#talking to me is a chore and not enjoyable anymore??

[joyful-soul-collector]

Woke up this morning to a text from my oldest, closest online friend who'd ghosted me a few months ago telling me they'd been cruel to ghost and ignore me like that, but that our friendship had long run it's course, and we were too different now. They said talking to me felt like a chore and wasn't enjoyable anymore. They hope the rest of my life goes well, and they enjoyed the times we had together, but it's time that they left. Then they blocked me on everything, so I can't even say goodbye back.

Idk who needs to hear this but just because you're different people now, doesn't mean you can never speak to each other again. I would've been perfectly happy to catch up with them once or twice a year, or even less than that. I would've sent them my book since they'd been there encouraging me ever since I started writing it. I would've met up with them when I finally got the chance to go to England, and I would've been able to give them the painting I made for their birthday in person. I would've read their books when they published them, I would've loved to just have been able to be casual old friends, even though we're not what we used to be because that's just what happens in life.

Ghosting me and blocking me on everything doesn't make things better. It just made it so the end of our friendship was permanent, and that reconnecting again isn't possible anymore.

What a frustrating way to throw out 4 years of friendship

[1d1195]

My Friend's Toyota II

Read Part I here: My Friend's Toyota

~7.9k words

Warnings: a bit more angsty this time around.

She nodded feeling a little worried about the conversation she was waffling on thinking about it more. The kind of girls that flirted with Harry didn’t look like her. They were loud and boisterous. Fun and exciting. They probably didn’t get enjoyment out of perfectly stacking the dishwasher or the smell of laundry on Sundays while watching TV.

Told me that she’s never been in love before / Darling, I can treat you right, take you to the shore / Every time you cross my mind, I just want you more / Sitting in the grass looking at the tower / Thinking ‘bout her eyes every single hour / She’s my wildflower

She brought water and pain pills into Allie’s room and plopped on the bed beside her. “Good morning, sunshine!” She chirped.

“I hate you,” she hissed from beneath the blanket.

Giggling, she laid beside her hungover form and smiled at the ceiling. It felt like her organs were made of liquid. They were all warm. Like her heart had sent too much blood to each of them. Her face felt warm. He wasn’t even around and just the mere thought of Harry had her feeling downright giggly. It had never felt like this before about a guy. Not when she pined over the guy in her high school biology class. In her sixteen-year-old rom-com ridden mind, that guy was the love of her life. They were going to live happily ever after. One day he was going to notice her, not just as his lab partner but as someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It was foolish to think. Not the guy she dated briefly when she was seventeen. But she tried not to think about him too much.

Sixteen and seventeen was so young. Twenty-one was still young but she felt more confident about Harry making the giddy feeling flood over her as she laid beside a headache-ridden Allie.

“Did you sleep in Niall’s bed?” Allie asked.

Her cheeks flushed hotly. She shook her head, glad that Allie was hiding beneath the covers. “No, of course not.”

“I don’t think anyone would blame you. That wouldn’t even be the worst place Harry’s taken a girl to bed,” Allie murmured. Allie’s hungover, she reminded herself. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Speaking before she had time to process what she was saying. Worrying about something she had no control over.

She didn’t want to think too much about the rumors that swirled around Harry. After last night, if anyone saw her go into a bedroom with Harry, she was certain the rumors wouldn’t just be about him anymore. “I think I have to ask him about the rumors,” she whispered.

“Yeah? That’s good, honestly. It’ll probably make you feel better. You’re already on his side,” Allie was gentle. Even though her head was screaming, and she probably still didn’t trust Harry the way she did implicitly. But his previous relationships, they were none of her business. As long as he was kind to her, she had no reason to believe he would break her heart.

She nodded feeling a little worried about the conversation she was waffling on thinking about it more. The kind of girls that flirted with Harry didn’t look like her. They were loud and boisterous. Fun and exciting. They probably didn’t get enjoyment out of perfectly stacking the dishwasher or the smell of laundry on Sundays while watching TV.

“What’s on the docket for today?” Allie asked sitting up and taking the medicine and water from her.

“Nothing,” she shrugged. “I was going to work on my online class, do some chores.”

“Well, I need hangover food, so put it off. We’re going to breakfast,” she said getting out of bed and pulling her hair into a twist and out of her face. She giggled in response.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

*

She was right about the rumors. As Allie devoured her bacon-y potato cure, she could hear the next booth over talking in low whispers about how Harry brought another girl into Niall’s bedroom. “They were in there for two hours.”

“Lucky girl.”

“Lucky Harry,” a guy muttered to them. “Did you see her? She’s hot.” She was glad the booth wall that separated them was high enough to keep her hidden. Allie seemed to be too focused on her breakfast to notice the others chatting about her one table over.

“That’s a new record for him. He hooked up with like five girls over the summer.”

That was the kind of rumor that made her stomach churn. “She’s nerdy and so not Harry’s type. I have a class with her, and she sits in the front. I give it two weeks now.”

“So why does he keep hanging out with her?”

She pushed her plate of French toast aside and tried to tune them out. She looked at Allie, head resting on the table beside her plate of food. “It’s so good,” she moaned.

Laughing, she shook her head. “No one forced you to drink that much,” she reminded her.

Allie smiled. “No one needs to.”

*

She knew she was being quiet. “Y’okay, love?” Harry asked as they walked to math class. She nodded, still silent. Harry didn’t press her, which she was grateful for; it seemed hard to believe he was planning this long extravagant plan to impress her long enough to sleep with her or something. The rumors continued to swarm from the weekend. She wondered if Harry heard them or if people were smart enough to not to talk about him in front of him.

But all the rumors were about how she wasn’t good enough. How Harry was wasting his time. It felt true. She probably wasn’t like the other girls Harry dated. The October breeze chilled her cheeks and she nuzzled into the collar of her jacket briefly to avoid the breeze. “Do you have plans tonight?” Harry asked.

Nothing besides studying and homework. But she didn’t want to sound unbelievably lame. “No,” she cleared her throat.

“Would y’want t’hang out?” He asked.

“Hang out?” She repeated.

He smiled. “Yeah... we can order pizza and study. Or watch a movie. Jus’ hang out,” he repeated. Her heart fluttered at how sweet it sounded. How innocent. She really needed to tell him about her worries.

Be careful with your heart. Allie’s voice was loud in her head. She loved her best friend, but kind of wanted to shove her for getting into her head like that. She was blissfully unaware of Harry’s reputation until Allie brought it up. Now it was tainting her walk. Ruining the nice late-night chat she had with him in Niall’s bedroom. If she ever ran into Niall, she would have to remember to thank him. 

“Mitch works on Tuesdays and then stays at his girlfriend’s place so...I know y’don’t have class tomorrow. Y’could stay if y’want t’stay the night.”

Her heart felt uneasy, and she didn’t know how to answer without sounding like an idiot. “Um...”

“You don’t have to,” he said quickly. “Jus’ thought I’d offer. I’ll take y’home any time y’want,” he promised.

Biting her lip, they entered the Sawyer building, and she paused right by the door ignoring the passing groups of students hurrying to and from their next class.

They stood near the ancient radiator for a building that was built in the late 1800s. It was painted over in white, about two inches thick of the chipping color. She wondered how it hadn’t melted off when the air was so chilly. While she warmed herself, Harry said hello to a friend of his and she got the gist that he was asking about the soccer game later in the week.

For whatever reason, in her mind, now was the perfect time to ogle Harry. His black jeans (they were her favorite of his) hugged the muscles of his legs like they were nearly painted on. She never cared about a guy’s legs before until she met Harry. His hair was coiffed to perfection in those lovely chocolate curls that made her want to run her hand through them herself. His jacket was lighter than hers; of course it was. It was probably a normal temperature to him and not frigid the way she thought it was. He looked so cozy she wanted to hug him. Other than gentle touches to the arm or hand, they hadn’t touched one another all that much. The ache she felt in her muscles to reach out and hug him was so strong she had to silently berate herself that she would look like a lunatic hugging in the middle of the building between college classes.

Eventually, she pulled herself from her thoughts. She found Harry smiling at her so sweetly while she thought about everything rapid fire while waiting for an answer. His friend was gone and she wondered how long she had been caught staring and nearly drooling over him while she warmed by the antiquated heating system.

“I would love to hang out, I’m not sure about staying over,” she admitted. “I have work in the morning.”

“S’fine,” he answered eagerly. “I’ll take any time I can have with you, love,” he looked at his feet and then up again, shyly through his eyelashes. Standing by the radiator was suddenly too hot. All he had to do was look at her. She would never need a heating system again.

*

“Do I look okay?” She asked Allie. She wasn’t trying to overdo it. She wanted to be prepared without looking insane. If she stayed over, she would have the T-shirt she needed for working at the local Starbucks. She could wear the jeans she had on currently, and no one would be the wiser. Her little bag of toiletries was shoved into the middle pocket of her backpack. The last step was to have Allie double check her outfit, hair, and makeup. That she wasn’t overdoing it for a Tuesday evening.

Allie paused from her painting wiping the back of her hand across her forehead to get the hair out of her vision. In doing so, she swiped teal paint across her skin. But it only made her look like the project herself. Her major was art, of course—she wanted to teach because it was one of the most passionate classes she took growing up.

Her teachers inspired her, and she wanted to do the same. Honestly, she already looked the part. Her outfits always consisted of bohemian skirts and the like. Her hair was a little frazzled but in an organized messy way. Allie added décor around the apartment that sparked a little flare to the selection of items she had purchased when they moved in. Her eye for color was impeccable and while she would probably have the same six prints hung on the wall, Allie was able to add something that didn’t quite fit their modern-twenty-something-year-old theme but nonetheless went perfectly. She was like a ballerina, utterly graceful. Like she floated from room to room and exuded beauty like it was her job.

Now, Allie looked her up and down. A black, long-sleeved T-shirt with the college name along the sleeve that she would wear to bed if she had to. She crammed a pair of leggings and socks alongside her bag of toiletries just in case as well. She wore a pair of Converse just in case she stayed the night and had to go to work right from Harry’s. “You look really pretty,” Allie promised with a smile. “Effortless beauty.”

