder.

Another frustrated sigh makes its way out of his mouth. “Do you wanna hear my side of the story?”

I don’t, but I know he’s going to tell me anyway, rubbing more salt in the wound.

“I walked through the door, put everything down on the counter, and saw your bedroom door was open, so I thought you were in there. It didn’t take me long to see the bathroom door, though, was closed. So, I had to make a choice, figuring out where I thought you were. I chose the bathroom. I walk over to the door, knock on it, call out your name. No answer. I knock on it again. No answer. I notice it’s unlocked, so I open it, bracing myself to accidentally walk in on you using the bathroom as worse case scenario. I don’t even get to move it halfway before I just see you lying there, motionless, my razor in your hand.”

Can’t even imagine how he feels right now.

“It takes me a quick minute to notice the blood trickling on the floor, trying to figure out where the hell it’s coming from. I thought you might’ve accidentally ran into the wall or something and passed out.” He smiles as he scoffs. “Oh, boy, was I wrong.”

Can’t even look at him.

“So I back out of there, my hand literally shaking as I grab my phone on the counter, dial 911, speak to the operator, telling her my name, my address, why I’m calling, waiting for paramedics to arrive. They knock on the door. I let them in. They rush into the bathroom, hook you up to the Lifepak. The lead paramedic tells me you’re not breathing. He says it’s perhaps due to the amount of blood you lost. I watch them lift you up on the gurney, buckle you in as I’m running into your room to grab your things. The bed’s not made, the blinds aren’t open, nothing’s the way it should be. I grab your slippers to make sure you have shoes to walk in. I grab my things off the counter and follow them out. My heart is beating one million miles a minute. I feel like I might as well have a heart attack in that moment to be dramatic.”

Still can’t.

“And we’re in the back of the ambulance, literally clenching your purse in my hands, wondering if this is all I’m gonna have left of you. They got your heart back, and then you flatlined. Four minutes.”

I can feel his eyes burning into my face somehow.

“Pushing down on your chest, fighting to get you back. And they did. The only thought I had in that moment was having to attend another funeral.”

Well, good thing you don’t now.

“Got to the hospital. They dragged you out of the back and onto the pavement, rushing you in while I slowly followed behind. Heck, I was so close to just not walking in at all. But, if I remember correctly, I said that we have to be there for each other, and I can’t go back on my word. You did.”

I know that.

“The emergency trauma unit brings you to your own room. They unstrap you from the gurney, get you changed out of your clothes, get you your own bracelet. Meanwhile, here I am, sitting in the chair, you sitting in the bed, eyes closed, an IV jabbed into your arm, hooked up to monitors so that your body doesn’t get another chance to crap out.”

I didn’t even hear the sound of a monitor when I woke up.

“The paramedics bandaged you up in the bathroom. I’m looking at them. They’re almost blood-soaked red. It makes me wince. It makes me wanna wake you up myself and take that knife I pointed at your chest and move it to your throat.”

We’re really bringing that back? I thought we were past it.

Guess not.

“And I got to wondering: how do I make the best of this situation? There’s always a silver lining, right? Wrong.”

Damn.

“You could’ve fucking died, and I would’ve been the last one to see you. I thought that maybe I shouldn’t have left the apartment. I should’ve stayed. I feel responsible, even though there’s no logical reason for me to.”

I stare down at the carpet, distracting myself with the patterns.

“Finally, like the grace of God, and the grace of the universe, you woke up. I knew you would. You had to. Why? Because I was not letting you leave without hearing from me first.”

Of course you wouldn’t.

“By the way, the reason I didn’t let you stay is because for these past two months, you have never been good at doing things alone. I don’t wanna get a call in the middle of the night to find out you’ve flatlined again or worse. We’ve already been here on the other side of things, having to wait for news. This time, we were part of the actual event. Again, I still waited. You, however, were tired of waiting.”

Jimmy shifts on the couch, sitting up from what was his lackadaisical posture, and sits up straight, moving toward the edge of the cushion. He takes his hands and places them on my kneecaps. His palms have taken their turn to start burning. That gesture alone reluctantly makes me break the avoidance and I look straight at him, brown eyes lacking so much life. I grip my hands on the table.

His voice returns to normal, less agitation and still the same amount of seriousness, but it’s somewhat shifted elsewhere. “I’m going to look through those brochures, and the names that Dr. Sanderson has on that paper, and I’m gonna research and see which place has the best reviews, the best people to see, the best outcome they can give you. This is non-negotiable. No more excuses, no more outs. No more hospital visits. I’ve only been saying it for so long. You need help, and now you’re getting it.”

The only thing I can manage to do is blink. “Sorry.”

He looks at me apologetically. “But you’re not. If you were, you never would’ve done it. We both know that.”

I can’t even nod. I just look away.

“C’mon,” he says, removing his hands and standing up. My knees are hot. “You gotta drink something.” He motions over to the counter, holding my matcha.

I get up and walk over to him, taking it from his hand. I rip the paper covering off the straw and poke it through the middle of the cup, taking a small sip. I could say that matcha does cure all sadness, but right now, it doesn’t.

Jimmy takes the donuts out of the bag. One’s double chocolate, the other’s strawberry frosted. He folds the bag over on the counter. I guess we’re using it as our plate. The strawberry one is definitely for me. Taking a bite, I savor the feeling of the icing and sprinkles relishing in my mouth. Some of them are definitely gonna get stuck in there, but they’ll eventually find their way out.

He’s sipping his coffee while staring at the top brochure, then moving his gaze to the window. The wind is moving the leaves around in a swift manner. It’s calm. His mind is definitely not.

I feel the need to remind him. I still keep my quiet tone. “Happy Birthday.”

There is no reason for me to even say that after what just happened, but I can’t wait another year. What if everything’s different then? We might not speak, I might be moved back in. There’s too many possibilities. There’s one action I already regret, but this one, I don’t.

He just looks at me with the slightest of frowns. It’s a combination of dissatisfied and sad. He does the right thing by not responding.

So we sit in silence, eating what we could consider our lunch, given it’s already the afternoon, with the brochures becoming more appealing. At least he now gets to do his favorite thing.

Helping me.

#fictional jimmy vesey

3 notes · View notes

meetmyothersouls · 2 years

Note

Do we think there’s ever a time where reader gets jealous of dark!Timmy? Or where he purposely tried to get her to be jealous of someone he’s with???

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Part 6

Warnings: pregnancy, sickness, smut, toxicity, public sex & sexual favors, dark!timothee

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

You’d never been out of the country or even flown on an airplane, so you were excited, nervous and curious. Timothee took the time to let you experience it fully, letting you wander (within his range of sight) around the airport. You watched the planes fly off the landing and he bought you everything you wanted from each airport gift shop you arrived to. This was also your first interaction with a paparazzi. Timothee protectively kept his arm around you, while maintaining his image with his fans. He greeted them and introduced you as his fiancé. He made sure you were included in every situation, “would you like a picture with us,” making sure they knew you were a part of everything he was, because you were. It made you realize that you made the right choice: staying with him, having this baby with him. It also made you realize how foolish you had been for ever trying to leave in the first place - this man loved you endlessly and you tried to leave? Absurd.

You always heard stories of first-class sections of planes, but you’d never seen them. The first-class seats were more like small cabins, you and Timothee had your own room on this flight; complete with a bed, a small fridge stocked with drinks, a television, and a door. With a lock. With all the space and privacy, Timothee had a few ideas.

“People actually do this?” You said as the flight attendant turned off the lights in first-class.

“Yes, and we’re doing it, I want to experience it with you.” He told you, “It’s just like sex at home, accept we’re on a plane.”

You weren’t in the business of fighting it too much, along with being exhausted, the pregnancy made you extremely…well horny, and you wanted him all the time. Timothee loved it, and he worshiped you just as much as you worshipped him. Still, you were unsure, “it’s not…illegal right? We won’t get in trouble?”

“Just relax, let me take care of you, please?” He begged you sweetly, and you couldn’t say no as he looked up at you from in between your legs.

He made you cum five times before you pleasured him. His skin tasted sweet and slightly salty, you reveled in it as you sucked his cock. He fucked your mouth until he was shaking with a mixture of pleasure and concentration; Timothee didn’t want to cum in your mouth he wanted to cum inside of you while he made you cum. It was another way he made you his. You weren’t sure if it was the altitude, or having sex on a plane, or the pregnancy, but it was the best sex you’d ever had.

Three months of pregnancy flew by, and you were in Budapest for one and a half of those months. Timothee started becoming anxious, you weren’t showing yet and he wanted everyone to know without having to be told. You were excruciatingly tired, pregnancy exhaustion was no joke, and while he let you sleep in and relax, he wasn’t letting you out of being on set while he filmed.

“I want you there. I need you there. Don’t make me do this without you,” he’d beg you every morning. You’d groan and plead but eventually you gave in. The truth was you didn’t like seeing him with other women in any way whatsoever. It was strange, you weren’t used to feeling so possessive over him. That was usually Timothee’s thing, but you always sat up straighter when other women were around him, making sure he saw you still, making everyone else knew he was taken. By you. Sometimes, you even got up when the director cut the scene, taking the chance to kiss him passionately on the lips.

As Timothee woke you up to get ready for another day of you sitting in a chair with Timothee’s name stitched into the back of it, you had the sinking suspicion that you shouldn’t be on set that day.

“You’re going, don’t try get out it,” he said as he slid on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, he typically got ready for the day of filming in his trailer, and you got to watch the whole thing.

You sighed, not bothering to offer the usual excuses you tried, “what scenes are you filming today, Tim?”

He looked at you, his expression blank for a minute before forcing a smile, “Mmm I’m not sure, we’ll find out when we get there.” He placed a kiss on your forehead and dressed you, a little thing Tim did for you when you were too tired to move, you loved the casual intimacy of it, but this time it felt strange, almost as if he was doing it to distract you.

A black SUV picked you up. Timothee led you all the way to the back, 4 rows of empty seats separating the two of you from the driver. Your mind reeling, you attempted to ask him questions, while Tim insisted, he pleasure you the whole way to set. Kissing you, touching you, pulling your shirt down to lick and suck your overly sensitive nipples; the sensation alone shattered you and you cam quietly in the back seat.

“Now I’ll have to taste you, I hope you know,” he said and he laid you back into the seat.

“Tim, can I ask-”

His warm tongue licking through your center stopped you mid speech. You wanted to ask him why he kept avoiding your questions. How did he not know what scenes he was shooting today? Didn’t actors like….know that stuff before hand? You were still learning how all of this worked. You’d never been on a set with Timothee before these few months, but you were sure he had an idea of what he was filming today.

“Stop thinking so much, enjoy me,” he said against your heat. You gave in, letting him devour you until you cam for a second time, grinding your hips onto his flattened tongue.

When you arrived on set, Zendaya was already there in full wardrobe and happy to see both of you.

“Let’s go Chalamet get that wardrobe on, I’m ready to go back to the hotel and sleep.” Zendaya said, rushing Timothee along.

“I hear that,” you said attempting to cover a yawn.

Zendaya laughed and as Timothee grabbed your hand for you to follow him to his trailer, Zendaya stopped him.

“Hey Tim, why don’t you let y/n chill here while you get ready? I’ve been dying to talk to her but you’re always breathing down her neck.”

You looked at Timothee, almost silently asking if it was okay, but remembering how he avoided your questions, you spoke up, “I don’t need Timothee’s permission, I’d love to hang out with you.”

He glared at you but quickly smiled, and you knew you were going to be in for it later, but you considered it a momentary victory when he placed a small kiss to your lips. He pulled away, and whispered into your ear, “you’re asking for trouble aren’t you?” It came out as growl and sent chills down your spine.

Timothee sulked towards his trailer and you turned back to Zendaya, who was beaming at you. She was effortlessly pretty and you always thought she was so down to earth, you were excited to talk to her, and even with a possible punishment looming over you, you were happy that you could talk to her alone.

“I don’t know how you put up with that boy,” Zendaya chuckled.

You shrugged, “I love him.”

“And he loves you, intensely. It’s actually really amazing to see a love that strong. I’m kind of jealous.” Zendaya admitted.

“Really? Why?”

“The love you two share, and how confident you are in your relationship, girl,” she said, lightly shoving your shoulder.

Confident? You didn’t think you’d ever used or heard the word to describe you, but if the word were to be used at all it would definitely be used to describe your love for Timothee. It had been so long since you had those doubts that sent you running away, and both you and Timothee had come so far. Yes, you were confident about your relationship with him.

Zendaya broke your silence, “yeah, I don’t think I’d be able to watch my boyfriend kiss another girl, I struggle with it while watching his films, and here you are watching it in person. Props, man.”

Confidence? What was that? Your heart sank into your stomach. There was no way you could stay for that.

“Oh. That’s today? I asked Timothee he said he didn’t know what scenes were happening today.”

“He’s high. We’re scheduled our scenes on a calendar in advance.” Zendaya replied, confidently.

“Oh well…looking forward to that,” your voice shook but you smiled through it. Timothee lied to you, not only that, but he kept you from asking questions…through sexual favors. You were sick to your stomach and you knew it wasn’t the pregnancy causing it.

Timothee returned in full wardrobe, but you were too angry and hurt to acknowledge him. He leaned down to place another kiss to your lips, but you turned your head slightly, and said, “I’m going to take my usual seat. Good luck on your scene.”

You knew his eyes were following you, and you knew rejecting his kiss was probably another bad move on your part, but the only thought running through your head was how you were going to be able to get out of watching this fucking scene.

The director yelled action, and they began, you had to admit, they both acted beautifully together. You kept trying to tell yourself “it’s only acting, it’s not real. He loves you not her.” But in this moment it was real, too real. Your heart pounded as Zendaya and Timothee’s faces inched closer together and as you watched the love of your life press his lips against those of another woman and weave his hands into her hair, whether it was acting or not, a jealous rage boiled inside of you.

You knew he’d be mad but you left, sick to your stomach…maybe it was the pregnancy or maybe it was watching them kiss. Your risked a look back and caught a glimpse of Timothee, his eyes were closed and he had his head cocked to the left, his fingers with tracing Zendaya back lightly…just like he did to you. It wasn’t the pregnancy.

You flagged down a taxi and had the driver drive you back to your hotel, fighting nausea the whole way. Any minute, the scene would be over and Timothee would realize you were gone. Maybe he already did, either way he was going to be pissed. You took the elevator up to the 9th floor and sprinted to your room. You slammed the door, the urge to vomit burning in the back of your throat.

You locked the bathroom door, the contents of your stomach spilling into the toilet followed by a series of tears you could no longer hold back. Closing the lid, you laid your cheek on the porcelain, you could have fallen asleep right there, but an aggressive jiggle of the door handle grabbed your attention.

“Go away,” you forced out.

“Y/n, let me in,” his voice was calm, but you knew he was forcing it. You fucked up multiple times, but so had he.

“No.”

“Do you think I’m beyond breaking down this door, y/n.”

You rolled your eyes, knowing that he would definitely break down the door if you didn’t open it. You unlocked it, and before you had a chance to grasp the knob, Timothee slung the door open. He stared at you and you couldn’t place his emotions. He looked mad, but also sad, confused.

“What?” You asked, unable to hide the shakiness of your voice or the annoyed tone of it.

“I thought we talked about you leaving?” He leaned against the door frame leaving you now room to slide past him.

“Please, you know where I am at all times,” you scoffed, “ and I only left because you fucking LIED to me, Timothee. What is wrong with you?!”

“I lied because you wouldn’t have come if I told you I was filming a love scene today.”

“You’re right I wouldn’t have, but you would have forced me anyway, and I fucking hate you for that. I hate you for lying to me, and avoiding my questions, covering them up with sex.”

“You don’t hate me,” Timothee said, grabbing your wrist, “you can’t hate me. You’ve tried, and you can’t. We both know that.”

He was right, you tried on two separate occasions to hate him, to convince yourself you didn’t need him or want him.

“I do think I owe you an apology, though,” he said, pulling your wrist, your body crashing into his. “But you owe me one as well.”

You scoffed again, “for what?”

He quoted you, “’I don’t need Timothee’s permission’ do you remember that? And what about you rejecting my kiss in front of everyone? Then there’s the matter of you leaving...when you know you’re not supposed to.”

You were silent, you forgot about your sudden boldness on set.

“Apologize,” he demanded.

“No.”

“You are really something else today, aren’t you?” He pulled you again, dragging you to the bed. He bent you over, your stomach resting against the mattress, your feet still firmly on the ground, “I have to admit, it is kind of sexy, but I can’t have you disobeying me and mouthing off.”

“What...what are you going to do?” You asked as resting your cheek on the mattress, “Are you going to...hit me?”

“No,” he said firmly, “I’d never hit you.” His hands went into your leggings pulling them down with your panties simultaneously, exposing your bare backside, “I am going to punish you though.”

“You lied to me though, what’s your punishment?” You asked him, nervously.

“Well, I guess you’ll have to figure that out, hm?” Timothee spread your knees apart and you felt his hair tickle the back of your knees. His mouth attached to your pussy, licking, kissing, sucking gently and tenderly. So delicate, you weren’t sure you’d ever felt him that way. You moaned, thankful that you had the mattress to put all of your weight onto.

You moved your hips into him, and he stopped you, grabbing the tightly. He removed his mouth from your cunt, “Don’t move, not until I tell you to.”

You whined, wanting desperately to push yourself onto his face, to ride his tongue until you cam. “Stay still,” he said again, firmly.

He went back to your core, gently lapping your pussy. He licked you so gently it sent chills down your spine, and it made your knees shake around him. His tongue circled your clit and you could feel yourself growing wetter as each second went by. He teased you, going from his intricate circling, to quickly flicking his tongue against your clit. You notice every time you moaned, he stopped, moving to kiss your inner thigh, or sliding a long finger into your aching hole. When you were quiet, he returned, only this time sucking pulling in every inch of your pussy that he could get into his mouth.

“Gonna cum?” He asked in between licks.

“I’m so close,” you moaned.

As quickly as the words escaped your mouth, he was standing, pulling you up with him. You were breathless and your cheeks were flushed, you could feel the heat coming off of them. Timothee pulled your shirt off and unclipped your bra with one hand. He walked around you, circling you in a predatorial fashion. His eyes traveled along your naked body when he stopped in front of you. He grabbed your face and engulfed you into a hungry kiss, his tongue sliding into your mouth and halfway down your throat. He pinched your nipples between his thumb and forefinger, just enough for you to wince into his kiss.

“Do you think you deserve to cum, y/n?”

“I don’t think you do,” you argued.

“That wasn’t the question. You are so bad today. Get on your knees I want my dick in your mouth.”

His hands pushed you onto your knees and you didn’t fight it. You opened your mouth and looked up at him, the way you knew he liked. Timothee had this way with you, even if you were mad you wanted him to be happy. You wanted to pleasure him, you wanted him to know that you were better than any other girl out there.

“Good girl,” he said sliding his sweats down to his ankles. He cupped your cheek and ran a thumb over the soft skin, then your lips. He stuck his thumb in your mouth, running it over your bottom teeth. You closed your lips around it sucking it lightly before he slid it out. “Open back up for me, pretty girl.”

You obeyed him, opening your mouth, covering your bottom teeth with your tongue, allowing him a smooth pleasurable entrance into your mouth. He looked down at you as he slid his cock over your tongue, smiling as you immediately went to work on him. Your mouth filled with saliva, as you sent him down your throat then back up again. He felt so good in your mouth, but you wanted him inside of you. You ached for him, to pleasure him. Timothee’s hands wove into your hair and you moaned with him in your mouth.

“Fuck, baby, your mouth feels so good.”

He stilled your head as he thrust into your mouth two times, then pulled out all together. He joined you on the floor, sitting on his knees. His mouth met yours again, thanking you with a passionate kiss.

“Lay down on the bed, I’m not done with your pussy.”

You shuddered at his words but climbed onto the bed laying on your back this time. You spread your legs for him, and he crawled over to you, hooking his arms around your thighs. He waisted no time feasting on you again. This time he added fingers while he licked you. First one, then another, and another, slowly pumping you as his tongue worked your clit.

