#tessa's chart will happen...eventually...

[kithmet]

Astrology: VirtueMoir Edition (Part 1—Scott Moir)

On today’s edition, we thoroughly unpack Scott’s birth chart. The next post will be on Tessa’s chart (if there’s enough interest after this). Beware: long post ahead and lots of astrology talk. I’ll try to be as clear as I can.

Please note: I’ll try my best to explain astrological terms, but as briefly as possible as I only have so much time. For certain stuff I will include links to further reading if you’re interested in learning more about them. 

I’ll also preface this by saying: these are my own opinions based on my own astrological knowledge. I do not present them as fact. 

Scott Moir’s Birth Chart

This might look like nonsense to some of you, but I’m going to spend this post dissecting this very circle chart. It is how each of the planets were aligned when Scott was born, and the signs that were in each of those planets at the time. Please refer to this image, especially when I discuss his chart shape. 

I got this from astro.com, which is the most accurate site for these readings. We don’t know his exact birth time so we will do this reading without the knowledge of his astrological house placements or his Ascendant (otherwise known as the ‘rising’) sign. However, that still leaves us with a lot to talk about.

I’ve organized this into sections in case you want to search for specific things. I know a lot of you want to know about Scott in reference to Tessa, and I do refer to her a lot throughout this reading, but this has an emphasis on who Scott is as a person. 

Scott’s Important Planetary & Asteroid Placements

For this section, I’ll be dissecting how the major planets (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter) impact Scott’s personality. I personally don’t find Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto to be incredibly impactful on a chart as they’re so far from the sun, and change very rarely in sign between years, so I’m going to leave them out.

Sun in Virgo: the Sun sign is the core and identity of a person.

For more on how this manifests through Virgo in Scott, refer to my explanation below on his Virgo stellium. That is Scott. 

Moon in Sagittarius: the Moon sign is the feelings, emotions, and tone of a person.

Scott is passionate and fiery and intense. Refer to my explanation below on his Sagittarius stellium for more information on that.

Mercury in Virgo: a person’s Mercury sign is their communication methods—their reasoning, rationality, the process of exerting and taking in information.

Scott’s Virgo in this placement might indicate that he pays a lot of attention to detail. 

He might be an over-thinker, and as a result is very critical of both himself and others. 

He is probably very useful because he completes all the goals he sets out to do. He needs routine and order.

Venus in Virgo: the Venus sign rules love and relationships, as well as beauty and pleasure.

Serving others brings Scott pleasure, according to this placement. It says that: “The only problem in relationships is that you may believe that people like you for what you do, rather than for what you are. You may underestimate your own worth and not understand why other people like you. Learn to love yourself as well as others.” This is incredibly relevant to Scott, as he might think that people like him because he’s an elite figure skater, and not for who he truly is. The underestimation of his own self-worth is also reflected on his self-deprecating comments, at times. He always strives to compliment Tessa, who is his best friend, but he simply says, “I’m okay,” with regards to himself.

Regarding Scott’s love life, though, @thevirtch​ has already dissected that aspect of his chart very well in this post.

Mars in Virgo: the Mars sign represents the energy, action, level of aggression, and sexual desires.

Virgos are perfectionists. They want to be good at everything they have to put effort into. As a human being, Scott (unless he’s on the ace spectrum, which I’m pretty sure he’s not) will have sex, is having sex, does have sex, et cetera. He’s a perfectionist at it. He wants to be good, and he will literally achieve it because Virgos set their minds to things and almost always achieve their goals. 

He wants to please because, as his Venus in Virgo says, pleasing others gives him pleasure. 

Mars in Virgo is notoriously known as one of the ‘kinkiest’ Mars placements in the zodiac. Proof in the link. He is down for whatever his partner wants.

Virgo Mars likely have sex to exert the stress from their lives, but funnily enough, they treat sex like it’s another job for them to excel at as well.

Jupiter in Aries: the Jupiter sign is about the life’s purpose, meaning, justice, and fortune. 

His only planet in Aries. I wrote a lot about his Jupiter in Aries singleton (otherwise known as the ‘bucket handle’) in the Scott’s Chart Shape section of this post, so please refer to that in addition to this.

Scott likely attracts good luck when he acts as the leader of his communities, demonstrates enthusiasm and positivity, and inspires others. So far in his life this has been true. He’s also said he wants to continue his career by inspiring others and giving back to the skating community—I’m sure that good luck will follow him throughout his life, in this case.

I would also like to touch on some important asteroids. I’d touch on Chiron, which is a person’s biggest wound in life, but because we don’t have houses (due to not having his birth time) and I feel like it would be inaccurate because of that, so I’m leaving it out.

Lilith in Leo: this asteroid is known as someone’s ‘dark side’. 

Definition: “These people are very proud, or even stuck-up. Lilith in this sign may indicate the struggle "I against the rest of the world". These people are self-centred and selfish. They do not acknowledge other people. It is not always easy to live with this attitude because the likes and preferences of our partner should be taken into account as well.”

I feel like this is quite accurate from what we know of Scott’s ‘dark side’. If you watched their reality tv show (which, of course, was a lot of bullshit but there’s some truth to the stuff that happens in it), you can see that Scott was once quite selfish, inconsiderate of how his actions or tempers might affect Tessa, and very prideful.

Juno in Aquarius: the soulmate asteroid.

Please note: Scott’s partner doesn’t need to be in the sign of Aquarius—but the way he romances them and the things he looks for in a partner might embody Aquarian characteristics. 

Friends to lovers is a huge thing for Juno Aquarians. If they aren’t friends first and foremost, the relationship won’t last. Strong friendship foundations in a relationship are essential.

I’m not going to say what we’re all thinking. We’re all thinking it. We all know it. Anyway.

Emotional aloofness might intrigue Scott. He’s attracted to emotional unavailability... why? Who knows. Maybe it’s the mystery, intrigue, and challenge to figuring them out. He’s probably into people with strong air sign placements.

Can I just drop in here that Tessa has a Gemini stellium and a Libra moon, which screams emotional aloofness? Yeah? Okay, moving along...

Traditional relationship structures don’t bother Scott. He’s adaptable and open to weird arrangements, as long as it works for him and his partner.

Can we collectively say: platonic business partners, anyone?

Eros in Libra: this asteroid represents the raw sexual energy in a person.

He is flirtatious and charming. He aims for sexual equality. He might disregard his own needs because he’s focusing on pleasing his partner (because Libra signs always want to be likeable). Communication is sexy. Falling in love, repeatedly, highly appeals to him.

This is probably accurate for Scott, especially when thinking about his Virgo in Venus which is also all about pleasing your partner (and being good at it). The falling in love stuff—probably true. Scott is a serial long-term dater, so he probably chases finding that feeling.

Scott's Virgo Sun & Stellium

Scott is a typical Virgo because he has his Sun sign (which is someone’s truest identity and their core) and three other major planets in Virgo. This means he has a Virgo stellium, which is 3+ planets in the same sign. Therefore, Virgo energy is extremely present throughout Scott’s chart.

