#sword's journal.txt

[bardkin]

being a ridden dragon & not yet knowing what that entails

inspired by @who-is-page's post here! i decided fuck it !! i wanna write (more) about the draconic aspects of myself, timidness be damned.

as a quick preface, i am a psychological 'kin! i hold loose beliefs in multiverse & a form of reincarnation, but i don't know for sure if / don't think those things apply to me specifically.

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i've known i'm a dragon for a while, now. i go somewhat in-depth about it here in this entry about adopting/trying out the term folcintera for myself, but i didn't really touch on one of the newer revelations i had about it:

i'm the dragon in a rider-dragon pair.

as for how i know this, it just feels Correct. (far as i'm aware,) i don't have any past or concurrent life memories, or know who/what my rider is or was. this is a noema that i cannot explain further, as of yet. I Just Know this aspect is fact.

i mentioned [in my linked entry] that my first up close exposure to dragons was the Eragon series, which is what cemented my idea of what "dragon" was to me. ever since that series, i've been aggressively hyperfixated on dragon-rider stories; the kind of hyperfixation that waxes and wanes, but when it hits, it Hits like a Truck.

i don't think i'm from any one specific source, such as How to Train Your Dragon, Dragonriders of Pern, or Eragon. none of those really feel like places i've lived or belonged in. my specific brand of dragonity is wildly different from any dragons you'd see in the listed settings/stories, so i am not any dragon you'll see in those stories — but i also am.

moreso, i feel a connection to the dynamic between rider and dragon; the trappings don't truly matter, in the end. i am the archetypal dragon-with-a-rider, and see myself in almost any dragon-rider setting. i am a Ridden Dragon, and that will mean something different to everyone who interacts with dragon-rider lore — including myself. i am both folcinteric and an archetrope, in this regard.

before i awakened, and thought about dragon-rider stories, i thought i was simply wanting to live in a world where i could share a bond like that & go on adventures... and while that's still true, since i'm an escapist storyteller, there's a key difference between then and now.

i thought i had to relate to and imagine myself as the rider — and that never felt completely right.

now that i'm aware of and better exploring my draconic side, this aspect has come to light. and i have No idea what it could mean for me.

as stated, i don't know who my rider was/is or could be. i don't know what our dynamic was like, if our bond is of magical origin or through mutual trust. though, that might have something to do with me being archetypal, here. my rider could be anyone; our bond origin could be of any type, so long as it serves the purpose of the archetype.

dragon riding means different things to different people. sometimes it's about taming a wild beast, akin to horseback riding. other times it's a magical bond. and other times still, it's about trust and friendship.

i still don't know what my personal mythos is, or if i have one at all. maybe it is just that dynamic, nebulous and without a tether. or maybe it's just not uncovered quite yet.

i don't know how common being a ridden dragon is, be it in fictherian/fictionkin dragon spaces, or more general dragonkind spaces, because i haven't seen it talked about much. possibly because i'm just not looking in the right places, but, *shrug*!

i have no idea if this post will inspire any other dragons with riders (or maybe even dragon riders!) to write about their experiences. but, never know unless i post, so ;]

thanks for reading!

[bardkin]

while my dracionity turned out different in the end, this was still an important post for me to write!

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when I see my draconic self in my mind’s eye, or become more aware of my phantom parts (because they're always present to a degree), there’s a consistent, distinct shape.

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- a long-ish mammalian muzzle, full of sharp teeth & fangs. also has a feline- or mustelidae-like nose-pad. (“padded nose”? idk the exact term for these types of critter snoots.) - brown fur of short-to-medium length. - unsure if i have scales or protective plating anywhere? might have some on the lower sections of my legs. - body is pine-marten-y in shape & length. - tail is also quite long. sleek, thick-ish, and is capable of corkscrewing around itself at least once. tapers off into a (albeit large) lion-like “tuft” at the end; like a traditional unicorn’s tail. (may be longer, and i’m just experiencing a length that’s relative to my human body???) - paws with five digits, paw-pads, & claws. unsure if said claws are retractable at all. overall very marten-esk. - ears are always in a “back facing” position, which seems to be their natural/neutral positioning. ears are large, almost fennec-like, and fuzzy inside & out like a donkey’s. - set of small nub-horns, teal in color, positioned like a goat’s or deer’s. - one of the closest placement matches i’ve seen are Trico’s (beast from The Last Guardian), but mine grow the opposite direction (i.e, toward my back).

