#thats a joke i never slept with any of my cousins

[iesharael-blog]

Darksouls - 3/16/19

my ex had given me his games to play via steam link back in February and ive been loving darksouls 3 so much that someone bought me my own copy. last week me and him started talking again after he stayed with me during an anxiety attack. heres the highlights:

-I wanted a day a week where we’d catch up just to stay in contact: weve talked every day and other than the past I think 3 days I wouldn't talk unless he initiated and I didn't pry when he would stop answering

-he warned me that he “plays by extremes and very black and white” (I know) and that he will be cold to me:I understood but somethings he said after that hurt... including when I asked about hanging out in person in the future and a fair I want an excuse to go to (months from now) exerpt - 

me

my brain is like hoping for cecil county fair but i have no clue. no clue how even playing together will go

him

Pft you can go ahead and cut that one right out

me

cut out the fair? | thats like months away | also less of a i wanna hang with you and more of a i love the fair when it comes to that one lol | but i probs have work alot that week so meh

him

Hey man you make plans to go to the fairI just wont be joining

me

lol | alright | im guessing youre not a fan | im semi offended considering most of my family work at it and i think my uncle [name] runs it

him

Never been, i'm just not going to the fair with an ex, ya know?

me

i mean the plan would be that its a small group

him

Nope

me

im just not allowed (and honestly wouldnt) to go alone | i understand man

him

Don't know your peeps | Im good 

like ok cool. you were perfectly fine until this day (we started talking again 3/6/19 and this was 3/13/19) and suddenly hes just cold? 

after this I asked about what do friends do to hang out. I clarified I asked cause I only hanged out at friends houses and I was honestly curious... he shut me down and said he didn't plan to see me in person any time soon so the topic was irrelevant. then some idle chat and around 7:30 pm he said something like he was glad we were gonna play darksouls cause hes been itching to play it.the next day was the day we were supposed to play darksouls together as we planned... 

so im getting sadder and sadder thinking a bunch of scenarios and becoming super anxious. “what if hes testing me to see if I keep messaging him cause that means I probably like him? what if if I keep messaging he gets annoyed with me and doesn't want to talk ever again and blocks me? what if something happened to him??? what if I upset him last night by stopping responding????”

finally I get and answer in the form of “Im sorry im not sure if i'll be on or not. I have work shit that's going on and has bled ovee unto my night |  I'm sorry | I was really looking forward to this”

gone was the cold. there was the man I remembered in those few lines. apologetic and kind. it felt like all this time id been talking to someone else as he lays his heart out giving me a few details about what happened at work and telling me he will send me the hr report without me even asking. I was his confidant and comfort again. then came that humor I love so much as he asks me for a third toppign for his pizza and I suggest m&ms (yes I eat it like that) and he laughs and calls me pregnant then cheers when I say im not. the next morning he sent me the report and we talk about it a bit, that was Friday aka yesterday. we didn't talk the rest of the day after that cause I knew he had work and darksouls and didn't want to add to his stress. 

today around my lunch break I checked in on him knowing he was in class but also that he tends to go on his phone during. roughly 3.25 hours later he messages back saying he chilling and tired and we joke about my sleeping habits cause I haven't slept since monday night. he stops responding after a few messages so I assume this teacher doesn't let him have his phoen in class.

when I was sure he was home I messaged again and asked about playing darksouls. he said “lets give it a go” and 20 mins later we get in call. now a brief description of us playing

started a call Today at 7:17 PM 

discussion of levels and such and me asking a few questions about if I should grab some stuff from the shrine

trouble getting his summon sign to show up

we start fighting things and he tells me I shouldn't use my shield (pyro class) then starts fighting an enemy I usually killed before he went big 

comment like (oh I forgot youre cheep pyromancer) as I start throwing fire at it

he dies cause cleric class trying to tank at level 7

he tells me he doesn't really feel it today and that hes sorry and gets off

I am upset but at least while we were dealing with the summons ign stuff I got a chuckle out of him when I mentioned factorio. I understand why he didn't feel like laying after everything that's been going on but I guess I was just hoping to spend time with him in voice cause it makes me happy and im really stressed rn too. ill try again next week maybe but for now im going to give him space until he contacts me. I want to be as supportive to him as I can be all the time cause I love him.

