#sy is also an angry sad?

[saintobio]

Omg ok ok hello! I had this huge rant in my head about sy and sn so pls feel free to ignore it, but I love your writing so much and it gives me some STRONG FEELINGS. First of all it surprised me that I like the way you write y/n cuz she doesn't become a "bitch" after the whole deal with Gojo and have some elaborate revenge plan, but she is also not a goody two shoes (even if she stayed with Gojo earlier but she had a lot of external pressure to stay in the marriage). Not that those tropes are necessarily bad but it's just more realistic this way. She's just a person who has been deeply hurt and is trying to do right by others. Even if she has made big mistakes, she still wants to make up for them cuz she's not completely in the right either. Also getting bashed by everyone for trying to make amends/ not following their advice regarding you own life; while very triggering for me (lol) is also just such a natural reaction. Not right, just natural. When things get out of people's hands and they want to blame someone for it, they often go for the one who is actually trying and won't retaliate if for nothing than to just keep the peace. Also wanting people to understand your side of the situation yet feeling undeserving of it at the same time because of your mistakes is UGHHH I feel like you do that so well! It's amazing but genuinely heartbreaking to see how far Satoru has come as a person too. Also when he thinks about how he wants to be a better person for Akemi IT MADE ME WANT TO PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A WALL... cuz WHY COULDN'T HE BE LIKE THAT FOR US!!! At the same time we have moved on without him, so if we are allowed that luxury then why isn't he? It's just so ANGSTY AND SO SO GOOD! Because we love Satoru we always will but he had a chance and he fricked it over terribly! So it would be idiotic to go back to him but at the same time the heart yearns for him. This is a side tangent but whenever any character says "this is not like you", "you have changed, this isn't how you'd act" makes me so MAD lol (maybe bc I am triggered?) But these guys WATCHED MY GIRL GO THROUGH SOME HORRIFIC SHIT AND STILL EXPECT HER TO NOT BE PERMANANTLY AND IRREVERSIBLY CHANGED???!! ;-;; IDK what they want from her oof >.< I do think Akemi is a shitty friend but I can't bring myself to hate her completely. Seeing them together is so ANGER INDUCING AAAAA (and her wanting a family with him is fine BUT THIS EARLY?!JUST AFTER ADMITTING YOU FEEL "SORRY" FOR BETRAYING US?! IT MAKES ME WANNA HURL HER TRHOUGH CONCRETE) but at the same time Satoru and Akemi both deserve someone who can love them. It feels hypocritical to be angry when we ourselves told him to move on and find someone who can love him the way he deserves. It's just very very shitty it had to be them. Sera is also such an interesting character. She has a lot of traits that I admire a lot. Her resourcefulness and complete and utter pride/confidence and being unashamed to ask for things/ stand up for herself (even when she is wrong) is something I wish I had sometimes. Still wanna stick her head through a toilet tho and yet when a person who slept with a married man can see the bloody violation of girls' code that is sleeping with your bff's EX HUSBAND oh BOY you should KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG. I have no strong feelings for Toji (cuz I don't like him much anyways but that's just personal bias XD )but I do think his anger and frustration is well founded especially since he runs over whenever the reader needs him. He's so supportive and invested and honestly he deserves someone who can give that back to him. It's kinda sad but then again I don't like him much to begin with lol.

OH AND THE ENDING OF THE LAST CHAPTER IS SOOOOO PAINFUL. To always be the second choice even for YOUR SON OHHH MAN I'D RATHER YOU PUT A KNIFE THROUGH MY HEART ;-;

All in all I hate how much I love this series and love to hate these characters and take out my repressed anger on them cuz I can't do that irl. This series is my Roman Empire lol. It's so painful, yet so beautiful and it makes you FEEL so many things and yet hold out hope for things to become better. I love this, love you and your writing- ok mwah bye bye (and thank you if you read this rant put together by my post nap, barely coherent brain) I have so much more that I want to say. I can write essays about this series and how it uses so many technically "cliche" tropes but it is anything but cliche . Truly some of the best angst I have read like ever!

oh wow !! i don’t even know what to say, this feels like such a comprehensive review of the sy series sdksks but i think many readers could definitely relate with some of ur points here :D this is such a nice perspective to read, thank you so much for sharing and tysm for reading sn/sy aaaaa i’m happy u enjoy the angst as much as i do <3

[syunkiss]

Hi, we are the TWU sys! TWU stands for "The Wine Uncles."

We stand with Palestine! Palestine WILL be free! 🇵🇸

last update: 05.08.2024 (DAY/MONTH/YEAR)

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chuu's babbles are usually under the tag #🍷.txt

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dni: well, follow the basic dni criteria. proshippers >>i dont care if its fictional characters . i dislike incest and pedophilia and whatever like a normal person and idc if theyre fictional or if theyre real .<< (principally odazai or morizai shippers get the fuck out of here.), radqueers/transmed, MAPs, NOMAPS (basically pedos who dont want to touch childs), anti-antis, "transDID/transOSDD" whatever, pro-ana/pro-sh, lolish0/sh0tacon, xenosatanists and all those shit.

yes I am an anti but i am not harassing anyone . im just blocking yall . im not directly harassing anyone and if i ever did it just tell me ! im not wasting my time and going to yalls askbox just to send things i am just blocking and moving on.

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old usernames: @ hartedfearsys

tags to block : # vent # tw # angry rant

[danmeiconfession]

See. The thing with SJ is he's a lot more closely related to the other MXTX main characters than SY himself. SJ worst deeds to the people really were all rumors or misunderstandings because those deeds specifically were him trying to do good and the world sort of fucked him over. When it comes to the cycle of abuse I don't factor SY in at all because why I should I he's essentializing an outsider roleplaying a character he got everyone to fall backwards for. He isn't in the equations he didn't do the abuse SJ did. Personally, I think it's a low bar to compare SY and SJ simply because one is obsessed and the other unbothered and uninterested. I mean that SY doesn't view these as genuine real people as he sees only himself and Binghe his idol as important and the rest as fodders. He views himself sorta like he wants plotpoint in PIDIW to happen only he not be taken center stage as the villain. Let's be real for a second, any person in the modern world have better ethics and morals than in PIDIW altogether because of the setting they live in why should we compare Shen Yuan who is lower than average when it comes to being good to Shen jiu in a setting where it normal to whip your disciples and not be called out for it as abuse because it's the norm.

Like what praise is there when it's a low bar to start with.

 SJ was a victim of harassment, physical assault, and social and verbal bullying for years when he was a disciple in CQ. LQG was compliant in letting his fellow disciples physically attack SJ throughout their disciple years, YQY was an enabler to both SJ and the others who spread rumors about him, SJ himself was isolated on Qing Jing, and both Qi Qingqi and Liu Qingge did not give SJ the respect he, as their senior, deserved. Also, the previous Peak Lords were enablers as well, considering they never set anyone straight about their behavior.

You all can easily say what SJ did wasn't right I'd fucking agree but look where they live do they have proper services for victims like him. He is a highly scarred trauma victim reacting and acting like a traumatized individual who never received treatment, received only continual stigma and abuse, was gaslit and isolated by everyone around him, and condemned as sinister, scheming, evil, lecherous, and immoral largely because he wasn't acting nice enough by their standards (again, trauma victim displaying traumatized behavior). Does he not deserve compassion because he acts like a real trauma victim rather than a fictionalized fantasy version of a trauma victim who is just sad and timid instead of realistically angry and defensive?

This poor man life was utter shit what peace did he get it. It sucks he took it out on created a bigger monster but damn I'd fucking blacken and kill myself for even less if I lived even a part of that life.