- i do not have wings, and notably feel like i’d be incapable of (natural/non-magical) flight.

- i believe my species lived in, or at least frequented, a temperate forest environment of sorts. and/or potentially somewhere that feels like a mix of Alaska & California's wilderness? it's a jumble of fuzzy noemata that i'm still sorting through.

all this got me wondering; is there any example of this sort of dragon in wider media? in any known mythos or folklore? thus far, the closest examples i've found in these sources are Chinese & Japanese Dragons, such as the character of Haku from Spirited Away; but these aren't exacts. when i look up images & read about them in mythology texts (historical & fictional alike), i always think to myself "Kind of close, but... not it."

one fictional type i've found that sort of matches me is Imperial dragons, from Flight Rising.

however, many details just don't ring as "me." i lack wings, those prominent whiskers, full scales, or any kind of beard, my horns are much, much shorter, i could go on. bottom line, i'm not an Imperial dragon. so, i'm left with the same feeling: "Close, but nowhere near exact."

the absolute closest body-type/shape i’ve found (outside of drawing something myself) is from various original characters. there's a consistent handful of design tropes that make these characters distinctly this type of "fuzzy noodle dragon" — like a mosh-pit mix of almost "off-brand" depictions of eastern dragons. if you're in character/adoptable design circles, you may know what i'm talking about. you may even own a character like this, or be in the same boat as me.

i did briefly consider the idea i might be OC-kin, but... similarly to historical depictions & Imperial dragons, these designs feel like they’re just that; designs. not part of my identity.

"Close. Nothing more."

even this fursona/character concept i whipped up a few years ago, which has pretty much every visual aspect i described, doesn’t feel like me. that character still feels like just a for-fun-mascot or character; not a self-portrait, idealized or true-to-form.

which brings me to a label i've been ruminating over: Folcinteric (Nonhumanity).

i feel @who-is-page’s label of folcintera might really fit me, especially with the specific type of dragon i’ve described here. problem is, (and this is most likely just the imposter syndrome talking) i'm not even sure i have any mythos to begin with.

well. maybe i do. in a slightly more abstract sense.

as i said, this kind of design is not that uncommon; i'd even dare to say it's popular. popular enough that a lot of people will understand and have a fairly distinct image in their mind when you say “furry noodle dragon.” (i'm extremely curious about the origins of this design trend, and who might've kicked it off, or if this concept is a conclusion that multiple artists came to when making a lung dragon inspired design.)

so, perhaps my larger “mythology” — to potentially stretch the definition a bit — is from a subset of the dragon art & character design communities. something in me says that could count as a "lived mythology" of sorts.

and, i am still a type of dragon, one that varies in imagery/details and person-to-person lore, at the end of the day. one that is also very tied to my own personal understanding of "dragon."

dragons, in the larger scope of folklore, are typically an allegory for the wealthy, or the concept of "evil," or are simply more "neutral" symbols of power, wisdom, strength, and/or magic.

dragons were never something i feared / saw as universally "villainous," or even as strictly symbolic of any of the previously listed symbolism. my first exposure to dragons was within the Eragon/Inheritance Cycle series. due to the dragon and rider bond i saw there, "dragon" was cemented in my brain as a companion; protector, friend, but also animal. a fearsome one, yes, but not cruel or "evil by nature." not greedy, just naturally curious and drawn to "shiny" objects in the way any corvid is. sapient as any human or humanoid folk, but still as much of a beast as any wolf or bear.

publicly, i'll most likely just say "I'm a [species of] dragon," and leave it at that. the details of my identity are for me alone, and thus any further explanations or descriptions will be given voluntarily.

but even the things i keep private, i like to put names to. this is one such thing!

