#thats kind of why i hate when ppl make the mask out to be like an insecurity thing like no its more complicated than that

[termagax]

tldr "what does his face look like" that is his face. dont be rude.

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

my problem and the reason i dont have friends is because im such a generally unfriendly person and i need to work on it so bad but i walk into every social situation w so much hostility and end up feeling bad about it by the end of it 

[honeytonedhottie]

how to deal with mean girls ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🧘🏽‍♀️

im making this post bcuz the world AND high school is filled with mean ppl, and this post just serves as some reminders to not let anyone disrupt ur peace bcuz mean is ugly.

SHOW AND HAVE NO FEAR - okay, let's be critical for just a moment. anyone talking shit about u or hating on u in general, they literally do not MATTER. literally who even are they? take them off of the pedestal and realize that they are just like everybody else.

take a step back and realize that someone talking badly about u says more about themselves than it says about you. and someone's "beef" with u has nothing to do with u actually.

someone who is achieving what they want in life and someone who's genuinely glowing and happy won't go out of their way to talk badly about someone. them doing so only proves that they're unhappy with themselves. only a bummy person would do that.

DONT BE STUPID - please please please dont try and "be nice" to them. if ur gonna be nice to someone who's being nasty to you, they're just gonna use that to perpetuate their hurtful actions.

DONT BE A DOORMAT - if they're glancing at u from across the room, and trying to intimidate you, GLANCE AT THEM BACK. im not gonna say "match their energy" bcuz thats not the message i want to convey to you guys. im not telling u to be nasty or spread rumors back or be rude, but dont let urself get walked all over.

CHANGE HOW U SEE THEM - this ties in with my first point which was that the ppl hating on u are like everyone else. but something that helps me deal with mean girls is just to think of them like they're some kind of idiot. that way im not gonna get triggered or mad when they act like an idiot yk? and another thing, when ur name is always in other ppl's mouths, that makes them a fan, not a hater.

WHY DO PPL HATE - people can hate for so many different reasons but one that i've noticed a lot is that the ppl who hate on u are genuinely unhappy with themselves and not at peace. also, people who hate on you can hate out of JEALOUSY or simply because they're crappy ppl. whatever their reason is, its none of ur business

PROTECTING UR PEACE - get ur mind off of it if its a lot for u and do something else ✨ pour ur energy -> into something else. do a face mask, do some journalling, paint ur nails. dont waste energy and thought on something unfavorable.

[foilfreak]

Nobody asked for this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately so I’ve decided to post about it in the hopes that my brain will stop thinking about it if i write my thoughts out, or at the very least spit them out onto a tumblr post. So here’s a nowhere-near-comprehensive list of all the heroes who I think should be friends and why, in no particular order:

1. Iaian and Genos. I’ve talked about them before but I just think that they’d get along really well for some reason. They’re both fairly close in age and seem somewhat similar in personality and disposition so i think, given some time and heavy avoidance of the topic of whose master is superior, a good strong friendship could blossom between these two disciples, a friendship that gives them the opportunity to relax, let loose, and actually have fun in ways they wouldn’t normally because theyre usually too busy being responsible heroes and saving cities and innocent civilians from certain death and destruction. Idk I just want them to be best friends who secretly gossip and talk shit about other heroes over Mario Kart and a bottle of Absolute, is that so much to ask? Can Genos have a friend of his own for once plz?

2. Tanktop Master and Superalloy Darkshine. A friendship between these two gym rats would radiate such chaotic bro energy that i don’t think ppl would physically be able to handle the combined amount of protein powder and boiled chicken that must be seeping from these guys’ pore. That being said however, if I don’t see at least 1 chapter of them acting like total fucking morons together like ive seen in a few fics now, I will be flying to Japan to personally fistfight ONE and Murata.

3. Golden Ball and Child Emperor. This one comes with a few headcanons Ive created about Golden Ball so if u don’t see it I don’t blame u, but basically the idea is that Golden Ball is a pretty smart guy, he got like a masters degree in chemical engineering or something before becoming a hero, so Golden Ball and Child Emperor probably met at some science convention and got to know each other by talking about various scientific theories and whatever shit they happen to be working on at that time. Child Emperor will occasionally ask Golden Ball to guest lecture for one of his classes. Golden Ball’s probably asked child emperor to read over the thesis or research paper he’s working on and give suggestions. They’re fellow colleagues who share more in common than just being heroes and child emperor probably enjoys talking to an adult who actually has a brain cell or two on hand at any given moment.

4. Death Gatling and Smile Man. Gatling looks like he could use a friend looking out for him (both in hero work and just in general) and Smile Man seems like a really nice and cool guy, idk there’s just something I like about him and I think he’d be a good friend to someone like Death Gatling. I’d certainly be Smile Man’s friend, if nothing else!!!

5. Chain’n’toad and Mumen Rider. I liked seeing them work together and show concern for each other when they fought that lizard monster in the OVA, I think they’d be good friends and get along outside of work too!

6. Captain Mizuki and Fubuki. Fubuki needs a girl-friend who doesn’t work for her and Captain Mizuki seems like the kind of lady who’d have a positive impact on Fubuki if they ever did become friends.

7. Captain Mizuki and Lily. Girl alliance.

8. Captain Mizuki, Fubuki, and Lily. Ultimate Girl Alliance!

9. Captain Mizuki, Fubuki, Lily, and Okamaitachi. ULTRA MEGA SUPREME GIRL ALLIANCE!!!!!!!

10. Tatsumaki and King. Tbh I want them to fuck, but that’s a post for another day, I do however think that a friendship between the two of them would be beneficial for much the same reason as a relationship between them would work out, just minus the romantic elements. They both have a decent amount of respect for each other and I think they’d both encourage the other to improve themselves and become better people/heroes, which they actually would because you’re a hell of a lot more likely to take criticism from someone if you respect their opinion and see the validity in their criticisms/suggestions. Tatsumaki would force King to actually leave his house and go do stuff with her and King would force tatsumaki to chill the fuck out and not yeet ppl into walls... maybe.

11. Amai Mask and Zombieman. More or less the same deal as Tatsumaki and King except there’s an extra 5 months at the beginning of their “friendship” that consists almost entirely of just straight up hate fucking. They’d be friends with benefits if they stayed friends tho.

12. Atomic Samurai and Bomb. Kamikaze is friends with Bang therefor he’s friends with Bomb too, shut up

13. Spring Mustachio and Bushidrill. I want to see them get drunk together, i think that would be quite fun

14. Snek and Saitama. I want Snek to join the Saitama group and I want him to be PISSED about it.

15. Snek and Lightnight Max. On a slightly more serious note, I do think these guys would make good friends, if only because of their love for martial arts.

16. Pig God and All my love and affection. He just deserves it ok, idk what else to say.

And thats about all i can think of for right now, but ill be sure to come back with a part 2 if i can think of anything. Let me know what u think. Further suggestions are highly encouraged!

[whaleofatjme1920]

HEY B GIMMIE THAT SWEET SWEET RIVAL MATCHUP U ALREADY KNO

You already know who this is but ill still give u a hot rundown: My names Ally, im 20 years old 5’7’’ and a Leo/year of the dragon/INFP. She/They pronouns and im Pansexual but i dont think that matters much in this situation >:P. Appearance wise i have shoulder length curly red hair and green/grey eyes, suuuuper pale skin and freckles. Im def an ambivert, very protective of people who mean alot to me and kind of sharp tempered, especially when people start talking about shit they dont know anything about. Im also a pretty big perfectionist and people pleaser and will beat the FUCK outta myself if i feel like i let people down or made people upset when i could have helped it. But thats all about me, heres those wacky questions!

- Stated before, but im an August Leo! I would say my aura would probably be a pinkish/ purple color? For dislikes i def dont like bitter foods, being too hot, rumors, people talking behind my back, ppl who act like they know what theyre talking about, ppl cutting me off when i lose my train of thought, conservatives, not caring about climate change/the planet in general, tight or restrictive clothes, not having enough time in the day, capitalism, ect. Honestly the most off the wall thing for me that would make me throw hands on sight would probably be someone saying some shit about my close friends behind their back to me.

