#tell me this doesnt feel like them living on the road alone and having to take whatever it takes and having to be defensive

[ningensorrow]

someone good at art/animation should animate/draw soukoku and odasaku from my oda is alive au living on the road and on the run with buzzcut season by lorde

[newskin4theoldceremony]

DARKNESS AT THE BREAK OF NOON SHADOWS EVEN THE SILVER SPOON THE HANDMADE BLADE THE CHILDS BALLON ECLIPSE BOTH THE SUN AND MOON TO UNDERSRAND YOU KNOW TOO SOON THERE IS NOW SENSE IN TRYING POINTED THREATS THEY BLUFF WITH SCORN SUICIDE REMARKS ARE TORN FROM THE FOOLS GOLD MOUTHPIECE THE HOLLOW HORN PLAYS WASTED WORDS PROVES TO WARN THAT HE NOT BUSY BEING BORN IS BUSY DYING TEMPTATIONS PAGE FLIES OUT THE DOOR YOU FOLLOW FIND YOURSELF AT WAR WATCH WATERFALLS OF PITY WAR YOU FEEL TO MOAN BUT UNLIKE BEFORE YOU’D DISCOVER THAT YOU’D JUST BE ONE MORE PERSON CRYING SO DON’T FEAR IF YOU HEAR A FORIEGN SOUND TO YOUR EAR ITS ALRIGHT MA I’M ONLY SIGHING AS SOME WARN VICTORY SOME DOWNFALL PRIVATE REASONS GREAT OR SMALL CAN BE SEEN IN THE EYES OF THOSE WHO CALL THAT MAKE ALL THAT SHOULD BE KILLED TO CRAWL WHILE OTHERS SAY DON’T HATE NOTHING AT ALL EXCEPT HATRED DISILLUSIONED WORDS LIKE BULLETS BARK AS HUMAN GODS AIM FOR THEIR MARK MAKE EVERYTHING FROM TOY GUNS THAT SPARK TO FLESH COLORED CHRISTS THAT GLOW IN THE DARK IT’S EASY TO SEE WITHOUT LOOKING TO FAR THAT NOT MUCH IS REALLY SACRED WHILE PREACHERS PREACH OF EVEIL FATES TEACHERS TEACH THAT KNOWLEDGE WAITS CAN LEAD TO HUNDRED DOLLAR PLATES GOODNESS HIDES BEHIND ITS GATES BUT EVEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SOMETIMES MUST HAVE TO STAND NAKED AND ALTHOUGH THE RULES OF THE ROAD HAVE BEEN LODGED ITS ONLY PEOPLES GAMES YOU GOT TO DODGE AND ITS ALRIGHT MA I CAN MAKE IT ADVERTISING SIGNS THAT CON YOU INTO THINKING YOURE THE ONE THAT CAN DO WHATS NEVER BEEN DONE THAT CAN WIN WHATS NEVER BEEN WON MEANWHILE LIFE OUTSIDE GOES ON ALL AROUND YOU YOU LOSE YOURSELF YOU REAPPEAR YOU SUDDENLY FIND YOUVE GOT NOTHING TO FEAR ALONE YOU STAND WITH NOBODY NEAR WHEN A TREMBLING DISTANT VOICE UNCLEAR STARTLES YOUR SLEEPING EARS TO HEAR THAT SOMEBODY THINKS THEY REALLY FOUND YOU A QUESTION IN YOUR NERVES IS LIT YET YOU KNOW THERE IS NO ANSWER FIT TO SATISFY ENSURE YOU NOT TO QUIT TO KEEP IT IN YOUR MIND AND NOT FORGET THAT IT IS NOT HE OR SHE OR THEM OR IT THAT YOU BELING TO BUT THOUGH THE MASTERS MAKE THE RULES FOR THE WISE MEN AND THE FOOLS I GOT NOTHING MA TO LIVE UP TO FOR THEM THEY MUST OBEY AUTHORITY THAT THEY DO NOT RESPECT IN ANY DEGREE WHO DESPISE THEIR JOBS THEIR DESTINY SPEAK JEALOUSY OF THEM THAT ARE FREE DO WHAT THEY DO JUST TO BE NOTHING MORE THAN SOMETHING THEY INVEST IN WHILE SOME ON PRINCIPLES BAPTIZED TO STRICT PARTY PLATFORM TIES SOCAIL CLUBS IN DRAG DISGUISE OUTSIDERS THEY CAN FREELY CRITICIZE TELL NOTHING BUT WHK TO IDOLIZE AND SAY GOD BLESS HIM WHILE ONE WHO SINGS WITH HIS TONGUE ON FIRE GARGLES IN THE RAT RACE CHOIR BENT OUT OF SHAPE FROM SOCIETYS PLIERS CARES NOT TO COME UP ANY HIGHER BUT RATHER GET YOU DOWN IN THE HOLE THAT HES IN BUT I MEAN NO HARM NOR PUT FAULT ON ANYONE THAT LIVES IN A VAULT BUT ITS ALRIGHT MA IF I CAN PLEASE HIM OLD LADY JUDGES WATCH PEOPLE IN PAIRS LIMITED IN SEX THEY DARE TO PUSH FAKE MORAL INSULT AND STARE WHILE MONEY DOESNT TALK IT SWEARS OBSCENITY WHO REALLY CARES PROPAGANDA ALL IS PHONY WHILE THEM THAT DEFEND WHAT THEY CANNOT SEE WITH KILLERS PRIDE SECURITY IT BLOWS THE MIND MOST BITTERLY FOR THEM THAT THINK DEATH’S HONESTY WON’T FALL UPON ‘EM NATURALLY LIFE SOMETIMES MUST GET LONELY MY EYES COLLIDE HEAD ON WITH STUFFED GRAVEYARDS FALSE GOALS I SCUFF AT PETTINESS WHICH PLAYS SO ROUGH WALKED UPSIDE DOWN INSIDE HANDCUFFS KICK MY LEGS TO CRASH IT OFF SAY OKAY I’VE HADE ENOUGH WHAT ELSE CAN YOU SHOW ME AND IF MY THOUGHT DREAMS CAN BE SEEN THEYD PROBABLY PUT MY HEAD IN A GUILLOTINE

BUT ITS ALRIGHT MA IT’S LIFE AND LIFE ONLY

[kingkennny10]

Puppy Love

Stan Marsh x gn!Reader

typical stan angst in the beginning but after that its all sweet fluff with stan coming to terms with his feelings for you! Its very quick paced cause i just see stan as an impulsive fella who has to do things in the moment or it doesnt get done

Stan Marsh is often accused of being a hopeless romantic, he doesn’t deny it but he’s tired of hearing it. This night he finds himself on the roof of his home all alone listening to an old romance playlist. He knows all of the songs, one of them being puppy love by paul ankha. He sings the song and puts it on loop. Each lyric he puts his heart into, more than he means to, staring into the stars wondering when he will have his forever person. He knows it’s not healthy to feel like he needs to be with someone, but he misses being in love. He begins thinking of you while singing the song, your smile, laugh, your favourite clothes you often wear, the lame half assed bracelet he gave to you because he thought he fucked it up.

“Someone help me help me… help me pleeease.” He sang softly into the night air. As the song keeps repeating itself and he can’t get you out of his head he sits up instantly. “FUCK!” He shouts quickly and loudly. He has just come to terms with the fact that he loves you. This whole playlist reminds him of you, he isn’t just sad and lonely, he’s lovesick and misses you. The person who has always stuck by him alongside Kyle. You’re his end game, his one and only. You’re who he wants to have a shitty atomic life with.

He holds his face in his hands letting out a long groan. How could he not see it? How could he not tell how he feels about you? The thoughts he has about you on a normal day aren’t how you think about your best friend. The compliments he gives you off hand, the playlists he makes you, all the times he’s thought about cuddling with you and listening to the playlists he makes for you. The fact that he compares every possible partner to you. He can’t wait, he needs to do something now! He grabs his phone and checks the time, 10:27pm. Quickly he calls Kyle up hoping he gets an answer.

“Hello?”

“Dude I have a crush on y/n.” He says blatantly into his phone. Carefully he makes his way off the roof and back into his dimly lit bedroom closing the window behind him. Kyle laughs into the phone.

“That’s news to you?”

“Oh fuck off. Is their light on or no?” Stan asks grabbing his portable speaker off his desk. Stan lives across from Kyle and you live 2 doors down from Stan, Kyle’s the only one of them who can see your window from his own.

“Uh… hmm… yea, just a small one though.”

“Thanks, wish me luck!” Stan said as he hung up climbing down from his bedroom window carefully. On the short walk to your house he connected his phone which was still looping puppy love to his speaker. He let it continue playing quietly from the speaker as he talked himself up the next 10 feet to your house. When he was finally in your yard standing below your window he let out a nervous sigh and shook out his nerves. He turned up the volume placing the speaker down in the frosty grass and grabbed some pebbles from the road. “God this is so lame…” He said to himself as he began throwing pebbles to your window.

Putting your phone down due to hearing rocks on your window you got out of bed shuffling over to open your sheer curtain. You giggle seeing Stan outside scrambling to pick up his speaker and hold it above his head. You open up your window leaning out to hear what he has to say.

“I have a phone y’know!” You say loud for him to hear. You giggle seeing him roll his eyes.

“Well it’s more romantic this way isn’t it?” He laughs at himself. You only nod your head. “I know this is kinda sudden, but uh… you wanna go out with me?” He says awkwardly finally putting down the speaker,still letting the song play. You begin laughing at how straightforward and awkward he’s being.

“Stan I would love to.” You say through your laugh. Stan practically melted at your response. Never in your life would you have thought your crush and best friend would ask you out like its a cliché 80’s romance movie, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. “Is this the part where you climb up and give me a kiss?” You ask pointing at the tree next to your house.

“Is Kyle watching?” Stan asks without looking back. You take a glance down the street and sure enough you see the outline of him peeping through his window. You laugh at how nosy he is.

“Yea, you know how nosey he is.” You say as Stan walks over to the tree.

“Well I guess I have to then.” Stan says turning off the speaker and climbing up the tree to your window. “Hey.” He says as he makes it in front of you. You quietly laugh at him before pulling his jacket to bring his lips to yours. Your heart swells the longer you kiss him, you could very well be the happiest person on earth right now and Stan is thinking the same thing. How could he not have known sooner that you were the one for him. Thank goodness he’s impulsive as he is. You pulled away from the kiss first and nuzzled his nose before speaking.

“We’re still hanging out tomorrow then?” You asked with a dopey smile that Stan mirrored.

“Yeah, Kyle might crash it though now that he’s seen this.” Stan said and placed his hand on your cheek.

“You know Kyle.” You both said at the same time then laughed. Stan couldn’t help but smile. He feels complete, like theres nothing more he needs than what he has right now.

“You better get home so you can text Kyle about this.” You say leaning into Stans warm hand still placed on your cheek. He nods and leans in for another sweet kiss. He begins his decent from your window and you wave him off before closing it and getting back into bed.

As Stan grabs his speaker and makes his way home he sees Kyle at his window waving. Stan throws both his fists up in victory and Kyle raises one of his in silent response. When he gets back in his room and lays down he sees a text from Kyle saying, ‘you are so predictable it’s not even funny’ which leads Stan to text back, ‘well I’m not single no more, so it worked!’ After a brief conversation they both said goodnight and Stan went to sleep, all too ready to spend the weekend with you.

Hahaha, i stay projecting the things i want onto fictional characters, i hate that real life isnt a cheesy 80s romcom im still working on the next chapter of px3 cause i got really unmotivated for a week an a half, hopefully it will be out this weekend but no promises, i spend like an hour writing this, ima proofread and post tonight 🤭🤭

[ellerevelle]

hello again

Its been an eternity. I had to login with my yahoo email. My YAHOO. email. 

I’ve been sitting in the same position, at my computer, slouched over watching netflix for hours now. Not accomplishing a damn thing except panic. I’ve been enjoying the program I’m watching but continually keep checking my phone. As one does. 

I check Instagram to look for that little red message notification indicating a new DM. Its not obsessive, but I do feel relieved to see someone is there. I’ve been alone in my room, day in day out, for what feels like months now. I go to work, I go out dancing occasionally, but all in all, I’m lazing in my bedroom. Its basically my studio apartment, despite living in a 4 bedroom rented house. 