“I’m gonna cum, Timothee, please.”

“Apologize.”

“What?”

“Apologize for leaving. Apologize for saying you didn’t need my permission. Apologize and I’ll let you cum.” Timothee growled out.

“Fuck I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m sorry for leaving I’m sorry for saying I didn’t tired your permission. I am sorry.”

He dove back into your pussy, sucking your clit into his mouth, rolling it around with his tongue. When he released it, he flicked it twice, and fucked you with a single finger. You came undone, moaning his name and rolling your hips. You shook and writhed on the mattress as your organs pulsed through you.

Then he grabbed you, you wrapped your legs around his waist and he entered you as he walked. It wasn’t until your back pressed against the wall, that he began fucking you. Timothee pressed his forehead against yours, staring directly into your eyes as he said, “tell me you didn’t mean it.”

You knew exactly what he was referring to, “I didn’t mean it, I don’t hate you. I did in the moment. But I don’t hate you. I never could,” it came out in a breathy whisper.

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you, Timothee.” As his thrusts spend up, you grabbed a fist full of his hair and pulled his head back lightly. He looked at you, biting his lip and grunting as he neared his climax. “But don’t you ever lie to me again.”

His hands gripped your hips as his thrusts began to falter, “I won’t lie to you again, y/n.” You let his hair go and his lips attacked your neck, sucking hard and biting. You felt him twitch inside of you, followed by a flood of warmth. He cam hard, and you ran your fingers through his hair as he did telling him you were his, and you belonged to him. All the things he loved to hear when he was in a vulnerable state.

As he came down from his orgasm, he walked you back over to the bed, his cock still buried inside of you. He laid you down, finally sliding out of you to collect a warm washcloth to clean the two of you off.

“I won’t lie to you again, but you are still going on set with me. You can stay in my trailer if there are scenes you don’t think you can handle that day, but I need to know that you’re there,” he said as he dressed himself, then you.

“Timothee I-”

“How come after all that I’ve put myself through, the amount of effort that I’ve put forth to get you to stay with me, you still think that I would want someone else.�� Timothee looked at you, his eyes filled with an emotion you couldn’t place.

“If you saw me kissing a man-”

“I’d kill him. That simple.”

“You couldn’t handle it then, is what you’re saying?”

Timothee nodded. You sat up on the bed, “then why do you expect me to handle it any differently?”

He breathed out a heavy sigh, “so, what of my punishment then, for lying to you?”

You smiled, thinking he forgot. You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, kissing him lightly before saying, “you let me hang out with Zendaya. Alone. For one hour.”

“No. Not alone. Let me be there. I’ll leave you alone but let me be there.” He grabbed your hand and squeezed it lightly, “I’ll let you have your space, but please let me be in the same place.”

“Deal.” You said shaking his hand.

Tags: @imnotoverlyobsessive @dayafied @soulofendlessbook @fashphotolife @chicchanelcigs @scentedkittenperfection @weasleytwinscumslut @mxciscastleintheair @timotheeisthelomll @marvelmaniac2000 @lovelyrocker @divine-1 @louievr @love-poems-only @starberry-cake @inlovewithphantasy

#timothee chalamet #timothée chalamet #writing #timothee chalamet x reader #timothee chalamet x you #timothee blurb #timothee chalamet imagine #timmy chalamet #smut #dark!timothee #it’s not you it’s me

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ptergwen · 4 years

Note

If you do smut can you do like stark!reader x peter parker (spiderman) are dating 3-4 month and y/n and peter had their very fluff first time then next morning y/n has hickies all over her neck and her thights stomach... and tony/ her dad sees it and is confronting them with it😂 i love your stories 🤤

just saying hi

w/c: 2.5k

warnings: veryyyy suggestive, swearing, some pretty embarrassing moments

a/n: thank you babe! i didn’t write the actual smut but y’all can guess what happened 😭 also this is super long i couldn’t help myself

it was everything. it was everything you ever wanted your first time to be and more.

you’d brought up to peter during a make out session one night that you were ready to go farther than you two already have. there was one base you didn’t hit yet. the fourth, the final. you were thinking about it for a while before that, and peter would be lying if he said he didn’t.

your love has always been physical, whether it’s you kissing peter’s cuts after a mission or him tracing hearts on you with his fingers. there’s also the more sexual side of things. that part, you both enjoy just as much, maybe even a little more because you know exactly how to make each other feel good after all the trial and error.

what better way to combine the two than, well, making love?

last night was your sign from the universe, your go ahead to do it. you had the compound to yourselves because your dad had taken all the “big kids” out for the night. you’re both well into college, but he refuses to see you as adults. that meant no peter and no you. you two were a little offended until you realized you could make use of your alone time.

you started off searching for a movie. that turned into you wrestling peter for the remote because you didn’t feel like watching back to the furure yet again. wrestling turned into you on top of him, which turned into you kissing him, which turned into peter throwing the remote somewhere and carrying you up to your room with his lips still on yours.

neither of you had to say it. you were on the same page, same wavelength, two brains in one as peter layed you down and trailed his kisses lower and lower.

peter was so gentle with you, except for when you told him not to be. those were the times he didn’t hold back. he was attentive and sweet and showed you quite a few times how much he loves you. you showed him just the same. yeah, it was really everything.

“morning, baby. you awake yet?” peter hums against the shell of your ear, arms wound comfortably around you. “kinda,” you mumble back with a goofy smile. he presses his lips to your ear and nuzzles his face in the side of your neck. “kinda... how’d you sleep?” you can hear the grin in his voice. his nose nudges your bare skin where a fresh hickey lies and makes you scrunch your own up.

“good, really good. always love sleeping with you.” you’re both aware of the alternate meaning that has now. “funny,” peter lets out a breathy laugh against you and brushes his thumb over your stomach where your shirt got ridden up. you sigh, enjoying his soft touch and reaching behind you to play with his curls. they’re a lot messier than usual from you tugging on them all last night.

peter removes his face from your neck and carefully turns you onto your other side. you’re facing him now, eyes trained on his concerned expression. “hey, just wanna check. how are you feeling? still sore?” a tiny smile stretches your face. he really does care about you and how you feel after everything. you know for a fact most other guys wouldn’t.

“i mean, yeah. you were... it was a lot, but i’ll be fine in a few days i think.” the mention of peter being a lot makes color rush to his face. you laugh quietly at that, cupping one of his cheeks that’s turning pink. “oh. i, um, i didn’t know that. sorry.” he smiles shyly as you smooth your thumb over his warm skin. “don’t be. it wasn’t as bad after i... adjusted a little,” you reassure him, making him lean into your palm.

“i really am sorry, y/n/n. can i make it up to you?” peter checks with you, eyes going up from yours to down your body. he hooks a finger in the waistband of your pajama shorts. “make you feel better?” the way he finishes his question with a bite of his lip is definitely tempting. so is your stomach yelling at you to put some food in it. you’ll have to wait.

“later. right now, you can make me breakfast,” you beam at him and take his hand. peter pushes his palm against yours, letting you lace your fingers together as he puffs some air out of his cheeks. “yeah, that’s gonna go well.” “i’m supervising. it will.” you capture his lips in a kiss, one he instantly reciprocates, free hand resting on your hip. just as it’s heating up, you break it.

“i’m hungry for actual food,” you giggle and roll out of his embrace. “ok, ok, ok. let’s go see what we have,” peter gives in with a chuckle, grabbing the same hand he was just holding and following you down to the kitchen.

he ends up popping some frozen waffles into the toaster, you sitting up on the counter with your phone out while he struggles through the different settings. “should i put it on bake? no, that doesn’t sound right,” he talks to himself with eyes squinted in concentration. “your dad made this thing so... detailed.” it’s an old stark industries toaster, one with options you probably don’t even need.

“yeah because he loves his toast, so maybe don’t break it. he’ll kill you or something,” you half playfully half seriously suggest. peter is one clumsy guy. he tsks at you and crouches down to read the words on the dial. there’s conveniently a setting for waffles, so he hits that one. he’s not sure how he hadn’t noticed it before.

since he’s down there, he takes one of your ankles in both hands and starts to kiss up your leg. it tickles when he gets to your knee, drawing a giggle out of you, but your phone still blocks his face. you’re doing it on purpose. “baby,” peter tries to get your attention in a soft voice. he presses a couple more kisses to your knee. you have to hold your breath so you don’t laugh again.

“baby girllll,” peter drags out, lips moving up your thigh. he nudges your phone with his nose much like a puppy would. “aye, i’m talkin’ to you here,” he says in a fake new york accent. you finally put it down next to you. “i’m listening.” you’re giving him a satisfied smile as he goes back to kissing you.

“just saying hi,” he looks up at you and moves your shorts aside while he kisses further and further to where you want. you scoot closer to him on the counter.

that’s when he stops. not only stops, gasps in horror. “what?” you ask quickly, his eyes fixed on your inner thighs. “i kind of, uh, marked you up. like, a lot.” he runs a finger gently over the bruised skin. you’re suddenly very aware of it now. it doesn’t exactly hurt, just feels bumpy and weird. you peer down at yourself to see the damage, eyes going wide.

“shit... they’re on my neck, too,” you remember, murmuring to him. you’ll have to cover these up before everyone gets home. worry flashes across peter’s face. “oh my god, i didn’t even realize. it- it was dark and you told me-“ “pete, it’s okay. it’s pretty hot,” you stop his rambling, reaching down and putting a hand on his shoulder. he frowns up at you.

“really? are you sure i didn’t go too far? because you can tell me.” you’ve always appreciated how much peter genuienly values your thoughts on things, in the bedroom and in other parts of your relationship. it does lead to a lot of second guessing, though. you squeeze his shoulder and let out a breath. “i’m sure, okay? it’s really not that serious. i’ll just change so no one can see.”

peter winds an arm around one of your legs, body relaxing ever so slightly under your touch. “okay.” he gives your thigh one final kiss, then rests his chin on it. “what about your neck?” “uh...” you hadn’t considered that yet. “makeup? a scarf?” you’ve seen enough tv to know neither of those work, but they’re your only options.

“yup. mr. stark is really gonna kill me now,” peter says under his breath, tensing up all over again. you furrow your eyebrows at him. “what? we’re literally grown adults, we can do whatever we want-“

tony claps loudly as he steps into the kitchen, announcing his return home. peter jumps up from between your legs faster than fast. he moves so he’s next to you, and you hop down from the counter.

“hello, daughter of mine. spider of man,” your dad greets you two, you pulling down your shorts with a plastered on smile. “or would it be man of spider?” he plucks an apple from the bowl on the table as he ponders his question. steve and wanda file into the room next. “second one,” peter replies, grinning a little too much to be normal. tony takes note of that.

wanda comes over to the fridge for a snack, which is close to where you and peter are. “how was last night?” you ask her to take the attention off you two. wanda settles on a yogurt and turns to you. “it was good. we shared a few hotel rooms, had our own party.” she glances over at peter, a knowing smirk playing on her lips. “seems like you two had a fun night of your own.”

peter’s mouth drops open. “how did you-“ he forgot she could read his mind and now knows everything that happened. you slap a hand over your forehead. “you couldn’t think about anything else? for, like, a minute?” you whisper yell at him. he uses his eyes to plead with you. “i’m sorry! i was looking at the hickeys-“ he realizes what he’s saying. “crap.”

shooting you a wink, wanda shuts the fridge and goes to join the rest of the team in the living room. lucky for you and peter, steve started lecturing tony about washing his fruit before he eats it. he didn’t hear any of that. there’s still the problem of your visible hickeys that you have zero seconds to hide.

“how the fuck am i supposed to cover these? they’re right in the center, peter!” you panic, your heart starting to race as peter fumbles for a dish towel. that’s the best he could come up with? “no!” you toss it back at him. he throws it on the counter with a pained look. tony and steve make their way over to you.

“oh, hush. a couple of deadly pesticides won’t shake me, stevey boy,” tony insists and takes another big bite of his apple. steve huffs in disapproval and crosses his arms. “you’re a big baby, tony. if you’re not gonna do the right thing, at least buy organic-“ with the world’s longest sigh, tony chucks his apple into the open garbage can.

“there. no more apple discourse.” steve shakes his head at your dad’s behavior. “that was a waste. you could’ve finished it.” “not with your nagging into my literal ear.” steve raises his hands in surrender before making his way out of the kitchen. tony side steps past him and over to you. “enough of that now. let’s have a welcome home hug from my girl.”

you share a look with peter, a look of pure fear that’s in both of your eyes. he’ll definitely notice the hickeys if he gets that close to you. he holds out his arms expectantly while peter scratches the back of his own neck. “sure, dad. welcome home.” an awkward smile on your lips, you bury your face in your dad’s chest and wrap your arms around him in one motion. this way, he didn’t have time to see you from too close up.

peter exhales in relief at the narrowly avoided disaster. that’s until tony makes a request. “missed me that much, kiddo, huh? come out of there.” “but, i’m so comfortable. i wanna stay like this,” you insist, a niceness to your voice tony immediately sees through. he drops his arms from around you, eyeing peter suspiciously, who averts his gaze to the floor.

“nuh uh, you did something. both of you,” your dad states, taking a step to stand between you and peter. peter gulps down a breath before speaking. “mr. stark, it was-“ tony holds up a hand. “don’t worry, kid. i’ll figure it out.”

he gives peter a proper stare, searching him for clues of some sort. it’s a good thing he isn’t wanda because the details of your night would have been exposed. he couldn’t find anything, so now it’s your turn. he’s a little disappointed you’re the one hiding something.

“oh, y/n. not you,” tony sighs as he gives you a looking over. he starts with your face, your eyes following down as his do. it’s when he gets just past your chin that he sees them. the little hickeys littering your skin, some already deep shades of purple. he rips off his glasses in disbelief.

“absolutely not.” he closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with the same hand his glasses are in. “i’m not seeing this. i’m not seeing this if i don’t look.” you scoff at his reaction. “dad, you know we’re together. you can’t expect us to not...” “don’t say it,” tony begs, getting the urge to hurl his half eaten apple. he turns and faces peter.

“parker, you really did all of that?” peter only blinks, nervously meeting the eyes of his mentor. “to my daughter?” tony adds on to scare him even more. “i- i-“ a burst of frustration comes out of peter. “you left two teenagers alone the whole night. what’d you think was gonna happen?” he’s shocked at his own words, his face showing it. tony raises his eyebrows. both your hands cover your mouth.

not wanting to deal with peter, tony addresses you instead. “i don’t care how you do it, cover those up. don’t let me see them ever again. understood?” you nod a good amount of times and reach for peter’s hand. he’s about to give it, then tony glares down at what’s happening. peter pulls back immediatelty. “understood. we’ll, um, do better next time,” you agree, tony winching at the idea of a next time.

“you, parker... treat a lady with a little more respect, eh?” tony clicks his tongue at him. he’s referring to all the hickeys. peter’s lips form a line, a sarcastic one that says oh well. “i tried, mr. stark, but y/n wanted me to-“ “christ, that’s enough.” tony furiously shakes his head and starts to walk away from you two. “never again!”

you’re thanking god when he sets off for the living room, you hiding your face in peter’s chest, his face in your hair. “that was terrible. that was the worst thing ever,” you say into him. “i’m sorry, baby. we gotta be more careful.”

it’s not over yet because then, the toaster dings. you’d completely forgotten about the waffles. you and peter both separate with your millionth shared look of terror. tony comes rushing back into the room, very familiar with that noise.

“first you destroy my daughter, now my toaster? pete... you’re in for it, kid.”

#tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland smut #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #peter parker #marvel #peter parker fluff #peter parker smut #peter parker x stark!reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #tony stark

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roonyxx · 2 years

Text

Winter Cabin (Y/n Pov)

By Jay-and-dean and Roonyxx

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: Dean is tired and grumpy lately, maybe the magic of a winter cabin and love can make him relax ?

Warnings: Fluff and Smut. A hint of angst and adult language.

Note: this is our third collaboration

This is how it works:

We wrote the same story, and we did it together. I wrote Y/n’s Pov and @jay-and-dean wrote Dean’s Pov

We both worked as much on this story and it’s the result of both our brains but also both our hearts.

Please, if you want to show love for this story, don’t forget we were together in this.

Wordcount: 5089

READ DEAN’S POV HERE

Jay’s Masterlist

Roonyxx Masterlist

Y/N’S POV

When you asked Dean to get in the car you could see the hesitation about leaving his home in his eyes. You knew all he wanted was to lay down in his bed and rest, but you wanted to take him away from here and from all of it. You wanted to make him let go of everything for a while, and in a bunker filled with lore and laptops ready to ping at a new hunt that is impossible. But he agreed and got in the car with a tired frown.

Since then, he is grumpy. He has every right to be. The last few hunts were hard on him. That’s exactly why you planned this surprise, he will love it. His mood won’t bring yours down.

In the few hours you have been driving north, you can’t help but notice his watery eyes from all the yawning.

“You know I could have driven, Dean, right ?” You say as you bent a little forward to see his face.

“And risking damages on baby ?” a groan accentuated his words “No thank you.”

You let the snarky remark wash over you, but it still stings a little. It’s not like you have never driven the impala before but when Dean is grumpy, he tends to push you away a little. It’s all worth it, you’re going to smother him with love once you reach your destination.

“I do have my driving license” you say with a little smile to break the tension.

“Yes but the road is frozen, and she only listens to me” he says with a small smile, his way of trying to say sorry for his earlier remark.

Dean can be hard at times but he loves you uncontrollably, and he’ll never hurt you on purpose.

“Turn left” you say as you point towards the road on the left.

“I know my right and left” he grunts again, pushing your hand away.

“Maybe, but you have the reflexes of a sloth today” you mock him, his grumpy mood starting to pull on yours a little, you just really don’t want to drive the wrong way and risk getting lost, that would only worsen his already dampened mood. “So I prefer making sure.”

You won’t let him be mean to you, you can get really impressive when you’re angry. But you know Dean, you know him better then himself, you know a few ways to untie his panties.

After he turns left you start getting excited.

“We’re almost there” you look around the snowy landscape, everything sounds so much softer, the snow functioning as an isolation for the screams of the world. “Look at those giant pine trees covered in snow !” when you were little you always thought it looked like the trees had put on their winter coat.

You turn your head to the other side as you hear his monotone “Mh”

“Look at this lake !” it is huge and completely frozen, it’s beautiful, so beautiful it almost asks to be touched. “It’s like a giant mirror.”

Another gloomy “Mh” leaves his lips.

You know it is just because he is tired. But you are getting so close now, not even his uninterested grunts can ruin your mood.

You sit up on your knees on the bench seat, sometimes taking his face in your hands to show him something or to just give him a kiss on his temple in a protective way. You try to pull him into your enthusiasm, and whether it works or not, you will keep trying. You will keep giving all you have in you to make him smile again.

“Yes ! It’s there. Look !” You nearly scream when the cabin appears in the middle of the Tongass National Forest. Some old friends of yours own it and you asked them if you could ‘borrow’ it for a while. You were so happy when they agreed.

“Finally !” he breaths out as he parks the Impala in front of it.

You both take your bags out of the trunk, make your way inside and switch on the light. The atmosphere in the cabin is a lot warmer than the outside.

The cabin isn’t that big, it exists out of a living room, a small kitchen to the right side, one bedroom and bathroom upstairs, but you don’t need much space anyway.

Because of its smaller size it holds a cozy vibe. The cabin is entirely made out of wood with an exception to the stone fireplace. There is a smooth carpet where three large sofas are placed around the fireplace, you can count at least three, no four fluffy blankets spread around the couches with numerous pillows. The lights cast a soft amber color on everything, a harsh contrast from the stark white snow outside.

“Oh wow, where did you find this place ?” Dean wonders out loud.

“I have connections” you grin as you take his hand to pull him upstairs to unpack.

The bedroom is fairly small, the big bed takes up most of the space. But it has the fluffiest blankets and a ton of pillows to cuddle in. A string of fairy lights is connected to the ceiling.