She sighed with relief. “You’re sure. My hair isn’t too much?” She straightened it after a late afternoon shower. It would be easier to deal with if she did end up staying the night and didn’t shower.

“It’s very practical of you,” she assured her. “You’re not trying too hard, sweetie. I swear.”

“Okay,” she sighed again. “Is it weird I’m nervous?” She asked.

“Not at all. You really like him,” Allie reminded her. As if she could forget. “It’ll be fine though. You have nothing to worry about.”

Even though Allie was definitely her best friend, they hadn’t known each other long; there was still a long list of things she hadn’t told her yet. “I’ve...never spent the night with a guy,” she admitted.

Allie blinked. “Oh,” tilting her head curiously at her lovely friend. It seemed a little...not weird, but genuinely surprising. The girl was sweet as could be. They hadn’t delved too deeply into romantic histories, but it sounded like she had gone on enough dates back South to have stayed at a guy’s place before. “Well...it’s okay,” her tone was comforting.

Her face turned pink, and she looked at Allie as if she had all the answers. “What if I do it wrong?”

Allie smirked sadly. “Sweetie, you can’t do it wrong. Not if Harry likes you as much as he says he does. The way I saw how much he liked you. You were right,” she nodded her head firmly. “It’s different with you, trust me,” she wrapped her arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. She smiled brightly as she ushered her out the door before she could talk herself out of doing something she knew she wanted to do. “And if he does try something shady, you just text me and I will come cut his dick off.”

*

Harry said five and she knew it was a fifteen-minute walk to his dorm from her apartment. It seemed like everything was a fifteen-minute walk. She passed dozens of people hurrying to their late-night classes or to the nearest dining hall (it was breakfast for dinner night which was always a school favorite). The air was so brisk for her southern skin. She wished she wore a scarf. But she wasn’t too far away, and she was sure she could convince Harry to turn up the heat for a bit if needed.

The sun was lower in the sky. The blue wasn’t quite visible anymore. The clouds turned the light around the sun varying degrees of white, pink, purple, and orange. It was stunning and she took a picture on her phone for Allie in case she needed something to paint. She had already painted another photo she had taken earlier in the summer when they first met and told her anytime that she took a nice picture she would gladly paint it.

Harry told her to text her when she arrived, and he would run down to let her in. But due to students not caring about the safety protocols of the building, she made her way in easily when someone held the door behind them while exiting. Once inside she was grateful for the warmth and took a few moments to enjoy the heat and calm the nerves bubbling in her veins. Once she gained feeling back in her fingertips, she called Harry. “Hey love, are y’here? I’ll head down,” he said and she could hear the shuffle of items.

“M'actually in the lobby. If you want to tell me which floor, you’re on, I can make my way myself.”

“Oh, love. M’sorry. I hope y’didn’t wait long,” she could hear the frown in his voice. “Fourth floor. M’standing outside the elevator waiting.” she headed up to the fourth floor of the building via the elevator. She pressed the button and waited for it to descend.

“Not at all. Got right in behind someone exiting,” she promised.

“Oh good. Okay, see you in a minute.”

Taking a deep breath, she was grateful she was alone on the elevator. It was just hanging out. It wasn’t a date. There was no reason to be nervous. Harry was extremely nice to her. When the elevator door opened, her heart stopped seeing him waiting for her. “Wow, y’look beautiful,” he said in greeting looking her up and down but in a way that didn’t feel excessive. Her cheeks felt red at his assessment.

“Thank you,” she smiled. “Thanks for having me.”

“M’pleasure, love,” he tilted his head for her to follow him down the hall to his room. She could hear music coming from the other rooms and even below her. “S’not as loud inside,” he promised.

She smiled. “It’s fine.”

He tapped the number on the keypad and opened the door for her to enter before him. “S’a pretty standard suite,” he shrugged. “Mitch’s room is over there,” he pointed to the door on the right side of the room. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge or cabinets.”

“You have a balcony?” She asked, dropping her bag on the sofa in the sitting area and rushing to the slider to look at it. He smiled at her excitement. She could feel it on her back as she looked through the glass. Harry didn’t go out there much because it was pretty closed off. Each balcony was enclosed with concrete walls on each side and a sloping wooden awning over top that extended past the rail. It almost looked like a prison cell with bars extending from awning to railing from end to end. Worry that drunk college students would fall being the reason. “Can I go out there?” She asked.

He chuckled. “Course,” he reached in front of her, unlocking the handle and pulling it open.

She stepped on the little area and peered between the bars to look at the cotton candy sky. “You get to see the sunset like this every day?” She asked.

He smirked. “Yeah,” he shrugged. “When m’home, I suppose. M’usually working or out and about around sunset.”

“I would live out here,” she told him.

“S’a little cold for you, I think.”

She wrinkled her nose at him so cutely in mock distaste, the expression on Harry’s face changed minutely and he smiled a little more. “That’s what blankets are for. It’s so nice,” but an involuntary shiver ran down her body completely shaking her theory.

Harry tilted his head back toward the inside. “Let’s get y’back inside before y’freeze t’death.”

“If I was going to freeze to death, it would have been on the way here,” she told him. “I should have gloves,” she rubbed her hands together quickly in response. He was right, unfortunately. The chill on the balcony ruined the warmth she got back when she entered the lobby of his building.

“Let me get y’some tea. The pizza should be here soon, too,” he promised. “I thought y’might want t’study a bit before we watch a movie,” he admitted. “If y’don’t, we can start right on the movie.”

She shook her head. “No,” she was quite relieved. There were a few homework problems she needed to finish and dreaded the idea of staying up late tomorrow night after a long day at work but of course would gladly suffer such a thing if it meant an evening with Harry. “That would be great actually.”

“Great,” he smiled. “Make yourself at home. I’ll get the tea,” he turned to the little kitchen area.

*

After homework, pizza, and a movie, it was nearing ten. They sifted through their regular course of conversation throughout homework and pizza time but remained pretty silent during the movie. The tension she felt between them was thick. She wanted to snuggle up to him but instead wrapped herself snug under the blanket he gave her. The idea of walking back in the cold fifteen minutes away seemed like a terrible idea. Even if Harry went with her.

Her thoughts rolled over about a hundred times weighing her options. She wondered if she should excuse herself to the bathroom to get a pep talk from Allie but stopped herself when Harry’s laugh quietly jolted her from her thoughts. Harry had one socked foot on the coffee table, the other on the floor, one arm draped along the back of the sofa behind her, but not in a romantic sort of way. His other hand propped his head up. His foot on the table bounced back and forth lightly in an easy rhythm. He looked so at ease. Not worried about embarrassing himself in anyway.

Must have been nice. When the movie ended about twenty minutes later, she glanced at her watch as discreetly as she could. “D’you want me to walk you back?” he asked.

She shook her head. “Um... it’s pretty late... and cold. I wouldn’t want to put you out—”

“S’no trouble at all,” he promised.

Her face warmed feeling like now he wanted her to leave. “Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind. I hate to think you’d have to walk back in the cold. I did bring a change of clothes but if you need me to—”

“Oh, oh,” Harry shook his head. Dropping his foot from the coffee table to the floor and turning to her completely. His eyes looked a little wild and she was surprised he looked so at ease moments ago. “Of course. I want you t’stay, love,” he promised. “You must pack light,” he shook his head. “M’so sorry it sounded like I wanted you t’leave. I do not want that. I jus’ assumed y’didn’t bring anything t’make y’comfortable staying over,” his cheeks turned the lightest shade of pink. She could see it in the low light of the lamp he and Mitch brought instead of the fluorescent overhead light. She sighed a bit with relief. “I don’t want you t’leave at all,” he promised.

The air in her lungs felt lighter then. “Oh. Okay.”

“Really,” he inched just a hair closer to her. If she wasn’t so focused on him, she might not have noticed the minute shift in his body language moving toward her. “M’really happy you’re here,” he whispered, and she knew the moment he looked in her eyes he was going to kiss her.

He was moving closer, she wasn’t helping. Her heart was beating so hard, she was surprised he couldn’t hear it. Surprised it wasn’t louder than the thrum of the music playing from the suite below him. He kept looking at her lips. The way they parted slightly. She breathed through her nose as she waited for him to get closer.

“I’ve never slept in a guy’s bed,” she blurted. Blinking, Harry stopped his motion half an inch from her lips. She could feel his warm breath across her face. He pulled back, creating a bit of space between them. He waited patiently for follow up. Gazing at her a little bit nervously. She closed her eyes and bit her lip. She turned her face away from him. “I’m sorry. That totally ruined the moment.”

“No,” he put a hand carefully on her blanket covered knee. “Not at all, love. M’jus’ trying t’give y’some time,” he promised. “M’jus’ waiting.”

She scrunched her eyes shut tighter seeing her blood rush in imaginary shapes behind her closed lids. She still faced away from him. She wanted to blurt it out. But was so scared he would reject her. Then she would have to walk home alone in the cold and dark. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, love?” She imagined the cute little pinch of skin between his eyebrows. Like he got when he concentrated while studying.

She took a deep breath and released an exasperated sigh. Her face felt hot still and maybe a walk in the cold would help her forget this. When she started to speak, her voice shook ever so slightly, and she prayed Harry didn’t notice. “For ruining—”

He did, and it broke his heart before she could finish the sentence. “Love, will you please look at me?” He interrupted. Harry didn’t rush her. It was so slow. A whole hour could have passed in that minute it took her to turn back to him, her hair falling in front of her face still hiding her expression from him. “You didn’t ruin anything,” he promised. “M’honestly... glad y’told me; means you’re comfortable.”

She didn’t have the heart to tell him this was the least comfortable she had ever felt in his presence, but she knew what he meant. “I really want to kiss you,” she whispered.

He smiled sadly. That must be a good sign for him, she thought. Despite the pause. But Harry must have also sensed there was more. “...but?”

