#the anxiety comes from masking and trying to be someone im not and trying to look happy all the time and trying to act ‘human’ all the time

[frogathy]

just talked to my counselor about being on the spectrum and my mom understands now and i am just so relieved its insane like everything makes sense it is so insane and like i dont have to feel like theres anything wrong with me anymore its just hoohkhjgghdhj

[sohnric]

BELOVED — E. SOHN

pairing: eric sohn x fem! reader

genre: hurt/comfort, friends to lovers. angst, fluff. the tiniest bit of swimmer! eric for some reason. wrote this in a moment of weakness handle with care!! :~)

word count: 2.4k

warnings: reader is said to be red in the face from the cold (alludes to specific skin color - im sorry i wrote this for me only and yall just get to read it), swearing, insecurity and jealousy, unspecified mental illness (?)

a/n: once again thank you to @csenke for beta reading and encouraging me to post this :p and also for existing. ily <3 btw swimmer eric is such a concept it gave us both whiplash maybe i need to revisit this in a full fic....

The coldness of the crisp evening makes you sniffle, your bones freezing and fingers going numb even in the comfort of your coat pockets. Your brain is full of thoughts fighting amongst each other, running around and hitting the corners of your head, slowly causing you an annoying migraine. You now regret not taking your headphones with you, because the music could help you drown out the noise of your inner voice, but the you from an hour ago that decided to go on a walk to clear your head had other plans for you, so you now have to suffer the stream of your thoughts instead. The stream is so loud you swear you can hear it resonating through the silent campus, but you know that’s a foolish thought, so you fight it away with a bitter chuckle.

Eyes zeroing on the orange fluorescent lights coming from inside of the building you’re standing in front of, you start feeling a little silly for coming here. It’s not like you think you’d be sent away, but there’s also that little bugging voice inside of your brain that keeps reminding you that you weren’t invited. Your feet have dragged you here without your consent or order. One moment, you were walking down the river, shuddering from the cold, and the other, you found yourself in front of the pool– as if the tugging of your heart was stronger than your own brain, stronger than your own thoughts.

Sometimes you feel bad for taking it all out on him. At least that’s what you suppose you’re doing– with your annoyed remarks whenever he checks in on you, with your sighs whenever he asks what’s wrong. It’s not like he’s incorrect with his suspicions– he always somehow knows you’re in a bad mood, no matter how hard you try to mask it– you just don’t often feel like discussing the matter with him. Or anyone, really. Sometimes, you feel bad for pushing him away or not texting him back. Sometimes you feel truly shitty for the fact that you can’t open up to him, no matter how hard you try. 

And sometimes, you just truly think that he wouldn’t care. It’s weird how your mind works– someone could spend so much time with you, making memories together and laughing at your jokes, yet, your mind could convince you that they don’t really like you at all in the first place. That this is some sort of a game they’re playing, trying to see how long you can stay convinced that they enjoy your presence in their life before you notice and they step away. You don’t even know where this conviction is coming from. If you knew, maybe you could fix it. If you could locate it, you’d try to delete the flawed code from your system. 

Sometimes, you think he doesn’t care about how you are, what you’re doing, what you think. It has nothing to do with the way he treats you; more so with the anxiety nibbling at the corners of your brain whenever he talks to anyone else– with the constant fear of being replaced, of having him find someone better, someone less difficult to be friends with. In its full essence, the image is terrifying. You think your world would crumble if you lost another person in your life.

More so, you think your world would crumble if you lost him. You recognize that there’s a constant desire in the depths of your heart to be someone’s favorite– his favorite– to be the person someone would choose in a room full of people. To be the one they walk up to first with a smile and their arms wide open. 

And it’s silly. You’re his best friend. He tells you so every day. It’s the way you’re introduced to everyone out of his circle that you meet on parties or at campus.

Admittedly, you like hearing him say it. Best friend– the title shows you’re the best at something: at being his companion, at making him laugh, at being there for him, whatever it is that you do to earn that sticker. The title shows that you’re somebody’s favorite– his favorite– and it makes you deeply satisfied with yourself. It makes you proud, even. 

Some days, you still have a hard time believing it, though. Some days, you still feel stranded. Lonely. Isolated. It’s weird. 

Somehow, your heart, your feet and the unconscious part of your brain took you right where you knew you’d find him. You didn’t choose to go here– if you realized you were nearing the building, you would’ve even tried to stop yourself– and as you contemplate turning on your heel and going back home, hell, you even take the first step away from the pools, the sound of the main door opening and his voice calling for you makes you halt in your movements, gluing you to the pavement. 

Sometimes, the heart knows what it needs even before you get a chance to register it.

“Y/N! How long have you been standing there?” he calls after you, making you bite down on your lower lip. There’s no escaping him now– you guess it’s for the better, though.

Turning towards him, a guilty look spreading over your features, you shrug. “Not long.”

“It’s freezing out here! Why didn’t you come inside?” he asks, a wrinkle forming in between his eyebrows as he walks closer to you, his friends from the swim team patting his back and saying their goodbyes to the two of you as they pass the commotion on their way out.

“I didn’t want to intrude your practice,” you peep, sniffling a little from the cold.

“Gosh, you always do this,” he says, rolling his eyes at you. He almost looks mad at you, and by the way he raises his voice and throws his arms in the air in frustration, you think you’re correct with assuming he might be. “I texted you the whole day! Hell, I called, even though I know how much you hate phone calls. And I get that you probably didn’t feel like talking, but a simple ‘I'm okay, don’t worry’ text would’ve been nice!”

Dragging his hand through his hair in defeat, he shakes his head at you. “Besides, you can’t just keep shutting me off every time you are having a hard time, for god’s sake! Not only do I worry, but I hate seeing you suffer all alone.”

Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you listen patiently to his lecture. You know he’s right– he almost always is, because the rational side of your brain ceases to exist every time your insecurities fail you– so there’s really no aim in trying to argue or fight with him. 

Eric sighs as he steps even closer to you, adjusting the strap of his duffel bag on his shoulder before he reaches for the hood of your jacket and puts it over your head. “You could’ve texted me you were here, I’d leave practice early for you,” he says, voice now softer as he stands in front of you, not really wanting to scream straight into your face. 

You shrug in response, not really knowing what to say. Telling him you contemplated leaving  just seconds before he found you here would make him even more mad with you, so you choose to gloss over that fact. Besides, it’s kind of comforting, the way his words work. The way his presence calms you, makes the screaming match of your thoughts drown out with his firm comments and scolding remarks. His words, although full of frustration, make your insides warm up and your muscles relax, like you’re coming undone.

His face shows concern. His actions speak even louder than his words when he tugs the sides of your hood closer together at your neck, the hole for your head previously exposing your bare skin and making you shiver. “Couldn’t you dress more warmly? Do you want to catch a cold?” he mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. “You scutter here all unannounced, wearing close to nothing, and expect me to not be frustrated with you?”

You study his expression for a while. It’s not often you get to see Eric from so up close, but even in the darkness of the evening, you recognise the familiarity of his close-to-flawless features. Anchoring yourself into his gaze for a second, you move to study the sculpture of his cheekbones, the furrowed nature of his brows, the slope of his cupid’s bone. His hair falls into his eyes, making you instinctively drag your hand up and move his bangs out of the way, having the male wince at the contact of your fingers with his skin. “Hell, your hands are cold! You didn’t even take gloves? It’s minus five degrees outside!” he grunts.

It makes you chuckle. You did something nice for him, yet, there he is– complaining about the fact that you have yet again failed to take care of yourself. “I’m not even surprised, y’know, since you didn’t put on a scarf either, but sometimes I wish this little brain of yours,” he point his finger to the side of your temple, “had better self-preservation instincts,” he finishes as he fishes for something in his pocket.

Taking out his own gloves and holding them up to you so you can slip your numb fingers into the fabric, he continues on with his little tangent. “Next time,” he adds when you’re successfully wearing the warm garment, “text me as soon as you get here, okay? And look outside before you go out, so you know what to wear. Maybe open that little weather app on your home screen, even. Might be helpful,” he jokes, although a little dryly, as he brings out a scarf from his duffel bag, tying it around your neck and almost suffocating you with how tight he wraps it, making sure you’re defrosting under his tender care.

When he’s done dressing you up like a doll, you’re left staring at him speechless. Eric reciprocates the gaze, something gentle, yet worried mirroring behind his dark orbs. There’s comfort lingering in the air now that you’re not so cold, and with the added essence of his existence, the act of living doesn’t seem like such a hassle anymore. You feel lighter, in a way.

“Sorry,” he hums after a heartbeat of silence, “how are you feeling?” he asks, an apologetic look sent your way when he realizes he slipped into a heated lecture again, not knowing that this is exactly what you wanted and unknowingly came here for. (For his furrowed eyebrows and the crease in between them, his worried orbs and words tinted with frustration, showing you that he cares and wants you to be safe. For his little tangent, yet also gentle touches as he takes care of you and makes sure you’re staying warm. For the familiar look in his eyes, whispering to you that you’re the only thing in the whole world that matters to him right in this moment and always, forever.) 

You smile at the clueless boy. It seems to make something in him settle into a more comfortable place. “All better now,” you reply.

“Good,” he says. “God, you look awful,” he jokes– laughing airly to reference the state of your frozen face– cheeks and the tip of your nose red, eyes watery from the wind, hair messily sticking out from the bottom of your hood– as one of his hands comes up to cradle your face and squish your cheeks together, turning your chapped lips into a big pout. The contact of his skin on yours makes your stomach feel light with the contrast of his warm hand on your cold face, all your senses coming alive when his voice drops a few octaves lower, seriousness tinting his tone. “Promise me to take better care of yourself from now on?”

Nodding, not really having it in you to even make a noise, you watch as the male studies your face for a while. In any other circumstance, his gaze would make you shy away, but not now. Not when everything seems suddenly so simple, not when all your worries seem to slip through your fingers. When his eyes point towards your lips– your puckered, dry mouth– a sense of expecting takes over you, a strange kind of excitement buzzing in the tips of your fingertips. When you breathe in through your half-clogged nose, the mixed scent of his fabric softener coming off the scarf tied tightly around your neck and the smell of the shower gel he uses to wash the chlorine off after his swimming practice hits your nose, making you a little light-headed. No words are spoken as the male suddenly leans in and presses a quick peck to your lips.

His warm lips meet with yours in what seems to be a second-long contact, but it’s enough to have the ghost of his touch lingering, enough to make your stomach churn in joy.

The action was so painfully casual– as if it was second nature to him. As if there was no reason for him to contemplate the decision– as if this was what he wanted to do all the time, and so he did it. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.

Selfishly, though, you must admit you need both– you need the words just as much as the actions. Good thing Eric knows you so well– sometimes you think it’s even more than you know yourself.

“Now come on, let’s get you home,” he hums, hugging you to him with his right arm as you two walk down the sidewalk, “wouldn’t want my beloved girl to freeze to death right here.”

His beloved.

The words resonate in your brain. This time, it’s a good type of screaming match happening with your thoughts– all worries battled, using his sentence to cut out the bad parts like a sharpened knife. This time, your mind is full of fireworks and excited buzzing, sending the happy signals all across your body, helping you fight winter with the power of gentle loving. 

And sure, you know that those feelings might come again. There’s no way of telling when the skeletons will appear, hunting down your happy thoughts. But you know that even if they do, you will always somehow find your way back to Eric, and he’ll make sure to remind you of what you need to hear, and you’ll be okay again.

You guess The Beatles were right after all. Maybe all you need is a little love sometimes.

[skullhorn59]

Heavenly Hell 2

A/N: second chapter! no spicey here just yet. sorry!~ im not that good at writing yet. xP Tags/Warnings are added progressively, design changed/fixed with time. mostly proofread! Summary: you have always been a fan of the show Hazbin Hotel in your life - and as you are spawned in a Hell identically matching the Show, you can't believe your sheer luck. you're immediately on your way to eagerly meet the celebrities (at least they are in your world), but your arrival hadn't gone unnoticed... Pairings: Lucifer, Valentino, Adam, Alastor, Vox, Angel Dust, Sir Pentious, Husk x Fem!Reader Warnings/Promises: self aware and insecure Reader, Spoilers for the Show, Vox, Attempted Manipulation, successful Manipulation

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Minors DNI 🚨🚔

"so, tell me, what useful information could you, someone this new to hell, possibly have?"