- Once when I was 14 me and about 10 other people squeezed into a mini van at about 3am and drove around the town, not a single one of us had a license or were over the age of 16, and we were all ridiculously drunk and high the entire time (except the driver. we were underage, not stupid). After driving halfway across the island we got pulled over by cop on the interstate, and he walked up to the car, looked at the driver, then into the passenger seat and saw literally 10 KIDS OBVIOUSLY DRINKING and the car absolutely reeked of bud, then looked back at the driver and simply told him “Your tail light is out. Get home safe” and drove away. Ive never seen god faster than that moment LMAO

- I could never willingly fight a raccoon, youre sick for suggesting that >:/ They are precious boys and ive saved too many from drowning in my pool for me to lay a finger on one. And as for dealbreakers? My biggest one in a relationship is cheating, but thats pretty basic LMAO. I would also say one that’s definitely second in rank would be expecting someone to stay the same through out the relationship and getting upset when the person changes. We are human beings and developing and growing, if you dont support me in that nothing is going to work. I explained a bunch of things i dislike in people above, but ill also add in here people who hurt animals in any way/ litter for no reason. If one of my friends throws a piece of trash out of my car im slammin on the brakes and youre getting out and picking it up. And god forBID you touch an animal around me il doing whatever you did to it to yourself no hesitation.

- I would hate being stuck in a room with anyone, i have decently bad claustrophobia and if we were in there for more than a day i would start bugging out LOL But probably the worst type of person would be someone who just doesn’t shut up and trys to act like they know everything. Those are like, the most insufferable people to me. ESPECIALLY if theyre wrong and refuse to admit it. Whenever i think of being locked in a room, somehow i always imagine like a dark navy blue room with one small window and completely empty floors and walls, everything made out of carpet. Dont ask me why, i have absolutely no clue.

my feed back is ily bitch gimmie a good one i wanna fight a bitch

Your enemy is… Eyeless Jack!

In general:

I told you this yesterday but I wasn’t expecting you to send this in and must've spent like 5 straight minutes wheezing reading this. My gut reaction was Jeff, but based on what you wrote about the room, I’m going to say your enemy is actually Eyeless Jack!

Things he doesn’t like about you and how he pisses you off:

EJ doesn’t like that you’re a Leo. I’m not elaborating on that. He’s such a cold, clinical, heartless bastard that everything you are just goes against whatever tf he actually believes and acts as. I feel like you being a perfectionist would just brush against his perfectionist tendencies and habits. He’d say everything you’re doing is wrong. Just a dick. EJ may or may not exploit your weaknesses but that’s just because he thinks it’s fun and doesn’t like you.

EJ is a god of knowing what he’s talking about and it leads to this cocky, know it all attitude. It’s gonna brush you the wrong way. He knows that and takes joy in it. He will always attempt to one up you in knowledge and grin when he sees you falter. On the other end, if you catch him off guard he’s gonna be SO MAD. He will purposely turn up the heat in your presence just to make you upset. He will breathe down your neck and get in your personal space just to make you more uncomfortable. EJ isn’t anywhere NEAR a conservative or a climate change denier but he will take those positions just to make you mad and laugh over your attempts at arguing with him. Like Jeff, he’s a huge devil’s advocate and will start shit just because he can. I don’t actually think he’d talk about your friends negatively in front of you though, but he would definitely say stuff about you to your face.

EJ thinks it’s stupid you drank underage and will poke that memory. He will use insults about alcohol and the brain despite drinking a ton himself. If you call him out on it, he will fold. Literally throw everything he says about you back at him and he will get puffy and fast. EJ can’t always handle change that well so like, he’s a stubborn guy. Despite how logical he can be and how smart he is, socially he is so uncouth!! EJ doesn’t litter so you don’t have to worry about that but he’s definitely gonna do things that push your buttons, mostly say things that put you off. He’s not claustrophobic. He will put you in situations like that just because he can. The dark navy blue of his mask is going to haunt you. EJ will act like a god in your presence and snarl when you dare question his abilities. CALL HIM OUT. HUMBLE HIM PLEASE.

He agrees on the raccoon thing ngl. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but EJ has such a soft spot for animals - mostly birds - but he can’t fault you for the raccoon thing. He's also not too fond of litter so he has to agree with you on that one too.

Closing Thoughts/Other Things:

Knowing you for as long as I have, I was so, so ready to actually put you with Jeff. However, the more I read into this the more my intuition screeched that you would actually throw hands with EJ and I find that HILARIOUS. Just the arguments between you and this tall, muscular demon man is just - “what? What? WHAT” It’s beautiful. I’m serious, Merida vs. a literal demon. That’s all. Ily. <3

[calangkoh]

What do you think is the difference in Al’s characterization/development in 03 vs. BH? Which Al do you prefer?

i could be totally wrong about everything im about to say. this is all my takeaway, and its going to differ from other people’s.

i think the main difference is in 03 al is the deuteragonist and in bh al is just a few steps above side character. In 03 al is as important as ed and has a lot more say on things. he acts more like an actual brother by butting heads with ed and speaking up more. bh al most of the time comes across as a sidekick. bh al’s character development isnt a big thing because theres not much TO develop when he’s more of a supporting role vs in 03 where he has many established flaws to be expanded on.

i am not criticizing bh here, and its not something im mad about in the slightest. but it is why i prefer 03, because the appeal of fma for me was always the brothers, and 03 focuses way more on the brothers (their growth, their struggles, their relationship, etc), ironically, more than brotherhood which has a wider cast and world it divides its attention on (and i like a wide cast and big world as much as an intimate character study, it just so happens in fma’s case it was always the brothers that captivated me over the world, so naturally the show that zeroes in on the brothers as opposed to zooming away from them more and more is the one i prefer).

03 al is rougher around the edges, has more obvious flaws, and his development seems to be about becoming more decisive and proactive and less passive, with a heavy emphasis on survivors guilt and the effects the armor has on his psyche. it spends more time giving al the attention his horrific situation deserves.

in bh, al is a sweet and supportive brother who serves to motivate ed and be useful to the plot when he can with his body. his development seems to center around accepting how useful his body is? which good for him, but illustrates my point of bh having its characters be more like set pieces. al only gets development in scenes where he can move the plot forward.

i love both als. bh al is easier to love because he’s very “nonoffensive” and “unobstrusive.” hes sweet and kind and has funny moments and is just an endearing boy. its impossible not to love al. 03 has the same qualities but with more of a challenge because 03 actually gives him substantial flaws to overcome. 03 al can be harder to love sometimes because of his flaws, because he makes mistakes and acts like an idiot and gets angry and is wrong sometimes. but he’s a much more deeply-written, well rounded, dimensional character for it.

but yknow sometimes a simpler and more clean cut character like bh al is what a story needs, and what the audience needs. a black and white wholly Good character who inspires us and simplifies things for us in impactful ways is just as valuable as a flawed and complicated one that makes us question ourselves. i love both als, i think they are both fantastic. obviously i prefer 03, though.

i think in terms of personality differences, and this is just my interpreation of their characters (and my interpretion of bh al could always be way off since i dont remember details of bh as well as 03), if they met youd be able to quickly see that 03 al is more outspoken. Even if 03 al is still the rational calm and observant one to eds impulsivity, he still has opinions and is attempting to broaden them. hes more inclined to question things, offer new possibilities, reach out to other people for connections, all for the purpose of understanding things, in my interpretation. Bh al is more strictly an observer. both are introverts, but 03 al comes across more extraverted because he reaches out more to find answers and will also actively converse and discuss with people, while bh al is almost all quietly thinking to himself.

03 al at the end of his journey is also noticibly rougher. bh al is still the big idealist and softie. hes smily, always beaming, always excited to indulge in life. 03 al is like that too but more often feels fake, because it partially is. theres more sadness behind the same smile thats on bh al’s face. bh al’s smile is bright and happy and cheerful but 03’s masks longing and regret. bh al is much less confrontational but he is much more sassy and snarky, now confident enough to embrace that inner snark and “dam im real done with ppls bullshit but im still a nice person so im not afraid to throw some shade.” 03 al is actually confrontational. he actually is able to get up in your face and tell you off (or if youre someone he cares about, lecture you to take better care of yourself because dammit life is too fragile and he wont stand idly by letting shit happen in front of him any more—hes very much like winry in this sense). hes snarky, yes, but his snark is more strictly for joking and when it comes to conflict he’s straightforward and direct.

