#tangentially nommy related

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Epilogue

Wordcount: 4.4 K

Summary: You can’t just bring two giant nagas into town, even the outskirts of town, and expect that nobody will notice.

Breakfast, repercussions, and departure.

Cowritten with @that-prey-lounge​!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

The two giant nagas woke at dawn, as was their habit. The others, unused to rising so early, remained asleep. Luckily for them, their scaled beds seemed perfectly content to be still and watch the little ones sleep. Remus gently stroked Patton’s hair, an extremely fond expression on his face.

Dee-Dee was the next to wake, stretched out over a few branches inside his tank. With a little yawn, he started to stir slowly, but jolted up at noticing the giant naga scent that had filled the house. He peered through the glass and soon spotted all three of his humans sleeping in the nest made out of the giant nagas’ coils.

They must have fallen asleep there since they couldn’t get to their bedrooms. Dee-Dee vaguely remembered Logan pulling him away from Patton at some point last night and putting him to bed in his tank instead. For his own safety, Logan had said, though Dee-Dee would have preferred to stay with Patton, to protect him.

Well, he would just have to go back to Patton again now. With that decided, Dee-Dee slithered up the ladder-like slope Logan had installed in the corner of his tank when they’d first gotten it, which allowed him to get in and out on his own.

A rumbling voice filled the air. “Hello, little one.” Dee-Dee blinked and peeked out over the rim of his tank. The red naga had turned, looking at him. “Sleep well?”

“As well as I could, with my humans in the coils of hungry giants,” Dee-Dee answered pointedly. He tugged on his capelet, adjusting it minutely.

The giant naga chuckled softly, while the other continued to pet Patton.

Dee-Dee huffed and lowered himself down to the table and then to the floor. It seemed he’d have to wake his humans up himself. He slithered across the floor, and froze when a shadow fell over him. He looked up to see the red naga — Roman, Dee-Dee recalled — looming over him.

“Where do you think you’re going? Hm?”

The micro naga couldn’t allow himself to be intimidated like this. He gave a fierce look up at the giant. “I’m going to get my human up so I can get some breakfast.”

“It’ll take ages for you to climb over to Patton, if you can even scale our tails.” Roman lazily draped his torso over the nearest bend of his tail. “Want a hand?”

“I can get him myself!” Dee-Dee determinedly slithered forward, but stopped short as he approached the nearest massive coil, thicker than he was long.

“Still don’t want that hand?”

“No!” Dee-Dee hissed softly. He reached out a hand, hesitating for a moment, and then pressed his fingers into a crack between two of Roman’s scales, trying to ignore how much larger than his hands each scale was. Using his grip for leverage, Dee-Dee pulled himself up an inch or so. He reached up with his other hand, feeling for another crack. As he felt around for some place to hold onto, his other hand slipped from where it had found purchase, and Dee-Dee landed back on the floor. He huffed in annoyance, readjusting his capelet once again.

Roman laid his stupidly big hand on the floor next to the micro naga. Dee-Dee glared at the offending appendage before glancing around for another option.

“C’mon, little noodle, I don’t bite.”

Dee-Dee still glared at Roman, but he did pull himself up onto his hand, climbing over fingers that were thicker than his entire body, and settled in his palm. “Bring me to Patton, and no grabbing!” he commanded.

“Yesssssir.” Roman teasingly flickered his tongue before carefully lifting Dee-Dee and moving him over their tails. Dee-Dee could not allow himself to be intimidated by the height. He was on a mission. He needed to get his human up.

“Oh em gee!” Remus suddenly loomed over Dee-Dee, who had to suppress a shudder. “He’s so liddle!”

“Yeah, so don’t bump me.” Roman glared at his twin.

“Right, can’t let Patton’s precious baby go ‘splat.’” Remus backed off and settled back down, resuming his petting of Patton.

Roman allowed himself a put-upon sigh before lowering his hand so his fingertips rested on Patton’s chest. Dee-Dee quickly slithered off. He brushed off his clothes once more, offended that those annoyingly big brutes had got their scent all over him. But at last he was where he wanted to be. “Patton. Patton, get up!”

Patton only mumbled softly, so Dee-Dee resorted to drastic measures. He slithered across Patton’s chest, up to his ear, and licked it, flicking his little tongue inside the ticklish opening.

Patton sat bolt upright, smacking his head against Remus’ palm in the process. “Ow!”

“Sorry.” Remus quickly pulled his hands back. “You okay?”

“’M fine.” Patton yawned, rubbing at his ear. “Dee-Dee, what was that for?”

“I’m hungry,” Dee-Dee said with a pout. “And I didn’t like this giant petting my human.” He wrapped his arms possessively around Patton’s neck as far as they could go and glared up at Remus, who only grinned back.

Patton gave him a fond pat on the back. “It’s okay, kiddo. We’re safe here.” He glanced around the nest of tails. Roman had started gently petting Logan instead, and Virgil lay tucked against a loop of Remus’s tail, arms and legs wrapped as far around it as he could reach. Patton yawned a bit. “I think I should make pancakes. What do you think, Dee-Dee?”

Dee-Dee relaxed with a smile. “I love pancakes.” He nuzzled Patton’s neck.

It was a slight struggle for Patton to get to his feet without upsetting Dee-Dee’s balance or stepping on a sensitive part of the twins, but he managed to get out of the impromptu nest without incident.

Patton stretched his legs and his arms out forward. “Could you wake the others? I’ll get started on breakfast.” He wandered into the kitchen, stifling another yawn. “Coffee first.”

Remus glanced at the sleeping humans. “Do we have to? They’re so cute all snuggled up.”

Roman heaved a sigh, and then gently poked Logan in the side. He didn’t react, so Roman did it again. Meanwhile, Remus pried Virgil off his tail, easily waking the young man.

Virgil scrambled for a second, trying to get to his feet, but he stumbled and fell right back into Remus’ hands.

“Morning.” The giant naga softly grinned and set Virgil on the couch cushion.

“Oh. Morning.” He blinked softly. “Sorry about intruding, we couldn’t get into the bedrooms.”

Remus waved him off. “It’s fine. I enjoyed cuddling, and you’re cute.”

By now, Roman managed to wake Logan, who grunted and crawled out of the nest.

“Well, good morning to you too, grumpus.”

“Logan normally doesn’t wake up well if he stays up late.” Virgil picked up the notebook left on the couch, glancing through the pages. “And looking at the details in these, he stayed up late.” He looked over at Logan, who was currently retrieving his glasses from the table to put them on his face. “I told you not to stay up too late,” Virgil scolded. “You promised not to.”

“I had the scale reference of not only multiple humans in their coils, but everyday furniture,” Logan pointed out. “It was an opportunity I simply could not pass up.”

Virgil gave him a Look. “Am I going to have to make you take a nap?”

“Virgil, you cannot force me to nap,” Logan answered, avoiding the question.

“I’ll get Patton to help me,” Virgil retorted. “If we both lie on top of you, we can probably hold you down.”

Logan frowned, then glanced towards the kitchen, from which the scent of coffee was beginning to emanate. He visibly perked up. “If you’ll excuse me.”

Virgil chuckled softly to himself before stretching. “That’s Logan.” He flipped a couple pages in the notebook. “Oh, wow. He’s just been a drawing machine.”

Remus leaned against the wall so he could look down over Virgil’s shoulder at the notebook, and he couldn’t help but be impressed. There was a lovely drawing of himself in the middle of eating prey. He softly touched his face, wondering if his scars really were that pronounced. Before he could ask Virgil that, however, his twin shoved at his coils.

“Hey, move.” Roman was trying to uncoil, but Remus had shifted and had too much weight on a part, so that they were tangled together.

It took a bit for them to uncoil from around each other, made more awkward by the close quarters of the humans’ living room. Virgil had to force himself to not be intimidated as red and green tails sprawled across the entire room. The twins were just so big, and Virgil felt very small beside them.

A little later, Patton came out of the kitchen with a stack of pancakes on a plate. Dee-Dee, playing scarf once more, had a silver dollar pancake in his hands and was contentedly munching on it. Logan followed with a mug of coffee in each hand. “Virgil, breakfast.” Patton set the plate down in the middle of the table. Looking up at the brothers, he added, “I’m working on getting a couple of big stacks for the two of you, so it’s going to be a bit of a wait.”

“You won’t be hearing any complaints from us.” Roman waved his hand. “Cook away, Patton.”

Logan set one mug of coffee at Virgil’s place and took a few long sips from the other.

“What’s that?” Roman asked curiously.

Logan looked up. “Hm?”

The naga pointed. “Your drink.”

“Coffee.” Logan took another sip, then asked, “Have you ever had coffee before?”

“No,” said Roman, shaking his head.

“Is it good?” asked Remus.

Logan shrugged. “I like it, but not everyone does. The main allure is the caffeine, which provides a burst of energy and allows one to wake more rapidly.” He looked down at his mug, then up at the twins again, lifting it. “Do you want to try?”

“Sure!” Remus said eagerly, reaching down.

“Careful, it’s hot,” Logan cautioned, handing his mug over.

Remus took it between two fingers, looking curiously at the dark liquid within. Then he poured the entire thing into his mouth. For a second, he was still. Then, turning excitedly to his brother, he said, “Roman, you gotta try this, it’s awful!”

“I’ll pass.” Roman shook his head. “That trick only works on me once.”

Logan had to suppress his offended look at Remus insulting his coffee before going to get himself a fresh cup. Virgil quietly snickered into his stack of pancakes before taking a sip of his own coffee.

“How can you guys drink that stuff?” Remus shuddered softly. “It’s so… bitter.”

“That’s because Logan likes his black.” Virgil set his mug down. “I’m not crazy and put creamer and sugar in mine.”

“My mental state has no correlation with how I take my coffee.” Logan sat down at his place with a fresh mug and started to eat. “For decades coffee was consumed by the masses with no additions.”

“Yeah, but we’re not cavemen anymore. We have technology… and flavored creamer.” Virgil took a long sip before returning to his pancakes.

“Can I try yours?” Remus asked, already reaching forward.

“Yeah, I guess.” Virgil handed it over, and Remus downed the entire mugful. He licked his lips, loudly smacking with his tongue.

“How is it?” Roman asked.

Remus shrugged. “Still weird,” he said, giving Virgil his mug back. Virgil got up to refill it.

When he came out, Patton followed behind him. “I’ve got another batch on the griddle,” he said, looking up at the twins. “It’d be barely a mouthful for you, though, so I figured I’d give you several batches at once.”

“That’s fine,” Roman reassured him again. “We appreciate any breakfast at all, since you originally only invited us over for dinner. You’ve been very hospitable.”

Patton grinned, sitting down at the table with his housemates. “Well, thank you,” he said.

The three humans and the micro naga ate, making casual conversation. Patton went back to the kitchen every so often to flip or pour pancakes, but rather than bring them out, he put them in his big roasting pan to keep them warm and soft.

Finally, it was full. Patton brought the heavy pan out, lifting it up triumphantly.

“Thank you,” Roman said, taking it from him. Remus leaned over, looking into the pan. They shook the pancakes out into their palms, half for each brother.

Logan, having finished his own meal, wiped his hands and mouth on his napkin, setting his dishes aside in a neat pile. “Roman, if you don’t mind, may I observe you eating?”

“You’ve already done that?”

“Apologies, I didn’t properly articulate my meaning.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “I’d like to physically observe how things pass through your body, preferably through applying small amounts of pressure to your torso to estimate the location of your esophagus in relation to your internal organs.”

At the bewildered look, Virgil translated. “He wants to Science you to find out more about how you eat, but it’s gonna take him getting in your personal space.”

“Oh.” Roman thought it over for a minute before nodding. “Sure. I don’t mind. Just don’t go sticking your hands in my mouth again. I don’t wanna accidentally bite you.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“He is about to get pretty hands-on, though,” Virgil warned, taking another sip of coffee. “If he’s too much, you can tell him to stop. He doesn’t get nonverbal cues super well unless you’re an animal.”

Roman nodded. Logan approached excitedly.

The doorbell rang, and everyone looked over, startled. Who could possibly be visiting at this time of the morning?

“I’ll get it,” Virgil sighed, putting his mug down and getting up. He glanced out the window and saw a woman with a big hat at the door. He sighed again and opened up, holding the door mostly closed so that his body blocked the view into the rest of the house. “We’re kinda busy- oh.”

It was the park ranger they had talked to before going into the woods months ago, the one who’d warned them of the naga sightings.

“Hello,” she said. “Do you live here?”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah.”

The ranger glanced down at the clipboard in her hands. “I’m just following up on a call we got. Your neighbor says they saw a huge snake go into your house; they were concerned for your safety.”

Virgil winced. Right, they’d forgotten to warn anyone that the brothers were coming over, and that there was nothing to be worried about. “Uh. Yeah…”

“There is a giant snake?” the ranger asked, immediately concerned. She pulled the radio from her belt. “I’ll get animal control right away. Has it attacked anyone?”

“No, wait!” Virgil exclaimed, throwing out an arm to stop her. “It’s okay, they promised not to hurt anybody!”

The ranger froze. “‘They promised’?” she repeated. “There’s more than one? And they can talk?”

Virgil nodded, trying to think of how to explain this. “There’s two,” he said at last. “And they’re not snakes, they’re giant nagas.”

The ranger gave him an odd look, like she wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. “You have two giant nagas in your house,” she repeated flatly, “and they’ve promised to go against their man-eating nature and not hurt anyone?”

“Yeah.”

The ranger scoffed.

“I know, it sounds ridiculous,” Virgil said. “But-”

“May I see these friendly nagas?”

Virgil hesitated for a moment. “Uh.”

“Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up for misusing a ranger’s time.”

“Fine.” Virgil opened the door the rest of the way, gesturing for her to come inside. “But don’t freak out, okay?”

The ranger walked past him into the house, glancing around the entryway. Virgil closed the door and followed. Then she stepped through the doorway into the living room and stopped short.

Looking over her shoulder, Virgil saw the twins, somehow taking up even more of the living room than they had before. Logan was sitting on the base of Roman’s tail, raptly observing and taking notes as the giant naga ate pancakes one by one. Remus was watching them, with an almost jealous look on his face. Patton and Dee-Dee were nowhere to be seen, but Virgil figured that they were probably back in the kitchen.

