#that i don't rlly WANT to subject myself to reading them!!!!!

[kenobihater]

i am this close to orphaning five of my dusty old ass star wars oneshots, and one longfic i abandoned after the 1st chapter. i've only orphaned one work in my life before, a haikyuu fic i wrote at like 14 or 15 which sucked major dick and balls and i don't regret doing so at all tbh. i'm still somewhat hesitant bc ik some ppl might still like my sw writing and want more of it?? but i'm SO goddamn tempted bc it's not like they'll be deleted and i'm absolutely 100% over a lot of these works and don't even like seeing them on my page or rlly want them connected to me. like, i'm grateful i wrote and posted them bc it helped me improve my craft and the feedback grew my confidence, but it's to the point where i cringe whenever i get an email notif in my inbox concerning kudos or comments on them bc being reminded of their very existence annoys the hell out of me when i've objectively improved over years of practice ughhh

[prettyboykatsuki]

i shy away from cnc— bc a lot of writers dont do it in a way i can handle. i.e some do it more for shock value & graphic depictions of sexualised violence as opposed to furthering character exploration thru the lens of lust/desire & the messiness of the human condition— but i'm rlly rlly glad i gave yours a try tbh. i dont want to come off pretentious at all im just trying to be purposeful abt sending in an ask; you always have a through-line in your writing. even if its just a smut scene, i can understand the "why" and it helps me get through potentially difficult reads. idk if tht made sense so imma stop here

this made me howl at the moon like wolf i was so honored by it.

i dont want to diss on any writers but i do think the subject of "dark content" and what it constitutes had taken a very weird and uncritical direction for a while there and i had a similar experience. i really only got truly comfortable with writing content that dark after allowing myself to touch on the difficult and nitty gritty. that kind of thing is integral to how u handle it!!

tldr its a very complex thing to handle that subject matter but i try really hard to do exactly what you have said which is put the why at the forefront.

while cnc doesn't necessarily constitute dark content in what it is - how it is handled tonally can evoke similar emotion!! i think for kink like that in particular it is very important to cover that. kink is psychological but not in the direct way of like "if you have x trauma you have x kink" but in specific kinks sort of cater to deep needs you have and meet them in this very round about way. the human mind is a terribly messy place akjdksd

i wont get into why i think shouto is into cnc or this will become very long but it makes me really glad that the way i touch on and explain these desires through texts makes it easier to read and handle.

ultimately i always want people to understand what a desire can look like so they can't empathize with it even if they don't share it!! to me thats what really good dark content does, especially erotica. rlly that goes for any erotica - being able to show the appeal well enough that anyone can read and go hm. interesting.

[thatonebabybat]

Okay. Long rant ahead, but... I'm bothered by those ppl who use "SaYiNG GoTH IS A MUsIc SuBCULtUrE IS ABLEISt BC DEaF PeOpLE CaN'T LIStEN TO It--" as a reason for why they think they can call it an aesthetic or a fashion style. Like.

1. Blind people can't see aesthetics so what are you getting at here exactly?? Is liking aesthetics bad because some people can't see them? Your own logic is working against you here tbh..

2. The people saying this generally aren't deaf and therefore probably shouldn't be speaking for the deaf community. (I don't intend to either, so if you're deaf and reading this and there's something you'd like for me to correct or work on, please feel free.)

3. I'm sure most goths would be chill w a deaf person hanging out w them as long as they understand the history and are participating in the community in some meaningful way. Like, they might not be able to hear the music, but they may still be able to read/appreciate the written lyrics, or maybe they can't hear the music but they still enjoy clubbing and like participating in goth nights… And there are still deaf music artists so that's always an option too- Plus, some deaf people can still like music on occasion bc hearing aids have gotten really advanced, so to lump them all together as being completely unable to enjoy it at all is strange… There's a lot of ways a deaf person could still be able to chill in a music subculture. I don't think anyone is intentionally excluding deaf people from the scene. I would like to think most people would be understanding in that specific scenario.

..Doesn't explain why an able-bodied person with access to as much music as they could ever possibly want through the internet gets to totally ignore it though. I think it says a lot that these people are aware of their privilege to be able to listen to music and participate in the community in that way, but instead decide to use disabled people as a shield for why they shouldn't have to put in even a tiny bit of effort before claiming a 40+ year old subculture for themselves. They don't actually care about making goth more accessible, if they did they'd be subtitling music videos, or posting the lyrics and translations of goth songs to lyric sites, or making more efforts to make goth events more comfortable for disabled people… But no. It's just about them.

4. Even if someone decided being goth wasn't for them because they were deaf and couldn't hear the music, no one is saying you're a lesser person or "bad" somehow for not being a goth. Like. Deaf people can be goth. But becoming a goth isn't a requirement. If it's not your thing it's not your thing, but it does mean a lot to the people who have been in the subculture for a long time. If you like the fashion and not the music, just use another word for it (alt/darkalt is a personal favorite of mine, but there's other tags you can use too) and call it a day, no one's judging you for that. It's not like people who don't like goth music can't express themselves with fashion or moodboards, I'm fine with that. I like doing that myself. Just don't call it goth if it doesn't have anything to do with goth music. Don't flood a music tag with completely unrelated content. It's rlly not that hard. Idk why people get so hung up on NEEDING to use this one word for things that have nothing to do with that word. It's absurd the lengths people will go just to take over someone else's label when it's totally unnecessary.

I'd love to hear thoughts from the actual disabled community on the topic though. What do you think goths could do to make the space more accessible? How do you feel about these kinds of arguments?? I'd like to get to know more about the subject.

[iatrophilosophos]

At the end of the day I'm rlly not invested in what other ppl do with their bodies but I feel like in terms of informed consent for procedures/medication, especially anything psychiatric, it's really important to have an unbiased introduction to somebody who 1) got the thing you're thinking about and 2) hates and regrets it

Disclosure at hospitals/by providers is usually completely ass; like I'm sure you get people who are like "hey, imma be real with you about what risks & side effects exist and why you wouldn't want to do it, it's completely up to you" but most of the time it's like "here's what we're gonna do for you, read and sign this and we'll set it up" or (I think perhaps more insidious) "I have to tell you there are risks, but I'm invested in your wellbeing and I genuinely believe this is the best shot" (Drs appealing to their own authority and care and setting you up such that any dissent is an implicit argument about their expertise and care. Nasty!). Neutral informed consent *basically doesn't exist*

Idk I really fucking wish I hadn't been subjected to the shit I was but I got myself into psych meds by buying the story that it would Help(tm) (unspecified) ("make you feel like yourself again!") hook line & sinker, and unfortunately that also includes the fun little caveat that anybody who tells you different is an Evil Bigot who wants to take away Everyone's Meds and thinks you just need to Try Harder--and that extra little bit of coercion on top of how """"informed consent"""" is treated by Most of the establishment as an annoying speedbump the docs have to pass over instead of an Essential Part Of Fucking Medicine basically means informed consent doesn't fucking exist.