She was quiet, bit her lip, and covered her eyes with her hand. “I’ve never been in love before,” she told him, the shake of her voice unmistakable. That must have really surprised him because he was silent. She didn’t dare look. There was still more. “And I’ve never—”

“Love, stop,” he said quickly. She was wrong. He wanted her to leave. This was so embarrassing. There were tears stinging the back of her eyes, but she still didn’t look—couldn’t look. Gently, he pulled her hand from her face holding it in his lap. He cupped his face with his freehand. “I jus’ want t’kiss you,” he whispered rubbing his thumb so softly against her cheek. It felt like the equivalent of his whispered voice. “Nothing more,” he promised. “Can jus’ be one kiss, even,” he suggested. “Nothing else,” he repeated.

She looked at those brilliant green eyes for so long she swore another hour passed in that minute. The shake of her voice disappeared. The stinging behind her eyes stopped. Her heart felt achy, and she leaned the final empty inches between them and granted his wish.

*

It was not one kiss. One kiss turned into another and then another and then she wasn’t sure she could keep count even if she wanted to. Harry’s hand cupped the side of her face the entire time. His fingers sliding between her hair right behind her ear and tugging her close. It had to have been hours by the time Harry pulled away, resting his forehead against hers. His breathing heavy across her cheeks as he pressed a kiss on her cheek, then pulled away to kiss her forehead. He tucked her head beneath his chin and pulled her toward him. It was quiet, aside from the music below them and their slightly ragged breathing. “Thank you,” he whispered.

She giggled slightly shaking her head against his chest. She was clinging to his short shirt sleeves with both hands, like he was a life raft. Granted, he did make her feel like she was drowning with kisses only moments before. They were quiet for a while, just basking in the warmth of each other. Every so often, Harry kissed the top of her head. His hand moved up and down her spine soothingly.

“Are you tired?” He asked. She shook her head. “Are you alright, kitten?” He asked nervously.

She nodded. “I’m good,” she sighed. “Promise.”

He sighed with relief. “Good,” he murmured in her hair. “’Ve wanted t’do that since I met you,” he admitted.

She smiled against his throat. “Yeah?”

“Very much so,” he mumbled.

“Can I ask you something?” She asked pulling back from him. It seemed colder than the air outside being so far away from him. It was almost harmful to her health.

He nodded. “’Course.”

“Have you heard the rumors about me?” She wondered.

He blinked. “No,” he frowned. “M’sorry. What rumor—”

She blushed. “Um... just that I’m not your type. I’m nerdy. Not...gonna be around long,” she turned away briefly. “I don’t expect you to propose or anything just for kissing me, Harry. I’m not insane. But I’m looking for a relationship,” she sounded way stronger than she felt. Looked him square in the eye as she said the next part. “But I don’t want to date lots of guys for weeks and not have it go anywhere or do anything. I want to have someone to depend on when I feel stressed, someone to sit with me while I do homework, go out to eat with or watch movies and—”

He smiled and chuckled softly as she spoke. Her heart felt so fragile and exposed and his laughter momentarily made her feel ridiculous. But after just a few seconds of his low chuckle, eventually, he sighed with relief. “Kitten, I’ve been waiting a very long time for you,” he whispered, cupping her perfect, gorgeous face, and kissed her again.

*

“Is it everything you expected?” He whispered. She snorted in the dark and Harry chuckled. Her body was warm and pressed close to his, spooned against his chest. She smelled like the raspberry chapstick she put on right before they climbed into his bed. He squeezed her, kissed her temple. His heart nearly broke listening to her worry about sleeping in the same bed as him. He knew there was more. More she was embarrassed about she couldn’t get it out in one full sentence. None of that mattered to him. Not even a little. “Can we talk?” He asked. She nodded silently against him. “You’ve never been in love?” He wondered.

She shook her head. “I think I’ve made it... too big of a thing in my head,” she admitted. “Too many rom-coms, fairy tales, and books I read as a teenager,” she explained. “It’s silly,” she whispered.

“I don’t think it’s silly,” he kissed the back of her head. “S’really nice.”

“My parents met on this campus,” she explained. “They love each other like...” she shook her head, his lips basically rubbing against her forehead with her motion. “I’m a lucky girl to witness that kind of love. To have grown up around that love while I lived at home.”

“S’that why y’transferred here?”

She shrugged. “It worked for them.”

“Love, m’not trying t’pry or say s’weird. Or make y’uncomfortable in anyway. But... m’shocked y’haven’t been in love. You’re stunning,” he punctuated the thought with another kiss to the back of her head. “Sweet, intelligent, jus’ so lovely. S’a miracle for me y’don’t have a line of admirers.”

She turned around in his arms to face him. She was eye level with him. Their heads sharing a pillow on the extremely small twin mattress. Her nose bumped his and he smelled her raspberry chapstick even stronger. “When I was in high school,” she whispered. “I thought I was in love. I thought we were in love. He carried my backpack with my insanely heavy AP History textbook, he brought me coffee to school, and drove me home from soccer practice,” her voice was even. Not a hint of sadness yet Harry felt this rush of sadness all through him.

“Y’don’t have t’tell me, kitten.”

She glanced up at him, even though it was dark, the light thrown from the moon, made it bright enough that he could make out the whites of her eyes. “I want to,” she admitted. Her regular confidence seemed to be shaken during their almost kiss. The thought of making her uncomfortable, especially after feeling like she ruined their first kiss was his worst nightmare. But conviction seemed to resurface as she began her story. Harry wasn’t sure he’d be able to stand where he thought it was going, but if she wanted to share, he would listen to every word.

He nodded. “M’listening,” he promised.

“We were having our first study date at his place,” she continued. “It was for our English literature class. We had to create a PowerPoint about a book we read. Highlighting all the symbolism and allegory. The history and whatnot,” it wasn’t relevant as to what they were studying. It wasn’t the point. She was stalling. Harry knew it. But he let her continue. “He invited me over because his parents weren’t home. His siblings were out. It was just us.” Harry was terrified he knew where it was going and even though she was perfectly whole in front of him, he felt so much anger coursing through him he worried he might hold her too tight. He held his breath waiting for the shoe to drop. “I thought he would just want to make out or something,” she whispered. “I’m pretty certain I was in love with a guy in my biology class the year before, so I knew I didn’t love him so maybe it’s my own fault for going to his house. Knowing what a guy like him—”

“It’s not your fault,” Harry interrupted. His voice was flat. He didn’t want her to continue. But he had to know. Needed to know. Because very honestly, Harry was going to kill him for hurting her.

She swallowed loud enough for Harry to hear, and she took a deep breath. “I told him I didn’t want to have sex,” she whispered very softly. “He said I was a waste of his time. All this time he could have been with,” she shook her head. “Three, four other girls. Not wasting months on someone that didn’t want to sleep with him,” she pressed her forehead against the top of his chest. “I felt so stupid,” her voice was so thin it was hard for Harry to hear her. He cupped the back of her neck and kissed her forehead. He hoped it was encouraging. So she would keep talking if she wanted. “I thought he liked me. I thought that maybe I wouldn’t get that earth stopping love my parents had, but maybe I would find a guy and we would grow to love each other like that. I know in hindsight that’s stupid to think at seventeen, but it was the only thing that made sense at the time.” Harry remained silent. “I walked home,” she whispered. “My mom just knew. She asked me a thousand questions if he hurt me. I told her he didn’t, but I think part of her still believes that I lied to her—”

“Y’did, kitten. He did hurt you.”

“He didn’t—”

“Love he broke your heart and your trust. He hurt you,” he said simply. “He’s an ass. An idiot. He should be in jail just for breaking your heart,” he promised. It felt so unbelievable that she had never been in love. He wanted to know more about the guy from her biology class, but he couldn't believe that someone so perfect to him hadn't been in love. “S’no wonder y’mum kept asking. Y’mum knows he hurt you. Y’jus’ pretended he didn’t so y’could protect your heart, love,” he explained. She was silent for a minute. Harry could feel her foot impatiently shifting between the covers, near the bottom of his legs and he continued waiting while she processed this information. “Have y’ever told anyone ‘bout this?” He asked quietly.

She shook her head. “It wasn’t...a huge deal,” she shrugged.

He was silent for another long moment, trying to control his anger. If he had his address, Harry was certain he would do something drastic “M’sorry y’feel like y’have t’minimize your feelings. You shouldn’t do that. Please don’t do that around me,” he murmured.

“Harry,” she sighed and pressed her forehead against his. “Where did you come from?” She asked. “Guys in college don’t... You can’t possibly be real.”

He smirked sadly. “I told you, I’ve been waiting a really long time for you,” he kissed her forehead, her eyelids, the bridge of her nose, and her cheeks.

“Harry,” she said softly.

“Yes, kitten?” he was so happy to have her so close to him. None of his daydreams during their walks or math lectures compared at all.

“It’s not going to bother you if—”

“M’sorry t’interrupt, love. But, don’t bother finishing that question. M’gonna take care of your heart. That’s it,” he promised and gave her another gentle squeeze. “Go t’sleep,” he murmured.

For a while it was so quiet, it barely sounded like she was breathing. “Thank you,” her voice was so soft he hardly heard her. As he drifted off with surely the love his life in his arms, part of him thought she wasn’t speaking to him at all.

*

In the morning, her alarm went off pulling Harry from his dream state. Surely having her in his arms was still a dream, though. He yawned, stretching, and turning to her as she looked nervously. “Sorry, I didn’t know it would be that loud.”

He smiled. “S’okay. Can I make y’breakfast before you go?”

“Oh, no thank you. I’m good.”

“Jus’ lemme get dressed and I’ll drive you.”

“That’s unnecessary,” she promised.

He smiled and kissed her forehead. “S’too bad,” he shrugged, rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he returned, she passed him to get dressed in the bathroom and Harry quickly stripped himself of his pants so if she was finished in the bathroom shortly, he wouldn’t embarrass her by being naked from the waist down.