Going past the frozen ranger into the living room, Virgil cleared his throat, and the others looked up. For several seconds, there was silence. Then, before anyone else could break it, Virgil explained, “The neighbors called the ranger station, because they saw someone’s giant scaly behind going into our house and thought we’d all been eaten.”

Roman shook his head. “We wouldn’t eat you!” he protested.

“Yeah, but our neighbors didn’t know that.”

Patton popped back around the corner at that moment, carrying a plate with a big stack of pancakes on it. “I’ve got more pancakes!” he announced cheerfully. “Oh, hi Virgil, who was at the door?”

Virgil gestured to the ranger standing just behind him. “Apparently nobody remembered to tell the neighbors that you invited giant, man-eating nagas over for dinner.”

“Formerly man-eating,” Roman corrected.

“We haven’t eaten a single human in months,” Remus agreed. Patton offered him the plate, and the giant naga took it gratefully. “Thanks.”

The ranger seemed to find her voice. “You… gave up eating humans?” she repeated incredulously. “Just like that?”

The two giant nagas nodded.

“Why?”

Both glanced in Patton’s direction. “Patton would be sad if we ate humans,” Roman explained.

Remus nodded vigorously. “It felt wrong to try and hunt something that looks so much like him.”

The ranger looked at Patton, then back up at the two giant nagas, and then back at Patton again. He gave her a small grin.

“Want to join us for breakfast? We can talk it through.”

The ranger declined, shaking her head. “This is insane.”

Logan adjusted his glasses. “I can agree this is certainly… strange, but they speak the truth. I kept an eye on any news surrounding the forest since we first encountered the twins, and they’ve not harmed any humans since Patton here first convinced them not to devour us. Surely you’ve also noticed the recent drop in missing persons cases.”

Remus stuck his tongue out, poking Logan in the shoulder. “Aww, you kept tabs on us?”

She lifted her head, blinking owlishly. “They were going to eat you… but you convinced them not to? How?!”

Roman picked Patton up, ignoring Dee-Dee’s immediate protests, and dangled him directly in front of the ranger. “Just look at his face, and tell me you’d still try to eat him,” he said. “Patton, do that thing, the really cute one.”

Patton looked over his shoulder up at Roman, eyes widened and head tilted just slightly. “What thing?”

“That’s the one!” Roman beamed. “That’s the look that made me realize I couldn’t.” He set Patton down with a fond smile.

The ranger groaned and glanced at Virgil and Logan. “And you two?”

“Patton informed them of our bond,” Logan explained. “Something along the lines of ‘If you eat them, you’ll have to eat me too.’”

“And obviously we couldn’t do that,” Remus said, looking fondly at Patton. “So we didn’t!” He patted Patton on the head. Dee-Dee hissed up at him.

The ranger looked around the room and slowly rubbed her face. “Fine. Fine. I’ll call off animal control. I’ll explain everything to them, but I’ll be needing statements from the three of you to corroborate the story.” She pointed sternly up at the nagas. “And next time, you need to give prior warning before coming into town. We can work out the details later regarding what kind of warning and how much prior.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“That sounds reasonable,” Logan said. “Wouldn’t want everyone freaking out.”

“Again,” Virgil added softly, rolling his eyes.

The ranger glanced around the living room one more time. “Alright, well then. I should go, make sure nobody sends backup in here after me. Wouldn’t want anyone panicking and making rash decisions.”

Virgil glanced back the way they’d come. “Yeah, I’d prefer to not have the front door kicked down.”

She started back towards the door. “Can you three come by the station this afternoon to give your statements?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Patton nodded and glanced at Logan. “After we send the twins home?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll see you three then.” And with that, she left.

Virgil sighed and sank into one of the table chairs. Logan sat in the chair beside him. “I feel as though we should have foreseen this.”

“Sorry,” Patton said, heading back into the kitchen. “I forgot that they were scary.”

“With how we met, you think we’d remember.” Virgil shook his head. “Especially Logan and I.”

“Yeah, but they’ve been so nice since then, and it’s been months!”

Virgil looked up at the two nagas. “You’re gonna have to go home pretty soon,” he told them.

“Yeah, figured,” Roman chuckled.

“We probably ought to escort you back to the edge of the woods, to ensure your safety,” Logan mused. “I’d hate for someone to shoot at you.”

“I’ve been shot before,” Remus said. “Zero out of ten, would not recommend.” He scowled. “I didn’t even get to eat the guy! He got away while I was distracted by the pain.”

Virgil chuckled, patting him on the hand. “Poor baby,” he said, his voice somehow both sympathetic and teasing. Mostly teasing.

Remus pouted.

“Well,” Roman said reluctantly after a moment of silence. “We should probably be heading for home.”

“Yes, that would probably be best,” Logan agreed, just as reluctantly. He paused. “How did you get in here in the first place?”

“It wasn’t easy.” Roman rubbed the back of his neck. “We had to turn sideways and squish ourselves through your little entrance tunnel. The first part especially was really tight to get through.”

“I would imagine so,” Logan said, looking over at the entryway, then back at the twins. “Lucky we have a wide front door, or else you’d never have gotten your hips through.”

Virgil glanced at the door, then around the room. “D’you think they’d fit better going out the window?”

They all looked. The living room window took up most of the wall, and was certainly wider than the front door.

“They’d have to be more careful not to break it,” Logan said musingly. “Also, that would put them in our backyard.”

“And we’d have to take the screen out,” Patton pointed out, coming back out of the kitchen with another plateful of pancakes. “You still hungry?”

Remus perked up. “Yes please!” he said, reaching for the pancakes.

Roman was staring at the door, occasionally glancing down at himself. “Don’t stuff yourself, Ree,” he said finally. “It was enough of a squeeze getting in on an empty stomach.”

Logan nodded, giving Roman’s tail a significant glance where he had been palpating it. “You’ve certainly become much firmer than before you began eating,” he said. “I expect you’d have trouble fitting through as tight a space as you could slip through before.”

Remus begrudgingly put the stack of pancakes down. “Fine, fine.” He scowled briefly, then sighed. “I guess we’d better go, then.”

Virgil got up. “Door or window?” he asked.

They considered. “Door,” Logan said at last.

With a nod, Virgil went and opened it.

Roman went first. Virgil stepped out of the way as the big red naga slithered past. Roman had to duck his head to enter the hallway, and basically crawl to get through the door. However, despite having to turn sideways and wriggle awkwardly, he made it through without too much difficulty.

Remus stuck.

He got his upper half through alright, as well as about a foot of scaled tail, but just below that, it was thicker, and he jammed in the doorway like a plug.

“I’m stuck,” Remus whined. “Help.”

“Yes, we noticed,” Logan answered. He eyed the giant green tail. “How exactly are we supposed to help?”

“Push!”

“There aren’t exactly handholds, you slippery snake!” Virgil retorted. But all the same, all three humans clustered around, doing their best to push Remus through the door. On the outside, Roman took his brother’s hands, pulling.

Dee-Dee didn’t try very hard to hide his amused, smug smirk at the sight of the giant pest, stuck. But, at least he didn’t taunt him.

“C’mon, suck it in.” Virgil growled. “Logan, on three. One, two, three!” The pair gave an enormous shove.

There was a creak and Remus popped through the doorframe. He tumbled into Roman, and they made a tangled naga knot on the road.

“Are you okay?!” Patton quickly stepped out to check on them.

“We’re fine.” They dusted themselves off, untangling a little, but leaving a loop of tail entwined.

Virgil grabbed Patton’s jacket from its hook by the door as well as his own, following him out. Logan paused in the doorway to check for damage.

“If you get any bigger, we won’t be able to have you over,” Patton said sadly. “Are you done growing yet?”

The twins exchanged glances, then shook their heads.

“Sorry, Patt,” Roman said. “We’re not gonna be full-grown for a while.”

Remus patted Patton’s head. “Don’t be sad, little Patty,” he said. “You can still visit us in the woods.”

“Or get a bigger house!” Roman added.

Remus grinned. “Or get a bigger house,” he agreed.

Patton chuckled. Virgil dropped his jacket on his head. “Don’t catch a cold.”

Patton put it on, and Dee-Dee settled down around his neck again, huddling close for warmth.

“Do you wanna stay home, Dee-Dee?” Patton asked. “You don’t have to come.”

“No,” the little naga said firmly, snuggling down even more. “I’m curious.”

“Alright.” Patton touched him on the head. “But you should probably wear your hat, at least, keep your ears warm,” he added, reaching into his jacket pockets. He found the little soft, warm hat fairly quickly, and passed it over to Dee-Dee, who put it on. “C’mon, Lo.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Logan closed and locked the door. “Looks like Remus didn’t break the doorframe,” he reported. “I’d rather not put that kind of stress on it again, though.”

“Remus, you glutton.” Roman softly punched his brother in the arm.