I'm not surprised they like SY more and it's funny because a lot of the shit they accuse him of being a rich spoiled it's SY right here. Like it kind of fit the memo SJ didn't really belong in the upperclass because he can't hide from his past he can't hide his scars and the way he fights dirty to survive because it's a part of him. But SY can he fits the bill well because he was a rich millennial kid with no additional baggage why wouldn't they choose him am I right (sarcastic) ?

.

[co2converter]

Intro! :D

Hello! My nicknames on here are Sterling/Starling, Neo or NeonicSnow. My pronouns are she/they, and I use them interchangeably. I would prefer you didn’t just call me a lady, because I am but I am not JUST a lady.

This is a secondary vent-blog thing for my plants / Being a system thing. My actual account is @wuagga and my most active blog is @coolitemsyay. I have a lot of blogs, I’ll make a more detailed cut out below the cut thing.

(My primary vent is @eternallynamelessvoid but it’s hella sad there so I wouldn’t recommend checking it out but I appreciate honesty so I will try to reciprocate my beliefs.)

No DNI, just be civil or you get the pole.

This blog is also used to make others feel better about themselves, everybody is allowed to be content if they are kind creatures.

I am part of a Median-system, there are three(3) known members. We have heavy barriers, and that being said it’s typically me, Neo, fronting or co-con.

Members (+sign-offs if they use it) are

SB; 🦋 (Unknown role, very nice though. Be nice or get the pole.)

RBN; ❤️‍🔥 (She is the Avenger part. She is very angry, be nice to her or I will gut you.)

Neo; ❄️ (Host; typically co-con or fronting alone. I believe myself to be a gatekeeper of sorts, able to kick people out of front (not able to drag them into this hell yet :( /pos.)

Typically they will never front without Me, Neo, so these are really just to say who’s actually talking (especially for co-con days)

This being said: NONE OF US TOLERATE SYS-COURSE. We will all have different opinions and we could not give less of a shit what you believe in as long as you are not spreading misinformation or being a jackass.

Detailed stuff ⬇️

Blogs + Names

@wuagga - main blog, not super active but I reblog this that are important

@libraryofneo - Book + Quote blog. I put things there that had resonated with me.

@beautifulthingstolove - my favorite items, stuff will vary.

@wumpp - Political blog, I am a minor but I do hold beliefs and would like to act them out even if it’s only online. (Plus, this way if I reblog something that I didn’t know was horrible people will correct me and educate me :] )

@coolitemsyay - my ‘main’ / most active blog. Very chaotic, is the primary place I talk to moots.

@skiesareeternal - My sky photography blog! Everything is queued and is made by me (or us ig still new to the whole system shenanigans)

@co2converter - This blog! I post about plants and being a system primarily here!

—

Rules and Regulations

While I do not have a DNI, I do expect human-decency respect for me, my people and non-people friends. Ignoring this will have you reported. I am a minor and I will protect myself.

NSFW blogs are… okay. As long as the profile picture isn’t nude and it’s not a bit I couldn’t really care. (And don’t shove it near me, I have the power of reporting on my side.)

Radqueers are hmmmmmmmmm but once again, varying beliefs so unless I have to protect myself I don’t mind.

What we heavily support here

I support a lot of things, but our main thing is that people ≠ government. I support citizens, I support those in need who are REDEEMABLE.

On redeemable, I define it as ‘being able to admit wrongs, attempting or wanting to fix wrongs, and knowledge to not do said wrong next time.’ redeemable people/creatures are always welcome. (I have a certain moot who really needs to see this)

On a slightly negative note, we do not stand for Sys-course. It is in my pinned twice because it is that important. Your opinions don’t affect me, and if you force them too you will get blocked or reported for harassment.

I’m pro-education. Very strongly. But I think the US school system is fucked.

Misc.

If I’m ever spreading misinformation about any topic, feel free to educate me in a POLITE way.

Thank you for reading this far :)

[lbhslefttiddie]

PLEASE tell me about your scent headcanons for MOTT

I'm not gonna include all the details, bc some are for characters who have not even properly appeared and some are spoilers and some are simply still up for tweaking!! that being said...

(excerpts from the Flavour Profile Document below--obviously, this also contains spoilers for Mouse On The Thorn up to ch 15, and some hints at things in the future, specifically regarding sy's scent)

for each character, first i decided elements, then scents, then any additional details or nuances to the scent (ie yqy: water and earth -> wet dirt -> petrichor). there also variances which reach outside their set element(s) for certain situations (ie yqy's ozone scent) and notes for outside influences (such as suppressants). i made up like a whole fucking chart in my brain for why who was what element(s), but that's a lengthy, separate topic lmao

Shen Qingqiu:

Element: wood

Base scent: grass and osmanthus

Notes: smells like rotting vegetation when deeply distressed (ie sad/hurt/scared), smells dry/burnt when extremely angry. leans more to the grassy side than the flowery; the grass, specifically, is almost like bamboo, which sqq himself muses could be mere coincidence, or him being shaped, somewhat, by his environment

the fake scent he uses emulates the scent of a very irritated beta--the scent itself is even fainter than the pheromones its meant to emulate, and the only POV who might even be able to pick it out is lbh, but the scent is almost like bitter almonds (cyanide lol)

Shen Yuan:

Element: wood

Base scent: grass and osmanthus

Notes: like sqq, scent turns to rot in distress. More on the flowery side; particularly, when he is extremely content or aroused (or in heat), he smells like osmanthus wine

(worth noting here: sy was born on the day of the Mid-Autumn Festival)

Is scent hereditary? Are spiritual elements hereditary? I have no idea! Sqq and sy could smell similar bc they are related, or bc they come from the same background, or bc of wacky coincidence. It's more compelling this way, so we'll figure that out later

while still using suppressants he smells almost identical to an unpresented pup, if with a slightly staler quality to it

Yue Qingyuan:

Element: water, earth

Base scent: rain and earth

Notes: yqy is, even for alphas, particularly noseblind, such that he has no idea what he himself smells like, but sqq notes that he often smells specifically like the first rain after a time of dryness (petrichor). When sad, he smells just kinda wet and pathetic, like a long heavy downpour (geosmin). When angry or in serious combat, he smells like right before a storm (ozone). Smell leans more earthy during rut

Mu Qingfang:

Element: wood, earth

Base scent: roots, clay

Notes: Beta scents are fainter and tend to carry less nuance in emotive ability, which works in mqf's favour for the most part. That being said, mqf's scent takes on somewhat muddy quality with upset

Zhao Jie:

Element: earth, metal

Base scent: scalpel

Notes: most metals don't actually have a smell, particularly not the kinds used for scalpels, but zj's scent has a particularly cool and sharp quality to it that calls the idea of them to mind nonetheless

Luo Binghe:

Element: fire, wood

Base scent: smoke, sunshine, lotus

Notes: more smoke when angry/upset, more sunny when happy. Takes on a slighty spicy tinge when Interested

the smoke part itself is a lot less noticeable before his demonic seal is unlocked

Do demons have elemental roots...??? Regardless, i will be designing their scents as though they do

Ning Yingying:

Element: water, metal

Base scent: mineral water

Notes: when high-energy, the scent smells cooler, like a refreshing mountain stream, and when lower-energy the scent is warmer, like hot springs, and is a little bit saltier, too

She hasn't actually presented yet, so obv you cant actually smell any of these things on her yet, but that's the general plan

[enderon]

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the anime adaptation of Ubtold Origins. The choice to make everything gray scale until Fukuzawa gives Ranpo the glasses? Amazing, wonderful, made me cry. And I can understand why things like Fukuzawa's internal monologs were cut out since they don't work as well in an anime format (though there were definetly ways they could have showcased the goofiness of him being g our of depth with Ranpo, more than they did).