I don't wish someone had told me "no you can't do that". People DID and I fought through them--more force wouldn't have fixed anything!!! I also don't think you should HAVE to sit with somebody who regretted it to like get a fucking procedure--shit like that DOES happen for transition or abortion and it sucks, and also, (edit: perisex, addmittedly iunno how much intersex ppl face psych/med incarceration as a point of coericion to recieve medical intervention) transgender people aren't being kept in JAIL until they agree to transition so like. It's maybe worth counterbalancing that fucking pressure a little bit by developing a culture where the checks you do before agreeing to or ideally seeking a medication include "how badly has this gone for other people, and does that feel relevant in any way to my situation?", whatever answer that question gives.

[chuuyascumsock]

i swear to god bro i think my delusions possessed me for a second when i called my friend chuuya 😭😭 ANYWAYS

let's talk about highschooler chuuya again because i hate school!!!

i don't think chuuya isn't much of a student-leadership (like student council) kind of guy in school. but then he gets recommended to be one anyway so he just goes along w it.....

me personally i feel like chuuya is quite a well-known student, considering he's probably on the school's team and participates in championships and leagues and shit... and he gets into fights often with a few people... (cough cough dazai)

NOW FAV SUBJECTS!! i think he likes science and pe!!! in pe, he is THAT mf who is a TRYHARD (but he's insanely good). this fucker will motivate his team to do their best and screams "CATCH THE FUCKING BALL" at them 🥰🥰 he'd def check up on them if one of them got hurt as well!!! if this was a team thing he'd def target said person who hurt them. (fighting fire with fire!!!)

as for science, i think he finds some topics super interesting and some super boring. science g ets hin confused a lil but he enjoys it!!! esp doing practicals and a bit of physics!!!! (dazai makes fun of him for enjoying it and ehm not me remindinf myself i'll have to take physics for my course soon to become an architech.... fuck no way am i becoming a doctor.) least favorite subjects, i think chuuya just hates everything LMFAO. it's just boring and doesn't interest him that much unlike science or sports. jhe doesn't like writing or just listening to take down notes and is much more of a practical person!! (he's a bit fascinated w art but he isn't that creative and his works usually look a bit poorly done despite his hard effort)

I AM ALSO A FIRM BELIEVER THAT CHUUYA'S STUDY HABITS ARE VERY INCONSISTENT!!! (same chuuya same) like he's a good student (despite getting into fights and forgetting to keep himself tidy...) and gets good grades but i feel like sometimes he just doesn't give a FUCK about studying (he finds it boring) but does so anyway because he knows that theres no way he's gonna remember all these shit equations. (hc he forgot he had an upcoming test and pulled an all nighter just to study and somehow got an A despite his lack of energy and focus to answer the questions) OH YEAH his notes are messy but as long as he remembers the important bits and can read his handwriting then he's good to go!!! (i hc chuuya's handwriting is rlly messy cursive handwriting)

when doing exams and tests i think chuuya is like. chill but STRESSED. it looksl ike he doesn't give a fuck but then u see his scrunched up sweating face when doing his paper and it looks like he just wants to rip it into shreds!!!! (he's probably done that before, though.) he's doing his best g.uys......

OVERRALL he's a good student guys (almost) !!!!!!!

(DID YOU NOTICE I BARELY SPELLED ANYTHINF WRONG IN MY ENTIR E PARAGRAPHS OF HIGHSCHOOL CHUUYA HCS OMG)

-lili/anon that cant spell

I feel like Chuuya would be the type to go “idgaf about school” but then try his best to get good grades. Nerd in disguise of a jock type of beat. Bro just wants a good education 😩

AND SPEAKING OF CHUUYA, DO I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE SMUT FIC COMING UP FOR Y’ALL??! Here’s a lil sneak peak 🤭

[tadpolesonalgae]

AHHHH u don't know how happy i am that ppl are talking abt Please... bc i remember stumbling upon that fic and seeing that it's been a while since the third part and kinda dejectedly accepting that would be the last of the fic we get 💔

u mentioned that the relationship between azriel and reader will likely not be something romantic or sexual. what kind of vibe would their relationship be in that case? because i think in that fic, ur descriptions of how they perceive each other and themselves were a bit more sensible(?) than the actual books (sorry sjm lmao) in that they both seem to acknowledge that a 500+ year gap is..... y'know.. a pretty big difference and that there's an insane gulf of just, experience in life/war/knowledge/etc due to that age gap despite how powerful reader can be with her truthtelling? powers.

for some reason i can't see them being friends? it feels more like,, a mentor-mentee type of relationship.

idk if az has actually been portrayed like that or if my brain has just convinced myself so with wishful thinking 🤭 but i think he has a somewhat? protective??? nature about reader???????? like he knows that she grew up in hewn city and under keir's "parenting" no less so he's aware what she's been taught and molded to be made into. but he also seems to know she shouldn't be in that type of environment? idk again maybe i've just been imagining things lol.

like, reader seems oddly naive and almost pure despite the cruelties she probably witnessed and been subjected to (if the implied language throughout the fic meant anything). in part 1 she allowed azriel, a 500+ y/o fae who literally pointed a knife to her face 2 seconds ago, to touch her with more or less no way to protect herself had azriel decided to do something she didn't want him to. and there's just slivers of moments throughout the fic that kinda makes u want to hug her bc girlie seems so lost abt herself and the world 😭😭 it's just very clear that she doesn't really have anyone to rely on so she latched on to the first person that showed Any ounce of human decency, and az isn't even overtly kind to her 😭 bro threatened to kill her so he could get the veritas thing and yet EVEN THEN he's still one of the nicer ppl she's met in her life (considering she trusted him enough to make the deal to have him touch her + asked him to comeback himself when returning it + doesn't hesitate when revealing potentially sensitive info + the way she subconsciously brought herself infront of his tent in part 3)