“Patton is good at making food!” Remus answered, not looking the least bit ashamed. “Come on, let’s go home.”

~~~~~

Fin

If you like this story, check out There’s a Snek in the Woods, a reversed AU in which we swapped the humans and the nagas!

[nommy-thoughts]

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[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Chapter 2:  The Other Hikers

Wordcount: 6.7 K

Summary: Virgil and Logan go looking for the third member of their party and find a little more than they bargained for.

Chapter 2 of my collab with @that-prey-lounge!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

“Wait, where’s Patton?”

Logan pulled his eyes away from the bird he’d been trying to identify, the worry in Virgil’s voice enough to warrant his full attention. He glanced around. “He was stomping leaves right over there a minute ago,” Logan said, frowning. It was painfully clear that Patton wasn’t there now. Both friends looked around the clearing in concern. “Patton?” Logan called. There was no answer.

“Patton!” Virgil called, louder. He looked around, worried. “C’mon, Patton, the one thing everyone knows is don’t wander off alone in the forest! People who go off alone don’t always come home.”

“Pairs don’t tend to do well either,” Logan pointed out, frowning.

Virgil grimaced. “Right. Now we’re all in danger. Great.”

“Which is why we must find Patton immediately.” Logan hitched his bag up higher, and the two scoured the area. Patton’s disturbance in the leaves were evident, and after a minute, they thought they found a trail.

Thank goodness Patton enjoyed dragging his feet in the leaves.

The pair walked briskly, calling out Patton’s name every few feet. They were both set on edge by the silence that dragged on.

Eventually, they found something that made their blood run cold. A serpentine track wound across the path the two were following, and from the size of the marks, it had been made by something big.

“The ranger said that there are rumors of nagas in the woods, didn’t she?” Virgil swallowed.

Logan nodded gravely, and he pressed on, nearly jogging. “Patton!”

“Patton! Buddy!” Virgil had a louder voice, so he did most of the yelling for Patton. “Where are you?!”

Logan stopped Virgil with an outstretched arm over his chest. “Look.”

There were more tracks. Surrounding a glittering stone were a plethora of the naga’s menacing grooves in the leaves and loose dirt.

“No, no, no!” Virgil grabbed his drawstrings on his hoodie. “Patton! Patton! Pa—!”

Logan slapped a hand over his mouth, cutting him off. “Silence. We don’t know if the naga left yet.”

Virgil’s eyes widened to the size of silver dollars, and he went quiet. Logan very slowly removed his hand.

Nothing came lashing out of the woods at them, so Logan took a deep breath. Virgil slowly exhaled through his nose.

“Look for clues, quietly.” Logan instructed before examining the tracks.

One came in from the east, the other from the west. Coordinated attack. That significantly lowered the chance that any of them would make it out alive.

“Logan!” Virgil hissed.

Logan rushed over and saw Virgil clutching Patton’s glasses case in a trembling hand. Logan reached over and opened it. There sat Patton’s glasses.

“You don’t think… he got eaten, do you?” Virgil was shaking a little. “A-and that he’s been crushed to death and torn to shreds and—”

“No.” Logan stopped him there. “If he was eaten, he would have his glasses. He wouldn’t take them off and put them away if he was about to be swallowed.”

Virgil clutched the glasses close as he stood. “Then Patton might be alive!”

“We should go contact the ranger station. She can gather a search party, armed, and more numerous than us.” Logan was looking over the tracks with Virgil. He saw human footprints leading in, but only naga prints leading out.

“But they might have caught him by then, Logan! We have to go after him!”

“Be rational. What can we do against a pair of nagas who might have swallowed—”

Virgil’s glare sent chills down Logan’s spine.

“—that are at such large proportions,” he amended. “This isn’t like our pet at home. These things are vicious man eaters. They might kill us too, Virgil.”

“I don’t care!” Virgil stood tall, and Logan saw that reckless determination flare in his friend’s eyes. “I’m going to get Patton back, and you can help me or not!”

Virgil took off running in the direction the tracks led.

Logan took off after him, hoping with every fiber of his being that Patton was okay.

The tracks led up into the mountains, and eventually up into the mouth of a huge cave.

“The tracks go in here,” Virgil said unnecessarily, looking into the mouth of the cave. It was simply enormous, definitely large enough to house nagas of the size to leave the tracks.

“This is a bad idea,” Logan answered unhappily, but he still didn’t back down.

Virgil nodded, peering into the cave. Though it was large, it had a big overhang, so that the sunlight didn’t reach very far into it. After a few dozen yards, it was too dim to see clearly. Pulling his phone from his pocket, Logan turned the flashlight widget on, shining it into the cave. From this distance, it didn’t do much good against the shadows.

Virgil did the same with his own, taking the lead. He stayed by the left wall of the cave, mostly using his phone light to show the floor. Behind him, Logan followed, legs primed to run.

“Maybe you should wait outside,” Virgil whispered. Logan shook his head vigorously.

“No way,” he said. “I’m not gonna risk both my friends getting eaten without me.”

Virgil chuckled darkly, but he didn’t try to dissuade him again.

Together, they slowly edged into the cave. Suddenly, Virgil threw an arm out to stop Logan. “Do you hear that?” he whispered.

Logan listened, tilting his head slightly. There was the sound of wind, which was not exactly something one expected to hear inside of a cave. Then the wind paused for a moment, before starting again. Not wind. Breathing. Something very big breathing.

Logan slowly swept the flashlight beam across the floor to the source of the sound. Red scales gleamed back at them. Virgil stopped breathing in horror at the size of the serpent. The tracks they’d been following had given them a hint, sure, but it was something else to see it with his own eyes. It was thicker than both friends put together. Honestly, it was almost half as thick as Virgil was tall, and he suspected that this wasn’t even the thickest part of the tail.

But it wasn’t moving. Hand trembling, Logan swept the beam along its length. A few feet down, another tail twisted around the first, just as thick. Unlike the first, it was covered in drying mud, obscuring its color. And then Logan’s flashlight illuminated a human hand, draped limply over the tails.

Virgil gasped, bringing his own light up in an instant. The hand was attached to an arm, which was attached to a shoulder, and… and that was Patton. His face was turned the other way, but they didn’t need to see Patton’s face to know that was him.

“I’m glad you decided we follow the trail when you said we should.” Logan swallowed dryly. “He’s breathing,” he noted. Patton was, somehow, inexplicably, still alive, thank goodness. However, he was also currently cuddled up to two gigantic carnivorous beasts.

Why they hadn’t eaten him, Logan couldn’t fathom. Nagas’ diets consisted of whatever animals they could catch, regardless of whether they could fit it down their throats in one piece or not. Although micro nagas occasionally liked to play with their food and enjoyed the chase, they did not keep prey alive for long, and they certainly didn’t take it back to their nests for a nap. It was assumed that giant nagas were the same. Logan briefly considered the possibility that the nagas were too full, but a single glance at their tails disproved that theory. Logan knew what the tail of a recently fed snake looked like, and this wasn’t it. These nagas were hungry.

“Why isn’t he moving?” Virgil worried. “Why is he just lying there?”

“I don’t know,” Logan admitted.

Perhaps giant nagas’ venom paralyzed prey instead of killing it? Any researcher that witnessed a hunt ended up as their subject’s meal, so they had little to no information. Logan frowned. What would be the benefit of paralyzing their prey, and not eating it right away?

“Patton!” Virgil whisper-shouted.

Eyes widening in alarm, Logan grabbed Virgil’s arm. They both froze again, and Virgil winced. Luckily, the two gigantic nagas didn’t stir. But, unfortunately, neither did Patton.

“You don’t think he’s been bitten o-or crushed, do you?”

Logan stared up at Patton’s limp form for several seconds more. “It doesn’t look like he’s breathing painfully,” he said at last.

Virgil nodded tightly. “I - I’m going to try and get him down from there.” He set his phone down on the cave floor, taking a moment to position it so the beam continued to illuminate Patton.

“Please be cautious.” Logan bit his lip as Virgil approached the nest of coils. He allowed his light to stray from Patton, running up the tails. There were just visible black spot-like markings across the darker tail, and after a second, his beam found more pale flesh.

Much larger flesh.

He estimated that the hand laying on the torso was roughly five times larger than a human hand, with long, thick claws for fingernails, and several scars across the fingers and one that looked like a cat scratch on the back of the wrist.

Logan jumped slightly when Virgil hissed out a curse word, glancing back at his friend. He was standing with the tips of his sneakers mere inches from a thick, red coil and was awkwardly trying to pull Patton down without touching the scales.

Logan glanced back at the nagas. There was a large scar across the jaw of the mud caked one, several smaller scars scattered across its face, and an open red eye.

The still nest of coils exploded into movement before Logan could even gasp. Something heavy smacked into him, sending him stumbling. His phone flew from his grip. Virgil yelped as he was thrown beside Logan, and the two tried to struggle as they were wrapped up in thick, green coils.

Virgil managed to keep an arm free, pushing and struggling for all his worth. Logan tried to kick, but he was helplessly squeezed back-to-back with Virgil.

“Hey, Roman, get up.” Their captor nudged the red tail Patton still slept on. “Dinner just wandered in.”

The other naga shifted, much more slowly than the first had. “What do you mean, dinner— oh. More humans. Sweet.” He continued to move, and Patton slid down his tail out of the light from Virgil’s flashlight.

The pair gasped as the coils around them tightened even further. “Let’s do it quickly,” the naga holding them whispered, “before our snuggle buddy wakes up.”

“Patton!” Virgil screamed, thrashing now. “Patton! Please wake up!”

“Oh shit,” one of the nagas hissed.

“Guys? What’s goin’ on?” Patton said sleepily. Logan’s phone had been only illuminating the ceiling, but now it lifted and turned on them. Patton gasped from the darkness behind it. “Virgil! Logan!”

The red naga moved between Patton and the other two humans, blocking the light. “Why don’t you go back to bed, Patton. Remus and I are just having dinner.”

“What?! No!” Patton scrambled over the red tail and immediately started to tug on the coils constricting around his friends. “You can’t eat my friends!”

“Your friends,” a naga repeated flatly. Was it Virgil’s imagination, or had the coils stopped tightening? It was still very hard to breathe, though. Despite the panic that came from being currently held in the tail of a naga who intended to eat them, Virgil found himself falling into a breathing rhythm with Logan, each breathing in as the other breathed out and vice-versa.

“They’re my friends,” Patton repeated, continuing to pull on the scaled loops surrounding Logan and Virgil. “Please.”

“But—” The one holding them looked at the other, and the silence stretched out.

“If you eat them, then— then you’ll have to eat me, too!”

The nagas made eye contact with each other again, and then the tight coils slackened. Virgil gasped gratefully at the sweet, sweet air that filled his unrestricted lungs. A moment later, his breath was knocked out of him again by Patton crashing into him and holding him in a tight hug. Virgil grabbed him back. After a second, Patton pulled one arm free to make grabby hands at Logan, who joined the tight embrace.

“We’re so glad you’re okay.” Virgil buried his face in Patton’s shoulder before pulling back. “But, what are you doing here?” he hissed in a whisper. “With these things?”

“We were just taking a nap. They weren’t gonna hurt me.”

“How did you manage to convince them not to eat you?” Logan inquired.

Patton giggled. “They think I’m too cute to eat!”

“He is,” one of the nagas chimed in. “Have you seen his adorable little face?”

That jarringly brought the two humans right back to where they were: In a den of hungry nagas, after just denying said nagas dinner. Even if the nagas had decided that Patton wasn’t to be eaten, this was still a very dangerous situation.

Logan stood a little straighter. “We’ll be taking our leave now. Thank you for not eating Patton, or us.”

The dark green tail still loosely coiled on the floor around them twitched nearer, and Virgil gave it a nervous look. “Leaving?” the naga it belonged to protested. “Already?”

“Yes, we need to be getting out of these woods before nightfall, lest we run into more dangerous creatures, and your cave is far enough from the edge of the woods that we really ought to be going now to be safe,” Logan explained in a carefully calm voice.

“Oh honey, nothing out here is more dangerous than the two of us.” The green-tailed naga chuckled and glanced to the other, who gave them a sharp-toothed grin. “You’ll be perfectly safe in our little cave for the night.”

Virgil bit his tongue, trying to not offend the two very large snakes that had decided to spare their lives, and who could oh so easily change their minds.

“It’s such a long walk.” The red-tailed naga lowered himself to be closer to eye level, “The bears have been out in storm, trying to pack on the winter fat. You’d be safer going tomorrow morning.”

Virgil’s grip on Logan’s arm tightened. “We, uh, don’t want to, erm, intrude.”

Patton stepped away, looking up at the two nagas. “They’re just a little nervous about your size, don’t take it personally.”

“We’re used to much worse reactions, Patton, don’t worry,” the red-tailed naga said, patting Patton’s head gently with his huge hand. “We understand, but you all have nothing to fear.”

The green-tailed naga fully uncoiled himself. “I could go grab us something to eat if that’ll calm them down.”

Virgil’s eyes widened, and he glanced up at the naga, who laughed softly. “No humans, promise.” Virgil glared a bit, and the naga added, “Unless you’d like to join me to make sure?”

Virgil shook his head with a grimace, moving closer to Patton and Logan. He had no interest in seeing the hunt up close, especially so soon after so narrowly escaping being dinner himself.

The green-tailed naga stretched, and then shrugged. “Keep an eye on our little guests, Roman. I’ll be back with dinner soon.”

With that, the naga slithered out of the cave, humming softly to himself.

Logan and Virgil looked back towards the remaining naga and their hearts jumped into their throats. He had lazily coiled around Patton again, though he didn’t seem to be constricting him.

“Don’t do that!” Virgil blurted out before he could stop himself.

The naga blinked at him for a moment before giving a dramatic sigh. “Oh, fine,” he said, slithering off from around Patton. He instead made a loose nest of his coils a few feet off, lying on his stomach across it.

“Oh!” Patton said. “We haven’t had introductions. Roman, these are my roommates and really good friends, Logan and Virgil.” He pointed to each as he said their names, and they gave small waves. “Guys, this is Roman. The other naga is named Remus. They’re twins.”

“Twins?” Logan repeated curiously. “Did you share an egg?”

Roman laughed. “No, don’t be silly. We were in the same clutch.”

“I see,” Logan said. “How many eggs were in your clutch? Just the two of you?”

Roman shook his head, “Naw, there were others. Decoys, mostly. You might not believe this, but I used to be smaller than you are. Lotta things out there that would like to eat naga eggs.”

“Oh, Patton,” Virgil interrupted. “We found your glasses.” He pulled the case from his pocket and handed it to Patton, who gratefully opened it.

“Thanks!” Patton said cheerfully, putting them on. He looked around, grinning. “Now I can see again!”

“How did you even manage to befriend two giant nagas?” Virgil asked, still unable to fully believe it.

So, Patton told them. After he had finished his tale, the three humans continued to chat, the giant naga lazily watching them. After some time, Roman yawned loudly, shifting closer. He sprawled out comfortably on the stone floor a few feet away from their cluster.

“Are you truly no longer interested in eating us?” Logan inquired cautiously.

Roman shrugged his gigantic shoulders. “Nah. It would make Patton sad.”

Logan nodded agreeably. “I can certainly understand changing your habits so as to avoid making Patton sad.”

Roman flashed that sharp grin again.

Logan took a step closer, unable to deny his curiosity. “My, what big teeth you have,” he joked. Roman’s grin faltered. “Would you object to my getting a closer look?”

“Logan!” Virgil gasped.

“What?” Logan said, turning back to face Virgil. “This is a particularly unique opportunity! Do you understand how rare it is to be able to observe a live Serpenti Magnum in the wild without risk of being eaten?”

“Just because he promised not to eat us doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to tempt fate by getting all close up to the mouth of a giant naga!” Virgil hissed.

“I’m not tempting fate. Patton and yourself are here to ensure that nothing goes wrong, and if Roman cooperates, I should remain unharmed.”

“All you have is his word.”

Roman made an offended noise, but Logan beat him to speaking. “You had less when we ran up here to rescue Patton. Patton had even less when he was taken. Besides, I don’t just have his word, there are a few tricks up my metaphorical sleeves.”

Virgil couldn’t think of a comeback.

Logan pulled a notebook and a pen from his bag handing them to Virgil. “I’ll tell you my findings, you write them down. Patton, could you keep a light pointed in his mouth?”

Patton nodded dutifully as Logan approached the large naga.

Roman glanced down at Logan, rubbing the back of his neck. “Er, uh, you sure you want to look at my mouth? I don’t want you to cut yourself.”

Logan nodded firmly. “Your mouth is not the first I’ve examined, simply the largest. I know what I’m doing.”

Roman nodded uncertainly, but as Logan approached, he pushed himself up off the ground a little, propping himself up on his elbows and opening his mouth wide. Logan felt a twinge of primal fear at the sight of the gigantic gaping maw, but easily suppressed it in the name of science.