I’m here to journal. Because my life needs an entire overhaul. I really wonder whats wrong with me. Today I examined a LinkedIn job listing for, upon reading the details, is like- THE job. THE DREAM JOB. And I have no qualifications. 

If I had even remotely TRIED. AT ALL. the last, oh I dont know, TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE to do anything actually photography work related, I’d be maybe closer to qualified. But despite talking like I’m an artist, despite going to goddamn art school, despite telling myself or others I meet “yea I’m a photographer,” ... it has to be what you DO. As a VERB. And my cameras literally, absolutely, are coated in dust. I havent handled them in over a year. Probably more. 

What is wrong with me. I read the job description, I even took a screenshot of the listing for when it goes down, because I want to dream about it. Study it. But it says at the top of the list “at least 5 years of experience.” My last five years? have been bullshit. I’ve just gotten fatter and lazier and probably less mentally healthy. I mean, I’m barfing my thoughts on Tumblr again, I’m probably not okay. I’m here feeling like I’ve squandered my fucking years, that my life needs a genuine total overhaul. I am not mentally healthy. 

Why. Am. I. Afraid. To. Move.

Not move away, but literally MOVE. Work out, create, explore my city, meet people, even pick up a new book. I’m afraid to move. 

I need to clean my car. Its gotten out of hand. She doesnt deserve it. I feel like everything I SING about loving, I’ve stopped living up to. I talk about going on road trips ALL THE TIME. I feel like by letting my car fall into terrible disarray, I’m betraying myself. If I were to try to take a road trip, I’d have to do so much work. SO much work. Its so cluttered, the trunk is full of old clothes and weird concert souvenirs and random tupperware and literal trash. I need to vacuum it, I need to dust it, I need to clean the glass. I need to empty the entire thing out. I am afraid to do the work. I am unmotivated to do the work. 

Want to know what I’m thinking about why:

I want someone to care. 

I feel like I dont exist anymore. Like... no ones asking my any questions, no ones noticing me out there doing anything, I dont feel witnessed, I dont matter. So its really difficult to find motivation to do something that no one cares about. Which I dont mean to sound like the cliche “if you cant instagram it, did it really happen?” “if the tree falls in the woods but no one was there to see it, did it make a sound?” 

Its a vicious cycle, I observe, because in not doing the thing I think no one sees or cares about, the thing I CARE ABOUT definitely never happens and, therefore, doesnt exist to be cared about or seen at all. 

If I threw a party and nobody showed up, and quit throwing parties, then NO ONE would show up. Wayne Gretski “You miss 100% of the shots you dont take” la la la blah yes I know. 

Its so fucking scary. I feel so goddamn freaked out. I feel so obvious. Everyone wants to be loved and noticed, obviously. I’m in part afraid of no one caring, but also I’ve become so egotistical in a way- that if I AM seen, I want to be seen right. I want the right people around me. 

I’ve been dissappinted about people I’ve met or who has noticed me in this town. Again, ego, but like... I dont get hit on here. And those who DO, are AWFUL. I drive home after a night out and think - THAT guy? thought he had it to ask me for my number?

Not to sound cruel. But I’m talking like, total like... icky dudes. Or just blah dudes. 

I sparkle, and I want to share it with somebody ... whats a better way to say “with somebody who matters”? Because that sounds horrible. I dont see myself as some queen diva champion, but I just... have a lot and have lived a very interesting life, and I feel like its just kindof. Stopped. 

I hear some voices say that inspiration is bullshit. waiting for inspiration is an excuse. but like. 

what... how... HOW? How to just go and do things anyway when theres SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DISSAPOINT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN DRAIN YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN HURT YOU. SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN LEAD YOU ASTRAY. 

So in lieu of this fear, I’ve done nothing. I miss feeling fearless. 

I’ve felt happiness lately going to kpop shows. When the artist looks at me. Not a sexy look or even a real look, but I still feel seen. Your eyeballs, You this Artist I care about, has seen my face. Has felt my presence in the crowd. And I like to delusionaly think that matters. I know in a woo woo way, everyones energy matters, but I’m in my head really BELIEVING that my presence is special. So when I go out, or try to meet new people, and just get met with duds or nothing at all - I feel like it was a waste. Or, worse, that I’m the joke. And that I’m crazy for thinking I’m special at all. 

So. I need to clean my car. I need to get in shape. I need to dust off my cameras. I need to USE them. I need to play piano. I need to shred my magazines and make collage art again. I need to go out into nature and get attuned to the sunset and stars again. I need to even like, update my goddamn facebook page, and instagram and delete emails and FIX MY FUCKING LINKEDIN PROFILE BUT I’M SCARED. and lazy. And I want to have somebody to impress, but NOBODY. CARES. So why bother? But I genuinely feel like I’m disappearing! talking in circles. 

By not doing things for myself out of fear, I’m essentially proving the world right. By not existing, I dont exist. 

Why am I so scared? I mean, theres the Mom card. I’ve been aching to call her more than usual lately. This year I’ve felt the physical, tangible craving to call her. She died in 20...15? 2015. August of 2015. 

And I never knew what being loved like that felt like until it was gone. She knew me, she saw everything. And she thought I was the most special, just for existing. She had 5+ miscarriages after having my older brother. She didnt think she was gonna have another baby. Let alone a little girl. Then she got the call, that the pregnancy stuck, that I was gonna be her daughter. The doctors literally SEWED HER CERVIX SHUT to keep me up there long enough. I was still born a month early, but I was her treasure. She wanted me SO BADLY. 

I still dont know if her death was an accident or intentional, and I’m afraid to ask. I dont even know if my father would tell me the truth, he may need to believe it was an accident. But she was deeply depressed and addicted to hydrocodone, and she was found dead on our living room floor, all alone, on the day of her’s and my father’s 35th wedding anniversary. He was in the hospital at the time, he’d broken his shin bone weeks prior and has bad bones so he was in a rehab place. She was home alone, encouraged by him to just stay in and enjoy the house, and that they’d celebrate their anniversary another weekend. He sent her a bouquet of roses that she’d never see. They sat on our doorstep while she laid inside on the floor. It was devestating. Well, duh, thats an understatement. 

When I was going to therapy (I stopped over COVID and havent gone back) my therapist asked me “would it make anything different for you, if you knew?” and at first I answered No. But even the next day I was honest with myself and truly, it would make a huge fucking difference. Knowing if it was a mistake, too much wine, took an extra hydrocodone, got woozy and passed out, maybe hit her head, or maybe a heart thing. That would change everything, if she didnt WANT to leave us. If it was just a fluke. That’d make a very big difference. 

I’ve gotten over a lot since then and the layers of growth and wisdom I’ve developed is indescribable. I’m deeply proud of myself and who I am inside. But thats what makes me angry and sad right now. Why have I become such a blob? Surely I miss her love, even though it was so broken the last five years of her life with her severe depression. I forgive that, and I think she’d forgive me for being too young to understand and fight harder for her. Our hometown doesnt have shit in the way of Mental Health services. She needed worlds more help, and I couldve fought harder for her. Alas, I think she would be upset with me for thinking this way. She’d express “we’re the parents, its not on you to parent your own parents.” 

Anyways. I feel like my Father is loving me how he knows how. He’s great for sweet support, but not great with life advice. He’s the least ambitious man I know since he retired. He HATED work, but suffered and sacrificed infinitely for us anyway to keep our lives afloat, and for that I’ll be forever grateful. But since he got to leave work and came into family money, he doesnt do much unless he HAS to. He’s a music man, but hasnt played guitar or written songs or done anything creative in decades. He let it burn out. I respect him, I love him for him and try not to be disappointed about his choices but... its just difficult to express my feelings to him about these things. He’s like “Josie, dont worry I have money, you’ll never be in trouble.” And I just... I believe him but I dont believe him? I dont want to buckle into that. I feel like I need to earn that privelege. I cant just ask, I’m not a trust fund kid. Cant just be like DADDY I WANT TO GO TO MIAMI CAN I HAVE TEN GRAND? Like, no! First of all He’d never say yes to that hahaha. I’ve definitely lied (*white lied) to my family to sound more put together and “worthy” than I actually probably am. I talk about my job like its a bigger deal than it is, when in reality I’m only making $15 an hour and I’m late every single day. 

Fuck, speaking of. I was supposed to take a shower about 6 hours ago, but its 11:30pm and I have to go to bed and still havent gotten clean. Its been too many days. I’m gross. 

See!? my life needs a fucking overhaul. WHY AM I STRUGGLING TO TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER. 

I am broken dude. wtf. 

I feel more motivated to take care of myself WHEN I FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY GIVES A SHIT WHO I AM! Somebody to wash my hair for, dress up for. Even though truth is, I absolutely do it for me. I go out to a concert to be seen, sure, but when I’m getting ready, I LOVE my reflection. I love hanging out with music on and expressing artistry with makeup or clothing styling. I do it because IIIIII like it. And then out in the world, at least if no one else likes it, at least I do?

But it still requires an invitation out. Someone saying “hey come meet us at this bar!” or a great concert I want to see and SHOW UP for. TURN UP for. 

How do I do these things, how do I give a shit about showing up, if theres no invitation? if theres no obvious purpose other than just doing the thing?

I fear by existing out there, youre inviting critique. If i carry a camera around, people will ask to see. And what if I suck!!! What if theyre like “oh my god who the fuck does she think she is, carrying that nice ass big ass camera and her photos are so mediocre.” 

I dont want to be a joke. 

Sometimes I go into massive panic attacks getting dressed to go out because I feel like, too old and fat or the wrong genre to pull anything off and if I go out like... it’ll be the “who does she think she is.” 

fuck. 

fuck fuck fuck. I need to wash my face. I need to brush my teeth. 

I need to get a FUCKING LIFE. 

I want that Hybe America job. Content Preditor, they mushed together the words pre- and editor to make PREDITOR. How sexy could that be! 

The job description describes who I wish I was. Prepared, experienced, creative, multitasking, able to improvise, team leader, good with new people, passionate about the music industry. 

I havent taken any vitamins today. the EASIEST thing to do. because I hate walking into the kitchen to get water. 

Thats a WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS. my living situation. this post is already too long. I’ve already procrastinated showering for far too long. I’ve already watched... lets see... NINE episodes, 40 minutes each. 

I need help. Talk more tomorrow. Or, yknow, six more years or however long the previous gap between my posts have been. 

[nerosdayinanime]

I know I wasn't the person that originally asked about Giyuucore songs but that post caught my interest because you mentioned a lot of songs and some of my favorites👀

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on Gilded Lily! I've seen it taken in a couple different contexts online but idk anyone that listens to it. After Dark is another banger but I never considered thinking of it as Giyuucore. the same thing with Little Dark Age talk about blorbo, think about blorbo :)

also I listened to The Mute and The Missing Road for the tag you left on my one drabble and 😭 i see it so clearly with how so socially awkward little blorbo is

usually i think of my music taste as mainstream but not like. Popular mainstream yk? usually at least, since i started only really using spotify it kinda just Sticks with popular... (i just think the music i listen to its pretty all over the place) anyway-

Gilded Lily got me from the chorus haven't i given enough? giyuu gives his all yet still all the shit that happens to him and the people he loves... with him in mind the lyric reads as more a polite way of asking higher powers 'havent you taken enough from me?' yk?

always the fool with the slowest heart hes always behind his peers and misunderstood, negative feedback loop of hiding further in himself and straying further behind

but i know youll take me with you when he loves he gives a piece of himself, so when they're lost they take a piece of him with them i know ill take you with me the haori he so dearly cares for

we'll live in spaces between walls how ghosts are respected as existing in a third place, the border between life and death- how giyuu does something similar, as close as a ghost you can get without death- hes treats himself the same as the ghosts that haunt him

last lyric for gilded lily is manga spoliers and iirc youre an anime-only, so ill keep that one under wraps lmao

-------

After Dark is all dreams and broken memories, the echo-y voice and faraway sound of the piano all tinged with melancholy (probably shoulda put it with the sabigiyuu playlist lmao)

i see you, you see me - how pleasant, this feeling - the moment you hold me - i missed you, im sorry - ive given what I have - i showed you I'm growing - the ashes fall slowly - as your voice consoles me only alive in his dreams, the reprieve of being in sabito's arms hurts from its fleeting nature. his chance at trying to right his wrongs of being too weak, a demon's dying ashes as proof, sabito's voice (a faded memory of, distorted with unfamiliarity) telling him he doesnt need to prove himself of anything

as the hours pass - i will let you know - that i need to ask - before I'm alone - how it feels to rest - on your patient lips  - to eternal bliss - im so glad to know the false feeling of lips against his, only as good as a dream gets. (he knows it isnt real, it doesnt feel real, its heaven nonetheless) a kiss that never happened, never will happen, hes just happy to have known him at all (even if the memories are so painful)

we're swaying to drum beats - in motion, im feeling - my patience controlling - the question, i wont speak two hearts in sync as their sword swings, giyuu always holds his tounge until the perfect moment (a perfect moment doesnt exist)

we're telling the stories - our laughter, he knows me - we're leaving, we're talking - youre closer, it's calming reliving faded memories- happy times and the march to their shared grave. the impeding dread of Knowing simmers to an empty lull when their hands brush as they walk

the night will hold us close and the stars will guide us home - ive been waiting for this moment, we're finally alone - i turn to ask the question, so anxious, my thoughts a calm rest with another painful dream of a man that doesnt exist

your lips were soft like winter, in your passion, i was lost their lips meet, painfully cold and oh so dead against his, only for a moment. he opens his eyes to the crystal clear memory of the determined fire behind rounded eyes before he turned. white haori disappearing to the forest, vision blurred, red trailed down his face, what was he supposed to do now?