side note I now have a new cut on my leg. its small and oblong but as wide as dime no more in its long way. not nearly as deep as the others. I got upset cause I caused my parents to argue simply cause I wanted snack wraps after church and my dad went the wrong way to get them. mother apologized to me but I will never let her know about this cut. ive gotten cut by shampoo bottles before and I wont have and chance for her to see it till summer anyway and even then that's only if I go to a pool and I hate public pools. im just gonna pass it off as a shampoo inflicted cut that I picked at and hope she doesn't see it till its a lot smaller. but I also got back in touch with the cousin I thought I lost and im thinking of trying to write some fanfics or something idk. my mind is mostly focused on my ex

[lightningbuck]

1 - 100 ;-) p.s.: suck my board bitch

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?More milk

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?No

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?Pens

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don’t drink coffee and i take my tea without sugar or milk or anything

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes

6: do you keep plants? Uh yeah

7: do you name your plants? No

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Apparently cooking and baking is a artistic medium too, so yeah that one

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Eh it differs

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? du bis so süß memmed

12: what’s your favorite planet? Pluto

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I to think about a cute message i’ve gotten from someone

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? I think it just would be messy af tbh

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! “If you fell into a black hole, you would stretch like spaghetti.”

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Pasta with tomato sauce and vegetables

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Maybe blonde or dark brown again idk

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I dont remember anything

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I have kind of a sketch book where i practice drawing

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Green

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t have any bags that i love to pieces

22: are you a morning person? Depends

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in bed and read fanfictions or watch movies

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Uhm i don’t actually know

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I’ve never broken into anything

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I think my black converse

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? I dont eat bubblegum

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? I cant think of anything 💃🏼

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. What the fuck is a white sock hell

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Sooo i slept at my friends house and we were sleeping in the same bed an in the middle of the night she hit me on the head bc she didnt know what was laying next to her

33: what’s your fave pastry? Croissants

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I had a pink rabbit that i just called rabbit and i lost it at a hotel, i was devastated

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Uh yes and yes

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? 1D, always every day

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean but its always messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves!-homophobic, sexists, and non-feminist people,..-when people don’t let other people finish speaking-being rude in general

39: what color do you wear the most? Black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? Well i was gifted a necklace with a little anchor on it on christmas once and i wear it everyday :-)

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Harry Potter(all books)

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!Don’t have one43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Uuuh my dad when i was a kid i think

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Idk lol

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I only have good puns

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Licorice

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Its the darkness

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I like it very much the last one was “Too weird to live, Too rare to die”

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? I dont collect anything

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? Blink-182 - First Date

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? That one women shouting the lyrics

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? Never watched it

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Idk tbh

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I cant think of anything

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? Their smile

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I did dramatically sing the lyrics 💃🏼

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Tbh i dont even know

59: what’s your favorite myth? Idk

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Sometimes i see poetry on my dash and think ayeee thats pretty nice

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I once gifted someone memes

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Only drink water

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I just put my books and cd in my shelf

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Light blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? My cousin

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Only daisies

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Idk what

68: what’s winter like where you live? It doesnt snow that often anymore :-(

69: what are your favorite board games? Uuh idk

70: have you ever used a ouija board? No

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Just fruit tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Yes

73: what are some of your worst habits? Uff i think procrastinating

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. I love their relationship with their partner bc their all cute together and their are one of my best friends uh yeah

75: tell us about your pets! My cat always scratches me :-(

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? I should pack my stuff

77: pink or yellow lemonade? Never had pink one

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Idc

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Just when people say “i love you to me” thats very cute

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Beige and i think i chose it idk

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school? I’m alright

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Tbh the album art of Harry Styles album just perfectly sums up my aesthetic

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I’d love to have lyrics

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Dont read it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? What are concept albums lol

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Tbh Harry Potter ayeee 🤷🏼‍♀️

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? No

89: are you close to your parents? Could be closer

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Tbh i dont have a favorite city

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? I dont eat cheese with pasta

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?Just open hair

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Uhm my best friend i thinj

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Meeting my cousin and going to my nephews birthday

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Infp, leo, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I dont enjoy it

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.I wont mind - ZaynBackseat Serenade

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Wouldnt press any of them

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?