Vox sits down and leans back in his chair, watching you with a bored expression on his screen. urgh. right. he probably watched you spawning (arriving?) in hell. this is gonna be a hard one to explain. fiddling with your fingers anxiously, you look everywhere but at his screen.

you already regret coming here first, and not getting yourself a fidget toy first or something. or some pills to help keep your anxiety down. shit, you probably look scared out of your mind right now. he's gonna think you're really weird and rude if you speak up like this. or straight up lying. but for fucks sake - you can't bring yourself to look directly at him.

instead - you take in your surroundings. Vox's office. you only know it's impressive size from the Screenshots of the show, and literally sitting in it now is even more impressive. it consists of a gigantic room, an equally gigantic shark tank below, and a big round platform in the middle, which is connected to the door with a long passway. no idea how this could possibly fit into the tower without having it collapse from the sheer weight of the water alone - the only logical answer would be it being underground.

your eyes wander back to the platform, which is decorated with Vox's emblem. illuminated by a bright array of screens behind it, a round control pult sits at the back end of the platform. infront of it in a spinny chair with it's tips pointing upwards, is a rather impatient looking Vox seated.

oops.

you better get to answering his question.

you clear your throat and swallow, unsure how to even start. thankfully, you get your own chair - manifested with a wave of Vox's hand - to sit into. hoping you aren't sweating too visibly right now, you collect your thoughts. if you know one thing, it's not to sell yourself short.

"well, you see, that's hard to explain. and, you, as the head of.. technology.., surely understand that information is a valuable resource. I can't just.. give it away for free."

taking a deep breath, you lean back a little, trying to at least look more relaxed than you actually are. nervousness isn't even close anymore, like, are you panicking already?? well, at least you can mask it pretty well, you think.

"but I can say this much: I have so much information on Alastor," you think you hear a slight glitch coming from Vox at the mention of the name, "and the others in the Hotel, it's not even funny. Just.. I have a few small questions for you first."

a short glance up into the TV Demon's face tells you he raised an eyebrow. is he interested?? you hope he is. with all you got.

"go on, ask your questions."

wait. isn't he usually more talkative than that? nono, you can't spend a thought on that right now. you need to focus.

"When did the last extermination happen?"

"about a week ago."

"okay.. any interesting or unexpected turns of events? I just have to know what happened and what didn't. I-I know this sounds cryptic, and maybe even crazy, but I need to know at what time I got here."

silence fills the room for a moment. you dare to glance at the Overlord again, and he musters you with an expression you can't quite place.

did you mess up?

But Vox interrupts your thought before you can continue it. "... the hotel members fought back against the Angels, and won. that's all." relieved, you let out breath you didn't realize you were holding. okay. that's good to know. so the extermination already happened. it makes a good bunch of your information useless, but still. you can work with that. now you just need to-

"I think I provided enough information to you now," the Overlord begins, interrupting your thoughts again. his voice is oddly sweet. "its time you return the favor, my dear." - of course, he's trying to get the info out of you without paying for it.

how greedy.

you adjust your position on the chair, crossing one leg over the other, before looking directly at him. he's wearing his signature smile, his digital eyes looking  almost affectionately at you, but you know better than to trust the façade he put on.

"I told you, I'm not going to just give it away for free. And don't even try to fob me off with stuff like any of your products, pins, an autograph or similar worthless knick-knacks. That won't work on me. Trust me."

you glance at him again to gauge his reaction, and he seems surprised to hear you use his own slogan against him, but he quickly regains his composure. good. now just don't get any hypnotizing ideas, Vox...

"No, what I want is... actually quite simple. I want to be able to come and go to the entirety of this tower how and when I please. and.." you can't help a small smile at the thought of the Moth Man, "I want to see Valentino. preferably after our conversation."

and again, silence fills the room. you watch him tap the armrest of his chair with his fingers, thinking about your demands. you can't tell if he's going to give in to them or just declare you as crazy and throw you out, but you hope dearly it's not the latter.

just as the silence begins to get uncomfortable, the TV Demon clicks his tongue and stands up. your eyes dart up, and you automatically stand up too. what's happening? is he gonna throw you out now? - "alright. I accept. you may come and go freely, I'll get you your meeting with Val, and in turn, I get all the information you got on the Hotel and it's residents. Deal?"

Staring down at the hand he holds out, your mind whirls for a moment, overwhelmed with the action. you never thought he'd also make deals like Alastor - another detail they're matching each other in. you always thought he'd just somehow get peoples souls with sneaky contracts being signed when buying a Voxtek product or something.

as soon as you take his cold hand, he gives yours a firm shake, his smile widening to a grin as his face glitches momentarily. bright blue electrical currents and sparks begin to flow around the two of you for a moment, together with an intense blue light and a metallic screech. but as soon as it came, it's gone, and before you can waste a thought on it, Vox lets go of your hand, instead placing his around your shoulders as he guides you towards the door. "fantastic. now that that's done, how about we go check if Val's got some free time for you, hmm?"

you're confused.

doesn't he want your informations now?

on second thought - you don't mind too much. this way you have more of a reason to stick around and return.

─❲♡❳▷Hazbin Masterlist

─❲♡❳▷Main List

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 154 spoilers n thoughts n all that yeah

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HE DID THE THING HE DID THE >:3 THING YESS YAYYYY YAYAYAYAYY HAHAHAHAA

GOD HES SO FUCKING SILLY WAHAHAHA

jesus christ running from the cops every which way LMAO i really like their faces here javier w exasperation and lloyd just. being him

AND THE UGLY COSPLAYER BIT WHAT 😭 HELP LOL?? i guess cosplayers walking around isnt really a common thing in korea idk i feel like. they didnt really commit an offense until lloyd tried bribing that cop guy lol

like it makes me think back to dkc and how michael and the other guy (I FORGOT HIS NAME SORRY) went to seoul for a bit and kind of caused several accidents and i feel like that fits better w getting the cops attention compared to,,, rummaging thru trash? but also i am not familiar w korea's police system! nor do i know their policies on foreigners n whatnot so who am i to say yknow

i also really really wish that besides the cop chasing, we got to see a lil bit more of javier's reaction to seoul and its citizens, the clothing and the culture and how the buildings look, what does he think of them? whats his feelings on an environment so dissimilar to his own, and does he notice anything abt it that reminds him of lloyd and his sudden acquisition of all his knowledge? maybe theres more of that in the webnovel,,, itll be a while before i get there tho unfortunately

anyways thoughts aside more reacting

UUUAGHHHH JAVIER NOTICING EVERY SINGLE TIME LLOYD APPEARS SICK OR UNWELL BUT LLOYD BRUSHING IT OFF. EXPLODES INTO TEN BILLION PIECES. AAGHH AAGHHHH AAGHH screaming crying god that engineer needs a god damn hug

also them in civilian clothes! they look so dorky lmao the hats r super cute tho AND I REALLY LIKE THAT JAVIER HAS GLASSES THATS SO SILLY how can he see though wouldn't it be like vaguely blurry . most glasses are prescription,,, tho they did find this stuff discarded so maybe theyre just,,, decorative??? do people still wear decorative glasses???

i have more thoughts on their attire but it coincides with some thoughts i have for the latter half of this ep so i'll bring it up then!

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE EPISODE THE MOUNTAIN TRAIL AAGHHH AAAHHH

i started tearing up oh my FUCKING god i feel so insane ohhhhhhhh ohhhhhhh my heart ohhghhh

trying to keep his bluff up all the way through even though he's visibly struggling im gonna throw up im gonna throw up

most if not all the panels in this latter half of the episode make me feel like this so i'll try not to be repetitive and jump straight into my thoughts LMAO

i think the way lloyd is drawn in these panels is really, REALLY well done, and not in just an "oh the art looks good" kind of way, but the choices they make with the posing and the camera angle makes me feel insane

because the moment we cut to the shot where they're on the trail, we do not see lloyd's entire face at ALL. the most we see is his nose and mouth, and that makes my heart squirm like a motherfucker, because who else did we see that way in the webtoon?

kim suho, all the way at the beginning.

we don't actually get to know suho's face until way, way later in the webtoon adaptation, which is once he's way more secure in his position as lloyd frontera

so seeing this,,, it's like we're thrown back to then, it's like LLOYD is thrown back to then, back to when he was just suho kim; someone who thought of himself as nothing, as someone who just couldn't function correctly in this world, and god does my heart ache

and lloyd right now feels it too, the anxieties he once had coming right back. and i think that makes the clothing choices for lloyd specifically really impactful too, specifically upper body

the blue poloshirt is eerily reminiscent of the blue tracksuit suho used to wear, and it's the layer underneath a green jacket with a collar similar to lloyd's usual coat. it's like a reminder to the reader that once upon a time, he was just suho wearing lloyd's mask in a strange, new world. i think this experience is a reminder of that to suho, too,,,

also, the bucket hat is able to cover most if not all of his hair. in some of these panels, you can't even tell that it's lloyd underneath. it might not be the same body, with the way the camera is positioned, especially with some of them being from javier's point of view, it's like,,, "who is speaking right now? the face of lloyd frontera, or the heart of suho kim?"

and in the middle of this, we hear javier speak and ask suho if he hated his behavior, blamed himself for his anxieties, and only then do we get to see one of his eyes, but just one.

idk if the timing of this is intentional (i dont know if ANY of this direction is intentional) but id like to think that javier responding in search of clarification (rather than responding in silence or in disgust) helped suho be a little more inclined to opening up and being honest with who he was in this world. i really really like that

AND THIS ARGHHH ARGHHH AAAHHHHH ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR LIKE A PILLBUG HAVING A SEIZURE AGHHHH

it makes it so so telling that he's the type to live for others, he always has been, to the point of being a workaholic. a quiet, good kid, trying to make amends for the struggles he has by burdening himself with the responsibility of protecting his parents names, of protecting the people he loved. he's done that since the beginning and he keeps doing that over and over and over, both here on earth and there in lorasia.

it makes me so upset (in a character drive way! not in a "this is bad" way) that he thinks of himself as nothing without this responsibility, when this ability to move forward and endure and fight for people is something beautiful in and of itself. it's not every day that you meet people like this, selfless and hardworking and tenacious to their core. back then he encapsulated his identity based on his inability to function in a world that requires social and physical interaction - something that isn't his fault! - and while he was able to move past that in lorasia, he was thrown back to this encapsulation once in seoul. he started to think of himself as "suho in lloyd's body" again, instead of "i am lloyd frontera" as he said before his "bluff" failed. MY HEART HURTS.

and i think that's why javier's concluding note, that in the knights eyes he is just the same person, is so impactful too.

because javier doesn't see lloyd based on his anxiety. he sees him for who he is. someone who protects the people he cares about. someone who is brilliantly cunning, quick on his feet, rational and brave and tenacious tenacious tenacious. for all the things suho admitted to javier, these truths haven't changed for the knight. he's the same person.

javier sees a guardian. javier sees kim suho.

AND THAT is what gets suho to his feet and we finally see his full face again. AND OOHHHH THE LOOKS THEY GIVE EACH OTHER AGHHHH AHHH

the marks of tears streaked on his face but he's smiling with so much renewed energy and javier softly smiling back IM GONNA THROW UPPPP THESE TWO MEAN THE WORLD TO MEEEE AHHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHH

exploding. exploding. exploding. exploding. exploding.

anyway that's all (for now. if you see me on twitter i might still be agonizing over this /pos) i will SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! i hope we get a cool view from namsan tower and javier reacting to that that'd be nice :3 ANYWAYS BYE

[mayhemscorner]

Hold my drink

König x f!reader (x slight Alejandro)

⚠️18+ MINORS DNI⚠️

Summary: a night of drinking turns a chivalrous König in to a jealous man before the club is infiltrated. (A/N: i strongly agree König is socially anxious. I also believe this man is a dirty, DIRTY top who gets jealous easily. I wanted to make this a series but feel it’s too short to even bother stretching out.) (also open to ideas and requests)

Warnings: tobacco use, swearing, violence, mentions of anxiety, ANGST, pure unadulterated sex that stems from anger, orgasm denial.