-------

Little Dark Age is super gloomy and sorta like. corrupted church vibes. idk how to explain that. the tone of voice singing keeping the note flat (except in the chorus) the background music echoing itself it just overall reminds me of devilman crybaby's corrupted demonic vibe. Smells Blood(kensuke ushio). dvmcb has a more Taken And Run By Evil/Satan kinda vibe whereas little dark age is more God Left Us

the lyrics are a narration, his own thoughts and feelings he never speaks aloud but says if you listen close enough.

the ruins of the day, painted with a scar dont need to explain that one

and, the more i straighten out, the less it wants to try the amount of willpower it takes him to just keep going

oh-oh, forgiving who you are, for what you stand to gain - just know that if you hide, it doesnt go away/i grieve in stereo, the stereo sounds strange - you know that if it hides, it doesn't go away self-narration, how much he still hurts despite hardening his heart against it all

when you get out of bed, dont end up stranded - horrified. with each stone. on the stage - my little dark age stranded in the stagelight, stone upon stone tied to him always weighing him down

specifically ties with the other lyric- come find us heading for the bridge, bring a stone, all the rage, my little dark age he thinks he deserves it, peoples hatred and anger at his failure, he ties the stones himself

if I get out of bed, you'll see me standing all alone, horrified, on the stage, my little dark age all of this song ties specifically to this one imagery i have of sabito and giyuu and hashira overall- theyre the ones that bare the light that destroys demons. with their strength they cast shadows for other slayers and innocent people to hide behind, still safely in the light but not being burned by it as they are.

Giyuu and Sabito were supposed to bare that light together, strengthened by eachother casting shadows where the other's weakest and baring the burn with eachother side by side, they were supposed to cast a shadow large enough to shield everyone they cared for, to not lose everyone they love again.

this line was the start of it all- waking up alone on the stage being wholly burned by the light with no respite. the blinding light instead signaling his little dark age

also yeah!!! the self-isolating, lonely theme of those songs is literally just Him. it speaks for itself so clearly i dont even know how i could explain it to someone who knows giyuu but doesnt understand how The Mute & The Missing Road relate to him. its just. Its Him man. you gotta believe me. if you only listen with your ears, i cant get in - and a heart always holds, onto missing roads MAN CMON ITS RIGHT THERE-

[strange-creachure]

so..

didnt want to make a huge deal of it at the time bc anxiety and what have you, buuut since yesterday marked 2 full months from this thingy (perhaps most impactful in my life so far lol), figured i'd do a little post anyway?? felt appropiate what with it being pride month and ya know :zoomies:

(tldr, have two rad little lines going across on my body and feeling more light and normal (in the best kind of way) than i have for years :catlove:)  i'm in an incredibly lucky place living situation wise (s/o being in a position where he could take a loan for us, and finland being a country that doesnt generally indiscriminate these kind of things as much) where i could get a good ol operation that single-handedly yoinked off my serious dysphoria and -related anxiety and its been (and still is) so incredibly freeing and pleasant and carefree vibe when ur body feels and looks the way you felt it should have always been. especially when, (tw: dysphoria) increasingly for the past couple years its felt just so incredibly.. wrong? to an extent you felt constantly sick?, for reasons you cant even quite explain?, for features your biology imposed on you without any word on your part, and the societal norms or whatever that came with it??? and just.. the entire lack of choice or being unable to do anything about it?? absolutely worst. do not recommend. unfortunately a fairly common experience in the lgbt circles (that i keep hearing) and something a lot of people have to deal with, unfortunately. so in a very stark comparison, post-op and recovering and just /living/ without those restrictions or weights on ya, it's pretty freakin rad. having authority on the silly little meat vehicle again haha. (recovery wise feel entirely normal and well by now, just the whole 'having a both physical and very taxing mental weight off of the shoulders that i'd not realised how long its been there' has had me feeling very childlike joy and the like, yknow. maybe some of u could tell from the text brrrr nyoomies for a while now huhu :zoomies:) dunno if this is "too personal" or unnecessary or kinda silly to share, but kind of jus wanna put it out there in case there's the odd person in there who feels the same way, incredibly awful for reasons you cant quite explain or even grasp - i promise you're not inherently broken or "wrong", there is a reason for it, gender or neurodivergency wise or otherwise. it sure took me a while, and while it's an unique road for everyone, u can get there, one way or other. for example im more comfy with my brain funnies than i've been in years just from reading more and getting to know likeminded people and overall understanding things better, and that alone has helped me a lot. dont necessarily feel the need to transition anything further body wise either; dont consider myself a trans person, and dunno what kind of label or tag would even fit my gender other than just?? kind of vaguely nonbinary i guess?? since im just.. omee? default person shaped? and for the longest time, it feels good and normal and /right/. dunno. wanted to share the excellent good vibes despite this whole mess of a world situation lol. #textwall #manywords  happy pride y'all! every single one of you friendshapes is very important and appreciated ❤️

for context! i'm huge fan of people who are happy with their bodies; its the best possible place to be! and such, want to confirm I dont have and never had anything against female chest in general, im genuinely glad some people can carry themselves with pride and joy, it simply wasnt a concept my brain could accept for me; personally they looked and felt really wrong on me, despite being physically healthy and "normal"; nothing were wrong with my pre- chest shapes except them residing on my body.

[tarudce22]

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR KINGDOM HEARTS DARK ROAD FINALE

I’m in tears and i haven’t even started playing yet

quest 71 - ending

We staring of with the chess scene, got a bit more dialog then in kh3.

Vor!!

Episode 4: cruel clues

she’s in the Dwarf Woodlands so new world for DR

She gonna talk to the mirror.

OH NO, the bad cut scenes are still here. Well at lest we go them

the dwarfs are here??

Ah yep, back into the grind. My phone is hostage once again. curse me not staying on blue stacks in the end, I so much bp wtf. That quest gave so much bp to!!?

 There like 66 new cutscenes!

I wish these battles went faster, i want to see the baby!!!

WTF VOR IS STRONG!!! SHE JUST PICK THAT BOLDER UP!!

“seven... just like us” should i be worried about that line

Oh this “boss” is cute and weak oh no, i got everything maxed out

Vor told Xehanort and Eraqus about the talking mirror

I just realized that we’re party locked

Eraqus wants to know how to beat Xhehanort at chest, thats really adorable

Oh? the chess game is called Alba and Ater

ONE OF THEM IS NAMED VIDAR!!!

Does this world just not age??? Lady why you be rude to the mirror, no wonder hes so grumpy

Here we go again, fighting the mirror

YES VIDAR! Its the guy in blue and yellow, AND THIS MUSIC!! Oh i should be worry from this music alone. I love thid guy

He’s never meet Xehanort before???? Xehanort, the visitant????  hes calling xehanort different, lmao

Vor, you belong with your friends honey. Wtf do you mean have her “join us instead”

“I have something i need to do” “what is it” “you’ll see” thats ominous

She ask if she would ever become a  keyblade master, and the mirror basically said “ditch your friends and you will” wtf magic mirror

eraqus saying there never going to change is breaking my heart, while xehanort goes “yea change happen and we got to live with that fact”

She’s going with Vidar, i think this is the start of her end

all their reason to be keyblade master is cute other then you know wanting to destroy all darkness forever

xehanort wanted to be a keyblade master to see the khux/dandelion kids again

“64 years later” we go the old man cutscene!

“fewer hairs grace thy head” this line is killing me

Xehanort said him being bald is “A demonstraion of my resolve.” What??? How did you go bald my guy!?

oh there is so much i could say on this cutscene, hes asking the mirror is the khux kids existed and the mirror said yes and no in a way, “there toll has not yet chime”

mirror saying you can’t hide your heart from me.

EVEN THE MIRROR DOESNT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE, except Ven....

episode 5: the key to each world’s order

54 years later

we in bbs time now??

Oh man, master xehanort’s molded is wonderful, this chibi old man

OH THIS IS the fight where eraqus gets his face scars. kind of funny seeing this in chibi form. the backgrounds look great

OH NOW WE GOING TO THE FIGHT WHERE THEY HAVE THE LEGACY KEYS

7 years later, a year after they became keyblade masters

Ah so this is the start of the fight, Eraqus is the “one true heir”

Oh eraqus, he did inherit the resolve of no name and its wielders

this is the divorce fight number one it seems

Odin just fucked off some where it seems

it did feel like she was saying goodbye forever eraqus but lets try to be a little optimistic

no manipulating! there is just so much to say about this exchange between xehnort and eraqus here, also xehanort is right about the tilde of being a keyblade master

they’re dysfunctional loves urd

odin wtf is going on

true darkness, the 13 fragments of darkness from long ago, also once again the MUSIC!! vidar getting the history lesson of the formless darkness while he trying to tell odin “see ya” and never returning

Oh this is lore about the fortellers that got a bit twisted, AND THEY KNOW WHAT WE DID TO 4 OF THE DARKNESS, ok ok so the 4 we trapped, 2 where destroyed well luxu killed one and ven took the other in to give it form, but they know none of this and odin is going “there’s NO PROOF” to these events

this is why eraqus is the way he is isn’t it, all cause of odin, paranoid old man, also where was that cutscene taking place??? what part of scala was that??