[nuttmegg]

This is Jeremy, This is also me feeling it. I promised my friends that I wouldn’t hold it in, I wouldn’t pretend i wasn’t hurting and that I would let my heart feel it. So this is me, trying to feel it. The way I do that is through writing. I guess right now is the perfect time too, I’m vulnerable. My friends who know me, know that “feelings” aren’t my strong suit. It’s currently 3am and Im just getting home. I went out for a drink with friends and instead of going straight home I drove to my grandpa’s ranch(he doesn’t own it anymore so technically I was trespassing). I sat on the hood of the car and just watched the stars and I cried my fucking eyes out. Not just for Jeremy but for literally everything that is overwhelming me. But more about that later in another post. 

So I met Jeremy on tinder, Go figure right?! I honestly found him so extremely handsome, and thought I was being catfished so I put off meeting him for probably a whole month, lol. When I did finally decide to meet up with him, it was spur of the moment too. I was about to start my fantasy football draft, but something told me to go. So I told my cousins I was auto-drafting because date was greater then draft, haha. I meet him at the beach and we walked and talked for a good two/three hours, the sun went down on us and he kissed me on the beach. I was a good first date, we had a lot in common, football, sarcasm, etc, He even helped me finish my fantasy draft, and then got mad at my for avoiding him for so long. He told me how he was desperately looking for another person in his league and I would have been a perfect addition. “A cute girl, who can talk shit and knows football, you would’ve been perfect.” So after that football was our thing, we made a couple bets on the season and swore we would hang out once a week to set lineups, watch football or just talk shit on each others teams. And we did, maybe not every week, but we did manage to talk FF lineups and strategy every week.

We hung out a couple times in public but he was always so worried about his ex seeing him that it just complicated. I think I always kept him at a distance because I knew he wasn’t over her, and I didn’t want to be anyones rebound. I already told the story about how he ran around my apartment pretending he was getting ready for a fight, that night I watched Superbad with him, it was the first time I ever watched that movie. He gave me so much shit for it too. After that, any time he wanted to hang out he would text me “super bad and chill?” It was a joke between us, because i would sent it to him on occasion, I pretty sure we both knew what we were to each other. But we’re people with feelings as much as we tried to hide them, every time we would hang out he would stay longer, he would talk more, or when I would get up to leave he’d pull me back to him or tell me to spend the night. I only did once, that night I woke up to him wrapped around me. Mind you, he was 6′3″ and I’m 5′2″ he was literally suffocating me lol. I remember trying to be so quiet about leaving but I woke him up anyway, he told me as i was leaving “Stay with me kid, just once, don’t go to school.”  I think that was the same night he asked me if i loved him. I think that was when I started pulling away from him too. I begin seeing him less and less. That obviously didn’t stop him from bugging me constantly to hang out.(as per the snaps above) 

I got a text or snap from him pretty much every day. Even when I was in Vegas he bugged me. Thats the “you’re in love with me” snap. I remember being super drunk and responding with “you wish,” and he wrote back in a text saying “just you wait kid, you’re gonna fall in love with me.” I didn’t write back to that. I remember why too. I think after Vegas I saw him once, we went out for coffee and he told me how his ex was spreading rumors about him again. He talked to me about how he didn’t know where he wanted to move to but he wanted to leave, he even joked about following me to LA when I leave in December…”I’ll be your roommate kid, It’ll be great” ha. He seemed so lost that time I saw him, lost and heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, when we left I remember his hug hurt. It was one of those vulnerable hugs that last a long time and you can just feel it. That was the last time I kissed him. 