She did catch him with his shirt off, making her cheeks turn the lightest shade of red. Harry smirked tugging his shirt over his head. “Sorry,” she murmured and grabbed her bag to shove her clothes inside it. “Er...I was thinking, by the time I get out, it will be colder...and I don’t have the right coat to walk home. Could you drop me off at my car?” She asked.

Harry tilted his head at her. “I’ll jus’ pick y’up, kitten,” he could see her mulling this over in her head. There was a bit of worry in her eye. Fear of putting Harry out, he was sure. “Love,” he smiled sweetly. “M’picking y’up,” he promised. “More time t’spend with you.”

“You are...” she smiled shaking her head. “Something else, Harry Styles.”

*

Hey, kitten. Missing you. Hope you’re having a good day xx

Hi! I’m good. Busy with work and studying. Hope your day is good too!

It’s pretty good. Heading to the mechanic. Cars are the worst 😔 Work later. Wish I could see you 😭

At least there’s no class tomorrow

I’d rather have class just to see you xx

That’s really sweet 🥰 Maybe we should meet up during class time anyway?

You’re a genius, love 😘 absolutely. I’ll meet you after your class.

Sounds perfect!

*

Harry felt shameful. It was a bad week and Thursday was supposed to be a good day after all since they agreed to meet up despite not having class. Well... it was bad aside from math class and studying. Two things he never thought he would say out loud or even think in the privacy of his own thoughts. It was also good because she said yes to a date—a real date.

After their night together over a week ago and a busy schedule on both parts, this was supposed to be their first official date the coming Saturday. He had it all planned out. A fancy restaurant that he made a reservation for in the city. They would take the train in to save them the nightmare of parking. He asked her on Tuesday after class and he didn’t think he would ever forget her beautiful smile when she said yes. It felt like he won the lottery.

But Harry’s car had other plans. He took it in for a routine oil change the night before. During breakfast, he got the call. He needed new tires and new brakes. He knew about the brakes, but he thought he could wait until spring to get new tires—just get through the winter. The mechanic was insistent.

He felt awful as he walked with her on Thursday to study in the library. She was bubbly with excitement for the last week. About him. It was too good to be true. Of course, something had to go wrong. He felt terrible that he was going to have to cancel. “Hey, love?” He asked.

She was rambling about something. Harry wished he had tuned in more to know what and felt bad seeing her excitement waver. “Yeah?”

“Uh...” he sighed and gestured to the bench along the sidewalk. “I have t’ask y’to reschedule our date,” he looked so miserable. Her heart felt so sad seeing how upset he was.

“Oh,” she frowned. The excitement in her eyes was officially dead. Harry felt horrible. “Yeah... of course! Of course, we can. Is... are you okay?”

“I jus’ feel so awful,” he mumbled. “Asking t’reschedule.”

“Oh,” she felt her face wrinkle in confusion. She placed a hand on his bouncing knee trying to help the anxiety he felt. “That’s... that’s okay. Is everything alright? Like, is your family okay or is it a doctor’s appointment?”

Harry thought he was going to cry. “Uh... s’a little embarrassing,” he admitted rubbing his hand on the back of his head. He couldn’t look at her.

“More or less than me getting lost on my first day of class as a twenty-one-year-old?”

He smirked. “S’nothing,” he promised.

“I... I hate to ask this because it makes me sound so insecure... but is it something I did? Or did someone say something about me and now you don’t like me—”

“Jesus,” he shook his head and pulled her toward him quick. He kissed the top of her head, his arm draping around her shoulders. If there was any question of them being an item, Harry certainly squashed them all in front of everyone walking by. Being broke wasn’t as awful as listening to her feelings of inadequacy. “No, no,” he sighed heavily. “God, no, kitten. S’nothing you did. You’re... you’re perfect,” he gazed down to meet her gaze. “M’so embarrassed... I had a pretty expensive car repair t’take care of... so m’over m’budget for the month. I didn’t know at the time—”

“Oh,” she blinked and shook her head. “Oh... that’s okay. We don’t have to go to that restaurant,” she shrugged. “I mean... if you don’t want to go out, of course. But... I don’t need a fancy restaurant.”

His heart jumped to his throat. “Really?” He sighed with relief. “Kitten, I don’t want t’wait any longer t’take you on a proper date... would you want to have a picnic or something? I know that’s lame. S’not a proper date because y’deserve so much more but...m’not making sense, I know—m’jus’ really overwhelmed and—”

She put a gloved hand on the side of his face and smiled. Harry thought that he would see her eyes in every one of his dreams. In his head. Every time he closed his eyes. “I would love a proper picnic date,” Harry swore her smile was made of stardust. Or maybe snowflakes. “Will it be too cold though? We could have an indoor picnic.”

“I’ll make sure you’re warm,” he promised.

*

She picked Harry up and drove them to where he said. He filled her car with a whole bunch of supplies, food, and drinks. He told her to dress warm and she looked like she was ready to hike. Boots, warm thick socks, a big sweatshirt. She looked so cozy and warm. Once they got to the little place Harry had found when he first made it to college, he requested she wait in the car while he set everything up. “Don’t look, yeah?” He smiled.

She nodded and made herself busy looking at her phone. But after the third trip to the car, Harry could tell she felt bad. “Are you sure you don’t need help?”

“Stay put,” he insisted. After a few more minutes, Harry was at her car door. He was grinning like an idiot as he opened her door. “After you, kitten.”

There was a massive blanket laid on the grass. Along the edges there were little twinkling lights that he hoped made it feel like something out of a movie. Harry’s heart was thudding in his chest. A cooler with drinks and another with food was on one corner of the blanket. Finally, a tiny, portable space heater from camping with Mitch was directed at the blanket. She giggled. “Harry,” she sighed. “This is better than a fancy restaurant," he shook his head with a smirk.

“You’re still getting a fancy dinner, but I couldn’t wait any longer.”

She bit her lip and laid across the blanket gazing up. “This place is so pretty,” she whispered. “Look how nice the sky looks.”

It was getting chillier by the minute with the sun getting lower in the sky. Harry hoped to stay an hour or two but with the slight breeze he worried she would freeze. But the way she laid across the blanket made her look like a goddess. She belonged to nature. He knelt on the blanket beside her and grabbed the food he had planned. She rolled onto her stomach and then to a half-kneeling, half-sitting position. Harry brought sandwiches delighted by her request that her favorite sandwich was peanut butter and strawberry jam. They ate quietly for a bit and Harry poured cans of the sparkling wines he had in his fridge (he thought they might be Sarah’s, but he wanted something classier than beer or seltzers for their first real date).

The sky was pink and purple again after they finished their sandwiches and two glasses of sparkling wine. Harry baked cookies before she came to get him. They nibbled on those while chatting but mostly he just enjoyed her company and how happy she was to just be there with him. It seemed like she really didn’t need a fancy restaurant—even if he thought she deserved it more than all the rest.

When they finished snacking, Harry put the coolers back in the car and laid beside her gazing up at the sky. He pulled the corner of the huge blanket up over her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. “I could lay here forever,” he murmured.

“Me too,” she nuzzled herself closer to his warm jacket. He kissed the top of her head.

“M’sorry this is the lamest first date,” he grumbled still feeling the bits of inadequacy of what he wanted to give her because she deserved the best and not a single thing less.

“No way,” she shook her head. “This is so nice, Harry. I’m warm and cozy. I’m not worried about my dress looking right or spilling something on it. I don’t have to worry about which fork to use. There’s no one around to interrupt or stare at us...” she sighed. “It’s literally the best first date,” she promised.

“Stare at us?” He repeated.

“Surely you see everyone eyeing us every time we walk to class.”

He frowned. “I didn’t know,” he mumbled.

She tilted her head to meet his gaze. She looked genuinely surprised. “Hmm,” she hummed. “I’m not used to people staring at me,” she smiled teasingly. “You probably just tune it all out.”

He chuckled, rolling his eyes at her as he flicked her gently on the side of the head. “I only care when you’re staring,” he brushed his finger across her cheek. “S’like the only thing that matters now.”

“This is crazy, isn’t it?” She whispered.

“What?”

“Falling so hard?”

“Didn’t know y’were falling so hard,” he chuckled. She smacked his chest.

“Shut up,” she tucked her face into his side. He cupped the side of her face.

“I fell so hard, love,” he promised. “Fell so. Very. Hard.”

Harry thought about getting her back soon. It was getting colder by the second. But the sky was this multitude of sunset colors that made him never want to leave. He only wanted to exist right beside her in this little meadow of peacefulness and never let go of her.

--

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[rusted-fairy-wings]

"So much has changed, yet some things remain the same" (Ninjago Oneshot)

I found myself really craving some angst and Lloyd coming to terms with growing up so fast, so I wrote a short piece taking place a couple days after "Child's Play". I hope whoever reads it enjoys :) (Heavy emphasis on the Kai/Lloyd brother dynamic and found family because it's peak)

So much has changed, yet some things remain the same:

Steam rose from the bowls filled to the brim with hot noodle soup. A lingering smell of herbs and chicken hung in the air. The fire crackled softly in the background. The light and warmth this fire offered bathed those who sat at the table in its comfort. Yet, a somber mood hung in the air. All were seated at the table that night—five people who had trained and fought together, five people who would do anything to keep each other safe, four ninja and one samurai. Despite the warm food and fire, the somber mood remained, for there was one missing from the table.

At first nobody spoke. It had been like this for a while now. “He needs time and space to get used to this” they had all agreed. But now that a couple days had passed, the silence was deafening. The sixth among them had only emerged from his room to grab food when he thought the others couldn’t see, food which he took to his room and ate alone. 

Finally, the samurai broke the silence when she stated firmly, “Somebody needs to say it. What are we going to do about Lloyd?”

Cole’s shoulders slumped in relief at not being the one to start the conversation when he quickly agreed, “Nya’s right. It’s not like him. He always used to help me or Zane in the kitchen when either of us cooked. I tried to offer, but he didn’t even answer when I asked outside his door.”