AHHH Beast's Castle! This anit’ darkness hermod, they just roasting eraqus and how he is with darkness, love to see it,

meanwhile bragi and eraqus trying to talk to the mirrior and bragi saying “dude”, they give up cause all that queen does is look that mirror

we only have one party member now cause eraques is not here

chip knows urd??  oh its cause shes a girl, they trying to ship urd with the beast? oh the upperclassmen may have stolen the rose, why?

really got to question the age of these worlds. ah i guess the upper classmen did steal the rose, why they do that to beast?

im going to have so much useless bp after all of this

i wish they did this with KHux, where you have the theater AND you could still play the game

URD NO DONT SPLIT UP! wheres the upperclassmen at i want to know more then just Vidar’s name

Xehanort DONT SPLIT UP

why all my girls going through it right now WAIT, a upperclassmen! now whats your name! Vala VALA IS HER NAME! are you Balder’s sis or is it the other one

Vala a oracle? there is some very shady things going on right now with the upper class, what there goal, i wish i knew more Norse myths and names off the top of my head

she the right number of questions, actually i think she should ask more

Vala wtf, stop dodging the questions, is she gonna kidnap urd or gaslight her into going with her? Vala and Vidar both keep using we and us WOWOW WHOS THE NINJA DUDE!? also dick move stealing the beast’s rose WAIT TELL ME THE NINJA’S NAME

stop trying to ship urd with the beast

1 year later

it looks like they cause the unfortunate events themselves, its called trauma xehanort i think you got trauma, like some very bad trauma mostly cause of the whole khux player being well you thing, they did die with the darkness on there own volition, please give me nightmare chirithy please give me my stinky cat, xehanort no fuck destiny you dont have to do THIS WHY, fuck MoM is here or is that luxu and what do you mean “the sigularity”

Episode 6: Uncertain order  

YEP thats MoM 1 year later, the time jump arounds are not helping me at all

thats MoM, and oh here we go with his fuckery, Theodore Jack

a stroll in the realm of darkness yes, a very nice strolling area, no no answer the question, i think your answer melt my brain in a fun way, whats with this “more of less” well i guess he was more of a recruiter and forger then a wielder

I like this back ground a lot and he just hands him a coat and xehanort takes it even though he said he doesnt trust him, yea he is trying to sell it, hes a use cars sells man, its free if you sign over you soul

NO NO NONOOOOOOO NOT AGRABAH FREEE MMMMMEEEEEEEEE

NINJA’S NAME IS VALI!!!!! Vidar Vala Vali..... we got the v gang

Jafa please just get to the point i want to leave agrabah

look hermod the quicker you do this the quicker i never have to see agrabah again please, i tire of the desert

again how old are these worlds??? do they get reset again at some point??? the agrabah music is going to be stuck in my head for days i know it

hi carpet oh hello eraqus

DONT TOUCH ANYTHING, of course he’s right about jafar

poor Bragi, actually whats your deal we’ve got a lot of the others but not you yet

oh i can finally change around my party again

i love the hearless designs in this so much

again the backgrounds look GREAT oh hey Vidar, i wonder if the light ther trying to find is the princess of light, yea i think its the princess

where is young yen sid i need to know, who died

yep thats it, no more agrabah please

ah MoM again, another 1 year later but that is meaningless to me by now, oh its the kh 3 cutscene! MORE INFO TIME ah great xehanort a nihilist now,  if only he was a simple fortune-teller GIVE ME HIS NAMMMMMMEEEE fuck of course they do that

Episode 7: reason for disappearance

65 years later now with a ven, he looks so dead my boy

THE OLD BLUE MAN??!?!! what the hell that old man teach you as a baby?!

OH BBS TIME AGAIN TERRA AND AQUA!! AH its ven being dropped off but chibi,  Oh and we’re seeing xehanorts and eraqus conversation! i just want to grab chibi xehanort by his big bald head

eraqus is so bright

back with old man odin, wtf is balder

Oh the upperclass want to avoid what happen to the fortellers, ven and the player, that makes sense, again where are they in scala,

it cost a lot more then one life last time old man, lets not do that again

Kingdom Hearts

ODIN WHO ARE YOU WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AHFNOINFC YOU KNEW XEHANORT WOULD BE THE DARK SEEKER YOU KNEW WHO ARE YOU OLD MAN

man all V’s  in a gang, vildar, vala, vali and vor, we got anymore V’s laying around? ok that animation of eraqus jumping in place is adorable

BALDR FINALLY

Its been years balder, yea your sister might be dead by guy

HER NAME IS HODER?? oh you saw her die oh.... rip Hoder we never knew you and she’s so pretty to and they just killed her before we could know anything about her, fucking maleficent killed her

TO THE UNDERWORLD!!!! TO HADES!!!! olympus coliseum!

THE GAAAAAAAMMMEEEESSS! HADES!!! LMAO YEA FIGHT HIM

I LOVE THIS HEARLESS DESIGN DONT MAKE ME KILL THEM

Hades dont kill the kids, two of them got to have many breakups with each other over the next 64+ years

“yea she just faded from what we’re told, it was kind of weird”

thanks hades, i do very much love the coliseum purly cause of hades

Xehanort  tell me you worries, 23 more cutscenes to go... its been over 3 hours

Hoder Heimdall Helgi Sigrun now whos who, also only the V’s lived that to funny

Gonna guess that Heimdall is bonde guy, helgi is pink lady, and sigrun is blue/silver hair guy, maleficent ruining more keykids lives, also once again whats up with the worlds? like enchanted dominion story happens in bbs so how does it happen here in dr too?? dont split up thats how you die

the final world....

and we got to know nothing about all of you other then your dead and that sucks cause your not coming back in any other game

you have a uncle vibe to you, that one crazy uncle that will had a kid a knife of blowtorch, so yea a babysitter

oh baldr and bragi dead??

portal just snatched them, i know hades your so right,

ah the dark coridor, what a lovely place for a stroll,  now then WHERE IS EVERY ONE?! is this how hermod and urd die? please not yet

NOOOOOOOO WHY I KNEW THEY WOULD DIE BUT NOOOOOOOO, THERE HEARTS OH NOOOOOOOO

So that two for sure down of xehanorts class and 4 of the upper class dead

wtf who that, ODIN??? YOU COULDNT HAVE SAVE THE OTHERS TOO?! OLD GUY PLEASE YOUR SUPPOST TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR STUDENTS NOT GET THEM KILLED, Who are you Odin WHO ARE YOU,

ah bald chibi, VANITAS!!! 65 years later back to bbs

your a horrible parent xehanort, vanitas needs a good mentor/parent figure and therapy, he telling vanitas about the 13 darkness aka kind of who vanitas is this is endlessly funny to me, oh does xehanort know???? like he has our memories so he would maybe know wouldnt he?? DO YOU KNOW XEHANORT OR NOT!

Last Episode: The 7 Lights and 13 Darknessess

2 years later

WHERE IS YEN SID?! DID THEY RECON KEYBALDE WIELDER YEN SID

back to the chess board oh does this mean the V gang is all dead too?? or do we still have some scenes with them?? I guess from odin’s words they are dead now

wow xehanort, you really want to live 13 lifetimes, 14!? dude i think you go insane oh what you kind of did

what do you eraqus, of course its to “stay true to light” not bad but you go about it in bad way, thats sweet this whole converstaion is actually very sweet and very sad, that bittersweet kind of feeling

oh we just getting sad converstaion now, also why we always have to come back to this chess board, No dud ODIN, could you not save ANY of the others? also is the V gang still alive or not!?

I mean Bragi and Baldr should be fine??? Hades isnt all that bad??? WTF now Odin what do you MEAN YOUR SUPRISED THEY CROSS PATHS WITH BALDR?! ODIN!?! WTF! AHHHHHHHHH WHAT WHAT WAHT First he used master defender NOW HES USING NO NAME!!!?? AHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh Baldr fell to the darkness? wtf is going ON HERE!?

yea its been what like 5 ish years now? THE V GANG WAIT WHERE IS VOR!? WTF Vildar, eraqus no no bad dont do it! COME ON NOT AGAIN I DONT WHAT TO FIGHT OTHER KEYBLADE WEILDERS!!! NOOO oh they kicking my butt whelp i got charms so who cares, you are a angry angry child eraqus

yea wheres Vor also STOP SPLITING UP, oh vor is dead now isnt she, here we go again sorry eraqus baldr is long gone, loving that snap for some reason

10 more scenes to go, im so close to the end.....

VOR RUN! Oh wtf! is that his BED ROOM?! WHY IS IT LIKE THAT?! that looks like padded room wtf is it like that, oh he going in a depression spirel real fast, WHY IS A ADUL NOT STEPPING IN TO HELP THIS COULD HAVE BE AVOID!!!?? 7 days of sitting in his messed up room and no on stepped up and in, he fell to the darkness

OH its that darkness, thanks for that maleficent a real stand up job you did, oh man bragi dead, guess he’s not luxu??? that was theory going around at one point i remember, VOR NO RUN CHILD RUN

6 more to go.....

NOOOOOO YESSSS SAVE HER SAAAAAVEEEE HHHEEERRR! V GANG WIN (i know there not but a part of me can hope cant it) “May your heart be your guiding key.” *dies* thats how this is going to go i know it OH look at that heartlesNOOOOOO V GANG DOWN V GANG DOWN, VOR IM CRYING NOW NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT THE MUSIC AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH ;_; vor....

5 more.....

top of the tower.... wait “13 lights must be given to the shadows”? yes do please explain, i can get lose very easily, more chess wording yea, i do think this hearless design is really cool though, good thing i bought a lot of charms cause what else will i use my bp on, sorry baldr darkness its time to die, ah the start of the war crimes path, oh we going to talk about xehanorts hear? its a mess, oh so this isnt that darkness, wait is this a darkling kind of darkness? wait....... nightMARE CHIRITHY???? IS that you!? oh we got a empath on are hands, wait xehanort is a empaht too? what? oh this is her request back from the underworld isnt it, I love Hoder, eraqus is a pure light? ah siblings.

Odin? that you finally doing something? took you long enough, “xehanort, kill him” that whats happing here, empath behavoir, really going to have a CHILD execute someone huh, i mean yea its the darkness but also like come on is there really no other adults around? WHERES YEN SID

1 month later

ah finally the grave yard, havent been here since episode 3? was it 3 the last time we where here? this sucks, like this sucks, they all died, like i knew this was most likely going to happen but still, also like i know i said this the first time i saw this place but man thats a lot of graves, yea maybe come out of your room xehanort if its anything like baldr’s it would do you a lot of good to leave it, i though he was always a glum old man eraqus, how can you put things back to normal with only two kids,

ah hes very sad and wants to step down got it, wait, is odin yen sid?? that doesnt sound right with what we know so who odin??

End

prolog and credFUCKING MOM AGAIN?! IN THE SCALA GRAVE YARD OR IS THAT LUXU? ah bragi figure it out and had to die, ok i really like bragi and i wish we got more time with him, he has that brand of energy to him i love, is he luxu? he has lux/xigbar energy like in the middle of them energy? WAIT HE JUST SAID VESSEL AND THIS BODY! LUXU?!?! LUXU!!!!!!!! “As if!” fucking xigbar brag luxu my rat man that i love, Luxu was bragi all along, all the jokes of him being luxu cause his name was right,

ON NO IM CRYING ITS THE KHUX FINAL STAFF ROLL WHY!??! Its a good song and i kind of wish dark road got it own staff roll but i do understand why it wouldnt as it and khux are heavily tied compard to other games in the series

 Also congrats one more to the two animators Mayu Shumizu and Megumi Yamamoto, Wouldn’t be here without you! not has heavely animated as khux’s ending but still wonderfully done with every animation that was in here

Finally the baby scenes, whats up blue guy, THE MUSIC AHHHH I love this soft soft version of drealy beloved

9 years ago

oh so xehanort is a blue blood..... oh no..... xehanort a child of destiny ment to comment war crimes, “we’re the only ones here” where is every one else on the main island?? so they put him in baby jail to save him from darkness.... HA, no shes dead! but no, really what happen to her? i need to know what happen to the ONE mother we have actually seen, Ephemer ;_; Brain ;_; Lauriam ;_; Ven ;_; SKULD ;_; WHO???? what.... WHAT!? wait wait Wait WAITWAIT WAIT WHAT???!?!?!?!?!?!?!! NO NOOOOOOOOOO

THIS CANT BE RIGHT WHAT???!??!?!!?!?!?!!! OH I HATE THIS SO MUCH WAIT I CANT ICANT WHAT SO PLAYER CHARACTER OF KHUX BECOMES MISSING LINKS PLAYER CHARACTER????? AND THEN WE TAKE BABY XEHANORT AND RAISE HIM???????? NNNNNNNNOOOOOO

OH i actually hate that so much, that doesnt feel right with how khux end, the scene really makes you think you became xehanort and dark road backs that up a lot, so like good plot twist?? I guess?? but also i kind of hate it

“they will be a empath” this feels like its fit sora too, like xehanort got set up to fail cause of this,

FUCK

I CANT I HAD SO MANY ART IDEAS THAT I NEVER FINISHED BASED OF THE PLAYER IS XEHANORT OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OH NOOOOOOOOOO HES WHOS GREAT GREAT WHAT EVER GRANDSON OOOOHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

WE WHERE RIGHT HE IS RELATED TO EPHEMER AHAHHAHAHAHHA

ASLCKNSOVNOFB ICANT OOOOOHHHHHH NOOOO

HOW DO I PROCESS THIS OH NO!!!!!!!!!

