#thanks for putting up with my sappy ass in 2019 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ignooy-nim · 2 years

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‘Scrawny’ - Yang Jeongin Story

> chapter four - sweet talk

tw / cw : slight cursing, awkward encounter ... SLOW-BURN

story summary : jeongin never thought he'd ever find what he was looking for, but all along it was at the convenience store. / mia hated the re-runs of sappy kdramas that would play on the tv at the convenience store; that is, until her life became a sappy kdrama.

a/n : hey guys! - sorry its been so long since I last posted... I've been struggling a lot with finding inspiration, but with all the support I’ve been receiving on my hiatus, I finally decided to bite the bullet and start writing again even if I'm not 100% satisfied with the outcome. I hate to admit it, but I'm very much so a perfectionist and a "control freak", so writing fics such as this one usually takes me a while to do. regardless, I want to thank you all for your immense amount of support, and for sticking with me for this journey! hope you enjoy! ♡

ps, this story takes takes place around mid - late 2019, and will continue into 2020 - 2022

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> “When you laugh, I forget that it's about me, but it's alright, 'cause being your punchline still is something.” - ‘sweet talk’, saint motel

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Running around her dorm room like a chicken without its head, Mia hurriedly searches for her missing platform boot, already five minutes late to her shift.

“Nisa, are you sure it isn’t under your bed?” She asked her roommate for the ump-teenth time that night.

With a roll of her eyes, Nisa spun on her heels to face Mia, “Yes, I’m sure - I know I’m messy, but please cut me some slack!” She began to check inbetween her dresser and the heater that sat flat against the wall. “Why don’t you just wear a different pair of shoes?”

“Because,” The smaller of the two girls mumbled shamefully, “fashion…” Ending her statement with a shrug of her shoulders, Mia locked eyes with her roommate who gave her a death glare.

Giving up on her help to the search for the missing boot, Nisa deadpans, “Dude… I’m sure your uncle won’t fire you for violating fashion law!”

Mia sighs and lets out a groan before kicking off her singular boot, “Fine!” Instead, she pulls on her black converse yet again.

“I don’t know why you are trying to make such a big effort, you’re just going to work!” Nisa sighed, plopping down onto her mattress.

Mia stomped her shoe onto her foot, “I’m not trying to make an effort - just trying to look presentable…”

Nisa rolled her eyes, “‘Presentable’ my ass, Mia! You’re just hoping that your weird little boyfriend stops by again.” She grinned at her roommate who was putting her second shoe on.

With a huff Mia straightens her posture and responds, “You mean Mr. Kim don’t you? Too bad he already dropped off this week’s shipment.” The young girl feigned a sad expression while discussing the old, cranky delivery driver that provides fresh fish to the convenience store weekly.

“Oh damn! That’s a hunk of a man if I’ve ever seen one, with his.. toothlessness and his alluring odor of fish… such a delite”

The two girls broke into a fit of laughter as Mia’s phone began to ring. The screen showed the familiar face of one of her cousins, Jinyoung. She quickly composed herself to answer the call.

“Hello?” She spoke, already knowing why he was calling her out of the blue. In a haste motion she gathered her backpack, jacket, nametag and dorm key.

“Miyeon, where the hell are you? Your shift started 10 minutes ago!” The older man spoke frantically.

Mia gave a quick wave to her roommate who was still lounging on her bed, before escaping the room and speed walking to work. “I’m on my way, Jinyoung, I had a bit of uhm… an emergency.”

He scoffed before responding, “Seriously? I don’t know how my father lets you keep this job, you’re never here!”

“Never there?” Mia began to feel heated at her cousin’s words as she descended the steps of her dorm building, “I’m always there Jin! Who do you think works the night shifts when you’re in dreamland? Oh yeah — me.”

“Whatever, I’m keeping the tips I made during these 10 minutes, and you’re paying me back out of your paycheck.” Jinyoung was going to end the call, but spat back one last remark, “You know, Miyeon, some of us adults actually have lives to live outside of the store. You can’t be this selfish child much longer. Get here, now.”

Mia felt her face grow red with anger as her cousin hung up on her. The cool, fall air brushed her cheeks, soothing her raging mind. ‘Who the hell does he think he is? Just because he’s older doesn’t mean that my time is any less important’, she thought to herself.

Granted, she knows that she does have a tendency to ignore reality, but who’s to say that this is the wrong way to live?

‘Jinyoung has no idea what my life is like; he’s old, and graduated and has a fancy job at a tech firm. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a life to live outside of the convenience store too… I just don’t live his life’ Mia continued to rant to herself, attempting to calm herself down for her shift, pinning her name tag into her shirt and tying her hair back, already dreading this day of work.

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Jeongin knew he was a man on a mission the second his band member, Lee Know, had asked for him to go to the store and to pick up some more milk. Jeongin knew that he didn’t have to go to the small convenience store down the street and that he could easily avoid it all together by taking the longer venture to the supermarket instead. Jeongin knew that the likelihood of Mia being there was slim to none, seeing as he hadn’t run into her during his many ventures down the street since the night he made a complete and utter fool of himself by dumping dozens of candy packets onto the floor in front of her. Jeongin knew that his excitement was juvenile and that his hopes were too high for the average person, but yet, here he is, taking the short trek to the store that he grew to know over the span of a month.

Something inside of Jeongin made him feel somewhat obsessive, like he couldn’t just go to another store without feeling unfulfilled afterwards. It made him feel dumb and embarassed whenever his band members asked if he wanted to go to the convenience store with them and he stuttered out a ‘no’. The same way their babying made him feel, like he was incapable of handling things like a normal person does — debilitating him completely.

He hated the way the store made him feel, but mostly he hated how this girl — this stranger — was stuck on his mind every hour of his day. It felt like wasted time; time he will never get back from her as she probably couldn’t care less about Jeongin or his sleepless nights. She was just there to make a sale, and that was evident.

Becoming an idol alone is hard enough; harsh diets and endless schedules making up his adolescence. Of course the reward was good, and the hard work benefited his career, but two years of being told “you aren’t good enough” can do wonders to a person’s psyche, and to this date, Jeongin can still feel the effects of all his hard work.

Since day one, Jeongin found that the rules of idolship were simple:

Rule #1: Always stay smiling — your image is everything, you don’t want people to think you are unapproachable, do you?

Rule #2: Practice makes perfect — if you have time to relax, you have time to practice, and not a second should be wasted.

Rule #3: No distractions — this includes drugs, alcohol, and dating. Any of these three things could get you into a world of hurt, and clog your perception of what really matters; your work.

Jeongin felt as if he maintained his part of the Stray Kids title decently; he smiled when on camera and when in public, he had never experimented with substances even though most of his bandmates were of drinking age and had alcohol in the dorm. He even worked until his bones were sore and his lungs heaving for air. Was he really ready to risk his image on some girl? Some girl who probably didn’t even want anything to do with him?

Jeongin was a man on a mission to put his life back on track and to take a hold of this situation as he had no room for error in his idol life. Simply, his goal was to dismantle his irrational fear of embarrassment for once and for all.

The bell above the door of the convenience store rang out, announcing his entrance to everyone in the small establishment. Jeongin tried keeping his head held high, training his eyes out towards the expanse of aisle before him, but that focus faltered when his foot caught on a small hump in the rain mat on the floor, taking him down face-first onto the shiny tiles.

Gasps and exclamations were shared as the elderly man with graying hair who worked at the shop rushed towards the younger boy.

“Son, what happened? Are you okay?” He asked worriedly, helping Jeongin to his feet.

The younger boy’s hand rushed to the mask covering his face which had a small patch of blood growing on it.

“I’m okay! It was my fault”. He spoke nervously, realizing that the store was packed at this hour and that all eyes were on him.

All eyes on him. That’s something Jeongin was sure he’d be used to by now. The roar of the crowd, packed stadiums full of faces he could barely make out; faces he barely knew. Granted, as a kid, he was sociable, never backing down from making friends or speaking in class, but as they say, the oldest child does it first and best, the youngest can do no wrong, and the middle child is forgotten. So, why is it now, that all of these eyes stare Jeongin down as if he’s a forgotten kid that’s been sitting in the lost-and-found box since he was born? Why is it they see him now, when all goes wrong? Why does it always seem to go wrong?

The older man’s face showed fear, as he ushered Jeongin into the bathroom to help clean him up a little. “No no no, here let me help you, son. Gosh, I’m so sorry about this.”

Hesitantly, Jeongin removed his face mask once he was in the safety of the bathroom. Once he caught his reflection in the mirror he almost passed out from seeing the amount of blood that was flowing from his aching nose.

The man grabbed a clump of paper towels and ran them under the cold water to clean the blood up before he opened the small first aid kit that was under the counter.

“I keep on telling Ara that we need a new mat for the floor, but does she ever listen? - “ The man spoke rhetorically, rummaging around the kit for peroxide to clean around the area.

Silence fell in the bathroom as Jeongin let the man fix him up, in his mind however, he was cursing himself in every way imaginable. ‘How could I be so stupid?’ he continuously repeated to himself, allowing for the pain in his nose to count as a type of punishment for believing that he could ever confidently face his fears.

The man before him hummed before placing the bloody tissues into the trash, “Well, I’m no doctor, but I used to be a nurse during my time in the military, I saw many a broken nose, so I think I can safely say that you are one of the lucky ones.” He sighed before continuing, “While I don’t see a break, I’m still going to have to call you an ambulance.”

“No!” Jeongin spoke a little too hastily, “I mean, thank you, sir, but I should be fine..”

“Are you sure? You took quite the spill!” The man asked with his eyebrows raised, packing up the first aid kit just as it once was.

“Yes, I’m sure I’m ok..” He responded kindly.

The gray haired man nodded, respecting the request of his customer, “Well okay, but you must stay for a while to make sure you’re fine to continue on with your day… Here, follow me.”

The two emerged from the bathroom to a much less packed storefront. A younger boy with an eyebrow piercing and a pink streak in his hair now manned the cash register. Jeongin, being fearful of someone recognizing him, attempted to shrink into himself as the man led him to a stool close to the front counter.

“Sit here, I’ll grab you some ice.” The man, who’s name tag read ‘Peter’, instructed his customer in a comforting manner.

Jeongin relaxed onto the stool, avoiding eye contact with the boy with the pink hair, however he had other plans.

“You good?” he asked, leaning on the counter to get a better look at him, turning all his attention on the bloody man before him as the store was now empty aside from a few patrons in the back eating their lunches.

“Just great..” Jeongin spoke, now sounding bitter at his circumstance.

A pig-like snort caught his attention. The pink haired boy replied snarkily, “You look it.”

Before Jeongin could comprehend what the other boy had said, a door had slammed from the backroom followed by screaming.

The cashier before him barely flinched at this outbreak as he rolled his eyes and spoke under his breath, “Here we go again…”

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A lot could be done in 15 minutes — you could walk a mile, or make several bowls of cereal, but according to Mia’s cousin, 15 minutes can be life or death.

“Look who finally decided to show!” Jinyoung patronized Mia as she entered through the backdoor of the convenient store. “How was your leisurely walk here? Smell any sweet roses on the way? Or did you purposely take small steps just to bust my chops?”

“Listen, Jinyoung, I —” Mia started just to be interrupted.

“That’s all it is with you, isn’t it, Miyeon?” He rolled his eyes, slinging a dish towel over his shoulder. “You’re still so young, you think the world revolves around you, and only you. Well, guess what, cousin; it doesn’t. Time doesn’t stop just because you need extra sleep, and people don’t stop living their lives just because you broke a nail… Even Jiwon sees it, and he’s sixteen!”

A pink-haired Jiwon poked his head into the backroom momentarily, “Don’t bring me into this.”

Jinyoung continued, “Everyone gives you a ‘pass’ since your mom left —”

Dal, the dishwasher, interjected, “Jinyoung!”

“No, I don’t care, it’s no excuse for you to get off easy and to just act like a spoiled little brat all the damn time! The rest of us here are adults — this is either our full time job or the warm-up to our full time jobs, we aren’t all spoiled, good-for-nothing part timers such as yourself-”

“Good-for-nothing?!” Mia shouted back, “Who was the one who came up with the new frozen section delivery plan? Me. Who cleans the coffee machines when the rest of you assholes don’t want to get dirt under your nails? Me. And who covers every single shift that would belong to our other employees, if someone hadn’t pushed them so hard they quit? Oh, yeah, that’s still me.. I know you have your big boy, water jug glugging, pinstripe tie wearing job 25-hours a day, but I have school, Jinyoung! I have my future to worry about -”

Her older cousin let out a snort, “‘School’, if that’s what you wanna call it, Miyeon. Your father is paying practically his entire life savings on a glorified preschool… A ‘future’ painting stick figures, huh-” he chuckled to himself, “I think it’s time you get your head out of the clouds and wake the hell up, Miyeon.”

With the final word, Jinyoung hastily left the store through the door Mia had entered through, leaving her with a bitter taste on her tongue and hatred in her heart.

This is not the first time Mia and her cousin had ruffled eachother’s feathers, and it certainly won’t be the last. Since she could remember, her and all of her cousins were always measured against Jinyoung’s accomplishments, with him being the oldest and all. ‘Oh, Jinyoung, you’re so great! You learned how to tie your shoes faster than all the other little boys and girls in your preschool — here’s a gold star!’, ‘Oh, Jinyoung, you’re so amazing, you graduated top of your class with all ‘A’s — here, take my sports car!’, ‘Oh, Jinyoung, you’re so special, you know just how to kiss my ass as your boss — here, take my first born child, my wife, my house, and my big fancy yacht! You deserve it!’.

