#thats horrible nonny im so sorry that all happened to you :(

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

cw: vent as long as should be expected from reddit refugee, r*ssian psychiatry being as dehumanizing as every other things in this country, english at the level of a non-native who got lost in reality while writing at least twice;

massive tw: forced hospitalization, suicidal troughs mention, abusive therapist and cruelty i suppose?

i don't even want to start it with "NPD culture is" cause i honestly (desperately) want that no one here will relate with my experience. i also will completely understand if this rant will not be posted, it's long, terrible, it's about may be specific to my doomed country's doomed medical care only. even i myself wish to having no idea about it. i not even goin to be anon here since i have a little fate in this end up posted.

well, NPD culture is dissociating each time anyone share they ideas about how often they supposed (they always supposed that is "never") pwNPD are searching for a therapy. i was the one who did search indeed and found out unpleasant fact that not only i won't get any help, but the one who should help me eventually will try to utterly destroy me. it's was what happened last time, i believe now i could have PTSD and here's the story.

after some dramatic events my npd symptoms slowly started getting much worse. i won’t describe everything, it’s enough to mention that during the year since the dramatic events™, i almost completely isolated myself from society and almost stopped doing anything for my studies, trying to avoid negativity from people around me. i tried seeing a counselor in college to address at least this issue, i can't remember anything about her other than she blamed me for my "parenting stance" and kept telling me i didn't want to work on myself and just wanted to blame everyone but myself for my condition. i tried to visit another psychologist. and another. while i was spending my last money trying to find a specialist who would at least hear me, it was getting worse, maybe because of the my belief that everyone would always be against me. when idea about getting lost in a river nearby my house became more common through than "go brush your teeth" i went to a town psychoneurological dispensary... i should have go to work spending the rest of my vitality to pay for another attempt at private psychotherapy.

just going to the dispensary was humiliating, and by that time I had already lost the idea that it was shameful to seek help. i had to describe troubling symptoms to the psychiatrist on duty... standing in a room full of strangers, only some of whom were medical staff, and the psychiatrist himself looked at me like i was a maggot. and I had to go through this procedure twice, because the first time, “I’m constantly thinking about throwing myself into the river,” apparently they didn’t hear. when i finally got to the dispensary, all those tests that were done to assess my sanity.... the wording of the questions was humiliating to say the least, and even with my belief that i was the most honest person in the world, i admit that lied on that tests. again, no one listened to me, patients in general were given as little attention as possible. when one of the conversations with the therapist she touched on a topic that was painful for me and i couldn't hold back my tears, i was threatened that if I didn't pull myself together i would be sent to a hospital. which exactly what happened.

this was supposed to be the longest part of the story, but it's physically hard for me to describe what happened, so I'm just listing it. i was not allowed to contact my family, to take any things, at least clothes from home, they just put me in an ambulance and took me to this prison. they took my phone and I didn't see any of my stuff until I was discharged. when they brought me in, they injected me with something and did it for the three days i was in the isolation ward where they put all the newcomers. later on, they transferred me to a general ward and again every day they gave me a hell of a lot of medicine. I don't know what they were. i know how it sounds but alas this is how russian psychiatric hospitals work and this horror can be confirmed in the stories of other... survivors? we were not allowed outside (because of covid they say), there were no family visitation days, the only thing we did was to walk along the corridor along the wards. no privacy, no emotions allowed, YOU a nothing.

i spent a month there. for crying. i could have gone longer, but I was able to convince the superintendent at the weekly meeting that i could be returned to the care of the dispensary. when I left, i was told that my good behavior would get me bipolar instead of schizoaffective disorder so they "wouldn't ruin my life." what does schizoaffective disorder have to do with anything? ut's what in this country they like to diagnose when they don't know what to diagnose. doesn't really matter if you fit criteria. i didn't fit any of them, so thanks for... not ruining my life i guess.

it took me two years to recover from all this. i think i'm mostly fine as long as no one mentions how bad narcissists are for not going to therapy. like even though I know I need therapy, i can't bring myself to do it. i know there must be normal therapists, but I feel too deep a dislike and distrust of people in this profession. you know... it could cost me life?

.