ALSO have reader and mor interacted with each other at all throughout her life???? i'm assuming they're sisters through keir (probably half sisters? idk if this has been addressed in the fic it's been a while since i've read it). i ask bc i can't imagine mor or even rhys would've just let her grow up in hewn city alone knowing how it was like for mor. so i've been assuming that keir probably hid reader or kept her sheltered to some degree before she reached a certain age or started to become useful to him with her powers, and at that point it was kinda too late for the ic to intervene or smth. now i'm wondering if reader harbours any resentment or emotion towards mor and/or rhysand, or if it's more of a disinterest like "that's someone that's apparently related to me but i don't rlly know them so 🤷‍♀️". i think there was a moment in part 1 that indicates that reader is scared of rhy's powers and him potentially wiping her memory during the i'll-give-you-the-veritas-if-you-touch-me deal thing so maybe there isn't any familiarity between them beyond that he's high lord of the night court 🤔

anyways sorry if i just started assuming a bunch of things that weren't there in the fic but something about Please... just makes me feral and want to go into hyper analyzing mode bc the plot, her being keir's daughter, the dynamic w her and az, all of it is so interesting to me

‘i remember stumbling upon that fic and seeing that it's been a while since the third part and kinda dejectedly accepting that would be the last of the fic we get 💔’

Oh my gosh no, please always feel free to drop by and ask about future parts to fics—I often get preoccupied with cbmthy so forget I have other things that people might be here for 🫠

I’ve actually started on Part 4 for please… and have gotten some future scenes planned out if you still want more after the next chapter!🧡💛

‘because i think in that fic, ur descriptions of how they perceive each other and themselves were a bit more sensible(?) than the actual books (sorry sjm lmao) in that they both seem to acknowledge that a 500+ year gap is..... y'know..’

That’s so sweet to say 😭 thank you 🫂

Honestly with please… reader is supposed to be in a pretty bad situation but not overly concerned about it? Sure it would be nice to leave, but she doesn’t imagine that’s possible so is content to set her mind to use by guarding Kier’s trove of treasures. Then with the strict court rules (particularly for her, being kier’s offspring and also female) she point blank doesn’t have an interest in finding someone else since that’s not what she’s been raised on? So when Az comes along, sure he’s beautiful, but he’s the High Lord’s Spymaster first and foremost, probably quite a few levels above her in terms of hierarchy, but on fairly similar footing hence the wariness but not blatant disinterest on her part.

‘sensible(?)’

I’m so sorry to go on a tangent here, but I’ve never seen anyone else do the ‘(?)’ thing (I might just have an awful memory though, sorry if I do 🫢) It’s such a useful little marker, I used to use it all the time in high-school essays when I was unsure about quotes 🤦

Anyway, tangent over! Sorry!

‘for some reason i can't see them being friends? it feels more like,, a mentor-mentee type of relationship.’

I think reader craves a companion of sorts and Az is currently the closest she has to that ideal. Though I agree I can’t see them forming a friendship in the traditional sense? Maybe they might grow to that in a century or two, but like you said with the vast difference in experience I imagine it would take a while for them to reach a similar level of understanding :)

‘idk if az has actually been portrayed like that or if my brain has just convinced myself so with wishful thinking 🤭 but i think he has a somewhat? protective??? nature about reader????????’

Stop because I read through the last three parts last night to help with writing part 4 and I can’t pull their dynamic to mind at the moment 🤦

I think in part 3 though there is that scene where he looks after her a little because he sees some shards of himself in her from the angle of being made to inflict torture on someone? But after having hurt a person together, I think reader might become a little shaky around him specifically, so we’ll see what happens in part 4 🫣🧡💛

‘like, reader seems oddly naive and almost pure despite the cruelties she probably witnessed and been subjected to (if the implied language throughout the fic meant anything).’

So we haven’t really gotten to see much of that (mainly because I hadn’t intended this to be so plot-heavy but shh) but I suppose it’s more indifference to the things that happen around her rather than ignorance/her being unaware of them. I’d say it’s why she’s more blasé when Az first finds her in part one, because she knows he can’t just kill her despite having the ability to, if that makes sense?

‘she allowed azriel, a 500+ y/o fae who literally pointed a knife to her face 2 seconds ago, to touch her with more or less no way to protect herself had azriel decided to do something she didn't want him to.’

This is probably something I’ll be touching more on in part 4 and that was kind of alluded to in part 3, but with her powers of truth she’s able to get a general sense of a person. Obviously she’s still pretty young compared to other fae and has grown up in the Hewn city, so the types of people she’s encountered have been mostly the same which makes things a little difficult. However, she didn’t get the impression Azriel particularly wanted to kill her, or that he was particularly untrustworthy which is why she was so ready to make a deal with him. (That and also girlie just needed to feel something, desperately)

‘it's just very clear that she doesn't really have anyone to rely on so she latched on to the first person that showed Any ounce of human decency, and az isn't even overtly kind to her 😭’

Compared to how he can be with his family, no he wasn’t kind to her, but he wasn’t cruel to her—which, having grown up in the Hewn City, is as good as wrapping her up in a warm blanket and setting a tray full of delicious food on her lap. Although I think he’s gotten a little more gentle with her in part 3? Maybe? 😶

‘so i've been assuming that keir probably hid reader or kept her sheltered to some degree before she reached a certain age or started to become useful to him with her powers, and at that point it was kinda too late for the ic to intervene or smth.’

Unfortunately again, I hadn’t really considered this angle 😶‍🌫️

I’d have to agree with you that Kier would have kept her hidden otherwise I feel like Mor would have been right there from day one to make sure her younger sister wouldn’t have to endure what she did.

With whether or not reader harnesses any resentment toward the IC, I’d say it’s a bit of a mix? She’d scared of Rhys, as literally anyone in the Hewn City should be, considering what sort of person he becomes, but beyond fear and maybe a twinge of admiration for Mor I don’t think she has particularly strong feelings toward them :/

‘anyways sorry if i just started assuming a bunch of things that weren't there in the fic but something about Please... just makes me feral and want to go into hyper analyzing mode bc the plot, her being keir's daughter, the dynamic w her and az, all of it is so interesting to me’

It’s no problem at all!!

