#thats one ed habit i never want to form

[miguenhasthoughts]

05/09

The spring wind rubs along my bare legs. The scent of flowers carried on the breeze. Sun rays trickling down on the back of my neck. The blue sky invigorates the soul. The butterflies are fluttering unable to escape my mortal chest.

This week has been really affirming. Keeping my legs shaved feels so nice. My legs are so soft and I love showing them off. I’ve been keeping my nails painted. Being encouraged to try new make up and it feels good. Waiting on my mascara to show up is less so. Never realized how feminizing mascara can be alone. Now that we ran out I feel impatient to get back to experimenting. I feel more confident being myself out in public and I have been taking in more trans media to encourage me to be more honest and open with myself. My mom has been more curious and opening to learning what I’ve been feeling me and teaching me things about womanhood that I may not have known. It’s really sweet and makes me happy where I want to cry out of joy.

Sam has been feeling dysphoric about their gender and I feel so bad for them. They have a long road ahead of them. They finally have health insurance so getting the ball rolling for them is finally a possibility. I’m happy for them and I want to do everything in my power to make them feel good. Thats always been a priority for me. I love them so much and they deserve to be happy. They are such a good person.

I have two dates this week. It was my third date with May last night and my first date with J tonight. I’m kind of tired ngl. All the driving has been giving me a lot of experience so that’s been good for me at least lol May is so sweet. Our autism seems to be on the same wavelength. She is super supportive and loves to be creative and talking about every little thing that pops in her head. She talks a lot but I like that, I love listening and she is so interesting. We had sex for the first time. I was scared ngl. She was the first cis person I’ve slept with since I started my transition. She was super supportive through it all. Since my sex drive has been so low I haven’t pleasured myself in awhile and my girldick didn’t work this time around. I’m scared it may have started to atrophy. She made sure to reassure me she didn’t mind. She got to be a selfish brat because of it which was still fun. I need to talk to my doctor about this though because I still want my dick lol

We practically napped together after the session and I’m glad we were able to share an intimate moment. It was nice to be able to connect with someone socially, intimately and sexually. I can’t help to get butterflies. She is also quick to get butterflies too. We kind of teased each other about being quick to emotions lol

J has had a lot on their table. Their cat is sick. She’s overworked and she is taking on even more than she needs to. She has a good heart. I told her if she wanted to reschedule she shouldn’t feel bad about it. She invited me over instead so that’s interesting. I’ve never went to someone’s house for a first date. So I’m a little intimidated but they’ve only shown themselves as a saint so I feel like I should not worry. Honestly I think she’s looking for more hands to help with the cats and I love cats so here’s to new experiences lol

Anyways life has been good and I think recovering has been great. As far as the ED. I am eating some but it’s still pretty low. I’m trying to stuff my face but it is hard. I’m still hiding it from my loved ones. I’m afraid May also has a form of ED. I’m catching her doing similar habits and I don’t know if it will be healthy to date them if that’s the case but we will cross that bridge I guess. I lost forty pounds and yet I still feel like a fatass. I should talk to my therapist. I’m not delusional enough to delude myself that this is healthy.

[analogousanybody]

Dinner with the family went okay. I feel like I ate a lot but I lost 0.8 pounds when I weighed this morning (I weigh every morning) so I guess we’re okay??? 

Also got very drunk and lost track of my glasses soooooo I’ll have a headache until I find them again.

[junisfics]

addressing this post — 06/08/21

tw: mentions of: eating disorders, "skinnyphobia", fatphobia, sexual assault, rape, racism.

note: it is very probable that i may add things onto this post as things progress, so please be patient with me. i'm going to open up my ask box to be open to criticism, but i will not be responding to any that aren't questions.

to provide context.

the origins of this post has come from an earlier thread found here. in this thread, said user created some sort of “blocklist” with a list of tagged users and what they’ve done wrong. in said post, it’s stated that i defend individuals who write noncon/dubcon, which is true. as a victim of sexual assault and rape i find rape fiction as a form of a way i gain my control back, but thats besides the point.

in response to this post, i created a list of things that ive also done that could be seen as problematic which you’ll be able to see if you scroll a little lower. in this list, i disclose a few things; some of which are sarcastic, and others which are not. it is my mistake that i did not include tone indicators to differentiate the sort.

i thought that it was okay to make a joke out of this situation, which i truly shouldnt have thought. my intention was to make the “victims” of that post feel better about their inclusion in it by joking about the subject. i didn’t intitally take this post as something serious, which is why i was so open about joking about it. i always saw block lists as something petty or something to joke about, which is why i joke about it.

racism.

(technically ethnicity, but mentions of me being white were also brought up)

in this list, i start with the fact that ive called my friend callie (who is mexican) a b*aner. which is a slur used against mexican people. i am mexican. im 75% mexican, as an estimate, for i do not know my full history due to the fact that im adopted. but also, even though i am mexican, i am decently white passing depending on context. on days where i straighten my hair, im white. but on days where i wear my hair naturally, its very hard to tell what race/ethnicity i am. 

as a mexican person, i have faced discrimination both societally and systematically for being mexican. obviously, since im white majority of the time, societal prejudice towards me isnt as great as systematic prejudice is. but there have been moments where i have been called slurs for my appearence (whether or not those slurs applied to me)

given the fact that i have been derogatorily called a b*aner, i believed that i had every right to say this word given the fact that it has been used against me, and because i have been mexican.

im so incredibly sorry if my use of the slur has brought hurt to anyone. although that was not my intention to hurt anyone, i realize that i have hurt people in the process and im incredibly sorry for doing so.

also, the fact that ive brought race/ethnicity up has been heavily brought into question. the only reason i included the fact that ive said “racist” things towards my friend callie was to show that i was being sarcastic with my following statement that im “skinnyphobic”

“skinnyphobia”

this was one of the situations where i am at fault for not using a tone indicator. i am completely aware that skinnyphobia does not exist, i am also completely aware that hurt that skinny people may feel in society is no where near the oppression fat people feel.

the reason i included this as a bullet point was because me and my friend group have a running joke about being “skinnyphobic” due to the amount of hate my fat friends have recieved from skinny girls both online and in their pasts. we all know that skinnyphobia isnt real. this is similar to how we also joke that we are “racist to white people”. we also know that racism towards white people does not exist, the same way that “skinnyphobia” does not exist. our joking about this was purely satirical and ironic.

i realize that ive hurt many of my fat AND skinny followers by the inclusion of this poor joke and im incredibly sorry for doing so. it is completely my fault for not including a tone indicator, but it is also my fault for thinking that this would be an okay joke to make.

fatphobia.

next in the list of things was my inclusion that i used to run a thinspo blog. a while ago, before i wrote fanfiction, this blog used to be a thinspo blog. i have been very open about the fact that i used to be very mentally ill, had a very bad eating disorder, and that this blog used to be a thinspo blog. since then, this blog has been completely wiped of all content including any sort of thinspo or pro eating disorder content.

i believed that it was okay to joke about the fact that i formerly used to run a thinspo blog because of the fact that ive changed so much since then. im absolutely embarassed of the person i used to be and how pro-ed i used to be as well. although i am still healing, and i still have trouble with my eating habits, i am in no way near as unhealthy or mentally ill as i was then.

