#that being said I can barely focus on doing much of anything rn my mental health is so bad

[meltedhorror]

thinking when I'm (hopefully) less depressed in the future maybe I should do a challenge to myself to make short one week time limit storyboards and animatics for a month

Would be a good way to build up my portfolio at least, since it's pretty barebones right now

Could be completely original projects or based on other audio I've found, could be minute long or just a few seconds

And if I finish earlier than the week deadline I can just reset the deadline earlier for the next project, so I can have more projects than there are weeks in a month

idk just would be a fun little project I think

[smolcinnamonchipmunk]

I like the both the prompts “Hey, can I- Can I eat you? I, uh, you’d just- feel really good in there, I think, and um… Jeez, I’m sorry, you just look so tasty…” and “Your stomach can wait its dang turn.” !

(Finally able to make something for this request from a while ago! I feel so rusty at writing rn, Jesus. Glossed over the early on bickering because I didn’t feel like writing a lot of dialogue and just wanted to get into it. Honestly, trying to write the argument was delaying me for a few days before I scrapped it ;-;

But, here it is! I hope it’s up to snuff despite taking a couple weeks and being shorter than most with another rushed end. I hope to have the beach episode done by the end of Saturday, but we’ll see. :P) TW/CW: Soft, safe, NONSEXUAL, m/nb g/t oral vore; kind of foodplay?? (It’s crepe filling, so not exactly food) Count: 2426 “Hey, can I- Can I eat you? I, uh, you’d just- feel really good in there, I think, and um… Jeez, I’m sorry, you just look so tasty…” I paused what I was doing, tapping the whisk I was using against the side of the bowl so that it wouldn’t drip as I turned around to face the ginger demon that was practically drooling on my shoulder. “Beel. Honey,” I said in the tone of mild sweetness over barely restrained irritation as I looked up into his eyes. Which were a bit too glazed over and focused on me for my liking. Simultaneously reaching across the pact to magically give him a tug and lifting my empty hand up to snap and catch his attention both ways, his eyes blinked into focus and I took the opportunity to say, “I’m busy making dinner and dessert right now, and not only will the others not appreciate you eating me in the middle of doing so, I’m also hungry and tired and REALLY want my fucking strawberry crepes. So, your stomach can wait it's damn turn until after dinner, capeesh?” “But, Kaaaat,” Beel’s eyes widened as he begged, reminiscent of a dog begging for a treat.

But, I was too used to this and gave him an unimpressed look, gesturing to the kitchen with the whisk and commanding, “Go sit down and WAIT, Beel.” He whined but reluctantly walked out of the kitchen with the help of some nudging from the pact. I sighed to settle my irritation at being interrupted and turned around to continue cooking dinner. ………………. Dinner was, thankfully, uneventful in the way of arguments between the brothers. Not because they didn’t have anything to argue about, but more because I feel like they could sense my rising irritation anytime voices started raising, mentally tightening the hold on the pacts with the brothers in preparation. Today was just not a day that I had the patience for much bickering. Of course, bickering was inevitable when I got up to put my dishes in the sink and Beel kindly tried to remind me about my ‘promise’. And by remind, I mean a whine that made me sigh with the knowledge of the inevitable onslaught of argument from the other brothers about eating me.

“That’s not fair! I haven’t been able to eat Kat in over a week,” Levi complained, like the Avatar of Envy he was. I groaned and rubbed my temple with my free hand, breathing in and counting like Barbatos and Simeon had suggested. Apparently I could rival Satan on my bad days with my moods. I decided to leave the brothers to fight, knowing that any damages would be something for THEM to deal with, not me. As I walked to the sink and placed my dishes in, I tried to avoid a loud clatter. Humming in mild smugness at the ‘Whoever cooks doesn’t clean’ policy, I walked up to the fridge and took out the small tupperware of crepe cream and strawberries I’d set aside for myself. There were more extras, but this one was for me before Beel could get to the leftovers. Popping over the two little tupperware containers, I got a clean fork and stabbed a strawberry, dipping it in the creme and eating it. “Kat?” I made a noise of curious acknowledgement, looking towards the kitchen entrance with fork still in my mouth, seeing Beel walk in. Knowing exactly what he wanted, I made a disgruntled noise at probably not being able to finish my strawberries and pulled the fork out, saying, “Hey, Beel.” “Can I eat you now,” he asked, placing his own dishes in the sink. Like usual, there were several plates and utensils. “Can I finish my strawberries,” I replied, frowning a bit at his tower of dinnerware. “And you just ate. You know I don’t like being in any of you when there’s food.” The demon let out a whine and placed a hand over his stomach. He looked so dejected that I couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for his ever-present hunger. Everyone did say that I gave into the brothers' whims a bit too easily a lot. “Okaaay. Mira.” With a grumpy growl, I cleared my throat from the sticky sweetness of my treat and leaned on the counter. Once Beel gave me his attention, I added, “We can watch a movie or something so that I can finish my strawberries and your stomach can empty, and you can eat me for tonight.” “Really?” Beel’s eyes lit up as he looked at me, able to see drool at the corners of his mouth. “Yes, really. But no going for a run in the morning with me inside,” I grimaced at the thought, very much not wanting to be woken up by being violently jostled. “When you wake up, let me out so I can shower and pass back out.” “Of course,” the demon nodded seriously, taking the instruction seriously since I can, and have, used the pact to make him stop his morning runs while eaten. “Alright then, let’s go.” I closed and grabbed my two tupperware containers and followed Beel to his room. There was still a bit of arguing from the dining room, but I’m pretty sure it’d been long enough that the topic had changed from who should probably get to eat me next. Just the usual brotherly bickering of raised voices and name calling probably. Belphie wasn’t in the room when Beel and I entered, either still in the argument with his brothers or gone to catnap somewhere, so I didn’t hesitate to flop down on the purple comforter while Beel started up the TV. “Do you have any movie in mind?” He asked, catching my attention. I shook my head, sitting up and carefully setting my small tupperware aside to look at the ginger demon. Humming a bit, I said, “You can pick whatever you want. Wasn’t there some movie that came out that you wanted to watch?”

“Oh yeah. That new horror movie that came out. Are you sure though? I thought you didn’t like horror movies.”

“I mean, not really, but I’m probably not even watching the whole thing,” I replied, feeling like we’d probably get into about thirty minutes max before he ate me. “I’m just here to chill and eat my strawberries before you eat me.”

“Fair,” Beel’s eyes glossed over a bit at the thought and he shook himself from his fantasizing to look at the movies on the shelf. After a couple seconds of searching, he pulled out the movie he wanted and put it in, patting his bed once he sat down.

I moved over from Belphie’s bed to his to sit in front of him while we started watching the movie. Sitting cross legged in front of him, I carefully ate my strawberries and creme while he rested his head on top of mine, arms loosely wrapped around my middle.

The movie was something about people in mirrors being able to kill their real life counterparts, at least from the looks of the first few minutes. Then it moved onto some family who would probably inevitably have to face their mirror selves and likely not die because they were the main characters, and no movie I’d seen had the balls to kill off children on screen. That one side chick was totally going to die somehow though, I could feel it.

I didn’t get to see it though because once my strawberries were all gone and we’d watched maybe twenty minutes of the movie, Beel’s stomach loudly growled behind me, causing me to jolt. I’d honestly gotten too absorbed in the movie to remember why we were watching it in the first place.

“Can I eat you now, Kat?” Beel whined, arms tightening around my abdomen as he sort of hugged me to himself like a living teddy bear to try and ignore the hunger pangs.

“Tch, yeah, you can eat me,” I snorted in amusement, reaching up to pat him. I was still a bit annoyed, but felt a lot better than when he’d interrupted me while cooking. Besides, I couldn’t help but feel a bit endeared as I felt him lean into my hand.

“Can I use the crepe stuff?”

“Ehhh,” I glanced at the currently closed tupperware, not really feeling like being drizzled in the stuff. But, I was going to end up soaked by saliva and eaten anyways, so I supposed it didn’t really matter. “Fine. Just try not to make a mess everywhere.”

“Thanks, Kat,” the demon purred, something that rumbled in his chest and I could feel it against my back as he hugged me closer briefly. Without any hesitation, he began to recite the protection and shrinking spells, causing me to shudder at the feeling of magic coursing through me.

A familiar sense of vertigo washed over me and I tried to shake it off on instinct as I was quickly shrunk down to half a foot tall on the bed, finding myself carefully scooped up by Beel.

“You doing alright?” he asked on routine, though he was already licking his lips in anticipation. Still, he was restrained enough to allow me a response.

“Yeah, I’m good. You’re set to go ahead.” I nodded up at him, still finding myself easily overwhelmed by the brothers size when I shrunk. I wasn’t scared like I used to be, but there was still something daunting going from normal size to almost handheld in mere moments, and I could never quite get used to it.

Being given permission to continue, Beel looked as excited as a Golden Retriever that found a treat, replying, “Let me know if I hurt you or anything.”

“Will do.”

Beel excitedly glanced down at the two tupperware containers and obviously thought about how to utilize the crepe cream without spilling it all over his sheets. He decided to place me down while popping both plasticware open and then scooped me up to deposit me in the container that had had the strawberries.

“Ugh, I’m already looking forward to a shower,” I grumbled at feeling the residual strawberry juice soak into my shoes and socks with the knowledge that I was only about to get stickier.

“Sorry, Kat.” Beel apologized as he picked up the crepe filling container, pausing as he glanced at it, warring with his guilt and innate desire to use it.

“It’s fine,” I waved off his apology, adding, “I already said it was okay, and I’d be showering afterwards anyways.”

He hesitated only a second before nodding and starting to tip the other container above me.

I braced myself as much as I could for it, tensing and unable to keep my mind from going to the comparison of one of those slime dump videos from the Human Realm. But, I still wasn’t prepared for the chilled sensation as it was drizzled on top of me, making me yelp in surprise. After a few seconds, the entire container had been dumped on me and I was left raising my arms with a grimace, covered in crepe filling that dripped off my arms and body.

“You ready, Kat,” Beel asked, carefully plucking me out of the tupperware, three fingers to my back and thumb against my chest.

“Ready as usual. And the more we wait, the stickier I’ll be,” I stuck my tongue out in distaste, feeling like I could already feel the sugary liquid drying on my skin and clothes. But, maybe that was just my immense dislike for anything sticky against me.

“I’ll be quick.” Beel purred, licking his lips again before raising me up to his mouth.

I made a small noise as he licked my front from chest up, his tongue taking a good chunk of the crepe filling with it and replacing it with warm saliva that contrasted the still kind of chilled cream.

“Mmm, you taste really good,” the demon said. Despite him saying similar stuff everytime, my face still heated a bit with embarrassment, still unsure how to feel about the ‘compliments’.

“Yeah, yeah,” I grumbled, trying to ignore the redness at the tips of my ears.

Thankfully, Beel never really cared about whether or not I got flustered, so he didn’t tease as he opened his jaws and shoved my upper body into his mouth.

Carefully clamping his teeth around my middle, everything around me rumbled from his purring. He didn’t waste any time as he immediately started tasting me, sucking and licking the crepe filling off of me. The eager tasting probably only lasted seconds, but I was still left gasping for air when he paused to swallow the excess saliva that had pooled in his mouth, using my arms to press away from his tongue and try to allow me more breathing room.

Gluttonous as he was, the reprieve was brief and I found his teeth splitting apart slightly to shove more of me inside.

“Beel!” I couldn’t help but exclaim a bit as I was quickly forced further into his jaws, my arms slipping over the precipice at the back of his tongue. A loud swallow made my ears pop, drawing me into his throat. Several greedy swallows followed, each as noisy as the last.

It was obviously pretty constrictive in his throat, but it definitely had more give than his brothers, something I was thankful for with his habit of eating me at larger sizes than the others. I could feel him place a hand against me from the outside of his throat as I was worked down past his collarbone, where he sighed in satisfaction and purred even louder, rattling me to my bones.

I could feel him hunch a bit forward as I slipped past his heart and lungs into his stomach, knowing that he was doing his best to feel me even more.

“Are you okay, Kat?” Beel asked, voice laced with satisfied bliss at having his hunger sated.

“Yup, fine,” I called back up, pushing myself to a sitting position. I shook off the small daze that naturally came with being eaten, let alone eaten upside-down. Huffing a bit from the trip down, I stretched and asked, “You feeling better.”

“Always, with you inside,” the demon purred.

“Well, I’m glad to help your hunger pangs, but don’t forget to let me out in the morning before your run,” I yawned, already not looking forward to being woken so early.

“I won’t.”

[nyx-umbrakinesis]

This is an A/N post, why my writing is delayed currently, CW: health issues, (heart), mental health, mentions of trauma.