Edit: not to say 03 al IS confrontational—hes still a sweet boy who will avoid it, but just by comparison to bh al he’s less afraid of conflict when its necessary. like “i hate conflict and will avoid it because i dont like to hurt other people but i WILL confront people if its necessary, even if i dont like doing it” while bh al is “i will avoid conflict at all costs but you WILL endure my snarky tongue if youre getting on my nerves, but if it actually bothers you and could potentially start a legit fight ill obviously keep my sassy comments to myself.” important to note they both still give everyone the benefit of the doubt and trust everyone is good at heart and no one wants to do any harm, and always have that assumption in their interactions. altho again, 03 al is more inclined to be paranoid “yes i will give everyone the benefit of the doubt but doesnt mean im not watching my back cause i dont trust so easily anymore and i dont want to be manipulated or taken advantage of ever again”

[dyketubbo]

intro post (cleaned up a bit.. again!)

basic summary: my name is dyke/eyez/circus/mask/whatever you wanna call me, im a minor, im nd and a qpoc, i use any pronouns but he/him (and dont like masc terms, including bro, dude, guy, lad, stuff like that), and im apart of a system.

dni if youre against any kind of minority (includes racists, terfs, truscum, queer exclus of any kind [yes, even mspec lesbian exlus], etc etc), support ccs like schlatt uncritcally/actively like him, are nsfw, ship irl ppl (even ones that are okay with it), do x reader stuff with ccs, truth ccs at all, believe fiction doesnt effect reality/are a pro shipper/anti anti, or dont tag triggering things like zoophilia n stuff. dont be romantic or sexual towards me at all, and dont talk about touching me w/o asking. also dont interact if youre fine with those kind of ppl and actively interact w them (only exception to that last one is if you interact w ppl who like cc!schlatt, idc about that as much as long as theyre critical of him)

i like benchtrio the most but keep up w/ everyone best i can and like analyzing and drawing. im really sensitive and kind of an asshole so. bare w/ me if i lash out or am too much or something.

currently we have small intros of us per member on a page (/systemstuff) but dyke n grass will talk the most (mostly dyke). ty for reading, i hope you have a nice day and if its late for you, feel free to go get some rest. if its daytime, go eat!! or hydrate if you havent.

follows/likes and stuff will come from @/cottonskittles, reblog/like spam is ok, i dont care how people interact w me or my posts as long as they dont breach my boundaries, i think thats it but feel free to ask questions if u need clarification. more stuff under da cut

hi howdy just some more in depth stuff

im bad w tone so like. if you make fun of tone indicators or think theyre unnecessary/annoying (unless talking about excessive use/people using them as an excuse to be mean n stuff) probably dont interact w me because while i can interpret messages w/o them my own tone is often unreadable so i use them for the sake of others

story wise wise i usually look for benchtrio stuff, but i also try to keep up with everyones lore! theyre all important to the story in some way :]. however due to the themes surrounding them c!dream and c!schlatt make me uncomfy, and i only receive secondhand info abt the torture stuff bc its uncomfy too. also im personally critical of c!techno and i know that esp bothers a lot of ppl so yknow. warning to stay away this blog might piss you off

dni wise dont be a bigot. if youre against minorities of any kind fuck off, dont follow if youre nsfw or make nsfw content of childrens media, uhmm for personal sake regarding themes on the dsmp remember to like. tag cult stuff, drug use (esp underage), zoophilia, pda, and cannibalism if ur gonna follow me. tyyy. also dont follow if ur uncritical of some of the things various ccs involved have done (this is vague bc i know theres misinformation on dream and techno specifically but theres still shit thats actually been done and of course uh. the whole schlatt situations), and generally dont follow if you outright like cc!schlatt (c!schlatt likers r fine). like im not gonna make a big deal out of it but i will at the very least softblock because he makes me. really uncomfortable. you can interact n stuff just dont follow. dont interact if you use the new pan flag its gross and ugly and i dont agree with why it was made. and dni if youre a pro shipper (even if its to cope- find better coping mechanism thanks im a survivor and it makes me relapse to even think about pro shipping, actively romanticizing pedophilia, incest, age gaps, etc in media and then pretending like its just shipping discourse is Fucking Disgusting and i hate it), and dni if you like genderbend stuff it makes me uncomfy

also this is specific but if youre nonblack and weird about aave i will fucking murder you. n if you make suicide jokes please at least tag them. if you tell people to seriously kill themselves or joke abt "do a flip" or w/e or find that funny then dont interact w me at all

non dni wise w/ boundaries dont use masc terms for me, dont like.. talk about kissing me or flirting with me or anything, dont call me smart or a good person (just a personal thing. you can use synonyms if you really want), ask before talking about touching me, i have mirror touch so when people describe physical touch in any way i can feel it and thats uncomfortable. dont call me a liar, anddd dont make too many sexual references w/ me. keep it to the level thats like, present in beeduo streams but dont talk to me about kinks or anything even as a joke. finally make sure to tag things w /p if you mean it platonically around me, its for comforts sake. feel free to talk or message or ask for other socials or whatever idc about any of that

thatsss all for now. i do analyses ig, also art. have a doodle of my sona to tide u over under this paragraph. sorry for rambling, im not good at summarizing my thoughts and i have a lot to say. ok thats all thank you if you got this far and read it all i rlly appreciate you /gen. i was milfsmp but i didnt want to take the chance that someone would call me milf as a nickname

[seerofmike]

i feel like a huge portion of kpop fans are gay fetishists attracted to the idea of quote unquote feminine men and thats why theres so much bullshit

YES okay. okay let me rant for a minute. let me preface this by saying i am NOT a kpop shipper at ALL. this is going to be long so i’ll put it under a’ ‘read more’ because i’ve been holding it in for TWO FUCKING YEARS BABY!

being mlm in boygroup kpop fandom is literally so exhausting. 99% of the people who ship real life human men from boygroups are fetishists and i will tell u why

obviously we all know of a ship in a fandom where the characters' personalities are twisted to fit the heteronormative view of "top" and "bottom" --one character is hypermasculine (top) and the other one is feminine (bottom). there are typical traits associated with both. the ‘top’ is scary or mean or angry or serious while the ‘bottom’ is emotional or bubbly or shy. while this is egregious, at least its fictional characters. their personalities can be simplified or exaggerated and it doesnt cause any real life harm.

im going to define what i think of as a fetishist: a non-mlm person who overly sexualizes gay men/men they think are gay/gay ships, and forces them into heteronormative roles for their own pleasure. its not even limited to cishet women. plenty of non-mlm lgbt people do this too and its like disheartening. so anyways

enter the kpop fandom

i may be incredibly biased here because one of the most affected members [of bts] is my favorite kpop boy, but oh god is the ‘personality change/simplification’ thing AWFUL here. i do not go out of my way to find fanart or see fanfic threads, but being in the bts fandom, u will inevitably see it and i REALLY wish i didnt

so anyways. my favorite boy ever is hoseok. he is sweet and hardworking and very passionate about dance and he can be serious when needed, but ultimately he tries to be very lighthearted and will consistently laugh or make jokes or do something funny when the other members feel uncomfortable or awkward (mostly during english-speaking interviews). he kisses the members on the cheek a lot/hugs them a lot/cuddles them a lot [this is important for later okay]

of course, theres a lot more to him because he is a multi-faceted real life human being, and i don’t know him personally, but that’s a general idea of what he’s like, okay?

SHIPPERS will have you think differently. some video got popular on youtube ""proving"" that hoseok is a sadist (which is just clips of him jokingly playfighting with the younger members), and the video depicts him as secretly mean and serious, and shippers will use that to say "hoseok is a total top!" and then most fanart or imagines or fanfic threads you see are top!hoseok, using this imagined 'hoseok is a sadistic dom' narrative to fuel their fiction, because SOMEONE has to be the top, so they twist him into this hypermasculine mean person (and probably feminize the 'bottom' of their ship but more on that later)

EXCEPT it is not just fiction. this narrative bleeds into REAL LIFE. you have new armys who dont know anything about the shipping scene, and yet somehow the narrative of hoseok being a secretly mean, sadistic person has already made its way into them. in real life, hoseok likes rainbows and wearing nail stickers and putting glitter in his hair. yet people in the fandom will say shit like "hoseok hates femininity" "hoseok would never wear [thing] because he's a dom"

sometimes on twitter you have ppl like me who say uh actually you guys are really weird and this is fetishy and in real life hoseok is very nice and not sadistic at all, you will UNDOUBTEDLY get comments like "omg hoseok isnt cute/nice when will yall learn he’s secretly like [x] and [x]". you could post a video of hoseok with a puppy titled "wow cute" and u will get like 2 clowns in ur comments going 'hoseok isnt CUTE hes a sadist’ . i wish i was joking but i am not. they will do this for EVERY action hoseok does. he cannot blink without people twisting it into a sexual thing

[also, side note: its funny that, since hoseok is one of the least popular members and therefore one of the least shipped members, he is often the odd man out among pairings, and is assigned 'the straight one' by default, and 9 times out of 10 people who assign him 'the straight one' do all this 'dom daddy hoseok' shit.

which just goes to show that this is indeed a matter of heteronormativity.]

so anyways arguably the most popular ship with hoseok is with yoongi, sope. this absolutely happens to other ships probably but im just using them as an example because i see it the most, being a hobi stan

yoongi is very calm and thoughtful and kind and sometimes appears to be cold/having a bad attitude but its just because of the way he speaks, which is very bluntly. again hes a multi faceted real human and i do not know him personally but thats generally what hes like.

god the fandom. treats him SO BAD. so horribly. he's shorter than hoseok. he's shorter than hoseok and people will exaggerate that literal 1 inch height difference so bad and people will turn his whole personality into shy and blushy and In Love With Hoseok, so in love with hoseok that ‘he gets sad’ when hoseok doesn’t kiss him/hug him/or whatever and IT BLEEDS INTO REAL LIFE.