it came to my attention through this post that someone who was fat was deeply offended by my joking about how i used to run a thinspo blog. i addressed it in that post, which you can read if you want to.

that post and my response was taken as a joke, i never intended my response to come off as a joke, it was completely genuine. i believed that i had every right to joke about my traumatic past given the fact that it was mine, but given that, i had failed to take into consideration on how my jokes about my past may effect other people.

i am terribly sorry if me joking about a thinspo blog offended you. eating disorders arent funny, thinspo blogs arent funny, and using my own experience with an eating disorder shouldnt be used as an excuse to joke about one.

also, on the topic of eating disorders, the eating disorder i specifically had (anorexia) is heavily centered around fatphobia. societal desires to be skinny, as well as my own desire to be found pretty in the eyes of other people, drew me to developing an eating disorder that caused me to be severly underweight.

in my past, i see how my desire to be skinny was fatphobic. i absolutely understand that and im so incredibly sorry if my experience has brought anyone pain or harm.

since that time when i had anorexia, ive healed immensely. ive learned to love and accept all bodies and all people. even though my actions in the past have had fatphobic intentions, i can gurantee that i am not fatphobic now. ive tried my best to be an active advocate against fatphobia, to speak out against the biases towards skinny people in fanfiction. 

i can claim everything i want, but claims can do nothing for you, and your opinion on me heavily relies on my actions. but my actions have shown otherwise, and in the process i have hurt many of my fat followers by the revelation of me previously owning a thinspo blog.

in the end, ive hurt many people today both intentionally and unintentionally and im truly sorry for my actions. i should have realized that my experiences with such topics should not be taken the same as others experiences, and my comfortability with jokes is not the same as others comfortability.

[drabbles-of-writing]

Hi, I just got away from a very homophobic family gathering for Christmas and am in need of fluff. Please?

Anon I’m gonna fight yr family & Yes you will get Fluff of the Storybook variety in my dying wifi

When Luz has Fire Insides, aka, fire heating her up or preparing to b Blasted, n she has the outlines of her ribcage and rings in her neck showing through like the in-betweens of her scales are made of lava, Gus REALLY likes to trace them. He finds them so cool and they’re v warm to the touch n Luz giggles every time he does. Once this Fire Inside thing happened and Amity pressed her face into Luz’s Glowing Neck n nuzzled it and damn if Luz didn’t become a heater for the whole castle right then. Also when ‘putting herself out’ in this state its really fuckin funny bc she just Puffs Up before deflating like a balloon and a whole CLOUD of smoke comes out of her mouth.

Em passes the time counting Viney’s spots (thank you Punk) and tracing them. Usually this is when Viney is laying down in the Deer Loaf and Em is leaning against her dramatically and bored. Viney catches her out of the corner of her eye n finds it v adorable until Em started being Loud abt it and touching them whenever n Viney didn’t mind but Goddamnit Em We’re In Public.

Ed sometimes has a ~mental breakdown~ when Jerbo is vibing (in rabbit form) in the castle so he’ll just. hop up onto his bed n let Ed hold him during this. its not a pretty sight and Jerbo is almost always squished but he has never once complained n just nuzzles closer to him. also consider: as a stim or a way to let out anxiety/anger, Jerbo will thump his foot on the ground. fun fact!! real rabbits do it when angy but Jerbo also picked up the habit of doing it to let out steam.

Luz: legally I can do whatever dumb things I want when around the Healing Pool bc I can just jump in and I’m fine Willow: thats not how it works and you know it Luz, already in a giant tree: I can’t hear you over the sound of me doing whatever I want

Willow has a bunch of illegal magical plants she grows in her backyard and one of them happens to be basically catnip but for dragons and Luz once spent an entire afternoon getting high as fuck on those plants she continuously chews on until her friends finally found her and dragged her home. Luz was incredibly loopy and hanging off Amity like a piece of jewelry. poor girl gay-panicked so much that Willow had to step in to carry Luz. Jerbo also likes to hang out there bc Plants Are Cool and also he likes to experiment w them.

Luz is VERY expressive physically. hands, wings, tail, ears, all of it is constantly moving and expressing her emotions. this has resulted in her Tail Around The Leg trick but also slinging a wing around Amity protectively and tugging her closer which does Wonders for both of them lemme tell you. also brings a lot of attention to her ears by moving them a lot so Yes Willow has at one point grabbed one and yanked on it when scolding Luz and she was V Whiney abt it. her tail also thumps on the ground like a dog wagging its tail when shes overly excited or has Growing Excitement and sometimes she’ll turn around and try to hold it down and Amity finds it the cutest thing ever but Luz is always embarrassed bapy abt it

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[murdocsmacattack]

how murdocs obsession with mac has evolved and escalated  part 3

hole puncher

this is gonna be long as hellll but worth the read i promise

out of all the cells in all the world..you finally walked into mine

sooo the light of murdocs lif- i mean  mac walks into murdos holding cell for the first time after there last encounter and murmur lights up like a fuc&ing Christmas tree ,the smile is so genuine that the audience can feel murdocs excitement through the screen , so much so that his disappointment when maddy appears just behind him is also evident

murdoc was obviously hoping this would be a one on one chat , his irritation with maddys precedence only reduces when maddy demonstrates she has some teeth and even then murdoc only shows a mild amount of interest in her he "likes her a lot" tho apparently thats not enough to make her as interesting as macgyver , the conversation maddy wants to have with him is in fact , actually interesting , and yet despite maddy being in the room its mac that has his interest and holds it even when maddy is the one actually addressing him and he is the one addressing maddy , its mac that has 99.9% of his focus and attention , to the point that he even looks back and forth between them as if to see how the conversation hes having with maddy is effecting mac ,in fact the former statement at maddy and the way in witch it is said while looking at macgyver makes the statement itself almost seem like some aggressive innuendo directed at him even tho murdoc was addressing maddy , and thats just the start of murdocs fuc&ed up flirting that will follow

exhibit b

murdoc continues with the statement that this visit is "a pleasure" so much so that hes not even bothered they dragged him away from the bold and the beautiful (by the by , the fuck Chanel murdoc be watching cause that shit dont play here anymore ) mac explains there here because murmurs been hired to kill someone , cue murdoc emoji

murdoc gets all giddy thinking hes going on a trip in phoenixes favorite rocket ship , tile mac shuts that shit down and says there going to cosplay instead , murdoc again cracks a genuine smile complete with creepy laugh and proclaims macgyber is simply "delightful" but that thats not enough for murmur to play dress up with him , and instead states suggjestivly that he needs more motivation then the simple challenge set in front of him,to witch i have little doubt that if actually asked what he wanted the answer murdoc would have given would have had something to do with the boy sitting accross from him and a little human wreckage .

all i want to do is be more like me and less like you 

after we get a peek behind the Vail at murdocs humanity and  maddy convinces our friendly neighborhood physio to play doctor- i mean teacher with mac , murdocs habit of whereing his obsession on his sleeve can begin in earnest , mac and murdoc are left to themselves and no sooner does murdoc get mac alone does he start playing with him , macs simple questions are met with playful wit , until murdoc remarks on macs natural innocence in comparison to himself , and that if mac wants to overcome that innocence then macs going to have to succumb to murdoc and let him in