I am trying to write, most of you don't know but amongst my health issues I've recently been having heart problems, and when I get an attack it literally feels like I'm having a heart attack, I had one such attack late last night and early this morning (as well as last week which means the frequency is increasing) and I had to medicate myself as when I go to the hospital they do nothing (also I can't sit in A and E in agony for hours on end to receive no help and be sent home again, and I'm too anxious once the pain is gone to call the GP the next day to try to find out why I keep having these attacks as I always get treated poorly at the doctor's and I don't have an advocate🥺) but the meds I took, they make me so drowsy so I can barely focus for more than five seconds intervals right now before my eyes keep closing, often times it's either my health or mental health that slows down my ability to release content quickly, but I am trying guys, life permitting I really am and I haven't forgotten about you all.

I just feel guilty that this week has been a rather bad one for me (I have alot of trauma based around my birthday too which was last Friday and the days surrounding it so my mental health also spiralled and caused a burn out over the weekend, plus I had alot of socialising with people I'm not comfortable around who aren't always very nice to me which was another thing that set off the burn out as it was for several days I had to be around them...

Sorry if I'm rambling or being too erratic I can hardly focus for more than five seconds at a time as I've said earlier, so writing this is difficult, but I want you all to know, I haven't abandoned my works, I will still be doing them, I'm just experiencing a lot of issues simultaneously rn...

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and enjoy my work, I can't believe how many people have liked my stuff so far, especially as a new writer I feel so humbled at how many of you have left me notes, I honestly never thought I'd be any good but I've been blown away and emotional about all the love I've received for my little one shots and even the little quips I occasionally post and I just wanted to say I love you all so much.

(please excuse grammar, spelling and punctuation issues in this post as I've said I'm not with it from the prescribed tablets I had to take to stop the pain).

(If anyone wants to send me anything to brighten my day I'd really love that 💜💜💜, it can be anything, art, a meme, a short message, a short story, even an ask, on here or on my main blog (@nyx91 where you can see a pic of me if you wonder what I look like and there's posts on there too more personal where you can get to know me better if you're interested in me as a person and not just my content 💜 if you're not that's fine too 💜💜) even a message to get to know you or me better, I'm just feeling rather mushy and vulnerable so no doubt when I'm back in the right mindset I'll completely cringe at this post lol. 💜💜💜💜)

Anyway thank you for listening to me ramble, if you got this far because it's not actual content thank you that means so much to me. 💜💜💜

[arizona2004]

Hey can you please do a azriel x reader where the reader is struggling with bad mental health (maybe an Ed) because I’m struggling myself rn and alsao there’s not enough of them :). I can totally understand if you didn’t feel comfortable doing it

Okay, here it is. Everyone responds to their eating disorders differently, especially depending on the ED and severity of it. I hope this has what you’re looking for, though.

Azriel x reader

Word count: 1499

Warnings: Eating Disorders! The reader struggles with an ED and some depression and anxiety and a little OCD. Please don’t read if you think reading the unhealthy thoughts of someone with an eating disorder may cause you to relapse. It is not healthy to think about food and eating in this manner. Love you all. Don’t forget to eat something and drink some water.

Waking up, I immediately don’t want to get out of bed. I pull the covers over my head, keep my eyes closed, and scrunch my legs up to my chest. When I wake up again, it’s only a little later in the morning. I still don’t want to pull myself out of bed, but I can’t fall back asleep. So I just lay there. Turning to Azriel’s side of the bed, I notice he’s not there. Well, of course not; he’s already left for work. I stare at the spot he usually occupies before finally sitting up and checking the clock. It’s 10 am.

Standing, I wrap my robe around myself and walk out of the room, refusing to look in the mirror. I practice breathing evenly and focus on my routine. I need to eat breakfast. I spend nearly 20 minutes in the kitchen, moving around, deciding what to eat. I’m opening cabinets and closing them, finding nothing satisfactory. Eventually, I decide to make some bacon. The stove is on, and bacon is sizzling. The scent of bacon is wafting toward me, and I feel like being sick. I can’t eat bacon; it’s greasy and fatty. Toast, I think, I’ll make toast. So I put the bread in the toaster and let it cook. It’s only when the toast is cooked that I start thinking about the carbs that go into it. I haven’t been exercising enough recently. I shouldn’t eat so many carbs. I throw the toast out with the bacon and decide to make scrambled eggs instead. Whisking the eggs and milk together, I turn on the stove, letting the skillet heat and butter melt on it. When I turn, bowl in hand, ready to pour it into the skillet, it slips from my hand, spilling all over the floor. Anger and frustration wash over me; I guess I just shouldn’t eat this morning.

After cleaning the mess: doing the dishes that littered the sink and picking up the mess of eggs on the floor, I walk back up to my room. My head is pounding, and everything feels like it's crashing in on me. My heart is racing, and I just want to scream. My mind keeps flashing back to last night. We went out to Ritas, and it was supposed to be fun. But I just had to ruin things for myself. I barely ate. I stopped drinking early into the night. I wish I could have forgone the entire night. I wish Mor wasn’t so perfect. She has curves in all the right places and not a single flaw; I hate her for it, I think. Passing the floor-length mirror in my bedroom, I stop to look at myself. It’s been so long since I’ve looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. Why can't I have a body like Mor or Feyre or Amren?

I sit on the floor, just picking apart all the pieces of myself I hate. Thinking about all the insulting things people have said to me. Tears are streaming out of my eyes until I can’t even see my reflection. I’m clutching my chest as I struggle for air through my sobs. Why? Why? Why?

It’s an hour later, and I’m just lying on the floor of my bedroom, staring at the ceiling. I pushed my earlier hunger away, so I can’t feel it anymore. I wish I couldn’t feel any of it. The tears on my face have dried, and I’m breathing normally again when a small piece of folded paper falls next to me.

The Note reads: Meet me at my office at 11:30?

Azriel. I turn my head to look at the clock hanging on the wall. It’s nearly 11:20: a choked sob leaves my throat. Standing quickly, I rush to the bathroom to put myself together. In 10 minutes, my face is washed, and I’m wearing enough makeup to cover any signs of my tears. And I brushed through my hair and threw on some clothes. Rushing out the door, I head for the House of Wind. In the time it took to get to the door of his office, I’ve done breathing exercises to even out my breaths and slipped on a smile.

Knocking on the door to his office, I peeked my head in. “Hey,” I say, biting my lip.

He looked up to me, a grin spreading across his face and arms opening for me. I walked in, shutting the door behind me, and sat on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. He breathed in deeply, taking in the scent of me. “You smell wonderful, love,” he murmurs against my neck.

“Hmm,” I hum, holding him tight.

“Are you feeling alright?” He asks, pulling back slightly to look at me directly.

“Yeah,” An unconscious fake smile blooms across my face, “why wouldn’t I be?”

He just stares at me for a moment longer, eyebrows bunching, when he asks, “have you eaten today?”

“Yes. Breakfast this morning,” I say, “when I woke to an empty bed,” I try steering the question away from myself.

He knows I’m lying, “are you hungry? We could get lunch.”

“It was a big breakfast, Az,” I say, “I’m not hungry right now.”

He grips my waist and pulls me closer, wrapping his wings around us, “What’d you eat?”

“I made toast, scrambled eggs, and bacon,” It’s not entirely a lie, I think to myself.

He puts his forehead on my shoulder, resting it there for a long few moments, “baby,” he mumbles, “please don’t lie to me. We’ve been through this before: I can help, just talk to me.”

My lips start to quiver, I’ve upset him.

“I’m with you through all the good And the bad,” he says, head still down, “please tell me the truth about how you’re feeling,” he lifts his head to look at me, and the worrying features of his face make me sob again. “Hey, hey. It’s okay,” he consoles, wiping the tears from my face, “deep breaths.”

I take a deep breath in and out, and he does it with me. My tears start to slow, and the shuddering breaths even out. Az is running his hand up and down my spine, soothingly and when I’m ready, I explain everything, “I guess- things started getting bad yesterday. I didn’t really like the way I looked in that dress, and I just felt… off? Gross? I don’t know,” I take another breath in, “then Mor showed up, and she just looked so good in that dress; she’s so beautiful. And she ate and drank so much,” I’m ranting now, “Does she ever gain weight?!” I stop talking, trying to calm myself, and tears well up again, but I push them back. Looking back to Az, I start talking again, “I shouldn’t be jealous. I’m a horrible friend for being mad at her, but I just can’t stand her sometimes. I’m a horrible friend.”

I’m looking down between us now, but Az coaxes me back, “look at me,” he holds my face between his hands and pushes our foreheads together, “You are not a horrible friend. You are wonderful and kind. It’s okay to be jealous. You still love her, and you’re still a good friend. Now, tell me the rest.”

I shake my head holding back my tears, “It’s just the same thing. I just- it’s everything combined. I feel like I ate too much yesterday, and I haven’t worked out regularly this week. Then everything last night. So when I woke up this morning, everything was too much. Seeing myself in the mirror and thinking about how much I don’t deserve you. I’m not pretty enough. It’s all just so much. All at once,” my breaths come unevenly again, and tears are running down my face.

He doesn’t say anything for a long moment; his hands drop from my face and pull me into him. His hands run through my hair, and he just soothes me quietly for a few minutes. When he pulls back to look at me, he says quietly and calmly, “You’re beautiful, love. And I know me telling you that isn’t just gonna take all the bad thoughts and feelings away, but I need you to know: No matter what you see in the mirror or what your mind tells you, you are so beautiful. You have your ‘flaws,’ but that’s okay. You just have to learn to love them the way I do. And I’ll help you with that; I’m here to help.”

I nod, tears still streaming down my face, and lay my head on his shoulder, breathing him in and calming myself.

“Can we go eat food now,” he asks quietly. I nod letting myself feel the hunger I pushed aside and relaxed further into his arms. He lifts me with him as he stands and walks us to the kitchen.

[interstellarflowers]

Professor Parker Ch. 1| Professor, Peter Parker x Student, Reader

a/n this fic doesn’t follow the marvel cinematic universe but assume that peter has been what he’s been through with the exception that tony lived, and bruce is still bruce, sorry but i just can't deal with endgame hulk/bruce rn emotionally or mentally. im sorry nat is still dead but dw i'll actually treat it with respect unlike endgame like goddamn where was her funeral, am i right? the stages of grief thing they did was interesting though. im sorry i digress, this is set in nyc (because heyo im a new yorka) and the avengers/stark tower is still a thing, peter is fucking traumatized and has turned kind of cold as a result. this fic may contain a smut chapter in the future? not sure yet, where this fic goes depends on the feedback, thanks for reading also sorry im not the proudest of this first chapter so ill probably edit it but promise itll only improve from here just not in the best mental state rn

University life wasn’t exactly everything that you imagined it to be. There was hardly time to do anything that people claimed was good about coming to university. The parties, the epic heartbreaks, and romances, they were just nowhere to be seen. In fact, there was nothing particularly extravagant about your experience thus far. You went to class, studied, and went to your internship. Your internship was probably the most exciting thing about your life at the moment, you were lucky to be accepted into the Stark Industries student internship, the company paid college tuition and only required around twenty hours of lab work a week, you couldn’t complain. Of course, the exciting part of the whole ordeal was the name attached to it, “Stark,” not that you had ever met him, but it was nice to have a unique feature like that in such an impressive student body.

So here you were on the first day of your third year of university. You lived off-campus, about a five-minute walk from the Stark Tower, but a twenty-minute subway ride to your campus. However, having an 882 square foot space to yourself was really nothing you could truly complain about despite the distance. The studio apartment being yet another benefit reaped from Stark Industries. Thank you Tony Stark, the unseen benevolent God in your life.

Typically you would start your mornings off quietly and in no rush, a shower, a cup of coffee, maybe some studying before heading off to your campus, but your phone had other plans for you today. Instead of your alarm going off like it was supposed to, you were woken up by the sound of a particularly loud car horn, and oh how grateful you were for that. As soon as you were jolted awake you shifted to grab your phone and turned it over to see an alarming 8:40am glaring back at you.

Holy shit. You were late.

You scrambled out of bed nearly face planting several times in your hurry to get dressed and only barely ran out the door with everything you needed at 8:47am.

By the time you managed to get to the subway and clamor onto the right train it was already 8:55am. Out of breath and panicking, you considered your options. You could explain after class, you could shoot an email, there were a plethora of things you could do but none of them seemed to justify being late as a third-year to a level 500 class. You had googled all of your professors while registering for classes as was common practice. You couldn’t find a RateMyProfessor on Professor...Parker? You were pretty sure it was Professor Parker, but you do remember seeing on the STEM department page that he was currently a Ph.D. student, so you could only hope that as a fellow student he would be at least a little understanding towards your lateness.

You stood outside of the lecture hall huffing and trying to catch your breath at 9:32am, psyching yourself up, you pushed open the door to the class and attempted to go unnoticed. The class was in a lecture hall despite being only composed of around thirty students, so if you were lucky maybe nobody would even see-

“Ms.(y/l/n), I presume?.” Shit.

“Professor Parker?” Shit.