A couple days later The Hipster asked me to be exclusive, oh have i not mentioned that yet? The Hipster and I are exclusive! The last time I saw Jeremy was the day I was suppose to go to the Halsey concert. I didn’t go because I had been studying for exam and was on like 3 hrs of sleep, so I didn’t want to  to drive to Oakland by myself(its a 5-ish-hour drive). I walked with my lab partner to his house to hang out for a bit. I knocked out in his room, while my lab partner and him hung out. I woke up to Jeremy and Prince(his dog) making a bunch of noise. He was so sweet, “you knocked out kid! want dinner?” We ate dinner and I told him about the Hipster. He looked a little sad but sat across the table from me and asked me questions about him. He was teased me a little, tried joking about still “hanging out” even used air quotes too. Then took it back and said, “Nah Kid if you’re happy I wont fuck it up.” That was night I took my friends dog for a run, because he(my friend) was in a study group and Duke(the dog) was being an ass. lol. After my run I asked Jeremy if he could give me a ride home cause I was beat and my friend was still in class. 

He pulled his TC to the back of my apartment complex and when I was about to get out of the car he pulled me back in and hugged me. Again it was one of those hugs that you feel, like your soul hurts. He kissed my cheek and said “stick around kid? I want you to be happy, but we get along. Lets stay friends yeah?” I looked him straight in the eyes(something told to look him straight in the eyes), i didn’t realize then that was the last time i was going to see his green eyes and said “promise, promise.” I meant it too, I would’ve stayed his friend, we had even talked about being gym buddies. 

The next night I slept at the Hipsters and I woke up at like 2am from a text from Jeremy saying “wake up!” I didn’t respond cause I was with The Hipster and it was 2am! Not going to lie I was a little annoyed with him, I honestly thought i was a booty text. The next day in class I wrote back to him telling him that no one is up that late, he told me i should have been. I asked him what was up and he said he couldn’t sleep and just wanted someone to talk to. Then he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike………..I couldn’t I was in class. 

That was the day he…oh fuck I cant even type it….that was the day. He fucking went hiking and slipped off a 60ft cliff, survived the fall only to get swept away by the god damn ocean. They still haven’t found his body. Fuck this I am mess……if this is what feeling it is suppose to be. I don’t want to feel it. I could have been there!! Everyone keeps telling me that I cant blame myself, and I don’t but what if!! Im afraid of heights, i wouldn’t have let him climb up there, I wouldn’t have let him get so close to the edge. I could’ve convinced him to go to a different beach. And people keep throwing the word suicide around still, that he did it on purpose. What if me telling him about The Hipster was the straw that did it. I knew he was lost, I could tell, but I just thought he was lost becasue he was still a little heartbroken. 

And you what kills me even more! The fucking guilt I feel for grieving! Like you have no idea how stupid happy the Hipster makes me! I care about him so much, way more then I ever thought I was going to. I’ve been away from him for 5 days now and it hurts because I just want to be around him! I want to lay next to him, I want to study while he draws. I want to hold him and just breath in the mixture of smells, smoke and coffee. But how?? How am I suppose to grieve over another lover when, for lack of a better word, my boyfriend is laying next to me?? Some one please explain to me how I’m not suppose to feel guilty about that!!!!! Like Jeremy and I were never going to be a thing, The Hipster was always going to be the better man for me, but I still cared about Jeremy. He was right when he said we got along, we did. I just don’t know how to grieve without feeling so guilty. I don’t want to hurt the Hipster with my grief. Jeremy was someone I talked to almost daily, theres a void there now. That void hurts. 

I know its going to hurt for a while, but since Im home Im gonna let it hurt me. Because Night Hawk was right, I don’t want to hold it in and then have it come crashing down on me during finals. The one thing I keep wishing for is, I hope they find him. I have this spiritual connection with the Ocean, and I just cant feel the same way about it when it still has him. Just give him up, his family needs him. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about grieving with The Hipster around, that Jeremy would’ve wanted me to be happy. I know this, he told me himself the last time I saw him. I think the only person who can ease my guilt is The Hipster, and I’m never gonna tell him so I just let time heal that wound too. 