Dean half moans at the sight of the bed and let himself drop in it. Your boyfriend is a big guy but even he looks tiny in this king size bed ! You laugh and drop next to him, putting your hand on his chest as you turn on your side and lean up on your elbow to watch the man you love.

“Do you like it ?” you ask him, stroking his broad chest.

“Yes, it’s cute” he says as his hand grasps yours on his chest and lifts it up to his mouth to kiss your knuckles. “Thank you, baby. I Think we both really needed a break” he says with a huffed breath.

“Yeah we did, we’re both tired, you more than me because you always insist on doing most of the work” you cup his cheek, your fingers enjoying the scratch from his scruff.

It has been a while since he shaved and you don’t mind it one bit, he looks even more handsome now.

“You go change into something comfier baby, I packed your robe and your hotdog pants, I’ll get the cocoa heated up downstairs, okay ?” You sit up and turn to him, his face lights up like a child on Christmas.

“You’re the best” he says with a smile “I’ll be right down to help you” he sits too and takes his bag to search for his clothes.

“No need, baby, I got it under control” you kiss his forehead and leave the room to go to the fridge.

Your friend told you to send a grocery list so she could fill up the fridge for you, she truly is an angel.

You are taking out the ingredients you need for your cocoa deluxe when you feel two strong arms wrap around your waist and a face nuzzle in your neck, giving you those sweet open mouth kisses only he has the secret.

“You didn’t have to do all of this baby, but still thank you. I already feel a little more relaxed” he whispers sweetly in your ear.

You arch one arm back to run your fingers through his soft hair.

“I know I didn’t have to but I wanted to do it” you say as you keep stirring the cocoa milk in the pot “Do you want marshmallows, cinnamon, whipped cream or sprinkles on yours ?” you turn your head to see a mischievous glint in his eyes that says exactly what he wants.

“Okay all of them it is” you chuckle as you stroke the arm around your waist “Get comfy on the sofa, I put a bag with Dr. Sexy MD DVD’s on the floor by the tv, you can choose which one you want to watch.”

He lets you go with one last kiss to your cheek.

“God I love you” he says making his way to the tv.

You pour the hot beverage in two enormous mugs, add the ingredients Dean wants and the same on yours. You put it on a tray with numerous snacks, walk towards the tv and put it on the little table.

Dean has just put in one of the disks as he sits down on one of the couches. You take a huge blanket and drape it over him, making sure you tuck the blanket under his feet and legs before handing him his hot cocoa. You take yours and carefully slip beneath the blanket and snuggle up to him.

“Are you comfy ?” you ask him.

“Very comfy baby” he wraps his arm around your shoulders and pulls you closer into him, then takes a sip from his drink.

When he looks up at you in a hum, you can’t hold in your laugh.

“What ?” he asks with a frown.

“You’ve got whipped cream on your nose” you say with a giggle.

At that, he turns both his eyes to his nose which only makes you laugh harder.

“Wait, let me help” you sit up a little higher to kiss the cream of his nose. “Mhh delicious.”

He’s chuckling softly when his eyes fall on the snack tray.

“Oh you got twizzlers !” He gasps “When I was little Sam and I used to do a competition of who could push it the furthest in their nose” he laughs.

“Oh my God, and you ate it afterwards ?” you ask him, he nods while laughing “Oh that’s disgusting!” you chuckle.

“Hey! You try to keep a seven years old entertained 24/7, you come up with some weird stuff!” he says with a smile.

You know Dean never had an easy childhood, he never got to be a child. At age four he was robbed from his innocence. He had to be a mother and a father for his little brother because his dad was being too busy with everything except his kids, you would never forgive John for doing that to Dean.

That’s why you often take him to go do silly things, like mini golf, or laser shooting, you bake pies with him and always start a food fight. You wanted to give him little pieces of childhood he never had…

Now, you look out the window and a new childish idea struck your mind.

You stand up and take his mug from his hands, putting it down on the table as you pull him up from the couch.

“Come on !” you say as you tug him to the back door.

“What are we doing ?” he asks but you don’t answer him already putting on your jacket, gloves and shoes, motioning to Dean to do the same.

Once you are both dressed you push him out the door, he stands there in the middle of the snow, his long robe peeking from under his jacket, he looks so cute.

“Why are we outsi-“ his sentence is cut off when you hit him with a snowball on his chest.

His face is priceless, somewhere between surprised and a faint smile. And your laugh echoes through the trees.

“Oh you’re in for it now !” he yells as he makes a snowball of his own and throws it at you.

Of course the skilled hunter hit his target : your boob. Your hand covers it.

“Hey! No booby shots!” you yell at him as he can’t stop laughing.

You make a new snowball and aim for his crotch. His hands cover his precious jewels quickly as he sees you aiming for it.

“Oh no need to get nasty sweetheart, you’ll be needing this body part later on” he says with a cocky grin.

“Okay, you’re right” you say and throw the snowball right in his face.

The snow is still pretty soft so you know it wouldn’t hurt.

He blinks rapidly, his eyelashes long enough to catch the snow beautifully. He wipes his face and runs at high speed towards you, the dangerous warrior he also is suddenly showing. You start to run but you are no match for his long powerful legs…

He catches you and throws you over his shoulder, his hand spanking your butt. You’re laughing uncontrollably on his shoulder.

“Hahahaha ! And you always say I can’t throw !” you say in between laughs, now and then yelping when his hand connects with your ass cheek.

He walks toward a snow covered tree and turns with his back to it to rub you between the branches of the tree, making all the snow tumble down.

“Aaaahh Deaaaaan !” you shriek as the snow falls on you, you reach with your hands forward to catch some snow and rub it all over his head. “Karma !” you yell when he jumps away from the tree and puts you down.

“It got in my coat !” he chuckles loudly, shaking his body and arching his back to try avoid the cold from the snow.

You shake your own coat too and feel a lump snow slip in your collar.

“AH oh me too! Abort mission! Go inside !” you are laughing hard.

You run back with Dean inside the cabin, taking off your coats, gloves and shoes. You shiver and rub your own arms up and down.

“I’ll get the fire started baby, take off your wet clothes if you wanna speed up the process” He winks as he makes his way to the fireplace. You follow him and throw a blanket over his shoulders.

You check the mugs you left before on the little table, smiling when you find them still pretty hot.

“The mugs are still hot” you say as Dean gets the fire started.

Taking his mug, you hand it to him, watching as he downs the hot beverage almost completely in one go.

As he turns back to the fire you lose your wet shirt and replace it by a grey sweater you stole long ago from him, even from before you started dating. It was after a nasty hunt and you wanted him close to chase away the nightmares, you have slept with it every night back then.

“Underwear it is” he mumbles after noticing his pants are wet from the melted snow.

“Come here, Dean” you state, watching his big body shake.

You take several blankets while he takes off his robe.

“Let me burrito you” you say with a smile.

“Burrito me ?” he chuckles as he walks closer to you, accepting your offer despite his amused smirk.

You wrap the blankets completely around him, pushing his arms down next to his body, take several more to cover his giant body into a cute burrito, wrapping it so tight he can barely move.

“My arms are stuck” he says with a smile when you’re tugging at the last blankets on his back to create a hood to make sure his ears and wet head stay warm.

“Burritos have no arms, baby” you cup his face to kiss him. “Your nose is all red, my poor Deanie.”

His lips puck and aim for yours but you kiss his cute red little nose instead to warm it.

“I’m not a poor Deanie’ he says with a deep voice that’s anything but ‘poor’ “I’m a hunter. I’m a warrior!”

Any other day you would completely agree. But now ? He is like a huge soft sausage, you can’t help but chuckle at how ridiculously cute he looks.

“I need to take a pic, you’re incredibly cute like this” you state, reaching for your phone as you see him wiggle in protest, which only makes him look cuter.

“No no. don’t keep ridiculous photos of me” he whines.

You still take a picture, this is an opportunity you can’t miss. His grumpy face on the pic makes you laugh harder, this is one of the personal photos you will cherish forever. You put your phone on the little wooden table and snuggle next to him, trying to wrap your arms around your burrito boyfriend.

“My baby… You’re not ridiculous” you reassure him. “Seeing you like this makes me happy.”

You chuckle as you can see his wiggly toes peeking out from all the covers, you truly got your Winchester trapped.

You snuggle for a while in the comfortable silence.

After a few minutes he moves his head backward to push the hood back, you can feel the covers grow hot with his body heat, but that’s not the only thing you feel… he’s getting tense, his otherwise soft stomach gets harder, his breath seems to lose the slow rhythm and it comes out heavier.

“Dean you’re tensing again” you say as you move your hand to his stomach.

“I’m sorry” he sighs, his eyes on the ceiling,his Adam’s apple going up and down.

You stare at his worried form for a moment.

“You know you can talk to me right ?” you trace slow circles over his stomach, your head resting on his shoulder.

Dean has a habit of keeping everything in, now and then you try to softly coax him to let go. It’s hard for him, you know that, and that’s why you never push him to talk, but he always ends up coming to you thanks to that deep trust between the two of you. You however remind him that you are always there for him.

“I’m not over Mary’s death” he exhaled, his words carrying a heavy weight to them and you feel your heart tighten painfully.

You lift your head to look at him, pushing his covers down so you can put your hand over his heart. Letting him feel you’re here for him.

“I know, baby. No one asks you to be over your mother’s death so soon, or ever” you say.

“I’m just… so angry” his eyes fill with tears and hear him swallow hard to try hold them back.

It hurts you to see him try to stay strong in every circumstance, he really doesn’t always have to be.

“You have every right to be angry, Dean. Furious even. It is unfair. She was given back to just be taken again.”

“Why ?” he says as his dam starts to break, your own heart breaking a little at seeing the tear roll down his cheek. “F-first dad has to leave again after only one day and now…”

You close your eyes at the hurt and sorrow in his voice, your strong warrior is taking off his harness for you, and it is nothing but brave. You stroke his hair, needing to comfort him.

“I… I just have so much anger” he repeats “I feel responsible, I feel h-helpless and…and… abandoned.”

His voice breaks at the last word, and you know how vulnerable he is when it comes to his parents. He always takes too much on his own, blames himself. You’ll do anything to help him realize he’s not responsible and not abandoned…

“You’re not” You say as you wipe your own tears, you heart aching for him, but this isn’t about your tears.

You open the covers and slip in next to him, the heat surrounding you two. He nuzzles his face in your neck, your skin getting wet from his tears.

“It’s okay to be angry” you put your hand over his head, holding him close to you, trying to protect him from all the hurting. “It’s okay to be sad. It’s not your fault, Dean. It was cruel to make them come back only to take them again, but you’re not abandoned. I’m here, Sam is here, Cas too…”

“You’re here” he whispers, his arms tighten around you. “Yes, you’re always here.”

“Look outside” You say.

It is snowing heavily, just as planned. He looks toward the small window with his reddened eyes making the green if it seems lighter. You use your hand to wipe his tears.

“There is nowhere we can go for now. Sam is safe and Cas promised to stay in the bunker to keep an eye on everything. No hunt planned, just the snow and me.”

His head turns towards you, his bright eyes searching for something on your face.

“You had checked the weather, right ?” he asks, his eyes looking around our little cabin.

“I did…” you admit, you needed a plan B for in case he would want to leave, getting snowed in was an ideal option. “Just to be sure you would have no regret to be here, because now you can’t leave anyway. But you’re not locked forever !” you chuckle. “I’m not a psycho. The snow will only fall like that tonight, and if we really want to leave tomorrow, we can. But the place is ours for a week…” You said hopeful, you aren’t ready to leave this comfy cocoon yet, but if he wants to go, you’ll follow him.

Relief washes through you as he confirms he wants to stay.

“Now Dean” you peck his lips, happy to have more one-on-one time with him. “We have all this time to talk about anything, or binge Dr. Sexy MD, we have nothing else to do than relax. No one is waiting for you.”

He grabs your thigh to pull you over his lap, making you straddle him. He’s looking at you, his hand on your thighs and a soft smile on his lips. His eyes are still a little red from crying earlier, he’s so beautiful, his face is a work of art you could stare at forever. The feelings you have for this man are intense, sometimes you even have trouble breathing because it can be very overwhelming, but one touch from him and you immediately calm down.

He’s your everything.

“How do we do that ?” he asks, breaking the silence between you and you frown a little.” How do we enjoy winter ?”

You smile wide, winter is your specialty.

“It’s all about laziness” you say out of experience. “About being warm when it’s so cold outside, about doing silly things, eating like kids and never looking at your watch. Anything that makes us feel comfy actually.”

His features and body are relaxing a little already, he takes some candies from the tray when he asks :

“Can we watch an animated movie ?”

“Yup” you nod, reaching to the ground to take the bag with DVDs, looking at what you brought with you. “I have Big Hero 6, The Lion King, of course, Madagascar, Totoro, Hotel Transylvania and uhm… Kung Fu panda !”

“You packed all that ?” he smiles up at you.

“Of course, I took a little of everything.”

You like to have many options. He pecks your lips, his lips pulling a hum from you.

His fingers dive in the bag of gummy bears, the bag ripping a little at the size of his enormous hand compared to the little candies.

“Whoops” he says when a few bears escape his grasp and fall to the floor, he bends to catch them but your reflexes are faster and catch most of them.

“So” you say as you stuff the candy in your mouth. “Besides getting diabetes while watching animated movies ? Do you have plans ?”

“Yeah” he smiles, taking the bag from the tray to put it on his lap between you two and take another handful in his mouth. “Broiling marshmallows in the fireplace.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s in the diabetes category, baby” you nod.

“Building a pillow fort definitely, and cuddling” he adds. You smile wide, two of your favorite things ever ! “Come up with a new mac and cheese recipe. Making love everywhere and sleeping, I obviously need sleep. But I’m struggling to rest lately…” he says with a frown.

You smile mischievously.

“Maybe if I tire you enough…” You lick your lips. “Then you will fall asleep more easily.”

“I like the way you think” he groans as he puts the candy bag to the side.

His hands move up your sides as you put your hands on his shoulders and lean down to capture his lips.

His warm hands wrap around your lower back to pull you into his body, your hips start rolling into his hips. You can feel his soft cock growing through your sweats and his underwear.

His body reacts so quickly to yours… You tug with your teeth at his bottom lip, your hands moving up to run your fingers through his hair.

“You’re perfect Dean” you sit up and reach for the hem of his shirt to pull it over his head. Once he is free, you start kissing down his chest, you worship this man.

When you circle your tongue around his nipple you can feel his cock twitch and his breath hitch, he had always loved that.

His hand tangles into your hair, moaning your name.

“Fuck Y/n baby… I need to see you” he sighs from deep in his chest.

You take off your big sweater, a smile on your face as you see his eyes darken at your bare chest, you like to wear it with nothing underneath.

His lips connect with your nipple, sucking it into his mouth, humming around it. Electricity roams your already burning body.

“F-fuck Dean” you let your head fall back, your hand fists in his hair.

Your hips roll harder into his now hard cock, heat pooling into the crotch of your sweatpants, no doubt soaking his underwear. He tugs at the little cord of your pants, untying and pushing it down.

“I need to come home baby… please” he licks up your neck, sucking his mark onto your skin.

“Y-yes Dean… t-take me” you beg him.

He growls and turns to push you back on the couch gently, he follows so that now you’re the one on your back and he is on top of you.

He takes your pants completely off, and licks his lips.

“Fuck… you soaked me through your pants baby” his fingers stroke your folds, making you gasp loudly. “So wet for me.”

“A-always” you pant, he pushes two fingers inside of you, looking deep into your eyes with a grin on his face.

He slowly starts pumping his fingers, a little too slow. You grab his wrist and whine.

“What baby ? You want something ?” he husks into your ear, his burning breath caressing your neck.

“M-more, p-please Dean” you moan, eyes rolling back as he pushes his fingers deeper into you, pumping faster.

“F-fuck yes…” you spread you legs more, giving him more room to work, letting his wrist go to grasp your own breast.

“I’m gonna come, Dean” you moan.

His fingers move faster only making you moan louder as the burning feeling spreads quickly all over your body, thighs shaking a little at the overwhelming waves coming from the spots he’s magically touching. You feel sweat break through your sensitive skin.

“Yes baby, come for me, clench my fingers” he pant against your lips, kissing you hard as you clench his fingers inside you, groaning into his mouth as you come hard.

“D-DEAN YES”

He sweetly kisses your face, humming he retracts his fingers, putting them in his mouth.

“You taste so good, baby.”

You grab his neck and pull him down to kiss him hard, your other hand pushing on his lower back.

“Take me Dean. Come home” you beg.

He takes off his underwear and sits between your thighs. You cup his face as you both look down how he guides his cock home, making your breath tremble in anticipation.

After the first inch his eyes connect with your, you tug him closer making him lean down on his elbows.

“I love you Dean” you say as he bottoms out, the stretch of his cock giving you endless pleasure.

“I love you too, Y/n” he grinds his hips into yours, making your eyes flutter before he starts slowly thrusting in and out of you.

You put your feet flat on the couch to be able to push your hips into his, meeting him thrust for thrust.

“Feel so good, baby” he groans, burying his sweaty forehead in your neck to pant against your skin as his hips snap a little harder into you.

You moan loudly and wrap your arms around his back.

“Yes ! L-Let go Dean… Take me !”

He groans hard as his hips start to pound into you. His open mouth sucking another mark on your shoulder as you cling to his back. Your body moving up with every hard thrust, his pelvis slapping against your clit in a deliciously rough way. You wrap your legs around him to push him deeper into you with your calves.

Your walls clench around him as you grow closer to climax. You’re lost in his body, lost in your own feelings and sensations.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes !” you chant with every thrust, his head coming up from your head to look into your eyes.

“C-come Y/n. Come on my cock.”

Your nails scratch down his back as you fall over the edge, milking his cock for his cum, you need it… need it to feel complete and full. You gasp, arching your back into his chest, screaming his name.

“DEAN ! YES!”

His hips snap hard into you one last time as he fills you up with his cum, you watch as his eyes clench shut and feel his thighs tremble against you.

“FUCK Y/N ! GRAAH !” he buries his face in your neck, groaning against you.

Panting fills the room as he falls limp on you, your fingers run through his sweaty hair.

“I love you so much Y/n” he says as his powerful arms move under your back to hold you closer.

“I love you too Dean. So so much.”

He looks up at you, his sweaty skin gleaming with the flames of the fireplace.

“I want to stay the whole week” he says with a small smile.

“Then we stay a whole week, baby” you keep stroking his hair, loving the feel of his soft locks beneath your fingertips. He hums at your touch.

“Thank you baby, for everything” his lips meet yours in a tender kiss.

You smile against his lips.

“Everything for you, baby.”

FEEDBACK IS GOLD

#winter cabin #y/n pov #dean x reader #roonyxx #collab #jay and dean #dean smut #dean fluff #supernatural fanfic #spn #supernatural #smut

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twinkleimagines · 3 years

Text

*Let me please you *

You’re a virgin and Rafe wants to show you what it feels to have an orgasm without taking your virginity.

Warning ⚠️ smut and language

Not proofread

Rafe had always admired you. You guys were the same age, same schools but completely different clicks. your parents were rich yes, but you didn’t act anything like a kook. You were quiet, shy. Never once put a single bit of make up on.

You had a natural beauty that radiated off of you for miles. which was what first caught his eye. Rafe being the kook king though , so popular in the crowds, he never really gave you the time of day. yanno, reputation and all- not that you were seeking it out anyways.

You were definitely one of the girls that were considered nerdy. you spent most your time with your nose in your book or at home. you didn’t go to parties, you didn’t wear make up, you didn’t have a boyfriend and you really didn’t have friends.

Believe it or not though Rafe had definitely noticed you multiple times throughout the years. You were one of those girls that when he looked at you, you just looked so innocent and pure which if we’re being honest that’s exactly what you were and something about that just had him hooked to you. You were always so distracted that you never even realized the Kook king Admiring you from afar.