That being said, there is a change they made that I don't agree with, cause it would have been very easy to still maintain in the anime, and that's the way thar Ranpo's breakdown goes. In the anime it's very quite and subdued after his initial yell about the play being predictable, and he comes across more sad and scared. But in the novel? In the novel he is angry. He's yelling and frustrated and furious at this terrible world. And I miss thos, not only cause I find the anger more powerful, but it actually is consistent with what we see of Ranpo. He's not really the kind to get sad. When he's upset, he gets frustrated and angry. He lashes out. His concern isn't a quiet thing. I also just find that the anger is a better representation of exactly what Ranpo could have become without Fukuzawa. There's a lot of parallels between the different smart players in the story, and when you see Eanpo's outburst in this moment, the way he's already so jaded and angry sy this monstrous world, it's easy to see how in Another universe where he didn't meet Fukuzawa, he very well could have become one of the villains instead.

Just, I dunno, I have a lot of feelings about that specific moment. Just wanna see upset, hurt, 14 year old orphan Ranpo going off.

[godza]

before i go to sleep here are some thoughts on my fave d20 characters

sofia: the legend. does so much fucking damage with her bare hands. also the warlock pact with the cat is awesome. emily plays great warlocks. shes just iconic. the glowup from her sad intro character art to her ready to fuck shit up with spectral cat claws. love how her wiki lists jesus as her deity. we love an italian american queen. the constant staten island jokes were funny. i wanna go to spaghettis. i havent seen s2 btw

kugrash: what can i possibly say about this man that hasnt been said. he will make you cry this tiny rat man will make you sob like a little baby. i dont wanna give you spoilers bc its better to figure his deal out by yourself. if it gets spoiled for you itll ruin it like it did for me. still fucking awesome though. city druid is such an awesome idea we love the spicy pigeons

riz: murph continues to make little loveable guys. riz is my fave fh pc forever. also another guy who i wont say too much about. the bad guys have every season just have it out for riz specifically. they woke up one day and said hey fuck this goblin in particular. hes responsible for the two scariest scenes of sy. baron my weird little skeleton boy. god riz is so. hes so! hes awesome. murph tries so hard to make him seem dorky but then he absolutely destroys it in battle. 3 feet of pure badassery. family of badass goblins.

baron: now. not even a pc hes an npc. again i cant explain his deal. the ep barons game is seared in my brain. sometimes i imitate him saying rizs name to stim. just really good mouthfeel. i wanna know more about the baronies what goes on there.

skip: oh i have opinions on skip but you need to watch the show to figure it out. its ep 2 where you figure out whats up and itll fuck you up like what huh huh?! its so good his whole deal is amazing. im on ep 15 im so scared. tempted to save the last few eps for the plane but i know i will be losing my shit. god starstrucks such a good season thank you brennans mom

kipperlilly: another npc. i will not explain her deal. but i will never hate an angry teenage girl. i could defend her till my last breath. like yeah she did all that shit what about it

fabian: character arc. good shit. fabians no good very bad day is a classic. im scared to rewatch it because it was so bad. sy happened in like two weeks. worst week of everybodys lives but thats kind of a low bar these kids dont get a break. him and the bad bitch he bagged by absolutely fumbling everything else. jy went so bad for him except for the end. never leave him unsupervised again or he'll shit himself again. god this is just me rambling i have autism

[incognito-lionbeast]

I posted this SY’s Sister as Ning Yingying AU meta before, decided I hated it, deleted the post, and spent the past few days aggressively editing/adding to it.

Really, all of this text to explain that poor lil Mei Mei’s character arc involves coming to terms with the fact that she is JUST one person. She can’t help everyone or “fix” them, especially those who don’t want to be helped... or refuse to help themselves. And it’s not her fault. It’s not her fault for not “trying harder” to be there for Shen Yuan before he died. She did what she could.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

During her first several months as Ning Yingying and before Shen Qingqiu’s qi deviation, Shen Mei really tried her best to help—to change things. She tried; she mostly failed. She couldn’t really protect Luo Binghe from Ming Fan. Rather, though she did better than her predecessor... boys, unfortunately, would be boys. Young, teenage, jealous boys with an even worse master. Still, she kept trying. Determined.

She appealed to Shen [Jiu] Qingqiu with her best Sad, Wet & Worried Shimei impression, and sometimes that softened the blow... but it never stopped him or them. Not for more than a few days. Maybe a week or so if she was lucky & Luo Binghe’s “offense” wasn’t too severe. She knew all the ways Shizun tried to placate her—ways, perhaps, the original Ning Yingying might have even believed were genuine. She was his favourite, after all. Yet, Shen Mei knew better.

And she was disappointed. Frustrated.

In Shen Jiu. In Ming Fan. The situation. Her own helplessness. Even if Shen Mei was older than Ning Yingying, she was still just a thirteen year-old girl to everyone else. She tried to be clever, play to her strengths and the power of a Very Upset Little Girl—and she was clever, for what it was worth—but that fact remained. No one listened to a little girl, but even less when she was soft and pretty.

It was exhausting.

Crying and Anger were exhausting. Kindness was exhausting.

(Training was also exhausting, but she was just as determined to get stronger and not be the damsel her predecessor was)

Still, she clung to her Shizun’s robes (literally and figuratively), hoping perhaps she might somehow convince him to be a little nicer... a little kinder. Even if it was just a little! Actually, once she found Airplane, she demanded to know what the hell was wrong with Shen Qingqiu. Yet, somehow that knowledge—of Qi-ge and the Qiu house—didn’t change much. It only made things more frustrating, because! She! Wanted! him to be happy... or at least Not This.

Maybe “happy” was a little too hopeful.

Still, helping Shen Jiu meant helping Luo Binghe, meant maybe... they’d all be happier. Yet, she was just a thirteen year-old girl, and while not everything was terrible? Witness to horrifying abuse aside—or at least the effects thereof—she still managed to have fun sometimes. She enjoyed meeting Liu Qingge (her favourite character in her past life). Shen Mei enjoyed the budding, fan-girlish rivalry she had with his sister, too. Yue Qingyuan was nice. Hell, she had Shang-shushu... sort of. Yet, she wasn’t, couldn’t be oblivious like the original, and she saw the world around her burning. Maybe not now, maybe not for a while. But if they refused to change, then it would. It would...

By the time Shen Qingqiu had his qi deviation, Shen Mei was at her limit. She had to draw a line in the figurative sand, so to speak. So, she made a decision—to be a little more daring, a little less soft. Shen Mei was so awfully tired of being cute, of being disallowed from being ugly and angry. It was bad enough in her past life, because though her elder brothers really just wanted to dote on, comfort and protect her… it wasn’t what she needed. Especially not after the death of Shen Yuan.

Most of all, though, she wanted to take advantage of the fact that her Shizun was going to be out-of-sorts during his recovery and insist on change. In prettier words. Maybe. Maybe she could actually get him to agree to something. Well, maybe. It seemed that he’d come out of this one softer than usual, so that was promising.

....then the scene with Ming Fan & the jade pendant happened, right on schedule.

It wasn’t that she’d forgotten, but she’d been a little preoccupied rehearsing her lines that the entire thing sort of snuck up on her. Unprepared, Shen Mei gave in to her many months-worth of pent up frustration. So help her, she’d kick his ass if he kept bullying Luo Binghe. But words first. Definitely words first. Even if they weren’t the words Ming Fan wanted to hear. She corrected him bluntly when he entreated her with Xiao-shimei. Shimei. It was just shimei, and if Ming Fan thought he was being cute or whatever-! 

“I’m not scared. Or alone. Luo-shixiong is here with me, so we’ll be fine.” 

“—but if you have something to show me, then show me already! You’ve given Luo-shixiong so much work; he barely even has time to meditate, and we’re interrupting...”

A jade pendant. A gift refused.

“Thank you, but… I know what you want. Not interested.” 