Virgos are known as perfectionists. They are analytical thinkers, and very critical—especially of themselves. If Virgos do not reach the standard which they set for themselves, they tend to be self-pitying. They have impossibly high standards for both themselves and the people they surround themselves with. 

Does this relate to Scott?: Scott is said to be a perfectionist with his skating. He is extremely self-critical—when he makes a mistake in a performance, he clearly dwells on it and beats himself up about it. He continuously aims to be the best version of himself, and surrounds himself with the best people. Scott also might tend to be overly critical of the people in his life because of this.

Virgos are incredibly goal-oriented. They have a set list of goals and things on their to-do lists, and they take pride in completing these tasks. Because they’re so goal-oriented and perfectionists, when Virgos set their sights on something, they are very likely to excel in that thing. 

Does this relate to Scott?: Scott is a go-getter. He wakes up early and wants to complete his goals for the day. He’s said many times that he feels a need to set goals and that completing them brings him pride. He’s also very good at the things he choses to focus his talents on. He is not mediocre at anything he wants to be good at.

It’s rarely talked about, but Virgos are also very nurturing. They want to make the people around them feel better in whatever way they can. If you need advice or someone to help you out, go to your Virgo friend.

Does this relate to Scott?: I may not know him personally, but from what I’ve seen of his interactions with Tessa, he is very comforting. He is also seems to be very nurturing with his family and the other people he cares about.

They are sarcastic—and sometimes this is used as a coping mechanism. It might come across in a bad way from time to time, because Virgos can be blunt. They are naturally funny and witty, due to the fact that Mercury rules the mind, so they are intelligent beings.

Does this relate to Scott?: He is hilarious and quite smart, but sometimes can be blunt and it comes across in a negative way. 

I think that it comes out because of his Virgo, but it stems from how strong his Saggitarian energy is as well, but we will get to that later. 

Examples: “I hate this event”-gate, every other time Scott has publicly criticized his competitors and previous coach, etc. 

Virgos are an Earth sign (which is an Element). This means that Virgos are stable, loyal, and rely on routine. That being said, Virgos are the most flexible Earth sign because they are also a Mutable sign (which is a Modality). Mutable signs are extremely adaptable, to new people and new environments, and welcome change within themselves. (This is a link on more information about the Elements and Modalities of the signs.)

Does this relate to Scott?: I’d say so. He’s clearly very loyal to Tessa. He relies on routine. He seems to be a very adaptable individual—in that he gets along with almost anyone. He is ever-adapting and changing, but at the same time, very stable and steady in how that change comes.

Scott’s Sagittarius Moon & Stellium

Now, all that Virgo information is great and all, but we’re forgetting one of the most important parts of Scott’s personality: his intense passionate energy. Where does that energy stem from? Not his Virgo placements, but his Sagittarius stellium. Scott has Sagittarius in his moon sign (which rules his emotions and tone of character—a very important placement), and two other planets, therefore he has 3+ planets in Sagittarius. 

Sagittarius is the hilarious sign—they are the ones that make people laugh. They are weird but in a good, funny way. They are blunt, straightforward, and sometimes can come across as abrasive.

Does this relate to Scott?: Scott is funny, that’s a given. He’s always doing weird stuff to make people laugh. He’s also extremely blunt: if he has an issue, he will state that issue. He also quite literally said on that reality show that he’s bringing two condoms to the Olympics. Like, who is he? Copy and pasting what I said before, but more examples of his abrasiveness: “I hate this event”-gate, every other time Scott has publicly criticized his competitors (and previous coaches), etc. Even after the Olympics, he said there was a “clear technical difference” between him and Tessa and P/C. Other people might hold that in—but not Scott.

People with strong Sagittarius placements are confident and sometimes extroverted. They are very positive—often, if a person is ruled by Saggitarian energy, they are optimistic about everything, and like to look at the silver linings. They are lighthearted. 

Does this relate to Scott?: He is most definitely extroverted and confident. He always picks himself up after he falls and brings a positive energy to everything he does—rarely does he bring negative, dark energy. 

Sagittarius is the sign of adventure and spontaneity. They are impulsive and reckless, and can sometimes be impatient. They want to travel to fun places and they want to try new things. They are independent.

Does this relate to Scott?: Between Scott and Tessa, he is the one that wants to visit atypical travelling countries and do atypical things (he literally said he wants to go to Australia to learn to surf and go to Africa for a safari... again, who is he?), he is the one that wants to try new foods and makes Tessa try them, he is the adventurous one, he is the spontaneous one.

I don’t think Scott’s recklessness or impulsivity need explaining, but it’s kind of clear by the things he says without thinking sometimes.

People ruled by Sagittarius are typically philosophical. Sagittarius is the sign that rules morals and ethics, so they might have a strong moral compass. 

Does this relate to Scott?: With this one, who knows. From the podcasts I’ve listened to where Scott speaks, he is clearly a big thinker and likes to reflect. He’s also very well-spoken. 

Everyone has heard about the cheating rumours regarding him and his girlfriends, and if they’re true, then who knows? Maybe he has a messy Rising sign which impacts that aspect. 

That being said—Scott is loyal, and that relies heavily on his morals. He did not think it would be right to leave Tessa when she was injured, and therefore stood by her because of that. He also didn’t think it would be okay to leave Marina in 2013, despite the rumours that she was on the American’s side. I think it’s because of his moral compass.

Sagittarius is a Fire sign. They are all about passion, enthusiasm, and they have hot tempers. However, this sign is also a Mutable sign, which means he is adaptable and welcome to change.

Does this relate to Scott?: Obviously. Scott’s abrasiveness comes from his temper and bluntness and passion—all which come from his Sagittarius placements. His passion is evident in positive ways in how he interacts with people and how he feels due to his Sagittarius moon. Everyone and their mother calls Scott passionate, and he himself has said he has a bad temper. Sagittarius being a Mutable sign is relevant because Sagittarians are always welcome to trying new things, just like Scott.

What is his Ascendant (or ‘rising’)?

The Ascendant is one of the big three of astrology (which are your sun, moon, and rising signs). Definition of the Ascendant sign, taken from this website: “Together with the Sun and Moon the ascendant is one of the most important single factors... The sign tells us a lot about someone's personality, temperament and constitution. It typifies our immediate, instinctive reaction and shows how we present ourselves to the world.” The rising sign, lucky for us, is one of the easiest signs to guess when looking at a person. Why? Because it is how they instinctively react, and how they seem to other people. 

I’m personally willing to bet my money that Scott has a water rising—that’s why he’s known as ‘the emotional one’—not just between him and Tessa, but also as an individual. Yes, his Sagittarius moon makes him passionate and full of intense emotion, but that emotion manifests in different ways in fire signs than it does in water signs. I believe Scott feels a lot of emotion as a result of his Sagittarius moon and stellium, and then presents that emotion via his Ascendant sign, which (in my opinion) is most likely a water sign.