THATS TWO GUT PUNCHS BACK TO BACK WTF

i think i need a drink and what ever food will make me pass out

sdnfvoisrnrgvbiodn onv ICANT HAhaHA this is so funny and SO HORRIBLE ALL AT ONCE ICANT 

I still choose to belive that Xehanort is somehow in some way at list a little bit of the khux player, some of those scenes dont make sense to me any other way, and this empath stuff is nuts, wtf,

over all i am happy with this just wish the “player is xehanort” didnt get disproven cause thats just fun to me, khux ending still hit harder

there’s also a q&a that was relesed but no offical translation yet,hopefully we do get one, that may have more info about some of the stuff that went down in khdr and some stuff related to the characters

https://twitter.com/KHDR_PR/status/1563154818138460160

EDIT: Translated Q&A from KH13

 https://www.kh13.com/news/kingdom-hearts-dark-road-translated-tetsuya-nomura-qa-r3736/

[sarcasticcebby]

its obviously an apocalypse but here you are, milling about in a store that reminds you too much of Costco, cramped around other people deciding that the best way to face the end of the world is to get 50% of a giant jar of mixed nuts. You feel like you're trying to press down your panic by walking just a bit faster. Your family is nearby. They're close. Hopefully.

The first time you see it coming, see that shambling mass slicked on the concrete floors. Everyone holds their breath and you feel the hotlines of heaven clog up. A man, or what was, screeches and breaks line- he tears out an old womans throat. The trance broken and the wail raised, the horde moves in. My family, pressing by me, urging me to move to the exit at the end of the aisle. I'm almost there. They're ahead, speed unexpected considering everything. I dont worry too much, I know where they're headed: the city at the other end of the forest is prepared for this and willing to help. An arm yanks out and catches my shirt and pulls. I feel pain, then nothing. I gasp in and things are urgent, bright. I feel mania and excitement thriving inside me, gums tingling. I want to share it but where's my family? I huff, bemused. I dont worry. I know where they're headed.

It fades to black.

The second time, a surprise. I stick closer to my family, nudged by their shoulders, nervous. we're closer to the exit when the wail rises alongside the panic. I glance around, making sure no strangers are approaching.  Nobody is near us. My mother is a little bit behind, says she got a scratch but that's alright. we have medical supplies in the car, band aids and all. We get out the building and head to the car avoiding the shadows dancing in the flames of a pileup. My mother doesn't feel well but we've treated the wound and it's not bleeding anymore and shes fine I'm sure. we make it to the rest stop, a well stocked and clean environment. Makes it stand out more from the side of the road; too saturated I think. the lady at the register tells us that the forest is especially full and that theres a tunnel of half destroyed monsters right before the city, cut down by gunfire. we join a group, safety in numbers, and rush down the path. I avoid grasping hands with red knuckles and black nails. we get in the tunnel. my luck runs dry. A hand grabs my ankle and I feel something twinge. I cry out and my brother is there. something's wrong. He smiles, and lunges.

It fades to black.

It fades in and out several times

We make it to the city- the barrier breaks

I'm running through the forest but I'm chasing something

It flashes more often

Live and die if lucky

always running

what happened to strength in numbers?

The last time, was...

I separated from my family, said I would go alone.  safer for all parties involved. I'm aware I'm probably going to die. I find a knife, finally a weapon. I join a group of strangers, wait way behind them. I hide as they go into the forest. I'm inside the rest stop, lights buzzing faintly. I'm in the janitors closet. I know I'm just delaying the inevitable but I need a break. I sneak out to get supplies but cant pick anything up off the racks. another group comes in. i hold my breath. heart thuds too loudly. they dont hear, thankfully. one guy stays behind, talks with the cashier.  hes planning on taking out the people in the group who are on bikes and selling them. offers to bring them to her so she can facilitate the exchange. she doesnt give an answer. he leaves. I try to sneak out but theres a small group of monsters slouched outside, looking in. they dont get close but I feel they're looking for something. I look at the cashier but I feel like shes trying not to look my way. finally we lock eyes and she motions under the counter. She explains that I broke the cycle and they're waiting for me to go back to playing my part. I ask if I can stay there, help out. she says that she exists as a separate lifeform and exists only for a certain duty. I cant stay in there. she offers to stock up a few items and distract the creatures so I can exit through a window.

We work out a plan. I promise to visit again and her perpetual smile wavers a little at the edges. her eyes are sad. I open the window as she causes the distraction and move to slide out.

I wake up.

[ambientbroth]

Self-Diagnosed Autism Journal Entry 11

My apartment is hell. I can’t wait to live in my school bus, here are a few things that I deal with on a daily basis.

When my downstairs neighbor takes a shower the pipes start “singing” and it’s this high pitched noise for how ever long and it drives me insane you can hear it throughout

The dishwasher accumulates water, therefore, we need to run the dishwasher twice a day and we hate the dishwasher. Hate dishwasher noise

The kitchen vent light makes that horrible electric light noise and so does the overhead sink light.. lots of humming, outdated, dirty electronics in my apartment oh yes

Horrendous lighting - everywhere! All the light switches turn on the most weirdest places and horrible light bulb types

When the AC is turned off there’s this droning, humming sound that is just ongoing.

The cabinets are too deep, inaccessible, broken, caked with grease from previous owners, and weird/horrible placement. You can’t fit anything in this kitchen. You may be thinking “well cabinets aren’t hard to figure out” but these motherfuckers will have you on your ass I promise.

The kitchen drawers are all broken from the sliding wheel thing - you know the thing that makes the drawers move… yeah all broken. So everytime I go to a persons house I open they’re drawers.. it’s.. wow I need to write that down that’s an OCD trait.

The apartment placement is too close to the main road, there’s so much car noise, too many sirens, and the traffic here is so busy. Our porch faces the parking lot so it feels like a spotlight on us

They will randomly shut off the water! That’s ILLEGAL. They do maintenance without telling us and the water shuts off FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING FOR HOURS. it happened yesterday for 6 hours.

My toilet flushes ✨excessively✨ I mean it takes so much water and makes so much noise. The whole thing alone is probably like 2 minutes of toilet sound

My tub drain MY MOTHER FUCKING TUB DRAIN! IT JUST DRAINS! IT DOESNT HOLD WATER! I mean it will but immediately it’ll start the draining process. No quiet bath. Only drain noises

But this is my apartment and I’ve always wanted independence. So even though this is an expensive shit show it’s still my home and I have to love my home.

The hallway lights are all broken. There are 4 big box fluorescent lights. Can’t see shit but it’s way better than bright overhead LED blaring humming lights, plus our neighbor set out a lamp so we get ✨ambience✨

Landlord specials are everywhere❤️ if you don’t know what a landlord special is, it’s when landlords will paint a chunky white paint over layers and layers of other chunky white paint to make the place look ✨brand new✨ - it’s actually disgusting but I love finding Easter eggs in my apartment I think it’s hilarious. In my apartment the landlord specials are; the bathroom cabinet hinges, one human hair in the paint, and one bug

There’s a large outdoor cat community. People set out food and shelters for strays. People will attempt to catch them in small cages to be spayed or nurtured because we’ve had some babies. My cats are spayed so I let them out and there’s really no problems

There’s also a big squirrel, geese, crow, and raccoon community - but big emphasis on the squirrels.. they are actually really scary and extremely dominant. They will bark at you from 9 feet up because they feel threatened by your presence lol

I’m not even naming my apartment things now lol

I guess it’s spacious and I can make different hideouts and different rooms (2 rooms, 2 living spaces, since we don’t have a dining table, and a kitchen)

We can smoke weed and no one will care!

We can vocal stim as loud as we want and no one will knock on the door or call the cops

FREE STUFF AT ALL THE DUMPSTERS😍 I LOVE TRASH

There’s a meadow about 180 paces from my apartment

Gas fire stove, it have horrible temperature control but I still like cooking with fire

Out of all the big horrible sensory things and realizing a home should be the place where I love the most, it’s still my home.

Which doesn’t really change anything, i can’t wait to move.

[maaaxx]

maize and fog for the ask game <3

Maize: Weirdest encounter you've had with a stranger on the street.

I live out in the middle of no where and im never in public so i dont have a lot of encounters with strangers, BUT,,,,.

A few weeks ago I was walking somewhere from my college and as previously stated, I dont have much experience with being in cities and towns and stuff so like i have no idea what your doing in terms of pedestrian etiquette and how you interact with cars when your walking and stuff like that.

So this place i was going was like a block (??? wtf does a 'block' even mean?) from my college and I have to cross a really busy road to get there but it has one of those like slanted line things across the road and i think cars are supposed to stop when someone is crossing one of those. (atleast i always stop, someone really needs to take my liscence away i dont know who decided to give it to me). And so there was this car that was stopped to let me cross and they like waved me across and so i was like ' oh okay' and went to cross but there was another car like right beside them and they were both parked like a weird distance away from the line thing and so i walked in front of the first car and when i got in front of the second car that I didnt see they like slammed on the freaking gas and i was like two feet from getting hit with a freaking car, and the girl driving looked like the middle aged Karen type and she was just glaring at me the entire time and i dont know what happened, like if i wasnt supposed to cross or if this girl was trying to kill me or what but i swear my life flashed before my eyes.

The other person who waved me over was a dude and he asked me if i was okay and everything and he ended up going to the same place i was going and he paid for my food and was really nice, his name was Josh and yeah.

I don't know if that qualifies as 'weird' but its the first thing that came to mind.

I made a comment or a post or something about me having no idea how to cross a street and almost getting hit by a car while i was on my way to a restaurant thing to write ihiap chapter 10 (i think) and thats what happened. But like i genuinely dont know if that was my fault or not, so yeah.

Fog: How well do you think you'd do in a zombie apocalypse.

So im one of those people who never fully understood why people put so much effort into surviving the apocalypse. Like there's nothing else to live for, you cant tell me dying would be worse than literally having no life and living in fear of literal monsters and all your friends and family dying and the potential that they will all die at any given moment. Like whats the point??? In all reality I would probably not even put an effort into trying to live, its just not worth the effort it would take to survive.

You know those people who talk about going so far to 'protect their freedom' that when you actually think about it, they're not actually free? Like people threatening to live out in the middle of the woods to hide from the government if vaccines become actually required or they take away their guns or something. Like you're willing to take every bit of joy and activity because of this 'freedom' being taken away?? Doesnt make sense.

I would rather die than know that there's no way im ever going to be safe or feel joy or having to fight that hard for my survival. Some might say im weak for it, but im just not a survivor i guess.

But to entertain the quesiton, if I did genuinely try I think I would be able to survive. I live so close to the Appalachian mountains, my plan for any type of disaster like that is to just start hiking. It's so unexplored and theres places that are so isolated that the probability of anyone being close enough to you to be a threat is very slim.

Im also very good at being alone. Like I have like three people that I would trust in that situation, and I dont care about other people enough to take the risk of letting others tag along. I think I would be like a 'secondary leader' and i come from a family of fishers, hunters, trackers, farmers, you know the type. And so i think i would be able to provide for myself well enough.