Zane nodded at this, saying, “He has found helping me or Cole in the kitchen enjoyable since his arrival. It is… strange to cook alone now.”

Stirring his soup and not looking at anyone in particular as he spoke, Jay added, “He hasn’t even played video games with me. He was so convinced that he’d beat my high scores some day—not like that would happen—but now he doesn’t try anymore.”

“Everything is strange now. We need to help him,” Nya sighed. “He hasn’t spent time with me either… not with any of us.  I just—we’re all that he has. Sensei has been away, and that means the people at this table are the only ones who can help him.” There was one ninja who hadn’t spoken at the table. Cole and Nya both gave him confused glances. Usually the fire ninja always spoke his mind. Usually, if he had an opinion, they all knew about it. Usually, he was the one of the fastest eaters at the table, but tonight his bowl looked as if it hadn’t been touched.

Kai finally glanced up, not having so much as looked at the others the whole meal. 

“What are your thoughts, Kai?” Zane asked. “We all know you and Lloyd have a stronger connection.”

And it was that stronger connection that had kept Kai quieter than ever before, quieter since Lloyd had retired to his room and not come out. His stomach churned with worry in a way it hadn’t since Nya had been kidnapped. He wasn’t sure when it had happened—when babysitting Lloyd had turned to spending time with Lloyd, when dealing with Lloyd had turned to helping Lloyd, when being stuck with Lloyd had turned to being there for Lloyd. But it had. Training him and watching over him had gone from a chore he dreaded to moments he cherished. 

Kai stood up, knowing he was too nauseous to eat the meal Cole had worked so hard on as he said, “I’ll go talk to him. We’ve given him time, but my sister is right. We should do something.”

“Do you desire us to accompany you?” Zane asked as Kai passed his bowl to Cole who immediately began to eat from it.

“No, I’ll go on my own.” Kai answered firmly. “Maybe I can help him.”

“If you’re sure, Buddy,” Jay said with a shrug. “But if you do change your mind, we got yours and Lloyd’s backs.”

Kai nodded and left the others, walking down the quiet hall. He walked to one door in particular, one he’d knocked upon many times to remind a reluctant Lloyd that yes it was time for training again because yes he had to do it every day. But there’d been none of that lately.

Kai knocked loudly, and of course the boy behind the door didn’t answer.

“Lloyd!” Kai shouted. “I know you’re in there. Open the door. I need to talk to you.”

There was silence. Kai stood there for a few moments, and just as he was about to knock more forcefully, he heard a voice he hadn’t in days.

“It’s unlocked.”

The door creaked open to a gloomy, dim room. A worried pang punched Kai in the gut when he saw Lloyd sitting there, his shoulders hunched, his back to him, on the edge of his bed. His hair was greasy and disheveled, not unlike how it had looked when they first took him in. Even without seeing his face, Kai could sense the gloom radiating off him.

And of course, it was jarring to see Lloyd at all. He was so much taller. His hair was longer and had developed a slight waviness. All his baby fat had melted away. 

Kai walked the short distance across the room and sat next to Lloyd who had no reaction to this at all. When Kai glimpsed his face, his green eyes were dim with pronounced dark circles beneath them. 

“You gonna talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Lloyd replied, his voice deeper than Kai was accustomed to. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Kai rolled his eyes and said, “Now you’re just lying, Lloyd. Come on.”

Lloyd finally looked at Kai when he repeated, “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m just getting used to—” he gestured down at himself and said, “This.”

Kai opened his mouth to speak, but Lloyd cut him off when he continued, his voice strained, “It was my choice. I chose this. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m just older. It’s fine.”

“Listen to me, Kid,” Kai said, his words harsh but his touch gentle when he set his hand on Lloyd’s shoulder. “You may have chosen to use that tea. But that wasn’t a real choice, Lloyd. We were going to die if you didn’t. You were saving all of us. You were making the only choice you thought we’d survive. It’s not a choice you would’ve ever made if our lives weren’t in jeopardy.”

Lloyd’s hand gripped the blanket he sat upon as Kai looked at him, a boy now appearing only a couple years younger than him who had been a little kid mere days ago. 

“I just—it doesn’t matter. I’m the green ninja. I have to be strong if I’m going to face my dad one day. I’m grown up now… I need to train harder than ever. I need to face the facts and not think about it.”

“Because you’ve been doing just that right? Training like crazy? Eating enough to keep yourself strong? Not thinking about what happened?”

Lloyd’s eyes welled up with tears that he desperately tried to blink away.

“Let it out, Lloyd. I think most people would if they were in your situation.”

“No, I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t cry,” he answered, his voice tight, the words forced.

Kai looked him in the eyes and said, “Lloyd, you were nine two days ago. You sacrificed years of childhood and being a kid you won’t ever get back. It’s okay to cry.”

“I’m too old for that,” Lloyd whispered.

But then the tears began to fall, and his whole body shook with the force of his sobbing. Without hesitation, Kai hugged him as tight as he could, not caring for the tears soaking his uniform.

“No, you’re not, Lloyd. When my sister was kidnapped and I first became a ninja… that night I cried harder than I probably ever had. The others didn’t hear or see—I barely knew them then, so I hid it. But I was worried sick about Nya. All I wanted was for her to have never been taken, to be back in our father’s shop, for things to be normal. Even the strongest ninja cries.”

Neither of them spoke for several minutes as Lloyd let out all the emotions he’d been forcing down in the name of growing up. And even though Lloyd was now so much closer to his age, Kai still let him hug him as tightly as he had when he was a kid.

“See, tell me I’m right. Feels better, huh?”

Lloyd nodded slowly, wiping his eyes as he broke the hug.

“I’m just… in the moment I didn’t think about what would actually happen to me. That monster had us cornered, and… I could finally help you guys like you helped me. You gave me a home—I haven’t really had one before.”

“Kid, so long as the others and I have a roof over us to offer, we’ll give it to you. I promise.”

Lloyd didn’t speak, but his eyes were full of such genuine gratitude it tugged at Kai’s heartstrings. He couldn’t believe how much he’d hated this kid, how much his presence had annoyed him. 

After a long pause, Lloyd hesitantly asked, “Kai?”

“Yeah, Kid?”

“What do I even do now?”

“What do you mean?”

The green ninja glanced away from Kai as he stared at the wooden floor beneath him, not quite able to articulate his thoughts and feelings. Kai waited several moments for him to speak, setting his hand on his shoulder in reassurance. 

“I–I don’t understand what to do besides train. I’m not a kid, so I can’t do kid stuff like read my comics or have my favorite food be candy or–”

Kai interrupted harshly, “Of course you can! It’s not like your Sensei’s age, Lloyd.”

“But you and Nya and everyone seem so… mature and responsible. Now that I’m like you guys, I need to be like that too.”

Kai couldn’t help but chuckle. Lloyd glared at him.

“Look, Lloyd,” Kai said with a grin. “There’s a lot you haven’t seen or noticed because we were trying to set a good example for you, or sometimes you just weren’t paying attention. Like when you got close to beating Jay in his favorite game, you didn’t hear Jay ranting about it after or notice how overly competitive he got. And you think you’ve got a sweet tooth with candy? You should see how Cole acts around cake. Don’t tell her I told you, but Nya still has all her childhood stuffies under her bed. And you haven’t ever seen Zane’s funny switch, but even he has it in him.”

Lloyd laughed and asked, “Zane has a what?”

“We’ll show you sometime,” Kai answered, still grinning ear to ear. 

“It’s just that… you guys seemed so serious when we trained.”

“Because that’s what you needed, Lloyd. And we needed you to take us seriously as your mentors.”

But just as swiftly as it had come, Lloyd’s smile faded.

“What is it?”

Lloyd glanced at Kai uncertainly, fidgeting with the hem of his black shirt as he asked, “Promise you won’t laugh at me?”

Kai nodded.

“I–” Lloyd began hesitantly, then pausing for a second. “Now that things are different… I mean, I know I’m not a kid anymore, but… will you and everyone else still… I don’t know. Train me? Help me?”

Kai raised an eyebrow and answered, “That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever asked me. Of course we will. Why wouldn’t we?”

“It’s just that now that I’m older, maybe I’m not supposed to need it. But I'm not ready, Kai. I’m not ready to face my father, and… I still need you. Not just to train me. Kai, you’ve been helping me so much… you’ve spent so much time with me and looked after me. Nobody’s done that for me before. And—” his eyes welled up with tears once more. “I’m not ready to let it go.”

Shocked that Lloyd would ever have such a thought, Kai nearly snapped out the words, “Lloyd, I will always be there for you. I swear it. Growing up doesn’t mean we stop needing the people around us… sometimes we need them even more. That’s how family is, Lloyd. You never stop needing each other in your lives. What that looks like may change, but those bonds remain. You’re my brother now, Lloyd. I will never leave you, and I will be here for you as long as you want me to be.”

“Do you really mean that?” the younger ninja whispered, a few stray tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Of course I do,” Kai answered fiercely. 

Lloyd hugged him tightly again, tighter than ever before and said softly, “Thank you.”

“No need for that, Kid. I love ya.”

“I love you too.”

And after a few minutes had passed, and the younger brother had regained his composure, Kai said, “Now quit moping in your room. We’ve all missed you. Come eat dinner with us before you waste away completely.”

Lloyd managed a smile and nodded.

Victorious and a little smug, Kai led the young green ninja to the dining room. And everyone there grinned when they saw him finally emerge again.

Cole got up and spooned a large bowl full of the soup for Lloyd as he and Kai sat at the table. 

And as the green ninja sat there, hearing everyone sound so genuinely happy to see him, he couldn’t help but grin broadly. He mouthed a thank you to Kai who ruffled his hair affectionately. 

Although so much was different now, a new life and joy encompassed them that night. The green ninja spent time with his family late into the night. Lloyd helped Zane with the dishes and couldn’t help but laugh when he noticed Cole shoveling leftover cake into his mouth as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks. When he and Jay played games, he didn’t hesitate to pettily argue and banter with him as they both tried to best the other. Nya rolled her eyes at this, but her affectionate smile revealed it all. And after dinner and cleaning up and video games, Lloyd sat next to Kai on the couch as he and the others talked for hours. 