[petphantoms]

the abusive flower husbands thing does actually just come across as homophobic at some point. interpreting things in your own way is all well and good but as a gay man seeing people who are not gay men (from a lot of what I've seen anyway, not saying it's true for everyone), bending over backwards to say "no really they're abusive because I'm going to take these jokes and bits completely literally" it feels bad actually. I'm also not cool with the way people also tie this into scott being aro, bc I'm also aro and implying that he's abusive because he is aro is bad actually! sorry i really don't want to start anything this has just really been bothering me and you're the first to actually bring it up. it just has uncomfortable ties to the way people treat scott (as a character and as a real life person) as a gay man, and i think people should be more critical of these patterns

i had no idea scott was aro? huh! so i wont be able to comment on that fully because i havent seen it personally used as a point of discussion but that's really interesting..and im sure ur telling the truth i just. i havent seen it so i cant say much about my experience with it

other than that, yeah! like i said in my rb response, people dont tend to give the way that joel and grian and etc all bully jimmy the same treatment, where theyre Also horrible and abusive to jimmy etc, it just. it strikes me?

i know not EVERYONE who is interpreting FH as abusive hates scott or is even homophobic but it does just come off weird when people just don't seem to like... enjoy. the people involved at all. ... i enjoy some problematic ships because im interested in the dynamic and how things happened and the outcome, um. .. not because i hate this other guy??

idk if that makes any sense. id love to talk about the nuance and importance of media analysis and interpretation/representation of problematic relationships whether they be intentional or not but thats not rly what ur here for.

personally i do love discussion so if you have more shipping takes i am literally all ears, even if i disagree i really enjoy trying to understand different perspectives, which is a huge reason why i even made that post in the first place. it was a cry of frustration and confusion with what i was seeing because i had no context.

anyways everyone please remember we love eachother and to be civil and that im just here for discussion and understanding. i dont think FH is abusive personally, to me it reads as very just messing around and rough housing in a bad and unfamiliar situation (the life series is not like. a kind game, and 3l was the first! ofc theyre gonna be less comfortable).

i dont think its actually indicative of anyones personal beliefs unless theyre being freaks but i would implore everyone regardless of what you do or dont like both CCs and ships and etc to like. ask yourself why you dont like it, and where you're getting that information from, ykwim?

ok ty for the ask nonnie xx -🍄

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Kym thank you for your wonderful answer to anon. I think a part of fadom freaks out easily because the reporter scared everyone for a lifetime. Last year we were all here celebrating how good for buck would have been having a friend outside of the 118, and we got a terrible friend then and an horrible gf now that basically monopolized 2 entire episodes of 5a, probably she'll be gone soon but her presence is still to much compared to others So yeah I don't think lucy will be a LI but who knows

Awww Nonnie 🥺🥺🥺 tysm

Tay Kay is definitely scarring!! I'm gonna be upfront - I have never ever liked Taylor and I never saw her as a friend to Buck (idk how anyone could tbh but maybe thats just me!!), so I never joined in the celebrations of Buck having a friend outside of the 118 - I've only ever viewed her as a narrative device- her character has always been selfish and self serving and if the writers wanted me to feel differently about her they would have invested the time and effort into showing character growth - addressing all the bad choices she made previously. The fact that they didn't, and actually went the other way - showing how much of a hypocrite she is on top of everything else - spoke so loudly to me.

If, like me, you've spent years working in the industry, and studying how film and television is created and developed, I guess you spot things a mile off. I do think they wasted a lot of time and energy on giving her a back story and using it to fill time that could've been better spent elsewhere, but I'm also of the view that theres a very good chance that we'll see what we learnt coming back into play in the first part of 5b.

I think the writers have spent time creating that backstory for a reason - because it's what they've done historically and if it wasn't important they would've used the time elsewhere - showing us more of other characters and doing further world building. The entire season is planned out at the beginning - the arcs will have been decided- even beyond just the season - and they will have spent a lot of time figuring out how to get the characters from a to b - what needs to happen, what road blocks to put in their way etc.