It might take me a while to respond to slightly longer asks is all, but if you’re fine with that then I love getting to read through these!! I’m pretty sure you’re the first person to talk about please… specifically in such depth (which is so flattering, thank you so much) so I’m really happy to have a reason to return to it and I hope part 4 will have a similar essence of what you enjoyed in the first three parts! 🧡💛

[bts-ify]

get to know me 💫 - thank you Rid @taegularities for tagging me 🧡, ah i'm doing them both at once so it's veeeery long i'm sorry

Name: C (anonymity is fun isn’t it)

Sign: gemini sun and moon, scorpio rising

Height: 169 cm so 5'6"- 5'7" i think

Time: 1:54 PM CET (RID I KNEW WE ARE CLOSE)

Birthday: june 5th

Fav Band/Artist: bts obviously but i listen to a looooot of different music, so also harry styles, bon iver, kortez and many more

Last Movie: jung_e

Last Show: full one - alice in borderland

When I Created this Blog: november 2021

What I Post: almost nothing now 😂 i reblog mostly from various creators bc they're talented af

Other Blogs: a main/personal, it's over 11 years old, my baby 🥹

Do I get asks: not really, i'm not that active and not a creator

Followers: a small handfull 🧡

Avg hours of sleep: around 8

Instrument: i've got an ukulele but i only know how to play the moon song :')

Dream job: barista and caffe owner, i'm a dietitian but i'm dropping it to learn and become a barista 🥹 used to dream about being a writer as a side job tho

Dream trip: to a bts concert 🥲

Fav songs: right now it's wab the eternal, formula by labrinth, starboy by the weeknd and the way i are by timbaland

3 Ships: i don't have them anymore... but i loved Rid's caroline forbes x klaus mikaelson too so i'll stick to it

First Ship Ever: okayyy this goes way back and it's adam lambert x tommy joe ratliff

Last Song: change pt.2 RM 🧡

Currently Reading: @taegularities for fanfics (i'm planning to sit down with candles&flames) but for books it's the housekeeper and the professor by yoko ogawa

Currently Watching: the last of us

Currently Consuming: anything that keeps me calm, i'm stressed af

Currently Craving: peace and routine 😭

Are you named after anyone? yess it's funny, both my names are after 2 girls from my sister's group in kindergarten, the prettiest one and the smartest one 😂

When was the last time you cried? just before this post, watching ep3 of the last of us, tears guaranteed

Do you have kids? nope and i'm not sure if i want them for a lot of reasons 

Do you use sarcasm? of course not, why would i, why would anyone

What’s the first thing you notice about people? in their appearance - eyes and smile, hair too; in character - if they listen to you and ask you questions, if they're calm or aggressive and if they're open-minded

What’s your eye colour? steely blue, like blue but with darker gray

Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings for sure, too traumatized to scare myself for fun

Any special talents? i'm good at making places feel like home? idk... i'm one of those that become easily good at most of the things they try, but it's probably my neurodivergence 

What are your hobbies? i started sewing and i rlly enjoy it, writing and creating stories and everything coffee-related

Where were you born? 🇵🇱 

Do you have any pets? cats living with my parents (Nala, the love of my life 😿) and now one completely black cat that's my sister's

What sports do you play/have played? used to do swimming, voleyball, martial arts but now.. i just enjoy walking

Favourite subject in school? none? but i miss maths, IT and english tbh

THAT'S IT, the most i've shared on the internet 💀 i deleted the ones that doubled

and i'm tagging jans @parkjiminxfloorpt2 because it's been sooo long and i miss her and doing this 🧡😭

[goblinrockcandy]

hey guys im BACK baby and i have some words

here are links so you can still find everything, but be wary that these links are probably gonna break any minute when i start moving everything around. lets hope i can remember to fix them and that i dont take a year to get to doing that: ARCHIVE    MY ART    OTHER ORGANIZATION TAGS

IM STILL ALIVE. i like to think that i never rlly left, but I havent posted in a damn while and part of that is because life stuff caught up with me and moreso because uhhhhhh Well im not quite satisfied with the way my blogs formatted right now, it makes posting and organizing and navigating harder than it has to be and it makes it Not Fun to post things.

SO. what we're gonna do is revamp things a lil bit. we're fucking doing this we are Making It Happen. what this'll do is itll make it easier for me to post things without having to remember every silly tag and rule i have set up here, and ill also just have a bit more of a laid-back and fun kinda art blog. i tried to do an elaborate tagging system, but MAN i am too forgetful for that.

so im just gonna keep it simple. character, fandom, content warnings, and maybe some other flavourtags. the sorts of things thatll make it easier for me to just pop up a quick drawing on even a busy day without having to go through a silly step by step process on how to tag things. because i love sharing my art and posting :)) but not so much when it is difficult </3

but hell who knows how thisll go after i reboot my bloggo. i think she was due for some maintenance for a long while. *pats the sidebar like you would soothe an agitated horse* there there girl, its gonna be alright. maybe ill even start making... casual posts? text posts? things like that??? damn Maybe.

im also gonna private some organization posts until i can properly wrangle then and sort out their kinks and oddities, and im gonna disable my blog theme for a bit. when i get a braincell on how to do an html and a css properly, THEN i can have a pretty theme. in the meantime, ill probably just set myself up with one of the tumblr defaults.

anyways. *ahem* for anyone who doesnt know me and this is their first stumble upon my blog while i move things around. feel free to click the read more if you want to subject yourself to the silliest introduction i could make for myself possible.

hi. i like to draw but lately my art skills have been a bit shakey, i think im out of practice so im probably gonna start out doing some studies. my styles and designs for characters are always changing, but lately ive been trying to cement some designs that are in my brain Onto Paper.

im goblinrockcandy but you can call me GRC if that's a mouthful (thats what i call me because i do not have time for 5 syllables). im a Knight of Heart and sometimes that gets shortened to KoH and so sometimes people call me koh. now KOH is also the chemical formula for potassium hydroxide, but no one calls me that (a real shame, it flows right off the tongue and i think its a lovely set of sounds), but potassium hydroxide also goes by another name and that is lye. so sometimes people call me lye. i don't have a name so if you want to refer to me you have to get creative or pick up my blog by the scruff of its handle like a really ugly cat and point at it and say "this motherfucker right here".

same goes for pronouns. my pronouns are none/applicable. you gotta BE CREATIVE if you want to refer to me... pronouns are a crutch. they were your training wheels and now im the final boss. you have to fight me with your other words, this is what you have been training for.......

im trans queer person of colour, painfully unfunny and addicted to bad jokes, and i love homestuck. my faves switch up every once in a blood moon but right now i really fuckin love jake english. you might have discerned that by the very subtle hints of I talk about Him all the time & dirt striber avatar.