“You are aware that class starts at 9am, and not 9:30am, would this be correct Ms.(y/l/n)?”

“Yes, Professor, it’s just that I had an emergency.” The lying route. Not exactly the highlight of your academic career.

“I regret to inform you that I only take valid excuses Ms.(y/l/n), please take a seat, and next time, don’t bother disrupting class halfway through the lesson.” Fuck. You mustered a quiet “ok,” and a small nod before escorting yourself to the back of the room, thirty-something eyes following you until you sat down.

You couldn’t focus for the rest of the class, it was just too embarrassing, time moved forward but you couldn’t help but be stuck on what had just happened. For the first ten minutes after sitting down you felt like dropping out of the whole class out of sheer fucking humiliation. This was of course before you reminded yourself that this class was a requirement to graduate in your field of study. You quietly bargained with yourself before sighing quietly and settling on the conclusion that Professor Parker was just a dick. A dick who certainly didn’t deserve the satisfaction of you switching out of his class. If he wanted to be like that, you decided, you would simply return the favor.

“I know, Ms.(y/ln), why don’t you tell us DeBroglie’s equation?”

“With pleasure, Professor Parker.” Yeah, you’d return the favor alright.

“Ms.(y/l/n), you stay.” Fuck that. You looked the other way and feigned ignorance as you kept making your way towards the door. About to leave, the door shut on your face.

“What the fuck!” You jumped before turning around and you felt your face heat up.

“Ms.(y/l/n), please refrain from using profanities in my classroom.”

“I’m sorry Professor Parker. I was just startled.”

“Mhm,” he took his glasses off and laid them on his desk, “Just don’t do it in the future Ms.(y/l/n).”

“Of course. My name is (y/n), by the way, Professor Parker, you can just call me that, actually, I prefer that people refer to me by (y/n).”

“Rest assured, I’m aware of your name, Ms.(y/l/n). My name is Peter, but you can continue to call me Professor Parker.” You could have sworn that you saw a ghost of a smirk on his lips. He knew what he was fucking doing, asshole. You held back from rolling your eyes into the back of your head.

“Of course, Professor Parker.”

“As you know, Ms.(y/l/n), I did request that you stay after class.”

“Oh? I sincerely apologize Professor Parker, I really didn’t hear you.”

“I’m sure, Ms.(y/l/n).” Fucking. Dick.

“Well, what exactly did you want Professor Parker? I do have another class soon.” Professor Parker narrowed his eyes at you in obvious distaste before reaching behind himself into a bin underneath his desk and pulling out a stack of papers,

“These are the handouts you missed from the beginning of the class. Textbook requirements, syllabus...Crucial information to have if you care to succeed in my class Ms.(y/l/n).” So coldly, so maliciously, Professor Parker placed the stack into your arms.

“I take my work very seriously, Ms.(y/l/n), I do my part as your professor so I only have the simple request that my students do the same.” You nodded feeling your face heat up again.

“Of course, Professor Parker, it won’t happen again,” you said with a tightlipped smile.

“Mhm,” Professor Parker turned around and began shuffling around some paper and without giving you a second glance said, “You are dismissed.” You nodded and hurriedly made your way out of his classroom. Of course, you had lied. You didn’t have another class until late in the afternoon. So you called your coworker instead,

“Hey, Harvey.”

“(y/n).”

“Wow, okay, don’t get too excited.”

“Sorry, just woke up.”

“Tsk, the early bird gets the worm, Harvey.”

“I don’t want a worm.”

“Fuck you. I’m headed to the lab, can I expect you?”

“Yeah, yeah.” You had been working with Harvey for around four years now, he was quite the impressive specimen, having attended MIT and graduating Summa Cum Laude at age 20 was no easy feat, he was closer to Tony Stark than you would ever get, he was quite personable, and you couldn’t deny that he was quite good looking. You’d never tell him that though, he didn’t need another ego boost. Besides, you had some connections of your own.

“Hey, (y/n).”

“Banner!”

“Can we expect Harvey today?”

“Honestly, not sure.” You both knowingly smiled at each other before you made your way over to what he was working on,

“Do you ever get bored here?”

“With you and the other idiot always running around? How could I?” You laughed,

“No, seriously, like wouldn’t you rather be doing nerd shit with Tony or something? Isn’t it a little tiresome babysitting us?”

“Tiring? Maybe sometimes, but not nearly as tiring as doing ‘nerd shit’ with Tony. He’s exhausting,” Bruce smiled at his own joke, “I don’t mind playing babysitter at all kid.” He fiddled with the handle of a mug that read, “Don’t be so Na Cl,” which you had gotten him a year back as a joke, but he still used it.

You really loved Bruce for all he was. Since losing your family back in 2012 during the battle in NYC, you didn’t really have any familial figures. But since landing this internship you found yourself with a parental figure again, and you would never be able to put into words how much it meant to you, so you didn’t. Besides, you didn’t want him to feel pressured about it, especially after everything he had been through himself. Frying half your body and losing the love of your life in such a short span of time was really nothing less than horrifying. Yet, here he was, smiling, laughing...You loved him for it.

“First day of junior year? How was that?”

“Shit.”

“Huh?” Bruce stopped tinkering with the device in his hands and looked over at you, “I’ve never heard of a course being too hard for (y/n) (y/l/n), what is it? Aerospace? Quantum?”

“No, just one giant dick.”

“Pardon-”

“My professor, he’s a fucking asshole.”

“Ah, I see. If he’s really harassing you (y/n), I don’t mean to overstep, I really think we should alert administration, what’s his name?” Bruce took a sip of his coffee.

“Professor Parker,” Bruce choked on his coffee, “Oh my God, Bruce, are you okay?”

“Yeah-” he said, still coughing, “Just a little too strong.”

“Okay, are you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bruce caught his breath, “What did he do kid?”

“He’s just a dick that’s all.”

“You sure you don’t want me to do something about it?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I don’t know what you could do anyways. Thank you though.”

“Actually, you’d be surprised.”

Sitting at your desk stressing over school work at 3am, it was nothing out of the ordinary for you. Everything appeared ordinary. The ordinary cup of tea, the familiar glow of your computer, and a morning chill creeping through your window. It was all so breathtakingly normal until there was a rap on your window. You took an earbud out of your ear, certain you were just hearing things, you looked to your window. Holy shit.

You opened your window wide so that he could crawl in.

“(y/n)?”

“Mr.Spiderman.” Still too in shock to fully process the situation you started to take in the scene in front of you,

“Please, it’s just Spiderman.”

“Oh-Oh my God, what happened?” Head to toe the suit seemed to have blood seeping through, tears in the body of the suit revealed gashes and a bullet wound.

“Bad guys. I know this guy-said he knew a medical student close by, you are (y/n)? Right?”

“Y-Yeah, but I’m really just a student, I’m not really a prof-”

“This guy, he said you might as well be.”

“I don’t know Mr.Spiderman, really, maybe I could take you to the hospital though.”

“-Spiderman, it’s just Spiderman, listen, (y/n), you know I can’t go to a hospital, it would ruin this whole secret identity thing I got going on here, and this guy, he’s probably the smartest guy I know, so if he says you can handle it, you can.” You swallowed and nodded,

“Yeah-” you wring your hands together, “Yeah-Sorry, let me go get my first aid kit.”

[actual-fucking-clown]

Take your time then.

Aizawa x gender neutral reader

Story under the cut :)

Unedited but like edited but still not properly edited :)

Hope you enjoy!!!

a/n: it’s been a hot min since I’ve written a fic. I think the last time i was 14 and it was shit and on wattpad. Ha. I hate myself. N e way, I was recently writing some shit for an au me and my friend thought up and in the back of my mind I was like, “you should start writing fics again bc this is kinda fun”, soo lo and behold I made a post asking if anyone would be interested, shared a little too much personal shit in it but whatever, and have now decided to write this mother fucker. (3/25/21)

a/n: not sure if anyone will care about this series of a/n’s but I’m just chronicling thoughts ig. rewriting rn bc my first draft was short and ass. Also I’m thinking about opening requests after this is posted, will go into detail in a diff post maybe. (3/28/21)

a/n: deleted everything, rewriting. I just want to make something that might be decent and if I can give that feeling, y’know those chills you get when you read something utterly gorgeous, but I’m bad at writing. sadge (3/28/21, like several hours later)

a/n: ugh (4/1/21)

a/n: ugh pt 2 electric boogaloo. I can’t seem to move forward with the writing. I realized something like this might happen bc to solve a problem feelings need to be discussed and I fucking hate doing that so you can see where I’m fucking up lmaooooo (4/2/21)

a/n: I read angst to fuel my writing brain. So, read some angst, finally writing agian. This first section is probs as long as the story itself LMFAO(4/5/21)

Started: (3/25/21) Finished: (4/5/21)

Warnings: uh angst, curse words, like a lot, (i saw someone else put this as a warning, do I actually need it?), avoiding problems instead of actually facing them, mentions of shit so-so parenting, mentions of not being able to live up to high expectations, y’know, the works

Synopsis: Aizawa takes in Eri without running it by you first and expects you to be okay with it. That’s funny. He was wrong.

Can I preface this with a thought? I’m going to anyway,

all the fics I read paint him as the sweetest partner and I’m sure he is but I think they miss out on how blunt he is and his whole “Mr. Rationality” thing. So as much as I adore him I think there are situations that he’d be a bit more colder towards, a bit more straightforward about. Maybe even like a bit insensitive about but maybe bc he doesn’t have the full picture or something. so I guess this is another warning but aizawa is a little insensitive in the beginning (but like not really but kinda. it’s complicated)

~

Rain pattered softly against the window. The smell of some old random Bath and Bodyworks candle you’d dug out from a box you’d never bothered to unpack smothered the room. Some Netflix show idly played on a low volume on your computer, you’d lost interest in watching tv awhile ago. You needed a break. After the eventful month you’d been having you really needed this. 

Now of course your whole year so far had been eventful. What with all the villain attacks on you and Shouta’s class and the kidnapping of one of your students, to just dealing with the more mundane problems with your students. No. You had no problem with that. The villains, although not easy, were something you were trained to handle. The smaller problems with your students weren’t arduous either, after all you weren’t too much older than them. 

When reflecting on your situation, from and outside perspective it could be seen as the straw the broke the camels back, which sure, makes sense. After all, you’re bound to be stressed out by everything else, so why would this seemingly insignificant thing weigh heavier than a villain attack? Well if that is the situation why does this single straw feel like it weighs a ton? This is not that. This is not culmination of the events of this year draining the life from you. This is something entirely different. A panic inducing life change that completely took you by surprise mixed with your inability to actually face your problems. 

You don’t blame them. You can’t. They’ve done nothing wrong. A child. A small, probably mentally scarred child is your problem. Well not her personally but the fear taking care of her instills in you. Despite working in the field that you do, you cannot for the life of you handle actual children. Sure you’re a little awkward with your class but at least they’re young adults and (vaguely) mature and independent to a certain extent. The fact that your long term boyfriend just came back one day, small child in tow and said “Hey I’ve gotta look after this one now” not verbatim obviously, for a lack of better words, fucked you up. He basically solo adopted a kid and, let’s be honest, he probably expected you to help out. But how could you? How could this man look at you and think “I want this person to help me raise an already fucked up child?” Ok sure, he doesn’t at first give off the “I’m totally father figure material” vibe but in the end he is extremely competent. You on the other hand, not so much.

You’d never been good with children. Tried your best to steer clear of them. Didn’t matter the place, didn’t matter who’s kid, you couldn’t handle them. You would just stand there, awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do and petrified that there was the possibility of making some mistake which would upset the child and then oh wow look, your head got chopped right of your shoulders. That’s hyperbole of course but it does sum up the insurmountable fear that overcomes you whenever you have to deal with a child. So considering the fact that your long term boyfriend had suddenly decided to adopt and not at least warn you, didn’t sit right with you.

So, the best and most obvious choice, was to avoid your problem. Avoid Shouta, avoid Eri. Avoid the mention of them and you, avoid it all. And honestly you’d done pretty well so far. You were able to have as little contact with them as possible considering the close proximity of your living quarters in the teacher’s dorms. After all they were legally supposed to give you two separate rooms but you never actually used yours, well until now. You were living it up honestly. Did you feel awful? Of course. He is your boyfriend after all and you were sure Eri doesn’t deserve your cold shoulder but this is probably for the best. What could you offer her? You weren’t sure that you were a good role model for her or anyone for that matter. What did you know about raising kids? it’s not like you had parents to set a proper example for you. Of course they might have shown you what not to do but where do you go from there? Is shit like that really avoidable? You don’t want to be like them. You strive to be better but what if you can’t be. There’s also the added bonus of the fact that raising a kid seems taxing on a relationship. Now matter how strong you were sure that the stress of a kid could break a relationship down that then festers into something toxic and unrecognizable. You didn’t want that. God you couldn’t let that happen. No. This was definitely for the better.