ANY time hoseok or yoongi do ANYTHING together at ALL, people will ALWAYS push the narrative that hoseok, being the mean sadist he is, is 'hurting' yoongi for not returning his undying love or whatever. hoseok did a vlive where he made bracelets for all the members and he considered putting a cat charm on yoongi's but ultimately decided not to because he was having difficulty and oh my GOD sope stans twisted it into 'hoseok HATES yoongi, yoongi would have been so happy, he would have worn that all the time, hoseok isnt affectionate he hates being close with other people after all :(' which is LITERALLY not true because hoseok gives all his homies good night kisses but okay! whatever fits your narrative!

PEOPLE ACTUALLY HATE HOSEOK BECAUSE OF THIS. BECAUSE OF A SHIP. BECAUSE OF THE MANUFACTURED NARRATIVE PUSHED ONTO HIM BY FETISHISTS SO HE COULD FIT INTO THEIR HETERONORMATIVE ‘TOP’ ROLE. not to be all wahh wahh hoseok is one of the least popular members BUT THIS IS LITERALLY A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR.

everyone """headcanons""" hoseok to be a top so they will make him a MEAN HYPERMASCULINE person. everyone """headcanons""" yoongi as a bottom so they will make him a SOFT UWU HYPERFEMININE person. shippers are literally pigeonholing the two of them into fujoshi-esque roles for jack-off material.

anyways this all boils down to: gay fetishists will do anything, ANYTHING, to twist characters or real life fucking people to fit their heteronormative view of top and bottom. top=mean and masculine, bottom=soft and feminine. hoseok is a real life human being. yoongi is a real life human being. they both have real life human personalities, and yet shippers twist their personalities into the opposite to fit their narrative, to the point where nonshippers will genuinely view the two of them as something theyre not.

you have tons of armys that theorize that hoseok's happiness is just a mask he puts on to hide a cruel nature. on twitter. on youtube. in fanart and fanfiction. you have tons of armys that truly believe that, despite literally all the evidence, believe he hates being cute, he hates being happy, he hates the members, and hes secretly a dom daddy fuckboy who wants to bend yoongi over a table. hes a real life human being and fetishists doing their fetish thing has real life consequences.

the same is true for bottom!hoseok stans: they overexaggerate his more cutesy personality traits and he does have a 'feminine' figure i.e. he has a rly small waist but they will overexaggerate that as well and give him huge hips and its disgusting but dom!hoseok is far more frequent with far more devastating consequences so i used that as an example but they’re both bad.

people who """"headcanon"""" [like actually headcanon/firmly believe and not just joking or lighthearted] that members are gay will force these types of roles onto the members. if someone genuinely believes that like, yoongi is gay/bi/whatever, and then try to force this subby soft uwu persona onto him, they have no respect for gay people. they dont. gay people are simply objects for their fantasies. their view of gay people is so one-dimensional and so driven by fetishists’ ideas that its actually disheartening.

and god bitches will deadass be homophobic yet still ship real ass human idols. not just for bts specifically but all boygroup fandoms. sometimes when you search up an idol's name, [idol] gay will be trending--whether it be because of people saying "im gay for him" or whatever, and a LOT of cishet people will try 'clearing' the searches because being gay is bad or something. people normally ‘clear’ the searches if something like [idol fat] or [idol ugly] are trending, which im telling you so you know the context that people only clear the searches when bad things are happening.

[never forget that time 'jungkook gay' was trending and bitches were like "lets clear the searches!" but their pinned tweet said some shit like "sub jungkook x dom jimin coffee shop smut au thread 🌈". bitches also be like i cant be homophobic i ship taekook]

and hoseok and yoongi arent the only ones affected ! we could get into why namjoon and jin (another popular ship) are often assigned 'dad' and 'mom' respectively, or the fact that gay fetishists not only twist members' personalities to fit their ship narrative, but will also force tropes onto them i.e. taehyung/jungkook shippers who will literally demonize jimin and call him a slut or say that he's trying to 'get in the way of' of taekook or 'steal' taehyung/jungkook but thats a whole DIFFERENT rant baby! racism/asian fetishism is also definitely a present factor in all of this but this focus was primarily on gay fetishism and heteronormativity.

oh my god i could also get into the severe transphobia/trans fetishism in this fandom too but this post is already long enough as it is

tl dr: gay fetishists will fetishize real life people and it has actual real life effects and we should ban straight women from shipping mlm

[sydxo]

my latest obsession: chrollo lucilfer

listen so,,,, im not really crazy about loving characters and i dont really jump around with my faves, they're pretty consistent for the most part but lately i've been overly fond of a man named chrollo.

If you know me you would know of my love for hunter x hunter

so when i really got back into the series i began looking at chrollo a lot more. when i watched it during the summer of 2017 i loved chrollo but he was never someone i obsessed over. yea he was a hot, strong villain so of course i would like him. but rewatching it recently i started looking at him much more.

to begin with, from the surface you would look at chrollo as a cold psychopath (thats extremely good-looking) but theres not much to go off of. he doesnt really have much of a personality. hes not kind, nor is he mean.. hes kind of emotionless. he doesnt not harbor anger or resentment shown in the manga and anime.

only when ~~uvo dies~~ does he really begin to show us his vulnerabilities. many can argue that him showing sadness is a mask only to show the troupe members that he cares. but the thing is,,, he doesnt cry infront of any of them? so what would be the point?

he truly cares for the troupe with his heart. each one of the members he holds close to him although it may not seem like it, he really does mourn for the loss of his loved ones (a.k.a. the troupe members).

he was brought up in meteor city, meaning his past most likely is not a very pretty one. my theory being that he was probably abused as a child. he mostly likely ran away and lead a life of having to steal and kill to survive at a young age. the abuse affected him to where he was so traumatized that he completely left his past identity behind and became **CHROLLO LUCILFER**, most likely he created that name for himself.

he lost his identity so he searches for validity of himself within the troupe, using each member as a defining part of himself.

loosing a troupe member is like loosing a part of himself. that is why he mourns so deeply for the loss of ~~uvo, kortopi and shalnark~~ and vows to kill hisoka ~~for the second time~~ after he learns of ~~kortopi and shalnarks deaths~~

chrollo really is such a misunderstood character and im so so so upset that we dont get a look into his past. that literally physically pains me that i dont know more about this man! i would kill for just a little insight of him and how thinks, how he loves, his days off, what he likes to do for fun, his hobbies, things he enjoys, his favorite foods.... i really would just want to know more about him.

i cannot possibly put into words how fucking much i love this man, yes hes quite terrible, and yes hes killed thousands of people, and yes i love him to death even knowing this. hes such an interesting chracter although we dont know much about him and his inner workings. the mystery that surrounds chrollo is what attracts me the most. i have the freedom to make all these headcanons and obsess over him, everything is up to my imagination and im okay with that.

the little details we are provided about him i cherish, his little quirks and kinks i cherish.

when he looks like steve carell i still love him.

hes the sexiest man alive? theres absolutely no doubt about that. hisoka tried it, yea killuas pretty but is he as pretty as chrollo? nah fam...

chrollo deserves the best and i really with hes able to find himself and his own identity one day. just like everyone else, chrollo deserves happiness, in large sums... he might deserve it more than anyone else to be quite honest.

hes worked his way up from the very very bottom of the chain to the top. now hes the boss. if you have watched hxh and know about meteor city, its a city of nobodies, its a dump where people send all their crap and unwanted items too, even children. chrollo growing up there had to have an extremely hardtime and due to those circumstances he became a specialist. meaning hes extremely strong and has his own unique abilities. not to mention his power?? Bandit's Secret is badass?? like imagine stealing other people's nen and being able to perfect it like chrollo? i ... im just completely stunned by the skill, power and talent this beautiful sexy man possesses. hes had to work his ass off day and night to get where his is now and i i ... im just completely stunned by the skill, power and talent this beautiful sexy man possesses. hes had to work his ass off day and night to get where his is now and i am so beyond proud of him for not being more fucked in the head considering his past.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE CHROLLO SO SOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH SO MUCH! HES SO PERFECT AND STRONG AND POWERFUL AND TALENTED AND SEXY AND WOW IVE NEVER SEEN SUCH A FLAWLESS MAN!!

i love him to death and wish for his eternal happiness and i would do anything for him to have it what the actual fuck..