‘Oh, just fucking bite me’, Mia thought to herself, tying her apron on before clocking in for the day, as Dal looked on with a pitiful gaze as he too got back to work.

Mia swiftly exited the backroom and jumped on the cash register, filling Jiwon’s previous place behind the counter.

“Hi, how may I help you?” She asked in her ‘as-sweet-as-pie’ customer service voice to an elderly woman.

The woman looked startled, as the younger girl popped out of seemingly nowhere, yet, she answered kindly, “I just would like one coffee.” After Mia had rang her up and told her her total, the woman gestured to the door she had just emerged from, “Rough day?”

Collecting the money the woman laid out for her, Mia replied, “Eh, you know — family business”.

The woman nodded in response, allowing for the younger girl to concentrate on counting the change. Jiwon, still standing in the front of the store, pushed himself off of the counter and started walking towards the back door.

“You have this covered, Mia?” He asked thoughtfully. In response, he just got a nod back and a wave of her hand. “Alright then…” Jiwon turned around briefly, “Good luck with the nose”.

After she handed the woman her money back and Jiwon had fled the scene, Mia looked in the direction her cousin was just speaking, and to her surprise, there sat Jeongin attempting to fold his body in on itself in pure embarrassment.

“Hello again.” Mia spoke jovially, with a hint of laughter evident in her voice. She, like her cousin once had, leaned her elbows on the countertop, observing the boy.

“Hi” Jeongin spoke, allowing for his rosy cheeks to do the talking, wishing to be just about anywhere else at that moment.

“So...” She began, as the final customer of the last shift left the store. “What happened to your nose?”

Sighing, Jeongin remained facing forward before responding, “I uh... uhmm”, contemplating on how to explain the occurrences without sounding completely lame.

“You get into a fight? Beat his ass?” Mia mused, trying to make Jeongin smile or at least feel a little better.

“Uh- uhm.. Yeah. Just - you should see the other guy” He breathed out a laugh, as Mia nodded along barely believing his story, but not wanting to hurt his feelings.

Just then, Mia’s Uncle Peter walks up to the younger boy with an icepack in-hand, “Here you go, son. Again, so sorry about that, I keep on telling my wife that we need to get another mat, but she says it is out of financial plan for this month. Trust me you are not the first to take a spill on this thing”, he explained, kicking the rubber mat with his foot.

Jeongin on the other hand, could not possibly get any more red. “Oh, uh, that’s alright.” He held onto the ice pack tightly, making his fingers turn as white as snow.

With a comforting tap on Jeongin’s back, Peter exited through the backdoor, more than likely going to call his wife about the accident that had occurred in their shop, leaving Mia and the young boy alone in the front of the shop.

“The mat, huh?” The young girl spoke, pushing herself off of the counter and walking around to the front door. Stepping on the mat, she tried smoothing out the bumps before watching them take form again. “Yeah, this mat has definitely attempted to murder me before. It’s honestly even worse right after we just got done mopping, because then the floor is all slippery on top of the crappy mat... Glad you’re not dead though.”

“Yeah.. Me too..” Jeongin spoke, feeling a little bit better about himself.

“Let’s see it, then” Mia walked up to face the boy, looking closely at his nose. After a brief inspection she hummed, and commented, “Looks good”, before locking eyes with him and giving a warm smile.

Any and all calmness in Jeongin’s body fled as he stared into Mia’s eyes. Like a desert storm, he felt his tongue dry up as her electric eyes struck his, each blink shaking his soul like thunder with chills running up his arms like soft raindrops. Suddenly the world was frozen in their own little oasis, and he knew, that ‘Rule #3′ is going to be much harder than anticipated.

Mia, on the other hand, found Jeongin’s eyes to look like something you’d see in the Louvre; an oil painting hanging in the dim sun light, filling her body with warmth - but not too much, she hates to sweat.

Pulling away, Mia let out a small laugh to cover her own nervousness, “Did my uncle call you an ambulance, or do you just like hanging around a convenience store all evening?” She walked back around the counter to claim her own seat near the register.

“He, uh...” Jeongin cleared his throat before continuing, “He wanted to, but since it’s not broken I said it was ok. He just didn’t want me leaving just in case.”

“I see...” Mia nodded. “Well you’re lucky to have fallen when he was here, and not just my dumb ass cousin” She mumbled the last bit to herself, before trying to find something to busy herself with.

Jeongin, wishing to continue their conversation, asked “Was that the guy you were fighting with?”

Truth be told, he has never wanted to hit himself more in his entire life after seeing Mia’s reaction to his question.

“You heard that?” She turned to him again. “Oh, well that’s just great”.

“No, I-I-I mean, I just, I had a feeling -” He started, wanting to console her like she had for him, but falling flat.

“He really is an asshole, you know?” Mia grabbed a broom from behind the counter and started sweeping, “Like, who does this bastard think he is, telling me that my education doesn’t matter? Just because I’m not someone who glues my nose to a math book doesn’t mean that my future means any less. And to bring up my mom? Oh, that - that... UGH!!! I just hate him!” She threw the broom down, sitting back on her stool attempting to cool herself down before exploding in front of the boy.

Jeongin assessed the situation, watching her breathe heavily. Admittedly, he was still trying to catch up, as he got taken back by her swearing, but he knew he had to say something. And it had to be good.

“Some people just don’t understand the importance of the liberal arts... I mean, they consume these things day-in and day-out without a single thought of praise, yet when they speak to the creators, it’s suddenly shameful to even take part in something so... ‘barbaric’. It is really stupid, and even with my job people don’t always understand, and they tease and curse at us for every little thing, and some people when you tell them that you’re an artist they laugh like your just a silly kid with these crazy dreams, when you know deep down that you might just have something special. Even if it’s small and still growing with the passing days, it’s still special. I guess, we just have to learn how to not care. Because people are going to talk regardless.”

Mia listened intently before asking curiously, “What’s your job?”

“Oh-...” Jeongin froze, realizing that he had already said too much.

‘How on earth do I get myself out of this one?’ He asked himself before carefully deciding his words.

“I am... a .. musician”

“You sure about that?” She asked, laughing at his stuttered answer.

Not wanting to risk himself giving away his identity as an idol even more, Jeongin just nodded in response.

“What kind of music?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. “Uhm.. it’s like, hip-hop, rock, EDM -”

“You make EDM?” Mia asked incredulously.

Jeongin turned himself to be facing in her direction, “Not necessarily, I mean, my friends make the music, I sing.”

“You sing... to EDM?” Mia laughed, now imagining this shy boy singing to an EDM song.

“Y-Yes?” He responded, now just realizing how silly it sounds, cringing at the fact that what he told her was actually true.

Simmering down from her fit of laughter, Mia looked back at the boy across the counter, “You are an enigma, Jeongin”.

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> MASTERLIST

tag-list: @lovely-manette @jeonstresour @yeongstar @mariafeh @super-btstrash-posts @stray-kids-goddess @peterballardsgf @vixensss

(dm / comment if you want to be added to the tag-list)

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priceofwarmclothes · 5 years

Photo

As many of you are already saying goodbye to 2019 and welcoming in 2020, it’s time for Nikki’s annual love fest, aka: my end of year follow forever.

This year marks a full decade that I’ve been on tumblr (November 2019 was my ten year anniversary!). This year was a rollercoaster, but it brought so many new people into my life that I am SO happy to be bringing with me into the new year. Thank you to everyone who has made my experience on this site something worth sticking around for ♥️

Now, just a little bit of love for some of my favorite people on this site (and on this earth)...

Heatherboo

@kekela717 ♥️ The Sana to my Noora, the Cristina to my Meredith, the Maria to my Liz — there is no better complement in the world than you. Thank you for being my forever reminder that fandom is the family you create with it, and for always making it easier to love myself because I know how easy it is for you. I love you in every universe our souls have met.

Leahbee

@soundoftherain ♥️ I always call you my better half and that never feels like an understatement. You are the most incredible person I have ever known, truly my soulmate in every sense of the word. I love you with every atom in my body and I cannot wait to give you the world’s biggest hug in February. We’ll get to celebrate bringing in a new year together in person soon, I promise x

sweet Chasing

@chasingshhadows ♥️ I cannot hardly wrap my mind around the fact that I only “met” you a few short months ago. Never before have I been so happy to make a subtly shippy gifset that brought you into my life. Thank you for being a bright spot in my life always, from your comforting messages to the pictures of your kitties, to just knowing you’ll always get it whenever I need to talk about something. You’re something special, to me and in this world. I love you so much.

Amanda darlin’

@bisexualalienblast ♥️ My life feels emptier when you’re not around; there’s a big giant Amanda-shaped hole in my heart. But then I remember you’re out there, being your beautiful self for all the world to see, and everything feels right again. Thank you for always being kind to me and giving me a place to belong. Without you, @goodvibesinroswell would never have happened. You gave me the courage and I’ll be forever grateful. Love you, cupcake.

Lucie angel

@lsobelevans ♥️ mon ange, how I adore you. Your talent is only surpassed by your giant heart, I hope you know. Talking to you always makes me feel the warmest, fuzziest feelings. You’re like a warm cup of hot cocoa in human form, just full cosy vibes 24/7. I always feel better after talking to you, I hope I can give you back even a fraction of that.

Livmonster

@driftcombatible ♥️ I miss you always. I hope that 2020 is your best year yet and you achieve everything you put your mind to. You’ll forever be one of those people that I met and changed my life, I hope you know that. I know you hate feelings and getting sappy, so just know this — thank you for putting up with me when you didn’t have to. It didn’t go unnoticed.

Mariahlove

@bethxchilds ♥️ You might not see this but I couldn’t leave one of my most important people off this list, just in case you happen to log into tumblr at some point in 2020. I love you and you are capable of more than you know. Please know that you’re always on my mind and I adore you more than I can ever say.

Katiebug

@universallongings ♥️ This year marks an entire decade that my life has been blessed by you and I cannot imagine my world without you. I hope I never have to, and the universe lets me keep you for as long as possible. I love you, Katiebug. I know you’re a queen and a warrior, who will conquer 2020 :)

Shaunabird

@some-mad-lunge ♥️ my birdie, I love you so much. You are so unbelievably kind, the world needs more people like you. You fight the bad feelings the same way I do, by trying to overwhelm them with love and positive feelings. It’s admirable and I hope you never lose that. May 2020 be as kind to you as you are to the world.

Christi dear

@christchex ♥️ I’m so incredibly grateful that I met you this year. I know we’re newer friends but I hope to get to know you even more next year and learn even more things about you that I just know I will love. I’ll never be over the fic you wrote me this month, I genuinely must reread it a few times every week. It’s absolutely perfect, you captured everything that makes me happy - - the same way that talking to you does.

Samlove

@kylesliz ♥️ my baby girl, may we never part ways no matter how many fandoms with unlikable faves we encounter. I’m so glad the universe let me keep you after you stumbled into my life so many years ago. You’re my sunshine girl, forever and ever. Thank you for being the brightest babe in my galaxy x

Laurenbabe

@laurenkmyers ♥️ guhhh, I just love you a lot, okay? Every single time we talk is my favorite time. Every time I glance at the clock and it’s 21:21, it feels like the universe is giving me a little reminder that you are out there being your wonderful self and it makes my heart smile. Always remember: du er ikke alene.

Nadineee

@malicat ♥️ Thank you for being a constant in my life all these years. I never tell you enough how much I appreciate knowing that if no one else in my life is watching a given show, at least you probably are (at least half the time, haha). Your warmth and kindness you’ve given me over the years is something I hope to keep forever, ilu xo

Aileen

@acomebackstory ♥️ I know that you don’t always feel like you have a place, but I hope you know that you will always have a place with me. I hope 2020 is kind to you, and that you find peace where you can. These good vibes are for you :)

Soph

@dingletragedy ♥️ Soph! Your little messages to me throughout the year have put a giant smile on my face every single time. Seeing all you’ve accomplished in 2019 has only made me more excited for what adventures you’ll go on this coming year. Thank you for always brightening my life with your sunshine.

new pals in 2019, can’t wait to get to know better in 2020

aka: you’ve been saved from my love fest for now, watch out next year ;)

@itslizortecho @jumbled-nonsense @lesbiennesdangereuses @manesguerin @ohstarlings @soberqueerinthewild

darlings that I will love in every universe

aka: y’all bitches love skam as much as me, buckle up for skamfr!

@beejohnlocked @capseycartwright @littlelooneyluna

forever babes (even tho I mostly lurk in the fandom now)

aka: robron is still in my heart but not as much as you darlings

@aarobron @benthighway @callumsmitchells @kayceecruz @maxbowdens @robertisbisexual @rcbertsugden @rollynchs @thisissirius @wycombewanderer

angels who have been in my life & my heart for years

aka: the mutuals who never unfollowed even tho we’ve fandom hopped

@joshdundun @oscarrbait @pretendtofly @ravenclawwit @watchp0int

Happy New Years, everyone. I love you all ♥️

#shut up nikki #follow forever #happy new year babes #thanks for putting up with my sappy ass in 2019 #see you in 2020 x #long post #rl otp: boo and doll #rl otp: hartebeest #rl otp: positively darlin'#rl otp: team hanna #rl otp: sestra #rl otp: pocket slytherin #rl otp: soundtrack of my life #the birdie to my kitty ♥️#lucie is a darling xox

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siyeonjisoo · 3 years

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AVATAR GOING HUNTING NYC 9/3

It has finally happened, y’all! Concerts are back in my life and I am more than thrilled about it. Last night was the first concert I’ve been to since February 13, 2020 so over a year and a half when I’m used to maybe 3 months at most between concerts. Felt so SO good to be back at it and see concert fam folks again!