Which water sign would that be? Not Scorpio. Scott doesn’t project Scorpio energy to me—Scorpios have darker energy, are secretive, and almost always have trust issues because of their natural paranoia. Scott, on the other hand, has a blind faith in people and trusts in the good of humans (example: Marina-gate). This is because of his Sagittarius energy, but I also really think that he isn’t a paranoid person like a lot of Scorpios. Scott does not seem like that to me, and rising signs are all about how people present themselves to others.

Personally, I think he is a Cancer rising. Why Cancer, and not Pisces? Because he is so family-oriented, and proudly shares how nurturing he is to other people. Cancers are the mothers and nurturers of the zodiac. They are also very sensitive, both as humans and to their environments and the people they interact with. Pisces risings are more dreamy.

Some more information about Cancer risings: they’re warm, kindhearted, moody (warm to cold very easily), easily hurt, defensive, and very protective of the people they care about.

If he isn’t a water rising by the grace of lord knows what—I’d vote Aries rising. They’re childlike, fun-loving, passionate, and have a lot of energy and emotion. If not Aries, then Capricorn, because they are such driven workaholics. 

That being said—he already is hardworking because of his Virgo stellium, and he’s already passionate because of his Sagittarius stellium. That is why I really do believe his Ascendant is in a water sign—if not Cancer, then Pisces. He already has enough Earth and Fire energy—where does that all emotion come from? Why does he cry easily? It has to be his rising sign.

Scott’s Chart Shape

Something that is rarely talked about is the shape of a person’s natal chart. Scott’s chart shape is in the ‘bowl and bucket’ formation, which is defined on this site as: “All planets but one are distributed together (‘bowl’ of the bucket) and are opposed by another planet - singleton (‘handle’ of the bucket).”

The bowl of Scott’s bucket is tested by the handle of the bucket. All of Scott’s planets are in the bowl, which is the top right corner of the chart (and please look at the chart to know what I’m talking about). These planets are tested by his Jupiter in Aries bucket handle. 

I find it interesting that Scott’s handle is in the planet of Jupiter, because Jupiter is the planet that is all about luck and fortune. Scott has indeed had insane good luck in his life—meeting Tessa, getting paired with her, both of them growing to be the exact, appropriate heights for one another, the chain of events that led them to dominating three Olympic cycles. That doesn’t happen easily. Sure, they worked very hard, but they also had the good fortune of Jupiter by their sides. 

That being said, he has also had bad luck in his life. Tessa getting injured a year before the Olympics? Having to skate their first Olympics with an injured partner? Having that partner go through two surgeries? 

Read this carefully: “Jupiter [bucket handle] can manifest as a God/Deity Complex. We often find the Messiah Complex with its sense of “I can do anything!”... A young man named Stephan heard a Biblical quote, “With God all things are possible.” He was fourteen at the time and blithely replied, “I don’t know much about God, but that sure is true for me!” That is a Jupiter in Aries [bucket handle], only Fire sign! One of the dangers with a Jupiter singleton is a bad case of hubris; that means the feeling that, “I am equal to or better than the gods!” Jupiter eventually extracts a price for that, for Jupiter is also the ‘wrath of God.’” 

Does this relate to Scott’s life?: Hell yes. Scott himself has said that he was too arrogant growing up, too cocky, thought he could do anything. It was only when wrath was given to him by the power of the universe in bad luck that he was able to tone down his bad case of hubris and become the Scott we know today, who is much more down-to-earth.

Some other significant things about people with this chart shape:

People with this chart shape tend to have a tendency to live their lives to extremes. Jupiter in Aries bucket handles are also incredibly ambitious. This is relevant to Scott because he could have been a figure skater, but he didn’t have to be a five time Olympic gold medal athlete. 

I’ll also briefly point out that this bucket handle is at the 29th degree—which, in astrology, is a critical degree and basically makes this placement even more intense. You can read more about it here.

In summary, though: the 29th degree means that this handle will be tested a lot with decision-making—so Scott’s fortune is repeatedly tested by having to make decisions as a result of either his good or bad luck. This is relevant, especially to the stuff about Tessa being injured. Scott had to make the decision to stick with Tessa during this time. He was tested, apparently, by the universe.

Other Important Notes

Below we have an image of the breakdowns of how heavy Scott’s chart is in each of the planets, signs, elements, and modalities.

Scott is ruled primarily by mutable signs (as he has two stellia in both Virgo and Sagittarius). 45% is a lot. This mutable energy can manifest in both good and bad ways:

He is extremely adaptable and flexible to new environments, new people, and trying new things.

He might be indecisive, unreliable, easily distracted.

Often changing how he perceives the world, other people, and himself as a result of new perspectives.

Unafraid of change and bringing new elements to the table, especially career-wise.

He is practically half Earth energy, which is amazing to me. Stable, loyal, committed to the things he invests energy into. His Earth energy comes all from his Virgo stellium and Capricorn Neptune.

That being said, his second biggest element is in Fire, which accounts for Scott’s passion and intensity.

The reason why Scott is an elite athlete with five Olympic gold medals? His abundance of Virgo energy, high at 24%. He is a perfectionist, driven to accomplishing the things he sets out to do, and often meets his goals.

Conclusion (TL;DR)

Scott is a perfectionist and driven because he wants to excel in achieving his goals. This is because of his Virgo stellium. He is passionate and full of enthusiasm, positivity, and intensity. He is funny and straight-forward. This is because of his Sagittarius stellium. He appears to be emotional, and I believe that is because he might have his Ascendant sign in a water sign, either Cancer or Pisces.

I would continue yapping but this bitch is the length of a fanfic one shot and it’s 7k long. What the actual fuck is this. Goodbye, and hope you’re all enlightened!

Seriously though, if you read all of this, thanks for that. Feel free to ask me any astrology questions if anything needs clarification! Love from your local Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon, Scorpio rising. 💓

[edna-skiffens]

The Best Medicine

Summary: You are in the hospital, but you can never sleep in hospitals. Good thing you have a very attractive night shift nurse who is willing to help out.

Word Count: 4.5K

Warnings: hospitals, light med talk, bad medical writing, fluff

A/N: Please ignore the plot holes or the fact that this isn’t the most realistic and also I know this isn’t how discharge works at the hospital.. It’s called fiction for a reason, darling. Also, I left the reason the reader is in the hospital open ended bc some of us may have medical conditions/reasons that we can attach to this, but if not I tried to keep it vague enough on purpose so that you can imagine whatever. Also if you like Nurse!Tom and have requests for him lmk bc i’m happy to write for him.

Toss and turn. Toss and turn. The routine was getting old. This was your third night in the hospital and sleep just wasn’t coming to you.

Maybe it was the medicine they had you on. Maybe it was the constant symphony of sounds and people passing in the hallway. Maybe it was because you weren’t at home in your own bed.

Maybe it was just because you were in the hospital.

You couldn’t be sure. What you were sure of is that you weren’t falling asleep anytime soon.

Feeling another presence in the room, you looked from the ceiling to the doorway where you saw Tom, one of the night shift nurses, standing cautiously.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” He asked as he eased his way inside.