But now it’s the summer after your senior year and Rafe himself couldn’t stay away from you. It all started one morning when you both ran into each other at a coffee shop where you accidentally spilled your drink on him.

And honestly if it were anyone else he would’ve flipped his shit, probably cuss you out and make a big scene but when he looked down to see you, you’re innocent big (y/c/e) eyes and your loose curls tucked behind your ear as you frantically apologized for ruining his shirt, something in him switched and all He wanted to do was just hug you and protect you from the world.

Which He had done that ever since. He spent a little while talking to you at the coffee shop and managed to get you outside of your comfort zone, only a few months later becoming official in a relationship.

So now we are here today. At this point you and Rafe have been together almost 6 months now. You knew what type of guy he was but the way he was with you was like a whole different side of him and you had honestly fell in love with him. nobody realize how infatuated he really was with artistic stuff like you and how intelligent he really was when it came to business. It was always hidden behind his partying Ways and fighting that nobody really paid attention to him like you did.

you laid with your back propped up against Rafes headboard with a book in your lap as you silently read through the pages when Rafe walked in, his eyes landing on you.

“What are you reading ?” he asked. you sighed before lifting the book up slightly so he could read the back not breaking your trance from the page.

“Oh” he responded quietly before placing himself next to you in the bed. He sighed heavily as you felt his fingertips trail up your thigh, gently running up and down as he watched you intensely as your eyes scanned the words across each page.

“You’re so beautiful” he spoke out grabbing your attention. You glanced at him through the corner of your eye before going back to your book replying with a soft ‘thank you’. Hey grinned before placing his lips against your arm that he once had his head laying on. you furrowed your eyebrows together as you tried to continue focusing on the story in you book, only having to go back over the same paragraph because you didn't pay attention the first time.

you sat for a second trying to continue reading your book but at this point it was no use because of his actions and how much they were distracting you. You finally caved in and put your book down on the nightstand before turning to the side facing him, giving him a sly smile. He smiled at the invitation before he sat up and placed his lips against yours. they were soft and plum, the taste of peanuts from his snack earlier still lingering on his tongue. Your moaned softly against his lips as he pulled you closer to him by your hips. you felt his hand rolling closer to an area thats never been touched by him (or anyone) so you jumped slightly before pulling your lips away from his.

“im sorry” he quickly spoke out, pulling his hand away. “you okay?”

Rafe knew that you were a virgin. it was one of the things that he loved about you. It wasn’t a goal of his to take your virginity or anything but he did love the idea that he was going to get to be the one to show you all the pleasures and be your first with everything. He loved knowing how innocent and pure you were and it gave him all the more reason to be protective over you.

“Yeah I’m okay” you responded pushing some of your hair behind your ear.

He sat for a second looking at you. Even though his eyes were staring into yours, you could tell he was deep in thought.

“ I have an idea, if you’re up for it” he finally spoke out breaking the silence. you felt your heart flutter as you heard the words fall from his lips. your mind quickly began racing, thinking of all the possible things he would want to try at this moment,

you knew at one point in time Rafe would want to take things further. He defiantly had his fair share in women, and you were surprised he had lasted this long without trying to go further than just make out sessions with you. but by now you had fantasized on what it would be like to go further with him as well.

“ I know you want to save and wait on your virginity” he responded breaking your train of thought. “ but what if there’s other ways I can make you still feel good without going to that level?” he offered, his voice soft and gentle.

You bit your bottom lip with nervousness as his large but soft hand caressed your thigh, rubbing back and forth with comfort. The only thing you guys have ever done this whole time was kiss and grope each other. You’ve never even experience and orgasm. Not even by yourself. You sat and hesitated for a second, questioning yourself if you were ready to take things further. you were almost 20 at this point and you were very happy with the Rafe, so much that you didn’t even see the possibility of you guys not being together.

you finally nodded giving him approval. he smiled widely at you, satisfaction radiating through him knowing that he was finally going to be able to please you in some way .

“What are you going to do?” you asked, your palms getting sweaty from nerves. He shook his head before placing his hand on the side of your face, rubbing gently circles with his thumb.

“ I just want you to relax princess.”

Rafe placed his lips back against yours before hovering over you, causing you to lean back, your head landing on his pillow. .

he placed one of his legs in-between yours, Your eyes widening as you felt his knee press against you applying pressure. you moved your hips slightly, feeling your body crave for that feeling again. You gasped slightly as you realized he had done it on purpose when his knee continued moving back-and-forth against you. Your mouth stood wide open as your eyes close feeling the movement from Rafe.

“does that feel good baby?” he questioned staring down at you as if if he was a painter and you were his own painting.

You bit your lip before nodding slightly opening your eyes to make contact with his.

‘Here come here’ he said before removing himself from above you, propping himself up against the headboard. “Sit on my lap” he instructed. you hesitated for a second before obliging. He tugged on your pajama shorts pulling them against your heated core before pulling you up against his crotch by your hips.

‘Just do like this princess” he insisted as he applied pressure against your bottom with his hand pulling you forward towards him. You grinded youirself against him until your hips were touching his before he pushed back against on you, making you slide back down. he watched your face for any type of expression before repeating the movements once again pulling you forward towards him.

You felt uncomfortable at first, not so much that you weren’t enjoying it but just because you had never done anything like this before and you weren’t sure if you were making a fool of yourself or not. But the feeling you were getting felt so good that you didn’t want to stop regardless of how you looked so you continue moving your hips against him. At first your movements were slow- your hips grinding against his very prominent Boner in between your legs as you slid up and down it.

you mumbled a few ‘fuck’s and ‘God!’ out , as well as Rafe’s name as your thighs slightly trembling around him.. Rafe Pulled your hair away from your face so he could watch you. your eyes squinted shut as your mouth gaped open, moans slipping out. It felt good to him as well even though he wasn't inside you, but just watching you unfold on top of him beat any orgasm he’s ever had.

“feels good doesn’t it princess?” he groaned out as your movements against him began to speed up.

“ yes Rafe” you moan out loudly. even though you took Rafe by surprise at your outburst, he almost came undone right then and there. He had never seen this side of you and it was the hottest thing he had ever seen.

“ it feels so good” you breathed out, your arms placed over his shoulders as your hands tugged on his hair. your hips were moving faster faster before soon started to feel this tingly feeling and the bottom of your stomach. it was definitely an unfamiliar feeling but it felt so amazing and it gave you a feeling of you needed to keep going as your climax was building up.

Rafe could tell you were getting close as your moans became uncontrollably consistent, and your body rocking against his became fast and rough, which Rafe was to just as close just by the feeling of you dry humping him and the sight of you.

“Oh my God I think I’m cumming!” you cried out as you felt your clit throbbing. this unexplainable feeling rushed through your lower abdomen causing your hips to jolt forward a few times as you rode out your high. your hips finally came to a halt as you tried to catch your breath. you laid your forehead against rafes before chuckling slightly, almost lost for words as to what you had just done.

“ Wow” was all you could say causing Rafe to laugh loudly while nodding.

“ I know princess, you're amazing” he praised. you shifted slightly against him before looking up in confusion as you still felt a hard Boner pressed against you.

“wait, did you finish?” you asked.

Rafe shook his head no and you sat for a second with confusion. After the way he had just made you feel, you wanted to repay him by getting him off as well, but with you being so unexperienced you honestly had no clue what to do for him.

“well what can I do?” you finally asked, pushing your curls behind your ear once again, another little thing you did that turned him on.

“You don’t have to do anything princess I was doing this for you” he said shaking his head. “ I wanted you to feel good.” you grinned shyly lowering your hand as you thought back to a few moments ago when you practically dry humped your boyfriend to an orgasm.

“Well I did feel good and I want to repay you, if you’ll let me” you offered with pleading eyes.

He sat for a second, this time him being the one to think it through. of course he wanted you to do stuff to him, but he didn't want to make you feel pressured. the thought of you wanting to please him willingly made his dick jump in his jeans. he finally looked you in the eyes, a nod following shortly after.

“only if you want to princess” he responded. he waited patiently for you to assure him that you really wanted to do this before he pulled his long hard member out of his pants.

Throughout the 6 months that you have been together, this was the first time you had actually seen it. Not that Rafe was hiding himself, but he just felt it was best for when you were actually ready. you have felt it of course but seeing that now, you were flabbergasted.

“You’re huge rafe” you blurted out with your eyes wide. He laughed at your cuteness from the outburst that had caused your cheeks to turn cherry red. “Come here” he spoke softly, his hand grabbing ahold of yours.

“ I’ll show you what you can do” he said before placing your hand around his member, his hand helping guide yours along his cock

“. Does it feel good?” you asked, your eyes focused very intensely on his expressions, needing clarification since you hadn't a clue what to do. Rafe nodded while leaning his head back some, his eyes lowering.

“ yes princess” he said, his voice soft and comforting. He’s had plenty of hand jobs before, but it was different when it was yours. He just had so much love for you at this point. You were the first girl he had ever spent time with and was in a relationship with that didn't include sex, which made you bond even more. The love he had for you was like no other, and so was the feeling of your hand around him right now.

You bit your lip as you continued to pump your hand around him, squeezing slightly and twisting your hands in circles. Even though you had never watched porn or you had never personally done any of this yourself, you had read a lot of books that would sometimes go in detail into their sex scenes. You tried basing it off of what you had read, and by reading Rafe’s face, it was clear he was enjoying it.

You ran your thumb over his tip causing him to twitching your hands leaving a smirk on your face as you watched his breath hitch in the back of his throat>

“You’re doing so good princess” he praised. you sat for a second as you hesitated your next move before finally just lowering your head, wrapping your lips around him. at this point Rafe was in complete shock seeing you build the confidence to please him the way you were. You were doing so good even though you had no prior experience.

“ princess your mouth feels so good” he groaned out, his voice deep and low. Your moaned slightly as you felt his fingers run through your hair pushing down slightly.

You weren’t sure why you were so nervous before but now that you were actually doing it and watching how much you were pleasing Rafe turned you on more than you have ever been in your entire life and you didn’t want to stop. you continue bobbing your head up and down, your hand following in the same motion as Rafe continued to moan and praise you for your actions.

"baby I’m gonna to cum” he breathe out his hips slightly bucking up into your mouth hitting the back of your throat. you gagged slightly, your throat clenching aorund him.

“Fuck baby girl” he groaned out as his member started to twitch. you could feel him tugging on your hair trying to pull your head up but with all the confidence you had and the adrenaline, you kept your head lowered down on him. your lips were almost touching his pelvic bone, his tip deep in the back of your throat. you held your breath as you tried not to gag but the clenching from your throat immediately set Rafe’s orgasm off, his warm load shooting down the back of your throat. your eyes widened for a second as you tasted a thick warm salty substance fill in your mouth. Rafe bucked his hips in your mouth a few more times before his hips came to a complete stop. You lifted your head up slowly , your mind racing about what you had just done as Rafe watched you, making sure you were okay with what had just happened.

his member immediately got hard again when you looked up at him through your eyelashes, slowly wiping the side of your mouth off from the saliva that was placed on the side of your lips.

“ God princess you’re just so perfect.” Rafe said. He stared at you and thought about all the other things he wanted to do to you. he wanted to taste you and feel himself inside you but it was much more satisfying to him knowing that you willingly wanted to do these things with him and he that didn’t force you to do anything. Knowing that you waited all these years and he got to be the one to finally let you experience it was the biggest flex he had on himself. It brought a warm feeling in his heart.

“Did you like it?” he asked after he cleaned himself off placing his member back in his pants. You nodded before looking down with a shy smile as your cheeks turning cherry red.

“ I did I really did” you responded before laying yourself down next to him, placing your head on his chest.

“ maybe we can even do some more later tonight” you offered causing a big grin to form across his face.

****

Maybe part 2???

✨feedback , like and reblog is greatly appreciated 💗✨

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jungkxook · 4 years

Text

—backseat serenade. (m)

⟶ pairing: taehyung x reader

⟶ genre: punk!taehyung / band au / brother’s best friend au + smut

⟶ words: 10,790

⟶ rating: 18+

⟶ summary: falling in love and having weekly sex with kim taehyung is wrong for a number of reasons — and, no, that’s not including the whole other issue that he’s also your brother’s best friend

⟶ warnings: multiple sex scenes, slight exhibitionism if u look hard enough, wall sex, car sex, unprotected sex, all the sex (seriously), fingering, pussy slapping (also if u look hard enough), lots of teasing, doggy style, riding, creampie

⟶ disclaimer: this story is another repost of an old one (although it’s basically been entirely rewritten lol)!

⟶ this is part of the melodrama tour series!

“We have to hurry. I don’t have a lot of time.”

Taehyung says this with much difficulty, of course, especially when considering you’re currently pressed up against him, his fingers digging crescent-moons into your hips ━ but he knows you’re teasing him now.

You can’t help it, though; he just makes it so easy for you.

He can be so stubborn and impatient at times that poking fun at him brings you quite a bit of joy. Maybe not so much to him, as he often whines and complains that you like to torture him, but, really, how could you not? When you think about what he’s usually like in bed, away from prying eyes, it’s entirely different. So to see that dominance in him fade into nothing short of helpless is simply satisfying ━ even if you know you’ll pay for it at a later time. It doesn’t always happen either but when it does, you bask in it for as long as possible.

Which is why you seem to take the liberty of “torturing” him so sweetly now, just before the boys are about to play a gig at a bar late one night. Taehyung had found you the moment he and the boys had finished soundchecking for the evening, then had you pinned up against the brick wall of the dingy washroom, his hips digging harshly into yours, and his hand now gripping your thigh around his waist. It might have been you who instigated it, hooded eyes and fluttering lashes and shit-eating grins meeting him in secret from across the room as he stood on stage before you with his bass guitar in hand, but Taehyung was the one to put it into action just like he always does, pulling you in there even despite the fact that they were scheduled to play in twenty minutes.

But who could blame you? Taehyung is always so charming, and tonight he was looking extra irresistible. Maybe it was the silky blouse, the first few buttons left open so that the floral tattoo on his chest pokes through, leaving very little to the imagination, or maybe it was the way he had let his hair grow out a little longer than usual, soft dark curls pushed back by a single bandana.

“You’ll be late,” You warn him in between heated kisses as he pecks his way down to the underside of your jaw where he tongues a warm pattern there.

“Just a quickie,” Taehyung promises gruffly. His hips rut against yours again and you feel his straining erection against your inner thigh. Poor thing. “Been dying all day to feel you on my dick.”

You only hum in response, a small amused smirk plastered on your face. He’s sucking a hickey onto your neck when he speaks next.

“Had all these thoughts but I was all alone. It was terrible.”

“What kind of thoughts?” You pry, quirking a brow. Your fingers toy at the top of his belt buckle, pulling him towards you. “Let me guess. Were you thinking about what it feels like to have my mouth on you? All warm and wet.”

He doesn’t move a muscle when he feels your hand trail lower past his belt only to grab at his crotch through the rough material of his jeans. You press your palm against him and he hisses.

“Sucking you off nice and slow, just how you like it?” You probe, teeth tugging at his lower lip when he catches your mouth on his once more. Your voice is low and sultry and invokes something in him that has him tensing. “Or maybe the way it felt when you had me bent over your kitchen counter the other day. You know, you always make me feel so good, Tae━”

He growls against your mouth but the harsh sound dissolves into a strangled whine. “Don’t start something you can’t finish, love.”

“And I always love when you pull at my hair too━” But you continue on as if he hadn’t even spoken, the thrill of the moment coursing through your veins like crackling electricity. “And when you grip my thighs so tightly when your head’s between my legs━”

“Y/N,” he says your name in a strained warning, bordering on a desperate beg if you listen close enough. He gets distracted when you suck delicately on a spot on his jawline and has to take a few deep breaths to calm his nerves. “Please. I’ll do anything. Just let me fuck that pretty mouth of yours.”

“My mouth?” You ask, tantalizingly slowly. “Or me?”

“I’m a simple man, I just wanna cum,” he hums, earning a delighted snort from you. “I’ll take whatever you give me, Y/N, please.”

“Hmm…” You trail off. You press your palm a little harder against him, rubbing your hand across his length. “Think I want you inside me, Tae. Wanna be wrecked by you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Now, this seems to excite him to no end. He fumbles with his belt at once. A devious cackle meets his ears and he knows you’re purposely toying with him. The next few moments unfold in a blur as his eager hands join with your own nimble ones, having his belt undone in a matter of seconds and your skirt hitched up nearly to your waist. With one hand gripping his straining and leaking cock as he pulls himself free from his pants, the other hitches one of your thighs to his waist. He pushes into you at once, the familiar feeling of your wet walls coaxing him in further and further as he sinks against your chest entirely, a beautiful luscious moan falling from his lips and a hiss of glee from yours. And, then, all at once, it’s as if all the pressure that has been building up inside of him tumbles to the forefront to be released.

“Jesus, fuck,” he grunts. He buries his head against your chest, one hand feverishly grasping at your breasts from under your shirt, fortunate you chose to forgo a bra for the night.

“Ooh, Tae━” Your own arms wrap around his neck, holding him tightly to you, but you don’t think he’ll bother going very far when his own weight slumps against you entirely, pressing you against the wall roughly. And even though he’s quick to fuck himself into you, his hips hardly stray far from yours too, causing you to bob violently up and down the wall behind you, the rough brick structure scratching at your flesh paling in comparison to the cool metallic rings on his fingers holding you up and the burn between your legs as his cock stretches you open.

“Nice to know that’s all I am to you━” Your head falls back against the wall as he continues. “Something you can use to get off. Not that I mind.”

“Nah, that’s not all you are to me,” Taehyung sharply inhales, and then shudders. In the heat of the moment, you miss the sentiment in his voice. He lifts his head to yours finally, smothering your lips with his. “But your pretty little cunt sure is nice.”

A maniacal cackle bubbles at your throat as you nip at his lower lip. Before you can respond, outside the washroom Jimin’s voice can be heard calling out aimlessly for Taehyung as the boy most likely wanders by, oblivious to what’s unfolding only a few feet away from him. “Has anyone seen Tae? Taehyung! Get your ass back here or we’re gonna be late━”

Taehyung groans out of frustration and buries his face in the crook of your neck, grumbling angrily, “Fuckin’ hell.”

But despite the Jimin’s close proximity and despite Taehyung’s bitter resentment for it, his hips still continue to rut into yours. You do manage to pull apart from his mouth and giggle when he chases after your lips desperately. “Think that’s your cue, baby.”

“There’s no way you’d be that evil,” he protests like a whining child.

“But Jimin sounds pissed.”

Taehyung finds it hard to focus when your fingers tug at the collar of his shirt, absentmindedly (or so he thinks) running your hands under his shirt and over his chest. He cradles you close to him, following your every move. That, and the way your walls clench around him drives him wild. “Heaven forbid we let down Jimin.”

“Nnng━” You choke back a whimper. “He’ll be mad.”

“As if he wouldn’t already lose his shit if he found me here in such a compromising position with you being that you’re his sister.”

Compromising is certainly one word for it. So, maybe Taehyung had a point, but that never stopped him or you before. In fact, it only seemed to add to your lustful endeavours, as if you both enjoyed seeing how far you could push the boundaries before getting caught ━ or not.

It hadn’t always been like this. For a period of your life, you had somehow forced yourself to believe you had despised Taehyung as much as you claim, as much as you lie. You wondered just how Jimin could ever be friends with, or be as inseparable with, Taehyung as he was. Whereas Jimin is timid and shy, gentle and caring, like a soft breath of cool air on a hot summer’s day that sways the knee-high grass in meadows behind your house, Taehyung is energetic and effervescent, reckless and wild, akin to that of a sudden flash of lightning that breaks apart the calm sky, a clap of thunder that shakes even the very core of sleeping Gaia. Though, somehow, their two vastly different personalities come clashing together in a harmonious perfection and create something that is entirely too rambunctious for you to handle, even as a young child.