My comeback was with the incomparable metal band Avatar who I first saw in 2019 when they toured with Babymetal and I had no clue who they were. How things have changed since then. Now without any further ado, I give you how the day went.

I sadly had to go to work in the morning but I left at noon and made it to Irving Plaza around 1:40. I was really worried that I was going to have a horrible spot in line and thus have to hide in the back or along the walls to avoid the mosh pits but I ended up being only the 7th person in line. I had GA ticket and was the first person in line for that. Between already knowing some of the folks there and spending the next 6 hours making friends with them, I ended up being promised they would help me get as close to front row as they could get me which was AMAZING.

Doors opened actually on time and we were able to get into the venue pretty quickly! I ended up SECOND ROW for this show DEAD CENTER. An intense place to be but so very amazing.

Touring with Avatar are two other bands, Tallah and Magic Sword. Tallah performed first with about 5 songs. I’m always completely unfamiliar with the bands touring with folks so I didn’t know this group either. And they aren’t bad but not a group I will go out of my way to listen to again. Drummer kicked ass though, apparently he only joined the band as a replacement drummer 2 months ago and he killed it. The singer has the ability to do splits but that’s the only thing about him I think I like. The other members of the band were just as memorable as their songs, which is to say, not at all.

Next was Magic Sword. That group is a trio, of drummer, guitarist, and keyboardist. They were amazing, 10 out of 10. If you can get the chance to see them in concert, I beg of you to do so. That said, I can’t say I’ll be listening to their music again unless it’s live because they don’t have a vocalist and I like to be able to sing/rap along with music unless it is loud enough I can feel it in every single cell of my body, which is what Magic Sword delivered. Only bad thing to happen here was the crowd was starting to be...less than sober...and the person behind me spilled a quarter of their beer down my ass, right into the pocket where my phone was. I was less than thrilled with this person and was thankful they traded places with their friend for Avatar’s set because the second person was kinder and actually made conversation with us a little bit and apologized for how drunk they both were.

The stage was cleared after Magic Sword performed probably 6 or 7 songs? I can’t tell for sure since their songs do seem to run on the longer side so I may have split a song that is actually one into two. And then it was time for the reason I was there, the main event: AVATAR.

The roadies came out and set up the stage for them with a very different setup than ANY of us expected. There was a projector screen blocking most of our view but we could see three mic stands set up in the front middle, the usual lights and drumset in the back, and then another drumset on stageright next to the microphones.

After many attemted Avatar chants and false alarms from the crew, the band came out. They all lined up, John at the front drumset, Henrik, Johannes, Jonas, and Tim in that order filled in the microphones set up. They all stood looking dead ahead, barely blinking, for a few moments of us screaming before jumping into the first two songs of the night, Colossus and Let it Burn. They performed Colossus without moving or smiling or anything, they looked like robots so so perfectly. They held the positions for what felt like a full minute or two with Henrik trying so so hard to not smile, I could see the corner of his mouth twitching. He looked so happy to be here the whole night!

The lights went down after those 2 songs and they took off the front drumset and changed the microphones back to the usual ones that they can kick up and spread them to give them all more space. When they did, a drumstick dropped on the ground and got left behind so a friend of mine got the venue staff to pick it up and hand it to her! She got a drum stick from Tallah, too I believe.

Next came SIlence in the Age of Apes, Bloody Angel, (Johannes said he thinks of all of us as his) Child (ren), and The Eagle Has Landed. This is where things started getting a LOT more intense in the crowd. I could feel the crowd moving more behind me in Apes so I could tell that there was a mosh pit that was at least starting out by then and by Bloody Angel, people were crowd surfing. At least one person per song would come crashing over us for the rest of the show and I didn’t really love it. I was scared the whole time a foot was gonna come crashing into my head or a staff member was gonna punch me in the nose AGAIN to keep me from getting a foot in the head. which yes, the dude full-on punched me in the nose to catch a foot that swerved away from my head and into the person in front of me instead. An adventure of a moment.

Everyone went off-stage for a few minutes except for Johannes who took a moment to greet us and thank us all for coming He was in his full glory the whole night, that cocky grin glued to his face and a manic joy in his eyes that was genuine happiness to be back in front of a crowd after so long. He gave us some kind of witty (but obvious if you know song names) intro into the next set of songs and the rest of the band came back out.

(Insert quirky pun her) Paint it Red, Secret Door, Swarm, Torn Apart. This was the period of time when I could barely keep my eyes off of Tim because he looked so giddy half the time. Either making faces to tease us or just looking around himself in amazement. More moshing pushing us around and crowd surfers kicking us in the head but oh-so amazing.

Then came the grand piano being carried on stage. No, it wasn’t actually a grand piano, it was a keyboard put into a wood frame to look like a shrunken down grand piano so it looked real but was able to be lifted by three or four people and carried on stage. Johannes sat down and seranaded us with Gun and I have not hated being in an American crowd so much before in my life. Every time I would start to get into the emotions of the song, someone would shout something hardly intelligible because they were so far away or it would be someone screaming “I LOVE AVATAR!” Made me so so so annoyed but Johannes was smiling so I tried to ignore it and let it go.

The piano was taken away and the rest of the band came back to perform Going Hunting. And lemme just tell you that it was an honor to be in the third ever audience to hear that song performed live. It hits all the right feels to kick ass live and at home so I hope people are loving it.

Johannes thanked us for tuning in and making their streamed Dream concerts happen in Avataruary. He said it gave them all a chance to reflect and think about the songs they haven’t performed in years, leading them to their self-titled album, leading us Deeper Down. This song was actually one I don’t know if I’ve listened to before, I’ve kind of stuck with the 4 albums I really like and haven’t branched out much. But it slaps hard.

Next it was time for us to worship our king. Everyone but Kungen left stage and he looked at us like we were ants beneath his feet, barely worthy of being acknowleged while the roadies came and changed his guitar and gave him his royal attire. Kungen slowly started playing the intro and Tim joined him, standing back to back and both of them looking gorgeous while everyone else slowly joined them on stage to build up A Statue of the King. They followed that with zero comments jumping immediately into The King Welcomes You to Avatar Country. Both of those songs are so effing hype that when they all just walked off stage after, I was shook.

I think this was when Johannes started getting a little sappy with us in his comment. He said they’d all agreed that they wouldn’t get emotional on us but he had to take a minute and thank us all for being back here with them. And the way he knows that we’re really back together is because even though we all look so different we all *snifs armpits* smell the same. We all Smell Like a Freakshow. I don’t know if it’s just me but it felt like we were all saving up energy for this song and went absolutely feral. I used up almost all the energy I had left so I just did the bare minumum for Wormhole right after. Moved just enough to avoid getting hit in the head with someone else’s head.

Then for what I think was only the second time all night, everybody went off stage. Every other time, Johannes has stuck around and chatted while the others were gone but he left too. They did a quick little outfit change behind the scenes I think, Johannes came back on with his overalls undone so clearly he was hot. And, you know, a warm temperature as well. Yup.

And just like that, as though 3 hours hadn’t passed since the first band started, it was time for the last song of the night. It was time to Hail the Apocalypse. This song is the only song I know for sure they performed the last time I saw them live and I feel like it only gets better the more I hear it. They could make a 10 minute version of it and I would still be asking for more.

They went off-stage for a second and everyone put down their instruments and came back without anything and just let us cheer for them. They gave us a little bow and then started saying thank you and waving good bye. I saw Tim say “I love you” at the crowd and I think John and Jonas both blew kisses at us.

And then it was over. They left the stage, the lights came up in the house, we all made sure everyone was okay from all the flying feet that came at us, and the venue staff told us it was time to go home. I had friends going the same way I was so I was able to keep the magic going for a little while longer before I started my journey home alone.

These guys are all so amazing and I am so lucky I got to fall in love with them the way I did. And I am so happy to have the friends I’ve made at this show and every other show I’ve been to. It was an amazing way to get back to concerts, starting it off with a bang. I have blisters, bruises, and sore everything but I would do it all again tonight if only I could. It is now time to start counting down the days till I follow Miyavi around for a week on tour in October!

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME HUNTING, AVATAR! Glory to Our King!

The setlist was given to my my friend. All other photographs are taken by yours truly

#avatarmetal #johannes #john #henrik #tim #jonas #kungen #concerts #going hunting #avatar going hunting #magic sword #tallah

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maxbegone · 4 years

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I think now is ahout the perfect time to get a little sappy.

I could go on about the year, the intensity of it and how tough it’s truly been, but I’d rather talk about how grateful I am instead.

I am always and forever grateful for my beebees @kaleidoscopegirl and @paladinofsappho, both of whom I’ve gotten to know throughout the last four (wow) years. I know I’m stupidly, stupidly behind on CR Campaign 2, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get around to catching up, but you two know how much our friendship surrounded by that show with the nerdy ass voice actors means to me. There’s been a lot that’s gone on in these last few years for all three of us, but I think knowing we have a constant in our friendship is so important. There have been so many up-ups and down-downs. Thank you for being two of my greatest friends, I adore you both to the ends of the earth. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I am richer for having known you. Forever btlftb, I love you both ♥️

And of course, this guy - the man of many hats, voices, and haircuts.

My blog has transformed into something else this year. I’ve pivoted a bit from video games (still forever the loves of my life, don’t get me wrong), toward that little show about the town with the funny name.

I’m so beyond grateful for Schitt’s Creek. I fell for it hard and fast, and in doing so I’ve gotten to meet so many wonderful people in this community. First @roguebebe and @stuck-on-your-heart and @believeinthepoweroflove, shortly thereafter was @brighter-than-sunshine, @danieljradcliffe, @ratchet @petrodobreva, @high-seas-swan, @fishyspots, @rosebuddsmotel, @yourbuttervoicedbeau, @hullomoon @poppetmurrays and @kaytikazoo of course, as a way of reconnecting. And I know I’m missing people...

So many fics, so many tags, so many headcanons. I got back into writing this year; oneshots, drabbles, chaptered works which I never thought I’d be able to do. SC sparked my love of writing that has been smothered and dulled for so long. That show has taught me, once again, to reevaluate the way I write, the way I perceive characters, their relationships with one another, inner monologue and so on. I’m so grateful for that — I don’t care how cheesy that sounds. There’s so much love in that show and in this community.

Lastly, and this is for me: I’m proud of myself. I’m exhausted, I worked non-stop, went to school, wrote, worried, panicked, fell into a rut but I’ve made it to the end of the year. I’m back in therapy, and yes there is so much I have to work on (ie relaxing, saying no, putting myself first), but I’ve still accomplished things. After a year and a half of working I went back to school. Sure it was derailed in March, but I’ve completed two full years of college. I am so beyond proud of myself for doing that.

So yes while I still have my moments of feeling utterly stuck and like I will never get out of the place I’ve put myself in, I still harbor just enough optimism to push that negativity away. I think I’m partially unrecognizable from the person I was three years ago. That’s not a bad thing, that means I’ve grown.

I made a post at the end of 2019 saying “Hey, 2020, I’m going to kick your ass.” And you know what? Sure, I think the universe rolled a ten with disadvantage a few times this year (maybe I’m being generous, but we had some wins!) but we still made it through. 2020 may have kicked our asses but we got to the end, that just means we kicked its ass, too.

So, 2021. I don’t know what you’ll bring, but I’ll be working hard the whole way through.

Here’s to whatever this next year holds!

#long post #personal #ok to reblog #btlftb

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for-the-ninth · 3 years

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For writers & readers who write & read <3

Two people who are not my partner read the first chapter of my fic and actually liked it! Small potatoes for those of you who’ve been writing for a while, I’m sure, but for me it feels nice to have my work validated. And getting crit wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be! (warm fuzzies incoming)

I went to school for music and was a classically trained vocalist, so I’m no stranger to critiques that are *highly* personal (i.e. “that dress is too tight on you dear, maybe try something more flattering for your next performance”) and I think since then, I’ve expected people to be jerks when it comes to giving me feedback on any creative endeavor of mine.

Writing is a hobby I picked up in 2019. It started when I played DA:I for the first time and felt compelled to scribble down some daydreams that later turned into a haphazard story. I put it down during the Great Covid Depression and picked it back up a few months ago, at which point I decided that I didn’t just want to write - I wanted to become proficient at it.

Since then I’ve been writing my ass off, reading my ass off, and poring over various articles from authors and editors. My partner reads my drabbles religiously and always has kind things to say, but I knew at some point, I’d need an unbiased review of my work if I truly wanted to improve.

I became active on Tumblr again, first as a way to catalogue fanart, and then as a way to slip into the writing community, and MAN that has been (and continues to be) intimidating. There are so many fantastic writers here, who’ve been navigating the world of fanfic since they were teenagers. Here I am, almost 30, and I’m writing a story for the first time since elementary school. But I always tell my students it’s never too late to start a new thing, so I can’t very well let insecurity get the better of me now.