That is why I'm sure that there are plans to make further use of what they have chosen to give us (and why ghost stories got such a drastic rewrite) and I expect it all to come into play in 5x11 and 13 with repercussions further into the season as well. Im actually looking forward to the summer hiatus so I can really look at how it all plays out in more detail - when we know where it all leads to - only then will we truly know if they short changed us and put in a load of unnecessary filler we could've done without!

For the most part the section of fandom that freaks out over this kind of thing tend to be young with little experience of the real world who will (hopefully) learn as they get older - I don't tend to see to much of it in my little corner of the internet as I curate my experience - I'm here for a good time, to have fun and for healthy debate, Im not here to stress myself out or make myself miserable. Its also easy to forget that many of these people freaking out have grown up in a world which has always had internet and so they are not used to being made to wait for things in the same way as those o us who existed before the world was at our fingertips - when binge watching was only possible if you recorded each episode every week or bought the vhs/dvd box sets!

Sorry Nonnie - i've got up on my soap box again 🤣🤣🤣 I've never bee none for brevity!!! As always great to have you appearing in my inbox!

[one-abuse-survivor]

my mom is literally impossible. everything i want to do, enjoy or experience she finds some way to demotivate me or go crazy enough to deter me from it for good. im still really struggling with how to deal with it. physical stuff is so much easier to deal with than mental/emotional. tonight, for example, she starts yelling at me for not having a job, having a horrible attendance at college, and just being in bed all day, which, as i lay them out like that, they’re reasonable things to be asking your seemingly bum of a child. she goes further into comparing me to my cousin. hes doing much higher level things in college, and not only does he have a full attendace there, he has a job too, so his schedule is almost always booked. mine is not. he is an entire 9 months younger than me, which ofc gives me full seniority over him and should put me much further in life than him. at least thats what mum has consistently held over my head since the ripe age of 8. i decide to play along and question back, why doesn’t he have 3 jobs? my friend, who is 5 months older (which is a lot obvs /j) has 3 part time jobs, whilst attending full college (at a high level), and still has time for extra ciricullars. she was confused and was like ?? why are you bring this up? i tried to tell her that, theres always gonna be someone better than you, and worse than you, so its very unfair to compare yourself to others in a way that makes you both feel guilty for doing things most cant, and for not doing things most can. she very quickly changed topic but continued to bash me over the head with my constant horrible attendence, that i should be at a better place in life if I had just taken my exams and got on with things. when she says things like that it hurts and throws me into a spiral. it feels like she has all the control over whether or not i fall into the pit of depression again or not. ofc she never chooses that i don’t. im not sure if i really should be asking you for advice on how to deal with this as you arent a liscened therapist, but i really need some. every time we have one of these arguments, i feel like im 15 again, back to being suicidal and wanting to sh and just wanting to not exist anymore. i truly hate it because thats not me anymore, ive tried so hard to pull myself out of each depressive episode alone and i hate that all my hard work can be undone with a sentence from her. i cant do to her what i did to my dad. practically pretend they dont exist, never speak to them and ice them out until now we only speak once a month, if that. it sounds awful, i know, but im very proud of myself for getting to that stage with him, its hard to go no contact when you live with them. (he was very abusive, as is my mum, but he quite literally ruined my life and i have to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to enjoy himself every day. i have to watch the man who wanted to beat me, hurt me, and who yelled at me until i became suicidal, have the time of his life having a redo with my cousin, spending all of his new money on any and all his interests, and becoming closer with my sister. its literal torture.) unfortunatley still have to deal with mum. to put it coldly and horribly, shes the one with access to the heat, clothes, food, bedding, electricity,etc, i need her until i can move out. i cant really break that bond just yet as i still need her so i dont die. (ik i can be homeless and be in foster care but im lucky enough to have the choice to say no to those things so im taking advantage of it) i am sorry if this in any way comes across cold, mean, or passive agressive. the argument mentioned above happened just 20 minutes ago and its still pretty raw, and im not the best at processing my emotions lol. thank you so much for your time, i hope your evening is going great (:

Hi! Don't worry about your tone, nonnie. You're allowed to express your emotions, and especially to be frustrated and upset after what happened with your mom. All I ask is for people to remain respectful to me and anyone else who might read their ask, which you definitely did :)

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough 😔 of course you'd rather stay with her than be homeless! I really hope you're not downplaying what she's putting you through or doubting your trauma and abuse because you're choosing to live with her. All you're doing is trying to keep yourself safe. There's nothing wrong with that.