[weirdmageddon]

five years too late let’s analyze this. the commentary has gotten me back into gravity falls reigniting thoughts and insights i came to years ago

i love everything about this commentary in general it hits the points of humor, genuine analysis of the characters, but most of all im so glad hirsch addressed that the droid not detecting any fear from dipper here doesnt make any scientific sense because that was a massive CinemaSins moment for me

IDK the fact that dipper can fucking stand after an airship crash because theres a bigger threat at hand is literally one of the defining capabilities owed to adrenaline lol...... IM SORRY im a biopsychology student if i dont point that out iwill seethe and die because that was just . its a grudge ive held for a long time about this episode but didnt rant about because it was something so minor and i’m sure nobody would care.

i was 13 when this episode came out and i’m almost 19 now, i had a special interest in biology and i still do but now i’m actually having college classes in biopsychology so i can give my arguments more oomph now. and i have to say, now that i know more about the brain and autonomic nervous system the more this scene bugs me, if that was even possible. and it says a lot of dipper and ford’s relationship.

if dipper clearly wasnt calm before, why would he be now just because he’s put up an outwardly confident facade? before he was in the flight but now hes in the fight. my boy just rode on top of a spaceship by nothing but a magnet gun that could detach at any time if it failed and then the ship crashed, he sustained injuries, is in emotional turmoil because he thinks his uncle is Fucking Dead and the threat of a security droid that detects adrenaline is on his tail and produces a Big Fucking Gun in response to dipper saying “i hAvE a MaGNeT gUn” and hes screaming and has his teeth clenched but sure there’s no adrenaline coursing through his body in that moment i can totally believe that

when dipper asks what happened, ford says “the orb didn’t detect any chemical signs of fear, it assumed the threat was neutralized and self-disassembled” but i don’t think measuring someone’s heartbeat alone is particularly relevant in detecting ... chemical signs of fear?? they dont really tell you this shit but noradrenaline (and maybe adrenaline too if the acetylcholine from sympathetic outflow always activates the adrenal medulla??, theres two pathways) is always active in small quantities to make sure your parasympathetic nervous system doesnt slow your heart to dangerous levels on its own, regardless of your emotions. it’s just a homeostatic mechanism. your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems are CONSTANTLY modulating control of your organs on a see-saw, literally with every breath you take. simply standing upright causes specialized mechanoreceptor neurons in blood vessels to signal your brain to project signals to release catecholamines via the sympathetic nervous system to constrict your blood vessels so that blood is able to reach your brain and not pool in your legs. i have a deficiency in my body’s ability to adapt to this which is why i know so much about it. if i stand up my heart races to compensate. i’m not feeling fear, my body is just adjusting—albeit grossly and incompetently lol.

but what im saying here is that the security system is flawed. it’s a cool idea to have security droids detect fear, but in practice by detecting adrenaline, and not even directly by detecting the molecule itself—it’s done in a roundabout way by reading the heartbeat, could be a recipe for false alarms. like what if someone’s on beta-blockers. that’s not really an adequate way to measure “fear”; there’s so many variables that could interfere with the measurement the farther you abstract from what you’re really trying to detect. and besides, adrenaline is NOT just a sign of fear, it’s just for preparing the body for action. i know the sympathetic nervous system and adrenaline is constantly linked with the “fight-or-flight” reaponse to a stressor, but 99.9% of the time the sympathetic nervous system is used in your life is to balance out your parasympathetic nervous system to maintain homeostatic equilibrium for mundane things.

i think detecting amygdalar activation would be more efficient in detecting fear. the amygdala sends projections to the hypothalamus which then in turn modulates the autonomic nervous systems. but the amygdala is intensely activated specifically in response to a fear-inducing stimulus (it does activate in response to other emotions but they’re mostly negative and is most activated by startle and fear), and wouldnt be highly activated by many other confounding variables like measurement of the heartbeat could be. the amygala is one of the first stops directly from external stimuli.

to show you how integrated the amygdala is as the first step in registering fear after receiving input from sensory stimuli let’s look at the auditory-amygdala connection for example

see how the auditory thalamus projects to the primary auditory cortex and auditory association cortex? the cortex is where conscious awareness of what the stimuli is comes from. this is the “high road”. it goes sensing -> perception -> emotional response. but sometimes you can be startled without even processing what it is you’re sensing, like the startle response of an alarm or a phone ringing in a quiet house before you even register what it is. this goes sensing -> emotional response, without perception happening until after you’ve already felt the startle. that’s when it takes the “low road”. here’s a simplified version:

even if that were the case with these droids though it’s obvious dipper is still fearful on some level here. his body language, voice, expressions all give it away. for the amygdala, aggression isnt too off from fear so it would be detected equally.

the reason this is so important is because ford uses this as evidence for why dipper is special, “i did it?” “you did it. this is what i was talking about, how many 12 year olds do you think are capable of doing what you’ve just done?”

but like....did he really? i’m not saying this to shoot dipper down or make him out to be more of a wuss, he was incredibly strong-willed here and i dont want to take that away from him because it WAS growth on his part. but the underlying psychophysiological reactions of aggression and fear shouldn’t be that different and this was a total asspull. maybe the droid was so old that it fucked up. maybe dipper being covered in grime and dirt made it harder for the droid to measure the correct heart rate through photoplethysmography (im assuming since they use a camera and are non-contact).

and in all honesty everything i just said brings into question the interpersonal healthiness of ford’s judgements, what he thinks, his expectations, and how he communicates that. in this video alex already talks about how ford is projecting onto dipper. and i think ford may be projecting his expectations for himself onto people who are not him, and the fact that it’s on dipper here makes it far more unfortunate. you realize how much this boy idolizes ford, right? how much impressions matter? dipper even tells himself before he leaves in this same episode, “all right dipper, this is your first big mission with great uncle ford. don’t mess this up.”

even though it’s unstated, the implicit message dipper is perceiving from ford based on their dynamic is: “do you have what it takes for me to be proud of you?” and to accomplish this he must be like ford, even though he’s clearly not and he knows this. he says “i don’t think have what it takes. i was tricked by bill, i was wrong about stan’s portal, heck, i can’t even operate this magnet gun right.” then, by simple chance without even knowing what he did, he activates the magnet gun and pulls out the adhesive, which immediately takes the focus away from what dipper was telling ford about his feelings of inadequacy to ford saying, “yes! dipper, you found the adhesive!”

these thoughts of dipper’s hang in the air without resolve or comment from ford. we don’t know what ford would have said. but it then becomes painfully self-evident in the scene immediately after when the droids emerge and ford tells dipper, “they’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. you simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you”, to which dipper replies with an exasperated (and rightful) “WHAT?”

dipper goes in a panic trying to indirectly tell his uncle that this isn’t something he can do. and he is completely right and valid to be freaked out by that full stop. that IS crazy. you can’t control your fear. you can control how you interpret that fear in your higher brain regions but the physiological changes will stick around for longer than it takes to cognitively calm down. it’s easy for me to detach from my emotions to analyze them, but being able to do this does not come naturally for everyone. even i have an irrational fear of wasps and i can’t control it by detaching myself, my body is just automatically primed to get the fuck out of there. i know it’s stupid and i know it’s irrational and isn’t helpful to get myself worked up but i literally can’t stop how my body reacts no matter how i cognitively think about it. expecting composure from dipper in a situation like this when he’s being made to consciously be aware of his anxiety is absolutely fucking insane. look what you did, placing these cruel expectations on him, now he’s afraid of being afraid! this isn’t a case where two wrongs cancel out, they just stack on top of each other.

there’s a good reason these scenes were put side by side but it seems up until now it had remained unanalyzed.

what dipper fears from ford is disappointment. not living up to his uncle’s (quite frankly badly placed) expectations for a twelve year old with anxiety. not once did ford say or subliminally communicate “i don’t expect you to be able to do what i can since you are not as experienced as i am and that’s perfectly okay, no judgements”. you don’t put a child on bike before training wheels. you don’t throw a kid into a swimming pool without giving them swimming lessons. the way ford is doing it, there’s no room for trial and error or mistakes that are an opportunity to grow and learn; instead, it’s life or death. he only seems to pride dipper on what he can do while ignoring the underlying struggles that plague him and never making it known it’s okay for dipper to fail in front of his hero and that he won’t think anything less of him for it.

and that’s why i found the ending scene for dipper and ford’s adventure in this episode to feel so.. wrong. on a scientific and social level. because by the sound of it ford focused more on what dipper had done to dismantle the droid (the droid not detecting any fear) instead of how dipper displayed love and protection for him even if he was truly afraid. what if the science was accurate and the droid detected adrenaline while dipper was confidently standing up for his uncle. would ford still be proud of him regardless?

[marvelling-at-marvel-blog]

I feel like that episode of 9-1-1 was 90% perfection. I honestly was 100% invested in both storylines and at no point was I wanting to see more of one than the other. I may be alone in this but I actually enjoy Billy a lot. I love that Grace could go through labor and still constantly put Billy in his place. She is a queen and Charlie has the 2 best parents a girl could ask for.

Ah Tarlos. Carlos I love you, you are probably the best partner a person can have but as an amazing as a gesture as it is, you can't go buying houses and putting  people names in it, and TK baby, you cant just run away when things get hard. Yeah Carlos went a little to big but you broke the poor guys heart instead of having the difficult converations. I honeslty believe that for Carlos money doesn't matter as long as they are togther so the break up would have broken him seeing he was thinking they where gonna spend the rest of thier lives together. He has every right to be mad.

My biggest problem with the episode blends into the problem with the show in general and that is to much happens off screen. Almost all of Grace's pregnancy, how the 126 split after Owen left. I want to see how they left one by one till it was just my girl Marjan fighting the good fight.

Watching Rafa kill these scenes was a treat (He is just so talented) but I feel kind of ripped off in this Tarlos storyline. We had them break up off screen, months of them apart off screen. I would have liked to see them both dealing with not being together as much as it would hurt to watch. Then we see how hurt Carlos is with the break up and the anger he holds. Then TK wakes up and we time skip again to seeing them back together and happy. I would kill to see that path back to being a couple because I think there is a story of TK getting Carlos's trust and forgiveness and for Carlos to underatand where he went wrong. (Also kind of want to see Andrea give TK a piece of her mind, tough love) I kind of felt like this whole storyline outside of this single episode really showed no growth for TK or Carlos. The reason for the break up deserved more time to be explored.

Then we jump to the 126 being completly rebuilt and back together. Tim said he likes to show the road back to being togther but as far as I can tell 90% of that road was all of screen and in time jumps, we missed a lot of opportunity to see these characthers journeys. I may be alone in this but I dont undersatnd why they feel they have to run in current time just because you go on hiatus doesnt mean you need to time jump with the time that has passed. It feels like we have never spent any real time with these charcathers without weeks passing between episodes.

I know it seems like I only have negatives to say but I do love this show and this was a great, amazing episode just the last few minutes disappointed me.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

Okay so yknow the adele song 'rolling in the deep'

but these lyrics here;

"We could have had it all,

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

Rolling in the deep

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart inside of your hands

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

And you played it to the beat

(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)"

As shigadabi (or any other ship) angst

(Sorry if this doesnt make sense my mind is running in circle rn and had to get this off of my mind)

KEHEBEKHRBDKFIFJFO I MEAN YES

Consider:

The general situation is that Tomura refuses to go with the heroes and he thinks Dabi is a traitor for going back to his family.

At the same time, Dabi is very confused and angry because he thinks Tomura manipulated him into being a villain.

(Both idiots are wrong but when they are angry and sad, there's not stopping them. You know how it is.)

Tomura is the one singing in between lines and Dabi is singing the main lyrics.

Consider as a bonus the heroes finally getting to know what the hell was the type of relationship the League had with each other. gossip time.

Endeavor getting offended by Dabi having something not only with any guy, not only with a villain, but also with the biggest villain out there, WHO WAS HIS BOSS.

On the other hand, the League is like WE KNEW IT. YOU TWO GOT SOMETHING FOR THE OTHER.

It's like that one revelation during a dinner where the thing is said, there's a minute of silence and then everyone starts screaming at the same time and there's people standing, forks pointing, food flying.

Tomura and Dabi promising to ruin the other's life is sooooo funny to me because they're going from rivals / to boss and worker / to friends / to almost lovers / to enemies / to that one person that is not your ex but is kinda your ex / to bickering redemption partners / to bitter lovers with a bunch of regrets / to boyfriends.

No one have a clue of what's happening expect Izuku, who keeps track in one of his notebooks. He gives updates every Friday on the class 1-A dorms using PowerPoint presentations.

You know how Mamma Mia is just ABBA songs? This is the same but it's Shigadabi with Adele songs. Such drama queens.

Somehow Hawks keeps getting trapped in the middle of the situation because 1) he enjoys gossiping, 2) he goes to buy chicken wings at the worst times, several times a week, 3) both Tomura and Dabi hate him a lot so either they are using him against the other, or they are joining forces to hate him.

Class 1-B and class 1-A have bets about when are they going to kiss, who's gonna give up first, if it's gonna be romantic or kinda bloody, etc.

The entire Japan population agrees this is way better than having them around killing people. At least now they are more like a reality show or something.

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY ANGSTY, OKAY? DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE COMEDY.

Why? Because trust is a big deal for both Dabi and Tomura. Everything is laughter until Dabi starts screaming about how Tomura was the first person he trusted after what happened to him when he was still Touya, but he took him down a corrupting road and never cared to push him away, never care to help him, he never care about him at all. And Tomura starts screaming about how he knows he ruins everything he touches and gets killed all the people he had ever loved, but he's tired of people running away from him, specially if he likes that person. Growing up he could only think about how he was a monster and he never cared about anything as much as he cared about the League, but Dabi is making it sound like Tomura is like AFO, and it hurts more than any fight he has lived through. He's not like AFO. HE'S NOT LIKE HIM.

At some point Dabi goes back to his villainous ways right at the same time as Tomura starts redeeming himself. And it's a mess of a situation.

Tomura almost gets killed by AFO at some point, and they can barely save him. They take him to a hospital and the Todosiblings really need to restrain Dabi from burning down his way to Tomura's room because no visits are allowed.