Sorry, sorry. She was so fucking sorry, Binghe. Yet, a popup from The System hovered ominously in her periphery, reminding her less-than-gently about her goal here. As Ning Yingying. As the poor, sweet shimei who, even with the best intentions, could only make things worse.

"—and y’know, A-Luo has one just like this, but I think… even if he won’t let me see—maybe especially ‘cause he won’t—his actually means something. And you– you’re just mean.”

And, well, girls. She liked girls.

Yet, admitting that would derail the unfortunate little scenario they were all sharing—completely oblivious to Shen Qingqiu lurking some ways off, who was perhaps a bit perplexed. This wasn’t what he remembered. She definitely wasn’t. In retrospect, Shen Mei would realise that she’d been a little mean, too. Ming Fan was a jerk, but he was also just a stupid teenager. Though, was she really all that much older than him? Two, three years maybe?

All the same, thus began a string of unfortunate events, one right after another. Ming Fan really couldn’t stand being compared to Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe couldn’t stand anyone touching the precious Jade Guanyin his adoptive mother had given him, and Shen Mei... couldn’t intervene. Not in the way she wanted to, anyway. Not yet. She wanted to push Ming Fang down and give him an even more stern talking-to.

Alas. Binghe’s precious treasure had to be lost among the bamboo somewhere first, plucked from his possession by a jeering Ming Fan. And she was furious about it (as was Luo Binghe, inevitably throwing the first punch shortly thereafter). Under normal circumstances, Ming Fan might have backed down; he didn’t want Ning Yingying to be angry with him, and fighting with Binghe would only make that worse. Yet, she’d made it so perfectly clear. She didn’t like him. She liked Binghe. It didn’t matter what the truth was, because there was neither time nor place for her to admit to liking girls or whatever else.

“Mean, you’re always mean! Always picking on Luo Binghe, and I can’t stand it! What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?! Is this fun for you– tormenting him?”

“If you really want me to like you... Grow up. If you won’t, then—”

On the sidelines, Shen Qingqiu stood dumbfounded. Conflicted. He held a few bamboo leaves in his fingers, prepared to step in despite his own System’s warnings. Stepping in for Luo Binghe was OOC. Of course it fucking was, but had he not a heart?! Even Ning Yingying was getting into fisticuffs for Binghe’s sake (and that was something he was still trying to come to terms with, thank you!).

However, with the fight becoming decidedly uneven in the face of Ming Fan’s superior numbers… Shen Mei begrudgingly decided that the next best punishment was whatever-the-hell Shen Qingqiu would do to Ming Fan upon finding her bruised, a little bloodied, and sobbing her poor heart out. He was bound to find out about the fight, either way. So, if she could head them off on recounting the tale? Maybe Luo Binghe wouldn’t have to suffer so much. What a mess. What stupid, avoidable mess. She cursed The System.

Rather, Shen Qingqiu had only just made the decision to help when he heard an unmistakably feminine wail. Even if Shizun wasn’t nearby—and she supposed he must still be relatively close, given how fresh the gash in the earth from earlier was—Shen Mei could have alerted the entire peak with that piercing howl. She called for her Shizun in such distress that if Shen Qingqiu hadn’t been there to personally witness the sudden shift in behaviour... he would have fallen for it. Completely. Ning Yingying was the type.

Well, System, was it OOC to ignore his beloved disciple pitifully crying for him?

The System had no comment.

Even Ming Fan was stumped, paused mid-action and nearly snapped out of his rage by her tears. Despite everything, making Ning Yingying cry... like that... again, the colour drained from his face, realising that she wasn’t just crying. And she wasn’t even just calling out for their master.

Shen Qingqiu was actually there.

The only disciple who didn’t scramble to make themselves presentable was “Ning Yingying” herself. Luo Binghe flinched, wholly prepared to take the brunt of his master’s ire. For the moment, though, it seemed that Shen Qingqiu settled for asking what the hell was going on.

And that was Shen Mei’s very special opening to air her grievances. Amidst sobs both manufactured and genuine—decking Ming Fan could only pacify her so much, after all—she avoided mentioning that Luo Binghe had technically started the fight. Shizun didn’t need to know (Shizun already knew, and he even approved!). Shizun shushed both Luo Binghe and Ming Fan alike when they tried to chime in. Poser circled poser. A story half-recounted in a more favourable light, but it wasn’t entirely unfair, was it? Ming Fan was bullying Luo Binghe. That was true. That was always true. There was a fight, and—

Shen Mei latched onto Shen Qingqiu, freezing him in place.

She begged Shizun not to be mad at Luo Binghe, as she’d done many times before. It only worked sometimes, but tonight she was acting especially Sad & Wet. Preying on his favouritism. Still frustrated, but no less determined. Rather against her character, Shen Qingqiu noted to himself, Ning Yingying had the presence of mind to admit out loud that she was the one who dragged Luo Binghe into this mess. Maybe the girl had some braincells after all. Still— to ask for punishment in his stead?

Laying it on a little thick, aren’t you sister?!

Shen Qingqiu—that was to say: the original version—had only ever dared lay a hand on Ning Yingying to try... Ahem. Either way, even in their second lives, the completely oblivious brother-sister pair still managed to enable each other. In this case, Shen Yuan’s sister enabled him to bemuse The System with a lighter punishment. All the while, he still kept up his aloof persona, stiffly extricating himself from Shen Mei’s grasp, thoroughly unsure where to put his hands, and scanning the remaining disciples impassively.

He then turned to Luo Binghe, who dipped his head in one part shame, one part ill-begotten respect. Shen Qingqiu’s heart twisted, but he could sense The System dying to send him another message in those infernal brackets of theirs. Even so, his voice still faintly softened when he addressed his poor, beleaguered disciple.

With Ning Yingying watching, of course Shen Qingqiu couldn’t be too awful to Luo Binghe. That was just science! In truth, neither his nor Ming Fan’s punishments were much harsher than finishing chores and silent reflection. Perhaps he also let slip a few scathing words to Ming Fan’s posse for their lack of form. If it weren’t for their overwhelming numbers… it almost seemed like Ning Yingying, of ALL people, could’ve beaten them.

That definitely shouldn’t happen, so the scolding was well-deserved. Something was clearly wrong. Yet, The System had no answers for him.

(Shen Mei paled, unable to enjoy any schadenfreude gained from their embarrassment. If shizun saw that much of the fight, then why–? She tried optimism. Maybe Shizun just didn’t care that she’d omitted details. Or maybe he hadn’t, she was overthinking, and Shen Qingqiu was judging things based on their collective injuries. Well, whatever the reason was…)

When at last Luo Binghe and the other disciples dispersed to accept punishment, Shen Qingqiu’s own departure was disrupted by Ning Yingying— a Ning Yingying that looked to him with renewed resolve. A Ning Yingying who had the gall not to immediately do as told. Instead, so long as Shizun was here and relatively amiable, she thought… there probably wouldn’t be a better time to try words again. So, she gripped onto Shen Qingqiu’s sleeve, holding him [temporarily] hostage. 

Didn’t she know what this man was capable of?! If the two of them were left alone, then–

Well, fine.

He, the magnificent transmigrated poser, wouldn’t do anything to Ning Yingying. So, she wasn’t in any real danger, but still-! Shen Qingqiu couldn’t help mentally scolding her naivety regardless. But what did she want? She claimed it was important, wringing his sleeve in her bruised, little hands. It was about Binghe. His heart ached.

“Shizun, I know you’re disappointed in Luo-shixiong, and that’s why you’re so strict with him… His cultivation isn’t very good, but he tries– he really works so hard! And it’s not his fault!”

She, of course, knew that wasn’t why he was disappointed. And he, of course, knew exactly how wrong her words were. Yet, assuming this was still the original—

“Ming Fan, he must have switched them… I thought something looked funny, so I asked Shang-shushu to look at Luo-Shixiong’s cultivation manual. It’s fake.”