“good boy “

step one to this is apparently a hands on teaching moment, murdoc sends his little duckling out into a trial run with a couple whos daughter was murdered , and oh boy does murdoc looove having this kind of power over our boy , with his eyes on the screen and his mouth in macs ear, his delight at whats unfolding on the screen in front of him is quite clear, his role as the guiding hand to his murder virgin is a new dynamic between them that has murdoc buzzing with excitement and real pride when macgyver does anything right to the point where murdoc dauls out praise filled to the brim with sexual undertones when hes genuinely impressed ,as the meeting continues murdoc again reminds mac that if he wants in to his head he must let his darkness in in turn , but mac still struggles with this leading to failure

sins of the father but not the mother

holy shit was this little tid bit of a seance interesting to dissect , its such a small suddle statement on murdocs part that i dont think even mac caught it nor did murdoc actually fully realize he did it , but its so telling on what murdoc thinks of mac , and despite wanting to be the one to kill him , the feelings murdoc has regarding macs very existence that its a pinical moment despite its shortness , and its made even more interesting because its done completely through statements about macgyvers parents , not macgyver himself , mac storms back into murdocs cell enraged at the knowledge that murdoc kills for the mere pleasure of killing well "sometimes"

murdoc explains he wanted mac to use his failure to learn  the truth on his own so murdoc could then teach him further through his mistakes, fair enough and completely normal teacher behavior , until murdoc tries to make a personal connection between them by telling a story about his daddy eating peanuts witch murdoc is "allergic to" and then proceeds to make a creepy parallel where there the same only on 2 sides of the spectrum , and yet despite the lies it is laced with i truly believe this was an honest attempt to connect on murodcs part ,murdoc explaining that he believed killing was right, was a genuine act of openness , murdoc isnt actually obligated to explain himself in this sanario , but he does so regardless beacues doing so forces macgyver to understand him on a basic level even if he very much dosnt agree with him and dragging mac down to this level , who as a person sees the world in black and white , is a way in witch murdoc can reach him , and murdoc wants to reach him , murdoc lectures about the constant between predator and prey but hes seen first hand that thats not exactly what macgyver is, macgyver is a lamb but with teeth who knows how to use them , its new and something murdos never seen before and it makes him want to understand mac and just as much be understood by him

and again remember that prominent thyme i talked about ? murdoc just cant seem to keep his eyes off mac , tho this time around in this space where its just the 2 of them murdoc seems to want the favor returned , murdoc makes a creepy little head swivel move to try to maintain eye contact with mac when mac looks away  and it only solidifies the above idea for me ,murdoc wanted to look in macs eyes and wanted mac looking at him  the fact that he would want this at all is surprising , eye contact is a pretty straight forward form of body language, murdoc is making it clear he wants macs attention just as much as mac holds his and the act itself holds a strange undertone of intimacy

but this message isnt received mac not only looks away but continues to avoid further eye contact , until murdoc pulls him back in with a simple statement " I know that your sweet mother has passed, and you have my condolences." is all it takes to grab macs attention, it grabbed mine to, mostly becuaes of the statement that followed "But dear old daddy's still alive and well.I wonder what he's doing today.Oh, I think it's his fishing day." its as small and simple as the statement above it , and yet its said with a completely different tone , murdoc holds macgyvers mother in completely different regrades then macgyvers father , and the proof is in the words and tones them selfs , murodc says both as a jab meant to force mac back into the conversation and from what weve seen from murdoc thus far we know hes not one to pass up opportunists to play on sore spots to coax out negative reaction witch in this case seems to be the point

and yet thats exactly what murdoc does ,what is said regarding macs father is mocking and sarcastic murdoc makes a point to remind mac that his father is alive but not here and the words carry an undertone of distaste , however the only thing murdoc has to say in regards to macgyvers mother is, she was sweet , shes gone, you have my condolences, thats it , thats all ! murdoc makes this statement and then moves on and never touch it again , while murdoc was willing to verbally obliterate macs father to dig at him , macs mother is spared this tasteless treatment and what is no doubt sacred ground as far as macs concerned is kept well..sacred , why?

because macgyvers mother is just that ,sacred ground , while its not surprising that murdoc would have such blatant disregard for macs father given his abandonment and what murdoc has gone through to protect his own son ,his positive regard when it comes to macgyvers mother is as i said very telling but simple, macs mother is the reason hes here sitting in front of murdoc , shes the reason murdoc has had the chance to have this person who frustrates and integers him to no end , who makes him feel such passion , in his life ,in a world of choice where anything can happen macgyvers mother made the choice to conceive him , keep him , and then brought him into the world , in her short time on the earth she ensured that mac was born and was the person he was, she gave him to the world and by extension , gave him to murdoc , macs mother ensured his existence and murdoc has such intense feelings regarding macs existence  that that fact alone gains her murdocs respect

when murdocs words about daddy   do in fact cause the intended reaction however all murdoc can do is smile wide and say "thats my boy " ..kinky      

  from murdoc with lies    

macgyver returns fresh from his resent victory to simply give his thanks to his number one fan , murdoc brushes him off and in reply macgyver insinuates that in the short time theyv been together he now knows  and understands him better, murdoc  licks his lips and stacks his claim by saying hes for any outcome that keeps mac alive until murdoc can have his way in regards to him,  but also reminds mac not to get ahead of himself as he shoves a peanut in his mouth  in front of him to prove a point , however he also unintentionally proved another point , even tho murdoc completely lies to pretty much everyone else, he never completely 100% bull shits with mac , he clearly did love how peanuts tasted on his tongue seeing as he STILL eats them .again more honesty . and i believe this had everything to do with the respect mur has for mac

mac goes to leave the room slightly dejected and murdoc simply reminds him hell not let anyone else have him and whats happening between them isnt over, with a fiat smile ,

and there you have it guys look out for part 4 and 5 coming your way :)  

[prodbytoil]

the day is finally over so i have time to think about what happened this morning

i was looking into my bathroom mirror as i changed because i was running late (i usually get ready in my room facing away from my vanity(?) mirror) i paused and thought to myself "i like the way my body looks today"

this almost never happens 🥺 i avoid checking my reflection because i cant see what everyone tells me they see and when i do i focus in (like if im brushing my teeth i only look at my mouth) i dont really have photos i take of myself without some sort of filter... i wont say i hate the way i look but its more just like not comfortable after the shit ton of therapy sesh i dont feel like what im looking at is me its managable on most days but sometimes i just u know 🌀 spiral 🌀and thats not good

every once in a while i do feel like my vessel is my vessel but those never last a couple hours at most.... got home from work not that long ago i thought to myself "yeah i still like the way my body looks today" as i changed into my pj

im very proud of myself this really puts into perspective how far i have come... not gonna lie similiar moments happen more and more often these days i cooked and ate pasta (second most triggering food for me) for dinner the other day i didnt binge afterwards the idea didnt even cross my mind at all 🥺 and then i remember i refuse to go to bed hungry now i started taking care of my whole body without even realizing it i put on body lotions after every shower (which is daily) i stopped boredom or comforting eating somewhere along the way i cook with oil now i still am a picky eater and i still dont like eating around strangers but i can do that if i need or even want to now sometimes i feel like wearing form fitting short sleeves clothes and i would wear them yeah i still would wear a loose sweater on top and i still bring a jacket w me all year round but i take them off when the temp rises but this wouldnt even happen a year ago and this list of tiny accomplishments keep going

recovery feels so lonely and impossible at times but just keep tryng please dont give up on urself you are worthy of your effort and time theres gon be good days bad days methods that work habits that dont theres a saying in chinese 滴水穿石 even if its just one droplet of water if it falls down to the same rock every single day give it enough time there be a hole in the rock the person who observe from the same window days after days may not even notice the erosion is taking place but a person revisiting to the same spot after a couple years will be amazed by the power of water droplets im not even on the other side of ed yet but i already feel so good can you imagine whats it gonna be like if i do this for another 4 years i cant imagine so i guess ill have to wait and see

if you are still reading lets fucking go man we got this whatever struggles you are going through if you keep going one day it will be through you know what im saying we got this we really do