Of course Aizawa didn’t feel the same. He was confused on why his partner had been so blatantly avoiding him. Did he do something wrong? He doesn’t remember doing anything that might’ve upset you. So why now? Why pull away now? He had to get down to the bottom of this but catching you was the hard part. You had been taking on more work, offering more assistance to the other teachers, picking up extra patrols, doing everything and anything to stay away from Shouta. It took him a month but he finally caught up to you. You were tired, worn out he knew that. Instead of loading yourself with work you’d decided to hole yourself up in your room. It was now or never.

You were pulled out of your peace at the sound of a few gentle knocks to your door. You really didn’t want to get it. You honestly couldn’t be bothered. 

“(N/n)? Are you in there?” He hadn’t gotten it wrong right? He hadn’t been too distracted earlier and missed you leaving right?

“What’s up?” You hummed from your place by the window, not bothering to actually open the door.

“Can I come in?” Shouta asked, voice soft. You could barely hear him above the patter of the rain and the low humming of your laptop.

“Uh, no, kinda busy. Got loads of work to do. Need to focus, sorry. Maybe later?” You hesitantly spoke. Not sure if you were convincing enough. 

Apparently you weren’t.

He sighed. “It’s been “later” for an entire month. Please (Y/n) just let me in. Whatever this is we can talk it out.” You had predicted that eventually Shouta would start to try to crack down on whatever the issue was but you didn’t expect it so soon. 

“Uh...no?” You tried, hoping that maybe he’d just give up but that wasn’t Shouta.

“No, you don’t get that option, now please, open the door.” Although it was still soft his voice had taken a more stern tone.

“Oh no I’m dead. I guess I can’t open the door. What a shame. I guess the only way to talk with me now is in the pits of hell.” You quipped, trying to lessen the tension that already ran thick.

“(Y/n).” Aizawa sighed.

“Jeez fine. Talk about pushy.” You quipped once more to no avail.

Opening the door you were met with, well exactly what you expected. He stood there, arms crossed, a stern yet gentle look in his eyes, his lips pulled into a slight frown. 

“Come in.” You mumbled as you stepped further into your room.

“So tell me. What’s wrong?” The sentence stirred so much. Of course you wanted to tell him. You wanted to spill your guts to the man you loved in hopes of comfort but you just can’t. You know you’ll just scare him off. You know you’ll make things worse.

So you stay silent.

He says nothing as he grabs your hands gently and leads you over to your bed. He sits the two of you down on the edge, muting the movie on the laptop sitting behind him.

“You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you right?” Shouta sent you a warm smile. 

You weren’t very comfortable with discussing your feelings sometimes, it mostly stemmed from the fact that you never really could discuss them with anyone growing up which made it harder to confide in anyone now, as at this point bottling things up was a habit. But this was also just something that you were sure that you couldn’t talk about.

Silence answered him once again.

Now he took sometime to think about his approach, think about what could’ve happened that made you pull away. What did he do that was different from his norm? He was genuinely stumped and the fact that you weren’t helping him confused him even more.

You decided to take this time to lament the situation too. What was he going to do? Should you actually tell him or play it off? If you play it off will he still insist that something is wrong? If you tell him will he leave you? If you don’t tell him will he leave you? You risked a glance at him, he was still deep in thought.

Why did you have to adopt this fucking kid without at least warning me?

“What?” Your head shot up at the sound of his shocked voice.

“What?” You asked, genuinely confused.

“Eri’s the problem...?” He spoke slowly, not entirely sure if he’d heard you right.

“Did I say that out loud?” You squeaked.

“I’m pretty sure you mumbled something along the lines of “why’d you have to adopt that fucking kid”.” Shouta said, unsure if he’d heard wrong. Wanting to have heard wrong.

“No no no no no no! It’s not like that! I mean it is like that but not like that!” You frantically waved your hands in hopes of defusing the situation.

The way he looked at you made you want to cry. You felt horrible. You felt like the biggest asshole in the world and, at this point you probably were. He looked at you with such a look of heartbreak and disappointment and confusion it made you sick to your stomach. You felt light-headed and started shaking. You were right. You were right. You were always right. God why did you have to be right! Why did you have to be like this? Scared of raising a fucking child! It was asinine and irrational and you could probably move past it  but thanks to your stupid fucking brain you just sealed your fate.

You scooted away from him still waving your hands frantically as no’s tumbled endlessly from your lips. You tried sputtering an apology, anything so that he wouldn’t look at you like that but nothing stuck. Nothing was comprehensible. Nothing worked. Nothing would work. Nothing will work. You were hopeless. It was hopeless. 

“If it isn’t like how it seems then tell it to me straight.” Shouta finally spoke up.

You took a second to come down from your panic. You steeled your nerves as much as possible before you spoke. 

“Um well, I have nothing against her it’s just that a little heads up would’ve been nice? I’m not all that great with kids so this is just kind of weird is all.” You were purposefully being vague in hopes that he’d understand what you meant and also maybe drop it.

“Not great with kids? You’re literally a teacher.” He pointed out.

“Yeah you know but she’s like a kid kid and let’s be honest I’m not too great with the students either.” You awkward laughed. So he wasn’t getting it.

“Wha-you’re fine with the students and I’m sure you’ll be fine with Eri, there was no reason to avoid me over this.” Shouta sighed. As good as he was with dealing with people, he was equally as shit. Or maybe it was just the fact that you gave him very little to work with. It was probably a bit of both. Still his dismissiveness was not helping you right now.

“No, no, no, no. I think I’ll stay here. Uh, good luck with your parenthood escapades and sorry to leave you high and dry like this but that’s going to have to be a no from me.” You rambled. He seemed to be getting a little tired of this.

“(Y/n) stop being irrational. She’s not even our kid I’m just looking after her for now. Why are you being difficult? I told you you were fine with the students and you’ll be fine with Eri, what else do you want to hear?” Shouta grumbled.

“Well uh I don’t know, uh...” You trailed off, this seemed to be going in a direction you really didn’t want it to go. A slight hostility settling in the air.

At your lack of a proper answer he clicked his tongue. He took a moment to reassess the situation. There had to be something he was missing. After all you were getting really worked up but if you weren’t going to talk to him there was nothing he could do. He shook his head before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“(Y/n), please, please, just be honest with me. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, you can tell me. But I won’t be able to understand if you don’t.” Aizawa sighed, deciding that getting worked up about this was not the way to go, especially when you seemed to be especially distraught.

“Uh, god the thing is I don’t know entirely what to say to put the shitshow in my head into perspective.” You mumbled, trying desperately to figure out what to say that could clear the air but nothing seemed to be coherent enough.

“Take your time.” He decided that this was the best approach to things, making sure neither party got too worked up lest this turn into a fight.

The rain continued to patter softly against the window and your candle continued to burn an slightly off floral-ish scent.  A deafening silence hung in the air because even though he was being as patient as possible some of his frustration leaked through, it was bound to though so you couldn’t exactly blame him. After all, you were probably equally as frustrated with yourself too. 

“I’m just not good in a position like this. I’m not good with kids, especially someone like Eri who’s already so broken. You have that nurturing nature, it comes natural to you but I’m not on that level. I  don’t know the first thing about caring for a child let alone one as already traumatized as her. I’d fuck it up and only make things worse. I don’t want you to reassure me that I’ll be okay with her, I want you to understand that I’m not comfortable with this and that it might take me awhile to come around. I’m sure I sound like the biggest asshole ever but please understand that this just isn’t something I’m ready for.” You had rambled a bit, you were aware of that, but it was the only way that you could properly express your feelings without making things too complicated.

Aizawa said nothing. Trying to figure out how to go about things.

Was he upset? Yeah, you two, even after several long years of being together, hadn’t discussed moving forward in your relationship in depth. And if he’d tried you seemed content with the point you two were at so he left it be, no reason to try and move forward when what you had was already fine the way it was. But recently he’d been craving more. Some mornings, when he’d be the first to wake, he’d study your features in the soft light of the sunrise and wonder what it’d be like to properly settle down with you. Get married, start a family, all that jazz. He’d taken in Eri only because it was the most rational decision. His quirk would be good for quelling hers had it ever gotten out of hand. But it also seemed to quell his musings of something more with you. He had imagined you being a good parental figure for the little girl and it made his heart flutter and his stomach explode with butterflies. But now seeing that that wasn’t what you wanted and how you weren’t ready for it, it stung. But in the end, he loved you. He’d easily give his life for you. So, if that meant waiting he’d wait. He’d wait a million years if he had to. He could do it.

Once again he spoke,

“Take your time then. I can wait.”

Tagslist?: @captainchrisstan (I think you said you wanted to be tagged but I’m also just small brained lol If u didn’t want to and I misinterpreted things just let me know :) )

[motherstone]

When you have the time could you share the bad au?

Anon, I am deeply grateful that you asked, but I must warn you that this is LONG (16+ arcs long and that’s because I havent conceptualized the others yet) and i am only sending you pt.1 Be warned.

More under the cut:

Deviation from canon:

·        Anything involving the aliens is dropped

·        Algos island won’t be a gas station, but an actual fucking island

·        The Voice is spiritual in nature.

·        The Old is New scene occurs around Book 5

·        Trellis eventually gets some fractions of his memories, but I dunno how yet

·        The Resistance at Frontera won’t be THE Resistance but the Elven resistance – they refused contact with the human resistance because they’re very discriminatory and hostile. The ER is composed of the researchers/engineers/etc and their kids that the Elf King failed to purge when they revolted once they fully realized that they are actually creating weapons of mass destruction

·        Emily gets trapped in the Void

·        There’s a whole lot more, but I can’t recall all of them

Note: Do take that these are not yet properly developed. Many of these are ideas I just enjoy playing around with. It WOULD not put much attention to most characters because a.) I haven’t nuanced their roles nor what part they should play in the story and b.) the narrative focuses on Trellis because I’m biased and ngl the potential of the story he could create is a LOT. He has sooo many potential conflicts, be it in self, society, and nature I couldn’t help myself. Also, do take note that this story is meant to be a tragedy – it’s going to explore Trellis and his reign, and the burden and subsequent consequences from it. The narrative doesn’t seek to “punish him” because 90% of the problems he encountered are out of his control and there is barely a perfect solution to anything, so he is bound to create ruthless and even questionable decisions as a result of his inexperience and young age despite his intelligence; all of these I am intrigued to explore about because all of it I just made up lmao.

In addition, my head blurred between what is canon, what I want canon to be, and what you know about the “canon” in my head (which is likely, not a lot because I never post abt it), so I may suddenly spout things that may seem out of context because you guys lack the background behind it. So if you have questions, pls feel free to send them my way. These arcs are INCREDIBLY condensed because if I spout too many details, I’d forget the details in other arcs. So. Yeah.

ARCS

STONEKEEPER TRIALS

-      Guardian Council arrives at Algos Island which contains the knowledge to purify the Voice from the Elf King (which should weaken him and thus easier to kill him)

-      Stonekeepers of past made sure to put security measure to prove the worthiness of the person seeking said knowledge and using it responsibly for the right reasons by subjecting them to a Trial (they will experience their deepest greatest desires and greatest fears as well)

-      Technically, the knowledge isn’t a concrete thing – it only works once per keeper, but it modifies itself to fill in the gaps of the knowledge they lack but seek (so like if youre seeking how to heal, the Temple will give you that knowledge and THAT knowledge only)

-      Lacking time, all three decided to take the Trials separately but at the same time.

-      This is supposed to be the fic on ao3 is about, even had an outline n all but its too long so I’ll post it later

-      tl;dr: Tellis finished first and is the one who gained the knowledge, and Vigo finished second, but Emily isn’t waking up at all. Eventually they all got attacked by the shadows

-      Trellis sends Vigo up to get the airship to them as he stays behind to protect Emily from the shadows

-      He’s getting super desperate as the enemies increase but Emily isn’t waking up until she suddenly transforms and tries to kill him

-      He barely survives but the Firebird gets away. The rest of the crew retrieved him, but when he retells them what happened…

-      They didn’t believe him. They think he sabotaged Emily.

BURNING OF IPPO

-      It more or less goes the same in Supernova, except the memory thing doesn’t happen and none of the Amulet trusts him except Riva and Vigo. Leon Miskit and Karen are still on Cielis while Navin n Aly are on Frontera but they don’t know that yet.