And I also don't think it's awful that you managed to cut out your dad so successfully! It's very similar to what I did with my mother, and I honestly think you ought to be proud of yourself for taking so many steps to protect yourself in spite of how complicated it can be to cut out a parent like that.

Regarding your mum, while it's not unreasonable to want you not to be in bed all day, it IS unreasonable to verbally and emotionally abuse you because of it. She's putting you down, constantly comparing you with others, triggering you, and worsening your mental health. If she really wanted you to have a better life, she'd be offering her kindness and support—not contributing to all the reasons you're struggling right now.

I don't really have much advice, other than to tell you it's okay to set boundaries and to take any steps you can to protect yourself even if you can't cut her out yet. You're not awful for being affected by her words. You're not weak for getting triggered around her. You're not cold or mean for standing up for yourself. You don't owe her anything just because she gives you a roof and a bed, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Please, try to be as kind to yourself as possible until you can get out of there. You're doing your best right now. Your best doesn't have to look like anyone else's, because no one else is living their life under exactly the same circumstances as you, so please try to remember that when she compares you with others.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[wetwareproblem]

before i realized my family wasnt healthy, i would feel guilty about how sad i felt & that i shouldnt comfort myself (cuz what happened to me "wasnt bad enough") so i would read stories about characters who went through absolutely Horrible situations to help justify my being sad. it gave me something to attach the sadness to so that i felt justified in doing comforting actions (ie "im sad that the character was hurt (& def not about my abuse) so im gonna eat some chocolate") (part 1/2)

(part 2/2) and also, reading stories about bad shit happening to characters actually helped me realize that maybe the stuff in my life was actually bad after all. and now that i know my trauma was actually bad, reading those stories helps me process it. so yeah thats how "~Problematique™~" stories affected my reality, they actually fucking helped me

Re the "other people have it worse, how dare I feel overwhelmed" thing: A life-changing moment for me was when I was talking to a social worker, and fell into a script that boiled down to "I'm so sorry for taking your valuable time, I'm sure other people need it so much more."

He gently stopped me, made sure he had my focus, and told me: "I've heard that a lot. I've never heard it from anyone who didn't genuinely need the help."

He wouldn't let me apologize for that again. I still think about that a lot.

I hope you're in a much better place now, Nonny, and I'm glad you had a helpful tool when you needed it.

[girlbookwrm]

POV? anything you're working on at the moment :3

ah sweet nonnie

POV — something that’s already happened, retold from another character’s perspective  

i am loving this game, others feel free to hop on my inbox and ask

I was sorely tempted to do something from THYP – there’s so much material there, but if i go down that rabbit hole rn i might end up doing an entire B-Side about it. My lazy side was sorely tempted to do something from sidereal that I’d already done, because there are huge swathes that were originally Steeb POV that are now Bork POV. 

instead I did something ELSE from sidereal: let’s call this “Verity’s Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day”

Everyone had assumed that the lead curator would take handle the private tour, maybe even the director? I mean, it’s Captain America, right? You don’t just keep Captain America waiting at the National Portrait Gallery. Right? But now it’s fifteen minutes later, and no one has turned up to do it, and he is still waiting in there. Finally, Karen calls someone higher up, who says, basically: “I don’t have time for that, get one of the docents to do it.” 

And everyone now understands that this is going to go one of two ways:

1) Perfectly: Captain Rogers is totally happy with the exhibit, which gets to stay open, and the director and the curator fight over who takes credit for that.

or

2) As expected: Captain Rogers hates it so the gallery has to close their most popular exhibit, and the director and the curator agree to blame the docent who walked him through it.

The docents do rock paper scissors.

Verity loses.

As she walks to her certain doom, she tries very hard not to think about what she’s going to tell her roommates/soulmates when she gets fired. Sorry guys, I disappointed America and now I’m unemployed. How will she explain that in future job interviews? I got fired because of a national icon – yeah, exactly like Lady Liberty. How will she explain it to her mother?

Jesus.

Okay, just breathe. It won’t be that bad.