And that night, Lloyd went to bed perhaps the most content he’d ever been, the last thought before he fell asleep echoing in his mind:

I finally belong.

[quimichi]

hello!! new anon here, (may i please be 🌱 anon?)

I was hoping to get a fic on something like "cuddling with genshin girls" idrc how old they are, just pure fluff though!!! also, may it be with Creator!y/n? If so thank you!!

[always remember that this shouldn't ever start to feel like a chore! (its meant to be enjoyable!)]

-

☆

🌱

❛ CUDDLING SOME GENSHIN GIRLS ༉‧₊˚

Genshin girls x Creator!Reader

Shenhe, Xinyan, Rosaria, Mona & Lynette

A/n: You didn't specifically say who you want, so I used a random character generator on this one! Maybe I'll do more of these in the future!

Shenhe - Mind be purged, world be saved

You feel her body leaning into yours, her breathing slowly slowing down. Her heart still thunders against her chest, but her mind isn't racing anymore. She is relaxed, and completely in the moment.

For the first time in a long time, she is not worrying about the future or her past. She is safe in your arms, and happy as she can be.Your hands running through her snow white hair brings a comforting sense to Shenhe. Her body relaxes even more into you, her head resting against your chest, letting out a relieved sigh.

Her breathing grows even more quiet than before, her eyes closing in content. She has not been this comfortable in a very, very long time. "Enjyoing yourself?" Shenhe lets out a soft and breathy 'yes' sound as she answers you, her head nuzzling deeper into your chest in response. "Mhm," she answers quietly. Her words are little more than a whisper, her voice muffled from where her face is pressed against you. Shenhe moves to rest her head on your shoulder, her hair gently sifting through your fingers.

She does not speak. She simply exists in this moment with you. And in this moment, his mind is quiet and content.

This is where she feels most home.

Xinyan - If there's fire in your soul, you gotta rock 'n' roll.

Your body against her is warm and tender, like a nest of blankets. She buries his head into you, wanting your comfort. Her whole body feels lighter now and she is eager to spend every moment wrapped around you.

She doesn't care to move— not so long as you remain with her. You are her home, her only desire in any moment, and he will take hold of you in her embrace no matter how long it lasts. She is safe here. She is home. You are her world.

Her words are quiet, she's rambling about her day, about how she had to fight tons and tons of cyro slimes today. You can hear the excitement in her voice, the proudness as she talks and talks and talks. You may not be able to make out every word, but you can sense her joy in telling you. She just wants you to be proud of her. She wants you to know how much her days would be nothing without you. Saying if you'd be there, all those slimes would've been gone in a mere second. So, no matter what, she tries her best.

She leans her head against yours, and nuzzles against your neck. Her fingers run through your hair in affection.

Besides music, you are her favorite topic.

Rosari - Do not fear your past, and do not be scared to come to grips with it

Rosaria can hardly remember what life was like before you. Before she’d known your touch. Your warm embrace, the comfort of your presence. When she holds you close, all the troubles of the world vanish for a single, precious moment. The memory of you lingers in the air around her like a perfume. Your breath on her neck, your fingers in her hair. Your heartbeat against her chest.

She breathes your name; a sound like a prayer, a plea. “My love.”

"Yes" you answer, eyes closed as you both hold each other. You're enjoying it just as much. "Stay with me." There is a softness in Rosarias words, a quiet plea that she doesn’t think he can survive being apart from you. She doesn't often say things like these, you're not even sure if she ever had asked you for something like this. But you aren't complaining.

"Please," she urges gently, hand rising to caress your cheek. "Don’t leave me alone."

"Never" Rosaria wraps her arms tightly around you once more. She is a woman made of stone and steel, but when confronted with your love, she becomes like a girl. A girl who has just been told that she is loved back.

"I love you." She whispers, eyes closed, face buried in the crook of your neck. "I don't know what I'd do if I did not have you at my side."

She breathes, then, "You… make me whole."

Mona - Fate is called as such, for it cannot be changed, nor can it be reversed. It can only but be accepted.

She breathes in, her body trembling in your arms. She is still in a way that you would never suspect, but her soul? Your fingers, your touch, your voice? It's as if they've been her guiding light in a galaxy of millions of stars. "Your touch," she breathes, her eyes still shut. "Yours," she whispers, almost to herself, breath soft against your shoulder as she nuzzles into your neck.

"I have so badly wished to feel it."

"You like it this much in my arms?" Mona nods, breath catching as a faint blush appears on her cheeks when you speak. Just now she realized how blod she actually was. "I am content." There's a smile that blooms on her lips when she finally opens his eyes. She is close to you now; your hands can feel the rise and fall of her breath underneath your fingers.

Mona’s body presses closer against yours, seeking comfort in the warmth of your body. The faint blush on her cheeks has only grown more intense as she stares at you, unmoving, her eyes searching your face, studying every inch of it once more with a deep reverence. As if she had never studied it in the first place.

"When I look at you," Her voice is a whisper. "What I feel… it is much more than content." And look at her now, hiding her face in your neck to stop your burning gaze upon her blushing face.

Lynette - Staying silent is beneficial for maintaining focus and gathering intelligence

She leans into you, the tension leaving her body, and her mind becomes clouded with the warmness of your embrace.

When Lynette's introverted personality acts up, she becomes distant and cold to most others. But with you, she wants to be close and intimate; she craves your presence and attention, needing the warmth of your touch. If anyone has the power to melt Lynette's seemingly icy facade, it's you. Lynette's lips tug up at the corner, and she smiles softly, her eyes fluttering closed with a pleasant flush. She can almost feel how she drifts off to sleep soon.

She takes a deep breath and looks up at you, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"Can we...have tea after this?" "Of course" You're softly stroking her ears, careful not to be to rough, after all her ears are sensitive. In your arms, Lynette feels safe. It's a foreign feeling to her. When she's in your company, she feels his tension slowly ease; her breath is no longer heavy, but calm and even.

With you, she doesn't have to put up a front— he doesn't need her usual 'facade'. Lynette is content to simply remain in your arms, her face buried in your chest, and her eyes closed in absolute comfort. After all she's a cat, it's no wonder she started purring in your arms

[doll3tt33]

Unnecessarily lengthy ramble abt losing interest and moving on with a new acc + last few bot/fic ideas I might post (feel free to ignore idkidk)

I’ve been having a hectic week regarding academic stuff so I have the worst brain fog rn, and I have a feeling I should unwind a couple more days before writing this but I honestly don’t care atp 😭😭

Basically, as you can see with the title, I’m losing interest in AHS, evan peters, his characters - all that. Besides Colin Zabel (he’s still my husband fr), creating content for everything else feels like a real chore now, whilst back then it was truly enjoyable and exciting.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing and making bots, like this stuff is basically for life lol. But nowadays, it feels like I’m simply utilizing the evans as tools to write out the tropes I enjoy, rather than actually experiencing a desire to write FOR the characters like I used to ((which still can be gratifying in its own respective way… until a certain motivating factor begins to lack, if that makes sense??

It really sucks cuz I chalked it up to me being burned out, when in reality my attraction was clearly just plummeting as we speak 😔. What’s worse is that I’m really comfortable in this fandom - like I have super cool moots here, there’s no drama, there’s a bunch of evan characters for everybody 😂, and I gained over 500 followers, which is still crazy to me! I tried to “prolong” my interest for the sake of all this progress, but I think the inevitable has arrived and I can no longer keep up, my resolve is crumbling y’all 😭😭😭

I was hoping to wait until the Tron movie comes out in 2025, cuz maybe seeing Evan in there would reignite some of ✨la passion✨ within me, however I don’t feel like hanging around anymore, since I no longer relate to the fandom. I feel so out of place now, like a fRaUD 😩 ((I’ll still most likely watch it, but until then we’ll see

And to clarify, I will most likely NOT post and interact as frequently as I used to anymore. I’m not deleting this account, though I am going to make a new account to post The Boys content, as I want a fresh clean slate to start new.

Before I do go, I might drop a bot or two, maybe even a fic in the near future since they’re halfway done and I did NOT use all that effort for nothing 😭💀:

- corrupt cop!Colin Zabel ((most likely will make this next…. For personal reasons 😳

- a standard pre-cult Kai bot ((not brown hair pre-cult Kai, the recently dyed blue hair one iykwim. sorry

- as for fics, I’ll most likely post a very short smut when Kyle goes down on reader, cuz why not 😏

- might finish the older!grumpy neighbor!kit I talked about before since I’m halfway done

- not sure about this but I have a really random JPM fic where reader (accidentally but also not so accidentally) killed their spouse and they have no one to call but him for help ((heavily based off the tv show Fargo, the first season

No promises tho! I might occasionally come back to post if some random ideas for the evans come up, and ofc for Colin cuz he’s still the loml, no debate <3

[aectpen]

𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 ❆ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐍

m.list

pairing: sunghoon x ex figure skater->idol!fem oc

synopsis: 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧'𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐲 𝐤𝐩𝐨𝐩 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐩, 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐨, 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐇𝐘𝐁𝐄.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬, 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬.

chapter one: prologue

with chaerin and sunghoon finishing up their routine at practice, the only sound heard is their blades gliding across the smooth ice. the two worked together like oreos and milk. their coach always said that they were a package deal. they complemented each other so well that it was almost fate that they were partners.

"sunghoon, that was the best we've ever done." chaerin handed him his water bottle. she was always extra proud and showered sunghoon with complements.

he only nodded but something didn't feel quite right to chaerin. like he was hesitating. sunghoon was usually talkative after practice and very boastful. he always said that he would become the best male figure skater to come out of south korea.

"is there something wrong?" she could always tell when he was holding back something. it was usually when he would have fresh gossip from his school.

sunghoon takes a deep breath. "this is my last day."

"yeah sure. you play too much." she chuckled and brushed it off as a joke, continuing to take off her ice skates.