But now? Now you’re positive neither you nor Taehyung would stand a chance against Jimin’s wrath if he found out his best friend enjoyed weekly sex of all sorts with you, sometimes even when he’s asleep in the next room over in your shared apartment with him and Taehyung had somehow managed to sneak in during the night.

“You know he’s already suspicious,” You moan as his cock angles upward into you in such a way that makes your body tremble. You jut your hips forward, meeting his halfway. “Now━ Fuck, Tae━ you wanna… You wanna risk getting kicked from the band for not showing up to your set?”

“There’s still ten minutes,” he hisses hotly. “Ten minutes is more than enough time.”

“Then you’ll really be late.”

“It adds to the rockstar brand, doesn’t it?” he asks hastily. “Fuck, baby. You’re so fucking wet and you’re teasing me?”

He’s met with a roll of your eyes, and then a drunken snicker as you retort, “Maybe being fashionably late will be more acceptable when you’re a big celebrity.”

“Did you find him?” Another voice suddenly sounds from outside, this time resembling Hoseok’s. Taehyung wonders how they haven’t heard either of you yet, the lewd wet noises of his cock burrowing into your cunt seeming to grow louder each time. Surely, you would have been caught by now had it not been for the thudding bass of the music playing at the bar.

“No,” Jimin grumbles, closer this time.

A dangerously loud whimper tumbles from your lips and Taehyung hurries to clamp his hand over your mouth. You’re fortunate when he does, clinging to his hand as he pumps himself into you. At the very least, no matter how cocky Taehyung got with you or how many times he teased the thought of getting caught, he would never actually risk facing Jimin’s mighty wrath. Still, he finds a way to have fun with it.

“Uh oh.” Taehyung meets your darkened stare, lids heavy, as his other hand leaves your thigh to stick between your legs, fingers rubbing circles against your clit. You know he does it on purpose, judging by the broadening smirk on his face when the added stimulation makes your hips jerk instinctively beneath him. He’s surprised when you hardly let out a noise, safe for a sudden gasp for air. “Not even one tiny moan? Come on, baby.”

“Fuck it. Wherever he is, he better know we’re on in ten!” Jimin’s voice carries back to the two of you. Then, a little more faintly as he wanders off, you can hear him grumble, “I swear to God, this asshole━”

“Wait, wait━” You rasp suddenly, twisting and turning beneath Taehyung and the boy stops at once. You try not to let your heart swoon at the way his hands are all soft and gentle as they touch you now, sliding his palm off your mouth if only for it to fall to your hips where he rubs at comfortingly.

He tries to ignore the way his cock twitches, shoved so deep within your walls. “What’s wrong?”

You slither from his grasp, unraveling your leg from his waist and delicately pushing him away, trying not to focus on the way your pussy throbs at the sudden missing warmth of his length. Taehyung is suddenly even more concerned, the poor boy gawking at you helplessly, his swollen cock completely forgotten as he fixes himself back into his jeans, his attention solely focused on you and your wellbeing now.

“What happened? Did I hurt you━”

“No,” You promise. “No, I just━” You look sheepish, and he wonders why, up until he sees you fidgeting with your skirt in an attempt to fix it and the mischievous twinkle flashing in your eyes. “I just figured maybe we shouldn’t risk it tonight. I mean, you heard Jiminie.” You pat Taehyung’s chest once, smoothing out the material of his now crumpled shirt. “So, I’ll see you out there.”

Taehyung blinks once. “What the fuck.”

It doesn’t seem to hit him at first; not until he spots your wicked grin as you lean past him to look at your reflection in the mirror, fixing your clothes and hair. You wipe at a smudge of lipstick in the corner of your mouth, and Taehyung gaps.

“Y/N, what the fuck?” he whines. Needy and desperate hands try to grab at you on your way to the door, but he ultimately lets you weave your way out of his reach. “What are you, the antichrist? Don’t be such a tease. I’ve got a problem that you helped start. It’s only fair if you help finish it.”

Admittedly, it is cruel. He looks both shameless and shameful, an exasperated and flustered expression to match the helpless state he’s in. Shirt askew on his shoulders, hair a wild mess, and his painfully obvious boner struggling against his jeans. You almost feel bad, until you realize you shouldn’t be. Because this is all it’s ever been between the two of you ━ sex, and more sex, no feelings attached, but lately something seems off… Either way, Taehyung will get over it, and he’ll still come crawling back for more which is why you have no qualms when you leave. Just, maybe, not in the way you would like.

The last thing he sees of you before you flee the washroom for him to fend for himself is a seductive smirk and a wink being thrown over your shoulder as you remark innocently, prettily, “You have hands.”

And then you’re gone, leaving him alone in the dingy washroom. He doesn’t come out right away, though it leaves the restless boys that make his band awaiting him to speculate some more.

“He’s gonna totally screw us over if he doesn’t show up in the next two minutes,” Jimin is saying hotly to the boys behind the stage when you rejoin them. The bar is already filling up with partygoers but mostly fans of the band, eagerly anticipating the set.

“Relax, Jimin,” Namjoon says carelessly. “He’s probably getting blown in the washroom or something. Can’t rush a man through these things.”

Jimin rolls his eyes as the others snicker. When the others have distracted themselves by discussing other business, you approach your brother casually, saying as inconspicuous as possible yet reassuringly, “Everything will be fine. I’m sure he’ll be here any second.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if he throws this all away for a girl,” Jimin shakes his head. “It’s a miracle he ━ or any of the guys, for that matter ━ hasn’t tried anything on you yet.”

You try to laugh, though the sound is more forced and strained than you would like. At least Jimin doesn’t seem to notice. “But he’s your friend. Don’t you trust him?”

“I do trust him,” Jimin replies. “He’s a good guy, he’s just too caught up in all this band life. We’ve both seen it with the guys, especially with Taehyung. They take advantage of this stuff in the early stages.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry,” You promise. “I’m not interested in your friends and never will be ━ especially not Taehyung.”

Fortunately, the dreaded conversation doesn’t last much longer. Taehyung does end up making it to his own set on time, and when he finds you out in the crowd, you’re smirking deviously up at him for a secret that never has to be told aloud to the world and certainly not to Jimin.

You don’t quite remember when you and Taehyung started hooking up behind your brother’s back or what exactly caused it.

If you think back long and hard enough, you’re positive it was the result of some sort of drunken one night stand that elapsed into sober days and conscious decision making, which then turned into weeks, then months, which leaves you to where you are now. Almost a year of sucking your brother’s best friend’s dick and you’ve somehow, miraculously, never been caught. But aside from occasionally sleeping with one another, there was nothing more to be exposed to Jimin in terms of romance. Because, as far as he was aware, you and Taehyung were still embroiled in your childhood rivalry with one another that was less violent now than when you were younger and more civil, aside from the offhanded jabs and retorts shot at one another. And, as far as Taehyung and you were aware, the charade and the hook-ups all resulted in a peculiar sort of friendship between the two of you that was certainly as far as either of you would take things. Supposedly.

But between sexual teasing and taunts, you sometimes wonder if the lines have begun to blur, and if you’ve gotten too comfortable with Taehyung asking to sleep in your bed. Which is why, maybe, you overcompensate by “torturing” him on the days that he really needs you, like the night before in the grimy washroom of the bar. He hadn’t joined the real world or the band until the very last second they were meant to go on stage, looking all the more discomposed and flushed in the face when he rushed out, though at least he had somehow managed to tame his raging boner.

Now you were certain the universe was toying with you, bittersweet payback coming to nip you in the ass.

You hadn’t been so bothered the night before, leaving with the boys when their set was done and returning to your home with Jimin, not a word being uttered between you and Taehyung, even up until the very next day where you find yourself now. Crammed in a local studio run by some friend Yoongi had known from college, you were quite used to watching the band brainstorm new lyrics and record songs in real time, all from the sofa shoved up against one wall of the small space. You had been there every step of the way ━ their first rehearsal as a formed band, the day they discovered the group’s name in almost a dreamlike epiphany, the release of their very first full-length album produced and recorded all by them and promoted all by them, their very first gig with a decent following and the jittery anxiety they had all been troubled by, and every gig following it in which their nerves subsided and their effervescent charm and credence began to finally show through. But they had never been as disconcerted as they had now ━ which, really, you don’t blame them.

“Bro, this is stressing me out.” This aggravated groan sounds from Jungkook, the band’s lead guitarist.

He’s currently splayed out on the ground of the sofa you’re seated on, head thrown back against the cushions. Every other boy in the studio bare a similar wearied look ━ even Jimin, as their usual spritely lead singer.

You suppose that’s just the inevitable stress bound to occur when a scout from the infamous Columbia Records had somehow found the band either in person at one of their gigs or online and taken an interest in them and were interested in signing them. After weeks of back and forth discussion, Jin had been fortunate enough to land a meeting with the label in New York City, looking promising enough to excite even the stoic Yoongi. And after a month of planning, their meeting was set to take place finally only a week from that day. The issue seemed to arise when the label claimed they wanted the band to bring a set of new songs to the table to discuss at the last possible moment, sending the boys into a chaotic frenzy as they had only just released their first album a few months back. You had come to help the boys, though they were lucky enough to have found a handful of pre-written songs from their repertoire that still, unfortunately, needed fine tuning, vocals, and melodies. After working meticulously all morning, they were only just now deciding to split for a much needed lunch break.

“Same here,” Jimin says glumly, rubbing at his tired eyes. “Can’t wait to get out of here. I feel like I’m going insane.”

As the boys begin to shift and move, Jin gets to his feet and clasps his hands onto Jimin’s shoulders, giving him a reassuring nudge. “Just think about it: international success and Grammys await.”

“If we don’t fall apart before then,” Namjoon stifles a yawn as he stretches out his arms. He tosses a glance at you and Taehyung. “You guys coming?”

“Yeah,” You say, though you hardly move from your seat. “I’ll be there.”

“I’ll catch up with you guys in a minute,” Taehyung nods. He’s sat across from you on the couch, journal propped on one knee as he scrawls away in it, a jarble of chord progressions and lyrics. “Just gonna finish cleaning up in here.”

It seems convincing enough to Namjoon and the rest of the boys, even Jimin who is already out the door, not in the least bit suspicious of you or Taehyung. Honestly, you’re sure not even Taehyung is suspicious of your unmoving presence beside him until the boys leave and suddenly the room falls silent.

“You’re stressed,” You point out in a gentle musing. Which is true. You don’t usually see Taehyung riddled with anxieties, typically keeping to himself and maintaining some sort of effortless and mysterious coolness around the others.

The boy quirks a brow as he lifts his gaze to look up at you, tossing the journal onto the ground. Whether or not he seems to catch the underlying suggestive and sultry tone in your voice, you’re not quite sure but could you really blame yourself? It was difficult having to watch Taehyung all morning in his element, gazing at him whenever he was in the recording booth, headphones dangling from his neck and bass guitar in his lap as his expert fingers thrummed away at the strings. He always looks most attractive to you when he’s so utterly consumed by his work and his art, whether it be on stage in front of hundreds of people or in a more intimate setting at recordings or practices.

“What happened to you not wanting to disappoint Jimin by getting caught or whatever it was?” he asks, waving his hand dismissively. “Staying back with me is definitely gonna catch his attention.”

“Maybe,” You shrug. You catch his hand as he brings it back down, raising it to your lips to kiss at the tips of his fingers slowly, one-by-one, never once breaking eye contact with him. “I was just thinking you could use some help. And an apology for yesterday.”

Despite the way Taehyung’s dark gaze scrutinizes you in a taunting manner, he still watches as you take his hand and place it between your thighs, over your core. At least today you chose to wear leggings, the smooth material allowing for very little obstacles standing in his way as you press his fingers against you. A wolfish smirk tugs at his lips. “You think your pussy’s gonna help me?”

“Yes, actually, I do,” You say, matter-of-fact. “And I don’t think it will; I know. If I remember correctly, you were begging to use me as a stress-reliever before your set yesterday.”

Taehyung clucks his tongue. “Sounds a lot to me like you just want my fingers in you. Not so nice now being the needy one, huh?”

“I want you to do a lot of things to me, Tae.”

“Careful, baby. You’re playing a dangerous game,” Taehyung says. Still, he entertains the idea. Pressing his thumb harder against you, he rubs leisurely at the sensitive part of your clit over your clothes and the sudden feeling makes you pur with glee. “Besides, why should I be so nice and help you after what you did to me?”

You roll your eyes. “You’re still on about that? You’re a grown man, you can pleasure yourself.”

“How mean.” He feigns a look of mock hurt. “It doesn’t feel as nice when it isn’t you.”

“Taehyung,” You scold his name in a warning, but it mostly comes out as a contented sigh. You know you’ve already won him over, though the impatient tug you give on his arm as you clutch at his wrist of the hand still between your legs is a wordless reminder. Your fingers flutter up to his face, pulling him down for a kiss which he gladly obliges to. “Think they’ll walk in?”

“Nah.” His voice is a throaty murmur. “We’ve got some time. The boys’ seem worried enough as is; think they’re already halfway to that pho place around the corner they wanted to try, and they’re probably not gonna wanna come back here for at least another hour. Plus, I think we’ve given the producers a raging headache with all our requests so they definitely won’t want to be back in here for a while.”

You snicker at the thought, humming into his mouth as you pull him down with you onto the sofa, bending your knee so as to let him slide into place between your legs more comfortably. He pulls his hand away from you only long enough to lick at his digits before slipping his hand past the waistband of your leggings this time. Nudging aside your underwear, he swipes his fingers at your clit, marveling at your stickiness.

Your breath hitches in your throat. “What do we say when they ask where we went?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he grunts into your mouth. “Fuck, tell them we were busy fucking for all I care.”

You swat at his chest playfully but lose your spirit when he presses his thumb against your clit, causing your hips to rut forward in a silent plea. Taehyung’s right, you think. Your excuse for the boys can be worried about later. Now, Taehyung slides a finger into you, then another, stretching you open experimentally, causing you to croon.

Face warm and head spinning, a sudden thought pops into your head that seems much more intimate than his fingers in you. “So━” You bite your lip to stop a moan. The question that forms on your tongue is timid despite the lewd things that threaten to run through your mind at his every touch, “S-So, what happens when you’re a big and famous rockstar, touring the world now?”

“I’ll take you with me.” Taehyung tongues a pattern down to the underside of your jaw, sending shivers down your spine. He curls his fingers upward, sinking further into you until he’s reached his knuckles, enjoying the way your hips twitch beneath him. “Fuck you in every city we go to, in every fancy, over-the-top hotel we stay in. New York, L.A., Paris, London, Rome…”

“Romantic,” You snort, although maybe it kind of is if you think about it long enough. He slides a third finger into you then, fucking his digits in and out of you at a gradual pace that has your core aching. You’re all warm and wet around him that it goes straight to his dick, the thought of him tearing you apart as he plunges his cock into you making him grow antsy. It does the same to you. “Nnngh, Taehyung━ We’ll see about that when you meet pretty girls thousands of miles away who can offer you so much more than me.”

“Hmm… Dunno about that,” he hums. “There’s only gonna be you.”

You wonder if he knows what he’s doing, the way his words make your heart stutter in your chest. But then you start to wonder why you’re even feeling such things for him. Pretty words promising you that you meant more to him than sex meant little to you in comparison when he never acted upon it ━ but could you blame him? Even you were apprehensive of ruining what you already had with him, his friendship with Jimin if you told him how you were feeling lately, and the integrity of the band.

Your legs tremble as your orgasm approaches. Taehyung busies himself by nipping and sucking at your neck and all you can do is puff and pant, the lewd wet noises of his fingers penetrating you filling your ears. “Taehyung━ God, I wanna feel your dick so badly.”

“Yeah?” he growls. “Gonna let me fuck you finally? You’re so wet right now, could slip right in. Fuck, look at what you do to yourself by being so mean to me.”

He twists his finger up into you in such a way that has you grinding against his knuckles. “Please, Tae━”

“Got you stretched so wide too,” Taehyung hums pensively. “Your pussy always takes me so well too, doesn’t it?”

“Hmm, Taehyung!”

“Look at you,” he hisses, quickening his pace. Your back arches until your chest is pressed flush against his, walls quivering around his fingers. You reach out desperately for his face, smoothing your lips over his but you fail to really make any sort of connection. Instead, your jaw unhinges in a breathless moan against his mouth as he rests his forehead against yours. “Wanna come around my fingers so badly, don’t you? So close too.”

“Fuck, fuck, I’m━” Your hands ball into fists around the collar of his shirt. Your eyes threaten to roll back as you get closer and closer, your aching pussy so close to feeling its much needed relief when━ “What the fuck, Taehyung?”

He pulls his hand from your core before you can cum, leaving you a sweating and panting mess. The sudden loss of contact leaves you dumbfounded, gawking at the boy who’s suddenly grinning in a similar ungodly manner to your selfish response to him the day before. Payback has never tasted so sweet before to him, and so bitter to you.

“You did that on purpose,” You whine, jutting your hips forward desperately to meet his hand again. Instead, he gives your leaking and sensitive pussy one slap, the pleasant jolt shooting up your spine making you moan. “You’re so mean. I thought you were over it.”

“Well, now I am.” He pulls his hand out from between your legs and licks at his fingers. “Have you had your fun?”

It takes you a moment to respond as you gather yourself. He finds your sulking a little hilarious, and maybe also feels a little bad. “For now.”

“That’s a good girl.” He leans down to kiss your mouth hungrily, enjoying when you suck eagerly at his lower lip. “Because I’ve had my fun.”

You open your mouth to say something more but are stopped shortly when, somewhere outside the recording room, you can hear the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching, followed by the sound of the doorknob turning and Jimin’s curious voice, “Tae?”

You and Taehyung have stumbled off of one another within seconds, listening to the way Taehyung curses under his breath as he flings himself off the couch and a few feet away as you sit upright on the sofa. You have to only pray and hope that you both don’t look too obvious, though you think it’s too late for that. Either way, you cross one thigh over the other, biting down harshly on your tongue as Jimin stumbles into the room. As his gaze sweeps fleetingly across the room, he hardly takes note of both you and Taehyung.

“There you two are,” he says. “Was wondering where you went off to. And━” His stare flutters over to Taehyung for a moment and you hold your breath, fearing he may know a little too much, when━ “There’s my wallet! I knew I forgot it here.”

He crosses the room swiftly and plucks his abandoned wallet from the desk, holding it up to show the two of you. You smile nervously and Taehyung takes it upon himself to answer, clearing his throat in the process. “We were just gonna catch up with you, actually. Y/N was just helping me finish up here.”

You’re fortunate that Jimin’s probable sudden panic of trying to find his wallet and the relief of realizing he hadn’t lost it to the ether is what distracts him. He seems hardly intrigued by your lack of presence or yours and Taehyung’s odd companionship without the other boys. Whatever the case, you both manage to make it out of the recording studio unscathed and Taehyung does a well enough job at deflecting from any further suspicions by talking as normally as he usually would with Jimin on your walk over to the restaurant the rest of the boys are at.

Well, as unscathed as you can be, the tragedy of your lost orgasm still haunting you even as you sit across from Taehyung at the table.

“Now you’ll really be late.”

You say this as a heedful warning, though you’re fortunate when you find that you’re both distracted this time.

You know you have Taehyung under your spell that morning when he catches you purposely wandering his apartment in nothing but a pair of your panties. It’s not as if it’s uncommon to see you naked in his kitchen, making breakfast. That morning, when you walk into the bedroom holding a cup of tea, Taehyung almost chokes at the sight of your bare chest. It’s early the day of the band’s flight to New York City for their meeting with Columbia Records, and though Taehyung has roughly an hour before he has to leave the apartment, you’re worried he might just miss the flight altogether when he pulls you onto his bed again after a night of fucking.

“Don’t care. Come here.” His large hands are on you in an instant, roaming your body as he kisses the underside of your jaw and pins you beneath him. You let him get carried away, let him leave a trail of sloppy kisses from your lips down to your collarbones and in between your breasts.

“What are you gonna tell the boys when they’re on a flight to New York and you’re still in your apartment?” You rasp, fingers threading in his hair.