She comes around the corner and boom. There he is. Her first impression is, just… wow. He really does look like that. 

Her second impression is: okay, well, he actually looks significantly less intimidating and iconic with his plaid shirt tucked into his khaki pants. It doesn’t do much to hide that shoulder-waist ratio, but it does make him look like…

Well, in tenth grade Verity’s best friend/soulmate, Aaron, had grown four inches and transformed virtually overnight into the cuddly adonis she now lives with – but for that first year, he kept wearing his old baggy nerd t shirts and weird dad jeans and like – it worked on Verity, obviously, but…

This reminds her of that, is all.

and actually, weirdly, her third impression is that he looks kind of smaller than she expected? He’s got his fist over his mouth and his other arm tucked around his ribs and those big shoulders all hunched in, and yeah, he’s taller than her by at least a foot, but –

Look. There’s a lot of negative space in the exhibit, and that’s on purpose. The Howling Commandos, Peggy Carter – they were larger than life characters. There’s a deliberate dissonance in having them memorialized like this: in plain pen-and-ink sketch, on notebook-sized paper. Verity always liked it – the sketches are so lively it’s like they jump off the page to fill the voids around them.

But it’s a little weird, how small Captain America looks, compared to all that empty space.

She wonders how long he’s been staring at the pictures and then kicks herself. It’s been twenty minutes, duh. 

She screws up every scrap of courage and every ounce of calm and says: “Captain Rogers?”

read the rest on ao3 with ART by @verbalatte

[choisgirls]

Tiggity taggity

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

tagged by @sevensity​ my wwwwWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE HI I MISS U SO MUCH

LAST:

Last Drink: I had a strawberry crush ^^; Last Phone Call: SOME UNKNOWN NUMBER CALLED ME AN HOUR AGO SMH SAERAN NOT NOW Last Text Message: Actual text was my mum, whatsapp was 6, and tumblr message was Tex! ^^ Last Song You Listened To: Iris- Goo Goo Dolls  Last Time I Cried: :') literally a minute or two before I answered this thing

HAVE YOU EVER: Dated Someone Twice: Mmmm mhm long distance online and it was fucking horrible i cannot believe i went back to him he was a prick Been Cheated On: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes quite a few times Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Oh yes. Lost Someone Special: Quite a few,,,, Been Depressed: Hi I'm 4 and I suffer from severe depression why are you asking me this Been Drunk and Thrown Up: I'm a Zen or a Jumin, okay, not a Yoosung

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: Made a New Friend: MY WIFE MY WIFE MY WIFE! And!! So so so many more friends! Like Ams! And Aysel! AnD TEX!!! And kinky nonnie!!! and elizabeth!!! And Heart nonnie! And Hair nonnie! And- *unravels long list of other absolutely amazing people that i consider friends and that i love with my whole heart but if i list them all here i would take all day but please just know that i!!! love you!!! and you are all!!!! my friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Fallen Out of Love: Yes  Laughed Until You Cried: all the time Met Someone Who Changed You: Um. Maybe? I'm not sure Found Out Who Your True Friends Were: Yes and no. More like it solidified my thoughts on them ^^  Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: People talk about me all the time because im this huge bitch and im usually disliked and all that so like I'm not surprised???

GENERAL: How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: Only one! otherwise!!! I have seen a few people on snapchat!!! And i've video chatted with one!!   Do you have any pets?: *frantically chasing after all 10 of my pets as they all avoid me* Do you want to change your name?: Yes. What time did you wake up this morning?: 11:32 because I'm an aDULT and i can do ADULT THINGS like SLEEPING IN and CRYING What were you doing last night?: Homework;;;;;;; Name something you cannot wait for: HaPpInEsS even if its in the form of getting the good end for V's route ^^ Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah i have family members named tom What’s getting on your nerves rn?: The fact that people KEEP SENDING ME FUCKING SPOILERS KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I KNOCK YOU OUT that and I have no inspiration to write ^^;;;;;;;;;; Blood type: i mean i think all blood is good blood fight me Nickname: Pussydestroyer6969 (Or more commonly I actually go by Lucifer's Dick and DO NOT ask me why) (Really, its usually just 4) Relationship status: I'm pretty dead in all aspects but my hands are cold Zodiac sign: Fake ass snake Pronouns: The evil overlord??? goddess???? that one person?? Favorite tv show(s): Supernatural, Shadowhunters, Magicians, The Librarians, and thats all i can think of off the top of my head but theres more