“Nope.”

“So no sleep again, huh?”

“Nope.”

“Sorry darling. Let’s go ahead and get these vitals over with.” He took your blood pressure, oxygen levels, temperature and wrote it down in your chart. Putting the clipboard back on its hook at the end of the bed, he looked up at your tired face. “Okay. So now about that sleep. What do you think will help?”

“Not being in the hospital.”

He chuckled lightly while walking back towards your bedside.

“I know. You hate it here. You’ve made that very clear and I try not to take too much offense to it.” You let out a slight laugh and held back the fact that he was the best part of this whole experience. He almost made it worth it. “I’m sorry we can’t give you any sleeping medication. Do you think it’ll help if I talk to you?”

“You mean tell me bedtime stories?” You couldn’t help but tease him at the adorable suggestion, though it sent a swarm of butterflies off in your stomach.

“I was thinking more like bore you ‘till you fell asleep. But whatever works.”

“You’re the nurse. If you think it’ll help.” You both sat there smirking at each other for a moment. Something unspoken floating in the air between you two.

“Well, I need to finish my round of vitals first. I’ll come check on you when I’m done and if you’re still up we’ll see about those stories.”

“I’ll be here.”

About fifteen or twenty minutes later you heard a light tap on your door followed by “Still awake?”

“Always.”

“You up for a chat?” Tom asked as he made his way to the stool then rolled slightly closer to your bed.

“Got nothing better to do.” You teased again.

“Okay. Well you should probably lay down.”

“Oh. It’s going to be that kind of story, huh?” His laugh was so beautiful and you were happy you were the cause of it.

“No.” He corrected in between laughs “The goal is to get you to sleep. So sitting up won’t help.”

“Right. Right.”

“Well.. anything in particular you’d like to talk about?”

“Why did you choose to become a nurse?”

“Ahhh. Good question. So I actually went to an art school.” You couldn’t help the brief expression of surprise that crossed your face. “I know. Shocking. I did training specifically in dance and gymnastics and I loved it.”

“Wait, so what happened?” You asked, turning on your side to face him more comfortably.

“Well one day we were rehearsing for a show and I fell. Ruined my knee. Had to do physical therapy for months. I tried to get back into it, but it just wasn’t the same. However, through that process I learned a lot about medicine and the health side of things. It really turned me on to it. And when my Plan A got a bit messed up I thought ‘hey, this could work’. So far it’s treated me pretty well.”

You smiled at Tom, admiring his passion for his career and the determination he had to keep pushing after his accident. You enjoyed hearing him talk about it too. If you didn’t know any better you would say it was helping you relax.

“My story that boring?”

“Obviously.”

“Your sarcasm has no end.”

“Oh… goodness.. you thought that was sarcasm?”

Tom only laughed and shook his head the way he often did with you.

You may just have been his patient and he may have just been your nurse, but you both bonded. He kept you company and gave you comfort. In return, you kept him entertained during the quiet night shifts.

“I’m not going to sleep. I'm just resting my eyes. But still listening.” You told him as you nestled further into the hospital bed, trying to find a position that would make it comfortable.

“Okay, darling.” He grinned at you.

“Tell me more. What kind of-” You had to stop to yawn, “What kind of art stuff did you do?”

“Oh. Well, I was in a few musicals. I really enjoyed dancing. I did ballet ever since I was young and I love the control I have over my body. The tricks I can do with gymnastics or the turns and leaps. I mean I can’t do them to that level anymore, but I try to stay active.” He glanced up and noticed you hadn’t moved, “Are you still with me?”

“Mhm.” You barely respond.

“Okay. Well it was a performing arts school so we really were trained in many areas. We had classes in acting, singing, dancing, all of it. It was a lot of fun and I met my best friends there.”

Tom began telling stories about his time at school. Before he knew it, he lost himself and track of time. He looked back at you, quiet and still.

“Y/N?” You were finally asleep. “Goodnight, darling.” He whispered as he gently made his exit.

Because Tom worked the night shift, you never saw him when you woke in the morning. Instead, Tanya, a sweet nurse that felt like a big sister, or Linda, Nurse Ratched in the flesh, came in for morning vitals and meds.

You counted down the days until your release. Life in the hospital was pretty uneventful with the limit on visitors and limited activity. There’s only so many sitcoms one can take in a given timespan. The only thing that you really looked forward to each night was when Tom clocked in.

“Hi Y/N.”

“Hi Tom.” You would smile at each other.

“How are we feeling today?”

“Better. Ready to get out of here.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you are feeling better and still ready to jailbreak.” He smiled while writing something down on your chart. “They should be bringing up your dinner tray soon and then I’ll bring by your evening meds after that.”

“Okay.”

“If you need me you know what to do.” He called to you before walking out the door.

You were disappointed when Shelley brought your evening meds by later. She was a nice enough nurse. She just wasn’t Tom.

You’d grown accustomed to mainly having him as your nurse during the evening shift. At first you weren’t sure if it was coincidence or on purpose, but after a few nights of staying up and talking, you grew closer to him. You saw less of the other nursing staff and more of Tom.

You tried not to build anything up in your head. You were sure everything he was doing was in his job description and a part of being a good nurse.

He would sneak you extra pudding cups from the cafeteria and bring you an extra heated blanket because you could never stay warm. If you needed a new IV, he held your hand to ease the anxiety. He kept you company and made you feel less alone in such a sterile and intimidating place. And when he noticed you had trouble sleeping he chose to sit with you to help you fall asleep. You couldn’t help the butterflies that built in your stomach.

It became a sort of routine. He checked on you during evening vitals, even if someone else was doing them, and you were always still awake. He would then come and sit with you and chat for a bit, telling you different stories until you eventually fell asleep.

Some nights when you were extra restless he would help you walk the halls.

“The doctors have to see you’re stable enough before you can be discharged. Plus, maybe it’ll tire you out.” He suggested.

He would help get your IV pole ready so you could walk with it. He helped you into your slippers and eased you out of bed after passing you your robe.

Walking the hall slowly, Tom knew he had to remain professional, yet he found a few excuses to graze his hand across your back to ‘steady you’ when you turned corners or he thought you were looking tired.

“It might take me a while to get back to my usual jogs in the park, huh?” You laughed in spite of yourself.

“You’ll get there. Baby steps.” He encouraged, as you turned around the Nurse’s Station. You missed the faces the other night shift nurses were giving you both, but Tom was sure to subtly flick them off. “So, do you like running?” He asked as you headed back towards your room.

Throughout your late nights together, he told you of his three younger brothers and his dog named Tessa. You spoke about what you would do when you were out of hospital. He talked about his friends and flatmates and the adventures they had. He told you many stories, but each morning when you woke up he was clocked out and the day shift nurses were there.

Tonight was your last night. You’re set to be discharged tomorrow and while you are ecstatic to go home, you’re going to miss one thing about this place.

“I bet you’re too excited to sleep tonight. I don’t know if my stories will even help.” Tom said as he sat down next to you.

You smiled up to him sweetly.