You can imagine how guilty they both feel about the things they've implied about the other.

The Todosiblings stay with Dabi the whole night because they know Dabi is in a dark place and he can't be alone with his sadness. But after three nights, Dabi runs away to find the members of the League. He only feels sane with them around, even if it's because they have seen the worst of him and they have never judged.

When Tomura finally wakes up, Dabi is the one visit he gets, courtesy of Deku and Shoto influence.

Tomura refuses to look at the traitor walking into his room. Dabi is so angry and so sad and so worried, but he just stands there, feeling like he's burning again, the disappointment on Tomura all over his skin.

But they almost lost each other. Dabi will never forget how helpless he felt when he saw Tomura on TV fighting AFO, his body falling apart, his stupid red eyes dark and empty.

Tomura swallows how he could only think about the League while almost dying. He could only think I failed them I failed them I failed them.

It's Dabi who moves first, taking Tomura's hand. He's careful to not end up decayed.

Tomura almost yells and tries to push away, but Dabi takes it, rest his forehead on it, trembling.

And he sings quietly that stupid song.

“ I can't help feeling

We could've had it all ”

And Tomura sobs a little. He is being careful, but he asks in a tiny voice for Dabi to let go. He doesn't want to... He doesn't want to accidentally kill him.

Dabi refuses: “Your hand. It's cold.”

It's in that white room with dark curtains and a closed door that Dabi tells Tomura that he regrets meting him.

And Tomura's heart stops. Until he feels the drop of blood over his hand and hears the words that come after.

Dabi regrets meting him too late when he's already fucked up, when all he has is the same rage that is drowning his siblings, the same rage ...

... That had them both running around, Tomura finishes before Dabi could.

They talk. No one's knows what they talk about. No one knows what happens in that room that night.

They are still very angry, very sad, very many things, but they also know they are madly in love with the other and they don't want to crash and burn alone.

They made a pretty good team, in fact.

The end.

I need to stop getting carried away and giving you guys so much nonsense. Sorry.

[owlbeanies]

AU In which the beta Trolls cheat In sgrub in order to avoid the jack situation and managed to shoot themselves back in time onto alternia. They get separated into multiple small groups.

Story follows mainly follows karkat and gamzee at first. This is well before murderstuck, and gamzee is useful for all of two seconds before getting horrendous sick from withdrawal. It might not be so bad if they had a reliable way of getting food and other resources(such as an alchemizer) but sadly they've found themselves in the middle of a city pre-second rebellion with not a penny to either of their names.

Karkat is stressed. He is very stressed. He has to find a way to provide for both of them in a matter a nights without also getting caught and dieing. He makes a smart decision to hide his sign, not because he realizes it puts him in danger, no, because he immediately decides the only course of action that makes sense is to turn to a life of crime(petty theft) and he doesn't want his crimes attached to his sign incase he has to sign-off on some legal bullshit later.

Gamzee is dieing. Not really he's okay 60% of the time and does what he can to help, but honestly the boy can't stand for 30 seconds without trying to throw up his guts. Gamzee pretty much serves as a decoy to throw off anyone looking for karkat. He is the least intimidating thing out there, but boy can he play up the "let me call my friends " card, which with his sign is terrifying enough to prevent any mildly inconvenienced person to ask questions.

At some point karkat runs into dualscar. Now he knows of dualscar through eridan, and he's a little freaked out at first but nothing comes of it so whatever. But then he keeps running into him. It might be partially his fault. Drunk people are really easy to rob and all the bars are a short walk from the docks so of course he's probably going to run into a couple of sea dwellers. Besides, he's only ever spoken 2 words to the fucker on accident and he doubts he was even noticed. As long as he keeps his distance he should be fine.

Gamzee’s getting a whole lot worse a whole lot faster, and karkat has pissed off the wrong person. He might have accidentally stolen from and subsequently injured a legislators' quad and now they need to flee town REAL fucking quick. Only problem being they don't have a map, and all the maps in town are the really fucking stupid ones that are far more complicated than they need to be for the sake of- what? Looking nice? Either way none of them are simple road maps and maybe if he had enough time to stare at them he could figure out where to go without getting lost, but time isn't something they have and gamzee knows how to read them quickly, so he packs the clown up and carries him to the map board. Gamzee can't see straight and even the small amount of light from the partially blocked moons manages to feel as if he just stared directly into the sun but boy does he try.

Dualscar meanwhile is sitting across the street in one of those face outdoor restaurant tables watching these two kids scramble to read a map. He downs whatever he's drinking and walks over because what in the fuck are they doing?

Karkat tells him to fuck off and mind his business.

He doesn't.

Gamzee figures out where they need to go and points.

They're offered a ride.

They both adamantly refuse because no absolutely not that is a horrible idea they will not be doing that ever. Then a legislator walks around a street corner in the background and they seriously consider it.

They both end up on the boat one way or the other, and not necessarily because they had a choice. Dualscar writes gamzee off as dead immediately and has him put with the other prisoners on the ship to be forgotten about. He doesnt know what he has and doesn't really care either. Karkat on the other hand is treated decently well. He got stuck doing basic bitch ship work, but hes fine. Any free time he has he spends taking care of gamzee who lost all coherence shortly after being picked up.

When they hit the docks karkat is paid for his time and told to run off now. Karkat is pleasantly surprised and is glad to be back on land, theres just one problem, wheres gamzee? Karkat is basically told "haha yeah no I'm keeping that one" and is no longer pleased. After one of many long winded and empty threats, he's then told the ships leaving in a week and he's free to join them again if he wishes.

Angry and alone karkat stops off into the new city.

He return, rather quickly at that, after spending everything he had on medicine and other essentials. Immediately he's back at Gamzee’s side. The ship sets sail again right on schedule and gamzee finally seems to be improving. It takes a few months for him to figure out how to stand on his own but once he gets it he's as hyperactive as ever to his own detriment. His balance is shot, and he's somehow clumsier than before. He keeps getting himself hurt and even worse than that, he's annoying the guards with his constant rambling. Karkat has on multiple occasions been sent down to shut him up for a few hours.

The second he's able to work, he's put to work and thank fuck that seems to shut him up. Any time they hit land they're both paid but only one of them is allowed to leave at any given time. It's stupid, it's annoying, they both know why it's done, and it's not like there's anything they can do about it. At least they're living better than they were.

Enviably karkat gets hurt. They get hit with a storm and karkat arm get pinch between two bits of metal. The injuries isn't terrible but it did rip off a decent amount of skin. Even in the heavy rain it's not possible to hide. While no one paid him any mind in the chaos once the storm had settled he's well aware of how royally fucked he is. Gamzee for the first time anyone has seen him is pissed. He's hyper aggressive towards anyone in his vicinity. The second karkat could be whisked away he boarded them in one of the sleeping quarters and threatens anyone who tries to open the door. It gets bad enough dualscar has to come in and swat at the both of them for being dumb. Karkats having a panic attack. Lil ol' gamzee who nearly breaks his neck 3 times a weak tripping over his own shoes is squaring up for a fight. There is no fight. No one cares about karkat. Infact they were keenly aware of karkat's blood the second they saw him all that time ago. Why do you think they fought so hard to keep hold of some random wrigglers? That boat is the safest place for them. When dual was asked why he’d help them at all if he knew, he just shrugged and said he owed someone a favor and keeping karkat alive was his way of repaying it.

Shit gets squared away. Sort of. The both of them are still extremely uncomfortable about the whole ordeal for months but not a thing comes out of it. Nothing bad at least. The two find themselves getting more comfortable on the ship. They start seeing the rest if the crew as friends and grow tight bonds with a lot of them.

Karkat, now freed from the constant nagging fear of getting found out, ends up far more bold than he otherwise would be. The rule stating only one is allowed to leave at a time is still there, but pushing his luck is his new favorite pass time.

Gamzee sustained numerous injuries from his sickness. Even sweeps later he still hasn't fully recovered. It's not obvious. He functions just fine on his own but one night he'd been out walking the town on his own and he ran across a group of subjugs. He's younger and smaller than the lot of them, not to mention a stranger, but they still invited him out for drinks and gossip. He goes, and hours later he returns safely, tipsy and a little high off whatever they were smoking, but safe. Dual take him out back to yell at him almost as soon as he returns. He's confused. He's gone drinking on his own before, and he's been out with karkat numerous times more, and never has he been screamed at for it. He takes offense. The only difference he can see is them being purple. They're family, his family, but that doesn't mean he'd run off with them. He'd never leave karkat behind, not ever would he dream of abandoning him. But that wasn't the problem. He put karkat in danger. He put the crew in danger. Is he really so deadpanned that he didn't think partying with the grand highblood and crew was a bad idea? Now Gamzee’s lost. When did he run into his ancestors? No one introduced themselves as such. He hadn't seen them. Didn't really see anyone actually, especially not the person wearing the same sign as him, embroidered fancily across their chest and down their arms.

Hes blind. For all he fought that label, stating he still saw shapes and colors, for the first time he had to admit it to someone. He begged him not to tell karkat. The last thing he wanted was to worry him. He was told he needed to, at some point, preferably soon, tell him himself. He left the conversation with a new rule placed on him for the time being. He's not allowed off the ship alone anymore.

[le0watch]

langa grimaces as he steps out of his carriage, shoes chuffing against the pavement ground. the sounds of downtown london fills his ears, ranging from the chitchat of workers and civilians to the clomping of horse's hooves on the streets. it's raining today- of course it has to be raining. why wouldn't it be on his already least favorite day of the week?

his servant steadily holds an umbrella over his and his mother's heads to keep the raindrops from drenching them. he, of course, isnt saved from getting wet, but this is his job. langa will just make sure to pay him extra for his work this month, and make sure that he doesn't catch a cold from the cool breezes brushing by.

today, he and his mother are visiting the busy streets of london per her request. since langa's father died and the large erikson heritage was passed down to langa, shes been asking him for numerous favors, including this weekly walk through the busy, muggy streets of london.

now, langa doesn't hate the people or the peasants or whatever you want to call them. he's just not a fan of the constant rain and loud chatter of said people around him. they're all incredibly loud and irritating, and sometimes he'd like them to be quiet while he and his mother are there. but that's not the point of their trips. his mother came from poverty before langa's father had found her and fallen for her, before he'd proposed to her. moving from japan to england during this time had given his mother a horrible disadvantage against any of the nobility or even white people of the lower classes.

but his father had been infatuated with her, and she became infatuated by him. they married for love, a rare occurence these days. then, they'd had him, and he loved his large home and the days he spent with his mother in the garden or the days he went with his father to the various horse stables they owned.

he can't visit the stables with his father anymore, however. because his father died a year ago, leaving their large fortune on the shoulders of langa, barely old enough to chose what happens with that wealth.

he insists in private that his mother make mistakes of the financial decisions, since he's still in the process of learning his family's buisness. she agreed to do it, in exchange for trips to the busy streets of london, where they could make donations to small charities or poor families that need the help.

honestly, it's a win win situation for langa. he doesn't have to fully handle the responsibilities of his family's fortune, and he has always wanted to help the poor, like his father. because when his father was living, he would hold monthly giveaways of some of their stables' foals to the poorest of the city.

other families of nobility often turned their noses up at what langa's father did for the poor, not that his father ever cared.

that's what probably got him killed.

"where shall we visit first, mother?" langa asks, holding his arm out for her take. she loops her arm through his, smiling up at him for his manners.

"i was thinking the orphanage down the road," she replies as they begin to walk. their servant- kaoru, langa's favorite servant and teacher- follows close behind to keep the umbrella over their heads the entire time. he wants to tell kaoru that he could cover himself with his own umbrella, but he already knows that he would be denied. kaoru has always been very serious about his job.

"as you wish," he says with a small smile.

their visit to the orphanage is longer than they'd originally intended. the owner of the orphanage needed help moving some heavier objects and boxes, and so langa had stepped in. she was instantly grateful to him, and only became moreso when he handed her a large wad of cash.

"thank you so much, mister erikson," she said, bowing low to him. his mother was in the background, entertaining the children. "are you sure there's no way we can repay you?"