“Patton, come closer with the light,” he instructed, stepping right up next to Roman’s crossed arms to look into his mouth. “Virgil, it seems that without unhinging his jaw, the subject can comfortably open his mouth roughly a foot. I wish I had a measuring tape so I could be more accurate.”

After a few seconds of pen scratching on paper, Virgil made a noise of acknowledgment.

Logan began by examining the teeth, calling out size and his count of teeth. “Two incisors. Two sets of canines, that’s interesting. The second set is a little larger than the first. At least on the top; on the bottom, it's… Hang on.” Logan took a closer look. “Okay, he has two incisors on top, and four on bottom. The lower ones are narrow, while the upper are wide and flat, like a human's front two upper incisors. He does have two sets of canines, as I mentioned. On top, the second set is larger than the first, while the lower canines are all about the same size. Looks like… two premolars on each side, top and bottom, and one set of molars. The positions of the teeth are similar to that of those in a human’s mouth.” Logan hummed. “Interesting. This tooth makeup implies that a fair portion of their food is chewed, rather than all being swallowed whole.” He leaned over Roman’s front teeth, twisting to look up at the roof of his mouth. “I don’t see any snake-like fangs,” he noted. “Thus, I would assume that the subject is non-venomous. This correlates with the suggestion that they hunt by constriction, as we observed earlier.”“Nearly observed digestion firsthand too,” Virgil muttered to himself as he wrote it all down.“Ooh,” Logan said with interest, leaning even further into Roman’s open mouth. “Virgil, he has more teeth behind the ones I already mentioned! On the roof of his mouth, closer to the center. Two rows of… eight teeth each, running from the front of his mouth toward the back. They’re smaller than the other teeth, and are shaped more like snake teeth: all pointed. They’re angled toward his throat. I assume to prevent prey from escaping.” Logan finally pulled his head back, and he glanced up at Roman. “I assume you can unhinge your jaw to allow large prey easier access to the throat.”

Roman pulled back slightly from the scientist standing in front of his face and worked his jaw for a few moments before answering. “Yeah. If we didn’t, we’d have to tear up all our prey. Well, except when Remus would trap rats. But everything that’s big enough to be worth it.”

Logan paused. “Your brother eats rats?”

“Rats, mice, squirrels, whatever he can get his hands on.” He shrugged. “He’ll eat them by the handful. Loves them as snacks. Too much effort for me for the tiny things.”

“Virgil—”

“Don’t worry, I got it.” He shuddered as he wrote it down.

Logan shuffled his feet before looking up at Roman again. “Would you care to demonstrate for me?”

Roman nodded softly, and then, with a soft click, opened his mouth extremely wide. It was easy to see now how he could swallow whole something human-sized, or even bigger. They could have easily crawled down his throat. The three humans stared, varying displays of fear across their faces.

Logan recovered first. “Can you comfortably hold that position?”

Roman half shrugged, but didn’t move otherwise. Logan pulled Patton close, shining the flashlight over the entirety of the mouth. “I would estimate that the opening has roughly tripled in size,” Logan said, fascinated. “There’s about three feet between his upper and lower jaw. Possibly four.” He pulled back again, looking at the underside of Roman’s jaw. “And yes, his throat has slackened as well to accommodate the swallowing of larger prey. I would be curious to examine the structure of his larynx, but of course it would be rather difficult to do so properly and non-invasively on a live subject.”

Virgil refused to look up as he quickly took notes.

“Have I mentioned the tongue yet, Virgil?”

“Nnno.” He glanced over the page. “What’s it like?”

“Forked,” Logan reported, “and proportionally rather slimmer than a human’s, though not so slim as a snake’s. Presumably, that is so that it can perform both functions — guiding chewed food to the throat, and scenting the air. As well as speech.” Logan leaned over Roman’s jaw again, looking curiously at his tongue. “And just as with snakes and smaller nagas, it appears to not be rooted to the back of the lower jaw, instead coming out of a sheath at about the same position. I would assume it can retract fully, to assist in carrying scents inside.”

Roman flicked his tongue into his mouth, demonstrating that exact thing.

“Yes, it retracts. Excellent, thank you, Roman,” Logan said, pulling back out of Roman’s mouth. “Would you mind extending your tongue to its full length?”

Roman stuck his tongue out, and Logan stepped to the side to get out of the way.

“Much longer than a human tongue,” Logan confirmed, pulling his phone from his back pocket to take a few hurried pictures. “I’d say… approximately five or six feet long from the tip to where it enters the sheath. I wish I had a higher quality camera.”

Virgil glanced up and shuddered softly. Logan placed his phone back in his pocket as Roman retracted his tongue again.

“Hold on, Roman,” Patton warned before sticking his hand inside Roman’s mouth. “There’s something stuck in your teeth.”

Roman didn’t move as Patton leaned in closer and snagged a slimy red feather out from between his teeth.

“Guess you don’t mind eating birds.” Patton tossed the feather away.

Roman rehinged his jaw with a slightly louder click than when he’d unhinged it. “Well… they’re hard to catch, but it’s fun to toy with them.”

Logan hummed thoughtfully, retrieving his notebook from Virgil. “That’s all I wish to examine at the moment. Thank you for your cooperation, Roman.”

Logan got to making more notes in the notebook, trying to draw everything he’d seen.

“Is he always like this?” Roman asked.

Virgil chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, pretty much. I’m impressed by how patient you were. The last time Logan stuck his fingers in my mouth to look at my teeth, I bit him.”

“Hey, guys?” Patton called. “My phone battery’s starting to get kinda low, and it’s getting chilly. Can we make a campfire?”

“I’d imagine that’s up to Roman, since this is his home,” Logan said without looking up from his notebook. Patton turned his pleading gaze to the large naga.

“You… want to light a fire?” Roman repeated.

“Just a little one,” Patton said. “For warmth, and light. Don’t worry. We’ve done it before, we can make sure it doesn’t spread.”

Roman nodded slightly. “If you can get one going.” He nudged a bundle of wood over. Something he and his brother collected from prey. “Remus and I never had much luck with such things.”

“I have matches,” Virgil volunteered.

Roman tilted his head to the side, but he watched with rapt attention as Virgil got the wood into the right position and lit it.

“There we go, Patt.” Virgil wiped his hands. “Done.”

“Thank you, Virgil.” Patton smiled as he sat by it. Logan came closer, turned off his flashlight, and continued to draw, angling the book a little to get the best light. Virgil lay down, trying to get as comfortable as he could on the stone floor. Roman settled down again as well, keeping a wary eye on the leaping flames.

It was a while before they heard from Remus. “I’m back and I brought food!” He announced as he entered the cave, holding three dead deer in his arms.

Roman looked up from where he lay sprawled across the entire floor. “Took you long enough.”

“Rude,” Remus said, throwing a deer at him. It hit Roman square in the face, exactly where Remus had been aiming. “It’s a lot harder to hunt alone, you know, and I was hunting for both of us. Plus I got an extra one for the humans to eat.”

“Oh,” Patton said. All three humans looked at the carcass with wide eyes as Remus set it by them. “Do you have a knife?” Patton whispered to Virgil.

Virgil nodded, pulling a long knife from his boot sheath. He started to hand it over, handle first, but paused. “Do you know how to cut this up?”

“Do you?”

Virgil nodded again. “My family used to keep goats for meat,” he said. “Deer shouldn’t be too different.”

“How are we going to cook it?” Logan asked.

“I have a campfire grill in my bag, which we can use for smallish steaks,” Virgil said, starting to examine the deer. “And we can sharpen a big stick to make a spit.”

“You are way overpacked for a day trip.”

Virgil shrugged. “Better overprepared than underprepared,” he returned. “And in this case, it came in very handy.”

“Fair.”

“Patton, would you look for a long, straight stick?” Virgil asked. Patton nodded, starting to look through the wood pile. “A big one, it needs to be able to support a heavy piece of meat. Some forked sticks would be useful too.”

Virgil set up his phone to shine directly on the deer, while being high enough off the ground that any messiness from the butchering process wouldn’t get on it. “Be more convenient if we could hang this,” he murmured to himself, forgetting for the moment that they were sharing the cave with a pair of nagas, both of whom could easily lift the deer with one hand. He took his knife, slicing through the deer’s skin. Moving with practiced skill, he began to skin the deer, exposing the flesh.

A loud crunch had Logan glance up at the nagas. Remus had bitten a leg off his deer and swallowed it whole.

Part of him was terrified, really, to be in such close proximity to creatures big enough to easily swallow him whole. Another part of him, a louder part, was fascinated.

Logan started to sketch Roman with the deer in his hands, but his eyes strayed as Roman swallowed the thing whole. The soft pop of the jaw unlocking got his attention, but Logan dropped his pencil when he saw Roman just shove it all the way in.

He didn’t even struggle to swallow. Just a few soft bites was all it took for Roman to swallow an entire deer.

Logan watched in awe and in fear as the deer vanished down into Roman’s chest after briefly bulging out his neck. Unlike Logan expected from his observations of smaller nagas, the bulge slid past his human-like torso into the stomach located in his tail without pausing. Roman sighed happily, patting the bulge deep in his body. Remus bit another leg off his deer. Surely he could also swallow it whole just as easily, Logan thought to himself, writing in his notebook. Perhaps Remus simply preferred to draw his meal out as long as possible. Unless he had some reason not to unhinge his jaw? Perhaps an injury?

“Is this a good skewer stick?” Patton asked, wandering back over to Virgil. Virgil looked over. The stick in Patton’s hands would easily reach across the fire, and looked thick enough to support the weight of a fair sized bit of meat.

“Yeah. Good job, Patt. Find anything to prop it up on yet?”

“No, not yet. Maybe we can use some rocks? Hey, Roman?”

The giant red naga looked over. “Yeah, Patton?”

“Can you find us some big rocks to prop this on over the fire?” Patton asked, lifting the stick.

“What for?”

“We need to cook our meat before we eat it,” Patton explained. “We’re gonna skewer it on this so we can hold it over the fire and cook it.”

Roman nodded, looking around the cave. It was harder to see into the darker corners than usual, since his eyes had adjusted to the light of the fire, but after a few moments he slithered into the shadows, returning with a boulder in each hand. “Will these work?”

“Yeah!” Patton said cheerfully, directing him to place one on either side of the fire. He tested to make sure that they would hold the stick in the right place, then grinned up at Roman. “Thanks!”

“You’re welcome,” Roman said, smiling. He settled down on the floor to watch the humans work.

“Patton,” Virgil said.

“Hm?”

“Sharpen the stick, please, and debark it.”

“Okay,” Patton said. He took his pocket knife out and opened it to do just that.

Virgil paused in his butchering process. “Patt. Is that the biggest knife you have?”

Patton looked down at the inch-and-a-half long blade, then back at Virgil. “Yes?”

Virgil sighed. “You’ll never manage to debark that whole thing with that, let alone sharpen it. You can borrow mine.” He moved one hand toward his hip, then paused again. “My hands are gross. Come grab my knife from my pocket.”

Patton put his own small knife away, then awkwardly reached into Virgil’s pocket. It felt really weird to put his hand in someone else’s pocket, but he soon found the pocket knife and pulled it out.

“Be careful, it’s sharp,” Virgil cautioned. “And spring-loaded, so keep your fingers clear when you open it.”

Wide-eyed, Patton opened the knife. It snapped open, gleaming in the firelight.

“Just make sure you keep your fingers clear so you don’t cut your thumb off or anything,” Virgil cautioned as Patton picked up the end of the stick again. Patton nodded. Carefully, with respect for the sharpness of the blade, Patton began to carve. After it was clear he had a handle on what he was doing, Virgil returned his attention to the deer.

Virgil’s knife was really sharp. It cut smoothly through the bark, and Patton had soon stripped the stick. Then he started sharpening one end, carving off long strips of wood and gradually shaving the stick into a point like an oversized pencil.

There was another crunch from Remus, and Roman looked over at his brother. Remus had bitten off and swallowed all of his deer’s appendages and was now gnawing on the main body. Roman gave him a disgusted look, gesturing vaguely to the humans. Remus rolled his eyes and unhinged his jaw to swallow the remains with a huge gulp.

Logan made a note in his book while Remus started to clean himself, licking his fingers.

“Do I need to do both ends?” Patton asked as he finished up, smoothing down the pointy stick.

“No, one’s fine,” Virgil said. He got up and came over, looking at Patton’s handiwork. “Looks good. Let’s get the meat on it. I cut it up into a couple large sections, plus some smaller steaks we can cook on my camp grill, which won’t take as long.”

With Virgil directing and doing the parts involving touching the raw meat directly, they soon had a fair portion of the deer suspended above the flames. Then Patton got the campfire grill from Virgil’s bag, unfolding it. It was a simple grid of thick wires, with squared off pipes for legs. He settled it over a section of fire that was mostly coals, and Virgil laid three medium-small steaks on it. “Those probably won’t take more than twenty minutes to cook,” Virgil said, covering the remaining raw meat with the deer hide.

The twin nagas were watching with rapt attention, eyes a little wide. They were finally staying still enough that Logan was actually able to properly document the way the deer they’d eaten was causing their tails to bulge out slightly.

Virgil looked down at his hands. “Now I gotta get cleaned up,” he said.

Remus, who’d just finished licking his own hands clean, glanced over at Virgil. “I can help with that.” He slowly licked his lips.

Virgil blinked, and then quickly pulled away. “Like hell you are. You are not getting a taste of this.”

Patton giggled while he tended to the meat. Remus continued to make a few teasing comments about Virgil while he cleaned his hands and his knife with a pack of baby wipes from his bag.

“Sure you don’t want me to have just a nibble? I won’t bite, not hard.”

“Positive.” Virgil tossed the wipes into a trash bag before turning to the meat. He used a smaller stick to turn the steaks over, noting that they were cooking nicely.

A few minutes later, Virgil announced, “Food’s ready. Logan?”

“Coming,” Logan said, setting his notebook aside for the moment. Virgil grabbed a baby wipe to scrub his hands again, passing the packet to the others.

“Wash up.”

As they did so, Virgil opened his bag again, pulling out three shallow lightweight bowls.

“Is there anything you didn’t bring?” Patton teased.

“Silverware,” Virgil admitted. “We’ll have to share my knife.”

“That’s fine,” Logan assured him.

Virgil wiped off the pocket knife one more time just to be sure. (He wasn’t going to use his boot knife for this, not until he’d gotten a chance to wash it more thoroughly, with soap and hot water. He’d figured it was clean enough to back in its sheath, though. Wasn’t like he couldn’t wash that too when they got home.) Then he took the meat from the grill, grabbing each piece to quickly transfer it to a bowl. He handed a bowl to each of the others.

Using Virgil’s pocket knife to cut their steaks into more manageable pieces, the three of them ate.

The two nagas watched curiously. “Why did you put it over the fire?” Remus asked.

“To cook it,” Logan explained. “We can’t eat raw meat like you can.”

Remus sniffed the air. “It smells different,” he commented.

“Tastes different too!” Patton said. “Wanna try a bite?”

The nagas perked up. “Yeah!” Roman said.

Patton got up. Using Virgil’s pocket knife, he carved off two large sections of cooking meat from over the fire, handing them up to the nagas. “Eat them slowly,” he said. “And be careful, they’re hot.”

Remus popped his piece into his mouth immediately, while Roman looked at his for a few moments first. Both nagas’ eyes widened at the flavor. “I like it!” Remus said around his piece of meat. Roman nodded agreement. “Roman, we gotta have ‘cook’ meat more often!”

“Did you see how much effort it took them to make it?” Roman scoffed. “Do you want to build a fire and take your prey to bits and carve a pointy stick every time you eat?” Remus pouted a little, and Roman chuckled. “Maybe we can try it sometimes. It is pretty tasty.”

The three humans each finished off their steaks, as well as getting seconds from the deer roasting over the fire, but even between the three of them, they couldn’t finish off the entire animal. Roman suggested they save it for the morning.

With full bellies and the late hour, the humans were starting to get quite tired. Logan had finally stowed his journal back in his bag, eyes too tired to stay open.

Virgil made sure the fire was out completely before looking around for a soft rock. None of them had brought a sleeping bag, since they’d originally planned to be home well before night fell.

Without asking, Roman picked Patton up again, bringing him over to the brothers’ nest.

“Hey,” Patton sleepily protested, wiggling. “Leggo.”

Roman curled up snugly in the indent, and Remus dragged himself in as well. As before, the twins coiled around each other. Roman settled Patton among their coils, but neither twin grabbed at him, so he didn’t mind.

“What about Logan? And Virgil.” He yawned. “They don’t have nowhere to sleep.”

Roman picked Logan up by the scruff and settled him against Patton. Remus managed to drag Virgil over and put him in the pile as well.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Logan asked, though he was tired enough that he didn’t try to move.

“Yeah, we won’t crush you, don’t worry,” Roman said with a yawn.

Remus didn’t do much more than grunt before he snuggled against one of the humans, loving that body heat.

Logan sighed slightly. “Virgil, do you still have Patton’s glasses case?”

“Yeah.” Virgil wriggled for a moment, pulling it from his pocket. Both bespectacled humans put their glasses inside, and he tucked it away again.