“What are you looking forward to the most once you get out of here?”

“Sleeping in my own bed.”

“Well that’s no surprise.” Tom laughed, a contagious sound making you giggle as well. “Isn’t there anything you’ll miss about this place?”

“Yeah.” He smiled “There’s one thing.”

“What’s that?” He asks.

“The pudding cups.”

“Ahh the pudding cups of course.” You giggled while fiddling with the IV line.

“They just don’t taste the same in the outside world.”

His smile grew wider as you giggled.

“No, but really. As much as I give this place grief and say I’m ready to get out of here - which I am,” You gave him a pointed look to which he held his hands up in mock surrender, fully believing you, “it hasn’t been too terribly awful I guess.”

“Oh, well, I’m glad we could make your stay not too terribly awful.. I guess.” He teased. “Do you have anything exciting to look forward to once you’re a free woman?”

“Nothing huge planned, really. The doctors did say to take it easy.”

“That’d be wise.”

“Yeah. I’ll just lay low for a while. My sister said she may try to come visit me though so that would be nice.”

“Oh that would be nice. She’s your older sister right?”

“Right. She moved away last year to be closer to her boyfriend.”

“Ah. Do you like him?”

“Sorry?”

“This boyfriend. Do you like him?”

“He’s alright, I suppose. He makes her happy.” Tom nodded along.

“And do you have a boyfriend that makes you happy?”

“N-No. No I don’t. Not at the moment.” You began fiddling with the IV cord again.

“No boyfriend or not a boyfriend that makes you happy?” He asked.

“Neither.”

“Well that’s a shame.” If the heart monitor was connected you would’ve been screwed. “I just mean someone needs to look after you once you get home. I hope this sister comes through for a visit. You’ve got to take it easy.”

“Oh I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will be.” He smiled.

“How has your shift been tonight? Busy?” You asked, fighting back a yawn.

“A bit busier than usual. There was a slight emergency earlier which is why Shelley handed out meds tonight. Sorry I didn’t come around.”

“It’s alright. I know you have other patients.”

“Yeah, but none like you.” You were sure he said that to all of his patients. After all, you’ve heard similar lines ever since you went to the pediatrician as a child. But it still gave you butterflies.

“Are you getting sleepy?”

“A little. But it’s okay.” He gave you a pointed look but continued to talk anyway. “It’s the last night. One final request for storytime. Make it a good one.”

You thought for a moment before asking your question.

“Do you ever wish that life turned out differently? That you never had your accident and you could’ve followed your dreams to be a dancer?” You asked while turning on your side and getting more comfortable.

“Sometimes. At least, I used to. But I think I’ve accepted it now. And I really can’t see myself doing anything but this.” You nodded taking in his answer “I look at it this way. If it wasn’t for my injury then I never would’ve changed my career path and found my love for medicine. I never would have made so many of the friends I’ve made or the memories I’ve made. I never would have met you.” He finishes with a sweet smile.

“That’s a very positive way of looking at it.” You told him. “Be honest, are you a therapist during the day?” He laughed out loud.

“No. I’m not. I guess I’m a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’.” You nodded while covering a yawn.

“So I’ve been curious to ask you,” He began, “Do you usually have this much trouble sleeping? Because you can get help for that you know?” You smiled at him.

“What? I thought a night nurse talking to you was the cure?” Tom smirked and shook his head. “I’m kidding. No, I normally don’t. It’s just the stiff sheets and hospital sounds I think.”

“Darn hospital.” He rolled his eyes and joked. “So this time tomorrow you’ll be sound asleep in your own bed then?”

You knew it was meant to be a happy statement, but you were a little sad at the thought of not having any more late night chats with Tom.

“Yes. Thank God.” You forced a smile.

You felt another yawn coming and tried to hold it back. It was already past the usual time that you fell asleep.

Tom could tell you were exhausted so he launched into a story from nursing school, hoping to lull you to sleep.

You yawned your way through listening, trying to soak up every last moment with Tom. In the morning he wouldn’t be here. You’d leave and likely never see him again.

When he finished, your eyes were half open and he wondered how you were still awake. Or maybe why.

“Why are you fighting it? The point is to sleep. Give in.” He told you gently after another yawn.

You looked up at him, half asleep and rubbing your eyes, not finding the confidence to tell him the true reason you were trying to stay awake.

“I’m happy right now.”

He smiled down at you.

“I am too. But you need your sleep, darling.” You weren’t sure what to say and you didn’t have much energy left in you anyway. “How about this. I’ve probably been in here too long as it is. Let me go check in at the Nurse’s Station and then I’ll come back and check on you soon and see if you’re still awake okay?”

The thought that he was leaving gave you a sad feeling in your stomach. You tried to remind yourself that he was just your nurse. Nothing more.

“Okay.” You smiled at him, sleepily, while settling further into the bed.

He stood up and instead of walking towards the door he walked closer to you. He grabbed the thin, white hospital blanket and pulled it closer around your shoulders.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” He whispered before he walked to the door.

“Tom?” You called out just before he opened it. He turned around with an expectant look, “Thanks for everything.”

Even though the room was dim you could see his smile.

“You’re welcome, Y/N. Get some sleep.”

You don’t remember much after that. You don’t know if Tom came back to check on you. You just remember falling asleep with a smile on your face.

When you woke up the following morning it felt like any other morning in the hospital.

The hallways were much louder. Beeps, chatter, and phones were constant. The lights were brighter.

But you were quickly reminded that it wasn’t any other morning. You were going home today.

The door creaked open and Tanya, one of your regular daytime nurses, poked her head in.

“Oh good you’re up.” She made her way inside and over to the gloves. “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good. Thanks.” She gave you a smile, something hidden behind it.

“I’m sure.” She said quietly to herself. You gave her a questioning look. “Oh I just mean I’m sure you’re excited to get out of here.”

You nodded as she took your vitals one last time.

“Everything looks good. What do you say about getting this IV out?”

“I say that sounds amazing.”

She took it out and bandaged up your arm while informing you of how the morning would go.

“Dr. McCoy is making rounds now then he’ll be by soon to go over your discharge. You can get dressed whenever you’re ready. If you need help, buzz me. You’ll still have a breakfast tray come, but you don’t have to eat it.” She gave you a wink while taking off her gloves.

“Thanks Tanya.”

“Of course, sweetie. And in case I don’t see you before you go, you’ve been a wonderful patient. Take care of yourself.” You smiled at her as she left you to change into some leggings and a sweatshirt.

You were packing your remaining things into your bag when your doctor walked in.

“Y/N! How are we doing today?”

“We’re doing great because we’re going home.” You smiled while taking a seat to rest for a few minutes.

“I know you’re excited.” He laughed before explaining the conditions of your discharge. You had medicines to take, a follow up appointment, and strict instructions to rest for the next few weeks. After signing some forms he left you with a stack of papers. “Is someone coming to pick you up?”

“Yeah my neighbor should be here within an hour.”

“Sounds good. Don’t hesitate to call us or come back in if you have any trouble or questions.”