“Was busy spending the last twenty-four hours making hot, passionate love to you.”

The wry grin on his face makes it come across as a joke and makes your heart skip a beat. Admittedly, that was partly the truth. He had invited you over the day before and you had spent the better part of it in his bed in every position imaginable. Have to make up for the three days we won’t see each other, he had said after your first round, head between your legs and mouth on your cunt.

You snicker now but the sound falls short when a moan replaces it. “Don’t think you can call it passionate love making when you gave up halfway and made me ride you like you always do.”

He gasps and bites down teasingly on your skin but not with enough pressure to hurt. “Was that a jab at my manhood?”

“Of course not.”

“Besides, I like it best when you’re in charge.”

You roll your eyes but pull him up to your face so that you can kiss him again. It’s an odd shift in atmosphere when you find him kissing you in a chaste manner, despite having marked you red all over and legs still shaking from how many times he’s made you come in the last twenty-four hours. But it wasn’t all sex for once. Falling asleep in his arms left you still dreaming even when you were long awake.

“Gonna miss you,” he whispers once he parts from you. He rubs soft circles against your hips, nuzzling his nose against your cheek.

“It’s only for three days,” You say.

“I know,” he sighs. “I just━ God, I’ve gotten so used to you being here. I’m just sick of sleeping alone all the time. Shit, I don’t think I’m making any sense anymore. All I know is you’re driving me crazy.”

“Taehyung…”

“Am I wrong to feel that way?” He lifts his head now to look at you, ardent sincerity glazing over his eyes as he gazes at you.

You’re too caught up in the moment, the lustful afterglow of sex and whatever else is starting to emerge however blurry it may be now, to not notice right away the sound of knocking on the front door. Instead, you reach out to push his hair out of his eyes. You think you know what he means; you just want to hear him say it aloud. Your question is a gentle probe. “What are you trying to say?”

“I━”

But Taehyung’s voice is cut short by the sound of Jin’s shouting from the front door. “Taehyung, you in here?”

Wide eyes meet with yours in the sudden alarming panic of Jin’s arrival. Taehyung grumbles mostly to himself, “God dammit, what’s he doing here?”

You can hear the band’s manager talking aloud, quite possibly to another one of the boys that he’s dragged with him, and you and Taehyung scramble to react. Taehyung only has enough time to clamber out of his bed and pull on a pair of discarded sweatpants from the floor as you pull on one of his sweaters and grab the bedsheet to cling to your chest if only so it can hide the rest of your bare legs.

“Are you alive?” Jin’s asking, closer this time.

“We had to come check on you━” You don’t register the second voice until it’s too late.

Because there, standing at the threshold of Taehyung’s door to his room, is not just Jin but your brother. Jimin’s familiar pop of bright blue hair and nonchalant smile are much too hard to forget. But, upon stumbling across Taehyung’s room, they each come to a stuttering halt. It doesn’t take long for the realization to dawn on them ━ and how could they not piece together the puzzles painting such a painfully obvious picture? The dishevelled bed, the clothes that litter his floor, your clothes that litter his floor, Taehyung’s shirtless and sloppy attire, your own half-hearted attempt at dressing yourself and the marks that riddle your body that you were banking on fading completely by the time you were reunited with Jimin after their return from their meeting.

“Uh…” Taehyung trails off awkwardly. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Oh shit,” Jin curses under his breath. Despite having no idea whatsoever about you or Taehyung (though maybe having a better inkling than the rest of the boys), he turns hastily towards Jimin. “Maybe now’s not a good time.”

But Jimin hardly budges. Instead, he looks enlivened, jaw setting harshly in place as his brows furrow into a scowl. “Jin knows I have a spare key to your place after that one time you locked yourself out and he wanted to make sure we all met up before getting to the airport. You weren’t answering our calls, thought you were dead. Guess now I know it’s because you were too busy fucking my sister.”

“Jimin,” You hiss sharply.

Taehyung shakes his head wildly. “It’s not like that.”

“Really?” Jimin retorts. “‘Cause it sure seems like it is.”

Taehyung grimaces. “Okay, yes, but not in the way you think. It’s not some meaningless fuck. I care about her.”

But that only seems to be the wrong answer. Would there ever be a right one? Taming Jimin’s stubborn anger and protectiveness over you was hard enough on any other day. Now that he knows you’ve slept with Taehyung, Taehyung felt as if he were a lost cause.

“How long has this been happening?” Jimin asks, tight-lipped.

You can’t bring yourself to answer, neither can Taehyung, and that seems to be enough to answer his worries. Maybe if you had acted faster, said it was only a one night stand, he wouldn’t have been able to read your mind so easily. Yet your silence was enough to make you guilty.

“Shit,” Jimin runs a hand through his hair. When he speaks next, he’s looking only at you. “Do you love him?”

“I━” You open your mouth, as if to explain yourself. This time, the answer came much easier. You know what you want to say, but voicing the truth out loud in front of your brother and Taehyung, who might not feel the same way, makes you clamp your mouth shut. Whatever your answer anyway should be for Taehyung only. Instead, you frown up at your brother. “I don’t get why you’re so upset anyway. Who cares if we’re in love? Who cares what we are? It’s not like you can control me. I can make these sorts of decisions myself, Jimin. This is ridiculous.”

“No. I get that,” Jimin says firmly. “But you’re my sister, and your wellbeing comes first to me. So, Tae━” Now, your brother turns to look at Taehyung. You’ve never seen him so furious before, disappointed even, and certainly not when it comes to Taehyung. “If you care about her so much, when were you gonna let her know?”

This seems to catch your attention, sending a curious gaze between Jimin and Taehyung. “Let me know what?”

“That he’s been screwing some other chick he met at the bar a while ago,” Jimin says. “Walked in on them once by accident and, after the fact, he said some similar bullshit about how it wasn’t meaningless or whatever.”

You blink.

The blow to your chest, and subsequently your heart, makes you teeter on your frail legs. Because if what Jimin was saying was true, then were all the sweet sentiments Taehyung whispered to you even yours to begin with? Did he care about you as much as you cared about him? But, the worst part of it all, is how utterly foolish you feel. Because when Taehyung doesn’t immediately answer, your question about whether or not Jimin was telling the truth was confirmed; and you had let yourself almost willingly fall for Taehyung despite all the warning signs. Despite the fact that you had both initiated your relationship on the basis that nothing would ever blossom from it.

“Is that true?” You ask Taehyung.

The boy hesitates. He meets your stare solemnly, flinching when he notes just how hurt you seem. “Partly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You demand. But before he can respond, you scoff under your breath as you begin to gather your belongings. “Oh my god. I’m so stupid━”

Taehyung starts. “Wait, Y/N━”

“Just leave her alone━” Jimin interrupts.

“Hey. Hey!” Jin snaps abruptly, the firm tone in his voice catching the boys’ attention. “We gotta go. Now. Taehyung, get yourself decent; Jimin, in the living room. We leave for the airport in five minutes.”

You decide you no longer want to wait for an answer. Your own embarrassment is far too much to handle for the moment being, and you favour the idea of fleeing from Taehyung’s sorrowful gaze, Jimin’s heated one, and Jin’s scrutinizing scowl.

You’re long gone before Taehyung can even think to stop you.

The three days in which the boys find themselves in New York City for their meeting with Columbia Records is the longest three days of your life.

Taehyung never bothers to call or text you ━ and the looming swell of concern of awaiting to hear his voice or your brother’s or any answer of how the meeting has gone fades in comparison. Because every sweet nothing he ever said to you suddenly means nothing, and you don’t know where that leaves you.

Just when you think you can take the torture no longer, the band returns. Jimin comes bounding into your shared apartment the moment his flight lands and the taxi has brought him home, greeting you with the wonderful news that the band’s been signed, and a celebration is in store consisting of their closest friends and family members. While you initially bask in Jimin’s excitement, mirroring your own, it quickly fades as you fear you’ve lost Taehyung for good.

“You’ll come to the party, won’t you?” Jimin asks hopefully at some point. “The boys will want you there.”

You shift warily in your seat on the sofa across from your brother who stands in the midst of the room after having animatedly relaying the story of the past three days to you. You shrug now, and when Jimin shoots you a quizzical look, you decide to approach the topic cautiously, dancing over your words slowly. “I dunno, Jimin. If he’s gonna be there… I don’t know if I can face him right now.”

Jimin comes to an immediate halt. His face falls and he sinks onto the seat beside you. “Y/N… Look, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. While we were away, Taehyung and I talked and he’s gutted about what happened. But that’s all I can say. I think you should talk to each other. No, I want you to talk to each other. I know now that you’re meant for one another.”

“Are you only telling me this because you’re being your best friend’s wingman, or because you’re being my brother?” You ask, a weak lighthearted attempt at a joke.

“Both,” Jimin says warmly. “Because I care about you both, and I don’t want to have to live with the regret of being the reason two people perfect for each other aren’t together.”

And when your brother says it with such earnestness, you have no choice but to believe him.

So, despite feeling like a fool for potentially crossing paths with Taehyung again, you muster the nerve and motivation to go, and arrive at the party with Jimin later that night. The impromptu last minute party itself is held at Namjoon’s home, filled to the brim with mostly familiar faces and a few unrecognizable ones that must be acquaintances of the boys you’ve never met before. You make your rounds and congratulate the boys one-by-one, being enveloped into a tight hug with each one, safe for Taehyung whom you don’t see at first.

You’re fortunate when mutual friends of yours and Jimin’s arrive, spending the majority of the night with them as your brother wanders off to get wasted. At some point, as the night drawls on, you catch sight of Taehyung and the presence of him is enough to dampen your mood entirely. You decide you’re no longer in the mood for a party, and make haste for the door, stumbling out onto the lawn. You only make it so far, coming to stop at the foot of the curb to breathe in the cool night air around you, before you notice Taehyung hurrying out after you, calling your name.

Almost as soon as he’s able to catch his breath and you lock gazes with the boy, he asks aloud, “Where are you going?”

You hadn’t expected him to follow you, nor the terrible nearly tangible awkwardness that hangs heavy in the air. Still, the concern in his voice and the corners of his eyes softening at the sight of you makes you want nothing more than to forget all the heartache. “Home.”

“Let me drive you?” he asks delicately.

You hesitate before responding. You know the simple offer of a drive is more than that. It’s an invitation to talk to him, sort things out. And you, of course, can’t possibly deny him. As soon as you’ve followed him to his car and he starts driving, everything goes silent. It’s almost unbearable as you shift uncomfortably in your seat and gaze out the window, hoping the long car ride will pass by rather quickly. You thwart his attempts at starting any conversation by turning the radio up and letting the music ━ a mix from Taehyung’s phone filled with pop-punk and indie classics ━ fill the emptiness but it doesn’t work with distracting you. He takes a detour from the path to your apartment, driving instead to a nearby lookout point of a hiking trail, now abandoned and desolate this late at night.

It’s quiet even long after he shifts the car into park, leaving only the sound of the stereo to fill the void. Then, at long last━

“You didn’t call,” You say.

Taehyung swallows thickly. “I know.”

“That’s all I wanted. An explanation.”

“I know,” Taehyung shifts in his seat to look at you. “I’m sorry. I messed up.”

“I know I have no right to feel like you’re mine when the reason we started seeing each other was casual, but everything you’ve been saying to me lately━” You rasp, “that I’m the only one for you and that you were gonna miss me because you were tired of being alone ━ did all of it mean nothing?”

The boy’s stare hardens. “No. I was never lying when I was with you. Everything I said, I meant.”

“Then why didn’t you call?”

“Because I was scared I had lost you,” Taehyung grovels all at once, silencing you. “Because things were starting to finally change between us ━ where it wasn’t just sex all the fucking time, but something genuine ━ and I didn’t want to face the reality that it could all be gone, just like that.”

“Well, what did Jimin mean, about that other girl? Was he telling the truth?”

“Yes.”

“Did you fuck her?”

“Yes.”

“And did you fuck her while you were still saying there was only me in your life and pretending you meant it?”

“I was never pretending,” Taehyung protests exasperatedly. “We had a fling, but that was months ago, when you and I first started whatever the hell this is. But Jimin was wrong. I never told him she was the one, or whatever. I said I didn’t want it to be meaningless anymore. That I want something more. I thought I had found it with that girl; but it was really with you.”

“Taehyung…” You whisper his name now, a delicate utterance.

“You can’t tell me I’m the only one feeling this way about us,” Taehyung beckons desperately. “I know you’ve been feeling it too.”

You purse your lips; then, you let out a small exhalation of air. “Tae… I think I’ve been in love with you ever since we were little kids.”

Now, Taehyung’s stare softens. He reaches out to grab at your face, gingerly pulling you into him, thumb caressing your cheek.

“I want you,” he promises. “God, I want you so bad. Do you really think I’d risk getting kicked from the band for anyone else but you? Or let anyone else tease me so bad but you?”

You can’t help but snicker. You shake your head at him as he pulls you into a kiss. He grins against your mouth and, this time when he kisses you, it’s hot and needy, a whole three day’s worth of pent up emotions and desires pouring into your every touch. Your hands fumble to undo your seatbelt and then you’re climbing over onto his lap and he’s welcoming you with open arms, the skirt of your dress hitching up higher on your thighs. Your knee, or maybe it was your foot or elbow, accidentally hits the horn of the steering wheel and startles the two of you, earning a squeak from you, before you both erupt into laughter. Taehyung reaches down to push the seat back a few inches to give you more space in the cramped driver’s seat and then he pauses to look up at you with mesmerized eyes. He kisses you again and again, as your hands come up to grasp at the sides of his neck.

“Had enough of the bullshit, have you?” he asks humorously. “Gonna take matters into your own hands?”

“I’m tired of all this teasing and chasing,” You pout. You’ve already begun grinding your hips against his, enjoying the way his face pinches in pure delight. He burrows his face into your chest, breasts soft against his head. A soft moan bubbles at your lips as you plant your own hands onto his chest. “I think so are you. We’ve both got a taste of it, haven’t we? We need to make up for lost time.”

“Fair enough,” he rasps. “What do you want from me, baby?”

“You, all of you,” You murmur. “Want your dick in me.”

“Gonna let me finish this time?” he tuts.

Your amused giggle meets his ears and he wonders how you can be both cute and sexy at the same time. “Mmm, I wanna be filled with your cum.”

“Oh, fuck,” Taehyung grunts. “Okay, okay. Here━”

Somehow, he’s able to gesture to the backseat and you and him clamber your way there until you’re finally both situated once more with you straddling his lap. There’s a mutual understanding that there’s no point, nor time, for foreplay but it’s not as if either of you mind. Taehyung’s surely had enough and so have you because while teasing him may be fun for a while, it certainly can feel like torture trying to stay away from him in the meantime. You help him fumble with the belt of his jeans so that he can unbuckle them and watch as he grasps at himself, pulling his cock free. Immediately, you’re lifting your hips to pull the skirt of your dress up higher and his hands help aid you clumsily, palms gliding up the smooth expanse of your thighs.

Then, fumbling to push you on your knees before him, with one hand on the small of your back, he pulls you towards him and gazes down between the two of you as he hooks a thumb over the material of your panties to push it to the side and teases the tip of himself over your slick folds. Your hands flail outward, palms pressing against the windowpane as he somehow situates himself behind you in the cramped space on his knees. He grunts from behind you at the feeling and then slowly and carefully guides you down onto him. It takes a moment to adjust but as you sink fully down until he’s balls deep, his cock coaxed easily by your leaking wetness, the both of you come to a halt, sputtering for air.

“Wait, wait,” he gasps. “Oh, fuck━ Stay put for a sec.”

“Why?” You ask, jutting your hips backwards teasingly. “Gonna cum already?”

“You’re such a fucking tease,” he mutters. He thrusts up into you without warning as payback, causing you to gasp out loud and flail forward. “No, you brat. I just want to enjoy it a little bit longer.”

He’s right. It does feel nice to finally feel some sort of friction after three days of nothing. To him, you just feel so nice and warm and snug and, to you, he fills you up so perfectly. So you stay put for a little bit, adjusting to the feeling as you kiss each other slow and steadily. His dick twitches inside you, warm and wet and so fucking hard. He’s just so big, your head is spinning. It’s almost as if you feel him in the pit of your stomach, legs trembling at the feeling. He yanks impatiently at the top of your dress, pulling it down so that the material pools at your waist now, reveling in the way your bare breasts spring free. At once, his hands are reaching around your front to palm at your breasts, grasping at your hips and navel.

“Wanna wreck you so bad,” Taehyung growls roughly against the shell of your ear as he presses his chest against your back. “Gonna fill you up so good, make your pussy all mine. How does that sound?”

“Want it so bad,” You whine, one arm hooking behind you so that your fingers can scratch at his hair. “F-fuck, Taehyung━”

When he tugs lightly at your hips, you take that as his gesture for you to move and start grinding your hips against his.

“Been waiting so long,” he hisses. “Feels good, doesn’t it? Don’t know why you always gotta tease me.”

“Taehyung,” You choke out. “Oh, f-fuck━”

“That’s it, baby girl. Doing so well,” Taehyung grunts as your walls quiver around him. He starts grinding into you, rough snaps of his hips sending you jolting forward each time. “Gonna take my dick like a good girl?”

“Y-Yes━ God, want it so bad,” You cry out. “Give it to me harder, please, Taehyung━”

He gladly obliges, quickening his pace until he’s slamming his hips into yours in thrusts that tremble you to the core. Tears begin to prick at your eyes at the glorious sensation, your cunt throbbing with each thrust. You’re so wet, he almost slips from your walls each time he rolls his hips into yours.

“Fuck━ Want you to ride me,” he rasps at some point. “Show me how your pussy belongs to me. Can you do that for me?”

You nod blindly. You try not to whine at the sudden loss of contact when he pulls out of you, the tip of his cock glistening with both of your leaking cum mingling together, the sticky strands pulling apart midair as he fumbles. Soon, he has you straddling his lap, sinking onto his dick once more. You grip his shoulders this time, bouncing on him as he buries his face in your chest.

A sudden thought has him groaning aloud. “Your brother’s gonna fucking hate me.”

“I thought he said you talked things over,” You gasp. “That everything’s okay.”

“I don’t mean that,” Taehyung’s head rolls back, eyes squeezing shut. “He’s gonna murder me if he ever catches us like this.”

“Think he knows it happens by now,” You giggle. You moan when you drop your hips on him completely, swiveling around his dick.

“Still don’t think that means he wants to see us making love on the couch in your apartment. Not gonna be able to keep my hands off of you,” Taehyung points out. Then, adding hastily, “Fuck it. Can we not talk about your brother? It’s killing the mood.”

Another delightful chuckle bubbles from your lips though it’s quick to dissolve into a splintered cry as his dick angles upwards into you.

Your back arches until your chest is pressed against his. It’s almost embarrassing how fast the two of you become complete shambles, a sticky mess forming between your legs. It comes to that point where you don’t care about being careful and where you decide to adopt such a reckless pace, fucking yourself on him, your breasts bouncing wildly before him. Taehyung moans and eagerly latches his mouth on one of your breasts, sucking hard.

“Taehyung,” You whine. “I’m not gonna last.”

He hums against you, pulling you closer to his mouth and chest and wrapping you in his heat, as if to urge you on. Your mewls and whimpers ring in Taehyung’s ears as beautiful sounding as the music that plays in the background. You begin to give out, your tiredness mingling with the intensity of pleasure, and you collapse against Taehyung’s chest, huffing for air. He quickly replaces your efforts, grabbing your hips tightly and plummeting his upwards into yours so hard that you feel each thrust shake you to the core. You know you’ll have bruises in the morning but you don’t mind. You’re leaning entirely against Taehyung now, your arms wrapping around his neck, as cries of his name and choked whimpers continue to tear from your throat and mouth.