“König! Hold my drink, I’ll be right back!” Y/N shouts over the foreign music throbbing at her ears, hoping to use the excuse of slipping outside for a smoke to clear her head. König gives a thumbs up from the secluded corner of their table, neither of them wanting to be here but trying their best at being good sports. The three at the table, better known as the grumpy brigade, included a brooding Ghost who refused to take off his signature mask. While passing the glimmering dance floor, Y/N is both mesmerized and disgusted as the others dance fluidly to the beat, flashing smiles and heaving out deep laughs of pure enjoyment while she suffers from anxiety in silence... and feeling like a horrible teammate for leaving König in the same situation.

“How adorable. I hate it.” Y/N mumbles to herself, turning away while smirking and lighting a cigarette as soon as her hand hits the door. The wind creeps against her bare arms, the only thing more uncomfortable than an issued uniform is a strapless dress, tight to the skin and leaving no secrets. 

“You must come from the heavens if you’re freezing under the desert heat, querida.” Alejandro steps out, lighting a fragrant cigar, letting it hang loosely from his lips as he takes off his dashing suit jacket. Y/N wondered if tonight was an excuse to see everyone dressed to the nines, a day off turning in to everyone finding flashy garments in the local Mercado, and Y/N begrudgingly being pulled around by Farah.

“If you call Texas heaven, then sure Vargas. And I appreciate the gesture but im not all that cold.” Y/N grumbles, taking several seconds before giving in and snatching the jacket that was still outstretched in Alejandro’s hand roughly. Once draped over her shoulders, Alejandro is quick to button the top notch that fell just below her breasts. He stops to look at her anxious face, quickly gripping her shoulder and sighing,” Y/N, this is a good opportunity for the units to mingle… get to know each other. I only do these things to extend a hand of friendship. Do not be misguided by my actions.”

“The way you haven’t stopped looking at me has me thinking otherwise, vaquero.” Y/N smirks,  letting the cigarette smoke escape her lips and plume to the side, slipping a hand on his chest and stretching upwards to whisper in his ear,” and I might let that hand of friendship wander if it gets me out of here.”

The smell of tequila wafts heavily in the air, signaling her less than sober words were a guise of being anywhere but here, even if it meant staying in someone else’s bed for the night. Y/N knew the vaqueros had actual beds to sleep on instead of cots, though it wasn’t who she would’ve preferred. 

Alejandro sinks his teeth lower in to his cigar, eyebrows crinkling at the woman in front of him,” Y/N. Tequila has a way of bringing our desires to the surface, but I must admit, I’m flattered by the offer.”

Alejandro suavely removes the cigar from his mouth, holding it gently as he stoops to leave a tobacco fragrant kiss on the back of her hand, and sliding the suit jacket up just enough to kiss her wrist as well. He pauses, eyes slowly creeping to Y/N’s in question,” but I must ask, is this truly what you desire, or do you feel I’m your only escape?”

Y/N puffs on the end of her cigarette before flicking it away, heat rising to her cheeks as she grips both hands at the deep blue collars of his shirt, dragging him back up for a heated kiss. Her mind raced, it was so wrong, but the promise of getting out of here was more important than her dignity at this very moment.

Her back hits against the surprisingly warm brick wall as Alejandro hoists her legs to wrap around his torso, kisses becoming more rapid with the expert use of tongue from Alejandro. Y/N gasps for air, turning to catch a glimpse of König’s hulking figure, and rage glazed eyes staring directly in to her perverse soul as he steps out the door. Even with his lower face covered with a black surgical mask in place of his usual sniper veil, she could see the disgust creep at his expression as her drink crushes in his hand before being tossed against the wall. König turns, stepping back through the doorway and slamming the door shut.

“König!” Y/N shouts, pushing off of Alejandro to rush after her desired team member.

“König, wait!” Y/N shouts out again, tearing through the doorway and crowd, trying to close the distance and being quickly thwarted by the sea of bodies that bumped and grinded against each other. König stalked to their table, grabbing his own suit jacket and aggressively throwing it on before turning to his shorter companion tugging at the back of his shirt in an effort to turn him around.

“You should stay, Y/N. Seems like you were really uniting the units back there. I don’t see why you’re so worried about me.” König bites his inner cheek, rage choking his throat and stinging at his eyes. She was supposed to be his, it was a silent promise he made to himself. The one he’s carried through battlefields, shielded with his own body, he was positive she was his. 

“König, you don’t understand! Just let me explain! Why do you even care? We’re teammates!” Y/N pleads, tugging at his shirt enough to pull the tuck loose from his pants and reveal his scarred side. 

“We can talk when we’re on base and sober. We both have some explaining to do.” He seethes out, encircling his fingers around her tiring wrist and tossing her hand to the side. 

“Hey, hey, hey. Enough you two. Sit down. There’s no reason to be in a tiff on our night off.” Ghost barks, clamping a hand against the two and forcing them to sit. 

“Right then, now talk. Out with it… both of you.” Ghost growls at them, sitting across from them safely with the table used as a buffer. 

Just as Y/N begins to talk, gun fire rings out, dulling the pulsating music as screams shriek violently in the air. König and Ghost both reach to pull an inebriated Y/N to the safety underneath the table, but the situation itself has quickly sobered her… as if the tequila itself evaporated from her system as soon as the first shot sounded. König and Ghost shielded her, knowing a flak jacket couldn’t be hidden under the skin tight and shimmering dress that encased her delicate body. 

“So much for a day off.” Ghost groans, pulling a hand gun from the hem of his pants and crouching in front of them to assess the situation. König reaches for his own, as Y/N scans the area for her purse that contained hers. Her eyes landing on the disgustingly sparkling bag discarded under a table nearby, most likely knocked around from the initial shock from the shootout. Y/N attempts to crawl over the shattered glasses and rubbish on the floor, only to be pulled back by a tight hand against Alejandro’s jacket that she still wore, landing directly in König’s lap and being restrained by his free arm. 

“You’re staying right here. Anytime you run off, you end up in danger, or locking lips with someone you barely know.” König huffs out, heavy breathing rattling them both as their anxieties build.

“Are you still bent up about me kissing someone? You’re my teammate, not my father, damnit!” Y/N grits her teeth, trying to wriggle free to no avail.

“I said you’re staying here, verdammt!” König tightens his arm and hooks an ankle over her flailing legs, quickly suppressing the woman that was a weapon herself, and hoping she was humble enough not to fight back any longer. His hopes couldn’t be anymore wrong as her elbow digs in to the nearest pressure point, causing his teeth to almost crack under the restrained pressure. 

“If you’re jealous, say so, damnit!” Y/N spits, moving to another pressure point and slowly sliding from his grasp, just for König to regrip at the next opportunity.

“I’m trying to protect you!” He yells back, trying his best to keep a close eye on Ghost at the same time. Y/N digs once again, head now locked between his legs in a sloppy triangle,” I don’t need protecting for fucks sake! I need my gun!”

“We protect each other, and your only protection right now is me!” König clips out, tightening his legs around her windpipe, if knocking her unconscious was the best action to protect her, he’d apologize when she woke up swinging… and so he did. 

Y/N’s eyes snap open, anger boiling under her skin as the bottom of the table slowly comes in to focus and the sounds of crying stabs at her eardrums. Crying always meant it was over. During traumatic events, bystanders and victims are flushed with so much anxiety and adrenaline, leaving no time to cry. That’s how she knew her previous platoon was leaving Iraq, it was the pure terror releasing itself in the form of crying as her teammates embraced each other and made calls to home. 

She coaxed her aching body to roll, watching as the remaining who could walk were guided out by her teammates and the other units. Glass bit in to her knees as she used the table to hoist herself up, ankles wobbling against her raised heels that she’d prefer to rip off. 

Y/N trudged aimlessly in to the reckless crowd groggily and trying to focus, looking for any sign of König to give him a piece of her mind. She was quickly pushed around as others rushed for the door or their friends. The one thing that came with crying, was chaos. People wailing over covered bodies as others tried to coax them out, the pure silence that was only broken from the crying. It only made her get pent up even more as she finally heard König shouting directions to the victims, however duty came before rage. Y/N gracefully formed in line next to Ghost, creating a herding barrier to safely guide the remaining crowd out. Ghost bends down to her ear, speaking gruffly,” cartel. 7 dead. No motive has been found so far.”

“There’s always motive dear friend, but this is quite curious.” Alejandro sidles up to the two, looking slightly disheveled and splotched in blood. 

“Maybe they’re after you.” König butts in, looking down at Alejandro menacingly and folding his arms tightly. 

“That might’ve been the case, but if you remember I was still outside when this began. They could’ve easily taken me out without ever having to step inside.” Alejandro says back monotonously, picking up the jealousy that bites in his words as he obscures Alejandro’s view of Y/N. 

“And you let them through? Are we sure we can even trust him?” König directs his question to Ghost who sighs back,” enough. Just as they can’t tell us apart from civilians, we can’t either, König. At ease.”

König drops his shoulders in reply, rearing out the last of the civilians and walking out the door.

“Whatever you three have going on tonight can wait until this is all figured out. Until then, you can apologize or forget about it. Are we clear?” Ghost adresses the three, knowing König was still looming near the door. Alejandro nods, but the other two kept silent, finding anything but Ghost entertaining in that moment.

“I said, are we clear?” Ghost threatens.

“Yes.” The three chime together, huffing a few naughty words under their breaths while following Ghost outside and back to base.

Several hours and several interrogations later, it was an open and shut mission. The cartel members responsible already apprehended by the Los Vaqueros and disposed of or incarcerated respectfully. 

“Well then, I think that’s enough for one night.” Alejandro yawns, stretching upwards before standing and heading for the door. König steps in his direction, sealing the door with his frame and glaring between him and Y/N. 

“Not before we have a nice, civil conversation.” König grips at Alejandro’s shirt, opening his mouth and being quickly cut off by a still present, but quickly leaving Ghost,” civil, König. Hands off.”

Y/N lets fear set in as the two stare each other down with no words to speak. König jerks his balled up fist away and huffs. It was only her that was to blame, and it was only her that could knock any sense in to the man that choked her out. 

“First of all, I’m sorry. Both of you. Alejandro, you’re great. And a… phenomenal kisser. But I’ll be honest and agree that tequila persuades us to do irrational things, especially if it means an excuse to leave a club and sleep in anything that’s not a cot. I’m sorry for even thinking of using you in that way, and hope this doesn’t affect our work together.” Y/N begins sheepishly, taking a moment before even daring to look at the other man in question,” and König, you’re my partner… my battle buddy. Protecting me applies to the field, not when I don’t need protecting. But like you said, we protect each other. So the fact you had the audacity to even THINK of choking me out has me questioning every thing about you.” Y/N cuts off, slightly baffled and even hurt König did it. Her eyes finally meet his, just to watch his head turn away,” if it meant protecting you, it was an action I was willing to take.”

“And how the HELL is knocking me unconscious even close to protecting me?” Y/N raises her voice, stalking closer to the brutish figure that still refused to look her way. Her questions were only met with tense silence and ongoing refusal to look her way.

“Answer me König or so help me,” she’s quickly cut off by Alejandro clamping a hand on her shoulder,” if this no longer involves me, I’ll take my leave. I appreciate the honesty at the least. No bitter feelings as I’d do the same.” 

With Alejandro’s final words, he exits through the slight gap König leaves for him, showing at least some gratuity and promising to lick his jealous wounds in private. He had someone more threatening in that moment about to sink her teeth in to him, whether it be verbally or physically… maybe he deserved it. With the two being the only ones left in the room, the atmosphere changes, anger washes over König and finally alone, he unleashes the pain and confusion of the night.