“Will do. Thanks.”

A few minutes after he left a nurse brought in your breakfast tray. There wasn’t much of a point for it but since your discharge wasn’t technically until 10:30 am you were still a patient during breakfast.

You took the pudding cup that you requested with every meal off the tray before sliding it away. Smiling to yourself, you tucked it away in your bag. All you had left to do was wait for 10:30.

Tanya came in to check on you again and told you to buzz the Nurse’s Station when you knew your ride was here. At 10:27 you had a text from your neighbor that they were out front in the pickup zone. So you hit the call button.

“Yes?” Linda, the scariest dayshift nurse, answered.

“Um hi. Tanya told me to buzz in when my ride was here so I could go down.”

“Okay we’ll be right in.”

Not even a minute later you heard your door open. Expecting to see Tanya or maybe even Linda you looked up.

An audible gasp left your lips when Tom stood in your doorway with a wheelchair.

“I hear someone needs a ride?” He smiled as he made his way closer to the bed.

“Tom. What are you still doing here?”

“I pulled a double.” You wanted to ask why, but decided against it. You were still in a little bit of shock from seeing him again. “If you’d rather I can go get Linda to walk you down?” He pointed back towards your door.

“No! No.. I’m just surprised s’all.”

“Well come on. I thought you’d be running out of this place once the clock hit 10:30.” Glancing up you saw it was now 10:34. Your neighbor is probably tired of waiting already.

You grabbed your discharge papers and reached for your bag when you heard, “I got it.” Smiling at him, you sat down in the wheelchair. Tom placed the bag around his shoulder and kicked the brakes off the chair. “Ready?” You nodded up at him.

He rolled you out of the room that felt so small for a final time. You passed the Nurse’s Station and waved bye to the staff. He turned by the elevators and when you looked up at him in question, he read your mind. Looked down at you he said, “We’re taking the staff elevators.”

When you made it there he hit the button, turning you around and backing you in once the doors opened. He hit the button for the Lobby and leaned up against the wall of the elevator, briefly glancing at you, as you rode down together.

“Well you made it. You’re a free woman.” He smiled shyly.

“Yippee.” He met your eyes for a moment before looking back to the floor. The dynamics felt different. It wasn’t like your late night talks together.

“Listen, Y/N.” Tom began as he stood up from the wall and faced you. He was about to continue when the elevator ding cut him off, signaling you had reached your destination.

Maybe that was what was different. You had reached your destination.

You had a fun time talking with Tom and entertaining each other when you were both up late at night. He was fun to get to know and you enjoyed having someone care for you. He was easy to banter with and certainly easy on the eyes. But your time at the hospital was up. You knew it would be eventually. You wanted it to be.

Tom was a nurse. He was just doing his job. He was helping take care of you. He was being nice. He was trying to make your stay more comfortable. There was nothing to read into.

Your time being his patient was up and your time with him was up.

You tried to remain realistic, but the sadness still crept up as he rolled you closer to the door.

Once outside, you saw your neighbor exit the car and wave you over. Tom steered in the direction and slowed before rolling to a stop and hitting the brake locks on the wheels.

“Hi, I’m Taylor.”

“Tom.” They shook hands as Tom passed off your bag for Taylor to put in the backseat.

“I’m sorry for the circumstances, but it really has been a pleasure having you as a patient and getting to know you, Y/N.” Tom admitted as he walked around to face you. He grabbed the papers from your lap. “Take care of yourself, okay?” You had shared many smiles with Tom, but this one felt sadder.

“I will. Thank you for everything, Tom. I mean it.” You reached up and squeezed his hand. He gave you a light squeeze back while smiling down at you. Taylor returned from the backseat of the car and Tom turned to them.

“These are her important papers about follow up appointments, medications, what to do at home, all of that so please make sure she doesn’t lose any of them.” He emphasized the point.

“Got it. Thanks.” Taylor held onto the stack while Tom turned back to you.

“If I can’t handle a few papers on my own, then maybe I shouldn’t be going home yet, Tom.” You laughed.

“I know, I just wanted to make sure they made it home with you.” He walked closer. “You ready to get in?”

“Yeah.” You nodded. He helped you up, supporting you just as a precaution. Once seated, you took a moment to catch your breath as you pulled the seatbelt down. He met your hand, taking it from you to buckle you in.

“You good?”

You nodded with a smile, “Just a little tired. No biggie.”

He looked you over before returning your smile, though his didn’t quite reach his eyes, “If you need us, call us. Otherwise go home and rest.”

This was it. This was goodbye.

“Thanks, Tom.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

He shut the door. He walked back to the wheelchair, released the brake locks and headed inside. He looked back only when your car was driving away.

“Here’s those papers that are so important.” Taylor handed you the stack after they got in.

“Thanks.”

“So how are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks.” You felt them looking at you as they joined traffic.

“You sure? You sound like you feel awful.”

You try to remind yourself to forget the sweet and attractive nurse and start moving forward.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m okay.” You decide to distract yourself by reading through your discharge paperwork, when something caught your eye. On top was a sticky note with the hospital’s letterhead. You were sure it wasn’t there before. Looking closer it read,

Y/N,

In case you need someone to talk to when you can’t sleep.

555-5555

P. S. I have a connection to some pretty good pudding cups too.

Tom

The smile that grew on your face was undeniable. All the feelings you suppressed came flooding in. He wasn’t just being nice. He actually liked you.

One thing you knew for sure was that even though you would be in your own bed tonight, you still would be up, talking to a very special nurse.

Lmk if you want to be on my tag list

[lunalilith19]

Tessa Virtue: Lunar Eclipse in Gemini 11/30/20 

The Lunar Eclipse on Nov. 30 is happening at 8° Gemini, conjunct Tessa’s Venus and Mercury. Eclipses bring heightened awareness around the part of your chart they happen in and related to any planets affected. The impact can last as long as 6 months. Lunar eclipses always happen on a full moon, so they may shed light on things which are unconscious or unseen. 

Venus is about how we want to be valued and loved, it’s also about money, beauty, social life, our style of connection. Mercury is how we think and communicate.

In her birth chart, Venus conjuncts her Mercury, both in Gemini: craves witty and interesting conversation, needs variety and stimulation from people who intrigue her, and lightheartedness- Gemini is a quicksilver sign that can’t tolerate too much heaviness. Communication and diplomacy are strong points. You want peace in your life (though relationships can get out of balance if you are passive or let things go just to avoid conflict). Venus is money, Mercury is trade, so business and negotiating can be indicated. Tessa’s Sun and Moon are both in signs ruled by Venus, so it’s a strong energy in her chart. You’re generous and genuinely interested in people. The ability to see all different sides of a situation can mean changing your mind or being indecisive, and coupled with a tendency to want to avoid unpleasantness can cause lack of clarity in relationships. 