~~~~~

Chapter 3: The Part With the Vore (vore timeline)

Chapter 3: The Part With No Vore (non-vore timeline)

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles

This is a story co-written with @that-prey-lounge​! We’re pretty proud of it, and we hope you enjoy. (Note: I’m posting it on this account because there is vore in this story, but it's safe and soft when it occurs, and there are alternate, non-vore chapters for each of the chapters which contain vore!) 

Summary: 

Florida Man somehow befriends even the most dangerous of predators. 

“I can’t eat him. He’s too cute to be food!”

Or: The time Patton’s sheer adorableness not only saved him from becoming a meal to twin giant nagas, but netted Logan a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that any scientist would envy.

[masterpost]

Chapter 1: The Fateful Hunt

Word Count: 1.3 K

Summary: Patton manages to win himself a pair of very large, very hungry friends.

~~~~~

Cool air rushed through the deep forest, one of the first cold snaps of fall. The trees had recently exploded into bright reds, oranges, and yellows. Leaves swirled on the breeze, and the sun shone brightly.

The peace was only broken by two large creatures stalking prey through the shadows. One naga had deep green scales, covered in mud, and bright red eyes. The other had vibrant red scales and dazzling green eyes.

Both sets of eyes were locked on a human, crouched over a pretty rock. Under the sweater he wore against the cool weather, they could see that he had a good, full figure. He would be quite filling. And he was alone, no packmates to save him.

The two nagas made eye contact, exchanging a silent message, and moving as one, they pounced.

The human shrieked in surprise as Remus swiped at him, sending him stumbling into Roman, who immediately coiled his tail tightly around the struggling creature.

“And that,” Roman said, patting his red tail, “looks like my dinner. Thank you for the help, Remus.”

“Your dinner!?” Remus repeated indignantly.

“Yes, my dinner.” Roman tightened his coils slightly, beginning to constrict his prey. The human continued to squirm, but his strength was beginning to give out. “I caught it, I get to eat it.”

“Puh-leeze, you just grabbed it, I had to shove it at you.”

While the twins argued, the human continued to squirm, managing to pull a hand free as Roman shifted his coil once more. “H-hey!”

They froze and glanced down at the human, who was still wrapped up in Roman’s coils.

“I don’t want to interrupt, but, uh, is there any chance that you possibly… don’t eat me?”

Remus had to stifle a laugh. He lowered himself down to grin in the human’s face. “D’aaawww, the widdle human thinks it can get out. How cuute.” He glanced up at Roman. “Playing with our food is my thing, gimmee.”

Roman scoffed. “No! I’m going to eat it!”

“Then do it already so we can find my dinner! I’m starving!”

Roman used his hands to pull the human out of his coiled tail, lifting him toward his mouth. “Fine,” he muttered. “I never rush your meals, but go ahead and make me stuff it down before I get to kill it properly.”

The human squeaked, not unlike a mouse, and started to squirm more vigorously. “W-wait! Don’t eat me yet! I— I don’t want you to choke on my glasses!”

Roman paused and inspected the human. He did have something on his face, something made of glass and thin metal. That could leave a mark going down. After a moment’s consideration, he set the human on the ground, but kept a firm grip on him. “Take them off… and that bag.”

The human nodded. He slung the bag down from his shoulder, opening it. Roman worried for a moment that he was going to pull out a weapon of some sort, even though he was sure he could quickly disarm him. But instead, the human just pulled out a small box. He took the ‘glasses’ from his face, folded them up, and put them in the box, which he returned to the bag.

The little human squinted up at Roman and sighed quietly. “I guess I’m ready.”

Roman felt extremely conflicted as he took the human up in his hands again. He’d never had any prey actually care if anything they did would injure Roman.

They mostly just screamed and tried to either run or hurt the two nagas.

“Uh…” Roman trailed off, glancing down at the little human. “Thanks… for being so cooperative.”

“You’re welcome.” The human smiled and Roman just couldn’t. He couldn’t eat this precious little creature.

“What is the holdup , Roman!?” Remus hissed impatiently.

“I can’t eat him!” Roman held the human out, one hand under each arm. “Look at his face ! I - I just can’t let myself be responsible for eating this adorable creature!”

The human tilted his head and made a soft noise. It took everything Roman had to not drop him.

“What could possibly be so - oh.” Remus had almost circled Roman to see the human’s face and he stopped when he saw it. “Oh… that is really adorable.”

“I can’t eat him.” Roman set the human down, completely letting him go. “He’s too cute to be food!”

Remus opened his mouth, but shut it after a second. He loved to devour small, helpless creatures, but even he was having second thoughts about turning this little one into mush.

“Well… if… if he’s not going to be eaten… we can’t just leave him here. Those bears don’t have a heart like we do. They’d tear his sweet little flesh up to make winter fat without another thought.”

Roman nodded and scooped the human quickly up into his arms. “Then let’s get him somewhere safe.”

“Agreed.” Remus roughly grabbed the bag up, not noticing the glasses case fall out as the two brothers started up towards their cave.

The human wiggled a little, but didn’t struggle much. Just seemed to be getting comfortable in Roman’s arms. After a second, he piped up. “What are your names? I’m Patton. Patton Hart.”

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Patton.” Roman flashed his dazzling smile, remembering a minute too late that his sharp teeth could frighten Patton. Humans usually screamed louder when they saw his teeth. “My name is Roman, this is my twin brother, Remus.”

Remus lifted himself a little higher at the sound of his name. “Nice to meet you, sorry for wanting to eat you, we’re both just a little peckish.”

Roman glared, but Patton didn’t seem perturbed at all. They continued up towards the mountain.

It wasn’t too long until the three of them arrived at the mouth of the cave. Roman carried Patton in, setting the human down and allowing him to walk now.

“Welcome to our humble abode.” Roman gently squeezed one of Patton’s shoulders before heading deeper into where they slept.

“None of our other prey has ever seen it,” Remus snickered before herding Patton in.

“O-oh,” Patton said. “Well, then I’m honored to be the first.” He peered around him, looking oddly like he was trying to see through a thick fog. “What I can see of it, anyway.”

When Remus and Patton got to the sleeping portion of the cave, Roman was tossing things around in an attempt to try and tidy up the place. After a moment of gathering up discarded bones, he shoved them behind a rock, hoping Patton wouldn’t notice. Other scattered things were also shoved into piles, and he really tried to shove the assorted backpacks into the bottoms to hide them.

Remus flopped in the shallow indent they slept in, pulling and piling his long tail in. “Before we get dinner for real, I think I could use a nap.” He felt a thin bone under an arm and quickly threw it behind a rock.

Patton shuffled forward, squinting harder, and tripped over part of Remus’s tail. “Oh! Sorry! It’s dark, and I don’t have my glasses on.”

Roman sighed quietly and slithered into the indent, pulling Patton up between them. After a second, the twins snuggled closer, each of their tails trying to wrap around Patton.

He was warm. Deliciously so.

“You two are cuddlers, huh?” Patton squirmed a little as Remus managed to get a grip on him. “Not too tight, please. You’re both very big.”

Roman sighed, pulling Patton out from the loop of tail starting to coil around him. Remus whined slightly, but Roman pointed out, “Wouldn’t want to constrict him in our sleep,” and he had to concede. Instead, Roman held Patton in his hand as the two brothers coiled around each other, and when they were settled, he draped the human over their entwined tails.

It wasn’t hard for the brothers to drift off. They were exhausted from a long, unsuccessful hunt, and they had a lovely soft and warm heat source right in their bed. Patton, recently over a fright, found himself more tired than he ordinarily would be at this time of day, and he was not long in joining them in slumber.

~~~~~

Chapter 2: The Other Hikers

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Chapter 4 Home Again

Wordcount: 1.1 K

Summary: Dee-Dee, the micro naga, is relieved that his humans are home and safe, but terrified about who they befriended along the way.

Cowritten with @that-prey-lounge​!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

“Dee-Dee, we’re home!” Patton announced as they walked in the door. 

Their little mouser naga perked up from where he’d been sulking in his tank. “Patton! Logan! Virgil! You’re alive!” 

“Somehow.” Virgil scratched his head. “I’m gonna shower.” 

Patton immediately went over to his tank. “We’re so sorry, we got hung up in the woods. Oooh, I missed my little buddy so much.” He reached into the tank, meaning to pick Dee-Dee up, but the micro naga flinched away, pressing himself into the corner of his tank. “What’s wrong?”

“What is on your hands?!” he hissed, eyes extremely wide. “What— where have you all been?!” 

Now that Patton was close enough to the micro naga, his scent, as well as the ones clinging to him, permeated the air, and it sent all of Dee-Dee’s survival instincts into a frenzy.

“Well, uh, you see, we’d met a few people in the woods. Brothers, and, well—” 

“We ran into two giant nagas.” Logan clarified. “He can probably smell them on us.” 

Dee-Dee was positive his heart was going to pound out of his little chest. “And they didn’t eat you?! I don’t believe that. Why would they not eat you? Those— those mindless brutes don’t show mercy!”

“Hey, calm down kiddo. We’re not hurt.” Patton turned his hand palm up, and Dee-Dee cautiously approached, putting a tiny hand on Patton’s fingertips. Patton gently rubbed the little naga’s hair with his other hand. “We’re all okay.” 

Dee-Dee shuddered softly and started to wrap around Patton’s hand, keeping his mouth shut to dampen the smell.

Logan carefully patted Dee-Dee as well, comforting the micro naga as gently as he could.

“Would it help if I washed their scent off me?” Patton offered. Dee-Dee nodded. “Do you wanna sit on the counter and breathe the steam?” The little naga nodded again.

“Virgil’s showering right now,” Logan pointed out. “But you can be next.”

“Do you wanna see if Virgil will let you steam too?” Patton offered, but Dee-Dee grabbed his thumb possessively. “Or you can stay with me, that’s fine. How about if I wash my hands, though?” Dee-Dee nodded, but didn’t uncoil from around Patton’s fingers, so Patton just lifted him out of the tank and brought him over to the kitchen sink. Holding the little yellow naga just above the counter, Patton asked, “Gonna get off, or gonna get wet?”

Dee-Dee slithered down to the counter, and Patton pushed his sleeves up to wash his hands. After a moment, though, he changed his mind and took his sweater off entirely, draping it across a kitchen stool instead. Then he washed up, lathering the soap all the way to his elbows before rinsing it off, then did that again. Patton dried off, then presented his fingers to his naga.

“How’s that?”

Dee-Dee leaned forward, cautiously sniffing Patton’s fingers. His tongue flicked out of his mouth, then back in again. After a few moments, he nodded, climbing into Patton’s hand. He curled his tail around Patton’s fingers and hugged his thumb. Patton used his other hand to gently stroke Dee-Dee’s back and tail, and the little naga slowly relaxed.

After several minutes, Virgil popped his head into the common room, long hair wet. “Shower’s open,” he announced.

Patton paused his petting. “Dee-Dee?” he asked softly. “Do you want to come with me while I get my stuff, or wait in the bathroom?”

Half asleep, Dee-Dee patted Patton’s thumb.

“Okay,” Patton said, getting up. Going to his bedroom, he one-handedly gathered a change of clothes, then went into the bathroom. “Alright, Double Dee, down to the counter, please.”

Moving slowly and a bit reluctantly, Dee-Dee let go of Patton’s hand, slithering down to the counter. Patton set his clean clothes beside him, and after a moment, the naga went over to them and burrowed into the cloth. While he pulled all of his tail in behind him, Patton undressed, dropping his clothes onto the bathroom floor.

Dee-Dee poked his head and shoulders out from under Patton’s shirt, and Patton leaned down toward him.

“Okay if I kiss you?”

“Mm-hm,” Dee-Dee hummed. Patton leaned closer, planting a tiny kiss on the back of his naga’s head.

“Okay, I’m going to shower now,” Patton said, pulling away. The room was still a bit steamy from Virgil’s shower, and it didn’t take long for it to steam up again. When Patton came out, Dee-Dee had fallen asleep, and Patton had to be very careful getting his clothes, so as not to disturb him. He draped the sleepy little naga over his shoulders, one of Dee-Dee’s favorite perches now that he was long enough to hold on, and Dee-Dee instinctively coiled his tail loosely around Patton’s throat.

Patton passed through the living room on his way back to his bedroom to toss his dirty clothes in his hamper. Logan was there, working in his notebook, so Patton told him, “Shower’s open.” When Patton came back out from his bedroom with empty hands, Logan was gone. Patton sat on the couch, gently stroking Dee-Dee’s scales. After a few moments, Dee-Dee moved, curling around Patton’s arm instead. When Logan came out of the shower, Dee-Dee was in a loose spiral around Patton’s upper arm, his head resting on Patton’s shoulder.

Logan sat on the couch beside them, picking up his notebook again. He opened it to one of the pages where he’d meticilously sketched the details of Roman’s teeth, making a few more marks. Dee-Dee spoke up.

“That’s actual size?”

“As close to it as I remember,” Logan admitted. “Though I do have a few pictures for reference.” 

Dee-Dee squeezed Patton’s arm a little tighter. The thought of his humans close to teeth like that made him uneasy. Logan flipped through the pages, and Dee-Dee caught glimpses of other sketches. A giant naga curled up asleep with a human, dwarfed in comparison, leaning against his coils. Both nagas towering over the point of view. A half-finished sketch of a naga casually holding an entire deer in his hands. Dee-Dee shuddered, gripping Patton’s shirt sleeve securely in his fists and simultaneously tightening the grip of his tail even further around Patton’s arm as though it was the only thing preventing Patton from being taken away from him again.