[thenineteenseventymine]

Yooo thanks for the nomination @drivelikeudo I loved reading yours!

rules: copy this post into a new text post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when you are done tag up to 10 people.

A. Age: 17

B. Biggest fear: bridges make me feel so physically sick like i start shaking on a bridge but I’m not necessarily afraid of heights because i love rollercoasters. Weird

C. Current time: 2:40 pm (Sunday, feb 12-my brothers birthday!)

D. Drink you last had: milk

E. Everyday starts with: moisturisation bitchezzz

F. Favourite song: probably This Must Be My Dream atm

G. Ghosts, are they real?: I don’t think about that kinda stuff very much, reckon it’s unlikely haha

H. Hometown: if i say the actual name I may have to move haha so I’m just gonna say the midlands of Ireland I. In love with: this could be anything I suppose but I feel like in my life there’s two people that I’ve just fallen in love with (as a friend), my current best friend and this guy Andrew I met on a summer course two years ago. I haven’t talked to him properly since then but we met last summer and I practically cried. We both kinda screamed when we saw each other and he was surrounded by all of the people we were friends with the year before but I was the main one he really wanted to see. If we’re talking unrequited unconditional love, it’s a holiday romance who had to cut all ties once he came home and got back with his “ex”. Tbh I don’t know if they were ever really broken up. Seven months later and not a day goes by that i don’t think about him. And if we’re talking celebrities (probably what this meant in the first place), I’d have to say ed sheeran, the man who literally formed me and my teenage years. Also would do anything for matty healy and jake gyllenhaal but I need to stop ranting lol.

J. Jealous of: almost everything. My friends when they speak to other people. The girl who’s with my ex that I wasn’t even very fond of. The list goes on

K. Kill(ed) someone: ehhhh hahhahah not literally but a couple of people are pretty dead to me

L. Last time I cried: probably a couple of weeks ago tbh all these things kinda morphe into one. I don’t cry often but when I do it’s brutal and I can’t stop.

M. Middle name: Marie

N. Number of siblings: 1

O. One wish: to meet any of the 1975 or ed sheeran of course. But I suppose thats just like a fairytale. My real wish for life is to fall head over heels in love with somebody who feels the same way.

P. Person you last called/texted: I’m basically constantly texting in a group with my two best friends

Q. Question you’re always asked: is your hair natural omg? Nah man I just woke up four hours early to put tiny little curls all over my head. I wish i was able to straighten it.

R. Reason to smile: music, duh (no need to even change Annamarie’s answer lolll)

S. Song last sang: the last song I recorded myself doing was John Wayne by Little Green Cars

T. Time you woke up: about 8 today but I just kept my eyes closed til 10 hahah

U. Underwear colour: blue

V. Vacation destination: the place of my dreams would be anywhere carribean or something, but really my ideal holiday would be wherever he is this summer:(

W. Worst habit: probably my inability to be okay with someone even after they’ve apologised, I can only talk to someone again after a nights sleep. But in worse cases if I’m mad at a friend I can literally never look them in the eye again. I’ve lost two of my best friends over my own stupid reasons that should have been sorted in a day but I’m just too damn proud/ moody hahah

X. X-rays you’ve had: neverrr thankfully! I have a vague recollection of an X-ray on my teeth years ago but I feel like that could just as easily have been my brother

Y. Your favourite food: hmm yeah I dunno it varies so much, probably my mothers curry or chocolate biscuits

Z. Zodiac sign: Capricorn

If any of you wanna try it, be my guest, tbh I’m so bad at remembering urls and I’m afraid to try and find them so like just go for it dudes

[emilylasalle-blog]

My Story.

I guess I should start off by explaining who I am, where I come from, and the whirlwind story that is my Eating Disorder. I should also preface by saying that I have always had a negative relationship with food-- whether it be allergies, anxiety, or my Anorexia. My Eating Disorder has been present my whole life, masking itself and becoming like a chameleon-- taking the face of many different things, Eating disordesr can take the shape of any form. One doesn’t have to have Anorexia to have any “claim” to ED. Know that ED’s range from all different shapes and sizes just like body types, and yours is just as valid as the one next to you. 

Okay, now that I have got that out of the way, I guess I should start at the beginning. For me, that started the day I was born. My mother has an anxiety disorder, and my whole mother’s side of the family is coursing with paranoia, fear, and obsession-- these characteristics have formed me to become the person I am today, flaws and all. So, yeah. I was born. I was also the first child, and definitely the guinea pig, which meant I was the one catching all of the helicopter-parenting. At age three, my mother put me into my first ballet class. Single-handily the best and WORST thing to ever happen to me. Best, because it gave my love of performance and helped me to become the actress that I am today... Bad, because it was the beginning of the end for my Eating Disorder and self-loathing. Ballet is a beautiful and breath-taking art form, however... the ballet world (at least growing up), was insistent on maintaining an abnormally skinny figure. They wanted twigs and if you were anything less, you would get phrases (and I quote) shouted at you such as: “Emily, I don’t want to see that bagel you ate for lunch today...” “Suck in DAMMIT.” “Have you put on weight? I see it in your face.” “You need to be able to fit into this costume.” Yup. Real things shouted at me, while a long stick was smacked onto my stomach and thighs. Absolutely brutal and cruel to be saying things like this to such a young child in the formative years of her life. So, I spent 15 years of my life constantly comparing my body to other girls, never feeling good enough, and constantly looking in the mirror-- I mean heck they were on all sides while I was exposed in a tiny leotard and tights. 

So. Now that we know where my anxiety and OCD stems from, and why I had such negative thoughts drilled into my mind at such a young age, I’ll introduce the FIRST MASK my eating disorder took. SIDEBAR: let me be frank, I had a happy childhood, don’t get me wrong. My family loved me and fed me well, and they told me no when I craved fast food constantly. However, I didn’t have the enforcement for healthy eating that I needed. It was encouraged, but not enforced. So, my picky habits came into fruition. On top of that, I over the course of my short 10 years of life, had developed several food allergies-- deathly allergies-- to the point of having a significant number of shots a year. Food was scary. I was scared-- scared of everything in my later years of elementary school. My mom had drilled a significant number of scary thoughts in my head about food and my allergies. Don’t trust anyone, don’t eat without labels, check everything twice. It was my default state- anxiety. This is the first mask. I was scared to eat anything, even foods that I had eaten my whole life. I would ask my parents over and over again about whether or not I would have gone into anaphylactic shock already as I ate at meal-time. And I HATED meal time. I would create these psycho theories in my head about how my food could have cross contaminated in absolutely ridiculous ways. This mask was scary-- this mask could quite literally KILL me with one bite of egg, peanuts, tree nuts, coconuts, or sesame seeds. 