[doodleybugg]

i. apologize for the inactivity guys. i had a rlly bad episode recently and although im back rn i can't promise how long i'll stay JDBDHD

ANYWAYS how about we have a little update? (triggering topics such as sh, ed, etc descriptions will be in red, bold text! i'll try to keep most of the negative stuff at the bottom but no promises :/)

so i forget how long i've been gone exactly, i remember logging in some rare occasions to like and reblog a couple posts but otherwise i've been extremely M.I.A (pun very much intended) and honestly that's been a bit stressful for me.

i've had a LOT of drama in classes. yeah that's right, ya girls in uni now! and i am failing SO BAD. it's rlly hard going to school everyday, like i hate it i just wanna go back to working at a shopping mall or smth lol. but hey the map of my cities kinda set up well, being the uni is right next to a lake, and on the other side is a parking lot w mcds, circle k, chatime, etc. and next to the parking lot, like legitimately across the street, is my house. i moved back in with my mom cuz rent was getting too steep, and honestly id rather be on the streets lol

probably the biggest update ihave; i'm a did system. i got the diagnosis early december, and with a shit ton of research and help from friends who have the disorder because the doctors are no help, i'm getting comfy with the label.

if you're not sure what did (disassociative identity disorder) is, it's basically a disorder which defines the presence of two or more different persons in your mind, alike to multiple personality disorder. again, i'm not a professional, and you'd think my doctor would have given me a run down on why it meant before he diagnosed be but here's how it went:

me: hey, so i haven't looked much into the subject, but my one friend who has did was telling me about their experiences and they lined up with a lot of mine. i think i might want to go about being tested

doc: mia. you don't need to get tested, it's already in your file. we've spoken about this before?

me: ...i don't think we have?

doc:

me: so you're saying you diagnosed me with did and didn't even tell me about it?

doc: well, at least you're aware now, right?

yeah. so that's two doctors i've gone through in the past three years. i didn't throw a stressball at this one, but fuck i wanted too!!

anyways, i guess i should introduce some of my alters :)

i'm mia (she.they.fae.), the host and little, i identify with how the body looks.

enzekai (he.they.it) is the co-host and caretaker, as well as the first alter i purposefully made. kai has many sources, but his main is actually an oc of mine, cairo!

and dwelle (it.she.boo) is our resident trauma holder and nonhuman. she formed recently while i was splitting and hasn't had much time in the front. her main sources are casper from girl in pieces and cassie from skins.

i'll give everyone a better intro but i'll save that for another post!

i have gotten absolutely zero progress done in my book, the toll it takes, and i find it harder and harder to write anything but immensely sad poetry anymore. on the rare occasions i can make up some headcanons but i don't think i'll be able to write any (good) fanfics for a while now, sorry

okay, onto the bad stuff. if anything listed is triggering or unappealing, please don't read ahead: ed (anorexia), sh (cutting, self sabatoge), anxiety and depressive thoughts, suicide mentions, death mentions, and otherwise explanations of feelings like abandonment and lonliness that while, in retrospect wasn't nearly as bad as i thought so, can still be upsetting just to read.

you've been warned

recently, as mentioned above, i've just gotten out of an episode; a bad one. by gotten out of, i mean i've attached myself to select people and depend entirely on them to keep me from self harming or starving. and that's completely unfair, so i've been trying to recover. my friend @my-elysian-love is helping me immensely to eat full meals and reminding myself that i don't deserve what i think i do. i'm so eternally grateful and i can never repay any of them back <3

before my choice to try recovering though, it was getting worse. i weighed 68 pounds at 19 years old. a couple nights ago, i've cut deeper than i ever have before, and i've been stuck with this sinking feeling in my stomach that i can't quite explain. i took out all my bad feelings on people i knew and loved, and when they finally held healthy boundaries and left me to my own devices so i couldn't hurt them, i took everything out on myself. i know, real remus lupin move haha.

but that wasn't fair. and even now i still feel bad, i still hate myself for what i said and did, for how i acted and it scares me how easily people are forgiving me. because i said some messed up shit while i was splitting, and that's not an excuse. and i just keep thinking it's only a matter of time before i blow up again, and maybe i'll be worse next time. maybe people won't come back, and i can't honestly blame them because i'm fucked. and as scared as i am, i'm grateful. or maybe it's just selfish. selfish because i just hate when nobodies around for me to love, to love me back. but i'm still terrified. it's hard to change up my thinking, but i'm trying. i'm trying rlly hard and i just hope that it's enough.

i'm a couple hours clean for self harm, and yesterday i didn't technically eat a full meal like i was supposed too (my older sister got mad at me and wouldn't let me eat anything). i had multiple cookies, a fruit roll up, two cups of tea, a packet of uncooked ramen noodles, a bite of a chicken finger and also i drank water! just water! for the first time in a while.

i hate that it took me fighting with everyone i loved to the point where i didn't even need to push them away anymore, they went willingly, and having multiple panic attacks in public restrooms to finally start on the road to recovery. it is so fucking hard, it's really hard. but fuck, it's worth it to see my friends happy. to not detect worry in their eyes and to believe it when @my-elysian-love says they love me (again i'm so sorry for spamming you aaa). it's worth it to finally eat cinnamon buns again, and drink tea with real sugar, not cal free sweetener. i get a shit ton less headaches cuz i don't constantly need to count cals anymore, and i haven't passed out of dehydration in 2 whole days. ik people without eds are probably like "wtf is this bitch on about?" and that's what i'm talking about. recovery is never the same as sobriety, but it's the next best thing. and i might still struggle with my body or cover up with baggy clothes sometimes but at least i'm alive to do so. cuz a while ago i was too close to death.

i attempted to kill myself again. this time by starving and eating a buncha pills. i'm lucky cuz it didn't work, and i'm still alive. i can only think of what would've happened if it didn't work. if the last. thing i did was tell someone i loved and cared about that i didn't care if they were dead. that the last thing i did was get mad at them for feeling for someone else the same way i felt for them. yk, bpd moments ✨. but i'm glad i lived to apologize and now i'm trying to recover. and ig that's all the updates i have rn

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary146

2/7-8/2024

wednesday - thursday

off tomorrow, and tonight is my friend's birthday.

my friend, the girlfriend of my other friend. i'm not going though. it's just not a good time, i guess. i feel bad about it, like pretty bad, i hope she's having a good time, but too much is going on rn, scary or whatever, i need to keep everything stable for myself, if i don't work will get worse. i'm just nervous at these early stages, idk what i can really get away with.

anyway, i'm really in love with this music video:

it might be smarter than the song, it's a really good bit of filmmaking honestly, i love the script, the bit where the lusty cameraman goes "how many girls you been with," and the subject goes "a bunch..." and then the guy is like "lucky ladies," and the way the obvious lust and the subject interact, it's not a clear cut relation, there's a strange giving and taking, it's very dirty and weird, and the sadness passing over/through the man being objectified, it's so strange. it feels pretty unique to me.