Oh so the pictures, the first one is a cropped picture of him after practice or something. Its one of the first pictures he sent me.  The second one is this one I found on his FB, and I think its perfect, it shows his silly nature. The 3rd is another one he sent me when we first started talking(he sent me a bunch but the rest are not really appropriate so those stay off the interwebs, not gonna lie I’m probably gonna delete them) Its also his contact photo lol. The last one is of course the save msg on snap. The 1st msg is him being hella aggressive becasue I kept turning him down. I have pictures of the rest of the things he sent me, he was actually being funny about it, said he would develop a stutter if i kept avoiding him lol. I already told you the “youre in love with me” story. And the last one had me rolling laughing when he sent that to me!! He had sent me a picture of him totally scene kid from HS right after that. I couldnt help but laugh. Thats the kind of friendship we would’ve had, more nonsense of that sort. 

So This is my story about Jeremy. This is also my way of grieving. 

This was Jeremy 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i just ... dont feel right inside of myself. like something is slowly leaking into my brain. yesterday i slept for a good portion of the day at his house, then went to sleep around 10pm. when i woke up yesterday it was to an alarm at 5:40. i told him the alarm had given me anxiety straight away - i had to search for the phone in my bag and couldnt find it right away. 

he said it was okay and reminded me that its just because the day is starting and if today is not good i have to remember there is a tomorrow and tomorrow might be better. he told me that i have to remember not to give up and to keep doing what im doing because im doing good. 

i dont feel like im doing good. i dont feel like im progressing like i should be but like.. i put some weight on medication solving many issues and it did but it did not solve the underlying issue which i think my doctor recognized right away. 

and i really appreciate my doctor. i really appreciate that there is someone of professional studied calibre to say - hey, you know what. you went through a lot of shit. youre not fucked for not being able to cope. the majority of people dont go through what youve gone through. and they probably wont. 

and thats it you know - like i want a level of sympathy but not pity. i want the understandng of how important it is to my life that i do not have parents or a family. that is a huge defining factor of so many things. and its not because i needed them to take care of me. thats not it at all. i am perfectly capable of caring for myself - in fact; ive done so for most of my life. i cared FOR THEM so its not laziness. its not me going out in the world and crying about how i have to be an adult. ive been an adult since i was 10. like since i hit puberty, ive been an adult. ive taken on adult responsibilities an handled adult situations since i was 10. and thats 17 years. my doctor brought this up himself - he recognized that ive had 17 years of dealing with trauma that most people dont deal with or deal with at amuch much older age when theyre able to cope. i grew up in trauma. i was built by trauma. 

my doctor actually repeats it a lot - you lost both of your parents. like its not the excuse - its the reason why i am struggling. i dont need anxiety about why im struggling or why i cant get better; there is a reason. he is giving me the answer that im looking for. 

last night i was very upset. he asked if i wanted to go for a walk or refocus or stretch or talk about it. but i just felt very very upset. i told him that i had felt very isolated for the past few weeks. but not because i spend time alone. i have no problem spending time alone. i was an only child, i learned to cope with being alone and i found peace in it. being alone is very peaceful. 

but you dont be alone forever. you cant just _be_ alone unless you literally isolate yourself and live off the land. like you have to revert back to cavemen times to be entirely alone. and i’m not interested in that; people realized by banding together you accomplish more and i’m not going to go against proof of a millenium of years. so people; all people - every single person is important. they might not be important to YOU but theyre important to SOMEONE so theyre important, you know? everyone is important; everyone i meet will affect my life in some way. 

but this isolation is not in a lack of meeting people. ive been around people. ive had options and choices to be around even more people. but when im around people and i try to relate with them or have a conversation ... i dont care? like i care, i care about whats happening with them but like i have no sense of relation to them. like theyre hanging out with cousins or family or they have this wedding to go to and their cat dies and its the worst thing that happens or their grandma dies and people are sooo sympathetic and thats not my experience of life? like i have not had that experience of life. so i’m carrying a lot of resentment and bitterness towards life itself right now. and i feel like i have to reprogram myself to be okay that i didnt have the exprience a majority of people have and continue to have. so its kind of an ongoing battle to be like - hey, its okay you dont have a mother. its okay you dont have a father. its okay no one really cares if youre dead or alive. just keep doing you.