losing a troupe member is like losing a part of himself. that is why he mourns so deeply for the loss of ~~uvo, kortopi and shalnark~~ and vows to kill hisoka ~~for the second time~~ after he learns of ~~kortopi and shalnarks deaths~~.

chrollo really is such a misunderstood character and im so so so upset that we dont get a look into his past. that literally physically pains me that i dont know more about this man! i would kill for just a little insight of him and how thinks, how he loves, his days off, what he likes to do for fun, his hobbies, things he enjoys, his favorite foods.... i really would just want to know more about him.

i cannot possibly put into words how fucking much i love this man, yes hes quite terrible, and yes hes killed thousands of people, and yes i love him to death even knowing this. hes such an interesting chracter although we dont know much about him and his inner workings. the mystery that surrounds chrollo is what attracts me the most. i have the freedom to make all these headcanons and obsess over him, everything is up to my imagination and im okay with that.

the little details we are provided about him i cherish, his little quirks and kinks i cherish.

when he looks like steve carell i still love him.

hes the sexiest man alive? theres absolutely no doubt about that. hisoka tried it, yea killuas pretty but is he as pretty as chrollo? nah fam...

chrollo deserves the best and i really with hes able to find himself and his own identity one day. just like everyone else, chrollo deserves happiness, in large sums... he might deserve it more than anyone else to be quite honest.

hes worked his way up from the very very bottom of the chain to the top. now hes the boss. if you have watched hxh and know about meteor city, its a city of nobodies, its a dump where people send all their crap and unwanted items too, even children. chrollo growing up there had to have an extremely hardtime and due to those circumstances he became a specialist. meaning hes extremely strong and has his own unique abilities. not to mention his power?? Bandit's Secret is badass?? like imagine stealing other people's nen and being able to perfect it like chrollo? i ... im just completely stunned by the skill, power and talent this beautiful sexy man possesses. hes had to work his ass off day and night to get where his is now and i i ... im just completely stunned by the skill, power and talent this beautiful sexy man possesses. hes had to work his ass off day and night to get where his is now and i am so beyond proud of him for not being more fucked in the head considering his past.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE CHROLLO SO SOSOSOSOSOSO MUCH SO MUCH! HES SO PERFECT AND STRONG AND POWERFUL AND TALENTED AND SEXY AND WOW IVE NEVER SEEN SUCH A FLAWLESS MAN!!

i love him to death and wish for his eternal happiness and i would do anything for him to have it what the actual fuck..

—————

ok so there’s are so many reasons why i really really love chrollos character and just admire him honestly. so i’ll space them out:

1) his character design!!!

-kuroro obviously is... a very attractive looking character!! and usually i’m not ?? idk i don’t really like characters /like/ him with the slicked back hair and crazy ass abs and weird fur coats but it honestly just started growing on me??

-HES SO CLEAN CUT!!! this man owns suits, fur coats and versace sweaters. ... he constantly gets HATED ON and made fun of ppl bc think his hair is fuckin greasy?? GREASY?? AREYOU KIDDING ME?? ur gonna tell me a man who wears belts and fur coats doesn’t shower?? bjtch his hair is gelled and he is KILLING IT!!!!

-throughout the series his style changes a lot!! he looks so good?? mans is so very fashionable (i’ll send examples)

-his mobage cards!!! BITCH HE LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD IN HIS MOBAGE CARDS!!

(mobage cards are from a hxh game that you can collect, they come out with official art of the characters in different situations and daily life, so just like characters dressed normally i guess)

he has this one mobage card of him in a casual outfit and OH MY GOD BITCH HE LOOKS SOOO GOOD!!! he’s wearing a white tank top and has this blue button down over it that’s not buttoned up with these jeans and his hair looks so good!!!!! also can’t forget his cross necklace.. we love a religious faithful man!

-SPEAKING of hair chrollos hair is constantly changing?? just like killua with the outfits, chrollo is the only other character that normal changes his clothes while the rest of them stay the same?? he’s so clean and gorgeous it makes me cry!!! from when he’s first introduced his hair is gelled back, to when he meets neon his hair is down nd .. bitch oh my god chrollo has semi long hair and it makes me deadass sob it looks SO GOOD. and right now in the recent manga chapters he has this messy down bedhead style it’s so sexy!!!

ok that was just part 1 about his character design let me start with part 2/3 what attracts me

2)HIS MYSTERY!!

-so chrollo is kinda i guess from the surface he’s a boring dude. there’s nothing noteworthy about his character. he isn’t funny nor is he kind. he’s kinda like... an empty shell of where /something/ should be. and it seriously ..... just adds to his character. his personality might not “shine” and he’s only really popular because he’s a hot antagonist but there’s SO MUCH MORE!! that people don’t look into revolving him.

-he gives off sooo many hints and foreshadows his identity loss so many times while he’s given screentjme and its sad??

sad that this amazing man that has worked so hard and become so very strong still cannot i guess identify himself within a crowd. he’s just ~there~ giving orders for the troupe.

-he truly believes that no one cares for him or relies on him. that everyone would be absolutely 100% unaffected should he die. and that?? i literally wanna smack him.-

(continuing i wanted to give a little background on the phantom troupe given chrollo is the leader)

-PHANTOM TROUPE-

so the phantom troupe is a group of 12 people all given numbers

ok so head = chrollo and legs = the rest of the members because the phantom troupe are also known as the spiders.

they’re thieves with chrollo as the leader and they come from meteor city which is basically a dump where nobodies live a.k.a. they lived a harsh life growing up.

-

ok so continuing with chrollo thinks he’s replaceable to the troupe. couldn’t be more false and it makes me upset that he thanks that? the troupe really really cares about him a whole lot given he’s literally the leader and he created the phantom troupe!! basically the only place these “thieves” feel like they belong. they’re all family. they fight like brothers and sisters and care so much for one another.

ok that brings this section to a close. this is getting extremely long so let me write my very last part. jeez i could go on for ages.

3.HIS STRENGTH.

-chrollo fights very uniquely and i know it’s kind of a weird thing i guess to bring up his fighting style and powers when discussing why i like him as a character but i really cannot help it.

-out of all the characters in hunter x hunter, chrollos powers have to be my favorite coming from an unbiased standpoint. it’s not even because he’s my favorite character, do i love his power, it’s just so fucking unique and interesting.

-

•when you watch hxh you’ll learn about powers and such (they call them nen) and the different types you can have, manipulator, conjuror, transmuter, etc.

there’s one power class that stands out from all the rest. while the normal powerclasses have built in powers you know things that are already predetermined, there’s one class called “specialist” and this is the rarest class.

-you guessed it, chrollo is a specialist. being a specialist gives you crazy overpowered abilities for short amounts of time like super regeneration, speed, etc. things like that. chrollos power is called “Bandits Secret” him being a thief and all its so fkn badass. he can literally steal other people’s power from them and use it for himself!! his power is lowkey complicated and has a lot of conditions that need to be met before he can use it but let me just say, the fact that chrollo can steal powers that aren’t even his and use them even better than the original user is so amazing. he’s BEYOND talented when it comes to combat skills hence why hisoka got obliterated in there fight. not only that but he’s an extremely graceful and careful fighter. he’s crazy good at planning strategies against his opponent and extremely smart.

——

ok so that’s all for my chrollo rant... uhh this was longer than intended i’m so sorry but yes i love chrollo with my entire heart he truly is my favorite character of all time and nothing will change that. thank u for coming to my ted talk.