The Moon for this eclipse is conjunct Tessa’s Venus and Mercury and the transiting Sun is opposite. Venus impacts our confidence, and with the Sun opposing, you may have to navigate self-doubt. Consciousness about relationships in general is heightened during this time, and you learn about yourself through your relationships. Ones which are going well continue to go well. Ones with tension or simmering issues will have that come to the surface to be dealt with. Relating to others brings up suppressed or unexplored parts of yourself for examination or discovery.

With Mercury this could also be about new collaborations in business. Mercury is about communication and with Venus, is linked to image, including media and social media. A conjunction is considered a hard aspect, but it has more elements of agreement between the planets involved, so this energy can go either way- positive effects for negotiations or communication, or challenges that eventually lead to stronger tools in this area or better mental health. Transits to her Mercury and Venus in the next 6 months might be more activated. 

[brownducks]

‘A Scanner Darkly’ - Philip K Dick

First published at The Quietus, who let me write whatever I like about long-dead novelists, bless ‘em

“Everything in A SCANNER DARKLY I actually saw. I mean, I saw even worse things than I put in A SCANNER DARKLY. I saw people who were reduced to a point where they couldn't complete a sentence…and this was permanent, this was for the rest of their lives. Young people. These were people maybe 18 and 19, and you know, it was like a vision of hell. And I vowed to write a novel about it sometime.” – Philip K. Dick

A Scanner Darkly was Philip K Dick’s fortieth novel, and it’s one of his best-known works. It’s paranoid, disturbing and dystopian, but it wasn’t a vision of the future – it was a memoir.

Its main character, undercover narcotics agent, Bob Arctor, lives in a California that feels straight out of the early ‘70s, although we’re told the novel is set in 1994. When Arctor tries to infiltrate the supply chain of a drug called Substance D, he becomes addicted to it – his own supplier, Donna, is the woman he loves. His friends and housemates are all addicts, too. The plot ramps up when his police colleagues, from whom his identity is protected, ask him to run surveillance on himself, which is no-one’s idea of a good time: whenever he’s not on Substance D, he’s watching videos of himself on it.

Substance D is basically speed. For a long time, this was Dick’s drug of choice (I’ve written before about how you can conjure up an image of him at his desk, furiously typing, blinds drawn to block out the South California sun. He said he could turn out 68 pages of prose a day when he was on speed). Substance D is especially nasty, though. It destroys the connection between the two hemispheres of the brain, so that they first function independently and then compete, destroying any coherent idea of the self. In the case of Bob Arctor, it means that the addict self and the narc self eventually become unrecognisable to one another.

Dick denied that he based Arctor on himself, but their situations are strikingly similar: after his fourth wife Nancy left him, in 1970 – taking their daughter Isa with her – he said, “I got mixed up with a lot of street people, just to have somebody to fill the house. She left me with a four bedroom, two-bathroom house and nobody living in it but me. So I just filled it with street people and I got mixed up with a lot of people who were into drugs.” Arctor, too, had a family, but found himself alone and involved in drugs. “And then I just took amphetamines,” Dick says. “I have never ever taken hard drugs. But I was in a position to see what hard drugs did to people, what drugs did to my friends…” In A Scanner Darkly there's a strong sense of “how did I get here?” – that this isn’t where Arctor is meant to be. It’s likely Dick thought this about himself after the end of his marriage, too. When he was writing it, his then-wife Tessa would find him at his desk in tears.

By the time he wrote A Scanner Darkly, Dick was clean. He also had a horrific rehab experience in Canada which gave him the idea for ‘New Path’, the rehab organisation in the novel. Before, he would knock out up to four novels a year, but he worked on draft after draft of Darkly for four years. It was different; it required him to wrestle with a devastating period in his life and create something that would help him come to terms with it. Perhaps because it was less of a flight of imagination than other novels he’d written, this fidelity to reality forced him to slow down, get it right. Its depth and density reflect this. Also, its timeless truths about drug addiction and perfect evocation of the grotty southern California of the late ‘60s/early ‘70s make it a canonical drugs novel.

Post-war, two ways of writing about drugs emerged: in the early ‘50s, on the one hand there was William Burroughs, unnerving and brazen about heroin addiction in Junkie. On the other, there was Aldous Huxley in The Doors of Perception, recommending a nice afternoon listening to Mozart, staring at some flowers and dropping a soupçon of mescalin. In the early ‘60s the Huxleyian narrative of blissful transcendence dominated – his 1962 novel Island is the ultimate pro-psychedelics story. Alan Watts’ Joyous Cosmology came out the same year; Leary, Alpert and Metzner published The Psychedelic Experience soon after. But by the end of the decade, these beatific ideals had collapsed. There was acid burnout – a move towards heroin, speed and cocaine. In the background, there was Nixon’s war on drugs and the Vietnam War. When Dick wrote A Scanner Darkly, he wasn’t alone in charting the cultural wreckage of the late ‘60s – in Joan Didion’s era-defining The White Album, she writes that when she was admitted to a psychiatric clinic in Santa Monica, her symptoms did not seem to her “an inappropriate response to the summer of 1968”.

Even so, the characters in A Scanner Darkly are recognisable today. Dick’s addicts are paranoid, wired and desperate. When they’re high they sit around shooting the shit, which is often very funny. Dick believed it to be both his saddest and most humorous work; a great deal of the novel is just them talking drug-addled rubbish at one another (Dick was also proud of the novel’s “very funny suicide scene”). Some of them have a grimly recognisable entrepreneurial spirit, too. Arctor’s smart-ass housemate Barris says at one point, “I’ve got a temporary lab set up at the house…watch me extract a gram of cocaine from common legal materials purchased openly at the 7-11 food store for under a dollar total cost.” Homespun drug production? Distinct shades of Breaking Bad there.

But it’s not just a novel about drug addiction. Dick was always spilling over with beliefs, questions and epiphanies. A Scanner Darkly races back and forth between depicting the nervy, brutal shape of drug abuse and Bob Arctor slowly losing his grip on his identity, trying to understand why it insists on being elusive and unstable. This instability is, of course, directly linked to the way in which Substance D causes – as Dick says, wonderfully – “organic brain damage producing split-brain dysfunction and a tragic parody of bilateral hemispheric parity”. But it also connects to a far greater set of ideas Dick was exploring, primarily metaphysical, and especially so as he wrote this.

Dick was an enormously wide-ranging reader and thinker – apparently he pored over his giant set of encyclopaedias (he would have loved the internet). But his reading suggests a certain wayward solipsism, which might be necessary, I guess, if – as he was – you’re busy creating your own cosmology. He read especially widely in mysticism, theology and spirituality, and as he tumbled further into this realm, there’s a sense that whilst the outside world deeply informed his work, what really lit him up was the construction of his own metaphysics. As much as he was anchored in the now (and in A Scanner Darkly this is especially true), he was also working out his own fantastically idiosyncratic responses to the kinds of abstractions that have been asked forever, most especially who am I? And is this reality the only reality?

Dick’s novels always pulsate between possible selves and possible realities. He was open-minded and in earnest. But in the case of A Scanner Darkly, in which the other self and the other reality are created by Substance D, all further possibilities are foreclosed. The only self is the disintegrated drug addict, the only reality their collapsed horizon. Everything implodes inside this paranoid subjectivity. It’s fascinating – in this novel alone, Dick shuts down a question he would normally push to the weirdest possible limits; it says an awful lot about the extent to which it stands out from the rest of his work.