Anyway, many thanks to my new beta readers, to those of you who stopped to read this message, fellow writers who are brave enough to share your work so the rest of us can revel in it, and especially those of you who read the little bits and pieces I post and leave comments. Even interactions that seem insignificant combine and form a chain reaction that motivates me to keep putting my stuff out there and connecting with other writers.

A big sappy gay thanks, from Egg of the Internet

#fanfic #personal #i was gonna say sorry for the sap but you know what #i'm not sorry #i'm just gay

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kittyanonymity · 5 years

Audio

Hi yes, I KNOW this isn’t one of my OTHER projects, but this song gives me major Damian and Adrien vibes. I like to think Adrien and Damian could bond over shitty parents, Damian about his mom, and Adrien about his dad. Managed to get this typed up between breaks on ALiG; chapter 6 is making steady progress finally lol This would be a Daminette/Jondrien fic, with Damian and Adrien Bros.

It won’t let me post the whole song on tumblr for some reason?? So here’s a proper link.

More below the cut about the particular AU this spawned, as well as the lyrics.

(also this whole album/band kicks ass, I highly recommend)

((ALSO ALSO this is actually a Brucelie -BruceXEmilie-fic too))

tw for casual weed smoking mention I guess? and abuse themes definitely

I am your son, you are my mother I'm on my own, you're not my lover Don't tell me how to live

I am your son, you are my father You led us like lambs on our way to the slaughter Who do you think you are?

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses X6

I am your son, she's not my mother You think she's perfect, to me, just another Do you think it's okay?

But I am your son, for worse or for better Despite the fact that you a homewrecker I guess that's who you are

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses X18

SO the idea here is this.

Obviously the parts in the beginning about the mother are from Damian’s point of view, and about the oppression he dealt with while in her care. Talia for those who aren’t as into DC is just, WOW levels of awful. She’s controlling, and very much trying to map out all of Damian’s life; and when Damian’s young, he’s fine with this. It’s kind of a classic case of ‘mother knows best’, but at its absolute worst. This starts to change once Damian goes to stay with his father in canon of course. Age Range for Damian: 10 to 12 or so?

The next three lines of lyrics are more from Adrien’s/Chat’s perspective; the ‘lambs led to slaughter’ are Adrien and the rest of the Miraculous team, and it really is about how angry Adrien is at his father for what’s he’s done to his family, and his friends. I imagine in the background during this part Adrien realizing his father is Hawkmoth during the final altercation; Gabriel will try to Akumatize him, and before Ladybug can step in, Chat cataclysms the butterfly, and just starts. BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIS FATHER. They’re like 18 at this point, and his transformation wears off as he goes to take the Miraculous, and once it does, Gabriel kicks him off. The fight gets ugly, but Ladybug had managed to before this fight, fix the peafowl miraculous. And when she heals Emilie while Chat’s fighting, the woman wakes up in time to see her son go flying. She beats his ass with the assistance of Ladybug. It’s gonna get sappy after that. Ages for this Adrien/Mari: 18; they’ll leave paris 4 years later, to Gotham.

Following that, the next four lines I generally see being from both boys; Damian, once he’s embraced living with his father and brothers, and becoming Robin, reflecting on how his mother was wrong; and Adrien, once his father is in prison and he moves to the states with Marinette, Chloe, and his mother and begins to find peace without the overbearing nature of his father. Maybe there will also be some true Felix and Adrien bonding?? Amelie will definitely show up cause like, holy shit, hr sister is back???! Once again, here’s ages: Mari/Adrien: 22, Damian: 23, Jon: 21

The ‘Black Roses’, for me, can be interpreted in a couple different ways. One, both boys hail from wealth; Adrien as a model, and Damian as both an Al Ghul, and the Wayne heir. Canonically, we know Bruce cultivates roses, and I’d imagine they’re grown in grief; much the same for Adrien, as his father didn’t much care for any flowers until his mother ‘died’. Two, it could just symbolize both boys breaking away from, and grieving, what they never really had; albeit, a bit angrily given the tone of the song.

And following the first chorus, we dive a little into how Damian feels about Selina, initially. He doesn’t trust her, doesn’t want her around his family, and certainly not around his father, who is, disturbingly, the more stable parent (we all know how fucked up Brucie really is, poor man) the boy’s had. And he maybe resents Bruce a little bit, cause like, why couldn’t he have loved Talia? Why this woman? When Selina and Bruce break up, he’s even more angry because he’d been starting to like Selina and seeing them both hurting is annoying for him. It does pass of course, like things usually do. He’s shocked when Bruce introduces Emilie. It’s hard not to like her though. Selina and Bruce break up when he’s 15, and he meets Emilie when he’s 23.

The next Few lines are once again more Adrien focused, his own reflecting on how he’s his father’s son. By this point in the lyrics, he’s met Jon, and he’s terrified of hurting him how his father hurt Emilie; he doesn’t want to be anything like Gabriel, but the media has done a bit of a number on him the last few years. This is where he and Damian also start to find they have a bit more in common than they thought.

I like to imagine the last bit of the song is these 2 blessed boys bonding over trauma slowly but surely, feat. Adrien teasing Damian over Mari (because she’s literally everyone’s crush!!), and Damian hissing half threats back to tell Jon about the hearts in Adrien’s notebook. With a guest appearance from!! Overprotective Bros Damian and Adrien with a Visiting Nino, who’s really just happy to have a Third Bro, and So Stoked to be Here. Chloe and Marinette are wondering where they went wrong. Damian teaches Adrien how to deal with trauma in a Better Way, and Adrien teaches Damian how to Be Silly.

(Three Older Robins are S C A R E D )

AND THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PROPER OUTLINE.

Ages by the end are all about 23 or so, one moment, math time....

Ok, yeah, 23 or so. As fun as it is writing teenagers again, I love writing them as adults because it opens up the door for deeper character introspection, and i am A SLUT for that shit! Plus that means Jason and Tim can smoke weed and no one can tell me otherwise. OOH AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR EMILIE AND ALFRED BONDING!!! THEY’RE BOTH PEACOCKS! I do NOT need another story to write but wow this idea is really growing on me I tell you what.

And this doesn’t even hardly TOUCH on what Marinette and the girls have been up to in the background because holy shit. A team made of Mari, Chloe, and Emilie with Alya as back up when she shows up, plus Amelie; add in the Wayne girls and it’s CHAOS.

And Bruce, well.

He can’t remember a time when the manor was so lively; and he surprisingly wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I might put together a proper outline at some point but who knows lol It’s taken me ages to get the will to type this out; I’ve had this in my head since like October of 2019 I think?? so a few months

also I totally blame the inclusion of Brucilie on @kandoesfanfics-writes or littlekittykanny over on Ao3; I’ve absolutely fallen in love with the way they write Bruce and Emilie and it found its way in there! Thank you for introducing me to this beautiful ship!! <3

see you guys soon hopefully! <3

small tag list cause I think you guys might like this idea :3

@casualdarkness @northernbluetongue @2sunchild2 @ivymala07 @chez-pezeater @persephonebutkore @weird-pale-blonde-person @crazylittlemunchkin @thequestionablyhuman @da-tasuky @vivilakitty @zerotosiki @mikantsume @fandomkitty8 @miraculous786

#maribat #mlb x dc #daminette #jondrien #I've had this stewing in my head for MONTHS btw #I like the idea of Adrien and Damian being bros #eventually #adrien is still sunshine and damian is still grumpy #but ya know #traumatized versions of that i suppose #maridami

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whorizcn · 4 years

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A BETTER PRESENT TAG GAME !! ♡ ~

RULES : list 5 reasons why the present ( in your personal life ) is better than the past or however many years ago. then tag some people !

TAGGED BY : kai ( @mshelleys ) thank you so much for the tag mama !! i love you sosososo much !! 💕💕

TAGGING : @holotones , @honeywharf , @hiraethas , @euterppe , @emdrabbles , @gingerling !! absolutely no pressure as always, feel free to ignore this !!

TW FOR UNDER THE CUT : self harm &&. depression.

i’m falling in love with living : life is a fucking bitch but y’know what? it has its moments. years ago i truly believed that i didn’t deserve to live. that i would never have anything to live for and that my life was worthless, that i was worthless. my struggle with my inner demons and mental health has kicked my ass for so long and it took me even LONGER to step back and think, hey, maybe life isn’t as bad as i thought it was. maybe i’m not the lost cause i thought i was, maybe i don’t actually deserve to die. my friends have been helping me learn this and i’m a hell of a lot happier than i was years ago !! i still have my bad days, hell 2020 has been a string of really, really bad days. but y’know what ?? i deserve to be here, and i’ll be damned if i end my life before i finally start to believe that

i no longer self - harm : my struggle with self - harm has been really fuckin long and tiring, but this december i will officially be two years clean from self - harm !! it took me so fucking l o n g to stop but i’m really fucking proud of myself for staying strong !! my friends have helped me so much in my battle and lending me shoulders to cry on and i cannot thank them enough for everything !! i’m so much happier now and i know that if younger me could see my progress she’d be sososo proud of me so yeah !! go me wkadkwjda

i’m writing for myself : writing has always been my form of escapism, until i got wrapped up in the hell that is perfectionism and self - doubt and then it wasn’t. but after i joined writeblr i started to have FUN and fall back in love with writing and holy shit did i miss it. i put so much pressure on myself before to be perfect but now it feels amazing to just fucking RELAX and write my chaotic ass wips in peace !! AND I WON NANO 2019 !! younger me would’ve NEVER thought i would've been able to do that but! checkmate hoe !! i fucking DID JWADIWJDK

i’ve come out : sexuality and i have never gotten along. for the longest time i identified as bisexual, but in the past few years i’ve come to realize that men ?? fuck no. me accepting myself as a lesbian has taken a while, but i’m so fucking proud to be a lesbian, and i’m equally proud ( and thankful ) that so far my family accepts me as such. i haven’t came out to my parents yet, and i’m not sure when i will. but so far i’ve come out to my grandma and my brother and they’ve both been so incredibly supportive and amazing and i’m just !!! so grateful to have them in my life !!

i joined writeblr : not to be a sappy bitch but joining writeblr was one of the best decisions i’ve ever made. after me and one of my closest friends decided to stop being friends, i felt lost. but then i found writeblr and i’m so fucking happy i did, this community is so incredibly beautiful and for the first time in my life i actually found somewhere where deep in my heart i knew i belonged. i’ve made so many amazing friends and writeblr has helped me so much in regards to my social anxiety and just mental health in general !! it’s also given me a platform to share my writing with people who genuinely CARE and that’s just !! so fucking awesome !! so YEAH, thank you for allowing me this platform and listening to me bitch and moan everyday, y’all fucking RULE ladjwdadwkakdwjw 💕💕

#self harm tw #depression tw #mental health tw #if i rambled and became a sappy ass bitch under the cut no i didnt 💕#KAI THANK U FOR GIVING ME A REASON TO BITCH ABT FEELINGS AND STUFF #THIS WAS REALLY SWEET AND !!! I REALIZED IVE MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS AND GROWN SO MUCH AND THATS SO DOPEEE #I REALLY AM THAT BITCH ARENT I #ALSO I- DIAWJDW #i feel like this doesnt make any sense LMAOOJADWO IM SORRY #IM TIRED ASF SO THIS IS JUST ONE BIG INCOHERENT SCRAMBLE OF WORDS #* about.#* tag games!

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thought-loop · 5 years

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An Irresponsibly Long and Occasionally Corny Love Letter

Okay, so this is going to be a long one. I’ve found myself in a situation where my life is the best it’s ever been, and it feels so incredibly surreal waking up to it every morning. I’ve been wanting to talk about it for a while now, and I want to make sure I get it all down on record before the memory is too distant.

If you found your way here through a link I sent you, this is written for you in particular. This is an extended thank you to you, and I want you to know how you’ve touched my life.

Fall 2019 was my 7th semester in college. It was a dark time in my life. College burnout was hitting me hard, and my mental health suffered as a result. I routinely skipped my classes and slept in until 2pm. I felt like a stranger in my own college, and I dreaded studying. I had no friends in the CS department that I regularly talked to, and this made me feel like an island. My grades in the fall were abysmal, and my grades in the spring were even worse. By the time May came around, I was in jeopardy of failing out after 4 years.

I was determined to finish what I started. I picked up 18 credits over the summer, and three of the classes were my third and final attempt to pass them. Summer of 2019 was do or die. I was in too deep to give up, so I kicked things into high gear. When summer session began, I hit the ground running. I spent the first few weeks getting waaaay ahead wherever I could. I studied like I had something to prove, because I did.

As a result, I became an active member in class GroupMes answering questions and helping others (in addition to ranting and posting memes). I had always loved these groups, and they made up most of my social interactions. As an introvert, I generally have a hard time putting myself out there and making friends. But these groups felt very approachable, and they gave me a place where I felt comfortable reaching out. I took better notes if I knew someone else would see them, and the study guides I posted were lauded. Helping others in the class not only kept my understanding sharp, but it also energized me. I had inadvertently made a name for myself in these forums. Around exams and project due dates, I was regularly getting 5-10 DMs a day from various people. This was a massive and welcome change to how I’d been studying for the past year. It made me feel like I had something to offer as a person. For the first time in a long time, I felt valued and validated.

