#telling myself i can't cancel & it'll be good for me & i have no choice & ill enjoy it

[sweatermuppet]

asked to be part of my first ever public reading & im sick with nerves abt it

[missspringthyme]

February 27th, 2024

My meeting today got canceled because we were going to do a reading on the Greek girl, but she's sick. It's for the best anyway, I would have definitely been late. Unfortunately, it did mean that I wasted a cute business casual outfit. It's with the blue pants that I really like but have trouble styling for whatever reason. I don't have a lot of tops that go with them, and they're a very specific shade of blue, but I figured out a good look today. Ah well.

I was going to work on my research proposal today, but I'm not feeling enough panic to push me to do it. Instead I spent some more time researching places I can look for jobs when I'm done with my masters and making an application tracker in excel. I also watched the new episode of this show on dropout called VIP, which i love with my entire heart.

While I was doing this, German American was also sat in the living room stressing out because she had her last exam today. At one point, she went to the window and just started flapping her arms, so I made an executive decision. I turned on Sweet Caroline and made her dance with me. My favorite style of dancing is just a lot of jumping, but I feel like it's also a good way to get rid of stress. It did seem to work, but it was also a good reminder that my cardiovascular health is dog shit.

My dad also called me tonight and I brought up the idea of doing a German intensive. He suggested that instead of staying with a random host family, I stay with my actual family. It's a good idea to save money, but I'm a little iffy on the idea for 2 reasons. 1. They always want to practice their English with me 2. It's more embarrassing for me to look my German relatives in the eye and tell them I'm paying money to improve my German. I think I'll probably go back to the US in June, my dad really wants me to come and keeps asking. Honestly, I kinda don't want to, but what can you do. That also made me realize that if I stayed for 2 months then I probably could work a job part time while I finish my thesis and get some money. This then made me realize that my internship from last summer adored me and wanted to have me stay on but couldn't when they learned I wouldn't be staying in the US. They told me if I had time next summer to let them know, so I sent an email. If anyone would be willing to let me be flexible with start/end dates and hours, it'll be the people who I already know adore me. Plus, the internship is remote and super easy. It would be perfect.

So as it currently stands, my plan is June-July US and possibly do an internship to make some money, August come back to Germany, and then august/September do the intensive, September hopefully go to Italy, October graduate. That means that even when my lease ends in August I have places to stay until I graduate, and I continually have things going on. My thesis deadline is the same day my lease ends, so hopefully everything just kinda flows smoothly.

I make money, I finish my thesis, I do the intensive, I lay on a beach in Italy, I get a job and so on. In case you can't tell, I managed to make myself pretty stressed. Time is just moving so quickly and I wish that I had done a 2 year masters. I'm not ready to let any of this go. I'm just really happy here and I'm not getting enough time. I'm scared it would be difficult to find a job in Germany, and I don't want to leave. This is one of the first places that I could actually imagine myself living in for decades. I don't want to go. Most of the best jobs that i can do before my PhD are in the US and i'm so afraid that i'll keep making the easier choices and ill end up stuck. It would make so many people in my life happier if I lived in the US, particularly in Colorado but I can't do it. My parents are in their 60s, my dad is inching closer to 70 everyday and I cant bear the thought of losing him, but he's in Colorado. The only life T has ever known is Colorado, and he loves it there. I'm just not a full person there. I wish I could be happy there, that I could buy a house close to my dad's and have dinners with him and my sort of step mom. I wish that was enough.

There's also something else that's been knocking around in my head. I'm considering pregnancy. Not anytime soon, but my hard stance on never doing it is softening.

The reasons why I have been very adamant about never getting pregnant are as follows (1) I have PCOS and endometriosis, which both mean issues with fertility and increased risk during pregnancy. My mom had 8 miscarriages and I don't know if I can do that. (2) I'm terrified that it will permanently harm my health or, result in my death. Pain is not nice, but it doesn't scare me. It'swhat the pain could mean. Plus, I have a theory that my mom had post partum deppression after i was born. I know she had a big personality shift and suddenly lost interest in a lot of things that used to drive her before. Its been a few years since i met the diagnostic criteria for depression and I dont want to go back. Im so scared. (3) I know it will change my body and as shallow as it is, I don't think I have stable enough self esteem to handle that. I already have to be very careful I don't slip habits that look suspiciously like eating disorders now, it would be incredibly difficult for me post-pregnancy. (4) I hate how vulnerable pregnancy is, there's so many scary things and you have to trust so many people. I'm afraid I can't do that, I already have enough trouble with doctors as is.

Reasons why I am now considering pregnancy (1) I desperately want kids, it's one of those things that I'm just very sure about and have thought about a lot. (2) T wants a biological child and I have some ethical concerns with the adoption industry, although if I could I would love to foster (3) surrogacy is expensive and poses some logistical issues. One of which is I would be unable to pass on my German citizenship. One of the many reasons I want to speed run German fluency is that I would want my kids to not have to deal with what I had to. It also means finding someone we trust, and there's legal and medical red tape. Lots of things. Not impossible, and not off the table, but still. (4) It means I can make more decisions and have more control over the process (5) the more I see these amazing women who did it and the world didn't end, the more comfortable I am with the idea.

That being said, there are some things that I would need to be in place in order to feel even remotely comfortable enough to do it. (1) I would want to be in excellent physical health, and would get a physical trainer to coach me like I was about to do a marathon (2) not in the US, I don't trust maternity there and I would like adequate leave (3) I would want to hire a midwife, and ideally a confinement style post-birth recovery where the only thing you do is rest and feed your baby. (4) therapy, therapy, therapy.

This wouldn't be for years anyway, and maybe I'll keep changing my mind, but I'm finding it difficult to tell T. He knows how I feel and completely understands, but with how vocally against becoming pregnant I have been since people started talking to me about it, I feel like a fraud back tracking. Or like people are going to treat this like I finally stopped being silly. There's already such an enormous societal certainty that pregnancy is what you have to do that I feel like once I voice anything besides a hardline stance, I don't get any say in the matter. When we start having serious conversations about kids I'll think about what to say then.

In the meantime, it was nice getting this off my chest, didn't realize how badly I needed to cry.