"theriomythic" felt somewhat like a hasty choice, though i don't mean that as a bad thing, at least for me. a bit of "my experiences fit here [within the therian label], but the species and my understanding of it doesn't [fit the definition of "only" earthen/nonfictional animals]... so i'll go with something that's close enough."

i do quite like the terms "draconity" & "dragonkind," since they're both very all-encompassing; but... i'm not sure how to articulate how that also feels like the problem (though i use the term loosely) that my brain has with them. "dragonkind," from my understanding, is more-so a label for the community itself rather than the individual. (it can be for personal use, i.e "I am dragonkind," but i don't know if it's widely used as such.) and "draconity" doesn't... quite ring the way i feel it should. it feels more like a general descriptor to preface my experiences and identity.

i could come up with my own term(s), and who knows, i might end up doing so. but at the same time, i don't want to reinvent where i don't need to. to me, the idea currently feels like calling that particular shade of lavender purple by another name, just because i can.

so maybe my flavor of dragon does fit the definitions for being folcintera. the term is supposed to be pretty much limitless within "lived mythos."

all that to say, i'm going to be trying out folcintera for myself. worst that happens is it doesn't end up fitting lol if that becomes the case, i'll find or make something new~

[bardkin]

so i...... might Also be fictionkin?

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idk if Steven (Quartz Universe) is Just a synpath / heart-type or. something deeper. i relate to his story & character on a multitude of levels, and every time i think about SU i get giddy/excited (so much so that i also get phantom tail wags!) but i'm not sure if the feeling is "that's me!!" like it IS, but it kind of isn't yet always has been??? i cannot elaborate, the bees in my brain are loud & static-y as fuck rn.

i'm not super knowledgeable about how fictional kins... work. like i get the fundamentals, and the feeling of "i am that, that is me" can apply to an endless range of things, characters, concepts, etc. i'm just not sure if i am fictionkin in any way.

the connection i feel with Steven is like. (i barely know how to articulate my thoughts here, so, ramblin' incoming.)

we were both expected to fill shoes left behind by a parent we never met. we were sheltered for a majority of our childhoods. when i'm working on SU fanfics, writing Steven's POV always feels natural in ways i can't really explain. we never really formed a true identity for ourselves until later in life when we weren't being smothered by a legacy we never wanted to inherit. we're both not (fully) human.

i don't really know if the "that's me!!" feeling i get when i see clips, images, etc, is a "i relate to this character's story because i went through similar things" or a "Wow, i am very literally this character and/or this character is very literally Me."

i think i might just be like, nervous of being cringey? sacred of being wrong?? also the fact i haven't watched SU in eons. but lack of knowledge about fictionkin is mainly the something that's holding me back. i'll have to see if i can find some essays & such about fictionkin, and like.. try out some stuff!

[bardkin]

re-reading A Short Introduction to Folcinteric Nonhumanity has me seeing So many other connections, now that i've managed to pin down a lot of my nonhumanity.

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i definitely like the labels i've gathered; fictionkind & archetrope being the primary ones that feel incredibly close to my heart. but some feel not Quite right, though they're the closest thing(s) that fit my experiences. they're more like...... prefaces? for lack of a better word?