did something weird, i just listened to the whole cocoron ost, i haven't thought about this game in a very long time. i discovered it because of eversion, an early internet horror game, it's like an nes platformer with BLOOD and DEATH and it's actually really cute and good, i think the game is super awesome actually, it really inspired me as a kid, when i watched a playthrough of it. anyway, that game lifts the cocoron ost, and i watched a playthrough of cocoron as a kid, i wanna play it now kinda, might be good. nes music rlly is cool, sometimes, they tried a lot of weird stuff, it makes sense a lot of people heard that and decided to make it like, grindcore/punk eventually, the noises are so piercing at times, it kind of begs to be screamed over, + the inherent sarcasm in doing that, and then it also sorta overlaps w/ the whitebelt stuff, weirdness of tones when creating music, weirdly colorful sounds for fucked up loud music.

for instance:

i've posted this before i think but this song is great, i love it so much. and i love the color. a perfect aesthetic touch point for me.

another fun one:

i also started looking at spritesheets tonight, just cuz it seemed fun, in the cocoron ost desc the uploader linked a site w/ sprite rips. reminds me of when i was ripping stuff out of ps1 and dreamcast games. i got a lot of stuff out of one game, sengoku turb on dreamcast, i should put some of that here, really cute artstyle i think, one of my fav looking games ever:

crazy looking game, i'm glad it has a sequel out there, also on dreamcast, they seem like pretty obtuse and random games, i miss the whole feverdream thing that could come out on consoles, illbleed, stretch panic is another similar game to me, even katamari on some level, though it's also way indebted to some other stuff, and killer7 is also in the maybe similar but i understand its particular history way better i think, the angura movement in japan offering a kind of springboard for the game's design i feel like, where it absorbs old forms and sticks them right beside the 'new,' as many of those plays had done, to channel something strange, to bring forth the negative and inconclusive, or maybe not inconclusive, just concluding things positivist works could not arrive at.

after finishing wiseblood i am unsure what to begin reading, i have discipline & punish beside me now, the foucault book, but maybe i need to stick with fiction, and just do agua viva by lispector. that might be good... we'll see. also quibbling over if i should try mixing a bit tonight.

also, we finally have real wifi, and it's like the old place, i am happy with it, it's pretty fast and stuff, so that's good.

all the videogame and nes music talk is making me think about how loud i've made the chip synths in my songs, and if i want them to be more prominent or not. it shouldn't be too big a deal, as long as they're there enough, you know.

now i am looking at closet child...dangerous, cuz i will get my heart broken over something i don't get but idk.. soon i really may be able to buy something, and then i will be sooo happy.

i am opening ableton now, i should do my night routine now and try and get the mix right quickly and just go to bed.

i did it, and there's just a couple things that i think i'll end up having to do to that song, cut some lows in the vocals, just a tiny bit more, and drop by 1-2b, raise the left channel guitar up by 1 db, and then maybe cut some of the low lows in the bass. that should do it on that song i think, but i might decide to just come back to it after the full listen w/ the rest of the songs to hear it in context. that leaves 3 more songs on this list, i should try and get them as right as possible, and then listen to the album, w/ some of the new songs i've got with vocals laid down, which there's a few, actually, and then i will see what i need to do, if any songs should be cut, anything like that, and if there's room for anything else. what there isn't room for, or even whatever there is, i need to go and write down the names of the project files i need to finish, just so i can mess with them sooner or later, maybe an ep of stuff i'm still attached to, and stuff.

but i am beat now,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[charnelhouse]

Idk how else to talk to the ppl replying to my ask you answered about why you are chill with incestual ships, but I wasn’t trying to be mean that’s literally why I said “ I don’t mean to be mean” bc I don’t I’m just curious ? Bc me n a lot of other people have went through CSA our entire childhood with family members and are just ??? Why do people willingly find two relatives in a relationship or ship attractive even if it’s a fictional ship with fictional characters, I’m not trying to make you or anyone “see the light” or tell you you’re gross for liking it literally it’s just curiosity that I asked because I keep seeing posts about it with ppl writing rlly weird stuff under it which to me sounds a lot like them fetishizing incest like the entire sexual side of it and a part of me just wanted to understand why people are liking this and thinking this is any different to idk incest porn videos n all that which I bet they think is gross but then somehow think shipping from a fictional show is okay? I’m sorry if im being confusing or coming across as rude/horrible I’m trying not to be and I love you as a writer, u write amazingly I just wanted your opinion on this that’s all

Honestly - I'm not sure what else to say? I'm sorry if you've dealt with traumatic abuse like CSA because that's horrible, but fiction is always going to cover a number of taboo/traumatic/triggering topics. In fact, I know a number of people who have suffered abuse and have explored it in fiction in order to work through their trauma.

Like I said before, I'm not into the fact that Daemon and Rhaenyra are relatives. I am into their connection outside of that. Many relationships in GOT/HOTD are, in fact, incestuous, but I can find them interesting because no one involved is actually related. These are characters.

When I read a news article about a dad marrying his daughter, I'm disgusted. That is wrong and disturbing. I feel physical repulsion. The idea of having anything sexual with my own family is horrific and literally sends me into a place of despair.

I have written fiction involving the reader fucking Michael Myers (a flat out serial killer). I've read/seen a number of romance novels involving a step uncle or step dad. We are allowed to explore taboo subjects if we aren't hurting anyone.

I can't explain it. It's like trying to understand why someone enjoys scat play or bathing in the blood of their enemies. People loved wincest, Sansa/Sandor, hydra trash parties. The list goes on.

I find things hot in fiction that I would never want to do in real life. I love hurt/comfort fics where the mc is horribly injured and their SO makes love to them in order to make them feel better.

In real life? I'd probably need to go to the hospital, cry for days, avoid physical contact in order to heal.

Erotic fantasies don't need to be sex ed material and romance novels should not double as relationship advice.

If other people can speak to this, I would appreciate it. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself correctly.

[hua-fei-hua]

sometimes posting fic is just shouting into the void hoping that someday, someone hears it years later and says thank you

[codes]

Hi Matthew 😺 omg I'm so happy i stumbled upon someone else who likes shu knights and Tsumugi. Tsumugi is also one of my favorite characters i don't know why i don't list him in my about anymore... It's for real so messed up that Tsumugi exists i think if the people who call eichi a war criminal actually read and understood the Tsumugi chapters where natsume confronts him after the Valkyrie execution + the scene where he burns all records of the war they would not know peace. What's your favorite Tsumugi moment :)? Let me try to come up with some more questions aummm. What's your favorite knights story? Have u read lionheart and if yes what do you think about it? What do you think about shu and nazuna (i know i have "i like shunazu" in my about so i just want to add a disclaimer that i like it as a failed broken relationship only I'm not completely crazy) okay bye now good luck at the hospital 😺!