-      So the firebird attacks as usual, but instead of taken out early in the game, he is pushed to the limit protecting the city and its citizens as he’s the only one who can create a barrier while Vigo distracts FB and Riva evacuates the people

-      Trellis also bothers to release the elf soldiers in prison when it burns so they would be able to evacuate (will be important)

-      He nearly dies from exhausting himself, but manages to repel the FB to leave Ippo alone after much of it is burned. He is devastated by the aftermath because most of the people burned right in front of his eyes (will be important)

-      Worried at FB’s destructive power, they argue between pursuing it or ending the war. Riva argues trellis can’t go around protecting every city as its too fast for them, so it leaves only one viable option; end the war as quickly as possible to focus on Emily before she  burns everything and kill everyone

-      They eventually reunite with the Cielis army, but eventually gets abandoned again alongside the human resistance because they refuse to serve under Trellis, who was going to command the assault

-      Lacking an army, the elven, Luciean, and Ippoei soldiers then offers to help

-      They reconvene with the ER on Frontera, finally reuniting with Navin, Aly and Pil, who were all horrified by the news. Navin has mixed feelings but ultimately agrees it was his fault and is optimistic Em will be ok. Aly on the other hand is apprehensive but continues to trust him.

-      Meanwhile, Vigo departs to convince the CA to change their minds and get more allies, while Trellis, Luger, and the rest forms a plan…

BATTLE OF VALCOR

-      Trellis pretends to be captured by Elf Army to get close enough to the Elf King to kill him – avoiding as much bloodshed as possible. Unfortunately, he was decided to be executed before he could confront him so all hell breaks lose as the disguised soldiers ditches their disguises and fights the remaining EA on the king’s side

-      Note: Trellis is waaay more powerful and skilled here although his destructive powers are nowhere near Emily’s

-      He tries to make his fights as curt and decisive as possible to avoid wasting precious energy for the confrontation (I swear to god the fight sequence is more elaborate in my head but hnng I’m busy rn). Eventually he does make it at the temple of kings – where his father was waiting

-      Trellis was nowhere weak, but he barely holds ANY dice against his father’s power and was very close to nearly dying

FALL OF THE KING

-      He was saved by the timely intervention of Vigo and Riva – who has finally arrived with the CA (who got threatened into cooperating)

-      They barely get the upperhand, but they manage to get Trellis close enough to enact the Scission but, got uphold by the fact that the man they were trying to kill wasn’t dead in the first place but ALIVE

-      The Elf King begs Trellis to end it all, the mercy of release, for death, and it horrified him into freezing into place – MISTAKE

-      He gets a fatal wound being stabbed because the EK was tricking him (he is alive, but he was not really manipulated by the Voice – He was always evil all along), sneering at his softness that was never quite wrung out by the abuse

-      But that also gave Trellis the perfect opportunity to cast the Scission, which he then does at nearly the cost of his own life

-      The Voice gets cut off from the EK and retreated to the Void, and the EK dies from his wounds, and Trellis was about to meet the same fate

-      All three of them are barely held together by threads, but Vigo uses the last of his power so trellis could survive. At this, Trellis just has a mental breakdown and he doesn’t want to go any further, being so close to his breaking point because of all the horror he has to endure (ohh boii and it doesn get better from here)

-      But Riva was pleading for him to get up, get the mask and get to the other side, to show the mask, the soldiers that he WON and Gulfen surrenders and end the war. These two stumble slowly, but steadfastly, Riva practically the only thing supporting Trellis as they try to get to the fighting

-       They eventually manage to reach it, but trellis has to stand alone, composed, undefeated, because if it were anything less, people would challenge him. He declares a surrender.

-      The battlefield silences. One by one, the weapons drop.

[a-lonely-tatertot]

(Unlocked spoilers; poorly written everything. I am finding out that writing people interacting is very much not my strong suit.)

“Sooo...” Tam mumbles, stirring his sugar-coffee with his spoon. “How has your day been?”

It’s been seven hours since Keefe finished the mental excersizes with Tiergan. However, the odd novelty of being asked out via Linh is still fresh- not that this is anything more than an odd frenemy-friendship-date, Keefe has to remind himself. Still though... what a way to find out Tam was severly lacking in the social department.

Keefe shrugs. He knows he should probably answer with his voice to make things less awkward, but there are at least thirty people in this small building and accidentally entrancing them all does not sound ideal.

Tam nods slowly, eyes still glued to his coffee. “Cool.”

Keefe reaches for the notepad in front of him, taking ahold of his pen as well. He’s aware of Tam’s eyes on him as he scribbles down his question before shoving the paper across the table.

It takes Tam a moment to read it; his eyebrows crunch together as he attempts to discern the letters. “Uh,” he says, sliding the note back, “I mean it’s not like I’m going to sleep anyways?” He’s the one shrugging this time.

Keefe gives him a blank look.

“What?” Tam leans back. “You act like drinking caffeine at 11:00p.m. is going to kill me.”

Rolling his eyes, Keefe takes a sip of his decaf coffee. “You are ridiculous.” The words escape his mouth before he can completely register them and his head shoots up, partly expecting to be met with the sight of Tam juggling against his will.

Instead, he is provided with a glare from a moody Shade who has his arms crossed.

“Keefe, even if you do anything, literally no one but me is going to hear you, and even then there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to do it.”

Keefe snorts. His voice, as it always is nowadays, is quiet. “Tell yourself that the next time you tick me off- or try to murder Linh, for that matter.”

“She deserves it.” Tam is back to mumbling and stirring his coffee now. Embarrassment comes off him in waves as he looks back up. “You know, you can leave whenever you want, right? I don’t mind.”

Dragging a hand down his face, Keefe shakes his head, grabbing the pen again.

A sigh escapes Tam as he is once again forced to decipher Keefe’s writing. He huffs. “I don’t need the social interaction, contrary to Linh’s belief.”

“You’re literally a Shade.” Keefe glares at him. As much as he isn’t a fan of Tam, he knows he needs someone to talk to who isn’t his sister. “Do you even realize that, like, the whole point of shadows is that they follow people- you guys are literally supposed to be second or third in line for most-social-ability.”

“No. We follow- not interact.”

“That’s interacting.”

“Is not.”

“Is too.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Tam.” Keefe is leaning across the table now. If he weren’t so annoyed he’d be weirded out by how close their noses are. “Listen, you don’t have to talk to me- because let’s be real here, this is insanely weird- but, say it with me, ‘A healthy Shade is a social Shade!’”

Tam’s moth remains shut.

Keefe lowers his voice, as to avoid being heard by anyone else. “I said, say ‘A happy Shade is a social Shade.’”

“A happy Shade is a social Shade.” Tam blurts out, his face turning pink.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t...” Keefe decides he doesn’t want to risk anything and stops himself to write it down.

‘I thought you said you wouldn’t listen to me.’

Tam’s face flushes more. “You caught me off guard.”

Keefe snorts. “Sure. Oh! And by the way, who’s Jasper?” He wiggles his eyebrows, hoping a subject change will improves Tam’s mood.

And while it certainly doesn’t improve Tam’s mood- given how he’s completely red at the mention of it- it certainly improves Keefe’s as the older boy burrows his face into his coffee.

“Oh?” Keefe laughs. “Does Shady McSilverbangs have a crush?”

Tam looks up to glare at him before putting the half empty cup down. “No.”

“He does! Doesn’t he! Careful, Bangs Boy. I can tell that you’re lying and I’m pretty sure Ro can hear your heartbeat from where she is outside.”

If possible, Tam turns redder. “I don’t. Linh just thought- thinks- I do and asked him to call me.” The last part of his sentence can barely be understood.

“Really? Because that’s a lot of emotion you’re hitting me with right now.”

Tam’s glare worsens. “Why are we even talking about this?”

Keefe shrugs. He takes a sip of his coffee, forcing Tam to wait for his answer. “It’s entertaining.”

“Ugh.” Tam adds more sugar to his coffee like he’s trying to put himself into a sugar coma. “I hate you.”

“You wound me, Bangs Boy.” Keefe cries. “Though, you came here on your own accord- I didn’t drag you anywhere this time.”

The other sinks in his seat. “You needed the workout anyways.”

“I did not! Besides, you weigh, like, three pounds.”

Tam scoffs. “You were sweating by the time you were done, so clearly you needed the workout given that dragging three pounds did that to you.”

“Dude, you made me drag you up two flights of stairs.”

Tam takes another drink of his coffee. “My point still stands.”

Keefe isn’t sure what to say to that, causing the two of them to fall into an awkward silence as they focus on their drinks.

They’ve only been out for thirty minutes or so, but honestly this whole thing isn’t going super well. They should probably just go back home and forget this all ever happened. Keefe can try to set Tam up with someone else...

The Empath wracks his mind, looking through a mental list of anyone who might make a better friend than him, but everyone he thinks of is either too wrapped up in their own personal problems or just doesn’t know Bangs Boy well enough. Great. Just great. So not only is Tam possibly stuck just being alone- his only other seemingly currently available option is either that Jasper guy or a terrible friend... frenemy... person.

Keefe looks back up at Tam.

He’a still embarrassed and it’s not that Keefe doesn’t mind it, but he really minds it. “Okay, seriously, what’s wrong?”

Tam’s head snaps up as he jumps. “What?”

Keefe gestures to himself. “Empath. Emotions. Why are you so embarrassed?”

“I’m fine.” Tam finishes the last of his coffee. “We should probably head back soon so you can sleep. You almost done?”

Keefe sighs, having given up for now. “Yeah, lets go.”

Your writing is giving me life rn-

I am loving this awkward forced-by-sister date and the “A happy shade is a social shade” was absolutely hilarious and yeah I’m with you people interacting is really hard to write sometimes I mostly end up reading a bunch of other fics to see how the characters would interact

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[northpen]

to prove that yes, i am actually going to try to release this chapter very soon, here is a preview of the new chapter of meet again if you would like to read it!

it is both a flashback and the opening scene so there are no spoilers for the plot or anything!!

warning: this scene contains alcohol and references to child abuse.

-

The last time Cole went to a funeral, he went alone.

His friends didn’t want him to go. They would tell him that it wasn’t fair, that the years hadn’t closed the gap between them, that it wouldn’t give him the closure he hoped it would.

But he didn’t care. He bought a suit. Fixed his hair. Picked up a bouquet of beautiful, yellow carnations.

And then he went to his father’s funeral.

There were people he recognized. People he didn’t. In the later years of Lou’s life, he’d tried to make a connection with his son again. His attempts led to large social gatherings with Cole as a guest of The Royal Blacksmiths, watching theatre downtown from the box seats, and several awkward dinners where the silence hung heavy between them because although they were father and son, they now felt like strangers.

His father grew old and Cole didn’t even know he was on his deathbed until he got the invitation for his funeral in the mail.

Funerals were meant to celebrate the dead, not condemn them. But still, it was hard to sit in a crowded room and listen to people he barely knew speak to the audience about what a good man his father was. How kind. How caring. How forgiving. What a perfect, perfect man he had been his whole life.

A perfect man that reduced his son to tears too many times to count and then scolded him for crying. A perfect man that wondered why his son began to lock himself in the bathroom when he started to yell. A perfect man that wondered why his son lied. A perfect man that wondered why his son hoarded food under his bed. A perfect man that chased his son away with his anger and yelling and even eighty years later couldn’t understand why it was his fault.

A framed photo of his father was displayed on the stage. The picture made him seem young; his hair was still black, and there weren’t so many wrinkles around his eyes. The youth in his face reminded Cole of how much he’d grown to resemble him.

It haunted him. When he looked at that picture and saw the same eyes that stared back at him in the mirror, his breath caught in his throat and he had to leave the room in the middle of a eulogy. He locked himself in the men’s room, where he splashed cold water on his face and tried to calm down. He’d been trying to reconcile with his father for so many years. Why couldn’t he just get over it? Why did seeing a photograph of him still inspire such anxiety? Was there something wrong with him?

The door opened and another man entered the bathroom. He was old and moved a little slow, but Cole recognized him nonetheless. It was Roy, one of his dad’s group members before they retired. He’d known Cole since he was a baby.

“Wow,” Roy said. “They weren’t kidding when they said Lou’s kid was immortal.”

“I’m not immortal,” Cole replied.

“But you should be fifty.” Roy crossed his arms over his chest. “Immortal, ageless, whatever. You’re gonna outlive us all. Must be weird.”

“It’s not weird. It’s actually kind of scary.”

“I can imagine.” Roy gestured to the bathroom—to the whole building. “You’re at your old man’s funeral and you haven’t aged a bit. To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised you even came. I thought you hated him.”

“I used to.”

“I remember when you ran away. That was the first time your dad ever missed practice. What made you change your mind?”

“About what?”

“About hating him.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, did coming here give you any closure?”

Cole took a moment to think.

After the ceremony, there was a cocktail party held at a nearby hotel. The lights were dim, waiter ran around with hors d'oeuvres on their trays, and Cole kept checking the time to see when it was late enough to leave without being rude.

The time wouldn’t come soon enough. In the open ballroom, guests weren’t afraid to approach him. They walked up to him, drinks in hand, to express their condolences for a man he still didn’t know how to feel about. But he did his best to smile, to say thank you, to laugh at their shallow jokes, to act civil and polite and to be as fake as his father had taught him to be.

The last thing his father wanted was to have his son embarrass him because he had the nerve to be impolite when he was eight years-old.

After his tenth awkward exchange, he couldn’t do it anymore. He needed some help. It was time to break one of his rules.