Which brings me to middle school, where my anxiety was peaked at an all-time high. Not only was I petrified of food due to my food allergies, but I grew (due to events in my childhood) to have an IRRATIONAL fear of vomiting. And I mean, I would go days without eating for fear that the food would somehow cause me to throw up. I would eat dinner at 2pm to make sure I was “fully digested” before going to bed. I would call my mom crying, asking to be picked up because my anxiety had spiked so high and kids were pretending to throw up and be sick around me to watch me cry, It was a sick and traumatic three years (6th-8th.) I was so utterly and insanely scared of food. I had these insane scenarios built up in my head about food being able to “come alive” inside of me and chew me from the inside out. I had theories that all food was not FDA approved, and I would ACTUALLY call the companies to double check if it had been. So, I started to see Dr. G, my therapist of 12+ years, and a special doctor to help me gain weight (as I was like 70 pounds at MOST.) DR. G focused in childhood and familial therapy, and she saved my life. I was so hyper-fearful of everything. I couldn't eat without the huge fear of the risk of death, sickness, or worst of all... vomiting. So, that's tier number three. The second masked form my ED took on. Illness. 

Which brings me to my last tier. I have grown up hating putting food into my body, for various reasons. But it wasn't until end of senior year the seed I had always had planted in my mind (ED) really began to sneak his way into my life. The first two years of high school were marvelous, I was gaining my womanhood (that's period), meeting new friends, finding my sexual awakening (thank you to the drunk guy at my first high school party for so effortlessly slipping your tongue down my throat that fateful sophomore year night), and loving my life. I ate what I wanted , danced in ballet, and didn’t give  FUCK about what other people thought about my body (which is a lie because I always wanted to be skinny and I always compared myself to others). But, as rejection from boys came, jokes about unflattering pictures of me roamed about, and the yearning to look like other people began pressing in, ED began to stick his claws into my psyche. Junior and Senior year were... well, fucking awful. I was extremely depressed, ridden with anxiety, sadness as teenagers I knew in my class died, constantly stressed, and never feeling good enough. I began committing self harm to myself. Was it for attention? Was It a cry for help? I’ll never know. But, I’d cut myself with razor blades. Never super deep, but enough to hurt and bleed. I was able to CONTROL the pain. Control. CONTROL. That is a red flag to remember here, my anxiety and OCD all stems from loving to be in control of my surroundings. I hate feeling at loss. I NEED power. And ED was my sick and twisted form of that. So, I cut myself. And I made the brilliant and amazing mistake of telling my cousin who I adore, and she then proceeded to tell my parents. So, they bust into my room at approximately 11pm on a school night, crying and yelling, demanding that I go back to therapy. THATS RIGHT, BACK. TO DR. G I WENT. And she did help, a lot. Round two, and she still didn’t want to put me on medication, she said it wasn’t good for such young kids and that she wanted me to use my own power and tools within myself to conquer my anxiety and depression. And ya know what, I did. For a while. 

Then I went to COLLEGE!!!! And oh boy, leaving a summer of romance from my high school boyfriend and entering college-- a whole new world of beer, sex, and theatre- I was a new woman. I quit ballet back in high school to focus on my musical theatre career, and I was in HEAVEN. I was cast in all the shows I wanted, I was in LOVE with a new boy at college, and I was making so many new friends. I ate whatever the HELL I wanted, because I was 18, on my own, and FREE! This meant pizza and fries at 2am, this meant buttered bagels for breakfast, microwaved mac and cheese for lunch, McDonalds after acting class, it didn’t stop. But, ED wasn’t gone... he was waiting patiently behind a nearby street corner, lurking, waiting, plotting. He had a plan, and was preparing the perfect attack. I was always his target. So, freshman fifteen happened. Maybe even 20, I don’t know. All I know is that I was at my college “dream-boats” house weighing myself, when I began to panic. ED was slinking back. The number had grown a lot since I weighed myself two semesters ago. I felt, “fat.” It was the first time I admitted to myself that that’s what I thought I was. And it was a nightmare. I was able to brush it off and push the thoughts away, I had a fun summer coming up, friends to see, etc. I managed to focus on the positives, that is... until the end of year banquet. 

When I think about what propelled me into the next three years, which also happen to be the most unhealthy and sick years of my life, I think about this very moment. The end of year banquet. I like I said, was happy and healthy (I HAVE NEVER BEEN OVERWEIGHT. EVER.). I had my senior year prom dress picked out to wear to my first year of college, end-of-year banquet! Sure, my heart was broken from my college dream-boats dumping, my lack of summer theatre jobs, etc.... rejection was written all over me, but I DIDN’T CARE. Not until the dress. I put it on, a size 2-4 dress, that I had fit into snuggly the year before, wouldn’t zip. I panicked, thinking there MUST be something wrong with the zipper... only to have my mom tell me it didn’t fit. This. This exact moment. ED took a HUGE bite out of my soul and dug his fingernails in. He was mine. I remember screaming, crying, tearing my dress up into shreds, and screaming to my mother at the top of my lungs: “I AM SO FAT. I AM AN UGLY COW. I WILL LOSE ALL THIS WEIGHT IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE, I WILL STARVE MYSELF. I WILL NEVER EAT AGAIN. I WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I’M SO SKINNY. I’M DONE,”..... my mother was horrified. But, if there’s one thing I’ve always been, its determined. Which brings me to Tier 3. The final mask of ED. 

That summer I worked out like nobody’s business. Sweating outside in the blazing Georgia heat as I ran miles upon miles. I cut myself off from fast-food, I blocked all the asshole boys who dumped me, and I became a health fanatic. And then a friend of mine (who blames themselves, even though they shouldn’t), made the biggest mistake anyone has ever done... they introduced me to MyFitnessPal. The worst thing to ever get into my hands, and to happen to me. I slowly became obsessed with dieting. I began counting calories, comparing myself to her, treating our weight loss as a race (MIND YOU I WAS NOT FAT OR OVERWEIGHT AT ALL. I WAS 130-135 MAX AND 5.7-5.8!!!!!). She went along with it, and then slowly started to realize, that maybe I was taking it a little too seriously and a little far... she then backed out, started to become “worried” about me. Concerned that I wasn’t eating enough and dropping weight rapidly. Friends noticed, my parents noticed, but they all assumed I was just working out and eating healthier. No biggie. I dated a guy briefly at this time, and all I can remember him saying was, “you’re getting kinda skinny... build some muscle, eat protein!” Man if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that one... So, I continued to diet. I lost weight, but wasn’t deemed “unhealthy.” Just, “skinny.” They nicknamed me Chicken Legs, and... I liked it. I liked being told I was small. It fed ED, and kept him occupied. That is until three hours later when he shamed me for drinking a glass of skim milk, stuff I had been drinking for literally my whole life. So, I did what I always did. I listened to ED, and I cut out milk, cheese, butter (haven't had real butter in four years), potatos, etc. Any food that sparked “joy” I wouldn't eat. I counted my crackers, I measured my cereal, I went to bed hungry. As long as I didn't pass that 1,000 calorie goal. 