“You were trying to put yourself in the line of fire and out of protection, for what? Of course dealing with you being unconscious was better than holding your lifeless body, Scheisse Y/N!” König bites, leaning down so their faces were eye level with each other. 

“And in that action you stopped me from reaching my gun! I could’ve helped, instead of lying helpless on the floor for fucks sake! Why did you really do it?” Y/N rises on her tiptoes, trying to gain the upper hand and seem more dominant, but with every word exchanged she only felt smaller, shrinking at the thought of losing the thing that mattered most… the man that might as well be beat down and wounded standing right in front of her.

“Y/N, enough.” König warns, pique anger present at the calmness in his voice, only to be punched in the shoulder of an equally raged Y/N whose anger is shown in completely different ways,” no! I want answers, damnit! The one man I trust to protect me, leaves me lying defenseless on the floor and for what? To get back at me for kissing someone? I’m not your property! Fuck!” Y/N rambles, breath quickening as she punches König with deadly precision due to exceptional training in hand to hand combat. He braced for every blow, wincing every few good punches, but otherwise refusing to react. After a wind knocking gut punch, he grasps her hands in mid air. He quickly maneuvers them above her head, spinning them both around to pin her against the wall,” are you finished?”

“I still got my legs.” Y/N gruffly huffs out, already winded but still managing to kick at him with the same velocity as her punches. His grip causes forgotten glass to dig in to her palms, blood trickling down to her wrist and dripping down at a quickened rate thanks to her tantrum and quickened heart rate. König pins her legs down with his own, and wipes the blood trailing down her arm with his now discarded mask before lowering his hands to her wrists. 

“I was jealous. I’ll be the bigger person and admit that. But incapacitating you had NOTHING to do with it. That was your sheer drunken stupidity that caused that!” König barks back, heaving his chest as his anger is released through yelling. 

“Drunk? You’re being ridiculous right now! Even inebriated I can handle myself!” Y/N yells directly in his face, once again finding herself trying to break free from his hold. 

“But can you handle a gun? Can you handle the death of a teammate? Stop acting like a child before I put you in your place!” König practically foams at the mouth, both of their faces purple from arguing.

“Then do it! Put me in my place and stop being a pussy!” Y/N attempts to head butt his chest, resulting in König hoisting her up by her wrists with his single hand until they were eye level, both sets of eyes beaming red with hate. 

“Put you in your place? Fine.” König places a hand around her neck, for a second, fear instills itself square in Y/N’s chest. Before she could even gasp for air or react, his lips haphazardly crash in to hers, tongue penetrating her lips to slip in to her mouth aggressively. The hand that gripped her wrists slides to her waist, comforting Y/N’s back as his groin presses her against the wall. At first Y/N thought of pushing away with her newly freed hands, but lust out ruled anger and her fingers automatically entwine through his disheveled hair while her legs wrap around his waist, hands tugging and clawing at his head with every kiss. Her own tongue massages against his, exiting only to nibble at his bottom lip and drag it down.

“Thought you were going to put me in my place.” Y/N quips between kisses and strained breath. König squeezes her throat slightly, canines showing through his wicked grin,” and I am. If you want to scream at me, you can at least scream my name, Y/N.”

The seduction rolled off his tongue, and mixed with his accent, it sent a jolt of electricity down Y/N’s spine. He was only in this crazed state in moments of danger, and knowing he had no limits in this mood, Y/N genuinely feared just how far he’d go.

Königs hand slipped between the two, and under the slip of Y/N’s dress to massage perfect circles against her clothed and throbbing clit. A gasp escapes Y/N’s mouth, only to be hushed by König,” that’s not my name, Y/N.”

His hand squeezes tighter, hips grinding against her in the same rhythm as his fingers, pushing them deeper in to the wall while his lips trail down to her neck to leave purple welts just above her breasts. 

“K-König…” Y/N trails off with a slight moan, returned with a hum of approval. König removes the hand around her throat briefly to hike her dress up, giving another squeeze as he settles it back around her throat. His lips return to hers as he moves his lower hand to her ass, keeping her balanced against his waist and moving to the table, lowering Y/N against the cool metal. Y/N pulls at his hair once again, guiding it down lower. He presses a pressured kiss against her soaked panties, tilting his head side to side to tease her throbbing cunt. 

“Tell me who you really wanted pinning you against that club wall Y/N.” König mumbles against her, accentuating every word so it vibrated deep in to her core.

“Y-you, König. I only want you.” Y/N moans out, causing one of his hands to press against her entrance as he smiled, teeth brushing against her panties,” tell me you were just using him.”

“I was!” She clips out.

“You were what?” König questions, nuzzling his face in deeper, tongue now tracing circles opposite of his finger.

“I was just using him t-to leave the club! Fuck, König!” Y/N chokes against the saliva rapidly flushing to her mouth in anticipation of release. König growls deeply with satisfaction, but quickly growing impatient with the barrier that separated them.

“Fuck indeed.” He huffs, sharply inhaling a breath of air and pushing her panties out of the way, tongue immediately massaging Y/N’s clit and fingers instantly soaked upon entering her dripping cunt. Y/N can only recoil at the overstimulation, body tensing and relaxing at every push, pull… and curl of his fingers. 

“König, I’m going to-“ Y/N is revoked of ecstasy as his hand withdraws from her, tongue slowing to a soft lap that slows further in to lazy kisses.

“I don’t think so, Y/N. You wanted to be put in your place, you can start by learning that I’m in charge in this moment. You are going to lay here and obey every word I say, and do what I ask. Are we clear?” König growls lowly, gently massaging at his hardening erection and stripping to his boxers. 

“And if I say no?” She questions lustfully, posturing up to her elbows for a better view.

“Then I guess I’ll have to fuck you until all you can say is yes, or even better, not talk at all.” König smirks, pulling his fully hardened cock out but refusing to move until Y/N becomes antsy,” kiss it.”

She raises an eyebrow, considering on refusing but ultimately follows his order. Leaning from the table, she places a kiss directly on his leaking tip, then moves lower while leaving a trail of kisses to his shaft. Upon making her way back to the tip, she attempts to wrap her lips around, only to be stopped.

“Turn around Y/N.” He unleashes another command, and Y/N obliges, leaning against the cool metal of the table and baring her ass to him.

A daft smack against her ass rings out in the room, receiving a light whimper from Y/N.

“I guess you can follow orders.” König chuckles, Dick pressed directly at her entrance but refusing to push past the barrier. Y/N attempts to push against him, receiving another smack before König harshly rams in to her and hits her wall roughly. She winces at the quick change, trying her best to adjust before he slides out once again, quickly ramming back in. This time, a clipped scream bubbles from Y/N’s throat at the pleasurable pain of taking his length. His hands find steadiness at the back of her head, pulling back roughly from the roots of her hair with every thrust. 

“K-König! Please!” Y/N gasps out in a moan, receiving a guttural growl,” K-König! please, what?”

His mocking of her causes Y/N’s eyes to roll to the back of her head as another moan racks her body. 

“Please, let me cum!” She winces, ecstasy becoming pain as it knots in her stomach.

“Do you think you’ve been put in your place?” He barks in question.

“Y-yes!” Y/N whimpers in a pathetic answer.

“Are you going to call me a pussy again, Y/N?” König replies with a tinge of anger, quickening his pace and hitting even deeper.

“No!” She sputters out, receiving another smack against her already reddening ass,” don’t lie to me, Y/N. I’ll choke you out again if I have to.”

His hand snakes away from her hair, trailing down to her throat and locking tightly to emphasize his threat. The world vibrates in and out of focus, black splotches forming in Y/N’s vision as she screams, the heaviest orgasm tearing through her,” I-I’m not! I’m c-cu-“ 

Another vicious moan rips at her throat before she can even finish, the feeling of relief so strong it makes her nauseous, but König only quickens his pace and prolongs the ache in her core. 

“What’s the matter, Y/N? Are your words bigger than your actions? Bit off more than you could chew?” His words become strained, showing his own bluff as the rest of his movements become sloppy and even more erratic. 

“Seems like you’re all talk too, big guy.” Y/N pushes at him, a laugh quickly dying off as his strokes become vicious once again.  

“You ever, even look at someone again the way you did Alejandro, you’ll only be able to think of me fucking you to a senseless pulp.” König growls in finality, giving a final heave before pulling out and slamming his back against the table next to her after finishing. Between gasps for air, Y/N turns to look at the disheveled man beside her who was particularly entertained by the ceiling. His hooded eyes drag slowly to her own, toothy smirk quickly following,” if that didn’t put you in your place, maybe water boarding will do the trick.”

“König, no!” Y/N smack his chest lightly, taking the time to slide her dress back in to place and grab his hand to examine every cut and scar that molded intricately in to him. 

“Don’t pay too close attention to what defines a monster dear Y/N.” He grumbles, pulling his hand away to rest it on his still heaving chest. She only threads her fingers in to his tightly before replying,” if you’re a monster, I’m only worse. Because I’m dumb enough to believe we could ever find love in each other. You’re too good for me, König.”

“Or we’re too horrible for each other. Like gasoline and an unruly fire.” He corrects her, circling his large thumb in the crook of her palm. 

“So what do we do?” Y/N ponders, draping her leg over his torso and curling in to him.

“I suppose we become a blazing fire, burning hot and unruly. It’s hard to control a fire, and I was always told sometimes it’s good to just let it burn.” He answers, pulling Y/N on top of him and cradling her in his arms so tightly in fear that if he let her go, she’d never return. Her resting head rises to meet his eyes once again,” then we’ll burn together.”

[schizotypal-culture-is]

I wonder if im the only schizotypal that doesn’t feel weird/odd/eccentric, which makes me suspect that i might be misdiagnosed since its basically called “the odd or eccentric disorder”..? I do realise that my thoughts are bizzarre sometimes and that i cant relate to others but i still i dont feel weird, i dont feel anything? Neither normal or weird. I especially become anxious if i get noticed by people so by default i try to be “normal” but still get paranoid by simply existing, but thats beside the point, i dont feel eccentric or anything😞 im so confused

Sent in: May 26, 2024

I have an answer for you that’ll hopefully clear up your confusion!

tl;dr this is due to the egosyntonic nature of PDs, pwStPD can recognize that others perceive them and their behavior as being “odd” and “eccentric” without feeling odd and eccentric, and without identifying with other’s perceptions of them

If any other pwStPD/traits would like to talk about their experience with this, I’ll be using the tag “#egosyntonic” for the ask feature, and anon is on!

Egodystonic and Egosyntonic

There tend to be two classifications of disorders: egodystonic and egosyntonic.

Disorders that are egodystonic, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, etc are disorders where the symptoms of the disorder do not align with the individual’s sense of self, ie the person with depression, anxiety, OCD, etc are aware that they’re “sick” and “unwell” and deviate from the norm. People who have an anxiety disorder know their anxious thoughts and feelings, anxiety and panic attacks, fears and behaviors are not “them”, and that they are behaving and reacting irrationally. The same can be said about depression, and the obsessions and compulsions in OCD, etc.

Disorders that are egosyntonic, such as personality disorders and anorexia, are disorders where the symptoms of the disorder DO align with the individual’s sense of self. This means someone with an egosyntonic disorder sees their behavior as normal. Because PDs at their core are a dysfunction in intrapersonal (a person’s internal perceptions and experiences) as well as interpersonal (dealing with other people) disorder, this means that when pwPDs have a problem with someone else (for instance, say a person or situation makes them split) a pwPDs won’t realize they themselves are the ones having an issue (they’re the ones triggered and splitting) they see the other person as being the sole issue (I can’t believe that person did that to me, and now I’m going to react because I feel justified in my emotions and my behavior, however I’m unaware that no one else sees this situation the way I do because I have a personality disorder and don’t interact the world the way persotypicals do. I think because my thoughts and emotions which are informed by my PD are normal, therefore my outward behavior is normal. But it’s not, and people view me negatively. I don’t see myself as the problem though, and think everyone else around me are just unfair and judgmental).