—then she couldn’t definitely accuse the real Shen Qingqiu, no matter how much it was absolutely HIS fault and she knew it.

(Sorry, Ming Fan, but it’s not like their master ever actually punished him for picking on Binghe, so…)

Anyway, accusing Shizun would be suicide! Or murder. Probably murder. As it was, Shen Mei knew the tightrope she walked was impossibly thin, especially when she was lying about Shang Qinghua’s involvement, too. Well, she didn’t NEED to ask him. She already knew it was fake! She read the damned novel. Yet, there was no way that Ning Yingying could possibly know that on her own, so… Airplane was her backup. Hopefully, he’d “Yes, and–” her later…

Still. This was her chess match, her game of poker. Her bluff. 

And all against the wrong man.

“Please, Shizun… You have to do something! He could die!”

Even if it only meant switching the fake manual for a real one, she just wanted something to happen. One good deed… and she’d keep trying, little by little, to push for more. Maybe it’d backfire. Maybe, she lamented, he’d just take it out on Binghe again, rendering her attempt to help either of them completely pointless. Yet, she had accountability on her side this time! Shang Qinghua was getting involved whether he liked it or not. And, the truth was that Shen Qingqiu would take his anger out on Luo Binghe regardless of anything she did. He’d find a reason. But was she so wrong to hope things could get better? At least superficially? A little?

Or maybe she’d just burn herself out again.

Shen Qingqiu stared.

Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. How could Ning Yingying be this far off-script?! Though her information was slightly off, she shouldn’t know any of this yet. Was this some sort of bastardized butterfly effect? No, no that wasn’t possible; he’d hardly done anything in this world, and yet… Well, whatever the hell it was-! Even though Ning Yingying was woefully wrong about her [former] Shizun’s disposition, her argument wasn’t without merit. After all, what could he do? Oh, how unfortunate it was that The System couldn’t penalize him this time, either.

What could Shen Qingqiu do when Ning Yingying was imploring him like this? When there was another witness? If he handed Luo Binghe a second fake cultivation novel, then surely… Ning Yingying was nosy enough to find out. Nosy enough to ask—to enlist that greasy An Ding sleazeball to help her, apparently. Honestly, of all the other Peak Lords, why’d she have to involve that guy?

Whatever. He was involved. Shen Qingqiu fell for the lie.

It was a very comfortable lie. A very convenient one.

(Though he suspected that The System would stop accepting Ning Yingying as an excuse sooner or later, that was a problem for the future. Right now he’d accept any reason not to dig his—that was: Shen Qingqiu’s—grave any deeper.)

So, he said a few precious words.

“I see… then allow this master to handle it.”

Was it… really that easy? She’d rehearsed for several different situations, for wheedling and clinging and bartering. Yet— He’d handle it? Forgive her disbelief—frankly, she was astonished by his lack of argument—but she couldn't let it go just yet. Shen Mei insisted. He had to promise, and she wouldn’t let him go until he did! Ning Yingying was stubborn and childish like that, but that’s what worked. Mostly. Kind of. Because, as much as she’d like to, she wasn’t allowed to get visibly angry with him like she’d been with Ming Fan. She was the favourite, but how long would that favouritism last if she “betrayed” him?

(How exhausting…)

Shen Qingqiu feigned offense. “Do these master’s words mean nothing?”

Yet, he’d first need to consult Shang Qinghua to be sure. (–even if he’d rather not. Yet, he could only get away with avoiding one of them…)

—and then Ming Fan. (which he wouldn’t, but he had to say so. They both knew that.)

What actually happened, however, was that Shen Qingqiu cordially invited himself to pay Shang Qinghua a visit—not because he needed to know if what she said was true. It definitely was, save for the culprit. But because Shen Qingqiu was much more troubled that, apparently, Shang Qinghua and Ning Yingying—(he’d asked a few An Ding disciples along the way)—had become somewhat & rather suspiciously close of late. Even Ming Fan would confirm for him later that she’d appointed herself the official gofer for anything An Ding related.

Shang Qinghua, on the other hand, blithely disagreed. Not with the cultivation manual situation (though it took him a moment to catch on). His disagreement was with his alleged friendship, and it was exactly proportional to how much he didn’t want Shen Qingqiu getting on his ass for paying any sort of special attention to “Ning Yingying”… 

Yet, in the end?

It was because Peerless Cucumber wasn’t the Original Shen Qingqiu that Luo Binghe positively benefited from her meddling at all. Binghe was confused, shocked even, but tepidly hopeful. In time, Shizun would hand him a new, proper cultivation manual. Something special just for him (albeit said in such an obtuse, aloof manner that he couldn’t be docked for OOC). Shen Qingqiu made no mention of Ming Fan or the allegations against him. And so long as Luo Binghe was happy..? Neither did Shen Mei.

[resistance-squad]

Dear Persecutors (from one persecutor to others)

(I know not every system likes or uses that word, but I can't be the only one who feels like "yeah, that fits me" right? And this probably won't fit for everyone but I wanna say to you what I really wanted someone to say to me before.)

I see you.

I see that you're hurting. I know that you might feel like you're a bad person, but you aren't. Even if the others in your system think you're a bad person it doesn't mean you actually are.

A lot of the time others in our systems don't understand us. They think we're just mean. And sometimes we might say they're right, either cause we really started to think about ourselves like that or cause it's safer to say "yeah I just hate you all" than to say "I'm actually really scared".

Sometimes they expect us to open up to them but they haven't really given us any reason to trust them. They don't realize how often they ignore us, shut us out, judge the stuff we like, etc and it can feel like they just don't even care.

Sometimes they say they want us to open up to them but really they're trying to change us for their own comfort. It's not fair for them to expect us to just suddenly be happy and trusting and stuff. Esp cause a lot of the time it feels like they just want that for their own comfort in "dealing with us" and not really caring about how we feel. And sometimes when they're nice to us it feels like they just want us to not be persecutors anymore without actually understanding us, like being nice without actually trying to understand us.

It's ok if you're not ready to "feel better" yet. It's ok if you can't trust you're "safe" yet. When people get all impatient about it they forget that trying to MAKE somebody to feel safe is literally like the least safe feeling thing ever. And it's ok if you don't want to tell the rest of your system how you really feel if you don't trust them right now.

We aren't like this cause we think it's fun. (Like I said sometimes persecutors might say it is but that's like I mean how else can we cope with having to act like that?) We persecute cause we don't know what else to do with how scared and angry we are, or cause we thought we could stop other people from hurting us like that, or cause someone taught us we had to be like this, or cause it hurts less to get abused if we think we deserve to get hurt.

You deserve to have people in your system forgive you. Being a persecutor can feel like if you gave somebody CPR but you broke their rib but you saved their life and instead of being like wow thank you for saving my life, they acted like you're the worst person ever cause you broke their rib while saving their life. Like hello I was saving your life ok.

And you deserve to have someone listen to your feelings when you're ready to talk about them. And I mean really listen. To all of them even the most angriest ones. Not just "listen" like "I wanna listen and figure out how I can make you be nice to me now" but like actually listen like "I wanna understand you cause I see you're hurting and you don't have to be hurting all alone anymore". And you also deserve to get to open up about your feelings when YOU want to not on somebody else's timeline. Like who's gonna feel supported by someone trying to MAKE you open up about stuff that hurts.

And it's ok if you want people in your system to be gentle to you. Cause practically everybody wants that deep down when they're scared or sad, nobody wants people to be mean to them. But it's also ok if that's like too much and it feels scary or it hurts too much. And it's ok if you can't say that's why you're getting angry about it cause you don't know how or you don't trust them enough.

Like it's ok to be a persecutor. You aren't a bad person for being one. I know hearing that might make you mad cause it hurts to hear it sometimes. But you're doing your best and even if the rest of your system doesn't see it I do.