The summer after sophomore year was the worst summer of my life. My hatred of rejection mixed with my fear of loss-of control, caused me to do things to my body that  I am not proud of to this day. I was always comparing myself to other girls, checking to see if I was the skinniest girl in the room, and if I wasn’t, I let ED decide what my punishment was. I formed sick habits. I bought a scale, I bought extra small clothing as a form of forcibly maintain a bmi to match my clothing, I ate 0 calorie foods for meals, it got bad. I would weigh myself every day, so many times. Before and after using the rest-room, and I’d buy laxatives to make me shit so that I could see if my weight had gone down. The number that was “too low” continued to be pushed farther. It was scary, and the whole time my heart and soul were fighting ED so hard. It was a full on world war in my brain, fear and anger for letting myself get so unhealthy, and shame and disgust for letting myself get so fat. I wrote notes to myself on mirrors, telling me not to be weak-- to go hungry, you fat cow-- that skinny is the only way I’ll be successful. I’d push food around on my plate at group outings, I’d stuff it in my napkin, If I was starving, I would chew up food and spit it out. Just to get the sensation. I’d measure my arms and wrists with my hands, just to double check that everything fit inside my abnormally small hands. I’d wake up crying, go to bed crying, call my parents crying, because dammit--  I was so hungry, I was so sad, and I was so alone. Except for ED of course, he never left my side. He’s watching me as I write this. 

My parents came to visit me, and the skeleton that faced back at them made them cry. And guess what, BACK TO DR. G I WENT. Everyone was worried about me, and I LOVED it. My best friends mom even had a heart to heart with me about her friend dying of a heart attack because of her Anorexia (God such a daunting word.) I didn’t want to get better, I pretended I did, so that people wouldn’t think I’m gross, but rather some kind of here. Alas, I WANTED to stay 100 pounds. I wanted to stay 99 pounds. I didn't care if it would “send me to the hospital” as my doctor said, I was happy with  watching the number go down. I wanted the number at zero, because I felt like a 0. I felt like nothing. I wanted to be whisked away. My therapist says I allowed myself to get this ED because I seeked self control, she said however, that that’s the last thing I have. ED controls me. So, I took her advice, and we finally put me on anti-depressants. I looked up group-therapy, and I made a “plan” to get better. But deep down I knew I didn’t want to. I was loving the skeleton life so much. Hungry=Strong. And I was the reigning champ. But, school came back around and if there’s one thing I fear more than no control, is failure. And that’s what I was afraid would happen if I didn’t put on some weight... I would lose the leading lady role I had been dreaming about for the past year and all of summer. I didn't, but that fear was in my brain. And quote frankly, why I think Theatre LITERALLY saved my life. 

The medicine helped, theatre helped, and I became happy again. I wasn't the weeping starving skeleton I once was... I was a happy one. My therapist explained to me why it didn’t feel real, and that it very much was. She diagnosed me and that was strange... but that’s another topic. However, I started noticing certain changes on my body. Things that other people didn’t have. Like: all my clothes were too big and falling off of me, I had brittle skin, I was ALWAYS cold (still am), I was always tired and it didn't take much to make me feel weak or out of breath, I even started losing hair. These were all consequences from my anorexia. And people noticed. In negative ways. However, I FELT better, and that's all that mattered to me. I still weighed myself, I still counted calories, I still made sure that if my parents found my scale and hid it, I’d get another one. I was sneaky. And they always say that ED’s are the most clever and manipulating people. And then I was off to summer-stock in Indiana. This was a dream for me, my first professional contract!! And just when I was feeling myself go down a dark path again. This was a miracle for me, I truly thought I wouldn't get a professional contract and was fully prepared to go back down the summer-rabbit hole as I usually do, as I have way too much time to think. But, this was not the case! I packed up my bags and flew to NYC for a trip to see family, and had so much fun I didn't count calories for three days. This was a huge deal for me, and I truly started to feel better. I got to Indiana and the biggest blast began. I made so many incredible friends, who supported me and my issues, I did some awesome theatre (and some shitty theatre lol), and I met my boyfriend at the time. I was happy, I had new people in my life who watched out for me. And I stopped counting calories! I ate more protein, I was doing well. I worked out a lot and attempted to get strong. But I felt my body deteriorating. I got dizzy very easily, I got extremely sick very easily, and I couldn’t keep up my stamina for very long. I also began birth control at this time, as I was in a new relationship and preparing to be sexually active. This changed my body in many ways, which we’ll get to later on. 

However, the summer ended. I moved home, I got back into bad habits, and the comparison and “less-than” feelings returned. However, they got snatched away really fast and here’s why: I had been on my anti-depressants for over a year, and I was way overdue for a checkup at the doctors office. I hadn’t gained any weight, and they noticed my bad habits still being there-- and I hadn't seen my therapist since before I left for Indiana. They did some tests, and I was off. Then I got a call asking me to come back in. Turns out my blood cell count was irregular-- ie: my white blood cells were abnormally low and my red blood cells were enlarged. They believed this was due to vitamin deficiency. What I hadn't told them is I had been feeling heart palpitations for some time now. They drew more blood and ran more tests on me. Alas, I received another phone call telling me that I had to come back in, as my results left them clueless. So. They referred me to an Oncologist. This, was the scariest moment of my life. I had believed it had been vitamin loss, and that it was something I had done to myself-heck I literally was happy that maybe I was so skinny my vitamin levels were lacking. But nope. My boyfriend was amazing during this time, and encouraged me to continue to eat healthy and try new things to get better. During this long waiting period I ate like a normal person. I ate healthy. I stopped counting calories. I was doing better-- but not from a place of health, from a place of fear. That’s not how you heal healthily. I was scared I had cancer. I went to the oncologist’s and was tested for Leukemia. Suddenly, I didn't like feeling this thin. I didn't enjoy being breakable. I wanted to be healthy and strong. I continued with the visits to the Cancer Center. This was three of the hardest months of my life. And the scariest. I had one half of my brain telling me I was fat and needed to not eat anything, and the other half was telling me if I didn't eat, I’d get even sicker. And that I needed to gain weight, to prove I wasn't dying of Leukemia. After all of the blood tests, and the trips to one of the scariest doctors offices I’ve ever been in... we figured out:

I didn’t have cancer. But I realized how stupid I had been for the past ten years of my life. I had been given a TASTE of how scary and haunting being sick can be, and here I was destroying my own body. y healthy body, that people WISHED for. So, I stopped listening to ED, and I moved on. However, this didn't las long. Birth control changed my body. My boobs got bigger, my face filled out, and I noticed small changes. And I began to fall back into bad habits. Limiting foods, cutting calories, I went full vegan, I dumped my boyfriend so I could stop taking birth control, I stopped my medicine (as I didn't want to be mentally healthy anymore, I wanted to be sick so that I could lose weight.). Things got bad again. All the while, still having to go to an Endocrinologist. Since they realized I didn't have cancer, they did tests to realize I had given myself thyroid diseases, blood weakness, frail bones, and heart palpitations. All because I starved myself. But what did that make me? Happy. Happy to be ‘sick” and “skinny”. And that’s MASK 3. 