“It’s okay,” Patton soothed, cupping his other hand around Dee-Dee. “We’re home now, and we’re safe.” He stroked the little naga gently, and Dee-Dee gradually relaxed again, nuzzling into Patton’s palm. Still, he refused to let Patton out of his sight — or even out of his coils — for the rest of the day.

~~~~~

Chapter 5: Dinner Guests (With Vore)

Chapter 5: Dinner Guests (No Vore)

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Chapter 3 The Part With No Vore

Wordcount: 3.7 K

Summary: Shenanigans are had. Logan is a hardcore nerd and is given gifts. Patton is the most adorable creature in the room.

Note: This is the non-vore version of chapter 3. Instead of noms, there are Shenanigans. Because of that, the chapter is nearly entirely different in content from the vore version. After Patton wakes up, the two timelines start to merge again.

Cowritten with @that-prey-lounge!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

Morning dawned, and the sun rose, taking its singular opportunity of the day to cast light into the usually dark recesses of the cave. The two large nagas began to stir. The three humans did not, at first.

“Awww,” Remus said in a whisper. “Roman, look.”

Roman leaned in, looking at the three sleeping humans nestled in the center of their coils. They had snuggled up to each other during the night, similar to how the naga brothers coiled together.

Patton was snuggled up to Virgil’s back with an arm over Virgil’s side, holding onto his upper cloth covering. Logan lay sprawled out on a slightly higher loop of tail on the other side of Virgil, one arm flopped over the taller man, and one of his legs hooked around Virgil’s.

“They’re adorable,” Roman whispered back.

A beam of light fell across Logan’s face, and he began to stir. Remus shifted to put him back in shadow, but it was too late. Logan yawned an adorable bitty yawn and opened his eyes.

For a few moments, all was still. The twins looked down at Logan. Logan looked back up at them. He blinked for a few moments, then sat up. “Good morning.” He yawned again, stretching.

“Good morning,” Remus echoed, lowering himself a bit.

“Did you sleep well?”

Logan nodded. He still looked drowsy, to be honest, but didn’t seem interested in going back to sleep. Instead, he looked around. “There’s light.”

“Yeah, we get some of the first rays of sun.” Roman whispered, softly stroking Logan’s hair. “It’s still early, little one.”

Logan blinked. Turning to his friends, he dipped his hand into the cloth pouch Virgil wore, retrieving the small blue box Patton had put his ‘glasses’ in yesterday afternoon. Opening it, he withdrew his own pair, settling them back on his face. Then he returned the box and gently shook Virgil’s shoulder. “Virgil, wake up.”

He grunted softly and cracked an eye open. The young man glanced around and groaned. “Of course it wasn’t a nightmare.” Virgil rolled over a little, reaching for Patton to wake him up, but before he could, Remus tightly grabbed him by the arm.

“Don’t wake him,” he hissed lowly.

With wide eyes, Virgil nodded and settled back into his previous position. He caught Logan’s eyes, mouthing a plea for help.

Logan bit his lip, glancing between the twins and Virgil. “Can you remove your hoodie? That will leave Patton with something to hold onto.”

Virgil nodded before pulling his arms out of the sleeves and slowly ducking out of his hoodie. Once freed, Virgil sat up and moved away from Patton.

Logan glanced up at Roman, whose coil he was leaning on, and softly asked, “Can Virgil and I get out?”

Roman nodded, while Remus gently cooed at Patton, softly stroking his back.

Logan vaulted over the thick coil, then turned back to help Virgil scramble out of the living nest.

“Mark that off my ‘list of life-threatening events I never would’ve got into if I stayed home,’” Virgil grumbled. “Sleeping in the coils of two giant naga.”

Logan glanced up at the twins, brushing himself off and straightening his clothes. Roman was lounging across their tails, green eyes gently staring down at Patton. Remus was likewise ignoring the other two humans in favor of softly cooing over Patton. He was clearly both their favorite.

“It seems Dee-Dee isn’t the only naga that likes Patton best.” Logan adjusted his glasses before turning to Virgil. “I think we’re stuck until he wakes up on his own.”

“Well, if we’re not going anywhere for a while, I’m starting another fire.” Virgil strode across the cave floor to the wood pile. “It’s getting dark again.”

It was true that the cave was growing dimmer. As the sun rose further, the shadows crept forward again. Virgil crouched by the dead fire with more kindling and his matches.

“Virgil, before you do that.” Logan poked through the ashes and burnt sticks from yesterday’s fire. “May I take a rubbing of your scales?” he asked, turning back to the twins.

“A what?” Roman finally tore his eyes away from Patton, still sleeping soundly.

“A rubbing.” Logan held up his notebook and a blackened stick. “I would lay a page of paper against your scales, and then rub this against it to mark the page, so that it leaves an impression of the shape of your scales.”

“Will it hurt?” Remus asked, looking up.

“No.”

“Aw.”

“You may rub my scales,” Roman said. He didn’t move, so Logan recrossed the cave back to him. He opened his book, laying a page over the back of Roman’s tail.

“Hm. Virgil, would you give me a hand?”

“Just a sec.” Virgil finished lighting the fire, then came over. “What do you need?”

“Would you hold my notebook in place? In order to get the page to lie smoothly against the curved surface, the spine ought to go lengthwise along his tail, and although it is wide enough to hold the notebook without slipping, I would still be concerned about it sliding at some point while I make the rubbing, which would mar the details. I could tear the page out, but I would prefer for it to remain with the rest of my notes.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Virgil rolled his eyes, putting his hands on the notebook. Logan smiled gratefully at him, beginning to coat the page with charcoal in long, sure strokes. Gradually, the shapes of the scales underneath began to show through.

“One of the benefits of this,” Logan commented as he worked, “is that in addition to having documentation of the shape of the scales, the drawing is to scale.”

Remus leaned over them, peering curiously at the rubbing. “Looks kinda like a shed skin,” he commented, “’cept black instead of white.”

“Well, it is similar to a shed,” Logan agreed. “Both are imprints of the shape of the scales underneath, though—” He cut himself off suddenly, looking up. “You wouldn’t happen to have… to have kept a shed skin, would you?”

“Oh, yeah, we keep everything,” Remus said.

“May I see one?” Logan asked, visibly restraining himself from vibrating with excitement.

Remus grinned, carefully extracting himself from the bundle of tails and slithering into the shadows. With his twin gone, Roman cradled Patton in his arms. The sleeping human merely rolled over, hugging Roman’s arm. The giant naga gasped softly, staring down at Patton with the same expression that Patton himself got when the neighbor’s fluffy puppy climbed into his lap: wide-eyed and adoring surprise.

Logan returned to his rubbing, eyes alight with excitement. Just as Logan finished it, Remus returned with the biggest shed skin either human had ever seen in his hands. Caught up in his excitement, Logan nearly fumbled his research notes over to Virgil to reach for it. A second later, he pulled his hands back in dismay, realizing that his palms were absolutely covered with black charcoal. He wiped it off on his jeans, leaving them filthy but his hands clean.

“Virgil, look!” Logan whisper-shouted. “It’s enormous!”

Virgil softly nodded, once again overwhelmed by the size of these creatures. He could hold Dee-Dee’s sheddings in one hand; this could be wrapped around a small car. Maybe even around their house. Probably not their house. The nagas weren’t that long. Were they?

Remus set the shed skin in front of Logan, who immediately started looking it over, grinning broadly. “It looks to be fully intact,” he said in his Excited Scientist voice. Virgil scrambled with the notebook to find a blank page and start taking notes again. “Judging by the color — it is faintly green, and I see a bit of pattern on the back, though the lighting in here isn’t the best — this is one of Remus’s shed skins.” He ran his hand down the skin. “By the dryness, I would guess it was shed some time ago. It’s fairly stiff. This is the inside, of course; that implies that giant nagas, as with snakes and micro nagas, turn their skins inside-out as they shed.” He bounced a little on his toes, unable to keep from bodily expressing some of his excitement. “This is incredible. Even in this poor light, it’s like looking at it under a microscope.” He looked up at the twins again. “Would you mind if I kept a sample?”

Roman softly scoffed. “You brought them that old thing? Remus, we have better ones, fresher ones.“

Logan had stars in his eyes as he gazed up at them, awestruck. “Really?”

Roman nodded and sat up. After a second he held Patton out to Remus like he was a baby being passed between parents. “Here, don’t wake him.”

Remus very carefully took Patton in his hands and then cradled the human to his chest, sighing happily, a big grin on his lips. “As if I would ever. He’s the cutest while he sleeps.”

Roman nodded in agreement, then vanished deeper into the cave. Virgil eyed Remus warily, but he just cooed and rocked Patton gently.

“Ah ha! I knew I stored that shedding from a few weeks ago across those rocks.” Roman slithered back after a minute, a different shedding in his arms. “Here you go, Logan, the best shedding we have.”

Logan’s eyes widened. “You said it was shed only a few weeks ago?” he repeated eagerly, stepping forward.

“Yep!” Roman placed it in front of Logan, sliding Remus’s old shed off to the side dismissively. “Felt real good coming off, too.”

“You brought one of yours?” Remus asked, frowning.

“Well, duh. Obviously he would prefer my gorgeous scales over your filthy ones.”

“My scales are the most natural between us. He wants the most natural scales.”

“You roll in the mud! How is that more natural than my beautiful scales?“

“All that time you spend cleaning your scales down at the river is not natural.”

“Roman’s scales do have the advantage of being easier to study, being clean,” Logan put in almost absently, head bent over the molt. “However, I must admit, Remus has the more interesting pattern.”

Both puffed up with pride, slightly glaring at the other.

Logan glanced up, seeming to just now realize how serious the argument was getting. “Honestly, I would absolutely love to take home a sample from each of you, if you’re willing to provide it.”

“Logan, what would you even do with two giant naga skins?” Virgil asked with a laugh. “You could probably carpet our entire house with just one!”

“It would be more like tile,” Logan said thoughtfully.

Virgil’s eyes widened in alarm. “Nope! No, Logan, you are not replacing our floors with naga hide!” he said firmly, hoping to dislodge the idea before it took root.

“It wouldn’t be the same as an attached skin, or like a pelt would be,” Logan conceded after a moment. “When it’s shed, all the wrinkles of skin between the scales for mobility stretch out. That’s why shed skins are always bigger than the snakes — or nagas — that shed them. It’s probably durable enough, though, especially if we applied a sealant.”

“No flooring,” Virgil repeated. “What would you do when we eventually move out?”

“Hm.” Logan rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Virgil covered Logan’s mouth. “We’re not replacing our flooring, period.”

Logan finally backed down. “It’s okay if I take part of this home, right?” he asked.

Roman laughed. “You can have the whole thing if you want!”

“I’m not sure I could carry the entire thing,” Logan said, looking down the length of the tail. “I do believe it’s well over a hundred feet long, and the diameter is certainly more than fifteen at its thickest.”

“Then I guess just take some,” Roman conceded, looking amused.

“Virgil, may I borrow your knife?”

Virgil nodded, pulling it from his boot and handing it over. Logan considered the red molt some more, deciding where to cut. In the end, he settled on taking a section, about ten feet long, from the waist end, where it was the biggest around. He used Virgil’s knife to slice through the slightly thinner skin connecting the scales, murmuring to himself about how amazing the shedding was.

“If you think that’s cool, you should see our shed teeth.” Remus chuckled softly, nuzzling Patton gently.

Virgil saw Logan’s head pop up like a gopher, and that gleam in his eyes. “You’ve kept…”

Roman just grinned, his teeth flashing in the firelight.

Logan seemed to be at a loss for words, so Virgil translated his excited wiggles: “He’d love to see them.”

Roman started for the back of the cave again, and Remus called after him, “Ro, bring one of my newer sheds out too.”

When the red naga returned, he carried a handful of teeth and a green shedding draped over his shoulder. “I didn’t touch your teeth, Re, I know you’ve got your weird chaotic organization system over there.” Roman spread his teeth in front of Logan, setting Remus’s skin a bit off to the side. “You can keep as many of these as you want.”

Logan picked through the teeth, fascinated. “Virgil, are you seeing this?”

“Yes, Lo, got a pretty good close-up view of them yesterday, too,” Virgil reminded him.

“Oh, yes, but it pales in comparison to actually being able to hold one of them.” Logan carefully held one of the teeth, eyes wide behind his glasses. “They’re beautiful.”

Roman blushed slightly. Remus shifted Patton to one arm and vanished into the back of the cave once more.

“Did all of these shed naturally? Or were some knocked out?” Logan asked, inspecting the teeth for damage. “I notice that they’re primarily your smaller teeth, from the inner row on the roof of your mouth, and that they have dulled points.”

Roman rubbed his neck. “Most of mine are shed. I don’t fight with my teeth much.”

“I do!” Remus slithered back out, a choice three fangs in his free hand. “Only one of these was shed, but it’s from the most recent.”

Logan gently started to inspect Remus’s teeth while the naga settled down, still holding Patton. The shed one— at least he assumed it was the shed one— was mostly intact. However the tip was practically nonexistent, ground down from use.

“They’re wonderful.” Logan grinned and set it aside.

The next tooth had a large chip out of it. Logan let his fingertips explore the imperfection. Virgil looked up at Remus. “What’s the story for that one? Bite a phone pole?”

“A rock, actually.” Remus grinned. “Didn’t notice I’d accidentally picked one up with my prey.”

Logan glanced at the last one, tilting his head slightly. The tooth was nearly broken in two. “And what about this one?”

“Oh, that one.” Remus grinned. “There was this hu- er, huge deer, and it was a real struggler. Damn thing managed to kick me in the teeth before I managed to swallow it up.”

“I thought you killed all your prey.”

“Normally, yes.” Remus shrugged. “But we were in a rush, and besides, that was the last time I’ve eaten live prey.”

“Must’ve been a real strong deer,” Virgil said, impressed. He eyed the broken tooth. So the huge predators did meet their match a little bit. At least once. Though the deer had still gotten eaten, so he supposed being that strong didn’t really do it much good in the end.

“Yeah, sharp, uh… sharp hooves,” Remus agreed, picking that tooth back up and looking at it. “But, it wasn’t as embarrassing as Roman here faceplanting into a tree and getting a tooth stuck in the trunk!”

“You shoved me down the hill!”

“And you rolled directly into a tree and bit it,” Remus chortled.

Roman growled lowly, shoulders tensing. “Why I oughta—”

“Sh!” Remus hissed softly, cutting him off. “You’ll wake Patton.” He softly nuzzled the young man in his arms.

Patton started to squirm, and unlike the other times Patton had shifted, it seemed this time he was actually waking up. Roman softly whined, stroking Patton’s hair and trying to soothe him back to sleep. But Patton continued to wriggle, and his eyes opened slightly. He yawned and tried to sit up in Remus’s arms.

Remus very gently set Patton on his tail and let the little human stretch. “You’re so cute,” he cooed.

Virgil gave a half smile as he watched Patton continue to be cooed and fawned over by the two enormous nagas. Logan was too busy packing away his samples to really take note of it.

“Is it morning?” Patton stood and stretched his legs.

Virgil nodded. “You missed the sunrise. Shone right in here, if only for a minute.”

Patton shook himself out and softly hugged Virgil. “Well, good morning, then.”

Logan walked over, still beaming from all the samples he had: sheddings and teeth and pictures and his own multitude of notes. He squeezed Patton in a hug, slightly lifting the shorter human for a moment. “I apologize for ever doubting the power of your friendliness.”

“It’s alright.” Patton hugged him back.

Virgil stood, wiping his hands on his pants. “Hate to be That Guy, but… we should probably get going.”

“Aww,” Patton said, disappointed. “I just woke up.”

Virgil sighed. “Dee-Dee will be missing you,” he pointed out. “We were supposed to be home yesterday.”

Patton’s eyes widened. “Oh, you’re right!” he cried, dismayed.

“Who’s Dee-Dee?” Remus asked.

“Our mouser naga,” Virgil explained, sticking his hands in his hoodie pocket. They bumped against Patton’s glasses case, reminding him. He pulled it out and offered it to Patton, who gratefully took it, putting his glasses on.

“Mouser… naga?” Roman repeated.

Patton nodded. “I’m allergic to cats.” Ordinarily, this was enough to explain everything, but from the look on the twins’ faces, it did not.

“What is a mouser naga?” Roman asked.

“What’s allergic?” Remus added.

“They’re nagas, like you guys, but really little.” Patton estimated about two or so feet with his hands. “Dee-Dee is only about this big. He’s just a little fella, and he used to be even smaller, but he’s been growing. I bought him a while ago because we had a real bad mouse problem, but he’s part of the family now.”

The twins blinked owlishly at each other. “We didn’t know those things existed.”

“What did you think I was referring to when I mentioned smaller nagas earlier?” Logan asked.

Roman shrugged. “Juveniles?”

Remus estimated the size with his own hands and shook his head. “I don’t think we were ever that small before.”

Logan shrugged. “Humans have been basing assumptions of your species off the observation of the micro naga, since it’s dangerous to study you directly. Obviously that resulted in some errors. It’s a shame we have to go; this has been a very informative outing.”

Roman tsked loudly, shaking his head. “Looks like Remus and I might need to let you come back and poke at us more.”

Logan practically lit up. “Would you really?” he asked eagerly.

“Of course, if it’ll help your understanding.”

Virgil sighed quietly. “And the nerd is going to bounce off the walls.”

Logan nodded, grinning broadly. “This is splendid!” he said. “I can get my equipment, and conduct a proper study. I may be the first person to ever have this opportunity.”

Remus scooped Patton up, hugging him softly. “All because this little dumpling won us over.”

Logan paused. “That’s right. Patton, I owe you. Thank you.”

Patton grinned. “Can we eat something before we go? I’m hungry.”

Virgil considered. “All we have is our snacks and room temperature venison.” He glanced at the deer. “Which I’m thinking we probably shouldn’t eat.”

Logan nodded agreement. “It’s been sitting out too long.”

Remus perked up. “Dibs!” He set Patton back on his feet next to the other two humans and slithered over to what remained of the deer, sweeping the meat up into his hands. Roman hissed slightly as it vanished into Remus’s stomach.

“You glutton!”

“You snooze, you lose.” Remus shrugged, licking his lips.

“You didn’t even savor it!”

As the twins devolved once more into arguing, the three humans collected their gear, making sure everything was in place. They split Logan’s new treasures between them, though Logan carried the heaviest portion. Virgil passed out snacks.

After they’d eaten, Patton strode over to the twins, just finishing up their argument. “We need to go home now,” he said, lifting his arms for a hug. Roman immediately obliged, scooping him up.

Remus chewed his lip, resisting the urge to just coil around the three of them and never let go. “We’ll escort you to the edge of our territory.”

Logan nodded. “Sounds reasonable, considering someone got us lost.” He side-eyed Virgil, who at least had the grace to look a little embarrassed.