HI ANGIE!!!! 🐣 -relaxing w u under our parasol-

This became long so I’m putting it under a cut I hope these work bc I’m on mobile

I LOVE THAT WE HAVE SIMILAR FAVES I usually feel like I have a rlly weird combination of faves like there’s a concerning amount of red flags there and idk if I’d even follow myself. Put in ur about that Tsumugi is ur fave but he’s like a test subject to u.

Related to the Tsumugi thing but before engstars was released I wasn’t too concerned about ppl not knowing ! lore bc u can technically enjoy !! without it but then I froze up in bed two days ago bc I realized that nobody would know about meteor impact, no one has read the main story, no one has read element, MILKY WAY, MARIONETTE, CHECKMATE. which isn’t essential reading but it rlly does expand your understanding of the characters and their growth (when akira decides that it matters, i hate that man). I saw someone say that eichi manipulated Tsumugi into following him which was endlessly funny like Tsumugi did all of that himself like he knew damn well what was happening. This was literally him watching it all go down.

He’s OUR problematic fave.

Unmmm fave mugi moment… HARD CHOICE but it’s not a particularly popular scene and I don’t have a screenshot on me (I checked :[ ), it’s the one where Tsumugi is talking to Izumi and he’s like “I really admire you for being able to talk to someone who so clearly hates your guts ^_^” and Izumi gets Pissed. If I ever find it I’ll probably post it bc it pleasantly cheeses me

I DONT KNOW IF I HAVE A FAVE KNIGHTS STORY im a failure of a stan bc college had been rlly busy and I couldn’t read a lot of them before they were snapped out of existence but for now it’s checkmate but there’s a good chance that’ll change since now I have time to read more. And I haven’t read lionheart -gripping the soil and letting the tears run down my face- i want to read it so bad.

SHUNAZU I saw that and i was like woaahh bc there’s so many ways that it can go and I don’t think it’s particularly popular (or maybe I’m wrong and I just haven’t rlly looked around). I have a lot of thoughts about Shu but none of them are normal. My friend rlly likes nazuna so I enjoy him vicariously through her. Shu and nazuna together in the same room tho hrmmm I like the thought of them meeting me in like a grocery store and Shu wants to hide in the bathroom. I think what happened between them is tragic and one time my friend said exvalk was their height and now their music is missing that vital piece that they once had which is an interesting take but I see it more like what happened was necessary for the both of them. They wouldn’t have grown either musically or as people if they stayed together in their unit. I think exvalk was the peak of their lowest moment but i might be wrong, i just like Saying whatever. Booo Get this loser off the stage!!! -throwing tomatoes at Matthew-

I wish I had more to say but that’s rlly my take on it for now :)

[ceramicdove]

DEAR DOVE (explodes u in a mircowave) i was reading a nonfiction collection of articles on psychiatry and i was wondering if u liked reading nonfiction urself!

personally i love writing nonfiction the most because its easy to write about the world and argue about things but fiction requires a lot more of u thinking and having to unpack stuff! in fact as a child i rlly enjoyed reading encyclopedias, although i rarely absorbed it proper.

anyways enough of me,, do u have a favourite non fiction topic of interest or whatever!

DEAR LAB (explodes into a massive pile of glitter and confetti, subsequently setting the countertop on fire)

I do read non-fiction! I generally take more to other types of writing, but I did also grow up perusing encyclopedias, magazines, history books, textbooks, etcetera. so I regard it fondly in one way or another. I sometimes enjoy deep-diving for obscure academic papers when I'm in a brunt and want information on a specific subject, though it usually takes more time to digest due to higher-level technical language that I'm not familiar with as a high-schooler. I still find that it's worth it.

it's almost like a game when I hunt for things sometimes because it's interesting to see how obscure of a topic I can find: I start at something relatively basic and end up at papers specific enough that I'm not even sure how they exist (but I'm grateful). A recent example of this is a paper I found called "Exploring post-irony through narratives of love and suffering in VRChat" and, well, it's exactly what the titles says it is. I've yet to finish reading it, but I went crazy the moment I even saw that somebody would write such a deep article on a Steam VR game where people with 3D anime girl avatars go to scream at each other.

I occasionally dabble in reading self-help, but I interact with academic non-fiction the most.

I'm not sure if I can say I have a particular topic of interest, though in recent times I've been occasionally reading papers on cultural norms, traditions, historical evolutions and differences, and I have taken a liking to it. I also started (and need to continue) reading up on philosophy, death, mourning and other similar concepts (and especially how we as humans have interacted with death across time and space). It's not even just non-fiction, one of the recent books I picked up is a poetry collection about death from a local writer. This is something I made myself do due to two projects I have that both follow death as relevant themes: I wanted to make sure I can cover it in a way that goes beyond the surface level. I don't know if I can call this a Favourite Topic Of Interest, though, because it's actually quite an upsetting and suffocating thing to read about, at least for me, but I know I have to do it. Maybe this is exposure therapy of some sort.

And I like journalism! Before my English exam I actually forced myself to read a lot of British journalists just to pick up new language and get more used to Their Way of writing, since we study British English and therefore have to utilise it during exams (yuck). But it was fun, and I appreciate how certain journalists and researchers have a very fascinating way with words that almost feels narrative.

Regarding actually writing it, it's fun in its own way. I used to do it back when I was doing debate and had to write notes, reports, speeches and case files. It required me to read anything from entry-level articles on Google to more advanced papers and official government documents depending on the motion. It was fun compiling and sourcing all of that information! And it was fun gaining new knowledge. Nowadays a chunk of my classmates rely on me to guide them in writing non-fiction for our classes because they deem me to be good at it and think I have a solid vocabulary, so maybe it paid off a bit.

But ultimately, I'll always lean towards creative forms of writing. I can't sustain writing non-fiction for too long without feeling like my brain is shriveling up into a raisin.