Now, for StPD specifically, our quasi-psychotic thinking and behavior feels very normal and natural to us because of the egosyntonic nature of PDs, but to everyone else it makes us come off as “odd” and “eccentric”, even though you yourself don’t feel or think of yourself as “odd” or eccentric”.

And there are now 2 things to keep in mind here I’d like to discuss: 1.) you can be made aware of being odd and eccentric through experience and interaction with other people and therapy/research and practiced awareness and 2.) the StPD split is more about acceptance/ostracization (I’m so sorry I don’t know how to spell that word and I messed it up so bad autocorrect can’t recognize and fix it 🥲 there’s a StPD-culture-is moment for the blog 😅)

You can be made aware of being odd and eccentric through experience and interaction with other people and therapy/research and practiced awareness.

I first learned that I wasn’t as normal/good at masking as I thought I was when I first started college. I had a friend/classmate tell me I acted really weird and this really shocked me (for a number of reasons, most of them stemming from childhood abuse). There was a running joke between my classmates that I wasn’t human but actually an alien in disguise because there was just something about my behavior that felt “off” to them. This same thing repeated when I got a job, then switched shifts. People would jokingly and endearingly say I wasn’t human, but either an alien, or had an “uncanny valley” effect about me.

During all this, I had learned I had StPD and realized that is what was more than likely why people perceived me the way they did, it also provided me clarity and context as to why I was bullied in school growing up- because I just gave off some Weird Vibe to non-schizos. But here’s thing- and based off of submissions that have been shared to this blog, I feel certain that this is many other schizotypal’s experience with this as well -despite being made aware that I’m odd/eccentric/weird, I still don’t understand what exactly it is I do that makes people see me that way, because my thoughts and feelings, and as a result, my behavior all feels normal and natural to me, because of the egosyntonic nature of StPD.

I have actually asked some trusted people what exactly it is about me that makes me seem weird, and some of them were able to give me answers! Someone said I don’t express a full range of emotion and so it creeped them out a little that only expressed myself in a limited way. Someone said I talk in a monotone despite not having a full and droning voice, one person said I “walk like a serial killer” because I kept my arms at my sides instead of swinging them. So asking people has given me insight. Also, doing research about StPD has helped! I know not to openly talk about my ideas of reference and magical thinking, for example, or that if I get paranoia about A Presence or Thing being in the house with me, I should rely on my Special Safe Items instead of reach to someone because then I’ll be judged. I also know those things are specific to my reality, which makes it less scary. I remind myself it’s a Me Thing (even though the fear is very real!)

The StPD split is more about acceptance/ostracization (sorry again for the spelling!)

As discussed [ in this post ] the StPD split is about acceptance and ostracization. This is due to our social anxiety and paranoia! Social acceptance means we don’t have to fear those around us, and that we’re safe (in a similar way to PPD, and also like PPD it’s going to be extremely difficult to actually feel safe and accepted by people, more than likely due to past experiences and trauma with bullying). But if people judge us and cut us off, then it causes us to split, and our social anxiety and paranoia get triggered. People are laughing at us behind our backs, everyone at work has a group chat were they just laugh at how stupid and dumb and weird you are, etc and all those other social anxiety and paranoia based ideas of reference. (As a side note, most pwStPD just isolate altogether to avoid the possibility of being judged/socially ostracized/made fun of/bullied and harassed/etc).

Now, if you’ve never had someone come to you and let you know that you’re perceived as being weird, odd, eccentric, etc. (or otherwise gained that knowledge yourself via research or therapy) then you’re not going to have that general insight as to why people treat you the way you do. But I feel like for most pwStPD/traits, the older you get and the more interactions you have, eventually you’ll come for realize (through research or experience) you’re Odd, Eccentric, Weird, etc., and learn to assign what behaviors are “acceptable” and what needs to be masked/hidden/minimized/etc. This doesn’t mean your thoughts, feelings and behaviors suddenly stop feeling natural and normal, but you learn to try and mask them or learn how to cope with them, ie you learn that being perceived as “odd/eccentric/strange/weird/etc” = social ostracization, and so they can get used interchangeably in discussions! And of course, all this can be down without actually feeling odd, eccentric or weird. It’s more of a logical, trial-and-error type thing than it is a feeling. It you understanding it’s how others perceive you, and that perception is the root of their interaction with you (and interaction determines what side of the split a pwStPD is on) but that doesn’t mean you have to identify with or as other’s perception of you*.

*and as a side note, while the initial realization that others perceive you differently than how you perceive yourself can absolutely be a mindfuck, once you learn to accept and live with it, it can really help you with the overall quasi-psychotic nature of StPD (and the rest of the schizotaxic PDs!). People see you one way, you see yourself another way; people are living in their shared version of reality, you are living your own unique version of reality. You can understand both of these truths at once (which is called “double bookkeeping”) to them, you’re strange and odd, and they live in an apsychotic reality; but for you, you’re reactions are quite normal and sound for the version of reality that you live in.

[iridescent-solstice]

𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲! 𝐀 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 🌸 | ᴘᴛ. ꜰᴏᴜʀ: ᴘᴏʀᴛɪᴀ | ⤷ ʟɪꜰᴇ ʜᴀᴅ ʙᴇᴇɴ ꜱᴏ ʜᴇᴄᴛɪᴄ ᴜᴘ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴘᴏɪɴᴛ. ᴍᴀᴋɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄʜᴇʀɪꜱʜ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴍᴀʟʟ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰɪɴᴀʟʟʏ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴘᴇɴᴅ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴇʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ . . .

Prompt from @vesuviaweekly used: How to cry!!

"Take it off, Portia i'm done." The steel cold tone with which you speak makes her eyes widen like saucers. Your arms crossed over each other as you seethe. Silently, Portia gawks at you, mouth slightly agape as the door to the servants' quarter quietly shuts behind her. Hands finally free after hours of carrying things around and unlocking doors. Her eyes wander around trying to understand but fails to comprehend why you seem so upset. "Huh? What do you mean? Take what off?" A glimpse of humour appears in her eyes. Glints at you like a shining light before her hands fall to the hem of her shirt, "my oh my ~ Is that what you intend? I thought I was the only on-"

"No not that. Take your mask off." She's stunned once more. Hands leaving to fall to her side.

"What?! . . . What do you mean? I'm not wearing my masquerade mask right now, I really don't understand . . ." She sighs deeply and rubs her face in her hands. A sorrowful expression on her face. "Im sorry, I might be more tired that I realised but I don't know what you're talking about." A frown appears on her face as she looks away from you, eyes slightly misty. Feeling guilty since she hasn't spent much time with you. The masquerade ball already having so much anticipation around it. Despite it being a week away, the anxiety to make it perfect is lingering in the air. A heavy burden on every servant, and you know that. You sigh and shake your head at her.

"No no, you're fine, I should stop being so vague." Your feet move towards her on their own accord, no push necessary as you go to hold her hands. Pulling her close into your embrace. She, in turn, doesn't hesitate to bury her face into your shoulder. Her arms around your waist already. "What I meant, is that I want you to be yourself . . ."

Your voice coming out as a mere shy whisper. The day's frustration melting away already from both of you as you rub her back. Holding on to her like she's your lifeline, you hug her tighter. "What I meant to say was just that . . . I don't want you pretend to be someone you're not. To hide things from me. To do everything by yourself. Please . . . Take your mask off. Stop hiding from me and just tell me what's wrong." You plead to her but neither of you has it in themselves to pull away from the embrace.

Nor the strength to glance each other in the eye. You can tell she's shocked by how quiet she is. Portia, believe it or not, despite having so many acquaintances all over Versuvia . . . Has never had anyone be so enamoured with her as to want to get to know her. She's always second to someone, Never the one, always the spare. Yet with you . . . That's never the case is it? She's touched, she really is, and you can tell when she speaks. "I . . . Thank you, I'll try to do that," Her wobbly agreement is all she says before the dam breaks and you get to comfort her as she finally begins to speak her mind to you.

[ ᴅɪᴠɪᴅᴇʀꜱ ʙʏ: @magicalboything] ⤷ Recoloured so it stands out on the blog and fits the character. If you're not comfy with that PLS do let me know and I'll change it!

And with this entry . . . the 𝐅𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲! 𝐀 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 🌸 is complete!! It was a lot of fun to try and imagine different scenarios for each character so I might do something like this again sometime soon. Thank you for reading and following along. I hope you enjoyed all of the oneshots I posted. I feel like I could have done better for some characters but yknow what?

I shouldn't keep mulling over stuff for too long or I'll never post haha. I will try to do better next time!

{ᴅɪꜱᴄʟᴀɪᴍᴇʀ: ɪ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴅᴅ ᴘɪᴄᴛᴜʀᴇꜱ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴘɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇꜱᴛ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴇᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ꜰɪᴄꜱ. ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʙᴇʟᴏɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ ᴜɴʟᴇꜱꜱ ꜱᴛᴀᴛᴇᴅ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀᴡɪꜱᴇ. ᴀɢᴇʟᴇꜱꜱ ʙʟᴏɢꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ʙʟᴏɢꜱ ᴜɴᴅᴇʀ 16 ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ꜰᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴏʀ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ᴍᴅɴɪ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ʙʟᴏᴄᴋᴇᴅ}

[weirdmageddon]

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

[weebsinstash]

On my platonic yandere Batfam bullshit again thinking about, like, deliberately dramatic scenarios because I crave emotional tension

-imagine if Bruce gets called in to regressed!Reader's school because you got in a fist fight with another kid, and this kid is the son of one of his prominent business partners and Bruce, uh, doesn't immediately believe you when you state for him and the principal why you got into a fight because, hey he knows that boy, he isn't THAT bad! And Bruce scolds you and makes you apologize and even grounds you once you two are in the car alone and you're just noticeably extremely angry and quiet to the point you won't even come out of your room for dinner. And after some time has passed, days even, a couple members of the fam are in a room together with you and someone cracks a joke about you losing your temper over a misunderstanding and you just, stare directly at them as you pull out your phone, press play on a video, and walk away as they watch where you had been trying to take a photo of something like idk a flower or the weather and began accidentally filming after Selina helped dropped you off at school and the footage caught the boy outright calling her a slut for what she was wearing

And of course Bruce is upset because that kid insulted Catwoman and also got some swings back at you (he's probably proud to a certain degree that you defended Selina and shes absolutely delighted when she hears about it) but he asks "well why didn't you tell me you had proof im the first place" and you just spit at him "oh so I need PROOF for you to BELIEVE ME?" And extra bonus points if Reader has their old memories back and hits him with "after everything you've done to me, I finally ask for your help and ACTUALLY needed you this ONE TIME and you couldn't even believe me? Wow, my hero 🙄" so now he knows he's broken your heart AND you're back to the "old you" that he wants to, father all the depression and trauma out of

-since Dick, Barbara, and Reader would all be going to a prestigious school I think of like, what if your class got kidnapped for ransom while on a field trip. And Robin and Batgirl look over to you thinking you're going to panic and freak out but you're suspiciously calm, or, calmer than the anxiety stricken adopted 'sibling' they've had this whole time, and maybe despite being kidnapped by like, idk, Babyface or Black Mask or Two Face, and maybe you even just outright insult them and it becomes horribly obvious to them "oh not only do you have your memories back, they've unintentionally turned you into an explosive powder keg of repressed anger and frustration because they betrayed what little trust you had left"

You just look at Two Face and start fucking with him, this criminal looking down as a teenager starts roasting him way too casually and maybe with facts you shouldn't even know, things you remember from your time as a hero before. "Hey Harvey, what's hanging, it's been a while. Hey can I ask a question? You ever think about just outright asking someone like I dunno Bruce Wayne to fix that fucked up meat gristle face of yours? Like, I'm sure having half your body resemble the same consistency of a breakfast sausage has its uses in intimidation, but, like, I'm sure if you just walked up to Batman and said 'hey if you make me look less like a rotisserie chicken I'll quit crime' and he would probably just like, HAND the money for the sugery to you, like, do you think Batmobile money falls out of the sky, he's clearly fucking loaded"