~~~

It didn’t take long before the nagas complained that humans walked too slowly. That was all the warning they got before they were scooped up into huge arms. Roman lifted Logan, while Remus, already carrying Patton — he’d refused to set him down again after their hug, and Patton hadn’t objected — scooped Virgil up with his other hand. With both hands full, Remus had trouble getting the humans settled, and inadvertently squished them together.

“Remus,” Roman scolded lightly. Holding Logan against his chest with one hand, he used the other to help his brother reposition. Remus ended up with a human in each arm, half leaning on his chest.

“Comfy?”

Virgil squirmed a bit, more uncomfortable with the situation than with his position. “It’s fine.”

Traveling like that, they covered ground much more quickly. Soon, they reached the edge of the twins’ territory. Although they stopped, the nagas looked very hesitant to set their new friends down. Patton patted Remus’s arm. “It’s okay,” he said. “We’ll come back to visit.”

“Promise me?”

Patton nodded. “I promise.”

Logan brushed himself off. “Of course we’ll return. I’ve been promised cooperation in clearing up biological misconceptions.”

Virgil tightly hugged himself while everyone said their goodbyes. When it came his turn, he gently patted Roman on the forearm. “Thanks… for not eating us.”

“You’re welcome.” Roman softly ruffled his hair. “Take care of yourselves.”

The three humans continued forward, with more than a few backwards glances at their large new friends.

~~~~~

Chapter 4: Home Again

If you wanna know what really happened to Remus's broken tooth, you can read that here, but please, heed the warnings on it. It is not a nice story.

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Chapter 6 Snuggles in the Living Room

Wordcount: ~900 words

Summary: The others get home and have to figure out where they’re spending the night.

Note: This version of chapter 6 only occurs in the non-vore timeline. In the vore timeline, chapter 6 is Panic in the Living Room and is completely different!

Cowritten with @that-prey-lounge​!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

Logan and Virgil had known that the twins were coming over for dinner, so they’d been expecting that when they opened their front door they’d find giant nagas in the living room. That apparently didn’t mean they were quite prepared to see it, however. The twins looked far bigger within the confines of a house than they did out in nature, surrounded by trees that at least were still taller than them. Their intercoiled tails covered the entire living room floor and part of the sofa.

“Well,” Virgil said, taking off his jacket to hang it in the entry closet. “That’s something you don’t see every day.”

“Indeed,” Logan agreed.

“Patt said he’d make us plates, right?” Virgil headed for the kitchen. A few moments later, he called back, “Found ’em. Want me to nuke yours for you, Lo?”

“Yes, please.” Logan picked his way over to the table and pulled out his notebook, immediately starting to sketch the giant nagas stretched out in the living room.

They were only still enough to sketch in detail when sleeping, it seemed. The twins moved a lot, and they would absently constrict things.

Hopefully the furniture survived their visit.

“Hey, Logan, correct me if I’m wrong.” Virgil set a plate in front of Logan. “But… do they have clothes on?“

“It seems so.“ Logan raised an eyebrow. “I’ll have to get a closer look. I wonder how it’s constructed.”

“Eat first, then poke our guests.”

“Very well.” Logan picked up his fork and started to eat, still looking at the nagas. “It’s minimal clothing, but clothing nonetheless.” Catching a glimpse of white on Remus’s belts, he frowned thoughtfully. “Are those… bones?”

“Don’t judge, you have more bones in your room than any goth I know.” Virgil sat down beside him, eating. “Is that Patton and Dee-Dee over there?”

Logan glanced over. Sure enough, Patton was snuggled down on top of the twins’ tails, Dee-Dee on top of him. “It seems to be so.”

“Should we get him down?”

“He seems at ease, and we know the twins aren’t going to constrict Patton while they’re asleep.”

“True. We’ve slept in those coils before.”

“Indeed.”

“And they’re gentle. With us, anyway.”

Logan nodded, mouth full of food.

“In conclusion… don’t bother them.”

“Elementary.”

Virgil scooped up a forkful of mashed potatoes, holding it as though to flick it at Logan. “Shut up, Sherlock.”

Logan threw his arms over his book to protect it, but Virgil just stuffed the potatoes in his mouth.

Soon, the pair had finished their food, and were trying to figure out the rest of the night.

“How are we supposed to get to our rooms?”

Logan eyed the giant nagas and their roommate asleep on top of them. The large tails blocked off all three doorways leading off of the living room. He could see a small triangle in the upper corner of his own, but that was it, and it wasn’t even big enough to squeeze through. “I suspect that we’re not. But, at least we can still access the bathroom.”

Virgil shrugged as he took the plates back to the kitchen to put in the sink. “When in Rome…”

While Virgil washed their dishes, Logan toed his shoes off in the entryway, knowing that he’d be unable to avoid stepping on the thick coils. First he picked his way over to the couch, setting his notebook and drawing supplies on the empty cushion. Then, he crossed over to Patton, taking care not to tread too hard on the twins’ bodies.

Dee-Dee lay on Patton’s chest, the end of his tail looped once around Patton’s neck. Logan carefully slid a hand under his belly, lifting him up and untangling him from Patton. It wouldn’t be safe for someone so tiny to be stuck between two sleeping creatures so big, no matter how careful they were while awake.

Dee-Dee stirred, tiny hands grasping at Logan’s wrist. “Patton…”

“It’s alright, Dee-Dee,” Logan assured him softly. “I’m just moving you over to your tank for the night.”

Dee-Dee frowned, reaching for Patton. “Patton,” he said again, more insistently.

“Virgil and I will make sure he’s safe,” Logan promised. “But you gotta go to your own bed. You know that Patton would be devastated if anything happened to you.”

Dee-Dee pouted, but he allowed Logan to carry him over to his tank and set him inside.

“Sleep well, Dee-Dee,” Logan said, running a finger briefly down the little naga’s spine.

Dee-Dee nodded, still pouting, and slithered into his nest, burying himself in the substrate.

Logan made his way to the empty couch cushion again and buried himself in his sketches. Patton lounging among the coils, one of the twins’ torsos not far behind him, was too good an image to not get down.

Virgil finished up in the kitchen and immediately clambered up onto the coils. “Is it bad I missed this scaley bed? Snuggled up to Patton, between two ferocious beasts you know care?”

Logan shook his head. “It is comforting to many to have much physical contact.”

“Don’t stay up too late.” Virgil sighed happily and snuggled down, burying his face in Patton’s shoulder.

Logan smiled. “I won’t,” he murmured.

~~~~~

Epilogue

[nommy-thoughts]

Danger Noodles Chapter 5 Dinner Guests (no vore version)

Wordcount: 2.9 K

Summary: Patton invited his new friends over for dinner! Dee-Dee doesn’t approve.

Note: This chapter belongs to the non-vore timeline. Most of the chapter (the first 2.5 thousand words) is the same in both timelines, but after the line “Wanna sleep with Remus and me instead?” the timelines diverge for the remainder of the story. (vore version)

Cowritten with @that-prey-lounge​!