College: Sucks? Hair colour: Dark auburn naturally, you can really see the ginger in the sunlight :') Long or short: long leggy Do you have a crush on someone: His name is Saeran and I love him so much he is my husband

FIRSTS: First surgery: My shoulder First piercing: My ears! Fun story, my grandma took me as a baby to get them done while my mum was at work and didnt bother to tell her so my mum was peeved ^^;; First best friend: First day of preschool my horrid of an ex best friend walked up to me and punched my arm, saying we were now friends so i mean fuck her she sucks First sport you joined: Boxing and not long after, football First vacation: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina! First pair of sneakers: idk im sure they were black sneakers tbh my mum didnt trust me in white Eating: the souls of those who cross me? Drinking: the blood of my enemies? I’m about to: Fall asleep :') im so tired someone pl e as e Listening to: My cats run around the house and the jingle of the kittens bell ^^ Want kids: I do! Not... currently, but I do! ^^ Get married: I would love to get married~ Lets go~ At the space station~ All of you, at once, come on (ง'̀-'́)ง (ง'̀-'́)ง  Career: This is a hard one because its between programming or owning my own bakery;;

WHICH IS BETTER: Lips or eyes: I fall for eyes sO q Uic Kl Y Hugs or kisses: When you hug people you get closer and you can hear their heartbeat so you know just where to stab them ;) (no really i like kisses better) Shorter or taller: I don't really care but im tIRED OF BEING THE TALL ONE Older or younger: I like a good amount either way, not too much younger and not too much older Romantic or spontaneous: It has to be both Sensitive or loud: Both but i'll probably get just as loud;; Hook up or relationship: *kelly clarkson voice* OH NO, I DO NOT HOOK UP UP, I GO SLOOOOWTroublemaker or hesitant: IF ITS NOT BOTH THEN IM SORRY ITS NOT HAPPENING;;;;

HAVE YOU EVER: Kissed a stranger: oh no listen i would not kiss someone random you dont know what kinda thINGS those lips have touched Drank hard liquor: eheheheheheheheheh Lost glasses/contacts: Yes along with my will to live and my love for anything Sex on first date: Honestly i wouldnt know Broken someone’s heart: I um;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; Been arrested: *evil cackling*  Turned someone down: I have but i tend to do it gently because!!!!! its rude otherwise!!!!!! Fallen for a friend: I did once yes

DO YOU BELIEVE: In yourself: I dont think i ever truly have? Love at first sight: Mmm, yes? no? maybe so? me @ saeran hell yeah Heaven: well i have no comment here Santa Claus: If I believe in santa claus will my mum still give me a present that i cant afford on my own because im a poor ass college kid?? :')

 yo im not tagging 25 people sorry im a rule breaker but! here! it is! if you guys want to do it! You definitely dont have to! ^^

hi my names 4 and i hit enter before actually like, tagging people sO:

@paleasamoon, @mysplaced-pen, @wishful-lolita @toraod, @beautiful-mystic-mess, @deadpan-sexual

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey so, my mom used to hit me a lot when i was a kid. Said I only behaved as a good girl when I was beaten up (of course i did, i was scared for my life all the time). Anyway, she stopped doing it as I got older and bigger but everytime we fight she stills threatens me and says she should've hit me more when she had the chance. I always tell her to do it now if she's so brave but she never does for some reason (i think she's also scared.) She started threatening my little brother as soon as he got old enough to understand words. He never got hit, just threatened a lot. He's terrified of her and his dad (my stepdad), he hates shouting and flipflops. I've confronted my mom too many times about it, she always says the same thing, that its the only way for us to behave and then she victimizes herself saying that I'm always judging her and "oh im always wrong the worst mother on earth for raising my kids" and "your grandma did the same to me and im alive" and im like???? what do you mean "you're alive" were you supposed to be dead then??? miss ma'am thats not okay! my grandma abused you! and you're abusing your kids! but she just never listens, at least while I'm here i can protect me and my brother. But I'm really afraid that after I move out she's going to start beating him. This kind of thing just makes me think like... some people really shouldn't have kids.