"otherkind" vs "otherkin" is a good example of being Close But Not Quite. otherkind almost scratches an itch, gets incredibly close, but it doesn't... quite... get there. it's something i can use to start an explanation of what else is going on here.

fictionkind is MUCH closer, but it's somewhat too specific to Just certain aspects. it doesn't apply to all of me, which is fine! i love having a bunch of labels for different facets of myself (my gender & sexuality being standout examples), since there's most likely never going to be a catch-all for my experiences.

but... it is nice to have just a few words that truly fit, rather than a basket of words that only kind of fit when lined up together.

my connection to fiction & myth & fantasy are what really stand out about me. i pretty much live and breathe fiction, in both my career choice and identity. world building and story craft is my "thing," and is something that's touched me in ways i'm not even sure how to fully explain.

as i shape lore, it shapes me.

i don't know how (un)common this kind of thing is, but, my connection to fiction affects every aspect of my nonhumanity.

i see myself in photos of coyotes, yes. but that connection is just as strong, if not stronger sometimes, in stylized deceptions. dragons are an even greater example of this; the more "photo realistic" or "scientifically accurate" a dragon is, the less i feel a connection. (that's not me knocking these kinds of dragons - i love the way dragons are depicted in GoT, for example; they just don't feel like they're an accurate reflection of my identity.)

though, this is not about people being able to better relate to anthropomorphized versions of things or creatures. that much i know.

it is the fact that these depictions are fictional. abstracted, toon-ified, allegorical-ized. unable to exist without the stroke of a thought or pen.

when i imagine things in my mind, i do not think in realism; not always. that takes a lot of effort. i think in animation, in drawings, in stylization. and that Really affects my animality & nonhumanity, as my mental "landscape" seems to be Vastly different from most's. even my phantom limbs are like this, having more stylized/"cartoony" proportions and details.

i'm still going to be trying out folcintera, as the folklore & story roots & blend of animality & humanity are just. the word Hits in some way that feels so right. Page's quote on page 3 is pretty much what drove it home for me, especially as a storyteller.

i am and am not the coyote that wanders city streets, that sings in the prairies, that is the trickster fool and a pest. my personal lore differs wildly and converges in many areas, but i am all of those things when others think "coyote."

i am the steven quartz universe people think of, that is viewed in the cartoons, and i am also not.

i am the lore that shapes me.

[bardkin]

something about outfits, uniforms, & clothes in cartoons

inspired by a post about repeat outfits. [this whole “never repeat outfits” shit is not working for me. i get attached to one oversized sweater and that’s all you’ll see me in for a week.]

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when it comes to cartoons, & animated series in general, each character, no matter how much screen time, has a distinct design, shape, and (usually / if they’re humanoid) outfit, that remains consistent between episodes. this uniformity is of course for recognizability & is intended to be for consistent animation. design details can get switched up from time to time, but the level of how much is added or taken, & for how long, depends largely on the plot and tone of that episode. drastic and/or permanent changes constitute a significant shift in a character’s arc. bottom line, there's always a purpose for any changes.

so... what kind of affect does that have on folks from animated sources? does it have an affect at all? what kind of effect does that have on me, before & after I realized I was fictionkin?

as someone with pronounced adhd/neurodivergence, something like having the same outfit, or at least very similar ones, every day, is comforting for a number of reasons.

I know what textures I like or that I’m at least neutral about, and what textures give me the Bad Sensory; repeats of the same shirt are going to feel the exact same, every time. (which I feel is a given for neurodiverse folks with sensory issues, but mention of it does matter here.)

when necessary, my “samey” outfits sometimes keeps me... grounded, in some ways? it's a bit hard to explain, but relates a little bit to sensory stuff. (something something "never felt 'right' in my own body, but outfits are something I actively choose, so I'm able to feel like a semi-functioning person when I'm having really bad/off days," something something.)

the consistency/”samey-ness” also helps me feel a bit closer to my gem-side, since my organic body can’t/doesn’t need hardlight clothes. (all Gems have a "uniform" that remains the exact same, unless they regenerate & choose to alter it.)

bottom line, my "uniform" is a core part of who I am; of my fictotype. it's kind of like phantom limbs, but clothes, if that makes sense as an analogy?? something I'm supposed to have, and not seeing it on my person is sometimes jarring and/or dysphoric in some ways.