[Danger Noodles Masterpost]

~~~~~

Patton hummed happily to himself, checking on the meat one more time. It was coming along nicely, just as it had been all the other times he’d looked at it.

Dee-Dee, coiled loosely around Patton’s neck and draped over his shoulders like a scarf, tasted the air. “It smells really good, Patton,” he said.

“You think so?” Patton asked, still concerned. The little naga tugged on his earlobe in fond exasperation.

“Yes, Patton. You’re a good cook.”

“Thanks. I just— I wanna make a good impression, you know?”

Dee-Dee frowned. “I thought you said they were your friends?” he said. “Don’t they already like you?”

“Yes, but this is the first time they’ve really had anybody cook for them, and the first time they’ve come over instead of us visiting them.” Patton had roasted meat over the fire for them with Virgil’s help the other times they’d visited, but that had been the extent of it. “I want to make sure they enjoy themselves.”

Dee-Dee quietly nuzzled against Patton’s cheek. “I just don’t like Logan and Virgil not being here with you.”

“You know as much as I do that Logan didn’t want to work the late shift, but nobody could cover for him.” Patton would have shrugged, but he had to be careful not to shift his shoulders too much. “They’ll be home after dinner.”

Dee-Dee didn’t voice his concerns on Patton being eaten, as the humans had been out with the nagas several times already, always coming home safely. Instead, Dee-Dee just laid back down on Patton’s shoulders, sighing quietly.

Hopefully everything went okay.

Several minutes ticked by, and then someone knocked on the door. “That might be the twins!” Patton wiped his hands on his pants. Dee-Dee clung tightly to Patton’s shirt while he went to the door.

When Patton opened the door, Dee-Dee’s throat went dry. They were enormous. Dee-Dee had gradually gotten used to their scent, as every time his humans visited the giant nagas, they came back covered with it, so at least the mere smell of them didn’t throw him into a panic, but they were still just so big! Twin red and green nagas smiled, slipping in through the door one after the other. They barely fit through the doorway, and had to wriggle awkwardly to squeeze themselves into the house. Once they were inside, they took up most of the living room, and their tails tangled together as they got settled.

Patton had mentioned once that the giant nagas didn’t seem to have any clothes, but apparently they had decided to dress up for the occasion. Each naga wore a cloth sash running diagonally across his chest, similar in color to their scales, though the green one was somewhat frayed. The red naga wore a belt made of white, intricately knotted rope around his waist, while the green naga had several leather belts where his human-like torso connected to his tail, with bones sewn decoratively onto them.

“You two look really nice.” Patton shut the door after their tails were completely clear, following the giant nagas into the living room. “You didn’t have to dress up.”

“We wanted to.” The red naga put a hand jauntily on his hip. “It’s the first time in a long time that we’ve been out of the woods.”

Dee-Dee softly cleared his throat.

Patton perked up a bit. “Oh, yeah. Dee-Dee, these are my friends, Roman,” He gestured to the red naga, “And his twin brother, Remus.” The green naga smirked, showing off huge teeth. “And this is Dee-Dee,” Patton finished, gently lifting Dee-Dee’s torso with his hand. The little naga clung to Patton’s fingers, staring up at the giant nagas with wide eyes.

They leaned in closer, murmuring their greetings, eyes wide at seeing something so small.

“Oh, he is tiny!” Roman cooed adoringly. He started to reach for the much smaller naga, but Dee-Dee hissed nervously at him, and Roman pulled his finger away again. “Feisty little thing, isn’t he?”

Patton giggled, running a finger down Dee-Dee’s spine. “Yes,” he said. “He’s very protective of me, too.”

“Glad someone is taking care of our little Patton.” Remus softly patted Patton on his head.

Dee-Dee hissed again. “My Patton!” he corrected. “I’m his favorite noodle! He said!”

“I like him.” Remus pulled his hand back. “We’ve got competition, Roman.”

“I’ll enjoy the challenge.” Roman stuck his tongue out briefly. “Mmm. What smells so good?”

Patton beamed. “I made ham!”

“Sounds wonderful, Patton,” Roman said. “What’s ham?”

“It’s the back leg of a pig, but I guess none of you have ever had pig meat before.”

“I have,” Dee-Dee interjected. “I like pork sausages.”

“Yes, I know you do,” Patton said soothingly. He looked up at the giant nagas again. “Have you two had pig before?”

“Can’t say we have.” Roman rubbed the back of his neck. “There’s only so far we can go to hunt in our neck of the woods.”

Patton glanced back at the kitchen. “I should go back in there and make sure nothing’s burning,” he said, uncoiling Dee from around his shoulders. He set the small naga on the end table beside the couch. “Play nice, boys. I’ll be back soon.”

Dee-Dee watched sadly as Patton vanished through the doorway into the kitchen, then looked slowly up at the giant nagas. They gazed back with eyes bigger than Dee-Dee’s entire body. Fear ran down the length of his spine and he was suddenly, violently aware that it wasn’t just his Patton who was in danger. He nervously started to coil himself into a ball.

Remus was the first to break the silence. “D’aaaawww, Roman.” He lowered himself a fair bit to get a better look. “Look at the widdle snakey. He’s adorable!”

Roman nodded, grinning. “I can see why Patton is so attached to him. Cute little thing.”

Dee-Dee swallowed nervously, then raised himself up a little. “I— I’m still a good hunter! I can catch my weight in mice in a day.”

“That so?” Roman asked. “I’m surprised you’re not fatter, then.”

Dee-Dee sank down slightly. “W-well, I ate all the mice, and they’re gone now.”

“I love rats.” Remus licked his lips. “The other day I found a nest in the base of a tree. Tore it open, too. Most of the pups were nearly full grown, so I had a nice handful of the little squeakers.”

Dee-Dee decided it might be best to not speak, instead trying to make himself look less like a mouthful. The giant brothers fell awkwardly silent as well.

Remus was prodding curiously at the furniture, murmuring to himself, when Patton came back a few minutes later, setting a large, heavy tray on the dinner table. “Food’s ready!”

All three nagas perked up. Noting Dee-Dee’s nervous body language, Patton picked the little naga up and draped him around his shoulders again. Dee-Dee settled into place. Tugging on Patton’s ear, he said softly, “I don’t wanna be down. Don’t put me back down.”

“Oh, okay.” Patton carefully stroked his head. “I won’t.”

Patton had already boxed up two plates for the other members of the household for when they got home, knowing that otherwise there probably wouldn’t be any leftovers. He hummed quietly while he served himself a plate, grabbing a slightly larger slice of ham he could share with Dee-Dee.

Once Patton was sitting calmly at the table, he gestured for the twins to get whatever they liked.

The two were extremely hesitant as they slithered closer. Almost none of the food was familiar to them, but they didn’t want to seem rude or ungrateful, especially after all the effort Patton had obviously put into making the meal.

“Everything looks great, Patton,” Roman said diplomatically. “What is it all?”

Patton had been cutting up the ham on his plate, but he paused. “Oh. Geez, I forgot. You’ve both been living off whatever you can hunt in the forest all your lives. You wouldn’t know what all this is.”

He stood up, Dee-Dee tightening his grip ever so slightly for stability. “C’mon kiddos. Lemme tell you what I made.” Patton pointed to the large pile of steaming pink meat. “This is the ham, the main course. Like I mentioned, it’s pig meat, and it’s also got an assortment of special spices. Then here, these are mashed potatoes. You can eat some plant matter, right?”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah, a bit, but it doesn’t taste as good as meat.”

Patton nodded. “Hopefully you’ll like the potatoes anyway!” he said cheerfully. “I have a pretty good recipe, if I dare say so myself.” Moving down the table, he continued, “This is bread. I’d usually make smaller rolls for this kinda meal, but you’re kinda a lot bigger than the people I usually have over, so,” he laughed, “I made full-sized loaves instead.” Finally, he lifted the smaller pot at the end. “This is gravy. It’s like a thick meat juice, and you pour it over your ham or potatoes.”

Roman licked his lips. “It looks delicious, Patton,” he assured the human. “Is all that for us?”

Patton nodded. “I know you two have big appetites. I already put aside enough for the rest of us.” He went back to his chair and sat down again. “Sorry I don’t have plates big enough for you,” he said with a chuckle. “Or silverware. But I got some serving platters out, maybe you can use those?”

The two brothers eyed the food, deciding what to try first, then took the plates that Patton had set aside for them and piled them high. Remus piled his plate so full of meat that he didn’t have room for any bread, so he just put the loaf directly in his mouth as he settled at the table. Roman managed to fit a bit of everything on his plate, but he held an extra bread roll delicately between his front teeth.

Patton set aside a small portion of ham for Dee-Dee, who slowly unwound himself from around Patton’s neck and slithered down his arm. Still keeping his tail looped possessively around Patton’s wrist, Dee-Dee picked up a chunk of ham and nibbled on it.

The twins glanced between Patton and each other, then, after a second, dug into the plates they had prepared.

They didn’t mind getting messy while eating, but tried to contain the mess to their face and hands instead of everywhere else.

Dee-Dee was slightly disgusted as he settled closer to Patton. He always did his best to have manners while he ate around his humans, but these two were acting like savages. However, Patton didn’t seem that upset, so Dee-Dee let it slide.

“Enjoying your food, kiddo?” Patton broke the relative silence.

Dee-Dee swallowed the chunk of ham quickly and nodded. “Mhm! It’s delicious! I’m just… a little distracted by our guests.”

Patton offered the micro naga another piece of ham, but dipped in gravy. Dee-Dee happily took it and started to eat, inching closer to Patton’s plate.

After a few more minutes, Patton glanced up at the giant nagas, who were occupied with eating. Remus had gravy on his face where he’d torn into one of the full hams. Roman was thoughtfully chewing his bread.

“Enjoying everything, kiddos?”

Patton got two enthusiastic nods in return for his question.

Remus licked his fingers. “I really enjoy this pig stuff. Makes me wish we could hunt them.”

“I guess if you lived close enough you could hunt down pigs on a farm, you could, but you both live so far away.” Patton absently twirled his fork. “How was the walk— er, slither down?”

Roman shrugged, swallowing his bread. “A few people ran off if they saw us, but we kept away from roads and away from people until we got here.”

Patton nodded. “Don’t want to cause a panic.”

“Or wind up on the six o’ clock news.” Dee-Dee whispered to himself, taking a sip of water from his rainbow shot glass.

The rest of the meal went smoothly. As Patton had figured, the two giant nagas ate everything else he had prepared, and looked like they still had room for more, though they were polite and didn’t mention it.

Dee-Dee finally relaxed enough to let go of Patton while he collected the empty dishes from the table. He curled up slightly, content with the meal weighing down both his tiny stomachs.

Roman stretched his spine, arms above his head. His loosely folded fists bumped the ceiling, and he looked up, surprise briefly crossing his face before he adjusted, finding a different position so he could stretch without breaking anything. “That was very delicious, Patton,” he complimented.

“Yeah!” Remus agreed. He ruffled Patton’s hair with a single finger. “You’re good at making food. Even the plants tasted good!”

Patton grinned. “I’m glad you thought so.” He got up, carrying the empty dishes back into the kitchen. Dee-Dee remained on the table for the moment, so he had a perfect view of the brothers as they shifted, twisting around each other again and settling down comfortably. With a start, he realized that they didn’t seem to be planning on moving again for quite a while. Remus lay on his back on their coils, and Roman lay on his front, facing in the general direction of the kitchen but with an expression that suggested he wasn’t really seeing much of what was in front of him.

A few minutes later, Patton returned and scooped Dee up. His hands were warm, suggesting that he’d been doing the washing up. “Aww, is everyone sleepy?” he asked.

“Hm?” Roman mumbled. His gaze sharpened slightly, but not much. “Oh.” He yawned. “Yeah.” Remus yawned as well, only shifting slightly to settle further into the nest of coils. Dee-Dee frowned. He had enough experience with post-meal drowsiness to know that they would have trouble getting the brothers to budge before morning. He himself was feeling like settling down for the night, but that was countered somewhat by his concern about the two gigantic nagas now taking up the entire living room, coils strewn about the furniture and pressing against the walls.

“Are you gonna fall asleep?” Patton asked, walking up closer. Dee-Dee squirmed a bit in Patton’s hands, uncomfortable with his favorite human putting himself within easy grabbing reach.

Roman pushed himself up a fraction, then flopped down on the nest of tails again. “Mm.”

“Well, okay,” Patton said, much to Dee-Dee’s dismay. “You’re blocking off my bedroom door, though.”

Roman glanced around the room, seeming to notice the other doors leading off it for the first time. “Sorry,” he said. “Wanna sleep with Remus and me instead?”

“I wouldn’t mind cuddling.” Patton walked even closer to the giant nagas, and Dee-Dee curled tighter around his fingers. “Is there room?”

Roman carefully picked Patton up and settled him between their torsos. “Always room for you, little Patton.” He sighed happily, snuggling closer.

“If Roman gets too fat to give you room, we’ll kick him out,” Remus teased, gently nuzzling Patton’s back.

Dee-Dee ducked under Patton’s sweater sleeve and slithered up to the collar. “Patton, Patton, it’s not safe between them. They can squish us.”

Patton softly stroked Dee-Dee’s head, humming softly. “Do you want to go hide in your tank?”

Dee-Dee’s coils looped around Patton’s arm tightened slightly. His human would not just go and snuggle against huge predators without anyone there to watch him in case they wanted dessert. Not if Dee-Dee had any say in the matter.

“You don’t have to sit here unless you want to. If it frightens you, I’ll put you somewhere safe.”

Dee-Dee huffed at that and pulled himself entirely across Patton’s shoulders. “I am not frightened. I’m not afraid of anything. I’ll stay here, with my human.”

Patton smiled. “Alright, but if you wanna move, lemme know, okay?”

“We’re not gonna squish you two,” Roman assured them, tapping Patton gently on the head. “Remus and I don’t move much in our sleep.”

“Maybe Dee-Dee and I should be on top, instead of between you, though,” Patton said thoughtfully. “Just in case. Dee-Dee’s a lot smaller than you, and I’d hate for any accidents to happen.”

“Ooh, yeah, good point.” Roman started to reach for Patton again, then paused. “Is Dee-Dee still under your shirt any?”

Patton checked. “Mm, no.”

Roman picked Patton up, setting him instead in the slight divot where two adjacent loops of tail, one red and the other green, curved down to meet each other. “How’s that?”

Patton shifted slightly, settling down. “This is nice,” he said, nodding. “You’re comfy.”

“Thank you.” Roman yawned, jaw stretching to full capacity without unhinging, and then settled down, lying comfortably across his and Remus’s tails. “’Night.”

Patton softly rubbed Dee-Dee across the back, letting himself settle down to sleep. The little naga huffed again. He got comfortable, but he wasn’t going to go to sleep, not with these two huge, dangerous predators around. No, Dee-Dee was going to stay awake and alert and make sure they didn’t hurt his Patton.

Dee-Dee yawned a very big yawn, almost unhinging his jaw to do it. Awake. Alert. Keep Patton safe.

He was asleep before the others got home.

~~~~~

Chapter 6: Snuggles in the Living Room

[nommy-thoughts]

I had a thought while I was falling asleep last night, and I don't remember the entirety of it anymore, but.

Logan with two flash cards, one for "snack" and one for "snacc" (or maybe one card with two definitions), being told that he is both.

[nommy-thoughts]

Me, eating a granola bar: this is research

[nommy-thoughts]

Do you have an idea of what you think tom and reggie would look like? I want to draw them!

:O

Anon, you make me very happy!

And yes! I do!

Tom is kinda smol (for a human), and they're white with blond hair, green/blue eyes, and freckles. They like painting their nails, but often will do just one or two.

Reggie is tall (for a tiny. he's 6"), and has brown skin and darker brown hair. I think I've said at different times that his eyes were blue or brown, so I'm not entirely sure which atm. His hair is longish, perhaps down to his chin, and he has a bit of beard scruff. Also he climbs around their house a lot so he has the kind of muscles and strength you'd expect from that.

Reggie tends to wear fancier/more formal clothes of the two, and is comfortable in a dress shirt, though in a casual setting he'll often undo the top button or two, untuck it, and shove/roll the sleeves up.

Tom, meanwhile, favors tshirts and turtlenecks.

And! Not only do I have descriptions, but I have some art you could look at! It isn't completely consistent, but it can give you an idea.

(if you're on mobile, the link is to the tag #TaR art on my writing blog, @enbyphoenixwrites )

If you need more details lemme know and I'll give you them!

[nommy-thoughts]

Glowing tums and mouths

hard pass | rather not | meh | neutral | ooh | yes please | absolutely delightful

YEAH! They're pretty! And it looks cool! And you can see stuff! Which is sometimes gross but also sometimes really cool! And have I mentioned that I love glowy things in general? No lie, I have a collection of glow-in-the-dark stuff.

[nommy-thoughts]

Mustn't leave the main character out! So here is a lil fancy snek man, from @that-prey-lounge's fic, Fine Dining.

Also, a rose, because there was a rose in a vase on his table, and I like roses.

[nommy-thoughts]

Y'know what, I'm gonna make a vore writing masterpost.

[nommy-thoughts]

@vore-scientist, google docs thinks it's unrealistic that Yonah would only put one onion in his omelette. Yes/No?

[nommy-thoughts]

Phineas and Ferb - Hemoglobin Highway

currently listening to this on loop

might continue to do so until I get tired of having ears.