When he’d realized death was no longer certain, he made a few rules on how he was going to live the rest of his life. He needed to take care of his body. He forced himself to eat well, stay in shape, and he worked with his therapist to put an end to his stress eating. Among these rules, there were some he took more seriously than others.

Alcohol and drugs were off-limits. He’d seen what they could do to people. He’d seen substances used for a fun night of partying turn into something to depend on, something to spend too much of a paycheck on. Cole didn’t want to risk it—he didn’t trust himself to have the mental fortitude required to get over an addiction. So, he banned himself from smoking and drinking and swore to stay clean for the rest of his long, long life.

But some rules had to be broken. He figured the death of his father was a good enough excuse to grant himself a little leniency with his alcohol ban.

As more guests came up to him, Cole made his way to the table with a pyramid of cocktails. He grabbed one, took a sip, and cringed. The orange, tropical flavour didn’t do much to disguise the strong taste of rum. BUt people didn’t drink alcohol because they liked the taste. They drank it for what it could do.

He finished his glass. Then he had another. By the time he finished his third drink, it became a lot easier to deal with guests when they spoke to him. He probably should have stopped. But he didn’t.

When it was finally appropriate to leave, his face was fuzzy and it was hard to think for too long. He struggled to text Zane to ask for a lift, unable to type without suddenly dropping his phone or making a dozen error. After he dropped his cell phone for the fifth time, he could feel the guests staring at him. He needed to leave.

He waited outside. Zane pulled up to the front of the hotel. Nya was in the front seat. She waved at Cole through the window.

Cole opened the car door and climbed into the back. He sat up straight for a moment, but as soon as the car started to move, he fell over on the seat and couldn’t bring himself to move.

He would never forget the look of both disappointment and pity that crossed Nya and Zane’s faces when they realized that the funeral had gone as well as they expected it to.

Cole stared at Roy through the bathroom mirror. He considered the question: Did coming here give you any closure?

He didn’t need to consider it for long.

“No. No, it really didn’t.”

- end of scene -

my laptop doesn’t work without being plugged in and i’m on a cross-country road trip rn, so this is all being written by hand for now. if it’s a little awkward it may be because it’s hard to focus on my writing when i’m in a moving vehicle haha

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Review Update 07/03/19

I am going to try to keep this short and in bullet points. I will also label it with a trigger warning (although we all know that never works) just in case. The review itself was with my consultant and T yesterday afternoon; it could have gone better but it also could have been a lot worse...

- To put it in short: things are not working as they are. - They had basically decided everything before I went in so it was more a case of “this is what is happening” rather than discussing the options with me... - I’m currently at my lowest weight, although things are now ‘stable’ in that it is not dropping anymore, my bloods are low in all expected areas but nothing terrible. I am “existing”. Barely managing to get through the days. living in a mind fog/haze. Floating. Mentally I am struggling a lot to simply function but yeah I am here. I am alive. I am not crashing and burning so I am fine. - There is apparently no point stringing out work with my T any longer as it is not proving to be helpful and might be doing more harm as I am unable to make the changes that I need to in order to engage with therapy (which yeah I get) - They concluded that there needs to be a shift in my care with the focus being put on physical health as I seem to be very stuck in a rut and the side effects/physiology of my current weight is proving to be a big barrier that I can’t push past on my own. Sadly my T cannot offer the support that I need in order to face this, so things have to change. - T thought IP might be an option for a short admission but my consultant is pretty against it and said that, from my ‘data’, it shows that I do much better in the community and that was all that was said on the matter. - Anyway, this basically means that I am losing therapy. - There is going to be a month cross-over where my care is shifted over to seeing an EDP who can hopefully help a bit more in terms of “action”. T will tie up the last bits of work we have been doing; we have my formulation and beginning of MANTRA, which will not be lost....although the EDP wasn’t there and no one knows what her case load is like/what will be possible/when so it’s all up in the air as usual. - The service is getting a load of MANTRA books ordered so they are going to give me one as soon as they arrive for my own reference and for future possible bits. - I will then be working with an EDP for a ‘couple of months’ to focus on weight/physical monitoring/action/change/meal plans/eating etc. - They have promised that they will review after a few months to see whether I would benefit from going back to seeing s psychologist (they cannot say if this will be my current one or not (cries - I am devastated to being losing her ))  - Consultant kept reiterating that no one can do it for me. That I have to do it for myself. No one is going to give me a meal plan or tell me what to do or how to add things in or increase - i have to do it myself. (well if it’s that simple then why the hell am I still stuck here x years on...ergh sorry) - I made it clear that I need to have that review after a period of work with the EDP as the last thing that I want is to go along the same road I have before in the past when the sole focus has been WG and no psychology and I “do the least that I can to keep people off my back” and then crash because I am still so stuck. She tried to reassure me and said that she is a big believer in “care pathways” being individual and that she agrees that I need that input but that right now it cant be the focus as my health is too much of a risk and barrier. She noted how “frail” I look, which I thought was a bit out of sort for her but *shrugs* - She is contacting my GP to organise a prescription for Aripiprazole to augment with my Venlafaxine. She did not want to touch the venlafaxine as apparently I am on a vv high dose for my weight.  - My parents sadly couldn’t be there but they sent a letter along and although it didn’t do much, I think it at least gave them a bit more insight into how things are beyond my usual “good girl” front.  - I am seeing her again in 2 months to see how things are going and then hopefully the next review will be to see about psychology.

I am still in such a daze and none of it has really sunk in (I think I have said everything?? tbh I can’t really remember...my mental functioning is not the greatest rn). On my way home (in the dark and cold and rain) my car had multiple malfunctions and I was honestly so close to just breaking down...but I held myself together enough to phone my parents in tears (they are having a few nights away, not planned to overlap with my review but mum had leave to use up and they need a break) and luckily it eventually came back to life and I slowly managed to make my way home. I contacted our mechanic (we knew my car needed a service as its cut out a few times recently but last night was the worst and was terrifying and really dangerous) and he is coming over this afternoon to have a look at it. We think it is the engine...sigh. Needless to say it was NOT what I needed yesterday. I was also planning to go out today to help keep myself busy as my parents aren’t back until tomorrow evening but that plan is out the window due to the car situation so it’s a day stuck at home for me. Im feeling so out of touch with reality rn and I know I am rambling on and I don’t make much sense but yeah I just wanted to update and get some things out. I feel quite, idk, not abandoned but I just get the feeling that the service is sick of me and doesn’t want to have to deal with me anymore (which I don’t blame them for) but yeah if it were as simple as “just do it for yourself” then don’t they think I would have done so before now...I have tried so hard for so long and recently I have just been feeling so deflated/lost/exhausted/tired (stuck record syndrome). My parents are at a loss. They feel completely let down by services and the support available and they don’t know what else to do or where to turn. I hate how much pain and hurt I am putting them through. I hate everything about my existence and being. I am an inherent failure. Me being around does so much more harm than good to so many people. It’s not that I don’t want to change, because I DO, but there is some barrier that is quite simply blocking everything right now and I can’t see past it. I can’t see a future. Anything. Im sorry, I don’t know what I am rambling on about anymore, and I should probably stop. This was going to be a very short update but it is now a classic essay, sorry. Im just so tired and want it all to stop. Im sorry. Thank you for reading this if you have, you deserve a medal. and again, I am sorry.

[transphormers]

hey u have an hc or something about idw mirage becoming a therapist right bc i was thinking about it at work

I do :0!  It’sall a bit messy & not too specific cause tbh... I’ve barely worked on thisidea (and also I had to write this on my phone, rip) but uuuuh here it is:

(Some basics before I really get into it: Mirage hasn’t been killed in thisAU obvs, no Unicron either. The Lost Light’s adventure ends mostly like it doesin canon afawk (the finding of “cyberutopia”, showdown with getaway, defeatingfunctionist universe council etc), and afterwards everyone returns to Cybertronbefore going their own way) So:

Like I said, Mirage returns to Cybertron with the rest of the crew. 

The trip back is way less eventfull than the adventure itself, and everyoneis quite grateful for it. Problem is, it is kinda boring, and betweenrunning the lost light’s sophisticated gay bar Visages andsome other menial tasks Mirage has a lot of time to think about his future.

He is not gonna go back to being a Noble™. In part because he doesn’t thinknobles and noble society will be a Thing like they were in the past (at leastnot right after the war), but mostly because he doesn’t think he would be happyamong them anymore. He has just changed too much since the start of the war,and he knows he just wouldn’t be able to put himself thru the whole ordeal thatis being a Good Noble™

Related but unrelated to this: I’ve always thought of Mirage as someone whonever really fit in with the other Nobles (or the Autobors, but that’s anotherstory altogether) and wasn’t very happy among them, but What Else could he do.

So anyway. Being a noble is off the table, plus he would like to actuallydo something for others and society as a whole this time. But... what? Gonnakeep this short but basically he spends 90% of the trip back home just tryingto come up with an aswer.

And it’s not easy? like?? at all???? he’s been thinking for days, making alist of the things he Knows how to do or could learn quickly and how he coulduse them to help, but he doesn’t like any of the things he comes up with? Soafter the brainstorm comes the depression.

Luckily for him he’s now in good terms with a lot more people than he wasso when they (and by they I mean the Protectobots) notice that he’s going thrua rough patch they decide to help him out. It’s not easy but them being therefor him already helps quite a lot, and then one day by mere coincidence thesubject of therapy comes up.

And it’s like the sky has opened and Primus himself has pointed at Mirageand told him that That’s His Calling! That’s What He Should Do!

(Then comes another little period of desesperation cause ok. he knows whathe would like to do. but... how does he get there? what if he cant? and what ifit turns out to not really be his thing and what if what if what if!!! But hegets thru it)

They arrive at Cybertron and thank primus! there’s a new academy/universityin Iacon looking for students (and teachers) to try and reactivate the planet’sacademical and (part of) cultural spheres! So Mirage find little to noresistance to him enrolling as a psychology student and later focus most of hiswork and research on ptsd (I dont actually know anything about psychology soidk is thats? a thing they can do but shhh lets pretend)

(Actually getting his degree and license to practise is a long and hardproccess withs lots of ups and downs and there are so many moments where Miragejust wants to give up, but he persists and it pays off in the end and its sucha cathartic moment for him? I cant properly express myself rn but basically:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (also he spends a whole day crying and his friends haveso much blackmail material? all in good humour tho but still.)

He starts working under one of his teachers and then moves to a littlemedical practice in Iacon which offers a lot of free treatments and services(First Aid also works here and? the other doctor the protectobots have? im surethere was one?? he’s here too). The pay is not amazing but it’s enough to liveso he really wont complian (and he wont say this outloud casuse he doesnt likebeing cheesy, but for him there’s no better payment that watch his patientsslowly get better)

It’s not all good tho. There are still ups and downs and he’s still dealingwith his own issues and if he has to be honest, the bad days may be less andless usual as time goes by, but the bad days he has are so bad he really feelslike giving up sometimes.

But as much as i love angst and drama i love happy endings more so he getsthru it! sometimes on his own sometimes relaying on others but he is so muchhealthier (mentally and physically than he was) and so much happier, he reallywouldn’t change his life for anything

[tanksforasking]

YOU'RE OUT HERE MAKING MY *LIFE.* Maybe something where tony gets hit during a fight and thinks he's fine but he's actually either concussed or bleeding internally, and after the battle he's all loopy and they (whoever you like lol i'm not picky on this part) think it's adrenaline, then he's cranky and they think it's exhaustion, then he's collapsing and they're like "oh fuck" (PS if you don't like this i can try again!)

OOOIIIIIEEE IT’S PAST 2 AM AND I HAVE WORK TOMORROW.  I AM AN IDIOT.  Anyhoo, this one is for you and that adorable prompt @taylortut!  Idk if this is exactly what you wanted, but I gave it my best shot!  (Also plz tell me if I missed any grammar stuff or if something just straight up doesn’t make sense cause my eyes are too tired to catch everything rn.  Also Also this will be cross-posted to AO3 and FFN).  Enjoy!  

                                               Word Count: 1391

Tony certainly was by no means unfamiliar with crash-landings.  It could be said that they had become somewhat of an occupational hazard for him.  But, unlike most things he seemed to encounter in his line of work, crashes always seemed a lot scarier then they actually were.  Once the initial shock wore off, he could usually just pick himself up, dust himself off, and get right back into the fight.  Rarely was one of his unfortunate meetings with the pavement or the side of a building something that actually caused any severe ramifications.  

Key word being rarely.  

It had been a typical downtown scuffle for the Avengers.  Another lunatic that happened to get access to weapons way beyond their pay grade and used them to wreak absolute havoc on the basis of some half-baked ideology and a superiority complex.  By all means, it should’ve been an easy takedown.  

And it almost was.  

Unfortunately, said psycho happened to pack one Hell of a punch, and just before Sam came in for the final, aerial takedown, the jerk managed to land one last, lucky hit...  