(Non-persecutors can reblog for the persecutors in their systems or for signal boosting or to understand where we're coming from better but this post is for persecutors, this is not the place for "but my persecutor did this!" type stuff.)

[plural-affirmations]

I saw people venting and if your in the mental state for it, I really need some comfort... I'll be referring to myself as Bug

Recently, I had a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist, let's call her T. I let Someone in sys bring up to T that I had headmates, a total of 46-ish other people who could front as they pleased. He said "I'm not Bug, I'm not the same person you talk to, there are about 46 of us."

She said, to his face (HUGE tw right here) "Your hallucinating. They aren't real because your aware of them."

We as a collective are very distraught and feel very invalidated. I live in a small Christian town and no other doctors are safe for me to visit. I have a therapist though (let's call her G) who believes me, and is trying to learn about my headmates and become acquainted with them and their negative triggers and likes, etc.

I'm super stressed out and don't know what to do and my headmate who was fronted for the whole ordeal is really upset about it...

Thank you if you read this, I just needed to get it off my chest, feel free to ignore<3 /platonic

Oh, Bug, I'm so sorry that happened to you and your system. I can see why you're distraught and discouraged.

Unfortunately, plurality is often dismissed, misdiagnosed, or in some cases, can cause outright hostility from some mental health professionals.

You and your headmate's feelings are both incredibly valid. Have you been able to reach him since this happened? Try to see if you can contact him to see how he's doing, and give him space to open up if he needs to.

As for some unsolicited comments/advice...

T has absolutely zero right to make that call without even asking you about your experiences and symptoms. That's extremely unprofessional and unethical, in my opinion. It's bad practice to not even talk to your patients on a one-to-one level of baseline respect, let alone make supposedly "informed" decisions about whatever is going on with them within a split-second of hearing about it. You have every right to be upset.

I know you said there's no other doctor for you to go to in your small town... is it a likely option for you (or someone you know) to drive to a doctor somewhere outside the town, but still close by? It may be worth looking into.

With that being said, I am very familiar with being unable to do that for various reasons, so there's 0 judgement if you have to continue seeing this psychiatrist.

If that's the case, though, it may be worth focusing on your relationship with G, since she seems to have a better connection to you all? She seems open, and if you think it's a good idea, I say go for it.

The point to all this is: I am so very sorry you're collectively going through this right now. It's an awful situation, and you did not deserve it. No one deserves to be mistreated, especially not from people who are in the mental health field. It's ok to be sad, or angry, or distrustful, or whatever else you may be feeling. There's no wrong way to process things.

As an aside, I also apologize for the late reply... even after I got back yesterday, it was quite busy IRL, and I didn't get a chance sit down to respond until now. I hope this still manages to bring you some new perspective or comfort.

Please don't forget how incredible you are, and feel free to send any follow-up messages, comments, concerns, etc., to our inbox.

We love you&, and we really sincerely wish you happiness and peace. ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

[fictofaggot]

u should do roxy and lil hal for that one thing

omg hey

Roxy Lalonde

Sexuality/Gender Headcanon: um ummm... unlabeled trans girl perhaps? gonna be honest idont know enough about her to hc an orientation but ithink she'd be aroacespec and place a lot of emphasis on tertiary attraction

A ship I have with said character: i like janeroxy and callieroxy but in likw an incomprehensible to humans unlabeled relationship way :3 most ships with roxy are cute tho :P

A BROTP I have with said character: idk... her and all of the alpha kids are great ilove her interactions with everyone... hrm... i think she and jade should hang out... i like her interactions with john... etc etc

A NOTP I have with said character: dirkroxy

A random headcanon: i think she'd like myspace and emo stuff? idk... she'd have those cat paw arm sleeve things 🐈

General opinion over said character: she's cool👍i barely paid attention to her whatsoever when i first read homestuck but now that i'm rereading it i like her more:3 i think her femme fatale thing she likes is cool and this is my favorite of her dialogs:

Lil Hal

Sexuality/Gender Headcanon: not gonna lie i donr think about this aspect of him ever but he is a he/it to me

A ship I have with said character: i don't ship him with anyone really but i think halcal is cute (autism by proxy)

A BROTP I have with said character: god.... ithink he and davesprite should hang out . tbh. i think him and tavros should hang out. his interactions with the other alpha kids are fascinating to me... i particularly love his interactions with dirk but not rlly in the friends way in the sense that they're so fucked up and i think hal should be allowed any kind of revenge he wants and they're so fascinating

A NOTP I have with said character: idk... again idont rlly look at ship content for him so i don't know whats out there?

A random headcanon: he listens to thw most heavily edited earbleeding shit you've ever heard bro drifts off to sleep with bass boosted woman screaming sound effect asmr 10 hours or those videos thats just hours of silence punctuated by the most horrific sounds you've ever heard at random

General opinion of said character: he is So Fucking Cool. he makes me so sad and so angry at dirk and like from a sys standpoint he's soooo relateable...but he's also just so fucking cool ues so fascinating and the circumstances of his existence are so fucked up and sad and HE MAKES ME SAD!!!!but he's cool... can't believe i didn't care about him when i first read homestuck can u believe that? i completely forgot he existed for so long... ithink i should've paid more attention to the alpha kids when i first read

[thesmpsystem]

so theres a part hoping that our outside friends make more outside friends so they can get support thats not us because we probably cannot be there enough for them

theres another part that hopes that happen so we can abandon them and run away and disappear

theres another part that hates that. because one of our outside friends has his sys partner. and he made us promise to take care of them. he is angry that we are thinking of abandoning them.

another part is sad on feeling left out. our outside friends are leaving us for other outside friends. we are being abandoned.

i think that part is influencing the part that wants to abandon everyone and disappear. if we leave first they would not leave us. if we abandon them first they cannot abandon us

it is so chaotic here also because an alter is close. that one. he... has a long history. he might be really influencing things

[tesco-finest-aromantics]

Before we make Pan’s intro post, it’s wild to think about how much Pan has gained his own separate identity. Like ey just randomly inhabit a body every so often that has this identity that isn’t theirs thrust upon em. The name Flip, being a trans guy, being bi-gay aroallo; he just accepted it even if it didn’t feel like emself. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t who they were, he didn’t use the body enough to form his own identity (and getting told you’re a certain way because you yourself said so! kind of stops questioning in it’s tracks). Now we know ey is their own person he’s chosen a name, pronouns and labels that Flip wouldn’t use. Pan is ace! Flip is allo! Pan is genderless! Flip is male! Pan uses he/they/ey pronouns! Flip uses he/ne/ae pronouns! We’re both aro! It’s so cool how much you can learn about yourself once you know you’re your own person.

On a similar note, our identity crises have pretty much solved themselves since we realised we were plural. Flip was on the edge between ace-spec and allo for a long time, but now we knows ae’s allo because Pan’s the one who’s ace (thoughts, feelings and identity can “bleed” between headmates). Gender and stuff too. Not everything's been worked out, but we're getting there.

[rarepears]

Please keep writing for SL and svsss, and no we are not tired of it (tbh I thought you would get tired of Svsss prompts so I have to hold myself back :/ but now that isn’t a problem :D)

Im up for a bit of angst soooo, SY and LBH are married but LBH cheated and decided to start a harem. SY wants no part of it so he leaves, he doesn’t go into a relationship straight away but he eventually starts to date some one else (LQG, YQY, MQF, etc. anyone you want). But they also cheat on him cause they fell in love with the peerless immortal SQQ facade and not SY (SY became comfortable with them enough to show them what he is really like).