"you can by taking care of the sick children here," langa replied, and she nodded eagerly.

they'd left soon afterwards, kaoru waiting outside for them. his long, pink hair is pulled back in a ponytail today, and he's wearing his favorite kamino. he was also born in japan, like his mother, and had been a friend of hers before she'd moved here. he moved not long after her, and she hired him as their servant and langa's tutor. he's been around for as long as langa could remember.

suddenly, there's a flash of red ahead of them, and a kid- not of the orphanage- rams into his side, knocking them both over in the process. langa hits the muddy ground with a grunt, before the kid is apologizing profusely, bowing his head continuously. he's in scrappy clothes, and is soaked to the bone.

"it's fine," langa tells him, and the kid relaxes. "don't worry about it." he wipes the mud from his shirt as kaoru helps him stand, and his mother hurries over to look him over. they're all soaked at this point.

"sorry again!" the kid exclaims, before running off.

with langa's donation wallet in hand.

normally, langa wouldnt bat an eye at stolen money. his family's wealth is nearly endless. but that's the money he's using for his trip with his mom today- and he doesn't have anything extra. he doesn't want to cut this trip short- his mom loves it too much.

he takes off after the kid without much thought, ignoring the calls from his mother and servant. the kid lets out a loud laugh once he notices he's being chased, before two more kids that look identical to him fall in step behind him. langa's eyes widen- they have this thought out.

they end up running through twisting alleyways, and langa is hardly keeping up. every time he gets close, they duck away or slide around another corner, throwing him off. he grits his teeth together, lungs beginning to burn from the exertion.

the kids run across a crowded street, easily weaving through its crowded traffick. langa skids you a stop just before crossing, before giving chase once more. he reaches a hand out, about to grab one of the buggers- when they suddenly leap at a building's front, scaling its side like a ladder. he stops in his tracks, gaping as they reach the roof, pointing at his with laughter.

he's so busy gaping, he doesn't even notice he's still standing in the middle of busy traffick until a coachman is shouting at him to move, with the horses screeching with terror. his heart stops beating- oh god, he's about to die like his father had, leaving his mom all alone. he already knows he won't be able to move in time.

but then something- or rather, someone- crashes into his back, knocking him to safer ground instantly. the horses and carriage roar past where he'd just been, and he pants on the ground, the person who'd saved his life still over him.

"wow- you nearly died," the person- man- above him says between pants, finally peeling away from him. langa pushes up with shaking arms, bruises and scrapes burning at his skin. geez, kaoru is going to kill him- he ripped his pants. he then looks up at his savior, and all thoughts leave his mind.

the most gorgeous man he's ever seen sits in front of him, soaked curly hair still a brilliant shade of bright red, poking out from the under side of a grey ball cap. his eyes are a beautiful honey amber, shining with mischief and a kind soul. his tan skin is peppered with freckles, along the cheeks on his face and his shoulders and forearms. he has a crooked grin as bright as the sun- making langa almost believe that it had stopped raining and the clouds had opened up. he's wearing a thin and torn short sleeved shirt, a pair of suspenders over his shoulders keeping his pair of black pants up.

lord have mercy on langa's soul. he's already fallen for the stranger that had saved his life. it didn't even matter that he was a man. langa could feel his heart thudding in his chest, and heat gathering in his cheeks. he can't even respond. luckily, the man- around his age- does it for him.

"lucky i was there to save your ass, huh?" he says with a bright chuckle. he has the same accent as his mother's and kaoru's, with a similar facial structure to both. he must be from japan too, then. langa opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water, and the redhead's grin only widens. he reaches a hand out, wiping a splotch of mud from langa's paper white cheek. the heat in langa's cheeks worsens. the redhead then looks up at the roof where the kids are still perched at, watching with wide eyes. "they took something of yours, huh?"

"y- yeah," langa replies shakily, wanting to hit himself for sounding so pathetically like a schoolgirl with a crush. the guy doesnt seem to take notice- either that, or he doesn't point it out.

"right. be right back," the redhead says, before slipping past langa and leaping onto the side of the building. the kids at the top screech with surprise, before disappearing just as the redhead reaches the top, leaping over while calling, "tom, rick, toby- get your asses back here!"

horrifyingly, the kids leap from one rooftop to the next, somehow not slipping and falling off the edge. and even more horrifyingly, the redhead follows with amazing grace, landing perfectly, grabbing to of the kid's by their shoudlers. the third stops, dropping his head like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"right. which of you have it," the redhead asks, loud enough for langa to hear. langa is surprised by the strength the redhead has- he's able to lift two children clear off the ground without much effort. his arms aren't shaking or wavering at all! the kids don't answer, pouting. "don't make me talk to your mum about this-"

"toby has it!" two of the kids cry out at the same time, and the third glares at them both with betrayal.

the redhead sets the two kids he's holding back down, and holds his hand out expectantly. the kid- toby- pouts some more before relunctantly dropping langa's wallet into the redhead's hand.

"thank you very much," the redhead says, pocketing langa's wallet. he points at each kid individually. "i catch you three stealing from nice men like him again, and i'll stop bringing home candy for you after work."

"no!" all three kids cry at once. the redhead tuts.

"right. don't do it again," he says firmly, before shooing the triplets away.

the redhead then slides down the side of the building, hit the wet ground with a splash. langa watches with disbelief as he casually saunters over, handing him his wallet back once he's reached him.

"sorry about them," the redhead says. "they live with just their mother, so they take to stealing to help her out occasionally. they shouldn't bug you again." he chuckles. "but if you ever need eyes and ears around london- hire those three. they're amazing at snooping."

langa clears his throat, forcing himself to stop staring at the redhead's pretty face as if he was in a trance. he slides his wallet into his suit pocket yo make sure it's not stolen again.

"thank you," he says, gratefully bowing his head. "i appreciate your help- what was your name?"

"reki kyan," the redhead replies with pride. "i work on the train tracks and take care of the kids around these parts best i can."

"well, mister kyan, you're amazing," langa tells him, surprising himself with his boldness. reki's eyes widen, and his eyes dart away quickly. langa then holds a hand out to him, the other behind his back. "my name is langa erikson. it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

reki chuckles awkwardly, scratching at the back of his head. "pleasure's all mine," he replied, and shakes langa's offered hand. "you can call me reki, by the way."

"then you may call me langa, reki," he responds graciously. reki averts his eyes again as they release each other's hands. "is there some way i can repay you?"

"don't worry about it!" reki says quickly, throwing his hands up. oh, he's wearing a pair of thick, black gloves, langa has just realized. and his biceps are absolutely huge with muscles- probably from working on tracks all day. "just don't get those boys in trouble. they mean well for their mum."

"wouldnt even dream of getting them in trouble," langa replies lightly. then he frowns. he doesn't want to go home and never see this sunny man ever again. he's a delight to look at- ruby red hair and honey amber eyes with a sunshine smile. it would be a shame to never seen him again. "though, i must insist on repaying you." he has a brilliant idea of doing just that, too.

reki shakes his head again, desperatly. "no, really, there's no need-"

"why don't you come and stay at my home, so that i may repay you with dinner?" langa says smoothly, once more surprising himself with his boldness. he's basically asking this man to live with him and have multiple dates with him. hopefully, the redhead doesn't realize that, yet, since gay relationships are frowned upon. but perhaps- later on. "you may stay in one of my rooms, take off from your job, and have warm and fresh meals everyday."

reki's eyes widen significantly, his jaws snapping shut. oh no, maybe langa was laying too much on him at once. "i- uh-"

"please, it would mean the world to me in repaying you this way," langa says, to further convince him. "and it would be a small exchange to you after saving my life."

the redhead scratches at the back of his head again, and langa can't help but stare at the way his bicep moves to complete the action. lord have mercy, reki was good looking. he's always tried to repress his gay feelings and desires, but this ripped train track worker with burning red hair is destroying all of his effort in one foul swoop.

finally, reki lets out a heavy sigh of defeat, lowering both of his arms. "you won't be happy unless i accept?" he asks, and when langa nods eagerly, he lets out another sigh, shutting his eyes. "okay, i will. i'll try not to be too much of an issue while i stay-"

langa cuts him off by catching one of his gloved hands in his, holding it up between them. he offers the redhead a small smile, excitement rolling in his gut. "you could be no trouble at all," langa insists, and reki draws back a little, and is that a tin of red coloring his freckled cheeks. langa sure hopes it is.

and that's how langa takes home a gorgeous redhead, who had in fact, saved his life.

[captainkappa]

Dinluke Anastasia AU

I feel like this could go either way with Din being Anastasia or Luke being Anastasia, but the one with Din being the lost prince is being a little harder for me to figure out, so here’s my Dmitri!Din and Anastasia!Luke thoughts

(also this is like... somewhere between actually being set in 1920s Russia for the movie’s aesthetics and a GFFA so... do with that what you will)

The obvious start is Vader’s empire crumbling around him as people rise up

(we can go full animated movie with undead Palpatine pulling the magical strings if yall want, entirely optional)

The palace is in chaos on that night and in the middle of it all, there’s a young palace guard, barely of age himself, who sees these two scared kids who have no idea who their father truly is, and he can’t take it. He grabs them and shoves them down a secret corridor, telling them to run

The kids, Luke and Leia, both barely ten, do as their told and run until they meet with the Organas, trusted family friends, and escape the palace. Somewhere along the way, Luke is lost, hitting his head, and with the mob, they can’t go back and get him

Transition to 20 years later, give or take

Leia is the “grandmama” figure; she barely remembers her brother but the rumor of her twin surviving is her one lifeline to her family even if she has conflicting feelings over surviving and everything because now she’s in a democratic country

So she entertains men who claim to be her long lost twin. None of them are and her disappointment and 

Luke grows up in an orphanage having no idea who he is, just the vaguest notion of a direction (maybe the Organas yelled at him to meet them in Alderan before he hit his head?). 

He is absolutely a romantic though, loving stories about secret princes and adventures to whisk him away from his boring life

Finally he leaves the orphanage to make his own way in his life

Runs into Din, Cara, and Greef probably because he heard he could hire them to take him to Alderan (With what money? Idk, Luke did the same in New Hope so)

Greef was a minor official in the old empire, Cara is disillusioned with the revolution, and Din held a position in the palace, but he doesn’t bring it up a lot. He really doesn’t care about that kind of stuff

Greef and Cara are way better at the whole “con man” routine. Din runs with them because they sometimes need more dedicated muscle for their schemes (maybe Greef&Cara hire him out for a “bounty” thats actually the job if he’s that much not in with the conning)

But the four run into each other and Greef and Cara pull off convincing Luke for their con to get him where he wants to be

And there is much road trip to where Leia lives now, much teaching Luke of the royal family

Din and Luke do not get along at first 

Din thinks this plan is going to fail, look at Luke, he looks nothing like Leia!

(Plus, he does feel a little bad about the masquerading because he was the one who helped the kids escape and he doesnt know what happened to them once he sent them on their way. He probably holds guilt in not going with them)

And Luke snarks because he’s trying to get to know the people who are trying to help him but the quiet guy will not give him an inch

But they slowly fall in love over the course of the trip even if they wont admit it

(Do i hear Din and Luke dancing together because Din has vague memories of standing off to the side for some dances? I think I do)

Arrive at Leia’s, who’s protocol droid informs them Leia’s heart has been broken one too many times and she won’t entertain anyone else, but they wheedle the droid for information on where they can intercept the senator.

Din and Luke manage to sneak their way in and Leia, deciding to entertain these two men gives Luke the standard questionnaire until asking the one question they didnt prepare for:

“How did we escape the palace?”

And Din panics because how could they have forgotten this question!

But Luke gives the right answer and Din’s jaw drops because that means Luke is the prince

But Leia, jaded and broken and lonely Leia, doesn’t believe him and sends them on their way. And Din is angry and tells her that he knows Luke is the prince, that he remembers being the 17 year old guard picking up two 7 year old twins in his arms and running. Leia takes that as just another reason why it was probably information fed to Luke

Later on, Luke and Leia do find each other, alone, and Luke does give her a piece of information that only the two of them could’ve known. I’m thinking Luke being reminded of days playing dress-up based on Leia’s own wardrobe

A party is had and the reward paid, but Din doesn’t accept his share of it

Luke is excited to be reunited with his sister and is ready to reconnect, but immediately the political party lifestyle is not for him

So they exchange ways of communication and Luke runs out to Din, much preferring the free life of adventure promised with him

And Din and Luke meet on the docks and it’s really cute, your honor