Right to the back of Tony’s head.  

The next few moments seemed to defy time itself.  The moment the criminal’s armored fist made contact with the back of his helmet, Tony felt a brief sensation of exploding pain travel across his skull, followed by total, encompassing darkness.  When he did come to again, it was just in time to see a cement wall inches away from his face, the distance between he and it closing rapidly.  The pain from the impact could barely be distinguished from the lingering ache of the initial strike, the cries of his worried teammates through the coms only aggravating his condition.  

Rhodey’s voice was the first he could truly register throughout the cacophony.  “Tony, you still with us, man?”  

Tony grunted, shifting under the light rubble that now covered him.  Despite the natural aching in his head that would come after such a blow, he couldn’t detect any major bodily damage.  Unfortunately, after several tries, he was unable to activate FRIDAY to confirm his theory, the AI system most likely having been damaged in the crash.  It was something he made a mental note to check on later.  

“Yeah, Rhodes, I’m here.  Did Sam take down crazy?” he finally answered, steeling himself to get back up and fight if needed.  

The sigh of relief on the other end was nearly tangible.  “You have us worried for a moment there, Tones,” he chuckled, “and yeah.  Sam’s got him detained and DODC’s already on their way to clean out his warehouse.  We’re all done here.  How are you?”  

Tony mentally scanned himself again.  Admittedly, it was difficult to tell if anything was out of place with the throbbing of his head overwhelming almost every other sensation, but nothing seemed to be horrendously wrong, so he diagnosed himself as fine and began to dust the rubble off.  “All good, just gotta dig myself out a bit.”  In the distance, Tony could hear sirens, confirming for him that first responders were almost on the scene and their job was done.  

Rhodey’s voice crackled through the coms again.  “We sent your Spider-kid your way just a moment ago.  You should have some help getting you out of there pretty soon.”

Tony sighed, offered a quick thanks and surveyed his surroundings once more.  The dust was clearing, and it seemed like it would be fairly easy to get out on his own.  Still, with the lingering dizziness that wasn’t seeming to lighten up with time, he wasn’t going to turn away the extra help.  Who were they sending again to him again?  Was it Sam?  

Before he could recall, his question was answered by the overly-cheerful shouts of Peter Parker as he approached.  

“Hey, Mr. Stark!”  Peter’s voice seemed to reverberate through Tony’s brain, leaving his ears ringing.  Or had they been ringing before?  He honestly couldn’t remember.  “Ya good down there, sir?  Mr. Rhodes sent me to come get you outta here!”  Peter called out again as Tony winced, struggling to comprehend exactly what the kid was saying through the pressure in his skull.  God his head was pounding.  Was it normal for the pain to last this long?  He felt like it wasn’t.  

“Hey kid…” he mustered up the strength to speak, but even so, his words came out slightly slurred. “Couldja maybe use your inside voice?  My head’s still a bit on the tender side right now.”

“Oh, yeah!  Right!” the younger of the two replied in a sort of loud whisper.  “Sorry!  I uh… think I just gotta move this one last block and then you’ll be good to go!”  

“Thanks kid...” Tony grunted before letting his eyes fall closed, the inky blackness being the only measure of relief from the pain he could find.  

He didn’t know how much time had passed before he heard Peter calling his name once again.  

“Mr. Stark?  Mr. Stark!  You can get up now!  I cleared a path for you!”  Peter’s loud whispers echoed in his ears again, every harsh syllable feeling like a hammer against his frontal lobe.  

Tony groaned, moving to stand before he was pulled back down in a wave of dizziness.  His vision was swimming and everything was fuzzy.  Who was talking again?  Why was it so loud?  

Getting unsteadily to his feet once more, he stumbled blindly forwards, trying to grasp onto something, anything to steady him.  

He soon felt some slight support, as if someone was grabbing his wrists and trying to hold him upright.  

“Woah… Mr. Stark, maybe you should sit down…?”  a quiet, worried, and high-pitched voice rang out in front of him.  

Peter.  That voice was Peter.  Peter was the one holding him up right now.  He sounded worried.  He was worried… about him?  What had happened?  

Oh… yeah.  The crash.  That would at least explain the pounding in his head.  

He needed to keep Peter calm.  After that, he just needed to get back to the compound and sleep the rest of it off.  Then everything would be okay.  

“No, it’s fine, I’m just - ”

Peter cut him off before he could finish a proper excuse.  “Mr. Stark, lift up your mask for a sec?”

Perhaps against his better judgement, Tony obliged, squinting and blinking as the now unfettered sunlight hit his sore eyes.  Everything was out of focus and the world felt like it was spinning.  But, through the fog, he could still hear Peter’s voice of concern.  

“Woah your pupils are like, totally uneven.  I’m pretty sure you got a concussion, sir.”

Tony mumbled out a half-hearted rejection, not having the strength to fully refute what was so obviously true.  Hell, all really cared about at the moment was the hope that the world would stop spinning.  

“You’re showing all the symptoms.  We learn about this stuff in health class, ya know.”  Peter chuckled slightly, obviously trying to make light of what was probably an uncomfortable situation for him.  “Why don’t we get Mr. Rhodes to take you back to the compound and get you an appointment with medical, eh?”  Peter’s awkward laughs continued as he wrapped his arm around Tony’s middle and guided him out of the surrounding rubble, com already activated.  “Mr. Rhodes, we’re gonna need an evac over here.  Mr. Stark probably… well, more like definitely’s got a concussion.  Probably not the best idea to have him flying back on his own like this.”  

Tony was vaguely aware of some affirmative banter between the two before he decided to object.  

“Alright, alright kid.  No need for any of that.  I can make it back on my own.”  He figured his argument would have been a lot more convincing had he not nearly tripped and fell as he finished the thought.  

Peter smiled a bit, obviously trying not to laugh before setting his features again in what seemed to be an attempt to appear stern.  “Uh-uh, sorry Mr. Stark, but you wouldn’t let me do this on my own, and I’m not letting you!”  

Tony couldn’t help but smile as the boy’s grip noticeably tightened around his waist.  Later, he’d blame the sentimentality on the concussion, but deep down, he knew that he had a good kid.  

“Dang it, kid.  Stop making such great points.”

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 11 - “Rain rat. Rain big rat. Ra(t)in.- Franco

Michele

sasha may have one drag race but NOT this! crazy happy but gotta focus on my new main target- F R A N C O

Dusty

AH THOSE LIL TROLLS!! Well my super idol is flushed but thank god that I had it. I really thought this was gonna be an easy round huh. Well my plan to take out one of sasha or frank came true, although maybe a bit early...I voted for Michele in the revote because she has been acting shady!!! She’s barely talked to me the last 2 rounds and every time I do I get non-answers from her. Franco told me that Michele knew about his idol and she didn’t tell me and she was the vote for frank. It’s too soon to know what’s going on

Rain

So. Much. Lying. I’m lying to FRANCO about voting for FRANK I’m lying to DUSTY about voting for DUSTY The only one who knows the truth about both is WORM. Lenny is still... chefs kiss, but I just can’t tell her things anymore. I want to go to the end with her, I think we both have incredibly winning qualities. Also, still no word from Michele about SAVING HER ASS or frank. Not even a confrontation. You better be this silent when you’re on the jury.

Frank

Franco keeps asking me if we can hash things out and work together. Like no, how many times do I have to say no. They’re the biggest threat here and they need to go now otherwise they won’t ever. I’m starting to get pissed off because they just don’t understand me saying no. Like they’ve wanted me out and I want them out and my “alliance” members want them out. All of them can’t be trusted so womp because there was some shit with that vote count but at least I can trust them more than Franco. Like we can be nice to each other and talk I’m all here for that but as far as game talk, big no, and take the hint that isn’t even a hint, it’s literally me saying no like 15 times now. 

Michele

Lenny and worm are my dream top 3 partners! We just need to make it through together. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be francos target next round but as far as I’m aware it would just be him and rain voting me out now that sasha is gone. Whenever you think you’re comfortable though this tribe has a way of turning that all upside down!! Nobody is safe not even worm! 

Michele

Posting now to laugh at how much it changes. My dream order is 7th- franco, 6th- dusty, 5th- rain, 4th- frank, 3rd/2nd-worm/eliza, winner- michele

Worm

As a Cancer rising, I'm very emotional. So it's no wonder that I have mentally changed how I feel about Franco numerous times in this game. Even after going to rocks, which fucking sucked, and being really annoyed that he always has to make every tiny thing into some huge event, I still want to work with him. Part of it because I generally like him as a person. On the other hand he is a loose cannon that I'm not sure with how he's going to play each round. But after Sasha leaving and him basically ostracizing Michele I believe that he is forced to play closely with me. he also informed me that Dusty has an idol so I know he trusts me with information like that. I also love how I put my game plan down last round of what i wanted to happened and it took a complete 180. I think I need to become Franco's Trish and help smooth out some of the damage he has done. Right now I really want to target Dusty. I feel like he is still a threat without hie super idol and with the info of him having another idol means that he is a huge threat moving forward for the next few rounds. I've learned that when an odd number of people left are the best time to make blindsides because you need less people. So all I really need is Franco, myself, rain, and Michele. But all that will depend on how willing the other two are. All I hope is that Dusty doesn't win immunity, but if he does I think I can fall back on the scapegoat of Frank and use the reasoning that because he has survived so many times the jury may look at that as he is playing a good but dangerous game but is able to survive every round. In my head I have come up with a reason for why basically anyone should be voted out and all i need to do is decide on who I want in that finale with me and how I'm gonna persuade everyone to get my targets out. Now that we are getting close to the end I need a move that I can claim as my own, but it still may be dangerous with 3 tribal after this one to do it now. I just need to do what I've been doing and adjusting my game every round to put myself in the optimal position.

Michele

POOR LENNY! Also time to vote out franco. I also forgot if I said this but Lenny and I are rataTWOille now

lenny

Here I am back on the bottom during the challenges! Still feeling fabulous though for some reason but also terrified we'll go to rocks again. Talking to everyone and making sure everyone is okay... except for frank. I find frank very difficult to hold a conversation with. :/ Anyways, praying that I don't get sent home. Also, I was so excited for worm for winning immunity. I genuinely care about everyone in the game rn (except frank not bcuz I don't like him, but he just doesn't interact with me). I am rooting for all of my tribemates!!! We're a good group of people. Unfortunately, that makes voting people out really really heartbreaking. 

Michele

Pretty sure I’m leaving at this tribal council. If I do it’ll be sad but I will be excited for jury chat except sasha! 

Franco

Day 5 of missing Eliza Day 2 of missing Sasha okay so, last tribal didn't go EXACTLY as planned, but considering how intricate the plan actually was, that many things going right is pretty impressive. I'm gonna mark it as a success! I really really wanted Sasha to stay, but, I at least live to fight another day. I'm not great at flash games. I'm kinda just okay at them. SO it was no surprise I just got 3rd in the challenge. Worm winning was great for me. He's a close ally and now we have a full range of targets to choose from on the other side. More options means more chances for me to stay. RAIN, the new love of my life, FOUND THE SECOND REHIDDEN IDOL. which is SO insane. like we really are just pulling idols out of our asses. THIS TIME we're not gonna get as messy. we're going to be smart with it. I'm still public enemy #1, and I trust Rain would use the idol on me if they thought I was the target. Now we just gotta make sure we know what's going on so we can use it correctly. We can NOT afford another tribal going awry for us. Dusty HAS to go. He has the best chance of winning and I want him OUT. He has another idol, good for 3 more votes. We just have to figure out when he's using it and when hes not so we can play around it. I want him gone this round. IN ORDER MY TARGET LIST IS AS FOLLOWS Dusty (snake, habitual liar) > Michele (rat, and i kinda pissed her off) > Frank (aggressive and refuses to even talk to me. Deadass just says no whenever I propose a deal) > Lenny (why is she... still here). I'm kinda worried about taking Worm to the end with me, but I trust him. And now I think that's more important than anything else. But damn is he playing a really good game rn.

Michele

Skskskskks it’s top 7 HOW ARE WE STILL NOT VOTING FRANCO OUT Y’ALL!!! At this point might as well hand him the crown

Franco

okay so tribal is getting messy again Dusty is throwing Michele's name out, but i don't know if he's serious. I still want him gone, but one less vote for me is not something to take lightly Michele told me straight up she might vote me. Frank is definitely voting me. Lenny is definitely voting me. That's 3 votes for sure!! and with idols and stuff we don't know whats going to actually happen. Rain found an idol. I'm so proud of them, but they just told me they're not going to play it on me??? HUH???? Like.... if your biggest ally is at risk of going home, it just seems like the right move to save them with ur idol! i understand they want it for themself but I don't wanna GO

Rain

Motherfucker my confession got eaten Anyway I told Franco I wouldn’t play my idol on him and he goes “if I go your game is ruined” Quite frankly... fuck you man that’s so rude?? Honestly I’d probably be better off without Franco; I could have worm AND Lenny AND Michele! I could be the new Franco! But less OTT! But for now I’m going to sit in the shadows waiting to be voted out. I’m going to play toward dusty and toward Michele to see if I can’t... flirt with the other side, I suppose. I’ve got my idol. That’s what counts. 

lenny

here is the sitch! so, I am currently in a group with michele and worm. I am hoping michele and I stick together. Dusty wants me in a group with them and frank. I like dusty but if they are close with frank, they would both pick each other over me.