And here I am today, still struggling. Better, but struggling. I try not to weigh myself anymore (some days I fail, it’s human). I still count my calories, I try to find protein substitutes, but it’s constantly an uphill battle. The calories control my life. I started this journey thinking that it would give me more control, however the exact opposite happen. 

My eating disorder is a sickness. My ED and I are in an abusive relationship with myself and ED. There’s not enough space in my head for this. So here I am today, in therapy, doing everything I can to try and make sense of why I hate my body. 

My therapist says that I have been “screwed from the get go.” I was brought up in the ballet world, with a mother who constantly self deprecates, constant comparison syndrome... Instagram is hard. Life is hard. But I will continue to fight so that I can be successful. 

[starsinbed]

note to self: people can do things to you. ignoring the fact that i’ve been in a 3 year long conversation with my dad over the worth of my life, ive managed to find myself dating all sorts of characters. quiet ones, who i dont doubt have been following me my whole life. some folks who believe i exist just to stare at and scratch up against. some folks who seem to believe i dont exist. a whole range of non-lovers. violent in their non-loving capacities. in their stones that bounce off my already bruised skin. thanks. for the memories. or whatever. i rummage through the files, and most of them are still redacted. ive been trying to remember or think of a line since yesterday to describe someone i might’ve met. but i’ve come up with nothing specific. except about my mama, that person who destroys everything i try to build her. or their daughter that had built with me. we saw our sandcastles wash away with the tide, and i couldn’t tell who’s waves it was. remember i am already bruised. i dont think i see pain  the way other people do. i see it as a playground. a jungle gym with monkey bars, and a sea saw, and of course a slide. one time before my arms were strong enough to swing me, i climbed on top of the monkey bars. i dont know where this metaphor goes, but i fell off and busted open my lip. 

pain was in between me and all my words, and all my words and you. and all your words, and your brain, and your brain and you mouth. and what fell out of your lips busted mine in the dirt. i fell off the jungle gym. or i was shot down. or it was removed from under me. either waves washed away sandcastles, or your fists broke glass objects. its hard to tell these days. i just spent the night on instagram, noticing all the things i didnt before. all the things i knew and cried about at night. all the things with no words attached to them. just energy and ...

and i saw that clip of taje dancing to the pew pew song. i remember how sc a r ed i was. how can i find more room in this word to describe the feeling? it was like fire and twistiness all on my skin and in my face and hair and stomach. similar to anxiety in form, but if i were to draw it i would be crying, and my tears would be thick and hot like boiled blood. not to be dramatic, and not to be a pussy, and not to be mistaken as someone who preferred to be somewhere else, i tried to join in. im so glad she didnt post that part of the video. i swear i blacked out. not to be dramatic. but im a little dramatic. when it comes to things like family. we never had easy moments growing up. me and my sister. me and my mom. me and my dadd. we all had beef. and nothing was nice or pretty or comfortable. or beautiful or fun or happy. ever. even, and especially when we laughed. we’ve (I) had to relearn to laugh lately. i realized im the only one in my family who knows what a joke is anymore. we’re all bitter, burnt, people soup at my house. and laughs come after cruelty and threats only. not at viral videos. so i didnt know what to “do”. 

but i did something. and taje liked it or something. and ..idk what to call them.. was there on the couch and then gone and then back again. and i was following them as if my body was just a suggested location. its hard you know. talking to someone you swear you know but who wont admit they see you. it wasn’t abuse, it was neglect. it wasn’t malicious, but it didn’t matter. it withered anyways. our seed. they did a lot of not listening to me and a lot more pretending not to hear me. talking through walls is a habit for me now. and conversations are harder than ever. im not sure if this is because of them, or just my normal train arriving on time. but it sounds like them to me. it wasnt abuse, it was unraveling. they pulled the thread from my lips with their finger nails. my mouth, opened like a gash didn’t know what to say. but again, it wasn’t my words that needed to be said. 

evrything about family, and my guts splattered on the floor. i swear i painted on a pretty smile. i have no idea what i saw in the mirror and couldnt guess what they saw in my face. 

i couldnt guess what i saw on their faces either. or if i was ready to handle it. i just wanted to.. needed to talk about it. i think thats fair.. to need a talk before just jumping into the deep end of family and coparenting and shit when im a 20 year old freak with a penciled in past. not that it was unfairly kept from me, i just think now it wasn’t possible. but its been harrrdt to understand that. it wasn’t possible for either of us

and figuring that out put colors on all the rest of my relationships. figuring out what kind of love we had and what went wrong. had. and whent wrong. i figured out a lot about my other friends. and their feelings towards me/ theres a reason why they couldnt talk to me. and its the same as why i never feel like ive had a real conversation in my life. its everything about me. its my dad and his blood in my veins. or my head. or the weird way i have no memories but also all of the memories. and kinds my skin glows,, anyways. and my voice is soft. even though ill bite off a dick if tested. and anyways i yell, but only a few people know that really. and thats so central to who i am. my screaming. so its like,,, where and how to i “”converse”” with people. “people”. especailly when more and more people be lying to me about more and more shit. and im in more shit than i even know because people be lyingggg. so but also the only other person who loves me is my sister and 1. she’s been missing basically since 2015. and 2. shes people soup just like me and we can’t talk about nothin. so what is talking to people like? i wanted my mama (not my mom but like, the mama who is mine) to show me how to talk. but they never did. and i just kept spilling my guts on the floor. and i hope

and anyways it probably wasnt possible anyways. not that im not loved there. but whats there to say. crazy shit only. so i guess. and anyway, thats why my sister and me dont talk. and why ive never had a conversation in my life. except maybe with a therapist or two. so im used to it. but ive gotten to the obsession physical loss stage of missing them. so thats happening.

bye

[aeristhefallen]

Chapter 3

I am so sorry that this update has taken so long. So much has been going on that I simply don't have enough time in the day. However I hope to get not only this one but the rest of my stories update. So enjoy! Chapter 3