[shadyteacup]

Hi, I really have no clue how to puts words on my thoughts so ig I shall start by apologising I kinda have nobody to talk, I've read your writings for a while now and I always love them so it kinda ended up like a safe place even if that may sounds weird? I've been feeling really down, idk since when maybe 5 or 6 months or even more I don't really realise. My mind has been sm of a mess I don't know how to deal with it anymore I worry over deaths of beloved, insecurities, weird dreams or disturbing thoughts, studies, future and relationships or just interaction with others. I've always had to bottle up those feeling and this issues bc my parents(I'm a minor) always said seeing a psy was for weak or crazy people (ngl I wanted to punch them) so I didn't get any help. The only thing I'm holding to stay sain all seem to fly away, I can't get rid of the past and I'm scared of the future, where everyone would be deconnected and nothing would be real anymore. I know that's dumb and childish to worry over such things and it's like I keep walking to a wall my mind created and then one day I'll crash into it, lost the person I love the most, I will be all alone forever and nothing could fill me. Idk how to talk to other too, I end up cracking some jokes and make fun of what scares me bc i'm afraid of their reaction, they're gonna laugh at me and distanciate from me and I'll be all alone bc socialising with other hard .I've seriously asked myself if I should end my days, thinking it would be the only way to put my mind at ease, to fully relax and don't worry over a single thing. I want to see again those I've loved and still love. If I care for the whole world why don't anybody look up for me? I'm a coward so I can't even handle this by myself and take a decision alone but I acknowledge that so I'm not even ashamed anymore. There again I sincerely apologise for venting to u about my whole issues and on heavy subjects with a poor English and sm mistakes that I would feel ashamed to read what I just wrote.

At least I wish you a good day/night, that everything goes well for u and by the occasion I wanted to tell you how i love your writings and your blog is really amazing for me <3

Hi

I know I took long to answer this, and by now you've probably given up any hopes of getting an answer back

But it took so long because I was going through this too, and every time I tried answering, it ended up triggering me.

There was a time when I was suicidal myself.. idk if I should call it that, because I never acted on it, but yes, constant thoughts of wanting to off myself did flood my mind back then.

In fact, I felt that way exactly during the time period of receiving this ask, making it rlly hard for me to help u..

uk, in Hinduism, there's a saying that goes, "if you want to help others with something, practise it yourself first"

There's a whole story about how this God, who loved eating malai/makhan (sort of like cream, made from milk- but that's not the point), was approached by a mother, who asked him to help her son quit his own malai addiction. She wanted him to do something about her son's addiction. So He asked her to give him 10 days to solve the problem.

After said time, He came back to the duo, and simply said, "Stop eating so much malai, son, its not good for your health." to the son.

You know why He took 10 days? He tried to end his own addiction, first. Because in order to help others, you must help yourself first.

And, unfortunately, my 10 days aren't over yet. But every time I come across your ask in my inbox, I yearn to be able to do something about it. Because I want to help you, but im not qualified to do so.

Just remember that there are other people going through what you have gone through/ are going through, and that you are not alone.

Yes, maybe talking to a therapist might help you, but if your parents aren't allowing you to do so (ik, adults can be dumb about such things), search for therapists online. Im sure there are free consultations available online. Or even better, if your educational institute provides a student section, you can talk to them. I'm pretty sure most of the institutes today have a psy available for students to talk to. Make the most of it!

As for the suicidal thoughts, remember how valuable you are. Your life isn't a fickle thing to give up on so easily. In the end, you are your own strength and best friend. Talk to yourself, be kind to yourself, and most importantly, be truthful.

Wanna know how I overcame my intrusive thoughts? I talked to myself. Literally, I sat in front of a mirror and talked. At first, it felt a little weird, but you know, after a while, I found comfort in that. I became my own therapist, and helped myself out of it. This was tough, since due to the pandemic, everyone from my family was home, but I still managed to lock myself away in my room for some time. And I used to whisper, or talk softly so as to not let anyone know what im doing.

u n I were going through the same thing, but I hope its all in the past for you<3

again, im truly sorry that I couldn't muster up the courage to answer this earlier, and I hope this helps you.

and remember, I care about you, n so do your parents. they might say no to a therapist, but they care about you, and love you. You never know, maybe they themselves went though something similar earlier in their lives, but didn't know how to vent it out. Parent are sometimes grown ups who don't know how to perfectly handle a situation, so they do/say what they have been taught to do/say in such situations. Society can make seeking therapy a taboo, or a big deal, and maybe they don't know how to see beyond that. Don't hate them for it, but do remember to never make the same mistake when you grow up... I really do care for u, n truly love you, so pls, take care of urself

[tartagliaxx]

god, i just absolutely loathed going to school at that time. and my class was also rlly competitive, especially with ppl that have higher grades. i was someone who had higher grades in some particular subjects (maths and english), and they always asked me what result i got. they never rlly topped my grade since i was ahead of them at that time, but now whenever i see someone with a higher grade than me, that competitive instinct flares up again. if i can't get higher than them, i feel disappointed and frustrated with myself. i suppose in a way, i've become dependent upon results to prove my worth? hence why i hate even getting less than an A. idk, it's just a rlly toxic thing that i continue to divulge in.

and i wish i could've had your school hours. i spent most of my time studying when i was younger that now i'm just gaming/reading 90% of the day bc i want to escape reality for a while.

thank you for your insight, almighty one :D i'll keep it in mind and try to apply it into my next work! and i don't think i have a solid writing style that is mine yet, which is fine i think, since i'm still exploring and writing. it's always fun to get someone's input since it reveals smth abt the other person, especially if that other person is more experienced :DD

i think the next work is gonna be your birthday writing, i dunno if you're gonna like it much, but i'll try bc i feel like it's gonna be a long one. i wanna try and explore more of ch*lde's soft side with his family, but he's simultaneously such a complex and easy character to pin down??? actually, him and albedo are hard to write for. i want them to stay as close to their canon selves as possible, but whenever i read back whatever i wrote, i feel like it's more fanon based than canon

— r. anon

the first paragraph is literally me like two years ago lmfaoo. nowadays i lost motivation to study so im just ‘whatever goes, comes ig’. i do my best but im not as hung up on my grades as much. altho, i still have the desire to punch that one guy who keeps challenging me as if we’re in an anime or smth.

i still dont have a concrete style either and i dont think i will ever have one lol. my interests change, the writing i like change, i change everyday and it reflects so much on whatever i write. its always fun to look back and see how different your writing became. still, i hope that my insights only revealed good things lol. also wont say im more experienced bc trust me im not

as you can see i have a type. my type is ‘complex characters that i cant read through’ aka ‘borderline pure evil but not really.’ no one can blame anyone if the content is leaning towards fanon bc the canon info is still pretty limited. i alr appreciate your efforts so dw too much abt it :))