But it went a step further than that. Eventually I wasn’t just getting messages from people with homework questions. I was getting messages about everything. I know a lot of people who were hit with AI violations for McDaniel’s second project, because a lot of them reached out to me about it seeking advice and comfort. I’ve had people consult me about switching majors before they spoke with an advisor. Hell, I’ve been asked for relationship advice in a GroupMe DM from someone I had never met in the flesh. I don’t know how or why, but somehow I had become a confidante for a significant number of people who I’d never even met. And I was (and still am) always happy to talk with people about the things they’re dealing with. As the daughter of a therapist, I feel energized by opportunities to help others with their problems.

In any case, I was taken aback. It’s hard to accurately describe the gravity of what I experienced without coming across as factitious posturing, but it’s difficult not to when the people around me have made me feel like I’m on one. I brought it up with other friends who were active in these groups, and they said they didn’t have this experience of having their peers message them out-of-the-blue to talk about their thoughts, problems, dreams. I recognized that lot of people began to see me as someone they respect, someone they can trust with their baggage, someone who they can open up to _even _about their more embarrassing predicaments. It felt like I was given a special role that no one else knew about, and one that was really hard to explain.

Even describing it now, it sounds like I’m blowing smoke up my own ass. But I just want to make it known that this has been a borderline religious experience for me. During the months leading up to this point I felt completely alone. I felt like a failure. I felt like a waste of space. I stopped taking care of myself. When I started posting study guides and answering question in GroupMe, I was doing it for my own benefit as a last-ditch effort to stay in the major. I had no idea that so many people would huddle around me in the way they did. I’ve shed tears reflecting on the overwhelming amount of support and love I’ve received from people I’ve never met, DMing me spontaneously to just check in on me and see how I was doing. It’s an incredible feeling knowing there are people who think of me and are looking out for me, and I’ve never experienced anything like it in my 23 years on this earth--at least anything of this magnitude.

So that was my motivation for writing this. It’s a difficult experience to talk about (it doesn’t really work in casual conversation), but I had to find a way to let the people who’ve impacted me know how much they’ve impacted me. I’ve had conversations with so many amazing people, and I want them to know how amazing they are in my eyes. My life has been changed in a way that I could never imagined, and I will think back on this experience fondly for years to come.

I want to take a moment to get sappy and name some people in particular, for various reasons, as individuals who I’m especially grateful for or that I have particularly fond memories of.

Nate: You were the first friend I made in those forums back in fall semester, and even though we only briefly see each other, I still consider you a close friend of mine. You were the only person I talked to in my classes for a long time. You were there when I felt most alone, and I’ll always remember that.

Jimmy: Between you, Nate, and I, we’ve always been the Meme Gang in our groups, probably annoying the shit out of everyone else. We’ve become sort of partners in crime in our classes this semester, and it’s been a wonderful partnership. You’ve become my study buddy of choice if I ever need help because I know I can count on you.

Vernika: I remember you messaging me back before summer session even started to establish a friendship, and I’m so glad you did. I would never leave my house if it weren’t for you inviting me over between classes, letting me sleep on your couch because of my nightmarish sleep schedule, and otherwise being an awesome person to hang out with. If it weren’t for you I also wouldn’t have met Evelynn or Kyle who I literally owe giant chunks of my grade to.

Ajinkya: We haven’t spoke in a while, but I still wanted to thank you in particular. Back when I was doing McDaniel’s third project, you stayed up for hours with me helping me debug my code. It probably seemed like nothing to you, but I still have fond memories of working with you.

Chris: When Evelynn first introduced us, the first thing you said to me was, “Wait, you’re not _the _Chloe are you? The one from the GroupMes?” You made me feel like a rockstar then, and you _always _make me feel like a rockstar to this day. Even when I’m bombing hard, your positivity is infectious. You have a unique style of communicating that motivates me to act and keeps me from being too self-deprecating.

There are so many more people I could talk about and so many other experiences that impacted me, but this post is already getting monstrously long and I’d actually like for people to read it. But I just wanted to express how fondly I think of you all in particular. Most of you had stuck your necks out for me long before you had even met me and made me feel welcome in a way I hadn’t felt in years.

To those reading this, thank you for indulging me. These are things that I’ve been holding inside for a while, and it feels good to finally get it out there. If any of you ever need someone to lean on, even years from now, for whatever reason, you know where to find me. I wish you all the best.

From me to you,

Chloe

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apathycarestostudy · 5 years

Note

Heyyy. Loved your ted talk. Requesting motivation on this front too cause dying and nearly failing cause fanfiction and denial is easier than studying and being responsible and then crying cause its all gone to hell on a freight train.

Heyyyyy. Thank you for tuning in, and allowing me to wreck your day. Also, I'm sorry about the late reply. I kinda just started uni again and even though I was ready, I really wasn't ready. FML.

That aside –

I've been there before. Still am sometimes. Whenever an old author would post a new chapter after a millennia of silence, when you get into a new fandom and need fanfiction now now now, or even when you dabble in a little writing yourself, it takes real will power to drop it for good. And I'm not asking you to as a fellow fangirl. But here's what you could do.

Whenever I feel like I'm spending too much time reading writing fanfiction (which is like never amiright), I ask myself a crucial question: will fanfiction pay your bills? No? Enjoy the comfort and security paid on the backs of your hard working parents. No really. Why should their hard earned money go into a savings account? To retire? Pshhhhh.

I'm very masochistic.

I honestly believe that if you gotta get nitty gritty and cuss yourself out, you should do it. Family is really important to me, like on a whole other level, so I would very nearly burst into tears if I tell myself shit like that. There's one person who knows how to truly break you down that's always available, and that's you. If breaking yourself down is what it takes to get your ass moving, do it. You'll cry as you revise your notes, but hey look at you, revising your notes!

Find your Achilles heel. Clobber the shit out of it. That's my advice to you.

What's a twenty minute study session, a thirty minute room sprussing, a ten minute shower going to do to your fanfic? It'll still be there when you come back. And there's really nothing like the feeling of getting back to it after putting some time into yourself.

I want to show you this thing right here –

Don't get it twisted though, turn up turn up is my way of saying listen to music and dance around. I don't smoke or drink or anything. Ehem. Well this was a schedule I made using Evernote because it just so happened to be on my phone and like why not, for the last week of summer break I believe. As you can see, it looks productive as hell at first glance, when in reality, I get about 5 slots of obligations you could say, and about 10 slots of things I want to do. After following this (trying, not as fully as I would've liked), I felt accomplished – like it was easy, like I was capable. So I kept doing it for a few days. Right before I sleep, I'll open Evernote because again, why not, and I'd pop open a template and make a loose (keyword: loose) schedule for myself, and incorporate as much time to do stuff I like as I possibly could without getting too unproductive. But the key is to schedule the fun into slots so you don't overdo it. I put study right after breakfast because when I woke up and had a good meal, and it was still the beginning of the day where I hadn't fucked up yet, I would be at my best. This obviously is subject to change since I started uni and I'll have to put in class time, but the intentions are still the same. You can do it. And this is coming from someone who abhors schedules. I don't like it yet, but it's helping me a little, and God knows I need the help.

As parting words, don't worry anon. If you're riding the freight train, you can still get off at the next stop. Put your best leg forward and take a step. Half a step. That's enough. When I was younger and my parents told us what to do and when to do it, I never had time to indulge in fandoms, so what did I do? I stayed up on weekends (and a few weekdays secretly) to read/write. All the way into morning. It's one of the fondest memories I have of my childhood. So I can understand the deep connection, as sappy as that sounds. Just understand that we're grown now, and part of being grown is to make your own schedule instead of your parents. At first you'd like to just put FANFIC TIME YAY in every slot, and you will, as I have, but acknowledge how fickle time is, how with everyday you're growing, they are too, and every "one more chapter" is time taken away from investing in your future livelihood. So for your sake, and for the sake of indulging in it whenever you'd like, live.

Also, you can't afford WiFi if you don't practice self control.

Ask box is open to answer questions and give study and adulting advice. May we all have our ducks in a line.

Posted: 4th Aug 2019

#procrastination tips #study tips #studyblr #study blog #study advice #study motivation #college #fanfiction addiction #adulting #nonaesthetic studyblr #apathycarestostudy

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theycallmemoosey · 6 years

Text

Memories

Dan x Reader

A/N - Yahoo! Back again for 2019! Happy new year! So, here’s another lovely request that I really really enjoyed writing from the wonderful @winchestergirl907 . I hope you guys enjoy it! Moose :)

---------------------------------------------------------

“So guys,” Benny began as yourself and Dan settled into the chairs in front of the famous ‘Fine Bros’ scenery, “I know you’ve been and done this before for a couple of videos but I’ll just do a quick rundown so you know what’s going to happen. So, what we’re going to do is ask you a couple of questions about yourselves and your relationship etc etc and then we’re going to show you some clips. Act as naturally as possible and we’ll guide you in the direction we need you to go. Once we’ve shown all the clips we have for you we’ll ask you a couple more questions about the clips and what you thought and then the whole sign off thing. Sound ok with you guys?”

“Sounds awesome” you replied, smiling and nodding as you sorted out your hair.

“Received” Dan added, cringing slightly after realising what he had just said.

“Ah-shit. Just got to talk to Rafi about something. I’ll be two seconds. Sorry guys”

“Oh no,” you reassured, “don’t worry. No rush”

As Benny left, Dan leant into your shoulder and whined in your ear, “can you sort out my hair?”

“It’s fine” you replied, not even looking at him as you checked your phone.

“Y/N!”

“Stop it, Dan. It’s fine” you chuckled, lifting your hand to stroke his head.

“You just messed it up. Fix it!”

Sighing, you put your phone down and turned towards him, placing his curls in random places just to keep him happy.

“Are you okay by the way? You seem…nervous”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah. Quiet and just fidgety. It's not like you haven’t filmed a collab video before”

“Yeah. No. I’m fine. I’m just really tired that’s all. Jet-lagged”

“Well sorry you had to come back to MY country to see MY family for Christmas, even though I live in YOUR shitty, rainy, boring old country”

Dan looked at you blankly, “Don’t be racist”

Laughing, you finished off ‘fixing’ his hair.

“Better?”

“Much” he smiled, kissing you quickly before returning to the position he was just in as Benny walked back onto set.

“Sorry about that guys, we’re ready to start when you are”

“Ready!”

“Ok. I’m gonna do the intro and then we’re into it. Just act natural”

“Easy” Dan smiled.

——————————

“Dan Howell and Y/N L/N. You two are a very famous youtube couple that has a total subscriber count of over 8 million. How long have you two been together?”

“We have been together for about…” you hesitated, looking at Dan for help, only to physically see the cogs turning in his brain as he too tried to work out how long you had been together.

“7 years? We’ve been together since 2012 haven’t we?” Dan asked you.

“I think so” you laughed, looking back at Benny who was looking at the list of questions on his sheet.

“How did you two meet?”

“Well we both were young idiots making videos on youtube and somehow we had already made quite a large fanbase separately. We were both invited to the Sony Awards that year in which Dan and Phil were nominated for the Golden Headphones Award for their radio show.”

“Yeah, I remember that now. Oh god, 2012…” Dan cringed, remembering how awkward the whole event was, “Wait, why were you even there”

“I think I was just invited by my uncle who was one of the nominees. You know he lives in England.” you replied, looking at Dan before looking back toward Benny to continue the story, “Dan and Phil didn’t know a lot of people there and I, for one, appeared to be the only American there. Naturally, the three loneliest people got together and we really got on”

“We then showed her around London for the next two weeks while she was over here” Dan continued, “then we exchanged Skype usernames and our numbers and everything before she went home. Remember that? Skype? Ew”

“I can still hear the ringtone” you laughed, remembering the hours the two of you spent calling each other.

“I think it was only a few weeks later that we officially got together. I mean, I knew from the moment I saw you that I liked you, and it was a few weeks after you left you finally told me you liked me back” Dan smiled, taking your hand underneath the table to keep the PDA to a minimum.

“We were online boyfriend and girlfriend for months before I finally got enough money to go back over to the UK to see them again. We did this for ages”

“And then eventually, Phil and I decided that we missed Y/N as soon as she left our apartment so we asked if she wanted to move in with us. We were looking to move apartments anyway so we thought, why not? We never did end up moving though so you moved into the iconic London apartment before we moved last year”

“So how long have you been living together now?”

Dan chuckled, “Probably about four years or so. Best four years of my life”

“Shush you big baby” you laughed, slapping his arm playfully.

“So we have a few clips to show you if you’re ready?”

“Yup. Ready” you nodded at Benny, taking the laptop from him.

“So I’m sure you guys have seen some edits of your relationship as you are the fan favourite relationship of youtube”

“Are we really the fan favourites? I didn’t think we could compare to couples like Alfie and Zoe or Felix and Marzia…god forbid, I never thought we would be the fan favourites against the Joe and Dianne!” you blabbered excitedly.

“How far back do these clips go? Right back to 2012?!” Dan asked, jokingly with a panicked tone.

“Yes! Right back to 2012!”

“NOOOOOOO!” Dan groaned jokingly, placing his head in his hands as the first clips began to play.

————————————

“Oh!” You exclaimed, “this is of you and Phil recording the radio show!”