“F-Fuck!” You cry. “Taehyung, faster━ oh my god, please━”

Your pleas drown out when one long moan escapes you. You can feel the muscles in your core tighten and loosen in a constant battle that has your head swimming in a good way, your heart pounding in your chest. Taehyung grits his teeth, focusing on bringing you to your high, and, before you are able to even comprehend what’s happening, you’re toppling over the edge. You’re still on top of Taehyung, whimpering profusely and crying his name in a beautiful mantra as your high shakes you from head to toe.

“Fuck, that’s it, baby,” Taehyung hisses. “Cum for me. Cream all over my dick. You love it, don’t you? Love having me fill you up like this?”

“Yes, oh my god, Tae, yes━ faster, please━”

Taehyung obliges, sweat forming on his forehead. He feels you squeeze around him so tight that he fumbles for a second, sputtering for air. Then, he feels your cum pulsate out of you, leaking down his length. You’re instantly floating up high with the stars, relishing in your high and the way Taehyung rides it out as he also fights for his own sweet release. As your hips come to a stutter, he grips at your waist and pummels his dick up into your aching pussy.

His tongue continues to lav lazily at your jawline and, by the time he reaches his own high, you are beginning to cringe from the sensitivity. Yet, you hold on, pushing away the slight sting as you help coax him to his high, squeezing your muscles around him. He cums moments later, releasing into you warm and wet, crying your name.

“Fuck, Y/N━ Gonna fill you up, baby, just how you like it━”

He rams his hips up into yours for one final effort, shuddering in elation as his cock twitches every last drop of cum from it. Then, both breathless and panting, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, you slump against his chest, resting your forehead against his. The car instantly goes silent and the foreground music that was the radio comes to once more. You listen to the soft lyrics as the two of you bask in the afterglow of sex and he kisses you all over.

You don’t know how much time passes as the two of you lay there, his hands rubbing comforting circles on your hips as your own fingers trace the tattoos that ink his skin.

“You know━” Taehyung speaks up eventually, his voice a low mumble. “Gonna be extra hard not to be late getting to gigs now.”

“Uh oh.” You roll your eyes. “Think we’ve got all the time in the world now for sex, Tae.”

Taehyung grins. “I was thinking more about the fact that I’m not gonna want to get out of bed in the morning, whenever you fall asleep beside me.”

Your heart swells at his confession and you peck his cheek quickly before burying your face in the crook of his neck. It’s his own serenade of sorts, his small promise in the backseat of his car, that makes it all okay in the end.

“And,” Taehyung admits cheekily this time, “knowing we don’t have to keep us a secret anymore, even to ourselves━ I'm definitely not gonna be able to keep my hands off of you now.”

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anashins · 3 years

Text

The Right Kind of Wrong

Title: The Right Kind of Wrong

Pairing: Jaehyun x You

Genre: hate to love, cheating, college!au, friendship, romance, smut

Warnings: smut, cheating, cursing, toxicity

Word Count: 8.454

Summary: There are many reasons for you to hate Jung Jaehyun. Aside from being cocky and selfish, the fact that he is dating your best friend is another one of them. But his mesmerizing smile - to hell with it - just isn't.

____

There were at least a hundred things you hated about Jung Jaehyun.

The fact that he was dating your best friend was just one of them.

Not a single day had passed by in the last year in which she hadn’t complained about her boyfriend having flirted with another woman, having ditched her again, going to a party and ignoring her all night, or simply dragging her mood down by one of his unpredictable and hurtful actions.

Aside from being cocky, selfish, arrogant and reckless, Jung Jaehyun was absolutely incapable of being a decent human being for more than ten seconds, and you were wondering why he was so damn popular despite all his faults.

When you went out with your friend group, he mocked the boys trying to hit on you, telling you they were so desperate for that move. When you were attending the same class, he purposely sat down next to you to distract you from the lesson. When he was at your dorm, he kept moving your things onto high shelves, knowing you couldn’t reach them.

And his smirk everytime he did so… his smirk every time he mocked you was so annoying. But also so hot.

Fuck, you thought whenever his mischievious eyes met yours again, and you had to turn away, at a loss for words and afraid he’d caught you flushing. You were so ashamed, because you actually wanted to hate him.

There were many reasons for you to hate Jung Jaehyun, but his mesmerizing smile wasn't one of them.

You hadn’t hated him from the first moment that you two had officially met as you had gotten introduced to each other through your best friend who was also your dorm mate, though. She had found him on a dating app, and you had found him sitting in your class two days later, talking back to the professor.

Back then, you had started admiring his intelligence and courage. But those were the only two positive things you had spotted so far as you only tried to stay as far away from him as possible, emphasizing his negative character traits over and over again.

But the truth was that staying away from him was a very hard thing to do, and you fought every day for your sanity, trying to be a good friend and suppressing your controversial feelings for a man who was absolutely forbidden to you.

“He went drinking last night and I saw an instagram story of him grinding against another girl on the dancefloor!” your best friend complained in your arms, tears on the verge of flowing. “Who’s doing that even?!”

A few pairs of eyes turned into your direction, but when you threw fierce glances at the people staring at you, they passed by very quickly.

When you had been invited to your friend Johnny’s house party, you hadn’t expected to be spending the evening comforting your best friend, even though that had been your daily routine for the past three weeks.

It had grown toxicly usual for Jaehyun and her to fight in a two to three day rhythm over the smallest things, and although their wonky relationship or whatever it was hadn’t been very steady before with them breaking up nearly monthly, lately it had grown almost obnoxious.

“Why don’t you just break up with him?” you suggested again and immediately felt your heart sink.

It wasn’t like you wanted them to break up because you wanted Jaehyun for yourself. You’d never do that to her.

Your best friend was just constantly hurting, and it hurt you just as much when you saw her suffering so greatly. Jung Jaehyun wasn’t a good guy, and you both knew. Yet, she couldn’t let go of him. You knew exactly how that felt.

Even if they were to break up, he wouldn’t belong to you. Because a friend’s ex was a taboo. So having Jaehyun gone entirely from your lives would kill two birds with one stone.

“Not that again!” your friend whined and retreated from you, sinking into the couch with her arms crossed and no signs of tears anymore. “I can’t! I mean… look at him! He’s so hot, and don’t get me even started about his skills in bed. That’s where we usually make up, you know, so-”

“I’m going to get you something to drink!” you interrupted her and jumped up. “You totally need a cocktail now! To come to your senses!”

You loved your best friend dearly, but you didn’t want to hear about Jaehyun’s skills by all means. At some times, your friend didn’t have a filter, and then, it only spiraled downhill from there. You heard them often enough in the dorm, that was already pushing you to your limits.

When you entered the kitchen, you reached up to get a glass from the shelf, but like most of the times, you were too short for the remaining ones at the very top.

“Here, let me help you.”

A soft voice echoed from behind you, but before you could turn around to follow the tone, the guy had already heaved up his arm and reached over you to the very top of the shelf to get you a glass.

Shifting around, you faced the mischievous expression of the young man you had wanted to avoid and who your best friend was currently crying over.

Without a “thank you”, you reached out your hand to grab the glass from Jaehyun, but he immediately shot his arm up to bring the glass high over his head and far out of your reach.

“You think a simple ‘thank you’ is too much for you?”

“Fuck off, Jaehyun.” You crunched with your teeth and narrowed your eyes. “I’d rather die of thirst!”

“What did I do again?” He rolled his eyes in an annoyed manner as though his high spirits got ruined. “What did she tell you?”

“She told me everything she saw from last night!” you defended your friend. “That’s enough for me to get the picture!”

“Okay, and did the picture somehow include me pushing the girl away after she had grinded on me?”

You gulped.

“Just as I thought.”

He placed the glass on the counter, but somehow, this hadn’t got your both’s attention anymore.

“There are two sides of the same coin, yet all you've ever done was looking only at one.”

He approached you, and the rising hotness in your cheeks made you withdraw until your hips bumped into the kitchen counter.

Jaehyun leaned in and propped his arm against the same spot right next to your hip as he asked, “I know you’re her best friend, but being a friend doesn’t mean supporting your friends delusional, one sided thoughts into oblivion. Being a friend sure means to support, I’m not denying that. But being a true friend means to tell someone when they’re wrong. And I am not the one at fault here, y/n.”

“You were doing many stupid things to hurt her in the past!” you started blabbering just to bridge over the silence you’d get when you would stare at his mesmerizing eyes for a little longer. “How am I supposed to believe you?”

“You aren’t supposed to believe me.” He retreated, with the glass in his hand. “All I’m asking for is a chance to explain myself.”

Again, you were flabbergasted by the way he expressed his thoughts that stood in contrast to his questionable behavior. One of the main things that fascinated you. But you quickly turned this feeling into hate by recalling his wrongdoings from the night before.

Looking at the glass, Jaehyun continued, “Yes, there were many things I did wrong in the past. And I’m not going to pinpoint my finger at my girlfriend to tell that she was doing just as many questionable things as me. But people have reasons for doing the things they do. That’s probably why we’re such a good match.”

You didn’t understand a word. In your eyes, and you only knew about their relationship by what your friend told you and what you observed when you were hanging out, the two weren’t a good match at all.

He was the one constantly hurting her feelings, and she was the one to always get hurt.

Or... wasn’t it?

Jaehyun then thrusted the glass into your hand. “You’re lucky, y/n, you know that? It must be so great, living that freely, without any burdens… So oblivious to everything.”

With these words, he disappeared from the kitchen, leaving you behind all alone with the glass in your hand.

You looked at the item, your face getting reflected in the crystals to unrecognizability while Jaehyun’s words still kept you occupied. They had such an impact on you that you suddenly started to question whether your hate against him was actually valid.

When you stepped out of the kitchen yourself with a full glass of your best friend’s favorite cocktail in your hand, you found her in Jaehyun’s arms again, wildly kissing, his kind words suddenly vanished from your mind upon spotting them.

Instead, there was a little monster called jealousy sitting right inside your chest.

___

“8am in the morning! Who even places classes that early?!”

With a groan, Jaehyun flopped down in the seat next to you.

“Shut up, class is about to start.”

“Man, you must be really fun at parties,” he replied. “The professor is not even here yet.”

“You’re annoying, Jung Jaehyun, and if you weren’t dating my friend, I wouldn’t actually talk to you at all.”

“What are the odds we’re still connected to each other, huh! Tell me, y/n, what did I ever do to you? How did I ever hurt you? We’ve never even really spoken with each other ever since we’ve gotten introduced.”

“And I am grateful for this every single day.”

“What is it that you hate about me so much?” he questioned further, his eyes challenging.

But with your eyes straight ahead and no words on your lips, you ignored him as the professor entered the room only a short moment after, announcing the class’ start.

Your pen flew over the sheet, noting down the professor’s words when suddenly, goose bumps spread all over your arm.

When your eyes followed the trail to its source, your right elbow touched Jaehyun’s left one as a result of your hectic writing motions as you had moved too far to the side. The spot on your skin was so warm and so…

You withdrew your arm right away, placing it back to where it usually belonged, but Jaehyun’s own limb had moved so far to the left that you had no place to rest it next to your notes anymore without having his skin barely one inch apart from you. You weren’t touching anymore, but he was so close that you still felt him somehow.

Of course you could drop your arm and place it on your lap as the professor had stopped presenting the most important points of this lesson. Of course you could just move further away with your entire belongings, but the fact was that you didn’t. That you couldn’t.

Instead, you were fixating your eyes on the board right in front of you, listening to your professor’s words but not actually understanding a single syllable that he uttered as your heart beat fast against your chest.

You hoped that Jaehyun didn’t notice how desperate you were for him not to shift away right now. That you actually enjoyed it, but felt so much hatred at the same time. Not against him, but against you - for feeling this way.

“Can you answer my question, Miss y/n?”

Your eyes widened in shock as you got addressed by the professor by your surname. You were actually a good student who was always paying attention in class. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t have happened. But now you got caught red handed not listening to him, and he was a very strict lecturer.

“I… um…” you stuttered.

“The answer to my question, Miss.”

“Yes… the answer…” You gulped as you didn’t even know the question. “The answer is…”

From the corner of your eyes, you perceived how a sheet was slowly moving into your direction from Jaehyun’s place. His finger was pointed at a paragraph that you had also noted down only shortly before.

Suddenly, you knew what the question was about and answered formally to the professor’s task.

With your heart having calmed down after the shock, you let yourself sink down on your seat again. You had gotten distracted only once by something that shouldn’t bother you at all.

This wouldn’t happen again, you swore to yourself.

____

“No ‘thank you’ again from you?”

You turned around to Jaehyun who had rosen a brow at you. “Is this becoming your thing now? Asking for ‘thank yous’?”

“Is this becoming your thing now?” he returned. “Not saying ‘thank you’? I saved your ass in class.”

“Well, I haven’t asked for that, so go beg somewhere else for attention.”

You made your way through the crowded club, feelling the bass under your feet and the techno music in your ears. Jaehyun was following suit.

“Do you want some kind of reward from me? Because you’re not going to get it.”

“I don’t want a reward. Hey.”

He reached out and grabbed you by your arm, right there on the dancefloor. The feeling from this morning returned, but in a higher intensity as it spread all over your body.

“All I’m asking for is respect.”

You snorted. “Respect? Do you respect my friend when you destroy her weekend plans to go drinking with your friends instead? Do you respect my friend when you dance ass on ass with another girl? Do you respect my friend when you hurt her feelings with your rude words? I don’t like you, Jung Jaehyun, because you’re a bad person, and respect is the last thing you’ll ever get from me!”

You yanked yourself out from his grip and disappeared in the mass. What was up with him? Why was he bothering so much lately and evoking all these controversial feelings inside you by acting like this? He should just stay away.

With your eyes closed, you started to move with the music, all by yourself there on the dancefloor. You wanted to collect your thoughts, but as the music flooded through your body, you realized that thinking about nothing was probably the best way to cope with your inner struggles right now.

You opened your eyes widely when you suddenly felt a hand on your bum.

Turning around with much anger reflected in your mien, you stared at a boy around your age who grinned at you seductively. Your fierce gaze was probably mistaken for an invitation when he approached you further, grabbed you by your hips from the front and pressed you against him.

With his lips on your ear, he whispered, “I like what I see.”

And you wanted to scream. You probably did, but it got drowned out by the loud music, and his grip was way too hard for you to free yourself that easily as you shuffled in his arms.

“Let me go!”

Yet, his hands roamed around your private areas like they owned it.

“HEY!”

Before you could scream once more, the guy got dragged away from you by the last person you had expected it from.

“She said let go of her, you asshole!”

Jaehyun grabbed him by his collar, and his height and angry expression alone were probably enough for the other guy to nearly piss his pants as he hastily mouthed,

“I’m so sorry!”

When Jaehyun let go of him, he slipped off silently and wasn’t seen again.

You stood there awkwardly with your arms hugging your chest, still digesting the happenings.

“Did he hurt you?” Jaehyun asked when he leaned in for you to understand better.

You shook your head.

“Do you want to go outside?”

You nodded.

Jaehyun took you by your hand to lead you through the dancing crowd, and you didn’t protest.

This gesture was the total opposite to the disgusting one from the guy who had harassed you shortly before. This touch was raw and chaste. Nothing to be ashamed of and fight against, but something you wanted to accept wholeheartedly.

When you stood outside of the club, Jaehyun let go of your hand, and you finally whispered the words that he had been longing to hear for quite a time,

“Thank you.”

Against your expectations, he didn’t mock you or return witty words. With his eyes locked with yours, he sincerely told you,

“You’re welcome.”

That was the moment it dawned on you that Jung Jaehyun had more positive sides to him that you had always wanted to blend out. But perhaps, you had reached a point in which this wasn’t possible anymore.

You couldn’t continue keeping your eyes closed to all the kind sides of him. Because the more he showed you, the more you’d open your heart for him.

To you, Jung Jaehyun had to remain a bad person, otherwise you’d fall for him, and falling for your best friend’s boyfriend was a taboo.

“Hey, what are you two doing outside?!” Speaking of the devil, your best friend jumped out of the club’s door and into your direction. “Isn’t the music fun?”

Jaehyun looked at you, waiting for your reaction. You knew that if you wanted to go home, he’d follow. If you wanted to stay, he’d stay too, not letting you out of his sight. Because - and you couldn’t repeat this often enough - Jaehyun was actually a good person.

“I want to go home,” you decided. “You can stay, though! Please just let me be the party pooper all alone, I don’t want to spoil your night.”

“Oh, what a pity!” your friend said with a pout. “You always leave when the party is about to start!”

You shrugged with a weak smile, tired of fighting. “Yeah, I guess so. But I still have a lot of pages to revise.”

“Shall we take you back to the dorm?” Jaehyun offered in a caring voice that you apparently encountered for the first time, and your friend immediately shot a reproachful glare at him.

“Are you being serious right now?” she complained. “She’s a grown ass woman who can go home alone!”

His eyes hadn’t left yours. “I’m talking to her, not you.”

Had it always been like this? Her caring about herself more than about you? If it were the other way around, you wouldn’t let her go home alone in the middle of the night, no matter if you knew something had happened before or not.

Suddenly, you saw your best friend from a whole other perspective. Suddenly, she was the one having Jaehyun on a leash, and he was the one fighting back for his rights, not against her.

Two sides of the same coin… If you were to flip it, would your entire world view change?

For a moment, you hesitated. But not wanting to disturb your friend’s evening, you gave in with a, “It’s okay, I can go alone. Have a nice night!”

But Jaehyun held you back when he insisted on calling you an uber for which he even paid while your best friend continued pouting on the side.

____

“FUCK YOU, JAEHYUN!” you heard your best friend scream later that night from her room, every syllable of hers clearly to hear in your own room while you laid in bed later that night.

The hours before had passed by in a trance as you had only fallen onto your mattress face forward after having quickly changed into your pj’s, that was how much of a toll the day had taken on you.

You just wanted to forget what had happened in the club, but also the thoughts that had constantly been in your mind all the way home that only revolved around Jaehyun. So sleep was the best solution, and you would have gladly continued doing so if there weren’t your best friend and Jaehyun arguing loudly next to you for an hour already.

Then, Jaehyun seemed to return something to which she screamed again, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE!”

Stomping followed the brief silence, a door getting opened, then shut again, and footsteps moved into the direction of the entry door before it fell close behind Jaehyun.

This was a nearly weekly experience for you lately, and usually, you’d just miss hearing their arguments, but this time you couldn’t help but to wonder what they had been yelling about. You just hoped it wasn’t because of you and what had happened to you earlier, because in your eyes, Jaehyun had done nothing wrong.

He had been so incredibly nice and thoughtful that you started to doubt their relationship.

You turned in your bed, wanting to fight those thoughts so badly. Jaehyun was your best friend’s boyfriend, and hence, forbidden fruit for you. But you just couldn’t stop your imagination from running now.

What it would be like in your best friend’s place and get treated like this every day, and the worst part was that you didn’t even feel bad about betraying her in your mind.

Fuck, you only thought and sat straight up in bed, now surely not being able to grasp a light thought to accompaby you back to lseep anymore.

Feeling safe to leave your room ten minutes later as your roommate must have fallen asleep by now, you didn’t think about sleep anymore but wanted to get a glass of water from the kitchen to calm yourself down.

Perhaps, tomorrow, you’d have another look at the entire situation, you tried to convince yourself. After a few more hours of sleep, all these confusing thoughts and feelings might have already been forgotten.

“Cannot sleep yet?”

You turned around and found a half naked Jaehyun only dressed in boxers right in front of you. The empty glass of water in your hands got placed back on the counter with shaky fingers.

“What are you doing here?” you contered.

“Well… she suddenly left.” He shrugged. “We’ve been arguing. You sure haven’t missed that one.”

“I didn’t.”

Still, you were wondering what that was all about, but didn’t want to ask. He lifted the weight off your shoulders himself though.

“It was about you.”

“Oh…?” You gulped.

“When you were gone, I went back to that guy and didn’t let him go that easily. They threw me out of the club and your friend thought I'd ruined the night for her.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

You wanted to make your way around him, but he blocked your way as he didn’t move to make space for you to pass by the door.