And of course the follow up/alternative of "the stress triggers Reader's metagene or old memories or both and you just start whooping ass unapologetically and Barb and Dick are sweating because they're trying not to break incognito but like you're significantly hurting these dudes, you're clearly really angry and upset and taking it out on them" and tbh I imagine Batman already has contingencies for this possibility. He shows up in costume and Two Face has already fled but you're standing there in your preppy school uniform now dirty and torn, blood on your knuckles, about to beat a man unconscious while your classmates either cower or cheer or fear you. If Reader has some sort of magic, then he just has to get Nth metal from Hawkgirl or Hawkman, maybe he'll make it a cute bracelet, just a nice gift from Dad. Bodily autonomy to use your own powers and be an adult again, what's that? He's disappointed in you for caving into the darkness and also? you're grounded >:(

-Reader becoming a mugging/gun violence victim and now you're never allowed to leave the manor, period. I can only imagine like the projection of trauma from Bruce if, after losing his parents, he has to watch you weak and recovering from a gunshot, wheezing in bed struggling to breathe properly because a bullet went through one of your lungs. You're put in a total bubble to recover in absolute peace and sterility, but, even far after you've recovered, your "guardian" is still convinced someone will leap out of the bushes to hurt you, so, no leaving the manor unless he's with you. Like. Imagine him being so scared he doesn't even want to trust your safety with the other Batfamily members, and maybe he even cracks down on several of the other younger members because he doesn't want them to get shot too (also like, resulting trauma and overprotectiveness if one or multiple of them saw you get shot and are like, still fucked up over having to apply pressure to your bullet wound as your warm blood leaks all over their fingers and they can't do anything to stop you and-- like do you see how that would send some of them into borderline psychosis when theyve already got So Many Many Issues)

-all of them try to exert control over what you're exposed to and consume in terms of entertainment. You have spyware on your phone and any member of the Batfam who can use the Batcomputer can see your past and current browsing history and I will die on this hill. Bruce and Alfred are rigorous in making sure you don't ruin your mental health. Like you know how I talked about "what if you had a yandere that was in tech and he gave you a phone that he occasionally spies on and remotely disables if he thinks you're spending too much time on it/seeing something you shouldnt"? Bruh that's like half of the Manor, Bruce especially. He has to "make sure nothing bad happens to you". All it can take is 'one bad day', after all...

-obsessed with the idea of them getting jealous of you spending time with other alternate universe versions of themselves, in concepts where Reader is a JL member/vigilante and has the power/tech to multiverse travel anyways. Batman hasn't seen you in a couple weeks and, actually maybe he's a little concerned about you, you've kind of just vanished off the face of the earth, and he bumps into you on a Gotham rooftop with. Another Batman, and getting along much better and being more casual and friendly with the stranger than with him. Broody fucking "I am darkness, I am the night, I am vengeance" Bruce catching you like. smoking weed on his couch with the hilariously weird version of him from the Harley Quinn cartoon universe and God forbid if anyone shows signs of having feelings for you

(also could you imagine how ballistic he and or Jason would go if they caught you hanging out with, you know, one of the super violent "murder is ok" Jasons/Batmans and you tell them straight up "actually I agree with what he's doing, I want to help him, in fact maybe I'll work with HIM now instead of you" like, y'all, I think Batman would permanently never let you work as a hero or sidekick ever again because he's genuinely worried you'll fall down the slippery slope and make a mistake that ruins your life. Like depending on the depiction of Batman you're looking at, some of them admit straight up that they don't kill Joker because they know they're legitimately filled with so much anger and hatred that if they kill even one person, that'll break the barrier to killing tons of criminals outright and they won't be able to stop)

-all I'm saying is that if they ever caught you like being cordial or mildly friendly with an alternate universe version of a villain, no matter how good they are, they shut that shit down immediately. "Y/N who is that" "oh this is my bud The Jester from the universe where the Joker is actually really good and a superhero and--" *jester proceeds to be grappled back through a multiverse portal* "wait no don't freak out this poison ivy is actually really chill and she's married to Harley and she sells me really good weed and she only does a liiiiiitle bit of ecoterrorism and--" immediately thrown in Arkham

-I just genuinely think it's funny that they're probably either smoking weed with you bc trauma and stress or are vehemently anti drug. Can you imagine just in general like, regressed reader, batfam member, either way, just being an actual adult just minding your business and smoking weed and Bruce reacting like he just caught you with a loaded gun in your pocket "y/n is that a weed" "yeah its for my chronic pain--" "I'm calling commissioner gordon" like, Bruce practically acting like you need to go to rehab

-I kinda love the drama of Bruce or Dick or Barbara or just any of the Batfam members accidentally basically ruining your social life and social reputation. You were at a house party one night and eventually pics start getting texted around of Nightwing confronting you in the yard and pulling you away and now there are rumors you're a criminal on parole. You get invited to smoke weed at a friend's and suddenly Batman is in the house and suddenly everyone's parents are there to pick up their kids as he lectures about the dangers of drugs and now absolutely NO ONE from school wants anything to do with you "because what if Batman shows up and gets us in trouble"

-I feel like, as one of those vaguely morally gray areas, that Bruce would make you take medication and get treatment for, like, really anything that needs it, but more specifically anxiety and depression and just overall psychological issues. And as a dark twist what if you aren't really naturally anxious and don't even have an anxiety disorder or anything but he puts you on pills to mellow you out because you're freaking out at him for completely valid and understandable reasons like, you know, being confined in his home against your will. "What, you aren't mad about being kidnapped and controlled and lied to, you clearly just have pre existing emotional issues that keep you from reacting properly, but don't worry I'm here to help" 🙄🙄🙄

[theaviskullguy]

literally slides into the doorway with bug eyes and an evil grin

Can i have some of your alarmy thoughts? I'm hungry

of course!!!

-Both are trans- Aloha is transmasc and Army is nonbinary (it/he) (no this isnt projection what are you talking about /s)

-Army is very touch-starved, and as a result craves affection- both romantic and platonic. Aloha is more than willing to give it

-Also as a result of anxiety army gets Tired very easily and will often fall asleep on Aloha if they're watching something on the couch or even just in a longish car ride. (as someone with anxiety, it does tend to make me very sleepy by proxy of keeping me up at night so army has a similar deal)

-They flirt with each other in their native languages- Aloha in Hawaiian, and Army in Scottish.

-Their go-to date is often going to a musical together. Inkopolis has a LOT of good theaters around (they live in Inkopolis and commute to Splatsvile)

-They also like to go dancing. Like- proper dancing. It's fun.

-Army used to have a manual for relationships and navigating them- but he and Aloha had a talk about it. Essentially, Aloha felt a little... annoyed that Army relied on the manual for romantic interactions, and how it made them feel a bit forced.

-Now, Army's autistic, and used its manuals to not only relieve stress, but had a few to help it mask a bit better- he got where Aloha was coming from, but it still felt a little hurt by this.

-He expressed this to Aloha- and also told him about his Autism- and Aloha essentially said "oh fuck i didnt know- im sorry i never meant it that way"

-but he also told army that he didn't need to mask in front of him. Aloha himself is adhd and wanted to help Army feel a bit safer and more comfortable because masking can be tiring. (I have adhd and not autism- but i still sometimes have to mask and it is painful how mentally exhausting that can be)

-So... Army decided to give it a try. He stopped masking around Aloha- rambling about whatever recipe, musical, or battle tactic he was focused on in that moment, he stopped forcing eye contact, and he let himself... just relax. Let his guard down. And he felt so incredibly comfortable for the first time in years about it and hes been loving it

[urmoonstone]

a fresh start~!

welcome yall!

im so excited to see so many people already showing up! i consider anyone who found me through twitter to be what i call:

~ the real ones ~

you've stuck through thick and thin and i truly appreciate you giving a shit about me that much to follow a little link to a whole ass other place to keep in touch! that really means a ton to me.

seriously, i have been so disenchanted with twitter and general public spaces for.. a while now! for a couple reasons - mostly personal. i don't think i've talked about this much publicly and since we're.. looks left looks right ~ the real ones ~ here... i figure i'll talk about it a bit

a couple things on why i've been so quiet in places lately. i plan to talk a LOT on tumblr so.. get ready LOL

another me & frozen time

thousands of people found me through videos that i don't want to be associated with anymore. i had my twitter account for years but it never surpassed a couple hundred. it was mostly just friends and people i knew from early abridged series days. that all changed when my twitter handle was blasted on videos that literally a million eyeballs have seen. at that time i was coming off of the actual lowest point of my life. i really wasn't ready to be in front of so many people publicly like that, but situations played out a certain way and i took a leap and went for it.

because i was still so mentally rattled, i put on this performer face that was full of energy and ready to be interactive and reactionary so that, well, the hundreds of thousands of new eyeballs on me would like me. i didn't want to let them down. this was a huge opportunity after all and i did have a natural performer presence already. i just kinda, dialed it up a ton because a camera was on. and what do you know, it worked! people liked my stupid shit. they liked my banter with others, and it all worked out. for a while. keeping on that mask takes a lot of energy. i'm not naturally that extroverted. i think so few people are. but, the impression was already set in people's minds. i was "salty" and "annoying" at my worst but a chaotic spaz who injected fun at my best.

people captured this image of me in time that they can constantly replay and it's a version of myself that i despise. a fake hyperbole that's farthest from genuine imaginable. so when people followed through to the thing in those videos, my twitter, they expected that same person, that same version of myself and.. well they would rarely get it. keeping up that "bit" forever wasn't feasible for someone like me. and i frankly can't keep up at something like that. it made me more depressed trying to meet up to certain expectations, and the volume of critical and downright hateful messages really took a toll on me.

not to say that all of them are bad! i've met so many amazing and wonderful people through those videos. i don't regret doing them. but after they're published, what the world does with them is out of my control. and they kind of exploded in a way that i really didn't expect. and so people look for this thing from me, they don't get it, and they move on. but some of them still followed me on twitter, and it kind of inflated that number to a point that stressed me out constantly. i can handle eyes on me, but.. how many of those eyes were on the real me? not a ton. most of them were looking for another me. the one frozen in time in youtube uploads, always making the same jokes. a caricature on display.

and so i tried to be more human.

public venting & the timeskip

on some videos i let slip that yknow, i had depression and anxiety. people heard about this and asked questions. as the numbers grew i started to feel like my voice was more and more legitimate, that i had something to say that people should be listening to. and at the end of the day i wanted to be a voice that could lift people up and encourage others. i wanted to be a teacher, dammit! but really the motivation was always helping people. so i tried to a bit of that on twitter, in, well, maybe not the best way.

i treated twitter like a journal. i was extremely open about my struggles throughout the days. at 2 am i would post about how miserable i was, but how grateful i was to have people in my corner. and sure enough a ton of people would send in a bunch of kind messages my way. they were genuine and encouraging. i had open DMs and broadcast to people: "hey! if you need someone to talk to at 3 in the morning cuz you're goin thru it, i'm here to listen"

and i was!! there were hundreds of people that messaged me and i did my best to listen and to offer advice if i had any. some just sent in their own kind words and that was always sweet. some of them we had a longer back and forth talking through situations and they thanked me afterward. i got a DM the other day from someone who messaged me years ago to say thank you for hearing them out back in 2016. that really made my day.

but it was really difficult keeping up with all of that, and throughout all of this i wasn't in therapy myself. my messages became growingly personal on twitter to where a couple of my friends would approach me and say "you probably shouldn't be so open about this on twitter." and i ignored them!! looking back on it they were right. there were people who thanked me for being so open about it and said that my openness showed them that they weren't alone in what they were dealing with. which is its own comfort. i'm really glad for that. but finding that next step to improving on things is where the action is. and i couldn't be that. i'm not a therapist or a counselor. (honestly i would like to be but... maybe that'll be later in life!)

for a time this would go on though. i would vent on twitter, being way more open than i probably should've been, people would reply in kind, and it would repeat. i knew things couldn't keep going this way, and so i sought the help of a therapist. this was at the start of 2020.

do you know who else needed therapy at the start of 2020?

my mom everyone!!