i guess in some ways im envious of people who have good mothers. i always wanted to have a good mother. and you know what? it would be amazing to have a good mother right now. even as an adult. that would be really nice. i feel like if i had a good mother i could sit down and chat with her and she would be invested in my life and give me weird advice i dont know if id take but maybe i would and she’d make cookies or maybe shed buy cookies and give them to me but either way im getting cookies. and then you know maybe at the end she slips me 20$ for bus money or something - you know moms and i go off to work or something. 

i’m not really asking a lot of a mom, i guess. i have pretty low expectations. it’d be great if they didnt hurt me. i feel like ive been hurt a lot. even by my father - maybe unintentionally. like it hurt that he didnt care enough to be well. and he couldve. he really couldve. i feel like there was a lot of senseless death around me. i feel like no one cares. like people literally died because no one cares. thats how serious life is. i cant unshake that. its not like a belief i have. its my truth. its what ive lived. 

but im not delusional, you know? i can obviously see people caring. like the bubble i grew up in - no one fucking cares. not a single ass person givesa  fuck and i think we were all developed in our own ways to not give a fuck beyond ourselves because maybe this whole bubble was just survival. 

but i can see it exists. i can see its not beyond a human being to care. i can see it with my own eyes so thats also a truth. but i feel resentful its not a truth for me; as much as i’ve tried to have it be and not just with my parents and not just within my bubble. but it cant be the whole truth because life has variables. 

like i feel very attached to him right now because he is a variable. and i hate to create this like.. level of heavy importance on who he is and who he is to me because to me it feels like life or death. not that iw ould die. its very unlikely i would kill myself over him. like ... theres too many other reasons for it to land on him, honestly. but its life or death of my hope in the world as i know it. this is like the one last shot, one last chance of being proven that not every person i meet is going to be an asshole. that i have atleast the CHANCE for love, support, care & understanding. 

but thats because of who he is. not because i came into it with the hope that hewould do this for me. i never had an expectation for him - ever. i was pretty fed up and just kind of went with whatever was going on in all of life. but he became a variable because as i got to know him, i realized how good of a person he is and how much he cares for me.

one of the biggest things that gives me so much... i dont even know. like something good that is undescribable. he is not like.. some next level person or anything. hes just a normal guy, but because hes capable of being ... i dont even know if its mature or adult because adult men older than him have been worse and have been worse to me. like, to me this is transcendent in a very deep scar that has been within me for a long time regarding men and sex.

i have been treated terribly in most of my relationships. if not all of them. and a good amount of that treatment has come in the form of sex. men have not given a single fuck about me in a relationship when it comes to sex. i am an obligation. they deserve sex because theyre in a relationship with me and thats what we do. thats just how it is. even in terrible times, you know? even in the worst of times, they’d still be trying to fuck. and its fine - really, maybe thats a nature of a man. but if it is - and you overcome that nature to display a level of fucking respect, thank you. 

i think he understood before i said it last night, but i described it outloud - i have bigger problems than your passive need for an orgasm. life is a lot bigger and harder than this. it’s a lot more real. he had made a sarcastic and joking comment when i was scrolling on my phone (in view of him, on instagram) to stop talking to all my boyfriends. my gut reaction was a very stern, rolling of the eyes kind of “sure”. i understood he was joking but to me it was so stupid - so stupid - that even as a joke i wouldnt entertain the idea of it when i do in fact feel anxiety on a constant basis to a point that even thinking about other men or other people in such a way is a waste of my time and something i’m really not interested in. having “more” boyfriends or additional relationships honestly progresses nothing in my life. the relationship and friendship i have with him is acknowledgable as incredibly important. 