[stay-midnight]

shoot... uniforms... 😔 seungmin is so precious aaaa 🥺🦋 uH toji has a 15 yr old son (in 2018) and I'm just three yrs younger than his son so 🤡 literally sleep 😤 aRe yOu sUrE yOuRe a dOm 🤨⁉️lol use the hinata picture when you're thirsting over pictures of vocalracha 😗😳 ALSO I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING‼️so during the past school year, my school split the students into two cohorts cuz of covid but combined the cohorts for finals week, so I got to see a lot of ppl I've never met before. and there was this one kid and when he walked into the classroom I immediately got kenma vibes (but I thought he was a girl) so I was like, potential hot girl crush 🤨⁉️but then I heard his voice and I was like "dang it's not a girl but his voice is nice" (the bi energy is huge here lol). and my math class had already finished our final so we went downstairs and played volleyball and then he started playing much after we started and he was pretty good and his hair. hiS HAIR. drop the shampoo pls kind sir I want those silky locks too 😔😭 it's just so nice 😭✋ neways me and my friends decided to go to petsmart after school to go look at frogs and I saw him outside with his group of friends and his mask was down and since my eyesight is fucking terrible and the sun is annoying bright, I couldn't really get the full details of his face but I could at least tell that he was attractive 😌 bUt hE wOuLdNt sToP sTaRiNg aT mE liKe when me and my friends were getting into the car he just kept staring at me and I was like ayO?? but I didn't think too much ab it. BUT U WANT SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT??? HERE U GO. so I saw him again on Thursday of finals week which is also yearbook day and I rly am fucking blind cuz I didn't even notice that he was in my English class until two days after we had it 🤡 and the class I was in before gave us popsicles and u know what that means 💀 literally looking suggestive af for no reason 😀 so I was sucking on my oRaNgE popsicle and my mask was down obviously 🙄 AND HE TURNS TO LOOK AT ME RIGHT WHEN I WAS ALMOST DEEPTHROATING THAT SHIT AND WE MAKE EYE CONTACT AND I JUST WANTED TO PASS AWAY 😭😭😭😭 and I literally haven't seen him since that day but I can't get him out of my head cuz like, usually I would forget and be like, "it was nothing" buT soMe wEiRd phenomenon is going on here 😩 and I saw a tiktok the other day and it was like, "have u every just stared at someone and it felt comfortable? u don't look away because it just feels so natural to u?" and I was like yes how tf did u know cuz that's literally what happened when I was getting ready to go to petsmart and the tiktok said it was something like a past life soulmate idk but I was like, sUs but neways that's the tea –🐱

i hate uniforms, why can't i wear a crop top to school 🙄🖐️ /j Yes, Seungmin the definition of duality

I- bestie 👁️👄👁️ i mean go simp for what you simp ig but like the age diff- 👁️ sleep is for the weak 😭😩✊ YAs im a dom for bang chan atleast 😤. So like this huh- I’d use it like this-🤭

Thats a whole ass romance story- First of all yes- the ✨bi energy✨ and the kenma vibes too, he seems hot- but neways your simp side is also coming out- the FROGS- i- 👁️👄👁️ The stare thoo 😏 hehehehe thats sus. BESTIE NOT THE POPSICLE AHAHAHAH BYEE THIS IS WHY POPSICLES SHOULDN'T BE EATEN IN PUBLIC- also omfg if that was me I wouldve taken a bite out of that popsicle harshly, signalling that i am not afraid to bite off a di- anyways BESTIE GO GET HIM, FORGET THE TSUKKI LOOKING GUY- AND SHOOT FOR HIM- 😩😩😩😩✨✨

[enjiyuuu]

Ikevamp matchups #2

Hey, can you please do an ikevamp matchup for me? I’ve never done one before so here we go- I’m a 157cm teen with black hair and dark eyes, I like wearing black hoodies and black suits me the best. Personality wise, I’m chill, but I also get more angry easily. According to my friends I’m funny (I’m a meme person) but sometimes I can get harsh. I rlly hate socialising, and I’m an introvert. Talking to ppl through the screen is perfectly fine for me, but talking face to face is something else. Im kinda insecure about myself when I go outside bc I rlly rlly hate ppl (most of the time kids staring at me for speaking another language or smthing,) so it’s rlly hard to get me to go outside. I sometimes don’t like speaking to ppl it’s hard bc I sometimes can’t speak clearly/words get jumbled up bc of my lisp. I’m the type of person who don’t follow the crowd on trends and stuff other ppl do bc I do my own way, and I’m the type of person who’s stopped giving a fck about stuff anymore. I’m the kind of person who don’t go outside much, and I usually stay home chilling on YouTube or Netflix (usually the not so popular shows), or listening to music. Speaking of music,I’m a music nerd and I play the violin and that’s my hobby- I’ve been playing for 7 years now and I’m also a piano dropout (I didn’t like it)- but anyways thats it (I think) I hope this is good enough and thanks :)

A/N : Thankyou for signing the matchup! :D and i’m sorry if i took a very long time to write it HSHSHHS i hope you don’t mind huhu. I have a very great time writing this, i hope you like it and have a nice day xoxo! 🌻 @need-ideas-for-a-new-username​

So, i match you with... Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!

Both of you aren’t the typical outgoing and talkative person, but at the same time the two of you found ease at each other existence.

At first, he is never going to know that he’ll fall for you because you’re so similiar to him. Nobody at mansions do think that way.

But sharing alot of similiarity with you, he can relate so many things with you, especially the part that you don’t like talk too much and hate socializing with people. Even though that he’s pretty good at keeping his social-butterfly facade when he’s with the other people, but it’s also make him feel so exhausted.

With you, it feels different. It feels much better. He doesn’t have to wear that mask, he could be himself whenever you around and he liked it.

Both of you don’t like going outside too much, so he settles your quality time with him at his music room.Just discussing about his music or your preferences in music. 

He can’t take his purple eyes from you when you’re playing the violin. He loves to watch you playing his violin. It sounds so lovely, he admits it. He also likes to make some music based on his feeling towards you.

Won’t admit it, but he is head over heels with all the things about you. Especially that you likes music too and play violin, your similiarity about him, and your personality.

A hoodie looks a bit weird in his eyes (because he never seen a 21st-century hoodie before and his style preferences is different, of course) but when you wore it, you look very cute and small (of course he didn’t say it out loud. That guy doesn’t want to make you angry. It’s just that... you’re too cute and he can’t bear it).

And of course, your style preference (hoodie and black colour) sometimes get criticized by some local noble women back then.

“Why? But my lady looks so gorgeous in black. If you have some time to criticized my lady, then please take a lot more time to fixing that attitude of yours.” He smiled, contrary to the words that he just say.

He know that you’re strong enough to stand up for yourself, but as your lover, he also wants to stand up for you too.

“Listen, there’s nothing wrong by being yourself. There’s nothing wrong by wearing black or that hoodie. I love it, just the way you are.”

After that, you two go inside carriage to go home. In the way, both of you didn’t say anything. Not because of fighting or something, it’s just that the both of you appreciate the silence that lingering inside while his hand are attached to yours. 

There’s nothing more he likes rather than his music and the moment when you’re with him.

other potential matches...... Jean D’Arc

[ryollie]

update post, gonna put under a read more. its gonna be rambly and honest abt how i feel on certain things, why i’ve been gone and what im gonna do from now on etc. tw for mental illness !

i’ve been inactive for a month, almost 2 i think? its kind of painful to evaluate everything to be honest. i’ve had my blog for half a year. i really loved and had fun in the hphm fandom and ive met great people. people come and go, and im alright with that. when i first joined, i never expected so many people would enjoy ollie, my first ever mc. i was just so so happy and wanted to draw and share more of my oc stories and creations with everybody. as time gone on, i started feeling isolated, and slowly started getting more hate for various reasons and i felt very overwhelmed. 

i’ve always tried my best to be kind to everybody and understand things from different perspectives but i realise that there are some people you can just never see eye to eye with no matter how hard u try. my mistake was trying too hard to get along with everybody. it rlly sucks when you find leaked convos of ppl you thought u were friends with insulting you, ppl you drew for and thought you had fun with talking smack behind ur back. its alright to not like me or my content ! i just dont see why ppl would interact positively with me and act a different way once my back is turned. i think its pretty...ugly, to be honest. if u rlly had an issue with me, dm me and lets talk it out civilly. i dont shy away from an honest conversation; if i truly did anything wrong i will admit to my mistakes, apologize and hopefully change for the better. we are all human, its normal to fuck up and theres always room for change.

its easy to say just ignore the hate and move on, and believe me thats exactly what i tried to do. it was really uncomfortable and i felt like i was just putting on a mask to remain positive, sociable and welcoming to everybody i interacted with. i did that for 3 months and overtime, it just crumbled. i felt really paranoid everytime i had an interaction, because i saw so much negativity about me that i wish i did not that i started to doubt every interaction i had. i didnt know if someone was pretending to be kind to me, i started to think what if they had heard bad things about me from others and were judging me etc, its a lot to handle. im a paranoid scizophrenic and feelings of paranoia manifest into auditory hallucinations for me. these feelings arent just a bad gut feeling. i hear people talking about me and how theyre going to hurt me because they hate me etc. its honestly really exhausting and its hard to tell whats real and fake and it makes me disassociate.

people believe what they want to believe. there’s always two sides to a story. i’m tired of being painted as somebody bad because of petty gossip, i’m tired of always needing to defend myself. once you’re on someone’s bad side, you’re judged and nitpicked for every single minor detail. its awful. if others vent, its alright because everyone has their problems and deserve to be heard! if i vent, its me being whiny and playing a victim card. people can easily twist your words to suit their narrative. words can hurt like a bitch, you know. i wish more people realised there’s weight in their words. 

and to address this if its unclear; i’m no longer in a relationship and i ended it myself. i just dont feel like im in a good place mentally to sustain a rs for a very, very long time. i would also appreciate it if people can stop associating me with my previous partner. i do not want anything to do with them. i wont disclose any details out of respect but please respect how i feel on this.

to sum up i’m sorry if i’ve ever hurt anybody. i’m just tired of the negativity and the indirects. people who know me, know me. i always try to be kind but i have my limits too. i disappeared for two months because i couldnt cope with it, but I'm willing to try again. i’ll be very cautious with who i interact from now on, and i hope you can understand why. im just protecting myself. i want to have fun drawing and creating content for me and my friends and not for the sake of others, as it should have been from the very start. i just want to have fun again and to slowly learn to trust people. thank you if you read this to the very end, it was just an honest and long ramble of how i’ve been feeling. i hope i can share more of ollie and my other ocs with everybody and that with time, i can let go of the painful things i’ve experienced before. 