Fast forward a couple more heartbreaks later, the OG! SQQ comes back and he is ANGRY. LBH and the other ex’s try to get with him, but because of SY they forgot that he actually isn’t nice and is, in fact, a dick. SJ finds out about what they did to SY and he shows them what he is really like. Que making their lives living hell because SY might be nice and caring but he is an absolute petty bitch that will use any advantage to bring you down.

SQQ and SY develop a pretty good friendship because of this and after a few years they decided to date (they won’t instantly jump in cause of past experiences and trauma). Everyone else sees their happy and stable relationship and start feel sorry about what they did to SY and SQQ in the past, but they don’t care anymore and go live their cottage core life 😌.

PS. Please make them REGRET hurting my baby SY

I'm going to flip some things around here.

Shen Yuan doesn't realize Luo Binghe's feeling for him. He thinks he's just the first person to join Binghe's harem, and this assumption is validated by the incoming stream of girls that Binghe is collecting. Shen Yuan assumes he's faded into the background of the harem enough that he skedaddles out of there before the harem really gets messy with poisoning and sabotage.

As for Luo Binghe, he was feeling emotionally unfulfilled by his relationship with Shen Yuan and Shen Yuan made all those comments about getting a harem, so Luo Binghe did what Shen Yuan said and got a harem. He was still left wanting because no one fulfilled all his desires of cuddling, holding hands, and fluff. It was all Binghe doing the giving, not other people cuddling and hugging Binghe after Binghe's bad day.

(Well, not to say that Shen Yuan didn't notice, but it wasn't anything different from before they established their relationship as lovers rather than Master and disciple! Plus, Luo Binghe may or may not have some very very unrealistic standards about how a romantic relationship should go after reading one too many overly possessive and kind of insane yandere love stories - you know exactly the type I'm talking about here where the ML is some 30 year old tyrant who usurped the throne from his older emperor brother in order to marry the beautiful 15 year old girl born to a concubine engaged to marry the crown prince by her power hungry father.)

Shen Yuan ends up sinking into a relationship with Liu Qingge. Now, it's not either parties' fault here, but their relationship doesn't hit 100%. Liu Qingge is in love with Shen Qingqiu, but he can't find that spark of personality in Shen Qingqiu in this amnesiac version of Shen Qingqiu. There's not enough bite, not enough vitriolic arrogance.

Shen Yuan is also not feeling great about this relationship because he can't convey his worries about his real family back in modern China or talk about how sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night feeling like he can't breath, that he needs an oxygen tube, that he can feel his chronic disease returning.

So yeah, that relationship just falls apart on its own. Sad sad.

Shen Yuan ends up finding comfort in his dreams where he dreams up of some man who fulfills all his needs in a romantic partner, yet for whatever reason, his dream can't figure out what this man is supposed to look like, so his mind just stamps his own face - the Shen Qingqiu face - onto this love interest. It's weird, Shen Yuan thinks, but okay he will take it. Shen Yuan proceeds to verbally vomit all his fears, thoughts, and past history onto this dream lover, and damn this is better than therapy.

There we have it: Shen Yuan X Shen Jiu relationship happens in Shen Yuan's dreamscape. Shen Yuan eventually realizes that he's actually interacting with Shen Jiu's ghost, pulls in Airplane to figure out how to get Shen Jiu a body, and they go off into the sunset.

Because Shen Jiu already has no good thoughts about Cang Qiong before his death and Shen Yuan's experience (replacing Shen Jiu with no one remaining suspicious about it all), Shen Jiu has no plans to reveal himself. As much as he would like to verbally flay into everyone, he values the long term gains than short term happiness, so he zips his mouth and grabs Shen Yuan out of the hornet nest.

As far as Cang Qiong knows, Shen Qingqiu just eloped with some stranger. Oh dear.

[fivequartersoftheorange]

Captain Syverson

Summary: Former Army Captain Syverson owns the hottest bar in town. He's handsome and successful and naturally many women throw themselves at him. But he's grumpy and irascible, and no one can quite make out why he always looks sad.

Author's Note: I've abandoned this wip and it seemed such a waste to delete it so I decided to post it. I honestly wasn't surenif I wanted to make it a reader insert or an ofc. Anyway, maybe I'll find inspiration for it someday.

This is also very heavily inspired by Casablanca.

The Sand Verbena was a veritable oasis amidst the soaring glass buildings in the cityscape. Men and women from all fonts of society came to the Verbena, as it was so often called, when they wished to escape the biting harshness of reality.

Jazz music and the crisp overlay of smoke assaulted the senses as one came up to the oak-paneled bar. A man in an expensive silver-grey suit sits at an alcove that gives him a sweeping view of the room, he reaches for the decanter and pours the amber liquid into his cut crystal glass and takes a sip, keen icy-blue eyes rove around the other patrons, trying to spot for signs of trouble.

He spies a sultry beauty glaring daggers at him as she knocks back shot after shot of vodka.

Face set in a perpetual scowl; he stands and makes his way to the bar, intent on stopping the woman. He watched as a mixture of hatred and anguish descended on the woman’s lovely face.

“Where were you last night?” she spat out.

“Pia.” he says, raising his glass in acknowledgement.

“Where were you last night, Sy?”

“I can’t remember.”

"Well, what're you doing tomorrow?"

“I don't make plans that far ahead.”

"How about later tonight?"

"I don't make plans six hours ahead."

She huffs. "Why are you like this? I thought..."

"I never made you any promises.”

Her grip tightened on the glass she was holding before she slams it on the countertop.

“Mike, give me another.”

“Pia, I think you’ve had too much to drink.” he said, signaling to Mike to stop pouring her drinks.

“Shut up! Don’t listen to him, Mike, give me another.”

Syverson’s fingers encircled her wrist and plucked the crystal glass from her hand.

“Mike, call a cab and get Pia her coat.”

“Get your hands off of me!” hissing and spitting like an angry cat, Pia managed to scratch his hand in an effort for him to drop her arm. Growling, Syverson drew back, she had drawn blood.

He saw her clap a hand to her mouth, shock colored her face and defeat weighed down her shoulders.

“What a fool I am, to fall for someone like you.”

-------

“Syverson, you extravagant bastard!” said Napoleon, lounging in the leather seat like an idle Ottoman pasha, “How casual of you to throw around women like that.”

"Gee boss. You need that stick out of your ass pronto." Mike says, running a rag on the countertop.

He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his drink, the liquid burning his throat.

And he thinks of her eyes, eyes that have haunted him night after night.

[mystic-shadows42]

Heartache {Part 3}

Warnings: Angst, Language, and PTSD

When you got home you knew Sy was back. He had a tendency for driving around in his truck and park it on the street, never the driveway. 

When he got deployed you parked it in the driveway so the neighborhood kids had more room to play. You sighed recalling the little things he always did. Years of knowing each other would do that but it’d be different facing him this time.

You stood in front of the door with your hand on the doorknob. It was hard to believe that he was just on the other side of the door-waiting. Undoubtedly, you were happy that he was home but also sad.

How could it be possible to love someone so much and be hurt by them so often?

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath just before walking in. Once you stepped inside, it was quiet. His bags were settled by the door still packed and untouched.

You trailed your eyes over the living room to see him sitting on the couch in a hunched position. For a brief moment, your breath was caught at the sight of him. It had been almost a year since you last saw him and it was a surreal moment.

Once he saw you, he stood up from the couch clutching a bouquet of flowers.

He took careful steps your way, gauging your reaction. You took a deep breath taking him in. His beard has grown out more. His muscles looked prominent but overall no matter if he was in pique condition physically, his eyes held a different tale.

His eyes were dark with bags underlining the bottom. He looked tired and worn. There was nothing more that you wanted to do than throw yourself in his arms but the discovery of his infidelity held you back.

You could tell he sensed the change in you. Usually, whenever he came back you’d jump in his arms peppering his face with kisses. This time, the atmosphere was tense.