everyone was stuck inside. so many people realized they had the same problems i did. and now they were online more than ever to post openly about their struggles, to vent on twitter, to add to the chorus of complaints. sometimes it's good to complain. sometimes it's good to vent! but there needs to be something in place to help you figure out where to go from there, and so many people would just circle the drain of depression, never moving forward, commiserating forever.

this, my friends, is ~the timeskip~. a lot of people are upset. the world seems scarier than ever. i won't pretend a lot of it isn't scary! and that venting isn't okay! but it was just.. too much for me. after pursuing therapy and making fundamental changes in myself, i decided that i wouldn't broadcast all my negativity on twitter. i saw what was happening and wanted to be a happy, positive, genuine voice to lift people up. i was already working on my game development project and so i tried to encourage others to pursue their creative endeavors, doing literally anything other than festering on the negatives. because that will only make everything worse!

sometimes depression and anxiety doesn't give you a choice on how to feel, but you have a choice to get on twitter & contribute to the cacophony. i choose not to! and even now i feel like saying something like this is BAD because...

public enemy

i'm not about to say my depression is "cured," but therapy has helped more than ever to get my depression in a manageable spot. i don't feel helpless. i know that i can figure things out. i've made it through worse! but what still creeps its ugly head from time to time is...

anxiety

i'm a perfectionist and always have been. i didn't understand until the past couple of years that anxiety and perfectionism are basically the same thing! scared of failure, imagining the worst possible outcome and becoming paralyzed by indecision. what if you do the wrong thing? what if you say the wrong thing..??

and this fear has kept me from saying.. basically anything online!

i see my almost 30,000 twitter followers and would think "all it takes is to say something wrong for that ONE person and i'm done." Even now i'm sitting here like, "why even bother saying this?" but i'd rather get this out there for ~ the real ones ~ (and i need the writing practice!).

i'm not about to complain about ~ cancel culture ~ but i can't pretend that being someone with that many eyes on me hasn't made me clam up more than ever.

i see other creators with hundreds of thousands of eyes on them who keep their head buried in their creation and their public presence to a minimum. and i envy that. i want to do that more and more. i would rather that my creative works speak for themselves and people can enjoy and interpret the art i make. i know i only have the smallest percentage of publicity as someone like toby fox, but i get why you'd want to stay more anonymous with how mean some people can be online. even typing these words i think "i'm sure someone's gonna be mad about this" and you know what?

fuck em~!

i know that i'm not a bad person. i want to help people. i have only ever wanted to raise people up and encourage them to do their best. and to be the best they can be!

i think a lot of people are scared to be honest about things, and i can see why. but i want to be authentic.

i want to be myself.

i am cringe.

but i am free.

and all of ~ the real ones ~ will be getting nothing less than that! i hope you will be your cringe ass as well.

in conclusion

i'm grateful for the opportunities i've had and things i've been able to do, but i'm ready to make a solid foot forward establishing my identity as who i really am, not as some caricature. i'll still be doing goofy gameplay videos with Grant here and there because we've known each other forever and he's my best friend and i love him! but my main focus is definitely making this card game and video game and other creative things!

thank you so much for stopping by and sticking with me. i know i may not be exactly what you expected when you first followed, or however you found me. maybe i'm exactly what you expected! in which case... oh no... i have to dial the cringometer at least another 10 notches...

i really enjoy writing like this and haven't had an outlet for it in some time. expect to see more like this as well as some gamedev / game design posts from meeeee. i'm excited to see all the artists on here and to post my own cringe ass art stuff soon too!

have a good one. much love to yall.

おやすみ～

[sanriopropaganda]

vent under the cut

ive had two best friends in my life, one from elementary to high school who moved away when we were 14 and we grew apart, and the other i met in my freshman year of college who dropped me for a romantic partner. i haven’t been able to find anyone since.

i have close friends, i even have people i might consider some of my best friends, but those people have their own best friend, and it’s not me. im not apart of a friend group, i mostly just bounce around from hangout to hangout. i interact with people a lot! im friends with a good number of people! i just. don’t have that one person that everyone else seems to.

i thought i had found a good group of girls that could maybe be a friend group since i don’t have one since moving back home. they were already friends, and i met them through a mutual friend that was also fairly new to the group. i was just scrolling on instagram today and i saw that there was a birthday party i wasn’t invited to that i just. had to find out through social media had happened. even the newer person was invited.

and maybe i had overinflated my position, or maybe i saw or felt something that wasn’t mutual, but after being invited to other gatherings and parties with the full group, it hurt! and then i started thinking about how they dont really talk to me outside of those hangouts. and there was a group chat they forgot to add me to (whether or not it was purposeful or not i don’t know). i thought maybe we would talk more as time went on, and ive tried to initiate those conversations, but. it’s never worked out.

and ik no one is obligated to hang out with me, ik no one is obligated to invite me to anything, especially since we haven’t known each other for a full year. but it just sucks bc like. im never anyone’s person. im no one’s best friend. people aren’t really jumping at the chance to be with me. i feel like the same lonely kid i always have been.

and it also just feels like. all for nothing? ive done so much work. i try really hard to be someone people like. i think im personable and nice and funny and people say i come off as confident. i dress nicely, i try to talk to people, i try to be supportive and there for others when they need to vent. ive changed so much. im no longer that shy awkward teen i once was, and thats great! i have my moments bc of social anxiety, but i have done a lot to be someone that people want to be around. and of course i have my flaws and things i try to work on but. it all just feels like it’s for nothing. bc im still that kid that doesn’t have a lunch table to sit at. and i feel like im letting myself down.

but even then i feel like it’s all fake. i don’t know where the real me ends and the mask begins. how much of me being a good person is me? how much of it is what i think other people want to see? i don’t know! but sometimes i think. that mask may slip, and i say something weird, or im a little too loud, or i get too excited and i talk too much, or i get too comfortable and i think someone may like me for me! and they don’t.

and ik the reaction to that may be “well you need to know yourself before you can be loved”. i don’t know if that’s ever going to happen! i truly don’t! ive been mentally ill and lonely my whole life. and they just. feed into each other. idk how to separate the loneliness from myself, I don’t know what it means to not feel like this. but does that mean i don’t deserve to love and be loved? aren’t there other people who have found connections and joy and love while being like me? what is it about me that is so repugnant? i try really hard, i genuinely do, i go to therapy and i only sometimes take my meds but i am genuinely really trying and i dont know why im not getting anywhere. but i want to be better, i really do! even with the depression, and the anxiety, and the bpd, i really do try.

i just want to be someone people genuinely truly like and want to be around. i want to meet people and have them think “wow i want to be her friend”. i want to not get dropped for other people. i want to be someone’s first choice. but im not. i want to have a group of people, and even just one, that i think of and who thinks of me when those silly memes of “me and the girls” pop up.

and sometimes i wonder if im just destined to be alone. it really sucks, but i wish some cosmic entiry or god or something would tell me that that’s just the way i am. and that i should just stop trying bc it’ll never matter anyway. it would make it hurt less. but there is no cosmic entity and there is no god and there is no here’s the life ive always dreamed of i will make it mine. it’s just being alone.

so im stuck. trying and failing and wondering what’s wrong with me. maybe im really not as great at being a person as i thought. maybe i am still just ugly and weird and it eventually shows. but i keep trying because thats all i know how to do. until the cosmic entity or god or whoever shows up and tells me to stop.

i really just want to run away a lot of the time. if i moved to some new city far away then i still wouldn’t have friends but i would have an excuse! but i can’t bc i don’t know how and im scared. im really scared that nothing will ever change and ill die alone. probably by my own hand if it gets much worse. but im scared of that too.

[abnomi]

⚠️ HUGE SPOILERS FOR BEACON PINES

hi im shy but i want to share some writing i did using the dialogue in beacon pines as a base... just expanding on conversations that happened in-game so that i can start writing my own stuff later :-] i wrote everything aside from the dialogue between sharper and kerr! this is purely exploratory, i wanted to explore the dynamic between them further.

this is the walkie talkie conversation that Beck picks up on her radio in chapter 5... the exchange was so fascinating to me and revealed so much about Kerr and Sharper and their relationship. made me rip off all of my eyelashes kind of

Chapter 5 - Dangers Big and Small; Radio Interference

Too angry to sleep, Beck tried dialing in with her radio set to see if she could find something interesting after her disapproving mother left her room. She had scolded her for her freshly dyed blue hair only moments before, to Beck’s discontent. How else was she supposed to hide the new gray hair she had grown just earlier that same day? She thought it made her look like some kind of mature academic, or someone who'd been through a rough office job of thirty years in a twelve-year-old’s body.

After channeling through random channels for about five minutes, she picked up on a signal. Someone was talking. The voice through the radio was strangely familiar… a somewhat nasal voice that at least a dozen in town shared, all eerily similar.

“Mr. Kerr? Are you there?” A Clipboard was on the line, a concerned and somewhat urgent tone breaking through the static. What could he possibly be requesting for at this hour? The desperation in his voice subtly got more evident at his second attempt to call. “Mr. Kerr?”

“Yes? I'm busy. What is it?” An annoyed William Kerr finally picked up, carrying a dismissive effect in his speech. He hoped this would be brief; he didn't have time for nonsense, and his urging impatience shone through in the way he spoke.

“Apologies, I have the founder on the line.”

Immediately, Kerr's attention was piqued. “Patch him through immediately.” He felt much more alert than before, heart racing in his chest. Even a mere mention of him without a name being so much as uttered was enough to send him into a fit of anxiety.

“One moment…” the Clipboard meekly replied.

Trying to compose himself the best he could given the few spare seconds he had, the hyena affably greeted the founder who was now on the other line, gleaming a honeyed presence. The man was able to switch between masks so effortlessly; it was like second nature to him. His adaptability was one of the few traits that had consistently served him well, especially in urgent cases like these.

“Hello, sir!” Kerr chirped, “It's so nice to hear from you!”

There was a pause. Kerr's mind raced in the space between; did he say something wrong? Did his words not come through?

“Skip the pleasantries.” Sharper Valentine was very straight-to-the-point; a man who always took himself very seriously, abiding by the high standards he put himself upon. He held his ego up twice as tall, his dense assertive confidence obscured all else and mismatched his temporary small stature. The irony of his voice being that of a child’s was always uncanny in the way it never aligned with how he carried himself. It was just as raspy as it was before, due to all of the smoking he did on a regular basis, throat scratchy and gruff. “What's your report on our new Lead Researcher of Deep Engineering?”

Beck’s focus on the conversation grew more and more as she processed what was going on, now even more so that they were talking about her mom. What were they doing with her?

Kerr responded a bit flatly to match the atmosphere Sharper had created. “Nelly Moedwil seems to be integrating nicely.”

Her name. Beck hearing her mom's name felt like getting hit by a truck. Now there was no denying it; something was wrong. She might be in trouble. These people can't be trusted.

“At this very moment, she's working to help us meet our deadline,” Kerr continued. “She offered to work overtime before I even had a chance to suggest it.”

“Excellent,” Sharper emphasized his next sentence, “and you have faith that she's capable of finishing the work left by her predecessor? Her work must be complete before the festival.”

“I will make sure she stays day and night until it's accomplished.”

Beck had to refrain herself from saying anything; she was in a state of shock. Even if she tried to speak, she was already stunned into silence, her throat tight.

“Good. You know how I feel about loose ends.” These words implied some ominous undertones. What could he possibly mean by that? Beck had to ruminate on this later, listening comes first.

Grimly, Kerr replied. “Yes, sir.” He'd dealt with loose ends before. At least he knew what to expect this time.

“Once she has finished the work, we need to make a determination regarding her… long-term prospects in the company.” Everything this guy says gets more and more suspicious. Every time Beck thought that it couldn't get worse, it did.

“Immediately, sir?” Mr. Kerr sounded concerned, feeling unsure and hesitant. He didn't want to argue, but something was telling him the chances this would work out well were low. “I usually have more time to fully bring people into the fold.”

“We are in the endgame, Bill.” The only one who ever referred to Kerr by that name was Sharper. The only man who knew his true identity used a nickname for a fake name. A fake of a fake. “After your failures with Dr. Prescott, I can't afford to take any risks.”