[hcllenic]

(DOUGLAS BOOTH, CIS MALE) - Have you seen APOLLO DEMETRIUS BLACKTHORN?  APOLLO is in HIS SENIOR year. The HISTORY MAJOR is 23 years old & is  a SCORPIO. People say HE is CREATIVE, INDEPENDENT, CALLOUS and CYNICAL.  Rumors say they’re a member of CALLOWAY. I heard from the gossip blog  that HE IS NOT HIS FATHER’S BIOLOGICAL SON.

content warnings for death, drug use ?? i think thats it

he’s cupid’s brother

from a very wealthy family that rose to prominence around 1921, taking power in a variety of places. kind of like the kennedys. likely cursed. apollo claims he doesn’t believe in said curse, but the truth is more that he doesn’t want to believe in the curse.

moves from highs to lows really quickly – one week he’s extremely extroverted and ready to fight god and the next he’s alone in his dorm ignoring a paper in the name of wondering if he actually has an identity beneath the one that seems to just have been formed to get his family’s attention / approval / warmth

is honestly very defensive – i don’t mean in arguments, but rather when it comes to relationships. he’s the first one to cut and run because he tends to anticipate the fall before it happens. he tells himself he doesn’t care about his siblings because he’s honestly convinced they would sell his soul to satan for one corn chip.

nothing is eternal and he really knows this – he’s constantly waiting for death to come ‘round the corner. or something else, equally dramatic.

bit of a morbid sense of humour that not everyone appreciates.

almost has this idea that the rest of his siblings are gonna have to die if he wants to end up happy and successful which he KNOWS is absolutely wrong and not productive at all but like.... that shitty luck <3

grew up, for the most part, at his parent’s estate in romania but he really liked to travel and would do so often, after he turned sixteen

he thought he’d found a loophole around the curse / bad luck / whatever u wanna call it by simply not dating but this girl he was like FULLY in love w died in a hunting accident when he was fourteen over summer break (they’d met at boarding school) and he was like. hm. fuck. could be unrelated but.... hm.

so now if he has feelings for someone he just panics. he figured out he was bi and doesn’t really have that much internalized homophobia but he DOES have internalized cursephobia. if he thinks he’s into someone regardless of their gender he’ll ghost them or start a fight w them intentionally or start deliberately trying to notice their flaws

found out he wasn’t his father’s son bc he found a letter his mom wrote to his actual father which was never sent

he burned the letter because, at the time, he was terrified of anyone else finding out. he’s pretty sure it was the only evidence.

SUCH a hedonist. he will do whatever he thinks is the most entertaining until a deadline shows up at which point it’s time for apollo to take a ridiculous amount of adderall and finish a ten page paper in three hours. they’re often riddled with spelling mistakes but they have made some good points. he HATES making up his works cited tho its like pulling teeth w him

relatively responsible driver by day but smth about the night makes him REALLY wanna speed. prone to road... exasperation?? its not rage idk

he has like... contained anger issues like he’s never directed them at anyone he just wanders off to have a fit and then returns. hnstly pretty sure he works out to let off that steam

he’s kind of intelligent but he’s also such a fucking idiot. he had no idea how to cook / do laundry / do ANY of that at all until he was alone at university and, after a week of literally just buying new clothes instead of washing the ones he owned, finally googled how to use a washing machine

absolutely not a monogamist and you should not trust him <3 that said i feel like he’s not secretive about that one particular aspect of his personality like he’ll let people know that if they want a relationship he’s not the person to be approaching which tbqh is probably there to mask how deeply he actually would love to be in a fully monogamous and faithful relationship lol he’s a secret romantic just like... doesn’t wanna get hurt. and he CLAIMS he doesn’t believe in the family curse but that’s kind of bullshit. he does. a potential simp pretending he does not have the capacity to simp

can be awful at taking advice. he’ll listen to it and understand it but he’ll disregard it anyway

very bad at being optimistic. he does feel a bit cursed, again, even if he claims he doesn’t believe in said curse. the blackthorn bad luck always feels like its nipping at his heels.

he can be sooooo dramatic. he’s obnoxious <3

but he’s also like..... relatively independent? he doesn’t like asking for help and he feels like leaning on people too heavily is a shortcoming on his part so he just. will not.

really good at group projects like for some reason he feels too guilty about not actually giving them his all and will actually put effort in whereas when it comes to his own individual projects he’ll just say fuck it (unless he’s genuinely interested)

studying history w an economics minor because he figured he should go for something more or less related to capitalism to soften the blow of running to academia

a bit sensitive about the fact that he’s not actually related to his father by blood. it makes him think about all the conflicts he’d ever had with his father post finding out about his real parentage and like... when he thinks about all of that i think he realizes that his family’s love may very well be entirely conditional and he’s afraid of that. which might be why it almost seems, smtms, like he is actively trying to push them away because he thinks if he leaves first its Fine :)

rlly likes creative ventures he just LOVES working w his hands its so soothing to him. will often be in the pottery studio after dark. he can play piano

wanted connections:

close friends (or as close as he can get) – he seems a little detached and there are def moments where he just vanishes without a trace for a week but they seem to be okay with this and he loves them for it. never feels suffocated by them at all. is occasionally afraid his luck will negatively impact them but so far, so good.

they hooked up a few times then he ghosted them and now its AWKWARD

enemies. please !!!! its unrealistic that he wld be able to exist without ppl hating him

and maybe enemies to friends / enemies to lovers tropes can happen like... i love that.

they’ve known each other for a long time and neither of them trust the other but they have spent many nights together and would probably call each other friends if asked.

they’re similarly chaotic / detached / miserable and sometimes they lean heavily on each other because they don’t really have anyone else who gets it.

they committed a crime together once

they’re attracted to each other but he goes out of his way to avoid them bc he’s like . that seems like the WORST idea. it rlly seems like he actively hates them

classmates

and they were roommates (oh my god they were roommates)

someone he literally just argues with all the time. like thats the whole relationship

someone as obsessive as him who is willing to accompany him down history or science or whatever related rabbit holes and procrastinate with him. he wld die for them <3

[sidespromptblog]

The Anniversary: Part 1

Summary: Some time has passed since the events of Blank, however, soon enough Empathy and Logan's anniversary is coming up. With tensions still a little thick, Logan isn’t the only one having a little trouble with things.

Roman knew something was the very moment that he walked into the kitchen, he wasn’t exactly sure just what it was that was bothering him, or rather he did. It was just that he certainly didn’t want to say it to Logan’s face, or the sole person he had an issue with. Nevertheless, he knew something was off the moment he saw Logan standing there at the counter wearing a familiar striped shirt, happily spreading jam across some of his buttered toast.

It shouldn’t have seemed too odd really, ever since Logan had gotten his emotions back, and since things had smoothed out a little between all of them. The logical side had been a lot happier with his guard dog constantly standing next to him, to Logan things went by as usual, even if for the rest of them. Or rather just Roman in general, everything seemed way too different than before.

But that my fault isn’t it? I should know that. After all, I’m the reason he got screwed in the first place. Roman scolded himself sourly, and a frown tugged at his lips. Yes, he really should have known that nothing would have gone back to the way it was before, that was wishful thinking. Something that was his department, even if he wished that it wasn’t.

Speaking of guard dogs though, Roman watched with a varying degrees of jealousy as Empathy snuck in behind Logan, and Roman’s insides boiled hotly at the sight of Logan’s tie hazardously and rather lazily tied around Empathy’s neck. He had to hold his breath though, the moment he noticed Empathy wearing the nightshirt that was Logan’s as well. What took the cake though, was how Empathy looped his arms around the logical side’s waist. Drawing Logan’s back closer to the other’s chest.

The jealousy is a raging fire by this point.

“Darling dearest, honeydew, my wild little bruise…” With each word Empathy placed a lazy kiss on Logan’s neck, and feeling the other’s body shiver he couldn’t help but to grin into the side of his neck before Logan let out a soft chuckle. However, when Logan turned, Empathy soon found himself to be silent, as the warmth of the other’s lips pressed against his, silencing him as Empathy went lax against him.