"I'm sorry, chaerin." his voice sincere.

she stopped what she was doing and turned to face him. she tried to read his expression, all she could see was genuine apologetic eyes. she could feel her chest tighten.

"i really am sorry, chaerin. i don't know what else to say." he rubbed his face.

"we had plans, sunghoon! we're supposed to make it to the olympics. i don't understand." her tone a mix of anger, sadness and confusion.

"i wanted that for us too, but i got an opportunity. i could be an idol. i want to take it now before it's too late and i regret not pursuing it." he held this from her in fear of her reaction to the news.

chaerin stayed silent for a while before asking, "how long did you want to quit?"

"for a while now. i don't find enjoyment in it anymore. it's like a chore, not a hobby or passion."

each of his words were like tiny daggers, stabbing her heart one by one. she thought they were having fun together, all of those four years. her favorite part of her days was meeting sunghoon at practice and showing him her newest trick. he would always try to replicate it, and fail miserably.

she couldn't envision working with a new partner.

"sunghoon! mom said it's time to go!" his sister shouted from the entrance.

"you're really leaving, aren't you?"

he slowly rose from next to her. "i'm really sorry, chaerin. i hope you can understand. you will do great with or without me."

sunghoon walked away and never looked back. leaving chaerin alone in the crisp ice rink. her tears slid down her face like an icy waterfall.

she caressed the blue beaded bracelet around her wrist. her and sunghoon had made good luck bracelets together with their initials.

the ice rink, once a place of shared hopes and dreams, transformed into a desolate, depressing setting.

the moment sunghoon got up and walked away, chaerin fell out of love with ice skating.

[monsterkin-culture-is]

How do you know for sure if you have MD? I'm like, 99% sure I have it as I'm constantly daydreaming to the point it disrupts my life occasionally. But I'm just hesitant on that label as I don't know too much about it and don't know where to begin researching it.

Hiya Anon! I'm so sorry for the delay replying, unfortunately I only saw this whilst I was heading to college. This might end up a bit of a ramble but I'm going to at least attempt to organise it.

Diagnosis Talk:

MD is difficult in the fact that it's not a fully recognised disorder yet so there's no DSM-5 etc to use as a diagnostic guide.

Personally, I would consider it maladaptive once it's becoming a negative experience. This could look like: struggling to complete schoolwork/homework or chores because you can't stop daydreaming, losing time in your day-to-day life, losing information in class/meetings and becoming disconnected from/losing interest in your social life & family. In addition, it can also be the content of the daydreams becoming disturbing or causing you emotional distress when something negative happens in the plotline. That part isn't discussed as much but it's something I personally experience; e.g if a character dies in-story/scenario, I actually cry & genuinely grieve them for a while (sometimes a day, sometimes a fortnight for me). This isn't an exhaustive list nor is it a criteria where you need every single one, it's just what 'maladaptive' can look like.

The difference with immersive daydreaming is that it only happens when the person wants and it's purely for enjoyment.

There is an evaluative tool known as the MDS-16 (MDS meaning maladaptive daydreaming scale). I'll link this for you lower down in the research section!

When it comes to questioning, my #1 piece of advice would be don't stress. That's much easier said than done, but it's important to remember nothing will happen if you're wrong. If you mislabel it, no one is going to be upset. With maladaptive daydreaming, because it's unrecognised, there's even less pressure with self-diagnosis and there's no criteria you have to match. It's a label used to describe an experience. It's also important to remember that imposter syndrome is very common in all disorders & disabilities, physical and psychological, even after diagnosis.

Research Resources:

Eli Somer is the main researcher for Maladaptive Daydreaming and is the original creator of the term back in 2002. You can find some of his papers linked at the bottom of the Maladaptive Daydreaming Wikipedia Page as references (which I also recommend flicking through).

The MDS-16 is a self-assessment tool made by Somer & his associates. You can take it here on traumadissociation.com but other PDF versions are available on the internet. It has 16 questions and the result is the mean of your answers.

This is the official website for The International Consortium For Maladaptive Daydreaming Research. The ICMDR are an informal group of scientists conducting group research on MD. Their site hosts a lot of their research and resources to help you with MD.

The Parallel Lives Podcast is a great way to hear other people's experiences with MD (link leads to spotify).

Honestly I haven't read any papers on MD (I probably should) so don't worry about not doing enough research. I do recommend the MDS-16 especially though as it will help you reflect on the traits of MD you possess.

I hope some of this was helpful anon!! Feel free to send anymore questions you have through, hopefully I'll be able to respond a little quicker this time!! You're also welcome to talk about your experiences more. My DMs are open if you ever need to talk more privately. /gen /nf

[veikkoalen]

amalgamation/storytelling

scratch x reader; gender unspecified

word count: 311

author's note: vague 👍 god i hope it's understandable enough

on ao3

he didn't fucking like that. when stripped of control, even hobbies don't bring that much satisfaction. the thing – refusal to associate it with any human ties it had/used to have – snorted in the chair.

"savoring the feeling. being in control. blood..." – inhale, spit out, – "trickled down their chins, staining the white."

another blow to the jaw made him/it see white. stopped grinning long ago – tiring, not exactly enjoyable anymore. why the fuck would it even continue with all that? hated to admit – wake was far more thrilling: kicking back, squirming, running around his little cage he called new york. this? felt like punching a talking plushie with dying batteries.

dropped the head. dead? fuck, he hoped so. unclenched the fist, two fingers to the neck.

"glad for turning me into a clerk, honey?" – hands framing the face. the thing semi-conscious, smiling. wiped the blood from under the nose.

these 'sessions' dragged for longer with each loop – his goal, achieved each time. turning into a chore. oh how he strived for the corruption, to twist, break, stretch, tear this thing back when it was still human, still alive, obeying the rules of the hunt, loop. and now, wanting to dig his talons into anything but the flesh he has already learned by heart.

"scratch hated it," – barely heard, wheezing, lack of air, – "hated it, hated it, hated it, hated it for leading, giving in or up, voice growing with newly found rage and eager– ness, enjoying, following the script, reaching, melding, being one of the same! head jerking upwards, right in the eyes, the quote—"

hands lowering. mouth shut, good riddance.

"let's not spoil the ending, baby."

squeezing motion. period of time unspecified. kick. drop. scream. corner to corner. scream. untie the ropes. wipe blood from his/its face. discard. recite. rinse and repeat.

he fucking hates being connected.

[behindthewox]

Back to someone’s comment about WoX getting old, I just wanted to comment slightly. I’m someone who was on WoX for a little over 3 years, starting a few months into COVID as a young 13 year old. I can’t speak for everyone else but personally, WoX provided an escape where I could talk to like-minded people, improve my writing, and so much more. It started off as being something that I enjoyed, something was fun.

Things started to shift for me as my world started to move back into being more in-person yet I still stuck with WoX for a really long time, slowly gaining a small amount of jobs, ones that I mostly enjoyed.

But the biggest turning point for me was the whole thing that happened on WoP US. Additionally, I could see that WoX in general had been struggling for a while. Anyway, something just shifted for me after that situation and I became more and more hesitant and uncomfortable by the power dynamics of the sites.

It was also by this point that I realized that WoX was starting to become more of a chore for me — the jobs weren’t really enjoyable, so I let it all go a little less than a year ago. I can’t really speak to how things are with it now because I haven’t logged onto any sites in months but it seems like the chaos is very much still alive.

Anyway, there we go with the story that nobody asked for but I somehow felt compelled to share. If WoX isn’t fun anymore, then maybe consider letting it go. It’s supposed to be fun, not a real life stressful job, so if it’s just not serving you anymore, that’s okay.

//

[nikatyler]

Sims folks, especially my NSB enjoyers and among you the Ross enjoyers 🦇

I've been planning a big story for him and Caleb set just before the final generation. You may have heard me talk about it. Yeah so I have some news. Here's an excerpt (wip; and of course I already noticed something I'll change and it bothers me in the screenshot lol) for you and let's get into it.

So, it's a sims story, right, that I'm going to be posting on my simblr! I've been planning it maybe since 2021. It is to wrap up their whole thing, especially the breakup storyline (which still makes sense to me story wise but I know I only did it bc I was miserable and took it out on them)

Anyway! Problem is, I really don't feel like taking pictures for this story. At all. Just thinking about it takes all the joy out of working on it, which is why I still haven't finished writing it (well, it's part of the reason)

So here's my question.

Would you mind if it was mostly just written, with maybe only a few pictures taken? I know that when you say "sims story", you're expected to take many pictures, poses, set up scenes etc, but I just can't do that anymore. It sounds like such a chore.

To be fair, even back when I did sims stories a lot around like 2018, the "take the screenies" part was what I enjoyed the least 😅 I just wanna write about the little guys I made in the sims, I guess. Story pictures, nah. Imagine it 😅

[hawkeyedflame]

it's so interesting to me how my relationship to food radically changed when i went carnivore. i'm not talking about respecting the animal i'm eating (that's something i came to terms with as a young teenager), but my ability to listen to my body, eat only when i'm hungry, feel motivated to cook and genuinely enjoy the act of eating. these are all things i had not experienced prior to changing my diet. i ate when i was bored, hated cooking, and attained little to no enjoyment from eating itself. i viewed it as a necessary chore so that i wouldn't keel over and die. oftentimes i would delay cooking until my blood sugar was so fucked that i'd be on the verge of fainting (yes, i was prediabetic, and no, i am not anymore).

now i can hear my body when it's asking for nutrients and i get up and cook when it does. and i enjoy eating. genuinely. i never thought before that my relationship with food or eating was unhealthy, but it definitely was. it feels so much better this way. eating is an enjoyable part of my day now, when it never was before. just another thing i wasn't expecting but which turned out to be life-changing.

[kingofpolynya]

Burnout or love?

Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..

Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.

The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.

However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?

I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.

Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.

I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?

I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.

[kiwiwola]

What i like making

Ok. It's a Sunday, it's snow-raining, I did exactly one (1) chore, so I want to sit down and thing about what...I'm missing in my art-making.