i sent an ask a while ago about being afraid my mom would start beating up my brother as soon as I left the house... well, its worse. She started while I'm still here and I couldn't protect him. I heard yelling and she pushed him to the bedroom and I couldn't do anything. All I was able to do was close my eyes and cover my ears, I was shaking and crying but I couldn't move, I literally froze in place. She always does this thing where she beats us and then comforts us after, saying it only happened because we "deserved it". She washes our crying faces and gives us water and hugs, almost like she's rescuing us from herself. Idk why she does it but it used to give me a lot of conflicted feelings when I was younger and its probably giving my brother the same. I wish she would just stop being fake and leave already, just never be in our lives again. My brother doesn't deserve any of this, he doesn't deserve being neglected and only noticed when its to be called horrible things and beat up for being a child who doesn't know better sometimes. This is fucked up and I feel so guilty and bad because I cant do anything, I just want to get us both out of here

Nonnie, I am so, so sorry. What you and your brother are going through sounds extremely traumatic, and something no one should ever have to go through. You’re absolutely right when you say your grandma abused your mom and she’s doing the same thing to you and your brother. I’m proud of you for recognising what she does as abuse, and seeing right through her victim-blaming and guilt-tripping. I really hope you know her telling you she only hit you because you deserved it and because that was the only way you’d behave, and acting like the victim when she feels judged, is really emotionally abusive.

Regarding those conflicting feelings when she cared for you after abusing you, I recommend looking up trauma bonding if you want to, because that’s what can happen when your main source of support is also your abuser. Here’s an article about it if you’re interested.

And regarding your brother, please be kind to yourself. The way you reacted that day sounds like a (completely understandable) trauma response. Freezing is just as normal a response as fighting, fleeing and fawning, and, as the rest of these reactions, it’s a survival instinct and not something you can control. Please remember she’s to blame for your brother’s trauma, not you. You’re not meant to be able to protect him from her. Witnessing abuse as a minor, even when it’s not directed at you, is still abuse, and is still traumatic. You’re also a victim in this situation, and it’s understandable that you reacted as such. Please don’t punish yourself for that.

Neither of you deserve the way she’s treating you, and I really hope you can get out of there sooner rather than later. If there’s any safe adult in your life you can reach out to about this, I encourage you to do it if you can. To protect your brother and to protect yourself, because you both deserve so much better than her abuse and trauma.

Sending all my support your way ❤

[one-abuse-survivor]

sorry for this vent but its so funny how my mom thinks everything revolves around her. Everytime she wants help its such a weird "coincidence" that it happens exactly when I'm busy, and then when i dont stop my life completely to help her she does something wrong on purpose to be like "thats what happens when you dont help me out this is your fault and you are a bad person" and im just like. bro. i literally saw you "accidentally" drop that thing. i literally saw you "accidentally" cut your finger. does she think im dumb? what does she expect me to say? "oh no dearest mother i am incredibly sorry you werent capable of waiting until i was free to help you. i am sorry you weren't capable of holding this object on your own" like????? c'mon. I'm convinced she does this as an excuse to yell at me and make me feel bad lol. Also whenever I make plans for myself she immediately comes up with something (and its almost always a lie) on the same day so that I have to reschedule my stuff and turn my whole life around her life, it's like she thinks I'm her little puppet. I just want to live my life but instead I have to keep living hers, how she wants it, bc otherwise she'll call me horrible things and say I'm responsible for all the consequences. Like how she blamed me for going out and not taking care of my brother even if its her son and her responsibility, not mine. But she makes me feel bad because "how could I not babysit him at home while she gets to go out and get drunk with her friends? how could i be so selfish?" yknow? its like I'm the mother and she's the rebel attention seeking teenage daughter, it's pathetic and I'm tired

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, nonnie. Parents who think your life should revolve around them, who expect you to be ready to stop your life to help them any second of the day, are really exhausting and traumatic to deal with 😔 it is absolutely not your responsibility to take care of her OR your brother every minute of the day with a two second notice.

Sending a huge hug your way. No one deserves to live like this.