The emphasis put on the word “failures” felt like a punch in the gut to Kerr. Fully obedient and submissive to Sharper, he was determined to never let anything like that happen ever again. It was a fault of his to allow it to happen in the first place, a permanent stain on his image; a stain on his image to the man who had promised him everything he wanted, no, needed, of all people. “Of course, sir. No loose ends, sir. Once she finishes the work, she will either leave the office completely committed to Perennial harvest…”

Beck held her breath.

“...Or she won't leave at all.”

She felt lightheaded. Blood drained from her face, causing a chill.

“Perfect.” There was a distinct satisfaction in Sharper's voice. Every conversation was like a competition to him, and he had won this one; just as he always did.

Before Sharper could hang up, Kerr timidly offered a proposition that he had been waiting to give. “Sir, if I might suggest,” He swallowed and took a quiet deep breath, trembling slightly. “Maybe we should delay. Just for a bit.”

“Oh?” Sharper did not sound enthused.

Kerr felt a sudden surge of dread and regret overwhelming him, but his mouth kept running. It was too late to back down now.

“It's just… we seem to be rushing to hit this festival deadline, and rushing into some things has caused some…” He was cautious with his next choice of words, making sure he wouldn't make any remarks that could be interpreted as an insult. “... issues in the past.”

Whenever Kerr spoke to Sharper, he felt as if he was tip-toeing around landmines. Anything could set him off; the threat of consequences always loomed over the subservient fraud.

“I see…”

Kerr winced, knowing it was too late to take back his request. In a pleading voice, he added, “Please understand that I just want what's best for you. I'm eternally grateful for all that you've done for me.”

“Bill, I'll make this very clear for you.” His words felt like weights being dropped. Disapproval was drenched in his voice. “I brought you in to make things run smoothly, not to have opinions.”

“Of course, sir.”

His reply to his boss must have sounded more defeated than he intended it to, because he responded with an unusually encouraging reassurance. “Chin up, Bill. You are only a few days away from having everything you've ever dreamed of.”

Drained from the emotional rollercoaster of speaking with Sharper, Kerr finished off with a “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

[brandnewhuman]

Hey pookie it’s ya boy @what-are-you-willing-to-do I wanted to do a mash up 😍 

I’m 5’11 275 pounds so I’m a big bitch 😍. I’ve got really curly hair that I wanna dye half blonde. (Fun fact I want a mustache 😭) and I’m an INTP with a shit ton of anger issues. I have depression, severe adhd, social anxiety, ied and I’m getting screened for autism. I’m usually really sweet with people I don’t know like sickly sweet but around people I’m close with I’m really funny and raunchy. I usually try to be really serious but end up goofing off because that’s who I am. BIG METAL HEAD. I’ll send you my fucking playlist bro like fr- I’d like to dress up 80s trade goth but usually just go simple with a metal t shirt and jeans. And uh yeah that’s the basics knock yourself out 😍

(If your still doing them of course-)

I paired you up with...

♡ Michael Myers ♡

(Rz version)

ONE OF MY FELLOW GREMLIN COMRADE HAS REQUESTED A MATCHUP? FROM MOI? LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO

This unit of a man is a big stronk boy at the whopping height of 6'8. Personally, my size kink wouldn't allow me a single day of peace with someone like him

I thought about giving you Bo but it didn't end up convincing me as much as our myers babygirl here. I did a quick search and this version of Michael is a isfp which are likely to get along with your mbti type

About the anger issues this can seem like out of character but this Michael is the calmest out of all three but he does have his fair share of anger. I feel like he would understand more deeply how does it feels and in some way knows how to and to not react when you're angry, and even how to help you to calm down. He's as always a man of few (he doesn't talks) words but he communicates so much through small actions. Like I genuinely think his love language is being there when you feel the most sad or bad, doing what he wish someone would've done to him when he was feeling like shit.

You being sweet with people you don't know it's probably what saved you from being killed. This man has never known an ounce of actual kindness besides from his mom so to find someone who treats him like he's an actual human being with emotions is a pretty big deal. He knew he was gonna stick around the moment he first laid his eyes on you. Appreciates the funny side too, you kind of make him feel more alive and energetic. He likes the fact you trust him and like him enough to be this relaxed around him and even if you can't see it bc the mask he smiles quite a lot when he's around you

SEND ME YOUR PLAYLIST I WANNA SEEEE. Have you seen this man? You can not tell me he's not a metal head too, maybe he tends to like more classic rock but he enjoys how hard and aggressive metal music is. He will definitely pester you into listen to music with him and occasionally will come back home after killing with posters of your favourites for you. He finds music as a way to bond with you and tries to make you listen to songs that have some sort of meaning for him so you can get to know him without the need to get all personal

Help this man to dress better cause all that height and that pretty face deserve pretty outfits. Would love things like band tees or band sweaters ecc he really just allows you to do with him what you will as long as you don't try any funny business by pulling off his mask.

BRO I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. IM SORRY ITS TOO SHORT BUT I'VE TRIED MY BEST

Song recommendation time!!

[devilherself666]

Overhaul daughter x bakudeku part 4

Warnings: abuse, trauma, slow bonding, OC!

~seven years later~

"It is time Overhaul." The doctor spoke. As Overhaul nodded and walked down to the basement with the doctor. They saw her. Her new hair. It was long and black no longer purple, her body was fully grown as she was now a teenager, Overhaul sighed as he looked at her. Her tail and ears had shown up years ago, but the horns just showed up along with her wings about a month ago. Her body was cover in scales of tattoos. How you knew she had the snake side. Only part of her skin that wasn't covered in tattoos of scales was her face.

She was beautiful, she looked like he planned. He walked to the tube and drained the water and pulled her out with the Crain he put her in the tub with. "Do it." Overhaul spoke. The doctor nodded as he walked over and grabbed his shockers and rubbed them together and shocked her. "Ah." Kai screamed as she breathe in heavily. "My beautiful daughter finally awaken." Overhaul smiled as he kissed her head. Kai looked at her father and hugged him. "I had missed you." She whispered and he chuckled. "I had missed you do darling, would you like to see yourself?" He asked her and she nodded as he held out his hand and she took it.

They walked upstairs to the bathroom as she looked in the mirror as saw the new her. "Wow." She looked at herself shocked. Her head then started feeling dizzy. "Dad, I don't feel to good." She held her head. "Kai get mad." He spoke. "What?" She asked and Overhaul smacked her. "HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" She yelled but sounded more like a roar and covered her mouth but the dizzy feeling was gone. "You have to keep your anger going, I will understand. But in order to stay alive you must be rude and angry." He crossed his arms and Kai looked at him. "Whatever fine." She huffed trying to keep her anger up, letting her fear turn into anger. "Good." He nodded. "Let's test out your quirks." He spoke and she nodded.

The walked outside into the gym on the other side of their home. "Try your panther, your claws will come out of your actually nails." He spoke and Kai focused and her nails got longer and shaper. "Now try to come at me full speed." He spoke and Kai ran at him so fast he didn't even see her coming as she clawed his chest lightly. "You have gotten old. Or maybe I'm just better." She huffed. Overhaul stared at her in disbelief and smirked. "No you are perfect..wait talk again." He asked and Kai looked at him. "What got a problem?" She talked but this time they heard the hiss in her voice. She looked at her dad letting her fear turn into anger once more. "Kai. You have a snake tongue." He spoke and Kai felt her tongue the slit in the top told her he wasn't lying. "WHAT!?" She roared shaking the gym. Her eyes was now green was just the slit for a pupils. They was glowing. "Kai calm down." He huffed as Kai skin started to boil as she stared at him. "YOU MADE ME INTO A FREAK!?" She roared in anger. "I made you into a master piece!?" He yelled back as he walked up to her and smack her. "Do not think the time-out room isn't a thing!?" He huffed at her and she clawed at him, ripping his mask off. "IM NOT A KID ANYMORE STOP ACTING LIKE IT!?" She roared as she stormed off. "Where are you going?" He asked. "Away from you." She glared at him as she walked out of the gym. "Kai you never been out of these walls!" He huffed. "My point! I'm leaving! I'm going to explore Japan! LET ME LIVE!?" She roared as she walked away out of his eye shot.

She walked around Japan seeing all the light and people as she never saw before. She was enjoying her freedom as she just turned her anxiety into anger. She looked behind her and of course someone was following her. Her father really didn't trust her? She hated that and it pissed her off more as she smirked. "Let's get rid of them." She went the nearest alley way and focused on snake, as soon she was the snake and slipped threw the sewer. She slithered through the water as she tired to find away out, before changing back and getting her clothes more wet as she forgot to change the clothes that are now four times to small for her body now.

Looks like she is just wearing a bra, and really small shorts that could pass as underwear. The more she thought about it the worse it was. She sighed. She had to go back at some point. Walking around Japan in small clothes wasn't the best idea.

She found another way out and slithered up the bars and crawled out of one as the holes as she just thought it was safer to stay hidden in the snake form away from people seeing her body not far from being nude.

She made it back to the house and she formed back into her human self and went to her room same, black theme as none of her clothes fit her. "Ugh!? DAD!?" She sighed as she called her dad to her room. "What? Finally came back?" He asked. "Well yeah! I had too look at me!" She pointed at her clothes and his face went black. "I let you leave with that on?" He asked and she nodded. "None of my clothes fit me!" She huffed in anger and he nodded. "I'll give you a hoddie and some of sweats from the my clothes, we will go shopping." He sighed and Kai huffed and crossed her arms. "Thanks or whatever." Overhaul rolled his eyes. "This goal is going to be a pain in my ass." He shook his head.

<<< >>>

[rize-is-writing]

Hey, could I get a genshin match up romantic and platonic? Im 4'11 and an intp taurus. Im into metaphysical things, writing, psychology, theator, and that's pretty much it. I'm kinda anti social, but I could talk to about anybody and hold a good conversation. I'm very bubbly and honest. I have a very strict boundary of lying and will not hesitate to cut someone off because of it. And i don't do second chances. I'm kinda rude tbh, and a lot of people have told me I'm intimidating. I'm honestly pretty insecure about my personality as I tend to take on others and mask. I've never really been able to be myself around anybody. I've grown up moving from place to place and always being the new person at school, so being lonely isn't a new feeling. I'm emotionally distant but hella emotional. I have adhd, ptsd,and moderate to severe anxiety and depression. Other than that I've always been a good listener and love helping other people.

I found your match! Come to meet them, c'mon c'mon!

Gorou is a kind and understanding person. He wouldn't feel bothered by your "masks", he wouldn't exactly be happy either though. But what makes Gorou perfect for this situation is his empathy: he understands that there's a problem and wouldn't point fingers around, but like in a battle he would try to find a way to help you more or less find yourself, and be encouraging about it too. He is very supportive as a person. He is one all about giving support and advice, and most importantly listen. Just like you, he loves to help and support people. Reason why I think it might work, since in this case communication is an important because the both you can support and help each other.

You got his back and he has yours, the most noble thing to have in a battlefield (in his own dictionary of strategy and battle doggo mode)

He isn't one to be intimated either, he knows how to approach people, and is quite the genuine guy on this point of view. He is honest with his emotions too, a bit too blunt and impulsive even but that can be a charm in this case, since I think for someone like Gorou might be difficult to lie.

Hey! There's someone who wishes to know you! Let me introduce the two of you.

Is this guy even able to lie? Let's be real here, a bull-head such as him believes or likes to believe every words he says, but I don’t think it counts as lying. He is honest, if not a bit silly.

Itto too has been isolated since childhood, he literally runs a group that are considered "outcasts" in a way or another, and it works in its own dysfunctional way. He is not "intimidated" by you pfff (yes he is)

Itto isn't one to care about all the philosophies of being or not yourself, just... Be what you are! As long you feel well and protected in that situation, why complain? As long your friendship is true, why should he care how you act in front of others? He won't lie to you, as long you don't lie to him as well. So don't worry about it too much with him, just have fun! And hope not to have a migraine at the end of it.