“I wasn’t sure if I’d find you here?” He chuckled but it sounded forced. He was never one to be nervous especially around you but after all that’s been said while he was across the world, had changed it all.

It seemed strange. At one point, your relationship was the envy of the title happy married couple. Now it felt as if you were both strangers forced into one room.

“Why wouldn’t I be here? This is our home.” The corner of his lips twitched when you mentioned ‘our home’ to him. That little comment gave him a spark of hope.

“I got you flowers.” He raised them up so you could see them clearly. You gave a faint smile feeling how awkward it was between you both. It seemed strange now as husband and wife. “Can I just- hold you?”

You contemplated the idea. You didn’t want things to simply fall back into place as it was before but he was your friend before he even became your husband. No matter how hurt you were since he’s been gone you couldn’t deny that you missed him.

He walked closer placing the flowers on the table until he was just an arm’s length away. He raised his hand slowly then touched your arm.

You looked down at where he touched you intaking a deep breath of air. You were confused. If he didn’t do what he did then this wouldn’t be happening.

If he had just stayed loyal and true to you then you wouldn’t be torn. It was his fault. He broke your heart and he wasn’t even there to fix it as you dwelled and pondered alone. You looked back at him with your vision cloudy with tears you didn’t want to allow to escape.

He took one look at you and looked guilty. He had a look of remorse. His shoulders sagged and his eyes veiled with sympathy.

You clenched your jaw when his calloused hand rubbed soothing circles on your arm. There were so many conflicting emotions that you couldn’t take it. You were angry with him but still loved him.

Your head and heart were at war with one another.

He wrapped his arms around you embracing your body in his arms. You reciprocated clutching onto the back of his shirt. There was no doubt in your mind that he could feel the sharp sting of your nails embedded in his back. Your nose was buried within the scent of him.

“I missed you so fucking much. After your call, I thought that was it. I thought you were finally going to leave me and I couldn’t bear it.”

You didn’t know how to respond because the thought of leaving never truly went away but yet again staying was all you ever did. Even when you suspected.

You dropped your arms from him abruptly. He did the same and watched as you backed up. You couldn’t think clearly when he’s so close.

“I saw a therapist,” he announced breaking the tension.

“You went back?”

“I needed to accept that I need help. Medication can only do so much.”

It was no secret that Sy suffered from PTSD. He was always too proud to ask for help. You wanted to ask how it went but knew pressing for answers only would increase his anxiety.

“I told him of what I’ve seen. What I’ve done. He wanted to know more about my tour but all I talked about was us.”

He paused biting his bottom lip.

“You’re the reason why I went back to get help. He put a lot in perspective for me.”

“Yeah?” You didn’t really know how to respond. You were happy to hear he finally talked to someone. He never spoke of his tours to you. He always bottled it in.

Whenever his comrades died in battle he’d simply tell you to dress for a funeral. The only glimpse into his soldier life was either through his comrades or the stories from loved ones of the fallen soldiers.

It was something you were helpless to. The more you pressed on helping him and being there to comfort him, the more he got irritated and would up and leave.

“You know firsthand I have a hard time expressing my emotions. I’ve cheated and lied. You didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve a shitty husband like me but I’m begging you. Don’t leave me,” he pleaded.

You looked down at the floor not wanting to look into his eyes.

“Sy you’ve only just got back. Do you really want to do this now?”

“I do. Because in my shit infested life the only thing irreplaceable is you.”

Your heart rate increased. It wasn’t due to it being heartfelt but more that he barely realized that now. It shouldn’t have had to take this long for him to try and mend it all back.

“You were right. I did drift away. Ever since the doctor told me that I was infertile…it rocked me, on top of all the shit I’ve seen. Knowing that I can’t provide you, children,” he drifted off sharing the same look with him. “I took it hard. That’s when I shut down. Staying out late and cheat. There was no emotion to it. I just needed to feel something, anything. I couldn’t feel. I was just empty inside and felt worse than I did before. I’m sorry. Sorry for all of it.”

Hearing all of this didn’t hurt any less than when you first found out. You were happy to hear him admit to his faults but sad that it took him so long.

“All you had to do was come to me. You weren’t alone when the doctor told us we couldn’t have children. Yes, I admit that I was sad but all I ever wanted was you. Our love was enough for me. I just don’t understand why it wasn’t the same for you.”

This was the man you loved whom you’ve committed to for years. You looked at him differently now. You still loved him but in the back of your mind, you’d always be reminded of his infidelity.

“I didn’t feel like a man. It’s no excuse for what I’ve done but it’s the truth. All I ask is you to give me a chance. If you don’t then I’ll leave right now.”

He was giving you an ultimatum. You loved him but his betrayal cut deep. Was this marriage redeemable or was it broken beyond repair? After all this time, you still hadn’t made up your mind. 

“Just get some rest. I don’t feel like making a decision right now.” An oncoming headache was making itself known. You rubbed your middle finger and thumb against your forehead and started to head to your room. “Oh,” you turned around looking at Sy again. He stood up straight waiting for your answer. The soldier in him was waiting for your next order and you had to fight back a smile at the thought. “This doesn’t mean anything more than this being your home too. I won’t just kick you out on the streets.” You swallowed and wrung your hands together. “I heard you lost some good soldiers and I’m sorry about that. If you need to talk to me about it-only that, then the door is always open.”

He exhaled and nodded his head. You had heard the news from a fellow army wife. Sy was never good with death. He bottled it up. 

You thought back to when he’d shut himself off from everyone and put his attention towards working out or even fixing everything broken in the house just to keep him busy.

The nightmares were always the scariest. He’d sweat and shake. He’d grip the sheets so tight and if it wasn’t that, he’d grip your wrist in an attempt to brace himself from whatever he was seeing.

You were trying to read the book in your hands but after re-reading the same sentence after countless times you simply put it down on your lap giving up on it altogether. The knocking on the door and the person entering the room is what captured your attention. 

Sy had a solemn look on his face. His hands were fisted at his sides while he looked down at the floor with his jaw clenched. If you hadn’t known any better it looked as if he was debating whether or not to be in here.

“You still up for that talk?”

You moved your book to the side and brought your knees up. You nodded to him and watched as he sat at the foot of the bed with his back to you. You waited patiently. It was quiet for a good while until a loud sniffle rung out.

You froze at the sound wondering if your ears were deceiving you. Then you heard it again and saw his back begin to shake. Sy was crying.

It had truly been a turn of events. Out of all the things you expected to happen today you didn’t think this would’ve happened. You’ve never seen him show even a hint of sadness or even cry before. He was a macho man that suppressed what he felt, but perhaps he’d been holding it in for so long that it just finally broke him.

You sat up on your knees and crawled towards him carefully. The last thing you wanted to do was startle him when he was at his most vulnerable. When you were just a touch away, you raised your hand, hesitating to touch him.

His shoulders shook violently as he held his face in his hands. You placed a comforting hand on his back. You moved closer and wrapped your arms around him, laying your head against his back feeling every shake and hiccup as he grieved for his comrades.

After weeks of wallowing in your own misery, you neglected to think of what he was feeling. He was dealing with your marriage, fighting with his own mind, and plagued with the death of all those he knew.

You closed your eyes and allowed him to let it all out.

He didn’t need to say anything. All he needed to do was allow it all to happen. All the emotions were coming to the surface, no longer submerged by him alone.

You hugged him tighter when he held onto your arms that were against his chest. He would clasp and unclasp his hands on you as if to keep you from slipping away. His warm tears were falling onto your arm and the whole ordeal made you start to cry too.

Even with your marriage hanging by a thread you’d always be there for support. He carried the weight of his demons. He dealt with the worst of nightmares and lived them. It was due time that he sought some solace by confiding in you. He was a broken soul finally seeking some peace of mind.

>> Part 4 >>

Tagged: @rkil98​