“We just wanted to say, “ 2012 Phil stated into the mic, “that we are so grateful here at BBC Radio 1 for all your votes that made us win the Golden Headphones Award last week. We are honestly beyond thrilled that our silly little show has brought you guys so much entertainment so thank you guys”

“Phil,” Dan replied, “stop being so sappy”

“Sorry. It was actually a great evening. Really fun. We met a load of new people and got to learn more about radio stations etc etc. Oh but Dan loooooved the party. We both made a new friend who happens to now be staying with us. She’s pretty awesome actually”

“You hear that kids? Going outside can sometimes be a good thing!”

“Hear that hun? 2012 Dan wasn’t lying. You really need to start going out some more…it can be a good thing”

“But the outside is dangerous. And I’m not a kid”

“Shush, just watch it”

The video went from present day back to 2012, Dan and Phil showing you around central London.

“This is the famous Big Ben?” You asked, your accent thicker than usual as you were living in America at the time.

“I know, not very impressive is it?” Phil laughed, panning the camera over to the three of you, their hair longer and straighter than you ever cared to remember. It was easy to spot that Dan had a thing for you back then, as he could not take his heart-eyes off of you as you took in the surroundings.

“Well, I’m not saying it’s not impressive but…it’s not exactly the Empire State, is it?”

Dan laughed, “Yeah, it’s a bit underwhelming. Onwards to the London Eye!!”

Dan laughed, “Two days you had been in that country and you drag our entire culture down in a matter of seconds. Wow.”

“It’s true! It is so hyped up. Although to be fair, we had a great rest of the day”

“And using the Empire State in comparison. Y/N, you aren’t even from New York”

“Yes but that’s what most people think about first when they think about America in general. After Hamburgers, Trump and guns”

“Woah. Stereotyping your own country”

“What’s this?” You asked, pointing towards the laptop.

“Oh lord, it's the pink diary video. The one we filmed after we announced that we were together”

“Shit! No! Do not press play, Daniel!”

“You had a bright pink diary when you were 12!”

“Dude, if you think that’s bad, then you should have seen my room. Bright pink walls, curtains, floors, bedsheets…got how much I regret that. Well, perks of getting your older sister’s old room”

As the two of you scanned through the pages, Dan flicked to the page where you mention your childhood crush.

“Oh my…who’s Elijah, Y/N?”

“What? Oh god, Dan wait” you laughed, lunging to grab the diary from his hands.

“Y/N, are you cheating on me? Already?!” He gasped, laughing as he held the diary out of reach from you.

“Dan, just…give it back. Let me see it!”

“How do I explain Elijah?” Dan began to read, “He is the coolest, most popular, handsomest - Y/N, that’s not even a word!”

“Shut up, Daniel” you slapped his arm.

Dan chuckled and cleared his throat before continuing, “Handsomest boy in school. God, how much I wish he would notice me. O-M-G. I think I love him!!”

You groaned, covering your face with your hands.

“That will forever be one of my favourite things I have done with you” Dan smiled, pausing the video as you calmed down from your giggle fit.

“Hearing all about my first love, Elijah? God, 12 was a good age for me”

“What’s next?” Dan laughed, pressing play and starting the next video.

“Oh! It’s my first gaming channel appearance”

“Hello, DanandPhilgames spooky weekers!! Today, we are delving into the well-known game that is no doubt going to make me shit myself, Outlast! Unfortunately, Phil is not able to join me today because he has left me all alone in the house which was a very stupid idea. However, because I am too much of a pansy to actually do this by myself I invited, the one, the only, the very amazingly beautiful pain in my ass, Y/N!” He paused, waiting for you to roll the chair into frame.

“Y/N!” He repeated, waving his hands as a gesture to get you over, “Seriously? Do I have to do this? Oh come on”

Dan shuffled towards you and grabbed the arm of your chair, pulling you into frame as you frowned at the camera.

“I don’t want to be here” you stated, Dan laughing next to you.

“The people need a video and there is no way I am playing this game on my own at night in an empty house. I’d do it for you!”

“Well, I’m here now aren’t I? Eurgh come on, let's just get this over with”

The two of you began to play, although the video had sped up until the first jumpscare.

“I think that we need to - OH MY GOD!” Dan cried out, accompanied by your loud scream. You threw the controller onto the desk and shook slightly before clinging onto Dan’s arm tightly. He too was shaking slightly but laughing more at your reaction.

“Daniel you know I fucking hate horror games. Why the fuck am I here?”

“You’re cute when you’re scared. It’s ok, you’re ok.” Dan comforted you, hugging you tightly after pausing the game, “Nothing has jumped out of the screen yet”

You gasped and moved back from Dan, slapping his arm slightly, “Why the fuck would you say that! The nightmares I am going to be having tonight”

“Come on, let's continue”

“I still hate horror anything to this day” you stated, Dan laughing as he nodded in agreement.

“Yup. Games, movies, houses. Anything remotely scary and it's automatically a no-no for you. But its ok, you have me to protect you”

“Says the man that falls off his chair every time he has a jump scare come at him”

“Woah ok, thanks Y/N”

“Day in the life of Dan and Phil!” Phil exclaimed into the camera, walking into the front room to capture Dan in the sofa crease, “What’s happening today, Danny-boy?”

Dan laughed before closing his laptop, looking towards the camera before explaining, “we are going to pick up Y/N, who I’m sure you guys have seen before and if you haven’t, just…who even are you?”

“Yeah, she and Dan have been dating for quite a while now. So, catch up guys. Sorry Dan, carry on”

“Thank you, Phil.” Dan glared, “Basically, we decided that Y/N should just move in with us because she was spending so much money constantly travelling back and forth from America to see us”

“We’re picking her up from the airport today and then grabbing some more things she needs for the apartment” Phil explained before sighing at Dan, “We have to pick her up in about an hour, why aren’t you ready?!”

“Seriously, Danny? Phil was more excited to pick me up than you were?! And I’m YOUR girlfriend”

“Yeah well…” Dan began, but you hit his arm to silence him.

“Helloooo everyone and welcome to baking with Dan and Phil!” Phil began, Dan doing something weird as usual next to him.

“YES HELLO WELCOME TO SPOOPY BAKING”

“Today,” Phil began in a fit of giggles, “we are making spooky pumpkin spiced cookies”

As the video continued in the background, you turned to face Dan, “I was so mad after this video”

“Oh my god, I remember” Dan laughed, rubbing his eyes slightly.

“They made such a mess and I had to fix it. And I wasn’t even allowed a cookie afterwards because the fat pigs had eaten them all. Doesn’t help that I was on my period at that point and super cranky. I think it was during the period I was moving in as well, so I was stressed as anything” you explained, Dan giggling softly behind you.

“What did we actually upload? Because you had a proper fit”

“Shut up you arse”

“OH OH THIS IS WHERE YOU COME HOME!” Dan exclaimed excitedly.

“Hey guys” you said, walking into the kitchen as you had come home from the meeting, “what you up to?”

“Baking with Dan and Phil” Phil said, filming Dan as he whisked together the mixture.

“You two are baking? This should be a shit-show”

“Cheers for the support, hun” Dan said over his shoulder, jumping slightly when you kissed his shoulder.

“I’m going for a shower, this place better not be burnt down by the time I get back”

“Famous last words” You scoffed, making Dan laugh as the two of you continued watching.

The video had fast forward to the point you came back from the shower, changed into jeans and one of Dan’s shirts. You stopped in your tracks when you saw the mess in the kitchen.

“What the hell have you done!” You shouted at them, looking at the state of the floor.

“We’re making cookies?” Dan shrugged his shoulders, eating icing out of the bag.

“BOYS!” You cried, taking a large breath before the clip cut to the next video.

Dan paused the video and looked at you smugly, “I had to edit out your little fit because you literally screamed at us for two minutes straight”

“Did you see the state of that kitchen? It was disgusting! You deserved it”

“Basically,” Dan explained to Benny, “She then ordered us out the kitchen, tidied everything away, finished the cookies off for us and then went to bed to edit a video. Phil and I finished the video and I gave her some chocolate”

“The way to Y/N’s heart is chocolate. Noted.” Benny replied, laughing as he urged the two of you to continue.

“Helloooo Dan and Phil karters” Phil waved at the camera, Dan making some weird noise at the side.

“Good. Dayyy” Dan dragged on, before snapping back to his usual persona he had on camera, “we are here today to celebrate the first Mario Kart session with Y/N!”

“Good morning” You rolled into frame, shuffling the wheelie chair into the middle of the boys.

“This is the first time you’ve been on the gaming channel since you moved in, Y/N. How does it feel?” Phil asked, pretending to hold a microphone up to you.

“The same as it did when I was last here”

“Yeah but you now live here”

“Biggest regret of my life. Girls, don’t move in with two boys. They smell. And if they order takeout, leave as quickly as possible or else you’re being the one who gets the joy of cleaning it all up”

“When you’re quite finished dragging us into the gutter, Y/N!!” Dan cried out, placing his hand over your mouth jokingly to stop you from going on, “God. Imagine when she beats us, Phil…we’d never hear the end of it for god’s sake”

“We just have to beat her then” Phil said, cracking his knuckles as he picked up the control to start the game.

As the clip continued, you watched and smiled, feeling Dan take your hand and stroke his thumb over your knuckles. You glanced back at him and smiled, sticking your tongue out at him before leaning into his shoulder.

“I stand by that by the way, Dan. Although I have to admit, you have been getting better at clearing up after yourselves. Phil too”

“Yeah but Phil has just become a bit of an obsessive cleaner”

“That’s very true”

“What’s up guys, its a-me, Y/N. Today we are joined by my very sweet, very lovely, very amazing boyfriend, Daniel James Howell”

“Hello everyone” Dan waved slightly, chuckling in his usual way.

’What are we going to do today, Dan?”

Dan sighed jokingly, placing his face in his hands, “The goddamn bloody ‘Boyfriend Tag’ that I swore I would never do yet here I am”

“Woah ok. If you don’t want to do this then I guess I should cancel the pizza I ordered”

“OKAY HI GUYS LETS CONTINUE ON WITH THIS”

“Seriously?!” You burst out laughing, grabbing your phone from the bedside table.

“Food - the way to my heart!”

“Not me then?”

“Nope” he smiled, giving you the famous heart eyes.

“Guess I should pack my bags and head back to America then” you huffed as you sat back down, opening Twitter to get up questions and suggestions from fans.

“Guess you should” Dan smiled before leaning over and kissing your cheek gently.

“Can we get on with the video now?” You asked, sighing as you glanced at Dan, just wanting to get the video over with so that you could chill out with the boys and relax.

“Do you want to film this tomorrow?” Dan asked, leaning his head on your shoulder while giving you heart eyes.

“Babe, it has to go up tomorrow…” you whined, continuing to scroll through the comments.

“I’ll buy you your favourite ice cream if you leave that in the video” Dan smirked, laughing as you turned back to the camera and smiled, indicating you were going to continue with the video”

“Jesus, it looks like I really do know the way to your heart huh?” Dan laughed, pausing the video to look at you.

“Sure do. Offer me food and I’m putty in your hands”

“OH! So not, you know, the years of affection I’ve given you or the fact that I let you move into MY apartment or my handsome looks or even, you know, that I LOVE YOU” he jokingly shouted, smiling at the way you laughed at him.

“No. Just the food”

“Right I’m going to press play again because clearly, you don’t love me”

“First question…when did you realise you first loved me?”

“Ew gross. Next question?”

“Ok. Just for me. I’ll edit it out the video”

Dan sighed, looking down as he felt himself turning red, “Honestly? As soon as I saw you, I knew you would mean the world to me. And you really do”

You smiled at him, leaning in towards him as he went to kiss your cheek.

“Awww you big sap” you laughed, placing your hand on Dan’s as you kept watching the video, blushing as you felt Dan copy the video and kiss your cheek.

“Totally going to leave that in there” you chuckled, Dan gasping and clutching his chest.

“But you promised!”

“You promised that I could choose what we had for dinner last night but that never happened did it?”

“Touche” Dan chuckled, watching you lovingly as you scrolled down through Twitter to find another question, “I love you”

“I know”

“Honestly, the number of comments from fans after you uploaded this video was the most we’ve ever had, including Phil” Dan added, looking towards Benny who smiled, “I was speaking the truth there though Y/N. I still mean it, even seven years down the line”

“Really?” You asked, the laptop playing in the background.

“Course. You’re everything to me”

“Can you post this on YouTube or is this too NSFW” you turned to Benny, laughing as you blushed.

“Really Y/N?!” Dan laughed loudly.

You glanced back at the laptop, watching as Dan kissed you before heading to grab his phone from the front room.

“Wait…I didn’t upload that. You kissed me, we both agreed that we wouldn’t kiss on camera…hang on. This is the full video. The unedited one…”

“Is it? Oh. You may have just uploaded the whole video by accident”

“No…no I’m sure I didn’t. Remember, I spent hours doing this edit”

“Shhh…listen” Dan nudged you,

Dan sat down in front of the camera and did a big sigh before smiling gleefully, holding his phone to his ear as he appeared to be speaking down the phone to someone.

“Hey guys!” He spoke down the phone, “Thank you so much for coming back to me…oh fantastic! We’re going to America to visit Y/N’s family for Christmas on the 15th. I would kinda like to do it on the 30th if that suits you guys?…amazing. Thank you so much for doing this…yeah, yeah, she’s going to absolutely love it…I’ll speak to you soon…bye!”