small changes & adding accessories every now and then — my spiked choker, a bracelet, maybe some earrings, etc — is nice, but not a constant. I like to spice things up here and there, but even these accessories might eventually bleed into my uniform if they feel enough like “part of my (character) design.”

if a significant article of my “design” is missing (be it accidentally left somewhere, removed without my consent, etc) or too different from my uniform, I feel wrong. like if I have to wear shorts instead of pants, ankle-socks instead of long ones, or if I forget my jacket and don’t know where it is. unless I’m the one actively, purposefully, changing up my outfit, I often feel “off model” in a way that causes me varying degrees of mental & sometimes physical distress.

just recently, I was trying to shop for some new jeans (which is a nightmare of a task for a laundry list of reasons), as I've long since outgrown the few pairs I do own. I was looking for something with the same brand, size, etc, and perhaps even color if I could be so lucky, as a pair I'd bought half a year ago.

without going into too much detail, the trip ended up a bust & I was actually pretty (internally) upset about it. I didn't think much of it, at the time, but coming back to this entry made me partially realize why I was so distraught after my search came up empty.

bottom line, it feels weird and wrong and upsetting in ways I couldn't fully explain before, to have drastic deviations in my outfits. hell, my fictomere's only had two major changes to his wardrobe, and even then, it's not a far cry from his original design's clothes.

maybe it’s a little bit of my neurodivergence, or maybe a lot, and perhaps a bit of fandom headcanoning I saw forever ago related to my fictomere's possible autism. but... I feel strongly enough about it that I don't think the distinction of this (if I'm using the term correctly in this context) noema’s “true” origins really matter.

[bardkin]

📜

gonna be posting journal entries here, because like, why not :3 longer entries (like this one) will be put under a readmore!

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so, as of a couple days ago, i've discovered that i may have a marten theriotype! maybe a beech marten, sable, (american) pine marten, or a fisher (pekania pennanti), not sure quite yet. even though this feels Right, it's still a very new revelation & i thus want to let it simmer for a bit. i've always kind of known about martens (even had a sable marten fursona at one point!), but i want to make sure this feeling isn't just an "Ooh, shiny new concept!" thing where i'm mistaking my admiration for an animal to be any deeper than that. one major factor that lead me to researching martens more heavily is the natural vocalizations i make. turns out the "feline" noises i've been doing pretty much all my life sound a lot more like a fussy pine marten, which honestly makes me giggle when i think about it. finding marten vocals outside of defensive/angry noises seems to be pretty tough (at least on youtube), so if anyone's got resources for more varied marten vocals, feel free to send 'em my way! also have some thoughts on my phantom tail shifts; my tail (usually) feels pretty light. bottlebrush-y, but not super long or extra fluffed like a fox's or a longhair cat. often feels like the length reaches an inch or two above my knees / a little past the mid-point of my thighs? i most often get stronger tail shifts when i'm excited, content, playful, etc, as i notice it more prominently whenever i feel it wagging/moving (though, i think that might be the norm when it comes to phantom shifts lol). and the more i look back, this has made me realize that i kind of always have phantom tail sensations, pretty much 24/7. it of course ebbs, wavers, and strengths throughout the day, but i don't think it's ever Not been present. i can't think of a single time i haven't felt Something where my tail should be, but tbf, my memory can be hazy due to my adhd & time-blindness- so there might've been times i didn't feel it that i'm just not remembering. the sensation also usually feels very non-corporeal, in that it tends to “clip into/through” objects i'm sitting on. (it tends to behave normally when i'm laying down, though lol) i've yet to feel like i would be sitting on my tail in a way that would hurt it. not sure how common or uncommon that is... if i am feeling a marten tail at any point, i think the size might be relative. instead of a literal “marten sized” tail on a human body, i'm possibly feeling one that would be “normal” sized, if it were on a human-sized marten. if that makes sense? (same might also go for my canid/coyote tail.) also not sure how common or uncommon that may be for folks that get phantom shifts! regardless, i'm really excited about this discovery~