“What’s making me a bad person, y/n?” Jaehyun suddenly asked. “ The way I saved you in class? In the club? Tell me.”

“You cannot be serious right now. It’s 5am, draw a number for another day.”

You wanted to slip under his stretched out arm, but he moved his body to block you again. “Number one. Now tell me.”

“Because those have been the only times you were nice to me, Jung Jaehyun!” You clenched your fists, breathing in deeply. “When we go out with our friend group, you mock the boys trying to hit on me, telling them they’re so desperate for that move!”

“Because I heard them speaking about you before,” he declared. “They were not looking for something serious but only fun, one had even placed a bet. I tried to spare you from this embarrassment and eventual lovesickness. Go on.”

“When we’re in the same class, you purposely sit down next to me to distract me from the lesson!”

This one let him smirk. “Because I always saw you sitting there alone. You have no friends in that class, and I thought you might need some company. Besides… I knew you couldn’t afford that book we needed, and I purposely always shoved it into your direction when the professor read from it. Have you never noticed?”

Now you have. And you were flabbergasted.

“Wh… when,” you stuttered, “you’re over here, you always move my stuff onto high shelves, knowing I cannot reach them!”

“Because I love to see the defeated look on your face and your cute pout when you have to ask me to get the things for you.”

You didn’t know what to say further as you stood there, frozen on the spot. You hadn’t seen this answer coming.

“Anything else?”

Yes, there were many things you hated him for, and you wanted to throw them all into his face, but as he was standing there in front of you, not even one more came into your mind.

“I just hate you to the core!” you hissed.

But with calmness in his voice, he only turned, “No, you don’t.”

And then, it was all only a blur.

You wanted to push him away, but instead, you found yourself nudging against his body. You wanted to free yourself from his grip, but instead, you wrapped your arms around him. You wanted to escape from his kiss, but instead, you kissed him back in the same passionate manner he kissed you.

Jaehyun’s hands roamed all over your lightly covered body while his lips moved against yours, touching every spot he had missed out on during the entire time he knew you, because you had always pushed him away.

But now that you had opened up to him, you were scared the time window was about to close very soon, so you had to work fast.

You jumped on him, hooking your thighs around his waist while his hands instantly clung around your buttocks to give you the support he needed to carry you to your bedroom. Your hands remained interlaced on the back of his neck when he placed you onto your bed and laid himself between your legs.

Thrown overboard were all your morals, priorities, and the friendship to the person that meant the world to you. You didn’t want to think about all that, but were longing for him so desperately that you wondered for how long you had been suppressing that desire already.

Jung Jaehyun was hot. But he was a bad person.

Or… wasn’t he?

You desperately ground upwards against him, feeling him growing between your legs, and you brought your hands down to massage his length. Jaehyun interrupted your kiss as he hadn’t expected this move to come, and groaned into your ear.

You smirked triumphantly, your hands kneading muscles until he was pressed hard against your palms. Tucking your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, you slid the garment from his hips, revealing his bum. Your hands glided along his curvy, soft mounds, grabbing into them like you were testing ripe peaches.

Jaehyun was pecking your lips as you slid your hands under his body again and closed around his entire girth. He stopped for a moment, but the second he continued on, you started moving your hands, top on top, along his length.

Not being able to concentrate on the feeling down there and kissing you simultaneously anymore, you perceived how Jaehyun got weak with supporting his body on his own arms that he had rested to the left and right of your head. So you decided to take the lead from here on.

Sitting up yourself, you put your palms on Jaehyun’s chest and pushed him backwards onto the mattress. He watched you with surprised eyes, but didn’t protest as you sat on his thighs, eyeing his member with much anticipation.

You slid further down his legs, nearly close to his ankles, and bowed down. With your fingers wrapped around the base of his dick, you led him to your mouth. First letting the tip pass by your lips, then his entire length up until the very middle.

You only heard him swearing, “fucking shit,” before Jaehyun covered his face with his arm placed over his eyes and his other clasping the sheet by his side. Your hair grazed over the area around his navel while you moved your head up and down, cautiously slow at first to give yourself time to adapt to his length.

Then, you started bobbing your head, increasing the speed with every time you came up and nearly let him slip out, your fingers that had closed around him sliding in the same rhythm, adding to the pleasure. The slurping noises that came along with this act filled the room until they got drowned out by Jaehyun’s moans.

He directed his hand towards your head and grabbed it by the back, ruffling your hair between his fingers while he started to thrust upwards, meeting you halfway in the fast motions. Like this, he was able to reach deep within you, but still not far enough so that he could hurt you.

When you witnessed him twitching his legs, you stopped, held him still by the base and decided to tease him further a bit before you allowed him to release himself. With the tip of your tongue, you touched his glans, trailed along the slip and then circled around the entire top part.

Jaehyun’s swearing words came in a never ending trail like a waterfall that you couldn’t really understand all syllables from, but you were sure you did a good job and rewarded him for being patient with the motions from before again, but this time with added pressure and passion.

Suddenly, he grabbed you by your arm, urging you to stop.

“Or else I’m gonna cum,” he said and sat himself up, flipping you around so that you laid under him again.

Hastily, you got rid of your top while Jaehyun worked on your sleeping shorts until shortly after, you were both lying naked on top of each other. You wanted him desperately inside you, because you just didn’t know when you’ve had had sex the last time, but instead of wanting to get through this fast, Jaehyun took his time.

That was when you realized that this entire joining was probably more to him than just sex to get it off. You had thought that because he hadn’t been able to get it tonight from your best friend, he’d take it from you. But the way he touched you insisted otherwise.

If it wasn’t more than just sex, he wouldn’t trail his fingers over your ribcage in feathery-light motions, admiring every inch of your body. If it wasn’t more than a body-focused act, he wouldn’t place soft kisses not only on your mouth, but also onto your forehead, your cheek, your neck… If it wasn’t more, Jaehyun wouldn’t be so damn thoughtful and tender.

He remained his tenderness and his gaze didn’t leave your eyes as well when he finally nudged between your thighs, pushing forward until he filled you up to the brim.

Restraining himself from starting to move right away, Jaehyun took his time to ask you whether you were okay at first when you let out a quiet “oh” that alarmed him. But you were eager to calm him down when you explained that it was only because you hadn’t been with a man in so long, and somehow, after speaking it out, it made you feel embarrassed.

As the boyfriend of your best friend, he’d surely know when you had been in contact with a man the last time, and you hated yourself for being so pressured by society to feel ashamed of who you were and how you lived your life.

But instead of judging you, Jaehyun only nodded and tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, and suddenly, you were flooded with such a warm feeling towards him that you nearly cried. Rarely had you encountered a man so considerate and caring.

“Tell me when I can go on.”

You bit your lip and felt the uncomfortable pressure in your nether regions getting replaced by a feeling that you hadn’t encountered in so long. A feeling that made you want more, want him.

Holding onto his shoulders with both of your hands, you nodded back at him with a smile which he then returned. When Jaehyun started thrusting in and out of you, your eye contact didn’t break, and you were sure that right now, you were looking at the real Jaehyun at this very moment.

Not the guy you hated. Not the guy your best friend was dating. But instead the person who wanted to protect you from guys that only wanted to use you. A person who offered you company in class and shared his equipment with you. And a person whose cheekiness and affection he showed through childish acts because he didn’t know how to express his feelings otherwise.

This was not the person you were sure of knowing all along. Probably because you hadn’t even gotten to know him in the first place.

One arm now clung around his neck while with the other, you grabbed the pillow beside you. You threw your head back in excitement, his pushes coming in short intervals one after another, and he was hitting all the right spots with them.

Jaehyun propped his arms up to the left and right of him, lifting his upper body to gather all his strength in his groin area and stopped for a brief moment before he thrusted inside you with such force that it nearly knocked all air out of your lungs, and you couldn’t respond with anything else than moaning.

It felt so good, so… right. But how could something so wrong still feel so right?

Right now, you didn’t hate Jaehyun or your best friend the most, but yourself and the fact that you continued on and on. That you brought your hips up to meet his thrusts with hazy thoughts and his lips all over yours when he slowed down with his movements to dedicate himself to caressing your breasts.

You felt Jaehyun’s hot tongue swirling over your buds, and you shook under him. Not because it felt cold, but because his tender caresses just felt so good. You didn’t have the feeling that he could do anything wrong with whatever he carried out, that was your impression about how well your bodies meshed together.

No, you didn’t hate Jaehyun. You had always only hated how he had presented himself to you. But there was so much more to him.

Sweat droplets showed on his forehead when he continued with the hard thrusts again, the sound of you both breathing heavily mixing together with the sloppy noises of your bodies moving against each other filling the room, but no matter how messy sex was, it was the most romantic thing you had experienced in a long time.

Your eye contact also didn’t break when Jaehyun arose above you, his sweaty chest glistening in the dim light that shone through your windows, and increased his pace even more. When he dropped his head and bit his lip in the process, you wrapped your arms around him and added pressure to your nether regions as you felt him approaching his heights.

It felt very good to you too, but you were by any means not as far as him yet, so you didn’t blame him when he came only a short moment after with a groan that sounded sexy as hell to you.

You held him tightly when he fell limply onto your chest, still breathing heavily from the orgasm that slowly faded. Staring at the ceiling, you smiled with him in your arms, just enjoying the moment when Jaehyun moved away from you.

“We’re not done here yet,” you saw him grin as he laid himself next to you, rolled onto the side and placed his head in his palms as he propped his elbow against the mattress.

You wondered what was to come when you felt his finger tips dragging from your thighs to your navel, then lower again and stopped right at your most sensitive spot.

“Oh!” you let out as he placed two fingers on your folds and started moving them up and down with your remaining juices as lube that made the intense feeling kick in almost immediately.

You screamed when he added pressure and now directed circling motions around the sensitive bundle of nerves. From your half-closed eyes, you witnessed him looking at you with such admiration but also cheekiness as you writhed and wreathed under him, yet spread your legs even wider as release was so close.

Jaehyun leaned in to you, his fingers not letting go of the continuity as he half covered your body with his and just kissed you passionately. Like this, he encountered first hand how the orgasm took over you, and you moaned into his mouth, riding it out against his hand.

It felt like the most natural thing in the world when he wrapped his arms around you right after and pulled you onto his chest, and you drifted off into a slumber shortly after.

Even though the first tendencies of your bad consciousness set in before you closed your eyes, you decided that this would be the problem of tomorrow.

No, you didn’t hate Jung Jaehyun.

If anything, you should probably hate yourself.

___

“YES… YES… YESYESYES, OHMYGOD!”

You heard your friend from the other side of the wall, having rudely awakened you in the early morning hours. At least you thought so. But a glimpse at your phone through sleepy eyes told you that it was past 11am already.

Within a second, you were wide awake.

You were still naked, but the clothes on your floor only belonged to you, and the spot next to you in the bed was empty.

“OH!MY!GOD!.... YES! OH… OH.... AAAAH… OHOHOH… YES!!”

Jaehyun was gone. At least from your room.

Your best friend’s headboard constantly bumped against the wall, and you grabbed your pillow to cover your ears with it. You didn’t want to hear the sounds. Not because they stole your sleep, but because somehow, for the first time, you didn’t feel disturbed by the noise, but actually hurt.

In your mind, you imagined Jaehyun’s mesmerizing smile, the witty expression he was constantly wearing and his deep voice that had showed you for the first time last night that there was a certain softness within it.

You felt hurt, because you knew all the things from last night had been real between you two, yet he was still fucking your best friend mere hours later. What you had shared and felt had been special, yet he was still with her.

And suddenly, you felt hate again. But towards yourself. For betraying your best friend with him. But first and foremost, for betraying yourself.

You had never hated Jung Jaehyun.

You had always felt some certain kind of attraction towards him, but kept telling yourself you hated him to push him as far away from you as possible. If this wouldn’t be so wrong under these circumstances, this attraction would feel right and could blossom. But like this, you could never come to enjoy this feeling entirely.

Your relationship had been doomed from the very start, because given the wicked circumstances, you would never be able to form a healthy relationship. It was like a stain that would never vanish on a white sheet.

So you just decided to continue as usual. To keep this a secret between the both of you and just to carry on with your life.

And to hate Jung Jaehyun just a little more.

You just didn’t know how to feel and act towards your best friend without feeling so much… regret.

“Good morning.”

But the young man stepping out of your best friend’s room wasn’t Jaehyun. But Johnny.

You sat there in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, your mouth agape. And then it started to rattle in your head.

Lately, there were times when your best friend had screamed the name “Jaehyun!” loudly during the act. Those were the times you had actually seen him the next morning. But the nights she hadn’t screamed a certain name, no one had ever come out. And those times, you had counted more than the ones with Jaehyun in the past weeks, just when their loud arguments started on a nearly daily basis.

“Where’s Jaehyun?” you asked without greeting her good morning as you walked into her room.

“Oh, we had a fight last night,” she explained to you while getting herself dressed casually. “And then we broke up. I went away to be with Johnny after throwing him out, and we’ve only gotten back this morning. I hope he left last night already and didn’t stay here.”

“What?” you wondered.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “I’ll get over it.”

“You actually already got over it as I’ve seen!”

“Oh, Johnny?”

“You’ve been fucking him for weeks already?” you provoked.

She shrugged again. “Perhaps a month… So what?”

You stood there, totally lost for words. “You’ve been crying about Jaehyun to me ever since you got together! That he flirted with other women, ditched you, went to parties and ignored you! And now you’re telling me you’ve been cheating on him for quite a while?! And this instagram story drama from last week?”

She sighed and flopped down onto the bed. “Okay, admittedly, I’m not an angel in this story, but he is by far neither! He was not. There were many things he has done wrong in the past. But then he actually started… doing nothing wrong. Being the picture perfect boyfriend without all these flaws and drama. And perhaps, this is not something that I want, so I started to look around elsewhere.”

“So…” You paused, still processing the shock. “Was it all an act? All the times you’ve cried to me over him lately while cheating behind his back?”

“Not an act, precisely,” she said reluctantly. “Yes, he explained every situation to me. And I was being dramatic over it for nothing, perhaps. I don’t know… I still enjoyed being with him though, but it just didn’t feel right anymore. I want to have men just… telling me I’m right, always coming back to me… what’s a relationship without fire? But Jaehyun didn’t want to do this anymore.”

In your head, you recalled everything that Jaehyun had told you. About there being two sides of the same coin, about you being so oblivious. All this time, he knew that she had cheated on him. He knew what you thought of him, yet he had never made a move to ever explain it to you.

But why?

“As he should,” you then stated. “How you treated him was awful!”

“Only because I cheated on him a few times?” she chuckled. “Come on!”

“I’m your best friend, and yet you lied to me! You twisted and turned stories so that you’d always be the one at right! But the truth is, you’re the bad person here. Not him.”

“Now what? He’s gone from our lives. Don’t care about him.”

But the truth was, you did. Now more than about her.

That was why, an hour later, you found yourself in front of his dorm. When he opened shortly after you had knocked, you stared at him, still gasping for air as you had run the entire way here, with all the memories from last night coming back with each step.

“She’s been cheating on you,” were the only words you brought out.

“I know.”

“For how long?” you asked.

“I assume for just as long.”

You breathed in heavily, not understanding a word. “But why did you stay with her?”

Jaehyun smiled meekly. “Because I don’t think I deserve a good person like you are.”

It ran hot and cold down your back. “I… I don’t understand.”

He leaned against the door frame with crossed arms, and even though he seemed uncomfortable talking about his feelings, he still did.

“I haven’t been the best boyfriend for her most times in this relationship, I admit this openly. We weren’t really good for each other and it destroyed me to the point that I wanted to change. But when I started being the boyfriend she had wished for, it wasn’t right either and she started cheating. So I just settled with it. Because I thought I screwed up to that point where I won’t be able to make anyone happy anymore and also don’t deserve the same in return. Even though I only wanted you...”

“You douche!” You stomped with your feet on the ground.

“What?” he returned perplexed with furrowed brows.

“Everyone deserves love and to love! And you’re not different from anyone else!”

His confusion got replaced with a mild smile. “You’re so kind, y/n. That’s one of the things I like the most about you. But you’re also oblivious.”

Jaehyun pulled out his phone, scrolled through his messenger and started playing a voice message from a very familiar person.

“Why do you even care about this bitch, Jaehyun?!” In the background, you heard music and other people talking. “She’s a stupid nerd, and I’ve only befriended her because she helps me studying and listens to my complains since we’re dorm mates, so don’t even waste a single thought about this party pooper!”

You stood there as though you had been rendered motionless. Your heart had dropped to your feet.

“This is from last night when I quickly went outside again to check whether you rode away safely with your uber and she couldn’t find me directly. That’s why we argued and broke up. No, it’s not the first time she’s talked about you like this.” He put his phone away. “I thought letting you hate me would make it easier for a kind person like you to keep their distance from someone like me. Because, in the end, I will only hurt you too. But the more I started to genuinely like you, the more I felt protective towards you. I couldn’t see her speaking about you like this anymore.”

Your breathing came in hitches as your whole world suddenly crashed over you. Your best friend wasn’t your best friend. She had probably never been.

You stumbled backwards, and Jaehyun stepped forward to grab you by your arm, but you pulled it away.

“I…. I just…” you stuttered. “I have to… talk to her.”

“Sure.”

The whole way home, you only cried.

Not over Jaehyun, but over the betrayal of someone you had considered your best friend, yet had hurt you in the most painful way like no man ever could. And the fact that you had been an asshole to her to the same extent after having slept with her boyfriend the same night they had broken up was probably the final straw.

You were no saint here. You had added to your both’s downfall just as much. And it hurt much more than any heartbreak you had experienced so far.

You had to sort your life out and right now, and amongst this chaos there was no place for Jaehyun in your life.

____

You put the last vase with dried flowers on your shelf, stepped backwards to your room’s door and inspected the final set up.

“Finished!” you praised yourself.

It had taken you three months to move to a new dorm, but this was your last step to a new chapter in your life.

You hadn’t had contact with your former best friend ever since your final conversation in which you had handed the keys over to her. The many conversations before had only consisted of screams, accusations and tears.

She had admitted to saying all those things about you, but also to genuinely have come like you. You weren’t so sure whether that was real or one of her lies again. You had admitted to sleeping with Jaehyun, and she would have forgiven you for that as she hadn’t been really in love with him anymore at this point, but you were sure you didn’t want either in your life anymore.

Your best friend because she had hurt you deeply, and Jaehyun because of your burdensome history. All of you had done so many wrong things, and you were only a bundle of toxic people together, so chaotic that you were better off apart from each other.

But you didn’t want to be this toxic kind of person anymore. So you moved out and left your old life behind.

You didn’t go to that class with Jaehyun anymore, and although you missed him, the touches of your joint night still present on your skin sometimes, you wanted to move on from even the mere imaginations of him as well. You were sure that you’d find a guy just like him, but you missed him wherever you went and couldn’t help but ask yourself “what if?”

The fact that he hadn’t reached out to you either made it easier, and as summer break came and passed, and the new semester started, you had kissed two news guys already, made a new friend group and were just overall happy.

But you still missed Jaehyun dearly and all the possibilities of what could have happened if only your timing had been right in life. Even if he wasn’t the right one for you.

“Is this seat taken?”

And then, one day, there he was again. Taking the seat next to you as though no time had ever passed between the two of you, smiling that mesmerizing smile you didn’t hate.

You only stared at him, and his kind expression didn’t break. When you moved your head to the front again where the professor introduced himself, you couldn’t help but to smile too. Because this wasn’t the expression of a bad person.

People changed, and just like good traits could turn into bad traits, a bad person could turn into a good one also. And they all deserved a second chance.

You had only known the Jaehyun from your best friend’s perspective, and then also his body. But even though you had gotten a glimpse of the real Jaehyun here and there, you didn’t quite know him entirely yet.

But you wanted to. The good, the bad, the real. Jaehyun wasn’t the right one for you, but such a thing didn’t exist. What mattered were only your feelings.

Because in fact, you didn’t hate Jung Jaehyun. At all.

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