Hanging up, Dan did a little fist pump in the air as he imagined the collab video in just a months time. Just as he was going to switch the camera off, Phil walked in.

“What did they say?”

“They’re thrilled. 100% happy to do it”

“Amazing!” Phil cried, going to hug Dan.

“Seriously, I have literally never felt closer to crying of happiness since…since…oh, I don’t know. Since the birth of Dil”

“Oh wow. Dil over Y/N. Smooth dude” Phil laughed, walking back out the room to leave Dan to switch the camera off.

“Dan?” You asked him, glancing towards him in a state of confusion.

“What?”

“What was all that about?”

“I don’t know what you mean”

“Well…this isn’t exactly an edit is it? It’s-“

“SHHHH”

Dan quietly pushed the door open to your shared bedroom, the camera pointing down towards the floor. Giggling softly, he climbed onto the bed where you were asleep, placing his legs over both of you as he stood up. Angling the camera towards you as you slept, Dan began to jump on the bed.

“Happy birthday to you!”

“DANIEL!” You cried angrily as you were jolted awake.

“Happy birthday to you!”

“Dan, stop it!” You shouted, the covers falling off of the bed as Dan jumped carelessly on top of you, showing you sleeping in just Dan’s t-shirt.

“Happy birthday to Y/N” he sang out of tune, stopping jumping as he sang your name, the camera filming you squirm underneath him. He collapsed down to his knees, rolling over next to you while keeping the camera at arm's length to capture your shame.

“Happy birthday to you” he whispered in your ear, kissing your cheek gently.

“Thanks for the wake up call Danny boy” you giggled, turning towards him to kiss him passionately, his arm still outstretched to film the two of you.

As you pulled away you smiled lovingly at him, before he stuck his tongue out at you.

“We can’t upload this footage” he laughed, indicating towards the camera as he noticed your confused expression. You groaned as you realised what he was doing, moving your arms to block the lens as you tried to escape out of Dan’s grip.

The video switched quickly to another, showing a video of the two of you on your first Christmas spent together at Dan’s family’s house.

“What did you get Y/N?” Dan’s brother asked, standing up slightly to see over the lid of the box Dan had wrapped your present in.

“Patience Adrian” Dan laughed, panning the camera over to his brother and parents before pointing it back at you.

“Oh my gosh, Daniel” you gasped, instantly recognising the distance bracelets.

“I was thinking white for you and black for me because it matches my soul”

“Daniel…” his mother warned, smiling at the thought of his gift.

“Thank you so much, Dan” you jumped up to kiss him, before handing his to him.

“Its so that when you have to go back to America to see your family or for work, and I can’t come with you, you still have a little bit of me with you”

“Oh god, I’m going to throw up” Adrian faked a gag, his mother slapping him on the arm as a result.

“I love it, thank you Daniel” you smiled at the camera before it shut off, the video switching to another one.

A snapchat video was played on the screen - one that was never posted for Dan’s immaturity. Dan was filming you driving in your car, dancing slightly to the radio.

“Where we heading, Y/N?” He asked you, filming you glance towards him and see him hold his phone up towards you.

“We are heading to Ikea today to do some shopping. We need to buy a new TV stand, some new houseplants for Philly and a new bed”

Dan flipped the camera around to himself, smirking at the camera, “Because I broke it!!!”

“I wouldn’t be so smug about that mister. You’re costing me a goddamn fortune!”

“Calm down, Y/N. You sure weren’t complaining last night” he winked at the camera.

“DANIEL!” You cried out before the snap ran out of time.

“I’m so glad you didn’t post that” you laughed, wiping the tears from your cheeks, “Dan, what is this? We’ve never uploaded any of this”

“You’ll see in just a second” Dan wrapped his arm around you and pulled you to his chest, kissing your forehead and wiping a tear from your cheek before changing his attention back to the video.

The video changed to Dan filming you asleep on him on the sofa, near Christmas as the decorations were stringed up behind you. He stroked your hair gently before resting his hand on your arm.

“I just wanted to say that in moments like these, when you fall asleep on my lap and talk sometimes in your dreams, that I love you more than anything or anyone in the whole world. I would die in a heartbeat for you. I am so incredibly lucky to have found you. You are my whole world”

The second clip started playing and Dan was filming you cooking in the kitchen. He set the camera against a glass and filmed him dancing with you, the bacon in the pan burning as he twirled you and swayed with you to the songs on the radio. At one point, he tried to lift you up in the air to do the dirty dancing lift but your squirming caused the both of you to fall to the ground in heaps of laughter.

The next clip played and Dan was at the piano, filming himself playing his newest piece to send to his grandmother when you plopped down next to him, placing your head on his shoulder and listening to him play so elegantly. He was so humble about his talent and very rarely shared it online. The two of you started laughing when you placed your finger on a random key and disrupted his piece constantly.

The clips changed and Dan was now filming you on your phone in their patio garden, “You always look so beautiful and I constantly wonder how a guy like me scored such a gorgeous girl like you. We are going to have the most beautiful children...if they get all your genes anyway. God, I love the way you just make the simplest of actions the most beautiful things. I could watch you for hours…in a non-creepy way. You make me so happy. You are the reason I’m still here. You keep me going. I can’t wait to marry you one day”

The video changed once again and it was a video Phil took of the two of you when you all decided to go on holiday quite early on in your relationship. You and Dan thought he was taking photos so you kept doing different poses, some for your followers and some for yourself. Dan looked at you lovingly and held you tightly. Unknowing that Phil was filming, you kissed Dan gently with the sea in the background, smiling when his hands squeezed your waist. When you pulled away, Dan whispered the words “I love you” for the first time. You took a step back breathlessly, before jumping into Dan’s arms. You kissed him multiple times, saying “I love you” every time you pulled away. You didn’t know this video existed, but it was already one of your favourite videos of all time.

The video changed once again, to the all of you shopping. Dan filmed you and Phil as you both looked through each of the clothes on the rail in Primark. He sighed contently, “Fuck it.”

He filmed himself walking over to you and explaining he was just going to the camera store with Phil, kissing you on your temple as you were unaware he was filming. The video sped up as the boys walked out of the store, heading to the nearest Jewellers.

“You’re going to do it?” Phil asked Dan, excitement in his face as he watched Dan browse all the rings.

“Course I am. What do you think?” He asked, pointing at the rings in front of them.

“Black diamond”

“You read my mind” he smiled, walking into the store.

The video changed to the last clip, Dan set the camera against something and sat down in the chair in your parent’s house. Your father walked into frame and sat down opposite him, his arms on his legs as he looked at a nervous Dan.

“Sir, I want to just say how grateful I am that you have welcomed me into your family and life. I love Y/N with everything I have and I swear that for as long as I live, I will give her everything she needs. Basically, what I’m trying to ask is…”

“You want to marry my daughter?”

“Y-yes, sir. With all my love in the world, I want to give her the life she deserves. I want her to be my wife. Forever” he began to laugh, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“I thought you would never ask! Of course, Daniel!” Your father jumped from his seat to embrace Dan, laughing happily with him before shouting to your mother in the next room, “DANIEL IS GOING TO MARRY Y/N! WE ARE GOING TO BE DANIEL’S IN-LAWS!”

You hiccuped, your eyes and nose streaming as your eyes were fixed on the screen. You watched the video of your father jumping up and down with Dan fade to black, laughing at your father’s immaturity. You wiped your eyes with your sleeve when you notice that Rafi has joined Benny behind the main camera, holding another camera down towards the floor. You followed his line of sight and gasped when you realised that Dan had moved from his chair and was now kneeling down next to you, a black box in his hands revealing a silver band with a square black diamond. You cried loudly as Dan took his own deep breath, starting to say the words, “Will you -“

“Shut up. Shut up. You know it's a yes you idiot! Yes! Oh my god, yes!” You jumped off of your seat and into Dan’s arms, making the both of you fall to the floor in a laughing but sobbing mess. You heard Dan cry into your shoulder, muttering “thank you thank you thank you” over and over as he tried to push you away to put the ring on your finger.

“Oh, Daniel…Dan, its so beautiful thank you so much”

You heard a large round of applause and cheers from behind the camera, as all of Benny and Rafi’s employees and other reactors had snuck in to watch Dan propose.

You and Dan climbed back into your chairs, very embarrassed as you had fallen onto the floor in a complete scene of PDA.

Benny laughed, still clapping along with the rest of the crowd behind him.

“So guys!” He began, “You two are engaged!”

“Yes!” You cried, holding your hand up and wriggling your fingers to show your new engagement ring, looking at the red, puffy-eyed Dan holding your other hand and smiling widely.

“Congratulations you two, how do you feel?”

“I feel like I’m on cloud nine right now. Every dream of mine is finally coming true” you answered, still sniffling.

“Best day of my life so far” Dan smiled, kissing your cheek.

“Well, we expect you here next time to react to your wedding! And then your first child. And every relationship goals video ever” Rafi added, making the two of you laugh.

“Of course” you nodded, still looking at your new ring.

“We’re just going to wrap up the video now - if that's ok with you guys” Benny explained, yourself and Dan nodding.

“Like this video and subscribe to the Fine Bros” Dan explained, pointing down to the floor as an indication for the description box.

“Thank you so much for watching and we’ll see you again next time! I’m engaged!!” You shouted, moving your hand towards the camera as everyone laughed.

Dan moved to hold your free hand and kiss your temple before you both looked towards the camera, waving your hands, “BYE!!!”

#dan #dan howell #dan howell imagine #dan howell x reader #dan x reader #danisnotonfire #danisnotinteresting #danisnotonfire x reader #danandphilgames #danandphil imagine #dan and phil #Phil lester #Phil lester x reader #phil lester imagine #phil lester x reader

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heartshownarchived · 6 years

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* It’s literally three am and I am feeling really sappy right now so I threw together this dumb graphic just so I can gush about just a few people that have made an impact on me okay? Please don’t feel upset if you’re not on this list, it is very late and I am very tired and I can’t @ everyone because then it would be a list that was a mile long.

So regardless, you are all freaking amazing and I am so glad that you’re here. I am wishing you a happy holidays and I hope that 2019 is a kick ass year for you.

@miserybled: Starting off with Catie because she’s become a staple in my life. I am just so gosh darn thankful for her ??? Like I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to have her be a part of my life. She is uplifting and encouraging and so freaking kind like wowie. But on top of all that, she is so creative and so talented. Literally don’t know how I managed without her for as long as I did.

@stillcominback: Laurellllllllll. I don’t know what I would do without her. We go through lulls where I am crap at communicating because being a mom, running a business all while having ridiculous anxiety is definitely not easy but we slide back into normal routines so easily and like I am just super thankful to have you as my friend and I miss you and we need to get together irl soon okay?

@temprflare: I don’t even know where to start with you Korinne. I guess I’ll start by saying your writing skills are freaking insane. I literally read everything you post because you are so good. And you’re literally one of the nicest people and I am just super glad that you’re a part of my life and that I get to be one of the lucky people that gets to call you their friend. #blessed

@gutspilt: Goodness gracious, I have known Harmony for literally what feels like forever and she is such a freaking good ??? Like unbelievably talented writer who can write characters that are so vastly different and just writes them all so freaking beautifully. On top of that she’s such a bright soul ??? Like ray of sunshine that is there to make your world a little brighter and I adore her.

@thinkscalm: Freaking Hannah, super glad Catie basically was the driving force that got us to talk because you’re basically like my soul sister. You are so freaking nice and funny and I love your creative mind. You are a fantastic writer and I am very thankful to have “met” you.

@pastbuilt: Rueeeee, freaking sweetheart. You are one of the people I go to when I’m feeling down because you are so freaking helpful and you go out of your way to take the time to just make people feel good. Your portrayal is so freaking amazing and I love love love love love getting to write with you. Please stay in my life forever okay?

@maidiin: My fellow mama Skye. Your friendship means so much to me because, as you know, being a mom and a stay at home one can be really isolating and I found a kindred spirit with you. You always understand where I’m coming from and I absolutely love our venting sessions and honestly just all of the conversations we have together. You are so freaking talented and I’m so glad that I get to write with you and call you my friend.

@hefights: I know we don’t like constantly talk but you are a staple on my dash. You always have such kind things to say and not even just to me but to literally everyone. You have such a crazy passion for all of the characters you write and that passion is so contagious. Thanks for being you Seph!

@withvigor: Jess. <3 I know we go through weird times where we don’t talk a whole lot but you are very important to me and I wanted to tell you that. You are very talented and super kind and you make me laugh. I adore you to pieces okay?

@lostwcnderland: Ollie I’m only gonna tag one of your blogs but literally I adore all of them to pieces. You are one of the kindest people I know. You randomly check in on me and I love whenever I get a notification that you liked one of my photos on Instagram. You are so freaking skilled at writing literally every single character you have, I’m convinced you could write a plastic bag and I would be in love with your portrayal. I ADORE YOU!

@sunleft: Myka I am so freaking glad that you and I are both back at the same time because TWD fandom literally isn’t the same for me without you. You are such a wonderful person and you are ridiculously talented on the writer front and I am just really glad you’re back!

@genetictraitor: First off Maggie, freaking congratulations on the job! I am so proud of you! And am crazy stoked for you because I know you worked your butt off for that promotion. You are such a sweet person who has put up with countless conversations with me screaming about one thing or another that we were writing and never thought my crazy enthusiasm was off putting. You’re a wonderful friend and a super talented writer and I adore you.