In the early months of 1974, whilst writing the novel, Dick had a set of visions which formed the basis for his VALIS trilogy, and are also intricately detailed in his collected journals, ‘The Exegesis of Philip K Dick’. (Robert Crumb also turned them into a comic.) Based on the date, he called them the ‘2-3-74’ visions. These events convinced him – amongst much else – that there was another being within him: a first-century Christian called Thomas. Dick also came to believe, in all seriousness, that Anaheim, where he lived, was very clearly also first-century Rome or Palestine; that they were one and the same, and the two thousand years between them did not exist.

He was pretty confident about being Thomas and about his new interpretation of spacetime. As the PKD scholar Erik Davis remarks, “Dick dived into the deep end of the pool of weird”. He had ruptured reality and there was no looking back. As it stood, aspects of 2-3-74 had also been foreshadowed in his earlier writing, which made it all the more convincing. Through these visions, which refuted the idea of a single reality and a single identity, he barrelled towards a feeling of transcendence; towards something mystical and sacred that could eclipse everything that came before. You can see this play out in his novels – characters enter a process – a difficult struggle (just like Dick’s himself, which went on until he died of a stroke in ‘82) – to break free from the spell, or the entrapment, of their reality and reach something like salvation. It’s almost a Dick dialectic: reality plus rupture equals redemption.

A Scanner Darkly doesn’t do this, though. There’s no redemption, no light in the dark. This means that even as Dick was elaborating an entire metaphysics in his diaries, in Darkly, he was, very simply, writing his grief. “It is a very sad novel and very sad things happen to very good people,” he says. This makes it all the more a historical record, or even more accurately, a novel about drug addiction.

Since A Scanner Darkly then has no investment in predicting 1994, there’s no point asking what it got right about the future. Its few elements of science fiction, such as the ‘scramble suit’ that allows Bob to hide his identity in order to spy on himself (brilliantly depicted in Richard Linklater’s 2006 film adaptation, by the way); and the holographic projections of his house that he also uses to monitor himself, are background notes. Dick’s editor, Judy Del Ray, had to push him to make the novel more convincingly science fictional. “Judy, you know damn well the book is about the ‘60s,” he told her. Even so, he almost can’t help but write prescient novels. Even his novels were uncanny precogs – how meta.

In A Scanner Darkly, legal and governmental forces pretend to rehabilitate addicts, but inevitably, in this pessimistic universe, they enable them. The circulation of Substance D represents the epitome of a corrupt system, and making this point in the ‘70s might have made Dick seem a bit fringe, a bit of a conspiracy nut, but today he’s an anti-authority touchstone – a harbinger for exposing how corruption is at the very centre of things. There’s also, of course, the fact that surveillance is omnipresent in the novel, and that Bob Arctor watches and reports on himself. Dick’s surveillance dreams are the reality of social control today. You could also, if you want, say that Arctor’s split into two is an analogue of the real-life self and the self on the internet; the former watches the latter, and the latter is, of course, enmeshed in a web of monitoring. You could even go further and say that Substance D, causing self-surveillance and self-estrangement, is a symbol of identity dissociation in the same way the internet is.

But this is all conjecture. Really, Dick just wanted to talk about the friends he lost to drug abuse, and the pain it caused. In the Author’s Note at the end of the novel, Dick says, “This has been a novel about some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did.” There’s a list of his friends who have either died or been damaged by drug addiction and he says, “I loved them all”. (He puts himself in that list too – to Phil: permanent pancreatic damage.)

Usually, when we think of Philip K Dick we think of his astonishing foresight. He played with simulacra, fractured realities and multiple selves in ways no-one else did and that uncannily anticipated the postmodern condition. The transformation of a novel like Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep into the stunning noir of Blade Runner has also made him synonymous with the hypnotic aesthetic of future-dreaming late capitalism, which is, in fact, far removed from his grubby, shambolic novelistic worlds. His prescience and the aesthetic vision we’ve superimposed on him are the reasons why he’s so popular; he dreamed up the myths of the future and we have filled them out, made them real.

Yet I stick to what I’ve always believed about him – that pretty much the driving force of his writing was to make us empathise with others and with their suffering. A Scanner Darkly was, as he says, “from the deepest part of my life and heart” – it is bound up with his own experience of loss, grief and addiction. Yes, Dick was a brilliant thinker, but it’s about time we gave more space to the other aspect of his brilliance – that he was also fully in touch with his own humanity, and able to turn it into such dark, funny and visionary novels.

Thanks to Kiran for her help and to Mark Fisher (RIP) for his essay on A Scanner Darkly

[lunalilith19]

Scott: Thor’s Hammer

In astrology, Thor’s Hammer is the name of a specific triangle pattern made up of 2 sesquiquadrates and a square. Because it’s a closed circuit, all the connections are activated at once and all the time. Since these are hard aspects, having a Thor’s Hammer in your chart gives you a ton of inner tension. You’re boiling with it all the time, and these aspects can’t be ignored if you have one. Scott has a Thor’s Hammer in his chart, with Venus square Saturn and sesquiquadrates from both of those planets to his Jupiter.

Thor’s Hammers are nicknamed the Fist of God because they potentially give the person tremendous power- it’s a burden to have one, but they give you energy and gifts, with a price to pay. People who have them feel like they have something to prove. Someone with a Thor’s Hammer needs challenges in their life, or all the energy has no place to go and would eventually escalate into seething frustration.

Having a sesquiquadrate between two planets makes you go at the issues related to them over and over and over again until you have a breakthrough, and then the cycle repeats. A Hammer has 2 of these, and they’re always active, so it would give him unbelievable drive and stamina. It would be like banging your head against a wall over and over trying to make something happen, until he reaches a crisis which forces an adjustment, or a breakthrough which brings relief and satisfaction, then the cycle starts again. The square between Venus and Saturn makes it more difficult to achieve love and happiness and can mean self-esteem issues. Having this aspect as part of the Thor’s Hammer means that it’s active and calling attention to these issues all the time. Squares give you opportunities to work on your weaknesses, but this would be a difficult one to feel constantly. Jupiter and Saturn can be about how he goes about work, his beliefs and also again about difficulties with self-esteem. Venus and Jupiter relates to how he goes about seeking pleasure and relationships. 

In the last post, I talked about how Tessa’s sesquiquadrate made her relentlessly determined in her work. Scott’s Thor’s Hammer gives him this quality but exponentially, because the pattern magnifies the energy, and it never shuts off. So he and Tessa, with her intense yod added to her sesquiquadrate, are perfectly matched as skating partners, in that it would be difficult to find anyone else with this level of drive. They are not like regular people. Where most people would exhaust themselves and stop, these two kept pushing and kept trying with the same intense focus, past being exhausted, despite obstacles, day after day for years.

Photo: Paul Chiasson