I've managed to get out of the rust phase--the tea shop I found that opens late has made it easier to just plug in and do the thing more regularly, without having to battle the big "getting set up" (and getting distracted) obstacle I usually face. And I've been mostly focusing on doing studies, which also makes it easy to slip into the same brain mode each time and just go. But I feel like, now that I've gotten some of that rust off, I want to be able to use this non-rusted state to start drawing the things I want to draw. The things I haven't had time for.

Only...I can't seem to remember what that is. I look back in my sketchbooks, and I don't find any unfinished threads that I feel compelled to pick up again. That is, I think, what I would usually do in the past--find something I want to redraw, or an idea I want to expand upon or grow, and continue to flesh it out and create iterations on it. But there aren't a lot of those things I feel like doing anymore, at least not right now.

So I'm sitting down today to try and...look at the things I created before and not necessarily find things I want to continue or iterate, but to analyze what I enjoyed in the past, so I can figure out where I can nudge and direct my art-making now to make it enjoyable again, but for present me, who is different in interest, situation, and capacity than past me.

~

The first thing I would say that has always been really helpful for me is my...I'm not sure what to call them, me-as-a-fish-person-processing-life-and-existential-dread comics? They're not comics, and sometimes I don't draw a fish person anymore, but I've been doing them since...I think college now. They kinda sit somewhere between doodling and journaling. I talked with my therapist recently about how even though I don't always enjoy the process of making one, having made one helps put distance between myself and a difficult experience, or give form to feelings I don't easily know how to describe so I either stuff them down or let them run rampant. It's also kind of a low-stakes way to experiment with sequential story-telling, the "how do I arrange this so it shows what I want to show, and creates the feeling I want to share?" which is a sort of problem-solving I enjoy. There's a couple of old memories that have bubbled up in the last few days that I think I would like to do this with.

And i really like drawing fanart of characters I want to see more of, and imagine more of. I think I haven't done this lately because I haven't really watched/read/played anything lately. I like seeing and redrawing moments that imagine particular moments with more animation-esque expressiveness and reactivity. I think I've wanted to do this with some of the Chinese costume dramas I've been watching, but so much of it (the costumes, the poses, the backgrounds) is out of my wheelhouse I'm not sure how to get there. I've done a few studies that I haven't really liked, but maybe if I sat down and set about focusing on learning these parts more conscientiously (so not just sitting down and drawing a scene and going "I am studying all the things in this scene by drawing it," but focused on fabric and the costumes for awhile, focused on poses and landscapes specific to this genre for awhile) it wouldn't feel like I was failing each time, completing the study but without actually learning how to do the thing in a transferable way.

I like doing fanart of like, dumb goofy shit too--I think that's one of the things I loved back when I was actively watching/drawing Critical Role stuff, just drawing goofy-ass shit that made me laugh to hear or imagine. There's been some moments when I'm watching a game or art streamer, and I've wanted to draw just a goofy moment or comment. I feel like when the content of the stream isn't fictional though (like with a dnd game), that might be..kind of weird? Idk. I worry about there being a sort of parasocial element to that. Maybe that's one I'll keep in a physical sketchbook, then. And you know, the more I think of it, it may sound weird to just like..draw quotes and moments from a stream but it's really similar to how I took notes during lectures all throughout school tbh--I'd either draw alongside my notes, or draw stuff to emphasize certain quotes or ideas, or little historical figures or authors saying the points. Huh. Can't believe I never made this connection before.

I want to play around more freely with color, find what sorts of vibes different color palettes bring. And i want to discover this through exploration, and not by looking at a bunch of premade palettes, necessarily. I was noodling around in a new sketchbook yesterday with some markers, and thinking of what color to use or add, and the question "what does this need?" came up in my head a lot as I was thinking. And there is a big swirling pot of colors in my head. And I think "well the color I've used here is light and pale and cool--let's keep the palette cool. I will go with a blue, because it's muted enough to look like a green in the shade. And if put this purple over it, this purple is a bit closer to crimson than blue, and is more vivid, so it will look nice for patterning but also give a bit of a vein/living organism vibe. The green at the top I want to feel different, because it's a fabric--so it's a very bright green, slightly warmer, and the purple or blue can be used to create some dark parts, the way a satin ribbon has some very shiny parts but also holds a very lush dark in shaded parts sometimes."

When I use a premade/predecided palette, I find I miss out on this fun brainstorming/breadcrumbing process of...figuring out what particular color I want to add next based on both what I've put down so far and what feeling I'm trying to evoke or material/substance I'm trying to portray.

I think...those are some good nuggets to start with for now.

[resmarted]

declined an extra day of work so I could have two days off instead of one and the deep guilt of relaxing during the height of tourism weekend (decadence fest / labor day) consumes me. I need to organize my mcfricken house already but I'm always so tired once I finally get to spend any time here. I also rly need to put food in my damn fridge. also eating is still such a chore like when am I going to feel like forcing anything down other than beans and pb&js? I used to love to cook and eat and for the last nine months now I have to force it down so that I don't die or get too cranky. bluhhhh there is a less miserable version of me somewhere in here I just don't know when I will find her. I am actually a lot more pleasant irl but in writing I am always so intense and macabre. you know what it is, homies. also I do love doing readings and I wish I could do them more. busy weekends are the best bc you get to meet people from all over the world and they have the most interesting lives and they are each going through something so personal and real and giving them clarity feels really nice and I see myself in all of them but sometimes I see myself too much in them and need to hold back the tears until I can get home and sob hysterically. also I think I am just releasing a crazy amount of pain and I can't wait to get home to cry no matter where I am and I never used to be like this. I used to joke about being like this but I was never this big crybaby, possibly from having it instilled in me at a very young age to suck it the fuck up and deal with it but idk man. starting over in life from the bottom over and over again is nothing new to me but this time around it is truly from the very bottom with no one to lean on. people talk so much shit on me for the dumbest things like not having a car and it's just like uh I also don't have a family or a general support system or anyone I feel like I can trust so throw that in the mix while you're at it. the reason I don't have a car anymore is morbid the reason I exist is morbid everything is very disturbing and I want to give up like all the time. like literally all the time. everything is so hard and horrible and I am too scared to have any fun or enjoyment because what if the ground sinks below my feet the moment I do? I want to elope to verona with someone that loves me and i want the planet to heal in my hands and i wish very badly to wake up to a new reality but i keep finding myself in this groundhog day so i try to remain quiet and grateful. everything hurts my feelings all the time and I have to tell myself this is what I signed up for before coming to earth so that I can get through it. very tired of people saying I am meant to learn from these challenges to become stronger and wiser. would love a fucking break from being strong and wise. would love to be dumb and weak and ignorant to everything instead. jealous of anyone that is.

[banggyu0308]

ADAAAA!!! PLS I LOVED PRETTY EYES SOSOSO MUCH ???! T^T hhhh love their dynamic so much ugh ><

im so so proud of u for finishing up that piece, ik you mentioned struggling w productivity a bit! i forgot how enjoyable ur writing is to read 🥹

truly talented, ada<3 i also saw u mentioned not rlly wanting to be a writing blog anymore and i totally respect that, feeling that way is still valid,, don't want this to start to feel like a chore to u :( regardless still wanted to send love for the work you put in (not meant to pressure u 😭) and i think something you're really talented at is story-telling,, literally pwp is your genre !!! 🫡🫶

OH AND THAT ENDING WTF UM HELLO???!..........🧎 👁💧🫦💧👁

-🫧

AHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT AJKSBNWJHAB oh my goddddd yes their dynamic was so fun to write istg like taehyun who constantly switches between soft dom and hard dom, sub reader, and yeonjun who oversees the whole thing and who both the reader and taehyun ask if everything is okay TT

thats so sweet im fr blushing rn i cant wbshjedbhjdb the lack of motivation was fr kicking my ass but i got over it!!

it doesn't necessarily feel like a chore, and i was def in a mood that day- (no you're not pressuring me at all istg jabsjdhek) GAHHH IM GONNA CRY BUBBLES ALWAYS SENDS IN THE KINDEST THINGS JHBAHJBS pwp is very fun to write 🤭 🫶🏻

AHAHA STOPPP CAUSE I TALKED ABT THE END WITH CRYSTAL A BIT AND WE WERE JOKING ABT IT SO MUCH JHABSHJWBJS just beomgyu coming in and seeing y'all naked in bed with your tit in taehyun's mouth ;-; 🧍🏻

anyways, it means a lot that you enjoyed it and sent this in qhjabshjb hru doing today? 🥺

[mdshow-me-your-moves]

Idk what anybody likes talking about. Idk how to "grow up" when all that seems to mean is ignore the fact that you do not want to be here and be ok with having no fun for the rest of your life, and the little bits of enjoyment you are capable of having are behind a paywall, so you have to waste valuable time doing shit that doesn't matter at all, and actively holds humanity as a whole back, and the only thing you have time for is like a couple hours a week of one or two hobbies that feel like nothing anymore, and you can't even put your whole focus on them because you're exhausted and you have chores to do. Like what am I missing? Honestly, I'm asking for help or advice, or insight. Even before I was so negative, even on good days, people don't seem to want to talk to me, and when they do it's like "weather's nice and I watched a show," which I try to engage with, but the other person doesn't try to continue the conversation. And the longer this goes on, the less good days I have. Bro, I can't even seem to make friends online anywhere, I talk too weird or something? I'd never know, nobody tells me, they just drift away and hope I don't reach out. I'm happiest alone because I don't have to think of things to say, but I can tell it's not good for my mental health, so I try to make connections, but idk what to talk about. I don't think in words, I've lost so many of my memories. There's one person I enjoy talking to, but their an ex, and our communication is understandably limited. I'm not trying to be a doom and gloom edgelord, I want to find things to enjoy, but where do I look, what do I do, who do I talk to? I'm going to therapy, I talk to my coworkers, I try to interact and be funny on here, what does anyone want from me?