And before I write a literal novel of my love and affection, here are a few other people I literally cannot go without. // @judiithgriimes, @coltled, @firstwifc, @shrffgrimes, @hehclps, @wonknot, @shefuturae, @bitewest, @barmaidsung, @tophct, @lucygrms, @tetheredatlas, @beatcn, @temperline, @horrorempathy, @takenpeace, @shefiights, @sythegun, @geneticassassin, @arosaed, @ofsalvo, @wilanli, @quaevivit, @hiddensteel, @fedlies, @gatekeepcr, @flahmngo, @keepliviing, @sheresists, @sytheheart, @livedproud, @carriedatlas, @mediuming, @ichorimbrued, @hellhaths, @trydios, @battingbeauty, @tyhlr, @dokkstjarna, @leftlimp, @fighteir, @localghst, @manhnt, @dievours, @daryldix0n, @survivis, @compassonate, @vicebuilt, @belicosoe, @crazeheir, @lumenae, @screwcool, @supplyboy, @chitaquas, @brutalwarmth, @outloyal, @tcughguy, @mizereh, @cluelesstm, @frommagick, @selfcentred, @subcubare, @immunety, @wavetouched, @lastmorales, @onnslaught, @hoppaer, @morhgan, @micetm, @ocylus, @withalisp, @witchtwin, @legionlead, @giantichor & more I’m sure but I’m exhausted.

#❝ —— main / ooc.#❝ —— main / promo.

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arteacactus · 6 years

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Another Unoriginal Appreciation Post

Firstly, @underagecatnip , for being my best friend of five years and putting up with all my shit in those years. You've helped developed me as a person and for that I'm eternally grateful.

@an-anxious-acquaintance , both thank you and I'm sorry that you're the first relationship I've ever been in, haha. Sorry for the awkwardness, but thank you for helping me figure it all out. You're an amazing friend and datemate and I'm very very happy that you don't hate my guts for thirsting over other people lol

@fandergecko ,my very artistic and talented friend that I don't talk to often but I cherish just the same. Thank you! You're the reason why I'm doing the stuff I do. If it weren't for you and your mermaid au, I would have NEVER continued drawing people; I would have given up, and I wouldn't have been able to accomplish the things I have. Thank you for the encouragement and the love.

@ebony-wolf one of my friends that I don't really know a lot of, but I know one thing for sure, and it's that you're so, so amazing. You're so sweet and kind, and that in itself has helped me so much, self esteem wise. You've really done a lot in helping me remember my worth.

@allimeraine the Mom Friend™, thank you sm. You improve my mental health with every word you say, damn near lol. Your compliments help with my self esteem as well. Your advice lets me see another side to some things, such as my feelings, from an outsiders view, and it's incredibly helpful, and I can't thank you enough.

@skaiaabelleth @nightsofdragondreams and @littlehumansthings , I don't talk to you guys a lot, and I apologize for being weirdly socially anxious lol, but thank you for being there anyway; I really couldn't imagine myself without y'all.

@iamvegorott thank you a whole bunch for creating your server and allowing me to meet and make friends, and thank you for your writing! If it weren't for the fics you wrote, I wouldn't have found you, and become friends with you. You're such a talented, wonderful writer, and I'm so glad I found your content. I don't know why, but I can absolutely picture you becoming a published author some day.

@lum1natrix @markired , I don't really talk to you, but your gifs are always such a lovely thing to see on my dash, and I appreciate you so much for bringing that liveliness to my Tumblr feed! Thank you!

@huffletrax @turquoisemagpie @piligy @spacejellybeans @van-arts @luci-morningstar812 and way more artists I can't remember the URLs of- thank you for making art! I see art on my dashboard constantly, and it always brings a smile to my face! You bring life to these characters by drawing them and you have helped me personally with your art just by inspiring me to get off my lazy ass and draw something. Thank you!

@fear-is-nameless - I see theories made by/reblogged by you all the time, and I thank you for that! You've helped me put my brain to use and astonishingly, your theories have even helped me with my school, because you kick my brain into gear all the time. Thank you!

@wiishu thank you for your videos AND your art. I love watching your videos when I need to relax, and they're perfect to have on in the background when I read or draw, and your art is beautiful and inspires me every time I see it. Thank you 🖤

@pixlpit and @crankgameplays - two people who I don't watch nearly enough of! Thank you for giving me laughs and providing your amazing videos. You're always who I go to when I need something to giggle about.

@markiplier and @therealjacksepticeye , thank you both for filling my life with laughter and tears. Inspiring me and helping lift me up when I'm beaten and broken on the ground. I'll always be grateful to you both for not only being a source of light in my life, but for also letting me into your communities, and helping me make friends and learn about myself.

And lastly, thank you to everyone reading this! Whether you're a follower or friend of mine, or you have no idea who I am and just stumbled upon this post in the tags; thank you! You fill all the tags with your own type of content, and supporting others'. Original posts, or even likes, reblogs, replies; you make these communities what they are, and I'll always, always be grateful to you all for it.

Sappy time over! Time to kick 2019 in the ass.

#vanna talks #jacksepticeye #markiplier #happy new year #wiishu #pixlpit #friend appreciation #crankgameplays #jse #markiplier tag 2 #long post

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paene-umbra · 6 years

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i accidentally deleted the anon for this and i have no idea how to get it back BUT somebody asked me to answer all the questions on the ask meme

END OF THE YEAR ASKS FOR 2018:

(disclaimer: this is going to be so sappy and emotional because I did so many amazing things this past year that I am so incredibly proud of and there will definitely be too much information shared but I don’t care! I can do what I want!)

1. what is one thing you’re very proud of having done this year?

- in 2018 I am proud of cutting my father mostly out of my life. he was the source of so much pain and anxiety and trauma and cutting him out has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and kickstarted my healing.

2. what is one thing you feel you could have done better?

- I could have done better dealing with friendships. I was so incredibly stressed out for a long time and I let my frustration bleed into my relationship to the point where being around friends and groups was too emotionally draining. I dropped a lot of friends that deserved better and in 2019 I plan on rekindling relationships and giving my friends as much love as they deserve.

3. what do you hope to do better next year?

- since it is already 2019 (whoops) I have a lot of resolutions that I am planning on implementing this year. I am going to put in more effort towards maintaining my mental health while also balancing my classes, work, and friends. I want to get close again to the people I used to be close to.

4. what was something scary you faced and overcame this year?

- in 2018 I started to address a lot of the problems that were contributing to my poor mental health. I began really looking into why I was so afraid of real emotional connection with other people and trying to understand the blockages that were holding me back from being the best version of myself. for the very first time I was able to confront the fact that I have forcing myself to suffer in silence for the sake of my appearance and reputation. for the longest time, I could not stand the possibility of anyone knowing that I was hurting so much because that would have meant admitting that I was being hurt by people who loved me, so I prioritized the way that they felt instead of myself. I tried so hard to pretend that I was stable and well-adjusted because it was easier than confronting the way I let people treat me and all of the hard work that I would have to do to try to heal from my pain. I always thought I had to hide the bad parts of me to be the perfect daughter but hiding something like mental illness doesn’t make the pain magically go away. I’m not a lesser person for being mentally ill. I deserve to be happy and to get the help that I need, and it is not my job anymore to coddle the feelings of the people who hurt me. it was terrifying to admit that I was completely broken for so many years, but I am endlessly proud of finally being able to acknowledge that and start putting myself back together.

5. what did you think would be scary and then was not?

- I thought that speaking in front of crowds was terrifying in theory but after actually having to do it several times for my job, I realized that I have important things to educate people about and that speaking in large groups is the best way to teach them, so being afraid does not help my cause.

6. do you feel like you grew in some way this year? why?

- hell yeah I grew in 2018. I grew enough to be able to put myself before others, to not be afraid of rejection, to push for better treatment, to drop those who hold me back or don’t deserve me, etc…

7. are there people you credit with this growth? who?

- yes, I think that some people helped me to grow. first, I think all the people who hurt me are deserving of the credit towards me developing the strength I needed to drop their negative asses. I also need to give SO MUCH CREDIT to my wonderful boyfriend for showing me what a real man is like and forcing me to deal with everything head-on instead of letting life steamroll me. he is miles ahead of me when it comes to self care but he supports the little steps that I am able to take and he is responsible for so much because of how he lifts me up and encourages me to put in the work. he believes in me and knows that I can and will be better and he has been willing to stay with me as I deal with my issues.

8. what is one piece of advice you’d give other people?

- I think I would tell people that giving up doesn’t fix anything. nothing is solved by letting life overtake you. pushing through when you’re barely keeping your head above water is the hardest thing that you can do. it does not always pay off immediately and sometimes it feels so pointless to keep swimming when it looks like there is water for miles and miles and miles but there is always eventually going to be land. you just have to find it, and I know you can.

9. what was the nicest thing someone did for you?

- his one is hard because my memory is not the best. I can’t think of anything specific but I’m sure that lots of people did lots of nice things for me.

10. who inspires you? why?

- my little inspires me. from the moment she joined my sorority I knew she was special, and as I got to know her and fall in love with her personality, I got so impressed with her and where she is in life in spite of all that has happened to her.

11. what are your main sources of inspiration? why?

- my inspiration mostly comes from people and hearing about the incredible things that some humans have done. hearing about the strength of other people makes me want to be strong.

12. what inspires you more: words, pictures, or music?

- music, for sure. there are so many amazing songs that spark my interest and provoke my thoughts.

13. what scares you, creatively?

- I am not really very creative at all. I think what stopped me from being creative is my fear of rejection. I was so terrified that people would hate me for what I wrote or drew or said that I kept it all to myself and let my creativity die out. maybe someday I will work on rekindling the creative ability, but it is not at the top of my list.

14. what did you enjoy working on most this year?

- my fish! owning bettas gave me something to look forward to doing and gave me an outlet to direct my focus and frustration through. any time I was having a hard day I knew I could look at my lil fishy boys and put my restlessness into caring for them and making sure that they were doing really well.

15. what did you have the most fun doing?

- the most fun I had in 2018 year probably came from being able to live with my roommate/soulmate again this semester. we have had our ups and downs but I love her so much and she is my other half, definitely. she brings out a whole new side of me that lets me be silly and goofy and myself around her.

16. what did you have the least fun doing?

- the least amount of fun in 2018 most likely came from the introspection that I had to do to contribute to my self-care. I did not enjoy the work it took, but I am pleased with the outcome of recognizing what needs to be changed and actually getting to make myself better and happier.

17. what is the best compliment you’ve gotten? why?

- I was recently told “your confidence, happiness, and strength has always inspired me! you’re an incredible human and I’m so thankful to be able to know you” and that was so incredible to hear because I don’t often think about the impact that I have on other people. I never thought I was important enough to influence another person’s life, let alone contribute to making it better in any way. I think it is really nice to know that even when I am struggling, I have the ability to positively impact others.

18. what is the best compliment anyone could ever give you?

- the best compliment would probably be something about how they have seen me grow throughout my years and continuously improve. I am not the best at keeping friends for more than a couple years at a time, so I don’t know if I will ever hear that one.

19. what do you wish people commented on more?

- about me??? I don’t know. I don’t really like other people talking about me lmao but I guess I like hearing people’s first impressions of me and how they differ from how I actually am. those are always fun to learn about.

20. what do you feel is the most underrated thing you have done? why?

- during my high school years, I played therapist A LOT to so many people. I put so much emotional labor into listening to other people and helping them figure out problems or just giving them a shoulder to cry on. rarely was this ever returned by those people, so I felt really used a lot of the time but honestly if I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing because I want to help people feel better.

21. name (and reblog) at least three things you’ve made this year that you’re proudest of.

- sorry, this one isn’t applicable to me. I don’t really make things or post them to tumblr.

22. what are your goals for next year?

- I plan to stop telling people things that aren’t any of their business. I spent a lot of time keeping everything to myself and when I finally started getting friends I felt like I had to tell them everything about me and my life to keep them interested, but that isn’t true. I need to learn how to keep some things private when they need to be.

I want to rekindle a lot of friendships that I messed up in 2018. I let a lot of people fade out of my life when I should not have.

I want to go to THERAPY!! I want to talk to professionals who can help me structure my path of healing!!!

I want to get more comfortable with the body I’m in. that means wearing less makeup, using fewer snapchat filters and other photo editing techniques, and judging myself less when I wear clothes that maybe aren’t the most flattering. it is okay to be ugly and I am not worth less for not being attractive. I want to stretch more and maybe get into a routine of exercising every now and then to feel better instead of to lose weight. I want to eat healthier and drink more water for my health instead of for the purpose of becoming skinny.

I want to make an effort to be more outgoing and get more involved in my sorority and with my Greek life.

23. name three things you like about yourself – and name one think you like about the person you reblogged this from.

I like my irises! my brown eyes are beautiful and unique no matter what anyone says. My eyes have rings like trees and uneven colors throughout. they are beautiful! I like how soft my hair is and I also like the shape of my lips.

something I like about the person I reblogged this ask from, @makingoutisgreat, is how strong and confident she seems. she is beautiful and she knows it and is not afraid to show it off. it is very inspiring.

#ask meme #long post #personal #laney rants #ask and ye shall recieve

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