Logan’s kiss tasted of the sweetest and most tastiest jam in the entire world.

“Happy anniversary, Emmie,” Logan whispered the moment that their lips parted, giving just the widest grin as Empathy’s eyes stayed closed for a second longer, as if the other side could still imagine the taste, the warmth, and feeling of Logan’s kiss even after he was already gone. It warmed Logan’s heart to see such a bedazzled look on his boyfriend’s face, then again, Empathy had always acted like it was his first time in love. No matter what Logan did, and no matter how long they had been together. There was never a dull moment between them, it was as lively as a part that never ended.

Empathy was the kind of party that Logan never wanted to leave.

“Honestly Emmie, I would find much satisfaction out of kissing you again. But,” Logan stuffed a piece of his toast into Empathy’s mouth, before pecking a kiss onto the corner of the other’s mouth. “You need sustenance first.” Smirking to himself Logan strutted away to the fridge, even the way that he moved was different than how he used to be with the others. Roman could see it as clear as day, the logical side seemed almost more at east, or...looser with Empathy. Even the simple action of Logan rifling through the fridge was different, no cold calculation of what would be most efficient.

Logan usually went for eggs and coffee, something that would give him a lot of energy for everything that he usually had to accomplish during the day. But even that was now turned on its head, as Logan looked right past it.

How often had Logan been wearing a mask with them? How often did he feel the need to hide away from them, and only show his true self with Empathy? How...and why couldn’t it be them instead?

All of these questions burned inside of Roman, they tumbled around in his mind like tumbleweed in an empty dry desert that hadn’t seen rain in years.

“Mornin.” A voice next to him grumbled, mere seconds before a pair of lips pecked him on the cheek, and blinking quickly Roman found his attention directed back over to Virgil who had come shuffling out of his room. His hair, in all honesty, looked like a bird’s nest, or like he’d lost a battle with a guy who had fists made out of balloons. It stuck up in every which way, an honest to god mess. Roman loved it.

“Good morning my knight in dark armor.” He chirped out, his cheery tone garnering a wince from Virgil, before the anxious side merely patted him on the shoulder. Too cheerful then, he’d have to tone it down some. “Did you sleep well?” He instead asked, holding his arms open as an invitation, and just like that Virgil’s head thumped against his chest.

His questions got a tired groan in response. Up until three in the morning as per usual then.

Patting the top of Virgil’s head, Roman’s eyes caught another movement off to the side, as Patton’s door opened and the moral side, with the pace of an actual snail.  Dragged his feet out of his room, one side of his hair was completely slicked up, and his cat pajamas that he usually wore hung off of his shoulders as he slouched while walking. Squinting his eyes, Patton focused them on the cup of coffee that Logan usually left out for him, and reaching for it he fumbled for a second before picking it up. He inhaled deeply, the smell of caramel and hazelnut coffee was like the essence of the only thing that was good about mornings. The moral side sipped at it, the life slowly coming back into his eyes the more empty his cup got.

Eventually, they all ended up eating at the table, a pile of bacon, sausage, and banana pancakes in the very middle.

It had become almost usual for Logan to sit beside Empathy, as well as for the two of them to finish before everyone else. Even if they did wait until everyone else had finished before they dispersed.

“Lo,” Bringing his head up from where he was reading his book, the logical side in question glanced over to Empathy. The sight of the guilty smile made his insides twist in an unpleasant fashion, but just for a moment. “I’ll need to make some preparations for tonight, as usual you know? But…” Empathy chuckled, scratching the back of his head as he looked almost sheepish. “This time, you can’t go into your room. I’ll need it, is that...alright?” Empathy hesitated in asking, his leg bouncing up and down as his fingers fiddled with the end of a sucker stick that had been relieved of its candy.

Luckily the look he got back was understanding, a look that made his insides relax and melt all at once. The image of Logan’s uncaring eyes glaring back at him was still all too fresh, he knew that it was silly, that it was preposterous. But there were still some days where he expected to wake up next to Logan, and to see the cold stare of Apathy looking back at him like he was looking in a mirror.

It was silly, but then again...there was nothing silly about losing the one you loved the most.

“It’s fine Emmie, there’s tons of stuff for me to do down here, and I’ve got a surprise of my own that I need to get ready as well. So don’t you worry, take your time.”

Roman fumed in silence as Logan leaned in, the creative side’s hands were clenched tightly under the table, so tight that his knuckles turned white and he felt his hackles rising.

At least until he felt Virgil’s palm resting on the back of his hand.

Looking over, he too saw a look of understanding, pained understanding. This...this was something neither of them had expected, and something that had hurt the both of them. However, Virgil seemed to be taking it in a much better way than Roman was, that was for sure.

So he took a calming breath, as Logan pulled away and Empathy scooted his chair out to head on upstairs. However, the moment that Empathy glanced over to Roman, he felt his insides furiously twisting as Empathy sent him one last sly and yet incredibly coy look. That only served to bring his emotions right back up to the surface, where they simmered. However, even with the look, even with Empathy clearly knowing. Roman couldn’t help but to feel even worse, he couldn’t help but to almost hate himself for how jealous he felt of Empathy.

Logan was happy, shouldn’t that matter more than any frustration he felt?

Tagged:

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[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[transrightsjimin]

im so so fucking overwhelmed by absolutely the tiniest things jfc

i had to rush w walking to my sleep therapy appointment nd i think i was 1 minute late or so but the therapist saw me nd we had our appt which went well, she recommended me to try to make a weighted pillow w 2 kg of rice and that sounds very fun, and of other exercises too, and then i had to sort out my route, walked to a metro station to go to a hospital to get my blood drawn but bc the screen displayed the wrong stops and i didnt listen to the computer voice bc i listened to music, so i had to get out nd take another metro two stops back, then at the hospital entrance i was told i could just request a new blood drawing form at the desk i had to go to anyway (i lost the original bc i got it months ago bd it suddenly disappeared), which sounded weird bc i remember someone telling me before to go to a different desk, but i went there, drew a number until it was my turn, went to the desk, was indeed sent back downstairs to the other desk, walked around like 3 times (including walking outside bc thats the only route for going back to the right desk so i had to give my info at the entrance again) bc the arrows on the floor were very confusing when you enter a floor halfway through a hall nd i didnt want to walk into the wrong direction when there were arrows bc of covid, constantly stressing bc it got a bit more busy while earlier i was told i could come back bc it was so quiet, then finally drew a number again for the desk near the blood drawing room bc i finally had my form, got my blood drawn, went to toilet, went to a shop back nd forth bc i was hungry but they basically only had chocolate stuff nd candy nd i know having eaten chocolate makes me rly sick in public transport but i bought a bueno thingy anyway, went outside again, stressed bc my phone is way lower battery level nd it was so suffocatingly hot in the hospital that i didnt know how much to put on, suddenly had an impulse to sit down outside on a bench near a tree bc there were multiple beches nd i thought oh why dont i try duolingo again bc its been ages nd i need to sit down so i can write in my notebook! then got stressed bc they were all soaking wet wood despite it not having rained today nd it looks greenish nd gross anyway, but normally other public benches r always covered in bird shit or rly tiny bc they hate homeless ppl, so i sat down despite being stressed abt how im wearing pastel pants nd theyre prob rly gross rn and stressed abt the possibility of ppl walkig by while im mask-less bc im eating or drinking nd stressed abt me forgetting to put it back on bc im forgetful nd stressed bc i wanted to try to clean my room nd wash my hair for days now and it still didnt happen bc im always too tired nd bored w doing necessary tasks nd im abt to have a meltdown rn nd crying nd i HATE it!! i wanted to try to sit somewhere in public in a sort of quiet space near grass nd trees, like even if theres cars nd ppl around i thought it might help but it was too late bc im already crying from fatigue nd embarrassment bc ppl can see me cry in public!! like i dont get how ppl enjoy being outside, ppl can see u all the time nd ur never free from their stares, its so embarrassing!! i kind of want to go home already so im free from embarrassment in public but im also not looking forward to going there bc my room is still a mess nd needs to be cleaned nd i need to wash my hair nd im not sticking to the shower scedule tht my autism coach gave me, like even if i do shower its usually not on the dates that are on the sheet, bc she included certain days of the week which i proposed but it doesnt work out tht way nd i feel guilty, but moreover im not looking forward to going home bc the way back is either like, walking very long to and from public transport stops nd my feet r already killing me, while the other routes involve less walking but more switching transport methods on the way there nd its so frustrating bc last time i could just come here in one go. i know im whining a lot abt absolutely nothing nd only loking for things to get upset by but i just needed to vent