i think weve had sex once in three weeks. not because no one is interested in being physical, and not because we’ve become distant in any way, but because its not the most important thing to do right now. its not really really necessary. i believe he almost understands it as just a physical need that is natural like a sneeze or take a shit. which sounds terrible, sex should be more than that - and it is, but when you’re overcome with the need or the urge for such a thing, you may be lonely or you may just have an urge - like an urge for eating mcdonalds or chocolate. you dont need to satisfy that urge by creating multiple parterships and fucking all sorts of people. it can be as simple as jacking off and moving on in your day. 

though, truthfully, i enjoy having sex with him. he’s created a trust level that has allowed me to sincerely enjoy it and when we have sex, even when it’s a quick thing, it feels like he really appreciates that i’m offering my body to him. whether or not i was still fairly asexual, whether or not i had an inherent desire, i was still offering my body to him for him to use. it’s hard not to feel like you’re in a passive/submissive position when you’re the one being prodded; even if you take enjoyment from it. but maybe its just me. i dont know. regardless i feel lik the position is respected. 

sometimes, i feel like a true ‘queen’. he treats me so well and has given me such legitimate deep care. when i speak about even the few things he does for me, on his own accord, i feel like there are some who are envious / jealous and try to express somethig their boyfriend does for them; like it’s an one-up contest. instead of appreciating that there’s someone - anyone - in my 27 years of life who gives a fuck enough to show me such treatment, they try to extole the virtues of their own partners. 

but there are some i feel appreciate it. why shouldnt i be treated like that? why shouldnt he braid my hair, feed me fruit, make me cakes, dance with me to flashdance when im sad? why? i didnt ask for any of these things (i asked for cake) - why dont i deserve someone who wants to do these things? not only does he do this - he frequently, if not on a daily basis, looks at me in clear honesty and tells me i look pretty or that my clothes look good, or my hair looks nice. if i manage to put on makeup, he always acknowledges it. if i dont, i’m still told i’m beautiful. 

one time he told me it and i told him he always tells me it when i kind of look terrible - like i havent showered in a few days or i forgot to brush my teeth or wash my face or brush my hair. i’m a mess, most of the time. he told me he could see “underneath all of that”, as a joke. 

he was - and told me - he’d talk to that girl last night. i fell asleep and he was awake for maybe a half an hour or so but i dont know if he did or not. i truly dont care. i feel like the only reason he cares is a perceived notion tht i have something aganst her personally; which i dont. her existence only matters because of his past connection to her, otherwise i wouldn’t know of her at all. and his past connections are so far in the past and so meaningless to the present that i legitimately dont care. thats not his life or my life or our life anymore. 

and i guess thats kind of a way i grew as a person. and he might not even realize that, which is okay. but like - i’d definitely, in the past, hold a lot of resentment and bitterness and distrust in a person who has done some of the things he has done. but he’s never lied. and that’s like.... that’s real. he has never once even attempted to hide or lie anything. ever. and knowing things makes life better. knowing whats happening around you and why and who the person youre dealing with is and why they do things and what theyve done before - it’s a choice. you can choose to be involved when its all laid out or you can leave. your choice. are you hurt or do you move on? 

i really appreciate that level of honesty for once in my life. for all the liars and theives ad fucked up people ive been around, i need that. and i am a mostly honest person with him. which is bad. like to use mostly is already bad. and if i was entirely honest, it’d probably be okay, but i have shame in what i did. and again - no interest in being with others, so i’ve not been with anyone since weve been together. i havent even spoken to other people. 

this morning he asked how i felt. i said about the same. but he let me wake up in a more natural way instead of rushing me or waking me up himself and it helped a bit. as he was driving me home he said something like, “baby girl, even though you’re upset you still have to find me funny”. i told him i wasnt upset. he said “well sad or unwell or whatever, you still have to find me funny”. as i got out of the car, he repeated that he loved me a few times and to have a good day. i told him to text me later, he told me he’d call and see how i was doing. 

his concern makes me feel like at least taking a shower is worth doing in my day.