Mid October was wonderfully mild in peach creek. This led Edd, and Mona to have most of their sessions on the hill overlooking the cul-de-sac, since it became quickly apparent that Mona had trouble concentrating in doors. "Dee you need to relax, we have all year." Mona mumbled absently as she focused on the list of ideas she was currently compiling for their art project. Edd slid a mildly annoyed look at the girl who had decided to use him as a back rest while he laid in the grass on his stomach. Over the last month and a half, the genius had grown used to the girl's habit of intiating physical contact and had even grown to enjoy it. What he had not grown accustomed too was not having an assignment completed within a week of it being assigned. " I understand that Mona but I can't help the persistant feeling of not having any and all assignments completed as soon as possible. I think our art teacher hates me." The girl chuckled as he sighed and tapped his ear with her pencil. "Your just irritated because she decided that we all had to have assigned themes and certain guide line for our projects." Edd released a snort. Two weeks into school Ms, Ramirez had informed the class in her grateingly cheerful voice that they all not only had to pull a random theme, but they had to feature multiple characters and had to have a minimum of four pieces. "While I am still perturbed with Ms, Ramirez just springing that on her unsuspecting students and I find her overly enthusiastic attitude grating to the nerves, I am not comfortable being completely out of my element. Not only do I lack artistic ability, I am not overly thrilled with our theme." Mona grinned as she continued writing. "What? Is 'Intense romantic passion' not something you would enjoy portraying?" Edd turned red and buried his face in the grass causing the girl to strain to hear his mumbling. "I have no experience with anything resembling that level of emotional attachment." A soft laughter caused the Raven haired male to role over and sit up so he could glare at his companion. At his look the girl quieted but continued to smile. "I don't mean to laugh but it's kind of adorable how you appoach things so analytically and things like emotions confuse you." Edd tried to ignore his blush at her comment and grumbled. Mona checked the time on her phone and began to put her stuff away. "Do you have plans tonight?" The boy shrugged. "Eddy expects me at the holloween dance but I don't really wanna go." "Then don't, did you say you would go?" Edd shook his head. " Well no, but Eddy fully expects me to be there." Mona stood up and grabbed her bag. "That's on him, if you want you can come to the ink party Kevin and I are throwing in his garage. Nothing big just a few of us from the Cul-da-sac." Edd felt a strange pulling in his gut at the thought of how much time Mona and kevin had been spending together but he couldn't decide if it was positive or negative, so naturally he ignored in favor of his curiosity. "What pray tell, is an ink party?" Mona grabbed her bag and through the boy a wink. " Come by at 7 and find out." _______________________________________________________________ The clock struck seven as Edd continued to pace back and forth, battling with indecision. He wanted to go see Mona, and though he would never admit it, he wanted to go see kevin. but despite his curiosity he was mildly frightened of what an ink party could be. He knew Mona was into the more intense and less socially approved side of life and he had found that he had tried many new things since spending time with the wild child. At 7:15 curiosity won and with shaking knees Edd headed across the street to kevins. There was a soft glow and a strange buzzing sound coming from behind the garage door signaling that the party was already underway. The genius swallowed and knocked on the side door, still arguing with himself. Rolf answered the door and with a loud laugh dragged the other boy inside. "It is good to see you to-smart-for-his-own-good Edboy!" Edd smiled and opened his mouth to reply when he spotted the cause of the strange buzzing. Needless to say he was surprise. "Nicola Tesla be with me! IS THAT A TATTOO GUN!?!?!" Mona glanced up from Kevin's shoulder and grinned "Dee! you made it! and yes it is, excellent observation." Edd rolled her eyes at her sarcasm and sat on one of the several lawn chairs set up in the room. "You do know underage tattooing is illegal yes?" Kevin snorted. "Relax dude, she only inks people in the Cul-Da-Sac and anyone who squeals knows that payback Will be swift." Edd quirked an eyebrow at the fierceness of Kevin's tone. He would almost be convinced that it was because Kevin didn't want to get in trouble, however the light pink that blossomed in Mona's cheeks and the soft smile she had as she ducked her head closer to her work signaled that something else was at play. The feeling was back again as he observed them, both as individuals and as a pair. Still he could not place what it was, so instead he turned and intiated a conversation with Rolf on pleasures of farm life. Two hours later Mona leaned back and shut off the machine. After cleaning up the excess ink, she handed Kevin a Mirror and leaned against his bare back. "How does it look good sir?" The red head nodded in approval before walking Rolf out and Edd couldn't help but agree. two classically colored koi seemed to dance together down Kevin's upper right arm as ocean blue roses entangled the two. "Wow Mona, I am extremely impressed." Edd stated as he got up to get a closer look. Mona smiled and quirked a brow. " Would you like one? I promise I am very clean." Edd choked on the soda he was drinking from and gave the girl a slightly panicked look. Mother and Father would be furious! I couldn't possibly." Mona continued to smile as she continued to perch on her stool, her tools lined up neatly on the table beside her. "Is that your only reason? If so I can put it where they won't ever see it. hell as covere as you keep yourself I could tat your entire back and no one but me would know." "And me." Kevin stated as he re-entered the room and leaned sprawled out on the couch. "Sweet! Is Dee getting some ink too?" Mona looked at Edd expectantly, waiting for him to answer. Edd began mumbling to himself as he calculated the gains versus the risks. " W, well. I have always been interested in the ancient art of tattooing, Ah, and I would love the experience....But what if someone were to see? We could get in a lot of trouble!" Mona laughed and stood from her perch. "They won't trust me." Edd squeaked in panc as the girl began removing her clothing. "Mona! What in heaven's name are you doing?" "Making a point." Edd looked at kevin for help but the red head only winked and through the genus a thumbs up causing him to blush further. Edd turned back to face Mona but lost his words of discouragment as he stared at the now revealed flesh. "Oh...My" A branch of cherry blossoms crept its way up Mona's side while a butterfly with the word 'Hope' and a tribal design resided on her left arm. A sickle moon and black star was inked into her right forearm and a winged heart was nestled on her upper left thigh. "They are beautiful, but I fail to see the point." Kevin snickered as Mona redressed and sat back on her stool. "They point is Dee, you only know about her ink because she wanted to show you. Hiding tats ain't that hard." The genius pondering the other boy's words before stealing his nerves. "Why not, lets go for it." Mona grinned. "Sweet, what and where Love?" Edd shrugged. " Why not really go for it? Do a back piece." Kevin looked at the brunette in surprise. " Are you sure? Thats a big commitment." Edd thought to himself for a bit more before nodding firmly, a look of determination flooding his face. "I'm sure, if I'm gonna put myself through this experience than I should do so with gusto. Mona clapped her hands with glee and began cleaning her gun and replacing needles. " Excellent, do you know what you want or is it dealers choice?" Edd paused then shrugged. " I'll allow you to mke the decision, I am confidant enough in your knowledge of me not to choose some obscene." The girl grinned and patted the seat in front of her.  " Awesome, take off your shirt and pop a squat." THe genius blanched. "What?" Kevin sighed "Dude, you gotta take off your shirt so she can reach your back. We ain't gonna molest ya." Edd rose a brow at the red head's choice of words then shrugged it off as a slip. Mona gave a sound of a appreciation as he removed his upper clothes and sat down. " Dude how come you hide the fact you work out?" Edd tensed. "How do you know that?" Mona shrugged as she began free hand sketching her design. "I'm a tattoo artist, understanding the curves in the human form is what I do. You might not be bulky but underneath you have ample amount of muscle."  Edd blushed not only at her words but at her probing touch. "We, well. I was tired of having to have Ed or eddy defend me all the time but anytime I tried to get in shape and people knew they would make fun of me. So I do light weight training at night in my room and I swim in the lake three times a week." The brunette looked up and locked eyes with kevin. The red head had a look of intensity as he stared at the other male. Edd couldn't decipher what such a look would mean, only that it filled him with sensations that were not unpleasant. The low purr of the gun caught Edd's attention and his nerves tingled in anticipation. "I have to warn you Edd..." Mona muttered as she leaned over his back. " After this you might be addicted." And then she began.