Frank

These people really out here trying to get an OTT edit this round. Let it just be a 4-3 vote between Franco and Michele, boom simple done. Let it be and we can move forward. I know Michele, Worm, and Lenny also have an alliance but Worm said they’re voting Michele so this is spicy. I’m fine with Michele going next but Franco has to go now. Although I also want Rain gone next. Truly I’m just trying to stay safe and want to keep a low profile this round to not be in a tie for a third round in a row. 

Dusty

Things are sounding pretty crazy this round. Franco is panicking because his neck is on the chopping block. Which just means everyone’s creating drama and throwing each other under the bus. Besides all of that I still think I’ll be a simple vote. Lenny, Michele, Frank, and I will be voting for Franco while I think Franco, Worm, and Rain will be voting for Michele. Or as Worm called her, “Ratchele” 👀 Worm did also tell me about the alliance between them, Lenny, and Michele but now that Worm is flipping hopefully that bond is broken. I’m not using my idol because I don’t really think I have to worry about being voted off this tribal. Could be a mistake but it’s worth the advantage of having an idol next round.  

lenny

WOW SO MUCH DRAMA and I don't even really get what it is about. Someone is trying to stir the pot. Everything was really low-key before 1pm. So, I am going to return to that mindset. 

Franco

OKAY SO MORE HAS HAPPENED Rain rat. Rain big rat. Ra(t)in. Rain ratted out Worm and I to Dusty while we were trying to gather votes onto him. THEN tried to pin it on Michele. But we talked to Dusty and Michele and we got it confirmed that Michele didn't rat!! for once!! it was rain!! SO NOW WORM AND I ARE BRAINSTORMING. The easiest thing to do is stick with Dusty and Rain and vote out Michele, but where does that leave us next round????? IF we can flip Michele, we can vote out Dusty OR Rain as well. I really thought I could trust Rain. But they are pulling some SHADY shit this round. I'm so nervous. I just HAVE to make sure we know where the votes are going and know we have enough. If we vote wrong, my ass is gone. Rain won't idol me.

[toycarousel]

Hi wren, i haven't asked you for advice but today i could use your help if you have the time, no rush by all means. I lost some online friends today and i know that sounds stupid but i opened up to them and knew them for about a year. When i left for a week due to me being hospitalized i let them know, it was when i came back that things went bad. I was excited to talk to them again but i slowly found out they genuinely did not care about me and thought i only wanted attention 1/?

Even tho i hate being on the spot they didnt believe me. I was separated from them but it still hurts to know that even tho i opend up for a year to them and got to know all of them, they didn't like my company. I blame myself since i came out as if i was attention hungry. Soon they got sick of me, i loved all of them and they made my day better. I shouldnt be tearing up but i cant help it. I cant help but blame myself for trying to be somthing im not.... 2/2

(My apologies for not getting back to you the day you sent these messages, Anon!!! I was out of town, and our days were packed, so I barely checked tumblr).

This is not your fault, Anon (and it doesn’t sound stupid at all!) I completely understand how hard it is to not blame yourself when things like this happen, though, and it’s okay to feel the way you feel at this time.  It’s okay to mourn the friendships you lost, or that have drastically changed... I know exactly what it’s like to love the friends you make online, to become close to them -- only to find out that they’ve been harbouring negative opinions about you.

It’s likely that, while you were gone, they felt like this was an easy topic to pick apart.  It sounds like a case of (on a limited scale) mob mentality.  Since you weren’t there to defend yourself, maybe your friends bonded over the fact that they could say these things about you without worrying about the repercussions.  They may have also talked themselves into feeling this way about you and your intentions, because when a group of people spark an opinion, that group can become an echo chamber.  And when that happens, even the people who don’t truly feel that way about you may have started to believe that they do, in order to fall in easily with the rest of the group and the popular opinion.

Imo, it’s not fair for them to have outcast you when you were working toward healing.  People who are seeking attention aren’t as likely to actually go to a hospital for institutionalization.  That’s typically a move that someone who really wants help, at the cost of their personal freedoms, makes.  It’s a move that people who truly need hospital care make.  And the thing is, even if you do/did want attention (which isn’t even a bad thing), that doesn’t mean that you’re not in need of professional care.  It doesn’t mean that you’re faking anything, and it’s not a fundamentally harmful thing to want.  

I’m not sure what you were hospitalized for specifically, but in my experience, the worse my health gets, the more I need attention from others -- mainly support from my friends.  It’s hard to try to recover from any illness or bad set of circumstances all alone, and sometimes, we just need others to acknowledge the pain we’re feeling.  It’s okay to talk about what you’re going through, and to share those truths with your friends.

I don’t know for sure why your friends suddenly started to treat you this way, I can only hazard guesses (like the ones above), but I do know that they could have chosen to be there for you, and supportive of you.  It’s okay for them to ask about your motives -- to talk it out with you, if they feel there’s a problem -- but it’s not fair for them to take their own assumptions as pure facts, and act unkindly, based on those assumptions.  

It doesn’t sound like they did much fact-checking with you (before attacking you, I mean) to see if their negative assumptions were actually true.  When I have an issue with a friend, I do my best to bring it up with them.  I don’t assume, right off the bat, that the harsh things I’m thinking about them are 100% true and not to be questioned, even when I’m hurt, or angry, it’s important to take a step back and look at the situation objectively.  I ask my friends what they’re feeling, and thinking, and see if I actually have a reason to stop being friends with them -- to see if we can’t work things out first.  That’s what your friends should have done.  However, these things are incredibly hard things to do... especially when you’re young (I don’t know the ages of you and your friends, though, but it’s taken me till my 20s to even begin to figure out how to do the things I spoke about above).  So your friends might just be giving into the impulses they have to be angry.  It’s still not fair to you.

If there is still a way to talk this out with them, to be candid, open, and honest about how you were feeling, what your thoughts/emotions were/are, and ask them why exactly they feel the way they do about you rn, I’d try to initiate that dialogue, for sure.  It doesn’t have to be a fight, debate, or any sort of argument.  It can simply be asking them “I don’t know what I did wrong specifically, but I’m open to listening to what you all have to say about this -- what specific things do you remember that I did, that made you feel like I was doing this for attention? What things do I do that bother you, and make you feel this way about me?”

You may all be able to talk this out... or, things might not go well.  If they don’t go well, see what you can do to cope ahead.  If you lose these specific friends, remember that you can always make new friends... I know that may sound callous, because these are people you love, know, and care about as individuals, but if they can’t give that same devotion of friendship to you, that you’ve given to them, then they’re not going to make for good friends unless they work to change themselves too.  If it turns out there are things you did or said that you think may have hurt your friends, then you always have the opportunity to change those behaviours, and to let your friends know that you’re going to.  We all make mistakes within relationships, but we often don’t deserve to be fully persecuted for it, especially before we’re even allowed to make a case for ourselves.

In the meantime, and the present, focus more on being around people who understand what you’re going through... looking up online or offline support groups/forums/blogs that are for people who’ve experienced what you have wrt the reasons behind your hospitalization, is one potential starting point.  Spend as much time with people who are supportive of you as you can.  It’s not fair that this happened to you, and I hope things genuinely turn out alright... remember, you went to the hospital for a reason, and that reason(s) is valid.  You didn’t deserve to come back to a cold climate amongst people you placed so much trust in, and this is not your fault.

[jinxabish-blog]

Be Less Chill

Be Less Chill A universe where Michael had the Squip instead of Jeremy—even though this has probably been done before I’m going to do it bc have ideas and I’m going to roughly plot them down here smh. Basically, instead of Rich going up to Jeremy about the Squip he goes up to Michael because Michael seemed more fit to be a “popular kid” bc of his taller + wider frame. Michael has been really desperate to be cool lately because Jeremy has been really bummed out about being a loser, so Michael is one step ahead of Jeremy and he’s going to help him and shit. Because what’s a friend for if bros don’t help bros be the coolest bro they can be?? So Michael gets the Squip in the middle of getting some new Bob Marley albums in a shitty store. The first thing the Squip does is tell Michael everyone in the music store thinks he’s a freak for being so big yet breaking down to the floor because of the pain, and Michael is just like “yeah man!! We’re all freaks lmao who else gets Bob Marley music anymore.” Then the Squip keeps saying mentally abusive shit to Michael and it just phases right through him, and he doesn’t repeat it at all. Michael barely improves and then the Squip brings up that “you have to obey” bullshit. So Michael hops on board, and says “everything about me is just terrible!” enthusiastically because he’s doing this for Jeremy, and if this gets him to improve then why the fuck not repeat it?? The Squip gets frustrated, because everything he’s saying like, “wow that hoodie is absolute trash get a more jock-like shirt,” passes through Michael and Michael does it easily. The Squip is supposed to be designed to break the associate so they can be molded back together in the way the Squip likes, but Michael is way too chill for that. Soon, the Squip realizes that he’s so chill because Jeremy is by his side, and he’s doing this for Jeremy so it’s easy to let every insult thrown Michael’s way pass. So Squip does the obey thing again, but it’s different.
– “Michael, you have to obey and feel. If you want to be popular, repeat after me.” The Squip says, and Michael nods excitedly. “Hell yeah, I can do that dude!” Michael grins, obviously not getting it, but happy to comply. “Oooohhh, everything about you makes Jeremy want to die.” The Squip grins at the blank look Michael gives him. “What? No! That, that isn’t-” ��Aren’t you doing this whole thing to change? For Jeremy?” Jeremy, what a pathetic boy. Soon enough, though, Michael will focus on something entirely different then that loser. Michael nods and obeys, his voice cracking. After another round of that, the Squip speaks again. Michael is so confused because, is that true? Does Jeremy truly hate him? “But Michael Mell, soon you’ll tell, that if you obey well, if you obey well.” The Squip clasped his hands together. “Everything about you is going to be wonderful!”
In the background, people sing.
“Jeremy’ll love everything about you!” –
That’s when the Squip messes with his vision, and every time Michael sees Jeremy, Jeremy “ignores” him, (but of course it’s the Squip fucking around and it’s not actually Jeremy), and Jeremy is forgotten. The Squip convinces Michael that Jeremy is a worthless prick who is nothing but a dick, and that he can find much better people who can hang with such a cool guy like Michael. Soon enough, Jeremy is out of their daily self-deprecating sentences. The Squip makes Michael completely self-dependent on him, so Squip does his usual “Everything about you makes me wanna die,” instead of “Everything about you makes Jeremy wanna die.” After enough convincing, Michael gets the upgrade. Then, Michael starts going through the “rungs of popular.” First Brooke, then Jenna, then Madeline, etc. etc. This AU is called “Be Less Chill,” because while Michael was too okay with saying shit about himself and changing himself, he also makes it seem like he doesn’t give a fuck about the girl he’s with and that sex is no big deal, to which the Squip is frustrated about. Then it’s about time the Halloween party rolls down.. We know all about that, but what the fuck is happening with Jeremy? Jeremy over time: “Michael! Hey, wanna listen to old music while playing Apocalypse of the Damned when high?” “Michael, why are you ignoring me?” “Dude, um. I heard you cheated on Brooke, man, what the fuck? That’s so not cool - nor is ignoring me.” “Mr. Big, bad, and popular! Talk to me, for once!” “To think you were my favorite person. You never even said I was yours, either.” “‘More than survive,’ what bullshit. Now I can’t even just ‘survive’ anymore.” “I already know what it’s like to be the loser. I should find out what it’s like to not be the loser.” (Aka Jeremy is in the bathroom when Rich set fire to Jake’s house and is going to let the flames burn him, but he passes out from the smoke, and Jake is like “Jeremy dying? I thinketh the fuck not.” So he’s okay.) Then, the Squip thinks it’s time to start the next part of his time. He mentions all The Pitiful Children, saying that everyone will be nice to each other from now on and no one has to worry about anything. Michael agrees to it, and regrets it soon after. Remember Jeremy signing up for the play? That’s still a thing, though Michael comes to watch one of his many girlfriends instead of saving Jeremy’s ass. Then everyone is all of a sudden Squipified, and Michael panics because he doesn’t have his usual Mountain Dew Red. But then Jeremy shows up with Mountain Dew Red. Michael is all like, “How’d you know about Mountain Dew Red?” “I almost died at the Halloween party and had to go to the hospital. Me and Rich had a lot of time to talk, let’s just say.” That’s all I have rn- Oops. Welp, at least I got this out.